This Bites!
by Xomniac
Summary: Sea Kings, sea-sickness, sunburns, a 95% genocidal Navy and more than a million and one other assorted ways to die. It's official: Being inserted into an anime sucks ass... Buuut I guess it could be worse. I mean, look on the bright side: At least I'm sailing with the future king of the pirates. (Self-Insert)
1. Chapter 1 - New Romance Dawn Pt 1

**Chapter 1**

 **UPDATE- Xomniac AN: For the sake of all readers who don't seem to quite get it, the part below is meant to be an IM chat between me and my sole beta at the time, CV12Hornet.** _ **THIS**_ **is how Cross concluded that he was in One Piece, he did** _ **not**_ **pull it out of his hat!**

 **Patient AN: Yeah, I didn't come aboard until after Chapter 17.**

 _-Xomniac- Alright, let's see... can you think of any better words than 'smirk'?_

 _-Xomniac- It's the general sentiment I want, but I've used it way too much..._

 _-CV12Hornet- 'Smug grin'? 'Vulpine grin'? 'Shit-eating grin'?_

 _-Xomniac- No, no... gugh!_

 _-Xomniac- *Headdesk* Screw it, we've been at this too long. Want to brainstorm something else?_

 _-CV12Hornet- Well… I could use someone to bounce ideas off of for this Dragon Ball Z fic I'm thinking of…_

 _-Xomniac- Pass, DBZ's not my thing :S_

 _-CV12Hornet- Ow, my childhood :P_

 _-Xomniac- Heh... hey, you read 'Walk on the Moon'?_

 _-CV12Hornet- Can't say that I have._

 _-CV12Hornet- In fact, it's the first time I've heard about it._

 _-Xomniac- It's a Naruto SI. Really brilliant, truly a sight to behold._

 _-CV12Hornet- Oh boy… I've not had good experiences with SI in general. And Naruto? Double whammy there._

 _-CV12Hornet- I mean, there's only one SI I can think of that I can honestly say I liked._

 _-CV12Hornet- And I suspect half the reason is nostalgia._

 _-Xomniac- Heh, I suppose that's fair enough. They are a little overdone... but still, you gotta understand why they do it, right?_

 _-Xomniac- I mean, can you imagine? Going to those worlds, standing side by side with those people... scary as hell, to be sure... but what the hell are we accomplishing in front of our computer screens?_

 _-CV12Hornet- Well, we're entertaining people. That's something, right?_

 _-CV12Hornet- Besides, inserting into a fictional universe sounds like a great way to die a horrible death._

 _-Xomniac- Yeees, 'entertaining'... with fics that barely get a second glance... and yeah, it'd be bad, if you were shit outta luck_

 _-Xomniac- I mean, so long as you wound up in the right verse, your odds can be pretty good._

 _-Xomniac- Example: One Piece. Get on the Straw Hats and you'd be set for life! In for the wildest ride of your life, but still, pretty damn set._

 _-CV12Hornet- Really? Of all the verses, you picked One Piece?_

 _-CV12Hornet- I think I'll stick to the verses where the baseline for durability *isn't* superhuman._

 _-Xomniac- *shrug* Your opinion. Me, though... man, to get to sail on the Blue seas... I'd give anything for that. Least I'd get outta writing papers! XD_

 _* Really Outstanding Biotch has joined the conversation!*_

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Your wish is my command!_

 _-CV12Hornet- I was gonna make a joke about nice men in white jackets, but I can't argue with that logic._

 _-Xomniac- Wait wh_

 _-Xomniac- Awww shit_

 _-CV12Hornet- Wait, who's this jackass?_

 _-Xomniac- Read the initials._

 _-CV12Hornet- Oh shit. Oh shit fuck fucking fuckdonkeys._

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Oh calm down. I need one of you to stay behind and keep writing, and he's the one who offered._

 _-CV12Hornet-..._

 _-CV12Hornet- Yay?_

 _-CV12Hornet- I'm... just gonna go talk to Admiral Tigerclaw for you, okay?_

 _-Xomniac- Don't._

 _-Xomniac- You._

 _-Xomniac- Fucking._

 _*CV12Hornet has left the conversation!*_

 _-Xomniac-..._

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Honor among thieves, huh?_

 _-Xomniac- *Headdesk* Tell me about it._

 _-Xomniac- So... no chance of getting out of this?_

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- None!_

 _-Xomniac- Time to prepare?_

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Absolutely zero!_

 _-Xomniac-... can I grab a change of clothes?_

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- What you wear is what you get!_

 _-Xomniac- Grrggrgrrrrggh..._

 _-Xomniac- You're a real bastard, you know that?_

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- But at least my tone is pleasant!_

 _-Xomniac- *Sigh...* Can I at least send an email to my parents? They're gonna flip..._

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Now this is where I'm a little bit more pleasant!_

 _-Xomniac- ?_

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Time dilation! So long as you manage to survive to the end, you'll come back here to this exact point in spacetime with the option of going back to visit whenever you want!_

 _-Xomniac- ...that's... oddly generous..._

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Weeeell, considering how your chances of survival are slim to none, not rea~lly! Honestly? I just want to make sure you don't angst over your 'precious lost family' like a little bitch! Do you have any idea how annoying that gets!?_

 _-Xomniac- *HEADDESK!*_

 _-Xomniac- … fuck it. Headfirst into hell._

 _-Xomniac- So, how are we doiFUCKSHIT!_

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Mind the drop!_

 _*Xomniac has left the conversation!*_

 _*CV12Hornet has joined the conversation!*_

 _-CV12Hornet- Hello? Xomniac? You still here, buddy?_

 _-CV12Hornet- Crap._

 _-CV12Hornet- Okay, step number one: don't panic!_

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Sorry, nobody here but us chickens!_

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Now... seeing how you're apparently missing a co-writer..._

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Care for some... divine intervention? 8D_

 _*CV12Hornet has left the conversation!*_

 _*CV12Hornet has blocked Really Outstanding Biotch!*_

 _-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- *pouts* Now that was just rude!_

 **-o-**

Warm… soft… scratchy… I sighed as I shifted around a little bit, trying to get comfortable. I just needed a _little_ more sleep, then I'd be ready to go for the day. Just… a little… more…

SPLASH!

COLD! WET! UP MY NOSE!

"GAH! SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!" I howled, springing upright and staggering away from the waves. I panted and doubled over as my head spun from getting up so fast, idly wiping sand from my—

Wait.

I froze as I started to process the facts.

Waves and sand. Neither of those were in my dorm room.

I slowly worked the crust out of my eyes and blinked as I tried to take the scenery in.

A nice, wide stretch of beach, bordering on an endless expanse of beautiful pure blue ocean.

The first thing that ran through my head was ' _This isn't my room.'_

The second was almost ' _How did I get here?',_ but that train was violently derailed by the rapid recollection of the latest memories I could recall.

The _third_ thing that ran through my mind was a mishmash that could be loosely labeled as ' _SHITFUCKFUCKDEADFUCKWHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO!?'_

I promptly slammed the brakes on that line of thought, slapping my hands to my forehead and inhaling deeply through my nose. "Don't panic don't panic don't panic, fear is the mindkiller, don't panic, _think!"_ I ground out, if only for the sake of hearing my own voice.

After a few seconds of standing there and borderline hyperventilating, I managed to calm myself down and actually think about _facts._

Fact one: ROBs are fucking fuckers who deserve to have railroad spikes shoved through every inch of their being.

Fact two: I was calming down a bit if I could manage to swear like a sailor.

Fact three: I was in One Piece. I had to be. Or at least, I had to believe that I was. If I was in some other, less relatively friendly world, or heavens forbid one I knew nothing about…

I shivered violently. No, no, don't think about that, keep going.

Fact three: Chances were high that I was in One Piece. This meant that my proposed course of action was still the best: find my way onto the Straw Hat Pirates. Sure, logically, I could live the life of a civilian, especially if I was somewhere in the East Blue... but that plan has thorns in and of itself. For one, my skillset is firmly zip-to-none on account of me becoming a literal college dropout, and for another the Blue Seas are teeming with blood-thirsty pirates and Marines with potential to be _worse_ than the pirates!

Was living the life of a Straw Hat terrifying? Yes. Was it dangerous, life-threatening even? Oh, hell, yeah! Did it guarantee that I'd have some of the potentially strongest people in the world watching my ass so long as I managed to become their friend? You better damn well believe it.

I nodded firmly, my decision reinforced: It looked like it would be a Straw Hat Pirate's life for me.

Moving on, I focused on fact four: I had abso-fucking-lutely no clue where the hell I was.

Well, at least that was one problem I could fix!

I spun on my heel… and stared at the tropical jungle laid out before me.

My guts ran ice cold. ' _OhGod nonono, not Little Garden, for fuck's sakes_ NOT LITTLE GODDAMN DEAD END GARDEN!'

However, a hasty glance at the horizon and a moment of listening was enough to soothe my panicked mind. No mountainous skeletons, no roars of prehistoric monstrosities, no pillars of smoke from periodically erupting active volcanoes. I was safe… for a certain value of the word.

I winced as I tugged at the collar of my jacket. I was also pretty damn hot, and not in the good way!

' _Wait…'_ I blinked as a thought struck me. ' _Jacket?'_

I made a hasty review of my apparel: my favorite large, black and pocket-lined shell jacket/hoodie, check. A t-shirt with urban camo on the chest, check. My black cargo slacks, check. Beaten leather loafers, check. Aaand finally the dark gray pair of industrial-grade heavy-duty bluetooth headphones I'd shelled out almost five hundred dollars for that were hanging around my neck. Check, for whatever that was worth.

I let out a weary sigh as I zipped my jacket open. As one could expect from a tropical climate such as this, it was rather humid. Thankfully, being a headstrong Floridian with an aversion to showing more skin than I needed to appeared to be paying off for once, as I was used to the heat.

I winced as my head throbbed painfully, promptly whipping my jacket off and tying its arms around my waist.

Alright, _relatively_ used to it. Sue me, it must have been a hundred degrees out here!

Anyways, without any other options available to me—especially after a final glance back at the ocean confirmed that there wasn't a ship in sight—I started to march forwards into the depths of the muggy green hell.

To be honest, I normally _liked_ taking nice and long walks. However, there were two primary factors missing that made this little venture hell: first, I didn't have any music to listen to, so I was bored straight the hell out of my mind. And second, there wasn't any beaten path to speak of, so I was forcing my way through a dense barrier of wild foliage that was doing everything naturally possible to get in my way.

After what felt like forever of displaying my vast vocabulary to mother nature in a… shall we say, _creative_ manner due to catching my jacket on branches, tripping over roots and ducking under vines and whatnot, I caught sight of and dashed into a clearing of grass. I almost immediately doubled over as I tried to catch my breath and started to think once anew.

First and foremost, as far as I could tell, the island I was on was most likely deserted, devoid of all forms of sapient life apart from me. Which was… unfortunate. I had absolutely zero idea where I was. I didn't know which Blue I was in, even which _hemisphere_ I was located on! As it stood, I had about a one in three chance of being somewhere I could run into the Straw Hats. East Blue or Paradise? Good! Any other Blue or, God forbid, the New World? Things would become a lot more… interesting was one word. Complicated was more appropriate, though.

Second—

My stomach let out a vicious rumble, prompting me to blush in embarrassment. Right, food. Food was definitely my second priority. Which was complicated on account of how I had no experience with nature, but I'd have to at least try. Hopefully I could get my hands on some kind of—

My train of thought ground to a sudden and vicious halt. "I've been marching through this jungle for ages…" I mused aloud. "Why the _hell_ haven't I heard so much as a single animal!?"

"SQUAWK!"

"YEARGH!" I yelped, leaping almost a foot off the ground in shock. The he—!? I snapped my head around and scanned the treeline in shock. Where the hell did those birds come from!?

"OOH OOH AAH AAH!"

I spun around as another cacophony of noise erupted behind me. Now monkeys!? How the hell did they stay hidden!?

"GRRRR!"

I went stock still as a pair of all-too-feral snarls simultaneously erupted from the foliage of my sides. They sounded like my cat… if she were on steroids.

"RRRUFF! RRRUFF!"

And _that_ sounded like my dog straight ahead of me, only a lot bigger and a lot less willing to play.

Forcing myself to keep my breathing slow and my panic out of my thought process, I started to inch myself backwards. Just a bit more, just a little bit closer to the foliage…

" _GROOOOAAAAR!"_

I am _not_ ashamed to say that I shrieked like a little bitch and fell flat on my face as I scrambled away from the jungle. I stand by the firm belief that it was a _very_ appropriate reaction to having a lion roar ten inches behind me.

I gasped and panted heavily as I lay on the grass, my mind reeling with fear. I'd never had a panic attack before, but something told me that I was _right_ on the edge of getting one.

However, before I could go _over_ that edge, a new noise managed to catch my attention.

Laughter. A _lot_ of laughter, from a variety of different people, men and women and young and old alike, like a badly edited together laugh track.

I realized two things from that laugher: First, the fact that a lot of the laughs were unique _really_ helped cement the idea that I was in One Piece. After all, where _else_ would someone have a laugh like "Chyokokoko"?

The second thing, I realized with a furious snarl, was that _someone_ was mocking me. Hastily scrambling to my feet, I charged towards the foliage in the direction the laugher was originating from.

However, just before I hit the plant life, the laughter changed direction, suddenly coming from _behind_ me. I glanced at the opposite side of the clearing for a second, but I ignored it and pressed ahead. Fooling me once was bad enough, and I wasn't willing to go two for two.

And with that, I delved into the jungle, shoving my way through the plants and scouring the jungle for whoever the hell was fucking with my head. After a few minutes, I managed to catch sight of another clearing. I charged out of the jungle…

And promptly slid to a halt, staring in disbelief. "What the hell…?"

The clearing I was in was only half as big as the last one I'd been in, but it had a table of rock in the center of it.

Stationed upon the rock… was a snail, or at least something that looked _very_ similar to a snail. Its shell was a little larger than a baseball, and its body was about the same size to match. Its skin was a darkish gray, and its shell was emblazoned with a black and white checkerboard pattern.

The snail also had eyes on the tips of its stalks and a mouth full of teeth in the middle of its body.

It was _also_ whipping its head back and forth and cackling uproariously, tears of laughter pouring from its eyes.

I blinked as I processed this turn of events. That… was a Transponder Snail. It was a bit weird to see a snail that big in real life, but the form was unmistakable. I withheld a sigh as I felt a weight lift off my heart. No doubt about it: I was _one hundred percent_ in One Piece!

Then I felt a dark rage flood me. Whoever was mocking me was on the other end of that snail!

"HEY!" I yelled angrily, putting all my frustration into my voice. "ARE YOU ALL THROUGH ENJOYING THE SHOW OR WHAT!?"

The snail jumped in shock, blinking at me in surprise… before leaping back and _screaming_ in terror. And not just any scream either, a high-pitched _woman's_ scream.

I jumped at the noise, my breath catching in my throat. "What the fuck!?" I blurted.

Then I froze as I noticed something. Its shell… it was unblemished! There wasn't a speaker in the side of its shell!

My mind flew as I to connect what I was seeing. This was a Transponder Snail, no doubt about it, but without an _actual_ transponder attached to it, then it was a _wild_ snail. And as far as I knew, it was impossible for people to communicate through wild transponder snails…

My mind froze as I ran the last sentence through my head. Impossible… like, say… a person of rubber?

I smiled uneasily as I made the connection. "You've got to be kidding me…" I muttered in disbelief.

It was at that point that I started as I realized that the sound I'd been listening to had changed. Instead of screaming, the snail had curled in on itself and was crying its head off, sobs coming out of it in a loop.

I flinched as I took in the reaction. _Now_ I remembered a rather pertinent fact: snails this small were known as _Baby_ Transponder Snails. Sure, I liked kids as much as I liked writing essays, but this…

A stab of guilt ran through me as a particularly miserable sob rang out from the snail. I hastily fell to my knees and inched my way towards the snail, my hands raised placatingly. "Hey hey hey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I cooed softly. "I didn't mean to yell, I was just frustrated, please don't cry!"

The snail's cries subsided as it slowly looked up at me, tears still streaming down from its eyes. "S-sowwy?" it croaked in a voice that wouldn't be out of place coming from a toddler.

I hesitated for a moment before smiling shakily and slowly nodding. "Yeah, s-sowwy. By the way…" I slowly made my expression eager as I leaned forwards, looking at the snail with interest. "That's a really neat trick you've got there. Did you get them after eating a fruit with swirls that tasted yucky?"

The snail blinked at me before nodding its head slowly. "C-co _co_ nut," it said, the word pasted together with syllables from several other voices. It then scrunched its face up and stuck its tongue out in disgust. " **Blech!"** It spat in the voice of an old man.

I chuckled lightly at the face it made. "Heh, yeah. I hear that those kinds of fruits usually taste like ass." I slowly looked him over in curiosity. "So… unless I miss my guess, you can make all kinds of sounds and noises, right?"

Almost instantly, the snail smiled and nodded. It opened its mouth…

"GAH!"

And I promptly jumped in shock as the forest around me _erupted_ with noise. Screeches, roars, snarls, buzzing, everything one would expect from a jungle. Like someone had just up and flipped a switch!

However, as swiftly as the noise started, it came to an abrupt end and was replaced with the laugh track from before as the snail returned to laughing itself senseless.

I panted as I processed the change in demeanor before slowly starting to snicker. "That… that _was_ pretty funny…" I admitted with a shaky smile before closing my eyes in thought. "Alright… seeing how Apoo can apparently use his powers to make music, I'm guessing he's got something akin to the Music-Music Fruit. So…" I looked at the snail contemplatively. "I guess that means you ate the… what, Noise-Noise Fruit?"

The snail stopped laughing and considered my words for a second before smiling and bobbing its head from side to side. "Noise-Noise Fruit, Noise-Noise Fruit!" it crowed in _my_ voice.

My eye twitched slightly. "Alright, that's a little creepy…" I admitted before hastily plastering a smile on my face. "But cool!" I slowly extended my hand towards the snail. "It's really nice to meet you. My name is Cross. Jeremiah Cross."

The snail blinked and sniffed at my hand contemplatively before smiling. I smiled in turn as well.

It then opened its mouth…

CHOMP!

" _YEARGH!"_

And brought its teeth down on my index finger, causing me to howl in pain as I shot to my feet and whipped my hand back and forth. "GETOFFGETOFFGETOFF!" I shouted, trying to get the gastropod to release my digit.

Finally, the toothy snail had the decency to let go of my finger, flying off me and bouncing off the stone it'd been resting on before righting itself. Its eyes spun madly for a second… until it refocused itself and grinned madly, cackling once anew.

I huffed and shook my finger frantically as I tried to work out the pain. God _damn,_ that had hurt like a bitch! I cast a vehement glare at the snickering snail as I started to wipe the mucus and saliva off on my pants. "I take back all the nice things I said about you! You're nothing more than a little—!"

I froze as my hand bumped into my pocket. Specifically, against something _inside_ my pocket.

Slowly, ponderously, I dug my hand into my pocket and withdrew what was within in disbelief.

"I can't freaking believe it…" I breathed.

In the palm of my hand was the last thing I'd ever expected to see: My iPhone 6S, completely intact and, with any luck, fully functional.

Suddenly, the device pinged and its screen lit up, displaying a text message.

 **-B.R.O.B.- Ain't I generous? Check out the upgrades!**

It didn't take long to understand what my 'beneficiary' was talking about: a quick once-over of the screen showed that there were infinity signs next to both the battery and wifi symbols, guaranteeing that my phone would be working for a nice long while.

"Huh…" A grin slowly played across my face. "Well… thanks, I guess!" I slowly tilted my grin to make it a bit more hopeful. "I don't suppose you could get me something to eat, too, while you're at it?"

Another text popped up.

 **-B.R.O.B.- Greedy greedy! Buuut sure, why not? Wouldn't do for you to starve, would it?**

Without warning, something fell and landed on my head. I hastily snapped my hand out and caught whatever it was before it could fall to the ground. I smiled immediately once I caught sight of the golden arches emblazoned on the paper.

Most people would bitch and moan about McDonalds being unhealthy shit. Then again, those same people hadn't spent who-knows-how-long tramping through a jungle.

"Thanks a lot!" I crowed, opening the bag and digging into the food within, enjoying it… right up until I actually _noticed_ one of the tastes in my mouth and froze in horror.

I swallowed heavily, slowly turning a horrified look towards my phone. "Did… I just eat a biscuit?"

 **-B.R.O.B.- I guess this'll teach you to watch what you put in your mouth, huh?**

The blood promptly drained from my face. "Oh you son of a—!"

As if on cue, my stomach let out a far too familiar gurgle of distress.

A roll of toilet paper promptly bounced off my skull.

 **-B.R.O.B.- Run run run, as fast as you can! Better hurry, lest you soil your pants, little man!**

"FUCK!" I howled, scooping up the toilet paper and darting off in search of a suitable hole.

After about a half hour of what felt like liquid napalm tearing through my intestinal tract, I finally managed to stumble my way back into the clearing. "I need to stop laughing at those Haribo Gummy Bear reviews. I know their pain _far_ too well…" I glanced down at my palm with a scowl. "And as for you—!"

I froze and stared at my _empty_ hand in shock. Where the hell had I—!? I promptly slapped a hand to my forehead. Right, dropped it when I grabbed the toilet paper. I started scanning the ground. It should still be somewhere on the…

I caught sight of the bottom of my iPhone… just as it disappeared into the maw of the Transponder Snail, followed by it swallowing heavily and grinning at me with a shit-eating smile.

…grass.

My eye twitched furiously. "Ah… I… you…" I mumbled out. My mouth promptly twisted into a dark scowl as I started to march towards it, my fingers twitching murderously. "You… little… _shit…"_

The snail's smile dropped in favor of a fearful expression as it started to inch away from me, glancing left and right in search of an escape route.

Then it suddenly froze, blinking as its gaze became slightly unfocused, staring at something I couldn't see.

I hesitated slightly as I stared at it. "Uh… hey, are you alright? I'm pissed, I don't _really_ want to hurt you, I'm just a little—!"

" **!"** the snail suddenly blared, it's head snapping up in wide-eyed shock.

"GAH!" I leapt back from the snail in shock at the sound it had made. It was loud and frantic and—!

I blinked as I caught up with my train of thought. Wasn't that sound—?

"Was… was that the Metal Gear Solid alert sound?" I asked in disbelief.

The snail blinked at me in confusion before smiling exuberantly, opening its mouth…

" _IT'S THE EYE OF THE TIGER, IT'S THE_ _THRILL OF THE FIGHT, RISIN' UP TO THE CHALLENGE, OF OUR RIVAL!"_

And belting out lyrics from a _very_ familiar song.

I gaped at the snail in disbelief. "You've… got to be _kidding_ me…" Suddenly, as I shifted my shoulders, I became intensely aware of the weight around my necks. Thinking fast, I snapped my headphones up and over my ears and clicked them on, _praying_ that my 'patron'— a word I was _very_ hesitant to use—had upgraded these as well.

Almost instantly, I was forced to wince as my ears came under an auditory assault.

"WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY? _I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT!_ **WE ARE, WE ARE, WE ARE MADE FROM BROKEN PARTS!** CEEEELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!"

"Grk!" I hastily whipped the headphones back down around my neck in an effort to save my eardrums. I gave the snail a bemused look as it continued to smile and bob its head to some unheard beat. "Oh, yeah, you _definitely_ have access to my world's Internet..."

The snail finally looked up and smiled at me with a snarky smirk. "Thank _you!_ " he crowed.

I blinked at in disbelief for a second before freezing as a thought struck me. I looked over the snail contemplatively. This snail, his power wasn't much, but… well, on the surface, rubber and silence and springs didn't seem like a lot either, right? And quite honestly, I _liked_ being able to swim, so… well, nothing for it, right?

"Hey… you can understand me, right?" I started slowly.

The snail looked up at me before nodding slowly.

"Right… well…" I looked away uncomfortably. Man, why did this have to be so hard. "Look, let me ask you something… do you _like_ being here on this island? I mean…" I gestured at the silent forest around us. "The reason there aren't any animals nearby… I'm guessing it's because you scare them away with that noise you make, right?"

The snail started and stared at me in shock before nodding again, only this time its expression was saddened.

"If you could… what would you say about leaving this island? With me, I mean."

The snail snapped its head up in shock.

"See..." I scratched the back of my head with an uneasy smile. "I've… got a bit of a plan. You know what pirates are, right?"

The snail nodded with a grimace.

"Well, I know about a pirate crew that's _not_ like other pirates. They're strong and amazing and… well, I want to join them! I want to join their crew and follow them out to sea and… well, hopefully have a lot of fun doing it. But…" I hung my head with a sigh. "The fact is, a pirate's life is a dangerous one, and I'm just a plain old normal human being. A nobody, really. I don't have the edge needed to survive on the high seas."

I then slowly raised my eyes and looked at the snail hopefully. "So… I was wondering… if you'd be willing to come with me and _be_ that edge?"

The gastropod tilted its head in confusion. " _Say whaaa?"_ it imitated.

I shrugged helplessly. "Well, the fact is, all Devil Fruits have the potential to be incredibly powerful, none are inherently weak. All that's needed to make them work is their user's ingenuity. But, well…" I gestured at the snail with a grimace. "As you already know, you're a bit… physically challenged."

" **DON'T CHU DIS ME, BOY!"** the snail barked irately.

"Hey hey, that's neither your fault, nor is it anything to be ashamed of, it's just a fact!" I waved my hands defensively. "But, well… look, I'm trying to make you a proposition, alright? Come with me: You be the power, the brawn, and I'll be your arms and legs, the person to tell you how to _direct_ your powers, how to use them to their fullest! The brains!" I spread my arms wide. "Together, we'd be able to join those pirates and sail the Blue Seas! We'd see sights we never imagined, do things that have never been done! Basically… we'd have an adventure. And let's be honest…"

I cast a baleful look at the jungle. "It's not like you or I would ever have one here, now, would we?" I looked back down at the snail. "So… what do you say, kid? Are you in or are you out?"

The snail bit its lip as it glanced back and forth contemplatively, gears grinding in its head. Finally, it smiled from eyestalk to eyestalk and extended an eye. "Put 'er there, partner!" it drawled.

I smiled eagerly. "Well, alright then!" I extended my hand—

CHOMP!

" _GRK!"_

And winced in pain when the snail chomped down onto my fingers, grinding its teeth into my digits.

I half-grimaced, half-smirked at the snail as I brought it up to my eye-level. "I think I just got a good name for you…" I ground out. "How do you feel about being called Soundbite?"

The snail—Soundbite—glanced up at me before smirking and redoubling the strength of his bite.

"YEOWCH!" I cried out, flinging my hand up.

Thankfully, Soundbite let go. Unfortunately, _he let go!_

"Oh crap crap crap!" I scanned the air. "Hey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, are you alri—!?"

CHOMP!

I went stiff as a sharp pressure clamped down on a very… _delicate_ part of my body.

At that instant, I became acutely aware of just how _tired_ I was. Seeing no point in staying upright, I slumped forwards and fell face first into the grass.

"It's official…" I groaned miserably. "This bites…"

Soundbite snickered malevolently from where he was gnawing on my ass in agreement.


	2. Chapter 2 - New Romance Dawn Pt 2

**Chapter 2**

" _Pst! Wakey wakey!"_

"Mmmph... no..."

" **Time to wake up!"**

"Mmmeergh... mmm... pancakes..."

" _ **HEY, LISTEN!"**_

"GAH!" I jolted upright with a yelp, wincing as I whipped my headphones from my ears. "Son of a- _Soundbite!"_ I snarled at the transponder snail that was cackling on my shoulder. A quick glance at the sky reaffirmed my anger. "It's not even _noon_ yet you little shit! What'd you wake me up for?"

The snail's response was to continue laughing for almost a minute as it did its level best to memorize my terrified expression.

I heaved a weary sigh as I waited the snail out.

This had been my life for the previous two weeks. I'd done my best to explore the island in hopes of finding _some_ sign of civilization, but I'd come up with absolutely jack squat. There _had_ been the occasional run-in with the odd predatory sample of fauna here and there, but Soundbite had more than shown his worth by running them off with the barrage of sound every living thing on the island had come to fear.

I'd also taken the time to get to know Soundbite, in order to discover both who he was and what his powers were like. There wasn't much to say about the snail, to be honest: he was a notorious prankster through and through, who'd give or do _anything_ to get a good laugh. And he'd been laughing a lot since I'd provided him with a prime target of opportunity: His faithful steed, i.e. me. He also _loved_ using his mouth. Whenever he wasn't laughing, he was chomping down, either on some leaves or, worse, _me._

As for Soundbite's Noise-Noise powers, they were... well, in a word, impressive. I suppose one way to describe the snail would be as the world's most talented ventriloquist. So long as Soundbite heard a noise, _any_ noise, he could replicate it _perfectly,_ with his own choice in volume and explicit control over the direction it came from. Backwards, forwards, above, below, to the sides, so long as it was in Soundbite's range he could make anything sound like it was anywhere.

And as for his range, well... apparently, the Noise-Noise Fruit was a two-way street: it didn't just enhance the noise coming out of him, it enhanced what went in as well. It was hard to get an _exact_ measurement, but from the tests we'd run on the island's beach, I'd approximate that as it stood, Soundbite could hear everything within a quarter mile of him. And so long as Soundbite could hear someone or something, he could produce noise around that someone or thing as well.

While this range might _appear_ to be ridiculous, it made sense: from what I could remember from the SBS question corners, transponder snails communicated with one another via telepathic communication in the form of radio-waves. Unless I missed my guess, Soundbite's natural abilities as a transponder snail must have enhanced the Noise-Noise Fruit's abilities, or vice-versa. Probably something like how Eneru's powers made his 'mantra' ungodly powerful. Simply put, it was a stroke of luck that Soundbite had eaten the fruit, and not a human with less powerful sensory abilities.

And of course, that wasn't even mentioning the nigh endless array of audio that Soundbite had access to thanks to eating my iPhone and getting access to the internet... however the hell _that_ worked. Then again: One Piece, the world where a cook could set his leg on fire for extra POW via spinning a lot and the 'power of love'.

In the end though, while it didn't seem like the most offensively-useful ability to have, I could definitely see the potential.

' _Now if only its_ owner _were actually a bit more mature...'_ I groused silently as I watched Soundbite calm down from cackling to just flat out snickering. "Finished?" I demanded.

Soundbite shot me the shit-eating grin I'd grown all-too-familiar with. _"Never!"_ he crowed.

I sighed and knocked my head back against the trunk of the tree I'd been sleeping in. "You'd better have a good reason for waking me, or I swear-!"

" _C'mooooon, guys! Hurry up already!"_

I froze, my entire body locking up. That voice... that was... could that actually be-!? I hastily slid my headphones on in order to reaffirm what I waas hearing.

" _Wait for us, Luffy! Geeze... impatient moron..."_

I slowly turned my head to stare at Soundbite in sheer disbelief. I managed to catch the tail end of an exasperated smile he was wearing before he switched to a wide smirk.

" _Well what did you expect? He_ is _Luffy after all."_

I sat up eagerly as Soundbite scowled, clenching his teeth together as though he were biting into something.

" _The mosshead's got a point. He wouldn't be our captain if he didn't charge headfirst into the unknown, shouting his head off."_

My exuberant smile was an exact opposite to the panicked expression Soundbite suddenly bore.

" _Uh... guys? I-I-I don't know about you, but I think my 'I-don't-want-to-go-into-that-wild-jungle' disease_ might _be acting up!"_

I slid my headphones back around my neck and hastily scrambled to my feet, crouching on my branch with an eager smile. I could barely believe it! They were here, they were _here!_ "Sounds like we've got company, Soundbite!" I grinned wholeheartedly. "You feel ready to entertain some guests?"

Soundbite mirrored my expression perfectly as he displayed his full set of teeth. **"LLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUMBLEEEEE!"** He belted out, thumping out a rapid, energetic tune to go with it.

I slowly straightened up, preparing myself for a venture through the treetops...

"Hey, that's a pretty neat trick!"

Until a grinning, Straw Hat-clad head popped out from the leaves above me, causing me and Soundbite to shriek in terror as I jolted back in shock.

I had all of one second to realize what a bad idea that was before I started pinwheeling my arms, fighting to maintain my precarious balance on the branch under Luffy's bemused stare.

I put up a valiant effort, but eventually I felt my center of gravity slip just a _little_ too low.

"Ah shitbiscuits..." I groaned.

"TIMBER!" Soundbite cried, snapping back into his shell as I plummeted out of the tree...

CRASH! "OUCH!"

And slammed into the ground hard enough to knock the breath out of my lungs.

I was vaguely aware of someone leaping down next to me and leaning over me. "H-, -ou -ight?"

"Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do..." I slurred out.

"YAN **kee** _doo_ dle _**had**_ **a** _FARM..."_ Soundbite concurred in a medley of dizzy voices.

"Shishishishi!" The blur above me solidified into a familiar face as Luffy snickered. "You two are funny!"

"Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week." I groaned as I slowly shifted myself into a sitting position, wincing as my body ached from the impact.

" _You've been warned, people!"_ Soundbite crowed.

"HAHAHA!" Luffy outright guffawed, clutching his stomach helplessly. "I take it back, you two are _really_ funny!"

His laughter was infectious enough that it drew a pained smile from me. "Thanks again... ah, I should introduce myself, shouldn't I?" I extended a hand to him. "Cross. Jeremiah Cross. Island bum and ex-rookie-world-traveler." I nodded my head towards my shoulder. "And this is my pet-!"

CHOMP!

I winced as Soundbite tried to take a chunk out of my ear and hastily corrected myself. "I-I-I mean my _partner,_ Soundbite." I shot a glare at the smirking gastropod.

Luffy chuckled as he took my hand and helped haul me to my feet. "Nice to meet you, Cross! You too, Soundbite! I'm Monkey D. Luffy! Pleased to meetcha!"

I shook his hand. "Nice to meet you too, Luffy! What brings you to this particular abandoned corner of the... East Blue?" I estimated, based on the fact that the Straw Hats were only five members strong and didn't have Vivi on board.

The captain shrugged, his expression never changing. "Me and my crew were running a little low on meat, so we came here to resupply!"

I smiled eagerly. This was my chance! " _Your_ crew, huh?" I asked him.

"Shishishi! Yup, you bet!" Luffy nodded. "We're pirates, you see!"

"Yo _ho_ **ho and a bottle of rum?"** Soundbite tilted his head to the side.

"Yup!" The rubber-man nodded.

I hastily morphed my expression into an uncertain one. "Pirates, huh? Just to be clear, are we talking about the 'rape, loot, pillage'kind of pirates, or the 'adventures no matter what anyone tells us' kind?"

Luffy grimaced and stuck his tongue out. "The second one! The first kind are all stupid fakers!"

I doubled over and sighed in relief. "Phew... thank god. Sorry, no offense to you or your crew, it's just that you can never be too careful, you know?"

" _STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DAN-ger...?"_ Soundbite concurred with a grimace before suddenly cutting off mid-sentence and peering over Luffy's shoulder curiously.

"Heh, no problem! Luffy shrugged with a chuckle. "I've dealt with those kind of jerks before!"

I nodded and chuckled along with him. "Yeah, yeah..." As I chuckled, my mind flew along.

This was it. Now was the time. Luffy had already shown interest in me, Cross the intriguing island bum and my talking snail Soundbite. If I was going to ask him if I could join his crew, now was the time.

I took a deep breath to steady myself-

"Hey, mind if I ask you something?"

Before freezing in surprise. I stared at him for a second before shrugging. "Sure?"

Soundbite worked his jaw and imitated eating popcorn, sound and all, as he watched both us and the foliage behind Luffy.

Luffy grinned from ear to ear. "Will you join my crew?"

I blinked as I processed his question. Then...

"ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" I demanded, my shocked exclamation mirrored closely by the quartet of familiar faces who erupted from the jungle, all of us screaming in shock.

" _Now that's what I call_ **ENTERTAINMENT!"** Soundbite cheered, laughing himself silly on my shoulder.

I promptly shook myself out of my shock in favor of glaring at the snail. "You _knew_ they were coming!" I accused.

" _GUI~LTY~!"_ The transponder snail sang.

I snarled furiously as I raised a hand and held it close to his head, inches from strangling him.

Luffy, meanwhile, was not so lucky. "What the hell are you thinking, you moron, just asking every random hick and hillbilly you meet to join our damn crew?!" Nami snarled as she tried to throttle her laughing captain, shaking him back and forth by his neck.

I briefly wondered whether or not I should have been insulted at being called a hick. Then I noticed just how tightly she was gripping Luffy's neck and dismissed that train of thought with a self-conscious gulp.

"But Nami!" Luffy protested as he chortled, completely unaffected by the fact that his crewmate was trying to suffocate him. "He's not a random hick! His name's Cross and he's really funny and cool and his snail can do all kinds of tricks!"

"WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?"

Sanji cocked his eyebrow as he took a drag from his cigarette, watching the spectacle neutrally. "So this is pretty much how he does things around here?"

Zoro groaned and kneaded the bridge of his nose. "He found me when I was tied up and starved for nearly a month and held my swords hostage to make me join. Does that answer your question?"

The cook grimaced. "Considering how he 'refused my refusal'? All too well."

While all this was transpiring, Usopp sighed wearily and clapped his hand on Cross's free shoulder. "Sorry about Luffy. He's got a good heart, but he's... eh..." He waved a hand in search of a valid word.

I tore my attention away from my shoulder-annoyance. "A moron?" I deadpanned.

" _A ding-a-ling?"_ Soundbite offered enthusiastically. "A goofball? **A Knucklehead McSpazatron?"**

"Eep!" Usopp flinched back in shock.

"Shishishishi!" Luffy bent his head backwards as he smiled at Soundbite. "See Nami? I told you that his snail is really cool!"

Nami snapped an acrid glare up at us, prompting me to flinch self-consciously. The woman had a hell of a gaze, that was for sure. I just _really_ hoped that more of her ire was meant for Luffy than it was for me. "It's a good ventriloquist act, I'll give you that, but it's nothing to get worked up over."

I bristled at the accusation, pointing at Soundbite. "Hey, I do _not_ have my finger up his ass!"

" _I'm not your puppet!"_ The snail sang in agreement simultaneously with an affronted expression.

Nami's expression morphed into one of surprise. "Oooookay... that's new."

" _But_ not impossible." Sanji said around his cigarette as he pointed at the snail. "That's a baby transponder snail, Luffy. He's got a friend somewhere on the island speaking through it."

Luffy's expression fell into one of disappointment. "Awww, really?"

I allowed myself to throw an eager smirk at Sanji. "Guess again, curly!" I gloated, holding my hand to my shoulder and allowing Soundbite to crawl onto my palm. I then held him out and twisted my hand around, displaying his shell. "Soundbite here is as free as the wind!"

The snail smirked and looked Nami over once before letting out a loud wolf-whistle.

I spat out a curse and promptly clapped my hand down on Soundbite's shell, forcing him back inside his exoskeleton he shook with laughter. "Okay, make that as free as an anarchist!" I corrected aggravatedly. I _really_ hated it when he did stuff like this, damn it!

Sanji blinked as he slowly lowered his finger. "Alright... yeah, I got nothing."

Luffy's grin redoubled instantly. "I told you his snail was cool!"

"Oi, what am I, chopped liver?" I groused.

Zoro gave the snail a bored look before looking up at me with a flat, if calculating, look. "So how does he do it?"

I drew myself upright and took my hand off Soundbite's shell, allowing him to peek out. We locked gazes for a second before we shared a smirk. Time to shine!

"Why I'm so glad you asked!" I announced in a slightly extravagant tone of voice, intent on putting on the best show I could. "Allow me to explain in _style!_ Soundbite?"

" _Yes cap'n?"_ The snail asked eagerly as he looked up at me.

I snapped my fingers and pointed straight at Nami. "Hit it!"

Soundbite swung around on my hand and smirked at the orange-haired woman, who blinked back at him in curiosity.

I kept pointing at her as I smiled before starting to speak. _"You see, the thing about Soundbite is that he's not an ordinary snail!"_

The Straw Hats yelped in shock as my voice was drowned out by _Nami's_ voice as it came from Soundbite's mouth.

"The _heck-!?"_ The original sputtered.

Before they could recollect themselves, I'd swung my finger to point at Usopp. _"Well, I mean, I know that he's a baby transponder snail, so he's not normal already, but he's even weirder than that!"_

"Holy crap!" The long-nosed pirate breathed in shock.

I then turned my focus on Sanji. _"See, Soundbite here, as a snail, eats a wide variety of plants and vegetation. But awhile back, he ate a very_ particular _plant that put him above and beyond all other transponder snails, baby or otherwise! Care to guess?"_

Sanji sucked in a puff from his cigarette as he watched me and my partner with interest. "A Devil Fruit."

" _That's exactly right!"_ I responded in his voice before shifting Soundbite's gaze over to Zoro. _"To be specific, he ate a Paramecia fruit, which I'm calling the Noise-Noise Fruit. Not only does it enhance Soundbite's range of hearing well above and beyond the norm..."_

I breathed a mental sigh of relief as the swordsman grinned in response to the use of his voice, thankfully entertained.

Moving on, Luffy matched me and Soundbite's grins tooth for tooth as I pointed at him. _"It lets him repeat anything he hears, any time, any where! He can use his powers in other cool ways too, like, say... putting my words in your voices! Pretty awesome, huh?"_

Apparently sensing the finale, Luffy threw his arm over my shoulder and joined me as I laughed. _"Shishishishi!"_ we chorused.

Almost instantly, half the crew deflated as exhaustion seemed to overcome them.

"Oh god there's two of them..." Nami groaned, tears streaming down her face.

"We're doomed..." Usopp concurred in the exact same position.

Zoro snorted as he looked us over with a slightly amused expression.

Sanji took in a deep drag from his cigarette as he contemplated my snail. "That was..."

"Impressive?" I shrugged with a grin as I put Soundbite back on my shoulder. "Tell me about it. And personally, that's what I consider a parlor trick. He's got a few other stunts up his shell that, in my opinion, can be put to pretty good use."

" _ **GREEAAAH!"**_ Soundbite howled without warning. The noise originated directly behind Usopp, causing the poor guy to jump a full five feet in the air as he shrieked in terror.

I dropped my face into my hand with a groan as Soundbite laughed himself shitless. "When he isn't screwing around for the absolute hell of it..." I snarled out.

To Usopp's credit, he managed to bounce back with frightening fortitude, leaping to his feet and sticking his infuriated face into Soundbite's. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR YOU STUPID SNAIL!?"

My eyes widened in panic as I caught sight of the snail's grin all but _doubling_ in size. "Oh nonono wait _don't-!"_

Too late. Before anyone could react, Soundbite seemed to split his head in half as he opened his maw...

CHOMP! _"YEEEEAAAAAARGH!"_

And bit down on Usopp's nose, hanging on for dear life as he was swung around and around by the pirate's pained flailing, his by-now-trademark cacophony of laughter echoing throughout the clearing.

I could feel, _feel_ my eye twitching as I watched the spectacle. "As you can see, I didn't name him without reason." I explained in a deadpan tone of voice.

"You have our sympathy." Zoro, Sanji and Nami chorused with the exact same amount of emotion.

Luffy was too busy rolling on the floor laughing to say much of anything.

"GET! HIM! OOOOOFF!" Usopp howled, tugging at the gastropod furiously.

Ultimately, I took pity on the sniper by pursing my lips and blowing a sharp whistle. "Soundbite! Let him go, _now!"_ I then raised my hand and barely even flinched as Soundbite's shell slapped into my palm, vibrating with laughter. "Thank you." I told him without so much as a shred of gratitude as I slapped him back onto my shoulder.

" _You're_ WEL **come!"** He sang gleefully.

Nami pursed her lips for a second as she looked me over before shooting a flat look at her captain. "Look, Luffy," she started slowly. "While I can appreciate Cross and Soundbite's talents, and while I'm sure that they're ... that _Cross_ is relatively decent..."

"Thank you!" I piped up.

" **BITE ME!"** Soundbite offered, smiling nonetheless.

"But the fact remains that... well… he hasn't even agreed to this!" Nami snapped. "Besides, he's a normal guy, Luffy! I'm sure he's got a normal life, normal dreams! There's no reason why he'd want to sail with us!"

"Besides the fact that I've been stranded here for the past two weeks, subsisting on whatever fruits and whatnot that Soundbite could direct me to?" I asked with a grimace. That stuff had _not_ been kind to me. I wanted my meat, damn-! ...holy hell I was turning into Luffy.

Nami rolled her eyes as she looked at me. "Well _obviously_ we're going to give you a ride off the island, but-!"

A quick and meaningful glance at Soundbite prompted him to produce a loud buzzing noise that interrupted Nami.

"If I could try getting a word in edgewise?" I asked her politely.

Sanji looked like he was ready to pop a blood vessel, but Nami blinked at me in confusion before shrugging. "Ah... sure, go ahead."

"Thank you..." I nodded in gratitude before turning my attention to Luffy. "Now then... Mister Monkey D. Luffy... I've got a question for you."

Luffy blinked and tilted his head to the side curiously. "Yeah? What is it?"

"You said that you were an adventuring pirate, right? Out to sail the seas in search of the most fun and awesome escapades you can think of?"

 _That_ prompted Luffy to grin eagerly. "Yup! Totally!"

I nodded slowly in understanding. "Alright, alright... then... tell me..." I looked him dead in the eye. "What _exactly_ drove you to fly the Jolly Roger? What's the endgame, the big picture? Simply put..." I spread my arms wide and shrugged. "What's your dream?"

Luffy's expression became blank for a second before he raised a hand to clamp down on his hat as he grinned from ear to ear. "That's easy!"

"I'm gonna be king of the pirates!"

My plan was to smile and nod. To agree with his crazy but all-too-probable dream and just roll with it. To just... accept it.

That wasn't what happened.

Instead, the world just seemed to... _stop_. Those words... they resonated with me. Struck a chord, deep, deep down within, and made it _sing._ It was... clarity. It was obvious, it was simple, it was...

It was _fact._

And just as quickly as it came, it went.

I hastily gave myself a mental shake before grinning wholeheartedly. "King of the pirates, huh? That means you'll be searching for the One Piece, right? In the Grand Line?"

Luffy's grin remained in place as he nodded eagerly. "Uh-huh! It's gonna be super dangerous! We'll probably die on the way!"

"DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT, MORON!" Nami and Usopp roared as they slammed their fists over his skull, while Sanji and Zoro merely rolled their eyes.

I widened my grin as I ignored the antics. "Well then... let me tell you _my_ dream," I took a calming breath as I hastily reviewed the relatively simple story I'd concocted in my head during my relatively solitary confinement. "First and foremost, can you all keep a secret?"

The Straw Hats exchanged bemused glances before nodding their assent.

"Perfect. See, the thing is, my home? You won't ever find it on any written maps. 'Cause as far as the rest of the world knows?" I snickered lightly. "There _aren't_ any countries on the Red Line!"

 _That_ drew looks of awe and disbelief from the pirates.

"Are you serious?" Nami breathed.

I nodded solemnly. "Indeed. A small country, more a city-state than anything, known as Florida, located on the part of the Red Line that borders the North Blue and the East Blue. Our ancestors founded it somewhere around... eh..." I waved my hand in a 'so-so' manner. "Four, five hundred years ago? I was never much of a history buff."

I shook my head. "Anyways, the reason my ancestors founded it was that they were sick of living under the oppressive thumbs of varying kingdoms and factions of the World Government, so little by little they gathered together before scaling the Red Line and founding a nation for themselves. They then made _certain_ to keep Florida nice and secret, so that they would never have to live under the World Government's tyranny again! We've kept tabs on the rest of the world, of course, wouldn't do to become estranged from our roots, but the fact remains that you guys are some of the _very_ few people in the word who can claim to know about our existence!"

"Wooow..." Luffy breathed in awe.

Zoro, however, was far less impressed. "And what does all this have to do with anything?" He asked in a bored tone of voice.

I raised my hands in surrender. "Well... the fact is, for all we've kept up on current events and whatnot... we don't _really_ have a lot of first hand information. People rarely go down to the ocean. But..." My eyes took on a slightly wistful dream as I stared into the distance. "We do... have stories. Stories about wonderful islands far beyond the imagination, of sights more beautiful than anything ever seen before... a literal _ocean_ of possibilities."

I chuckled lightly as I came back down to earth. "I've... never been satisfied with those stories, you know? I've... I've always wanted... _more._ " I snapped my fists up as I grinned, a true and honest smile. "My dream... is to _explore_ the ocean I've heard so much about! I want to experience those wonders for myself! I want to see those beautiful sights! I want to visit those islands, see everything that they have to offer!"

The crew stared at me with slightly eager expressions, a new look of evaluation in their eyes as they took me in.

As my moxy slowly flowed out of my, I grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of my head. "In order to accomplish that goal, I left Florida and came down here, into the East Blue. I was sailing around on a passenger ship when a particularly nasty Sea King attacked. I fell overboard in the middle of all the chaos, wound up washing ashore and, well..." I clapped my hands together and spread them wide. "Here we are!"

"Anyways... how does this all matter, you might ask? Well..." I chuckled as I smiled happily at Luffy. "You say you're going to the Grand Line. You say you're going to be King of the Pirates. You say you're going to have the greatest adventure of our entire generation. And before all that... you asked me if I wanted to join your crew. Am I right?"

Luffy nodded eagerly in agreement, excitement radiating from his being.

I glanced at Soundbite with a smile, which he returned with a smirk, before I looked back at Luffy. "Well in that case, how the heck could I possibly say no?"

" _We're in,_ **BABY!"** Soundbite whooped.

Luffy's reaction was instantaneous as he flung his arms into the air with a shout of joy. "WOOHOO! WE'VE GOT A NEW CREWMATE!" he hollered, swiftly entrapping me in a one-armed hug.

As if on cue, the rest of the crew let out tired groans.

"That's our captain, always reckless..." Nami groused, the heel of her palm that she was grinding into her forehead doing nothing to hide her grin.

"Yeah, but it wouldn't be Luffy any other way, would it?" Sanji chuckled melancholically as he puffed on his cigarette.

Usopp muttered something under his breath before pointing at Soundbite. "You're alright, Cross, but that snail of yours had better watch his back!"

Soundbite's smirk took on a predatory overtone as he met Usopp's gaze. **"Bring it** , biotch!"

Zoro rolled his eyes at his crew's antics with a scoff before jerking his thumb over his shoulder. "Alright, enough fun and games. It's getting late, might as well head back to the Merry. Fair warning, Cross, you're going to want to brace your stomach. The shit-cook's food-!"

SLAM!

Zoro blocked a kick from the blond cook with Wado Ichimonji's sheath.

"Watch your damn mouth, you crap-GRGH!" Sanji cut himself off as both he and Zoro suddenly doubled over, twitching in pain.

I blinked in surprise, though I suspected I knew what the problem was. "Are... they alright?"

Nami growled darkly under her breath as she glared at the pair. "Nothing important. Just a couple of morons forgetting that they were in a _life and death struggle a week ago!"_ she snapped at them.

"Ouch." I winced. "My deepest of sympathies." I meant it, too. Arlong might have been half-way decently justified, but he was still a sadistic fuck, and Mihawk hadn't done Zoro any favors either.

"Psh!" Zoro scoffed as he righted himself, albeit with minor tremors racking his body. "What, this? This is nothing."

Nami stared at him with a decidedly unimpressed expression for a second before jabbing him straight in his chest. The swordsman's face immediately twisted in a grimace as he barely managed to suck in a grunt of pain.

The navigator scowled and rolled her eyes at the green-haired man's show of machismo before addressing me, adopting a pleasant facial expression with unnerving ease. "Anyways... I think it's high time we were introduced." She held her hand out. "I'm Nami, our - and now your, I suppose - crew's navigator."

I smiled politely as I shook her hand. "Cross, Jeremiah Cross. It's nice to meet you, Nami. I look forward to sailing with you."

Nami nodded politely before scowling over her shoulder. "As for everyone else, Moron the First," she jabbed her thumb at Zoro, who flipped her off in response. "Is Roronoa Zoro, while Moron the Second," she indicated the blond cook, who flipped from snarling at Zoro to preening with hearts in his eyes, "Is Sanji. He's Usopp," she pointed at the long-nosed sniper, who didn't break his staring contest with Soundbite before waving her hand at Luffy. "And you've already met Monkey D. Luffy, our fearless-to-a-fault captain."

I smiled and raised a hand in greeting. "Pleased to meet you all, I hope we can all become good friends," I then proceeded to adopt a plaintive expression. "And please, for the love of god, don't blame me for whatever shit Soundbite pulls. He's my partner, not my pet. I only _wish_ I had a more reliable degree of control over him."

" _Honk!"_

Usopp jolted in panic as a car horn seemed to blare directly behind his head before scowling at the seemingly ever-hysterical culprit perched on my shoulder.

"For the record, so long as it doesn't incapacitate, maim or kill him, he's fair game in terms of retribution." I deadpanned.

" _Trai_ **TOR!"** Soundbite barked as he shot a glare at me.

" _Bite me."_ I growled.

Through it all, Luffy all but broke down in hysterics. "You guys are _hilarious!"_ he wheezed.

While the sniper and navigator turned on our captain under the watchful eyes of our cook and swordsman, I heaved a heavy internal sigh.

Well... looked like that was that.

I was officially, now and forever, a Straw Hat Pirate.

Now... I could only _hope_ things would be smooth sailing from here.

 **-o-**

I let out a rapturous moan as I savored the meat I was chewing on. Oh yeah, _definitely_ smooth sailing.

"Th'nk- _ulp-_ you!" I managed to get out as I chewed and swallowed, eagerly cutting into another slice of sausage. "This is legitimately, _legitimately_ delicious! Thank you _so_ much!"

"Mmhmm!" Soundbite murmured in agreement as he chowed down on a bowl of oats that had been provided to him.

Sanji chuckled in appreciation as he watched us gorge ourselves. "It's no problem. It _is_ my job after all; I'd be a joke of a chef if I couldn't satisfy my diners. Though, fair warning-!"

 _THUNK!_

Both Sanji and Luffy froze in surprise as I buried my knife in the table, an inch from the rubber-man's slowly creeping fingers. I slowly turned my head to stare at my captain, my face completely devoid of emotion.

"Luffy." I stated frigidly. "I have been subsisting on roots, nuts, berries, fruits and 'shrooms for the past. Fourteen. Days. If you even so much as _attempt_ to touch the first sizable amount of protein I've had in two weeks, I will set a global land-speed record for _mutiny._ In short, remove your hand _or I will remove it for you."_

Silence fell on the Merry's meager dining room as the rest of the crew stared at me in shock. Slowly, Luffy withdrew his limb, although, worryingly enough, his gaze never swayed from my plate.

Finally, Sanji took a contemplative tug from his cigarette. "Well. That was a first."

"The first time someone's reacted to his antics like that, or the first time he's actually listened?" I queried before putting the rest of my sausage in my mouth.

Sanji's smirk widened slightly. "Yes."

I jerked as a heavy hand fell on my shoulder, prompting me to look up at Zoro as he grinned at me. "You'll fit in just fine, kid."

I shot him a flat frown. "'or t'e 'ecord..." I swallowed the bite in my mouth. "I'm _eighteen."_

Zoro's grin turned into an uneven smirk. "Whatever you say, _brat."_

I stared at him for a second before sweeping my gaze over the rest of the crew. "This-this is going to be a thing, isn't it? I am _never_ going to shake that, am I?"

Luffy, Usopp, Nami and - much to my exasperation - _Soundbite's_ reactions were to smile at me knowingly.

I sighed and rolled my eyes as I jabbed my fork into my plate. "Perfect," I muttered good-humoredly, shoving a large serving of food into my mouth and swallowing it swiftly. "Just, freaking, _perf-!"_

I promptly froze as my mind caught up with my tastebuds. "Uh oh..."

Soundbite's smile expanded exponentially as he snapped his gaze to me. "Dun _dun_ _ **dun!"**_

Luffy blinked in confusion. "Huh? What's wrong?"

With an immense amount of trepidation, I turned my gaze down towards my plate. My eyes settled on the object I logically _knew_ I would see, staring at it as though it were a live bomb. Which, to me, it might as well have been.

"Is that a biscuit?" I asked miserably.

Sanji blinked at me in confusion. "Uh... yeah? Why, what does that matter?"

In response, my stomach roared like a small Sea King, causing my face to take on a no-doubt-unhealthy tone of gray. "That's why." I whimpered. I snapped my attention over to Nami. "Which way to the head?"

"Uh..." Nami blinked as she was caught flat-footed before hastily rallying her wits. "The deck below us. Go down the stairs, through the door and it's straight-!"

I didn't wait for her to finish, instead hastily shoving my way out from around the table and out through the kitchen's door. I vaulted over the railing, landed on the deck below and shouldered my way through both doors before leaping on the porcelain god I was about to become _far_ too intimate with.

And thus was my first half hour on the Going Merry spent in intestinal agony, haunted by Soundbite's ever-present and ever-aggravating mirth.


	3. Chapter 3 - Loguetown Pt 1

**Chapter 3**

"Come on, what was it? The flour, the milk, the—?"

"I don't know, alright?!" I snapped irritably, sending a caustic glare at Sanji. "I'm not lactose or gluten intolerant, I drink milk and eat bread without worry! And really, I think that biscuits taste delicious, but whenever they go down my throat, all that comes out is..." I shuddered in horror. "Yeah... anyways, it's just biscuits that's the issue, alright? Can't you just drop it already?"

Sanji blew out a cloud of smoke with an irritated huff as he returned my glare. "Not a chance. I'm this ship's cook, so I need to account for everyone's dietary needs. It's my job to make sure that that doesn't happen again!"

"It won't happen again so long as I don't eat biscuits!" I threw my hands up in exasperation. "Anyways, don't you have a dessert to work on for 'Nami-swan'?"

Sanji growled in aggravation as he debated with his priorities for a moment before turning back to his kitchen. "This isn't over, crap bum."

I rolled my eyes in response, shifting around in an effort to get comfortable on the sack of rice I was sitting on, refocusing on my book.

I'd been sailing on the Going Merry with the Straw Hat pirates for somewhere around a week now, and my life was... actually going smoother than that conversation implied. Sure, Sanji got on my case every now and then in order to get to the bottom of whatever it was that hadn't sat well with me, but other than that both he and his food were great. Zoro mainly watched me out of the corner of his eye and didn't bother me so long as I didn't bother him, Nami gave me a crash course in how to help with handling the ship, Usopp was eager to share any number of stories, real or otherwise, and Luffy... well, Luffy was Luffy, nothing more to say on that matter.

Soundbite seemed to be enjoying himself as well, if the genuine, as opposed to mocking, laughter he was constantly bellowing out was anything to go by. Of course, that wasn't to say that he'd mellowed out, by any stretch of the imagination. No, if anything he was well and truly reveling in his expanded array of available targets for his pranking. I'd already befallen retribution from half of the crew for Soundbite's very loud and very early wake up calls, though thankfully Usopp had kept his vengeance limited to the snail himself instead of me, albeit with limited results.

I'd had a bit of sea-sickness at first, but I'd gotten over it quickly on account of the fact that my grandfather lived on a boat and that I'd stayed on it with him every summer. All in all, it was a pretty nice experience.

"And get your shitty shoes off the food!"

Alright, 95% percent nice, but you take the good with the bad.

I shot another irritated glare at him, but complied nonetheless, shifting my feet off the sack I'd been propping them up on. I slipped my earphones up over my ears...

" _GAH!"_ I yelped in pain, snapping them off in order to escape the barrage of heavy metal riffs that had blindsided me. I panted heavily in shock for a second before growling and rapping my fist on the shell that was hanging onto the side of a nearby barrel. "I said country _,_ not _punk metal!"_ I hissed irritably.

A small cacophony of giggles wafted out of Soundbite's shell in response. Thankfully, however, he chose to comply, allowing me to sag in relief as a calm strumming came out of my headset, rather than harsh screaming.

Satisfied, I slid my headphones back on, settled in, and resumed my reading.

I was currently perusing a respectably thick volume that contained a summary of the history of the Blue Seas. I'd borrowed it from Usopp, who'd apparently brought it onboard alongside everything he'd ever owned. I'll be honest: history wasn't usually my cup of tea, and sure, the contents were propaganda-rifficly skewed in favor of the World Government and Marines, almost sickeningly so, but it was _definitely_ interesting. The sheer amount of influence that pirates had had on the Blues' society was... staggering, to say the least. Nations had literally risen and fallen on the whims of the stronger individuals who flew the Jolly Roger, and Paradise and the New World were described as though they were on a different world entirely.

I was midway into the history of the Marine presence in the West Blue...

" _EEEEH!"_

"SONNUVA— _SOUNDBITE!"_ I howled, whipping my headphones off as the music was suddenly replaced with a loud buzzer. I snapped a furious glare at the snail. "What the hell was that—!... for?" I blinked as I noticed that the snail was missing. "The hell—?"

"Ahem."

I looked up in confusion and promptly withered under the caustic glare Nami was directing at me, Soundbite snickering in the palm of her hand.

"Ah... aheh..." I chuckled as I scratched the back of my head sheepishly. "Have you been... standing there long?"

"A full minute trying to get your attention," Nami deadpanned as she tossed Soundbite into my lap. "Be happy Soundbite was so happy to help, otherwise I'd have sicked Sanji on you."

I swallowed heavily as I eyed the cook who was, thankfully, too engrossed with his craft to notice our exchange. "Duly noted. It won't happen again."

Soundbite imitated a whipcrack noise with a snicker.

He would have done more, but I promptly crammed him back into his shell. "Yeah yeah, I get the idea..." I scowled at him before looking up at the navigator. "Anyways, what did you need?"

Nami frowned irritably, though thankfully her ire didn't appear directed at me. "Have you seen Zoro, Usopp, and Luffy? I can't find them anywhere and I need to talk to everyone."

My eyebrows promptly shot up in disbelief. " _You_ can't find those three on a ship this small?" I asked in surprise.

" _Ir_ **on** IC!" Soundbite scoffed, shooting a cocky smirk at Nami.

I momentarily contented myself with the annoyed look on Nami's face before shivering as I was hit by a particularly malevolent wave of killing intent that came from the kitchen."I-I-I mean—! I'm sure there's a _completely_ legitimate reason, of course!" I grinned nervously as I simpered and shrank before the navigator, sighing in relief as the aura receded.

Soundbite whistled out another whipcrack with a laugh.

I shot a glare down at the snail. "Care to speak up, _escargot?"_

Thankfully, the threat of Sanji's frying pan served as an effective deterrent against the baby transponder snail's sense of humor, prompting him to snap his mouth shut instantly with a terrified expression.

"Yeah, I didn't think so."

Meanwhile, Nami had heaved a sigh and was kneading her forehead in exasperation. "Believe me, I know the Merry is small, but the fact is that those three are... special... to say the least. They can sniff out the most _ridiculous_ corners to stick themselves in..." She shook her head and threw her hands up in defeat. "You know what? Forget it. Just... tell them to come here and wait for me if you see them, alright?"

I almost instantly felt a pang of guilt for my attitude. After all, I'd seen first hand that Nami worked hard: she was constantly scouring the sky and ocean for signs of the weather, she consistently checked over maps and made certain of our heading, fought tooth and nail to keep Luffy from sinking the Merry— _that_ was a hands on job, believe me...

"Ah, hang on!" I got to my feet hastily, scooping Soundbite onto my shoulder. "You don't need to look for them, I can get them here in a jiffy."

Sanji and Nami looked at me in surprise. "Seriously?" Nami asked, a skeptical tone in her voice. "How?"

I shrugged and walked over to the table. "Easy, really." I plucked Soundbite off my shoulder and put him on the tabletop with one hand and slid my earphones on with the other. I then tapped the snail on top of his shell. "Amp me."

Soundbite gave me a dark leer. " _What's_ **THE** magic—?"

I rolled my eyes with a sigh. " _Please."_

Soundbite concentrated slightly before letting out a tinny, electric whine. " _You are on the air!"_ he crowed, his voice echoing slightly as though it were coming from a speaker.

I clamped my hands down over my headphones. " **Luffy, Usopp, Zoro!"** I called out, causing Nami and Sanji to jump in shock as my voice rang out over the ship at a volume that made it sound like the voice of God Himself.

"The _heck!?"_ Nami sputtered.

I covered my headphone's mic with my hand as I smiled back at Nami. "I told you that Soundbite's voice-swap thing was only a parlor trick." I then put my hand back down and focused on the snail. " **Nami wants to tell us something. Get your asses in the meeting room, now. Over and out."** I jerked my hand across my neck and Soundbite let out a sigh of relief.

Barely even a few seconds later the door to the meeting room burst inwards as Luffy and Usopp rushed me, with Zoro following them in at a more sedate pace.

"Hey, Cross, was that you just now?" Luffy asked me eagerly.

"Yeah, and that damn snail?" Usopp snarled, shoving his face as close to Soundbite as could without getting a fresh set of bite marks on his nose, a threat that Soundbite was literally chomping at the bit to fulfill.

I sighed and rolled my eyes in long-suffering exasperation. "What did he do now?"

"Your voice came out of the toilet!"

I blinked before letting out a snort and clamping my hand over my mouth. "A-alright, that's _weird,_ but you've gotta admit, that _does_ sound pretty damn funny."

" _While I was using it!?"_

I promptly shot a scowl at my cackling snail. "Soundbite!"

" _ **Clean-up**_ **on** AISLE THREE!" he snorted gleefully.

"You'd _better_ have cleaned up!" Nami growled, murder in her eyes, causing Usopp to shrink back with a whimper of terror.

Soundbite laughed and produced a flurry of whipcracks... until a familiar shaking sound came from behind him, prompting him to slowly look behind him, eyes wide in naked terror.

Sanji smiled darkly as he held the salt shaker. "Oh, don't mind me, just contemplating what to make Nami-swan for dinner." He gave it another shake, just to emphasise the point.

Soundbite promptly let out a yelp of terror and jerked back into his shell.

I gave Sanji a half-grateful, half-irritated look as I placed the shivering gastropod on my shoulder. "Thanks for shutting him up, but to reiterate, if you ever fry him, I'll fry you, capiche?"

Sanji rolled his eyes as he flipped the salt shaker away. "That all depends on him."

Soundbite popped his eyes out, both glaring at the cook. " **Screw** _you."_

I rolled my eyes and was about to comment on the little clash when Nami raised her hand and spoke up. "Ah, excuse me, but..." She pointed at Soundbite. "This never came up before... but what exactly is the range on Soundbite's power?"

I shrugged helplessly. "I've never been that good with distances, and we never got anything concrete on the island, but... I'd say _maybe_ somewhere like a quarter of a mile? He can hear anything in that range easy, and with a little effort he can cause sounds anywhere within it as well. Worst thing he gets from it is a sore throat, and considering how he's a transponder snail, even if just a baby, I doubt there's much risk of that."

"NOPE _NOPE **NOPE!"**_ Soundbite crowed eagerly.

Nami blinked as she stared at Soundbite in shock before she finally managed to speak. "That's... actually _incredibly_ useful. I mean, you just called the whole ship together in seconds without even moving. I can name a dozen different crews that would _kill_ for something like that. Not to mention—!"

"The eavesdropping potential?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. "Yeah, already thought of that. I'm actually going to try and get him kitted out with formal transponder snail gear as soon as I can. With any luck, it could really help him with his powers."

" **We can rebuild him. We have the technology!"** Soundbite concurred eagerly.

Nami pondered this for a second before looking at our captain. "Hey Luffy... why not make Cross and Soundbite our communications officers?"

Luffy blinked and tilted his head in confusion. "Eh? What's that?"

"That would be a person in charge of helping the entire crew communicate with one another, right?" I guessed.

Nami nodded in agreement. "Exactly."

Zoro scoffed slightly. "Seems a bit redundant, considering how there's only six of us."

" _ **OI!"**_

"Fine, seven, sheesh. My point still stands, though."

"Yeah, seven of us _now,_ maybe. But as our captain demonstrated recently—" Nami jabbed her thumbs at me and Luffy. "We're liable to pick up more crewmates in the future. Plus, with Soundbite's volume, he could get messages out to everyone when things are really loud. Like, say, during the middle of a battle or a storm. Easier than trying to shout over the wind at any rate. And of course, transponder snails are really useful for keeping everyone connected... hm... now that I think about it..." Nami mused as she bowed her head in thought for a second before snapping back to the moment. "A-Anyways, a comms officer would be really useful."

I considered her argument for a second before shrugging in agreement. "I'm all for it if you'll have me, captain."

Luffy tilted his head in thought for a few seconds before grinning enthusiastically. "Alright! Sounds good!" He shot me a thumbs-up. "From now on, Cross will be our ship's Commie!"

I barely caught myself from dropping my jaw in pure, naked horror. Soundbite, on the other hand, had no such compunctions, laughing as loud and as hard as he could.

Usopp stared at Soundbite in confusion. "Uh... does he have a reason to be laughing like an idiot?" His expression darkened instantly. "Beyond just being a slimy little shit I mean."

Soundbite responded by blowing a raspberry at the sniper.

"Inside joke that I will take to my grave," I ground out.

"Shishishishi!" Luffy chuckled as he scratched the back of his head. "Well, you'll be doing whatever it is that a Commie does, alright Cross?"

I grumbled mutinously as Soundbite's laughter redoubled. " _Da, kapitan..."_

"As momentous as this is," Zoro drawled out, drawing out the word. "Was there a reason that you called us all together?"

Nami jerked as her train of thought was brought back on track. "Oh, right! I wanted to talk to you guys about the next island we're going to."

I perked up instantly as I caught on to what she was talking about. "I think I can guess," I whispered reverently. "It's one of the main reasons I decided to come down to the East Blue in the first place."

The navigator smiled and nodded in agreement. "Not surprising. It's a popular town known the world over." She met each and every crewmates' gaze in turn. "It's the last island we'll set foot on in the East Blue. Logue Town. The town of the Beginning and the End."

Sanji, Usopp, and Zoro stiffened immediately, likely from the same thrill of excitement that had shot through me a few seconds prior, while Luffy merely looked confused.

Unsurprised by her captain's reaction, Nami seamlessly segued into an explanation. "It's called that because it's the town where Gold Roger, the King of the Pirates, was born... and executed."

 _That_ prompted Luffy to sit up, his expression blank for a second before turning solemn.

Nami smiled in return. "It'll be our last chance to resupply before entering the Grand Line. So... what do you say, captain? Want to go there?"

The fire that lit in Luffy's eyes was answer enough.

 **-o-**

" _Hooooly_ shit..." I breathed in awe as I took in the arch before me. "This place is huge!"

And I was right, too. There was no better word for the Town of the Beginning and the End than gargantuan. The architecture and crowds reminded me of Paris, save that instead of the buildings being aged or in the process of being renewed, these were absolutely pristine. As for the mass of people and sound around me, I actually found them to be rather comforting. It was nice to finally hear _people,_ as opposed to just the sounds of the ocean or the jungle.

It was especially comforting to notice that a lot of the mannerisms of the people around me were familiar enough to read. Nothing outstanding, nothing that immediately caught my attention, which thankfully meant that the cultural influence was more western-influenced than eastern. Small mercies to Oda for creating (or depicting) a culture that didn't share Japan's. If I had to wrap my head around the usage of suffixes in names, I'd throw myself in the ocean. It also helped that there were enough fashion styles that I didn't particularly stand out, and the climate wasn't hot enough to make my jacket uncomfortable.

Soundbite was as eager as I was to be in the midst of civilization, if not moreso. His eyes were on separate swivels as he scanned the crowd, spouting out snippets of sound and conversation at random as he picked up a veritable arsenal of words and voices. More than a few promised potential headaches in the future.

"So this is where the Age of Pirates began..." Sanji whistled in awe.

The rest of the crew and I nodded as we stood before the entrance to the town proper, taking in the sights with a profound sense of awe.

Luffy huffed and nodded with determination. "Right! I'm going to see the place where they kill people!"

"I bet I can get some good ingredients here..." Sanji mused to himself.

"And I'll see if I can find some equipment!" Usopp concurred.

Zoro grit his teeth slightly as he cast a sidelong glance at Nami. "There's something I want to buy too."

Nami adopted a truly evil expression as she returned the swordsman's look. "And I'll happily pay for it..." Her smile became downright vicious. "At 300% interest."

Zoro growled and ground his teeth in aggravation. "Damn witch..."

I sighed and patted the swordsman on the shoulder comfortingly. "Look on the bright side: I'm as broke as you, and seeing how I need a new wardrobe—"

Soundbite took a whiff of my jacket and flinched away with a grimace. " _PEE-_ **yew!"**

"And _he—"_ I jabbed my thumb at the slimy devil on my shoulder. "Needs a Transponder Snail rig, I need cash. Hence, we're both going to be in the hole."

"How comforting."

"Actually, about that..." Nami turned and tossed rolls of cash at Zoro and I. To my surprise, mine was a fair bit fatter than the swordsman's. "Zoro, you've got one hundred thousand beri to buy your swords. Cross, three hundred."

The whole crew reeled in shock at this. Nami giving up so much as one hundred thousand was momentous enough already, but _four hundred!?_

"Uh... are you feeling alright?" Usopp asked slowly.

"N-Nami-swan!?" Sanji stammered in concern.

"What the hell, witch!?" Zoro demanded fiercely.

"OH SHUT THE HELL UP!" Nami raged fiercely at them.

"Nami..." I attempted to wrap my head around this... this _madness._ "I don't know how much you usually spend on your wardrobe, but—!"

"Cross, _I'll_ be buying your clothes," she cut me off, giving me a quick look up and down. "Dark colors, grays and blacks primarily, heavy jackets and cargo pants?"

I blinked at the accuracy with which she summarized my preferred wardrobe choices. "Uh... I'm also partial to brown and white and I like hoods and pockets, plain or camo patterns are preferable, but... wait, why would you—?"

"Two reasons. First," Nami primly held up a finger. "You're a man, and as such your fashion taste can be summarized as being questionable, at best."

I winced slightly. "Harsh but fair... on second thought, true. Very true."

"And second," she held up a second finger before pointing at the cash, "That's not for you, that's for me. You're already going somewhere where I want to make some purchases, so you're going to buy them for me while you're there."

I paused as I tried to comprehend where she was going with this before the sound of birds suddenly chirping in my ear made the connection for me. "You want me to buy _Transponder Snails_ for you?!" I blurted in disbelief.

" _ **WHAT!?"**_ Soundbite roared in over a dozen furious voices, glaring and snarling at Nami.

"Oh, calm down!" Nami scolded, rapping her fist on the snail's head. "We're not replacing you or anything, that's impossible considering how you have a Devil Fruit. No, it's just... it's just in case, alright? So that the crew can stay connected even when we're spread out over an island." She refocused on me. "I want you to buy some Baby Transponder Snails, enough for the whole crew. You'll be taking care of them, feeding them, making sure they're healthy... that sound alright with you, captain?" She waited for a response.

When none was forthcoming, she turned to look at him. "Luf— _WHERE THE HELL IS LUFFY!?"_ she shrieked in outrage when she realized that the rubber-man was nowhere in sight.

Zoro jerked his thumb at the street. "He ran off that way a minute ago."

Nami growled furiously as she stared after him, her face slowly flushing with anger. "That... _stupid—!"_

"Hey!" I hastily piped up. "I'll go after him! Make sure that he's safe and that he keeps out of trouble! Who knows, I might even run into the Transponder Snail shop on the way! That sound good to you?"

Thankfully, our navigator managed to slowly calm herself down. "That's... that's... fine. Fine! Go! Catch up to him!" She swung her arms out. "Go, all of you! We'll meet back at the Merry by sundown. Just do me a favor and keep out of trouble, alright?"

" _No_ **prom** ISES!" Soundbite crowed as I ran after Luffy.

" _I WILL_ EAT _YOU ONE DAY, YOU LITTLE SLUG!"_ Nami roared in reply.

"I'll let her, too," I warned the snickering Transponder Snail.

"Promises **promises."**

For a few minutes, I managed to follow Luffy's trail by asking passersby whether or not they'd seen a kid wearing a straw hat, but I eventually got nothing but blank stares. Soundbite was able to give me directionality now and then via snippets of Luffy speaking up, but he couldn't do jack about the veritable labyrinth I was in.

I groaned and scratched the back of my head in annoyance as I strolled down a random street that was heading in the general direction that Luffy was in. "Well, crap... how the hell am I supposed to find him now?"

" _Second star on the right_ AND STRAIGHT ON TILL MORNING!" Soundbite offered.

"Somehow, I don't think that works in real life." I stared at him flatly before sighing and tilting my head back. "Damn it... Nami's going to _kill—!"_

"Whee!"

"Gah!" I cried out suddenly as I staggered out of the way of a small girl as she almost ran into me from out of nowhere. "Watch it, kid!"

"Sorry about that," a man said apologetically as he passed by me. "My little girl really loves her ice cream, and it's the first time I've let her get three scoops."

"Nah nah, it's no problem," I assured him. "I should have watched where I was going. Have a nice day!" And with that I kept going, licking my lips slightly as I suddenly noticed my hunger. Now that I thought about it, some ice cream would go down great right now. Though I doubted I'd ever be able to down three full-sized—!

I almost face-planted as I froze in shock and horror. _THREE SCOOPS!? FUCK ME!_

Before I could so much as move, the crowd around me froze as everyone seemed to simultaneously gasp in terror. Slowly, dreading what I knew I would see, I turned around... and stared.

Big.

There were a lot of other words that could be used to describe Smoker, but 'big' was the one that stuck out at me. Which, in my opinion, was very reasonable, considering how the marine was a _freaking giant,_ towering almost a full head over most of the crowd. Of course, one also had to account for the fact that he was built like an ox and had a face that looked like it belonged on a bulldog... or a Sea King. And he was focused on a terrified little girl and the newly formed stains on his pants.

However, as I scanned the crowd, I couldn't help but shiver at the expressions people were wearing: horror, foreboding, anticipation...

' _They really think that he's going to hurt her.'_ I thought numbly. ' _Despite everything he's done for them, all the pirates he's captured, how he really is... they're all legitimately petrified.'_

The implications were... disturbing, to say the least.

Finally, Smoker moved, placing his hand on the girl's head and kneeling down... before proffering a hand full of beri coins. "I'm sorry," he growled, his voice as raspy as granite on granite. "My pants ate up all your ice cream. Here, go and buy five scoops."

The girl blinked up at the captain in stunned awe as she took the money. "Th-Thank you, mister."

The girl's father was quick to grab her by her shoulders and hold her close. "Th-Thank you so much, Captain Smoker. I'm so sorry, I'll make sure this doesn't happen again."

"Make sure it doesn't," Smoker ordered firmly. "Not everyone's dry cleaning is paid for by the World Government."

"Y-Yes, sir!" The father nodded hastily in agreement.

"Good." He then gestured at the soldier who was following him. "Let's go."

I promptly froze in place as the Marines marched not only towards me, but _by_ me, Smoker coming within feet of me without sparing me so much as a glance.

I slowly turned on my heel and watched them get a few yards away... before starting to follow them myself.

" _Dafuq you doin' man!?"_ Soundbite hissed in terror.

"The local Marine _captain_ is marching through the town in broad daylight," I hissed back. "Who the hell do you _think_ could earn that kind of response?"

Soundbite blinked in thought for a moment before smirking. " **That moron!"** he cackled in Nami's voice.

"Tell me about it..." I sighed wearily, resigning myself to shadowing the strongest Marine in the East Blue, bar Garp popping in for a family reunion.

Finally, after a few minutes of walking, we wound up on... the docks? Where a bunch of two-bit pirates were raising holy hell!? What the heck was—!? I promptly slapped my forehead in realization. The Loguetown filler episodes, of course. So anime, _not_ manga. Or quite possibly a fusion of the two.

Well, that threatened to wreak holy hell on my knowledge of the future, but hopefully it wouldn't be too bad.

Nevertheless, I allowed myself to relax significantly. Thankfully, in the filler episodes, Smoker hadn't seen Luffy's bounty poster before coming out to deal with these clods, so as far as he was concerned, my crewmates and I were free and clear.

Which was _beyond_ good for me, considering how Smoker promptly engulfed the pirates in a cloud of smoke and beat them within an inch of their life in three seconds flat.

I swallowed heavily at the display. A talking snail and a rubber-man were one thing, but that? That was just downright disturbing.

Soundbite shivered heavily on my shoulder. " **Scary..."** He whispered nervously.

"Tell me about it..." I muttered back in reply, glancing around cautiously. Wouldn't do to get surprised now of all times.

"Hey, Cross!"

"YERK!" I jumped in shock, reeling back as Luffy seemed to pop out of nowhere in front of me. "L— _Captain!"_ I swiftly caught myself. "Where the hell did you come from?!"

"Heh, I got lost!" Luffy chuckled as he rubbed his finger under his nose. "That guy gave me directions though!" He jabbed his thumb back at Smoker, which allowed me to notice the trail of smoke that lead straight over me. "I'm gonna go see the execution platform! Wanna come?"

I considered it for a moment before shaking my head. "Sorry, I've got some business to run for Nami. I'll check it out later though. Have fun!"

"Shishishi! Alright! See ya!" Luffy waved as he ran to follow the smoke.

"Make sure you're back on the Merry by sundown!" I called after him.

"Got it!" he called back before disappearing around the corner.

I rolled my eyes as I listened to his footsteps fade into the distance. "He's a real piece of work..." I chuckled.

"Yes, he is, isn't he?"

My spine promptly went ramrod straight as a blood-chilling voice rumbled behind me. "Meep."

Soundbite swallowed heavily in agreement.

"Turn around."

Slowly, shakily, I turned around and stared up at the marine captain in terror. "Is there a problem, officer?" I asked meekly.

Smoker blew a cloud of smoke that put anything Sanji could manage to shame as he stared down at me. "You've been following me for the past thirteen minutes. Why?"

For a few seconds, I briefly contemplated either bolting or just flat out breaking down. Then... I blinked as I felt something. It was like a... bubbling sensation in my gut. It felt like my stomach was boiling over, but... it wasn't unpleasant. It was actually... nice. Invigorating, actually.

Riding on the high of the sensation, I came to a decision. It was, by a lot of accounts, a _stupid_ decision... but hey, what the hell? I was in One Piece! And as they say, when in Rome...

Taking a deep breath, I steeled my back and forced myself to look Smoker in the eye. "I was curious, sir. I wanted to observe something I'd thought was a myth until now."

Smoker cocked an eyebrow in flat curiosity. "Oh, yeah? And what would that be?"

I clenched my fist firmly as I held Smoker's gaze. "A decent Marine."

The onlooking Marine soldier tensed furiously as he glared at me, but Smoker's reaction was far more volatile, his jaws clenching down on his cigars almost hard enough to bite clean through. "Would you care to qualify that statement?" he growled.

I hissed slightly as the bubbling sensation redoubled, causing my blood to race. I briefly considered outright answering for a second before an idea struck me, causing the bubbling to increase a bit more and putting a small grin on my face. "Actually... I've got a question of my own." I pointed up at Soundbite. "Do you know any shops that sell Transponder Snails? This little guy is wild, and I want to get him a rig."

Soundbite glanced at me in disbelief before recovering his nerve and smirking at the captain. " _Howdy!"_

To the snail's credit, he barely flinched as Smoker flicked a cold glare at him before refocusing on me. "I know where one is. What of it?"

My gut frothed with exhilaration as I out and out smirked up at him. "I propose a trade: you show me where the snail shop is, and in return I'll tell you what I meant. Sound fair?"

Smoker fumed for a moment, both figuratively and literally, before whipping his glare at his accompanying. "Petty Officer!"

The marine in question hastily snapped into a salute. "Y-Yes, sir!?"

"Have the men patrol the docks. Keep your eyes peeled for Monkey D. Luffy."

I caught myself before I could glance at Soundbite, and judging by the fact that neither Smoker or his soldier pounced on me, so did he.

"B-But sir!" the petty officer stammered. "What about—?"

"You have your orders, soldier."

"Y-Yes, sir!" the Marine yelped in agreement before swiftly taking off.

I eyed the Marine warily as he marched off, flatly returning his caustic glare before refocusing on Smoker. "Shall we?" I asked innocently.

Smoker snorted before turning around and stomping down the docks. "Walk and talk," he ordered.

I shrugged slightly as I complied, speeding up my pace slightly to keep up with the large man. "Where do you want me to start?"

"Your general opinion of the Marines." There was no room for compromise in his tone.

I thought over my response for a moment before holding up my hands with a sigh. "Not a lot to say, really. The Marines are an unscrupulous, morally corrupt military organization that is feared by civilians the world over. Simple as that."

Smoker glared down at me as he blew out a particularly nasty-looking cloud. "That's what you think of us?"

"No..." I drawled as I looked up at him coolly. "It's a legitimate fact. One that you proved earlier."

Smoker snorted furiously, his gaze hardening even further. "I didn't hurt that girl and you know it."

"You didn't have to," I replied frigidly. "That girl, her father, and _everyone who saw you_ was scared. Not of you, not of your powers, but of your uniform. Of what you represent. The only difference between you and those pirates you arrested?" I jerked my thumb over my shoulder, "You're well-funded. You're organized. There's more of you than there are of them. And you're _always there._ And if the civilians try to stand up and get rid of you, then the World Government will crush them like ants."

"This argument is starting to sound familiar..." Smoker narrowed his eyes menacingly.

I snorted and looked forwards defiantly. "I'm no Revolutionary, but I'm not an idiot either. I keep up with the maps. Islands disappear, never to be heard from again. The World Nobles are allowed to run roughshod over the rules that their so-called bloodlines established. Hell, I've heard stories of the Marines hunting down and capturing civilians all because they bear brands. Very _specific_ brands." I tilted my head back and let out a sardonic laugh. "The great and powerful Marines: enforcing the laws they don't follow and protecting civilians from all but themselves."

" **Ooh-** _rah."_ Soundbite spat venomously.

Smoker steamed darkly for a second as he contemplated my words. "I trust you have proof to back up these claims."

"I can give you three." I deadpanned. "Just off the top of my head: Captain Axe-Hand Morgan, who ruled over Shell Town like it was his own little fiefdom until a _pirate_ deposed him; Captain Nezumi of the 16th Branch, whose pockets are _very_ open from what I've heard; and _Admiral_ 'Akainu' Sakazuki, who doesn't give two _shits_ about protecting civilian lives, merely killing all pirates in his path, good and bad alike."

 _That_ drew a derisive snort out of Smoker. "Good pirates. _That's_ a myth."

"Now there, I can give you two examples. First," I held up a finger. "I don't know about you, but I'm fairly certain that Whitebeard protecting Fishman Island is a _distinctly_ 'good' thing to do."

"Neither King Neptune nor any noble of the Ryugu Kingdom has asked for support from the Marines, nor has the World Government ordered us to send troops to provide support," Smoker defended swiftly. Too swiftly. It sounded rehearsed. As though he were justifying it to more than just me.

"Oh, I get it!" I piped up in a sickeningly sweet tone of voice. "So the long and short of it is that the Marines won't do their jobs and give a flying fuck until they're ordered to, and the World Government won't order you to, I reiterate, _do your jobs and protect the civilians of a member nation_ , because they couldn't give a crap about pirates and slavers raiding their personal aquarium. How am I doing so far, am I in the ballpark?"

Smoker growled darkly beneath his breath.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "You know, I can't see why people call the Warlords 'government dogs'. After all, from what I've seen so far? The Marines are the World Government's _bitch."_

"Didn't you say you had two points?" Smoker spat rather quickly.

I chuckled humorlessly before moving on. "Well, as for the second..." I shot the captain a cocky grin. "You talked to my captain earlier, and he seemed pretty decent, no?"

The captain immediately came to a halt, glaring down at me menacingly.

I looked up at the Marine with a decidedly unimpressed expression. "Including me and the snail, my crew is precisely _seven_ members strong. We haven't looted, plundered or pillaged the entire way here and as far as I can tell they haven't ever hurt any civilians, period. All we're doing is flying a Jolly Roger and stocking up before we go to the Grand Line. But hey!" I held up my wrists with a mock defeated sigh. "None of that matters to you. Doesn't matter to the Marines. Our flag is black, so we _must_ be evil! So, come on! Lock me up! Toss me in Impel Down to be tortured far more cruelly than most pirates could even conceive of! I mean..." I tilted my head to the side curiously. "That _is_ your job, right?"

Smoker stared down at my hands emotionlessly for a second before turning away sharply. "We're here."

I blinked and looked up at the snail-shell-shaped sign hanging above me. "Huh. So we are." I gave Smoker a polite smile. "Well, this has been an invigorating chat. Thanks for your help!"

And with that, I pushed past the captain and into the store, closing the door behind me before promptly collapsing against it.

"Fuuuuuckfuckfuckfuck..." I hissed to myself, my heart pounding furiously in my chest.

" _You_ CRAZY **boi!"** Soundbite snickered with a grin.

"Tell me about it!" I huffed, a grin sliding over my face as I coasted on the elated feeling in my gut. "Worth it though, right?"

" **FAIR** _ENOUGH!"_

"Er, excuse me, sir?"

I looked up to see a headset-wearing man looking at me curiously from over a counter.

"Are you here to purchase anything, or...?" He trailed off uncomfortably.

I coughed self-consciously as I stood up properly, re-adjusting my clothing in the process. "Ahem, I—yes, yes. Sorry about that, just got out of an... _interesting_ conversation."

The man chuckled and nodded in agreement. "Well, we know all about interesting conversations here at Samson's Transponder Snail Shack." He held a hand out. "I'm Samson, nice to meet you."

I smiled and shook his hand in greeting. "I'm Cross, this is Soundbite," I gestured at the snail, who smirked in greeting. "Nice place you've got here."

And it was, too. Though somewhat small, the walls of the shop were lined with shelves filled with snoozing Transponder Snails of varying sizes and colors, with a wide variety of technology and equipment strapped to them. There was also an open crate, within which I could see several dozen baby snails crawling around.

"Heh, thanks," Samson nodded. "So, what brings you around?"

"Well, first and foremost..." I took Soundbite off my shoulder and put him on the counter. "Soundbite here is a wild snail who I wanna outfit with a baby snail rig. Do you offer that service?"

Samson hummed as he eyed Soundbite curiously. "Mind if I...?"

"Oh, no, go ahead!"

"Alright, then..." He picked Soundbite up and started looking him over. "Hm... good color, healthy weight, his shell seems nice and solid... Mmmyeah, he looks like he could take a rig..."

" _Awww, you're making me blush!"_ Soundbite cackled.

"Yeek!" Samson fumbled the snail, barely keeping himself from dropping the gastropod. "What the—!?"

"Devil Fruit," I replied flatly.

"Ah." The man grimaced. "That explains that." He put Soundbite back onto the counter. "Well, I don't know how his powers will interact with the technology, but I think he's viable to get a rig. It _will_ cost you, though."

I shrugged indifferently. "Yeah, that's to be expected. What would you recommend?"

"Hm..." Samson scratched his chin thoughtfully for a second. "Maybe... an Ichabod-Portentia 6S? Latest model off the market. A bit pricey though."

"How much?"

"Twenty-five thousand beri, installment included and upfront."

" _ **Sold!**_ _Sold!"_ Soundbite squealed eagerly, jumping as much as his invertebrate body allowed.

I smiled as I drew out my cash roll and withdrew the appropriate amount of bills. "You heard the snail: sold."

Samson blinked in surprise before taking the money, counting it swiftly before nodding in agreement. "Alright, then!" He held out his hand and allowed Soundbite to crawl on. "It should only take me a few minutes. It's a delicate process, but not too difficult."

" _Once_ **more** UNTO _**the breach!"**_ Soundbite crowed as he was carried into the store's back room.

"You never went there to begin with!" I replied, albeit with a grin.

I was patient for a while, but after a few minutes I wound up tapping my foot impatiently as I waited for the results. I reached down to my pocket to take out a quick form of entertainment... and promptly found myself cursing Soundbite as I patted down my empty pocket.

Finally...

"And here we have him!"

" _ **I'M BACK, BABY!"**_

I jumped as Soundbite's voice blared out around me, prompting me to whip around and whistle as I caught sight of my snail. "Well, damn! You look good!"

And indeed he did. Not only was he wearing a fresh coat of wax on his shell, he had a shiny new transponder speaker poking out of his side and a small pair of headphones latched around his shell.

"He insisted," Samson scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

"No no, it's fine." I waved him off, taking Soundbite from him and weighing him contemplatively. He'd gained a little weight, but nothing truly off-putting. "So, does it work?"

"I was gonna test it out with one of my snails. Just point one out and—"

" _How's this?"_

We both jumped as Nami's voice suddenly came out of nowhere. However, a quick glance downward revealed that Soundbite was wearing a familiarly lascivious smile.

The next instant, he'd swapped it out for a full-toothed cheesy grin. " _You look stunning, milady!"_

Samson jolted in shock and recognition. "Wait, was that—?"

" _And this?"_

" _So elegant, madam!"_

Samson's jaw dropped in shock. "Holy hell, that's Cintre, the cashier of Robecca Hanberg! We're in the Clerk's Union together!"

My jaw dropped open as I made the connection, Soundbite consistently swapping voices between Nami in the clerk. "Wow, that's... well, to be fair, Soundbite _does_ have a hell of a range."

Samson looked at me in disbelief. "This guy can hear things _a mile away!?"_

" _WHAT!?"_ I yelped, staring down at Soundbite in awe.

The snail snickered pridefully as he tilted his head back and preened. " **I can see** _FOREVER!"_

My mind flew as I processed the development before finally reaching a conclusion. "It must be the transponder..." I whispered in awe. "I always thought he could hear so much because of his species, the transponder must be accentuating it even further."

"Hell if I know, man..." Samson breathed as he stared at Soundbite. "Devil Fruits, you know? That there's some crazy shit."

I nodded slowly before a thought struck me, a crazed grin slowly spreading across my face. "And it's about to get even crazier..." I whispered as I slid my headphones over my ears, prompting Soundbite to move the audio from himself to my headset as Nami left the store, driving the clerk to tears in the process. "Hey, Nami, can you hear me?"

A few seconds later, Soundbite adopted a shocked expression, his eyes darting around frantically. " _What the—Cross?! Where are you!?"_

I chuckled with guilty pleasure at her apparent distress. "In the Transponder Snail shop, about a mile away from you. The transponder worked!"

" _A mile!? And Soundbite can hear_ everything _in that radius?!"_

I opened my mouth to respond—

" _Blue-tongue snapper for five hundred beri! Five hun—!_ **HEY, GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE—!** _AMAA~ZII~NG GRAA~CE—!_ **I think I'm gonna be—!"**

Before wincing as a barrage of sound assaulted me. "Does _that_ answer your question!?"

" _... I heard all that... and Soundbite is a mile away... are you trying to tell me that your pompous, annoying, jerkass of a snail_ is essentially a god of noise!?"

"Uh..." I faltered slightly. "Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit?"

" _He knows everything that happens within a mile of him and he can make anyone_ hear _anything within that range!"_

"He's also the size of a baseball, can only move at the rate of an inch a minute, and salt shakers are as deadly to him as cannonballs."

" _...alright, I feel a little better. By the way, did you catch up to Luffy?"_

"Yeah, I told him to get back to the ship by sundown then let him get on his way. I'm pretty sure he'll be fine."

" _Mmmph... alright, then."_

"Anyways... in light of Soundbite's recent upgrade, maybe we should get less snails? Two should do."

" _Hmm... Well, if it'll save us money, fine. Works for me. Make sure they're good ones, got it?"_

"Got it. See you at the Merry."

" _See you."_

And with that, Soundbite regained his usual proud expression. "TA- **dah!"**

"Well, he's going to be a right pain..." I sighed tiredly. "But, on the upside, I doubt I'll ever manage to misplace him."

"You have my sympathy," Samson chuckled. "So anyways, you said you wanted to buy two more snails?"

"Yeah, just babies." I picked up Soundbite and put him back on my shoulder as I looked into the crate. "Any suggestions?"

"Eh, not really," Samson shrugged as he leaned over the counter. "The majority of snails aren't as... expressive as yours, especially after they get their transponder. In general, one's as good as the o—!"

" _ **MEEDLY-MEEDLY-MEEDLY-**_ **MEEEEOOOOOOW!"**

"Gah!" Both Samson and I jumped as Soundbite suddenly started belting out a guitar solo at the top of his lungs.

"What the hell do you think you're—?!" I cut off the impending rant when I caught sight of the crate.

Most of the Baby Transponder Snails had withdrawn into their shells... but two of them were still out, goofy grins on their faces as they bobbed along to Soundbite's beat.

"Well, that's one way of doing it..." Samson mused.

"Tell me about it," I agreed, fishing the two snails out and placing them on the countertop. "So, how much?"

"Mmm... these guys are pretty big, quality range, so... two hundred thousand? Oh!" The clerk ducked down behind the counter and brought out a leather case with a shoulder strap. "And I'll even throw in this snail carrier for an extra six thousand. Sound like a deal?"

"It does to me," I nodded, drawing out the payment and plopping it on the desk. "Thanks a bundle."

"Same to you, buddy," Samson concurred, placing the snails in the bag and handing it over. "Good luck on your travels."

Slinging the strap over my free shoulder, I waved goodbye as I left the Snail Shack. I glanced around the street, contemplating where to head next...

"Why did you do it?"

Before snapping my head over my shoulder, blinking at Smoker in surprise as he leaned against the wall of the shop. "Excuse me?" I asked in confusion.

Smoker pushed off the wall and walked up to me, looming like a particularly ominous cloud. "You might have a smart mouth, but you're still a smart kid. You could have been a lot of things, so why a pirate?"

I considered my answer for a moment. There were a lot of things I could say, but as it was, I felt that honesty was the best policy. As such, I spread my arms wide. "I have a dream," I announced. "Or rather, I had _a_ dream, just one, one that I started with. Then... something changed."

Smoker cocked an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah? What?"

My mind went back...

" _I'm gonna be king of the pirates!"_

And I smiled exultantly. "My captain," I chuckled. "I know he doesn't look like much, but... when he told me his dream..." I shook my head in awe. "I can't really explain it, but the fact of the matter is that... I _believe_ in his dream. I believe that he's going to accomplish it, and I believe that he's going to do things, magnificent, _glorious_ things in the process." I shrugged matter-of-factly. "I want to have a front-row seat while he does it. Simple, no?"

For what felt like an eternity, Smoker stared down at me; he watched me, _judged_ me with his inscrutable gaze. Finally, he spoke. "Is your crew heading to the Grand Line?"

I shot a smirk at him. "Isn't everyone with a Jolly Roger and a ship?"

"And I can't talk you out of this madness?"

A hint of steel came into my glare. "Captain, that's a _stupid_ question and you know it."

Smoker let out a sigh of defeat as he scratched the back of his head. "Stupid kid..." He dug into a pocket of his jacket and tossed a small rod of metal at me. "Here. You'll need this."

I fumbled and only just managed to catch the rod, looking it over in confusion. It was short and stubby and... it looked... familiar...

Acting on a hunch, I flicked my arm out, causing the seven-inch tube to unfold into a rod that was only a little less than two feet long.

I eyed the rod in surprise, hefting it contemplatively. "Is this... a tactical baton?"

"Standard issue in the Marines, meant to handle civilians in a non-lethal manner," Smoker grunted in explanation. "It's not much, especially without knowing any techniques, but it's better than nothing."

And with that, he turned on his heel and began to march down the streets. "Try not to die."

I blinked in shock, staring at the rod for a second before looking up at the captain. "Wait!" I called out.

Smoker halted and looked back at me.

I held up the baton. "Why?" I asked slowly. "I told you that I was a pirate. I disparaged the Marines and the World Government. You would have been well within your rights to break my nose at any point that I was talking. So, why didn't you?"

Smoker stared at me for a second before breathing out a sigh of smoke. "I wanted to prove you wrong."

I shook my head definitively. "You would have proved me wrong if you locked me in shackles."

"Not about that, dumbass..." Smoker gnawed on his cigar darkly. "You said that I was a good Marine. A good Marine wouldn't have let you walk one more step once they knew what you were." He turned around and started to walk away once more. "It's as simple as that."

I watched him walk away for a second before hastily shouting. "Captain!"

Smoker froze and looked back again, this time with a tinge of exasperation.

"I don't like what the Marines currently are," I announced plainly. "And I don't like what they do. But..." I sighed and shook my head. "I respect what it stands for, and I respect you. I never said that good Marines were a myth, sir. There are too many good Marines by half. It's decent ones that are in short supply. There's a difference. A big one."

I brought my hand up into a salute as I nodded at the captain. "Ooh-rah, sir."

" _Ooh-rah,"_ Soundbite echoed seriously.

Smoker stared at me for a second before scoffing and continuing on his way, his hand raised in farewell.

I watched him for a few seconds before glancing at Soundbite. "Well... now that that's been handled, wanna go find Nami and make sure she doesn't buy us anything that makes us look like a pair of crossdressers?"

" _Ándale,_ **ándale!"**

"My thoughts exactly."


	4. Chapter 4 - Loguetown Pt 2

**Chapter 4**

"Well, this is turning out to be harder than I thought..." I grumbled morosely as I trudged through the town's streets.

" _Turns out my job's not so easy, is it now?"_ Nami asked innocently.

"You're supposed to be able to guide all of us anywhere at anytime, Nami. I think that renders your argument a _little_ invalid," I groused with a roll of my eyes.

" _HEY! Don't talk to Nami-swan like that!"_

"Ack!" I yelped, jerking one of my headphones off my ear before glaring at the snickering snail on my shoulder. " _Volume control,_ jackass!"

Soundbite chuckled maliciously for a moment before adopting a far prouder expression. " _Nice work, Soundbite. Your dinner'll be gourmet tonight!"_

" **Thank** _ **youuu!"**_ The gastropod sang enthusiastically.

" _No honor among thieves, huh?"_ Usopp asked darkly.

"Tell me about it..." I sighed tiredly.

For the past few minutes, Soundbite had managed to locate the majority of our crewmates and connect us all together with sound. Usopp had been more than a little freaked out by the seemingly ghostly voices of the crew, but Nami had swiftly calmed him down... though Soundbite's increase in power had been a visible point of consternation. Soundbite messing around with him via a few _really_ ghostly voices hadn't helped matters either.

" _Alright, enough. Cross, still no luck finding Luffy?"_ Zoro asked gruffly _._

Currently, we were all scanning the streets of Logue Town in search of our captain, following Nami informing us all of an impending storm that was fast-approaching the island. Furthermore, she'd also warned us all about the dangers of the local marines, Smoker in particular. I had made an... educated decision to _not_ mention my close run-in with the good Captain. While that had been fun, the mere concept of the wrath of Nami had nowhere near the same allure.

I tsked and shook my head in exasperation. "None. Either he's being as quiet as a churchmouse-"

" _HA!"_ Nami barked.

"- which were my exact thoughts - or, more likely, he's somewhere so loud that he's being drowned out and Soundbite can't pick him out. Still, it's Luffy, so he _should_ be at the execution scaffold's plaza..." I paused for a second before hanging my head with a chuckle. "Though knowing him he'll probably be _on_ the scaffold."

" _Yup."_

" _That'd be just like him."_

" _I wouldn't be surprised."_

There was a moment of silence that gradually became more and more uncomfortable until finally...

" _Cross, can Soundbite hear any places loud enough to drown out Luffy?"_ Nami asked slowly.

I glanced at the snail questioningly and winced as he nodded with a grimace. "EEEYUP!"

"Does that answer your question?"

" _And... can you hear what's going on there?"_

I promptly tapped the side of my headphones, preparation preventing me from wincing as a wave of sound flooded my skull. I pursed my lips as I tried to parse through the cacophony before grimacing as something stood out. "I don't suppose Luffy's ever had anything to do with a pirate by the name of 'Buggy', has he?" I asked, fully expecting the answer.

A moment of silence. Then...

" _Crap."_ Zoro summarized succinctly.

" _Everyone doubletime it to the plaza! Now!"_ Nami ordered, a tone of panic entering her voice.

" _You heard the lady, Usopp! Shake a leg!"_

" _Alright, alright! But if you really want us to hurry, then maybe you should_ take the heavier end of this thing!"

"NO PAIN **NO GAIN!"**

" _LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING PHYSICAL!"_

Soundbite's _very_ mature response was to blow a multi-tonal raspberry.

"You do realize that he has a point, ri-OW!" I grit my teeth as Soundbite chomped on my ear. "Withdrawn! Withdrawn! Let go already!" I sighed in relief as he finally complied. "Alright, we'll talk about this later, but for now, hold on tight!"

I broke into a fast trot down the street...

Before hastily backpedalling and jogging in place before a vendor's stand. "Pardon me," I inquired as I panted heavily. "But how much does a particularly heavy-duty Log Pose cost?"

 **-o-**

"Hey, guys!" I wheezed as I skidded to a stop next to the rest of the crew. We were all gathered on the outermost edges of a massive plaza, a huge crowd assembled directly next to us.

Zoro gave me a flat look as he 'graced' me with a cursory glance. "You need to exercise more."

"I'll- _hoo-_ get right on that..." I groaned, thanking anyone and everyone I could as energy returned to my aching muscles. "Any- _huff-_ luck finding- _wheeze-_ Luffy?"

The swordsman promptly plopped his hand on my head and turned it so that I was following the crowd's line of sight. I blinked at the tall wooden tower that loomed over the mass of people before focusing on the prone and flashy figures at the top of the structure. I immediately dropped my face into a deadpan stare. "Honestly, I really should have seen _that_ coming."

"Yup." Soundbite, Nami _and_ Usopp nodded in solemn agreement.

Sanji sighed as he clicked his lighter and lit a cigarette, eyeing the situation with a wary gaze. "Cross, Nami, Usopp. Take the supplies back to the Merry, Zoro and I will get our captain out of there."

I glanced at the navigator and sniper for a second before shaking my head firmly. "No way. I'm staying here to help."

Nami looked at me in bewilderment. "No offense to you, Cross, but how could you _possibly_ help those two in a fight? I've seen you naked-"

"Don't remind me..." I groused, a blush riding up on my cheeks.

"- and you have just about _no_ muscle mass. You'd be dead in three seconds flat!"

"If I actually _fought,"_ I corrected. I glanced at the crowd before pointing out three civilians who were spread apart at random. "Distract."

Soundbite immediately latched his gaze on to the civilians and grinned mischievously before appearing to speak without actually making any noise.

The reactions were... impressive, to say the least. Almost instantly, the civvies leapt close to a foot off the ground, spinning around and looking for the source of whatever had just happened. One of the civilians suddenly turned around and punched another square in the jaw, a furious look on his face, before being tackled by the third. Within seconds, the three were locked in a brawl that threatened to spread to the rest of the crowd.

Internally, I was gaping in unabashed shock at the madness I'd just sparked. Externally, I maintained a neutral gaze before glancing down at the cackling snail on my shoulder. "I said 'distract', not 'let slip the dogs of war'-"

Soundbite's laughter redoubled, though judging by how nobody was looking our way he was keeping it restrained to us.

"- but I think I've proved my point." I looked Sanji and Zoro dead in the eye. "I know I can't fight, but I _can_ provide support. I could _possibly_ help from a distance with Soundbite's range..." I shook my head firmly. "But I don't want that. I am a Straw Hat Pirate, and _that-!"_ I jabbed a finger at the platform. "Is my captain. The future King of the Pirates, about to die where his predecessor did." I allowed a tinge of desperation to entered my expression. "This is my first chance to contribute to the crew. Don't take this from me. Please. Let. Me. Help."

Soundbite glanced at our crewmates for a second before nodding once, firmly and silently.

The rest of the crew were deathly silent as they stared at me in shock before slowly glancing at one another, something unspoken passing between them.

For a heart-stopping moment, I was afraid that they'd tell me to go. I'd do it if they pressed, of course. Logically speaking, I was perfectly aware that my presence here would do absolutely jack shit to change the outcome. Emotionally speaking... I knew that my speech was cheesy, but I'd meant every word of it. One week might not seem like a lot to most, but in all honesty a week with Luffy... I wanted to see this through, _needed to,_ however I could.

Finally, I felt a weight leave my chest as Zoro and Sanji nodded at me.

"Be ready to run," Sanji ordered.

I nodded in understanding before looking up at the platform. "Mind if I offer some advice?"

Zoro shrugged as he undid his bandanna and tied it over his head. "What?"

"Don't charge in right away. We're lucky, that guy looks and sounds like he loves the sound of his own voice. He'll keep monologuing for a while so long as he's not interrupted. Get as close as you can and charge him when it seems like he's winding up for the finale. I'll get Soundbite to start sowing chaos once the fighting starts."

Sanji and Zoro glanced at one another before shrugging and nodding.

"Sounds like a plan," Zoro grunted as he clicked his swords back into their sheathes.

Sanji pointed at Nami and Usopp. "You two are still going back, no debate."

Usopp swallowed heavily as he rebalanced the massive fish he was carrying. "No argument there!"

Nami looked at all of us before hefting her sack as well. "Get him out and then _get_ out. We need to get out to sea before the storm really hits."

I nodded at her firmly. "We will. And don't worry, I'll keep you up to date." I glanced between everyone, absently handing her the bag with the transponder snails. "We all know what to do. Let's grab our captain and get the heck off this rock."

And with that, we separated, Zoro and Sanji slipping into the crowd with _some_ degree of subtlety while Nami and Usopp pelted down the street towards the coast.

As for me, I slowly started to pace back and forth along the outside of the crowd, scanning it slowly as I kept track of the execution platform. Thankfully, my summary had been accurate: Buggy was living up the moment for all it was worth. In all honesty, I really had to wonder about what was going through his head when he came up with this plan. Executing Luffy was par for the course, what with him being a psychotic jackass and all... but doing it where his own _captain_ had died? I couldn't tell if he was tipping his hat to Luffy in some sick, twisted manner or if he had just blinded himself to the reality of his location.

Suddenly, I was snapped out of my musings as a flash of green caught my attention. My eyes zeroed in on the spot and scanned the crowd, searching for that color again. I knew it couldn't have been Zoro, his sense of direction was apoplectic but not _that_ bad, so that only really left one option, but there was no way in hell I was that-

It was at that point that I caught sight of the green-haired person I'd spied, as well as the heavy furred overcoat he was wearing.

Well... shit. This was a development, to be sure. So... what the hell do I _do_ with it? I mean, it wasn't like I could actually do any good at this point... could I? What if I wound up messing things up? What if I changed things irreparably? What...

I blinked as a thought struck me. So _what_ if I changed things? Luffy actually had something of a point in Sabaody: an adventures no good if you know every step of it to come. Might as well throw a _few_ wildcards into the mix.

And so, my mind made up, I walked up to the person and tapped him on the shoulder before pointing up at the execution scaffold. "Hell of a show, huh?"

Bartolomeo glanced at me with a slightly irritated look before, thankfully, shrugging my apparent impudence off in favor of watching the display. "The clown's a bit annoying, but yeah," he grunted with a tone of grudging respect. "Too bad the kid's gonna die. It takes some serious moxie to actually climb the scaffold in broad daylight. I should know, I've gotten locked up for it more than once."

I chuckled somewhat shakily as I glanced at the local mobster. "Oh, I wouldn't bet on him dying just yet. I'm pretty certain that he can get his way out of this _somehow."_

"Oh yeah?" Bartolomeo grunted, giving me a sidelong look. "You know him?"

I shrugged slightly. "My captain. He's a nice guy, if a bit empty-headed. I haven't been with the crew long, but I've heard enough to know that he's slipped out of some pretty impossible shit before. He'll live."

 _That_ prompted Bartolomeo irritated scowl to morph into open surprise. "Captain, huh? So that brat's really a pirate?"

"His blood's as salty as it comes, that's for sure."

"Hmph..." The mobster shrugged and looked up at the display, irritated scowl back in place. "Well, the kid's got _some_ guts, sure, but I really don't see what makes him so-!"

"HEY! LISTEN!"

Both Barto and I, not to mention the rest of the crowd, jumped in shock when Luffy's voice suddenly bellowed out.

"I AM THE MAN!" he roared, his voice full of confidence and determination. "WHO WILL BE KING OF THE PIRATES!"

My breath hitched as I felt the exact same wave of certainty, the same sense of _fact_ I'd felt the first time he'd said those words.

"H-holy crap..." Bartolomeo breathed in shock. "D-did he really just say that?! Here, now, in front of the whole freaking _world!?"_

I chuckled shakily as I nodded slowly in agreement. "Like you said, he's got guts."

Suddenly, I noticed there was some sort of commotion coming from a part of the crowd close to the scaffold. A quick glance at Soundbite showed that he was mouthing a bunch of words and sounds desperately.

Apparently Bartolomeo didn't notice this as he stared up at the top of the platform. "That's... he's not human. Where the _hell_ do you get the sheer balls to say something like that!?"

I allowed a grin to splay across my lips as I glanced at him. "I told you, didn't I? He's got salt in his veins. Those guts of his? They're the guts of a pirate, through and through."

Bartolomeo nodded slowly in agreement before tensing suddenly. "Well those guts are about to go all over the plaza!"

I followed his line of sight and set my spine ramrod straight when I caught sight of Buggy holding his sword high above Luffy's neck.

"No..." I breathed in numb horror. I knew that something or someone would save Luffy, be it Dragon or be it fate or be it pure luck, but... I couldn't help but feel that there was every chance that this was the one time, the one _possibility_ where Luffy... where Luffy...

"Please... Please don't let this be where it ends..." I begged under my breath. " _Please..._ "

" _Cross?"_ Soundbite suddenly put Nami's voice through. " _Cross, what's happening? Is Luffy safe?"_

I opened my mouth to say something, _anything..._

"ZORO!"

I jumped as Luffy roared.

"SANJI! NAMI! USOPP! CROSS! SOUNDBITE!"

I felt my heart stop as Luffy smiled openly and without remorse, not a care in the world as Buggy's sword came down on his neck.

"Sorry," he grinned. "But... I'm dead."

"NO!" Zoro's voice cried out.

"DON'T TALK CRAZY!" Sanji's voice demanded desperately.

" _LUFFY!"_ I screamed, my own voice mixing in seamlessly with Nami and Usopp's.

Suddenly, with legitimately _no_ warning whatsoever, the sky seemed to split open in a flash of light. Moments later, I was shaken to the core by a crack and a rumble loud enough that I was surprised that the island itself hadn't split open.

When I finally managed to get my wits about me, the platform was burning blue and starting to collapse.

" _Cross, what just happened!?"_

I jumped as Usopp's voice snapped me out of my awe. I fumbled desperately for a second before managing to answer. "I... ah... A... a bolt of lightning... it... The platform... It hit the platform! _Lightning hit the platform!"_

There was a moment of shocked silence before Usopp finally spoke. " _That's... that's less surprising than it should be..."_

" _And what about Luffy?!"_ Nami demanded. " _Is he alright!?"_

I opened my mouth to respond...

"Hey, I'm alive! That's nice!"

I let a relieved sigh whoosh out of me as Luffy spoke up. "He's alive..." I chuckled, relief flooding my body. "He's alive... he's _alive!"_

Nami and Usopp breathed sighs of relief.

" _Thank god..."_

" _I knew that idiot wouldn't die that easy... alright, grab him and get to the Merry as fast as you can! Let's get the heck out of Logue Town!"_

"I couldn't agree with you more!" I nodded in agreement. "See you soon, over and out!" Once Soundbite ended the connection, I looked over at Bartolomeo. The mobster was staring at where the scaffold had been standing mere moments ago, his jaw dropped as far open as it could go.

"See?" I grinned shakily as I patted him on the shoulder. "Told you he'd get out alive!"

However, before I could say anything further to him, a very familiar trio ran by us.

"SHAKE A LEG, CROSS!" Sanji ordered.

"WOO HOO! THEY'RE PISSED!" Luffy cackled madly.

I laughed at the sheer _insanity_ of the situation before throwing up a salute of farewell at Bartolomeo. "Happy trails, partner!" I laughed. And with that, I proceeded to take off down the road alongside my crewmates, pushing my body to keep up with them.

"Who was that you were talking to?" Zoro asked.

Before I could respond, Soundbite suddenly started crying out Bartolomeo's voice. " _Hey! Wait! Guy! Wait up!"_

"I can hear you, buddy, my snail wasn't just for show," I reassured him.

" _Y-you're with your captain, right? Straw Hat Luffy? C-can I talk to him?"_

I blinked in surprise before shrugging and proffering my snail to my captain. "It's for you."

Luffy looked at Soundbite in surprise. "Hello? Who're you?"

" _M-m-my name is Bartolomeo! S-Straw Hat Luffy! T-the reason you're so awesome, the reason you were able to smile at death... i-is it because you're a pirate?!"_

Luffy stared at the blubbering transponder snail for a moment before grinning widely. "Of course! After all, pirates are the free-est people on the sea! That means being able to go on incredible adventures and keep smiling no matter what happens! We're nothing _other_ than awesome!"

Soundbite sniffed and choked for a second in awe before finally speaking. " _S-so... if... if I became a p-p-pirate... c-could I be as awesome as you!?"_

Luffy's grin somehow widened even further as he nodded enthusiastically. "Definitely!"

Bartolomeo hesitated for a second, a mere _second_ before crying eagerly. " _T-then I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna get a ship! I'm gonna get a crew! I'm going out to the sea! To the Grand Line! I'm gonna become a pirate! One as great and awesome a-a-and_ incredible _as you are! I, BARTOLOMEO OF LOGUE TOWN, AM GONNA BE A PIRATE!"_

"Shishishi!" Luffy laughed. "Sounds awesome!"

"Don't just half-ass it though, you hear?" I cut in hastily. "Get a _real_ crew, get a _real_ ship! When you go out to sea, you do it with every intention of being the best pirate you can be! You hear me, Bartolomeo?"

" _Y-yeah, yeah, I hear you! I'll do it! I'll do it right! Wait for me, alright, Straw Hat Luffy? Wait for me! W-w-we're gonna meet again! We'll meet again..._ IN THE GRAND LINE!"

"Shishishi! Alright! Looking forward to it! Good luck, Barty!" Luffy chortled animatedly.

"Until we see you again, buddy!" I agreed. And with that, Soundbite cut the connection, his tears disappearing in favor of his usual smirk.

"Hey Luffy, sounds like you have a fan!" Sanji laughed.

"I know, right? That's so awesome!" Luffy snickered in agreement.

"What the heck did you say to him, anyways?" Zoro asked me.

I shrugged helplessly with a grin as I put Soundbite back on my shoulder, flipping my jacket's hood on as I finally noticed the rain pelting down on us. "Hell if I know! I was just confident that Luffy would get out of there! Must have been infectious, huh?"

Sanji tsked as he cast a grin at Luffy. "Yeah, his crazy is a bit infectious, isn't it?"

"Well, we're already lost causes!" I concurred. "Let's get back to the ship before this storm grounds us!"

"ENOUGH TALKING!" Luffy snickered as he somehow increased his pace. "JUST KEEP RUNNING!"

"Aye-aye, captain!" I agreed.

We kept running forwards with little-to-no sense of direction with marines nipping at our heels...

Until we happened to notice a woman standing in the road ahead of us, forcing us to come to a halt.

"Who is _this_ beauty?" Sanji asked eagerly, hearts evident in his eyes.

"Roronoa Zoro..." The woman growled darkly as she glared daggers at us. "You never told me you were a pirate! You lied to me, you bastard!"

Sanji's mood immediately flipped as he snarled at Zoro, seconds away from pounding him. "What the hell did you do to that girl, you moss-headed bastard!?"

"Sounds like _somebody_ was busy during shore-leave!" I snickered. Soundbite laughed as he wolf-whistled in agreement.

Zoro ignored us all as he stepped forwards, staring at Tashigi flatly. "You never asked me what my name was, so I never lied to you. It's as simple as that."

If the sergeant's enraged expression was anything to go by, she didn't even _remotely_ accept that answer, snarling as she drew her sword. "I'm going to take the Wado Ichimonji from you, and make sure it never falls into the hands of a pirate again!" And with that, she leapt forwards at us...

And was met blade-first by Zoro, who stared her down frigidly. "Go on ahead," he grunted.

"Okay!" Luffy nodded as he ran past.

"Good luck!" I waved as I followed the rubber man's lead.

" **FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!"** Soundbite crowed.

"If you hurt one hair on her head I'll kick your ass, mosshead!" Sanji raged as he just _barely_ managed to restrain himself and follow us.

"You think he'll be alright?" I asked Luffy as the sword-wielders fell out of sight.

"Of course!" Luffy grinned. "After all, it's Zoro!"

"Fair enough!" I conceded

And with that, we kept running for all we were worth. The rain was pouring down on us in buckets and the wind was almost like a corporeal wall it was so strong, but either way we kept going. Soon, I felt my heart soar as I caught sight of the harbor's arch. It was a sure thing now: we were going to make it!

Then I felt my gut drop as I caught sight of who was standing _beneath_ the arch. "Ah crap..." I groaned piteously.

"Great, now what!?" Sanji demanded.

"Straw Hat Luffy..." Captain Smoker growled as he glared at the three of us, forcing us to come to a halt. "I already told you you couldn't make it to the Grand Line without beating me, didn't I?"

Luffy blinked in confusion before grinning his usual stupid grin. "Oh yeah, I forgot!" he chuckled.

Smoker narrowed his eyes at us as he took a menacing step forwards. "You're really stupid, you know that?"

I chuckled miserably as I scratched the side of my head. "Tell me about it..."

Luffy's grin darkened with brutal eagerness as he reached up and clutched his hat. "Sanji, Cross, Soundbite. You guys go on ahead. I'll deal with this guy!"

However, before either of us could even think to either protest or agree, Smoker cut in. "What the hell makes you think I'll let _any_ of you get away!?" he demanded, his arms billowing out into pillars of smoke and grabbing Luffy and leaving him struggling in the air before he could react.

"Damn it!" Sanji cursed, dashing forwards and launching a kick at Smoker's face. "Bastard!"

Sadly, the kick whiffed straight through Smoker's head, causing him to glare at the cook imperiously. "I've got no time for small fry." That was all the warning Sanji received before he was pummeled into a building by a fist of smoke. "White Fist!"

"Grk! Sanji!" Luffy howled, ripping an arm free and launching it at Smoker. "Take this! Gum Gum Pistol!"

Smoker dissipated around the blow, coalescing behind Luffy with a hand on his head moments later. " _You're_ worth 30 million beri?" he scoffed. Before Luffy could react, he was slammed face-first into the pavement, with Smoker sitting cross-legged on his back.

"You're barely even worth _one,"_ the Captain growled as he started to reach for the jutte on his back. "Your luck's run out, kid."

"Oh, I don't know..."

Smoker froze as I pressed my baton's length against the underside of his throat, casting a shaky grin at him. "He seems like he's still a pretty damn lucky bastard to me."

Smoker turned a murderous glare on me, causing me to almost lose my grip on my weapon. "Do you really think that this will stop me?" he intoned darkly.

I shrugged ever so slightly as I tilted my head at Soundbite. "Depends. Do you think you're fast enough to dodge a blast of pure sound, capable of vaporizing stone?"

Soundbite snickered in agreement, his teeth bared in a menacing smirk.

I was, of course, _completely_ bluffing my ass off, but hey, he didn't know that. Besides, people can dream!

Smoker switched tracks instantly. "You lied to me," he stated. "You said that none of your crew was wanted."

"In my defense, I've never really seen his wanted poster," I retorted, glancing down at Luffy. "You're worth 30 million, captain? That's pretty awesome!"

"Th'nks!" Luffy muttered out around the stone.

"Shut up!" Smoker snarled downwards before glaring at me. "This? _This_ is who you're pinning everything on? You're pinning your hopes and dreams on this... this _kid?"_

"That 'kid'," I shot back. "As you call him, was just saved by a legitimate _miracle._ He is incredible and I... I believe in his dream, I believe in it every step of the way. He is going to go on and do _awe-inspiring_ things... and if it means getting to see those things, being able to march with him, step by step, every inch of the way?" I didn't even hesitate as I grinned as widely as I could. "Then yeah. Yeah, I'll bet it all on him. Because I genuinely _believe_ in Monkey D. Luffy becoming King of the Pirates. And nothing you or _anyone_ in the whole wide world says will convince me otherwise."

"Awww, th'nks Cross!" Luffy mumbled out.

"Any time, Captain!" I nodded firmly.

Smoker's response was more terrifying than heartwarming, as he narrowed his eyes and reached up to clutch the handle of his jutte. "You bet wrong, kid. This is the end of the line. For the both of you!"

"Actually..."

The world seemed to freeze as a hand came out of nowhere, grabbing the handle as well.

I could _literally_ hear my heartbeat as I stared up at the legitimately massive cloaked figure that hadn't been standing behind Smoker a moment ago, taking in his familiar grin and tattoo with awe. I idly noted the nigh imperceptible ' _eeeeeee'_ noise that Soundbite was making.

"I believe it's only just starting," Monkey D. Dragon stated with all the calm of an impending storm.

"Holy crap..." I breathed.

"Hey! Wh't's going on!?" Luffy struggled under Smoker's grip. "Wh's that!?"

"You..." Smoker growled up at the Revolutionary, his cold sweat mixing in with the rain. "The World Government's after your head..."

Dragon's grin only seemed to widen in response. "The world is still waiting for our answer..."

Before anyone could think to respond, the world seemed to go green and the wind went from howling to _roaring,_ bellowing in rage and fury as it tore at the world around us and sent the world into chaos. I barely managed to identify the screaming I heard as my own a second later.

When it finally died down, I was laying on my ass, in the harbor, my head spinning as I tried to clamber to my feet. "Soundbite...?" I groaned, pushing myself to my feet..

"SPIN _**cycle**_ _SUCKS!"_ he spat out from inside his shell, which was thankfully still clutching my shoulder.

"Hey, Cross!" Usopp cried as he grabbed my other shoulder and shook me slightly. "You alright?"

I gave the sniper a shaky grin. "Bruised and battered, but I think I'll live." I frowned as a thought struck me. "But where's the Merry?!"

Usopp groaned as he pointed out to sea, where I could see a sail bobbing halfway to the horizon. "Out there. I don't know _how_ we'll reach it now..."

"I do!" Luffy's voice rang out. "Brace yourselves, guys! Gum-Gum!"

I tensed as I remembered where _this_ was undoubtedly going. "This is gonna suck..." I groaned.

"ROCKET!"

I _think_ I might have blacked out for a moment, because the next thing I knew I was laying on the Merry's deck alongside the rest of the male portion of the crew, groaning in pain on account of my body feeling like somebody had taken a baseball bat to it.

"Oooowww..." I whined.

"Well, that was fun..." Zoro concurred wtih a wheeze of pain.

"Hey, Cross..." Sanji managed to bite out. "Did you manage to see what did all this?"

Soundbite and I opened our mouths... then glanced at one another and promptly snapped them shut. "Sanji..." I breathed. "You wouldn't believe me even if I told you."

" _Eeeeeyup!"_ Soundbite nodded in agreement.

"You're here!" Nami laughed in relief as she helped us up. "Come on, we need to get moving! We've got a tailwind, we need to get out of here before the Marines manage to catch up to us!"

And with that, we scrambled to man the lines, working the whipstaff and sails furiously in order to fight against the elements and force them to work in _our_ favor. It was _not_ a fun time, what with us coming within feet of capsizing and taking a final dip, but we eventually managed to stabilize things.

Finally, Nami called out to us all. "Hey, look! There's a light!"

And indeed there was: a tower of stone with a light flashing on top, defying the darkness of the storm.

"Is that a lighthouse?!" Usopp asked in confusion as he clutched the mast.

Nami grinned and nodded. "Yeah... the guiding light... It's one of the markers... beyond that light... Is the entrance to the Grand Line! So!" She smiled at us all eagerly, seemingly drunk on the moment. "What's it gonna be?"

Usopp whimpered miserably as he held on to the Merry for dear life. "Do we have to do this in the middle of a storm!?"

"Aw, c'mon, Usopp!" I teased, my hands firmly clutching the Merry's rigging. "Where's your sense of adventure!?"

"I think it fell overboard and drowned a mile back!"

" _SCAREDY_ **CAT!"**

"OH QUIET, YOU!"

Nevertheless, we all smiled eagerly at Nami and nodded, ready to take the next leg on our journey.

"Okay! I say we do something to mark the occasion!" Sanji nodded in determination, lugging a barrel out of the Merry's storeroom and setting it up on deck.

Usopp eyed the skies nervously before swallowing his fear and nodding in agreement. "R-right!"

"I'm in!" Luffy whooped.

"Let's do it!" Nami concurred.

Zoro didn't say anything, but his grin was answer enough.

"Hell yes!" I couldn't help but laugh.

" _WOOHOO!"_ Soundbite hollered.

And so, Sanji raised his leg and placed it on top of the barrel. "I'm going to the Grand Line... to find the All Blue!" He announced.

"I'm going to be King of the Pirates!"

"I'm going to be the world's best swordsman!"

"I'll draw a map of the world!"

"I-I-I'm going to become... A BRAVE WARRIOR OF THE SEAS!"

I hesitated as my turn came up. At this moment... I wondered. Did I truly deserve to be here? In front of all these incredible people, in front of all their incredible dreams, I had to wonder... was I truly worthy? Could I do it?"

In the end... I could only come up with one suitable answer.

 _Hell yes._

I raised my foot and landed it on the barrel with finality. "I'm going to travel the seas!" I declared firmly. "And I'm going to see everything this cruel, crazy, _beautiful_ world has to offer!"

" **DITTO!"** Soundbite roared in agreement.

We stared at the barrel for a moment as we took it all in. Six people and one snail, each with our own dreams, our own capabilities... about to take on the _world._ In a word, it was... _awe-inspiring_

Finally, Luffy grinned and raised his leg high, prompting us all to follow along. "And now!" he announced. "TO THE GRAND LINE!"

We brought our feet down on the barrel in the middle of a crack of thunder.

And so... our journey well and truly began.


	5. Chapter 5 - Reverse Mountain Pt 1

**Chapter 5**

As poetic as our start towards as the official start of our adventure was, the reality was far less pleasant. We were, after all, setting out in the middle of a hurricane-grade storm. Still, at least we had a lighthouse to guide us...

"AH! NAMI! THE LIGHT'S GONE!"

For about two seconds, anyways.

"It's a lighthouse, Luffy!" I called up to my Captain as he hung from Merry's neck, fighting with the Merry's lines all the while. Why he _insisted_ on putting himself in the most precarious of positions over the _goddamn ocean_ when he couldn't swim was beyond me, but I'd grown _more_ than used to it in the little time I'd known him. "They can't keep it going all the time, especially not in this kind of weather."

"Don't worry," Nami reassured him as she stepped up onto the prow, glancing at the map she was holding as she tried to perceive something, anything through the deluge. "That's why I'm here, isn't it? I can get us into the Grand Line, guaranteed."

"If you can find your way through _this_ , then I'd say you're more witch than expert!" I offered, only half-joking.

"Har har, very funny."

"Shishishi! You're really impressive, you know that?" Luffy asked as he twisted himself around to smirk up at Nami.

"Yeah, yeah," the navigator rolled her eyes. "Now would you _please_ get down from there before you fall in?"

"I'm not gonna give up my special seat."

I couldn't help but laugh at his matter-of-fact tone. "I wouldn't sit there even if you paid me! I'm wet enough as is, I don't want to fall into the ocean on top of that."

"Scaredy cat!" Luffy stuck his tongue out at me.

" **Buck buck buck-** _ **AWK!"**_ Soundbite clucked out with a sneer.

"Do _you_ want to go in instead?" I asked sardonically as I glanced at the snail. He promptly squawked and snapped back inside his shell. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"Do it anyways! We can use him as bait!" Usopp called from the other side of the deck.

"I'll take that into consideration."

" _TRAITOR!"_

"Alright, alright, enough fun and games," Nami rolled her eyes with a smirk before turning serious. "Cross would you mind-?"

I nodded in understanding and tapped Soundbite's shell before pointing at Nami. "Amp."

Soundbite popped an eye out of his shell before letting out a whine.

"You're live."

" **Everyone meet me in the cabin,"** Nami's voice rang out. " **We need to talk about what's coming up next."**

Hastily complying, we all tied up our lines and followed Nami into the kitchen, where she spread her map open over the table.

"Now, I know this sounds crazy-" she started.

"Uh, Nami?" I hastily interrupted, reaching out and pinching Luffy's cheek in order to stretch it out. "There is a rubber man and a sound snail on board and a _smoke man_ tried to stop us from leaving Loguetown not more than an hour ago. I _think_ we passed 'crazy' a long time ago."

Nami considered this for a moment before indicating the center of her map. "Even if I tell you that the only way into the Grand Line is by sailing up a _mountain?"_

"Reverse Mountain, right," I nodded in confirmation.

The rest of the crew looked at me in shock.

"Wait, what!?" Usopp squawked in disbelief. "Sailing up a _mountain!?_ Y-y-you can't be serious!"

"Oh no, I'm deadly serious," I shook my head firmly. "Reverse Mountain is pretty much the only means of entering the Grand Line open to the public." I looked at Nami. "May I?"

She shrugged indifferently. "If you know anything about it, feel free."

"Right then..." I walked over to the table and looked over the map before pointing out the design that occupied the center. "Alright, this here is Reverse Mountain. See these lines that cross over it?"

Sanji gnawed on his cigarette contemplatively as he looked the relatively ancient map over. "Yeah... What are those?"

"Canals." I held up a hand to stave off any oncoming protests. "I know it sounds nuts, but those _are_ canals, running up the _entire_ length of the mountain, past the clouds and down into the Grand Line. No clue who built them, how, when or why, but they exist alright."

"N-n-no way..." Usopp stammered, his eyes wide in disbelief. "Sailing up a mountain!? T-t-that's impossible!"

"Hey!" Sanji slapped the back of Usopp's head. "If Nami says that's how we get in, then that's how we get in, it's as simple as that! And... well, Cross is pretty smart too, I guess."

"Awww, thanks, Sanji!"

"Don't press your luck, snail mail."

" _Tsun_ **DE-!"**

"Don't even _think_ about it, dumbass." I firmly slapped a hand down on Soundbite's shell with a glare.

"It sounds like it could be fun!" Luffy grinned eagerly.

"Don't get your hopes up, Luffy," Zoro warned cynically. "Nami, you stole this map from Buggy, are you sure that it's reliable?"

"I can guarantee it," I volunteered. "It's not surprising that map is so valuable: it's eerily accurate. The marines would probably _love_ to get their hands on it, so as to better control any info on the Grand Line."

"And how do you know so much anyways?" Zoro asked with a tinge of suspicion

I swallowed slightly at the attention before rallying. "No offense to the East Blue, but it _is_ called the weakest of the Blues, and this is one of the reasons why," I answered with a shrug. "Florida is on the Red Line, so we border the North Blue as well as the East. Info on the Grand Line is more... thorough there." I frowned in thought. "Well, general information, anyways. The Grand Line has a reputation for being a bit… active. Who _knows_ how accurate some of my info really is."

Usopp shuddered heavily as he processed the implications of that statement. "W-w-wait, y-you mean-?!"

"Yeeeaaaah..." I barely repressed an evil grin as I pointed out several spots on the map past the Grand Line. "There should be islands here, here, here, aaaand here. At least, from what I remember at any rate. Geography: such a... _feeble_ aspect of the Grand Line."

The sniper choked out a terrified sob as he sank to his knees. "What kind of a place are we headed into!?" he demanded helplessly.

I really _did_ grin malevolently as I loomed over him. " _Hell."_

" **Oooo-eeee-oooo!"** Soundbite snickered as he mimicked a theremin.

Sanji delivered a slow clap as he observed our antics. "Very funny you two. Now lay off him before he has a heart attack, would you?"

I chuckled as I raised my hands in surrender. "Fair enough, fair enough. Sorry about that."

"Anyways..." Zoro pressed on with a sigh. "Even with how crazy the world already is, what you're saying is pretty out there. Couldn't we just, I don't know, sail right into the Grand Line or something? Looks like the ocean is pretty clear to me."

"NO WAY!" Luffy and Nami bellowed simultaneously.

"What they said," I concurred, pointing at the pair.

"It'd be totally wrong if we didn't start our adventure properly!" Luffy continued with a determined nod.

"That, not so much."

"Listen," Nami crossed her arms firmly. "It's not so easy as you make it out. There's a reason that not just anyone can get into the Grand Line, after all."

" **One does not simply** _sail_ **into** _THE GRAND LINE!"_ Soundbite nodded in agreement.

"Oh yeah?" Sanji cocked an eyebrow in curiosity. "How come?"

I opened my mouth to respond... then paused as I became aware of something.

Or rather... a _lack_ of something.

I swallowed heavily before grinning morbidly. "How about I _show you?"_

"Huh?"

I spread my arms wide. "Notice anything... _missing_ from this picture?"

The crew stared at me in confusion... until Soundbite got the hint and started whistling like the wind. Literally.

"Huh, now that you mention it you're right, the rain's stopped," Usopp said as he glanced out one of the portholes.

"It's _what!?"_ Nami squawked, staring outside in horror. "No way! We should have been in that storm all the way to the entrance of the canal!"

"And yet, take a look." I pushed the kitchen's door open and gestured. "Not a cloud in the sky."

"Wooooah!" Luffy breathed in awe as he jumped onto the deck, looking around eagerly. "The weather's suddenly great! That's so cool!"

"Yeah..." Sanji muttered as he walked out and looked back past the aft of the ship. "But I can still see the storm back there. What gives?"

"Ooooh, nothing much," I shrugged with a sigh. "Just nature's ultimate middle finger to all inter-Blue travel."

"THIS ISN'T THE TIME TO SPEAK PRETTY, DUMBASS!" Nami shrieked in terror. "IF YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE, THEN YOU KNOW WHY NEED TO START ROWING OUR WAY OUT OF HERE _RIGHT GODDAMN NOW!"_

"Huh?" Luffy looked at me in confusion. "How come? Where are we?"

"The Calm Belts," I explained with a wide grin. "They're the twin seas that border each half of the Grand Line on either side. No winds blow and barely any currents flow, and of those just about none go all the way through. Think doldrums, only on a _global_ scale."

"So it's calm seas all the way?" Zoro asked. "Doesn't that mean we could just row through?"

"HELL NO!"

"Nami's right, it's not that simple," I nodded in agreement. "After all, as I said, they're _seas._ It'd take weeks, hell, maybe even _months_ to row our way through. With seven of us on board, we'd almost certainly die of dehydration before we made it through. Besides that, I wouldn't put it past the seas to toss one or two tsunamis at us, which we wouldn't have a chance of outrunning. _Then_ there's the fact that the Calm Belts are the hunting grounds of one of the Seven Warlords of the Sea, the Pirate Empress Boa Hancock, who would most _definitely_ kill us all in about ten seconds flat."

The majority of the crew was staring at me in unmitigated horror, while Luffy was grinning at me as though I'd just caused Christmas to come early.

"And none of those are even the _popular_ reason why nobody comes through here."

"And that reason would be?" Usopp asked nervously, obviously dreading the answer.

Nami made to answer... just as the ship suddenly _lurched._

"What the heck-!?" Sanji spat.

Soundbite shivered on my shoulder, his eyes swiveling furiously. " _ **They're he~ere..."**_ he sang morbidly.

And just like that, in less than a second, for the first time in her life, the Going Merry _flew,_ sailing high into the sky before coming to a sudden halt and flinging us off our feet.

"Ouch..." I moaned, wincing as my bruises from Luffy getting us back onboard the Merry flared up. "That wasn't pleasant..."

"What was that?" Zoro groaned.

"The popular reason..." Nami whimpered pitifully as she hugged the mast desperately.

Usopp made to ask what she meant… and promptly keeled backwards, foaming at the mouth as the shadow of a titanic head covered us all.

"It's filled… with Sea Kings…" Our navigator sobbed with a hopeless smile.

"Yeah..." I chuckled helplessly, staggering to my feet and glancing over Merry's side at the expanse of black and white skin that lay below us, my blood roaring in my ears as my gut started to boil. "It's their natural breeding ground, actually. Ironic, ain't it? Most dangerous monsters in the world besides humans, and they live in the most _peaceful_ part of it."

"Yeah yeah yeah..." Zoro huffed hurriedly, dragging the ship's oars out of the stockroom and handing them to Sanji and Luffy. "Alright, listen up: when these guys go under, we row like hell for the storm, got it?"

"Yeah!" Luffy nodded in agreement. "We're going into the Grand Line the right way!"

"THAT'S NOT THE REASON WHY, DUMB- _WAGH!"_ Nami was cut off as the Merry suddenly heaved. "W-what the-!?"

Soundbite blinked in confusion for a second before squeaking and snapping back into his shell. " _Gesundheit!"_

I bit out a curse as I shoved Soundbite into my jacket before running to the Merry's rigging and wrapping one of the rope ladders around my arm. "HOLD ONTO YOUR _EVERYTHING!"_

And just like that, I experienced one of the most violent sneezes I'd ever felt in my life and things went straight to hell.

The next few minutes were a blur of motion, screaming, flailing, and enough rope burn to skin my arm down to the muscle.

When all was said and done, I found the sting of the rain and seawater sloshing into my open wounds a _relief_ when compared to the idea of going face to face with that horde of monsters again.

"Oh thank _god_ it's just a storm..." Usopp wheezed.

"That... wasn't all that fun..." Luffy - Luffy, of _all_ people - admitted, if somewhat reluctantly.

"Anyone _else_ feel like going in the hard way?" Nami asked darkly.

" _ **EEEEENOPE!"**_ Soundbite bellowed from within his jacket.

"If I never move again it'll be too soon..." Sanji groaned.

I made to respond, but winced as Nami let out a shuddering groan as she suddenly lurched hard to port. "You and me both, but that's not an option at the moment. Either we move or these crazy currents capsize us!"

The male members of the crew groaned in despair, while Nami suddenly shot up with a gasp of realization. "That's it!"

"The hell are you talking about, woman?" Zoro demanded tiredly.

"The currents! _That_ must be how the canals work!" Nami shot to her feet and started pacing furiously in thought, somehow managing to stay standing despite how wildly the deck was swaying. "It sounds crazy, but... if sea currents flowed at the mountain strong enough, then the water would flow up the mountain before coursing down into the Grand Line, like a fountain! There's no doubt we're already on the current, so we just need to do is steer our way in!" She then bit her thumb fearfully as a realization hit her. "But that also mean that things are that much more dangerous. Reverse Mountain is a Winter Island, so when the current hits the Red Line, it sinks back down into the sea. If we crash, we'll be dragged under for sure."

"Ah!" Luffy nodded in what I _highly_ doubted was understanding. "So it's a mystery mountain!" Nailed it.

"Eh, it's not that hard to understand!" I cut in, holding myself up against Merry's railing. "The Red Line is a chain of mountainous islands all linked together that run around the world, each with their own year-round seasonal climate. Florida was a Summer Island through and through, so

I'm used to the heat."

"Ooooh! So they're mystery _islands!_ Got it!"

I shrugged at Nami helplessly. "I tried."

"Hmph..." Zoro shook his head with a grunt. "Never heard of anyone sailing over a mountain before..."

"I might have," Sanji shot back with a grin.

"About this mountain?"

"No, the Grand Line," Sanji's smirk widened visibly. "They say you need to be half-dead before you can get in."

"Are you _kidding_ me!?" Usopp demanded helplessly.

"Hey, what were you expecting, a red carpet?" I laughed as I patted Usopp's back sympathetically. "Nothing worth doing is easy to do, which means this is _really_ gonna be worth it, right?"

The long-nosed sniper shot me a dark glare. "I _vehemently_ question your logic."

" _NYEH!"_ Soundbite poked his head out of my jacket in order to stick his tongue out at Usopp.

"YOU LITTLE-!"

"HEY! I CAN SEE THE MYSTERY ISLAND-MOUNTAIN!" Luffy suddenly bellowed, jabbing a finger out into the storm.

We all turned to see what he was indicating... and promptly fell silent.

It was... monolithic was a word, but it didn't even begin to do the Red Line justice. It was as though the horizon had just... _become_ stone. I craned my neck back, staring up in an attempt to catch sight of the top of the Line. Some part of my memory logically told me that it was an exercise in futile, but I... I _had_ to try, some _other_ part of my mind stubbornly refusing to accept the idea that something as stupidly _massive_ as this... this geological _monstrosity_ was physically capable, in this world or any other.

But no, there it was, staring me straight in the face and defying everything I knew to be fact.

And, I realized with a start, coming closer each and every second.

"Guys?" I croaked numbly.

Luffy successfully proved that the apocalypse was fast approaching by being the first to realize what I was getting at. "WE'RE GETTING SUCKED IN!" he whooped euphorically. "SANJI! USOPP! STEER US IN!"

Shocked out of their stupor, the two promptly scrambled into the kitchen and grabbed the whipstaff. "ON IT!" They chorused.

As we came closer and closer, we managed to catch sight of a crack in the mountain. Nami dug a pair of binoculars out of her coat and stared through them for a second before fumbling and almost dropping them in shock. "Holy crap..." she squeaked.

"What is it?" Zoro asked her.

She handed the binoculars to him without a word. He looked through them as well and promptly clenched in shock. "That's... I can't believe it..."

I laughed hoarsely as it finally came into sight: what had to be thousands upon thousands of gallons of water pouring _up_ the mountain, passing beneath ten _impossible_ stone arches. The sight was so insane, so terrifying, so... so...

 _Beautiful._

It was _breathtaking._ An awe-inspiring sight that flipped every switch I had and threw my being into overdrive. My whole body felt like it was in danger of boiling over at any moment.

"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio!" I couldn't help but quote with an ear-to-ear grin.

Zoro ground his teeth as he stared at the fast-approaching gate. "Damn pretty words. Won't mean much if we die, though."

"We're a little off!" Luffy noted with a tinge of panic. "We need to be more to the right!"

Acting fast, I yanked Soundbite out of my coat and slammed him on to my shoulder, a whine flaring up over the howl of the wind. " **HARD TO STARBOARD!"**

"Right!"

"On it!"

For a moment, we heard them struggling to keep the Merry's rudder under control...

 _SNAP!_

Until the sound of wood snapping in two like a dry twig rang out over the deck.

We all turned and stared at the whipstaff's destruction for a moment before a shudder beneath our feet brought us all back to our senses.

" _THE WHIPSTAFF!"_ Nami shrieked in terror.

I froze for a moment as I noticed the fact that we were heading _straight_ for one of the arches.

"Luuu _ffyyy!?"_ I asked nervously.

"I'm on it!" Luffy roared as he rushed past me. I barely had time to process the blur of yellow heading at me before I managed to force myself into action and grab Luffy's hat before it could fly away.

"GUM-GUM!" Luffy jumped over the edge of the Merry, interposing himself between the arch and our ship before inflating to unrealistic proportions. "BALLOON!"

For a heart-pounding moment, Luffy was squeezed against the arch, the Merry staying in place... until we finally slipped past, flying up the canal so fast we might as well be on a roller-coaster.

There was just one problem.

"LUFFY!" I yelled, watching as our captain started to drop into the sea.

"GRAB ON!" Zoro bellowed desperately, holding an arm out to him.

Nothing... nothing...

Luffy's hand grabbed Zoro's in an instant, clutching it for dear life. One hard tug later and our captain was tumbling onto the deck, laughing his ass off.

I sighed in relief as I slammed Luffy's hat back on his head. "NEVER DO THAT AGAIN, DUMBASS!" I shouted through my smile.

" **DUMBASS, DUMBASS!"** Soundbite parroted eagerly.

Luffy's response was to laugh even harder, and he wasn't the only one. All around me, the crew was celebrating. Usopp and Sanji were dancing, Nami was whooping joyously, Zoro had cracked a grin...

And me?

In the past ten minutes, I had come _inches_ from death, be it by storm, by Sea King or by crazy, convoluted currents. I was officially in over my head, miles out of my element...

"Pfff..." I snorted, my whole body shaking for a moment until I finally threw my head back and howled with laughter. "PFFHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

 _And I was loving every second of it._

Cackling like a madman, I leapt up onto the Merry's railing, wrapped my arm around the rigging, and hung myself out over the abyss.

The wind tugged at my body, trying to wrench me free, the sea roared and howled mere feet below me, and I felt more alive than I'd ever imagined I could.

It was stupid, it was insane _and I was laughing the whole time._

"HAHAHA!" I laughed at the top of my lungs. "WE'RE IN! _WE'RE IN!"_

" _ **BANZAI! BANZAI!"**_ Soundbite guffawed in agreement as he held on for dear life.

A second later, Nami suddenly shouted and pointed ahead. "Look!" she exclaimed with a massive grin. "We're going through the clouds!"

And so we were: Further in and further up the mountain, piercing through the roof of the heavens until at last we broke through and came within sight of the peak, the very roof of the world.

It was... indescribable. The waters of four oceans, the world itself, colliding into a singular point, foam spraying up and dissipating into mist before it all rumbled down a singular channel.

Within moments, we were on it: the Merry jumped and, for a brief moment, she flew once more, the force of the water spinning her around to face the only possible way out.

As we started to fall, I looked over my shoulder and stared into the clouds that obscured the mountainside. For a brief moment, I imagined that I could see it, that I could just catch a _glimpse_ of it. The throne of the King of the Pirates, the final destination, the promised island.

Raftel.

I swallowed heavily as a massive grin split my face. ' _There's the finish line...'_

"I CAN SEE IT!" Luffy cheered. "THE GRAND LINE!"

I snapped my head around as the Merry hit the downward-flowing channel, and I saw what he saw. A lot of it was obscured in clouds, but it was there, there was no denying it: a field of blue that married the horizon, roiling and churning and roaring in welcome.

My grin widened even further. ' _And there's the start.'_

As we fell down the mountainside, picking up speed, I couldn't help but feel I was forgetting something. But at this point, I officially couldn't care less, and didn't even _try_ to restrain my reaction as we soared down the world's largest waterslide.

"HAHAHA!" I barked wildly, hanging over the edge of the abyss. "THIS IS AWESOME! I LOVE YOU GUYS! I LOVE YOU ALL SO FREAKING MUCH!"


	6. Chapter 6 - Reverse Mountain Pt 2

**Chapter 6**

" _...oooohhh..."_

I blinked as a faint warbling sound rippled through the air, jerking me out of my laughter. "The heck...?"

"You heard it too?" Zoro called up to me.

"Good chance of it being the wind," Nami shrugged indifferently. "The rock formations around here _are_ pretty unusual."

"I'm not so sure about that..." I frowned slightly, wracking my brain. That noise was... familiar... where had I...? "Soundbite, could you-?"

Soundbite mimicked a rewinding cassette for a second before finally...

" _...wwwooooh..."_

I cocked an eyebrow at the replay. "That... was a _lot_ clearer than I remember."

Soundbite's skin became a shade of gray more ashen than his usual gunmetal as the blood drained from his face. "THAT _wasn't_ **ME!"** he yelped.

I snapped my eyes to the snail in disbelief. "Ex _cuse_ me!?"

" _...wwwooooOOOOHHH..."_

I shuddered as the sound came again, this time a full factor louder. That was really, really, _really_ familiar...

"Hey!" Usopp called down from where he was hanging onto the mainmast's yardarm, pulling down one of the lenses of his goggles in curiosity. "I think there's something up ahead!"

"Yeah!" Sanji concurred, pointing at the mists dead ahead of us. "It looks like a mountain!"

"Huh?" Nami blinked in confusion. "That can't be right, all that's supposed to be past here is the Twin Capes!"

"Then what the hell do you call that!?" Zoro demanded, pointing at the dark silhouette that was starting to come into view, almost as large as the Red Line itself.

"What the hell!?" Nami blurted in disbelief. "But... that chart was _accurate!_ There _aren't_ any mountains here!"

I narrowed my eyes at the silhouette as I tried to connect the dots. Massive form, smack dab where there should be nothing of the sort. And that noise... I knew that noise, I know I'd heard that noise before. Now if only I could remember _what_ that noise-

" _BWWWWOO_ OOOOOHHHH!"

...Aaaaah _Sea King shite._

"That's no mountain," I whispered numbly.

The crew looked at me in confusion for a second...

"BWWWO **OOOHHHH!"**

" **THAR SHE BLOWS!"** Soundbite cried out.

Before snapping their heads around at the newest reiteration of the noise, the mist finally parting just enough to give us a clear view of what was in our way.

And what a _what_ he was.

"HOLY CRAP, THAT'S A WHALE!" Usopp shrieked in terror.

' _No,'_ I couldn't help but mentally correct Usopp as I stare up at the entity towering before us. ' _That's no whale.'_

And indeed he wasn't. Or at least, he wasn't _just_ a whale. Oda did his best, but he didn't _really_ do Laboon justice. Not his fault, really. It was hard to truly render such a beast with mere pen and paper. He was... I suppose _titan_ would be the most apt word. A massive, dominating form of flesh and blood wrapped in pitch-black skin. He was almost as big as some of the largest creatures we'd seen on the fringes of the Calm Belt, and I was _beyond_ certain that he could - would, judging by the building-sized teeth I could _just_ spy poking out of the corners of his mouth - have eaten some of the smaller ones I'd seen.

To put it simply, Laboon was... well, he was glorious.

He was also going to crush us with his gargantuan frame without moving so much as a muscle.

As we rushed towards the literally _killer_ whale, my crewmates panicking wildly around me, I found myself falling back onto the option my mind found most logical at the moment.

"Pfff..."

I laughed.

"PFFHAHAHA!" I guffawed, barely managing to support myself on the Merry's railing as laugh after laugh after laugh bubbled up and out of my bubbling stomach.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT, DUMBASS!?" Nami shrieked as she grabbed me by my collar.

I froze momentarily as the question hit me. Now that I thought about it... why _was_ I laughing? I mean, after all, there was nothing funny about our situation! We were hurtling towards death at speeds almost guaranteed to break every bone in our bodies! This wasn't humorous, this was dangerous! This was fatal! This was abso-freaking-lutely _exhilira-!_... Oooooohhhh...

I plastered a shaky grin on my face as I chuckled nervously. "Ahh... would this be a bad time to inform you that I think I just figured out that I'm an adrenaline junky?"

" _WHAT!?"_

Before I could respond, a massive _BOOM_ shook the ship before we were jerked to a slower pace, throwing us all off our feet.

Nami blinked in confusion as she tried to get her limbs beneath herself. "What the hell was that!?"

Soundbite's eyes twisted around for a second before locking dead ahead. " _Dumbass!"_ he spat out in Nami's voice.

Nami and I followed Soundbite's line of sight... and promptly noticed the trail of smoke wafting upwards.

"THE CANNON!" my crewmates shrieked in horror.

I, however, was more focused on the fact that _Laboon was still coming closer and closer!_

"Yeah!" Luffy called out from beneath the forecastle. "Did it work? Did we stop?"

"Not quite!" I barked out, leaping up and wrapping the rigging around my arm again.

" _BRACE FOR IMPACT!"_ Soundbite hollered.

A second later, we thumped against Laboon's hide. Thankfully, the majority of the impact to the ship was negligible.

 _CRACK!_

I winced as Merry's head was snapped not-very-cleanly from her neck. That... not so much.

"This is bad..." Nami whimpered as she held onto Merry's railing for dear life, her eyes halfway devoid of life. "Am I dead?"

"Nooot yet..."

"AAAH! MY SPECIAL SEAT!"

I winced as Luffy's voice bellowed out, filled with equal parts horror and fury. "Give it a minute, though, I'm sure you won't have to wait long."

"We're not waiting, period!"

"OOMPH!" I wheezed as Zoro tossed one of Merry's oars at me, with Usopp quickly helping me pick it up.

"Come on!" he ordered as Sanji helped him lower the other oar into the water. "Let's get out of here before that thing reacts!"

"Seriously!" Usopp yelped as he jerked the oar into motion alongside me. "Is this thing so big that it didn't notice a freaking _cannon_ firing into it or is it just slow!?"

"I think it's more the former than the latter!" I grunted as I alternated between pushing and pulling the wooden stick. "After all, from my experience? The intelligence of animals can seriously surprise you at times!"

" **REPRESENT!"** Soundbite nodded firmly.

"After all, you'd expect a snail that can speak to have at least _half_ a braincell..."

" _OI!"_

"HEY! LISTEN UP!"

We all froze as Luffy's voice bellowed out.

Apparently Laboon noticed as well, if the way his body sunk down into the water _just_ enough so that his gargantuan eye could loom over us.

Nami swallowed heavily as she eyed our captain nervously. "Luffy..." she attempted to placate him desperately. "I realize you might be angry, but that thing's a _million_ times your weight. Whatever you do, _don't_ do anything stupid-!"

"BASTARD!" Luffy hollered, snapping his arm out and _punching_ square into the center of Laboon's cornea.

" _LIKE THAT, YOU MORON!"_ the rest of the crew shrieked.

"You can't _seriously_ be surprised by this..." I sighed with a weary grin.

If I had to guess, though, Laboon almost certainly was if the way his pupil jerked down to stare dead at us was anything to go by.

"He's noticed us..." Nami choked out.

"AND I'LL MAKE HIM NOTICE US EVEN MORE!" Luffy roared.

"SHUT UP, DUMBASS!" Zoro and Usopp ordered as they tackled him and started doing their utmost best to keep him quiet.

I made to say something... and froze as I caught sight of Laboon twitching slightly. "I think that might be too little too late!"

" **BWWWOOOOHHHH!"**

As if to prove me right, Laboon suddenly _moved,_ his mass shifting far faster than anything even half his size had a right to move as he twisted his head around and snapped his mouth open, allowing a veritable waterfall-worth of water to cascade down his throat.

I cursed as the Merry suddenly jerked forwards. Correction, a waterfall-worth of water and _us!_

"Hold onto something!" I cried, one hand clutching Soundbite to my chest while my other twisted itself into the rigging as tight as it could go.

" _WAAAAH!"_ Luffy cried in panic as the Merry's deck suddenly bucked just a _tad_ too hard, throwing Luffy well clear off our ship and to parts unknown. " _I'M GONNA FALL IN!"_

" _WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY!?"_

"LOOK OUT!" Usopp screamed in terror. "WE'RE GOING DOWN!"

And indeed, down we went. Down and down and down, twisting and swaying and swinging every which way there _was_ to swing. It was like the world's most absolutely insane rollercoaster. It was pitch-black, it was wild, and it out and out _reeked._

Finally, the Merry hit a steady downward slide. It was uncontrolled, yes, but at least we weren't in danger of going overboard every other second anymore.

I panted heavily as I fought to get some air back in my lungs, and my legs beneath my body. "Sou-!" I panted for a second before slapping Soundbite onto my shoulder and tapping his shell. " **Sound off!"**

"Here."

"Hey."

"I'll live."

"I think I've got 'I'm-terrified-beyond-all-belief' disease..."

"Right there with you..." I twisted my head around wearily, trying to spy anything in the pitch-black darkness. "Anybody have any idea where we are? Beyond the obvious, I mean."

" **Can't see shit, cap'n!"**

"CRAP! Luffy! Where's Luffy!?"

"Last I saw he was being thrown overboard," I supplied. "Buuut I wouldn't worry. Anyone else and I'd say they were sinking to a tea party with Davy Jones. Him? Ten berries says he's making his way down this thing's blowhole and he'll meet up with us sooner or later."

"I'll take that action!"

"You have _no_ shame, do you, witch?"

"DON'T CALL NAMI-SWAN A-!"

"Uh, guys?"

" _WHAT!?"_

"We're not dead yet, right?"

"I'm not sporting wings and a halo, so no."

"The hell makes you think _you're_ going up there, snailmail?"

"Pff, compared to you and most people on these seas? I'm a freaking saint! Er, the literal kind, not the batshit evil inbred kind."

"Oh, screw-!"

"So we're still alive, yeah?"

"Yes, Usopp, we're still alive!"

"Then could someone explain the light at the end of the tunnel?"

We all turned towards the approximate direction of the aft and caught sight of the bright light illuminating the darkness. A bright light that was coming up _fast._

"Hold on!" I barked out.

And with that, Merry splashed down into the light, the suddenly even water killing our momentum and bringing us to a firm and final halt.

We slowly clambered to our feet, looking around in order to catch sight of our surroundings... and promptly staring in disbelief.

"Uh... guys?" I squeaked numbly.

" _ **You seeing what I'm seein'?!"**_ Soundbite demanded.

"That depends..." Nami said slowly, her tone _very_ carefully neutral. "Are you seeing the big blue sky after we got swallowed by a whale, not to mention an island with a palm tree and house on it?"

"Yup." Zoro, Usopp and Sanji nodded solemnly.

"Ah..." Nami nodded stiffly. "Then there are two possibilities: one, we've all gone batshit insane."

I proceeded to give Nami a _look._

"...point. Alright, in that case... yeah, I've got nothing."

"Never thought I'd see the day..." I mused to myself as I looked around. I racked my brain as I tried to recall the exact details of what had happened around now, cursing my past self for passing up the chance to reread the series when I had it. "Well, at any rate... maybe we actually _are_ in the belly of the whale? The walls could be painted or something."

Zoro stared at me in disbelief. "You _can't_ be serious."

I slapped a hand to my chest and raised my hand towards the pseudo-sky. "May a Sea King strike me down should I lie!"

SPLASH! "GRAAAOOOO!"

"AAAAAGH! SEA KING!"

Oh, riiiight.

Faced with the titan-sized serving of fresh calamari that was barreling towards me, my mind promptly stalled against my will, causing me to blurt out the first thing that came to mind.

"May the Sea King be struck down should I lie!"

TH-TH-THUNK!

I blinked in surprise as a trio of harpoons burst out from between the Titan Squid's eyes, causing it to twitch once, twice, three times before it slowly collapsed backwards, its blood and ink staining the stomach acid.

I stared at the scene in shock before snapping my gaze upwards. "May a billion berries fall from the sky should I lie!"

Nothing.

I scowled in disappointment. "Seriously? What omnipotent being worth their divine salt doesn't do things in threes!?"

" **RIPOFF!"** Soundbite concurred.

"What the hell kind of place is this?!" Nami sobbed miserably.

"I wanna go ho-o-ome!" Usopp concurred.

"Cram it, peanut gallery," Zoro growled as he clicked one of his swords out of its sheath _ever_ so slightly. "We're not alone."

"Here's hoping they're human," Sanji smirked as he puffed out a plume of smoke.

We all tensed as the door to the house _slowly_ edged itself open, allowing someone... _mostly_ human to step out. I mean, old and humanoid Crocus might have appeared, but seriously, there was no way in hell that stuff on his head was hair. Then again, considering where I was...

"Is that... _actually_ a human!?" Usopp blinked in disbelief.

"Could be a flower-man," I shrugged. "I mean, seriously, between the minks, the fish/mer-folk and the long-limb tribes, I wouldn't put it past this world."

"Well, whatever he is, don't let your guard down," Zoro growled as he tightened his grip on his katana. "He just took down a Sea King-size squid like it was nothing."

"Mm..." Sanji mused nervously. "Chances are, either he just saved us... or he was fishing. Which make me wonder... what does he have in store for us?"

Almost in response, Crocus snapped his eyes up to glare at us. We all tensed furiously as his eyes peered into us, another thing Oda's pen simply couldn't fully capture. I think I finally understood how a simple doctor managed to get someone with the name of D., much less _any_ of the Pirate King's crewmates, to sit down long enough for halfway-decent treatment: by terrifying the ever-loving _shit_ out of them.

And so... we waited.

We waited.

And waited.

And waited...

Until finally...

Crocus sunk into a lawnchair and flipped open a newspaper.

"WILL YOU SAY SOMETHING ALREADY!?" Sanji roared indignantly.

Crocus cocked an eyebrow at the outburst, but before he could respond, Usopp barked up... from the Merry's kitchen. "H-H-HEY! Y-YOU LOOKING FOR A FIGHT?! B-BECAUSE I'M WARNING YOU, WE'VE GOT A CANNON!"

"And yet our sniper isn't even anywhere close to manning it," I noted flatly.

Crocus seemed to twitch as his glare redoubled. "Forget it. If you do that... someone's gonna die."

Without warning, the _glare_ was well and truly back.

And so... we waited.

We waited.

And waited.

And waited...

Until finally...

"Oh yeah?" Sanji said, breaking the silence with a convincing amount of bravado, though I could see sweat bead on his forehead. "And who would that be?"

"Me."

"LISTEN, YOU-!" Sanji snapped, putting one foot on the railing of Merry as if to launch himself at Crocus.

Thankfully, Zoro placed a hand on Sanji's shoulder, halting him in place. Good thing too; while I doubt Crocus would be capable of stopping a cannonball as he was, a no-name East Blue cook like Sanji would most likely be no problem.

"No need to get angry, alright?" our first mate smirked, no doubt revelling in Sanji's loss of control. "Listen, old man, we've got some questions for you: who are you, and where the heck are we?"

Crocus snapped a _glare_ to the swordsman, freezing us all in place.

And so... we waited.

We waited.

And waited.

And waited...

Until finally...

"Young man..." he growled. "Isn't it impolite to demand questions of others _before_ you introduce yourself?"

Zoro swallowed heavily as he fought to steady his nerve, plastering an apologetic grin on his face. "Y-yeah, good point. Sorry about that. I'll start: my name is-"

"My name is Crocus," the old doctor interrupted, his tone not shifting so much as a decibel the entire time. "I am the keeper of the Twin Capes Lighthouse. I'm 71 and a half years old, Gemini, my blood type is AB, and my favorite food is-"

"I'M GONNA CHOP HIM UP!" Zoro snapped in an almost identical manner to Sanji, Wado Ichimonji halfway out of its sheath.

"Calm down, he was just answering," I rolled my eyes with a snigger as I clapped a hand down on his shoulder. Soundbite was barely restraining his laughter as it was.

"So you want to know where you are, hm?" Crocus suddenly asked out of the blue. "A logical question, but your rude disposition is making me disinclined to accommodate you. You invade my private resort and act like a bunch of big-shots? Hmph! Besides, I'd think your current location to be rather obvious, considering how hard it is to miss the front door!"

Usopp paled in horror. "Y-y-you mean we're _really_ in that whale's stomach!?"

" _But I don't want to be digested!"_ Nami wailed miserably.

Without warning, Crocus's _glare_ came back at full force and we found ourselves frozen stiff.

And so... we waited.

We waited.

And waited.

And waited...

Until finally...

" _WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT!?"_ my crewmates shrieked, their nerves appearing to override their terror.

"Geeze, guys, lighten up, would you?" I sighed as I dug a finger in my ear. _Damn_ they could be loud sometimes. "Can't you appreciate a decent running gag?"

" _THAT WAS A GAG!?"_

Soundbite roared and hollered with laughter as he swung his head side to side on my shoulder. " **HI-** _LARIOUS!"_

"At least the boy and his snail have a decent sense of humor!" Crocus sniffed.

"Eighteen, just for the record!"

"Whatever you say, brat."

At least I tried…

"Anyways... if you and yours want out, that's fine by me. The exit's right over there." And with that, Crocus jabbed his thumb at the pair of doors embedded into the horizon.

"Wait, what!?" Nami yelped in shock. "What's an _exit_ doing inside a whale's stomach!? And... why is it on the sky in the first place?"

"Noooot quite." I shrugged. "Really now, Nami. I'm quite surprised you didn't realize it in the first place. It's soooo obvious."

"Huh?" Nami blinked at me in confusion.

"Wait..." Usopp squinted at the 'sky'. "I think I see what he's getting at! Look! The clouds! T-they're not moving! They really _are_ painted!"

"Aaaaand there's no wind blowing either. Really, Nami..." I shook my head with a sigh. "I'm quite shocked you didn't realize it sooner. It should have been _obvious_. For a great navigator such as you, anyways."

Nami stammered messily for a moment before looking away with a huff and an iridescent blush. "So I got freaked out and wasn't paying attention. 's not a big deal... _OH SHUT UP!"_ _That_ particular roar was directed at Soundbite as he cackled madly.

"But still, the clouds!" Usopp reiterated, gesturing at our surroundings. "Why the hell are they up there!?"

"It's... a hobby." Crocus informed us flatly.

"Makes sense." I nodded firmly.

" _It's only healthy!"_ Soundbite confirmed.

"ARE YOU ALL OUT OF YOUR MINDS!?" Usopp demanded.

"We can deal with their brand of crazy later!" Zoro barked, slapping his hand down on Usopp's shoulder. "For now, let's get out of here before anything else happens!"

" _ **BWWWOOOOHHHH!"**_

Without warning, Laboon's stomach all but literally _jumped,_ his stomach acid flipping and jostling madly.

"Like _that!"_

Crocus shook his head with a despondent sigh. "And there he goes again..."

I grunted as I supported myself on the Merry's railing. Sea legs I might have, but this was out and out ridiculous. I really, _really_ hope that things even out soon, or else I'm going to wind up swabbing my own puke off of Merry's-!

" **Sad!"**

I blinked as Soundbite suddenly spoke up. "Say what?"

" **Sad!** SO _sad!"_ the baby transponder snail lamented with a shiver.

"You're only just now figuring that out?" I asked in confusion.

Soundbite shuddered and shook his head furiously. "NO! **Wasn't** _listening BEFORE!_ Too SCARED! _Listening_ _ **NOW!**_ And _sad!_ SO **sad!** _ **Sad-sad-sad-sad-sad!"**_

Crocus sniffed heavily. "That snail's got a good sense of hearing. Currently the whale we're inside is ramming his head against the Red Line out of despair."

"What!?" Zoro and Sanji gasped in disbelief.

"I guess that would explain the amount of scars on this guy's head..." Nami mused sadly. "And even I could hear the misery in his cries."

" _WORSE!"_ Soundbite shook his head even harder. " **Worse** THAN _you_ **can** _ **IMAGINE! PAIN! MISERY! SUFF-**_ **E-** RING!"

"And you're the reason why, aren't you?" Nami snapped her attention around to Crocus furiously. "You're in here to kill the whale from the inside!"

"Now _that_ I doubt," I cut in swiftly. "Look around you: we're in the dead center of this guy's gut, and presumably Old Man Crocus over there has been in here for even longer. Considering what he did to that squid, I imagine he'd be able to play whatever merry hell he wanted to on this poor whale's insides with his bare hands, much less those harpoons. If he actually meant it any harm, he'd have done it by now. No..." I looked at the old doctor contemplatively. "That's not even remotely your purpose here, is it?"

Crocus didn't respond, merely cocking an eyebrow as he stared up at me, what appeared to be a glimmer of respect in his gaze.

"We can figure that all out later!" Zoro snarled as he and Sanji moved to grab up the oars that had been rattling across the deck in the midst of the chaos. "Right now, we need to try and get to the exit before we capsize!"

"Easier said than done!" Sanji grunted. "This sloshing's making it damn near impossible to steer!"

"Well _try_ , damn it! Otherwise-!"

SPLASH!

"Hey!" Usopp yelped. "That old guy just dove in!"

And indeed, Crocus was no longer on the island. Instead, he was a blurry form in the off-color acid, swimming straight towards the doors that marked our only way out.

"Looks like he's heading for the exit too, huh?" Usopp muttered. "I guess he wants to leave before this crazy whale kills him too!"

"Now if he were willing to up and leave like that, why would he go to all the trouble of setting up a home in this guy's stomach?" I questioned.

"I... uhhh..."

Before Usopp could formulate a response, Laboon let loose another warbling moan before settling down, the acidic tsunamis subsiding to little more than mere swells.

"Well, that's quite a bit better. He must be pulling back for another run," I noted calmly.

"Whatever is going on, I couldn't care less! Let's row for safety, now!" Zoro ordered.

And indeed, we did just that. We rowed and rowed, coming within a hundred feet of the exit to Laboon's gut...

KA-BAM!

"WAAAAGH!"

When suddenly a smaller door on the gates burst open, spraying out quite the odd trio: a man pretending to be a prince, a princess pretending to be a mercenary-slash-bountyhunter, and a pirate destined to be the ruler of the seas.

Quite honestly, I felt like there was a joke in there somewhere.

Zoro blinked as Luffy flew over us. "Well I'll be damned. Looks like you were right, Cross."

I started to nod in agreement... before slapping a hand to my face as a thought struck me. "Ahhh _damn it!"_

"Huh? What's wrong?" Nami asked.

"I just realized! I could have asked for a _thousand_ berries!"

Nami blinked in confusion for a second... before scowling and ramming a hand into her pocket. "Yeah yeah, I get the message..."

I grinned cheekily as she slapped the bill into my waiting palm. "Pleasure doing business with ya!"

" _Thank you, call again!"_ Soundbite chirped in a faux-indian accent.

"Hey! As much as I appreciate you helping me get one over on the witch, mind giving me a hand here?" Zoro called as he hauled on a rope that was cast overboard. "You know, before our captain either drowns or gets digested?"

A quick moment of hustle and bustle later, made easier by the fact that Laboon _finally_ calmed down, and we had one familiar face and two strangers on board our ship.

"So you guys are still alive, huh?" Luffy grinned. "That's nice!"

"Good to see you too, Luffy!" I smiled at my captain before directing my attention towards his two 'friends' with a frown, knocking them out of their hushed conversation. "And I see you brought guests with you. I don't suppose either of you would be inclined to share your name with us, would you?"

Quite predictably, both Miss Wednesday and Mr. 9 averted their eyes with a huff.

"Hmph. I was afraid of that. Well, in that case, I suppose I'll just need to borrow _these,_ won't I?"

The Frontier Agents tensed and made to stop me as I slid the cannons they'd been clutching since we'd dragged them out of the acid out of their reach. However, before either of them could protest, they were frozen by the _shink_ of a blade - Wado Ichimonji, most likely - sliding partway out of its sheath.

I whistled as I leaned down to examine what had to be about half my body mass in pure gun. "Damn... this is some _nice_ hardware; I'm not an artillery expert and even _I_ can tell that." I gave them an accusing glare. "Mind telling me who or what you want to die in a blaze of high-explosive glory?"

Before either of the agents could respond in any manner, a very loud, very familiar and very cantankerous voice bellowed out from behind us.

"AS LONG AS I LIVE!" Crocus roared indignantly. "YOU WILL NEVER HARM LABOON!"

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion. "Who's he?"

"That would be Old Man Crocus," I supplied. "From what I can tell, he's a guy who lives here in the stomach of the whale that swallowed us. A whale whose name I'm guessing..."

I slammed my foot down on the bazooka's grip moments before Mr. 9 could grab it.

"Is Laboon."

Soundbite loosed a vicious growl that was equal parts doberman and german shepard, prompting the agents to reel back in terror.

"C-come now!" Mr. 9 reasoned desperately. "It's just whaling! Y-you're pirates, surely we can come to an understanding, no?"

I cocked an eyebrow as I gave the man a decidedly unimpressed look. "Back where I'm from, whaling is a _pretty_ hefty crime. Besides the fact that it's damn amoral, I mean. But hey, I'm just the Comms Officer. What say you, captain?"

Luffy was silent as he examined the two, looking them up and down for a moment before speaking. "You two came in here so that you could shoot this whale in the stomach, where he couldn't even defend himself?"

Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday glanced at each other for a moment before grinning and nodding eagerly.

WHAM!

The crew and I reeled in shock as Luffy's fists lashed out and bounced the pair's skulls off the Merry's railing.

Luffy crossed his arms with a snort. "They had it coming." He nodded firmly.

" _Sca~ary,"_ Soundbite whispered.

"And don't you forget it..." I whispered right back.

A few minutes later, we were making our way out of Laboon's stomach and away from his acid, with Crocus hitching a ride in order to show us the way out and with Miss Wednesday and Mr. 9 tied back to back and leaned against the Merry's mast.

"Laboon is an Island Whale," Crocus explained tiredly, glaring darkly at the pair of would-be assassins. "They're the largest species of whales in the world, and they live exclusively in the West Blue. These jokers," he jutted his chin forwards with a sniff. "Live in a nearby village. They claim that they want to kill Laboon for his meat, on account of how it could feed them for a few years with him alone."

Luffy gave Crocus a flat look. "That's just stupid. This guy could only feed them for three weeks, tops."

I gave Luffy a flat look. "Your answer terrifies me beyond all belief for _so_ many reasons."

"Regardless, I'm not going to give you or anyone else the chance to find out," Crocus spat.

"Why do you care so much about this whale anyways?" Zoro asked bluntly. He then proceeded to grunt as he was suddenly smacked upside the back of his head. "OW! The hell was that for, you two!?"

"For being an ass!" Nami growled.

"Seriously, man, learn some tact," I shook my head firmly.

" _BRUTE!"_ Soundbite sniffed.

"Coming from you? That's rich."

"Regardless of how rude the question might have been, I suppose it's a fair one..." Crocus bowed his head with a sigh. "I'll start at the beginning. You see... there's a reason that Laboon keeps pounding his head against the Red Line and crying at Reverse Mountain. I've been this lighthouse's keeper for awhile now. One day, a friendly group of pirates came down Reverse Mountain, and right behind them was a little baby whale. Laboon."

"A pirate crew with a whale as a pet? Now I've heard it all," Usopp whistled.

"First, we've only _just_ gotten on the Grand Line. And second?" I pointed at Soundbite. "It's not like we have much room to talk."

Crocus chuckled as he looked our snail over. "Yes... Pirate crews can come across the most interesting of companions. These pirates had been travelling with Laboon for several years by then. They'd intended to leave Laboon behind in the West Blue because they knew that the Grand Line was dangerous, that Laboon wouldn't survive. But... they didn't take into account that Laboon had adopted them as its pod, so it followed them here."

The lighthouse keeper smiled wistfully as he relived his age-old memories. "Their ship was damaged in the crossing, as most big ships are. They stayed here for several months as they made repairs, and I became good friends with both them and Laboon. And then, when they left, their captain asked me to care for Laboon for a few years, at least until they came back. They said that they would circumnavigate the world and come back... so Laboon and I agreed to wait here together."

"So the reason he keeps banging against the Red Line and crying-?" Nami asked slowly.

Crocus shook his head slowly. "Not... quite. You see... Laboon's friends left just about fifty years ago."

Even knowing it was coming, I could barely restrain my wince.

"But nonetheless... Laboon still thinks his crew is coming back."

We lapsed into an uncomfortable silence for a bit until Luffy decided to be Luffy, looking around at the corridor we were in for a second before whistling in awe. "You know, this place is kind of cool, old man! Did you build it?"

"Lemme guess, another hobby?" Usopp deadpanned.

Crocus chuckled sardonically. "A hobby? Yes, I suppose so. A doctor's hobby. I may not look it, but I used to be a physician, long ago. I was even a ship's doctor for a few years. Ahh, those were the days..."

"Wow, you were a ship's doctor?!" Luffy grinned eagerly. "Cool! Hey, what about joining my crew as our doctor?"

My eyebrows shot up in shock as Crocus seemed to undergo a momentary heart attack, paling and tensing suddenly as though he'd just seen a ghost before swiftly bringing his reactions back under control. I barely managed to repress a grin; the collective Will of D. was no doubt alive and well, but there was no question as to who had inherited Roger's, that was for sure.

Nevertheless, Crocus snorted and looked away dismissively. "Me? Act as a doctor for a bunch of reckless whippersnappers like you at my age? The mere idea is ridiculous."

Before Luffy could make to press the point, we were forced to stop our forward motion as we came up to a large gateway. Without missing a beat, Crocus jumped off the ship and started climbing a ladder that led to a walkway that lined the corridor.

"Are doctors living inside whales common on the Grand Line?" Nami asked semi-seriously.

"Ha!" Crocus barked out a laugh. "Not common, no, but I'm far from the oddest thing you'll see. I didn't have much choice in the remodelling, anyways. Laboon got too big and my treatments weren't doing anything from the outside, so I had to improvise." The old man let out a grunt as he started to turn a large wheel. "Careful now, I'm opening the floodgates."

With a grinding _KLANG,_ the gates shifted open, allowing us to flow out in a flood of seawater and body fluids I did _not_ want to identify.

"Woohoo! The real sky! Finally!" Luffy whooped.

However, our joy was cut down slightly by the sound of Miss Wednesday and Mr. 9 groaning and stirring as they came around from their Luffy-grade naps.

"So what should we do with these clowns?" Zoro asked grimly.

"Personally?" Crocus said as he got back onboard. "I advocate throwing them overboard."

"With or without the ropes?" I queried sarcastically.

"Oh don't be an idiot." Nami rolled her eyes as she undid the pair's binds. "Zoro, if you'd be so kind?"

The swordsman promptly complied, grabbing the two by their collars and tossing them into the sea.

After a moment of flailing, cursing, and rampant vengeance-swearing, the pair proceeded to swim away and out of sight.

"Ahh... Miss Wednesday, hmm?" Sanji swooned as he _somehow_ blew hearts of smoke. "There's nothing more romantic than a woman of mystery."

"You do realize this 'woman of mystery' was toting a high-calibre cannon and most likely wouldn't think twice about snapping you like a twig, right?" I deadpanned.

"Ahhh, but what a way to die..."

" **Deathwish,"** Soundbite intoned flatly.

"Tell me about it..." I rolled my eyes.

"Ooh, hey, what's this?" Luffy asked as he looked over a very _particular_ item that the pair had dropped.

"Yoink!" I jerked the Log Pose out of my Captain's hand.

"Hey!" Luffy whined.

"It looks fragile," I shrugged. "You don't wanna break it, do you?"

"Mmm..." Luffy pouted, but thankfully dropped the issue.

"Should we really let them go if they plan on trying again?" Nami questioned uneasily.

Crocus scoffed as he watched them leave. "It doesn't matter what we do, there will always be more whalers. Besides, I've got more than enough practice and Laboon is tough. We'll be fine."

As Laboon reeled himself up and started wailing at the Red Line, we relocated ourselves up onto the cliffs of the Red Line, at the base of one of the lighthouses.

"So..." Luffy mused as he relaxed against a rock outcropping. "He's been waiting fifty years for his crew, and he still thinks they're coming back for him. Man, those guys have kept him waiting for a long time... I hope they get back soon."

I shook my head with a tsk. "Sorry to tell you this, Cap, but I've read this kind of story a dozen times over. It's not one that has a happy ending."

"Yeah," Sanji agreed, taking a puff of his cigarette. "They said they'd take a few years. It's been fifty. Do the math." He grimaced, before continuing. "They're dead. He'll be waiting until the end of time."

"How can you two be so cynical!?" Usopp demanded in a huff. "You can't know that, they could still come back! This is a heartbreaking enough story as it is! Sure, they've been stalled-!"

"I'm afraid," Crocus said solemnly. "That the truth is even harsher than what you assume, and given the chance I'd make it a reality. But the fact is, those pirates fled the Grand Line. I have it from a reliable source."

"They abandoned the poor whale?" Nami demanded, incredulous. "But to do that, they'd have to pass through the Calm Belt!"

"Precisely. Which is why no one knows their fate." Crocus sighed heavily, seeming even older than his years. "Even in this day and age, as well explored as the world is, there are still mysteries on the Grand Line that defy human comprehension. It may very well be that they're still alive, but even then I doubt they'd be able to return. On these seas, nothing is ever 'normal'. Those with weak hearts all too often succumb to the Grand Line."

"So those with weak hearts cared more for their own lives than the promise they made to their crewmate," Sanji huffed morosely through another cloud.

"Then... then they _did_ abandon that poor whale!?" Usopp demanded harshly.

"Not necessarily!" I hastily defended. "I mean, come on: the Grand Line is _legitimately_ insane, and the rest of the time it's just the regular kind of homicidal. Crocus, did these guys seem like oathbreakers or weak-hearted men to you?"

Crocus blew out a firm snort. "Hell no, they were strong, kind men who never once stopped smiling and laughing the whole time they were with me, and when they left they cried their eyes out at the prospect of leaving Laboon behind."

"Then their leaving might not have been anywhere close to voluntary!" I defended. "They could have been desperate, left with no choice, any number of options. But... in the end..." I shrugged helplessly. "If they _are_ dead... let's not speak ill of them without all the facts, alright?"

Usopp considered this for a moment before nodding slowly. "Yeah... yeah, alright. I can do that."

"But still..." Nami looked at Crocus questioningly. "Why didn't you tell Laboon the truth? I mean, he can understand human speech by now, so...?"

"Oh, I told him alright..." Crocus sighed grimly. "But Laboon... he just wouldn't listen."

"What do you-?"

"The day I told Laboon, he went mad with grief." The old man looked up at the wailing whale miserably. "He started to cry at Reverse Mountain and slam his head into the Red Line, over and over again."

"It makes sense..." I mused sadly. "He's putting all the blame on the closest target he has available that's not you. He doesn't want to believe they'd abandon him, so he's rationalizing that they're on the other side of the Mountain waiting for him. It's that or... accept reality."

"Mmm..." Crocus hummed as he nodded in agreement. "I've tried explaining it to him over and over again, but he refuses to accept the truth."

"Damn... that's some whale..." Sanji breathed in awe.

"But... but he's waiting for nothing!" Nami protested, albeit weakly.

Crocus shrugged helplessly. "It doesn't matter; he refuses to listen to what I say. Either he's gone partway mad with grief or it's simple teenage rebellion. In the end, it really doesn't matter: He's too scared. Scared of losing his reason to wait, scared of losing the hope he's held onto for so long. His home is in the West Blue, and he has no easy way home from here. Those pirates... they _were_ his home."

"Damn... can't help but feel bad for the poor guy..." Sanji mused with a tug from his cigarette before glancing at Crocus. "But still... After all these years, why do you bother still taking care of him?"

Crocus was silent for a moment as he stared upwards contemplatively. It was during this moment of silence that I noticed our captain had gone suspiciously missing from the rock he'd been sitting on until a second ago. I twitched slightly as I made a guess as to just what my superior was planning. Praying I was wrong, I flicked Soundbite's shell in order to get his attention as I surreptitiously slipped my headphones over my ears.

"Connect me to Luffy," I hissed.

Soundbite blinked up at me in confusion before shrugging as much as he was capable. A second later, an electronic whine hummed through my ears, followed swiftly by Luffy's voice. " _Mmm hmm, this oughta do nicely!"_

"Uh, cap'n?" I hissed pleadingly. "Would you care to fill me in on what you're planning?"

" _Hm? Oh, hey Cross! Nothin' much, I'm just gonna shove the Merry's mast into Laboon so that I can get his attention."_

I twitched further, meeting Soundbite's panicked gaze head-on. Yup, I was right. "I don't suppose there's anything I can do to dissuade you from this _monumentally_ stupid course of action, is there? Like suggesting you use something _else_ as a weapon? Such as, say... the lighthouse itself?"

" _Mmm... naaaah, it wouldn't work as well. It's fine, Usopp can fix the mast. Besides, Merry's strong! She can take it!"_

I barely refrained from cracking my skull against the nearest boulder. Yeah, should have seen _that_ coming. "Alright then... Can I at least convince you to use the _mizzen_ mast, instead of the main one?"

" _Uh...?"_

"The _smaller_ one. It's not as big as the main mast, but it oughta still get the point across, and, more importantly, with any luck it'll hurt Merry a _lot_ less."

" _Huh... good idea! Thanks! Well, I'm gonna stab a whale in the head! See ya!"_

Before I could respond, Crocus finally broke his silence. "Look at the scars on Laboon's forehead." He gestured upwards, indicating the patchwork of unhealthily-off-colored flesh that decorated his body. "I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that Laboon's injuries run deep. Our relationship is odd, but I've watched over him for the past fifty years. I am a doctor and Laboon is not only my patient, but also my friend. I cannot, in my right mind, stand by and watch him die."

"RAAAAAAH!"

We were jerked out of the rather morose observation by the sound of a familiar individual roaring at the top of his lungs.

Each and every last one of us blinked in numb surprise as Luffy ran up Laboon's side, a very large and very familiar pole of wood hefted upon his shoulder.

"Dare I even _ask_ what that moron's doing?" Sanji groaned.

"You take your eyes off of him for one second..." Zoro shook his head with a sigh.

"In my defense," I piped up wearily. "I _did_ try and stop him. It could have been a _lot_ worse."

"What the hell are you-?" Usopp started before choking as he _really_ looked at the pole Luffy was carrying. "Is that Merry's mizzen mast?" he squeaked out weakly.

"Be glad I was able to talk him out of using the main."

"GUM-GUM!" Luffy roared as he reached Laboon's top, raising the mast high above his head before _ramming_ it into the whale's flesh. "BOUQUET!"

We all stared up in numb horror at the _monumentally_ stupid action our captain had just undertaken.

"God _damn it,_ Luffy," Nami summarized succinctly.

The next instant, Laboon went very, _very_ still, his entire body twitching for a moment until finally...

" _ **BWAAAAHHHH!"**_ The whale bellowed, flailing about madly.

" _WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, DUMBASS!?"_ Nami, Sanji, Zoro and Crocus roared furiously.

" _ARE YOU TRYING TO SINK OUR SHIP!?"_ Usopp shrieked.

" **RIDE 'EM COWBOY! YEEHAW!"** Soundbite cackled.

"IF YOU LET GO, DO A FLIP!" I called up. I then cocked an eyebrow at the venomous look my crewmates shot me. "What? He's my captain, I'm trying to be supportive. Is that so wrong?"

Before anyone could respond, Laboon's roars faded down into a gut-rumbling growl as he proceeded to eye the Red Line in a way I _didn't_ like.

"Guys?" I squeaked. "I don't know about you, but I suggest we..."

Laboon suddenly _shifted_ again, charging head-and-Luffy-first at us.

"RUN!" I promptly turned tail and bolted as far away from the coast as I could manage.

When Laboon made landfall, it was as though an earthquake had hit the Red Line, flinging us all off our feet.

I huffed in pain as I slammed into the rock, and the second I realized that I wasn't in danger of death by whale... I doubled over in laughter. "Pffff _hahahahahaaaa!"_ I wheezed out madly. "Hooooly _shit_ that was close!"

" _ **Gnaaarly dude!"**_ Soundbite concurred.

As the cackles subsided into giggles, however, I found myself being flipped over onto my back, with Nami clutching me by the collar off my jacket as she yanked me face-to-face with her. The mad look in her eyes did little to help matters.

"What the hell did you mean when you said you were an adrenaline junky!?" Nami hissed, her voice borderline demented.

I chuckled nervously as I plastered a shaky grin on my face. "Ah... see here's the thing: back home in Florida? Every once in awhile my friends and family would convince me to do something really really crazy. Sometimes it was jumping off a high ledge into a lake, other times it was riding a stupidly wild rollercoaster, all kinds of stuff."

Ahhh, the Top Thrill Dragster. Nothing quite gets your heart pumping like going from a flat stop to 120 miles per hour in barely less than four seconds.

A particularly aggravated growl broke me out of my nostalgia. "A-a-anyways, the point is that before I did this crazy stuff, I'd hem and haw out of terror, but the second I actually did it, I'd love the hell out of it and do it over and over and over again! The near death experiences I've suffered in the past twenty-four hours? Terrifying, yes, but they've given me a rush that I've never imagined possible. Sooo... yeah, adrenaline junky: the crazier and more dangerous the situation, the more I'm gonna laugh out of sheer exhilaration." I smiled tentatively. "The things people enjoy, huh?"

Apparently, Nami wasn't quite so happy with my answer. At least, if the way her face was twitching as though she were mere milliseconds from either an aneurism or a psychotic break. "You mean to tell me..." she hissed in a voice that wouldn't be out of place in _Exorcist._ "That the _one_ other sane person on this crew... is literally _addicted_ to flirting with _death itself!?"_

I shivered briefly in the face of Nami's Wrath (and by _Ghandi_ did it deserve to be capitalized) before plastering a desperate grin on my face. "I suppose that this would be the wrong time to quote the Cheshire Cat in saying 'we're all mad here', huh?"

Nami's body flat-out _twitched_ as she snapped a fist back. I clenched my eyes shut in a pre-emptive wince...

"IT'S A DRAW!"

And cracked an eye open as Luffy bellowed without warning.

We turned our attention over to our captain, who was grinning like a loon at a very bemused and slightly bruised Laboon.

"Saved by the bell," I muttered quietly beneath my breath.

THWACK!

My last thoughts were that I wasn't quiet enough, if the fact that Nami suddenly plowed her fist into my face was anything to go by.

After that, darkness.

 **-o-**

When I came to, the first thing I saw was Nami and Crocus kneeling over me, Nami with a concerned expression and Crocus with an exasperated one. "How are you feeling, brat?" the old man grunted.

I blinked blearily as I processed the statement for a second before grimacing as the mass of pain that was my face registered. "I'm _alive,_ though whether or not that's _good_ remains to be seen..." I glanced at our navigator curiously. "Since when could you throw a punch?"

" _Never,"_ Nami asserted firmly, her voice filled with worry. "At least, nowhere near well enough to knock a person out for _ten minutes."_

" _WHAT!?"_ I yelped, jerking upright... and promptly regretting the action with a moan as I clutched my throbbing face. "Ooooww... alright, in that case, _what the hell?!_ I've never taken a shot to the face before, sure, but I'd _like_ to think that I'd be capable of walking away from it if it came from someone your size!" I shot a wary glance at Nami. "No offence."

"None taken."

While Crocus mulled over his response, my own mind flew at a mile a minute. I'll admit, I'd expected _some_ level of danger on account of my status as a dimensional alien, sure, but to the degree that I was in danger of a punch from _Nami!?_ I'd hoped to stand side by side with Luffy, not cheer him on from on high!

Finally, Crocus spoke up, snapping me out of his musings. "Answer me this, brat: your arm, when did you hurt it?"

"Huh?" I glanced between my arms in confusion.

"Your _right_ arm, brat. Don't tell me this little thing busted your eardrum too."

"Hey! I didn't knock _you_ out, I still take offence from _that!"_

"And I should care why!?"

While Nami muttered and growled darkly, _I_ rolled up my jacket's sleeve, exposing a stretch of raw flesh that _stung_ quite a bit. "Uh, this? It's a rope burn, I got it about an hour ago when we went down Laboon's throat."

 _That_ drew Nami's shocked attention to me. "That's an _hour_ old and you haven't even started healing yet!? Cross, what the hell!?"

"Uh..." I hesitated briefly. "I... take it that's not normal, huh?"

"In my experience, burns like that have usually started to heal up by now and are gone a few hours later as a result," Crocus stated solemnly. "What's _your_ estimate?"

"Ah..." I wracked my mind for a second before conjuring up an estimate. "A... week? Tops? I'm no med student, soo..."

Nami's eye twitched furiously. "Cross, I reiterate: what the _hell!?"_

"Uh..." My mind flew as I tried to conjure an acceptable answer.

Thankfully, I was saved from having to come up with one.

"I think I might have an idea."

I hid my relief as I looked at Crocus, the old doctor scratching his chin in thought.

"Your friend here told me about your home, Florida. It's a hidden nation, right? Small population, I'm guessing, everyone's local, with few to no immigrants?"

"Uh..." I fumbled for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Yeah, that's about right. We don't want anybody we don't want to finding out about us - mum's the word, by the way - so yeah, few to none get in. Why?"

Crocus blew out an exasperated breath as he rolled his eyes. "Does the word 'inbreeding' mean anything to you?"

I made the connection and promptly pounced on the opportunity given to me, slapping a hand to my face as I loosed an embarrassed moan. "Yes, it does. And here I thought we'd been careful enough... Just for the record, I don't care if you're a woman _or_ a senior citizen, if that word manages to make its way to the rest of the crew, I'll put my foot through your digestive tracts. Capiche?"

Nami held her hands up in polite surrender while Crocus merely snorted.

"So anyways... is that it then? I'm gonna die a doomed, brittle man because of defective genes?"

"Nah, you'll be fine." Crocus waved me off. "Considering how you don't have any obvious mutations, the problem's not as severe as you might think. No, if anything, it's more than likely a problem with your nutrition. Deficient crops and livestock and all that. So long as you keep eating fresh food from the Blues and go easy on the salt beef and hardtack, then you should be good."

"Oh thank _god..."_ I slapped a hand to my chest with a relieved sigh.

"Yeah," Nami nodded in agreement before smiling and helping me up to my feet. "Well, at least you got up at the right time. Sanji's said he'll be setting up dinner soon."

"Good!" I grinned eagerly as I followed her. "I'm hungry enough to eat a Sea King!" My grin widened ever so slightly as an idea hit me. "Or a snail." I waited for a biting retort... then glanced at my bare shoulder in shock. "Where's Soundbite?!"

"Don't panic, he's fine," Nami assured me as she pointed at the ocean. "He's on a bit of a... playdate, so to speak."

And indeed, there Soundbite was, perched on a barrel and chatting animatedly with a very familiar whale who was now sporting a _vaguely_ familiar emblem over his scars.

I swallowed heavily as I scanned the pale imitation of our flag. "Please tell me Luffy didn't recruit the whale."

"I'd have harpooned him if he'd tried," Crocus stated flatly.

"Luffy took over the promise Laboon's crew made and drew our mark as a symbol of it." Nami explained. "Soundbite started talking to him once we'd assured him you were fine... and when he stopped laughing after that."

"For the record, if he gives Laboon any bad habits, I'm blaming you both," Crocus hummed.

I raised my hands hastily. "Fair enough, fair enough. So... Sanji's coming with food soon, I'm guessing Usopp'll be finished with fixing the Merry soon enough... what next?"

"Hmm... good question..." Nami mused as she dug a circular object out of her pocket and clicked a button on its side. "Let me just-!"

I blinked as our crew's navigator suddenly stopped walking without so much as a hint of warning. "Uh... Nami? Everything al-?"

" _EEEEYEEAAAAAARGH!"_

I cursed in shock as Nami loosed an ear-splitting shriek of horror, causing even Laboon to turn tail and flee beneath the waves in abject terror.

" _CRAZY_ **BANSHEE!"** Soundbite yelped, though he quickly calmed down when I scooped him back onto my shoulder.

"Nami-swan, is everything alright?" Sanji cried lovingly, hopping towards us with plates upon plates of _delicious_ looking food perched upon his limbs, Usopp following close behind him.

"NO YOU DUMBASS, EVERYTHING IS _NOT_ ALRIGHT!" Nami yowled as she slammed her compass onto the nearby table. "LOOK! THE COMPASS IS _BROKEN!"_

And indeed, the metal needle was spinning furiously in its casing, appearing more like a propeller than a navigational tool.

"You came to the Grand Line unprepared," Crocus deadpanned as he brought over more plates, sounding flatly amazed. "Well I never! Are you trying to get yourselves killed? I thought I'd told you, nothing is regular about these waters. Your compass isn't broken, nature is."

"So even the damn magnetic field is borked, huh?" I queried weakly. "Fun, fun, fun."

"Indeed," Crocus nodded solemnly. "You see, each island of the Grand Line is well and truly unique, and not just in the obvious way. Their mineral compositions give off truly unique magnetic fields, which make compasses inoperable. And of course, as you can expect, the winds and currents all have minds of their own. I'm sure that you realize how deadly that is, Miss Navigator."

Nami swallowed heavily as a cold sweat broke out on her brow. "If we didn't immediately run into the Calm Belt, we'd wander aimlessly until we either dehydrated or starved..."

"Precisely. Setting off unprepared in these waters is tantamount to suicide."

"I had no idea..." our navigator whimpered meekly as she scratched the back of her head.

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?" Usopp howled as he gripped his head fearfully.

"No fear, Nami-swan, you're still beautiful even if you don't know anything!" Sanji swooned.

" _SHUT UP!"_

"Mmm... This tuna trunk is delicious!" Luffy mumbled around his full mouth.

"Have you tried the tail?" I queried as I chewed on my own portion. "It has the texture of pork, but it _tastes_ like chicken."

" _ **Yum-yum!"**_ Soundbite got out as he munched down on the portion I'd offered him.

"Ahem?" Crocus coughed, continuing once he had all our attention. "Now, to navigate the Grand Line, you're going to need a device known as a Log Pose. It's a special kind of compass, capable of recording the Grand Line's magnetic fields."

Luffy swallowed his mouthful in favor of another as he tilted his head questioningly. "So it's a weird compass?"

"They have weird shapes, yes."

"I think I might have found one! Do you still have it, Cross?"

"Yo," I concurred, digging the Log Pose out of my jacket and holding it up for all to see.

"Hmph, good for you." Crocus nodded firmly. "Entering the Grand Line is an ordeal in and of itself, navigating without a Log Pose is nigh impossible, and I only say it's not completely because of how I've found that, in my experience, anything's possible on the Grand Line."

"I see, I see, just one moment..." Nami nodded slowly. "I just need to know..." She suddenly blurred towards us. "WHERE DID YOU MORONS GET THAT!?"

I tried to dodge out of her way...

THWACK!

A second too late.

Next thing I knew, I was blinking awake face down in my plate. "How long was I out?" I mumbled.

"Long enough for Luffy to tell me where he got that Pose and for me to explain your... condition. Sorry..." Nami scratched the back of her head sheepishly.

"Fair enough..." I pushed myself up and started wiping my face down as I did my best to ignore Soundbite's snickering. "Continue."

"Right, right. Anyways, Crocus, about this Log Pose..." She held it up to her eye level curiously. "How does it work? I can't see any markings..."

"It doesn't need any," the keeper explained. "The islands of the Grand Line each have their own unique fields. The Log records the fields of the islands, leading you from one to another to another. The Log is your only hope of traversing this ocean. Starting from this mountain, you'll have to choose one of seven island magnetic fields. In the end, however, they're all the same. All routes, no matter how you follow them, eventually become one and lead to a single, final destination."

I sat up instantly as the mood shifted _drastically_. It was awe-inspiring, really. Dare I say... _reverential._

"Raftel," Crocus intoned solemnly. "It's the last island of the Grand Line. In all of history only one pirate crew has ever made it there and lived to tell the tale: the crew of the Pirate King."

"You mean until _we_ get there," Luffy grinned as he bit into the spine of the Elephant Bluefin. Proclamation done, he leaned back and let out a sigh of contentment, patting his somewhat swollen belly. "Man, that was tasty!"

"You ate the whole thing!" Sanji screeched, his jaw hanging open.

Usopp glanced at the remains of the Elephant Bluefin, before performing an _impressive_ double-take. "He even ate the bones!"

"At least I managed to get a _taste_..." I muttered vehemently. Damn he was fast... And I'd actually _liked_ that tuna, too!

" **GREEDY** _GLUTTON!"_ Soundbite sobbed.

"Damn it, Luffy! I cooked that for Nami! I wanted her-" And here Sanji emphasized his point by kicking Luffy square in the head. " _To have the best of it!"_

I winced as Luffy flew straight and true, blasting straight over Nami's arm and shattering the Log Pose she had attached to her wrist. Sure enough, the fragile glass didn't do well against a ballistic Luffy hitting it, obliterating the instrument in a second.

For a moment, Nami just stared at the broken Log Pose, her face frozen in the pleased smile she had. And as Sanji turned his lovestruck gaze to her, her expression turned thunderous.

Usopp, Soundbite, and I all braced for the explosion that was sure to come. We didn't have to wait long.

Neither a swooning Sanji or a somewhat dazed Luffy were able to react before Nami marched up to them and simultaneously punted them both off the cliffside.

"GO SOAK YOUR HEADS!" she called out after them as they landed in the water.

As Nami stomped back over to where the rest of us were, Usopp gave me a concerned look. "Hey, is Luffy going to be alright, being in the water like that?"

"Eh, Sanji's with him. He'll be fine," I replied with a shrug. "Besides, they both had that coming. I don't know about you, but I don't wanna die by getting in Nami's way."

Usopp nodded slowly as he watched Nami warily, apparently satisfied with the answer, and turned his attention back to our navigator, who was fussing over the broken Log Pose.

"Crocus, what are we going to do?" Nami lamented. "Our precious Log Pose is-!"

"Actually," I cut in before Crocus could speak up, pulling the Log Pose I had bought at Loguetown out of my pocket. It was a bulky thing, with a needle of metal wavering around inside a metal-lined orb of glass that was fixed to a cuff of leather and far sturdier than the rather thin sphere over the other Pose.

Nami twitched slightly as she jerked towards me before hastily restraining herself. "If you already knew..." she hissed. "Why the hell _didn't you tell us!?"_

I shrugged helplessly. "I overheard something about 'special compasses' back in Loguetown, so I took the liberty of buying one on the way out, figured I'd find out more as we went along. Didn't expect to use it as a spare, though."

"Hmph..." Crocus examined the Log Pose intently before nodding firmly. "You got lucky, kid: That's a damn good piece you bought. Firm, sturdy. It'll guide you far."

I smiled as I clapped my hands together eagerly. "Well then! Unless there's anything else to attend to-!"

 _ **KABOOM!**_

We all jumped as a devastating explosion blasted up from the ocean below us.

I promptly hung my head in despair. "Stupid question. Soundbite, could you?"

Soundbite let out a whine for a moment before piping up in Mr. 9's voice. " _We have a request."_

 **-o-**

About an hour later, we were on our way, sailing away from the massive form of Reverse Mountain with two additional passengers amongst our ranks.

Two very _unique_ passengers I reminded myself as I blew out heavy sigh, looking around the ship calmly. Specifically, I was side-eyeing the blue-haired faux-Frontier Agent who was currently standing at the Merry's prow, glaring at anyone and everyone who made the mistake of getting near.

Credit where it was due, an angel Vivi might be, but damn if she couldn't fake being a bitch like the best of them.

However, I didn't have time to think about that. Instead, I turned and started pacing across Merry's deck thoughtfully. Sure, things had turned out alright back on Reverse Mountain, but the fact that I had forgotten about _Laboon_ of all characters, even in the midst of an adrenaline high, was _terrifying_ to say the least. I _needed_ to recap my knowledge, make sure that what I remembered was valid... or else I'd be in for more than a few nasty shocks in the all-too-near future.

On a broad scale, though, I think I remembered well enough: Whiskey Peak (here's hoping they didn't spike the water), Little Garden (to explore the killer prehistoric jungle or not to explore? decisions decisions), Drum (I was really going to need to play that one by the ear; heads Nami almost dies and I feel like a scumbag, tails _Chopper_ is guaranteed to die by Wapol sooner or later _and_ we all go without medical care for who-knows-how-long) and finally, for the moment, Alabasta (nope nope and another _nope,_ not going to start on that gordian knot of consequences until I don't have a choice).

I nodded definitively to myself. Yes, that was definitely everything, nothing left out.

I threw my head back and stared at the sky with an exasperated growl. So why did I _still_ feel like I... was...

I slowly crossed my eyes as a little white _something_ fluttered down from the sky and landed on my nose with a burst of cold.

I blinked in confusion. Why was it snowing out of the blue, where had this fogbank suddenly come from, and why did it terrify me beyond all logical reason?

" _ **ICEBERGS DEAD AHEAD!"**_

Oooooh, right... _Crap._


	7. Chapter 7 - Whiskey Peak Pt 1

**Chapter 7**

" _WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS OCEAN!?"_ Nami shrieked furiously as she held onto the Merry's railing for dear life.

"I KNOW, RIGHT?! ISN'T IT AWESOME!?" I cackled as I yanked on one of the Merry's ropes, fighting to keep her sail open _just_ right so that we could catch the summer gale that was blowing at us from starboard, all while we angled ourselves so that we could weave through the field of icebergs that were coming at us through the fog.

My memories had been right about the Grand Line's weather being completely out of this world, and they'd been right about how it'd start with snow and icebergs... but apparently _nothing_ could predict the sheer scale of the madness that we were to be put through.

To put it in a few words, it was like _everything_ decided to happen all at once. The wind kicked up into a howl, a fog swept over us alongside a blizzard-slash-lightning storm, icebergs large enough to give the _Titanic_ PTSD did their level best to reduce us to splinters...

Or, put another way, Poseidon was having a psychotic breakdown and we were subject to the whims of his maddened throes.

It was life-threatening, it was maddening, it was so _completely_ unreal... but above all else?

"THE WIND'S SHIFTING AGAIN!"

I braced my feet against the deck and yanked on Merry's line as hard as I could as the sail tried to yank my arms out of my shoulders, a semi-demented grin dancing across my lips. " _Pffff-_ HAHAHA!"

It. Was. _Awesome!_

"YOU CAN'T _SERIOUSLY_ BE GETTING OFF ON THIS!" Nami shrieked desperately, her nearly-crazed eyes raking the surrounding weather for _some_ clue of whatever the heck was going to hit us next.

"THE HELL I CAN'T!" I shouted back over the howling wind. "THIS IS THE MOST FUN I'VE HAD MY WHOLE LIFE! THIS IS _BADASS!_ RIGHT SOUNDBITE!?"

" _WAY HAY AND UP SHE RISES, WAY HAY AND UP SHE RISES!"_ my snail roared jubilantly as he clutched my shoulder, swaying back and forth in time with the tune.

"Mmmph, geeze..." Zoro grunted as he blinked awake, stretching slightly as he got up from the part of the wall he'd been snoozing against. "Soundbite, if you're gonna sing, could you at least _try_ and carry a- GRK!"

Zoro was cut off as Nami suddenly appeared in front of him, jerking him down to her eye level by way of his collar. "We're fighting against Mother Nature for our lives here and you're _sleeping?!_ " she spat, sounding downright _possessed_ in her fury.

"Uh..." Zoro fumbled for an answer in light of the here-to-fore unseen levels of rage the navigator was displaying.

Nami made to rip into the swordsman further, but instead suddenly snapped her head to the side, staring at the mad waters with a haunted look. "That wind was coming from port but now it's coming from starboard, how is that-OH SON OF A-! TACK THE SAILS! WE NEED TO TURN AROUND, 180 DEGREES! THE CURRENTS TWISTED US AROUND WHEN WE WEREN'T LOOKING!" She shoved Zoro back as she darted back to her position on the Merry's upper deck. "GET TO WORK!"

I yanked hard on the line I was holding, trying to reel in the Merry's sail a bit. "Could I get a hand here? This wind is seriously-!"

Zoro promptly snatched the rope out of my hands and jerked the sail into its proper place with ease.

I blinked in surprise at the action. "Ah... thanks."

"You _really_ need to work out."

" **WIIIMP!"** Soundbite cackled.

I shrugged slightly as I shuffled my feet about in an effort to keep my balance stable. "Well, can't really argue with that! Think you could help me work out properly later?"

"Sure," Zoro grunted as he handled the sail. "When we actually get out of this-!"

" _HANG ON TO SOMETHING!"_

Acting on instinct, I grabbed the Merry's rigging, and not a moment too soon.

For a brief moment, the ocean became the sky, my feet came off the deck, and my entire being just seemed to _float._

Then, as fast as things went crazy, everything roared back to normal, all of us crashing onto the deck as we tried to process what the _hell_ had just happened.

"Did... did Merry just pull off a _loop de loop?!"_ Usopp sputtered weakly.

"Actually, I think that was a barrel roll..." Mr. 9 moaned.

" _PfffHAHAHAHA!"_ I finally managed to spit out, the sheer _rush_ of what I'd just experienced hitting me all at once. "Holy shit, that was _sick!"_

"What in the literal blue _hell_ is _wrong_ with you!?" Miss Wednesday shrieked at the top of her lungs. "We almost _died!"_

"I know!" I grinned at her eagerly. "And it was _beyond_ awesome!"

The undercover mercenary gaped at me in open-mouthed disbelief. "Are you _insane!?"_

"No! Nononono..." I scrambled up to the woman, grabbing her shoulders and shoving my grinning face in hers. "I'm _living!_ For the first time in my entire life, I know what it's like to actually be _alive!_ Back home, I was never in any kind of danger, never in fear of my life, I never put _everything on the line!_ But here!?" I swung my arms out wide, indicating the mad, _mad_ world around us. "This insanity, this impossibility... it's _unique!_ _Unprecedented!_ It's... it's legitimately _beautiful!"_

Without warning, the Merry bucked once anew, launching me off my feet and sending me tumbling head-over-heels.

When I landed, flat on my ass and aching slightly, I started sniggering as I stared up at the sky. "PfffHAHAHA! I'm freaking _loving this!_ This madness, this craziness... it's awesome!" I tilted my head slightly so that I could cast a grin at Luffy. "And above all, I _love_ this crew for getting me here! Thank you _so_ much for letting me be a Strawhat, Luffy! I love you all _so_ goddamn much!"

"Shishishi!" Luffy chuckled as he balanced on the Merry's railing. "Sounds like you're having fun, Cross!"

"Yup!" I smirked as I worked my way back onto my feet. "See, you guys are going to need to work long and hard in order to achieve your dreams, but me!?" I swept my arms out. " _This_ is my dream, Luffy! _This_ is what I've waited for all my life! The world, clear and uncut, up close and personal! I am _living_ my dream every second we are out here and it is _glorious!"_

As if in response, a wave splashed over the deck, soaking me from head to toe and shoving more than a bit of seawater down my throat. I hacked and spluttered for a moment before grinning eagerly. "It's also a little bit salty!"

" _ **Blech!"**_ Soundbite shivered heavily within his shell.

"That's _really_ inspiring, Cross!" Nami piped, sounding rather aggravated. "Now, if you could just do me a favor by _shutting the hell up and getting to work BEFORE THE DAMN WHIRLPOOL OFF THE PORT BOW SWALLOWS US ALL ALIVE!?"_

"Shutting the hell up, ma'am!" I squawked, leaping to my feet and rushing to help Usopp man the surprisingly well-patched-up mizzen mast.

"What happened to you enjoying living your dream?!" Usopp grunted.

"Nami's not a part of that dream, she's a goddamn course hazard!" I hissed quietly.

" _Headstrong!_ **NOT SUICIDAL!"** Soundbite provided.

" _I HEARD THAT!"_

I shot a glare at my shoulder-mounted snail. "Now you see the merits of controlling your volu-GAH!" I yelped as _something_ whiffed just over the top of my head. "What the he-?!" I trailed off as I stared at the object that had come _way_ too close to braining me. "Is that a hailstone the size of a golf ball?"

Usopp swallowed heavily as he shot a nervous glance up at the angry gray clouds. "I _really_ hope that things calm down soon, before your 'dream' kills us all!"

They didn't.

 **-o-**

"WATER SPOUT, DEAD AHEAD!"

 **-o-**

"AN ICEBERG JUST CLIPPED US!"

 **-o-**

"Ahhh, a spot of summer sun... really _hot_ summer sun... AGH! TOO HOT! THE SAILS ARE ON FIRE! WATER! WE NEED WATER!"

 _SPLOOSH!_

"AGH! TYPHOON!"

" _NOT WHAT I MEANT, DAMN IT!"_

 **-o-**

"Is it just me, or did things suddenly get dark?"

"Nami? Look up."

"What are you-!? _AGH!_ SINCE WHEN COULD FLYING MANTA RAYS LITERALLY FLY!? _OR GROW AS BIG AS GODDAMN WHALES!?"_

 **-o-**

"Wait, didn't we already pass that-?... Nami, when was the last time you checked the Log Pose?"

"Huh? Just ten seconds ago, w-? #!$%&^!"

" _#!$% &^! #!$%&^!"_

"Thanks for expanding my snail's vocabulary, Nami."

"SHUT UP AND TURN US AROUND AGA- _ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?"_

"Flipped us around _again,_ huh?"

"I SAID SHUT UP, DAMN IT!"

 **-o-**

Finally, after what felt like forever... nothingness.

The sea was calm, the sun was shining, a light breeze was blowing...

But still, it paid to double-check.

"Are we good?" I asked Nami wearily.

"As far as I can tell..." she whimpered, supporting herself against the upper deck's railing.

"Soundbite?"

" **Boo-bee-beep. We're sorry, the number you are trying to call has been disconnected."**

"Soundbite! Wake up!"

" _Hoo-_ WHAT?"

"Can you hear anything lurking underneath us?"

Soundbite tilted his head to the side as he concentrated for a moment before shaking his head firmly. " _ALL CLEAR!"_

"We're good!"

"Oh... perfect... in that case..."

Nami promptly went limp and collapsed on the deck, followed swiftly by the rest of us.

"I can't feel my anything..." Usopp whimpered miserably.

"Lucky you, my _everything_ is burning..." I bemoaned.

"Tsk..." Zoro growled as he massaged his throbbing limbs. "I can't believe you guys woke me up for _that._ Couldn't you have handled it yourselves?"

" **NO!"** the rest of us roared furiously.

"Soundbite, you can imitate whatever sounds you've heard, right?" Nami demanded.

" **Yup yup yup!"**

"Here's a direct order: The next time you hear Zoro sleeping while we're going through that kind of _hell,_ blast a Sea King roar in his ears. All in favor?"

"Nay!" Zoro barked.

A resounding "AYE!" roared out across the ship in response.

"Oh screw you guys..." the swordsman growled.

"Shishishi!" Luffy chuckled from where he was sitting on the Merry's figurehead, looking _legitimately_ no worse for the wear. The bastard. "Sorry Zoro! Looks like you're outvetoed!"

"I think you mean 'voted'..." Miss Wednesday groaned.

It was at that moment that Zoro took notice of the two exhausted mercenaries. "Now that I think about it, what are these two doing here?"

" _YOU ONLY JUST NOTICED US!?"_ the pair shrieked indignantly.

"We're sailing to their home town," Luffy explained cheerfully.

Zoro blinked at Luffy before casting a flat look at the rest of us. "And none of you tried to stop him?"

"You honestly think we could?" Sanji shot back.

"... fair point. Anyways..." Zoro pinned Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday with a _far_ too bloodthirsty smirk. "I've been thinking... what did you say your names were again?"

"Urk... I-I'm Mister Nine..."

"M-Miss Wednesday."

"Yeah, I thought so..." Zoro's grin widened even further, prompting the two to break into cold sweats. "Those names of yours, they're _real_ familiar. They've been stuck in my mind for awhile now. Like I've heard them before..."

The two looked like they were about ready to bolt...

"Or maybe I haven't," Zoro shrugged, his grin becoming positively shit-eating.

The duo collapsed onto their backs with dual whimpers. "Demon..."

I grinned cheekily as I clapped a hand on Zoro's shoulder. "Come on, buddy, leave them alone."

"Thank you..." Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday sighed in relief.

"After all, it's cruel and unusual to torture poor, defenseless pests like them! Save it for the poor, defenseless Sea Kings."

"OH SCREW YOU!"

"Either way, come on." Turning around, I walked away and gestured for him to follow. "I'm almost certain that that madness scattered our supplies all over the hold, and I can't lift the crates alone."

"Why don't you get Luffy or the crap-cook to do it?"

"Listen up, you damn moss-!" Sanji started to snarl, but was halted by Nami placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, Sanji, I've got this." Our navigator pinned Zoro with a frigid _look_. "You'll help him, or else I'll quintuple your debt. To _start._ "

Zoro twitched furiously for a moment before marching past me with a growl. "Come on, brat. Let's get to work."

I shot a grateful grin at Nami before following the swordsman into the storeroom. As I'd predicted, the numerous crates, barrels, and sacks we were using to hold our foodstuffs and supplies were a little everywhere, though thankfully all of them were intact.

The second I was inside, I closed the door as quickly and calmly as I possibly could before shooting a look at Zoro. "Alright, they can't hear us anymore, spill it."

Zoro blinked at me in bored curiosity. "What the heck are you talking about, Cross?"

I maintained my deadpan expression as I stared at the first mate. "Zoro, you're a lot of things: you sleep way too much, you're focused on swords to an unhealthy degree, you're grumpy-"

"I am _not_ grumpy..." Zoro grumbled, his arms folded petulantly across his chest.

" **THAT'S** _what_ _**you**_ PROTEST?" Soundbite asked with a cocked eyestalk.

"But one thing you _aren't_ is needlessly sadistic," I finished firmly, ignoring Soundbite's comment. "If you psychologically tortured those two about their names, it's because you _definitely_ knew something about them. And if you know something about them, then _I_ want to know it too."

"Oh yeah?" Zoro's glare hardened in defiance. "And why do you want to know so much, exactly?"

"Because I want to know whether or not it's pertinent to our crew's continued well-being!" I flung my arms wide in exasperation. "Zoro, if you know something that could be important, then you _need_ to tell us! _None_ of us can afford to spare any information, otherwise we risk jeopardizing the crew!"

" _Hy~po~cri~te!"_ Soundbite sang to me _sotto voce._

" _Bite-!"_ I started to hiss out of the corner of my mouth before swiftly biting my _own_ tongue. Fool me once, shame on the little shit, fool me twice... well, you get the drift.

Nevertheless, my words did the deed: Zoro's stern expression faltered slightly for a moment before he relaxed with a sigh. "Alright, alright, no need to get melodramatic... For the record, I didn't tell anyone because I wanted to handle it on my own, alright?"

I raised my hands in a shrug. "A noble sentiment, Zoro, but that's just not how a crew works. We're in this crazy journey together, for better or for worse."

" **ALL FOR ONE!"** Soundbite crowed.

"And one for all, yeah yeah..." Zoro shook his head with a chuckle before adopting a deadly serious expression. "Alright, I'll explain everything to everyone, later. Just make sure that the stooges are out of the dining room when we eat, alright?"

"Can do, boss-man!" I saluted firmly.

"In the meantime..."

"WHOOF!" I winced as a _freaking heavy!_ bag of rice slammed into my midsection.

"Get to work," Zoro smirked as he hefted a crate and slid it back into its original position, lashing it down with a length of rope for good measure. "You volunteered us for this job, might as well do it right."

"Aye-aye, _sir..."_ I grumbled mutinously as I started waddling away under the sack's weight.

" **Heave-** _ho,_ **Heave-** _ho,_ **Heave-!"**

"Oh shut up!"

Thankfully, about an hour later, Zoro and I managed to complete our task, _just_ in time for a long-awaited call.

"Nami-swan, it's time for dinner! HEY MORONS, GET IN HERE ALREADY!"

As we did, we rushed up to the upper deck as fast as we could, racing to beat Luffy to the dining room before he managed to shove a hefty portion of our food supplies down his throat.

Thankfully, on account of not being used to our ship just yet, Miss Wednesday and Mr. 9 had lagged behind, giving me _just_ enough time to grab two of the plates Sanji had prepared and shove them into their hands before they entered the dining room.

"Sorry!" I grinned wolfishly. "This dining room is for crewmates and paying customers only. Free-loading passengers eat in steerage, no exceptions. Enjoy!"

And with that, I promptly slammed the door shut in their faces, chuckling at the dual cries of "HEY!" that they bellowed out in protest.

"CROSS!" Sanji snarled as he marched up to me furiously. "I can get the crown-wearing dingus, but how _dare_ you lock out a poor lady like-!?"

"Shh!" I hissed, pressing my finger to my lips.

The cook halted in dead shock. "Did you just shush me!?"

"Yes, and I'll do it again! Observe: _Shush!"_ Before Sanji could respond anew, I glanced at Soundbite. "Give us some white noise, would you? No chances."

Soundbite nodded firmly and proceeded to concentrate for a moment before making a grinding motion with his teeth. As a result, I could hear a faint combination of buzzing and gurgling wafting around the room's door.

Nami stared at me in confusion. "Cross, what are you doing? No chances for what?"

"I'm assuming he means no chances for those two to overhear me telling you all about just how dangerous they _really_ are, right Cross?" Zoro asked bluntly.

I snapped my fingers and pointed at him with a nod. "Hole in one."

Now it was Usopp's turn to blink in befuddlement. "Wait, Zoro, you actually know something about them!? And... dangerous? Are you sure? I mean, sure, they had those guns before, but we left those with Crocus! How dangerous could they really be?"

"Yeah, Zoro!" Luffy mumbled out from around the full pound of food he'd stuffed into his mouth. "They're funny, not scary!"

"Them on their own?" Zoro jerked his chin at the door. "Yeah, they're not much of a threat. What I'm worried about is what they're a part of. Tell me..." He slowly swept his gaze over the crew. "Have any of you ever heard the name 'Baroque Works'?"

Everyone, myself included, blinked in confusion as we searched our thoughts momentarily before shaking our heads.

Zoro snorted and shrugged as he started to scratch the back of his head. "I'd be surprised if you did... Alright, here we go: a few years ago, while I was still a bounty hunter, I was approached by a man- _not like that, damn it!"_ he snarled furiously when he caught sight of Sanji smirking malevolently. "A man who wanted to _recruit_ me into the organization he was a part of on account of my skills. When I refused, he didn't take it well. As in, he tried to _kill_ me, all because I knew about the mere _existence_ of his organization."

"That organization being Baroque Works," Nami divined.

"And that man's name being Mr. 7," Zoro finished.

 _That_ prompted the rest of the crew to tense nervously.

"After _that_ little experience..." Zoro continued with a sigh. "I decided to do a little research into just who these 'Baroque Works' people were, in case they ever came after me again. Not too much, I didn't want to draw any attention, but enough to give me a general understanding. To put it simply, Baroque Works is a criminal syndicate that prides itself on secrecy. All their agents have codenames, men with numbers and women with days, and the identity and location of their boss is completely unknown."

"They have a massive number of operatives who operate in the East and South Blues and the Grand Line alike, and they have untold resources to operate with." Zoro looked each of us in the eye, one after another. "Make no mistake: Baroque Works is a dangerous organization, not the kind of people you mess with on a whim."

We all lapsed into silence as we absorbed the information, contemplating the implications they posed. Well, I _say_ all, but really Luffy just kept on eating, oblivious to the gravity of the situation.

Finally, Sanji gulped and plastered a nervous smile on his face. "C-come on, it couldn't really be that bad, could it?"

"Y-yeah!" Usopp nodded frantically, desperate to find _some_ bright side to the situation. "A-a-after all, you managed to beat this 7 guy, right? Right!?"

Zoro grimaced slightly as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah... the guy was a master actor. He went from cordial to trying to chop my head off in less than a second. If there hadn't been a bottle nearby and I'd been a second slower on the draw, well..." He drew a finger across his neck.

We all lapsed back into silence as we mulled over the perilous facts. Finally, Sanji hissed in a deep tug from his cigarette. "You're thinking this is a trap, huh?"

"Criminals don't normally give two shits about the wellbeing or hunger of others..."

"Unless they're their own, right, right..." Nami groaned as she kneaded her temples in aggravation. "Perfect. Just... perfect!" She shot a glare at our captain. "Thanks a lot, Luffy!"

"You're welcome!" Luffy perked up for a moment before tilting his head in confusion. "But... what did I do?"

"You caused us to stumble ass backwards into an ambush set by a multinational criminal organization based on a whim," I summarized flatly before Nami could blow a gasket and try to throttle the poor bastard.

"Oh! Then yeah, you're welcome!"

"WE'RE NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT YOU DAMN BASTARD!" Nami, Usopp and Sanji roared.

Zoro winced and dug his pinkie in his ear. "Eesh, guys."

"I know, right?" I grimaced as I slapped one of my palms against the side of my head. "We need a doctor on this ship, I need a refresher on the symptoms of tinnitus."

"And a musician!" Luffy piped up swiftly.

"Music isn't much good to me if I can't hear it, cap'n."

"Besides," Nami jabbed her thumb at the seemingly silent snail on my shoulder. "Doesn't _he_ kind of count?"

I cocked my eyebrow in response. "You consider the sound _he_ makes mus-?"

"I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES,

 _EVERYBODY'S NERVES,_ _ **EVERYBODY'S NERVES!"**_

"ACK!" I jumped as Soundbite's 'voice' blared in my ears.

"I'm with the Commie on this one..." Usopp grumbled darkly as he glared at my shoulder.

"Anyways!" Zoro cut in. "The point is that when we reach this Whiskey Peak place, we all need to be on our guards. Trust _no one,_ and not a word of this to the two outside. Understand?"

We all nodded and gave varying sounds of assent.

"Great!" I clapped my hands firmly. "Now, what say we divvy up what's left of our meal before Luffy finishes picking our plates clean, hm?"

"Yea- WAIT, WHAT!? _LUFFY!"_

SMACK! CRACK! BAM!

"OW!"

I chuckled as Luffy and Sanji fell into an impromptu brawl before starting at the tapping sensation on my shoulder. "Wh- Oh, yeah, sure, you can drop it, Soundbite."

The snail heaved a massive sigh as he ceased his ministrations before casting a look at me. "WE'RE IN _deep_ **SHIT,** _**huh?"**_

I shrugged in response. "It's the Grand Line, my friend. With a few exceptions, everything in it is trying to kill you."

 **-o-**

"WOOOH!" "HOORAY!" "WELCOME!"

My eye twitched furiously as I took in the massive crowd of people before us, roaring and cheering raucously at the top of their lungs. Credit given where credit was most definitely due, even knowing that nearly all of these people were cold-blooded killers who would slit our throats without a second thought, their cheers _still_ sounded almost genuine to my ears.

They _definitely_ sounded genuine to the rest of the crew, though.

"Shishishi! And you guys were worried!" Luffy cackled as he waved joyously.

"You jerks scared us for nothing!" Usopp whooped as he blew kisses to the crowd. "Pirates are heroes to these people! Heroes! Woohoo!"

"HELLO, MY LOVELIES!" Sanji swooned, completely and utterly enraptured in his 'Hurricane of Love'.

I stared flatly at the trio of men prancing about the lower deck before plastering a smile on my face and turning my attention to the other two crewmates who were with me on the upper deck. "Honeypot?"

"Honeypot," Zoro and Nami chorused flatly.

"Oi vey..." I shook my head with a sigh. "I'll sneak away and have Soundbite keep a listen out for anyone planning something behind the scenes when I get the chance. Hopefully they'll be able to keep their faces straight when I funnel it into their ears. For now though!" I straightened up and raised one of my hands into the air.

" **Just smile and wave, boys,"** Soundbite announced through his grin. " **Smile and wave."**

 **-o-**

"So just down the hall and third door on the right?" I called over my shoulder as I walked out of the room the party was roaring in.

"Yeah, can't miss it!" one of the partying bounty hunters confirmed.

"Great, thanks!" I shot him a thumbs up as I went, purposefully staggering and bumping into the walls as I went. Thank _God_ for these guys blatantly over-acting; thanks to the commotion, none of them had noticed that most, if not all, of my drink was sloshing out of my mouth and onto the floor, rather than down my throat.

The second I reached the bathroom, I forced myself in and locked the door shut behind me, collapsing on the seat with relief. I did _not_ want to stay in there longer than I had to; parties were... not entirely my style. Definitely not crazy ones like this one was, at any rate. Still... I shook my head firmly. Now wasn't the time to be uncomfortable, now was the time to get to work.

I placed Soundbite on my knee and grinned down at him. "Alright little buddy, ready to illegally wiretap the world?"

" _Roger-roger!"_ he nodded firmly.

"Okay then..." I slid my headphones up around my ears. "Give me a general overview of the town, everything that's _not_ going on in this hou... in the room the party's in. And remember, volume. Don't blow my eardrums."

Soundbite nodded anew, his ear stretching from eye-stalk to eye-stalk as he concentrated firmly.

A second later, a stream of sound flowed through my ears: crickets chirping, water flowing, gravel crunching, wind howling... and most important of all, voices.

"Okay okay okay, hear those two, the guys who sound like they're above us?" I queried.

Soundbite looked upwards for a moment before flaring a particular line of noise.

I listened for a moment before shaking my head. "No no, they're just getting another keg on account of how fast Zoro's drinking. I meant the _other-_!" I cut myself off as the correct voices resurged, making the things they were saying quite clear. And oh, the things they were saying.

"Jackpot," I nodded to myself. "Okay, connect me with the crew, subtly."

Soundbite clenched his eyes shut for a moment before opening his eyes and nodding firmly. " _Ka-lick!"_

I pressed the headphone with the microphone close to my ear. "Don't react, don't say a word, just keep doing what you're doing. I'm currently in the bathroom using Soundbite to speak to you. He's putting my words _directly_ into your ears, so nobody can hear me but you. Now listen: I got a little bit curious and had Soundbite listen in on a little bit of everything and I heard something _interesting_. Soundbite, let them have it."

" _Ka-lick!"_ Soundbite repeated firmly before letting out the voices I'd heard before.

" _-much longer do we have to fucking wait!? I'm getting sick and tired of this crap, I wanna fucking_ go _already!"_

" _Not yet, damn it. They're still awake, and I'm not going up against Roronoa goddamn_ Zoro _while he's still sober. We've been able to do this for so long because we've always done it_ right."

" _Ergh, but still..."_

" _Look man, don't worry. I'm sure they won't need much more before they go down. Then, once they're dead and away, it's shackles and straight to the Marines for a hefty payday! And that makes it all worth it, right?"_

" _... eh, yeah. Fair enough. Hey, pass me that rifle, would you? I don't think I wiped down its barrel yet."_

" _Here ya go. By the way, did you see that outfit Miss Wednesday was wearing? I swear, bitch and ice queen she might be, that girl is smoking-!"_

" _Oh-_ kay, that's more than enough!" I slashed my hand across my throat desperately, Soundbite complying with a lecherous giggle. "Anyways, I think you get the idea. Now, here's how I suggest we swing this-!"

Before I could say anything further, the sound of splintering _everything_ rang out, accompanied by a very familiar "RAAAAAAAH!"

I bit out a curse as I slapped Soundbite back onto my shoulder, jumping up and darting out of the stall. "Damn it, Luffy, do you even _know_ the word sub-!" I cut myself off as I wrenched the door to the bathroom open and came face to face with a thinly built man who'd been _just_ about to push open the door himself, and was _also_ frozen in place, presumably on account of both the sudden commotion _and_ the fact that I was _obviously_ somehow still stone sober.

As we stared at each other, I had two separate reactions.

Internally, I was ranting and raving, self-flagellating myself with reckless abandon. ' _Supposedly drunk, isolated, perfect for ambush, DUMBASS!'_

Externally, on the other hand...

"You're gonna want to get some air fresheners in there, ASAP. Believe me, biscuits are _murder_ on my stomach, it's not pretty."

Thankfully, the surprisingly coherent string of words prompted the man to jump in shock, giving me _just_ enough time to lash my right leg up and catch him square between the legs. As the guy started to crumple, I shot my right hand into my jacket, snapped out the baton Smoker had given me and _rammed_ the rod of metal across the guy's temple, knocking him to the floor.

I panted heavily as I stared at the man's prone and groaning form for a moment before lashing out an additional kick to his face for good measure. It never hurt to be too careful.

Well, it hurt him, but that was the entire point of the endeavor, so I didn't count it.

I stood there silently for a moment as I caught my breath again before reaching up to absentmindedly tap Soundbite. "You know what, Luffy? Forget what I was saying about subtle, these guys are total dicks. All those in favor of breaking everyone and everything right here right now, say aye."

A second roar erupted from what was left of the party room, accompanied swiftly by the entire _building_ shaking from a massive impact.

I let out a heavy huff as I cracked my neck back and forth eagerly, a heady grin splaying itself over my face. "I'll take that as an aye! Well, you heard the captain! _CHARGE!"_

And with that, I bolted straight towards the brawl, Soundbite trumpeting out a bugle call as I went.


	8. Chapter 8 - Whiskey Peak Pt 2

**Chapter 8**

I skidded to a halt outside of the party room, gaping in awe at the utter _chaos_ that had engulfed it.

To start with, one of the room's walls was just flat out _gone,_ allowing me to catch sight of a fairly large crowd of armed killers attempting - emphasis on _attempting_ \- to hold down a rather rotund Luffy. The job was made fairly difficult by the fact that Luffy was flailing around and roaring furiously as he bodily _flung_ the bounty hunters this way and that. Luckily, I could see Miss Monday lying in the middle of the street with a rather _painful_ looking dent in her skull. _Un-_ fortunately, not only could I _not_ see Sanji and Zoro, but I _could_ hear the tell-tale sounds of them fighting in the distance. I had a _very_ bad feeling I knew what had brought that on.

As for Usopp and Nami, they were both handling themselves relatively well against the dozen or so agents that were trying to get them, with Nami employing her staff to admirable effect and Usopp using a variety of ammunition on the thus-occupied bounty hunters.

I contemplated the rolling battle, wondering where I should start...

"CROSS, DUCK!"

Before I was torn out of my musings by Usopp's warning hitting my ears, prompting me to act first and think later as I dropped to my knees. As a result, the lead ball he shot at me whizzed well over my head and slammed into the chest of the man who'd apparently been sneaking up on me.

"Soundbite, keep your ears _open,_ got it?" I growled underneath my breath.

" _ROG-_ **MOVE!"** Soundbite barked suddenly.

Acting on instinct, I rolled forwards, narrowly dodging a blade that stuck itself in the wooden doorframe where I'd been squatting moments before. I scrambled to my feet... right in front of yet _another_ bounty hunter.

I didn't think. There wasn't any time to think, no time to consider anything akin to a plan, just pure, straight up _action._ And with that, I _rammed_ my free fist - thumb out, tight but not too tight - straight into the guy's nose. As he staggered back, I followed up with a kick to one of his knees. The joint crumpled under the impact and the man began to keel over, and I finished by bringing my baton down on the back of his skull. If the way he flopped bonelessly was anything to go by, he was down and out.

" **BLADE LEFT!"**

Acting on Soundbite's warning, I whipped my baton up, _barely_ catching a sword from coming down on me and cleaving my skull open like a rotten melon as I supported the metal pole with both hands. I strained for a moment under the pressure before swiftly swinging my foot up and kicking the guy once, twice in his shin. His stagger gave me _just_ enough time to force my way into his guard and whip my elbow up and into his face, followed swiftly by the palm of my hand ramming into the middle of his forehead.

I glanced around for where to go next...

" **BEHIND-!"**

Unfortunately, Soundbite was a moment too late as a thin arm, a woman's, wrapped itself around my neck and _something_ was pressed to my temple.

"Alright you two, surrender quietly or your _friend_ here-!"

THUNK!

"Grgh..." the woman gurgled as she slumped away from me, a glance downwards showing a large lump rapidly blossoming on her forehead.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I took a step back, my back coming into contact with Nami's. "Thanks for the save. Sorry, I should have- _GRGH!"_ I warded off a guy who wandered too close with a savage kick. "Been faster!"

"Don't - _ragh! -_ beat yourself up about it!" Nami managed to bite out. "We all make mistakes. To be - _honest! -_ two people is pretty impressive, especially without anything heavier than that dinky baton of yours."

"H- _HEY!"_ I yelped as I rammed my shoulder into an opening I managed to notice. "I'll have you know that tactical batons are simultaneously strong, subtle, and have been used for _plenty_ of cases of police- _brutality!"_ I brought the weapon down on the elbow of an arm I'd grabbed, the resulting crack sounding _very_ reassuring to me.

"Whatever." Nami's voice gave the impression of rolling her eyes in good-natured exasperation. "Anyways, you're doing alright for your first fight. I thought you'd said you'd never actually fought before?"

"I haven't! But I _do_ have a demon of a little brother back home," I explained, frowning at the mere thought of the little shithead. "One who has a tendency for hair-pulling and other forms of foul play. Just thought it'd be best to emulate him for once. I'll be honest, this is working _out!"_ I shot my baton out and caught a guy - the second one I'd taken down, actually - in the throat before grabbing his hair and bringing his face down to meet my knee. "Better than I thought it would!"

"Yeah, and I think I know why," Nami grunted. "These guys are meant to be trained _professionals!_ They're used to people with actual skills, not amateurs who come at them like _rabid_ _dogs_!"

"Rabid dog, huh?" I huffed out as a slightly vicious grin spread across my mouth. "I actually think I can live with tha-!"

"GUM-GUM!"

I cut myself off with a yelp as I dove to the floor, followed closely by Nami and Usopp.

"WHIP!"

Not a moment too soon; a second later, a long elastic limb swung through the air above us, bowling over the rest of the agents who were still standing in a single definitive strike.

I lay prone for a second before daring to glance up, taking in the array of unconscious bodies in numb awe. "Well... that works too, I suppose."

"Only when we're not in the line of fire..." Nami growled darkly.

"Ahhh..." Luffy sighed heartily as he ambled over to us, patting his now-flat stomach. "Nothing like a good fight to help with digestion. That was nice!"

"IT'D BE EVEN NICER IF YOU GAVE US A HEADS-UP BEFORE ALMOST TAKING OUR HEADS OFF!" Usopp howled as he sprang to his feet.

Luffy blinked at us in confusion. "But you're all fine, aren't you?"

"ONLY BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU TOO WELL, JACKASS!" Nami _and_ Usopp raged.

"That _was_ a little reckless, Luffy," I concurred.

" **Loose** _ **cannon,**_ _baby!"_

Luffy blinked at us for a moment before chuckling and scratching the back of his head sheepishly. "Ah... yeah, you're right. Sorry guys."

"At least you're willing to admit it..." I sighed wearily before glancing at Nami. "Dare I even ask where Zoro and Sanji are?"

As I feared, she jerked her thumb towards the sounds of combat in the distance. "Zoro took down that large woman, Miss Monday, when she tried to cave Usopp's head in with her fist. Unfortunately, that got Sanji going after him as a result. They went that way and haven't come back yet."

"Joy..." I ground out. I considered matters for a moment before speaking. "Alright, seeing how the element of surprise has just been blown to kingdom come, mind if I offer my opinion on what the hell we should do next?"

Luffy shrugged with a large grin. "Sure thing!"

Nami mimicked the action. "I don't see why not."

Usopp glanced around warily for a moment before nodding nervously. "A... alright then. You were right about this town, so..."

" _Thank_ you," I sighed in relief. "Alright, here's what I'm thinking: Usopp, you find a good rooftop and act as support, take out anyone who shows their head and isn't us. Think you can do that?"

Usopp considered my request for a moment before popping a thumbs up and nodding firmly. "Y-yeah! Of course I can?! Who do you take me for, huh? I am the-!"

"Great Captain Usopp, yeah yeah yeah, we know, we know," I rolled my eyes impatiently. "Now get to it, would you?"

"R-right, right!" Usopp yelped, running off to find the nearest ladder or staircase possible.

"Nami," I directed my attention at the orange-haired woman. "You and I are going to be engaging in one of the few pirate activities I think you _will_ enjoy."

"Oh yeah?" Nami cocked an eyebrow doubtfully. "What?"

I grinned and clapped my hands together firmly. "Looting everything that isn't nailed down, and a lot that is!"

I could practically _see_ Nami's eyes flash into beri signs. "You have my attention."

" **No shite!"** Soundbite chortled.

Ignoring the snail, I went on. "I think Luffy managed to take out the majority of these guys and the rest are probably either heading for the hills or getting caught in Zoro and Sanji's crossfire. Hence, that leaves an entire town of criminals abandoned and ripe for the picking. I imagine you hear opportunity knocking like I do, right?"

Nami allowed a giggle of child-like glee to slip out of her as she nodded eagerly.

Luffy blinked in confusion as he cupped his ears. "I don't hear anything..."

"Figure of speech, Luffy," Nami and I chorused.

"Anyways," I continued. "You head towards Sanji and Zoro and break them up if you can, then send them back here to tie these guys up so that they don't get loose. I'll head in the opposite direction and see what I can turn up. And keep an eye out, alright? There could still be some stragglers hiding here and there, so there's a good chance they could try and jump us. Got it?"

"You got it, big bro!" Nami chirped before skipping - _skipping! -_ away.

I blinked in numb shock as I tried to process what I'd just seen. "O... kay... that was disturbing..."

" _I feel..._ **unclean..."** Soundbite shivered heavily.

"I haven't been this scared since the last time Grandpa came to visit..." Luffy gulped audibly.

I jerked as I was reminded of my captain's presence. To be specific, I was suddenly all-too-aware of exactly what I'd been saying in his presence.

"Ah, captain, look..." I started uncomfortably. "L... Listen, about the whole 'plans' thing... I-I realize that this is your crew, really. I-if I've been insubordinate or anything-"

"Cross."

I snapped my jaws shut, not because Luffy was angry... but because he was grinning.

"I can't cook."

I blinked in confusion at the non-sequitur. "Uh...?"

"I can't predict the weather," Luffy went on, still grinning serenely. "I can't swing a sword, and I can't lie." His grin widened enough to expose his teeth. "And I'm not that smart, either."

I tried to put the pieces together in vain. "I... Luffy, I don't think I understand."

"Shishishi!" Luffy chuckled as he scratched underneath his nose. "Oh yeah, you weren't there for that, were ya? Ah well. We'll talk about it on the Merry."

"O... kay?" Contrary to what Luffy thought, I actually knew _what_ he was talking about, I just didn't understand _why._ How did _that_ apply in this context?

"Anyways... weren't you going to tell me what your plan was for me?"

I jerked at the reminder. "Ah-! R-right, right... Luffy-!"

"IGARAPPA!"

BANG!

"GAH!" Luffy grunted as he was suddenly jerked forwards by a number of lumps shooting out of his chest. The lumps remained for a second before Luffy growled and _flexed_ furiously, the lumps flattening out and a spread of buckshot shooting out of his back as he let loose a rabid roar.

"HEY, WATCH IT YOU BASTARDS, THAT WAS DANGEROUS!" my captain roared as he wheeled around and charged in the direction of both the voice and the bullets.

I blinked in surprise as my mind caught up with what had just happened. "Smash..." I finished intelligently.

Soundbite giggled as he watched Luffy roar off. " **Puny** GOD!"

"That comes later..." I muttered to myself. "For now, just puny Frontier Agents."

" **ENOUGH TALK!"** Soundbite barked as he jerked his head forwards. "MUSH! MUSH!"

"I'm mushing, I'm mushing..." I complied as I started walking forwards. "But I'm doing it _slowly._ Right now, we need to talk."

The baby transponder snail blinked in confusion. "WE _do?"_

"Yes," I pinned him with a glare. "We do." I jerked my thumb over my shoulder. "I got ambushed _twice_ back there, Soundbite. Not once, _twice."_

" **NOT MY FAULT!"** Soundbite protested.

" _Yes_ your fault!" I accused firmly. "Soundbite, your hearing is _phenomenal._ You _should_ have heard that guy outside of the bathroom, you _should_ have warned me about him. Why didn't you?"

The snail hesitated for a moment before glancing away sheepishly. " _Wasn't_ **listening..."**

"And that almost got us _killed."_

Soundbite made to say something, then bit his lip and looked away uneasily.

I kept walking for a moment before stopping and sighing. "Soundbite... look, I'm sorry for being so harsh. I realize you're young and I realize you're not used to this, but..." I spread my arms and indicated the town around us. "We're in the Grand Line. We can't afford to freeload anymore, either of us. I'm going to be exercising under Zoro, and frankly? You should exercise too. Or at least, practice. Your powers are as strong as they'll be, at least until your body grows up a bit. Until then, all you can do is refine _how_ you use your powers. Nothing more and nothing less. Understand?"

Soundbite was quiet for the longest time as his eyes swivelled back and forth on his eyestalks, before he gave me a look of pure determination, nodding his head firmly. " **Understood."**

I smiled and gave his shell a reassuring pat. "Glad to hear it. And I know how you can start. Remember those stragglers I mentioned could still be around?"

Soundbite nodded, though he looked confused.

"Well, I want you to listen for them. Find their heartbeats, find their breathing, find them talking, find _anything._ Locate anyone left in this town who isn't us and tell me or Nami or anyone else if those people are getting close to them. Do you think you can do that for me?"

Soundbite frowned as he glanced left and right in thought, grinding his teeth slightly. "It's... **hard.** _Need to concentrate..._ **FOCUS** _A LOT..._ _ **WEED THEM OUT...**_ "

I shrugged helplessly. "Sorry, Soundbite, but I said it before we went up the Mountain. Nothing worth doing is easy to do. I'm not asking if it's easy or hard, I'm asking whether you can or cannot do it."

" _I'll..._ _ **try..."**_ Soundbite ground out before snapping a glare at me. " **Quote Yoda** _AND DIE."_

I chuckled as I raised my hands in surrender. "Not a word."

" **GOOD.** **Now...** _Quiet."_

And with that, I shut up as I started going from house to house, popping the doors open and checking out the insides. As it was, this venture was turning out to be _quite_ profitable indeed. Every residence I checked was quite spartan in nature, and had a not inconsiderable stash of money hidden somewhere within, some in pantries, others beneath mattresses, and so on and so forth. Thankfully I'd managed to find a nice big burlap sack to stash the bills in, and after about two hours and a dozen houses, I was lugging what had to be half of Luffy's bounty in cash.

I had to admit, it was quite the ingenious system; if the residents of Whiskey Peak had pooled the rewards of their bounties in a singular vault, then there would always be a chance of someone getting greedy and pulling off a heist. Foolhardy, on account of the Unluckies and other such threats, but a chance nonetheless. But by spreading the wealth throughout the town, no one person would have too much money on them at once. Most likely Igaram and Vivi's teams had larger shares on account of being Agents, but their strength and positions made any thoughts of stealing from them suicidal at best.

As I made the rounds of the house, Soundbite was uncharacteristically silent, his eyes darting back and forth beneath his clenched eyelids. It was easy to tell that the snail was concentrating as hard as he possibly could, keeping track of however many bounty hunters were left in this town.

Ultimately, this concentration paid off when Soundbite snapped his eyes open _just_ as I was about to make my way out of my fifteenth house. " **WAIT,"** he hissed. " _Bounty hunter."_

I promptly froze, my hands inches from the doorknob of the still-ajar door. "Where?" I whispered.

" _Down the street._ **He has a gun."**

I snorted slightly as I rolled my eyes. Of course he did, why _wouldn't_ he have one?

Alright, alright, no time to panic, just need a quick plan... How to best use _noise_ to take this guy out... the obvious answer was subterfuge, so all I needed was a good tri-

Wait... trick... _parlor_ trick... that was it!

"Can you mimic any of the bountyhunters who are still up?" I asked quietly.

Soundbite muttered under his breath for a second before nodding. " _Yeah,"_ he grunted in a foreign voice.

"Alright... here's what I want you to do: swap my voice, and then project it to that guy, while making sure I can hear what he's saying. Can you do it?"

A moment of concentration more and Soundbite nodded firmly. " **Say when."**

"Okay... okay..." I took a calming breath and pressed myself up against the wall of the house, right next to the door. "Do it."

A second later, an electronic-ish whine sounded in my ear. " _ **You're live."**_

" _Pst. Pst!"_ I hissed out. " _Hey, hey, you!"_

" _What the-? W-who-?!"_

" _Shhh! Over here!"_ I tapped the door slightly, causing it to swing a bit. " _Get over here, quietly. One of the pirates is upstairs. We can take him by surprise."_

The silence was _devastating_. For a heart-rending moment, I feared that this wouldn't work...

Until the agent spoke. " _Alright. Hang tight..."_

I took slow, deep breaths as my heart pounded in my chest, every instant seemingly lasting an eternity as I waited for the right moment.

Finally, Soundbite bit out a nigh imperceptible " **Get ready"** into my ear.

A second later, the door started to creak open and I caught sight of the side of _somebody's_ face.

With barely a second thought, I sprung at the man, one fist crashing into the side of his face with all my weight behind it while my free hand grabbed the end of his gun's barrel and _wrenched._ Thankfully, the force and shock factor of my punch was more than enough to cause the man to let go of his weapon as he stumbled in an attempt to catch on to what was going on. Instead of giving the bounty hunter a chance to reorient himself, I jammed the butt of the gun into the guy's gut. As he doubled over, I caught him squarely in the middle of his face with my elbow.

A final overhead swing of the rifle onto the man's head skull put him squarely down for the count.

As I stood there, panting and staring at the prone man in shock, I came to a few realizations: first, I was shaking like I'd been dunked in ice; second, I could _feel_ my heart pumping and roaring in my chest; and third... third was that I had a massive and most likely slightly disturbing grin on my face.

" _-ross? Hey, Cross, is this thing working?"_

"YERK!" I yelped in shock, jumping almost a foot into the air as Zoro's voice came out of nowhere.

" _Yeah, it's working. Cross, you alright?"_

"Uh..." I stammered dumbly. Right, right... Soundbite must have made a connection... just... just need to calm down. "Fine. Fine, fine, I'm... I just ambushed another agent, but I'm fine."

" _... Cross, did you-?"_

"NO!" I winced at how loud that was. "I... I mean no, no. He's fine. I'm fine. I didn't... he's just unconscious, I wouldn't... not that there's anything _wrong_ with that, not if there's any other-!"

" _Cross, are you_ really _alright?"_

I hesitated slightly as I contemplated my answer before responding. "I... look, Zoro, I know it is _distinctly_ not right to enjoy fighting and violence, I know that... but... the thrill of it all... the rush... that's... that's still safe, right? That's not...?"

" _Are you kicking his head in or breaking his bones for kicks?"_

"Uh..." I looked down at the unconscious man contemplatively, reassuring myself that _yes_ he was still breathing. "Ah, no, no, I didn't do that. I did what needed to be done, nothing more or less."

" _Then you're still sane, Cross. You're still pretty nuts for, well, anyone, but you're not the dangerous kind of nuts. Well... to anyone but yourself, at least. Does that help?"_

I considered this for a moment before promptly sagging in relief. "I... I don't think it _should_ but it does. It really does. Thanks, Zoro."

" _Great. Anyways, the crap cook and I just finished tying these clowns up and Nami wants to start counting cash. Get over here before she gets it in her mind to get you herself."_

I barely choked down a squawk of panic as I grabbed the sack of Beri's I'd accumulated. "On my way!" I grimaced as a thought hit me. "Ah... before I forget, were Mr.9 and Miss Wednesday among the captured? I coulda sworn I caught sight of them when Luffy went to beat down that curly-haired guy."

" _Huh? Yeah, we got them. They tried to attack me and the cook while we were fighting. Psh, as though fighting that moron would distract me even remotely enough for that to work. Why do you ask?"_

"Perfect..." I ground out, doing my best to keep my exasperation out of my voice. That made things... complicated. Or at least, interesting. "I just wanted to know because they seemed like they had higher ranks than the rest, if their low numbers meant anything. A grunt is one thing, executive officers are another barrel of pitch entirely."

" _Fair enough. But don't worry, they're tied up. They won't be causing us any problems."_

"Got it, got it..." I nodded slowly to myself. "Well, anyways, I'll be there in a bit. Hang tight." And with that, I jerked my hand across my throat. The second the connection was cut, I let out a slight groan as I looked up at the sky, searching for an answer. Well _this_ was a fine mess. While the sky _was_ dark, we were still early in the timeline, and without Mr. 5 and Valentine putting seemingly lethal pressure on Vivi and Igaram, neither of the two would spill their identities to us.

Some way, somehow, I needed to get the two to divulge their identities to us and explain their stories. Otherwise... well, best not to contemplate those kinds of consequences. Or the body counts that went alongside them.

Well, standing around separated from the crew wouldn't do anything to help. Besides, maybe the walking could help me think of something.

Fifteen minutes later, I was back at the building and my mind was still giving me squat. As it was, my train of thought could be summed up as a frantic repetition of the words ' _What-do-I-do-What-do-I-do-What-do-I-do-!?'_

"Hey big bro!"

"SONNUVA!" Once _again_ I jerked in shock as a voice, Nami's this time, came straight outta nowhere. I shot a glare at Soundbite. "And you didn't warn me _why!?"_

" **Too** FUNNY!" Soundbite snickered.

"Grgh..." I hissed out before taking in Nami's _very_ ecstatic demeanor. "And as for you, what the heck is with the 'big bro' stuff?"

"Anybody who helps me make fifty million beris in a single night is as good as family to me!" Nami chirped eagerly as she yanked the bag of cash I was holding out of my hands.

I blinked at the sum in shock. "You managed to find fifty mil all on your own?"

"Actually, your bag makes it fifty," Nami clarified as she hefted the bag with a squee.

I ran that phrase in my head for a second before giving the navigator a disturbed look. "Did you just figure out how much money that bag has in it with a _glance?!"_

"It's a gift!" she chirped as she swung the sack up onto her shoulder. "Well! I'm going to go and stow this on the Merry. Go take Sanji's place and tell him to get to work!" And with that, she was off.

I blinked as I tried to come to terms with what had just happened before slowly looking at Soundbite. "That woman is way too scary for someone her size."

" _Shh!_ **SHE COULD HEAR YOU!"**

"I wouldn't put it past her..."

Moving past that little scene, I went inside the building where the Monster Trio was waiting.

"Hey Cross!" Luffy waved as he eagerly munched down on some of the leftovers. "Have fun?"

"For a certain degree of the word 'fun', anyways," I tilted my hand side-to-side with a grimace before looking at the other two. "What about you guys?"

Sanji coughed uncomfortably as he refused to meet my eyes. "I... overreacted slightly during the fight and Nami got a bit angry with me. Nothing serious."

I _swear_ I could feel a drop of sweat hang from my head as I took in the mass of bruises that adorned Sanji and Zoro's skulls, as well as a few small cuts on Sanji's face and legs. "Yes... I can see that. Anyways..." I jerked a thumb over my shoulder. "Nami wants us to switch out. Grab a bag and start looting, I'll stay here and keep an eye on these clowns."

"Got it," Sanji nodded as he walked off. "I'll grab some food while we're at it. We're running a bit low... Maybe a few barrels of fresh water too..." And with that he was off, muttering out a growing list the entire way.

I watched him leave for a moment before turning and taking stock of our former attackers. The majority of the bounty hunters were still unconscious, their limbs tied behind their backs with several lengths of rope. However, not all of them were dead to the world. As it was, Mister 9, Mister 8 and Miss Wednesday were all still conscious, if badly bruised, and gagged as well as bound. The trio was showing off their mental clarity by pinning us all with furious glares.

I gave the trio a once-over before glancing at Zoro. "They say anything?"

The swordsman scoffed as he poked around in the house's wreckage for a bottle that was still intact. "Nothing worth listening to, anyways."

I hummed in understanding as I contemplated the Frontier Agents; specifically, Miss Wednesday. The second she caught me looking at her, however, she affixed me with a thunderous _look._ It was quite the expression to behold. In fact, the way she'd been acting the entire time I'd known her actually seemed a bit... familiar...

Wait... could that actually _work?_ It was certainly a _possibility_ , no doubt. After all, Vivi _prided_ herself on _not_ being like _that_ , so maybe...?

There was only one way to find out.

I pointed at Miss Wednesday. "Do you mind if I take her gag out? I want to ask her something."

Luffy and Zoro blinked at me in confusion before shrugging indifferently. "Go ahead."

"Thanks..." I walked up to the bound woman and knelt in front of her, yanking out the cloth lodged between her teeth.

Miss Wednesday spat and gagged for a moment before glaring at me venomously. "What do _you_ want?" she growled.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Vivi was a hell of an actor. If I didn't know the truth about her personality, I'd say she was as much of a bitch as she was making herself out to be.

And it was the sheer disparity between her two personalities that I was banking on.

"What's your name?" I asked.

The 'Agent' cocked her head with a haughty sniff. "Are you daft? You know full well that my name is Miss Wednesday."

I grumbled in exasperation as I rolled my eyes. "Your _real_ name, smartass, not your codename."

I could practically _feel_ Mr. 8's eyes boring into me as the blue-haired woman twitched imperceptibly. "Wh- why do you want to know?"

I shrugged as I maintained my flat stare. "I want to know your family name so that I can confirm a theory I have."

A cold sweat appeared on Miss Wednesday's brow as she swallowed slightly. "What... what are you talking about?"

"You can cut the act, it's written all over you. The way you walk, the way you look at me and my friends, the way you _carry_ yourself..." I tilted my head to the side _just_ so. "You're rich, aren't you?"

 _That_ prompted Wednesday to blink in shock. "I... w-what?"

"Your family, they have plenty of money, don't they?" I clarified. "Every one of your mannerisms is textbook blue-blood behavior, the kind that you learn over the course of your whole life, and that can only mean one thing: you're loaded, and you grew up loaded."

Miss Wednesday flapped her jaw uselessly for a moment as she attempted, _attempted_ to come up with an answer. "W-w-what- What does it matter if my family has money?" Her gaze suddenly turned steely. "Are you looking to hold me for ransom or something, hm? Is that it?"

I couldn't help but smile at the deflection. Smart girl, very impressive. Too bad she was a mile off-base. "Not even remotely. I just wanted to confirm that before asking you my _real_ question: why?" Wednesday blinked in shock, but I pressed on before she could respond. "Why are you here? You have money, you have standing, you _have_ things, period. So why join Baroque Works, hm? Why would a pretty girl like you, someone with everything, be slumming with a nefarious criminal organization? And don't try to tell me this isn't a step down from your usual accommodations."

 _Those_ questions managed to do the job, putting Miss Wednesday on edge and forcing her to avert her gaze. "I... what... why would you _possibly-?"_

" _I want to know,"_ I asserted firmly, leaning to the side so that I was looking at her straight in the face. "Because tonight, I was attacked by people who were acting with full intent to kill, and as such I want to know _why._ I want _some_ kind of motivation, I want to know _why_ someone like _you_ would be so willing to kill me. The rest of these chumps? That's easy: they want to get rich, and at least I can understand the idea, even if I don't even remotely respect it.

"But _you?"_ I jabbed my finger at her. "As I said before, you're loaded. You don't _need_ to lower yourself to base violence to get rich because you already _are._ So what I want to know is why. Why the hell are you here?"

Wednesday bit her lip furiously as she twisted this way and that where she was sitting, wholly unwilling to look at me.

"Was it for the thrill of it?" I demanded. "Were you sick and tired of living a safe and secure life? Because I'll admit, the rush is a _hell_ of a thing. Or maybe it was simply youthful rebellion? Tired of being daddy's precious little _princess,"_ I spat the word, causing Wednesday to flinch. "All the time, wanted to escape your sheltered life?" I cast a disdainful glance at Mr. 9. "I _seriously_ doubt you decided to do it for romance, especially not with him..." I then looked at Mr. 8 with a grimace. "And I _really_ hope not with him."

"MMMPH!" The pair roared furiously beneath their gags, though for different reasons.

Meanwhile, Miss Wednesday was outright squirming in her spot, _clearly_ uncomfortable to the extreme. Just one more push...

I made a show of tensing up as a thought hit me. "Or maybe..." I shot an accusing glare at her. "You _like_ it, don't you?"

Wednesday glanced at me in confusion.

"You _like_ causing pain."

And just like that, horror washed across her face, her entire body tensing up as though she'd been struck by lightning "No..." she breathed numbly..

"That's it, isn't it?" I denounced vehemently. "You _like_ hurting people, you _like_ killing them, hunting them down."

"No, no, no..."

"You like torturing them, ending their lives, gaining their trust and stabbing them in the back the second they least suspect it. The entire reason you're here is that you take _pleasure_ out of the suffering of others, suffering that _you-!"_

" _NO!"_

I jerked back in shock at the sudden scream, barely managing to keep a victorious grin off my face.

Miss Wednesday was long gone, and in her place sat Princess Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta, huffing and panting furiously as she stared at me with equal parts royal fury and honest desperation.

"That is _not_ true!" Vivi spat heatedly. "You think I _like_ doing this? You think I _enjoyed_ causing so much pain? I _hate_ hurting people! I've hated it my entire life! Every second I've been a part of this organization, every _instant_ I've worked for it, I have had to fight against every fiber of my _being_ to keep going! I promise you, there is not _one_ person on the planet who hates Baroque Works more than I do!"

"Then why join!?" I demanded, getting right up in her face. "Why become a part of it, why climb the ranks until you were mere _inches_ away from the top?! What possible purpose did that serve!?"

"Espionage, primarily."

"Although I wouldn't be surprised if there was a little sabotage in there too, kyahaha!"

My blood ran cold as a _very_ familiar pair of voices sounded out behind me, and judging by the way Vivi suddenly paled in absolute terror, my memory wasn't faulty in this regard.

With an _immense_ amount of dread, I slowly stood up and turned around, taking in the duo that were standing out in the street: a dark-skinned man wearing a trenchcoat and a bubbly woman in a yellow lemon-themed sundress carrying a parasol.

"Honestly now, you've been _quite_ busy..." Miss Valentine mused with a grin. "Haven't you, _Princess_ Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta?"

Luffy blinked at the Officer Agents in confusion. "Who the heck are these guys?" He then twisted his head around to look at Vivi. "And you're a princess? For real?"

All Vivi could manage was a panicked whimper as she trembled in place.

Zoro snorted as he looked them over, his right hand clenched around Wado Ichimonji. "More Baroque Works agents, if I had to guess."

"Yeah..." I grit out darkly. "At a glance, I'm going to say... Mr. 5 and Miss... what, April Fool's Day?"

"Kyahaha!" the woman cackled. "Valentine's Day, actually, but good guess! I'm glad to see that my sunny disposition is so impressionable! Just for that, I'll make your death painless!"

"You should consider yourself lucky," Mr. 5 grunted. "Usually she likes to take her sweet time."

"I'm _honored,"_ I drawled sarcastically. Beneath my breath, I hissed at Soundbite out of the corner of my mouth. " _Nice job keeping a lookout!"_

" **I** WAS _listening!"_ the baby snail protested. " **I** _ **heard**_ _THEM_ **coming."**

"Alright you two, enough of the comedy routine," Zoro growled, sliding Wado Ichimonji out of its sheath. "What do you want?"

"What we want isn't important," Mr. 5 sniffed. "What's important is what our boss wants, and what he wants is her _majesty's_ head served to him on a silver platter, along with her keeper-" He jerked his head at Mr. 8. "Igaram, Commander of the Royal Guard of Alabasta."

"Of course, seeing how you all seem to know _so_ much about our organization," Miss Valentine's grin went from ear to ear, showing off her psychopathy at it's fullest. "We'll need to kill you all as well! Nothing personal, kyahahaha!"

"Yes, because that's exactly the kind of reassurance a person wants to hear." I deadpanned before growling at Soundbite. " _Well why the hell didn't you_ say _anything!?"_

" **I** DID _SAY_ **something!"**

Before I could question what he meant, both Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine fell into ready positions.

"Now then..." the male half of the duo started.

"Let's get started, kyahaha!" the woman finished.

They started to move... and promptly jerked simultaneously before falling face-first to the ground.

I blinked in confusion as I tried to process what the _heck_ had just happened. "Uh...?"

" _Kyahahaha!"_ Soundbite cackled. " **I just** DIDN'T SAY IT _to you!"_

"What the hell are you-?!"

" _Hey, guys! You alright down there?"_

I stared at Soundbite for a second as he belted out Usopp's voice before allowing my jaw to drop open in shock. "That... was genius."

" **Thank** _yoooou!"_ he sang in response.

"Tch, cocky little shit..." Zoro grunted as he clicked his sword back into its sheath, not even bothering to hide the smirk he was wearing. "We're fine, Usopp. Nice going."

"Yeah, that was a great shot!" Luffy nodded in agreement.

" _Uh... y-yeah! Of course it was! After all, what else would you expect from The Great-!"_

"We know!" I groaned tiredly. "Look, you can gloat later, when we're out of danger. For now? Soundbite, broadcast to the whole of crew."

One electronic whine later and the snail announced " **You're live!"**

"Sanji, drop what you're doing and hightail it to the Merry, pronto. Nami, if you're still onboard, _stay_ there. We need to meet up as soon as possible."

I glanced between Vivi and Igaram contemplatively.

"We have a _lot_ to talk about."

 **-o-**

"Alright, you two." I crossed my arms with a huff as I leaned against the Merry's thankfully unmolested main mast. "Start talking: just what in the blue hell have we stumbled ass-backwards into?"

After cutting Vivi and Igaram's binds, we all spent a few minutes relocating to Merry's deck, where our crew had encircled the pair of royals and were watching them curiously.

Vivi, with her hair now let down into a looser and far more comfortable-looking ponytail, looked at us desperately for a moment before hanging her head with a heavy sigh. "How much do you all know about the kingdom of Alabasta?"

"Princess!" Igaram attempted to protest.

"They just saved our _lives,_ Igaram! Even after we tried to kill them!" Vivi cut him off firmly. "They have a right to know!"

The Captain of the Guard hesitated for a second before conceding with a slump of his shoulders.

Vivi stared at him for a moment longer before looking back at us. "As I was saying..."

"We've never heard of it," Nami shrugged.

"Believe it or not, a lot of people in the East Blue would probably be surprised to learn the Grand Line actually _has_ kingdoms, much less any kind of person living in it besides pirates," I added.

"I see..." Vivi nodded slowly. "Well, you have to understand: our home, Alabasta, was once known as one of, if not _the_ most peaceful nation on the Grand Line."

Sanji frowned as he gnawed on his cigarette contemplatively. "When you say 'was'..."

"In recent years, the country has been wracked with rebellion," Vivi lamented miserably, her voice filled with pain and misery. "Not the Revolutionaries, they've never had any quarrels with us, but a truly natural one. There have been riots, uprisings, chaos in general... at first, it appeared like my kingdom, my _home_ was tearing itself apart..."

"Until I discovered- ahem, excuse me, ma, ma, _MAH!"_ Igaram recited hastily. "Until I discovered rumors about the criminal organization known as Baroque Works. They have been using their agents to covertly disseminate unrest amongst the populace, turning the people against the crown. I attempted to discover a motive, but... none were forthcoming."

"When I found out about Baroque Works, I came to Igaram for help," Vivi explained. "I wanted to infiltrate the organization so that I could investigate it from the inside, and discover the identity of their leader, as well as his intentions."

"Damn..." Zoro whistled in awe. "Pretty damn gutsy for a princess."

"You will address Princess Vivi with respect, you-!" Igaram started to bluster before Vivi slapped his arm.

"Igaram!" she huffed. "Apologize to Mister Bushido, now!"

Most of the crew, myself included, hastily whipped our hands up to cover the smirks and scoffs we gave out.

"Mister Bushido?" I couldn't help but ask, gently elbowing him in the side.

Zoro's eye twitched as he let out a growl. "Are you...?"

"I apologize, Mister Bushido," Igaram spoke up, nodding firmly at Zoro.

"THAT'S NOT MY NAME, DAMN IT!" the swordsman roared amidst our renewed laughter.

"A-a-anyways, anyways..." I finally managed to get out. "D-did you manage to figure out what they're after?"

And just like that, the good mood died as Vivi's expression sobered. "Yes, we did. The aim of Baroque Works, the entire reason the organization was created, is to conquer Alabasta. They created and exploited the rebellion, and I need to return home as quickly as possible so that I can expose the truth, before my people unwittingly throw themselves into Baroque Works' clutches."

"I see..." Usopp mused. "That's quite the story..."

"So who's the boss?" Luffy asked eagerly.

"Aye!" I nodded in agreement. "Who's patient zero? Or, well, _Mister_ Zero as it were?"

"DON'T ASK US THAT!" Vivi and Igaram shouted simultaneously.

"You must understand, Bawo- ahem, ma, ma, _MAH!_ \- Baroque Works prides itself on secrecy!" Igaram explained hastily. "Mister Zero is already attempting to kill us because we know his identity! Were we to share it with you, then you would become targets as well!"

"Fine by us!" Nami waved her hands hastily with a shaky grin. "We're kind of in over our heads already, I don't want to go any deeper!"

"I do!" I piped up hastily. "This sounds _sweet!"_

"Bring him on!" Luffy grinned as he pounded his fists together.

" _Bring him on! Bring him on!"_ Soundbite parroted eagerly.

"Anyone who hurts someone as beautiful as you deserves to taste my shoe leather, the _hard_ way," Sanji growled.

"Meh, we can take him," Zoro grunted.

"NO WE CAN'T!" Usopp and Nami roared.

"Look, you're all very strong, you've proven that," Vivi replied, her tone and hands raised placatingly. "But I have to agree with those two. You're no match for Sir Crocodile, one of the Seven Warlords of the Sea."

Vivi immediately clapped her hands over her mouth, her eyes wide in horror. Too late, though. We had _all_ heard it. Nami was hugging herself desperately and Usopp had fainted dead away.

"You just told us," Zoro deadpanned, his jaw and brow twitching furiously.

A heavy silence fell over us all as we all stared at Vivi in shock.

Igaram stared at Vivi in shock.

The rest of the crew and I stared at Vivi in shock.

Mr. 13 and Miss Friday stared at Vivi in... well, honestly, they just seemed to stare from where they were perched on the upper deck's railing, the sunglasses made it hard to tell, but they were sure as heck staring nonetheless.

Then they stared at the rest of as we all took notice of them and stared up in surprise.

After a minute, they glanced at each other for a second before Mr. 13 jumped on Friday's back and she took off, the duo soaring into the heavens.

"The bird and the otter! Who are they?!" Nami shrieked, grabbing Vivi by the collar and shaking her back and forth. "Are they going to report us!? Well!?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Vivi whimpered as she let herself hang in Nami's grip, tears streaming down her frozen, mortified face.

"Hear that?" I heard Luffy say excitedly behind me. "One of the seven warlords!"

"Yeah, this could be fun," Zoro replied. I barely resisted the urge to facepalm at the arrogant smirk I could _hear_ in his voice.

"Hmm... Crocodile... usually best cooked from frozen, but I suppose I'll be able to make do with raw as well."

I sent a smirk at Igaram as I patted him on the back. "She needs to work on her impulse control a bit, huh?"

"Princess Vivi..." the Captain moaned piteously, burying his face in his hands.

"I'm so sorry, it just slipped out..." Vivi continued to moan, apparently only half-conscious of what she was saying.

" _Slipped out!?_ Now those bastards are going to try and kill us too!" Nami roared at her before finally tossing the princess away and starting to sob piteously, clutching her face in despair. "Not even a full day into the Grand Line and already one of the Warlords wants us dead! This is too much, too much! What did I ever do to deserve this!?"

"Do you want that list chronologically or alphabetically?" I offered.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"We're lucky, we'll be able to meet him soon."

"I wonder what he's like..."

"Eh, he can't be too tough."

" _THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO!"_ Nami roared at the Monster Trio before turning on her heel and marching away with a huff. "Well, I feel your pain and I'm sorry for the both of you, but this is where we part ways! Hit the road, you two! Cross, help me hoist the sails!"

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion. "Where're we goin'?"

"Anywhere but here! Those bastards don't know what we look like, so we've still got a chance to get away! Now stop lollygagging and hurry-!" Nami cut herself off as she heard the sound of a pencil scratching on paper.

A glance to the side revealed the Unluckies perched back on the ship's railing, with Mr. 13 drawing furiously on a sketchpad. He then proceeded to flip it around and show off a couple pages, each displaying a _scary_ good sketch of one of us, even Soundbite.

"Wow, you're pretty good!" Nami chirped as she clapped her hands eagerly.

"Yeah," I couldn't help but snark up. "Not a bad parlor trick. What else can you do, balance a ball on your nose?"

The otter stared at me flatly for a second before reversing his sketchpad and drawing furiously on it for a minute, flipping through several dozen pages in seconds.

When he was done, he held the book upside down and started to let the pages fall. I blinked in shock at what I saw.

"Wow, a flip book, and with me in it!" I whistled in awe. "Damn that's impressive... so I'm walking along... then I'm getting shot in the leg... and now I'm being disemboweled... and now your partner is... is..." I trailed off as I continued to observe the macabre spectacle. "...Okay, that's just _wrong."_

His job done, 13 leapt back on Friday and they took off anew, soaring towards the horizon.

"PERFECT, NOW THERE'S NOWHERE LEFT TO RUN!" Nami howled furiously.

Oh like hell I was letting this opportunity slip away!

"Not quite!" I growled as I glanced at Soundbite. "Wake him up, now!"

" **BWAAAAAH!"** Soundbite complied, blasting a foghorn across the deck and causing Usopp to scramble awake with a shriek.

"Who-wha-where-!?"

I hastily grabbed Usopp's shoulder and oriented him at the retreating pair of assassins. "Targets at 12-o-clock, priority target, shoot them down, now now now!"

What happened next was, in all honesty, a thing of beauty. In the span of a few scant seconds, Usopp snapped his goggles down, whipped his slingshot up, loaded, took aim, and _fired._

An instant later, the Unluckies jerked in the sky and plummeted, a faint squawk managing to make its way back to us.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I patted the sniper on the shoulder. "Nicely done."

Usopp blinked out at the sea for a second before looking at me in confusion. "Uh... thanks, I think? What just happened?"

"You just got us off scott free!" Nami squeed exuberantly. "Usopp, if you were anyone else I'd kiss you!"

"... I'll take it."

"Er, Nami?" I couldn't help but speak up hesitantly. "It's not that easy. A, we already messed with Baroque Works by taking out this town, so unless you're willing to kill everyone here..."

Nami gained an uncomfortable expression. "Well..."

"And B..." I pointed at Soundbite with a grimace. "You're sailing with the loudest snail in the world, who now knows one of the most _dangerous_ secrets in the world."

"CROC- **O-** _ **DILE,**_ CROC- **O-** _ **DILE,**_ _Mister_ ZERO is CROC- **O-** _ **DILE!"**_ Soundbite piped up helpfully. Well, his version of it, anyways.

Nami's face immediately fell into a massive scowl. "I am _so_ tempted to eat you right now..."

"It's no use, Nami," Zoro smirked as he patted her on the shoulder. "The fact is, one way or another? We're on Baroque Works' hitlist."

"Sounds like fun to me!" Luffy grinned eagerly.

"We're gonna _diiieee..."_ Nami moaned as she slumped on the deck, clutching her knees to her chest.

"I'm so sorry..." Vivi attempted to comfort her desperately, patting her on the back.

"Um, excuse me?" Igaram spoke up hesitantly. "I realize that we have caused you an immense amount of trouble, but if at all possible, I would like to make one final request of you. For the sake of our nation, Princess Vivi must be returned to Alabasta at all haste. As such, I would request that you transport her home upon your ship. You are all quite powerful, so I imagine that you would be able to handle the Agents that will be sent after us with little problem.

"Please!" Igaram shocked us by falling on his hands and knees and bowing deeply. "You will be rewarded most handsomely, just bring our beloved Princess home, I beg of you!"

"Igaram..." Vivi said quietly.

"Nah, don't worry about it!" Luffy said, grinning as he waved his hand in front of his face. "We'll get her home for you, no problem!"

The rest of the crew, myself included, tensed furiously at the statement, casting panicked glances at Nami.

The orange-haired woman sniffled and sobbed for a moment longer before standing up with a sigh and slapping a hand to her forehead. "Well, I guess if those are the captain's wishes than we don't have a choice. Alright, we'll do it."

I gaped at Nami in blatant shock. "Wait, you're not going to lambast Luffy for passing up your chance to name a price to _royalty?!"_

Nami blinked and considered for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Meh, not really. After all..." She suddenly grinned toothily and threw an arm over my shoulders. "You helped me make _quite_ the mint today, big bro! Seventy million berries in a single night? That's practically _unheard of_ outside the bounty hunting business! So..." Nami adopted a contemplative look for a moment. "...Yeah, I'm feeling pretty generous for the moment."

" _Blasphemy..."_ Zoro and Usopp hissed in awe.

"CRAM IT, YOU TWO!"

"Aaaand she's back."

"B-but Igaram!" Vivi protested. "You keep speaking about getting _me_ to Alabasta, keeping _me_ safe, but what about yourself?! I won't just leave you here, I refuse!"

Igaram smiled kindly as he laid a hand on her shoulder. "Fear not, my princess, we shall meet again in Alabasta. You see, I have a plan."

 **-o-**

"That was one of the most terrifying things I've ever seen..." Sanji grit out, puffing on two cigarettes at once as we watched Igaram set sail.

"I guess, but still, you've gotta admit, doing something like that takes real guts," Usopp noted.

"Mmm... yeah, I guess you're right..." the cook conceded.

As our decoy set out into the night, I took the opportunity to tap Vivi on the shoulder to get her attention. "Listen..." I scratched the back of my head sheepishly as I spoke. "About what I said earlier? I'm _really_ sorry about all that. I was coming off an adrenaline high and _something_ didn't feel right about it all, so..."

"No no, it's fine," Vivi raised her hands placatingly. "You weren't in a right state of mind, it's alright. Honestly, I'm grateful. If you hadn't made me break character then, I probably wouldn't have until it was far too late. As it stands..." She smiled gratefully at me. "Without you, neither Igaram or I would still be alive."

I made to respond...

BOOM! _FWOOSH!_

And was cut off by the horizon becoming _fire_.

I was slightly aware of a strangled sound crawling out of my throat as I stared at the nigh-unholy bonfire that was lighting up the night. Two pressing questions jumped at me: first, how in holy hell did Igaram survive _that?!_ And second, what the _hell_ did Robin do, detonate a metric ton of water-resistant explosives on top of an underwater volcano or something!?

"THEY GOT TO HIM ALREADY!?" Usopp squawked in panic.

"What kind of monsters are these people?" Sanji breathed as his cigarettes slipped from his lips in shock.

" **Hooooly** _SHIT,"_ Soundbite hissed in agreement.

Luffy snorted murderously as he stared out at the blaze. "Damn it... I LIKED THAT GUY!"

"Nami, how's the Log Pose?" Zoro demanded.

"I-It's set," Nami stammered as she checked the instrument.

"Good. Then we need to set sail immediately," he grunted as he turned on his heel and started to run towards town. "Get moving! The ship's not gonna sail itself!"

And so we all started running towards the Merry... all except for one.

"Vivi, come on!" Nami shook the princess desperately, trying to break her out of her stupor. "We need to get out of here, if they find us-!"

"Nami," I cut her off hastily, pointing out the line of blood that was starting to trail down Vivi's too-tight lip.

Nami stared at Vivi in shock for a second before hastily wrapping her up in a hug, rubbing her back soothingly. "It's alright! We will _definitely_ get you to Alabasta, I promise!" she swore firmly. "I realize that the guys don't seem like much... but they managed to save the East Blue all on their own! A Warlord of the Sea?" She scoffed derisively. "That's _nothing!"_

Noticing how she was still staring at the fire with dead eyes, I hastily stepped into her line of sight. "Don't look at that, Vivi, don't even _think_ about it. Think about Alabasta, think about your friends, think about your family. Think about every reason you have to stay alive. Think about making those bastards _pay!"_

 _That_ managed to snap Vivi out of her stupor as she sucked in a ragged breath, forcing herself to clench her eyes shut and look away. "C... Carue... w-w-we can't leave without Carue!"

I adopted an expression of despair. " _Please_ tell me you don't mean that 9 guy, if I need to stay on a ship with him any longer than I have to..."

"N-no, no!" Vivi shook her head firmly. "Carue's a duck, a _supersonic_ duck. I lost track of him in the fight! I-I've known him my whole life, I can't leave without him!"

"Soundbite?" I glanced at my snail.

Soundbite listened for a moment before blinking in surprise. " _Hiding_ **on** _**THE MERRY!"**_

"What?! By why would- Ah, right!" Vivi slapped her forehead in realization. "Of course, last place he thought you'd ever look."

"Well come on!" Nami spun Vivi around and gave her a shove. "No more waiting, we need to go, now!"

Vivi stumbled forwards, sparing a final glance at the raging inferno before running at full tilt.

Nami blew out a heavy sigh as we followed behind the Princess. "She's a strong girl..."

"This is about more than just keeping our word now, isn't it?" I asked quietly. "This... this just became _personal."_

Nami nodded in agreement, a dark scowl painting her face. "Crocodile, and Baroque Works... doing something like this to her after all they've done to her kingdom? To her _people?_ ...Yeah. This is _very_ personal."

I snorted darkly as I looked back ahead, doing the best I could to ignore the slight burning sensation in my chest as I picked up my pace slightly. "Then let's get it done!"

A scant minute of running later and we were back onboard the Merry, with the rest of the guys scrambling to get the sails set and Vivi hugging her oversized duck gratefully.

"I'm _so_ happy you're safe, Carue!" she mumbled into his feathers. "I... I can't imagine what I'd do if I'd lost you too!"

Carue rubbed his childhood friend's back soothingly with one of his wings as he opened his beak. "Qua - on't ever leave you, I pwomise!"

Vivi sniffed as she rubbed his neck gratefully. "Thank you, Carue, you have no idea how much that means to-!"

She, as well as everyone _else_ on board, promptly froze as we processed what the _hell_ had just happened.

Finally, most everyone simply jumped back in shock as they stared at Carue. "YOU CAN TALK!?"

"I CAN TAWK!?" Carue quacked in agreement.

"Pff..."

The reason I said most everyone jumped was that I didn't do the same. Why you ask? Simple.

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I was too busy roaring with laughter as I rolled on the deck, tears flowing and gut heaving as I laughed and laughed and _laughed,_ and Soundbite was right there with me.

"WHAT THE HELL IS SO FUNNY!?" everyone else roared at me, Carue included.

That only got me laughing even _harder_ as I fought to lift a hand and point at Carue. "D-DUCK! DUCK! PFFHAHAHAHAAA!"

"WHAT'S WONG WITH ME BEING A DUCK!?" Carue squawked indignantly.

"N-N-NO!" I managed to get through my howls. "D-D-DONALD! _DONALD_ DUCK! Y-YOU'RE SPEAKING IN _DONALD DUCK'S VO-O-OICE,_ HAHAHAHAAAAA!"

"Who the heck is Donald Duck!?" Nami demanded.

"A-a comedian back home!" I wheezed helplessly. "H-he played this guy with a makebelieve Duck-Zoan Devil Fruit! His recordings are _cla-a-assics!_ C-Carue's speaking in his voice, it's... HAHAHA! Oh man, it's like my _childhood_ is speaking to me!"

"B-but how is that possible!?" Vivi stammered in confusion.

"I think I've got an idea..." Nami mused as she looked at the still-cackling Soundbite.

The baby transponder took a moment to get his laughter back under control before nodding eagerly. "I'M _TRANSLATING_ **for** _**HIM!**_ _I'M being_ **creative!** I'm _halping!_ "

"Nice... nice work, Soundbite!" I wheezed as I managed to work my way back up to my feet. "That's _exactly_ what I was talking about!"

"Well, thanks for letting me shpeak and evewything," Carue said before scowling and flapping his wings energetically. "But does it weally have ta be in _thish_ voish!?"

" _YES!"_ Soundbite and I roared simultaneously, alongside a cackling Luffy.

"Man, your duck's great, Vivi!" Luffy laughed.

"Say 'she sells sea shells' _PFFHAHAHA!"_ I roared.

Carue promptly devolved into a series of murderous and _very_ familiar-sounding grumbling, which only served to set me off once anew.

" _OH WOULD YOU SHAD-UACK!"_

I blinked in surprise as Carue suddenly devolved into traditional squawking. "What the-? Soundbite, why did you- SOUNDBITE!?" I yelled in shock as I stared at my _very_ empty shoulder.

"What the-!? Where the hell did that little pest go!?" Usopp demanded.

"Shitshitshitshit..." I cursed vehemently as I patted myself down. "Where could he have gone?!"

"Maybe he fell off while he was laughing?"

"No, you don't know Soundbite," I denied as I continued looking around. "He's damn good at multi-tasking, he wouldn't let go without a damn good rea-!" I trailed off into a choked gurgle as for the second time that night a familiar voice sounded behind me.

Moving _very_ slowly, cautious and ready to jerk at the sign of _any_ extra weight on my body, I slowly got to my feet and turned around.

And there she was, sitting on the upper deck's railing, clad in a cowboy-themed uniform that displayed a _very_ generous amount of skin.

She had many names and titles. Devil's Child, sole survivor of Ohara, archaeologist, assassin, pirate, and most likely so many more.

Weighing in at a hefty 79 _million,_ her bounty served to rightfully denote her as one of, if not _the_ most deadly person on our ship at the moment.

One day, she would be a crewmate. One day, I would call her my friend, and we would most likely smile and laugh and cry right alongside one another.

But right here, right now?

At this moment, this woman was my enemy, _our_ enemy... and she'd done _something_ to Soundbite.

And there was nothing I could do about it.

"Hello there," Nico Robin purred coyly. "I'm Miss All Sunday. Pleased to meet you."


	9. Chapter 9 - Whiskey Peak Pt 3

**Chapter 9**

The first few seconds of the encounter, I focused on keeping my thoughts firm and logical: ' _She won't hurt him, he's just a snail, she probably just wanted to shut him up before he actually thought to listen again - going to need to talk to him about that - so he's fine. I just need to be calm, wait my turn, and very_ politely _ask if I could have him back please.'_

The next few seconds, I became aware that my mouth was moving without my explicit control. I only managed to catch the tail end of what I was saying, but the general gist could be summarized as "where the hell is my snail you bitch".

The _next_ second, my thought process could be summarized as the phrase ' _Goddamn it, mouth.'_

Robin cocked an eyebrow at me, though her expression was otherwise studiously disinterested. "Well now, that was quite a rude greeting."

"CROSS!" Sanji snarled as he stomped towards me. "How _dare_ you talk to a woman like that!?"

I briefly considered apologizing for my behavior... but I swiftly dismissed it in favor of snarling back at the cook. "I don't care if she's Miss goddamn Universe, _she just did something to Sound-_ ACK!"

Before I could work myself into a right proper rant, I was cut off by the swift and sudden obstruction of my air supply. Whipping my hands up to scrabble at my throat, I swiftly identified the problem: a set of foreign fingers that were as iron-hard as they were young and smooth and firmly crushing my windpipe.

"Mister Jeremiah?" Vivi asked in concern. "Mister Jeremiah, what's wrong!?"

For some reason, even as I heaved and thrashed in a marginally successful effort to keep myself upright and inhale _any_ amount of fresh air, the only thing I could think was ' _Do I look like an octogenarian to you!?'_

"Oh, nothing much, really," I heard Robin's voice say in unconcerned manner. "He's just learning a lesson on manners is all."

Honestly, I could only _imagine_ what this looked like to the crew. To the world, it must have appeared that I was choking on thin air, but the truth was far more terrifying: in a deft display of her mastership over her powers, Robin had _somehow_ managed to sprout an arm within the lining of my jacket, most likely by momentarily affixing one of her eyes to my shirt, and had snaked it up along my chest in order to set it to start throttling me.

In most situations, I would probably be impressed by the feat. As it was, however, I was a bit put off on account of how I was being _choked like a bitch._

I staggered slightly as I tried to wrench the fingers open. I _really_ hoped no one did anything monumentally stupid any time soon, otherwise-

"LET GO OF MY COMMIE!"

Sometimes, I'm not even sure why I bothered.

I was _barely_ able to catch sight of Luffy leaping up at Robin, but I _definitely_ saw Robin slide over a mere foot to her right, thus allowing my captain to sail right past her. A moment later, Luffy's very panicked and _very_ outraged cries sounded back to us, though they swiftly became muffled.

"My my... you're quite the rambunctious lot, aren't you?"

"Why you-!" I could hear the rest of the crew snarl furiously, the sounds of weapons being drawn sounding out for a moment before being replaced by the sounds of those same weapons hitting the deck.

"Hmph... could you please not point such dangerous things at me? It's quite rude."

"Hrrrgrrghh..." I gargled out rebelliously.

"Please, stop!" Vivi pleaded desperately. "I'll do anything you want, just let Mister Jeremiah go!"

"Hmm... very well..." I could practically _hear_ the smug in Robin's voice. If I wasn't currently being strangled to death, I might have done something about that. "You just need to do one thing."

"Name it!"

The air of smug _somehow_ intensified immensely. "Thank me."

" _WHAT!?"_

"Thank me for helping you. After all, I helped you identify Mister Zero, didn't I?"

"You're the one who told Crocodile that we'd found out about him in the first place!"

"And that's _all_ I did. Well, apart from disposing of Mr. 8, of course. I believe that that qualifies as being extremely generous, no?"

" _YOU KILLED IGARAM!?"_

Robin's weary sigh echoed slightly on the edge of my hearing. "My my, you do love to nitpick, don't you? Instead of asking questions of me, perhaps you should be asking yourself how much air you think your friends' 'Commie' has left, hm?"

Oh _hell_ no. Future crewmate or not, there was no freudian excuse on the goddamn _planet_ valid enough to make me sit around and let this cocky _bitch_ \- and indeed, at this moment she was _definitely_ acting like a bitch - use me as goddamn _leverage!_

As the very edges of my vision started to turn _ever_ so slightly black, I renewed my scrabbling at the grip on my throat, trying to make _any_ kind of difference. Unfortunately, however, either I was way weaker than I thought I was, or Robin exercised her hands with _religious_ fervor.

...Not like that! God, no. That was the last thing I needed on my mind at the moment.

Just as things started tunneling before me, I managed to find _some_ form of leverage, wrapping my fingers around a lone protrusion of flesh I could feel.

In a final burst of desperation, I wormed both my hands around the protrusion and _yanked_ as hard as I could.

Never before had the sound of a thumb joint disintegrating into shredded ligament brisket sounded so genuinely _appealing_.

The next instant, the limb evaporated into ethereal flower petals and I _breathed,_ inhaling what felt like ten lungfuls of air at once before coughing heavily enough to _expel_ one of those selfsame lungs. "Crazy... bloody... _demon witch..."_ I wheezed.

"Cross! Are you alright?!" Usopp asked as he rushed to my side and helped support me.

"Y- _hurk..."_ I wheezed miserably as I massaged my aching throat. "Yeah, I'm fine..." I sent an acrid glare up at Robin, who I was gratified to see was shaking her hand out with a marginally annoyed frown. "I'll be better once she's gone and Soundbite's back."

"Yeah, I hear y- wait a... Cross, stand _very_ still."

"Say wha-?" I tried to look over my shoulder at him in confusion, but my attention was diverted by a voice that I was rapidly coming to associate with the phrase 'enjoying this _way_ too goddamn much'.

"Well now," Robin purred in a dangerous tone. "I suppose I should admire you for your tenacity, if nothing else. But really, I thought that much would have been enough. After all, it's not like you cut the most _impressive-"_

"FIRE STAR!"

"Ah- _Agh!"_ /"YEARGH!"

Both Robin and I yelped simultaneously as Usopp _set the back of my goddamned coat on fire_ , with Robin flinching for a second before cringing in pain while I howled in shock and hastily ripped the flaming cloth off my back.

"WHAT THE HELL-?!" I made to roar in Usopp's face...

"LONG-NOSED _BED-WETTING_ **SEA-KING-SHAGGING** _ **ASSHAT!"**_

When a _very_ familiar-sounding rant came from the smoldering remains of my coat.

"Soundbite!" I yelped, hastily grabbing a safe part of the cloth and shaking it enough to dislodge a slightly charred but otherwise whole checker-patterned snail shell from what was left of the hood. I hastily scooped the baby snail up and dusted him off as best I could. "Soundbite, are you alright?"

The gastropod's eyestalks poked out of his shell, alongside a puff of smoke and a slight cough. "BEEN BETTER, _but I'll live._ " He turned his eyestalks on Usopp in a heated glare. " _No thanks_ TO HIM."

"What?" Usopp scoffed. "You're a tough snail, you can handle a little fire, can't ya?"

" _ **BITE ME!"**_ my snail roared at a nigh-deafening volume.

I cast a flat glare at Usopp. "Did you actually _know_ he was in there?"

The sniper elected to shrug innocently in response. "I saw _something_ moving in your hood, I just decided not to take any chances. Simple as that."

I blinked as I processed the statement for a moment before casting a surreptitious glance up at Robin. As I suspected, she was currently waving out one of her arms, which was now sporting both an array of light burns _and_ , I was pleased to note, what appeared to be a bitemark that encircled her thumb.

So she'd sprouted her hand in my hood, swiped Soundbite when I wasn't looking, and stashed him mere _inches_ from being literally beneath my nose while keeping him both still _and_ silent. Damn... I might have feared and resented Robin at the moment, but _hell_ if I couldn't respect her, if for nothing more than her skills.

"Hmph..." Robin sniffed as she gingerly flexed her hand, giving us a look that held what appeared to be a _hint_ of begrudging respect, if nothing else. "Well, it appears you're all at least a _little_ interesting after all. For the record, I'm not here on assignment. I have no reason to fight you, I merely wished to talk. The only reason I took your little snail was that I didn't want him noticing me before I was ready. I must say, he's quite the..." Her thumb twitched imperceptibly. " _Turbulent_ fellow, isn't he?"

"Took your thumb clean off, huh?" I asked with a smirk. If the way her thumb twitched again was anything to go by, I was dead on the money.

" **And** _I'm_ hungry **FOR** _MORE!"_ Soundbite snarled with a malevolent, toothy grin.

"Keep talking like that to a woman as beautiful as her and you'll wind up on the menu, crap-snail," Sanji warned darkly.

"Sanji, would you mind doing me a favor?"

"Yes, Nami-Swan~?"

"Just this once? _Drop it."_

"ERK! Y-yes, my dear... _hurk!_ "

"...Did you seriously just cough up _blood?"_

"Cram it, Zoro, I'm currently at war with myself!"

"And I thought you were pathetic before, crap cook."

"SHOVE IT, MARIMO! MY NATURAL INSTINCTS ARE FIGHTING EACH OTHER TO THE DEATH HERE!"

"Hahahaha!" The argument was broken up by the sound of Robin laughing lightly into her unmolested hand. "It seems I need to correct myself; you're all quite interesting indeed."

"RAAAGH!"

Without missing so much as a beat, Robin slid to the side on the railing, allowing Luffy to leap past where she'd been just moments before and tumble across the main deck for a second before flipping back to his feet.

"And you're the most interesting of all, aren't you?" she chuckled, a slight glimmer of... _something_ shining in her eyes as she examined Luffy. "Captain of the Straw Hat Pirates, Monkey D. Luffy."

"RAAAGH! SHUT UP!" Luffy bellowed furiously. "I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! YOU HURT MY CREW, AND YOU TIED ME UP IN KNOTS!"

"Was only a matter of time until _someone_ tried it..." I muttered, more to myself than anyone.

"SHE- _ **WITCH,**_ SHE- _ **WITCH!"**_ Soundbite bit out furiously.

"Hmph..." Robin chuckled. "Still, no matter how much interest you promise, your luck is even worse. You're all being hunted by Baroque Works because you befriended a princess, and you, poor princess, only have a pirate crew for protection. Though of course..." Her grin widened even further. "Your next destination is the worst luck of all." Aaaaaand then her grin became outright _demonic._ "Little Garden. One of the few islands on the Grand Line that guarantees I needn't bother with killing you at all. After all, you'll never be a threat to Baroque Works ever again."

"SAYS YOU!" Luffy roared furiously at her.

"Says me indeed. Unless, of course..." There was a momentary blur at Robin's side before an object was tossed out at Vivi, who nearly muffed the catch but held on nevertheless.

"What is it?" Carue quacked cautiously as he peered over Vivi's shoulder.

"An... an Eternal Pose!" Vivi gasped in surprise.

"Indeed," Robin nodded with an only borderline-evil smile. "That Pose leads to Nanimonai Island, an island just one stop away from Alabasta. With that Pose, you can avoid many of the dangers of the sea, and it's a relatively unknown route to boot. You'd be unmolested by our agents the entire way."

"Wait..." Nami blinked in confusion. "So she's _helping_ us?"

"But... why would you possibly give this to us!?" Vivi demanded incredulously.

"It's probably a trap," Zoro posited blandly.

"Personally, I say it's more like she's toying with us," I suggested matter-of-factly.

"Eitha' way, I don't twust her as faw as I can thwow her..." Carue grumbled as he shot the evil eye at the woman.

"D-d-ditto..." Usopp gulped nervously.

Soundbite's response was to growl and snarl murderously in a manner not unlike a rabid hound.

As we made our suggestions, Vivi was silent, contemplating the Eternal Pose with a carefully composed expression.

However, before she could say anything, Luffy snatched the Pose out of her hands with a huff. "Who asked you?"

And with that, he effortlessly crunched the Pose in his grip.

Barely a second passed before Nami kicked him square in the face. "HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND!?" she screeched incredulously.

"Is she sewious?" Carue hissed out of the corner of his beak.

"Hard to tell..." Usopp replied.

"CRAM IT, YOU TWO!" our navigator roared at the two of them, prompting them to cower before her righteous fury. Nami then proceeded to redirect her ire back at Luffy. "She just gave us an easy out! What if she was actually _helping_ us!?"

"Doesn't matter!" Luffy huffed with a scowl. "Nobody's going to decide what our course is for us!"

 _That_ drew a moment of shock from everyone, during which they were forced to re-evaluate their opinions of Luffy.

"But... I... ah..." Nami stammered helplessly in search of a response.

"Captain's orders, Nami," I grinned as I clapped her on the shoulder. "Wouldn't want to be accused of mutiny, would you?"

"Yeah, _Nami."_ Our navigator shivered as Zoro suddenly appeared on her other side, mirroring my own actions, albeit with a tighter grip. "You _do_ know what the traditional punishment is for mutiny, right?"

"STRING _her_ **UP!** STRING _her_ **UP!"** Soundbite crowed with a chortle.

"But-but-but-but-!" Nami sputtered as she snapped her eyes between Zoro and I rapidly for a moment before scowling and slapping us both upside the head. "Jerks!" she huffed as she stomped away from us, a luminescent blush and a rather adorable pout decorating her face.

Despite the stinging throb that was pounding at the back of my head, I couldn't help but snicker as Nami marched off. "Is it just me, or does she make things too easy sometimes?"

"FUN _fun_ **fun** _FUN!"_ Soundbite concurred.

"You have no idea, brat," Zoro smirked in agreement.

"Ah well..." Robin sighed with a smile as she stood up and strutted over to the side of the Merry. "That's just too bad. There's really nothing I can do to convince you otherwise?"

"No way!" Luffy stuck his tongue out in protest. "You blew up the roller guy, so I don't like you!"

"OH CRAM IT, WILL YOU!?" Nami snarled as she rammed a firm chop on Luffy's head.

"Oh, it's alright, I don't mind," Robin chuckled. "I've heard worse. We'll meet again one day, Straw Hat Luffy. If you survive, anyways."

"I hope not," Luffy snorted.

With a final chuckle, Robin vaulted over the side of the Merry, falling out of sight. Running to the edge of the ship, I looked over and caught sight of Robin seating herself on a shaded sofa positioned on the back of a rather large turtle wearing a cowboy hat and smoking a cigarette.

Come to think of it, what had happened to that thing after Alabasta?

"Let's go, Bunchi," she ordered calmly, to which the turtle responded with a snort.

Thinking fast, I hastily piped up. "HEY!"

Robin glanced up at me with a vague hint of curiosity.

"We _will_ meet again, 'Miss All Sunday'," I promised. "And after we do, one day," I tilted my head back and indicated my neck. "I _will_ get you back for this."

Robin blinked in surprise before smiling in challenge. "Is that so?"

I shot back a wide grin of my own. "You can count on it."

Robin's grin widened a hint more before she turned around and gave some unseen command to her turtle, prompting it to accelerate away.

I cocked an eyebrow as I watched our future crewmate sail into the distance. Big words from me, and I knew that they were true, sure... there was just one problem with them: I had absolutely _no_ idea as to how the hell I was going to get back at her.

...eh, ah well. I'll just do the same thing I've been doing this entire time: make it up as I go along.

"Woooow, cool turtle!" I was broken out of my thoughts by Luffy whistling in awe. "And it's a big one too!"

"Argh!" Vivi suddenly cried out, rubbing her temples furiously.

"Huh?" Luffy blinked back at the Princess in confusion. "What's wrong? Do you not like turtles or something?"

"No, no..." Vivi growled out in frustration. "I... that woman is almost as secretive as Crocodile, if not more so. I just wish I knew _what_ her game was."

"At a glance," I made a show of looking back the way Robin had gone. "I'm going to say... baccarat?"

 _That_ drew a flurry of squawky-cackling from Carue, which subsided almost as quickly when Vivi sent a cold glare at him. "What? That was funny!"

"Thank you, thank you, I'll be here forever!" I gave a mock-bow.

" _You've been warned, people!"_ Soundbite snorted with a grin.

"You stole that from Futurama," I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.

" _NOT THE FIRST,_ **not the last!"** Soundbite muttered back.

"Anyways..." Nami patted Vivi's back consolingly. "She's gone for now and we probably won't have to deal with her until we reach Alabasta. It's no use worrying about it until then, right?"

Vivi chewed her lip sadly for a moment, but nodded in agreement nevertheless.

"Besides," Zoro scoffed as he worked one of the lines to Merry's mainsail. "It's not like this is anything new for us. We deal with scheming women on a daily basis."

"Oh Sanji~."

"Of course, Nami-swan~!"

THWACK!

"OW!"

"DON'T SAY SUCH THINGS ABOUT NAMI-SWAN, MARIMO!"

"EAT THE CRAP YOU COOK AND DIE, SHIT-CHEF!"

"Is it always this cwazy awound heeyah?" Carue asked Luffy quietly as he carefully watched the brawl go down.

"Allow me to answer that question!" I offered eagerly before proceeding to smash my fist down over Usopp's skull.

"OUCH! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!?" the sniper howled.

"FOR SETTING ME ON FIRE, JACKASS!" I shouted back.

"YEAH!" Soundbite concurred.

"THAT WAS MY FAVORITE GODDAMN JACK- _OUCH!"_ I winced as Soundbite proceeded to do his level best to chew my ear off.

"Ah... excuse me?"

The commotion ground to a halt as Vivi hesitantly spoke up, all of us looking at her questioningly.

"I... I just want to apologize for all of this," Vivi explained somberly as she rubbed her arm. "I... I'm putting you all in danger by being here, so..."

"Excuse me?" Nami stated flatly before poking Vivi's forehead with an annoyed expression. "The reason we're in danger is because of what you _said._ If you didn't want us to be in danger, you shouldn't have told us that Mister Zero was a freaking _Warlord."_

Vivi flinched slightly before looking away with in embarrassment. "I said I was sorry..."

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Our navigator rolled her eyes with a smile. "The reason you're here is that we made a deal with Igaram, and I always make sure to pay back my deals."

"LIES!" I and everyone who wasn't Sanji or Luffy roared in response.

"OH SHUT UP!" Nami snarled back at us. "I might skew deals in my favor every once in awhile, but I still fulfill them!"

"Right, 'once in awhile'..." Zoro snorted.

Nami flipped her middle finger at the swordsman before smiling at Vivi anew. "But anyways, don't worry about a thing. We'll get you home, no matter what. Right, Luffy?"

"Hey, Sanji, I'm hungry! Cook us dinner!"

"You just ate, dipshit!"

"So?"

"Ergh..."

"Actually, Luffy, it's - _ahhh..."_ I interrupted myself with a wide yawn as I rubbed my eyes drearily, my tiredness suddenly catching up with me all at once. "It's a bit... make that _really_ late for dinner. Does anyone know what time it is?"

"Uh..." Usopp wracked his brain for a second before holding himself up on Merry's railing. "I think o'dark thirty at night? Definitely past midnight..."

"We've been up all night..." Nami groaned as she kneaded the bridge of her nose miserably.

"No way in hell we can keep going for long..." I grumbled to myself before clapping my hands firmly. "Alright, how about this? We sail for a bit to get away from Whiskey Peak, then we drop anchor and sleep until sunrise?"

"But I'm hungraaaa _aaaaah..."_ Luffy's whining was cut off as it slowly morphed into a jaw-stretching yawn. He blinked blearily for a second before slumping his shoulders with a sigh. "Yeah, alright, fine. I'll just grab a snack before going to bed."

Sanji hastily clamped a hand down on our captain's shoulder. " _I'll_ make you a snack, Luffy."

"But it won't be a looot..."

"It won't be half our supplies either, that's for damn sure."

"That's the problem..."

"GLUTTON!" Soundbite snickered.

"Alright, enough fun and games," Zoro announced tiredly. "Let's get out of here and hit the hay."

"Aye-aye to that..." I mumbled in agreement.

A few minutes of work later, the cactus rocks of Whiskey Peak disappeared into the dark horizon and I allowed my consciousness to slip into darkness as I practically fell into my hammock.

 **-o-**

I was awoken the next morning at the time "half past way-too-frikkin'-early" by the once-pleasant sound of Vivi's voice, which didn't sound nearly so pleasant at max volume while trying to sleep.

"-et up! The sky is starting to light up, you need to wake up already!"

"Not until the sun is actually up and not a second sooner..." I moaned miserably as I curled up in my hammock.

"But you need to man the sails! The sea-!"

"Soundbite, can you hear any icebergs or Sea Kings coming at us?" I whined tiredly.

" _ **Noooo..."**_ Soundbite echoed out of his shell.

"Now, unless we're about to fall off the end of the earth, then please, let me _sleeeeep_..."

"I agree with the brat..." Zoro grumbled.

"I apologize, Princess, but I'm siding with snail-mail on this one..." Sanji concurred.

"Long live the Commie..." Usopp piped up.

"Meeeeat..." Luffy drooled slightly.

For a single, sweet, _glorious_ moment, there was silence. Then...

"Oh Ca~rue~"

"Mwaaa...?"

"You still like Katorean bread, right?"

"...yeah?"

"Well, I still have some saved up right here," My heart dropped as I heard the sound of a crinkling bag ring out. "I was _going_ to hold onto it for an appropriate time, buuut if you were to help me get these guys awake..."

"QUAWAWAWAAAACK!"

"YEAR-!" THUMP! "OUCH!" I yelped in pain and panic as a flailing supersonic duck rammed into me and spun me out of my hammock, dumping me onto the ground, followed swiftly by the rest of the guys.

" _Ungrateful_ _**FOWL!"**_ Soundbite howled viciously.

"Cwam it, pintsize!" Carue huffed as he crossed his wings petulantly. "Kantowean bwead is dewicious! I have no wegwets! Also, gwateful?! I sound wike a fweaking kid on hewium! _Change my voice alweady!"_

"AFTER _THIS!?_ _ **NEVER!"**_

"Carue, I'd say I was sorry about you just screwing yourself out of a better voice, but honestly?" I couldn't help but shoot a smirk at the duck. "Considering the circumstances... yeah, I'm not even remotely sorry. All in favor?"

"Aye!" four very frustrated and tired voices cried out in agreement.

"But-but-but-!... awwww _fiddleshticks..._ WILL YOU STOP WAUGHING AT ME ALWEADY!?"

"Only when you stop emphasizing your speech impediment."

" _I DON'T HAVE A FWEAKING SPEECH IMPEDIMENT!"_

"You do now!" I chortled.

"Vi- _viiii..."_ Carue whined up at the princess miserably.

"Sorry, Carue," Vivi giggled. "To be fair, you _did_ knock them out of bed."

"Because you asked me to!"

"And here's your reward for it." Vivi tossed a few slices of bread down onto the duck, which he started nomming on tearfully. "Now would you all _please_ get up here already?"

"Do we have any other choice?" I growled more to myself than anyone as I plunked Soundbite down on my shoulder and climbed the ladder out of our room.

"Hey, Sanji! I'm hungry! Make us breakfast!" Luffy whooped as he leapt out ahead of me.

"On it," Sanji nodded as he started to stride towards the kitchen. "Pastries and bacon with sweetened tangerine juice, coming up. Cross, no pulp for you, right?"

"Hallelujah, the man knows me!" I cried out in relief.

"Mm... what's with all the racket?" Nami groaned as she poked her head out of the storage room, still clad in her pajamas.

"Ah, good morning Nami-swan!" Sanji gushed eagerly. "I'm on my way to make breakfast, would you care for anything special?"

"Uh...?" Nami blinked blearily as she processed what Sanji had said. "No, I think I'm good... wait, Vivi, you were actually _serious_ about waking up at this hour!?"

"Of course I was!" Vivi sputtered incredulously. "I mean, this is the _Grand Line!_ It's dangerous around here! We can't underestimate it for even a moment!"

Nami paled slightly before casting a fearful glance at me. "Cross?"

A glance at Soundbite awarded me with a shake of his head. "Still no icebergs, Nami."

"Oh thank god..." Nami sagged in relief.

"There won't _be_ anymore icebergs!" Vivi huffed furiously. "Or at least, there won't be anything as psychotic as what we went through earlier! That stretch of sea is just insane because of Reverse Mountain's conflicting magnetic fields. But nonetheless, the Grand Line is _still_ dangerous! You can't even relax for a moment!"

"Oh, come on!" Usopp scoffed. "What's the worst that could happen?" I didn't even bother hiding my wince at the phrase.

"I don't know!" Vivi flung her arms up in frustration. "That's the exact problem! _Anything_ could happen! As such, you _need_ to be ready at all times!"

As if in response, Sanji swept out of the Merry's kitchen, brandishing an array of plates and glasses with nigh inhuman balance. "Breakfast is ready!"

"Suh-weet!" I crowed as I made to scoop up one of the plates. "Thank you, love cook!"

"Actually, _this_ one's yours." Sanji twisted himself slightly as he handed me a plate that seemed to have double the bacon others had, as well as a bowl of greens.

"Whaaaat? Aw c'mon, I get the veggies are for Soundbite, but how come Cross gets more meat?!" Luffy whined petulantly.

"Because Crocus said Cross needs plenty of protein to help fix him, that's why!" Sanji barked before rolling his eyes and twisting himself _again_ to proffer another plate to the rubberman, this one with even more bacon than mine had. "And besides, you're getting plenty of bacon as is."

"WOOHOO!" Luffy crowed as he snatched up the plate and a glass before striding over to plop down on his special seat between Merry's horns.

"Oh, and here." Sanji lifted his foot and offered me a glass. "It'll taste a little weird, but that's because of the bonemeal ground up in it for additional calcium."

I shrugged as I took the glass. "Hey, whatever gets me up to speed faster."

"And before I forget, there are two bowls of lettuce waiting in the fridge. You know, for the baby transponder snails."

"Thanks, I'll check on them once I'm through with breakfast." I nodded at him in thanks before wandering over to one of the railings and relaxing against it as I chowed down, plopping Soundbite down next to the lettuce bowl, which he proceeded to dig into with gusto.

Noticing Carue nibbling on his bread nearby, I waved in an attempt to catch his attention. "Hey, Carue?"

The supersonic duck shot me a sidelong glare. "What?"

I raised my hands in surrender. "Just for the record, the only reason I don't get Soundbite to change the voice he's giving you is that I _can't_ make him do what I say if he really doesn't want to do it."

" **Got that right!"** Soundbite piped up.

"So..." I proffered a piece of one of my pastries. "Peace offering?"

Carue eyed the baked good warily for a moment before snapping it up into his beak and chewing it morosely. "...I'm not _weawwy_ mad about the voice..." he grumbled. "It's just annoying that you keep waughing at it is all..."

"And if it really bothers you then yeah, I'll stop. But still..." I shot the duck a cheeky grin. "You've got to admit, the voice _is_ pretty funny."

Carue considered the statement for a moment before covering his snickering beak with one of his wings. "Yeah... awright, so it's a _widdle_ funny..."

I slowly widened my smirk. "So, can I convince you to tell me about the little girl who sells sea shells-?"

"Aw, go ta hell!" Carue cackled as he cuffed the side of my head with his wing.

"A-are they supposed to be doing that!?" Vivi demanded furiously as she indicated us all lazing about without so much as a care in the world.

"I don't see why not," Nami shrugged as she savored the freshly-baked bagel Sanji had given her. "These guys are all pretty smart, they'll jump to it if something comes up. Here, have something to eat," Nami continued, offering an extra plate and glass she'd taken off Sanji. "You must be famished."

Vivi made to protest, but was cut off by a medium-volume growl that came from her stomach. She bowed her head in an effort to hide her blush as she accepted the plate. "Well... alright. B-but I'm still not sure about this..."

"Your call, but... come on!" Nami grinned as she waved around the deck. "Look around you."

"Hey, Usopp, do you think you can make us some fishing gear?" Luffy queried as he inhaled his bacon.

"Yeah, some fishing gear would be useful..." Zoro mused.

"I wouldn't say no to an emergency source of food, that's for sure," I concurred.

"No worries! I'll whip up some high-quality deluxe fishing rods before you know it!" Usopp assured us eagerly.

"Hey Carue, you're a duck, you ever fish before?" Sanji queried curiously.

"Nah, not weally," Carue shrugged indifferently. "I was waised in the pawace awongside Vivi and the west of the Supahsonic Duck Squawdwon. Nevah weally had da chance, ya know?"

" **So** _you were_ HOUSE-?" Soundbite started to pipe up with a grin.

"Watch it, you!" Carue warned him testily.

"Doesn't a ship like this and guys like these..." Nami's grin widened ever so slightly. "Make your cares just wash away?"

Vivi was silent as she considered us for a moment before sighing and finally allowing herself to smile. "Yeah... yeah, I guess it's a little relaxing..."

Our peaceful breakfast persisted for a few moments longer until Luffy suddenly piped up without warning.

"Hey guys, look!" he crowed eagerly, pointing ahead of the Merry. "The sun's starting to come up!"

Moving quickly, we all joined Luffy at the prow, staring excitedly out at the horizon where, indeed, the sun was starting to peek over the ocean.

"Wow..." Vivi breathed in awe. "That's _beautiful..."_

"Yeah..." I nodded slowly in agreement, raising my arm to indicate the array of colors that were painting the sky. "I mean, check out the way the sunlight is refracting off the- wait..." I blinked in confusion. "Those aren't clouds... is that fog?"

"Um..." Nami narrowed her eyes as she shaded them. "I... don't think so? Looks like... mist? How the heck-?"

Without so much as a hint of warning, Soundbite suddenly started wailing and thrashing on my shoulder. " **AWOOGA! AWOOGA!** _Mayday, mayday!_ TURN AROUND! _**360 degrees!**_ _GO GO GO!_ **Danger, Will Robinson, danger!"**

I gave the snail a confused look. "Soundbite, what the hell are you-?!"

" _SHUT UP AND LISTEN,_ **FOOL!"**

Blinking in confusion, I slid my earphones on... and nearly jumped out of my skin at what I heard. "Oh no way in _hell..._ "

"What is it, brat?" Zoro asked, a note of urgency in his voice.

Moving as fast as I could, I hastily ran to the Merry's rigging and clambered up into the crow's nest. I unfolded the spyglass hidden within, peered at the horizon, praying I was wrong... and was promptly proven terribly, _terribly_ right.

"Guuuuys..." I started slowly. "The anchor is still down, right?"

"Yeah, why?" Sanji asked with a hint of dread.

" **LONG-NOSE** _and_ CROSS _**JINXED US!"**_ Soundbite howled furiously.

"Uh... what's he talking about?" Usopp asked in confusion.

"Weeeeell..." I slid down the rigging and hopped back onto the deck. "Remember how you asked what was the worst that could happen?"

"Yeeeeaaaah?" Usopp said uneasily.

"And remember what _I_ told Vivi would get me out of bed?"

Everyone save Nami considered for a moment before paling in horror.

"N-no way..." Vivi stammered.

"You can't be serious..." Sanji whimpered weakly.

Nami swallowed heavily as she took in the mood. "Cross... what did you say would make you get up?"

I held out the spyglass with a flat look. "Us falling over the ends of the earth."

Moving faster than I thought she possibly could, Nami swiped the spyglass from my hand and snapped it out to its full length, staring out at the horizon for a moment before losing just about every drop of blood her face could possibly spare.

"Sooo... yeah..." I grimaced as I scratched the back of my head. "It looks like the Grand Line _might_ think it has something of a sense of humor."

"WE'RE HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARDS A WATERFALL!" Nami shrieked in horror.

"Actually, seeing how we're still anchored? It would appear that that waterfall is heading straight towards us," I pointed out helpfully.

"Not helping, Cross," Nami snapped, eerily calm all of a sudden. "Zoro, Luffy, weigh the anchor _._ Sanji, man the whipstaff. Usopp, drop the mainsail. Cross, the mizen. Vivi, help him. Carue, please try not to be underfoot."

For a single moment, we were frozen as we stared at Nami in confusion.

"RIGHT GODDAMN NOW, GODDAMNIT!" Nami howled furiously. For the briefest of moments, I could have _sworn_ her teeth became sharp and demonic enough to pass for those of a demon-shark.

"ON IT!" we all chorused in terror, rushing to man our assigned posts.

"Is she always this terrifying!?" Vivi hissed at me as she helped me unfurl the Merry's red-and-white candy-stripe mizzensail.

"Ohhhh, nononono..." I shook my head in denial as I yanked on a rope in order to pull the sail into position. "Not even close."

"Oh thank god..." Vivi sighed in relief.

"NAMI, IT'S GETTING CLOSER!" Luffy shouted from somewhere.

" _ **START ROWING YOU MORONS! HURRY!"**_

I shuddered heavily as I ran to join the guys on the oars. "As you can see, she can be _far_ worse!"

"Oh-dear-we're-gonna-die..." Vivi whimpered as she followed behind me before _eep-_ ing in terror as she was suddenly grabbed by her collar and wrenched face-to-face with a _very_ demonic-looking Nami.

" _Not if I have anything to say about it!"_ Nami hissed out through her demented smile. " _NOW ROW!"_

"ROWING!" Vivi squeaked in agreement as she jumped to the task.

"YOU TOO, DUCK!"

"YES MA'AM!" Carue squawked as he joined us.

For the next hour or so, the Going Merry was a goddamn _madhouse_ as we wrestled furiously with the ocean, fighting tooth and nail to outstrip the _massive_ hole in the water that seemed to be bearing down on us.

Finally though, after what felt like an eternity, we _finally_ managed to escape it, floating placidly on a _mercifully_ calm expanse of water.

"So Vivi..." I wheezed heavily as I lazed over the Merry's railing. "I think you said something... something about us needing to be ready to move at any moment...?"

"Please shut up..." Vivi bemoaned wearily as she massaged her throbbing muscles.

"Anybody _else_ want to point out an impending danger so we can get our panicking over with right now instead of later?" Nami groaned as she shot a slight glare at me, which I hastily raised my hands in surrender to.

"Nope!"

" **NO** _thanks!"_

"No..."

"Not at all, Nami-swan!"

"Cross is gonna be the third mate."

"I'm good..."

"Perfect..." Nami allowed herself to slump to the floor...

Before snapping her head around to stare at Luffy, along with the rest of us. "SAY WHAT!?" we all hollered at him in confusion.

Luffy blinked for a second before shrugging and giving us a wide grin. "Cross is gonna be our third mate! Oh, and our taciturnician! _Oh,_ and Nami's our second mate!"

"I... _think_ you mean 'tactician'...?" I corrected automatically before double-taking as I processed what he'd said. "Wait, _what!?_ Tactician!? I thought I was the Commi- _unications Officer!?"_ I demanded, hastily switching the words at the last second.

"And you are," Luffy nodded in agreement. "But you're pretty smart at figuring out plans too, so you're gonna be doing that as well!"

I made to protest... then paused as I recalled what Luffy had said last night. "Can't cook, can't lie, can't navigate..." I repeated to myself, realization sweeping over me.

The rest of the Straw Hats stiffened in shock for a second before relaxing as they understood as well.

"So..." I started slowly. "You're _not_ mad about me giving orders?"

"Nah!" Luffy waved his hand with a smile. "You're not trying to be the captain, right?"

"Oh hell no!" I shook my head frantically. "Even _if_ I had that kind of delusion, everyone else would be liable to lynch me if I even _thought_ of starting a mutiny!"

"Then it's alright! You're good at making plans, so I'm just gonna let you keep making them!" Luffy nodded firmly, as though it all made sense. Which, for some reason, it actually _did._

"Well... alright then..." I nodded slowly in agreement.

"But... hang on!" Nami interjected. "What about me being second mate and him being third!? Do you even _know_ what those positions mean!?"

"Uh, yeah?" Luffy tilted his head in confusion. "Third mate is fourth in command, second mate is third in command, and first mate is second. Which doesn't really make a lot of sense, but-!"

"She means!" I piped up hastily. "Why are you giving us those positions? I mean, Nami I can understand, she gives us tons of orders all the time- _valid ones!"_ I hastily yelped as the navigator shot a frigid glare at me. "Valid orders, very valid and very invaluable orders, but still! She's _obviously_ unofficially held the position for awhile now, but... but me!? How in the heck do I count as third!?"

Luffy blinked at me before tilting his head in confusion. "Well... Why not you? I mean..." He looked over the rest of the crew questioningly. "Anyone not alright with it?"

Usopp considered for a moment before puffing out his chest. "Despite being the third to join the crew, I, the Great Cap-! Er... The Great _Sniper_ Usopp, shall gracefully abdicate the position! You may thank me appropriately at a later date."

Sanji puffed on his cigarette thoughtfully for a second before shrugging indifferently. "Eh, so long as you can do your job, I guess." He narrowed a glare at me. "But if you screw up I'll boot you out of the position so fast that your head will spin right off."

Nami scrutinized me momentarily before blowing out a heavy sigh. "Talking Luffy out of anything is beyond futile as is, no reason to add on to it. Besides..." She grinned at me cattily. "I suppose things could be worse."

Zoro was the worst of them all. He just... stared at me.

And stared at me.

And stared at me...

"If you're trying to imitate Crocus, then congratulations, you've succeeded with gusto," I finally managed to get out with a minimum of wavering in my voice.

For whatever reason, that somehow did the trick, prompting Zoro to nod firmly at me with a positive-sounding grunt. "Don't screw this up." And without further ado, he slumped against the Merry's railing, arms crossed behind his head as he closed his eyes and allowed the sound of snoring to erupt moments later.

I gaped at everyone in disbelief before hastily snapping my jaws shut. "W...well then... I... guess that's that then, isn't it?" I shrugged helplessly. "Alright then. So be it. I accept. Thanks Luffy, a lot."

"Shishishi!" Luffy chuckled impishly. "No problem!"

"Um... excuse me?" Vivi spoke up hesitantly. "But... I'm confused. If Mister Jeremiah is third and Nami is second, then... who's first?"

"Zoro," the crew and I chorused unceremoniously as we pointed at the snoozing swordsman, who appeared to let loose a particularly loud snore in response.

Vivi's eye twitched slightly for a moment before a grin slowly spread across her face. "You know... somehow, that doesn't surprise me in the least."

And so, after we shared a few laughs, we proceeded to set the sails anew and head off, sailing towards Little Garden.

We... didn't actually get there any time soon.

See, one thing Oda _didn't_ show us readers? Travel time. Lots and _lots_ of travel time. Most of it was peaceful, to be sure, boring even, but honestly? The fact was that whether we liked it - or in Vivi's case, despite her never voicing it, not - it took us a little over three weeks to make the trip from Whiskey Peak to the ever-looming Little Garden.

Still... no matter how boring some parts of it might have been, there were certainly memorable moments to go around.

Some were... notably unpleasant...

 **-o-**

"Ohhh gooood..." I moaned as I lay lifeless on Merry's deck, my entire body feeling as though it were either on fire or close to it. "Kiiiiill meeeee..."

"Glad to..." Usopp growled darkly from where he was lying nose-first on the deck. "If you agree to kill me first. Remind me again why you roped us into getting tortured by Zoro along with you?"

"Because all three of us are as weak as shit and we need to get stronger unless we want to die like bitches..." I ground out miserably.

"Oh yeah..."

"One day you'll pay for this, Cwoss..." Carue ground out from where he was hanging off the Merry's wall by his embedded beak.

"That's all well and good..." Nami snarled from where she was propped up against the Merry's railing, with Vivi. "But would you mind telling me how and why you got _Sanji to put us through the exact same thing!?"_

I couldn't help but chuckle and plaster a sickly grin on my face. "Oh, that was easy. First, I convinced Sanji that he couldn't be everywhere at once and that sooner or later the 'princesses' would need to learn how to fight without their knight in shining armor. Then, I convinced him that the more you hurt now, the less you'd hurt later. Finally, I laid down an ultimatum: If he didn't handle your training, then he'd have to let either Zoro or Luffy do it instead." I half-chuckled half-wheezed in dark amusement. "I think he almost popped a blood vessel making his decision."

"Mister Jeremiah..." Vivi huffed heavily. "No offense... but I think I hate you... I think I hate you a _lot._ "

"Stop _calling_ me that..." I ground out.

The sound of boots approaching on the deck caused me to turn my head, and I paled as I caught sight of Zoro standing above me, grinning a very disturbing grin. "Hmm," Zoro hummed to himself. "Well, if you have the energy to complain, let alone laugh, you have the energy to keep going. Up and at 'em, maggots!"

"I'm so sorry, my dears, but the marimo's right. You've had a long enough break as is. We need to... _hurk!_ Keep... going..."

A chorus of moans rang out in response.

"Shishishi! Man, you guys are hilarious!"

"EIN _ZWEI_ **DREI!** EIN _ZWEI_ **DREI!** EIN _ZWEI_ **DREI!"**

"SHUT UP, SOUNDBITE!" we all chorused furiously.

 **-o-**

Other experiences were actually quite humorous!

 **-o-**

"You know, you girls are lucky," I stated through a nice and wide grin.

"Oh yeah?" Nami queried, her own grin matching mine tooth for tooth. "How so?"

"Have you ever heard the word 'hentai' before?"

"I... _might_ have picked up one or two such magazines in the past..." Vivi whistled innocently through her own grin.

"One or two _dozen_ more wike!" Carue snickered as he chowed down on a bucket of popcorn he'd acquired from _somewhere._

"Oh hush you!" Vivi snorted as she slapped the back of his head lightly. "But... yeah, I see your point. This is far more pleasant. For most of us, anyways."

"HOW'S IT GOING, LUFFY?" Usopp managed to call out through his laughter.

"WILL YOU GUYS - _OW! -_ STOP LAUGHING AND - _AGH!-_ SAVE ME ALREADY!?" our captain howled above us, where a mass of large, gelatinous tentacles were poking, prodding and stretching him energetically, all the while squirming and folding around his wild punches with ease. "THESE THINGS STING LIKE - _YEOWCH! -_ HECK, AND I'M NOT AN - _OWOWOWOWOW! -_ TOY!"

" _Should_ we save him?" Zoro asked with a chuckle, fingering his swords all the while.

"Oh, I don't know..." Sanji mused, his chuckling making it a bit hard for him to take a tug from his cigarette. "I think the tentacles could stand to be a _little_ more tenderized."

"Five more minutes, just five more minutes!" I begged them breathlessly. "That bastard's eaten my bodyweight in my own food since I've joined, this is the most therapeutic thing I've ever seen!"

" **YEEHAW!** _RIDE 'EM COW-PIRATE!"_ Soundbite whooped.

"JERKS!"

 **-o-**

And some things were... just plain, flat-out _weird._

 **-o-**

"Okay..." I sighed wearily as I kneaded my throbbing temples. "One more time... _why_ did you try to drown Luffy in a bucket of water?"

"Because 'e was suppressing our natural rights as snails 'e was!" the narrower and longer of the two transponder snails replied in a cockney accent, his chuckling showing off an impressive pair of buckteeth.

"Indeed," the shorter and stockier snail nodded in agreement, his droning voice devoid of all emotion save annoyance. "That imbecile is unworthy of leading a pack of lemmings off a cliff, much less a pirate ship bearing a being with _my_ vast intelligence on board. We simply thought to restore the natural order of things."

"Yeh, yeh, what 'e said!" The taller snail nodded in agreement.

My eye twitched furiously as I stared down at the pair, trying to get an accurate handle on just _what the hell_ I was looking at.

As if to pack things on, the taller snail suddenly piped up with a "Narf!"

"Alright, I get it!" I broke out furiously as I cast a glare at a cackling Soundbite. I pointed at the taller snail. "Pinkie." Then the smaller one. "Brain. Happy now!?"

" **MUCH!"** Soundbite snickered.

"Woohoo! Ain't it great, Brain? We got names now!"

"Yes, we have been labelled by our bipedal masters, thus furthering our objectification. Joy."

"Great!" I clapped my hands together in frustration. "Now tell them to stop trying to kill us before I let Sanji fry them up in a pan!"

"I abjectly refuse to abandon my righteous crusade against your noxious-"

"CRAM IT, _STOW IT_ , _**AND QUIT IT!"**_ Soundbite roared out.

"Yes sir!" Pinkie and the Brain cowered partway in their shells almost instantly.

"Great..." I sighed in relief. "Now, you can stay out here for now, but any more trouble and it's back in the bag. Got it?"

"Aye aye, sir..." The pair nodded in agreement, albeit with varying amounts of enthusiasm.

"Perfect. Now, if you'll excuse me..." I turned around, strode to the cantina's door and poked my head outside. "We're good. Apparently Soundbite's Devil Fruit gives him a _lot_ of weight with his species."

"Gooood..." Nami crooned in a faux saccharine voice that was _almost_ as light and syrupy as the tar and feathers that she was covered in. "And for the record? If they ever pull anything like this again? I will personally throw them overboard, and you with them. Capiche?"

I made to answer... then winced as a thunk and a squawk came from the lower deck.

"Hey guys, I managed to get the barrel off Carue's head!" Usopp called up. "Now could someone help me dunk him into the ocean to get the flour out of his feathers?"

I nodded weakly in agreement. "Capiche..."

"I'm glad we managed to settle this..." Vivi piped up weakly, prompting us to look up at where she was hanging from the main mast via a rope snare tied around her ankle. "Now could someone please get me one of my Peacock Slashers? The blood is starting to rush to my head..."

 **-o-**

But eventually, our little vacation had to come to an end.

"There it is..." Nami breathed as she held the Log Pose up to her eye in order to confirm her suspicions. "After Whiskey Peak, this is our next destination on the Grand Line."

I nodded slowly in numb awe as I watched the island slowly start to loom in the distance.

There it was: one of the greatest deathtraps in the Grand Line.

An island of Giants.

An island of dinosaurs.

An island where death could come in a million and one forms...

But out of all those forms, only one mattered to me at the moment.

This form of death came in the shape of a small tick, which carried within itself an even smaller and even _deadlier_ virus.

And unless I did something? That death would come within _hours_ of taking one of our crew.

The name of this island? So simple... yet nonetheless ominous.

"Little Garden..."


	10. Chapter 10 - Little Garden Pt 1

**Chapter 10**

" _And mix in one cup of water and rubbing alcohol!"_ Soundbite concluded firmly.

I took a tentative sniff of the pot I was stirring before recoiling with a _very_ disgusted gag. "Ohhh, that's just-! And you're _sure_ that you got the recipe right?"

The snail affixed me with a flat look. " _What the_ **HECK** **do you** _THINK?"_

"Yeah yeah, fair enough..." I grimaced as I dug out a measuring cup and one of Zoro's clearer bottles of grog. "Though for the record, if this doesn't work? Then I'm telling Zoro it was _your_ idea."

"LIES _and_ _ **SLANDER!"**_

"Psh," I snorted as I slowly poured out the correct amounts of liquid into the cups and stirred them into the pot. "With you? Slander is a _very_ relative term."

Soundbite blinked in confusion. "UHHH...?"

I allowed a smirk to play across my lips as I tapped the spoon I was using on the edge of the pot. "There's little I can say about you that you wouldn't be willing to do."

" **NOT-!"** Soundbite started to bark before freezing and reconsidering. " _Okay..._ **maybe** _TRUE."_

"Heh," I smirked as I looked my concoction over. "Yeah, I thought so. I know you _way_ too- _SWEET HOLY MOTHER OF-!"_ I snapped my head back furiously as I pinched my nose as shut as I could. "Dear lord, that is just flat out _rank!"_

Soundbite sniffed at the air for a moment before snapping back into his shell. "PEE- **YEW!"**

"Tell me about it..." I groaned miserably, waving my hand in front of my face. "Well, it looks like Luffy's not the only one on this ship who can't cook. Here's hoping that Sanji doesn't take my head off for this..." I shot a scowl at the snail as he started cackling before allowing a grim smile to slide across my face. "Oh yeah, keep laughing asshat. In case you'd forgotten..." I dug out a dishrag, soaked it in the concoction, and started wiping it over myself. " _You're_ going to be smelling it up close and personal, just like the rest of us."

Soundbite's mood immediately pulled a 180 as he went from laughing to sobbing. "WHYYY? _WHY_ **GOD,** _**why!?"**_

"Karma, for one thing."

" **CRAM IT!"**

Before I could respond, Luffy's voice suddenly shouted through the kitchen wall. "HEY, CROSS! ARE YOU DONE YET OR WHAT!?"

"YEAH, I'M DONE!" I called back. "I'LL BE RIGHT OUT, JUST HOLD ON!" I shot a despairing look at the snail. "Ready to face the music?" I accidentally inhaled through the nose and was forced to fight down my gag reflex. "And the stench?"

Soundbite gave me another tentative sniff before recoiling and shooting me a sheepish grin. " **NO** _deal?"_

"Nice try, but no," I snorted, picking up the snail and plopping him down on my shoulder. I allowed myself a moment to chuckle as he dry-heaved before getting down to business, grabbing a number of rags and the pot before shouldering my way outside onto the deck. "Okay people, I'd _seriously_ recommend you all cover your noses. Unless, of course, you _want_ your sinuses to feel like they're on fire."

"Huh?" Luffy blinked at me in confusion. "What're yo-oooh _what the heck is that!?"_ our captain yelped, leaping away from me and covering his nose with both hands, an action that the rest of the crew hastily imitated.

"Id shmells like shomeshings wotting!" Carue squawked out through his wings.

"How is it even physically _possible_ for something to smell that bad!?" Usopp demanded desperately.

"Cross, what the hell have you been _doing_ in there?!" Sanji growled furiously as he advanced on me.

"Indeed, Mister Jeremiah!" Vivi gagged out. "Was there actually a _point_ to you making us wait, besides cooking up that... atrocity!?"

I plastered a desperate smile on my face as I slowly retreated from my infuriated crewmates. Indeed, I'd called for the anchor to be dropped when we were a quarter mile out from Little Garden. I'd then proceeded to sequester myself in the kitchen with Soundbite, relying on his instructions for what I was cooking. The whole process had taken a little over ten minutes, but over all? I think the end result was worth it.

"Actually, Vivi," I grinned as I waved the pot out at everyone, prompting them to rear back in horror. "This 'atrocity', as you call it, _was_ the point of my little endeavor. Say hello to my personal homemade batch of anti-bug lotion! _Urk!"_ I grimaced as I accidentally breathed in through my nose again. "Though 'Eau de Rat' might be a more accurate moniker. On second thought, please _don't_ say anything to it. I'm afraid it might say something back..."

" _Kiiiiill_ **meeeee..."** Soundbite moaned.

"Lotion!?" Nami spat incredulously. "You mean to tell me you want to rub that shit on us!? Are you out of your mind!?"

I chuckled sardonically and shook my head firmly. "Oooohhh no no no, of _course_ not! That'd just be perverted!" I held up the dishrags and shook them lightly. "You'll be rubbing it on _yourselves!"_

Nami's face became carefully blank for a moment before she slowly looked at the rest of the crew. "All those even remotely in favor of this crazy plan?"

"HELL NO!" everyone bellowed unanimously.

"Denied!" I belted out in response. "Look, have you guys even _glanced_ at Little Garden!?" I waved my hand at the unkempt island that nature had claimed. "In case you hadn't noticed, it's a freaking _jungle!_ And do you know what _lives_ in jungles?!"

"Lions!" Luffy piped up with an eager grin.

"Tigers," Zoro smirked menacingly.

"Bears," Sanji grinned around his cigarette.

"Oh my god..." Nami, Usopp and Carue sobbed, the former two hugging each other desperately, while Carue...

"Car- _urk!_ -ue! Can't- _gagh-_ breathe!"

"Ack, sowwy Vivi!"

"And _bugs!"_ I cut in firmly. "Itty bitty creepy crawly little insects, some so small that you wouldn't notice it flying in front of your face unless you were looking _straight at it!_ To be specific, insects that love to crawl on and sting and bite people like _us._ And do you know what happens when you get bitten by bugs like that?"

The crew looked at each other in confusion for a second before shrugging. "I dunno..." Usopp mumbled cluelessly. "I guess... it swells up, you itch and scratch a bit..."

"Then you start coughing up blood, pus comes out of your nose and ears, you swell to ten times your size, and within less than twenty-four hours you're a rancid husk of meat that not even the most depraved of wild animals would be willing to poke with a ten-foot pole," I finished flatly.

Now _that_ got everyone's total and undivided attention.

"I-I'm sorry," Vivi stammered. "Mister Jeremiah, I think I must have misheard you. Did you just say that those bugs could-?"

"Potentially kill us?" I cocked an eyebrow at her. "No, you heard me _precisely_ right. Let me break it down for you: our immune systems, the way our bodies fight disease? They've evolved over the years to fight whatever illnesses and afflictions the human race has come in contact with. However, while they _can_ put up a good fight, if they come in contact with anything they have no knowledge of, then they're totally helpless.

"Now _that island,_ " I gestured at Little Garden again. "Is most likely a closed ecosystem. That means that it's evolved completely independent of humanity. We don't know it, it doesn't know us. Every last bacteria and microbe on that island has the potential to fuck us up in ways not even horror novelists could imagine. Now, granted, there are some we can do precisely fuck all about, but this?" I shook the pot of bug lotion. "This protects us from _some._ So hey!" I shrugged carelessly. "Feel free to go traipsing about without it, just be prepared to potentially help pioneer the development of a vaccine for Hypermalaria... as Patient Zero." I grinned in the most demented way I could muster. "So... any takers?"

Silence.

I gave my smile a more pleasant tone. "Great! Now come on, let's lather up and make pigs smell pleasant!"

For a moment, the crew shuffled around nervously, clearly torn between the stench and the prospect of bleeding uncontrollably from every orifice. Just as I was about to press the issue,

though, Luffy solved it for me. Grabbing two of the rags, he soaked them in the fluid… and then promptly grabbed the pot and doused the rest of the crew with it.

I whistled in awe as the rest of the crew gagged and wheezed miserably at the stench. "Impressive..." I muttered.

"Thanks, I think..." Luffy grimaced as he wiped the concoction over himself.

"Ugh, this shit reeks even worse up close!" Zoro hacked.

"Don't worry, you get used to it," I hastily reassured him.

" _HE_ _ **LIES!"**_ Soundbite spat fiercely.

"I do..."

As everyone proceeded to reluctantly rub the gunk over themselves, I turned around in order to hide a grimace that had nothing to do with the way we smelled.

In the end, cooking up the bug sludge based off of a recipe I'd managed to convince Soundbite to hock up had been an act of desperation, a stopgap way of keeping anyone _else_ from potentially getting bitten. Despite my deliberation on the matter, I had yet to come up with a solution to the dilemma I was in.

On the one hand, if I allowed the Kestia tick to bite Nami, then things would proceed as normal: she'd get sick, we'd be forced to make a stop on Drum Island, Kureha and Chopper would cure her and our destined doctor would join the crew... and in the process, Nami would ding-dong-ditch the gates of Hell. Seeing the kind of pain and misery she'd gone through on ink and paper was one thing, but to allow it to happen to a real person? To my friend, who I'd legitimately come to care about? The mere concept was... inhumane, to say the least.

But on the other hand, was condemning Drum Island to Wapol's rule any _less_ inhumane!? If we didn't go to Drum, then Wapol _would_ get there. Luffy's interference had been an inadvertent factor in the Tin-Jawed Tyrant's return, to be sure, but he'd been in the vicinity as it was already, it was only a matter of time until he found his way back! And when he did... Well, Wapol was far from my or _anyone's_ definition of a heavy hitter, but if he managed to get his jaws on the castle's arsenal... Dalton, Kureha, Chopper, and who _knows_ how many others would no doubt be killed in the ensuing anti-rebellion rampage he'd no doubt throw. All without mentioning how it would mean condemning the rest of the citizens of Drum to his tyranny...

I ground my teeth furiously as I just _barely_ kept myself from ramming my head against the nearest wall. I didn't know what to _do_ , damn it! What was more important?! The momentary wellbeing of the one who was a dear friend, or the continued wellbeing of the many, as well as the _life_ of one who _would_ soon become a dear friend!? Damn you, Morton, your fork is royally screwing me over! I swear to god, John, if I ever find a way to go back in time, I will wrap my hands around your scrawny English throat and-!

" _Six o' clock!"_

-wait wha-?

"So, _Cross."_

It was only thanks to Soundbite's timely intervention that I was saved from jumping a foot off the deck in what would have been a _very_ suspicious manner as Nami's _very_ irritated voice sounded behind me.

" _Thanks,"_ I hissed out of the corner of my mouth at the snail before turning around to grin at Nami. "Yes?"

Our navigator pinned me with a decidedly unimpressed and thoroughly irritated look. "We all now smell bad enough to make _your_ laundry smell _good._ And when I say 'your', I'm talking about you and the rest of the guys collectively. Are you satisfied, or do you want us to _walk_ to the island next?"

I swiftly raised my hands in surrender. "No no, that was everything, we're good to go!"

" _Perfect._ WEIGH ANCHOR! LET'S GO ALREADY!"

And with that, we started to sail towards one of the most dangerous islands on the equator.

"Despite how... _extravagant_ Cross was in his actions..." Vivi mused cautiously as she observed Little Garden pull closer. "I do believe he has a point. We need to remain cautious." She bit her thumb nervously. "Despite how duplicitous she might be, I haven't been able to forget what Miss All Sunday said..."

"W-w-wait..." Usopp swallowed heavily as he eyed the treeline fearfully. "D-d-do you think there could be monsters out there?!"

"Icebergs and waterfalls, Usopp," I stated as I patted the sniper on the back. "Icebergs and goddamn _waterfalls."_

" **BABY** _wanna_ DIAPER?" Soundbite snickered.

"I'd prefer escargot!" Usopp snarled, albeit while keeping a foot away from the snail. Not that that stopped Soundbite from _trying_ to chomp at his nose, at any rate.

"Don't laugh just yet, Soundbite," Sanji warned flatly as he puffed on his cigarette. "That might be a very real possibility if we don't pick anything up, what with how we've been eating through our provisions."

Soundbite immediately cut himself off with a panicked squawk. He concentrated for a brief moment before plastering a shaky grin on his face and nodding frantically. "ANIMALS! _LOTS_ **and LOTS** _of animals!"_

"Damn..." Usopp and Carue spat simultaneously.

As we sailed up the closest available canal, we were enshrouded in shadows by the _jawdroppingly_ massive flora that surrounded us. I whistled softly in awe as I took in the sheer amount of _nature_ that we were engulfed in. The island I'd first washed up on in the East Blue was one thing, but _this?_ It was like someone had decided to copy-past an artist's rendition of a prehistoric jungle onto reality!

"So this is Little Garden..." Zoro mused in awe, slowly sweeping our surroundings for anything and everything potentially fatal.

"What blind mowon named this pwace _Wittle_ Garden?!" Carue demanded incredulously. "It's fweaking huge!"

" _I~RO~NY?"_ Soundbite sang out doubtfully.

"If it was, then whoever came up with it was _seriously_ pushing it!" Nami scoffed. "I mean, look around! I've never even _seen_ some of... make that _any_ of these plants before!"

"Eh..." I slowly raised a finger in response.

"Oh come on, how would _you_ know what these plants are!?"

"I don't, I don't!" I defended hastily. "It's just... the scale patterns on some of those trees... I _think_ I've seen them-!"

"GAW! GAW!"

"YIPE!" I and the half the crew yelped in panic as a loud squawking sound belted out of the treeline, followed by _something_ bursting out of the jungle and pelting into the sky.

"WHAT WAS THAT!?" Nami shrieked fearfully as she hugged herself.

"Ahh, Nami-swan is so cute when she's frightened!" Sanji swooned kindly.

"She is, isn't she?" I taunted impishly, only _just_ managing to duck under the retaliatory fist Nami lashed out at me.

"Anyways, don't worry about it," Sanji soothed as he gestured at the flying creature. "That's a regular bird and this is a regular jungle. There's absolutely nothing to fear."

Luffy, meanwhile, was blinking up at the creature in confusion. "Is... that a lizard?"

"Uh, actually, Luffy?" Vivi spoke up hesitantly. "That's a bird. I saw feathers on it."

Luffy tilted his head dubiously. "But I saw scales..."

"Actually..." I piped up as I peered up at the creature through the spyglass I'd taken off of Nami's belt. "You're both right. That thing's sporting feathers on its wings and tail and scales around its mouth. Which..." I hissed as I lowered the glass. "Is not good. I think I know what's up."

 **BOOM!**

"AGH!" everyone squawked as the ship was suddenly shaken by a massive explosion.

" _WHAT PART OF ALL THIS SOUNDS LIKE A NORMAL JUNGLE TO YOU GUYS!?"_ Nami shrieked incredulously.

"THAT SOUNDED LIKE A VOLCANO BLOWING UP!" Usopp bellowed.

"Because it _was,"_ I groaned as I pointed at the plume of smoke coming up over the treeline. "Alright, correction: I _know_ what's up with this place. I've seen it before, a few years back."

"Where could you have _possibly_ seen this place before!?" Zoro scoffed.

"Easy," I deadpanned. "I saw it in a book."

"And that book would be...?"

"Petey's Prehistoric Picture Book."

The stunned silence was _quite_ refreshing.

"My five year old cousin _loved_ it."

"When you say... _prehistoric..."_ Vivi posited slowly.

"I mean dinosaurs, yes," I confirmed with a nod. "Big, honking, more-likely-than-not-man-eating _dinosaurs."_

Usopp swallowed heavily as he glanced around nervously. "Y-y-you _can't_ be serious..."

"Growrggghhh..."

The sniper was cut off by a tiger half the size of the Going Merry stumbling out of the treeline before collapsing from a combo of blood loss and large gouges in its flesh.

I slowly turned my head to stare at Usopp. "So... Personally, I say that those teeth marks look about right for a T. Rex. What about you? Allosaurus maybe? Or something _bigger?_ "

"All in favor of not setting foot on this deathtrap?" Usopp squeaked out meekly.

"AYE!" Carue squawked, jabbing his wing into the air.

"Agreed!" Nami nodded hastily with a desperate grin. "W-w-we just need to sit tight right here and wait for the Log Pose to reset. N-No need to go out and get eaten! After all, we can't get to Alabasta as soon as possible if we're traipsing around in a killer jungle, right?!"

"Well, I'm gonna go hunting," Sanji announced from where he had hopped down to the shore.

"Wait, Sanji, hold on!" Luffy bellowed out before the cook could start walking.

"Yeah, listen to the captain!" Nami belted out hysterically as she plastered a panicked grin on her face.

"You need to make a pirate box lunch first! I wanna go adventuring!"

"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, HE'S GOT LESS BRAIN CELLS THAN ZOOPLANKTON!" she howled desperately.

"Nami's right, Sanji, Luffy's being an idiot!" I piped up.

Nami shot me a relieved look in response. " _Thank_ you, Cross."

"Make _two_ boxed lunches, I'm going with hi- _GRGK!"_ I was literally choked off by Nami grabbing my throat in her hands.

" _WHERE IN THE NAME OF THE GREAT GOD OF BERIS DO YOU THINK YOU TWO_ DIPSHITS _ARE GOING!?"_ she shrieked at the top of her lungs.

"Uh... did you just say Great God of-? _Hrrgrgh-_ alright, alright!"

I hastily reassessed what I was planning on saying as I wrenched myself out of Nami's grip. "Well, seeing how we're on an island with dinosaurs, there's really only one _natural_ thing to do."

"And that would be?" Nami hissed through gritted teeth.

I plastered a semi-(or possibly completely)-manic grin on my face. "I'm gonna ride me a T. Rex, rodeo-style."

"YIPPIE- _kay-_ **MEEP!"** Soundbite cut off in a squeak as Nami grabbed his eyestalks with a bloodthirsty growl.

"What. Is keeping me. From wringing _both_ your scrawny necks. Right here. Right now," she hissed.

"Besides the fact that we're on the same crew?" I grinned nervously.

The snarl I received in response was _not_ a good sign.

"Luffy? Back me up on this? _Please!?"_

"Don't hurt him, Nami!" Luffy pleaded. "He needs his legs if he's going to go adventuring! Oh, you wanna come too?"

Apparently _that_ was the straw that broke the camel's back, if the way Nami suddenly collapsed on the deck sobbing miserably was anything to go by. "They're too far gone already, it's hopeless..."

I winced slightly at her despondent expression. "Um..." I slowly reached out towards her shoulder. "There the- _yeargh!"_ I squawked in agony as I suddenly found my hand caught in an organic vicegrip.

"If you die, I will _dance on your grave,"_ Nami growled venomously.

"Hey, Luffy! Can I come too?" Vivi piped up.

"Yeah!" I cheered enthusiastically. "Princesses gone wi-OW!" I yelped as the pressure on my hand quadrupled. "What the hell are you hurting _me_ for!? You can't blame me for this!"

"Of course I can! Your madness is infectious!"

"No no, Nami, it's fine!" Vivi reassured hastily. "I want to go out of my own volition. If I stay on the ship, chances are I'll just pointlessly brood about Alabasta-" The princess winced slightly before rallying. "A-anyways, the point is that this will take my mind off things while the Log Pose resets."

"Good for you, Vivi!" Carue squawked enthusiastically.

"But-but milady!" Sanji swooned desperately. "What if you get hurt or-!?"

"It'll be fine!" Vivi reassured him with a hasty grin. "After all, Carue'll be protecting me!"

 _That_ prompted Carue to adopt a horrified expression, his bill dropping open in sheer terror as a choked gurgle tore its way out of his throat.

"Wow, you just scared that poor duck quackless..." Nami muttered.

"I'll make you a lunch of love as well, my princess!" Sanji swooned as he leapt up to the kitchen.

"Oh, and while you do, could you fill up Carue's... uh, Carue, where did you put your water barrel?"

"Below deck..." the duck squawked mutely.

"I'll take some water too, please!" I called up.

" _LETTUCE! LETTUCE!"_ Soundbite chorused.

"Wait your turns, you two!"

"HOLD IT!"

Everyone froze as Nami suddenly screeched at the top of her lungs. Again. The orange-haired _banshee_ huffed heavily for a moment before alternating a glare between Luffy, Vivi and I. "Seeing how I apparently can't control any of you worth _shit,_ then I suppose I might as well put down some rules so that you don't wind up dead in _ditches._ "

"But, wait, we're on a prehistoric jungle island, there aren't any ditches-"

"Cross," Nami ground out around the hand she was using to pinch the bridge of her nose. "If you finish that sentence, I will have Sanji get me a bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight razor."

"Why would you- _YERP!"_ I squeaked as Nami suddenly grabbed somewhere _very_ private.

"So that I can _literally_ emasculate you," she hissed venomously.

I swallowed heavily, cold sweat running down my face. "And... the mirror?"

" _So that you can_ watch."

"Noted," I squeaked meekly. Through my fear, I couldn't help but wonder _why_ the hell that threat sounded so damn familiar.

"Perfect! Now then, rule one..." Nami's voice suddenly cut off without any apparent reason. Thinking fast, I checked behind me. Nothing.

" **DON'T** _know_ WHERE **to START,** _huh?"_ Soundbite snickered.

"SHUT UP!... yes."

"Look, Nami?" I spoke up hesitantly. "We don't know how long we'll be here, so we have nothing _but_ time. Furthermore, we'll be going out there with one of the toughest badasses this side of the ocean. He could and most likely _will_ eat some of, if not _most_ of, the dinosaurs we come across. I'm 99% certain we'll be fine. So... do I get to keep my potential to procreate one day?"

"... against my better judgement, yes," Nami sighed as she reluctantly released me.

"My future descendants thank you..." I sighed in relief. "Anyways, I don't want you to worry without reason, so how about this: Vivi'll take Brain with her, and if you and Usopp decide to leave the ship for whatever reason, you take Pinky with you. Like that, we'll all be in communication. Luffy, Zoro and Sanji don't need snails because nothing on this island can put so much as a scratch on them. Alright?"

"Well... alright, fine, I guess that's- wait, how does Zoro factor in on this!?"

I jabbed my thumb over the side of the ship with a flat look. "He and Sanji left five minutes ago, arguing over who could bag the bigger dino. Looked like they were really getting into it, too."

For a few scant moments, Nami looked like she was about to legitimately erupt before slumping in defeat. "Just... just _get out of here_ already..." A slight snarl entered her voice. "Before I lose my temper and make you _extinct."_

"Getting!" I yelped in agreement, leaping over the Merry's railing and landing on the shoreline. I winced slightly at the ache that blossomed in my legs from the drop, but promptly grinned in satisfaction as that ache went away just as fast.

It might not have seemed like much, but to me? It was proof. Bit by bit, cell by cell, my body was changing. _Evolving._ Every day I lived in this world, every gram of local vitamins I ingested, I became just a little bit stronger, a little more durable. By my old standards, I was becoming superhuman, but by my new ones? By this world's? I was becoming _normal._

A minute later, Luffy and Vivi riding on Carue landed on the ground next to me. Luffy grinned as he tossed me a lunchbox before turning to face the jungle. "WOOHOO! LET'S GO!" he whooped as he charged into the jungle.

"Wait for us, Luffy!" Vivi called after him.

"Yeah! We're still human, you know!" I concurred.

"Shpeak for yourshelf," Carue chuckled under his breath.

"PREACH IT, **brotha!"** Soundbite added.

Luffy didn't slow down, but he did have the courtesy to whoop and holler as he went to make it easier for us to follow him. He also cleared a path through the underbrush so we didn't have to stop every thirty seconds to hack vegetation away, so at the very _least_ it was a mile better than the first jungle I'd experienced.

Vivi, on the other hand, was being far more courteous to me, urging Carue to match his pace with mine so that we were running side by side. As it was, though, we were currently running in silence. It wasn't really all that surprising: we'd been on the same ship for a while now, sure, but neither of us had actually been _alone_ together, so we weren't completely certain about what to talk about.

Ultimately, Vivi cleared her throat and spoke up. "So, ah... You're not warm in what you're wearing?"

"Huh? Uh..." I glanced down at what I was wearing: a shell jacket like the one Usopp had destroyed, only with a camo pattern, long dark-brown cargo slacks, a white t-shirt with a diagonal set of grey clawmarks running over the chest, and a pair of steel-toed boots. "Not really. The place I grew up on basically had a Summer Island climate. Some of us would joke that we had two seasons: summer, and hell. I can wear this stuff practically anytime, anywhere and not care about it."

"Oh, that's good," Vivi sighed in relief. "You'll be grateful for having that kind of tolerance in Alabasta. It's a desert country, so covering your skin is a necessary, if somewhat uncomfortable, must."

"Glad to hear it," I nodded in confirmation before humming as a thought struck me. "Wait... if Alabasta is a desert, then shouldn't your skin be... I dunno, darker? Olive or something? Isn't that how it works?"

 _That_ actually managed to get a chuckle out of Vivi. "You have no idea how often people ask me or my father that question. Yes, there are quite a few people in Alabasta with dark skin, but the Nefertaris haven't been a part of that group, at least not for several generations. After all, we tend to live in the palace for our whole lives, so we're not exposed to the sun more often than we need to."

"Huh..." I mused as I vaulted over a stray log. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised there are at least a few benefits to being a royal, huh?"

"You have _no_ idea!" Carue squawked in agreement

Vivi, on the other hand, frowned a bit. "You'd be surprised. The Reveries in particular tend to be... more frustrating than anything. Royals that don't care in the slightest about their civilians, the necessity of posture and face in light of _stupid_ rivalries and feuds that the current generation had nothing to do with, no direct involvement whatsoever..." Her lips pursed into a tight, thin line. "And the World Nobles."

I allowed a shiver of revulsion to run through me. "Yeah... that part goes without saying. Let me guess: they barely tolerate the idea that 'mere humans' can hold themselves up to even half their 'divine' stature?"

Surprisingly, the princess shook her head with a grimace. "Not... not quite. With most of the other royals, sure, but... with my family? They're… more directly antagonistic."

I had a good guess as to why they felt like that, but nevertheless I shot Vivi a flat look. "Let me try again: one of your ancestors spilled a drink on _their_ ancestors' robes about... what, five hundred years ago and they swore a blood feud as a result?"

Vivi sighed wearily and hung her head. "If only it were that simple... but no. While you're right about it centering around our ancestors, the reason for the hatred is that..." Vivi trailed off as she hesitated for a bare moment before coming to a decision. "How much do you know of the origins of the World Government?"

"Um..." I tilted my head in thought. "Eight hundred years ago, twenty kings allied together and left their kingdoms in order to found the nascent World Government. Right?"

Vivi nodded slowly in agreement as she steeled herself. "And eight hundred years ago, the Nefertaris refused to leave their kingdom, and instead remained in Alabasta to this day."

"PRINCESS _SAY_ **WHAT!?"** Soundbite yelped in disbelief.

I followed the snail's lead, blinking at Vivi in shock. "I... wait, hold on, so you and your father are-!?"

" _Not_ World Nobles," Vivi asserted firmly, following it up with a sigh of relief. "Thank god for that, I don't even want to imagine... No, we're not World Nobles, but we could have been. And that's the _exact_ reason why the real World Nobles hate us. They take the fact that we refused to 'ascend' with them as an insult, and they haven't let us forget it."

"Which is why they awen't helping us with the webellion..." Carue muttered darkly.

"That, and my father didn't want to let the Marines get involved and potentially slaughter the civilians," Vivi added. "But still... they do tend to make our lives _very_ complicated, even though in the end it's never mattered all that much."

I winced in sympathy as I contemplated the implications. As I'd thought, the World Nobles were indeed bastards of the highest order, and being associated with them only made things worse instead of better. I _hoped_ that this knowledge wouldn't become pertinent in the future, if just for Vivi's sake, but honestly? Considering how the phrase 'Oda never forgets' was meme in the fandom? I didn't have high hopes. In the end, whether I or anyone else liked it or not, the Nefertari's family history _would_ one day become important. All I could do was hope that when it did, I would be ready for it.

Coming out of my thoughts, I shot a grin up at Vivi. "Well, either way, I, for one, am grateful that you're not a World Noble. It'd seriously suck to miss out on having you as a friend, you know?"

Vivi blinked at me in surprise for a moment before chuckling and smiling in agreement. "Yeah, I am too. It's been great sailing with you all. It's been educational. I never imagined that pirates like Luffy could... wait..." The princess trailed off as she looked around in panic. "Where's Luffy!?"

"Uh..." I joined her in searching the jungle. "I... don't... Soundbite?"

"UP, _UP_ **AND AWAY!"**

"What are you-?" I looked upwards... and promptly froze, staring in shock. "Uh... Vivi?"

"What is it, Cr-!" Vivi gaped in shock as she saw what I did.

"HEY CROSS!" Luffy whooped from the head of the apatosaurus - or was it a brontosaurus? - he was riding. "YOU WERE RIGHT! THERE _ARE_ DINOSAURS AROUND HERE! ISN'T THIS AWESOME?"

"I... ah..." Vivi stammered for a moment.

"Words fail you, huh?" I muttered.

"Ah... kind of, yes..."

"Ten bewi says he gets eaten..." Carue muttered.

As if on cue, the apatosaurus suddenly bucked its head, flinging Luffy into the air and swallowing him in one deft move.

"Cawwed it."

"LUFFY!" Vivi shrieked in panic.

"Calm down, calm down," I said, waving my hand carelessly. "I mean, it's Luffy for goodness sake. He'll be out in five seconds or less."

Mere moments later, a humanoid figure that was gargantuan beyond comprehension appeared from out of nowhere and _decapitated_ the dinosaur, slicing its neck clean off and allowing Luffy to drop out as a result.

I blinked at the display in shock. "Well... that's not quite what I had in mind, but still..."

Vivi's response was to stammer and squeak incredulously.

 **-o-**

" _GABABABABA! So you found some humans too, huh, Dorry?"_

" _GEGYAGYAGYAGYA! Indeed, Brogy! In fact, I found one going down the throat of a longneck! It was quite a shock when he came out!"_

" _Shishishishi! Hey, it might have been a surprise but, I could have gotten out on my own!"_

" _GABABABA! Sounds like the humans have become even wilder since we've been gone, Dorry!"_

" _You've got that right, Brogy! GEGYAGYAGYA!"_

" _Shishishishi! You guys are hilarious!"_

" _GABABABA!"_

" _GEGYAGYAGYA!"_

" _Oh god, now there's_ three _of them, and two are jumbo-sized..."_

I couldn't help but snicker at Nami's weary groan. "I'd say you have your hands full, but considering how I doubt even _you_ can punch out a giant? I'll just leave you with my sympathies."

" _Screw you, Cross!"_ Soundbite belted out in our navigator's voice.

A second later, however, his expression shifted from angry to a wide grin. " _Hey Cross, you sure you don't want to meet up with us? Dorry's pretty awesome!"_

I chuckled at the offer, but shook my head nonetheless. "No thanks, Luffy, this is enough for me. I'm happier out here. There's a whole wide island out here, and I want to see as much as I can!"

After Luffy's near miss with becoming dino-chow, Dorry had invited us back to his home at the west skull-mountain. I, however, had chosen to decline in favor of exploring a bit more. After all, standing here in the middle of a prehistoric paradise like this? It was a beyond once in a lifetime opportunity! There was no way in hell I was going to let it slip through my fingers!

Nevertheless, I'd stayed in contact with Luffy and Vivi via Pinky and Soundbite after I'd taken off, and a few minutes later, we were joined by Usopp and Nami contacting us via Brain, telling us about meeting Brogy. All in all, it was... quite entertaining, if nothing else.

" _Still, human,"_ Soundbite suddenly piped up in Dorry's voice with a slightly concerned look. " _I would recommend you exercise some caution. While Brogy and I are too big to be in any kind of danger from the local fauna, the same cannot be said of you humans."_

"Ah don't worry about it," I verbally waived the giant's warning as I ducked under a curtain of leaves and vines. "I've got Soundbite with me, and he's got practice warding off dangerous animals. Plus, if I get close to anything _really_ bad, he'll warn me about- _OW!"_ I winced as Soundbite suddenly chomped on my ear. "What is it?"

Soundbite jerked his eyes to the side, indicating a cave in a nearby cliff-face. " **DANGER!** _KEEP OUT!"_

I eyed the hole contemplatively. "That bad, huh?"

" _What is it?"_ Usopp asked via Soundbite.

"Apparently something in a cave's got Soundbite spooked."

" _A cave, huh?"_ Brogy mused contemplatively. " _Sounds like your snail has good ears, human. There's a species of small dinosaurs on the island that like to use caves as nests. They're nuisances to us, but to you, I imagine they'd be quite dangerous."_

I ran through a list of dinosaurs that were both 'dangerous' and 'small' for a moment before coming to a bone-chilling conclusion. "Right!" I hissed, turning on my heel, intent on getting as far from the cave as I could. "Well, I'm just going to go... anywhere but here."

" _Well, at least you're_ trying _to stay safe..."_ Nami sighed in frustration.

"Ah c'mon, Nami!" I teased as I started working my way through a particularly dense section of brush. "How much trouble do you think I could I _possibly_ get in?"

" _More than you can imagine."_

I chuckled slightly as I finally managed to wrench myself through the wall of flora. "Ah c'mon, cut me some-! Ah..." My words promptly died in my throat as I looked forwards again.

Mister 5 and Miss Valentine stared back at me in dumbfounded shock.

I swallowed heavily as a cold sweat broke out on the back of my neck, aided by the bloodthirsty grin Miss Valentine was suddenly sporting. "On second thought... you _might_ have a point."


	11. Chapter 11 - Little Garden Pt 2

**Chapter 11**

I fought to control my breathing as I eyed the two agents not two feet in front of me. Luckily, they looked just as surprised as I felt, but if the sadistic looks that were slowly spreading across their faces were anything to go by, that wouldn't last long.

Desperate to buy time, I hastily plastered a desperate smile on my face. "I don't suppose the words 'parlay' hold any water with you two, do they?"

Miss Valentine promptly swung her head back in a cackle. "Kyahaha! Oh, you poor little dead man, we are _so_ far beyond that!"

"Especially after that stunt your friend pulled back in Whiskey Peak," Mr. 5 grunted as he scratched the back of his head irritably. "No, you're going to be a stain on the trees when we're through with you, no doubt about it."

" **Fun..."** Soundbite growled darkly.

Before the pair could start to approach me, I hastily waved my hands frantically. "Wait-wait-wait-wait! Before you try and, well, _smear_ me over a square kilometer of jungle, can I at _least_ say something I think you two should be aware of?"

5 and Valentine glanced at each other in both confusion and annoyance for a second before shrugging indifferently.

"Sure, why not?" Valentine chirped in a faux-saccharine voice. "It's only right to hear a dead man's last words!"

Steeling my nerves, I widened my grin malevolently and glanced at Soundbite. "Care to do the honors?"

Catching on, the snail's grin matched mine as he started to sing a very _familiar_ tune: "CROC- **O-** _ **DILE,**_ CROC- **O-** _ **DILE,**_ _Mister_ ZERO is CROC- **O-** _ **DILE!"**_

The Officer Agents stiffened in shock as they processed what they were hearing, connections and realizations forming in their minds.

I allowed myself to relax _ever_ so slightly at their expressions. "Welcome to our boat, you two. Now, you've got two options: join us and help tear Baroque Works to pieces, or stay your course and get 'dealt with' by the 4 through 1 teams, if the desert Croc doesn't decide to deal with you himself."

Valentine looked on the verge of panic for a bare moment before she was distracted by 5 snapping his fingers in her face. The dark-skinned man gave her a flat look before gesturing at the treeline around us. She and I looked up in confusion, but after a minute of searching I _still_ couldn't-!

Valentine and I made the connection simultaneously, the cheery woman grinning sadistically while I simply chose to let out a huff of exasperation. "Tsk... those pests really _are_ unlucky..." I grumbled. "There when you need them the least, nowhere to be seen when you need them the most. Damn it..."

"Well, now that your little ploy has backfired _spectacularly,_ guaranteeing that we really _will_ kill you," Mr. 5 growled as he dug his finger in his nose. "Any _actual_ last words?"

I tried to smile, I really, _really_ did... but in the end, I was no D. I swallowed and grimaced fearfully as I took a step back. "Any chance you could make this fast?"

Valentine's smile sadistic from ear-to-ear, sadistic bloodlust present in every inch of her being. "Not in this life."

The pair took a step towards me...

And promptly jumped as the sound of undergrowth and vegetation snapping and tearing erupted behind them, followed swiftly by the sound of something _very_ big breathing and sniffing at the air.

As the pair started to look behind themselves, I glanced at Soundbite at the same time that he glanced at me. The second our eyes met, an unspoken message passed between us.

" _Stop!"_ I hissed, pumping as much desperation and terror into my voice as I could while keeping the volume extremely low. " _Don't. Move. And don't. Make. A sound!"_

The pair did as I ordered, freezing at my tone of voice.

" _Listen to me_ very _carefully..."_ I whispered, eyeing the jungle behind the two with borderline panic. " _There is a Tyrannosaurus rex standing_ right behind you."

Valentine swallowed heavily, twitching slightly as she fought her obvious reaction. " _When you say there's a T. rex..."_ she started at the same volume as me.

" _I mean that at a glance, I'd say there are thirteen meters and fuck-you-tons of_ very _hungry muscle and teeth standing a few feet behind you, now shut up and_ don't move!" I interrupted her desperately as the two started to turn around. " _I_ think _I read somewhere that a T. rex's vision is based on movement. So long as we stay still and stay_ quiet, _there's a chance we'll walk away with all our limbs!"_

Mr. 5 ground his teeth furiously for a moment, but promptly flinched as the sound of sniffing sounded out again. " _And what if the damn thing manages to_ smell _us?"_

" _Then we_ **just need to be faster** _ **than you!"**_ Soundbite intoned venomously.

" _Can't you just blast it like you've been doing to the others!?"_ Valentine demanded frantically.

" _The others didn't sneak up behind me and give me only a few feet of leeway!"_ 5 shot back. " _If I'm not fast enough on the draw, then one of us'll be dino-chow!"_

" _Look, it's fine, alright!?"_ I whisper-shouted hurriedly. " _W-we just need to wait until the damn thing loses interest and moves on, and then we'll be in the clear!"_

Valentine made to respond, then shivered heavily as a particularly loud snort sounded above her umbrella. " _And how long do you think that'll take!?"_ she hissed desperately, shivering in terror.

" _With any luck?"_ I twitched my shoulders slightly in a shadow of a shrug, causing the Officers to tense up. " _Not too soon, otherwise we're all dead-!"_

 _ **BOOM!**_

It was a true testament to the steel of our wills - or perhaps the absolute terror we all felt - that none of us moved or made a sound as a volcano erupted somewhere in the distance. The ensuing roars of pride and the cacophony of trees snapping like toothpicks did little to aid with our countenance. For a moment, we stood tense, waiting for _some_ sign that something else was about to happen. When nothing moved, we allowed ourselves to relax slightly...

" _ **AH-CHOO!"**_

At which point Soundbite jerked and released a massive sneeze.

" _ **GREEEEEEAAAARGH!"**_

" _KYAAAAAH!"_ Miss Valentine shrieked at the top of her lungs, literally jumping _several_ dozen feet in the air in her panic.

Mister 5, on the other hand, immediately swung around, whipping his finger out of his nose and firing his explosive boogers dead ahead, blasting the jungle to pieces. "NOSE FANCY CANNON!"

As for me?

The second the two had started moving, I'd pulled a 180 and started booking it through the jungle as fast as I could possibly go, pushing my body to put as much distance between me and those two whackjobs as was humanly possible.

After all, they would very soon find out that there was no T. rex, and I didn't intend to stick around to observe the _very_ literal blast radius that would almost certainly ensue.

 **BOOM!** A wave of hot, rushing air washed over my back. " _YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH!"_

Called it!

"PIRATE, JACKASS! THAT'S OUR WHOLE SCHTICK!" I fired back at him.

"EAT THIS!"

I winced as the ground just behind me was blown to kingdom come before smirking back at the bomber. "HAS ANYONE ELSE TOLD YOU YOU HAVE AN EXPLOSIVE TEMPER, OR AM I THE FIRST?" I hollered over my shoulder. "AT THE LEAST, _SOMEBODY_ HAS TO HAVE TOLD YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT ALL THAT BRI-!"

"10,000 KILO-PRESS!" CRASH!

"- _AGH!"_ I yelped, jumping forwards hastily as the canopy above where I'd been moments ago _imploded_ , allowing the world's most literal bombshell blonde to crush the space I'd occupied less than a second prior.

"I am going to crush you _piece by piece!"_ Miss Valentine snarled at me, veins clearly standing out on her forehead.

"You'll need to _catch_ me first!" I shot back as I weaved through the treeline.

" **RUN RUN RUN** _as fast as you can!"_ Soundbite chortled.

"Wish granted! _1 KILO-SPRINT!"_

Before I could react a blur of yellow sprinted past me at inhuman speeds. Valentine promptly spun around and slid to a stop, kicking up a dust cloud as she held her arm out. "1,000 KILO-LARIAT!" she spat venomously.

Barely even thinking, I hastily tried to dig my heels into the earth in an attempt to kill my momentum before I rammed face-first into what was no doubt a _very_ hard limb. Thankfully for me, the soil I was running on was _just_ loose enough that when I 'applied the brakes', so to speak, it gave way, causing me to fall on my ass and go under the Agent's arm in a pale imitation of a baseball slide.

Before Valentine could react properly, I'd scrambled back to my feet and taken off again, weaving through the densest vegetation I could find. Soundbite aided in my escape just as much, if the sounds of running that were coming from all sides were anything to go by.

After a minute or so, I heard the telltale sounds of someone _else_ giving pursuit, _far_ too close to me for comfort. Thinking fast, I ducked into the closest bush I could find and pressed myself to the ground, trying to control my breathing. The volume that my heart was pounding at wasn't doing my psyche any favors.

I tensed as Mr. 5's voice suddenly shouted through the jungle. "DO YOU SEE HIM, MISS VALENTINE?"

My blood practically froze as Miss Valentine's voice came from somewhere _much_ closer. "NOT YET, MISTER FIVE, BUT I'M NOT STOPPING UNTIL I HAVE THAT BASTARD'S SKULL BENEATH MY HEEL!"

' _Oh go to hell!'_ I thought furiously to myself. I then blinked as an idea struck me. " _Soundbite,"_ I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.

The snail glanced at me furtively, blinking to acknowledge that he'd heard.

" _Valentine's voice coming from her direction to 5, but don't let her hear it!"_

A few moments later, a telltale electronic whine told me I was good to go.

" _I'VE GOT HIM, MISTER FIVE!"_ I faux-hollered as quietly as I could, allowing Soundbite to handle the rest. " _HE'S IN THIS GENERAL AREA! FLUSH HIM OUT!"_

"ON IT! DOUBLE NOSE FANCY-!"

"Wait, wh-!? _MISTER FIVE, WAI-!"_

"CANNON!"

 **BOOM!**

I flinched as a section of the jungle that was _far_ too close for comfort was suddenly immolated.

" _ARGH!"_

I blew a sigh of relief as I heard Valentine screech in pain, hastily taking the opportunity to crawl out of the bush and creep away in a crouch.

Meanwhile, behind me, the duo reunited.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!?"

"What the-!? Why didn't you get out of the blast radius, Valentine!?"

" _I_ wasn't the one who called for the damn attack!"

"What are you-! That damn _snail!"_

"Don't worry, there's a bright side: that bastard isn't as subtle as he thinks he is. I've got his trail! This way!"

I barely managed to refrain from cursing as I heard the Agents start to head in my direction again. Acting out of desperation, I started to stand up and run...

"ACK!" SPLASH!

And promptly caught my foot on a root and landed face-first in a _very_ disgusting puddle of water. Sputtering and hacking furiously, I started to push myself up... and immediately winced as Soundbite sank his teeth into the side of my neck. "What the hell are you-!?"

" _Stop! Don't. Move. And don't. Make. A sound!"_ Soundbite hissed in _my_ voice, sliding off my shoulder and coating himself in the muck we were laying in.

I stared at him in confusion for a moment before managing to actually catch _sight_ of the grime: a viscous brown-and-green liquid... that was colored a _lot_ like what I was wearing.

Before I could react further, the two current banes of my life spoke up _literally_ five feet away from me. Acting out of desperation, I pressed myself as deep into the muck as I could allow, leaving myself _just_ enough space to breathe.

"Tsk... _damn it..._ I can't find any more tracks, you?"

"Same here. No matter, he must be hiding _somewhere..._ Flush him out, Mister Five!"

"On it, Miss Valentine. NOSE FANCY CARPET BOMBING!"

I was barely able to contain my wince as yet another explosion shook the world, followed closely by another, and another... it was with grim resignation that I realized that the explosions were slowly starting to come closer and closer to me.

"Kyahahaha!" Valentine's by-now-sickening cackle wafted through the air. "You might as well give up now, snail-man! Who knows? Maybe I'll show you _some_ mercy if you surrender!"

"I certainly won't," came Mr. 5's bone-chilling follow up.

Yet _another_ explosion erupted, only this time, it _literally_ shook my world, on account of being a mere few feet in front of my face.

My heart pounded furiously in my chest as I tensed up. Whether I was preparing to bolt or preparing to endure a point-blank explosion, I'm not entirely sure myself. But in the end... it didn't matter.

"What in the blue hell do you two think you're doing!?"

My opinions on the new voice were mixed. On the one hand, I was no longer in danger of being blasted into paste. On the _other,_ having Mr. 3 get involved in this clusterfuck did _not_ seem like much of an improvement to the situation.

"M-M-Mister 3 sir!" Miss Valentine stammered fearfully. "W-We happened to encounter one of the Straw Hat Pirates and were giving pursuit, but he managed to hide! W-we were just-!"

"Announcing our presence to the _giants,"_ 3 cut her off firmly, his voice brooking absolutely _no_ argument. "Have you forgotten that in order for our operation to be successful, we must maintain our anonymity at all costs?"

"Which is why we need to find the pirate!" Mr. 5 cut in hastily. "If he gets away-!"

"Was this _pirate,"_ I could hear the sneer in 3's voice as he interrupted. "One of the priorities?"

"N-no? He was just-"

"And did he have any Devil Fruit powers?"

"Uh... no?" Valentine answered hesitantly. "But this transponder snail he has does..."

"Irrelevant." The lump of mud that was Soundbite twitched slightly, but thankfully remained silent. "The point is that he's a normal human wandering around in a prehistoric jungle, most likely with no idea of where he is. We don't need to hunt him down, we just need to let nature run its course. Besides, even if he survives, he will be too preoccupied doing so to do anything to help his comrades. He is _not_ a priority."

"But-!"

I heard the sound of… actually, I had no idea _what_ that sound was, but it shut Mr. 5 up very quickly. Going by the sounds of struggling and muffled screaming I could hear, I assumed that it was Mr. 3's wax powers at work.

"This is not up for discussion. You two _imbeciles_ have wasted enough time already. Get to your positions, and capture the princess. _Now._ "

A few moments later, twin gasps sounded out, followed by desperate hacking and wheezing.

"Oh, and before you go," Mr. 3 spoke up again, his voice devoid of emotion. "I just wanted you to be aware of something: should we fail and the pirates manage to escape... you will join my collection in their stead. Is that clear?"

5 and Valentine's heavy gulps were audible even to me. "Crystal, Mister 3."

"Perfect. Now _move."_

I tensed slightly as the Agents started moving, but allowed myself to relax when they moved _away_ from me. After about a minute, any sounds of them faded into the ambient noises, before ultimately disappearing completely.

I gave them a minute more... then jerked up and out of the muck puddle with a desperate gasp, hacking and spluttering furiously in an effort to clear my mouth. "Oh dear mother of god that was too close..." I wheezed, heaving miserably.

" **Worked,** _though!"_ Soundbite piped up as he shook both himself and his shell in an effort to dislodge the grime. "LITTLE HELP?"

"Yeah yeah, sure..." I picked the snail up and plopped him down on a nearby tree branch. I then proceeded to start working my coat off. "I'm gonna take a sec to try and get this gunk off of me. Do me a favor and keep an ear out for any creepy-crawlies?"

" _You're_ GOOD!" Soundbite reassured me as he continued to shake himself down, dislodging substances from different parts of his shell.

"Perfect," I nodded as I started to shake my jacket out. I thanked my lucky stars that the Blue Seas textile industry was advanced enough to utilize polyester, or at least something like it; if this was going to become a trend, then I'd be out of jackets by Alabasta!

"By the way," I noted as I glanced up at Soundbite. "Nice going with Audiosaurus rex. Very innovative."

"THANKS! I'M **just happy you** _**MANAGED TO CATCH ON!**_ " Soundbite chirped. " _I WAS just following_ **your advice** _AND USING_ **MY ABILITY** _ **in unique ways!"**_

"Speaking of..." I grunted slightly as I balanced against a tree and worked one of my boots off, upending it and tapping it out firmly. "How'd you miss lady canary and the deadpan wonder?"

Soundbite promptly grimaced in embarrassment, retracting into his shell as he hocked out a bit more mud from within. "THEY WEREN'T _speaking_ **and there's too much data.** _IN THIS JUNGLE,_ **THEY COULD HAVE BEEN** _ **anything from**_ MONKEYS **to hippos."**

I shrugged as I slid my jacket back on. "Sounds rough, but hey, look on the bright side: you don't have to handle it alone, no?"

The transponder snail slid out of his shell and looked upwards in thought for a moment before grinning and nodding in agreement. " _True,_ **true!** _ **So...**_ " He eyed me curiously. "WHAT _NOW?"_

"Now?" I picked up Soundbite and placed him on my shoulder before starting to make my way through the jungle towards one of the skull-mountains. "Now you ring up Pinky and the Brain so that we can fill in the rest of the crew about the fact that there are Baroque Works agents on this island who want not just our heads, but Dorry and Broggy's as well."

Soundbite's grin widened even further. " **WAY AHEAD OF YOU!"**

I glanced at the snail in confusion. "The heck are you talking about?"

Without warning, Soundbite's expression shifted to one of familiar concern. " _He's talking about the fact that he's been blocking our voice for the past ten minutes!"_ he blurted out in Vivi's voice.

My jaw dropped open in shock. "Holy- you've been keeping the calls going _this whole time!?"_

" _I MAKE_ **multitasking** LOOK GOOD!" Soundbite crowed.

" _You can ring your own bell later, Soundbite,"_ Nami ordered firmly. " _Cross, are you alright?"_

I blew out a heavy snort as I ran my fingers through my muck-ridden hair. "I reek like Zoro after a full hour of training and I might have shaved a year or two off my golden years, but... no, no, I think I'm good. What about the rest of you?"

" _Nami and I are fine over here!"_ Usopp piped up. " _We decided to stay put! Dorry and Broggy's duel ended in a draw a few minutes ago, and they sounded alright too."_

" _Carue and I are fine as well!"_ Vivi concurred. " _Luffy tried to go and help you the second he heard you were in trouble, but..."_

Suddenly, Soundbite belted out the sound of crashing trees and vegetation. " _ALRIGHT, YOU BAST-! What the-!? Ah c'mon, not again!"_

" _Thank god for small mercies and Luffy's inability to tell left from his own ass..."_ Nami sighed in relief.

"Tell me about it..." I muttered to myself before raising my voice. "Hey Luffy, I'm fine, I managed to ditch them! For now, you need to stick with Vivi, they're _specifically_ aiming for her. If you aren't around to protect her, then she's a dead woman. And!" I hastily spoke up before Luffy could protest. "If you stick around her, then chances are that sooner or later those Baroque bastards will come to you! Alright?"

" _Mmmph..."_ Luffy grumbled juvenilely. " _Well... I don't like it, but... ah, alright."_

" _Uh, that's great Cross,"_ Usopp spoke up hesitantly. " _But if Luffy's protecting Vivi and Zoro and Sanji are out who knows where for their hunting contest... then who the heck is protecting us?!"_

" _That'll be us, little long-nose! Right, Dorry?"_

" _Right you are, Broggy!"_

I sighed in relief as the giants' voices came over the connection. "Glad to hear you two are still in one piece. How much did you hear?"

" _Enough,"_ Broggy grunted darkly. " _To think someone would dare to interfere with our ancient duel..."_

" _If I had to guess, I'd say that they're after our bounties,"_ Dorry grumbled. " _Knowing the World Government, they're probably still active, even a hundred years after we were last seen."_

" _Whatever their reason, it doesn't matter!"_ Broggy asserted firmly. " _If they wish to battle with warriors of Elbaf, then it is a battle we will give them!"_

"Best not to just rush in ham-handed though, alright?" I cautioned. "We have no idea where they are, and at least two of them have Devil Fruit powers. That's a recipe for an ambush." I frowned, wondering how to reveal Mr. 3's powers before a stroke of inspiration hit me. "Vivi, you were investigating them, right? I don't suppose-?"

" _R-Right! Um… well most of you have already seen Mr. 5 and Ms. Valentine. They're Officer Agents, Agents with numbers 5 and below. Most Officers have Devil Fruits, and these are no exception. Mr. 5's Boom-Boom Fruit allows him to detonate any part of his body like dynamite, and Ms. Valentine's Kilo-Kilo Fruit allows her to change her weight from one to 10,000 kilograms."_

I frowned as I heard a sound in the background where Vivi was talking. Some kind of sloshing?

" _As for the other pair… I know Mr. 3 uses the Wax-Wax Fruit, which does exactly what you'd think it does."_

" _Wait, that guy makes wax?!"_ Usopp wondered incredulously. " _And he's higher-ranked than the guy who can blow up his body?"_

"Never underestimate Devil Fruits, Usopp," I cautioned, still straining for that background noise. "An old adage concerning them is that there are no useless powers, only useless power-wielders. Just look at our captain if you need any convincing. I'm assuming this is the case here?"

" _Y-Yes,"_ Vivi stammered. " _The wax he produces is so thick that it's as strong as steel, and he can freely shape it. One of the ways that comes up a lot is making wax swords. Very large, very deadly wax swords."_

" _... Okay, withdrawn,"_ Usopp whimpered.

" _Unfortunately, I don't know much about his partner, Ms. Goldenweek, just that she looks like a child and she's_ somehow _capable of manipulating emotions with paint. Considering how the first time I saw her she was liberally swimming, I think it's not so much a Devil Fruit as it is some form of hypnosis."_

There was a moment of silence before Nami and Usopp swallowed heavily. " _Uh-oh..."_

" _What? What is it?"_ Carue quacked nervously.

" _The last time Luffy went up against a hypnotist, things... didn't end well..."_ Nami hedged uncomfortably.

" _Shishishi! I went on a rampage!"_ our captain provided cheerfully.

" _THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF, MORON!"_ the two other _actual_ humans on the crew shrieked furiously.

" _Well, either way, as dangerous as she and Mr. 3 are on their own, you need to be careful of what they can do together,"_ Vivi warned us firmly. " _Thanks to Goldenweek's paint, Mr. 3 can create wax mannequins of anyone he desires that are accurate in all but breathing. If you see someone standing stock still,_ run. _Chances are that they're a trap."_

" _Bah! Then we'll just have to make sure to step on her first before she can paint anything! Right, Dorry?"_

" _Indeed, Broggy! Besides, even if the little human goes on a rampage, he should be containable."_ There was a loud thump on the other side of the line, like something heavy being dropped. " _After all, he might have heart, but he's just a little tyke! GEGYAGYAGYA!"_

I frowned as I listened to Dorry laugh. Something was off... it was almost as if he were... _GARGLING!?_

"Dorry, are you drinking something?!" I demanded hastily, fighting to keep the panic out of my voice.

" _Hm?"_ the giant's voice jumped in surprise, followed by the sound of what was most likely an empty cask hitting the ground. " _Just some ale Broggy and I picked up from your ship on the way back from our duel. We warriors of Elbaf always drink before our next fight! Why?"_

My heart pounded in my chest as I fought my kneejerk reaction. "You got them from our ship, our _abandoned_ ship that nobody's been standing guard on for the past _hour."_

" _Yes, that's right, what of-?"_

" _Oh no..."_ Vivi breathed as she caught on to what I was saying. " _MISTER DORRY! GET RID OF THAT BARREL, QUICK-!"_

 _ **BOOM!**_

Soundbite and I jumped as an explosion echoed both in the distance and over the connection.

" _WHAT WAS THAT!?"_ Usopp shrieked fearfully.

"Those bastards must have laced our barrels with explosives after we left the ship!" I explained, silently cursing myself for not picking up on what was happening sooner. Things were happening fast, way _way_ too fast. "Vivi, for the love of god, _tell me_ that thing didn't go off in his stomach!"

" _No, no, it wasn't that bad, but..."_ I could _hear_ the frustration in the princess' voice. " _It went off right in front of his face. Broggy, h-he's breathing, but-!"_

" _Aye, don't worry about it, that's not the first explosion we've taken to the face and it won't be the last. He'll be groggy for a few days, but as long as he doesn't try to fight during that time he'll be fine."_

As if on cue, there was a loud boom as one of the volcanoes erupted again.

" _...sometimes, I respect Elbaf to death and back. Others, I think he simply enjoys picking on us."_

All of a sudden, the sound of moaning came over the connection.

" _M-Mister Dorry-!"_ Vivi stammered.

" _What the heck!?"_ Carue squawked.

" _Hey, Dorry's getting back up!"_ Luffy said eagerly.

There was a moment of silence before Broggy groaned warily. " _...uh-oh..."_

"What, what is it?" I asked hastily.

" _If Dorry's not thinking straight, then there's a chance that he could go force himself into a-!"_

" **RAAAAAGH!"**

I jumped as an infuriated roar ripped through the air from the direction of the skull-mountain, followed by the earth shaking repeatedly.

" _Berserker rage._ Damn it, Dorry!" Broggy cursed furiously.

" _W-what the-!? Where are you going, Broggy!?"_ Usopp squawked.

" _Dorry's going on a rampage! He won't stop until someone's stopped him the hard way!"_

" _But with the condition he's in-!"_ Nami started to protest before the giant cut her off.

" _I won't actually try and hurt him! He's not in proper fighting condition, and he's certainly not in his right mind. There would be no honor in beating him as he is! I will hold him off and knock him unconscious. Straw Hat! You might be small, but... I believe that you are strong. Can I trust you to deal with the interlopers?"_

There was a moment of silence. Then...

" _HELL YEAH!"_ Luffy bellowed furiously.

" _Very well then! I leave the rest to you! Good luck, Straw Hats! Now then, if you'll excuse me..._ **RAAAAAAGH!"** Broggy roared in turn, and the earth shook, harder and harder, until for the second time that day the titans clashed anew.

" _Cross, I'm going after these guys,"_ Luffy growled darkly. " _You got a problem with that?!"_

"Just give me a second to outline the plan, alright?" I hedged hastily.

" _Hurry up!"_

I flinched slightly at the impatient tone Luffy directed at me, but I shrugged it off. In the face of what had just happened, I'd probably want to punch someone in the face too. Matter of fact, I kind of _did_ want to punch someone in the face, preferably someone whose codename was either a date or a number.

"Alright, the plan is simple..." I shrugged flatly, more for my benefit than anything else. "There is no plan. Run hog wild, just make sure you stick together while you do."

" _Are you serious!?"_ Nami demanded incredulously.

"Deadly," I confirmed, my voice as even as possible. "The fact is that we're currently playing a hunting game with these bastards: we're hunting them, they're hunting us. We've got an advantage in that they don't know that we know they're hunting us, but because we won't be able to keep track of them easily, that's worth jack. As it is, our only option is to come at them harder than they can come at us. Just make sure that you don't get separated so that you can't be ambushed. In the meantime, Soundbite and I will try and find Zoro and Sanji so that we can warn them about what's going on. For now the name of the game is survival. Got it?"

" _Right."_

" _Got it!"_

" _G-g-got it..."_

" _... watch your back, Cross."_

"That's Soundbite's job, Nami," I joked. "Alright everyone, be careful and try and maintain transponder snail contact. Good luck and godspeed."

I picked up my pace, rounded a corner in the corridor of vegetation...

And promptly blinked in honest shock as I caught sight of the two figures that were sitting on a log not five feet in front of me. Before I could properly formulate a response, I found myself blurting the first thing that came to mind.

"I thought we shot your fur-coated asses down over Whiskey Peak."

If the way their sunglasses flashed was anything to go by, the Unluckies did _not_ appreciate my comment.

For a minute, we just stood there, staring at one another. Everything was silent: the jungle, the the Unluckies, me... finally, I tilted my head towards Soundbite. "Can't you translate for them?" I demanded quietly.

" _They ain't_ **saying nothin'** ABOUT NOTHIN'!" Soundbite hissed back in an equally disturbed tone of voice.

"Of course they're not..." I ground out.

Just as the staring contest was about to resume, the sound of vegetation snapping and crunching echoed from behind the animal assassins, though neither of them made to look at it, or even reacted in the slightest.

I, on the other hand, looked past them and promptly stiffened in shock.

"I don't suppose either of you would believe me if I told you that there was a Tyrannosaurus rex _right_ behind you, would you?" I breathed.

Mr. 13 snapped his shell out into a pair of clawed bivalve seashells, while Miss Friday flared her wings and levelled a pair of high-calibre machine guns that were positioned on her back at my face.

I swallowed heavily before plastering what was most _definitely_ a crazy grin on my face. "Your loss. Soundbite?"

My snail flashed a crazed grin of his own before sucking in a deep breath. " **HEY!** BIG **GREEN** _AND_ _ **UGLY!"**_ he roared.

" _ **GROOOOOAAAAAAAAR!"**_

Mr. 13 and Miss Friday both jumped clean off their log in terror when the _massive_ tyrant lizard behind them stomped the earth and roared in response.

Before either they or the T. rex could react further, I dashed straight at the dinosaur, ducking beneath the reptilian titan's slavering jaws and darting between its legs and under its massive girth. It took all my nerve to keep from freezing as the prehistoric monstrosity's tail swished _just_ above my head, mere inches from braining me. Once I was clear, I _kept_ running, forcing myself through the jungle and as far from the three monsters behind me as I could get.

What followed is honestly kind of a blur. I know I was running for a long-ass time, and the sound of explosions and splintering trees were a constant companion, but a few select moments managed to stick out from the sheer chaos.

I remember slamming into Zoro, going too fast to stop, and luckily managing to plant my shoulder in the Calming Green painted on his back. Naturally, he nearly took my head off a few seconds after, and the sounds of fighting promptly drew us in opposite directions.

I remember getting cornered by Mr. 5, ready to hit me in the face with an explosive lariat, only for Usopp to hang himself upside down out of a tree and nail the assassin in the face with a rotten egg. The ensuing pursuit allowed me to slip away.

I remember Mr. 3, in his Candle Champion armor, fighting a running battle with Luffy and coming within feet of crushing me flat, only to fall flat on his ass as Soundbite goaded a small herd of Pachysee... Pachyche... _headbutt dinosaurs_ into charging him.

I remember, for some odd reason, getting in a baton-to-staff-to-whatever-the-hell-those-things-were melee-a-trois between me, a shirtless Nami and a _very_ exasperated Vivi while riding on Broggy's shoulder. Though now that I think about it, the combination of black and red that was smeared across our navigator's stomach might have had something to do with that particular debacle.

And, of course, it was rather hard to forget Soundbite leading all the combatants into a rousing dance number set to Gangnam Style. Though, to be fair, I _might_ have taken a blow to the head just before that, so take that one with a grain of salt.

When things finally died down, I was left leaning heavily against a splintered tree, my chest heaving frantically as I tried to catch my breath. "Alright..." I panted desperately. "Count 'em. Mister Five?"

" _Down with a case of severe tropical food-poisoning courtesy of over a dozen berries going down his throat,"_ Usopp wheezed.

"Miss Valentine?"

" _Considering how I literally broke my fucking staff over her skull? I damn well_ hope _she's down!"_ Nami snarled. " _That thing was freaking expensive!"_

"Miss Goldenweek?"

" _Hanging fwom a bwanch ovah a vewwy wivewy swamp by her seagull-pattern boxah shorts,"_ Carue snickered.

"And Mister Three?"

" _It's going to take weeks to work this dent out of my helmet's crest, but I'm fairly certain he's unconscious,"_ Dorry huffed petulantly, albeit with a slight slur.

"Oh thank god..." I groaned, starting to slide down the side of the tree before stiffening in realization. "Waaait... anyone got eyes on the Unluckies?"

 _RATATATAT!_

"SONNUVA!" I yelped as the wood above me _exploded_ in a shower of fire and splinters, prompting me to start running _again._ "Scratch that! They're on top of me! I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd _seriously_ appreciate some-!"

" _ **BELAY THAT!"**_ Soundbite suddenly barked in my ear.

"Wait wha-?!"

" _Hard right! Hard right!"_ Soundbite shouted, jerking his mass to the side frantically.

I hesitated for a bare moment before following his orders, hanging a hard right and sprinting dead ahead. I seriously _hoped_ that whatever Soundbite's miracle solution was worked, because my body was _really_ starting to ache, and if those noises behind me were anything to go by, then those animal bastards were catching up. Unless _something_ managed to shake them-!

Oooooh...

"Smart snail..." I breathed.

Soundbite cackled for a moment before darting his eyes to the side. "HIDE! _HIDE!"_

Complying with his demands, I promptly dove into some nearby bushes, pressing myself as hard against the ground as I could manage. The sound of me running, on the other hand, didn't die out, instead continuing to rush straight ahead, echoing loud for all to hear.

If they'd been looking, Mr. 13 and Miss Friday would have most likely noticed my trail and shot me dead where I lay.

Pissed off as they were, however, they were content to rely solely on their ears for guidance.

Hence, it was without so much as a hint of hesitation that the Unluckies dove headfirst into an erstwhile innocuous cave.

I shifted the leaves of the bush I was in _just_ enough so that I could shoot a mad grin at the mouth of the cave. "Three... two... one..."

" _SKREEEEEE!"_

" _AAAAAAAAAGH!"_

It took all I had to keep from cackling madly when the Unluckies tore out of the cave's mouth, screaming their heads off as they were ruthlessly pursued by over a dozen relatively large and _extremely_ ticked off theropods.

When the group was finally out of sight, I stood up and strode out of the bush, sighing in relief as I brushed a few stray leaves off me. "Glad that worked..." I mused to myself as I continued watching the direction they'd went in. "Still... troodons, huh? My bet was on-"

" _Hissssss..."_

My spine went ramrod straight as a _very_ unforgettable sound hit my eardrums.

" _ **Scheiße,"**_ Soundbite spat venomously.

Moving _very_ slowly, I turned my head and stared at the dinosaur that was slavering mere feet from my face.

Internally, I couldn't help but boggle at the dinosaur. ' _So... looks like they didn't have feathers after all.'_

Externally, my reaction was much more predictable. "Clever girl..."

" _HISSSSSSS!"_ the velociraptor snarled venomously.

"Oh, how the hell do you even _know_ that reference!?" I demanded incredulously.

The raptor responded by lunging at me-

"POITRINE!"

CRUNCH!

And straight into a _very_ familiar black-clad leg, which was _more_ than strong enough to collapse the dinosaur's ribcage.

I heaved a sigh of relief as the raptor collapsed lifelessly. "You, sir, are almost _legitimately_ god's gift to women. Because _that_ was a freaking miracle."

"You're the wrong gender for flattery to get you anywhere, Cross," Sanji smirked as he examined the raptor's corpse. "But thanks anyways." He looked me over contemplatively. "Geez, you look like crap. What the heck happened?"

I opened my mouth to respond... and promptly snapped it shut. "I'll tell you when we get back to the rest of the crew." I started to walk through the jungle, motioning for him to follow. "We're meeting up at one of the mountains. Come on."

We made it about a meter forwards when the jungle parted before us, allowing a T. rex to stride forwards and level a glare at us.

Sanji blew out a contemplative cloud of smoke as he eyed the tyrant lizard. "Well now... aren't _you_ a big one." A grin spread across his face as he started to stride forwards. "Marimo, you are going _do-!"_

"WAIT!"

Sanji froze in shock as I stuck an arm in front of him. "What the-!?"

I cut him off with an absolutely _scathing_ glare. "When I set out into this hellhole, I made a solemn _oath_ , and by _god_ I am going to uphold it."

I switched my glare over to the T. rex, causing it to break out in a cold sweat.

"One way... _or another."_

 **-o-**

"PFFFHAHAHAHA! HEEEY NAAA~MIIII~!" I hollered eagerly as I waved my hands in the air. "LOOK WHAT I~'M DOING!"

"Cross, what are you-!? OH, ARE YOU _KIDDING ME!?"_

"HAHAHA! WOOHOO! GO CROSS!" Luffy whooped enthusiastically.

My grin widened even further as Soundbite cackled and hollered on my shoulder. "YEEHAW! YEE- _HAW!_ YIPPIE-KAY-YAY! RIDE 'EM DINO-BOY!"

Nami shrieked in rage once more, but that only made my grin wider still.

Because, at the end of the day... I said I'd do it, and I had actually gone through with it.

Baroque Works, the World Government, Marshall D. Teach... at that moment, I could _not_ give a damn about any of them.

Because at the end of the day? I was ridin' me a T. Rex rodeo-style, and _that_ was just plain awesome.


	12. Chapter 12 - Little Garden Pt 3

**Chapter 12**

"Okay, let's see..." I muttered as I used a stick to add on to the mind-numbingly complicated array of lines I was scratching into the dirt. "So, after you got Mister 5 off my back, you lured him through the jungle for a few minutes until you reached a pond, at which point you were both attacked by a pack of... hippos, right?"

"Uh... no, wait a second..." Usopp interjected, using his own stick to edit the lines. "That pond had flamingoes in it, the hippos were in the swamp about a half hour later."

I blinked at the display in confusion. "Wait, wha-!? But over _here,"_ I gestured at the opposite side of the array. "Nami says that she saw you and 5 getting chased by hippos!"

"Oh yeah, we were split up by the flamingoes, and when we saw each other again we ran into the hippos. No clue how she lost track of time like that, though..."

I hummed thoughtfully as I examined the series of events for a moment before snapping my fingers in realization. "Ooooh, right! She must have seen you _after_ Vivi and I knocked her off Broggy's shoulder. No wonder she didn't remember how things went down!"

"Oh yeah, that makes sense!" Usopp nodded in satisfaction with a smile.

I couldn't help but grin back as I took in the work before me. "Things are finally starting to pull together! Alright, now then... hey, Luffy, could you-?"

"Hey guys!" our captain hollered as he ran up to us. "Whatcha doin'?"

I blinked at Luffy numbly for a moment before responding. "Well, we _were_ trying to map out the exact details of that little bout of madness we were involved in a second ago. But... in light of recent..." I hissed in a sharp breath as I glanced down at what little of our timeline remained beneath Luffy's sandals. " _Developments..._ I'm thinking we just throw in the towel and henceforth refer to this whole clusterfuck as 'the Little Garden Affair'. Agreed?"

"Agreed..." Usopp groaned.

" _Aye-_ **AYE!"** Soundbite snickered in agreement.

"That's cool!" Luffy grinned obliviously at us. "So, are you guys gonna eat anything or what?" He held up two pieces of bone that were covered in what was either ludicrously rare or outright raw meat.

I eyed the 'food' uneasily for a moment before shaking my head. "Thanks but no thanks, I'll wait until Sanji's done cooking something that _won't_ give me salmonella."

" **BLECH!"** Soundbite spat out in agreement.

"Shocking as this might sound, I'm agreeing with the snail on this one, Luffy," Usopp muttered as he shot a wary glance at Soundbite, who merely stuck his tongue out in response.

"More for me then!" Luffy cheered before tearing into the all-too-fresh flesh.

My heart throbbed as Luffy devoured the simultaneously prehistoric-yet-contemporary remains. "Farewell, Rexy," I sighed miserably. "You were a dear friend and a faithful steed. You will be missed."

"Zoro had to _decapitate_ that thing when it tried to eat you after you dismounted it!" Usopp hollered in disbelief.

"I know, but still!" I protested petulantly. "For a brief, _shining_ moment he was mine, and in that time we had a bond! Granted, it was a bond forged via Sanji kicking him into submission, but-!" I cut myself off with a scowl as Soundbite laughed on my shoulder, before gaining a contemplative look as an idea hit me.

"Besides..." I slowly started again. "That's not the important part. The important part was that he was a dinosaur. A dinosaur that I actually, legitimately _rode._ And in the end, riding a dinosaur..." I looked Usopp and Luffy dead in the eyes. "Is a Man's Romance."

The second the words left my mouth, Usopp and Luffy reeled back in shock, gasping deeply.

"A Man's Romance..." Luffy breathed in awe.

"Truly you do us all proud as a gender..." Usopp nodded respectfully.

I swept my hand across my waist as I fell into a bow. "Thank you, thank you, feel free to tip!"

"Hey, 'manly men!'"

We were jerked out of our conversation by an irritated interjection from Nami.

"If you're quite done worshipping Cross's manhood-!"

" _Hahaha_ HOOHOOHOO _ **HEEHEEHEE!"**_

"Please stop, I think Soundbite's about ready to keel over..."

"-then Sanji's finished cooking the meat and we're about to have a meeting so we can discuss how the _heck_ we're going to get off this island. Are you coming or what?"

"Right behind you, Na- _miiii..."_ I choked off slightly as I caught sight of Nami's exposed stomach.

Specifically, the small black dot _clinging_ to Nami's stomach.

The world seemed to gray out around me as I followed Nami on auto-pilot, my eyes trained firmly on the minuscule, practically unnoticeable, _horrifically deadly_ dot that nobody but me had noticed.

This was it. Now or never. _Crunch time._

If I stayed silent, then our navigator would suffer, brushing closer to the reaper then she ever would, at least, as far as I was aware.

If I said anything, then I would be condemning hundreds of people to death, as well as returning thousands _,_ if not _hundreds_ of thousands of unsuspecting civilians to the hands of a despot they were only _just_ enjoying their freedom from.

In the end, it all boiled down to what I valued most: a crowd of faceless people, headed up by several well-defined individuals, or the very real, very present _friend_ who was standing right before me.

Did I risk the one for the many... or did I sell the many for the one?

I was only _just_ aware of someone's voice on the edge of my hearing. "-ross? Cross?"

Nami's form shifted slightly.

The dot started to twitch-

 _SLAP!_

"OW!"

SMACK!

"OUCH!" I reeled back in shock as _something_ slammed dead into my nose, causing me to stumble back.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR, CROSS!?" Nami snarled furiously as she cradled her stinging midsection.

I blinked at her numbly for a second as I processed what had just happened before slowly holding up my hand, displaying the little puddle of ichor I could _feel_ in the center of my palm. "Buh-bug..." I stammered weakly.

Nami blinked at me in shock. "Say wha- Oh _ew!"_ she grimaced in disgust as she noticed the remains splattered on her. "That's... ugh, _gross..._ Thanks a lot, Cross. Couldn't you have just warned me or something?"

"Sorry..." I breathed numbly. "Didn't... didn't think..." I weakly raised a finger and managed to gesture at Nami's stomach. "Did... did it... bite... you?"

"Uh...?" Nami poked at her stomach contemplatively for a moment before shaking her head. "No, I don't think so. Well, thanks for that, I guess. I'd probably be in some trouble if it actually managed to bite me, huh?"

"Some." I parroted weakly.

Nami eyed me suspiciously for a moment before shrugging dismissively. "Well, anyways, come on." She started to walk away, waving for me to follow. "In case you didn't notice, Sanji picked up an Eternal Pose for Alabasta that those animal assassins dropped. We're getting the heck off this rock, so move it, dinoboy!"

"Moving..." I mumbled, forcing my feet into motion as I followed behind the orange-haired woman.

As I walked, I slowly shifted my gaze back to my hand, staring at the ichor that painted my palm just as accusingly as a bloodstain.

As I moved, a singular thought ran through my head over and over again, loaded with a sick mixture of doubt, guilt and horror.

' _What have I done...'_

 **-o-**

One _kickass_ goldfish slaying and twenty-four hours later, we were on our way to Alabasta and _I_ was leaning on the balustrade of the Merry's bow. At the moment, my mind was a million miles away, not out of boredom but out of sheer necessity, because I refused to even _think_ about what I'd just done, the thousands I'd condemned, the sins I could literally _feel_ _crawling on my ba-!_

THUNK!

I moaned into the Merry's woodwork as I thunked my forehead against the railing _again._ God _damn it,_ I needed to find _something_ to distract me, before I turned into a goddamn Linkin Park parody!

"Kaw, k-ello!"

My head snapped up as the sound of an albatross cawing _thankfully_ managed to grab my attention. In a stroke of pure serendipity, a News Coo was flapping down to land on another part of the Merry's railing.

"Greetings!" The bird raised his wing to his cap in salute as he greeted me for a moment before jerking in shock. "Wait, wha-!?"

"Devil Fruit," I deadpanned as I pointed at Soundbite, who was sunning himself on the Merry's railing. "Don't question it, just enjoy the brief period of simplified communications."

"YOU'RE _wel-_ **COME!"** the baby transponder snail sang cockily.

"Uh..." The Coo blinked in surprise for a second before smiling and saluting anew. "Works for me! Anyways..." He shifted his newspaper-laden satchel forwards and plucked one out, proffering it to me. "Morning edition, fresh off the presses! Only one hundred beris!"

"You got it, one second..." I replied as I started to pat myself down. I _knew_ I had _some_ cash or coin on me somewhere, I just had to find it. "While I've got you, I'm curious: how hard is your job? I mean, you fly over the Grand Line, after all. The air's as crazy as the water, and I doubt a lot of pirates are willing to pay at the best of times."

The Coo blinked in surprise at my inquisitiveness before shrugging with a sheepish grin. "Eh, it's a job. And the living I was raised for. Honestly, the real danger is the orcas. Damn things just love to jump out and try to grab us, even when we're coasting a few hundred feet in the air. And sure, a few pirates... and a few ill-tempered marines... try to take swings or shots at us... sometimes successfully..." He raised his wing and showed off a half-dozen glistening scars on his flank. "But then we either blacklist their flags or report their ship-ID, so things work out."

I winced as I took in the poor bird's 'trophies'. "Harsh..." I brightened up as my fingertips came in contact with some paper in one of my jacket's pockets. "Here!" I withdrew a thousand-beri note and held it up for the Coo to see. "900 of that's all yours. Buy yourself some salmon or something, okay?"

The Coo blinked at the bill in shock before nodding eagerly. "T-thank you, sir! That means a lot to me!"

"Please, call me Cross." I smiled as I slipped the bill into his bag's coin slot and took one of his newspapers. "And good luck on the rest of your route, ah..."

"News Coo 1851, but, ah..." He slapped off another salute. "Call me Coo!"

"In that case, happy trails, Coo!" I said as I waved him off.

"You too, Cross!" the albatross waved as he flapped up into the air, soaring high and away in seconds. _Damn._ With that speed, I could see how people only _rarely_ managed to hit them.

I hummed pleasantly as I unfolded my newspaper. "Well, that was nice."

"SYMPATHY _for the_ **FLYING RAT?"** Soundbite snickered.

"Hey, watch it," I huffed as I rapped my knuckles on the gastropod's shell. "Show some respect, it takes guts to land on a ship flying a Jolly Roger."

" _WHAT-_ **ever,"** the snail sniffed in a teenage girl voice, angling his neck to give it more sun.

I rolled my eyes at the ungrateful slimeball before unfolding the newspaper and looking it over. "Let's see..." I mused as I scanned the front page. My eyes widened instantly as I read the headline. "Huh... 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo, huh? Well, it's better than 'the Cannibal', I guess, and 25 million's pretty damn respectable. Either way, welcome to the Grand Line, Romeo." I read the article a bit more and promptly winced. "Though you _could_ stand to lower the body count a _little_ bit..."

I flipped the page and kept reading. "Hmm... one ship lost in the Florian Triangle, loaded with..." I grit my teeth furiously. " _Civilian passengers..._ damn it, Moriah... tsk, what else? Escalation in a rebellion in the West Blue, Revolutionaries have made a move in the South, and... _eesh..._ " I shuddered at the next article. "Captain Eustass Kidd's bounty, escalated to 110 million after... oh, now that's just _wrong..."_ I knew he had a reputation, but come on, a potato peeler _and_ a corkscrew!? Who _did_ stuff like that!? Well, besides the World Nobles, anyways... wait, what about Killer? Shouldn't he be-?

"Oh _hell_ no!" I choked out as I hastily changed the page. That was just-! I froze as I read the article. Oooooh boy...

I hastily tapped on Soundbite's shell. "Connect me to Zoro and Nami, discreetly."

"DON'T **wann-!"**

I snatched the snail off the railing and held him up to my scowling face. "I'm not asking, I'm telling. Connect me or learn the _real_ definition of dehydration via _salt._ _Now!"_

Soundbite blinked at me in fearful confusion before glancing at the newspaper I was strangling. " _Bad?"_

I held up the article in question for him to see. "Deadly. Now _connect me."_

Soundbite scanned the article's title for a moment before widening his eyes in shock and letting loose an electronic whine. " _ **You're live."**_

"Nami, Zoro, come up to the-!"

"Hey Cross!" I jumped as Luffy's voice spoke up behind me, my Captain striding past me and leaping onto his spot on Merry's head. "Whatcha doin'?"

I hesitated for a brief moment as I stared at him before coming to a simple decision: honesty above all else. "I'm meeting with Nami and Zoro somewhere private about a secret that nobody else can learn about no matter what. I'd let you in on it, but..." I shrugged with a sheepish grin. "You're a _bit_ of a blabbermouth, so..."

Luffy blinked at me in surprise before grinning. "Oh, okay! Thanks for telling me! See ya later! Hope your top-secret meeting goes well!"

"Yeah, see you." I waved at Luffy absentmindedly as I walked down the stairs before returning my attention to the snail. "Sorry about that. Meet me at the stern as soon as you can, and try and be discreet. This..." I glanced at the newspaper I was holding uneasily. "This isn't good news I'm carrying."

I only had to pace around for a minute on the Merry's quarterdeck before I was joined by the crew's second and first mates.

"What's wrong, Cross?" Nami asked in concern.

Zoro was far less cordial. "You'd better have a damn good reason for waking me up, Cross."

In lieu of response, I held up my fist and proffered the newspaper I was strangling. "Read," I ordered firmly.

Zoro blinked at me in dull surprise before taking the newspaper and giving it a cursory glance. "And we should care about this 'Kidd' brat... why?"

"Other page, dingus!" I snarled.

"Cross!" Nami exclaimed, staring at me in shock.

I jerked for a brief moment before looking away with a sigh. "I... sorry, sorry, it's just... this is... it's bad. Real bad. Turn... turn the page."

Zoro flipped the page... and promptly stiffened in shock. "Oh boy..."

"Huh? What is it?" Nami asked in confusion.

Zoro held up the article for her to see. Her eyes scanned the headline only to widen in horror. "T-three hundred _thousand!?"_ she sputtered in disbelief.

I shook my head with a sigh as I resumed pacing across the deck. "I asked Vivi how things were a week ago. She said the odds stood at six hundred thousand to four in favor of the Royal Guard. Now with this..." I grimaced darkly for a second before shaking my head firmly. "I can't hide this from everyone, and it wouldn't be right to anyways. We're the top mates of this ship, and the only reason I haven't told Luffy is that he can't zip his lips to save his life." I looked at them firmly, one after the other. "We keep this quiet until we can't, agreed?"

The two glanced at one another for a moment before shrugging in agreement.

"Sounds good to me," Nami nodded.

"You're throwing around a lot of weight for a _third_ mate, you know that?" Zoro observed with a cocked eyebrow but no real heat.

 _That_ drew a cocky grin from me. "It's not like we even remotely resemble a traditional ship. 'Sides." My grin grew wider. "Three's better than one, no?"

Zoro scoffed with a grin as he turned around and started to walk away. "Cocky brat..."

I chuckled slightly and started to follow him _oh geeze._

I only just managed to catch myself on the Merry's railing as I started to keel over. Sweet hell, what was _that?_ Felt like I was floating for a second there...

"Cross?"

"Huh?" I blinked as Nami landed her hand on my shoulder, the navigator looking at me in concern.

"Are you alright?" she asked, worry creeping into her voice.

"Uh..." I stared at her for a second before shaking my head and pulling myself upright. "I... yeah, yeah. Merry must have hit a bad wave or something, who knows. But ah... no, no, I'm... I'm fine."

Nami looked me over silently for a moment before nodding uneasily. "Well... alright... if you say so..." And with a final backwards glance, she walked away.

Soundbite looked me up and down uneasily. "YOU _really_ **okay?"**

"Uh..." I stood silent for a moment before giving him a questioning look. "I... think so? I... I didn't get bitten, right? Nothing landed on me back on Little Garden?"

" **Nope** NOPE!"

"Then, uh..." I nodded firmly as I started walking. "Yeah, yeah, I think I'm good."

Soundbite eyed me skeptically nonetheless.

"Now then..." I scanned the deck for a moment before focusing on Usopp with a grin. "Hey, long-nose!"

"I've already got beef with your snail, do you want me to hate you too!?"

"Whatever, just clam it and listen: I wanna commission some... protection."

 **-o-**

The same time the next day, I was sitting at the kitchen table, my forehead resting on the edge of the woodwork as I nursed a _wicked_ headache.

I couldn't even begin to explain where the damn migraine had come from, just that one second I was fine, the next it felt like someone was trying to drive a railroad spike into my skull... that or someone was just doing their little best to dig their way out.

I moaned plaintively as I rubbed my throbbing temples. Christ, I swear, if Zoro somehow managed to give me a migraine with alcohol fumes alone...

All of a sudden, my stomach growled and flat out _twisted,_ prompting me to grimace miserably. Sweet holy blue hell, did Sanji sneak biscuits into my food again or something!? One of these days that curly blond bastard's culinary experiments were going to _kill_ me.

"-ross? Hello, Cross?"

"Huh-what?" I jerked my head up in surprise, blinking in shock as I took in the rest of the crew standing around me. "Uh... what are... when did you all get here?"

Some of the savvier crewmembers glanced at each other before eyeing me warily.

"We've been trying to get your attention for the past minute, Cross," Vivi started slowly. "You called us in here, remember?"

"Ah..." I attempted to collect my thoughts, a task made difficult by the pain fogging up my head. Ultimately, though, I managed to make the connections I needed and grinned sheepishly. "Ah, right, right. Sorry about that. I've been... feeling a little under the weather recently. Probably just not handling the climate change well or something..."

"Riiiight..." Nami drawled slowly, obviously not believing a word I said. "Anyways, you said it was important?"

"Uh..." I blinked for a second before nodding firmly. "Right, right, very important. Alright, listen: it's about the crew. Or rather, us needing a new crewmate. A new crewmate to... to fill a role."

"And that role would be...?" Sanji trailed off curiously.

"Simple," I pointed at the cook. "What we need is a... is... is a... uh..." I slowly trailed off in confusion. Wait, what was I... talking about? Ergh, my head's... fuzzy...

"Cross?" Nami shook my shoulder slightly.

"Doctor!" I jerked my head up, thankfully managing to clear the fog out of my head. "We-we need a doctor onboard it's... it's very...very dangerous to sail without one. We need one... um..." I grimaced slightly as I rubbed my suddenly throbbing eyeballs. "Need one... right away..."

"You think-?" Whatever was being spoken, I lost track halfway through as a slight whine started to build up in my ears before dying down.

"Ah... sorry, what was that?" I asked uncomfortably as I shook my head. Damn it, what was _wrong_ with me!?

"Do you really think you're doing that bad?" Usopp asked in concern.

"Wh-huh? Me?" I asked in confusion as I pointed at myself. Or... tried to point at myself... damn my arms were heavy... "N... no, no, I'm... I'm doing fine... I... I just meant in general, you know? Things are... are getting dangerous, so we need someone to... to, uh... uh.." I grimaced and shook my head firmly. "What... what was I saying?"

"Cross, you look _really_ sick..." Vivi made to touch me.

"Ah, no, no..." I protested weakly as I waved her off. "I-I'm fine, see?" I started to push myself up to my feet. "Perfectly _fi-!"_ I only _just_ managed to catch myself and lean on the table as the world lurched beneath me.

"Hey, Cross, you alright!?" Luffy asked nervously.

"Um... uh... I ah..." I shook my head blearily as the fog encroached further. Was it just me or were... things getting a little... blurry...

"Actually... I'll, ah... I'll be honest..." I managed to work out as I painstakingly raised a hand to my forehead. "I... I don't... feel so..."

Without warning, the world turned sideways and something thunked against my head. The last thing I saw as darkness leaked into my vision was feet rushing around in front of me.

I could just feel someone... shaking me... somewhere...

And then nothing.

 **-o-**

"...is really... could be... don't know..."

"...if we...? ...can't do..."

I blinked numbly at the wooden ceiling of the Merry's kitchen as I slowly came back to reality, fragments and snippets of voices echoing against my skull. I tried to lean up, but immediately froze as pain rattled my _everything._

' _Sweet Christ on a pikestaff...'_ I thought miserably. ' _This must be how Crocodile felt after going two rounds with Luffy. Damn sandy bastard that he was... is... whatever...'_

"..uh? Cr...? ...oss? ...re you al...?"

I turned my head towards the source of the _voice shit shit shit hurts hurts HURTS!_

Black again.

 **-o-**

"No... how we can... im."

Huh... that sounded like... Nami.

"... to find a... doctor to... cure..."

And was that...Vivi?

I stared at the ceiling for a second before I managed to piece together what I was hearing.

I hissed in a sharp breath as I started to lean up, ignoring the pain wracking my body. ' _No...'_ I thought to myself as I winced painfully. ' _I... I wasn't bitten... I don't have Kestia. I can't let Vivi decide this without knowing everything.'_

"...ross? ... is he talk...? What's..."

"...don't kn..."

"The desk..." I interrupted weakly as I sat up, rubbing my throbbing skull in an attempt to dissipate the pain. "Check... check Nami's desk... the... newspaper..."

"Cross..." I was aware of Nami putting her hand on my shoulder. "Are you sure...?"

I shook my head firmly. "She... she shouldn't say anything either way... without knowing everything. That... that wouldn't be right..."

"Huh?" I could hear a hint of confusion in Nami's voice. "But didn't you already-?"

"No... th-this can't be!"

I shifted my head enough to stare at Vivi, who had slumped to her knees in horror. "The... the Royal Guard..." she breathed, a myriad of emotions muddling her voice.

I winced slightly at the grief-stricken expression the princess was wearing. ' _Damn... I wonder which is worse: the idea the guards she's lived with her whole life are abandoning her family... or the fact that her best friend is the one who got them to defect...'_

"...is he...?"

"...could he-!?"

I shook my head firmly as I realized that they were still talking around me. "Sorry we didn't tell you... Just... didn't want you to worry any more..." I ground out. "Look... whether or not we find a doctor..." I ground out. "Is up to you. You know that... things are worse... and there's always... a chance that... I could get better..."

' _I might not be native, but I'm no Martian. I doubt I'll just keel over from the common cold... though I wouldn't protest getting to Drum before Wapol...'_

"What you have is a _lot_ worse than a stupid cold, Cross!" Nami protested.

I blinked at her in confusion. Where had that non-sequitur come from?

Before I could say anything, though, Vivi spoke up.

"You're right... we need to get to Alabasta as soon as possible..." The princess looked up from the paper with determination burning in her eyes. "And that means we get all hands on deck as soon as possible. We'll find you a doctor, Cross, I promise."

I allowed a smile to slide over my lips. "Thanks Vivi... that means a lot to me..."

' _Hang on, Chopper, we're on our way...'_

"-ait, wh-?"

As my vision started to go black again, I actually welcomed it. My intestines had picked this moment to start dancing the can-can, and I did _not_ want to be conscious for that.

If the parting sounds I heard my body making were anything to go by, there'd be hell to pay for it later.

 **-o-**

I was reawakened by my skull bouncing off one of the sides of my bed as the ship shook violently.

"What the...?" I bit out miserably.

"Cross! Are you alright?" Vivi stood over me nervously, pressing down on my chest. "Don't move, you're in bad condition!"

"What... what's going on?" I managed to grind out.

"I..." Vivi glanced over her shoulder nervously. "I don't know. Things just suddenly became active and... I just don't know..."

I tried to focus on Vivi... and stiffened as I caught sight of what she was wearing.

' _Winter clothes... that means the temperature's dropping... we're getting close to Drum... wait a... shit, that must be Wapol!'_ I made to get up, in spite of my body's protests. ' _Damn it, I need to warn them somehow, can't let that tin bastard get his jaws on Merry!'_

"Wait... Wapol!?"

I blinked up at Vivi in confusion. ' _Wait, how-?'_ I shook my head dismissively. ' _Must have heard his voice, not like he's quiet or I can hear shit...'_ "Who's Wapol?" I fudged curiously.

Vivi gave me a... look I couldn't quite identify before swallowing and looking away. "I'm going to leave you for a second. Do you think you'll be alright?"

I gave Vivi a sickly grin. "Hundred beris says I won't even be awake when you get back..."

As if on cue, a spike of _pain_ shot through my forehead, and things started to go black.

"I win..." I sang drunkenly before going back under anew.

 **-o-**

"-ross! Hey, hey, Cross!"

The next time I woke up, it was to Luffy shaking me awake in an unfamiliar, albeit pleasantly warm, bed.

"Huh-wha...?" I blinked numbly. "Wh... where am I?"

"Cross, listen," Luffy asserted firmly. "We found an island, but there's only one doctor here, who lives on top of a mountain. So, we're gonna climb it."

"SAY WHAT!?"

I tuned out the rest of the crew as they started to argue with Luffy, trying desperately to dissuade him from his insane course of action. Instead, I took in the hut I was situated in: it was... nice. Rustic, I definitely wouldn't mind living here some time.

' _So this is the village Dalton's staying in, huh?'_ I thought blearily, my train of thought wandering aimlessly. ' _What was it called again? Bigtooth? Bigfur? Eh, whatever... wonder if I should get Luffy to ask around a bit? Dunno how much difference knowing where Ace is would make though... After all, we'll see him anyways...'_

I was drawn out of my head by the feeling of something nudging against my shoulder. Twisting my neck slightly, I blinked as I managed to catch sight of Soundbite sitting next to me on the bed, trying to draw my attention.

I blinked at him in confusion for a moment before shooting a tired grin at him. "Hey buddy... how you been?"

Soundbite shot me a shaky smile. "I'M **good..."** His smile died into a grimace. " _ **You're not..."**_

"Yeah..." I winced and rubbed my face miserably. "That's for damn sure... Don't worry though, the crew's gonna fix me right up. It's... not gonna be easy though..." I shot a hopeful grin at him as I held out my palm. "Feel up to braving the elements with me?"

Soundbite shot a glance at the snow-laden window before smirking and sliding onto my palm. " _Let's do it!"_

"Sounds like a plan..." I chuckled as I slid him into one of my coat's inner pockets. I then proceeded to cough loud enough to draw attention to me. "Hey... could I... see that mountain you were talking about?"

"Yeah, sure thing!" Luffy agreed eagerly, sliding under my arm and painstakingly helping me to the window.

There in the distance were the Drum Rockies. They were... glorious... majestic... ah... um... screw it, no way in hell I could be anywhere close to poetic with my head and intestines enacting their suicide pact.

Instead, I settled for giving the geologically hazardous mountains an analytical once-over. "Sheer rock faces?"

"Looks like it!" Luffy confirmed with a grin.

"Inhospitable temperatures?"

"I think I might have frostbite already, and that's just down here..." Usopp whimpered miserably.

"Ravenous beasts?"

" **I heard** _ten_ **SPECIES** _ON THE WAY HERE_ ALONE! **WANTED TO** _**EAT US ALIVE!"**_ Soundbite provided eagerly.

"So... overall, it's a deathtrap?"

"That's... a bit much, but accurate," someone, Dalton most likely, provided.

I was silent for a moment before slowly turning my head to look at the rest of the crew as a goofy grin slid across my face. "Is it my birthday?" I sang dizzily.

"Oh god..." Nami and Usopp groaned miserably.

"Woohoo! We're going up!" Luffy whooped eagerly.

"Woo-!" I threw my arms up alongside his... and promptly started tilting over as my vision turned black. "Oh _son of a-!"_

Once more unto the breach... damn it, I don't even _like_ Star Trek!

 **-o-**

I woke up once again to howling winds and frost biting and nipping at my skin. I blinked at the void I saw stretched out beneath me for a moment, before I was suddenly jerked and a blob of yellow moved in front of my vision.

Acting on impulse, I snapped my hand out and plucked a _very_ important straw hat out of the air.

"Pfffhahahahaaaa..." I wheezed breathlessly as I twisted my torso back and plopped the hat back on Luffy's head. "Careful, captain... what kind of king would you be if you lost your crown?"

"Thanks Cross..." Luffy mumbled out around Sanji's coat. "How're you doin'?"

"Me? Ahh..." My head was burning up, my throat was sore, my intestines were trying to set a world record in knot-tying...

I turned my head around and stared down at the ground, far, _far_ below us. I grinned as wide as I could manage. "I'm on top of the world, cap'n, or at least, I'm halfway there..." I looked at our unconscious cook, who was _literally_ hanging on by the skin of his teeth. "Sanji's not looking that good though... why's he here anyway? Nami browbeat him into going or something?"

"Nah..." Luffy grit out. "He said that..."

" _Snailmail might not be a lovely lady, but right now that doesn't matter."_

I blinked as Sanji's voice sounded out around us. "Soundbite?"

" _What does matter is that he's a brother in arms and a damn good friend. What kind of knight in shining armor would I be if I just left him to die? Besides,"_ I could practically _see_ his smirk, lit cigarette still blazing between his teeth. " _If I left him to our idiot captain, we'd get him back in pieces!"_

"Awww..." I crooned roguishly.

" _N-n-never_ **g-g-gonna L-L-LET** _HIM_ _ **L-L-LIVE IT D-D-DOWN?"**_

"Not on your life..." I snickered back.

"Heheheh..." Luffy chuckled slightly before wincing. "Don't make me laugh... could drop Sanji..."

"Sorry about that..." I winced apologetically. I then blinked as I noticed something else. "Hey... how come we aren't moving?"

Luffy shuddered violently, but it didn't change the fact that we weren't going up any further.

I stared in confusion for a second before grimacing furiously. "Damn it, come on, Luffy, are you really going to let a _mountain_ beat you?"

All I got was heavy panting in response.

I was silent for a moment before craning my neck back, staring at the stormy clouds high above us. "Come on, Luffy... It's only what, half a mile to the top? Little more? Less?"

"'unno..." Luffy shrugged weakly.

"Then why don't you make it up there in one go?"

"Sanji said that doing anything tough could hurt you."

"Screw that noise..." I scoffed. "Sanji and I are tough as nails. Kick this thing's ass in one last blow..."

Luffy stiffened for a moment before twisting his head to blink at me. "You sure?"

"Hell. Yes."

My captain was silent for a moment... before a fire suddenly raged in his eyes. "Hold on tight."

I dug my fingers into his jacket. "Holding."

Luffy snorted out a furious breath before kicking out from the cliff-face and dropping down what felt like over a dozen metres at once.

"GUM-GUM!"

I grinned madly for a moment... before scowling as darkness started to creep in. "Oh _come on,_ now!?" ' _Ergh... when I wake up, it'd better be to either a badass monster reindeer or to an old hag...'_

"ROC-!"

Night night.

 **-o-**

I cracked my eyes open and leaned up with a jaw-breaking yawn as I awoke... and promptly jerked back in shock with a strangled yelp as I caught sight of the _terrifying_ visage in front of me.

"Are you the grim reaper?" I whispered in dull horror.

"Kak kak kak kak! That old bastard only _wishes_ he looked as good as me!"

I heaved a sigh of relief as I slapped a hand to my chest. "Thank god. I'm too badass to die..."

" **HE** _ **LIES!"**_

"Soundbite!" I smiled as I scooped the baby transponder snail off my bedpost. "Thank god you made it, who else would keep me honest?"

"YOU'D _be dead_ **as a doornail** _ **without me!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

"Or me, brat." The ancient yet somehow youthful woman who'd saved me smirked as she held out a hand. "Doctor Kureha, your attending physician."

I took said hand and shook it gingerly. "Jeremiah Cross, your very thankful patient. Sorry if this seems rushed, but mind if I ask for my prognosis?"

" **Give it to me straight, doc!"** Soundbite sobbed through his toothy grin. " _Will ah ever be able to play the violin again!?"_

"Well, your snail's sense of humor is a lost cause, but I think you already knew that..." Kureha mused as she cocked an eyebrow at Soundbite.

"It was long-rotten when I found him, doc," I stated with a shrug and a sigh, ignoring the chorus of raspberries Soundbite blew in response.

"And as for you," Kureha looked at me dead on. "You're currently processing a battery of antibiotics to combat the bacteria in you. You'll need to be kept under observation for a few days, but overall, you seem to be in good condition."

I sighed in relief as I allowed myself to relax. "Thank god again..." I looked at her in concern. "And... my friends?"

"The curly-browed one wrecked his back something fierce and the boy with the straw hat has some of the worst frostbite I've seen in years, but they'll both pull through. The straw hat boy..." She grinned toothily as she took a swig from the bottle she was carrying. "He's something, isn't he?"

"Why do you think he's the current number one contender for King of the Pirates?" I asked with a smile of my own.

Kureha's laughter intensified, and her smile doubled in size.

As she laughed, I allowed myself to muse for a bit. ' _Wonder what I had... I checked myself twice after we left Little Garden, I couldn't have gotten Kestia...'_

"You didn't."

"Huh?" I looked up at Kureha in confusion.

"You didn't have Kestia," she explained with a shrug. "Don't know how you know that name, but what you got was damn close." She jabbed me in the stomach with her bony finger. "A waterborne bacteria known as _vibrio cholerae primogenitalis,_ also known as Primal Cholera. Think of it as Cholera's badass ancestor. If it'd stuck around in you without the right treatment for a day longer, you'd be a dead man walking. No clue how you'd get it though. Not like you'd do anything so stupid as gulp down still water on a prehistoric island though, would you?"

"You'd be surprised," I grumbled darkly as I scratched the back of my head sheepishly. "To be fair, though, it was an accident. See, I was running from a pair of assassins and- _GRGGGH!"_ I cut myself off with a choked squawk as I processed our conversation. Shivering fearfully, I looked at Kureha in confusion. "How... how did you know that I was thinking about Kestia?"

Kureha shrugged indifferently as she took a swig from her bottle. "Because you weren't thinking about it, you were _talking_ about it."

I could all but literally _feel_ the blood escape my face. "I... I said that. Out loud."

"Kak kak kak," Kureha chuckled unforgivingly. "Yes you did, boy. One of the symptoms of Primal Cholera? It gives you a mild brain fever that lowers some of the barriers in your brain. Patients have been recorded unwittingly speaking their minds. Literally. And not just in those rare moments of consciousness, either. "

I drew in a shuddering, desperate breath. "You... you mean... the _entire_ time I've been sick, _I've been running my damn mouth!?"_

"Yes, yes you have."

My blood froze at the _far_ too familiar voice that spoke up off to my side.

Moving _very_ slowly, I turned my head and stared.

Sanji met my gaze coolly as he leaned in the doorway, puffing on a cigarette.

"We need to talk, Cross."

I shuddered violently in terror before slowly turning my gaze on Kureha.

"You wouldn't happen to advocate euthanasia by any chance, would you?"

"KAK KAK KAK KAK KAK!"


	13. Chapter 13 - Drum Island Pt 1

**Chapter 13**

"Doctor," Sanji started politely. "Would you mind giving us some privacy please? It's important."

Ignoring the _desperate_ looks I was shooting her, Kureha sniffed at Sanji before taking a pull from the bottle she was carrying and standing up. "Cocky young bastard, ordering around a young damsel like me in my own damn home... fine, I'll leave you alone."

Sanji opened his mouth... and was promptly forced to bite back a howl of pain as she jabbed a bony digit into his spine.

"For ten minutes," she intoned menacingly. "After that, you're going back in bed, whether you like it or not. Understood?" If Kureha's menacing grin was anything to go by, then she took his whimper of both pain and terror as a sign of consent. "Glad to hear it. Have fun, you two."

And with that, she was gone.

Once the door closed behind the menacing doctor, Sanji and I lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. I was staring at my sheets, whereas Sanji was just staring at me. Clearly, neither of us really knew what to say.

But I knew I had to ask something. I had to know just how deep a grave I'd just dug.

"How much...?" I croaked out weakly.

"We asked around Big _horn_ like you suggested," Sanji promptly interrupted me. "I'm not sure who was more surprised: Luffy at finding out that his brother is waiting for him in Alabasta, or us at finding out that Luffy had brothers, _period."_

I scrunched my eyes shut with a weak laugh. "Brothers. Plural. God _damn_ it... Everything. I told you practically goddamn _everything_ and you _all_ heard it _._ Hell!" I barked out a derisive laugh as I flung my hands up in frustration. "It's probably going to be easier to list what I _didn't_ blurt out than what I did!"

"In your defense," Sanji sighed heavily as he lit a cigarette. "You were pretty damn vague. You dropped a few names, described a few places, things like that. Though..." Sanji sighed heavily as he huffed in a lungful of smoke. "What you said was... revealing, if nothing else. When you talked about Kohza and Cobra, we _almost_ thought you were Baroque Works. But then..." The cook shook his head flatly. "Nojiko, Coby, Patty and Carne, _Kuina..._ that last one, _none_ of us knew, period." He shot a half-hearted grin at me. "Seriously, you should have _seen_ how pale mosshead got. I owe you for that alone."

I, on the other hand, resorted to a simple grimace. "Yeah, I... I can imagine..." I blew a heavy breath through my nose as I massaged my face miserably. "Look, let's... I imagine you have a lot of questions for me, so... go ahead." I waved my hand at him aimlessly. "Let me have it."

Sanji contemplated things for a moment before nodding gravely. "Cross, it is _very_ important you tell me _everything_ you can about _one_ person," he informed me grimly.

I swallowed heavily and slowly nodded. "I should have figured... who is it? Blackbeard? Akainu? Someone in CP9?" I winced as a thought struck me. "If it's Doflamingo, then believe me, man, we need to be careful. I don't even want to contemplate how many ears that bastard has..."

"No, none of those. This is more important than _any_ of them," Sanji sighed. Face serious as a nuclear winter, he slowly walked over to me. I flinched as he dropped his hands on my shoulders and forced me to face him.

"I need you to tell me... about Princess Shirahoshi."

...wait, what?

"Wait, _what!?"_ I sputtered in disbelief.

"You heard me! Tell me about the Mermaid Princess!" And just like that, Sanji was caught up in a full-blown Category 5 Love Hurricane, swirling about the room with hearts in his eyes. "The most beautiful creature beneath the seas, an exquisite example of the feminine form, truly Aphrodite incarnate! You have to tell me all about her, I beg of you, I'll do whatever I have to! Just tell me about her!"

I couldn't help but gape at the display in shock, my mind desperately trying to keep up with what my eyes were telling me.

"WOW..." Soundbite whistled in dull shock.

"Uh... okay..." I hesitated for a moment before speaking. "I'll start by telling you that there are three obstacles in the way of you being able to act as her knight in shining love. First? She's twenty thousand feet below the sea."

"Twenty thousand or a hundred, it matters not!" Sanji swooned. "I will traverse through hell itself to lay eyes upon such a beauty!"

"Riiiight... second, she's constantly locked up in the tower that acts as her room because of how she's being stalked by a local crimelord with a damn dangerous Devil Fruit ability."

"I will beat that blackguard within an inch of his life!" the love cook roared, his mood abruptly switching from sickeningly saccharine to burning hot fury. "Even if I have to fight through an army of such villains, my love will endure!"

My eye twitched at the display. "Alright then... and now for the clincher: she's underage."

Sanji froze, mid-pirouette. "W-what?" he whimpered miserably.

"Yup," I nodded, unable to keep a shit-eating grin off my face at his expression. "She's currently six- ah, no wait. We'll meet her in about two years, she'll be sixteen then. Right now, she should be... what, fourteen? Fifteen? Eesh, that just make it _worse…_ Van der Decken is a creepy bastard, but then again I already knew that."

Sanji stood frozen for a few moments... before falling to his knees and _howling,_ letting out a noise that wouldn't be out of place coming from most wounded animals. " _WHHHYYYYY!? CURSE YOU, FATHER TIME! CUUUURSE YOOOOUUUU!"_

Soundbite cocked an eyestalk with a decidedly unimpressed expression. " **Seriously?"**

"Pfff..."

" _Huh?"_ Soundbite swiveled his eyes to peer at me questioningly.

I couldn't respond. I was too busy hunching over with my hands clamped over my mouth in order to try and contain myself. "Pfff... _pfff..."_

But in the end, I just couldn't do it.

 _PFFFFF_ HAHAHAHAHAHA!" I burst out, flinging myself back on my bed and covering my eyes with my hands as I _howled_ with laughter. "O-O-OH MY _GOOOD, YOUR FA-A-ACE!_ HAHAHAHA!"

Soundbite adopted an even _less_ impressed look, although he was sporting a small smile of his own. " _ **Seriously?"**_

Sanji huffed aggravatedly for a moment before pulling himself together and straightening his clothes out. "I'm _so_ glad my agony is amusing to you, Cross..." he grumbled darkly.

The only response I could muster was a few humorous, if pained, wheezes. My body ached as it shook with mirth, my ribs burned, tears streamed out from under my fingers... but those had nothing to do with the pain.

"T-thanks for that, Sanji..." I managed to bite out as I wiped my eyes. "That... that meant a lot to me."

"Hmph..." Sanji puffed on his cigarette for a moment before smiling slowly. "Anytime, Cross." But as quickly as the smile appeared, it was replaced with a serious expression. "But this isn't the end of things, you know. You _are_ going to have to explain how you know so much."

 _That_ got a wince out of me as I raised a hand. "Look, Sanji..."

" _Cross,"_ Sanji said firmly, cutting off my objection. "We had to deal with you literally shitting the bed for _two days_. You owe us an explanation just for that."

" _And you'll get it!"_ I hastily reassured him. "I'll explain... as much as I can, I swear! It's..." I looked away sheepishly. "It's not like I can hold anything back now and still call myself a Straw Hat, you know? Just... just give me some time, alright? I'll explain everything to everyone once we're all on the Merry. I'd... rather not tell it twice if I don't have to."

Sanji contemplated my words for a moment before nodding slowly. "Alright then... fair enough. But you _will_ tell us everything, right?"

I shrugged with a sheepish grin. "Or at least as much as I can. I... _think_ that Luffy would object to me spilling anything else."

"What, our captain has _other_ secrets?" the cook said, his eyebrow cocked in disbelief.

" _Hell_ no," I snorted. "Sabo and Ace were the only ones he's kept, or at least, the only ones I'm aware of, at any rate. No, Luffy just... doesn't like spoilers, you know?" I couldn't help but chuckle fondly. "He's keen on reaching our destination, sure, but that doesn't mean he wants to know every inch of the journey ahead of time. Get my drift?"

Sanji mulled the statement over for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Yeah... yeah, I understand. Alright, I'll wait until we get out of here. For now, though..." He swallowed with a grimace. "I'm going to get back in bed. I don't want to contemplate what the witch will do to me if she catches up with me right now... Still, I'll check on Luffy. See if he'll want to come and visit you." And with that, he turned around and started to leave.

" **YEAH, YOU'D BETTER RUN!"** Soundbite snickered at his back.

"Ah-! Sanji, wait!" I hastily called out as a thought struck me.

"Hm?" the cook hummed as he glanced back at me.

I hesitated for a moment before asking what was on my mind. "The... the others... the rest of the crew... are they... angry at me or...?"

Sanji contemplated my question for a moment before blowing out a small cloud. "Zoro was grumbling something about you being a hypocrite," I couldn't help but wince self-consciously. "And everyone else is somewhat curious about what you know, but other than that..." He shrugged helplessly. "They were all worried about you, Cross. I don't know what else you want me to say."

I allowed a small smile to cross my face as I lay back in bed. "Nothing. That's... that's enough. Thanks, Sanji."

The cook nodded slowly in agreement. "Yeah... get well, Cross."

And with that, he left.

I lay back in bed for a moment before glancing up at Soundbite. "Alright... time for a damage check. Start by listing all the names I gave."

A half hour later I was slumped back in bed, just a little overwhelmed by how _much_ I'd managed to spill. No exact details, thankfully, and I'd managed to keep mum on a surprising amount of fighting capabilities, but other than that? I'd shared at least half of our future destinations, named a goodly number of future enemies, and blurted more than enough past friends and family members to make things just flat out _weird._

"Oy vey..." I groaned morosely. "Is that the end of it?"

"THAT'S JUST _the names_ **we recognized** ," Soundbite replied, shaking his head.

I eyed the snail warily. "What do you mean by 'recognized'?"

Soundbite tilted his head to the side. " _That thing_ **I ate that** LETS ME _HEAR SO MUCH._ **THAT WAS** _ **an iPhone,**_ **RIGHT?"**

I slapped a hand to my face with a groan. "Son of a- _how much?"_

" _Everything from_ **computers TO** PLANES _AND_ _ **trains."**_

"Newsflash, there are already trains here."

" _ **MAG-lev**_ TRAINS?"

"Fair point..."

" _ALSO,_ **who's** _ **Eiichiro Oda?**_ "

"Uhh..."

" _ **OR**_ _IS IT_ **Goda?** _ **You used both."**_

I started rythmically thumping the back of my skull against the headboard. "For the love of... whenever I mentioned One Piece, did I ever occasionally mention anything about 'volumes'?"

Soundbite shrugged helplessly. "SOMETHING _about a_ **collection MAYBE?** _YOU WEREN'T_ **always** _ **clear."**_

"Yeeeaaah, that figures..." I groaned miserably. "Urgh... damn it, can things-?"

" **AHE-hem!"** Soundbite interrupted me firmly.

"Ah, thanks." I winced in embarrassment. "That was a close one. God knows that Murphy's active around here..."

" _Too close_ FOR COMFORT!" Soundbite scoffed as he jerked his eyestalks to the side.

I blinked in confusion as I followed his line of sight... and noticed a squat figure covered in brown fur and sporting a blue nose standing in the middle of the doorway, _trying_ to hide from me.

' _Yeah, that figures.'_

I blinked at the reindeer for a moment before adopting a flat look. "You _do_ realize that your way of hiding is... _so_ inefficient it hurts, right?"

"EEP!" Chopper squawked in shock before hastily flipping his position.

I cocked an eyebrow at that. "Yeeeaaah... A, I've already seen you, B, that position isn't really that good for spying even when done right, and C? The antlers... _really_ aren't doing you any favors. Just FYI."

" **HEEHEEHEE** _HAHAHA!"_ Soundbite squawked euphorically.

"S-SHUT UP, HUMAN!" Chopper barked out agitatedly. "ALSO, HOW ARE YOU FEELING, IS YOUR FEVER DOWN!?"

"Eh..." I rested my hand against the back of my head contemplatively. "I... think my temperature's a bit high? Not sure, though. Still, overall, I think I'm good..." Without warning, my stomach suddenly rumbled and churned, prompting me to curl up painfully. "Oooookay, apart from that! Do you know where the bathroom is or-?"

"Ah, hang on a minute!" Chopper hastily darted over to the bed and scrambled beneath it. "J-just hold it in long enough for me to change the pan! And also, make sure you're over the hole when you- well, you know!"

I blinked in confusion as I shifted around on the bed. "What ho-oh!" I blinked as I located the hole... then tensed furiously as I became aware of something _else._ "Okay, _who the hell took my pants!?"_

"That was me!" Chopper slid out from under the bed with one of his hooves clamped over his nose, while his other was holding a metal pan as far from his body as he could manage. "Sorry, but we didn't have much of a choice. Normal cholera alone includes diarrhea as a symptom, but Primal Cholera is... much more hostile. This is the third time I've had to replace your pan today! Oh, and by the way? You should eat more vegetables. I think you might be low on Vitamin A."

I cocked an eyebrow at the reindeer as I worked to wrangle my intestines. "You can tell that by smell alone?"

"Not by choice, I can tell you that much!" the young Zoan-type gagged as he set my filled pan down and dug a fresh one out of a nearby cabinet before sliding back under my bed. "Give me a second..." He hastily slid back out. "Okay, you're good to go."

And with that, I let loose with a sigh of relief. "Oooh thank you sweet merciful- _AH!"_ I cut myself off with a wince as the burn came. "I take it back: screw you, God, screw you _hard!"_

Chopper winced at the... _noises_ originating from me, but then gave a sigh of relief. "Well, at least you sound healthy enough. You should be good to go in a few days."

"Joy on earth..." I groaned miserably at my predicament for a moment before eyeing him contemplatively. "Sooo... what _are_ you, exactly?" I barely managed to hide my grin at what I was about to say next. "Some kind of arctic jackalope?"

"I'M A REINDEER!" Chopper roared irately as he shoved his forelimbs up at me. "SEE!? HOOVES!"

I hastily raised my hands in surrender as I grinned sheepishly. "I see them, I see them. Sorry, that was my bad. Still... a reindeer that walks on two hooves, huh?" I winced internally at what I was about to say, but resigned myself to the fact that I had to do it anyways. "Guess that makes you something of a monster, huh?"

I nearly flinched at the wave of emotion that swept over Chopper. Rage, misery, disgust... honestly, the worst of all w\ould probably the sheer sense of _resignation_ he seemed to have. Hopefully, what I had to say next would change all that.

"That's _awesome!"_ I blurted out with a grin.

If Chopper's thunderstruck expression was anything to go by, that was _not_ the response he was expecting. "Buh-wha- _seriously!?"_

I nodded eagerly as I continued to grin. "Heck yeah! Why wouldn't it be?"

"B-b-but, look at me!" Chopper stammered as he flailed his arm at himself. "I-I'm covered in fur! I walk on two hooves, I have antlers! M-My _nose_ is _blue!"_

I blinked at his nose as though it were the first time I was seeing it. "Huh. Would you look at that? So it is."

"Doesn't any of that _scare_ you, o-o-or disgust you o-or...?!" Chopper trailed off helplessly, obviously several miles out of his depth.

' _Damn, he's really needed someone to say this to him...'_ I thought - _legitimately_ thought, I damn well made sure my tongue stayed glued to the roof of my mouth - before shrugging indifferently at his display. "Why would I? It's pretty freaking obvious you've got a Zoan-type Devil Fruit, those things are _always_ weird."

"Ah..." Chopper allowed himself to relax slightly. "It... it's really that obvious?"

"Yeah, totally. What do you have? No, wait!" I held my hand up swiftly. "Let me guess... one of the Horse-Horse or Ox-Ox Fruits? Stag Model or something along those lines?"

I winced at Chopper's stricken expression, the way the hope seemed to drain out of his face. "I... no, the opposite. I... I ate the _Human-Human_ Fruit. I... I was originally a _reindeer..."_ He flinched back instinctively, obviously waiting for a specific and all-too-familiar reaction.

A reaction I had absolutely no intention of providing. "Seriously?" I asked as I tilted my head inquiringly. "Damn, that's even cooler!"

" _HUH!?"_ Chopper barked out in disbelief.

"Well yeah!" I said, shrugging. "I mean, come on! Ninety percent of all other Zoans? They're humans who can turn into animals. But an animal that can become human? That's gotta be damn rare, if not unique! Guess that makes you a really special monster, huh?"

Once again Chopper flinched, though thankfully this time it was less severe. "W-why... do you keep calling me-?"

"A monster?" I finished for him. "Easy: because monsters are really cool. Down and out awesome, no question about it."

Chopper's mouth flapped helplessly for a moment, but I powered on before he could respond.

"Because you see, what I said earlier about most other Zoans? Same basic concept: majority of the normal people on the Blue Seas are completely normal average joes, dime-a-dozen cookie-cutter humans, nothing weird about them. Hence, monsters like you who are abnormal and out of the ordinary? Well, in my opinion, they're pretty awesome, simple as that."

The little human-reindeer before me stared at me in complete and utter shock for a moment before swallowing heavily and turning around, pretending (badly at that) to busy himself with some nearby shelves. "A-and how do you know they're awesome, huh? Y-you've seen a lot of monsters or something?"

"Oh, yeah, sure!" I plastered a wild smile on my face as I grinned at him. Time to sell the dough. "You see a lot of cool monsters when you live a pirate's life!"

Chopper tensed furiously for a moment before fake-working even more frantically. "Y-y-you're a pirate? For real?"

I chuckled as I leaned back in my seat, crossing my arms beneath my head. "Eeyup! And so are my friends! Heck, the guy you treated for frostbitten fingertips is our captain! Ah, and _just_ for the record!" I jabbed my finger into the air. "We're _real_ pirates! Adventure-and-freedom lovers, not worthless raiding fakers like that Blackbeard bastard who attacked you guys!"

"W-wow, really? T-that's cool..." Chopper mumbled half-heartedly.

"Yeah, it is! And some of those monsters I mentioned? Three of them are in this castle at this very moment!"

"HUH!?" Chopper yelped as he swung around and stared at me, wide-eyed in shock. "Really!?"

"Heck yeah! Here's one right now!" I held up Soundbite for him to see. "Meet Soundbite. Oh, and my name's Jeremiah Cross, forgot to mention that. Anyways, if you would, little guy?"

"HELLO, _HELLO,_ _ **HELLO!"**_ Soundbite sang acapella-style.

"See? See?" I gestured at him eagerly. "A snail capable of harmonizing with itself! That's nowhere near normal, I guaran-freaking-tee it!"

Chopper swallowed heavily as he eyed Soundbite, with no small amount of awe at that. "A-and the other two?"

I jerked my head towards the doorway. "My two crewmates you're treating. The blond guy's Sanji, our cook, and the guy with the straw hat which I _pray_ you left on him is Straw Hat Luffy, our captain. They're both monsters in their own right."

"Monsters? But..." Chopper frowned in confusion. "They're... both human."

"Ah, well, you see..." I scratched the back of my head sheepishly. "There are many many _many_ types of monsters in this world. Sanji? He's got a hell of a kick. And when I say hell, I mean he caved in a velociraptor - yes, a _dinosaur's -_ chest... what, a week ago?" I glanced down at Soundbite, who nodded in confirmation. "Yeah, a week ago. And Luffy? Well, I'm guessing you weren't a part of treating him, because then you'd know that he's made of rubber thanks to a Devil Fruit of his own. And really, that's one of the _least_ monstrous things about him."

"Wow..." Chopper breathed as he looked down contemplatively. His eyes darted around in thought for a moment before he giving me a pleading look. "Uhh... could you... tell me more about your captain?"

I made to respond when Soundbite interrupted me. "ASK _him_ **yourself!** _HE'S_ **ON** _his way_ **now!"**

"Uh-oh..." I groaned as I slapped my hand to my face miserably. "Yeah, Chopper, you'd better get out of here now. Like _right_ now, before he gets here!"

"Huh? W-why!?" Chopper asked nervously, before shifting to concern as a thought struck him. "D-do you think he won't like be b-because of what I am?"

" _Heeeell_ no!" I scoffed. "I bet you Beris to beer barrels that he's going to think you're the coolest thing since sliced ham! Aaaafter he's done trying to eat you, at any rate."

" _WHAT!?"_ Chopper squawked in disbelief.

"Yeeeah, see, here's the thing..." I winced and scratched the back of my head uneasily. "Two things about Luffy that make him such a monster? The first is his sheer appetite, and the second is that he's so fond of meat that he might as well be classified as a carnivore. And assuming that he hasn't eaten in several hours..."

" **EEEEE-** _ **NOPE!"**_ Soundbite provided.

"Then yeah, he's not going to really peg on to the fact that you can talk until he's partway through trying to literally bite your head off, and assuming that Sanji's out-of-it enough, then he's probably going to try and help cook you. So yeah, you should _really_ run before they get here. Nothing personal, mind you, he just _loves_ to eat and you're part animal, so... yeah." I shrugged helplessly. "Sucks to be you, huh?"

Gibbering fearfully, Chopper turned to break for the door... before pausing as a thought struck him. "Wait... h-how did you know my name? I-I didn't mention it to you, and neither did Doctorine..."

I froze at the question for a moment before grinning cheekily. "Simple." I widened my smile to show all my teeth. "I'm a badass pirate."

Chopper blinked at me in shock for a moment before swallowing nervously and turning and darting for the doorway.

Unfortunately for him though, he was a little bit too late on his feet.

"HEY CRO- _Oomph!_ Huh? What the heck?"

At least, he was if the way he ran headlong into Luffy's legs was anything to go by.

Chopper stammered fearfully as he stared up at Luffy, while my Captain's face was curiously blank for a second before gaining a hungry look I was _far_ too familiar with. "Is that... a reindeer?" he asked eagerly.

Chopper swallowed fearfully as he took a slow, deliberate step back from my captain. The blood drained from the poor Zoan-user's face, visible even under his fur, as a line of drool slowly slid out from the corner of Luffy's mouth. "I've never tasted reindeer before!" he moaned gluttonously.

"Give me ten seconds and I'll give you a venison roast that's to die for!" Sanji piped up from behind Luffy.

Yeah, I needed to break up this terror show before things got ugly. "RUN LITTLE DOCTOR-MAN, RUN!" I cried out dramatically.

Apparently _that_ was enough to break Chopper out of his terror, prompting him to turn tail (figuratively, not literally, apparently reindeer don't have tails; learn something new every day.) and _run_ while screaming his furry little ass off. "YEEEAAARGH!"

"COME BACK, DINNER MEAT!" Luffy roared as he gave chase.

"HANG ON, LUFFY, LET ME COOK HIM FIRST!" Sanji shouted as he followed behind him.

I chuckled lightly as I watched the trio dash out, the sounds of their hunt wafting back to me. "Sounds like Chopper'll be a great part of the crew, huh?"

Soundbite nodded eagerly and opened his mouth to respond...

"Oh it does, does it?"

Before snapping his mouth shut in horror as an elderly voice responded. " _Gotta_ WORK **on that..."** he cursed softly.

I swallowed heavily before slowly turning my head to focus on Doctor Kureha, who was staring at me with an inscrutable expression from the doorway to the room.

My mind flew for a moment before I finally let out a heavy sigh. "Chopper couldn't have helped treat me _that_ much because of the... _smell,_ meaning that you were up close and personal while I was speaking..." I groaned heavily and ran my hand down my face. "Meaning that with my luck, you heard me talking about Chopper before I'd even _seen_ him..." I looked up at her in resignation. "So, are we good enough for the little guy to come with us?"

"Hmph..." the 'good' doctor grumbled as she walked into the room. "You're certainly something, I'll give you that much. Better than those Blackbeard bastards..." Her gaze sharpened slightly behind her sunglasses. "And judging by that spiel you spun earlier-"

I cast a glare at Soundbite, who looked away with a nervous whistle.

"I'm guessing you know something about Chopper's past, huh?"

I considered my options for a moment before nodding tiredly. "Yeah... yeah, I do. Everything from his exile from his herd to the death of the good quack. Not to mention said quack's last gift to you."

Kureha cocked an eyebrow at me for a moment before shaking her head. "I'm not even going to ask how, because honestly, in the end? I don't care. There's only one thing that I _really_ want to know."

In a flash, Kureha was looming over me like the Reaper himself, a scalpel held in her fist and hanging a mere two inches from my face.

"HOGEEZE!" I squeaked, pressing myself against the headboard as firmly as I could.

" _ **EEP!"**_ Soundbite shrieked, snapping back into his shell.

"Do you _actually_ care about my son," Kureha hissed viciously. "Or are you just playing on his insecurities to shanghai him into your little pirate band?"

I fought to control my breathing in face of the utter demon before me before finally managing to get my nerves under control. Once I managed _that_ , though, I was able to muster the courage to glare Kureha dead in the eyes. "Frankly, I am _insulted_ you would insinuate that," I hissed venomously. "Yes, Chopper's skills would be a boon to us, I won't deny that, but they're not the reason I want him to join. I want him to join because he would be a good friend and he _needs_ friends. He needs people to tell him that it's _alright_ to be a monster, to not be human. You've been good to him, I know that, but at the end of the day, he needs more. You can't keep him in this castle forever." I was silent for a moment before narrowing my eyes. "And you know that, don't you?"

Kureha was silent for a moment before drawing away from me with a tired scoff. "Well you can make a good argument, I'll give you that... and I suppose you _seem_ like a decent sort..." Her gaze sharpened anew. "But that doesn't tell me anything about the rest of your crew."

I opened my mouth to respond... before I was cut off by Chopper's voice bellowing out from the castle's main hall.

"ARE YOU TWO DEAF!?"

I wracked my brain for what could have prompted that outburst before grinning winningly as I recalled what was happening. "Here, let me prove you wrong." I glanced around hastily. "Uh, did the guys bring my headphones with me or...?" The headphones were promptly dropped in my lap. "Oh, thanks!"

"Quite the sturdy pair you've got there, brat..." Kureha mused. "I'm surprised they managed to survive the climb."

"What can I say? I buy quality gear," I chuckled as I slipped them over my ears. "Anyways, Soundbite?"

" **AYE?"** the snail barked as he poked his eyestalks out of his shell.

"I need a two-way line between me and Chopper and a one-way line from Luffy and Sanji to him and me, ASAP."

" _Uno momento por favor..."_ An electric whine filled the air. "DONE!"

" _Wait... that reindeer spoke, right?"_ Luffy's disembodied voice mused contemplatively.

" _Yeah, and he was walking on two legs..."_ Sanji concurred.

One moment of silence later... " _HOLY CRAP, HE'S A MONSTER!"_ the two roared simultaneously.

Kureha snarled furiously as she turned towards the door. "Excuse me for a moment, I need to break the Hippocratic Oath in ten ways apiece."

"Hold it!" I hissed as I waved at her frantically before focusing on Soundbite. "Hey, Chopper!"

" _Huh-what!?"_ Chopper's voice stammered nervously. " _Cross!? H-how are you-!?"_

"Soundbite's good for more than just parlor tricks, Chopper," I reassured him. "And anyways, I wouldn't recommend walking out _just_ yet. Only listening to half of a conversation can lead to _horrible_ misunderstandings."

" _W-what are you-?"_

"Shh... listen."

" _He walks on two legs, he's fluffy, he looks like a reindeer..."_ Sanji continued in awe.

" _He can be small or grow until he's as big as a gorilla..."_ Luffy breathed contemplatively.

" _Cross..."_ Chopper whined miserably. " _Why do I-?"_

" _That's so cool!"_

Chopper's response died in his throat with a pained gargle. Even Kureha herself was staring at Soundbite in shock, holding her sunglasses above her eyes.

" _Hey, Sanji, I just got an idea!"_ Luffy continued eagerly. " _Let's get him to join our crew!"_

"And now for the _real_ kicker!" I piped up. "Soundbite, connect me to the guys."

" _ **DONE!"**_

"Hey Luffy, I was listening in! You want Chopper to join us, right?"

" _His name's Chopper? That's even cooler!"_ Luffy cackled happily.

"I'll take that as a yes. Personally, I agree with the idea entirely! I mean, the little guy _did_ help save our lives, you know, him being a doctor and all!"

" _He's a doctor too?! That's perfect!"_ my captain whooped ecstatically. " _Now we_ really _need to get him to join!"_

" _That_ does _sound like it would be pretty useful..."_ Sanji concurred.

"Exactly! See, you guys get it," I chuckled in agreement. "Well, you go ahead and try and convince him. Meanwhile, I'm going to relax for a bit, alright?"

" _Okay! Oh, and before I forget, I'm glad you're alright!"_

"Heh, me too. Well, good luck!" And with that, I jerked my hand across my throat. Once Soundbite confirmed he'd dropped the connection, I shot a grin up at Kureha. "See? Some people really _like_ monsters. Let me guarantee you, Chopper: if Luffy wants you to join our crew, it's not just a fluke. I mean, hey, look at me, right?"

" _Uh... I, ah..."_ Chopper stuttered hesitantly, his voice filled with emotion.

"Well, just for the record, I'd love to see you on the crew. For now, though, I'd recommend you start running again. Luffy can be a bit... enthusiastic."

" _Huh? What are you-?"_

" _HEY CHOPPER-MONSTER-GUY!"_ Luffy's voice suddenly roared.

" _WAAAAH!"_ Chopper shrieked fearfully as he presumably started running.

"Good luck, little buddy!" I laughed eagerly as I indicated for Soundbite to drop the connection. That done, I smiled up at Kureha again. "Satisfied? Luffy wants Chopper to join _because_ of what he is, not even _remotely_ in spite of it. Hell, I don't think Luffy could hate another person for what they were if he tried. He's just a really good..." I trailed off as I became aware of the music filtering through the air, then shot a caustic glare down at Soundbite. "The 'My Little Pony' theme? _Really?"_

" **HOOHOOHOO** _HAHAHA!"_ Soundbite chortled eagerly.

"Oh go and get salted..." I groused darkly before getting back on task. "Anyways, what do you think, Doctor? Are we good enough for Chopper?"

Kureha stared at me for a moment before shaking her head heavily. "Can you guarantee that you'll keep him safe?"

I affixed the elderly doctor with a flat look. "That request is neither fair nor plausible and you damn well know it."

"Kak kak kak, fair enough..." Kureha chuckled mirthlessly. She was silent for a moment longer before throwing her hands up in defeat. "Honestly, I should have known this day would come. That damn quack Hiriluk got into the poor boy's head something fierce." She glared at me sharply, if sadly. "If the fool is stupid enough to join you, then I'll give him hell for it but I won't stop him. I don't think I could even if I tried..."

I grinned widely at the woman. "Thanks a lot, Doctor!"

"Yes, yes..." Kureha groused before whipping out a scalpel and twirling it around her fingers as she grinned at me, her canines suddenly prominent. "Just don't think that means you're getting out of here any sooner, brat! You're staying until you have a clean bill of health, and not a moment sooner! Not to mention..."

THUNK!

I most decidedly did _not_ squeal like a stuck pig when _a_ dozen different scalpels buried themselves in the wood around my head.

"The matter of your bill."

"Uhh..." I moaned intelligently before grinning sheepishly. "T-that can be arranged! J-just give me a second to arrange things! Heheh...heh... ah... _Soundbite!"_ I hissed at the snail frantically. "Nami, now!"

" **Uhh..."** Soundbite cocked his eyestalk at me doubtfully. " _This is_ A MOUNTAIN, _**you remember**_ **THAT,** _ **RIGHT?"**_

I rolled my eyes with a sigh. "No shit I remember that, dumbass. What I _meant_ was try Pinkie and the Brain. I'm sure Nami's got to have _one_ of them on her."

" **Ooooh,** _okay!_ HOLD PLEASE!" Soundbite's gaze trailed off into the distance for a moment before refocusing into a vaguely worried expression. " _Hello?"_ he asked in Nami's voice.

"Hey Nami!" I greeted eagerly. "It's Cross! We managed to make it up the mountain! Luffy and Sanji are a bit banged up, but overall we're doing pretty good! We, ah, _are_ going to need some help with the matter of the medical bills..."

" _Cross! Dammit, why didn't I think of calling you?! Listen, you need to be careful! You're about to get company up there! Wapol's on his way to the castle, and he should be there any-!"_

SLAM!

Without any warning, the door to the room was slammed open as Chopper barged in, a frantic expression on his face. "DOCTORINE!"

I grit my teeth as Soundbite adopted a panicked expression of his own.

"Correction, Nami..." I sighed grimly. "Wapol's already _here._ "

 **-o-**

Fifteen minutes and a half-dozen explosions later, I was out of bed and wrapping myself up in a heavy blanket that was in the room.

" _DO we_ **need** TO?" Soundbite asked warily as he hid beneath the heavy fabric.

"Not much choice..." I groused as I slid some boots on. "Unless we stall Wapol, he'll go straight for the armory, or worse yet that massive cannon of his. Luffy'll still be able to kick his ass, obviously, but there'll be more collateral damage. So for now... we need to distract him. At least for a bit, anyways. Juuust long enough for Luffy to get his act together and find the fat bastard."

Soundbite contemplated that for a moment before cocking his eyebrow at me. "HOW _do_ **you know** _THAT?_ _I've never_ **ASKED, but I'm** _curious now."_

I considered the question before shaking my head with a sigh. "I'll tell you when I tell everyone else. For now..." I tugged the blanket around myself firmly as I stood before the wooden door that led to the castle's main hall. "Ready to play a life-sized game of Pac Man?"

Soundbite grimaced miserably. "I DON'T _know what_ **that IS,** _ **BUT NO!"**_

I briefly considered the prospect of Wapol's massive jaws for a moment before grimacing miserably. "Yeah, me neither."

And with that, I pulled the door open and made my way out onto the balcony, shivering as the frigid, snow-laden air hit me. "Damn that's brisk..." I grumbled before looking around in an attempt to get my bearings. Alright, I was on the second floor, so if my memory was accurate, then that would mean Wapol must have been...

"HEY!"

Bingo.

I looked over the edge of the balcony as I took in the _massive_ form of Tin-Plate Wapol, the former ruler of Drum. Damn, there was huge and then there was _huge,_ and this guy? He looked like he was big enough to match Luffy bite-for-bite in appetite. And the ugly, angry expression he was sporting certainly didn't do him any favors.

"Are you a friend of that Straw Hat brat?" he growled murderously.

I grinned cheekily as I snapped a salute at him. "Eeyup! Jeremiah Cross, third mate, communications officer and tactician of the Straw Hat Pirates! And you must be Wapol, the fat, belligerent whale of a tyrant who made the lives of everyone in this nation hell, right?"

Wapol twitched furiously for a second before leering at me menacingly. "You think I'm a tyrant, huh?"

I glanced at Soundbite contemplatively before we both grinned at him menacingly. "Pretty much, yeah!"

"EE- _ **YUP!"**_ Soundbite concurred.

"Alright then."

And with that, Wapol walked over to a nearby pillar and shimmied up it with more agility than someone his size should have been capable of.

Once he was on the same floor as I was, he charged me with all the speed of an enraged bull. "DIE, YOU SHITTY BRAT!"

"SHIT!" I cursed as I started running at full speed. That Pac Man reference I'd made earlier was turning out to be more accurate than I'd predicted what with the way his jaws were snapping _right_ on my heels. I had _no_ idea how a son of a bitch his size could _possibly_ be that fast!

Thankfully, however, the chase didn't last anything close to long. Coming up on a staircase leading down, I hastily ducked into it, taking care not to slip on the snow and turning around once I was at the bottom.

THUNK! "GAH!"

I blinked up at the sight of Wapol's ass sticking out of the opening for a moment...

"PFFFHAHAHAHA!" " _HAHAHA_ **HEEHEEHEEEE!"**

Before both Soundbite and I fell into fits of laughter, cackling as we pointed up at the firmly wedged tyrant. God _damn_ , it was even funnier in real life!

"YOU DARE LAUGH AT A KING!?" Wapol snarled incredulously from his position.

"I dare laugh at a complete _idiot!"_ I howled up at him.

"Idiot HUH? THEN HOW ABOUT THIS! MUNCH-MUNCH FACTORY!"

Moments later, a tin can of a jaw thunked down the staircase before landing at my feet.

I grinned sadistically as I eyed the disembodied jaws eagerly. "Still pretty stupid, dumbass!" I reeled my foot back as far as I could manage. "PUNT!"

CLANG!

I blinked in confusion for a second before registering the sheer _pain_ in my foot.

"YEOW!" I howled miserably as I hopped back from the jaws, clutching my almost _definitely_ broken limb in agony. "HIPPO-HOPPING MOTHER-TRUCKING BLACK-HEARTED _JACKSHIT!_ HOW MUCH DO YOU FUCKING _WEIGH!?"_

"Hippo-hopping?" Soundbite snapped in disbelief.

" _I AM NOT COHERENT WHEN I'M HURT!"_ I roared at him.

"HA! Now who's the moron, peasant?" Wapol cackled as he unfolded himself into his new form. "Behold! Slim-Up Wapol!"

I looked the king's new form over for a moment before cocking my eyebrow at him in disbelief. "You call _that_ an improvement? I mean..." I gestured at him helplessly. "Come on, man. The torso is acceptable, sure, but that chin..." I grimaced and shook my head slowly. "No... no, the World Government is filled with monsters, but not even they would be inhuman enough to let a chin like that exist."

" **AYE!"** Soundbite piped up in agreement.

Wapol's eye twitched furiously before he scowled with every one of his teeth. "I don't usually _like_ cannibalism, brat, but for you..." He charged me with his jaws stretching to an _inhuman_ width. "I'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION!"

"OHSHIT!" I bit out as I turned tail and ran, making for the castle's front doors. Moments later, however, I grinned as I noticed who was running in the opposite direction. "Hey Captain, good timing!" I smiled eagerly as I raised my hand and exchanged high-fives with Luffy. "Tag, you're in!"

"You got it!" Luffy grinned eagerly as he stretched his leg back. "Now... _eat this!"_ he roared as he rammed his foot square into the middle of Wapol's face. He then blinked in confusion as he took in Wapol's new size. "Hey, wasn't he fat a second ago?"

I shrugged indifferently as I watched Wapol twitch on the frozen floor. "Devil Fruit bullshitery, you know how it is. By the way..." I affixed a flat glare on Luffy as I tugged at the torn remains of the arctic-camo pattern parka he was wearing. "Was that the winter jacket Nami got me? Come on, man, that thing was fur-lined!"

"Heheh, sorry!" Luffy chuckled nervously as he scratched the back of his head. "For what it's worth, it was really comfy while it lasted!"

"Dumbass!" I scoffed with a grin as I slapped the back of his head. "Oh, and before I forget, how goes trying to recruit Chopper?"

"Eh, I'm still trying!" Luffy's grin widened enthusiastically. "Did you know that he can change into _seven_ different forms? He's so awesome!"

so "Actually, he's got eight," I corrected with a shrug. "Though he can't actually _control_ that last one, it's _super_ dangerous to both him and everyone around him."

"That sounds so cool!" Luffy squealed childishly, stars flashing in his eyes.

"But it's also a little _sad,"_ I said softly, grimacing. "He _really_ doesn't like using it. He's got a slight complex over the whole 'Monster' thing, you see-"

"ENOUGH TALK, YOU BASTARDS!"

Our attention was diverted as Wapol's furious voice wafted over us like a bad smell.

"Ugh, you're still here?" I groused irritably.

"BEHOLD!" Wapol roared as he gestured at the massive doors behind himself. "THIS IS THE ROYAL ARMORY OF THE DRUM KINGDOM! INSIDE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST ARSENALS KNOWN TO MANKIND, AND I HAVE THE ONLY KEY! ALL I HAVE TO DO IS UNLOCK IT WITH THIS KEY-!" He held up the key in question.

"So we don't let you unlock it," I interrupted him in a monotone. "Luffy?"

"Yeah?" my captain asked in the same tone of voice.

"Kick this dumbass's once-fat ass so that we can get back to recruiting Chopper."

Luffy's grin went from ear to ear as he rammed his fists together eagerly. "Right!"

Wapol blinked in confusion for a moment before hastily spinning around and fumbling with the key as he tried to unlock the armory's doors.

"GUM-GUM PISTOL!"

"AGH!" Wapol screamed in terror and then pain as Luffy's fist slammed the key out of his hand, crushing the rod of metal into a useless lump.

"Come on, dumbass!" Luffy grinned malevolently. "Let's settle this, one on one!"

Wapol stared at Luffy with a blank expression for a moment... before running away as fast as he could manage. "I'M NOT DONE YET! I STILL HAVE AN ACE UP MY SLEEVE!"

Luffy blinked in surprise as he watched the tyrant run. "He doesn't give up, does he?"

I shrugged indifferently as I did the same. "Cornered rats _are_ the most desperate." We watched him for a moment more before I sighed and jerked my head towards the fleeing monarch. "Well don't just stand there! Go kick his ass!"

"Oh, right!" Luffy blinked before roaring and giving chase. "GET BACK HERE, BASTARD!"

About a minute of tense waiting later, a _very_ welcome sound roared out.

"BAZOOKAAAA!"

 _ **CRASH!**_

I couldn't help but grin eagerly as the sound of victory and freedom echoed out.

"Well, sounds like that's that!" I grinned eagerly as I dusted my hands off.

That smile then proceeded to die a very swift, very _violent_ death when a bony hand clamped down on my shoulder like an industrial vice.

"What are you doing out of bed, brat?" the voice of Death itself hissed furiously from behind me.

I swallowed desperately as I tried to keep myself calm. "I feel much better?" I tried.

Kureha chuckled malevolently, an evil sound that sent shivers running up my spine. "Nice try. Now... care to learn one of the best aspects of being a doctor?"

"... good dental?"

"KAK KAK KAK! Ahh, no. No no... the best aspect... is that we know how to knock people unconscious while dealing the _least_ amount of damage possible. Here, allow me to demonstrate!"

Oh _cra-_

THUNK!

And my world became darkness and _pain._


	14. Chapter 14 - Drum Island Pt 2

**Chapter 14**

Wakefulness returned to me with a dull throb at the back of my head.

"Damn witch," I muttered acidically under my breath as I rubbed the bruise. "I'm fragile, dammit!"

"Oh, not anymore you're not."

I blinked in confusion at the familiar voice that hit me. "Wha-?"

THWACK!

"OUCH!" I yelped as a fist slammed into the middle of my forehead, followed by the _exact spot_ Kureha had hit bouncing off of the headboard. "Sonnuva- _NAMI!"_ I growled, clutching the growing goose egg on the back of my skull. "Why the hell did you hit-!?" I blinked as my mind caught up with things. "Wait, _you hit me!?"_

"Yup!" Nami grinned cattily as she loomed over me. "The good doctor Kureha saw to it to give you a few vitamin supplements of her own creation. According to her, your bones are still a bit weak, but other than that..."

I barely managed to restrain a choked yelp as Nami slammed her fist _right_ next to my head.

" _You're mine..."_ she hissed venomously.

"Mommy..." I whimpered, shivering nervously in my bed.

"Nami, he's only just waking up! Leave him alone."

"Thank you, Vivi!" I gasped in relief as the blue-haired princess interjected on my behalf.

"Excuse me?" Nami deadpanned as she affixed a flat glare on Vivi.

To her credit, Vivi managed to stand strong in the face of Nami's Wrath for all of ten seconds before wilting in terror. "At least until we're back on the Merry?" she offered weakly.

And just like that, Nami was back to her 'pleasant' self. "That's what I like to hear!" she chirped.

"Allow me to reiterate: thanks a lot, Vi- _OW!"_ My deadpan reply was cut off by Nami hitting me again. "Will you stop _doing_ that!?"

"Not any time soon I'm not!" Nami grinned as she cracked her knuckles menacingly. "You've managed to cause me a _lot_ of pent up frustration, and I'm going to be cashing in for a _long_ time coming." Suddenly, a vicious glint entered her glare. "Your _latest_ stunt has got me _especially_ steamed.

I felt a pit form in my stomach as I thought about just what could piss off Nami this much. "So, uh, I guess you've seen the hospital bill, then?" I said as cheekily as I could muster.

Vivi plastered an uncomfortable smile on her face as she chuckled ruefully. "It was... quite substantial."

Coming from a legitimate _princess,_ that statement gave me absolutely _no_ comfort. In fact, it gave me _negative_ comfort.

"Your _attending physician,"_ Nami spat the words as though they were toxic. "Threatened to take the Going Merry as collateral, and she would have too if we hadn't managed to compensate the small fortune she asked for as a down payment." Nami looked away at the last bit, grumbling darkly.

"Oh, well that's-! Waaait..." I blinked in confusion as I processed what she'd just said. "You... wouldn't have had any money on you coming up here, so how could you have possibly..." I trailed off as I realized just how quiet things were. "Guys… where's Soundbite?"

Vivi's blush and inability to look me in the eyes and Nami's lip-chewing and roof-examining were answer enough.

" _Seriously!?"_

"I tried to stop her!" Vivi hedged hastily.

" _IT WAS YOUR IDEA, BITCH!"_ Nami howled viciously in return.

I gave Nami an incredulous stare. "Do you think I'm _that_ stupid?" I scoffed.

"Actually..." Vivi poked her fingers together sheepishly. "She's right."

I blinked once, twice as I attempted to restart my stalled brain. "...I-I'm sorry, what?"

"I-I'm sorry!" Vivi squeaked miserably. "I-I just thought that you'd be able to find a way to convince her to give him back, that's all!"

"Actually, Cross..." Nami interrupted, leaning in with a serious expression and placing her hand on my shoulder. "You're going to have to do a _little_ bit better than that."

I blinked at her in confusion. "What are you- _OH-SWEET-MOTHER-OF-MARY!"_ I hissed as her hand became a vicegrip.

"Because you see..." she hissed demonically. "Unless you manage to find a way to get her to drop the _entire_ bill, then I'll be taking the little... _discount_ she offered us."

The way she said the word 'discount' chilled me to the bone. "What discount?" I asked nervously.

Nami must have eaten the Cat-Cat Fruit, Model Cheshire while I was out, because that is the _only_ explanation I can think of for how her smile managed to get that wide. "Take two, _leave one._ Got it?"

It took me all of three seconds to work out what she meant, at which point I promptly burst into a cold sweat. I wracked my mind viciously for _some_ way out of this predicament before sighing in relief as I managed to come up with a plan that had a _very_ high chance of success.

"Got it, and don't worry, I've got an idea," I reassured her hastily.

The second I said that, both Nami and Vivi relaxed.

"Glad to hear it," Nami said in a _much_ calmer tone of voice.

"Great!" I clapped my hands eagerly. "Now then, first thing's first. Where's Kureha?"

"Right here, brat!"

"18! For the love of _god!"_ I snarled as the elderly doctor entered the room I was in. "What the hell makes you people call me that!?"

"'You people'?" Kureha asked quizzically as she cocked her eyebrow.

"Basically anybody even a little older than me!" I threw my hands up in exasperation. "Seriously, I do _not_ have a babyface!"

"Kak kak kak, nooo, but you _do_ act half your age!" the crone cackled.

"I do not-! _Ooooh!"_ I cut myself off as I realized what I'd been about to say. "Clever. _Very_ clever."

"Kak kak! The saying 'age before beauty' exists for a reason, brat!" Kureha gloated victoriously.

I could _feel_ my eye twitch for a moment before I forced myself to plaster a grin on my face. "Aaaaanyways. I'd like to make a request."

The elder doctor jutted her chin out, a proud smirk on her face. "The secret to my eternal youth?"

I opened my mouth to rebutt her... then shut it as I reconsidered. "Initially no, but now that you mention it..."

"Seriously!?" Nami demanded incredulously.

"Well come on, look at her!" I cried as I gestured at the doctor. "Wouldn't _you_ want to try that if you could!?"

"I..." Nami started to speak, then trailed off in thought. "Well... how old are you exactly?"

"139, kid, and still young!" Kureha crowed proudly.

"Holy shit..." Nami and Vivi breathed in awe.

"I know, right?" I concurred. "So... is there a price tag or...?"

"Ten digits, minimum," Kureha informed us.

" _Oh hell no!"_ Nami snarled as she crossed her arms in an X. "Even _if_ we had that kind of money, I _still_ wouldn't pay that much for eternal youth!"

I grimaced and sighed morosely. "That _is_ a little steep..." I admitted, before perking up as an idea struck me. "Can I have three guesses?"

"Hell no," Kureha shot down.

"Oh..." I sagged slightly, before glancing up hopefully. "Can I have _two_ guesses?"

Kureha considered for a moment before shrugging. "Eh, why not."

" _ARE YOU SERIOUS!?"_ Nami shrieked, her hands tugging at her hair.

"Alright, let's see..." I mused thoughtfully. "I'm going to go out on a limb and say... carrots?"

"Nope!" Kureha sniffed haughtily.

"Damn..." I cursed. "In that case... someone with the Op-Op Fruit performed the legendary Perpetual Youth Procedure on you..." I looked her over contemplatively. "From the neck down?"

 _That_ managed to get Kureha to flick her sunglasses onto her forehead as she stared at me in shock. "So you even know about the holy grail of medicine, huh? Well, you're officially one of the most surprising patients I've ever had, Mister Cross." She then proceeded to grin victoriously as she flicked her sunglasses back into place. "You're also dead wrong! KAK KAK KAK KAK!"

"Damn!" I cursed, snapping my fingers in defeat. "Worth a shot..." I then grinned victoriously as a thought struck me. "Still, on the bright side, in the future I'll have a legitimate reason to use the phrase 'once more, the secret to eternal youth has eluded me!' So hey, consolation prize!"

"Mister Jeremiah..." Vivi started slowly as she stared at me in awe. Or was that horror? "No offense... but you're _insane."_

My eye twitched furiously for a moment before I slowly turned my head to snarl at the princess. "Stop. _Calling me-!"_

"Ahem?" Kureha coughed conspicuously. "I believe you said you had something you wanted to ask?"

I jabbed my finger at Vivi with a final glare before looking back at the 'good' doctor. "Indeed, I do. First and foremost, I want Soundbite back."

"Oh?" Kureha cocked an eyebrow contemplatively as she fished around inside her jacket before drawing a familiar form out. "You mean _this_ little troll?"

"Soundbite!" I yelped, unconsciously reaching for him.

" _MMPH!"_ the Baby Transponder Snail managed to mumble out around his gag. For whatever reason, he had decided _not_ to bite through the gag between his teeth despite the fact that it was made of-

"Glass?" I blinked in confusion. "What the hell...?"

"Your pet was raising a racket earlier and when I tried to stuff his mouth with cloth, he bit clean through it. So I had to get creative. He wasn't so willing to be bitey when he saw me fill that testtube he's holding with a saltshaker." Kureha explained in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

I opened my mouth to protest... then slowly closed it as I considered the facts. "That's... ingenious. I'm impressed."

" _MMPH_ **MU!"** Soundbite shouted indignantly around the gag.

I stared at Soundbite in confusion for a second before widening my eyes in realization. "Also, now we know that Soundbite needs to be able to use his mouth to use half his powers, which makes sense seeing how he's essentially a glorified ventriloquist. That's _really_ useful, thank you!"

" _ **MMMMPH!"**_

"Moving along: why should I give _my_ property back to you?" Kureha continued, as if the last minute hadn't happened.

"Well, first," I jabbed my thumb at Nami. "Soundbite wasn't hers to give. I could say he's mine, but I'll be honest: Soundbite is his own being, and if you try to claim 'ownership' of him, then it's tantamount to slavery, and I doubt you're willing to stoop that low. Am I right?"

The doctor looked up thoughtfully for a moment before tilting her hand side-to-side. "Eh..."

"And second..." I spread my arms helplessly. "Come on, don't be a dick. Er..." I hesitated as I considered who I was speaking to. "Well, you get the gist."

Kureha considered things for a moment before shrugging and tossing Soundbite to me. "Fair enough."

"MEEP!" Soundbite shrieked as he tried to keep his fragile gag intact.

"Oh relax, will you?" she drawled as she rolled her eyes. "I lied: that salt shaker had _sugar_ in it, not salt. Sheesh..."

" _ **MMPH!"**_ the snail snarled incredulously as he stared at her in shock before _obliterating_ the test tube with his teeth and swallowing the remains whole. He then opened his mouth and-!

"▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅ **!"**

I blinked in awe as I numbly dug my finger through my ear. "Wow..." I whistled.

"I... lost track of half of what he was saying halfway through, though I _think_ he managed to insult your family back to its... tenth generation?" Nami stated uncertainly.

"I know twelve different languages, but... I didn't recognize a third of what he said," Vivi added.

"KAK KAK KAK! Either way, he's got quite the mouth on him!" Kureha crowed.

"Anyways..." I trailed off slowly. "I'd... like to make a deal with you, Doctor Kureha. Concerning my crew's medical bills and how long we'll be staying here."

Kureha cocked an eyebrow at me curiously as she considered what I was saying. "A deal, huh? What are you talking about?"

"Weeell..." I grinned roguishly. "You want access to this castle's armory so that you can fulfill the good doc- ah, sorry, the good _quack's,_ and I use that word with the utmost respect- final wishes. However, that's a difficult feat to accomplish on account of how Luffy destroyed the only key _to_ said armory. Quite the conundrum, no?"

That got everyone in the room staring at me in shock.

Vivi was the first to break the silence, suddenly grabbing my hands and staring at me with glittering eyes. "Are you a mind reader, Mr. Jeremiah? Is that how you know everything?"

"Uh, nooo…" I said uncomfortably as I slowly jerked my hand out of the princess's. "Though I don't need to read minds to know that I do _not_ want to know whatever the _hell_ is running through your head right now."

Nami's expression, in the meantime, was slowly morphing back into a wide grin, although she was angling herself in such a manner that Kureha couldn't see it.

Kureha, for her part, had managed to school her face so that she wasn't giving anything away. "Yes yes, your knowledge is at the same time disturbing and impressive. What of it?"

"What I propose is thus." I snapped a finger up. "If I can manage to get those armory doors open, from this bed, within the next _five_ minutes, then not only do you discharge me and my friends effective immediately, _but_ you also wipe our bill clean _and_ give us free reign of this place's larder."

"Hmph..." Kureha muttered darkly. "Sounds like I've got a lot to lose... what's in it for me?"

I spread my arms innocently. "My services as an indentured servant until either the end of my natural life or yours."

"So basically yours?" Kureha questioned with a grin.

I scoffed and rolled my eyes impatiently. "Yeah yeah, laugh it up, _Granny._ Now then..." I proffered my hand to her. "Do we have a deal?"

Kureha eyed my hand warily for a moment before scoffing and slapping it firmly. "It'll be nice to have some company once your captain convinces Chopper to leave. I hope you like mopping in subzero temperatures, brat."

"Ooooh, I wouldn't be so sure of that." I grinned as I held up Soundbite, and if the grin he was wearing was anything to go by, then he'd managed to figure out _exactly_ what I was planning. "Because, you see, my dear Doctor... you have just been played. Soundbite?"

Soundbite's grin widened as an electric whine pierced the air. " **YOU ARE GO,** _command!"_

And so, grinning like a loon, I spoke. And the first two words I spoke served to drain all hope of victory from Kureha's face.

"Hey Luffy!"

 **-o-**

One minute later, the four of us were standing before the doors to Drum Kingdom's armory.

Or, at the very least, what _remained_ of the armory's doors. And there was _not_ a lot of that left either. There was a little bit over there, a little bit over there, and a little bit _waay_ over there, smashed against the back wall of the armory.

"You. Son. Of a bitch," Kureha bit out flatly.

"I'm the son of a bitch who just managed to weasel his way out of having to pay you the big bucks. Screw you, witch doctor, I'm _happy!"_ I crowed joyously.

"Hey Cross!" Luffy whined as he marched out of the armory. "There's no food in here, just guns! You can't eat guns! Seriously, I've tried, they taste gross."

Soundbite howled with laughter as Kureha twitched furiously, her face contorting miserably as she realized just how _badly_ she'd screwed up. "PAY UP _SENIOR CITIZEN!"_

"Yeah, _Doc~tor..."_ Nami crooned as she rested her elbow on Kureha's shoulder, the Cheshire grin back at full force. "We had a deal, re~mem~ber?"

Kureha spat and snarled viciously for a moment before jabbing a finger upwards. "Third floor, through the kitchen, can't miss it."

"Woohoo! Thanks!" Luffy whooped eagerly.

"Any luck cornering Chopper?" I asked curiously.

"Not yet! Usopp and Zoro have been helping, but he's slippery and I'm hungry! But hey, don't worry!" He grinned savagely as he pounded a fist into his palm. "Once I eat, we'll get him in no time!"

Vivi looked between the three of us in awe - or maybe horror, again - for a second before shaking her head ruefully. "Evil. You guys are all pure _evil."_

"Hey, what can I say? We're _pirates!"_ I shrugged indifferently. "It's kind of our M.O."

"Oh, no, I don't have any issues with that, don't worry!" Vivi waved her hands hastily. "I'm only _realizing_ it just now is all."

"Heheheh, you're pretty dumb, Vivi!" Luffy cackled as he stuck his tongue out at her.

"And you're one to talk?" Nami, Vivi and I deadpanned in unison.

"Well, anyways, I'm gonna go and eat all this castle's food and then get our reindeer-doctor to join us! See you!" And with that, Luffy stretched his arms up to an upper floor's balcony and zipped out of sight.

I blinked up after him in shock before slowly looking at Nami. "I'm not the only one who can't believe that that sentence makes sense to me, right? Right?"

"Eh..." Nami waved her hand side to side. "I think I became a bit desensitized after 'a seagull grabbed my head when I flew up to catch it'."

"If you're quite done messing around?" Kureha growled as she tapped her foot impatiently.

"Oh, yes, right!" I grinned at her victoriously. "So can I take the clothes I'm in now, or would you rather I take some new ones?"

"Oh _hell_ no!" Kureha growled as she jabbed me in the chest. "You can steal my medical bill from me _and_ you can clean out my pantries, but on my pride as a doctor, I abjectly _refuse_ to allow you to leave this castle without proper treatment."

" _What!?"_ I squawked incredulously.

"Read my lips, _brat!"_ the doctor growled. "You're not going _anywhere,_ period!"

"Hey, that wasn't the deal!" Nami protested.

"I'm _changing_ the deal!" Kureha spat. "Thank whatever gods you pray to that I'm not changing it further!"

I made to say something... when I was interrupted by a _very_ familiar noise.

" _Fwhooooooh Ktchhhhhh... Fwhooooooh Ktchhhhhh..."_

Nami and I gave Soundbite a scathing glare, who responded with a sheepish, if unapologetic grin. "SORRY, _couldn't_ **resist."**

Kureha snorted like an angry bull before adjusting her sunglasses as she looked into the armory. "Anyways... as it is, you brats have caused quite the mess of things. I'm going to have to spend... fifteen minutes, at the least, sorting things out in there with the help of those villagers who came up with you. While we're working, you are _not_ to move from your room, no matter what. The same goes for your friend strapped down in Operating Room 2-F on the second floor. Also make sure that you do _not_ touch the keys to his restraints that are beneath the floorboards. If you do..." She gave us all a semi-serious glare. "You'll all be in _big_ trouble. Got it?"

I grinned as I raised my hand to my forehead in a two-fingered salute. "I've got it. Thanks a lot, Doctor, this means a lot to us. And don't worry, we'll look after Chopper, I promise."

Kureha twitched angrily as she glared at me. "Are you dense, boy?" she growled half-heartedly.

"Nah..." My grin widened minutely. "Just polite."

 _That_ brought the doctor up short before sending her into a fit of laughter. "KAK KAK KAK KAK KAK! A polite pirate! Now I've _really_ seen it all!" she cackled uproariously as she wandered into the armory, accompanied by a few nervous villagers who'd been watching.

We watched her for a moment longer before I jabbed my thumb towards the staircase. "Well. Let's go scrape Sanji off his operating table and get the hell out of dodge. I don't want to even consider what she does once those fifteen minutes are up."

A few minutes later, we were making our way out of the castle's front door, Sanji's limp form hanging between us.

"I don't suppose this little incident will do _anything_ to help convince you to break your chivalry streak?" I huffed as I worked to hold the chef's shoulders.

"Not even close, Cross..." he growled, before wincing as a streak of pain shot through him. "Though this is undoubtedly the _closest_ anyone's come to it..."

" _Death_ **WISH!** _Death_ **WISH!"** Soundbite crowed uproariously.

Sanji snarled venomously as we trudged out into the snow, moonlight washing down over us. "Eat a saltshaker you little-!"

"BUT I'M... I'M A REINDEER!"

"Shhh!" I hissed as Chopper's voice rang out over the mountaintop.

"Huh?" Nami blinked in confusion as she caught sight of the little reindeer shouting at the rest of the guys. "What's going on?"

"Something momentous," I stated solemnly, shifting Sanji's weight slightly. "Vivi, would you mind-?"

"Don't you dare foist your burden on a woman, you-!"

"It's alright, I don't mind," Vivi hastily interceded, taking Sanji off my shoulders. "You go ahead and do whatever you have to."

I smiled gratefully before walking towards the group, where Chopper had been yelling his 'reasons' for not being able to come with us.

"BUT... I'M NOT HUMAN!" he sobbed, the show he was putting on doing little to mask the misery he felt. "I'M A MONSTER! I-I CAN'T JOIN YOUR CREW! T-THAT'S WHY... I'M JUST HERE TO SAY THANKS!" he cut himself off as he sniffled and attempted to maintain his composure.

I shook my head slightly as I stood next to Luffy, watching Chopper _actively_ war with himself. It was _painfully_ obvious just how much he wanted to come with us, but he was unwilling to allow himself the honor, the _right._ In the end, there was only one way possible for us to break the chains on his soul. And Luffy damn well knew it.

"So..." Chopper grit out painfully. "Thank you. And even though I'm staying here... maybe one day-!"

I interrupted Chopper with a _heavily_ exaggerated sigh, shaking my head sadly as I threw an arm around Luffy's shoulders. "Oy vey, you're really going to make us work for this, huh? Well!" I shrugged in defeat with my free arm as a cheeky grin worked its way onto my face. "I guess there's only one thing for it, eh Luffy?"

Luffy matched my grin tooth for tooth as he threw his own arm over mine. "Yup! Wanna do it on three?"

"It would be my _honor,"_ I nodded respectfully. "One!"

"H-huh?" Chopper looked at us in confusion. "W-what are you-?"

"Two!" Luffy continued as our grins grew wider.

"Aren't you listening to me!? I-I _can't_ go with you! I w-want to, but- _but-!"_

"THREE!" Luffy and I roared as we threw our arms up simultaneously. "SHUT UP! LET'S _GO_ ALREADY!"

And _that_ was the straw that broke the reindeer's back. Chopper had to actively _fight_ to keep from bawling as he came to his decision and nodded vigorously, the last of his doubts dispelled. "OKAY!"

And just like that, we had ourselves a doctor.

"WEL _COME!_ WEL _COME!"_ Soundbite crowed enthusiastically.

"Tsk..." Zoro scoffed incredulously as he watched things go down. "Who's ever heard of recruiting someone with the words 'shut up'?"

"What can I say, Zoro? We're trendsetters!" I cackled as I patted Chopper's top hat. "Either way, welcome to the monster circus, little man! I see you've already met our sake-swilling oni, Zoro-!"

"Bite-!" Zoro hastily silenced himself as he glared ruefully at Soundbite, who was cackling malevolently.

"And our long-nosed tengu-sniper Usopp!"

Usopp opened his mouth and raised a finger... before ultimately settling for laughing ruefully. "Tengu! That... that's a new one! Ahh... well! I'm going to spike everything you put into your mouth with hot sauce for the next week or so. Hope you like tasting fire, bastard!"

"Don't worry, we're usually _much_ worse," I reassured the nervous reindeer-human.

Usopp muttered darkly for a moment before shaking his head and smiling at Chopper. "Despite how much of an ass Cross can be, he's right. You said your name was Chopper, right? Sorry for calling you a monster earlier, that was... an impulse."

"COWARD, _COWARD!"_ Soundbite snickered.

Usopp's eye twitched momentarily before he growled and shook his head in surrender. "Yeah... fair warning, he's not going away any time soon. Believe me, I've tried..."

"Hmph... so we have a reindeer crewmate now, huh?" Zoro mused contemplatively before giving me an exasperated look. "Why do I feel you have something to do with this."

"Hey, I _did_ say we needed a doctor!" I grinned cheekily.

 _That_ got a blink of surprise out of him. "This little guy's a doctor?"

"And a competent one at that!" I assured him.

"C-come on!" Chopper squealed as he proceeded to wiggle around gleefully, a bright blush shining through his fur. "Y-you can't get on my good side by buttering me up like that! It'll take more than words to make me happy! Jerk! Jerk bastard!"

"Your words say no, but your body-!" I laughed as Chopper slapped his hoof against my thigh half-heartedly.

"Well, either way, we're glad to have you aboard, Chopper," Vivi cut in, smiling kindly as she, Nami and Sanji made their way over to us.

"Mm..." Nami hummed noncommittally for a moment before shrugging, albeit while smiling slightly. "Don't shed in my room and you'll fit in just fine."

"Do it and I'll make good on the venison recipes I mentioned earlier," Sanji warned him only semi-seriously.

Chopper swallowed nervously as he eyed our cook and navigator warily. "R-right..."

"Woohoo! New crewmate, new crewmate!" Luffy whooped uproariously as he ran through the snow. "Come on! Let's get back to the Merry so that we can _celebrate!"_

 _That_ got Chopper to shake himself out of his happy dance. "Ah-! C-can we please wait a minute?" He gestured towards the castle. "I need to go and tell Doctorine that I'm leaving! It should only take a few minutes, I promise!"

I tensed as I recalled the 'good' Doctor's pinpoint impression of the Reaper. "Ah... do you really have to?" I hedged uncomfortably. "I mean... letters of farewell are _very_ in fashion lately, you know?"

"No no, it's fine!" Chopper grinned easily. "This won't take long, I promise!"

 **-o- Three minutes later... -o-**

"Wow, you were right..." I huffed as I hung onto the back of the sleigh Chopper was hauling for dear life, my legs trailing in the ice and snow. "That _didn't_ take long!" I winced as a handaxe buried itself in the wood next to my hand, quivering from the force. "Not long _at all!"_

"WILL YOU SHUT UP, CROSS!?" Chopper yelled back at me.

"NOW YOU'RE _REALLY_ FITTING IN!" Usopp called from his position in the sled.

"Har har, very funny!" I growled. "Now would one of you please _pull me-!"_

"HANG ON!"

Without warning, the sleigh suddenly _jerked_ , bucking me clean off and causing me to faceplant into the snow.

All I could do was stare in abject horror as the sled slid down the ropeway. "Well... shit," I mumbled numbly. "That's not good..."

" **THIS** _ **IS WORSE!"**_ Soundbite howled fearfully.

"The heck are you-GYEEP!" I squeaked in terror as a blade planted itself in the snow next to me.

"So brat... I seem to be out an apprentice thanks to you. Care to earn yourself a bed and lukewarm meal?"

"Uh..."

All of a sudden, a _very_ familiar hand was stuck in my face.

"HANG ON, CROSS!"

I grinned victoriously as I grabbed the Luffy's forearm with both hands. "Not today, Witch Doct- _WAAAAGH!"_

And just like that I was _flying_ through the air, my arms feeling like they were a few psi from getting torn out of their sockets. I bounced against the snow laden wire once, twice before I managed to get my feet under myself and balance myself upright.

"HEY CROSS, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" Nami called out over the rushing winds.

"Uhhh..." I mumbled intelligently as I contemplated my situation. On an impulse, I leaned just a _little_ bit to the side, catching sight of just how _high_ we all were.

It was at that point that I became _all_ too aware of the kind of position I was in.

"Pfff..."

"What is he...?" Nami shaded her eyes as she stared at me before slumping in exasperation. "Oh my god..."

I was several hundred feet up in the air...

" _Pfff..."_

"He _can't_ be serious... at a time like this!?" Usopp moaned.

"I wouldn't expect anything else from Mister Jeremiah!" Vivi laughed lightheartedly.

Being pulled behind a one-reindeer open sleigh along an ice-encrusted cable _way_ less than a foot wide...

"PFFF...!"

"He's gonna do it," Zoro sighed.

"Well, it's not like we can expect anything else from him..." Sanji chuckled as he flicked his lighter and lit a cigarette.

Inches, _millimeters_ even, from life and death, hanging on by a wing, a prayer and Luffy's hand...

" _PFFFFF...!"_

"Huh?" Chopper glanced over his shoulder in confusion. "What? What is it? What's he gonna do?"

"The only thing he can do at a time like this!" Luffy crowed, a massive smile plastered on his face. "LAUGH!"

And so I did.

" _PFFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!"_ I roared, letting go of Luffy's arm with one hand and pumping a fist in the air victoriously. "WOOOOO! HELL YEAH, BABY! THIS IS AWESOME! WOOHOO! PFFFHAHAHAA, GODDAMN IT, I FREAKING _LOVE THIS CREW! WOOO!"_

"KOWABUNGA, _BITCHES!_ _ **WOOHOOHOOHOOHOOOOO!"**_ Soundbite cackled madly as he clung to my shoulder for dear life.

As we flew along, I was _beyond_ exhilarated. The wind nipping at my body, the blood roaring through my ears...

As we neared the bottom of the ropeway, I could only wonder one thing:

Whether or not the _momentous,_ absolutely _iconic_ moment I knew was coming next would be able to top the high I was feeling right now.

 **-o-**

It did.

Cherry blossoms... just as goddamn beautiful as I remembered.

You did good, Oda.

You did good.

 **-o-**

An hour of sledding and one duck-thawing-and-marimo-pounding later, we were sailing away from Drum...

And everyone else was watching me with a variety of emotions.

"Do we _really_ need to do this, guys?" Luffy whined. "Come on, we just won! We should be celebrating!"

"Do _you_ want to go without answers?" Zoro asked our Captain flatly.

Luffy made to answer... then closed his mouth with an uncomfortable look on his face.

"Cross..." Nami sighed morosely as she eyed me. "We've been patient... we've waited... we're on the Merry..." She spread her arms helplessly. "No more stalling, Cross. It's time to talk."

I chewed my lip contemplatively as I slowly walked around the deck. The whole time we'd been sailing, I'd made myself scarce. I'd stayed in a corner, I'd stayed quiet... and I'd thought. I'd thought about what I'd say, what I'd said... what I felt...

Finally, I slowly turned and strode towards the Merry's front-left balustrade. The white-painted wood that made up the swirl was slightly cracked, but other than that? It was fully present.

I patted the wood contemplatively, as though to reassure myself that it was still there, before letting loose a laugh of relief. "So..." I started slowly. "You managed to stop Wapol in time... good. It would have been one of Merry's first and... most prominent scars. I know she'll get hurt eventually, but... this one was bad, you know? I just... wanted to save her. From this, if nothing else."

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as my crewmates glanced at each other uneasily, until finally...

"Cross..." Nami started slowly.

I chuckled mirthlessly as I shook my head. "Yeah, yeah... I know... no putting it off." I was silent for a second more before laughing again and scratching my head sheepishly. "Alright then... where to start... Oh!" I clapped my hands in realization. "How about this: who here has heard of the multiverse theory?" The lack of response I received didn't surprise me one bit.

"Yeah, I figured..." I sighed as I dug around in my pockets before finally pulling out a stray ten-beri coin. "Alright, imagine that I flipped this-" I shook the coin slightly. "And one of you called it after I caught it, heads or tails. Multiverse theory states that upon my flipping of this coin, the world would essentially split into two entirely separate yet parallel universes: one universe where the coin came up heads, one where it came up tails. Essentially, two worlds exactly alike save for the flip of a coin, and any differences that might arise thereafter. Assuming this theory can be applied to any action or event, then there exists the possibility that there is, at minimum, one universe in existence for every individual eventuality in existence, bar none."

The blank stares I received from most of the crew surprised me even less.

"Okay..." I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose in exasperation. "There's essentially infinite other worlds in existence, one world for every _possible_ possibility."

Luffy, still looking confused, raised his hand.

"Yes, Luffy, they're mystery worlds," I deadpanned.

Luffy's hand went down.

"Just as an example of one of these mystery worlds... imagine a world, completely different from this one... where a man named Eiichiro Oda wrote a comic book about an entirely _different_ world. A comic book he titled One Piece... about one pirate trying to become Pirate King."

Sanji's eyes widened, cigarette hanging limply from his lips. "You don't mean...!"

"Holy shit..." Nami breathed in shock.

"No way!" Usopp gaped at me.

"Uh... what's he talking about?" Luffy said, looking between his crewmates in confusion.

I briefly considered my answer before sighing wearily and ambling over to Luffy, planting my hand down on his shoulder. "It means, Luffy..." I said sadly. "That I know you were an absolute _moron_ when you were a kid. I mean, seriously, stabbing yourself below the eye in order to prove how much of a badass you are? That was..." I chuckled darkly as I shook my head. "That was really something..."

"Huh!?" Luffy exclaimed as he stared at me in shock. "How do you know about that!?"

"Because Mister Jeremiah's from another world..." Vivi breathed in awe. "A world where all your adventures were a story..."

I spread my arms wide and stepped back. "And I was a fan, dropped into your world without warning by a divine force well beyond human comprehension. I know... practically everything there is to know about this crew: from what happened to you all when you were young that made you who you are today to what's coming for us for some time to come. Minus a few blank spots like the Whiskey Peak-Little Garden run, but... yeah."

" **Waaait..."** Soundbite trailed off thoughtfully. " _So that_ THING _**I ATE**_ **that lets me** _HEAR THESE_ NOISES, _the songs,_ _ **the voices**_... _**THAT WAS-?"**_

"A piece of technology from my world, a communication device known as an iPhone," I explained matter-of-factly. "It was somehow modified by the same force that brought me here, so that it would have infinite energy and would always be connected to the information network we had. What you're hearing is known as the world wide web, or the internet, for short. Or, at least, you're hearing the audio of it anyways. Apparently tastefully edited so that you didn't realize exactly what it was until now."

I let out a heavy huff as I nervously looked over the crew, trying to accurately gauge their reactions. It was... in between, as far as I could tell. Nervous, worried...

I shook my head as I looked away sheepishly. "Look.. guys..."

"One second, Cross."

I blinked in confusion as Zoro interrupted me. "Uh...?"

"I've got a question for you," the swordsman stated.

"Uh..." I swallowed heavily as I tried to puzzle out what he could have wanted. "Yeah? Sure, what is it?"

Zoro slowly walked up to me and poked me in the chest. "A month ago, on the way to Whiskey Peak, you told me that we couldn't afford to spare any information, because it would risk jeopardizing the crew. What's so different between now and then? Why did I have to say something, but you didn't?"

I blinked as I processed the statement before making to answer. "Well, you see-!"

" _These two situations are entirely different."_ That's what I wanted to say, but I cut myself off when I realized... they really weren't were they? Not when you got down to it...

"Ah... well..." I tried to start again. "T-the thing is..." " _Your information was critical!"_ But wasn't mine just as important?

"We... uh..." " _We would have been fine even if I didn't say anything."_ But that was the exact same case as Whiskey Peak.

"The... the difference is..." I trailed off slowly as I realized... that I just couldn't deny facts any longer. I _knew_ what the difference was. I knew it and there was nothing I could do about it.

I clenched my fists furiously as I looked down in shame. "The difference... the difference was..." I croaked out sadly. "Was that you... you trusted our crew... and I didn't..."

"Cross..." Nami started to speak up.

"It's true!" I cut her off harshly. "I-I _know_ you guys! Not just as characters in a story, but as my friends! As my _comrades!_ My allies! I-I should have _known_ you wouldn't be angry, or reject me, I should have _trusted_ you..." I looked down in shame. "...but I didn't. I _didn't_ trust you. I didn't trust you so much that I..."

And just like that, it was too much. I dropped to my knees, only just managing to catch myself on the deck. "I... I _lied_ to you..." I hiccuped, tears streaming down my face. "I lied... to your faces. I lied about where I was from, lied about what I knew... I lied _so much..._ "

Acting on impulse, I brought my head down, resting my forehead against the deck. "I know... that I don't deserve your forgiveness... and that nothing I do will _ever_ be able to make up for this... but nevertheless, I apologize. I am so, _so_ sorry, for everything I've said... for everything I've done... and I just want you to know that when I said I loved this crew... when I said that I loved all you guys... I... I meant it! Every word! So please!" I looked up desperately, fighting to keep myself from breaking down any further. "Don't... make me leave. Joining this crew has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. Do whatever you want, but please... let me stay a Strawhat!"

For a minute, everything was silent, with everyone looking at each other with unreadable expressions.

Finally, Nami slowly walked up to me and knelt before me, looking me dead in the eyes. "Alright Cross, we'll let you stay on the crew..." she stated solemnly. "But first... you need to answer a few questions for us."

"Nami!" Luffy whined petulantly.

"Ah..." I hiccuped shallowly before swallowing and shaking my head. "D-don't worry Luffy. I-I can edit what I say... I-I won't tell you anything big about how our adventures will turn out... if you don't want me to..."

Our captain pursed his lips thoughtfully for a moment before settling into a pout. "Yeah... alright..."

"Alright then..." Nami laid a firm hand on my shoulder."Cross, listen to me _very_ closely. I need to know..."

I held my breath tensely in anticipation.

"How rich are we going to get?"

...what.

" _What."_ I blurted aloud.

"You heard me, man!" Nami squealed as she grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look her dead in the eyes, eyes which were now flashing beri signs at full force. "How much rich are we going to be!? Gold? Jewels!? _Cash!?_ Come on, man, speak!"

"Uh..." I blinked in shock as I tried to process just what I was hearing.

"Oh!" Sanji blinked in apparent realization before hastily spinning up next to Nami. "And what about the beauties, Cross? Shirahoshi might forever be out of my reach by way of half-plus-seven, but surely there must be other women who I can grasp!"

"Oh for the love of..." Zoro scoffed with a roll of his eyes before flashing a bloodthirsty grin. "Ah screw it. Hey, Cross, there're gonna be more fights in the future, I know that much. They'll be good ones, right? Ones that push us straight to the brink and back?"

"I... I, ah..."

"Me next! Me next!" Usopp waved his hand in the air eagerly. "What kind of brave feats will I pull off? Am I going to prove that I'm a brave warrior of the seas?"

"Uh... what are you guys...?" Chopper blinked around in confusion until Usopp leaned down and whispered something in his ear. "Oh... Oh! Ah... in that case... I-! I, uh..." Chopper racked his brain in confusion before sticking his tongue out sheepishly. "I... can't actually think of a question. Sorry?"

Vivi made to say something as well...

"Hey!" Luffy suddenly bellowed. "No more questions! After these, Cross only says anything if it's really, _really_ important, and not before that!"

Before she bit her lip and looked away in disappointment.

I blinked in confusion as I looked at my crewmates. "Ah... w-wait... hold on a second, what..."

"Well?" Nami interrupted me with a smile. "Come on! I asked you a question! You're gonna answer, right? _Pleeeease!"_

I stared at the navigator in incomprehension for a second... before jerking as I realized just what the hell she was saying. What they were _all_ saying.

I came _this_ close to breaking into tears as I stared at them all. Nothing. Despite everything I'd said... everything I'd done... _nothing_ had changed. Absolutely _nothing_ at all. It was... I knew these guys were great, but this... this was...

A slight nudging against my neck prompted me to look down at Soundbite. He looked me over contemplatively for a second before grinning from eyestalk to eyestalk. " _WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR!?"_ he demanded eagerly.

I huffed heavily before shaking my head and sucking it up, matching his grin as widely as I could. "Nothing... nothing at all... Let's get to it!"

And so I did.

Without missing so much as a beat, I stood up and swung my arm around Nami's. "Nami, Nami, Nami..." I sighed dramatically as I shook my head sadly. "Your words, they _wound_ me more than you can imagine. For you see... we will not be rich."

I could practically _hear_ Nami's heart break, her eyes filling to the brim with tears.

"No..." I continued confidently, my grin widening as I got back into the swing of things. "We will be _beyond_ rich."

And just like that, Nami was back to ecstatic.

"In fact, we will be beyond even 'more than just rich'. With your fiscal knowledge and my insight, we are going to be filthy, stinking, down and out _dirty_ _loaded."_

Nami _shuddered_ with pleasure, drool trailing down from the corner of her mouth as she giggled maniacally.

"We are going to be _so_ loaded, that we will make nobles look like peasants! People's jaws will _literally_ drop in sheer _awe_ at the splendor of our wealth!"

Nami shuddered even harder, her eyes glazing over in sheer joy.

"To put it simply, well... tell me: how does the image of Merry's hold filled to bursting with solid, 24 karat gold sound?"

" _Oooooh!"_

I blinked in confusion as Nami suddenly shuddered from head to toe and moaned euphorically.

I then reeled back as realization hit me head on. "Uh... Nami... did... you just-!?"

" _Yessss..."_ Nami drooled blissfully.

I shuddered uncomfortably as I did my best to wipe myself off. "Ooookay..."

"MOVING ON!" Soundbite prompted hastily.

"RIGHT!" I yelped as I swung over to Sanji. "Sanji, my friend! I'll be honest with you! Times, they will be tough. You will have to endure rejection, your will will be pushed to the utmost limits... in short..." I held my fist up and shook my head sadly. "You will have to traverse through the deepest, darkest depths of hell itself."

Sanji shuddered heavily, but then shot a hopeful look at me. "I'm not imagining the but I'm hearing, am I?"

I nodded as I clamped my hand down on his shoulder. "But! So long as you persist and hold firm, then I swear to you, I _swear..."_ I gave him a firm nod. "You will reach paradise my friend. It is out there! You must strive for it with all your soul, _but it awaits you!_ Will you reach for it?"

"HELL YEAH!" Sanji roared, the fires of his heart and soul blazing around him.

I then moved on to Zoro, nodding at him in apology. "Zoro. To start with, sorry again about Whiskey Peak. I won't push you like that again, I promise. We square?"

Zoro scoffed and waved his hand dismissively. "Please. I let the witch off the hook-" He pointedly ignored the barrel that bounced off his skull, as well as the screech of 'FUCK YOU!' that accompanied it. "-what the hell makes you think I can't do the same here?" He then shot me a smile to make the devil himself shiver. "Though your training _is_ going to be straight from the depths of hell from now on, that you can count on."

I squeaked fearfully at the evil expression he was wearing, doing my best to clamp down on my bladder. "Fights. Lots of fights, good fights!"

" _NEXT!"_ Soundbite hissed furiously.

"Agreed!" I nodded in agreement as I wheeled around and marched towards Usopp.

"Don't worry, I finished what you asked me for before you got sick," the sniper reassured me.

I shuddered nervously as I felt Zoro's eyes boring into my back. "Somehow that doesn't reassure me..." I hastily shook my head and got back my nerve before smiling kindly. "Anyways... look, I won't play it up with you: you're always going to be the weakest member of the Straw Hat Pirates, and that's a fact."

"Oh..." Usopp sagged sadly.

"Hey hey hey!" I cut in as I grabbed his shoulders and forced him upright. "What's with the downer reaction, buddy? I just said you were going to be the weakest of the _crew!_ Now, that might be an insult or something on other crews, sure, but let me remind you: we are the Straw Hat Pirates! By nature, we are head and _shoulders_ above everyone else on the ocean! Hence, even if you _are_ the weakest among us, well..." I chuckled confidently. "Let me put it this way: you will more than _earn_ two titles in the future: Sniper King... and _God."_

Usopp blinked at me in awe. "...seriously?"

I nodded firmly as I patted him on the back. "Weakest or strongest, it doesn't matter. End of the day, you're a Straw Hat Pirate and a brave warrior of the sea, and a world-class sniper besides. Take pride in that, no matter what anyone says. Alright?"

Usopp stared at me in shock for a second... before throwing his arms up joyously. "WOOHOO!" he whooped, doing some sort of… dance?.

Chuckling as Usopp joined Sanji and Nami in celebrating, I moved onto Chopper, kneeling before him with a kind smile. "Hey Chopper," I said softly. "How's it hanging?"

"Uh..." Chopper smiled uncertainly. "I'm... fine? Really! This is... a bit weird, but, uh..." He trailed off uncertainly.

"Hey, listen..." I gently patted him on top of his hat. "I just want you to know... even if I hadn't involved myself, Luffy would _still_ have asked you to join the crew. All I did was make things easier, nothing more and nothing less. No matter what... you _belong_ on this crew, and don't you doubt it for a second, alright?"

Chopper blinked at me in shock before immediately resorting to his default reaction as he started twisting around joyously. "Y-you can't make me happy just with a few words you bastard!" he laughed happily. "I-I'm not happy at all, you ass! Not a bit, not even a little bit!"

"LIAR LIAR, _fur_ **on fire!"** Soundbite cackled.

"Yeah yeah, whatever," I scoffed, rolling my eyes as I flicked Soundbite's shell and stood up. "Now go on and have fun. Oh, and try the chopstick thing. I don't think I can manage it, but it looks fun!"

"Okay!" the reindeer nodded as he joined the rest of the crew.

Once he was gone, and I'd confirmed that Luffy wasn't looking my way, I slid up next to Vivi, who'd been uncomfortably standing on the sidelines the whole time. "Sorry about Whiskey Peak, " I whispered under my breath. "I needed to get you to break character somehow, or else..."

Vivi glanced at me for a second before smiling warmly. "It's fine, Cross. You did what you had to do, and... well, if you hadn't, then I'd probably be dead. So... thank you, Cross. For everything." Her smile fell slightly as she glanced towards Luffy. "Listen... Cross, I know that Luffy said-"

"It's going to be hard," I interrupted her. "The fight for Alabasta is going to be long, it's going to be hard, sometimes it'll even appear impossible, and you can bet your bottom beri that it's going to be bloody, but in the end, well..." I jerked my head towards Luffy. "You just need to believe that we'll pull through. It's... as simple as that. Alright?"

Vivi's smile widened and she nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Cross. That... that means more to me than you can possibly imagine."

I nodded in agreement. "No problem, Vivi. No problem at all. Now if you'll excuse me..." I started to walk towards Luffy. "I've got one last statement to make. Hey, Captain!"

Luffy blinked at me in confusion. "Huh? What is it, Cross?"

"I know you didn't ask anything... but I just want to say two things!" I emphasized the point with two fingers. "Now mind you, one of these two things was confirmed by the story, but I have believed in _both_ without a doubt in my mind for as long as I've known them. You mind if I say them?"

Luffy tilted his head in thought for a moment before grinning from ear to ear. "Go for it, Cross!"

"Well then, in that case..." I crossed my arms and bowed my head solemnly. "First and foremost, allow me to say this: One Piece exists!"

And just like that, all movement on deck froze as everyone stared at me in surprise and awe.

"Now!" I held up my finger hastily. "Whether it's waiting for us on Raftel or at the center of the planet or somewhere else entirely, I don't have the foggiest, but either way, I believe with all my heart that it's _somewhere_ out there, waiting for us to find it!"

I popped my second finger up. "Which leads me straight to my _second_ statement!" I looked Luffy dead in the eye as I grinned as widely and confidently as I could manage. "We _will_ find One Piece, and you _will_ be the King of the Pirates! I'll admit, before I met you, I only _knew_ that you would do it as a fact, but after I met you... after I met you, I believed it. I believed it with all my heart and soul. I believe it now, and I will until the day I die!" I nodded firmly. "And that's a legitimate _fact."_

Luffy blinked at me in numb shock for a minute... before grinning as wide as he could possibly manage, _literally_ vibrating with excitement. " _Now_ can we celebrate!?" he squealed impatiently.

I exchanged exasperated looks with Nami and Zoro for a second before spreading my arms wide. "Ladies and gentlemen... I have only one word for you all!"

"And that word would be?" Luffy asked eagerly.

I opened my mouth... and Soundbite belted it out before I could start.

" _ **KANPAI!"**_ he roared.

I glared at Soundbite in exasperation for a second before sighing and shrugging with a grin. "You heard the snail! _Let's get brick faced!"_

And with that, the Merry roared into a full-blown celebration, our party lasting straight on through the night.

It couldn't last forever, but for the time being... we were happy and we were at peace. And that... made _everything_ up until that point worth it.


	15. The Inevitable Holiday Special!

**This Bites! The Inevitable Holiday Special!**

It was a nice, cloudy morning on the Going Merry: the wind was blowing, the waves were lightly rocking, and I was leaning back and relaxing up in the crow's nest.

I let out a contented sigh as I stretched my limbs out and leaned back in my wooden seat. "I love end-of-night watch duty... we clear, Soundbite?" I asked with the apathy of the content.

" **EE-** _yup..."_ Soundbite sighed happily from within his shell.

"Perfect..." I grinned as fidgeted slightly in my seat... before jerking in shock as something cold hit my nose. "What the-!?"

I snapped my eyes open and looked around frantically for a moment... before sagging miserably as I caught sight of just what had hit me: a snowflake, one of many that were all swirling around us.

"Seriously?" I growled in exasperation before tapping Soundbite's shell. "Ship-wide broadcast."

An electronic whine shook the air.

"Wakey wakey, guys," I groaned wearily. "We've got snow blowing in." I glanced around hastily before sighing in relief. "No icebergs, but... well, you know the drill. All hands on deck."

A chorus of groans rang out briefly before Soundbite cut them off and poked his eyestalks out, eyes narrowed. " _Fourth_ TIME **this week!"**

"Yeah yeah, I know..." I grumbled as I placed Soundbite down on my shoulder. "But hey, it's the Grand Line. What're you gonna do?" And with that, I slid out of the crow's nest and slowly made my way down the rigging, watching all the while as the rest of the crew got out on deck.

Well, most of the rest of the crew. Zoro was still asleep and had to be carried by Luffy.

I sighed and massaged my eyes tiredly before dropping down to the deck. "Soundbite?"

" _ **GROOOOOAH!"**_

"GAH!" Zoro barked as he jerked awake and flailed off Luffy's shoulder. The second he realized what had happened, he snapped a glare at Soundbite. "You realize someone's going to lose it and kill you, right?"

" _Let 'em try!"_ Soundbite cackled.

"Yeah yeah, shut up, the both of you," Nami growled as she rolled her eyes in frustration. "Okay everyone, snap to it. Drop the sails, raise the anchor, the full nine yards. Let's get the Merry under control before we get caught up in _another_ winter storm."

"Aye aye..." I and everyone else groaned in agreement as we hopped to it.

"And it'sh sho cwose to Chwishmash too..." Carue whined.

Those words served to freeze everyone in their spots, all of us turning to stare at the duck in shock.

"Wait, you have Christmas?!" I blurted out in shock.

"Does anyone know what day it is?" Nami asked at the same time.

"Uh..." Chopper racked his brain furiously. "I-I think it was the 18th the day we left Drum!"

"And we were on Drum a little under a week ago..." Nami mused before looking up in shock. "Holy crap, it's Christmas Eve!"

"Wait, seriously?!" Luffy squealed eagerly before throwing his arms up and whooping joyously. "That means that this is Christmas snow! Woohoo! Hey, Usopp, think fast!"

"Huh?" _THWACK!_ "ARGH!" Usopp sputtered as he was sent sprawling ass over teakettle by a snowball the size of a bowling ball slamming into his head. He lay still for a moment before twitching ever so slightly.

"Luffy..." he growled out. "I hope you realize..." He suddenly snapped to his knees and let loose a hastily constructed snowball. "THIS MEANS WAR!"

The snowball struck its target dead on, slamming clean into the center of their face. Unfortunately... due to the snow in Usopp's eyes, and maybe a minor concussion on top of that, the target in question was the wrong one.

Chopper blinked in surprise as he cleared the snow from his eyes before looking at Usopp neutrally. "Usopp..." he started slowly. "I know I've led a reclusive lifestyle until recently... but the long and short of it is that I've lived on a Winter Island my entire life. I have grown up surrounded by snow, by ice, by cold... to put it simply..."

All of a sudden, there was a three-hundred-pound goliath of fur and muscle standing in the middle of the deck, grinning madly as he held up two snowballs he'd picked up from _somewhere._ " _I'm in my element!"_

Usopp blinked in confusion. "Wha- _ohshit!"_ he yelped as he ducked behind the mast, only just managing to avoid the massive snowballs that plastered the space he'd occupied moments before. A second later, he peeked out from around the mast with a snowball loaded into his slingshot. "WAR!" he howled furiously.

"WAR!" Chopper roared back as he held up a new pair of head-sized snowballs.

" _WAR!"_ Luffy made three as he held up a massive ball of snow over his head, laughing even as the other two pelted him with their respective arsenals.

I blinked numbly as I processed just how _fast_ things had devolved into madness. "Holy _shi-_ WOAHFUCK!" I yelped as I jumped out of the way of the trio's stray fire, hunkering down behind a trio of barrels that we'd left lying on deck. The panicked squawking behind me told me that Carue hadn't been as quick on the uptake as I had been.

A second later, Nami joined me, huffing heavily as she brushed a hefty amount of snow off of herself. "Those _idiots..."_ she growled, half fondly, half in exasperation.

"Sooo..." I started slowly, occasionally glancing over the edge of the barrels as I monitored the progress of the ongoing war. "Christmas. You guys have it too?"

Nami shot me an incredulous look. "You really want to talk about this here? _Now!?"_

"Well..."

Without warning, _something_ shot clean through the side of one of the barrels, leaving behind an _all_ too clean hole.

I stared at the barely-controlled devastation in numb horror. "Point taken." I grabbed Nami's wrist. "Come with me if you want to li- _ow!"_

" _THAT'S_ **my SCHTICK!"** Soundbite snarled once he let go of my ear.

"Schtick? What is he-?" Nami snapped a glare at Soundbite. "Did he just make a cheesy reference?"

" _ **Mozzarella-**_ **worthy!"**

"I thought so."

THWACK! "OUCH!" I yelped as Nami slapped me upside my head. "What the hell was that for!?"

"You earned it! Now come on!" Nami grabbed my by the front of my collar and dragged me out from behind our cover. "Let's move!"

The next few moments were a flurry of movement, snow and _pain,_ but eventually we managed to make our way into the kitchen, where Vivi and Sanji were waiting for us.

"Well _that_ was fun..." Nami shivered as she sloughed off the layer of snow that had covered her.

"Tell me about it," I muttered shakily as I glanced at our other two friends. "I see you managed to save the princess, Mister Knight."

"Psh!" Sanji scoffed as he puffed on his cigarette. "As though such a small amount of cold could so much as _touch_ the flames of my heart!"

"Did either of you manage to see what happened to Carue?" Vivi asked in concern.

I winced slightly before placing my hand on my heart with a remorseful expression. "He fought well, but ultimately... I am afraid he fell in battle." I held my fist up and shook my head sadly. "He will be remembered."

" **GOODNIGHT,** SWEET _PRINCE!"_ Soundbite faux-sobbed.

Suddenly, a pounding rang out against the door. " _WET ME IN YOU MOWONS, BEFOW THEY FWEEZE ME FUCKIN' SOWID!"_

Vivi shot me a vicious glare, prompting me to give a sheepish smile before hastily wrenching the door open and dragging Carue through. "Heheh... sorry?"

"Scwew you, Cwoss..." Carue grumbled as he shook himself out and worked the snow out of his feathers.

"Ah well, can't blame a guy for trying. Oh, by the way, did you see Zoro?"

"Yeah..." Carue scoffed as he rolled his eyes. "He's still out there. And bewieve you me, he's having the time of his wife."

I frowned in confusion before glancing out the door's porthole... and promptly wrenching my way back with a shiver; the grin Zoro was sporting as he sliced up any and all snowballs that came his way was down and out _demented!_ And the fact that he didn't have a speck of snow on him did _not_ help.

" _Scaaaa-_ **ry..."** Soundbite shuddered.

"Sooo..." I trailed off uncomfortably. "Christmas, huh? You guys have it?"

"Wait, you do too!?" Nami asked in disbelief.

"Festive winter holiday with red, white, and green as the traditional colors, a focus on snow and snow-related activities, and gift-exchanging as one of, if not the greatest parts of the holiday?" I summarized curiously.

"Sounds like Christmas to me," Sanji whistled in awe.

"I'm actually more surprised that _you_ guys have it!" I continued, my voice rising. "I mean... what with the difficulties in geographical distance and climate, how do you actually... you know, coordinate it all? That's not even getting into the _wildly_ divergent cultural roots between our two worlds."

Vivi shrugged helplessly. "I couldn't really tell you, to be honest. Christmas is one of the oldest and most popular holidays the world over. Everyone, be they pirate, marine or civilian, no matter the species or nationality, _always_ drops everything for the sake of celebrating it. Literally _nothing_ is more important. And as for climate, well..." she gestured outside. "As you can see, every year on Christmas Eve, across the entire planet, it starts to snow. It's... generally accepted as a Christmas Miracle!"

" _ **DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY!"**_ Soundbite belted out in a joyous chorus. " _ **DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL, FALALA, LALALA, LALALA!"**_

"Woah!" I chuckled as I angled my head away from the snail. "Listen to you! Sounds like you're already deep in the holiday spirit, huh?"

"YEAH, YEAH!" Soundbite nodded eagerly, his smile taking on a slightly sad tone. " _First_ **Christmas WITH FRIENDS!** _NORMALLY_ _ **I'm all alone..."**_

That sentence caused me to freeze in shock, before I looked down as a thought struck me. "Huh..." I breathed, a new comprehension of what that meant coming over me. "That's... Wow... You know... I tried not to think about it before, but... some part of me acknowledged that I'd never get to celebrate Christmas again. But now this... I... I realize I should be happy, but..." I looked down and shook my head sadly as I scratched the back of my neck. "This... will be the first time I've celebrated Christmas... away from my family."

And just like that, everyone else stiffened before allowing a wave of sadness to wash over them.

"I always managed to make my way back to Cocoyashi in time for Christmas, no matter what..." Nami muttered numbly. "I... I passed up a lot of big whales because of it, but... none of that ever mattered. Being with Nojiko and Genzo was more important than anything..."

"Old Man Zeff, Patty, Carne, and the rest of those shitstains..." Sanji huffed around his cigarette. "Those dumbasses... the pudding's almost definitely gonna taste like shit without me there..."

Vivi shuddered miserably before wrapping her arms around Carue's neck in a desperate hug. "I've... I've had to celebrate Christmas twice without my father... but..." she buried her face in Carue's feathers. "I... I always had Igaram with me... I... I know he's alive and I'm happy for it, but..." Her voice hitched, leaving her unable to find it again.

Carue quacked sadly as he rubbed Vivi's back comfortingly, staring off into the distance all the while. "Wooks wike Kentauwos will haf ta lead the squad on the cwoss-countwy gift wun again... hope Stomp'll be able to handle it, he almost didn't make it wast time..."

We were silent for a moment before I glanced towards the door. "Zoro might have been alone for a while now, but the rest..." I hissed sadly as I shook my head. "Usopp, Luffy, Chopper... they didn't have much, but they _had_ something..." I shrugged helplessly. "And now they're all an ocean away from them."

The mood was thick and heavy...

"' **TIS THE SEASON,** _ **JACKASSES!"**_

"GAH!" We all jumped in shock as Soundbite suddenly filled the cabin with a furious roar.

"You little _uncooked-!"_ Sanji raged furiously.

"Can't you read the mood you little shit!?" Nami demanded incredulously.

" _HELL YES!_ THAT'S _**the point!"**_ the Baby Transponder Snail spat.

"What the hell awe you-!?" Carue started to snarl.

"Wait!" I hastily barked up, my blood racing through my veins. "I realize that he might have been callous, but damn it, and I _can't_ believe I'm saying this for _so_ many reasons, the snail has a point!"

"Um... I'm sorry?" Vivi blinked in confusion.

"Look at us!" I swept my arms over the cabin. "We're getting all moody and brooding! And that is the exact _opposite_ of how we should be! I mean, god _damn it,_ people!" I flung my arms up extravagantly. "It's _Christmas goddamn Eve!_ We should be celebrating what we have, not lamenting what we don't! We might not have presents, we might not have the food, hell, we might not even have any decorations, but _so goddamn what!?_ We have each other! We have our _lives!_ And that... that is _more_ than enough for me. What about the rest of you?"

My crewmates glanced amongst one another contemplatively for a second...

"Hell yeah!"

"The Commie's got a point!"

"Thank you for that, Mister Jeremiah, I needed it more than you can imagine."

"I might hate yow guts, Soundbite... but shanks."

Before they gave me a response that granted me the _biggest_ fucking grin imaginable.

"Then what the hell are we waiting for, people?!" I demanded exuberantly. "You heard Soundbite! Let's hop to it and deck the halls!"

"You got it!" Sanji grinned as he rolled up his sleeves. "It's going to be a stretch, but I _think_ we've got enough oil and corn kernels!"

"I think I can spare about... half of my paper?" Nami mused contemplatively. "I should be able to get ten flakes out of each sheet..."

"We'll need wax, pieces of string, paint, some glass jars..." Vivi counted off thoughtfully.

"I think I know a few paint wecipes! The squad usuawwy uses them as feather dye, but it _should_ work!" Carue offered.

"Too bad there's not a pine tree for miles around..." I sighed morosely.

I blinked as silence suddenly reigned, then glanced at the rest of the crew present to find them all wearing identical masks of confusion.

"What the heck do you need popcorn for!?" Nami blurted at Sanji.

"Vivi dear, what could you need all those things for?" Sanji asked our resident princess as cordially as he could manage.

"What does paper have to do with flakes of any sort?" Vivi blinked as she tried to process the, to her, complete non-sequitur.

"Why da _heck_ would you want a _pine twee_ of aww things?" Carue demanded in disbelief.

"Uhh... for a _Christmas Tree?"_ I scoffed as I spread my arms wide.

The statement drew everyone's attention and disbelief to me, but before they could start to question that statement, I held up my hands for silence.

"And unless I miss my guess!" I pointed at Sanji. "Popcorn strings?"

"Exactly, thank you!" Sanji snapped, flinging his hands up in gratitude.

I moved on to Nami. "Paper snowflakes?"

"Yes!" Nami sighed in relief. "Geeze, I swear to- have you people been living under a _rock_ your whole lives!?"

"And..." I trailed off slightly as I turned towards Vivi, wracking my brain furiously before finally making the connection. "Paint the jars, put in the candle and voila, electricity-free Christmas lights?"

"Hallelujah..." Vivi sighed in relief.

"Okay, I think I know what's going on here!" I announced, clapping my my hands together firmly. "I don't know which way this goes, but you all have different holiday traditions, no doubt hammered out between the North and East Blues and the Grand Line. They might be foreign to you all, but to me, they're _all_ traditions of the _same_ holiday. I guess it's not surprising none of you have the tree, South or West Blue must get it, but right now that doesn't really matter. For now, I say we lump all our traditions together at once and throw the biggest Christmas Bash we can possibly swing! All in favor?"

"AYE!" everyone chorused, their eagerness revitalized.

"Then come on!" I strode towards the door. "Let's grab the morons and hop to it!"

Just as we were about to exit the door, however, I paused as a thought struck me. "Huh..."

"What is it?" Nami questioned.

"Ah!" I shook my head and blushed in embarrassment. "Nothing, really, I was just wondering how everyone else the world over might be celebrating the holidays."

Vivi blinked in surprise before tapping her chin contemplatively. "Huh... good question..."

I shrugged in agreement. "I know, right? Well!" I clapped my hands firmly. "Anyways! Delaying things won't make this any easier. Shall we?"

"I'd rather not..." Nami demurred.

"Yeah, me neither," I groaned. "But let's get to it!"

And with that, we shouldered our way through the snow-caked door and out into the maelstrom outside.

Still, despite how cold things were and how wet our clothes got midway through... we all wound up laughing half an hour in, loving every second of it.

 **-o-**

"HAHAHA! You always manage to surprise me, Woopy!" Dadan cackled as she knocked back the mug she was holding. "You act prim and proper the rest of the year, but come Christmas you manage to drink enough eggnog to put half of my boys under the table! You sure you weren't a pirate or bandit in a past life?"

"Psh!" Mayor Woop Slap snorted as he swirled his mug. "Perish the thought! I have always been a good and honest man, both in this life and all the ones I've lived before! I just consider Christmas to be a good time to relax, is all! After all..." The old official's grin widened in an uncharacteristically cheeky manner as he waved his mug towards the crowd of bandits and villagers mingling in the bar. "I'm allowing you bandit scum to come down here without any sort of protest, aren't I?"

"HAHAHA!" Dadan cackled as she pounded the bar in her mirth. "I take it back old man! It looks like you're pretty damn buzzed yourself!"

"Not a chance!" the Mayor huffed as he waved his cane testily. "I'm-! _Whoops!"_ The senior citizen yelped in panic as he nearly tilted off of his stool, and the only thing that kept him from hitting the floor was the young bartender grabbing his sleeve. "Oookay, so I might be a bit tipsy after all. Sue me! It's Christmas, dammit! Ah, by the way, thank you, Makino."

Makino smiled kindly as she patted the old man's shoulder. "Not a problem, Mayor Woop Slap. Now then..." Her smile widened slightly as she refilled the pair's mugs, while pulling out one of her own. "What say we do something we've all been waiting for, huh?"

"HA!" Dadan barked as she slapped the bar once anew. "I hear you, Makino! Let's do it!" And with that, she drew a pair of wanted posters from her jacket and waved it in the air. "HEY EVERYONE!" she bellowed. "THREE CHEERS FOR THE SONS OF MT. COLUMBO, THOSE STILL WITH US AND THOSE GONE BEFORE THEIR TIME! HIP HIP!"

"HURRAH!" the rest of the bar goers roared in agreement as they toasted their mugs.

Makino chuckled lightly as she drank from her own mug, smiling fondly at the wanted posters Dadan was holding. "Merry Christmas boys, wherever you are."

 **-o-**

"And one for you, and one for you, one for you..."

"Merry Christmas, Miss Rika. Delivering the boys their holiday meals, I see."

"Merry Christmas, Captain Seigi!" the young girl smiled up at the Marine Captain. "And yup! I made these riceballs myself! You're the last one!"

"Oh?" The Captain cocked his eyebrow as he looked over the basket she was holding. "But don't you have three there?"

Rika huffed and pouted childishly as she glared at the two riceballs. "Those two are for Helmeppo and Coby. I'm going to send them to them at Marine HQ." Her pout took on a slightly saddened tone. "I still can't believe they're not coming back for Christmas..."

The Captain winced slightly before giving her a comforting pat on the shoulder. "I know it's hard Rika, believe me, we miss them too-"

"Yeah, the halls just haven't had that _shine!"_

"CRAM IT BEFORE I COURT-MARTIAL YOU, WINSLOW! Ah, ahem, sorry about that... anyways. I assure you, Rika, they probably miss you just as much as you miss them."

Rika sniffed sadly before nodding in understanding. "Well, alright..." She then grinned happily and held up one of the rice balls to the Captain. "Merry Christmas, Captain!"

The Captain grinned in agreement as he patted the young girl's head and took the riceball. "Merry Christmas to you too, Rika. Merry Christmas to you too."

He then took a bite of the rice ball... and had to fight to withhold his grimace. "Rika... what did you... make these balls with?"

"Sugar and cinnamon! But Coby and Helmeppo are getting salt! That's what they get for not coming home for the holidays!"

"Ah... I-I see... Lucky bastards..."

"Did you say something, Captain?"

"N-nothing, Rika, nothing!"

 **-o-**

The dozen-odd students of the swordmaster Koshiro stood shivering and miserable out in the courtyard of his dojo, despite the December cold and the light flurries landing on and around them. They had read enough samurai stories to know that this was a test, that if they couldn't stand a little cold, they couldn't consider themselves real swordsmen!

Still, they all, to a boy, wished sensei would hurry up already. They'd been standing in the courtyard since the usual start of practice time, nearly two hours ago. Thus, all of them stood up a little straighter when the sliding door to Koshiro's dojo slid open, letting the man himself pad out in his winter robes, fluffy bunny slippers on his feet and a cup of coffee in hand.

For a moment, he didn't see them, but when he did his eyes widened in surprise. "My word! What are you all doing here?"

The boys all glanced uncertainly at each other before one of them, with black hair shaved close to his head, piped up. "This… isn't a test?"

"Goodness, no!" Koshiro immediately denied. "I would never have you practicing on Christmas Eve!"

"H-huh?" The boys blinked in shock. "But... then why are you coming outside in your winter clothes?"

Koshiro blinked in confusion before nodding in understanding. "Ahh, I see the problem. No no, this is not for training, I'm merely going to celebrate the holiday with my family."

"Huh?" One of the students tilted his head in confusion. "But sensei, didn't your dau- _OOF!"_ The boy winced as the student next to him rammed his elbow into his ribs. "What was that-Ah... ooooh..."

The students shuffled around uncomfortably for a moment... before one of them strode forwards and looked Koshiro square in the eyes. "I'll join you sensei! And I'll do it without my winter clothes too!"

"Yeah, me too!"

"Same here!"

"Actually, I'm gonna go get my- _OW!_ I-I mean yeah! I'm with them!"

Koshiro stared at his students in surprise for a moment... before smiling warmly at all of them. "Thank you, boys. I very much appreciate it."

' _And I'm sure you do as well, Kuina...'_ Koshiro thought fondly. ' _Merry Christmas, my daughter. And to you as well, Zoro, wherever you might be.'_

 **-o-**

"Ruff, ruff!"

"Ah, thank you, Chouchou!" Mayor Boodle grinned as he picked up one of the brown paper bags the dog was carrying on his back.

Chouchou woofed again before trotting down the street, proffering the bags he was carrying to the other villagers working on rebuilding houses wrecked mere months before.

"Heh, that's one dedicated dog!" one of the villagers working besides Boodle noted happily.

"Yeah, I wonder where he gets it from!"

Boodle hid his smile as he ate his lunch. He had a good idea of just who had inspired Chouchou in such a way, but if the dog didn't intend to tell anyone about their mutual friend, then neither would he.

' _We're all wishing you a Merry Christmas, Strawhat Pirates,'_ Boodle thought happily as he helped a villager put up a string of paper snowflakes. ' _Even if most of us don't really know it!'_

 **-o-**

Upon the Island of Rare Animals, every last one of the inhabitants, from the greatest of the hybrids down to Gaimon himself, was snoring like a Gregorian choir of chainsaws as they slept together in a massive pile, as they were wont to do every year on Christmas. The reason being that while Gaimon's coconut eggnog was indeed both strong and delicious, it could also be described as a little _too_ strong, always knocking the animals unconscious after the initial rush.

The next day, they would all wake up with apocalyptic hangovers, promising themselves that they would never drink the foul concoction again... all while inwardly smiling at the prospect of doing it all over again the next year.

 **-o-**

 _Ding-Dong!_

"Hello?"

" _Jingle bells, Kuro smells, Jango laid an egg-!"_

"Hahahahaha!" Kaya cut off the caroling as she burst into laughter. "T-that's a very inventive song, boys, very creative!"

"Thank you, Miss Kaya!" Carrot grinned joyously.

"We were working on it all week!" Onion informed her.

"You really liked it?" Pepper inquired eagerly.

"Of course! It was lovely!"

"It was a little bit off key, in my opinion!" a voice called from the depths of the mansion.

Kaya shot a slight glare over her shoulder before smiling at the trio of boys. "Oh, don't listen to that old goat." She leaned in slightly with an impish expression. "In my opinion, I think he might be going a little deaf in one ear, if you know what I mean."

"I heard that!"

Kaya giggled lightly at the intended reaction before refocusing on the boys. "So, what brings you all here? Did you just want to share that carol, or do you want to come in and have some hot cocoa?"

"Actually, Miss Kaya, we can't stay!" Carrot informed her.

"Yeah, we need to send our gifts to the captain right away!" Pepper concurred.

"We have them right here, see?" Onion held up a glass bottle that was sealed with a cork and some wax, an action that the other two boys imitated.

"Oh, that's a _wonderful_ idea!" Kaya cooed as she looked the bottles over. "And what are you sending him?"

"I'm sending him a story I wrote!"

"I'm sending a lizard!"

"I'm sending socks!" Onion flinched as his friends pinned him with duel glares. "What!? They're useful!"

"Well I think it all sounds wonderful!" Kaya hastily reassured them. "As a matter of fact, I think I'd like to send something to Usopp as well. Would you mind waiting a moment so that I can get it ready for him?"

"Sure!"

"Okay!"

"Well, I need to get back in time for dinner-" THWACK! "OW! Alright, alright, geeze..."

"Okay, give me one moment!" Kaya hastily darted back into her mansion, going up the stairs and towards her room. A minute later, she came down with a bottle of her own. "Here you go! Please, send it along with all of your gifts as well!"

"Alright!"

"You got it!"

"Merry Christmas, Miss Kaya!"

"And Merry Christmas to you!" Kaya said as she closed the door.

The trio immediately started walking away from the mansion towards the shore, crowding around the bottle all the while.

"What's she sending? What's she sending?" Carrot asked eagerly.

"Hm..." Pepper hummed curiously as he held his eye against the bottle. "It looks like a letter... with lipstick on it?"

"Wow, the Captain's one lucky guy..." Onion whistled in awe.

"Yeah..."

"Well come on, let's go!"

"Oh, hey! Do you want to do this in style?"

"Yeah! Okay, on three. One, two-!"

"THREE! PIRATES! PIRATES ARE COMING!"

 **-o-**

"Blargh!"

Johnny looked curiously at Yosaku, who had just spat out… something. "What's wrong?"

"This pudding tastes like shit!" Yosaku complained, angrily jabbing his spoon in the offending dish. "The flavor's all wrong and it's grainy instead of smooth!"

"WHAT!?" Patty roared as he slammed his fist down on top of the bounty hunter's skull, bouncing his head against the immaculate dinner table he and his bro were dining at. "Are your tastebuds defective or something!? That pudding is 100% bonafide Baratie Christmas Pudding! It's the pride of our holidays! No way it could taste like anything less than ambrosia!"

"Oh yeah!?" Yosaku snarled darkly. "If it tastes so good, then why don't _you_ try some!?"

"I will!" Patty snarled as he grabbed up a spoon and shoved a chunk of the dish into his mouth.

The second the pudding hit his tongue, Patty's face screwed up into an expression of horrified disgust, but he powered through and rolled it on his tongue before choking it down his throat. The second it was down, however, he screwed up his face furiously and roared towards the kitchen. "THAT TASTED LIKE SHIT! WHO THE HELL WASTED INGREDIENTS MAKING THAT!?

"YOU DID, YOU MORON!" Carne shot back as he stalked out of the kitchen balancing twice his height in platters.

Patty blinked as he ran over the list of dishes he'd made that day. "Oh, yeah, right." Then he went straight back to furious. "WELL IT'S NOT MY GODDAMN FAULT! _SOMEONE_ FORGOT TO STIR IT WHILE IT WAS COOLING! WHOSE JOB WAS THAT!?"

Zeff snorted as he strode past Patty, his balance and gait not shifting an inch as he swung his pegleg up to slap the cook upside his head. "The shitty brat who's not here anymore, shitbrains."

Patty blinked in surprise before wincing guiltily as he picked the dish up from the table. "I'll... get you a new dish of pudding. I'll handle this myself." And with that he shambled back to the kitchen, his head hung low in shame.

Johnny and Yosaku watched the cook walk off with concern. "Hey, is he gonna be alright?" Yosaku asked.

"Eh, we all miss Sanji, but Patty'll be fine. That shithead's been through worse," Carne shrugged indifferently before giving the pair a curious once-over. "I'm wondering more about you two, though. Paying for everyone's meals during one of our biggest lunch rushes all year? Are you sure you two didn't hit your heads or something?"

Johnny laughed as he shrugged indifferently. "Hey, we got lucky and managed to come by some cash, so why not spread the good fortune? 'Tis the season, don'tcha know!"

"Yeah!" Yosaku nodded firmly in agreement. "Our good fortune should be the good fortune of others, it's only right! Besides, we're not spending it _all,_ we have some set aside for the future! But for now, consider this a gift from us to everyone else here!"

Carne studied them for a moment longer before shrugging indifferently, albeit with an indulgent smile. "Eh, screw it, it's your money. Either way, Merry Christmas, and enjoy the food!"

As he strode back towards the kitchen, he couldn't help but think. ' _Still, that story of how they got that money... Guess this must be what people call a Christmas Miracle, huh? After all... what other word is there for a billion beris_ literally _falling out of the sky?'_

 **-o-**

"One one thousand~, two one thousand~, three one thousand~, four one thousand~..."

"Wow, Big Sis..." Chabo whistled as he observed the massive sum of cash that was weighing down Nojiko's table. "This is really somethin'... and you really think that they'll buy them again next year?"

"Not buy, Chabo, rent!" Nojiko swiftly corrected as she continued counting her cash. "The villagers are only _renting_ those tangerine trees, and if they want to rent them again next Christmas, then they'd _better_ return them unharmed the day after tomorrow!"

"So... wait..." Chabo trailed off as he tried counting on his fingers. "If you made this much money this year, and you're gonna make a lot more money next year, then in a few years..."

"I'm gonna be rich," Nojiko summarized primly as her eyes flashed beri signs. "Filthy, stinking, _rich."_

Chabo shuddered heavily as he inched away from the tangerine farmer. "You're your sister's sister alright, Big Sis..." he muttered nervously.

"And don't you forget it..." Nojiko sighed contentedly as she slowly fingered the cash. "Ah... it's official: there's _nothing_ more lovely than a Green Christmas... Now, where was I... Oh, right! Five one thousand~..."

 **-o-**

 _Knock knock!_

"Um... Captain Smoker, sir?"

"Tsk... Master Chief Petty Officer Tashigi, I am about to smoke and savor a genuine, hand-rolled cigar from Juventad. Unless Straw Hat Luffy and his crewmate Cross are on deck and offering their full surrenders, you had better be prepared to spend Christmas swabbing the deck. With _your_ toothbrush."

"Ah, well, you see sir, it's... it's the guy- I-I mean the men, sir! They're... doing it again, and seeing how we're out at sea I can't go to a bar or sword-shopping like I usually do and-!"

"Son of a... fine. Now where's the damn... there we go. All right, attention all hands. This is Captain Smoker speaking. As I'm forced to do every year by you _morons,_ I am officially giving an order: if I see so much as _one_ sprig of mistletoe anywhere onboard this ship, you'll all spend Christmas in the brig. Only this time, seeing how we're on a ship, you'll all have to share a cell. A situation which I imagine would be quite... uncomfortable. _Do I make myself clear?"_

The sound of scrambling boots suddenly echoed throughout the vessel.

"That's what I thought. Happy, Officer Tashigi?"

"Very. Thank you, sir, I'll go and enjoy dinner now."

"Good... Officer Tashigi."

"Yes sir?"

"..."

"Merry Christmas to you too sir!"

"Tsk..."

 **-o-**

"Woah!" Crocus swore as he waved his arms desperately in an attempt to maintain his balance. "Careful, Laboon! You almost threw me off again!"

"Bwoooh..." Laboon crooned apologetically. The island whale did his best to hold still, but wound up shaking with earthquake-esque laughter moments later.

Crocus grumbled darkly as he held onto the whale's epidermis. "Damn it, Laboon..." Moments later, he allowed himself to chuckle as well. "To think that I'd find out that the whale I've lived with so long is ticklish! Or that I'd ever be painting a whale red and white in the first place! Ah, Roger, your touch on my life is still present to this day..."

"Bwoooh?"

"Ah, nothing Laboon. Anyways, if you _have_ to make some noise, why not try a carol or two? Heaven knows we have reason to celebrate this year!"

"Bwooh bwooh bwooh, bwooh bwooh bwooh!"

"Jingle Bells, huh?" the old doctor laughed. "Well, I suppose it's better than nothing!"

 **-o-**

"Mr. 5, is this even remotely a good idea?" Miss Valentine hissed out of the corner of her mouth.

"Not in the slightest, Miss Valentine," Mr. 5 hissed back. "But at the moment, I don't see what other option we have! For now, let's just try and stay out of the-!"

SMASH! "SILENCE!"

The assassins choked in terror as they hastily clamped their hands over their mouths.

"Thank you, Mister Broggy," Miss Goldenweek hummed. "More tea?"

"Why yes, thank you, little human!" the blond giant hummed as he held his tiny cup out, which the human filled up.

"And you, Mister Dorry?"

"Oh no, I couldn't!" the relatively taller giant denied. "Still, thank you very much human. Though..." He tilted his head in confusion. "You do realize that we won't help you off this island just for tea, yes?"

"That doesn't matter to me in the least, Mister Dorry," Miss Goldenweek hummed as she sipped her tea. "What matters is that today is Christmas, and neither of you have properly celebrated it for the past century. And that's terrible. So for now, we will sit here, we will have tea, and we will be polite. Agreed?"

"Agreed!" Broggy announced, thumping his chest. "Even almighty Elbaf himself respects Christmas! So for now, we shall break and rest. Aye, Dorry?"

"Aye, Broggy! This respite shall make the subsequent duels of our continuing battle all the more glorious!"

"Perfect. Now then..." The diminutive human glanced over her shoulder at the Mr. 5 pair, her eyes flashing slightly as she did so. "More tea, you two?"

"YES PLEASE!" the two hastily replied as they held their cups out to her.

"That's what I thought."

 **-o-**

"HURRY UP, YOU SLOWPOKES! THE SUN'S ALMOST DOWN! IF WE'RE NOT READY BY THE TIME IT'S DARK, I'LL HAVE YOUR HIDES FOR FLAGS!"

"Have some patience, Doctor Kureha, we're almost done."

"Tsk..." Kureha scoffed as she sipped from the eggnog bottle she was clutching. "If you have time to talk, Dalton, then you have time to work. I'm seriously considering my threat."

The new president of the Sakura Kingdom shuddered at the idea of angering the nation's surgeon general, but forged on anyways. "That aside... Doctor, are you certain that this will work?"

"KAK KAK KAK!" Kureha cackled before jabbing her finger at Dalton. "Don't underestimate me, you big old ox! The quack's concoction was ingenious, true, but I am and always will be his superior! I can alter it however I damn well please. Hence... ARE YOU ALL READY OR WHAT!?"

"MA'AM YES MA'AM!"

"THEN FIRE!"

 _BOO-BOO-BOOM!_

A cascade of explosions rang out from the line of cannons arrayed in front of the castle, discharging the powder-payloads held within into the air.

Moments later, sounds of awe and applause echoed out from all around the kingdom below.

"Well I'll be damned..." Dalton breathed in awe.

"KAK KAK KAK KAK!" Kureha cackled as she took another pull from her bottle, basking beneath the cloud of green and red that covered the skies of the kingdom and formed the greatest Christmas Tree in existence. "And don't you forget it, brat!"

 **-o-**

In the doorway of the Rain Dinners Casino, two individuals of momentous influence faced off against one another.

On one side stood King Nefertari Cobra, rightful ruler of the kingdom of Alabasta and father of Princess Nefertari Vivi.

On the other side was General Kohza, childhood friend of Princess Vivi, leader of the Alabastan Rebellion, and unwitting pawn of the criminal organization known as Baroque Works.

For what felt like an eternity, the two stared each other dead in the eye, neither giving anything away to the other.

Finally, Cobra bowed his head with a sigh. "I don't suppose there's any point in me _once again_ saying...?"

Kohza snorted and shook his head. "I don't want to hear it, old man. Let's not ruin the holiday spirit."

Cobra pursed his lips and nodded in agreement. He then reached into his robes, causing Kohza to tense. The king affixed an affronted glare on the young man. "You might _think_ me a cruel man, Kohza, but the mere notion that I would attempt to assassinate you today of all days is legitimately _insulting._ Nevertheless, here." And with that, Cobra drew an object from his robes and tossed it to Kohza.

Kohza caught the object, and blinked in surprise as he looked it over. "Is... is this-?"

"Aged durian juice, yes," Cobra confirmed with a smile. "It's still your favorite, I trust?"

"Yeah, it is..." Kohza breathed in awe, before directing a hesitant smile at Cobra. "Well, looks like we think alike. I've got one of the last barrels of Yuba water inside. Come on." He gestured inside. "Shall we join the troops?"

Cobra smiled and nodded in return. "Indeed. Let the Christmas truce begin."

 **-o-**

"Are you certain that this course of action is wise, Mister Zero? What if they were to reconcile in some manner?"

"No worries, Miss All Sunday. The wounds we've inflicted between the fools above us run too deep. Let them celebrate for now. After all, this'll be the last Christmas many of them will live to see."

"Hmph. Very well then. Did you have any other reasons to call me here?"

"Indeed. Here, take this."

"Hm? A gift? Doesn't seem like you, Crocodile."

"Just open the damn present, Nico Robin."

"Fine, fine, very we-! Th-this is a textbook from-!"

"I had to hand over quite the pretty beri to that damn bastard Joker for it... but I suppose that we all must make exceptions at times. Merry Christmas, Nico Robin."

"...and to you as well, Crocodile."

 **-o-**

Laki made her way through the Shandoran camp, both swiftly and frantically, as she searched high and low for one of two people.

Finally, coming to the camp's central 'plaza', so to speak, she managed to catch sight of one of the two people she was looking for, though definitely _not_ the one she had hoped for.

Laki sighed in exasperation before marching up to the person in question. "Wiper."

"Laki," the famed berserker grunted, staring up at the central totem pole as he munched down on the contents of a small bag he was holding.

Laki hesitated slightly before groaning and deciding to bite the bullet. "Wiper, have you seen Aisa anywhere? I've been looking for her all over, but, well..."

"Yeah, I've seen her."

Laki's eye twitched in annoyance at the berserker's no doubt _deliberate_ brevity. " _Where_ is Aisa?"

Wiper was silent for a moment as he continued to eat before responding, his eyes never leaving the totem pole. "You'll be glad to know that I managed to find a replacement for the Christmas Star that was accidentally broken yesterday."

Laki allowed herself to grin teasingly at the warrior. "You mean the star that Genbo crushed when he sat on it?"

Wiper coughed slightly as some of whatever he was eating went down the wrong pipe before reasserting himself. "A-anyways... I-I managed to find a replacement. A good one too, in my opinion."

Laki frowned and huffed in exasperation. "That's great, but what does that have to do with anything?" She then tilted her head to follow his gaze. "And what are you looking at-!" Laki trailed off as she stared at the top of the totem pole. "Oh you son of a bitch."

Wiper shrugged indifferently as he swallowed another mouthful of whatever-it-was. "A little harsh, perhaps, but you have to admit, it works, right?"

"MMMMPH!" Aisa shrieked through her gag, struggling furiously against the ropes that were keeping her tied to the top of the totem pole.

" _Are you completely out of your mind, Wiper!?"_ Laki demanded incredulously.

Wiper hummed contemplatively before responding. "To be fair, she earned it."

"MMPH MMMPH!" Aisa roared in denial.

"How could she _possibly_ have earned that!?" Laki questioned pointedly.

Wiper shrugged carelessly. "She snuck out to Upper Yard to gather Vearth again, and on her way back through Angel Island, she was caught by one of the Skypieans. And instead of fighting to the death like a true warrior of Shandora, she instead accepted the bag of roasted almonds the 'Conis' girl gave her out of some misguided sentiment of pity."

"MMPH!"

Laki blinked in shock as she processed the explanation before rallying. "Nevertheless, that kind of reaction is not only cruel, but-!"

"Also, I'm pretty sure she's been using her Mantra to follow us around and puzzle out where we're hiding the presents."

Laki and Aisa both froze at that statement, with Laki snapping her gaze up to Aisa while the girl suddenly broke out in a cold sweat and refused to look her in the eyes, squirming furiously at the scrutiny.

A second later, Laki grinned cheekily. "Well, to be fair, you _are_ a very pretty angel, Aisa. Don't worry though, we'll let you down... eventually."

"MMMRGH!?"

"Enjoy!" Laki sang as she turned around and started to walk away... before freezing as a thought struck her. She looked over her shoulder and took in the bag Wiper was eating from. "...roasted almonds, huh?"

"Yup," Wiper grunted as he held up the sack in question. "Pretty good, I'll admit. Want some?"

"Don't mind if I do!"

" _MMMMMRGH!"_

 **-o-**

Foxy huffed and wheezed as he ran back into the kitchen, taking a moment to double over and catch his breath before making his way over to the pantry. "Hamburg! Get me three bags of cocoa dust! The South Blue party is starting to run out!"

"Sure thing, boss!" Hamburg huffed as he tossed a trio of canvas sacks at his captain. _Hard._

"YEEK! SLOW-SLOW BEAM!" Foxy shrieked in terror, hastily snapping out a ray of Slow-Slow particles and tagging the sacks before they could slam into him. "WATCH IT, DUMBASS!"

"Pupupu! Sorry Boss!"

"Yeah, well-!"

"Hamburg!"

Before Foxy could lay into his subordinate, he was interrupted by Porsche running in.

"Where's the eggnog? The Grand Liners are running out, and I heard whispers about raiding the West Blue party for it!"

"Oh, speaking of the West Blue-ers, how are the Jonga Brothers doing?" Foxy inquired.

"A little bit hesitant, but Itomimizu was doing his best to get them involved, and everyone else was nice and welcoming. I'm sure they'll get along fine."

"Ah, that's good," Foxy sighed in relief. "Those boys have been standoffish for the past month, I was actually starting to get worried."

"Yeah, well, they'll almost certainly be a lot more standoffish if their own crewmates raid their party for eggnog, _so where is it already!?"_ Porsche demanded hastily.

Hamburg pointed to an array of barrels next to her. "Third from the left."

Porsche eyed the large container miserably before casting a pleading look at her captain. "Captain Foxy, can't we _please_ get someone to help us with this? Pickles, maybe? Or Capote? Heck, I'll even take Big Pan at this point, and he's liable to eat everything!"

"Absolutely out of the question!" Foxy snarled as he crossed his arms in denial. "Our men work hard for me all year long! Today is about them and only them! We'll take care of their needs so that they can all get to relax! Now less jabbering, more-!" THWACK! "GAH!" CRASH!

"CAPTAIN!"

"PUPUPUPUPU! He forgot about the bags! PUPUPUPU!"

"DAMN IT, YOU MUSCLE-CLAD MORON, STOP LAUGHING AND HELP ME DIG HIM OUT ALREADY!"

"The things I do for this crew..." Foxy groaned out from beneath the mountain of supplies that had fallen on him.

 **-o-**

"So boss, I just want to confirm..." Paulie hummed as he chewed on his cigar. "Are you _really_ sure that it's such a good idea to leave Christmas to _Franky_ of all people? I mean, well..."

"I think what Paulie's trying to say, sir, is that in the end, it _is_ Franky," Kaku provided bluntly. "He can be quite the hooligan, so are you certain it's wise to leave the celebrations in his hands?"

"What they're trying to say is that they're worried that bastard'll just wreck everything!" Rob Lucci provided by way of his pigeon Hattori.

"Though it pains me to speak against you, Mister Mayor, I fear that for once they might be correct," Kalifa agreed as she primly adjusted her glasses.

"THE HELL DO YOU MEAN 'FOR ONCE', YOU SHAMELESS HARLOT!?" Paulie roared furiously as he jerked towards the secretary.

"I believe she's referring the incident when you stupidly bet three months' worth of pay on a yagara bull whose odds to win were two-hundred to one," Kaku explained with a sigh.

"THAT WASN'T MY FAULT, I HAD NO IDEA THAT ZAMBAI WAS LYING ABOUT THAT BULL!"

Rob Lucci shot a flat look at his coworker. Well... flat _ter_ , at any rate. "You had no idea... that Zambai... of the Franky Family... was lying to you."

Paulie opened his mouth to respond... and promptly shut it with an embarrassed snarl as he spun his stool to face the bar. "Where's that damn eggnog, Blueno!?"

"Here, here," the large horn-haired man laughed as he thunked a mug in front of the shipwright. "And don't worry, it's on the house. I could never make you all pay on Christmas!"

"We're much obliged, Blueno," Iceburg nodded at the bartender with a smile before addressing his employees. "And don't worry about Franky. I know he might be a brute most of the time, but if there's one time of the year he can put his... exuberant personality to good use, it's Christmas. Believe me, I'm sure everything will be fine."

Almost as if in response, a loud thunk echoed from the roof of the bar, followed by a _very_ familiar voice. "HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL! I REALIZE THAT I'M ALWAYS IN THE MOOD FOR THE HOLIDAYS, BUT THIS YEAR, I'M FEELIN' EVEN _JOLLY-AH!"_

"That one was weak, Franky!" Iceburg shouted upwards. "And either get that sleigh of yours to actually fly or drive it on the streets! Next year, _you'll_ be the one paying for retiling almost a hundred rooftops!"

"CRAM IT UP YOUR STOCKING, ICE-FOR-BRAINS!" Franky roared back, his voice being swiftly followed up by the sound of reins snapping and roof tiles crunching under the weight of yagara-bull treads.

"Well, there goes the weekend," Paulie groaned, slamming his forehead against the bar.

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Blueno spoke up eagerly. He reached beneath the bar and held out a gift-wrapped package to Rob Lucci. "Here you go, Lucci. I got you a present."

"Really now?" Lucci cocked an eyebrow as he took the gift. "What is it?"

"Open it and find out, genius!" Paulie scoffed as he stewed in his eggnog.

Lucci rolled his eyes at his coworker's frank tone before removing the wrapping paper, revealing a package of-

CRUNCH!

Iceburg blinked in surprise as the bar suddenly splintered beneath Lucci's fingers. "What's wrong Lucci?" The Mayor glanced over his employee's shoulder and blinked in surprise as he saw what he was holding. "Huh? Why would that upset you?"

"What is it, sir?" Kaku asked as he started to drink from his own mug, an action that Kalifa was performing at the same time.

"It appears to be a bag of catnip, but I don't-!"

"PFFFF!"

Iceburg and Paulie both jumped in surprise when Kaku and Kalifa suddenly jerked forwards, spraying their drinks back into their cups.

"What the hell is so funny!?" Paulie demanded incredulously, staring at his coworkers in disbelief.

Kaku's sole response was to shake his head furiously. He was unable to say anything else on account of how he was burying his face in the crook of one arm while the other pounded on the bar helplessly, his body shaking and shivering all the while.

Kalifa wasn't much better, only _just_ managing to stay on her stool as she fought to keep her hand clamped over the _massive_ smile she was sporting. "N-nothing, Paulie!" she managed to work out. "J-just a litt-tle in-joke i-is all!"

"I thought it would be... appropriate," Blueno offered cheekily, the statement causing Kalifa and Kaku to shiver anew.

Lucci glared daggers at his co-workers as he throttled the package. "Yes yes, laugh it up you hyenas. It's not _that-_ huh?" Lucci cut himself off in surprise as he noticed he was making his voice come out of empty air on account of his shoulder being devoid of life, avian or otherwise.

A quick glance downwards awarded him with an answer to the situation: Hattori was unavailable to act as his marionnette at the moment on account of how he was too busy flailing about on the floor of the bar, laughing his feathery white ass off.

Lucci glared at the pigeon for a moment longer before growling into his eggnog. "Traitors..."

 **-o-**

" _Bwooh bwooh bwooh, bwooh bwooh bwooh!"_

" _Yohohoho! Your rendition of jingle bells is spectacular, Laboon!"_

" _He's certainly better than you, Brook! You're always off key! Nuhahahaha!"_

" _With all due respect, captain, screw you! Yohoho-!"_

"Hohoho- _huh!?"_ Brook 'blinked' in shock as he jerked awake, snapping his sightless gaze around the deck of the Rumbar Pirates' second ship.

After a moment of fruitless staring, Brook groaned sadly and flopped back onto the deck, his limbs spread-eagled.

"Merry Christmas, Laboon..." Brook sighed melancholically as he watched the snow drift down over him. "It warms my heart to know that at least one of us is having one... even though I don't have a heart. Yo ho ho..."

 **-o-**

"COME ON YOU DAMN SLOWPOKES! MOVE YOUR ROTTING CARCASSES! DECK THE NORTH HALLS, FILL THE CUPS IN THE BALLROOM, DRAIN THE BARRELS! MOVE MOVE _MOVE!_ "

Absalom growled darkly as he sidestepped a band of zombies carrying a Christmas Tree between them all. "Why the hell do you bastards never move this fast for me!?" he demanded indignantly.

"You're nowhere near as scary as Mistress Perona!" another zombie replied as he dashed by, his arms loaded down with boughs of holly.

"WHAT!?" Absalom started to snarl, before he was swiftly drowned out.

" _WHAT!?"_ Perona shrieked furiously as she suddenly materialized in the poor undead's face.

"O-O-Only during this time of year though, Mistress Perona!" the zombie hastily hedged. "T-t-the rest of the year you're cute! H-hyper cute! Q-q-queen of cute!"

Perona's expression immediately shifted to her usual smile. "Much better." Aaaand then it was straight back to demonic. "NOW GET THE HELL BACK TO WORK BEFORE I TEAR YOU LIMB FROM FUCKING LIMB!"

"YES MISTRESS PERONA!" the zombie shrieked, swiftly taking to his heels.

"AND YOU!" Perona howled as she rounded on Absalom, causing him to instinctively take a hesitant step back. "WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING THE HOLIDAY SWEATER I MADE YOU!?"

Absalom sweated nervously at Perona's tone of voice before doing his best to rally. "I-I refuse to wear that mess of red and green yarn you have the _gall_ to call clothing! It is an _affront_ to attire everywhere! Plus, the wool makes me itch."

Perona's lips drew back into a snarl as she shoved her astral face in Absalom's snout. "You'll wear it and you'll like it, or else I swear on all that is cute and cuddly I will _make_ you wear it!"

"HA! You can't even make Kumacy stay silent! How the hell could you make _me-!?"_

" _HORROR HOLLOW!"_

One screaming, flailing, _eldritch_ mass of ectoplasm later, and Absalom was numbly stumbling down one of Thriller Bark's many corridors, clad in a garment only _slightly_ less demented-looking then the terror he'd been confronted with moments ago.

After a minute of aimless wandering, Absalom managed to run into Doctor Hogback... who was clad in an equally terror-inducing 'sweater'.

"Perona got you too, huh?" the medical genius deadpanned as he sipped from the mug of hot cocoa he was carrying.

"Why the hell do we put up with that little brat?" Absalom growled murderously as he picked at the mess of yarn over his torso.

"Because if she wanted to, Mistress Perona could pop your heads like bugs and you'd be able to do absolutely jack about it..." Kumacy huffed as he rolled a massive snowball past the two of them.

" _SHUT THE HELL UP, KUMACY!"_

Absalom and Hogback jumped as Perona's voice shrieked through the great manor's corridors.

"I thought she was back in the main hall," Hogback hissed.

Kumacy's response was to jab one of his hands upwards, indicating a Negative Hollow that the two members of the Mysterious Four hadn't noticed until then.

The Invisible Man and the Mad Doctor exchanged panicked looks before hastily digging flasks out of their pockets and draining them as swiftly as they could.

Meanwhile, up in the manor's master bedroom, Gecko Moria was lounging on his Warlord-sized bed without a care in the world, grinning widely as he listened to his abode's holiday hustle and bustle.

"HANG THOSE STOCKINGS! DECORATE THOSE TREES! SCULPT THAT SNOW! HURRY THE HELL UP YOU JACKASSES! I SWEAR, IF THIS ISLAND ISN'T FULLY HOLLY-JOLLY BY SUNDOWN, HEADS ARE GOING TO FUCKING ROLL! _AND I MEAN THAT GODDAMN LITERALLY!"_

"Merry Christmas to you too, Perona!" Moriah chuckled as he picked up a giant candy cane and started crushing it between his teeth. "MERRY CHRISTMAS! KISHISHISHISHI!"

 **-o-**

"Here's the next batch of octopus, Hachi!" Keimi called as she popped her torso out of the waves, hefting the net she was lugging up into the Takoyaki 8's kitchen.

"Thanks Kaimie!" Hachi smiled as he used one of his arms to unravel the net, his other five a blur of motion over the grill. "The holiday rush is great, and I'm almost out of-!" Hachi froze as he actually _saw_ what was in the net. "THESE AREN'T OCTOPI, THEY'RE SQUID!"

"OH CRAP!" Keimi shrieked fearfully. "I JUST GRABBED THE FIRST SLIMY LONG-LIMBED THINGS I COULD SEE!"

"HOW THE HELL COULD YOU MAKE THAT KIND OF MISTAKE!?" Pappug demanded incredulously from where he was handling the stand's money.

"I'M SORRY!"

"It's alright, it's alright!" Hachi hastily reassured her. "I'll just use it as a substitute and offer some dried squid! I'm sure our customers will still love it! Here's hoping that Ikaros doesn't hear about this though, hoo boy..."

"Ah, Hachi, speaking of the customers!" Pappug hastily interjected. "Are you _sure_ you want the prices to be so low? I mean, holiday spirit and all I get, but if we _just_ had everything at at least _half_ price-!"

"It's not about the money, Pappug," Hatchan explained patiently as he got to work spearing the squids. "It's about-"

"Making our customers happy during the happiest time of the year, I know, I know," Pappug sighed, smiling fondly nonetheless as he got back to work.

"Then let's get to it!" Hachi nodded enthusiastically before smiling towards his customers and holding out a stick of takoyaki. "Order up! And please, enjoy the holidays! Next please!"

 **-o-**

"Give it up, Old Man, you can't beat me!" Ace laughed as he knocked back his mug. "I'm a lean, mean, drinking machine!"

"Gurararara!" Whitebeard laughed back as he chugged the barrel he was holding. "Speak for yourself, brat! Youth means shit before experience!"

"Psh!" Ace scoffed as he waved his hand, only just managing to stay stable on the barrel he was sitting on. "Maybe so, but I've got a _distinct_ advantage! I can _literally_ burn the alcohol out of my system, gramps! I can keep this up all! Day! Lo-!" Without warning, Ace fell backwards off his barrel, snoring at the top of his lungs.

"GURARARARA!" Whitebeard cackled as he toasted his barrel at his crew. "Well, that's one down, who's next? Come on, the night's still young! By the time we're done, we're going to make the Redhair Brats' hangovers look like migraines by comparison! WHO'S WITH ME!?"

"AYE-AYE, POPS!"

"GURARARARA!"

 **-o-**

"AHCHOO!" Shanks sneezed violently, groaning as he swiftly wiped his nose before going back to rubbing his head. "Damn it... of all the times for people to be talking about me..."

"You do give people a lot of reasons to talk, chore boy."

"Bite me, Old Man Raleigh..." Shanks grumbled as he examined the items laid out before him.

Silvers Raleigh shrugged indifferently, grinning as he drank from the bottle he was holding.

"Eurgh, anyways..." The red-haired Emperor turned his attention back to the bottles laid out before him. "Hey, Ben! Just to be clear, the wine's going to Mihawk, the rum is going to Kaidou-"

"No, the _sake_ is going to Kaidou," Ben Beckmann corrected boredly as he polished his rifle. "The rum is for Whitebeard, the soda is for Big Mom, and the whiskey is for Garp."

"Ah, right, right... and this clear bottle..." Shanks held up the container in question and swirled it in front of his eyes. "Nitroglycerine, right?"

"At least you didn't mistake it for vodka..." Ben huffed.

Raleigh gave his old subordinate a bemused look. "Who the hell are you sending nitroglycerine to?"

"The Five Elder Stars."

"...excuse me?"

Shanks' grin went from ear to ear. "Well, it's not Christmas without a good gag-gift, is it?"

Raleigh stared at Shanks flatly for a moment before slowly opening his mouth.

"For the last time, Old Man, I'm 100% _positive_ that I'm not a D!"

"Psh. Could have fooled me."

 **-o-**

Hack cocked an eyebrow as he looked down on Sabo's prone form, calmly inspecting the black eye that was swiftly developing upon his faithful student's partner in revolution. "And what have we learned about trying to set up mistletoe along Koala's usual route to the sparring ring?"

"Getting caught is liable to be very painful?" Sabo groaned.

"Atta boy."

Dragon glanced down at his Chief of Staff as he passed by him, stopping long enough to shoot him a cheeky grin. "The winds of fate can often be violent and turbulent, Sabo, but even should you fail to grasp them, never fear to try again when next they blow."

"Translation, sir?"

"Better luck next year."

"Understood sir..."

 **-o-**

Within the holding pen he shared with his sibling, Proto-Drake No. 1, colloquially known as 'Big Red' by most others who weren't his creator, was slumbering peacefully, his titanic mass rising and falling in time with his breaths and earth-rumbling snoring. It had been a long week of testing, and the great beast was grateful for the respite it was being granted.

Suddenly, its slumber was interrupted by something large slamming into the ground next to him, followed by a most _mouthwatering_ smell hitting his nostrils.

Cracking his eyelids open, Big Red immediately snapped his head up eagerly as he managed to catch sight of a most _welcome_ sight: meat. A titanic _slab_ of meat, almost as big as he was, just lying there, ripe for the taking.

Lumbering to his feet, Big Red immediately lurched himself onto the lightly-cooked flesh and started to rip into it, managing to swallow several mouthfuls of flesh-

"GWOWOWO!"

SLAM!

"GWOOOOH!"

Before he was suddenly knocked onto his side by an all-too-familiar impact.

Snorting furiously, Big Red heaved himself back upright and glared at the perpetrator of the attack: his younger brother, Proto-Drake No. 2, A.K.A. 'Little Green'.

The relatively diminutive dragon was snorting and snuffling eagerly as he eyed his elder sibling, dancing back and forth on his prize as he awaited the retaliation he _knew_ was coming.

Big Red didn't disappoint. Roaring out a challenge, the titanic lizard lunged forwards and swiped his claws at his sibling. The nimble being managed to flap over the projected strike...

SLAM!

"GWOWOH!"

But had less luck with the tail that came out of nowhere, bouncing him off the pen's wall.

Still, despite the force of the impact, Little Green was back up in moments, zipping towards Big Red and slamming into him with more force than a being his size had the right to muster.

The bout went on for several minutes more, the dragons exchanging titanic blow after titanic blow, with neither giving nor gaining any ground or quarter.

Finally though, once the siblings had both gotten their licks in and worked off their excess energy, they both sat down and got back to enjoying their impromptu meal. Despite the occasional bat or swipe, the two dragons were content to enjoy both the feast before them as well as each other's company.

Outside the pen, a man shrouded in shadows smiled lightly at the display before turning on his heel and striding back into the corridors of Punk Hazard. The day was young, and he had many more experiments to temporarily put on hold.

After all, Vegapunk thought to himself, it would not do to focus on work on Christmas. Oh no, it would simply not do at all.

 **-o-**

The mood amongst the gladiators of the Corrida Colosseum was substantially subdued as the fighters slowly made their way back to their cells after training. It might have been Christmas for the rest of the kingdom, and Donquixote might be taking care of their families during the holidays, but the holiday cheer could do little to help lighten the mood.

While Doflamingo lavished the kingdom outside with gifts and festivities, his actions towards the gladiators were... paltry, to say the least. The food in their meals was actually _fresh_ , sure... but in all honesty, the quality of the ingredients did little to improve the taste of the gruel.

As such, the gladiator's expectations were _beyond_ exceeded when they found a veritable cornucopia of gifts awaiting them in their cells.

New and vintage pieces of armor, quality weapons designed to last for countless battles, blankets and clothing aplenty to help them through the cold nights, all these needs and more were met by the presents that were individually addressed to them by name.

For a few minutes, the gladiators were... leery, to say the least. Who was to say that these 'gifts' weren't tricks from Doflamingo? That they weren't boobytrapped or destined to be yanked away from them at critical moments or bait with which to bring down punishment upon them?

Thankfully, those worries were soon dispelled by Rebecca noticing a small card attached to one of the cell's bars.

" _To: the Gladiators of Corrida Colosseum._

 _From: Santa's Little Helpers."_

For a few moments, the gladiators were silent as they processed the information.

Then, for the first time in a _very_ long time, they started to well and truly celebrate the holiday with gusto.

 **-o-**

I hummed a few offkey bars of a medley of Christmas carols as I leaned on Merry's railing.

It had been _quite_ the day for our crew. Some bits of it were familiar enough, stringing up decorations, cooking holiday meals like eggnog and such...

Other events, however, were far more indicative of our crew. Nami giving Sanji a black eye for almost accidentally getting her and Vivi beneath some mistletoe had been one. I myself had had a more... enjoyable experience when I managed to take Carue's place when Vivi almost ran into him. It was just on the cheek, but still, it was the thought that counted.

In the end, it was plain and clear to see that the holiday spirit was alive and well on the Going Merry. We were all laughing, we were all having a good time, and the party that was being thrown in the kitchen was at full swing.

This fact was made especially evident when the door creaked open behind me, disgorging a wave of sound and laughter.

"Hey Cross!" Nami laughed as she walked up behind me. "Are you going to come in or what? Sanji's eggnog is... whoo!" She laughed as she shakily supported herself against the railing. "It's actually pretty damn strong! And Soundbite's actually pretty good at singing when he skips past all the dirty limericks!"

I chuckled slightly at her antics before waving her off. "Yeah yeah, don't worry, I'll be along in a bit. I'm just..." I gestured upwards at the stars. "Enjoying the view."

Nami giggled drunkenly as she nodded in acceptance. "Fair enough, Commie!" She plopped a red and white hat down on top of my head and started to make her way back to the kitchen. "Merry Christmas, Cross!"

"Merry Christmas, matey," I shot back with a backwards wave.

Once the door shut, I stared up at the stars contemplatively, my mind a million miles off.

To think... that at this moment, in this world, _across_ this world, Christmas was being celebrated. A holiday I'd never truly expected to see again. A holiday from my _home..._

I couldn't help but smile fondly at the thought. Something so familiar, so _normal,_ appearing in this world just like that. Truly the Blue Seas never ceased to amaze.

I wondered... just how many other things were similar? How many other aspects from there could be found here? Where did they start, and where did they end?

Truly a momentous question. Still though... in the end, did it really matt-

"HO HO HO!"

I snapped my head up at the sound that echoed over the seas, raking the night sky for signs of... well, _anything_ really.

A shadow flitting across the moon, a trail of sparkles in the sky... and then nothing.

I blinked numbly as I tried, _tried_ to process what I'd seen. Was that actually-? Was it even _possible-?_

Finally, I turned on my heel and numbly marched towards the kitchen, shouldering my way inside.

I ignored everything around me as I beelined straight for the nearest bottle of alcohol, snatching it up and upending it, draining the liquid held within in a single, swift sitting.

Once that task was accomplished, I flung the bottle aside, climbed upon the table and threw my arms out wide.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!" I bellowed, the alcohol slurring my voice. "AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

And with that, I fell backwards and plunged once more into the abyss, a goofy grin proudly displayed on my face.

 **-FIN-**

 **Xomniac A.N. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from the creative forces of This Bites!, and good fortune to you and your families!**

 **CV12Hornet A.N. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.**


	16. Chapter 15 - Alabasta Pt 1

**Chapter 15**

THWACK!

" _GAH!"_ I grunted as I was bodily flung back into the Merry's railing. "Son of a..." I groaned as I made massage my aching back before hastily flinging my hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay, I give! Christ on a pikestaff, the purpose of this exercise is to train me, _not freaking break me!"_

"Some people might consider those two objectives to be one and the same," Zoro grinned as he advanced on me menacingly, his (thankfully, _blessedly_ ) sheathed blades held at his sides. "I just so happen to be one of those people."

" _I beg to differ!"_ I squawked desperately as I scrambled to wrench myself up to my feet.

"WOO! _Go_ **Zoro!** _**RIP HIS PUNY HEAD OFF!"**_

"SHOVE IT, SOUNDBITE!" I roared at the Baby Transponder Snail that was resting on a nearby barrel. "I don't see _you_ going through these exercises! Or _any_ exercise for that matter!" My expression turned thoughtful, and then predatory as a thought occurred to me. "Let's see about changing that."

The beads of sweat that immediately popped up on Soundbite's shell were quite gratifying.

"Hey, Zoro, do you mind if we call it a day?" I said to the swordsman. "I'd like to talk Devil Fruit theory with Luffy and Chopper."

Zoro's snort caused Soundbite to breath a sigh of relief. "You're not gonna get out of this that easily, Cross."

"The hell he isn't!"

I sagged in relief as our latest crewmate interposed himself between me and my 'teacher'. "Cross's flesh might have been fully adapted thanks to both his diet and Doctorine's medicine," Chopper lectured firmly. "But his skeletal structure is another matter entirely! If you push him much further, then you're liable to _really_ break him!"

"And if what Chopper's been saying is right, that means at least another month before you can go back to tormenting him!" Usopp added gleefully from where he was tinkering on the deck.

"He's right, he's right!" I nodded frantically as I jabbed my finger at Chopper. "One month, that's how long it takes for soft, squishy, _me-like_ humans to heal bone-breaks! You wouldn't want that to happen, would you?"

Zoro hummed slightly as he considered the facts. "Hey Chopper... when bones heal, the break becomes tougher, doesn't it?"

Somehow, both a red hue of rage and a blue hue of horror shined through Chopper's fur as he grimaced at the swordsman. "There are _so_ many things wrong with what you're thinking, I don't even _know_ where to start."

"I'd like to reiterate my intense desire to _not_ get snapped like a twig!" I piped up frantically.

Zoro ground his teeth in aggravation for a moment before snorting and re-sheathing his swords in his haramaki. "Tch, wimp. Fine, take a break. I'll just come at you harder in a few hours, both in our spars _and_ in exercise."

I allowed myself to collapse to the deck in relief. "Oh thank you sweet merciful heaven..." I wheezed, my fatigue _finally_ hitting me head-on.

"Wimp," Zoro repeated, rolling his eyes as he picked up one of his _stupidly_ huge weights and started on his own, _complete_ inhuman routine.

"Jackass..." I growled back, making to sit up before a firm hoof was pressed into my shoulder.

"No moving until I've given you a once-over," Chopper ordered firmly before directing his attention to my arms. "Now help me get these things off of you."

"Oh, yeah..." Usopp mused as he eyed me curiously. "I've been meaning to ask: how're they treating you, anyways?"

I followed the pair's gazes and allowed myself a confident smirk as I caught sight of what he was addressing: affixed upon my forearms were a pair of metal gauntlets that incorporated vambraces and couters, essentially twin masses of metal that reached up my arms until they enclosed my elbows. Furthermore, I had another pair of armor pieces affixed to my lower legs: greaves with sabatons and poleyns attached, designed to fully protect my feet, shins and knees from most damage.

"I'd say they're working pretty well, Usopp." I nodded confidently as I rolled my shoulder and flexed my fingers. It was quite impressive: while the armor _did_ weigh a fair bit, it wasn't enough to be a problem, and more importantly was flexible enough at the joints to impair not my full mobility. "You _really_ managed to outdo yourself."

"Hmph!" Usopp sniffed confidently with a grin of pride. "Of course I did! I constantly continue to surprise all around myself with my impressive skills, even me!"

"Okay, tone it down a bit, DiCaprio," I drawled, rolling my eyes with a chuckle.

Usopp blinked owlishly. "Who?"

" _Gentlemen, you had my curiosity, but now you have my attention,"_ Soundbite drawled back in a southern accent before breaking down into giggles. "GREAT _actor,_ **very DRAMATIC!"**

"Oh bi- _grgh you little-!"_ the sniper snarled furiously.

"Heh, yeah, hard to get used to not saying it, isn't it?" I chuckled as I scratched the back of my head.

"Hey, watch it!" Chopper hollered as he snatched my arm back. "No moving until I'm done! Now let me... ergh... just..." Chopper struggled fruitlessly at wrenching my gauntlet off before grinning at me sheepishly. "A little help?"

"Umm... yeah, one second..." I slowly moved my other arm and fiddled with the armor covering my elbow, flipping open a hidden panel and twisting the metal _just_ so. As a result, a series of clicks came from the armor, and the second-skin of metal I was wearing flexed outwards at the seams, allowing me to slide my arm out. "It's about the same around my knees, too."

"Seems complicated..." Chopper muttered as he looked my hand over.

"Thank you!" Usopp preened.

"The harder it is for people to get my armor off, the less likely it is my enemies will get it off should I be incapacitated," I explained matter-of-factly. "Besides, I can take it off without help, so it's not _that_ complicated."

"Well, if you say so..." Chopper hummed as he prodded my arm, drawing a wince of pain from me.

"Watch it!" I demanded.

"Hmm..." the young doctor nodded definitively. "Well, it looks like you're pretty intact, all things considered. You have a few minor stress fractures in your radius and ulna, as I suspected, and I expect your tibia and fibula will be in about the same condition. Still, I guess it could be worse. So long as you don't stress them too much for awhile, you should be healed in a few hours."

I blinked in surprise as I flexed my fingers contemplatively. "Wait... seriously? You're going to let me off with simple fractures without doing anything?"

"Huh?" Chopper blinked in confusion. "Yeah, of course. Fractures are dangerous if they're aggravated too seriously, but so long as they don't develop into full-blown breaks, you should be fine." He cocked his eyebrow in confusion. "Why? How serious are they normally for you?"

"Umm..." I wiggled my fingers contemplatively. "I... I'm pretty sure that they'd have me decked out in casts back home."

"Seriously!?" Chopper squawked in disbelief. "B-but I'd expect that kind of a healing rate from someone with an immune deficiency! Or some kind of brittle-bone disease!" The young doctor started looking me over analytically. "Actually... now that I think about it... maybe _that_ explains why your body was so weak when I was helping Doctorine treat you... auto-immune diseases and other afflictions laid so deep into your species' DNA that they've become the norm, maybe?"

I felt a chill run down my spine as I noticed the _very_ disturbing shine in Chopper's eyes. "Yeah... maybe..." I hedged as I tried to remove my arm from Chopper's hooves. An endeavor I was forced to redouble as he clutched my limb in a deathgrip. "Hey, here's a thought: let's _not_ dissect me for the answers and say that we did, alright?"

"H-huh?" Chopper blinked before starting as I finally managed to wrench my arm free. "O-oh, _oh!_ Right, s-sorry about that, heheh..."

"Yeah..." I trailed off as I eyed the reindeer warily. "Anyways... overall prognosis?"

"Well..." Chopper rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Your new fighting style is very taxing on your body, but that might just be Zoro putting more punishment on you than any normal person would go through. I'm fairly certain that with your body's rate of adaptation, you should be fine in a matter of days. But seriously, for now, _don't_ push yourself too far. Fractures aren't too serious, but if the bones break, then you _will_ need casts to keep your bones in place."

"Got it, thanks," I nodded firmly. "It's nice to know that I won't be literally battering my body to pieces."

"Yeah, about that..." Zoro huffed as he swung his weights back and forth. "Are you _really_ sure that's how you want to fight? Brawling, despite being weaker than pretty much everyone around? Why not use an _actual_ weapon, like a gun or something?"

"Because!" I jabbed my finger at him. "Guns need time, training and discipline to learn how to properly handle them, and if they're mishandled, then they're as much a danger to the wielder as they are to the wielder's enemies. The same can be said of any other weapon, and neither time nor discipline is available to master them. Brawling is different in that it's easy and immediate and anybody can learn it. The basic idea is simple enough: hit the enemy, don't let them hit you, and use every last dirty trick in the book you can muster. These," I held up my gauntlet for him to see. "Are designed to give me an advantage, so as to counter my disadvantage."

It wasn't a perfect solution, I knew that, but it was the best one I had available to me. I couldn't swing a sword in a way that wasn't an embarrassment to the weapon, I couldn't shoot a gun well enough to hit the broad side of a barn, and I couldn't wield any other weapon worth a damn. But if there was one thing I knew, without a doubt, that I could do, then it was throw a punch. And heck, even if my punches were weak, then at least I could compensate by fighting dirtier than a hog in a mud pit. The armor was just there so that whatever I pulled, it would be certain to _stick._

"Besides," I continued with an indifferent shrug. "In the end, this is all meant as a last resort. With Soundbite's powers and my brains, the only way I'll get into a fight is if something goes seriously wrong. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, right?"

"Hmph..." Zoro snorted dismissively. "Well, you're not the strongest fighter, that's for sure, but you're definitely better than some people I've seen. You should be up to speed by the time we reach Alabasta."

"Glad to hear it..." I sighed in relief.

"Now then..." The swordsman cast a glare at me. "I thought you were going to talk about Devil Fruit powers, or was that just an excuse to squirm out of training?"

I shivered heavily at the implications before snapping a look at Soundbite. "Get Luffy up here, _now!"_

Soundbite chuckled as he produced an electronic whine...

WHAM! "AND STAY OUT YOU RUBBERY BASTARD!"

Before immediately cutting himself off as Luffy was launched straight out of the Merry's kitchen - er, galley - and almost overboard, only just managing to catch himself on the Merry's figurehead at the last moment.

"Wow, Sanji's pissed!" Luffy laughed. "Oh, and I'm alive! That's nice! So, whatcha guys doin'?"

I blinked numbly as I tried to process Luffy's motormouth before finally smiling back. "I was just about to call you. I wanted to talk with you, Chopper and Soundbite about your Devil Fruits. And don't worry!" I hastily raised my hands when Luffy grimaced sourly. "I'm not gonna give you any spoilers, I swear. I just... want to set you guys on the right path to making yourselves stronger, alright?"

Luffy mulled the statement over fretfully for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Eh, fair enough. Just be careful."

"Alright then..." I nodded slowly as I considered my words before looking between the three Devil Fruit users present. "Okay, here's what I want to know: out of the three of you present, which of you do you think is getting the _most_ they possibly can out of their Devil Fruit?"

Luffy, Chopper and Soundbite blinked in confusion. "Huh?" they chorused.

"You heard me," I said. "Who's exploiting their Devil Fruit to the fullest, using and pushing their powers to the utmost limits?"

The trio glanced at one another in confusion before tilting their heads thoughtfully.

"WEEELL..." Soundbite mused. " _Not to toot my own horn,_ **but I think** _THAT'S ME!"_

"I... think Soundbite might be right," Chopper nodded hesitantly. "I mean, translating for animals, speaking himself, and all that despite originally being an animal. No offense Luffy, but that sounds more like what Cross is talking about to me."

"Yeah, what he said," Luffy nodded in agreement as he pointed at Chopper. "I use my powers to help my strength, that's all. Soundbite's a lot better with his."

"Hmm... interesting answers..." I nodded before crossing my arms in front of me. "But also wrong!"

" _ **WHAT!?"**_ Soundbite hollered in disbelief.

"Seriously?" Luffy blinked in surprise.

"T-then who-?" Chopper asked in confusion.

"That's easy!" I grinned at the reindeer. "You!"

"M-ME!?" Chopper squawked in disbelief.

" _Him!?"_ Luffy and Soundbite chorused.

"B-b-but Cross!" Chopper flailed frantically. "I-I don't exploit my powers _at all!_ I-in fact, I _can't!_ I mean, I'm a _Zoan!_ Our powers are hard-lined, we can only trans...form... into..." the doctor slowly trailed off as his eyes widened in realization.

" _Most_ Zoans can only transform into three different forms, yes," I nodded slowly in agreement. "But you, Chopper, managed to _break_ that rule. You exploited your powers from the second you created the Rumble Balls because you found a way to _delineate them._ Let me ask you all a question." I glanced at everyone present. "Do you know what's the most dangerous part of a Devil Fruit user, what it is that makes them so much more dangerous? _Beyond_ dangerous even?"

"Uhh... their powers?" Usopp posed, though he obviously wasn't confident in his answer.

"Powers, duh!" Luffy concurred.

" **DITTO!"** Soundbite nodded in agreement.

"Um..." Chopper tapped his chin thoughtfully before raising his hoof. "The variety of powers available?"

"The user," Zoro huffed absent-mindedly with a swing of his weights.

I pointed at the swordsman. "The swordsman is the closest. In my opinion, the most dangerous part of a Devil Fruit is the rules of their powers."

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion. "I didn't know that Devil Fruit powers have rules!"

"That's the thing!" I waved my arms and nodded in agreement. " _So few powers do!_ Many many _many_ Devil Fruit powers _have no rules_ on them, no restrictions on how they work, no _limits._ They can be exploited any number of ways, and no one and nothing can say otherwise. It all depends on how the _user_ thinks of how to exploit them. From there, the _only_ limit is that what the user tries to achieve is within the bounds of his powers, and even then what they achieve can only be tangentially related to their... powers..."

I trailed off as I caught sight of the dumbfounded and confused looks the others were giving me. "Alright..." I sighed as I kneaded the bridge of my nose. "Let me give you an example. Imagine a fruit known as the Blind Blind Fruit. When somebody eats it, they become a Blind person, capable of stealing a sense from anybody with a single touch. Tell me: what senses could that person steal?"

"Um..." Usopp started counting down on his fingers. "Taste, touch, smell, hearing and sight. Right?"

"That's all? Really?" I tilted my head innocently.

"Uh... yeah?"

I was silent as I just stared at Usopp, seconds ticking by.

Finally, Usopp broke the silence. "Uh, Cross?"

"How long was I silent, Usopp?" I asked him.

"Huh? Uh... ten, twelve seconds I think? Why? What does that-?"

"Sounds like your sense of time is right on track," I interrupted him.

"H-huh? Yeah, I guess it is, so wha-!" Usopp cut himself off as a look of realization and horror swept over his face. "W-wait, you can't mean-!"

Before Usopp could finish speaking, I reached over to Chopper and flicked his nose.

"OW!" the young reindeer yelped, clamping his hooves down on his muzzle. "WATCH IT!"

"And it would appear that Chopper's sense of pain is working pretty well," I mused.

Chopper immediately froze. "No way... you can't mean-!"

"Hey Zoro, which way do you think is north?" I didn't give the swordsman the time to respond. "Never mind, I forgot that your sense of direction isn't exactly the best."

Zoro was too busy looking green with horror to respond.

I spread my arms wide as I started to pace around the forecastle. "Sense of pain, sense of hunger, sense of balance, sense of proprioception - aka _hand-eye coordination -_ sense of fashion... and what of your sense of morality? Your sense of _thought?_ Of self? Of _independence?"_ I looked at them all slowly. "Can you imagine the consequences of losing a single one? For so much as a moment?"

The silence was absolutely deafening.

I shook my head firmly. "Devil Fruits give powers based around a word. From there, their users can exploit that word to the utmost, pushing it to its limit, and finding copious ways to exploit them. The stupid and ineffective users, they'd do like Usopp did: they'd focus on the _obvious_ effect, the _obvious_ usage of their powers. Now, that might cut it for users out in the Blue Seas... but the ones here, here in the Grand Line?" I jabbed my finger out to sea. "They're the dangerous ones. The strong ones. The _smart_ ones. They're the ones who embrace _every_ aspect of their words and use them to the utmost. They take the words 'paw', 'string', 'love' and 'sand'..." I looked Luffy dead in the eye. "And they use those words to maintain their positions as _Warlords."_

Luffy swallowed heavily, but, thankfully enough, he didn't get angry.

I nodded slowly before looking between our resident Devil Fruit users. "If we want to survive on this sea... if we want to make it through our upcoming battles alive... then you guys have only one option: _jailbreak_ your powers. Exploit them to the utmost, and use them in ways that surpass the logical. Beyond mere stretching, beyond mere creative usage of ventriloquism. Beyond even transcending the form-limit. Either you go higher and farther than most could... or the journey ahead will be that much more painful. Got it?"

I winced slightly as the guys nodded morosely.

"Look, sorry for getting all depressing like that, but the fact is that these things _are_ serious. I just don't want our asses to get kicked any harder than they need to be. And besides, you don't need to come up with anything _now,_ just... think about it, alright?"

For a moment, there was silence aside from the wind, waves, and the creaking of the ship. And then Soundbite spoke up.

"I HAVE _an idea._ "

I snapped my gaze over to where he was sitting in disbelief. "Ex _-cuse me?"_

Soundbite rolled his eyes in exasperation before repeating himself. " _ **I.**_ HAVE. _AN IDEA!"_

"Oh, that's cool," Luffy nodded obliviously.

"Why does that not fill me with confidence?" Usopp groaned to himself.

Chopper's reaction, meanwhile...

"What is it, what is it?" he squealed eagerly, stars glimmering in his eyes.

Soundbite's response was to grin eagerly at me. " _ **I'LL SHOW YOU!**_ PICK ME _UP! We're fighting_ **ZORO** **again!"**

"EXCUSE ME!?" I yelped again in disbelief.

"Sounds good to me," Zoro grinned menacingly as he set his weights back down, drawing Kitetsu III and Yubashiri from his side. "Armor up, Cross. Or don't, I could care less."

Moving fast, I hastily snatched up my loose gauntlet and shoved my arm back in, twisting it _just_ so and causing it all to snap back into place. I then made to pick up Soundbite, but hesitated as I did so. "You sure about this?"

Soundbite nodded firmly. "I'M NOT _SITTING ON_ _ **THE SIDELINES! Let's get ready to rumble!"**_

"Well, if you say so..." I sighed as I picked him up and placed him on my shoulder before turning to face Zoro.

"GREAT! _Now put on_ **your headphones!"**

I looked at Soundbite in disbelief. "At risk of wearing the words out, _excuse me?"_

" **JUST DO IT!"** Soundbite barked.

I grumbled darkly for a second before conceding and sliding the devices over my ears. I then blinked in confusion as music started filtering through them before casting a look at Soundbite. "I _really_ doubt that a theme music power-up will work, and even if it _did,_ I'm _pretty_ sure that there are better choices then 'Panic! At The Disco'."

"SHUT UP _and fight!"_ Soundbite snarled over the music.

Rolling my eyes in exasperation, I held up my fists and nodded at Zoro.

The swordsman grinned and started to come at me, but just as he started to set his foot forwards, he stopped and blinked in confusion, apparently tilting his head to listen to _something._ Whatever it was, I couldn't hear it on account of Soundbite drowning it out. In the end, if the glare he gave Soundbite was anything to go by, he blamed the snail for it, ultimately dismissing it and continuing to stalk forwards.

I frowned. Whatever Soundbite was doing, it didn't seem to be having much of an- OHSHITDUCK!

I just barely managed to duck under the aggravatingly lazy swing Zoro sent my way. Or at least, a swing that _looked_ like it was lazy. I'd fallen for that trick before, and he'd almost snapped my arm for it.

Still, making use of the angle of my dodge, I lunged forwards at the swordsman, swinging my fist up at his face. I winced as he blocked the blow with Kitetsu's sheath, but I hastily rallied by trying to grab the cover and launch my knee into his side.

SLAM!

I wheezed in pain as Yubashiri's sheath came out of nowhere and rammed into my side. My breath whooshed out of me, and I could feel my ribs creak under the lacquered wood. Nevertheless, I fought through the pain and lunged forwards at the swordsman, grabbing his collar with my free hand and launching my forehead forwards. It was an act of desperation, but-!

CRUNCH!

I blinked in equal parts pain and shock as I felt my head make contact. _I'd actually managed to headbutt him!?_

Stumbling back from Zoro as I rubbed my throbbing skull, I took in the display in disbelief. Indeed, the swordsman was clutching his nose in pain, grimacing as blood flowed around his fingers.

How the _hell_ had I managed to do _that!?_ I hadn't even managed to lay so much as a finger on him before, so what the hell was the difference now!?

I had no time to think about that as Zoro lurched forward. Yes, lurched. Had it been anyone else I'd have assumed he'd been hitting the grog before this fight, but his inhuman alcohol tolerance made it unlikely. Still, as unsteady as he was, his steady advance, punctuated by a series of jabs from his sheathed swords, was almost more than I could handle. In fact, it _was_ more than I could handle: I took hits to the sternum, right shoulder, and left thigh before he stumbled on apparently nothing and fell to his knees.

I frowned as he struggled to get to his feet, then grinned. Well, whatever was going on, Zoro couldn't do much unable to stand. I stepped forward, swinging my leg to give him a nice kick to the head and-

Wait, when did the deck and the sky switch places?

...oh shi-

SLAM!

"...ow..." I wheezed miserably as I lay upside down on the deck, my ass hanging heavy over my head. I winced as I slowly worked my headphones off of my aching ears. "Well _that_ didn't work..."

" _User error,_ **not my fault!"** Soundbite defended hastily from within his shell.

"What the _hell_ did your damn snail do anyways?!" Zoro snarled as he leaned against the nearest railing he could grab, shaking his head tiredly. "Ergh, haven't felt this way since my last hangover..."

"Yea- _woah!"_ I cursed vehemently as I righted myself, coming way too close to tumbling for answers. "What _did_ you-?"

"Ooooorgh..."

"Huh?" I blinked in confusion as I turned my head to look at the rest of my crewmates, and was greeted with the sight of all three of them draping themselves over the side of the ship, their expressions characteristic of extreme nausea.

"That sucked..." Luffy moaned.

"I don't feel too good..." Chopper concurred.

"The heck's wrong with you guys?" I asked in confusion.

"No clue..." Usopp groaned as he clutched his head. "The second the fight started, Soundbite started making a racket of laughter and screams and music and... I don't even _know_ what I was hearing. All that matters is after a few seconds, my head started ringing and I wasn't able to stand up anymore... eurgh, what did you _do_ to us!?" The last part was directed at Soundbite.

The snail in question poked his head out of his shell with a wide, toothy grin plastered across his face. "I GOT _creative!"_

I frowned as I tried to work out what he was talking about. Alright, so that brouhaha Usopp described was most likely what got Zoro's attention when the fight started, but how could a lot of noise _possibly_ lead to dizziness and disorientation?

Unless...

"Unless it _didn't..."_ I breathed in realization before looking at Soundbite. "That mess of noise, that didn't make them dizzy, it was covering up what really _was_ , wasn't it?" I couldn't help but grin enthusiastically as I grasped the full scale of what Soundbite had just done. "You tickled their inner ears, _didn't you?"_

Soundbite nodded eagerly in agreement. " **Yup!** _ **CHECK IT!"**_ And with that, he proceeded to shut his mouth and start vibrating slightly, a _slight_ hum shaking the air. " _SUBSONIC VIBRATIONS! It's not easy,_ BUT IT WORKS!" he explained in a slightly shaky voice.

"Wow..." I whistled in awe. "So basically, you disorientate enemies and make it easier for _me_ to take them down. Brilliant..." I then brought my hand up to my headphones as I realized something. "But uncontrolled. _That's_ why you had me listening to music, to drown out the vibrations. You hit Zoro, sure, but you also hit the guys as collateral. Bit dangerous, don't you think? We won't be able to use this when we're fighting with the others."

"IF WE'RE FIGHTING _alone,_ **then someone FUCKED UP,"** Soundbite retorted.

I paused as I considered the statement before nodding slowly in agreement. "That's... actually a good point."

"Yeah well, even if it is," Zoro grunted as he shook his head a final time and seemed to reclaim his balance at last. "It's not going to get you out of exercising. Fifty pushups, now."

"Yes sir..." I groaned as I laid down on the deck.

"EIN _ZWEI-!"_

"Oh, you're not getting off that easy!" I snarled at Soundbite. "You're going to be practicing that move off the bow until you can _control_ it, got it?"

Soundbite's cocky expression immediately died, _hard._ " **JACKASS!"**

"Hey, free rides don't last forever, you know!" I scoffed as I slapped him down on the railing. "Now start working on the move!"

The snail growled and ground his teeth for a moment before turning around and staring off over the sea. A slight rippling in the waves was the only sign apparent to me that _anything_ was going on.

"Oh yeah, by the way!" Luffy cut in with a grin, looking noticeably less green. "What're you gonna call that move anyways?"

"Huh?" Soundbite and I chorused as we looked at Luffy in confusion.

"Oh, yeah!" Usopp perked up in agreement. "I've been meaning to ask that, too, what _are_ you guys going to call your attacks?"

"The heck are you-?" I blinked as I realized what they were talking about. "Oh... oh! Ah..." I trailed off slightly as I thought things over. "I... I've never really thought about it. I mean, really." I shrugged indifferently. "It's not _that_ important, is it?"

"It really is!" Luffy nodded firmly.

"I'm surprised you even have to ask!" Usopp concurred.

"They're right!" Chopper piped up.

"And why the _heck_ would it possibly be that important!?" I asked incredulously. Seriously, I knew that it sounded and _looked_ cool when it was in entertainment, but in actual practice? It did _not_ make a lot of sense. Well, sense meant absolutely jack in One Piece, to be sure, but still!

"Helps you concentrate," Zoro grunted as he got back into his weight-reps. "Puts your all into your moves, helps to keep you in the zone."

"And it sounds cool!" Luffy added.

"And it sounds cool," Zoro nodded reluctantly in agreement.

I opened my mouth... then shut it with a groan as I realized that there was no chance in the six and a half levels of hell of talking them out of this charade. "Alright... might as well keep it simple. Noise-Noise... something?"

"NO WAY!" Soundbite barked. " _I'm low_ **but not THAT LOW!"**

"Ergh..." I thunked my head against the floorboards. "Goddamn picky son of a- no, wait, that implies you were born and not spawned from the depths of hell." I continued with my pushups as I wracked my brains for a suitable name. "I don't know... something along the lines of babble? Prattle? Blather? Maybe in conjunction with the word pest or nuisance?"

"HA HA HA. _I almost_ **forgot** _TO LAUGH,"_ my partner-in-crime intoned.

"Alright lovebirds, less arguing, more exercising. We can work this out later," Zoro ordered.

"Yes sir..." we chorused reluctantly before returning to work.

Without anything further to entertain them, the rest of the guys slowly trickled away; Usopp wandered off to continue his work in the kitchen, Luffy swung his way around the ship at his leisure, and Chopper popped in and out periodically to check up on the both of us, griping about us overexerting ourselves but not much else.

My next pertinent meeting was about an hour later as I was doing curl-ups with my arms tied behind my back and my legs tied to the deck. Against my will, of course, but since when had something like protesting ever stopped Zoro?

"Hey Cross, do you have a second?"

I gave Nami a flat look as I jerked my head at my binds. "I obviously don't have anywhere to be, that's for damn sure." I promptly winced as I heard my tone of voice. "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that, I just feel like I went ten rounds in a ring with a gorilla is all. What do you need?"

Nami bit her lip hesitantly as she visibly fought with herself before speaking. "It's... I'm going to go out on a limb and say you know about a conversation I had with Usopp awhile back, right?"

"You wanted him to make you a new weapon, right," I nodded in agreement. I racked my brain for what I could recall of that particular flashback before wincing sympathetically. "For the record, you're _not_ a hindrance. Seriously, you managed to take down Miss Valentine's Day, right? That's more than I've managed to do, that's for sure. Not to mention that you can read the weather like an open book, so there's that too."

"That... means a lot to me, Cross..." Nami nodded hesitantly before sighing heavily. "But that's not enough and you know it. That's why you got that armor, right? So that you could make _some_ kind of difference?"

I froze as I suddenly became acutely aware of the weight of my armor. "...Fair enough. You were saying?"

"I just..." Nami waved her arm helplessly. "Want to know if it's going to _work,_ you know?

"It should," I replied with a nod. "Though I'd recommend you read the manual _before_ you get in a fight for your life."

Nami blinked as she tried to work out what I was saying before slowly turning to glare daggers at the kitchen. "Good idea..." she hissed. "As a matter of fact, I'm going to go and get involved in the design process, get a good look at the blueprints."

"Mind if I make a suggestion for that particular meeting?"

"What?"

I couldn't help but grin impishly. "Five Cast Iron."

Nami's face flushed furiously for a moment before she smiled demonically. "I'll take that into consideration..." she said in a far too calm voice as she stalked off.

" **Dead. Man. Walking,"** Soundbite droned with all the gravity of a death knell.

"Hey, she was almost stuck like a pig thanks to him," I defended. "In my opinion, the bastard's earned it. 'Sides, she won't hurt him..."

" _ **ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND!?"**_

I winced as the sounds of scuffling and yelling rang out from the kitchen.

"Much?" I amended hesitantly.

A few minutes later, my exercise was interrupted once anew by a bruised and battered mummy standing over me, glaring daggers down at my prone form.

"Before you say anything!" I defended hastily. "You _did_ try to put party tricks into a _weapon._ That _might_ work for you, but it sure the heck doesn't work for the rest of us!"

Usopp growled darkly beneath the bandages covering his mouth for a moment before shuffling off.

"Try working on your explosive ammo!" I called after him. "Take my word for it, with the guys we're going up against? Bigger is _way_ better!"

It was hard to tell whether he agreed with me or not, muffled as he was.

I made to go back to exercising before jerking back up as a _another_ thought struck me. "Oh, and I'd suggest Chopper and Luffy and you start fishing pretty damn soon!"

I'm _fairly_ certain that grunt was an affirmative. That or some kind of expletive, but eh, whatever.

"LUFFY _gonna_ **pig out?"** Soundbite asked.

"Among other things..." I shrugged with a grimace. Here's hoping that our new guest isn't _too_ dangerous.

But still, come on, it wasn't like the guy could be _that_ bad, even if he _was_ a cross-dressing assassin with a questionable - at best - taste in fashion.

 **-o-**

I was wrong, I acknowledged miserably as my eye twitched furiously. Wrong on so many levels.

He _could_ be that bad, and so much worse to boot.

Once again, Oda's art had not been quite up to the task of depicting what was in front of me. And unlike with, say, Laboon, that had been a _good thing_. Suffice to say that that outfit and that makeup did _not_ look good on that body. Hell, I don't think it was possible for it to look good on _any_ body, period!

"I officially envy the blind..." I muttered beneath my breath.

" _The horror..."_ Soundbite whimpered miserably from within his shell.

"HMMMM? I'm sorry, boy, what did you just say!?"

"GRGH!" I jumped back in shock as Mr. 2 suddenly got right up in my face, an expression I could only describe as 'peeved' painted on his face.

"Do you have a problem with okamas, young man?" he demanded with a huff.

My eye twitched furiously as I caught my hand jerking towards my baton. "Alright, _first off,_ I am _eighteen_ and I think I'm starting to develop a complex here, so fair warning, there's a non-zero chance I will _brain you_ if you don't _back off."_

Thankfully, the okama listened to me, giving me some space with an embarrassed chuckle. "Aheh, sorry about that."

"Right..." I muttered, taking a moment to properly formulate a response before speaking. "Anyways... second, concerning your question: I... do not _dislike_ okamas based on their choice. What they want to wear or... other facets of their personalities are wholly and utterly none of my business. That being said, though..." I glanced downwards with a shudder. "If you're going to walk around with your legs bare, then for the love of _god_ , invest in some razors!"

Mr. 2 cocked an eyebrow at me curiously before shrugging indifferently. "Fair enough. To be fair, that answer is more cordial than most you can expect! Ah well, tata then!" And with that, he spun back to his more... 'adoring' audience.

I couldn't help but cock my eyebrow at the display, trying to work through the sheer cognitive dissonance. To think that this guy was the... third most dangerous guy in Baroque Works? Fourth if you counted Doublefinger.

While Mr. 2 was talking, I happened to notice Nami and Zoro eyeing me warily. If the way they were glancing at the okama was anything to go by, they wanted to know what the deal was.

I considered things for a brief moment before finally deciding that there was no real reason to keep them in the dark. Hence, I surreptitiously positioned my hand _just_ so in the crook of my elbow and flashed a pair of fingers at them.

The way they stiffened showed that they obviously got the message, but I hastily shook my head as Zoro grabbed one of his swords. If we took down Bon Clay now, chances were that we would be shooting ourselves in the foot _way_ down the line. No way in _hell_ was I risking that.

I was drawn out of my thoughts by Mr. 2 speaking up and reeling his arm back. "BEHOLD MY ABILI-!"

"Hey, watch it!" I yelped as I grabbed his wrist.

"Awww, Cross! What gives!?" Luffy whined childishly.

"'What gives' is that there are a hundred and one different Devil Fruit abilities on the sea. If you think there's a _chance_ that I'm going to let a stranger use their ability on this ship without telling us what it is, then you're out of your mind!" I snapped hastily. _Damn_ that had been way too close. Still, on the bright side, Luffy was probably going to be able to remain anonymous for a bit longer. Heck, with any luck we all might.

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion. "But Cross, don't you- _GRK!"_ Our captain's voice was cut off in a choked gurgle as Nami hastily throttled his windpipe.

"Oh, don't mind me, please continue." Nami's calm expression was in complete opposition to the veins popping up on her arms.

Bon Clay gave Nami a confused look before shrugging indifferently and smiling at me. "Well, you seem like quite the smart cookie, my friend. It's not often that one sees someone quite so smart on the Grand Line! Good on you!" he complimented as he gave me a paternal pat on the cheek.

I couldn't help but chuckle sheepishly as I scratched the back of my head. "Yeah, well, _someone_ on this crew has to use common sense, n- _eek!"_ I froze as I processed what had just happened.

He'd patted me on the cheek.

He'd patted me. On the cheek. _With his right hand._

"Uh-oh..." I breathed numbly.

"Heeheeheehee!" Mr. 2 smirked as he slapped his right hand to his own cheek and shot my own grin back at me. "Guess you're not as smart as you thought after all, huuuuuuh~?"

The best response I could muster was a strangled gurgle.

"Haha!" Bon Clay cheered as he spun around eagerly. "Behold! The power of the Clone-Clone Fruit! By touching someone with my right hand-!"

I tuned Bon Clay's explanation out as I processed the implications of what had just happened. Well, my attempt to stop Mr. 2 from grabbing faces had just failed in my own regard...

I tensed as I saw him heading for my crewmates.

But that sure as heck didn't mean it'd have to fail for everyone else!

"Hey!" I barked as I got between him and everyone else. "No touchy, especially not in the face!"

"Crooooss!" Luffy whined childishly.

"Come on, Cross, why do you have to ruin our fun!?" Usopp demanded.

"Fun-killer!" Chopper concurred.

"I don't know about you, but personally? I don't consider the idea of leaving my... _everything_ in the hands of a stranger to be 'fun'," I stated flatly before glaring at Bon Clay. "Bad enough you have my face, but so long as I have any say in all this, then you won't be getting anyone else's."

Mr. 2 pouted innocently. "Aww, don't you trust me, Mr. Cross?"

I gave Mr. 2 a flat look. "You tricked me and stole my face. In a word?" I leaned forwards and narrowed my eyes accusingly. " _No."_

"Oh, you're no fun," Mr. 2 accused me. I just crossed my arms and leaned back, glaring expectantly at him. "Well, I suppose I can work with just one face. Let's try this again: behold, the power of the Clone-Clone Fruit!"

And with that, Bon Clay started up his carnival of faces, swapping one for another for another. It was rather impressive, to be honest, if slightly disturbing. At least it was a clean type of transition, as opposed to the more disturbing options out there.

I _did_ flinch when he took on Cobra's face, that's for damn sure. How the hell he got _that,_ I don't even want to consider.

Judging from the way that Carue squawked behind me, I wasn't the only one who recognized the face.

"Th-that face! That's- _ERK!"_ Carue cut himself off as I rammed my elbow into his side.

"Not another word, duck!" I hissed beneath my breath.

Carue stared at me in disbelief. "But that's-!"

"Shh!" I shushed him.

Carue ground his beak darkly for a moment before leaning in conspiratorially. " _But that wath Vivi's father!"_

"I know that!" I growled in agreement as I continued glancing cautiously at the Officer Agent. "But the fact is that we can't let him _know_ that we know that. If we do, things are going to become a _lot_ more... _interesting_ around here. Just wait until he's gone, it shouldn't be long now."

"But Cwoss..." Carue shook his head furiously. "Someone wike _that_ with the face of a king, of Vivi's _father!"_

I shook my head sadly. "You have no idea. But the fact is that we can't do anything about it right now. For now... just grit your beak and bear it."

Carue glanced distrustingly at Bon Clay for a moment before giving me a hesitant nod. "If you say so, Cwoss..."

"I do," I nodded solemnly. "I don't do it gladly, but I do either way." I was silent for a moment as Carue slowly trotted off before grimacing and shaking my head. "I don't do it gladly, but here's hoping that things turn out for the best either way..."

" _That bad?"_ Soundbite asked nervously.

I glanced at him for a moment before sighing miserably. "I let him go, he burns a city down. We stop him here... well, simply put, I condemn Luffy to a guaranteed death."

Soundbite's eyes widened in shock for a moment before he scowled furiously. " _MORTON'S FORK, huh?"_

"Yeah," I nodded grimly. "Save that unlike on Little Garden, the choice is a _lot_ more obvious." I cast a grim look at Mr. 2. "We stay the course... for better or for worse."

And so Mr. 2 and our more childish crewmates played and celebrated for several minutes, under my, Zoro's and Nami's supervision so as to ensure he didn't grab anyone _else's_ faces. At long last, though, the fun came to an end as Mr. 2's swan-headed ship came into view and he leapt aboard.

"Farewell, my friends!" he cried sadly. "May we meet again one day!"

"Goodbye, weird guy! We'll miss you!" Luffy cried.

"Bye, weird guy!" Chopper and Usopp concurred.

"Oh don't worry, we'll be seeing him again..." I informed them blandly.

"Now then, my men!" Mr. 2 pointed forwards dramatically. "Let us be off!"

"Yes sir, Mr. 2 Bon Clay sir!" his crew cried out as they set their ship's paddles to charge off at full speed.

We watched the ship draw off for a few moments before I finally spoke up.

"Oh yeah, we'll be seeing him again _real_ soon," I deadpanned.

" _THAT WAS MR. 2!?"_ Luffy, Chopper and Usopp squawked in disbelief.

"Seriously, _that_ was one of the strongest Officer Agents in Baroque Works?" Zoro scoffed.

"I guess it takes all kinds, huh?" Nami asked weakly.

"T-That was actually Mr. 2 Bon Clay!" Vivi gasped in shock.

"Didn't you know what he looked like!?" Usopp demanded.

"Nuh-uh, we nevah met anyone bewow Mistah Thwee, and that was enough for me!" Carue squawked in denial.

"But... I did hear rumors..." Vivi moaned as she sank to her knees. "That he's a flamboyant crossdresser, that he has swans on his coat and the words 'Okama Way' are printed on his back."

"Are you blind?" Luffy, Usopp and Zoro deadpanned in disbelief.

"Would you like me to suggest some memory exercises for you now, or would you rather wait until _after_ you forget some touchy nation's customs?" I asked innocently.

Unfortunately, drawing attention to myself was _not_ the proper course of action for me to take. Vivi immediately snapped to her feet and rounded on me, fury in her eyes. "Why didn't you tell us who he was!?" she demanded. "That man had my father's _face!_ Baroque Works has his _face!_ Can you even _imagine_ the kind of damage they could cause?!"

I winced as I recalled the images of a burning city. "All too well..." I sighed grimly for a second before rallying swiftly. "But while the damage he'll cause right now will be devastating, the damage that would have been caused by stopping him back then would have been positively cataclysmic, if not _fatal._ Believe me, I didn't _like_ staying silent, but it was the only option I had! The fact is, _we needed him to be our friend._ I don't like it any more than you do, but for now the okama goes free. And besides..." I grinned confidently. "I've already done more than enough to nullify him completely."

"Oh yeah?" Zoro grunted in confusion. "How so?"

"Easy." I jabbed my thumb at Nami. "He didn't get _her_ face."

Nami blinked in confusion at that for a moment before sighing heavily and slapping her hand to her face. " _Sanji_ will be fighting him, won't he?"

"You called, my love?" said cook swooned as he swirled up to our navigator.

"Where da heck were you!?" Carue demanded.

"Cooking dinner in the kitchen," Sanji shrugged indifferently before looking around and taking in everyone's expressions. "What did I miss?"

"We became friends with a shapeshifting okama who stole Cross's face but he turned out to be one of the bad guys who's hurting Vivi's country," Luffy explained simply.

Sanji blinked as he took the statement in before shrugging indifferently. "Okay."

"Oh, and by the way," I spoke up as I walked up to him. "When Luffy says he stole my face, he means that the okama, Mr. 2, can use his Devil Fruit to turn into, well, me. Seeing how you'll be the one fighting him in the future, chances are that he'll try using it in order to trick you. Do you think you're prepared for that?"

Sanji stared at me flatly for a moment before placing his hands on my shoulders. "Cross," he stated solemnly. "I will not hesitate even a second before kicking your ass into a broken, bleeding pulp. Of this you have my word."

I grinned and nodded in agreement for a moment... before allowing a hint of uneasiness to enter my expression. "You mean... kick _his_ ass... wearing _my_ face... right?"

Sanji nodded in agreement. "That too."

I nodded numbly for a moment before hastily wheeling around and clapping my hands firmly, a rictus grin plastered on my face. "Let's work out a password just to be safe, huh?" I asked hastily.

"Eh, I don't know..." Zoro mused with a sadistic grin. "Maybe we should just give you a beating every time we see you just to be sure?"

"PASSWORD! _NOW!"_

"Oh, how about 'Swordfish'?"

" _BETTER PASSWORD!"_

"Heh, alright, alright. Any ideas?"

"...weeeell... I do have the one..."

 **-o-**

A few foodless days and one Sea Cat-encounter later, we finally came within sight of our destination.

An expanse of land that engulfed the horizon, the most pure _land_ I'd seen since we'd gone past the Grand Line.

An island, nay, a _continent_ of sand, shadows and _heat;_ a heat that was intensified even further by the flames of war and those who fanned them.

"Welcome back to Alabasta, Vivi..." I mused, clapping her on the shoulder as we pulled into Nanohana's port. "It's been waiting for you for a while now."

"Mmm..." Vivi nodded morosely in agreement. "I'd say it's good to be home, but given the circumstances..."

"Hey, come on..." I tightened my grip on her reassuringly. "What did I tell you earlier?"

Vivi was silent for a moment before smiling hopefully. "Believe in Luffy."

"Believe in Luffy," I nodded in agreement. "He might be a dingus, but in the end he's still Luffy. He'll get things done, one way or another."

"FOOOOOOOD!"

I winced at the animalistic howl that cracked the air, as well as the dust cloud left in his wake. "Usually another..." I grumbled. I then tapped Soundbite's shell and waved my finger in a circle, an electronic whine indicating that he was amping me. " _I'll go after Luffy. Hurry up with getting the supplies, when we get back it'll be with his brother and a_ lot _of Marines on our tail."_

"SAY WHAT!?" everyone howled after me as I jumped ashore.

"HEY LUFFY, WAIT UP!" I called as I ran after our Captain.

And so it was that the climax to the Alabasta Saga started.

On the one side, the ragtag band of pirates I was a part of, fighting for the sake of a friend.

On the other, a nefarious criminal organization completely and utterly devoid of scruples.

On the line, the lives of everything and everyone that was within this kingdom.

As I ran into Nanohana, one simple thought defined my opinion of the situation:

' _Bring it on.'_


	17. Chapter 16 - Alabasta Pt 2

**Chapter 16**

I panted heavily as I chased after Luffy's dust trail, doing my level best to keep up with him. Still, despite my best efforts, my 'best', improved as it was, wasn't anywhere near good enough to keep up with as ridiculous a powerhouse as Luffy. It was all I could do to stay in sight of his dust-trail, and dodging around the citizenry and odd marine wandering around wasn't helping matters in the least.

At least I wasn't all that alone on my chase, so to speak.

" _CROSS!"_ Nami howled from Soundbite's mouth. " _What the hell do you mean by Marines!?_ And why the hell didn't you tell us that Mr. 3 was here!?"

"Oh yeah, his ship's near the Merry..." I huffed to myself before refocusing. "And in reverse order, I didn't tell you about Mr. 3 because he's not relevant. He's nowhere near Nanohana at the moment, so you don't need to worry about hiding your faces, and Crocodile's going to jump the gun and take care of him before he can raise any hell for us, so don't worry about the Wax-man. And as for the Marines, well..." I couldn't help but grin eagerly. "Well, even _before_ I opened my mouth Smoker wanted Luffy's head as a matter of pride!"

" _And now?"_ Nami groaned wearily, obviously dreading the answer.

"If there was a chance in hell he'd ever leave us be before, there sure as heck ain't one now!"

" _... you are a_ raging _son of a bitch, you know that?"_

"And proud of it!" I cackled eagerly. "Now, hurry up and load up on supplies, the desert's going to be hell on earth as it is. Oh, and before I forget, Sanji!" A glance at Soundbite prompted him to shift his expression and voice.

" _Yeah, Cross?"_

"You're in charge of getting clothes for everyone. Make sure you go with your instincts, got it? The fate of Alabasta might very well depend on it!"

Sanji, and by proxy Soundbite, blinked in confusion. " _Um... alright? If you say so, Cross."_

"Great! Now then..." I trailed off slowly as I became aware of a rather crucial fact: I'd lost Luffy's trail. "Where the hell is my captain!?"

SMASH-SMASH-SMASH- _KA-KRASH!_

I blinked in surprise at the trio of explosions that rang out from the alleyway to my next, explosions that were swiftly followed up by a rather impressive cloud of dust and debris.

" _I'm_ GONNA **say** _ **thattaway,"**_ Soundbite deadpanned.

"I'm inclined to agree with you..." I muttered as I made my way towards the devastation. Gingerly peeking my head into said alleyway, I noted the neat holes shattered into the walls.

"Christ on a pikestaff, Luffy," I muttered, not even wanting to _consider_ how much force that required. "Are you a human, a monster, or some freak force of nature!?"

" _D:_ **all of the above!"** my gastropodal companion snickered.

I started to nod in agreement before tensing furiously as I ran that sentence over in my head. "...That makes _way_ too much sense..." I groaned to myself.

"Gimme a freaking break…"

I flinched back as a wave of heat washed over me, followed swiftly by a very familiar grumbling pirate. Geez, Ace looked steamed, and yes, that pun was intended because the way the air was shimmering around him made that expression all-too-literal.

"Smashing me through several buildings, what kind of world-class idiot would do something like that!?" the Whitebeard Second Division Commander growled to himself.

"Ah, excuse me?" I piped up hastily as I hurried to catch up with him. "Did you just say 'world-class idiot'?"

Ace paused in the last hole, presumably seeing Luffy. I was more preoccupied by the sound of a lighter flicking behind me, which turning around revealed to be Smoker standing in the previous hole, lighting his cigars and looking _damn_ intimidating in the process. I sighed as I realized what was about to happen.

"Oh, this is gonna _suck…_ "

Sure enough, just as Ace began a "Hey, Luffy!", I felt a hand clamp down on my face with all the force of a hydraulic press before slamming me head-first into the hardwood floor.

Did it say bad things about the past few weeks that an impact that should have, by all rights, split my head like an egg only hurt a little more than a common bump?

Yes.

By _god_ yes.

After a few moments of lying dazed on the ground, I slowly managed to work myself up into a sitting position, rubbing piteously at the goose-egg that was growing on my skull. "Owie..." I whimpered.

"Hey Cr'ss!" Luffy called up from behind me, his words thoroughly muffled by the excess of food in his mouth. "Why does th's guy seem so fam'liar?"

"Captain Smoker, the Marine from Loguetown," I informed him blearily as I gingerly poked at the swollen flesh on my skull. God _damn_ that stung! "I'd say we're a bit out of his jurisdiction, but then again we are on World Government soil, so that point is moot."

"Oh, okay."

"Urgh... ow..."

Some groaning next to me prompted me to glance at Ace, who was slowly working himself up with a pained expression.

"Last time I let my Haki slip, even in Paradise..." he growled to himself before focusing on me. "Hey, you. You know my brother?"

"Uh-huh," I nodded before holding my hand out to him. "Jeremiah Cross, third mate, comms officer and tactician of the Strawhat Pirates. Luffy's my captain."

Ace was about to respond...

"AHHH!" Luffy hollered fearfully, no doubt spraying half-chewed food all over Smoker as his neurons finally fired. " _TH'T_ SMOKEY GUY! WE GOTTA RUN, CROSS!"

When he was interrupted by Luffy's hand grabbing onto my shoulder.

I could _feel_ the blood drain out of my face. "Oh no..."

" _HERE WE GO AGAIN!"_ Soundbite hollered as he snapped back into his shell.

And just like that, Luffy's arm went taut, yanking me through the air.

"AAAA-oh, hi Smoker!-AAAAAAAH!" I hollered as I was snapped back against Luffy, the moron dragging me along as he ran at what _had_ to be over a dozen miles per hour.

"Crapcrapcrapcrap, gotta run, gotta run, gotta run!" Luffy chanted frantically as he dashed through the streets.

I opened my mouth to say something... and promptly gurgled in horror when Smoker barreled out of the ruined restaurant, a veritable volcano of rage as he charged towards us. "Run faster! _Run faster!"_

"RUNNING FASTER!" Luffy concurred frantically.

"TASHIGI!" Smoker suddenly roared. "IT'S STRAWHAT AND CROSS! STOP THEM, NOW!"

I twisted my head around in order to glance over my shoulder and paled as I caught sight of Officer Tashigi falling into a ready stance. "RUN SOME OTHER WAY!"

"RIGHT!" Luffy nodded in agreement, snapping his arm out as Tashigi slashed at him and whipping us _up_ the side of a building, finally coming to a momentary halt on the roof before continuing. "That was close! How you doing, Cross?"

"My arm feels like it's about to be twisted out of its socket, my legs aren't in much better condition, and I think I'm going to either vomit, pass out, mutiny, or some unholy combination of all three," I gurgled miserably as the world spun around me. "But apart from that? I'm _greeeeat."_

" _Somebody_ STOP THE _**world,**_ **I wanna get off..."** Soundbite moaned blearily.

"So you're okay then! That's good!" Luffy laughed happily.

I threw an acrid glare his way. "Do you only listen to every other word I say or something!?"

Before Luffy could respond, he was interrupted by the _far_ too familiar sound of smoke billowing behind us. "WHITE SNAKE!" Smoker roared, flinging his nimbus-like limb out at us.

"OHSHIT!" I yelped, jerking my legs out of reach of the snapping white 'jaws' just in time. Holy _shit_ that was close! Credit where it was due, Smoker was admirably persistent! Well, if he wasn't chasing me and my captain.

"What are you doing here, Strawhat? What's your goal!?" Smoker roared at us.

I dared to allow myself a faux-hurt expression. "Why, Captain, is it so unbelievable that we missed you so much that we sought you out simply for the pleasure of your company?"

"Huh? Really?" Luffy blinked at me in confusion. "I thought we were here so that we could kick Crocodile's ass?"

I shrugged helplessly. "Well that too, but honestly I consider that to be more a civic duty than a goal."

 _That_ managed to bring Smoker up short, though he swiftly rallied and redoubled his attempts to recapture us. "What business does a wet-nosed rookie like you have with someone like Crocodile!?"

Intoxicated by the sound of my blood pounding in my ears, I barked out a laugh before jabbing a finger at the Marine. "Easy: we're doing the _founding premise_ of your job for you! Honestly, considering how we're doing this as a favor for the kingdom's heir apparent, I think _we_ might have even more right to be here then _you!"_

"Hair detergent?" Luffy tilted his head as he looked over his shoulder at me. "I thought that we were doing this for Viv- _ACK!"_

"HOLY-!"

CRASH!

That was all we managed to get out after Luffy mistimed one of his steps and fell into one of the gaps between the buildings whose rooftops we'd been crossing over.

"Whoops..." Luffy chuckled dizzily.

My opinion on what had just occurred was... conflicted. On the one hand, I'd just fallen from a three-story height and not only had I lived, but I was _ninety-five_ percent positive that I hadn't broken anything from the fall.

That was badass.

On the other hand... the general sensation my body was sending to my brain could be summarized as _ooooooowwww._

That... was not so badass.

"Luffy..." I ground out. "By any chance... have you ever heard the phrase... _look before you leap?"_

"Mmm... nope! Never! Why, is it important?"

"...no, it just explains _so_ much about you... still, at least today can't get much worse."

" _CROSS!"_ Soundbite barked in Nami's voice before he shifted to his own annoyed expression. " _ **You had**_ **to say it."**

I shrugged slightly, wincing at the ache it caused. "Honestly, I was mostly trying to just move things along. Anyways, what is it Nami?"

" _Cross..."_ our navigator snarled venomously. " _We were calmly doing our shopping in peace and quiet, minding our own business, until_ someone," I could all but taste the poison she put into the word. " _Whipped the_ battleship-load _of marines in port into a goddamn frenzy._ What the hell did you morons do!?"

"In my defence, I plead innocence by act of Luffy," I deadpanned.

" _...alright, fair enough. So what the hell do we do now? Sneak back to the Merry or something?"_

"That _would_ be a viable solution..." I conceded before shaking my head with a sigh. "Save that Captain Smoker followed us all the way here from the East Blue and he's going to _keep_ following us, most likely all the way to the shores of Raftel. So really, what do you think the chances are that mere 'sneaking' will help us elude him?"

" _Then what's_ your _brilliant strategy for escape?"_

"K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple, Stupid. Sometimes the simplest solution is the most effective. It's why people still use hammers, after all."

" _And the simplest solution would be...?"_

I winced slightly as I worked my neck back and forth, popping out a few unpleasant kinks. "Get ready to run."

" _...I_ wish _that didn't make so much sense."_

"You and me both," I sighed wearily.

"Uhhh... Cross?"

"Yeah Luffy?"

"Can we go now? Hiding is boring."

"Yeah, sure thing. Just, do you think you could drag me by somewhere else, please? My shoulder still hurts."

"Oh yeah, sure thing! Hey, Soundbite, which way's everyone else?"

" _Thattaway!"_ Soundbite crowed as he jabbed his eyestalks down the street.

"Perfect!" Luffy whooped as he jumped to his feet. "Come on, Cross, let's go!"

"Aye aye Cap- _ACK!"_ I squawked in panic as Luffy grabbed onto me again, thankfully not by my shoulder. Sadly, the new spot wasn't all the much better. "Nononono Luffy _wai-!"_

"YAHOO! FORWARDS!" Luffy roared as he barreled out of the alleyway, dragging me behind him by my ankle.

Once again, my opinion of this state of affairs was rather split.

The upside of the situation was that by being dragged by Luffy, I didn't have to push a hundred-and-ten percent from my legs in order to keep up with his insane speed, and thus I wasn't slowing him down.

The downside, of course, was that in my current position, sand was being blown straight into my ass with all the power of an industrial-grade snowblower. Hence, I was a bit... uncomfortable.

I huffed heavily as I crossed my arms, staring up at the sky contemplatively. "I am conflicted..." I mused to myself.

My conflict was brought to an end on account of my head suddenly bouncing off of a buried rock in the street, causing my everything to become _**pain.**_

 **-o-**

"Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey Cross. Cross. Cross. Hey. Hey."

"Mmmrgrgh..." I groaned as I slowly came awake, cracking my eyelids open... and becoming aware of the fact that Luffy was poking me in the face.

"Are you sure he's still alive, Luffy?" I heard Ace ask from somewhere out of my field of vision.

"Yeah, I'm sure!" Luffy grinned. "Cross isn't a weakling! Well, he's _kind_ of a weakling, but he's been getting better... kind of? It's confusing."

" **NO,** _YOU'RE JUST_ **a moron!"** Soundbite cackled.

Deciding that enough was enough, I announced my return to the realm of the waking by shifting around... and promptly hissing in pain, wincing as I dug my hand under the back of my head. God _damn it,_ was the universe _trying_ to put a hole in the back of my skull!?"

"Oh hey, Cross, you woke up!" Luffy cheered enthusiastically. "How you feeling?"

I... will confess, I'm not _entirely_ sure what happened at that moment. Maybe I had heatstroke from the not inconsiderate amount of sun I'd been exposed to, maybe my temper finally hit a breaking point, or maybe I just went temporarily _insane._

In the end, the 'why' didn't matter.

THWACK! "MMPH!"

What _did_ matter was that my fist somehow ended up literally elbow-deep in Luffy's face.

I blinked in surprise as I processed what had just happened before yanking my arm experimentally. I could _feel_ the sweatdrop weighing on my head as my limb stayed stuck fast in my captain's head.

I shot a sheepish grin at Ace. "Ah... Luffy's skull is a bit thicker than I thought. Little help?"

Ace stared at me in shock for a second longer before throwing his head back and laughing his ass off. "HAHAHAHA! Oh _man,_ you really _are_ Luffy's crewmate! Only _he'd_ be crazy enough to recruit someone like you!"

"Yeah yeah, I'm a crazy son of a bitch worthy of the Grand Line, that's both a compliment and an insult. Now help me before Luffy asphyxiates! God knows that he didn't get enough air at birth as is..."

"Nah, I know for a fact Luffy chewed on the bars of his crib as a kid," Ace said with a grin.

A grin I matched. "Lead paint?"

"He swears up and down that it tasted like chocolate."

"'ut it 'id!" Luffy muffled out.

" **HOOHOOHOO** HAHAHA _HEEHEEHEE!"_ Soundbite cackled madly.

"But, ah, seriously though." I planted my foot on Luffy's shoulder and tugged, distending his face a bit but nowhere near enough. "Get. Me-!"

In a flare of flame, Ace was behind Luffy, grabbing the nape of his neck and yanking back, hard. Thankfully, the force was more than enough to release his face's grip on my arm with a _very_ satisfying _POP!_

"Thanks," I said, shaking my hand out in order to try and get some feeling back. "I was afraid we'd have to resort to our first mate's brand of back-alley surgery. I don't know about you, but I _like_ having two hands, thanks."

"That's… Roronoa Zoro, right?" Ace replied, still grinning. "Good choice there, Luffy."

"He's been training me, so my bruises and I _sorely_ beg to differ!" I jabbed my finger up pointedly.

"Heh, yeah, Zoro and everyone else on my crew is pretty great!" Luffy snickered as he rubbed a finger beneath his nose. He then clapped Ace on his shoulder. "I know I already said it, but it's really great to see you again, Ace! I've missed you a whole lot!" His face then twisted up in confusion. "But what the heck are you doing in Alabasta anyways? Cross told me that your new captain Whitestache-!"

"Beard!" Ace and I corrected with different degrees of heat.

"Whitebeard is on the other side of the world! How come you're so far away?"

 _That_ question caused me to freeze up furiously.

" _ZEHAHAHAHA! WITH THIS POWER, I WILL BECOME THE KING OF THE PIRATES! ZEHAHAHA!"_

I shuddered heavily at the thought before waving my hand frantically. "Ah, before you answer that, mind if I say something?"

The brothers looked at me in confusion. "Uh... sure thing Cross, what is it?" Luffy tilted his head inquiringly.

Upon gaining the attention I'd been seeking, I promptly froze up. I knew that this day was gonna come eventually, but _damn_ if it being here didn't make it any easier. Nevertheless... it wasn't like I had any other choices. Not saying this would be just as bad as if I'd never said anything at all. Best to get it over with.

I bit my lip hesitantly before poking my fingers together sheepishly. "I... look, Luffy, what I'm about to say... chances are you're going to want to punch my head off my shoulders for it. And... you'd be well within your rights to do so. The both of you. Just... fair warning, alright?"

Luffy frowned in concern. "Cross, does this have anything to do with 'that'?"

I winced guiltily. "It's... it's a part of 'that' that I didn't tell. That I couldn't tell you until now, when Ace was around. I'm really sorry I didn't, but I swear I had my reasons. Good reasons, not like last time. Alright?"

Luffy pursed his lips in thought for a moment before nodding solemnly. "Okay then. What is it?"

Ace, for his part, was looking at us like we were both crazy. "Uh... what are you talking about? What's 'that'? And Cross, what could you possibly-?"

"Over ten years ago, you and Luffy had a third brother named Sabo."

Ace's voice died in his throat as he stared at me as though I'd just grown a second head. Before he could say anything, however, I forged on.

"When you met him, he made himself out to be a street rat like you, but the truth was that he was an _ex-_ noble, emphasis on the word ex because for those who can't conform, life as a noble is hell, so he got the hell out of dodge. Despite not being related by blood, all three of you were _just_ as close, closer even. However, after the noble's plan to immolate Gray Terminal and everyone living within, Sabo decided to flee Goa Kingdom and set out on his own to be a pirate. Sadly, he left on the same day a World Noble arrived at the Kingdom. The Noble fired upon and destroyed his ship for the dual crimes of flying a pirate flag... and because Sabo cut off the Noble's ship with his own."

If I'd grown a second head before, I might as well have turned into Blackbeard then and there the way Ace was looking at me.

"How...?" he started to grind out before I cut him off with a raised hand.

"That part..." I said slowly, glancing at my captain, who'd angled his hat over his eyes. "Was the part that Luffy knew I knew. But what I'm about to say... this is the first he'll hear of it." _That_ got Luffy's attention, if the eye he was looking at me with was anything to go by.

The temperature slowly started to crank up as Ace took a step towards me, angling himself so that he was standing in front of Luffy. "What are you talking about?" he asked menacingly.

I swallowed heavily, clenching my eyes shut along with every other muscle my body had available. This... was going to _hurt._

"Sabo is alive."

SLAM!

"GRK!" I wheezed out around the iron-hard grip that had grabbed my throat and _rammed_ me into the nearest wall available. Spots danced in my vision, but it was hard to tell whether they were from the minor concussion I was no-doubt starting to develop or from the flaming fingertips hovering mere _inches_ from my face.

" _Mother!"_ Soundbite yelped as he snapped back within his shell.

"I'm-not-lying-I'm-not-lying-I'm-not-lying-oh-dear-god-don't-kill-me-I'm-not-lying!" I babbled desperately, fighting to maintain what little control over my bladder I could manage. Honestly, I'd probably be laughing my ass off if doing so didn't guarantee a swift and fiery death by pissed-off-brother.

"Yeah, I bet," Ace growled viciously, the air around him starting to _very_ visibly shimmer. "It's a shame, I _actually_ thought you were a decent guy. Second time I've been wrong. Only this time, _you're not getting away."_

"Ace!" I dimly heard Luffy shout. "Let go of my Commie!"

"Luffy, you can't actually believe this shit, right?" Ace snarled. "Even you're not that gullible."

"Did anyone… find a… bo- _ARGH_?" I managed to wheeze out before Ace squeezed my windpipe shut.

"Don't you fucking _dare_ imply that!" he snapped. "He was blown to fucking bits! There was nothing-!"

"Ace, _ENOUGH!"_

"Luffy-!"

"Cross already lied to me once and he hated every second of it! He _wouldn't_ do it again! I _trust_ him!"

"But-! He's talking about _Sabo!"_

"He hasn't been wrong before, _and I trust him!_ Now let him go... or else."

Throughout this exchange darkness had been slowly creeping up the edges of my vision. I was _just_ about to black out when Ace's grip loosened _just_ enough to let me gasp in a trickle of air.

"Talk fast."

"World Nobles can't shoot worth shit," I squeaked out, fighting to keep my increasingly muddled thoughts straight. "The bastard hit Sabo's boat, but he didn't hit Sabo. The reason no body was found was that there _was_ no body. He was _rescued."_

"By who?" Luffy asked hastily.

"The same people... who rescued the people of Gray Terminal... before they burned," I gasped out. "Dragon... Dragon and his Revolutionaries. Dragon rescued him, they nursed him back to health-!"

"Sabo would have come back if he was still alive!" Ace barked viciously.

"He didn't remember you- _literally!"_ I tacked on swiftly as the Fire-Man's fingers flared. "He didn't get out unscathed, he had amnesia, _has_ amnesia. The-the _only_ reason he knows his own name is that it was sewn into the lining of his hat! Everything before getting blasted was a blank!"

"Then why didn't they just take him back to Goa, huh? Why take him along!?"

I shook my head miserably. "Sabo's love for you was strong, but his hatred of Goa was stronger! Every fiber of his being screamed at him to not go back to Goa, and the Revolutionaries accepted! They took him with them! H-he's still with them, he's Dragon's chief-of-staff, _he's alive, I swear it!"_

Ace stared at me unreadably for a moment before _finally_ releasing me and stepping back, allowing me to slump against the wall as I hacked and coughed miserably, massaging my bruised and burnt throat all the while.

"T-thank y-!"

"Say it again."

I blinked in confusion as I looked up at him. "Wha-?"

And just like that, the words died in my throat... no, no that's not right. It wasn't anywhere near that simple. My breathing stopped, my heart stilled, my _soul_ withered... it wasn't just my words that died... _I_ died. For a brief, _brief_ moment... it was indescribable, really.

Where to start...

The sun, I guess, would be a good place.

Imagine it: a nuclear ball of flaming gas and plasma, massive and hot beyond all reason, beyond all sanity, all _imagination._ Imagine all that fire and heat and light and power...

Then imagine you, a meager, puny, _insignificant_ person, infinitesimally small on the cosmic scale... were standing in front of it.

Just... try and conceive of it: an absolute nothing like you... standing up against the might and power... of a fact. An absolute goddamn _fact_ of the cosmos.

Staring at Ace, at that moment... that was _exactly_ what it felt like. Absolutely, _legitimately_ what I felt like.

" **Say. It. Again,"** he _stated._

As shivers wracked every inch of my body, I became aware of the fact that at some point or another I'd fallen to my knees. Then I realized that I was crying. _Then_ I realized that Soundbite was lying K.O. on my shoulder, foam bubbling furiously out of his shivering shell. Finally... I managed to force myself to speak.

"I swear," I breathed. "I swear to god, I swear to the devil, I swear on my friends, I swear on my friendship with Luffy, I swear to _you._ Sabo is alive and well. _I did not, would not lie."_

And just like that it was over, allowing me to collapse forward on all fours. I dry-heaved repeatedly as I grappled with my entrails.

Holy _fuck._ Welp, it was fucking official: Conqueror's Haki. _Never again._ Once was equivalent to a religious fucking experience, and Ace wasn't anywhere near the worst this world had to offer!

Then again, I'd gotten a close-range blast directed specifically at me. A more general burst was _probably_ not as bad.

… Now I kinda wonder what that would feel like.

... I _might_ have something of a problem.

"He's alive..."

"Huh?" I blinked at Ace in confusion.

The Second Division Commander was supporting himself against one of the walls, visibly fighting to stay upright. Honestly, if the joyous expression on his face was anything to go by, I couldn't find any fault with him.

"He's alive... Our brother's _alive!"_ he repeated to himself rapturously, tears of joy streaming down his face.

It was a true testament to Ace's will that as fast as he broke down, he managed to pulled himself back together. This was _especially_ fortuitous on account of how he was able to hastily tackle Luffy and force his mouth shut, keeping him from literally _bouncing_ out of the alley in his ecstasy.

"Quiet you idiot, do you want the Marines to hear you!?" he hissed frantically.

"Or Baroque Works for that matter, the town is _crawling_ with Billions!" I added. I grinned at the bemused look Ace shot me. "We're going up against Baroque Works, a top-secret criminal organization sowing unrest and anarchy in the kingdom."

Ace rolled his eyes with a sigh. "I should have figured. Who's the boss? Anyone I know?"

"IT'S GONNA BE _LUFFY_ **vs. CROCODILE!"** Soundbite whooped. " _ **Kickass TO THE MAX!"**_

 _That_ got an impressed look out of Ace. "Barely even... what, a month?"

"Mmm-hmm!" Luffy mumbled out with a nod.

"Barely even a month and you already managed to piss off a Warlord. I don't know if that's a world record or a testament to your lucky stupidity."

"Eh, a little of column A, a little of column B, in my opinion," I waved my hand side to side.

"HA! Fair point!" Ace barked in agreement before looking down at Luffy. "Now then. I'm going to let your mouth go. Do you promise to _not_ shout loud enough that they'll hear you back home on Dawn Island?"

"Mm-hmm!" my captain nodded.

"He's lying through his teeth, of course," I deadpanned.

"Of course..." Ace sighed in agreement. "Alright, one, two-!" He removed his hand from Luffy's mouth-

"HE'S ALI- _grk!"_

And promptly squeezed Luffy's throat halfway shut. "Lower. _The volume!"_

" _He's alive!"_ Luffy choked out, sounding for all the world like a dying squeaky toy.

"Yes, he's alive!" I concurred wearily. "Now all we need to do is stay alive so that _you_ can live to see him. Sound good?"

Luffy blinked as he processed that before nodding reluctantly in agreement. He then tilted his head at me in confusion. " _Why didn't you tell me, Cross?"_

Ace let go of Luffy as he looked at me. "That's... a good point. Why _didn't_ you tell Luffy this earlier?"

I gave the pro-pirate a flat look as I pointed at the still-stinging burn-fingermarks on my throat. "Because if Luffy came up to you saying how I said Sabo was still alive, you'd have thought me some kind of con man trying to prey on the memory of your brother. After that, well..."

" _ **BURN, BABY, BURN!"**_

"Precisely," I nodded solemnly as I pointed at Soundbite.

Ace had the decency to adopt a sheepish look as he averted his eyes from me. "Ah... well... I... I'm not _that_ bad..."

"Nah, it's actually a good reason," Luffy nodded in agreement. "You'd totally do that."

"My thoughts exactly," I concurred.

" _PRETTY predictable!"_ Soundbite tacked on.

"Alright, alright, shut it, you jokers!" Ace huffed in embarrassment. "Anyways, shouldn't we be trying to get back to your ship? I'm assuming you know where it is," He directed the question at me.

"Outskirts of town, hidden in the outcroppings. Should be easy enough to find. Come on." I waved for them to follow me as I started to walk down the alleyway in the direction Soundbite jerked his eyestalks.

We calmly made our way through the back-alleys of Nanohana, doing our best to stick to the shadows and avoid the main streets. All the while, Ace and Luffy chatted animatedly as they caught up with each other. For the most part, I just stayed quiet and let them be. After all, this was between them, I had no right to intrude. Overall, it was shaping up to be a rather calm winding down of events...

Until Soundbite discretely bit me on the shoulder. " _Lotta guys_ WITH GUNS _and swords_ **coming our way.** _ **Not marines,"**_ he hissed.

I clicked my tongue in annoyance. Billions. Damn it, and if Soundbite IDed them by their weapons, then that meant that there were doubtless more watching us _without_ weapons, ducking Soundbite's notice. Well, at least I couldn't complain about things being _boring,_ could I?

"Hey, Cross."

"Hm? Yeah Ace?" I glanced over my shoulder at the New Worlder.

"Not that I don't appreciate what you've told us, but, well..." Ace spread his arms with a shrug. "How the _heck_ did you know everything you knew? I can accuse you all I want, but... there's just no way in hell you're from Goa, or Gray Terminal, or Dawn Island... in fact, I don't think you're from the East Blue, period. And I'm guessing from the way you were unconscious you don't have a Devil Fruit, so... how could you know about Sabo's existence in the first place?"

I hesitated as I considered whether or not to tell him then - I was going to tell him either way, it was just a question of when - before focusing on a pair of items ahead of me. I grinned eagerly as I jogged up to them. "I'll tell you what, Ace! I'll tell you how I know what I know once we get to the Merry, and some extra..." I spun around and held out two four-foot-long lengths of pipe to the brothers. "And in return, you guys show me how two-thirds of the Gray Terminal brothers get things done. Deal?"

Ace and Luffy blinked at me in confusion for a second... before visibly putting themselves into relaxed positions as I purposefully glanced at the rooftops.

"Sounds fair to me," Ace shrugged as he took one of the pipes, giving it a contemplative swing. "What about you, Luffy?"

"Weeell, it _has_ been awhile..." Luffy mused as he weighed the pipe in his hand. "I mean, I can hit a lot harder than this, you know?"

"What's wrong, little brother? Afraid you might be rusty after so long?" Ace teased.

"Heck no!" Luffy huffed indignantly. "I can kick anyone's ass any way any day! I'll kick the asses of the Baroque bastards trying to sneak up on us no problem!"

The air seemed to freeze around us as Luffy spoke those words.

Finally, Ace and I directed flat glares at him. "You moron," we chorused, each of us facepalming.

And just like that, things went _straight_ to pot as a half-dozen Billions jumped down, brandishing daggers, swords, and other sharp things. One of the Billions was even sporting spiked boots, of all things!

"No Devil Fruit abilities, okay, Luffy? We want to give these guys at least a sporting chance," Ace drawled nonchalantly as the Baroque Works agents fell.

"Sure!" Luffy said, grinning. "Wanna see who can take down the most?"

"You're on."

"Uh, guys?" I said nervously as the agents fell closer and closer.

I needn't have worried. With a mighty shout of "FORE!", Ace and Luffy swung their pipes, each of them hitting three agents and sending them flying over the buildings hemming us in.

"Who's next?" Ace taunted, tapping the pipe on his shoulder. The cocky grin on his face didn't diminish in the least as another pack of agents filled the ends of the alleyways, aiming pistols and muskets, with some sort of sword-armed leader in the back.

"Meet you there, Luffy?" Ace grinned.

"Sure!" Luffy replied, grabbing me by the waist and slinging me over his shoulder.

I sighed at the manhandling, but at this point I was pretty resigned to the fact. "Just remember that I'm _not_ bulletproof, okay?"

"Gotcha!" And with that, we were off.

Clearly, the agents had _not_ been expecting their prey to have the audacity to actually _attack_ them, because they just stared blankly as Luffy planted his sandal in the face of their leader and drove his head into the ground with a sickening crack. Behind me I could hear a similar, yet different crack that sounded suspiciously like a musket impacting a skull.

Sadly, the paralysis only lasted for a second before the agents whirled and aimed their guns back at us.

"They took out Billy!" one of them cried - actually cried, tears streaming down his cheeks and everything. "Get 'em!"

Too bad for them Luffy was already crouched right in the middle of their formation. A fact which was not terribly comforting as Luffy shifted his grip on me to a two-handed one.

"Luffy…" I said with mounting dread. "What are you-"

"Cross, go as rigid as you can," Luffy said softly, the shit-eating grin on his face not wavering a bit.

I felt the blood drain from my face. "Captain, don't you _fucking-_!"

My inner ears declared a revolution as Luffy swung me around like a goddamn polearm, my head slamming into the thankfully soft gut of one Billion as my feet hit the… well, somewhere in the torso. Then Luffy shifted his grip to my feet and slammed my shoulder blades into something once, twice, three times!

"Well, that went well," Luffy remarked as he carefully placed me down on the ground.

"Yeah, sure…" I mumbled as I wobbled around, trying to get my equilibrium. A task not helped by the massive bruise I just knew was spreading across my back and the pounding headache trying to turn my brain into mush. "Just use me as a ragdoll, it's not like I'm human, it's not like I have soft squishy bits that break when you hit things with them. It's not like-!"

" _Five-_ THIRTY!" Soundbite barked.

Acting on instinct, I whipped my right forearm up and behind my shoulder, taking _great_ satisfaction at the sound of snapping cartilage that rang out. I then proceeded to drop my arm down and jam my armored elbow into the bastard's gut. I topped it all off by spinning around and snapping my baton out in one motion, using the momentum to give the bastard what I hoped was a _very_ impressive concussion.

I grumbled darkly as I collapsed my weapon and slid it back into its place in my jacket. "Damn Baroque jackass, thinking that _and_ Strawhat could count as an easy target. Next in line for a number agent? Bull-fucking- _shit!_ And those guys you hit me with are mine too, jackass!" The last bit I directed at Luffy.

"Aww, but Cross-!" Luffy began to whine.

"You got _a dozen,_ let me have _some_ measure of pride!"

"Aww, let your third mate have some credit, Luffy!" Ace laughed as he walked back up to us, happily spinning his pipe at his side. "After all, a dozen or sixteen, it doesn't matter: it's nothing when compared to my twenty!"

Both Luffy and I deflated as we stared flatly at Ace.

"He's _really_ good at making someone feel insignificant, isn't he?" I asked flatly.

"You haven't seen anything yet," Luffy groaned. He then grinned as he hefted his pipe eagerly. "Still, either way, thanks a lot for suggesting this, Cross! It's been awhile since I used a pipe, I forgot just how fun it is!"

"Yeah, same here!" Ace laughed nostalgically. "Guess it goes to show that sometimes you need to get back to the basics!"

"Hey, if you've got a skill, best to use it instead of forget it, right?" I shrugged with a grin. "Well, anyways, if that's the last of them-"

"HEY! YOU! Yes, you, you bastards!" came a voice from up the street. We all turned our heads to see another pack of Billions, these ones manning a pretty large cannon. "You're going down, for my promotion, my comrades, and my promotion!"

"Christ on a pikestaff, how many of these guys does that sand bastard have?" I groaned.

" _The Millions are 1800 strong, while the Billions are 200 strong,"_ Soundbite recited in Vivi's voice.

"Oh, right..." I groaned wearily. "Well, where do you think he got all these guys, then? Thugs-R-Us?"

"Funny you should mention that, that's the name of a bar back in the outskirts of Goa!" Ace commented. "Great atmosphere, but the clientele's a bit-"

"STOP IGNORING US, DAMMIT!" the lead Billion finally yelled, pulling the string trigger and firing the cannon straight at Ace, Luffy and I being largely out of the line of fire.

"So, does he forfeit his points if he turns into fire?" I asked Luffy.

"I say yes," Luffy replied.

"Don't count your winnings just yet," Ace countered, still smirking. "I've got something I wanna try."

Holding up his arms, Ace _caught_ the cannonball, letting his arms carry the ball to his chest.

And then he was promptly blown back a few dozen feet into a stack of barrels by the momentum transfer.

"Ow," Ace groaned as he hauled himself out of the pile. "Damn it, how does Gramps do that?!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" I cackled eagerly, doubling over and slapping my knee. "Oh my _god_ that was _priceless!"_

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion as he looked at Ace. "What're you guys talking about?"

I fought to get my laughter under control as I pointed at Ace. "H-he was trying to act like Garp and catch the cannonball! But he failed _miserably!_ HAHAHA!"

"Ooooh..." Luffy nodded slowly in understanding.. before falling on his back and _roaring._ "HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! THAT'S HILARIOUS! HAHAH-ERK!"

Both Luffy and I froze as a wave of heat and _presence_ swept over us.

"I suggest you _all_ start running. _Now,"_ Ace snarled viciously.

Luffy and I glanced at one another for a moment... before taking to our heels and bolting out of the alleyway, leaving the paralyzed cannon-wielding Billions where they were standing.

If the screams of agony that followed us was any indication, _they_ didn't manage to escape ground zero.

"So, to confirm, where before mentioning his daddy issues would get me a beating, now they'll get me charbroiled?" I panted desperately.

"Looks like it!" Luffy nodded in agreement. "Now less talking, _more running!"_

And so we ran, tearing through the backstreets of Nanohana as we made our way back to our friends.

 **-o-**

"So. Luffy."

"Eeyup," Luffy nodded in acknowledgment.

"Cross."

"Yo," I drawled, flashing a peace sign.

"Soundbite."

" **DAT'S MY NAME,** _don't wear it out,"_ Soundbite deadpanned.

"Ace, right?"

"Milady," Ace tipped his hat respectfully.

"So!" Vivi clapped her hands together with a sense of finality. "You all got separated from us in the confusion and had to make your way back to the Merry, which you successfully accomplished, right?"

"Yup."

" **Uh-huh!"**

"Right."

"That is correct."

"And you had to fight your way past a rather… sizable force of Billions, correct?"

"A little over... what, sixty by the end of it, all told? Maybe more? Either way, Baroque Works has lost the cream of its crop below the Agents," I summarized.

"Mmhmm, I see..." Vivi nodded solemnly. "And you also had more than a few clashes with the Marines, correct?"

"They kept running into us, so we had to kick their asses, yeah," Luffy nodded.

"I see, I see..." Vivi nodded anew. "All this, I understand perfectly well. It all makes sense, it's perfectly logical... I just have one question for you four."

She jabbed a finger off the side of the Merry at the inferno that was still raging in the heart of Nanohana. "WHY THE HELL IS THE CITY ON _FIRE!?"_

Luffy and I pointed at Ace, a motion Soundbite mimicked with his eyestalk. "He did it," we chorused without remorse.

"Guilty as charged, my temper kind of got the better of me. Sorry?" Ace chuckled sheepishly.

If the way the rest of the crew facepalmed and Vivi's scarlet face steadily darkened to _purple,_ that apology was neither the appropriate answer, nor was it appreciated.

Still, as it was, we were already ten feet deep. Why not burrow in deeper?

"If it's any consolation..." I spoke up tentatively. "There _is_ a bright side. Besides the flames, I mean."

At that moment, I became acutely aware of just how 'royal' Vivi was. After all, only someone with a _lot_ of perrsonal authority at her fingertips could successfully make someone flinch by merely _looking_ at them. "What. Bright side?" she ground out.

"Weeell..." I shrugged carelessly. "Now when Mr.2 and the Mr. 1 team burn the city to the ground, they'll cause a lot less damage? Because, you know, the fire already did most of the-!"

THWACK!

"-GAH!" I cried out as my head snapped back from the blow. I hastily pinched my nose shut as I felt a hot liquid run down my chin. "Son ob a-! You know, for a bacivist, you've god a _mean_ punch! Also, for fug's sake, why is everyone going bor my head today?!"

"Is there anything _else_ you'd care to mention about Baroque Works' plans?" Vivi hissed irately.

I froze for a moment before glancing up at her. "Bomb cabable of ebiscerating all ob Alubarna hidden in da Sand-Sand Clan's headquarters?"

Vivi's eye twitched furiously for a moment until she let out a tired sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Remind me why you're not telling us these pertinent things until we ask again?"

"Begause- Ergh, one second..." I pinched my unclogged nostril shut and blew a wad of blood and mucus out the other. "Ah, that's much better. Anyways, it's because A. Luffy would get pissed if I blabbed, and B. things worked out fine when they happened without my involvement. If I can make some things better, fine, but as for the rest, my personal opinion is thus: _Laissez les bon temps rouler."_

"Normal people don't consider rebellions 'good times', Cross," Vivi groaned as she massaged her aching temples.

"For the record, just how much has your presence changed already?" Sanji put in.

"Mmm, let's see..." I started counting off on my fingers. "I got Bartolomeo to go out to sea at _least_ two years early, I've been talking shit with Smoker, that's gotta be doing something, I kept Luffy from snapping off Merry's main mast, I kicked Whiskey Peak off early, the Little Garden Affair was, well, the Little Garden Affair, and I took Nami's place at Death's doorstep." I glanced at Soundbite. "Am I forgetting anything?"

The snail rolled his eyes with a sigh. " _Besides the obvious? No, you got it all."_

Ace whistled in awe. "Okay, I'll be the first to admit: that's impressive. _I'd_ think you were me!"

" _Thank you!"_

"So, moving on?" I queried innocently.

"Just..." Vivi held her hand up with a sigh. "Are you not mentioning anything else, Cross?"

"Why? It's not like my actions will slowly and irreversibly change everything I know," I snarked, before freezing and facepalming as I processed what I'd just said. "Okay, in my defense, I've taken a lot of blows to the head today." I held my position for a moment as I thought things over before looking Vivi dead in the eye.

"No, I am not neglecting to mention anything else," I calmly lied through my teeth. "Now, can I go and clean the blood off my... everything? Seriously, I've got at least a liter on me that isn't mine and a pint that is."

Vivi sighed in relief and nodded, waving her hand for me to go.

The second I was behind her back, I shot a _look_ at Nami and Zoro. If the stares I got back were anything to go by, they understood perfectly that we needed to talk later.

And they weren't the only ones I had to talk to. Once I was sure the trapdoor to the guys' room was shut, I tapped my ear. "Ace, and keep it quiet." A moment's wait and I heard the whine. "Get away from everyone when you can and meet me down here, quietly. We need to talk."

It was a true testament to Ace's skills and abilities as a Logia when, ten minutes later, a stream of fire slid through the Going Merry's planks and into the room, swiftly solidifying into a familiar corporeal form.

I glanced up at the planks contemplatively before whistling in awe. "Goddamn, and not even so much as a scorch mark. It's official: while the overconfident idiots might die young, true-blue New World-grade Logia are _terrifying."_

"Thanks for the compliment," Ace nodded gratefully. "Now then, you wanted to talk?"

I winced and started scratching the back of my head uncomfortably. "Yeah... listen, Ace... fair warning: you're going to want to turn me into a briquet just as much as before, and with just as much reason. But this time... I am begging you to hear me out."

Ace stared at me silently for a second before tilting his hat down solemnly. "That bad?"

"Perhaps even worse."

The Division Commander was silent for a moment before nodding. "I'm a mature adult, I can take it. Hit me."

"Right, right..." I pursed my lips before sighing and speaking. "Alright, I'll make this short and sweet: you need to either _seriously_ rethink your strategy for dealing with Blackbeard or abandon this crusade flat out, because if you _don't_ , then I guarantee you that you, Whitebeard, and the Whitebeard Pirates as a crew _will die."_

Ace visibly _flinched,_ the temperature of the room spiking as he visibly _fought_ against his entire being in an attempt to keep from jumping across the room and doing _something_ unspeakable to me. He fumed silently for a moment before glaring darkly at me. "Talk fast."

I sighed in _immense_ relief before hastily collecting my thoughts and dredging up the argument I'd come up with. "Marshall D. Teach might seem like a fat bastard, and he really _is_ one, but the truth of the matter is that he's a fat bastard who is leaps and bounds above your weight class. He's a genius tactician capable of utilizing grand strategy and... I think game theory? Point is, his mind is as vicious as his powers, and the Dark Dark fruit is terrifying enough as it is. If you try and take him on in a straight fight, you will get your ass _handed_ to you."

Ace opened his mouth, to say something, but I swiftly held my hand up. I then slowly pointed at my left eye. "He scarred Shanks," I stated firmly. " _Before_ he got his Devil Fruit. Before Shanks lost his freaking _arm._ Whether it was before or after Shanks became an Emperor, I don't know, and in the end it doesn't matter. To this day, Shanks is wary of him. He's even going to go to Whitebeard, with a _gift,_ in order to get him to order you back. Whitebeard will refuse... and that will be a fatal mistake."

Ace swallowed heavily as he mulled what I said over. "How... how will him killing me do anything but bring the Whitebeards down on his head?"

I bowed my head solemnly. "Because he won't kill you. He'll hand you over to the Marines so as to become a Warlord. He becomes a Warlord, he gains access to Impel Down. He gains access to Impel Down, he gains access to a _meat market_ of the vilest, evillest, most down and out monstrous specimens of humanity this world has to offer. He'll have access... to the perfect members of his crew.

"Do you see what I'm saying here? The Marines _will_ try and execute you. They will effectively declare _war_ on Whitebeard, and he will respond with gusto. That fight will rock the world to its core, to its very _foundation._ It will be known as the War of the Best, and it will change the very face of this planet. All because Blackbeard wanted a recruitment drive. Do you _really_ think that you can deal with someone like that alone and come out on top? That anybody can!?"

Mercifully, Ace's expression showed the appropriate amount of fear. Unfortunately, however, he also had a glint of stubborn, stupid, _braindead_ pride and duty in his eyes that made me curse furiously.

"Son of a-! Goddamnit man, _you died in Luffy's fucking arms!"_

 _That_ got a jolt out of him. "No no no, you _can't_ let him get close to that kind of a shitshow, you need to stop him-!"

"Stop him!?" I demanded, flinging my arms out wide. "For the love of god, Impel Down couldn't stop him, the full force of the fucking _Marines_ couldn't stop him, _nothing_ stopped him from getting to you, from rescuing you! He fought as long and hard as he could until you were home-fucking-free! What the hell do you think _I_ could do to stop that!?"

Ace made to respond, then hesitated. "Wait... if we were really home free, then how-?"

"You were killed by the exact same thing that's driving you headfirst to death now!" I snarled as I jabbed him in the chest. "Lethal amounts of _fucking bullshit pride!_ You couldn't stand listening to Akainu badmouth Whitebeard, you couldn't suck it up for _ten fucking seconds_ and you died because of it!"

The Flame-man's face screwed up in anger. "Hey, Whitebeard-!"

"Yes, Edward Newgate is practically a living saint, I know that, you know that, a majority of the freaking _New World_ knows that!" I spat. "And the words of an arrogant, vile _blowhard_ of a volcano will never, _ever_ do anything to change that! And because you couldn't accept that, because you had so little faith in your captain, your _father..."_ I snarled directly in Ace's face. "You died. In Luffy's. _Arms._ He blacked out and went on a grief-stricken rampage for almost a day! Sabo read about it in a newspaper, remembered everything, and went into a coma for _three!"_

Ace opened his mouth-

 _FWOOSH!_

-and I reduced it to a cloud of flames as I whiffed my hand through it. It didn't hurt him, but at least it shut him up.

"Luffy blamed himself," I hissed irately, _so_ far past the point of calm at this point. "He fucking _blamed himself._ He _questioned_ himself. He said he was _weak._ He questioned... how someone as weak as him... could ever be King of the Pirates."

That did it. I could see it in Ace's eyes: the hurt, the shock, the misery... I hadn't managed to kill the flame of vengeance, no, I had no illusions of that... but at least now there was a seed of doubt in his determination, one that he _couldn't_ ignore.

Ace was deathly silent for what felt like an eternity before looking at me with a mix of emotions. "I can't let Blackbeard go free," he stated, though this time it was more with resignation than conviction.

I resisted the urge to punch him again in favor of sighing in relief at what progress we'd made. "And honestly, that's fine by me. I want that bastard as dead as you do. Just... all I'm asking is that you go in neither halfcocked... nor alone. Call in the rest of the Whitebeards, find Sabo in the Revolutionaries and ask Dragon for help, swing by Fishman Island and talk to Jinbei, call in favors from Big Mom, Kaidou, Shanks, hell, call _Garp_ for backup if you need to, just get some freaking help! If you fight alone, then you're screwed. If you fight with someone at your side..." I spread my arms helplessly. "I can't guarantee victory, not against him... but I can at least say with confidence that you stand a _chance._ Get me?"

Ace contemplated things for a second before nodding slowly. "Whitey Bay and Squardo are both maneuvering on this side of the Red Line, raiding trade ships heading to Mariejois." He grimaced uncomfortably. "It'll take awhile for them to backtrack this far into Paradise, Blackbeard's trail could grow cold..."

I hid my wince at Squardo's name within a disgusted sneer. "Believe me, the trail Teach leaves behind is a mile wide and scorched to hell and back. You won't miss it anytime soon. And if you really want to be sure, I can give you the island he'll probably be at by the time you get everyone together."

Ace's eyebrows shot up in shock. "That... would definitely help, yeah."

I nodded in agreement and started racking my brain. "It's, ah... ah geeze, it was a minor location, not that important, um... it had an old-western style to it, wooden buildings and whatnot, the people were wearing cowboy hats and ponchos, I think. I... think it was named like a fruit?"

"Banaro Island?" Ace asked slowly.

I snapped my fingers in triumph. " _That's_ the one! He'll be there when- well, no unnecessary spoilers, captain's orders, but suffice to say that when Luffy's bounty skyrockets - a second time, anyways - Blackbeard will be on Banaro Island. _That's_ where you can find him and the other monsters following him."

Ace's grin became truly _vicious._

"Hey, hey!" I jabbed my finger up firmly. "No going after him until _after_ Whitey and Squardo are with you, Ace. If you face him alone, I _guarantee_ you that your days on this planet will be numbered. Understand?" I didn't wait for him to respond. "Swear to me on your pride as a Whitebeard Pirate that you won't go after him alone, Ace."

"Hey, I-!"

" _Swear it!"_ I demanded.

Ace grimaced painfully for a moment before nodding solemnly. "I... I swear on my pride that I won't go after Blackbeard alone. Happy?"

I nodded and smiled contentedly. "Very much so. Now, let's rejoin everyone else on deck, shall we? Oh, and please, use the ladder. I know your control is impressive, but this is still a wooden ship."

Ace nodded in agreement and promptly scaled the ladder.

The second he pushed the hatch open, I snapped my fingers. "Amp." And there was the whine. " _Hey Luffy, just FYI, if Ace tries to fight Blackbeard alone, then I can guarantee you that he's gonna die!"_ I cocked an eyebrow at the betrayed look Ace shot me. "What? I never swore jack shit, and if I lie to my crew then it's for a reason I've guaranteed is a good one. Your dumbass macho pride sure as hell doesn't count."

"Oh you son of a-!" Before Ace could finish his sentence, Luffy grabbed him by his shoulders and yanked him out.

I chuckled as I listened to Luffy wail and rage furiously up above. Ahh, brotherly love. Too bad my only sibling was a snot-nosed shit who I _far_ from missed, but eh, that was neither here nor there.

I blinked as a thought struck me. "HEY, ACE!" I called up. "IF YOU'VE GOT TIME, THINK YOU COULD LEAVE US SOME INSTRUCTIONS ON A HAKI TRAINING REGIMEN? OH, AND I MEAN ALL THREE! LUFFY'S GOT _THAT ONE_ TOO!"

Maybe it was wishful thinking, but I was _pretty_ certain that the string of curses Ace shot at me was an affirmative.

I shot a satisfied grin at Soundbite. "I think that went pretty damn well, all things considered. You?"

" **We ain't** _ **COOKIN' WITH EVIL GAS**_ _in our own skins._ I'LL TAKE IT!" Soundbite nodded in agreement.

"In-deed, my friend, in-deed," I nodded back, a relaxed grin on my face. "Today... is a good day."

 **-o-**

" _YOU GRAVEL-MUNCHING SALT-HUFFING MARINE-LOVING RAT-BASTARD!"_ I roared furiously at Ace's form as it departed into the sunset. That fucking asshat had just fucking _screwed_ me, and after all I'd done for him too!"

"I don't see what you're so upset about, Cross," Zoro mused as he stood next to me, looking over the paper Ace had spent a full five minutes poring over, one I had _really_ pinned a lot of hopes on. "These instructions make sense to me."

I shot a vicious glare at the swordsman. To be specific, I tried to immolate the paper he was holding with both my mind and my eyes. "Oh yeah, they're spot on, alright!" I growled as I snatched the paper out of his hands. "Color of Observation," I tore the paper in two. "Listen really hard! Color of Armament," I tore it into quarters. "Concentrate _willpower_ really hard! Conqueror's _fucking_ spirit!?" I jabbed the paper at Soundbite, allowing him to shred it into _fragments._ "'HELL IF I KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS JUST GONE WITH MY FUCKING _GUT!'_ RAAAAAAGH!"

"So I take it you're angry," Zoro summarized flatly.

I opened my mouth to shout more... then clicked it shut as I heard a sound that was a _lot_ like barking coming from the coastline we were anchored to. I grinned viciously as I wheeled around, tore across the deck and _leapt_ overboard at the first dugong I caught sight of. "HELLO GUILT-FREE TARGET!" I roared.

As was to be expected, I got my ass kicked, _hard._ But, in my defense, I'm _fairly_ certain that lasting three minutes against a species that has the words 'kung fu' as part of their name is at least _remotely_ decent. The way the dugong was shaking his head and nursing a few bruises of his own was pretty gratifying, though.

I winced slightly as I peeled myself off the rocks before shooting a savage grin at the animal. "Not bad... best two out of three?"

The dugong blinked at me in surprise before shooting back a grin of his own. "Bring it on, fu!" he huffed in a halfway stereotypical Chinese accent.

I shot a _look_ at Soundbite. "That's racist." If the way he laughed was anything to go by, then he couldn't give an absolute damn.

However, before we could truly get back into a brawl, the dugong's attention was diverted by more pressing matters. More specifically, by Luffy _pummeling_ another dugong into the ground with a single blow.

"Holy crap, he just took down the chief, fu!" the dugong I'd just fought breathed in awe.

"He must be an amazing warrior, fu!"

"We must learn from him, jutsu!"

"The hell happened to the 'fu'!?" I wondered, more to myself than anyone else.

"Please teach us, master, fu!" a crowd of dugongs asked Luffy as they bowed before him.

"Oh god..." Vivi groaned miserably as she slapped her hand to her face.

"Don't worry, I've got this," I reassured her before stepping in front of Luffy and addressing the animals. "Honorable kung-fu dugongs! While on any other day there would be no issue with Luffy training you all in how to fight, I am afraid that now is _not_ the time! We have urgent business in Yuba, which is situated in the center of the desert! You're all hardy, of that I have no doubt, but not even _you_ can pretend to fare well against the ravages of the sands, can you?"

The dugongs milled about uneasily as they talked amongst themselves.

"Besides," I went on with a shrug. "The fact of the matter is that you wouldn't get much use out of training with Luffy anyway. His fighting style is dependent upon his Devil Fruit, and his strength is a product of his lifestyle! If you truly want to become stronger, then it's my opinion that you'll need to see about leaving where you feel most safe and venturing out into uncharted waters. Quite literally!" I jabbed my thumb at the Going Merry. "Personally, I suggest a skull and crossbones. That would all but _guarantee_ you a slew of challenges the likes of which you've never even dreamt of."

More murmuring from the dugongs, though this sounded a lot more positive than before.

I grinned eagerly at the discussion I was hearing, and not even the exasperated stare Nami was giving me was doing much to dampen my mood. "Seriously?" she asked in a deadpan. "The guys told me about Bartolomeo; what is it with you and trying to make people pirates?"

I shrugged with a chuckle. "Hey, in my honest opinion, the more people who oppose the World Government even tangentially, the better. 'Sides..." I frowned slightly. "This isn't just pleasure, it's business: a long-term investment. With or without the War of the Best, the world is _still_ winding up. Big players are bracing themselves, weapons are getting primed and readied... end of the day, a storm _is_ coming in the long run, and the more people we have on our side, the better. And if Bartolomeo or these guys can make it," I nodded at the dugongs. "Then they'll be invaluable in the future."

Nami hummed contemplatively as she looked the animals over. "It's a hell of a gamble."

"Yeah, but if it's not high-stakes then it's not fun. Now, if you'll excuse me..." I cleared my throat and regained the dugong's attention. "Now then, if you _still_ want some form of instruction or training, I can gladly give it to you!" I pointed at our ship. "That vessel is the Going Merry! She's very important to us, and we would greatly appreciate it if you were to take care of her for us. If at all possible, I'd request that you tow her up the Sandora River and guard her from all trespassers who might seek to do her harm! Agreed?"

Another brief moment of conference, followed by the dugongs pumping their fists with a cheer of "AYE-AYE, FU!"

And that was that. The rest of the crew worked on removing our supplies from the Merry while the dugongs got ready to start towing.

Once I was sure that no one was looking, I tapped one of them on their shoulder and bent down next to it discreetly. "If a man wearing women's clothes comes looking for the Merry, let him on board. He'll say he's a friend and he won't be lying. Got it?"

The dugong nodded in acknowledgement. "I'll spread the word, fu."

I nodded gratefully at him before wandering over to the rest of the crew. "So!" I grinned as I clapped my hands. "Shall we go?"

"Yeah!" Luffy started to nod before stiffening. "Ah! No, wait, I almost forgot something!"

We rolled our eyes in exasperation as Luffy jumped back onto the Merry, rummaging around for something before finally jumping off, a giant grin plastered on his face. "Okay, now we can go!"

Everyone else stared at the prize Luffy had affixed to his back while I merely grinned in acknowledgement. "Back to the most basic of the basics, huh?"

Luffy chuckled as he reaffirmed his grip on the pipe he had slung across his back. "Yup! I forgot how much fun it was to use before, so I don't want to forget again, you know?"

"Fair enough!" I nodded in agreement.

"Well, if that's everything..." Vivi turned and started walking into the desert. "It's best we get started. It's a long ways to Yuba."

And so we started our trek, marching through the sands and heat.

I made sure to slow my pace enough that I trailed at the back of our little caravan. I didn't have to wait long before Nami and Zoro joined me in turn.

"What didn't you tell Vivi, Cross?" Nami asked me under her breath.

I shook my head solemnly. "Vivi expects to find a thriving oasis and over six hundred thousand rebels who she can talk down." I sighed heavily. "What awaits us is a dried out husk of a town and one stubborn old man."

Zoro grunted darkly. "And where would the rebels be now?"

"Katorea. A small trading town north of Nanohana."

"What!?" Nami hissed incredulously as she grabbed my shoulder. "Why didn't you tell her!?"

"Because Vivi thinks that Crocodile's plan is merely a venomous snake whose head she can cut off when in reality it's anything _but,"_ I shot back. "The truth is that Crocodile's spent years developing and growing a full-blown _hydra._ We cut off the head, two more will pop up in its place, ready to bite us in our asses. Sure, Vivi could _easily_ talk down Kohza, but that wouldn't do any _good._ There are Baroque Works soldiers in the rebels _and_ the royal army alike, so even _if_ we got either side to roll over and unconditionally surrender, those sleeper agents would just open fire and start everything up again.

"If we really, _really_ want this whole mess to end, then there's only one viable option. One possible way to well and truly kill a hydra: burn the stumps, stab the heart, grind its core to _dust."_

"Or, in other words," Nami said slowly, looking like she'd bit into a lemon. "Luffy's plan is the right one."

"Kick Crocodile's ass and dismantle his organization," Zoro summarized flatly.

"Not even that complicated," I shrugged. "Crocodile's arrogant as all hell. He doesn't think it's possible for him to lose and he's structured Baroque Works in such a manner. We take him down, everything else will grind to a halt without him. It's _that_ easy."

"But Vivi won't accept it because people will get hurt..." Nami stated as she stared at her friend's back.

"Because _we'll_ get hurt, Nami, no need to sugarcoat it," I corrected her. "And frankly, that's not her call. We've come this far, and we'll go as far as we need to to see this done."

Zoro nodded in agreement before giving me a sidelong glance. "Vivi won't be happy, you know."

I shook my head with a flat tsk. "If her anger is the price of a thousand thousand lives, then I'm more than willing to pay it."

"Fair enough," Zoro shrugged.

"I suppose..." Nami sighed. "In the end, I guess it's _your_ mess... still, I do have _one_ question."

"Hm?" I glanced at her curiously.

Nami gave me a flat glare as she held up the edge of her coat and displayed a rather... _form fitting_ outfit, if I did say so myself.

" _HUBBA HUBBA!"_ Soundbite whooped eagerly.

"Personally, I think you're more an autumn than... what is that, a winter? But eh, it looks good either way," I grinned cheekily.

Nami snarled darkly as she let her robes drop. "What the _hell_ were you thinking when you all but told Sanji to _specifically_ get these outfits!?"

My grin widened a few molars. "I appreciate Alabasta's rich culture?" THWACK! "Agh, bitch!" I winced and clutched my throbbing arm. "Why are you so annoyed anyways!? You didn't mind that much in the story!"

"And if it was just Sanji being Sanji, I _wouldn't_ mind!" Nami snarled. "But now that _you're_ involved in this, it's a _whole_ different paradigm! Now _talk!"_ She brandished her fist menacingly.

"Alright, alright, geeze!" I held my hands up in surrender. "If you really _must_ know..." I drew myself up and gave her the most solemn look I could manage. "The outfits you and Vivi are wearing? They are _directly_ intertwined with the fate of Alabasta. Should you not wear them, then all is lost."

Nami blinked in surprise before looking down at herself contemplatively. "Well... alright. If you say so."

And with that, she accelerated slightly and got back into the midst of our group.

I held my solemn expression for all of ten seconds before allowing myself to grin like a madman.

"That outfit isn't important at all, is it," Zoro grunted.

"Oh, it is, it is!" I hastily reassured him. "Just..." My grin widened further. " _Not_ for the reasons she thinks."

Zoro and Soundbite chuckled in amusement.

"I don't know why I expected anything less, Cross."

" _She gon'_ **keel** YOU, _**boi!"**_

"Ah, but what a way to go..."

"Gaaaah, it's _hoooot!"_

We were drawn out of our conversation by Luffy letting out a piteous whine.

"How much longer is it gonna be until we get there?"

"I'm afraid it's going to be a while, Luffy," Vivi stated with a sigh. "All we can do is keep going forwards."

"Take heart, captain!" I reassured Luffy as I jogged up to him and patted him on his shoulder, staring out into the desert. "It's going to be long and hard, but none can deny the truth: we're on the last leg of our journey. At this point, nothing can stop us now."

Luffy was silent for a moment as he contemplated that. As he stared out into the vastness. Stared into the future, stared at the war to come. The struggle that lay before us.

"...but it's still going to be long and hot, huh?"

"As though god were punishing us from on high."

"Awwww..."


	18. Chapter 17 - Alabasta Pt 3

**Chapter 17**

"Hooooot..."

"We know, Luffy..."

"Sooo hooot..."

"We know."

"I'm out of sweeeeat..."

"WE KNOW!"

I sighed and wiped my forehead. However repetitive, damn if Luffy wasn't right. It was _stupid_ hot, and worse, it wasn't the kind of heat I was used to. Florida was hot, sure, but at least the humidity kept you _somewhat_ hydrated. Here in Alabasta? Not only was it even _hotter_ than Florida, which I almost hadn't believed possible, it was _dry_ heat. It was like an oven, and much like a cake, I could almost feel myself drying out.

Still, at least I was better off than the rest of the crew.

"Uuuuuuuugh…"

Especially Chopper. Poor guy was entirely out of commission, lying on one of the sleds. It certainly didn't help that he smelled _disturbingly_ delicious as well.

I winced as my foot slipped slightly in the sand as I tried to balance the share of supplies I was carrying. I was _especially_ cursing the fact that I had had the foresight to grab the water from Luffy. Upside, we wouldn't dry out like raisins. Downside? Holy _shit_ this stuff was stupid heavy!

When I'd mentioned that to Zoro, he'd just laughed and said it was good training. It'd taken Vivi and Usopp's combined efforts to keep me from breaking the cask over his skull. Apparently _they_ didn't think dehydration was a worthy price like I did.

"I hope we reach those crags soon, or else I'm going to use _someone's_ skin to make a freaking tent..." I growled to myself.

" _ **I'LL HELP!"**_ Soundbite hollered in agreement, his voice only _slightly_ muffled by the water barrel. I'd been forced to stash him there within a few minutes of us hitting the desert. It was either that or listen to a _third_ rerun of 'Disco Inferno', and I was _not_ going to going through that again if I could help it.

"Don't worry Cross, you'll be fine," Vivi patted my shoulder reassuringly. "I know the desert might _seem_ daunting, but there's really nothing to fear."

I started to absentmindedly nod in agreement. Then I froze as I actually _heard_ what she said. My eye twitched furtively for a scant moment before I turned my head to shoot a sickly grin at the princess.

"Nothing... to fear... in the desert," I repeated slowly. "Is that right? Is that what you just said?"

Vivi blinked in confusion at my tone. "Um... yes, that's right, why?"

I immediately came to a halt as I grabbed the collar of her cloak.

"Nothing, nothing at all, absolutely _nothing_ to fear whatsoever- LUFFY, DON'T EAT THAT!" I barked viciously.

"I wasn't doin' nuffin'!" Luffy mumbled out around his stuffed cheeks until Sanji kicked his stomach and forced him to spit our supplies out. "JERKS!"

"So again, to reiterate," I glared at Vivi viciously. "Nothing, is that right?"

"Ah..." Vivi leaned away from me, confused and nervous in the face of my vehemence. "Yes, nothing! Why? What's this about!?"

It might have been the heat playing holy hell with me, but I swear that I felt _something_ snap in the back of my mind then and there as I plastered a _thoroughly_ sickly grin on my face. "Ooooh, nothing, nothing..." I crooned sweetly. "I'm just thinking that the story I read must have been in a _different_ desert. After all, such a _safe_ desert such as this one wouldn't have such dangers as hallucinogenic cacti that could throw Luffy into a rampage, hmm?"

Vivi blinked in confusion for a moment before stiffening slightly with a stricken expression. "Ah..."

"Nor would this fine, _fine_ ecosystem house such deadly, _deadly_ creatures as the spider known as the Desert Strawberry, hmmmm?"

Sweat started coursing down Vivi's face, and it had legitimately _nothing_ to do with the heat. "I, um, ah..."

"And of course, those vicious, _vicious_ Bandit Birds that con people, ah, no, not people," I jabbed my finger at Luffy. " _Suckers,_ birds that con _suckers,_ out of their supplies and leave them to _die of starvation,_ must be from the _other_ Alabastan Kingdom, HMM?"

Vivi's expression started to take on a sickly blue tone. "I-I-I, ah, t-that is to say-!"

"And of course, the TEN-TON MAN-EATING LIZARD MONSTERS THAT BURY THEMSELVES IN THE FUCKING SAND MUST BE AS CUDDLY AS FUCKING PUPPIES, _HMMMM!?"_

" _GROOOARGH!"_

One of the nearby dunes erupted as one of said lizard monsters roared into view, snarling and hissing at us viciously.

"SCREW OFF, SCALE-ASS, NOBODY ASKED YOU!" I snarled as my jabbed my finger at the reptile.

The Sandora Dragon paused as it blinked in shock. It took a moment to glance around in confusion before slowly pointing at itself. "GRO?"

"YES, YOU!" I shouted furiously. "I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING TIME FOR YOU RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW, I'M TOO BUSY CHEWING OUT THIS KIND BUT DITZY PRINCESS FOR ALMOST GETTING US ALL- ah screw it I'm sick of this conversation, alright guys, sic 'im."

"GRORGH!?"

"GUM-GUM BAZOOKA!"

"THREE-SWORD STYLE! DRAGON TWISTER!"

"EPAULE SPRAWL!"

We all watched in unequal parts awe and exasperation as the trio assaulted the Sandoran Dragon. For longer than was strictly necessary, the sound of combat was all there was to be heard.

Finally, Vivi broke the monotony by giving me a bemused look. "Ditzy?"

"You forgot that you had baby Godzillas in your backyard, woman!"

"First, I don't know what a 'godzilla' is, and second, in my defense, thanks to the Supersonic Duck Squadron, it usually doesn't take long for the royal family to travel through the desert, so at _most_ I've heard about all of those things from Pell and Chaka."

I opened my mouth to respond... then slowly shut it. "That... is quite possibly a fair point."

"BULL _-SHIT_ _ **IT IS!"**_ Soundbite roared.

At long last, the carnage ended as the reptilian corpse was slammed into the sand, throwing up a sizable cloud of dust.

"Couldn't they have just scared it off?" Usopp lamented.

"Against those three at once?" Nami deadpanned. "That poor monster didn't stand a chance."

I nodded in agreement. Poor bastard. As I watched, though, I saw Luffy's mouth moving from atop the corpse. Frowning, I tapped Soundbite's shell. "Hey, what's Luffy saying?"

There was the familiar whine of Soundbite's power, and Luffy's voice started filtering through the transceiver.

" _Hey, do you think we could eat this?"_

I couldn't help but chuckle at that. Classic Luffy.

A few hours (or was it days? Years? _Decades?_ In all likelihood, it was half an hour, tops. This heat was playing high holy hell with my head) later, after marching through the massive dunes and unerring heat, a shadow came into view in the distance.

I shaded my eyes, squinting towards the horizon. "Are those the crags, or is that just another wishful mirage of Walmart?"

"Superior mirages don't happen in deserts, not during the day," Nami muttered under her breath. At the questioning look I gave her, she sighed and slipped into lecturing mode. "Okay, there are two kinds of mirages, superior and inferior. Only superior mirages will produce the image of an actual object, but they require a layer of cold air under a layer of warm air, so a desert, with its hot ground, will not produce a superior mirage. Besides, even if it was a superior mirage, the object would still be real, just hidden under the horizon. So, to answer your question: yes, those are most likely crags. Water, please?"

"Thank you for the educational experience, Bill Nye," I chuckled as I handed the barrel over to her.

Nami cocked an eyebrow at me as she took a mouthful. "Who?"

"Bill Nye the Science-!"

" _BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL!"_

"GAH!" Nami yelped in shock, nearly dropping the barrel as Soundbite suddenly hollered from within the barrel, forcing me to grab it. "Son of a- You'd better not have gotten any of your mucus in that, you little slug!"

" _ **Who me?**_ _Couldn't be!"_

"Don't worry, I made sure that there's a layer of cloth between him and the water so that he doesn't drown or contaminate it," I reassured her hastily.

"Uh, wait, I'm confused..." Luffy spoke up from the back of the group where he was hauling the majority of our supplies, following a rousing round of 'Because we said so, that's why!' "So are those real rocks or just a mystery mirage?"

I grabbed the back of Nami's cloak before she could attempt to strangle Luffy, giving Usopp a weary look. "Well?"

"Umm..." The sniper drew down one of his goggles' lenses and adjusted it a bit before grinning in relief. "Looks like real rocks, guys!"

"REALLY? WOOHOO! BREAKTIME!" Luffy roared eagerly as he made to dash ahead.

"HOLD IT!" I bellowed as I held my hand out in a 'stop' motion.

Everyone instantly froze, holding their breaths in anticipation.

I hastily darted over to Luffy's sled and sat on top of the supplies before giving his shoulder a pat. "Okay, now go!"

" _MUSH,_ RUBBER-BRAIN!" Soundbite concurred.

"YOU GOT IT!" Luffy bellowed as he continued his reckless dash.

"WAIT A SECOND!" Everyone screamed after us, but to no avail on account of how Luffy was already _long_ gone.

"WOO H- _Acksplt!"_ I started to cheer before I ate a spray of sand to the face. Son of a _bitch,_ was _nothing_ actually fun in reality!?

Thankfully, within several minutes of the mad dash starting, it ended with Luffy coming to a halt in the shade. I had no idea how a bit of shadow could change things so much, but somehow it did.

Luffy apparently agreed with me, if the way he fell to the ground and rolled about contentedly was anything to go by. " _Shaaaade!_ Oh wow, this feels _sooo_ good!"

"Tell me about it..." I wheezed out as I worked the sand out of my everywhere.

"Ahh, I think I'm gonna stay here- hm? AGH! CROSS! LOOK AT ALL THESE BIRDS!"

"Huh?" I cracked my eyes open and took in the half-dozen haggard birds splayed across the sand. "Oh, yeah, would you look at that?"

"I gotta get Chopper, maybe he can save them!"

"Or, or!" I cut in hastily. "You can get _Sanji_ instead, and we can enjoy a _very_ delicious meal of roast poultry. Tell me, what sounds more appealing to you?"

Luffy was silent for a moment as he contemplated things before grinning eagerly, drool trailing from the corner of his mouth. "Good thinking, Cross!"

"That's why I'm the tactician!" I nodded confidently before pointing back the way we came. "Now, go and get everyone else! I'll stay here and keep an eye on our dinner!"

"Got it!" Luffy whooped before dashing off into the dunes. "HEY, GUYS!"

I watched him silently for a moment before turning my attention to the birds who, to their credit, were maintaining their prone positions, albeit with a bit more sweat.

I gave them a half-lidded stare as I ran my tongue over my lips. "Run or fry, bitches. What do you choose?"

The birds started twitching _ever_ so slightly as they shot minute glances at each other. One of them twitched a wing towards me.

I snapped my baton out to full length and slammed it into the wood of the sled. "Try it, I _dare_ you."

The birds instantly froze, visibly debating what to do. Finally, as the sound of crunching sand reached us, they came to a decision: their lives were more valuable than their score. Thus, they shot to their talons with panicked squawks and hightailed it the _heck_ out of there.

" _YEAH,_ **you'd better run!"** Soundbite hollered after them.

"Mister Jeremiah, are you alright?" Vivi gasped as she and the rest of the crew reached us.

"Heh, don't worry, I'm fine!" I waved at her happily. "Those herons were total wimps, they didn't even _try_ and fight!"

"Thank god..." Vivi sighed gratefully. "They must have been too used to running their scams to pull anything else."

"Wait, those were those Bandit Birds you mentioned!?" Luffy demanded incredulously before growling viciously. "Which way did they go!?"

"Luffy-" Nami started to sigh wearily.

"They went thattaway!" I grinned as I pointed out into the desert.

"RAAAAAAGH!" Luffy roared, darting off in the direction I indicated.

"WHAT THE HELL, JACKASS!?" Nami and Sanji snarled as they simultaneously slapped the back of my head.

"Okay, first off, _OW!_ Watch it!" I winced as I rubbed the back of my head. "And second, just wait a second, alright? Luffy'll be back soon enough, and he'll be bringing company too!"

"Oh really? What _kind_ of company?" Zoro said, cocking a curious eyebrow.

"Hey, here he comes now!" Chopper called out as he pointed out at the dunes. He then squinted curiously. "And... something's chasing him?"

"GROOOOORGH!"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" Nami and Usopp chorused incredulously.

"He's also bringing a hyper-chivalrous camel with him!" I shot at them before grinning impishly as I poked Vivi's shoulder. "And as for you, you forgot they-"

"I forgot they hunt in pairs..." Vivi groaned in exasperation as she kneaded the bridge of her nose.

Sanji puffed out a weary cloud of smoke before starting to march towards Luffy. "Alright you guys, you hang tight, I'll help Luffy."

The cook got all of three feet before Zoro strode ahead of him. "Forget it, crap cook. The last one almost crushed you like an insect. _I'll_ handle it."

Zoro didn't even get _one_ foot before he was forced to wheel around and stop Sanji from caving his head in. "Blow it out your ass, you shitty marimo! The last one had you almost halfway down its throat!"

"Love bastard!"

"SHIT SWORDSMAN!"

"SWIRL BROW!"

"Should we tell them that Luffy already killed it?" Chopper asked me quietly.

"Eh, they'll figure it out sooner or later," I shrugged indifferently... before frowning in concern. "At least... I _think_ they'll figure it out..."

As it turned out, it took Luffy ramming the duo's skulls together in his impatience to cook the meat to break them up.

While we waited for the king-lizard's carcass to fry, I took the opportunity to knock some sand out of my clothes. While my desert-camo jacket was doing a counterintuitively good job of keeping me cool (how covering up _more_ is supposed to keep a person cool, I have no idea, but damn if it wasn't doing a decent job) it had the downside of catching a _lot_ of grit in its seams. I was _especially_ not enjoying the amount of sand I was catching in my unprotected face.

"Hey, Vivi," I called to the princess. "Do you have anything to help with..." I gestured towards my face. "This?"

" **AIN'T** _ **NUTHIN'**_ _that can_ FIX _THAT!"_

I adopted a carefully neutral expression and help up a finger. "One moment please." I grabbed the water barrel and proceeded to give it a thorough shaking.

" _WAaAaAaAaAaAGH!"_ Soundbite hollered miserably until I stopped. " _Uuuuurgh..._ **At the risk of repeating myself, SPIN** _ **cycle**_ _**SUCKS!"**_

"Damn straight it does," I chuckled to myself before looking back at Vivi. "So anyways...?"

"Huh-wha?" Vivi started as she drew her... bemused, amused or horrified eyes, I couldn't tell which, from the barrel. "Ah, right, right, your face. Hmm, let's see..." She started digging through the pack she was carrying. "No, no... Oh, here, how's this?" She withdrew a circle of cloth and held it out to me. "It's a facemask I picked up in Nanohana. I got in case of sand... storms..." Vivi trailed off uncomfortably as the rest of the crew minus Sanji joined me in glaring at her viciously before she rallied with a huff. "Oh, like _none of you_ have ever forgotten anything important!?"

"You forgot _six_ things!" Usopp shot back. "Six _very_ dangerous things that could have _killed_ us!"

"I- you- _ergh!"_ Vivi stammered uncomfortably for a moment before huffing and tossing the facemask at me. "Just try the damn thing on already!"

I snickered at her blushing expression before slipping the mask over my mouth. It was a bit warm, to be sure, but it was better than a concentrated mineral diet, that was for sure. I started to nod at Vivi, but froze as a... a _feeling_ swept over me. "Why do I have the sudden urge to wear an eyepatch, read smut in public and be three hours late to every appointment I make?" I muttered to myself.

"What was that?" Zoro grunted.

"Ah, nothing, nothing!" I hastily waved him off in embarrassment before turning to Usopp. "Hey, do you have any goggles I can use or...?"

"Sure thing, here you go!" the sniper replied, carelessly throwing the headgear at me.

I caught the goggles and contemplated them for a moment, holding one of the lenses up to my eye as I examined the desert... before hastily jerking it away with a wince. "Okay, let me be more specific: any goggles _without_ magnifying lenses that'll fry my eyes?"

"Ack! Aheh... sorry?" Usopp chuckled sheepishly as he swapped the goggles out. I hummed contemplatively as I checked out the lens before nodding and slipping them on, putting my hood up alongside them.

"These'll do perfectly! I look a bit like a Middle Eastern freedom fighter, but... yeah, I think it'll work! And one 'akbar' out of you and I'm literally leaving you out to dry," I shot at Soundbite.

" **KILLJOY!"**

"Okay everyone, dinner's served!" Sanji spoke up.

I made to get up and head to the where the food was, but was halted by two hands grabbing me.

"Hey, Cross, do you have a-?"/"Cross, I need to speak to-" Chopper and Nami cut themselves off as they realized they were talking at the same time.

"Sorry Nami, but this is-"/"Chopper, this isn't really the-" The pair interrupted themselves again, though this time with a bit of a frown.

"Look, Nami-!"/"Chopper, I swear to-!"

"Okay, while I appreciate a good Abbott and Costello routine as much as the next guy-" I interrupted them with a chuckle.

" **Who's on first?** _Who?_ YES," Soundbite cackled.

"-or snail, it seems like you both want to talk with me about something important, so how about this?" I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "We go get some meat, we eat, and then I'll talk to you guys by seniority. _And that means Nami first,"_ I cut them off as they started to speak. "Got it?"

The two mulled things over for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Got it."

I grinned and clapped my hands successfully. "Perfect! Now, let's go and eat us some apex predator meat!"

As it turned out, rock-griddled Sandora Dragon tasted like chicken. Seriously. Still delicious, despite the cognitive dissonance of a ten-feet-plus reptile _tasting like chicken_.

In any case, I was glad I was mostly finished when Luffy started bugging the camel, because said camel proceeded to spit all over him and the spray hit the last of my meat.

My eye twitched slightly as I stared at my plate before handing it off to Soundbite, who I'd fished out of his barrel and who _didn't_ have anything even close to a gag reflex. Or good taste, for that matter. "Well, that's the end of _my_ appetite," I sighed in disgust.

"I'm sorry, but this hooligan was getting on my nerves. I'll try not to do it again," Eyelashes sniffed in a haughty, if high-pitched and reedy, voice.

I frowned as I mulled things over. For some reason, the camel's voice sounded a bit off. Like the tone and the words didn't quite match. Why did I feel like that voice would be more at place saying something more... racy... more daring... something like-

I froze as realization struck me dead on. I slowly turned my horrified eyes on Eyelashes. "Heeey," I started slowly. "Could you do me a quick favor please? Could you say the words 'Death to America' for me?"

Eyelashes gave me a bemused look. "What on the Grand Line is an 'America'? Also, do we have any lettuce?" He turned his head towards Sanji. "Meat is all well and good, you take what you can in the desert, but I would _keel_ for something green right now!"

My eye twitched furiously for a moment before I slapped a hand to my face. "Close enough..." I growled out before slowly turning a venomous gaze on Soundbite, who was snickering eagerly. "Okay, two things," I stated. "First, I refuse to so much as _address_ the fact that you're giving the camel the voice of _Achmed the dead freaking Terrorist."_

"BAHAHA _HOOHOOHOO_ **HEEHEEHEE!"**

"And _second!"_ I plowed on impatiently. "Now that I think about it, how the hell do you keep those voices up anyways!? Your voice is cut-and-paste!"

Soundbite blinked in surprise before shrugging indifferently, insomuch as a snail can shrug. " _It's easy for me to keep the voices normal because I_ can _talk like you guys. I just choose not to,"_ he explained in a voice much like a newscaster's.

I jumped in shock as Soundbite spoke clearer than I'd ever heard him speak in the whole time I'd known him. "I- wh- seriously!? Then what the hell is with the crazy-ass chorus!?" I narrowed my eyes at him accusingly. "Are you just showing off or something?"

" _No no no, not at all!"_ Soundbite hastily denied. " _It's just, well, you see..."_ He bowed his head contemplatively for a moment before looking up. " _Alright, look, it's like this: everyone and everything has a voice when they speak, even animals. When I give a species a voice, it's not me being stereotypical-"_

"Bullshit," I flatly interrupted.

Soundbite had enough decency in his shell to chuckle self-consciously. " _Okay, so it's somewhat for the hell of it. But really, I choose voices based on whether or not they fit, based on whether or not they're right. Basically, the voices I choose are those beings' voices. And, well, my voice..._ **MY VOICE IS** ALL OF THE _**voices**_ **, period.** _MAKE SENSE?"_

I hummed contemplatively as I mulled things over before nodding. "I... suppose it does, in a manner of speaking. In the end, I guess it's your choice and I can't do much about it... though seriously. _Achmed?"_

" **YOU SAYIN'** _ **you ain't**_ LAUGHIN'?" Soundbite grinned cheekily.

I was silent for a moment before looking away with a grin. "I am, but I'll feel bad about it later."

" _ **BULLSHIT!"**_

"Kiss my ass, you little-!"

"Ahem?"

"GAH!" I jumped halfway off my rock in shock before spinning around to the sight of our navigator impatiently tapping her foot in the sand. "Ah, Nami! Have you been waiting long or...?"

Nami rolled her eyes with a huff before jabbing her thumb over her shoulder. "We're setting out again. Come on, we'll walk and talk."

I cocked an eyebrow at her as I stood up and shifted my backpack onto my shoulders. "Fair warning, I don't feel confident about my ability to keep up with a _camel_."

Nami rolled her eyes with a long-suffering sigh. "I won't be _riding_ Eyelashes until I'm done talking with you, dumbass. He'll just be carrying my share of the supplies."

I shot an acrid glare at the camel's rump. "Let me guess: he'll only carry yours and none of ours, huh?"

"I care only for the fine ladies, you uncouth ruffian!"

"BLOW IT OUT YOUR HUMP, JACKASS!" I roared at Eyelashes as I stowed Soundbite back in his barrel before smiling at Nami. "Now then- LUFFY DON'T EAT THAT!- shall we?"

And so we set out once again through the hot desert sands. I swear, if this was what deserts were like, then I don't know how anyone lived in Arizona before air conditioning. "So, you wanted to talk?" I wheezed at Nami.

Nami bit her lip hesitantly before nodding in agreement. "Yeah... it's... it's about my weapon. The Clima-Tact."

"It works, if that's what you're worried about," I reassured her. "I realize that it might seem ridiculous, but-!"

"No no, I don't doubt that!" she hastily denied, waving her hands. "Usopp can be a bit of a moron sometimes, sure, but he's creative if nothing else. If anybody can pull it off, it's him. No, it's just..." Nami trailed off uncomfortably for a moment before giving a weary sigh. "I-I'm not confident about being able to use it. I mean, being able to alter the weather a bit sounds like it could be pretty effective, sure, but... well, look at me!" She gestured at herself. "What do you see?"

I eyed her warily for a moment before trying my luck. "A... strong, beautiful, confident woman?"

" _That's a_ **HELLUVA WAY to say '** GOLD-DIGGING SKANK'!" Soundbite cackled.

"One moment," I said casually, holding up a finger. Grabbing the barrel again, I gave it another vigorous stirring. "You were saying?"

"I SPEAK THE TRUTH! _**I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!"**_

"Aaaanyways..." Nami drawled as she cast a glare at the barrel.

"Hey, not my fault you asked a question there's no good answer to!" I defended hastily.

" _The point_ I was trying to make..." Nami ground out to herself before looking away with a slightly forlorn expression. "Is that... I'm a lot of things, Cross, but I'm not a fighter. I can't go onto the front line like Luffy or Zoro, I... I can't make that much of a difference…"

"Oh, bullshit!" I snapped. "Look at me! Look at _Usopp_ , for Christ's sake! Yes, Luffy or Zoro could snap us over their knees like a dry twig, but can you look me in the eyes and tell me we haven't contributed to the battles up to this point?"

Nami gave me a flat look. "Back on Little Garden, that brat Goldenweek used me to almost kill you and Vivi, and _you_ were just a glorified distraction the whole time Luffy was fighting Wapol in Drum Island!"

I raised a finger... then slowly lowered it with a pained grimace. "You... make an accurate point, I'll give you that..."

Nami sighed wearily as she looked ahead, staring pointedly at Vivi's back. "The point is... I just don't want to be a burden on everyone. Especially not with what's coming. That's why you got your armor, that's why I got the Clima-Tact, and that's why Usopp's been making all these new gadgets and weapons. And they're all well and good but... well, the fact is that I don't know if I have the skills for it. The ability."

I chewed my lip contemplatively as I mused on that before shrugging as I came up with what I hoped was a good answer. "Are you sure you don't?"

Nami looked at me in surprise. "What are you talking about?"

"Well..." I hedged uncomfortably. "I'm not one hundred percent on this, because the story never went in-depth on it-"

"What _was_ the name of that story, anyways?" Nami questioned, grimacing as a thought struck her. "It wasn't something like 'Luffy's Grand Adventure' or something, was it?"

" _ **WRYYYY!"**_

"Evil immortal vampires are no joke, Soundbite," I deadpanned. "And no, it was named 'One Piece'."

"Better than I was afraid of..." Nami muttered with a weary roll of her eyes.

"Anyways, the story didn't really expand on things, but, well, from what I saw when you were still using it, you do have _some_ skill with staff weapons, no?"

"It's, uh, called bojutsu..." Nami scratched the back of her neck uncomfortably. "I learned it so that I could defend myself when I was out... 'working'. I have some skill in it, sure, but-!"

"But nothing!" I cut in. " _Some_ skill means that you're better than me at it, and that's something in and of itself. I'm sure that so long as you practice with it and improve yourself, you'll be even better. You don't need to be a _master_ of the staff, just adept enough to defend yourself, no?"

"I..." Nami looked down thoughtfully. "I think so?"

"And furthermore, while you might not like it, that 'work' you were doing gave you some useful skills as well.

"Huh!?" Nami demanded incredulously.

"Well..." I uncomfortably rolled my hand. "What I mean is that while the lifestyle was anything _but_ pleasant, you can't deny that you _were_ good at it. And that would have had to leave you with _some_ usable skills, no?"

I winced as Nami pinned me with a dark glare. "What skills could I _possibly_ have gained from those years?"

I hastily held my hands up defensively. "Look, I - and please note that I am _really_ trying not to put my foot in my mouth here or presume anything - I realize that those were some hard times, hell really, but you _can't_ deny that you were a phenomenal thief. Or, at the very least, a well-above-average one, and that kind of a profession requires you to learn a very specific, very useful skillset. I realize it might be uncomfortable for you to dredge up and utilize these skills, but they _would_ be exactly what you're looking for!"

Nami was uncomfortably silent for a moment before speaking. "Name five skills that would be useful."

"Umm... alright, let's see..." I started counting down on my fingers. "Lockpicking, pickpocketing, acting, stealth, probably some acrobatics assuming you ever decided to enter through the windows or anything like that, probably some observational skills to analyze marks and locations, deception abilities, though that may fold into acting... Eh... that's all I can think of."

" _Seduction?"_ Soundbite queried faux-innocently.

"No!"/"Only sometimes!"

I snapped a bewildered look at Nami, who was blushing vividly. "Ah, well, that is to say..." She looked away nervously.

I coughed uncomfortably as I averted my gaze. "Okay, right, so I _might_ have underestimated just how bad things were and I apologize for that. Still, do you get what I'm trying to say?"

There was a moment of silence until Nami spoke again. "Yeah... yeah, I understand. Sorry about the third degree, I suppose I can't really come to you for advice and then just jump down your throat when you give it."

"Hey, it's fine, it's fine," I waved her off. "You went through hell and I dragged it up, you had every right to get mad."

"Well... if you say so. But really, Cross?" She put her hand on my shoulder, prompting me to look back at her and the kind smile she was giving me. "Thanks a lot. You're a good friend and I appreciate it."

I smiled back and nodded. "Any time, Nami, any time."

Say what you will about One Piece being a hell of a world in every sense of the phrase, but damn if it wasn't nice to have some good friends along the way.

"Well!" I said, dusting my hands off contentedly. "Now that that's settled, where's Chopper?"

" **Sleepin' with the** FAIRY _SEAKINGS by the sounds of it!"_

"E-excuse me?!" Nami scoffed incredulously.

"He means that Chopper's K.O. from the heat again..." I groaned wearily. "Well, looks like I'll just have to wait until the sun goes down and he wakes up again."

"Alright then," Nami nodded before pausing as a thought struck her. "Oh, by the way, I wanted to ask you: how much longer until we reach Yuba?"

"Eh..." I wracked my mind. "Small details like this are the hardest to remember, but ah... I... think it was after sunset? Yeah, it was night, after sunset."

Nami nodded slowly before freezing and giving me a flat look. "So... he'll probably wake up around the same time that _Vivi_ will be ripping your entrails out, is that about right?"

I started to nod before freeing as well as realization swept over me. "Urk. Ah... pray for me?"

Nami put on a show of thinking intently. "Weeeell, you _did_ lie to her and essentially stomp over her wish for a conflict-free resolution..."

"That was always a pipe dream _before_ I said anything and you know it!" I hissed frantically.

Nami grinned cattily in what was both a chilling yet kindly manner. "You'll be in my thoughts," she purred before pursing her lips and whistling. "Ooh Eyelashes!" In a blur of brown, the camel galloped up next to us and swept Nami up so that she was seated behind Vivi before galloping back ahead.

"BURN IN HELL, BITCH!" I roared after her.

" _I SPIT IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION, ROGUE! PTOOIE!"_

I winced as a glob of saliva splattered against my face before cracking my eye open. I then proceeded to smirk confidently. "GOGGLES, JACKASS! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO _TH-!?"_

 _SPLAT!_

I froze again, this time on account of my thoughts being split equally between three lines of thought: ' _Damn he's good with his tail', 'Oh god it's in my mouth',_ and-

"HURK!"

" **HOOHOOHOO** HAHAHA _HEEHEEHEE!_ _ **TALK SHIT GET HIT!**_ **LITERALLY!"**

At that moment, I had to _seriously_ weigh some pros and cons. On the one hand, dying of dehydration on account of our water being contaminated. On the other, giving Soundbite an equal taste of the shit he himself was spraying was sounding more and more enticing to me by the moment.

Thankfully for all of us, a third option was presented to me at the last moment.

"Hey, Cross, what's on your face? Is that chocolate? Do you have choc-!"

SPLAT!

"Ooh, tha- ACKPBHT! THAT'S NOT CHOCOLATE!"

 **-o-**

After several very, _very_ grueling hours of marching, the sun had finally gone down, allowing the moon to rise and illuminate the suddenly freezing desert.

The cold was a nice reprieve from the heat, but it didn't change the fact that it was just swapping out one temperature extreme for another. Robert Frost could go screw himself, fire and ice both sucked in equal measure. Still, if this climate did anything, it proved just how truly dedicated Vivi was to save her nation: only someone well and truly enamored with it would be able to live their whole lives in this crucible and come out _still_ wanting to save it.

At least there was one upside to the cold: Chopper finally managed came around from his heat-coma and was trotting alongside us in his Walk Point. I'd been waiting for him to talk with me of his own accord, on account of how the way he kept glancing at me indicated he wanted to talk with me about _something,_ but he was apparently too skittish to initiate the conversation.

Finally, after a few more hours of marching, he managed to gather the courage to match my pace. "Uh, Cross?" he mumbled hesitantly. "Can we talk now? I-I really want your help..."

I smiled kindly at the reindeer. "Yeah, sure thing, Chopper. Tell me what's on your mind."

The human-reindeer opened his mouth to speak... then tilted his head to the side curiously. "Uh... is it just me or is the ground shaking?"

I blinked in confusion for a moment as I processed the statement before paling as I noticed the fact that the wind was carrying a _lot_ of sand with it. "Uh oh..." I breathed nervously.

"What, what's wrong?" Chopper asked.

Before I could answer, Vivi did so in my place. "SANDSTORM! YUBA'S BEING HIT BY A SANDSTORM!"

And indeed it was. Holy _shit,_ it was really something. I mean, I'd seen water funnels and vortexes before on the Grand Line, Nami being the only reason that we hadn't been smashed to pieces, but those had all been water for the most part. Seeing a storm of sand and wind of such a magnitude was another thing entirely! And Crocodile had been hammering Yuba with these things for _how long_ now!?

I didn't know what had me more impressed: Toto's sheer determination in the face of adversity or Crocodile's ability to overcompensate!

I shuddered uncomfortably as I spied the city that was being actively sanded off the face of Alabasta. As horrible as the situation was already, Yuba heralded something even worse for me.

"Chopper, I will _gladly_ talk with you and help you with whatever you need later..." I swallowed nervously. "But only if you'll agree to do something for me in return."

Chopper shot me a confused look. "What's that?"

I grit my teeth as the crew started to run towards Yuba, forcing me to match their pace. " _Pray for me."_

A few hours of jogging later, we reached the edge of Yuba. The sight that met us was... disheartening, to say the least. The worst part of it was... I could _see_ how it had once been a great city. It was an old place, a dignified and noble one... but it was hurt. It was decrepit, abandoned... even if it wasn't actively rotting, then at the _least_ it was dying. And it was _not_ pretty to watch.

And Toto was probably even worse off. He was old, dirty, frail... but damn if he didn't have an air of strength to him. He wasn't just some old sack of skin and bones. He was... tough. Leathery. He was worn down, sure, but it was more a sign of experience then actual injury. And that... that was something I could appreciate.

What I _didn't_ appreciate was what he said when we asked him about the Rebels, though that wasn't all that fair on account of how it was more the final nail than the actual coffin.

"Those fools have left Yuba."

I winced in guilt as the words pierced through me, hitting me dead on. I turned away from the rest of the crew and bowed my head, refusing to meet anyone's eyes even as I felt their gazes on me. Not accusatory, per se, just... questioning. Curious.

All save one.

" _Cross."_

I out and out _flinched_ as Vivi's voice cracked over me like a whip. I slowly raised my eyes to meet her gaze, and, well... it was a once in a lifetime experience.

Vivi was furious _._ Not peeved, not annoyed, not even outraged. _Furious._ If Vivi's passion for defending Alabasta was like the kingdom's sun, then this side of her was like it's moon; cold, vicious... _lethal._ I just felt... so _puny_. It was hard to tell what was making me feel worse: Vivi's royal presence... or the fact that I was her friend and that I'd _lied_ to her.

"Vivi-" I started hesitantly-

 _SLAP!_

Before cutting myself off with a wince. It was at the same time the least yet most painful slap I'd ever received in my life.

"I don't want to hear it," she hissed softly. "Now you listen to me: we are going to stay here tonight, we are going to go to Katorea tomorrow, we are going to stop this rebellion, and then I _never want to see you again._ Do I make myself clear?"

I nodded solemnly. "Yes, Vi-"

"That's Princess Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta to you, _Mister Jeremiah,"_ she spat viciously before wheeling around and marching towards the buildings.

I watched her go in shame and silence. After all, after all I'd done... what could I possibly say that wouldn't make things worse?

Silence reigned as we all watched Vivi leave, nobody quite sure what to make of recent events.

Finally, I looked to Toto. "Do you have any other shovels?" I asked him quietly.

The old man jumped in shock. "Ah, y-yes, over there..." he said, pointing at a nearby shed. "But why-?"

"Everyone, go and get some sleep," I interrupted as I started to walk towards the shed. "I... don't feel like sleeping at the moment. I'll just... work until I get tired."

"Cross..." Nami started softly

"Just... get some sleep," I sighed heavily, unslinging the water barrel from my shoulder and handing it to her, Soundbite and all. "Tomorrow's going to be a long day."

Nami stared at me in silence for a moment before nodding solemnly and following Vivi.

I refused to meet anyone's eyes as I continued walking forwards, and none of them said anything as I went. However, as I was passing by Zoro, he placed his hand on my shoulder. I froze, waiting for him to say whatever he had to say... but he just gave a firm pat and moved on.

The next time I was stopped was when Luffy caught my elbow, prompting me to look up and meet his gaze. I didn't say anything, but I did shake my head ever so slightly. Luffy frowned unhappily, but sighed and followed everyone else nonetheless.

With that over and done with, I wordlessly retrieved the shovel, dug it into the sand next to Toto's pit and got to work.

I dug for... I'm not even really sure how long, to be honest. Hours, most likely. I wasn't really paying attention to anything else. I didn't _want_ to think about anything else. All I thought about was, well... digging. Deeper and deeper, foot by foot, the sand slowly but steadily piling up around me as I dug myself deeper for the second time that day.

In all honesty, I didn't really 'stop' digging. I just suddenly... _woke up_ leaning against the wall of my hole, being shaken awake by someone calling my name.

"-kid. Hey, kid, wake up! Are you alright?" Toto asked me.

"Mrgh..." I groaned tiredly as I shook my head in an effort to wake myself, a bit of the post-wakeup fugue still clouding my thoughts. "What... what time is it?"

"It's still night, if that's what you're asking," Toto huffed. "My god, kid, you worked yourself straight to sleep! I know I might be a stubborn old man, but not even I'm that bull-headed!"

"Mmn..." I mumbled slightly in agreement. "Yeah yeah, I'm dedicated like that." I looked around blearily. "Now where's that shovel?"

"I have it right here." Toto held it up before me, but yanked it out of my reach when I tried to take hold of it. "But I'm not letting you use it until you get some rest."

I affixed a tired glare on the old man. "This from the coot who's been digging all night alongside me, as well as through several sandstorms?"

"Wait until you're my age, _then_ you can be as hypocritically stubborn as you want to be," Toto sniffed before doubling over, clutching his joints with a groan. "Around the time your joints start aching, I'd say..."

I let out a furious growl as I actively reminded myself that unlike the rest of the crew, I couldn't slap Toto upside his head for fear of giving him a concussion. "Just give me the shovel, damn it, I need to keep working."

Toto immediately righted himself and shoved the shovel's head into the sand with a glare. "No, _I_ need to keep working. _You_ just _want_ to keep working. There's a marked difference!"

"What the hell are you talking about!?" I demanded, my fatigue most likely putting more heat into my voice than I intended.

Toto crossed his arms and gave me the kind of glare only a well-experienced elder could give. "I _need_ to keep working, so that I can draw the life and water back out of Yuba's earth. You _want_ to keep working for the sole sake of not having to confront what happened between you and Princess Vivi, and I won't let you poison Yuba's water with your misguided misery. Am I clear?"

I opened my mouth to say something... but in the end I heaved a weary sigh, collapsing on my ass as I leaned my back against the wall of the pit. "Crystal, sir..." I moaned miserably.

"Good! Now then..." Toto crossed his arms and sat down across from me, giving me a searching look. "Why don't you tell me just what it is that's got you down, hm?"

I gave the old man a weary _look._ "I was slapped by Vi-" I winced self-consciously. "Princess Nefertari Vivi, why do you think I'm down?"

Toto snorted. "What I think is that there are a lot of details about this situation I don't understand, period!"

I stared at him impassively, not saying anything.

"Well, if you're not going to tell me, I'm gonna have to start guessing." The old man hummed thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "Are you a suitor?"

My expression became as flat as a plate. "Thank you, no. I'd rather live long and prosper than commit suicide by Kohza."

"HA!" Toto barked uproariously. "I don't know how you know my son, but that _does_ sound like the likely outcome, doesn't it?" He shot a cheeky smirk at me. "Now then, shall I continue guessing or-?"

"Alright, alright, I'll tell you!" I snapped. And so I told him the whole story: lying to Vivi about Yuba and Katorea, how talking down the rebels wouldn't actually solve anything, my firm belief that only by clobbering Crocodile (not that I actually named him) could the rebellion be ended, and how much of an utter _heel_ I felt for doing so.

Toto's eyes widened in shock as he listened to me before bowing his head with a solemn hum. "Well now... that sounds quite serious indeed."

"Deadly," I confirmed morosely.

"If you ask me, it sounds like you didn't have much of a choice in the matter," Toto summarized matter-of-factly.

"What I chose _doesn't_ matter," I emphasized firmly. "What _does_ matter is that Vivi is the closest thing to a saint we'll ever see in our lifetimes, and more importantly, she was my friend- and I had to _lie_ to her. What matters is that I've probably made her hate me, and that... that's worse than anything I can imagine."

And then Toto did the absolute last thing I expected: he threw his head back and laughed.

"W-What's so funny?" I stammered in confusion.

"Boy…" he wheezed, clutching his gut. "That might just be the funniest thing I've heard in years." He held up a hand to stop the indignant reply just on my lips. "First of all, Princess Vivi doesn't have a hateful bone in her body, so you don't need to worry about that."

"But... s-she slapped me… and-"

"Oh, yes, I've only seen her that angry once before," Toto replied, staring fondly up into the sky. "Kohza had stolen her favorite doll, a recent birthday gift from her father, for whatever childish reason he had at the time and had hidden it somewhere. Try as she might, Vivi couldn't get him to tell her where he hid it. At least, until she got mad and then he folded like wet paper." The old man chuckled, lost in his memories. "And you know what? Once she got it back she calmed down and went right back to being his best friend."

"I… think this is kind of on a different scale," I deadpanned. "I essentially threatened her _kingdom._ Her _people._ That's as bad a berserk button for her as debating justice is for most marines."

"Bah, you'll see," Toto scoffed dismissively. "I know that girl, give her a day or two to cool off and things'll be back to normal, especially if what you've told me is the truth. As for the other matter…" He turned around and rapped me on the forehead before I could react.

"Ow! What was that for?!" I demanded, rubbing my forehead.

"For being silly," Toto harrumphed. "You're putting entirely too much stock in one lie. Don't make a habit of it, and your friendships will be just fine even with the occasional lie. Now, you get out of this hole. I need to get back to work."

And with that, he shoved me up and out with surprising strength. I didn't protest; I had a feeling he'd break that shovel over my head if he needed to. Still, though his words had helped, I couldn't shake the rock in the pit of my stomach. He didn't know about the massive lie I'd told the crew for weeks, the one about my origins. After this one, coming so soon on the heels of that one… how could they ever trust _SAND-IN-MY-FACE-GAH!_

"Ack! Phpht!" I hacked and spit miserably as I tried to clear the grains from my face. "What the he-!?"

"Oh, hey Cross!"

"Luffy!?" I blinked at my captain in shock, trying to process the fact that he was in a hole next to my own. "W-what the hell- how long have you been digging there!?"

Luffy shrugged indifferently. "The whole time. Oh, and I'm not alone either!"

I started to ask what Luffy meant... when I was interrupted by a pink top hat poking up and over the lip of the hole.

"H-hey Cross," Chopper smiled weakly as he waved at me.

"Ah, hey, Chopper..." I waved back uncomfortably.

"So, Cross... are you... free to talk now, or...?" Chopper scratched the back of his head with a sheepish grin.

I worked my jaw wordlessly for a moment... before settling on a smile and extending a hand to the Zoan user. "Yeah... yeah, I'm free."

Chopper smiled back from ear to ear as he took my hand and hauled himself out. "Thanks! It's not anything too important, I just, well, need some help is all."

I nodded in agreement and waved for him to follow me. "Sure thing, Chopper. Come on, walk and talk."

Chopper trotted to keep up with me. "Well, I've been thinking about how to use your advice. You know, on manipulating my Devil Fruit? Well... I've been having some trouble with it. I mean..." He shrugged helplessly. "My powers are rigid enough as is due to me being a Zoan, and in my opinion my particular Fruit is even worse than usual on account of how it doesn't give me much to work with. I'd appreciate any suggestions you have to share with me."

I hummed as I contemplated his statement. "That's true enough, yes..." I nodded in agreement before holding up a finger. "But you underestimate just what your powers have to offer. As I've already stated, you've exploited your powers quite a bit with the invention of the Rumble Ball. I believe, without giving away too much and thus pissing off Luffy, that there might be a way for you to push what you've already done even further."

"Really!?" Chopper asked eagerly. "What is it?"

"Well..." I scratched my chin thoughtfully, mentally thanking the great resources of TVTropes all the while. "Have you ever heard of something called 'biofeedback'?"

 **-o-**

The next morning, we all gathered in the town square as we prepared to say our goodbyes to Toto. The old man was quite chipper as he saw us off; I could practically see the satisfaction bursting out of him as he handed Luffy the small barrel of water he'd managed to extract from the sand.

"I'm sorry there isn't any more of it, but it's still genuine Yuba water either way. I assure you that it will do you much good," he said, outright beaming.

"Don't worry, old man! I'll keep a close hold of it and drink it _really_ slowly, I promise!" Luffy assured him as he eagerly grabbed the barrel.

"Make sure you're _really_ careful with that water, Luffy," I promptly warned him. "That water's more important than any of us can imagine."

Luffy blinked in surprise before nodding firmly. "You got it."

I chanced a glance over my shoulder at Vivi, and was rewarded with her looking away with a scowl. I winced and bowed my head guiltily, but was prompted to look up by a hand on my shoulder.

Toto gave me a reassuring look. "The princess might be as stubborn as she is kind, but she can't deny her own nature. She'll forgive you, son. Just give it time."

I pursed my lips sadly for a moment, but I nodded solemnly nonetheless. I then held a hand out to him. "You're a good man, Toto. I can't thank you enough."

Toto snorted as he grabbed my hand and gave it a strong shake. "Protect Princess Vivi and save this kingdom. That will be thanks enough."

I nodded confidently. "I promise."

And with that, we were off into the desert, braving the heat and sand once again. We got pretty far, a mile, maybe two, until we were well out of sight of Yuba. Vivi was leading our party, while the rest of us trailed behind her. Hence, nobody immediately noticed when Luffy suddenly stopped dead in his tracks, and Zoro, Nami and I imitated him.

Nami gave the captain a wary look. "Is everything alright, Luffy?"

Luffy was... silent, uncharacteristically so. For the longest time, he just _stood_ there. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was thinking. Finally, Luffy turned his head and shot an unreadable _look_ at me. "Where is he?" he asked calmly.

"Rainbase, a city to the north of Yuba. He runs a local casino as though it were his castle," I promptly answered.

Luffy turned his expectant gaze on Nami.

The navigator pursed her lips uncomfortably for a moment, but she ultimately subsided with a heavy sigh. "That way," she pointed dutifully.

And with that, Luffy started marching singlemindedly in the direction indicated, with Zoro following behind him.

Nami hesitated as she watched the pair march off, glancing at the rest of the crew. "Shouldn't we...?"

I shrugged indifferently. "They'll notice sooner or later. For now, captain's orders." And with that, I followed the crew's top two officers, and moments later I heard Nami doing the same.

We didn't get far, however, when the sound of someone chasing after us broke the desert's silence.

"Mister Jeremiah ! What do you think you're-!" Vivi began as she trotted Eyelashes in front of us before I interrupted her.

"Captain's orders. Talk to Luffy."

I felt a brief twinge of guilt for passing the buck like that; a twinge that died a quick death as I watched Vivi slide off of Eyelashes and stomp up to Luffy. I would weather Vivi's wrath in my own time, make no mistake, but first I was going to let the tide break on Luffy's head. Sorry, Captain, but better you than me!

"Luffy, where are you going!? The Sandora River is this way, to the east! We need to cross it if we want to reach Katorea!" Vivi pressed him.

"Yeah, but I'm going north," Luffy blandly informed her.

"W-what?!" Vivi sputtered incredulously. "North!? Why would you want to go north!?"

Luffy shrugged. "'Cause that's where Rainbase is."

It took Vivi all of ten seconds to process that statement, mouthing the words to herself before she spun around and shot a _searing_ hot glare at me.

Nami was quick to step in front of me. "Don't get mad at Cross, Vivi, Luffy asked _him._ He _had_ to tell him."

Vivi continued to stare daggers at me a moment longer before directing her rage back at Luffy, grabbing his sleeve and forcing him to a halt. "Luffy, I already told you, we don't _need_ to fight Crocodile! If I can get to Katorea, I can talk to Kohza and-!"

"Vivi," Luffy interrupted her, tilting his head and giving her a flat look. "That's dumb."

" _E-excuse me!?"_ Vivi squawked incredulously. In all honesty, though, hers was the least volatile reaction of the crew.

"HOW DARE YOU, YOU SHITTY-!?" Sanji shrieked as he started to march towards Luffy, until I managed to grab his collar and haul him back.

"This needs to be said, Sanji," I told him, doing my best to stand firm in the face of his rage. Thankfully, Nami had my back.

"Leave him alone, Sanji..." she muttered half-heartedly, more focused on the shitshow unfolding before us.

"What are you _talking about,_ Luffy!?" Vivi demanded.

"Vivi, I know that I haven't been in this country long, and I don't know a lot, but I do know this: stopping the rebels won't stop Crocodile even a bit. Going to Katorea won't do a thing," the rubber-man explained in blandly, as if talking about the weather or his next meal after three weeks at sea.

Trust me, not even Luffy gets excited about lime juice, salt beef, and hardtack. Damn near gave me a heart attack the first time he didn't react like a maniac to Sanji calling us in for dinner, but there you have it.

Anyway, silence reigned over the crew as they processed Luffy's words.

"Uhh..." came Usopp's intelligent response.

"Wow..." Chopper breathed.

" **EVEN A DUMBASS** _can have a point!"_ Soundbite provided.

"I-I..." Vivi stammered uncomfortably.

"You actually think that we can stop the rebels without anyone dying? That nobody, us or your people, are going to get hurt?"

Vivi twitched furiously, obviously fighting against herself.

"We're going up against one of the Warlords of the Sea, and half your kingdom is ready to kill itself. You really think that everyone's going to come out of this alive?" Luffy stared at Vivi for a moment before sighing and bowing his head. "That's _dumb_ , Vivi."

Nami herself visibly reacted to the statement, but I hastily grabbed her shoulder and shook my head.

"What's so wrong with not wanting anyone to die, huh!?" Vivi demanded, her voice shaking with emotion. "What's the problem with wanting everyone to come out of this alive!?"

I could see that Luffy was ready to answer Vivi's question, but in all honesty I just _couldn't_ stay quiet on this.

"It's beyond unrealistic," I stated flatly, with just a hint of anger. "And from someone in your position, it's downright _dangerous."_

Vivi spun on her heel and grabbed my collar, obviously inches away from slapping the _shit_ out of me. Again. "Don't you dare say that, _don't you dare!_ I am trying to prevent a _bloodbath!_ What's wrong with that!?"

"The goal isn't the problem, it's the _method!"_ I shot back, voice rising. "You're sick of me holding things back, you want me to tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Here it is: you're shaping up to be a piss-poor ruler!"

THWACK!

"Gugh!" I wheezed, folding around the fist Vivi had just buried in my gut.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" she shrieked viciously.

I took a moment to suck some air back into my lungs before tilting my head to direct a glare at her. "You want to know why you'll be a sucky ruler? Because you're too focused on benevolence as the end-all, be-all of rulership!"

"GRAH!"

Vivi tackled me to the sand, trying to slip her hands around my throat.

"I-it helps, sure," I snarled as I grabbed her wrists and fought to keep her off me. "But at the end of the day, people don't follow benevolence, don't _bow_ to it! They bow to _authority_ , and as you are you wouldn't command _any!_ Because you know what the Crocodiles of the world see when you aren't willing to sacrifice _anybody_ besides yourself?"

I wrenched myself upwards, bringing my face closer and looking her dead in the eye. "They see _opportunity_. The opportunity for a whole _country_. And if you think your life is anywhere near valuable enough to make them give that up, then you're not just being unrealistic, you're being stupid! _Delusional_ even!"

"S-SHUT UP!" Vivi snarled as she struggled to wrench herself away from me, but I instead flipped us around and pinned her into the sand.

"Wanting to save as many lives as possible is a _noble_ intention for most people, but that's _not_ one that's open to you!" I hissed. "You're a _ruler,_ Vivi, nobility! Every decision you make, every _single_ one, will be a _gamble!_ And every single time, you'll be gambling with people's _lives!_ Your job isn't to save as many lives as possible, it's to make sure that the _least_ amount of people possible die, and that their deaths _mean_ something!"

"THAT'S-!" Vivi struggled in my grip, though her motions were starting to slow down. "T-that's not true..."

"That-!" I started to growl before taking a deep breath. "That's bullshit, Vivi. That's bullshit and you know it. You're a smart girl, Vivi, you've lived with your dad long enough to learn that fact, and your time with Baroque Works should have hammered it home. It's noble that you want don't want things to be like that, above and beyond the norm even... but you just don't have that luxury."

I let go of Vivi's arms and stood off of her, allowing her to flip onto her back and stare up at me.

"If you want to get _anywhere_ in life, Vivi, then you need to be willing to risk something. To risk _everything._ Even..." I clenched my fists. "Even us."

A shudder ran through Vivi's body, but it wasn't from anger. "I-I..."

"Vivi..." Luffy said, angling his hat upward. "We're your _friends._ "

"B-but..." Vivi hiccuped, shaking her head furiously. "I-I... I can't _ask_ that-!"

"You don't have to ask, we're doing it anyways," Zoro snorted.

Usopp shuddered heavily for a moment before he sucked it up and shot a thumbs up at her. "The Great Captain Usopp fears no man! Or reptile for that matter!"

I pointedly chose to avoid mentioning his choice of self-address. Or the fact that he was still shaking like a leaf, for that matter.

Chopper started to glance towards everyone else, but promptly caught himself. Instead, he crossed his arms, looked Vivi dead in the eye and nodded firmly. "I'm in all the way!"

Vivi's head was on a swivel as she looked between us all, her mouth open as she tried and failed to force _something_ out.

Sanji took a tug from his cigarette before flicking it into the sand and stomping it out with his heel. "I would delve into the depths of hell for any woman. For you, my love, I intend to _conquer_ them."

Eyelashes hesitated for a bare moment... until I rammed my elbow into the base of his throat. "Ack-pbht-you-I-I-I mean what the blond cook said!"

"ALL FOR ONE, **ALL FOR** _ **ALL!"**_ Soundbite roared.

Vivi was actively shaking now, tears brimming in her eyes. "B-but... but..."

Nami knelt down next to the princess and clutched her shoulders. "Vivi. We know that there's every chance of us dying. We know that we could die. And we're willing to take those chances, we _choose_ to take them..." She wrapped Vivi up in a fierce hug. "Because you're our friend, and because there's sure to be an absolute _shitton_ of money in Crocodile's casino we can loot."

I chopped my hand down on top of Nami's head with a deadpan glare. "No, bad girl, down."

"I will snap you over my knee Cross, I swear to-!"

Nami's death threats were cut off by a sob tearing its way out of Vivi's throat, followed by the princess grabbing onto Nami for dear life and burying her tear-stained face in the navigator's shoulder.

Nami shot a final glare at me before patting Vivi's back and comforting her.

"T-thank you..." Vivi sobbed. "Thank you... all of you... thank you so much..."

"Oh my love-!" Sanji started to spin himself into a hurricane of love... until Zoro slapped the back of his head. "Hey, what the hell-!?"

"Ahem," Zoro grunted as he jabbed his thumb towards me.

Vivi sniffed heavily for a moment as she glanced up at Zoro before jerking in realization. "Huh-? A-Ah! R-right, right..." She looked at me tearfully. "I-I... Cross... I'm so sorry. Everything I said..."

I cut her off with a raised hand. "Save it, for two reasons. First and foremost, I more than earned that smackdown I got in Yuba and I'm man enough to admit it. And second..."

I held my hand out to her and pulled her to her feet. "This isn't the time or the place for waterworks. You can tell me how much you're sorry later. For now..." I grinned viciously and jabbed my finger due north. "What do you say we start the process of straight up _slapping_ the smug out of Crocodile?"

Vivi hiccuped for a moment longer. Then she steeled her back, wiped the tears and snot off of her face, and gave me a shaky grin.

"Okay!"


	19. Chapter 18 - Alabasta Pt 4

**Chapter 18**

I huffed and wheezed miserably as I mounted the sands of the dune. So hot…so _high…_ so… _thirsty…_ just a few more feet…a few…more…

With a moan of relief, I mounted the peak of the dune and spread my arms in relief. "I..." I groaned eagerly, "am Cross of Alaba—!"

 _NOM!_

"YEOWCH!" I yelped, digging my hands beneath my hood and trying to grab ahold of Soundbite. "WHAT THE HELL, YOU LITTLE PEST!?"

" **YOU WERE TALKING** _CRAZY!"_

"Can you blame me?!" I demanded. "It's hot, it's dry, and there's been nothing but sand, sand, and more sand for _six hours_! At this point, I'll sing freaking _showtunes_ if it means seeing a freaking _rock_ , just to break the monotony!"

"Quit bellyaching and walk, Cross, or you're gonna be looking at sand for that much longer," Zoro grunted as he trudged past me. It was at least gratifying to see his red, sweaty face and uncomfortable grimace.

"And just for the record," Vivi noted as she walked past, looking disgustingly unbothered by the, to reiterate, _hot hot heat._ "You're not _anything_ of Alabasta. At least, not if I have anything to say about it."

"I thought we were past this!" I demanded as I forced myself to keep walking.

"I might understand, but I'm still mad!"

"Tch, airhead…"

"Would you mind speaking a little louder, please? I couldn't hear you over your _raging—!"_

"Quiet, you two, don't make me pull this caravan over…" Nami muttered blearily.

"Yes, mom…" Vivi and I sighed.

"Ugh, my blisters have blisters…" Usopp groaned behind us.

"I think I might be getting used to the heat," Chopper panted from where he was strapped to Eyelashes' hump. He attempted to sit up, before slumping back down with a groan. "As a doctor, I can confirm that this is not even _remotely_ healthy…"

"Well, look on the bright side: we don't have to worry about the food rotting anymore," Sanji calmly informed us.

"Really? How come?" Luffy asked curiously.

"BECAUSE YOU JUST ATE THE LAST OF IT, JACKASS!"

 _THWACK!_

"ACK!"

I raised my hand to my forehead and shaded my eyes, looking upwards and whistling in awe as I watched Luffy fly by. "Good arc, impressive velocity…I give it a nine out of ten."

Vivi cocked her eyebrow as we all watched Luffy reach the peak of his trajectory. "And why not a full ten?"

"Eh, it all depends on his distance. If he lands on the other side of the next dune—"

WHUMP!

Luffy impacted the dune and went _through_ the very top, kicking up a huge cloud of sand and dust.

"Eh…" I waved my hand side-to-side. "Not bad, not bad, but he _did_ hit the top, so... nine-point-five?"

Everyone else clapped politely, to which Sanji responded with a bow. "Thank you, thank you. You're too kind, really."

"Hey, guys!" Luffy shouted as he ran up the top of the dune, waving his hand. "I just saw green!"

"Luffy, what did we tell you about eating the cacti?"

"They're not _that_ bad!"

"YOU TRIED TO _EAT_ CHOPPER, WHEN YOU WEREN'T _SLEEP-EATING!"_

"Do I need to prepare the sedative again?" Chopper groaned.

"No, really, guys, I didn't hallucinate this! And it wasn't a mystery mira—!"

" _I will break you,_ Luffy _,"_ Nami intoned darkly.

"Let's just get this over with," Zoro sighed, brushing past us and trudging up to the top of the dune. We all watched, confused, as he froze, then whooped— _whooped!_ —and ran back towards us.

"Guys, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Luffy's right!" he informed us, grinning like a loon. "There _is_ green. I think we've found Rainbase." He frowned at the expressions on our faces. "What's up with you guys?"

"I have seen the face of evil…" Vivi whispered in terror, before pausing as she reconsidered. "Again."

"W-Who are you and what have you done with Zoro?" Usopp stammered.

"What do you mean?! I'm me!" he barked indignantly.

"Lies! Zoro does _not_ smile unless it's to promise death to his prey!" I hissed fearfully.

"Or unless there's booze involved," Usopp added.

" _OR_ _unless he_ **gets one over on** SANJI _**or**_ NAMI _**or**_ **CROSS** ," Soundbite contributed.

"We'd better check to be sure: who is the second greatest traveller alive?" Sanji asked, grinning.

"THAT ONLY APPLIES TO THE SNAIL-BRAT, SHIT-COOK!" Zoro roared furiously.

"It's him," we chorused flatly. Everyone's eyes then widened in realization as the facts finally processed.

"WATER!" Luffy and Usopp whooped as they ran to the top of the dune, the rest of us close on their heels.

Indeed, there on the horizon lay a large, sprawling city. One might assume that the oasis we beheld was a paradise, a safe haven from the heat and the dangers of the desert. And it was, at least in the sense that it was a relief from the heat of the desert. However, the crocodile-topped pyramid that crowned the cityscape soundly disabused us of any notion of safety.

"Rainbase at last…" I sighed thankfully, before hauling my pack off of my shoulders and pulling out my armor.

" _We're_ **he~ere…"** Soundbite sang, his tone somewhere between gleeful and ominous.

"IT'S TIME TO KICK CROCODILE'S ASS!" Luffy roared at the top of his lungs.

"AFTER WE GET SOME WATER!" Usopp bellowed at the same volume.

"AGREED!" Luffy concurred.

"Do you two think you could tone it down a bit?" Zoro huffed. He sighed as the rest of us gave him flat looks, Chopper even going so far as to lean up and _stare_ at the swordsman. "Withdrawn."

Vivi frowned as she scrutinized the golden crocodile overlooking the city. "Crocodile…" she muttered despondently.

I made to walk over to her, but thought better of it. I doubted I was a particularly comforting figure for her, and besides, I was busy kneeling over as I slid my armor onto my leg. I glanced meaningfully at Nami. The navigator took the hint and promptly slid off of Eyelashes before putting a hand on the Princess' shoulder and giving her a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry, Vivi. We're going to help you fix everything, and there won't be any more surprises along the way. Right, Cross?" she added dangerously. I raised my hands in surrender as Vivi looked at me.

"I promise, I promise. I won't hold anything back that could help anymore," I said, then froze as a thought came to my mind, remembering how Vivi greeted Crocodile in Rain Dinners.

"Actually, I should tell you—"

"HEY, CROSS! YOU HAVE ANY MONEY ON YOU?!"

I jumped as Luffy shouted an inch from my ear, and glared at him.

"Yes, Luffy, I'm a member of this crew and thus I generally have a considerable amount of money on me at any given time," I drawled flatly, twisting my wrist and latching my gauntlet in place. "I'm sorry, have you been sailing with some _other_ crew thus far!?"

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion. "No, I've been sailing with you guys. Are you stupid or something?"

I slapped my currently unarmored hand to my face with a growl. "I'm starting to ask myself that question _every_ day…" I muttered under my breath.

"What took you so long?" Nami deadpanned as she accepted three metal tubes from Usopp.

"I like to think of myself as an optimist…" I sighed before eyeing her disassembled staff. "So, you ready to use that thing?"

Nami frowned uncomfortably as she balanced the rods in her hand before nodding firmly. "As ready as I'll ever be. I've read the instruction manual, so _assuming_ that Usopp learned his lesson…" At that, she gave Usopp a menacing glare that he returned in my direction. "Even if I'm not confident enough to take on Crocodile or anything like that—!"

"Yeah, no, you would get _eviscerated_ ," I cheerfully informed her. "In ten seconds flat. Eight for monologuing, one to laugh at you, and one to do the actual eviscerating."

"Cross," Sanji cut in with just as much pleasantness as he clapped his hand down on my shoulder. "I don't mind the brutal honesty so much considering who we're fighting against, but if you keep talking about Nami-swan like that, I will break your twig-spine over my knee."

"Duly noted," I nodded calmly. "In all seriousness, though, anyone lower than Mr. 2, you should be able to take down, so take confidence in your abilities. Back in the story, the person you fought—"

"CROSS!"

"Ahem…" I coughed nervously as I tugged at my collar. "Well, let's just say that as things are now, you are going to bounce her skull off the sand, and leave it at that."

Nami considered for a moment before smiling and nodding, visibly encouraged. I frowned as I thought about the others' battles: Sanji would wipe the floor with Bon Clay, and Chopper and Usopp had upgraded their weapons and skills, and honestly, Usopp could use the character development either way…

I looked back at the first mate.

"I won't spoil too much, Zoro, but I'd recommend that you start reflecting on some of your sensei's lessons that you don't understand yet. He was…" I thought things over for a moment before paling in realization. "Yeah, he was _way_ stronger than you'd expect from someone in the East Blue, because suffice to say, that sword was _not_ blunt."

"Crooooossssss!" Luffy whined, interrupting me. "Are you done talking yet? I wanna get water!"

"Yeah, come on, let's _go!"_ Usopp concurred.

"Uh, okay okay okay, one second..." I furiously wracked my mind for any other bits of advice. "Alright, don't fight Miss All Sunday, if she sees you, you're already dead. Well, maybe not you, Luffy, but you've gotta fight Crocodile, so don't let her distract you from that—"

"REALITY IS AN ILLUSION, _the planet is a mirage,_ **buy gold,** _ **LET'S GO ALREADY!"**_ Soundbite barked.

"Huh?" I blinked in confusion…before clenching my eyes shut with a groan as I felt a hand grab the back of my coat. "Oh, _for the love of…"_ I snapped my goggles down over my eyes. "Here we go ag—AUGH!"

"WAAAATEEEEER!" Luffy howled as he made a mad dash for Rainbase, dragging me along behind him, Usopp running alongside us and somehow managing to keep pace while everyone else (camel included) scrambled to catch up.

Within a minute, we'd lost sight of the rest of the crew in the dust cloud that two of the crew's three stooges were kicking up.

Within two _,_ Luffy and Usopp were in the city, making a beeline for the nearest bar.

Within _three,_ they'd kicked down the bar's door and were asking for water with all the table manners of the Dadan family, their asses parked on the first seats they saw.

Which just so happened to be right next to Captain Smoker and Officer Tashigi. Credit where it was due, my crewmates always somehow knew how to be at the right place at the right time for maximum shenanigans. And that, in and of itself, was twenty different shades of impressive.

I took a moment to dust myself off before sitting myself down between my friends and our current enemies, shooting a grin at Captain Smoker as I slid my goggles back onto my forehead. "Hello again, Smokey. Fancy seeing one of the only decent Marine officers in the East Blue here! I don't suppose I could borrow that jutte for a second, could I? I'd like to dopeslap my captain and actually have it stick for once."

Tashigi blinked at me in confusion. "Wait, aren't you—?"

"Cross," Smoker interrupted, giving me a decidedly unimpressed look. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't crack your skull open right here, right now."

"How about two?" I grinned, holding my fingers up. "A, I'm guessing that you have questions about basically everything that's been going on thus far. And B?" I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder with a flat look. "If I move an inch, these two dumbasses will spray you with their backwash, and nobody here wants that, do we?"

" **I DO I DO I DO!"** Soundbite piped up eagerly, causing Smoker to glare in the snail's general direction and Tashigi to jump in shock.

"Sorry, I meant nobody who isn't a natural-born jackass," I corrected.

"D-Did that snail just—!?" Tashigi started to stammer.

"Devil Fruit," Smoker and I deadpanned.

The officer blinked in surprise before nodding slowly. "Uh…U-Understood, sir."

Smoker turned his attention back to me, apparently weighing his options. Then he blew out a perfect smoke ring as he sighed.

"…You're about as fast a talker as that snail of yours, Cross," he grumbled, prompting grins from both Soundbite and me.

"Ask away, Smokey," I said cheerfully.

"C-Captain!" Tashigi jerked in shock. "This is against—!"

" _Tashigi._ "

The officer stiffened fearfully as Smoker pinned her to her stool with a flinty glare.

"It's so hot that I'm sweating blood, my coat is carrying around half my weight in sand, and for all that Alabasta's culture is rich and vibrant, these people can't roll a cigar worth _shit,"_ Smoker snarled viciously. "In short, I am prepared to meet every last one of Cross's accusations against the Navy so long as it means _getting the hell off this island."_ He leaned in close. " _Is. That. Clear."_

Tashigi paled more than should have been possible _anywhere_ in this country during the daytime as she nodded frantically and snapped up a salute. "C-C-Crystal, sir!"

I grinned cheekily and chuckled as I watched the exchange. "I'm glad to see I'm not the only one with this opinion. Vivi might be my friend, but this kingdom is a place only a mostly pure-hearted princess who's lived her whole life here could love."

Smoker turned his glare back at me. "Let's make that my first question: how are you and Crocodile involved with this kingdom?"

I made a show of being perfectly relaxed as I glanced at the barkeep and tapped on the countertop. "'Scuse me, my good man, can I get some water for my friends here?" Smoker literally began to fume as the bartender nodded and I looked back at him.

"Now, then!" I clapped and nodded firmly. "Let's start with the basics: the rebellion. The reason everything went to hell so fast in this kingdom is that the criminal organization you're tracking down here, Baroque Works, has been actively inciting unrest amongst the populace. If they have their way, they'll butcher this nation from gut to gizzard. As you can imagine, that's something Vivi wants to stop at all costs."

Smoker cocked an eyebrow at me. "And how does Crocodile figure into this mess?"

I snorted darkly. "Crocodile's the founder and _leader_ of Baroque Works. He's the root cause of this madness, and if he has his way, everyone on this sandy rock will tear themselves to pieces."

"What!?" Tashigi jerked in shock. "You can't possibly be serious! Crocodile is a Warlord of the Sea, they—!"

"Of the current lineup of Warlords, only Jinbe and Hancock can be defined as even close to being decent sapient beings," I deadpanned. "The rest are all varying levels of dicks, with Kuma and Mihawk being on the fence. Trust me: with the World Government's hiring tendencies, _this_ is perfectly par for the course. Hell, compared to Doflamingo, Crocodile's operation is _tame."_

I felt my blood surge as the countertop splintered under Smoker's grip. It had been awhile since I'd been in the _fun_ kind of danger! Damn, I'd _missed_ this rush.

The Captain gnawed on his cigars for a moment before speaking. "That's one hell of a claim. I trust you have some way of backing it up."

I smirked and gave the man a shrug. "That's the easy part: We're on our way to Rain Dinners to confront the bastard right now. You come with us, chances are that he'll monologue to you guys too before trying to kill us all. What do you say, Captain? You in?"

The smoke-man remained silent for a moment as he stared at me, before looking away with a snort. "Tempting, but you're still a criminal and I came here for a reason: To throw you and your crewmates in _prison._ First I'll deal with you, and then I'll deal with Crocodile."

I spread my arms with a sigh. "Fair enough, fair enough. Though, of course, I do hope you realize that we _will_ be running like hell, right?"

"Tsk…" Smoker snorted derisively as he signaled Tashigi, prompting her to stand up and grip Shigure's hilt. "I wouldn't expect anything less from you lowlife scum. Any last requests?"

I considered the statement for a moment before grinning cheekily. "Yeaaaah, I've got one…" I leaned back slightly and cracked my back. "Can we have a head start?"

Tashigi face-faulted, Soundbite began cackling, and Smoker narrowed his eyes as he grabbed the hilt of his jutte. "Not on your life, brat."

"I'm eigh—!" I started to belt out before sighing in defeat. "Oh, screw it, with any luck that'll change sooner or later. Anyways, I expected that. For now, though, let me remind you of one of the basic characteristics of a pirate…" I allowed myself a grin as I caught sight of the bartender coming up to us with two barrel-esque mugs of water. "We _cheat._ "

Just as Tashigi started to close in on me, now glaring daggers behind her glasses, the bartender set said mugs on the counter. The second the mugs hit the wood, I leaned back on my stool and elbowed Luffy, drawing his attention. With my body no longer obscuring my crewmates' views, the two sprayed two barrels' worth of water in the Marines' faces, granting me the opportunity to add to their distraction by grabbing the fresh mugs and repurposing them as hats, though they seemed to be a size or ten too big judging by the way they completely engulfed their heads.

" _ **HAHAHA**_ HEEHEEHEE _HOOHOOHOO_!" Soundbite cackled, tears streaming out of his eyes.

"BOOK IT!" I roared as I bolted out of the bar, Luffy and Usopp hot on my tail.

"YOU COULDN'T HAVE WARNED US ABOUT THEM SOONER!?" Usopp snarled incredulously.

"And ruin the surprise? Are you nuts?" I shot back at him in mock incredulity.

"What the heck are the Marines doing here anyways!?" Luffy questioned in a panic.

"Smoker's a hard-assed paragon of justice who managed to catch wind of Baroque Works, it'd be more of a surprise if he _wasn't_ here! Now, if you'll excuse me for a second, I need to make a call." I slid my headphones over my ear, Soundbite promptly connecting me to the rest of the crew. "Heads up, guys, negotiations with Smoker have gone down the toilet. He's right on our tails!"

"GET BACK HERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

I cursed under my breath and accelerated my pace as Tashigi screamed after us, a scream accompanied by a myriad of stomping feet and cries of encouragement. "OK, correction, _all_ the Marines in Rainbase are on our tail! Still, good news for you, Zoro: Tashigi's more focused on taking my head then yours!"

" _What the hell did you do, dumbass!?"_ Nami screamed through the connection.

"I…might have had Luffy and Usopp spray them with several gallons of water," I hedged. "Oh, and I also dumped a couple of mugs over their heads."

"… _do you even know the_ definition _of the word 'negotiation'!?"_

"Did you honestly expect anything else from us?" I immediately shot back.

" _He's got a point,"_ Zoro commented.

Strangled sounds of rage filtered through the connection.

" _Alright, enough!"_ Vivi interrupted. " _Cross, where are you now!?"_

"Umm…" I trailed off as I searched the streets for any indications…before blinking in surprise as we rounded a corner. "Huh, actually we're right here! Hey, guys!" I waved at our suddenly panicked crewmates.

"DON'T LEAD THEM RIGHT TO US, JACKASSES!" Nami shrieked viciously.

"Damn it! Come on, we need to run!" Zoro snarled.

"And you should probably hide your face unless you want Tashigi to rip it off!" I commented.

"Wait, Tony's not back yet!" Vivi interjected hastily.

"Yeah, but we don't have the time to find him!" Zoro snapped, grabbing Vivi by the arm and taking off running. "He's smart, he'll know to lay low. Now, _come on!"_

"Hey, wait!" Nami spoke up hastily. "Vivi, you're _royalty_! Can't you just order them to leave us alone or something!?"

"Not if we want to stay undercover, I can't!"

I grimaced as I noticed a few 'random' bystanders glancing at pictures they were holding. "Yeah, no, we are _way_ past being incognito! And besides that, Smoker's a practitioner of what I like to call 'cowboy justice'. Suffice to say that nothing short of the word of _God_ can get him off our asses, and even then I have some _serious_ doubts!"

"So, what do we do now, then?" Sanji asked.

"Now we go kick Crocodile's ass! Where do we find him, Vivi?" Luffy asked eagerly.

Soundbite gave our captain a look. " **ARE YOU BLIND** _or flat-out_ STUPID!?"

"Yes," Nami and I deadpanned together.

"It's the big building with the golden crocodile on it, Luffy!" Vivi spoke up, pointing out Rain Dinners. "It's his casino! He runs Baroque Works from it!"

"And what do we do about the Marines trying to arrest us!?" Usopp squawked in a panic.

"Psh, they're not— _oh holy shit there's a lot of them!"_ Seriously, I'd seen angry mobs that were smaller. And less pissed off.

"If I had to guess, I'd say we split up?" Sanji said to me.

"Correctamundo!"

"Sounds like a good idea," Zoro nodded in agreement. "Cross, do you think you can keep Tashigi away from me?"

"She's not Kuina, and you're only pissing her off more by not fighting her, man! Also, wouldn't Kuina herself be kicking your ass for acting like a little bitch about this?"

"Just do it already! First mate's orders!"

"Alright, alright, fine, I'll do it, eesh!" I growled, rolling my eyes. "Alright, now I just need to figure out how I'm going to get her—"

"AND NOW, _for a limited time only,_ **AS REQUESTED BY JEREMIAH CROSS!"** Soundbite roared loud enough for the whole street to hear. " _CHASE MUSIC!"_ And with that, the air was filled with a _far_ too familiar beat. A slightly twangy set of synth chords, accompanied by some sort of percussion. Cymbals, perhaps?

Then I heard the first lyrics, and I felt the blood drain from my face.

"'Animal print pants out of control'?" I repeated in numb shock. "Oh, don't tell me—"

" _I'm sexy and I know it!"_

I groaned and let my face fall into my palm. "Well, if she didn't want to kill me before—GYERK!" I squawked in panic as Nami grabbed my collar and forced us face-to-face.

" _She's not the only one!"_ she snarled viciously.

"BLAME THE SNAIL! BLAME THE SNAIL!" I hastily squawked.

"Punch Cross later, Nami!" Luffy laughed. "For now, let's go! We'll meet back up—!" He threw his arms out and launched himself up towards the rooftop. "AT THE CASINO! HEY, SMOKEY! COME AND GET ME!"

"YOU'RE MINE, KID!" Smoker roared as he blew up after him.

"Come on, Cross, this way!" Nami barked, indicating me to follow her and Sanji while Usopp, Vivi, and Zoro took off in another direction.

"So, do you think you managed to get that beautiful officer to follow us?" Sanji cooed eagerly.

I opened my mouth to respond…

"AFTER THEM!"

And promptly gulped nervously as a furious voice shrieked after us. "That's a _yes._ If there's one thing Tashigi hates more than someone using a sword for evil, it's someone insulting her womanhood!"

"Oh, yeah, speaking of that!" Nami growled viciously at me.

"Ah—IDEA!" I squawked hastily. "How about I split up from you guys so that I can draw her away, while _you_ all run for the hills and Sanji doesn't get his ass kicked because he won't defend himself?"

Nami blinked in shock before frowning in concern. "You're sure you'll be fine?"

"Eh…" I tilted my hand side-to-side. "I think so? Worse comes to worst, I'll just have Soundbite empty their innards something fierce. Have fun in Rain Dinners! Oh!" I snapped my fingers in realization. "And if worst comes to, well, even worst yet, enforce your executive authority so that Luffy _doesn't_ pull something braindead."

"Of course…" Nami groaned, rolling her eyes.

Coming up on an intersection, I spun around and ran backwards, waving at Tashigi as I did so. "HEY, TASHIGI, LIKE THE MUSIC? I PICKED IT SPECIFICALLY WITH YOU IN MIND!"

More than a few veins bulged on the officer's forehead as she wrenched Shigure from its sheath. "I WILL _CASTRATE_ YOU, YOU FUCKING PIG!"

"YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!" I spun around and turned towards the right. "Good luck, you guys!"

"You too!" they concurred as they split left.

I shouldered my way through the relatively crowded streets of Rainbase, dodging around civilians and doing my best to stay the hell away from any shifty figures who were leering at me with a _little_ too much viciousness, Soundbite's soundtrack blaring all the while.

"Any idea how many are coming after us?" I panted hastily.

" **Ehh..."** Soundbite took a moment to concentrate. " _Going by_ **all the heartbeats,** _I'D SAY TWENTY,_ TWENTY-FIVE… **PLUS THE SWORD-BITCH!"**

"Hey, show her some—!"

BANG!

"GAH!" I yelped, ducking as a bullet whizzed _right_ past my ear. "Son of a—!"

"OH, _**and they've got guns."**_

"Thanks for the heads-up!" I spat. "And as I was saying, knock it off with the sexist crap! She might be our enemy, but she still deserves _some_ respect."

" **YEAH, WELL—** _ **GAH!"**_ Soundbite jerked his head into his shell as _another_ bullet nearly turned him into sticky paste. "THE WOMAN YOU'RE RESPECTING _wants your nads_ **on a platter!** _AND SHE'LL HAVE THEM_ _ **unless you fucking RUN!"**_

"Right, right…" I ground out as I looked around fretfully. Come on, come on, there had to be _some_ way out of this. Years of videogaming, don't fail me now!

Suddenly, I managed to catch sight of an open window coming up ahead of me. OK, to be specific, Assassin's Creed III, don't fail me now!

"Hold on!" I hissed out as I turned towards the window. "Pardon me!" I barked as I vaulted over the windowsill, darting through the home's halls and ignoring the shrieks of the house's inhabitants as I made my way past them. I left the house as swiftly as I went into it, shouldering open a door and dashing out into an alleyway.

"Think I lost them?" I asked.

" _Split up and surround this block! Cover every entrance and exit and scour the alleys! DO NOT LET HIM ESCAPE!"_ Soundbite relayed in Tashigi's infuriated voice.

"Didn't think so," I cursed under my breath. "Alright, start throwing up false trails, give me a way out of here!"

Soundbite clenched his eyes shut and concentrated for a second before growling unhappily. " _Too many_ **to guarantee** ANYTHING! _THINK YOU CAN_ _ **handle one**_ **IN A PINCH?"**

I scowled as I snapped my baton to full length. "Looks like I'll have to. Do it."

And just like that, the air was filled with the sounds of running coming from every direction, as well as my own voice flinging taunts and jabs from a multitude of corners and alleyways. Soundbite indicated a direction with his eyestalks, apparently too busy with his—

"Drop the damn music and _concentrate!"_ I hissed at him. "Or at least keep it out of my headphones! I don't know what's giving me more of a headache, the beat or the lyrics!"

"AHEH! _Sorry!"_ Soundbite chuckled sheepishly as he discontinued the connection to my headphones, so that I only felt the music in my bones as opposed to directly inside my head. " **Catchy, though!** _ **Oh, and take a right!"**_

"Got it!" I nodded as I complied.

It wasn't exactly easy going. I had to sneak through a number of alleyways, and all too often I had a too-close call on account of Marines passing in different directions. Still, at least I was making some progress. Hopefully I'd be able to get out of here soon enough and find some way of rendezvousing with Sanji and Chopper…on second thought, preferably Chopper. At least _he_ wouldn't fold like a leaf in front of Tashigi.

" _Heads up,_ _ **company up ahead! ONE BOGEY INCOMING"**_

Yeah, that figured.

I felt myself break out in a cold sweat as I realized that I was in an alleyway with the only way out being a turn to the right up ahead. I made to turn around—

" _NO!_ TOO MANY! **She's starting to coordinate,** _ignoring my false leads!_ _**You need to go through!"**_

Oooof course I did.

"Alright…" I muttered to myself as I started to creep towards the corner, making sure to press myself against the wall. "How fast is he coming?"

" **Slow,** _methodical."_

"Perfect…" I stood with my back to the wall at the very edge of the corner, tense and ready to go. "Once he's at the corner, tell me. I'll suckerpunch him, then you hit him with the subsonics. Ready?"

" _As I'll ever be…"_ Soundbite muttered to himself.

"Then let's do this," I nodded in agreement. The seconds ticked by at a crawl. I could feel every beat of my heart, every bead of sweat on my forehead.

Finally…

" _Now!"_

I swung out from around the corner and took a moment to identify just where the startled Marine was before spinning on my heel, ramming my elbow into the poor bastard's face with as much of my momentum as I could put into it. It was a credit to the soldier's will that all he did was stumble and curse as he clutched his nose, as opposed to just flat-out collapsing.

Still, if the way he doubled over and started to dry-heave was anything to go by, not even Marine fortitude could withstand having Soundbite play the rendition of Chopsticks from hell directly on their eardrums.

I capitalized on the soldier's distraction by grabbing the brim of his hat and using it as leverage in order to slam his face down into my knee. I finished by snapping my baton down across the back of his head, causing him to collapse and leaving me holding his hat.

" **FATALITY!"** Soundbite boomed.

"Oh, shit, please no…" I cursed as I dropped to my knee and felt around his neck. "Please, please…"

I promptly sagged in relief as I felt that tell-tale heartbeat. "Oh, thank God…" I sighed. I patted his shoulder as I stood back up and gave him a slight salute. "Thank you for your services."

"CROSS!"

I clenched my eyes shut with a hiss. " _Oooof_ course…"

" _Of course, of course, you twit,_ " Soundbite drawled.

"Not now!" I hissed before slowly turning around, finding myself face-to-face with Tashigi and several dozen troops beside. "…I don't suppose you'd believe it was self-defense, would you?"

The dozen rifles that were suddenly cocked and pointed my way were answer enough.

"Fair enough…" I tensed slightly as I prepared to run, but before I did I decided to ask _one_ question. "Let me just ask you this."

I slipped the cap I was holding over my head. "How does it look? Really, I want your honest opinion: hat? No hat?"

BANG BANG BANG!

"ACK!" I ducked and dodged as bullets whizzed by me, hastily bolting down the alley away from them all. "TAKING THAT AS A MAYBE!"

As I ran down the alleyway, bullets whizzing by me, I made a silent resolution: no more Mister Nice Guy.

And honestly, that was as much my creeping exhaustion as anything else. I still wasn't fully recovered from that damn desert trek.

"Soundbite…" I panted. "Where's the nearest concentration of civilians?"

" _I've got_ **AN EVEN BETTER** _ **idea!"**_ Soundbite replied, grinning. " _TAKE THE NEXT RIGHT._ I'LL LAY SOME TRAILS **and wire you the sound."**

I didn't respond, too busy panting, but I did turn right. I heard the Marines charge past and then turn _left_ , followed shortly by the squawking of a large number of chickens.

"Good idea, Soundbite…" I panted, before grabbing the small canteen I was carrying and taking a swig of water. Warm, and somewhat salty, but it was water. "OK. That's probably not going to distract them for long, so we need to keep throwing false trails like this. Which means you need to be on high alert for anything unpleasant to send them after, okay?"

" **Aye-aye,** _ **cap'n!"**_

"There he is!"

I bit back a curse and ran the other direction as a Marine pointed at me from the other end of the alley. Luckily he didn't have a gun, or I'd have likely ended up perforated.

And as I rounded the corner, I caught sight of a pile of discarded refuse and had myself an _idea_.

"Slight change of plans, Soundbite," I said, stowing the snail in my jacket before slipping said jacket off and tossing it into the pile, followed by me slipping my goggles over my eyes and bringing my facemask over my mouth. "Turn off the music for a sec, swap my voice for the voice of one Sergeant Hartman, and _be quiet_."

" _The hell are you—!_ **Ooooh…** _ **YOU'RE GOING**_ **BAVARIAN,** EH?"

"That's the plan…" I nodded slowly as I dug an old but passable coat from the refuse and draped it over myself. I then unclasped the armor from my arms, and hid it alongside my jacket, along with my headphones. Here's hoping these guys didn't think to look down.

"Alright…now!"

Within moments of me saying the words, a trio of Marines rounded the corner, weapons at the ready.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MARINES?!" I immediately shouted in a foreign voice without so much as a hello.

"What the—!?" The lead soldier jumped in shock before he hastily tried to rally. "Who are you?"

"WHO AM I? _WHO AM I!?"_ I scoffed, jabbing my thumb at my cap. "ARE YOU BLIND AS WELL AS RETARDED, MAGGOT?! I AM A _MARINE,_ SHITSTAIN! I WOULD SAY I WAS A MARINE LIKE YOU, BUT HONESTLY, IF I WERE EVEN HALF THAT PATHETIC, I WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF AGES AGO SO AS TO DO THE WORLD A MERCY! AND YOU HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTION, SO I'M GOING TO ASK AGAIN: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU SACKS OF SHIT?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE CHASING THE PIRATE!"

"Wh—th-that's what we were doing!" the soldier defended incredulously. "He came down this way!"

"ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THAT STREET-RAT THAT JUST PASSED ME!?" I spat incredulously. "GOOD GOD MAN, YOU MUST BE A SPECIAL KIND OF RETARDED, BECAUSE ONLY A GENUINELY GIFTED NUMBSKULL COULD HAVE MISTAKEN THAT BRAT FOR A PIRATE!"

"I—what—no! Th-That's not possible, I was certain that I saw that Transponder Snail of his on his shoulder!" the Marine denied.

"WELL LA-DI-DA, YOU WERE _CERTAIN,_ WERE YOU!?" I barked out. "ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU SAW IT, COMPLETELY BEYOND EACH AND EVERY DOUBT!?"

"Ah…uh…" The Marine stumbled as he and his compatriots exchanged hesitant looks. "I, uh, I _thought—!"_

"WELL, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM RIGHT THERE, SHITSTAIN!" I roared clear into his face as I jabbed his chest. "YOU _THOUGHT!_ YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO _THINK,_ MAGGOT, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW ORDERS AND FIGHT AND DIE FOR THE WORLD GOVERNMENT, NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS, _IS THAT CLEAR YOU PATHETIC PIECES OF AFTERBIRTH!?"_

"SIR, YES SIR!" the Marines barked, snapping into uniform salutes instantaneously.

"GOOD GOD, YOU BASTARDS ACTUALLY HAVE _HALF_ A BRAIN BETWEEN THE LOT OF YOU! IT'S A MIRACLE! NOW!" I jabbed my finger out behind me. "AS YOU IGNORAMI HAVE NO DOUBT FORGOTTEN, WE ARE STILL ON THE TRAIL OF A COLD-BLOODED CRIMINAL! NOW, YOU WILL EITHER CONTINUE THE PURSUIT IN A TIMELY MANNER, OR I WILL HAVE YOU HOLYSTONING THE DECKS UNTIL YOU MOVE UP IN RANK, AND BELIEVE YOU ME, _THAT DAY WILL NOT COME WHILE I AM STILL ALIVE, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, MAGGOTS!?"_

"SIR, YES SIR!"

"THEN MOVE YOUR ASSES BEFORE I CUT THEM OFF AND HANG THEM OVER MY _MANTLEPIECE!_ MOVE MOVE _MOVE!"_

The Marines promptly moved, running down the alleyway as fast as their legs could carry them. Within seconds, they turned a corner and were out of sight.

I kept my back straight and my chest puffed out imperiously for a moment longer…

" _They're gone!"_

Before letting myself slump forward with a sigh of relief.

" _Oh-thank-you-baby-Jesus-that-was-way-too-close…"_ I slid the old coat off my shoulders and put my own back on along with my headphones, followed by me refastening my armor. "Well, at least that worked. I guess that working on the stage was a good class after all!"

" _ **You learned**_ DRAMA?" Soundbite asked me incredulously.

"Eh…" I shrugged as I pulled him out and put him on my shoulder. "Stagework, and it was just the one play, but I got the gist. Besides, overacting is easier than regular acting. In all honesty, I'd say I did good!"

I froze as the sound of metal sliding against metal rang out.

"I think you could use a few more lessons."

I cast a sidelong glare at a panicked Soundbite before slowly raising my arms over my head. "Yeah, that _would_ be how this turns out, wouldn't it?" I slowly turned around and eyed Officer Tashigi, who had Shigure pointed at my face, and the half-dozen Marines accompanying her, all of whom had their guns trained on me. "For the record, _Soundbite_ chose the music, and I only said what I did to get your attention. I respect you, your womanhood, and your ability to _totally_ gut me like a fish."

Tashigi sniffed darkly, her stance unwavering. "Excuse me if I don't believe the words of a nutcase pirate from a certifiable crew, especially when he's currently at swordpoint."

I grimaced and nodded slowly. "Fair enough, fair enough…" I started to glance towards Soundbite.

Tashigi jerked her sword at Soundbite. "If he makes so much as a peep, I'll make what you did to Petty Officer Cannali seem like an act of kindness."

" **EEP!"** Soundbite yelped, promptly withdrawing into his shell.

I withheld a curse. Well, that was one avenue of escape burnt. "The Marine I hurt is alright? I checked his pulse, but I obviously couldn't stick around for a more comprehensive check."

"You gave him a concussion, but he'll live. Not that you care," Tashigi growled.

I frowned, and for lack of a better option, decided to try stalling for time; maybe I would be able to call for Sanji or Chopper and one of them would show up…though once again, preferably Chopper, given present company. "You really think that just because I'm a pirate, I don't care about killing a Marine? I guess this is why you're only Smoker's protégé; _he_ knows when to put prejudice aside, but you're still following orders as blindly as those mooks I scared off. And yes, I do mean mooks. Competent, evil, loyal: pick two."

"The Navy is _not_ evil!" Tashigi barked reflexively.

"Call me crazy, but I think that more than a few people on Sabaody might disagree," I drawled.

Tashigi frowned in confusion. "What are you—?"

"Public Employment Security Offices," I spat acridly. " _Look it up."_

The officer continued to try and read me for a moment longer before sheathing Shigure and glancing at her soldiers. "Put him in cuffs. We'll take him back to base camp and then we'll rendezvous with Captain Smoker at Rain Dinners Casino."

I ground my teeth as I extended my wrists towards the soldiers in question. Well, _this_ was a fine situation I found myself in. With any luck, even if the rest of the crew didn't rescue me before heading out towards Alubarna, Tashigi would be forced to take me along with her when she and the Marines went themselves. From there, well…we'd be in a _literal_ warzone. They wouldn't be able to watch me forever. Baroque Works was a factor, but with any luck things would turn out for the better.

Naturally, right as I thought that, the air was filled with the sound of blaring sirens.

"What the heck!?" I jumped in shock.

" **DANGER! DANGER!** _AWOOGA, AWOOGA!_ _ **DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!"**_ Soundbite shrieked, if not at the top of his lungs then damn near it.

"I told you to silence that snail, Cross!" Tashigi snarled, whipping her hand to her sword's hilt.

"I can't control him, and I didn't tell him to do this!" I shot back frantically. "Soundbite, what's wrong!?"

" **SOMETHING'S COMING OUR WAY!** _IT'S WIPING OUT EVERYONE IT RUNS INTO!_ _**IT'S ALL OVER!**_ WE NEED TO RUN, NOW!

"Do you _really_ think I'm going to fall for that old trick? Do you think I'm _stupid?"_ Tashigi snarled at Soundbite.

"Officer, Soundbite is arrogant to hell and back, but he's got _some_ degree of intelligence in him!" I hastily interceded. "Believe me, he's terrified of dying like anyone else, and thus he's scared of you! He wouldn't be risking you running him through for some cockamamie scheme that I sure as hell didn't greenlight! Whatever the hell he's talking about, it's _real!"_

"As though I would ever trust the word of a _pirate!"_ the Marine spat viciously.

"Now is not the time for your misguided—!"

"OFFICER TASHIGI!"

My words were cut off by a trio of screams coming from the end of the alleyway. A second later, the Marines I'd given the run around shot out like bats from hell, running towards us at full tilt with panic in their eyes.

"OFFICER TASHIGI, WE NEED TO RUN, NOW!" the leading soldier screamed desperately. "WE'RE ALL IN DANGER!"

"What—?" Tashigi started to ask, before cutting herself off as the danger in question followed the Marines.

A wave of…okay, there's no way to put this that sounds wholesome. It was a massive wave of white, viscous-looking liquid, bearing down on us in a flood of halfway _biblical_ proportions.

"HURRY!" the Marine screamed. "YOU NEED TO RUN! _RU—!"_

That was all he managed to say before the wave overtook him and engulfed him and his compatriots entirely, continuing its uncontrollable cascade towards us without pause.

" **RUN, BOY,** _ **RUUUUUN!"**_ Soundbite screeched.

" _MOVE, DAMN IT!"_ I screamed, grabbing Tashigi's jacket and dragging her alongside me as I ran to keep the _hell_ away from whatever the hell was coming after us.

And so we ran, pirate and Marines alike. We ran at full tilt, putting our all into staying the hell away from the deluge that was following us. However, our efforts were for naught. No matter how fast we ran, how many turns we took, the flood stayed _right_ on our tails. All-consuming, ever-encroaching…all we _could_ do was run.

And eventually, even that wasn't enough.

" _ **IT'S**_ **RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!"** Soundbite shrieked in panic. I spared the snail an incredulous, horrified glance for a single second before the truth of his words became clear.

With chilling silence, a _second_ wave gushed around an upcoming corner, crashing against the walls of a building before inevitably coursing towards us.

We all slid to a halt, glancing back and forth in horror as we tried to find _some_ way out.

And just like that, I managed to find one.

I didn't think. I didn't take a moment to consider, I didn't even dare _wait._

With a grunt of exertion, I threw my body forwards and tackled Tashigi, forcing us both through the door of a nearby building. The second we landed, I scrambled to my feet and rammed my full weight into the door, slamming it shut.

I'd scarcely allowed myself to breathe easy when I looked up and noticed something _just_ as terrifying as the flood outside, if not far more so.

An open window.

" _CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT!"_ I repeated frantically.

It was a testament to Marine fortitude that Tashigi recovered with remarkable swiftness, all but literally _leaping_ to her feet as she dashed to the window and grabbed the shutters.

The floods of white liquid met just as she slammed them shut.


	20. Chapter 19 - Alabasta Pt 5

**Chapter 19**

For a few moments, the dark room Tashigi and I were in was relatively silent, devoid of all noises apart from our heavy breathing… damn, this situation was just a plethora of double entendres. Now, if only they didn't all have the potential to _kill me!_

"Holy _fuck…"_ I breathed wearily, sweat coating my face. "What… What the hell was _that!?"_

"No idea…" Tashigi groaned from where she was leaning against the window. "'Enlist in the Navy,' they said; 'Visit exotic locations!' they said; 'Look at all the shirtless, muscular sailors we have!' they said. I never signed up to be chased by white flash floods in the desert. Do you see any way out of here without instantly drowning in… whatever that stuff is?"

" _It's not_ OUT THERE **anymore."**

"Huh?" I blinked at Soundbite in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

Soundbite shrugged, inasmuch as he could. " **A few seconds** _ago, IT_ **SOUNDED LIKE** _ **water OUT THERE.**_ NOW… _there's nothing."_

"Really?" Tashigi questioned before sighing happily. "Well, that's a relief. For a second there, I was worried about my men. I'm glad they're alright."

The Baby Transponder Snail grimaced miserably. "THEY _aren't."_

Tashigi fell silent as she processed Soundbite's words. "W-What? But you just said—!"

I grimaced as realization swept over me. "He didn't say that they were alright, Officer," I grimly informed her. "He said that there's _nothing_ outside. Nothing."

Tashigi was still for a moment before shaking her head, slowly at first, but picking up speed until it was outright frantic. "No… no, no, no! Th-That's not true! I don't believe that! They have to be alright, they have to!" The Marine made to jerk back from the window... and only made it a few inches before jerking to a halt. "W-What the—!?" Tashigi jerked in place a few times without success. "M-My hands! I-I can't move my hands!" she squawked in panic.

"Huh!?" I yelped incredulously. "Hang on a sec, let me—!" I made to stand up, but was promptly jerked back as well. "The hell—?" I tried to push myself away from the door as hard as I could, but to no avail. "I'm freaking _stuck!"_

"Nononono…" Tashigi started repeating desperately, planting a foot on the wall and redoubling her efforts to escape.

I joined her with just as much desperation, planting my limbs on the door and trying to push myself away. Luckily, it seemed that only my back and upper arms were—! I promptly froze for a second before shutting my eyes with a groan. "If I had enough mobility, I'd slap myself…" I muttered acridly.

" _ **Huh?"**_ Soundbite blinked in confusion.

In lieu of response, I jerked my chin downwards. "Think you can get my zipper?"

Soundbite's eyes promptly widened in realization. "OOOOOH… _OKAY! **BANZAI!**_ " And with that, Soundbite shifted his mass to hop off my shoulder, snagging my jacket's zipper with his teeth as he descended, unzipping it entirely. " **TA-DAH!"** he whooped as he swung free.

It took a little bit of twisting, but I eventually managed to slip my way out of the sleeves of my jacket and step away from the door. Turning around, I was treated to the _very_ disturbing sight of my jacket hanging from the door, stuck fast to the wood.

"And that…" I muttered darkly as I picked up Soundbite and put him back on my shoulder. "That _right there_ is why I wear a redundant layer of clothing…"

" _Bastard—!"_ Tashigi growled out from where she was still tugging viciously at her arms, both of her feet planted on the wall.

I blinked in confusion for a moment before the penny dropped, at which point I scowled darkly at her. "Really? You really think I'm just going to leave now? You're really accusing me of lacking basic human decency, again, just because I'm a pirate? Now, believe me, I get the logic, envisioning pirates as not being human makes it easier to kill them, but guess what? That's just not true: we're as human as you are, for better or _worse._ Hell, between the two of us, _you're_ the one who's showing less decency here, automatically thinking the worst of me after I just SAVED YOUR LIFE. Now, are you willing to work together with me and let me help you, or do you _want_ me to leave you here to _starve?"_

Tashigi snorted viciously as she stared over her shoulder at me before looking down with a grimace. "… fine. _Fine,_ just… just help get me out of here!"

I nodded in understanding as I walked over to her. "On it. Now, what exactly is wrong?"

Tashigi shook her head miserably as she continued to tug her arms. "I… I think that some of whatever that was outside must have splashed through or seeped between the planks or- or something! And then… well, look!" She moved aside slightly, giving me a clear view of her hands. As far as I could tell, they were encased in a solid mass of white… _something_ that was at best a finger's-width thick _._ "I-It's like it's _hardened_ or something. Whatever it is, it's stupidly strong, I can't move anything from the wrist down!"

I frowned as I looked the material over. "What the hell _is_ this stuff…" I muttered. I rapped my fist on the material contemplatively, and my eyes promptly widened in horror as the stuff let out a thick rapping noise like wood. "Ooooh, that can _not_ be a good sign…"

"Son of a _bitch…"_ Tashigi whimpered miserably.

I scratched contemplatively at the casing with my finger, and I came away with several specks of white material. I gave the stuff an experimental rub, and as I did I felt a memory trying to break through the surface, like Reverse Mountain all over again. Acting on a hunch, I unlatched one of my gauntlets and slid it off before giving the material a feel. It was lumpy and uneven, but oddly enough, the closest comparison I could draw was to a—!

"Candle…" I whispered numbly as I shoved my gauntlet back on. " _Shit."_

"What?" Tashigi looked at me in confusion before scowling and shaking her head furiously. "Never mind! Look, if you know what this stuff is, then get rid of it! My men—!"

"Those men are _dead,_ Tashigi!" I said, cutting off the denial.

"No! _No,_ you're wrong!" The Marine shook her head harder as she started straining furiously against her makeshift shackles, the skin starting to tear ever so slightly. "Your snail must have made a mistake, they can't be—!"

I slammed my fist into the wall. "Damn it, Tashigi, _listen to me!"_ I snarled. "This stuff is wax, created via the abilities of the Wax-Wax Fruit. It's a liquid at first, but the _second_ it hardens, it becomes as hard as _steel._ Do you understand what I'm saying?" I pointed at the window. "If any of them had their mouths open when that stuff got them, it would have gone down their throats, maybe even entered their _lungs._ And even if they had them closed, we _still_ wouldn't have enough time to get out of here and save them before they _suffocated!"_

I huffed heavily for a moment as I came down from my tirade before shaking my head solemnly. "I'm sorry, but they're dead, Tashigi. And unless you want to join them, you need to grit your teeth, soldier up and _move. On._ Understand?"

Tashigi huffed heavily as she stared out the blocked window with half-dead eyes for a moment before forcing herself to tear her gaze away and look at me. "How do you know about this stuff? This... This 'Wax-Wax Fruit'?" she asked weakly, obviously trying to distract herself.

I sighed in relief as she allowed herself to relax ever so slightly. "We—the rest of the crew and I—faced the user before, on Little Garden. He's known as Mr. 3." I nodded as Tashigi's gaze turned steely. "Yeah, he's a Baroque Works Officer Agent, a master tactician whose mission was to wipe us and Vivi clean off the face of the seas. Normally, sick bastard though he is, I'd say that this kind of shit wasn't his style…" I grimaced as I connected the dots. "But this isn't _his_ play. At a glance, I'm guessing that your mobilization of the troops must have spooked Crocodile, so he's having Mr. 3 literally whitewash the streets of any and all Marines so as to safeguard his plans…"

I shook my head furiously as I ran my fingers through my hair. "But none of this makes _any_ sense…" I muttered more to myself than anything. "Crocodile should have turned 3 into a living _husk_ for failing his mission, why isn't he in the belly of a—!" The blood drained from my face as realization hit me. "Bananagator, _shit!"_

Tashigi stared at me in confusion. "What the hell are you—?"

I held her gaze for all of a second before hastily turning around and stepping away. "Find the rest of the crew, NOW!" I barked at Soundbite.

"Huh?!" Tashigi twisted around as she tried to keep track of me. "Hey, what—!? GET BACK—!"

"And tune her out, both ways!" I snapped, jabbing my thumb over my shoulder. Tashigi's voice was instantly drowned out by a wall of white noise.

The next moment, an electronic whine heralded Nami's furious voice cutting through the air. " _CROSS!"_ she shrieked viciously. " _You had damn well better tell me how the hell we're getting out of this cage_ right now, _or so help me God—!"_

"Nami," I cut her off coldly. "You are my friend, and on any other day I would let you say whatever the hell you want, but now is _not_ the time! The situation you're in is a _lot_ worse than you think it is."

" _What's wrong?"_ Zoro immediately asked me.

I shook my head miserably as I reran the correct sequence of events in my mind. "Long story short, you guys would normally get out of that cage on account of one of the Bananagators spitting up Mr. 3, who was fed to the things by Crocodile for failing on Little Garden. He'd make a key with his wax and you guys would get out, scot-free."

" _And the reason why we can't just do that is…?"_ Usopp asked uncomfortably.

"Because Mr. 3 is up here trying to kill me and every last Marine he can find," I summarized flatly. "He almost managed to turn me and Tashigi into modern art, and I'm confident he's not done yet."

Silence reigned for a moment.

" _Uh… I know I'm not very smart, but even I know that's not good,"_ Luffy stated dully.

"Truer words have rarely been spoken…" I sighed in grim agreement. I stood in silence for a moment before reaching a decision. "Look, I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of taking down an Officer Agent on my own. Unless you guys want to drown in several metric tons of water, I'm going to need to get Tashigi to help me, and if I'm going to get her to help me, I need to tell Smoker too. I won't tell them everything, but…"

" _H-Hey, wait!"_ Chopper's voice suddenly cut in.

" _ **He just**_ **came into** _range_ A MINUTE AGO _,"_ Soundbite explained.

" _What about me and Sanji?"_ he inquired hastily. " _W-We're still out here too! Why don't we handle Mr. 3?"_

"Because you guys have the infinitely _harder_ task of luring Crocodile out of Rain Dinners so that we can get 3 to everyone else in the first place," I informed them grimly.

" _And if he refuses to cooperate?"_ Zoro growled darkly.

"I'm going after him with a halfway world-class swordswoman who, once she gets over the shock of losing her men, is going to be flat out _ticked,_ to put it politely," I summarized in a faux-casual tone. "At this point, whether he wants to cooperate or not is no longer a factor."

" _Wait!"_ Nami cut in. " _Forget bringing him down here, take him_ out _. I've got a better idea for our predicament. Oh, and Cross? Thanks for the idea. I probably wouldn't have thought of it on my own."_

"Um...?" I blinked in shock as I processed the statement. "I… you sure about that? Because seriously, allow me to re-emphasize: metric tons of _water."_

" _I'm sure, Cross,"_ Nami emphasized firmly, not a hint of doubt in her voice. " _Don't worry about us, just take Mister Three_ down."

" _Oh, Nami-swan~!"_

I rolled my eyes with a sigh and jerked my hand across my throat, prompting Soundbite to cut Sanji off. I was silent for a moment longer before nodding in agreement. "Alright… alright. Tashigi and I will stop Mr. 3. Chopper and Sanji will provide a distraction to get Crocodile and All Sunday out of the way, and you get everyone else out of the cage. Sound good?"

" _Perfect."_

" _I-I guess…"_

" _Have fun, Cross! Oh, and don't die!"_

" _Same here, brat."_

"I'll do my best, guys," I said dryly, then glanced at Soundbite. "Alright, bring in Smoker and Tashigi."

I turned around and walked back to Tashigi, smiling 'innocently' at her. "Sorry about that, private matters. You understand."

"You son of a—!" she started to curse me out.

" _Language, Tashigi,"_ Soundbite drawled in a bored voice.

Tashigi instinctively jerked into as much of a salute as she could manage. Which wasn't much. "C-Captain Smoker, sir!"

" _At ease, Officer,"_ Smoker growled out. " _Report: what's your condition?"_

"I, ah…" Tashigi trailed off uncomfortably, obviously having a hard time finding the words to describe just how thoroughly things had gone to hell.

I decided to spare her the trouble. "The Marines who were with her are dead, Captain," I informed him morosely. "Killed by Mr. 3 of Baroque Works. And chances are that many more are going to die if he has his way. As for Officer Tashigi herself, she's fine. Stuck in a bad position, but fine."

Soundbite's expression darkened as he mimed chewing, no doubt mirroring Smoker's own furious disposition. " _Is that so… then I suppose we'd better move our men out of harm's way. Snail!"_ Soundbite jumped in shock as Smoker apparently addressed him. " _Does your range reach the rest of my men who are still alive?"_

"UMM…" Soundbite concentrated momentarily before nodding. " _Yeah, I CAN REACH_ **a few squads."**

" _Connect me to them. NOW!"_

Soundbite yelped in terror before swiftly complying. " **YOU'RE LIVE!** "

" _This is Captain Smoker to all Marines in Rainbase,"_ he announced firmly. " _As of this moment, there is a Baroque Works agent slaughtering every Marine he comes across with extreme prejudice. On account of how I am currently… incapacitated, I am giving you a direct order: Get the hell out of Rainbase. Round up every patrol that hasn't heard these orders, get back to base camp, and retreat to a quarter mile out of the city. Evacuate all civilians as you go, chances are that this bastard isn't discriminating. Furthermore, until further notice, Chief Petty Officer Nomaru has command. Now get the hell out of here. End transmission."_

Tashigi and I stared at Soundbite in open-mouthed shock, and even the snail himself seemed surprised at what he'd just said.

"Holy _shit,_ Smoker," I breathed numbly.

"Captain…" Tashigi started hesitantly.

" _Officer Tashigi,"_ Smoker promptly interrupted. " _As of this moment, I am deeming this a World-class incident. That means that you are fully authorized to cooperate with that pirate and no consequences will blow back on you. Your mission is to locate Mr. 3 and subdue him. Alive, if at all possible. I want him to enjoy Impel Down's tender mercies for what he's done. Is that clear, Officer?"_

Tashigi stared dumbfoundedly at the snail for only a second more before clenching her jaw and nodding firmly. "Crystal, sir."

" _Good, now get to it. And cut this line, I think someone's com—"_ Soundbite promptly cut himself off before grinning eagerly. "WELL, _**let's get**_ **TO IT!"**

Tashigi nodded numbly in agreement before turning her gaze on her wax cuffs. "Alright… Alright. Let's get me out of here. You-You said that this stuff as hard as steel once it hardened, right?"

"Not even Z— _er…"_ I hastily reconsidered what I was about to say. " _Luffy_ can break this stuff without using another piece of it. For now, at least…" I muttered to myself.

Tashigi bit her lip uncomfortably as she processed this before scrunching up her eyes in resignation. She then leaned as far back as she could manage and twisted so as to proffer her hip to me. "Use Shigure. Swing as hard as you can. Make it as clean as possible."

I blinked at her in numb shock as I processed what she was asking me. I then proceeded to give her a flat glare. "Wow, you are way more like Zoro than I gave you credit for," I deadpanned. "Now, where's your lighter?"

A vein bulged on Tashigi's forehead as she visibly fought to keep from ripping my head off. "What the hell are you—!?"

"Tashigi," I cut her off, my voice studiously neutral. "It's _wax._ It's hard as steel while it's solid, but you know what one of the most prominent characteristics of wax _is?"_

The Marine stared at me questioningly for a moment before her eyes shot wide in realization. "It melts…" she breathed.

" _It melts,"_ I repeated firmly. "And considering how you work for the face of chain smoking in the East Blue, I don't have any doubts that you have a source of ignition on your person. Now, do you want to be here until the sun goes down, or do you want to tell me where it is!?"

Tashigi visibly debated with herself for a moment before affixing me with a chilling glare. "If you touch me, in _any_ way, I swear to the heavens that I will run you through and _gut you_ _like a fish."_

My eye twitched viciously for a moment before I came to a decision: I was _done_ putting up with this absolute _bullshit._

 _THWACK!_

"OW!" Tashigi yelped, her head jerking forwards as I dope slapped it. "WHAT THE HELL!?"

"You wanna be treated equally?" I demanded impatiently. "That's how we handle things when one of our crew is being an _idiot_. Now, will you please do me the favor of telling me where the damn lighter is!?"

Tashigi glared at me impassively for a moment before looking away with what was most likely shame. "The inside right breast pocket."

Ah. Alright, that justified the attitude a bit. Though that certainly didn't mean that I had to _like it._ Nevertheless, I grabbed hold of the hem of her jacket and pulled it away from her body before searching the pocket in question. I was gratified to come back with an average-sized lighter.

"Thank you," I nodded politely. "Now, if you'll excuse me." I turned around and started to walk away.

"H-Hey, HEY!" She twisted in an effort to keep track of me. "Where the hell do you think you're going!?"

I turned around and gave the Officer a flat look. "I'm going to take this lighter and use it to set the nearby orphanage on fire before kicking an old lady into the street. Then, just for kicks, I think I'm going to rob the widows and orphans fund, use it all to buy up all the ice cream in town, and not share _aaaaany_ of it. You know, a typical Tuesday for us pirates."

" _ **MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"**_ Soundbite cackled malefically.

Tashigi huffed and rolled her eyes tiredly. "And _without_ the sarcasm?"

I gave the lighter a pointed shake, the flat look on my face not faltering. "This lighter isn't going to make a big enough flame to put even remotely close to a significant dent in that much wax. I'm going to search the house and see if I can't find some cloth or paper or anything that I can use to get a decently sized blaze going. It's gonna get hot like hell, but I don't see what other options we have. Now, if you'll excuse me—" I turned back around.

"Wait—!"

"You can arrest me for trespassing and robbery _later,"_ I shot over my shoulder without looking back.

"No no no, not that!" Tashigi hastily pleaded. "I-It's just…" she trailed off uncertainly.

I glanced over my shoulder at her.

Tashigi was looking down at the floor, before glancing up and meeting my eyes. "Look… check and see if there's a kitchen anywhere. Cooking oil, sherry—"

"Flammables…" I breathed in realization before grinning eagerly. "That'll work perfectly! I'll see if I can soak a rag in the stuff! Oh!" I came up short as realization hit me. "And I'll see about filling up a bucket with water too, because seriously, to emphasize: _hot_ like _hell_. Good chance you're not coming out of this without _some_ kind of a scar."

"Right…" Tashigi nodded nervously, before blinking and jerking her head up frantically. "Ah, nonono! Not water, not water! A thick cloth or some baking soda, but you do _not_ use water for an oil fire! How do you not know this!?"

I winced self-consciously before shrugging helplessly. "Hey, to be fair, I'm not our ship's cook and I'm a literal college dropout—long story—besides. I don't typically get anywhere _close_ to oil fires if I can help it!"

"Just…" Tashigi hung her head with a groan. "Just hurry up already, will you?"

Shaking my head, I began searching the mercifully abandoned house and was gratified to come upon a nicely stocked kitchen. I started looking through every drawer and cupboard I saw, and fairly quickly found a bottle of sake. When the kitchen failed to turn up much in the way of rags—I guess that they just let the desert heat do that part of the job—I resorted to a dresser I saw. A bit more searching, which resulted in giving me the impression that I never wanted to meet the owner of this house—dear _God,_ where did they find the energy!?—rewarded me with a decently sized towel, just big enough for what we needed.

I moved back over to Tashigi, and she watched with some apprehension as I carefully poured the sake over the towel, then wrapped it over the wax, leaving a big enough dry corner hanging away from it for me to grab in a hurry. With that done, I flicked open the lighter, and glanced back at Tashigi.

"Ready?" I asked nervously.

She allowed herself to laugh weakly. "That's a joke, right?"

"God, how I wish…" I muttered to myself before steeling my nerve. "Alright, one, two—!" I shoved the lighter beneath the rag—

 _FWOOSH!_

And the cloth lit up instantly, giving off a respectable amount of heat that already had Tashigi grimacing in pain and some of the wax starting to drip.

"How long do you think this will take?" she asked uncomfortably.

"Well, my friends managed to break out of a full-body glazing in a matter of seconds, but that fire looked like something straight out of a kiln, _sooo…"_ I shrugged helplessly. "I guess just keep trying to flex your fingers, and once you actually feel the burn, get your hands out of there? Aaaand hope that the smaller flecks don't actually stick to your skin like steel, too."

Tashigi grimaced, and we lapsed into silence as we watched the fire burn and listened to the wax slowly, so _so_ slowly, drip off.

"How much?"

At least, until Tashigi suddenly spoke up.

"Huh?" I blinked in confusion.

"How much is Princess Nefertari paying you to protect her?" she clarified, obviously trying to keep the conversation civil.

I pondered the question briefly before shrugging. "Well, if Nami had her way, we would be a billion beris richer once this bout of madness was over and done with."

" _E-Excuse me!?"_ Tashigi sputtered in shock.

" **JACKPOT,** _baby!"_ Soundbite crowed.

"That is a _ludicrous_ amount of money!" the Marine squeaked.

"Yeah, Nami just _loooves_ her money," I drawled in a deadpan before grinning. "Luckily, I managed to sate her lust for wealth—and dear _God_ am I being literal in that phrase—before we actually met Vivi, so she wasn't actively sniffing out a payday. Though honestly…" I chuckled mirthlessly. "I doubt we'd take it if she offered anyways."

Tashigi cocked her eyebrow in disbelief. "Oh, really? And why's that?"

I shrugged matter-of-factly. "Because she's our friend, duh."

Tashigi's expression didn't change in the slightest. "Excuse me if I don't believe you."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, pirates and all that," I grumbled. "Honestly, it is a little unbelievable when viewed out of context. You had to have been there."

"I'm sure." The swordswoman gave an experimental tug at her wax restraints, sighing when they only gave half an inch. She then fell contemplatively silent before giving me a curious look. "What… did you mean earlier?"

Now it was my turn to cock my eyebrow. "Would you care to be more specific, or shall I guess?" I didn't even flinch at the glare she pinned me with. "Hey, to be fair, you were being sassy for the past few seconds. Aren't you Marines supposed to be all about fairness and stuff like that?"

Tashigi huffed and refocused her attention on trying to free herself. "Roronoa. What did you mean earlier, when you said Roronoa and I were more alike than you gave me credit for? Because I promise you, we are _nothing_ alike."

I blinked in shock as I realized just what she was referring to before promptly snorting in amusement. "More alike than you'd think, seeing how your first reaction to not seeing any other way out of the wax was to try and chop your limbs off."

 _That_ caused Tashigi to freeze before slowly turning her awe-filled eyes on me. "He… he really tried to do that?" she asked numbly. "To… to cut his arms—?"

"Legs," I interjected with a shrug. "Mr. 3 managed to trick him and snag him. He was willing to cut his legs off above the ankles, all so that he could have a fighting chance. And he actually got, and I quote, 'about halfway through 'em' before Luffy managed to bail him out."

" _Seriously?"_ Soundbite whistled in awe.

"He wasn't all _there_ when it went down," I emphasized slightly as I jabbed my thumb at Soundbite, who thankfully got the message. "But yeah, pretty much. You can say anything and everything you want about Zoro, but you can't deny that he's a damn fine swordsman."

Tashigi's expression promptly darkened as she gave her arms an extra-hard yank. "Yeah, I really can't. It's a shame too. If he weren't a criminal, he'd make an incredible Marine."

"HA!" I barked.

" _And again,_ **HA!"** Soundbite concurred.

"What!?" Tashigi demanded.

"Lady, I assure you, Zoro would make a _terrible_ Marine," I swiftly promised her. "He would take absolutely _none_ of any of his superiors' shit, his sense of direction is so bad that he can literally get lost going in a straight line, he sleeps almost eighteen hours out of twenty-four—and God help you if you interrupt the training or sword maintenance he does with religious fervor when he's awake—he'd drain the entire base of alcohol in less than a week, sake first, and… um…"

" **HE'S** _ **gru~mpy~!"**_ Soundbite sang eagerly.

"And he has an attitude, yes," I nodded as I pointed at the snail before shrugging. "And all that besides, working with the Marines would mean that he'd never get the chance to acquire the two things he wants the most in this world. Though, really, they're the same thing in the end."

 _That_ refocused Tashigi's interest on me. "A-and what would that be…?"

I spread my arms helplessly. "Easy: Dracule 'Hawk-Eye' Mihawk's head, and the title that comes with it."

And _that_ lost Tashigi's interest anew in favor of making marginally more progress with the stupidly persistent wax. "The greatest swordsman… I'm not even surprised," she growled more to herself than to me. "Arrogant, vicious, cowardly…"

I pursed my lips and bit my tongue as I listened to her rage against Zoro slowly devolve into wordless grumbling. After a minute or so, however, I came to a decision.

"Hey," I interrupted her, albeit hesitantly. "Your conversations with Zoro, they're not likely to ever develop much farther than 'I will defeat you, Roronoa!', right?"

Tashigi gave me a half-hearted glance out the corner of her eye before going back to ignoring me in favor of the wax.

"And it's almost certainly a guarantee that this conversation we're having is _never_ going to be shared with anyone else outside this room save for whatever bits and pieces Soundbite decides to blurt out, _right_?"

I accompanied that last word with a pointed glare at Soundbite, who for his part simply whistled innocently through his massive smile.

"Get to the point or be quiet, Cross," Tashigi ordered.

"Do you want to know just _why_ Zoro is so focused on becoming the best?" I asked her, causing her to freeze. "Why he will _never_ let you have the Wado Ichimonji so long as he lives, and why you'll have to literally _cut_ it out of his cold, dead fingers?"

Tashigi turned her head to stare at me dead on, a war obviously raging in her mind.

"I'll tell you," I offered slowly. "But _only_ if you promise not to tell Zoro, because there's a good chance that he will open me up for telling you, and if you do, I _will_ tell Smoker that you wanted me to cut your hands off, and you _know_ you'll catch hell for it."

Tashigi remained silent for what might have been a full minute, her expression unreadable. Finally, she nodded her consent.

"Well, in that case," I spread my arms invitingly. "The easy response is thus: remember how he said that you look like a girl he knew that died a long time ago?"

Tashigi actually jumped in shock at that, despite the loosening wax still encasing her hands. "How do you know about—!?"

I smirked slightly as I jabbed a thumb at the snail on my shoulder. "Lady, let me let you in on a little secret: when your partner is the world's best eavesdropper, the list of things you don't know is shorter than the list of things you do."

" _I'm a_ **badass,** BA- _BY!"_ Soundbite crowed.

Tashigi spared a glare at the snail before turning back to me. "What does Roronoa's dead girlfriend—!?"

"No no no!" I interrupted her, jabbing my finger up hastily. " _Not_ girlfriend, they knew each other when they were around twelve or so, so their relationship was _not_ romantic. No…" I stared at the fire burning on the wax contemplatively. "No, if she was anything, Kuina was Zoro's rival… and his clear superior."

Tashigi's eyes widened in awe. "S-Superior?"

"2000 times, they dueled," I intoned gravely. "2000 times, he _lost. Badly._ Hell, she was his first, his very first defeat! Before that, he was cutting down dojos like wheat, but Kuina? Kuina stopped him _cold."_

The Marine was staring at me in awe, obviously trying to connect what she was hearing with the Zoro she knew and despised.

"Now, the point where this all becomes relevant is on the 200 _1st_ duel," I emphasized with a single finger. "After 2000 straight losses, Zoro's pride was… well, not so much bruised as tenderized. So, he proposed a final duel. This one with _real_ swords. He used two ordinary katana," I sighed heavily. "And Kuina used her prized possession, a sword that had been passed down through her family for generations. You know it as the Wado Ichimonji."

Tashigi hissed in a frantic breath against her will.

I was silent for a moment before spreading my arms helplessly. "2001 fights, 2001 losses. But this time was… different. See, Kuina expressed some doubts that she had. She lamented the fact that she was a girl because she knew it would make her physically weaker than boys and she said that one day, maybe even one day soon, Zoro would manage to beat her, _uniquely_ because of her gender."

Tashigi _winced_ miserably before forcing herself to look away, attention returning to the wax. She was even making halfway decent progress, too.

"Zoro called bullshit on that."

And just like that, progress stopped.

"He said," I continued slowly. "That if he ever managed to beat Kuina, then it would be by skill and skill alone. That whether she was a boy or a girl… it didn't matter one _bit._ That night, they made a pact. Him or her, one or the other, it didn't matter. Either way… one of them _would_ become the greatest swordsman in the world. And that, as they say, was that." I couldn't hide a wince at this next bit. "Or at least, it was for Kuina."

"W-What do you mean?" Tashigi asked.

I bowed my head solemnly. "The next day… Zoro found out that Kuina was dead. She died by falling down the stairs. An accident. Apparently, she was…" I sighed heavily. "Looking for a whetstone, of all things."

Tashigi's expression immediately became stricken, her mouth dropping open wordlessly. "…ah."

"So you see, that's why you'll never have much luck fighting Zoro head-on," I explained solemnly. "Because you'll never be fighting him head-on. When you fight him, you're not just fighting one of the best masters of the blade in our generation. Zoro trains and fights with the strength of _two."_

"Ah…"

"And I suppose you now see why Zoro has a hard time facing you at all. You looking like Kuina, it brings up a lot of emotions in him that he has a hard time dealing with. But really, don't think for a second that it's because of your gender. A lot of people might think that's a good excuse, but not Zoro. And certainly not me either, for that matter!"

"Ah!"

I frowned in confusion at Tashigi's unintelligible response. "Er, are you agreeing with me or—"

"AGH, THE FIRE, DAMN IT!" Tashigi shrieked, visibly straining against the wax. Strain that was actually making a difference, for that matter.

"Oh, shit!" I cursed, hastily running behind Tashigi and wrapping my arms under her shoulders. "Alright, pull on three, one two _THREE!"_

Tashigi and I immediately yanked back as one. It felt like I was pulling her through a wall of stupidly thick honey, but eventually—

 _SCHLOCK!_

Our efforts bore fruit as I suddenly tumbled onto my back, with Tashigi rolling off of me as she came free, her arms thankfully free of both the wax in general and any smaller flecks or chunks that could have possibly stayed stuck to her arms. We both remained prone for a moment before hastily scrambling to our feet.

We were both silent for a moment until I decided to try and keep the peace we had going. "So…" I started slowly.

"This conversation never leaves this room," Tashigi interrupted me with a cold glare. "This conversation changes _nothing_. We are not friends, we are not partners, we can barely even be defined as _allies._ We are going to find Mr. 3, we are going to take him down, and then, if there is _any_ real justice in the world, I will _personally_ put you and your crew in cuffs before putting an end to Crocodile's plans. Understood?"

I grimaced and nodded slowly in agreement. "Yeah yeah, understood."

"Good," Tashigi started to nod before scowling viciously. "And _take that off!"_ She lunged at me and snatched the cap I was wearing off my head.

I blinked in surprise at the thing before giving her a bemused look. "I will be one-hundred percent honest with you: in all this madness, I completely forgot that I was wearing that."

Tashigi sniffed darkly as she waved the cap in my face. "This is a symbol of the integrity, moral fortitude, and valor of the Navy. You don't have the _right_ to wear it."

I raised my hands in surrender. "Fair enough, fair enough. Now, can we _please_ get out of here and stop the sadistic sociopath with the Devil Fruit ability?"

Tashigi glared at me for a moment longer before nodding in agreement. "Fine. Now, how would you suggest that we get out of here, seeing how the door is most likely sealed shut?"

" _The wax_ **didn't go** ON THE OTHER SIDE _of the_ **HOUSE** ," Soundbite offered.

"That's as good a way out as any," I shrugged before cocking my eyebrow at Tashigi. "Now, do you want to go first, or do you want me where you can keep track of me?"

The _shink!_ of Shigure being drawn and pointed in my face was answer enough.

"Alrighty, then," I muttered as I walked past her, going through the kitchen and locating the backdoor. I pushed through it, emerging into a mercifully unscathed but no-less-conspicuously abandoned street. Huh, must have been the front door. Makes sense, we _did_ enter through the alley.

"Alright…" Tashigi muttered. "Which way is he, snail?"

"I _**have a** NAME, you know,"_ Soundbite grumbled before yelping fearfully, presumably on account of the cold steel that jabbed past my face.

"Look at just how much I care."

Soundbite ground his teeth nervously before jerking his head to the left. " _THAT WAY,_ **give or take** _ **half a mile."**_

"Alright, move it," she commanded, thankfully withdrawing her blade in the process.

I wordlessly followed her orders, marching down the streets and following the directions Soundbite provided. We continued for a few moments until Tashigi decided to break the silence herself.

"So, this Mr. 3," she started slowly. "What does he look like?"

"Thin guy with glasses and black hair, usually has it tied up in the shape of a three above his head," I blandly summarized.

I could tell that Tashigi paused for a moment in shock. "Wait, seriously? I thought he was supposed to be some kind of discreet agent or assassin or something!"

I grimaced darkly. "At a guess, he's not that worried about witnesses surviving to spread his codename around."

"Mmph… good point. Alright, weaknesses?"

I frowned. "Well, for starters, his hair catches fire when he uses his powers; we used that against him last time—I think anyways, things got kind of nutso, all a bit of a blur. Besides that…he's really arrogant, not prepared to believe that rookies would be able to outsmart him. Oh, and physically? He's a serious wimp. _I_ could probably take him in a fistfight, and believe me, that's an accomplishment."

"But you said that he doesn't typically use his powers for a tidal wave of wax? Strange, because that worked devastatingly well."

I shrugged. "He goes by the philosophy 'without mastery, power is nothing'. Simply put, he's a perfectionist and a twisted 'artiste' besides. And much as I hate to say it, he manages to pull it off surprisingly well; he almost managed to kill our whole crew before Usopp managed to break—"

I cut myself off from reciting details from the story as I recalled another possibility. I glanced at Soundbite.

" _Please_ tell me that Goldenweek isn't here, too."

"Who?" Tashigi asked, bewildered, as Soundbite focused.

"Miss Goldenweek, Mr. 3's partner. She's a hypnotist who focuses her powers through paint. If she's here, then chances are that we'll need to look out for lifelike wax-replicas of people to boot, and _that_ would be less than fun."

"NOT _**today. SHE'S** not _HERE, _THREE'S_ **flying solo** ," Soundbite reported.

I heaved a sigh. "Thank God for small miracles…" I took a moment to glance around the street. "Where is everyone, anyways?"

" _ **Some indoors,**_ _some_ LEFT WITH **the Marines.** _OTHERS…"_ Soundbite fell uncharacteristically silent. " _ **Others didn't**_ **make it."**

I glanced at the snail with mounting dread as we rounded a corner. "What do you mean—?"

And the second I caught sight of what lay ahead of us, my words died in my throat.

The first thought that ran through my head was… white. White on the walls, white on the ground… and white on the people. So many people. A small crowd of them, civilians and Marines alike, all with rough caricatures of fear molded onto their faces. All running as fast as they could away from something. Obviously not fast enough.

I grit my teeth furiously as I walked past them all, disgust and hate and a building rage vying for control. "Son of a bitch…"

Tashigi slowly matched my pace and walked alongside me, observing the Marines with a forcibly blank expression. "You're _certain_ that there's no way possible to get them out?" she asked quietly.

I wrenched my gaze forwards as I shook my head. "Not a one. Heck, even if they were still alive after so long, the entire reason Zoro tried to cut his legs off was that he couldn't cut through this stuff. Well…" I cocked my head to the side slightly. "Not yet, at any rate."

Tashigi looked at me in shock. "What are you talking about?"

I briefly considered how to answer her before spreading my hands helplessly. "Let me put it this way: the only swordsmen in the world capable of cutting anything… are those who have learnt how to cut _nothing."_

"That is a very cryptic and unsatisfying answer," Tashigi deadpanned.

I shot a glare at her out of the corner of my eye. "Then arrest me."

" _Ain't no law_ **AGAINST BEING** _ **cryptic and unsatisfying,**_ OTHERWISE ALL THE OLD MASTERS OF THE WORLD _WOULD BE OUT OF BUSINESS!"_ Soundbite chimed in.

Tashigi rolled her eyes, and her fingers twitched towards Shigure's sheath before she settled for just saying, "I should have expected some kind of making light of the situation from you. As long as it's not you or your crew in the wax, why would you care at all?"

I stopped walking as I heard those words, and I felt something in my mind come _very_ close to snapping.

"Keep moving, pirate."

Aaaaand that was the straw that broke the camel's back in half.

I rounded on the Marine and grabbed her collar, pointedly ignoring the sword she shoved in my face. "First and foremost," I droned frigidly. "The only reason I'm making jokes in this situation is that I'm not numb, and unless I translate the sensations I'm feeling into excitement or otherwise, they're going to become terror and I'm going to curl up in the fetal position, crying and pissing my pants. If I _had_ chosen to do that, we'd both be dead in that alleyway. You're welcome for that, by the way."

"Let go of—!" Tashigi started to snarl before I cut her off by yanking her in close so that I was snarling directly in her face.

" _Second,"_ I barely refrained from literally spitting. "Knock it off with your high-and-mighty morality _bullshit._ Three times now, you've painted me with the same black brush as anyone else who flies a Jolly Roger; what have I, or _any_ of my crew for that matter, done to deserve that? I accept that most pirates are scum of the seas, it's a fact, but if you'd take _two seconds_ to look at the Straw Hat Pirates' track record, you'd realize that _we're not like that._ We have never raped, we have never pillaged, we have done things that are dangerous, destructive and even morally questionable, but _nothing_ unforgivable. My friends and I are not saints and I'll admit that for some of us, _decent_ is a goodly stretch, but _none_ of us are the monsters you make us out to be!"

I shoved her away and took a distancing step back from her before continuing. "But you know what?" I spread my arms invitingly. "Go ahead. Go ahead and say whatever the _hell_ you want about me, about my crew. But before you do, you have to admit to one thing, one simple, _unequivocal_ fact."

"And what's that!?" Tashigi snarled back.

I jabbed my finger at her accusingly. "That the flag you follow is no worse than mine. That at its core, the Navy is just as black as you accuse us to be. Worse, even."

" _THAT'S A LIE!"_ the Marine screamed indignantly.

"YEAH, IT IS!" I roared back. "Because you know what? You're right! The Navy _is_ white! You're just understating it, because you see, they take 'white' past the point where it becomes bad. Past the point where it becomes something _unspeakable."_

"What the _hell_ are you talking about?" Tashigi spat.

"Oh-ho-ho, where to even _start?"_ I laughed humorlessly, wracking my brain for a moment before snapping my fingers as I came to a conclusion. "Oh, I know! Let's start in the North Blue! The once-opulent White City of Flevance!"

"That was an epidemic!" Tashigi shot back. "The lives lost were a tragedy, but—!"

"They were lost in _vain,"_ I retorted. "Get any doctor to actually, legitimately _examine_ a case of Amber Lead poisoning, and you know what they'll tell you? It's _genetic._ Passed down from parent to child over _years._ You could breathe in Amber Lead dust for _decades_ and the only people who would suffer would be your _third generation_ of offspring. But the doctors outside of Flevance got the wrong conclusion and were too scared and too _stupid_ to fact-check, so they deemed it to be a plague. The World Government didn't bother to investigate, didn't bother to ask, didn't bother to even _try._ And you know why?" I spat in the wax. "They. Didn't. _Care."_

"Even if I believed that, which I _don't_ , how the hell would you even know?!" the Marine demanded indignantly.

"This isn't about me," I promptly deflected. "But you know what? Fine! Let's move the aim of our discussion. Somewhere more… familiar. The East Blue, for example! Ever hear of the island of Tequila Wolf?"

Tashigi frowned in thought. "It's… a cordoned off island in the northern part of the East Blue that's been designated as a working place for the impoverished…"

"Hm…" I made a show of scratching my chin in thought. "Working place… that's a funny way to say 'biggest slave camp in the hemisphere.' Oh, yes!" I nodded at Tashigi's shocked look. "Slave camp! That's been running for seven _hundred_ years, all on the orders of the World Nobles. Why, you might ask? To build a _bridge._ Where this bridge leads, why they're building it… hell if I know! Personally, if I had to guess, one of them decided way back when that they wanted an easier way to get to their summer home on another island and their descendants haven't let anyone _stop it._ But hey, then again, I could just be giving those sick fucks too much credit."

Tashigi stammered incoherently for several seconds, and I cut her off before she could formulate her thoughts enough to deny what I said again.

"But hey, you might ask how I know about that, too. So, how about I move to another relevant topic, using nothing but public knowledge. Nico Robin: The Devil's Child, wanted at a whopping ฿79 _million_ , apparently for the crime of destroying six, count 'em, _six_ Marine battleships… at the tender age of eight. Now…" I chuckled sardonically as I raised my hands in a shrug. "I don't know about you, but personally, I only see two ways something like that could possibly go down: either A, the Navy is a _lot_ more incompetent than I give it credit for, or B… That story is a steaming pile of _bull."_

"And I can explain it with two words: Devil. Fruit," Tashigi shot back.

"Mmmyeeeaaaahh…" I slowly nodded in agreement before shifting to a shake. "Buuuut no. See, her powers aren't anywhere near that kind of a capability."

"And how the hell would you know, huh?" Tashigi demanded. "I thought that you were keeping to public knowledge!"

"Well, allow me to mix in some personal experience, because I've _met_ her!" I took a brief moment of solace in Tashigi's thunderstruck expression. "She's Crocodile's second-in-command, goes by the name of 'Miss All Sunday'. She came onto our ship shortly after we met Vivi. Why she didn't kill us, I couldn't tell you, but I _can_ tell you what her powers are." I tilted my head back and indicated my neck. "The Flower-Flower Fruit. Capable of generating her body parts from just about anywhere in her line of sight. I know because she created an arm on my torso and used it to _choke me."_

Tashigi blinked slowly as she considered my words. "But… But that doesn't—!"

"Make any sense?" I finished for her. "Doesn't match up with the Marines' version of events? Because after all, you only get _one_ Devil Fruit your entire life, and _that one_ doesn't sound like it's capable of levelling six battleships to me. You?"

"I… but… it can't…" Tashigi stammered for a few more seconds, but then her expression grew hard again. "…Excuse me if I don't believe you when the linchpin of your argument is your own word. Sure, if this 'Miss All Sunday' _is_ Nico Robin and she _does_ have the Flower-Flower Fruit, I promise you that I'll apologize. Hell, I'll even promise to research those other places you mentioned if you're telling the truth. But you haven't done anything to make me blindly trust you."

"Fine by me!" I spread my arms invitingly. "If my words are wasted on you, then that's no skin off my bones! But know this!" I marched up to her and jabbed my finger in her chest, high enough that she couldn't make anything of it. "If you're going to put yourself behind a flag and support it with every fiber of your being, then you'd better be able to say you know it, inside and out, and _trust_ every last part of it. I know every member of my crew, and I trust them all _with my life."_ I leaned in and narrowed my eyes accusingly. "Care to say the same?"

Tashigi's expression grew uncertain again, and she slowly opened her mouth, perhaps to rebutt me, but no sound came.

Instead, a different sound rang out.

Applause. Slow, mocking, self-aggrandizing applause.

" _Shit!"_ Tashigi, Soundbite and I chorused as we whipped our head arounds to stare at the source of the sound, who was clapping from on top of a wax-coated building.

"Well, this has been a most entertaining and…enlightening exchange of morals," Mr. 3 drawled, folding his hands behind his back. "And I will _certainly_ have to see about exploiting a fair amount of what you've shared with me at a later date, but for now? I do believe that it's time I killed the both of you."

"Hold that thought, Mr. 3," I growled. "I'll save you the trouble and kill one of us right now. _Soundbite?"_

Soundbite glanced around in confusion before paling dramatically. "TH-THERE'S STILL _something_ **where he WAS** _ **making noise!"**_

"Mmmyesss," Mr. 3 blandly stated. "While I'll admit to the majority of our exchange on Little Garden being… _fuzzy,_ at best, your little pet's abilities stayed with me, so I decided to take precautions just in case. Care to know one of the most fundamental abilities an assassin holds in their repertoire?" The wax-man's grin became cruel. "How to hold your breath for a very, _very_ long time. Well…" He tapped a wax vest he was wearing that I hadn't noticed before. "That and a little something I threw together that apparently succeeded in masking my heartbeat. As for the distraction, it's a wonder what one can achieve with knowledge in engineering and an endless supply of resources. But!" Mr. 3 waved his hand lazily. "I'm afraid I'm digressing. Time for you to die."

Tashigi whipped her hand to Shigure's hilt—

 _SHUNK!_

And promptly froze in place, her eyes slowly drifting down to stare at the shaft of white wax piercing her gut. "W-What—?" she stammered unintelligently.

I had just enough time to catch sight of the wax shifting and bubbling around Tashigi's feet—

SH-SH- _SHINK!_

When said wax proceeded to _explode_ with over a dozen more such shafts, all piercing up into the air nigh-instantaneously. For a scant moment, I was afraid that Tashigi had been turned into a _literal_ human pincushion… until I noticed the distinct lack of blood from anywhere except her sole source of impalement. As it was, none of the other spears had _actually_ harmed her, and were instead keeping her trapped by crisscrossing around her and forming a simultaneously impenetrable and inescapable forest of wax poles, like a diabolically engineered bamboo forest whose sole intent was to serve as the Marine's prison. Only one of Tashigi's arms appeared to have any degree of movement available to it, but even that wouldn't be of much use if the way she was letting it hang limply was anything to go by.

"I do believe that that will suffice for the good Officer at the moment," Mr. 3 sniffed imperiously. "Who knows? I might even leave her like that. Might as well… _diversify,_ for lack of a better word. Now then!" He brought his other arm around, revealing the flowing wax he'd been hiding behind his back. With a near-careless gesture, he motioned the limb upwards, causing an ornately decorated staircase to rise from the pool of wax that was seamlessly hidden on the ground. He grinned malevolently. " _Your turn."_

I turned around to run, but was immediately met with a barrier of wax at _least_ ten feet tall rising before me before I could take so much as a step. I mentally cursed a thousand times over as I turned around and caught sight of Mr. 3 casually strolling towards me. I hastily scrambled to slam my headphones over my ears. "Alright, screw making him sick, try and blow his fucking eardrums out!"

"I'm afraid—" Mr. 3 interrupted Soundbite before he could move his mouth, "that you'll find that to be a most… _fruitless_ endeavor." He tapped his ear with a smirk. "Earplugs, and formfitting ones at that. Lip-reading, such an… _invaluable_ skill, wouldn't you say? But still, just in case…" He raised his hand menacingly. "If your pet's jaws show any signs of opening, I promise you that I will fill it, and I _don't_ mean its mouth."

Soundbite hastily shut up, and I clamped my hand over his mouth for good measure. Mr. 3's smirk grew into a sadistic grin.

I furtively wracked my brain for some way, _any_ way for me to keep this bastard off of me until I could come up with _some_ kind of plan. Thankfully, I managed to latch onto a stray thought and force it out my mouth. "How are you still alive?" I demanded desperately. "We kicked your ass on Little Garden, and I _know_ that Crocodile is _beyond_ intolerant when it comes to failure. You should be a dried-up _husk!"_

3 blinked in surprise at the question before chuckling sardonically. "Well, now… to be quite honest, I almost was. I accompanied my fellow Officer Agents here to Rainbase and decided to involve myself with the ongoing meeting. As expected, Mister Zero was _quite_ infuriated with me." He narrowed his eyes menacingly. "Imagine my surprise, however, when he explained that the cause for his ire was a rather _fraudulent_ report that he received in the midst of the madness that _you_ caused us on Little Garden. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, _hmm?"_

If the way his sneer intensified, my face must have betrayed me. "Thought so. That little ploy of yours very nearly got me killed, which, I will admit, I can somewhat respect. I was supremely fortunate to be able to explain the situation, and convince him that it was the truth before he managed to drain more than half of my body's liquids from me. The rest, as they say, is history."

I frowned as I considered that; that was almost exactly the way things had happened before, and Crocodile hadn't forgiven him then. What had changed? Sanji picked up the call, passed himself off as Mr. 3, Crocodile believed him, and then…

It was only the advancing enemy and the fact that my hand was covered in metal that kept me from facepalming. The Unluckies. Those furry-ass _fuckers._ They didn't attack Sanji and interrupt the charade, they didn't plant a seed of doubt with Crocodile about Mr. 3's trustworthiness. And they didn't attack Sanji because—!

…because they were attacking me.

The world swayed slightly beneath me as the implications hit me. All of this madness, this death, all because of me. Because I diverted the Unluckies, they didn't interrupt Sanji. Because they didn't interrupt Sanji, Crocodile gave Mr. 3 a chance to explain himself. ' _For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost… all for the want of a horseshoe nail'._

The click of leather on wax served to break me out of my thoughts, and bring my focus to Mr. 3's cocky sneer.

But that wasn't true, was it? The battle might have been lost because of a nail, but _he_ was the one who started the damn battle in the first place. I didn't cover these people in wax, I only made it _possible._ I wasn't without blame, but I'd be damned if I was stupid enough to think that I had the lion's share!

I scowled angrily. Dammit, I was brooding! The _exact_ thing that the BROB that stuck me here tried to prevent, even! And this smug _jackass_ , the one at fault here, had the fucking audacity to _smile_ after what he'd done?

Fuck. That.

I stepped forwards and threw my entire body behind a punch directed at the center of the smug bastard's face.

Naturally, all that my fist hit was the lump of molten-but-not-hot wax that was 3's own hand. And considering the wax's viscosity, my punch being halted mid-swing was to be expected. 3 cocked an eyebrow at the wax before giving me a flat look. "Did you _honestly_ expect that to succeed?"

"It felt damn good to _try,"_ I spat.

"Hm…" Mr. 3 thoughtfully tilted his head to the side. Then he buried a fist covered in _hardened_ wax in my gut.

" _HOORF!"_ I wheezed painfully, doubling over around the boxing-glove-shaped construct he'd formed. It took all I had to keep my lunch where it belonged, much less my legs under me.

"You're right, that did feel good!" the candleman laughed.

Soundbite whimpered miserably as he watched the events in terror, grinding his teeth fearfully as he balanced on the knife's edge of yelling with all he could and staying as silent as possible.

"Now then…" Mr. 3 held his hand up, wax churning menacingly. "Let's finish this. Rejoice! For I shall now make you into a work of art. From the inside—!"

 _SHINK!_

Mr. 3 froze, blinking in confusion as his wax sloughed off of his hands. "Out?" he breathed, apparently unable to believe whatever what had just happened.

Rather than look a gift horse in the mouth, I reared my arm back and _rammed_ my elbow into his face, dead center. The sound of his cartilage snapping against my armor brought me no end of relief.

3 stumbled back from me, clutching at his shattered nose. He made it three steps—

 _THUNK!_

When Tashigi brought Shigure's hilt down on his skull, laying him out for good and revealing the bleeding slash on his back that had cut clean through his wax vest.

"That was for my men, you bastard…" she hissed, clutching the bleeding wound in her gut.

"Oooh, I _think_ you might have cut his spine," I winced.

Tashigi snorted and shook her head firmly. "No, I didn't. Smoker said he wanted him alive. I follow orders…" She gestured at the bisected shafts of wax behind her. "And I only cut what I _want_ to cut."

I stared at the display in awe as I processed just what the implications _were._ "You… you figured it out…" I breathed.

Tashigi huffed heavily as she flipped Shigure in her grip and slid it into its sheath. "It was… easy." She winced and doubled over as her body was wracked by shudders. "Once the life was draining from my body, anyways…"

"Hey hey hey, whoa!" I yelped, running to her side and propping her up. "Don't you dare give up on me now, Officer, don't go dark! I still need you with me, we _still_ need to find our captains!" I tried to brainstorm anything else I could possibly say… and I grinned eagerly as a thought struck me. "Hey, come on, Tashigi, don't frown or anything! This is a good time, a happy time! You should be _smiling!"_

"Why?" Tashigi wheezed, leaning on me heavily. "Because we took that bastard down? That's… just my job…"

"Ah, come on now!" I grinned winningly. "If you love what you do, then you won't work a day in your life! But, ah, nah. I rather meant the fact that Zoro doesn't know how to do what you just did. Know what that means?"

Tashigi blinked blearily as she tried to force her synapses to fire. "Ah…?"

"It means…" I started to stride forward, dragging her with me. "That right now, and for approximately the next twenty-four hours, out of the two of you, _you,_ Master Chief Petty Officer Tashigi, are a superior master of the blade in comparison to Roronoa Zoro. Now, ain't that just something to live for?"

The Marine woman stared at me in shock. "I—t-that—b-but—!? I-isn't Zo-Roronoa your crewmate?"

"Eh, fuck him, Zoro's a dick," I shrugged indifferently.

" _HE DON'T_ **RESPECT** _ **our AU-THORI-TAY!"**_ Soundbite over-pronounced in a familiar drawl.

"Technically speaking, Zoro outranks the both of us, so he doesn't _have_ to respect our 'au-thori-tay,'" I shot back. "But… still, you get the point, right?"

Tashigi was contemplatively silent for a moment before slowly nodding in agreement, energy flowing back into her form. "Yeah… yeah, you're right…" She chuckled grimly, in spite of the obvious pain that lanced through her features. "Fuck him."

Soundbite and I laughed eagerly. "That's the spirit!" I crowed. "Now then!" I slid out from under Tashigi and allowed her to support herself, clapping her on the back as I did so. "On your feet, Marine! This battle is only _just_ getting started."

She swayed for a few seconds before managing to establish her balance. She took a tentative step forward, then another, and pretty soon she was ambling along at a good pace, if a bit wobbly. I kept my pace even with hers as we approached Rain Dinners, a silence between us that I would dare to call comfortable.

Well, aside from the fact that Tashigi was still bleeding onto the ground. Hopefully Smoker's unit had some medics on hand. I blinked as I ran that sentence through my head again, and glanced at Tashigi.

"Do you want to order some of your unit's medics to meet us at Rain Dinners?" I asked.

"WOULDN'T _do her any_ **good even if she WANTED TO,"** Soundbite frowned. " _THEY'VE MOVED_ **slightly** _too far_ **for me to** _ **REACH THEM.**_ SORRY."

Tashigi looked at the two of us, her expression unreadable. "…Thanks for the offer," she muttered before shaking her head firmly and plastering a confident expression on her face. "But it doesn't matter either way. I'm a Marine, we're made of sterner stuff than you pirates."

Soundbite and I shot her flat looks.

Tashigi adopted a look that was a _tad_ too innocent. "What? It's just a fact. After all, I take a spear to my gut and I barely even cry out, you get punched once and you look like you're about to toss your lunch."

I would have been indignant if it was one of my crew saying that. But considering whose mouth it was coming out of, I decided to settle for waffling between 'impressed' and 'righteous fury'. "Oh-hoh, bite me, Marine bitch!" I grinned with as many teeth as I could muster. "You think that that cute little _flesh-wound_ is impressive? Puh- _lease,_ Zoro's _eaten_ stab wounds to most of his body for dinner, and that was before he settled on having his chest sliced open for breakfast! He'd be able to take that without so much as _flinching._ "

Tashigi accelerated her pace as she grit her jaw. "How typical of a criminal: defending their pride against any and all perceived threats! Are you sure you aren't overcompensating for something?"

"You started it, Marine bitch!" I shot back as I matched her step for step.

"Pirate bastard!"

"Jackboot-grade thug!"

"Lowlife scum-of-the-seas!"

We continued the volley of insults until we were within sight of Rain Dinners, both of us out of breath by that time. We paused our back-and-forth for a few seconds, glaring daggers at each other. I tried to keep it up… but in the end, I couldn't stop the grin spreading over my face, and if the way Tashigi was digging her fingers in her open wound was anything to go by, she was only _just_ managing to keep her scowl in place.

"My, my, Officer, what a mouth on you!" I teased viciously. "What _would_ Smoker say if he were to learn of it?"

"Not a word, Jeremiah, unless you want to see what color your innards are," Tashigi retorted.

 _That_ drew an honest wince from me. "Alright, alright, fair enough. Just, don't make a habit of calling me by my first name, alright? I much prefer to go by my family name."

 _That_ got Tashigi blinking at me in shock. "Wait, Jeremiah isn't your family name?"

I opened my mouth to respond with a dry 'obviously', but took a moment to reconsider. "…ah, I see your confusion. Yeah, naming conventions of my home are flipped. It was either Cross or some variation of 'Jeremiah', and none of them really appeal to me in any way, shape or form."

Tashigi made to respond…

 _SPLOOSH!_

When we were both interrupted by a sound coming from Rain Dinners. We snapped our heads around… and were confronted with the sight of a massive cluster of air bubbles rising to the surface of the pool surrounding the casino. My heart skipped a beat.

"Please tell me that that wasn't their air," Tashigi whimpered.

"You really think we're that _lucky!?"_ I snarled as I dashed towards the water, discarding my gauntlets and hopping forwards as I fought to do the same with my greaves.

Tashigi was running right alongside me, struggling her way out of her jacket and working Shigure's sheath out of her belt.

She and I were just about to toss aside Shigure and Soundbite, respectively, and jump in… just as my crewmates and her boss burst from the water, desperately gasping for air. I blinked, gaping slightly as I processed the sight, and then looked to Nami as she clambered onto the shore. "Looks like you managed to get out of there pretty well."

The navigator hacked up half a lungful of water before grinning cattily up at me, raising a hand and spinning around two thin rods of metal in her fingers. "Crocodile might be a criminal mastermind, but he is a cheap _bastard_ when it comes to locks. A South Blue double-tumbler deadlock _without_ any of the typical security features or precautions one might expect? _Please._ I almost felt insulted."

I stared at the lockpicks in awe before firmly planting my hands on her shoulders. "You beautiful, _brilliant_ bitch. If I wasn't certain you and Sanji would kill me and you weren't one of my closest friends, I almost think I could bring myself kiss you."

Nami laughed as she chopped her hand down on my head with only enough force to give me a minor goose-egg, or half her strength for the uninitiated. "Good thing you can restrain yourself, you couldn't afford it in a lifetime!"

"Heh."

I snapped an incredulous glare at Smoker, or rather at the slight smirk Smoker was directing at me. "Oh, so _that's_ what makes you laugh!?" I paused as I thought things over. "That makes _waaay_ too much sense…"

"I've never seen him smile before," Tashigi said under her breath. Smoker's eyes fell on her, and the smirk was gone the next moment as his eyes fell on her bleeding gut.

"Don't worry, Tashigi already gutted Mr. 3 like a fish and left him intact enough for him to become Warden Magellan's problem," I reassured him hastily before glancing at Tashigi. "And considering the way she's been carrying on, I'm fairly certain it looks worse than it is."

Smoker was silent for a moment as he stared at Tashigi before taking out a pair of cigars from a no-doubt waterproof tin in his coat and starting to click a lighter before them. "Is that so?"

Tashigi nodded stiffly. "I… I think I might be holding in one or two folds of intestine, but apart from that, yes."

Smoker finally managed to achieve a flame, and he took in a breath of nicotine. "Good. In that case…" He blew out a hefty cloud of smoke. "On to business."

Zoro's sword clashed with the Marine's jutte the instant he drew it. I sighed in exasperation and made to tell them to stop acting like idiots, when I was instead confronted with a _stupidly_ familiar blade coming to rest over my shoulder. "Seriously!?" I hissed indignantly.

"This is the first time I've said this to a pirate, Cross," Tashigi huffed painfully, "but I am sorry for this. I'm a Marine, you're a pirate. You're all under—"

" _ENOUGH!"_

"HOGEEZE!" I hissed fearfully as Shigure twitched towards my face on account of Tashigi flinching.

The source of the flinching was _very_ obvious indeed: Vivi roaring furiously with more impotent rage and authority than I thought she had in her.

"Listen to me _very_ carefully," she snarled in a tone of icy calm. "You _will_ release Mister Jeremiah, and you _will_ leave my friends alone, or I swear that I will do _everything_ in my power to make you regret your actions _for the rest of your miserable life, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"_

Tashigi shivered as she obviously tried to discern what to do, but she thankfully withdrew her blade. "Ma'am, please—!"

"No, you will _listen to me, Marine!"_ Vivi spat as she marched upon the wounded Marine and started jabbing her in the collar. "You have been hounding me and my friends from the very moment we set foot in this country, _my_ country, and I am _sick of it!_ I am giving you a direct _order_ : stay away from the Straw Hat Pirates, or pay the consequences!"

"And who do you think you are, ordering my Officer around?" Smoker huffed, more lazily than anything else.

That was the wrong question to ask.

Vivi spun around and glared at the Marine, looming over him like an oncoming storm. "Who am I?" she hissed imperiously. "I am Princess Nefertari Vivi, daughter of Queen Nefertari Titi, now passed, and King Nefertari Cobra, heir to the Alabastan throne, twenty-third in the ancient and honorable line of Nefertari, and friend to Monkey D. Luffy and his crewmates, who are the _sole_ reason that I have survived this long. Cross warned me about you, Smoker. He said that nothing short of the word of God would be able to convince you to give up your pursuit of justice once you got started. Well, guess what? I might not take pride in it, I might even be deeply ashamed of it at times, but for better or worse, the fact is that I _am_ descended from one of the twenty gods who created this world, and I _do_ have the power to match that claim. So! You _will_ let us go, you _will_ gather your troops and lead them to Alubarna so as to stop this revolution, YOU _WILL_ RESPECT MY AUTHORITY AND YOU _WILL SHOW ME THE RESPECT I AM DUE_ , _IS THAT CLEAR,_ CAPTAIN _SMOKER?"_ she screamed, quivering with righteous fury.

Everyone, be they pirate or Marine, stared at her highness in awe.

"Holy _shit_ , Vivi," I summarized flatly.

Tashigi was downright quaking in her boots by this point, the woman who had fearlessly cut down an assassin not an hour ago looking ripe to piss her pants. Smoker's external reaction was one of stoic calm, but I could see the sweat dripping from his temple, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't from the heat. After a few seconds, he slowly sheathed his jutte and turned his attention back to his subordinate.

"I suppose that it's for the better that we forego persecuting them for now; we have bigger things to worry about. This situation is worse than I could have imagined."

"No, it isn't."

Smoker shot a _look_ at me. "Explain."

I shrugged matter-of-factly. "Simple: Nico Robin has never desired to revive the Ancient Weapons, and nothing Crocodile can say or do will break her. He lost the second she became his ace in the hole."

Smoker, along with most everyone else who heard me, gave me a quizzical look. Tashigi, for her part, took one look at the confusion on Smoker's face and paled.

"Who's Nico Robin?" Nami asked.

"You know her better as Miss All Sunday, the cocky bitch who met us after Whiskey Peak and who brought Vivi to Rain Dinners. Sorry about not warning you, by the way," I directed at the princess. "But it was better that you get in there somehow. And don't worry about Pell, for that matter. Zoans are tough sons of bitches, something as trivial as vertebral trauma won't cause him any lasting damage." That got a sigh of relief from her.

"What do you mean about Crocodile already having lost, Cross?" Smoker demanded.

I held up my finger. "Easy: Crocodile's ultimate goal, the whole reason he created Baroque Works and caused this rebellion, is to get his hands on Pluton. However, as Pluton is an Ancient Weapon, the only record telling where it is and how to activate it is recorded on a Poneglyph. Nico Robin is wanted by the World Government and was recruited by Crocodile because she is one of the only people, if not _the_ only person on the face of the planet capable of reading Poneglyphs. However, where Crocodile fucked up is that he doesn't know how Nico Robin _uses_ the Poneglyphs: she doesn't care about activating the Ancient Weapons, and she would sooner die than cooperate with him. As I said: he's already lost. The only question now is how much fallout he'll leave in his wake. _That's_ what we need to stop. Simple, no?"

"At the risk of repeating myself, Cross… _how the HELL do you know all of this?_ " Tashigi demanded incredulously. "And before you say it, I _seriously_ doubt that your snail could get you _that_ kind of knowledge!"

"I'd like to know that as well, Cross," Smoker huffed as he glared at me.

I smirked mysteriously. "Sorry, but that's for me to know, and you to agonize over. Buuut…" I grinned cheekily. "You two _are_ damn decent Marines. If you were to, saaay, leave the Navy and—?"

"Not gonna happen," Smoker snorted.

"No way!"/ "Not a chance in hell!" Zoro and Tashigi chorused before proceeding to glare daggers at each other.

I spared a snicker at their reactions before shrugging helplessly. "Then I suppose that you'll have to settle for living in obscurity."

" _So~_ RRY!" Soundbite sang eagerly.

"But!" I clapped my hands firmly. "I am afraid that we are digressing! There is still a revolution to be halted and a megalomaniacal _asshole_ to be tossed into the deepest pits of Impel Down. So unless there's anything else," I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder, "what say we bounce?"

"Yeah!" Luffy whooped, throwing his fists up eagerly. "Let's go kick Crocodile's ass!"

Zoro kept his glare with up Tashigi for a moment longer before huffing and turning his gaze away. "Aye-aye, Captain."

"Chopper's waiting for us this way with a way to get to Alubarna, come on!" Sanji shouted, indicating us down one of Rainbase's wider roads.

"Hold it!" Smoker barked.

I hastily dug my feet into the ground, casting an aggravated glare over my shoulder at the Marine. "What part of 'revolution to be halted' did you not get!?" I demanded.

Smoker didn't respond as he looked me over, contemplating me before huffing out a cloud of smoke. "Back in Loguetown, you called me a 'decent' Marine, then said that that was a good thing because there are too many 'good' Marines in the world. What's the difference?"

I contemplated the question for a moment before deciding how to answer. "At its simplest… good Marines follow their rules to the letter and will sacrifice all for the sake of justice. Decent Marines, Marines like you… They sacrifice everything for the sake of all. _Even_ justice, if it comes down to it."

The rest of the crew and Tashigi both looked between Smoker and I with expectant expressions as I said that. Smoker's eyes had widened the slightest amount in response to my answer, but beyond that his expression was unreadable. I waited…

"I see," he said at last. "And you honestly believe that the Navy has more good men than decent men?"

I gave him a sickly smile. "Honestly? As of this moment, I can name four decent Marines off the top of my head. Two are here, the other two are long dead. Mark my words, Smoker: you may not believe me now, but if everything goes the way Vivi wants and this country is saved, you're going to see the eight of us as more righteous than your bosses before we leave this country."

Smoker was silent for a moment longer before grunting noncommittally.

I took that as a good sign. "Now, unless anyone _else_ has something they want to say?"

"Um…" Tashigi stepped forward hesitantly.

"GAH!" I winced as Vivi grabbed my ear and _yanked._ "Owowow, I _swear_ I was kidding!"

" _Don't TEMPT_ **fate!"** Soundbite chortled.

"I-I'll be fast, I swear!" Tashigi stated hastily before digging around in her jacket. "I-I wanted to give you…" she withdrew the cap she'd taken off of me and held it out, "this."

I blinked at the cap in surprise as I slowly took it from her. "Huh? But, I thought you said—!"

"In light of recent… developments…" Tashigi winced as she tightened the grip on her wound. "I… take back some of what I said earlier. I-In spite of the method through which you acquired it—!"

" _ **FATALITY!"**_ Soundbite sang.

"Inappropriate," I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.

The snail had the good graces to wince as he thought things over. " _Point…"_

" _In spite of your methods,"_ Tashigi pointedly repeated. "I-I think that Petty Officer Cannali wouldn't object to you keeping it."

I looked the hat over in awe as I processed the implications before slowly slipping it over my head. "I… thank you, Officer. A lot. I'll probably have to dye it to keep other pirates from attacking me on sight, but, ah… yeah, thanks."

"Cross!" Sanji barked from down the street. "We need to _go!_ What happened to that urgency you had?"

"Ah, right!" I exclaimed, starting to run down the street. "Back to business! Thanks for the gift, Tashigi, or 'Marine pig-dog' as is more appropriate of our roles, but now I must go! It wouldn't do for a decent Marine like you to die in the madness!"

I got a few feet before I heard Tashigi call after me. "I never thought I'd say this Cross, but same to you! I'd rather handle good pirates like you myself!"

"HA!" I barked jovially. "That's where you're wrong, Tashigi! We're _not_ good pirates! None of us are! Matter of fact, we're some of the _worst_ pirates you'll ever see!"

Soundbite chose not to enhance the Officer's voice, so I didn't catch Tashigi's response to that, if she gave one, and I refocused on running as fast as I could to catch up with the rest of the crew. The fact that I actually succeeded was a testament to just how effective Zoro's training had been for me. Even if achieving the end still didn't make me like the means. We ran until we reached the edge of the city, and a large cloud of dust became visible, growing nearer every second.

" **Giant Enemy Crab!"** Soundbite exclaimed.

It wasn't long before the cloud's source revealed itself to be a… yeaaah, it was like Laboon all over again; while Scissors wasn't _that_ titanic, I don't think I really braced myself to be ready for meeting a crab the size of a house. A _big_ house. A big two-family house with a porch and a white-picket-fence yard.

"Hey, guys!" Chopper waved eagerly from atop Scissors' head.

"Hola, hombres! So you're Chopper and Eyelashes' amigos, eh? Nice to meet you all! Especially, the señoritas!"

I stared at the crab with a twitching eyelid for a moment before pinning Soundbite with a flat look. "You have absolutely _no_ sense of decency, do you?"

" _I ate its liver_ **with a side of fava beans!"** Soundbite cackled.

"Should have seen _that_ coming…" I muttered under my breath before gesturing at Scissors. "Well, come on! Everyone on board the crustacean express, running nonstop to Alubarna!"

" _CHOO CHOO!"_ the Baby Transponder Snail whooped.

We hastily clambered onto the crab's back, and Chopper snapped the makeshift reins he'd fashioned for Scissors. Just as the mega-fauna started the trek, however—

" _INCOMING!"_ Soundbite hollered fearfully.

" _NOT TODAY!"_ I shouted back, grabbing Vivi's shoulder and yanking her below the massive hook that came within _inches_ of yanking her off of Scissors' back.

Vivi stared over her shoulder fearfully. "Thanks, Cross."

"Not even half a problem," I reassured her. I then proceeded to turn around and shout at the retreating skyline of Rainbase. "LOOKS LIKE YOU LOSE THIS TIME, SAND CRO— _GACK!"_

I was cut off by a large hand wrapping around my throat, and a very familiar and very furious visage materializing before me.

"I'll settle for the consolation prize," Crocodile snarled viciously as he constricted my windpipe.

" _Grrgkh—!"_

"LET GO OF MY COMMIE, YOU BASTARD!" Luffy howled, launching himself through Crocodile and forcing him to dissolve into sand and release me. Before any of us could react, Luffy tumbled onto the desert's sands, with Crocodile reforming less than a dozen feet before him.

I hacked and wheezed as I massaged my crushed throat. Holy _shit_ had that been close. I'd probably been within moments of becoming a _mummy!_ And I had no intention of sticking around to become one, either. "Mo— _gagh!—MOVE! NOW, GO!"_

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE, AMIGO!" Scissors concurred, tearing through the sands as fast as his legs could carry him.

"LUFFY!" Vivi desperately screamed back after our captain.

"GO ON WITHOUT ME, GUYS!" Luffy shouted back at us. "I CAN TAKE HIM!"

"KICK HIS ASS, LUFFY!" I called back after him. I watched one of my best friends and one of our worst enemies disappear into the distance for a second… until Zoro spun me around and held me up by my collar, glaring at me viciously.

I met his glare head-on with one of my own. "If you're going to say anything, go ahead and say it, but before you do, know this: I did _nothing_ wrong and you _know it."_

Zoro ground his teeth furiously a moment longer before releasing me, allowing me to rub my throbbing body parts. "Is Luffy going to beat him?" he asked, still glaring at me.

I froze in my ministrations as I contemplated the question before slowly shaking my head. "Luffy… won't win…"

Zoro cursed furiously, Sanji bit through his cigarette, Usopp's jaw dropped in horror, Chopper looked to be on the verge of tears, Nami froze, Soundbite whimpered, and Vivi looked to be a moment away from breaking my nose again. All of them stared at me with varying levels of anger and horror.

"BUT!" I barked swiftly. "He will _not_ die today either! Believe me, I hate this just as much as you guys do, but Luffy _needs_ this fight to beat Crocodile! And even _if_ I told Luffy how to beat Crocodile, he'd _still_ need to fight him here to keep him from getting on our asses! Got it?"

Zoro stared at me silently for a moment before bowing his head. "You're certain?"

I nodded. "The rest of Baroque Works will say he died, and they'll have good reason to think it. But at the end of the day, Luffy's strong as hell and stubborn to boot. In a straight-up fight between him and the Reaper, who would _you_ bet on?"

Zoro was silent for a moment longer before nodding slowly in agreement.

"That's what I thought. Now, then!" I clapped my hands decisively. "We're charging headlong into the middle of a revolution and are about to go up against…" I made a quick mental count. "Five to eight of the most dangerous assassins on this side of the Red Line, depending on how you count them. As it is, my lips are feeling a little loose. Show of hands: who wants some spoilers?"

The rest of the crew exchanged looks. Usopp, Chopper, Eyelashes and Vivi were the first ones to raise their hands (or hooves). Nami followed shortly afterwards, and perhaps just to show solidarity with the ladies, Sanji's hand raised a moment later. Zoro looked at his comrades before exhaling, and raising his own hand.

I allowed a bloodthirsty grin to split my lips.

"That's what I thought."


	21. Chapter 20 - Alabasta Pt 6

**Chapter 20**

 **Hornet AN: Oh, Cross...**

Even after I laid out the remaining Officer Agents' abilities, as well as a few suggestions for how their fights could go a bit smoother (here's hoping that Nami's self-esteem would benefit from a much-improved fight with Doublefinger), the mood on Scissors' back was still seriously tense.

Everyone was dealing with their nervousness in their own ways. Sanji was all but literally burning his way through a pack of cigarettes; Zoro was hefting a rather bored Eyelashes as a makeshift dumbbell; Usopp was making up taller tale after taller tale with less and less plausibility, which Chopper was only halfheartedly listening to; Nami was absentmindedly twirling the three parts of her Clima-Tact through her fingers in an astonishing display of dexterity; Vivi was brooding, disturbingly enough; and Soundbite…

I'll be honest, what Soundbite was doing was the strangest out of everyone here: he'd had me take him off my shoulder and put him down on Scissors' back, where he was frowning and grinding his teeth as he… hummed. He didn't sing, didn't cackle, didn't make any other noise just hummed. Well, technically he didn't _just_ hum. He demonstrated a wider variety of humming than I'd thought physically existed. Low pitch, high pitch, wavering pitch, hell, even a bass pitch low enough that it shook the air around Soundbite and _me,_ even though I was less than half a foot away from him! When I asked the snail what he was doing, he'd just dismissed me, saying that he was trying to 'work something out.'

I watched everyone wallow in doom and gloom for a moment longer before deciding to draw their attention by clearing my throat. "Alright, guys—!"

"HEY, AMIGOS!" Scissors suddenly barked up over the wind of his speed. "SANDORA COMING UP IN A FEW MINUTES! TERMINUS, EVERYONE OFF!"

I snapped my mouth shut with a huff. Alright, save the pontificating for later. Right now, concentrate on cutting down our swim-time to an absolute minimum.

"HUH!?" Usopp barked incredulously. "What do you mean, get off!? You're a crab!"

"That's normal crabs, amigo! I'm a mover crab, biiig difference!" Scissors shot back. "Give me waves of sand over waves of water any day!"

"And besides," I sighed, giving Usopp a flat look. "Crabs move by scuttling along through the sand beneath the water. So, unless you've recently acquired gills…"

" **GLUG GLUG GLUG!"** Soundbite chortled, prompting me to scoop him back onto my shoulder.

"But this is still a problem!" Vivi fretted. "Even _if_ we managed to cross the river in time, which I doubt since it's about as wide as a small sea and we have one and a half Devil Fruit users on board—"

" _ **HEY!"**_

"—we'd still need to make our way through the desert to reach Alubarna, and that would take the rest of the day, at _minimum_ , and at worst it would take—!"

"Vivi, you're babbling," Zoro grunted.

"OF COURSE I'M BABBLING, THE FATE OF MY PEOPLE AND MY KINGDOM ARE AT STAKE!" Vivi screeched, her blood pressure reaching an all-time high if the way the veins on her forehead were throbbing was anything to go by.

I allowed myself to grin cheekily in the face of her fury. "Funny you should word it like that…"

Everyone stared at me in confusion for a moment until the penny dropped for both Zoro and Nami. Zoro threw his head back and laughed uproariously, drawing incredulous looks from everyone else, while Nami's face swiftly matched Vivi's own infuriated hue.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me…" the navigator hissed viciously. " _That's_ what you were talking about!? Seriously!?"

I shrugged with a snicker. "What can I say, Nami? Desperate times call for desperate measures! I paid my dues, now it's your turn to pony up!"

"WOO! _Shake it,_ **mama!"** Soundbite cackled eagerly.

Vivi's gaze was rapidly shifting between us, her hysterical rage bleeding away into confusion. "Uh…wait, what? What's going on, what are you talking about?"

"Weeeell," I drawled slowly. "See, here's the thing: Scissors _can_ make some damn good headway into the Sandora River..."

"He can!?" most of the crew asked in surprise.

"Come again, hombre!?" Scissors concurred.

"Oh yeah, it's totally possible!" I nodded. "He just needs the right…" I grinned eagerly. " _Motivation."_

Vivi was still stumped, so Nami growled and jabbed her thumb at Sanji as an answer. "Remember our little… 'wardrobe malfunctions'?"

The princess took one look at the cook before turning an interesting combination of colors. "I—n-n-no, you can't possibly mean—!"

Soundbite started whistling out a very… _specific_ type of groove that would have been popular in the 70s, in-between the gales of raucous laughter.

Vivi settled for a clean flush that was either pure rage or pure embarrassment. "You _can't_ be serious."

"Come on, Princess!" I cooed through my smirk. "You've already done so much for your nation, what's a bit of skin—and maybe a slight shake of the hips—at the clutch?"

Nami ground her teeth as she stood up, jabbing her finger at me. "We will have _words_ about this Cross, count on it!"

My smirk promptly lost a lot of its vigor in face of Nami's and Vivi's unholy (read: feminine) wrath. "C-come on, now, you can't be that pissed! You were barely even ticked at Sanji and Scissors in the story, why do I get the third degree!?"

"Those two," she jabbed her thumb and finger at the cook and crab in question, "are innocent enough perverts. It's in their nature, and more often than not? Not enough harm for a foul. _You,_ on the other hand, are _not_ a pervert. You're just doing this for laughs!"

I swallowed nervously as I swapped my gaze between the two women looming over me, hastily plastering a shaky smile on my face. "Ah… in my defense… you think all men are perverts?"

"All men _are_ perverts, they just show it to different degrees," Nami stated flatly.

I could _feel_ the sweatdrop hanging off the back of my head. "Fair enough. In that case… I plead the fifth?"

"Even if I knew what that was, I'd _still_ veto it," Vivi growled.

I settled for just whimpering miserably.

Vivi and Nami kept up their glares for a moment longer before sighing simultaneously in defeat.

"Still, as demeaning as it might be, I can't deny that it's a workable plan…" Nami groaned to herself.

"So, should we just take them off now, or…?" Vivi trailed off uncomfortably as she hesitantly fingered her robes.

"Ah, no no no!" I hastily rallied. "Hold off on that until we're barely at the water, we want to get as much of a boost as we can get."

"The heck are you going on about, amigo?" Scissors spoke up.

"Just wait until we're at the water, then look back here. Trust me, you'll like this!" I called back.

Sanji, Usopp, and Eyelashes had by now put the pieces together, and were staring expectantly at the girls, not bothering to hide their attentiveness. Chopper was still clueless, and Zoro was still snickering, though he wisely averted his eyes from them. I elected to do the same, not wanting the two of them angrier at me than they were already, and looked in the distance as the river approached. I struggled between holding my tongue until the time was right and speaking up before it was too late. Fortunately, Soundbite spoke just as we were a few feet from the shoreline.

"NOW! _Ladies, please,_ " he said, grinning.

There was a momentary sigh of exasperation and the sound of rustling cloth. Then…

"Oh, Scissors~" the girls crooned in tones of voices I had _never_ heard before…or at least, not from Vivi.

"Huh? What is it, chicas?" Scissors asked as he rotated his eyestalks to look at us. He blinked in surprise for a moment as he took in the sight. Then...

" _ARRIBA!"_ Scissors whooped euphorically, putting on a ludicrous burst of speed and _ripping_ across the surface of the Sandora River.

" _YEEHAW!"_ Soundbite whooped ecstatically between gritted teeth as he clung for dear life to my shoulder. " **THAT'S WHAT** _ **I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!"**_

I couldn't fault Soundbite for his precarious position, seeing how I myself was hanging on to Scissors'…fur? With just as much tenacity. "PFFHAHAHAHA! NOW WE'RE REALLY MOVING!" I laughed eagerly.

"GO, SCISSORS!" Chopper and Soundbite cried eagerly.

"I CAN'T _BELIEVE_ THAT THIS IS ACTUALLY WORKING!" Vivi shouted over the wind.

"NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE FEMALE FORM, VIVI!" Nami shouted back. "IT'S LIFE'S GREAT SKELETON KEY! NOW, IF ONLY I COULD MAKE THIS CRAB PAY ME, THEN I'D _REALLY_ BE HAPPY!"

Of course, all good things must come to an end, and this one slowly started grinding to a halt as Scissors started sinking into the Sandora.

"We're losing speed!" Sanji cursed.

"S-sorry, hombres!" Scissors wheezed desperately, obviously fighting to catch his breath. "I might love the chicas, but even I've got my limits!"

My eye twitched slightly as I came up with an idea. It was legitimately suicidal, but god damn it, I was already in the hole and I wasn't going for a swim without a fight. "We still have one option…" I bit out furiously before springing to my feet and jabbing my finger in the air. "ACTIVATE RETRO BOOSTERS! HOT GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION, ENGAGE!"

CRUNCH!

"WE'D RATHER DROWN!" the girls screamed as they retracted their legs from where they'd planted them.

" _My progeny…"_ I whimpered pitifully as I fell forwards onto my face, cradling my bruised… nether regions.

"Did you honestly think that would work?" Usopp said, eyeing me uncomfortably.

"I had… to try…" I wheezed as I feebly raised my fist into the air in a show of defiance. A show that was promptly crushed under Nami and Vivi's heels.

"GO DIE!" they bit out.

" _ **BAHAHA!"**_

"G-going down, hombres!"

" _HEEHEEHEE_ HOOHOO— _GLUG, GAGH!"_

Thankfully, the shock of the… surprisingly lukewarm water was enough to rip me out of my agony and back into reality, prompting me to doggy paddle for dear life as Scissors sank and promptly started crabby-paddling his way back to the shore.

"Well, that didn't work…" Sanji huffed as he spat out a soggy cigarette.

Soundbite mumbled out something unintelligible from my shoulder, both due to the fact that he was burying his teeth into my coat for dear life and that there was a not-inconsiderable amount of water lapping against him.

"Yeah, alright, so we didn't manage to make it the entire way…" I grumbled in frustration. "But hey, look on the bright side: with my timing, we managed to get the most out of that boost! That's worth something, right?"

Going by the glare she was sending my way, I was reasonably certain that Nami would have punched me again if she wasn't using all of her arm strength to swim.

"So, Cross," Zoro spoke up. "I'm assuming that something _else_ is going to come to help us across the river?"

"In a manner of speaking…" I eyed the water around us uneasily. Where the hell was it?

"What do you mean by—!?"

SPLASH! "GROOOARGH!"

"A SANDORA CATFISH!" Vivi shrieked fearfully. "THEY'RE MAN-EATERS!"

"You were saying?" I deadpanned.

"Withdrawn," Zoro growled as he plunged his hand beneath the water, presumably to grab the hilt of one of his swords.

"Oh, don't bother! They're already handling it," I waved him off dismissively.

"Who's they!?" Usopp demanded, trying to backpedal from the catfish's gaping jaws while struggling to keep Chopper balanced atop his head.

However, before the Catfish could successfully swallow him, it jerked back and started thrashing in agony.

"Them," I grinned as the Catfish finally keeled over and was swarmed by a crowd of very familiar figures. "He- _llo,_ Kung Fu Dugongs!"

The martial-artist marine mammals whooped and waved at us eagerly as they celebrated their victory on the fish's carcass. Hastily clambering on allowed Soundbite to regain his ability to translate their barks to words for us. "We couldn't allow our master's disciples and crewmates to just be swallowed whole-fu! We'll tow you the rest of the way-fu!"

"We're not Luffy's disciples," Nami deadpanned with a sweatdrop.

"Speak for yourself, I'm already neck-deep in the school of hard-knocks…" I growled acridly as I cast a glare at Zoro, who merely chose to respond with a vicious glare.

"Either way, we're very grateful for your help," Vivi bowed thankfully. "I realize our means of communication are somewhat limited, but I promise I'll try and repay you however I can once all this is over!"

The Dugongs' speaker returned her bow, though he glanced at another Dugong hesitantly before responding. "We appreciate the offer, but that won't be necessary-fu. We have… other plans for the future-fu."

Vivi blinked in surprise at the response, but we reached the shore before she could question him further.

"Well, we should be going!" I grinned as I grabbed Vivi's shirt and dragged her off the Catfish carcass. "Best of luck to you!"

The Dugongs waved us off as we made our way into the sands. Once we were a ways away, Sanji turned his attention to the desert. "Alright, we've done pretty good so far… so what's next? I doubt that Eyelashes could make it to Alubarna in time—"

"Well, maybe if I had some form of, shall we say, 'motivation?'" the camel proposed, batting his eyelids.

"Carrying _all_ of us?" I cut in hastily before Vivi could draw the Peacock Slasher she was starting to finger. "No, our ride to the capital should be here any second now. Soundbite?"

"SOUND THE TRUMPETS, _CAUSE HERE COME_ _ **THE CAVALRY!"**_ Soundbite announced, blaring up a bugle call as a dust-cloud showed up on the horizon, swiftly approaching us.

"Please don't tell me that's the enemy!" Usopp blurted nervously as he whipped his goggles down and started trying to puzzle out who was approaching us.

"No, wait, that's—that's Carue!" Vivi cried eagerly. As if on cue, the duck and his companions slid to a stop several feet from us. "And he's brought the Supersonic Duck Squadron with him!"

"Wepowting for duty, Pwincess!" Carue squawked as he and the rest of the ducks snapped their wings into a salute and stood at attention. Their postures then immediately faltered as they joined Carue in glaring daggers at Soundbite. "This _wasn't_ somethin' Aye missed."

"Wow, you werwen't kidding, this _is_ annoywing," the duck wearing the roman helmet and chomping down on a cigar grumbled.

"Uh… ah dunno…" said a duck in the back with a timid expression and a reversed baseball cap who was scratching the back of his head. "Ah'm just happy we can tawk at all, so—!"

"Shaddup, Stomp," the rest of the Squadron squawked in a nigh-rehearsed, tired tone of voice.

"Sowwy…" the duck apologized, slumping his head with a sigh.

"Alright, enough!" I cut in, especially after I noticed Soundbite starting to open his own mouth. "Now, Carue, _thank you_ for coming. I think I already know the answer to this, but do you think you can get us back to Alubarna in time?"

"HA!" one of the stockier ducks barked, exposing a full set of teeth. "We ain't cawed 'Supahsonic' for nuthin', bud! It'll be close, but we'll getcha there, naw sweat!"

"Alright, alright…" I nodded slowly as I processed that statement. I mulled over the canon sequence of events and puzzled out how I could figure into things. I then proceeded to grin eagerly as I came upon an idea. "Well! If you're all ready to saddle up and head out, I _think_ that I might just have a plan so that we can stop—or at least _stall—_ this rebellion in its tracks before it can throttle up into full swing!" I swung my eager gaze over our group. "Who's with me?!"

The grins I got back were answer enough.

I nodded eagerly as I shoved my Marine cap inside out in order to hide the logo before placing it on my head. "Then let's get on with it!"

 **-o-**

I peeked around the side of the bluff we were all hiding behind, just a meager mile from the statuesque form of Alubarna. I had to give Vivi's ancestors credit where credit was due: their choice in allies might have been questionable at best, but goddamn if they couldn't choose a damn good location for their nation's capital. With only five possible ways in and nothing but flat desert for miles around in most directions, the only means possible to assault the city would be via Kohza's course of action: an out-and-out charge and invasion.

Still, if we ourselves wanted any chance of getting in and stopping the two legitimate armies from clashing, first we needed to make our way past the five-man army that was guarding all the western entrances.

"Alright…" I muttered to myself as I slowly raised my hand. "Here we go… ready… set…" I chopped my hand down. " _GO!"_

And with that, six of the seven Supersonic Ducks shot out around the bluff and bolted towards the cliffs of Alubarna. The ducks managed to cross a few hundred feet of sand before the sound of cannonfire started to ring out and they were forced to dodge and weave around the patches of sand exploding around them.

A bit after that, the ducks started to split up. First, Sanji and Chopper split off and bolted towards the south, drawing the Mr. 4 team along behind them. Second, Usopp fired an explosive shot off at Mr. 1, distracting him long enough for Zoro and Nami to pelt up the steps of the West Gate, while Usopp's own duck ran down Mr. 2 and led Eyelashes through the South-West Gate.

I kept watch a moment longer before walking away from the rock face and hauling myself onto Carue's back, seating myself behind Vivi. "Coast's clear. Ready to give the speech of your life while trying to duck assassination attempts from plants in both your side and theirs?"

Vivi cast an uneasy look over her shoulder at me. "Are we doomed if I say no?"

"More like sane, in my books…" I muttered before clapping her on the shoulder. "Well, this rebellion won't end itself. Or rather, it will, but not in a way we like. Step on it, Carue!"

"Wight!" the duck squawked in agreement, kicking up a storm as he broke for the stretch of sand between Alubarna and the rebels.

Within minutes, we were firmly situated between the southernmost gate of Alubarna and the army of righteous fury and justice that was basically the horizon and barrelling down on us.

" _Their arrows will blot out the sun…"_ Soundbite muttered nervously.

I blew out a nervous breath as I clenched and unclenched my fist. "Then we will fight in the shade…" I muttered back.

Vivi started to slide off of Carue, but I quickly put an end to that by grabbing her cloak. "Hey hey hey, where the heck do you think you're going!?"

The princess shot a bewildered look at me. "Getting off so that you two and Carue can get away in case anything goes wrong!"

"And leave you to get turned into royal paste if these guys don't stop? Yeah, pull the other one!" I scoffed.

"They'll stop once I speak with them! And besides, Soundbite will give me at least a mile of leeway once they're in range!" Vivi shot back.

" _You don't_ **trust me?"** Soundbite whimpered, accompanied by a dose of puppydog eyes.

"Not on your life, but that's beside the point," I deadpanned. "Here's what I'm concerned about: when was the last time either of you saw _any_ of our plans work perfectly without something going wrong in some way, shape, or form?"

" _Ah…"_ Soundbite trailed off uncomfortably, he and Vivi trading unsure glances.

Vivi chewed her lip nervously. "Still…"

"Damn it, woman, I am trying to keep _some_ form of redundancy in play here! Will you _please_ lay off the martyr complex for _ten freaking seconds!?"_ I finally burst out.

"A-A-Aye agwee with Cwoss!" Carue stammered out, visibly gritting his beak as he tried to steel his nerves. "Y-you'we my fwiend, Vivi, and I won't leave you no mattah what!"

"Oh yeah, good point!" I snapped my fingers in realization. "Carue and the rest of the Squad are an official part of the Alabastan military. You want to look official and really draw their attention, you'll stay on Carue so that we can get the hell out of dodge in case anything goes wrong. Got it?"

Vivi held up her glare for a moment longer before sighing and pinching the bridge of her nose. "Yes, Igaram…" she ground out in exasperation before glancing at Soundbite. "Is Kohza in range yet?"

" _EHHH…"_ Soundbite angled his head uncertainly. " **They're on the** _ **edge of my hearing,**_ _should be in range_ **OF MY VOICE** ANY SECOND!"

"Remember, Kohza's the one in the lead on the horse. Keep it to him and him only, if the plants pick up that things are going wrong too soon, they'll try and send things straight to hell," I told him, twisting myself around in Carue's saddle as I tried to examine the cannons lining the city's border. Hopefully, I'd be able to notice if any of them started to get trigger happy before we got turned into a fine red mist.

" _YEAH, YEAH,_ I GOT IT…" Soundbite mumbled, more to himself than us. " _Almost… almost… al—_ **huh?"** Soundbite cut himself off, glancing around in confusion, before suddenly snapping back into his shell and loosing a myriad of alarm bells and sirens.

"Wha—Soundbite!?" Vivi looked back at us in confusion. "What are you doing, what's wrong with him!?"

"I-I don't know!" I shook my head hastily as I tried to quiet the Baby Transponder Snail. "Soundbite, what's wrong!?"

" **DEATH FROM ABOVE!"** Soundbite screamed at the top of his lungs. " _ **DEATH FROM ABO—!"**_

SLASH!

" _ **AAAAAGH!"**_

"GAGH!" I choked as my shoulder exploded into pain, gripping it desperately as I felt blood flowing freely from my torn flesh. Carue barely managed to keep me from falling off of his back as I writhed from the sudden injury. "SON OF A _BITCH!"_

"CROSS!" Vivi exclaimed as she hastily tried to steady our ride. "Cross, are you al—!?"

" _ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME THAT!?"_

"T-then what just happened!?" Vivi gave my shredded shoulder one look before her eyes snapped open in realization. "AND WHERE THE HELL IS SOUNDBITE!?"

"WHAT!?" I snapped my eyes to my shoulder. As she said, Soundbite was completely gone, and all that was left in his place was a parallel set of jagged… slash… marks oh son of a bitch.

I twisted around as much as I could and managed to confirm my theory as I caught sight of an all-too-familiar pair of figures barreling towards Alubarna. "YOU FUCKING FURRY JACKASSES!" I screamed furiously.

"The Unluckies!?" Vivi gasped in horror. "But I thought you said you saw them get eaten by dinosaurs!"

"I saw them getting _chased_ by dinosaurs, I thought that would be more than enough to keep those bastards occupied!" I sputtered indignantly, fighting to concentrate more on my rage than my agony. "Clearly, I was wrong!"

"No shit, Sherwock!" Carue sputtered, eyeing the approaching army nervously. "What da hell do we do now!?"

"Uh… I-I can still try talking with Kohza…?" Vivi tried.

I made to respond as I tried to keep track of the Unluckies… before promptly hissing in panic as I saw one of the cannons starting to move. "Oh, we are _way_ beyond the point of talking now."

"Huh? What are you—!?"

BOOM!

"INCOMING AT TWELVE-O-FUCKING-CLOCK, MOVE!" I bellowed, ramming my heels into Carue's side.

"ON I—ACK!" the Supersonic Duck started to say before resorting to quacking as Soundbite was brought out of range, pelting forwards from a dead halt. Just in the nick of time, too, because a _second_ later, the sand where we'd been erupted.

"T-the Royal Army!?" Vivi demanded incredulously.

"Try Crocodile's anonymous donations to their ranks!" I spat, wincing as my wound shook viciously. God _damn it_ this stung like balls! "Damn it, this just blew up in our faces. Carue, one-eighty, now! We're making a break for Alubarna!"

"What!? NO! Cross—!" Vivi started.

"Damn it, Vivi, listen to them!" I jabbed a finger at the too-fast approaching army that was now roaring furiously. "That blast just set them over the edge, they won't hear _anything_ you say to them! We tried diplomacy, and I'm _sorry_ it didn't work, but it's _over!_ The best we can do is fall back and try and salvage as much as we can!"

"But, I…" Vivi cast a desperate gaze at the army. "They… my citizens… my _friends…"_

"And you're their ruler and the only person who can stop this before they all kill themselves!" I shot back, gesturing frantically at the still oncoming horde—and the distressingly visible weapons they were brandishing. "For God's sake, please listen to me and learn this _one_ lesson: knowing when to cut your losses and _run!"_

Vivi stared miserably at the rebels for a moment longer. Finally, she bit her lip and tugged on Carue's reigns. "Full speed back to Alubarna, Carue, now!"

"QUA-ACK!" Carue squawked in agreement, twisting around and tearing towards the South Gate.

The run wasn't safe, by any measure of the word. The Baroque Works agents had decided to abandon any and all semblance of subtlety in favor of simply firing as fast as they could in our general direction, blowing dune after dune into nothing as they tried to wipe us out. Luckily enough, I could spy uniformed men who I presumed were legitimate soldiers fighting to subdue the plants and regain control of their artillery.

 _Un-_ luckily, there was someone else coming at us now, and his face was both inviting _and_ distressing.

"Hey, guys!" Usopp called out, waving his hand as he galloped towards us on a horse. "I managed to lose Mr. 2! Now, let's go get Crocodile and save this kingdom!"

I tilted my head slightly in an effort to get a better view of the ludicrous sight before me. "Is he serious?" I asked, more to myself then Vivi.

"Wow, I can't believe Usopp actually managed to beat him!" Vivi exclaimed, grinning euphorically.

I shot an incredulous look at the princess before shooting a flat look over her shoulder at the approaching 'sniper'. "Right, I'm bringing this crazy train to a halt…" I muttered before raising my voice to a shout. "HEY 'USOPP', EMPORIO IVANKOV IS AN OVERRATED HACK!"

" _THAT'S A BARE-FACED LIE!"_ 'Usopp' shrieked in a voice that wasn't his own before pausing with a stricken look. "Ah—I—T-that is to say— _oh, forget it!"_ Bon Clay snarled, slapping his left hand to his face and reverting to his original form as he struck a ready faux-kung-fu pose on his mount's back. "PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER YOU BLASPHEMOUS—!"

" _QUA-A-A-ACK!"_ Carue more roared than squawked, pumping his legs in order to leap clean over the horse's head and slam his talons into Mr. 2's center mass, taking the okama off his steed as a result and stomping him into the sand. He finished by giving a final leap off of Bon Clay's body before resuming his charge for Alubarna.

Vivi and I were… _awed,_ to say the least.

"C-Carue…" Vivi stammered incredulously. "That-that was _amazing!"_

"Hell, yeah!" I concurred. "A full degree more badass than what you did in the story at this point, and that was full-on military commando badass already!" My face fell as the details on _who_ , exactly, we were dealing with penetrated through the euphoria. "Too bad it won't keep him down for long. We need to double-time it into the city!"

"Cross, Carue just hit Mr. 2 while going several miles an hour! He couldn't possibly—!"

" _ENOUGH JOKING AROUND!"_ a way too feminine voice roared from behind us. " _THAT IS THE SECOND TIME TODAY THAT I HAVE BEEN RUN DOWN BY AN OVERGROWN WATERFOWL IN A DESERT! PREPARE TO BECOME FOIE GRAS, YOU INELEGANT_ BIRD!"

"You were saying?" I snarked.

" _Go-go-go-go!"_ Vivi urged Carue desperately, ramming her heels into his side.

"WAAACK!" Carue screamed, flailing his wings desperately as he tried to stay ahead of Mr. 2.

Within moments, Carue managed to reach the stairs and dash up them at top speed, the traction the stonework granted him allowing him to practically double his speed.

And a good thing, too, because when I risked a glance behind us I could see Mr. 2 keeping pace, twirling after us at nigh transonic speeds and belting out a _way_ mispronounced rendition of 'un, deux, trois.' I don't know what was more painful, his physique or his French.

Once we reached the top, the soldiers hastily cleared out just enough of their blockade for us to get through. Unfortunately, one of the soldiers was just a _bit_ too slow in moving, or perhaps a bit too fast, as without warning a musket fell down in Carue's path. The duck _tried_ to dodge the obstacle, but in the end there was nothing he could do. The rod of wood and metal got tangled up in his legs and down he went, inadvertently bucking us off and sending Vivi and I tumbling to the ground.

"Ooooww…" I moaned, pushing myself off the ground and rubbing my shoulder. "Son of a… damn that wasn't fu— _GAH! SON OF A BITCH!"_ I yelped miserably as my shoulder flared up. "GOD DAMN IT, SAND! SAND IN MY OPEN _WOUND!_ GODDAMN COBRA-SNIFFING TAR-SUCKING FIRE-LICKING— _GAGH!"_ My agonized tirade was cut off by a firm foot stomping down on my head and forcing my face into the dirt.

"My, my, what a _mouth_ you have on you, dear," Mr. 2 drawled, sickly sweet. "Didn't your mother teach you any better?"

"Momma taught me how to smack a _bitch…"_ I ground out viciously.

"Flattery will get you nowhere, boy," the okama sniffed before raising his leg up high. "Now, then, say good night, you damn—!"

" _HOWLING FANG!"_

"GACK!" Mr. 2 shrieked in pain as a blur of black fur rammed into him from out of nowhere and knocked him off me.

The blur promptly reshaped itself into a halfway-transformed Chaka, who spent a moment glaring viciously at Mr. 2 before glancing down at me. "Seeing how you were riding Carue as well, I'm guessing that you're one of the pirates Vivi mentioned in her letter?"

"Yes, I am, and I'm _not_ just saying that because saying no means you'll rip my throat out," I deadpanned.

"Good. You have my thanks for protecting the Princess, and—"

"HEY! IF YOU THINK THAT I'M DONE YET, THEN YOU ARE _SORELY_ MISTAKEN, BUSTER!"

I tensed in panic as once _again_ Mr. 2's voice rang out, this time coming from where he was balancing on the very edge of the South Gate's stairs.

"A fine, upstanding okama such as I will _not_ be taken down by a worthless mutt such as you!" he sniffed before grinning sadistically. "Now, come! Prepare to face the fury of my 'Oh Come My Way' Ken—!"

THWACK!

"GACK, GRK!" Mr. 2 doubled over and clutched his throat in pain, nothing but a series of wet gurgles coming out of his mouth.

"For the record, that was for the pain you no doubt put Usopp through when you stole his face," Vivi stated as she shook her hand out. " _This_ is for trying to topple _my_ kingdom." And with that, she reeled back and slugged him clean in the middle of his ugly mug.

"ACK!" Mr. 2 yelped as he clutched his (hopefully) fractured nose.

"And _this_ is for your horrible outfit, on behalf of women everywhere."

SLAM!

"Ooooh…" Chaka, Carue and I winced in sympathy.

Mr. 2 whimpered pathetically as he locked his knees together before tilting backwards and plummeting down the steps. There was a sound not unlike that of a rubber ball hitting the ground, followed by a shouted "Ow!".

Frowning, I inched my way up to the top of the stairs, and watched Mr. 2 bounce repeatedly down them, each impact with the stone steps eliciting another yelped exclamation from the okama. This repeated several times before he belly-flopped onto the sand.

"Huh, the cartoons actually got that right," I mused. Looking up from Mr. 2's prone form, I took a step back in nervous fear as I saw that the rebel army was getting awfully close. "Okay, time to go, I think. When he gets up, he is going to be _pissed."_

"Excuse me!?" Chaka started in shock.

"Cross, you can _not_ be serious!" Vivi demanded. "I mean, if he were a Zoan, I'd understand, but—!"

"In the original story, he took kicks to the face from Sanji—repeatedly, I might add!—and kept fighting," I stated flatly. "Hell, he got Sanji on the damn ropes, even _before_ he started using Nami's body!"

Vivi's face turned an ashen gray as she glanced down the stairs before looking back at me with an expression of severe panic. "We run?"

"We run," I agreed, furtively glancing around. "The only question is, where to? The bomb's already taken care of, so—!" I choked as I noticed Chaka tensing up before flinging an incredulous look at Vivi. " _You didn't tell them about the damn bomb!?"_

"What!? No, I did, of course I did!" Vivi protested before shooting an incredulous look at her family's protector. " _Chaka!?"_

"W-we _tried_ to storm the clocktower as you ordered, but somehow the pair you warned us about already knew we were coming!" Chaka hastily explained. "By the time we arrived, they'd somehow managed to amass a small army and entrench themselves! We've spent the past forty-eight hours trying to dig them out, but to no avail."

Vivi and I stared at him in shock. "So… what you're telling me is that the bomb with the multi-kiloton payload _is_ _still in play!?_ "

"Not by choice!" the canine Zoan shot back. "We've tried getting in every which way we can imagine, but their position is too well-fortified! And to make matters worse—!"

"Whenever someone shows their head in view of the tower, they get gunned down from out of _nowhere_ ," Vivi finished as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "The Mr. 7 team, _damn it…"_

"Qua-lways thought they wooked stu—huh!?" Carue cut himself off mid-sentence as he realized that he was talking, drawing all of our attention as well.

"What the—?" Chaka started, but I interrupted him.

"SOUNDBITE! Can you hear me!?" I yelled out at the top of my lungs.

" _YES!"_ a medley of voices warbled out from nowhere. " _ **The furry**_ FUCKERS _**STUFFED ME**_ _in my_ **shell** AND ARE _wheeling around_ **above the buildings!** I'D GET _out on_ **my own, BUT** _I'm in_ THE FEATHER- _RAT'S_ **claws! IF I DROP THEM—!"**

"You get dropped and go splat, right…" I groaned acridly as I massaged my temple. Damn it damn it _damn it,_ this was going straight to hell. I wracked my mind furiously as I tried to come up with a plan. Finally, I was able to put together what I _seriously_ hoped was a semi-passable plan. "Alright… alright, you hang tight—no pun intended—and make sure that they don't realize that you're not silenced while you're in your shell. I'll try and come and get you. Just… just be patient, alright?"

There was a moment of silence before Soundbite's voice drawled out. " _I'm a_ SNAIL. **My max** _speed_ IS **AN inch an** HOUR. _**PATIENCE IS PRACTICALLY MY SPECIES' FUCKING VIR—!"**_ The tirade suddenly cut off without warning. I looked back at an exasperated Vivi and Carue and the sweatdropping jackal-man.

"The pests must have flown out of range," I explained with a sigh. "Hopefully Soundbite will be able to lead me to them when they circle back around, but for now, let's plan out our next moves.

"First, what are you thinking right now, Vivi?" I asked, noticing the thoughtful look she'd adopted.

"I was thinking that something really shocking to both sides might stall the two armies enough for me to be able to defuse this whole mess without Soundbite's help," Vivi explained. "If nothing else, I'd be able to get them farther away from the bomb. The bomb is actually what made me think of—"

"Don't bother, he's already waiting for you," I said, waving my hand dismissively. "For all I know, blowing up the palace might work, but the second you set the charges, the sand bastard will blow in. And until Pell gets here, we don't have any way of beating him."

"Wait, Pell?" Chaka interjected. "Pell's just a Zoan like me, if an admirably skilled one! How can he possibly beat a Logia like Crocodile?"

"He can't," I replied, shaking my head solemnly before sticking up a finger. "But the passenger he's bringing along sure as hell can. It'll take some work, but…" I grinned viciously. "Trust me, Luffy _will_ beat Crocodile. It'll take a lot of work, but Alabasta will _not_ fall today."

A glimmer appeared in Vivi's eyes for a moment, but in the next it was replaced with the cold steel of command that was starting to become familiar. "Alright, then, in that case, I have a different idea." She shot a questioning look at Chaka. "The Baroque Works agents in the clocktower, did they leave one flank deliberately unprotected, but cover it in boobytraps?"

Chaka recoiled in shock. "How did you—!? Uh, yes, but how does that matter?"

Vivi grinned confidently as her suspicions were confirmed. "It means that Baroque Works either hasn't had the time or the inclination to change its playbook since I left its ranks. And _that_ means that I know _exactly_ how to get you and your men past the Mr. 7 team and into the tower to stop the bomb." Her grin faltered a bit as she looked at me. "Any reason why that wouldn't work?"

Chaka obviously didn't think so. "Wha— _Princess Vivi!_ Such a course of action would be beyond reckless! I cannot, in good conscience—!" The Zoan cut himself off as Vivi pinned him with a frigid glare, maintaining her gaze until he fully backed down. "A-as you say, Princess…" He mumbled something incoherent under his breath, though I'm _fairly_ certain the phrase 'third trimester all over again' was somewhere in there.

I took a moment to chuckle at the sight of the loyal hound being brought to heel before nodding in agreement. "Yeah, that should work. Once those two are out of the way, Pell should be clear to carry the bomb out of blast range. Straight up would be advisable, just in case any of the Rebels get the bright idea to gun down one of the Royal Guardians of Alabasta."

Vivi frowned in confusion. "Wait, carry it? The Mr. 7 team is shooting it from the clock tower, right? That's the only thing that makes sense to make them think they won't be caught in the blast, plus they're the best snipers in Baroque Works. If they don't shoot the bomb, then they'll—"

"Qua-to smithaweens?" Carue asked, before blinking in realization. "Huh, Soundbite must be close again. Anyways, as I wath thaying, do you _weally_ think Cwocodile cares even a _bit_ aboud his subowdinates?"

"Give the duck a prize," I nodded sagely. "Crocodile always has a backup plan, and this one takes the form of a timer hooked to the bomb. It's set to go off at, ah…" I racked my brain, trying to remember what Crocodile had said. "4:30! Yeah, 4:30. Anyway, even if you have any bomb technicians available, chances are that there _isn't_ any means of safely disarming the damn thing. It's going off no matter what, but at least Pell can carry it out far enough that Alubarna won't be within the blast radius. With any luck, he'll be able to time it so that he can dive fast enough to escape the blast."

The princess bit her lip uncomfortably. "But if he isn't…"

"Then he'll _still_ be fine," I patiently reassured her. "After all, Zoans are stupid tough. Besides, he did it before, and _that_ was after getting gunned down by Miss Father's Day. Trust me, Princess, if there's one thing you learn from watching the Strawhat Pirates in action, it's that you would be shocked, _shocked_ at what a person can live through."

"Would you mind explaining how you know all of this?" Chaka asked, apparently after a struggle to find his voice. He then tensed and whipped his hand to his side. "Did you eat the Glare-Glare Fruit?" he demanded tersely.

I hastily raised my hands in surrender. "Don't worry… General?" I glanced at Vivi, who nodded in confirmation. "General. The Glare-Glare Fruit remains in the possession of the user you're no doubt thinking of, safe and sound and incapable of peering through time. I _am_ impressed by your logical extrapolation of Devil Fruit powers, though, it's rare to meet someone quite so perceptive!"

Chaka shot an uncertain glance at Vivi.

"He told me how he knows so much before we arrived in Alabasta, Chaka, and I saw him swimming earlier this morning," she confirmed. With that, Chaka relaxed, and looked back at me.

"I'll worry about how you know all of this when the war is over, then. For now, anything else to tell me?"

I frowned in thought, glancing out at the approaching Rebel Army. Still a few minutes out, good. I'd need as much leeway as I could get to reach Soundbite.

"Let's see…" I tapped my chin contemplatively before snapping my fingers in realization. "At a guess, you've already arrested the jackasses who tried to use the cannons to blow us to kingdom come, right?"

Chaka scowled darkly, but nodded nonetheless. "Yes, we did. I don't know what the hell they were thinking, firing before the Rebel Army was in range, much less at someone riding a member of the Supersonic Duck Squadron, but—!"

"Mind if I see one of them real quick?" I interrupted. "There's something about them you need to see."

Chaka gave me another uncertain look, but a nod from Vivi had him barking— _ha!_ —orders to his soldiers. Within seconds, two white-robed guards hauled a struggling and restrained third before us.

The prisoner stiffened as he caught sight of us before plastering a wide and toothy grin on his face. "G-General, sir! C-come on, isn't this a bit much? I just had a bit of heat-stroke is all! Why else would I fire at someone riding one of the Supersonic—?"

In lieu of a verbal response, I strode up to the man, grabbed his sleeves and _yanked,_ tearing them clean off. There, clear as day and branded on the man's right bicep, was the grinning skull-and-cross-blades of Baroque Works.

Both the man and I were silent as we stared at the exposed tattoo before I deigned to address him. "I dread to ask, but what the _hell_ made you think it would be a good idea to tattoo yourself with _that_ logo of all things? Isn't Baroque Works supposed to be the cloakiest of 'cloak-and-dagger' organizations?"

The man hung his head with a defeated groan. "A combo of a lot of alcohol, a lot of boredom, and the fact that no one is supposed to know that Baroque Works exists in the first place." He looked up with a hopeful grin. "I don't suppose that if I were to say 'state's evidence'—?"

"Even if there was a way for us to determine whether or not you were lying through your teeth, that ship has _long_ since sailed, dumbass," I deadpanned.

The man's expression promptly twisted into an ugly scowl. "Well, in that case, fuck you, fuck this kingdom, and fuck that bitch whore of a trai—!"

THWACK!

I tsked as I tapped my baton in my palm, pinning a stinkeye on the thoroughly concussed grunt. "Forget Thugs-R-Us, Crocodile scooped this bastard out of a literal roach motel…" I turned back around to address my comrades. "Anyways, you get the gist: if you see anyone with that symbol on their person, don't wait, don't hesitate, just take them _down._ Doesn't matter if they're Royal Army or Rebel Army, they'll be in both and their sole goal is to aggravate the conflict. Every second one of them walks around free is another person dead. Got it?"

Chaka nodded, then stiffened as a thought struck him and looked at the two other guards. "Remove your sleeves."

The two guards duly did so, tearing their robes with no concern for neatness in the tears. Chaka, for his part, shrugged off the green cloak he was wearing, and then removed the sleeves of his tunic. All present relaxed as they saw no Baroque Works emblems.

"Alright," Chaka nodded firmly. "You two split up and start inspecting the men on the walls. Clear the cannons first, then—!"

SLASH!

"Grgk!" one of the two men gurgled miserably as he fell to his knees, slumping over into unconsciousness and bleeding from the neck.

Chaka, Carue and the remaining soldier and I stared at him in shock before turning our stunned gazes over to Vivi, who was rolling up her Peacock String Slasher. "Look at his neck," she growled acridly.

A slight shift of the man's hood revealed the presence of yet _another_ tattoo.

"Good catch…" I weakly stated.

"This is going to be a nightmare," Chaka scowled tiredly.

"More than it already is?" Vivi deadpanned as she glanced back at the ever-approaching army, not waiting for an answer before mounting Carue. "Come on, we need to inspect the troops and assemble a reliable strike force. Cross, good luck with Soundbite. I hope you get him back, he's our best shot at talking the rebels down… and a good friend besides."

I started to nod before _another_ thought came to me. "Oh, one last thing! You have an elite unit, right? The… um, the claw…?"

"The Kicking Claw Force?" Chaka swiftly answered. "Don't tell me that one of _them—!"_

"No no, not at all!" I hastily reassured him. "They're loyal to the crown, completely and utterly! Maybe even a bit too much, to be honest. Keep a close eye on them; if they get it into their heads that sacrificing their lives will help save this kingdom, they won't hesitate to do it."

Chaka considered the information for a moment before nodding. "Understood. Thank you very much, Cross, both for this information, and for protecting Vivi."

I grinned back at the man. "Not even half a problem. Now, let's get started on saving Alabasta from burning to the ground! Who's with me!?" I shot my fist into the air—!

Aaaaand promptly froze as my shoulder voiced its displeasure. With a vengeance.

"… Right after I get this open wound bound up. Medic?"

 **-o-**

One quick patch-job later, we'd all split up, Vivi heading to the clock tower at the head of a Royal Army strike force while I found myself deeper within Alubarna, just barely poking my nose around the corner of one of the many sandstone walls that made up most of the city's architecture.

"Alright, Soundbite, you sure this'll work?" I hissed to the air.

" _IT'S YOUR_ **damn** PLAN!"

"And I don't suppose that there's any chance you could talk me out of it, is there?" I retorted half-nervously.

" _Just get ready!_ **THEY'RE COMING."**

"Right, right…" I nodded, my entire body slowly tensing in anticipation as I clenched and unclenched the grip I had on my baton. "OK, I'm ready. Say when, then amp."

" _ **Roger roger."**_

I swallowed heavily as the seconds crawled by, only half of the copious amount of sweat coating my skin the result of the sun's heat. It had taken some time to work out a viable strategy with which to confront the Unluckies, but in the end, we'd managed to come up with something.

We got the idea from _Avatar._ The basic gist of it was that when you were the king of the skies…

" **NOW!"**

I darted out from around the corner and ran at the edge of my footing as fast as I could, accumulating as much speed as I could get. As I ran, I sucked in a deep breath and shouted, my voice getting amplified by Soundbite so that it came from everywhere at once. " **HEY, YOU! FURRY JACKASSES!"**

The moment I hit the edge, I took a brief moment to confirm the Unluckies' position...

…why would you ever bother to look up?

Before launching myself off the three-story rooftop at them.

" **GIVE ME BACK MY GODDAMN SNAIL!"**


	22. Chapter 21 - Alabasta Pt 7

**Chapter 21**

For a few seconds, the world around me seemed to fade as my mind processed the fact that I was falling from a three-story height, and my adrenaline spiked. Quite honestly, had Soundbite been with me and were the situation any less dire, I'd no doubt be laughing my ass off.

Then I slammed into a half-furry, half-feathery mass, and the world kicked itself into high gear.

More specifically, it started up with a strangled squawk that Miss Friday loosed as I struck her, the vulture flapping her wings furiously as she tried to hold the three of us—four if you counted Soundbite—aloft. I barely had time to wrap my arms around Friday's throat before she started flailing and bucking in a dual attempt to throw me off and stay in the air.

Mister 13 was squirming and flailing beneath me, trying to wriggle his way out and do _something_ that would no doubt be unpleasant. Considering how I had absolutely no intention of being disemboweled by a killer otter, I hastily took action: I freed one of my hands and used it to grab 13's onesie, shifting my weight just enough to get him out from under me. I spared a moment to grin madly at his stricken expression before I let him go. "OTTER'S AWAY!" I bellowed.

In a rather fabulous stroke of luck, it was just as I let 13 go that Friday swung herself upwards, causing my legs to flail forwards. Still, not one to look fate's gift horse in the mouth, I swung one of my dangling legs with the momentum and managed to catch 13 with a rather _impressive_ punt, if I did say so myself.

" _FOOOOORE!"_ Soundbite whooped ecstatically from below me.

"Wrong sport, Sound—GAGH!" I clenched my teeth hastily as Friday tried slamming her back into a building and dragging me along the stonework, only just managing to save myself from biting my tongue off. "Soundbite! Personally, I'd say that this isn't a game, it's just plain-old _pest control!"_

" **Business or pleasure?** _ **BOTH!"**_ the snail shot back happily, apparently not even slightly fazed by how wild his ride was becoming.

"Yeah? Well, this pleasure cruise is coming to an end! First, I'll be taking my belongings back!" I swung myself just far enough to the side that I could scrabble with Miss Friday's talons, managing after a few attempts to get a good grip on Soundbite's shell, yank him out into my own hold, and move him to my uninjured shoulder, which he clamped onto with his teeth.

" _I'm nobody's property!"_ Soundbite shot back, albeit with a look of gratitude directed at me.

"And second, we're bringing this ride to a stop!" I reached around Friday's head and grabbed ahold of her goggles, yanking them out a few inches from her face. From the way she suddenly tensed and started frantically shaking her head, she knew what was coming next. "NOW!" And with that, I let the goggles go with loud SNAP!

Miss Friday loosed an agonized squawk as she lost the rhythm of her wingbeats and fell into a dive she was only barely managing to control and slow by wildly flailing her wings.

Thankfully, her actions, combined with me weighing her down and lowering her altitude the entire time I was accosting her, were enough to make the crash landing we performed within seconds merely painful, as opposed to outright deadly. Still, this distinction was only cold comfort on account of how, to reiterate, we fell from a few dozen feet up in the air while moving forward at a not inconsiderable velocity.

The second we hit the ground, I was flung clean off the assassin's back and sent rolling through the dusty street we'd landed in. Once I stopped moving and managed to get my head on straight, I lay very, _very_ still as I appreciated the simply _astounding_ amount of pain I was in, because just… _ow._ About the only body part not in excruciating pain was my shins. Everything else either felt like one big bruise, the armored parts of my body were ringing like bells, others felt like someone had rubbed them with sandpaper, or, in the case of my shoulder, like someone was stabbing it repeatedly with a hot knife. At least nothing felt broken.

Overall…

"Oh, my God, that was such a horrible plan…" I wheezed miserably, my everything aching like all hell.

" _Oh,_ **I DUNNO,"** Soundbite whistled as he properly slid into place on my shoulder. "I'D SAY _**it worked!"**_

"Ha ha ha, screw you…" I ground out from between clenched teeth before slowly glancing over at him. "You good?"

Soundbite fell silent for a moment before nodding in agreement. "YEAH, _**yeah,**_ _I'M GOOD._ **Thanks for the save."**

"Psh," I waved him off as casually as I could manage as I hauled myself up into a sitting position, rolling my joints as I tried to work out some of the pain. "I didn't do it for you, I did it because those bastards sliced up my shoulder like it was a freaking steak. Getting you back was just a side benefit _and_ an unfortunate consequence. Still…" I massaged my shoulder contemplatively. "At least it should leave behind a pretty damn impressive scar, no?"

Soundbite leaned forwards and took in the bandages that wrapped my left shoulder before grinning eagerly. " **Oooh,** _MOST DEFINITELY!"_ '

"Glad you agree. Now come on, we need to mo—!"

" _Suffer."_

The second the low, raspy, _demonic_ voice hit my ears, I scrambled to my feet and _ran,_ managing to toss myself into an alleyway _just_ as the part of the street I'd been lying in was torn up by a hail of bullets. And once I started running, I damn well didn't let myself _stop._

"That's the voice you chose for them!? Seriously!?" I spat frantically, rounding a corner just as a flap of wings and the screech of talons on stone heralded another burst of gunfire that barely missed me. "Why not make them sound like Looney Tunes or something!? That's more your style!"

"CAN'T! _TOO SCARED!"_ Soundbite yowled from within his shell.

I risked a glance over my shoulder, and I swear to God that vulture looked like a freaking avatar of death as she chased us, back in the air.

"Sensible," was all I managed to get out. Still, as long as I stayed in the alleyways and forced her to remain below the rooftops, we had a chance of—

Of course, it was at that moment that I ran out into a nice, _wiiiide_ open street, with no other open alleyways in sight. And as for the doors to the houses, well, there was a big difference between Alabasta and Rainbase: Rainbase's residents weren't expecting an army of rebels to attack and as such hadn't boarded up their homes before leaving, whereas Alubarna's citizens were and had.

I spun around on my heel—

BOOM!

And was met with the shockwave of Miss Friday collapsing the mouth of the alley I'd exited with what I presumed to be a round of explosive ammunition before soaring up into the air, effectively cutting off my only route of retreat.

I stared at the rubble for a second longer before turning my gaze upwards to stare at the vulture circling high above me. "Who or whatever it is that keeps screwing with my luck had damn well better make it up to me if I live through this…" I muttered to myself before giving one last pointed glare up at the clouds and swinging my gaze back and forth down the street. "I don't suppose you can see a way for us to swim the hell out of this barrel, can you?"

" _ **UMMM…"**_ Soundbite swung his eyestalks back and forth, even going so far as to outright cross them before focusing on something to our right. "OH! _How about_ _ **over there?"**_

I followed Soundbite's line of sight and grinned just as eagerly as him when I saw what he was eyeing: a bar at the end of the street, just a few meters away from us. The door was boarded up, yes indeed, but its primary, wall-encompassing window? _That_ was left completely unguarded.

"Oh, yeah, that'll work!" I nodded in agreement.

Soundbite made to respond in turn… and then his grin melted into panic as he chanced a glance upwards. " _ **OH NO!"**_

I followed Soundbite's line of sight and mentally repeated the sentiment, with _mucho_ gusto.

Friday was finished circling. Instead, she'd swooped down to the end of the street to the left of me, and was gliding towards us at high speeds. Death, borne upon black wings and toting two F-U calibre machine guns, was approaching at high speeds and fully intent on eviscerating both me and my talking snail.

…goddamn it, when the _hell_ did my life become a cheesy B-list 80s action movie!?

"Sometimes, it freaking _sucks_ to live in an anime…" I ground out.

" _BE HAPPY_ THIS ISN'T **Evangelion,"** Soundbite shot back. " **NOW RUN, DAMMIT!"**

And with that I turned tail and ran, bolting for the bar as fast as I could run. The dirt exploded all around me and the air was filled with the distinctive chatter-chatter of automatic weapons as Miss Friday opened fire. Even with Friday's rage no doubt impeding her aim, I still felt at least three bullets graze my greaves before I was within range of the window. Two more bullets sped by my head, shearing clean through the glass and leaving substantial cracks in the pane before I leapt forwards, crossing my arms in front of my face.

SMASH!

There was one aspect of jumping through glass windows that the movies typically didn't show you: it stung like all _hell!_ Both the impact of jumping through and the glass shards that showered around me did much to aggravate my previous injuries. Still, I had enough wherewithal left in me to turn around and see Miss Friday pull up and soar out of sight moments before she reached the window, having been no less than a foot or two behind me.

"Well, that worked…" I huffed, slowly working my way to my feet and gingerly dusting myself off, more than a few stray shards falling off of me in the process.

"NOT FOR LONG," Soundbite growled warily, his eyes tracking something through the roof and walls. " _She's circling around,_ **bleeding off speed. SHE'LL BE** _HERE SOON!_ YOU GOTTA HIDE, _**now!"**_

I tensed and frantically scanned the inside of the bar. "Alright, alright, uhhh…" Unfortunately, the owner had apparently decided to clear out as much as he could before he left. All that was left in the place were a half dozen tables, some chairs, the bottles that were arrayed on the shelves behind the bar itself— _the bar!_

Moving fast, I scrambled towards the bar and vaulted myself over the countertop. Once I was on the other side, I pressed myself as close to the floor as I could, clamping both mine and Soundbite's mouths shut.

The sound of flapping wings followed by a sudden crunch of glass heralded the proactive buzzard's return, and told me that I hadn't been a moment too soon.

For a bare moment, silence reigned. No movement, no noise, no _nothing._

 _RATATATATAT—!_

Until Miss Friday let loose with a hail of bullets.

I was grateful for the sheer noise that the gunfire was producing, because I was cursing up a storm beneath my breath while the world around me went to pot. The bullets that flew above the bar impacted what was left of the establishment's liquor stock, eviscerating almost a dozen bottles in the first barrage alone and their shelves alongside them, sending a cascade of booze, glass and wood splinters raining down around me. Furthermore, while the thick wood of the bar itself served to stop more than a few of the bullets, others still managed to pass through. The round that ricocheted off my forearm was particularly distressing.

The one that punched through the bar inches in front of my eyes and buried itself in the floor beneath my nose was notably _worse._

Then, as fast as the onslaught had started, it was all over, leaving behind only the tinkling of glass and the _drip-drip-drip_ of wasted booze.

The silence lasted just long enough for my heartbeat to downgrade to the rhythm of a jackhammer… until it was ratcheted _right_ back up there again by the slow and steady crunching of glass beneath that psychotic _bitch_ of a bird's talons.

I dug my teeth into my lip as I fought to keep myself silent. God damn it, the second that bird found me I was going to be turned into a legitimate freaking _sieve._ What the hell could I possibly use to get out of here, I was in a _bar_ for goodness sakes!

Suddenly, I was drawn out of my thoughts by Soundbite grunting firmly and nudging his head against my neck. The second he had my attention, he turned his eyestalks upward and jabbed them at something up and behind me.

I followed his gaze, and promptly widened my eyes in shock.

Of course… how could I forget? I wasn't just in a bar; I was in a stereotypical bar in the middle of the _Grand Line._

Moving as _slowly_ as possible in order to minimize the noise I was making, I slid my hands towards my last hope and wrapped my fingers around it, drawing it towards me as the sound of talons scratching against the floor came closer and closer.

I paused for a moment as I contemplated just _how_ I could effectively use my newfound advantage, but was swiftly interrupted by a flap of wings and a heavy _thunk_ echoing out from directly above me. I tensed furiously for a moment as I caught sight of Miss Friday's shadow looming on the wall before me… but I was able to marginally relax when the shadow's head instead started slowly swivelling back and forth, her gaze scanning the wood mere inches away from where I was lying.

Moving as swiftly as I dared, I positioned my only hope upwards, pointing it directly at where Miss Friday was standing as I readied myself for what I was about to attempt. Before I acted, I absentmindedly slid my headphones over my ears as a single thought ran through my head.

' _If I get out of this alive, I am never complaining about there being too few gun laws for as long as I live.'_

And with that, I racked the slide of the bartender's shotgun.

Miss Friday had just enough time to heave her wings and fling herself backwards off the bar as I pulled the shotgun's trigger, causing the bar to explode with an all-encompassing _BANG!_

I paused for a second as I waited for the world to stop ringing from the close-proximity detonation before hastily scrambling to my feet and throwing a glare at the vicious bird that had retreated to standing on one of the bar's tables. "Not so fun from the other side, huh?" I demanded hotly as I levelled the barrel at her.

Friday spared a glance at the gun before directing her own glare at me. "Do you even know how to use that?" she rasped viciously.

I glanced down for a moment before shrugging and reaffirming my grip. "Point shooty end at thing you want dead, pull trigger. Seems simple enough to me. Now…" I pumped the gun's slide again. "Smile, you ugly—!" I fired before I finished speaking, eviscerating the tabletop Friday had been standing on. Unfortunately, I missed the bird herself on account of how she leapt to another vantage point.

I repeated the process several times as I followed her across the bar, blasting table after chair after table in an attempt to take out my assailant. Admittedly, the sheer buck on this thing and my own shoulder wound weren't doing my aim any favors, but then again this _was_ a shotgun I was using, and I'm pretty certain that the barrel was a few inches shorter than was strictly regulated, so I had a generous margin of error to work within.

Unfortunately, all too soon a resounding _click!_ heralded the end of my chances to hit within said margin.

Miss Friday promptly froze before whipping her head around and viciously leering at me. Judging by her posture, she was about two seconds away from leaping at me, and the way she was digging her talons into the table she was on told me that she _wasn't_ going to settle for her guns this time.

I froze in terror for a brief moment… before plastering a confident grin on my face as I recalled something that _might_ just give me a chance. I swept a hand beneath the countertop and grabbed ahold of what I was looking for. "You really shouldn't be smiling, ya know!" I called out to the buzzard. "You think you've got me cornered? Newsflash: this is a bar, and the nation is in the middle of a war! And in my experience…" I widened my grin to what I hoped were truly manic levels, which caused Friday to hesitate uncertainly. "Bartenders can get their hands on the most _interesting_ of items."

Before Friday could react, I whipped my arm out from under the bar and flung a small, dark object into the air. "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" I bellowed at the top of my lungs.

Friday promptly squawked in panic and upended the table she was on, diving beneath it. I darted into a corridor leading to the bar's backrooms just as the object bounced off of the tabletop.

I panted furiously as I searched the corridors, looking for somewhere to hide. "Think she'll be mad?"

Soundbite jabbed an eye out of his shell and gave me a befuddled look. "FOR THROWING A GRENADE? _I don't think_ **she'll live long enough!"**

"Huh? Oh, that wasn't a grenade."

" **WHAT!?"** Soundbite yelped, jerking out of his shell in shock _just_ as a screech of impotent avian rage tore through the bar.

I flinched at the unholy noise before grinning in relief as I caught sight of two curtains hanging on opposite sides of the hallway. Hel- _lo,_ bathrooms! "Yeeeaaaah, that was a mug I noticed hanging under the bar. Sounds like she didn't appreciate it!" I chuckled as I ducked behind the curtain on the left, but not before kicking the right one so that it was fluttering slightly as well.

Soundbite's jaw hung open for a moment before he grinned eagerly. " _You are DA BLUFF MASTAH!"_ he quietly giggled.

I nodded as I hid in the stall, flipping the shotgun in my grip and weighing it contemplatively before responding. "Yeah, well, let's see if it'll pay off. Cross your eyestalks…"

A second later, the sound of talons scrabbling on wood sounded out, and Friday's silhouette nosed its way in front of the curtain. Her head turned in our direction, but promptly froze as she no doubt noticed the _other_ curtain moving. As it was, she had a fifty-fifty chance of finding my hiding place, and that was if I'd even decided to hide behind the curtains at all.

I swallowed silently as I held the gun up in anticipation. If it worked, I'd only have one shot at taking Friday down. If it didn't… well, I'd still have that one shot, but it would hinge on me being faster than her bullets, so I wasn't all that confident. In the end, it all hinged on what stall she chose.

Soundbite chose for her. Before I could react, the Baby Transponder Snail suddenly donned a massive grin and jerked forwards, loosing a resounding "ACHOO!"

An 'achoo' that sounded out in the stall we were in, nearly stopping my heart.

However, instead of filling _me_ with lead, Miss Friday instead swung towards the curtains _opposite_ us and let loose with her ammunition until her guns clicked dry. She stood firm for a moment, panting viciously…

CLONK!

Until I, unwilling to look a gift horse in the mouth, jumped onto her back and _smashed_ the butt of the shotgun against the back of her skull, causing her to collapse into a heap of feathers.

"Holy crap…" I panted heavily as I wiped my forearm against my head. "So, that's what they mean when they say 'you bet your life'… " I then shot a dumbfounded look at Soundbite. "But why didn't she—?!"

Soundbite chortled heartily as he stuck his tongue out at Miss Friday. "I TOO AM _DA BLUFF MASTAH!_ **I guessed that** _after Little Garden,_ _ **THESE TWO WOULDN'T**_ **TRUST THEIR EARS** _**around me!**_ TURNS OUT, _**IT WAS THEIR LOSS!**_ "

I blinked at Soundbite in shock for a moment before smiling gratefully as I hefted the shotgun in my grip. Stock was a bit cracked, wouldn't be good as a club again was my guess. "Goddamn… not bad, Soundbite. I should have expected that from you."

Soundbite started to preen… but suddenly cut himself off and glared down the corridor, no doubt towards the bar's back door. " _ **He's here."**_

"Yeah…" I swung my arm back and held the shotgun at the ready. "I _was_ actually expecting that _._ Say when."

Things were tense for a brief moment as we waited…

" _ **NOW!"**_

Until Soundbite's shout rang out, prompting me to swing the shotgun butt forward as hard as I could.

It was at just that moment that Mr. 13 shot out from around the corner of the corridor, bivalve shell separated into its twin shapes, blades extended to slice me open.

Thankfully, Soundbite's timing had been spot on: the shotgun butt caught the aquatic rodent dead in the center of his muzzle, managing to bat him back down the corridor and off the far wall before giving up the ghost and shattering.

Still, judging by the way 13 was growling and shaking his head, he wasn't completely down yet. Hence, I decided to tactically retreat back into the bar-proper, so as to give myself more room to fight. Once I was in the middle of what little remained of the tables, I wheeled around and faced the hall into the back room, eyeing it nervously and palming my baton.

I didn't have to wait long. Within moments, Mr. 13 leapt out of the corridor and landed on the countertop, his face set in a scowl and his blades held out at his sides.

I swallowed heavily before steeling my nerves and flicking my baton out to its full length. "Time to put an end to this, _water-rat,"_ I scowled.

" **LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!"** Soundbite roared.

Mr. 13 bounded into the main area, jumping off the bar and diving for me, shells drawn back to slice up whatever he could reach. Unfortunately for him, he instead ran into my baton, getting a hard smack to the head for his trouble that sent him tumbling to the floor. He skidded to a halt, and paused, seeming to rethink his approach as he re-evaluated me.

As for me, I couldn't help myself. I reached out with my left hand and did the Matrix-style "Come hither" gesture.

Baring his fangs, Mr. 13 bounded for me yet again, and I braced for another jump attack. Instead, though, he pushed off to the side, going to my left. I spun around to keep him in sight, but by the time I'd completed the turn he was already bounding around me again. I quickly gave up the turning as a lost cause as Mr. 13 bounced all over the room: off the bar, the tables, the chairs, the floor. I could barely keep track him.

" **Behind, five o'clock!"**

Thankfully, my 'barely' was Soundbite's 'effortlessly'. With my partner providing sound tracking and 13 unable to maneuver effectively in mid-air, this attack also simply resulted in him eating a baton strike, this time to the body.

"How d'you like that?" I crowed as the otter rolled up against the bar. He didn't reply in favor of getting up and grinning menacingly, before darting for me again. I tensed, waiting for him to do another jump charge or high-speed cut.

Problem is, he didn't do that, instead going for my legs.

"Ow, fuck!" I yelped as I felt the clamshells bounce off of my armored shins. They didn't really cut me, but god _damn_ did the little bastard swing hard! I tried to hit him again with my baton, but he was far too low for that to work. All that earned me was a cut into the backs of my thighs.

Still, painful as it was, sooner or later 13 would put himself in position for me to punt him again.

"Let me know when he's about to go for the front," I muttered to Soundbite.

" **Gotcha** — _Front!_ "

I kicked out my foot—and hit nothing but air as the _thrice-damned fucking otter_ slammed into my groin head-first. The only thing that saved me from getting shredded into eunuch-dom was the fact that I instinctively grabbed at my abused member and fell forward, which trapped the furry bastard under me as I slumped onto the floor, whimpering.

" _CROSS!"_ Soundbite shouted with considerable urgency. I ignored him, too wrapped up in my own agony.

I did _not_ ignore the sharp prick I felt at my waist.

"Oh, no, you don't!" I shouted, flipping onto my back and throwing him off of me. I… might have put in a bit more force than I intended, due to the roaring pain I was still in, and Mr. 13 not only cleared the bar, he went high enough to hit the back shelf.

The second I caught sight of him, my eyes widened as an idea hit me. Here's hoping that this worked!

Moving as fast as I could, I vaulted over the bar and grabbed onto Mr. 13's onesie before he could recover and squirm his way off.

"Word to the wise, jackass," I growled as I pressed him into the woodwork. "Next time you fight someone who's more than triple your bodyweight, don't stay still long enough for them to grab you!" Before 13 could respond in any manner, I broke into a run down the length of the backshelf, dragging the otter through a combination of spilled alcohol, glass shards and the few odd bottles that had managed to survive Friday's onslaught and 13's acrobatics. Once I reached the end of the shelf, I twisted my body and _heaved,_ flinging the otter at the wall—

SLAM!

Which he smacked into and stuck to with all the tenacity of silly putty. He stayed firmly stuck in place for a moment before slowly peeling off the wall and flopping to the ground, where he moaned and shook his head in an effort to clear it of the haze he was no doubt in.

I, however, wasn't about to let that happen, a sentiment I followed through with by digging my free hand into my pocket. This fight was ending here and now, and on _my_ terms.

"Hey, jackass."

13 snapped his head around to glare at me, fangs bared in a snarl.

I kept my expression flat as I flicked the wheel of the lighter I was holding, bringing out a flame. "This message is brought to you by the Straw Hat Pirates, inadvertently funded by Master Chief Petty Officer Tashigi of the Marines."

The otter blinked in confusion for a brief moment before his jaw dropped open in panic, cold sweat running down his face as he recalled the fact that he was _soaked_ in high-proof liquor. He started frantically shaking his head…

A motion I ignored as I split my lips in a scowl. "Don't. _Fuck._ With our _friend's kingdom_."

" _The song of the HOUR IS_ _ **GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!"**_ Soundbite roared at the top of his lungs.

And with that, I tossed the lighter at the assassin.

13 scrambled in an effort to get away, but he didn't get far on account of the selfsame alcohol he was soaked in robbing him of any and all traction. It kept him in place _just_ long enough—

FWOOSH!

" _AAAAAAARGH!"_

For the lighter to bounce off of his forehead and set him ablaze, causing him to howl and flail about in agony. 13 spent a brief moment attempting to wrench his onesie off of his body, but ultimately gave up and instead bolted towards the corridor to the back, thankfully robbed of his senses enough that he didn't think to try and set the rest of the booze in the place on fire.

"Oh, no, you don't!" I snarled, dashing after the pyro-clad pest and following him down the hallway.

When we reached Friday, 13 paid her no mind in favor of leaping right over her and continued his mad escape. I did, however, happen to notice the fact that she was slowly raising her head and shaking it blearily.

"DENIED!" I roared, stomping my feet down on her skull, Goomba-style, using her as an impromptu stepping stone to continue after her partner.

Within moments, 13 and I had reached the rear of the bar, where he rocketed out into the alleyway. From there, he beelined straight for a stray barrel, no doubt forgotten in the madness of the evacuation. The furry bastard ripped the cover clean off, revealing the water held within, before plunging himself into the liquid, submerging himself completely. Bubbles trailed up from the water for a few seconds…

"PWAAAAH!"

Until 13 burst out of the water with a sigh of relief, covered in almost comical scorch marks as he panted gratefully and floated on his back in the water. He allowed himself to relax for a moment, no doubt grateful to be back in his natural element.

"That'll do, pig."

"Hu— _BRBRL!?"_

I made him regret his decision by grabbing his shoulders and plunging him beneath the water, holding his head as far away from oxygen as I could manage.

"That'll do," I snarled darkly.

" _ **DID YOU**_ _even_ SEE THAT _MOVIE?"_ Soundbite asked with a cocked eyebrow.

I shrugged semi-indifferently as I struggled to keep the otter's head under. God _damn_ he was strong for such a little bugger! "Not really, but it's the tone that counts."

" **Good point,"** Soundbite conceded.

My struggle with 13 lasted a few goodly minutes, with the otter pulling every trick and tactic it could think of to try and get out. Unluckily for _it_ for once, his onesie gave me just the kind of handhold I needed to keep him submerged. For a brief moment, I was _seriously_ scared when the otter braced himself against the side of the barrel and started kicking, obviously trying to break it open. Thinking fast, I repositioned my left hand so that it was gripping the back of his neck, while I rammed my right fist into the back of his head a few times, forcing him to release a few more precious bubbles of oxygen.

Still, either way, the wood came _this_ close to breaking, when finally his kicks started losing their strength, becoming weaker and weaker until… nothing.

I allowed myself to sag in relief when the otter went limp in my grip before turning contemplative. I had this little furry bastard right where I wanted him. I could end this, right here, right now, and no one would be any the wiser. Hell, even if someone did know, could they blame me? 13 had tried to kill me! And besides, he was just an otter. It wouldn't be that bad, right?

…right?

…

"Ah, screw it," I growled, heaving 13's head out of the water and shaking him a bit.

The assassin immediately jerked and spluttered, spitting out a hefty amount of water before gasping in relief. He tried to take in another breath—!

 _WHAM-WHAM-WHAM-WHAM-WHAM!_

And I responded by repeatedly bouncing his skull off the edge of the barrel with as much force as I could put into it. By the time I was done, 13 was moaning unintelligibly, his sunglasses cracked and a rather massive steaming lump growing out of the point of impact.

Hey, I might have been merciful, but by no means was I stupid.

I allowed myself to relax slightly—

" **SIX O'—** _ **ARGH!"**_

Until Soundbite suddenly screamed in terror, his warning cutting off just as swiftly as his weight disappeared from my shoulder.

"SOUNDBITE!" I screamed, hastily wheeling around.

Standing there, _again,_ was Miss Friday in all her furious, if disheveled glory. Her feathers were ruffled, her wrinkled skin was showing more than a few bruises, and her goggles were _definitely_ cracked, but apart from that she was fine. Fine enough that she had managed to sneak up on me and snatch Soundbite from my shoulder, save that she wasn't holding him in her talons this time. This time… he was in her beak.

And judging by the evil gleam in her goggles, he wasn't ever coming out if she could help it.

I breathed heavily as I inched my way towards the vulture, my arms spread in what I _really_ hoped was a non-threatening manner. "Alright, alright…" I hissed nervously. "You have Soundbite, you have the advantage, let's not do anything _stupid—"_ I tried to take a step forwards…

"ACK!" Soundbite yelped as Friday's beak suddenly tensed.

"Alright!" I shot my foot back, raising my hands in surrender. "Y-you don't just have the advantage, you have me by the balls! Just-just what do you want, huh? What do you want!?"

Friday cocked her head to the side, feigning thinking about something. Finally, she tilted her beak up into a sneer. "I told you earlier… I want you…"

She suddenly tensed her beak further, causing a resounding _CRACK!_ to echo out, accompanied by an agonized yelp from Soundbite.

"To _suffer."_

And with that, the muscles in her jaw tensed as she prepared to _seriously_ bite down.

" _SOUNDBITE!"_ I shouted, jerking at the avian menace.

Soundbite's response to all this…

" _ **YEEEAAARGH!"**_

Was to scream like I'd never heard him scream before.

The sound tore through me like a shot through the heart.

In Friday's case, the comparison was a _lot_ more literal. Without warning, Friday's beak was suddenly split open by a crack, blood oozing out from between the keratin fragments. And that was far from the end of it, either. Friday's entire _body_ reacted, her every muscle and joint snapping taut as she went rigid, shuddering in what I presumed was agony, her legs buckling beneath her and, unless my eyes deceived me, some of her feathers even falling out. In the process of her flailing, Soundbite was flung away from the buzzard's form, accompanied by a spray of blood.

"SOUNDBITE!" I yelped as I watched him fly away. I took a brief moment to glance at Friday, but if the way she was lying on her back with bloody foam bubbling out of her beak was any indication, I'd say that she was _finally_ down for the count.

Satisfied with my victory, I dashed over to where Soundbite had been thrown. Thankfully, when I found him, it was just as he was poking his head out of a bag of white powder he'd managed to land in; flour, from the texture of it. He was hacking and wheezing up a few lungfuls of the stuff, but apart from a nasty crack in his shell, he seemed unharmed.

"Soundbite! Are you alright!?" I asked desperately as I fished him out of the powder.

Soundbite coughed and wheezed for a second as he tried to shake the stuff off of him, but he nodded nonetheless.

"Oh, thank God…" I sagged in relief. "That was _way_ too close for comfort." I glanced back at Friday contemplatively. "But what the heck was that?" I trailed off as I thought it over. Soundbite had screamed before she'd reacted, louder than I'd ever heard. And earlier today he'd been practicing humming. Humming so low that the very air was vibra—!

"It was you, wasn't it?" I breathed in awe. "That humming thing you were doing, you were looking for a frequency that affects matter! Like-like how just the right noise is supposed to shatter glass, only you made it work on something that _wasn't_ glass! I-If I had to guess, then you must have shattered every bone in Friday's body when you hit her with pure noise, right?"

Soundbite preened and nodded eagerly… before blinking and looking down in confusion.

I dismissed his expression in favor of revelling of the sheer display of badassery I'd just seen. "Soundbite, that's-that's incredible! Innovative, powerful, _useful…_ I can't imagine just how many barriers can be brought down with a simple blast of—!"

I trailed off as an idea struck me before my grin returned with gusto. "I think I just got an idea for a name for this technique. Tell me, how does 'Gastro-Blast' work for you?"

Soundbite's expression immediately became ecstatic, his grin opening up… as he let out a strangled, raspy noise that translated into nothing.

I blinked in confusion. "Uh… Soundbite?"

Soundbite tried to speak again, and let out yet another rasp. He tried again and again, but all that came out was that exact same rusty wheeze.

I felt the blood drain from my face as I realized what the hell was happening, though I _dearly_ hoped that I was wrong. "Soundbite…" I started slowly. "Please tell me that you can say _something!"_

Soundbite wheezed and hacked like a broken squeaky toy, panic evident in his own expression.

I glanced at the sack of flour Soundbite had landed in. It must have gotten in his mouth, in his throat. _Shit,_ even when we managed to beat the Unluckies fair and square, we _still_ suffered for their involvement!

"Soundbite, we still need you to amp Vivi so that she can stop the rebellion!" I hissed. "Please, for the love of _God_ tell me that there's still _something_ you can do!"

Soundbite wheezed frantically for a moment longer before giving me an apologetic look and shaking his head.

I hung my head with a tortured groan. "Yeah, that just figures, doesn't it? Ergh…"

I snapped my head up to the sky again. "You're enjoying this, aren't you? Let me repeat myself: if I live through this, I had better have some damn good form of compensation coming my way, BECAUSE YOU FUCKING OWE ME!"

I spared the troll that brought me here and was no doubt laughing at me right now no more thought as I took off running; with Soundbite muted, the war wasn't going to stop until the rain started falling…

"Soundbite, which way is the square?"

The snail shot me an incredulous look.

"If we can't amp Vivi, then this rebellion isn't going to stop until the sky spills over, and that's going to be after a lot of Vivi's people die. If we can't stop this, then we can at least cut down on the casualties. Now, which way is it?"

Soundbite grimaced, apparently at his own inability to talk, and indicated a direction with his eyestalks. I took off running the next second, trying to fight my way past the pain I felt in my legs. I grit my teeth as I remembered Nami's fight with Doublefinger.

"This pain…it's nothing compared to what she's going through," I muttered to myself, forcing my way through the streets. After a few minutes, I turned into an alleyway where I saw a welcome sight.

"Nami!"

The navigator turned to look at me, but her next reaction wasn't what I was expecting: her face morphed into a scowl, and she shifted her Clima-Tact in her hands, ready to attack.

"Wh—it's me, Nami!" I said, throwing up my hands in surrender.

"Who's the second greatest traveler in the world?" she asked flatly.

"Hu—oh, right! That would be Pandaman, ranking right below Gol D. Roger!" I promptly replied.

"Wrong answer! Pandaman doesn't exist," she growled, jabbing the point of her staff at me.

" _That's a lie!_ Pandaman is real, just like the great Goda!" I shot back.

Nami's posture relaxed. Her face didn't.

"Cross, what the hell happened to the plan of stopping the rebel army before they even got here?" she snapped.

I snarled in response as I gestured at my bandaged shoulder. "A homicidal otter with dual shell-blades and a vulture armed with high-caliber machineguns stole my talking snail and then tried to kill me when I jumped off a building to catch up to them!" I let that statement mull over for a brief moment before my expression fell slack. "What the _hell_ has my life become?"

Nami sighed in turn as she shook her head. "Madness and insanity, Cross, madness and insanity…" She then smiled lightly as she squeezed my uninjured shoulder. "Still, at least you managed to get out of there alright."

"For a certain definition of 'alright,' anyway," I replied darkly. Shaking that off for the moment, I noticed that Nami was in a lot better shape than I expected. She had a few scratches and minor puncture marks here and there, yeah, but at least she didn't have a hole punched into her leg, so that was definitely something. "Looks like you managed to make out like a bandit, too, huh?"

Nami snickered in agreement and jabbed her Clima-Tact in the ground before flashing a V-sign. "Ee-yup! Assassin that bitch might have been, but she sure as hell couldn't hit someone she couldn't see! I just kept sneaking around and turning her into a lightning rod until all she could do was twitch!" She then shuddered and slapped her hand to a bruise that was starting to develop on her midsection. "Granted, she _did_ manage to zero in on me a few times and give me a hell of a lariat, with those freaky arms of hers, but yeah, turns out that using a lightning-barrage is a really good tactic."

"Yeah, just as long as you're not fighting someone who ate a Devil Fruit that makes them immune to lightning," I chuckled.

There was a pregnant pause as Nami digested that. "…Are we going to be fighting someone like that?" she asked.

I gave her a flat look, as did Soundbite. She blinked in confusion, and then facepalmed as it hit her.

"Right, stupid question," she groaned.

"Seriously, you're supposed to be the _smart_ one," I continued, before pausing and tacking on a qualification. "At least, until there's a lot of money involved."

 _CLONK!_

"Okay, I admit, I earned that one," I moaned as I massaged the goose egg now sprouting from my head. Soundbite concurred by shaking with silent laughter.

Nami opened her mouth to say something… before pausing as she realized something and cast a half-flat-half-panicked look at the snail. "Cross…" she started slowly. "Why isn't the big-mouthed snail laughing his little ugly ass off like he always does whenever I hit you?"

Soundbite and I froze with dual-stricken expressions before I grinned sheepishly. "Ah… he lost his voice when we beat the Unlucki—ERK!"

"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME OUR ACE IN THE HOLE IS _USELESS_ NOW!?" Nami howled as she tried to wring my neck.

"Uncle… _Uncle…!_ " I managed to wheeze out.

"Tsk… at least some things stay the same in this crazy world."

Nami and I looked at the source of the strained yet familiar voice and promptly recoiled in horror. The person before us _looked_ like Zoro… if the swordsman had been put through an industrial-sized meat grinder.

"Holy shit, man, how the hell are you _alive!?"_ I demanded, rushing over to him and supporting one of his arms. "I swear to God, I've seen shredded beef brisket less cut up than you! Nami, come and give me some help, damn it!"

"Eh… you're sure he doesn't have any bloodborne diseases, right?"

"JUST HURRY UP AND PUT IT ON HIS TAB, WOMAN!"

"Alright, alright…" Nami grumbled as she joined me.

Zoro shot a halfhearted glare in my direction. "Hey, I don't need your—!"

"If these wounds don't lay you out, then I can guarantee you that Chopper will," I shot back flatly. "Do you want him to break out the good drugs again, hmm? _Do you?"_

Zoro promptly adopted a panicked expression and shuddered heavily. "So many colors and I couldn't hit any of them… Alright already, just hurry up and get me patched up."

"Heh," I chuckled as Nami and I helped haul Zoro out of the alleyway. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

 **-o-**

The rest of the crew was waiting for us at the palace walls, and it was clear that they had had varying levels of success in their fights. Usopp was only about 70% covered in bandages rather than 100%, Chopper looked a bit better, Sanji was only somewhat banged up, and Vivi had a few bullet holes in her clothes, but nothing serious. Alongside them were Chaka, Pell, Luffy… and oddly enough, Kohza. Luffy waved off my apologies for not telling him about Crocodile's weakness, saying that he knew it now, before he went back to the palace lawn for his rematch. Once he rocketed off, I forestalled the crew asking if he'd win this time by asking what Kohza was doing there, leaving him and Pell to explain.

From what they said, Vivi's absence from the palace when Crocodile arrived and started interrogating Cobra hadn't changed much in the grand scheme of things. Cobra had stayed tight-lipped up until the point where Kohza showed up at the palace. Crocodile, smug bastard that he was, had informed Kohza of the truth, and then Miss All Sunday prepared to silence him. Cobra spoke out against that, and proposed to lead Robin to the Poneglyph if she released Kohza. As soon as they left, Crocodile elected to gloat at Kohza for a while before killing him anyway by dropping him off the balcony, only for Luffy and Pell to show up at just the right moment to catch him. As their explanation finished, Vivi took the opportunity to ask Soundbite to amplify her, and Chaka and Pell promptly had to hold her back from strangling us when I told her that he had lost his voice.

"So, what are we supposed to do now?" Kohza asked as the two finished pulling her away.

"Vivi, you managed to take out the Mr. 7 team, right?" I quickly confirmed.

"I—yes, the Kicking Claw Force is guarding the bomb now," Vivi nodded in confirmation, visibly calming herself before turning to her family's keepers. "Pell, do you think that you can fly it out of range of the city and still be safe?"

"Of course, Princess Vivi, I'm more than capable of it!" Pell answered with a bow before wincing painfully. "Admittedly, I might still be sore from that Sunday woman—!"

Vivi shot a cold glare at me, which forced me to look away uncomfortably.

"But so long as I take it straight up and dive a few seconds before it goes off, then yes, I should be fine. I'll take care of it at once, unless there's anything else you need?"

Vivi glanced at me and I shrugged uneasily. "Hell if I know, things are already completely nuts as is."

She eventually just sighed and waved Pell on. "Then fine, go. Actually, as a matter of fact, I'll go with you," Vivi decided as she stepped up to him. "The clocktower will give me a good vantage point I can use to try and catch everyone's attention."

"Alright," Nami nodded in agreement. "Meanwhile, we'll try and stop this madness as best as we can from here on the ground. Any ideas how?"

"No public speeches, for one," I grumbled, casting a glance at Kohza. "Tell your most trusted officers and stop the fighting piece by piece, but if you put yourself out in the open and do it all at once, you're just going to get shot by a plant… or a lone radical, for that matter."

"But we've already purged the Royal Army; wouldn't it raise suspicion if one of them fired—?"

"How hard is it to change uniforms?" Sanji asked quietly.

That brought everyone up short.

"And besides that, in this madness," I gestured at the war going on a few dozen scant feet from us, kept where it was only by some Rebels and Royals noticing their respective leaders and trying to keep them safe, mostly by gritting their teeth and shooting at the two armies rather than each other, "it wouldn't matter either way. One shot, Kohza goes down and everything flares back up again. No, we can't stop this fighting on our own. The best we can do is try and slow this all down and hold out until Luffy beats Crocodile, then everything will come to an end."

" _T-try_ —"

Everyone glanced at Soundbite, the whisper just loud enough for us to hear it. He went back to wheezing again after saying it, but the message was clear.

"So, we're buying time and keeping the body count to a minimum until Luffy beats Crocodile, and if Soundbite manages to get his voice back in the meantime, so much the better for us," Nami concluded.

I nodded in agreement before clapping my hands firmly. "We all know what to do. Let's get to it."

Vivi swallowed and nodded grimly in response, climbing onto Pell's back once he transformed. "Good luck to you all."

"You too!"

And with that, she was off and we all dove into the fray.

Protip: fighting against a mass of people like that? It sucks. It sucks a _lot._ It wasn't just blades and bullets we had to look out for in the pandemonium, it was limbs, heads, flying boots, rocks…you name it, it probably nearly beaned me half a dozen times over the course of the melee. And it wasn't just my ass I had to look after, it was everyone else's as well. I had to keep a Rebel from slashing Usopp from behind, smash in the face of a Baroque Works plant that tried to take a shot at Chopper, and I am _fairly_ certain that Royal Guard who tried to grab Nami didn't have that limp when the war started.

That said, I did let that one Royal soldier slam into Zoro's chest. After all the shit he'd been putting me through, it felt _nice_ to laugh at least a little bit.

Still, for all the times that I had to watch my friend's backs, they had mine just as much. If it weren't for the half-formed lightning Nami seemed to make out of thin air, I'd have gotten shot in the head. If it weren't for Sanji kneecapping a Rebel I'd missed, I'd have literally lost my head. Hell, if it weren't for Soundbite nearly taking a chunk out of my neck with his teeth, a cannonball that someone had been stupid enough to fire off would have gone clean through my torso.

Though I'm fairly certain that Zoro let that bastard with the club nearly break my nose before he stopped him, which, in my opinion, was just uncalled for.

And the worst of it all was… that it was practically unending. Minutes, hours... you could have told me that it went on for days, and I wouldn't have known the difference. All I could focus on was staying standing. Throw a kick at the misguided rebel, swing the baton at the plant in the Royal outfit, backhand the guy trying to sneak up on me, dodge out of the way of the lightning bolt ( _really_ needed to help Nami figure out a way to control that), brain left, brain right, crotch shot center. It was _exhausting,_ and the fact that I couldn't stop remembering what the cause of all this was kept my adrenaline from giving me any reprieve _._

But every time I was about to collapse from exhaustion, every time I was about to give up and collapse and let someone else take up the slack… All I had to do was listen. I just had to strain my hearing and listen.

 _ZSSSSHHHHH!_

That wasn't what I was listening for, that was Nami frying a group of unruly Royals - and a few Rebels we'd managed to get on our side _ah, damn it!_

Ergh, that made our job a bit harder, but no, no, what I was listening for was… her voice. Vivi's voice. Even with her newfound confidence and sense of authority, she couldn't help but speak up. Although… she wasn't really speaking at all. Rather she was… screaming. _Pleading_ as loud as she possibly could for everyone, Royals she was trying to make listen and Rebels who _wouldn't,_ to just. Stop. Fighting.

She was trying, trying so _hard…_ and so long as she was trying, that meant that I had absolutely no right to stop, even for a _moment._

Still, thankfully enough a reprieve _did_ come eventually, in the form of what was all but an act of _God._ The sky lit up, the sheer sound seemed to make the air shatter. I couldn't even begin to contemplate where the hell Crocodile could have gotten a bomb like that. Worst case scenario, Joker had provided it to him, which meant that _Doflamingo_ had the capability to level a city tucked in his back pocket and available to the highest bidder.

Still, for all that the bomb was horrific in its power, at least it gave us something of a reprieve due to everyone pausing to look up at the sky. I took advantage of the lull by tackling a stunned BW plant who'd been about to mess with a stock of gunpowder in a way that I assumed _wouldn't_ help anyone present.

Sadly, as swiftly as the pause started, it ended, with a roar from _every_ soldier present. And unlike before… this one was just so much more worse. I had a sneaking suspicion that each soldier was blaming the other side for the bomb, which made their reaction rather understandable.

Still, understandable though it was, it was just… flat out terrifying. The sheer hatred, the _bloodlust…_ they weren't fighting for their causes anymore, half of this was out of a triggered primal need to fight just for fighting's sake.

The _only_ good part of it was that in the midst of it all, I managed to catch sight of something big, white and feathery diving into the madness just as it restarted. And I couldn't help but notice the crowd leave a fairly sizable empty space around him.

By this point, the only reason exhaustion hadn't led to us all getting overrun was that the dueling armies were just as tired. My dodges were drunken and the counterattacks sluggish, but my opponents were in equally bad shape. At this rate, the fight might have actually ended with everyone dying from exhaustion rather than by steel and black powder.

Thankfully, however, that wasn't how it ended.

The way it ended… was with the sound of strings.

It brought me up short for a second, but there it was: violins and cellos, clear as the day itself, ringing out loud and proud over the sound of warfare. And just as soon as the strings started up, they were joined by other instruments as well: trumpets ringing out like clarions, drums pounding hard enough to shake our very cores. A full orchestra, blaring out triumphantly against the ravages of this war.

I strained my ears as I listened to the music, trying to place it, because it sounded _so_ familiar. And the second I did…

"Pfff… _PFHAHAHAHAHA!"_

I fell to my knees and laughed. I laughed and laughed and laughed, letting so much joy and relief roll out of me.

Nami, dumbfounded by both the music and my reaction alike, paused and glanced over at me in shock. "Cross, do you know what's going on? Do you know what that music is?"

"PFHAHAHA!" I roared happily. "Oh, I know what this music is, alright, I know!" At that moment, the ground beneath us started to tremble and lurch, shaking us all to our very cores.

"What the—?" Nami started, looking down at her feet, but I kept going.

"THIS IS THE MUSICAL MASTERPIECE KNOWN AS DVORAK'S NINTH SYMPHONY, PLAYED IN E MINOR, 'FROM THE NEW WORLD!'" I laughed. "AND IF IT'S PLAYING, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, THEN THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING, AND ONE! THING! ONLY!"

I forced myself to my feet, and pointed in the distance, where several buildings were beginning to tilt due to the bulging and distended earth.

"IT MEANS THAT THIS IS ALL OVER! IT MEANS THAT THIS _WAR_ IS OVER! IT MEANS THAT _WE! HAVE! WON!"_

Nami followed my gaze and gasped in shock. "You… you mean—?" she asked, hope tinging her voice.

The music crescendoed, the earth erupted… and Crocodile, sandy cold-blooded bastard that he was, was sent _flying._

"HE WON!" I whooped, flinging my arms up in victory. Tears streamed from the corners of my eyes as I laughed in relief, watching as soldier after soldier stopped fighting to gape in awe. "LUFFY BEAT CROCODILE! _HE WON!"_

The crew promptly joined me in celebrating, and I watched with no small amount of relief as the soldiers paused to listen to the beautiful noise of the music filling the air.

Beautiful… noise…

"YOUR VOICE IS BACK!" I howled, pointing at Soundbite, who jumped in shock and caused the music to cut off with a record scratch.

" **I-I** _didn't notice!"_ Soundbite yelped, his voice still slightly raspy. " _ **I-I WAS listening to**_ LUFFY FIGHT AND _and it felt right!"_

"Oh, that's alright, then," I nodded cordially. "We all make mistakes, and this _was_ a very stressful— _GYRGH!"_

"AMP VIVI, NOW!" Nami shrieked as she grabbed my throat.

"R-RIGHT!" I choked out before jabbing my finger at the clocktower. "AM— _GASTRO-_ AMP, MAX VOLUME! _AND GIVE IT DIRECTIONALITY, NO VOICE OF GOD!"_

" _ **ROGER ROGER!"**_ Soundbite nodded in agreement, focusing intently on the clocktower.

A moment later, Vivi's voice rang out as clear as a bell. While it lacked the direction of the voice of God, at _least_ it matched the sheer intensity and volume.

After that, well… the rest, as it is often said, was history.

It had been a long and hard road, filled with pain and suffering aplenty, but at long last, the core of the Alabasta Saga was said and done.

All that was left for us was to move onto the epilogue, and from there… to simply move on.


	23. Chapter 22 - Alabasta Pt 8

**Chapter 22**

 **Xomniac AN: Shout Out straight back to DuncanIdaho2014's** **New Game Plus** **, by far the absolute best Peggy Sue fic that I have read, if not the absolute best One Piece fic period! Seriously, great characters, great premises, great headcanons… far too frequently do One Piece fics flop face-first in a fabulous fashion, and that goes doubly for Peggy Sue Anime/Manga fics. DuncanIdaho manages to defy this trend with gusto, writing a story that not only restored my faith in the Peggy Sue genre, but in One Piece fanfiction as a whole. You're a real inspiration Duncan, and I await the next chapter of** **New Game Plus** **with bated breath!**

 **As you're about to see, I'm not the only one grateful for your writings!**

 **And with that outta the way, let's get onto the show and** _ **off**_ **of these rails!**

 **Footnote—All of the above was written several days ago, when I began writing this chapter. This is written the day I post this chapter: You. Rat. Bastard. I pay you these compliments, I sing your praises, and you repay me with a work of sheer genius that completely and** _ **utterly**_ **undermines this chapter, overshadowing it completely and utterly!? My contemporary coup de gr** **â** **ce?! Tsk! I spit upon thy genius as much as I adore every moment of it!**

 **For the record, you got** _ **lucky!**_ **I blame the educational system, if my workload hadn't distracted me last night, I might have updated before you!**

 **Hmph… for now, I take solace in the fact that my story is nearly twice as long as yours and that this chapter is almost** _ **thrice**_ **as long as well, but from this moment forth? I declare you my rival!**

 **This feud begins here and now!** _ **En garde, knave!**_

 **-o-**

Three days after the rebellion had ended and Crocodile had been brought low, Alubarna was well on its way to restoration. Well… moderately so, at any rate. The rain that had poured all through the first day and into the middle of the second night had made rebuilding a _tad_ difficult, but if the citizens of Alabasta were anything, it was stubbornly resilient. They simply rolled up their sleeves and worked day and night, through the rain, wind, and mud, and when the weather finally abated and let the piercing sun I'd become so used to shine down on the city, the people's work ethic only seemed to _triple._

Granted, there were still scars present across the city, still too many lives lost, but in the end, that was inevitable. That didn't stop Soundbite from cringing whenever the topic came up, considering how much of a difference he could have made. The still-healing crack in his shell certainly didn't help matters, either; for the first time since I met the Baby Transponder Snail, he seemed to be sulking.

But still, progress was progress. Whenever we weren't staying in the royal palace watching over Luffy (if his snores were bad now, I _dreaded_ to think what they'd be like when he learned how to sleep-eat), the crew and I could usually be found out and about in the streets of Alubarna, lending whatever aid we could manage. A beam lifted here, rubble cleared there, every bit helped. Well, so long as it wasn't too strenuous. Chopper habitually got on Zoro's case about his daily training as it was, and I had no desire to get between those two.

Speaking of the young doctor, he'd been acting… odd since our victory. Not in a necessarily bad way, mind, just… out of the ordinary. Whenever Chopper wasn't working on whatever new concoction or medical creation he'd come up with, or checking on Zoro's shredded torso or Luffy's water-levels, he was spending every waking and what should have been sleeping moment he could get in the palace's library, poring over medical textbook after medical textbook and evading every question we made about it. It was… slightly concerning, to be sure, but he seemed to be keeping himself healthy, so I couldn't really complain. The best we could do was wish him luck with whatever he was looking into.

" _If life seems jolly rotten/There's something you've forgotten!_ "

I was jolted out of my reverie by Soundbite suddenly boosting the volume of the jaunty melody he'd been singing to himself, allowing me to recognize the exact tune and tempo.

"'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life', huh?" I asked with a grin. "What happened to all that undeserved gloom and doom, huh?"

Soundbite grinned sunnily as he kept the whistling refrain up and running. "NOT A CLUE! _All I know_ _ **is that**_ **all of a sudden, I FEEL HAPPY!** _ **LIKE SOME GREAT GOOD**_ _has been done for_ TRANSPONDER-SNAIL-KIND! _Some great wrong has been_ RIGHTED, **something has been done** _THAT WILL BE RECOGNIZED FOR_ _ **GENERATIONS TO COME**_ , **I can feel it in my shell!** _**Makes me wanna**_ **SING!** "

I blinked in surprise at that before shrugging off the oddity of the statement in favor of a smile of my own; whatever it was he was feeling, it was far from the strangest phenomenon we'd seen on the Grand Line, and quite honestly, I wasn't willing to look the gift horse in the mouth. So, instead of complaining, I just let the good mood infect me. "Fair enough! Sing on, my gastropod companion!"

"Hey, shake a leg, Cross!"

"That's your job, Sanji!" I shot back, but complied nonetheless, hoisting the bags I was carrying in my arms. Currently, Soundbite and I were accompanying Sanji and Usopp on the final grocery run of our stay. We'd elected to pick up as many supplies as we could in anticipation of our departure later tonight, and it was always nice and inspiring to take a walk down main street.

Usopp shot a half-grin, half-smirk at Soundbite as we caught up. "Well, well, you're pretty peppy! Finally decided whether or not you're going to do us all the favor of jumping into Sanji's cookpot?"

"SCREW- _SCREW_ - **SCREW** _ **-SCREW YOOOOU~!**_ " Soundbite auto-harmonized, never losing the cheer present in his voice.

"Well, of course he's happy, Usopp!" Sanji grinned joyously around his cigarette. "Everyone's happy today, and why shouldn't they be? Their _beautiful_ Princess has returned to them! Truly, they have a worthy reason to rejoice!"

I grinned eagerly at Sanji's ministrations before starting to count down. "And three, two, one…"

"Huh?" Sanji blinked back at me. "Cross, what are you—?"

"HOLY MOTHER OF—!? LOOK AT MY HOUSE! THESE HOLES GO CLEAN THROUGH ALMOST A FULL BLOCK! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY KICKED THE WALLS DOWN!"

"There it is!"

Sanji promptly blushed up a storm and made a swift 90-degree turn, muttering something about wanting to check out a stall that was _this way and not at all that way._

Usopp glanced between the holes and Sanji for a moment before grinning impishly. "Those holes were left by Sanji stomping Mr. 2, weren't they?"

I matched Usopp's grin tooth for tooth. "Ooooh no no no, nothing that justified. He kicked 2 through _one_ wall. _Those_ holes lead straight from one of the city's outer roads to the central square." I raised my nose in a haughty sniff. "And to think that he has the _gall_ to insult Zoro for getting lost!"

" **HA!** " Soundbite barked jubilantly, a motion that Usopp mirrored.

"Ah, isn't it just _hilarious_ to see people make hypocrites of themselves?" I chortled.

"MY BAR! MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL BAR!"

My back went ramrod straight as an agonized voice tore its way out from around a corner. I chanced a glance at Soundbite, and judging by his stricken expression I guessed that he had come to the same conclusion as me.

"What do you say we hurry up and get on back to the palace, okay? Okay!" I hastily decided, my voice an octave too high as I tried to speed walk away.

"Huh?" Usopp blinked in confusion as he turned his head towards the voice. "Why? Don't we still need—?"

"NOT THAT BAD!? IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING HURRICANE BLEW THROUGH! MOST OF MY LIQUID STOCK IS SOAKING INTO THE FLOOR, THE FURNITURE'S BEEN EVISCERATED, MY SHOTGUN IS IN PIECES— _YES, I HAD A FUCKING PERMIT FOR IT!—_ AND ON TOP OF IT ALL, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE TRIED TO START A FUCKING _CAMPFIRE!_ I SWEAR, IF I EVER GET MY HANDS ON THE BASTARDS WHO DID THIS—!"

I tuned out the rest of what the bartender bellowed, and Sanji snickered as he put the pieces together.

"Say, Usopp, isn't it just _hilarious_ when hypocrites are called out on their shit?" Sanji innocently asked the sniper.

"Ooooh, yeah, Sanji, it's just—!"

"—decades worth of history and culture, wasted! And for what purpose, even!? The Ala'Adulah District lies _outside_ of the city! There should have been no reason for anyone to fight there, much less for anyone to employ high-powered explosives! And what were they even doing with all that excavating equipment in a _fight?!_ " complained a passing elderly gentlemen.

Usopp turned his nose up with a haughty sniff when Sanji and I turned our glares on him. "Ha! Joke's on you, those Baroque Works jackasses did all the damage, so there!"

"Perhaps the oddest part of it all was the way some of the walls looked like they were blown open, but I simply can't understand it. Where could they have gotten a bull in the middle of a siege?" the elderly man's companion complained.

Usopp faltered uncomfortably as cold sweat started running down his face. "Uhhh… H-hey, is it just me or is that merchant selling copper?" he tried to deflect.

"Cross?" Sanji asked frigidly.

"Half were caused by him, half _were_ him," I drawled at an equally cool temperature.

Usopp glanced between us frantically for a moment before plastering a nervous smile on his face. "C-call it even and never mention it again?"

Sanji and I glanced at one another before shrugging.

"Fine."

"Works for me."

"GIVE ME THE **caramel** _peanuts and cracker jack_ **NOW** _,_ _ **or I BLAB**_ **TO THE WHOLE STREET!** _AND VIVI._ **Remember what she did** _ **LAST TIME?"**_

I winced and whipped my hand to my nose self-consciously as a stab of phantom pain shot through it. "Deal," I promptly folded, digging the snack out of the bag and tossing it up to Soundbite, letting him rip his way through the paper wrapping with his teeth.

"Blackmailed by a snail. What has this world come to?" Sanji sighed, puffing out a cloud of smoke.

" _Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer 'extortion'. The 'X' makes it sound cool,"_ Soundbite drawled as he continued chewing.

"I'm gonna take my luck and tell you to _bite me,_ " I shot back.

" **OKAY!"** _CHOMP!_

"YEOWCH!"

"You _did_ ask for it."

"Same goes to you, long-nose!"

And so it went as we finished up our rounds of the market, eventually making our way back to the steps of the Royal Palace. Pell and Chaka were standing guard about halfway up the stairs, attending to the reception of a… welcoming party, so to speak. God bless the Marine Corps, it took dedication to be such persistent pains in our asses.

"For the last time, there are no pirates inside the palace," Chaka growled firmly.

"We kindly ask that you vacate the premises," Pell concurred in a more even tone of voice. His demeanor promptly froze over as he grabbed the hilt of his blade. "You would do well to leave before we ask you _less_ kindly."

"I don't think you understand just how severe this situation is!" the Marine leading the party shot back with as authority as he could muster, no doubt hampered by the fact that he was facing down two royal Zoan-bodyguards. "Royal authority or not, the World Government will _not_ ignore you harboring wanted pirates!"

"Then it's a good thing we don't know any pirates, isn't it?" Chaka shot back without hesitation.

"Hey Lord Chaka, Lord Pell," Sanji waved politely as we passed by the two.

"Welcome back," Pell smiled and waved back while Chaka maintained his glare o'death on the Marines. "Did you find everything you required?"

"Most of it," Usopp shrugged as he hefted the bags he was carrying. "We got… uh… waylaid, so to speak… but it's fine, it's fine, we can make do."

"Well, feel free to ask if you need anything, we'd be happy to send someone out to get it."

"Thank you, sir, you're too kind!" I smiled gratefully.

"Now, wait just a moment, you!" one of the Marines growled, snapping his hand to the hilt of his sword as he glared at me.

I made a show of turning around and smiling innocently at the Marine. "Good afternoon, officer!"

"' _Ello, guvnah!"_ Soundbite concurred.

The squadron promptly tensed up as they snapped their focus to me. I think I could see a glimmer of recognition in some of their eyes. "One of the pirates we're looking for has been reported as having a Baby Transponder Snail with him capable of talking on its own," the lead Marine stated, staring pointedly at the Baby Transponder Snail on my shoulder.

I made a show of looking at Soundbite in confusion before blinking in realization. "Ooooh! Okay, I see your confusion! No, see, Polly here can't _really_ talk, I've just trained him to act like he can! I'm a ventriloquist, you see!"

" _Polly want a cracker, Polly want a cracker, SQUAWK!"_ Soundbite promptly provided, albeit with a sidelong glare.

"Do you really think that we believe that!?" the Marine demanded.

"Well, I don't know what you think about me," I gestured at myself before cupping my mouth with one hand and jabbing my other thumb at Soundbite. "Buuut I'd take whatever he says with a grain of salt."

" _S.O.S., L.A.P.I.S. ALERT, KIDNAPPER!"_ Soundbite suddenly howled, jerking his head at me frantically. " _Oi'm not 'ere o' me own free will!"_

The Marine twitched furiously, but before he could say anything Pell interrupted him by laughing and clapping. "Bravo, sir, bravo! I'm certain that Princess Vivi will love your performance! I look forward to seeing you at dinner later tonight!"

"And I you, sir!" I saluted him promptly before turning up the stairs. "Well, we'd best be going! See you!"

"Hey, wait a—!"

"Officer, let me ask you… do you _really_ want to press this issue?"

"Ahhh…"

I waited until we'd put a dozen or two stairs between us and the Marines before glancing at Soundbite. "Lapis?" I queried.

"Lost/Abducted Person: Initiate Search," Usopp explained.

" _Local version_ **of A.M.B.E.R.** " Soundbite concurred.

"Huh. Learn something new every day."

"So, Cross, about how long do we have until Luffy wakes up?" Usopp asked. "Between Soundbite's sulking and his sleeping, it's been almost too quiet around here."

" _ **OH, YOU LIKE IT LOUD, LONG NOSE?"**_

"GAH!" Usopp yelped, almost dropping a bag as he clapped a hand to his head. "RIGHT IN MY EARS!"

I frowned as I thought about it, and then chuckled.

"If my memory serves me correctly, he should be waking up any minute now… and it's a very good thing that we're about to serve him a royal feast. After all, he missed fifteen meals."

Usopp and Sanji both shot confused looks at me.

"Uh, Cross…?"

"You heard me right."

It wasn't long before we arrived back at the room, and true to my expectations, Luffy was wide awake and announcing the fact to anyone with eardrums. Chopper tore himself away from whatever his studies included to give Luffy a genuinely happy greeting, only to turn away as soon as Zoro came back in from his training, fussing over him removing his bandages too soon. Again. I had to wonder what I had done to change things so much that Zoro actually seemed afraid when Chopper started ranting at him, but with my luck, I was sure I'd find out the hard way.

Everyone found themselves distracted, however, when Igaram's wife Terracotta came in with a food cart. I would have been laughing at my crewmates' reactions, I really would have… but it was just too freaking surreal to see in person. People and dogs, I could accept. Heck, even the wife/husband thing was fine at times, sure, but _this!?_ No offense to either of them, but this was just unnatural; Igaram taking a shot of Ivankov's hormones couldn't produce a more identical woman, and vice versa!

Soundbite seemed less affected, but he wasn't making any noise; he seemed caught halfway between the urge to laugh and recoil, with the end result that he just stared with a slightly open mouth. I did manage to tear my gaze away in time to see Luffy devour the entirety of the food cart in less than a second… which I still couldn't wrap my mind around. Terracotta took Luffy's pledge to eat three days' worth of food as a challenge before bustling off to the kitchen. A few seconds passed before Soundbite spoke up.

"YOU KNOW, _seeing_ **things like that** _ **makes me wish my**_ **POWERS** _focused more on sight than sound._ **THAT WAY, I COULD** _ **see**_ _HOW THE HECK_ LUFFY _does that,_ " he monotoned.

"I've sort of wished the same thing a few times now. Unfortunately, the only sight-based Devil Fruit I know of is in the hands of someone who desperately needs it and isn't likely to die anytime within the next few decades," I replied before cupping my chin in thought. "Hmm… though I do know of another Devil Fruit that could help, and we'll find that user relatively soon…" I contemplated it for a second longer before shaking my head firmly. "No, no, that way lies bloodthirsty thoughts. Though it wouldn't be too hard to coerce him into a demonstration." I cast an uneasy look up at Luffy. "Still wouldn't answer one question, though."

" _ **What?**_ "

I looked pointedly at the empty space next to Luffy's bed. "The food I can understand, but how the _hell_ does he pass the metal?"

 _CRASH!_

All eyes turned to Chopper, who was looking between Luffy and myself with a hungry expression, his equipment having fallen from his hooves.

I stared at him nervously for a moment before glancing at the table he'd been working on, eyeing the empty coffee mug. "Chopper, how long have you been awake, how much coffee have you had, have you been dosing it with any 'study aids' you happened to develop over the years, and if so, do they happen to have any side effects?"

"Twenty-six hours, fifteen cups, yes, maybe?" Chopper's smile twitched slightly as he swayed on his hooves. "Doctorine never let me take anything I made twice, so I never got the chance to look into them."

I could _feel_ the sweatdrop hanging off my skull. "Um… scary though she is, I've never seen a better doctor; don't you think there _might_ have been a reason for her to do that?"

"Weeeeell…" Chopper slowly tilted his head to the side contemplatively. "My research notes and experiment logs always did seem to double or triple in length after the first test, and a lot of the things that were in there were totally untested and most likely highly dangerous, but I don't see how—" Chopper's body seemed to sag under its own weight as realization swept over him. "I've been research-binging in a somnabulescent state, haven't I?"

"Uhh…?" most of the crew's heads tilted in confusion.

"He's been halfway sleep-walking while doing science experiments," Vivi groaned in response.

"That… doesn't sound so bad?" Nami posed hesitantly.

"Oh, so you're volunteering to be his 'research assistant' when he tries to do Doctor Frankenstein proud?" I snarked.

Nami's eyes shot wide in shock before she plastered a calm, if shaky, grin on her face. "Let's not mention this again, shall we?"

"Fine by— _aaaaaah—_ me…" Chopper yawned suddenly. "I think I'm already crashing… I'm gonna go get a nap before dinner. G'night…" And with that, he started shuffling his way towards one of the room's beds.

"What the heck are you even working on, anyway?" Usopp asked curiously.

Like every other time we'd asked him, Chopper waved him off with a grumble. "Theories and hypotheses and stuff, that's it. I'll tell you when I've got something concrete…" And with that, the Zoan-user flopped face-first into a pillow. Seconds later, he was snoring away.

"Before you ask," I spoke up before anyone could say anything as I flipped Chopper over, getting his nose out of the pillow. "No, this is _not_ normal, and no, I don't have any idea what the heck is going on. The only common factor in all this is me."

"So, basically, it's your fault?" Luffy asked, ignoring the dual slaps to the back of his head that Nami and Zoro delivered. "And anyways, what's wrong with how Chopper is? I think that having a mad scientist doctor reindeer would be really cool!"

"You think that having someone as crazy as Kureha—who, might I remind you, chased you around Drum Castle throwing a royal armory of weapons at you—on the Merry, living with you and treating you every time you got out of a big fight, would be cool?" Vivi incredulously demanded. She paused as she processed what she'd said before slapping her hand to her face with a groan. "I think I just answered my own question."

A mixture of groans and laughter filled the room before Luffy got back to the matter at hand.

"Well, whatever. Now it's time for the banquet! FOOOOOOOD!"

Exactly one second later, Luffy was gone, the doors were almost thrown off their hinges, and I swear I saw an afterimage sitting on the bed in his place. I blinked before shaking my head. "Does that idiot even realize that Terracotta still needs time to actually _cook_ that much food?"

Sanji's audible sigh was all the answer I needed.

"I'll try to cut down on the damage he does," Vivi said tiredly, to which both Nami and Sanji volunteered to help. After a second, Usopp agreed as well, fishing around for some of his Tabasco Stars in his bag. Zoro, unsurprisingly, decided to stay where he was, supposedly meditating… right next to where Chopper was sleeping. I smirked and turned to walk away, but was stopped by Soundbite clearing his throat.

"Oh, right, almost forgot." I turned to Vivi. "Which way is it to the dungeons from here?"

Vivi allowed herself to smirk as sadistically as was possible for someone like her. "Time for Soundbite's conjugal visit already?"

" **EEYUP!** " Soundbite hooted eagerly in agreement.

The princess pointed down one of the halls. "That way, down the stairs, take a left. There should be some guards you can ask to escort you from there."

"Thank you!" I waved at her over my shoulder as I went on my way.

Overall, the journey took a few minutes, for which I wasn't entirely ungrateful. For such an isolated and arid location, Alubarna Royal Palace had genuinely exquisite architecture. If this really was the original palace that stood here 800 years ago at the onset of the World Government's power—and the Poneglyph denoted that it most likely was—then the degree of technology available at the time _must_ have been significantly higher. Granted, Machu Picchu was also more elaborate than its location initially belied, but this was on a whole other level.

Even the palace dungeons were surprisingly elaborate: smooth, featureless corridors of sandstone laid out in a relatively grid-like manner. If it weren't for the guard guiding me, there isn't a doubt in my mind that I would have wound up hopelessly lost. A simple, if doubtlessly elegant means of containing all but the most powerful and redoubtable of prisoners.

Currently, the dungeons were filled, if not completely to capacity then at least damn close. The reason for this was that after Tashigi had managed to pull her men together and gain some form of control over the situation, she'd dedicated every soldier she could spare to covering every possible base she could think of in the name of making sure that there wasn't even so much as a shadow of a chance that Crocodile could escape or be freed from captivity. As such, there hadn't been any available troops to transport the rest of the agents with them, forcing the Alabastan government to take custody of Baroque Works' rank and file in their stead.

Most of the cells held average thugs that all bore the emblem of Baroque Works somewhere on their person. I noticed a handful of them with bandages or just-healed scars over the tattoos or where they presumably would have been, and flashed back to when Arlong had betrayed Nami. I couldn't help but chuckle; Crocodile had let down everyone that worked for him, and I don't think I'd ever understand exactly why Mr. 1 stayed loyal.

I broke out of my thoughts as we came to a cell with a wooden door, no doubt smaller than the others. Sliding open the eye slot, I looked in and confirmed that the heavily bandaged Mr. 13 and Miss Friday were within, firmly chained to the back wall. The pair leered as they saw me… or I think they did, anyways, they apparently got bitey whenever anyone tried to touch their eyewear.

"Hey, guys! How's it hanging?" I asked innocently.

The two twitched and growled furiously as they glared daggers at me, their respective paws and talons stretching as they tried to reach for the floor, which they were suspended several feet above.

"Not good, huh?" I analyzed with faux-concern. "Well, I'm sorry to hear that, I _really_ am… but hey! Look on the bright side!" I turned slightly and showed Soundbite to the two, who was now grinning like an absolute _maniac._ "You've got a _visitor."_

" _ **Hello, my darlings,**_ " Soundbite crooned sadistically.

And just like that, the Unluckies' attitudes pulled a complete 180, going from fierce and cocky to flat-out _terrified._ The pair were shaking in their chains, shaking their heads at me in desperation. Desperation _I_ pointedly ignored.

"Well!" I grinned as I picked up Soundbite and plopped him on the small shelf just below the eye slot. "I'll just let you guys get reacquainted, pick up where you left off. Have fun!"

" **I WILL!** " Soundbite cackled with a lick of his lips.

Their screams of terror rang out just as the eye slot's slide clicked shut. As I turned my back to the door and leaned against it, I noticed that the guard that had guided me was looking at me in confusion. "What?" I questioned. I then got a good look at the guy's face. "Oh, you haven't had escort duty yet. Sorry, those uniforms make identifying you a bit of a chore."

"That's the point," the guard shrugged before looking at the cell door curiously. "So… what exactly _is_ your snail doing in there, anyways?"

"Weeeell…" I rolled my head slightly. "See, the thing is, the animals in this cell? They came after Soundbite and I personally during the Revolution. Caused a fair bit of trouble for us, too. And Soundbite, well… he's a bit of a vindictive shit. And to be honest? Considering how these two have been thorns in our hides for a while now? I _really_ don't mind being classified as such too. Hence, Soundbite is… paying them back with interest for their crimes, if you will. Primarily by making them _seriously_ regret ever living."

"Well, yes, I gathered," the guard shrugged. "But what is he doing, specifically? I heard that his power was making noise and that seems about right, so how could he do anything to them from almost five feet away?"

I turned, giving the guard a haunted look. "You don't want to know," I said hollowly. "If I told you what he was doing in there… you'd never sleep soundly again."

The guard crossed his arms and gave me a flat look. "I fought in the Rebellion, Mister Cross, I think I can handle myself."

I studied the guy for a moment longer before hanging my head with a despondent sigh. "On your head be it. He's…" I shuddered heavily. "He's reciting Vogon poetry."

The flatness of the guard's look intensified. "He's torturing them with… poetry?"

"Nononono!" I promptly stuck my finger up in denial. " _Vogon._ He's torturing them with _Vogon_ poetry, there is a _marked_ difference."

"What kind of difference could there possibly be? And what the heck is a Vogon, anyway?"

"An alien. Oh, believe me, I'm _quite_ serious," I went on as the guard stared at me in disbelief. "Extraterrestrial life, and a horrible example of it too. Ugly, vile, bureaucratic to hell and back, and most importantly? They write some of the worst. Poetry. In the universe. The _third_ worst, to be specific."

The guard blinked in confusion. "I… huh? If you're using poetry and that's really the third worst, then why not go for the first instead?"

"Because the first worst was destroyed, nobody knows what it was anymore and the universe is grateful for it. Meanwhile, the _second_ worst poetry in the universe comes from a species known as the Azgoths of Kria, and the recitation of one of their poems, ' _Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning',_ _killed_ four members of the attending audience via internal hemorrhaging, and a fifth only survived by gnawing one of his own legs off."

"… _eh?_ " the guard finally managed to get out.

"Eeyup," I nodded solemnly. "You see, Vogons have developed their poetry to the point where it is an instrument of torture. It's _right_ there on the borderline: horrible, _terrible_ enough to cause nigh mortal agony within any and all unlucky enough to hear its excruciating lyrics, and yet… just shy of being actively lethal enough to grant them the sweet, sweet release of death." I grinned viciously at the guard. "Still think we're not doing much to them?"

The guard's mouth flapped uselessly for a moment until he managed to get his jaw under control. "You are a very scary man, aren't you?"

I took a moment to mentally fistpump before singsonging "Pi~ra~te." I then took notice of the time and rapped my fist against the wood of the door. "Okay, Soundbite, I think they've had enough. Wrap it up!"

A minute later, there was a knock against the eye slot, signalling me to slide it open. On the other side, Soundbite was smiling proudly, if somewhat queasily.

The Unluckies were back in a position I'd become very familiar with in the past few days: shaking and shuddering against their binds as they were caught up in the throes of a full-blown seizure, heads tilted back as far as they could go and foam bubbling furiously out of their mouths.

"Well, I'm glad you all had fun!" I saluted them as I slid Soundbite back onto my shoulder. "I'd _love_ to do this again sometime, truly I would, but I'm afraid that our time in this kingdom is limited. Still, be sure to look us up if you're ever in the neighborhood! Or burn in hell, but hey, either or. Say hi to Magellan for me, bye!" And with that, I slid the slide shut before gesturing at the guard. "After you."

And with that we resumed the trek back out of the dungeons, going back past the all of the prisoners. It was a relatively calm trek—

"BARK BARK BARK! _RRRR! BAR-KAI!"_

Until a flurry of canine screaming echoed from somewhere else in the prison.

I whipped my head in the general direction of the din, taking a brief moment to realize what the only possible source was before looking back at the guard. "Take me to wherever that is, quick!"

The guard jerked in shock. "Wha—!? No way, that's against every protocol in the—!"

I grabbed his collar and jabbed my finger in the noise's general direction. "That's a bazooka made sentient via a Zoan Devil Fruit with enough firepower to blow us all to kingdom come, _especially_ in this tight a confine! I've already put my life on the line once for this kingdom, now stop wasting time and _take me there already!_ "

The guard debated with himself for a moment before nodding firmly and starting down a corridor, gesturing for me to follow him.

We made swift progress through the halls, ignoring the renewed jeers and catcalls being tossed out by the prisoners. At the same time, the barking grew even more frantic and nearer still.

Eventually, we rounded a corner and managed to catch sight of what all the commotion was: just as I'd thought, there was Lassoo, relatively hale and healthy if not for the burns and scratches he was covered in, snarling and snapping at the trio of guards that had penned him into a corner with their spears, while a fourth stood by with what looked to be a pair of Sea Prism Stone handcuffs. Thankfully, instead of his techno-organic hybrid form, the weapon was fully flesh and bone; granted, he was the size of a freaking mastiff and could easily have made a chew toy out of me, but that was better than getting blasted somewhere where the blast would be funneled and concentrated.

Lassoo growled and took a bite at one of the guards that got too close—

"WATCH IT!"

"YIPE!"

Before retreating with a pained whimper as one of the guards nicked him with his spear.

"Damn mutt…" the cuff-holding guard growled darkly.

"Hey!" I caught the man's attention as I ran up to them, keeping a wary eye on Lassoo as I went. "What's going on here? How come he isn't in a cell?"

The guard shook his head with a scowl. "The damn thing changed back into a gun shortly before we took him and his owners into custody. He's been in our evidence locker for the past three days. We were just transporting him outside to a squad the Marines sent to pick him up when he suddenly changed back and tried to rip my head off!"

"Personally, I say we just stick the mongrel and be done with it," one of the gruffer guards grunted, jabbing his spear forwards menacingly. "Damn thing tried to help kill us all, it's only right we return the favor!"

Lassoo's demeanor shifted visibly at that statement, his shoulders hunching up and a keening noise coming from his muzzle as he tried to retreat and press himself into the corner.

Oh, _hell,_ no. As a previous dog owner before my family's housing situation dictated otherwise, that was _not_ alright. "HEY!" I barked, harshly slapping the guard's shoulder. "Enough! The rebellion is over and done with! They are going to prison, if not Impel Down itself, there is _no_ reason to re-escalate! Now stand the hell down!"

"But—!"

"You can stand down on your own or I can get Vivi down here to _put you in a cell with them,"_ I snarled, jabbing my thumb at Soundbite. "Hell, I'll even start a betting pool on how many seconds you last. Five to one odds on half a minute, any takers?"

The guards glanced nervously at each other before complying, backing up a few feet from the Zoan but not raising their spears. That was fair, Lassoo was still damn big. The one holding the handcuffs proffered them to me. "Here, you'll want these."

I glanced down at the handcuffs with a cocked eyebrow before smiling and taking them. "Yeah, you're right, I do! Do you happen to have the keys too?" He handed them over and I promptly slid them both into my belt. "Perfect! Now, if you'd be so kind as to run up to the kitchens and bring a steak down here?"

The guard promptly reeled in shock. "Buh—wah?!"

My gaze flattened as I pointed a finger at Lassoo. "I don't know the exact details on how object-Zoans work, but the fact is that he hasn't eaten anything in three days. So, as I said: steak, T-bone, large, doesn't matter how it's cooked. Hell, you could run a cow down here and I'd still be happy." I waited for a moment before shooting a scowl at the man. " _Today,_ soldier!"

"Y-yes sir!" the soldier yelped, hastily scrambling off down the corridor.

I waited until the man was out of sight before turning my attention back to Lassoo. The dog-gun was eyeing me cautiously as he stayed huddled in the corner, but his hackles hadn't dropped even a bit.

I held my hand out calmingly as I took tentative steps towards the mega-sized dachshund, calling to mind all of the experience I had gained from dealing with my pet mutt (literal mutt, no idea what his breed was) Tony. I just had to stay calm—

"RRRR!" Lassoo growled, taking a vicious snap at me that caused me to jerk back slightly.

Alright, granted, I'd known Tony since he was a puppy, he didn't outweigh me thrice over and he most _certainly_ didn't harbor a grudge on account of how two of my crewmates had kicked his ass, but at least I had a home field advantage.

"Little help here?" I muttered to Soundbite. The snail shook his head, still queasy from his torture session; honestly, the backlash Vogon poetry had on his throat was as much the reason for his silence the past few days as his sulking. We both agreed it was totally worth it, though… right up until it made my job at calming the vicious assassin-dog before me ten times harder. Damn it…

I took a calming breath as I readied myself. Alright, let's try this again. "Hey, hey now, no need for that…" I said softly as I held my hand out towards him, slowly inching forwards. I paused as Lassoo snarled anew, but I didn't retreat again. "I realized you're pissed, you've got every reason to be and I'm sorry for that, but it's alright now, it's alright. The war's over, you don't need to fight anymore, alright?" Lassoo made a minor lunge forwards and it was only my steeled nerves that kept me from flinching.

"It's alright, it's alright…" I repeated calmly, slowly reaching over him. "I'm not going to hurt you, I'm just…" I trailed off as I slowly lowered my hand towards Lassoo's head, _truly_ grateful for the fact that I'd decided to leave my armor back in the crew's room.

Lassoo shrunk away from my touch initially, but after a moment he slowly raised his head up and met my fingers. I started slowly scratching his scalp, staying on top of his head at first. Only when he relaxed ever so slightly did I move my hand to the side, getting him just behind his ear. After a few seconds, Lassoo relaxed even further, leaning into my hand with a satisfied chuff.

"Theeeere we go," I crooned as I slowly knelt down and brought my other hand up, starting to scratch beneath his chin. From there, I slowly moved along down along his neck to his back. Once I started moving down to his side, he dropped to the floor and rolled over, giving me easy access to his stomach. "Yeeeeaaaaah, you're a _good_ boy, aren't you? Whosa good boy? Whosa good boy? You are, yes, you are!"

" **Dog** _owners,"_ Soundbite wheezed with a snicker.

"Kiss my ass~" I singsonged in the same babyish tone of voice.

"Uh, 'scuse me?"

I fought to keep from flinching as Lassoo tensed up beneath me, a growl rumbling out of his chest. Damn it, of _all_ the times for the bastard to get back, _now_ was the moment he chose!?

I glanced back at the newly returned guard and eyed the steak-platter he was holding before giving him a flat stare as a thought came to me. "If I have Soundbite take a bite of that thing, is he gonna keel over?" I asked him in a deadpan tone.

The guard's demeanor instantly stiffened, and I redoubled my cold glare.

Silence reigned for a moment before the guard smiled nervously and jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "So, I'm, ah… just gonna go get a new one?"

"Yeah, I'd suggest you do that _fast,_ " I concurred icily before stabbing my finger down at Lassoo. "Before I let him eat _you_ instead."

A menacing canine growl promptly sent the guard scrambling down the corridor as fast as his feet could carry him.

"And make sure Sanji doesn't catch you throwing that thing away, otherwise he _will_ grill you up!" I called after him before going back to my ministrations on Lassoo. "He was a big fat dumbass, wasn't he? Wasn't he? Not like you, you're a good boy! Yes, you are, yes, you are!"

Lassoo chuffed and wiggled happily beneath me, his tail thumping against the stone.

It was all going quite well, when suddenly, without any warning—

"Laaaaaaa-ssoooooooo~"

A very deep, very familiar and _ridiculously_ sluggish voice echoed throughout the hall. The dachshund's ears perked up, and before I or any of the guards could react he quickly flipped to his paws and darted past me, hip-checking a guard out of the way as he gallopped around a nearby corner. With no small amount of trepidation I gave chase, the guards hot on my heels.

Thankfully, depending on how you looked at things, Lassoo hadn't gone far. He'd stopped a few feet in front of us, balancing on his hind legs as he begged against the bars of a cell. A cell that held—!

I snapped my hand out and grabbed the collar of the nearest guard I could reach, dragging him close so that I could shove my face in his. "Not only did you keep both members of an _assassin team_ in the same cell, but you took their _Zoan weapon_ through a corridor that was only a few feet away from them!?" I demanded incredulously.

"T-the dog was still a gun, so we thought—!" the guard hedged uncomfortably.

"The _gun_ is part _dog!_ No wonder he suddenly changed, he _smelled_ these two! Good God, where did Cobra hire you people, the Baroque Works reject line?!" I started to shake the hapless—and in my opinion, almost definitely witless—guard. "I mean, my God, man, this is basic guard shit! _Separate_ the damn _prisoners!_ "

I took another look in the cell and promptly tensed at something _else_ I realized. "And put the bigger one in Sea Prism Stone!" I shoved the handcuffs in my belt at him. Damn it, there went my anti-Devil Fruit contingency, but desperate times! "He can swing a four-ton bat like it's four pounds, I do _not_ trust regular old iron to hold him! What is _wrong_ with you morons!?"

"Hahahaha! Well, this ain't exactly Impel Down they got goin' here, _brat!"_ Miss Merry Christmas barked, shaking back and forth in the Sea Prism Stone chains that she was wrapped up in. At least the Marines had done _something_ right.

"And I wouldn't worry your head off if I were you; while Mr. 4's got the strength to get outta here, he sure ain't got the brains, that's for sure! Speaking of which…" Christmas started shifting back and forth in her chains for a moment, dropping her smirk into a scowl and turning to bark at the goliath next to her. "Hey, moron! My back's killing me here! Gimme a massage! Now, moron, now now!"

Mr. 4 _sloooowly_ looked down at her before nodding with just as much speed. "Ooooo-kaaaay," he droned. With a single jerk, the large man broke his cuffs like wet cardboard and reached towards his partner.

I promptly stuck my arm out, stopping one of the guards from going towards the cell. "Don't. 4's too moronic to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Interrupt him and we'll be dealing with a real-life Goliath. With any luck, he won't have the presence of mind to stop you from cuffing him once he's done."

I cast a glance at Lassoo, who hadn't moved from his position against the bars. Still full beast point, thankfully. With any luck he'd stay that way too. Otherwise… I didn't want to think about it.

"Oh, quit your bellyaching, you stupid little brat!" Merry Christmas barked from where she was lying facedown… inasmuch as her chains would allow. "If we were gonna have Lassoo blast us out of here, he'd already be in his hybrid form by now! And besides, we wouldn't have him shoot in here! That'd just be stupid, it'd kill even us!"

"You're saying that you're above using suicide attacks?" I asked in disbelief.

"Certainly not for Crocodile, that's for sure!" the mole-woman snorted. "Before he tried blowing us straight to hell with that bomb of his?" She shrugged slightly. "Maybe, the pay was admittedly damn good. But after we saw how big that blast was, and he didn't warn us? No chance in hell! That sad excuse for a Warlord deserves every second he gets in Impel Down!"

"Yeah, no kidding," I muttered to myself before raising my voice. "So, here's another question for you: if you could have had Mr. 4 break out at any time these past two days, why haven't you already gotten out of here?"

"Well, you see, brat—!" CRACK! "YEOW! MORE TO THE LEFT, MORON! NO, _MY_ GODDAMN LEFT, NOT YOUR LEFT, MINE!" CRICK! "Ah, that's better. Anyways, the reason why is that your long-nosed friend and your furry friend blew us straight to hell and back. We might have given them a few hard knocks, but we got pretty damn fucked up ourselves! If we tried to break out, especially with me wearing these—" she shook her arms and showed off her cuffs, "then we'd be turned into sieves in seconds. Rule number one of being a professional mercenary-assassin, brat: knowing when to fold them!"

"IIIIII thooooought thaaaat waaaaas fiiiiiif—?"

"That's what I said then, and this is what I'm saying now, moron! The rules are changing all the time! Try and keep up, you moron, keep up!"

"Do you seriously expect him to?" I asked curiously.

"No, but it helps cool down my raging migraines…" Merry Christmas growled in aggravation. She was silent for a moment before glancing up at me, a curious glint in her cracked sunglasses. "So, tell me brat. What was that all about?" She scowled at my confused look. "Lassoo, ya dumb brat, Lassoo! Why'd you stick up for him like that? Not that I ain't grateful, the dumb mutt's grown on me, kind of like a fungus, but still! Like you said, he helped try and burn this country to the ground! So, why'd you help him, huh?"

I blinked in surprise before shrugging casually. "Well… hell, why not? I had a dog too, once, back before I started on this crazy journey my crew's on, and, well…" I reached up and scratched Lassoo's ears, which earned me a pleased chuff. "I realize that it's not quite as simple as this, what with some animals being smarter than others—present company not withstanding, of course." I smirked as Soundbite chomped down on my shoulder. "But personally, I believe that there aren't really any _actually_ bad animals. When domestication is involved, at least. Just… bad owners, you know?"

" **Gotta** _catch_ ' _ **em**_ ALL?" Soundbite rasp-wheezed in my ear.

"Hey, if the shoe fits," I muttered back.

Miss Merry Christmas stared at me with an unreadable expression. Finally, she broke the look and sat up as Mr. 4 stood back, cracking her neck slightly. "Well, not that it hasn't been great talking with one of the idiot brats who ruined our chance at the payday of the century—!"

"Hey, _you're_ the one who tried to claim that Luffy was dead without _actually_ seeing a body," I promptly shot back. "So, _who,_ pray tell, is the idiot here?"

Christmas's expression dropped into her trademark scowl. "Alright, brat, just get the hell out of—!"

"Waaaaiiiiiit."

Both Christmas and I looked in surprise at Mr. 4, who had an uncharacteristically serious look on his face…or at least, his face was forming into what looked like an uncharacteristically serious look. His baby face made it a bit hard to tell.

"Huh!?" Christmas barked, voicing what we were all thinking. "Wait?! Why do you want him to wait, moron!? What's there to wait for, we're all done here! Do you need us to repeat it all for you, moron, because I won't do it again, you hear me!? I won't—!"

"Yoooouuuu liiiiiike hiiiiiim?" Mr. 4 droned out, interrupting Christmas as he looked at Lassoo and pointed at me. The dog-gun blinked and tilted his head in confusion as he looked back at me before barking eagerly and nodding as his tail wagged some. Mr. 4 slowly tilted his head to the side as he _seemed_ to ponder something. Seriously, slow he might have been, but that made for a helluva poker face. Fortunately for all of us, it didn't take long before he looked back up at me.

"Yooouuu taaaaake caaaaare ooooof Laaaaassoooooo."

Silence… then—

" _WHAT!?"_

" _YI—HUH!?"_ Lassoo blinked as his yelp morphed into legible words. "What the—?"

" _I'm back_ **and better than ever!** " Soundbite whooped with a blare of victorious fanfare.

"More like worse," I shot at him with a glare. "Goofy? _Seriously?"_

" _ **NYEH!"**_

"ARE YOU COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR MIND, YOU MORON!?" Merry Christmas suddenly howled at the top of her lungs, jerking at 4 as though to rip his head off. "I MEAN, SERIOUSLY!? I REALIZE THAT THAT WAS THE PLAN THE WHOLE TIME, BUT I THOUGHT WE'D GIVE HIM TO SOMEBODY WHO WAS ACTUALLY HALFWAY DECENT! THIS STUPID BRAT HELPED STOP US AND SAVE THIS STUPID KINGDOM, STUPID!"

"Eeeeexaaaaactlyyyyy," Mr. 4 said, folding his arms and nodding.

Christmas froze as she silently gaped at 4 before slamming her jaws shut with a growl. "Sometimes, I really wonder just how moronic you _actually_ are…" she ground out furiously, a vein pulsing on her forehead.

The corners of 4's lips slowly tilted upwards.

"Uh, 'scuse me?!" I piped up, waving my arms frantically. "Seriously confused pirate here, wanting to know what the _hell_ is going on! What do you mean, I take care of Lassoo!? He's _your_ gun-dog!"

"Dog-gun," Christmas corrected with a huff. "You know, like mole-woman or rubber-man? It's how it's done. And anyways, not anymore. The big moron's spoken and apparently I don't have any ground to stand on anymore. I'd hoped to get a good price out of this, but I guess this is just how the cookie crumbles."

"H-huh!?" Lassoo yelped, looking between his owners with mixed confusion and horror. "Y-you were gonna sell me? But why!? I-I was a good dog, I listened to you, I—!?"

"That's exactly why we're shoving you off, you dumb mutt!" Christmas spat. "You've been a good weapon for the past few years, real reliable, but where we're going, you can't come! And whether you like it or not, _we_ like you too much to put you through it!"

"Huh?" Lassoo blinked. "What're ya—?"

"Laaaaassoooooo," 4 interrupted slowly. "Weeeeee'reeeee reeeeetiiiiiriiiiing."

" _HUH!?"_ Lassoo barked.

"Retiring, mutt!" Christmas reiterated in exasperation. "Getting out of the game, hanging up the knives, tossing in the towel, any other euphemisms you can think for it, it applies! Once we break out of here—and we _will_ break out sooner or later, you can count on it—4 and I are getting the hell out of the mercenary business, once and for all! We're getting too old, just too damn old. We _wanted_ to buff the nest-egg we have stashed across a few islands with one final payday, but _that_ plan was blown to hell!" She sent an especially acrid glare my way.

I met it head-on with a snort. "Screw you, mole-woman, if our crew _hadn't_ stopped Crocodile, you two would have lost a goodly chunk of your body weight the hard way. Though let's be honest." I grinned nastily. "That would have been an _improvement_ in your case, huh?"

I swear I saw a red aura around her for a second before she forced herself to look back at Lassoo, though her tone was noticeably more irritated. "Anyways, like I told the brat earlier, you're a gun that's part dog, not the other way around; if you were a dachshund that'd eaten a weapon-based Fruit—!"

"Donquixote famiglia member's got that one, no chance of that happening in this lifetime," I piped up helpfully.

"But the fact is that you're _not,"_ Christmas finished with a snort, pointedly ignoring me. "You're a weapon, Lassoo, one of the strongest guns to come out of the 'Wild' West Blue in decades, and that's saying something. You might have a mind and will of your own, Lassoo, but our base natures never stop affecting us; you're a _weapon_ , Lassoo, always have been, always will be. You can stop it for a moment, you can pause it, but that bloodlust you feel, that rush whenever you're blasting enemies? That's never going away. You were made for the battlefield, and you couldn't leave it or make it leave you if you tried. You're better off going with someone that can help you make the most of both parts of you. Someone who's actually going to use you…" She trailed off for a moment before sighing uncomfortably. "Someone who's not us. Sorry, mutt. Wish it were later than sooner and I wish it were more comfortable, but this is the end of the line for us. Got it?"

The guards looked as shocked as I felt at the whole thing. Heck, even Soundbite seemed surprised.

Merry Christmas stayed morose for a second longer before snapping her head up and glaring at me. "So! _You're_ taking care of Lassoo now whether I like it or not. That means you feed him, pet him, clean him, maintain him, the works. I stowed his instruction manual in a compartment on him because 4 couldn't hold onto it if he tried and there was no way in hell I was going to lug it around if I could help it. It has his specs and maintenance directions and everything. Follow it to the letter. And learn how to use him; if there's one thing more dangerous than a loaded weapon, it's a dumb brat like you having a loaded weapon and not knowing how to use it. Other than that, uh…"

"Taaaaaaake caaaaare oooooof Laaaassoooooo…" Mr. 4 droned slowly.

SLAM!

"GRGHK!" I choked out, scrabbling at the pneumatic freaking _clamp_ that had closed around my throat. Fucking hell, did this jackass know Shave or something because I _swear_ that wasn't movement that was fucking teleportation _and the bars were bending like butter beneath his other hand ohfuckfuckfuck!_

"Or else," the goliath growled murderously.

The grip on my windpipe lessened just enough for me to both suck down some air to speak with and get an idea. "Okay okay okay," I blurted out hastily. "I'll take Lassoo, I'll take good care of him, I swear, but you have to do _one_ thing first, one thing!"

"What, what the hell is it!?" Christmas barked impatiently.

I reached behind me and fumbled around blindly for a second before grinning and yanking the seastone cuffs out of one of the guard's hands and holding them up for 4 to see. "Put. These. On."

4 blinked slowly as he stared at the cuffs before _thankfully_ letting me go, allowing me to gasp in relief, before proffering his wrists through the bars. "Ooooookaaaaay."

"Damn cheeky brat…" Miss Merry Christmas spat acridly.

Lassoo looked on for a few moments before turning literal puppydog eyes on the guards. "Can ya open the door so I can say g'bye?" he whined.

I gave him a deadpan look as I clicked the cuffs around 4's wrists, doing my best _not_ to flinch when he pulled them back through the bars with little to no resistance. "I realize that these dumbasses _radiate_ stupidity—"

"HEY!"

"No seastone _whatsoever_ on the Zoan weapon or the quarter-Giant, plus, to reiterate, putting them together, and you _seriously_ think you have room to object!?" I demanded incredulously. I took solace in their chastised expressions before looking back at Lassoo. "Anyways, literally dogged loyalty is all well and good, but opening their cell for even a moment? Yeah, hell to the no." I met the puppydog eyes head-on with all the unmoving frigidity of a glacier. "Soundbite already played that card, chewed it up and spit it out. _That door's not opening."_

I _really_ had to fight from flinching when he flipped to baring his teeth and snarling viciously. His musculature started to shift beneath his fur—

" _Lassoo."_

When he suddenly flinched on account of a harsh voice lashing out at him. He slowly turned his eyes towards the cell, where 4 was glaring coldly at him.

The glare held up for a moment longer before he softened into a smile. "Beeee goooood, Laaaassoooooo. Allllriiiiight?"

Lassoo whimpered as he hung his head before slowly nodding in agreement. "O-okay…" He looked up sadly and waved his paw. "G'bye, Master. It was fun."

Mr. 4 nodded slowly as he waved one of his hands. "Byyyeee-byyyeee, Laaaassoooooo."

Miss Merry Christmas pursed her lips sourly for a moment before hanging her head with a sigh herself. "Goodbye, Lassoo."

Lassoo stared at them for a moment longer before looking up at me, fear and trepidation obvious beneath the neutral expression he was trying to put on.

I smiled kindly as I knelt down and held my hand out to him. "Before it starts, let's get one thing straight: none of that 'master' business. My friends call me Cross. Welcome to the Straw Hat Pirates, Lassoo. I'm glad to have you, and there isn't a doubt in my mind that the others will be too. Though," I smirked as I jerked my thumb at Soundbite. "Fair warning, he'll prolly blast you with a dog whistle once or twice."

" **I'm an** _ **insufferable**_ _JACKASS!_ " Soundbite proclaimed, sounding _way_ too proud of that statement.

Lassoo stared at my hand hesitantly for a moment longer… before lolling his tongue out and grinning as he gave me his paw. "Call me Lassoo, and same here."

I nodded and smiled as I stood up and clapped my hands. "Well! Come on, then, let's go and get some dinner!"

As we followed the guards out of the dungeon, we were met with a guard… carrying a steak platter.

"Uh, s-should I just put this down here or—?

"Don't know, don't care, just don't let it go to waste or our cook's liable to kill ya," I drawled as I walked around the frozen guard.

"Hey, now," a sultry voice drawled from a nearby cell. "If none of you are going to have that food, maybe I could have a bite?"

"Fuck off, acupuncture bitch," I shot back without a glance.

"Worth a shot," Miss Doublefinger shrugged indifferently.

No further interruptions surfaced as I made my way back up into the palace with our new companion. A few more minutes, and I met the majority of the crew outside the dining room. I briefly considered how to succinctly and professionally explain the current turn of events… before plastering a grin on my face and raising my fingers into a salute.

"Hey, guys, guess what? I got a dog!"

Nobody knew what to think for the first few seconds, staring curiously at the oversized dachshund, up until Lassoo stated his name, to which Usopp reacted… pretty much exactly as you'd expect.

" _THE MR. 4 TEAM'S BAZOOKA-DOG?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"_

I pondered how to react before widening my grin into a shit-eating one. "Nope. Met 4 and Merry Christmas on the way back from meeting with the Unluckies—"

"SWEET, SWEET _**REVENGE, baby!"**_ Soundbite crowed.

"And they didn't want their poor doggy to share their fate, and since I've got experience with dogs and am a decent guy in general, they said I could keep him, as long as I take good care of him. Actually, I think I'll need your mechanical expertise to help with that, Usopp; you're the best guy I know with gadgets, after all, and you could really show off by upgrading Lassoo."

Puffing up his ego seemed to work for a few seconds before he forced his frown back in place…though it was more worried than hostile. "Can we trust him? We're talking about a former Baroque Works agent here."

"Hey, my master and his friend were good to me, and I showed my loyalty for it!" Lassoo sniffed indignantly. "Cross was good to me too, so I'll be showing him and his friends loyalty. It's that easy."

Usopp scrutinized Lassoo suspiciously for a moment. "Alriiiight… in that case…" He crouched down and held his hand out. "Shake."

Lassoo stared at Usopp for a moment before bringing his paw up and placing it in the sniper's palm. "Happy?"

Usopp held the paw for a moment longer before standing up and turning around, his head bowed and his chin cupped contemplatively. "Well, it will take a while for us to trust you completely, but for the moment, I think that—!"

CHOMP!

Everything froze as Lassoo's jaws crunched down squarely on Usopp's ass, gnawing on as much flesh as he could get his fangs on. The silence lasted for all of one second before Soundbite began laughing his ass off. And, not entirely surprisingly, Luffy joined him.

"Cross?" Nami growled out as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Lassoo?" I asked with much the same tone and position.

"'Dish bastard mocked my species as soon as he saw me, slammed my old master into me with a hammer, and caused me to blow myself up!" Lassoo growled out viciously. "I may be loyal to you guys now, but I deserve this much for payback!"

I stared at him contemplatively for a moment before shrugging neutrally. "To be fair, Usopp, you _did_ make him try and blow himself up."

"HE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME!" the sniper howled, trying to yank himself out of the dog-gun's jaws.

"And Vivi was trying to kill Laboon when we first met her, but you don't see me raising a big fuss over that, do you?"

" _Mister Jeremiah."_

I shivered slightly at the Princess' frigid tone before spreading my arms helplessly. "Come on, Vivi, they offered out of the blue and you don't leave any options on the table when they're available. Plus, he was originally a gun. Guns don't kill people, people kill people!"

"He has a will of his own," Vivi retorted darkly.

"He's a dog, dogs are loyal to their owners! Come on, who do you blame for a dog being mean, huh? The dog or his owners?"

Vivi's expression remained cold for a few moments longer before she finally relented and slapped a palm to her face. "Just… don't let him back on Alabastan soil once he leaves it, alright?"

"I've got a better question!" Usopp snapped. "Why aren't you doing this to Chopper?! He also blew you up, and threw sand in your nose!"

"Right. So, experimental adrenaline serum 23B apparently causes hallucinations. Good to know, good to know."

All present turned to the doorway, where a drowsy-looking Chopper was scribbling something on a notepad, Zoro alongside him with a well-hidden look of concern on his face. Lassoo darted his eyes over to the other Zoan, but I held out a hand.

"Bite him if you have to, but wait until he's not the size of a stuffed animal, alright?"

The dachshund considered that before shrugging. "Fair enough, but don't make me wait too long."

"That depends entirely on him. On that note…" My gaze hardened again. "Let him go." I waited for a second before crossing my arms firmly. "Now, or Soundbite breaks out the whistle on _my_ orders."

Lassoo promptly let go with a disappointed chuff. "Fiiiiine…"

Nami sent a half-pleading look at Luffy. " _Captain?"_

Luffy tilted his head slightly as he stared at Lassoo before looking at Usopp. "You said that he's a dog who can turn into a gun, right?"

Usopp nodded frantically, but before he could say anything I piped up. "Actually, he's a dog-gun rather than a gun-dog; he ate the Dachshund model of the Mutt-Mutt Fruit."

And just like that, Luffy had stars in his eyes. "You mean he's a gun that can turn into a dog!? Cool!"

Nami pinned me with a betrayed look, flinging her arms out in a gesture that just screamed 'WTF'. I put on a bemused expression and shrugged heavily. "Look, I'm playing this by ear, alright? After all, our crew _is_ gonna—! …um…"

I trailed off uncomfortably as I glanced at Luffy. "Well, suffice to say that we'll make allies stranger and more hostile than this in the future, and… the pros outweighed the cons," I explained carefully, still looking at our captain before returning my attention to Nami. "In the end, there really aren't any downsides to all of this and, well…" I tilted my head slightly. "Do… you _really_ have any grounds to stand on when talking about someone switching sides? No offense, but really now."

Nami's expression darkened, and she glanced over at Lassoo, sizing him up. In the end, she slouched forward with a hand pressed to her temple. "Fine, you're the expert on character here. But if I put one foot in dog-doo, he _and_ you are going over."

"Don't worry, I know to hang it over the edge when I go," Lassoo reassured her. "It's a skill all dogs learn real fast on the seas. It's either that or get slated as emergency rations."

Nami looked like she could have done without that information, but nodded nonetheless. Sanji seemed to have no objections, though I could tell by the way he was puffing on his cigarette that he wasn't letting his guard down just yet. Usopp, despite the pain he was in, had yet to actually _say_ anything, and Luffy…well, that went without saying. I looked back at the remaining crewmates in the doorway. Chopper still seemed to be slightly out of it, and Zoro…

I swear, if he didn't have Conqueror's Haki, then the glare he was pinning Lassoo with was close enough to fool anyone on this side of the Red Line who didn't know any better. And by the way Lassoo folded almost instantly and hunched in on himself, whimpering and cowering pathetically, if I had to guess I'd say that he either didn't know any better or he just didn't give a damn. After a few seconds, the swordsman nodded and looked at me, thankfully dropping the glare in the process.

"Maybe some heavy artillery will give you half a chance in sparring."

I opened my mouth to give an indignant retort, but closed it as I considered the statement. "…you're lying through your teeth, aren't you?"

Zoro smirked as he strode past me. "You guessed it. Now, come on, let's get something to eat, I'm hungry!"

"Alright! …wrong way."

"Gah, sonnuva—!"

"ENOUGH TALK!" Luffy abruptly whooped. "COME ON! LET'S EAT!"

"Wrong way, Captain. Also the wrong way. No, still the wrong way." Sighing, I pointed to the door out of the room. " _That_ way."

"Aaaactually…" Vivi took hold of my wrist and turned my arm to the left.

I stood silent for a moment before giving her a flat look. "Your home is stupidly expansive."

" _DON'T CHANGE_ _ **the**_ **subject!** " Soundbite chortled.

"Shishishi, you're an idiot, Cross!"

" _LIKE YOU HAVE_ ANY _ROOM TO SPEAK!?_ "

"Hweehweehweehwee!" Lassoo squeaked.

"… Okay, the Goofy voice I can take, _but Muttley's laugh!?_ "

" **HOOHOOHOO** _HEEHEEHEE_ HAHAHA!"

"Good grief…" I groaned, slapping my hand to my face.

Honestly now, considering how my crew acted in a public setting, I could only imagine how dinner was going to turn out.

 **-o-**

My eye twitched steadily as I watched a piece of meat disappear from my plate moments before the tines of my fork could actually _touch it_.

I really, _really_ do not know what the hell I was expecting.

"Luuuffyyy…" I snarled out darkly. Moving fast, I snatched up my knife in a reverse grip and stabbed it into the wood where Luffy's hand was once, twice, three times in a row. All to no avail, on account of how I _still_ barely missed stabbing the dead meat, both raw and cooked. Finally getting fed up, I glanced around and waved one of the nearby serving girl over. "Pardon me, miss," I hissed with forced politeness. "But have you ever heard of Ghost Peppers before?"

I grinned as the blood drained from the already nauseated woman's face. "Y-you mean the hottest, spiciest peppers this side of the Red Line?"

I nodded in confirmation. "That's the one! Could you kindly ask Terracotta to stuff a _niiice_ big shank of meat with them, then bring it here?"

The serving girl opened her mouth to say something… then glanced over to where Vivi was laughing, reconsidered, and leaned in with a devious grin. "Actually, sir, if I might make a suggestion?"

I cocked an eyebrow in curious interest. "Oh?"

"While Ghost Peppers are infamous and indeed the spiciest peppers on this side of the Red Line, might I instead recommend the West Blue Ilusian Reaper? They're a crossbreed of Ghost Peppers and Habanero Peppers, and are fifty percent spicier than Ghost Peppers; I believe they're considered to be the hottest peppers in the world."

I whipped my hand to my mouth with a theatrical gasp of horror. "You're _wicked!_ " I then grinned from ear to ear. "About a dozen or so should do the trick."

"Of course, sir," she curtsied before looking over at Lassoo. "And you?"

"Hm?" Lassoo looked up from the bowl of mashed potatoes he'd been burying his muzzle in, the meal dripping from lips.

"Never mind, then."

"Okay!" And with that, he reburied himself.

"Is anyone else in need of anything?"

"SALAD, _**salad!**_ " Soundbite called from the empty bowl he'd worked his way into. " _ **AND NO VINEGAR!**_ "

"And don't put your fingers too close while serving it," I added helpfully.

"Also, can we get some smelling salts over here, please?" Sanji called out uncomfortably, lightly poking at Chopper's prone form. "I think our doctor is drowning in his soup."

"R-right away, sir!" the serving girl said, nodding hastily as she raced off to the kitchens.

Thankfully for my appetite, it didn't take the girl long, and soon enough she was back with several companions, carrying the requested platters.

Mine in particular was notably mouth-watering, and I'd have dug in myself if I weren't fully aware of the fact that doing so would mean death by oral immolation.

Soundbite was just as eager, snickering and cackling in his bowl. The second the salad was dumped in, the greens immediately started vanishing at blinding speed, accompanied by the sound of mechanical shredding.

I smirked as I fingered my fork, and as I did so I noticed Usopp grinning with just as much malice over his food. I waved and got his attention, pointing down at my food and then holding up 3 fingers. The sniper promptly replied with a snicker and a thumbs up.

I then held my fork up over my plate with an eager-ish grin. "Oh, boy, this is gonna be _good!_ " I crowed as genuinely as I could manage.

As predicted, the meat almost instantly disappeared from my plate, and judging by Usopp's shit-eating grin and his own empty plate, I wasn't the only one who'd been robbed.

Thankfully, our comeuppance would be delivered in three, two, one…

" _HOOOOOOOOT!"_

Usopp and I cackled as the ambient temperature in the room suddenly spiked, accompanied closely by the whoosh of flames.

"Oh, yeah, chalk one up for strategy and deviousness!" I cackled, grinning eagerly as I reached out to stab a particularly juicy-looking leg of poultry.

My demeanor promptly flipped as the meat disappeared. _Again._ "Seriously!? Isn't your tongue burnt to hell and back!?"

"Mmyeah, eating hurths a lot!"

" _THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL DOING IT, DUMBASS!?"_ Nami demanded incredulously, cracking her fist over Luffy's skull.

My eye twitched furiously as food continued to disappear at a blinding rate. "Alright, that's it! Hey, Lassoo!"

The dachshund-hybrid popped his head up curiously.

"Care to demonstrate how good you are at following orders?" I jabbed my finger at Luffy. " _Sic him, boy."_

Lassoo grinned eagerly before leaping up onto the table and lunging at Luffy's hand the second he grabbed another piece of meat. The Zoan-user's grin widened by several fangs for a second before dying as he started to skid across the table.

"Oh, no, you don't!" I yelped, wrapping my arms around Lassoo's midsection.

In hindsight, I realize just what a stupid stupid _stupid_ move it was, trying to get into a battle of strength with a person whose whole schtick was being stupid strong. But at that exact moment, I only realized it _after_ I'd been dragged out of my seat and across the table, ruining my second favorite jacket and causing _everyone_ else to start laughing.

I took a moment to let the world stop spinning before slowly righting myself and levelling a scathing glare at my captain. "Luuuuffyyyyy…" I growled out viciously. "You're not going to get this reference, but I'm about to turn you into freaking _Greninja._ And in the name of that," I jabbed my finger at him. "LASSOO, MAUL!"

"BARK BARK BARK!" Lassoo… barked, scrambling to his paws and leaping at Luffy. The two promptly fell into a nigh cartoonish ball of violence, dust cloud and all. Hell, I wouldn't have been surprised if a star or spiral or two had dropped out of the brawl in the process. Soundbite providing the necessary ambiance didn't hurt either.

"Mmmrgh…" I looked over my shoulder as Chopper blinked awake in his seat, rubbing his eyes blearily. "This is why I swore off all-nighters five years ago. And I thought that Doctorine getting mad at me for falling asleep in the middle of one of her surprise tests was bad enough…" He looked towards the source of the noise filling the room and promptly shook fully awake in terror, shifting into his Heavy Point defensively. "L-L-LASSOO!?"

The hound promptly paused his fight and looked over his shoulder. Seeing that Chopper was now of the appropriate size, his attentiveness towards Luffy abruptly ended in favor of baring his teeth at the human-reindeer with a growl.

"Don't worry, Chopper, the good news is that he's been placed firmly on our side," I reassured the doctor. "The bad news, on the other hand, well..." I grinned sheepishly. "He's… got something of a grudge against you. So… yeah, I'd suggest you run… like, _now._ And before you say anything!" I cut his attempted protest off with a raised finger. "In all fairness, you _did_ blow him up."

"AFTER HE DID THE SAME TO ME! I WAS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING CLOUD OF HIS DAMN BASEBALL BOMBS!" Chopper retorted fearfully.

"Yeah, but you played on his prevalent condition to do it," I countered, shrugging. "Look, just let him get his literal pound of flesh and you'll both be even. Okay?"

"Uhh…" Chopper eyed Lassoo warily for a moment. Finally, however, his animal instincts took priority as he turned tail and ran away. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

"RUFF RUFF RUFF!" Lassoo bayed fiercely, promptly giving chase.

"I thought you were translating?" I queried back at Soundbite.

"THERE'S _not_ — _ **URP!**_ — **not** _always SOMETHING_ **to TRANSLATE,** YA KNOW!"

I shrugged in response, then looked back at Luffy, who was struggling to get up and, from the angry look in his eyes, chase after Lassoo. "GET BACK HERE!" Moments later, he proved me right as he leapt to his feet. But first…

"GRAA- _GYERK!"_ Luffy gagged as he ran mouth-first into my outstretched hand.

He wasn't getting away without me making good on my vow.

Eurgh, _really_ wish I'd had my armor for that bit, but hey, at least I'd managed to _do_ it!

I cackled as Luffy staggered away, grasping and fumbling at the tangled muscle wrapped twice around his head and trailing behind him like a scarf, utterly obscuring his mouth. "Can I make the obvious tongue-tied joke, or would that be too cheesy?"

"If it had just been a simple knot, you'd probably be slapped at least once. But that? Make all the bad jokes you want, that was _gold_!" Usopp cackled as he nearly toppled out of his seat in his rolling laughter. "Plus, we can eat in peace now!"

Cobra cocked an eyebrow in amusement as he watched Lassoo chase Chopper around the table. "This is what you count as peaceful?"

"HA! Are you kidding?" I scoffed as I righted Luffy's chair and sat in it, absentmindedly grabbing something off the table. "Let me tell you something, your highest of highnesses!"

"Ah, Cross—!" Nami tried to grab my shoulder but I shrugged her off.

"Don't worry, don't worry, I won't be offensive," I promised her offhandedly as I waved my hand at Cobra. "Now, King Cobra— _love_ the name, by the way—I've been on this crew for… what, three months? No, less than two, that's for sure. But anyways, the fact is, this?" I rolled my finger, indicating the sheer chaos around us. "It's messy, sure, and I sincerely apologize for that, but it's _nowhere_ near our worst yet." I emphasized my point by taking a bite out of whatever it was I'd grabbed.

"No, Cross, _don't—!"_

"See," I mumbled out around the stuff I was chewing. Damn good taste, excellent texture too. "As it is, the overall sanity of the room supercedes the madness we're generating." I swallowed and grinned cheekily. "And—!"

 _Gurgrlrrroooowl..._

I froze as my stomach suddenly started churning and groaning like a ship in a hurricane.

"I tried to warn you," Nami groaned, thumping her head against the table.

I slowly brought my hand up before my face, confirming my suspicions. _Biscuit…_

I turned my horrified gaze back to the confused ruler. "And…" I went on slowly. "I do believe that I just broke even. If you'll excuse me?"

 _GROOWOWWRRRGH!_

" _I-NEED-TO-USE-THE-BATHROO-OO-OOM!"_

 **-o-**

"Will you dumbasses stop laughing already!?" I demanded indignantly. "It's not funny!"

"Oh, I beg to differ!" Chaka chortled as he washed himself down. "Setting a land speed record for exiting the royal dining hall? That's _extremely_ funny! I don't think the guards have ever laughed so hard in the entire time I've known them!"

"Go choke on a doggy bone!" I snarled at the guardian before sneering as a thought hit me. "Or better yet, choke on _your_ bone. Doesn't your kind like licking itself down there?"

"HA!" Pell snorted as Chaka twitched furiously and shot a glare at his friend.

"Like you haven't preened yourself at least twice a day since we ate these damn things!?" he shot back, "even when you're _not_ feathered!?" _That_ killed Pell's laughter in a hurry.

"While we're flinging stones abai— _ahem,_ mah-mah- _MAH!_ " Igaram recited as he cleared his throat. "While we're flinging stones against Zoans, might I comment that I've noticed a net increase in cases of lice and fleas since your 'initial transformations'?"

Both Chaka and Pell sank into the waters of the baths with groans of embarrassment while Cobra roared with laughter.

Immediately after dinner and my, _ergh,_ 'embarrassing debacle', we had moved on to entering the Palace's _incredibly_ impressive baths. I'd been a bit… hesitant, at first, on account of my Western sensibilities, but in the end I managed to stomach my pride and get in anyways. At least the water was pleasant, that was a plus. Thankfully, Lassoo needed washing, so I didn't need to look up without reason.

I did, however, glance up when Sanji asked a very specific question, to which Cobra gave an honest answer.

I raised my eyebrow at the king in disbelief as most of the other guys started to scale the wall. "Seriously? Just like that? Your _daughter_ is over that wall."

"Indeed, your highness! What are you thinking!?" Igaram pleaded desperately.

Cobra gave the Captain of his guard a flat look. "I'm thinking that I have been a single man for nearly two decades and that there is a rather attractive red-headed young lady on the other side of this wall."

Igaram froze as he processed that statement before swallowing heavily and following his king. "G-good point, sire. In fact, I-I shall accompany you. S-so as to ensure that you don't fall, o-of course."

"C'mon, Cross!" Luffy chimed in from where he was starting to climb up the dividing wall. "When you're in a bath like this, it's either to swim or peep, right?"

"IT'S NEITHER! AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'VE EVER BEEN IN A BATH LIKE THIS BEFORE? MY CULTURE HAS DIFFERENT SENSIBILITIES ABOUT PRIVACY!" I roared indignantly.

"And yet, you're givin' me a bath buck-naked," Lassoo noted before giving himself a hard shake, tossing off the suds I'd managed to lather up on him.

I spat and hacked as I got the suds out of my face before glaring at him. "Yeah, well, when in Rome… Mariejois, Alabasta, wherever. Point is, the name of the game is adapting to the local culture. Now do me a favor and _stop moving,_ will you!?"

While I wrestled with the dog, most everyone else climbed the dividing wall. Upon reaching the top, they stared over the edge for a few moments until…

"HAPPINESS PUNCH!"

 _SPLURT!_

They fell back in a cascade of nasal blood, splashing into the water.

I observed them flatly for a moment before raising my voice so that I could be heard on the other side. "Either you're sporting something _really_ impressive there, Nami, or these guys are _pathetic!_ "

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING PATHETIC, CROSS!?" Sanji roared as he splashed to his feet.

"You, swirly brow," Zoro rolled his eyes with a scoff, thankfully diverting the cook's attention from me as the two got into a… well, not a brawl, the current conditions didn't allow for that, but a controlled duel at least.

"Why don't you come on up and find out, Cross?" Nami called over in half-sultry, half-faux-saccharine voice.

"Three reasons, Nami!" I shouted back with a roll of my eyes. "Primo, one hundred thousand? _Waaaay_ too rich for my blood."

"But I'm wo~rth i~t!"

"Oh, I _doubt_ that!" Zoro scoffed.

" _ **HEYO!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

"SCREW YOU TWO!"

"Secundo!" I continued nonetheless. "One of the most important rules in the man code: _don't_ stick it in crazy!"

" _EXCUSE ME!?"_

"That look you get in your eyes at the thought of a payday is _nowhere_ near sane! You need _help,_ woman!"

"HA! You're saying _you're_ sane!?"

" _Fu-u-uck_ no," I scoffed. "We're all cracked in the head, I'm just sane enough to admit it!"

"Tsk…"

"And tertio—!"

" _What language_ **is** _ **that?"**_ Soundbite inquired.

"I dunno, Italian? I'm mostly just making it up as I go along," I shrugged. "Anyways, tertio: another, even _more_ important rule in the man code."

"What, only if the carpets match the drapes?" Nami asked, her voice distinctly peeved by this point.

"Close," I countered with a scoff. "Don't stick it in friends."

 _That_ got a stunned silence.

"I—wait, what?" Nami stammered, obviously caught flat-footed.

"You heard me!" I reiterated. "I've got too much respect for you, too much emotional investment. I'm not willing to risk it all on something as monumentally stupid as peeking on you, or anything else like it for that matter. That enough of a reason for you?"

Silence reigned for a few moments; most of the guys on this side were looking at me in surprise, Sanji was nodding approvingly, and Zoro was giving me a look of what I presumed and hoped was respect.

Finally, Nami spoke up again. "I… Cross, that is… really a remarkable attitude. Do… do you think you could come up on the wall for a moment?"

"I won't pay for entrapment, woman!" I called up in exasperation.

"JUST GET THE HELL UP THERE, WILL YOU!?"

I winced and dug my finger in my ear. "Alright, alright, geeze! Damn banshee, swear I'm gonna get tinnitus…" I got up and made my way to the wall, eyeing it warily before starting to climb. "If I fall and break my neck, I swear that I'm suing your ass for every Beri you're worth!"

" _I'll testify, I'll testify!"_ Soundbite eagerly chimed in.

Finally, I reached the top of the partition and looked over. "Alright, I'm here, what do you—?"

"HAPPINESS CONSOLATION PRIZE!"

FWISH!

" _NAMI!?"_ Vivi screamed in embarrassment.

My eyes snapped wide in shock as I took in the sight before me, my mind stalling as it tried to come up with a valid response.

" _ **HUBBAH HUBBAH!"**_ Soundbite hooted at the top of his lungs.

 _That_ jolted my mouth to say the _first_ thing that came to mind. "Soooo… Vivi… is that natural or are you _really_ dedicated with the dye, or—?"

" _JACKASS!"_

 _KLUNK!_

"GAGH!" I yelped, clutching my head in pain as a stool cracked off my forehead. Only too late did I realize that I'd been doing it with _both_ hands. "Oh _shitshitshit—!"_

SPLASH!

"…owie… medic?"

 **-o-**

"For the last time, that was _not_ my fault! I was freaking blindsided!" I roared, crossing my arms as I stood my ground in the bedroom the crew had moved to after the scene at the baths.

"But you were still _thinking_ it, and that's bad enough!" Vivi shot back with equal vehemence. "Do you have _any_ idea how inappropriate that is!?"

"I was _curious!_ Come on, that is _not_ a natural color where I'm from, how the hell was I supposed to know one way or the other except by asking, huh!?"

"You don't ask about that, _ever!_ I swear, I have never met such a—!"

"Girls, girls," Nami calmly interjected as she placed her hands on our shoulders, trying to separate us. "You're both pretty, now do you think you could please knock it the hell off?"

Vivi and I broke our glaring match in favor of snarling at her instead. "You're the cause of this in the first place!" we growled in synch.

Nami shrank back hesitantly in the face of our ire, a twitching smile plastered on her face. "I, ah, just wanted to give Cross a _reward_ for his chivalry, you know? A gift from the goodness of my heart, is that so wrong!?"

"Even if I _did_ believe you had a heart, I am a confident male who actually _respects_ women! Why the _hell_ would I want that as a freaking reward!?" I snapped in aggravation.

"Ehh…" Nami looked away nervously. "Whoopsy? Guess it's a good thing I'm not charging you for that, huh?"

" _Why the hell would you be charging him for looking at_ me!?" Vivi screeched indignantly.

"Gergh…" Nami choked uncomfortably.

"Girls, girls, you're all pretty," Usopp interjected as he tried to butt in…

SLAM!

And got two fists upside his chin for his troubles.

"STAY OUT OF THIS, DUMBASS!" the girls roared.

"Ow…"

"I'm starting to get way too much hands-on experience with concussions…" Chopper muttered as he ambled over to Usopp.

"Oh, don't worry about those," Luffy cut in. "Grandpa said they don't have any side effects."

I slapped my hand to my forehead, _hard_ , as I heard that, all thoughts of full-frontal Vivi pushed to the back of my mind. "If that crazy old man actually believes that, it explains _so_ much…"

"Believes what?" Luffy blinked in confusion, tilting his head to the side.

I parted my fingers just enough for me to stare at Luffy in disbelief when a knock came from the bedroom door. There was a brief pause before Cobra poked his head through. "Is this a bad time?"

"Yes," Vivi, Nami, and I chorused through gritted teeth, as politely as we could.

"NO," Chopper, Zoro, Lassoo and Usopp shot back even more firmly.

"My apologies, it's just that… Mister Jeremiah, was it your birthday recently?"

I blinked at the non-sequitur and mentally reviewed what date it was before blinking in surprise. "Huh… well, now that you mention it, my birthday _is_ coming up at the end of the month. Why do you ask?"

Cobra stepped into the room, revealing that Igaram was just behind him and holding a gift box in his hands, a cube wrapped in a black-and-white checkerboard wrapping paper with a bow on top that was the same dirty blond color as my hair. I blinked in confusion as I tried to process what I was looking at. "The hell? I mean, not that I don't appreciate it, but…"

"THAT LOOKS _like my_ **shell!** " Soundbite piped up.

"Yeeeaaah…" I nodded in agreement. "Overall, it's a bit… _unexpected?"_ I shot a significant look at Nami and Zoro, whose eyes widened in shock and understanding.

"It's not from us, Cross; one of the solder— _ahem_ , mah-mah- _MAH!_ One of the soldiers found it in the remnants of the palace gardens," Igaram explained with a concerned frown. "Oddly enough, it… appeared to be _inside_ the remains of the statue of the Falcon Guardian before it was destroyed. The tag marked it as being for you, but the sender only left their initials. I don't suppose you know anyone whose name begins with…?"

I took the box from him and looked it over… and promptly paled in horror as I read the tag, almost dropping the box from my numb fingers.

"B.R.O.B." I breathed weakly.

"Who's that, Cross?" Luffy asked concernedly, no doubt seeing the look on my face.

"You remember when I said I came here because of a divine force well beyond human comprehension?" I asked nervously, holding the box as far out from me as I could get it. "B.R.O.B., they're not initials, they're an _acronym._ R.O.B. stands for Random Omnipotent Being."

"And… the first B?" Sanji asked warily.

I promptly split my lips in a snarl as I got my wits about me, digging my fingers into the box's paper. "Considering how this _thing_ ripped me from my home without so much as a how-do-you-do? _Bastard. Bastard_ Random Omnipotent Being. Even Soundbite looks like a freaking saint compared to _its_ sense of humor."

" _Ulp…_ " Soundbite swallowed uncomfortably.

For a brief moment, I _really_ considered just tossing the damn thing out a window, but eventually I settled for placing it on a nearby bedtable and starting to work the wrapping paper off.

Everyone else, save for Luffy, Zoro, and, after some hesitation, Nami, stepped back and gave me a wide berth as I opened the package. I scrabbled against the stupidly resilient paper without success for a moment before almost slapping myself in realization. I took ahold of the two tassels of the intricate ribbon, took a deep breath… and pulled.

The ribbon promptly snapped undone, and the four sides of the box collapsed outwards, revealing the contents hidden within. I stared for a few seconds…before blinking as I actually processed what I was seeing. It was a black metallic box with chrome borders, several small knobs and switches on the front, two small screens on one side and a larger screen built into the top. Attached to an outlet on the front was a microphone that resembled the ones used for adult Transponder Snails. I blinked again, finally making the connection that it looked like a ham radio transceiver before looking around the room. Most of them were looking at it in uncomprehending curiosity… except Cobra, who looked thoroughly poleaxed.

"You know what this is, Father?" Vivi asked.

"Yes, I do," the king nodded promptly as he looked the machine over. "And I think you might want to revise your opinion on whoever this being is, Mister Jeremiah. That device is a piece of technology developed by the genius Vegapunk that the World Government outlawed, destroying all the models and prototypes as soon as he invented it; I don't think that they even kept one for themselves. It's a Snail Transceiver, designed to amplify the natural capabilities of Transponder Snails. Normally, Transponder Snails are only capable of connecting with one other member of their species at a time, and even the Adults need to relay with one another to make inter-Blue calls. That device removes those limits completely; presuming it works as Vegapunk claimed—and going by his track record, I have no doubt it does—you could use it to connect to every other Transponder Snail in the world at once, bar an exceptional few."

Silence fell. Then every jaw in the room besides Cobra's fell as we processed the sheer _scale_ of what he'd just said.

Then Soundbite began cackling.

" _ **HAHAHAHAHA!**_ **Still think** _I'm a bastard?_ " he crowed with a grin.

All attention snapped to the snail as his expression morphed from cocky to infuriated. " _ **PLAGIARIST!**_ **KNOCK IT OFF,** _THAT'S MY SCHTICK!_ "

And then just like that he was back to cocky. "YOU THINK _you can get_ **a copyright** _ **in this hellhole**_ **OF A WORLD?** _ **GOOD LUCK!"**_

And once more Soundbite's expression shifted, becoming flat-out freaked. "HELP!"

Putting the pieces together, I snarled at Soundbite. Or rather, I snarled at the entity using Soundbite as its sockpuppet. "What's the big idea, giving me something like this? Some sick reward for putting on a good show for you!?"

The snail's expression morphed into a look of superior indifference before he scoffed and spoke in a voice apropos for a bratty teenage girl.

" _Well, that's not very nice, especially seeing how I'm granting_ your _request._ "

"WITHOUT EVEN GIVING ME A CHANGE OF CLOTHES?! A FUCKING _CHOICE!?_ " I yelled indignantly.

" _Not that request, dumbass!_ " B.R.O.B. drawled, the snail rolling his eyes before his expression morphed into a grimace and he spoke in my voice. " _If I live through this, I had better have some damn good form of compensation coming my way, BECAUSE YOU FUCKING OWE ME!_ "

I stared at the snail in flat-footed shock as his face and voice morphed back to the obnoxious persona they'd been employing. " _So, yeah, you managed to survive up to this point, and without even taking any life-threatening injuries, to boot! Well, other than giving yourself a, shall we say, 'full-cleanse' after Little Garden. Which, I have to say, was_ hilarious! _And… I_ suppose _that you have a point about robbing you of an easy chance to save hundreds of lives just so I could watch you squirm trying to save as many as you could with just your own insignificant brawn. But hey, it's not like anybody_ really _important died, so no big whoop! Ah-ah-ah, don't even think about it, princess! Wouldn't want to hurt the little slimeball,_ would you?"

I snapped my eyes up to Vivi, who looked to be about two seconds away from wringing Soundbite's body.

" _And that goes for the rest of you, too… unless you want a taste of what Jerry goes through whenever he eats a biscuit, hmmm?_ " B.R.O.B. sang.

The good news is that the sudden pallor that everyone in the room adopted seemed to distract them from the embarrassing nickname. The bad news was that judging by the haughty scoff that followed, we weren't done yet.

" _So, yeah, you asked for compensation? Here's something a few hundred times more dangerous than a Golden Transponder Snail when used right for you to play with. So, unless you can seriously tell me that you're not enjoying your stay here…?_ "

I remained silent, and Soundbite's puppeteer made him grin cheekily.

" _That's what I thought. At this point, you owe me more than I owe you, so don't expect any more favors from me before your future knowledge runs out."_

"But… but I don't get it!" I protested desperately. "How-how is this thing supposed to be dangerous? Like, at all!? I mean, it's just a communications device! Unless it amps Soundbite's natural abilities—!"

" _Geez, you really_ are _a dumbass, aren't you?"_ B.R.O.B. sighed wearily. " _Well, just to hurry my entertainment along, let me give you a hint: Madness is an STD."_ The gastropod's grin was nearly splitting his head at this point. " _It's the gift that just. Keeps. On. Giving. Better figure it out nice and fast, else I could get bored…"_

Suddenly, the gravity in the room seemed to _triple,_ nearly bringing me and everyone else in the room to our knees.

" _ **And we wouldn't want that, would we, now? Hehehehe—!"**_

"HEY!"

Without any warning, Luffy was standing in front of the transceiver, mic off its cradle and held to his mouth, completely unaffected by the gravity increase.

Soundbite's eyestalk cocked curiously. " _Ooooh? The King-to-be has something to say? What do you want, O would-be ruler? Something to ask about the present or past? You wouldn't care about the future… would you, now?"_

Luffy's expression was hidden by the brim of his hat as he stared at the mic silently for a moment before speaking. "You're the Mystery Bastard who stole Cross from his home?"

The entity blinked Soundbite's eyes in surprise before grinning cockily. " _Yeah, that's me. Why? What about it? And just FYI, I'd suggest you not do anything stupid, kid. You're impressive, sure, but I'm_ way _above your weight—!"_

Before the higher being could finish speaking, Luffy snapped his head up, revealing a down-and-out _apoplectic_ expression on his face.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY CREW!" he snarled furiously before _slamming_ the mic back in its cradle. The transceiver wasn't harmed, but the table and the floor beneath it? _Those_ cracked, and violently at that.

The effect was instantaneous: the gravity increase disappeared utterly, and Soundbite sagged with a sigh of relief.

" _ **I've had**_ TRIPS _from eating_ **alfalfa** _ **BEFORE.**_ _NOTHING_ **compared to** THAT!"

"Did not like, did not like…" Lassoo whimpered, pressing himself low fearfully.

"Still, that gravity thing _could_ have been useful for training…" Zoro mused as he rolled his muscles before looking at me. "Hey, Cross—!"

"That Devil Fruit is already in the hands of or will go to a Marine, and a damn good one too, both morally and combat-wise, so _no,"_ I shot back, mirroring his motions but with _much_ more difficulty. God _damn,_ that hurt.

"I take back what I said, Mister Jeremiah. Your opinion of that being was… fully accurate," Cobra groaned. He'd taken it almost the worst of us all, having been laid out flat. "I'll doubtless be feeling _this_ for awhile…"

"Cross, your future knowledge isn't going to run out anytime soon, right?" Nami asked hastily. "We're not going to hear from that… that _thing_ again for a long time coming, right?"

"Don't worry, don't worry, we've got…" I thought it over for a bit before shaking my hand contemplatively. "Upwards two years, maybe more with travel time. Either way, with any luck we won't get any other 'social calls' for a good long while."

"But what did it mean about madness… being an STD? The gift that kept on…?" Chopper asked curiously.

"It's a saying from my…" I was about to say country, glancing at Igaram and Cobra, but I eventually sighed in defeat and massaged my forehead. "From my _world._ If I got its gist, it was saying that madness is… infectious." I contemplated that for a moment before shaking my head. "Yeah, not a clue. For now…" I looked at Soundbite. "Do you think you can test it out, see if it—?"

" _Uhhh…"_ Soundbite concentrated for a moment before shaking his head. " **YEAH,** _I GOT_ **nothin'."**

I glanced at him in shock before looking the machine over… and groaning as I saw the problem. I flicked a switch on the side, causing the device to light up before glancing at the snail again. "And now?"

A moment's concentration… then jubilation. "THIS IS _USEFUL_!" The next second he was scowling furiously. " _ **But USELESS!**_ "

I blinked in surprise. "Excuse me? Useful but use—?"

" _ **I CAN REACH**_ _out and_ **touch them all!…** _ **or none at all. NO IN-BETWEEN!**_ "

I grimaced as I processed the implications. Yeah, I could see how that would be… constricting, to say the least. "Well, I suppose we'll just have to puzzle it out later."

"Wait, you're not _actually_ taking that thing with you, are you!?" Usopp demanded. "I mean, after what that thing just did—!"

"After what it just did," I quickly interrupted. "I think we have more than enough reason to not just toss this thing away. I don't _like_ it, but like as not, it held up its end of whatever bargain it thinks we made. Everything it did after, it did on its own time, completely mutually exclusive. So, for now…" I patted the machine's casing. "We hold onto this, if only for the hell of it. Alright?"

"Excuse me, guard?"

I looked back at Igaram in surprise, who had beckoned a guard into the room and then indicated me. "Escort Cross to the firth— _ahem,_ mah-mah- _MAH!_ Escort Cross to the first floor of the royal storage, and allow him to take a vessel to carry that device in. And while he's doing that…"

He turned to the rest of the crew. "I think it's high time you all informed us exactly who your friend is."

"Uh..." Lassoo raised his paw uncomfortably. "Me too, please. I wanna know what I'm getting into here."

I swallowed heavily before bowing briefly. "Thanks for your generosity, and I apologize for getting you into this situation," I said before following the guard.

I once again had the privilege of enjoying the palace's architecture as I followed my guide towards the kitchen area. The larder contained a spiral staircase, and following it down revealed a gargantuan room. I couldn't help but gape, and the guard chuckled at my expression.

"A country as ancient as ours picks up a lot over the years, Mister Cross. The first floor you see here is generic items such as storage devices, surplus hygiene items, replacements for vases, even firearms and weapons are kept here. The second floor, however, has much more valuable treasures; typically, only Captain Igaram, General Chaka, Lord Pell, and the royal family are allowed to set foot down there. Even among the royal guards, few have seen it."

I whistled in awe as I looked around. "Yeah, well, considering what your ancestors stocked up in the bedrock of this place? Yeah, _not_ surprising."

"Well, would it surprise you to find out that there's a third level?"

I glanced back at the guard, who averted his eyes with a sly grin.

"Of course, we're not permitted to speak about it, but _someone_ might tell you that we keep the most priceless and valuable treasures of Alabasta there, such as—"

"Ey ey ey!" I warded him off with a raised hand. "I appreciate the friendliness and all that, but secrets are secret for a reason. The less people who know, the less chance it could leak out, alright?"

The guard considered for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Fair enough, fair enough. Now then, Captain Igaram said you needed—?"

"Something that I can carry _this_ around in," I answered, holding up the transceiver for him to see. "Something with easy access to it, so that I can reach it at all times."

"Hmm…" the guard mused as he rifled through a nearby crate. "Should it be heavy duty? Wouldn't want your device busting open, would you?"

I gave the guy a flat look before raising the transceiver and repeatedly _ramming_ it against a pillar, all to no effect. "The... _individual_ that supplied me with this device doesn't like it when their toys break. My _hand_ is more hurt than this thing is," I deadpanned. "Trust me, this thing getting damaged is the _last_ thing on my mind."

The guard stared in shock before slowly nodding. "Alright, then… oh, here! How about this?" He withdrew what appeared to be a nicely constructed messenger bag made out of canvas, complete with a solid shoulder strap and a firm-looking buckle for the flap. "Seem like it'd fit?"

"Hmm…" I took the bag and gave it a once-over before slipping the transceiver in, microphone facing forwards, before slipping the bag over my shoulder. I hefted the weight a few times before nodding my head side to side. "Feels good to me. Soundbite?"

Soundbite gave the bag a once-over before whistling in approval. "SEEMS _**snazzy TO ME!"**_

"Then this is the bag for me," I nodded confidently. "Thanks a lot, sir. Now, if you could just get to the main corridor, I think that I can make my way back to the room on my own."

The guard nodded, shooting a furtive, longing glance towards the staircase heading down to the next level, before shaking his head and marching back to and up the spiral staircase.

Let me tell you, it was a lot less fun going up than heading down, and while I wasn't huffing and puffing once we reached the kitchen, my legs were burning. We soon made our way back into the maze of twists and turns called Alabasta Royal Palace. It was a bit confusing, admittedly, but Soundbite was able to give a general direction for me to go in.

"So," I started curiously. "Any thoughts on how we can use our little windfall? Global eavesdropping, maybe?"

Soundbite considered that for a moment before shaking his head. " **Uh-uh.** _ **To make the**_ _connection, I have_ TO CALL THEM, **AND THEY'LL ALL RING.** _NOT SUBTLE._ **Plus, I'm not** RECEIVING, _I'm transmitting._ IF I WANT _**anything from them,**_ **they have to call ME** _while I'm doing it._ "

"Well, that's annoying..." I tsked. "And… any forms of amplification for _your_ capabilities?"

The Baby Snail clicked his tongue negatively. "ACTUALLY TRIED _**that with Pinkie**_ _and the Brain._ **NADA.** _I GUESS IT JUST DOESN'T—Puru puru puru puru!—GAH!"_

I jumped in shock when Soundbite suddenly started shaking and humming repetitively. "What the—!? Are you getting a call?!"

" **SEEMS LIKE—** _Puru puru puru puru!—_ _ **Well, that's**_ ANNOYING."

I blinked in confusion as a thought occurred to me. "Wait, how—? Who even has your _number?_ I don't remember giving it out to anyone."

Soundbite, on the other hand, glanced away with a shifty look.

I pinned the snail with a glare. "Soooundbiiiite… what are you not telling me?"

"I-IT WAS **while—** _Puru puru puru puru!—_ _ **you were all**_ _unconscious._ **She was desperate** _AND I DIDN'T_ SEE THE HARM—!"

" _She?_ " I promptly demanded with a sinking feeling. I knew who was on the other line.

Rather than dig himself any deeper, Soundbite instead jerked himself upright with a prominent " _KA-LICK!"_ The next moment, his expression sank, his eyestalks and mouth drooping with a great depression, almost as though someone had killed his, or rather _her,_ dog.

" _Cross,"_ Soundbite mumbled in a familiar voice, albeit with an unfamiliar tone.

"Officer Tashigi," I nodded respectfully, trying to keep my expression neutral.

Soundbite—and thus Tashigi—flinched self-consciously. " _It's… it's actually Ensign now…"_ she muttered dejectedly, the words sounding as thick as tar as they came from her mouth. She was silent for a moment longer before hanging her head lower still. " _I… I'm so sorry, Cross. We… we didn't know, there was nothing we could_ do—!"

"It's fine, it's fine," I waved her off casually. "I'll be honest, this isn't really a surprise. Hell, I saw it coming!"

Tashigi jerked in shock. " _Wait, wha—!? Y-you did?"_ she demanded in confusion. " _B-but then, how are you not mad o-or concerned or—!?"_

"Because it was the obvious outcome of course!" I explained without a care in the world. "Do you really think that the _World Government_ would attribute the downfall of a traitorous member of the Warlords to _pirates?_ They'd sooner arrest a World Noble."

" _Uh… wait…"_ Tashigi blinked, presumably surprised by something I'd said. " _Wait… just to confirm, what are you—?"_

I gave her a confused look. "Uh… you and Smoker's promotions and Luffy and Zoro's bounties, duh. Look, you really shouldn't concern yourself, we're pirates, we don't expect any praise, Vivi's happiness is more than reward enough. And as for those two, _please,_ they'll be _happy!_ We pirates use our bounties to keep score more than anything else! Heck," I grinned as I pointed my thumb at myself. " _I_ can't wait for me to get my bounty! A badass moniker, my name heard around the world, what's not to love for a person who's already forsaken the way of the law?"

The silence from Tashigi was deafening, and I could feel an awkward tension starting to build.

"Uh, Tashigi?" I tried hesitantly. Geeze, what was her deal?

The Marine officer was staring at me with a stricken expression, her mouth open but nothing coming out. " _C-Cross, I-I—!"_

"CROSS!"

"GAH!" I jumped in shock when a vaguely familiar voice piped up behind me. Whirling around, I noticed that I'd come to a stop in front of a nice and open window, and standing on the sill of that window was… an albatross wearing a paperboy cap with a parcel under his wing? The hell—?

I started in shock as I noticed the scars on his underbelly. "Coo?" I asked in confusion. "Are… you the News Coo I met after Little Garden?"

"Yup, that's me!" The albatross saluted. "News Coo 1851. Nice to see you again, Cross!"

" _THE FEATHER-RAT!?"_ Soundbite—really Soundbite—barked in shock.

I shot an offended look at him. "What the blue hell is your deal!? Seriously!"

Soundbite returned my glare evenly. "DO YOU _**know what**_ **THESE** _bastards EAT!?"_

I blinked in confusion for a moment, before slowly widening my eyes in understanding. "Oooooh…"

"H-hey, we don't eat _Transponders!"_ the out-of-uniform bird squawked indignantly. "Only normal ones, and only sometimes!"

" **SO IT'S** _OKAY TO_ SOMETIMES _**EAT MY FREAKING COUSINS!?"**_

"Eeehhh…" Coo trailed off uncomfortably.

" _C-Cross? Cross, what's going on?"_

I winced as a foreign voice came from Soundbite's mouth. Right, forgot about her. "Ah, sorry Off— _Ensign_ Tashigi, I'm afraid I've got another priority on my end. Hold, please!" I gave Soundbite a curious look. "You can do that, right?"

" _No no no, Cross, wai—KLOCK!"_ Soundbite clicked his tongue before Tashigi could finish.

"There we go," I nodded before looking back at Coo curiously. "So, what brings you out here to Alabasta, Coo? And… why are you out of uniform?"

I was _really_ starting to get tired of people suddenly getting worried around me all of a sudden.

"I-I-I, l-look, Cross…" Coo hedged uncomfortably, obviously nervous. "I-I'm doing this… I'm doing this because you were nice to me and-and-and in my line of work that's really rare and, well, animals talk and I've been hearing that you're all getting a raw deal and—!"

"Coo!" I interrupted. "What the heck are you talking about?"

The bird swallowed heavily as he glanced around, confirming that we were alone before tossing the parcel he was holding to me. "You didn't get this from me, _burn it_ when you're done." And before I could ask him anything further he flew out of the window, tearing into the sky.

I stared after him in dumbfounded shock for a second before giving Soundbite a confused look. "Am I the only one sensing a pattern here?"

" _Noooope,"_ Soundbite shook his head solemnly.

"That's what I was afraid of…" I sighed as I unwrapped the parcel. I then stared at what I was holding. I was expecting a lot of things, but this? "Did… I just get some kind of blackmarket newspaper or something?"

Soundbite looked it over before jerking his eyestalks out in shock. "TRY THE _future!_ _ **Look at the date!**_ "

Indeed, Soundbite was right: the newspaper was dated _tomorrow._

"Well, that's weird…" I glanced out at the sky, where the sun was only just starting to descend. "It must have been printed early for some reason… they want it out immediately, maybe?"

"IT'S THREE DAYS _after Crocodile_ _ **fell,**_ **what could** _BE SO IMPORTANT,_ _ **US?"**_

"I doubt it…" I was silent for a second before shrugging and unfolding the paper. "Well, only one way to find out. Now, then, let's see here…"

Overall, the headlines were... pretty tame, honestly. The Barto Club Pirates had attacked an island and earned Bartolomeo another bounty bump; Law, Bonney and Hawkins had all just entered the Grand Line scene and were making names for themselves; the Revolutionaries were operating here or there; rumors of the black-marketeer Joker a little everywhere; Big Mom did _something_ in the West Blue… overall, some of this stuff was interesting, sure, but nothing truly scandalous.

"Come on, I don't have all day…" I huffed as I shifted to a new page… and paused in surprise at the sound of paper fluttering to the floor. Glancing down revealed some familiar brown, wrinkly sheets of paper.

"Huh, bounties…" I mused, leaning down to pick them up. I promptly grinned as I saw the faces on them. "Ah, these are _our_ bounties! Heh, sweet, Luffy and Zoro are going to be—!" I stopped as I noticed something.

Only two of ours had bounties…

But there were _three_ papers.

So then, who…?

I slowly flipped over the third bounty poster—

And I felt my veins freeze over.

For the longest time, I… I just _stared_ , trying to reconcile what I was seeing, this impossible, _impossible_ sight before me, with reality. Then, I slowly turned to look at Soundbite, who had an equally horrified expression.

"Put Tashigi back through," I said, with all the calmness of a shallow grave.

Soundbite nodded mutely, his expression shifting to a different brand of concern.

" _Cross—?"_

"If you don't tell me exactly what I expect you to tell me," I cut the Ensign off, my voice and countenance on par with dry ice. "Then I swear that I will lose _all_ faith in you, in the Marine Corps, and in any other individual _stupid_ enough to pledge themselves to your _twisted_ sense of Justice."

Tashigi gaped at me for a moment before steeling her expression and glaring at me with unshed tears in her eyes. " _There is no Justice in what's been done here, Cross,"_ she whispered solemnly. " _Not even I'm that blind."_

And so she said it. She _confirmed it._

She confirmed it… and I _ran._

I ran the full distance to the room we were using before slamming the doors open, cutting off the conversation that was no doubt going on. And the second everyone saw the state I was in, they straightened up.

I took a moment to pant and regain my breath before looking up, a combination of panic, rage and misery painted on my face.

"We have a problem."

 **-o-**

"Smoker, I don't see why you, of all people, are taking the word of a pirate over the Government. I know that the promotions were underhanded, but they did bring up valid points. Confused, Hina's confused," growled the eponymous captain of the Black Cage Formation as she paced back and forth on the upper deck of her ship, watching as her men scrambled to repair the ship that the Strawhats had fired upon in their escape.

"Valid my ass," Smoker scowled as he huffed out enough smoke for a coal plant, already reaching for another cigar even as his current one was steadily reduced to ash. "The last thing that fast-talking brat said to me was that before we left this island, I'd see the Straw Hat Pirates as more righteous than our superiors. The promotions alone were probably enough to prove him right. But _this_? They couldn't have mutilated Justice more if they killed Crocodile in captivity and told the world that the Straw Hats tried to take over the country."

"So, what are you trying to say, Smoker?!" Hina hotly demanded. "Are you saying that you've lost faith in Justice? In the Marines!?"

"No."

The captain and the commodore looked up in surprise at the interruption.

"Ensign," Smoker nodded solemnly.

"Commodore," Tashigi nodded back before shooting a determined glare at Hina. "And to answer your question, Captain, the answer is… ambiguous. We still believe in what we're doing, we believe in our mission, and we believe that there _is_ Justice in the world…" She gestured out at the sandy continent the battleships were floating off of. "But this isn't just. This isn't _Justice._ We can't pretend to not see it, not any longer." She turned back to Hina. "Can you?"

Hina remained silent, her expression unreadable as she processed the shift in the girl's demeanor before blowing out a cloud of smoke from her cigarette. She then opened her mouth to reply—

" _Don don don don!"_

And nearly bit through her cigarette in shock as a sound rang out over the deck. "What in the world—?"

" _Don don don don!"_

Tashigi glanced around for a second as she tried to locate the noise before opening the door to the inside of the ship. She took one look inside before looking back out with a shocked expression. "I'm sorry, but have either of you _ever_ heard a Transponder Snail make that noise before? Because—!"

" _Don don don don!"_

"Bring it out here, now," Smoker ordered.

A minute later and the snail was outside and situated on a lonesome crate, lazily looking over the trio before jittering wide awake with yet another " _Don don don don!"_

"…How much do you want to bet that Cross is behind this?" Tashigi deadpanned.

"Only a born sucker would take that action," Smoker snorted flatly.

"So, what do we do now, hm?" Hina asked as she eyed the snail. "Hina is curious, but this could also be a trap. Conflicted, Hina is _very_ conflicted…"

Smoker promptly put an end to his comrade's conflict by picking up the speaker.

"Smoker!"

"We're already talking crazy, might as well act it too," the newly-promoted commodore grunted.

The Transponder Snail, meanwhile, had shifted its expression into a semi-cocky smile.

" _Hello? Testing, testing, one-two-three, can you hear me?"_

 **-o-**

" _Hmm… well, these two seem to be getting it alright, so hopefully that means that this thing is working. No other real way to tell…"_

"Who's that calling you, Makino?" Mayor Woop Slap asked, his stern features marred by curiosity.

"I have no idea," the kindly barkeeper replied as she looked her snail over. "Bluey here started making a strange noise, and then—"

" _Well! Might as well bite the bullet and get started! Helloooo, people of the world, from the North Blue to the South and everywhere in-between! My name is Jeremiah Cross! Chances are you haven't heard of me, buuut that's no surprise, seeing how I haven't been a pirate for long and I don't have a bounty yet!"_

"A pirate!?" Woop Slap barked, leaping up and trying to grab for the speaker. Makino tugged it out of the mayor's reach with a frown.

"Now, Mayor, really! Let the man speak, it's only right that we at least hear what he has to say! And besides, you're being ridiculous! Not all pirates are evil, just look at—!"

" _I imagine that pirate comment freaked a bunch of you out, huh? Yeah, I don't blame you. But, just for the record, I'm not like other pirates, none of my crew is! Allow me to reintroduce myself in a more specific manner: I'm Jeremiah Cross, third mate, tactician, communications officer and now I guess public relations officer of the Straw Hat Pirates! A mouthful and a lot of responsibility, I know, but what can I say? We're not exactly the biggest crew around."_

Makino started in shock before giving the less-than-enthused Woop Slap a brilliant smile.

"Did you hear that, Mayor? This man—!"

 **-o-**

"He's on Luffy's crew, he's on Luffy's crew!" Rika cheered, drawing everyone's attention to the bartop, civilian and Marine alike.

"I knew he was a resourceful young man, but this is ridiculous," Ririka muttered to herself.

"Uh, Ririka, Rika?" Captain Ripper spoke up uneasily as he pointed at the snail. "I realize that it's… nice to hear that 'your friend' is doing alright. I'm happy too, to an extent, but…"

The adult barkeeper put her hands on her hips and glared at the Marine. "You want us to hang up."

"No, you can't!" Rika cried desperately, grasping the Captain's pants leg. "This is the first we've heard of Luffy in weeks! You can't—!"

" _Now, I imagine that a lot of people out in the world are freaking out because I'm a pirate and ten-to-one, the Marines are most likely going to try and outlaw this broadcast. And when someone gets caught doing something the Marines don't like, you can bet your bottom beri they're most likely going to take a bullet in the head for it._ "

Everyone stared at the snail, and then turned their eyes on Ripper and his men. The Marine Captain frowned heavily before tilting his cap down and sighing. "I refuse to conform to the stereotype that Morgan reinforced. But if word comes down from Marineford—!"

" _Well, fear not, O citizens of the world, for you are not alone! As of this moment, I am utilizing a device, designed for and subsequently outlawed by the Marines known as a Snail Transceiver! Simply put, this device is amplifying the capabilities of my snail, Soundbite—!"_

" _ **HELLO**_ PARTY PEOPLE! Who wants to get **freaky with me?"**

" _Devil Fruit, isn't he a charmer?—so that he can reach every other Transponder Snail in the_ world _at the same time. At this moment, I don't doubt that millions upon_ millions _of people worldwide answered their snails and are listening to this broadcast. That means that if the Marines outlaw my voice and try to silence everyone who listens or listened to it, well… simply put, I invite them to try."_

"Awesome!" Rika exclaimed, earning a quelling look from her mother. Everyone else, meanwhile, was staring at the snail, all thoughts of ignoring or ending the broadcast now gone in favor of varying degrees of curiosity and morbid fascination.

"I wonder why he's doing this, though…" Ririka mused.

 **-o-**

" _Well, anyways, I'm guessing that you're all wondering why I'm doing this broadcast, huh?"_

"Woah, that's so cool!" Pepper breathed in awe.

"He knew what I said!" Onion freaked out slightly.

"Do you think he's a mind reader or something?" Carrot gasped.

"Doubtful, but we _are_ talking about Luffy and Usopp here…" Kaya mused as she sipped her tea.

"Shoes off the couch, boys," Merry chastised as he dusted the furniture, his eyes never leaving the snail.

"Sorry, Mister Merry…" the trio muttered in chastisement.

" _Well, to answer that, let's start with the Marine's depiction of pirates in general: dishonest individuals that either can't or won't make an honest living, so they decide to band together under flags in the name of wealth and destruction. They don't care about anyone but themselves, and would sooner kill you and take everything you hold dear than do a single honest day's work to get what they want. Bottom line? According to the Marines, pirates… are monsters."_

"THAT'S A LIE!" the three ex-crewmates of the Usopp Pirates shouted defiantly.

" _And… I won't lie to you. For the most part, the Marines… well, they're right."_

"Huh!?" the trio started.

Kaya blinked in surprise as she stared at the snail. "Well, now…"

 **-o-**

" _The fact is, a lot of pirates are as the Marines described: murderers, cutthroats, bloodthirsty to a T. Far too often has a skull and crossbones been the harbinger of death and destruction for far too many. But note my language! 'For the most part,' 'a lot of'. I differ from the Marines in that I don't use absolutes. Just like how not all Marines are unilateral zealots, neither are all pirates killers!"_

"Hmph," Genzo nodded firmly as he listened. "Sounds like Luffy found someone who has a good head on his shoulders. Good! Those people needed someone with a brain onboard!"

"Besides Nami, you mean?" Nojiko teased as she poked her male role model's cheek.

"After that stunt she pulled when she left? They rubbed off on her too much," Genzo snorted, grinning despite his words before becoming serious. "And besides…"

"You worry, I know, I know…"

" _Well, the purpose of this broadcast is to display what I'm saying with gusto. My crew, and a lot of other crews like ours? We didn't set out to loo—OUCH!… alright, lemme try that again. We didn't set out to pill—OW! Sonnuva—! We didn't set out to rob people bli—! AGH! DAMN IT, WITCH, LEAVE ME ALONE, WILL YOU!?"_

Nojiko fell to her knees laughing while Genzo started trying to strangle the panicked Transponder Snail.

"SHOW SOME SHAME, WOMAN!"

" _Alright, sorry, difference of opinions from our second mate, navigator and treasurer. Let me start over…"_

 **-o-**

" _Not all crews set out to kill. Us? We set out for different dreams, sure, but we have one common denominator: adventure. We set out to see the world. Every inch, every wonder… we wanted to see it all. We want to reach the end of the Grand Line. We want to follow in Roger's footsteps. To find the One Piece… that's our dream."_

"And it's as lofty a goal as it was when they set out…but for Sanji's sake, I hope they do it!" Patty yelled.

"Of course they'll do it! That kid wrecked every big name in East Blue, and he's not slowing down!" Carne concurred, and the rest of the chefs cheered with equal exuberance.

All except for their boss, who was watching the snail with the stern expression that his employees had come to expect from him, and hadn't said a word since Cross identified which crew he was a part of.

" _Now, I imagine that the Marines will tell you otherwise, but the fact is that this dream does not necessitate bloodshed. We don't go out of our way to hurt any civilians, we don't pick fights unless we have to. In essence, we are the_ antithesis _of the pirate stereotype. And that, right there, is why I am broadcasting to you all here today, and why I will_ keep _broadcasting to you for the foreseeable future. To tell you_ our side _of the story."_

 **-o-**

" _Henceforth, whenever I feel like it, I'm going to start up this broadcast, and I'm going to speak to the world. I'm going to let the world know who we are, what we're like, how we live our lives. I'm going to let you all share in our adventures as we travel the Grand Line, and see more incredible sights than have ever been seen before."_

"BWOOOOOOH!"

"Quiet, Laboon, quiet!" Crocus waved at the Island Whale absentmindedly. "I can barely hear anything!"

" _Now, fair warning, this broadcast? It won't be for the faint of heart. And it's certainly not a call to the sea either, you can be sure of that! When we decided to come out to the Grand Line, we all made a conscious choice, a_ decision, _to willingly put our lives on the line. This ocean, this journey we're on, it's completely nuts. I mean, it is_ insane. _We've almost died more times than I can count, and while I personally find that exhilarating, there's every chance that if you try, you won't be as lucky. So, if you decide to go out to sea… then you damn well make sure that you're prepared to put your life on the line, and absolutely nothing less, you understand?… Good."_

Crocus smiled fondly as he listened to the young man's voice. Internally, he was both sad and happy.

First Strawhat, now this… this young man. Both perfect members to join the crew, sublime crewmates through and through…

Just a few years too late.

" _Now then, this broadcast, this program, it needs a name, doesn't it? Well, before you all go getting your panties in a twist, allow me to tell you the one I've already selected."_

 **-o-**

"Well, this should be good…" Mr. 5 grumbled as he leaned against the wax house's back-wall.

"Shush!" Miss Valentine hissed loudly before returning her attention back to the Transponder Snail.

" _By adhering to the laws of Keep It Simple Stupid and injecting a little bit of my own nostalgia for home, I've come up with a name that is both apropos and easy to remember. Hence, I'd like all of my current listeners—huh? What are you—? Oh, huh, I guess that's probably_ holy frick that many!? _Uh, wow. Alright, just figured out what panels shows how many people are tuned in… well, I'd like to thank my upwards of several hundred million listeners for tuning in and welcome them all to the first ever showing of the Strawhat Broadcast Station, or the SBS for short!"_

"Oh, please, that's the best he can come up with?"

"Quiet!" Miss Goldenweek chastised impatiently.

" _Now… here's the thing: for this first broadcast, I'd love to let you all listen in on the general insanity of the ship. Luffy's idiocy, Zoro and Sanji's daily fights, Usopp's tall tales, Nami's sticky fingers, Chopper's research, Soundbite's… mere existence,"_

" _ **YOU LOVE ME**_ and you know it!"

" _Sea King shit. But anyways… I'm afraid that I can't do that right now."_

"Thank God for small mercies."

"SILENCE, TINY HUMAN!" a loud voice roared as the wax shelter was shook by a violent impact. "WE ARE TRYING TO LISTEN!"

"INDEED!" another equally loud voice concurred. "EITHER QUIET YOURSELF OR FACE THE WRATH OF THE WARRIORS OF ELBAF!"

"WILL YOU MORONS SHUT UP ALREADY?!" two female voices screeched furiously.

"Sorry…" three thoroughly chastised male voices wilted.

 **-o-**

" _Currently, this first broadcast, this momentous event… is marred by tragedy. It's marred by injustice, and wrongdoing and… and as much as I want to have the usual roaring good time our crew usually has, I just can't do it. This… this is just too important._ "

"Something of enough gravity to make that cheeky brat, his loud-mouthed snail, _and_ his rubber-brained captain stop their antics? I'm surprised the world's still turning," Doctor Kureha mused.

"I'll take your word for it," Dalton remarked from next to her. "You did interact with them more. At least Chopper's doing well, from the sound of things."

"Kak kak kak, yes…" Kureha chuckled darkly.

THUNK!

The Transponder Snail nearly… voided itself when a scalpel suddenly buried itself up to the handle in the wood before it.

"He'd better be."

" _You see… three days ago, we Strawhats, we were involved in a rebellion that took place in a kingdom in the Grand Line known as Alabasta. To be specific, we helped stop that rebellion, a feat that necessitated our captain, Monkey D. 'Straw Hat' Luffy, to fight and ultimately_ defeat _the Warlord of the Seas known as Crocodile. Now, the Marines and the World Government, they're spinning their own version of these events, and honestly? We're inclined to let them. They can say whether we were there or not, they can claim credit for taking down Crocodile, we don't_ care. _We didn't do it for glory, we didn't do it honor, hell, we didn't even do it for gold, and boy did our navigator give us an earful for that. The point is, the Marines can up our bounties, they can call us criminals, that's all fine, but there's one thing that they're saying that's crossing the line. One thing, one lie… that no matter what, no matter the reasoning, no matter the ends, we cannot—_ will _not—stand for."_

 **-o-**

In a well-decorated room with broad windows, located far away from the seas and seated upon the top of the world, five old men sat and decided the fate of the millions as they listened to the words coming from the mouth of a snail.

"This is quite the troubling turn of events…" a stout, bearded man with a cane hummed darkly. "Did we not forbid and destroy all of Vegapunk's transceivers for this express purpose when it was created?"

"Indeed we did, and they were," a relatively younger man with blond hair growled as he stroked his own beard. "I can't fathom how a pirate from such a novice crew managed to acquire such a device."

"Does it truly matter?" a squat, bald man snorted, his breath ruffling his rather impressive moustache. "That device was only deemed dangerous due to the threat of it falling into the hands of the likes of the Revolutionaries. What harm could it do in the hands of a mere child?

"I would not be so quick to dismiss this individual," a tall man, a giant even, with an impressively groomed beard stated gravely. "Remember that we once ignored the threat posed by a similarly inexperienced pirate nigh twenty-two years ago. Before we knew it, he had managed to strike a blow graver than any we have ever suffered. No menace, however seemingly insignificant, may be ignored."

Before the discussion could continue, they were interrupted by the very subject of their discussion.

" _And so, without further ado, I cede my microphone to one of my dearest friends… and the victim of this heinous miscarriage of justice."_

There was a brief shuffling noise, and then Cross's voice was replaced by that of a woman.

" _People of the world. My name is Nefertari Vivi… and until today, I_ was _the heir to the throne of the Kingdom of Alabasta."_

As one, the Five Elder Stars stiffened visibly, the tall one blowing out a hard breath in the process. "I do so despise when I am proven right…"

" _For the last two years, I have dedicated my life to infiltrating the criminal organization known as Baroque Works, which was working to destroy my kingdom from the inside out, and was led by Sir Crocodile, formerly of the Seven Warlords of the Sea. For two grueling, thankless years, I sacrificed my morals in order to uncover the leader's identity, hoping to prevent a war that would undoubtedly lead to the destruction of my kingdom and my people. With the generous and selfless help of the Straw Hat Pirates, who crossed my path after I had succeeded and Crocodile learned of who I was, my mission finally bore fruit. Thanks to their efforts, I survived his best efforts to end my life and returned home, where I stopped the rebellion after hundreds of my people had already died. All I did, I did in the name of my kingdom… of my people. I did it so that I might safeguard their future. So that I might one day return home and continue to protect them with all that I am, and all that I have to give._

" _And now…"_ Nefertari was forced to pause as she took a shuddering breath before continuing, her voice charged with a myriad of emotions. " _And now, that is no longer possible. Now, I am forced to flee my kingdom, to abandon my home and my people… to run away once more, with no hope of ever returning…"_

" _... Because the World Government has unjustly and erroneously accused me of treason._ "

The eldest of the five, a bald man in a formal robe, frowned darkly as he tightened his grip on the sword he was holding, and in one swift move he jerked it out slightly so that an inch of the blade could gleam in the sun's rays.

"The threat…" he intoned gravely. "Has just become real."

 **-o-**

 **A.N. Twenty-two thousand six-hundred words. One chapter. And we just broke the 200K word threshold. Boom. Mic drop.** _ **Peace.**_


	24. Chapter 23 - Alabasta Pt 9

**Chapter 23**

 **-Approximately 12 Hours before the SBS' Premiere-**

"We have a problem."

Cobra blinked at me in confusion and concern. "What problem, Mister Jeremiah? Did that entity return, or—?"

"More importantly!" Nami interrupted. "Did you know that Mr. 2 would take our ship!? What the hell were you—?!"

"Nami," I hissed, not giving her a chance to continue. "At any other point in time, I would be cocky or sarcastic or whatever, but right now, I could _not_ be made to give a damn. Just know that for now, 2 won't hurt the Merry, alright?"

That brought the navigator up short, causing her to blink at me in shock. "Uh… okay?" she agreed hesitantly.

"Good." I moved past her and directed my furious gaze at Cobra. "And to answer your question, no, it didn't, and God help me, but this is a hell of a lot worse. This problem, or should I say _catastrophe,_ is a lot more grounded in reality." I slapped the third aberrant bounty I was carrying into his chest before stalking off to pace about furiously, only managing to keep from verbally cursing up a storm by doing it mentally. "Read."

"Ooh, is that one of our new bounties, Cross?" Luffy asked eagerly, jumping to try and look over Cobra's shoulder.

"Yes, Luffy. Our crew's total bounty has increased sevenfold. And as soon as you read that poster, you're going to find it impossible to be happy about that," I growled, kneading my forehead viciously in an attempt to alleviate the vicious pounding in my skull. Shit shit shit shit _shit_ how the hell had everything gone so sideways? And so fast to boot!?

I was vaguely aware of Cobra unfolding the paper and taking a look at it, before gasping in a myriad of emotions, the most dominant of those being shock. He would have almost certainly collapsed if not for Igaram and Vivi rushing to hold him up.

"Your highness!"

"Father!"

"No… no, this, this cannot be happening…" Cobra gasped weakly, shivering furiously as he stared at the paper he was clutching like it was his lifeline.

"Wha—?! Father? Father, what's wrong?" Vivi pleaded. "Father, whose bounty is that!?"

" **Yours.** "

All eyes snapped over to the snail on my shoulder, obviously trying to process what he'd just stated with all the life of a death knell, before going right back to the sulking he'd gotten over earlier today.

"… W-What?" Vivi finally managed to weakly stammer out.

"It's your bounty," I repeated darkly. I continued to pace as I listened to her furiously scramble to snatch the poster out of her father's hands, looking it over with just as much, if not more horror than Cobra. "'Corsair Princess' Nefertari Vivi. Wanted for the price of 55 million Beris for the crimes of treason, espionage, assassination… honestly, I think that they just threw in whatever they could think of at the time. Only Alive, oddly enough, they must want to handle you themselves." I let out a hoarse chuckle as I massaged the bridge of my nose. "It looks like they got that picture of you while you were up in the clocktower. Decent angle, impressive lighting. The Cipher Pols do good work. Do you think they have any going rates or—?"

"Cross!" Nami cut me off.

"I'm sorry, I just got legitimately _blindsided_ by something that's most likely my _direct_ fault! Pardon me for trying to keep from _breaking down here and now!"_ I snarled back with barely restrained fury.

" _Cross!_ " Zoro interjected, interposing himself between me and our navigator. "Calm down and tell us how this happened. How do you have that poster and why do you think it's your fault?"

"A News Coo I made a good impression on way back after we left Little Garden did us a huge favor and brought me tomorrow's newspaper. And how can it not be my fault? _This didn't fucking happen in the story!_ " I jabbed my finger at the still shell-shocked princess. "Vivi was going to choose to _stay!_ It was going to suck, we were going to cry and miss her, but we were going to _respect_ her choice! But now, because _I_ screwed up, because _I_ got too cocky, that's all gone _and it's all on me!"_

The room fell silent for a moment as everyone processed what I said. Finally, Cobra slowly worked his way to his feet and gave me a studiously neutral look.

"What do you think you did, Mister Jeremiah?" he asked, his tone as colorless as his expression.

I ground my teeth as I started pacing again, clutching at my temples. "Like I said, I got too cocky. Back in Nanohana, I got it into my head to taunt Smoker while he was chasing me and Luffy. I threw the fact that we were here in Alabasta as a favor to its 'heir apparent' _in his face_."

I slapped my hand to my face and ground the heel of my palm into my forehead.

"Soundbite gave Tashigi his number after the rebellion, and she called me about the same time the Coo arrived, to apologize for this. Then she filled in what happened from there: Smoker didn't know all the details at the time, so he went by the book and passed the news on to his higher-ups, who passed it up to their higher-ups, who passed it to _their_ higher-ups. And it _should_ have died there, when _instead_ it got scooped up by a Cipher Pol agent and passed straight to the top. After that…" I waved my hand helplessly. "After that, they turned it into a witch hunt. They interrogated foot soldiers, they interrogated agents… hell, they even 'questioned' Crocodile when he came to, and if you hear any sarcasm in my voice, it's on account of the fact that he sang like a canary, giving up as much intelligence as he could with the intention of dragging Vivi down with him."

"Bu-but why?" Vivi finally managed to croak out. "What possible reason could Sengoku have to—?"

"I said that this came down from the top, Vivi," I flatly interrupted. "Not their sock puppet. Be glad that they weren't around to hear you say it, because if they had, they'd shoot you where you stood, and any onlooking Marines would just compliment them on the _fine_ shot they'd made."

Most of the crew wore identical looks of confusion, but Nami, Sanji and the Alabastans stiffened in understanding.

"You can't mean—!" Sanji hissed out, his cigarette flaring up from both rage and terror while Nami gripped Vivi's shoulder as reassuringly as she could manage.

"The World Nobles," Cobra concluded grimly, dark emotions warring in his voice.

"That's what Tashigi said she heard, and I don't doubt that she heard _right_ ," I confirmed.

"Uhh…?" Chopper's head was practically on a swivel as he looked between, clearly made uneasy by the tension in the room. "Who are—?"

"The descendants ob the— _ahem_ , mah, mah, _MAH!—_ of the twenty kings who founded the World Government 800 years ago," Igaram explained gravely. "They are above all law and punishment, and the World Government bends to their every command, regardless of the senselessness."

"Luffy," I spoke up when I noticed him starting to nod along. "They're the ones who Gray Terminal was _burned_ for. One of them _personally_ tried to kill Sabo, and didn't even see so much as a _speck_ of blowback for it."

And just like that, Luffy's expression turned thunderous, a scowl on his face. " _Oh._ " That one word needed no elaboration. The next time we saw a World Noble, he or she was getting punched in the face, no ifs, ands, or buts.

"The-the Nefertaris would have been among them…" Vivi noted weakly, her mind obviously still grinding against itself in an effort to process what was happening. "But our ancestors, t-they refused to join the other 19 lines in Mariejois, they didn't want to leave Alabasta…"

"And the rest of the World Nobles have always despised us for it," Cobra growled, fire and thunder starting to creep into his expression. "They've always despised us for 'spurning' their ascension, they've always made sure to spite us at every turn they could find. It's a grudge that's festered for almost eight centuries straight. Up until now it's taken the form of petty annoyances, but this—!"

"This time I gave them an _opening_ ," I completed with just as much heat. "I gave them the chance they needed, the _chink_ in your armor that they've always been looking for! I gave them the means to _win."_

"Huh?" Usopp blinked as he tried to catch up. "What do you mean? How does a bounty—?"

"Usopp," Vivi cut him off weakly. "The only royals allowed to rule when they have bounties on their heads are those with the immunity of _Warlords._ If any other noble were to get a bounty, then they would immediately be… be…" She choked, obviously unable to get the words out.

"Delegitimized," Nami finished for her, clutching the betrayed noble as she sobbed into her shoulder.

Sanji clicked his lighter furiously as he tried to ignite a new cigarette. "Before any of you morons ask," he growled out. "That means that as far as the World Government is concerned, Vivi _can't_ take her father's place ruling Alabasta one day."

"So, the Princess isn't a Princess anymore…" Lassoo mused.

"Which means that unless Cobra takes a new wife and has a new child— and there isn't a doubt in my mind that those bastards know you wouldn't—then the Nefertari's time ruling over Alabasta will come to a screeching _stop,_ which would mean that _they win_ ," I summarized sourly.

"But-but to go that far!? Over a _grudge_ none of them were even _alive_ for!?" Usopp sputtered incredulously. "That's just—that's just insane! No sane person would ever—!"

"Exactly!" I snapped, throwing up my hands in frustration. "By any human standard, they'd make most murderous psychopaths look positively _compassionate!_ Don't ever bet on how far a World Noble is or isn't capable of going. Because I guarantee you, you will _always_ fall short of the lengths they will go to, every. Single. Time. There is no issue too petty, no slight too imagined, no complaint too insignificant, _no depths they will not sink to—!"_

CHOMP!

"GRGH!" I grunted in pain as my leg was suddenly _crunched._ Glancing down confirmed that Lassoo had started to use my leg as a chew toy.

"S'rry," he grumbled out before spitting out my leg. "But you were starting to rant like Christmas."

I clenched my fists as I mulled that statement over for a moment before letting out a lot of the venom in one harsh exhale. "The point… I was making…" I hissed out through gritted. "Is that this is _well_ within their boundaries, and not surprising in the _least_ when you know their habits."

Silence fell, broken only by Vivi's sobs, and I took the chance to calm myself down. Several minutes passed before Zoro broke the silence.

"So, what happens now?"

Cobra shook himself out of his stupor and straightened up, reasserting some measure of control over his actions. "The first thing we must do is clear." And with that, he marched up to me and placed his hands on my shoulders, forcing me to look up at him. "Do not blame yourself for this, Cross."

I froze as I tried to comprehend just what the hell I was hearing before attempting to protest. "Wh—are you _kidding me?!_ Your highness, I-I already told you, I gave them their opening! Without me, Vivi would still be fine two years from now! Without me—!"

"Then they would have attempted something equally heinous three years from now," Cobra countered. "Or ten, or twenty, or however long it took. Maybe in my lifetime or my daughter's, maybe not, but do not be mistaken: it _would_ have happened sooner or later. This is a tragedy, to be sure, but it is no more your fault than it is my daughter's. I forgive you for the small part that you had in this; I do not blame you, so you should not blame yourself."

Vivi had managed to get to her feet, and turned to look at me, her eyes red from crying. Guilt hit me like Rocketman, and I looked away.

"Vivi, I swear—"

"… You're my friend, Cross."

I snapped my gaze back at her, staring in awe as she steeled her expression and obviously fought to maintain her composure.

"I know that you would never do this on purpose," she continued. "And that you're already punishing yourself more than I ever could."

For the first time since I told the crew the truth, I felt tears spring to my eyes. "That's more than I deserve," I hiccuped gratefully.

Vivi managed a small smile at that.

"Alright, so, what's next?" Zoro asked again.

Cobra glanced back at Igaram for a moment before sighing dejectedly. "Well, I suppose it's better that the Nobles decided to act now, as opposed to waiting until a later date. After all…" He looked at Luffy before bowing his head. "At least at this moment, there is already an escape route present, and good friends and allies prepared to safeguard you."

Vivi gasped in shock as she stared at the king. "Wha—F-Father, no, I—!"

"He's right, Vivi," I interjected, wiping my forearm across my eyes. "If you stay, it's practically a foregone conclusion that the World Government will manage to capture you. From there…" I shook my head solemnly. "That 'Only Alive' isn't a good thing, Vivi, it's the final blow against your father. If they take you to Mariejois…" My mouth ran dry as I considered what few horrors Oda had allowed us to glimpse. "Then you'll be praying for either death or Impel Down, and _none of us_ want that."

"I… b-but that…" Vivi fumbled desperately as she tried to find something, _anything_ to say.

"Vivi," Cobra said, grasping her shoulders firmly and looking her dead in the eyes. "Two years ago, you left our kingdom of your own volition in order to protect it from forces seeking to destroy it, and you succeeded. Now, I am _begging_ you to leave once more… for your sake, for mine, and for that of the whole kingdom."

Vivi stared wordlessly up at her father for a moment, a maelstrom of emotions swirling across her face until she finally jerked forwards and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his chest.

"I'm so sorry, Daddy," she sobbed. "I'm so, so sorry…"

"Shh, there, there, it's not your fault…" he soothed as he rubbed her back kindly. "This was never your fault, you've made me prouder than you can ever imagine…" Cobra weathered her sobs for a few moments longer before looking at Luffy with a determined expression. "Protect her as if she were one of your own."

" **CORRECTION,"** Soundbite stated firmly. "SHE'S _**one of our own, PERIOD.**_ "

Cobra looked at the snail, then he looked at the rest of our crew. Every face showed the same expression of loyalty and determination. Cobra's eyes fell once more on Luffy, whose expression was the firmest of all.

"I'll make sure Vivi stays safe," he promised, answering the unspoken question. "We all will."

Cobra nodded, and bowed to Luffy. "You have my gratitude. Now… Vivi, we'll need to get you packed. Igaram."

The Captain of the Guard straightened. "Sir?"

"Assemble the Supersonic Duck Squadron, then find Chaka and Pell. Inform them of the situation… and send them to the third floor of the royal storage to prepare a Sirocco charm-container."

Igaram's eyes widened in shock, while Vivi stared at him in confusion. "Your Majesty, are 'ou—" He promptly flinched and coughed uncomfortably under the stern gaze Cobra shot his way. "Y-yes, sir, as you wish."

"Ah, Igaram?" Vivi interrupted hastily. "When you wake the Squadron… make sure that Carue doesn't catch wind."

"What!?" The Captain jumped in shock. "But Princess—!"

"I'm… not a Princess anymore, Igaram…" Vivi cut him off weakly before reaffirming herself. "And this is my problem, not Carue's. I already dragged you and him away from Alabasta once, I won't do it again."

Igaram considered protesting for a moment before nodding solemnly. "Very well… Vivi."

"Thank you, Igaram," Cobra breathed, before standing up to leave. "Come, Vivi. We'd better not keep Chaka and Pell waiting."

As Cobra and Vivi left the room, Igaram made to follow, only to stop as I tapped him on the shoulder.

"Uh, wait a second."

Igaram looked back at me. "Yes?"

I shook my head slightly as I eyed the door. "I don't know any of the details, but that comment I made about Vivi two years from now? She'd have been fine, but Cobra was in bed with bad health when last I saw him. See what you can do about that. Drum—er, Sakura Kingdom is your best bet, just name-drop us and you should be good."

Igaram blinked, then nodded. "Thank you, Mister Cross. Now, then, Soundbite?"

The snail straightened as much as he could. " _Yeah?_ "

"I'll leave it to you to gather the Supersonic Duck Squadron together. You'll need to leave as soon as the Princess—"

He cut himself off with a grimace, and sighed.

"…As soon as Vivi is ready."

"Hey," I spoke up as I patted his shoulder. "No matter what Vivi _or_ those bastards in the World Government say, she is and always will be the brave Princess who saved this great Kingdom. Right?"

Igaram glanced at me for a moment before smiling sadly and nodding in agreement. "… Indeed, Mister Cross. Thank you."

 **-o-**

The ride to the Merry had been even more somber than I expected; the joy of having Vivi staying with us couldn't begin to measure up to the anger and sadness we felt on account of _why_ she was coming with us in the first place. Carue's absence was further proof of that; I never thought I'd say this, but I actually _missed_ the poor duck's ever-worried squawking. Soundbite made a couple of attempts to break the tension in his own way, but ultimately he lapsed into depressed silence as well. So we rode on, the wind and footfalls the only sounds until Soundbite spoke up again.

" _We'll_ **be there in** FIVE MINUTES," he said, just loud enough for us to hear him. He waited until everyone had nodded, then sent a quizzical glance my way, and put his next words directly in my ears. " **Do you** _want to tell THEM_ THERE ARE _**two INTRUDERS**_ _, OR SHOULD I?"_

"Not a _word._ I'll tell Nami and Zoro, but that's _it,"_ I hissed. "Not until she shows herself, at any rate."

Soundbite blinked in confusion. "WAIT, _her?_ _ **What do you—?**_ " The snail's eyes shot wide in shock. " _ **HER!?**_ **Are you** _out of your—!?"_

"Hey!" I hissed hastily. "This situation is a lot more complicated than you think, _especially_ with Vivi onboard!"

Soundbite ground his teeth furiously for a moment, but nodded nonetheless.

We rode on silently for a bit longer until one of the ducks chose to speak up.

"Pwincess, is there anything we can do to help?" Stomp asked.

Vivi sighed, and spoke for the first time since we'd left the capital. "I appreciate the offer, Stomp, but no. What's done is done. Just… just help Carue, alright? He's…" She shook her head miserably. "He's going to need it."

"Cap'n won't wike it…" Kentauros pointed out.

"None a' us do, swick," Cowboy sighed sadly. "None a' us do…"

Finally, exactly five minutes later, we managed to reach the shore of the Sandora River and the Going Merry's familiar form came into view. Upon our return to our home, we were greeted with a rather… unconventional greeting.

"HELLO, MY FRIENDS!" Mr. 2 Bon Clay cried as he posed upon the lip of the Merry's crow's nest. "I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU FOR SO LONG NOW! LONG TIME NO SEE~!"

We pointedly ignored the okama's flamboyance as we started unloading our supplies and belongings from the Duck Squadron. I walked behind Ivan X and undid the ropes that were holding the hefty cannon he was carrying to his back, letting it tumble to the sands. "How'd you like your first duck ride, Lassoo?"

The weapon promptly morphed into its more mobile fully-organic form, shaking the sand out of his fur with a huff before glaring up at me. "The seating could have been a bit better, in my opinion."

I shrugged helplessly as I unfastened the rest of the bags the giga-duck was carrying. "Sorry, Lassoo, but you outweigh me three to one at a minimum. I couldn't carry you ten feet if I tried. Either you drop weight or you wait until I gain some muscle."

The dog grumbled darkly under his breath as he rolled his eyes and used his jaws to toss a few bags of food onto his back."Fine, but you'd better be working on your muscles just as much."

"Hey, fine by me. One, the stronger I get the more damage I can take and dish out, and B. I _want_ to be able to tote around a badass cannon like you," I said, smirking.

Lassoo smirked back, then looked up at me with a cocked eyebrow. "So…" he asked quietly, "second intruder?"

I graced Soundbite with a flat look out of the corner of my eye before hefting a rucksack onto my shoulder. "Suffice to say that you, Vivi and 2 aren't the only ones using the Merry as a way to get off of Baroque Works' sinking ship, and that's all you're hearing until everyone else finds out, got it?"

Lassoo huffed and shrugged slightly. "Fiiiine."

Once we finished unpacking, the Supersonic Duck Squadron lined up before us.

"Well…" Vivi started sadly. "This is it. Again, thank you _so_ —"

"Company, atten- _shun!"_ She was interrupted by Kentauros squawking firmly, he and the rest of the squad snapping into salutes.

"Wha—?" our newest companion started in shock.

"Pwincess Vivi!" the helmet-wearing duck announced, never breaking his form. "We of the Supah Sonic Duck Squawdwon will always consider you ta be the wegitimate wuler of dis kingdom, and nothing that anyone says will evah change our minds! We and evewy subsequent genewation of this Noble squadwon do sweaw to wait for your weturn, no mattah how wong it might take! So do we sweah!"

"So do we sweah!" the rest of the ducks chorused.

Vivi blinked numbly as she tried to process just what she was seeing. "I—! Y-you guys—!"

Kentauros interrupted her with a wing on his shoulder. "Cap'n Cawue would pwuck us all nude if we did anything wess, as would any otha' membah of the squadwon," he stated solemnly. "We missed you 'dese wast two yeahs and we'll miss you now." He wrapped her up in a feathery hug. "Goodbye, yow Highness. Pwease… stay safe."

A medley of similar farewells were squawked out by the rest of the squad, each with just as much emotion as the last.

Vivi was silent for a scant moment before choking out a pained sob and wrapping her arms around the duck's neck. "I will miss you all _so much…"_

Kentauros patted her back consolingly before shooting a look over his shoulder at us. "If she gets hurt, we will fweaking _fwy_ so that we can peck you all straight ta' _death."_

"If Vivi gets hurt, then that means that the bastards who did it literally went through _us_ first and we're six feet under anyway," Sanji declared firmly.

Kentauros nodded in approval before moving back from Vivi. He gave her a final salute before wheeling around and leading the squad back into the desert.

"Good luck, guys!" Luffy waved after them.

" **HAVE A NICE** _TRIP!"_ Soundbite hollered in agreement.

"MAY WE MEET AGAIN SOMEDAY!" Mr. 2 sobbed for a moment before snapping into an angry scowl. "HEY, WAIT A MOMENT! IS THAT ANY WAY TO TREAT A FRIEND WHO HELPED YOU!? _IGNORING ME!?"_

"Sorry, Bentham," I huffed as I carried my share of the supplies onto the deck, stepping around the assassin. "But we've kind of got things on our mind. Everything went straight to hell after you called."

The okama's indignant anger promptly faded to one part concern, three parts surprise. "You know my name?" he asked incredulously.

"I have my sources, don't bother asking." I dusted my hands off before turning around and jumping back to the shore. "Anyway, most of us may have forgiven you at this point, though your involvement in this whole mess was _seriously_ boneheaded, but I think now would be a good time for you to make it clear how sorry you are." As I said this, I pointedly glanced at Vivi.

Bentham followed my gaze and promptly jerked in shock, apparently noticing Vivi for the first time. "P-P-Princess!" he yelped before falling to his knees and bowing his head solemnly. "S-s-so you have joined the Strawhats, hm? V-v-very well then! You have my humblest apologies for my part in this entire illicit affair, and I humbly beg your utmost forgiveness! B-but nevertheless!" He slowly looked up, eyes pleading. "You should acknowledge that without me looking over your ship, something could very well have happened!"

"We had the kung-fu dugongs tow the Merry upriver and protect it, it wasn't in any danger," Nami dryly informed him.

Mr. 2 cocked an eyebrow at her. "Really? Then why did those little creatures disappear into the river the second they caught sight of me approaching?"

I couldn't help but smirk as I glanced at Soundbite; I had been waiting for this opportunity for _days._ " _I_ told them. Yeeessss, I foresaw your arrival…" I droned out, with Soundbite layering on some appropriately spooky sound effects, drawing the desired reaction of fear from Bentham and amusement from everyone else.

Once I'd done the gag, though, I frowned in confusion. "Though… the dugongs booking it is a surprise, I'll admit. You'd think they'd at least stick around long enough to say goodbye."

"Maybe they had an aquatic-animal martial artist tournament to get to?" Usopp suggested.

"Are you serious?" Zoro deadpanned.

"It's a lot more likely than you might think…" Chopper mused. "Seriously, you couldn't even begin to imagine the kind of things the stronger animals back on Drum would get up to."

" _I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit,_ " Soundbite drawled before shaking his head. " _BUT_ **joking aside,** _ **THEY AIN'T in the river.**_ "

"A mystery for another day, then," Vivi concluded before addressing the kneeling okama. "And as for you… Bentham, was it? Honestly, on any other day I'd see you locked away in the deepest, darkest cell I could possibly find for what you've done." She brought her hand to her face and sighed morosely. "But in light of recent events, I think I've lost any stomach I might have had for vengeance for a while now. So… I forgive you."

Bentham sprang to his feet, gratitude only barely poking through the confusion written all over his face. "Oh, thank you, your highness! But… if I may ask, 'recent events'?"

Rather than answer, I instead dug out the piece of paper that had started this whole debacle and slapped it to the assassin's chest as I passed him by.

Mr. 2 looked at the bounty in confusion and scanned it for a minute or so—

"OH, YOU POOR DEAR!"

"Wha— _MMPH!?"_

Before he suddenly bounded forwards and wrapped Vivi up in a hug, pressing her face into the… 'impressive assets' that he was suddenly in possession of.

"My heart weeps, _weeps_ with horror and regret at this most horrendous of crimes you have been subjected to!" Bentham lamented sorrowfully, twirling both himself and Vivi around all the while. "For a beautiful swan such as yourself to be subjected to such cruelty, such ignobility, for your wings to be clipped so horrendously! Truly, this is a black day amongst black days! But fear not, my dear, for you are not alone! I too have been subjected to the horrors of the World Government, and it was even these same injustices that drove me to join Baroque Works! We are united in our cause, our hearts beating as one! Dare I even call us, sis—!"

THWACK!

" _Bwoogh!"_ Bentham suddenly grunted, releasing Vivi as he clutched his stomach and groaned.

Vivi, meanwhile was shaking her fist out as she stumbled away from him and tried to get her balance back. "Okay, first, there is a limit on just how much I'm willing to forgive you, and _second—"_ Her eyes zeroed on Bentham's chest. "Are those _mine!?"_

"Well, yes, as a matter of fact! A bit spur of the moment, but—!"

THOCK!

" _Hoogh! R-right, dropping it now!"_

"And you thought _Crocodile_ had a mean hook," I joked.

"YOU SHOULD _see her_ **Cross!"** Soundbite chortled.

"I'm not 'hers,'" I promptly protested.

"Well, to be fair, you _are_ her bitch." Lassoo cocked an eyebrow as Soundbite and I looked down at him in surprise. "What? I can sarcasm."

I opened my mouth to protest, then closed it. "Is it sad that I can't really argue against that?"

That got at least a few laughs out of most of the crew before Nami called for everyone to get to work, though in light of the tragedy and her 'innocent figure', she naturally excluded both Vivi and herself from the chores. She also took a moment to gesture from me to the okama.

Taking the hint, I sighed and stood next to Mr. 2, giving him a searching look. "What did you mean about injustices making you join Baroque Works?"

Bentham made to speak before narrowing his eyes into a glare. "Before I answer that… that taunt you threw at me in Alubarna to trick me out of my disguise. Was that just to make me drop the act, or do you actually believe that about the great Ivankov?"

I immediately shook my head in denial, no hesitation. "No no, I was speaking out of my ass for shock factor. Ivankov's a weird and quirky individual, but that's the norm of these seas, not a mark against him. I won't deny that he's definitely worthy of being called a miracle worker."

Bentham processed this, and finally nodded. "Fair enough. Now, in answer to your question, I joined Baroque Works in hopes that when the plan came to fruition, I would be able to negotiate Ivankov's release with the World Government."

I gave him a flat stare for a moment before hanging my head with a groan and pinching the bridge of my nose. "OK, there are three things that you need to know: first, the World Government would sooner call a Buster Call down on Alabasta—"

I sighed at the blank look on his face. "Nightmarish full-scale military assault, more often than not maximum civilian casualties, generally levels everything above sea level before they scrub the location from the maps," I explained, and his confusion melted into horror. "It's a last resort, only admirals can use it, but I say it's still not worth it. Anyway, yeah, they'd rather do _that_ than release Ivankov; the charges they have him on are completely accurate. Which leads to the second thing: Ivankov is a Revolutionary, one of Dragon's most trusted and high-ranking officers. If he ever found out that you tried to conquer a kingdom in his name, much less commit genocide and work with Crocodile, who he does _not_ like, well… how should I put this…" I snapped my fingers in faux-realization. "Oh, yeah, he'd make you go from both genders to _none_."

Bentham went as pale as the swans on his back as he slapped his hands to his groin.

"Yeah, _not_ your smartest move. Now, for the third thing: if you want to see Ivankov that badly, wouldn't going to him be easier than having him come to you? After all, Impel Down's gates are always open one way, and I _think_ you might have more than earned a stay there."

Bentham considered what I'd said for a moment before sighing dejectedly. "You… make some good points. That makes for a decent silver lining, I suppose." He looked back up at me. "You seem to know a lot of things that you shouldn't. I'm pretty sure I know the answer, but it pays to double-check: I've heard rumors that Impel Down is divided into multiple levels, I don't suppose you know what floor he's on?"

I hesitated; sure, Bentham was trustworthy, but telling him about Level 5.5 could change too many things too quickly. Though I was still hoping beyond all hope that his help wouldn't be needed. Even if it wasn't, though, the fact remained that if he went searching for Ivankov, he could lead the wardens there with him, and that… that was just too risky. In the end, I sighed.

"The jailers are going to tell you that he's not in the prison anymore, and they believe it. Ivankov plans on keeping it that way until he gets new orders from Dragon, so discretion is key. If you get down deep enough and make enough noise, then _maybe_ he'll find you, but no guarantees. That's all I can say, as much for his sake as yours. Got it?"

Bentham nodded again, and then his eyes narrowed. "Oh, very well, then." He then promptly fell to his knees and cast his forearm across his face, taking up a _very_ sorrowful pose. "I suppose that there is naught left for me in this world but to surrender myself to the mercy of the Marines and plead guilty for my crimes! Oh, cruellest of fates! Goodbye, fair winds! Until I see you again!"

My eye twitched slightly at the performance before I leaned down towards Lassoo. "Sooo, to confirm, is he always—?"

" _Yes,"_ the hound groaned.

"That's what I thought…" I muttered before tapping Bentham's shoulder. "Just for the record, while surrendering yourself is one thing, maybe going out with a bang would be better? Like, saaay… helping a nefarious band of pirates with three wanted criminals blow past a Marine blocka—?"

THWACK!

"YEOWCH!" I yelped, slapping my hands to the lump on my skull. "WHAT THE HELL, LUFFY!?"

"WE DON'T USE FRIENDS AS DISTRACTIONS, CROSS!" Luffy shot back indignantly.

"THAT'S A JERK MOVE, JERK!" Usopp concurred.

"YEAH, YOU JERK!" Chopper brought up the rear.

I grimaced before rallying my nerves. "WELL, DO _YOU_ BASTARDS WANNA SEE MERRY GET HARPOONED!? THIS IS BLACK CAGE HINA WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, AND SHE'S ABOUT AS DANGEROUS AS HER FRIEND _SMOKER!_ SHE'S SMART AND SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE USING CANNONBALLS AGAINST SOMEONE WHO'S GOT A REPUTATION FOR BOUNCING THEM AWAY!"

"Wait, you mean that the Black Cage Formation is awaiting us at the mouth of this river?" Bentham blinked in shock and more than a little fear. He then brought his hand to his chin in thought. "Well, now… I suppose that helping you break such an infamous maneuver _would_ enrage more than a few Marines…" He promptly swooned dramatically. Again. "Then I suppose that there is no choice! For the sake of my dear friends, as well as my lifelong dream, I shall sacrifice myself!"

"MR. 2, NO!" the Kiddy (read: Dumbass) Trio wailed dramatically.

"But yes, my friends! It is the only option! But, do not weep for me, my friends!" He covered his eyes sorrowfully. "For though this swan may never fly again and though I may be destined for the depths of hell itself…" He shot them a brilliant smile. "At least our friendship shall last eternal!" He pumped his fist and sobbed dramatically. "FOR FRIENDSHIP!"

"FOR FRIENDSHIP!" the Dumbass Trio mirrored him.

"FOR FRIENDSHIP!" a shipload of Baroque Works soldiers riding on a swan-shaped ship concurred.

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU MORONS COME FROM!?" Zoro roared incredulously.

After a brief period of explaining the situation—and I had to admit, Bentham's crew had loyalty that rivalled any Whitebeard or Strawhat, if nothing else—we finally set the sails and started sailing down the Sandora. It was nice to be back on the Merry's decks once more, soon with nothing but the sea and the wind at our backs.

Still, even back on our home, there _were_ one or two things I had to deal with.

Once I was certain that no one was looking, I walked around to the back of the Merry's poopdeck, Lassoo on my heels. Apparently I was a bit predictable, because Soundbite gave off an electric whine a second later. "I need to talk with you two real quick," I muttered beneath my breath. A few seconds later, Nami and Zoro joined me.

"What is it, Cross?" Nami asked promptly.

I was silent for a moment as I considered how to word this. "I need to talk to you two about something seriously sensitive. There are… going to be a lot of people mad at me about not mentioning this, and rightly so, but the only way this'll work out is if everything comes to light _after_ it's too late to do anything about it, alright?"

The two narrowed their eyes at me. "What did you do now/this time, Cross?"

Lassoo stuck his nose up a little and sniffed at the air before flopping onto his belly with a little 'wuff'. "If I had to guess, it'd be because _she's_ the stowaway you mentioned, right?"

I flinched as my higher-ranked mates pinned me with equally accusing looks.

"'Stowaway'?" Zoro demanded coldly.

"' _She'?"_ Nami concurred even more frigidly.

I winced and thought once again about how to word this, before stiffening as I felt a sudden weight appear on my shoulder and saw Zoro and Nami tense furiously, accompanied by Soundbite matching Lassoo growl for growl. I slowly turned my head and glared at the disembodied hand that was waving at my friends. "Not. _Helping,"_ I growled acidically out the corner of my mouth, prompting the hand to evaporate into petals. I refused to look at my crewmates for a second as I gathered my thoughts. "Alright, so I know this looks bad— _GYERK-why-is-it-always-my-head-or-my-balls?!"_ I whimpered miserably as Nami grabbed a very _sensitive_ target.

"Because both of yours are fucking _huge,"_ Nami growled out. "And I don't care _what_ you think your reason is, but you had _better_ know what you're doing, you dumb blond _bastard!"_ She emphasized the last word with a final clutch before stalking off thunderously.

Even through the pain, I stared after her in surprise. "… I know I've earned some trust, but I was expecting to have to do a lot more explaining and convincing," I muttered.

"Oh, believe me, you're going to," Zoro growled at me. "As soon as we reach the next island and get to somewhere that she can't overhear us. And you _do_ realize I'm not going to help you when Vivi finds out, right?"

"Ohohoh, believe you me, I've already made peace with _that_ aspect of my fate…" I muttered miserably before shaking my head. "Anyways, just know that I have my reasons and…" Goddamn, what a verbal minefield I was practically _prancing_ through. It took me a minute to gather my thoughts and re-steel my nerves. "No matter what anyone says, anyone at all, I personally believe that we _can_ trust Nico Robin. I trust her with my life. Understand?"

Zoro snorted. "Funny you're saying that when the last time you saw her, she actively tried to kill you."

"Funny how the first time you saw Luffy, you told him to buzz off before you killed him," I shot back.

The swordsman stiffened momentarily before a ghost of a smirk appeared on his face. "Touché… Alright, Cross, I'll go along with this for now, but Nami's right." He started to walk towards the main deck. "I really hope you know what you're doing."

My companions and I watched after him for a moment longer before Lassoo spoke up. "Been meanin' to ask. _Do_ ya know what yer doin'?"

I blew out a heavy sigh as I slowly followed Zoro. "I damn well hope so, boy. I damn well hope so…"

Back on the deck, I took a moment to glance around in search of something to do. As it was, there really wasn't much. Usopp was wheeling out the cannon from the weapon's room, Sanji and Luffy were working the sails, Chopper and Bentham were talking animatedly about… _something_ or other, I don't know, there was a lot of gesticulating going on there…

And Vivi… Vivi was standing at the fore of the Merry, leaning against the railing next to Luffy's 'special seat'. I shot a guilty glance back at the storeroom before walking up the steps to join her, leaning on the railing next to her.

A sidelong glance was all I needed to see that she was doing pretty bad, staring off at nothing and… playing with a metal orb she had on a chain around her neck? Huh, hadn't ever seen that before. Must have been a memento or heirloom or somesuch.

I reached out and shook her shoulder lightly. "Hey."

Vivi jerked in shock, shoving her necklace beneath her collar before looking at me. "C-Cross, hi! S-Sorry, were you there long?"

I cocked an eyebrow at her for a moment before electing to ignore the obviously suspicious action. "At the risk of sounding like an oblivious idiot, I still have to ask: how's it going?"

Vivi huffed out a weak, semi-hysterical laugh as she looked back down at the water. "Really? You _really_ have to ask?"

I considered that for a moment before sighing and rubbing her shoulder. "No, I don't, but I think you need to say it. It's about the same as a booze overload: better out than in."

She didn't react for a few seconds. Then she sighed. "I went through the worst experience of my life for two years, all for my country, and this is my reward? Being accused of treason because of some stupid centuries-old grudge? I spent so much time away from my father, from Chaka and Pell, from Kohza and my friends, from my people… Every time Baroque Works seemed to be too much for me to handle, all I had to do was remind myself _why_ I was doing it, and I found the strength to keep going."

Her voice gradually became more hysterical as she went on. "But now I have to leave everything behind. I'm… I'm happy I'm leaving with you, my friends, but… but this…" She clutched at her chest furiously. "It feels like I'm being stabbed in the chest. It feels like everything should be hurting but it's not hurting _enough._ I feel like the ground's dropped out from under me and I want to be sick but everything that I've learned my whole life is telling me that I need to show a strong face, and it is _so hard…"_ A few tears came down her face as she balanced her arms on the railing and buried her face in her hands. "And the worst part of it all… is that I can't tell my people the truth. I can't tell _anyone_ the truth. I can't speak, I can't say a word, because if I do…" She sobbed miserably. "Because no matter what I say… they won't believe me. I just… I've been silent for so long… I just want to say _something…"_

I winced and rubbed her back consolingly. I considered what to say, when I was interrupted by Soundbite knocking his head against my neck. When I glanced at him in confusion, he snapped his eyes downward, staring directly at—!

I suddenly became _acutely_ aware of the weight that had been hanging off my side since we'd left Alubarna, and then the _exact_ implications of what I'd been given swept over me.

"What if I could make that happen?" I heard myself say.

Vivi blinked in confusion as she glanced up at me. "W-what?"

"What if…" I started slowly before gaining steam. "What if I could get you into each and every household on this planet, so that you could explain yourself to every last person in the world in your own words?"

Vivi stared at me silently for a moment before looking away sadly. "That's a nice dream, Cross, but that'd take _years_ to do… and I doubt we'd even manage to finish in our lifetime."

"Oh, yeah?" I reached into my bag and withdrew the mic, holding it up to her. "How about all at once in _seconds?"_

Vivi glanced up… and promptly jerked up straight in shock, her eyes shooting from the device to me. "Wha—!? Y-you can't mean—!"

"Madness… it's the gift that keeps on giving," I quoted before grinning maliciously. "What do you say we spread it a little everywhere?"

The crew's newest member simply gaped as she tried to line her thoughts up properly. "C-Cross, if you do this—if _we_ do this… then the damage this will cause, the dangers—the World Government will _not_ rest until it manages to arrest or _kill_ you! They'll throw everything that they have at us! This isn't just taunting the Marines, this—!"

"Vivi," I cut her off firmly, a fire flaring in my gut as for the first time I allowed the implications of what the World Government had done to wash over me, allowing me to _really_ react to it. "These bastards have done a _lot_ of hellish shit in the past, but this time? This time they've gone _way_ past the pale and _personally_ screwed over one of my friends, and rest assured that this is neither the first time, nor the last. I am _beyond_ caring about consequences past the obvious." I held the mic out to her. "What about you?"

Vivi stared at me in disbelief for a moment before shifting her gaze down to the mic. Then… then a hint of steel entered her eyes, she took hold of the mic, and I knew that the World Government was _screwed._ Sideways.

"That's what I thought." I grinned viciously before gesturing towards the dining room. "What do you say we go somewhere quiet so that we can plan this out, hm?"

" **THEY WON'T** _know what_ HIT 'EM!" Soundbite cackled malefically.

 **-o-**

 **-Present time-**

"… and that's my side of the story. I don't know how many of you will believe me, but I'm satisfied with being able to speak the truth. People of Alabasta… I apologize to you most of all for my silence these past two years, and for leaving so soon after my return. But…" Vivi's voice caught slightly as she forced herself to continue. "Know that I do not do this willingly. I will miss you all, but I will remain in contact through the SBS for those of you who believe me. In the end, you may believe what you want to believe, just know that…" Vivi trailed off slowly for a moment before choking out a sob. "… I am sorry… I am so, _so sorry…"_

I slowly worked the mic out of Vivi's hands, letting her jerk over to bury her sobs in Nami's welcoming shoulder. I hastily smothered the flare of rage and vitriol I felt as I brought the mic up to my mouth; I _wanted_ to rant and rage, I really did... but that wouldn't solve anything. As it went, we'd already _won_. All I had to do was hammer in the nails in the coffin. "And there you have it, people. An absolute mockery of justice and due process, in every sense of the words. Now, because of a stupid, _senseless_ grudge, one of my friends can't ever go home. Can't see her _family_ again. This isn't right, this isn't just, and this isn't even fair. A life has been ruined based solely on pettiness, on a grudge no one today was even alive for. In the end… there really isn't much more I can or have to say on the matter. Enough has been said already. So for now, I think it's time to draw things to a close…"

I started to reach for the transceiver's off switch before freezing as a thought struck me.

 **-o-**

" _Oh, wait, one last thing before I forget! I have a message for the amnesiac who was named by his hat, who I really hope is either listening or one of his comrades is."_

Dragon eyed the Transponder Snail and the curious transmission it was broadcasting, all movement in his Baltigo command center stilling.

"Hey, Sabo, do you think—?" a thoughtful female voice spoke up.

"… _if that's not specific enough, he's often closely associated with a very prominent and cuddly Koala."_

"I'LL RIP THAT BASTARD'S FUCKING HEAD OFF!"

Dragon smirked as the female voice suddenly screamed furiously, a large commotion erupting as her mentor and the intended target of the message fought to keep her from assaulting one of the snails in the room.

" _I imagine I'm going to catch absolute hell for that someday…"_ Cross mused contemplatively before forging on. " _But the fact is that there's no room for error here. My message is in regards to your family. Not the blood relatives that turned you away from your home, but the two brothers you made after that. Your older brother is most likely going to try and get in contact with you soon. He's a notable individual and he's got a hold on his temper that suits him well, but I promise you that if you meet him face-to-face, there won't be any doubt as to whether he's who I mean. And as for your younger brother… well, suffice to say you know his father better than he does. Not that he cares, of course. Your brother, I mean._ "

Sabo's eyes had gone as wide as dinner plates, and Koala's temper seemed suppressed by the revelation of his past. Dragon, meanwhile, felt a suspicion enter his mind… could Cross actually mean… but _how could he know?_

"Gilteo," Dragon barked. "I want every broadcast of this… 'SBS' transcribed and saved for future records."

"Yes, sir! But, ah…" The soldier dropped his salute hesitantly. "If I might ask why, sir?"

The Chief Revolutionary turned a neutral gaze on the still-cocky snail. "I have a feeling that it will turn out to be an… educational experience."

 **-o-**

"And with that, I really _am_ done," I concluded finally. "So unless anyone _else_ has something they want to say—!"

BOOM!

I cursed furiously as an explosion shook the air outside the Merry, causing the cabin to rock furiously.

"HEADS UP!" Sanji yelled from outside. "THE MARINES JUST CAUGHT UP TO US, AND I THINK THAT CROSS MIGHT HAVE PISSED THEM OFF!"

"Okay, no time for trivialities, this has been a transmission from the SBS, _signing off!"_ And with that, I turned off the transceiver, rammed the mic back into place and darted to my feet, throwing a concerned look at the star of this shitshow. "Vivi, I realize that you feel like crap right now, but unless we get a move on, we're going to be turned into so much floating flotsam. So, I'm asking you, here and now: do you feel up for this?"

Vivi glanced up, her eyes still shining with unshed tears, and visibly wrestled with her emotions for a second before clenching her jaw and standing up tall. Her eyes were red and slightly puffy, but honestly I wasn't sure if I had ever seen anyone stronger. "No," she announced firmly. "But I've had to put on a brave face for the past two years. I can put one on now."

Nami gave her a sad look before smiling slightly and clapping her friend on the shoulder. "Then let's give these bastards some hell to pay."

And with that we sortied out onto the deck and joined the melee.

As it was, thanks to Mr. 2's swift and enthusiastic sacrifice and me prompting Usopp to start firing on the Marine ships immediately (seriously, the man's skill with black powder and heavy weaponry was impressive!), we were able to blow past most of the Black Cage formation with minimal damage. I think that the impromptu dance party Soundbite started on Fullbody and Jango's ships when we passed by them _might_ have contributed to the confusion. Seriously, jerkasses those bastards might have been, but damn if they couldn't get down and get funky when given the chance. Though really, the fact that the whole crews of their ships had joined in was a wee bit much.

Unfortunately, however, 'minimal' damage didn't mean 'none'. Merry still took a half-dozen harpoons to the hull, and even if they were high enough that they didn't hit the keel or let in water, it was still damn painful. On the bright side, that _did_ mean we had a copious supply of metal for the foreseeable future… though judging by the way Usopp had been muttering darkly under his breath while hammering in wooden planks over the holes, he didn't see it as such.

And judging by the trio of Marine battleships rounding the coast of Alabasta, they'd managed to restore some form of order to their own fleet as well.

"So, on a scale of one to ten," I asked as I walked to one of the railings and kept a wary eye on the approaching ships. "How ticked off do you think they are?"

BOOM!

I jerked back with a hiss as the wind from a passing cannonball ruffled my hair. "That answers that question. Hey, Lassoo!"

The dog-gun trotted up to me and heaved himself onto his hind legs as he balanced on the railing next to me. "Yeah?"

"Did your old owners ever name any moves for you?"

The hound shook his head with a huff. "Nope. Master never had the mind for it, and Merry Christmas didn't care."

"Well, in that case, allow me to baptize your attacks." I pointed at the battleships. "Cani-Cannon, maximum boom!"

Lassoo grinned ferally in response. "Sounds good, _chief."_ And with that, his musculature warped and shifted as his pelt flattened and elongated appropriately until he was as much cannon as he was canine. Once the transformation was complete, a trail of snot hung down from his nose. He then jerked back and back and back…

"AH-CHOO! AH-CHOO! AH-CHOO!"

Before snapping forwards with a trio of sneezes, loosing a salvo of ludicrously fast-moving baseballs that arced over the sea. They disappeared out of sight as they approached the battleships. A second later…

 _BOOM!_

I jerked back with a whistle of awe as the main cabins of all three ships erupted in flames. "Oh… oh, yeah…" I patted Lassoo's ears with a grin. "Oh, we are going to get along _just_ fine, you and I."

Lassoo snickered happily as he rubbed a paw beneath his nose. "Aw, thanks chie— _AH-CHOO!"_ The dog-gun suddenly snapped forwards and blasted a baseball into the water. He stared after the projectile with wide eyes. "Whu-oh…"

Soundbite and I stared alongside him. "WAS _that at_ **an ANGLE?"** Soundbite asked warily.

BOOM!

I stared at the plume of water that erupted a few feet off of the Merry's side. "Looks like it…" I trailed off before giving Lassoo a nervous look. "Does this happen often?"

The dachshund-bazooka sniffed heavily and swiped at his nose again as he morphed back into his animal form. "My allergies always act up when I go half-and-half, why do you think I've been a dog for the past twenty-four hours?"

I exchanged looks with Soundbite before giving Lassoo a stern glare. "Alright, it's official: you can complain however much you want, but Usopp is getting a look at you the second we have a chance, got it?"

Lassoo frowned, but nodded his head a bit nonetheless. "If it means finally gettin' rid of this cold, I'll put up with it," he said.

After that, between Lassoo and Usopp, we opened a clear way out within only a couple of minutes. Everyone moved according to Nami's directions, and we made our way away from the eastern coast of Alabasta. Vivi moved to the edge of the boat, tears streaming down her face again as she watched her home slowly disappear. But before we were more than a few dozen meters from the continent, the loudspeakers set up for the country began to blare, the sound easily reaching every ship off the coast.

" _Greetings, citizens of Alabasta,_ " came the voice of King Cobra. " _I had hoped that in the aftermath of the rebellion, with our country ready to build itself back up, I would be able to speak a message of encouragement and new life, while at the same time fulfilling my daughter's belated Coming of Age Ceremony. But, as I have no doubt all of you just heard, that is no longer possible. My daughter has left this country… and I unfortunately find it unlikely that she will ever return to the beautiful sands of our kingdom._ "

' _Rub it in, why don't you?'_ I thought morosely, moving to stand beside Vivi.

" _My people… for the good of this nation and for my daughter, I collaborated with the Strawhat Pirates."_

Time seemed to stand still as Cobra's words sunk in, all of us snapping our gazes to the continent, Vivi's mouth falling open in pure shock.

"F-Father…?" she breathed.

"Vivi, pardon my French, but what the ever-loving _fuck_ does your dad think he's doing!?" I demanded incredulously.

Before she could respond, Cobra continued.

" _The plan we developed was for me to formally disown her on account of her crimes while she absconded with her friends, so as to avoid incurring the wrath of the World Government. However… in light of the injustices already inflicted upon our country through the World Government's negligence and their active antagonism of our people, I have no intention of allowing them to coerce us any further. As a matter of fact, I believe it is time that they come to fear_ our _wrath instead."_

I felt a chill run down my spine as the full weight of what was being said bore down on me. "… What the hell is he getting at?" I asked numbly.

 **-o-**

" _Citizens of Alabasta… we have just come out of a hellish period of war, a time of conflict unheard of for generations. And yet, despite this, we are_ still _under attack. We are still in danger, and I feel that unless the world itself changes in some way very soon, that danger will remain until the end of our days. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I have come to this decision: if we are in danger of attack and injustice from the hands of our very allies… then I say that they are no allies of ours!"_

"… Well, I'll be damned," Smoker said, his face betraying his shock despite his normal deadpan tone. "Like father, like daughter."

Tashigi, meanwhile, was barely managing to hold herself up on the ship's balustrade. "C-Commodore, i-is this actually—!?"

"It is, Ensign. It is." The Logia user glanced back at Hina, whose cigarette had long since fallen from her frozen lips. "I'd suggest you mark the date, Captain Hina. This is history in the making right here."

" _If you will stand by me, then I ask of you all to support me in this endeavor… for starting today, I rectify a grave error my ancestors made eight hundred years ago! Today, I declare Alabasta's formal secession from the ranks of the nations of the World Government!"_

"Because today," Smoker grunted as he blew out a large cloud of smoke, even as the approving roar of a million voices came over the loudspeakers, as well as from the port of Nanohana. "Is the day that the people of the world bore witness to the World Government fucking up in a most _spectacular_ manner."

Hina remained silent for a minute more before turning to look both Smoker and Tashigi in the eyes. "Hina's… convinced." She brought out a cigarette and lit it before giving the Commodore a cold look, filled to the brim with determination. "What did you have in mind?"

The grin that Smoker adopted would either have been right at home on a Sea King or it would sent one running.

 **-o-**

A strangled noise of disbelief clawed its way out of my throat as I tried to make heads or tails of what the _fuck_ I had just heard. "I'm sorry…" I started weakly. "But did I just cause one of the _original twenty kingdoms_ of the World Government to _go Revolutionary?!"_

Nami nodded jerkily in response, obviously having as hard a time puzzling out how to react properly as I was.

Vivi, for her part, had dropped to her knees. "Daddy…" she breathed, a combo of awe and terror coloring her voice.

" _Vivi, my daughter…"_ Cobra continued, compassion filling his voice. " _If you can still hear my voice, then I can only imagine that you must disapprove of this course of action, and I can imagine why. For our kingdom to return to war after you fought so long for peace—for your sake, no less—must seem nightmarish. But know that my actions are not without reason: what I do here and now, I do because you are_ worth it. _Because I already lost you once, and neither I nor anyone in this nation is willing to lose you again, much less due to an evil that I know has been festering in the heart of the World Government, an evil I believe has been present since its inception. "_

 _I know that you must be terrified and confused right now, but I ask you not to worry about me. I ask you not to worry about us, not to worry about your kingdom. I ask you not to worry about your home. Because at the end of the day, you are_ still _my daughter, you are still Princess Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta, and I will_ always _be proud of you, no matter what. And no matter what happens, come hell or high water… when you one day return home, there_ will _be a home waiting for you with open arms, bloodied and bruised, I have no doubt… but we will be stronger for it. Goodbye, Vivi. I love you more than words can possibly express."_

Vivi shook heavily as she clamped her hands over her mouth, fighting to maintain some measure of composure. "Goodbye, Daddy…"

Everyone onboard had by this time made it to where I was comforting Vivi, and one and all, we pulled her into an embrace.

BOOM!

An embrace that was cut off by yet _another_ blast from the Marines.

" _SERIOUSLY!?"_ I roared incredulously, shaking my fist at the battleships. "READ THE FUCKING MOOD, ASSHOLES! YOU EVEN STOPPED FIRING DURING THAT GODDAMN _SPEECH!"_

The subsequent barrage showed just how much the Marines cared about my opinion on them.

Luffy growled darkly as he started swinging his arm in a circle. "Can we take a second to kick their asses?" he asked murderously.

Nami narrowed her eyes in agreement as she started to finger the sections of the Clima-Tact. "I am _seriously_ considering it."

However, before anybody could move for the Merry's whipstaff, Soundbite started cackling like an absolute _maniac._

"What's his problem?… His current one, I mean," Usopp clarified.

"WE DON'T HAVE **to do jack!** _ **The Marines**_ _ARE ABOUT TO_ _ **SUFFER!"**_ Soundbite whooped eagerly. And before I could ask what he meant, the air was filled by a particularly familiar violin piece.

"Oh, that's catchy!" Luffy grinned eagerly.

"This _does_ sound pretty good…" Sanji mused.

"Ah… is that 'He's A Pirate'?" I guessed hesitantly. "What does that have to do with—?"

"OH, _SORRY!"_ Soundbite cackled anew. " **This** _ **is more ACCURATE!"**_ Another piece of music came on, only this one was harsher and filled with drums and a prevalent pipe organ.

My confusion only mounted as I identified the piece. "What the hell—?"

"Cross?" Nami asked. "Do you know what this music means?"

"Uh… I think so…?" I scratched my head contemplatively. "It's… from a performance back home. It's the theme of—!" I cut myself off with a choked gurgle as I caught sight of something, and the sentiment was reflected by everyone else as they caught sight of it too.

Bubbles and whorls, erupting from the depths of the Alabastan coast and churning the water between the battleships into a foamy mess.

"… D-D-Davy Jones…" I whimpered, not quite yet willing to believe my eyes. There was no way, _no possible way—!_

SPLOOSH!

And yet, apparently there was.

Sails of seaweed and algae, thoroughly water-rotted wood, barnacles encrusting every other foot of the vessel, _sea creatures manning the freaking RIGGING!_

"IT'S THE FLYING DUTCHMAN!" Usopp and I howled as we clutched each other in terror.

Screw you guys, I might love dancing on the edge, but I _did_ fear death and I sure as _hell_ feared _Davy-goddamn-tentacle-beard-Jones!_

"AWESOME!" Luffy yelled, staring at the ship with stars in his eyes.

"Well, now, this is something…" Zoro grinned viciously as he grabbed the hilts of his swords.

"Hey, wait, look!" Nami pointed at the decrepit ship as a bunch of figures started to stream from it to the Marine ships. "I think that they're attacking… the… wait a second…" Nami narrowed her eyes as she used her hand to shade her gaze. "Are those…?" She hastily worked her spyglass out of her belt and held it up to her eye before jerking in shock. "HOLY CRAP, ARE THOSE _DUGONGS?!"_

"WHAT!?" I yelped, actually _looking_ at the ship. Now that I noticed, those silhouettes _were_ too small to be fully-sized fishmen, local or otherwise. And the flag it was flying… _had a dugong's face interposed over a pair of crossbones!?_ "Allow me to reiterate that question… ARE THOSE DUGONG _PIRATES!?"_

SPLASH! "THAT THEY ARE, SIR!"

All present turned to the five damp figures that had leapt aboard the boat, and were balancing on the balustrade. All five were kung fu dugongs, four of them carrying makeshifts rucksacks on their backs, while the one in the middle, a somewhat weathered looking one with a duffle bag on his shoulder, a camo bandana around his forehead and—somehow—a lit cigar in his mouth, scanned over us with a determined expression. But he seemed to be looking mostly at me.

"What in the world—?" Vivi started before the dugongs leapt onboard, the four with rucksacks falling into bows while the one with the bandanna stood with pride.

"Salutations, Strawhats!" the bandanna-wearer huffed in a voice that wouldn't have been out of place coming from a drill sergeant. "My name is Boss Dugong, ex-second-in-command of the kung-fu dugong tribe below Chief Dugong, but you can call me Boss! And these—" He gestured at the four other dugongs with him. "Are my apprentices! How're y'all doin'?"

"Uhh…" my crewmates and I chorused as we glanced at one another in confusion before looking back at them. "Good?" I posed hesitantly. "It's… nice to meet you, Boss."

"Yes, and not that we don't appreciate your assistance," Vivi said weakly, clearly not coping well with all the new developments. "But what are you doing here? And what are they—" She gestured at the dugongs attacking the Marines—and outright _dismantling_ them. "Doing for that matter?"

"Besides earning a rather impressive bounty for themselves, she means…" Nami mused as she continued to watch the onslaught with her spyglass, periodically wincing sympathetically.

Boss grinned as he tapped his cigar contentedly. "Well, ma'am, first off, those over there are the majority of my species who have joined what is currently known as the Dugong Pirates! They might change it in the future, but for now we'll see, we'll see. And as for what they're doin', weeeelll…" He bit down on his cigar with a scowl. "That'd be gettin' in some good ol'-fashioned _vengeance_ on those son-bitches that screwed you. Now, we dugongs might not be humans, no…" The aqua-mammal thumped his chest proudly. "But we're still citizens of Alabasta and we know a raw deal when we hear one. We're with you all the way, yer highness."

Vivi stared at the dugongs blankly as she slowly processed Boss' words. "Uh… thank you. But…?"

"Lemme guess, you wanna know why we're here?" Boss chuckled before jabbing his cigar at Luffy. "Easy! We're here to join your crew!"

It took a second for us all to react to this statement, but when we did, we did so like mature, reasonable adults.

" _EEEEEH!?"_

Please, have you been following some _other_ pirate crew?

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE JOINING OUR CREW!?" Nami demanded as she shook the dugong by the collar of his shell.

"Exactly what it sounds like!" Boss grinned, entirely unaffected by the way he was being manhandled. "See, we—that is to say, the kung-fu dugong subspecies as a whole, we're a tight-knit community—started planning out this whole venture shortly after you and yours told us of the glories of piracy and made your way into the desert! We left a small task force to watch over this here ship, and they rejoined us once that there lady-man fellah the talky one told us about showed up!

"Once we were all back together, we spent a few days stitching together the best parts from sunken ships around the coast. As you can see, the fruit of our labors, the Great Kung-Fu Galleon, is doing quite well under the leadership of our finest fighter, our chief Captain Dugong!"

"Good for you all. Mind skipping to the part where you explain the _joining our crew_ bit?" I demanded impatiently.

The four Dugongs behind Boss snickered amidst themselves for a brief moment before being swiftly cowed by a glare that he sent over his shoulder at them before turning his attention back to us. "Well, see, here's the thing: the Captain was _mighty_ grateful for showing us the best way to find ever-stronger opponents and challenges, and let it not be said that we Dugongs are an ungrateful species! So, he sent _us_ to join you as a sign of our crew's friendship and allegiance!" He jabbed his thumb at himself proudly. "My boys and I are five of the strongest our kind has to offer! We'll see you through thick and thin, no doubt about it!"

I blinked in surprise as I processed the statement before looking back at Luffy for the inevitable reaction… and finding myself even more surprised than I already was; I was expecting a lot of emotions from him, but I sure as hell wasn't expecting him to look _conflicted,_ of all things, about new crewmates, much less a quintet of martial artist turtle-seals.

Boss Dugong obviously had more than a few braincells to rub together himself, especially if the way he picked up on Luffy's inner conflict as well and shot a quizzical look at him was anything to go by. "Is there a problem with that, sir?"

"Well…" Luffy tilted his head with a huff and a scowl as he poked at one of his temples. "I _reeeeally_ want you guys to join because you seem like you're really cool…" His scowl deepened. "But I don't want you guys joining just because you were ordered to either!"

" _WHAT!?"_

Before any of us could react, Boss showed us _why_ he'd been the second-in-command of a martial artist species by catapulting himself forwards and using his tail to _pound_ Luffy's head downwards so that it squashed against the floorboards of the deck. Then, before Luffy could react, he grabbed the sides of his face and stretched his head out slightly as he glared him dead in the eye.

"Now, you listen to me, you mo-ro-nic rubber-brained dipstick!" the dugong spat indignantly. "Captain or not, don't you dare insult the pride and integrity of my Captain by accusing him of ordering us to do this, much less the pride of me and my boys by suggesting that we'd actually go through with a request like that like mere sea-sheep!" He then let Luffy go and march-waddled his way back to the other Dugongs, holding his fist before his face and shaking his head solemnly. It was all very dramatic. "No, no, we _volunteered_ for this opportunity. Your crew has shown itself to be brave, valiant, and above all, utter _badasses._ To sail on your ship with you would be more than an honor. It would be a dream come true, an incredible, unprecedented opportunity! It would be… would be…"

" _A Man's Romance?"_ Soundbite offered eagerly.

Boss blinked up in confusion before grinning eagerly. "Yes… yes, I like the sound of that… I _really_ like the sound of that, I really, really do! Yes, to sail the seas with a shipful of badasses, becoming stronger every second of every day, that would be…" He leapt up on the deck's railing and puffed his chest out, stabbing his cigar into the air. "A MAN'S ROMANCE!"

"GO, BOSS, GO!" the other four Dugongs chorused, joining him in posing dramatically.

I could feel the sweatdrop hanging off my head and see the ones on almost everyone else. "I'm not the only one who feels like this is going to be a thing, right?" I asked _sotto voce_.

"Nope," Sanji replied in much the same tone.

"I was afraid you'd say that…"

Luffy, for his part, was appropriately awestruck from the aquatic martial artists' performance, stars shining eagerly in his eyes. "SO COOL! So, you guys _really_ want to join my crew?"

Boss led the Dugongs in snapping into uniform salutes, their stances the epitome of martial pride. "SIR, YES, SIR!"

Our crew's reactions to our five newest crewmates varied. Usopp and Chopper had the same attitude as Luffy, starry-eyed awe; Zoro and Sanji had identical grins, most likely glad to have their pool of sparring partners boosted; Soundbite, Nami, and I just smiled and went along with it; and Vivi…

She was crying again, though the distress it caused was mitigated by the small smile she was sporting. Her reaction became especially curious when she scooped up one of the Dugongs and held it tightly in a manner not akin to a girl clutching a stuffed animal.

"Ah, Vivi?" I asked curiously.

"I-I think it will be wonderful to have them along…" Vivi sniffed happily as she held onto the Dugong. "A reminder of home… Somebody to help me remember Alabasta…"

The dugong she held promptly lost the confused, somewhat perturbed expression it had had, and tentatively relaxed in Vivi's embrace. Well, it _would_ have been relaxed, except for…

"Vivi?" I offered as I tapped her shoulder. "The 'reminder' you're holding onto is starting to look a little green around the gills. Or blue, as it were."

"EEP!" Vivi yelped, promptly dropping the Dugong. "I am _sooo_ so so sorry!"

"It's— _cough_ —fine, your highness," the Dugong said, giving her an only slightly dizzy thumbs-up. "You've got quite a grip."

"OK, with that out of the way… Boss. How many dugongs does it take to tow a caravel?" Nami asked.

Boss tilted his head curiously. "Is that the start of a joke?"

Nami grinned cheekily, an action which did _not_ inspire confidence. "More like a test of how macho you and your students _really_ are."

Five minutes later, we were all but _sailing_ away from Alabasta, propelled by the combined power of the wind in Merry's sails and the strength of the tails of our newest companions - though it didn't seem as though the Marines had enough firepower to spare towards us with the crew of the Great Kung-Fu Galleon hijacking their ships as the starting vessels of what I could only assume would come to be known as the 'Great Kung-Fu Fleet'.

Once the sandy continent fell out of sight beyond the horizon, I joined Nami and Vivi at the back of the ship as they watched the ocean stream beneath us. Both of them had tears in their eyes.

I hesitantly put a hand on their shoulders. "Don't worry. The World Government might be big and strong, but so's Alabasta. It's too big to reliably pull a Buster Call on, and I imagine that the terrain would make enforcing a siege next to impossible. Alabasta will be _fine._ I mean, if its king and princess are this strong—"

"No, Cross, it's not that…" Nami said miserably. Vivi and I both looked at her.

Nami was silent for a moment as she stared at the horizon before hanging her head with a groan. "… It's just… looking back… I… I think that the crocodile on top of Rain Dinners might have been solid _gold_."

It took exactly two seconds for me to comprehend what she was saying. After that, my thought process could be summed up as ' _Sanji be damned, this time her avarice has gone too far._ '

"WHAT IS YOUR MALFUNCTION, WOMAN?!" I yelled, rearing back my hand for a picture-perfect dope slap. My palm didn't make it to the back of her head, however, on account of Vivi catching my wrist mid-swing. I shot an incredulous look at the Princess… and froze as I caught sight of the sickly smile she was forcing onto her face.

"Oh, please, Cross, allow me," she said, _far_ too calmly.

I felt cold sweat on the back of my neck, and if the fact that Nami _and_ Soundbite suddenly broke out in the same was any indication, I had the right idea getting out of Vivi's way and back to the main deck of the ship, where Boss was doubled over panting, and his apprentices were flat on their backs, exhausted.

"Hoo… what a workout…" Boss huffed. "Haven't swam that hard since the Killer Catfish Migration of 77… we ate _good_ that decade…"

"You guys didn't push yourselves too hard, did you?" I asked in concern.

"Too hard?" the gutsy dugong snapped an incredulous look at me before pulling himself up to his full (if somewhat negligible) height and flexing his muscles, an action that was mirrored with less enthusiasm by his students. "If this is any indication of you people's day-to-day lifestyle, I'd say that we've _more_ than made a good choice! Yessiree, me and my boys are gonna get _strong_ with you fellers, that's for sure!"

I couldn't help but cock my eyebrow at the macho display. Wow, if I didn't think this guy would get along well with Franky _before..._

I then chuckled at the weary, if exhausted support the rest of the Dugongs showed their leader. "Fair enough, fair enough. So…" I looked over the rest of the rest of our new crewmates curiously. "What're you guys's names? And, fair warning—no offense intended, mind you—but you all look a little alike to me, so chances are that I and everyone else might mix you up once in awhile." I shot a glare at Soundbite. "The fact that _this one_ isn't differing your voices that much doesn't help either."

"I AM _an artiste!_ _**I will not**_ **BE CENSORED** _ **BY MERE REALITY!"**_ Soundbite sniffed petulantly, complete with stereotypical French accent.

The dugongs promptly perked up eagerly, and they glanced at each other, some unspoken agreement passing between them.

"Oh, that's not going to be a problem," said one of them before they got to their fins and started rummaging through their rucksacks, pulling out and donning a variety of items. Pushing through their fatigue, each one posed dramatically, showing off different colored headbands and weapons.

"I'm Mikey!" one with an orange bandana and two pairs of nunchucks waved eagerly.

"I'm Donny!" one with a purple bandana and a bo-staff saluted shyly.

"I'm Raphey!" one with a pink bandana and a pair of sais flexed proudly.

"And I'm Leo!" one with a blue bandana and a pair of katana held himself to attention. "And together, we are—!"

"The Super Duper Dugong Gang!"

"Boss Dugong's Badass Band!"

"The Uber Triple Ultra Duper—!"

The quartet cut themselves off as they looked at one another in shock before the self-proclaimed Leo held up a finger patiently. "One moment, please."

And with that the dugongs fell into a huddle.

"What the hell are you guys thinking, we decided this weeks ago—"

"No, YOU decided this weeks ago. WE all decided that that name sucked Sandora Dragon balls and that we needed a new one."

"What's this 'we' shit, Kemosabe? I thought it was fine!"

"SHUT UP, MIKEY!"

"Hey, you can't talk to the leader like that!"

"Leader, huh. I wonder what Boss'd say if he knew you'd said that?"

"I—buh—WELL, DON'T TELL HIM!"

"I can still hear you dipshits…" Boss ground out under his breath as he rubbed the bridge of his snout before shaking his head and giving a look that was half long-suffering, half fond. "They're a bunch of young morons, through and through, but they're still prodigies and they can do the job either way. It's why I took 'em on in the first place, so don't be too hard on 'em, 'kay?"

I was too busy gaping at the quartet in awe to react properly. "Buh—guh— wah—?"

" _ **TEENAGE DUGONG WARRIOR SQUAD!"**_

"GACK!" I jumped in shock as Soundbite suddenly shouted before affixing him with a panicked look as I realized just what the hell he'd said. "Oh, _nonono,_ hold on a second—!"

Unfortunately for my sanity, I was too late.

"Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad…" Leo mused before grinning eagerly. "I like it!"

"TDWS _is_ a pretty nice acronym!" Donny conceded.

"And it sounds badass, to boot!" Mikey crowed with a laugh.

"The TDWS it is!" Raphey nodded definitively.

"Well, I'll be…" Boss whistled as he watched his students celebrate. "This is the longest I've ever seen these knuckleheads cooperate. I _knew_ this crew was capable of miracles, I just _knew_ it!"

 _THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!_

The relatively aged Dugong jumped and stared at me in shock as I repeatedly rammed my forehead into the mast. "Ah… you okay there, sir?"

"Ohhh, I'm fine…" I groaned despondently as I continued my motions, wearing an indent into the woodwork. "I'm just hammering in the final nails in the coffin of my sanity is all. I thought I'd be able to at least keep ahold of a _few_ rotting dregs of the poor thing, but no, _noooo,_ apparently it's already long-past due, so I'm just… finalizing the burial is all…"

" **BAHAHAHA!** " Soundbite cackled eagerly. " _Yeeeeesss, SUFFER,_ SUFFER! _**YOUR MADNESS NOURISHES ME!"**_

I paused in my ministrations as I jabbed my thumb up at Soundbite. "Yeah, _this one_ isn't doing my psyche any favors. Now, unless there are any other curveballs coming my way—!"

"Um… actually?" Raphey raised his hand slowly. "I wanted to ask the snail why my voice is male."

I slowly turned my head to give the Dugong a flat look. "Isn't Raphey short for Raphael?" I asked warily, dreading the answer I feared was coming.

"Raphaella," the dugong corrected with an equally flat expression. "Why do you think my bandana is _pink?"_

I once more _slowly_ turned my head, this time to glare at Soundbite. "Care to explain?"

The gastropod had the good grace to look somewhat abashed. " _Eeeeeh…?"_

Lassoo glanced up from where he'd been sunbathing and chuffed in an unimpressed manner. "Don't blame him, I don't think this one is his fault. The aqua-terra language divide's always been tricky, I'm not surprised gender managed to slip through along the way."

" **Sowwy!"** Soundbite grinned sheepishly. "IS THIS _better?"_

"Mah-mah- _mah…"_ Raphey hummed as she gave her newly feminine voice a test run, before smiling beatifically. "Perfecto!" Without any warning, she jerked her flipper and flung her sai, impaling it in the mast mere inches from Soundbite, causing him to shriek and snap back into his shell.

"Do that to me again and I _won't_ miss!" she growled acridly.

I stared at the sai for a moment before thunking my head against the mast once more with a groan. "Once more, any _other_ curveballs?"

 _THUD!_

" _MMMPH! G'T M' OUDDA THISH!"_

"I had to ask," I moaned, somehow not even fazed by the sight of a hogtied Carue being tossed onto the deck, followed by the woman whose appearance I'd been dreading for the past twenty-four hours. "Your sense of dramatic timing is either fantastic or it sucks ass. I'm having a hard time telling which is which."

"I do believe that that would best be qualified as a matter of personal opinion," Nico Robin stated with a chuckle that reached her eyes in all the wrong ways as she strode onto the Going Merry's deck without a care in the world. "Wouldn't you agree, Mister Jeremiah?"

"YOU!"

"I think that _she_ might categorically disagree with everything you say…" I sighed as I jabbed my thumb up at the upper deck, where Vivi had her Peacock Slashers drawn and spinning.

Nami was standing alongside her, doing her best to maintain her composure, though judging by the way she was glaring daggers at Robin and digging her fingers into the railing, she was fighting a losing battle with her temper. Zoro was standing to the side, watching her with a cold glare and crossed arms, a motion that Lassoo was pretty much mimicking by how he hadn't moved from where he _looked_ like he was snoozing.

Boss and his students were standing at the ready, though they appeared more confused than anything, Sanji was in full Category 5 Love Hurricane mode, Luffy was… clueless, Chopper and Usopp were cowering behind the mast—Chopper more out of confusion than anything—and Soundbite was more than making up for Lassoo's inactivity with his own snapping and growling.

Most would call this kind of situation tense. I'd say that that word didn't _nearly_ cover the suffocating atmosphere hanging over the ship.

Overall? Quite typical for a Monday.

"What are _you_ doing here, Miss All Sunday?! And _what did you do to Carue?!"_ Vivi demanded.

Robin's response to the menacing tone was to smile beatifically at her ex-subordinate. "Miss Princess. I'm quite sorry about the predicament you found yourself in. I found your speech to be quite… _impassioned._ As for the duck, I didn't hurt him, if that's what you're worried about. I merely shut him up when he jumped aboard so as to ensure that he wouldn't give me away until we'd managed to lose the Marines, that's all."

"And the reason why _you_ didn't tell me about the duck?" I blandly asked Soundbite.

He broke his glaring-spree off from Robin in favor of shooting a cheeky grin at me. "YOU SAID _not to tell anyone about the intruders,_ **and while I might** _ **act otherwise, I STILL**_ _like Carue_ SO I **KEPT MUM!** "

"You _what!?"_ Vivi hissed, snapping her glare over at me.

I tensed fearfully under her gaze, pointing desperately at Carue. "For an order of priorities, might I suggest first the duck, then the bitch, _then_ me?"

Vivi was silent as she maintained her glare for a moment longer before hissing out a tense sigh. "Could someone untie Carue, please?"

Before anyone could move, Raphey and Leo had unsheathed their weapons and leapt at Carue. One instant they were a blur of motion, the next they had their backs turned to the tense avian, slowly sliding their weapons into their sheathes. The second they were done, the ropes burst apart into nigh useless fragments, allowing Carue to squawk freely.

Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper stared in renewed awe, Zoro let out a low whistle of approval, and Robin clapped politely. "Most impressive," she complimented.

The dugongs blushed and preened proudly. "Our pleasure!"

"Cwazy wittle psychos…" Carue shivered before snapping his wing up at Vivi. "And before you ask, Soundbite's got a big mouth, and thewe was no fweaking way I was going to leave you; I've alweady pwomised you twice in the last two months that I nevew would! I tailed behind the west of the squad and snuck onboard aftah you finished loading. _She_ —" he snapped a wing at Robin. "Tied me up as soon as I came… but if she hadn't, I pwobably would have come out on the deck and twied hugging you long befowe we were away fwom Alabasta. Vivi… I don't want to believe it, but would you have weally made me leave?"

Vivi searched for _something_ to say, but apparently she was having a hard time determining just what was the right thing to say.

Carue waited for a moment before holding up his wing with a sigh and a grin. "Ah, fowget it. It's not wike I haven't always been the smawt one of us, wight?"

"Oh, shut up, you," Vivi said, trying to match Carue's grin as she jumped down and embraced the duck.

"As touching as this is," Zoro growled, his glare never leaving Robin. "Can we _please_ address the elephant in the room?"

"Oh, don't mind me," Robin stated primly as she lounged in a folding chair she'd pulled out of the water pump cabinet. "Just pretend I'm not here. You won't even notice my presence."

"How comforting," Zoro grunted, not taking his hands off his swords.

I groaned tiredly as I pinched the bridge of my nose. " _Geeze_ , woman, do you take _pleasure_ at ticking off powerful people or…" I trailed off slightly before blinking in realization. "Huh, we've got more in common than I expected. Alright, withdrawn."

Robin chuckled while Vivi refocused her glare on me, backed up by Nami.

"Hey," I raised my hands in surrender. "I only kept mum about her being onboard; if you want to blame anyone for her actually _being_ here, blame our captain."

Robin's smile widened impishly as she nodded in response to the disbelieving looks she received from the rest of the crew. "Your third mate is quite well-informed. Yes, you, Monkey D. Luffy," she grinned at our still oblivious captain. "Are the reason why I'm here. After all… I can't just let the suffering you've caused me go unpaid, can I?"

" _WHAT?!"_ Sanji roared, his cigarette burning to a stub in an instant as he proceeded to attempt to throttle our captain. "Luffy, what the _hell_ did you do?!"

"He did the most excruciating thing that a person _can_ do," I pontificated in an overly flowery tone, drawing everyone's attention. "He saved her life when all she wanted was to _die."_

Sanji froze, his hands still wrapped around Luffy's neck. He looked from his captain to Robin, then back again, face stony. "I am… conflicted…" he finally managed to grind out.

"As am I…" Robin mused as she analyzed me intently.

I briefly enjoyed the sensation of knowing what it felt like to be a rodent trapped beneath a raptor's claws before steeling my spine and giving her a flat look. "Throw me overboard and you'll follow soon after, witch," I warned her as casually as I could manage. Honestly, it took quite a bit for me to keep my grin off my face.

The archaeologist considered my statement for a brief moment before shrugging. "Very well, then. Now, where was I… ah, yes, now I remember." She returned her grin to Luffy. "Monkey D. Luffy. You made me live when I had no further reason to do so. Hence, you now hold responsibility for my life. I'd like you to live up to that by allowing me to join your crew."

Silence reigned for a moment on the ship.

I sighed and shoved my fingers in my ears. "This is going to be _loud…"_

" _WHAAAAAT!?"_

"Called it."

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!?" Vivi shrieked, only just being held back by Carue.

"GODDAMNIT, CROSS!" Nami roared, slamming her palms on the upper deck's railing.

"And I thought _we_ were brazen!" Boss chortled in amusement.

"I COULD KISS YOU, CAPTAIN!" Sanji sang rapturously.

"WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING, WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHO THAT WOMAN IS!?" Chopper shouted.

"NO! LUFFY, SAY NO!" Usopp pleaded from behind the mainmast.

Luffy tilted his head in his usual 'thinking pose' before shrugging. "Okay, sure."

"OH, COME ON!"

"Thank you very much, Captain," Robin nodded kindly before turning her smile to the rest of the crew. "And thank you all for allowing me to join your crew. Please…" She tilted her head to the side slightly. "Take good care of me."

Despite the fact that the woman was a cold, vicious assassin who'd actively tried to kill me a month ago… I couldn't help but feel a pang of regret at those words. A pang that made me smile back as honestly as I could manage.

Everyone else, meanwhile…

"LUFFY!" the saner members of the crew demanded indignantly.

"Shishishi!" Luffy chuckled as he smiled at them. "Ah, don't worry about it you guys! She's not a bad person, believe me!"

"Have you _literally_ forgotten about the past month that attests otherwise!?" Vivi spat viciously.

The rubber-man's grin widened as he rubbed his finger beneath his nose. "Eh, you're overreacting."

"THE HELL I AM!" Vivi screamed, putting on an impressive burst of strength as she burst away from Carue. _Thankfully,_ she chose to tackle Luffy instead of going for Robin.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Boss elbowing Lassoo in order to draw him out of the bored nap he'd fallen into. The dugong nodded towards the rest of the crew and circled his finger around his temple, and promptly grinned eagerly when Lassoo nodded in agreement.

"I'm behind you 100%, Captain!" Sanji piped up swiftly. "How could anyone of such _beauty_ be a bad person?"

"Charmer," Robin chuckled.

"Seriously, can _someone_ tell me who this woman is?!"

"Alright, Chopper, allow the _Great Captain Usopp_ to educate you in the involvement of this most dangerous of women with our crew!"

In the midst of all these interactions, I was aware of Zoro and Nami advancing on me from both flanks, both levelling… well, they weren't _quite_ accusatory, but they were still something nonetheless. Of course, that didn't stop them from pinning me in place with so many visual harpoons.

"Alright, listen," I sighed as I ran my hand over my face. God, today had been a hell of a long day… "I'm sorry I didn't say anything, but discretion was key in this situation. Just… I know that this _looks_ bad, but—!"

" _Mister Jeremiah."_

My blood froze at the frigid tone of voice that swept over the deck.

"Ahhhh _shit,"_ I hissed beneath my breath.

" **Oooooh,** _ **you in**_ _trooou-BLEEE!"_ Soundbite whistled, though if the fact he said it from within the safety of his shell was any indication, he was too scared of Vivi to watch.

And for good reason, considering the expression of pure, unrestrained rage that was on Vivi's face as she slowly advanced on me. I tried to back away from her, but I was promptly betrayed by two unrepentant hands from separate individuals catching my shoulders and holding me in place.

Silently cursing my superior officers, I instead hastily stuck my hands up in desperate surrender. "Now, Vivi," I despairingly attempted to soothe her. "I know that you're pissed at me, and you have each and every reason to be, but there is a _very_ valid reason why I didn't tell you about Robin being onboard the Merry!"

" _What?_ " Vivi hissed, her voice freezing the air.

I swallowed on nothing as I plastered a panicked smile on my face. "You were supposed to learn about her from a newspaper back in Alabasta a few months from now?"

If the way something in Vivi's eyes seemed to snap was anything to go by, that wasn't the right answer.

"Mercy?"

 _CRUNCH!_

"GWARGH!" I yowled, collapsing on my ass and clutching my nose desperately as blood flowed freely around my fingers. "Son ob a bidch! Dis dime I dink you _really_ broge id!"

"Be glad I don't break anything else!" Vivi snarled indignantly, her fist shaking at her side. And with that, she spun on her heel and stalked off, practically letting out puffs of steam with every breath and all but snapping the door to the storeroom off its hinges as she slammed it shut.

I stared after her silently for a moment before slumping onto my back with a weary sigh. "Vell, dis bides… Choppah?"

"Ah, right!" Chopper hastily dashed over to me and took hold of the fractured cartilage of my nose. "Ouch, minor compound, you're lucky the bone didn't break the skin… alright, deep breath. One-two—!"

 _KRACK!_

"SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY!" I jerked up with a yelp, clutching my nose. "God _damn_ that sucked…"

"Better than leaving it… _eeeyaaaahh…_ broken," Chopper countered, rubbing his eyes after a yawn. "Man, I'm tired…"

A glance at the horizon revealed that the sun was indeed starting to sink into the sea. "Yeah, it's been a long day, but it seems like it's coming to an end. I think we all need some rest… hit the hay, everyone, let's call it a night."

"Aww, but Cross, I want to stay up long—!"

WHUMP!

"I'll get him into one of the hammocks," Zoro grunted as he hefted a snoring Luffy over his shoulder.

"Yeah, Cross has the right idea," Nami agreed, still looking halfway mutinous as she walked towards the storeroom, waving at Carue as she passed him. "Come on, duck. Let's go and convince Vivi to _not_ murder Cross in his sleep, no matter how much I suspect I might support her if she does."

"Oh, joy…" Carue quacked wearily as he followed her.

I looked over at Boss Dugong. "So… look, I realize that you guys are small, but the guy's room _is_ a bit cramped. Where are you—?"

"Psh!" The dugong waved me off easily. "Please, we came prepared." He retrieved his duffle bag and retrieved a tangle of green fiber and cellulose. "Seaweed hammocks. We typically hung them off of rocks on the Sandora's shore, but I imagine that the hull of your ship'll be plenty more comfortable, and the beasties more pleasant to boot! Sleep tight! Company, fall in!" And with that, the quintet leapt over the edge of the ship.

I then shifted my attention over to the last woman standing. "So…" I trailed off uneasily. "On account of how you're liable to get lynched or gutted in your sleep if you join the girls in their cabin, might I recommend instead grabbing a blanket and book and taking the first watch?"

Robin chuckled, reaching over and plucking those same items out of the air as they were tossed at her. "My thoughts exactly, Mister Jeremiah. Will you be retiring as well?"

I considered for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Nah, I'm gonna go to the dining room and read, try and take my mind off things." I waved at her lightly as I shambled towards the stairs. "Good night, Nico Robin."

"Good night to you, Jeremiah Cross. And you as well, Soundbite."

" _Bite my slimy mucus ass!"_

Five minutes later, I was sitting on a sack of supplies in the kitchen area, half-reading an adventure novel by candlelight.

Ten minutes later, I was fast asleep.

 **-o-**

I woke slowly, blinking blearily as I tried to deal with the fact that several of my limbs had apparently fallen asleep alongside me. Well, it was official: reading the 'saucier' parts of a story right before going to bed? _Never_ again. Seriously, bondage dreams? That was just too weird.

I made to sit up and massage my tingling limbs…

Only to find out that apparently that was less a dream than I thought it was because _they wouldn't move_.

Now _that_ woke me up in a hurry. I tried moving my head, and to my relief I had enough give to glance at my wrists—which, naturally, were held to… whatever I was lying on by what appeared to be leather cuffs, of all things. Where the hell did whoever did this even _get_ leather cuffs!? The only ones I'd seen the entire time I was in this world was—!

…was the set…

…used by…

" _Oh, you're awake! That's good, that's good!"_

Without any warning whatsoever, a very familiar goggle-clad face loomed over me, and the tooth-filled grin that was plastered on it would haunt my nightmares for _years_. Partly it was the grin itself, but mostly it was _who_ was sporting it.

After all, this was the absolute _last_ person I'd expect to pull something like this.

" _See, I was getting_ really _impatient and antsy and whatnot. I mean, I_ wanted _to start early, I did, but that wouldn't be proper, would it? Anesthesia's a crutch, in my opinion! Better that the patient_ _ **feel it all! Experience every single instant of SCIENCE! to its fullest, wouldn't you agree?"**_

I tried to say something… and promptly screamed into my gag as a bone saw buried itself in the wood inches from my face.

" _ **Well, enough dillydallying, let's get to it!"**_

Chopper's grin widened to the point that it encapsulated most of his face.

" _ **IT'S TIME TO BEGIN THE OPERATION!"**_


	25. Chapter 24 - Ocean Trips

**Chapter 24**

 **Xomniac AN: Primarily filler, but it's not like we can jump straight into Skypiea. Still, we hope you like it!**

 **Patient AN: The filler in question is black powder, for Mr. Chekhov's flintlock pistol. Or, to be more blatant, this is going to be all kinds of fun…**

 **Hornet AN: Well, fun for you guys. Not so much for Cross. Also, this was supposed to be smaller, dammit!**

The rational portion of my mind… had no part in my current thought process, which could be summed up as _HOLY FUCKING SHIT, I'M ABOUT TO BE_ DISSECTED _!_

I tried to thrash out of my restraints, only to catch sight of Chopper quivering slightly as he giggled madly, shaking his head as he wrenched the bonesaw out of the wood.

" _Ooooor at least that's what I WOULD say, if I were actually ready to begin. There's still so much equipment to prepare, so many preliminary tests that must be made! We wouldn't want SCIENCE! to be hindered by a miscarriage of protocol…"_ His grin widened half past demented, taking on a predatory glint. " _ **Would we?"**_

Chopper turned his back before I could respond in any way, rummaging through a thick packet of notes, and, more importantly and three times as distressingly, mulling over his bundle of surgical tools.

I craned my neck frantically for anything that could get me out of this deathtrap. I noticed a few scalpels embedded in the wood—one guess where _that_ habit came from—distressingly close to my hand. That would have been a good thing if I could actually move a single fucking inch!… Wait a second.

A few jiggles confirmed that, yes indeed, the strap on my right hand had just a _little_ bit of give to it, and every other jiggle gave me a little more to work with. I subtly started to work my arm, reaching desperately for one of the surgical knives. I had no clue what the hell I was going to do with it, but better to have it in my fingers than Chopper's hooves, _that_ was for damn sure!

I just needed a little more… _a little more… almost—!_

THWACK!

"MMMRPH!" I shrieked in muffled terror, wrenching my hand as far away as I could manage from the syringe that had buried itself in the wood mere millimeters from my fingertips.

" _Now, now, Cross…"_

I snapped my gaze back to Chopper, whose back was _still_ turned to me.

" _You really_ should _stop squirming. All you're doing is needlessly increasing your heart rate, and that'll just make my work all the messier. And if my work is messy, then my SCIENCE! will be messy, too._ _ **And I don't**_ **want** _**my SCIENCE! to be messy. So, you're going to lay still…"**_

THWACK!

All I could do was whimper pitifully as another syringe buried itself in the table, this one just above—or was it below?—the top of my head.

" _ **Or I'll get cross with you. And trust me…"**_ Chopper turned his head slightly, the lenses of the goggles he was wearing glinting maniacally. " _ **YOU DON'T WANT THAT."**_

Ooooh, yeah, Chopper had learned a _lot_ more from Kureha than just medicine.

Well, I was completely and utterly screwed. About to be cut open in the middle of the night by one of my best friends, intimately learning the meaning of the words 'I have a gagged mouth and I must scream'—!… Wait a minute…

I started scanning the room again as a thought struck me. Soundbite _should_ have been able to hear me, even _if_ I was gagged, not to mention Chopper's own insane ramblings. Why the hell wasn't he—?

I suddenly met a pair of terror-filled eyestalks in a corner of the room as I got the answer to my question. There was Soundbite, far out of the way and out of my reach, clearly fighting to dislodge the bar of metal that Chopper had doubtlessly shoved as deep between his teeth as he could manage. On the plus side, Chopper had neither spoken with Kureha nor made the logical leap to using salt as a gag, so at least there wasn't any danger in that way… but on the other hand, as impressive as Soundbite's jaws might have been, he still had _some_ limits.

That meant that Soundbite couldn't call for help, which meant that no one would know what was about to happen, and _that_ meant…

" _Okay! Now I'm really ready!_ _ **Let's begin!"**_

That I really _was_ screwed. _Shit._

The Zoan-user took his sweet time walking over to me, looking me up and down the way that Luffy would eye a particularly tasty steak as he spun a scalpel in one hoof and a marker in the other.

" _Alright, first off, allow me to begin by outlining what I have planned for tonight!"_

In one swift jerk, Chopped slashed his scalpel along my body, cutting my shirt right down the middle and leaving the halves apart, exposing my torso.

… Terrifying though the experience was, I still managed to look on the bright side: provided I managed to survive this ordeal, I'd come out with a decent enough vest!

The chances of _that_ dimmed considerably as Chopper started using the marker he was holding to draw a Y-shape on my body that several crime shows had made me _intimately_ familiar with.

" _For starters, I'll be investigating the physiological differences within your chest cavity!"_ Chopper explained cheerily. " _Just some trivial things, really. The limits of your muscular and skeletal systems, the layout of your organs,_ _ **pain tolerance…**_ _you know, the basics! After that…"_

I crossed my eyes fearfully as he pulled my bangs back and started drawing on my forehead.

" _We'll move on to the main event:_ _ **your brain!"**_ Chopper was practically drooling at this point, his grin a rictus of insanity. " _ **Yeeeessss, your valuable, valuable brain and all the miraculous discoveries that can be made within! Imagine all the discoveries that can be made from the brain of someone who came from an entirely different world! Oh, comparisons to our own neural pathways, anomalous genetic divergences, unique neurochemical makeups, ohhhh, the possibilities are ENDLESS! EHEEHEEHEE, I CAN'T**_ **WAIT!"** Chopper zipped around to my side as he cackled madly, his scalpel glinting in the scarce lamplight as he held it aloft. " _ **NO MORE WAITING! IT'S TIME TO BEGIN!"**_

I didn't dare move as Chopper slowly started to lower the implement towards me. Damn damn damn _damn_ I was screwed! Unless some kind of miracle occurred soon, I'd be little more than so many spare pa—! … Oh, _son of a—!_

"GRGHSTRO-MMPHT, GRGHSTRO-MMPHT!" I howled around my gag just as the scalpel touched my chest.

Soundbite's eyes widened, and he took a second to bash his eyestalks together in exasperation before he concentrated intently and the piece of metal in his mouth shattered to pieces, alongside the crate he'd been perched on. He was forced to snap into his shell before he hit the ground, but the next second he filled the air with a furious klaxon that jolted Chopper to a stop.

" **S.O.S., S.O.S.!** _MAYDAY, MAYDAY!_ WE NEED **AN OLD PRIEST AND** _A YOUNG PRIEST,_ STAT! _**HEEEEEELP!"**_ he wailed desperately.

Chopper snapped his attention to Soundbite with a scowl. " _ **QUIET, VERMIN! CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT THERE IS SCIENCE! AFOOT!?"**_ He swung his hoof back viciously. " _ **IF YOU WON'T HOLD YOUR TONGUE, THEN ALLOW ME TO HOLD IT FOR YOU!"**_

Thankfully, before Chopper could let loose with the scalpel, the door to the dining room burst open, allowing the majority of the crew, sans our heaviest sleepers (Read, Luffy and Zoro), to burst in.

"Cross, what's wro—?" Sanji started to ask before taking in the scene before him with abject shock. "What the hell is going on here!?"

Chopper spun around with a snarl, his body shaking with murderous rage. " _ **MORE INSECTS DARE TO IMPEDE THE PROGRESS OF SCIENCE!? SO BE IT!"**_ He abruptly metamorphosed into his _far_ larger Muscle Point, brandishing several scalpels between his fingers menacingly. " _ **COME ON! I'LL VIVISECT YOU ALL, ONE BY—!"**_

Before Chopper could finish that sentence, a small, thin blur lashed out at the now-mad doctor, wrapping around his wrists before he could react.

" _ **What the—!?"**_

The other end of the blur continued its journey around Chopper, spinning around and around and wrapping him up before snapping taut. Once the blur came to a stop, it was revealed to be none other than Boss, holding Chopper in place by means of what appeared to be an overly long piece of woven seaweed.

"Would somebody kindly help me with this nutjob?!" the dugong huffed heavily. "I might be a badass, but damn, he's big!"

" _ **Fool!"**_ Chopper barked, flexing his arms slightly. " _ **Do you really think mere rope is enough to hold me?! It would be child's play to slip out! Observe!"**_

Just as Sanji swung his leg up to kick the mad doctor, Chopper reverted back to his Brain Point, causing the ropes to collapse around him.

" _ **HA!"**_ the human-reindeer crowed, his hooves thrust in the air victoriously. " _ **Your feeble strategies are no match for my superior—!"**_

"Oh, will you _shut up!?"_ Boss growled before _yanking_ on the seaweed rope, causing it to snap taut around the Zoan's ankles.

" _ **WHAT THE—!?"**_

"FORE!" Boss roared, twisting on his tail and spinning Chopper around like an olympic weight. Chopper barely made a revolution around the room…

"NEZ!"

Before Sanji lashed out a furious kick to the Zoan's face, cancelling his momentum with a fantastic _slam!_ I took a particularly sadistic pleasure in watching Chopper come away _much_ worse for the wear from the ordeal, his eyes rolled up in his head and a considerable amount of foam coming from his mouth.

"Well, that was new…" Sanji sighed wearily as he scratched his skull before glancing up at Boss. "Hey, good work with the ropes, though I don't think I've ever seen them used as a weapon like that."

"Actually, it's a ropedart, not just any old regular rope," the dugong replied, preening slightly and holding up the metal/coral dart at the end. "You need a good counterweight to get it to actually perform those kinds of maneuvers. Also handy for just smacking people with. And if we're complimenting each other's fighting skills, I gotta say, that was a damn impressive kick. I'd be hard-pressed to pull off anything as powerful, and not just due to my species' lack of mobility, let me tell you that!"

"Hey, don't sell yourself short there! I saw you moving, that was impressive! Tell you what, talk with me later and we'll see if I can teach you any techniques applicable to your physique! I'm sure that if we get you training right, your lower body can be as powerful a weapon as any! Sound good?"

"Well, I'd be mighty obliged! And say, while we're on the subject of cross-training—!"

"Mmmph- _gah_ , thank you," I nodded as a hand appeared to work the gag out of my mouth. "As I was saying, I _hate_ to interrupt you two getting along _so_ well, and honestly I'd _love_ to contribute to the strengthening of the members of our crew, I really would, but as it so happens, I'm a bit tied up at the moment, so if you'd be so kind as to shut up and _GET ME OUT OF HERE!?"_

" **PREACH IT,** _ **brotha!"**_

Thankfully, _that_ prompted to Nami run up to me. "Cross, are you alright?"

I gave her as deadpan a look as I could manage while upside down. "I'm tied down to a table and one of my crewmates just tried to dissect me like a frog. Would you like to reconsider your question, or would you rather leave your foot where it is?"

Nami huffed. "How about I just untie you while you explain how in the world Chopper went from cute and cuddly to wanting to cut you open?"

I opened my mouth to snark back, and shut it with a click as I remembered that relations with her were still somewhat strained, and that I didn't need to be untied to use my brain. "I'd be most grateful if you were to release me, yes," I politely requested.

"Allow me," a faux-warm voice purred, a flurry of petals heralding my release.

Any comfort I could have taken from my release was soured by Nami's own newly darkened expression. "Thanks a lot…" I grumbled as I sat up, massaging some life into my tingly wrists and ankles before turning my attention to Soundbite. "How you feeling, little guy?"

" _Besides the_ **fact that** _YOU ALMOST GOT KILLED_ BECAUSE I FORGOT **about my powers,** _ **and I**_ **WAS** PROBABLY _next?"_ Soundbite snapped as one of the dugongs dug him out of the pile of splinters that had been his perch. " _FUCKING_ _ **PEACHY!"**_

"Which means that you're alive. Good." I nodded as I took the little gastropod back and put him on my shoulder. "Now then, moving on… _would anyone care to tell me what the hell just happened!?"_

"You mean you don't know, Cross?" Usopp asked, a hint of fear in his voice.

"I was strapped to a _table_ with a psychotic reindeer about to carve me up like a spring turkey!" I snapped, spreading my arms helplessly. "Does it _look_ like I have any idea about all of this!?"

"Perhaps the pressure of the past few days was too much for Mister Doctor and he finally snapped?" Robin suggested innocently.

I sent a pointed glare at the quasi-ex-assassin. "Thank you, _Miss Assassin;_ sure, Chopper managed to live under high-stress conditions for several years without too much psychological damage, but we'll take that into consideration nonetheless." I looked away from Robin as her grin widened in amusement. "Does anyone _else_ have any ideas?"

There was a moment of silence as everyone thought things over before Vivi raised a finger. "Cross, I could be off on this, but wouldn't you be the best person to talk to about anyone on this ship acting…" She cast a _look_ at Robin before continuing. " _Different_ from how they 'normally' would be?"

I blinked as I processed the statement before frowning thoughtfully. In the end, she was right. My presence had caused ripples, meaning that any changes were more often than not my fault. And seeing how Chopper didn't go crazy like this in canon, that meant that this somehow linked back to me. All I had to do was think about when I could have changed things to make Chopper act… differently… oooooh.

"Hang on a second…" I walked over to Chopper's abandoned pack and picked up the notes he'd been leafing through. He'd been filling the binder almost religiously while we were in Alabasta, so I could only assume that whatever it was he'd been working on was recorded in here. And assuming that whatever he'd been working on was what had driven him out of his mind…

Sadly, the search was easier hypothesized than done. It was quite jarring, really; intellectually, I knew that Chopper was an egghead of almost extreme proportions, but to see it laid out so plainly before me was something else entirely. The notebook was an absolute mess of incomprehensible words, indecipherable equations and formulas both chemical and mathematical in nature, and unintelligible diagrams, with pictures of what appeared to be brains showing up at a disturbing number of intervals.

I started to lose hope as I neared the end of the doctor's notes, approaching a border I'd identified where the notes suddenly descended into raving lunacy...

"C'mon, c'mon, c—hell- _oooo…"_

When I finally hit paydirt, or something I _really_ hoped was it.

"What is it?" Usopp asked eagerly.

"Look at this," I pointed out the passage I'd noted and started to trace it with my finger. "'Hypothetical possibility: Blunt force trauma to occipital lobe could initiate override of primary psychological configuration.'"

I really should have expected the blank expressions that almost everyone else in the room gave me.

I rolled my eyes with a sigh as I held an expectant hand out. "That means that I think I can fix him if someone were to hand me a rolling pin."

A disembodied hand promptly obliged.

"Thank you," I nodded gratefully, testing out my newly acquired instrument. It _looked_ like it could do the job. Good heft, even weight…

Chopper suddenly starting to groan and shift on the floor robbed me of any other choices.

"Say 'megalomania!'" I requested as I reeled my arm back.

" _Wha—?"_ Chopper started to ask groggily…

THWACK!

"YEOWCH!" Before jolting forwards in agony as I cracked him upside his skull. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT…for? What the…?" His roar of anger trailed off into confusion as he realized the exact situation he was in. Thankfully, his voice seemed to have lost the demented tone it had taken on before.

Chopper shifted around for a moment as he regained his bearings before glancing up at everyone uneasily. "Um… three questions. Why am I tied up, why did you hit me, and why exactly am I wearing my chemical goggles?"

"To answer your last question," Robin answered politely. "I imagine that you donned your goggles to avoid any splashback from entering your eyes mid-operation."

There was a tense silence before Chopper spoke again. "'Operation'?" he repeated nervously.

" _ **AHEM,"**_ Soundbite cleared his throat, causing Chopper to turn around… and stare at the markings clearly present on my chest.

"Good morning to you too, Chopper," I greeted him dryly as I held my bangs up.

The doctor was uncomfortably quiet for the longest time before he hung his head with a groan. "I… have a lot of explaining to do, don't I?"

"Understatement…" one of the dugongs started to singsong before another slapped him upside his head.

"Let's start with these," I said, holding up the stack of notes. "You said that you'd tell us what you were researching when you had something concrete, and unless I miss my guess I'd say that you delivered with gusto just now. Am I wrong?"

Chopper squirmed nervously as he refused to meet my gaze. "No, you're… you're really not." He fell silent for a moment as he thought things over before shaking his head in defeat. "Alright, I guess I'll start at the beginning: Yuba."

"Yuba!?" Vivi repeated in shock. "What happened in Yuba that could have caused all of this!?"

I, however, understood what Chopper was saying perfectly, and I indicated as much by slapping a hand over my eyes with a groan. "You're talking about biofeedback, aren't you?"

"Yeah…" Chopper nodded solemnly. Noticing the confused looks everyone else was sporting, he explained. "I asked Cross for advice on how to properly exploit my Devil Fruit powers to their fullest despite me being a Zoan, and he suggested that I look into a concept known as biofeedback."

"Oh, boy, here comes the egghead stuff," Raphey groaned.

"You wanna go back to sleep? Because I kinda want to go back to sleep."

"Agreed."

"CRAM IT, YOU THREE!" Boss yelled, forcing the Dugongs to snap to attention.

"Yeah, some of us are trying to listen!" Donny concurred.

"To clarify, biofeedback is the rumored ability to control every inch of your body, making you able to do things like, say, move your hair as easily as your arms, or kick your own adrenaline into overdrive on a whim," I contributed, and the other three Dugongs suddenly seemed much more interested.

"Exactly, and I saw what you were getting at, too," Chopper nodded at me. "If I could combine biofeedback with the Human-Human Fruit's transformative properties, then I could quite possibly cut out the necessity of using my Rumble Balls. I could achieve all seven of my Points on my own, and _that_ would be amazing. But…" He bowed his head. "It also got me thinking about something else. When you talked with us about Devil Fruits and you mentioned the Blind-Blind Fruit, you talked about how there are no boundaries on Fruits and how they often go beyond the obvious in their usages, you remember that?"

"Yeah…?" I nodded slowly in agreement.

"Well, I realized something when I thought about it: I'd forgotten the most _obvious_ thing that the Human-Human Fruit gave me, the absolute _core_ of my powers. Something that had been staring me in the face my _entire_ life from the second I ate it in the first place!"

Silence fell as we all tried to figure out what he could be talking about…

Until Sanji ashed his cigarette in one shocked breath. "You're talking about your intelligence…" he summarized numbly.

"Exa—! Ah…" Chopper jerked as he tried to point at the cook, only to have the gesture halted by the ropes. "E-exactly. The transformative properties of my powers are only secondary when compared to the real difference my powers made, a difference that encompassed the meaning of the word 'human': my _intelligence."_

Dimly, I could feel a headache starting to form in the back of my head. "Why do I have a bad feeling that I know where this is going…" I groaned to myself.

"So, wait," Usopp interjected. "That research you were doing in Alubarna—?"

"I was studying all the literature they had on the brain and how it functions," Chopper nodded in agreement. "I thought that if the Human-Human Fruit could give me this much intelligence now and if I could manipulate it with chemicals _already,_ maybe I could use more chemicals so that I could make myself even _smarter!_ You know, exploit my fruit's powers even further like Cross suggested! So, I spent all my time researching trying to find what I'd need, and I found just what I was looking for before I went to sleep—!"

"But as your IQ skyrocketed higher and higher, your sense of morality and your higher logic functions took a nosedive, yeah yeah, I've heard it all before…" I groaned as I massaged my now actively-throbbing temples. "So, let me get this straight… YOU MEAN THAT YOU—wait, has anyone here ever heard of a man named Robert Louis Stevenson?"

"I have," Vivi promptly replied, raising her hand. "His works were quite good."

"I've always been more a fan of Lovecraft and Shelley myself," Robin noted conversationally.

"Oh, good, that means that my analogy works." I nodded before returning to chastising Chopper. "YOU MEAN THAT YOU JEKYLL AND HYDE'D YOURSELF!? ARE YOU _INSANE!?_ "

"Ah… not quite? After all, Hyde was explicitly less intelligent than Dr. Jekyll and was merely all of his darkness and vices unleashed, whereas I, ah… that is to say…" Chopper wilted uncomfortably before the combined glare the crew was giving him. "…kinda?"

Usopp sighed heavily as he shook his head. "Well, this has been one big fiasco. Still, after all of this, now you know better! So, all we have to do is get rid of the formula you used and then we can forget that this all ever happened, right?"

Chopper pointedly refused to meet any of our gazes as he squirmed uncomfortably. "Er…"

Soundbite facepalmed, inasmuch as he could with his eyestalks. " **Of course not…"**

"What is it?" Nami asked with mounting dread.

"Weeeell…" Chopper dragged out in a tone of voice that said he'd be poking his hooves together if he could. "The concoction I drank wasn't so much a temporary transformative serum like my Rumble Balls are… so much as it contained an enzyme I artificially manufactured that essentially turned a key in my brain?"

"What are you trying to say, doc?" Boss asked warily.

"It means that I can essentially still _feel_ where all of that extra intelligence is in my mind…" Chopper trailed off slightly before hanging his head. "And it's not going away. _Ever."_

"Let me get this straight…" Nami groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "You're liable to turn into a mad scientist at the drop of a hat, forever, and we have _no idea_ what triggers the change? Is that what you're saying?!"

"Nononono, not at all, not at all!" Chopper shook his head in frantic denial. "I already told you, I can _feel_ where the intelligence is! It's a permeable border in my brain, so long as I keep my head on straight then it can't affect me! If I delve into it, then I stay sane for a period of time…" He glanced at me uncomfortably. "Until my newfound intelligence overwhelms me and I become liable to act on my… less than logical impulses…"

"At which point we can bring you back to the world of the sane with a little bit of 'manual override', is that right?" I clarified, tapping the rolling pin I was holding in my palm.

Chopper nodded, and Nami sighed in relief. "OK, then you can just keep from doing it again, right? I mean, sure, the effects are impressive, but you came close to killing Cross… and despite recent developments, I don't think any of us seriously want him dead, right?"

Most everyone gave sounds of assent… though Vivi and Robin's silence was a bit telling.

"B-but—!" Chopper tried to protest.

"Chopper," I cut in, my voice rife with concern. "I'm not even mad about the dissection thing, because that wasn't entirely your fault. I'm more concerned about _you._ I mean, you almost did something that you would have regretted forever! What could _possibly_ make that worth it?"

"Um…" Chopper tilted his head thoughtfully for a moment before perking up intently. "I didn't get a lot done before I… 'nosedived', so to speak, but… Look at the back of my notes, page 237. You see that formula in the middle of the page?"

"Um…" I followed his directions and found a long, unintelligible equation waiting for me. "Yeah, I do. What is it?"

"The new recipe I developed that I'll be using for my Rumble Balls from now on," he stated proudly.

I gave the human-reindeer a dubious look. "Chopper, while I'm sure a few extra seconds might be useful—!"

"Effectiveness is five minutes and cooldown is three hours."

I promptly slammed the notebook shut with an enthusiastic grin. "WELP! If I were you, doc, I'd see about installing a metal plate in my skull, because you are going to be undergoing a _lot_ of blunt force trauma in the days to come!"

"Hooray!… I think…"

"…Well, that settles it. Pay up, Sanji," Usopp said.

I glanced back to see Sanji, a grimace on his face and his new cigarette half-gone already, hand the sniper a thousand Beri note. "Yeah, yeah, you win: Cross is _actively trying_ to get himself killed."

"OI!" I barked indignantly.

"Are you _really_ going to try and deny it!?" Usopp snorted.

I opened my mouth to respond… and reconsidered my answer midway as I held my hand out. "No, I was just going to ask for fifty percent of any proceedings done in my name."

"COPYRIGHT, _**BITCHES!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

Usopp and Sanji exchanged looks, then the former looked at me.

"Ten percent."

"Forty-five percent."

"Fifteen percent."

"Thirty-five percent."

"…Thirty percent."

"Done," I said, grinning as three hundred Beri bills were slapped into my palm.

"Well, even _with_ that out of the way, I don't think any of us are going to get back to sleep after this…" Vivi tapped her chin thoughtfully before snapping her fingers. "Well, seeing how Luffy didn't wake up… Sanji, how about making us some midnight snacks while we don't have to deal with him stealing off our plates?"

"Hmm. That actually sounds pretty good," Nami remarked.

"Right away, my lovelies~!"

And that was the end of that; while Boss and Usopp untied Chopper and the other dugongs set about clearing the table, the resident love cook spun into the kitchen and two of the three— _four!_ No telling if dugongs are psychic—four females on the ship sat down.

Meanwhile, I took the opportunity the commotion presented to me to pull Robin outside, away from potential eavesdroppers as I chose to voice some… sensitive thoughts that had occurred to me and that I was less than willing to share with everyone else.

"Would you care to explain how you, of all people, didn't see Chopper come into the kitchen earlier?" I asked, frowning at her accusingly.

"Who's to say I didn't?" Robin replied with a serene smile.

I froze as I processed the implications, and promptly glowered at her. "Alright, then… would you care to explain _why the hell you thought I deserved that_? I don't _like_ playing the debt card, but in case you forgot, you'd still be stranded on Alabasta if I hadn't kept my and _his_ traps shut!" I jabbed my finger at a growling Soundbite. "I was trying to be _nice_ to you, what did I—?"

"Do you really think I've forgotten?" Robin asked, much more quietly and much less serenely. "When we met in Whiskey Peak, you promised we'd meet again, and you'd pay me back for what I did to you then. I honestly thought nothing of the threat… until I discovered that you knew I had snuck onboard your ship the moment you arrived. I expected you to order me off, but as you have done nothing to stop me from joining your crew, I'm left to wonder what you have planned for your revenge."

I stared at her blankly for several seconds, pondering how to reply. I settled for slapping a hand to my face with a weary groan. "…I'm not going to take revenge, Nico Robin."

Soundbite let out an indignant squawk, and Robin raised a brow.

"Or at least…" I clarified. "I'm not going to take revenge today. Maybe not even tomorrow. You see—"

" _I need to think a long, long time about just what I'm going to do with you_ ," Soundbite cut in with a deep masculine voice, smirking widely. " _I don't know, it might come to me, pff, in the middle of the night… or maybe next week or, a few years from now. In the meantime…why don't you worry about it?_ "

I chuckled at Soundbite's antics before promptly sobering up. "But seriously: I didn't plan and still don't plan on killing you. Embarrassing you? Sure. Humiliating you? Absolutely. But to kill a crewmate is the highest sin on any ship… and unless the captain says otherwise, you're part of this crew. Got it?" I finished, my expression deadly serious. Robin's expression was unreadable, but she nodded before turning back towards the dining room. I watched her for a moment before glancing at Soundbite and giving him a nod.

" _Be afraid, Robin._ "

She froze, allowing me to breeze past her, staring at her with the sort serene smile she was used to giving.

" _Be_ very _afraid_ ," I finished, Soundbite putting Uncle Phil's voice directly in my mouth, along with the following maniacal laugh.

"…I believe I'll go back to taking the watch now," she said in a voice of forced calm. She moved into the dining room long enough to ask Sanji to bring her plate to her when it was done before climbing back up to the crow's nest.

With that done, I walked back into the dining room, both Soundbite and me grinning like loons.

Those grins proceeded to die as I saw Vivi pointedly looking away from me as I entered, her face still set in a frown. I sat down some distance away from her, though I kept trying to catch her sight before, during, and after the meal. But she focused on anything but me, and the rest of the crew offered no help.

"It's going to be a long week, isn't it?" I muttered.

"Ah, dun' worry,— _gulp!—_ Cross!" Luffy patted me on the back consolingly as he swallowed the mouthful of food he'd been chewing. "She came around after Yuba, she'll come around after this! Maybe after she eats? I know I get grumpy when I'm hungry!"

I nodded… before grabbing the back of his head and slamming it into the table. "QUIT EATING US OUT OF SHIP AND HOME, YOU GODDAMN GLUTTON!" I roared at the top of my lungs.

 **-o-**

On a certain island in the most dangerous half of the most dangerous half of the most dangerous sea in the world (so basically the most dangerous quarter, really), one of the most dangerous pirate crews ever to sail lounged about, identical grimaces on all of their faces, as if they were waiting for something to happen. Nobody moved. Nobody made a sound. And then…

" _Don don don don!_ " intoned their Transponder Snail, eliciting a chorus of pained moaning from the migraine-nursing men.

"Who the hell's calling at this hour? Don't they know what the cooldown period for hangovers is?" growled Red-Haired Shanks, who _nobody_ would guess from his current appearance was one of the Four Emperors unless they knew him personally… and even then, those members of that scarce cadre of individuals had their doubts.

" _Don don don don!_ " the snail boomed again, eliciting groans from everyone again.

"Wait a sec, isn't that the broadcast from yesterday? Luffy's crew?" Benn Beckmann said, struggling to his feet.

"Hey, it is! Somebody answer it, I'll want something to listen to while I eat me some sea king meat!" Lucky Roux laughed as he walked towards the beach, dragging a yet-dead-to-the-world rookie behind him as the snail rung once more.

"And where do you think you're going?" Beckmann drawled, one eyebrow cocked.

"To catch said sea king, of course!"

"And you're taking our newest recruit with you because…?"

"Well, I'm not going to catch my first breakfast without _bait,_ am I?" Roux explained in an 'are-you-an-idiot?' tone of voice.

"…Of course, what on earth was I thinking."

And that was how the newest crewmate of the Red-Haired Pirates set the new record for fastest recovery from a hangover… for all the good it did against Roux's iron grip.

Giving the deceptively strong glutton no more thought, one of the other crewmates finally picked up the snail's speaker, mid- _don_ , and the rest of the pirates slowly gathered around.

" _How much longer, Cross?_ " came a voice on the other end.

" _Just a few more rings, I want as many people listening as possible,_ " came the more familiar voice of Jeremiah Cross.

" _Well, alright. But soon, 'kay? I'm really excited!"_

"Hey, Yasopp, this guy sounds a lot like you!" Shanks laughed at his sniper. "Think that son of yours decided to follow you out to sea?"

"Ha! As if! The grog must have gone straight to your head, captain!" Yasopp scoffed as he waved his captain's hungover ramblings off. "And besides, my son is seventeen now! No way he'd set out that—!"

"Luffy is seventeen," Benn deadpanned.

Yasopp hesitated slightly at that before shrugging. "Yeah, but still, the chances of him having gone by Syrup Village are a hundred to one, it _can't_ be him." Nevertheless, the sniper dug up a half-full bottle from the sand and took a swig to calm his nerves.

" _Alright, that's enough, if anyone wants to join in they'll have to do it midway through! For now—!"_

" **IT'S TIME** _to start_ THE SBS!"

"… _That's going to be a_ thing _now, isn't it?"_

" _ **EEYUP!"**_

The Red-Haired Pirates roared with laughter as Cross grumbled mutinously.

"Never thought I'd say this about a snail, but I like his attitude!" Shanks cackled, earning him a momentary glare from their own Snail before it reassumed its pouty expression.

"… _Even across dimensions… I feel your pain, Goda-sensei, I really do… bah, whatever. Aaaanyways, let's get to it. For now, we'll be cold-starting this broadcast with a general interview and talking some shop with our ship's sniper and all-around tinkerer. Please give a warm welcome to him, all the way from… yeah, better not name his home, huh? Well, all the way from the East Blue, at least, Usopp!"_

" _PFFFT!"_

The Red-Haired Pirates fell into shocked silence as their resident sniper sprayed the alcohol he'd been chugging over the beach. At least, until both he and the captain leapt at each other simultaneously and fell into a brawl.

"OUCH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ATTACKING ME FOR, YASOPP!? I THOUGHT YOU'D BE HAPPY THAT YOUR SON'S A PIRATE!"

" _I AM_ HAPPY HE'S A PIRATE, I COULDN'T BE PROUDER! MY FATHERLY INSTINCTS, ON THE OTHER HAND, _ARE FUCKING PISSED THAT YOUR GODDAMN PROTÉGÉ DRAGGED HIM AWAY FROM OUR QUIET VILLAGE INTO THIS CRAZY LIFE!"_

"IT'S NOT _THAT_ BAD!"

"I got my breakfast!" Lucky Roux crowed as he walked back to the crew, dragging a ten-ton behemoth behind him with one hand and a comatose crewmate with the other. "And the rookie's still alive! So that's also nice!"

" _YOU'RE A DEAD MAN, SHANKS!_ ALSO, WHY THE HELL ARE _YOU_ ATTACKING _ME!?"_

" _YOU WASTED GOOD BOOZE, YOU BASTARD!"_

SLAM! SLAM!

"SHUT UP, YOU IDIOTS!" Benn roared, unknowingly doing an orange-headed navigator and a retired first mate proud with the size of the dual goose eggs he lumped on his captain and crewmate. "WE CAN'T HEAR A THING OVER YOUR BRAWLING!"

" _Now, before we start, chances are that either Usopp's father or someone who knows him is listening to this broadcast. That being the case, Usopp has a few words for him personally before we get into the swing of things. Usopp?"_

Dead silence fell on both ends for a few seconds before Usopp's voice came through.

" _Dad… I've looked up to you from the day you left home. Mom died when I was 7, but I never blamed you for following your heart out to the sea. From the first time I saw the sea, I felt the same way… I always wanted to follow in your footsteps. So, when Luffy came along and told me how you always went on and on about me… it made me happy, and even more determined to follow in your footsteps—oh, and before I forget, a message to any Marines that are listening in: Kuro of the Thousand Plans faked his death three years ago. My captain beat him when he challenged him, but didn't kill him. I don't know what Kuro's up to now, but he's still alive. Alright…anyway, Dad, here I am, the sniper of the Straw Hat Pirates. My captain plans to fulfill the promise he made to your captain… and when we finally meet again, it'll be as two equal Brave Warriors of the Sea._ "

Yasopp rubbed at one of his eyes, and Shanks grinned as he clapped him on the back.

The mood was promptly broken by a resounding cry of "DADDY'S BOY!"

The line was then overwhelmed by the sound of scuffling and brawling. " _I'm going to turn you inside out and use your shell as a trophy! You hear me, you slimy little jackass!? A TROPHY!"_

" _JUST_ **try it** DADDY'S BOY! _HOOHOOHOO_ heeheehee **HAHAHA!"**

" _GET—OUCH!—GET OFF OF ME USO—YEOWCH!—_ AND LEAVE MY GODDAMN SNAIL ALONE!"

And the Red-Haired Pirates could barely hear anything else over their renewed laughter.

 **-o-**

Lassoo whined pitifully as he shrunk in on himself, putting on the biggest pair of puppy dog eyes he could muster up. "Do we _reaaally_ have to do this? I-I mean, I think that my cold's passed, really!"

"Weeell, we don't _have_ to…" I looked up faux-contemplatively before giving the canine-weapon a flat look. "As long as you're willing to _walk everywhere_ , and maybe take some lessons from Zoro and Sanji to be sure you can run fast enough to keep up with us."

The spark of hope in his eyes died, and he went back to whining.

"Besides, you were all gung-ho about getting rid of the cold yesterday!" I pressed firmly.

Lassoo's hackles cocked up an inch as he glared at Chopper and Usopp, snapping at them and causing them to flinch back. "Yesterday you only said that the long-nosed liar would have to dig through me! Now you want the newly-mad doctor to rummage through my insides too!? He's not even good with mechanics!"

"But he _is_ without a doubt one of the foremost experts on Zoan-type Devil Fruits in this hemisphere, and while he might not have any experience with Devil Fruit-imbued objects, he's a fast study," I explained. Again. "So, either you let him help you, or you're not going to have anyone around to help your mangy ass should anything translate wrong to your biological side."

" **What's it** _gonna be,_ MUTT?" Soundbite demanded.

Lassoo ground his fangs for a moment as he mulled things over before chuffing and glaring darkly at Usopp. "If I don't wake up, I _swear_ that I'm going to haunt you to the end of your days…"

With that parting statement, the weapon's body promptly distorted, his fur and flesh melting into polished metal, his circular barrel prevented from toppling over by his prominent shoulder-mounts.

Usopp stared blankly at the cannon for a moment before giving me a searching look. "Are you sure you don't want me to 'fix' him while I'm at it?" he asked in a voice that plainly stated he was only barely joking. "Who knows, it might improve his attitude."

I won't lie, I _did_ consider it for a brief moment before shaking my head. "Just a tune-up and a weight trim, Usopp, nothing more. And fair warning, he _can_ hear you while he's like this."

"Why do you think I said it…" Usopp muttered under his breath as he knelt over the weapon. "Alright, you said he had a manual?"

"Yeah, Miss Merry Christmas said that she stashed it in a compartment on him," I answered as I gave Lassoo's weapon-form a look-over. He was a lot like a typical pirate ship cannon, only combined with a portable rocket launcher. His bore was almost half the size of half a soccer ball, and the bulge in his barrel where his ammo was to be loaded was about the size of a beach ball. Overall, it was easy to see why Mr. 4 had been his user: chances were that the list of people capable of lifting him with ease without the use of Haki was as long as Zoro's directions were comprehensible. "If I had to guess, I'd say that it's probably hidden, so—!"

"Found it."

"Eh?" I blinked in surprise.

Usopp held up a pamphlet of papers an inch or two thick. "Hidden in the inner lining of his breech. Ingenious, really. It'd almost be risky if the materials that he was made of weren't sturdy enough. Now, let's see here…" He started flicking through the manual, his eyes scanning over the mechanical diagrams that covered the pages. "Hmm, looks like this only talks about how the gun itself works…"

"That's probably all that we'll need, though," Chopper noted. "After all, Lassoo's base form is a gun. I agree with Cross's assumption that any issues with him could be translating from mechanical to biological. I've already given him a look while he was fully canine and I didn't find anything, so whatever's causing his sneezing must be from a mechanical deficiency."

"Try looking for something around his base," I suggested. "Could be that something's wrong with his firing pin or—"

"Got it."

I felt a vein bulge on my forehead. "Alright, _now_ you're starting to tick me off."

Usopp ignored me in favor of showing off the complicated diagram he'd found. "It's his trigger mechanism, see? There's a design flaw in it; he can still fire fine, no problem, but it's also feather-sensitive. One wrong shake or movement—!"

" **BOO—!"**

BOOM!

Soundbite was cut off when we all jumped in shock as a stray wave suddenly hit the Merry, causing Lassoo to spontaneously discharge a baseball off the port bow.

We stared after the plume of water the wayward projectile had left before Usopp finally got his mouth working again. "Yeah, that… and I'm guessing that the sensitivity transferred over… maybe to his sinuses?"

Lassoo took this opportunity to shift into his canine-form, snorting and rubbing a paw over his snout. "Sorry about that…" he grumbled before looking up curiously. "But do you think you can fix it?"

"Hmm…" Usopp pondered, poring over the manual again. "The real question here is why they used this kind of mechanism in the first place. It's obviously inefficient, so why—waaaiiit…" Usopp flipped a few pages in the manual before tapping something he found and grinning victoriously. "Just as I thought! The trigger mechanism is so complicated because it was the only one they could come up with capable of launching and activating ammunition as unusual as the mutt's baseballs!"

He blinked as he thought that statement over before scratching his chin contemplatively. "Actually, I was wondering about that. How many baseball bombs do you have? I mean, you never seem to run out, you fired dozens of them while you were fighting us, and I never saw 4 or Christmas carrying any ammo belts—"

"I think I can explain that," Chopper offered thoughtfully. "Like the way the sensitivity of the trigger translates to the sensitivity of his sinuses, I hypothesize that Lassoo is capable of generating baseballs within his abdomen the same way the body produces stomach acid or bile." His mouth slowly started to open in a grin, widening molar by molar. "And it makes sense that it doesn't affect your hunger, either; _as countless Zoan fruits have displayed in the past, the powers are fully capable of producing mass in pre-determined formations out of thin air! It's only a small leap to assume that this ability could be used to replicate non-orga—_ GACK! I'M BACK, I'M BACK, DON'T HIT ME!" Chopper promptly yelped, flinching away from me in a panic as I raised my gauntlet-clad fist.

"Mmm-hmm…"

"Mmmyeah, I'm pretty sure that's how it goes…" Lassoo nodded in agreement, surreptitiously sliding a bit further away from Chopper. "I can't remember ever having to reload, and Master almost always had me in my hybrid form when we were fighting."

"Ohhh, now that gives me an idea," Usopp said, grinning. "If Lassoo can replicate any ammo in his chamber and hock it up, then I've got the perfect idea for an upgrade: I'll replace the trigger mechanism with something a lot more compact and efficient, and that'll let me fit in a cylinder, like in that revolver Mr. 5 had, which should allow for variable ammunition!"

"Ah, Usopp!" Chopper hastily piped up. "If you do that, you'll need to spread out the slimming down as evenly as possible, because if one part of his anatomy is slimmer than the rest, it could cause severe anomalies to appear in his biological transformation."

I looked at Lassoo, who looked between the doctor and the inventor before speaking.

"Just as long as my overall stopping power doesn't get cut down, that's all fine by me," he sighed at last.

"Alright, then!" Usopp clapped his hands with a truly evil smile. "Cross, go and get Zoro. We're going to be doing a _lot_ of precise metal-cutting. Once he's here…" The sniper's grin widened viciously as he yanked his goggles down over his eyes. "We can begin the operation!"

His grin promptly disappeared when Chopper snapped into his Muscle Point and cracked his fist over his friend's skull.

"NOT FUNNY!"

 **-o-**

"Well, it appears that this Soundbite doesn't have a lot of latitude in ways of personality, does he?" Merry mused as he poured out a cup of hot chocolate for himself.

"It _was_ kinda rude for him to ruin the moment for the Captain," Carrot said, the only one of the Veggie trio currently awake.

"Hmm, maybe so…" Kaya mused as she blew on her on mug.

" _AND YOU_ **smell like it** TOO! Shishishi!"

" _Watch it, shit-snail, or_ you'll _wind up in my pan for Nami-swan's lunch instead!"_

"I'LL BE GOOD, _**I'll be good!"**_ the snail hastily yelped.

"But you can't help but admit that he's quite humorous, wouldn't you say?" Kaya couldn't help but giggle.

" _Alright, with the resident_ jackass _nicely chastised, let's get back to it. So, Sanji, you were saying?"_

" _Ah, yes… as any chef of the sea worth his salt will tell you, not a single scrap of food should be wasted. Once you've extracted what many people would call 'the best parts,' you're left with enough materials to make another full-course meal. Pulverize the bones and head of the fish, mix in the guts and whatever scraps you have from the vegetables, except the skins, then roll the meat into balls and deep-fry them. Bitterness whets the appetite, preparing for the vegetable dish; vegetable skins have just as much to give as the cores…_ "

"I think that I should fetch the chef, he'll enjoy listening to this," Merry mused contemplatively as Sanji went on. "And their cook is so polite, too. The spitting image of a gentleman!"

" _Well, I'll say this for your methodology, Sanji, this_ definitely _looks good. Mind if I—?"_ A wooden THWACK rang out over the connection. " _YEOWCH! WHAT THE HELL, BASTARD?! YOU LET NAMI TASTE ALL THE TIME!"_

" _Yes, but she's a beautiful woman, whereas you're nothing but a shitty tactician with an even shittier snail on his shoulder."_

" _EXCUSE ME!?"_

" _WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ONE OF YOUR PLANS ACTUALLY_ WORKED _, HUH!? NOW BEAT IT, YOU'LL EAT WITH THE REST OF THE SHITTY GUYS IN HALF AN HOUR!"_

"SHIT COOK!"

" _BITE ME, SHIT SNAI—YEOWCH!"_

"I stand corrected. Shame on me for expecting Luffy to have anyone fully sensible on his crew…" The butler trailed off while the younger members of the audience fell into fits of laughter.

 **-o-**

"Alright, Soundbite," I stated as I lowered a pair of goggles over my eyes. "Are you ready to go?"

The gastropod gave me a flat look as he shifted around on the slab of meat he was sitting on. "YEAH YEAH, _I'm ready._ **But are the** _GOGGLES REALLY_ _ **necessary?"**_

"With any luck, no…" I shook my head as I positioned myself behind the Merry's mast. "But am I lucky enough to not need them?"

"No, you are most definitely _not_ ," Sanji said, shaking his head in agreement as he joined me, positioning his own goggles.

" **And why** _is swirly-_ BROW **HERE?"**

"Because it's bad enough that you two are using perfectly good food to test an attack." The cook glared at me for a moment, prompting me to fling up my hands in surrender before he directed his attention back at Soundbite. "There's no way in hell that I'm going to let you do this unsupervised. So, either I watch you do it, or you don't do it at all."

" _Tsk._ _ **Fiiiiine…"**_

"Alright, then…" I leaned around the mast to watch Soundbite, an action that Sanji mirrored. "Okay, Soundbite… Gastro-Blast, as hard as you can!"

Soundbite's grin became absolutely vicious as he held himself up high. "BOOM- _BOOM-_ _ **CLAP!"**_

 _SPLAT!_

I flinched behind the mast as the attack performed exactly as expected.

A little bit _beyond_ 'as expected', actually, as the puréed meat that had covered my face and most of the deck attested to.

I blew out the breath I'd been holding, shifted the goggles to my forehead and glanced at Sanji, who didn't look so much angry as downright stunned by what had just happened. "Still think I'm nuts for wearing these things?"

" **Alright,** _so you_ WERE RIGHT!"

I blinked in surprise at the fact that the direction of Soundbite's voice had changed and promptly looked towards where it was originating from.

" _ **NOW GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!"**_ he yowled from where he was clutching to our flag for dear life.

I blinked up at him in shock. "Riiiight…" I looked back at Sanji with a sheepish grin. "Provided you're not too mad at us, think you could get Soundbite down from there? I don't think I could climb the mast fast enough to get him before he loses his grip."

"Mad?" Sanji breathed, before grinning. "Mad?! Why would I be mad? Look at this!"

I flinched back as Sanji shoved a piece of meat that had been thrown at him under my nose. "Uh, great?" I said shakily. "Listen, could you maybe get Soundbite before explaining what's got you so happy? Because while snails might have great grips, there are still limits, and the sea is made of saltwater, _sooo…?"_

Sanji frowned momentarily before jumping the full distance to the crow's nest, casually plucking Soundbite off of the flag, and jumping back down. I blinked as the chef handed the gastropod over to me.

"Ooookay," I said as I slowly placed the twitchy snail back on my shoulder. "You were saying?"

The grin was back full force as Sanji brought back up the chunk of meat. "Alright, take a good look at this. Notice anything?"

I squinted at the meat, which looked like… well, meat. "I'm not seeing anything special besides the fact that that looks like a clump of mashed potatoes, Sanji," I replied.

"Well, this is what I get for signing up for a pirate crew," Sanji sighed. "Okay, first of all, Soundbite flash-cooked the meat. This—" He held up the brown lump again. "Is edible. I'd need to wash it, but it's edible. You could eat it right now. And second—"

Sanji pressed his fingers together, the meat shifting like chewing gum. "It's tender. Really tender. I'm sure you've heard the phrase 'melt in your mouth' applied to meat, but with a little refinement you could probably produce meat that _actually_ melts in your mouth. Do you have any idea the culinary possibilities this opens up? This could be the greatest discovery in cuisine since… since canning!"

"And all at the low-low cost of an attack that no human could possibly survive and that Miss Friday was _really_ lucky to walk away from," I deadpanned. "I hope you really like working with hyper-puréed ingredients, Sanji, because until we reach dry land and find some rocks or trees for Soundbite to practice on, a lot of ingredients are going to be _very_ drinkable."

The chef paused as he contemplated that statement, looking at the meat we were coated in in a whole new light. "I… you might have a point."

"Oh, I don't know…"

The three of us glanced up at the top level of the Merry, where Robin was leaning on the railing next to Nami's orchard.

"I can certainly see the appeal of an attack as lethal as that one. Although…" She swiped a stray puddle of liquified meat off of her shoulder and pinched it between her thumb and forefinger. "I suppose it could do to make less of a mess…"

" **Not all of** _us are balls-_ DEEP IN _**Neutral Evil,**_ _bitch,"_ Soundbite grumbled beneath his breath.

"Excuse me?"

I slapped Soundbite upside his shell before raising my voice. "Some of us prefer to opt for painful but non-lethal when we have the option available to us. I know that not killing isn't going to be an option forever, but that sure the hell doesn't mean that I'm not going to try and stay nonlethal for as long as I can. And besides…" I snapped out my baton and waved it in a telling manner. "As I'm sure the cracks in Mr. 13's skull will tell you, nonlethal does not necessarily mean soft, capiche?"

Robin chuckled lightly in response before holding her shirt out from her chest. "Well, on another topic, I feel I must ask: if messes like this are any indication, I'm going to need some new clothes the next time we reach a populated island. Might I know what the ship's policy is on our wardrobes?" she posed politely.

 _STOMP!_

All attention turned towards the doorway to the ship's cannon room, where Nami was leaning inside the frame of the door like a legitimate badass.

"Just how stupid do you think we are?" the navigator demanded coldly, glancing up at our new archaeologist out of the corner of her eye. "You might have managed to fool Luffy, not that that's exactly _hard_ , and I'm sure that Cross has _some_ reason that he's so cryptic around you, but me?" She jabbed a thumb at her chest with a dry chuckle. "I'm _smart._ I remember who you are. I remember that you were Crocodile's partner, and I remember what you did to Vivi and her country. You can play innocent and pretend to be our friend for as long as you want, but the _second_ you slip up, the moment you show your true colors…" In a flash she had her Clima-Tact assembled and pointing at Robin; the accompanying glare was arguably even more threatening than the electricity crackling over the tip. "I swear that I will beat you _senseless_ , and you won't see me coming even if you have eyes on every square inch of the Merry _._ Understood?"

Soundbite let out a low whistle. " _ **Daaaaaaamn,**_ GURL!"

I glanced up at Robin, and sighed at the way she was smiling before holding up my fingers. "And in three, two, one…"

"Oh, yes, perfectly understood. By the way… this is a bit of a non-sequitur, but I thought you should know that I managed to… liberate some of Crocodile's treasure as I left Alabasta. Would you care for some jewels?"

I had to actively fight to not be bowled over by the air current that formed from Nami rushing past me as she ran to glomp onto Robin. "I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER, BIG SIS!" she cried enthusiastically, her beri-shaped eyes shining just as much as she was drooling.

"NAMI!"

Nami snapped out of her wealth-lust in an instant as Vivi's voice cracked over her like a whip, her expression much like that of a child whose hand had gotten caught in a cookie jar as she faltered under the glare the princess was pinning her with from the forecastle.

"C-C'mon, Vivi!" she pleaded as she waved her arms energetically. "Th-This isn't what it looks like!"

"Even though it really is," Robin smoothly replied.

"N-n-no, it isn't! I'm ah, I'm…" Nami sputtered as she looked for a solution before her eyes alighted on the bag in Robin's hand, which she swiftly snatched up and displayed prominently. "See!? I'm stealing from her, I stole this! I-It was all just a _ruse_ to get close to her! Cat Thief Nami strikes once again! Hahaha—!"

"Actually…"

Nami froze mid-hamtastic-laugh as Robin's cool voice swept over her. "Those jewels were always intended for you, so really, all you're doing is taking my gift a little early."

"STOP HELPING ME!" Nami howled as she shook Robin's collar furiously, not even fazing the woman.

"OH, LADIES, _PLEASE_ STOP FIGHTING! MY HEART CANNOT—!" Sanji cried, spinning over to where Nami was attempting to throttle Robin… and unfortunately putting himself in range of Nami's wrath.

"THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO, LOVERBOY!" she raged, laying him out flat with a single punch before returning her attention to Robin.

I felt a sweatdrop hang off my skull before I glanced up at Vivi with a reassuring smile. "Look… Nami might have had a moment of weakness, but that's just how she is. You know that this won't change the fact that she'll always be on your side, right?"

My question was met with a cold stare and silence.

"R-right?"

Vivi turned away, giving me no answer as she refocused her attention on Usopp, whom she and Carue had been discussing matters of weaponry with throughout our little… experiment. "Sorry about that. So, you were saying?"

"Uh… riiight… How about this, then?" Usopp asked, holding up a sketch. Vivi took it and looked it over before nodding thoughtfully.

"Hmm… it seems heavier than I'm used to, but then again, I suppose that maybe I shouldn't be going subtle anymore. I think I can work with that."

"And whad aboud me?" Carue squawked.

I heard the sound of a page turning, and I barely registered Carue squawking again, either in excitement or disbelief, I couldn't tell which.

I kept my forlorn gaze on the forecastle for a moment before looking at Soundbite, who was himself sporting an uncomfortable grimace. "I need to fix this…"

 **-o-**

"YOYOI!" yelled a ridiculously tall man with an equally ridiculous head of pink hair. "And I thought that _ooouuur_ training was the only series of exercises so very seveeere!"

"For once, I agree with you," Jabra said, staring at the snail with an expression that was half-disgusted, half-impressed. "He may be a pirate, but if we ever end up fighting, I think he'll be able to put up a decent fight."

"But you shouldn't believe everything you hear, chapapa!" Fukuro said sagely.

"YOU'RE ONE TO TALK! YOU'RE ENIES LOBBY'S GO-TO FOR GOSSIP!" the wolf-man howled, clawing for the zipper to his mouthy compatriot's mouth.

" _So, yeah, if any of you want to become anything along the lines of the world's greatest swordsman? Remember this: that workout that you just heard Zoro put me through, one of many I've gone through since entering the Grand Line, just to get me to the point where I'll have a snowball's chance in Hell of standing up to him in a fair fight? He could do it with an elephant on his back, chugging a jug of sake that could melt Whitebeard's liver—you heard me, old man, I'm not taking it back!—while holding his sword in his teeth and with hot coals tied to his feet._ "

" _ **AND HE'S**_ **being** generous!"

" _Huh. That actually sounds like a nice challenge, Cross; any idea where I can get an elephant?_ "

"Here, chapapa," Fukuro said, glancing at the animated sword that was currently eating fruit with its trunk.

"WILL YOU CRAM IT ALREADY!?"

"… _Yeah, no. I'm just going to walk away and spare whatever dregs of my sanity are left… though really, that's just draining away, day by—oh, there's our new crewmate, let's see if she has anything to say! Hey, R—_ Mmph!"

"Huh?" Jabra blinked in confusion as the line went silent for a moment. With his acute hearing, he heard the sound of a pen moving on paper before said paper rustled.

"YOYOI! Perhaps some tragic misfortune has befallen our beloved commentator! Oh woe, oh tragedy—!" Kumadori started to lament.

"You realize that seeing how he's a pirate and we work for the World Government, we're mortal enemies with your 'beloved commentator', right?" Jabra reminded him dryly.

"INDEED! And such is the core of my misery! For though our lives deem us irreconcilable foes, my heart goes out to him yet for the showmanship he provides!"

The kabuki incarnate dropped to his knees, a large knife in his hand.

"As atonement for this unforgivable fallacy of Justice, I shall open my stomach! _Iron Body."_ The last words were droned out of habit as he plunged the blade into his stomach… and shattered it.

Jabra slapped a palm to his face, forcing himself to ignore his first instinct to gut his teammate himself, and instead focused on the question that came to mind. "Where the hell do you keep getting those swords anyways? I thought Spandam ordered the guys in the armory to cut you off!"

"They did. He's been stealing them from your collection," Fukuro provided out of the corner of his mouth.

"I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE, YOYOI!""

Well, so much for ignoring that instinct.

"Okay, that's it," Jabra growled, fur sprouting all over his body as he put on several tons of pure muscle. "Everyone _dies._ "

Thankfully for the two now-panicking assassins, they were saved by the broadcast promptly resuming. " _Sorry about that everyone, just had a… difference of opinion to sort out,"_ Cross apologized in a slightly put off tone of voice. Jabra got the distinct impression that the line had been delivered through gritted teeth.

" _ **Would it help if I said I had stage-fright?"**_ someone answered in a teasing tone. The voice was unique to say the least, both a male voice and a female voice speaking at once, producing an odd reverb effect.

" _It would if I actually believed you for a second…"_ Cross grumbled before sighing heavily. " _Anyways… This is our newest crewmate, XXX. If you're wondering about the static just now, as well as—huh?_ Seriously? _Ergh, you're killing my freedom of the press here!—as well as_ their _name being edited out, that was on account of XXX requesting that Soundbite censor out everything pertaining to their identity, on account of them being a somewhat infamous figure and really valuing their privacy. Needless to say, we won't be getting much out of them for this broadcast."_

" _ **My deepest apologies,"**_ the mystery figure replied in a tone of voice that plainly said he or she was both not sorry at all and more amused than anything.

" _For the record, you_ do _realize that a few words from you could blow the minds of people the world over, right? Not to mention the fact that I highly doubt we could be any_ more _wanted if we tried,"_ Cross pointed out.

Silence came from the other end for a few moments.

" _ **Perhaps at a later date…**_ " came the voice. " _ **But I feel I should warn you, Cross: the more you try and set the world on fire, the less ground you'll have to stand on."**_

"We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it," an old, weathered voice responded.

" _Soundbite's got a point,"_ Cross chuckled. " _The world's been burning for a long time now. All I'm trying to do is to get it to burn_ my _way."_

The mystery crewmate was silent for a second before chuckling lightly. " _ **You're a very strange individual, Cross."**_

" _THANK YOU_ **Captain** OBVIOUS!"

" _Gonna have to side with the snail there, XXX!"_

"Me too, chapapa," Fukuro said.

The wolf-man snarled as he reverted back to human form, looking to be fighting off the beginnings of a migraine as he walked towards the door.

"Alright, I'm getting out of here before you two _actually_ make me kill you. Besides, it's almost time for something I've been waiting for for a while now: a _date_."

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ "

"OF ALL THE TIMES!" Jabra snapped, storming back over to the snail and picking up the speaker. "WHAT!?"

" _That's sexual harassment_."

Jabra was dumbstruck for a few seconds. Then…

"AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DEEP-COVER OPERATION!?"

" _It had to be said. KA-LICK."_

"RAAAAAAGH!"

"YOYOI! Heeere he goooes again!"

"Would now be a bad time to tell him that his date reconsidered last night and is going to stand him up?"

And so, Spandam's next mission for the three assassins faced a delay of three weeks while the two weaker individuals were in the medical wing and their superior attended several severe (and ultimately futile) anger management classes.

 **-o-**

I furtively paced back and forth on the Merry's upper deck, waiting with bated breath and thoroughly wrung hands. I _really_ hoped that this would work, otherwise the next few years were going to redefine the word 'awkward'.

Thankfully, my concerns were marginally alleviated by the door to the kitchen opening up and Nami walking out, nodding at me in confirmation. "She's as ready to talk as she'll ever be."

I sighed in relief and nodded gratefully as I made for the door. "Thanks, Nami. Well, wish me luck."

However, before I could enter the kitchen, she caught my arm. "Are you _really_ sure that you want to do this?" she asked in concern.

I grimaced in response before shaking her off. "She's my friend. Do I have any other choice?"

Nami didn't have any response to that, and stepped back, letting me enter the kitchen. Vivi was sitting at the dining table, staring at the other seat and not giving any acknowledgement that I had entered the room.

For the longest time, I just… stood there, a heavy silence filling the air like molten lead. Not even Soundbite dared to break it, choosing instead to keep his jaws tightly shut.

Finally, Vivi broke said silence with a heavy sigh. "Alright, look—"

"I'm sorry, okay?!" I burst out, unable to take it anymore.

The princess blinked in surprise, taken aback by my outcry. "Cross—"

"Vivi, I am so, so, _so_ sorry for everything that's happened to you, for everything that I've done…" I dragged my hands down my face with a groan. "God, I don't think I can possibly apologize enough for all of this. Vivi, I have done so much wrong by you and you have every right to hate me for as long as I live, but your friendship is… one of the most important things in my life, and I can't bear the thought of you hating me. And… and I realize that I'm never going to be able to _truly_ make things up to you and that I am the _last_ person who should be asking you this, but I am begging you—" I fell on my knees at this point and clasped my hands together. "Literally _begging,_ for you to forgive me at this point. So, please… can you find it in your heart to do so?"

Vivi stared at me wordlessly for a moment, before dropping her eyelids to an unimpressed half-mast. "Well, that was overly dramatic," she droned.

I blinked in confusion as I processed that statement. "Eh?"

Vivi sighed in exasperation as she ran a hand through her hair. "I don't hate you, Cross. As a matter of fact, I forgave you when I broke your nose. That punch contained the main bulk of my grievances with you."

"… _Eh!?"_ I parroted with twice as much incredulity.

"Yeeeaaah…" The princess scratched the back of her head uncomfortably. "The silence and cold shoulder have primarily been me giving you a hard time. Though, in retrospect I suppose that I might have gone a bit far with it, I'll admit."

"You all but said that you wanted me to drop dead!" I squawked indignantly.

"In case you haven't noticed, Zoro and Sanji _actively_ try and kill each other every other hour on the hour," Vivi pointed out.

I held my finger up and opened my mouth to respond, before slowly dropping my finger with a grumble. "You… make a good point…" I admitted uncomfortably before trying to rally. "But… I mean, Alabasta… from one war to another, you really don't—?"

"Alright, first," Vivi interrupted me. "That is infinitely more the World Nobles' fault than it is yours, and second? Well…" She pondered for a minute before continuing. "The war we ended was them fighting and killing one another over a misunderstanding. But now… now they're fighting together, _united,_ and as much as I don't like it, I can't deny that they're actually fighting for a good cause this time. So…" she smiled lightly. "While it's not perfect, at least the blow is somewhat softened."

I slowly nodded, but hesitated at the _other_ point of contention on my mind. "And… about Nico Robin—?"

Aaaand cue the ambient temperature dropping several dozen degrees. "I don't like that she's here, and I _still_ don't trust her." She looked me straight in the eye, her face stony again, not angrily but accusingly. "But I do still trust you, and I know you wouldn't let her onboard without a good reason." She crossed her arms with a huff. "A reason that I _very much_ want to hear."

I barely hesitated before plastering a smile on my face and nodding frantically. "I can do that! I can totally do that!" I hesitated and glanced around nervously. "Er… Not now, mind you, not while the phrase 'the walls have ears' could be taken literally, but as soon as we get to the next island? Totally! I was going to tell Zoro and Nami anyway."

" _ **Suck-**_ UP," Soundbite stage-whispered.

"Kiss my ass," I retorted under my breath.

"Hmm… alright, then…" Vivi tapped her chin thoughtfully before starting to popping up a finger. "Well, while we're on speaking terms here, I'd like to be included in any more of those meetings that you have with them. Not all of them, necessarily, but the important ones so that I'm not surprised like I was with Yuba and Nico Robin."

"Of course, that's fine by me! The more the merrier! Four heads—!"

CHOMP!

"ACK!" I yelped in agony. "F-FIVE! Five heads are better than four!"

" _ **Better."**_

Vivi contemplated things a moment longer before giving me a vulpine grin. "Aaaaand you'll be taking over the female half of the bathroom-sanitation rotation until we reach our final destination."

"That's _completely_ fine!" I nodded eagerly, shooting her a pair of thumbs up before pointing towards the door. "I-in fact, I'll go and get started on that right now! See you at dinner?"

"Mm-hmm," Vivi hummed in agreement. "We can even go over some designs Usopp had for improving my arsenal."

"Perfect! See you then!" And with that, I rushed out of the kitchen, intent on beelining straight for the Merry's bathroom, before pausing as I caught sight of Nami holding herself up against a wall, doubled over with laughter.

"What? What's so funny?" I asked in confusion—and then the moment of comprehension hit me like a ton of bricks as I finished going over the tail end of the conversation.

"… Wait, what just happened?" I asked nobody in particular.

That just made Nami laugh even _harder._

 **-o-**

In one of the three islands where the Marines centered their power, one of the few warriors remaining from the era of Gol D. Roger sat in his office, eyeing his Transponder Snail with a contemplative frown.

"… _And after that, just keep the bandages on tight for about a day or so, and the wound should heal up nicely. Depending on the severity of the injury, there could be some residual scarring, but in my experience, most patients see that as more of a pro than a con,"_ said a young-sounding voice.

" _Heh! Now, isn't that the truth!"_ Cross chuckled in agreement. " _Take a look at_ this _bad boy."_ There was a slight rustling of cloth. " _And tell me that this doesn't look badass to you!"_

"THE EXPERIENCE _**was less THAN PLEASANT,**_ though."

" _Yeah, well, of course, that goes without saying."_

"If this is any indication for what an average broadcast will be like," an elderly voice cut in as its owner entered the office. "Then I think that you and the rest of the upper brass are making a big fuss about nothing."

Sengoku grunted in acknowledgement, never moving his attention from the snail before him. "Tsuru."

"Sengoku, Gruffy," the aged vice-admiral nodded back, receiving a bleat of greeting from the goat munching on papers in the corner of the room before seating herself across from her old friend. "So, you really think this rookie could be anything of a threat? After all, he's neither the D. of the crew—" Tsuru's lips quirked slightly as Sengoku visibly twitched at the mention of the accursed letter. "Nor its captain. Don't you think you might be overreacting a little?"

Sengoku grumbled darkly as he continued to glare at the snail on his desk. "We outlawed the Transceivers for a reason, and his initial broadcast showed that it was a good reason. Innocuous though this broadcast may seem to be now, it's too dangerous to be allowed to exist; at best, we have a group of role models for other pirates. At worst, we have a budding threat comparable to Dragon himself."

Tsuru let out a disbelieving scoff. "I don't know how he came across the transceiver, but do you really think that one boy with a big mouth can do as much damage as the Revolutionary Army?"

" _Well, this has been Chopper's Medical Discussions. Now, for the last part of today's broadcast, how about some one-on-one time with your host? I've saved the best for last, though let me first remind you, viewers: we created the SBS to be able to tell our side of the story. And that goes beyond just telling you about the bright side of things. So tonight, I bring you an insider's look on the part of the World Government that concerns me and mine directly: the justice system. While a lot of pirates in the world would be better off in prison… I think that the World Government goes too far with their treatment of them. Some of you may agree with me, some of you may not, but make your choice after I inform you of the hell that is the World Government's choice of internment facilities. I speak, of course, of the great underwater gaol, Impel Down."_

"There's your answer, Tsuru," Sengoku grunted.

"Psh, you're overreacting," the vice-admiral scoffed dismissively. "So the boy will share some half-baked theories about what goes on in Impel Down, there are a million of those floating around! A few more won't be a problem."

" _Fair warning, viewers: remember when I said that this broadcast isn't for the faint of heart?_ This _is what I meant. Any of you who are easily squeamish may want to leave now… Gone? Good. Now then, let's start at the very top of this horror show. I speak of Level 1 of 5… The Crimson Hell."_

You could have heard a pin drop in the Fleet Admiral's office, it was so silent… well, apart from the goat's oblivious chewing, of course.

" _You hear that? That sound was a million and one Marine officers around the world simultaneously voiding their bowels. Surprise, you sons of bitches: I'm not bluffing."_

" _ **HOW YOU**_ **like us** _NOW,_ HUH!?"

"You were saying about us not having a problem?" Sengoku dryly asked his old friend, his desk starting to crack beneath his grip.

Tsuru was actively gnawing her lip now as she eyed the grinning Transponder Snail in concern. "Alright…" she started slowly, visibly rethinking several opinions. "So it would appear he's more well-informed than we had suspected. I imagine that this broadcast will cost us some public opinion and cause some outrage, but with any luck we can still run damage control…"

" _Now, where was I… Oh, wait! Before we resume our little documentary into the penal system—"_

"Heheheh, _**you said 'penal'."**_

" _Oh, real mature."_

"I AM _**literally ONE**_ and a twelfth."

"… _point. As I was saying, before we resume our documentary, I felt it only appropriate that we offer a tip of the hat and a flip of the bird to the primary wardens of the Government's illustrious negative-five star human roach motel. Domino, Saldeath, Hannyabal, Sadi, all of you sadistic fuckers take a bow! But, of course, let's not forget the king of this shitshow, the good Warden Magellan! Without this fine, upstanding bastard's inventive applications of the Venom-Venom Fruit—again, that is the_ Venom-Venom Fruit, _which allows the user to produce a myriad of poisons and toxins from their body—I imagine that countless individuals would have suffered much less painful and much less agonizing demises. Let's give the demons of the World Government's man-made hell a hand, folks, a big big_ big _hand!"_

"…I'll stop talking now," a thoroughly chastised and very pale Tsuru whispered, sweating despite the fact that she wasn't the target of Sengoku's glare.

"Go and get me every Transponder Snail on base, and start calling _every. Single. Base_ in Paradise that lies beyond Alabasta," Sengoku growled out viciously, the woodwork of his office starting to crack beneath the sheer aura of his presence. "I might not approve of Akainu's style, and I am certainly nowhere near the point where I am prepared to let him off his leash, but so help me, at this moment I want it made known that I want this bastard's tongue _on a silver platter, am I understood?"_

Tsuru nodded hastily, not trusting herself to speak.

" _GO."_

As she put every fiber of her being into obeying the order, the Vice-Admiral was _very_ grateful that a thorough knowledge of the Six Powers was a prerequisite for joining the upper echelons of the Marines' hierarchy.

Sengoku took a moment to take several deep breaths and compose himself, and he was halfway through mentally composing an apology for his old ally when his mood was soured anew by the familiar tremors shaking his office.

"STOP FUCKING LAUGHING, GARP!" the Fleet Admiral roared as he stamped his foot on the floor, an action that only made the tremors intensify.

 **-o-**

"Well, that's all for this broadcast, but stay tuned for more craziness and more things that the World Government would rather castrate themselves than tell you. Until then, this is Jeremiah Cross—"

" **And** _SOUNDBITE!_ "

"—of the SBS, signing off."

I replaced the speaker with a satisfied smile; the day had been very productive so far. Portraying our crew in a good light, spreading more chaos for the Marines, _and_ making peace with Vivi, no matter how badly I got suckered? I simply couldn't picture how the day could get better! I turned to head for the kitchen—

" _Puru puru puru puru!—_ HUH?"

When I was reminded how Fate responded to temptation by Soundbite beginning to ring. I blinked in surprise as I processed the turn of events, and then my mind caught up to me.

I hastily brought my fingers to my lips and let out a sharp whistle. "Nami, Zoro! Staff meeting!" I belted out as I headed towards the storage room, the two following behind me.

"What is it, Cross?" Zoro asked gruffly.

" _I'M—Puru puru puru puru!—_ **getting a** _ **CALL!**_ " Soundbite answered.

"And there's only one person who knows his number," I said as I shut the door.

Or at least, as I _tried_ to shut the door, on account of my progress being impeded by a foot getting in the way. I looked around the frame, and was met with a thoroughly nonplussed royal.

"Ahem?" Vivi coughed, tapping her other foot on the deck.

I weighed my options for a moment before grimacing and stepping back, allowing her inside. "Yeah yeah, a deal's a deal. But pleeeease promise me that you won't blab anything we need to keep secret to anyone who shouldn't know it?"

I was gratified by the sight of Vivi's dignified strut being broken by her stumbling and nearly face-planting before she wheeled around to glare at me with a furious blush. "T-that was one time!"

" **YOU DRAGGED** _us into—Puru puru puru puru!—_ A REBELLION!"

Vivi flinched back slightly before giving me a hesitant grin. "I said I'm sorry?"

"Yeah, because that'll make my shoulder stop burning…" I muttered to myself before picking up the receiver from the transceiver, Soundbite letting out a " _KA-LICK!"_ as I did so before his expression shifted. I wasn't entirely surprised to see the grimace that he adopted. "Hello, Hard-Ass Marine Hotline, Bobby speaking, how may I direct your call?"

" _Cross,_ " an all-too familiar and gruff voice responded.

"Ah, Commodore Smoker! I assume you'll be calling for the two-for-one special we're offering on cigars… and soldier's remorse?"

Silence for a few seconds.

"… _I'm not even going to bother asking where the hell_ _you got that transceiver, but_ _do you have any idea how much hell this stunt of yours is going to raise?"_ he said, his tone remaining colorless.

"HA!" I barked sardonically, even going so far as to slap my knee. "Who says you don't have a sense of humor, Smoker, because _that_ was hilarious! Or at least, it was a major coincidence, because you know what _my_ thought process was when I came up with the idea? I was well past giving a damn about what the World Government did. What say you, Vivi?" I handed the mic over to the princess, who accepted it with a stormy expression of her own.

"I was a bit emotional at the time, so I wasn't exactly thinking straight, but I _think_ that my thought process was somewhere along the lines of 'fuck every last one of the bastards who banished me from my home, _hard.''_ " Vivi concurred harshly.

Soundbite's expression twitched viciously, but before he could say anything his demeanor shifted into a much more hesitant mood bracket. " _I don't suppose we can continue this conversation in a more… private setting, Cross? We're calling you to discuss very private, very delicate matters."_

"This _is_ private, Ensign. The only ones listening besides me are the first, second, and third mates of the crew… and Soundbite, of course, but there's no easy way of dealing with that particular parasite," Vivi replied.

" **FUCK YOU** _too,_ VIVI."

Soundbite's expression remained hesitant for a moment longer before twisting back into a hard-assed sneer. " _Relax, Tashigi, we knew this wouldn't be a formal affair going in. Besides, it's not like we're alone on our end, either."_

 _That_ drew a look of surprise from all of us.

"Come again?" I asked in confusion.

And just like that Soundbite's expression shifted. Not that much, all things considered. He still looked like he had a pole shoved up his ass, but it was… softened, if that makes sense. Like his hard-assness was somehow subdued.

" _Hina is… surprised…"_ he eventually stated in a female voice. " _Even after listening to that broadcast, I didn't think that pirates like those on your crew actually existed, much less that I'd ever actually interact with anyone like you."_

I blinked in confusion as I processed this development before grinning impishly. "Captain Hina! Wonderful to hear from you again, how _are_ your men?"

Ah, _there_ was the scowl of feminine fury I was becoming so familiar with. " _Beaten, bruised and wet from being thrown off their ships."_

"Kung-Fu Fleet, called it!" I cackled ecstatically. "Alright, pay up, who owes— _ACK!"_

"Hurry up and start talking, Smoker," Zoro growled as he placed Kitetsu back at his side from where he'd slapped it into my neck. "Before Cross gets his voice back."

"Screw… you…" I wheezed.

Soundbite flashed an irritated expression that I can only imagine was Tashigi's before re-adopting Smoker's grim smirk. " _At least one of you is capable of taking things seriously."_

The smirk faded the next second as he spoke again.

" _I have to admit that I'm impressed, Cross. I never thought that any pirate would actually be able to shake my faith in the Marines, but you managed it."_

I promptly sobered up as I massaged my throat. "In my defense, I didn't do jack, Smoker. All I did was draw attention to an ugly truth you would have become aware of either way."

" _Then I suppose I should thank you for showing it to me sooner rather than later."_

I blinked in shock as I processed that statement before digging my finger in my ear canal. "Excuse me? I'm sorry, I appear to have an ear infection, did you just _thank me?"_

Smoker snorted dispassionately. " _Don't count on it happening again anytime soon, Cross. But seriously. I'm calling you because you showed me what the system I work for is really like. Because I saw the truth of the world, and… frankly, I'm disgusted by it."_

"We're _disgusted by it,"_ Hina clarified. " _All of us, Hina's and Smoker's soldiers included."_

"And you're telling us this because…?" Nami trailed off questioningly.

" _We're telling you because we intend to do something about it,"_ Tashigi explained. " _And we want you to help us with the endeavor."_

I practically felt my blood freeze in my veins. "Okay…" I whispered slowly. "Now I _know_ that I have an ear infection, because there's no way in _hell_ that I can believe the fact that I just heard a tight-laced Marine like you ask for my help in _tearing down the World Government."_

" _We don't want to tear down the—!"_ Tashigi started to protest before she was cut off.

" _Believe it, Cross, because you just heard it,"_ Smoker interrupted.

" _Cap-C-Commodore!?"_ Tashigi sputtered in shock.

" _Smoker, what are you—?!"_

" _Oh, stop kidding yourselves, you two,"_ Smoker barked harshly. " _This corruption goes straight to the top and you both know it. If we want to save any trace of Justice left in this world, then we're going to need to destroy the world from the ground up to salvage it."_

The room went dead silent. Everyone's jaws, even Zoro's, hit the floor. Soundbite himself couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth.

I slowly glanced back at the swordsman. "Zoro? Hit me again, I must be dreaming; making _Alabasta_ go Revolutionary is more believable than the same being said of _Smoker_."

" _I am_ not _a goddamn Revolutionary!"_ Smoker snarled. " _Those sons of bitches are wanton anarchists and they drag civilians into the crossfire. Me? I don't give a damn about politics or the bullshit that comes from dealing with it. This is a matter of policy change, pure and simple. Justice needs to be harsh, impartial, completely unbiased by trivialities like political agendas. And yet, as I've been shown in the past twenty-four hours, that's not the case right now."_

"So… what are you proposing, then? How do you expect pirates to help you change Marine policy?" Vivi asked incredulously.

" _We… we don't,"_ Tashigi reluctantly answered, apparently regaining her mental footing. " _We're the ones who vowed to enforce and protect Justice. This… this is our mess, we'll take care of it on ourselves."_

" _Save that the current 'ourselves' to which she's referring is not very substantial,"_ Hina sighed. " _As it stands, we have around two or three thousand soldiers who we trust that are directly loyal to us and would support our cause. And while I'm sure that we could probably find more out there who would be willing to join our movement for reform…"_ Hina's scowl deepened as Soundbite mirrored her chewing on her cigarette. " _Hina is afraid that searching them out without being discovered by the very people we oppose would be a nigh impossible task."_

" _In short, Cross… we want you to be an informant,"_ Smoker summarized.

"Come again?" Nami questioned in disbelief.

" _Well, you see, back in Alabasta, Cross mentioned that he knew of the existence of other 'decent Marines' out in the world,"_ Tashigi explained. " _I'm assuming that he knows more beyond the ones who he said are dead?"_

I fidgeted slightly under the searching gazes everyone shot at me as I wracked my brain. "Ah… I… can name a few, yeah…" I hedged hesitantly. "A Captain, some Vice-Admirals… Aokiji's a hard maybe on this, the guy is cryptic and could go either way… Heck, best case scenario, _maybe_ you could swing Kizaru? Though chances are that the bastard could turn right back around on a dime and blast you to dust the moment he got bored… or just if he felt like it, he is _really_ hard to get a read on…" The last bit was grumbled to myself more than anyone.

" _Yeah, well, even if your current list is short, with any luck, you'll come across more of them as you keep moving through the Grand Line."_ Smoker grunted. " _We're asking you to keep an eye out for anyone who's a fan of your show, anyone with a reputation of being stubborn against orders… or anyone that your crew manages to leave an impression on. I doubt we'll be the last._ "

"Understatement…" Nami muttered to herself.

"And… what, I just tell them that there's a group of Marines trying to stage a righteous coup?" I demanded. "I doubt they'll believe me, and even if they did, what about the chance of things being passed up the line until magma starts falling on your heads?"

" _That's a risk we're willing to take, Cross,"_ Tashigi stated firmly. " _But… still, just in case, we brought another Transponder Snail incognito while we were near Alabasta. If you agree—"_

" _He just raised the kind of absolute hell that no one since Gold Roger has, and that's just with the first two broadcasts. Do you_ really _think he's going to pass this up?"_ Smoker scoffed incredulously.

"… _Right. Well, anyways, you'd call that snail and we'd vet whoever you sent to us. It wouldn't be a perfect system, I know, but at least it'd give us somewhere to start."_

" _Tashigi would be your handler in this situation,"_ Hina clarified. " _You'd primarily make contact with her and she'd act as our go-between."_ She paused, seeming to choose her words carefully. " _Cross, Hina realizes that what we're asking is not an easy task—"_

"Save it, I'll do it," I interrupted, looking at my friends one by one and confirming that none of them seemed to have any issues with the arrangement. "Anything to stick it to the bastards who hurt my friend and to make our world just a little bit less of an absolute shithole. Just one condition: you get wind of any Marine attacks coming our way, you help us steer clear. It might go against what you stand—"

" _The hell it does. As convoluted as it might seem, you pirates are helping us salvage Justice. If you get caught, then the world suffers for it,"_ Smoker interrupted. " _You're just lucky that I got pulled off your tail by Marineford. After all, I wouldn't hesitate to hold back._ "

"Oh, of course not, as if we would ever expect anything else," Nami deadpanned.

" _Before I forget, Cross. We've arrested most of Baroque Works by now, but a few agents have slipped through the cracks: the Mr. 5 pair, Mr. 3's partner, and… Nico Robin. Any ideas where they are?_ "

I frowned and glanced at everyone thoughtfully before looking back at Soundbite. "On the first two, I'm gonna say… let the chips fall where they may, and on the last…" I glanced back at Vivi before continuing. "Suffice to say that I believe she's right where she deserves to be."

"… _She's on your ship, isn't she,"_ Tashigi stated more than asked.

"Hey hey, I'm not denying she's a bitch," I raised my hands defensively before glancing around for help. A questioning look at Soundbite earned me a so-so gesture, and I decided to risk it. "…I'm just saying that she's got a Freudian excuse _six battleships big_ , got it?"

Tashigi ground her teeth y for a second before breathing out a heavy sigh. " _In for one beri, in for them all… Alright, Cross, I'll take your word for it… for now."_

"Well, alright, then," I said, nodding and moving to hang up the transponder. "Now then, if that's everything…"

"Uh, one question?" Vivi raised her hand. "Does your… group have a name or…?"

"… _goddamnit."_

" _Hina told you they'd ask, Smoker."_

" _If… any of you have any suggestions—?"_

"How about MI3?"

Attention snapped to the speaker, all of us staring at them in shock. And why not!? They were the last person we'd expected to speak! _I_ certainly didn't see it coming, that's for sure!

Zoro responded with a unilateral stinkeye. "What? I come up with all my attack names on my own, I can be creative."

"And it would stand for…?" Nami trailed off expectantly.

Zoro shrugged with a grunt. "Marine Integrity 3. After all, they're fighting to reform the Marines and the three of them are leading it, so…"

Soundbite's eye twitched before he spoke in Tashigi's thoroughly peeved voice. " _That has got to be the most_ bone-headed—!"

" _It'll do for now. Thanks for the contribution, Pirate Hunter,"_ Smoker cut her off with a dirty grin.

" _Wha—!? SIR!"_

" _Goodbye for now, Cross,"_ the Commodore forged on, ignoring his subordinate's protests. " _Here's to the start of a long and hopefully successful venture."_

And with a KA-LICK, Soundbite resumed his normal, if bemused, expression.

Silence hung in the air for a few moments until Nami groaned and slapped a hand to her face. "So, Cross…" she ground out. "Any _other_ insanity you'd like to lay out on us?"

"Hey, now," I waved my hands defensively. "This is com- _pletely_ off-script! Trust me, from now until when I say so, you literally _cannot_ blame me for whatever madness comes our way… unless you can trace it to me directly, of course."

Without any warning whatsoever, the Merry suddenly _lurched,_ jerking and nearly throwing us all off of our feet.

The air was split by Usopp's very familiar and all-too-feminine shriek.

"AAAAAAH! IT'S THE KRAKEEEEN!"

I blinked in surprise as I processed that statement.

"Huh… that's odd, he's two years early."

Judging by the way Nami shrieked and tried to throttle me, she did _not_ appreciate my commentary.


	26. Chapter 25 - Octopus Shogunate

**Chapter 25**

 **Patient AN: Xomniac, you're a mad genius. I'm helping you write this thing, and I** _ **still**_ **don't see how you do this…**

Once Zoro and Vivi managed to pry Nami off my throat, we made our way onto the deck, where we were met with a… very good justification for Usopp's panic. Indeed, the Merry was in the process of being assaulted by a number of very large, very thrash-y tentacles. Thankfully, Luffy, Sanji, Lassoo, and the Dugongs were doing as good a job as we would expect in fending off the offending appendages, preventing them from causing any scar-worthy damage to the Going Merry. Robin was casually reading a book in her deck chair, disembodied hands occasionally twisting away some tentacle or other, while Chopper turned others into pincushions with flurries of precise scalpel strikes, ranting and raving all the while. As for Usopp and Carue, well… they were midway up the mast, clinging to it for dear life.

All in all, the exact scene of madness I'd expected to find on the Going Merry's deck at any given day.

"What the hell…" Nami muttered beneath her breath.

I took one look at the tentacles taking swipes at our crewmates before snapping my fingers with a mutter of 'Gastro-Amp' and raising my voice. "Hey, Usopp, good news! It's not the Kraken! Not only are his tentacles way bigger, but he's brown, not red!"

"Really?" Usopp called back. "Oh, well, that's alright, then, I guess we'll just leave WHY THE HELL DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE GODDAMN KRAKEN LOOKS LIKE!?"

I exchanged cheeky smiles with Soundbite before shrugging innocently. "Would you believe me if I said I was an avid fan of oceanology?"

" _I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ONE DAY, CROSS!"_

" _AND AH'LL HELP!"_

" **TAKE** _ **a**_ _number!"_ Soundbite snickered.

"Well, whatever this thing is," Boss grunted as he smacked the brunt of a tentacle away with a punch before using his rope-dart to slam one of the limbs into another. "There's no way in hell we're letting it lay a hand on _our_ ship! Right, boys?"

"RI-GAH!" Mikey started to concur eagerly before he was interrupted by Raphey tackling him out of the way of a tentacle that was about to pancake him. "Aheh… thanks?"

"Less talking, more ass-whipping," the other dugong scowled as she stabbed away a tentacle.

"Let me help you with that…" Lassoo snarled as he opened his jaws towards one of the tentacles. "EAT THI—!" _SPLAT!_ "HURK!"

"Lassoo!" I yelped, leaning over the edge of the railing and staring nervously at at my dog-gun, who was hunched over and hacking and wheezing something fierce. "Are you alright?"

The dog-gun managed to spit up a lump of ugly-looking black ooze before shaking his head in discomfort. "Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine…" he grumbled to himself, before darting at the mast and scrambling partway up, snapping viciously at Usopp's ass. "HE WON'T BE ONCE I'M DONE WITH HIM!"

"WHAT THE HELL DID I DO!?" Usopp yowled miserably as he tried to scoot up and away from the pseudo-dachshund's jaws.

"YOUR STUPID AMMUNITION MISFIRED IN MY FREAKING GULLET!"

"WHAT? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN, I WAS SURE THAT FORMULA WAS STABLE!"

"TELL THAT TO THE GUNK IN MY THROAT!"

I couldn't help but snicker as I watched Usopp try his level best to avoid becoming doggie chow. Unfortunately for him, after Lassoo's… 'operation', for lack of a better word, his BMI had decreased considerably, changing his physique from a massive log of a canine to a far slimmer and far more natural-looking size, allowing him to make considerable headway up the mast.

The bulge in his barrel had also been replaced with a larger revolver cylinder, which was protected by its own armor plate, and his overall circumference had been reduced to about a foot around or so. The change in mechanisms had translated into the discoloration of a patch of fur around his midsection, but apart from that the zoan-weapon was fit as a fiddle.

Luckily for Usopp, before Lassoo could shimmy his way far enough up the mast, Nami drew his attention by rapping the butt of her Clima-Tact on the deck.

"You can maul the long-nose _later,_ mutt!" she ordered as she swung her moderately electrified staff at a tentacle that had gotten a little _too_ close. "For now, _help protect our goddamn ship!"_

Lassoo cast a final baleful glare up at Usopp before dropping back down and resorting to using his conventional explosive ammunition against the limbs.

I was about to join in the fight when a thought occurred to me. "Hey, Nami!"

"Wha— _GAH!"_ Nami cut herself off with a strangled shriek as one of Vivi's Peacock String Slashers sliced through the air inches to her right in order to ward off a tentacle she'd failed to notice. " _Watch it, Vivi!—_ WHAT!?"

I winced reflexively before her fury before refocusing myself. "Water tends to amplify vibrations, right?"

"Yeah, what about it!?"

Instead of answering her I cocked my eyebrow at the gastropod I was toting. "Soundbite, you remember that gut-churning trick you devised before we reached Alabasta?"

The snail in question gave me a searching look before allowing an eager grin to cross his face. " **Yeeeaaah?"**

"Well, I've just come up with a name for it. Think you can layer it on the water around the ship without hitting anyone else?"

Soundbite's grin promptly took on a bloodthirsty glint. " _Ooooh,_ _ **yeeeaaaah!"**_

"Then in that case…" I surreptitiously slid my earphones on and held them in place in preparation. "Soundbite, Gastro-Phony!"

In response, Soundbite promptly opened his jaws and the air was _filled_ with a myriad of noises, from music to laughter to shrieking and every other sound in between. A second later, the tentacles froze and shuddered violently, jerking and lashing out frantically as though their owners were in the midst of a grand mal seizure before snapping back under the water. Everyone onboard abruptly stopped attacking or panicking in favor of looking at me and the snail.

" _COME BACK HERE, YOU LONG-LIMBED MULTI-DEXTROUS CEPHALOPODA!"_

Well, almost everyone.

" _I'LL TEACH YOU TO DISRUPT MY RESEARCH INTO BIOCHEMICAL WARFARE! JUST YOU COME UP HERE AND SHOW YOUR SLIMY FACES AGAIN, I DARE YOU,_ _ **I DARE—!"**_

THWACK!

"OUCH!… Thanks, Sanji."

"Anytime, Chopper."

"Uh, am I the only one who heard the words 'biochemical—' MMPH!?" Donny started to question before Mikey gagged him.

"Shh, I wanna see how big of a boom he makes!" the nunchuck-wielding dugong snickered, much to the bo-staff wielder's panic.

" **GASTRO-** _Phony?"_ Soundbite questioned with a tilt of his head.

I shrugged innocently. "Meant to be short for cacophony because of all the noises you layer in. You like?"

"EHHH…" Soundbite cocked eyestalks back and forth. " **Not bad,** _ **has a ring to it.**_ **STILL,** _I WOULD HAVE_ **used that FOR WHEN I** _steal someone's_ _ **voice**_."

"Eh," I shrugged indifferently. "Maybe Gastro-Clone? In honor of our old friend Bentham."

" _ **Fair enough!"**_

"Shut up, you idiots," Zoro growled, hand straying to his swords. "This isn't over yet."

" _WHAT?!"_ Soundbite snapped incredulously. " **I packed enough** _ **into that one to**_ LEAVE 'EM WRITHING IN _THE WATER FOR_ **another ten minutes!"**

"A _human_ ," Zoro retorted. "I'd think an octopus would react a bit differently."

"Zoro's right," Chopper added, rubbing the back of his head. "Octopi have a very different body structure, and they don't have anything like our inner ear. You scrambled whatever they use to listen, but I doubt that'll keep them down for long. If I had to bet…" He shot an uneasy glance over the edge of the Merry. "You just made them _mad."_

Usopp's head was practically on a swivel as he scanned the water. "D-Do you think they're getting reinforcements?"

As one, just about everyone in the crew snapped a disbelieving glare at the sniper.

"R-Right, stupid question."

As all this was going on, I noted that the dugongs had drawn up in a huddle, one they were just breaking.

"Captain!" Boss Dugong announced, one flipper in a salute. "Permission to go scout out the underwater situation?"

"Oh, that sounds like a good idea! Go for it!" Luffy grinned eagerly.

Nodding in understanding, Boss promptly flipped over the edge of the Merry, performing a picture perfect dive into the ocean. Not three seconds later, his rope-dart shot out of the water and buried itself in the wood of the mast before the line pulled itself taut and yanked Boss back aboard.

"WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE, NOW NOW NOW!" he roared in a panic.

"Huh!?" Nami blinked in confusion as the dugong made a dash for the cannon room. "What are you talking about? How many octopi are down there?"

"FORGET THE OCTOPI!" Boss snapped as he started to lug the oars and makeshift harnesses for him and his squad out. "WE'VE GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS! _WAY_ BIGGER! WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW, BEFORE—!"

Without warning, Soundbite's eyestalks stood at attention in panic. " _ **TOO LATE!"**_

"What?!" I sputtered. "The hell are you—!?"

And then the ocean around the ship _exploded_ in several locations, massive plumes of water shooting upwards due to the force of multiple objects breaching the surface. Objects that, once the rush of water slowed, were revealed to be—

"Are those _pagodas?"_ I asked in dull shock.

"If you're referring to the towers traditionally found in the isolated country of Wano and that the Marine headquarters at Marineford is styled after…" Vivi breathed weakly as she watched the massive multi-eaved towers rise around us. "Then _yes,_ those are pagodas…"

"Well, this is becoming quite interesting," Robin said, and her tone made it clear that she _was_ interested. "Judging by the lack of barnacles or algae, it would appear that despite the submergence, the architecture appears to have no water damage."

"I have a more important question!" Nami squawked. " _HOW THE HELL ARE THEY COMING OUT OF THE WATER!?"_

"You're about to find out…" Boss proclaimed weakly as he hung onto the rigging for dear life, the other four dugongs following his example with no small amount of fear at seeing their mentor as shaken as he was.

" **BRACE FOR IMPACT!"** Soundbite hollered in agreement.

" _What_ impa—?"

SPLOOSH!

"— _GAH!"_

My question devolved into a scream of terror as both the Merry and the ocean around her was… well, lifted, as if by a ladle the size of Laboon. Though really, 'lifted' was a bit of a tame term, on account of how the sheer momentum of our movement pinned most of us to the deck. The clouds themselves seemed to jerk towards us as we rocketed upwards. Thankfully the ordeal only lasted about a minute or so… though the 'thankful' part was rather conditional, on account of how the sudden halt jerked us all off the deck before slamming us right back down again.

We took a brief moment to groan in pain and discomfort before Carue finally managed to get his beak working again. "Whad da heck wath that?" he moaned miserably.

"The beginning of a _very_ bad time…" Boss sighed wearily. "If I had to guess, hang on _again."_

Before anyone could question what he meant, a dozen relatively massive tentacles (tiny when compared to Surume) blasted out of the water, grabbing onto the Merry and lifting her up and out of the water before any of us could react.

I struggled to my feet as I tried to keep from being bowled over by the shaky footing the octopi's grip was causing on our ship. "Okay, I'll be the first to ask it. _What the hell is going on!?"_

"Uhhh, guys?" Leo offered uncomfortably from where he was hanging onto the rigging with the rest of the dugongs. "I think I can offer that. Look." He pointed out from the side of the ship with a shaky flipper.

Our gazes all followed his flipper, and most of the crew's jaws, my own included, promptly dropped open in shock. Even Robin's mouth was open, though nowhere near as much as everyone else's.

"Hooooly _shit_ ," I breathed numbly.

Nobody else had any opinions to offer, so stunned were they by the sight before us. Heck, out of the corner of my eye, I could see that even _Merry's_ jaw was hanging open.

Simply put, we were being held over… a city. Not just any city, mind you, but a city straight out of Feudal Japan. Every bit of it, from the traditionally imperial architecture to the coral trees sculpted in the shape of large bonsai, just about _screamed_ samurai and honor. Even odder was the location the Merry was in presently: a lake, of all things, surrounded by a green rim, dotted at regular intervals with small dips in the ridge. The lake was what appeared to be the exact center of the city, at its highest point with everything sloping down around it. I could still see the ocean, thankfully enough, just beyond the edges of the circular city… well, circular save for the oddly untamed section of stone that seemed to protrude from the city's border, apart from two separate chains running to it. In fact, if I squinted, it kinda look like—

"…Guys…" I whimpered, just a hint of panic creeping into my voice. "Tell me, does that big rock remind you of anything?"

"Uh…" Nami took out her spyglass and looked through it, before promptly strangling its neck, nearly crumpling the metal. "Cross…" she hissed out fearfully. "Tell me we're not in the middle of a lake in the middle of a city _built on the back of a giant freaking sea turtle!"_

"I do believe that I can do you one better, Miss Navigator," Robin chuckled as she looked downwards with avid curiosity. "We appear to be in the middle of a lake in the middle of a city built on the back of a giant sea turtle… that is populated exclusively by octopi."

A moment of silence. Then…

"EH!?" we all bellowed collectively as we followed her gaze.

As the archaeologist-assassin had said, red-skinned and rubbery cephalopods were all over the city, dragging themselves to and fro across the streets and acting… well, acting pretty much like human beings, really. A crowd was gathered around the edges of the lake, with many more in the water itself, and the gigantic examples that were holding the Merry aloft appeared to be sporting metallic helms on their bulbous mantles. Heck, now that I noticed it, octopi featured prominently in the city's architecture, engraved and carved just about everywhere where you'd expect lions or dragons and such.

"HOLY CRAP, THAT'S SO COOL!" Luffy squealed eagerly, his eyes glinting.

"Sanji, just for the record," Vivi swallowed nervously as she eyed the angry-looking Cephalopods who were holding us in the air. "I know you probably have a hundred and one recipes for octopus in your brain, and at any other point I'd love to hear them, but honestly, I don't think that right now would be the best time to share them."

Sanji gnawed on his cigarette uncomfortably as he factored in the size discrepancy with the fact that we were outnumbered almost ten to one. "A… wise choice, milady. Very wise indeed."

Boss licked his muzzle and grimaced uncomfortably. "Ohoh, we're in more trouble than you can even begin to imagine, my friends." He gritted his teeth in a shaky facsimile of a grin. "Well, it might be an unpopular one, but you gotta admit, going down in a blaze of glory fighting shoulder to shoulder with friends… that's a Man's Romance right there, isn't it?"

"Aye, Boss…" his students muttered in reluctant agreement.

"What the heck are you—?" I started to demand before I was interrupted by the air being absolutely _rippled_ with the sound of bone-shaking drumbeats.

I cast a glare at Soundbite, who promptly snarled back, "NOT _**me,**_ **LOOK UP!"**

And so we looked up… and up and up and up, at the top of the largest pagoda, a glittering edifice of red and white that towered above both us and the rest of the city in general. A golden octopus carving dominated the top of the tower, and directly above it, situated above a balcony in its tentacles, was a stage. And there on the stage was the source of the drumming: a massive taiko drum, a pair of hachimaki-wearing octopi beating it on both sides. A minute into the performance, the sliding paper doors of the balcony shot open, allowing a pair of burly naginata-toting octopi to stride-slither out into view and glare down at us. Once they were standing at attention, they were followed by…

By…

I blinked slowly as I tried to process just what the _hell_ I was seeing.

Lassoo whimpered and shrank in nervously as he eyed the being above us. "That… is a _lot_ of raw takoyaki."

"You've got to be _squidding_ me…" I muttered to myself.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Boss declared firmly as he clenched and unclenched his grip on his rope-dart. "Allow me to introduce you to the Great and Honorable Shogun Octavio, Lord Regent of the fabled Great Octopus Shogunate."

Boss might have called the cephalopod a Shogun, but I recognized him from before this whole mess, and it was hard to separate the two images _._ Sure, from his bright red skin to his glaring green eyes and X-shaped scar to the _very_ unmistakable octopus-themed kabuto helmet he was wearing, the being presiding above us was the spitting image of an aquatic version of a feudal shogun… but to me? To me, the being looked more like a _very_ specific disc jockey than anything else.

"Boss, I must be going deaf, he's the ruler of the fabled _what?!"_ Lassoo chuffed in confusion.

"Great. Octopus. Shogunate," Boss enunciated clearly as he gnawed on his cigar. "It's just like it sounds: one big fat kingdom, populated entirely by octopi. I called it fabled because up until just now, it was only a rumor because nobody could pin down where the damn place was, not even if it was above the sea or under it." He chuckled grimly as he jerked his head at the head of the turtle protruding from the general bulk of the city. "Guess we know why now, huh?"

"But why did they attack us!?" Vivi demanded in confusion. "I mean, we didn't do anything to them!"

"Yeth, we did…" Carue groaned as he slapped a wing to his face in miserable realization. "You think that animals awe tewwitowial nowmally, this is how bad they weact when they get togetha and dwaw actual _bowders!"_

"So, we invaded their territory, and they're fighting back," Zoro confirmed, reaching for his swords. "Boss, any idea how reasonable these guys are supposed to be?"

The dugong started to shake his head when Octavio suddenly slammed his tentacles together, drawing our attention to him. The shogun just stared for a moment, his gaze inspecting us, then began moving his tentacles, shifting them in a series of motions and patterns that seemed random, but revealed itself to be calculated and deliberate if you paid attention. It was quite the display, given the sheer dexterity the limbs displayed.

It took me a moment to process what I was seeing before snapping my fingers in realization. "I… I could be wrong, but unless he's having a stroke, I'm fairly certain that that's some kind of octopus sign language."

"Well, that's great," Nami drawled darkly, throwing up her hands. "And does anyone onboard happen to _understand_ octopus sign language?"

"You… never picked up anything from Hachi?" I asked hesitantly.

If looks could kill, the glare Nami gave me would have obliterated the entire turtle _._ "I _will_ cause you grievous bodily injury, Cross."

I shot my hands up in a gesture of surrender. "Yes, ma'am."

"Good. Now then, as I was saying—?"

"Lady, none of us understand _fish,_ period," Raphey stated tonelessly.

"We're amphibious leaning more towards terrestrial, not all-out aquatic," Leo explained. "Totally different dialect."

"Yeah, I was afraid of that…" Nami ground the heel of her palm into her forehead with a groan. "Alright, we need to be subtle and polite about this—"

"HEEEEEY!" Luffy yelled, waving his arms over his head. "WE DON'T UNDERSTAND THE STUFF YOU'RE DOING WITH YOUR TENTACLES!"

Octavio promptly cut himself off mid-sign, his eyes twitching furiously as he got the general gist of what Luffy was saying before he rounded on his bodyguards and signed something with great haste, causing one of them to scurry back into the pagoda.

Nami planted her face in the middle of the Merry's railing, pounding her fist next to her head. "I am _so close_ to giving up, so _very_ close to just _giving the hell up!"_

" **THEN WHY** _dontcha?"_ Soundbite asked peevishly.

Nami's head promptly snapped up, a demented fire blazing in her eyes. "Because I am a heartless, stone cold _bitch_ with a will of fucking _iron_ and I _will_ stay sane even if it _kills me_ just so that I can spite you, Luffy, _and this madhouse of an ocean in general. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"_

Soundbite started to shiver in terror before freezing with a contemplative look in his eyes. "I THINK _I might be_ _ **building up**_ **a tolerance to HER."** He promptly grimaced in discomfort. " _I don't know IF THAT'S A GOOD THING_ _ **OR BAD."**_

Before I could respond, I was interrupted by Robin politely saying "Incoming."

"Wha—GAH!" I yelped as an autonomous hand appeared and shoved me to the deck, moving me just far enough so that I wasn't squashed like an insect beneath the half-ton block of a book that almost crushed my skull into my chest cavity by falling on the space I'd occupied moments earlier.

Usopp reeled in terror as he eyed the book. "What the heck—!?"

Robin leaned over the tome and traced the title on the cover. "'The Quintessential Cephalopod Sign Language Lexicon'. Well, now, it would appear that our hosts have graciously provided a manner with which to translate."

Another round of clapping snapped our attention back to the eight-limbed shogun, who was twitching his crossed tentacles impatiently.

"Anybody think they can translate eight flailing limbs into something comprehensible without any time to practice?" I asked hopefully.

"Let me," Vivi said as she pushed her way past Robin and wrenched the titan of a book open, leafing through page after page of tentacle-phrase diagrams. "After learning how to speak and read Long-Arm sign language in less than twenty-four hours when I was ten, no language fazes me anymore." She shivered slightly as she froze mid page-turn. "Fifty different words for theft, not a _one_ for honest…"

"Well, time to put up or shut up…" I stated before shooting a thumbs-up at Octavio.

The large octopus motioned as if snorting before restarting his signing.

"Ah, alright, alright…" Vivi mumbled as she kept swapping her gaze between the shogun and the pages of the book she was rapidly flipping through. "He's going a bit fast, but… alright, the general gist is that while he's offended by our invading his—no, his _people's_ territory, very specific on that—he is equally impressed by our ability to fend off some of his mightiest warriors."

"Psh, 'mightiest warriors'," Zoro scoffed. "Let me at them in a straight fight and the shit cook would have enough ingredients to feed Luffy for a month."

"Don't insult me, mosshead," Sanji growled as he hissed in smoke from his cigarette. "I could stretch it out over two with _ease."_

"So, you're not denying that your cooking skills are shit?" Zoro grinned.

"You're not denying that you cover up your baldness with algae?" Sanji smirked back.

"Uh, guys?" Chopper interjected hastily. "I don't mean to interrupt, but aren't they more likely to rip out the Merry's keel than meet either of you in a straight fight?"

That shut them up immediately, and allowed Vivi to continue. "Mmm… Alright, it's mostly a lot of posturing right now, but…" She hesitated slightly before nodding firmly. "Yes, he wants us to state what our intentions are for him and his people. After that, with any luck we can just be on our way; swing this right and I _think_ we could enjoy a feast."

"WE COME IN PEACE, YOUR HIGHNESS!" Nami promptly shouted up at Octavio.

The octo-ruler's response was to cross his tentacles and shoot her a flat look.

Nami blinked in confusion before grinding her teeth as she noticed the superiorly exasperated expressions Luffy and Usopp were adopting. "What?" she hissed.

"Nami, Nami, Nami," Usopp said, shaking his head, his tone appropriate for lecturing a five-year-old that had just been caught trying to fill a saltshaker with sugar. "Don't you know that octopi don't have ears?"

"Yeah, Nami," Luffy nodded solemnly in agreement. "It's so obvious. Maybe you need glasses or—"

SLAM! CRASH! _CRUNCH!_

"OCTOPI CAN STILL HEAR, JACKASSES!" Nami shrieked as she finished pummeling our captain and sniper into bloody pulps.

"I need to up my disciplinary measures…" Boss muttered contemplatively, causing his students to cower in terror.

"Uh, Nami?" Chopper cut in again. "While octopi do indeed possess a sense of hearing, yes, that doesn't mean it's all that—"

"WHAT OTHER OPTION DO WE HAVE? WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH LIMBS TO USE THEIR LANGUAGE!" Nami retorted as she yanked at her hair, cowing the poor reindeer.

"Ahem?" Robin interjected politely, spinning her arms and quadrupling the number protruding from her shoulders. "Miss Nefertari, if you would?"

Vivi glared sandstorms at the assassin for a moment before flipping through the pages and pointing out several pictures. "This one, this one, this one and… this one. Try and keep the pace even and the transitions smooth, don't involve your fingers, it's mostly limbs, and you'll have to try and abbreviate around the fact that you actually have a skeletal system."

Robin frowned briefly before concentrating and moving her arms according to the diagrams Vivi had shown. It was slower and somewhat clumsier than Shogun Octavio's signing, but it was amateur sign language. With any luck, it would suffice to get our message of peace and friendship across.

Octavio stared down at us impassively as he watched the process, taking in motion after sign after gesture without so much as a twitch of a reaction or a hint of emotion.

Once the process of sending the message was accomplished, he bowed his head and closed his eyes…

And then…

He reacted, in a way that was neither peaceful, nor friendly.

Specifically, he jerked forwards with an almighty gurgling _roar,_ purplish veins stabbing into his green eyes as his bodyguards barely kept him from leaping off the balcony at us. Restrained as he was, however, the shogun promptly began shooting off a rapid-fire volley of sign language at us. And he wasn't the only one, as all around us the city erupted into an uproar of gurgling shouts and cries and thrashing tentacles.

Half of those onboard began panicking, and the other half looked at Robin accusingly, myself included.

"What are you looking at me for? I performed the exact motions the princess designated," Robin said, actually sounding somewhat insulted for once.

Our attention turned to Vivi, who was all but ripping through the pages of the book in a blind panic. "I-I-I don't understand!" she protested desperately. "Those gestures were kind and peaceful and-and-and they should have never, _never—_ ah." She suddenly froze stock still.

"'Ah'?" I repeated dully. "What 'ah'? What the hell is 'ah'?"

Vivi slowly flipped into the back half of the book, which she'd neglected to look at due to its size. "'Ah' is the fact that apparently, the octopi _did_ foresee someone with joints using their language, so they wrote an entirely different dialect for it with entirely different meanings," she squeaked fearfully.

I felt my eye twitch. "Ah." Really, what else was there to say?

Vivi nodded slowly in agreement. "Ah."

Nami held her mortified expression for a moment before slowly turning an increasingly stormy look on me. "… Didn't you say something a few days ago about her _forgetting some touchy nation's customs?"_

"HEY, DON'T LOOK AT ME!" I shouted in equal parts panic and indignation as I jabbed a finger at Vivi. " _SHE'S_ THE ONE WHO SCREWED UP!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" Vivi moaned on repeat as she rocked back and forth, tears streaming from her almost comically blank eyes.

Robin sighed deeply as she held a hand to her forehead. "Out of morbid curiosity, what _did_ you make me say?"

Vivi seemed to be too caught up in her apologetic panic attack to respond. Consequently, the archaeologist let out a sigh before moving to peer at the book herself, extra hands sprouting to turn the pages. After a few moments, her eyes widened minutely.

"Oh, dear."

Her faux carefree tone spoke volumes.

"So… _how_ deep in it are we?" Boss asked as he eyed the ongoing riot below us.

"Hm…" Robin scratched her chin contemplatively as she read the book. "I believe that I managed to insult him, his nation, his ancestry, his progeny, his taste in music, his fashion sense and his…" She tilted her head in confusion. "…I believe that there might be a typo here. Suffice to say he's quite incensed."

"Vivi? If we wive thwough this, pwomise you'll wead those books on impuwse contwol that Igawam bought you," Carue groaned out through his beak.

"I forgot the-e-em…" Vivi sobbed miserably.

"Aye know dat, dat's why Aye bwought them with me."

"Yeah, yeah, very heartwarming, we'll deal with Vivi's airheadedness later, but for now?" I hissed at Vivi, intent on snapping her out of her shock. "He's getting his wits about him and starting to sign, so if you please, _translate!"_

Thankfully, Vivi managed to pull herself together with relatively minimal effort and flipped back through the book, her eyes flicking between Octavio and the drawings on the page. "Uh… let's see… alright, thankfully it would appear he's only furious about one part of the… insult we tendered, but he is _really_ mad about it. Apparently his skills at…" Vivi narrowed her eyes at the descriptor before shaking her head in surrender. "Yeah, I don't recognize this word but it's apparently close to sacred for Octav—no, the octopi as a whole. He could have taken every other insult we threw at him in stride, would have laughed it off, but insulting _that_ was going too far. So now, he wants—no no, he _needs_ to restore his honor, and that of all his people to boot."

Nami massaged her apparently throbbing temples with a growl. "I can already tell where this is going…" she hissed before raising her voice. "How does he intend to do _that?"_

Vivi watched Octavio's motions for a moment before groaning in agreement. "Yeah, it's just what you'd think: the shogun wants a duel… with our captain. He and Luffy pit their skills in… whatever it is we insulted. We win, we get to leave. We _lose…"_

"We die…" Lassoo sighed with a roll of his eyes.

"Specifically, we get fed to the giant island-turtle," Vivi corrected with a sigh of her own.

"WOOHOO! Sounds like fun!" Luffy whooped eagerly. It was a testament to just how resigned Nami was that she didn't even take the time to bounce his skull off the deck.

"And what the heck did we insult that's so important that that eight-legged bastard is willing to _kill us_ over it?" I asked, already dreading the answer.

"Some… kind of activity I think?" Vivi shrugged helplessly. "I've never heard of it before, I don't even know how to pronounce it. This one right here, see?" She pointed out the word in question.

I leaned over and read the word over her shoulder…

And then I read it again, because there was no way in hell that was what I read.

And then I read it _again_ , just to confirm I wasn't having a stroke-based hallucination.

"What," I stated flatly.

"LOOK OUT!"

THUNK!

Slowly looking up, I stared at the plank of polished, carved wood that had embedded itself in the deck, still vibrating ever so slightly from being launched at us.

" _ **What,"**_ Soundbite parroted in an equally flat voice.

Another gurgly roar drew our gazes up to Octavio, who had perched himself at the very top of the pagoda and was proudly displaying himself to his citizens, an action that was met with their eager applause and wet cheers. He was holding the object of our disbelief high above his head, bouncing it eagerly to the cheers of all the octopi.

My eye twitched violently as a ray of sunshine bounced off the surfboard.

" _What!"_ Soundbite and I chorused.

 **-o-**

"So, at first, you were going against Pops' wishes by going after Blackbeard. Now, you're still going against Pops' wishes, but you're getting our help with it?" an intimidating man with rose pink hair growled at a seemingly lazy shirtless man.

"Let's just say I got a harsh reality check from someone who knows what he's talking about," Ace stated, not even deeming to move his hat from where it sat over his eyes. "Come on, Squard, I can't let the bastard go free after what he did to Thatch, you know that, but I can't go after him alone, either. Whether I like it or not, I need help to take him out, and you and Whitey were the closest ones to Paradise."

Squard ground his disturbingly sharp teeth as he mulled over the statement. "But still…"

"Squard," Ace cut him off, casting a glare out of the corner of his eye. "The entire reason I've been able to keep up with Teach and follow is that he's been tearing a bloody swath through Paradise. Even if he hadn't murdered a crewmate, I'd _still_ find him detestable because of what he's doing. He's our mess, we _need_ to stop him."

Squard ground his teeth even harder before allowing himself to relax and sigh heavily. "Yeah… yeah, I suppose we do…" He then allowed himself a fierce grin as he tapped the hilt of his blade. "Eh, fine. Just let me stab that fat bastard in the stomach at least once before you ash him, alright?"

Ace matched the bloodthirsty grin tooth for tooth. "I imagine we'll need to let Whitey have her usual opening cannonade first, but after that, sure. Who am I to deny a man his wishes, huh?"

"Alright, then!" the senior pirate captain stated, wringing his hands eagerly. "So, where do we start looking for the bastard? Got any fresh leads?"

The question robbed Ace of his smirk, prompting him to instead adopt a scowl as he tilted his hat back down over his eyes. "A lead, yes, fresh… debatable. It's… time-sensitive. Chances are that if we act on it too soon, we'll miss our window. For now, we need to wait until the events my source told me about come to pass."

"Oh, yeah?" Squard cocked his eyebrow skeptically "And is this 'source' of yours all that reliable?"

"Well…" Ace scratched his chin contemplatively. "I'll admit that he's got a bit of a mouth…"

" _Don don don don!_ "

Ace rolled his eyes as he swung himself into a sitting position, smiling at the ringing Transponder Snail. "And a hell of a sense of timing, to boot."

Squard blinked in surprise. "Jeremiah fucking Cross, huh? Eh, what the hell, he's been talking a big game up until now, but he hasn't necessarily been _wrong…_ Though…" He tilted his head thoughtfully. "Didn't he just hang up his last broadcast an hour or two ago?"

"Yeah, he did…" Ace confirmed, his frown tinged with concern. "Alright, go ahead and pick it up. Hopefully nothing bad's happened."

"Why do _I_ have to answer the damn snail!? You're a guest on _my_ ship!" the older pirate protested.

"Simple," Ace grinned impishly as he held up a flickering flame on the tip of his finger. "Because I'm the guest whose Devil Fruit allows him to turn you into brisket at the drop of a hat! Hop to it, geezer!"

Squard's eye twitched as he sputtered incoherently before huffing in resignation and marching over to the snail, muttering about 'cheeky brats' and 'damn Ds and their grins' the entire way. Reaching down, he picked up the receiver and shot a glare back at Ace.

"— _three, four, da da da… Wow, that's a fast turnout. Well, that's enough of a delay! Hello, people of the world!"_ Cross's voice blared out eagerly. " _I realize that it hasn't been that long since my last broadcast, but honestly, recent events are_ way _too pressing for me to not share! So, without further ado—!"_

" **You're gonna say** 'Start the SBS,' _**RIGHT?"**_

" _Ri—DAMNATION!"_

Ace snickered. "Soundbite's still Soundbite, no matter what!"

"Just so long as I don't need to deal with him in person…" Squard muttered to himself.

" _Well, anyway, moving on to the main topic: you're probably all wondering why I'm broadcasting again so soon. Well... suffice to say that our crew's managed to get itself in a bit of a pickle. We… well, in short,_ kind of _sort of managed to insult the honor of the ruler of a… nation of sorts, and now the nation as a whole is… kind of ticked. And by that, I mean furious. The only way for honor to be restored is for a… duel, in a manner of speaking, to be enacted between said ruler and our own captain."_

Squard's eyes shot wide in shock as he processed the statement. "Well…shit. Sounds like your brother's gotten himself in something of a bind, huh?"

"HA!" Ace barked jovially. "As if! Honestly, I'm surprised Luffy hasn't gotten in some kind of honor duel _before_ now! Cross is overreacting, this is tame!"

" _Now, you're all probably wondering what ruler we managed to tick off and what kind of duel Luffy's going into. Well, first, while our collective fates might rest on the outcome of this duel, thankfully this one isn't to the death… so to speak. As for the parameters of the duel and the ruler himself, well…"_ Cross trailed off uncomfortably for a second before heaving a massive sigh of resignation. " _Alright, there's just no easy way to say this, so I'm gonna go ahead and just spit it out: we insulted the surfing skills of Shogun Octavio, ruler of all octopi beneath the sea, and now Luffy is going to have to outperform him in a surfing competition, or we're all chow for a turtle the size of an island."_

"…What," Squard stated succinctly.

Ace had no such reaction, on account of his jaw being too far open for him to say much of anything.

 **-o-**

"WHAT," chorused a pink-haired young man and a blonde-haired young man, both muscular, covered in sweat, and holding bamboo swords.

THWACK-THWACK!

Correction: they _were_ holding bamboo swords, until the fedora-wearing Marine who was training them cracked them both over their skulls in their moment of inattentiveness.

"Do _not_ allow your focus to waver in combat, no matter what," the Marine lectured the insensate recruits.

" _To reiterate,"_ Cross emphasized, ignorant of the accident he'd just caused. " _My rubber-brained klutzy_ moron _of a captain, who has Devil Fruit powers and has never stood on a surfboard a day in his life, is about to attempt to outsurf a_ professional _surfer… who has eight separate and very dexterous limbs."_

"BWAHAHAHAHA!"

The fedora-wearing Marine rolled his eyes as he turned his attention to his dog-hood-wearing superior, who was slapping the ground as he laughed uproariously. "Vice-Admiral, you're causing tremors again."

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" Garp continued to laugh, unfazed by his subordinate's concerns.

He was equally unconcerned when a desk fell from the sky and smashed into his head with little to no effect.

"I TOLD YOU TO STOP LISTENING TO THAT MOUTHY BASTARD, GARP!" Sengoku roared from on high.

" _BWAHAHAHAHA!"_

 **-o-**

I sighed wearily and allowed my head to thump against the Merry's railing in resignation. "I swear to God, I couldn't make this shit up if I _tried."_

" _Ironic…"_ Soundbite muttered with a slightly glazed look in his eyes.

"Huh?" I glanced down at him.

" _What?_ **I didn't** _ **say nuthin'."**_

I cocked a skeptical eyebrow before moving along. "Well, anyways, I'm not overly familiar with the rules of surfing, so I'll be sharing the microphone with someone who possesses a much more intimate familiarity with the sport. Sanji?"

I handed the microphone over to our chef, who was sitting beside me; apparently, Sanji had spent the few vacation days he'd had at the Baratie at an island where they held an annual surfing tournament. Naturally, he tried to attend it every year in order to impress the ladies. Equally naturally, he got distracted by said ladies—clad in bikinis, of course—every time, so he never made it past the second round, if that. Still, he'd picked up enough over the years to qualify for acting as the co-host for the oncoming shitshow.

"Thanks, Cross. Sanji here, ladies and bastards—"

"Try and keep it _relatively_ tame, Sanji; kids may be listening," I warned him before reconsidering my statement. "By which I mean very young kids whose parents actually give a damn about what words they do or don't hear. I don't know if I can actually be sued, but I'm not particularly inclined to find out."

"Fair enough, fair enough," Sanji said, waving his hand in a shooing motion. "Well, anyways, to be concise, it appears that the contest is based on who impresses the crowd more, whether by staying on their surfboards the longest or by producing the most impressive tricks. Either or. I imagine that the victor of this contest will be determined based upon their endurance, their ability to focus and remain calm, and their overall skill level."

"I see, I see…" I nodded sagely as I processed the explanation. "So, let me ask you this, Sanji: when you consider that one of the participants in this contest is an aquatic creature who is a professional surfer that apparently polishes his skills on a more-than-daily basis and whose citizens _are_ the observers of this contest…"

I punctuated this statement by watching as Shogun Octavio posed dramatically for the onlooking crowd, spinning his board around himself with extreme ease and impressive dexterity.

"While the other contestant is—"

SPLAT!

"…ow…"

I winced as our captain chose that exact moment to slip and faceplant off of the impromptu lovechild of a surfboard and a mechanical bull Usopp had constructed for him to practice on.

"Luffy…" I finished lamely to the tune of almost a dozen frustrated groans. "What do you think the chances are of us actually managing to _win_ this thing?"

"Well, Cross, I'd say that we are thoroughly and utterly fucked right up the ass, if you'll pardon my North Blue slang," Sanji nodded solemnly.

"My thoughts exactly, Sanji, my thoughts exactly," I nodded back in agreement. "Let's just hope that we can fight our way out of this situation, huh?"

"We've done it before and I'm fairly certain that we can do it again."

" _ **But at what cost,**_ _SANJI?!_ _ **At what cost?!**_ " Soundbite suddenly demanded in a Canadian accent.

I shrugged at the bemused look the cook shot me. "Hey, I don't know _all_ the references he makes. Most, sure, but this one eludes me. Still! Look on the bright side of things!" I adopted a flat expression as I gestured at where Nami had set up an impromptu booth and was taking bets from the octopi in the form of relatively barnacle-encrusted doubloons, with Vivi and Robin acting as reluctant translators. "Some people are taking advantage of the situation to its fullest, like a sleazebag at a bar with a pocket full of roofies."

"IF I'M DYING, I'M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING IT _BROKE!"_ Nami hollered up at me.

"YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL WHEN YOU'RE MAKING A PROFIT, NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji sang back before settling back down. "Well, getting back on topic, I'd like to hear your opinion on something: seeing how we're still located at the edge of the lake on the island-turtle's back—"

"Still not making this up, people!" I hastily reminded the world.

"How exactly do you think the octopi intend for either Luffy or the shogun to surf at all? After all—" Sanji gestured at the relatively placid waters of the large 100-yard-wide lake our ship was being held over. "The most I've seen so far from these waters are ankle-slappers, and in my experience, decent trick-surfing requires either overhead or double-overhead at a minimum."

"Well, considering just how surf-centric the octopi's culture appears to be—" We both eyed the surfboards and surf-related paraphernalia being toted by the horde of octopi encircling the lake _._ "I'd say that it's safe to assume that they have some form of system or other means to generate decent waves for surfing, if this is their venue of choice. Heck, their ruler's personal pagoda is right on its shores. In the end, just like how this whole situation has played out, we have no choice but to wait and see."

Sanji started to nod in agreement before sitting up attentively. "Well, it looks like our waiting period is over, because Octavio's paddling out into the water now."

I snapped my attention to the lake, where the oversized octopus was balancing himself on his board and effectively dragging his way through the water. "Well, it looks like the shogun's already putting his non-human origins to good use, and the competition hasn't even begun yet. Suffice to say, this is _not_ looking good for us."

It only took the shogun a minute or two to reach the far side of the lake, where he wheeled himself around and signed _something_ to the crowd.

"Well, it would appear that Shogun Octavio is waiting for _something,_ but I'm not quite sure what he's expect— _WOAH!"_ I yelped in panic as the deck beneath our feet suddenly heaved, flinging most of our onlooking crewmates head over heels while the surrounding octopi were left relatively unaffected thanks to their extra limbs.

"What the hell…" I muttered in confusion as I righted myself. "Uh… I don't know what just happened, but it felt like an earthquake!"

"It was the turtle!"

"Huh?" I blinked in confusion as I looked down at Nami, who was rubbing her head with a slight wince.

"The octopi must have trained the turtle we're on to buck on demand!" Nami explained. " _That's_ how they generate waves to surf on: the shift IS similar to a tectonic event, causing a swell and eventually culminating in high-quality waves for the octopi to surf on!"

"And I can see the swell now!" Sanji provided, pointing out to the water where indeed, a swell of water was surging towards Octavio, who was watching it patiently.

"Alright, listeners, let's see how well this octopus can move," I stated theatrically.

Hey, just because we were all probably going to die was no excuse not to make it a good show, right? Plus, I had complete and utter faith in our crew!

SPLAT!

"…ow…"

…I had _some_ measure of faith in _most_ of our crew.

Back out on the water, Octavio was paddling in the same direction as the swell, keeping pace with it as it approached the shore. It wasn't long before the wave began to crest, Octavio having already placed himself in an optimal position. Once the water started crashing and carrying the shogun along, he repositioned his tentacles in what appeared to be his version of standing up and—

I gaped in awe at what occurred next. "…Uh-oh."

" **We gon' DIE,** _HUH?"_ Soundbite stated more than asked.

"Looks like," Sanji nodded in agreement solemn.

Though I didn't say anything, I agreed with my co-hosts. Why, you ask?

Because in the simplest of terms, Octavio was absolutely _shredding_ it out on the water.

Between all the flipping, swerving and spinning Octavio was pulling off with almost supernatural ease, I wasn't completely sure _what_ the octopus was doing, besides absolutely rocking it on his board and pounding the final nail in our collective coffins.

"Well!" I stated firmly, still entranced by the awe-inspiring display before me. "It's safe to say that my initial assumptions on Octavio's skills were right on the money. The slimy bastard is surfing like an absolute pro and not showing even a hint of being ready to slow down any time soon!"

"To put it one way, Cross, I'd say that Octavio's managing to hang eight with ease, and that's actually _impressive_ in this case," Sanji nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, but when you consider those suction cups, I'd say it's really more like he's hanging eight _by_ eight," I noted.

We waited with bated breath as Octavio and the wave he was riding approached the shore.

"What's he doing?" Sanji wondered as the Shogun got closer and closer. "He has to stop, or he'll crash into the shore!"

Even with his previous routine to prepare us, what Octavio did next left us scrambling to pick our jaws up off the deck. He must have hit the bottom, because both he and his surfboard suddenly pitched forward, flinging both into the air. He then proceeded to do a _textbook_ mid-air flip, grabbing his surfboard in two tentacles in the process, and stuck the landing perfectly, ending by stabbing the lacquered wood into the ground.

He wheeled around to shoot a glare at us before sticking up a tentacle and twitching it firmly.

I held up a hand to forestall Vivi when she started flipping through the lexicon. "Don't bother, _that_ was universal. Well!" I addressed the world anew. "It looks like we've _really_ got our work cut out for us. Can Luffy defeat Octavio? Will the rubber man defeat the lord of the board? Will we emerge from this showdown with the shogun of surf unmolested!?"

SPLAT!

"…ow… Oh, hey, is it my turn?" Luffy promptly popped up, wrenching his borrowed board from the practive mechanism and holding it high above his head; A pair of inflatable tubes were affixed around his midsection. "ALRIGHT! I'M READY TO SURF!"

" _Nope,"_ Soundbite deadpanned.

"Not a chance…" Sanji sighed in much the same tone of voice.

"We're dead," I summarized matter-of-factly.

"At least I lived a good life…" Lassoo huffed as he rolled over where he was sunbathing.

"WILL YOU MOWONS SHADDUP ALWEADY!?" Carue squawked in panic.

"And I thought _I_ was the only realist on the crew…" Robin mused.

"YOU'RE NOT HELPING!" Vivi shrieked.

" _On the bright side,_ THOSE DUCKS **back in** _ **Alabasta can't**_ **SAY THAT** _THIS IS OUR FAULT._ _ **VIVI**_ **brought this on herself,** _and the rest of us_ ," Soundbite said sagely… from within the safety of his shell.

 **-o-**

" _THAT SONNUVA—!"_

"… _well, he does have a point—"_

" _SHADDUP, STOMP!"_

" _Sorry…"_

 **-o-**

"Well, in the end, it doesn't matter what we say or how much we complain, it _is_ _indeed_ Luffy's turn to surf," I sighed in resignation before clasping my hands firmly. "And in light of this fact, I'm going to do my damndest to make sure we win. Hey, Luffy, I've got some advice for you!" I ran over to our captain.

"Oh, yeah? What is it, Cross?" Luffy asked eagerly.

I planted my hands on his shoulders as I stared him dead in the eye, my gaze completely serious. "Alright, captain, listen: I've learned from dozens of surfing masters over the years, and the advice they've given me can easily be boiled down to the key pieces. Now look, out on the water, you're probably going to be concentrating a lot on keeping your balance and staying upright and falling in. Simply put, _don't."_

"Huh?!" the rubberman blinked in confusion.

"Are you nuts, Cross!?" Usopp demanded frantically. "Luffy has _Devil Fruit_ powers! If he falls in, he'll drown! Why _shouldn't_ he think!?"

"Because surfing isn't about thinking _at all!"_ I replied, crossing my arms in an X. "This sport is all about instinct, emotion, being in tune with your surroundings! The waves, the wind, the water, your board, _especially_ your board! You might not be able to swim, no, but water is still an intimate part of your basic humanity, and your body _will not forget it!_ So long as you can _feel_ your success… then you _will_ win! Got it?"

Luffy blinked as he processed my words before grinning confidently in agreement. "Got it!"

Usopp stared at me open-mouthed astonishment before allowing himself a shaky, halfway confident grin. "W-wow Cross… t-that information was actually pretty good! Maybe we're not dead after all!"

"Then allow me to un-pry the last nail from our coffin, as it were!"

I looked at the dugong in surprise. "You've got something too, Boss?"

"Indeed I do!" the manly aqua-mammal nodded firmly. "You might not be aware of this, but while martial arts might be the pride and joy of my species, so too are we avid surfers! And in light of this passion, we developed _this!"_

He whipped out his flipper and proffered a large shell that had been carved into a makeshift flask.

"This, my friend, is the secret Dugong Surfing Elixir," he proclaimed confidently. "One sip o' this, and you'll gain the skills of _generations_ of Dugong surfers, some of the best in the Grand Line! It's a closely guarded secret of our species, never before trusted to _anyone_ outside our kind!"

"Woooaaah…" Luffy breathed reverentially as he picked up the shell, holding it in fingers trembling with excitement. "And you're giving this to me? You're sure?"

"Of course!" Boss breathed out a heavy cloud of smoke as he snapped out a confident thumbs up. "Making sure we stay alive is a helluva lot better than keeping this a secret. Besides, I didn't think I'd ever find a use for it. And in the end…" He bowed his head in an almost solemn manner. "To share the secrets of one's species among friends in our direst hour… is that not…' He looked up with a stunning glint of manliness. " _A Man's Romance?"_

"SO COOL!" the dumbass trio squealed enthusiastically.

"GO, BOSS, GO!" the rest of the Dugongs onboard crowed in agreement.

One of the tentacles holding us up tapped impatiently on the deck, making the wooden planks creak ominously.

I flinched nervously at the noise of lumber-based distress before nodding at Luffy. "I think that's your cue to go, Captain."

Luffy nodded in agreement. "Right! Here I go!" And with that, he yanked the cork out of the flask and downed the entire thing in one go. Then, without warning, he doubled over and started shaking vigorously. "Ooooh…"

"L-Luffy!" Chopper cried in concern as he rushed to his side. "Are you alright, are you okay?! Is it food poisoning or allergies or—!?"

"OooooOOOOOHHHH _RAAAAAGH!"_

Without any warning, Luffy flung his head back and roared vigorously, shaking the air itself with the sheer force of his chutzpah. "I CAN FEEL IIIIIIT!" he screamed to the world. "THE SKILLS OF THE DUGONG SURFERS FLOWING THROUGH MY VEINS! _RAAAAAAAGH!"_

"Holy shit, I think he just went Super Saiyan…" I muttered to myself in awe.

"LET'S DO THIS!"

Before any of us could react, Luffy flung himself overboard into the water. Thankfully, he managed to land on his board, and paddled out into the water even faster than Octavio.

"…ha…hahahaHAHAHAHA!" Usopp started cackling ecstatically, jabbing a confident finger out at the utterly dumbstruck onlooking octopi. "Take that, you stupid squid morons! With Boss's elixir and Cross's advice, Luffy's become the most ultimate surfer of all time! There's no way he can lose now! We're gonna win, you hear me? _WIIIIN!"_

"Yeah, squid morons!" Chopper eagerly agreed, sticking his tongue out and pulling down his eyelid in order to add insult to injury.

Boss and I followed Luffy's progress much more sedately, watching him in silence for a few moments until Boss turned his attention to me. "You've never surfed a day in your life, have you?" he divined in a deadpan.

"HUH!?" Chopper sputtered in confusion. "Boss, how could you!? Of course Cross has surfed! He'd never lie about that!"

"Yeah, he's right, I have surfed," I nodded in agreement.

"See!?"

"Just not in the past few years since I got those few novice-level lessons."

"Wait, what!?"

"Thought so," Boss nodded sagely. "So, I take it that advice was complete and utter bullshit?"

"A steaming hot pile of it, yes," I nodded back.

" _WHAT!?"_ Usopp and Chopper squawked.

"Aaaand I'm guessing that 'elixir' of yours was nothing more than flavored water?" I shot back without missing a beat.

"Eh, in a manner of speaking…" Boss waved his fin side to side as he scooted over to the shell Luffy had abandoned and picked it up. "That was my flask of fermented seaweed juice. Though, heh." He chuckled as he scrunched an eye shut and gazed into it. "You'd probably understand better if I called it 'liquid courage'. I figured it couldn't hurt! But damn it!" He cursed as he shoved the shell back behind his back. "Looks like he drank it down to the last drop. I'll need to cook up a new batch for myself."

Usopp and Chopper's jaws were too slack for them to say much of anything.

"So, wait…" Mikey raised a flipper slowly. "You mean that there _isn't_ actually a Dugong Surfing Elixir?"

SLAP!

"OW!"

"Dumbass…" Raphey muttered as she shook her flipper out from dope-slapping him.

"So, you mean to tell us…" Usopp whimpered miserably. "That we don't have any chance _whatsoever!?"_

"Not a one!" I chirped in agreement with faux enthusiasm as I strutted back to Sanji and Soundbite. "Get ready to fish the moron out when he takes a dive. Everyone else, prepare to carve a bloody swath as we fight for our lives!"

"And you're so cheerful because…?" Zoro called over to me curiously.

"Resignation!" I stated in a sunny tone of voice.

"Just checking."

"HEEEEEY!" Luffy's voice roared out from the lake, where he was… standing up on his board and waving his arms eagerly _goddamn it Luffy._ "I'M READY! GET THE TURTLE TO MOVE!"

"Well, whether we like it or not, it's time to put up or shut up," Sanji sighed in defeat. "Hold on tight."

" _DOSEY DO,_ **here we go!"** Soundbite concurred.

And indeed, moments later we were shaken anew by the shogunate's mount jerking its titanic mass. Thankfully, pre-awareness of the event made the experience much more tolerable a second time around.

"Alright, there's the shift, now comes the swell…" I mused slowly, watching the surge of water approach Luffy. When he started to paddle through the water approaching the wave, I got the feeling that he must have watched Octavio start off. I sighed; that was honestly the only part of surfing that anyone could do if they had a decent sense of balance, and I knew that once he got towards the actual force of the wave—

I blinked in surprise as Luffy actually managed to stick the jump-up. "Huh… well, what do you know. I guess he's not completely hopeless after all."

Sanji nodded slowly in agreement as Luffy started to steer his board to the side, following the direction of the wave. "Yeah, he's… actually kind of not bad."

Soundbite whistled in surprise as our rubber-brained captain started swerving up and down. " _I'd even_ SAY THAT _**he's good."**_

"Yeah, quite good…" I agreed as he began riding the wave.

" _Really_ good…" Sanji concurred as Luffy slowly began to hang four…six…eight…

A hush fell over not only us but the crowd in general as we watched Luffy surf towards us, grinning like a loon, hanging ten while he gave twin peace signs to everyone watching. And then…

"…Sanji?"

"Yeah, Cross?"

"Is our klutzy moron of a captain who's never surfed before actually managing to outsurf the, and I quote myself here, _shogun of freaking surfing!?"_

"That… depends…" Sanji hedged as he fumbled for a new cigarette, on account of his old one having been nigh-instantly reduced to ash.

"On what?"

"Did said klutzy moron just manage to pull off six lateral flips in a row while hanging on with only his hand, _and_ with his arm stretched out at least twelve feet from said hand, _while managing to stick the landing?"_

" **Actually…** _IT WAS seven._ **SEVEN FLIPS."**

"Then, yes…" Sanji removed the remains of his spent cigarette and crushed it into the railing with an air of finality. "Yes, he is."

"…huh…Sanji?"

"Yeah, Cross?"

"Sanity is dead, isn't it?"

"Yes, Cross. Yes, it is."

 **-o-**

"I'm inclined to agree with them," deadpanned a certain red-nosed pirate, who was looking at the Transponder Snail on his ship with the look of a man who didn't want to believe what he was hearing, but experience forced him to concede the truth. "A Devil Fruit user being a natural surfer, better than someone who was literally _born_ for the sport? That's just insane."

Everyone else onboard the ship was staring at the snail with either gobsmacked or equally flat expressions, unable to speak…with one exception.

"It _does_ sound ridiculous when you say it like that, doesn't it?" a jaw-droppingly attractive woman toting a massive spiked war club mused. "About as ridiculous as surviving an execution attempt thanks to a lightning bolt striking the tower."

"Indeed," the red-nose nodded in agreement.

"Or as ridiculous as how losing some freckles can make a world of difference in helping people perceive your natural beauty."

"Yes, that's… just as ridiculous."

"Or as ridiculous as a nearly no-name clown-themed pirate from the East Blue managing to survive two days in the Grand Line, much less two months."

"Okay, now that's just insa— _WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST CALL ME, WOMAN!?"_

" _Okay, moving away from our existential crisis, Luffy's coming in to the shore and—wait a second…"_

 **-o-**

"Why the hell isn't he slowing down!?" I demanded incredulously.

"I think he's trying to imitate Octavio, but he's going even faster than the octopus was!" Sanji cursed furiously. "Damn it, Luffy was doing great before, but if he faceplants now, then we'll be screwed! We need to get him to slow down, or else—!"

"TOO LATE!" Soundbite squawked in panic.

And indeed, Luffy hit the edge of the lake at full speed and was sent _flying_ away from his board, both he and it spinning through the air.

Suddenly, Luffy's arms shot out and grabbed his board, jerking it back to him just as he stuck the landing.

The vast majority of the observers' jaws hit the deck, and the octopi made up for having no jaws _to_ drop with how much their eyes popped… well, that and the way the ground and water was suddenly stained with ink.

"Oh," I stated succinctly.

"My," Sanji continued.

" _ **God,"**_ Soundbite finished.

Right on top of Shogun Octavio's helmet, holding his board above his head in victory, was Luffy.

"WOOHOO!" he whooped, announcing his joy to the world. "THAT WAS FUN!"

Silence reigned supreme for what felt like an eternity…

Until Octavio snapped out a swift series of signs and jabbed his tentacles at Luffy.

Vivi needed no prompting to flip through the lexicon. "Uhhh… he just said… ' _the winner'!?"_

And then the air was filled with gurgly cheers and the applause of a thousand tentacles. A moment later, Boss managed to get past the absurdity of the situation and shoot a firm thumbs up at Luffy. "THAT'S MY CAPTAIN!"

"YEAH!" the TDWS shouted in agreement, mimicking the pose.

"GO, LUFFY!" Chopper, Usopp and Carue chorused.

"Hmm?" Lassoo hummed as he cracked his eye open, apparently coming out of a _nap_ of all things. "Oh, so we won. Well, that's nice." And with that, he went back to lala land.

"I am… conflicted…" Nami grimaced with a twitching eye.

"Would this help resolve your hesitation, by any chance?" Robin asked as she held up one of numerous bags of gold doubloons.

"O CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN!" Nami wept euphorically.

"…welp!" I finally managed to speak up. "You heard it here first, folks! A moron. Managed to beat an octopus. At surfing. Through what I can only assume was sheer, _god-damn luck._ Tune in next time for whatever other madness we manage to get ourselves into, and count on it being even more mind-screwing than this was. Hopefully much to the World Government's disappointment, this is still-alive Jeremiah Cross—"

" _AND_ _ **SOUNDBITE!"**_

"—signing off! Thank you for listening, and have a wonderful day!"

And with that, I clicked the receiver back into position.

I then slammed my head into the Merry's railing.

"Wake me up when the world starts making sense again…"

" _So,_ NEVER?"

"Exactly…"

 **-o-**

A few hours later found us well on our way again. Octavio had conceded that our captain was the better surfer, but pledged that one day, he would return to restore his honor. For now, however, he would remain true to his word and allow us to go on our way in peace.

We came away from the experience with a medal the shogun gave Luffy, which was hanging below deck by his hammock; several bags of doubloons that Nami had legitimately won, much to her delight; a few samples of octopus ink that Usopp used to replace the defective solution he'd used in Lassoo's chamber before; a tome describing the octopi's history that Robin was reading with a wide smile—though I imagine her enthusiasm was slightly limited by the revelation that the shogunate was a mere three centuries old—and a chestful of their finest saltwater taffy.

I reaffirmed my decision to coerce Foxy into helping us when we met him after Luffy downed the whole chest in a second. And I mean the _whole_ chest. Seriously, how the _hell…_

As of that point, the ship was uncharacteristically silent as most of the crew was attempting to put the whole mess out of their minds. Perhaps the most notable of those was Vivi, who was only now recovering from her head injuries. Minor, I assure you, a goose egg at worst. How did she get those, you may ask? Weeell…

 **-o-**

 _We waved back at Octavio as the island-turtle sank away beneath us, taking the kingdom's pagodas and the shogun's palace away with it._

" _Well, that was fun!" Luffy laughed eagerly._

" _It… was a bit touch and go at times, but I'll admit that it was certainly entertaining!" Vivi granted with a chipper smile. "Oh, do you want me to look up how to say goodbye to him?"_

 _Nami, Zoro and I froze, exchanged flat looks, and then…_

THWACK!

 _"Ow! Hey, what—?"_

THWACK!

"Ow! _Alright, alright, I—!"_

THUNK!

 _"OW! I SAID I GET IT, JACKASSES!"_

SLAP _!_

 _"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR, BOSS!?"_

 _"Juuust covering our bases."_

 **-o-**

And it was glaringly obvious afterwards that Vivi would rather never speak of the fiasco again.

"Well," Robin said, looking up from her book and breaking the silence, "it would seem that we've managed to return to some semblance of normality."

THUNK!

Everyone in the crew glanced up from what they were doing at the sudden sound, which had a distinct resemblance to a coconut falling on a wooden deck.

"Uh… what was that?" Usopp wondered.

"Fate punishing Robin for opening her mouth?" Vivi offered with a petulant pout.

Nami shrugged slightly when Robin cocked her eyebrow at the Princess. "She's not _wrong_ , you know."

"Still…"

I swear to God, if this were any later in the timeline, I'd have said that Robin _pouted._

"Hmm… one sec…" I glanced around curiously. I had a sneaking suspicion… Bingo! There it was! "Oooh, check it out!" I grinned like a madman as I held up the skull that had bounced onto the deck. "Look, I'm Hamlet! 'Alas, poor Yorick, how I knew thee!'"

" _ **I knew him, Horatio! A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy!"**_ Soundbite added.

While the rest of the crew gaped at me and my impromptu prop in equal parts shock and horror, Robin slowly marked her place in the book, stood up from her lawn chair, and carefully approached me. "Mister Jeremiah, while I appreciate your taste in literature—"

"Eh…" I waved my hand in a so-so manner. "My tastes are actually more modern. I just know the highlights, is all."

"Nevertheless… where did that skull come from?" she asked slowly.

My grin grew even wider. "And now I'm Sherlock Holmes! 'When you eliminate the impossible, whatever is left, however improbable, must be the answer.'"

"ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR WATSON!" Soundbite shouted in agreement.

Robin glanced at Soundbite in confusion as she slowly processed my statement and tried to run through the possibilities, but obviously had a difficult time with reaching the appropriate conclusion. So, I decided to throw her a bone, and pointed up. She slowly followed the direction of my finger. And then the blood evacuated her face like it was on fire.

"…Miss Nefertari, I am now inclined to agree with you, and I will make every effort to be more considerate of what I say from now on if we survive this," she said in a _very_ deliberately calm voice.

Everyone, including myself, joined her in looking upwards, and while everyone _else_ adopted expressions of pure horror, _I_ allowed a massive grin to split my face.

"Willy Karen was right!" I giggled derangedly, very quickly losing the battle to keep my laughter contained. "Anything man can imagine _is_ a possibility in reality! PFHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

"CROSS, YOU SON OF A—!"

And then the sky _fell_.

 **Xomniac AN: How do you like us** _ **now**_ **, Andoriol?**

 **Hornet AN: YES! IT'S ALL MINE! ALL MINE! VICTORY AT LAST! *ahem* Ours. I mean ours.**


	27. Chapter 26 - Jaya Pt 1

**Chapter 26**

 **Cross-Brain AN: If you're wondering what the Cross-Brain is, it's the collective name we've come up with for ourselves, with 'we' being the three collaborative genius minds behind** _ **This Bites!**_ **The Patient One, invited on due to being a dedicated fan and proving to be an impulsive and creative mastermind, is the Id; CV12Hornet, due to being the voice of extreme reason, is the Superego; and Xomniac, due to being the voice of reason between the two and the original conceiver of the plot in the first place, is the Ego. We just decided to come up with a singular name for ourselves on account of how we work together so well, and we intend to continue doing so for the foreseeable future.**

 **And with that said, on to the part you all care about:** _ **the madness!**_

As one would expect, the next few minutes, during which we dealt with the freaking _galleon_ falling right on top of us, were… somewhat hectic, to say the least. Between the flying debris, the remains of the previous crew being flung this way and that, and the fact that the Merry was tossing and thrashing about like a 5-star roller coaster, everyone was scrambling around to keep us from capsizing, even while completely panicking.

Weeeell… _almost_ everyone was panicking, anyways. _I_ was laughing my ass off the entire time. Between the rush of the madness and the legitimately _hilarious_ expressions on everyone's faces, why the hell _wouldn't_ I be laughing!?

Sadly, as they say, all good things must eventually come to an end, and really, despite the galleon outsizing the Merry a good ten-to-one, there was only so much ship that could fall.

Once the waves from the galleon's crash settled down and there was no more stray debris left to fall on us, everyone took a moment to calm down, with most standing around and eyeing the sky nervously as they tried to catch their breath, while the more… weak-willed members of the crew huddled together for safety.

I, for my part, was laying spread-eagled on the deck and giggling myself ten kinds of silly. "Pffhahaha _haaaaaa!"_ I wheezed semi-hysterically, my chest hurting from laughing so much. "That was _awesome!_ Oh, my _God,_ I love this crew _so-oo-oooo_ much! Say, can we go aga— _GYERK!"_

My _innocent_ _question_ was cut off by Vivi bodily tackling me and repeatedly bouncing my skull off the deck as she throttled me.

"You. Will. Shut. Up. And. _Stop. Causing. This. Shit. TO. HAPPEN!"_ Vivi shrieked hysterically, each shake of my neck accompanied by an audible "wocketa" sound. The only reason she didn't keep going until I saw angels was that Carue bodily dragged her off me, and she did _not_ come quietly!

"Thank you, Carue," I wheezed as I massaged my throat.

"Don' thank me, Cwoss, I'm with her, you're _nuts!"_

"Well, in that case, screw you," I amended in the same tone of voice. "And Vivi? In case you've forgotten, it's on captain's orders that I've been keeping my mouth shut in the first place!"

"What the hell are you—?" Vivi started to snarl before I surreptitiously inclined my head towards the newest member of our crew, who was busy eyeing the fallen galleon's remains. "…ah."

"Yeah…" I nodded in agreement. "And besides, the whole mystery about this is about to become obvious in three… two… one…"

"YEARGH!"

" **There it is!"** Soundbite snickered as Nami loosed a shriek of mortal terror.

Vivi rolled her eyes at me before moving to Nami's side. "What's wrong, Nami?"

"The Log Pose is broken!" she shouted back.

 _That_ got a panicked reaction out of the princess. "WHAT!?" she yelped, grabbing our navigator's wrist and yanking it up to eye level. "Oh, _nononono—!"_ she started to stammer on repeat with all the composure of a barbeque-sauce-soaked cat in a dog pound… that was stuffed to the gills with rocking chairs.

"Broken? I bought the most durable model I could find in Loguetown!" I protested, putting only a token effort into said protest. After all, _I_ was totally confident in the Log's efficacy.

" _Nononono—_ huh? Wait a second…" And so was Vivi, apparently, given how she stopped panicking once she actually got a good look at the thing. "Uh, Nami, what are you talking about? The Log Pose is fine. The glass isn't cracked, the needle's base isn't bent, it's in pristine condition." She cocked an eyebrow appreciatively. "As a matter of fact, now that I get a good look at it, you seem to have kept it in better condition than most usually do. Do you polish it every day?"

"Well, of course, twice a day, I have to—THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" Nami cut herself off with a shriek of rage. "It's pointing to the freaking sky! How can you think it's not broken?"

"Nami," Vivi said sharply, cutting off the navigator's rant before it could start. "I've lived my entire life in the Grand Line, and I've spent the last two years traveling it as part of Baroque Works. If there's one lesson I've learned in that time, it's that the Log Pose is the only reliable guide in this ocean; common sense is a guide for fools. Even on dry land!"

"I can support that as well," came another voice, and Vivi stiffened as Robin approached them. "I've spent the last decade or so traveling these waters, and a malfunctioning Log Pose is not on the long list of incredible things I've seen during that time; if you've followed it this far and the glass is intact, then the Log Pose is functioning fine. It must be pointing to a Sky Island."

"SKY ISLAND? ARE YOU _NUTS!?_ I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE _SMART ONE!"_ Nami snapped before turning a pleading look to Vivi. "Vivi, you don't— _can't_ believe that… can you?"

The grimace Vivi adopted killed any hope Nami might have had. "As much as I hate to say it—" She shot a murderous glare at Robin, who weathered it with her ever-present smile. "And _believe me,_ I do hate to say it…" she muttered before shaking off the expression. "The fact is, given the evidence, I'm more inclined to agree with her theory than yours."

"I'M SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!" Nami screamed, yanking at her hair in desperation.

" _So,_ **what else IS NEW?"** Soundbite piped up with a grin. " **Besides,** _ **how else**_ _do you_ EXPLAIN THAT **SHIP** _ **FALLING FROM**_ **the sky?"**

"Hey, look at you being all smart and logical and stuff!" I grinned as I pointed at the snail.

Nami opened her mouth to respond, but no coherent sound came out.

"Uh, actually," Donney spoke up, sticking his flipper into the air. "I can probably explain that. Have any of you ever heard of the Knock-Up Stream?"

His response was silence and blank stares, though Robin looked thoughtful, most likely because she _had_ heard of it before.

"Well, simply put," the purple-banded dugong started to explain. "It's a natural disaster that happens in the Grand Line… about once a week on average, though the location always varies. Subterranean caverns fill up with natural gas, and when the subsequent pressure reaches its breaking point, the roof of the cavern yields, and the escaping gas forms a maelstrom on the surface—"

He trailed off at the blank looks that most of the crew was giving him, and especially at the fact that Mikey was _snoring,_ and slapped his fin to his face with a sigh. "Alright, let me dumb it down for you: gas builds up on the ocean floor. When there's enough of it, it makes a whirlpool, then it makes water shoot up in a geyser about as wide as the Octopus Shogunate, and a few miles tall. They're easily strong enough to send a ship flying higher than the clouds; heck, they could probably send a whole island flying. Did you understand _that?_ "

Everyone started to nod and 'oh' and 'ah' in understanding, obviously accepting the dugong's explanation.

I rolled my eyes with a sigh and prepared to rebutt the Dugong… when a _much_ more amusing idea came to me. I glanced at the snail on my shoulder with a slowly widening grin.

"Soundbite, when I say the name 'Phoenix'…" I started before grinning even wider as Soundbite smiled and nodded in agreement. "Perfect. Appropriate music, please, aaand OBJECTION!" I yelled loudly, slamming my hands on a conveniently-placed crate as an intense, suspenseful beat filled the air.

"GAH!" Donney yelped, jerking back in panic. "W-what—!?"

"What the heck are you talking about, Cross?" Zoro asked wearily. "Objection? To what?"

"To Donney's explanation, of course!" I answered as I pointed at the dugong in question. "There is a huge contradiction in his testimony!"

"'Testimony'?" Usopp, Nami and Vivi repeated in confusion.

Robin, meanwhile, had tilted her head with a smile that said she was going to go along with the turn of events. "A contradiction you say, Mister Tact—Hm?" she tilted her head questioningly before shrugging in acceptance. "Very well, then. A contradiction you say, Mister _Lawyer?_ And what, pray tell, would that contradiction be?"

"Hmph! Really, now, it's completely obvious when you examine the statement!" I sniffed as I held up a piece of paper and tapped it with the back of my hand.

"Uh, Cross, where did you—MMPH!?" Chopper jumped in confusion when Luffy clapped his hands over the reindeer's mouth.

"Shhh, quiet, this is getting good!" Luffy quietly squealed.

"As Donney clearly stated earlier, a Knock-Up Stream is heralded by a massive maelstrom of water draining into the seabed, followed soon after by a gargantuan pillar of water exploding into the air! HOWEVER!" I snapped my finger at Donney _,_ causing him to flinch _again._ "We saw no such maelstrom _or_ pillar anywhere near us! If it had occurred, we would have _obviously_ borne witness to it! Thus, the obvious conclusion we can draw is that it was _not_ the Knock-Up Stream that caused the ship to fall on us!"

"Grk!" Donney jolted with a stricken expression, obviously taken aback.

The rest of the crew started to mutter amongst themselves in agreement, with Soundbite enhancing it into an incomprehensible mess.

However, Donney wasn't quite done yet, which he demonstrated by regaining his bearings and raising a flipper. "Uh, actually—huh?" the bo-staff wielder tilted his head in confusion. "What? But that doesn't—! Why should I—!? But, but—! Ergh, fine, _fine!"_ He slapped his flipper to his face in exasperation. "Ergh, this is completely nuts, I can't believe I'm doing this… alright, let's just get this over with. HOLD IT!" he barked, snapping his finger up at me.

I jerked back in over-exaggerated shock. "GAH!"

Robin, meanwhile, graced the dugong with an amused smile. "You have something to say, Mister Prosecutor?"

"Mister Prose— _why are you playing along with the maddening charade!?"_ Donney hissed, flailing his flippers in desperation.

"What, you mean you aren't having fun?" Robin asked innocently.

"Grgghrgghh…" Donney's eye twitched furiously before he swapped his gaze over to me. "Alright, look, I wanted to say that the Knock-Up Stream is a _massively_ powerful force of nature! Chances are that it could have struck the ship miles away from here, far from our line of sight, and _flung it at us!"_ Donney slammed his flippers down on the barrel before him. "There is no reason to think that that ship came from anywhere else!"

"GYERK!" I flinched back as the crew started muttering amongst themselves again.

"Hm… Mister Prosecutor does make a valid point…" Robin mused as she rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "Your rebuttal, Mister Lawyer? If you cannot come up with an explanation for how the ship fell from the sky, then I will have no choice but to pass my verdict now."

"Did she just say 'verdict'?" Vivi repeated in confusion.

"Yeah, I have _no_ idea what's going on, best to just go with it…" Nami sighed in defeat as she massaged her temples.

"Though you do gotta admit, this _is_ kind of entertaining…" Usopp shrugged.

No sooner had he finished that sentence than Sanji twirled up to where they were sitting, a pair of drinks on the platter he was carrying. "Refreshments for miladies?" he offered Vivi and Nami.

"Oooh, don't mind if I do!" Nami said, eagerly taking one and passing the other to Vivi, who for her part sighed in exasperation.

"Might as well watch the madness…" she grumbled as she took a sip from her straw.

"And where the hell is _my_ drink, swirly brow?"

"In the bathroom, mosshead."

"YOU WANNA SAY THAT TO MY FACE, SHIT COOK?!"

"READ MY LIPS, CRAP SWORD—!"

 **SLAM! SLAM!**

" **ORDER!** _ **ORDER IN THE COURT!"**_

"Thank you, Soundbite," Robin nodded appreciatively.

" _Go burn,_ WITCH BITCH!"

"And as for you, Mister Lawyer, your rebuttal?" she said as she moved her gaze on to me.

"Um, er, ah…" I slumped forwards nervously, sweat pouring down my face as I tried to come up with an explanation. Well, at least one that didn't involve extraterrestrial knowledge, anyways.

Donney adopted a cocky expression, puffing his chest out as he smirked at me. "It's over, Cross! You don't have any more angles you can exploit!"

I blinked in realization as I processed his words. "Wait, angle… that's it! HOLD IT!" I barked, jabbing my finger at the amphibious mammal.

"Huh?!" Donney blinked in confusion.

"You have something to say, Mister Lawyer?" Robin asked.

"Indeed I do!" I nodded confidently. "For you see, there is still _one_ angle I can exploit in this case!"

"What!?" my opponent dugong yelped.

"If you would elaborate, Mister Lawyer?" our psuedo-judge requested.

"It's quite simple, ma'am." I nodded as I started tapping on a piece of paper anew. "As you'll recall, my opponent suggested that the ship could have fallen down due to being flung by the Knock-Up Stream. However, there is evidence that contradicts this assertion!"

I pointed straight up. "The angle of the ship's descent itself!"

"Wh- _what!?"_ Donney jerked in shock.

I planted my fists on my hips. "As we all know, if we were to fling an object forwards from us, that object would travel for a distance before finally falling to the earth due to gravity. However, due to its velocity from being flung, it would not fall straight down. Rather…" I snapped my finger out at Donney. " _It would fall on a curve!"_

"A-a curve?" Donney repeated with a stammer as he tried out to work out what I was saying. "But, w-what does that— _GRK!"_ He stiffened in shock as realization swept over him. "N-no, no you can't mean—!"

"I see you understand!" I smirked. "Indeed, while flung objects descend on a downward curve the ship that fell on us fell _straight downwards!_ Hence, your assertion that it could have been flung here by the Knock-Out Stream is _physically impossible!"_

" _GAH!"_ Donney recoiled, visibly stricken.

"Furthermore—!"

SLAM!

"GAH!" I jumped in shock when Nami cracked her Clima-Tact over my crate.

"Get to the point or I'll lodge my objection in your skulls," she growled impatiently.

"Aw, just when it was getting good…" Mikey groaned.

SLAM!

"Anyone _else_ have anything they want to add?" the navigator growled as she stood over the thoroughly concussed dugong.

I swallowed before nodding hastily. "T-the fact that the ship fell from straight down means that it only could have fallen _off_ of something from above us! I-I-I realize that it sounds nuts and that there might not _appear_ to be anything in the sky, but…" I gave her a determined look. "The fact is that Sky Island is up there, and our primary priority _should_ be to find some way to get up there."

"The evidence is clear. The court rules in favor of the defendant, Mister Jeremiah Cross," Robin stated, holding up her gavel. "Case—!"

Nami jerked her face up close to Robin's with a growl. "Put that hammer back wherever the _hell_ you got it from, and don't you _dare_ finish that sentence. _Got it?"_

Robin slowly lowered her hand with a _carefully_ neutral expression. Then Nami turned her gaze on Soundbite, who promptly ceased the Phoenix Wright soundtrack.

" _Good._ Now, the best place to get information on… ergh, _Sky Island (can't believe I'm actually buying this)_ is from the ship that came from it in the first place, so—!"

"Hey, guys!" Luffy waved from the part of wreck he was clambering over. "You gotta check this out! There's something really cool over here!"

"Yeah, there's something over here too!" Usopp called from the part of the ship _he_ was on.

"Wait fo' me, guys!" Carue squawked in agreement, following behind the sniper.

Nami had clearly passed the threshold of normal rage if the downright _demonic_ expression and voice she had as she spoke to Robin again was any indication. "Have you ever wanted to just take a lighter and set the whole world on _fire?"_ she hissed.

Robin took on a slightly far-off look. "Every day for the past twenty years…" she breathed wistfully to herself.

Between that and Nami's rage, I elected to take a _big_ step back from the two of them. "Aaaand that's just disturbing..." I muttered.

"Did you expect anything _else_ from them?" Lassoo huffed tiredly.

I jumped in shock before turning a disbelieving eye on the mutt-gun. "Have you been sleeping _this entire time?!"_

Lassoo shrugged indifferently as he shifted his not-inconsiderable mass around a bit. "Eh, without a fight, not much reason for me to be awake, is there?"

" _A ship_ NEARLY FELL **ON US!"** Soundbite squawked indignantly.

Lassoo snorted, rolling onto his back. "Welcome to the Grand Line. Wake me up when there's something for me to actually _do."_ And with that, he let out a snore and presumably fell back to sleep.

"…right!" I clapped my hands firmly, trying desperately to move things along. "So, does anyone have _any_ idea on _where_ this ship is supposed to be from, anyways?"

Thankfully, the dual calls of archaeology and finding _some_ way to fix our Log Pose were enough to draw two-thirds of our crew's female population—I felt a chill run up my spine, originating from the direction of the TDWS. Scratch that, _half_ of our crew's female population, out of their violent delusions.

Robin proceeded to display her ever-impressive skillset, analyzing the corpse in one of the coffins that had fallen on the deck of the Merry and extrapolating the St. Briss' name and origin from there. Honestly, the casualness with which Robin handled the human remains was a _little_ bit disturbing, but it was an impressive enough feat that I could shove the thought to the back of my mind.

Unfortunately, by the time we'd dedicated ourselves to searching the wreck for any clues or answers, it had already sunken beneath the waves. As it was, the Dugongs had to scramble to save our buoyant-as-a-brick captain from going down with a vessel that _wasn't_ his.

Still, in the end, at least we managed to pull out _something_ useful from the ordeal.

"Skypiea…" Nami breathed as she looked over the weathered map she was holding.

"We did it!" Luffy whooped, dancing around hand-in-hand-in-hoof with Usopp and Chopper. "We're actually going to a Sky Island!"

"Sky Island, Sky Island, we're all going to Sky Island!" the other thirds of the Dumbass Trio sang in agreement.

"So, we're actually going up to the sky," Leo mused before glancing at the bo-staff wielder. "You think it's actually possible, Donney?"

"It sounds insane, but…" the dugong trailed off as he looked upwards. "Honestly, the more I see of the Grand Line in general…"

"Common sense is insanity, and insanity is common sense, even _I_ know that," Raphey shrugged indifferently.

"Ah, who the heck _cares_ about the details? The fact is that we're going up to the _sky!_ This is gonna be _kickass!"_ Mikey cackled.

"Down, boy," Boss chuckled as he rapped his fist over the nunchuk-wielder's skull. "We'll get there in time, we just need to figure out _how_ first."

"Well, why don't we ask our resident expert on the Grand Line?" Zoro asked, pointedly turning towards me.

I, in turn, twitched in panic before jerking my head towards our newest crewmate, a rictus grin plastered on my face. "Yes, let's ask Robin. After all, _she's_ been traveling the Grand Line longer than any of us, _right?_ And her first thought was that there was a Sky Island up there."

Zoro, thankfully, redirected his attention, though if I was reading the sudden tension in Robin's stance right, he had just made me more suspicious in her eyes. Nevertheless, she answered, "Well, I've never seen it myself. But to my knowledge, it's more than merely an island; there's an entire sea above us."

Nami groaned. "…Alright, even _if_ we assume that this is all true, how are we supposed to get to the sky in the first place?"

"Mm… it's difficult to say…" Vivi mused, cupping her chin thoughtfully. "I imagine that, with enough expertise, a ship _could_ be engineered to somehow, well, _reach the clouds…_ but the fact remains that the St. Briss looked like a _normal_ ship, so there must be _some_ way up there…"

"I propose looking into Mister Dugong's explanation," Robin offered. "While I agree with Mister Tactician about the Knock-Up Stream not being the reason for the ship coming down on us, he did say that it's capable of sending ships flying, yes?"

"Would it kill you to use our names? There are four 'Mister Dugongs' here," Mikey grumbled, earning a dope-slap from Boss with a mutter that sounded like 'manners.'

"But as it stands, I doubt that the process is as simplistic as that," Robin shrugged, ignoring the amphibians' exchange. "No matter how you look at it, the fact is that we don't have enough information to act on. Perhaps there could be more information on the ship?"

"Then we'll just have to salvage it!" Nami nodded firmly.

There was a brief pause as we digested that idea. "You're _insane,"_ Zoro flatly summarized.

"You do weawize dat dat ship outweighed da Mewwy almost ten-pwanks ta one, wight?!" Carue concurred.

"He's right…" I nodded slowly before clapping my hands firmly. "So, if we can't bring the ship to us, then _we_ go to the _ship._ Usopp, we need diving suits, on the double!"

"Now, hold on there," Boss interrupted. "Why don't you just let my students and I go down? I mean, we can't breathe underwater, no, but we _can_ hold our breaths long enough to fake it! What's wrong with us just going down and getting what we need ourselves?"

"Simple!" I shot back. "You're going down to explore a recently sunken wreck that was presumably packed with _dozens_ of human corpses."

"So!?" Boss snorted.

SPLOOSH!

I didn't even need to turn around to know what had just breached the water behind me. The crew's terror-stricken expressions and the bestial groan that rippled the air were answer enough.

Well, that and Soundbite crowing out a panicked " _ **THAR SHE BLOWS!"**_

I waited for the sound of the scavenging Sea King to sink back beneath the waves before patting Boss's frozen shoulder. " _SO,_ you're either gonna need more dugongs, or more muscle, if you want to make it down there without becoming _intimately_ familiar with a sea king's internal anatomy." And with that, I shifted my attention over to Usopp. "So, about those diving suits?"

As Usopp got to work jury-rigging a diving rig, I took the opportunity to pull Boss aside for a… relatively private conversation. "I've got a bit of a request for you and your students while you're down there."

Boss cocked his eyebrow at me as he chewed on his cigar. "You mean _besides_ the intel on how to get to the sky we're already looking for?"

"Besides that, yes," I nodded in confirmation. "I'm hoping that you'll be able to find something _from_ Sky Island that the guys will overlook, and honestly, I think you and yours are the best chance we have of finding them."

"Really, now?" He took his cigar out of his mouth and tapped it contemplatively. "And this goal of ours would be…?"

"Seashells."

Both Boss and Soundbite looked at me in shock.

" _You're_ **MAD,"** the snail stated flatly.

"No, I assure you, I'm quite sane," I only half-lied. "I realize it'll be tough, but I'm confident that the shells I want you to find will be down there. Maybe not many, good chance they cracked, but hopefully _some_ survived. They take a variety of shapes and sizes, but they're primarily conical in nature, spirally. Also, unlike normal shells, they'll all be solid colors all the way, instead of a variety. They'll also have moving parts like buttons on them, but you'll want to avoid touching those if you can, alright?"

Boss chewed firmly on his cigar as he contemplated my request before nodding slowly. "Sounds like a challenge… but hell, my students and I _love_ our challenges." He gave me a manly thumbs-up. "We'll get you your shells if they're down there, Cross, you can bet your bottom beri on it!"

I nodded gratefully. "That's all I ask."

A few minutes later, three diving-suited monsters, and five martial-artist dugongs dove off the side of the ship, swiftly sinking into the depths and only slowed by the brake a Heavy Point Chopper was operating, while Carue jumped up and down on the oversized bellows Usopp had jury-rigged and Nami, Vivi, and the sniper himself stood by the pipes used to convey both air and sound. In case of the event that they moved too far for us to hear, Sanji had taken Pinky along with him and Zoro had taken Brain… and if the way Soundbite was laughing his head off was any indication, the four were getting along about as well as Zoro and Sanji normally did. I myself was just starting to relax, ambling around towards the stairs to the quarterdeck…

"Mister Tactician, may I have a word, please?"

When I was jerked out of my idle thoughts by a voice that was _far_ too calm for my liking.

" _I can make this_ **REALLY** _ **loud…"**_ Soundbite muttered beneath his breath.

I felt my teeth dig into my lip as I calmed my nerves before replying. "No, you are going to keep this _quiet."_ I didn't wait for him to respond before turning around to face the positively terrifying pillar of a woman that was our archaeologist. "You have something you want to ask me, Robin?"

Robin—no, 'Devil Child' _Nico_ Robin gave a frigid smile, the motion _entirely_ physical in nature. "I believe it's time you gave me some answers, _Mister Tactician."_ I made to ask what she meant, but the way she stepped forwards and cut me off told me she already knew what I was about to say. "Don't deny it, Mister Tactician, you have information you can't possibly possess. You knew Princess Nefertari's identity before the rest of your comrades even knew Alabasta existed. You knew the capabilities of the Baroque Works Officer Agents without even laying eyes on most of them. You even _knew_ that that ship was going to fall on us. I've relied heavily on eavesdropping since I first ate my Devil Fruit, and as such, I can say with certainty that even with your pet's range—"

" _Watch it,"_ Soundbite snarled, starting to vibrate the air with an _ever_ so slight hum.

"—you could not possibly have gathered that much information. So, I want to know how you know."

"…and if I choose not to tell you, Nico Robin?" I finally asked in a low tone of voice. I didn't want to address her like that, but if she was going to play hardball, then I couldn't afford not to play it right back.

Robin stepped even closer, positioning herself _just_ so, so that she was managing to loom, despite she and I being in the same height range. "You're a smart person, Jeremiah. Smart, if slightly foolish. Use your imagination, and rest assured…" She trailed her fingers on my cheek without unfolding her arms. "I _won't_ leave a mark."

Soundbite looked about ready to start an audio-based riot, rip her hand off, or both, but before he could take any form of action, I backhanded the limb away and pushed her back. "I. Am not. Afraid of you," I enunciated clearly and calmly, firmly refusing to give her so much as an inch of ground to work with. "And either way, I _do_ plan on telling you what I know, and the dugongs as well. The reason why I haven't is that the information I have is _intensely_ sensitive. And though I _want_ to trust you…" I paused for a moment before sighing heavily. "The fact is that I can't completely until you join this crew. _Not_ hitch a ride with us," I snapped when she started to say something. "Not force your way on, I mean when you _actually_ join, when you _consider yourself_ part of the crew."

I fell silent for a moment as I stared at her before sighing and pinching the bridge of my nose. "The reason Luffy let you onboard and I didn't report you stowing away is that both he and I can see good in you. We know you're not the monster you make yourself out to be, that so many say you are, but as much as I want to, I can't trust you unconditionally until you can do the same in turn. And it's clear from the fact that you refuse to use any of our names as anything but weapons that you _don't_ trust us that much yet. So, I'm sorry, but I can't tell you what I know and why. Not yet."

Robin stared at me with an indecipherable expression, scanning me up and down and obviously searching me for _some_ flaw she could exploit. Roughly a minute later, she smiled again, this time with much more warmth… a little too much for me to think it was sincere, in fact. "Are you certain about that, Cross?" She stepped up close to me… _very_ clo— _ooooh,_ boy, so that was her game. "Are you certain there's… _nothing_ I can do to change your mind?" she purred into my ear. "Nothing at all?"

I absolutely _wrestled_ with my body, making sure to stay absolutely still as I tried to construct a coherent response… and in the end, I could only default to one option.

"I'll tell you everything that I know," I grit out through clenched teeth. "If you do one thing."

" _Anything…"_ Robin breathed, her hand starting to slide _somewhere._

I didn't wait to find out where, instead grabbing her wrist and taking a step back from her. "You tell the crew about the day Ohara _died."_

The change hit Robin like a lightning bolt, every muscle in her body positively locking up and old, deeply ingrained _terror_ flaring up in her eyes as the breath rushed out of her lungs in a ragged, emotion-filled gasp.

Soundbite's eyes widened in shock. " _Holy shit…"_

"What—?" Robin started before being cut off by a fit of tremors. She was forced to swallow heavily and try to regain control her emotions before trying again. "What do you know about Ohara." It was a demand, not a question.

I glanced around Robin, confirming that none of the crew were nearby before leaning in and looking her dead in the eye. "More than anyone still alive besides you. Enough to know that what happened was the absolute epitome of a tragedy and an atrocity, and enough to know that the meaning of the word 'Justice' has been _irrevocably_ sullied by what happened. It's one of many reasons why I started the SBS in the first place." I trailed off uncomfortably as I took in the terrified expression Robin bore before speaking again. "Look, I'm _sorry_ I had to use their memories as a weapon, Robin, but the fact is that until you can trust us with that… I can't trust you. Understand?"

Robin's mouth opened and shut helplessly, obviously at a complete and utter loss for words.

Before she could say anything, however, she was broken out of her paralysis by a din of whistling, cymbals, and voices approaching us from a distance. Robin glanced in the direction of the noise before shooting a glare at me that would have been _much_ scarier had she not still been half-panicked.

"This isn't over," she warned me shakily before stalking off, only _just_ managing to pull her devil-may-care facade back into place.

"The absolute hell it is…" I breathed to myself in agreement.

" _Ohara?"_ Soundbite questioned hesitantly.

"Ever see an entire island, people and all, perish in fire in less than an _hour?"_

" **No…"** Soundbite shook his head slowly, obviously dreading whatever I was planning on saying.

"She has; that's what happened to her home when she was eight," I told him solemnly. "She was the only survivor, and the World Government's been hunting her ever since."

Soundbite stiffened before slowly turning his gaze after Robin, finally managing to breathe out an awed "… _ **holy shit…"**_

I tsked darkly as I marched towards the main deck. "Believe me, Soundbite, there was _nothing_ holy about that day."

Soundbite didn't reply as I approached where the rest of my crewmates were standing, looking up at the massive monkey-themed ship and crew that was pulling up alongside the Merry, their chant of "Salvage! Salvage the Sea!" grating on my ears almost as bad as punk metal. Finally, the ship came to a stop.

"Are we on top of the place where the ship sank?" barked an authoritative voice.

"Aye-aye, captain, sir!" answered the crew.

" _ **Ohhhh…**_ " Soundbite began to sing, prompting me to slap a hand on his shell and force him back in.

"Not a word about the yellow thing that must not be named," I hissed, before considering. "… at least, not until we meet the talking starfish."

" _HA!"_

"Could you two focus, please!?" Vivi demanded.

"When they say 'captain' and 'sir,' they're talking about me!"

Our attention was drawn back to the odd ship by the bark of the same voice as before, whose owner was revealed to be a bulky, hairy man with wide lips, orange overalls, and a tail (real or not, to this day I neither know nor am eager to find out) standing on the ship's stem. "Prepare to raise the ship! What lies on the bottom now belongs to the king of all salvagers: captain of the Masira Pirates, Masira! Ook kee kee!"

The crew onboard responded with hooting cheers, obviously as pumped up as their captain was.

"Well, these guys are completely nuts…" Nami muttered before looking at me. "Do you think these guys will be a problem, O great and wise tactician, or should we just wait and see?"

I shot her a cocky smirk. "What, you didn't enjoy the surpri—?" THWACK! "YEOWCH!" I cut myself off with a yelp as I cradled my slugged arm. "Geeze, tough crowd… Alright, alright, I'll handle this. Soundbite, Gastro-Amp. AHOY, THERE!" I waved at Masira in an attempt to draw his attention. "Sorry to bother you, but did you just say that you're getting ready to salvage that ship below us?"

"Huh?" Masira blinked at me in confusion before pumping his chest out. "Yeah, that's right! These waters are my territory; every vessel that sinks in these parts automatically becomes mine!" He scowled challengingly at us. "Why do you ask? You're not trying to take something that belongs to me, are ya?"

I shrugged innocently as I pointed at the crewmates on his ship that were suiting up and preparing to dive, pointedly ignoring the frantic gestures Usopp and Carue were making. "Nah, just trying to tell you that if you're sending anybody down, you should warn them to be careful. We've got our own guys down there, and if you try and lay your hands on them, they're liable to lay their hands on you. And by 'lay their hands on', I mean they'll put their fists through your helmets."

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!?" the majority of my crewmates hollered at me in disbelief.

"Oh, really?" Masira growled. Then, in an impressive display of strength, he leapt the full distance from the bow of his ship to the railing of ours, causing everyone onboard aside from Boss, Robin, and myself to retreat several paces. "And what gives you the idea that you can just invade my territory, steal my property, and threaten my crew?"

"Take a step back, Monkey-Breath," Lassoo growled, shifting in less than two seconds from a drowsy sunbathing dog to an attack hound, teeth bared at Masira.

"Down, boy," I ordered nonchalantly as I waved him off, cocking an eyebrow at the other pirate's show of machismo. Honestly, Friday and 13 had been _way_ scarier than this guy. Heck, I _lived_ with scarier people. "And to answer your question, simple: the law of finders fucking keepers. We had boots on that ship before it sank. Hell, it literally fell into our laps, almost sinking our ship. We _deserve_ dibs on the salvage."

Masira's stance became less menacing, though he still frowned heavily. "I don't care if you sank that ship or not, the fact is that once it fell beneath the waves, all the treasure on it became _mine!_ Now either get your guys out of there and leave or—!"

"But we don't even _want_ the treasure onboard that ship, if there is any!" I hastily interrupted.

" _Excuse me!?"_

"Will you _shut the hell up, woman?"_ I desperately hissed out of the corner of my mouth, my eyes never leaving Masira.

The ape-man, meanwhile, had crossed his arms and was staring at me curiously. "You don't want treasure? Then what the heck _do_ you want?"

"Information," I said, crossing my arms. "You didn't hear me earlier. When I said that that ship fell into our laps, I wasn't kidding around, I was being literal. That ship fell onto us from out of the freaking _sky_. We think that it might have come from a Sky Island and we want to follow it up there."

Masira's eyes and mouth both widened in obvious shock. It took a minute or so for him to speak again. "Sky Island? A-are you serious!?"

Nami shot a glare at me as she walked up before holding up her wrist. "See for yourself. I think it's crazy, but, well, the Log doesn't lie… I think…"

Masira's eyes and mouth dropped wide as he took in the abnormally vertical needle. "Shoujou _said_ that the wreck came from out of nowhere…" he breathed before jerking back in shock. "HOLY CRAP, IT REALLY FELL FROM THE SKY!"

"Eeyup!" I nodded in agreement. "And we're searching it now for any clues on how it got up there in the first place! It's a longshot, sure, but worth a try anyway." I snapped my fingers in faux-realization. "Say, how about this? You help us salvage the ship, we'll let you have all the treas-ah— _ARGH!"_ I yelped in agony as Nami grabbed my shoulder in a goddamn _vice,_ forcing me to hastily amend what I was saying _._ "A-a-a _percentage_ of the treasure! To be negotiated at a later date!" I sighed in relief as Nami let me go before plastering an eager grin on my face. "So, what do you say, Captain Masira? Think you could help us with this _completely impossible journey?"_

At that, the ape-man broke into a full-blown grin before shooting a thumbs-up at me. "You got it, kid!"

My eye twitched furiously as my arm jerked towards my belt. "Starting to get a complex about that, either call me by my name _or get brained."_

Masira chuckled apologetically as he scratched the back of his head, moving down from the railing onto the deck. "Ah, sorry about that. What's your name, then?"

I took a moment to calm myself down before grinning and holding my hand out to the ape-man. "I'm Cross. Jeremiah Cross, third mate of the Strawhat Pirates."

" _Ook kee!?"_ Masira's jaw dropped wide as he stared at me in shock. "Wait, you mean that you're _that_ Jeremiah Cross? The one who hosts that awesome SBS show?! I _thought_ your voice sounded familiar!" He blushed and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Ah, man, this is really embarrassing! My brother Shoujou and I are _huge_ fans of your show! Geeze, chances are that he's gonna _kill me_ for being so rude to you! Oh, and you must be Soundbite! Wow, this is such an honor, I'm a _great_ fan!"

All I could do was blink in shock as I processed the new turn of events. "Well, now…"

" **Holy** _wow,"_ Soundbite concurred.

"Good grief…" Lassoo groaned, flopping back onto his stomach.

"H-hey, wait a second!" Chopper yelped hastily, jabbing a finger upwards. "What about our flag?! Our Jolly Roger's emblazoned on the sail and flag! How could you not know it was us!?"

Masira chuckled sheepishly as he scratched the back of his head. "Ah, well, to be honest… I thought that you guys might have been fans of the show too and were showing it! Honest mistake, my bad!"

I _nearly_ face-planted at the absurdity of what I just heard, the weight of the sweatdrop I _knew_ was hanging from my head nearly dragging me to the deck. _Now_ I remembered what I'd forgotten about the Saruyama Alliance: both of the brothers had as much common sense as Luffy did. That is to say, _jack_ and _shit._

"Anyways, sorry again about the threats and all that," Masira waved his hand sheepishly. "The other pirates in these waters tend to be rough by nature, and we have our… differences at times, so to speak. My brother and I have had to be protective of our turf, or else our wrecks could be poached by somebody just for the sake of messing with us. But anyways!" He clapped his hands together. "To business! You want that wreck salvaged and searched for information? Then you can bet that my men and I will salvage the heck out of it, no sweat!"

"Perfect!" I gave him an A-OK sign with a grin. "You go ahead and send your crew down to do whatever they were going to do, we'll tell our guys _not_ to beat them to a bloody pulp! Let's do it!"

"ALRIGHT!" Masira whooped as he leapt back over to his own ship and started barking out orders, sending his men scrambling into motion.

"Do you really think this will work?" Vivi asked hesitantly.

"Are you kidding?" I deadpanned, gesturing at Masira. "He and Luffy are going to hit it off as soon as they see each other."

"I don't think that's what Princess Nefertari meant, Mister Jeremiah," Robin noted from where she was standing off to the side.

I glanced at her momentarily before shrugging. "If you're talking about his capabilities as a salvager, then yes, I'm sure; I don't know who gave him his title, but I doubt his crew'd be so enthusiastic in supporting him if he hadn't earned it. Just sit back, and enjoy the show," I said casually as I moved over to the tubes. "Soundbite, think you can—?"

" _What's up, Cross?"_ Soundbite grunted with a familiar scowl.

I sighed in relief before speaking. "Just calling to let you guys know that we have company up here and that you've got some people heading down your way."

" _What!?"_ Soundbite yelped, clenching his left eye shut as he spoke. " _Are my beauties alright? Damn it, I'll send the dugongs up! Hang on, we're—!"_

"Friendly, _friendly_ company!" I barked, hopefully managing to cut him off. "Geeze, alright, I'll admit I could have worded that better, but _seriously…"_ I sighed and shook my head. "Anyways, there are a few other divers coming your way with equipment to help with the salvaging. Just let them go about their business and this whole thing should go a _lot_ smoother."

" _Hang on… yeah, I think I see them now,"_ Zoro confirmed. " _Metal suits and… some kind of giant mechanical ribcage?"_

"Yeah, that's them," I confirmed.

" _Alright, we'll keep Luffy and the dugongs away from them. Thanks, Cross."_

"No problem, and good luck." And with that, the connection was closed.

The next few minutes were quite impressive indeed; from the Masira Pirates lowering their cradle to grasp the St. Briss' wreck to Masira blowing a freaking _air bubble_ into and around the thing, these guys amply demonstrated that they were not your run-of-the-mill salvagers. No… these guys blew traditional salvagers a clear mile out of the water.

It was only after Masira jumped in to go down and help our guys investigate that I started _really_ searching the waters around us, scanning the depths for what I knew was to come. After all, once things started to happen, chances were that they would be happening fast whether I liked it or not, and no amount of forewarning would be able to change _that._

"Is something amiss, Mister Tactician?"

I glanced back at Robin and started thinking of how to dodge the question, before stopping myself short. Why _did_ I have to dodge the question? Robin had managed to divine that I knew a lot of things that I shouldn't; the fact that she didn't know why yet didn't matter. Honestly, she'd been the only one I'd been trying to hide things from! But now, with that cat out of the bag… eh, screw subtlety! For now, anyways…

"Oh, just waiting for another giant sea turtle to show up," I glibly informed her.

Robin stiffened as she blinked in confusion, obviously taken aback by the apparent non-sequitur. "I beg your pardon?"

I couldn't help but grin as Soundbite tensed on my shoulder and Carue loosed a _very_ panicked squawk. "Aaand there it is. Dontcha _love_ the Grand Line's exquisite sense of timing?"

"What are you—?!" Robin cut herself off with a shocked breath as she stared over the edge of the ship, catching sight of the relatively gargantuan shadow beneath us.

"By the way…" I mused as I took it in. "Now that I think about it, whatever happened to that tortoise you were using as a chauffeur while you were working for the Croc bastard? Banchi, was it?"

" _CROSS!"_

I rolled my eyes with a fond sigh as an all-too-familiar screech ripped across the ship. "Story for another time, but for now, they're _fine_ , Nami, it won't hurt them!"

The Merry promptly shuddered as the trio's air hoses snapped taut, tilting our ship slightly as they and the cables leading from Masira's ship were dragged straight down.

"…OK, let me qualify that statement…"

" _Crooooooss…"_ Nami scowled, stalking towards me with _very_ twitchy hands.

Surprisingly enough, however, I found a savior coming to my aid in the form of our resident four-foot walking rug.

"Leave Cross's neck alone, Nami!" Chopper pleaded desperately. "I know he earns it a lot—!"

"EEYUP!" Soundbite concurred.

"Dat's twue!" Carue nodded.

"Can't argue with that…" Lassoo yawned.

"There is a conspiracy afoot here, I swear to _God…"_

"—but if you keep choking Cross, you're liable to do real, lasting damage to his vertebrae!" Chopper finished hastily. "I-I'm not asking you to stop forever, that's unlikely. Just… give him a break for awhile, okay?"

Nami rolled her eyes with a growl. "Ugh, fine… if only because we still need this moron's inconsiderate brain for _something..."_

"Don't worry, Nami," Vivi reassured the navigator as she ambled up to me with a beatific smile that was sending shivers up my spine for _some_ reason or other. "There's still _one_ way we can express our displeasure in a healthy manner!"

I took a nervous step back from the princess. "…friendly discourse?"

"Nope."

SLAM!

" _SWEET BABY JESUS!"_ I bit out as I doubled over and clutched my privates.

" _That,"_ Vivi stated sweetly over the sound of Soundbite laughing raucously.

" _That is_ not _a healthy manner!"_ Chopper shrieked.

"It is when he neglects to mention the _ten-ton turtle about to swallow our friends!"_ Vivi scowled, dropping her charade.

"And besides…" Robin mused thoughtfully. "I've always thought the gene pool could use a little… supervision."

Chopper made to say something, before pausing thoughtfully. "Well, when you put it that way…"

I swear I felt something snap in the back of my mind as I straightened, glaring daggers at the four of them. "I hope you realize that you're all going to pay _dearly_ for this," I snarled. I took a perverse glee in seeing all four of them take a nervous step back.

"H-Hey, c'mon, Cross!" Chopper stammered. "I-I got them to stop strangling you, that counts for something, right?"

" _This is not an acceptable alternative, furball!"_ I bit out viciously as I slowly worked my way to my feet. "Ergh, sonnuva—forget it, I'll deal with you all at a later date. For now, _brace!"_

"What are you—?"

SPLOOSH!

"—AAAGH!"

Usopp's question was cut off in a scream as the ocean's surface exploded, allowing a moderately massive turtle to surface and presumably breathe for a little bit.

I chuckled at everyone flailing to regain their balance before eyeing the shelled Sea King. "So, what does it say about my life so far that I can say without a doubt that that is the _second_ biggest sea turtle any of us have ever seen?"

"WILL YOU ACTUALLY BE SERIOUS FOR A MOMENT?!" Usopp sobbed in panic.

"Usopp's right, Cross!" Vivi concurred desperately. "The guys' air hoses are hanging out of that thing's mouth!"

" _DEY'RE GONNA BE EATEN!"_ Carue squawked, flapping his wings frantically. "DEN WHO'LL FIGHT DA STUPIDWY TOUGH MONSTAHS!?"

"Alright, don't panic, don't panic, don't panic!" Chopper hyperventilated as he jackhammered his hooves against his forehead. "I-I-I just need to make a Sea King grade emetic! _Quick! Get me five hundred CCs of fresh water,_ _**a thousand kilograms of fecal matter AND A SYRINGE THE SIZE OF A—!"**_

 _THWACK!_

"OW!… thank you."

"No problem," I shrugged as I spun my baton back into my pocket. "And besides, I don't think we need to bother trying to make it spit up the ship."

"So, wait, you mean that the guys will be okay?" Nami asked curiously.

I rolled my eyes with a weary sigh. "Yes, they're going to be fine, and _no,_ we don't need to cut their lines to save the Merry. We just need something really shocking to make it drop its jaw. Like, say…night suddenly falling."

Aaaaaand…

Everyone looked around in confusion.

"Was that supposed to do something, Cross?" Vivi asked.

I ground my teeth as I looked upwards. "I _said, NIGHT SUDDENLY FALLING!"_

C'mon, where the hell was it? I was starting to look bad damn it holy shit that cloud's moving _fast_ and _there we go._

"YOUR SENSE _**of timing**_ _SUCKS,"_ Soundbite scoffed.

"Bite— _tsk!_ Ergh, anyways, this is the first time I've been off!" I shot back. "Besides, it's not like the world is on clockwork!"

"He does this _often_?" Robin asked, not quite as calmly as expected.

"Let me put it this way…" Nami grit out as her eye twitched on account of her trying to keep from panicking. "I envy your powers on account of how you can dope-slap Cross whenever he deserves it, anytime, anywhere."

"Pardon me if I don't find that reassuring."

" _Cross,_ what happened to the sky?!" Vivi demanded with far less control than Nami. "Some time-based Devil Fruit or something?!"

"If I knew about a time-based Devil Fruit, I would have eaten it already, and dope-slapped myself before I got you a bounty," I responded. "No, it's not _really_ night. It's just a cloud formation."

"What kind of a cloud formation is _that_ thick!?" our navigator demanded.

I let a devilish grin creep onto my face, then turned back to the turtle, whose mouth was opening. "I'll save that explanation for when the others get back."

SPLOOSH! CRASH! Luffy shot over the side of the railing and slammed onto the deck.

"HA! Back on track! Booyah! Can a brother—?" CHOMP! "YEOW!"

" _Watch it,_ **white trash."**

"…yeah, that's fair."

"Hey, guys," Zoro saluted us casually as he, Sanji and the Dugongs clambered onboard, toting bags stuffed with loot. The swordsman dropped his own sack before cocking an eyebrow at me. "You didn't think to mention the turtle?"

"I didn't think it mattered," I shrugged indifferently.

"He _does_ have a point," Boss pointed out.

"Mmrgh…" Zoro finally grunted in agreement.

"But-but-but how did you guys get out?" Usopp sputtered.

"Look, the turtle's mouth is open!" Chopper pointed out.

"Yeah, we noticed that on our way out," Raphey commented with a shrug. "Weird, huh?"

"Weird…" Carue mused. "It awmost wooks… scawed?"

"PHWOO!"

"QUACK!"

Carue was interrupted by Luffy jerking up with a gasp as he spat out a lungful of seawater. That done he blinked stupidly in surprise. "Oh, I'm alive. That's nice." He then looked upwards in confusion. "Huh? Why's it dark out?"

"Oh, it's not night, don't worry," I reassured him, fighting to keep my grin off my face. "We're just under cloud cover. If you think normal clouds cast shades, you should see what entire seas of them are capable of."

Nami mouthed 'seas of them' before stiffening as the blood drained out of her face. _Eeeever_ so slowly, she looked upwards. "No _way…"_ she breathed.

"Ooooh, yes way…" I nodded eagerly. "The Briss came from a small outlier of this thing, but that's the main glut right there. And it's not even the only one in the world, either!"

Nami worked her jaw helplessly for a moment before clenching it shut. "Well… that's me told… so, will something here help us get up there, then?" She gestured weakly at the bags of relics our crewmates had gathered.

"Eh…" I wavered my hand horizontally. "Something Luffy picked up will be useful in the long run, and I'm sure that Robin will appreciate the chance to look over some two hundred-year-old relics—"

"I won't deny that I _do_ want to give our most recent acquisitions a peek…" Robin mused, licking her lips hungrily as she eyed the bags.

"—plus maybe we can get a good price from some collectors for barely water-damaged South Blue Antiques, buuut…" I shrugged helplessly. "The fact is that we'll be getting the help we need from a who, not a what."

"And this 'who' would be…?" Vivi trailed off questioningly.

SPLOOSH! A massive hand suddenly reached up and grabbed the Merry's railing before hauling an even _larger_ mass onto the ship's deck. "Whoo, that was scary! Hey, you guys alright?"

Everyone familiar with Masira stared at him blankly before slowly turning to stare at _me._

"You'll thank me later," I preened before addressing the salvager. "And we're fine, thanks. But you should _probably_ tell your guys to cut your salvage cradle loose before you lose your ship, no?"

Masira stiffened with a scowl. "Oh, yeah… _damn it,_ that thing cost us a fortune! Gonna wreck the budget, Shoujou's really going to let me have it. Buuut I guess there's nothing we can do against a monster _that_ big. Alright, boys, I know it's a tragedy, but cut loose the cradle!"

The salvage king's crew's only response was to stammer and shiver incoherently.

"Huh? Guys, what's wrong?"

"C-C-Captain, _l-l-l-look!"_

It took all I had not to cackle as everyone on the Merry looked in the same direction as the other crew and the sea monster.

"Oh, did I forget to mention?" I stated innocently, my voice sliding across the frigid silence that had frozen the air. "There are people living up there. _Those—"_ I pointed at the literally freaking _titanic_ forms visible in the darkness around us. "Are their shadows. Scary, no?"

Ain't technical truths absolutely _hilarious?_

The silence lasted a second longer.

Two…

Three…

Then one of the Shandorans' spears twitched, and Soundbite _screamed_ like a little bitch in falsetto.

" _MOOOONSTEEEEEEERS!"_

And like that, we were _off!_

 **-o-**

Five minutes later found me rolling on the deck laughing my ass off at my crewmates' reactions. Their faces, the burst of strength that they'd put on to row so fast… downright hilarious, _grade A_ _comedy_ at its utmost finest! So much so that my laughter wasn't even hampered by the fact that Vivi was currently doing her idle best to shatter my ribcage with her feet.

"JACKASS! BASTARD! SCUMBUCKET! UNCULTURED POTATO! INCONSIDERATE! GODDAMN! _ASSHOLE!"_

Of course, the fact that she was cursing so much that the dugongs and Carue were all standing and watching her with identical blushes may have had something to do with that, too.

It also helped that her kicks didn't hurt _that_ much, so I could keep laughing without worry.

"PFFHAHAHA— _OOF!_ —HAHAHA! OH HOH HOH MY _GO-O—ORGH!—OOOD!_ YOUR FACES! YOUR _FA-A—ARGH!—CES!_ THAT WAS PRICELESS! _PRICELESS! PFFHAHAHAHAAAA!"_

"Sky Island scary, Sky Island scary, Sky Island scary…" Usopp moaned as he rocked back and forth in a fetal position on the deck. Chopper was hunched over a barrel, scribbling frantically on page after page of a notepad as he tried to figure out the biological logistics of something that broke the square-cube law like a dry twig. He had a look in his eye, yes, but thankfully it was only halfway worrying. Robin was doing her best to maintain her calm exterior; Zoro, Nami, and Sanji were all watching Vivi with varying degrees of satisfaction; Lassoo was, of course, still asleep; and Luffy and Masira were talking animatedly about the shadows.

"Ook kee! Man, so you're really thinking of going up there, huh?" the gorilla-esque man asked excitedly. "I can only imagine what the journey will be like! I'm so jealous!"

"Shishishi! Me too!" Luffy nodded in agreement as he scratched his finger beneath his nose. "I'm really looking forwards to those giants too! I mean, we've met giants before, sure, but never any _that_ big!" His grin widened exponentially. "Oooh, if we're _really_ lucky, then maybe we'll get to _fight_ one!"

"VETO!" Nami snapped, slapping her hand up with an offended roar.

"SECONDED!" Zoro concurred.

"Wai— _pffhahaha… hoo…—wait…"_ I raised my hand pleadingly. "Wait… I-I _might_ have fibbed a little, alri—?" CRUNCH! "GAH! ALWAYS WID DA NOZE, BIDCH!"

"ASSHOLE!" Vivi snarled as she stomped away.

"Grgh…" I gurgled painfully as I jerked my nose back into position and pinched it shut before speaking. "Technical pacifist my lucky left… tsk, anyways. Look, those shadows were just that: shadows. I won't bore you with the technical details, but simply put, it was just a trick of the light. The people up there have wings, yes, but besides that, the only differences they have from us are cultural. Alright?"

Luffy sagged and got pouty, but everyone else relaxed by a fair margin.

"Anyways," I said, turning to Masira. "Thanks for your help, Captain Masira, and sorry about technically kidnapping you from your ship. But, ah… while we have you… seeing how our little makeshift salvage operation was…" I gestured at the array of 'antiques' (read: junk) we'd retrieved and laid out on the deck. "Apparently fruitless, I don't suppose _you_ have any ideas on how to reach Sky Island, do you?"

"Eh, don't worry about the whole 'kidnapping' thing," Masira waved me off carelessly. "We were all in a panic, it was about as much my fault as yours. And besides…" He dug around in his overalls and withdrew an Eternal Pose. "I freedive a lot, so I carry this around with me in case a current swells up and snatches me from my ship. My crew knows to meet me here if we ever get separated. Which is a good thing either way…" He shot us all a large thumbs up. "Because I think I might know someone who can help you guys with your problem!"

I grinned victoriously amidst everyone's cries of shock and relief. Can you say 'jackpot'?

"Jaya, huh?" Nami read off of the Pose's label. "Do you know anything about it, Vivi?"

The princess bit her thumb thoughtfully. "Well… my father and I did stop there a few times going to and from Alabasta, but…" She shook her head in denial. "He, Igaram, Pell and Chaka always made triply sure that I never went ashore while we were there."

"Good call," I agreed. "The only civilization on the island is Mock Town. It's a pirate town, and about as rough as rough gets."

Masira nodded in agreement. "Cross is right, Mock Town is bad news through and through. Fortunately, our destination is on the _other_ side of the island: our boss's house. Believe me, the boss is a smart man, and he believes in the impossible as much as my brother and I. If anyone knows of a way to reach Sky Island, it'll be him!"

Nami glanced at Luffy and I, and once he nodded and I shot her a thumbs up, she began issuing the appropriate orders to the rest of the crew.

"So…" she asked me once the ship was as good as autonomous, walking over next to me as she eyed the salvaged objects Robin was poring over. "You said something about a piece here being useful in the long run?"

"Eeyup," I nodded, inching around the arms Robin had set to work as I grasped the handle of the dilapidated waver and carefully dragged it to the side where Nami could look it over. "This sorry thing right here."

Nami took one look at the distinctly _ex_ -vehicle before giving me an unimpressed stare. "You're starting to get on my nerves with the jokes, Cross."

"Hey, no joke this time, I swear," I assured her. "Sure, it needs some serious repair work, but…" I tapped the toe of my boot against the metal orb on the butt of the wreck. "The key component is still intact, and even among its kind, despite its age, it's _still_ an absolute king. Once it's fixed up… well, remember Ace's boat? That's pretty much what this is, save that it's probably even _faster."_

Nami's unimpressed look faded in favor of contemplation, and then adulation. "I love you again, Cross!" Nami squealed as she flung her arms around my neck before skipping away gleefully.

I stared after her blankly for a moment before giving Soundbite a flat look. "From pissed to in love in ten seconds flat," I deadpanned.

" **AND ALL IT** _took was a_ PRICELESS _**and unique**_ **bribe** _ **,"**_ Soundbite snickered.

"You didn't seem all that surprised when I did the same thing," came a nearby, somewhat subdued voice. I glanced back towards Robin who, though her arms were maintaining their diligent archaeology work, was staring straight at me, her expression guarded. Though there was a trace of fear in it. "Mister Jeremiah… I have utilized every means of earning the trust of others over the years except for telling the truth of what happened to me. I will ignore your impossible knowledge for the moment in favor of asking you this: what makes you think that I would change that now?"

I chewed my lip as I contemplated my response. What I _wanted_ to say was that it was because we were the ones Saul had told her about, but it was too soon for that; that kind of a bombshell wouldn't earn her trust, only a snapped neck. As it was, there was only one answer.

"That," I stated neutrally. "Is a question that you and you alone can answer. I am neither capable of nor inclined to try forcing you to tell them. It's not an ultimatum, and there's no time limit. It just… is. When you decide to tell them of your own free will, when you trust them enough to actually join this crew… then I'll tell you."

Her gaze hardened slightly as she looked back down at her work. "You mean then you'll trust me."

"No." Her gaze snapped back up at my statement in surprise. "I already trust you, Robin, to certain degrees and distances. I'm just waiting until we're friends, completely and utterly. And I'll be honest…" I dredged up my memories of the future, of Robin smiling and crying with the crew, of her _really_ opening up. I remembered who she really was… and I smiled. "I'm looking forward to when that day comes."

She stared at me, her arms stilling as she searched my expression for any sign of deception before slowly allowing her arms to dissipate. "You… are an odd person, Cross."

I actually snickered at that, shaking my head sadly. "Oh, you have seen _nothing_ yet, trust me on that!"

FWUM-WUM-WUMP!

"AAAAGH! HELP! WE NEED A DOCTOR!"

I snapped my head up as the sound of three impacts hit the forecastle before scowling darkly. "Allow me to demonstrate." And with that, I marched up the stairs to where Chopper was frantically examining the fallen seagulls.

"THEY'VE BEEN SHOT! THEY'VE BEEN SHOT! SOMEBODY CALL A—"

" _YOU'RE THE_ **DOCTOR,** _ **dumbass!**_ " Soundbite cackled.

"Oh, right!" Chopper moved to examine them, his expert eyes roving over their bodies while Usopp dismissed the idea of them having been shot, which Chopper disproved by extracting the bullets and displaying them for all to see.

"Well, then, they must have been shot awhile back and only died just now," Nami shrugged carelessly as she looked over the birds. "It's a sad and cruel thing, but it can happen. Sorry, Chopper."

"Yeah, and besides!" Usopp called down from the crow's nest. "Even if they'd been shot, Soundbite would have heard any gunshot within a mile of us! Right, slimeball?"

" _EAT MY SHORTS!"_ Soundbite called up before giving Chopper an apologetic look. " _ **But he is right.**_ **I DIDN'T HEAR** _nuthin'."_

"Ah…" Chopper trailed off in an uncomfortable tone as he looked down at the gulls' corpses. "Well… I-I guess it's possible. It's happened before…"

"Just not in this case."

"Huh? Lassoo?" Nami blinked at the dachshund-cannon as he lugged his way up the stairs and approached the bodies. "What are you—?"

Lassoo cut her off by taking a sniff of the bullet Chopper was holding and snorting darkly. "Thought so. Smell it."

Chopper did so, and his pupils promptly dilated. "Gunpowder… this bullet _still_ smells like gunpowder! I-If these birds had been shot even an hour ago, their blood would have washed that smell away!"

"That's because they weren't shot an hour ago, were they?" Lassoo huffed, slowly padding next to me and joining me in glaring forwards.

"Nope," I confirmed, not looking back at the crew as I stared dead ahead over the water. "They were _sniped._ Pay attention, Usopp, you're witnessing the work of the man who's no doubt destined to be your rival in the far future."

"W-what!?" Usopp stammered in shock. "A-are you sure?"

"Hmm…" I hummed, tapping my chin in faux-thought. "You know what? Let me check."

And with that, I stuck my arm out and put my middle finger on display, glaring dead ahead in challenge all the while.

I waited all of five seconds before snapping my arm down and taking a step to the side.

CRACK!

Not a second too soon, judging by how a patch of Merry's mast splintered from the bullet that ricocheted off of it.

"Oh, yeah," I nodded darkly as I glared at the horizon, daring the jackass to take another shot. "I'm sure." And with that, I wheeled around and marched down the stairs to the main deck. "Look alive, people!" I shouted to my crewmates, who were all staring at me in awe. "We're already in range of the enemy." I blew out a harsh _tsk_ as I caught Luffy's gaze. He looked _beyond_ determined, and more than a bit ticked. "It only gets harder from here on out."

Once Luffy nodded at me, I turned my attention to Boss, who needed no prompting before holding out a rucksack.

"Well, Cross, you were right. There were some fancy seashells down there. How about explaining exactly what they are now?"

I grinned as I took the bag and peered at the collection of shells inside. "They're called Dials. And they're going to help some of us get a lot stronger a lot faster." I rubbed my hands together eagerly as I looked them over. "Alright, let's see what we got…"

 **-o-**

In a calm patch of weather in the second half of the Grand Line, a great white whale-shaped ship sailed through the waters. Since the scuttling of the Oro Jackson, it had become the most recognizable silhouette on the high seas of the New World: Moby Dick, the flagship of the Whitebeard Pirates. Many a pirate had seen the ship and sought after it, attempting to topple its captain, either for Justice or for fame.

All of them met with defeat. Many of them met with death.

But some of them chose to adopt the wise philosophy of 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.' And thus, the Whitebeard Pirates grew stronger with each passing month, the captain's title of 'Strongest Man in the World' untouchable by any save the other Emperors, and they scarcely deemed it worth the effort to try.

With this reputation in mind, it would come as a surprise to many just how nonchalant a typical day aboard the Moby Dick was when there were no storms or enemies to deal with. Looking at the way the crew milled about, it felt more like a closely-knit family than anything. Indeed, it was looking at pirates like this, _really_ looking at them, that would give the vast majority of people in the world cause to wonder if the stereotype about all pirates being evil was true.

" _Don don don don!"_

Unless, of course, you happened to have upset them at some point recently.

"Pick up the snail," growled a man with a purple jacket and yellow hair, the good mood he was in abruptly soured.

A handful of other men, all of them division commanders of the Whitebeard Pirates, joined Marco as he moved towards the gastropod in question, one of the grunts moving to obey.

"Three in a day? You think he's going to make this a regular thing?" questioned Haruta.

"If he does, he'd better pray that he doesn't make insulting Pops a regular thing," Jozu grumbled as the other crewmate picked up the receiver.

"I still say you're overreacting," stated Vista. "Ace would have made that joke in a heartbeat."

"Yeah, but _he's_ family," Marco growled. Anything further discussion was cut off by the Transponder Snail taking on a cocky expression.

"Hey, **Cross? While** _ **we're waiting,**_ **I HAVE** A QUESTION."

" _What, Soundbite?_ "

" _MAY I_ **START THE SBS?"**

" _What? Heck no! That's my right as the show's host! The only one who can start it is—! SON OF A—!"_

" _ **HAHAHAHAHA!"**_

"Ha! Somehow, that joke never gets old," Vista laughed.

"Outfoxed by a snail? Yeah, I can see how that wouldn't get old in a hurry," Namur chuckled.

" _You DO realize that this is MY transceiver, right?!"_

" _YEAH,_ **but** _ **you can't**_ **USE IT** WITHOUT _ME!_ _ **HEEHEEHEE**_ **hoohoohoo!"**

Some muttering came over the connection, something about " _writing Goda-sensei a letter,"_ and " _less funny when you're on the receiving end."_

Finally, when the laughter both from the other end of the snail's call and on the deck of the Moby Dick died down, Cross spoke up again.

" _Ugh… alright. Hello, loyal viewers. First, let me assure you that I don't plan on making it a habit of broadcasting three times a day."_

"Aww!"

"Shut up!"

" _But as it stands, Soundbite was getting bored—OUCH!"_

" _ **LIAR, LIAR!"**_

" _You damn… ugh, alright, so I didn't want to admit I made a mistake with an… unconventional incendiary device that earned me the ire of two of my female crewmates and Sanji, and Chopper has suggested that I stay still while these injuries heal up. So, in light of recent… developments… I decided to retire to the storeroom and take the time to make a short broadcast concerning one of the main reasons I started the SBS in the first place: the existence of good pirates._

" _Now, as I said on my first broadcast, good pirates_ do _make up the minority of the population of seafaring rogues. However, the fact remains that they exist. In fact, good pirates make up half the population of the most notorious pirates alive: the Four Emperors, rulers of the second half of the Grand Line. And considering how I've been made aware of the callousness of a remark I made earlier today, I'm going to focus on the greater of these two. Well, greater from my perspective anyways; my captain would say otherwise. Ladies and gentlemen, this broadcast is dedicated to the Whitebeard Pirates."_

All those who had previously been scowling blinked in surprise, and the usual hubbub on deck quieted down to nothing.

"…I'll go make sure Pops is listening to this," Marco muttered before taking off and heading for the captain's quarters.

" _Yes, and if the Marines didn't want me dead before, this broadcast is going to be the final nail in my coffin. Oh, well, they still have to catch me first. Now, the Whitebeard Pirates… I don't know what many of you listening may have heard about Whitebeard. Let me confirm some of the common rumors: strongest man in the world? True. Gold Roger's old rival? Well, one of them. The man had a lot of rivals. Captain of the biggest pirate fleet in the world? Eh… I'm pretty sure that's true. Let's say he's the captain of the biggest fleet that doesn't hide their numbers. And finally, dangerous to provoke? Oh, yes, that's true, but therein lies the reason I see him as a good pirate. See, the easiest way to make the old man angry enough to bring the entire force of the Whitebeard Pirates down on your head?"_

The crew waited…

" _Stealing their sake."_

Everyone on the deck either faceplanted or roared with laughter. "Pops probably _would_ if it wasn't one of us," Jozu admitted through his chortles.

"And maybe even if it was!" Vista chuckled.

" _Sorry, everyone, that was a joke, though I'm not prepared to say it's untrue. But the main way to provoke them? Hurting_ anyone _under their protection."_

The deck quieted again.

" _See, the Grand Line is a dangerous place._ Lots _of insanely strong pirates sail the seas, and as I've established, most of them are the stereotypical 'rape, pillage, and plunder' kind. As a result of this, it's not uncommon to find islands that get hit more often than others for food, supplies, or…_ other _resources. Whitebeard and most, if not_ all _of those loyal to him don't approve of such things, which is why they have a habit of claiming those islands as their territory. What benefits do the Whitebeard Pirates reap from that? Places to resupply without fear of arrest? Not really; their strength and reputation ensures that anyway. So, there's no visible benefit to them taking these islands._

" _Except… it means that thousands, perhaps millions, live without fear of a pirate attack. And if anyone disagrees with that idea, they will bring the full force of the most powerful crew in the world down on their heads. At Whitebeard's command, dozens of pirate crews, each with the force of an army, would come to avenge anyone who dared to harm one of his territories."_

"I think he's made up for that comment earlier today," Blamenco noted. His comment was promptly met with an absolute barrage of hushes.

" _And Heaven forbid if you touch a member of his crew. Seriously, just don't do it. Let me see if I can draw a logical outcome here: if the Marines were to successfully capture anyone who followed him, and were_ stupid _enough to broadcast that fact, well, we have an award for such people where I'm from._

" _It's called a Darwin Award, always awarded posthumously to those who have performed the world the_ ultimate _good: dying, so that the world's genepool isn't contaminated by their stupidity anymore."_

"If he keeps this up, the World Government is going to _create_ that award just so they can give it to him if they capture him," Izo muttered.

" _Seriously, how many Marines would die for that? How many people would perish just to make an example? A statement? And even if the Marines triumphed over Whitebeard… would_ they _instantly step in to take over the territories once protected by his name? Or would they leave them to be conquered by other pirates? This, everyone, is why not even the Marines challenge the Whitebeard Pirates: because those pirates are doing their job for them. A job they are unilaterally unable to fulfill."_

"Oh, yeah, Izo. They'd definitely do that," Namur said with a smirk. "You know, I say if his crew makes it to the New World, we invite them to join us."

"Namur, Cross' captain is Ace's brother; if they planned on joining us, we'd know by now," Jozu pointed out.

"Actually, now that I think about it, Ace once told me the chances of his brother joining us once he got into the New World," Marco commented, having rejoined them a minute before.

"Oh, yeah? What'd he say?"

Marco grinned fondly. "And I quote: 'About as much as Pops choosing to go dry.'"

It took all of five seconds for that message to sink in, at which point the Whitebeards burst out laughing.

 **-o-**

On an island where no man lived, a group of powerful pirates moved with grace and authority through the streets of a well-constructed city. Varying in size and shape, they nonetheless gave the clear message of authority and power. But more than either of those, they showed beauty. And none more so than the black-haired woman leading them, clad in a blouse and sarong that showed a generous amount of skin, and with a cold beauty about her that while impassive, would make any normal man fall groveling at her feet.

The Kuja Pirates' trek back to the palace after a successful raid at sea to prepare for the feast came to an abrupt halt when their aforementioned beautiful captain stopped, her eyes falling upon a nearby building. A small, mischievous smile came over her face, and she turned towards it. Two taller women, one with green hair and a serpent's tongue and the other with orange hair and a sumo physique, rolled their eyes before following her, and the remainder of the crew followed them without hesitation.

"Off to ruin Nyon's tea-time again are we? Zahaha!" Daisy chuckled behind her mouth.

"I swear, one of these days, the old bat is going to snap and take the Snake Princess's head off…" Ran sighed wearily as she massaged her temple.

"I'm about getting there myself…" Sandersonia hissed out of the corner of her mouth.

"Maybe so, but you can't say that their spats aren't entertaining," Marigold reasoned.

Sandersonia hunched forwards with a snort. "When did I ever say otherwise?"

Pointedly ignoring the musings of her crewmates and siblings, the world-renowned Pirate Empress Boa Hancock strode up to the door of Elder Nyon's favorite tea salon, reared her leg back and slammed her heel into the indent that had formed in the doors on account of her near-daily abuse of them.

"Elder Nyon!" the Empress announced firmly, her voice resonating throughout the shop, and her head tilted so far forward that she was looking up (sure, let's go with that). "Is there a reason you decided not to honor your Empress as she returned from a fruitful voyage? Pray for your own sake that there is a reason, for I shall not!"

Hancock waited for the telltale screech of Nyon's rage at having her tea-time interrupted, eager for yet another chance to strike some more dents into that old bag's leathery hide, and promptly frowned in confusion when she was met with only silence.

She cast a look at Sandersonia without altering her pose. "Has fate been kind and the witch been stricken down by the radiance of my beauty?"

"Uh…" The tallest of the sisters leaned down and gazed into the store. "Not… exactly?"

Hancock straightened her stance and looked into the salon, where she was met with a crowd of Amazons that were collectively staring at something. While most people would have been curious about what everyone was staring at, Hancock was concerned with a far more pressing issue.

Namely, the fact that no one was staring at _her._

An ugly scowl painted Hancock's beautiful features as she marched into the salon. "What is the meaning of this?!" she snarled viciously.

The assembled Amazons promptly jerked away from her in terror as they became aware of her presence.

"S-Snake Princess!" a younger blonde member of the Guardian warriors stammered fearfully.

"Saga of—Oh no…" a more rotund warrior gulped.

"Not good…" a large face whimpered from where she was looking in through the window.

Of the crowd, only one didn't react with visible terror. This 'one' was a senior citizen, calmly sipping her tea as she continued to watch the Transponder Snail that was perched on her table. "Ah, so the _brat_ princess has returned, has she? Welcome back, Hancock. Why _nyon_ don't you pull up a seat? I do believe that the show's just getting good."

The Snake Empress cocked an eyebrow in a decidedly unimpressed manner. "'Show'? What are you talking about, you senile old—?"

Hancock was interrupted by the Transponder Snail continuing to speak. " _I mean, can you_ imagine _the state that Fishman Island alone would be in if not for Whitebeard? That's an entire kingdom, a member of the World Government no less, at the unabated 'mercy' of whatever pirates or raiders decide to go to it! How hard would it be to maintain a base down there, some coated battleships at_ most _to maintain order? But noooo, the Marines are perfectly content with leaving their bottleneck as is, leaving the protection of Fishman Island solely to Whitebeard. Some might say the Warlord Jinbe does his own part, but he's not so much a part of the Marines as he is the World Government, so in my opinion? That doesn't count!"_

Hancock's anger cooled and her eyes widened in surprise; even the fact that it was a male voice couldn't impede the sheer shock of hearing someone outright _disparage_ the Marines like that.

"What is this, Elder Nyon?" she asked, her tone perfectly even.

The Elder's lip quirked up into a smirk as she took a sip of her tea. "Some pirate _nyon_ named Jeremiah Cross got his hands on a government device that let him connect to every Transponder Snail in the world at once. He's been taking _nyon_ the opportunity to tear the 'holy' reputation of the Marines and World Government apart."

"KINDA _LIKE HOW_ _ **fainting**_ **on number** ninety-nine of a HUNDRED PUSHUPS _**doesn't count either!"**_

" _THE ABSOLUTE HELL IT DOESN'T, JACKASS!"_

"Ah, yes, and that _nyon_ would be the Transponder Snail with which he uses the device, Soundbite. He's quite the riot himself!" Nyon snickered.

"Saga of—How does he speak?" one of the Amazons mused.

The Boa sisters and Nyon stiffened momentarily, prompting Hancock to hastily speak up.

"Well, whether or not you find this 'broadcast' entertaining is entirely irrelevant!" she sniffed haughtily. "The laws of Amazon Lily are clear: the presence of men on this island is strictly prohibited! And as Empress, I deem this law to extend even to the voice of men! As such, _Granny_ Nyon, you will do well to silence that snail at once, or else—"

" _Anyway… I've said my fill on Whitebeard and his crew, but I have one more thing to say before I end this. The subject of what fishmen and mermen have endured can wait until another broadcast, that's too broad of a subject with the time I've got now. Someday soon, I'll talk about that, but let me give you a sneak peek now: the most common victimization that would happen to anyone who was left to pirates' mercy on Fishman Island? A hell worse than Impel Down, worse than facing Whitebeard in a temper: the hell that is_ slavery."

Hancock's words died in her throat as the middle of her back suddenly burned, allowing only a ragged and undignified gurgle to exit. Judging by the sharp hisses at her side and the way Nyon tensed, she was far from the only one affected.

" _Now, I can only imagine the skepticism being felt the world over, on account of how the Marines and the World Government supposedly outlawed slavery two hundred years ago, and for the majority of the world, I'm sure that this holds true, but the horrific fact is that the practice is_ not _dead on a global scale, and is still willingly practiced by many. And not just lowlifes, for that matter, not just in the shadows. There are slavehouses operating in broad daylight, peddling human flesh by the boatload, putting prices on lives and selling them to the highest, richest bidders who do so without so much as a hint of remorse._

" _And it's not just in the Grand Line either, oh no! The market might be here, but the product? All you need to do is look, and you will find people in chains in the Blues as well, and this is an absolute fact! It's horrific, it's disgusting, it's_ inhuman… _and the worst part of all? The Marines are entirely aware of it, and they don't. Do. A_ thing. _That's just one of the many reasons why I stand opposed to the Marines, and until serious change is brought about, I will bring it up any chance I fucking get! I don't care how suicidal this is, or how likely I am to be killed, this_ needs _to be heard!…somebody has to say this. Somebody has to speak up. For their sakes."_

" _VIVA LA_ _ **REVOLUTION!"**_

" _Long live change in any form… because whatever comes after, there is no way it could be worse than what we've got now. That's all I have to say for the time being; don't expect another broadcast today, but as of tomorrow, all bets are off. Until the next time I shed light where darkness is prevalent, and reveal darkness where light is presented, this is Jeremiah Cross—"_

"AND _**SOUNDBITE!**_ "

"— _Of the SBS, signing off._ "

The snail fell asleep the next moment, and for a few seconds, nobody spoke.

"…I hereby deem Jeremiah Cross and any males who associate with him exceptions to the country's law. In voice or in person, they are welcome here," Hancock said quietly.

The Princess's sisters gaped at her in shock.

"Sister—" Marigold started, reaching for her sibling… an action she regretted when Hancock flinched at her touch.

"She's gone back…" Sandersonia whimpered fearfully.

Hancock shivered as she bit her lip in an effort to maintain control, to ignore the burning she could _still_ feel, even after so many years, not even caring how many of her subjects saw her in her moment of weakness.

Finally, she cracked her eyes open and looked at Nyon, a veritable hurricane of emotions whirling in her eyes. "Inform me of when next he broadcasts. I would listen to his words myself."

Nyon snorted at the arrogance of the request, but nodded nevertheless. "Take my snail, I'll just come to you. But do your best to get your own tomorrow!"

Hancock gestured for one of her crewmates to pick up the gastropod before wheeling around and marching out of the salon, shadowed closely by her sisters. Everyone else looked after her in confusion until Elder Nyon spoke again.

"Ah, bending the country's law for someone who speaks up for all of those who are oppressed. It's good to see that our Snake Princess has such a beautiful heart to match her appearance."

Silence fell as those around her processed the words, during which she made the prudent decision to cover her ears. Then the room erupted.

"OH, SNAKE PRINCESS!"

"SHE'S SO BENEVOLENT!"

"AS BEAUTIFUL WITHIN AS WITHOUT!"

"I LOVE YOU, SNAKE PRINCESS!"

Nyon surreptitiously took the flask her serpent handed her and started draining it viciously. ' _Urgh, I'm going to need something stronger if I'm going to wash the taste of_ that _bullshit out of my mouth. Now the brat owes me more than ever, and I doubt I'll ever see anything come of it!'_ Nyon thought with a grimace. Her expression then softened into a somewhat fond smile as she stared out a window and into the sky. ' _But speaking of bullshit, at least the World Government has finally been called on its own. To think that one man with a big mouth could have such an effect… Godspeed, Cross. Something tells me you'll need it.'_

 **-o-**

Finally, after several long and rather paranoia-ridden hours of sailing, we came within sight of our next _real_ island destination on the Grand Line: the jaws of the Golden Skull, an island of cynicism, heartbreak and shattered dreams; an island that currently held no less than _three_ enemy factions, with one enemy actually counting for two at once.

We were about to dock at Mock Town, the thoroughly rotted cavity of the isle of Jaya.

I blew out a weary breath as I eyed the madhouse of a town we were sailing up to, scanning the ships around us as we pulled ourselves in. "We've really got no other choice but to dock here?" I asked despondently, despite having posed the same question twice in the last hour.

Sanji sighed out a cloud of smoke. "We haven't mysteriously generated any new vegetables since you last asked, Cross. I know you might not like it, but the fact is that we need to resupply. Though…" He grimaced darkly as he took in the… _unsanitary_ state of the town. "I'll admit that I doubt anything we pick up will be _quality_ material."

I sighed. "Alright, if there's no other choice… pass this on to the rest of the crew: if you see a sick old man beside a sick horse, an arrogant masked wrestler, or a fat, hairy man with missing teeth, steer the hell clear if you want to live."

Sanji gave me a cocky look. "What, you don't think we can take them?"

I returned the look with a flat stare. "They're the crewmates of the sniper who saw me flip him off from several miles away."

 _That_ caused Sanji to stiffen before he gripped his cigarette with renewed seriousness. "Right… fair enough. And for the record, what does that sniper look like?"

I snorted as I turned and started to walk away. "Wouldn't matter if I told you. He'd literally see any of us coming from a mile aw— _ack!"_ I cut myself off as I caught sight of something a ways away. "Ahhh, _sonnuva bitch…"_

"What's wrong _now_ , Cross?" Usopp groaned.

I ground my teeth as I nodded my chin down the dock. "That ship over there. Look at it."

Usopp followed my line of sight and caught sight of the oddly structured ship I was staring at. "Huh… yeah, I guess it does look kind of weird. Does it mean something to you?"

I pointed at the mouth-themed Jolly Roger displayed on the ship's upper sail. "Well, that symbol just represents trouble, annoying but manageable." I then scowled as I lowered my finger to indicate the crossed-out smiley face below the upper symbol. "But _that?_ That represents cruel and unusual certain _death."_

"You can't be serious, Cross; _two_ crews that we can't stand up to on the same island?" Sanji demanded with a snarl.

"Oh, no, you can take those guys, sure," I jerked my head at the ship with a shrug. "They're on a sane level compared to the other guys; heck, you could probably take them all out by yourself without breaking a sweat. No…" I shook my head firmly as I continued to glare at the ship. "It's their patron I'm worried about. Chances are he wouldn't care about us, but…" I finally shrugged my arms with a sigh. "Honestly, I'm just a bit annoyed because we're closer to them than I'd like."

"Would you care to elaborate as to who you're referring to, Mister Jeremiah?"

I raised an eyebrow at Robin. "Really? I'm surprised, Robin, you usually know this stuff." I jerked my thumb at the ship. "I'd especially expect you to recognize the flag of one of the greatest slavers the world's ever known."

Robin took one good look at the ship I was indicating and promptly stiffened. "Ah. Your fears are well-warranted."

"Damn straight."

"Is he that bad, Robin-chwan?" Sanji queried.

"Allow me to put it this way…" the archaeologist sighed despondently. "I've already had one near-death experience with a sadistic Warlord this month. I'm not keen on getting into another."

Sanji and Usopp snapped their gazes back to Bellamy's ship in obvious shock.

" _Shit,"_ Sanji summarized succinctly.

"I don't think I wanna dock here anymore…" Usopp whimpered uncomfortably.

A second later, a blood-curdling scream rang out from the town before devolving into a bloody gurgle. Not so much as a single bystander walking along the dock _blinked._

"Now I _really_ don't want to dock here anymore…" our sniper sobbed miserably.

"Oh, I don't know," Robin chuckled. "Personally, I find chaos-ridden locales to be quite… comforting." And with that, she shrugged and leapt down onto the dock. "Well, I'll be off. I'm afraid that if I continue borrowing from Vivi and Nami's wardrobes, one of them is going to try to murder me in my sleep."

"You _really_ don't need to say that so matter-of-factly!" I called after her as she slid into the crowd with ease.

"Wait, Robin-chwan, you can't go out there alone!" Sanji cried out, putting his foot on the railing to dive in himself.

"Trust me, Sanji, she knows how to take care of herself," I replied as I grabbed him by the leg.

Before the cook could respond, a scream and the sound of snapping bone and cartilage rang out, followed by a ragged-looking muscleman stumbled into view, clutching a hand that seemed to be all broken fingers.

"Oh, yes, she'll be fine," I drawled.

Soundbite whistled in awe. " _And that's_ **the one we** CAN SEE. _**THAT'S JUST**_ _COLD-BLOODED."_

Sanji hesitated before sighing in defeat. "Yeah, alright, fair enough, but I still need to resupply, _so!"_ He leapt down onto the dock. "I'll be seeing you guys later!"

"Wait up!" a voice barked out, followed by a pink-bandanna-d Dugong flipping her way onto the dock next to the cook. "Take me with you," Raphey pleaded desperately. "I'll act as a pack mule if I need to, but if I swear if I stay on this ship with those numbnuts for a second longer, _someone_ is getting their shell cracked!"

Sanji blinked in surprise before shrugging and gesturing forwards. "Very well, then. After you, milady!"

Raphey snorted as she started wriggling her way down the boardwalk. "Believe me, lover boy, I'm a lot of things, but 'lady' is not one of them."

And with that, the duo made their way into town.

Usopp swallowed uncomfortably as he watched them leave. "Alright, so I guess that just leaves Zoro, Luffy, Masira—"

Without warning, Masira's large mass leapt past us and crashed down onto the dock, splintering the planks as he ran into the town. "Ook kee kee! Come on, Luffy! Let me show you around! The place is nuts, but it can also be fun!"

"Shishishi!" Luffy snickered as he shot past us, hot on Masira's tail. "Wait for me, gorilla-guy!"

Usopp swallowed heavily as our captain fell out of sight. "Ah… okay… still… at least Boss is here—"

"Sorry, but that's in- _co-_ rrect, Usopp!" the Dugong in question barked as he flipped onto the Merry's railing. "Sorry to tell you this, but the fact is that my old rope-dart's starting to get on in age, and if I'm going to be fighting in the future, then I'm going to have to go out and _get_ myself a new one, like a _man!"_ He snapped out a salute. "Wish me luck!" And with that, he backflipped into the bay and out of sight.

Usopp gulped heavily again, visibly sweating by this point before slowly turning a nervous smile at me. "At least… you and Zoro—?"

I winced guiltily as I scratched the back of my head. "Yeeeaaah, loooook…"

" _ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!"_

"Sorry, Usopp," Nami said, frowning, coming up beside me. "But we've got things we need to talk about."

"And you can't do that here?!"

Nami opened her mouth, then closed it before looking at me. "Actually, why _can't_ we do it here? We can just go to the storage room, nobody can overhear us there."

I shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not, but I wouldn't put it past her to pull it off somehow, especially after Mr. 3 managed it. Besides, it's easy to eavesdrop when it's silent. If you don't want to be overheard, you should go where too many people are making noise."

"Once again, Cross, I _vehemently_ question your logic," Usopp snarled.

"You'll be _fine_ , Usopp," I sighed, rolling my eyes. "Just pull up the gangplank and shoot anybody who tries to come up. Besides, you've got three dugongs, Chopper and Lassoo to help."

Usopp glanced pointedly behind him, where Lassoo was loudly snoring away, Chopper was deeply engrossed in his chemistry chest, twitching ever so slightly as he worked, and the three dugongs were arguing over… something. Whatever it was, it was very serious if the vehement hand gestures were anything to go by.

…ooor not, judging by the way Mikey had just grabbed Donney in a chokehold and was noogie-ing the hell out of him.

"How _comforting_ ," he spat.

"Hey, don't _I_ count at all?!" Carue squawked indignantly.

" **I DUNNO,** _do you?"_ Soundbite retorted, his eye cocked.

Carue raised his wing and opened his beak… before promptly shutting it. "Good point."

"Hey, are we ready to go?" Vivi asked, coming up onto the foredeck with Zoro.

She was wearing a dark yellow polo shirt with sleeves that reached down to her elbows and blue jean shorts that halted about mid-thigh. Her hair was pulled back in her typical ponytail and she was wearing a small variety of bracelets on her exposed arms.

"Yeah, just about," I nodded in agreement before looking at Usopp. "Hey, did you manage to finish before we got here?"

Usopp grimaced miserably. "If I said no, would you believe me and stay?"

" _ **Eeee-nope."**_

The sniper groaned despondently as he dug through the pockets of his overalls. "Yeah, that's what I was afraid of…" He held out a bundle of cloth with a sigh. "Here. Just _please_ get back here fast, I don't want to be left alone any longer than I need to be!"

"Yeah yeah, I got it," I nodded as I took the cloth and shook it out.

It was the cap Tashigi had given me back in Rainbase, dyed and redesigned in such a manner that I wasn't liable to take a bullet to the brain if any pirates caught me wearing it. The hat's fabric was now black, and the crown was emblazoned with a white cross-bones that was superimposed by a simplistic enough cross moline.

I slipped the hat over my head and looked around, letting everyone get a good look at it. "Well? What do you think?"

Soundbite whistled appreciatively. "SNAZZY, _if a bit_ **gangsta, BUT YOU** _PULL IT OFF!"_

"You think so?" I said as I glanced down at myself. I was wearing an unzipped dark brown hooded vest over a long-sleeved white t-shirt with a bull-skull outlined over the chest. I also had on a pair of black cargo-jeans, the legs of which ended within my greaves.

"Yeah, it's not bad," Nami nodded in agreement. "The headphones and cap go well together."

"Well, alright, then!" I said, clapping my hands together. "Come on, guys, let's head out!"

 **-o-**

The bar we ultimately chose had no patrons from either of the pirate crews that I was determined to avoid. No, this place was fit to be called Thugs-R-Us, even if that wasn't its name; we were just lucky that of the couple of patrons that had tried picking fights with us, none were remotely close to Zoro's weight class. With drinks on the house as a show of respect for his strength and a bribe to keep us from wrecking the place any further (which only Zoro drank immediately), the four of us remained relatively undisturbed in our booth.

I took a moment to glance around before snapping my fingers and indicating the air around me. Soundbite responded immediately, concentrating for a moment before filling the air with static that melded in seamlessly with the roar of the crowd, guaranteeing our privacy.

" **Robin's** _ **clear**_ _on the other_ SIDE _OF THE_ **TOWN** _,"_ he provided. " _ **It's now or never."**_

I raised an eyebrow at the fact that he actually used her name before nodding in acknowledgement and looking at the others. "Alright, this is as good as it's going to get. Go ahead and ask whatever you want."

Vivi promptly slapped her palm on the table and leaned forwards with an accusing glare. "Why her, Cross?" she demanded without preamble. "After all she's done to us, why let her join? Why all but _insist_ on it, for that matter?"

I sighed heavily as I leaned back in my seat, crossing my arms over my chest. "Because she's a good person and she deserves to be on this crew."

"GOOD PERSON?" Vivi snapped. "She's an _assassin!"_

"Vivi's right, Cross," Nami nodded in agreement. "Robin _worked_ with Crocodile, she helped him hurt Alabasta."

"You're making a false assumption there!" I cut in promptly, sticking a finger up. "You're assuming she joined him willingly. That is categorically _not_ true. Crocodile didn't hold a gun to her head, no, but she still had one there anyway."

Zoro narrowed his eyes. "What are you saying, Cross?"

"I'm saying that when Crocodile double-crossed her in the Alabasta catacombs, Robin had a vial of water at the ready," I explained, my voice low and icy. "I'm saying that from the moment she joined Baroque Works, she didn't trust Crocodile for a hot second. Hell, she knew that he was a double-crossing bastard from the start, she knew her life would be in danger if she worked for him, and she _still_ joined Baroque Works. You know what that says?"

"That she's just as much a sadistic bastard as Crocodile is?" Vivi asked with enough venom to put down a Sea King.

I didn't let her tone faze me, instead leaning forwards so that I was staring her dead in the eye. "It means that he was her best option. Her _only_ option." I grit my teeth as I thought back on the scarce scenes of horror I'd been treated to during her flashback. "Can you understand what I'm saying here? Can you _comprehend_ the situation I'm describing, where working for Crocodile, knowing full well that he intends to _kill you_ once he's done with you, is the _only_ option left available to you?"

I took more than a little satisfaction in watching the blood slowly drain from Nami and Vivi's faces as realization swept over them, while Zoro merely tensed up slightly.

I nodded slowly. "I see you're starting to understand. Now, allow me to lay it out for you a bit: Vivi, Robin would _gladly_ trade her own life for yours in a second in spite of your current situation. Why? Simple: while you might not be able to go home right now, and maybe not even ever, there is still the _possibility_ of you being able to return and see your friends and family in the future. The World Government might have taken your home from you, but at least they've left it standing for the time being."

I leaned back in my seat and crossed my arms with a sigh. "Robin doesn't have that luxury. She doesn't have family, she doesn't have anyone waiting, she doesn't even have an _island_ to go back to, much less a home." I blew out a harsh breath as I scratched the back of my head. "And because of that stupid, _stupid_ bounty on her head… well, we're the first friends she'll have had in almost twenty _years._ The first home, the first place she can lay her head down and sleep _without_ fearing for her life. The only reason she ever became an assassin in the first place is that it was the only way she could survive. And she wasn't lying either; when Luffy saved her life, she was at the end of her rope. She'd grown so sick and fallen so deep into despair that she was ready to die in that crypt."

I slowly looked at each of my crewmates, making completely certain they understood what I was saying. "She has hit rock bottom. She came with us out of pure desperation because she has literally nowhere else to turn. If we'd turned her away… I don't even want to imagine. And at the end of the day, the fact is that she is a _good_ person, whom the world as a whole has invariably _shit_ upon, day after day after _day_ without fail." I emphasized the words by jabbing the table with my finger. "She has _more_ than earned her place on our crew, do you understand? She _deserves_ to sail with us. With Luffy, with Sanji, with all of us."

I gave them all pleading looks. "She deserves a _chance_ at what she's never had _._ At _happiness_. Can you give her that chance, please?"

Vivi looked like she was about ready to vomit, Nami's expression was ashen as she looked about ready to agree, and Zoro's expression was unreadable as he stared at me.

"What aren't you telling us, Cross?" he quietly demanded.

I shook my head firmly. "I'm not telling you that which I have no right to tell you. That's as much her story as Kuina and Bellemere are yours." The twitches from the two in question told me I'd hit the mark. "Just know that she'll tell us eventually, and when she does I'll tell her all about where _my_ knowledge comes from. Alright?"

Vivi was silent as my fellow officers nodded before speaking up. "Can we trust her, Cross?"

"Let me put it this way," I said, spreading my hands out. "She won't give us any reason to mistrust her if we do the same thing. And if she does double-cross us, I guarantee you it won't be of her own free will."

The princess was impassively silent for the longest time as she thought and thought, before finally sighing and hanging her head. "I don't like her… I don't know if I can ever forgive her or trust her, but I'll give her a _chance._ " She looked up and pinned me with a glare. "And if anything goes wrong, it'll be as much on your head as it'll be on hers."

I raised my hands in surrender. "Fair enough, fair enough." The current business done, I slid out of our booth and stretched my slightly stiffened limbs a bit, Soundbite cutting out his static as he did so. "Well! I'm going to go out and explore the town a bit. This is gonna be the last bit of peace and quiet we'll see for a while, sadly enough."

Nami slapped a hand to her face with a mutter of 'of course' before standing up as well. "Then in that case, _we're_ going to find Luffy and try and keep him from making too much of a scene. Come on, Zoro."

"Why should I go with you!?"

"Because you owe me so much that I _own_ you."

" **AND YOU'D** _get so lost_ YOU'D _WIND UP_ _ **back in**_ **the East Blue!"** Soundbite chortled eagerly.

"Watch it, slimestain," Zoro growled over our collective laughter as he jabbed a warning finger at the snail in question.

"Hey, Vivi, you want to come with?" I inquired curiously.

Vivi looked contemplative for a moment before shaking her head. "Thanks, but no thanks. I think I'll just go back to the Merry instead, check on Usopp's progress. Besides, I don't want Carue to panic. Have fun, Cross."

"Try not to get shot," Nami concurred.

"I can _not_ promise that!" I shot back over my shoulder as I walked out of the bar and into the street.

 **-o-**

I sighed as I examined the neat bullet hole in my jacket. "I _liked_ this jacket, you assholes," I complained to the pile of groaning, vomiting men in front of me. "Seriously, it's comfortable and easy to wear, it's form-fitting, it looks cool… ergh, and now it's got a freaking _hole_ in it and Nami is _never_ going to let me live this down."

"You… little…" one of the morons started to growl out, pushing himself up on his sword…

THWACK!

Until I snapped my leg forwards and gave his jaw a thoroughly solid crack.

"Honestly now," I shook my head with a sigh. "You are in a _pirate_ town, a rough and tumble lawless place that the Marines wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Why would you think that it was a _smart_ idea to mug the one relatively scrawny guy who _doesn't_ look nervous? It's just so _stupid._ And now, because of your stupidity, my _jacket_ has a _hole!_ It's just, it's just nonsensical!"

" _Eh, I_ **dunno,"** Soundbite shook his head side to side. "I THINK _IT GIVES YOU_ _ **CHARACTER!"**_

"You think so?" I blinked at him in surprise. "Huh, let's see…" I slipped my vest back on and looked it over. "Well, I'll be. You're right, it actually _does_ look kind of good. It appears I might have overreacted a bit! My bad!"

I noticed a bit of motion in the corner of my vision and promptly stomped my heel down on the hand that I'd noticed reaching for a gun.

I rolled my eyes as one of the thugs screamed in pain. "Alright, so not _entirely_ my bad. Now, I'm going to let you go with a warning. As it stands, you're all lucky that Soundbite's primary offensive attack is lethal only, otherwise I doubt any of you would be _walking._ But still, he _is_ capable of reducing you to puking wrecks from a long ways away, so be good, or else I'll rip you all a new one! Bye, now!"

And with that, I turned and continued to walk down the street, whistling a jaunty tune as I went.

So far, my walk through the town had turned out exactly as I'd expected it to, rife with crime, vice, and overall moral corruption. And stupidity. Lots of stupidity. But I couldn't complain; thanks to Soundbite, that bullet hole was the worst that had happened to me, and I hadn't come across Blackbeard, Bellamy, or any of their crewmates that I recognized. And overall, as sickening as a lot of the things I was seeing were, it was kind of entertaining. A fight here, a brawl there… while Mock Town was indeed the 'Detroit' of this world, I couldn't help but admit that at least it had variety.

And honestly, seeing a badass-looking pirate cowering under the stern gazes and loud shouting of a bunch of prostitutes was funny as hell. At least, I'm pretty sure they were prostitutes. But overall? Nothing had gone wrong.

"So," I looked at Soundbite as I rounded a corner. "Any suggestions on where we head to next?"

"HMM…" Soundbite inclined his head contemplatively. " _ **Sounds like**_ **SOMEBODY'S** SINGING _from the BOTTLE_ **a few blocks away.** _ **SNACK AND**_ _a show?"_

"Sounds fun," I nodded in agreement as I looked forwards. "So, whi…ch…" I trailed off listlessly as I stared down the street, only just managing to wrench my gaze forwards and keep my feet in motion. "Oh, God."

Soundbite blinked at me in confusion. " _What—?"_

"Don't look at me," I breathed _sotto voce,_ cold sweat coating my body. "Don't look at anyone, don't look at anything, don't say a word. Unless you want to die or suffer a fate worse than death, then for the next few minutes you are a completely ordinary, slack-eyed Baby Transponder Snail."

Soundbite stiffened slightly on my shoulder, but a glance at him thankfully revealed that he was following my orders, looking as bored and tired as any other member of his kind.

And so, I continued to walk. I walked past pirates, I walked past criminals, I walked past the absolute scum of the earth as though absolutely nothing were wrong, walking like I'd been walking for the last few minutes.

I even continued this walk as I passed by the unmistakable form of Marshall D. Teach, despite the fact that my heart was hammering in my chest and that I could barely even breathe.

The giant, _evil_ man had seemed completely oblivious to me as I passed him, thankfully more enraptured with the bottle of rum he was swilling than in his surroundings, but that did little to abate my terror. I knew, I _knew_ that if I showed any fear, so much as a hint of recognition, then I would be dropped into the darkness before I had a chance to react, and that was _not_ a fate I wanted.

Still, despite my gut-gnawing terror, I managed to make it past the fat bastard without visibly reacting. I mentally counted his pace in my head, keeping track of where he'd be about now without glancing back.

The _second_ I was sure he'd turned a corner, I dove into the nearest alleyway I could find and plastered myself to the wall, gulping down breath after sweet breath. "Sweet donkey-fucking angels of mercy on high, _that was too damn close."_

"WHAT THE HELL _**was that about!?"**_ Soundbite roared in confusion.

I pointed a shaky arm forwards, indicating the direction we'd come from. "T-the big one… the guy ten times bigger than me or anyone else in the street… t-t-that was Marshall D. Teach. _Blackbeard."_

Soundbite's eyes shot wide open in terrified recognition. " _The asshat_ _ **ACE**_ **IS HUNTING!?"**

"The very same. If he'd recognized us, he'd have no doubt _literally_ ripped you open for your fruit.

"T-T-THAT'S _a_ _ **thing**_ _?_ " he squeaked in terror.

I nodded solemnly. "It is with Teach. He did it to Whitebeard, took his powers after he died. His body looked untouched, but… I doubt you'd get that courtesy."

Soundbite swallowed heavily. " _AND YOU DIDN'T_ **tell Ace he** WOULD BE HERE _**WHY!?"**_

I spun my finger in the air. "Collateral damage. We needed this island intact. At least if Ace sticks to the schedule, he'll fight him somewhere relatively clear of civilians. For now, though, we should be fine. My face isn't known and he rarely picks fights without reason, so just as long as we stay anonymous—!"

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

"YEARGH!" I leapt nearly a foot off the ground as a sound pierced the air without warning. Soundbite was even _more_ ticked about it.

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ OH, COME ON! _NOW,_ **OF ALL TIMES?"** Soundbite snarled incredulously.

I was inclined to agree with him, fumbling with the transceiver's mic and wrenching it out of its cradle with almost unseemly haste. "What?!" I hissed desperately.

Soundbite's expression promptly morphed into one of shock and concern. " _Uh, Cross? Are you alright?"_

I twitched as I acknowledged who was speaking before sighing and running a hand down my face. "Sorry about that, Tashigi, I'm a bit on edge, just dodged a meeting with a grade-A threat. What's up?"

Tashigi grimaced. " _Well, first of all, I don't think we ever actually gave you the number of the Transponder Snail we bought for…"_ She sighed. " _MI3. So, let me just give you that first…_ "

I glanced around for something to write with as she rattled off the number without any more warning, and found nothing.

" **I've** _ **got it memorized**_ ," Soundbite said, cutting off my search.

" _OK, good. Now, the main reason I wanted to call. Sengoku was… let's just say_ 'furious' _at that 'in-depth tour' you gave of Impel Down—and one of these days, maybe,_ just _maybe_ , _I'll submit to your terms if it means learning how the hell you know all of that. Anyway, he sent orders to every base in the Grand Line after Alabasta; he's got a task force five battleships and three captains strong hunting for you now."_

"Ugh, should have seen this coming. Alright, where are they heading?"

" _Well, that's the good news,"_ Tashigi beamed proudly. " _Since we were the last ones to see you, we were able to steer the pursuit in the wrong direction to where we knew the Log Pose would send you next. They're heading in the direction of a place called Jaya."_

The air practically froze over as I stared at Soundbite, who himself had adopted a panicked expression.

"I'm sorry, you sent them _where?"_ I asked in a strained tone of voice.

" _We said that we'd learned you had picked up an Eternal Pose for an island called Jaya,"_ Tashigi repeated eagerly. " _It's a complete backwater, doesn't even have a Marine Base nearby. Apparently local patrols avoid it like the plague. They'll be scouring the scum of the streets for weeks and won't find_ anything! _Brilliant, huh?"_ Tashigi maintained her proud smile for a few seconds before blinking in confusion. " _Uh, why are you looking at me like that?"_

In response, I held up the transceiver's mike towards the street, letting it take in a full barrage of the noises of Jaya. Specifically, the fighting, the screaming, the raucous laughing, etc. etc.

By the time I drew the mic _back,_ Tashigi's eyes were wide open. " _You're… on Jaya?"_

"It involves a ship falling from the sky, a crew of salvager sea monkeys, and the _second_ biggest turtle we've ever seen."

" _Oh-God-Commodore-Smoker's-going-to-kill-me-e-eeeee…"_ Tashigi sobbed miserably.

"Pull it together, Tashigi! _How long do we have?!_ "

"… _Twenty-four hours? Maybe less. Sane Marines don't disappoint Sengoku if they want to stay out of G5."_

I mentally ran over the schedule for the day before sighing in relief. "OK, we'll be cutting it close, but I think we'll be able to make it."

" _How!?"_ Tashigi sputtered incredulously. " _From what I read, the log takes four days to reset, and even if you got another Eternal Pose, they'll still be coming at you in a spread-vice formation! If one of them catches sight of you, they'll hound you until you're sunk!"_

I allowed a massive grin to slowly spread over my face. "Then I guess it's a good thing we won't be leaving the island in a traditional manner, isn't it?

Tashigi gaped for a moment more before plastering a studiously neutral look on her face. " _You know what? I'm not even going to ask. I'll just wait for the inevitable SBS broadcast like everyone else."_

"If you say so!" I snickered. "Well, thanks for the update, Tashigi. And good luck on your end!"

I made to hang up…

" _ **WAIT!"**_

"GAH!" " _Holy—!"_

When I was interrupted by Soundbite suddenly hollering.

"Sonnuva—what the hell, Soundbite!?" I demanded in annoyance.

"TASHIGI, _is there any news_ **ON THE BAROQUE** _ **Works**_ _AGENTS?"_ Soundbite pleaded hastily.

Tashigi blinked in confusion through him before the sound of rustling paper passed through the connection. " _Funny you should mention that. There was a mass breakout awhile back from the base we were holding them in. We still have Crocodile, thank God, he didn't even_ try _and escape, but all agents from Mr. Four down managed to make a clean getaway, including Daz Bones' partner. There are some Marines looking for them, but overall they're not high priority. Why do you ask?"_

"Yeah, Soundbite, why?" I questioned in agreement, a hint of dread entering my voice.

Soundbite swallowed heavily. " _ALL_ **agents from** _ **FOUR**_ _down?"_

" _Yesss, all of them. Why? What's this about?"_

Cold sweat started running down Soundbite as he shivered heavily, slowly turning his gaze upwards. " _ **No reason…"**_ he squeaked in terror.

I followed Soundbite's line of sight, and froze with just as much terror.

"Tashigi?" I breathed. "Something's come up. I'm gonna have to call you back."

" _Huh? What are you—? Wait, Cross—!"_

I hung up on her before she could finish without looking. I was too busy staring upwards.

Staring up at the vicious, wrathful glares that were staring right back.

"…Alright, it's pretty obvious _what_ you two are doing here," I began, trying to stay calm. "But I don't understand _why_. Nobody else from Baroque Works is trying to hunt down our crew for what we did, not even Crocodile! Shouldn't you be enjoying some kind of quiet retirement right now?"

"Hmph," Mr. 13 snorted as he tilted the akubra he was wearing back with the combat knife he was clutching, his voice an icy tenor that oozed with hatred. "We considered that when we broke out. And honestly, we might go for it one day, but after those 'visits'? No, we can't do that yet."

"We'll be glad to settle down and put Baroque Works behind us," Miss Friday concurred, still with the demonic voice Soundbite gave her before. An evil glint traversed the visor of her fighter pilot helmet. " _After_ _I've picked every last bit of flesh from your skeleton, and crushed that pest of a snail into paste._ "

"… _fuck._ "

 **Patient AN: Sorry, everyone, but we're leaving you on another cliffhanger. We promise not to do it next chapter, however… I think.**

 **Xomniac AN: Speak for yourself. XD**

 **Hornet AN: WE FEAST UPON YOUR TEARS.**


	28. Chapter 27 - Jaya Pt 2

**Chapter 27**

The Unluckies didn't give me any time to say more than that before Miss Friday spread her wings and dove towards me. Faced with the two murderous animals again, I did the only sensible thing I could.

I turned tail and ran into the street, shoving my way through the crowd.

What? Those guys were _scary!_ More importantly, I didn't have the whole crew haring off to fight other people this time, so I could actually call some backup.

Of course, I picked then to remember that I _couldn't_ call for help because the town was lousy with Blackbeard's crewmates and if I got pegged on account of them rampaging to my rescue, then both Soundbite and I would be _biting it,_ big time! Because let's face it, my crewmates were many things, but subtle was not one of them. Well, Robin was, and maybe Vivi, but I couldn't guarantee that Robin wouldn't actually choose to _help_ the Unluckies at this point, while Vivi wasn't anywhere near capable of fighting these things head-to-head.

No, quite unfortunately, I was once again on my own.

Well… as 'on my own' as I ever got these days, anyways.

"Think you can Gastro-Phony them?" I hissed desperately at Soundbite.

The snail in question concentrated for a moment before shaking his head. "NO JOY! _**Must have**_ _stuffed their_ **EARS** _ **WITH WAX!"**_

"Tsk! Smart jackasses!" I cursed vividly. Damn it damn it _damn it!_ This was _not_ how I'd wanted to spend my shore leave, running from vengeful assassins and dodging a hail of fucking bull—!

…wait… Where were the bullets? I was expecting an earth-shattering kab—er, hail of bullets!

I started to turn my head around, but abandoned the notion when I nearly collided head-first with somebody. "Soundbite, can you see what they're packing?!"

" _Uh…"_ Soundbite twisted his eyestalks around, eyes narrowed. "TWO COMBAT _**knives**_ _on_ 13, **armor on** _FRIDAY'S_ _ **TALONS!**_ **NO GUNS** _or shells,_ **though!"**

I made a tight turn around a corner, nearly slipping onto my ass and thanking my lucky stars for the traction the treads of my greaves afforded me. "Makes sense, their weapons would have been confis- _CATED!"_ I yelped as I jumped over a tub of lard who'd decided it'd be a _great_ idea to sleep off his hangover in the street. "When they were arrested and Vivi told her father about all the weapons caches she had knowledge of, PLUS—!"

I cursed under my breath and barely managed to duck down to under half my height. What kind of a moron actually carried a ladder like that!? "Whatever they managed to pump out of the captured agents! They must be stuck with what they can salvage!"

"YEAH, WELL—! _**DODGE!"**_

I immediately complied, throwing myself to the right and tumbling into an alleyway. I had a brief reprieve as I scrambled back to my feet, during which I managed to catch sight of Friday trying to wrench her metal-encased talons from the woodwork she'd _literally_ buried them in. I managed to get running again _just_ as she tore her claws out of the wood in a flurry of broken splinters.

" _ **THIS DOES NOT COMFORT ME!"**_

"And you think _I_ feel any better!?" I spat, pumping my legs even faster as I ran out into the next street over and started dashing down it. Thankfully, the crowd parted before me and let me through without too much commotion. Apparently, they were _used_ to having people get chased through the streets by thoroughly vicious assassins. They just didn't care enough to actually _help!_

Seriously, I saw nearly _ten_ different guns hanging from the belts of people who clearly saw me! It would take all of ten seconds for them to draw and fire! It was just that nobody could be fucking _bothered_ to—I nearly facepalmed. God _damn it,_ why did I always have to be so oblivious.

Catching sight of a particularly ornate handle hanging out of someone's belt, I put on a burst of speed and yanked the pistol from its holster, using my left hand to snap the hammer back while I found by grip and the trigger with my right. This all happened in the scant second it took for me to spin around and point the barrel at the pursuing pests. Friday flared her wings in panic in an effort to pull up, but by that point they were already too close for me to miss.

"Smile you ugly—!" I grit out as I pulled the trigger—

 _CLICK!_

—and stared at the pistol in horror as its hammer clicked without any effect.

Thankfully, by this point Friday had swung up into a wide loop, giving me the briefest of pauses.

A pause which was filled by a fist rapping over my head, subsequently grabbing my collar, and wrenching me face-to-snarling-face with the guy I'd yanked the gun from. "You hooligan! Who the hell steals another man's pistol!?"

I blinked in surprise for a moment before scowling right back. "Who doesn't load their fucking pistol in a pirate town!?" Before the guy could respond, I flipped the pistol in my hand and cracked its butt over his head, forcing him to let me go. I got running just as Friday and 13 came back around for another pass.

"You think they'll risk that happening twice?" I asked Soundbite.

"I THINK _they'll risk_ **dodging TOWARDS YOU INSTEAD** _OF AWAY!"_ Soundbite absently responded.

I glanced at the snail in confusion. "What is it?"

The Baby Transponder Snail ground his teeth as he stared off into space. " **I** _think I_ _ **MIGHT HAVE**_ **an idea.** GET TO _THE NEXT STREET_ _ **over, THAT WAY!"**_ Soundbite answered, jerking his eyestalks to the right.

I hesitated for a brief moment before complying, swinging into the closest opening in the buildings. "Got it!" I put on as much speed as I could, and promptly killed that speed just as quickly when I came face-to-face with a wooden fence that was blocking my way forward.

It took every bit of control I had to not growl at Soundbite; at this point, I _really_ hoped that he had a plan.

"DON'T GET _PISSY AT_ **me!"** Soundbite spat venomously as he read my expression. " _I SAID street,_ _ **you ran INTO A**_ **BLIND ALLEY!"**

I winced in admonishment. I mean, he wasn't _wrong._ Still, hopefully there'd be enough time for me to backtrack and—

FWUMP!

…well, that was just _brilliant,_ wasn't it?

I grit my teeth in a wordless growl before plastering a tight grin on my face and turning around, making sure to keep my right hand behind my back all the while, while my left jerked my headphones over my ears. "Don't suppose you'd let me make another runner so that you can continue the hunt and cut me down running?" I asked, injecting a hint of hope into my voice.

It seemed that they had used up their quota of speech for the day, as the only reply they gave was for Friday to lower her center of mass while 13 flipped his combat knives so that the blades were pointed at unnaturally straight angles.

I jerked my head in acknowledgement, my smile growing ever tighter as I slowly gripped the object I was looking for with my hidden hand. "Didn't think so… by the way, just so you know, Soundbite and I have taken to naming our attacks." My grin perked up into a predatory gleam. "Here's one we just came up with today!" I whipped my hand out before the Unluckies could react. "GASTRO-FLASH!"

God bless Usopp for his sheer ingenuity, because only he could have come up with something as brilliant as this. A wind-up woodpecker doll he came up with in his spare time? On its own, a rather simplistic device for distractions and occasionally pounding in nails when he was in a hurry. The mechanism for repeated hammering, though, combined with and attached to the back of the Flash Dial that Boss found on the St. Briss, managed to enhance the already potent light of the Dial into a constant strobe light.

Throw in the ear-splitting siren Soundbite was belting out and I'd just managed to hit the Unluckies with a flashbang at almost point-blank range. And from the way they reeled and clutched their heads in agony, it was clear that neither the polarized sunglasses they wore nor the wax stuffed in their ears was enough to stop the assault on their senses.

Acting fast, I leapt forwards and stomped my boot down on Friday's helmet, smashing her jaw against the planks beneath us. I balanced on her head as I swung my _other_ leg forwards, punting 13 off of the buzzard's back.

Before I could do anything else, Friday shifted and lurched beneath me, putting all her neck muscles into trying to fling me off. I panicked for a brief moment, before getting a _stupid_ crazy idea. I knelt down ever so slightly and then pushed upwards and backwards _just_ as Friday surged up herself. The combined motion managed to fling me high enough into the air to send me sailing over the lip of the fence and clear to the other side of the alley.

I landed with a crash and a burst of air, wincing as I got up, before scowling viciously at Soundbite when I managed to make sense of the digital music echoing through the air. "Super Mario Bros, _really?!"_

"YOU'RE THE ONE **WHO JUST DID** _a Goomba stomp,"_ Soundbite pointed out with a snicker. " _ **NOW,**_ _RUN FORREST RUN!"_

"Do I _look_ like a national icon to you!?" I growled out as I struggled to my feet and dashed into the street, just as a squawk of fury pierced the air. "Damn it, they get up fast. You were saying something about a plan!?"

Soundbite's eyes were unsynced as they swivelled back and forth, looking up and down the street. " _Not yet,_ _ **not yet!**_ **I NEED** _LINE OF SIGHT_ FIRST!"

 _SMASH!_

" _SHIT!"_ I cursed, ducking my head in panic in order to avoid the hail of glass from the Unluckies _smashing clear through a window!_ Son of a bitch, had they blitzed through the whole building!? "HOW'S _THAT_ FOR LINE OF SIGHT!?"

" _ **COULD I GET**_ **a close-** _up?"_

" _SOUNDBITE!"_

" **RIGHT!"** Soundbite clenched his teeth, his telltale whine singing through the air. " _Get ready… DUCK!"_

I snapped my head down—

 _WHIZZ!_

Just as I felt the wind of a _bullet_ passing through the air above my head. Glancing back confirmed that the Unluckies had unfortunately managed to dodge the shot as well, but if the way Friday was glaring bloody murder at a direction slightly _above me,_ the shot had apparently diverted their ire for a moment.

I followed the vulture's line of sight and confirmed that she was staring at the top of one of Mock Town's towers. More specifically, she was glaring at the silhouette perched on… the…

"Did you just taunt _Van Auger_ into shooting these two?!" I hissed in shock.

"NO CLUE **about this '** _Van Auger'_ **DUDE** _, BUT I_ **did SPOOK THE** _ **good Samaritan SNIPING**_ _feather-RATS!"_

Regardless of Soundbite's slurs, his ploy apparently managed to _work!…_ halfway, anyways. The good news was that Friday pumped her wings and soared up higher as she swerved towards the tower, habitually jerking and jolting around in the air as she ducked and weaved around the ammunition apparently being blasted at her. No surprise there, these two no doubt had plenty of experience dealing with sniper fire.

The bad news, on the other hand, was that just as she veered off, 13 leapt off of her and continued the chase himself. His legs might have been short, but the furry bastard definitely had the energy to goddamn _compensate!_

"Well, _that_ didn't work!"

" _WE'VE GOT_ **half as many** _ **ASSASSINS**_ _to deal with. What_ DO YOU MEAN IT _**didn't work?**_ " Soundbite grumbled.

"It _half_ -worked, so it only _half_ counts!" I snapped back, grunting as I vaulted over a table at a cafe in an effort to shake the treacherous otter. Unfortunately, that ploy backfired when the rat used the table as a springboard to get the height needed to almost slice my head off. Almost. As it was, I still came away with a thin cut on my neck.

" _ **Why does**_ THIS SOUND **familiar?"** Soundbite muttered viciously.

"Not so fun from the other side, _is it!?"_ I shot back with a grim grin.

" _IS NOW_ _ **THE TIME!?"**_ Soundbite roared incredulously.

"Ah—GYERK!" I flinched as a butter knife swished over my shoulder. "Guess not! Any other bright ideas for dealing with this bastard!?"

" **NEGATIVE!** _Sniper-boy is_ FOCUSED ON **Friday,** _ **and even if**_ _I could make_ **HIM go after** THE WATER _RAT,_ _ **chances**_ ARE _HE'D SMELL_ _ **A DIFFERENT ONE!"**_

"Damn it damn it damn it— _GYAGH!"_ I cut off my cursing with a yelp when my foot suddenly hit an uneven plank and sent me tumbling. I had just enough time and sense of mind to flip onto my back and snap my armored forearms into an X, barely managing to catch the flurry of slashes the overgrown rodent tried to put into my face. The moment I got a reprieve, I shoved my arms outwards in order to knock the otter away and give me some room.

The second I got the opening, I curled my legs up against my chest and lashed them out, catching 13 in the chest and launching him off of me in a picture-perfect mule-kick.

I hastily clambered my way back to my feet, trying to keep my eye on the rodent. By the time we'd managed to both get back to our feet, I made a most… unfortunate discovery. The onlookers had _finally_ taken notice of my dilemma, just… not in a way that helped me in the _least._

" _Shit…"_ I hissed, digging for my baton and Flash Dial.

" **DA FUQ** _ **you thinking!?"**_ Soundbite demanded incredulously.

"I'm thinking I don't have a goddamn _choice_ is what I'm thinking…" I groused as I tried to get myself into as ready a stance as I could manage. "Look around."

Soundbite promptly did so and blinked in confusion as he noticed the ring of people surrounding me and 13. "UHHH, _what are_ **they doing?"**

I ground my teeth as I slowly started to shuffle to the left without ever looking away from my furry opponent, an action he matched at the same pace. "Penning us in. I've seen several bills exchange hands, which means they're betting on us, which means _they won't let me run."_ I swallowed heavily as I took in the evil leer 13 was sending my way. "And he's certainly not opposed to the idea either."

Soundbite looked nervously at the ring of pirates and other assorted scum around us. " _Please tell me_ **you have A PLAN."**

I opened my mouth to say that no, I didn't have one besides beat up 13 again—and then something came to me. A distraction; but not just any distraction, a very _special_ distraction. A distraction I'd seen time and time again capable of stealing all focus from one subject and wrenching it to another. I'd never actually initiated it before myself, but if I could do so, it would be so huge that we could slip away easily. The only question was if I could replicate it…

Well, couldn't hurt to try.

"Hey, guys!" I called out, not taking my eyes off of 13. "I have a question for all of you. Do you even know _why_ we're fighting in the first place?"

I sweated nervously as 13 cocked an eyebrow, obviously curious about what I was getting at. Someone _had_ to take the bait, or else—!

" _The hell was it about, huh?"_ Soundbite barked from several feet away without moving his lips.

I took a moment to thank my lucky stars for Soundbite having faith in me before jabbing an accusatory finger at 13. "We were having an argument over who the strongest of the Four Emperors was, and _this_ Philistine had the gall to say _Kaidou!"_

13 glanced around in confusion as the pirates and scumbags around us started muttering amongst themselves, before shrugging it off in favor of scowling at me. He leapt across the clearing, ready to tear into me—

"HEY!"

When he was suddenly snatched clean out of the air by a massive hand that encircled his body.

"You dare imply that the great Whitebeard could be weaker than that mangy _beast!?_ " a dark-haired man with an impressive fu manchu mustache literally spat, his phlegm decorating the otter's sunglasses. "I hope you're ready to meet your _maker!"_

I slowly started to inch back into the crowd as 13 struggled in the pirate's grip before freezing as one of the onlooking bar wenches spoke up.

"Tchah! Typical of the patriarchy, picking the old father figure!" she whined in a high and nasally voice. "It's Big Mom, obviously, 'cause she's a woman, and everyone knows women are stronger than men!"

"What'd you say, you dime-store whore?!" one of the pirates angrily barked, shoving his way towards her.

"Hey, I ain't no cheap girl! I charge quarters, at least!"

"Women are stronger than men, huh? Come over and prove it!"

 _POW!_

"Augh, my face!"

" _Uh-oh…"_ Soundbite whined uncomfortably.

"Oh, boy…" I swallowed in agreement.

"Kaido can't die! I've seen it!"

"Man, Whitebeard's fucking seventy! And Big Mom and Kaido ain't far behind neither for that matter! It's gotta be Shanks, he's not even forty!"

"He's got no Devil Fruit!"

"Yes, he does!"

"No, he doesn't!"

"Yes, he does, and by God, you're gonna accept that if I have to beat it into you!"

"Bring it, ya wuss!"

 _CRACK!_

"Augh, my spine!"

"No! Billy! _You bastards!"_

"Time to go, I think," I muttered as the argument descended into an all out brawl, and then promptly ducked as a freaking _table_ sailed over my head. "Yes, definitely time to go!"

I turned tail and bolted down onto a street perpendicular to the one we'd been on, putting as much distance between me and the swiftly-growing brawl as I could manage. I put on an _especially_ impressive burst of speed when a cry of "WIIIHAHAHA!" and a humongous shadow flew above me along the rooftops.

I'd managed to put in a considerable amount of distance between me and my pursuer when Soundbite groaned in frustration. " _HE GOT_ _ **OUT!"**_

"What!?" I sputtered in shock. "The guy who grabbed him was five times his size!"

" _Six,_ AND HE CAN'T **play rock-** _paper-_ _ **scissors ANYMORE!"**_ Soundbite shot back in a panicked tone. " _Now run_ **FASTER!"**

I groaned miserably as I tried to comply, and promptly winced as a bolt of pain shot through my legs. "That's gonna be a problem, because I'm reaching the end of my rope here!"

I might have gotten stronger through training, but I was still freaking _mortal,_ which was something that the otter following me was most certainly _not!_

Soundbite glanced back over my shoulder nervously. "THEN WE _need to_ **lose him, FAST!"**

"Easier said than done! As this bastard has demonstrated time and time and time again, he's an _assassin!"_ I groaned in a dejected tone. "And on the Grand Line, that means a hell of a lot more than it normally means! We won't shake him easily!"

" _WE DID it_ **in** _**LITTLE GARDEN!"**_

"Yeah, and all we had to do was sic a pack of the most vicious dinosaurs in existence on him to do it!" I wheezed. "If we want to somebody to get him off our backs, then it can't be some run-of-the-mill thug!"

" _We're in_ **a fucking PIRATE TOWN!** _ **Throw a BRICK**_ _AND FIND SOMEONE_ EXTRAORDINARY!"

I winced as I conceded the point and started scanning the street for somebody, _anybody_ who could possibly do the job. "Come on come on come on…" I muttered to myself on repeat. "Somebody extraordinary, somebody above the norm, somebody who's a goddamn mon—!"

My words died in my throat as I caught sight of a bar down the street with a _very_ familiar window design and an _idea_ blossomed in my brain.

Apparently, Soundbite was able to read what I was thinking on my face if the nervous expression he was wearing was anything to go by. " _You have_ **a STUPID** _ **plan,**_ _DON'T YOU?"_

"Suicidal is more like it!" I corrected grimly. "Care to share any ideas of your own?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA _**NO."**_

"Then hang on to your shell." And with that, I sprinted up to the bar as fast as I could manage.

I shoved the saloon-style doors open, took a moment to stand there and gather my breath, and once I confirmed that all eyes were on me and that my intended target was indeed sitting at the bar…

"Excuse me, is it true that Doflamingo's spring-heeled _dickweasel_ can be found here, or is this the wrong bar?"

I said what had to be the _stupidest_ thing you could possibly say to Bellamy the Hyena's face.

The second, the exact _second_ the last word left my mouth, I fell _flat_ on my face, pressing myself into the woodwork at the _exact_ same time as a pink-shirted ballistic missile tore through the space my torso had occupied moments earlier… just in time to ram into an entirely _different_ biological projectile that had been aimed at me, this one substantially smaller and covered in fur, and slam them _both_ through the wall of the building on the opposite side of the street. Moments later, the sound of a _very_ intense brawl broke out from the site of the impact.

Unwilling to let either of my aggressors rally and get the drop on me, I jumped to my feet and ran over to the bar. I slapped my palm on the countertop, causing the shell-shocked bartender to flinch. "Hello, can I get some service please?"

The barkeep eyed me warily, no doubt fearing for his life via association with me. And in all fairness, it's not like he was _wrong._ "Uh, s-sure, what do you—?" The barkeep's words died as he stiffened in terror, staring at something over my—!

 _SLAM!_

I jerked to the side seconds before Sarquiss' over-sized kukri cleaved into the part of the bar I'd been standing at, the blade's owner glaring bloody murder at me. "You're _dead,_ you little—!"

Rather than letting him finish his threat, I instead swiped Soundbite off my shoulder by his shell and slapped him against the flat of the knife. "GASTRO-BLAST!"

" _Bada BING_ **BADA** _ **BOOM!"**_

The middle of the blade _exploded_ in a hail of metal fragments, leaving Sarquiss holding little more than a broken hilt. All the pirate could do was stare at the remains of his eponymous weapon for a moment… before I pulled out a _very_ lucky find from the St. Briss with my other hand and stuck it in his face.

" _Impact,_ jackass," I snarled, flexing my palm definitively.

Thinking about what Usopp and Nami described the blowback from the Dial to be like, I came close to thanking Zoro for the training when I found that the pain from the sudden force that slammed into my palm and crushed into my radius and ulna was just enough to make me wince. Sarquiss had no such luxury, promptly getting blown head over heels into a nearby table by the force of Usopp going to town on the Impact Dial with a hammer, where he lay groaning in agony.

I sniffed contemptuously as I re-pocketed the Dial and placed Soundbite back on my shoulder, straightening out my jacket in a haughty fashion. "Some people just have no manners…" I muttered before turning back to the bartender, who was shell-shocked anew. "Now where was I… ah, yes! Sir? Sir?" I snapped my fingers before the poor guy's face. "Sir, if I could get some service please?"

"Ah!" The man jerked back to the land of the living with a shudder, eyeing me fearfully for an entirely different reason. "Y-yes, h-h-how may I h-help you?"

"Ah, well, let's see…" I dug through my pockets for a bit before grinning in satisfaction. "Ah, here we are!" I pulled out the half-dozen hundred-beri notes Nami had given me for shore leave and slapped them on the bar. "A bottle of your finest Cola and usage of your bolt hole, and I _know_ that you have a bolt holt because this is a _pirate town,_ _of course_ you have a bolt hole!"

The barkeep hesitantly pocketed the money and eyed me warily before rooting out a bottle of Cola and tossing it to me. He then leaned down and worked open a hatch in the floorboards, exposing a hole with a ladder in it.

Soundbite whistled appreciatively. " **NOW THAT'S** _what I call SERVICE!"_

"Indeed!" I nodded in agreement as I vaulted over the bar. I took the time to turn around and address the still-frozen bar patrons with a grin and a salute. "Well, I'm blowing this popsicle stand! Later!"

" _ **ADIOS, AMIGOS!"**_

And with that, I slid down the ladder and into freedom.

I'd done it! I'd actually done it, and on my own, to boot! I was free, home free! Nothing could stop me now!

 **-o-**

"Cross…"

Correction: _almost_ nothing.

"Yeah, Vivi?" I asked innocently, despite the vein throbbing on her forehead.

"Is this going to be a 'thing' with you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I whistled, wincing at the fact that I no doubt looked _exactly_ like Luffy whenever he was lying.

"Alright, then in that case, could you explain to me…" she started in a far too calm voice, before grabbing my collar and jabbing a finger inland. " _Why in the name of all that is holy the town is on fire?!"_

Indeed, a large chunk of Mock Town was now ablaze, a product of both the all-out riot my distracting question had started and the questionable wooden construction of most of the town's buildings. Considering how heated versus debates got back home on the Internet, I had expected the outcome to be violent; in retrospect, seeing how we were in a town whose sole reason for existing was to get pirates drunk, I should have seen this coming.

"In my defense, I didn't expect the opinions on the answer of a simple, slightly divisive question to get this heated," I answered, hastily throwing in a "Pun not intended!" at the look on Vivi's face.

"You said you were just going for a _walk!"_ Vivi snarled indignantly.

" _It was_ **A VERY** _ **enthusiastic**_ WALK!"

I grinned at Soundbite. "I was _just_ about to make that reference, good ca—ERK!" I choked off as I noticed the frigid glare Vivi was pinning me with. "I-I mean, I'm very sorry and please forgive the sheer reckless of my actions?" I shrank in on myself when the glare refused to abate. "C-cut me some slack here! How was I supposed to expect the Unluckies to attack me again?!"

"Really? Miss Merry Christmas outright said that Baroque Works was going to make a jailbreak; even if you didn't see it in the story, how could you not see it coming?"

"I did see it coming, but in the story, everyone who escaped retired! Doublefinger's living out her dream of owning her own café, the rest of the Officer Agents joined as employees, and the last I saw of the Unluckies, they were trading sketches of Agents for food! The general theory back home was that they joined the Marines as sketch artists or something; besides Robin, I didn't expect us to have to deal with anyone from Baroque Works again unless—" I frowned heavily, then shook my head, _refusing_ to consider that possibility. "No, I didn't expect us to have to deal with any of them again."

"Unless _what_ , Cross?" Vivi asked with a frown.

I gritted my teeth and shook my head, doing my best to dispel the memories of poison and demons. "I—nothing, nothing. Totally unrelated at the moment, and with any luck it won't ever become pertinent."

Vivi's tone was dry. "Something else you're trying to prevent that will inevitably go wrong anyway?"

And _that_ was too much; as the outcome I feared most slammed into my mind's eye with all the force of one of Garp's punches, I snapped, pinning Vivi with a glare that promptly dispelled any exasperation she had, fear taking its place.

"Anything else, Vivi," I said, my voice cold. " _Anything else_ , I'd let you joke about. But not our captain going through six different levels of hell, alone, knocking on death's door at _least_ five times, and having his brother die in his arms as a result of the _exact_ shitshow that I described in my last broadcast. No honor, no glory, no _good,_ just sheer death and stupidity, enough of it to affect events two years later with no sign of stopping." I blew out a heavy sigh as I released her and scratched beneath my cap, rerunning the future through my head a few times as I refreshed my memory on what was to come. "So, do me a favor, and don't even _joke_ that despite my efforts to change things, all of that's still going to happen; I felt bad enough after the rebellion in Alabasta, how do you think I'm going to feel if I find out that I didn't stop the War of the Best?"

Vivi and Soundbite stared at me in abject shock, obviously trying to reconcile my tirade with, well… _me._

" _Holy shit, dude…"_ Soundbite breathed.

"Cross…" Vivi started slowly. "I-I'm so sorry, I never—!"

I cut her off with a raised hand and a tired sigh, my other hand coming up to pinch the bridge of my nose. "No, it's—it's fine. You didn't deserve that, that was on me. I… think I might be coming off of my adrenaline high is all, still a bit… a bit up there, you know? Sorry about all that."

Vivi chewed her cheek uncomfortably as she considered her next words. "Cross, you… never said anything about this before."

I shrugged, a bittersweet smile on my face. "You touched on a sensitive topic that I've been worrying about for a while. That's it. Normally, I can hide it better because, well…" My grin became much more honest. "We're part of the freaking Straw Hat Pirates. You've got to admit, it's… kind of hard to be in a bad mood around our crew, no?"

Vivi's worry promptly vanished as she smiled fondly at her memories. "Yeah… yeah, it really is."

I returned her smile and gave her shoulder a comforting pat. "There you go. Now, come on, let's go ahead and get back to the Merry before Carue starts panicking, or worse, Sanji gets back. If he gets back and finds that you and Nami aren't there, he'll try and send out the hounds, and I doubt that Lassoo will be willing to comply."

" _ **HA!"**_ Soundbite barked as I started walking along the boardwalk, and Vivi chuckled as well as she followed me.

For a mercy, the walk back was fully uneventful besides the typical din and carnage that Mock Town was known for spilling out once or twice into the outskirts. When we reached the Merry, however, a very unexpected sight greeted us. Unexpected enough that it took about a minute after arriving for me to form words.

"Vivi…" I started slowly, not even remotely able to believe my eyes. "Can you see any head wounds on me? Any lumps or obvious gashes or…?"

"No…" Vivi breathed in the same incredulous tone.

"Ah…" I nodded slowly. "So… I am _not_ hallucinating the small mob of K.O.'d thugs and pirates surrounding our ship?"

" _I think_ IT'S MORE LIKELY THAT **we're** _ **ALL**_ **HALLUCINATING,** " Soundbite chimed in, equally incredulous. " _This place IS_ _ **rotting, there**_ **COULD BE** _FUMES."_

"LIKE HELL THIS IS A HALLUCINATION!"

Our attention was snapped up to the Merry's crow's nest, where Usopp had popped up and was trying to incinerate me with the force of his glare.

"Usopp?!" I sputtered in confusion. "Did-did _you_ do this!?"

"OF COURSE I DID!" our sniper yelled, flailing his arms furiously. " _YOU'RE_ THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO SHOOT ANYONE WHO TRIED TO COME UP! WHAT, DID YOU NOT HAVE FAITH IN ME TO ACTUALLY DO IT?!"

"Well, it's not like ya did it all by yerself."

Vivi and I turned to see Lassoo in his hybrid form dragging a very big and very unconscious thug out of an alleyway by his ankle, said thug being covered in bite marks and his jaws set in a _massively_ satisfied grin. "Hey, Cross, Vivi, Soundbite! Nice day, huh? I know that I've been having a good one! Nothing like a good old-fashioned brawl to make you feel alive!"

"YOU DIDN'T DO ANY MORE THAN I DID, MUTT!"

"LIKE HELL I DIDN'T, LONG-NOSE!" Lassoo barked back at Usopp with equal venom.

Turning back to the mob, I took the chance to notice that Usopp wasn't, strictly speaking, wrong. Some of them, maybe a third of them, were sporting either bite marks or injuries consistent with explosions. Another third seemed almost unmarked but for a few well-placed welts focused at critical points on their bodies. The final third…

"Well, Usopp, I guess next time you won't complain about just having Mikey, Donny, Leo, and Lassoo if _this_ is any indication of what you're all capable of," I managed, taking in the very distinct bruises and shallow lacerations that decorated a number of the aggressors.

"What were these people even trying to _do_ here, anyway?!" Vivi practically shrieked, obviously still shellshocked by the sheer number of unconscious thugs and criminals surrounding us.

Usopp maintained his glaring contest with Lassoo for a moment longer before snorting and folding his arms. "They were trying to get onboard the Merry. No clue why, but that was all I needed to see."

Lassoo huffed in turn, turning an evil eye on the thugs scattered around us. "I know why they're here: you don't need an issued poster to hold a bounty. Chances are that they saw the emblem on the sails and wanted to catch whoever they could in order to drag them to the nearest Marine base and sell them for as much as they could get."

" _Ulp…"_ Soundbite and I swallowed in sync, my hand rubbing unconsciously at my throat. I then shook my head to try and dispel the gruesome thoughts. "S-Still, Usopp, this is pretty damn impressive. Have you been practicing?"

Usopp blinked in surprise before sagging in exhaustion. "Well, of _course_ I've been practicing! Slacking off when there are only three monsters is reasonable enough, but doing it when there are _four_ and the fourth's students just makes you feel pathetic!" He then promptly perked up visibly, shoving his thumb at himself with a grin. "Looks like it was a good idea! None of them were a match for the Great Sniper Usopp! Hahahaha—!"

"Hey, Usopp?" Vivi called up hesitantly. "Where are the Teenage… uh…?"

" _TEENAGE DUGONG WARRIOR SQUAD!"_ Soundbite eagerly provided.

"Right, them. Well, where are the ones who stayed behind?"

Usopp hesitated before shooting an uneasy glance down at the waters of the harbor. "Ah… I saw them a few minutes ago. They went into the water to deal with a… _stronger_ variety of thugs."

I felt a bad feeling settle into the pit of my stomach as I eyed the deceptively calm waters. "When you say stronger…"

My unasked question was answered by the planks of the boardwalk before me erupting outwards in order to let a very battered and _very_ tooth-filled head to come into sight, groaning and lolling about in agony.

I blinked in shock before slowly kneeling down and examining the head of what _had_ to be a piranha fishman. "Ah, _that_ kind of stronger…" I nodded absently.

It wasn't my fault that I was so distracted, really. After all, this was the first time in my life that I'd ever met a fully non-human being! Dorry and Brogy didn't count because they were pretty much super-sized humans, and Chopper's Devil Fruit explicitly had the word 'Human' in it! But this… this was something else.

Once anew, Oda's prodigious artwork had failed to do reality justice. Up close, I could see even more distinct differences between fishmen and humans than I'd thought were present: sure, their skin _looked_ like it was merely oddly colored, but the truth was that they didn't actually have skin at all. Fishmen had _scales_ covering their bodies instead of an epidermis, which gave their bodies _extremely_ alien-looking rippling effects when they moved. Their skeletal structure was off, too; humanoid, but the cheekbones, collarbone, nasal passage… it was _just_ a bit warped, favoring them more towards fish.

Now, while absolutely _nothing_ could excuse the monstrous treatment favored upon fishmen at Sabaody, I couldn't honestly say that I didn't see where it originated from. So close to human but far enough to cause discomfort, wariness… Uncanny Valley, in its purest, most undiluted form. Honestly, even _I_ felt a bit uncomfortable looking at the senseless being before me. It was fast-receding as I familiarized myself with the differences, remembered the fact that they _did_ have a society, but if I hadn't had the knowledge I did, if someone had taken that discomfort and not taken the time to temper it… well. I'd seen the effects, and I did not want to think about it any more than I had to.

Shaking my head, I turned my attention to the coalescing bubbles on the water's surface a foot or two from the edge of the dock. Without warning, the surface of the water erupted, spitting a flailing, long-limbed fishman into the air. If the guy's long, tooth-filled snout was anything to go by, _this_ one was a barracuda. I had just enough time to process that before two of the Dugongs—Donny and Mikey, judging from the weapons and bandannas—leapt out of the water with just as much speed, rising to the fishman's altitude before slamming their weapons against his skull, sending him crashing into the boardwalk. The two landed as if they were cats rather than turtle-seals, staring at the fishman for a few seconds before relaxing as they saw that he wasn't likely to get up anytime soon.

"Boss was right," Donny said with a tired but satisfied grin. "If this is any indication of what our fights will be like from now on, we'll be twice as strong as we were when we left Alabasta within a couple of months, _easy_."

"Let's just hope that Boss is satisfied with that," Mikey groaned, albeit with a matching expression. "I wouldn't put it past him to try doubling our training regimen just so we can keep up with him and Sanji."

"Hey, better him than Zoro, that jackass is _sadistic,_ " I pointed out, drawing their attention to me. "By the way, where's Leo?"

The answer came a moment later, the hard way, as a _third_ fishman blasted out of the water. This one was a mako shark: smaller in stature than the other two, but the fact that he was holding a struggling Leo's skull in his grip showed that he made up for that with strength and ferocity. Mikey and Donny visibly tensed at seeing one of their own subdued, even as the shark-fishman tossed Leo at them so hard he _bounced_ and was left dizzied as he tried to push himself to his tail. The two untouched dugongs had just enough time to snap their weapons into ready positions before the fishman lunged at them—

 _THUNK!_

And was promptly knocked off course by a thick and heavy cargo hook connected to a sturdy length of rope cracking into the side of his skull and sending him tumbling down the boardwalk.

We stared after the fishman in shock for a moment before a proud, firm " _Ahem"_ drew our attention to the other side of the dock.

Boss was patiently tapping his tail against the boardwalk as he rewound his newfound weapon back into his arms, glaring frigid murder at the mako-fishman all the while. "What," he started slowly, his voice promising pain to come. "The blue hell. Do you think you're doing. _To my student?"_

The mako-fishman shook his head as he got his bearings back and clawed his way to his hands and knees, glaring right back at Boss with a disjointed and dizzy glare of his own. "You mangy little—!"

"Actually, on second thought, you know what?" Boss interrupted without warning. "I _really_ don't give a damn. Prepare to eat fist, _fishface."_

The fishman tried to climb to his feet, only for Boss to lash his fin out and send the hook shooting out to hit him _again_ , this time on the knee. Everyone present flinched at the sound of snapping cartilage, and the fishman went down, clutching the joint.

"Y-You'll pay for this!" he howled at the dugong.

"Not likely," Boss scoffed, spinning his hook for a moment before flinging it at the fishman anew, only _this time_ it lashed around the guy's leg instead. The fishman had _just_ enough time to widen his eyes in terror before Boss _yanked_ on his weapon's rope, sending him flying into the air. The second his opponent was in the air, Boss leapt up after him, meeting him in the middle fist-first and _slamming_ him into the boardwalk.

Then, still at the apex of his jump, Boss _spun_ on an axis, winding his rope back up and jerking the fishman back into striking range. He then struck him _again,_ only this time he hit the fishman _upwards_ while he himself launched himself down to the planks. The second he touched down, he yanked on the rope of his weapon and jerked the fishman back towards him.

Once he was half a foot above him, Boss snapped his fist out and _smashed_ it into the small of the bastard's back, bending him around his fist and leaving him T.K.O., bloody foam bubbling around his teeth in a show of complete and _utter_ defeat.

"Half-Shell Style," Boss proclaimed tonelessly.

He pumped his arm and tossed the fishman up a bit before leaping and spinning so that his tail _slammed_ into his body, sending his defeated opponent _skipping_ across the water of the harbor. And right into—and through—the side of the New Witch's Tongue for good measure.

"Barracuda Barrage."

"GO, BOSS, GO!" his students cried eagerly as they pumped their fists, though Leo's show of support was still a bit shaky.

The rest of us were too busy gawking at the display of sheer _kickass_ to say anything.

" _HOLY_ **shite."**

Well, _much_ of anything, at any rate.

"I'm with the snail, _that_ was impressive…" Lassoo whistled lowly.

"Call me crazy, but I think our Monster Trio just got upped to a freaking _quartet_ ," I breathed.

Vivi looked at me in shock. "C-Come on, he's strong but he's not _that_ strong!…r-right?"

"Eh, not quite, milady."

"GAH!" I jerked in surprise before snapping my gaze around. "Sanji, Raphey! When did you get back?!"

"Just in time to watch Boss lay down that utterly _righteous_ beatdown!" Raphey grinned eagerly, carrying a bundle almost five times her body weight on her back. "The shopping trip was great too! Turns out that balancing delicate ingredients while beating down muggers is a _fantastic_ training exercise! Who knew, huh?"

"Hmph! Just what I'd expect from my student," Boss grunted, waddling up to her and Sanji. "And unfortunately, your highness, I have to agree with Sanji; I'm good, sure…" He huffed out a heavy cloud of smoke. "But the past few days with you guys have really put things in perspective for me. I've got a ways to go before I can match any of our top three." He then grinned from ear to ear and stabbed his cigar at Sanji. "But that sure the heck doesn't mean that I'm gonna stop trying! After all, to reach for the top of the world no matter what…" He jabbed his cigar towards the sky triumphantly. "Is that not the most basic of all Man's Romances!?"

"GO, BOSS, GO!" his students cheered in unison, this time without any hint of hesitation whatsoever.

Boss maintained his stance for a moment before lowering his arm and chewing on his cigar with a worried expression. "Why do I get the strange feeling that I've been outshone…" he muttered to himself.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?!"

I shrugged with a snicker as I turned to address the source of the _very_ familiar screech. "Oh, you know, morons lined up, morons got beaten down, we showed off our badassery, you know how it— _WHAT THE HECK!?"_ My words and amusement proceeded to die a very violent death as I was confronted with the sight of Luffy and Zoro looking like they'd come out of ten rounds with, well… _each other!_ "The hell happened to you two!?"

Nami cast a vicious glare at our impassive superiors. "For some reason that I _cannot_ fathom, Luffy decided to do nothing to fight back against a pirate crew that mocked and provoked them, and ordered Zoro to do the same thing." The moment she caught sight of my eyes widening in shock, she lurched forwards and grabbed my collar. " _YOU KNEW!?"_

"Knew, but didn't expect, I swear to God!" I waved my hands frantically. "Damn it, so _that's_ why the bar looked a bit beat up. Why the hell did you guys ask about Sky Island!? I got Masira's help _specifically_ so we could try and avoid that particular shitfest!"

Nami abruptly released me and turned away, her fingers digging into her upper arms. "…I wanted some kind of backup plan in case your plan blew up in our faces again?" she replied quietly.

I opened my mouth to object to that, then closed it. "Harsh… but fair," I muttered, before turning back towards the Merry. "Usopp!"

"Already on it, Cross!" Usopp called back, deploying the gangplank.

"And where's Chopper?" Nami demanded irately. "We need him to patch up these morons, ASAP!"

Vivi blinked, then started glancing around in worry. "Wait, now that you mention it, where's Carue!?"

Soundbite crossed his eyes momentarily before adopting a nervous expression. " _Awe you sure dat dis iz a good idea?"_

He then took on a _much_ more manic expression. "Do not question my genius! This is better than a mere 'good idea'; there is actually a small but fascinating chance of this **actually working**!"

"And that's the sign to _DUCK AND COVER!"_ I yelped, throwing myself to the dock in a panic. A motion which was promptly imitated by everyone else, with Raphey hefting her bag and flinging it up high and Usopp performing an impressive dive into the water. And not a moment too soon.

 _BOOM!_

On account of how the walls of Merry's storeroom suddenly bulged outwards and the portholes shattered, pink smoke billowing out of the jagged holes left behind.

A few moments later, Chopper and Carue staggered up to the Merry's railing, coughing their lungs out.

" _It wo~orked…"_ Chopper sang blearily as he held up a vial of bubbling pink _something._

"Somebody save me fwom dis maniac…" Carue moaned.

My eye twitched a bit as I glared up at Chopper. "I _think_ we're going to need to have a talk with Chopper about when and where is appropriate for him to perform his more, ah, _volatile_ experiments. Any thoughts, Nami?" I waited for a bit before frowning at the lack of response. "Nami?" I turned to look at our navigator, promptly paling in horror. "Uh-oh."

I could _see_ an aura of rage surrounding her, and the enraged expression on her face was outright _possessed_. I scrambled to my feet and moved a safe distance away, as did everyone else nearby, instinctively recognizing the coming explosion.

" _RAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"_

And _there_ it was. Only… unlike all the times I'd heard it before, _this_ scream of rage… just wasn't funny.

"IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH A GROUP OF IDIOTS ON A DAILY BASIS, THAT I HAVE TO DRAG THEIR ASSES BACK HERE AFTER ANOTHER ONE OF MY STUPID CAPTAIN'S _STUPID_ WHIMS, THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE KIND OF CONDESCENDING PIRATES THAT MADE ME HATE EVERY OTHER CREW IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUT _NOW_ I CAN'T EVEN RELY ON HAVING A MOMENT OF PEACE, QUIET, AND STABILITY ON OUR OWN FUCKING _SHIP! GRAGH!_ FUCK THIS ALL, I AM _DONE!"_

As soon as she finished her rant, she started storming towards the Merry.

It was at that point that yet another familiar face made their presence known at _just_ the wrong time.

"Ah, Miss Navig—!"

" _CRAM IT, DEMON-BITCH!"_ Nami snarled in Robin's face without pausing. To my astonishment, Robin actually _reeled back_ , her eyes wide with shock _._

Nami then stomped up the gangplank, and how the wood kept from cracking I have no idea. She stalked straight towards the wreck of the storeroom, and I _swear_ that when she slammed the door, I could see beads of sweat on Merry's figurehead.

Silence reigned as everyone just gaped in shock… until Chopper broke it.

" _Well, that was something. Hmm… ah, Sanji! Just the man I was looking for!_ _ **See, I have some theories about calming pies—"**_

THWACK!

"OW! Thanks, Robin."

"Not a problem, Mister Doctor."

"OH, _hey!"_ Soundbite perked up as he twisted his eyestalks to look out at a part of the harbor. " **Masira found** _ **his crew! THEY'RE ON**_ THEIR _way!"_

That snapped my focus back to the present, prompting me to clap my hands to grab everyone's attention. "Alright, that was all a bit nuts, I know, but for now it looks like it's time we got going! Luffy, Zoro, go and get yourselves patched up by Chopper. Chopper, don't perform any unnecessary surgery—!"

" _ **Awww…"**_

 _THWACK!_

"OW! Thanks, Carue."

"Oh, no, anytime, I'm happy to help _, bewieve you me,"_ the duck grumbled.

"Usopp, get back onboard and start repairing whatever the _hell_ it is that Chopper did—!"

"I recommend a gas mask… and _maybe_ a lead apron."

"… Right, as I said. Robin, help him out, God knows that you're capable of it, and Sanji… ah, did the food survive?"

Raphey and Boss stuck their flippers up in the air. The student shot a quizzical look at her master, before paling as the bag she'd thrown up landed in _his_ grasp.

Sanji's eye visibly twitched for a moment before he sighed out a cloud of smoke. "Yeah, we're good on that front."

"Alright, perfect, start unloading. TDWS, you'll help me man the sails and get us going while Vivi—"

"No, _I'll_ help get us out of port," Vivi cut me off. " _You_ are going to go after Nami—not the time, Sanji," she said as she put her finger up in the love-cook's face before he could do more than open his mouth. "And you are going to talk her off of a ledge, though I _seriously_ hope that I am using hyperbole in this case."

I blinked. "Wai—But why _me?_ You're the friend she's not ticked at!"

"But _you're_ the one who understands the situation," Vivi explained patiently. "You know how to calm her down, and before you even think about forgetting it, you're her friend, _period._ If it helps, think of it this way: you got her into this mess, you get her out. Alright?"

I processed this, and sighed. "Fine, I'll do it as soon as Usopp and Robin have got the storage room aired out. That should give her enough time to calm down and listen instead of just biting off my head… which in this case probably _isn't_ hyperbole."

" _THAT's_ **my job!** "

"Alright, then, everyone!" Vivi clapped her hands firmly. "Let's get going to see the man who'll help us sail to the sky!" She stayed strong for a moment before slumping forwards with a groan. "I cannot _believe_ I just said that with a straight face…"

"Hey, who's the captain here?" Luffy whined petulantly as he slouched towards the gangplank.

I snorted as I walked up beside him and tapped the brim of his hat down over his eyes. "You, but _we_ give the orders ninety percent of the time. But then, we always do the ten percent you tell us to do, no matter how ridiculous, while you rarely, if ever, listen to what _we_ tell _you_ to do, so it all balances out."

Luffy scrunched his face up as he tried to puzzle that out before grinning his usual grin. "Oh, that makes sense."

"No, you're just a dumbass," Zoro sighed with a grin as he walked up from behind us.

"I know, but that's why I've got you guys, right?"

Zoro and I twitched as we exchanged looks before blushing and giving Luffy the mother of all dual dopeslaps. "Shut up, moron," we chorused.

"Shishishishi!"

The next few minutes were a bit frantic as we got the Merry going and things underway, but ultimately, I wound up standing over the trap door to the women's room with Vivi at my side.

I gave Vivi a nervous look. "Last chance to step up and take my place?"

The princess smiled beatifically as she gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Let me give you the same advice Igaram always gave my father in private whenever he was mustering up the courage to talk to my mother after he angered her."

I perked up curiously. "And that advice would be…?"

Vivi's expression fell flat. " _Grow a pair."_

My face fell equally flat. "May I remind you that she _scared Robin?_ Only a handful of things have ever done that, and the least threatening of them was about 20 million volts of lightning being thrown at her."

Vivi's response was to stab her finger at the trap door without changing her expression.

Well, there was only response to _that._ "Aye-aye, ma'am…" I muttered despondently, working open the door and slowly climbing down the stairs.

Nami lay on the couch, not even looking up as I came in, slumped halfway over the piece of furniture with a bottle of something in her hand held above her head, its half-drunk contents idly swirling above like a twisted liquid mobile.

I stood silent for a moment, unsure of what to say. Soundbite, meanwhile, made the executive decision to cough nice and loudly in order to draw her attention.

Nami spared me a disinterested glance and held it for what felt like minutes before slowly straightening up so that she was sitting in a slouched position, the bottle held hanging between her legs.

I tentatively took the invitation for what it was, making my way to the couch and sitting down next to her, hands clasped in my lap.

On any other day, I'd have mused over the fact that this was the _first_ couch I'd sat on since I'd arrived in this world, but now just wasn't the time.

For the longest time we sat in silence, me unsure of what to say and her unwilling to say anything.

Finally, Nami sighed and raised her bottle, tapping it against her forehead. "Do you know how I got my tolerance to alcohol, Cross?"

I glanced at her in confusion before slowly shaking my head. "I'm well-informed, Nami, not omniscient. I only saw enough of… that time to know it was hell. Few to no details."

Nami pursed her lips before slowly nodding in understanding. "Right… well, let me break it down for you: after I got a taste of alcohol, I got a taste _for_ it, because on those nights alone, in my map room, when I lay awake just waiting for the sun to come up, it took the pain away. It took the memories away. For a few, short minutes other than when I woke up in the morning, I could forget that my mother was _gone_ and that my life was a living _hell_. And for a while… it worked."

Nami snorted darkly as she shook the bottle again. "Until it _didn't._ As time passed and I grew older, it took more and more for me to manage to forget. Eventually, it got to the point where the costs were nearly outstripping what I was bringing in, and I just couldn't let that stand. So I made the executive decision to stop, and I forged on dry."

Nami chuckled darkly as she held the bottle out and slowly inverted it, allowing the alcohol to drain out onto the carpet without a care in the world. "What I'm trying to get at, Cross," she continued in a black-humor kind of tone. "Is that it's not that I'm good at holding in my booze… it's that I can't get drunk anymore, _period."_ She shook her head with a dry laugh. "And right now, for the first time since Luffy beat Arlong, I'm regretting that. Right now, I want nothing more than to be able to _forget."_

I swallowed heavily, trying to find the right words. "Nami—"

Nami _slammed_ the bottle onto the coffee-table bottom-first, though thankfully it didn't shatter. "WHY DIDN'T THEY FIGHT BACK, CROSS?!" she yelled without looking at me, her glare focused dead ahead the whole time. "THEY COULD HAVE KICKED THEIR ASSES WITHOUT ANY PROBLEM, THEY COULD HAVE _WON!_ I WAS BEGGING THEM TO FIGHT, BUT THEY DIDN'T DO _ANYTHING!"_

I flinched in face of her rage, biting my lip in an effort to stay silent. I thought long and hard about what to say, and eventually, I knew how to do it.

"Nami…" I started slowly. "Do you know who gave Luffy his hat?"

The navigator twitched and spared me a vicious glance for a moment before looking ahead again. "Some pirate named Shanks…" she muttered.

I sighed and shook my head. "No, not just _some_ pirate named Shanks, Nami. _The_ pirate named Shanks." I rolled my eyes with another sigh at the confused look she shot me. "Nami, in the second half of the Grand Line, the _really_ strong half of it, there are four pirates that are acknowledged as ruling the seas, capable of equaling the Seven Warlords and the Marines— _together_ —on their own. These pirates are known as the Four Emperors: Edward 'Whitebeard' Newgate, 'Big Mom' Charlotte Linlin, Kaido of the Beasts… and 'Red-Haired' Shanks." I chuckled at Nami's absolutely _poleaxed_ expression. "Yeah, shocked me too. Seriously, you wouldn't know it from looking at the guy, _or_ his crew, for that matter."

Nami gaped at me a second longer before swallowing and steeling her jaw. "And this matters because…?"

"It matters because of the events that occurred about a day or two before Shanks gave Luffy his hat ten years ago. The events that set… everything in motion. That _started_ everything _._ " I took a deep breath as I began to explain. "It was just another ordinary day in Luffy's village, with Shanks and his crew drinking their hearts out at the local bar and Luffy, this little three-foot nothing punk of a toddler, _begging_ Shanks to take him out to sea with him _despite_ the fact that he couldn't swim worth a damn. And this was even before he swallowed the Gum-Gum Fruit, mind you!"

" _Snrk!"_ I was gratified to see Nami snort with laughter, in spite of her mood.

"Yeah, well, the day went shitty real fast. The doors to the bar were kicked in and in came strolling this _dumbass_ band of mountain bandits, all raucous and rowdy and larger than life. Their leader, some moron whose name I can't even remember, was _proud_ of the fact that his bounty was, get this, _eight_ million berries big. Complete and utter blowhard. So, anyway, the guy strolls up to the bar with an attitude bigger than a _blowfish_ and he demanded a drink. The problem, however, is that Shanks and his crew had already bought up all the booze and _literally_ drained the place dry. But still, gentleman that he is half the time, Shanks was a good sport and offered the leader a bottle of good booze. And you know what that bandit leader's reaction was?"

"They shared a drink?" Nami asked sarcastically, obviously dreading the answer.

"Close… he used his forearm to break the bottle and soak Shanks with the booze."

Nami gurgled in shock, obviously unable to believe her ears. "Holy _shit…_ And at the time, Shanks was—?"

"He was undoubtedly an Emperor at the time, yes," I nodded in confirmation. "And you know what his reaction was to this no-name bandit leader spitting in the face of his generosity and openly assaulting him like that?"

The navigator swallowed heavily in anticipation. "… As they say in the West Blue, 'chunky salsa'?"

I chuckled and shook my head slowly. "Shanks got down off his stool, still dripping with alcohol, and started picking up the pieces of the bottle, asking the bartender if she had a mop."

Nami's expression froze in one of sheer disbelief. "…eh?"

"The bandit leader then proceeded to add insult to prior insult by sweeping his blade across the bar and knocking all of the dishes onto Shanks. Shanks' reaction was to just sit there and _take it._ Neither he nor his crew did _anything_ to the bandits as they walked out. And once they were gone…" I spread my hands in a shrug. "They started to laugh. Every last member of his crew, Shanks included, started to _laugh,_ without so much as a single. Care. In the world _."_

Nami took a moment to pick up her jaw before she responded. "Wh-why in the blue hell would they do that!? Why would he just sit there and take that kind of crap!? If Shanks is as strong as you say he is, then he could have killed that bandit with one hand, with one _finger_ even!"

"Which is exactly why he _didn't!"_ I interjected, jabbing my finger at her.

"What are you—!?"

"Do you think that there was even a _second_ where Shanks didn't want to knock that bastard's head off for what he did?" I demanded. "That there was a moment where he didn't want to wring his neck like a chicken? That there was even a _fraction_ of an instant where Luffy and Zoro didn't want to absolutely let loose and tear Bellamy, hell, this whole _island_ a new one?"

"I-I, I… I don't…" Nami stammered, obviously deep in thought.

"When those bastards hit them," I started slowly, filling my words with hard conviction. "When those lowlife scumbags decided to use Shanks and Luffy and Zoro as punching bags, those three had two very clearly defined choices. Two paths that they could take. One was to retaliate: to strike back, to lash out with their anger and to not stop until everything around them was rubble. And the other… was to take it. To keep their mouths shut, and win without saying so much as a word or lifting a finger."

I sighed as I saw the confusion in Nami's eyes. "They chose to bottle it all up. Their rage, their anger, their pain, their outrage… they took it all, every last bit of it, and they _leashed it._ They chained it up deep inside, and no matter how hard they got hit, no matter how much their rage struggled, _they kept it in._ You've seen Luffy and Zoro when they were angry, Nami. You saw them when they were pissed. Can you imagine the sheer force of will it took for them to take all of that abuse, the whole of that beating, and not even so much as _cry out?"_

"I…" Nami started before I interrupted her.

"Do you think that any of those wounds they got are going to scar? That they'll be traumatized from this experience, or hell, that they'll even really _remember it_ all that clearly a week or so from now?"

"I… no, no I… I doubt it…"

"See, the thing is, Nami, you're looking at this the wrong way." I held my fist up before her. "Those jackasses didn't win because they beat the crap out of Luffy and Zoro." I clapped my other hand over my fist. "They _lost,_ because they put their all into trying to break those two, into trying to leave some kind of lasting imprint on our lives, and they _failed. Miserably."_ I spread my hands apart. "The truth of the matter is that it will always take more strength to keep from fighting than it does to actually fight. And whoever can successfully display that strength when the time calls for it… _that's_ who'll win, without a doubt."

Nami slowly nodded, though her face turned into a frown. "Alright, I get that… but…" She clenched her hands together, her fingers digging into her palms. "What about the rest of them? They… they _laughed_ at me, Cross. To my _face._ I felt like an _idiot!_ It… it was just so…" Her face flushed miserably. " _Humiliating…"_

I had only one reaction to that.

I snorted derisively. "So?"

Nami snapped her gaze up at me in shock. "Cross—!"

"Nami, can you describe any of those bastards beside Bellamy or Sarquiss to me?"

That brought her up short, causing her to blink in confusion. "What—? No, but—"

"Can you name any of them? Tell me what they were wearing, what the color of their hair was, anything actually distinctive about them?"

"No! I can't, alright? I don't remember!"

"So, you can't remember them at all, nothing distinctive, nothing that grabbed your attention."

"Yes! Exactly!"

"So, if you can't remember anything about them, if they weren't distinctive, then why do they matter to you so much?"

"THEY DON'T!" Nami finally burst out, flinging her hands up in exasperation. "They don't matter, not even a bit! They were a bunch of nobodies! Thugs, strangers, jack—!…asses…" she trailed off as realization swept over her. "…Oh, my God…"

I nodded as I patted her shoulder comfortingly. "They. Don't. Matter. They weren't your friends, they weren't your families, they were _nobodies._ Morons laughing at something they couldn't even begin to understand, laughing at someone lightyears ahead of them in intellect due to their sheer _ignorance._ Jackasses like them? Fuck 'em. They're not important. Let them laugh themselves silly, let them swim in their too-small pond in their too-small world. Meanwhile, we'll be out there, sailing the oceans and having adventures greater than most people can even _dream_ of."

Nami heaved a shuddering breath as she hunched forwards, tears shining in her eyes as she held her hands over her mouth. "They don't _matter…"_ she repeated almost euphorically.

I watched her for a moment before deciding to bring it all home. "Hey, Nami," I started slowly, keeping a grin nice and restrained on my face. "Would it help at all if I told you I sicced a homicidal otter on Bellamy and then broke Sarquiss' nose and knife with a seashell and snail?"

"TRUE _STORY!"_ Soundbite provided eagerly.

 _That_ did it. Nami hiccuped out a bark of laughter before flinging herself at me, throwing her arms around my neck as she buried her face in my shoulder, simultaneously laughing and sobbing her heart out.

"There, there, that's it, let it aaaaall out…" I breathed as I rubbed her back comfortingly. "Dooon't worry, you'll be back to your usual, bitchy, hard-ass self in no time, I promise."

"Dumbass…" Nami hiccuped joyfully, pressing her smile into my shoulder. "Stupid, big-mouthed _dumbass…"_

"And I'm _proud of it_ , to boot, how's _that_ for a kicker?"

Nami's laughter redoubled.

I was prepared to hang in there for as long as it took, to ride out her emotions in silence, until Soundbite tensed up and glanced upwards fearfully. " _ **Oh, no…"**_

I looked at him in confusion. "What? What's wro—?"

Without any warning, rhyme or reason whatsoever, the air was filled with the voices of not one, not two, but _three_ monkeys, all working together… _to sing._

" _Ohhh~! The islands in the south are warm~! And their heads get really hot~!"_

Soundbite promptly shot back into his shell with a wail, and both my and Nami's faces grew ashen.

" _They grow-a pineapples, they grow-a coconuts, and they're morons~!"_

"Want to guzzle booze like there's no tomorrow and try and amp up your alcohol tolerance a bit?" I breathed in horror.

" _~Hmmm, hmmmm~ Next verse!"_

"Fuck, yes," Nami gargled in agreement.

We dove for the room's liquor cabinet before we were forced to suffer any further.

 **-o-**

Ultimately, nobody onboard had enough energy to try shutting them up, too busy keeping the boat on track to the other side of the island _and_ trying to keep their ears plugged up. I swear, I was _severely_ tempted to turn Chopper loose on them with to find out how it was scientifically possible for such discord to exist, and that temptation just kept growing as they crescendoed. Ultimately, however, Soundbite broke before I did, and chose to retaliate by filling the air with the most horrific noise he could possibly come up with.

Turns out that the audio version of 'Two Girls One Cup' is just as disgusting as the video itself. Who'd have thunk it?

At this point, alcohol wasn't going to cut it. We needed steel wool and bleach, applied _directly to the brain_. And my willpower to keep Chopper from going mad with the urge to come up with something was running out _fast_. Fortunately, the sight of a castle awaiting us on the nearby coast heralded our arrival at our destination, and I got no small amount of laughter at seeing the Dumbass Trio and the TDWS react to seeing the other side. With Shoujou and Masira beside us and Chopper forewarned, when Montblanc Cricket emerged from the water, we managed both to avoid a fight and to keep the man from passing out before he could learn what we had come for.

That was the point where he told us about his ancestor, the City of Gold, how he came to the island, and how he met the two monkey brothers. After Luffy reiterated his desire to visit the Sky Island, Cricket told us about the Cumuloregalis cloud and the Knock-Up Stream, ending with confirming that it was scheduled to occur again at noon the following day, much to the horror of some of the crew. My assurance that we would most likely (we had outsiders listening, after all) be alright only slightly mollified them.

Still though, I did take this opportunity to speak up and make _some_ measure of difference.

"Say, Cricket…" I started slowly, as though the idea were just occurring to me. "The Knock-Up Stream is an ocean current, right? Chances are it won't blast up all that close to Jaya itself, so… how are we supposed to find it, exactly? I mean, we could try using one of the brothers' eternal poses, I guess, but that seems unreliable at best."

"Yeah, no, we would get _eviscerated_ ," Nami cheerfully informed me. "In ten seconds flat. Eight for the sea to monologue in its own special way, one to laugh at us, and one to do the actual eviscerating."

" **CALLBACK!"** Soundbite sang gleefully.

"Yeah, yeah…" I muttered darkly. Cricket ignored this exchange in favor of considering my words, and telling us about the South Bird. After hearing the explanation, Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper sped off into the forest to find one before the rest of us could object.

"Oh, don't worry, they'll be back soon," Cricket interjected when he caught Vivi's worried expression. "But they won't be happy about it, that's for sure. I made the mistake of going into that jungle once before, never made it again. Those birds are devilish."

"Robin or Soundbite would probably have an easy time of it with their powers," I added, smirking. "But for anyone else, it'd be easier to burn down the forest than catch one of those birds. After all, the forest practically fights _for_ them!"

"God _damn it,_ Luffy!" Zoro snapped as he leapt to his feet. "Come on, duck! You're coming with me!"

"QUACK!?" Carue squawked incredulously. "Why da hell do I haff ta go!?"

"Because if the mosshead gets lost in there, his natural instincts will kick in and we'll never see him again," Sanji explained matter-of-factly. "Then to whom would I feed all the ingredients that were past due?"

"Me." Lassoo raised his paw lazily.

" **Yo,"** Soundbite concurred.

"Well, that backfired on me…" Sanji sighed. "But, yes, without someone to hold his hand, the poor marimo _will_ get lost."

"You want a fight, cook?" Zoro growled, unsheathing one of his swords.

"Actually," Leo piped up, approaching Zoro and unsheathing his own katana. "Since we have almost a day before we leave, _I'd_ like to try fighting with you, to see how I can improve."

Zoro's anger abruptly faded, and he instead adopted a _much_ more fearsome expression. "Oh, now you're talking. I haven't had a good spar with another swordsman since… since…" Zoro trailed off and his grin faded as he stared into the air.

I frowned as I started counting on my fingers. "Mr. 1 didn't count, you stomped Tashigi once and wussed out of fighting her again, Hachi didn't even scratch you, you got your ass handed to you by Mihawk, the Meowban brothers were idiots, Cabaji was more parlor tricks than swordplay… wow, you haven't had a good old-fashioned equal sword fight since you met Luffy, if _that_."

Zoro's expression was carefully blank, and it remained that way, even as he undid his bandana from his arm, tied it around his head, and clenched Wado Ichimonji between his teeth. "You. Me. Outside. _Now,"_ he growled at Leo before turning around and stalking outside in a manner that was more animal than human.

Leo sat frozen in his spot for a moment before slowly turning to face me, his eye twitching viciously. "Thank you. So much. You bastard."

"Hey, you asked for it, Leo," Boss said firmly. "And there's nobody better suited to help you with your style; even I have to admit I'm not good with swords."

" _I wanted a sparring match, not a slaughter!"_ Leo hysterically protested.

"We shall pray for you," Mikey, Donny and Raphey chorused as they clasped their flippers and bowed their heads.

" _THAT'S NOT HELPING!"_

" **LEO,"** the voice of evil echoed throughout the cabin, freezing us all in terror.

"I'm gonna _diiiie…"_ the dugong moaned, drawing his katanas and trailing them in the ground as he slinked out the door.

Moments later, the sound of a two-man _war_ erupted.

"Thinking about it, we could _all_ do with some training right now," Boss finally said, locking eyes with Sanji. "What say you and I settle that little 'Monster Quartet' discussion our friends were having earlier, hm? 'Sides, I need to break in my new weapon." He patted the makeshift rope-dart slung around his body. "That little minnow back at Mock Town barely even worked me up a _sweat."_

Sanji blinked in surprise before taking his cigarette and tapping the ash off into a nearby ashtray. "Turtle soup or blubber nuggets… decisions, decisions, decisions." He pressed the cigarette out before lighting himself a new one with a grin. "Let's find out, shall we?"

And with that, they too made their way outside. A few moments of (relative) silence passed before Nami let out a sigh.

"I cannot believe I'm doing this… Donny, how good are you with that staff? Weather control is all well and good, but I'd… really like to brush up on my bojutsu. I think I've let myself slip too much for comfort."

The purple-clad Dugong perked up before rubbing his chin in thought. "Hm… helping you relearn and enhance your bojutsu skills… I suppose that could be as much an educational experience for me as it would be for you. Alright, then!" He whipped his staff out and touted it proudly. "Let's do it! Ah, but ah…" He winced and started sweating fearfully as a thought struck him. "Somewhere where Sanji _can't_ see us? I have no death wishes, you see…"

Nami chuckled in agreement as she re-assembled her Clima-Tact and extended it to its fullest length. "Yeah, yeah, fair enough. And don't worry, I'll protect you if he tries anything. Worst case scenario… _itadakimasu."_

"Oh, God, I'm gonna _diiiie…"_ Donny groaned as the two staff fighters exited.

Vivi stared after them for a moment before looking at Carue. "I… I think that Usopp put the finishing touches on our weapons before Luffy and the Saruyama Brothers started… _urgh._ " She shuddered briefly before shaking it off. "Anyways, I think that I know where they are. Do you want me to find them so that we can test them out?"

Carue hesitated for the _slightest_ of moments before steeling his beak and nodding firmly. "Ah'm in."

Vivi smiled gratefully before looking at Mikey and Raphey. "Would you mind helping us? I need to get accustomed to the new size and weight and Carue needs to learn how to fight at all…?"

Raphey and Mikey looked at one another before shrugging in synch.

"Kicking a Princess's ass _without_ getting yelled at? Sounds fun to me!" Mikey snickered.

"I've laid the smackdown on almost a dozen different body-types today, might as well add 'feathered' to that list while I'm at it," Raphey smirked.

They then knocked their forearms together and grinned at the duck and the royal. "We're in."

Vivi and Carue's enthusiasm died a swift death, terror taking its place. "I… might have made a slight mistake..." Vivi whimpered.

"We'we gonna _diiiie_ …" Carue agreed as both he and her tromped outside, followed closely by their eager opponents.

Robin, Soundbite, and I just laughed.

"So, what about the rest of you?" Cricket asked.

Robin hummed contemplatively as she stroked her chin in thought before nodding. "I believe it might be best if I exercised a bit. Best to always keep in shape, after all." She then leaned back in her seat, opened Noland's logbook in her lap and started reading it.

I gave her a flat look. "Robin, exercising the mind is important too, but—!" I trailed off as I noticed her glancing up at me before the penny dropped. "Son of a bitch, that is fucking _cheating."_

"In your own words, 'Pi~ra~te'," Robin sing-songed with a smirk.

" _HE LAST_ **SAID that** _ **back in the**_ _dungeons of Alubarna!_ " Soundbite squawked in horror.

Robin's response was to hum a jaunty tune to herself as she turned a page.

Rather than dwell on horror on just what the _hell_ Robin was capable of, I instead chose to shoot a pleading look at Shoujou. "So, Shoujou, I hear you're good with sonic attacks!"

The orangutan-like man blinked in surprise. "How'd you hear about that?"

I froze as I noticed Robin studying me discreetly. "Ah… Masira told us about you?"

"Huh?" The gorilla tilted his head in confusion. "No, I didn't."

"Uh…" I swallowed desperately. "Yes, you did, you just forgot?"

"Oh, then I guess I did tell you!"

God bless the idiots. Shoujou glanced at his brother before shrugging. "Well, yeah, I am; they don't call me Sonar King Shoujou for nothing. Why do you ask?"

"Well, Soundbite's capable of more than just ventriloquism, and we're trying to work out some more offensive techniques for him," I explained. "And we already do have a good attack, mind you, but, well…" I looked over at Cricket. "Got anything you wouldn't mind us breaking?"

The freediver shrugged and tossed a spare log at me, which I then placed on the ground outside of the window and put Soundbite on the side of it. "Alright, everyone, duck and cover and _Gastro-Blast!"_

" _Snap-CRACKLE-_ _ **POP!"**_

I winced as an almighty _BANG!_ rang out from outside, like a log snapping in a fire times _ten._ I leaned back out the window and picked up both Soundbite and the eviscerated remains of the log, showing them off to the stunned members of the Saruyama alliance.

"So, yeah, Gastro-Blast is the only directly offensive technique we've got, and it's ranked as 'hyper-lethal'. The next best technique he has is Gastro-Phony, which just causes extreme nausea. We need to haul this technique back so that it's in the middle: harmful, but not guaranteed to _literally_ turn our enemies into a fine paste."

Shoujou scratched his beard thoughtfully for a moment before nodding. "Yes… Yes, I do believe that I can help your snail. No guarantees, but I'll certainly try."

"Perfect!" I grinned as I lobbed Soundbite at him. "He's all yours."

" _Be gentle,"_ Soundbite whimpered in his best 'angelic' voice, eyes all watery and everything.

"Awww…" Shoujou cooed.

"By the way, did you guys catch my broadcast earlier about the World Government's penal system?" I asked in a loud, deadpan tone.

" _ **BAHAHAHA—!"**_ Soundbite barked before he could help it, rapidly shifting to an annoyed expression. "AH, _DAMN IT!"_

"Give him hell, Shoujou," I requested in a deadpan.

The orangutan-man saluted as he ducked out of the house. "Will do."

" _TRAITORS!_ _**ALL OF**_ _you,_ **traitors!"**

"WELL!" Masira huffed as he stretched his arms as far above his head as he could manage in the house. "I'm going to go and get my guys to get started on renovating your ship. The Knock-Up Stream isn't the kind of thing where there's an upper-limit on reinforcement, you know!"

"And I'll just stay here and rest," Lassoo concluded with a wide-mouthed yawn.

"Actually, you're going to go full-gun," I ordered.

"Hm?" Lassoo cracked an eye open in curiosity. "And why would I do that?"

I grinned as I flexed my right arm. "Because I need to get used to carrying around a half-ton badass cannon, of course."

 _That_ got a reaction out of Lassoo, prompting him to leap to his paws with his tongue lolling out eagerly. "Oh, _heck_ yes! Finally! No more walking around for me!"

"Well, maybe one day," I warned him. "I still need to get used to your weight and all, you know. Maybe someday, but for now, I just need to get to the point where I can carry you without worry, alright? And I suggest you take the time to practice swapping your roulette around while in full-weapon, too."

"Yeah yeah yeah, whatever, come on, let's do this already!" Lassoo woofed eagerly before snapping into his full-weapon form.

I eyed the bulky and slightly unwieldy form for a second before glancing at Cricket. "Do you have any rope, or—?"

A few minutes later found me outside the half-house, jogging somewhat strained laps around the shoreline as I carried Lassoo on my back via the rope that I'd lashed around both his muzzle and his butt. While I'd certainly managed to make some impressive progress on my own muscle tone and stamina, there was still a freaking limit, and Lassoo lay a good few feet _beyond_ that limit. But, nevertheless, I persevered, running with the dog-cannon strapped to my back in an effort to even _marginally_ acclimate myself to his weight. At least the burn I felt in my legs and my back certainly meant that it was _working._

And I was far from the only one feeling the burn, for that matter.

The first group I passed was Boss and Sanji doing their level best to kick each other's teeth in. The dugong's rope-dart was nearly a blur, but it was obvious he didn't quite have control of it yet. Well, not quite obvious, mostly just little wobbles and grimaces when it didn't hit _quite_ where he wanted it to. And Sanji was capitalizing on that unfamiliarity, smoothly evading binds, knocking away the head, and pressing the attack himself.

I moved on, knowing that getting involved in the crossfire of that fight would see me spitting out all my teeth.

The next group I saw consisted of Raphey and Mikey slowly circling around Vivi and Carue. The princess was riding on her faithful friend and mount, and both she and Carue were sporting their brand-new armaments, courtesy of the Usopp Factory and the metal provided to us by the harpoons of the Black Cage Formation.

Vivi had traded up from her Peacock String Slashers, and was now sporting some _serious_ hardware: two kusarigama-sized weapons with crescent-shaped blades attached to the shafts of the weapon by the center of their arcs, both with thin links of steel trailing out of their pommels and into her sleeves. Or, for the uninitiated, a pair of double-bladed hand-scythes attached to a chain. Vivi was holding one of the weapons by the hilt, while she spun the other by its chain.

Carue, on the other hand, had chosen to armor up in a rather impressive manner. His wings had been kitted out with sheets of welded metal, so that the outer side presented a relatively flexible and mobile shield, and the leading edge sported a somewhat segmented blade, so that his wings were both metal-clad _and_ fully mobile. His talons were equally protected, strapped with metal claw-like extensions that were equal parts effective and menacing.

I had just finished taking this all in when the dugongs attacked. Carue's feet pitter-pattered on the ground as he whirled around to let Vivi meet the attacks, and quite frankly, the degree of coordination the two were displaying was astounding. I could only catch the barest of movements on Vivi's part whenever Carue changed direction, and then only half the time. The duck was dashing this way and that on the battlefield and making the term 'greased lightning' an actual thing. Vivi, for her part, was twirling her weapons in what was basically a small radius of what would have been instant death… if not for some issues.

You see, they _would_ have made quite the pair of combatants, were it not for their lack of experience with their weapons. Any slashes or swings Carue made with his wings or talons were clumsy, though far from slow, and were thus easily avoided or deflected by the Dugongs. Vivi, for her part, at least had _some_ skill with using chained weaponry, sure, but she'd just traded up to a larger weight-class and balance, and as such was having a difficult time coercing her weapons to move with the grace and elegance she'd displayed with her peacock slashers.

Mikey and Raphey, on the other hand, were almost the exact opposite: a well-oiled machine in both teamwork and combat, despite the usual nature of their relationships. Any opening either of them showed, the other covered, and any opening that either of them managed to open, the other exploited. They were a flurry of CQC melee, and I don't doubt for a second that were it not for Carue's sheer speed, he and Vivi would have _easily_ been overwhelmed. As it was, however, Carue's natural speed combined with their limited mobility on land hampered the dugongs' ability to keep up.

The fight seemed relatively even at first, the royal pair incapable of matching the dugongs and the dugongs incapable of keeping up...

Until Carue suddenly ran the wrong way.

I was ready to start laughing at the classic screw-up, when without warning Carue turned on a dime and _blurred,_ _literally_ running circles around the pair. Mikey and Raphey glanced around in confusion as they tried to process the development, until Mikey was forced to hastily deflect a scythe lashing out at transonic speeds and Raphey was almost run down by Carue leaping at her with his talons outstretched.

By the time I moved on, the two had fallen back to back and were keeping a _very_ close track of just _where_ Carue and Vivi were.

My introduction to Zoro and Leo's spar came in the form of Leo slamming into a tree not three feet in front of me. He immediately shrugged off the impact and ducked behind said tree just as Zoro bullrushed his way out of the undergrowth. With one quick slash, Leo cut down the tree he was hiding behind and let it fall towards Zoro.

The look on his face when Zoro promptly turned the trunk into so many wooden _cubes_ was absolutely _priceless_.

Sadly, I didn't get much more of the fight. Leo was sent stumbling back from the next slash Zoro laid into him, and the fight continued in the underbrush. Once again, I had no desire to get involved. Losing teeth was bad enough, but getting caught in _this_ crossfire almost certainly meant losing limbs.

Just out of sight of Boss and Sanji's brawl was perhaps the most subdued of the fights: Nami and Donny were exchanging blows quickly, but they seemed to be stopping every couple of minutes for Donny to give Nami advice on her technique. It was slow going, but I could already see some definite improvements on Nami's part. She wasn't an expert, no, but she was swinging her Clima-Tact around with both newfound confidence _and_ agility, and I could tell that Donny was thoroughly enjoying himself. I was surprised momentarily that the Clima-Tact was holding up so well. At least, up until I remembered who I was talking about. It would take a lot more than simple brute force to break one of Usopp's toys.

Soundbite and Shoujou were sitting together at the stone table outside of Cricket's house, with Shoujou watching with crossed arms and Soundbite perched on one of a variety of stones that they had set up. Soundbite closed his eyes and concentrated intently, before the rock beneath him shattered into fragments. Shoujou shook his head and explained something to Soundbite, who nodded in agreement before _sloooowly_ sliding his way over to the next stone. This one also shattered, but the fragments were bigger this time, so at least there was an improvement.

And finally, around the other side of the house, a dozen disembodied arms were either independently taking turns lifting moderately sized stones and passing them around in a concerted show of teamwork, or joining together to work as one to lift boulders. I observed them for a few seconds before shrugging; cheating though I thought it may be, I couldn't deny that it was a creative use of Devil Fruit powers. Though, I did have to wonder just how much effort Robin was _actually_ putting in.

After a few more laps around the coast, my screaming legs and back and shoulders told me that my body had had enough of lugging around my relatively new weapon and I made the decision to take a short break. So I made my over to the treeline, unslung Lassoo, and sank to the ground, praying for _some_ measure of life to return to my limbs.

"Sweet _shit,_ are you heavy, Lassoo..." I groaned painfully. "I don't suppose that you'd be open to going on a diet for a few… _kilos?"_

"Screw you, Cross," Lassoo huffed as he went back to his hybrid form and shook himself out. "And _damn,_ I never thought I'd miss these kind of cramps. It's actually _comforting."_

"Yeah, well, don't get used to it just yet," I rolled my eyes and arms simultaneously. "Everything from my dogs up are barking up a storm, so I will _not_ be carrying you around and using you to blast Marines like a badass, _Commando-_ style."

Lassoo rolled his eyes as he cracked his neck side to side. "Yeah, that sounded like a reference, and _Soundbite_ is the one who gets those, not me. Oh, and by the way? _Duck."_

"Wha—?"

CRACK!

"GAH!" I yelped in panic as some- _one_ smashed through the trunk of the tree above me and _bounced_ on the ground a few times before rolling to a stop.

That someone promptly sat up _ten seconds_ later and blinked in oblivious surprise. "Man, those birds are _mean._ And the bugs are almost as tough as the ones back home, too! Never thought a rhinoceros beetle could fly and hit as fast a _real_ rhino."

My eye twitched as I took in my uninjured captain before flopping to the ground with a groan. "God _damn it,_ Luffy…"

"Our thoughts exactly…" Chopper groaned.

I took one look at him and Usopp and recoiled in shock… and _disgust._ "Sweet _shit,_ guys! What the hell happened to you!?"

" _Literal_ shit…" Usopp groused with a grimace. "They make dung beetles _big_ around here..."

"Eesh…" Lassoo groaned as he covered his nose with his paws. "You two smell bad enough that _I_ pity you, and that's saying something!" He then grinned and settled down into the grass. "Heh, that image is gonna help me sleep well. G'night!" Seconds later, his snores were rippling the grass.

"Damn mutt…" Usopp grumbled darkly.

"Damn mutt that can kick your ass…"

" _WHAT WAS THAT!?"_

The only response the sniper got was a loud snore.

"Hey, guys! It looks like we're going to need some help catching the South Bird! Everyone get ready—"

"Hold it, Captain," I interrupted firmly. " _I'll_ handle this. _Hey, Shoujou!"_ I yelled at the orangutan-man as I held my hand up. "Snail me!" A checker-patterned snail slapped into my palm a second later, which I then placed on my shoulder. "Enjoy your flight?"

" _GNARLY, DUDE!"_ Soundbite cackled, his eyestalks spinning a bit as he emerged from his shell.

"Glad to hear it! Now, how do you feel about handling a little…" I pounded my fist into my hand. " _Negotiation?"_

"LOVE TO!" Soundbite directed his attention at the green hell we were standing on the border to. " _HEY_ **jerkwads! HAND OVER** _one of the_ FEATHER-RATS _**or prepare to suffer!"**_

Our response was a barely-dodged dungball the size of my head and a lot of buzzing-chirping-" _CHO CHO CHO~!"_ ing

"Translation?" I requested flatly.

" _They're laughing at us,"_ Soundbite explained in an equally neutral tone.

Three seconds later, the buzzes, chirps and " _CHO!"_ s renewed, along with a _lot_ of moving foliage.

" _ **And now they're NOT,"**_ Soundbite smirked sadistically.

"Niiiiice," I drew out with an equally vicious grin.

"So are you _sure_ this is going to work, or—?" Usopp started hesitantly.

FWUMP-FWUMP!

We all blinked in surprise as not one, but _two_ hogtied and struggling toucan-like avians were tossed at our feet.

"Withdrawn," Usopp finally managed to get out.

"The hell—?" I started in confusion before being interrupted by a _stupidly_ familiar voice.

"HEY, JERKWADS!"

We all snapped our gazes upwards, where a _third_ South Bird was keeping himself aloft. Furthermore, going by the markings on his beak, _he_ was the original South Bird that we _would_ have made use of!

"You guys want a South Bird to guide you?" he sneered as he waved a wing at his bound compatriots. "Go ahead and take two! These guys are completely and utterly _bazonkers!_ Just take them, get the _hell_ out of our jungle, _stay_ out, _and cut the freaking racket, will ya!?"_

Soundbite's grin didn't even shift. "DONE!"

"Great! Welp, I'm out of here! See ya never, _suckers! Hahahahaaaa!"_ And with that the South Bird flapped back into the jungle and out of sight.

I could only gape after it for a few moments before I heard the unmistakable sound of a large amount of fauna moving away from the nearby foliage and back into the jungle. Finally, I looked at Soundbite incredulously.

"Gilbert. Goddamn. Gottfried. _Really?"_

" _Trust me,_ _**it gets better!"**_ Soundbite snickered eagerly. " **UNTIE THEIR BEAKS!"**

I gave Soundbite a disbelieving look before gesturing at Chopper, who slowly unwound the vines from the South Birds' beaks.

"This is all your fault," the right-hand bird said at the one on the left in a _stupidly_ familiar, smooth and calm baritone.

"NO, IT'S YOUR FAULT!" the left-hand bird retorted in an equally stupidly familiar, if much more macho and hammy, voice. "YOU JUST CAN'T ACCEPT THAT MY TRIBE IS THE BEST THERE IS IN THE FOREST! I'VE SAID IT A HUNDRED TIMES: _JOIN BEAR GLOOOOOVE!_ "

"Never," the other bird replied concisely and calmly. "The Swagger Tribe will forever hold dominance over the meatheads of Bear Glove due to the sheer lustre of our feathers, and the awe-inspiring beauty of our beaks. If anyone is to swap tribes, you should join Swagger."

"BEAR GLOVE!"

"Swagger."

"BEAR GLOVE!"

"Stop it."

"NEVER!"

I twitched furiously as the two avians went back and forth. "What. The. Fuck."

" _I'm not even_ _ **changing what they're**_ SAYING!" Soundbite whispered reverently. " _THIS IS_ **AAAALL natural."**

"Kill me now," I groaned under my breath.

" _Later,"_ Soundbite half-hissed in a german accent, half cackled madly.

I then raised my voice and pointed at the South Birds, who I was steadfastly _refusing_ to mentally refer to as Terry and Isaiah oh dammit. "Tie them up and put them on the Merry. We'll deal with this new fresh hell of madness at some _other_ point in time."

"I've got it," Usopp offered, promptly silencing and picking up the struggling South Birds. "I was heading back to the Merry anyways. There are some, ah… " Usopp's expression became slightly uneasy. " _Things_ I need to look into…"

I frowned in thought; he had finished with the weapons by now, so what did that—? _Oh, no…_

"…Is Merry doing alright, Usopp?" I asked quietly.

He looked back at me with a forced smile. "Oh, she's taken a bit of a beating, but she's doing fine. I just need to patch her up some more; Masira and Shoujou should be able to help me, so no worries!" He didn't give me time to voice my own worries before hightailing it back towards the ship, the Old Spice duo— _no, the two South Birds—_ in tow. I shook my head grimly; there wasn't anything I could do at this stage… I think… I'd have to wait until Merry's Klabautermann showed up to find out just how bad things were. Hopefully there was a _chance_ that my intervention had changed things enough that she'd make it to the miracle-working city of Water 7, but… well, we'd see.

Shaking off my recent thoughts, depressing and exhausting as they both were, I turned my attention to the _other_ two crewmates present. "Soooo…what about the two of you?"

"I'm gonna go and make more of the stuff that blew up the storeroom!" Chopper raised his hoof eagerly before freezing in thought. "Wait… let me rephrase that."

"Please do," I demanded with a glare and crossed arms.

"Right, right, hang on…" Chopper slid his backpack off and dug through it for a bit before holding up a vial of what I could only assume was bubbly pink _death._ "This is what I've been developing: _hexanitro quadrifluoride,_ though I call it Cherry Blossom Blast. It's a somewhat volatile chemical agent that reacts… somewhat violently when exposed to oxygen following an excessive amount of blunt force."

I slowly pinched the bridge of my nose. "So, you mean to tell me that you used your newfound Mad-Scientist-Grade intellect to develop _home-cooked nitroglycerine?"_

"Psh, nitroglycerine _wishes_ it was as badass as my—!"

"CHOPPER!"

"I need artillery, alright?!" Chopper demanded as he flailed his arms desperately. "Strength and wrestling and close-quarters combat are all well and good, but I need to balance my skillset if I want to help contribute to the crew! So, between this kind of ammunition and my inherited throwing skills, I'm hoping that—!"

"Wait, wait, wait," I waved my hands hastily. "'Inherited throwing skills'? What the hell are you—?"

"Oh, right, I forgot to tell you about this!" Chopper slapped his hoof to his forehead. "Well, you see—!"

"Hey, one question?"

"…yes, Luffy?"

"What's nitroglycerine? It sounds tasty!" The three of us spared him a shared flat look.

"Aaanyways…" Chopper started before grinning eagerly. "Watch this!"

"Watch wha— _WHAT THE HELL!"_ I yelped in panic and waved my arms desperately as Chopper produced half a dozen scalpels from _nowhere_ and drew his arms back. "Nononono—AGH!" I screeched as Chopper flung the surgical blades at me.

TH-TH-TH-THUNK!

Before blinking in confusion as I remained un-dissected. "What the hell—?"

"Whoooaaa…" Luffy breathed in awe.

"CROSS…" Soundbite breathed. " _ **Turn**_ _around."_

I promptly turned around, and gaped in awe as well.

The reason for my awe was that the last time I'd checked, there had most certainly _not_ been a fuck-me-huge centipede pinned to the tree behind me by all six of Chopper's scalpels.

"What. The _fuck?"_ I breathed in awe.

"Looks like the South Birds wanted revenge, huh?" Chopper snickered.

" _CHOPPER!"_

"I learned from Doctorine, duh!" the human-reindeer rolled his eyes. "Where do you _think_ I learned how to throw like that?"

"My transforming-monster-doctor can throw stuff really good…" Luffy breathed with sparkling eyes. "My crew is the coolest ever!"

"Oh, shut up, you dumbass~! Like that would ever make me happy~!"

I blew out an exasperated sigh as I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Chopper, quit it. Luffy, while that statement is entirely accurate and very heartwarming, shut up, and back to Chopper, you mean to tell me that between teaching you all she knew about medicine, she _also_ taught you how to throw knives like a member of the goddamn KGB?!"

"What does Kyuka Grill and Barbeque have to do with knife-throwing?"

"To reiterate, _shut up, Luffy,"_ I jabbed at my captain before re-glaring at our doctor. "And _Chopper?"_

"No, Doctorine did _not_ teach me how to throw," Chopper explained with a roll of his eyes before grinning victoriously. "I learned by un-suppressing all the memories I had of _her_ throwing things at _me_ and then examining her technique!"

Soundbite and I boggled at the Zoan-user in shock.

" _Damn, dude,"_ Soundbite whispered in awe.

"Wouldn't that be, like, _beyond_ traumatizing for you!?" I questioned incredulously.

"It was!" Chopper grinned eagerly… his eye twitching furiously the entire time.

The resulting silence stretched out uncomfortably for about a minute or so until I slowly pointed towards the Merry. "So, yeeeaaah, how about you go ahead and start cooking up some more of the uber-nitro without blowing more holes in the Merry—!"

"The synthesizing process is _completely_ safe, I swear, it was just my intellect-induced shortsightedness that prompted me to test the formula's effectiveness inside!" Chopper hastily reassured me.

"…right. So, you just… go ahead and do that, alright?"

"Can do!" the doctor saluted in agreement before trotting off.

"So, Cross, what's everyone up to?" Luffy asked, though he seemed a little peeved after being ignored.

I _briefly_ considered letting Luffy have it for his sheer degree of obliviousness, but then I gave up on account of how A. it would never have any lasting effect, and B. it was really more the result of a _bunch_ of factors more than anything. "Eh, bunch of training exercises: Boss versus Sanji, Leo versus Zoro, Donny versus Nami, and Vivi and Carue versus Mikey and Raphey."

"COOL!" Luffy exclaimed, his annoyance gone… then he frowned. "Did I miss it?"

I looked back at the group, and it seemed that everyone was taking a break from sparring.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Luffy. We don't have to leave until morning, they'll probably be back at it in a little while. Meanwhile, why don't you go see what Masira's crew is doing for the Merry?"

Luffy adopted an eager expression for a moment, obviously ready and raring to give Masira a number of suggestions for 'improvements' to be made to our soon-to-be chicken-headed ship. To my surprise, though, he actually sobered up and shook his head.

"Actually, I have some training of my own that I need to take care of," Luffy said as he tilted his hat down over his eyes. "Those fights with Crocodile showed me just how right you were when you talked about Devil Fruit powers, Cross, and I need to get stronger. I've got an… idea that I want to test out."

I stared at Luffy in disbelief as I tried to process what I'd just heard. "… Okay, I'll bite. Bentham, how the _hell_ and _why_ did you manage to escape from Impel Down?"

"IT'S REALLY ME, DAMN IT! SEE!?" Luffy yanked his cheek out a foot. "I CAN BE DEEP AND SMART AND STUFF TOO, YOU KNOW!"

"Yeah, once in a blue moon when pigs spontaneously grow wings and _fly_ over a frozen hell…" I muttered. I regretted it seconds later on account of the pouty look Luffy gave me. "Alright, alright, bad joke, my bad. But seriously, though. If you want to go and train, that's fine. It's… admirable even, and I wish you the best of luck. Just…" I pointed at the Merry. "Go and grab your pipe if you're really dedicated to getting used to using it again? It can't hurt to train."

And just like that, Luffy's eager grin was back in place. "Great idea, Cross! Thanks!" And like that he was off.

I watched him leap on board the Merry before giving Soundbite a wide-eyed look. "Guess he's more than pure stupid and muscle, huh?"

"WHO'D **have** _ **THOUGHT IT!"**_ Soundbite nodded in agreement.

"Oh, hey, berries!" I suddenly heard him exclaim.

"Luffy, no, don't eat those!" Chopper called out. "I gathered those and set them aside because they're—!"

"Wow, they taste so good! And—!… aaargh, my stomach…"

"—Poisonous. _Dammit, Luffy—!"_

We both glanced at each other before chuckling as hints of madness slipped into Chopper's outraged voice. "Okay, now _that's_ more like the Luffy we know."

" _Yeah, I_ _ **WAS GETTING**_ **WORRIED THERE** _ **for a moment,"**_ Soundbite added. "NOW, LET'S _go and GET SOME GRUB!_ **I'm starving!"**

"Yeah, yeah, I hear you," I nodded in agreement, walking back to the rest of the group and passing by Luffy as he ran down the coast. I watched him for a second before shrugging and accepting a bowl of Sanji-prepared soup from Vivi. "Thanks. And by the way, nice going with your weapons. You were quite impressive with them."

The princess smiled in agreement as she drew one of the hand-scythes and hefted it before me. "Thank you. Honestly, I'm quite pleased myself. I might have to relearn how to use these, but I'm certainly having an easier time of it than I did learning how to use my Peacock Slashers."

"Yeah, no impwomptu haiwcuts so faw!" Carue snickered into his own bowl, which evolved into full-blown cackling when Vivi reached over and slapped him upside the head.

"Oh, yeah, by the way, I've been meaning to ask," I noted as I pointed at the scythe. "Any ideas on what you're gonna call those?"

Vivi's expression sobered at my question. She stared at her weapon silently for a moment before tightening her grip on its hilt. "Lion Cutters," she declared, softly yet _extremely_ firmly.

I sighed internally at her tone of voice before giving her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Your father… he'd be proud of how far you've come. You know that, right?"

Vivi pursed her lips before nodding sadly. "Yeah… I know." She gave me a slight smile. "Thanks, Cross."

I chuckled as I walked off. "Jeremiah Cross: Third Mate, Co-communications Officer, Tactician and therapist, that's me!"

I wandered around amidst our dining crewmates for a bit before pausing as one of them caught my eye. I smirked as I tapped Sanji's shoulder. "Reality's kinda harsh, ain't it?"

The cook blinked in confusion as he looked away from Cricket, who he'd been watching discretely while he ate. "Huh?"

"Well, I'm just saying," I shrugged matter-of-factly. "You said that you grew up listening to the story of Noland the Liar, so I can only imagine what it must be like to learn how that story affected the lives of people in the present."

Sanji started to shrug nonchalantly before… _tensing_ for whatever reason.

I cocked my eyebrow at him. "Something up, Sanji?"

The chef shot a hesitant glance at me before taking a shaky drag from his cigarette. "Cross…" Sanji muttered almost inaudibly. "I've… been meaning to ask you this for a while now, but… how much do you know about… _my_ past?"

" **DA FUCK** _you on_ _ **about,**_ **man?"** Soundbite demanded incredulously.

"I'm with the snail, lover boy," I nodded in tentative agreement. "What brought this on?"

"I just…" Sanji ground his teeth uncomfortably as he shifted in place, glancing this way and that in a somewhat paranoid manner. "I wanna know how much you know about me, is all. There are… well, you should know better than anyone that most people have parts of their past they never want to come back to haunt them. So, I just want to know what parts of mine you know. That's all."

I eyed Sanji in confusion for a moment before stiffening as realization struck me like a lightning bolt. I then proceeded to roll my eyes with a sigh and pat his shoulder reassuringly. "Sanji, Sanji, Sanji…" I sighed with a shake of my head. "You should _really_ realize by now that there is absolutely _nothing_ in your past that can make us think less of you."

Sanji perked up slightly and gave me a hopeful look. "Yeah? You think so?"

"Of course!" I nodded in agreement as I started to walk away. "I mean, come on. I realize that the fact that you were a picky eater back when you were a dish-boy before Zeff attacked your ship might have been something you were ashamed of, but it's _really_ nothing in the long-run. I _honestly_ doubt it can have any lasting effect on how the ladies see you. We all have those moments where we groan at just how stupid our younger selves were!" I glanced back at him with a smirk. "Right?"

Sanji stared at me for a second before shrugging. "Sure. Let's go with that." He then grinned in a cheeky manner. "To be honest, I was more worried about whether or not you'd seen me in my acne-years!"

I took a moment to contemplate that statement before grinning like a maniac. "Oh, my God, that is the best image ever _please tell me you had braces, too!"_

"If you don't already know, then you're not finding out any time soon!" Sanji laughed.

"Aw, c'mon, Sanji! _Teeeeeell meee!"_

 **-o-**

The rest of the day went by pretty normally. After we got some more training done, Luffy came back from whatever he was doing, and Masira and his crew finished reinforcing the Merry, inasmuch as they could (apparently, the chicken comb was a non-negotiable aspect of the upgrade), we reached the obvious conclusion of the day: we retired to Cricket's house and threw the absolute mother of all parties! It was a heck of a thing: food, more than a few drinks, music, the whole nine yards.

The inclusion of the dugongs meant that there was also more than a little brawling, resulting in Cricket getting somewhat pissed, but the fact that he was buzzed took the edge off his rage, and honestly, that would probably have happened anyway with the usual crew there.

The point at which things got _really_ fun, however, was when Cricket noticed Robin reading a specific passage of Noland's logbook and started going on about the one topic guaranteed to garner everyone's attention: Gold.

Even _I_ was spellbound by Cricket's tales of the lost city of Shandora. Sure, the conclusion might have been terrible for all, but the sheer amount of detail that Noland put into his logbook was astounding. If I hadn't been looking forward to the journey to Skypiea before, I sure as hell was now, if only to hear the sound of a bell that had left even a New World-capable adventurer in awe!

The best part of it all, however, was when Cricket showed us his pièces de résistance.

"Hot damn…" I whistled in awe as I inspected the golden rendition of a South Bird and the three ingots that went alongside it. "This is incredible, Cricket! Seriously, I can only imagine that treasure-hunters the world over would give an arm and a leg for a find like this!"

"Indeed, the resemblance is most impressive," came a familiar smooth voice. One of the South Birds had managed to get his beak free and was admiring the statue. "You can tell that it is a sculpture of a member of the Swagger tribe from the way its noble beak enhances the lustre of the gold a hundredfold, rendering it almost too glorious for man's eyes to behold."

"HA! AS IF!" the _other_ South Bird roared, apparently snapping the binds on its beak with sheer strength alone. "THAT SCULPTURE MANAGED TO LAST OVER FOUR HUNDRED YEARS IN THE WATER WITHOUT EVEN A SCRATCH! ONLY _BEAR GLOVE_ IS POWERFUL ENOUGH TO LAST THAT LONG!"

"Swagger."

"BEAR GLOVE!"

"Swagger."

"BEAR GLOVE!"

" _WILL SOMEONE GAG THEM ALREADY!?"_

"YOU CAN'T SILENCE THE SHEER POWER OF BEAR— _MMPH!?"_

"I don't see why you deem it necessary to silence _me_ , for I am not— _mmph…"_

"Can we just leave one of them here?" Nami demanded tiredly.

"Which one?" Usopp asked.

"Swagger/Bear Glove," Zoro and Sanji chorused before looking at one another in shock. "Are you nuts?!"

"So, Cricket!" I loudly said in an effort to _not_ think about the two Birds that had Soundbite laughing like a maniac. "Have you actually told anybody about what you've found?"

"Psh, are you nuts?" the buzzed freediver scoffed. "Nobody trustworthy lives within a hundred miles of this house; if anyone found out about this stuff, I'd have to deal with every gold-lusting pirate in Mock Town coming after me. That's why I made sure that these two knew not to say jack!"

Shoujou was nodding in agreement, before joining Cricket in staring at Masira, who was sweating up a storm. "Brother…" the orangutan grit out slowly. "Is there something you want to tell us?"

"Ah… you said not to 'say' jack?" Masira poked his fingers together uncomfortably. "I thought you said not to say anything _to_ Jack!"

Before the other two-thirds of the Saruyama Alliance could give the final third hell, we were interrupted by an annoyingly familiar laugh coming from outside. "HEY! OLD MAN CRICKET! I HEARD YOU FINALLY FOUND SOME GOLD, HUH? WHY DON'T YOU HAND IT OVER NICE AND PEACEFULLY? THAT WAY, WE WON'T HAVE TO KICK YOUR TEETH IN! _HAHAHAHA!"_

"You were saying something about gold-lusting pirates?" I said, rolling my eyes as I headed for the door.

"Hey, hold it, Cross, we can deal with—" Cricket began.

"Most of his crew, sure, but _he_ has Devil Fruit powers. Now, please excuse me while I provoke him."

The rest of the crew got to their feet as I opened the door, plastering a grin on my face as I greeted the pirates. "Sorry, but we don't have any gold for spring-heeled dickweasels."

"YOU! YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Bellamy roared, his sadistically cheerful demeanor suddenly replaced by unamused fury.

"I never introduced myself, did I? Jeremiah Cross of the Strawhat Pirates," I said with a salute. "And thanks for the save earlier."

Bellamy twitched furiously as he glared at me, emphasizing the new bandages he was sporting.

"You think we don't know who you are?" Sarquiss snarled, holding up the hilt of his blade. "A Transponder Snail with Devil Fruit powers is a pretty damn good giveaway. You owe me a new knife, and I think I'll take it out of that snail of yours."

" _BITE ME!_ " Soundbite taunted. " **YOU'RE BETTER OFF** _ **without that knife**_ _anyway!_ YOU NEEDED SOMETHING _**BIGGER TO**_ **compensate with!** "

Several people behind me began laughing, and I swear that I saw some of Bellamy's crew stifling laughter, too, much to his ire.

In fact, I think that was his breaking point, as he immediately lived up to the first part of my nickname for him by shifting his feet into springs and launching himself at me. And did I mention that he was actually _really frickin' fast_ when he did that?! Seriously, how Luffy was able to track this guy is beyond me. But the fact that he could is something I was immensely grateful for, as he managed to get in front of me and slug Bellamy in the schnoz before he could even get close.

The self-proclaimed hyena was flung back at his crew, resulting in a large pile of bodies.

Luffy looked back at me curiously. "What'd you do, Cross?"

"I sicced a homicidal otter on him," I said concisely before holding my hands up when Luffy frowned. "And before you say anything, while it _was_ after he beat on you and Zoro, I had _no_ idea that he'd done it at the time. He was just a convenient target."

Luffy smiled contentedly. "Oh, that's alright, then!"

"You… so, you _can_ fight."

I looked with no small amount of surprise to see that Bellamy was still conscious, even if he was struggling to get up again. Then again, thinking about it, Luffy _had_ put everything he had into the one punch that took him out last time, whereas this time he was still just an annoyance. The rest of his crew grimaced as they too got back on their feet, and Bellamy glared at Luffy.

"I guess you earned that 37 million beri bounty after all," he growled.

"…37 million?" I questioned.

"He remembered you saying his bounty increased sevenfold," Nami ground out.

 _THUNK!_

I groaned as I ground my forehead into the doorframe of Cricket's hut. "Some days, Luffy, your stupidity causes me _physical_ pain," I growled to myself before raising my voice. "The moron's bounty is _100_ million, Bellamy, and Zoro's is 60. You really should try and keep up with the news."

"Actually, to be fair, the News Coos haven't come to this island since you started your show; their next delivery is later tonight," Masira contributed.

He promptly flinched back as I got up in his face, glaring certain death into his eyes.

"That's. Not. Helping," I growled through gritted teeth.

Despite his injuries and rage, Bellamy laughed. "HA! You expect me to believe that? Sure, I'll admit that he's got fight in him, but I heard every broadcast of that SBS show you did, and if he's even half the moron you described, the chances of him actually getting a bounty that high are about the same as the odds of me becoming a bright-eyed dreamer like you!"

I blinked as I processed that statement. I then snapped my hand into a fist and stepped past Luffy, shooting a vicious grin at the opposing pirate captain. "Funny you should say that, because in my humble opinion, the odds of _you_ being able to beat _us_ are about the same as the odds of you _ever_ getting so much as a shred of respect from the feathered _jackass_ you're stupid enough to follow!"

As expected, Bellamy's expression twisted in fury and his legs compressed into springs. " _SPRING—!"_

I noticed Luffy starting to step around me, but I promptly stuck my hand out without ever breaking my glare. "Gastro-Phony," I ordered calmly, securing my headphones with my other hand.

Soundbite sneered viciously. " _Roger-roger."_

He had clearly gotten better with his control, judging from the fact that Luffy was unaffected. Bellamy's crew, on the other hand, fell to their knees the next moment, and began unloading their stomachs, while Bellamy himself apparently screwed up his takeoff; I didn't see how it happened, but the next thing I knew, he was plowed into the dirt about a foot in front of me, face-first. I approached and stared down at him impassively.

"You have real potential, Bellamy, and that's something you'll never hear Doflamingo tell you. If you ever change your outlook on life and decide to actually use what you've got, come find us. But for now, just remember that you lost to the weakest members of a crew filled with nothing but 'bright-eyed dreamers,' without giving them a single injury."

"Like… hell…" Bellamy snarled, struggling out of the earth. My expression didn't change as I took Soundbite off my shoulder and put him on Bellamy's back.

"Think you can leave him alive?" I asked tonelessly.

" _He'll wish_ **to hell** _**I hadn't**_ _,"_ Soundbite stated firmly.

"Then in that case… _Gastro-Blast."_

The Baby Transponder Snail bared his teeth in a snarl at Bellamy. " _SUCK ON THIS,_ _ **jackass."**_

Bellamy started to push himself up… and promptly froze, each and every muscle in his body tensing and locking up simultaneously. He wasn't even _screaming,_ his mouth was just hanging open and allowing a scant few gargles to escape his throat with his eyes rolled up into his head. Finally, he choked up a mouthful of blood and fell back to the ground, his will collapsing from the agony.

Silence reigned as everyone stared at the unconscious pirate in shock.

I picked Soundbite up and placed him on my shoulder before dusting my hands off. "And _that's_ how you be badass," I announced simply.

 _That_ managed to rouse Sarquiss from his shock, prompting him to laugh desperately. "H-hahaha, c-c'mon Bellamy! Very funny, I actually bought it for a second there! N-now come on, get up already! Kick this bastard's ass!"

An uncomfortable silence hung as Sarquiss panted desperately.

"Bellamy! BELLAMY, COME ON, T-THIS SHIT ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE! _BELLAMY!"_

I dug my foot under Bellamy's body and flipped him over, giving his unconscious form a faux-curious look before shaking my head at Sarquiss. "Yeah, no, he is _not_ waking up anytime soon."

And _that_ broke the camel's back. Sarquiss _screamed_ like a goddamn madman, charging at me and swinging the broken hilt of his knife.

I tensed and moved my hand to grip my baton, but before I could draw it…

SLAM!

Luffy beat me to the punch. As in, he punched Sarquiss so hard that he _literally_ flipped around the rubber-man's fist before landing flat on his back.

I blinked in surprise as I took in the beatdown before giving Luffy an admiring look. "Goddamn, dude."

Luffy snorted as he cracked his fists and gave Bellamy's crew a bone-chilling glare. "Don't touch my friends."

I chuckled as the poor jackasses cowered in terror, one of them even going so far as to faint, foaming at the mouth… though, really, I think that was more of a coincidence than anything. I then noticed that Sarquiss was still moving, if only a bit. Walking over to him, I knelt down over his prone form.

"Word to the wise," I informed him in a calm tone. "I might call my captain a moron, and that's because he really _is_ one, but there's one fact you shouldn't overlook."

I grabbed him by the collar and hauled him up so that I could stick my snarling face in his insensate one. " _He's the moron who can kick your ass!"_

And with that I hauled my fist back—

SLAM!

—and put him down for _good._

I dusted my gauntlets off and stood up before waving at Bellamy's crew. "Hey, morons!"

Said morons both twitched in rage and shivered in terror, with the result that the looked like they had a split-second seizure.

I pointed at Bellamy and Sarquiss. "I'd suggest you hurry up and peel your friends off of the dirt and get back to Mock Town. Otherwise…" I jerked my head back at Cricket's cabin.

The pirates looked at where I'd indicated, and promptly paled as they caught sight of Zoro fingering his swords and Nami tapping her Clima-Tact on her shoulder.

" _They'll_ get you next. Capiche?"

Over the next few seconds, I learned just how fast people could run when terrified for their lives.

The answer? _Very fucking fast._

 **-o-**

Aside from the antics I'd come to expect from being a Strawhat pirate and from being involved with the Saruyama Alliance, the rest of the evening was uneventful. As dawn approached, however, a rather heated argument surfaced between the two saner members of the Monster Trio, each of which had one of the South Birds on their shoulders, about which bird we would leave behind.

"It's clear that we need someone more levelheaded and calm to help us navigate to the Knock-Up Stream; Nami-swan deals with loud-mouthed idiocy enough already," Sanji said calmly. "The Bear Glove moron stays."

"What we _need_ is someone who has enough brawn to hold his own in a fight after we get up there; we have a freaking _snail_ that can hold his own, we don't need anyone who's good for nothing more than being a compass!" Zoro argued heatedly. "The Swagger moron stays."

"Bear Glove!"

"Swagger!"

"Bear Glove!"

"Swagger!"

SLAM-SLAM!

"WILL YOU IDIOTS GIVE IT A REST ALREADY?!" Nami yelled as she stood over the cook and First Mate's insensate forms. She huffed and pinched the bridge of her nose before waving her hand dismissively. "Here's what we're going to do: Zoro, if Bear Glove comes, he's _your_ responsibility as much as Soundbite is for Cross, and Sanji, the same goes for Swagger. And until we reach the Knock-Up Stream, you two dipshits are going to take care of them and _shut up,_ got it!?"

"Yes, ma'am…" the two groaned.

"Look at it this way, Nami!" I snickered. "So long as Zoro's carrying around a literal living compass, there's no way in hell he can ever get lost so bad again!"

"I am afraid that that statement is as inaccurate as saying that I am anything less than an object of grace and beauty," the Swagger Bird (and dear God, did I wish he'd chosen another name) crooned.

"Eh?"

"SOUTH BIRDS OF THE BEAR GLOVE TRIBE ARE TOO _POWERFUL_ TO BE ENSLAVED BY SOMETHING AS PUNY AS THE PLANET'S MAGNETIC POLES!" the ( _Grooooan)_ Bear Glove Bird roared as he flexed his wings. "WE POINT OUR BEAKS WHICHEVER WAY WE WANT TO POINT THEM!"

"Alright, for the sake of being specific, you two are part of different tribes, obviously, but do you have names of your own?" Usopp asked curiously.

I began praying, for my poor, dying sanity…

"Yes, my name is Isaiah."

"AND I'M TERRY!"

And then I remembered exactly which divine force was hearing my prayers, and smacked myself.

But beyond that little sanity-destroying incident, with no absent Luffy hunting hercules and atlas beetles and giving moron pirates dents in their skulls, we managed to set out to sea right on time. Granted, we had to rely on Isaiah's beak more than Terry's due to the Bear Glove Bird's tendency to swing it about this way and that without warning, but still, we managed to make decent headway.

Finally, after interminable minutes, we got a call from Masira's ship indicating that it was _time._

I stared out at the horizon in awe. I'd seen huge storms before back in my old world, and I'd seen even _bigger_ ones since I'd arrived in the Grand Line, but this… to see the sky just become _engulfed_ with clouds, clouds large enough that they seemed to _dwarf_ even the majesty of the Red Line… it was, quite simply, _awe-inspiring._

Nami chewed her lip uncomfortably as she eyed the oncoming clouds alongside me. "It's huge… and early." She gave me a wary glance. "You're sure we'll make this on time?"

I nodded firmly. "It's gonna be rough, but it'll also be awesome as all heck, and we _will_ make it." I then grimaced nervously. "Or at least we'd better, because if we miss this, then we'll have bigger things to worry about than Luffy being disappointed."

"What the heck are you—?"

"ALERT! MARINE BATTLESHIPS AT TEN O'CLOCK, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MAELSTROM!"

My eyes widened and I slapped a palm to my face; between the Unluckies, talking down Nami from her breakdown and the training, I had _completely_ forgotten about Tashigi's warning. When I lowered my palm, I noticed the vast majority of those onboard glaring at me… actually, everybody. _Everybody_ was glaring daggers at me, even the freaking South Birds!

"Alright, before you say _anything_ , let me just say that I have an absolutely _ironclad_ defense," I hastily requested.

" _What_ defense, _Mister Jeremiah?_ " Vivi asked, her voice icy.

Soundbite and I shared terrified glances before plastering uneasy grins on our faces. " _Tashigi did it?"_ we chorused uncomfortably.

"Explain," Nami ground out in a tone of forced calm.

I poked my fingers together sheepishly. "Sengoku mobilized a fleet after us, and she knew where our Log Pose would be pointing us next, so she supplied false information about where we'd be going, redirecting them to a backwater place that the Marines would never think to look… Jaya."

"…Wow," Nami deadpanned flatly. "Just… _wow._ Even when the Marines are _on our side_ , they _still_ manage to royally screw us over."

"Hey, look on the bright side!" I hastily interjected. "At least it happened now rather than on some _other_ island where we didn't have an escape route pre-arranged! Right?"

The glares only softened somewhat.

"P-plus they're still heading straight towards Jaya, they may sail right past us and never know we're here?"

"THAT'S A NEGATIVE, THEY'RE SAILING RIGHT AT US!"

"…yeah, I got nothing."

"SON OF A—GAH!" Nami roared out in exasperation. "BOSS! YOU AND YOUR STUDENTS START TOWING, ASAP! MASIRA, SHOUJOU, THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP BUT WE'LL GO FROM HERE! IF THE MARINES CATCH SIGHT OF YOU WITH US, THEY'LL BLOW YOU TO SMITHEREENS!"

"SOUNDS GOOD TO ME!"

"GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL!"

And with that, the Saruyama Alliance split off and started sailing back towards Jaya.

"COME ON, BOYS!" Boss roared as he grabbed a towline and stood on the Merry's railing. "LET'S SHOW THIS OCEAN WHO'S BOSS!"

"AYE-AYE, BOSS!" the rest of the Dugongs cried as they all leapt overboard.

"…Well!" I said, clapping my hands together. "Since we're heading into another near-death scrape before a big adventure, I'd say the time is ripe…" I dug my hand into my bag and drew out the mic with a grin. "For another SBS broadcast!"

 **-o-**

" _Testing, testing, one two, one two! Is this thing on?"_

" **I THINK SO!** _ **Whether it**_ is or not is IRRELEVANT _THOUGH!"_

" _And how's that?"_

" _BECAUSE_ _ **I'm still**_ starting **THE SBS!"**

" _DAMN LITTLE—! Ergh, fine, whatever. One of these days…"_

"Bam, pow, straight to the **third moon of Endor!"**

" _Yes, that. But anyway, hello faithful viewers! Today, you find us scraping right next to the edge of death itself! How so, you might ask? Weeeeell, apparently someone in the Marine Corps somehow found out that we picked up an Eternal Pose somewhere in an effort to evade the fleet that the esteemed Fleet Admiral Sengoku mobilized to capture us, and sent them_ straight _for us!"_

Ensign Tashigi's pupils shrank to pinpricks as she stared at the Transponder Snail before her in horror. "Cross, you _son of a—!"_

" _Ensign."_

The Marine's spine went ramrod straight in abject terror as she felt the presence of a _great_ evil behind her.

"…meep."

 **-o-**

" _Still, it's not as bad as it sounds! Because you see, in the process of acquiring our Eternal Pose, we managed to discover an alternative route along which we can escape! Allow me to spell out the process through which we'll be pulling this whole thing off. First and foremost, we got our beloved ship, the Going Merry, reinforced while we were docked. Notably, these reinforcements centered around her_ keel."

"…And that matters because?" Hannyabal asked dryly.

"Now, now, be patient, Vice-Warden," Head Jailer Domino mused as she dug through one of the drawers of her desk, listening to the Video-Snail that was talking up in a corner of the room. "We both know how mad the Grand Line can be. I'm certain that there's an explanation."

"Hmph… fair enough. Say, what are you doing, anyways?"

"Getting my gasmask."

"Why do you need your—?"

PBBBHHHHT!

"AAAAAAGH! IT BURNS!"

"Because _I_ remembered that today was Breakfast Burrito Tuesday. Good morning, Warden."

"Good morning to you as well, Domino. Hannyabal forgot the date again, hm?"

"He'll learn eventually, I'm certain."

"He'd better, otherwise he'll never survive long enough to become Warden."

 **-o-**

" _Second, while this might appear counterintuitive to most sane pirates and sailors, we are now headed straight towards a maelstrom we managed to locate moments ago. An interesting fact to note about this maelstrom is that A. it's absolutely massive, and B. it appeared mere moments ago!"_

"Get to the point, already!" Perona screeched, her astral form waving back and forth impatiently.

"Kishishishishi!" the gargantuan form of Gecko Moriah shuddered with laughter as he reclined on his most-certainly- _not-_ Emperor-sized bed. "Your noviceness is showing, Perona."

"What!?" the ghost-woman yelped, soaring into her captain's face. "What are you talking about!? All he said was that they're being morons and sailing towards their death!"

"Kishishishi, maybe," Moriah nodded in agreement. "But I assure you, countless other people besides me have already realized what they're planning! This crew might be full of rookies, but damn if they aren't lucky! KISHISHISHISHI!"

"TALK SANE, ALREADY!"

" _KISHISHISHISHI!"_

 **-o-**

" _And finally, to complete our daring master escape… hold it… DAY HAS JUST TURNED TO NIGHT! HA! TIMED IT EXACTLY! BOOYAH!"_

Sengoku paled considerably; he'd suspected it at the mention of the maelstrom, but he'd hoped, dear _God_ how he'd hoped…

The Admiral of the World Government's Fleets scrambled for his Transponder Snail's mic and hastily dialed the lead captain of the task force he'd assembled, _immensely_ grateful that the Snail Transceiver didn't shut down the capability to make calls on any snail but the one using it.

"Captain Very Good! You need to apprehend or sink the Strawhats at once! They're trying to hitch a ride on a Knock-Up Stream! THEY'RE GOING TO ESCAPE INTO THE SKY! … _NO, THE THIN AIR AT THE TOP OF MARINEFORD HAS NOT GOTTEN TO MY HEAD, JUST HURRY UP AND SINK THEM ALREADY!"_

He slammed down the receiver, and then, feeling the familiar tremors, exited his office and made a beeline for Garp's to shut him up _personally_.

 **-o-**

I cackled madly as the sound of cannonfire started to ring out over the roar of the world-class drain we were circling and plumes of water started sounding out around us. "Looks like the Marines have figured out what we're up to, and they're not happy with it! Stay tuned, viewers, because this madness is just getting _started!"_

"WE'RE GONNA DIIIIE!" Usopp and Carue cried as they desperately hugged Merry's mast.

"THIS HAD BETTER DAMN WELL WORK, CROSS!" Nami yowled as she barely restrained herself from throttling me by digging her fingernails into the railing.

" _Happy-place-happy-place-happy-place!"_ Chopper whined on repeat as he rocked back and forth on the deck.

"I don't suppose there's _any_ way to talk you out of this, Luffy!?" Vivi pleaded desperately from where she'd wound her arm into the Merry's rigging.

"Shishishi!" Luffy laughed from his special seat. "Why would I ever run from adventure!?"

"I was afraid you'd say that…" the princess sobbed desperately.

"If you're afraid now, your highness, then I'd recommend against looking overboard at this moment," Robin recommended.

"What are you—WAAAAAGH!" Vivi screeched in terror as the Merry flew over the lip of the maelstrom…

 _SPLASH!_

"Huh?"

…and blinked in confusion as we landed in calm waters. "What the—?"

"Wait for it…" I muttered.

Boss and his students leapt onboard in a hurry, the senior dugong glancing over the edge nervously. "You're all gonna want to find something to hang on to!" he warned desperately.

"You know it's bad when _he_ says it!" Leo warned.

"Wait for it…" I repeated, grinning like a loon as the waters started to swirl beneath us.

"HEY, STRAW HAT!"

I flinched as my good mood was killed by a sickeningly familiar voice breaking out across the water. "Ah, damn it…"

"Zoro," Luffy noted, pointing out away from where the Marine warships were starting to approach us.

We all turned to observe the over-sized raft that was approaching us, bearing four of the deadliest pirates in this day and age on it.

"ZEHAHAHAHA! If it isn't Straw Hat Luffy! I've come all this way to collect on your 100 million beri bounty, so don't be shy!" a terrifying figure bellowed eagerly. "And I'm certain I can get something for your first and third mates, too! ZEHAHAHA!"

I grit my teeth as I stared at the pirates, knowing the kind of hell they were about to raise, the proposition Lafitte was making _right this moment._

"Lassoo. Blow that raft to Kingdom Come," I bit out viciously.

"On it!" the dog-cannon growled as it got up on the railing and unloaded a barrage of baseballs on the raft.

BA-BA-BANG!

None of which made it, though, on account of Van Auger prematurely detonating them.

"Well, that's new…" Lassoo whistled.

"Cross?" Luffy questioned.

"…Remember Blackbeard, Luffy?" I growled. "The one who murdered Ace's crewmate? Who ravaged Drum Island? _That's him._ "

" _Uh,_ CROSS? **You realize** _ **that this**_ **THING** _IS STILL ON,_ _ **RIGHT?**_ "

I snapped my attention back to the mic I was holding. "Ah."

Considering Luffy's darkening expression, I reluctantly acknowledged it as a good thing when the water beneath us began to bulge upwards. I looked towards the fat, hairy _bastard_ , hating that I couldn't do anything about him here and now, but in the end, I decided that taunting the world was more important.

"Everyone, hold on to something! This is going to be crazier than Reverse Mountain! Now, allow me to explain what's about to happen, viewers!" I proclaimed as I slowly wound a rope around my arm. "Currently, our ship is stationed over the exact center of an oceanic event in the Grand Line known as the Knock-Up Stream! Think of it as a mid-ocean geyser, if you will!"

The ocean continued to bulge upwards as Blackbeard approached us.

"The Knock-Up Stream is a massively powerful event, capable of flinging ships this way and that and even annihilating them in a single massive blast! They'd usually mean certain death!"

The ocean bulged higher and higher still, like a balloon getting ready to burst, even as the Marine battleships advanced on us, the gunnery crews onboard lining up their cannons for a good shot.

"Were it not for the fact that dead above us is a singularly _massive_ cloud formation known as the Cumuloregalis! It is capable of blotting out the sun because as unlikely as it may sound, the clouds that compose it… are solid! And thus, our escape route. With enemies on all sides, with no means of escape in the seas, we take the only option we have available to us!"

The ocean bulged higher and higher and higher, until…

"WE TURN OUR PROW UPWARDS! WE SAIL _INTO THE SKY ITSELF!"_

The ocean _exploded._

 _ **KA-BLOOOOSH!**_

"PFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!" I cackled madly, _roaring_ with laughter over the screams of my crewmates as we soared upwards.

This… this was _AMAZING!_ An explosion like no other, a rush of heat and wind and air, shoving us up towards the sky at velocities most likely only achievable via _goddamn rockets and re-entry…_

It was perilous, it was maddening, and for a minute there it was seriously touch and go, but once our _brilliant_ navigator got reacclimated to the change of axis and got her wits about her… it happened.

We were flying… we were _flying_ into the _sky!_ Defying all odds, defying nature and physics _and rationality itself…_

What else could I do but climb along the mast, perch myself on the flagpole…

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I LOVE YOU GUYS! _I LOVE THIS CREW! PFAHAHAHAHA!"_

And scream my exhilaration to the _world?_

" _ **COWABUNGA, DUDES!"**_ Soundbite cackled in agreement.

"PFHAHAHAHAHA! YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, FOLKS!" I roared into my mic as I jabbed a finger up at the ever-approaching clouds. "WE, THE STRAWHAT PIRATES, ARE SAILING INTO THE SKIES! WHAT ADVENTURES AWAIT US? WHAT LANDS WILL WE SEE? _WILL I STILL BE ABLE TO BROADCAST FROM THE SKY!?_ TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT ALL THIS AND MORE! BUT FOR NOW, THIS IS JEREMIAH CROSS!"

" _AND_ _**SOUNDBITE!**_ "

"OF THE SBS, SIGNING OFF!"

I rammed the mic back into its cradle and continued to laugh wildly as we flew onwards and upwards.

Every second brought us higher and higher, closer to the clouds, to the skies, to the Bell of Gold and the Land of God.

But more importantly… every second we flew…

 _Brought us closer to our next adventure!_

 **The Patient One AN: Credit where credit is due:** _ **I**_ **submitted the idea of Terry Crews for the South Bird's voice… and Xomniac took the idea and ran with it. You see why it's** _ **his**_ **name on this.**

 **CV12Hornet AN: Also, you better enjoy this, you would not believe how much trouble this chapter gave us!**

 **Xomniac AN: Sorry this took so long, folks, but I assure you, what's to come next is sure to be something you'll like! If you thought we were blitzing the rails** _ **before…**_

 **Cross-Brain AN: You ain't seen nothing yet.**


	29. Chapter 28 - Skypiea Pt 1

**Chapter 28**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Just a quick FYI for our readers, but Cross-Brain, and thus by extension This Bites! now has a P-a-t-r-e-o-n Page! Just look up Cross-Brain and you'll be able to support our endeavors, and even get cool rewards in the process!**

"…Goda-sensei… you may be the greatest manga author who ever lived… but the world you made is beyond even your unearthly artistic abilities," I breathed as I took in the sight of the White Sea. The cherry blossoms as we left Sakura Kingdom had been beautiful, but this was downright ethereal, so damn wonderful that I felt like I was in the middle of a dream.

I mean, sure, we were all sopping wet and tired as all hell from the ordeal of bursting through several dozen meters of semi-liquid cloud cover, but that barely did anything to limit the utter beauty of the White Sea.

Where to start… the Sea itself, I suppose. It was… like being on an airplane, when it had just broken through the clouds. A rippling plane of pure white fluff, like cotton but… but _not._ Only, unlike on a plane, there wasn't a half-inch of clear plastic and a few inches of metal between me and the clouds. I reached my arm out over the edge and glided my hand through a swell of cloud that had drifted close to the Merry. I giggled euphorically as the cloud flowed through and around my fingers, like a more solid form of seafoam.

And the banks of Island Cloud floating around on the Sea's surface… geeze, like true-blue natural clouds, perfectly solid for the most part, yet jiggling and melding around. Gelatinous matter, malleable and yet firm. And they reached up, too. All around, I could see pillars and walls of the stuff, reaching up and up to form a pure white ceiling through which the rays of the sun were shining down.

It was incredible, it was awe-inspiring. To put it simply, it all but took my breath awa—

" _Gh…GRK!"_

Okay, maybe a bit more than 'all but'!

I shot my hand to my throat in shock, gasping and flapping my mouth as I _tried_ to breathe, but it was no use. Every breath I gulped down felt like half of a normal one, and my lungs weren't handling the deficit well, a fact which my spinning head was readily attesting to. All too soon I didn't have any other option but to fall to my knees, only just barely managing to keep myself from falling over.

"Cross? Cross!? Cross, what's wrong!?" I was vaguely aware of someone, Vivi maybe, grabbing my shoulder and shaking me slightly.

I wheezed and gasped as I thumped my fist against my chest, shaking my head desperately. "Can't… breathe…" I choked out miserably. "Need… _air…"_

"HELP! WE NEED A DOC—! WAIT! _I AM A DOCTOR! Lay Cross out on his back and hold him steady! I'm going to need a sterile blade, a straw—!"_

"GRGHHK!" I choked out desperately, fumbling out my baton and desperately swinging it at the brown blob in my fading vision.

Thankfully, a yellow-topped black blur coalesced itself in my field of vision, and before I could react, a metal mask was pressed onto my face. I gasped in shock from the action and was rewarded with a fresh breath of air entering my lungs.

"What the—?" I wheezed out as I clasped the mask to my face.

"One of the gas masks from the Krieg Pirates. I kept it in case we ever ran into another poison weapon, and it looks like it's a good thing I did," Sanji sighed in relief. "Seriously, Cross… are all people where you come from this weak?"

" _DON'T COMPARE ME TO MONSTERS LIKE YOU!_ MY HOME IS A HAVEN OF PEACE AND SANITY, LIKE THE EAST BLUE, BUT BETTER! For the most part, anyways…" I trailed off at the end.

" **DAMN, AUSTRALIA,** _ **you scary!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

"Yeah, there…" I jabbed my thumb at Soundbite with a nod before glaring daggers at the cook. "Besides, you're not coping as well as you think you are; try out some of your fancy footwork and see how you like it."

Sanji frowned at me in confusion before shrugging in agreement. He reeled his leg back and shot a few tentative kicks into the air, and frowned. Putting his foot down, he dropped down on his hands and went through series of impressive spinning kicks. And when he got up, he was panting like he'd just run a triple marathon.

"What the…?" he wheezed, doubled over on his knees

"We're nearly two dozen _thousand_ feet in the air," I grit out as I thumped my chest in an effort to work out the pain throbbing in my chest. "The air's about as thin as rice paper up here. My reaction might be bad, but you're no spring chicken either!"

"Ugh," Zoro grunted as he attempted some 'basic' two-sword techniques. "He's not kidding, this is rough…"

"Ergh, my stomach's spinning…" Luffy moaned, flopping on his back. "This'll take a few minutes to get used to."

"That's not a natural recovery rate…" Chopper sweatdropped uneasily.

"AND _you have_ **experience** _ **with people RECOVERING**_ _FROM THIN AIR?"_ Soundbite asked.

"I lived on top of a _mountain_ for ten months before I joined the crew. The _first_ lesson Doctorine gave me when we moved in was on how to deal with oxygen deprivation from high altitudes," Chopper deadpanned.

" _Point_ **taken**."

"I'm surprised, Mister Jeremiah, you don't often forget details of things that you're not supposed to know," Robin remarked, and whether it was the air or what she said—not something you'd expect in a casual conversation, to be sure—she seemed to be somewhat out of it herself.

"She has a point. That's supposed tah be Vivi's job," Carue remarked.

"Yeah, that's supposed to be my—CARUE!" Vivi shrieked indignantly, the dope-slap she gave the duck doing nothing to stifle his laughter, nor that of most of the rest of those onboard. Vivi turned scarlet, but fortunately for her, a distraction arose as Usopp leapt up onto the Merry's railing.

"I, THE GREAT SNIPER USOPP, SHALL BE THE FIRST TO SWIM IN THE OCEAN OF THE SKY!" he crowed enthusiastically.

"GO, USOPP, GO!" Luffy, Chopper and the Dugongs cheered.

"WAIT!" I interrupted, snapping my hand up and removing my mask to let my voice carry better.

"Huh?" Usopp glanced at me nervously. "W-what's wrong, Cross? Is this dangerous or—?"

I held my stance for a moment before smiling and jabbing my thumb at a nearby coil of rope. "Oh, nothing much, I was just going to suggest you tie yourself off to the Merry, is all. We're in the sky, after all. If the currents are even remotely directed by the wind, then who knows where you could be dragged off to."

Usopp paled in horror before nodding. "A-ah, right, good point… thanks, Cross!" And with that, he tied a length of rope around his waist and jumped into the wispy 'waters' below, the line trailing behind him as he swam.

I slipped my gas mask back on as we stood around and watched the waters silently for about a minute or so, at which point an uncomfortable atmosphere started to slowly spread amongst the rest of the crew. By then, I was quite glad for the gas mask, because it was hiding the absolutely shit-eating grin I was wearing.

"Cross…" Boss interjected slowly. "We might be several thousand feet above the ocean, but this is _still_ the Grand Line. Is there anything in the water we should look out for?"

"Pff…" I snickered slightly behind the mask. "Well, I did forget to warn him about the sky sharks…"

"Sky sharks?" Vivi repeated in horror.

"But don't worry, they… pff…" I barely suppressed a snort, my grin starting to hurt under the mask, while Soundbite didn't even bother to hide his banana-like smile. "They won't be a problem, we'd have seen motion if there was anything! I just— _pff!"_ I hunched over as I started to shake. " _Forgot to mention something, pffheeheeheehee!"_

"What did you _do,_ Cross?" Nami asked in a very slow and dangerous voice, her fingers twitching visibly at her sides.

Robin herself had a thoughtful expression, which swiftly snapped into shock as a thought struck her, a change that Vivi noticed instantly. "Something come to mind, Miss All-Sunday?" she asked slowly.

The assassin bit her lip nervously as she glanced over the edge of the ship. "We… are sailing in the middle of a cloud, correct?"

"Pff…"

"Wight…" Carue nodded in agreement.

"A cloud we reached by sailing up into it, correct?"

" _Pff…"_

"That fact is as indubitably correct as my beak is jaw-droppingly lustrous."

"Then it would be safe to assume… that this sea has no bottom, _correct?"_

Everyone fell silent apart from my own ill-suppressed laughter. At which point the coil of rope Usopp was tied to started _un-_ coiling at a lightning-fast pace, at which point I fucking _lost it._

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAHAHAHA!" I hollered, mask falling off as I pounded desperately at the Merry's railing, tears streaming down my eyes. "GUESS NOT! PFHAHAHAHAHA!"

"OOOOH MY GOOOOD!" Terry shouted, flapping his wings in a panic.

"SHIT!" the Monster Trio chorused, leaping at the rope and hastily grabbing it in an effort to stop it from going any further. The fact that Luffy promptly leapt back with a pained yelp and burned hands just made me laugh _harder._ Hell, I even kept laughing, albeit silently—no breath, you see—as Nami grabbed my collar with an incoherent howl and started shaking me like a ragdoll, joined swiftly by Vivi.

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY, JACKASS!" our resident princess snarled in my face.

"THEN WHY **are we** _ **LAUGHI-I-ING!?**_ **HAHAHA** _HEEHEEHEEhohoho!"_ Soundbite cackled madly.

I could see Vivi visibly wrestle with herself before sighing and lowering her head. "Okay, maybe it's a little funny…" Her eyes snapped up, the glare back on in full force. "BUT IT'S STILL NOT NICE!"

"Ya mean like breaking someone's nose isn't nice?" Lassoo asked.

Vivi whirled around and turned her glare on him, a slight aura rippling around her.

Lassoo huffed. "Shuttin' up now," he said, his voice unchanged from his usual lazy deadpan.

I giggled a little bit more, panting heavily from a combination of laughter and the thin air, before noticing the rate at which Zoro and Sanji were pulling up Usopp's rope. "Hey, you guys are gonna want to increase the pace! Usopp didn't just go freediving, he volunteered to act as _bait!"_

The swordsman and cook stiffened and exchanged panicked looks before triple-timing it.

Finally, the White Sea's surface burst open and disgorged our terror-K. sniper into the air… alongside the large sky-Sea Serpent that was following him and the sky-Octopus that was following _it._

"OOH, _**TAKOYAKI!**_ "

While Vivi, Carue and— …huh. Actually, only Vivi and Carue _actually_ screamed. Chopper's eyes had taken on a manic glint and he'd shot his hoof over his shoulder into his bag, while Nami… well, her eyes were wide open and she was visibly gritting her teeth, but she wasn't _actually_ screaming. Good for her!

Anyways, while the princess and her companion screamed their heads off, Zoro and Leo leapt off the ship at the sky-octopus with their swords drawn. The instant their blades met the tentacles, the limbs popped like Macy's blimps made out of rubber, letting out an absolutely _almighty_ bang.

Sanji and Boss, meanwhile, gave the serpent trying to swallow Usopp a thorough concussion-inducing thrashing before it could lay its fangs on either our ship or our crewmate. Chopper topped it all off by expertly tossing a vial of his so-called Cherry Blossom Blast down the serpent's gaping mouth…

 _POWIE!_

Which promptly detonated in a very impressive pink fireball, distending the beast's stomach before leaving it floating with pink smoke wafting from its mouth. I blinked in shock before I and most of the rest of the crew slowly turned to stare dumbfoundedly at the doctor.

"Hot damn, dude," I whistled in awe. I absently noted that I didn't seem to need the mask anymore; probably because my bout of laughter sped up acclimation.

" _MWAHAHAHAHA!"_ Chopper roared, his chest puffed out victoriously… for all that meant in his Brain Point. " _Yes, witness the might of the fruit of my mind,_ _ **TREMBLE BEFORE—**_ GRRGGHK!"

Chopper suddenly cut himself off and started slamming his hooves into his forehead, switching to grinding at his temples after a few seconds. That done, he sighed as the tension flowed out of his shoulders, waving his arms reassuringly. "I'm good, I'm good! I-I increased my intelligence on default when I got scared, but I'm back! So _don't hit me, damn it!"_

"Awww…" Mikey, Luffy and I whined as we relaxed back from getting ready to concuss him.

" _WHY DO YOU SOUND SO DISAPPOINTED!?"_

Meanwhile, Robin was standing over at the edge of the ship and inspecting the yet-floating remains of our attackers. "How curious…"

"It's the Grand Line, Robin," I dryly noted. "Sea, sky, or hell, even land; things just keep getting curiouser and curiouser."

"Lewis Carroll?" Robin questioned, smiling slightly. "I hope you're not going to tell me that we'll have to deal with a grinning cat, size-altering mushrooms, or anthropomorphic cards, are you?"

"I can't say for certain that we will _not._ Still, while we're on the analogy, was Reverse Mountain one _hell_ of a rabbit hole or—?"

"WAAAAAGH!"

Our conversation was suddenly cut off by the till-then-comatose Usopp jerking up and flailing in panic.

"What now?!" Sanji demanded with a growl.

"T-T-THERE'S SOMETHING IN MY PANTS!" Usopp screamed, scrambling with his lower garments and tossing a flailing flounder-like fish onto the deck.

I cocked an eyebrow as I eyed the flopping fish. "Well, now… that's not something you see every day."

" _ **FEELIN' LONELY,**_ **were** _ya?"_ Soundbite cackled.

"Screw… you… slimeball…" Usopp grit out as he finally calmed down. "And Cross… well… thanks for telling me to put on the rope. BUT WOULD IT HAVE KILLED YOU TO TELL ME NOT TO SWIM SO FAR THAT I'D FALL OUT OF THE FREAKING SKY!?

"Oh, come on, Usopp," I snickered as I waved my hand airily. "Even if that _wasn't_ something that you should have been able to figure out on your own with your genius mind, can't you take a joke?"

"A JOKE?! HOW WAS THAT A JOKE? WOULD _YOU_ HAVE LIKED IT IF—?" He paused, and reconsidered with a grimace. "Never mind, you probably _would_ have liked it if we did that to you…"

"Lemme go and get my bathing suit!" I grinned eagerly and started to dash for the trapdoor to the guy's room—

 _SLAM!_

Before I was laid out flat with a nice and smoking lump on my skull.

"NOT ON YOUR LIFE, JACKASS!" Nami raged.

"Hmm, interesting…" Attention was drawn away from me by Robin, who had picked up the fish Usopp had… _donated,_ and was examining it closely. "This fish appears to have adapted to suit its environment in the cloud sea…"

"Makes sense," Boss shrugged as he chomped down on a fresh cigar and started patting down his shell. "We Grand Line creatures have adapted _real_ fast-like over the past centuries, so as to keep up with the counter-adaptation of countless _other_ species trying their damnedest to eat us."

"So the reason that Dugongs evolved sea-turtle shells is… protection from sharks?" Nami asked. "Or just naturally guarding weak spots so you can focus on martial arts?"

Boss froze for a moment before redoubling his self-patting. "Er, yes, those reasons are good," he muttered… _was that a BLUSH?_

"Actuawwy—!" Carue started to raise his wing… before he and Vivi froze on account of the weapons being jabbed in their faces by the TDWS.

" _Not a damn word out of you,_ " they growled in sync.

Once the native Alabastans nodded and were released, I sidled up to Vivi and gave her a surreptitious glance. "And the reason for _that_ not-so-passive-aggressive treatment was…?"

Vivi gulped heavily as she continued to eye the Dugongs. "I don't trust Soundbite not to burst out laughing when he hears it—!"

I slammed my hand down on Soundbite's shell, forcing him inside.

"That works. And anyway, all I know is a rumor, but… from the way some marine biologists tell it, one generation there were two distinct populations of sea turtles and manatees, the next…"

I was silent for a moment as I digested the implications.

"Please tell me you're not saying what I think you're saying."

"She didn't say anythin'," Carue muttered with a roll of his eyes. " _They_ all but confahmed it."

" _DAMN IT!"_

The three of us jumped in shock, though thankfully it appeared that Boss's ire wasn't directed at _us._

"Tsk, I lost my flint-rocks while towin' us to the Knock-Up Stream…" he growled darkly before perking up at Sanji. "Hey, got a light?"

"Yeah, sure thing, Boss," Sanji nodded, kneeling down and flicking his lighter beneath the Dugong's cigar. It took a few tries, no doubt due to the thin oxygen levels and the thing being ever so slightly cloud-logged, but he eventually got a small flame going and managed to light both of their… cancer-sticks? If they even _had_ cancer in this world, considering the _natural_ regeneration rate these people's cells had. Though, considering how cancer works, that might make things _worse_.

Either way, Boss took a deep drag from his cigar, blew out a cloud and nodded gratefully. "Thanks, Sanji. I can only imagine what I'd do without my cigs!"

 _BOOM!_

It was at that exact moment that an explosion blew a plume of Sea Clouds up and over the edge of the Merry, soaking most of us and extinguishing both of the smoker's fixes. They stared blankly at said fixes for a few moments. Then…

"…You know, true masters sometimes take a vow of silence," Boss ground out slowly. "And since it seems that we can't go one fucking hour without someone saying something provocative and bringing some freak force of nature down on us, I'm starting to wonder if I should try it myself."

"Maybe so, but for now…" Sanji slowly stood back up and turned to glare bloody murder at the berserker that was fast approaching us.

I grit my teeth as I saw Wiper coming closer. Honestly, all I had to do was have Soundbite Gastro-Amp me so I could say something like 'Light the fire of Shandora' or 'Descendant of the Great Warrior Calgara' or 'We're here in the name of Montblanc Noland.' Any of those would give the Shandian warrior—hell, _any_ Shandian, period—enough pause to listen to reason. So, why wasn't I doing it?

Because that would mean juggling getting the Shandians on our side to rush Upper Yard at just the right time, and while I'll willingly admit to taking a few courses in 'manipulative bastardry' recently, that game was too big for me to play. Still, it couldn't hurt to make it so we were on neutral terms as opposed to bad. Now, how to do that…

I pondered it, staying as out of the way as I could as the Monster Trio attempted to subdue Wiper, with much more success than the curb-stomp in canon thanks to realizing the limitation of the thin air. But what was I supposed to—wait, _that_ could work.

"Lassoo! Cani-Slick!"

Lassoo glanced at me quizzically, but then nodded, and shifted into his hybrid form before spraying Wiper with a concentration of octopus ink. As effective as an oil slick, Wiper's skates lost any semblance of traction, and he fell on his ass.

Unfortunately, so did Luffy, Zoro and Sanji.

"WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA, CROSS?!" the Monster Trio chorused angrily.

"WHAT VILE SUBSTANCE IS THIS?!" Wiper snarled in return, trying and failing to get back to his feet. The TDWS took full advantage of the distraction, their bodies built more to thrive than struggle on the slick surface. Raphey and Leo positioned themselves on either side of him, Donny standing behind him, and Mikey standing in front, weapons drawn and pointed at him. Wiper glowered. "Insolent Blue Sea Dwellers. I _will_ eliminate—"

"Can it, cloud-skater. We don't want any trouble with you, so why did you attack us?" I cut in.

Wiper glared defiantly, and began shifting around. I snapped at Lassoo, and he started padding forwards, growling viciously with his hackles raised.

"Make one false move, and the next thing he shoots will be a bomb. Point-blank range, how high do you think your odds are? Just answer the question; we won't attack if you won't."

Wiper glowered again before scoffing. "I'll answer that question with one of my own: why did you come here? What business do you have here?"

"Our idiot captain," I deadpanned, pointing at the rubber idiot in question as he flailed on the deck and tried to get back to his feet in _classic_ Three Stooges manner. "The second he heard about there being an island in the _sky,_ he didn't care what we had to do, he only cared that we got up here, period. Much to our detriment…" I muttered the last bit darkly.

" **EXPRESS ROUTE,** _BA-BY!"_ Soundbite whooped eagerly.

Wiper glanced at my shoulder. "What—"

"Devil Fruit," came no fewer than a dozen deadpan voices.

"Right…" Wiper trailed off slowly before tensing as he processed _what_ Soundbite had said. "Wait, 'express—!' You took the Knock-Up Stream!?"

"Eeyu—ACK!" I started to nod before being cut off by Nami grabbing my collar and _hauling me a foot off the goddamn ground!_

"THERE WERE OTHER OPTIONS!?" she shrieked, her teeth almost morphing into fangs she was so pissed.

"So, I take it you _didn't_ enjoy the ri— _SHITSHITSHITWAITNO—!"_

 _SPLASH!_

God _damn_ that woman was strong.

I hacked and wheezed up a lungful of fluffy cloud once I managed to get back to the surface, glaring at the deck. "OVERREACT MUCH?"

"GO DROWN, JACKASS!"

"LATER! FOR NOW, _THROW ME A GODDAMN LINE ALREADY!"_

Once I was back on deck and relatively dried off, I gave the navigator a flat look. "OK, two things you need to know. First, let me remind you that if we had tried looking for any of those other ways, we wouldn't have gotten away from Sengoku's taskforce! And second, while I did know there were other options, I _don't_ know what or where they are; all I know about them is that they're _even more_ dangerous. Sure, with the Knock-Up Stream, all of us could have died, but any of the other ways, some of us _would_ have died."

I didn't wait for her to reply before looking back at Wiper, who I could _feel_ smirking at me from beneath his mask. "What the hell are you so smug about, ass—!"

 _THWACK!_

" _Meep…"_ I whimpered about two octaves higher than normal as I collapsed to my knees, clutching my throbbing... manliness. Why, oh, _why_ had I not bought a fucking _cup!?_

Vivi spared me a thoroughly annoyed glance as she stepped past me before adopting a far more serene expression. "I apologize for Cross, Mister… um…"

"I am part of the Shandian tribe. That will do," he said firmly.

"Mister Shandian, then. Cross has a habit of making enemies just as, if not more, often than he makes friends. Believe me, he agitates us all, often for his own enjoyment. Allow me to make some introductions: I am Nefertari Vivi, and these are my friends. We are the Strawhat Pirates. It is an honor to be here on the seas of your home."

Vivi capped it all off with a polite bow.

Wiper stared at her silently for a moment before shifting his stance so as to cross his arms. "Why did you come here to the White Sea?" he grunted.

Vivi held up her hands in a show of surrender. "As Cross was saying, we're just here to take in the sights; a voyage of curiosity, nothing more. We don't want any trouble. Heck, we don't even cause any trouble normally."

"She's… telling the truth. We've never been the ones to throw the first punch," Nami hedged, pointedly _not_ averting her eyes from the berserker.

Wiper slowly swept his eyes over the deck, taking in everyone: the Monster Trio's determined expressions, the TDWS and Boss's ready stances, Usopp and Carue's panicking forms...

Finally, he grunted and nodded slowly. "You might be telling the truth."

I considered relaxing for a moment, save for the unspoken words in his tone of voice.

I wasn't the only one who heard it either. "But?" Vivi asked, frowning and tensing up cautiously.

"But you might not be…" Wiper jerked his Burn Bazooka up, pointing it straight down at Merry's deck. "And I'm not willing to take that chance."

"Even if it means dying with us?" I snapped. "Fair warning, you touch our ship, we touch you in such a way that you don't get _un-_ touched! Do you not have _anyone_ back home who would miss you, or who would need your strength? Is the risk worth that much to you?"

Wiper stayed still for a moment before chuckling darkly. "That's not a good question to ask me, Blue Sea Dweller, and let me tell you why. Up here, I'm known…"

Wiper's middle finger jerked, and the smell of rotten eggs flared out across the deck.

" _As the Berserker."_

"SHIT!" I barked, jerking away in panic. I tensed in preparation for the oncoming explosion…

"ENOUGH, WIPER!"

When the standoff was _thankfully_ interrupted by a bellow from an old man in plate armor wielding a lance and riding a large bird, who dove and struck at Wiper with what I'm pretty sure were only barely subsonic speeds.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on where you stood), Wiper managed to snap his shield up and catch the Sky Knight's weapon before it could strike him. Thankfully enough, the force was enough to shove Wiper clean off the Merry's deck and send him tumbling into the White Sea.

We waited tensely for a few moments, scanning the misty-white waters for any signs of our attacker, and ultimately relaxed when nothing came of it.

"It would seem that he's gone…" Gan Fall mused as he touched down on the deck.

Vivi frowned miserably and bowed her head as she crossed her arms. "I… I thought I was getting through to him…" she muttered dejectedly.

"Hey, it's not your fault, Vivi!" I said, giving her shoulder a consoling pat. "You heard the guy, he called himself a berserker! Let's be honest, the chances of him agreeing on a truce weren't that high to begin with."

"Your friend is quite right… Vivi, was it?" Gan Fall nodded in solemn agreement. "I apologize for the actions of the man who assaulted you. He has a strong reputation for being headstrong and acting brashly, but…" He glanced sadly out at the sea. "I assure you, he means well."

"We'll take your word for it," Boss grunted as he glared balefully at his soaked cigar before turning his gaze on the knight. "But who are you? A friend of his?"

"Friend?" Gan Fall mused before shaking his head with a sigh. "No, far from it; we have a common enemy, but we have never considered each other as allies against him. No," He pounded his fist into his chest confidently. "I am the Sky Knight, a soldier for hire. My name is Gan Fall, and this is my partner Pierre."

"Bienvenue!" the bird saluted before recoiling at the _truly_ snooty French-waiter accent he'd squawked in. " _Sapristi!_ What ze 'ell—?"

"Could you get _any_ more stereotypical?" I deadpanned.

" **One day…"** Soundbite sighed euphorically.

"Ah…?" Gan Fall started slowly.

"The Strawhat Translation Service, brought to you by our resident Noise-Noise Fruit-empowered jackass of a snail, Soundbite," Lassoo yawned. "Live it, hate it, dream of mauling him one day."

"Hey, you don't see any of us complaining," Mikey piped up.

"YEAH! SOME OF US ACTUALLY APPRECIATE THE SKILL NEEDED TO TRANSLATE THE VOCABULARY OF SOMEONE AS _POWERFUL_ AS ME!" Terry agreed exuberantly.

"I have to admit, my voith is stawting to gwow on me," Carue reluctantly admitted.

"Aye do believe that I could get used to zees as well…" Pierre mused before raising his wing and starting to sing some bars. "La- _la-la-La—!"_

"Sky Knight or not, aren't knights supposed to ride on horses?" Raphey asked, tilting her head. Gan Fall tore his attention away from the new development, and chuckled.

"As a matter of fact, Pierre is no ordinary bird; for you see, he too has eaten a most unique fruit! He has eaten the Horse-Horse Fruit, enabling him to transform into—"

"A _PEGASUS?!_ **OH, this is** _ **too good!**_ " Soundbite cackled.

" _La-la-_ **LA!** Hey, what the—!?" Pierre squawked in protest as his voice went from Frenchy to, well… _pony._

I slapped my face, hard. "I had. To fucking. Ask. When am I ever going to learn not to give you-know-who an excuse to play more merry hell with my sanity?" I then proceeded to glare sidelong at Soundbite. "And you realize that Twi—" I cut myself as I realized just who I was surrounded by. "…that _she_ is a," I gestured at my forehead. "And not a pegasus, right?"

" _Would you_ **prefer** PINKIE PIE?" Soundbite asked curiously.

"…never mind. Anyway, before I completely lose it, you were saying something about being a soldier-for-hire? Does that mean we owe you money for saving us?"

"WHAT?" Nami shrieked as she snapped her Clima-Tact out and jabbed it at the knight, and I breathed a mental sigh of relief as her anger redirected everyone's attention. "YOU'LL GET A SINGLE BERI OVER MY COLD, DEAD BODY!"

"Oh, no, no, this time is free of charge," Gan Fall said hastily. "But I have to make a living too, you know; if you need me again, it will cost 5 million extol."

"FIVE MILLION—wait, what's extol?" Nami asked curiously before going straight back to vicious. "AND THAT'S STILL TOO MUCH!"

"You don't even know the exchange rate yet…" I groused.

"Oh, and you—? …of course you do. What is it, then?" Nami leered at me.

"Uh…" I counted down on my fingers curiously before giving my best estimate. "Few thousand extol per beri, if I remember correctly."

Nami blinked as she calculated that out. "So, somewhere in the ballpark of a thousand or so beri… THAT'S A RIPOFF!"

"THAT'S THE PRICE OF A FUCKING SODA, WOMAN, THAT'S A _STEAL!"_ I spat back indignantly.

"Ah, wait, wait!" Gan Fall waved his hands hastily, obviously trying to keep up with us. "You-you mean to say that you do not have any extol? But how is that possible? Surely you should have picked some up on the previous islands on your way here, no?"

Nami continued to glare daggers at me for a second longer before crossing her arms with a snort. "We were in a bit of a rush back down at Sea Level, so we took the only way up we had. We _just_ got here a few minutes ago."

"My word…" Gan Fall breathed in awe as he stared at us, his eyes wide with disbelief. "So there are still people brave enough to ride the Knock-Up Stream. I didn't think there was anyone else left in the world who was that bold! You must be navigators of exceptional bravery and skill."

"O-oh, well now…" Nami paused in a taken-aback manner, a luminescent blush painting her cheeks. "T-that's very nice of you to say and I appreciate the compliment but _THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I'M PAYING YOU THAT GODDAMN MUCH!"_

"Oh, no no no!" Gan Fall shook his hands hastily. "I could never make sailors so brave as you pay. Well… too much, at any rate. Here," the knight dug a whistle out and tossed it to Vivi, who nearly fumbled the catch in surprise. "It's a whistle. Blow it, and I shall come to your aid wherever you might be, free of charge, but only once. I gift it to you in honor of your immense bravery!"

The knight then proceeded to sling his leg over Pierre's back, who was still glaring daggers at Soundbite and making the inestimably impressive decision to not say jack. The giga-bird's musculature then morphed into a… _less_ than impressive pegasus. "FARE THEE WELL, BRAVE TRAVELERS!" he called out before he was carried off into the sky.

But not without one last shot at my sanity in the form of Isaiah flying up and perching on Pierre's head.

"I'm on a horse," he stated in a _stupidly_ smug tone of voice.

 _THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!_

I barely noticed the bemused looks everyone gave me as I rammed my head into Merry's mast.

"…Am I missing something?" Gan Fall asked.

"It's a private joke, apparently, and I think we're all better off if it _stays_ private," Nami muttered.

Gan Fall shrugged in acceptance, and as he and the still-steadfastly silent Pierre flew away, I slowly pulled away from the mast and turned my eyes back on Vivi, my expression carefully neutral. "Right… first things first."

 _THWACK!_

"OW!" Vivi yelped, clutching her skull as I rapped my fist on it.

"STOP GOING FOR MY BALLS!" I roared furiously. "You hit me, I hit you, and I _still_ owe you for that bit before Jaya, so _watch your goddamn back!"_ I took a moment to huff and get the rage out of my system before heaving a sigh and marginally relaxing. "And second… nice going, princess. That was some damn fine work; if we meet Wiper again, I think we have a much better chance of being neutral rather than enemies."

Vivi stared at me uncertainly for a few seconds before smiling. "Thanks, Cross."

I smiled back, but that smile faded as I turned to address the rest of the crew. "Now, everyone, listen up. This is _extremely_ important."

I abruptly had everyone's attention.

"Once we reach the White-White Sea—that would be the upper layer of the Cumuloregalis, about 11,000 feet above us—I'm not going to be able to talk freely about what I know. Really sensitive stuff and all that. Everything will be fine for the immediate future, and I'll tell you about the rough stuff when the rough gets going. But until the day after tomorrow, don't ask me about anything that I shouldn't know. Otherwise… well, let's just say that failure up here is not an option for anyone with a conscience. Got it?"

A round of nods and affirmative statements, shaky and confident alike, started coming at me from the rest of the crew.

"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to be writing down what's going to happen so I don't have to say it out loud when the time is right. Robin, care to help me out?"

"Me?" she asked in surprise.

"Her?" concurred many others.

"Well, I could use an extra set of hands or ten to make copies, and she's the only one of us who has any decent amount of experience at keeping her trap shut despite knowing that one slip-up could get her dead."

"Excuse me?" Vivi snapped indignantly, only to wilt under glares from Zoro, Nami, Soundbite, and myself. "…One slip of the tongue one time, and you just can't let it go, can you?"

"NO."

I then proceeded to grin cheekily. "Plus, Robin would just use her powers to peek anyway; this way, I imagine she'll enjoy helping me with figuring out how to properly mess with you all."

Robin blinked at me curiously, before grinning with equal cheekiness and slinking by me on the way to the kitchen. "You know me _so_ well, Mister Jeremiah," she crooned.

I stiffened and rammed my knuckles into my thigh in an effort to calm myself before pinning a cold glare at her. "Move along."

Thankfully, she was content to do so with an airy chuckle… that had Sanji glaring blazing daggers at me. I responded with a flat 'fuck-off' look before looking over at Usopp. "And by the way, I'm gonna want to talk to you once I'm done. And bring your tools; you're gonna have to work fast."

"Does that involve me, too?" Lassoo asked cautiously.

"It could if you want it to," I offered, before pausing as a thought struck me. "It could also involve a discussion with Chopper about Rumble Balls…?"

Lassoo snorted and waved his paw. "Pass. I'm a gun that can turn into a dog, I'm badass enough already. I already let these two dig around in me before and it was a miracle that the only thing to go wrong was the oil, I'm not letting them go for round two."

"HEY!" the doctor and sniper yelled in offense.

I settled for shrugging indifferently. "Fair enough. Anyway, let's get sailing, people. Set sail for that cloudfall over yonder!" I indicated the horizon before heading up towards the cabin.

As I mounted the stairs, I heard Boss heave a heavy sigh. "Is anyone else starting to get tired of his cryptic-ass Sea King shite?"

I barked out a laugh and waved over my shoulder. "Love you too, Boss."

One nice thing about the White Sea was that, being this high in the atmosphere, there wasn't any of the crazy Grand Line weather we usually had to deal with. This was probably the calmest the sea had been since sailing to Loguetown, and most of us took the time to relax, even Nami; I guess having extraordinarily mild weather and a clear landmark to navigate to just made it too easy, especially after the hell that was the Grand Line's weather.

Hence, everyone took the time to relax in their own ways. Some trained, some slept, some leapt overboard and went sightseeing…

And me? Well, with Robin's help, I managed to get nine copies of the notes detailing everything relevant I could remember involving Eneru, the priests, and the Enforcers, as well as a basic outline of the war's events up until Luffy defeated Eneru. I also put in the notes about the few Shandians I remembered by name, what to say to convince them that we were on their side, and which ones would listen to reason. Thinking about it, I also threw in a warning about Nola; with any luck, she'd listen to us. And finally, I made sure to emphasize how important it would be to steal any and all Dials from the Priests or Enforcers that they defeated, or at any opportunity they got. With that much more firepower in our collective arsenal, with any luck, we'd be able to deal with any inevitable curveballs in the coming arcs that the great butterfly in the sky would flap our way.

"Are you sure that we don't need more than this, Mister Jeremiah?" Robin asked quietly.

"Nah, we've got enough," I shook my head as I read them over, double-checking the facts I'd gotten down. "One copy each for you, Zoro, Nami, Usopp, Sanji, Chopper, Vivi, Boss, and the TDWS to split. Luffy wouldn't want one, and really, he doesn't _need_ it."

"I was more referring to the fact that you've only given the most basic details regarding events that, if left unchanged, would result in the destruction of an entire island and thousands of lives," she replied warily, looking through her own packet with unease. "I assume you can understand why that bothers me."

I shrugged as I started sliding the packets into my messenger bag. "I get your trepidation, I really do, but honestly, as the involvement of your…" I shuddered heavily as my shoulder burned. "Shall we say, _ex-furry friends_ demonstrated, the world has a tendency to auto-correct things so that fate flows as it's meant to. No guarantees, mind you, human error and all that, but…"

I shrugged helplessly. "Really, now, what more can I do? If they rely too much on details that don't happen, things could end up worse than anticipated. And believe me…" serpentguy's story flitted through my mind, drawing out a shiver. "I've _seen_ worse. It doesn't end pretty. At least this way, there's a chance that if all goes well, we'll be able to save Angel Island. And if not… we'll at least cut down on how many people die or, at minimum, fry. If that's all I can do, then I have to be satisfied with it."

Robin looked at me with an appraising, curious expression. "If I can't ask how you know all of this—"

"Crew's right out there, I'm certain they'll be all ears," I deadpanned, jabbing my thumb over my shoulder.

Robin twitched slightly before moving on. "—then may I ask why you follow the path that your knowledge lays out for you, knowing all of the difficulties and dangers along the way? I never had a choice, but as you have no bounty… yet, at any rate, I can only assume that you chose this path willingly, even knowing how much things could go wrong. So, why did you do it?"

I blinked in surprise before chuckling darkly. "Well, believe me, it wasn't my choice at first; suffice to say I got a bit mouthy, one thing led to another, and I wound up in the East Blue. After that, I got lucky enough to run into Luffy and the Straw Hats of the time, who were just everyone from Sanji down and… well…" I trailed off as I remembered that day.

I leaned back in my seat and crossed my arms behind my head as I gazed up at the ceiling. "I'll be honest… I originally planned on joining the Strawhats for the same reason as you: survival. I knew they were strong, I knew they were… relatively morally upstanding, and while their journey was never going to be safe, at least I'd be with the people who'd ultimately pull through."

"But something happened," Robin divined.

My eyes glazed over slightly as I remember the exact moment she was unwittingly referring to.

" _I'm gonna be king of the pirates!"_

I grinned warmly at that particular memory. "Yeah, something happened alright: the force of nature that is Monkey D. goddamn Luffy. The guy's hopeless in a number of ways. He can't swing a sword worth a damn, can't cook for shit, can't navigate, can't lie, no medical skills I'd let him try on me, he's a bottomless pit, and on his intelligence…"

" _A GOOFBALL!_ **A wingnut!** _ **A KNUCKLEHEAD MCSPAZATRON!"**_ Soundbite eagerly provided.

I cocked my eyebrow at him. "Didn't you use that one back when we first _met_ the crew?"

"HEY, _YOU'RE NOT the only one_ **reminiscing!** _ **Talking about back then**_ **SPARKED MY—** _say, did we_ EVER **PAY** LUFFY **BACK FOR** _ **KNOCKING US OUT**_ OF THAT TREE?"

I frowned. "You know what, I don't think we ever did," I muttered darkly. "We've gotten him a few times for a few things, but… we'll have to work on that."

"Your point, Mister Jeremiah, about our captain's many faults?" Robin asked, though her smile distinctly said she didn't mind the delay.

I snapped my attention back to her. "As I was saying, for all that Luffy's got flaws, making fast friends isn't one of them. I planned on joining the Strawhat Pirates for my own benefit, but…" I chuckled and shrugged helplessly. "Instead I got ensnared and drawn into this life hook, line, sinker and rod. I tried to keep it intellectual, to play it safe, but they had other ideas. Simply put… I intended to simply sail _with_ the Strawhats, but instead, at some point or another I _became_ a Strawhat. And honestly, it's not like I was protesting all that much."

"That's intriguing, Mister Jeremiah, but I'm not sure that it answers my original question."

I shrugged. "95% of my knowledge is centered around the Straw Hat Pirates, their lives, and their journey. I originally joined them so that I could use that knowledge and stay safe."

Robin cocked an eyebrow, no doubt at my tone of voice. "But no longer, I take it?"

I smiled wistfully as I nodded in agreement. "I'm no longer content with just 'knowing' the journey, Robin. Now… now I want to be a _part_ of it."

Robin processed that for a moment before glancing back at her notes. "And despite everything, the life-threatening situations, the opposing pirates, the abuse at the hands of your fellow crewmates—"

"Hey, it's not like they're actively aiming to _hurt_ -hurt me!" I promptly defended. "There's a world of emotional pain between getting clocked over the head by a closed fist and getting a slap from an open hand. And besides, I used to be a _lot_ more squishy. It's actually kind of nice to be able to take hits and keep on rolling without worry!"

"…I do believe you could have used a better word than 'squishy,' Mister Jeremiah. But that aside, with all of that as well as how little you imply that you're capable of changing the outcome, you still believe that following the path your knowledge leads you down has more good than bad?"

I nodded without hesitation. "By a long shot. It's hard at times, and I'll admit that certain events could shatter all the confidence I have, but I know that I'm still on the right path; when all is said and done, I have confidence in following my dreams."

Robin gave a sigh. "Then I hope you're prepared for the disappointment that will come one day."

I couldn't suppress a wince at hearing the sheer _brokenness_ in her voice. I hesitated for a minute before speaking up again. "Tomorrow, when we set out again… do your best to find your way to Shandora."

Robin glanced up at me curiously. "And the reason for this prompting is…?"

I considered for a moment before spreading my hands helplessly. "Because while it will be a hard and perilous journey, those are the most rewarding journeys of all."

The archaeologist pondered what I was saying, before smiling and nodding lightly, and unless I was mistaken, I saw hope in her expression. "Very well, then, I'll just have to trust you… Cross."

I smiled back before standing up and walking to the door. "I'm going to hang on to the rest of these notes until we get ready to go," I said as I opened it. Then I blinked as I took in our progress towards the gate. Or what little we'd made, at any rate.

"Huh, looks like we finished with plenty of time to spare. Well…" I grinned viciously as I trailed my hand into my bag. "Only one thing for it, then. After all, we can't leave all those poor, delusional bastards in Marineford hoping we died, can we?" I sent an inquiring glance back at Robin. "Don't suppose I can get you to guest-star for a bit, can I? Maybe even make it sound like a coincidence and get them searching the skies for you in vain?"

Robin visibly pondered that for a moment, giving my proposition much more consideration than she had the last time I'd asked before shaking her head. "Thank you, Cross, but no. I'd like to imagine that I still have some measures of good will left with the World Government, and I'd rather refrain from needlessly reducing them to ash."

I shrugged indifferently. "If that's your choice, so be it. For now, though," I unhooked the transceiver mic and stepped outside. "Wish me luck!"

 **-o-**

" _Don don don don!"_

" **DAMN IT!"**

Kizaru glanced upwards and whistled as something akin to an explosion shook the main tower of Marineford, causing no small amount of plaster to rain down on him. "Hmm… Looks like the boss isn't that happy the Strawhats survived." He then glanced down at the snail ringing on his desk and hummed contemplatively. "Hm… what to do, what to do… pick up and see if they actually made it to Sky Island, most likely pissing off Sengoku in the process, or just go for a walk around Sabaody and see what comes up."

He stretched slightly in his seat as he contemplated matters of deep, _deep_ importance, before he ultimately shrugged and aimed a finger-pistol at the Snail. "Eh, I've got nothing better to do."

And with that, he shot the mic off the back of the ringing snail with a bolt of light, causing the frightened gastropod to perk up with a cocky expression. " _Three and two and one and we are_ live! _Good afternoon, loyal listeners, and allow me to say that—!"_

" _DOUBLE SUN POWER!"_

" _GAH!"_ Cross yelped in shock as the sound of flapping came over the connection. " _What the hell are you—!?"_

" _I'M INTERRUPTING YOUR WEAK-ASS INTRODUCTION! ONLY MEMBERS OF THE BEAR-GLOVE TRIBE ARE_ POWERFUL _ENOUGH TO INFORM THE WORLD THAT IT'S TIME TO START THE SBS!"_

" _GET THE HELL OFF MY HEAD, YOU FEATHERY MENACE!"_ Cross roared indignantly.

"WHAT HE SAID! _STOPPING_ _ **Cross from**_ **starting the SBS** is _**MY SCHTICK!**_ " Soundbite barked in agreement.

" _GOODBYE!"_ the foreign voice cried before apparently flapping away again. Incoherent grumbling came across the speaker before Cross spoke again.

" _Viewers? If you care about your sanity,_ do. Not. ASK. _And stay away from Jaya, too, particularly the jungle. Ergh, sweet mother of… Anyway! You no doubt want to know whether or not we managed to reach Sky Island! Well, listeners, the answer is a big fat yes!… but also no. You see, there is not merely an island up here in the sky, but a sea… a sea made of_ clouds! _I realize, of course, that this must sound insane, but I assure you, I am_ not _speaking out of my ass! We are currently sailing on a sea of pure filmy white 'liquid', though I hesitate to call it that, having touched it for myself. Words… fail to describe the sheer_ beauty _of what I'm seeing right now…"_

Kizaru whistled in awe as he eyed the snail. "Well, well, it looks like they actually managed to make it. I'm quite impressed. Wonder if I'll actually get to meet—"

 _BANG!_

Kizaru blinked in surprise as he crossed his eyes in order to glance up at the swiftly-closing hole in his forehead before turning his gaze on the wall of his office behind his Transponder Snail. "A problem, Vice-Admiral Brett?"

"YOU SHOT ME _AGAIN,_ YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" an agonized bellow echoed through the wall, aided by the fact that said wall looked more like swiss cheese than an architectural structure. "STOP SHOOTING YOUR DAMN SNAIL AND ACTUALLY GET UP TO ANSWER IT FOR ONCE!

"Ah, really, again? Whoops, my bad. This is what, the tenth time?"

" _SCREW YOU, ASSHOLE!"_

"Well, no need to be _rude…"_

 **-o-**

" _But oddly enough, despite us being… HEY, NAMI! IMPERIAL TO METRIC, HOW HIGH ARE WE?… THANKS! As I was saying, despite us being 7,000 meters above the sea, we still haven't reached the island our Log Pose is pointing to yet. That's right, listeners, our journey is only partially complete! We're currently on our way to where I assume we'll find the way up to our destination, located_ 10,000 _meters above the sea."_

"An ocean in the clouds actually exists… hmm. I would have expected it to be difficult to breathe at that altitude, but it seems that they're having no trouble," Koshiro reflected.

"Sensei, is Zoro really up there? There's really islands up there?" the young students clamored.

"Well, I can't claim to have seen them myself, but I think I'm more inclined to believe Cross than not," the swordmaster replied, looking curiously at the snail.

"Awesome! I wanna go up there!"

" _Unfortunately, viewers, it's not all euphoria and beauty up here; within minutes of arriving, we became acquainted with the local wildlife—including sharks, sea serpents, and octopi—followed by meeting a guerilla warrior—that's the war term, not the primate—who tried to blow us apart as soon as he saw us. We were only saved thanks to a mercenary riding an oversized bird that ate the Horse-Horse Fruit. Does that last part sound cool?"_

"NOT SO MUCH, **suckers** ," Soundbite piped up.

" _No kidding, you wouldn't expect a pegasus to be so unimpressive. Besides, Pierre's big enough to ride without being a Zoan, and he clearly hasn't put any effort into actually exploring the usefulness of his powers… hmm. I should have told him to do that. Well, we'll probably meet again. Ah, hey! We're getting close to… wow, some kind of gate? Geeze, this place is_ loads _more civilized than anyone could have suspected! Well, a quick guess says that things are going to get real hectic, real fast. So, sorry for the brevity, but for the moment and probably returning later today, this is Jeremiah Cross—"_

" **AND SOUNDBITE!"**

" _Signing off!"_

"Well, so much for not making a habit of broadcasting three times a day," Koshiro muttered as the snail fell asleep again.

"Uh, sensei?" one of his students raised his hand curiously.

"Yes?"

"Why are you saying that like it's a bad thing?"

Koshiro opened his mouth to respond… then closed it. "Good point, thank you."

 **-o-**

"Hot damn…" I whistled as I gazed up at the cloud-fall reaching up into the heavens before us. If I'd thought the damn thing was massive from a distance, it was absolutely titanic up close! And the architecture of Heaven's Gate was quite awe-inspiring as well… though apparently it'd panicked more than a few other members of the crew.

"That name does not fill me with confidence…" Usopp swallowed nervously.

"Oh, so dat ain't just me?" Carue quacked in agreement.

"Oh, calm down!" Boss scoffed with a waved hand. "Ya bunch of pussies. I, for one, think this to be exciting! For to storm the very gates of Heaven itse—ERK!" The dugong froze as a cyan rod of metal tapped itself on top of his shell.

"Not the time, _got it?"_ Nami stated frigidly.

"Yes'm."

"Good."

"Woohoo!" Luffy cheered eagerly. "Heaven, heaven, we're all going to heaven!"

"This is going to be quite the experience…" Robin mused.

"Never expected to get up _here_ in any sense of the word, did ya?" I grinned cheekily. I then proceeded to grimace as a hand slapped against the back of my head. "Okay, bad taste, my bad."

"Anything we should look out for, Cross?" Vivi asked as she examined the gateway.

"Ehh…" I mused slightly before nodding as I pointed out the door that had opened in the structure. "Eeyup, over there."

"Pardon me," Amazon called out as she started clicking images with her Vision Dial. "But are you here as tourists or as invaders?" She didn't give us a chance to respond before continuing. "Either way, it doesn't matter. If you wish to ascend to the White-White Sea, the price is one billion extols per person. That is the law."

Sanji paled in horror as he took in the gatekeeper. "Please tell me that not all angels look that old up here…" he whimpered pitifully.

"Don't worry, you'll be fine," I muttered as I rolled my eyes.

"THANK GOD!"

I wisely decided _not_ to inform him about how shouting that up here was a particularly _bad_ idea.

Nami started making some mental calculations before raising her hand curiously. "Ah, pardon me, but do animals count towards the total tally?"

"It doesn't matter either way, on account of how it is not necessary to pay the toll to pass," Amazon shrugged noncommittally.

"SERIOUSLY!?" Usopp, Carue and Chopper yelped in shock.

"WOOHOO!" Nami cheered eagerly. "That means we _don't_ have to pay over a million beri in entry fees!"

Vivi, meanwhile, was far more cautious. "We _really_ don't need to pay?" she asked skeptically. "Not even a single extol?"

"Of course not," Amazon nodded solemnly. "The choice on whether to pay or not is entirely yours. I am neither a gatekeeper nor a guardian, I neither can nor will stop you. My purpose here is merely to observe and record."

Vivi narrowed her eyes accusingly. "So that you can relay who paid and who didn't to the local authorities."

The crew (or at least the members who understood what Vivi was saying) tensed up as Amazon smiled… or smirked, more like it. "You would be surprised at how few actually read between the lines…" she chuckled knowingly.

Zoro glanced at me cautiously. "Cross—?"

I gave him a flat look. "Do you seriously think we'd be able to go _ten minutes_ without breaking any laws even if we _did_ pay?"

" **THUG LIFE!** _ **Yippee-**_ _kai-_ YAY!" Soundbite whooped ecstatically.

"Besides, how likely is it that Nami would ever consider handing over a million beri for something so…" I air-quoted. "Trivial?"

"NEVER!" Nami pledged viciously as she jabbed her Clima-Tact in the air.

"Well, if that's your final decision," Amazon shrugged as she dug through her robes.

"Nononono _wait!"_ Vivi tried to protest as the elderly woman withdrew and activated a Tone Dial, which was apparently the signal for a pair of _big, meaty claws_ to burst out of the river of clouds beneath us and grab on to the remains of the Merry's wings.

"That is the Lobster Express of the White Sea," Amazon called out. "Hold on tight and enjoy the ride."

And with that, for the second time that day, the Merry accelerated to speeds that no caravel had ever achieved before, throwing us off our feet and leaving us grasping at whatever we could grab as we wound and twirled our way up the Milky Road to the White-White Sea.

And while I was whooping it up and enjoying the thrill ride for the fun time that it was (obviously), others were taking a more… reserved stance.

"JUST _ONCE_ CAN WE COME TO AN ISLAND _WITHOUT_ CAUSING A STUPIDLY HUGE SCENE?!" Vivi screamed over the rushing winds.

"PFFHAHAHAHA! LEMME GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT!" I cackled eagerly.

Sadly, the voyage came to an end all too soon, though at least it was a damn _spectacular one_ , because shooting up and out of the clouds to behold a tropical freaking _paradise_ arrayed before us, an utterly impossible island situated several thousand meters above the ocean... well. Awesome is such an overused word, but this truly inspired awe.

Trees grew everywhere, and giant chains of plant matter supporting massive Milky Roads stretched to and from the island. The buildings were normal enough, though at first glance, they seemed to have a thing for staircases. But the part that made it impossible was the fact that the island looked to be built entirely on different layers of clouds. It was amazing… and yet, I couldn't enjoy the sight as much as I wanted to, knowing the island's fate. I closed my eyes, looking away from my exuberant crewmates, only to feel a hand on my shoulder. I looked over to see Robin standing beside me, a ghost of a smile on her face.

"Do your best, and if that's all you can do, be satisfied with it," she said softly.

I almost managed to smile back as I nodded, and turned to look back at Angel Island. Apart from the aforementioned exuberance and awe that had even Robin interested, the journey to the beach was uneventful.

Reaching the shore, on the other hand, was heralded by eager cries of joy from Luffy, Usopp, Chopper and Carue, who leapt onto the beach and started running around like maniacs. The saner members stayed aboard, though all of them, even Zoro, were staring at the situation in wonder. Glancing at my shoulder, even Soundbite was staring in starry-eyed awe.

I then realized that our guests had yet to take off, and Iooked back at the railing to see both Terry and Isaiah staring at the island with interest.

"So, what are you two going to do now?" I asked curiously. "I'm sort of surprised you didn't take off after we got to where the Knock-Up Stream was."

"Hmm," Isaiah nodded to me. "I will readily admit that I was initially unprepared to accompany your crew on this journey. However… apart from the fact that I'm interested to learn more about these 'Shandians' that that Wiper fellow mentioned, the magnificent suavity of the voice I now have is a treasure that I don't intend to give up so easily."

"For once, I agree with him," Terry said calmly… before going right back to yelling. "I'M NOT READY TO GIVE UP BEING ABLE TO SPEAK WITH A VOICE THAT SO PERFECTLY MATCHES MY _POWEEEEEEER!_ "

I rolled my eyes, but otherwise didn't react. "Alright, have it your way. But behave yourselves, got it?"

Both of them nodded.

"So, Cross," Vivi asked as she slowly slid up next to me, eyeing me skeptically. "Care to tell me just how much trouble we're in for not paying?"

I slowly turned back to her, my eyes narrowing, and Zoro and Robin both mimicked the action. It took her all of two seconds before she winced, realizing her mistake. "Okay, wait—"

I chuckled and shook my head placatingly as I knelt down and started unfastening my gauntlets and greaves. I'd taken to wearing them as often as possible, because really, when _wasn't_ I getting into danger these days? "Don't worry, don't worry, it's _fine._ Not like they don't already know anyways, communications are pretty fast up here! And I'll tell you, I swear! I just need to do _one_ thing first."

Vivi perked up. "And that would be—?"

And with that, I promptly vaulted over the edge of the Merry and ran eagerly towards the beach. "WOOHOO, SKY ISLAND!"

"DAMN IT, CROSS!" Vivi screamed after me.

"DON'T CARE, HAVING TOO MUCH FUN!" I called back. And I really, really _was!_ The beach was squishy and fluffy, like an entirely natural moonbounce, and it was absolute freaking _heaven_ on my feet!

I whooped ecstatically as I joined Chopper in rolling around. "This is _awe~so~me!"_

" **OVER THE SEA,** _Darling it's better, UP WHERE IT'S HIGHER,_ _ **Take it from me!"**_ Soundbite sang ecstatically.

"Damn it, Cross…" Vivi ground out, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Aw, c'mon, Vivi, live a little!" Nami prompted with a chuckle as she patted her friend's shoulder. "I mean, he's not _wrong_! Look around!" She waved her arm out at our surroundings. "We're in the _sky_ , Vivi! We are stepping where no man—!"

"Where _few Blue Sea Dwellers!"_ I corrected.

"…alright, that takes a lot of the steam out of me, but…" Nami leapt into the surf and stretched her arms with a euphoric groan. "Come on, it's a _beach!_ In the _sky!_ The Marines can't reach us here—can they?"

"Not unless they're willing to take a shitload of time _or_ manage to get some reinforced ships onto the right Knock-Up Stream; if it was remotely easy to get up here, the World Government would have territories in the sky already. Plus, this isn't the _only_ Sky Island. In short, _no_ ; we could stay here for a year and they probably wouldn't manage to track us down anytime soon."

"Eeeheehee, then that means I can finally take some time to cut loose and relax on an actual _beach!"_ Nami giggled. "I haven't taken the time to relax on one since before I met Luffy!"

"Heheh, ye—hey, wait, me neither!" I sat up. "The only beach I've been to since I left home was the one on that island I was marooned on, and that sort of took any possible enjoyment out of it! Goddamn it, this adventure has been _hectic_ so far!"

"But I must admit that it has had its advantages…" Robin mused as she moved towards the railing. "Until now I never stopped to think of any of this as adventurous. Perhaps I should reconsider my stance." And with that, she jumped into the clouds.

"You heard the scary-ass assassin lady!" Boss whooped from the tree he was hanging out of. "Boys, I have but one order for you! Cu~t loo~se!"

"Aye-aye, Boss!" the four of them cheered, sheathing their weapons and stashing them in their shells before spreading out and thoroughly enjoying the scenery.

"C'mon, Vivi!" Carue called. "Twy to have fun! We can wowwy about whatevah twouble we get into when we get into it, but wight now, this is _fweaking amazing!_ "

"Hey Carue, check this out!"

 _CLONK!_

"QUAGH! WATCH IT, LUFFY!"

Vivi chewed on her lip for a moment before ultimately sighing, and allowing a smile to come over her face. "Why do I even try to be sensible around a crew like this? I just can't stay worried," she reflected fondly.

"That's the spirit! Now, do me a favor, would you?"

"What is it, Cro—?"

 _SPLAT!_

"Did that feel like a snowball to you or should I pack it tighter—?"

"GET BACK HERE SO THAT I CAN DROWN YOU, CROSS!"

"PFHAHAHA! CATCH ME FIRST, WEAK-WIMP!"

"PREPARE TO DIE, CROSS!"

" _LOOK OUT, wild cook_ **ON THE LOOSE!"**

"PFFHAHAHAHAAAA!"

We spent the next few minutes having… relative amounts of fun and enjoying ourselves, and Sanji had _just_ gotten me under his heel when the air was suddenly filled with the sound of music.

Sanji froze mid-pre-pummel, glancing up in confusion. "What the—?" He then froze as he caught sight of the one playing the harp, standing on a hill of cloud several meters away. He seemed too shocked to even go into love mode. "It's an angel," he breathed.

I grinned, taking advantage of Sanji's distraction to push myself up to my feet. "Indeed she is. Now, if you'll excuse me." Once she stopped playing—and damn was she good, like 'Brook has competition' good—I called out, "Heso!"

Conis started in shock before smiling kindly and waving back. "Heso! Are you from the Blue Sea?"

"Yeah, we flew up here in our ship," Luffy nodded in a devil-may-care manner. "Do you live up here?"

"Indeed I do," Conis nodded as she strode up to us. "Welcome to Skypiea's Angel Beach, my home." She noticed the ginormous nuts Luffy was carrying (HA!) and giggled in amusement, no doubt having seen this kind of thing countless times before. "I see you're eager to try some conash, hm? You won't have any luck that way, though. The outside of the shell is as hard as steel; you have to cut through the underside." She promptly demonstrated as much with a switchblade she pulled out of…

I leaned around to the side slightly as I examined her dress for pockets and came up empty. "Ah… where exactly did you—?"

Conis grinned cheekily as she stored the thing _somewhere_ before picking up Su. "My name is Conis, and this is my pet, Su. She's a cloud fox."

"Su—so! It's nice to meet you— _what in the name of the great lightning bast—MMPH!?"_

Conis hastily clamped her hand over Su's muzzle with a mildly panicked expression. I winced myself, surreptitiously scanning the thankfully clear skies; that could have been very, _very_ bad. Once I confirmed that Eneru wasn't going to turn us into crispy jerky, I processed the voice that Soundbite had given Su and looked at the snail quizzically.

"Should I recognize that one?" I asked.

" **You didn't** _watch_ _ **POKÉMON?"**_ Soundbite asked in honest surprise, then tilted his head. "BUT WAIT, **you mentioned** _Greninja_ _ **back in**_ **ALABASTA."**

"I did _watch it…_ to Diamond and Pearl, anyway," I mused before shaking my head. "And anyway, they didn't use… gonna say Vulpix?" Soundbite nodded in affirmation. "Yeah, didn't show up again past season _one…_ or two, whatever, Kanto/Johto, you know. And besides, she never said anything besides 'Vulpix.'"

" _FAIR ENOUGH."_

"Um, excuse me, but… you're responsible for Su talking?" Conis asked shakily.

" _He_ is," I pointed at Soundbite with a flat look. "Yeah, our ship is pretty chock-full of Devil Fruit users. Soundbite is one of the least—!" _CHOMP!_ "YEOWCH! Okay, okay, withdrawn!" I yelped, tugging at the bastard gnawing on my neck.

"Ah, getting back to my talking cloud fox, please?" Conis used her free hand to point at the yet-struggling Su.

"Noise-Noise Fruit, one of the many uses he's come up with for it is for him to act as a translator for animals. Sorry?" I shrugged sheepishly.

Conis sighed before smiling kindly. "No no, it's perfectly fine, I'm happy Su can talk, she just needs to…" She gave her pet a meaningful glance. "Learn how to _watch what she says?"_

Su stopped struggling for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Heso? Heso? Holy goat-sack ass-biters! I can actually talk!"

"Su! What did I just say?"

"What!? I didn't say anything about _him!"_

I sighed as Soundbite cackled beside me; somehow, I expected Su to be a lot more like her mistress. But then again, when you combine fox with no doubt shittons of pent-up resentment for said mistress's oppressors, I suppose it shouldn't have come as a surprise. "Ahem, sorry about that, but once he starts the only way to get him to stop is by gagging him and, well…"

"Some of us doth protest to that course of action!" Boss cut in.

"Seconded!" Carue squawked.

"And I make three," Lassoo added from the Island Cloud lounge chair he'd quite literally burrowed himself into.

"Sorry?" I offered sheepishly.

Conis glanced down at Su before waving her hand in a placating gesture. "It's perfectly fine, I was just… surprised, is all." She then re-adopted her by-then-signature smile. "Honestly, I should be thanking you, it'll be nice to actually talk with Su!"

"INCOMING _sea-_ _ **scooter**_ **,** " Soundbite suddenly announced out of the blue.

"Oh, the klutz is back!" Su perked up happily.

"SU!"

"The charm wears off fast, don't it?" I snickered.

Conis fumed silently for a moment before looking out to sea and smiling fondly. "Well, it looks like my father's back from fishing! Heso, father!"

"Conis, heso!" Pagaya waved back… though probably _not_ the brightest of moves given how badly he was shaking on his Waver.

"What the heck does 'Heso' mean!?" Luffy questioned in confusion.

"Do the words 'cultural sensitivity' mean absolutely _nothing_ to you, Luffy?" Vivi asked before sighing and pinching the bridge of her nose. "What am I even saying?"

Conis, meanwhile, looked at Luffy with just as much befuddlement. "But wait, didn't your friend—?"

"Say, what's he riding?" Nami interrupted as she gazed curiously out at Pagaya's fast-approaching form.

"It looks cool!" Chopper squealed eagerly.

Before anything else could be said, Pagaya started swerving a bit as he approached. "Pardon me, but I am coming ashore."

And indeed he was; he was coming in fast… very fast… _OHSHI—!_

" **DOOOODGE!"** Soundbite cried, an action I hastily performed in order to avoid becoming the Blue Sea World's first case of vehicular manslaughter.

"Do you really think I've been calling him a klutz all these years for nothing?" Su deadpanned.

"Bite me, bushy-tail…" I growled into the beach. "I'd like to see you do any better on that thing."

"Like I'd ever be stupid enough to get on it, two-legs."

"Oh, dear, is anyone hurt?" Pagaya asked as he shakily got to his feet.

"Only big-mouth's pride!"

" _Su_ …" Conis groaned, nigh comical tears trailing down her face at this point.

"Ya know—!"

"Cross, before you get into an argument with a fox," Nami interjected as she glanced over at me. "Is that a fixed up version of the thing we salvaged?"

I huffed as I sent a final glare at an all-too-smug Su before nodding to Nami. "Yeah, it's called a Waver. Though it's not quite the same, seeing how our version's got twice as much horsepower."

Conis looked at me in surprise. "Wait, you know about Wavers, too? And you have one?"

"Eh, not really," I waved her off. "That's the first one we've seen in person, the one we have is actually sky-based, too. We only have it because we found it in a two-century-old wrecked ship that nearly fell on top of us yesterday."

"I… see…" Conis hedged uneasily, obviously trying to process what she was hearing.

"Oh, hello there," Pagaya waved at us in greeting. "I take it you must be from the Blue Sea?"

" **Yup yup yup!"** Soundbite piped up.

"Devil Fruit," I said before Pagaya could ask.

"Ah. Well, I see you've met my daughter. My name is Pagaya, it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite, same to you," I replied. "I don't suppose you know anyone good with Wavers? We've got one in our boat that needs some serious repair work; the Dial engines looked intact, but besides that—"

"You even know about Dials? Have you been to a Sky Island before?" Conis asked wonderingly.

"No, but I read a very detailed story about a crew that did travel to a Sky Island," I said truthfully, and then slapped myself, grimacing. " _Damn_ , I forgot to bring vearth."

"The heck is vearth?" Zoro asked.

"Exactly what it sounds like…" I sighed as I ground the heel of my palm into my forehead. "A jar of the stuff would have been useful."

" _I got a jar of di-irt, I got a jar of di-irt, and guess what's inside it?"_ Soundbite sang.

"What could a _most beautiful angel of the heavens,"_ Sanji sang dreamily before snapping back to affronted. "Want with _dirt?"_

"Q-Quite a bit, actually!" said angel jumped in shock. "You see, Island Cloud—that is to say, the cloud we are standing on now—is capable of sustaining plant-life, but it cannot cause it to sprout. In order to grow our crops, those of us who inhabit the sky need vearth. As such, it is a highly sacred substance to us! A jar of it would have been…" She sighed sadly. "Most beneficial for us…"

"I am so sorry about that…" I trailed off before re-slapping myself. "Hang on a minute, I'm a _complete_ dipshit. Hey, Nami, you think you could spare some soil from your tangerine grove?"

"Huh?" Nami asked, before looking thoughtful. "Hmm, if it's just the soil… yeah, I think we have enough that I could spare a jar or two, as long as we replenish it as soon as we head back down."

"Perfect! Any chance we could trade them for a couple of spare Dials you've got and a good repairman for the fossil-Waver we have?" I asked the trade-ees in question.

"P-Pardon me, but I'm a Dial-engineer myself. I'll gladly take a look at it, and we have a small collection of spare Dials in our house," Pagaya said, both shocked and happy. "If you're really giving us a jarful of vearth, that's more than a fair trade. Thank you, Cross."

"Yay! We can grow our own foxnip now!" Su said happily.

Conis winced uncomfortably. "Su, the last time you got foxnip, you made your way through the town six times before we managed to catch you!"

The cloud fox's response was to giggle and wave her tail happily. "I know! Why do you think I want to try it again?"

" **You're MY KIND** _of fox, GIRLY!"_ Soundbite cackled.

"Thanks! You're pretty cool yourself, greaseball!"

I slapped my hand on Soundbite's shell with a grimace. "Talking animal companions. Can't live with them, can barely live without them, am I right?"

"I'm starting to get the picture…" Conis concurred morosely.

While Zoro retrieved the Waver and Nami and Sanji went to get the soil from the grove—Sanji to keep Nami from dirtying her hands and Nami because she'd never let anyone touch the trees without her being there, not even… _least of all_ us—a round of introductions and conversation followed as Conis and Pagaya learned of the unfamiliar species of Supersonic Ducks, Kung-Fu Dugongs, and even Transponder Snails. _That_ was a problem that I'd have to think about more; I wanted to be able to keep in contact with Conis, Wiper, Gan Fall, and the rest of them through the SBS when we left, but there was no convenient Transponder Snail onboard that we had forgotten about. The only solution I could see was leaving behind Pinky or the Brain, or both, and that was a decidedly less-than-optimal choice. Ultimately, though, I decided to cross that bridge when we came to it; it was the least of my worries while Eneru was still around.

After Nami and Sanji gave the vearth to the overjoyed Conis, Pagaya, and Su, Nami took Pagaya's Waver out for a spin after I yanked Luffy back from it. I made the wise choice to neglect mentioning that it was supposed to take ten years of practice before anyone could ride a Waver that well until _after_ she was well on her way. Because there was no way in hell I was going to put up with _that_ much gloating.

After watching the navigator zip back and forth on the waves for a bit—and honestly, it _was_ rather impressive, and I really looked forward to riding shotgun on the thing—Pagaya stated that he would probably be able to repair _our_ Waver, once he got back to his house, and invited us over for dinner.

I took that chance to call Nami back, calmly insisting on her joining us. Fortunately, she was able to read between the lines of me using the words 'get your ass back here now' and jabbing a finger at the beach, and she came back quickly enough. The walk up the stairs towards Pagaya's house and past the cloud quarry featured Pagaya explaining how the islands were formed, thanks to the pyrobloin sent into the sky from volcanic eruptions increasing the clouds' density. And I had to admit, the quarry was, at the risk of overusing the word, awesome to look at. Simplistic, and yet there was a definite sense of precision and industry to it. It was quite the sight.

Once we arrived at the house, Sanji and Pagaya headed straight for the kitchen, while Conis fetched a small box full of very distinct shells.

"These are all the spare Dials that we have. I'm afraid they're just common household ones that we keep in case the ones we use break: Breath, Flame, Tone, Vision, Flavor, Heat, and Water. But you're welcome to whichever ones you'd like," she said kindly.

"Well, we'll definitely want the Water Dial," I said, remembering how little the story touched on that particular Dial. "Fresh, drinkable water is a rarity down on the Blue Seas, and any means of storing it would be of great use to us."

"A good choice," Conis nodded in agreement before holding up a _very_ familiar spiky Dial. "Especially if you decided to take its counterpart, the Flame Dial, as well!"

"Ah—ERK!" I started to hedge before cutting myself off in a hiss. Getting your shoulders crushed by two separate irate females does that to you.

"Thanks," Nami grit out irritably. "But we already salvaged one from the ship that fell on us."

"We tried running some experiments with it and, needless to say…" Vivi continued, her hand digging into my collarbone. " _We don't_ need another."

"Save me…" I whispered in terror.

Conis glanced between them for a moment before her eyes widened and she looked away, a blush rising to her face. "I believe I can understand your anger," she muttered.

"HA!" Su barked from the other side of the couch. "I remember _that_ incident! Well, mostly, anyways! Remind me, were those underoos purple or—MMPH!?" the fox was cut off by a scary-accurate pillow lodging itself in her jaws.

"I'm so sorry—!"

" _ **PURPLE!"**_ Soundbite barked out with a cackle. " _Her heart rate SPIKED!_ **Quite risqué,** _ **eh—**_ **HEY!"**

I growled as I forced Soundbite into his shell. _Again._ "No, no, _I'm_ the one who sorely needs to apologize…"

"Might I advise merely splitting the difference and calling it even?" Robin proposed.

I sighed before looking back at Conis. "Moving on, could you show us how that Vision Dial works? I know it captures images, but how does it reproduce them on paper?"

In the end, we settled for the Water Dial, the Vision Dial and, at Sanji's request, the Flavor Dial. And shortly after that we found ourselves enjoying the sweetest lobster I ever tasted, along with a fine selection of island fruit.

"Lobster tail…" I moaned euphorically as I sucked the scrumptious crustacean meat down. "Mother of the seas, I haven't eaten lobster in _so long…"_

"Didn't know you were that big of a fan of the shelled meats, Cross," Sanji chuckled.

"Lobster tail, bisque or shrimp, Sanji…" I chuckled eagerly. "Either or, I couldn't give a damn. Just gimme some and it'll be nice and _gone!"_

" _Is it cannibalism,_ _ **you ask?"**_ Soundbite mused around the claw he was gnawing on before _annihilating it_ and swallowing it whole. "MAYBE! _**BUT IT'S TOO**_ DELICIOUS _FOR ME TO CARE!"_

"Well, I'll keep that in mind next time I have some," Sanji nodded confidently.

"Hey, Conis? This is delicious, but I prefer my food with more salt," Su piped up, prompting Soundbite to shudder.

"I'll remember that, Su," Conis replied, taking a shaker and sprinkling more of it over Su's plate. The fox nibbled at the food before purring contentedly.

"YOU REALIZE **this means** _we can no longer_ _ **be friends, RIGHT?"**_ Soundbite sniffed imperiously.

Su's response was to shoot an indecipherable glance at the snail before flicking her tail. "Oh, we were friends? I hardly noticed. I tend to wipe little puddles of slime away, not befriend them."

"Su!" Conis gasped in shock.

"Wait for it…" I said, holding my finger up patiently.

Soundbite, for his part gaped at the cloud fox for a moment before grinning a massive grin. " _Correction…_ **this feels like THE START** _OF A MOST BEAUTIFUL_ _ **PARTNERSHIP."**_

"There it is."

"A fox and a snail. Sort of a weiwd paih of fwiends," Carue mumbled.

"We're talkin' about Soundbite here; I'm not surprised he'd be fast friends with a fox as snarky as this one," Lassoo said around his own mouthful of meat. "Besides, what the rest of the world calls 'weird' is more like batting 1000 for this crew. Case in point: I'm a talking gun havin' a conversation with a giant duck."

"While having dinner alongside four adolescent martial artist turtle-seals and their teacher," Mikey added.

"With said dinner cooked and flavored using seashells," Sanji continued.

"On a picturesque island in the sky, so beautiful that it brings a single tear of awe to even my most imperviously handsome eye," Isaiah contributed.

"Do I even _need_ to mention the captain?" I asked. "I'm only half-kidding here."

"Alwight, alwight, withdwawn alweady," Carue squawked, though he was smiling.

That got a chuckle from everyone.

"So, Pagaya," Robin began. "While we may be somewhat familiar with the culture of Sky Islands in general, I'm curious as to how your day-to-day lives go on this island. Would you mind telling us more about your culture?"

Now _that_ got something of a reaction out of the father-daughter pair. It wasn't totally overt, mind, but minute full-body clenches were kind of hard to disguise, not to mention the agitated way Su's tail fluffed out. And judging by the way that the non-moron members of the crew all to a sapient narrowed their eyes or sat up straighter, it wasn't just me.

Still, credit where it was due, apart from that singular no doubt _entirely_ involuntary tell, Pagaya and Conis remained composed.

"Well, pardon me if I'm not all that detailed in my recollections, but as you said, you want to hear the day-to-day affairs, and those all tend to blur together," Pagaya mused thoughtfully. "Typically, I spend my day either making any Dial-devices that are commissioned from me by clients or repairing any broken appliances that I'm asked to. It's not really all that fascinating, to be honest. Dial-engineering is quite straightforward once you've learned it. Apart from that, it's mostly just fishing trips for food and for sale."

"I spend most of my time walking on the beach or practicing my harp-playing," Conis added. "I sometimes go to Lovely Street, to shop for more Dials for Father or to get other ingredients, either for dinner or for the snacks I like to make for the local children." Her smile took on a slightly saddened tint. "We're also something like unofficial lifeguards around here. I watch over the children when they go swimming and…" Her smile trembled, _ever_ so slightly. "I welcome any Blue Sea Dwellers who come to visit. It's not uncommon, and I don't think I ever get tired of explaining the way things work up here and seeing their surprise." She then chuckled, her mood lightening up significantly. "But I have to admit, it was a pleasant surprise when I heard you say 'Heso,' Cross; it's the first time I've met a Blue Sea Dweller familiar with our culture."

"Huh? Oh!" I pointed at myself before starting and scratching the back of my head with a sheepish grin. "Well, I just knew the stories; at the time, I didn't think I'd ever actually end up with anyone crazy enough to prove them true. But I'm glad I did; if our crew ever retires, I say we come back here for the rest of our lives."

"Seconded!" said most of the rest of the crew, and the honesty in Robin's smile indicated that she concurred. But the smile Conis gave in response was noticeably strained.

And Vivi's disappeared entirely into a serious frown as she leaned forwards, scrutinizing the angel intently. "Conis," she started in a _very_ business-like tone. "Seeing as you're so familiar with the ins-and-outs of Skypiean immigration, there's something I've been meaning to ask."

Conis blinked in confusion before smiling invitingly. "Sure thing, what is it, Vivi?"

The princess glanced at me, and I hesitated for a moment before nodding solemnly. Better now than from the mouths of the well-meaning but excessively lead-handed White Berets.

Having received consent, Vivi gave Conis a serious look. "What are the consequences of entering Skypiea without paying the one billion extol per person toll at Heaven's Gate?"

Conis blinked in surprise before she and Pagaya all but froze up. "A-are you saying that you—?"

"Yes, much to my chagrin, we didn't pay," Vivi sighed despondently. "Our navigator didn't deem it worth the cost."

"It was a total ripoff!" Nami protested, but much more weakly given Conis and Pagaya's fearful reactions.

"W-well, that makes you illegal entrants, m-meaning that the island's law enforcement, the White Berets, will most likely be arriving to arrest you soon," Conis said worriedly. It was apparently only a fraction of what she felt, going by just how white her knuckles were as they bunched up her dress.

"But that's only a minor crime," Pagaya said quickly. "The issue can be resolved if you can pay the fine, I believe it's ten times the entrance fee."

"And if we _don't_ pay that?" Nami asked, her eyes narrowing.

Pagaya swallowed heavily as he averted his gaze ever so slightly. "Then… I hope you'll pardon the suggestion, but it might be best for you to leave as soon as possible."

Conis, meanwhile, averted her gaze _much_ more overtly, refusing to meet any of our eyes as she bit into her lower lip. And she wasn't alone either, as Su had sunk her fangs into the tip of her tail and was glaring daggers at nothing. The silence went on for a minute before Nami broke it.

"Why are you hesitating so much? It's not like we're going to tell anyone anything you tell us that could get you in trouble."

At that point, all three of them winced visibly, Pagaya and Conis in fear and Su in rapidly mounting fury.

"P-pardon our reaction, it's just—!" Pagaya started to hedge before Conis cut in.

"W-we can't say anything," Conis grit out reluctantly, fear coating her voice. "God can hear us everywhere, and if he hears us—!"

"Conis!" Pagaya interrupted, cold sweat coating his brow.

"God?" Zoro asked, raising an eyebrow, but Soundbite cut in before he could say anything else.

" **THERE'S ONLY ONE** _omniscient eavesdropper_ _ **in the world**_ _,_ _ **AND THAT'S ME!"**_ he spat out viciously before gritting his teeth. " _Gastro-_ SCRAMBLE!"

I tensed as the sound of white noise filled the air, buzzing like a thousand untuned television sets. "Soundbite… _what did you just do?"_

"I TUNED OUT _**any unwanted visitors!"**_ Soundbite ground out darkly. " _Anyone tries to LISTEN IN,_ **they ain't hearing JACK!"**

"Y-you _what!?"_ Conis yelped, her eyes wide with panic. "Nononono, Soundbite, you _can't!_ I-If God Eneru notices—!"

" _GOD!?"_ Usopp and Carue yelped fearfully, visibly freaked out.

"Soundbite, Conis is right, that was not the best decision to make," Robin nodded in concern, having strode over to the window where she was keeping a careful eye on the surroundings. "If this 'God' individual really was listening to us, then the sudden loss of that ability will be as incriminating as anything that could be said."

"Yeah, but now the great lightning bastard can't hear us anymore, right?"

"Su!" Conis shrieked in panic.

" _No,_ Conis!" Su snarled, arching her back as her fur fluffed out in outrage. "I've been silent my entire life, I've been docile, but now that I have a chance to speak and _he_ can't hear anything, I'm going to say the exact thing that you and _everyone_ on Angel Beach has been thinking for the past six years: Eneru is an evil, selfish, _raging BASTARD!"_

The mood in the room instantly flipped from tense to electric… though thankfully only in the metaphorical sense. Despite how much we waited and listened, ultimately nothing came of the statement other than Conis and Pagaya looking like they were about to have heart attacks.

"Well, now that that's settled," Su snorted before leaping onto the table and staring straight at Luffy. "You! I saw the emblem on your flag: a skull and crossbones. And combined with _that…"_ She moved her gaze upwards slightly, glancing at Luffy's hat for a moment before refocusing. "You guys are all pirates, right?"

Luffy blinked in surprise before grinning eagerly. "Yup! And I'm the man who's going to be the King of the Pirates!"

"Su, please—!" Conis started.

"If he could still hear us, we'd already be dead," the fox said dryly without ever shifting her attention from Luffy. "And you. I'm assuming that that claim of yours means that you're all _strong_ pirates, right?"

I weighed the pros and cons of this whole scenario before reaching a decision. That is to say, deciding 'fuck it, let's see where this takes us.' "We've beaten anyone who's crossed us. It wasn't always easy, but there's only one enemy we came across that was actually good enough to beat us, and we beat him too in the end. And _he_ was world-class, to boot."

"World-class?" Luffy asked, frowning. "If Crocodile's as strong as they're going to get—"

"He isn't," I cut him off flatly. "Granted, you probably only beat him because he underestimated you too much as a rookie and his own pride butted in, but you managing to beat him at _any_ level was still damn impressive, so _yes,_ " I directed the next bit at Su. "We're very strong."

Su was silent for a moment before nodding firmly. "Then in that case, I have a request to make, and it's a big one."

"Su, p-pardon me, but you can't—!" Pagaya started.

"Watch me," Su shot back before pouncing to a position where she could look at all of us at once. "This is going to sound dangerously insane, but at this point, I don't see any other options." Su spread her legs and bowed her head solemnly. "Please, help overthrow God Eneru and free us from his tyranny!"

The words sunk in for a moment, and then we reacted like mature, reasonable—oh, wait, I already did that joke.

" _EEEEEEEEEEHHH?"_

"SU!" Conis burst out in horror, jumping to her feet. "Y-you can't just ask anyone who comes to us to _die_ for our sakes!"

"No, that's where you're wrong, Conis!" Su shot back as she leapt forwards and glared up at her owner. "What I _can't_ do is just stay silent and not do any _thing_ I can after watching you and your dad _suffer_ for six years! Six _years,_ Conis! Six years where I haven't been able to say anything, where I've been forced to _watch_ as person after person came through this beach and _died!_ Well, now I can finally speak, and I'm going to take this opportunity to do the one thing nobody has had the courage to do in a long time, _despite_ how much they've wanted to: ask for _help!"_

Conis was trembling, visibly conflicted. "I… I'm not—"

"Why would you want us to overthrow your god, and what do you mean by tyranny?" Robin asked.

"Yeah, I think we're missing some rather crucial context here!" I concurred. "Look, when you call this Eneru person 'God'—?"

"He's not _actually_ a god!" Su interrupted hotly. "That's just the title the people here call their ruler, but it went straight to Eneru's head when he took over!" She snapped her gaze to Pagaya. "Come on, klutzy, tell them! We'd have fried ten times over if he could _actually_ hear us, so we're in the clear!"

Pagaya visibly hesitated for a moment before sighing and hanging his head in defeat. "Six years ago, God Eneru and the men he calls his priests invaded our land of Skypiea," he recited sadly. "Eneru and his acolytes defeated the army of the old God and banished him before taking his place. Since then… Eneru has ruled over Skypiea with an iron fist."

Conis desperately swapped her gaze between her father and her pet for a moment before the energy seemed to flow out of her, sinking into her seat with her face buried in her hands. "He can always hear us, no matter where we are," she croaked miserably. "He makes us guide any and all criminals we find to the God's Land, Upper Yard, where they are then hunted and killed for his amusement by his priests. And… should anyone say anything or try to protest in any manner…" Conis choked back a sob. "Then they are… _put to death!"_ And with that, Conis broke down, sobbing miserably in spite of Pagaya doing his best to comfort her.

Su stared at her solemnly for a moment before slowly turning her gaze back to us. "I've had to watch this for six years. Had to watch as this bastard made the closest friend I have in life send people off to _die_ with a _smile._ And I can't watch it for a second longer. Unless something is done…" Su bowed her head solemnly. "Over twenty years ago, another pirate crew came here, a fantastically strong one, whose leader was _righteous._ I didn't see him, but my parents and all the other animals who were alive then still speak of him to this day. We animals are the only ones brave enough to say anything because Eneru has never paid direct attention to us, and this is the only chance I'll have to say anything at all. You're… You're our last chance. So please…"

Tears, previously hidden by the pure white fur, dripped to the tabletop.

"Help us…"

Unsurprisingly, the crew as a whole was angry. Usopp and Carue seemed partly panicked as well judging from their shaking legs, but their expressions were too dark to tell. Sanji in particular looked ready to explode, but three faces held far darker expressions than his. Nami seemed to be flashing back to her time with Arlong, rage overtaking any possibility of fear; she was already absentmindedly reaching for the pieces of her Clima-Tact. Vivi was similarly furious, no doubt enraged at hearing how a ruler, no matter how despotic, could treat his people so cruelly; one hand gripped into a fist on her thigh and the other wandered to her neck and fumbled with that necklace she'd been wearing since we'd left Alubarna. And Luffy…

"Guys, I've decided," he said, getting to his feet and dropping the bit of meat he'd been holding, his hat casting a shadow over his blazing eyes. "We're going to kick this god-guy's ass."

"Not that I'm objecting, Mister Captain, but what made you decide that? If I recall, despite the tragedies in Alabasta, your only motivation was the princess," Robin said, earning a glare from Vivi that died upon seeing the fire in Robin's eyes. Still, she prepared to say _something…_

"Because she's our friend."

When I interrupted, not looking up from where I was sitting hunched forwards with my elbows on my knees and my hands clasped between my legs.

"She greeted us warmly, she invited us into her home, she let us eat her food…" I recited matter-of-factly. "This might not seem like a lot, but Conis is our friend, and personally, if I willingly left a friend in these kinds of conditions without doing something, _anything_ to help?" I shot a firm warning look at Robin. "Then I honestly wouldn't be able to live with myself."

"What Cross said," Luffy growled, breathing out steam from his nostrils.

"Well, looks like the captain has made up his mind," Zoro remarked, grinning menacingly. "So, Conis, how do we get to this 'Upper Yard' place?"

"W-what!?" Conis yelped desperately. "N-no, no! Please, I know what Su said, but—!"

"Conis," Vivi cut in, visibly wrestling with her temper as she landed a hand on the angel's shoulder. "Trust me, trying to fight this is a wholly futile endeavor. We are trying and doing it, because we _want_ to. Rather than opposing us, you should be helping us find the best way to reach God."

"Besides," Nami drawled, spinning one of her staff's segments between her fingers absentmindedly. "This isn't the first experience we've had like this; whenever Luffy sets his mind to something, no amount of reasoning can make him abandon that course of action. The difference _this_ _time,_ however—" She suddenly clenched the bar of metal in a vein-popping deathgrip. "Is that we're _all_ in agreement." She then looked at Conis, her eyes softening significantly. "So, please. How do we do this?"

Conis chewed her lip hesitantly as she weighed our words, looking down at where Su had laid her paw on her knee.

"Tell them, Conis," Su whispered. "Please."

Conis hiccuped as she looked at Su, before finally sighing and digging through her shirt and withdrawing a shell-shaped whistle. "…There are three ways to get there, and considering that you're wanted criminals already, two of them are immediately accessible, and both guarantee that Eneru won't strike you down. Immediately, at any rate…"

"Heso!"

We jumped as a chorus of voices came from outside.

"The hell—?" Nami started as she glanced towards the door.

"Oh, _damn it…_ " I ground out as I clawed at my face. Now? _Really?_ I mean, I knew they meant well, but their timing could _not_ have been worse.

…buuuut, then again, we did need to commit a higher crime to really sell this whole thing, so…

"We've received word that no fewer than nine illegal entrants from the Blue Sea have—"

"Gastro-Phony," I bit out. I waited for a moment as the voice outside fell silent before looking around with a slightly desperate expression. "Alright, let's make this fast, before they clean themselves up and return with reinforcements."

"C-clean—? What did you—?"

"Let's just say you're going to need to wipe your front… everywhere, and leave it at that, _please."_

 **-o-**

I breathed out a heavy breath as I leaned on the balcony of the house, gazing out at the Merry floating off of the coast of the beach. "Alright, we're ready on our end, as far as we can be. You guys?"

" _Unhappy about having to have to ride the all-too-literal express route twice in the same day, but other than that?"_ I could just about see Nami nod on the deck of our ship. " _We're ready. Good luck, Cross."_

"You too, guys," I muttered before jerking my hand across my neck. I then glanced over at Conis and gave her a nod. "Do it."

Conis nodded hesitantly. "A-alright then…" And with that, she brought the whistle to her mouth and blew.

Moments later, the sea-clouds of the White-White Sea started shifting, then bubbling, then outright _churning_ until finally—

 _SPLOOSH!_

—they erupted, disgorging a _stupidly_ massive shrimp that snatched up the Going Merry and all the occupants onboard before turning around and tearing through the water. Not blindingly fast, mind you; fast, sure, but only just so fast that it was uncatchable. There was plenty of time to watch it leave, to confirm that one's friends weren't just gone, but _taken_ too.

I watched after the Merry for as long as I could before turning around and clasping my hands together. "Alright, they're gone. Now it's our turn." I grinned savagely. "Who's ready to defile some sacred soil?"

Luffy grinned as he slammed his knuckles together. "Alright!"

Sanji scoffed as he lit his cigarette and blew out a hefty cloud of smoke. "Sacred or damned, I would storm any soil for the sake of my angels, new and constant alike."

"Maybe we'll see if I actually got anything out of that death-duel Zoro considered a spar," Leo muttered, Donny putting a sympathizing flipper on his shoulder.

"Eh, just wake me up when it's time to fight," Lassoo yawned as he cracked his neck back and forth.

"Truly a slothful one, isn't he?" Isaiah noted.

"No kidding—wait, what are you doing here?" Sanji asked the bird currently perched on his shoulder.

"Terry and I were barely within the snail's range already, and while he was more inclined to stay onboard the ship with Zoro, considering himself, and I quote, 'powerful enough to go without speaking until the others get back,' I'd prefer to keep my voice… and, for that matter, spend some time away from that Bear-Glove neanderthal."

Sanji considered that for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Fair enough. Well, let's get going. Soundbite, cut it."

Once Soundbite cut the Gastro-Scramble—great name, by the way, I should have thought of it myself—Conis and Pagaya put on a show of explaining how dangerous it was to have attacked the White Berets, and saying our crew had been taken to Upper Yard to be offered as tribute. Of course, Robin and I had organized beforehand who would go which direction, and I trusted her to leave enough fighters onboard to deal with Shura when he showed up. I had picked up my armor and stashed the Impact and Flash Dials in my pockets before they left, but I'd reluctantly left the transceiver onboard; disappointing though it was, the next SBS could wait until after the first day of battles, right about when we started the party with the cloud wolves. As it was, best not to have a big-ass bag hanging off of me when I had other options, especially when said bag had all of those notes in it; if that fell into the hands of anyone loyal to Eneru, we'd be screwed. Pagaya and Su came with us as Conis escorted us through the island, past Lovely Street and to the Little Crow. Luffy's reaction was predictable… and I'll be honest, I was inclined to agree with him.

"You _really_ sure we can't ride the big badass bull?" I griped miserably.

"Pardon us, but we simply don't have the extols to rent it for you," Pagaya shrugged before pausing thoughtfully. "Well, maybe if you had another jar of vearth…?"

I froze as I contemplated the consequences of that course of action. "Yeah, no, I'd really rather not push my luck with Nami; I fear the wrath she can bring about over those trees more than I fear anyone or thing on these seas."

"That bad, huh?" Su noted from where she was clinging to Conis' back where her harp normally was.

" **I HAVE HAD** _ **one leaf off**_ _of those trees_ THE ENTIRE TIME **I've been on that ship…"** Soundbite stated morosely before shuddering heavily. " _NEVER AGAIN!"_

"Well, you should all be able to fit on the Crow, at least, and the engine works perfectly; Father repaired it only a few days ago," Conis said, smiling lightly.

We all returned that smile as we mounted the Crow, getting a quick crash course in how to run the dial-engine before we were finally ready to go.

"Well, we're setting off," I announced. "Try and fix up our Waver while we're gone, would you? We'll definitely be back for it."

"A-absolutely," Pagaya said, not needing to fake the uncertainty in his voice.

"Don't worry about us, old guy, we'll be fine!" Luffy said cheerily.

"I don't intend to keep our three beautiful ladies waiting for too long," Sanji agreed smoothly.

"Doesn't he mean four?" Donny whispered.

"You know Raphey doesn't call herself a lady," Leo whispered back. "Plus, not humanoid, probably a gray area."

 _CLONK-CLONK!_

"SILENCE FROM THE EMERGENCY FOOD SUPPLIES!" Sanji roared.

"Yes, sir…" the dugongs groaned as they cradled their bruised skulls.

Conis was silent throughout the farewells, maintaining the same solemn silence she'd been keeping since our venture had started…

Before finally, she let herself smile, ever so slightly.

"Good luck," she whispered, almost too faintly for us to hear.

It was at that point that the world grew dark and the sky lit up.

There was no warning, no sign, not even so much as an _inkling._ Just a lot of light and the _reek_ of ozone.

Time seemed to slow as I turned my gaze upwards, taking in the… well… the act of fucking _God_ taking place above me. " _No..."_ I breathed numbly.

After that, several things happened at once: a roar of rage, a blast of steam, a blur of red, and a _mass_ slamming into my midsection and bowling me over.

I had just enough time to process the fact that a dazed Conis and Su were lying on top of me and catch sight of a lobster-red Luffy grabbing a yet-shellshocked Pagaya—

 _ **ZEE-RACK!**_

Before the sky _ripped itself apart._

Here's a tip: it's not a good idea to be directly next to a bolt of lightning when it hits the ground. Even less so when said bolt of lightning is about the size of an F5 vortex, and even less yet when you happen to be in a boat, on the water, which isn't anchored.

This is the situation that I found myself in when the 'almighty' Eneru decided to smite Conis for her minute show of infidelity. The fact that she and Su were safe beside me was some consolation, but I was hoping beyond all hope that the previous God had chosen to intervene on our behalf in this case, or else, because as it was, Conis had gotten on her hands and knees and was staring at the crater where her father had been with a rapidly paling face.

Or at least, that's what I think she was doing. I couldn't be sure, because unlike my superhuman-by-default crewmates who had been born in this world, _I_ was experiencing the logical outcome of seeing that much lightning and hearing the resulting thunder at point-blank distance: becoming temporarily (I hoped) blind, deaf and, apart from the occasional 'mawp', _very_ dumb.

Thankfully, apparently my time here had done the trick, because I _did_ get my senses back rather fast.

 _Un_ -fortunately, I got them back just in time to have a facefull of flung-Luffy bowl me over once anew.

"Do not fear! I, the sky knight Gan Fall, have saved them!" Gan Fall (duh) called out confidently as he helped Pagaya onto a seat behind him on Pierre before directing his mount to flap closer to us. "Quickly now, help the girl on before—!"

 _ **ZAP!**_

"GAH!" Pierre squawked in terror, barely managing to avoid a relatively normalish bolt of lightning that almost hit him.

I cursed vehemently as I glanced up at the sky before shaking my head at Gan Fall. "No good! She's already onboard, Eneru's not going to let her go! Look, just," I waved my hand frantically. "Get out of here, take Pagaya and go! We'll look after her, she'll be safe with us, I promise!"

Gan Fall hesitated for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Very well, then! May luck be with you, good travellers! You shall need it!"

"Conis…" Pagaya said worriedly.

"Don't worry, klutzy!" Su piped up. "These guys are strong enough to keep us safe. Besides, I'd sort of like a piece of the action."

"BE CAREFUL YOU _**don't bite off MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW,**_ _foxy!"_ Soundbite taunted eagerly.

"Why dontcha get in my mouth and see just how _much_ I can chew, slimeball?" Su retorted playfully.

"Su…" Conis muttered before shaking her head and looking back at her father. "But she's right! I'll be safe with them, Father, and you know that I can take care of myself."

Pagaya hesitated for a moment before nodding reluctantly, and with that, Pierre flew off towards Gan Fall's sanctuary.

We stared after them for a moment before I snapped my fingers at Donny and Leo, prompting them to get the Dial-engine running and us sailing towards the largest of the Milky Roads. It was only as we started to climb the hill that I turned towards Luffy, finally processing _how_ he'd saved Conis. "You've worked out Gear Second already…" I breathed in awe.

Luffy grumbled as he dusted his hat off and inspected it for damage before placing it on his head. "Well… sorta. It's not done yet. I can't keep my blood going for that long and, well… it still feels incomplete. So, for now… Gear One and a Half, really."

"Gear One Point Five sounds better," Lassoo suggested.

"Or that."

"Still, I didn't expect you to work that out for at least another month," I said weakly, before thinking about it more. "So, that's what you were doing back on Jaya… well, once we get back together with the rest of the crew, talk to Chopper about it; great technique though it is, it's still straining your body. Better to work out the kinks before we fight someone who's actually dangerous to you."

Judging from the way Sanji's eyes widened, he figured out the hidden meaning in my words, and he promptly did the _one_ best thing he could have in this situation: he grinned, spun onto his knees before Conis and took her hand. "Conis, O most beautiful of Angels in the heavens, I vow that I shall most _definitely_ keep you safe," he asserted.

"…Thank you, for saving me… but…" Conis managed to smile before turning her attention towards the approaching crest of the hill. "I hope you're right about how strong you all are, for all of our sakes. Because now…"

I followed her gaze as we mounted the top of the road, and caught sight of what lay before us: a green hell embedded in a sea of white. Trees more massive than any I'd ever seen before, hiding enough death and destruction in their shadows to match Little Garden with ease, while also cradling the hopes and dreams of two entire civilizations.

"…the trials of Upper Yard await."


	30. Chapter 29 - Skypiea Pt 2

**Chapter 29**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Loyal viewers, we must apologize; the previous chapter rounded out at a mere nineteen thousand words. Considering our standards, we simply cannot allow that to go uncorrected. We hope you enjoy, therefore, a much more lengthy chapter.**

 **Hornet AN: And I gotta edit all of it… *mumble mumble***

 **The Patient One AN: Hey, you're not the only one; who always does the final check? Besides, it's fun.**

 **Xomniac AN: Speak for yourself. You don't need to suffer through the pain of writer's block. Such burnout, so much pain. Good thing we've been working on this thing all week, or else we'd** _ **never**_ **have gotten this done on time! XP**

 **The Patient One AN: Key word: "we."**

" _But there's one sound… no one knows… WHAT DOES THE FOX—_ _ **MMPH!?**_ "

"I'm willing to suffer a lot of shit, Soundbite," I ground out as I forced my fist between the snail's teeth. "But that particular abomination lies ten miles past the pale."

"Heheheh, whipped!" Su giggled.

"It never gets any easier, does it?" Conis sighed, eyes downcast.

"You're lucky, yours doesn't _have_ to hitch a ride," I grumbled.

The somber, tense mood we had had going since we left Lovely Street had ironically alleviated as we slowly approached the treeline of the Upper Yard, courtesy of the comedy stylings of Su and Soundbite, though use of the word 'comedy' probably gave those two too much credit.

Still, as off-color as the pair's jokes were, they still managed to accomplish the job they set out to do: getting Conis to smile, however melancholy the smile might have been. So, really, I couldn't fault them for whatever they did… at least, up until Soundbite moved to _that_ song. I should have seen it coming, really; we had an actual fox onboard now, so the opportunity was too much for him to pass up on. I could only imagine how bad it would be if Soundbite taught Su the lyrics… or even worse: the rest of the crew actually _liked_ the song. Like he didn't enjoy spouting earworms like crazy already!

I shook my head as I refocused on the matter at hand; the treeline was approaching, but I had no way to inform my crewmates, and especially not Conis, of exactly what we were going to face when we got there. I didn't even bother with contemplating choosing another path besides Satori's; Zoro was the only one who'd be able to reliably go toe-to-toe with Ohm, even without the Iron Cloud traps. Idiot though Gedatsu was, one wrong step on his turf meant a Swamp Cloud bath. And though Soundbite could make quick work of Fuza, we were still expecting Shura to attack the Merry, plus we had no way of reliably countering his String Clouds. Basically, of the priests, only Satori's turf wasn't a guaranteed death sentence.

…Alright, so I did _consider_ the other paths, but only to confirm that the best choice was to stick with what we knew. But I was itching for some way to fill in the gap as we got there with some kind of meaningful conversation, while at the same time not saying anything that would draw more of Eneru's ire than we already had. But what was I supposed to—?

"Excuse me, Cross?"

Conis' voice broke me out of my thoughts, prompting me to turn and look at her. "What is it, Conis?"

"I've been wondering for a while, I've never learned all that much about Devil Fruits," she said, her face curious. "Not many of the Blue Sea Dwellers who have come to Angel Island over the past several years had them, and even fewer were willing to talk about their powers. I know that they give whoever eats them great power at the cost of never being able to swim again, but that's about it. Could you tell me more about them?"

I glanced back at the approaching treeline before shrugging. "Sure, it's pretty simple, really. There are three different types of Devil Fruit. Zoan-types give the power to turn into a specific animal, like a jackal, a falcon, or a horse; those users are usually close-combat fighters, taking advantage of the extra strength the fruit gives them. Logia-types give the power to turn into a specific element or control it, like smoke, fire, or sand. They're renowned as the most powerful of the three types, both for offensive purposes and the fact that unless you have a counter for the element they turn into, it's impossible to hurt them. And Paramecia-types… well, they cover anything else."

"Anything? That seems… I don't know… risky?" Conis said uncertainly.

I shrugged. "Any Devil Fruit is risky; most people who eat them never know what powers they'll get until after they get them. And sure, some abilities are more inherently powerful than others, but no power is useless; it all depends on the user's ingenuity and dedication. For example, at first glance, you wouldn't think that controlling sound would be all that useful of an ability, at least not from an offensive standpoint. But with how much practice Soundbite put in, he's made it a lethal force."

"I'M A _**BADASS,**_ _BABY!"_ Soundbite cheered in agreement.

"Another example from earlier in our crew's journey is the Kilo-Kilo Fruit, which allows the user to shift their weight upwards and downwards in increments of kilograms. Doesn't sound that useful, but the user was an assassin who put it to good use by shifting her weight to a single kilogram, so that she could jump absurdly high and float with a parasol, before ramming it in the other direction to several _thousand_ kilograms, so that she hit with the force of a small meteorite. And that's just two examples out of the few dozen that I know, and even that's a small percentage of how many there are; the Paramecia fruits are the most common of the three kinds."

"I see," Conis nodded sagely before tilting her head curiously, and maybe a bit hopefully. "I don't suppose you know how powerful a Paramecia fruit can be?"

I smiled darkly. "Down on the Blue Seas, any conversation about the strongest _starts_ with seven people. To my knowledge, of these individuals, five have Devil Fruit Powers. Only _one_ was a Logia-user; the other four are all Paramecia-users. And they're _still_ feared the world over, Logia or no Logia."

"Coooool…" Su whistled in awe.

"Indeed," I nodded in a somewhat absentminded manner as I noticed how we were now entering the forest, passing between flaming effigies of wood and bone and statues of molded vearth alike, as well as a small cemetery's worth of wrecked ships that _had_ to have been purposely arranged. "So, Conis, how likely is it that we're going to have to deal with a lot of traps from this point onward?"

"Um… _very_ likely, I think," Conis noted nervously as she glanced around at the _literally_ giant-sized trees that surrounded us. "At least until we reach one of the Priests' areas."

"Perfect! Soundbite, keep your… um, _hearing_ open—"

"TOOK YA _this long_ **to figure out that I** _DON'T HAVE EARS?"_

"And Luffy, Sanji, Lassoo, Donny, and Leo? Keep your eyes open," I continued, ignoring Soundbite's jab. The snail rolled his eyes, but nonetheless began concentrating. Then he abruptly grimaced.

" _EVERYONE, keep your_ _ **eyes**_ **on the PATH,** AND _**be ready**_ **to parry ON MY MARK,"** he said.

All five took their positions, warily scanning the shadows of the forest.

"Be very, _very_ careful," I warned them as I watched the darkness. "This place is perfect for a veritable array of deathtraps that could be hiding in any number of nooks and crevices."

"What the heck do _you_ know about deathtraps, white bread?" Lassoo snorted.

I promptly sat up with a jerk, giving the mutt-weapon an incredulous glare. "Ex- _cuse_ me?! What do I know about—? I will have you know that I _grew up_ with the Indiana Jones series!"

"Indiana who?" Conis blinked in confusion.

" **Dun du-dun DUN,** _dun du-DUUUUN!"_ Soundbite sang even as he kept his eyes on a swivel.

"Indiana Jones is an adventure series from back home," I explained. "It's about the adventures of the titular archaeologist, who delves into countless forgotten tombs in order to liberate their treasures so that they might be shared with the world! Of course," I shrugged helplessly. "The ancient people who built said tombs didn't _want_ their treasures to be stolen, so the tombs were always stocked full of a variety of deathtraps. These traps included swinging blades—"

"LEO! **PARRY** _ **right!"**_

The blue-bandanna-wearing Dugong promptly unslung his blades and swung them in the direction in question, only _just_ managing to catch the blade of a titanic scythe that had been about to bisect us. One heave later, and it was swinging harmlessly over our stern.

Of course, it wasn't the only one. Almost a _half-dozen_ of the things swung out of the jungle and tried to tear into us, practically all at once, at that. It was only thanks to the panicked actions of Donny operating the Dial Engine, Luffy and Sanji smashing away the weapons by the flats of their blades, and Lassoo _blasting_ the mechanisms hidden in the forest that we remained uninjured.

"—often with tribal faces, much like these…" I calmly mused as I observed my very on-edge crewmates. "As well as dart-launchers—"

" **GET DOWN!"**

We hit the deck, pressing ourselves against the floor of the boat as a series of wooden clicks echoed out of the jungle and a rainstorm of _thunks_ littered the sides of the Crow. When we righted ourselves, the woodwork of the ship was absolutely peppered with sharpened wood stakes.

"Spring-loaded spears hidden along the often-traveled path—" I continued as if we were in a classroom and not a trap-ridden jungle.

"VEER _**Left!**_ **RIGHT!** _ACCELERATE!"_

The Crow pulled off an impressive display of veering and maneuvering as it dodged and wove around the mess of wood stakes that erupted from the bed of the Milky Road.

"Giant monsters, as well as deadly snakes…" I continued, by this time sporting an eager grin.

"GIANT SEA SNAKE!" Luffy shouted, prompting Sanji and Donny to leap at the monster and smash its jaws open, followed by Lassoo blasting a bomb down its gullet.

"Actually, I think that was a lamprey…" Donny muttered.

"And, of course, the classic booby trap that became a downright cliché in all subsequent works—"

"WILL SOMEONE SHUT HIM UP ALREADY?!" Su yelped.

"—the giant rolling boulder of doom," I finished.

And… nothing.

"Aww…"

 _THUNK!_

"OWCH!" I yelped as I clutched my throbbing skull.

"DON'T SOUND SO DISAPPOINTED, DUMBASS!" Sanji, Lassoo, Su, and the Dugongs roared.

"Oh, thank—!" Conis started to sag…

Before we passed between a pair of steel rails that had been sloped down from the jungle's canopy and aligned only a foot or two above the surface of the Milky Road.

" _Uh-oh…"_ Soundbite muttered.

"Maybe it won't activate?" Conis said hopefully.

She received the answer in the form of a rolling rumble echoing from up above.

"If I have learned one thing from my sixteen hours with this crew, it is that one should _never_ say something like that; it's merely an invitation for someone watching to laugh at you when it happens anyway," Isaiah commented dryly.

"A fair evaluation," Su nodded in agreement. "I, however, have a counter-proposal."

She then used Conis as a springboard to leap at me, hackles raised. "THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT!"

"GAH! OWOWOWOW _SHIT! GET THIS MANGY FURBALL OFF OF ME!"_

"Su!" Conis protested as she tried to wrench her pet off of my face. "Could someone help me, please?!"

"My sincerest apologies, dearest Conis, but I'm more inclined to dedicate my attention to _rowing the fuck away!"_ Sanji barked as he dug his paddle into the cloudy river.

"ON IT!" Donny and Leo concurred as they grabbed for the spare oars.

"And the reason you two aren't _towing_ is—!?" Lassoo trailed off incredulously.

The Dugongs froze up as they exchanged looks before grabbing a spare rope, wrapping it around the neck of the Crow and leaping into the cloud sea. One second later, the Crow shot forward, _just_ fast enough that the enormous and impeccably spherical boulder wasn't catching up with us.

Finally, thankfully enough, the rails veered to the side into the forest and the boulder was carried away from us, and onto a curving path back into the forest. After that, we floated along in relative peace, broken only by my attempts to keep Su from ripping my face off, which my crewmates, _and Conis,_ by this point, were casually refusing to help me with.

Finally, I'd had enough. "SOUNDBITE! GASTRO-PHONY THE FOX!" I snapped.

"NO—!… _ **gladly!"**_

There was a burst of air and Su halted for a moment in her attempt to rip my face off, giving me _just_ enough time to grab her by the scruff of her neck—

"HURK!"

 _SPLAT!_

—at the exact same time as I was reminded of what Gastro-Phony did to its targets.

"…Soundbite? If we happen to meet Eneru, remind me to let you speak your mind," I said calmly, as if I was not, in fact, soaked from head to neck in fox vomit.

" **HAHAHA** _ **HEEHEEHEE**_ _hoohoohoo!"_ Soundbite cackled.

"Tseeheeheehee…" Su snickered in spite of her slightly sickly tone.

"Oh, Su…" Conis sighed as she took her pet out of my hands.

"As satisfying as that was, it's also murder on my sinuses," Lassoo muttered, punctuating the point with a nasty grimace and scrunched muzzle.

"Allow us," Donny and Leo chorused as they grabbed me beneath my armpits.

"Wait, wha—?" I barely had time to blink as Luffy snatched Soundbite off my shoulder. "Nonono—!"

 _SPLASH!_

"…Is this going to be a _thing_ until we get back to the blue sea?" I ground out as I clawed my way back onboard. "Because if so, rest assured, I can be _much_ worse than I've been up until now."

Conis chuckled uneasily. "We'll be sure to keep that in mind, right, everyone?"

A pause.

" _Your stunned silence is VERY reassuring,"_ Soundbite drawled.

"We're not silent about that, shit-snail…" Sanji corrected.

"We're all looking at that!" Luffy grinned eagerly as he pointed ahead.

I turned my gate in the indicated direction, to be met with the four-mouthed gate indicating the direction of the four Ordeals.

Conis's reaction was much more visceral, her body locking up as she stared at the names. "The Ordeal of Swamp, the Ordeal of Iron, the Ordeal of String, and the Ordeal of Balls," she read fearfully. "Each of God Eneru's four priests presides over one of the Ordeals; I've only heard rumors, but I know with certainty that the survival rates are…"

"Not encouraging," Su provided venomously.

"So… which one is the least dangerous?" Donny asked.

Su shrugged and shook her head dismally. "I'm not sure. All the animals in there are tamed by the priests, so they don't talk with anyone outside and attack anyone who goes in. But going off of what I've heard of the priests themselves… we should steer clear of the Ordeal of Iron and the Ordeal of String."

Sanji pointedly turned towards me, and I held my finger up in a 'wait' signal.

"I say we go for the Ball!" Luffy said, grinning eagerly. "That one sounds like fun!"

"Satori…" Su mused. "The… weirdest of them, I've heard. Better than Ohm or Shura, at any rate."

"Well, the captain has spoken," I said with a sigh, though the smile I was sporting was all that the crew needed to see. Sanji turned the wheel towards the rightmost tunnel, and in a matter of seconds, we were plunged into darkness.

We sailed on in silence for a bit until I decided it'd be best to try and lighten the mood a little. "Hey, Soundbite, how about some appropriate music for an ominous tunnel?" I asked cheekily.

" **Ooh, GOODY!** _There's no earthly way of knowing~, which direction we are going~"_ Soundbite crooned in Gene Wilder's voice. " _There's no knowing where we're rowing~, or which way the river's flowing~"_

"Will you give it a rest?!" Su snapped.

" _Is it raining, is it snowing~"_ Soundbite sang on, doubling his volume. " _Is a hurricane a-blowing~_ " Then he suddenly gasped. " _Not a speck of light is showing, so the danger must be growing… are the fires of hell a-glowing? Is the grizzly reaper mowing?!"_

"Cross, will you _please_ shut that damn snail up already!?" Sanji demanded.

"You _are_ joking, right?" I deadpanned.

" _YES! The danger must be growing, for the rowers keep on rowing… AND THEY'RE CERTAINLY NOT SHOWING… ANY SIGN THAT THEY ARE SLOWIIIIIIII_ _ **AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"**_

The last line devolved into a shriek of terror as we shot out of the tunnel like a cork from a bottle, hanging in the air for the _briefest_ of moments.

I glanced around in confusion at everyone's frozen expressions. "Oh, come on, don't tell me you didn't see the 'inevitable waterfall' cliché a mile off."

"I hate you, Cross," Su whimpered.

" _JOIN THE CLUB!"_ a chorus of voices from persons both present and gastropod-based agreed.

And just like that, gravity reasserted itself, sending us all plummeting into the abyss.

 _SPLASH!_

Well, for half a minute or so, at least, until we impacted the Milky Road waiting below.

I chuckled as I slowly righted myself, bracing against the prow of the ship in an effort to still my slightly shaking legs. "Well, _that_ was certainly a rush! Anyone else wanna go for round two once we're done with all this?"

"I DO! I DO!" Luffy piped up eagerly. "That was awesome! I thought I was gonna die!"

"SO DID WE!" Sanji, Lassoo and the Dugongs roared with considerably more heat.

"Hey, look at it this way: it could have been worse." I grinned at the disbelieving looks everyone shot me. "I mean, imagine if _someone_ had guessed that we'd gone through a door that would drop us off the edge of the clouds. Wouldn't that have made the whole thing that much more terrifying?"

Everyone familiar with our captain's antics grasped the hidden meaning in my words, and glared furiously at Luffy. Unfortunately for me, that still left two others, one of whom was practically glowing with anger.

" _I'm going to kill him,_ " Su snarled, her eyes cracked open and glaring at me.

Thankfully, the cloud fox was still held firmly in Conis' arms… while said angel was staring at me with an unreadable expression. She then glanced down at Su, then back to me, before shrugging her shoulders impassively. "Alright."

"Wait, wha—?"

And before I could react, Conis flung her pet at my _face._

" _EAT MY FANGS, BIG-MOUTH!"_

" _ARGH!"_

" _ **HOOHOOHOO**_ _heeheehee_ HAHAHA!"

"YOU LITTLE TRAIT _EAAAARGH!"_

About a minute later, I was damn grateful that I got those vitamins from Kureha, because I'm pretty sure that with the sheer number of bites I'd gotten, I would have been dead about a hundred times over otherwise. Thinking about it more, I was pretty sure that this would actually seem funny in hindsight, seeing how I looked now. And if nothing else, Su's viciousness proved that Conis had a good bodyguard even if worst came to worst.

But did any of that give me any consolation for the hundreds of bite marks on my face and upper body in general?

 _Not particularly!_

"Why do all Animal Companions have such an intense desire to maul me?" I groused miserably.

"Hey, _I_ never did anything to you," Lassoo mumbled, somewhat indignantly.

"You only half-count, Howlitzer," Su deadpanned as she spat out a few torn scraps of my shirt.

Lassoo paused as he considered that before shrugging. "Fair enough."

"And as for _you,"_ Su snapped her glare back to me. "In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a _fox._ We like being the smartest animals in our general vicinities, and your smart-ass attitude is _getting on my nerves!"_

"Bi—ergh," I cut myself off as the hundreds of punctures on my body burned. I pondered my options, and ultimately decided to go with the route _least_ likely to earn me any more pain from my allies. I gave her a flat, serious look. "Well, excuse me for being familiar with the pattern of events that are occurring to us. Remind me how much you want us to succeed here?"

Su bristled for a few seconds, but ultimately turned back to Conis with a huff. "Fine, I can't argue with that. But if we _do_ win—"

"Then you'll owe it to me to let me keep outfoxing you," I said with a smirk. "Besides, if it's making you this angry, imagine what it will do to the priests. Anger leads to distraction, and distraction in a situation like this leads to a cruel and unusual death."

It was hard to tell, but I'm pretty sure that after a few seconds, Su smirked at me. "Directing the smartass at others apart from me? Now, _that_ I can live with."

"Alright, now that _that_ little dilemma is solved, do you know anything else about this Satori, Su?" Donny asked.

"Well, we don't know a lot, but—!" Su started to look towards Donny before suddenly locking up, staring past him with a slight shiver.

The dugong sighed in resignation. "He's right behind me, isn't he?"

"No…" Su shook her head lightly. "It's just… the only thing I've heard about him is that he really likes balls."

Leo cocked an eyebrow as he crossed his arms. "We could have guessed that from the name of the Ordeal."

Su shook her head lightly. "No, I mean…" She jerked her chin upwards. "He _really_ likes balls."

We all followed the cloud fox's gaze and froze in shock.

"Uh…" I started slowly. "Am I having a stroke, or is the air _filled_ with floating ball-shaped clouds?"

Lassoo slowly nodded his head side-to-side. "Honestly? I think that's a _lot_ more believable than the reality of this whole situation."

I _really_ couldn't argue with that statement. Honestly, if you thought the situation was absurd in the manga, it was _nothing_ compared to real life. Countless orbs of pure white clouds were floating back and forth through the forest, as light as feathers despite ranging in size from exercise balls to almost twice that size. When you added in the fact that the Milky Road split off and crisscrossed through the trunks of the forest like some kind of massive deformed hydra, the scene as a whole looked like something straight out of one of M.C. Escher's sketchbooks.

"What the hell…?" Donny trailed off slowly, obviously trying to make some logical sense of the _illo_ gical scene he was being presented with.

"Well, this is certainly bizarre, but I must admit, it doesn't surprise me that one of the chief followers of someone who can rain down lightning half the size of the Knock-Up Stream would have a lair such as this," Isaiah reflected.

"Hey, maybe we got lucky and chose the path that's not dangerous at all!" Luffy grinned eagerly.

"I… seriously doubt that, Luffy," Conis swallowed, warily eyeing the balls that kept drifting just a little too close for comfort. "Satori has something of a reputation for being odd, certainly, but he has just as much a reputation for being sadistic."

"This doesn't make any sense…" Su muttered to herself as she snapped her head around. "All the animals who got out of here alive said that there _were_ other animals in here, but this place is dead as a graveyard. No birds, nothing on the ground, so where could they be?"

" _ **UH…**_ " Soundbite trailed off as he clenched his eyes shut in concentration, before snapping them open in panic. "DUCK!"

I jerked my head down _just_ as a roaring hiss sounded behind me and a large-ass snake shot out of a ball I hadn't noticed drifting by, biting through the space where my head had been moments earlier. Acting fast, I snatched Soundbite off of my shoulder and slapped him to the underside of the serpent's jaw. "Gastro-Blast!"

" _Ba-_ _ **BAM!"**_

The snake's head shot upwards, wrapping around the ball it had emerged from with a pained gurgle, hanging listlessly and dripping blood as we sailed away.

"What the hel—!?" Sanji started to curse before noticing another ball floating towards us. "Oh, _hell,_ no, not this time!" He reeled back his leg—

"MOVE!" Lassoo barked, tackling Sanji out of the way with his mass before blasting a baseball into the cloud, causing it to erupt in an _impressive_ explosion.

"The heck—?!"

"That cloud," Lassoo growled viciously. "It reeked of gunpowder."

"What the hell kind of madhouse is this place!?" Donny demanded, back to back with Leo as they brandished their respective weapons, ready to strike at any orb that drifted too close.

"Sadistic and smart…" I bit out. "The bastard priest took a minefield and made it _three-dimensional_ , and decided to throw in a bunch of other tricks besides just bombs."

"But is that really all?" Su wondered as she looked this way and that. "I mean, they're dangerous, sure, but it's not too hard to avoid them if they're just floating like this. There has to be more to it."

"Haha- _HA!_ It would appear that the sayings about the intelligence of foxes are true! Haha- _HA!"_

"Holy crap, one of the balls is talking!"

" _I'm not a cloud ball, you brat!"_

The rest of us who _weren't_ Luffy all froze as a _stupidly_ nasal voice came from a direction above and beside us, and slowly turned to look at its source. I then promptly found any fear I had melting away; despite the fact that I knew _exactly_ how formidable Satori was, actually seeing him in that very round outfit was… disarming, to say the least.

"…Are you serious?" I deadpanned. "Because, honest opinion here, if you want to look threatening, I don't think the best way to do it is by dressing up like a giant cream puff."

"Haha- _HA!"_ the creampuff in question cackled jovially. "Appearances can be deceiving, dear boy! Just like the surprise clouds you see all around us, you never know what could be hidden in an unassuming form like this! Ohm, Shura, and even that ignoramus Gedatsu all prefer straightforward intimidation. But I say, why not have a little more fun? That's why I'm so glad you picked my challenge, the Ordeal of Balls!" The rotund priest tilted his head downwards, emphasizing the sadistic gleam in his grin. "It only has a ten percent survival rate, you know! Haha- _HA!"_

"Is this guy really a priest?" Sanji asked skeptically.

"…I have to admit, looking at him, it _is_ kind of hard to take him seriously," Su admitted, before growling. "But judging from the fact that a snail just maimed a snake ten times its size, you should know that that doesn't mean much."

I nodded in solemn agreement at that. "Yeah, you're right. All too often, the stupid-looking enemies are the most dangerous because they've _earned_ the right to look stupid. And he's got a home-field advantage too, so if he starts the fight on his terms, he'll have the upper hand. Which means…"

I swiftly took a knee and held an arm out to Lassoo, who took the prompt and leapt at me, morphing into his gun-mode mid-jump. This allowed me to balance him on my shoulder and aim him at Satori.

"We need to end this before it can even begin!"

I positioned my finger on Lassoo's trigger, moments away from pulling it—

Satori grabbed the brim of his hat and tilted it down, hiding his eyes but not his smile. "Projectile, explosive, center mass."

—before promptly freezing, locking the muscles in my finger as I maintained my stance. I slowly tilted my head to the side as I stared at the priest. "You… have Haki, don't you," I said quietly.

Satori looked up at me in confusion. "Haki?"

"… that's right, I've heard it's sometimes called Mantra as well." I cracked my neck side to side as Satori raised his eyebrows. "Well, I guess you were right about having hidden talents up your sleeves, Pillsbury."

"What's Mantra, Cross?" Luffy asked, slowly sliding into a ready stance with his fists raised, a motion that prompted Satori to tense up himself.

"They usually call it Observation Haki on the blue sea," I explained, not breaking my eye contact with the priest. "Basically, it's a sixth sense that gives you the power to detect the presence of others around you, and predict their movements a few seconds before they make them. From what I've heard, it's possible for anyone to unlock the ability, but of the world's population, I'd say that the amount of people that ever do is only around five percent, tops."

"Haha- _HA!_ Your friend is accurate about the rarity of Mantra," Satori gloated. "There's a reason that God Eneru only has four priests under his command; aside from him, we are the only ones blessed with this ability in all of Skypiea."

' _Bar the little girl who trumps Eneru ten times over while doing it completely_ au naturel,' I added silently.

"He can predict our moves? THAT'S SO COOL!" Luffy exclaimed.

"Someone dope-slap him for me, please," I growled.

 _THWACK!_

"Thank you. Now, then…" I clenched one of my eyes shut as I took aim at Satori. "Let's deal with _this_ bastard."

And then… I did nothing. I maintained my pose, kneeling as I aimed at Satori. Unseen thanks to the angle of the barrel, I whispered out of the corner of my mouth at Lassoo. Soundbite then proceeded to relay the gun's responses to me, low enough that no one heard.

"…Cross?" Conis asked, warily shrinking away to the back of the Crow.

"Hahaha- _HA!_ I see!" Satori crowed, grinning menacingly. "You don't have the will to fire, do you? Foolish boy; did you come here thinking that this was a game? Allow me to inform you that it isn't! These holy Ordeals are trials of life or death! I am one of the Priests who serve the great God Eneru, and while my Ordeal's survival rate is not the lowest among the four, I did not gain and maintain that honor by being merciful! If you won't attack—" Satori hopped to his feet, crouching in preparation. "Then I will!"

It was at that moment that Lassoo stopped talking.

"You're right _and_ wrong, you know?" I called up at the priest, causing him to pause.

"Hm?" Satori tilted his head in curiosity. "What do you mean?"

"You're right in saying that I'm not going to shoot you," I conceded. "With your Haki, you'd see any direct attacks coming from a mile away, making a head-on assault completely and utterly useless."

Satori's grin widened as he nodded in agreement. "You've got the right of it there, boy! Trying to attack me is completely useless! Now, out of curiosity…" His grin became more mocking than sadistic. "How was I wrong, _hmm?"_

Now it was my turn to grin, a small smirk more than anything. "You said that this wasn't a game. Well, see, that statement was wrong on account of how I'm about to turn it into one."

Satori's smile faded into a thoroughly puzzled expression. "What are you talking about?"

"A game straight from the Blue Seas that's equal parts strategy and luck. You might have even heard of it…" My smile became feral as I swung my torso 90 degrees, pointing Lassoo at the mass of cloud balls he had told me to aim for. " _Billiards!"_

Satori started in panic. "Nononono— _WAIT!"_

I didn't. "CANI-CANNON BARRAGE!"

And just like that, the cannon I was carrying started rumbling, launching out a hail of baseballs that hit cloud ball after cloud ball after cloud ball dead-on, sending them ricocheting off against the ground, the trees—and more importantly, _dozens_ of other cloud balls at a time, starting an absolute _shitstorm_ of a reaction.

"CONIS, MAX SPEED!" I roared, tossing Lassoo down and allowing him to morph back into his hybrid form and continue shooting cloud balls so as to keep the momentum going, while I braced myself. Everyone else promptly did the same as Conis complied, leaping to the front of the ship and triggering the Crow's Breath Dial for all it was worth.

"HEY! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK— _GAH!"_ Satori's enraged shriek was aborted by a yelp of terror he let loose as he narrowly avoided being brained by a ballistic cloud ball ricocheting towards him. He'd barely managed to regain his balance when he was forced to spin on his toes in order to dodge around another ball. He was then forced to take a spinning leap upwards as yet _another_ ball knocked into the one he'd been standing on, ricocheting it off into the madness. Credit where it was due, panicked though he was, Satori was on the ball (pun intended); he dug his Ball Dial out of his pocket, oriented himself so that it was beneath him and activated it. The new cloud was just forming…

 _WHOMP!_

"AGH!"

When a fourth ball blindsided him, going so far as to sprout tentacles and grab hold of him before yanking him along and out of sight.

A few moments later, we were well on our way towards the exit of the Lost Forest, and I couldn't stop grinning.

"Um, Cross? Not that that wasn't completely awesome, but… what just happened?" Su asked hesitantly.

"Observation Haki, or 'Mantra,' as you know it, is a powerful ability, but it has three key weaknesses, two of which I just exploited," I explained. "The first is that it can only predict direct attacks; if you don't know where you're aiming, they can't know it either. And the second is that you have to keep yourself focused to actually be able to 'see' jack. If you get flustered or lose your nerve…"

"Then you're dead meat," Leo nodded firmly, absentmindedly using his blades to slice through a ball that was coming towards us that Soundbite indicated. It was easy to defend when you knew which ones had literal live ammo and which ones were explosive or trip-wired.

"Exactly. Looks like for all of his gloating, Satori relied too much on getting the drop on people and forcing them to fight while off-balance and panicked, and it might have worked, too," I shrugged with a snicker. "Iiiif I wasn't savvy enough to know about the ins and outs of Haki and how to exploit them. I guess spending seven years whiling the day away with storytellers and good books paid off."

"Hmm…" Donny mused contemplatively as he used his staff to send another wayward ball careening back into the mess. "I don't suppose any of those mentioned how to _learn_ Observation Haki, did they?"

I scowled darkly. "Not a one. I _tried_ getting instructions from someone who knew them, but he was either a moron or a total—!"

"Cross," Luffy warned me testily.

"Mmhmm…" I interrupted myself with a self-conscious cough. "Still, come on, Luffy, after that upstaging he did back in Nanohana?"

"Heheh. Yeah, he can be a bit of a jerk, can't he?" Luffy chuckled before going completely serious. "He's still my brother, though."

I sighed, knowing that was probably all I was going to get. "Fair enough, captain."

That done, I scanned over the boat, noting the white-knuckled grip Conis had on the wheel. "Hey, you alright, Conis?"

The angel twitched slightly before sagging with a sigh. "It's just… the ease with which you dispatched Satori…"

"Let me stop you there, Conis," Su prompted as she leapt onto her owner's shoulders. "First, if you're thinking about how Satori was supposed to be this big and undefeatable monster, remember: monsters can still be human, and vice-versa. And second, if you're thinking that you could have beaten him sooner if you were braver, newsflash: you had every reason to be terrified of fighting back. If you'd tried fighting back… well, you experienced it firsthand. I might have been a bit forceful back in the house, but I _promise you,_ Conis, you did everything right, everything you needed to survive. That's what counts, right?"

Conis was silent for a moment before smiling lightly. "Yeah, you're right." She reached up and scratched behind the fox's ears. "Thank you, Su."

I whistled in awe as I watched the fox purr and croon beneath Conis' fingers. "Hot damn, puff ball."

"Psh, please," Su scoffed as her tail wagged at the praise. "I've been practicing cheering her up without speaking for years. I'm just putting all that to good use." She gave me a sly look over her shoulder. "You're not the only smart one here, smart-ass."

"THAT'S **up for DEBATE,** _ **cotton-tail!"**_ Soundbite chuckled underneath his breath.

"Bite me, slimestain," Su shot back pleasantly, waving her tail at him.

And so the trip through the Lost Forest remained relatively uneventful from there; Leo, Donny, Sanji, Luffy and Lassoo dealt with the Surprise Clouds while the rest of us just settled in for the ride. Su and Soundbite's playful banter was the most exciting thing to deal with up until the path finally sloped upwards towards the exit.

It was just as we were turning onto the path out that we were met with adversity.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, YOU HERETICAL SCUM!"

" _ **Oy, this guy,"**_ Soundbite groused as we turned to see that Satori had indeed managed to fight past the storm of petards we'd yanked him by. He was cut up, bruised, burnt, soaking wet, and even a little bit blown up, but above all else? He was _pissed._ And if his face wasn't proof enough of that, the several-dozen-cloud-balls-long dragon he was directing with a red-and-white striped cane certainly was.

"You're clever, I'll admit that much, but I'm not about to let you get away after making a fool out of me like that!" the priest shouted furiously. "Count yourselves lucky, for I will finish you with my signature ultimate technique, the Ball Dragon: Overlord Edition! Several dozen shrapnel and explosive orbs strung together in a devastating column; a single touch will detonate it and—"

That was as far as he got before I snapped my fingers and pointed at him, prompting Lassoo to spray a black projectile at Satori. As I expected, he was too angry to have any focus on his Haki, allowing the projectile to hit him dead-on and splatter, coating him head to toe in a viscous liquid that left him hacking and flailing.

"W-what the—!?"

"Cani-Plaster," I explained calmly, making a show of examining my fingernails. "It's a close cousin to Cani-Slick. How do you like it?"

"Uh, Cross?" Luffy asked as he tilted his head in confusion. "How're they any different? They both cover the person in black slimy stuff."

"Indeed, Luffy, except!" I jabbed a finger up. "That where Cani-Slick is nice and slippery octopus ink, _this_ black slimy stuff is tough and adhesive _tar,_ capable of sticking like the absolute dickens. Allow me to demonstrate the difference. Lassoo?" I tilted my finger so that it was pointing at the ball Satori was just barely balancing on. "Cani-Slick."

"Oh, this should be fun," Sanji grinned as he read the situation, and the Dugongs and Luffy seemed to agree wholeheartedly from the way they were staring eagerly at the now horrified priest.

Lassoo bared his teeth before opening his jaws and spitting up yet another projectile, this one painting the snow-white cloud ball black. Satori _tried_ to leap off of his perch, but promptly lost his traction on the ink. His feet flailed and skidded uselessly for a few seconds until his rotund mass worked against him, causing him to make an _impressive_ flip before belly-flopping onto the ball stomach-first, which he stuck fast to. He tried to push himself free with his spread-eagled arms, but his efforts were ultimately for naught.

"You… _YOU…!"_ he spat irately.

"Let me explain the difference between you and us, Pillsbury," I stated as I glared up at the priest. "Us, we Blue Sea Dwellers? We rely on our skills, which we work hard to train and perfect until we can stand up to any enemy, and either overpower them or outsmart them. You? All you've got going for you are a bunch of tricks. Hiding behind smoke and mirrors to make yourself seem bigger than you already are."

" **NOT THAT HE** _needs the HELP!"_ Soundbite cackled.

"Well, I've got news for you, o wonderful wizard," I smirked as I jabbed my finger past him. "Your strings are starting to show."

Satori followed my finger and promptly paled (or at least I assume so, the tar made it difficult to tell) as he caught sight of the nigh-invisible wire he'd been using to direct his 'Dragon', outlined by globs of tar.

The priest's already panicked breathing accelerated as he snapped his gaze back to me, obviously terrified out of his wits. "W-w-what are you going to do to me?" he whimpered.

I shot him a feral grin as I tapped my finger against my skull. "Why don't you. Tell. Me."

Satori stared at me for a moment, before starting to flail and wail in a desperate attempt to unstick himself, gibbering in panic.

"Soundbite," I snickered at the display. "Some… _appropriate music,_ if you please?"

The snail roared with laughter as he nodded. "ON IT, _MAESTRO!"_ And with that, the air filled with a _very_ specific organ tune, which started slowly mounting in tempo.

"Captain," I grinned widely as I turned to face Luffy. "If you would please? _Batter up."_

Luffy matched my grin tooth for tooth as he unslung his pipe and began twisting up his body and arm, as if he were preparing for a combined Pinwheel and Rifle attack.

"GUM-GUM…" Luffy shouted as he leapt into the air towards the priest and slowly began untwisting, heedless of Satori's frantic screams and threats.

By the time his pipe struck the ball dead-on, its speed gave it a striking force that would have made Mr. 4 green with envy… eventually.

"HOME RUN!"

Needless to say, the priest and his prison were sent _flying,_ ricocheting off of tree-trunk after branch after tree-trunk, with the Ball Dragon trailing close behind.

" **And he, is…"** Soundbite started eagerly, tilting his head in preparation…

 _ **KRAKOOM!**_

For the absolutely _earth-shattering_ detonation that occurred a minute later.

" **OUTTA HERE!"** Soundbite sang joyously, swaying from side to side.

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the third and most blatant weakness of Mantra: predicting an attack is useless if you can't do anything to keep it from going through," I said smugly.

"…Conis?" Su started numbly, obviously still trying to process what she'd just seen. "Do you still think it was a bad idea to ask them for help?"

"Let me get back to you on that, Su, once I've convinced myself that I'm not dreaming," Conis replied in much the same tone.

In a flurry of tropical flowers, Sanji spun up to her and grasped her hands eagerly as he took a knee. "The only one dreaming here is I, sweet Conis, for it is only in the realm of dreams that I might encounter a Goddess as awe-inspiringly beautiful as yourself!" he eulogized.

Conis stared down at Sanji in wide-eyed awe for a minute before slowly turning her gaze back to Su. "Things like this aren't helping."

"Welcome to life with the Straw Hat Pirates," Donny chuckled ruefully. "Bid your last farewells to your problems and your sanity, because they'll never come back."

"…It's still worth it… right?" Su muttered the last part more to herself than anyone.

Leo's eye twitched viciously as he stared at something only he could see. "Let me get back to you on that after I get into a _really_ big fight."

I chuckled before clapping my hands. "Alright, all of that aside, we do still have crewmates waiting for us. Sanji, take the wheel. Everyone else, be on your guard; we're not out of the woods yet."

Conis and Su settled out of the way, the latter's sense of humor clearly numbed in the face of seeing one of the 'almighty' Eneru's priests lose so thoroughly and easily, and Sanji complied, accelerating the Crow up the passageway and out of Satori's forest. As we left, I couldn't help but frown a little at the belt that I was wearing.

"Looks like I didn't need to ask Usopp if I could borrow this after all," I muttered, tracing my armored fingers along the grappling-hook launching mechanism, complete with custom-installed rope-release latch.

"What's that, Cross?" Luffy asked curiously.

I shrugged as I sat down and leaned back, enjoying the ride, as much as I could given how deep we were in enemy territory… and how high off the ground we were, for that matter. "Eh, just meant to be a precaution I got from Usopp when I heard we'd be going into a huge-ass jungle. It's always a sign of a plan going off without a hitch when you come out of it with backups left over!"

"I should probably call you out on saying something like that, Cross," Sanji mused before blowing out a cloud of smoke. "But honestly, I'm inclined to agree. I don't think that that could have gone any better."

"Eh," I waved my hand side-to-side. "It would have been better if we'd managed to loot him for any Dials he had on him. But, meh," I shrugged indifferently. "Chances are he'll still be there for awhile, and we're making great… time…"

I trailed off as I caught sight of the field of skulls on pikes that we were entering into, the story's events flashing through my mind.

"Soundbite," I started slowly. "Can you hear any… gunfire or open warfare in the distance or…?"

Soundbite shrugged, inasmuch as he could. "NADA."

" _Damn it…_ "

Absolutely fucking brilliant. Not a single one of my plans until now had worked how I wanted it to, and the _one time_ everything actually did go as well I could have planned it, it went _too_ well. We were supposed to have a perfectly smooth journey from the Lost Forest to the Sacrificial Altar, with only a brief run-in with Wiper (and, depending on how things turned out, a roller coaster ride on the Milky Road) to interrupt that. We were supposed to arrive at the altar to find our crew waiting for us, and spend the rest of the day resting and preparing for the war tomorrow. We were _not_ supposed to meet any more adversity from Eneru's lackeys until then, when the self-proclaimed god's survival game began. And all of that was supposed to happen because we were supposed to struggle with the Ordeal of Balls.

But we didn't. We beat Satori way ahead of schedule.

Which meant that we arrived in the skull-filled field before Wiper had organized his troops and moved out.

Which meant that Eneru's other priests weren't occupied right now.

Which meant that waiting for us in the field was our collective death sentence in the form of a bald, muscular man with horned glasses and a sword of iron cloud, riding a giant pale-yellow dog.

"So, Satori lost," Eneru's most powerful disciple intoned as he turned towards us. "I can't say that I'm all that surprised."

"T-t-that's Ohm," Su squeaked, trembling both at the priest and the massive mutt he was riding. "He-he's supposed to be the strongest of all of the Priests. And the _cruelest._ W-w-which means that we're in the middle of—!"

All at once, the jaw of _every_ skull in the prairie dropped open, exposing the Dials hidden within.

" _The Ordeal of Iron…"_

I racked my brain hard for any way that I could get the _hell_ out of this situation without exposing how much I knew to Eneru, thinking hard about Ohm's weaknesses. Unfortunately, the only one I could think of was his arrogance, and it was about as justified as you could get considering how much trouble Zoro went through to overpower him. Damn it, I _needed_ something that I could exploit—

"WHOA, THAT'S A HUGE DOG! HEY, DOGGY! SHAKE!" Luffy said eagerly, holding out a hand.

Like the fact that that dog had been tamed too well, so that he followed every order he was given, no matter who said it! There was just one problem.

The dog wasn't moving, and it took every bit of control I had not to let my shock show.

"Foolish Blue Sea Dweller," Ohm drawled, tapping a hand on the dog's head, which somehow got it moving forward. "Holy only obeys physical commands."

' _Translation: Eneru got wise from observing Soundbite's powers, and told Ohm to put in earplugs_ ,' I realized.

"Any bright ideas for this one, Cross?" Sanji growled.

"Well, the dog is no problem; Luffy could beat that oversized mutt with one hand tied behind his back," I replied, still frantically searching my mind for any potential weaknesses for Ohm. "But the priest is another story; any moron could tell at a glance that this guy isn't going to fall for the same tricks that Pillsbury did."

"Correct," Ohm stated, now looking directly down on us as Holy loomed. "I have perfected my Mantra, and memorized every inch of the field where I stage my Ordeal." He adjusted his glasses, the light glinting menacingly off of them. "The survival rate is zero percent. From the day God Eneru took his rightful place as ruler of his domain, nobody has faced the Ordeal of Iron and lived to tell about it."

"Hmm. Nobody, you say?" Donny asked calmly, positioning his bo staff.

"Nobody," the priest confirmed.

"I see. Well, then, I think I know the best thing to do in this case," Donny said with the same tone. He then jabbed his staff directly behind him into the Crow's Dial Engine, causing it to roar to life before leaping to grab the boat's steering wheel. I fell off-balance as the Crow began rocketing down the Milky Road again, Ohm's only reaction being to slowly turn his head and watch as we made a break for it.

"Hey, what are you doing, Donny?!" Luffy demanded indignantly. "I could have kicked his ass!"

"Kick his ass on your own time, Luffy," Donny shot back. "But I'm getting _us_ and our boat out of here! Everyone here except you and Sanji falls firmly in that 'zero percent' bracket, and I don't intend to contribute!"

"While you may have a point there," I ground out, glancing around at the surrounding skulls and keeping an eye out for any tripwires the priest might have set up. "I'd suggest we still move carefully; it looks like he's set his booby-traps up in the skulls. Leo, can you cut steel?"

"Uh…" Leo slowly took hold of his katana. "Maybe?"

"Yeah, well, you better figure it out fast, or else."

"Or else _what!?"_

Before I could respond, Ohm jumped off of Holy onto a specific patch of ground hidden by the grass and swung his sword through the air, causing a series of clicks to ring out throughout the prairie and a number of skulls to start vibrating, no doubt in the name of some sick and twisted sense of 'fair play'. I promptly snapped my head down, only _barely_ missing losing my head to one of several rods of stupidly rigid, barbed wire-shaped cloud that shot out of the Milky Dials around us, crisscrossing across the field.

"Oh, I'm just thinking that it might be useful, considering that this is the freaking _ORDEAL OF IRON!"_ I snarled. "So, either you figure it out or—!"

 _SHINK!_

" _AH!"_

" _CONIS!"_

We all snapped our heads around at Su's scream, and my heart skipped a beat as I saw that we hadn't dodged _all_ of the wires. Conis had a sizable cut on her temple and was bleeding heavily, though thankfully she seemed more dazed than actually injured.

" _Owww…"_ Conis hissed as she gingerly fingered the gash.

"Ooooh," Luffy winced sympathetically as he examined the wound. "That looks like it's gonna scar. Believe me, I know. Hey, look on the bright side! At least it'll be badass!"

"THAT IS NOT A BRIGHT SIDE, JELLY-BRAIN!" Su hissed indignantly.

"Agh, damn it. Does anyone here have any medi… cal… skills…?" I trailed off as the temperature on the boat suddenly began rising, and all eyes fell on our chef, who was staring back at the priest. His fists were clenched, flames licked all over his body, and the look in his eye was more murderous than Nami in a temper.

"That poor, foolish priest. Even worse than putting himself in a contest to pit his rugged handsomeness against my most divine physique, he has unwisely injured a lady in front of Sanji," Isaiah said solemnly.

"Nothing can save him now," Leo and Donny concurred together.

"DIS GON' _be GOOD!"_ Soundbite cheered eagerly.

" **You bastard…"** Sanji growled, the flames around him slowly mounting in intensity. " **How dare you harm this sweet, beautiful angel…"** And all at once, the flames raged up into a towering _inferno_ as he roared his fury to the truest of heavens _._ " **I'LL KILL YOU!"** And with that, he all but literally _shot_ off the boat and ran _over_ the Milky Road straight towards Ohm who, I was gratified to see, was thoroughly unnerved. The priest waited for what seemed like too long before bringing up his sword and widening it into a makeshift shield with which to block, and was still sent sliding backwards from the force of Sanji's kick.

Sanji then proceeded to unleash an absolute flurry of blazing strikes against the priest, moving so fast that he was a blur of red and black that the priest was _struggling_ to parry. And the traps did nothing either, for that matter! Any skulls within Sanji's vicinity were almost instantly obliterated from the shockwave of the conflict, and any wires of Iron Cloud that shot at him from a distance, well… Iron versus a pissed-off Sanji? Absolutely _no_ contest. It was only the sheer thickness of Ohm's Eisen Whip and its constant regeneration that kept the priest from getting reduced to a well-done piece of tenderized meat.

I observed the spectacle with an utterly dropped jaw. "How… but that fire, how did he… and Ohm's Mantra—?"

"Um, Cross? I think I can answer the second half of that," Donny proposed hesitantly. "You mentioned that if someone doesn't know what their attack is going to do, Mantra can't predict it, right?"

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Well… I don't think Sanji's fully conscious of what he's doing right now."

I blinked as I processed that. Considering the fact that Sanji was using both Diable Jambe _and_ Sky Walk way earlier than I could have reasonably expected—especially since I hadn't given him any tips on unlocking either of those techniques early—it stood to reason that he was less considering a plan of attack and more… attacking. Like Luffy back when Jango hypnotized him, there was no strategizing, just relentless, mindless offense. Honestly, it really made sense. What he was using wasn't so much Diable Jambe as it was the 'Flames of Hell' he'd acquired post-Kamabakka. Credit where it was due, it was… actually kind of honorable that his rage over a woman getting injured equated the intensity of the rage he felt whenever he thought of _that particular hell._

"Uh…" Conis raised her finger inquisitively as she stared at the ongoing brawl. "Should… I tell him that this was more of a flesh wound and it looks worse than it is, or…?"

"Eh…" I waved my hand side-to-side. "Let's put a _pin_ in that for now, agreed?"

Conis shivered as Ohm narrowly ducked under a roundhouse kick that left an uneven tan on his bald skull. "Upon further consideration, that might be for the best, yes."

Either way, upon thinking more about the matter, this was _exactly_ the kind of stroke of luck that we needed. Ohm may have been formidable, but like most of the priests up here, without being able to rely on his Haki, we—well, _Sanji_ had a chance of actually beating him. And if not, then at the bare minimum, he'd be able to buy us enough time to get away. Provided we capitalized on it, anyways.

"Alright, let's milk this for all it's worth." I eyed Holy who, for the duration of the conflict, had remained seated where he was, panting like an idiot. "Soundbite, can you not get through to the dog? Or the priest, for that matter?"

"NOPE, _THEY'RE_ _ **BOTH**_ _WEARING_ **earplugs,** " the snail confirmed. " _Good thing_ OHM _**didn't give him**_ **ANY COMMANDS!"**

"God bless the naturally non-existent IQs of the Giga-Boxer Hounds, Rocky Breed," Lassoo rolled his eyes with a snort.

"No kidding. Luffy, try to unblock the mutt's ears; if Soundbite can turn him against cue ball over there, we've as good as won; there's no way he'll be able to handle both of them at once."

"Got it. Gum-Gum Rocket!" he called out, flying off of the Crow and hitting Holy straight in the chest.

"Donny, Leo, Isaiah, start clearing away those skulls."

"EH!?" the amphibian martial artists choked in horror.

"And why, pray tell, should one as handsome as I—?" the avian started to ask.

"Because you can fly above and around the tripwires and mark a path," I explained frigidly, before pointing at the dugongs. "While _they_ make use of the fact that this place wasn't built for midgets who are three-foot-nothing and crawl _under_ the instant-kill area while knocking down and disarming any more traps that are in our way! Capiche?"

The aqua-martial artists exchanged uneasy looks. "I'm not the only one starting to hate being a midget, right?" Donny hissed.

"Nope…" his compatriot concurred.

"Oh, come now," Isaiah said, sending a stern gaze at the dugongs. "We made the choice to stand by this crew for what they have done for us, am I correct?"

"Yeah…" the two dugongs said, rather unenthusiastically, before backflipping over the edge of the boat and into the tall grass… which prompted over a half-dozen cables of Iron Cloud to shoot through the air.

"WATCH IT, MORONS!"

" _YOU'RE THE REASON WE'RE IN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, JACKASS!"_

"Clumsy little…" I muttered mutinously as I dusted my cap off.

"GOOD HELP _**is so hard TO FIND!"**_ Soundbite snickered in a tone of voice that was painfully faux-reassuring.

"It truly is, yes. Now, Conis? Can I count on you to drive us out of here?"

The angel glanced at me in a semi-panicked manner for a moment, looking to be a few seconds away from something akin to a mental breakdown, only to slowly take a deep breath and steady herself, steel flashing in her eyes. "I'll do my best." And with that, she took the wheel and slowly revved up the Dial Engine, sending us cruising down the Milky Road.

Soundbite whistled in surprise. "WELL, _that's not_ **something** _**you see**_ **EVERY DAY**."

"You don't _seriously_ think I'd hang out with someone who didn't have a spine buried beneath all that fluff and feathers, do you?" Su sniffed imperiously. "She might be soft at times, but when push comes to shove, my girl _can_ be awesome."

" _Sorta_ **like CROSS,** " Soundbite reflected. "ONLY _SHE'S ACTUALLY_ _ **GOT A PAIR!"**_

"Har har, hilarious," I snarked before glancing at the last occupant of the boat. "And Lassoo—"

"Don't worry, don't worry," the dachshund-cannon waved his paw lackadaisically. "I know that any attacks of mine would ping off his Haki, and I know that the explosions would set off the traps. I'm good from earlier, I can wait."

Nodding in acceptance, I took the time to survey the status of our situation. Looking back at Sanji, it looked like his fire had gone out; he was fighting Ohm with about as much strength as I could reasonably expect at this point in the story. Fortunately for us, his hellfire barrage had done its job; Ohm was panting, and it seemed that his grip on his Eisen Whip was nowhere near as strong as it should have been. Luffy, meanwhile, was grappling with Holy; beating the dog up would have been a walk in the park, but for a mercy, Luffy was actually actively going for the earplugs. Unfortunately, that led to Holy actually being able to put up a decent fight, probably due to pre-given orders. He wasn't doing any damage to the rubber man, no, but he was inadvertently buying Ohm extra time, for whatever that was worth.

Finally, as the dugongs and Isaiah cleared our path past the final curve on the Milky Road, Luffy managed to latch onto Holy's head, wrapping his legs around the dog's neck much like a noose while his arms reached out towards his ears. The dog flailed as best he could, but ultimately, Luffy managed to dislodge one of the massive, presumably iron earplugs—

 _WHOOSH!_

Only for all of us to pause as a small group of guerillas on Dial skates shot into the clearing, their eyes set on the priest.

"Shandians!" Conis called out.

"Shandians," Ohm growled.

"Shandians!?" I repeated incredulously. What the hell were _they_ doing—!? Oh, crap, the invasion had already started. Well, there went my knowledge of relatively current events!

"We'll defeat the priests and charge God's Shrine! We will light the fire of Shandora!" the leader called out. At that point, I took in his details, and geeze, my current knowledge really _was_ shot; that was supposed to be Wiper charging. But judging from the brown mohawk and the pink, feathery, Doflamingo-esque vest, this could prove to be a turn for the better; that was Kamakiri, the only leader in the tribe who had both good standing with Wiper and a willingness to negotiate.

Ohm snarled in response, and with Sanji's attention diverted for the moment, he spun his blade downward and plunged it into the ground before putting his fingers to his lips and whistling.

"You fought well, Blue Sea Dweller, the most valiant enemy I've ever faced," he spat as Holy bounded over, dislodging Luffy in the process. "But the Shandian invasion occurring takes a higher priority, so I have no choice but to end this now. Die peacefully along with them."

"Like hell I'm letting you get away, you shitty priest!" Sanji snarled as he swung his leg at Ohm. Unfortunately, his opponent managed to dodge by swinging onto his pet's back in a practiced movement before the dog leapt into the trees. Just as a _symphony_ of clicking sounds filled the air.

Soundbite, ashen as his skin naturally was, _paled. "Ooooohhh SHIT!_ _ **EVERYONE BACK IN THE BOAT!**_ CONIS, **FLOOR IT!"**

The next second found Leo and Donny both leaping back onto the Crow, not caring how many traps they tripped in the process, while Isaiah dove to resume his perch. One second after that, Luffy got to his feet, one rubber arm stretching out to grab Sanji and the other reaching out to grab onto the accelerating Crow. The five Shandians had turned around by this point, Kamakiri electing to follow our example based on Ohm's words.

And not a moment too soon for either them or Luffy, as the area where they were promptly erupted in a twisted white reflection of Maleficent's forest of thorns, with every other square foot sprouting sharp, deadly spike-laden vines. And they continued surfacing all around the clearing, spreading out fast from where Ohm had buried his sword, hot on their tail.

"Notgoodnotgoodnotgoodnotgoodnotgoodnotgood!" Su yelped in panic, quivering next to her mistress.

"LUFFY, STRETCH OUT A LEG OR SOMETHING FOR THE SHANDIANS TO GRAB OR THEY'LL GET CAUGHT BY THE IRON!" I barked out. Luffy gritted his teeth in concentration as he let one of his legs trail behind him. Hearing my words and seeing just how fast the iron was approaching, Kamakiri grabbed onto the rubbery limb, and the other four soldiers followed his example, at which point their collective speed increased. The end result had the Crow filled past its maximum capacity… and the iron cloud slowly gaining on us.

"I CAN'T GO ANY FASTER!" Conis shrieked desperately.

" **ROADBLOCK!"** Soundbite screeched, drawing everyone's attention to the fact that the edge of the clearing, just in our range of vision, was blocked by an ornately-patterned barrier of spiked iron cloud, which was even now growing taller and curving upwards to cut off any escape route.

"Luffy, can you rocket us out of here?!" Sanji demanded.

"I don't have anywhere to grab onto!" Luffy yelled back, looking fearfully at the fast-approaching clouds.

"Soundbite, can you break it?!" Donny said.

"NO GOOD! **We'd be** _ **SKEWERED**_ _before it was SHATTERED!_ " the snail cried.

"Ugh, my Impact Dial doesn't have enough force to break it, either. Do any of you have something?!"

The Shandians' grimaces of fear, anger, and resignation were all the answer I needed. Gritting my teeth, I looked back at the blue-clad Dugong.

"Leo, you're our only chance! Cut the fence or we'll be killed!" As if to punctuate the point, the iron cloud had caught up and was blotting out the sun above us.

"I-I _can't—_ "

"Leo!" Donny yelped desperately, grabbing his co-student by his shoulders and forcing him to look him in the eye. "If we die here, then… then you should know that I've left a will onboard the Merry stating that I posthumously vote for _Mikey_ to be the new squad leader!"

In an instant, Leo's entire demeanor _shifted,_ his body going rigid as he held his swords out, the blades forming a pair of right angles with his body. " _Get down,"_ he snarled, and the fact that his tone was _Zoro-_ levels of feral made everyone else comply.

A moment later, a _whoosh_ of wind passed over us all as Leo spun into a blur of green, blue, brown and metal. After a few seconds of silence, we all slowly started getting up and were greeted to the sight of every barbed-wire cloud near the Crow broken, the profane totems that they'd been spewing from decapitated. And as Leo started to slide his blades back into their sheaths—

"O captain, my captain…" Isaiah breathed as he stared upwards.

We all followed the South Bird's view.

"Two Sword Style," Leo snorted firmly as he clicked his blades back into their sheathes. "Vitruvian Vindication."

And in the last second before the Crow sped out of the Clearing, we saw skulls rain down from the thorn-blotted sky.

" _ **Wow**_ …" Soundbite breathed.

"Yeeeaaah, fair warning?" Donny whistled. " _Never_ underestimate how far student rivalries can go."

I immediately wondered if I should start mentioning Kuina more often to Zoro if it made _that_ much of a difference… nah, I wasn't that suicidal, nor was I that desperate for him to get stronger faster.

"Leo? Unless you're _desperate_ to get stronger, don't use the words 'student rivalry' against Zoro," I muttered.

And just like that, Leo's calm-and-collected attitude cracked like a dropped plate of china. "Ooooh, _hell_ no, not in a _million_ years… or without an army between me and him." Cold sweat started waterfalling down his face. "Maybe not even then."

I nodded, and then noticed that we were still rocketing along the Milky Road.

"Uh, Conis? You can slow down now."

The angel jerked at the sound of her name, and the Crow slowed to a stop as she moved back from the accelerator, even paler than her usual complexion, her eyes wide with terror. Sanji moved to say something, only for her to start glancing around frantically. "Has anyone seen Su?"

There was a brief moment of panic as we all frantically looked around the boat…

"Uh…"

Before Donny slowly held up a twitching bundle of fur by its tail.

"What kind of lunatics have I unleashed?" Su moaned, her eyes open and spinning visibly.

" _OH_ , _come on,_ _ **was**_ **that little SHOW** TOO MUCH _**ALREADY? Wimp."**_

Su promptly snapped her head away in a sniff, her fur _somehow_ flattening out into a more dignified look. "As if. The only thing overwhelming about you all is your smell. How you can stand to go so long without bathing is beyond me! Pee- _yew!"_

I shot an exasperated look at Conis. "Pride: the _ultimate_ steroid."

"I'm starting to figure that out…" she sighed as she took her fox back.

"Fret not, sweet Conis," Sanji crooned before propping his foot up on the railing of the boat and jabbing his fist in the air. "For I swear, though your knight in shining armor might have failed in his duty in this instance, he shall never do so again! So long as you are within my sights, I shall allow no harm to befall thee!"

Isaiah nodded solemnly as he alighted on Sanji's shoulder. "Truly your machismo and valor are worthy of the Swagger tribe. While you are devoid of our most glamorously eye-catching plumage or our stern, valiant beaks, I am nonetheless honored to call you my brother in the ranks of gentlemanliness, which I assure you is a word."

"Are they always like this?" Su asked in a deadpan.

"THE BIRD IS _**new, but the COOK?**_ **PAR FOR** _the course."_

"Joy." Su twitched her ear in amusement. "At least the show is good."

Conis slowly managed a genuine smile. "Thank you. I think… I actually have hope that your crew can set us free," she murmured.

"I'm inclined to agree."

All eyes snapped to Kamakiri, including those of his squad, where he was giving us an appraising stare.

"…You defeated Satori. You nearly defeated Ohm and Shura. And you saved our lives when you had no obligation to do so," he stated.

I elected to shrug in a careless fashion. "Hey, you looked like you wanted cue ball's head too, and he wanted your heads as badly as ours. That's as much a reason for alliance as any." I then paused as I processed just what he'd been saying. "Wait, nearly defeated _Shura?!_ The heck happened at the Sacrificial Altar!?"

Kamakiri shook his head solemnly. "I'm sorry to say that I don't know. All we know is that a… source of ours—"

' _Aisa,'_ I filled in silently.

"Informed us that Shura weakened significantly about an hour or two ago, shortly after you defeated Satori. That's why Wiper decided that now was the time to invade the Upper Yard." Kamakiri sat up slowly, his hand drifting to the Burn Blade at his side. "That's our explanation for being here. What's yours?"

"Our cheap-as-all-hell navigator refused to pay the entry toll at Heaven's Gate, and we beat all the angel officers that came to fine and arrest us, so a giant lobster carried our crew away here, and we had to fight past tons of booby traps, a talking cream puff, and a bald guy with his giant dog on our way to them," Lassoo said boredly. Then he added in exactly the same tone, "And I'm not sure that's the weirdest thing that's happened to us since I joined this crew a few days ago."

Su and Conis both moaned miserably while Sanji moved to take the wheel, getting the Crow moving again towards the Altar.

"Also," Luffy noted darkly. "Conis and Su are our friends, and that Eneru-bastard's been hurting her for a long time now, so we're going to kick his ass."

You could hear a _pin_ drop with how tense the Shandians got.

"…I don't know what's crazier," Kamakiri finally said. "The fact that you just said that aloud _here_ of all places, or the fact that I actually _believe_ you."

"Personally, I think the crazier part is that Eneru didn't just obliterate all of us for Luffy saying that," Sanji said dryly.

"Eh, I'm guessing he thinks we're not worth the trouble," I waved my hand dismissively. "All we did was defeat one of his almighty priests and bring two of the others close to defeat. Not something that someone as powerful as him has anything to be worked up about."

"…good point," Kamakiri conceded.

"Anyway, if we're all against Eneru, is there any chance that we could form some kind of alliance?" I proposed. "I mean, one of you… the Berserker, I think he called himself?" I had to restrain a smirk at the way Kamakiri twitched. "Attacked us on the White Sea. We tried reasoning with him, and he said he wasn't willing to take any chances, but if we're all against Eneru, could we at least try working together for now?"

Kamakiri hung his head with a sigh of 'Damn it, Wiper' as he ran a hand through his mohawk before nodding slowly. "Yeah, alright, that sounds good. For now, you go to the Sacrificial Altar and see about regrouping with your friends. We'll go back out and try and regroup with ours. And see about maybe talking Wiper down from shooting at you guys on sight…" He grumbled the last part to himself, inciting a few winces and snickers from his squadmates.

I hesitated. A lot. There was an easy way that we could get Wiper on our side, and I could phrase it now in a way that wouldn't make Eneru think any differently about us. But was it worth it at this point? Was canon derailed enough that I couldn't reasonably make things worse at this stage? Would having the Shandians on our side from the start… be worth the risk of either island being destroyed?

In the end, I thought back to what Tashigi said back when we formed MI3: " _In for one beri, in for all of them."_

"Say… maybe this 'Wiper' guy, who I'm guessing is the Berserker I mentioned, would be more amicable if you relayed to him what we had to go through in order to get up here?"

 **-o-**

One conversation and round of introductions later, in which I couldn't be sure whether or not Kamakiri reacted to me mentioning Cricket's full name (and damn, those goggles did wonders for his poker-face), the five Shandians rushed off to rejoin their fellows. Here's hoping that staying with us didn't cost them too much, though considering the fact that two of the three priests they were facing were exhausted, and the last one was… well, Gedatsu, terminator-esque bastard that he was, I had my doubts that they could be in too much trouble.

After they left, Sanji accelerated, and aside from one or two run-ins with wildlife and wild rides (which, naturally, half of the boat's inhabitants thoroughly enjoyed, myself included), the rest of the journey went the way it was supposed to: without conflict or combat crossing our paths. Finally, we reached the edge of the forest.

"Soundbite, heartbeat count on the altar?" I asked tentatively, resolutely not facing ahead.

" **Mmm…** _THIRTEEN. Our crew,_ **GAN FALL,** _ **and the pony-bird**_ **."**

I didn't even react to the jab at Pierre; that was half of my worries eased, but the more pressing one still remained. So, steeling myself, I slowly looked out at the inlet to see the sacrificial altar erected in its center and… the _equally high pile of bodies next to it!?_

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" I bellowed incredulously as I stared up at the pile. Where the hell—!? Sweet shit, were those— _those were freaking Sky Sharks!_

As if in response, the bodies at the top of the pile started shifting around until a _very_ familiar figure appeared over the edge of the peak.

"Hey Cap'n, boys!" Boss waved at us eagerly, looking slightly banged up on account of the thick but still clearly bloody bandage wrapped around his chest. "You finally made it! Glad to see you're alright!"

Leo and Donny's jaws hit the bottom of the deck as they stared upwards.

"We will _never_ be as truly awesome as he is, will we?" Leo asked weakly.

"Signs point to _nope,"_ Donny concurred with a minor whimper.

I gaped in awe as I tried to process what I was seeing. "Boss… what…" I gestured at him weakly. "What the absolute _hell!?_ What the heck brought this on!?"

Boss's cheerful demeanor promptly evaporated like an ice cube in hell, a scowl blackening his mug as he folded his tail and sat on the pile. I blinked in confusion as the pile seemed to shiver before letting out a gurgle of realization: the sharks he was sitting on were neither dead nor unconscious; they were fully conscious but too _scared out of their bruised skulls_ to so much as move a fin and risk drawing Boss's ire!

"This," Boss rapped his fist on the shark he was sitting on, causing another ripple of twitches. "Is the end result of me working out my shame and frustration." The dugong burned through a third of his cigar in a huff and blew out an evil-looking cloud of smoke through grit teeth. "I lost, and I don't. Like. _Losing."_

" _WHAT!?"_

"ACK!" I yelped as Sanji bodily shoved his way past me in order to glare up at the dugong.

"You'd better not have let any harm come to the lovely ladies of our crew, you shitty-dugong!" the cook bellowed, looking to be a few degrees Celsius away from bursting into flames again.

Boss snorted and waved his flipper dismissively. "Oh, calm your tits, Sanji _._ Robin could handle ten of me at once, and Vivi and Nami, soft though they are, trained under my boys. Even if they had been here, which they weren't, they'd have been fine." Boss grimaced and shook his head. "No, no, nothing happened to them. If there's anything I'm ashamed about, it's what I let happen to the Merry."

I felt as though a surge of ice had been shot into my veins. " _What_ happened to the Merry, Boss!?"

Boss's cigar twitched in his mouth before he jabbed his thumb over his shoulder with a sigh.

I followed his thumb to the Merry and blinked in surprise. It… wasn't as good as I'd hoped, but much better than what I'd feared. The mast was still scorched and blackened, but overall it looked superficial, as did the scorched and charred scratches adorning her hull. Aside from Boss, the rest of the crew was busily stringing up the spare sailcloth, so that probably got burned, too. Unfortunately, the keel was obscured by sea cloud, so I'd have to ask Merry later tonight, assuming she did manifest the klabautermann again. And considering the severity of her injuries and the fact that even with extra help Usopp was struggling to patch her up, that occurrence appeared to be a foregone conclusion.

But like I said, it wasn't _that_ bad, so—

"IT'S YOU!"

Terry's shout was matched by Isaiah's smug yet _elegant_ grin. "It's me," he taunted. "Did you miss my magnificent presence that much?"

"ALL I MISSED WAS MY VOICE FULL OF _POWEEEER!"_ Terry shouted, somehow managing to flex his muscles while staying in the air. "YOU, I CAN DO WITHOUT! AFTER ALL, ONLY A BLIND MAN DENIES THE AWESOME POWER OF _BEAR GLOOOVE!_ "

"And yet Swagger remains the uncontested superior of the two."

"BEAR GLOVE!"

"Swagger."

"BEAR GLOVE!"

"You do know the definition of insanity, right?"

" _BEAR GLOVE!"_

"Shishishi, I love these two!" Luffy snickered.

"Yeah," Lassoo grinned as he watched my eye twitch. "There are always two shows at the price of one."

I, for one, grimaced miserably as I stared at the pile of sharks. "I wonder if I can convince one of those things to eat me…" I wondered ruefully.

"I imagine that many employees of the World Government would pay dearly to find a way to make that happen, Cross."

I jerked my gaze back up at the Merry, where one ultra-wanted archaeologist was grinning down at me. "Robin. Glad to see that most of the affairs on this end went off without a hitch. Mind telling me just what the heck happened?!"

Robin chuckled lightly, almost certainly at my annoyed tone, before pointing at a section of the shoreline. "I would suggest that you dock over there, Mister Jeremiah, and we will join you shortly. We have quite a bit to discuss."

And indeed we did. After Nami had given us an earful about Upper Yard being the missing half of Jaya—if I had to guess, I'd say she was both amazed and annoyed by the fact that the Grand Line could liberally rearrange geography at the drop of a hat like that—we got details on what had happened to the Merry.

As in the manga, the 'captured' group had decided to split up and explore the jungle for a bit, in order to discover some of the mysteries the trees held. In addition to Robin, Zoro and Nami, Raphey, Mikey, Terry, Carue and Vivi had also gone along for the chance at an adventure, while Usopp and Chopper stayed behind to watch over the Merry, and Boss stayed behind to watch over _them._ Things had gone on quite peacefully for a bit…

Until Shura happened.

In all fairness to the ship's guard, they'd actually managed to put up a damn decent fight against the bastard. In fact, they hadn't even blown the whistle until a minute or so into the fight because they didn't _need_ to. Between Boss's fantastic martial arts straining Shura's Mantra, the blast radius of Chopper's Cherry Blossom Blasts and the sheer miracle-quality that Usopp's sniping held, they might have actually run him off.

Sadly, the decision had been taken out of their hands once Shura had started attacking the one crewmate present who _couldn't_ defend themselves: the Going Merry herself. Boss had apparently managed to save her mast by using a Sky Shark as a living bucket with which to splash sea clouds on the flames, but a few flaming scratches later he'd willingly blown the whistle himself.

Credit to the Sky Knight, he'd arrived in minutes. And once he'd arrived, the tables turned _fast._ Between his own skills _and_ Pierre providing Boss the mobility he needed to keep up with Fuza? They had the so-called Sky Rider on the ropes. And they would have knocked him clear out of the ring, too!

Were it not for the fact that Shura decided to remind them both that they were fighting on _his_ turf. Damn String Dials… I made a note during the conversation to comb the landscape around the altar at the nearest opportunity, because ten to one said that _all_ of the priests had specialized Cloud Dials hidden nearby. I'd already let them abuse a home-field advantage once by forgetting to warn the team to check their surroundings before, I wasn't going to let it happen a second time.

Sadly, once Shura had them caught up in his strings, then he had them full-stop. A cauterized thrust clean through Gan Fall's chest that he was _stupidly_ lucky to have lived through, as well as a 2-inch deep penetration through the belly of Boss's shell. It wasn't much, but combined with an almost 600-foot drop, it was still enough to stun him. And on top of that, he'd spent the time before Shura's arrival using the Sky Sharks as punching bags, so they'd wanted a bit of revenge, too. Thankfully, the delay-and-acceleration of events worked in their favor where it hindered us: when the Shandians invaded, Shura elected to leave, survivors or no.

On the lighter side, thanks to his instinctively amped intelligence, Chopper had the wherewithal to _not_ throw himself into the bay to try and save his drowning allies. Of course, his hyper-logical mind instead prompted him to throw in someone _else_ who _could_ swim to fish the three out.

And really, when you were drowning in shark-laden waters with unnatural holes in your body, Usopp was one of the absolute _last_ people you wanted to have attempting to save you.

After that, things had gone as normal: the Giant South Birds proved themselves to be far more hospitable than their Blue Sea counterparts, Boss had displayed his still-strong vigor by unleashing holy hell on the Sky Sharks that had tried to eat him, and then the away team had returned and started to help the guards repair the Merry. The rest was history.

"And did everything go as well as you hoped on your end, Cross?" Vivi asked as they finished, night having fallen and Sanji halfway through preparing a large pot of soup.

"Ugh… yes and no," I groused.

"The first shitty priest that we met, Satori I think, was a complete wimp. All he had going for him was that Mantra ability, and since Cross knew its weaknesses, he and Lassoo did most of the work, and then Luffy finished him off," Sanji said.

"But Ohm was no pushover; Sanji got pushed to his limit, and right as Luffy got us the advantage we needed to turn the tables in our favor, the Shandians invaded and Ohm pulled a last resort out of the ground while he escaped," Lassoo growled darkly. "We almost lost our heads to it, and could've lost a lot more."

"Eesh, sounds rough," Nami winced sympathetically. "How did you survive?"

I made to answer, and then stiffened as I felt _something_ sharp press into the small of my back. "Blind luck," I enunciated carefully. I then allowed myself to relax as the sharpness was removed; a wild guess said that Leo thought that Zoro was too close for his comfort, and I wasn't willing to test him on it.

Whether they saw the Dugong's actions or not, everyone shrugged in acceptance. From there, it was a night that was pretty much par for the course for a _normal_ night with our crew: the injured trained as though they were invincible, the lazy slacked off as though they could get away with it, and the rest of us (me in particular) did whatever we wanted to pass the time between chores. I, for one, chose to kick back with a good fantasy book and make some progress into the reading. Honestly, one would think that a fantasy book in a world as fantastic as the Blue Seas would be somewhat… creatively stagnant, merely rehashing reality, but no, they actually had some damn decent authors.

Gan Fall woke up much earlier than I had expected, probably due to Chopper's advanced medical capabilities, and the reindeer in question had filled him in on the situation while we waited for Sanji to finish the soup. Following that, as we enjoyed another fine spectacle of Sanji's cooking, Nami finished her drawing and informed us of exactly what the land we were on was, and the knowledge of the City of Gold waiting for us elsewhere on the island. Spirits were high, but just as we were finishing our meals…

" **The SHANDIANS** _are here._ "

Everyone was immediately on their guard at Soundbite's announcement, turning their eyes towards where he indicated. No movement or sound came for a few seconds.

"We're open for negotiations; we won't attack if you won't," Vivi called. A few seconds more, and rustling came from the treeline as three distinct figures came out and into the light. Wiper's hold on his bazooka was firm, as was his frown, but he wasn't glaring at us with as much venom this time. Kamakiri seemed to be the most at ease, though one hand was staying close to his Burn Blade. And alongside them was the black-haired female commander of the Shandians, Laki, arguably the most reasonable among all of them, though the fact that she was holding her rifle close to her chest showed that she wasn't unprepared either. I couldn't say I was surprised at those three; the strongest warrior and the two most reasonable commanders among the Shandians was pretty much what I expected. What I _didn't_ expect, however, was to see a girl in a light brown dress with brown hair visible beneath her cloth cap and a Burn Blade in one hand piggybacking on Laki's shoulders.

"I take it you recruit young?" I commented weakly, in spite of the warning glare Vivi sent at me the moment I opened my mouth. "Sorry if that's an inappropriate question, it's just that she seems a bit… out of place with you, is all."

Wiper glared at me for a second before jerking his chin at Conis with a grunt, causing her to flinch back fearfully. "The same could be said of the Skypiean fraternizing with a group of Blue Sea Dwellers that are here to dethrone her god."

I hastily stuck my hand out against Sanji as he bit into his cigarette and made to kick the Shandian's head in. He would have forced his way past me to do it, too, if not for some… divine intervention.

"Eneru is not her people's god, Wiper."

All attention snapped over to the wounded Sky Knight, who was sitting up on his makeshift bed and panting heavily as he held a hand to his wound. Despite his obvious infirmity, he still managed to pin Wiper with an impressively stern glare.

"No more than he is mine. Or yours, for that matter," the old man stated firmly.

Wiper bristled visibly as he noticed the fallen god, while Kamakiri and Laki elected to step back warily. "Gan Fall—" the Berserker started to snarl.

"Save your insults, Wiper," Gan Fall spat out with more venom than I thought was physically possible for someone like him. "I was willing to humor your reckless attitude back in the day because you were a hotheaded youth and we still had time, but that is _not_ the case at this point!" The old man emphasized his point by ramming his fist into the tree-trunk he was leaned—holy fuck, the bark just splintered! Re-note to self: age equals badass around here, few exceptions.

Leaning on Pierre for support, the bird having shifted to his pegasus form for more stability, Gan Fall slowly got to his feet and paced over to Wiper, glaring at him. "She is here for the same reason these Blue Sea Dwellers are here, the same reason you are here and, as of now, the same reason that I am here: to overthrow Eneru's tyranny. Now, I am prepared to do whatever I must to help them succeed, including putting aside past enmity. But if you are not, I am quite capable of showing you that a lack of a desire to fight does _not_ indicate a lack of ability."

The two glared at each other for several seconds until Aisa tentatively spoke up.

"He's… he's telling the truth, Wiper."

As Wiper shot a glare at the girl, I took the opportunity to cut in. "You have Mantra?" I asked.

Aisa snapped her head towards me with a panicked expression. "W-what!? H-how did you—!?"

"We have it in the Blue Seas too, just by a different name," I hastily reassured her. "Some people are able to manifest it in unusual ways, like hyper-empathy for emotions and such. At a guess, Wiper brought you here to act as a lie detector or something?"

Aisa started to scowl and nod in agreement before flinching and cowering as Wiper renewed his glare at her. "No, we brought her along because Laki and Kamakiri couldn't say no to her whining, and even if we _had_ left her behind, she'd have just snuck here anyways," he growled out irritably. "At least this way, she's good for something."

Judging by the way Aisa jerked around from Laki and gnashed her teeth at the warrior, that was a bit too far. "Without me, you wouldn't have known that Satori had fallen, you big jerk!" she howled, emphasizing the point with a stuck-out tongue and a pulled eyelid.

"I think I like her," Su piped up.

" _ **DITTO,**_ " Soundbite grinned.

"God— _real_ God, if that's an actual thing—help me, this is starting to become a _thing,"_ I ground out as I pinched the bridge of my nose.

"She's small, bratty, and she's riding around on someone's back," Zoro noted idly.

"I know, right?" Nami breathed in awe. "It's almost _uncanny!"_

"Three Aisas?" Kamakiri asked in dawning horror. "You know, I'm starting to reconsider the negotiating idea."

"I AM NOT AN ANIMAL COMPANION!" Aisa snarled.

" _One of us, one of us,"_ Su and Soundbite chanted eagerly.

"Someone _please_ kill me…" I moaned. "Or preferably them?"

"I'm agreeing with you a bit too much for comfort, Cross…" Conis concurred as she gnawed on her thumb.

"Alright, enough!" Laki said sharply, drawing everyone's attention. She turned to Wiper and Gan Fall first. "We've had our disagreements with him in the past, but the fact that we're actually here is enough to prove that we're willing to compromise if it means reaching our goal. If that's still true, Wiper, then show it."

The berserker ground his teeth as he looked at Laki. Then, after a few seconds, he slowly turned to look at me. "Kamakiri said… that you came here with the help of a man named Montblanc Cricket. Is that true?"

"Yes. He was willing to help us because we believed in the possibility of something that sounded impossible," I explained.

"He sympathized on that note because of his past," Robin contributed, her tone purposefully careless, as though she hadn't already guessed the implications of what she was saying. "More precisely, because of his ancestor, a man who lived 400 years ago, whose outrageous stories of his adventures ultimately resulted in his execution when he showed his king to the site of a supposed city of gold, but found nothing there. The tale of Montblanc Noland the Liar has become a popular story in his home sea, and a point of indelible shame for his family."

That did it. Wiper's bazooka fell from his grip and clattered to the ground, and his jaw dropped open in horror, and the ones alongside him were similarly thunderstruck. Damn, but I was glad that I had let Robin in on all of this; she really had a silver tongue when it came to making people do what she wanted them to, and really, chances are that I would have just cocked things up if I'd tried myself.

"Noland… the Liar?" he repeated weakly. "Executed?"

I shook my head sadly as I spread my hands. "In cold blood. And to the very end, he never stopped repeating it. Over and over, he said that he'd seen a city of gold, and that if it had gone missing, it must have sunken into the sea. A logical conclusion, considering the Grand Line, but…"

"But that's not what happened, is it?" Terry asked, his voice once more uncharacteristically calm as he and Isaiah swooped in from wherever they'd been listening, looking down on the Shandians from a branch. "We lived in the forest below before these guys used us to navigate to the Knock-Up Stream. And for as long as we, our parents, their parents, and _their_ parents can remember, our job has been to protect the forest."

"The story goes that many years ago, a group of travelers were permitted to visit the island and its hidden city, Shandora," Isaiah continued. "A time after they departed, a catastrophe befell the island, when half of it shot into the sky due to the Knock-Up Stream. We have never found the island's inhabitants nor the city of Shandora since, and yet we guarded the forest with all the power we had to defend it from other intruders."

"And now we find out that the part of the island with Shandora on it is still intact… which makes you and your people the ones who live there," Terry finished.

"Our _ancestors_ lived there," Kamakiri corrected bitterly. "We've never seen Shandora. Nobody has since the island came to the sky."

"Alright, hang on," I cut in, approaching the small group. "Let me just make sure of something here: you four _are_ here to form an alliance with us, right?"

"You made the offer. If it still stands, then I'm all for it," Kamakiri replied neutrally.

"As am I," Laki concurred. All eyes turned to Wiper, who brushed the tears from his eyes as he looked around, his eyes lingering longest on Gan Fall. Finally, he turned to me.

"My ancestor, the great warrior Calgara, was the mightiest warrior of the Shandian tribe 400 years ago… and the outsider Montblanc Noland was his best friend."

He extended his hand to us. "If you're serious about your goal, then I accept your offer of alliance; for the sake of Calgara's final wish, and for the sake of clearing Noland's name, I will do whatever I must to bring down Eneru, and light the fire of Shandora once more."

I looked at his hand, and then gestured to Luffy, who came over. "I'm not the captain here. He is."

Wiper turned towards Luffy and raised a brow, but nonetheless extended his hand to the rubber man. "My name is Wiper, the strongest warrior among the Shandians."

"Monkey D. Luffy, captain of the Straw Hat Pirates," Luffy replied with equal seriousness; I guess he was still thinking back to when we met on the White Sea. But they shook, and that was that. Then Wiper turned to Gan Fall, and the latter held out a hand. Wiper regarded it coldly, but ultimately grasped it as well.

"Until Eneru is defeated. Then we'll see," Wiper growled.

"That will have to do," Gan Fall replied sternly.

"Alright, then," I said, clapping my hands and turning back to the others. "Robin, pen and paper, and lots of it. Everything we say will need to be written down to make sure he doesn't hear us."

"HEY! **What about** _ **MY**_ —"

"If your Gastro-Scramble can futz with Haki, Soundbite, then I think it would be better if we avoided doing it around an _ally_ with the ability," I said dryly. The snail pouted, but nodded, and I turned back to the Shandians. "So, first things first: I'm pretty that our chef will insist on you having some of the soup he's made; he doesn't turn away anyone hungry, and I can guarantee that you'll love his food."

"We'll be fine, I'm sure," Wiper muttered. Not one second later, the sound of someone's stomach grumbling came from behind him, and he slowly turned to glare at Aisa again.

She reacted with a somewhat watery glare. "What!? Come on, I'm thirteen! I don't have a cast-iron stomach like you!" There was another stomach grumble. Wiper's glare at Aisa redoubled, but she shook her head. "That wasn't me!"

"Ah…" Kamakiri said as he raised his hand somewhat sheepishly, pointedly casting a sidelong look at the pot. "Soup… _does_ sound good after a few hours of warfare, Wiper."

Aisa turned a _very_ smug smirk on Wiper, who threw up his hands in exasperation. "Fine! Go on, then! I'll focus on the main reason we're here. So, Luffy, was it—?"

"YOU'VE HAD YOURS ALREADY, LUFFY!"

 _WHAM!_

Wiper observed with a studiously neutral expression as the rubber man in question was sent rocketing out of the clearing where we were eating with a single kick.

"… Gan Fall, perhaps you can tell me—"

"And STAY in bed!"

The berserker's eye twitched as he observed the spectacle of a half-pint talking mass of venison gain almost ten times his own muscle-mass in an instant before forcibly ordering the former god of Skypiea into his bed, _and_ said former god complying with a nervous expression.

"…What about you?" he said, turning to me with a borderline pleading tone.

"Oh, don't worry, Robin and I will focus on planning things out long enough to get a good plan in mind, and if anyone with a good tactical mind and decent handwriting wants to get in on it, they can feel free…" Wiper sighed in relief until I grinned cheekily. "Buuut no guarantees after that. I hope you enjoyed your last day of being a heartless warrior."

" _Welcome to life with the Straw Hat Pirates. Bid your last farewells to your problems and your sanity, because they'll never come back,"_ Soundbite quoted.

"What have you gotten us into, Kamakiri?" Wiper muttered, turning back to his comrade-in-arms… only to see said comrade missing.

"Wow… this is the most delicious soup I've ever had!"

"Yummy!"

Wiper's face fell as he observed two of the other three Shandians enjoying Sanji's soup, seemingly without a care in the world. His jaw clenched viciously, and he turned to the last Shandian warrior. "So, _you're_ one of the last people I can turn to in this world for sanity?" he made to ask Laki…

"Oh, I absolutely _love_ the cut on your dress! Very functional, yet fashionable! What's it made of?"

"Sea King leather, believe it or not. Every once in awhile one that gets shot up in the Knock-Up Stream actually manages to reach the White Sea, and if we catch it before it falls back down, then we get a lot of useful hide and meat."

"Wow, that sounds incredible! Back on Angel Beach, we're all pretty much relegated to these uniforms we spin from Cloud Sheep wool. We've worked it out so that it's not all that itchy, but there's just no style to it…"

"Say, have either of you ever felt silk before? It's absolutely amazing, I have a few dresses I can show you back on the Merry!"

"Oh, that sounds amazing!"

"Thank you, I'd like that!"

Wiper's whole _body_ seemed to jerk as he watched Vivi, Laki and Conis walk to the Merry, chatting like long-time girlfriends. "Ah, fuck it," he ultimately growled, apparently deciding that the fight for his sanity just wasn't worth it before stalking over to where Zoro and Nami were splitting a bottle of the latter's grog. "You got any more of that?"

Zoro snorted in derision and took another swig. "Right, because you actually have _half_ a chance at keeping up with us."

Wiper stiffened for a moment before lashing his hand out, snatching the bottle from Nami and draining it in a few swift gulps. Once he was done, he let out a hearty sigh before leering viciously at the first and second mates. "You call that alcohol? I've drunk Sea King piss that was stronger than this _water."_

"Drinking that stuff isn't macho, Wiper, it's just really stupid!"

"SHUT UP, AISA!" Wiper roared. As he was turning back to the two, however, a thick and heavy glass bottle was thunked onto the tree stump they were sitting around.

"Even in the realms of real alcohol, Sea King Piss is just that: piss," Boss snorted before grinning savagely. "If you want _real_ hair on your chests, then I'd suggest you drink some Sea King _Blood._ Bit of a misnomer, though, considering how it tends to _melt_ livers."

Wiper's answering grin mirrored Zoro and Nami's. "You're on, water-rat."

Boss's response was to whip out four shot glasses and fill them with the contents, and it looked outright _evil_. As in, a fly flew over them and _died_ evil. "Put up or shut up, landlubbers," the Dugong replied savagely.

I turned away as the four of them reached for their glasses. Whatever war crimes against livers everywhere they were about to commit, I wanted no part in it.

"What happened to making a plan, Cross?" Robin asked somewhat curiously, papers and pens in hand and ready to be distributed, while an extra set of hands held her soup.

"It appears that the impossible task of attempting to plan for every eventuality shall have to fall to us, my most valiant comrade," I said in the most Russian voice I could muster as I accepted my own paper and pad. "Now c'mon, let's hammer out a war-strategy nice and fast. The sun's starting to go down, and we'll _have_ to stop once it gets dark."

Robin nodded in agreement. "Yes, that's a good point. We'll need to keep our fire small in order to avoid drawing attention once night falls."

I _smiled_ like I'd never smiled before when several members of the crew froze around us.

"Did I hear that right, Cross?" Usopp asked.

"Did she just say what I think she just said?" Boss intoned.

"I knew she must have led a sheltered life, but this is ridiculous," Zoro said.

"Alas, poor Robin," Sanji moaned.

"Sad, just _sad,"_ Luffy shook his head in disappointment.

"Now, now, my friends!" I waved my hands consolingly. "I assure you, this is entirely a case of nurture and nature gone wrong! This is a sad event indeed, but it is not her fault, of that I assure you."

Robin blinked in confusion before producing the packet of notes I'd made and sifting through it, her eyes scanning the pages, clearly wondering what she could have missed.

Apparently Nami didn't get it either, if the way she shot a confused look around was anything to go by. "Wait, what the heck are you guys talking about?"

" _ **FOOL!"**_ Soundbite bellowed with enough ham to feed Luffy for a day. "IT IS ONLY _**the natural conclusion!"**_

"WHEN YOU CAMP, YOU CAMPFIRE, NO MATTER WHAT!" Luffy proclaimed valiantly as he fell to his knees and punched the ground.

"NO MATTER WHAT, YOU ALWAYS KEEP THE FIRE GOING, EVEN ON THE VERGE OF DEATH!" Usopp proclaimed, more conviction in his voice than I'd ever heard before. "THAT'S JUST A COLD HARD FACT OF _LIFE!"_

Robin slowly closed the packet before writing something out and showing it to me: ' _You knew about this, and didn't tell me because?'_

I grinned and took the pen before scrawling out, ' _What, and ruin the surprise? I need your help with the life-and-death stuff. You need ours with the cutting loose stuff, because justified as your attitude might be, you have a few more rods up your ass than is typically healthy._ '

I couldn't be sure, but I think that her eye twitched as she read the reply. "Miss Navigator, how much of an exercise in futility would it be to attempt to talk them out of this?"

"Not enough to keep me from trying!" Nami spat as she slammed her freshly drained glass on the stump. "Do you morons not realize that we're in the middle of enemy territory here?! We need to keep a low profile or—"

"Hey, Captain, does this look like enough wood?" Raphey asked as she leaned against the _stupidly_ huge pillar of wood she'd assembled with Leo's help.

"Nicely done, my most faithful students!" Boss proclaimed proudly.

"DO YOU MORONS JUST LISTEN TO EVERY OTHER WORD I SAY!?" the navigator shrieked.

"Of course we listen to you, hence how we know that you're spouting nonsense," I scoffed.

"He's right, you know," Lassoo snickered. "Eneru's probably listening to us right now and hearing us make a pact with the Shandians, the Sky Knight, and one Skypiean to take him down tomorrow. Low profile? That ship has sailed, fired upon the land, and then _burned_ the land's flag before extinguishing said flames with piss."

Nami opened her mouth, and then hung her head. "Well, I can't argue with _that_ … well, what about the local wildlife?!" she rallied quickly.

"ARE YOU _really_ _ **asking that?**_ " Soundbite sniffed in offense, turning pointedly in the direction of several pairs of eyes looking out at us from the forest. " _COME OUT_ **already!** "

Everyone present aside from myself stiffened as a pack of wolves complied with Soundbite's instructions, and the leader, a scar over one of his eyes, spoke up.

"'Ey, jerk-wads, youse all're bein' way too lou—huh?"

I stared at the confused canine for a moment before shaking my head firmly. "Right, a Fonz-voiced wolf is apparently my final limit." I raised my hand. "CHECK, PLEASE!"

" _Dream on,"_ Soundbite drawled.

And from there, the party promptly kicked into high gear. After a bit of persuasion that went much more easily with Soundbite's powers, the tower of logs that Raphey and Leo had gathered was lit into a massive bonfire, around which the wolves, the Idiot Trio, Carue and the TDWS were dancing. Wiper, Nami, Zoro, and Boss continued their drinking contest and Lassoo and Kamakiri had decided to fight over who had the right to pig out on the soup's leftovers while, much to Sanji's pleasure, Vivi, Laki, and Conis had set up an impromptu catwalk.

…I had the distinct feeling that _that_ wouldn't happen again anytime soon. And that meant a lot, coming from me. Hence, I took the opportunity to snap as many pictures as I could with our Vision Dial.

Through it all, Robin watched from the edges of the light, only just a part of it, but a part of it nonetheless. And that… well, that meant everything to me.

Nonetheless, I could only enjoy it so much before business beckoned to me, and I cast a glance through the darkness to where I knew the Merry floated. Tonight was _the_ night, and there was no way in _hell_ that I was going to miss the chance to talk to her. The problem, though, was that she was smart, and while she probably didn't know that I knew, if I just came aboard her without any reason, _then_ she'd know that I knew and wouldn't show up! Freaking hell, this was confusing.

Bottom line: I needed a _natural_ excuse to sleep on the Merry, pronto.

…And suddenly, the answer presented itself to me in the form of Aisa chasing Su around the campfire, the two of them laughing their asses off. A plan began to coalesce in my mind, and it would serve the dual purpose of getting me to my goal _and_ providing Nami, Chopper, and Vivi the payback I owed them for that groin attack back when we met Masira. Robin could wait, I still owed her for Whiskey Peak, and the bit with Masira gave me a lot more leeway, but those three? No mercy. I glanced at Soundbite, and if the way he grinned at me was any indication, my eyes must have betrayed the mischievous feelings I had.

"Be as quiet as you can be. Tell Su, Lassoo, the TDWS, Aisa and the boss of the wolves to make their way into the woods, quietly," I said, slowly backing away into the treeline. This was going to be worth it in _every possible way…_

… But damn if I wasn't going to pay dearly for it.

And that was _exactly_ the point.

 **-o-**

An hour or two later, the party was starting to slowly wind down, energy draining out of the partygoers as their bodies pointedly reminded them that, like it or not, they _were_ still mortal and they _did_ need their rest.

The bonfire was just burning down to a pile of charred and glowing embers when Zoro stretched his muscles with a jaw-cracking yawn. "Alright, I'd say that _now_ the night is pretty much over. Kill the fire and let's get some sleep."

Before anyone could move, I cut in with a _massive_ gasp, going so far as to cover my mouth with the back of my hand. "Sir! You forget yourself!" I stuck my palm out to him while clenching my fist and shaking my head sadly. " And in spite of the astute knowledge you displayed earlier today… For shame, Zoro, for _shame."_

" **SHAME! SHAME!"** Soundbite parroted.

Zoro stared at me in confusion. "What the hell are you—?" His response was promptly cut off by the finger I stuck in his face.

"After all the dedication you put into celebrating the night in a most appropriate manner, I had thought of you as a brother in arms, Zoro!" I lamented dramatically. "And yet, here at its zenith, the very end, you neglect the most important part of all! The coup de grâce, the final crescendo! Oh, the shame! Oh, the humanity!"

" _ **The humanity! The humanity!"**_

"What the heck are you talking about, Cross!?" Nami demanded.

I stiffened and slowly turned to shine an extra-wide grin at her. "Why… I'm talking about the scary campfire stories, of course."

And just like that, all activity in the clearing ceased, a feat aided by the ghostly wind that Soundbite was blowing. The male members of the crew slowly moved to circle around the campfire, looking at me expectantly, while the female members and Shandians, too tired to argue, followed their example. I grinned, and tilted the brim of my hat down to cover my eyes, hiding the fact that I was glancing around and confirming that my compatriots were in their positions.

"Gentlemen, ladies," I breathed slyly, Soundbite helping my voice to eerily waft through the air. "Tonight, I share with you but one version of a tale oft told. A tale of romance and rejection, of life and death… of man, and the sea. Tonight, I tell you the tale of the goddess Calypso, and her lover…" I glanced up at my audience, a feral grin glinting in the firelight. " _Davy Jones…"_

My audience shivered heavily, either from the ethereal quality Soundbite had layered over my voice, the sudden gale he whistled or some combination of the two.

I stood up and spread my hands to begin the tale. " _Long, long ago, when the seas were still wild and untamed and the world was young, all waters of the world were ruled by the great goddess of the of the seas…"_

" **Calypso…"** Soundbite sighed heavily, and Sanji got something of a dreamy look in his eyes.

" _As beautiful and as vicious as her domain, sailors the world over adored and feared her in equal measure. And yet!"_ I stuck my finger up suddenly, causing a few spectators to jump. " _She had eyes… for but one. A young sailor, handsome, brave and bold in equal measure, who won her heart and her his. This sailor… was Davy Jones._

The audience seemed to focus on me a little more. Vivi had outright hearts in her eyes; probably needed to lay off the romance novels.

" _And yet, despite this deep love, the Goddess could accept naught but the best as her suitor. As such, she assigned Davy Jones a most worthy task, through which he would prove the veracity of his emotions. She assigned him to collect the souls of the dead, those who perished within Calypso's waters, and to ferry them across the great divide to the other side with his mightiest of vessels, the Flying Dutchman."_ I began to pace back and forth in front of the log I'd been sitting on, the audience following my every move. " _There was, however, a catch. In order to prove his dedication to his task, Davy Jones would have to suffer the ultimate curse of the sailor, in its most extreme form: he would only be able to set foot upon the land and see his love once every. Ten. Years. If his dedication were true and honest, then would he be deemed worthy of the goddess, and be released from his task."_

Some watchers nodded unconsciously.

" _Ten years did Davy Jones sail, and ten years did he toil, until the fateful day he was allowed to return to land. And yet, when he came ashore… Calypso was nowhere to be found. For while the ocean's bounty might be deep and rewarding… so too is it fickle and_ wild."

Several faces darkened in sadness or anger. Vivi especially looked ready to strangle a bitch.

" _Enraged by this betrayal, Davy Jones' heart turned as black as pitch, and his mind as stormy as a hurricane. He plotted and schemed, and in the throes of his grief, he committed the ultimate betrayal: he ensorcelled Calypso with black magicks, and bound her in the body of a mortal, forever cutting her off from his domain. Then, abandoning her on land, he returned to the seas, not as a venerable ferryman…_ but as a blight."

"That's so horrible." The whisper circled around, but nobody could tell who said it.

" _No longer did Davy Jones ferry those who fell at sea. Rather, he stole them away to his dark and damned locker, where he left them to rot for all eternity. No more did he act with honor or justice. Rather, he struck with malice and vitriol, sinking ship after damned ship with a vengeance._

" _So deep was his grief, that the man did not realize his mistakes until he was too far gone to care: for as he enacted his evil upon the world, his evil tainted all around him as well."_

Grimaces decorated several faces, and the more skittish members of the crew started to look nervous.

I continued the tale, my pacing turning into a slow circuit of the camp, looking each listener dead in the eye as I rammed each detail home. " _His beloved Flying Dutchman, his pride and joy, soaked in the seas like a sponge. Water rotted every plank, and every fresh wave that hit the ship drew out a chorus of agonized groans. The sails became torn and tattered, only just managing to grasp at the winds that blew through them. And creatures of the sea, from barnacles to coral and all that lies between,_ climbed _up the hull to infest every inch of the once proud vessel. The vessel… and her crew."_

The audience collectively shuddered, several of them grasping their arms.

" _Indeed, Davy Jones' crew did not escape his curse either. They became warped. Twisted. Their souls were sullied as much as their captain's and their bodies twisted to reflect it. They became abominations, horrific combinations of fish and human that would disgust even the fishmen themselves. The sea wove itself in and around the men, the pests of the sea burrowing deep, deep into their flesh, as they were made one with their damned ship… and their thrice damned captain."_

My voice began to rise in volume and speed. No longer was I smiling; now my face was twisting into a feral snarl as I continued circling around.

" _Yes… Davy Jones was the most distorted and vile of them all. His body twisted and warped itself into a monstrous form, worthy of his evil. His beard, once luxurious and awe-inspiring, became clumped and massed together by salt and rime, until it came alive, into the grasping arms of a cephalopod."_ I emphasized the point by placing my hand under my chin and wiggling my fingers. " _And his left arm, once so mighty and powerful, became rough and jagged, barnacles and coral growing all along it, until it coalesced into a singular limb."_ I held my arm up and pinched my hand into a hard claw _. "A crab's claw, massive in scale, and capable of snapping a man's neck with a single_ snip."

Even Wiper shuddered at that.

" _But not even there did his evils end. For even as a monster, his heart yearned and ached for his beloved Calypso, an agony that he could not bring himself to bear."_ I raised my hand up and clenched my fingers over my chest. " _So, he cut his own chest open… and_ ripped out his own still-beating heart."

The throbbing heartbeat that Soundbite layered through the air served to turn _quite_ a few faces green. Even Robin looked ill at ease.

As I continued, I was now crouching down, hunched over the fire like a certain ring-obsessed imp. " _He then locked his heart away, at the very ends of the earth, and returned to the sea anew. Now truly a heartless monster, Davy Jones' evils knew absolutely no bounds. He sailed the seven seas with rancor and malice, attacking all who fell within his sights. He brought misery and heartache to all who saw his ship, and death to all who saw his vile face…_

" _And every once in a blue moon, he would mark a sailor who had wronged him…"_ I glanced around, confirming the affirmative looks I was getting from my accomplices before turning my palm out to the audience. " _With the Black Spot._

" _The Spot was a vile curse indeed. A boil, writhing and squirming with the demons of hell, branded into the palm of his chosen victim. Naught could be done to remove it, save for Davy Jones himself deciding that the debt had been in some way repaid…"_

All around the campfire, one by one, certain members of the audience jerked and started in shock. Nami, Chopper, Sanji, and Vivi all looked as though they'd had simultaneous heart attacks. Slowly, _ever_ so slowly, they drew their hands up before their eyes and _stared,_ the blood draining from their faces.

It took all I had to keep from cackling then and there. No clue _how_ they'd managed to stick masses of tarred worms on the four's hands (or equivalent limbs), but damn if the TDWS hadn't just shown their stealth chops.

" _The Spot marks his chosen for death, allowing Davy Jones to find his victims no matter where they might be, so that he might exact his_ payment."

"Wh-what does he do?" Aisa breathed in a faux-meek voice, causing more than a few people to jump, especially the 'marked', who were listening _very_ attentively.

I chuckled darkly as I started to pace around the campfire again, putting myself as close to the shadows as I could. " _What does he do, she asks… Davy Jones' sole currency is the exact same duty he abandons every day: the lives of humanity. And there are but three ways to repay a debt upon one's soul. The first is to offer up the soul of another, so that they might pay your debt in your place. The second is with hard labor, to join his crew of the damned for however many years you must work off your debt. Yet none truly ever leave the Dutchman, for to become part of the crew is to become part of the ship. To become part of the ship… is to become part of the crew…"_

Nami whimpered miserably as she started to hyperventilate. "A-a-and the third?" she squeaked meekly.

I slowly turned my dead gaze upon her, my face devoid of all emotion. " _There is but one final way to pay the debt… by paying the debt we must all pay one day or another. By accepting one's fate in the depths of_ Davy Jones' Locker."

Chopper let out a wheeze, akin to a broken and worn squeaky toy.

I chuckled darkly as I shook my head, turning around and pacing towards the darkness. " _They always try and run, you know? They always try and hide on land or avoid the sea… but it's a futile endeavor. Because come hell or high water, be it on land or sea, through sleet, rain or snow… just as the sun rises and the sun sets, as the wind blows and the sea writhes, there will forever be a permanent fact of this world that none can contest…"_

I spun around on my heel and _smiled,_ the shadows no doubt playing merry hell with my face.

" _Davy Jones_ always _gets his man."_

Dead silence fell as I made that pronouncement, apart from a couple of barely audible whimpers from the 'marked,' until a hiss drew everyone's attention to the fire. A puff of steam rose up, another drop of water glistening in mid-air. Then the hissing began to intensify, drops of water intensifying into a stream. It continued for a full ten seconds until…

 _SPLOOSH!_

The fire went out in an instant as a tub-load of water dropped onto the glowing embers, plunging the campsite into darkness. The instant that that happened, utter pandemonium erupted, a flurry of shouting and movement erupting in the pitch darkness as everyone tried to make sense of things… until another light appeared. _I_ knew that it came from salvaged Lamp Dials dyed with plant matter, slowly lighting up the clearing with an eerie green glow, but to everyone else? It was as though they were underwater.

Before anyone could say anything further or react, their attention was drawn to the shadows of the clearing, where a sound was ringing out.

 _Scraaaaape…_ THUNK! _Scraaaaape…_ THUNK! _Scraaaaape…_ THUNK!

Before everyone's horrified eyes, a _figure_ strode out of the shadows of the jungle and into the unholy light that had appeared. The noise was coming from the figure's leg: crustacean in nature, it scraped along the vearth-covered ground alongside a heavy galosh stomping each step. The figure's clothing was tattered and ratty; an admiral's coat and a tricorn, surely once grand in appearance, but now looking as though they were centuries past their prime. But its face… scaly, yellowish, tentacles sprouting from his chin and reaching over his shoulders and down his chest, writhing and squirming as though with minds of their own. Overall, it resembled nothing less than the living incarnation of evil itself.

The figure stood silent on the edge of the clearing as he scanned the gathered people, its gaze flicking over each one before slowly focusing on four individuals in particular, causing hearts to freeze.

" **I have but one question for ye all…"** the figure groaned, his voice deep and bubbling, as though it came from the lips of the drowned.

The figure then raised up his left hand, nay, his _claw,_ and pointed it at the audience.

" _ **DO YE FEAR DEATH, LANDLUBBERS?!"**_

And he snapped the jaw of the claw shut with a resounding SNAP!

 _That_ was the absolute limit.

" _EEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!"_ Nami and Vivi shrieked at the top of their lungs while they held on to one another, their hair turning white from sheer terror. Chopper was silent alongside Usopp, Carue, and Pierre on account of how they'd all keeled over with their eyes rolled up in their heads and foam bubbling out of their mouths, and as for Sanji? Well… he was still trying to unlock his muscles from the tree branch he'd clamped onto… thirty feet off the ground, with Boss right next to him.

The Shandians and Gan Fall were scrambling madly to try and find their weapons and skates, cold sweat cascading down each of their faces as the search proved completely fruitless. Conis was passed out with all the grace of an angel, Robin was caught between trembling with terror and repressed laughter, Zoro's hands fumbled uselessly with his swords, struggling to pull them from their sheaths, and Luffy was staring in equal parts awestruck amazement and paralyzed terror.

And me? Well, what else could I do in this situation, faced with the priceless and amazing sight that I saw? In the face of pain and destruction that was completely inevitable but so damn awesome for the fact that I had managed to make it this far, there was really only one possible reaction.

"Pff…"

It was as though a switch was flipped. From motion to nothing, the whole clearing _froze_ as everyone processed what they'd heard. They _tried_ to make sense of it, _tried_ to reconcile what they'd heard with reality...

"Pffff..." I hunched forwards and shuddered slightly as I tried, I _tried_ to hold it in.

Vivi's jaw slowly dropped open. "Oh, holy shit."

"What the _hell…"_ Nami managed to get out.

" _Pffffffff…!"_ I started to shake and shudder violently, the sheer force of what I was feeling shaking me to my core.

"Why did I _ever_ think it was a good idea to team up with these lunatics?" Kamakiri groaned.

"Cross, you SON OF A—" Zoro started.

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I finally busted out roaring, falling over on my ass and letting the weight of my costume crash down on me, the lobster and octopus I was sporting scrambling away as I flat-out _cackled,_ laughing and laughing and _laughing_ at the abso-freaking-lutely _hilarious_ reactions I'd gotten. "OH MY _GOOOOD,_ YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FA-A-ACES! PFFHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

I wasn't the only one laughing my head off, either. Soundbite, Su, Aisa, Lassoo, and the TDWS were expected, as were the cloud wolves—those who had helped me and not—and Luffy. But it seemed that my performance had broken the most stoic members of our assemblage: Zoro was laughing too hard to finish his insult, Wiper and Gan Fall were both pounding the ground laughing, and Robin, I was elated to see, had fallen against a rather large root, laughing herself to tears.

It was simply unfortunate that I couldn't enjoy the moment more, for as my laughter died down I became aware of the fact that a number of people were standing around me, glaring bloody murder at my prone form.

My laughter slowly trailed off as I stared up at them all until I allowed myself a hopeful grin.

"I… don't suppose any of you guys can take a joke?"

Their response came in the form of a symphony of metallic clicking as they brought their weapons up to bear.

"…I take it that's a no?"

What came next made the stunt I'd just pulled equal parts totally worth it and not worth it at all.

But either way… damn if it wasn't funny!

 **-o-**

A couple of hours later found me nursing my wounds in my hammock belowdecks on the Merry. Despite the rather severe pain I was in, I still managed to doze off, as did Soundbite. I might have even missed Merry's arrival, were it not for an ill-disguised show of good fortune in every definition of the word.

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ "

My eyes snapped open at the sound, and I glanced around frantically as it repeated, spying Soundbite near the transceiver with a glazed look in his eyes; despite receiving a call, it seemed that he wasn't conscious.

With a groan, I forced myself out of bed, some part of me thankful that I had been awakened; if I had missed the chance to talk to Merry now, I don't know what I would have done, especially seeing as how I wasn't willing or able to talk to my crewmates about that particular mess. Finally, as I picked up the speaker, I comprehended the fact that I was receiving a call from MI3 at this hour, and wondered what was so urgent.

"Tiny Tim's Galoshes, for sizes extra-small and down!" I said, tiredly yet cheerfully.

" _Where does he come up with this stuff?"_ Hina's voice wondered.

" _Probably the same place where he learns all of his Marine and World Government secrets,"_ Tashigi's voice answered.

" _If you two are done…"_ Smoker cut in. " _Cross, we're calling about something important."_

"Considering the hour and the fact that all three of you are calling, I very much hope so for the sake of our continued partnership," I deadpanned. "What do you need?"

" _We're planning on going after our first recruit for another leader in MI3; we want to persuade someone around our rank before we try going for anyone higher up,"_ Hina stated.

" _I've set up a meeting with Captain 'Ship Cutter' T-Bone,"_ Smoker continued. " _We're planning to meet with him first thing in the morning; I did my research on him, and I don't think I have any better bet for a decent Marine of that rank. But I wanted to run it by you first; if you know him, is there any reason he wouldn't be a good choice?"_

I frowned, closing my eyes as I recalled the zombie-like captain from the Puffing Tom. He was a bit creepy, but a master swordsman and definitely a decent Marine.

"No. He's the Captain I was thinking of; he treats his men almost like sons and he dedicates his life to helping the innocent, and with how much he claims to hate crookedness, I think he's your best bet. Might wanna be careful, though; from what I've heard, he thinks that the World Government's brand of justice is the right one, so if you're not careful…"

" _We will be, Cross. Believe me, I've taken that facet of him into account."_

" _Sir, we'll still have to convince him that this is the best thing to do—"_

" _Trust me, Tashigi, that's the least of our worries. For now, Cross, after we recruit T-Bone, we're planning on trying to find someone higher up in the Marines to join us. You mentioned Vice Admirals, which ones?"_

"Um…" I racked my brains, calling the details to mind. "Momonga might eventually be willing to join, but it would take a lot more work. The bastard's a jackboot through and through. Straight-lace, but… I don't know where on the moral line he stands. Garp… it's hit or miss with him. I know for a fact that he's willing to go outside the rules, but he has faith in the Marines, and it would take something serious to shake that… something _personal_. And even then… But on the other hand, when you get the chance, you should definitely look into his students, especially Coby. Helmeppo's shaky, but his dad was corrupt and almost killed him in the process of escaping, so his firsthand experience with just how bad men wearing the uniform can be could be a tipping point. But anyway, short term… I think that the best chance you have right now is with Tsuru. I know that she's close with Sengoku, but—"

" _No, Hina agrees. Tsuru seems stern, but she has a good heart underneath it all, and wisdom befitting her age._ "

" _And I'll keep that in mind about Momonga. I'll see what I can do to sway him… and what sort of 'personal' thing are you talking about for Garp?"_

"Oh, you'll find that out later," I said cheerfully.

" _Tsk… huh. Shouldn't Soundbite be snarking at us right now?_ " Tashigi asked curiously.

"Sleep-answering," I shrugged. "I didn't know it was possible, but it apparently is."

" _Interesting… well, are those the only possibilities you can think of, Cross?"_

The image of a certain red-haired, anime-exclusive Marine came to mind. "There… _might_ be one other, but odds are that my crew will end up crossing paths with him before you're done with recruiting those two. If we do, I'll screen him myself; if not, I'll run his name by you, see what you can come up with."

A long-suffering sigh came from the other end. " _Fair enough, Cross. Just do us a favor and make sure that if you broadcast tomorrow, you make it a meaningful one."_

" _Speaking of which, what happened up there today?"_ Tashigi asked curiously. " _I thought you were planning on continuing your broadcast later."_

"For the sake of whatever sanity you have, I'm going to suggest you wait for the next SBS; the highlights are fighting a talking cream puff of a priest with clouds filled with snakes, explosives, and other tricks and traps; fighting another priest riding a giant dog with a shape-shifting sword and weaponized barbed wire; having a party with a group of wolves—"

" _OK, OK, point taken, I'll wait for the SBS,"_ Tashigi cut in.

"Aw, you didn't let me get to the—"

"Goodbye, _Cross. We'll contact you again after T-Bone joins us."_

"When you do, Smoker, I'm going to want to know _why_ you're so confident about being able to," I sighed as I started to lean back into my hammock and started to drift back to sleep.

" _Ah, wait a second! Cross, Hina has a suggestion that she'd like you to weigh in on."_

"Hm?" I cracked my eye open blearily.

" _An officer who served with Hina under Vice-Admiral Tsuru way back when. It's been years, but Vergo's a Vice-Admiral himself now, and—"_

"Hell no!" I snapped hastily, suddenly _very_ wide-awake as my adrenaline shot through the roof. "If you get in contact with Vergo, you can consider this partnership to be fucking _done!"_

Soundbite's dozy expression snapped to one of abject shock. " _What the—?"_ Tashigi started incredulously before Hina interrupted her.

" _Cross, I_ know _Vergo, he's a good man! He cares for his men, he thrives in spite of the fact that he's in command of G-5, he'd give us a foothold in the New World."_

"That traitorous son of a bitch is a deep-cover plant for _Donquixote Dofla-fucking-mingo,_ and one of his closest confidants to boot," I summarized frigidly.

And just like that, Hina's expression froze. " _W-what?"_ she breathed.

I grit my teeth as I pinched the bridge of my nose, dredging up the best way to handle this. "When Vergo first joined, it wasn't for justice or fame or fortune or anything. It was for the sole, singular purpose of providing Doflamingo with an _in_ to the Marines. Every second he spent climbing the ranks, every connection he made and bond he forged, it was all to help further Doflamingo's information network within the ranks. The man is a cold-blooded monster, and if you confront him with this, he will not hesitate before killing you."

" _No… no, that's not possible!"_ Hina shook her head in denial. " _Hina knows—_ I _know him! Vergo is kind, he's warm, he—!"_

"Eleven years ago, Vergo came face to face with the mole that the _Marines_ had in _Doflamingo's_ organization," I cut her off. "That mole gave Vergo a capsule of information meant for Sengoku's eyes only, whose contents would have prevented the _massacre_ that occurred in the Kingdom of Dressrosa a year later, a massacre that _Doflamingo_ orchestrated. Vergo didn't hesitate before he destroyed that information, and then proceeded to beat the mole _and_ the ill child with him within an inch of their lives." I was silent for a moment before sighing despondently. "I'm sorry, Hina. But when you say Vergo's name… you don't even have the first clue what you're talking about."

"… _You'll forgive me if I don't take accusations like that against such a high-ranking Marine at face value, Cross,"_ Smoker dryly replied after a moment.

" _Commodore…"_ Tashigi hesitated slightly.

I shrugged in response. "Hey, do whatever the hell you want, take my words with a grain of salt or the whole shaker if you have to…" I glared as I jabbed my finger at the snail. "But I was entirely serious earlier: if you contact Vergo, then I'm writing this whole venture off. He scares me more than you ever could, and that is a hard-wrought _fact._ And you know as well as I do that _nothing_ I've told you so far has been wrong."

"… _Good night, Cross,"_ Smoker finally bit out.

"Yeah, yeah, same to you, jackass…" I grumbled as I defaulted to popping a specific finger at the person on the other end of the snail before ramming the mic back into its cradle and cutting the connection.

As my adrenaline ebbed and I stopped being distracted, I became acutely aware of the extensive collection of bruises I'd acquired a few hours prior. I mean, they were healing really fast and I'd probably be fine tomorrow morning, but… well. Being on the receiving end of half a dozen infuriated superhumans was _not_ a pleasant experience. But the end result was being forced out of camp to spend the night on the Merry, which was ultimately exactly what I wanted. Now, if only—

 _Thud._

I froze as I heard the sound echo above me.

 _Thud._

There it was again, wood against wood.

Acting fast, I rapped my fist over Soundbite's shell, causing him to jerk awake with an annoyed snort. He glared at me in irritation and started to open his mouth, but before he could roar, I held my finger to my mouth and waited.

 _Thud._

Thankfully, the next thud served to silence him, causing him to glance upwards before nodding at me. Moving slowly, I scooped him onto my shoulder before sliding out of my hammock and making my way towards the ladder and trapdoor leading out of the men's bedroom, pushing it open to see—

…Alright, I _know_ that I've already gushed about Oda's design and how it measured up to reality, but honestly, I was looking at one of the closest things to an honest-to-goodness _ghost_ I'd ever see outside of Perona's facsimiles; what else am I supposed to do?

The first thing that stood out to me about her was how… indistinct she was. A silhouette more than anything, to be honest. It was as though she'd stepped out of an out-of-focus sepia-toned picture; her borders were blurred, as though she were seamlessly melded with the very air. Her substance, or what she had of it, was focused more around her hands and her feet. Looking at her center mass and head, I could literally see straight through her to the other side. And as for her face, well, there wasn't much to see. What little of her face I could see beneath her hood was featureless and blank, as if she were a mannequin. The only defining part of her I could discern was her mouth, which was closed in concentration as she hammered in bolt after bolt to the metal plate she was affixing to one of the more burnt up sections of the mast.

Finally, after watching her for a minute, I cleared my throat.

Merry jumped almost a foot in the air, which was impressive for her stature, before wheeling around to stare at me in shock. She gaped for a second before sighing and hanging her head. "You knew…" she groaned, her voice little more than a wispy sea breeze. "I knew this was a risk… You got beat up and sent back here on purpose, didn't you?"

I chuckled and scratched the back of my head sheepishly. "That was part of it, yeah," I admitted. "Though it was also revenge for that stunt Nami, Vivi, and Chopper pulled back when we met Masira."

Merry grunted and moved her head in a motion that indicated she was rolling her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I guess I should have seen _that_ coming…"

An uncomfortable silence grew in the air, neither of us sure what to say.

Finally, I coughed and nervously glanced away. "So, ah… do you want an extra pair of hands or…?"

Merry stared at me for a second before shrugging and returning to her hammering. "I wouldn't be much of a pirate ship if I kept you from doing what you wanted, would I?" she grumbled morosely.

Soundbite and I exchanged surprised looks before I ultimately shrugged. I took a moment to spin my finger at the air and jerk my thumb across my throat before climbing out of the trapdoor, thus indicating for Soundbite to put up as good a barrier of noise as he could forge and hopefully prevent Usopp from catching sight of us and fainting from terror.

Once on the deck, I got to work, handing Merry plate after bolt after plate as she slowly patched herself up. It was… grim work, to say the least. Merry was an absolutely incredible ship, and for her to be so beaten, so bruised so... _injured…_ it was just… hard to look at.

We worked in silence for a few dozen panels or so until I finally worked up the courage to speak. "So, ah… how are you… holding up? The whole burnt mast thing notwithstanding, I mean, that's pretty—"

"My keel isn't cracked, Cross," Merry cut me off with slam of her hammer, an exasperated tone in her voice.

I allowed myself to sag in relief, entirely uncaring about her demeanor. "Oh, thank God…"

Merry was silent as she glanced up at me before seeming to sag in defeat. "But… it's coming."

And _there_ was the shot of ice in my veins. "W-what?" I asked numbly.

Merry shook her head as she slowly got back to work, hammering away. "What were you expecting, Cross? I'm an East Blue caravel in Grand Line waters. These seas are just… too rough. The waves, the winds, the Marines… I've felt it coming for a while now. Creaks and cracks everywhere… and day by day, it takes more and more for me to hold my keel together. There's only so much I can take, you know?" She didn't wait for an answer before shaking her head sadly. "There's only so much any of us can do…"

I was no expert on marine engineering, but what she was saying made sense. My mind flashed back to Krieg's galleon at Baratie, and how ravaged she had been. And she was several dozen times the size of the Merry.

And that last line… God, how I thought of that every day.

"Yeah…" I sighed. "I know exactly what you mean."

Another awkward silence descended upon us, Merry hammering and me passing materials to her as I tried to think of something to say.

Finally, I gave her a hopeful glance. "Well… either way, that doesn't mean we can't try, right?" I took the way she shifted silently as a sign to continue. "I-I mean, well, we're Straw Hats, right? Breaking past all the limits, defying every expectation and all that."

" _ROW ROW FIGHT DA POWAH!"_ Soundbite cheered, though his heart didn't seem to be in it.

When Merry didn't respond, I allowed myself a slight chuckle. "Really now, just look at our track record. We've all come out of more near-death scrapes than I care to count, and every time we've managed to pull through. Human or not, flesh and blood or not, you bear our pride more than any of us, so I daresay that luck extends to you too, right?"

For some reason I couldn't discern, Merry's hammering became… jerky and somewhat sporadic, her swings coming at odd intervals.

I frowned at her in concern before turning away to pick up another metal sheet. "So… look, I'm not always a maestro with words, alright? Just… don't worry about it. No matter what happens, you'll always be—"

 _SKRANG!_

I spun around in shock as the screech of tortured metal sang out and boggled at the sight of one of the metal plates wrapped around Merry's hammer like so much _tin foil_. "The hell—!?"

"Stop it…" Merry hissed out, her entire wispy frame shivering violently.

I tried and failed to make sense of what I was hearing. "Merry, what—? Look, if you're worried about what's coming up next—!"

"I SAID STOP IT!" the ship's spirit shrieked, wrenching her hammer out with a shriek of metal and sending the panel _flying_ into the bay before wheeling on me, her mouth set in a snarl. "STOP BEING SO FUCKING NICE AND JUST _DO IT ALREADY!"_

" _ **Oh my!"**_ Soundbite barked nervously.

I stumbled back in shock, _more_ than taken aback by this turn of events. "The hell—!? Do what!? What are you talking about?"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU _THINK_ I'M TALKING ABOUT!?" Merry spat as she spread her arms wide. "STOP PUSSYFOOTING AROUND AND _BLAME ME_ ALREADY!"

…needless to say, it took me awhile to come up with a response for that.

"W-what?" I finally managed to get out.

"BLAME ME!" Merry repeated, slapping her hand to her chest. "YELL AT ME, CURSE AT ME, TELL ME THE _TRUTH!_ STOP SUGARCOATING THINGS AND JUST _SAY IT: THIS IS_ MY _FAULT!_ IT'S MY FAULT FOR BEING SO WEAK THAT I NEED REPAIRS SO BAD, THAT EVERYONE HAS TO WORRY ABOUT ME SO MUCH! IT'S—!" Merry cut herself off with a ragged gasp, and a few drops of something dripped out of her hood. "I-IT'S MY FAULT THAT I'M… I'm so weak… So… so f-f-fragile… so… so _u-useless…"_

I promptly took a knee and swept up the poor spectre in a hug as she broke down and started to sob. My arms sank into her a bit more than I was comfortable with, but I kept at it and held her nevertheless, letting her sob into my chest and grasp at me desperately while I shushed her and whispered what reassurances I could manage.

"Come on, come on, it's alright…" I breathed, rubbing her back as nicely as I could manage. "None of us blame you, none of us think that this is your fault, of course we don't, why would you ever think that we thought that? Why would we ever do something as stupid as blaming you?"

"Because you _shou-u-uld…"_ Merry wept, tears and more than a bit of snot somehow bubbling out as she buried her face in my shirt. "B-because it's true… I'm weak… I'm so, so _weak…_ I c-can't stand up to the stupid Marine battleships, I can't s-stand up to the s-stupid Sea Kings, I can b-barely stand up to the stupid se-e-e-ea…" She shook her head in denial. "I'm just… I'm not _strong_ enough… I'm small and w-weak and stupid and… _and…_ " Merry hiccupped. "I…I should have just _sunk myself_ at the Sandora and been done with it…"

"What!?" I held Merry out from me by her shoulders and stared at her incredulously. "No! No, no, no, Merry! Are you—are you _insane!?_ Are you deranged or something!? _Look_ at yourself! Look at where you are! Merry, you're in the _sky!_ And more than that, you took the Knock-Up Stream to get here! Only _one_ other ship in living memory has gotten here that way, and it was an East Blue ship, too, _Gold Roger's_ ship before he got the Oro Jackson! How can you _possibly_ call yourself weak when you've come so far, _so far_ into where so few ships have come before?!"

Merry choked and sniffed heavily as she refused to meet my gaze. "B-b-back on J-J-Jaya… when we docked… the-the other ships… th-they saw just how w-w-weak I was and… and they said that I had to-to sink myself… t-they said that… I was gonna, gonna sink anyways, so…" She gasped desperately. "So I should have done the right thing. They said I should have cracked my keel then and there, that it was my duty to si-ink myself so that-that I wouldn't take you all down with me in the middle of the se-e-ea…"

I felt a sudden urge to start burning things rise up in me. An urge that only intensified at what she said next.

"I… I didn't listen to them at first…" she sobbed, shivers ravaging her body. "I-I told them that I was stronger than that, that I was a Strawhat and that-that I wasn't going to go down that easy. I-I told them that I'd reach my dream, that I'd see the world with you all…" A wistful smile started to spread across her face before breaking down with another sob. "A-and then… then _he_ started talking… t-the biggest ship around, t-the scary one… h-he said that w-weak rowboats like me didn't have any place in the real waters and that i-if I put my dreams ahead of my crew's lives then… then…" Merry promptly started bawling into her hands. "Then I was a disgrace to ships everywhe-e-eeeere!"

I _swear_ that I felt my blood pressure skyrocket as I processed that statement and I came to a _very_ grim conclusion. "Merry, the ship you're talking about. It was the one that we saw later that night, wasn't it?"

Merry snorted heavily for a second before shaking her head vigorously.

I growled beneath my breath as I vehemently _cursed_ the color pink before trusting myself to speak. "Merry, listen to me: everything that comes out of the mouth of _anything_ and _anyone_ flying that flag is an absolute _load._ That flag is fucking _toxic,_ and anybody who follows it, and I mean _truly_ follows it and all that it stands for, is irredeemable. You cannot, _cannot_ take their words at face value."

Merry sniffed and stared up at me for a second, before snapping her head away as though she'd been struck. "…but he was right…" she whispered.

"Merry—!"

"He was _right,_ Cross!" Merry repeated desperately, tears streaming out from beneath her hood as she stared up at me. "He-he was _right…_ I-I am weak… and I'm so stupid stupid _stupid!"_ She emphasized the point by rapping her knuckles against her skull. "I… I'm a _ship,_ Cross. I'm not part of the crew, I'm not an equal, I'm not meant to do anything else but get you to your destination! We-we don't hope, we don't pray, we don't d-d- _dream…"_

Merry tugged on miserably the edges of her hood. "But I… I _did_ dream… I-I got it in my head that I could d-dream of staying with you all f-forever… t-that I could go with you all the whole way, t-that I'd see the Grand Line with you all…" Merry started to shake her head back and forth desperately. "It was a s-stupid, _impossible_ dream, a-and I let it put you all in danger… stupid, stupid, _stupid, stupid—!"_

And _that_ was when I brought this bullshit train to an end.

"MERRY!" I roared, grabbing the sides of her face and _making_ her look at me. "Merry, listen, listen, _listen to me, Merry!_ You are _not_ weak, and you are _not_ stupid. You are a brave, smart, _incredible_ ship, and absolutely _none_ of us blame you for your injuries, those are all on us, do you understand me? _All_ on us. You are the most incredible ship to sail since the great Oro Jackson, and you are _loved._ We all love you with all our hearts, Merry, and no matter what, we _want_ your dream to come true! We _want_ to reach Raftel sailing with you, and we _will_ make that happen, do you understand me?"

Merry hiccupped and sniffled as she stared at me before finally shuddering and shaking her head desperately. "I-It's no use, Cross…" she choked out. "I-it's just no use… I've been fighting the sea for so long… so hard… I-I don't want to give up, but… I-I'm just too weak… I'm…" Merry pitched forward and I hastily caught her, holding her to my chest where she just leaned and sobbed. " _I'm so tired…"_

I found myself without a response to that. All I could do was hug her again, holding her pseudo-corporeal form close to me. I couldn't see Soundbite's face from the angle I was at, but the snail was silent in the face of the development, for which I was half-grateful; killing the moment now would do nothing good… but I had nothing good to say myself.

"It's alright, Merry. Everything will be alright," I found myself whispering, staring out into the woods, barely conscious of what I was doing. And then I did the stupidest thing I could have done.

"I promise, Merry, I'll save you and keep you sailing with us, no matter what."

Merry fell silent, and slowly pulled away from me, staring at me with a sad smile and tears cascading down her face. "Big-mouthed dumbass… we both know that you can't keep that promise. It's impossible."

I let out a bittersweet chuckle, resolving to ride that statement as far as I could. "Merry, I stopped seeing that as relevant the day I was ripped from my home and met Soundbite, and not a damn thing that's happened so far has done anything but reinforce that opinion. I mean, for crying out loud, I'm talking to a _klabautermann!_ At least half of the world would call that impossible! I'm not about to let that stop me."

" _For the world is full of zanies and fools~, who don't believe in sensible rules~, and won't believe what sensible people say~, and because these daft and dewy-eyed dopes keep building up impossible hopes, impossible things are happening ev~ery~ day~!"_ Soundbite sang out.

Merry swapped her teary gaze between us for a few seconds before finally smiling, sniffling as she wiped her tears away. "Y-you have a point. It's not too late yet." She moved back over to me, and hugged me again. "Thank you, Cross."

I smiled back, holding her close. How the hell I would keep that promise, I don't know, but damn if I was going to spare any effort. For now, I'd tell the crew as soon as we had her loaded up with gold. If we made it to Water 7 before the keel cracked, problem solved. And if not… then we'd just have to ask Franky for help. Between his experience as one of the best shipwrights still alive and his clout in the black market, he was sure to know of _something_ we could try… anything. _Anything_ we could try.

…because in the end, there was just no chance that I was going to just take shit like this sitting down. Not a chance in _hell._

"Uh, C-C-Cross?"

All attention snapped to the side of the boat, where the voice of a very ill at ease Usopp was wafting up from. "Are you p-practicing for another ghost story or something?" he posed hesitantly.

I blinked in surprise as I processed this turn of events before shooting a questioning look at Soundbite, who shrugged sheepishly. "GOT CAUGHT _up in the_ _ **moment?"**_

"Fair enough," I sighed with a roll of my eyes before considering the current situation. I then interposed myself between Merry and where Usopp's voice was coming from. "No, Usopp, nothing like that. I'm… talking with one of our crewmates."

"What the—?" I heard Usopp start to ask before he clambered into sight and looked around in confusion. "What are you talking about? I saw all the dugongs back at camp, nobody else was awake—"

"Usopp…" I interrupted him firmly. "I need you to promise that you're not gonna freak out. Okay?"

The sniper blinked at me in confusion. "Cross, what are you— _grgh!"_ His voice died in his throat when I took a step to the side, revealing the figure behind me. Usopp promptly started trembling like a leaf. "W-w-w-who—!?"

Merry stared at Usopp impassively for a second before slowly allowing a massive grin to spread across her face. "I'm the only person who knows that you had to dive into my bilge for the Clima-Tact's components when you dropped them in there while working on them on the can."

Usopp's first reaction was to flush in embarrassment when Soundbite and I started snickering… before paling in realization. "W-w-wait, d-did you just say _your—!?"_

I smiled and nodded kindly before walking towards the trapdoor to the guys' room, clapping Usopp on his shoulder as I passed him. "I'll… just let you two get acquainted, then, shall I?"

"Huh?" Usopp jerked his gaze at me. "W-wait a second, Cross!"

"Usopp."

The sniper froze as Merry's gentle tone swept over him. Looking back at her… she had a kind smile on her face.

"We…" Merry started before chuckling lightly and pressing a hand to her head. "We've got a lot to talk about."

And for better or worse… that was where I left them.

 **-o-**

Somewhere in the waters of Paradise, in the stomach of one of the Marines' many seastone-lined battleships, two figures of extreme power and influence were meeting in person for the first time. Both were capable of eliciting feelings of terror from their foes and allies alike for entirely separate reasons, and both were just as capable of inciting feelings of awe from their allies as well. And today, one way or another, these two juggernauts of justice would become inextricably linked.

And it all started… with a handshake.

"Captain T-Bone," Smoker said neutrally, extending a hand.

"Commodore Smoker," wheezed the Captain in question, accepting the handshake. "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. Your reputation precedes you; I'm quite honored to meet someone else who has such high dedication for our most illustrious Marine Corps. Although…" The somewhat decrepit-looking swordsman glanced around the storeroom they were meeting in. "I will admit to some measure of confusion as to why you insist that we meet here, as opposed to either of our cabins…"

Smoker blew out a heavy cloud as he sat on a nearby crate, giving the captain an evaluating look. "Because I've gone over every inch of both my cabin and this room, and when stacked against one another, this room is much more insulated against eavesdropping than the standard Naval Captain's cabin. All that water-tightening, at a guess."

T-Bone slowly blinked at Smoker. "Eavesdropping? What are you—?" He was interrupted by the door to the storeroom opening, allowing a third figure carrying a Transponder Snail to enter the room.

"Captain T-Bone," Smoker grunted as he gestured at the individual. "Meet my second, Ensign Tashigi." The Ensign in question nodded respectfully at the Captain before placing the fully aware and attentive Transponder Snail she was carrying on a nearby crate and standing at attention by her superior. "And on the other end of that Snail is my long-time friend and confidant, Captain 'Black Cage' Hina."

" _Hina is grateful for your agreement to meet with us, Captain._ "

T-Bone looked rather nonplussed. "The… pleasure is mine, Captain, but I would like to know what all of this is about."

"To begin to answer that, Captain… what is your opinion of the Marine Corps?" Smoker asked neutrally.

T-Bone paused at the apparent non sequitur. "My opinion? I should say that that is obvious, Commodore." He confidently rapped his fist against his breastplate. "Our organization stands as a bastion of justice and righteousness, and one that I am proud to dedicate every fiber of my being to serve. I dare say that you feel the same, if your performance against the former Warlord Crocodile is any indication."

Tashigi shifted uncomfortably as she listened to the spiel, glancing at Smoker. "Commodore…"

Smoker stared at T-Bone silently for a second before sighing out a cloud of smoke and grinding out one of his cigars on the crate he was sitting on. "Let me tell you a story, Ensign Tashigi," he started slowly, eyes shut in concentration. "A story whose details I picked up on when I was still a green rookie back in Marineford." He flicked a glance at T-Bone. "Have you ever heard of the 13th Royal Marine Flotilla?"

Every muscle in T-Bone's body seemed to tense up, while Tashigi merely looked confused. "I… can't say that I have, sir. And I've… never heard of any divisions that were designated as 'Royal' either, for that matter."

Smoker shrugged as he dug out a new cigar and set about lighting it. "Not surprising, Ensign. The tradition of labeling divisions and fleets as being specifically 'Royal' is a West Blue practice, where there's more of a monarchical presence than the rest of the world. The 13th were particularly renowned back in the day for their indisputable and uncontestable sense of brotherhood, dedication…" Smoker finally got a spark going, and ignited the end of his cigar. "…and justice."

Tashigi glanced around as the mood hung thick and heavy over the room, feeling uncomfortably behind. "That's… very impressive sir…" She stiffened as something clicked with her. "You… you said that they _were_ renowned, sir?"

T-Bone slowly reached up and tilted the visor of his helmet down, shading his eyes solemnly. "I am… sorry to inform you of this, miss," he stated evenly. "But you see, the 13th Royal Marine Flotilla was made defunct a little more than twelve years ago."

"O-oh, I see, I'm sorry…" Tashigi scratched her arm uncomfortably as she tried to find something to say. "What… what happened?"

Hina's snail mimicked the shake of her head. " _Twelve years ago, all Marine forces of the West Blue were collectively recruited for participation in a singular operation known as the 451 Degree Campaign."_

"It was a manhunt of epic proportions," Smoker summarized darkly. "A wave of white and blue that went from the Calm Belt to the Red Line and encompassed every inch of the West Blue in between, every island and patch of sea… all for the sole purpose of locating a single fugitive who had evaded the forces of the World Government for the past eight years."

Tashigi frowned as the numbers she was given started tickling something in her memory. She ran a quick calculation, and paled at the result she came up with. "Nico Robin…" she whispered numbly.

Smoker nodded solemnly. "Bingo. She'd have been sixteen at the time. Obviously, the 451 Degree Campaign failed. We believe that it was that self-same maneuver that drove her out of the West Blue and into the Grand Line. She only managed to avoid the pursuit of the collective might of the world thanks to a crime ring that had been operating in the shadows for the past few decades. Arms trading, black market dealings, assassinations, slavery… it's only the fact that it would require an extortionate amount of force to prove their crimes and connections that let them keep going for so long. The Campaign wiped out every trace of the ring, but Nico Robin slipped through their fingers. It's only the fact that they had taken out such a blight on the West Blue that kept those twelve fleets from being court-martialed by Marineford itself, and even then, only just."

Once anew, the numbers stuck out to Tashigi. "Twelve fleets? But what about—?"

"The… 13th was made defunct _prior_ to the start of the Campaign…" T-Bone wheezed. "Due to… differences of opinion."

" _They disagreed with the undertaking as a whole,"_ Hina clarified. " _To a man, the soldiers of the 13th disagreed with the basis of the operation. They viewed it as a gross misappropriation of resources, leaving the majority of the West Blue to suffer at the hands of countless other pirates while they pursued a single criminal, and an underaged one at that. They just didn't see how the costs could justify the means. So, they started to organize a protest against the campaign, and they were apparently about to make overtures to the rest of the Royal Flotillas as well for a show of unity…"_

"When they were discovered by the chief officer of the Campaign," Smoker ground out darkly. "The highly-acclaimed Vice-Admiral Sakazuki."

The blood drained from Tashigi's face, while a minor tremor shook T-Bone's gaunt figure. "Oh, God…" she breathed. "He didn't…"

Smoker drew in a lungful of smoke before blowing it into the air, watching it twirl in the lamplight. "To the last man," he confirmed solemnly. "For the crimes of high treason against the World Government, insubordination and mutiny. And when the 451 Degree Campaign started two weeks later, it was led not by Vice-Admiral Sakazuki… but by _Admiral_ Akainu."

"I think I'm going to be sick…" Tashigi gurgled as she put a hand to her forehead and staggered around the room in an effort to calm her stomach.

"Be strong, Ensign," T-Bone intoned, adamant conviction strumming through his words. "To oppose the justice of the World Government is an unforgivable sin. The punishment they received for their actions was swift, just and true."

Tashigi shot a horrified look at the Captain, but before she could say _anything,_ she was interrupted by a dark chuckle filling the room.

"That's ironic, coming from you, Captain," Smoker remarked. Shock registered on T-Bone's face for the barest instant before fading back into his adamant façade, but nobody missed it. "After all, that's not the end of the story. Among the 13th Royal Flotilla, nobody escaped from Sakazuki's assault. Everyone there was subjected to his Absolute Justice, and all of them were burned alive… but there was one who survived long enough to be put on a bed and given the medical treatment necessary to save his life."

" _With magma burns over ninety percent of his body and his ability to breathe only possible via the extensive usage of machinery, he could barely speak, much less move when the newly appointed Admiral heard of him,"_ Hina recollected. " _And when Akainu came calling, fully intent on completing his inquisition, the survivor began to speak. He told of how he had seen the light, the error of his ways, and come to understand the glorious mission of the Marine Corps. He looked Akainu in the eye, inasmuch as he could, and he_ thanked _him for what he'd done. For killing his fellow sinners and for sparing him from death so that he might devote his life to the World Government's Divine Justice, protecting civilians from criminals and punishing those criminals for their crimes. In a show of approval that Akainu has never performed since, he not only spared the survivor's life, but promised him a promotion as soon as he was fit to return to duty, and_ personally _put in the efforts needed to ensure that that time came as soon as possible."_

"With all the medical treatment that the World Government could provide, that survivor soon gained the ability to breathe independently again, though every breath was an effort." Smoker blew out yet another cloud, his gaze never deviating from T-Bone's stony face. "His face recovered to a degree that could be deemed 'presentable', though it remained gaunt, and somewhat skeletal. And from that day on, he never strayed again from the Marine Corps; he was a model commander, a father to his men, a hero to any civilians he helped, and a demon to any criminals who crossed him. But above all, he gained a reputation for never allowing the slightest hint of crookedness to enter any aspect of his life that he could control."

Tashigi's mouth slowly opened again as she turned to stare at T-Bone. His fists were clenched, but his expression remained unreadable.

"Personally, though," Smoker stated as he held out his cigars and examined them. "I wonder about the truth of that aftermath. On the one hand, it's possible that he could have truly converted like that… but on the other, he could have just been so scared he decided to always stay well away from the mere _thought_ of angering the World Government from then on. And yet, he always maintained that sense of duty and integrity that drove him to stand alongside his brothers in the 13th to do what they felt was right. I think that it's possible that the good Marine…" He looked at Captain T-Bone dead on. "May have remained _decent_ to this day."

T-Bone stared impassively at Smoker for a few moments. "…How do you differentiate the two terms?" he asked quietly.

Smoker exhaled. "As someone defined it to me not long ago… a good Marine follows his orders to the letter, and will sacrifice all for the sake of Justice."

"But decent Marines will sacrifice everything for the sake of all those whom they swore to protect," Tashigi continued firmly, conviction in her voice.

"Even _Justice, if it comes down to it_ ," Hina finished.

T-Bone's eyes widened marginally for a bare fraction of a moment. For a time, he just… stood there, staring dead ahead at nothing.

Finally, he turned around without a word and started to stride towards the door.

"Captain T-Bone?" Tashigi asked hesitantly.

The Captain halted in the doorway, staring at it for a second before leaning his head back, a smile on his barely-present lips.

"Ah, what a beautiful day…" he sighed euphorically, apparently speaking to himself. "I am so glad I chose to go for a walk. I look forward to seeing Commodore Smoker tomorrow when he arrives. I've heard good things about him. I hope he lives up to my expectations."

The two Marines and the snail sagged in defeat.

"C-captain T-Bone, _please—!"_ Tashigi started to plead desperately.

"I truly hope that nothing untoward happens during the meeting," T-Bone forged on, heedless of the Ensign's protests. "I would hate for the meeting to be… _sullied."_

And with that, the Captain made to reach for the door—

" _Don don don don!"_

When he was given pause by the telltale ringing of a snail behind him.

Tashigi glanced at the ringing snail in shock before hastily rallying. "C-Captain T-Bone, I am _begging you!_ Just ten minutes of your time, ten minutes, that's all we ask. Listen to the SBS with us, and then afterwards…" She bit her lip hesitantly before looking away. "Afterwards… you can decide what you will. Just… please, give us a chance?"

T-Bone's smile was gone, and his face betrayed no emotion. After another two rings, his hand fell back to his side, no longer reaching for the door. He made no more movement than that, and said nothing. Smoker took that for what it was, and looked at the snail, before pausing. "… Does anyone know how to answer the damn snail with a call already running?"

"… _Hina still wonders how we can hold calls despite the broadcast,"_ the other Marine Captain admitted.

Tashigi thought it over for a minute before snapping her fingers. She then proceeded to kneel before the snail with a hopeful grin. "Would you mind connecting to the SBS, please?"

The snail's expression shifted from Hina's uneasy one to a look of surprise before shrugging and letting out a CLICK! It then started whistling patiently. "— _three, four, five, six—"_

Tashigi smiled beatifically. "Thank you."

"…I will have to remember to treat Transponder Snails with the utmost respect in the future," T-Bone muttered.

" _Nine, and woo, that's a pretty number! Alrighty, I'd say we're good! Oh, wait. Soundbite, have you got the Gastro-Scramble up?"_

" **Yup yup yup!"**

" _OK, good. And now, ladies and gentlemen—!"_

" _So this is the part where you usually start the SBS?"_ came a feminine voice.

" _Exact— SONNUVA BITCH! NOT EVEN BY THE DAMN SNAIL THIS TIME!"_

" _Leave my mother out of this!"_ Lassoo barked with a snicker.

" _ **OH THE insect-ity of it**_ all! **I'VE BEEN** OUTFOXED!"

" _Gee, did you hurt yourself thinking of that one?"_

" **Only however MUCH IT** PAINS ME _**whenever I think of you,**_ _PUFFBALL!"_

"Oh, hell, no. _Two of them_?" Tashigi groaned miserably.

"One of these crates has _got_ to have sake in it," Smoker grunted, getting up from his seat and looking around.

"Oh, please, allow me to assist you," T-Bone said fervently, moving away from the door.

" _I knew keeping a bottle at my desk was a good idea,_ " Hina muttered.

" _Ugh… alright, with another attempt for me to start my own freaking radio show foiled, let's go ahead and get this rolling. First of all, as you can tell, I'm not alone on this broadcast. I might regret this, but why don't you introduce yourself?"_

" _Oh? Well, alright. Heso, everyone!"_

 **-o-**

"…And that's basically the long and short of it," I concluded. "Personally, I _still_ think it's incredible. A long-lost city of gold in the sky, apparently watched over by a cruel and despotic 'god' who can fling down lightning at a whim. Just when you think the world can't get any more ridiculous—"

"It thwows yah anothah cuhveball!" Carue finished with a snicker.

"As the duck said," I nodded in agreement. "But anyways, allow me to catch you up on the game plan we decided on this morning. We've split into four separate groups. The first group, composed of Nami, Usopp, Sanji, Leo, Raphey, Isaiah, Gan Fall, Pierre and Aisa, are currently handling our escape route. They're navigating the Going Merry out of Upper Yard and to safer waters, so that our ship stays unmolested. The second group, composed of Luffy, Chopper, Zoro, Terry and Robin, are heading towards where we determined the city of gold to be located, thanks to the map Robin picked up while we were in Jaya. According to Aisa, she can _tell_ that Eneru is thereabouts, so they'll have the dual task of finding us our payday and proof of Noland's claims, as well as kicking god's ass. Third are our Shandian allies, who are accompanied by Boss, Mikey and Donny. They're regrouping with the main Shandian invasion force, and then going on a priest hunt. Shura first, to be specific. Boss is _keen_ on getting his rematch. And finally, the last group is composed of us: Soundbite, Lassoo and I, Conis, Su, Vivi and Carue."

I frowned darkly as we moved through the severely untamed flora of Upper Yard, massive roots, branches, and rocks impeding our progress at every turn. Carue was having the least amount of difficulty, it seemed; I could only guess that he'd had plenty of training for different terrains. "The fact is that Eneru is an egotistical bastard with the mother of all God Complexes. Chances are that when we try and take him down, he won't go down easy. At minimum, he'll want to take his 'followers' with him. Hence, we're making our way to Conis' home, Angel Island, in an effort to try and convince the locals to evacuate, at least until the danger's passed. Hopefully nothing will come from it, but honestly—"

" _Baa-a-a-a~"_

We came to an abrupt halt when we heard the unmistakable sound of a goat coming from nearby. "Vivi, how confident are you now with those Lion Cutters?"

By way of response, the princess began spinning one of the weapons in question, while Carue exchanged looks with Soundbite. The snail frowned in concentration.

" _Baa-a-a-a~"_

It was closer this time.

" **Three of them…** 7 O'CLOCK!"

The hand-scythe lashed out at Soundbite's cry. The three goat-like Enforcers attempted to dodge, but only partly succeeded; one took the hit head-on, falling down in a bleeding mess, while the second got a nasty gash on his side. The third evaded the blade entirely… and was instead shot off into the depths of the forest as he caught a baseball moving as fast as a cannonball in his gut. I then moved to confront the remaining, minorly sliced enforcer… and promptly widened my eyes in shock as I noticed that the one in question was wielding a bazooka; weren't these dumbassess only supposed to be packing Axe Dials?!

Said Enforcer promptly began circling around the group on his skates, bringing his bazooka to bear. Unfortunately for him and luckily for us, while Dial Skates were fast, Supersonic Ducks were much faster; before he knew what was happening, Carue was behind him, and a quick jump and lash of his talons later found the would-be attacker sprawling and landing hard on the ground. He attempted to get up—

 _CRACK!_

And promptly collapsed with a groan as a fallen tree branch cracked over the back of his skull.

The rest of us looked in surprise at the very clearly incensed Conis, who had a ferocious scowl on her face as she looked down at the Enforcer. She huffed several breaths, and after a few seconds, managed to unclench her fists around the branch she'd used as an impromptu club. Then, tossing it aside, she bent down and took the Enforcer's bazooka, slinging it over her back with what I swear was practiced ease.

"It looks like I'm going to be putting those combat lessons from the White Berets to good use after all," the angel sighed grimly. "And here I just thought I'd only ever have to use them in case hostile pirates or guerillas decided to attack the beach…"

"I told you so, didn't I?" Su asked with a visible grin. "Conis was comparable to Captain McKinley himself with how much effort she put into strengthening herself to protect her and her dad; she just opted for a more peaceful lifestyle because of the shit Eneru had her doing."

"…Wow," Vivi finally managed.

"You said it," Lassoo whistled.

I finally managed to get my wits about me with a grin as I remembered that I was still broadcasting. "Well, I guess this just goes to show: first impressions are worth absolutely—!"

Looking back on it… it just happened so fast…

Three warnings, three simple warnings, all at the same time and all within _seconds…_ how could I have reacted? How could anyone have reacted?

It just… it just happened.

A crackle in the air, like static.

An acute stench of ozone.

And that voice… that _voice…_

"Be _quiet,_ worm."

In the split second I had, the split second where my neurons fired I just… I just _reacted._ I grabbed Soundbite and my bag and I _flung_ them… somewhere. Anywhere, really, just so long as they were away from me, and then… and then I jerked. Lunged, more like it, shoulder-checking Conis in an effort to get her as far away from me as was physically possible.

As I fell to the ground from the sheer overbalancing I'd done, I turned around, twisting my torso.

All I saw was a finger, a single index finger, pointing at my chest...

And then my world became white.

 **Cross-Brain AN: Something else we realized that we've been falling short on, loyal viewers: sadistic cliffhangers, so here's one. And to amplify the sadism, we're going to be on hiatus next week. We hope you enjoy seething at us, and we'll see you two weeks from now!**

 **The Patient One AN: But seriously, everyone, it's not merely sadism that has us doing this. Finals Week is fast approaching for two of the three of us, and needs must we give that the dedication and attention that it necessitates.**

 **Xomniac AN: Which is good, because this chapter has burned. Me.** _ **Out!**_ **Viva the break! Also, 30K words in one chapter! Hahaha! Kiss my ass, sandman, no sleep tonight!**


	31. The 1000th Review Spectacular!

**Xomniac AN: Surprise, ladies and gents! We said we were on hiatus, but instead we're bringing you Chapter Thi—!**

 **CV12Hornet AN: You thought it was Chapter 30, but it was really—**

 **This Bites! The 1000th Review Spectacular!**

 **Xomniac AN: Yeah, he's a Jojo fan, and I'm getting there too. Honestly, I** _ **wanted**_ **to title the chapter 'Chapter 30' to fuck with you all, but he was all 'down Satan, we're evil enough already', and honestly? He's right!**

 **The Patient One AN: We're still not going to publish Chapter 30 before the appointed time, but you can thank Fan Fiction user animefan29 that we're putting aside finals studying long enough to provide this. We do hope you enjoy what this special provides. Oh, and for those who ask, this takes place after Alabasta, but before Jaya.**

"Ah… this is the life…" I sighed as I sat back in the crow's nest of the Merry.

" _The King and his men stole the queen from her bed, and bound her in her bones,_ " Soundbite sang contentedly in agreement. " _The seas be ours, and by the powers; where we will, we'll roam._ "

I smiled as I shifted around and started to settle in; now _that_ was one song I could definitely tolerate. _Technically_ , I was supposed to be keeping a lookout for anything approaching, but really, Soundbite was a far better warning system than my own eyes. I was just his glorified carrier, and honestly, for once I was happy to have that title, seeing how it gave me an opportunity to just kick back and do nothing. Now, I just needed to close my eyes, relax, and hope that nothing came—

"HEY, CROSS!"

" **AGH!"** /"YEEEAAARGH _NONONO_!"

 _SPLASH!_

I slowly poked my head out of the water next to the Merry and stared up at the crow's nest where I'd been perched before leaping out of it in shock, glaring cold daggers at my captain who was hanging off the side of said crow's nest and snickering as Soundbite did his level best to gnaw his index finger off.

"Whoops, sorry about that, Cross! Here, let me help!" Luffy shot his hand down, grabbed my collar and yanked me up to his eyesight, still wearing that _stupid_ grin on his face. "Wow, you're really jumpy, huh?"

I stared at Luffy silently for a second before grabbing up Soundbite and returning him to my shoulder, where he joined me in glaring. We held the dark look for several seconds…

"Uh, Cross?" Luffy asked with a slightly uncomfortable look.

"You have ten seconds to start running," I calmly stated. "One… two…"

" **TEN!"** Soundbite barked.

I responded by whipping out my baton and taking a swing at Luffy's head, which he narrowly ducked under, releasing me and letting me fall back to the deck in the progress.

Rather than crash land like a hapless schmuck, I instead stuck a three-point landing and held the pose for a moment before slowly turning my glare up at Luffy. "You're not running yet. _That is not wise."_

Luffy stayed hanging off the crow's nest, sweating like a pig, for a long second before darting away.

"GET BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN!"

For the next minute or so, I did the Looney Tunes nice and proud as I chased Luffy around and around the deck of the Going Merry, swinging and swiping at the rubber moron as fiercely as could manage. Judging by how fast he was running and the fact that I actually _did_ manage to leave a few sizeable lumps on him, I must have been _really_ pissed off. I wouldn't know; a lot of that chase is one big blur.

In the end, the chase terminated with Luffy bolting into the dining area and me following him like a bat out of hell. I'd _just_ managed to tackle him and was about to give him a nice and sound thwack…

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CROSS!"

When any anger I had abruptly dissolved into open-mouthed shock at what I saw when I got inside.

It was… well, honestly, it wasn't anything _outlandish._ I mean, it was a surprise birthday party for Pete's sake, completely normal! But that was exactly what made it fantastic. This stupidly ordinary occurrence, balloons, streamers, cake and all… really, I think it was the sight of _Nico freaking Robin_ wearing a conical party hat that capped it all off.

All in all, for once, I was... flat-out speechless. There were just… no words. Or at least, few words. "I… what the… but…" I sputtered out weakly.

"I do believe we broke him," Robin sagely observed.

 _That_ served to at least kickstart the snark-subsection of my brain. "Your new accessory isn't really helping matters on that front, ice queen!" I blurted out before I knew what I was saying.

CLONK! "DON'T CALL ROBIN-DEAR AN ICE-QUEEN, SNAIL MAIL!"

An unwise move, considering the fact that Sanji was in the room.

"Oooow…" I groaned as I massaged my throbbing skull. "Well, _she_ doesn't seem to be offended…" I grumbled out with a scowl before refocusing on the bigger picture. "And… a birthday party? For me!? But how did you even know that it was today!?"

"You said that it was at the end of the month when Daddy and Igaram gave you your Transceiver," Vivi explained with a chuckle. "We started planning it shortly after we left Alabasta. In light of all the…" She grimaced for a second before shaking her head. " _Unpleasantness,_ we thought that it'd be nice for us to actually celebrate something for once!"

"And what bettah kind a' pawty is theyah than a supwize pawty?" Carue squawked eagerly with a toot of his party horn.

"As for Soundbite, we planned this all out and set it up while he was either asleep or distracted," Boss explained. "A bit complicated, but eh!" He gave his noisemaker a quick twirl. "Damn if it wasn't worth it!"

"But we set this all up and sent Luffy to get you _ten minutes_ ago!" Nami planted her fists on her hips with a judging look. "What took you so long to get here? And why are you _wet?"_

Soundbite and I froze as we exchanged looks. "Ah…"

"You two were falling asleep again, weren't you?" Lassoo stated more than asked.

" _Shut it, mutt!"_ the snail and I barked in synch, but I swiftly recovered with a shaky grin. "But ah… seriously, you guys, this is… this is _beyond_ above and beyond. Thank you… thank you _so much,_ this means more to me than you can possibly imagine!"

"Psh, what, this!?" Usopp waved his arm at the room with a melodramatic sniff. "This is nothing! Why, I'll have you know that I once threw a party a hundred times larger than this, which was attended by a thousand people at once!"

"Wow, really!?" Chopper squealed eagerly before freezing and tapping his chin contemplatively. "Now, wait, that sounds bit unlikely… but maybe _it's possible… with a big enough island, enough invitations,_ _ **and properly hallucinogenic ink—!"**_

 _THWACK!_

"OW!…thank you, Boss."

"Any time, Doc."

"But that's funny, Usopp. Syrup Village is a pretty small place, how could you have invited 1000 people when there aren't even 100 living there?" I asked cheekily.

"HEY! I'll have you know that our island had no fewer than 200 people on it, even after I left! Sure, most of them were spread out and only about fifty or so lived in Syrup Village…" Usopp trailed off hesitantly. "Wait, what am I saying, this isn't helping me…"

"Indignant reactions are such useful tools to make lies fall apart," Robin remarked.

"Ahem?" Zoro coughed. "As funny as it is to catch Usopp in a lie—"

"HEY!"

"We've still got a party to start, and I have training I want to get back to. So, if we could move things along?"

"Ooh, yeah, that sounds good!" Luffy snapped his head up eagerly. "I want cake!"

"I can get behind that motion!" I nodded eagerly, taking in the cake they'd set up on the table with glee. "Is that—?"

"Pure chocolate, minimal frosting, and what little is there is _also_ chocolate and not too thick either," Sanji rattled off as he proudly took a drag from his cigarette. "Don't ask me how I knew, just thank me by enjoying every bite of it."

"HA!" I barked. "Now _that_ I can agree with!" I wrung my hands eagerly as I eyed the 19 candles arranged on the cake. "Alright, what to wish for, what to wish for… half's already come true, half would ruin the good thing I've already got going…" I mulled over the wish for a moment before smiling vividly.

"Looks like he's got something in mind, huh?" Raphey smirked.

"Yeah, yeah, I think I do…" I breathed.

"THEN COME ON!" Soundbite snickered. " **Make it official!"**

Nodding in agreement, I took a deep breath and blew as hard as I could on the candles. I smiled as I watched the smoke waft away, basking in the cheers and applause of my friends, almost family by now…

 _SPLAT!_

Aaaand then I blinked in stunned confusion as a chunk of chocolate hit me dead in the face, on account of a freaking _person_ dropping out of thin air and smack dab into the middle of my cake.

There was a brief moment of silence as everyone tried to process the event, which was ultimately broken by Nami wiping the chocolate off of her face and giving me a _look._ "Cross… I want you to know, in no uncertain terms, that there is absolutely no version of this where this _isn't_ your fault."

"…Nami," I finally spoke. "I want you to know… I _totally_ agree with you."

 **-o-**

One relatively fast clean-up and cake-salvaging later (it was either that or let Sanji pummel our 'guest' to death… or me, for that matter!) and we were all standing around the table, where we'd laid out our mysterious and yet-K.O. interloper.

Robin started things off by slowly walking around the perimeter of the table, examining the guy's body before glancing up at me. "You have… unique tastes, Mister Jeremiah."

"Watch it, Demon Child," I shot back frigidly.

"I do mind being called _that_ ," she replied with equal coldness.

"Good, then I'd say we're around even," I grit out, though as cold as my tone was, it certainly didn't mean that she was _wrong._ Er, about the uniqueness of this whole affair I mean, not—! Oh, forget it.

Anyway, the outfit worn by the person laid out on the table was about as unique as it got out here on the Grand Line. The guy was wearing a pitch-black hooded trenchcoat and jeans, which were emblazoned with crimson flames at regular intervals, as well as metal-plated boots. A number of rough red-outlined black arrows spread out across the guy's shirt, depicting the symbol for Chaos, of all things. Oddly enough, the guy's hands were wrapped in bandages, and going by the way they extended up his wrist, they most likely encompassed his arms.

Oddest of all was the man's head: his face was completely obscured by a mess of thick gauze bandages, wound in a very Invisible-Man-esque style that gave the stranger a slight 'Slenderman' vibe. How he could see was beyond any of us. We couldn't even determine what kind of hair the man had, due to the fact that his trenchcoat's hood stayed firmly in place around his head.

"Sooo…" Boss hummed as he looked the guy over. "I'll admit, I'm not all that savvy on how you pirates and surface-dwellers do things, but I'm assuming nothing about this situation is normal, is it?"

"Yeah, no, I have absolutely no clue," I shook my head in denial, glancing at Zoro and Nami in the process. Judging by the ways they stiffened and redoubled their focus on the guy, they got the message loud and clear.

"Chopper, is there something wrong with him?" Vivi asked in concern.

The human-reindeer looked up from the man, who he'd been giving a cursory exam, at least, as much as he could. Seriously, the guy had his clothes on tight, the bandages especially, and we weren't quite at the point where we wanted to go as far as cutting them off yet. "Aside from a few anomalies that I _really_ want to look into at the soonest possible convenience? No, absolutely nothing. This man appears to be in peak physical condition. The only reason I can think of for him to not be moving or reacting is that—!"

At that instant, a sound very much like an unholy combination of a wood chipper and a dying pig echoed throughout the room… originating from the guy's _mouth._

Chopper's eye twitched viciously, and it had _nothing_ to do with an IQ boost. "He's _asleep."_

Soundbite blinked and tilted his head in confusion. " _ **Am I the only**_ ONE GETTING _a sense of DÉJÀ VU?_ _ **SOMETHING ABOUT HIM**_ **is... FAMILIAR...** "

"Well, now that you _mention_ it…" Lassoo huffed as he sniffed at the air.

"Oh, I'm not the only one?" Chopper sighed in relief. "That's good, because I noticed a few things—"

"Hey, anyone else wanna see what's under the bandages?" Luffy cut in eagerly, reaching for the medical fabric in question. "Maybe it's really cool!"

"Whoa, watch it, Luffy!" I stepped up to him hastily. "If I know one thing about strangers wearing disguises—and comic books have taught me a lot—it's that they don't react well to anyone touching their—!"

Unfortunately, Luffy chose just that moment to poke at the edge of the man's bandages, prompting his arm to shoot up and _grab my freaking throat!_

" _Masks!"_ I wheezed out, yanking at his fingers in panic. Holy hell, what were they made of, _pure steel!?_

The rest of the crew _made_ to intervene…

" _Αγγίξει και πάλι και εγώ θα επανακαλωδίωναν έντερα σας!_

But were promptly frozen by the vicious hiss that the guy let out. And I couldn't blame them, either. Because while I had _no_ idea what the guy said, nor did I suspect that most of the crew did either, we _all_ sure as hell recognized his voice!

"What…" Nami started.

"The…" Sanji continued.

" _Hell!?"_ Zoro finished incredulously.

" _ **CROSS!?"**_ Soundbite belted out.

I, meanwhile, was too busy turning blue from the hand around my throat. Thankfully, it eased up enough that I could breathe and start thinking again. Or, as much as I could think with ' _What the fuck!'_ running through my head on a loop.

Whoever this was didn't say anything for a long minute. He just stared, and stared, and—

" _OH, COME ON!_ **WE'VE DONE THIS GAG ALREADY!"**

Apparently _that_ managed to snap, well, _me_ out of whatever the hell I—he had been doing, because I— _he_ let me— _me_ go, snapping his head around the room in shock. "What the—? Where am—!? And what are you—!? Wait… are we on the _Going Merry!?"_

The sheer shock of the situation left everyone—even Robin and Soundbite—stunned for the moment. The bandaged-up me took in the sights around him before ramming his elbow into the tabletop, hard, and letting out a hiss of pain.

"OK, so I'm not dreaming… probably… so, does that mean I'm back in time or something?"

"Back in time?" several people repeated.

"Let's see…" I— _HE, DAMN IT!—_ scratched _his_ chin thoughtfully. "We're on the Merry… Boss is here… hmm."

He glanced at me.

"Have you met the monkeys yet?" he asked.

I frowned in confusion before blinking as I realized what he meant. "Uh, no. And… how far ahead are you from?"

He shot his finger up, then slowly lowered it with a _slooow_ tilt to his head. "…wouldn't you all like to know."

I slapped myself— _me_ myself. "Oh, come on, would I really be that cruel to myself?" I paused before sagging. "Yes. Yes, I would." I then proceeded to grin eagerly. "That means you're really me!"

"I'm really you!" He threw his hands up in agreement.

We slapped our hands together in synch. " _BOOYAH!"_

"Oh my God, there are two of them," Nami groaned, burying her face in her hands.

"I wonder if there are two Soundbites, too," Robin mused, which prompted Usopp to stiffen.

"Nope, sorry, no Soundbite," Future Me answered, prompting Usopp to sigh in relief and Luffy to let out an "Aww!" of disappointment.

"WHAT?! _Wh-wh-what…_ **d-did I—?** "

"Oh, don't worry, you're still alive and uncooked," Future Me waved dismissively. He then grabbed his chin and tilted his head thoughtfully. "But how did I get here, we wonder?"

"We wonder indeed…" I nodded in solemn agreement. "Random Grand Line madness?"

"Possible, but I seriously doubt it in this case," he replied thoughtfully. "Paradise is capable of _some_ crazy shit, sure, but time-space fuckery… I dunno, that sounds more like the New World to me…"

"Yeah, fair point…" I conceded reluctantly.

Silence fell for a moment before I grimaced as the answer came to me, and I could practically see the same expression on Future Me's face. "B.R.O.B.," we snarled together, making everyone in the room sans Robin, Carue, and the Dugongs tense up.

And as a clear confirmation, a piece of paper materialized on top of my other self's head. He took it and read it… how, I don't know. Then he read it aloud: "' _I said don't expect any more favors, but I figured granting this wish for a little while would be entertaining enough. Have fun playing with yourself, as well entertaining your guests. B.R.O.B.'_ You know, I really have to wonder how I feel about that thing at this point…"

"Wait, so this wasn't your birthday wish, too?" I asked.

"Wait, you wished for future you?!" Future Me started in confusion.

"No, I wished for—ah…" I trailed off uncomfortably. "Just… it's personal, alright? And twisted to hell and back and we are going to need to have an honest talk later, alright?"

He shrugged. "Fair enough. So… now what? Luffy probably won't want me to answer any questions you guys have about what's going to happen—"

"Probably not, but could you at least explain why your face is covered up like that?" Zoro posed.

"And how you're able to see and hear through it?" Nami added.

"And why you tried to crush my trachea, now that they mention it!" I tacked on.

"And why you spoke _Greek_ earlier?" Vivi contributed, her tone _much_ more worried.

 _That_ drew all of our attention to her, while bandaged me looked away and whistled innocently.

"What _did_ Jeremiah Sr. say, Princess Nefertari?" Robin questioned.

"Rough translation?" Vivi grabbed herself and shivered. "' _Touch it and I'll rewire your intestines.'_ "

I and everyone else slowly turned back to my other self. "…Hot damn, I dude," I breathed before cocking an eyebrow. "So… I got badass, huh?"

 _THWACK!_

"THAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THINK AFTER YOU ALMOST KILLED YOURSELF?" Nami roared as she rapped her fist over my skull.

"Owwww…" I whined petulantly.

"They have a point," Future Me stated. "It was _not_ a fun process, becoming this badass. Though really, you guys should stop hitting Cross like that."

Nami froze. "Uh… why?" she wondered, her voice strained.

Despite the bandages, we all got the sense that Future Me was grinning viciously before sticking up a finger and ticking it back and forth. "Spoi~lers~!" he sang tauntingly.

I shot him a wide-eyed look before crossing my arms. "Oh, hell, no, you're River Song-ing me?! _Seriously!?"_

"Heheh, it _sucks_ to be on the other side, don't it?" he chuckled.

"I believe that you're still avoiding the other questions, Jeremiah Sr.," Robin remarked. The sense that he was smiling faded as he turned to look at Robin.

"…It's Cross, Robin," he stated firmly.

"If you say so, Jeremiah Sr.," she replied cheekily, only to have her smile fade as he turned to her; despite the bandages, his glare was almost palpable.

"Call. Me. Cross. I don't mind if you call Jeremiah Jeremiah—"

"Hey!" I snapped indignantly.

"Oh, calm down, Jeremiah," he scoffed, though still with a hint of smugness. "We have to have some way to distinguish us from each other, and this is the simplest way to do it. So, unless there are any further objections—?"

 _CL-CLICK!_

He stiffened in a way that indicated a blink before slowly turning to stare down Lassoo's barrel. "…well, now."

"I will _end_ you," I snarled darkly.

"…shouldn't you only be able to just _barely_ carry him at this point?"

I grit my teeth and forced my knees to stop knocking from the weight. "Rage is both an anesthetic _and_ a steroid."

He stared at me before shrugging nonchalantly. "Fine, no Jeremiah, then. But we can't both go by Cross right now, even if Robin _does_ consent to calling one of us that."

I took a moment to appreciate the fact that he had grown used to the Robin of his time calling us Cross—and that _was_ extremely comforting—before looking at the bandaged me in renewed exasperation. "Oh, come on, you've got to have earned a bounty by now, just use your epithet!" I barked.

He snickered before looking thoughtful. "Hmm… yeah, no. Spoilers and all that. BUT!" He hastily waved his hands when I shoved Lassoo at him. "That gives me an idea. Call me Wyvern."

A pause. "How'd you come up with that? You…" I tilted my head to stare at him thoughtfully as I dropped Lassoo. "Did you eat a Devil Fruit?"

"No, no," he waved his hand non-committally. "I haven't been pushed _that_ far yet. At least, not when I had one of the rotten things handy, anyway. It's more of a reference to just how much of an impact the SBS has made. Since in my time it's caused about as much damage for the poor bastards in Marineford as the Revolutionaries have, I figured another name for Dragon would be appropriate."

"As much as the most wanted man in the world?" Robin breathed.

"… How high of a bounty are talking here?" Sanji asked carefully.

He looked around, and we got the distinct impression that he was grinning. "Let's just say… it's the highest in the crew, and leave it at that."

We took a second to process things before reacting in the appropriate manner.

"… What."

"HOLY CRAP, HE GOT A BOUNTY HIGHER THAN LUFFY'S?!"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EVEN DO, CROSS?!"

"Spoilers, spoilers, spo~ilers~" Wyvern sang.

I opened my mouth to snarl a reply, only for Soundbite to interrupt.

"SHIP INCOMING!" he announced. " **And not** _ **friendly, either."**_

"What makes you say that, Soundbite?" Usopp asked nervously.

There was a whistling sound from outside the cabin, followed up by a loud explosion.

" _Take a_ WILD GUESS."

We immediately all scrambled outside, Wyvern included, taking in the sight of a medium-sized galleon about half a mile to the righ— _starboard_. One of the cannons was smoking, and we could still see the froth from where the cannonball had smashed into the water. The oddest thing, though, was the complete lack of a Jolly Roger or any sort of Marine symbol.

"Alright, so who are these asshats?" Zoro growled.

"I think…" Nami muttered as she pulled out her spyglass and held it up to her eye. "Yup. Bounty hunters. Definitely not Marines, and too disciplined for pirates. Soundbite, could you—"

" _I DON'T WANNA,"_ Soundbite whined petulantly, before hastily changing his tune when Nami grabbed his eyestalks. " **ANYTHING FOR YOU,** _Nami dear!…_ _ **bitch…**_ " He tacked the last one on under his breath once she let go.

We waited expectantly as Soundbite zeroed in on the voices of the bounty hunters. And then…

"— _a great day, men! For today, we rescue the Princess Vivi from her pirate captors!"_

"Pirates kidnapped Vivi?!" Luffy demanded. "Who did that?"

" _We're_ the pirates who kidnapped her, dumbass."

"Oh, right," Luffy nodded, before going right back to peeved. "Hey, we didn't kidnap her!"

"Clearly, some people didn't get the memo," Vivi ground out through gritted teeth. "Soundbite? Gastro-Amp, please."

" _Roger-roger,_ YOU'RE LIVE."

"Excuse me?" Vivi called to the boat, forcing her voice to be calm. "You must be mistaken. Due to the bounty on my head, I've joined the Straw Hat Pirates. I'm here of my own free will."

Soundbite was silent for a moment, then his face morphed into a smug grin. " _Nice try, pirates, but we know about your ventriloquist snail! You're not going to fool us with a little voice-changing! Men, load the cannons!"_

We only _just_ managed to duck under the barrage of cannonballs they sent over our heads. "What the hell is their malfunction!?" Raphey demanded incredulously.

Wyvern looked scrutinizingly (I think) at the ship before sighing and hanging his head. "Yeah, I was afraid of that. The Bleeding Heart Bounty Hunters. Some of the absolute _stupidest_ headcases I've ever had the displeasure of interacting with. If you guys could sink them early, I would be _very_ much in your debt."

"Indebted to your friends… retroactively," I clarified flatly.

"It's not good time travel if your head doesn't hurt, eh?" Wyvern appeared to smirk.

" _No, no, not those cannons, you morons!"_ came the voice over the Soundbite's speakers. " _If we sink that ship, we risk killing the princess! Load the_ other _cannons, dammit!"_

"Uh, guys?" Nami said nervously. "They're wheeling these new cannons onto the deck, and those are some very large muzzles."

"Oh, right, it's this trick," Wyvern noted. "Damn, is this annoying."

"Quit it with the cryptic bullshit and just give us a straight—" Boss snarled, before being cut off as the new cannons fired. "Answer."

"Incoming!" Usopp and Carue howled, throwing themselves to the deck in a panic.

"Ah, calm down," Wyvern admonished. "Those cannons don't fire cannonballs."

We all looked up to see eight shapes flying through the air towards us. Eight rather _humanoid_ shapes.

"They fire people."

Eight bounty hunters slammed to the deck of the Merry, the metal shells they were encased in splitting apart on impact. All eight immediately drew swords and pistols, ready to attack.

"Really?" Zoro groused, grabbing his swords. "I could clean up these Mooks in ten seconds flat."

"You've been spending too much time with me if you're using that comparison, Zoro," I muttered.

"I told you already, I'm here of my own free will! Just leave us alone!" Vivi pleaded, equal parts desperate and irate.

"Don't worry, Princess, we understand that you're not in a position to say how you really feel," one of the men said gently. "We'll get you out of here and get you back home."

"Like I said, they're _stupid_ ," Wyvern said. "Every bit the stubborn, ignorant 'all pirates are evil' stance that Nami had before she joined, while _also_ not trusting the World Government, while _also_ adopting their 'tar them with the same brush' attitude. The doublethink is actually kind of impressive."

"… So, they don't believe my talk on the SBS about why I left… but they don't believe the World Government's report that I committed treason, either?" Vivi asked, thoroughly confused.

"Of course not, your highness," another man said, grinning kindly at her. "We can see the truth easily: we know you would never go against the World Government, and you would never willingly work with pirates. Ergo, they kidnapped you." The bounty hunter sighed explosively. "And it's become clear that we may have a case of brainwashing on our hands. Don't worry, princess, we know all about fixing that sort of—"

The bounty hunter suddenly cried out as Vivi's Peacock String Slashers hamstrung him, causing him to topple to the ground bleeding.

"P-Princess, why?" he cried in agony.

"Let me make one thing perfectly clear," she snarled, stepping forward, her Slashers hanging from her fingers. "I am here entirely of my own free will; now that I can't return to Alabasta, the Straw Hat Pirates are my home. I have no desire to leave this ship, and if I have to _beat that notion_ into your thick skulls, then I will!"

The bounty hunters didn't move, didn't respond, and it became clear why a few seconds later when another eight of them landed on the deck. And though seven were more of the usual mooks, the last was… unusual. Standing quite literally head and shoulders above the rest of us, he was bald, well-muscled, and sported an impressive mustache and purple tattoo stripes running across his bald head. A short dagger was strapped to the belt of his pants, and a large hammer hung across his back. He honestly looked rather intimidating.

And then completely ruined the image by lighting up like a kid on Christmas at seeing Vivi.

"Princess Vivi!" he cried out. "Don't worry, we'll have you out of here and that brainwashing deprogrammed soon! Just sit tight and—"

"GAAAAAAAH!" Vivi howled, foregoing her Peacock Slashers in favor of leaping onto the apparent leader and trying to claw his face off. The mooks around him tried to attack, only for Sanji to leap into the fray, blocking them from getting to Vivi.

"Uh… shouldn't we do something?" Usopp wondered.

"When Vivi gets wike 'dat? Fat chance!" Carue scoffed. "Da wast time she got wike dis, da ashashin wath in twaction fo' weeks!"

"Besides, as much as I'd like to hit the crap-cook, Vivi's just a little too close in on the big guy," Zoro added, before glancing at Robin's serene expression. "Unless you'd like to do anything about it?"

"Mm, no thank you. Our dear princess seems to have things well in hand," she replied. "Shall I go get a snack while we watch, Captain?"

"Yeah, great idea!" Luffy agreed.

Beside us, Boss was nodding serenely at the scene before him. "And that, students, is why the greatest enemy of a master is not another master, but a complete novice."

"…So, you should have brought April after all?" Raphey posed innocently.

"I said a novice, not someone who has neither skill nor a desire to learn skill," Boss gruffly retorted.

"Plus, she wasn't even a Dugong," Leo deadpanned.

"Yeah, remind me again how you became friends with a—?" Mikey began.

"ENOUGH OF THIS! PRINCESS, WE _WILL_ SAVE YOU!" the remaining hunters chorused, ignoring Sanji and leaping towards her, grabbing her limbs in an attempt to pry her off their leader, to no avail. Vivi continued to cling to the guy like a limpet. And, as it turned out, turning their backs on Sanji was a very bad idea.

"PARTY TABLE KICK COURSE!" he shouted, leaping over the bounty hunters and sweeping his heels over their heads. All of them went down like so many bowling pins, leaving just their leader remaining.

"I'll help you, princess!" Sanji cried. "MOUTON!"

I winced as the kick slammed into the big guy's midsection, causing him to double over clutching his gut, Vivi letting go as he slammed to the deck. She then followed it up by stomping repeatedly on his head.

"Uh, Vivi? I think he's unconscious," I pointed out.

"Good!" she shouted, giving his head one last stomp. Panting, she glanced back to us—and was suddenly aware of how large an audience she'd collected, going by the embarrassed blush on her face. "Uh, how much did you guys see?"

" **ENOUGH TO BE TERRIFIED,** _yet still know we have blackmail MATERIAL!"_ Soundbite summarized.

"That was really cool!" Luffy called out between the drumsticks he was munching on.

Vivi promptly buried her face in her hands. "Kill me…" she groaned.

"Uh, hey guys? I just noticed… where's Wyvern?" Donny interrupted. We all jumped and looked around in confusion. As he'd said, the temporarily temporally displaced duplicate was nowhere in sight.

I frowned in confusion; being me, you'd think he would've had some sort of commentary on what had just happened, especially with the added experience he had.

"Snrk…"

We all turned to look at Nami, who was still watching the ship the bounty hunters had come in on with her spyglass. Except now her face was scrunched up in suppressed laughter.

"Uh, Nami?" Vivi asked, slightly desperately. "Where's Wyvern?"

Shaking, our navigator could only point to the ship, her spyglass falling to the deck as she bent over the railing. Usopp promptly picked it up, looked over—and then did a _magnificent_ wild take.

"HOLY CRAP HE'S ON THEIR SHIP!" Usopp cried out. "AND HE'S KICKING NINE KINDS OF ASS!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Nami finally broke down laughing, clutching her gut in desperate need for air. "THEY'RE GETTING _STOMPED ON! IT'S HILARIOUS!"_

I practically ripped the spyglass out of Usopp's hands and held it up to my eye. Apparently, we'd missed most of the action, because the deck was absolutely littered with bodies that had been _brutally_ K.O.'d, but it was _really_ hard to mistake the cause of it all when Wyvern was standing in the middle of the deck, repeatedly slamming the face of a person twice his height and three times his bodyweight into the ship's main mast, only letting him go once his face was nice and tenderized. I stared at him, jaw dropped, as I observed the proof of exactly how strong I could—and _would_ —become. That shock lasted for all of five seconds before I joined Nami in cackling.

"Sail us closer!" I shouted in joy. "I want to see this!"

"Wait!" Luffy interrupted. "I'm the captain here!" There was a pause, and then he nodded. "Everyone, sail us close to that ship!"

"Aye-aye, captain!" most of the crew shouted, scrambling to get the Merry turning.

As we got closer, I took another look through the spyglass. Wyvern had apparently decided that the pile of bodies he'd left on the deck made a good lounge chair, because he was sprawled on top of the pile.

"OK, seriously, Cross, how long did it take you to go from weaker than _me_ to Monster Trio material?" Usopp demanded incredulously.

"Hey, I stopped being _that_ weak after Kureha gave me those vitamins," Wyvern snapped. "And I'm nowhere near 'Monster Trio material'; the rest of the crew has grown stronger, too."

I sagged. "So, it's only after the T-S training session?" I groaned.

"Afraid so, Cross," Wyvern replied, after a moment to realize what I meant. "You're catching me right as the session is coming to an end. And it's been hard… but fun, and very rewarding. I'm pretty sure my bounty's going to skyrocket when things get going again."

There was a groan behind us, then a meaty thwack. The groan stopped.

"Anyway," Wyvern stated, standing up and then jumping over to the Merry. "For however long I'm going to be here… I'm not sure how much I'm willing to say and how much Luffy would want me to say, but—"

"At least tell me this, Wyvern," I said, dead serious. "Has anything I've done resulted in making things blow up worse than they were before? Anything… Nine Minutes-ish?"

"Oh, come on, Cross," Wyvern said, shaking his head in exasperation. "You know as well as I do that you'd have to be _actively trying_ to make things _that_ bad."

"Nine Minutes?" Luffy asked.

"Another day, Luffy," Wyvern and I chorused, before Wyvern continued. "But honestly, no. A few times, things _have_ gone worse than expected because of us. It came close a couple of times, I'll admit, there are times where we've caused some screwups, but not more than you'd expect of the Straw Hat Pirates." I could tell he was smirking as he angled his head to glance at Luffy. "And certainly no more than our idiot of a captain."

"What?" the idiot in question asked.

"Spoilers!" Wyvern called out.

"Okay, then," came the reply from the Rubber Man, before he tilted his head in his usual thinking pose. "Hmm… if you're here, does that mean that it's your birthday, too?"

Wyvern stuck his finger up, then lowered it. "I… hadn't thought about that. I've been really wrapped up in things lately, so…"

"Wait, you mean that we didn't celebrate it with you!?" Usopp questioned incredulously.

"Future-us must be real jerks!" Chopper gasped in shock.

"I'm sure it's not that bad, Chopper," Vivi chuckled sheepishly before frowning. "Although they do raise a good point, Wyvern. Why _didn't_ we celebrate it like we were doing today?"

"Uh…" the temporal doppleganger hedged sheepishly as he tugged at the collar of his jacket, jerking his head this way and that. "Well, you see, it's like, ah…"

"Circumstances beyond anything any of us could control, I'm sure," I said, and the finality in my voice was enough for most of the crew to drop it when Wyvern nodded in agreement, albeit a bit desperately.

"Fine, if that's the case, let me reiterate our initial question, which you've dodged up until now: why are you bandaged up like that?" Sanji asked.

Wyvern hesitated, only for Luffy's voice to cut in.

"That's not important right now!" Luffy crossed his arms firmly, before beaming eagerly. "What's important is that we restart Cross's party, only twice as big! Agreed?"

A few of the crew seemed exasperated that Wyvern had gotten another excuse not to answer, myself included, but that didn't last long before I grinned. "I like the sound of that. What do you think, Wyvern? Is a birthday party on your birthday in the past with your crew of the past going to be the weirdest thing that's happened to... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say us?"

"Not even in the top ten," Wyvern replied with a laugh as he crossed his arms behind his head. "But it's not like I'm complaining!"

"Alright!" Luffy crowed, reaching up to slap Wyvern on the back. "Let's get this part—!"

Everyone froze as Luffy's hand sunk into and through Wyvern's back.

Wyvern stared at Luffy in confusion before slowly looking down at his hands, which were starting to become see-through. "Well, this sucks. Back to the grindstone for me, I guess..."

"Cross!"

Wyvern glanced back up at our captain, who had his serious-face on.

"When you get back," Luffy ordered—yes, ordered. "Make sure to celebrate your birthday. That's a captain's order!"

Wyvern stared for a few seconds before grinning under his bandages, throwing up a lazy salute. "Aye aye, captain," he replied as his legs began to fade away. "I'd say good luck, but you guys already have all the luck you need! See you on the flipside!"

"Goodbye, Cross!" we all yelled as Wyvern faded away. Yes, even me.

And then… he was gone.

For a moment, we all stood there in somber silence—only for it to be broken by Mikey sniffing loudly.

"D-D'you think we're ever going to see him again?"

As one, every single one of us turned and gave him a flat stare. Even _Luffy_.

"W-What?" the dugong stammered in nervous fear. "Why are you all looking at me like that?"

SMACK!

"Ow…"

 _SMACK!_

"Ow!"

 _ **SMACK!**_

"Alright, alright, I'm an idiot, I get it!" Mikey howled, clutching the tower of goose eggs rising from his skull. "Just stop hitting me!"

 _ **THWACK!**_

" _YEOWCH!"_

"Just for good luck," Boss snickered as he cracked his... flippers? Meh, not worth worrying about.

Any further response was pre-empted by a low groan from behind us. This time we actually did turn around, which allowed us to see the big bounty hunter trying to pull himself to his feet.

"So, what do we do with these guys?" Zoro wondered.

"Allow me," Vivi answered, her face thunderous as she stalked up to him. Kneeling down, she snapped her fingers in front of his face.

"Princess…?" the man groaned groggily.

The grogginess evaporated in a hurry when Vivi grabbed the sides of his head and looked him dead in the eyes. "Let me make this as clear as possible, so that even an ignoramus like _you_ gets the picture," she said, her voice so sweet it was almost literally sickening. "We're going to leave you on your ship, at which point you are going to sail away and never bother us again. Otherwise, I'll be _very_ upset with all of you, in which case I'll have _them,_ " this was accompanied by a thumb pointed in the general direction of the crew's heavy hitters, who were looming in a _nice_ and menacing fashion. "Express my displeasure. And believe me." Her captive audience squeaked as her fingernails dug into his head. " _You don't want that."_

"Hey, I'm pretty sure we don't take orders from you," Zoro pointed out, only to get a crack over his skull from Sanji, and Boss and Luffy slapping their hands/flippers over his mouth.

"What was that?" Vivi snarled, shooting a glare Zoro's way.

"Nothing! Nothing! We're good!" the two hastily reassured her.

"Alright, then," she remarked, turning back to the bounty hunter. "So. Are the terms acceptable?"

The bald man audibly gulped before answering. "Yes, Princess."

"Good. Luffy, send them back."

Luffy's version of 'sending them back' was to wrap his arms around all of them at once and bodily fling them back onto their ship. Granted, it caused a lot more damage on top of what Wyvern had already done, but honestly, I don't think any of us gave a single fuck.

We kept a cautious eye on them as we sailed off until Lassoo coughed in order to draw attention to himself. "So… what now?"

"Well…" Luffy shrugged happily. "We might have lost one Cross, but we still have the other! So, as captain, I say we get the party started again! All in favor?"

"AYE!" we chorused in eager agreement. And, aside from remaking the cake and bringing in a new table, there wasn't all that much for most of us to do, leaving time for other things.

"So," Chopper said as Sanji grumbled about having to remake the cake. "What _did_ you wish for?"

"Chopper!" Usopp admonished with a light chop to the head. "You don't ask that!"

"Yeah, everyone knows that sharing the wish means it won't come true!" Luffy chimed in.

"Ah, don't worry, guys, it's fine," I said dismissively. "After all, I know my wish is going to come true now."

" _REALLY?!"_ all three of the Dumbass Trio demanded. "What was it, then?"

"One second," I said, before flagging down Sanji. "Hey, could you get the ale out? This sort of wish needs an appropriate atmosphere."

"Crooooossss…" the Dumbass Trio whined.

"Oh, be patient, you guys, for once in your lives!" I sighed.

Soon, the mugs had been passed out and filled, and everyone was parked in a circle around a makeshift table of barrels. I glanced around, remembering the last time we had done this, and how big the crew had gotten since. Grinning, I grabbed my mug and held it up in the air.

"A toast," I announced. "To a long and happy future with the Straw Hat Pirates! For me, and for all of us! Kanpai!"

"KANPAI!" came the shout as everyone matched my toast. And with that, the party went into full swing as we sailed off into the sunset.

 **Hornet AN: This had to be dragged kicking and screaming from our muses, so enjoy. Or else.**

 **Patient AN: This really was a chore to write, yes.**

 **Xomniac AN: Believe us, we know it's not our best work, but we wanted to do** _ **something**_ **special for the Special, so this is what we came up with. So really, there's no need to beat a dead horse!**


	32. Chapter 30 - Skypiea Pt 3

**Chapter 30**

 **Cross-Brain AN: The hiatus is ended, loyal fans, and for those of you for whom the 1000th Review Special wasn't enough, we hope that this chapter, though not as long as the previous one, is adequate.**

My return to consciousness was two things above all else: slow, and _painful._

It… wasn't exactly _immediate,_ mind you. Burning pain just started to _radiate_ all over and through my body, something like a sunburn but _so_ much worse. I _tried_ to shift my limbs in an effort to gain some form of relief, but instead made the rather distressing discovery that I couldn't actually move them because of how they felt like they were stuffed with pins and needles. Ugh, I knew I should have asked Usopp to insulate my armor before we got here; there was no way I wasn't going to wear it in a danger zone like this, but metal and lightning? In retrospect, it was a painfully obvious conclusion.

I coughed up half a lungful of smoke (that could _not_ be healthy… and shouldn't I have already been smoked out awhile ago?) and slowly pushed myself up on my elbows. It took a second for me to blink away the spots in my eyes to see Conis kneeling over me, filling my field of vision.

Finally, my neurons fired and I chuckled wryly, trying to diffuse her concern. "Damn, I missed everything, didn't I?" I wheezed out. "Shame… I really wanted to see the look on Eneru's face when Luffy slugged him."

As my vision slowly stopped spinning, I was able to make out Conis' already concerned expression becoming panicked. "C-Cross, what are you—?"

 _ **KRRRZZZT!**_

That was as far as she got before a flash of light charred my retinas, _blasting_ Conis off of me. I jerked my head to the side and tried to follow her, watching in confusion as she rolled to a halt a few feet away from me, smoking like a fried steak and gasping in obvious agony. I tried to move towards her, to do… something, when something stopped me.

Namely, a very hot and very hard force pressing against my heart almost hard enough to risk burning through my shirt. And then… _that voice again_.

"Fool."

My blood ran cold as I tilted my head upwards and processed the sight in front of me. Cloth cap covering up pale blonde hair, ridiculously long earlobes with gold earrings on the end, and a face that wore a smug smirk.

I tried to make sense of what the hell was going on, I really did, but my head felt like a beehive in a rainstorm, so I was in _no_ condition to think hard on anything. All I _could_ get out was a weak "W-what? B-but how—? The sh-shock…"

"The voltage from that attack was negligible; you blacked out for only a meager second," Eneru drawled. "It would be counterproductive if you were to pass out until the Survival Game is over."

I wasn't sure I wanted to know what he meant by that. But I _did_ want to know something.

"H- _huff!"_ I coughed up another lungful of what I could only assume was freshly carbonized flesh. "How did you even find us? Soundbite's Gastro-Scramble was spread out—"

"Yaaa ha ha ha ha!" the self-proclaimed god laughed. "Are you referring to that meager buzzing noise that's been pestering my ears? An annoyance, true, but hardly a hindrance against God."

My blood ran cold again as I grimaced in realization. He'd heard _everything,_ because I was an idiot. Such a stupid, stupid, _stupid_ idiot. A Paramecia-ability, up against not just a Logia's unique abilities, but against Logia-enhanced _Haki._ How could I _ever_ think to pit any but the absolute strongest of Devil Fruit abilities against a super-charged form of _Haki_ and hope to come out on top?

But… one thing just didn't make sense. "…If you heard everything…" I gasped. "Then why did you even l-let us get this far? Why didn't you k-kill us all back on Angel Island when we started planning this? When we called you a— _GRGH!"_ I choked off with a gasp of pain when the temperature of the staff pressed to my chest spiked.

Eneru shrugged nonchalantly, as though he were unaware of the pain he was causing me. "Boredom, I suppose; with the novel development of thinking that you could circumvent my abilities, I was interested to see how it would play out. And it did prove to be very entertaining, despite the fact that I nearly lost all of my priests; your pet's commentary proved to be very good for a laugh, particularly that ghost story last night. I don't think I've laughed that hard for the last, oh… month or so? The last time was when a particularly fat crew of Blue Sea dwellers came by. Ah, seeing them all waddle to their deaths, now _that_ was fun…"

I _really_ had to fight to keep my gag reflex in check. The only thing worse than metal armor would be being _wet_ in any given capacity while wearing said armor… and covered in bile, at that.

His smirk dropped somewhat as he locked eyes with me. "But we're getting sidetracked here; I'm here because you've severely underestimated me, in every sense of the word. Since I've gone to the trouble of coming in person to show you my power, I think you owe me an apology." He withdrew the bo staff from my chest as his smirk returned, stronger than ever. "I'll forgive you for your blasphemy if you beg for your life, as is only natural."

I processed what he said, and slowly tilted my torso as far up as I could. I opened my mouth—

"That won't do you any good, girl."

And said nothing, instead glancing around to see Vivi kneeling next to a thoroughly fried Carue, staring at Eneru with a ferocious glare, one hand holding her companion's insensate head to her chest while her other… grasped that necklace of hers again? The hell…?

"The results would be quite interesting, I'll admit," Eneru mused. "But it would still make killing you a thoroughly annoying endeavor. If you will not listen to me…" The bastard jabbed his staff to my throat, causing me to choke painfully. "Then perhaps you will take into account the fact that your precious friends will undoubtedly perish in the crossfire, however brief?"

Vivi's expression absolutely _flared_ with rage, but nevertheless she wrenched her hand open and brought it to Carue's beak. Rivulets of blood trailed down from her mouth, where she was digging her teeth into her lips in an effort to force herself to stay silent. I made a mental note to ask what the hell that stuff with the necklace was about if we lived through this.

"Now, where were we? Ah, yes: the sinner was about to repent."

…But I got the distinct feeling that that the chances of that ever happening were rapidly shrinking from slim to none.

"Me, repent? For what?" I spat with as much acid as I could muster. "For believing that you're just an overconfident and delusional Logia and an amateur Haki user? You're powerful, I'm not denying that…" I winced as a shudder of agony ran through me. "But a god?" I wheezed out a shaky chuckle, my lips turning up ever so slightly. "Don't make me laugh."

Eneru's expression fell flat, and I braced myself as he raised his finger to point at me…

 _ZAP!_

" _EEAAARGH!"/"YIPE!"_

Only for him to defy my expectations when he suddenly swung his index _and_ middle fingers to the side and send off two streams of electricity out of my field of vision. I didn't see what he hit, but the stench of singed fur and the agonized screams were enough for me to draw a conclusion. That, and Conis' anguished cry alongside the lingering canine whimper in the air.

Eneru sniffed haughtily. "So many pests in my land. How is a God to focus properly? Now, where was I? Ah, yes."

 _ZAP!_

For a second, there wasn't any pain, any agony, any… Any anything, really. Then my awareness hit me over the skull like a hammer and it felt as though agony were injected into my very core. I could _hear_ my teeth creak as I locked my jaws in order to bite back a scream, but it did nothing to stop the agonized groan that crawled out of my throat.

"That was two million volts. Defy me again, and I'll move to five. Would you care to revise your opinion?"

I was only partially aware of the fact that my mouth was moving. "I'd like… to make a formal request… for you to _kiss my—!"_

 _ZAP!_

"Grrgrggghh…" I gargled out. Now _that one_ I was most definitely awake for, and holy _shit_ had I just found an all new meaning for the phrase 'feeling the burn'… though the fact that I couldn't actually feel it in my limbs was… worrying, to say the absolute least.

Eneru cocked an eyebrow at me before shaking his head with a haughty sigh. "How annoying. Even face-to-face with a god, you still deny his power? Foolish boy," he drawled.

"First of all… I'm _nineteen fucking years old_ ," I forced out through gritted teeth, feeling my gut start to flare up as I got some steam back. "And second of all… I've… I've experienced what a god is… or rather… I've experienced a higher being. But I _refuse_ … to acknowledge either you, _or_ it, as a capital-g god _._ "

"Oh?" Eneru tilted his head inquisitively… or perhaps just so that he could humor me. "And why, pray tell, is that?"

"Because that kind of god doesn't _exist,_ " I spat heatedly. "And this world and every other world like it out there in existence is my _proof._ Because this world… is _imperfect._ If there is a God out there… then I refuse to worship it because of these imperfections. Because if it allows these imperfections to exist, then it is either cruel, or not as truly omnipotent as—!"

 _ZZZZZZZT!_

This time my muscles spasmed instead of locking up, leaving me writhing on the ground like a fish out of water. I didn't notice; I was more focused on the feeling of every inch of my body being stabbed repeatedly by a red-hot poker.

"I believe I've found the flaw in your argument," Eneru smirked viciously. "You claim that I am not omnipotent? Well, I beg to differ on that point. Observe!" He wheeled around on his heel and jabbed his hand at the treeline, streams of lightning crackling over his body and ozone assaulting my nostrils again. On the plus side, it drowned out the smell of cooked pork that I'd been worrying about before. "A generous demonstration of my awesome might! _EL THOR!"_

There are no words or onomatopoeia to describe the skull-shakingly _loud_ thunderclap that came from Eneru's attack. Yet my alienistic status in this world seemed to be fading rapidly, considering that my eyes and ears could apparently take in every bit of both that and the tremendous pillar of lightning, at least as big as the one that had targeted Conis back on Angel Island, that _vaporized_ one of the massive trees nearby. And as the lightning faded, leaving only a smoking crater in the island, Eneru spoke again.

"Behold my power. Will you still deny me?" he said smugly. I spared the hole a look before looking back at Eneru, who was watching me with renewed smugness. And seeing _that_ served to banish all traces of fear from my mind.

"Like I said, I can't deny that you're powerful…" I hissed before shaking my head in denial. "But all-powerful? Not even close. Now, let _me_ share something with _you:_ the power that you can find on the Blue Seas."

I was vaguely aware that I was raising an arm and pointing at the hole. "That hole that you just punched in the ground? I can name at _least_ five people off the top of my head who could do that in their sleep. I can name three who could match them blow for blow without _any_ powers of their own. And another who can take anything those guys dish out and come back for more. And that's _just_ the top tiers."

I glared with all the defiance I could muster. "You may be powerful, but you're only anything special up here, in your little cloudy world that's just a _puddle_ compared to the _real_ world down below us. When I compare you to the strongest warriors in the sea—pirate, Marine, or World Government—you're not a god. You're not powerful, you're not impressive, you're not even _special._ All you are is _pathetic._ And if you tried going up against the monsters down there, you'd get your sorry gold-plated ass handed to you in _ten. Seconds. FLAT._ Just like every other hot-headed Logia."

 _Now_ Eneru was starting to lose his composure, a fact visible on account of how the ozone smell was ramping up again, and how trails of electricity were starting to jump through the air at random.

That, and the fact that he had his teeth grit in a clear and visible scowl.

 _ZAP!_

Aaaaaand that. It was a _bad_ thing when the smell of toast overpowered all else, right?

The downright painful pins and needles I was feeling were aggravated when Eneru grabbed me by my collar and jerked me up so that we were face to face.

"There is never, has never, and _will never_ be _anybody_ like me, you insignificant _worm,_ " he hissed.

I blinked slowly as I processed that statement, ran it through my head over and over again. Once I comprehended it, however… well, there was only one way for me to react.

"Pff…"

In the face of such a _ludicrous_ statement…

" _Pffhahahahahaaaa…"_ I chuckled out weakly, wincing at the jolt of pain that shot through me.

…how could I not laugh?

 _ZRT!_

Said laughter was then cut off by a current all but _slapping_ my body.

"What's so _funny?"_ Eneru outright snarled this time.

I gasped and wheezed as I got my breath back before finally managing to plaster a sickly grin on my face. "You think… that you're so _special…_ That you're _unique…_ well, that idea is just so _hilarious…_ especially because you actually think it's _true…"_

My grin widened a bit, hopefully to the point where it was niiiice and demented.

"Allow me… to enlighten you."

 **-o-**

" _Do you think you're the only one… who lords his powers over others? Who reigns with an iron fist… and who strikes down all who speak against him?"_

High up in Marineford, a giant of a man glared viciously at the terrified Transponder Snail before him, uncaring of the fact that the chair he was sitting in was slowly starting to smoke, or that the temperature in the room was ratcheting up a dozen degrees at a time.

The temperature alleviated slightly when an audible _ZAP!_ and a pained cry came over the connection, before resuming just as badly when Cross continued anyway.

" _N-no… there are_ hundreds _who do that, every. Single. Day. And they do it better than you… or worse, as it were…"_

While the weak grin the Snail was sporting never left its face, it was unable to keep from voiding its bowels as Admiral Akainu's seat burst aflame, and the desk it was perched upon slowly started sinking into the floor.

 **-o-**

" _Do you think that you're the only one… who takes pleasure in the suffering of others? Who throws their head back and laughs at the agonized screams they cause… as if it were all some great_ joke?"

Doflamingo's already wide smile widened even further as Cross got zapped for the world to hear, and it widened even more than _that_ when he just kept. On. _Talking._

" _Like… hell… There are thousands… who torture and cause harm… and who enjoy it… and most… don't even_ know _that they like it…_

 **-o-**

" _Do you think… that you're the only one… who thinks they're_ invincible? _Who thinks so highly of themselves… that they think they're unbeatable… untouchable… so far above everyone else that they're just_ ants?"

Crocodile grinned a bitter grin as he leaned against his cell wall, savoring how the loud-mouthed _bastard's_ screams of agony mingled with the chorus of the damned that had started rising up throughout the prison whenever his broadcast started.

" _That's… hilarious… but no. There are… more people like that… in the world… than I can count… There are so many… just_ so many…"

At that moment, all Crocodile truly wanted for was a lit cigar. If he'd had one, then the moment would have been absolutely _perfect._

 **-o-**

"Men like you… you always think you're one-of-a-kind…" I grit out before shaking my head. "But that's not true. You're one-of-a- _million._ Perfectly uniform… So many of you that you're choking the _world,_ one evil act at a time…" I smiled grimly. "If you want unique… then you need to look at the other end of the spectrum."

 _ZOT!_

"Grgh!" I flinched miserably before scowling at the bastard. "You need to get a new schtick, jackass, because that's starting to just _tickle."_

"And who would you claim to be unique, hm?" Eneru sneered contemptuously, all smugness completely gone by now. Apparently I'd gone from being a worm to little more than primordial ooze. " _You?"_

"PFHA!" I barked out weakly. "As if! No, no, I'm worse than unique… I'm _normal._ I'm no more unique than _you._ How's that for a kick—!"

 _THWACK!_

"AGH!" I wheezed as I rolled along the ground. Alright, punting me just as I was saying that… I guess that maybe the staticky bastard wasn't as stupid as I thought.

Once I got my breath back in my lungs, though, I kept going.

"I'm as normal as it comes…" I said, not caring how weak my voice was. "Inside and out, just your everyday guy. People like me… people who can't stand bullies… people who won't let anyone push them around no matter what…" I took a second to gather my breath before pushing myself up even _a little_ so that I could glare at the bastard. "People… who won't let bastards like you get away with shit like this… who won't hold their tongues, over shit like _this…_ even if it means they get the crap kicked out of them… even if it could _kill them…_ " I shook my head. "There's less of us than you, sure… but I'm not unique. I'm the _norm."_

"Then who?" Eneru growled. "If not you or I, then _who_ do you deem to be unique?"

I smiled through the pain. "There's a little-known saying on the Blue Seas, passed down from generation to generation for centuries: 'D. will bring forth a storm.' The D.s bring change, they bring upheaval and renewal… and above all, they are the enemy of the gods, whether they know it or not. And of the D.s alive in this current generation?" I chuckled weakly. "I'd have to say that Monkey D. Luffy is the best example there is."

Eneru scoffed incredulously, angling himself away from me. "The ignoramus you so foolishly follow? I will grant you that he is unique in _one_ sense, and that his strength is above norm, but that is all."

I bit out a sharp _tsk_ as I glared daggers at the bastard. "Strong enough to kick _your_ ass…"

 _THWACK!_

" _HURF!"_ I doubled over as Eneru punted my stomach. It was a good thing the organ was bone dry, or else I'd have heaved up a goodly amount of bile then and there. I managed to choke out another chuckle.

"Heh… keep on hitting me if you want, but there are two things that are going to happen no matter what you do: you're going to fight my captain. And you're going to _lose_."

Eneru's already dark expression became steadily worse as he lashed out with his staff, sending me tumbling across the ground again. And as he approached me, his expression was as darkened as a midsummer Midwest thunderstorm. "Beaten, shocked, and faced directly with my power, and still you defy me. I must admit that you've earned a bit of my respect, if only for your stubbornness; nobody before you has ever shown such nerve. For that, I grant you one final chance. Repent now… or perish."

I gathered up every lingering ounce of strength that I had left to stand, and I actually _did_ thank Zoro mentally as I stumbled over to Eneru. And when I stood directly in front of him, I forced every bit of saliva I had left into my dried mouth… and spat in his face.

Naturally, it passed right through him.

"I see," Eneru said placidly. "Then you will not repent?"

"Burn in _hell,_ " was my reply.

"Very well, then."

His palm lashed out, shoving me back to the ground, and this time, I didn't have the strength to get back up.

" _Die."_

He held his hand above my eyes, lightning slowly gathering in his palm.

"One million. Five million. Ten million. Twenty million. Fifty million. _One Hundred Million."_

I wish I could say I faced him head-on, with courage and pride. I wish I could say I wasn't scared, that my brashness held out all the way through. I wish I could say that I _smiled…_ but once again, I just wasn't a D. I didn't have it in me. The best I could manage was a grimace. And even as he said it, I clenched my eyes shut and looked away.

" _One Hundred Million Volt VARI."_

 **-o-**

It would be wrong to say that silence reigned in the storeroom of the Marine battleship. After all, that would require everyone present to say nothing. As it stood, Ensign Tashigi was _not_ silent, consistently and fervently muttering denials from beneath the hands she'd clasped over her mouth.

The two other humans and the human who was present by proxy, however, were as silent as the grave as they listened to the dead air that had followed the final zap. After a minute, Eneru's voice filtered through again.

" _Inconceivable…"_ the megalomaniac's voice filtered through in a low growl. " _How could you possibly have survived that?!"_

" _Oh-thank-God!"_ Tashigi whooshed out in relief, a sentiment everyone else present, even Captain T-Bone, shared as they relaxed.

"One hundred million volts on top of all of those other injuries, and he _survived?"_ T-Bone breathed in equal parts shock and horror.

"… _Ah, so_ that's _it,"_ Eneru chuckled grimly, as if in response. " _How valiant of you, young lady."_

A thick _THWACK_ came over the connection, followed by a grunt of feminine pain.

" _You managed to grab him and siphon off part of the voltage. Any other day, I might have been impressed…"_ A slight crackling noise filled the air. " _But today, I find my patience for disrespect to be at an end. I've endured your sacrilege up until now, but now I think it high time you were punished. As your God, I sentence you to—!"_

" _ENOUGH!"_

All present in the room suddenly found themselves on edge, particularly Smoker and Tashigi, as another feminine voice came through, accompanied by the sound of whirling metal.

" _LEAVE. US._ ALONE," Princess Nefertari Vivi's voice snarled.

There was a tense silence, aside from the crackling and whirling. Then, the crackling died down.

"… _Tsk. It would appear that the Survival Game requires some more… balancing. You may consider yourself fortunate, but really, I fail to see the point in such folly. After all, soon this land will cease to be. Why should God sully the soles of his shoes with the innards of some insignificant insects? Enjoy what little time you have left."_

A zapping sound, followed by the whirling metal abruptly ceasing, some scrambling as someone ran through grass, and finally… Vivi screaming. " _SOUNDBITE! CALL CHOPPER! CALL-CALL LUFFY, CALL ZORO, CALL NAMI, CALL_ SOMEONE!"

" _I-Is he—?"_ Conis asked weakly.

" _HE-HE'S_ **alive,"** Soundbite offered hesitantly, apparently still scared to talk. " **BUT HIS HEARTBEAT** _ **is way out of whack.**_ Chopper's _**at the**_ BASE OF _GIANT JACK._ LET'S GET GOING!"

" _Right. Alright, here, give me—what the—!?"_

There was some more rustling, followed by some pained wheezing.

" _Giff him ta' me… Aw'll cawwy him…"_

" _Carue! You're—!"_

" _Deepfwied but awive. Now, huwwy up! I can cawwy him and the othahs bettah than any of you, and we don't haf time ta awgue!"_

" _Carue… alright, fine. Help me get Lassoo and Su on him, now! We have to hurry!"_

"Damn impressive for a duck…" Smoker whistled in awe.

" _Impressive for any living being, period,"_ Hina agreed.

Apart from rushed footsteps and rushed revival attempts on Soundbite's broadcast, there was silence on both ends for the next few minutes, until the zombie-like Marine captain let out a miserable sigh, and sunk to his knees. Smoker, Tashigi, and Hina's snail all looked at him, to see tears dripping down his face.

"I claim… to stand by straightness, hating crookedness, and yet, a _pirate_ has shown more strength than I," he lamented solemnly. "Rather than conform for survival… he would remain true to his beliefs, even as he stared death in the face…" The captain shook his head miserably. "Oh, my brothers… how I have _shamed_ you…"

After a minute more, he slowly looked back up at the other three. "…Tell me. Why did you call me here?"

Tashigi glanced at Smoker, and at his nod, she replied. "The Straw Hat Pirates singlehandedly broke our faith in the Marine Corps through the events in Alabasta," she stated sadly. "We've seen the corruption in the Corps, how they've mutilated Justice into something _unspeakable_. The three of us and our soldiers have formed an organization tentatively named MI3, for Marine Integrity, with we three as the leaders. Our goal is to restore the Marine Corps to what it once… or at least, what we once _thought_ it once was, by destroying the World Government from the ground up."

"We called you here, Captain T-Bone," Smoker continued, walking over to the Captain. "Because we three and our informant, Jeremiah Cross himself, believe you to be a decent Marine. We want your help in our goals. We want you to join us as a leader."

Commodore Smoker extended his hand again, and T-Bone slowly rose to his feet, regarding the three of them. Then, with a look of firm determination on his face, he grasped Smoker's hand with his own. "Then let your soldiers be made aware that the organization shall now be known as MI4."

Relief swept through the rest of the separatists, until T-Bone held up his hand to waylay any words.

"However," he stated firmly. "I have a condition, singular. One which is non-negotiable."

Tashigi swallowed heavily, while Smoker exchanged glances with Hina's snail. "And that condition would be?" he asked gruffly.

The present occupants of the room tensed fearfully as T-Bone drew his blade from his side, though thankfully all he did was gaze at its flat. "This blade was passed down through the 13th Royal Marine Flotilla for generations, from Rear Admiral to Rear Admiral. It was a symbol of our pride and our upright belief in the law… and now that I am the sole survivor of our honorable Flotilla, it falls to me."

The captain's grip on the blade tightened as rage flared across his face. "Twelve years ago, when we planned to make our stand, word of our defiance did not reach Sakazuki's ears by chance. We were betrayed by one of our own, one who used the burning corpses of our brothers— _my brothers!—_ as a stepladder, solely so that he might rise higher in the ranks of a vile and corrupt system!"

T-Bone swung the blade out in a swift jab. "Sakazuki will have his day in court, this I know to be all but guaranteed, but when the time comes, I ask that it be _I_ who deals with the vile blaggard who murdered my brothers. By this blade shall his head be removed, and the brave souls of the 13th finally laid to rest!"

"… _Hina agrees,_ " came the snail's voice after a moment of contemplation, and Smoker and Tashigi nodded their consent.

"Very well, then," T-Bone nodded solemnly. He then swung his blade around, so that the tip was pointed at the floorboards before ramming it in, and kneeling before the weapon. "Then today, I finally make the vow I have kept silent for all these years. I state a fact, and make a promise long overdue. Today, I swear, on my honor, by this blade and by the blood of my brothers, I will see Vice-Admiral Vergo brought to justice for his crimes!"

Silence greeted the proclamation, prompting T-Bone to glance nervously at the other Marines. "…Is something the matter?"

"…yeah," Smoker finally breathed, slowly turning his head to stare at the thoroughly shell-shocked snail behind. "The importance of Cross's survival has just increased dramatically."

 **-o-**

"Well, it looks like my vitamins are as successful as I expected. Before he came here, a single jolt like that would have killed him. Now he's potentially going to recover from taking a hundred million volts to his body, even if it was split in some manner," Kureha reflected in a would-be nonchalant tone, were it not for the fact that she was spinning a syringe between her fingers in a way that anyone who knew her would know indicated worry. "It looks like Chopper's going to be put to a real test now."

One might have thought Kureha were talking to herself, and she may as well have been, given the fact that the only other being in the room was her new assistant, a human-sized and muscular looking bipedal rabbit with an impressive scar over one eye, who waited in a corner of the room with an impassive look on its face. A younger lapahn was perched on the adult's shoulder, looking with curiosity at the interaction between their boss and the snail.

" _Oh, thank goodness, we're finally here. CHOPPER!"_

"Yes, did someone request me? Oh, my, you seem to have gathered some nasty injuries!"

Kureha's eyebrows rose; that _sounded_ like Chopper, but… there was something _off_ about him. It took a moment for her to realize how, but when she did, her eyes widened; he sounded just like _her._ How did _THAT_ happen?!

Apparently the Straw Hats agreed, if Soundbite's frustrated " **Oh, no…"** was anything to go by.

"Let's see, what do we have here? Excessive second degree burns on Conis, along with several third degree burns. Carue _seems_ to have second degree burns on most of his body, if the fact that he smells so delicious is anything to go by…"

" _WHAT!?"_

" _Ergh, we don't have—! Ugh, and hitting him is too risky right now, he's holding too much of that Cherry Blossom Blast."_

"Ooh, now that I look at it, you two seem well-cooked, too. Soundbite, can you connect to Sanji and ask him if he has any good recipes for fox, duck, and dog? It would give me a good excuse to **examine the differences between normal members of their species. Oh, the possibilities of SCIENCE!"**

" _KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME!"_ the cloud fox yelped, while Lassoo settled for whimpering nervously..

"What in the blue hell have they done to my son?" Kureha wondered aloud, gaping at the snail in front of her. She couldn't even bring herself to feel angry through the sheer shock of what she was hearing… maybe she had rubbed off on him more than she thought…

" **Ah, but investigating the differences would be most interesting with C… C-c-c… Crooo** _ **sssrrgghHHH**_ _G-GRGHAH!"_

There was a sound of vials dropping onto a soft surface, followed by the unmistakable sound of keratin hammering against flesh and fur. Silence for a few seconds…

"CROSS! HURRY, SOMEBODY GET A—!

" **NOT THE TIME!"** Soundbite roared.

" _R-RIGHT! CONIS, CARUE, LAY HIM DOWN FLAT! VIVI, LET ME BORROW THE LION CUTTERS, I NEED TO GET HIS ARMOR OFF!"_

There was a wet and terribly familiar gurgle from over the line. It was something she had seen only once before, from a man who'd been terribly burned by fire.

"His lungs…" she breathed.

" _DAMMIT! FORGET THE CUTTERS, GO AND GET MY BAG! I NEED TO STABILIZE HIS INTERNAL ORGANS BEFORE THEY ALL FAIL ON ME!"_ There was the brief sound of a scramble as someone ran somewhere and tossed something at Chopper, followed by the rustle of what she assumed was medical equipment.

"Spinal column, heart, lungs…" Kureha recited to herself.

" _The skull should have insulated his brain, the primaries should be the spinal column, heart and lungs…"_ Chopper mused to himself.

Kureha was just starting to smirk and nod to herself when her old student spoke again.

" _Was he burned anywhere specific or was it layered all over?"_

" _Uh…"_ Conis hesitated slightly as she thought before answering. " _E-Eneru primarily focused on his torso. The worst of it hit his stomach I think?"_

" _Then in that case, I'll need to check his stomach, intestines, kidneys… ergh, I'll have to check_ all _of the abdominopelvic cavity just to be sure…"_

Kureha blinked in shock before slapping her hand to her face. "Prioritize the area of impact, of _course_. How could I have missed that?"

Her new assistant grunted and shrugged slightly, though to her ear she could discern some measure of sympathy in his voice.

Meanwhile, the Snail she was listening to muttered and fussed endlessly for a moment before freezing with a stricken and then determined expression. "… _alright. Alright, listen closely: the damage to Cross is too extensive for me to reliably handle on my own. If I want to treat him effectively, then… then the only option is for me to amp my intelligence again."_

" _Y-you mean you need to make yourself all crazy again!?"_ Su sputtered incredulously.

" _If I want to be able to triage Cross's wounds at an effective rate?_ Yes. _I know it's going to be dangerous, but it's the only chance he has at this point. Unless anyone else has any better ideas…?"_

Silence.

" _That's what I was afraid of. Alright, everyone step back. Going in in three… two…"_ A moment of silence, and then… " **Beginning the operation!"**

"…So, he found a way to increase his intelligence at will, but morals are compromised at the same time," Kureha muttered. "But even outside of that state, he's still exceptional… better than me." The doctor-called-witch smiled, and laughed. "Kak kak kak kak! Or maybe my age is finally starting to get to me. I suppose it had to happen sooner or later."

 **-o-**

In a candlelit room on a pirate ship somewhere in Paradise, a blonde-haired, stoic man shuffled a pack of cards, staring at the snail before him as he processed the unmistakable sounds of a surgery. It was rather clear to him that in all of the excitement, they had completely forgotten that they were still broadcasting, and that everyone in the world was now hearing the sound of Jeremiah Cross' innards being operated upon. It didn't bother him all that much; in fact, it was why he was shuffling his cards. But he couldn't very well imagine that many listeners would sleep easily tonight.

Ending his shuffling, he laid five cards down in a basic spread; it would be adequate for this reading. He then began to turn them over.

"The past… hmm?" He raised an eyebrow at the sight of the Tower. "The card of disaster represents the past? Interesting, though considering the events they have reportedly been involved in, not surprising. What of the present?" He flipped over the next card…

"Well, now."

The Six of Swords. A regretful but necessary transition. Some might call it a hopeful sign… those some would only consider Cross, rather than considering how it could apply to the Strawhats as a whole.

"The future…" The inverted Hierophant; a challenge to the status quo, breaking away from conformity. Quite obvious, of course, though men could just as easily lead revolutions in death as they could in life.

"The cause…" Judgment, also inverted; for all that Eneru claimed to be a god, the fact that the card's position represented self-doubt showed that Cross' words had shaken him.

"And… the outcome." He revealed the final card, and as the sound of surgery on the other end of the snail began to slow to a halt, he stared impassively at the result.

Death.

Hawkins observed the painted Reaper's grim smile for a moment before laying the card down with a sigh.

"How cliché…"

 **-o-**

" _Why_ did you leave the transceiver running through _that?_ " groused a frustrated and thoroughly-green-looking Paulie. "Seriously, not everyone in the world is a doctor as crazy as yours!"

"They can't hear you, you know," chirped Hattori, the man whose shoulder he was perched on looking only slightly ill-at-ease, while the pigeon seemed somewhat dizzy.

"That _was_ a rather… graphic display," Iceburg muttered, glancing out the door at the rest of Water 7. "Perhaps I should try finding out if he _is_ able to be sued—"

"Unlikely," Kalifa promptly replied. "Until now, there have been few ways to create anything close to a worldwide broadcast, all of which are under Marine and World Government control and all of which require significant Transponder power. As the devices have been created by the World Government and utilized only in extremely special cases, along the magnitude of Gol D. Roger's execution—though, of course, the technology was not quite that advanced at the time, so that _wasn't_ broadcasted—the World Government has never deemed it necessary to form regulations."

She adjusted her glasses thoughtfully before speaking again. "And apart from that, even if they _had_ laws about it, in case you haven't noticed, it's doubtful that Jeremiah Cross would adhere to them."

Iceburg raised his eyebrows at the secretary's dryness. "In case I haven't noticed? I'm surprised, Kalifa, it's not often that you show any amount of unprofessionalism."

The secretary gave her boss a flat look. "My apologies, Mayor Iceburg, I'm a bit off my game from the fact that I just heard a round of electroshock torture followed by live surgery."

"She has a point, Iceburg; do you see anyone in here _not_ ill at ease after that?" Lulu asked, pushing a wayward strand of his nose-hair back into his nostril, only to wince as his armpit hair suddenly jabbed into his arm.

"And considering just how rough the yard is on a day-to-day basis with all the pirates and Marines we get, that's really saying something!" Tilestone said… well, 'rumbled', really, but that was the lowest his voice could lower to.

" **Alrigh** _ **grrgghgghhh**_ _ggghhh…"_ Chopper suddenly ground out before panting wearily. " _Huff… huff… I'm getting too used to that… a-alright, his organs are stable now, but we need to move to his limbs; at this point, it's not going to be possible to avoid scarring, but maybe if I—"_

" _Um, guys?"_ Vivi cut in hesitantly. " _I realize this might be a bad time, but did… did Cross ever hang up the SBS?"_

The silence was _incredible._

"… _shit,"_ Lassoo summarized firmly.

"Finally, _someone_ notices," Kaku breathed in relief.

" _Wait, you mean the whole_ wowld's _been wistening to this nightmawe!?"_ Carue asked in disbelief.

" _What the hell, slimeball!?"_ Su demanded.

" _ **I'm sorry, I was too busy**_ **with the fact that** _MY BEST FRIEND WAS_ _ **GETTING TORTURED AND**_ **ALMOST DIED!"**

" _Might still die if you don't all_ shut up and let me work in peace! AND NO, I'M NOT AMPING AGAIN!" Chopper roared. " _Give me that!"_

There was a loud click, and then the Transponder Snail sagged and started wheezing miserably, its throat no doubt sore from the acoustic horrors it had been all but forced to share.

"…Kalifa, could you go and find out what's the best treatment for a Transponder Snail having a sore throat? And then start handing it out across town?"

"Right away, sir."

 **-o-**

My return to consciousness was two things above all else: slow… and _painful._ Wait… did I already say that? Ergh, so hard to _think._ Everything was just so… fuzzyyyaaaARGH! BURNS, BURNS! NOT FUZZY, NOT FUZZ—Ah, no, wait, wait, this was soft, this was soft, ahhh…

Now this felt nice, _really_ nice, like feathers… goose or seagull or… duck? Wait a second…

"Carue…?" I moaned blearily.

"Oh, good, you're awake."

I tried to turn my head and open my eyes, only for said body parts to lodge a protest in the form of a pair of car bombs of pain.

… Goddamn, this was bad, I don't usually get this flowery.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," a brown blob jerking next to me I think was Chopper said. "Eneru did a lot of damage; you almost died, and you're not completely out of danger yet."

"Aaargh…" I craned my neck back and forth as much as I could, ignoring the needles of pain that flared in my neck. "Wha—? Where are we?"

"We're heading towards the coast," said someone sitting behind me on the supersonic duck… Conis, I think? Yeah, had to be, that was a blonde head of hair, and Sanji's silhouette did _not_ look like that. Well, not without Ivankov's involvement, anyway. Didn't Oda do a bit with tha-a-a… _wow,_ was I out of it. "We're getting you back to the Merry, so that Chopper can work on you further."

I blinked slowly, fighting through the pain in an effort to get my eyes working again. "We…? Who's…?"

"Conis, Chopper, Vivi, the duck, the snail and me!" a white blur perched on Conis' shoulders provided.

Wait… I scrunched my face up as I tried to get my ducks in a row. Screwed as my head was, that number of names didn't add-up. "Wait, what… what about… Lassoo?"

" **Goat soldiers started** _converging on the BEANSTALK!"_ Soundbite provided. " **HE STAYED TO** _ **kick ass, take names**_ AND COVER OUR TRACKS."

"…On his own?"

" _I called_ MIKEY AND LEO **for backup."**

"Hey, I think I can see da' coast!" Carue suddenly squawked.

"Oh, that's goo…goo…" I started to say before trailing off listlessly. Freaking hell, since when did my tongue feel like it was… made of lead… ergh, my head… "Grrgh… guh…"

"Cross? _Croooss…?"_

Whose voice was that? I could barely hear anything… it was like I was… underwater or something…

Time passed… weirdly for me. I… I'm pretty sure that I was carried onto a rocking frame that had to be the Merry. There was a lot of motion, a lot of talking… some yelling too, maybe, couldn't really make out who was saying what though. I might have felt some tugging on my arms… it was hard to tell though, for some reason all feeling stopped past my shoulders… same with my legs actually…

Eh. Probably not important. Despite the lack feeling in my limbs, or maybe because of it, I slowly found myself starting to relax. The ocean swell, the gentle breeze, the sound of my crewmates rushing around… it was soothing, really.

And then, all at once, the world became white and shook and _roared_ and… well, that must have been too much for my brain, because the next thing I knew, everything was black.

 **-o-**

' _Oh, hey, that cloud looks like Luffy's stupid face…'_ was my first thought when I opened my eyes again.

My second was a hazy reiteration of my thoughts the last time I woke up: lying on a surface as soft as down. I must have been getting better, if only a bit, because I managed to make the connection that I was lying on Carue again. A mobile Carue. Alone… wait, what?

"Hhhnnngh…?" I tried to shift around on the duck's back, only to be stopped by a familiar hoof.

"Cross! Are you awake again?" Chopper asked desperately.

"Ergh, barely…" I moaned, slowly bringing the back of my bandaged hand to my forehead. The fact that the motion didn't send a cascade of agony through me was a marked improvement. "W-Where—?"

Suddenly, a ripple of thunder swept through the air, causing me to shudder fearfully. Damn it, going from not fearing thunder and lightning since I was ten to full-blown astraphobia? Fan-freaking-tastic. I'd probably even have to ask Chopper to help me with it, otherwise Soundbite would have a field… day…

"Soundbite?"

" _I'm here!"_ he piped up from my back.

"He wouldn't wet us not take him and da twansceivah with us," Carue explained.

"Wha—?" I shivered as a latent wave of pain swept over me. "What's going on? Where...?"

"Eneru started raining lightning down around the island." Chopper sent a nervous glance up at the sky. "W-We were afraid that we'd get hit, and you were having a bad reaction to the thunder, so Nami told Carue and I to head for that giant beanstalk… Giant Jack, I think. Aisa said it's where everyone's starting to gather, and Nami said it looked like the lightning was avoiding hitting near it. We're almost there now."

I processed that for a bit before closing my eyes as I fought to recall the details of what was going to happen next. Eneru's survival game hadn't ended yet, otherwise there'd have been some mention of the Ark Maxim and… Deathpiea, he called it. At the same time, though… wait, what was it that made Nami wind up with Eneru in the first place?

…I was very glad that I didn't say that out loud, both because Eneru would have heard me and, worse, Soundbite would have heard me. What was it, what was it… damn this arc for being so stupidly complex… alright, let's see, she got there on the Waver, she wound up in Shandora at the same time as the others because… she got out of Nola. And how did she get in Nola again? It was with Gan Fall, I remember that… sometime during the Ordeal of Iron, they got eaten. But what sent her _there_? How did she wind up on Ohm's battlefield? She left the Merry with Aisa at some point, leaving Conis and Pagaya to guard it… but Conis was already there… I needed more details.

"What else have I missed?" I asked hoarsely.

"Well…" Chopper flinched sadly. "While we were all going through the jungle, Eneru appeared on the Merry and flash-fried Usopp and Sanji. They're nowhere near as bad off as you, but they're still unconscious, so…"

I scowled darkly. Damn that bastard Eneru, spreading suffering and misery everywhere he-

…oh shit.

"Soundbite…" I grit out as fast as I could manage. "C-Connect me to the Merry, qui—!"

"Guys, we'we at dah beanstawk!" Carue suddenly squawked.

I'd just raised my head to catch sight of the expanse of island clouds that covered the lower ruins of Shandora and surrounded the base of Giant Jack when I felt Soundbite tense up.

"WAIT A— **OH, SHIT!** _ **RUN!"**_

Unfortunately, before Carue could react appropriately, a voice I'd dearly hoped I'd never hear again roared out.

" _SANGO!"_

I grimaced as the island clouds started to light up. "Oh, this is going to _su—!"_

 _KEE-RACK!_

I was becoming _way_ too used to tumbling into the void…

 **-o-**

"—up… —et up… I said… WAKE UP, MONGREL!"

 _THWACK!_

"Hoorf!" I grunted as something hit me in the stomach and knocked all the air out of my lungs. "Motherfuck that hurt! I'm gonna… kill…"

I trailed off as I looked up at Eneru towering over me. It especially didn't help that a thoroughly fried Chopper and Carue were lying on the ground behind him, smoking like briquettes.

"Let me rephrase that?" I whimpered.

" **NOW you watch** _ **what you**_ _say…"_ Soundbite swallowed from where he was cowering on my shoulder.

"Even now your insolent tongue wags," Eneru tsked, before turning to speak to someone I couldn't see. "It seems you are correct; he is in need of more… persuasion."

I tried to turn my head to see who he was referring to—

 _THWACK!_

Only for a rod of gold to ram into my vision and end my brief period of consciousness.

 **-o-**

If the fact that I woke up without half as much haziness as the last time was any indication, I was definitely getting better, and quickly. Unfortunately, I couldn't exactly feel happy about that, considering what I felt when I woke up: a solid surface, covered by a thin piece of softness. Opening my eyes, I saw that it was a red carpet… surrounded by wood and giant gears and a giant golden face oh _crap._

"What the fu— _MMPH!?"_ My confused musings were silenced by a hand slapping over my mouth.

"Shut up if you wanna live!" Nami hissed desperately. "I had to act— _ah, put my reputation on the line_ to convince our _great and merciful lord_ to spare your life so you could see just how wrong you were about his powers. Don't make me regret it!"

The only thing that made me actually listen to her urgings was the fact that the look on her face clearly showed that she hated what she was saying… and that she was terrified out of her literally goddamned mind.

"Yes," drawled the voice of pure evil. "As it seems that you need a more thorough demonstration of what makes me a god, I intend to give one. You will bear witness as I return everything to its place. And perhaps if you repent before the end of it, I will even permit you to accompany me to Fairy Vearth."

I fought to keep my tongue in check, and then I let a menacing smirk come over my face as I remembered what was going to happen. "In that case, do you have any Vision Dials? Assuming I live through this, I'd like to keep a… _permanent_ reminder of just how wrong I was."

I couldn't keep the snark completely out of my voice, but thankfully Eneru was too busy coasting on his apparent victory to care and/or notice, as shown by how he waved his hand dismissively. "The one you acquired from the heretic and her father is still in your bag. Acolyte, help him."

Nami smiled tightly. "At once, _your holiness."_ She hastily looped my arm around her shoulders and helped me up to my feet before dragging me away, hissing in my ear as she did so. "You're not serious, are you? We're in the middle of a potential genocide, and you're concerned with _taking pictures?!"_

"Oh, trust me, Nami," I snickered malevolently, glancing back at Eneru. "You're going to _want_ this moment to be immortalized. It's not every day you get a look at something so priceless."

"Oh?" _That_ drew Eneru's attention. "So, you're admitting that the alleged monsters you know of on the Blue Sea, for all of their power, are incapable of this scale of destruction?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but came to think better of it due to the snail teeth sinking into my neck. And besides, he _did_ have something of a point; nobody else that I knew of in the history of One Piece had singlehandedly destroyed an island down to the last bit of soil… or at least, not without using Pluton, presumably, and to be fair, said island was made of cloud, rather than earth. Whatever, there was enough truth to throw up some convincing bullshit. "Well, I've heard legends of it, I won't deny that, but not anything that's happened in the last… what was it? 700 years, I think."

Eneru stared for a few moments before smirking. "Then let this be the confirmation for you that there is _nobody_ like me. You shall bear witness to the proof of my abilities as a god."

"I'm looking forward to it," I said honestly, prompting him to turn away. Nami looked to be restraining herself from hitting me, practically quivering with the effort required, and I smirked maliciously at her. "Hey, Nami, did you ever pass on my request to Usopp to upgrade my armor with rubber sleeves? It would have come in handy earlier."

She blinked in complete confusion at the non-sequitur. Then her eyes widened massively, and she returned my smirk with just as much malice. "No, Cross, I don't think I ever did. But it doesn't matter much right now, does it?"

"Yeah, you have a point. We should focus on the matter at hand: getting to a good place to take pictures. It should be a good show with how confident Eneru is about all of this."

"Absolutely," Nami said fervently, helping me over to the port side of the boat. I fished out the Vision Dial and snapped one picture of Eneru in his current 'glory,' but besides that, I just waited for what was inevitably coming up soon. And luckily, we didn't have to wait long.

"HEY! ARE YOU ENERU!?"

I smiled eagerly at the furious roar that ripped through the massive cavern. "Here we go…"

Now, granted, my head was still swimming a bit, so I missed a good chunk of Eneru and Luffy's back-and-forth, and the stupidly massive blasts of pure plasma Eneru threw at Luffy certainly didn't help matters either…

But I couldn't miss Luffy landed on the railing of the Ark, and stared at me in shock. "Cross…" he breathed numbly, before snapping an enraged look at the 'God' onboard. " _You're dead."_

Eneru's response was to zap up to our captain and go for a point-blank Vari… which he promptly ignored in favor of taking a swing at Eneru, which he only just barely managed to dodge.

You would think that reality and the utter gravity of the situation would detract from the hilarity of Eneru's face at the blatant slap in his apparent godliness.

You would be wrong. So, so, _so_ wrong.

" _HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_ Nami and Soundbite cackled eagerly, laughing their asses off at the _stupidly_ hilarious face the arrogant _jackass_ was making.

My one regret at that moment was how hard I was laughing… because it made it _so goddamn hard_ to take non-shaky pictures of the absolutely _glorious_ wild take that Eneru had performed. Thankfully, I managed to calm myself down eventually just in time to snap an even _better_ picture: that of Luffy _slamming_ his foot dead center in the bastard's stomach, causing him to not only adopt an even _more_ hilarious face, but to spit up a most cathartic amount of blood to boot.

Sadly, the hilarity drained out of the situation rather fast when Eneru got his breath back and sent a vicious glare at us. "What are you laughing at, _heathens?_ " he snarled, raising a crackling hand at us.

"Erk!" I gagged before shoving Nami towards the railing. "Well, we've obviously outstayed our welcome. Luffy, we'll leave it to you, see you at the victory party!"

The good news was that I managed to muster enough force to shove Nami with me over the edge, just in time for a bolt of electricity to soar over our heads. The bad news, however, is that we were, well, kinda falling to our deaths. The even better news, however, was that I had yet to remove the contingency plan for dealing with Satori.

"Please work, please work, please work…" I hissed as I fumbled at my hip and yanked a rip cord.

" **AAaaaAAAaaaAA!"** Soundbite hollered as a grappling hook fired out from my waist and managed to catch onto the Ark.

Good news, we managed to stay aloft. Bad news, that trick, plus Nami hanging from my neck, was absolute murder on my wounds.

"Grgh," I flailed my arm in panic as the crew's second mate practically strangled me. "Have you ever considered losing weight? Just a bit from the chest, maybe?!"

"HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED DOING SOMETHING _NOT_ COMPLETELY BRAINDEAD INSANE!?" Nami shrieked in my ear.

"Would you prefer _not_ being the only person on the crew who hasn't been zapped?" I shot back. "And besides, it's not like we don't have a way out waiting in the wings."

"What are you—?"

"HEY!"

We both looked up (or was it down? I was kind of hanging upside down, so it was really hard to tell) at Aisa, who was sitting above (or below) us on Pierre's hybrid-form back.

"Unless you want to go for a ride with that maniac, _get on already!"_ the young oracle frantically demanded.

"Right, on it," I agreed as I yanked a latch on the belt I'd demanded Usopp incorporate, causing it to release the rope and drop me and Nami on Pierre's back.

Aisa rammed her heels into the horse-bird's (like hell I was calling him a pegasus!) sides. "Go, go, go!"

"You do realize you could just ask nicely, right!?" Pierre snorted before glaring at Soundbite. "AND CHANGE MY VOICE, DAMN IT!"

" _ **NEVER!"**_

" _JUST GO ALREADY!"_ Nami shrieked.

"R-Right!" Pierre squawked in a panic as he flapped his wings, soaring down towards the exits.

Aisa blinked in confusion as we went. "What the—? Hey, there are some weaker voices coming this way! It sounds like your sniper and cook friends are trying to board…" She blinked in confusion as she apparently double-checked what she was sensing. "Riding birds!?"

"Huh!?" I tried to make sense of that before grinning victoriously. I _knew_ writing those notes was a good idea! "Soundbite, once they're in range, tell them that Luffy's fighting Eneru on the deck alone, so they should avoid that…" I winced as I realized a flaw in my plan. "Though… Sanji should do his best to get Nami's Waver ASAP."

"Wha—!? Dumbass!" Nami growled as she slapped her forehead.

"Anyways," I rolled my eyes as I ignored her. "Tell them that once they get the Waver, they should see about stripping the Ark of as many Dials as they can before getting out of there before Eneru can blast them, alright?"

" **Ghetto-strip THE ARK,** _got it!"_ Soundbite nodded.

"Hey, we're hitting the tunnel out!" Pierre warned us. "Watch your heads!"

The new good news as we flapped out of the cave where the Maxim was hidden was that we were now on the fast track out of immediate danger…

 _THWACK!_

The new bad news… was stalactites. Stupid, _stupid_ concussion-inducing stalactites.

 **-o-**

My return to consciousness was, once again, painful. Thankfully, however, this time the pain was centered around my head rather than anywhere else… wow, I was having a _really_ bad day if _that_ was my idea of a bright side.

"Ergh..." I leaned up and rubbed my head miserably. A quick glance around showed that I was with the rest of the crew near the base of Giant Jack. "When are we now?"

"STARING DOWN A _**raging black ball of DEATH!"**_ Soundbite provided fearfully.

"Say whaaaa _OHSHIT!"_ I hissed fearfully as I followed his gaze skywards.

Have you ever seen truly evil-looking weather before? I'm sure you have, at one time or another. Stormfronts that eat up the horizon, clouds so dark they merge almost seamlessly with the sky…

None of them compared to the sight of Eneru's Raigo. Some part of my mind made the connection that if he was trying to destroy Upper Yard, Angel Island was already gone. But I didn't have enough mental capacity to spare towards feeling guilty about that considering just how close I was to getting a shock that there was no way I'd be able to live through, and my newly acquired fear of thunderstorms… or at least, _lightning,_ wasn't helping.

Cr… _Crack…CRACKLE…_

I stared in confusion as the ball of cloud and death that was filling the heavens froze and started vibrating before sighing in relief. "Oh, thank goodness…"

 _FWOOM!_

I smiled thankfully as the cloud exploded, _blasting_ the rest of the storm away in a singular explosion of wind.

I pumped my fist with a whoop of joy. "GOD BLESS MY CAPTAIN'S SENSE OF TIMING! GO LUFFY! KICK THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH'S STATICKY ASS!"

"COME ON, LUFFY!" Boss roared through his cupped flippers.

"GO, CAPTAIN, GO!" The lightly-charred TDWS pumped their fists confidently, which Lassoo backed up with a heartfelt howl, and Usopp with a pair of party-fans.

"RING IT, STRAWHAT!" Wiper cried from the base of what remained of the beanstalk. "LIGHT THE LIGHT OF SHANDORA!"

"Let us hear it, boy," Gan Fall breathed reverentially. "The song of the island!"

Way up high, the sky flashed and raged time after time, with Luffy striking out against the false god and Eneru striking back, until finally, I saw it.

A glimmer of gold hanging down from the sky, stretching out farther and farther... before finally stopping.

I was vaguely aware of the fact that I'd unhooked my Transceiver's mic from its cradle, and that Soundbite had taken the hint and started the SBS.

"People of the world…" I breathed numbly. "My captain has a message he'd like to share with you all. Soundbite? Broadcast him."

" **RIGHT!"**

 **-o-**

" _HEY! OLD MAN CRICKET! CAN YOU HEAR IT?!"_

"I can hear it…" Montblanc Cricket breathed, his eyes closed in sheer bliss. "He was right. Noland was right!" His eyes shot open, a fire blazing in the pupils and a manic grin on his face. "HA! IN YOUR FACE, FUCKERS! I WAS RIGHT THIS WHOLE TIME! NOW WHO'S THE FOOL?! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Both Masira and Shoujou felt massive drops of sweat run down the backs of their heads at the sight of their usually cool-headed boss cackling and ranting like a cut-rate stage villain.

"I get the feeling Old Man Cricket hasn't been entirely honest with us about his school days," Shoujou muttered.

"With a head like that, you think?" Masira mumbled back.

"WHAT WAS THAT!?"

"N-nothing, boss!" the monkeys shuddered in panic.

 **-o-**

" _WE FOUND THE CITY OF GOLD!"_

"NO! NO, IT'S NOT FUCKING POSSIBLE!"

"Come on, Bellamy, calm down!" one of the incensed spring-man's underlings pleaded as he tried to hold his flailing captain down in his bed. "Think about your wounds!"

"FUCK MY WOUNDS!" the hyena roared. "THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY IN HELL THAT THOSE STUPID BRIGHT-EYED DREAMERS WERE RIGHT! THE AGE OF DREAMS IS OVER! THERE IS NO ONE PIECE, THERE IS NO SKY ISLAND, _THERE IS NO CITY OF—!"_

" _FOR THE LAST 400 YEARS, THE CITY OF GOLD…"_

 _ **CLAAAAAANG!**_

And just like that, Bellamy froze up, liquid nitrogen flooding his body as the most beautiful sound he'd heard in his entire _life_ came from two places at once: from the rapturous Transponder Snail in the captain's quarters of the New Witch's Tongue…

And from the darkness-covered _heavens._

" _WAS IN THE SKY!"_

Bellamy remained frozen for the longest time, each ring of the bell hitting him like a physical _force,_ until finally...

 _THWUMP!_

His underlings' panic was redoubled due to him collapsing into his bed, bloody foam that had nothing to do with his snail-induced injuries bubbling out of his mouth.

 **-o-**

Just off the coast of a certain infamous and prosperous kingdom in the New World, beneath an island-jungle, a secret colony of dwarves was having an impromptu celebration, dancing around a carved bust to the beat of the bell that was being transmitted via the Transponder Snail they'd stolen.

"OUR HERO HAS BEEN VINDICATED!" the sewing-dwarf hero of the Tontattas led his people in cheering. "THE MISPLACED SHAME ON OUR HERO HAS BEEN DESTROYED! CHEERS FOR MONTBLANC NOLAND! CHEERS FOR THE CITY OF GOLD! AND CHEERS FOR THE STRAW HAT PIRATES, FOR PROVING TO THE WORLD THAT OUR HERO WAS NOT A FRAUD!"

"CHEERS! CHEERS!" came the thunderous reply.

 **-o-**

Up in the North Blue, a child tugged on the leg of one of his parents' pants in confusion. "Mommy, daddy?" he asked softly. "Why are you crying?"

The two adults glanced at one another before wiping the tears out of their eyes and smiling at their child.

"N-nothing, son," the father hiccuped happily. "Say, it's getting close to your bedtime, isn't it? What do you say we tuck you in? We have a new bedtime story we want to tell you."

"Really? Great! What's it called?"

"It's called… 'Noland the Adventurer'."

 **-o-**

I could only do two things in face of the bell's ringing: smile like an idiot, and cry like a bitch. And why the hell not? The noise it was making, the way the resonating sound waves rolled over me, _filled me…_ it was… I'd never even _heard_ anything so beautiful before in my life. I… I didn't even think something so beautiful could _exist…_

" _I have seen the face of god..."_ Soundbite breathed through his slack jaw.

I hiccuped in agreement as I shakily brought the mic to my mouth. "Well… looks like that's that. It put us through the wringer and it was crazy as heck, but… well, we won. It's… as simple as that." Suddenly, I became aware of just how _tired_ I was. "And… it's a good thing too, because… yeah, I'm at the end of my rope. I'll see you all later in…" I yawned tiredly. "No less than twenty-four hours… but until then, this is Jeremiah Cross…"

"AND SOUNDBITE!"

"Signing off. G'night…"

And with that, I hung up the transceiver, and fell backwards into oblivion.

Only this time… I did so with a _smile._

 **Xomniac AN: Downside of an early update, it's a bit lighter than our usual load. Upside? It's** _ **early!**_ **Hope you enjoyed!**

 **Patient AN: Another pair of upsides: no cliffhanger this week, and no hiatus next week. And best of all, it's summer! Finals are over, and we've got the whole summer to write.**

 **Hornet AN: You guys do remember I'm going on vacation for the next three weeks, right?**

 **Patient AN: …Well, looks like I was wrong. Sorry, viewers, looks like you'll have to wait another month for the conclusion of Skypiea. Sorry.**

 **Xomniac AN: Believe us, this pains us as much as it pains you.**

 **Hornet AN: You guys do know you can write this thing without me, right? I mean, I'm not going to be completely unplugged.**

 **Xomniac AN: ... well, that works too.**

 **Patient AN: All right, then, viewers, looks like I was wrong again. We may be delayed with the next posting, but we'll see what happens. Until next time, just remember: Patience is a virtue.**


	33. Chapter 31 - Skypiea Pt 4

**Chapter 31**

 **Cross-Brain: At long last, we return, and with another monstrous chapter! Fair warning, you may want to beware of flying hammers, because this chapter is simply going to be WHAM after WHAM after WHAM. Also, for those of you curious as to why this chapter is a week late… well, we said we'd publish after we were whole once more. We didn't say** _ **immediately**_ **after; we may be good, but we can't crank out a whole chapter in just 24 hours. But hey, you're getting another 30k, so you can't be too upset at us, right?**

 **Hornet AN: Oh, and for those of you on Spacebattles, remember what I said about no new animal characters for at least another arc?**

 **I lied.**

 **Patient AN: Or rather, he forgot.**

 **Hornet AN: Shut up!**

It was roughly an hour or two after Eneru's defeat that my body let me come out of the daze I'd been in. While Chopper tried to insist that I rest for another day, enough of my mental faculties were active to know that that would have intolerable consequences: I would miss the victory party. In light of that, Chopper gave me a shot of the most stable of his adrenaline serums, though it left me fidgeting and feeling like I'd just chugged a six-pack of Coke.

The first thought on my mind once I was cleared to leave was what I'd missed, and the crew plus a newly returned Luffy, Nami, Vivi and Conis were quite happy to fill in the blanks.

Most of what happened during the Survival Game was too detailed to bother talking about, especially with what I knew already, so we just covered the highlights: Shura, Gedatsu, Yama, and Hotori and Kotori's much easier defeats—and that was saying something for Shura—Zoro's newfound 'friendly' rivalry with Braham inspiring his Phoenix attacks, and Eneru's enthusiastic crashing of the Survival Game, with little to no care about who he did or didn't fry, after my encounter with him.

When all was said and done, the number of people who survived to make it to Shandora—excluding Luffy, Aisa, and Pierre, who were still in Nola—was seven: the canon five, Boss, and Braham, with Carue and Chopper joining the fray soon after they arrived with me in tow. As Eneru spoke of his plans, Gan Fall had charged in a furious rage and fallen easily. Robin kept silent about the bell due to my forewarning, and observed as Wiper made his successful assault on the lightning-man, adding her own powers to break his limbs and neck in the process.

Unfortunately, he then proceeded to demonstrate just how legitimately bullshit Logia abilities are by circumventing the injuries and using his own lightning to puppet his nerves _along_ with restarting his heart, and both of them and Braham fell to the self-proclaimed god. Despite attempting to use Wiper's skate, Zoro, Boss, Carue, and Chopper fell similarly, leaving only Nami and myself. Nami managed to fast-talk him into _not_ finishing me off, and instead giving me a chance to repent at seeing more of his power, and so he brought me along to the Ark Maxim.

After we escaped the Maxim, Nami headed back to Shandora, where Sanji and Usopp joined her shortly afterwards; apparently, Isaiah and Terry had managed to talk some of the local South Birds into giving them a lift. They hadn't escaped with Nami's Waver fully unscathed, though that was mostly because of the fact that neither of them was capable of piloting the thing right, but they did end up in Shandora in time. Unfortunately, despite Luffy's increased rage, he hadn't managed to cope with the giant ball on his arm, so he joined them there not long afterwards. After that, things had proceeded according to usual.

A little bit too usual, actually.

"So, we lost Angel Island, huh?" I sighed sadly.

"There was nothing we could do to stop the first Raigo, Cross," Nami replied, shaking her head solemnly.

"But it's not all bad news," Conis said with a bittersweet smile. "Nobody was killed in the attack, the island was fully evacuated before it was destroyed."

"We've actually got you to thank for that, Cross!" Vivi happily informed me.

"Eh?" I blinked at her in confusion. "How so? I was completely out of it at the time!"

"Actually, it was something you did _before_ then."

I tried to make heads or tails of what she was saying for a second before giving Soundbite a flat look. "I'm lost."

" _Ditto,"_ the gastropod nodded in agreement.

"The SBS, you idiots!" Nami snickered.

"Eh!?" Now I was _really_ confused. "But how—?"

"It's easy!" Su piped up, stretching herself out slightly as she tested the bandages Chopper had wrapped around her. "While Soundbite might be the first _autonomously_ talking slimeball we've had up here in the clouds, he's not the only one of his kind in the White Sea!"

"Indeed," Conis nodded in agreement. "You see, not all Blue Sea Dwellers who come up here are quite as…" She hesitated slightly as she sought out a word.

"Hectic?" Raphey provided.

"…sure, let's go with that." Going by her expression, she felt that didn't _quite_ cover things, and frankly, neither did I. "Anyway, there have been instances where inhabitants of Angel Island have traded Dials for Transponder Snails in the past, often to keep as pets. I've never done so myself, and I wasn't around one to hear your broadcast in the past few days, so I had no idea about it until we found out that Captain McKinley had already begun an evacuation when Vivi and I arrived at Angel Island to warn… them…"

She trailed off, and both she and Su looked away sadly.

"What's—? Oh, riiight." I flinched as I remembered what I'd meant to tell her for awhile now. "Uh, Conis, about Pagaya…"

"I-it's fine, Cross…" Conis sighed sadly, hugging her arms as she looked away. "I… it hurt, when it happened, but until now it was just… a fact of life. I… I know that he's gone, I accept it, and…" Tears started to trail from her eyes. "I'll… always miss him…"

"And I'll miss you too, Conis," Pagaya reassured her, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Just know that I'll always love you, alright?"

Conis smiled tearfully as she grasped the hand. "Thank you, Father, that means the world to me."

"But of course. It's a parent's duty to accept their children's dreams, after all."

"I know, but still—"

"WILL YOU HURRY UP AND READ WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS SITUATION ALREADY!?" Su shrieked.

 _That_ got Conis to blink in surprise… which got her to open her eyes… which caused her to see Pagaya. And _that_ got her to reel in shock. " _FATHER!?"_

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!" concurred a chorus of indignant voices from my crewmates.

"I'm sorry, I'm alive," Pagaya said apologetically.

I facepalmed, immediately regretting the action as a shot of pain raced down my arm, before looking back at Conis with a sheepish grin. "So, yeah. He's still alive. Crazy, hu… uh… Conis?"

I trailed off in confusion as I caught sight of her. She was frozen, sure, that much I'd expected, but rather than an expression of euphoria and relief like I'd thought she'd show, she looked confused and… conflicted? It was only for a moment, though; the next second, she broke into a joyful smile and embraced her father.

I exchanged glances with Soundbite, who was similarly confused, but we ultimately elected to shrug it off. Not our business.

"Good to see you're still alive, old man!" I waved cheekily… another action I promptly regretted with a wince, this time directing a look at my mummified arm.

Yeah… Eneru had done a hell of a number on my limbs. The good news was that I didn't have to worry about leaving fingerprints ever again! Or fingernails, for that matter. Or nails of any kind, really…

Simply put, my limbs looked like they'd been… melted, for lack of a better term. The flesh on my lower arms and legs was completely coated in third-degree burns, making them look like runny wax candles more than anything else. See, according to Chopper, the majority of my injuries came not from Eneru's lightning, but rather from the heat that it had caused in my armor, which had pretty much flash-cooked all the skin on my limbs from the elbows and knees down. He'd have been able to do more to help them, save that my innards had been in pretty bad condition too, so he'd had to operate there first. On the bright side, I'd have a hell of a story if anyone asked why the hell I had scars from a Y-incision all over my torso.

Still, by the time he'd been done guaranteeing that I'd live, there wasn't much he could do about my limbs; the flesh had re-solidified inside my armor, and he'd been forced to cut both it and most of my epidermis off alongside it in order to save my arms. It was all he could do to keep my nerves intact; I hadn't lost any motor abilities, thank God, but it would be a long time—post-timeskip long—before I'd be able to stand having my arms and legs exposed without it feeling like the air was burning the naked dermis.

But really, it wasn't like it was all _that_ bad. The medicine-soaked bandages Chopper had given me kept the pain to a minimum, and he said that the flesh would heal in a day or two. Usopp was already working on cleaning my flesh out of the remains of my old armor and reforging what was left into something even better based off of Gan Fall's own armor, assuring me that he'd have it insulated this time, and above all else…

"Come on, you've _got_ to admit, it's at least a _little_ badass, right?" I grinned as I held up my bandage-wrapped forearm for Nami to see.

"The absolute hell it is!" she snarled viciously. "What is it with men and thinking that scars are cool?! You really think that being nearly killed like that is some kind of proof of being badass?"

"Oh, no, no, no, Nami," I said, smirking. "Being nearly killed like that because you refused to yield to the demands of a tyrannical jerkass like Eneru, and stayed true to your beliefs even if you thought you'd die for it? _That_ is the proof of being a badass, and _these_ are the proof that I did it."

"Heh," Sanji smirked. "I have to admit that I'm impressed, Cross; I haven't seen anyone stay that firm in their beliefs since Mosshead fought Mihawk."

"Ugh… that's just reinforcing my point. Seriously, did getting nearly bisected give _any_ benefits besides a stupid scar?"

"Definitely," I said firmly. "The only swordsmen that Mihawk respects are the ones capable of putting up a decent fight against him. Zoro is the sole exception; the heart he showed changed Mihawk's view of him from just another overconfident rookie to the best candidate for his successor."

Zoro's grin in response to that statement was more joyful than I had ever seen from him, prompting Nami to roll her eyes. "Alright, for the sake of Zoro's dream, I'll agree that that's a good bright side, but what good came out of _this_? Sure, if you can show me a long-term benefit that came out of this, I'll never doubt the importance of scars again. But I don't see any!"

I shrugged. "I'll let you know as soon as I have one to show you. Anyway, how's everyone else doing?"

"A few bruises and burns, but nothing as bad as yours," Boss grumbled, slamming his fist into his palm. "And I'm lucky about that; those notes of yours were a little too accurate for my tastes, though you forgot to include where the hell he went when all was said and done! Believe me, if I'd gotten my hands on him after Luffy was through with him, that bastard would be sky shark chum right now!"

"Actually, I omitted telling you where he'd end up by design," I admitted, to much incredulity. "Don't get me wrong, I want him dead as much as you do, but this was the only way I could think of that guaranteed that the Rumble-Rumble Fruit would have little to no chance of crossing our path again; if the user of a Devil Fruit dies, the power is reincarnated into the nearest appropriate fruit, and there's no guarantee that that fruit would be native to Skypiea, or in the sky at all. The last thing we need is for it to fall into the hands of another enemy, or God forbid, the Marines."

"Then what's gonna happen to Enewu now? That fwying ship of his cwashed somewhewe faw away when Luffy beat him," Carue said.

"It might have crashed, but dick that he is, Eneru's also a hell of an engineer. The crash didn't damage the ship enough to keep him down. But unless I pissed him off more than I expected, he's running with his tail between his legs—!"

"Watch it," Lassoo warned me.

"It was a valid saying before we had a talking dog on the crew, mutt," I glared at him before continuing. "Anyways, he's taking his power to the one place where no one can get their hands on it for a long time."

It only took Nami a second to pale in shock. "W-wait, you mean that his ship—!?"

"Is flying off to what he knows as Fairy Vearth, and what we know as—"

"BAM, POW, _straight to_ _ **THE MOON!"**_ Soundbite provided eagerly.

Nami stared at us in blank horror for a moment before collapsing to her knees. "NOOOOOOO!" she howled as she shook her fists at the sky in despair.

"Uh, Nami?" Luffy asked in confusion.

"MY GOLD!" Nami screamed, as though every inch of her were in agony… which, on second thought, might not have been that far off of a comparison. "ALL OF MY BEAUTIFUL GOLD, GONE!" She hunched forwards and started slamming her fists on the ground. "CURSE YOU, ENERU! CUUUURSE YOOOOUUUU!"

" **Seriously?"** Soundbite asked flatly before tilting his eyestalks in confusion. " _Huh. THIS SEEMS_ FAMILIAR…"

"There, there, Nami, it's not all bad…" Vivi rubbed the navigator's back kindly.

"Yeah, she's right!" I concurred promptly. "As a matter of fact, there's even more gold waiting for us, gold that he _didn't_ take, just ripe for the picking."

"WHAT!?"

 _THWACK!_

"Ow!" I winced in pain as Nami bodily tackled me and started shaking me by my collar.

"Where is it, man, where is it!?" she ranted, practically foaming at the mouth.

"Let—me—go—and—I'll—tell—you!" I managed to get out. In the end, it took half a dozen of Robin's arms and two dugongs to pull the gold-crazed navigator off of me. I hacked and wheezed as I massaged my throat before responding.

"Alright, first things first…" I pointed at Nola, who'd been gleefully slithering through the ruins of Shandora ever since she'd woken up. "See that giant snake there?"

"Yeah?" Usopp asked, already visibly uncomfortable with where this conversation was heading.

"We need to get it black-out drunk."

"Wha—get the snake dru—?" Nami said, before her eyes widened. "All of that wreckage… of course."

"Yeah, and you know, the best place to get a lot of alcohol is a good party, and considering how we've just put an end to six years of tyranny and a 400-year war—"

"VICTORY PARTY!"

By the time I'd stopped seeing double and my ears had stopped ringing, Nami was long gone. "That was _louuud…"_ I moaned as I knocked my hand against my ear.

"TELL ME _**about it…"**_ Soundbite agreed, his eyes spinning miserably.

"So… is it usually like this for you guys?" Aisa asked as she eyed the dust trail that Nami had left.

"I can _still_ smell some adrenaline in the air, and I'm pretty certain that she must be a mile into the jungle by now," Su deadpanned. "What the heck do you think?"

"Alright, anyway, before we get started with the party, I have something else to take care of," I said, reaching for the transceiver. "Aisa, how's Wiper doing right now?"

"He's conscious, thanks to Chopper, but doctor's orders are that he doesn't do anything more strenuous than speaking right now," Aisa replied.

"Alright. Lead me to him, I think he'll want to be the one to do this. Meanwhile, I think it's high time we found out what else this thing is capable of."

 **-o-**

Beneath the waters of Paradise, a small pirate crew that was swiftly becoming one of the most infamous groups of seafaring rogues of the generation sailed in a ship that would result in Soundbite being gagged within thirty seconds of seeing it, lest he fill the air with the voices of John, George, Ringo, and Paul until the crew's ears fell off. Aboard this ship was one of the world's finest doctors and surgeons; to his knowledge, only three people still alive including him knew his full name, while the majority of the Marines knew him as merely the Surgeon of Death, by virtue of his coveted Devil Fruit powers.

And at the current moment, he was entertaining a new respect for the young man named Jeremiah Cross; his ears, sharp after over a decade's worth of surgeries, had flawlessly processed every detail of the mistakenly broadcast operation, and the fact that he had managed to stand strong in the face of a powerful tyrant like that with injuries that severe _and_ live to tell about it was extremely impressive, as was the skill of their crew's doctor. On the other hand, he was well aware of the fact that Cross was likely to have received significant and permanent damage to his limbs. If he knew what was good for him, he would probably be unconscious for the next several hours.

" _Don don don don!"_

"On the other hand, that would be giving his sanity far too much credit, wouldn't it?" Trafalgar Law mused.

"What was that, Captain?" Penguin asked curiously.

"I said answer the snail," the renowned Surgeon of Death deflected.

"Uh, sir?" Shachi swallowed nervously. "Shouldn't you be concentrating on what you're doing?"

Law scoffed as he spun his scalpel in his fingers. "Please, all I'm doing is replacing a ruined kidney. I could do this with my eyes closed."

The co-first-mate of the Heart Pirates swallowed heavily as he watched the surgical blade twirl above his exposed entrails. "Please don't."

Law gave his subordinate a flat look before shrugging and stabbing the blade into the table next to his head, ignoring the panicked whimper he let out. "Fine, we'll take a break while we listen."

Shachi breathed a sigh of relief, before tensing as his captain walked away. "Ah… do you think you could close me up first!?"

"Picky, picky," Law grumbled as he snapped his fingers.

Shachi started to sigh yet again, but paused when he caught sight of the surgical tray covering the open window into his body. He stared at it for a second before letting his head hit the table with a groan. "This is the best I'm going to get, isn't it?"

"I'll finish with you as soon as the SBS is over," Law said dismissively, leaning to recline against his oldest crewmate, a rather fluffy bear mink who was currently sedated due to the ever-present queasiness that flared up whenever his captain performed his art, which did absolutely nothing to impede his effectiveness as a cushion. Law had just settled down as Penguin picked up the receiver.

"— _Axe Dials,_ _five Axe Dials, six Axe Dials, seven Axe Dials, Dials! Alright, that'll do. So, considering that Soundbite couldn't_ possibly _be so cruel as to interrupt me after I nearly died—"_

" **WHAT!? No way,** _ **I'm totally that**_ _cruel!"_ Soundbite said, sounding genuinely offended. "START THE _SBS!"_

"… _I'll be honest, viewers, I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting."_

"Seriously, Cross, you **need to PAY BETTER** _ **ATTENTION."**_

" _I know, I know, I'm working on it."_

Everyone awake chuckled, save Law, though he couldn't suppress a smirk.

" _Anyway, viewers, fair warning at the get-go: a good portion of this broadcast is going to be me playing around with the transceiver, seeing just how many features it has. Why do I not know what it can do? Because the thing didn't come with an instruction manual, and us finding one for it is as likely as the Marines offering Buggy the Clown a position with the Seven Warlords."_

"Buggy the Clown?" someone asked.

"I think I've heard of him. Small-time pirate from the East Blue. I think Strawhat got his bounty after beating in his face and a few others along with it," another commented.

" _Alright, so let's see what we've got here… Huh, looks like the display's changed. Looks like…?"_

"…CONCEITED BASTARD, _**ain't it?**_ "

" _What—? Oh. Ugh, no kidding. Still, I wouldn't mind giving it a shot. One sec, viewers, I'm going to try calling the Transponder Snail number that the transceiver is now showing. And if there is any goodness in this world, it_ won't _connect me to who I think it will…"_

There was a brief ruffling sound, followed by the telltale clicking of someone inputting a Transponder Snail number. Moments later…

" _Dot dot dot dot!_ _ **THE HECK!?"**_

Law cocked an eyebrow in intrigue. "Well, now, that's a surprise…"

" _What the—?"_ Cross started before cutting off as he scrambled to do something. A second later, there was a click. " _ **Hello? Hello?"**_ the pirate's voice called out, only it appeared to be layered and echoed, as if…

"Oooh, now that's interesting," the Surgeon of Death chuckled.

"What are you talking about, Captain?" Penguin asked, not yet having grasped the implications.

Cross unwittingly answered the question with a bark of laughter, his voice having returned to normal. " _Well, well, well, isn't this a handy little feature!? Viewers, I have just discovered the call-in number for the SBS! All you have to do is call the following number, 432-782-762, during the broadcast, and we will be able to talk_ live! _Again, that number is 432-782-762. Dial it in during the SBS broadcast, and we'll have you on the air. Oh, and if you're concerned about the long arm of the law—no relation to the Long-Arm Tribe—just tap your fingers against the speaker after we pick up, and Soundbite will use his powers to blur your voice so that nobody can recognize you."_

" _I_ AM **THE GREAT—** _Dot dot dot dot—_ **EST! Ooh,** _ **here's our first caller**_ _ALREADY! Hello, you've reached the_ _ **SBS!**_ "

The snail's expression contorted into a smug grin.

A grin that put all the onlooking Heart Pirates on edge and prompted Law to snap into a sitting position, instinctively strangling his Kikoku's hilt in an ironic death-grip.

" _Fuffuffuffuffu,"_ came an all-too-familiar laugh from an all-too familiar voice. " _Well, isn't this luc—KA-LICK!"_ Without warning, the voice was cut off, and replaced by Cross' cheerful, if slightly strained voice.

" _Something I forgot to mention: we_ do _have standards here on the SBS, even if we don't usually show it, and we won't…eh?_ _Alright, we won't_ willingly _permit malicious or… what? Ergh, alright, alright, malicious or_ too _inappropriate content to be aired. Now, most of the time, I'll be willing to give anyone a chance to say their bit and dig their own grave."_

Cross's only slightly shaky smile was once more replaced by the vicious grin, which was now several molars wider.

" _Well, that was rude, but thank you. Now, then—_ KA-LICK!"

" _A fact to consider, however,"_ Cross resumed speaking, his grin now a bit more vicious. " _Is that I am a nice and savvy individual, and that I am_ quite _familiar with the… shall we say, reputations of certain individuals. People known for being so thoroughly toxic that we cannot allow them so much as an inch of momentum, lest they corrupt this broadcast entirely. People who are essentially valid for blacklisting from the word go."_

The evil grin was back again, though not only was it painfully wide and twitching slightly, but a few veins were starting to pop between the snail's eyestalks.

" _Very funny, rookie. You've shown you've got guts, now cut it out or else—KA-LICK!"_

" _People like the Warlord Donquixote Doflamingo, who I am absolutely_ positive _nobody on this planet likes, aside from his admittedly admirably loyal crewmates and most… I'll be generous and say 'misguided' followers."_

"First the Marines and the World Government, then a lunatic with the lightning Logia, and now he's calling out Doflamingo and making a fool of him in front of the entire world. It's official: Jeremiah Cross is _trying_ to get himself killed," Shachi stated weakly.

"That or he has bigger balls than brains," Penguin suggested. "This certainly isn't the first time we've heard of it happening without the captain's help."

"Fair point."

" _Now then… which button actually_ is _the blacklist function on this thing… Let's try… this one?"_ There was a mechanical click, and then the smile was back, with almost twice as many veins.

" _Brat, you have_ no _idea who you're—KA-LICK!"_

" _Nope. This one?"_

" _I am starting to lose my—KA-LICK!"_

" _Nope. This one?"_

" _YOU DON'T WANT ME TO—KA-LICK!"_

" _Nope. This one?"_

 _ **BWAAAAAAAAAH!**_

The Heart Pirates shot back from their Transponder Snail in shock when it suddenly loosed a tremendously loud blare at the top of its lungs, which Soundbite had already shown the world to be very, _very_ impressive.

"…WOW, _that was loud,"_ Cross finally got out.

" _ **MY EARS!**_ **MY** NON-EXISTENT **EARS** _ARE RINGING!"_ Soundbite groaned.

" _Alright, foghorn button. Not what I was looking for, but I am_ definitely _remembering it. Now, where was I… oh, yeah! This one?"_

Trafalgar D. Water Law was unsure if he had ever grinned so widely in his life.

 **-o-**

Beneath the deck of the Donquixote Pirates' ship, currently sailing through the waters of Paradise, Monet pushed her thickly-lensed glasses up onto her forehead as she watched Sugar get up from her chair and walk across the reading room the sisters had been relaxing in. "What are you doing?"

"Changing chairs to sit over here," the pseudo-toddler explained as she strode over to a somewhat oversized armchair and started hopping in an attempt to climb into its seat.

Monet rolled her eyes in equal parts exasperation and fondness. She then stood up, strode over to her sister and helped her into her new seat. "Honestly, little sister, what would you do without me?"

"Find a smaller chair, get somebody else to lift me in, or just turn a flunky into a toy and use them as a stepstool," Sugar summarized as she dug a grape out of the bowl she was carrying.

Monet chuckled as she returned to her own seat and picked her book back up. "Of course, of course. And to reiterate my question, _why_ did you decide to sit over there?"

Sugar rolled her eyes in turn as she swallowed the fruit. "Because where you're sitting, the room the Young Master is in is forty-five feet _that way,_ " she answered, pointing at the wall behind Monet.

The snow-woman glanced over her shoulder at the wall. "And why is that impo—?"

The snail in the room suddenly clicked its tongue. " _There it is! Alright, and there goes the worry of having to deal with the puppetmaster's self-aggrandizing squawking. What say we move on, eh?"_

" _Rrgrrgghh…"_ Monet's inquiry was cut off in a choked gurgle as she slumped in her seat, eyes rolling up in her head and foam bubbling out of her slack jaws.

"Because the range of the Young Master's Haki when he loses his temper is _fifty_ feet," Sugar explained to her insensate sibling, shaking her head with a sigh that was equal parts exasperated and fond. "Honestly, big sister, what would you do without me?"

" _Hhhgghhh…"_

 **-o-**

" _Alright, with that done—Eh?… hm, alright, sure. Let me just— Alright, loyal viewers, I need to brief a guest we're about to have. Uh… Soundbite, could you_ please _be mature for five minutes while I talk to Wiper, and put on some music for the viewers that_ won't _make them want to tune out the SBS for the rest of time?"_

"Ugh… **well, when you** _ **PUT IT**_ **THAT way, fine.** _JERKWADS AND GERMS,_ _ **the musical stylings of**_ **A BAND CALLED** THE DUBLINERS!"

"… _who they have never heard of, but yeah, that'll work. Alright, everyone, here's… eh…"_

" _ **Soundbite's Music Corner!"**_

"… _eh, alright."_

Midway through the waters of the Grand Line, a long-armed pirate who'd only just started to make a name for himself hummed along to the sound of fiddles, banjos and other such rural instruments that the snail before him was humming out. "Apapapa, it sounds like the little snail's got an ear for a festive beat!" Scratchman Apoo chuckled happily.

The chuckling evolved to laughter as Soundbite moved on to sharing his lyrics in a thick medley of North Blue voices.

" _And it's all for me grog, me jolly, jolly grog/All for me beer and tobacco/Well I spent all me tin with the lassies drinking gin/Far across the western oceans I must wander!"_

"APAPAPA! And good taste in lyrics as well!" Apoo twisted his arm around so that he could successfully slap his knee. "I just might have to call in and ask about these 'Dubliners'! I can't believe I've never heard of them! APAPAPA—Eh?"

Apoo paused in his laughing and looked upward as he scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Saaaay… now, there's a thought… and he'd probably go for it, too…" He began pondering on how he could go about it, and shortly thereafter began moving through the ship to gather his Transponder Snails together. He was just finishing as the music ended, and Cross' voice came across the transponders anew.

" _OK, viewers, hope you enjoyed Soundbite's Music Corner; if we get enough positive reception, we'll see about making it a regular thing. Now, moving on to a considerably more serious topic. Earlier today, I confirmed for the world the truth about the Montblanc family… but now, it's time for you to learn the true story of Montblanc Noland, and how he came to the legendary City of Gold. You see, up here in the sky, a different tale has been told from generation to generation… and now, I cede the microphone to the one with the most right to tell you that story."_

Shuffling ensued as the microphone was handed over, followed shortly by a masculine voice.

" _People of the world, my name is Wiper. I am a descendant of the great warrior Calgara, the last guardian of the City of Shandora before the city was sent to the sky…"_

 **-o-**

"… _and so, after 400 years, our war has come to an end, and my ancestor's final wish has been fulfilled. And to Noland's descendant… I hope that you hear this, and know of the true heroism of your ancestor."_

Cricket and the Saruyama Alliance had been motionless, listening with rapt attention to every word that Wiper said until that moment. And then, he reached forward and grabbed the snail's mic. It didn't need any prompting to dial.

" _You've reached_ **the SBS!** "

"This is Montblanc Cricket speaking. I heard every word and every ring, Wiper."

Silence fell on the other end, until the unmistakable sound of a choked-off sob came through. But Wiper's voice was firm as he replied.

"… _I'm glad."_

"Wiper, and all of you Straw Hats… I owe you one."

He said nothing more as he started to lay down the receiver.

" _Montblanc Cricket."_

The freediver froze, the mic an inch from its cradle.

Tears flowed from the snail's eyes as it grinned widely. " _Let us meet one day on the land of our ancestors, as they promised. Agreed?"_

Cricket stared at the snail silently for a second, before sniffing as he used his forearm to wipe away the tears he hadn't even been trying to hold back, an equally euphoric grin on his face. "Just wait for me. I'll be there before you know it."

And with that, Cricket replaced the receiver.

For a moment, all was still on the coast of Jaya.

Then…

"Boys… how about we go and find us a Knock-Up Stream?"

"HELL YEAH!" the primate-like siblings and their underlings whooped, pumping their fists in the air.

 **-o-**

I waited until Cricket had hung up before smiling. "Well, it's been a fruitful broadcast, everyone: establishing a call-in feature _and_ informing the world of the truth of a tragic tale from long ago, now brought to a happy close. But, I'm afraid that as the victory party is about to start, we'll have to end this off now. So, until tomorrow, viewers, this is Jeremiah Cross—"

" **And SOUNDBITE**!"

"—Of the SBS, signing off."

I placed the mic on its cradle and stretched out, wincing at the pain but noting with no small measure of relief that it had diminished somewhat compared to the start of the broadcast. I slowly got to my feet and walked towards the sounds of growing activity, and I was nearing the source…

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

When Soundbite began ringing. Processing the situation, I remembered what I had talked about the previous night. "Well, here's hoping that this is a turn for the better. Could you call Zoro and Nami over here? Oh, and Vivi, too."

The three of them, with varying degrees of irritation on their faces, made their way away from the party, through the woods and over to me, though their irritation faltered as Soundbite let out another " _Puru puru puru puru!"_

"MI3?" Vivi asked.

"Unless that number works outside of SBS broadcasts, too, in which case I have a feeling I'm _really_ going to regret handing it out," I replied acridly, picking up the mic. "Hello?"

" _Apapapapapa! Hello, Mister Cross?"_

My eyes widened; I immediately recognized who was on the other end of the line, and it was _not_ someone I was expecting to hear from for at _least_ another three months, _minimum_. "Yeees, and you're—"

" _Apoo. 'Roar of the Sea' Scratchman Apoo,_ _75 million bounty, captain of the Grand Line native On Air Pirates! I'm glad to see the number you gave out works even when the SBS is out!"_

"… _shit,"_ I summarized flatly.

" _Apapapa!"_ Apoo cackled suddenly. " _Got you, didn't I? Yeah, I bet that would be a nightmare and a half! Don't worry, I'm calling you on Soundbite's personal number, which I'll keep quiet."_

"HOW DID YOU _get that?_ **Only** _ **ONE PERSON**_ **outside the crew KNOWS IT** _ **, and**_ _DITZY though she is,_ _ **she's not THAT**_ **BAD!"** Soundbite said incredulously.

" _Actually, you're wrong! There's one other person who knows your number!"_

"Who!?" Nami demanded.

" _Apapa! Why, the man who_ gave _him it!"_

I made the connection in seconds. " _Samson!?"_ Soundbite and I chorused incredulously.

" _Yup! That's him! Nice guy! It was easy, really. All I had to do was call a few people in East Blue and confirm that you joined the Strawhats shortly before they reached Loguetown, and they also told me that when you showed up, Soundbite didn't have a rig yet! From there, I had my snails from that region—and believe me, I have a few—contact Snail shops in the town and I asked around for anyone who provided Ichabod-Portentia 6S model transponder rigs!"_

" _HOW DO YOU_ **know my MEASUREMENTS!?"** Soundbite yelped.

He then tilted his head in the approximation of a shrug. " _You've got a slight hissy-click-click every few seconds in your broadcast, a harmless defect of the model. Anyway, once I found the guy, I asked about your number. He was able to tell I was an honest fan and gave it to me, along with a message!"_

"Message?" I repeated, somewhat weakly.

" _Yeah. His business has boomed since your SBS started; his Transponder Snail Shack is going to become a Transponder Snail Palace before long! He wants to thank you for the windfall and for giving a nice kick in the pants to the World Government, and said that he's at your service for anything he can provide."_

"…Huh. Seems like we've made a resourceful ally. But before considering that, would you care to explain _why_ you're calling me?"

"Easy," Vivi said, crossing her arms with a huff. "I've only heard him speak for a few minutes, but I can tell: he's a member of the Long-Arm Tribe. There are only two possible reasons one of them would ever put this much effort into _anything:_ for making money, or for causing trouble in some way, shape or form, and a lot of it, at that."

" _Apapapapa! That statement is harsh, stereotypical, and downright racist, Your Highness!"_ Apoo's grin widened proudly, which Soundbite was able to easily accommodate. " _It also happens to be completely true, both in this instance and in general. Anyway, that last broadcast of yours gave me an idea. I have a… proposition for you that, knowing you, I'm pretty sure you'll like…"_

I exchanged glances with my friends before crossing my arms and adopting a controlled expression. "I'm listening…"

 **-o-**

"PFFHAHAHAHA!" I cackled, slapping my hands on my knees eagerly, ignoring the pain that resulted from the action. "Oh, _man,_ this is going to be down-and-out _epic!_ I can't wait, this'll just be _soooo_ fun!"

"Well, it's trouble, alright, but not any more than we're used to," Vivi said, unable to fight a smirk.

"THANKS A _BUNCH,_ _ **Scratchman!**_ " Soundbite chortled.

" _Oh, please, call me Apoo. I look forward to your next broadcast, Cross!"_

"So do I, Apoo, so do I. Don't get killed in the meantime!"

" _APAPAPAPAPA! YOU'RE ONE TO TALK!"_ the long-armed pirate cackled. A moment later, the line disconnected.

"So, Cross… you know anything about this guy?" Zoro asked.

"Yeah, but not a lot," I shrugged as I scratched my chin thoughtfully. "The story didn't tell much about him before I came here. Besides what we already established in that call, all I know is that he has a Devil Fruit that lets him turn his body parts into instruments and create lethal sound waves from them. Probably something onomatopoeia-related, but really, no guarantees. I only got a brief glance over his and most of the powers of the rest of the pirates of his caliber."

"And what caliber is that, Cross?" Nami asked.

I shot a cheeky grin at her. "Now, now, Nami, you know better. That answer is fraught with spoilers!… Buuut, I can at least say with confidence that Luffy and Zoro are _in_ that particular power-bracket."

Nami and Vivi's eyes shot wide in shock, while Zoro settled for grinning in malevolent eagerness.

"So…" Vivi started slowly. "You're basically saying that we just got an incredibly powerful ally, didn't we?"

"Pretty much, yeah." I bit my thumb in thought. "And maybe even two others of the same caliber, but _that's_ not going to be for a good long while, of that I'm certain. Still, if we play this right, it's going to pay off _big time_ in the long run."

Nami spread her hands with an exasperated sigh. "You and your long cons and high-stakes gambles. One day, you are going to go over the edge in a simply _spectacular_ manner, I swear… Well!" Nami grinned fiercely as she slammed her fist into her palm. "If that's everything, I'm going to head back to the party. That snake has a _stupid_ high tolerance, but I'm pretty sure I'm making progress!"

"Yeah, yeah, sure, go ahead, we're done here," I waved her off.

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ "

"Or not," I continued smoothly.

"I'm warning you, if it's that Apoo guy again, I'm going to dislocate his joints when we meet him in person," Nami warned me.

"Ah… wait, hang on a second, I noticed something when I was toying with the Transceiver earlier…" I drew the metal box out of my bag.

"TOUCH THAT _foghorn AND DIE."_

"Yeah, yeah, hang on…" I glided my fingers over the available buttons before pressing what I hoped was the right one. The display promptly showed a series of digits, and I grinned at the fact that they were familiar. "Jackpot!" I took the mic out of its cradle before adopting a grave expression. "Saint Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. Do you have an appointment?"

" _Um, pardon? My apologies, I seem to have the wrong number—"_ came a wheezy voice, the sound of which prompted me to pump my fist victoriously.

" _You don't, that's just a thing he does,"_ Smoker said tiredly. " _Here I was going to say that I'd have to be more careful about asking you to make a meaningful broadcast, Cross, but I can only assume you're doing alright despite all of that lightning if you're cracking jokes."_

"For a certain measure of 'alright,' anyway." I swear my wounds were sentient, if the way they flared up at that moment was anything to go by. "I'm a bit deep-fried, but… well, I'll live, even if I'm going to be bandaged up and jumping at storms for awhile. So, I take it that the recruitment went well?"

" _Yes, and all thanks to you, Cross,"_ Tashigi said, smiling. " _It's because of how you stuck to your beliefs against that lightning bastard that our new name is MI4, and we've got a few hundred more soldiers for our cause!"_

Silence greeted that statement, during which Zoro, Soundbite, and I all turned with identical smug grins towards a flat-footed Nami, who promptly began stammering. "She… but… you… I… oh, for the love of…" She sighed angrily. "Alright, fine. FINE! STANDING UP TO ENERU WAS COMPLETELY BADASS, NOT STUPID! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!"

" _Very,"_ Soundbite and I said smugly before I turned back to the mic. "Thank you, Tashigi, you just helped me prove Nami wrong about something important."

" _Uh… you're welcome?"_ she said uncertainly before Soundbite's expression shifted back to Smoker's grimace.

" _She's not the only one you've proved wrong, Cross. Would you mind repeating your accusation from last night for Captain T-Bone?"_

" **Last night?** _You called_ LAST NIGHT?" Soundbite asked.

"You somehow slept through it, Soundbite," I said with a shrug. "They just told me that they were going after their first recruit for another leader—T-Bone—and I gave them some recommendations for Vice-Admirals to try after that. Hina, meanwhile, presented one that I had to turn down: Vice-Admiral Vergo. From the day he joined the Marines, he's been a deep-cover plant for Donquixote Doflamingo of the Seven Warlords."

Silence greeted this declaration before the wheezy voice spoke again, filled with hate. " _That wretched bastard… here I thought that he was merely a conscienceless and self-centered fanatic! But he's truly a_ pirate _? And under the service of_ that man _, of all people…"_

"Um…?"

" _Let's just say that Vergo played a key part in a disaster in Captain T-Bone's past,"_ Smoker said. " _Hina was devastated when she got proof that you were telling the truth; it's the only reason she's not on this call."_

" _Mister Cross, you have shown a great deal of knowledge of things that you should not know. I have sworn to take Vergo's head myself, and your revelation has only reinforced my determination. What can you tell me about him that would be beneficial for me to know?"_

I processed this new development, and immediately saw a problem in the form of the last survivor of Flevance. True, his main grudge was against Doflamingo, but did that mean I was going to run the risk of an ally drawing his ire for stealing the life of someone else that he wanted to kill? Not remotely. I frowned in thought as I considered that particular arc, and then the answer came to me. An answer that would prove to make things much more helpful for us in the long run. Wow, today was turning out _beautifully._

"Alright, listen carefully: suffice to say that you're not the only one after Vergo's head," I said carefully. "And the other person who wants it? Not only are they stronger than you, but I can say with _absolute_ confidence that their grievance is a _lot_ worse than yours. That person is _also_ a potential ally, so when crunch-time comes, we're going to have to defer to him on this matter, though I think he'll be amenable to sharing in this case. Still, the situation is _very_ delicate, so I'm going to tell you what I think is the best course of action for you to follow, alright?"

There was a tense silence for a few moments before T-Bone spoke. " _I'm listening_ ," he rasped.

"Alright, you're going to want to write this down, because it's not going to make sense anytime soon. Should the worst come to pass and the worst-case candidate for Sengoku's successor is appointed… go to the changed battleground and create a base in the fire. Stay hidden, and wait for us; when we come to you, you'll have your revenge."

" _And if Sakazuki is not appointed?"_

"…yeah, that _was_ the obvious conclusion to draw, wasn't it?" I chuckled sheepishly. "Alright, fine, I'll stow the cryptic bullshit for a bit. That's just a timekeeping measure anyway. All you need to do is go to the battlefield where he and Aokiji fight and hide in the side that's always engulfed in flames. Believe me, no one will ever look for you there, it's the perfect hiding spot! Provided you deal with the guard dog there, but still."

"… _Commodore Smoker, I was under the impression that he was impossibly well-informed, not clairvoyant,_ " T-Bone said dryly.

" _So were we, but that explains a lot,_ " Tashigi's voice said.

"Hey, do you think I would have willingly gotten fried if I'd seen this shit coming!?" I demanded.

"Weell…" Vivi trailed off uncomfortably.

"You did keep talking like an idiot," Nami reasoned.

"OH, COME ON!" I cried out.

" _As amusing as this is, Cross,_ are _you clairvoyant?"_ Smoker asked seriously.

"…" I was silent for a few seconds before grinning widely. "It involves a serialized manga, a random omnipotent deity—!"

" _Okay, I've heard enough, good night, Cross!"_ Tashigi cut in.

" _Just a moment—KA-LICK!"_ T-Bone attempted to speak up, only for the connection to drop like a hot potato.

"Quick thinking, Cross," Vivi whistled.

"Thank you very much," I said smugly. "A wise man once said that the truth is often hardest to believe, and quite frankly, I'd say that everything we've experienced since coming to the Grand Line vindicates that statement _perfectly_ , wouldn't you?"

"UNDERSTATEMENT _**of the**_ **TIMES!"** Soundbite concurred.

"If you're done," Nami drawled, leering at me and tapping her foot. "While I can't deny that those two calls were both productive, _can I get back to getting my gold now?!"_

I gave her a decidedly flat look. "Your ancient, snake bile-covered, literally-ripped-from-the-hands-of-dead-men gold."

" _YES!"_

I rolled my eyes, and did a quick mental check to be sure I wouldn't have to call her back for anything else. But as I did so, another idea came to mind.

"Actually, before you get back to that, go talk to Pagaya, see if he can slim your Waver down so it's portable before we set off tomorrow."

Nami's impatient glare turned into a quizzical look. "Portable? Why?"

I shrugged. "From what I saw, you pretty much never used it again after we left Skypiea; I was thinking that if you could carry it around with you, you'd get a lot more use out of it."

Nami looked thoughtful at that. "Huh, when you put it that way… well, I _did_ like riding it… alright, I'll ask Pagaya what he can do." Her gaze sharpened intently. "Anything else?" she demanded with a visible overtone of menace.

"No, that's it for now."

"Perfect!" And with that, the navigator dashed back to the party, snatching up a stray mug of something no-doubt liver-failure-inducing en route to Nola.

"Well," Vivi groaned slightly as she stretched her arms out. "I need to get back, too." She frowned contemplatively. "I was planning on talking to Conis when you called me over. I'm a bit worried, it looked like she was talking to her dad about something serious…"

I shrugged helplessly. "No help here. Her role in events has been _way_ different from what I remember."

The princess sighed despondently. "Oh, well. I'll see what I can do on my own."

She too walked away, and I looked at Zoro. "…Don't expect me to say this again anytime soon, but thanks for all of that training, Zoro; I wouldn't have been able to stand up to Eneru as much as I did without it."

Zoro cracked a grin. "Glad you finally came around, Cross." His grin faded. "But there's not much chance of me keeping it up anymore with your arms and legs wrecked."

"Psh, what, these?" I held my arms up dismissively. "Please. Your chest is a worse trainwreck than these things. I'll be back and better than ever _so long as you keep putting the screws to me like there's no tomorrow!"_ I kept my grin up for a second or two before gaping in abject horror as I processed my last sentence. "What the fuck just came out of my mouth?"

" **YOU HEARD HIM,** _ **NO TAKE-BACKSIES!"**_ Soundbite stated eagerly.

Zoro glanced at Soundbite for a bare moment before grinning like a fucking _demon._ "Whatever you say, 'Cross'! Well, see you later!" And with that, he started to return to the party…

" _ **Did I hear someone trying to circumvent DOCTOR'S ORDERS?!**_ "

Before he broke into a full-blown sprint as he was chased by a psychotic reindeer… and me, to boot!

"YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW, SIX-SWORD STYLE! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT I DIDN'T SAY THAT! _YOU KNOW IT!"_

Bottomless booze, over-the-top antics, former enemies coming together, and at least one crewmate trying to rip another limb from limb.

Just another typical victory celebration for the Straw Hat Pirates.

 **-o-**

" _Hey, I found a necklace over here! Ah, gross, but it's around a dead guy's neck!"_

" _Well, what are you waiting for?! Rip it off!"_

" _What!? Nami, that is beyond disrespectful, and—!"_

" _I SAID RIP IT OFF, LEO!"_

" _Y-yes, ma'am!" CL-CLUNK! "AGH! I-IT'S GOT ME! IT'S ALIVE!_ THE SKELETON IS ALIVE!"

" _Look alive, Leo, look alive! You must be strong! For after all, to delve into the belly of a great beast, and to fight the living dead… do these two dreams combined not qualify… as a great Man's Romance?"_

" _GO, BOSS, GO!"_

" _STOP CHEERING HIM ON AND GET THIS THING OFF OF ME!_

"LESS WHINING, MORE GOLD-GETTING!"

" **Hell hath** _no fury like a_ **GREEDY** _ **Nami,**_ " Soundbite declared sagely.

"Indeed, Soundbite, indeed," I nodded solemnly. "The only option is to work as hard as possible, so as to avoid incurring her wrath."

" _YOU'WE NOT WORKING AT AWW, JACKASH!"_

" _I_ have a perfectly valid excuse not to be spelunking with you guys in the form of my limbs and Chopper's subsequent orders. And besides, in case you haven't noticed, I _am_ working." I raised a thumbs-up at Nola's slack-jawed and dead-to-the-world form. "I'm giving you all moral support. Go team, woo."

"… _You'we fweaking lucky that I can't awgue with the fiwst pawt, Cwoss,"_ Carue growled.

"Damn straight. Now, then…" I thumbed through my book. "Where was I…"

" _Wassafwassin—what the—? WAAAAAAAAGH!"_

" _GIANT SPIDERS! GIANT SPIDERS!"_

" _DOES EVERYTHING GROW BIG UP HERE, DAMN IT!?"_

"Ah, now I remember!" I grinned victoriously as I tapped the appropriate line. "Gulliver waking up in Lilliput. Thanks, guys!"

" _SCREW YOU, CROSS!"_

I snickered as I settled in on the crew's luggage and got back to reading my book. After the party had wound down and we'd all gotten a good night's rest, Nami and Luffy had woken us all up in order to mine Nola's guts for gold. Thankfully, I had a very final doctor's note on my side, so I didn't need to get closer to the insides of an animal than I'd ever wanted to be… again. Laboon was an exception… and it didn't necessarily feel like an earthquake when he moved.

I was just starting to get into the page when I was interrupted.

" _Cross,_ **we need TO TALK**."

I looked up from my book at the snail on my shoulder, ready to give him the stinkeye until I caught sight of the determined expression he was wearing. "What is it, Soundbite?" I asked, putting my book down.

Soundbite ground his teeth for a second as he appeared to work up the courage to say whatever it was he wanted to say. Finally, he heaved a heavy sigh and bowed his head. "…I WANT _to know_ _ **EVERYTHING**_ **you** **can** _ **tell me**_ **ABOUT** _DEVIL FRUITS."_ He looked up, a fire blazing in his eyes the likes of which I hadn't seen in anyone other than the most dedicated members of the crew. " **TELL ME** _ **ANYTHING**_ **that can** _help me_ _ **get stronger."**_

I blinked at the snail in confusion, and he apparently picked up on my bemusement of if the way he snarled viciously was anything to go by.

" **DAMMIT,** _ **CROSS,**_ _we're_ SUPPOSED TO BE _PARTNERS!"_ he snapped. " _YOU DO_ **what I can't,** _ **and I DO WHAT**_ **YOU CAN'T!** _But I couldn't do anything to stop_ ENERU **from** _ **zapping**_ **YOU WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE,** _ **AND THAT'S NOT RIGHT!**_ **And you say there's** _ **worse**_ COMING _down the way!? HELL NO!_ **I** _ **NEED**_ TO GET _STRONGER,_ **ASAP!** _And by 'possible',_ I MEAN RIGHT NOW, DAMN IT!"

I stared at Soundbite in flat-footed shock. "Wh… What brought this on? You didn't feel like this back when I had cholera, or after the rebellion—"

" **THOSE** WERE _OUT OF MY CONTROL! I can't fight_ **bacteria WITH JUST** _ **SOUND,**_ AND I WAS DOING _**everything that I could to**_ **get rid of that FLOUR!** _ **BUT**_ _**THIS TIME**_ **IT WAS** SOMEONE _DEFEATABLE! You literally got_ **scarred for life on** HALF OF YOUR BODY _**because I couldn't stop it.**_ "

The snail glared at me, his teeth grit and his expression more serious and determined than anything I'd ever seen on him up to that point. " _NEVER AGAIN. And before you_ _ **say diddly,**_ I GOT **Luffy's** PERMISSION _to hear any_ _ **spoilers**_ _necessary_ **as long as I don't tell anyone else. AND FOR ONCE,** _ **I'M WILLING TO KEEP MY TRAP SHUT!**_ **So, I'll ask again…** _Do you know anything that can help me?"_

For a minute, I just stared at the snail, taken aback by just how personally he'd taken this. And worse yet, for the life of me, I didn't know what to tell him. I mean, he was using an entirely original Devil Fruit, for Pete's sakes, and a Paramecia at that! That he'd gotten so strong was phenomenal, but the only other way I knew of for that kind of Devil Fruit to get stronger was time and ingenuity. After all, it's not like the Warlords became all-powerful in a ni—waiiiit a minute…

Alright, so maybe I had _something._ It was only an inkling, a shadow of a thought more than anything, but Soundbite caught sight of it, and as per usual, he didn't let go. " **I SAW THAT!** WHAT, _what did you_ _ **think of?"**_

I bit my lip uncomfortably before slowly shaking my head. "I… think I might know of one thing, Soundbite, but… well, it was only ever barely touched on in the story, and Oda never really gave any real details—"

" _WE'RE_ IN _THE_ _ **fucking story**_ _!_ **TELL ME!** _ **I'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT!**_ " the snail barked.

"Alright, alright!" I said, snapping my hands up in surrender. "I'm already in pieces as it is, ripping my head off won't help matters. Anyway…" I ran my fingers through my hair. "It's… one of the last things I saw from the manga was a concept called 'Awakened Devil Fruits.' The only Paramecia version the story showed was right at the end of the part I read, Doflamingo's String-String Fruit. Like most Paramecia, it sounds weak, but it's quite formidable: the standard powers let him create strings that were tough enough to cut someone's arms or legs off. He could also use it to control others like marionettes, and even create a full-body clone out of string. The Awakened ability, however…"

I bit my thumb thoughtfully. "It was only shown for a few pages, but… it was something else entirely. He… said that it allowed him to affect his surroundings, I think. Somehow, he turned the rubble and buildings around him into strings, and then he controlled them with just as much finesse as his own strings, if not moreso."

Soundbite's eyes widened in shock. " _ **Woah…"**_ He narrowed his eyes as he pegged onto something. "YOU SAID ' _Paramecia version'?"_

I shrugged slightly. "Yeah, that's something that complicates matters even further. See, the story showed a few Awakened Zoans long before Doflamingo showed what he could do, but they were _totally_ different from him. They're known as the Jailer Beasts of Impel Down. Like Chopper, they're animal-person hybrids…" I frowned in thought. "But they're also a million times tougher than any other Zoan shown in the series. One of them managed to take a headfirst beating from Luffy and barely even _flinched._ But the weirdest thing was that they seemed a lot more…" I waved my hand helplessly. "Well, _animal_ than human; they didn't talk, they seemed pretty stupid… unless I miss my guess, I think their minds might have been _consumed_ by their own Devil Fruits."

Soundbite swallowed nervously. " _Seriously?"_

"Maybe?" I spread my hands helplessly. "And honestly, I don't think they're the only Awakened Zoans I've seen either. Remember how I told Luffy that Chopper had eight forms instead of seven?"

" **And you said NUMBER 8** _was a total monster. WHY DO I NOT LIKE_ _ **WHERE THIS IS HEADED?"**_

"Exactly. Unless I miss my guess, Chopper somehow managed to stumble onto a nascent version of his Awakened form, where his powers take over for his higher thought processes. Only unlike the Jailer Beasts, it's apparently temporary, and he doesn't even have enough mind left to follow orders when he does it."

Soundbite nodded, though he was frowning heavily. " _That's interesting,_ **but I think that** _ **we're getting off-topic.**_ **HOW DOES** _ANY OF THAT_ APPLY TO ME?"

"I… ugh, look, Soundbite, I don't _know,_ okay?" I sighed despondently. "I only ever saw _one_ usage of Awakening applied to _one_ Paramecia Devil Fruit, and that was only for a few moments! I don't know how to manifest it, or even how it would apply to you! Would it be useful? Most likely! But you wanted whatever I could offer you, and I'm afraid that that's all I've got; I'm not a Devil Fruit user. I'd recommend talking to Luffy and Robin… and maybe Lassoo, Chopper and Pierre if you want any more advice. In the end, well…" I held my bandaged hand up for him to see. "I think I've sufficiently proven that I don't know everything, right?"

Soundbite chewed on his lip for a second before nodding. " **I… I need** _time to THINK."_ And with that, he retreated into his shell.

I watched him in concern for a moment before shrugging off the new development, ultimately turning my attention back to _Gulliver's Travels_ …

"Um, Cross?"

Or at least I _tried_ to turn my attention back, anyways.

I snapped the novel shut with an annoyed growl. "The world is _never_ going to let me take reading up again, is it?" I demanded acridly.

Conis flinched self-consciously. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you—!"

"No no, it's fine, it's fine!" I hastily waved a hand placatingly, pinching the bridge of my nose as I did so. "Sorry, sorry, it's just… I used to read a lot. I enjoy the adventuring, but it's hard to be blocked so many times, you know?"

"Eh…" Conis waved her hand side to side. "Maybe? I can only imagine how I'd react if I couldn't play my harp anymore. I really can wait, if you want me to."

I sighed and put my book to the side. "Nah, go ahead and ask, I can get back to this when we're done."

Conis hesitated a moment longer before nodding. "I… I wanted to ask you more about the Blue Seas."

I goggled at her in surprise. "Eh? Seriously? What brought this on?"

Conis shrugged and rubbed her arm uncomfortably. "It was… your speech to Go—" She flinched before scowling darkly. "I mean, to _Eneru_ , talking about how this island is just a small part of the world, and he was nothing special and, well… I've been thinking about it a lot."

I sat up, giving her my full attention. "Seriously?"

The angel beamed eagerly. "Of course! You said that compared to the Blue Seas, the White Seas are a puddle and that there are so many fantastically strong people out there. I have to know, is it really as glorious as you described it to be?"

It took me a second to process this turn of events, but once I did…

I plastered a massive grin on my face. "Oh, you have absolutely _no_ idea! The Grand Line, it's…" I chuckled eagerly as I ordered my thoughts. "It's just absolutely _fantastic._ There are a million and one possibilities in this world, and down there, it's—it's like they all happen at once!"

"Wow…" Conis gasped eagerly. "What kind of possibilities?"

I gazed into the distance wistfully. "Geeze, where to even start? Every day is brand-spanking-new, bringing completely unique challenges, opportunities and experiences. Like, the very _first_ day we got into the Grand Line there was a storm—ah…" I hesitated as a thought occurred to me. "Do you guys actually get storms all the way up here?"

Conis crossed her arms and gave me a flat look. "Cross, we Skypieans might not know a lot of the Blue Seas, but even _we_ know just how mad the Grand Line's storms can be."

"Right, right, sorry." I scratched my head sheepishly. "Anyways, on our _first_ day, we experienced a stupidly massive storm that wouldn't be out of place in the Old Testament, waves more insane than the maddest of Milky Roads, a heatwave so hot it set our sails on fire, hail the size of golfballs, giant manta rays that literally _flew,_ currents that spun us around before we even noticed…"

"Wow…" The angel clasped her hands in awe. "And all that happened in a day?"

"HA!" I barked enthusiastically. "A day? That all happened in _two hours,_ absolute maximum! And sure, that was easily the wildest part of the ocean we've had to deal with so far, but it's not like the rest of our days have been any saner!"

"Two hours?" Conis breathed in amazement. "That's… I barely even know what to say!"

"And that's just the ocean! Lemme tell you about the _islands! Weeeeell, we've been to Whiskey Peak, Little Garden, Drum Isl—_ GAH!" I hastily dope-slapped Soundbite's shell, breaking off the jaunty guitar music that had started picking up. "No musical numbers, damn it!"

" _ **Fine, fine,**_ **back to** _INTROSPECTION… spoilsport."_

I grunted and rolled my eyes before being brought back to the present by Conis's starstruck look. "Just the names of those islands sound incredible! What were they like?"

I was a bit taken aback by her enthusiasm at first, but after considering my own experiences with the exhilaration of the Grand Line… "Alright," I tented my fingers eagerly. "Let's start with Whiskey Peak…"

I all but forgot about reading as I spent the next hour or so retelling our adventures to Conis with all the zeal of a devoted One Piece fan, with Soundbite adding in a few voice clips here and there to enhance the experience. And Conis took in every word with all the wide-eyed wonder of a new fan that had just discovered how incredible Goda's world was.

All too soon, though, I found myself to be winding down.

"And then, he just _shredded_ it." I slapped my hand in my palm firmly. "I mean he just stood up and blew Octavio's performance straight out of the water. I have no idea how he could have possibly done it, but somehow he just plain _did._ It was just about the most stunning thing I'd ever seen!"

"Luffy _surfing…"_ Conis breathed in wonder. "I can't even begin to imagine what such a thing would look like!"

"Heh, yeah, tell me about—"

 _THWUMP!_

" _YEOW!"_

The conversation then came to an abrupt end as a very big, very lumpy, and very _hard_ bag was tossed onto me.

"Enjoying yourself?" Zoro asked blandly

"Sonnuva— _OW!"_ I yelped as I shoved the bag of gold off, sending a dark glare at the swordsman. "Watch it, bastard! I'm still milking the injury card here!"

Zoro grinned in a thoroughly shark-like manner. "Well, if you're really in pain, I'm sure that Chopper can fix that all up with a quick shot. Want me to go and get him?"

I felt the blood drain from my face. "So many colors and none of them would listen…" I hissed fearfully.

" _ **CALLBACK!"**_ Soundbite giggled.

"Alright, alright, I'll clam it!" I swore hastily.

"Good." The swordsman jerked his thumb over his shoulder, indicating where the rest of the crew was making their way out of Nola's maw. "Then get up and help us carry the gold to the Merry."

I got up with a sigh and started to comply, before pausing as I considered things. "Waaait, why does this all seem familiar…"

"Hey, I can see Robin!" Usopp called out.

"Oh, now I remember," I deadpanned. "Hey, Zoro? Pay attention, because I'm about to give you the best chance you'll ever have to get rid of your debt to Nami."

"What the heck are you—?" Zoro started to ask.

"AAAAH! THEY'VE GOT A HUGE CANNON!"

Vivi took one look at the massive parcel the Skypieans were carrying and our swiftly panicking crewmates before slapping a hand to her face with a groan. "Oh, Horus…"

"What the—?" Zoro glanced at her in confusion before shaking his head and apparently dismissing it until later. "Cross, grab the bag and let's—Cross?" Zoro asked, seeing that I had not moved from where I was, and was giving him a look flatter than the average Self-Insert's personality.

It took Zoro all of three seconds to piece things together. Once he did, he sat down with a sigh and popped the top off of the sake jar he was holding. "How long do you think it's going to take them to figure it out?"

"I give them ten feet before they notice we're not running with them," I announced blandly. "By the by, does anyone have something to eat? I'm feeling a bit peckish."

"Here," Vivi tossed me some jerky as she sat down, which I eagerly tore into. "And five's much more likely. You're forgetting what you're sitting on."

"Uh…" Conis looked between the three of us in confusion. "What are you—?"

"CROSS!"

I bit back my go-to excuse of being injured as Nami grabbed my collar. The deranged look in her eyes more than told me that she did _not_ care. It would appear that I needed to use a bit more force for this…

"PICK UP MY GOLD AND START RUNNING ALREADY!" the demented navigator snarled.

"Never underestimate the bond between a Nami and her wealth," Zoro deadpanned.

"YOU TOO, OR I SWEAR I'LL—"

 _ **BWAAAAAAAAAH!**_

"AGH!" Nami grabbed her ears in agony… and so did Conis, Zoro, and Vivi… and the rest of the crew, to boot. Foghorns are, after all, _loud_.

" _ **JACKASS!"**_ Soundbite yowled.

"Heheh," I snickered as I slid my earphones off. "I am _loving_ this thing."

" _Cross…_ " Nami started to grit out viciously, but I held up a hand, re-donning my flat look from before.

"Nami, let's consider a few facts here, shall we? We ended a 400-year war. We freed them from six years of tyranny. And we threw them the best party they've ever had. So, what makes you think that they have any reason to want to attack us instead of rewarding us?"

"BECAUSE WE'RE STEALING THEIR GOLD!" Nami screamed.

"Nami?" Vivi held up a finger. "A few things. A: Gold isn't worth much up here in the sky. Actually, it's worth nothing, period. B: We got that gold from inside of a giant snake's stomach, where in all likelihood it never would have seen the light of day again anyway. And C: _How the hell would they know that we were taking the gold?_ "

Nami's expression fell flat as she pointed to the side.

"HEY, ROBIN, CHECK OUT ALL THE GOLD WE FOUND!" Luffy cheered loudly.

"Withdrawn," Vivi conceded calmly. "But my first two points still count."

"Let me just point this out," Zoro added. "You're actually prepared to believe that they had a weapon like _that_ stored away here, and nobody ever decided to use it? Seriously, I wouldn't expect anyone on our crew but Luffy to be that stupid."

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME STUPID?!" Nami roared.

"If he didn't, he should, Nami; you're so focused on the _chump change_ you got from Nola that you're overlooking the fact that I'm fulfilling the promise I made you," I said calmly, examining the bandages on my hands in lieu of my fingernails.

" _WHAT_ _PROMISE, CROSS?"_ Nami shrieked, just about ready to explode.

"The one I made the night Chopper joined."

Nami frowned for a minute longer before her eyes widened. She opened her mouth to speak… and then her jaw continued dropping as the gears turned in her head. She slowly turned to stare at the approaching, cloth-covered mass, putting the pieces together.

"Wait…" Nami breathed as she eyed the stupidly huge parcel the Skypieans and Shandorans were carrying. "Then you mean…"

"Uh-huh."

Nami's eyes started to unfocus and stare off into the distance. "Then they're giving us…"

"Uh-huh."

A line of drool slowly started to trail out of the corner of her mouth. "And that's all _pure…"_

"Through and through, as far as I know," I nodded in confirmation before pausing contemplatively. "Honestly? I think there's a ten-to-one chance that we'll tank the economy of whatever island we land on next if we're not careful, so— _MMPH!?"_ I was cut off by Nami grabbing my head and…

Honestly, I'm not sure _what_ happened for the next two minutes and thirteen seconds. The next thing I knew, she'd dropped me and sprinted towards the Sky-dwellers, leaving me to try and get my brain back in order. The first thing I noticed was that Sanji was… not taking whatever the hell had happened well. But I only noticed that for about two seconds before he looked about ready to pass out from joy for some reason or other.

"Dude, did I see you get some tongue?" Mikey whispered in awe.

Raphey shook her head slowly. "I don't know about this loser, but _Robin's_ certainly getting some action!"

I turned my head to look at what the rest of the crew was gaping at, and promptly dropped my jaw in turn.

" _Ooooh myyyy…"_ Soundbite drawled in a deep Asian voice.

"Right there with you, Soundbite," Vivi said weakly.

"Damn straight…" I finally managed to get out.

Well, at least I was now positive that Nami didn't have any actual romantic inclinations towards me. After all, I don't know what she did with me, but I sure as hell know that she didn't go so far as _dipping_ me.

"This is incredible," Sanji said breathily. Then he sped over to me and started to dig through my bag. "I MUST IMMORTALIZE THIS—!"

 _SLAM!_

" _Angels… I'm surrounded by angels…"_ Sanji whispered.

Conis winced sympathetically as she eyed the goose-egg growing on the cook's skull, nervously fiddling with the hammer she'd grabbed from Usopp's toolbelt. "Oooh… I'm sorry, I don't know what happened, I just—!"

"No, no, it's fine," Vivi waved her off casually. Her gaze then turned vicious. "And if anyone _else_ tries using a Vision Dial—"

"You're going to want to take a look at the Skypieans," Donny said dryly.

The princess gaped in shock as she took in the amount of lights flashing in the crowd. "What the— _does she have any idea what she's even doing!?"_

"Vivi, two wowds: Copy. Wight," Carue stated neutrally.

Vivi processed that, and sighed in long-suffering exasperation, burying her face in her hands. "…that woman is _obsessed_."

" _You're only_ _just figuring that out?!"_ demanded many of the crew, even _Luffy._

"…Um… w-wow, that's, ah… i-if you'll excuse me…" Conis stammered out before turning around and running away as fast as her legs could move her…

 _THUNK!_

"Ah, sorry, Cross!"

Though not before hitting me head-on in her haste.

"Watch it!" I groused as I rubbed the side of my body she'd hit. It was the side with my bag, to boot, so I _really_ felt it. Nevertheless, I watched her curiously as she ran off. "Wonder where she's off to in such a hurry…"

"Probably just trying to get as far away from our crew's craziness as possible," Boss said dryly before eyeing the pillar. "Anyway, while said insanity is distracting as all get out… does this mean that that thing is _gold?_ "

Nami inadvertently answered the question when she dropped Robin and singlehandedly ripped the cloth wrapping from the pillar and—

It took me a second to properly come to my senses, and when I did, I blinked up at the sky in confusion.

Why the heck was I lying on the—?

"- _EEEEEEEEE!"_

Oh, of course, that's why _fucking hell my ears!_

"Ooooowwww…" Luffy moaned piteously.

"Just throw me in the sea, no fate is crueler than this!" Lassoo whined as he clamped his paws over his ears.

" _I think I HAVE_ _ **a new attack…"**_ Soundbite bemoaned as his eyes spun about dizzily. " **ALSO TINNITUS… and maybe a little** _ **INFERIORITY COMPLEX**_ **."**

"Well, it's not like it'll come to anything," I ground out. "The only thing I can think of that would make Nami scream that loud again is—"

" _Cross,"_ Luffy warned.

"Is when we find the One Piece, assuming that it's as incredible as it's built up to be, but as you know, I don't know the details," I finished in a deadpan, and Luffy nodded.

"Moving past Nami's _painful_ euphoria… you saw _this_ coming. Would you care to tell us why we still had to go treasure hunting in that giant snake?" Zoro demanded.

' _FIVE HUNDRED MILLION! I'LL BUY HER FOR FIVE HUNDRED MILLION!'_

I shuddered with a grimace at the nightmarish voice that echoed in my head. "Because it's better to have the emergency fund ready and not need it than need it but not have it," I replied grimly, before going right back to cheerful. "But we'll get to that later; for now, I'm going to test just how money-high Nami is. HEY, NAMI! CAN I HAVE A FEW TANGERINES FROM YOUR TREES TO FEED TO THE FISH?"

The rest of the crew, Zoro and Soundbite included, froze and paled.

"HELP YOURSELF, CROSS!" she called back cheerfully.

I smirked smugly at the gobsmacked looks of my crew. That lasted for a few seconds before Chopper got past the shock and followed my example, waving his arms eagerly. "HEY, NAMI! CAN I HAVE A FEW…" Chopper trailed off slightly as he mumbled a few calculations under his breath before resuming. "MILLION BERIS IN AN EXPENSE ACCOUNT TO FUND MY EXPERIMENTS?"

"GLADLY, CHOPPER!"

Boss hesitated slightly before glancing back at his students. "If I die, donate my body to _science,_ so that they might discover the source of my manliness." He then cupped his mouth and hollered at Nami. "HEY, NAMI! MIND IF I HAVE A FEW MILLION TO BUY EXERCISE EQUIPMENT?"

"ALL YOURS, BOSS!"

The dugong pumped his fist in the air victoriously to the raucous cheering of his disciples.

Usopp was, ironically enough, the next to build up the necessary courage. "HEY, NAMI! I'M TAKING THE BAG OF GOLD I GOT FROM THE SNAKE AS PAYMENT FOR BUILDING YOUR CLIMA-TACT!"

"GO AHEAD, USOPP!"

"… Wow, she really _is_ happy," Usopp mused. He then glanced at Soundbite uneasily. "You, ah, don't hear the oncoming hoofbeats of the Four Horsemen by any chance, do you?"

"HEY, NAMI, HOW ABOUT FORGIVING MY DEBT TO YOU?!" Zoro called with a smirk.

"BURN IN HELL, SEAWEED BRAIN!" Nami called back with just as much cheer as before.

"Ah, never mind, false alarm," Usopp said in relief, while Zoro glared at me.

"Well, Option A is gone, but you'll get another chance before we leave," I said. The swordsman crossed his arms, but nodded anyways. With that aside, I left the rest of the crew to their bargaining while I walked over to Robin, who had stepped a large distance away from the pillar and Nami and was calmly writing in a notebook, though she was still blushing… and chewing on something?

"Huh. I was wondering where my jerky went," I commented.

It wasn't liquid, but damn if that wasn't the closest thing to seeing Nico Robin do a spit-take I'd ever get, and it sent me into gales of laughter.

"OK, OK, I should have warned you about that," I giggled semi-apologetically, once I got my laughing under control and registered the glare she had levelled at me. "But in my defense, I didn't see that one coming."

Robin kept her stinkeye up for a moment before dropping it with a sigh. "I would assume not, considering your own reaction to our navigator's lust for wealth going out of control." She spared said navigator a glance, taking in the fact that she was kiss—no, that was tongue— _frenching_ the pillar. "…I must admit, I still thought you were exaggerating about… this."

"Robin? The mere _idea_ of having this much gold was enough to make her _orgasm_. Mark my words, she'll be bathing buck naked in a tub full of treasure before the day is over."

Robin stared at our navigator before slowly looking back at me. "…It's quite disturbing that I don't doubt that in the least," she said, before turning her attention back to her notebook. Looking at it, I saw the symbols of the Poneglyphs within.

I smiled as I analyzed the alien arrangements of shapes and lines. It was kind of like staring at more intricate versions of AR codes from back home, really. "So, Robin… was I right? Was the hard and perilous journey worth the reward you found?"

The archaeologist promptly tensed in a way that I could only assume was her preparing to snap her notebook shut, before she slowly allowed herself to relax, loosening her vice-like grip on the book. "Yes," she whispered, though I couldn't be sure whether she was actually conscious of what she was saying. "Yes, it was."

I smiled and gripped her arm reassuringly. Then, on a whim, I leaned down so that I could examine the symbols over her shoulder. "So, think you could tell me a bit about it? I know the gist, I'll admit, but I'm curious about the exact—"

" _Roger…"_

"Eh?" I glanced up at Soundbite in confusion. "What are you—?"

" _Roger…_ _ **and**_ POSEIDON."

I was _vaguely_ aware of blood seeping into my bandages where my clenched fingers had broken the skin on Robin's shoulder. Neither of us actually reacted, however, on account of how we were too busy goggling at Soundbite in… well, it was a whole mess of emotions, really.

The snail, for his part, was entirely oblivious, staring at the page with a cocked eyestalk.

" _Poseidon…_ _ **ain't that the GREEK GOD OF—WHEGH!?"**_

"SHHHHUT IT!" I ground out desperately as I grabbed his tongue, ignoring his attempts to bite my fingers off.

"Soundbite…" Robin croaked once she managed to get her voice working again. "How were you able to read what's _written on this page?"_

I reluctantly let the gastropod go, allowing him to hack and spit for a second before glaring at me. He then rolled his eyes before renewing his curious gaze at the book. " _I didn't._ _ **Well… I don't THINK I**_ **did?** THOSE WERE _JUST THE_ _ **NAMES I HEARD."**_

I felt as though a block of dry ice had been dropped into my stomach. "When you say _heard…"_ I started slowly.

Soundbite shrugged inasmuch as he could. "DUNNO. **Just… whispers? I GUESS?** _I'm hearing the names_ _ **ROGER and Poseidon**_ _FROM THE BOOK_ AND SOMEWHERE IN THE DISTANCE." He tilted his head contemplatively. " _Probably something_ _ **about a**_ **PRINCESS, TOO,** _ **I THINK?**_ " He jabbed his eyestalks in the direction the Skypieans had come from before frowning contemplatively and glancing back at Nola. " **Also hearing something from the SNAKE, KINDA.** _ **CAN'T MAKE ANYTHING**_ _out, but it's weird. YA KNOW, 'CAUSE IT'S_ _ **an amphibious Sea King**_ **AND NO ONE SPEAKS THAT."**

It took all I had to keep myself from sinking to my knees in sheer shock. "Soundbite… YOU CAN—!" I barely cut myself off from yelling before continuing in a desperate whisper. " _You can hear the Voice of All motherfucking Things_?!"

" _The what?"_ both he and Robin asked, both of them making the decision to keep their voices down. Somehow, I managed to organize my thoughts enough to put out a decent summary.

"I don't know many details, but it's one of the most dangerous powers in existence. I mean, Gol D. Roger had it, and it let him do things in moments that took you years to learn! He couldn't read the Poneglyphs, but apparently he could _hear_ their meaning!" I jabbed a finger at Nola. " _Just like how he unwittingly heard the voices of Sea Kings en route to Fishman Island!"_

Both Soundbite and Robin clearly comprehended the implications of what I was saying, and meanwhile, I was running a hand through my hair, trying to fathom this. "But I don't understand… with how freaking rare the power is, I wouldn't expect any Transponder Snail to have it—"

" **HEY!** " Soundbite barked indignantly.

"Soundbite," I growled back. "There are only two people I know of who ever had the ability to hear the Voice of All Things: the past Pirate King, and the _future one!_ _That's_ the magnitude I'm talking about for rarity!"

Soundbite quieted as that sunk in, while Robin focused more on another part of my statement, slowly turning to look in the direction of the rest of our crew. "Then… Luffy can…?"

"I severely doubt that he's unlocked it yet, but yes," I confirmed quietly, still trying to fathom exactly how Soundbite could possibly have an ability apparently reserved for the king of the world. I mean, what did he—?

"…holy crap, the Noise-Noise Fruit," I breathed in realization.

"Soundbite's powers?" Robin questioned in disbelief.

"Yeah!" I nodded in agreement, gaining vigor as I convinced myself of it. "I mean, think about it: he can hear _everything_ in his range, and his powers are already amped by his species. Assuming he was straining his powers a lot during all the shit that went down yesterday—!"

"YOU TRY _listening for every crackle_ **of lightning in this PLACE AND NOT** _ **BLEEDING FROM THE EARHOLES…"**_ Soundbite groused.

"Then maybe it's possible that Soundbite pushed himself so hard that he made something just… I dunno, click? It could possibly also be so indistinct because he doesn't have Observation Haki ye—!" I suddenly chopped my hand at Soundbite, prompting him to snap back into his shell with a terrified shriek. "Yeah, he definitely doesn't have it yet."

" _ **JERK!"**_ Soundbite raged.

"Cross…" Robin warned me.

"Hey, what do you want me to say?" I shrugged helplessly. "This is something I know _barely_ _anything_ about, and what little I do is almost entirely guesswork and hearsay."

"I understand that better than anyone, Cross. That's not what I'm talking about," she ground out.

"Eh? Then what?"

"I am starting to lose feeling in my arm, and will call Sanji unless you release me in three, two—"

"MEEP!" I hastily unlatched my fingers from where I'd been digging them into her shoulder. "Sorry!"

Robin rolled her shoulder and flexed her fingers. "No, it's fine. I most likely would have done worse to you if I were in your shoes." She then proceeded to give Soundbite a cool look. "Now, while we can't exactly do much about or with Soundbite's newfound abilities for the moment, I trust you know as well as I do that we need to do _something_ to contain this… new development."

"Way ahead of you," I waved her off before taking Soundbite off my shoulder and holding him in my palm in order to give him a serious look. "Alright, Soundbite, listen carefully: I've been lenient on you blurting out secrets in the past, and I'll admit that when it comes to serious stuff you tend to keep your mouth shut, but right here, right now? This is life and death. You cannot, _cannot_ speak the name 'Poseidon' _at all_ , no matter what, in any context whatsoever, understood?"

"HUH?" Soundbite leaned his head back in confusion. " _ **But why!?"**_

"Poseidon is the name of one of three Ancient Weapons from the Blank Century eight hundred years ago," Robin explained solemnly. "Alongside Pluton, which Crocodile sought, and Uranus—"

"Laugh and I will _eviscerate_ you," I solemnly promised the gastropod, wiping the nascent snicker from his face.

"Any one of these weapons is entirely capable of destroying or rearranging the world as we know it. The public reason why the World Government made researching Poneglyphs illegal is that some of them hold information as to the whereabouts of these weapons. It's not the whole reason…" Robin sighed despondently, a finger absentmindedly scratching at her chest. "But I can't in good conscience say it's not a valid one…"

I spared her a sympathetic wince before renewing my look at Soundbite. "If the World Government were to learn that you know even a shred of information about the Weapons from the Blank Century… suffice to say they'd rain hellfire down on us, and I am being one-hundred percent _literal_ here."

" **WHAT!?"** Soundbite demanded. "BUT I BARELY _KNOW SQUAT AND I'm not planning on using it any—_ **oooohhhh…"** The snail suddenly trailed off in an understanding tone. " _ **They would not give**_ **a damn about ANY OF THAT,** _ **WOULD THEY?"**_

"Now you get it," I confirmed with a nod. "Now, look: if you breathe so much as a word of what you've learned to anyone besides us, you'll be irreversibly ruining a lot of lives. So, for the time being, you need to pretty much forget even hearing the name 'Poseidon'. Got it?"

Soundbite nodded with the utmost solemnity, and thankfully, I believed him.

"Alright, then…" I nodded absentmindedly as I placed him back on my shoulder.

"Cross, while we're on the subject… how much do _you_ know about the Ancient Weapons?" Robin asked.

I hesitated slightly before answering, starting to tick off my fingers. "Uranus, I don't know anything about, though the name makes me think it's probably the strongest of the three, and given the naming themes, probably based upon the sky. Pluton, I have the vaguest suspicions as to what it is. And Poseidon…" I grimaced and shuddered miserably. "Not as much of the details as you, I'm sure, but I know that if anyone were to start investigating, Fishman Island would be _razed."_

Robin actually _paled,_ a look of raw terror crossing her face. " _It's been—!?"_

"Yes, but it's almost completely under wraps, she has little to no clue how to activate it, and she's one of the most gentle and innocent individuals in the world," I hastily reassured her.

I suddenly found a phantom limb wrapped around my neck as Robin loomed over me. " _Almost_ under wraps?" she repeated.

"O-one jackass outside of her family, just one!" I stammered out desperately as I tugged at the limb. "He's not sharing the intel, and he's incompetent enough that he'd be no threat without his Devil Fruit powers! He's been trying to achieve the same Catch-22 plot for _years!_ Hell, he's the _reason_ she's the most protected mermaid alive!"

Robin processed that slowly. Then, to my relief, the hand vanished. "Then I assume that for the time being, we should forget that this conversation ever happened?"

"My thoughts exactly," I agreed. She nodded, and a glance at Soundbite showed that he shared the understanding. Robin sighed.

"Well, so far, this has been the most emotional day I've had for the last several years… and you're enjoying it, aren't you?"

I grinned cheekily. "Who, me? Excited over how I've managed to break your Ice Queen facade like I'm armed with an icepick? _Perish_ the thought. Now, come on," I waved forwards as I started walking towards where the rest of the crew was assembled around the pillar. "Let's get back to our friends; something serious must be going on if they didn't notice any of this."

" _OH,_ **it's serious, ALRIGHT!** _ **DIVIDING**_ _THE PLUNDER!"_ Soundbite crowed.

Robin watched me for a second before sighing and following along. "Well, if we must…" she cocked an eyebrow when I chuckled slightly. "What?"

I widened my grin eagerly. "You didn't redefine them as crewmates when I called them our friends."

The last glimpse I got of her face before she froze in place was a look of poleaxed realization, and it was _glorious._

But alas, my attention then turned to the more conspicuous of the uncommon events occurring to us: our rubber-brained captain in a shouting match with our gold-tonguing navigator.

"COME ON, NAMI, WE'VE GOT ALL THAT GOLD, DON'T BE STINGY! THIS IS FRAUD, DAMN IT!" Luffy yelled.

"STINGY!? I'M LETTING THE CREW HAVE _TEN PERCENT_ OF ALL THE GOLD WE'VE FOUND! THAT'S NOT STINGY, THAT'S GENEROUS BEYOND ALL BELIEF!" Nami snarled irately.

"I don't know what's scarier, the fact that I think she believes that or the fact that when it comes to her, it's actually _true,"_ Donny muttered beneath his breath before hastily ducking under a kick from Sanji.

"THAT'S NOT EVEN ENOUGH FOR HALF OF MY MEAT SUPPLY! WE NEED AT LEAST EIGHTY PERCENT!"

"Ugh, you and that stupid appetite… FINE, TWELVE PERCENT!"

"NINETY PERCENT!"

" _YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY, DUMBASS!"_

"I'm just following your modus operandi!" Luffy retorted.

"Ah…" Nami paused. "Alright, fair enough…" Then she frowned in confusion. "Wait, modus—?"

"Anyways, maybe we can compromise with a hundred and five percent?"

" _I WILL CUT YOU!"_ Nami snarled, brandishing a very familiar sword as she prepared to draw it.

"Wha—KITETSU?! _GIVE ME BACK MY SWORD, WOMAN!"_ Zoro demanded.

"Are you really going to pretend that that hell-blade _doesn't_ probably enjoy being wielded by people with her current state of mind?" I deadpanned.

"…withdrawn," Zoro conceded only semi-reluctantly.

"Alright! 200%, that's my final offer!" Luffy declared.

It was an unholy screech that was likely to wake Calgara himself that tore out of our navigator's throat, and she ripped the blade out of its sheath—

"DOUBLE FIVE SQUARED PERCENT!"

"DEAL!" Only for her to whoop and swing the blade around so that it was pointing at—

" _Vivi!?"_ I and pretty much all of the crew minus a yet-euphoric Nami blurted in confusion.

"Put it there," the princess said, extending her hand with a winning smile.

"Heeheeheehee! Sucker!" Nami squealed ecstatically as she grabbed her friend's hand and shook it vigorously. "Now I have—!"

"Fifty percent of the gold, yes," Vivi confirmed calmly, her voice never changing inflection.

"—fifty— _WHAT!?"_ Nami screamed in shock, letting go of Vivi's hand as though it were a live eel. "But-but-but that's not what you said, you said five per—!"

"No, I said _double_ _five squared percent,"_ Vivi corrected, still entirely unfazed.

Nami promptly dropped Kitetsu the Third—which drew an angered "HEY!" from Zoro that she ignored—in favor of counting on her fingers and muttering under her breath in a manic tone. Without warning, she suddenly froze and _sloooowly_ looked up, a thoroughly haunted look in her eyes.

"What just happened?" she whispered in horror.

"Oh, nothing much," Vivi said sweetly. "I just demonstrated exactly how good of a negotiator I can be. After all, if I can make _you_ agree to a 50/50 split…"

She let it hang there, and I slowly began clapping, with Zoro and several others following my example.

"So, was that good, Vivi?" Luffy asked with a grin.

"You did very well, Luffy," Vivi smiled as she patted our captain's back. "You'll be getting a full five percent of that for your diet."

"WOO!" Luffy pumped his fists in the air. "That's four percent more than what I usually get!"

Nami whimpered unintelligibly. I can't be sure, but I _think_ she might have had something of a stroke at that point. I wish I could have let the moment go on longer; it was funny in a twisted sort of way, but we had bigger things to worry about.

"Alright, as amusing as this is, I need to insist on ninety percent of what we get from the pillar being set aside for no—AGH!"

" _Say that again, Cross, I_ dare _you…"_ Nami snarled, hauling me a full three feet off the air by my collar. I swear, the World Government would have given her Robin's epithet in a heartbeat if they could see the look on her face. But nevertheless, I forced down my fear and forged on.

"N-Nami, t-this isn't for something that _I_ want, it's for something that _all of us NEED._ Now, are you going to let me explain the _exact_ gravity of the situation…" I started to trail my hand towards my bag. "Or do I need to break you out of your blood rage the hard way?"

"NO!" screamed… pretty much everyone else on the crew, and everyone else in earshot, to boot. Upon seeing that Nami was waiting for me to speak, I turned to our sniper.

"Usopp. Tell them what's at stake here," I said.

Usopp gulped as all attention—including Nami's rage—was directed at him. He glared at me for a few seconds, but then shook his head with a sigh. "I shouldn't be angry, I _want_ to explain this myself…" he muttered to himself as his expression hardened. "Guys, you need to know this. Remember how the Merry was repaired back to its original state before the Survival Game started?"

Our crewmates looked between one another in confusion. "Uh, yeah?" Vivi finally nodded slowly in agreement. "We were all really impressed by how well you and Cross did, what about it?"

"Well, see, that's the thing…" Usopp bowed his head and cupped his chin solemnly. "The fact is… Cross didn't do a lot that night, and I wasn't a part of the repairs until midway through myself. Someone _else_ repaired the Merry, and restored her to her original state."

"So, what, are you saying that we owe them money for that? Because I'm not giving—" Nami began angrily.

" _Shut up, Nami,"_ Usopp, Soundbite, and I cut her off frigidly, our tone of voice even going so far as to freeze Sanji, causing the navigator to let me go.

"OW!"

Alright, so maybe 'drop' was a more appropriate word.

"Look, Nami…" Usopp stated solemnly. "We don't owe the person who repaired the Merry anything except our utmost gratitude, because… because…" the sniper bit his lip in an effort to keep his emotions under control.

I sighed heavily as I stood up, arms crossed and head bowed. "It was the Merry," I revealed. "The Merry manifested a body and repaired _herself."_ I promptly snapped a hand up. "And before anyone says anything, take the last 72 hours into account."

Everyone looked confused at first… then understanding… then contemplative… and finally, _dumbfounded._

"…she actually manifested a Klabautermann, didn't she?" Sanji whispered in awe.

I nodded gravely. "It was the whole reason that I pulled that stunt with the ghost story: so that you all would dogpile me and give me a valid excuse to be onboard her that night. I hoped to feign not knowing she would manifest, and it worked." I grimaced, trying to keep a hold on my emotions. "I… I met her. I talked to her, I _helped_ her. A- _and_ — _tsk…_ " I snapped my teeth shut miserably.

Damn it, my voice broke. I pressed a hand to my forehead, trying to stay strong, but… but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't keep the memories of Merry's death out of my mind. Memories of wood splitting, of fires blazing… and that… well, if Oda himself couldn't keep from crying at that part, how was I supposed to when I was witnessing the lead-up to it first-freaking-hand?!

It was too much for me; I collapsed, sobbing just like I had the night I told them my secret. "…Even after everything I've tried… she's one step away from the point of no return. She's dying," I whispered.

The crew reacted as one. Some in defiance, some in horror… but the one constant that was present was pure, unabated shock.

"D-dying?" Chopper asked, tearing up.

"No way, that's not possible!" Luffy denied firmly. "The Merry's strong, she's great, she's—!"

"Still from the East Blue, Captain," Zoro finished solemnly.

"Zoro!" Vivi cut in in a scandalized tone.

"She was built for a normal ocean, Vivi," Nami croaked, her lust-induced rage long gone and her gaze somewhat far off. "She was built for the East Blue, the weakest of the four Blues. Not the hell that the Grand Line has been throwing at us since we left Reverse Mountain."

"Unfortunately, Princess, Nami and the Mosshead are right," Sanji sighed, blowing out a puff of smoke. "People grow past injuries and get stronger… but for ships, the injuries just keep piling up, never healing."

"Then… Merry's nearing the end of her line…" Boss said quietly, unusually somber.

"But she's not there yet," Usopp snapped, more serious than any of us had ever seen him, despite the tears in his eyes. "We still have a chance to save her. Sailing with us all this time, she got a dream of her own: to stay with us, to go on adventures with us even with her… limitations," he forced out the word. "And Cross promised her that we'd find a way to make that happen."

I jerked my head away as I felt a cool look burn into me from where Robin was standing. "It was a stupid promise that I should never have made, Usopp." I got to my feet and weathered the rest of the crew looking at me with expressions between anger, shock, and outright disapproval. "Come off it, all of you. I know it sounds bad, but facts are facts: I made a promise _I can't guarantee I can keep._ I mean…" I gripped my head miserably. "Believe me, I want to see the Merry survive just as much as any of you, but realistically? Look at me." I spread my arms. "Look at my track record. I'm making differences, sure, but in the long run all I'm doing is a mere blip. The long and skinny of it is that things are still trudging along as per normal. And while there have been some good changes…" I nodded at the Dugongs and Lassoo, before frowning at Vivi and Carue. "There have been some bad ones, too. When all's said and done, I… I just don't know if the best I can do is going to be good enough."

"Tell me this, Cross," Usopp said, about as angry as when he dueled Luffy. "Do you have _any_ kind of plan in mind for how to do this? Do you have _any_ ideas?"

"Of course I do!" I snapped. "And it's the best chance in the world that we're going to get, but—"

"Then that'll work," Usopp interrupted firmly, crossing his arms. "We have a chance for it to work, so we'll all _make it_ work."

I stared at him silently for a moment before sighing in defeat. "Well, shit, it's hard to argue with that attitude…" But nonetheless, I decided to try, starting with a firm glare. "But knowing Merry, I trust that she already told you that if, _if_ this chance fails… you need to be prepared to let go, right? Because if you hang on, if you go past the pale on this… we will never forget the consequences."

Usopp tensed at my words, biting his lip. I noted nervously that drops of blood were falling from his fingernails, which were out-and-out burrowed in his palms. Finally, he replied.

"If we've done _everything_ that we can, exhausted every option we've got, and it's not enough… then I'll let go. But not _any_ sooner than that," he swore.

"My thoughts exactly," I nodded, and then looked back at our navigator. "Nami, for the chance I have in mind—"

"Cross, I might have something of an obsession, and I know that I might act like it sometimes, but _don't_ think that I'm really heartless," Nami cut me off frigidly. "The whole of the gold is for the Merry first. We'll split things 40-60—"

"Fifty-fifty," Vivi interrupted flatly.

Nami grimaced and shuddered in revulsion. " _That way_ with whatever's left. But first we find out how much of it the Merry needs."

I nodded gratefully before turning a contemplative gaze on the pillar. "Then I guess the only question that remains is how much of this we'll be leaving behi— _HRK!"_ I scrabbled at the iron-like hand that was _lifting me off the GROUND BY MY THROAT OH FUCK!_

" _I will feast on your entrails!"_ Nami hissed in a voice reserved for the damned, a truly unholy light blazing in her eyes.

The Latin chanting Soundbite was adding didn't help matters, either.

"Nami," Usopp cut in, still locked in serious mode, a serious mode that was harshly shaken when Nami turned her hellish gaze upon him. Nevertheless, he swallowed heavily and powered through. "I-If we t-try taking that whole thing, Merry will sink as soon as we get back to the Blue Sea. Heck, it would probably drag us straight through the White Sea itself!"

Nami stilled, and slowly released her grasp on me, allowing me to land somewhat gracefully… or as gracefully as a person could when they fell on their ass. Her expression was dark. "…Usopp. Go and find out _exactly_ how much space we can spare on the Merry that _won't_ compromise her. If we miss a single square inch that we can spare, then I give you my word…" She lashed her hand out and nigh-upon crushed Usopp's shoulder to a pulp, causing him to whimper. " _I will empty you out and use your sorry hide as a sack, do I make myself clear?"_

"Y-y-y-yes m-ma'am," Usopp whimpered.

" _THEN GET GOING!"_ she roared, and I swear that Usopp _Shaved_ away. And with that, Nami's rage evaporated, and she fell on the pillar, embracing it as though it were her own child and quietly crying. "Oh, my dear, sweet gold… what can we do with the rest of you?" she sobbed.

It would have been almost heartwarming, were it not for the fact that she was basically committing the greatest act of avarice I'd ever seen in my life and… well…

"Am I the only one seeing her _dry hump_ that thing?" I asked queasily.

"Unfortunately, you're not," Lassoo deadpanned. "Seriously, she's doing it better than most of my kind…"

"Students, take note of this moment, for it holds a most valuable lesson," Boss moaned as he slapped a flipper over his eyes. "What is seen… can never be _un-_ seen…"

"Aye-aye, Boss…" the students groaned.

"Will somebody _please_ find some way to stop her before she destroys what little dignity she has left?" Vivi groaned as she slapped her hands over her eyes.

"Way ahead of you, Vivi," Zoro said. I uncovered my eyes and looked at him. Then I did a double-take and saw that he was holding all three of his swords and heading towards the pillar.

"MOSSHEAD—!" Sanji began furiously.

"Can it, cook, I'm not going to touch her. But I've been thinking about this move for a while, and I finally figured out how to pull it off it during all the craziness yesterday," Zoro said with a grin before dashing towards the center of the pillar, a fair distance away from Nami.

"Three Sword Style BURST: FIVE-SENSE RAVAGER!" he called out before letting out a very precise series of thin flying slashes at the pillar, drawing Nami's attention away from her grief. Said grief promptly evaporated into indignancy, then devolved into anger, before finally exploding into outright ecstasy. The crew as a whole, even Sanji, gaped: the result of Zoro's slashes, carved on the pillar and clearly visible from any distance, was unmistakably the Straw Hat Pirates' Jolly Roger.

"Zoro…" she breathed numbly, tears glistening in her eyes. "It's… _it's…"_

"Mine."

Nami's head promptly snapped a truly unhealthy ninety degrees to the side so that she could glare brimstone at Zoro. " _WHAT WAS THAT?"_ she rumbled viciously.

Zoro was entirely unfazed as he replaced his blades in their sheaths. "Nobody officially claimed this thing yet. Not you, not Robin, not anyone. Up until this moment, this pillar was free gold. But now that I've marked it, I've brought it into the crew myself. As such, it's my share entirely. And as my share, I've decided to give it… to you." The swordsman grinned in a truly triumphant manner. "I'd say this about covers my debt, wouldn't you?"

And just like that, the flame in Nami just… _died._ Like some great divine being had reached out and snuffed it out. She just _stood there,_ swaying on her feet and looking somewhat dead to the world. Slowly, she turned her eyes to the pillar, then to Zoro, then to the pillar yet again before ultimately returning to Zoro. Her mouth flapped like a beached fish, trying to find words where there were none. For almost a minute she did this… until all the muscles in her body tensed as one, her eyes rolled up in her head and she keeled over backwards.

"NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji cried as he rushed to her side.

I cocked an eyebrow as I watched her shudder on the ground, foam bubbling out of her mouth. "Wow. This… this is something else entirely."

"Ahh…" Carue slowly raised a wing. "I'm confused… is she haffing a hawt attack, a stwoke, ow an aneuwysm?"

Chopper dug a penlight out of his bag and shone it in her eyes. Well, the whites of her eyes anyways. "Unless I miss my guess? All three at once."

"Isn't any one of those potentially fatal, Mister Tony?" Robin asked uneasily.

"Oh, yeah, that's completely right," Chopper started to nod… before flipping out and waving his hooves frantically. "AAAAAH! WE NEED A DOCTOR! WE NEED A— _NO, WAIT!"_ Chopper suddenly froze and whipped out a massive syringe from his bag, brandishing it with a demented smile. " _I_ AM _A DOCTOR!"_

 _THWACK!_

"OW!…thanks, Sanji."

"You're welcome. _NOW, HELP NAMI-SWAN!"_

"O-ON IT!"

 **-o-**

Ultimately, by the time Chopper managed to wake up Nami, Usopp had come back with a thoroughly triple-checked survey of the Merry's holding capacity. Men's room, women's room, dining room, kitchen, storage, he had inspected everywhere on the ship that was indoors, correctly reasoning that Nami wouldn't want any of her gold in the open where anyone could potentially see and steal it.

With the amount established, we measured out the pillar, double-checking that we were right before Zoro sliced off the amount that we were capable of carrying. We'd also taken the time to have Chopper stuff Nola's nostrils with an anesthetic he cooked up, allowing the crew to re-enter her stomach without worry and gather up every last piece of gold they could locate, practically doubling the amount of 'loose change' we managed to gather, if you could define a heaping pile of gold as such.

In the end, it took Zoro, Luffy, and Sanji working together to haul the full-sized fortune back to the Merry, where Zoro and Leo began carving it up under Usopp's direction.

The rest of us, however, found ourselves distracted by the unexpected guest that awaited us on the deck of the Merry, standing beside a few crates. "So, I take it that you're leaving?" Conis smiled expectantly.

"Afraid so, Conis," I said, smiling wistfully. "We'd love to stay, but in the end, well… we _are_ pirates. It's time for us to set sail for the next great adventure on the Blue Sea. You here to see us off?"

"Because if so, I'm so glad you did!" Sanji swooned eagerly. "For what better way is there to leave heaven than to be bid goodbye by an angel?"

"Heaven my still burnt-smelling fur…" Lassoo grumbled as he padded up the gangplank. "If anyone needs me, I'll be sleeping."

" **Big surprise…"** Soundbite rolled his eyes.

"Either way, it's been _really_ great knowing you, Conis," Vivi smiled as she held the angel's hands. "We know that things started up rough, but you've been a great friend. I doubt we could have done even half as much as we did without your help."

Conis smiled back gratefully. "That's kind of you to say, Vivi, and you've all done incredible things up here I doubt I can ever repay you for. But!" She stuck up a finger proudly. "I'd like to think that I can at least start by giving you one final present before you go."

"Oh, yeah?" Nami warily eyed the crates beside Conis. "Well, it better not be too big. In case you haven't noticed, we're already a bit pressed for space as is."

Conis glanced at the block of metal that we were in the midst of dismantling. "So I can see…" she started uneasily before shaking her head and smiling confidently. "But I took the liberty of looking your ship over, and I think that your weapons room has enough space for what I'm giving you."

The whole crew, myself included, swapped confused looks until I slowly looked back at Conis. "What… exactly are you giving us, Conis?" I asked slowly.

Her smile widened eagerly as she flipped the lid of the biggest of the crates. "A gunner."

I gazed into the box with awe. "Oh, holy shit."

Lassoo abruptly appeared next to me, panting eagerly. "I am suddenly _very_ interested in these developments!" he barked eagerly.

Laying before us was a bazooka. And not just any bazooka, mind you, I _recognized_ this piece of hardware: it was a full-blown _Burn_ Bazooka, packed into the crate with straw like you see in gun deals on crime sh—

I froze as a thought struck me before slowly opening up the rest of the crates. I boggled at the sight that met me. "Allow me to reiterate. Holy _shit."_

"Woooow…" Luffy and Chopper breathed in agreement.

That sentiment accurately summarized the opinions of the crew in general, because packaged before us was nothing short of a legitimate _arsenal_ of weaponry from all walks of life. It was enough that Usopp, Zoro, and Leo turned their attention back to us, leaving the pillar half-carved as they examined the plethora of death-dealers.

A crate of pistols here, a box of rifles there, shotguns over there, and pretty much everything in-between everywhere else! From Blue Sea weaponry to Dial-based firearms, we were packing merely by being in the _proximity_ of this much raw tonnage!

"Well, this isn't something you see every day…" Sanji whistled as he picked out a pistol and looked it over.

Mikey, meanwhile, was much more enthusiastic, picking up a bazooka and perching it on his shoulder. "HAHA! Oh, man, this is _awesome!_ I think we've got enough firepower here to topple a small kingdom!"

"Awe you kidding?" Carue snorted incredulously. "Twust me, if Bawoque Wowks showed me anything, it's that with da wight pwanning, you could conqah an _avewage_ kingdom with this much fiyahpowah!"

"So _coo~l!"_ the orange-bandanna'd Dugong breathed nevertheless.

" _Thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!"_ Usopp repeated endlessly as he spun Conis around in a hug, while Lassoo did his best to try to lick her face off.

I finally managed to tear my gaze away from the weapons in favor of gaping at Conis in shock. "Where the hell did you even _find_ this much firepower?!" I asked numbly.

The angel wrenched herself away from Usopp and Lassoo and wiped herself off before replying. "Well, you see, Cross, Skypiea and the Shandorians have both amassed something of an arsenal over the past few centuries, and now that the war is over, neither side wants to keep more than they really have to." She then grinned sheepishly as she dug through into her pocket. "Of course, to seal the deals, I did have to offer _something_ that they would be willing to trade for, which you thankfully provided." She took out a Dial and a few sheets of paper and handed them to me. I took one look at them… and promptly burst out laughing.

"Oh-hoh, my _God!"_ I cackled ecstatically. "Oh, man, that's just _brilliant! I—!_ …I…" I trailed off slowly before slapping a hand to my forehead in realization. "Ah, shit, I'm an _idiot."_

"Huh? What is it?" Usopp asked in confusion as he tried to look over my shoulder.

"I'm assuming that you traded for Dials using rubber bands and got a pretty good haul, right?" I asked as I pinched the bridge of my nose.

"Oh, yeah, a really good haul! A few Breath Dials, a Tone Dial, a Flash Dial, a Heat Dial, a Flavor Dial, and I even got another Impact Dial! Oh, and that reminds me, Cross," he said, snapping into a businesslike tone. "Your new armor's coming along, but it'll be a little while; I've almost finished the left gauntlet, which is designed so that you can put a Flash Dial in it, but I'm still working on a way to safely incorporate the Impact Dial in the right one. I've almost got it to the point where it'll just feed the recoil back into the Dial, so you won't have to worry about tearing your muscles apart, and the Dial will just keep getting stronger every time you use it!" He grimaced uncomfortably. "Though you'll probably want to discharge it full-out sooner or later, or else it could actually overwhelm the feedback system and… well, I don't _think_ your arms can get any worse, but let's not find out."

"That's really good to hear, Usopp, thanks," I said with a sincere smile before scowling darkly. "But what I was trying to get at was that while you made a killing with rubber bands, you could have cleaned out everyone on this island with _this."_ I held the picture up for him to see.

Everyone gazed up at the picture for all of three seconds. Then everyone, even Conis herself, fell over laughing.

I snorted darkly as I lowered my hand, though I did puff my cheeks out in a chuckle when I caught sight of the picture. Honestly, it's not like I could blame them! You'd have to be completely emotionless not to find a live-action version of Eneru freaking out completely drop-dead _hilarious._

"Heheheh, yeah. Complete missed opportunity, but it looks like Conis saw the significance of me managing to… snap a… picture you stole my Vision Dial when you 'bumped' into me didn't you," I concluded flatly as I turned back towards Conis.

Conis wiped the tears from her eyes with a snicker before nodding firmly. "Y-yeah, sorry about that. I just wanted to surprise you all, and that was the easiest way for me to do it."

I _tried_ to frown for a second, but I ultimately abandoned the effort with a sigh and a smile. "Bah, screw it, no harm no foul, and at least someone made a profit with that thing. Would have been a shame for a work of art like that to go to waste."

"I agree completely," Nami chuckled. "We need to frame that thing ASAP, I'll never get enough of seeing that arrogant son of a bitch's face when Luffy showed him up!"

"That one is good, yes, but I personally like the other one better," Conis said, tugging another paper she gave me out from under that picture. Everyone's laughter renewed when we saw the absolutely _epic_ sight of Luffy kicking Eneru in the gut. Even Robin couldn't stay on her feet.

"Heheh, heee…" I wheezed out, wiping away a tear before hefting a bazooka from its crate and looking it over again. "Well, anyway, thanks a lot for this armory, Conis. It's probably going to take us a while to learn how to use it, but once we do—!"

I was interrupted by Conis hunching over in a renewed fit of giggling.

Soundbite and I exchanged confused glances. " **Ahh… am I** _missing something?"_ the snail asked hesitantly.

"Only if I am, too…" I shrugged helplessly.

"Heheh…" Conis stood back up as she got her laughter back under control, hiding her smile behind her hand. "I'm sorry for laughing at you, Cross, it's just that it seems you misheard me when I told you what my gift was!"

"Huh?" I blinked in confusion. "What are you—?"

" _ **SON OF A BITCH!"**_ Soundbite roared without warning.

"What, what is it?" I asked.

Soundbite gaped at Conis in shock. "S-S-SHE _didn't_ _say she was_ _ **giving us guns!"**_

"What?!" Boss scoffed. "That's crazy, of course she did, we all heard her!"

"Actually, Soundbite's right," Conis cut in promptly. "I didn't say that I was giving you guns. I said I was giving you a gun- _ner."_

One by one, everyone's eyes started to widen as the beri dropped.

"Conis…" Vivi breathed, obviously unable to believe what she was hearing. "What exactly are you trying to say?"

Conis smiled eagerly before snatching the bazooka I was holding from my hands, slinging its strap around her body and flipping the gun over so that she was holding it in an upside-down underslung style. She capped the whole display off by expertly cocking the weapon.

"I'm saying that, considering I know how to use all of these weapons, I'd like to become your crew's gunner!" Conis announced proudly… before shrinking in on herself, hands folded behind her back as she scuffed at the floor with a sheepish smile. "I-If you'll have me, that is…"

For what felt like an absolute eternity, there was nothing but absolute silence. Nobody even so much as reacted when a South Bird flew over us, "JO JO JO"ing without so much as a care in the world.

Finally, however, the crew reacted appropriately.

Half of the reactions, of course, fell somewhere in the " _WHAAAT!?"_ end of the spectrum. The other half, however, varied in predictability:

"OF COURSE, SWEET CONIS, WE'RE GLAD TO HAVE YOU!" Sanji sang.

"WOO, GIRL POWER!" Raphey exclaimed, pumping her fists.

"What have I done, what have I done, what have I done…" I mumbled on repeat as I tried to wrap my head around events.

Usopp jabbed his elbow into Zoro's side in order to break him out of his stupor before holding out his palm. "Pay up."

"Tsk," the swordsman snarled as he dug a wad of bills out of his pocket and slapped them in Usopp's hand. "Out of one hole and into another. I'll get you the rest as soon as we reach land.

"Just make sure the money doesn't have blood on it," Usopp deadpanned as he counted out the cash.

"And I thought the women's quarters were somewhat cramped _before…"_ Robin sighed.

"Oh, don't worry, Robin," Vivi groaned as she ground her fingers into her temple. "Nami's going to be sleeping in storage with most of the gold."

Nami opened her mouth angrily, and then let it hang as a line of drool dribbled from the corner of her mouth, a euphoric giggle drifting out.

"Is it just me, or have all of the additions to our crew since me been people being pushy?" Chopper muttered to himself.

Finally, Boss managed to snap out of his shock and focus intently on Conis, who had thus far been thoroughly bemused by our display. "Conis…" he began. "Didn't you say that you wanted to give us this gift to repay us? Because I'll tell you now, Luffy's sort of particular about that sort of thing."

Conis waved her hands with a panicked expression. "Oh, nonono! It's nothing like that, I swear! When I said I was doing this to repay you, I just meant that that was why you all were my first choice! Well, that and because you're my friends, of course…" She was a bit sheepish for a moment before shaking her head and clenching her fists, eyes blazing with determination. "But even if you won't let me join you, then I'll just join the next crew who comes up here, or… or I'll even travel over Cloud's End myself! Either way…" She crossed her arms and looked away sadly. "Either way, I'm going, and… and I'd really like nothing more than to go with you all."

Luffy grinned eagerly. "Of course!"

"Luffy!" Nami cut in with a sharp glare at our captain before giving Conis a concerned look. "I… look, Conis, I'm not complaining about this, I swear, I know better than anyone what it's like to make this kind of decision and I doubt you reached your conclusion lightly, but…" She spread her arms helplessly. "How did this happen? How did you go from the girl we met playing her harp on the beach to, well… _you?"_

"Well…" Conis bit her lip hesitantly for a second before looking at… me!? "It's actually because of Cross."

Nami, Zoro and Vivi promptly slapped hands to their faces. "Of course it is…" they chorused flatly.

I was too shocked to be pissed. "Wha— _ME!?"_ I blurted incredulously. "Y-you mean what I said a few—!?"

"No, no, not that!" Conis shook her head hastily. "That was just to remove any doubts I had left about wanting to do this, and you did that wonderfully. I… I meant _earlier._ When…" She closed her eyes as a shudder wracked her body. "When Eneru attacked us."

I winced slightly at a flash of phantom pain before looking at her in confusion. "I— _what!?_ How did that display inspire you to go forth and venture!?"

"Because of what you _said!"_ Conis exclaimed before sighing wistfully. "How you said that the Blue Seas were bigger and more glorious than any of us could ever imagine, how you said that there's so much we don't know. It just… your words _resonated_ with me. And besides that, well…" She smiled sadly. "I was impressed at how you had what I've always lacked: courage."

"What!?" Raphey scoffed. "Are you crazy, woman? You're currently carrying almost half of your bodyweight in _gun!_ You're a badass!"

"No, I'm a person with training and discipline," Conis responded before wilting. "But until now, I've never actually had the will to _apply_ it. All these years, I've had the means with which to fight against Eneru in at least _some_ capacity, but whenever the thought entered my mind…" She trailed off with a fearful shudder before looking back at me. "And yet, you, a Blue Sea Dweller with far less combat ability, when faced with Eneru's wrath—head-on, no less… you were stripped of any ability to fight back, facing certain death, and you still had the courage to stand up to him without hesitating once."

She smiled and looked at the crew fondly. "And while that may be the biggest reason, your crew as a whole made an impression on me, challenging Eneru and all of his disciples—and _winning_ —just because of someone you met that same day. And even in the middle of all of it, you're still able to relax and celebrate as if nothing was amiss. Seeing what all of you could do, I… well, for a brief moment, I wanted to be a part of it." Her smile then died and rotted into a haunted look. "That… that feeling was one of the only reasons I managed to pull through what happened only an hour later."

It didn't take a genius to figure out what she meant. "Conis, your father didn't die! He's alive!" I protested.

"But I didn't know that at the time!" she shot back tearfully. "I—look, I've never really had any friends before you all, I don't have any other family…" She hugged herself desperately. "F-for as long as I can remember, it's always been my father, Su and I. They're the only family I've ever known, and when I thought my father d…" Her fingers sank into her arms as she struggled to get the word out. "D-d- _died…_ t-then the only true connection I had left tying me to Skypiea died with him."

Vivi laid a consoling hand on Conis' shoulder. Conis gripped the hand with a grateful smile before taking a calming breath and steeling her expression. "When that happened," she whispered solemnly. "I made a promise to myself. I promised that if we survived this ordeal, if we all lived, then I would leave Skypiea. I would leave the White Sea, and I would go out and explore the glorious world that awaited me with no regrets."

Conis' expression when Pagaya returned flashed through my mind, with a whole new context. "And then you found out that your father was still alive…" I deduced slowly.

Conis shuddered in anguish. "Yes, that… that created something of a conflict." She then perked up with a hopeful, if somewhat confused look. "But, I… I talked it over with my father later that night, and he was… surprisingly encouraging. Sad, of course, but… but he was understanding and he… he said that he _approved._ "

"But of course."

"GYAH!" I jumped almost a full three feet off the ground before wheeling around and glaring daggers at Pagaya, who was standing _right_ behind me. "Don't _do_ that! What if I had a heart condition!?"

"You don't," Chopper deadpanned.

I spared him a glance before rolling my eyes. "Alright, fine, but Eneru could have given me one with all that lightning!"

"Not with where he was hitting you."

" _WILL YOU WORK WITH ME HERE, DAMN IT!?"_

Conis, meanwhile, pushed past me to stand before Pagaya in shock. "F-Father!" she stammered in shock. "W-what are you doing here!?"

Pagaya chuckled fondly as he laid his hands on his daughter's shoulders. "What kind of father would I be if I didn't see my daughter off? And as for your confusion about my willingness to let you leave, well…" he sighed warmly. "I suppose that I am just of the opinion that it is not right for one person to get in the way of another's dreams. If this is truly your dream, Conis, and I believe that it is, then like your mother before you, I won't stand in your way."

Conis stiffened, tears welling up in her eyes before she hugged Pagaya, burying her face in his shoulder as she sobbed joyously, her father patting her back.

I broke the moment slightly by clearing my throat, wincing at the piercing glares the rest of the crew shot at me. "Look, I'm sorry for intruding on this moment, but… Conis' mother? I adamantly refuse to believe that I'm the only one who wants to hear that story."

The rest of the crew glared at me for a moment longer before relaxing and murmuring amongst themselves in agreement.

"It was 23 years ago, less than a year after Conis was born."

"Wha—Su!" Conis gasped, turning to face the cloud fox in question.

"I only heard about her from my parents, but apparently she was always something of a wanderer, ceaselessly exploring Upper Yard whenever she got the chance," Su continued, pacing on the Merry's railing. "But no matter how far she went, the White Sea was always too small for her. And even with her family, she was quite sad on Angel Island… until one day a pirate crew much like yours arrived, and she was presented with an opportunity. A chance to leave, a chance to see the world… a chance to _live."_ The fox paused and hung her head sadly. "It was with a heavy heart that she left her family, her daughter especially, who she loved very much, but her heart yearned for adventure, and she simply couldn't deny it. So she left…"

Su then perked her head up, and I got the distinct impression that she was smiling. "But not before leaving her daughter a companion in the form of a cloud fox she'd found. My mother was a loyal companion for Conis until her age wouldn't let her be anymore, and that's when I took over. And I've never left her side since. Well…" Su scurried over to Conis and clambered onto her shoulder, rubbing her head against Conis' cheek. " _Almost_ never. Sorry for running off like that, I had some things I had to take care of."

Conis giggled happily as she leaned her forehead against her companion's. "Oh, Su…" she smiled.

Pagaya appeared to smile behind his beard as he watched the exchange. "I'm sorry that I don't seem sad that I didn't stop your mother from leaving all those years ago, Conis, and I'm sorry that I don't seem sad now, but the fact is that I find it quite impossible to be even the slightest bit remorseful over the fact that the two women I love the most in my life are following their dreams. As sad as I'll be to watch you leave, I'd be even sadder if I made you suffer by forcing you to stay."

He cast a wistful gaze at the Going Merry. "In the end, I suppose we can only call it fate. Just as it did over twenty years ago, the Knock-Up Stream has yet again brought pirates to our land who will affect our family in fantastic ways. Ah, what a wondrous world we live in…"

It took all of ten seconds for that statement to sink in properly. Once it did, however, Robin and I made the connection at the same time. Or at least, I assume we did if the way we both stiffened was anything to go by.

"Oh, my…" she whispered numbly.

"Holy _shit,"_ I concurred, _still_ trying to wrap my head around the sheer implications. Fucking hell, what did I do, stumble onto one of Oda's deleted scenes?!

"What? What's with you two?" Su asked curiously.

"Yeah, what is it, Cross?" Luffy questioned obliviously. "Do you know who they were?"

"Do I know—?" I ground out semi-hysterically. "Luffy, the captain of the pirates Pagaya is talking about _was your predecessor!"_

"Gol D. Roger…" Robin breathed, apparently still incredulous herself.

It took _twenty_ seconds for that to sink with the rest of the crew, and when it did… I had the good sense to slap my headphones over my ears.

A resounding shout of " _WHAAAAAAT!?"_ kicked the surrounding treelines into a flurry of retreating wildlife.

Lassoo whined and slapped his paws against his ears. " _Looooud…"_ he moaned.

Luffy was leading Chopper, Usopp and the Dugongs in bowing before Conis over and over again, repetitively chanting the phrase "WE ARE NOT WORTHY!"

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" Sanji half-roared half-cheered in agreement of their worshipping.

"Moron."

Three guesses who said that and what happened next.

Soundbite gave me a flat look. " _You realize that_ _ **this is your**_ **FAULT,** RIGHT?"

"I know, I know…" I sighed wearily.

"Um, pardon me, but why are you all reacting like that?" Conis asked uncomfortably, a slight blush coming across her face.

"The Roger Pirates are the most famous pirates in history, the only crew that's ever succeeded in sailing to the very end of the Grand Line. They disbanded 22 years ago with the captain's execution, but his last words promised great treasure to whoever was able to find it, which sparked the Great Pirate Era, as countless souls have sought to inherit Roger's title: King of the Pirates," I summarized, with all the solemnity that that story deserved. "The quest for his legendary treasure, the One Piece, is the _entire reason_ we and many others like us became pirates and set out to sea in the first place!"

Conis' eyes went wide, and Pagaya's… um, didn't, and I couldn't see his jaw dropped behind that beard. Honestly, the only way I could tell he was shocked was from the sweat on his brow.

"She joined with a pirate crew of that strength?" Conis asked eagerly, though Pagaya's demeanor was much more… reserved.

"But you said that the captain was executed? Then… she…?" Pagaya began weakly. Su and Conis also teared up as it sunk in, and the worshipping from the other crewmates subsided.

"Ah, no no no!" I waved my arms hastily as I tried to backstep. "Roger was executed, yes, but suffice to say that there were…" I glanced at Luffy cautiously, who was himself giving me something of a _look._ " _Circumstances…_ not made public. But anyway, Roger was the only one executed. As far as I know, the rest of the crew managed to get off scot-free. Where they are now, however…" I shrugged helplessly. "I'm afraid that your guess is as good as mine."

Pagaya slowly relaxed, nodding in response to my words. "If she is alive, then that is enough for me."

"Ugh… I can't take much more of these surprises," Vivi groaned, sinking to her knees alongside both Carue and Nami, who were both moaning in agreement.

"Well, I can't make any promises, but I for one will at least _try_ and keep the nonsense down to a… a… aaaHAHAHA!" Su suddenly threw her head back with a bark of laughter. "NOPE! Couldn't say it with a straight face, you guys are _screwed!"_

" **AH, LA FOLIE A DEUX. Dis gon' be** _ **FUN,**_ _HAHAHA!"_ Soundbite cackled ecstatically.

"Wha—wait, _what!?"_ Conis snapped her head around to stare at Su in shock. "Su, you are _not_ coming with me! This voyage is going to be dangerous beyond all belief, I couldn't possibly put you at risk like that."

Su tilted her head as she stared at her owner. "Um, of course I'm coming? Why else do you think I've spent the whole day saying goodbye to all of my animal friends?"

"Su, you are not coming, and that is final!" Conis ordered firmly.

"Uh, yes, I am?" the cloud fox stated flatly in an 'are you an idiot' tone of voice. "How could I not come when you're completely helpless without me?"

"E-excuse me?" Conis said indignantly.

"Well, _obviously,"_ Su rolled her eyes… I assume, anyways, that fur was a hell of a poker face. "After all, just look at you! Moments ago, you thought there was a chance in hell of me _not_ coming with you on this voyage, when _obviously_ there's nothing you can do to stop me. Truly you are beyond all help, but don't worry, Conis!" She laid her paw on her head. "That's why you have me."

Conis stammered incoherently for several seconds. And then, finally, she sighed. "… Fine," she said, clearly defeated and clearly happy.

Pagaya proceeded to draw attention to himself by clearing his throat, gazing hopefully at Luffy. "Captain, like my wife before her, I know that there is nothing I can do to dissuade my daughter without making her miserable. All I ask is that like before, I know that my little girl is venturing forth in the best company she can possibly find, and quite honestly, I believe that to be you and your crew. So, as a father, I am begging you…" He clasped his hands pleadingly. "Will you please take her with you, and keep her as safe as you can?"

Luffy's response was to grin widely as he scratched a finger beneath his nose. "Shishishishi! I've already made that promise twice, why wouldn't I make it again?"

"Twice? He made it for me, but who was the other one?" Vivi asked curiously.

Nami answered _that_ question by slapping a hand to her forehead with an embarrassed groan. "I'm going to _kill_ Genzo when I see him again…" Nevertheless, she didn't try and hide the smile she was sporting.

Conis, meanwhile, had an ecstatic grin slowly starting to spread across her face. "So… so you mean—?"

Luffy shot his fists up with a cheer. "WE HAVE TWO NEW CREWMATES! HIP HIP!"

"HOORAY!" Usopp, Chopper and Carue leapt and crowed joyously.

"Ah, to see the ranks of one's companions bolstered, however marginally…" Boss slowly shook his head with a grin before punching the air. "THIS IS THE PUREST OF MAN'S ROMANCES!"

"GO, BOSS, GO!" the TDWS cheered enthusiastically.

"AN ANGEL HAS JOINED OUR CREW! I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER!" Sanji swooned in full love-mode.

"And it looks like she could have some fight in her, too…" Zoro mused as he fingered the hilts of his blade.

 _SLAM!_

He then went from fingering them to drawing them in an instant in order to block the kick Sanji aimed at his head.

"I'LL CAVE YOUR SKULL IN IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING HER, MOSSHEAD!" Sanji raged furiously. No prizes for guessing what happened next.

While the rest of the crew welcomed Conis warmly, Nami turned her attention to me.

"I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you _didn't_ see this coming, Cross?" she asked quietly.

I chopped my hand across my neck with a look at Soundbite and waited for the subtle buzz before speaking. "I didn't expect to see her that much after she saw us off at the pier on Angel Island, full-stop," I replied numbly. "She should have wound up co-owning a café with Laki a couple of years from now."

Nami cocked an eyebrow at where Vivi was giving Conis an enthusiastic hug before shrugging slightly. "Well, it looks like that's not going to be happening. But on the other hand, I don't see how this could have any negative consequences. So, call it a good change?"

I watched the scene for a moment before smiling gratefully. "Yeah… call it a good change. Well, with that done, what say we get back to loading up the gold?"

"…Actually, Cross, there's one more thing I want to ask about," Nami finally said, looking at me seriously. "With Conis and Su joining us, almost half of our crew is in the dark about you. I get that you're waiting on it for Robin, but at some point, you need to tell the others."

I grimaced in agreement, but ultimately I shook my head. "I'll tell them soon enough. We're close to the point I'm waiting for, give or take two islands. If everything works out in the best case scenario, then I'll tell them the same time I tell Robin. Worst case… I'll settle for a little sooner. Either way, everyone will know everything soon enough."

Nami pursed her lips, obviously unsatisfied with the answer, but she nodded in acceptance nevertheless. One glance at Soundbite made him drop the scramble, and Nami marched up to drop her hand on Conis' shoulder.

"Welcome aboard, Conis. Now, as second mate, allow me to give you your first official order as a Strawhat Pirate," Nami announced.

I wisely chose to slip my earphones on when I noticed her drawing a deep breath.

"LOAD THE GOLD _RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"_

Not a second too soon.

And so, with our new gunner and her arsenal officially with us, Zoro and Leo proceeded to finish dismantling the gold pillar while the rest of us loaded it onto the Merry. And in light of the two death threats hanging over his head, Usopp had come up with an ingenious way to utilize every bit of space that the Merry had available, while at the same time ensuring that theft was a complete impossibility without either a master swordsman or more time and dismantling skills than an average thief was likely to possess.

He got the idea from Eneru's Luminous Forge technique; after Zoro and Leo cut up the gold as he indicated, through the extensive and thoroughly supervised usage of Heat and Flame Dials, Usopp heated up the pieces once they were in storage and melded them into big enough shapes that they were impossible to fit through the doorways. It was more likely for Nami to ever get Zoro in debt again than it was for anyone to manage to steal anything from the pillar without us catching them. Though then again, I suppose I could have been giving Nami too little credit.

When all of that was said and done, Nami did a thorough evaluation of the gold that we had accumulated. The bags we had filled from Nola amounted to at least 500 million on their own, and with every bit of the Merry within closed doors stuffed as full as we could practically make it, the total haul was—conservatively—an even ฿2 billion.

Needless to say, it was a good long while before our navigator was in any state to navigate. In the end, however, we were just about ready to leave. But I still had a couple of things left to take care of as the crew began boarding the Merry again.

"Hey, Nami, did Pagaya manage to finish your request?" I asked.

"Wha—? Oh, I forgot!" Nami said, turning back towards the Dial engineer in question. "Pagaya, were you able to make those modifications I asked for?"

"Hmm?" Pagaya glanced at Nami curiously before snapping his head up. "Ah, yes! I'm sorry, I forgot about it during all the commotion. I have it on my boat now, just give me a moment to fetch it."

So saying, he dashed back to his own vessel and promptly returned with what resembled a combination of a folded scooter and a snowboard. Rather than the boat-like bottom that the Waver originally had, it now had a curved plank of metal-lined wood close to the size of a skateboard. There was also a leather strap running from the handles of the vehicle to its front wheel.

"Here it is," he announced proudly, handing it over to Nami. "While I was able to maintain the basic integrity of the Waver's structure, I'm sorry to say that I had to do away with some of the lower edges so as to fit within the size constraints you requested. I hope you don't mind getting your feet wet, and I doubt you'll be able to fit any more passengers on there."

"Are you kidding!?" Nami squealed eagerly as she hugged the device to her chest. "I live on a ship, so getting my feet wet is nothing, and I'm _happy_ I won't have passengers anymore! This is all for me, me, _meee!"_ she trailed off finally, spinning on her toes happily.

I shot a grin at Pagaya. "I think she likes it."

Pagaya chuckled. "So I see. Well, does this mean you're setting sail?"

"Not _quite_ yet, we've got a bit more to take care of," I replied, turning back to the gangplank and walking onboard. Nami and Pagaya came up just behind, and a quick whistle had all eyes on me.

"Alright, everyone, now that we've got the gold loaded up, let's move on to some more pressing matters before we move out…" I wrung my hands eagerly. "Pop quiz: what's the one thing that I emphasized us needing more than anything else while we were up here?"

"We were all diligent in collecting Dials, Cross," Robin said with a smirk, unfolding a sash that she had been carrying and revealing the Dials within. "Thirteen Axe Dials, courtesy of Yama and one of his Enforcers."

I gave the sash a flat look before cocking an eyebrow at Robin. "Do I even _want_ to know how many pieces you left his spine in?"

Robin's frigid chuckle was answer enough.

"Moving on! Usopp?"

Usopp grinned proudly as he dug a shell out of his bag and tossed it up and down in his palm. "Besides the trading I did, Sanji and I managed to grab twelve of Eneru's Thunder Dials along with three Water Dials, and Terry, Isaiah, and their oversized cousins got ten Jet Dials."

"I took Shura's Heat Dial and his bird's Flame Dial," Boss grinned savagely, ramming his fist into his palm.

"He was _not_ gentle," Mikey snickered sadistically.

"Those twin dumplings that attacked me were carrying Flame, Impact, Axe, and Flavor Dials. They're all in the storage room," Nami shrugged indifferently. "They were pretty annoying, admittedly, but not that hard to handle with some liberal application of my Clima-Tact to their skulls."

"I got one of Gedatsu's Milky Dials!" Chopper added, jumping and waving a shoe in the air eagerly before rubbing the back of his head with a sheepish grin. "I… don't know how, really, I kind of blacked out halfway through when he got a good punch in and I psyched up."

"And Ohm said that he had a Dial in the hilt of his sword, so I took it once I kicked his ass. At least he was a _semi_ -decent swordsman," Zoro finished, fishing the hilt of the blade in question out of a crate. "No clue what happened to the actual blade, though. It disappeared once it left Ohm's hand."

I grinned as I took in the weapon, a few 'JACKPOT' bells ringing in my head. "Well, now, _that_ has exceptional potential," I said, taking the Eisen Whip from Zoro and looking it over. Then I turned to our navigator, and held it out. "Nami, see what you can make of this."

Nami looked surprised, but took the hilt nonetheless, turning it over in her hand as she examined it from all angles. "What do you think I can do with it? It looks like a bladeless sword."

"Actually, it's a whip," I corrected. "Ohm called it an Eisen Whip. The hilt holds a very special Cloud Dial called an Eisen Dial. It acts like the Dials Satori used to produce his Ball Clouds, only instead of making island cloud, it makes clouds as solid as _iron._ His default form for it was a sword…" I grinned eagerly. "But he was able to manipulate it into a variety of shapes." My grin widened when Nami snapped her head around to stare at me in shock. "I know it might be a longshot, but considering your skillset—"

"How did he operate it?" Nami demanded, examining the hilt intently.

"Oh, I think I might know!" Conis offered, stepping up to her and pointing out a few hidden buttons and dials I hadn't noticed on the neck of the weapon's hilt. "See here? Unless I miss my guess, this whole device acts as a large control apparatus for the Dial. It's a little elaborate, but it doesn't seem to be too different from a traditional rig. Unless I'm mistaken…" She started pointing out controls one by one. "This one controls the pressure, this one regulates the humidity, this one the air flow—"

"Which one produces the cloud?" Nami cut in dully, her eyes and voice glazed over with an analytical haze that I'd only ever seen whenever she was drawing a map or watching the sky.

Conis glanced at Nami in surprise before hesitantly pointing out a button. "I… think you need to hold this one down? I'd suggest exercising caution, however, these kind of Dials tend to be very—"

Nami rammed her thumb into the button, causing a long blade of pure white to lance out from the hilt that forced Conis to jump back with a shocked yelp.

"SENSITIVE! Be careful, Nami!"

But Nami wasn't listening. She wasn't even looking at Conis. Rather, she was staring at the hilt she was holding up at eye level, watching the cloud shoot out of it in a steady stream, her face a mask of focus. Without even a moment's hesitation, she started pressing the whip's controls at random, causing the cloud to destabilize and lash out uncontrollably like some form of amorphous tentacle, varying wildly in size, shape and length.

However, the randomness of her movements didn't last long. Soon, her actions took on a tone of control and thought. Where the cloud was flailing randomly before, it started moving with _much_ more… fluidity. And it was fluid in more ways than one. While at first the cloud had been smooth and seamless, it slowly started to thicken and flow. Bit by bit, the cloud expanded and puffed out so that it looked denser and… well, honestly, it even looked _fluffier._

In no time at all, where once there was an uncontrollably flailing tentacle of cloud-matter was now an entirely natural-looking cloud, flowing from the hilt Nami was holding and drifting around her like some great watchful spirit.

"Woooah…" Luffy breathed in awe.

Conis, for her part, was utterly speechless. "H-how—?" she started to stammer out.

"Alright…" Nami muttered, not even looking up at the cloud as she watched her fingers fly over the controls. "Now that I've got the hang of this thing, let's see what it can _really_ do…"

And where once Nami's fingers flew, now they _danced._ And the cloud danced with them, flowing around her to coalesce into a singular mass. The cloud surged and morphed for a moment before twisting into an almost perfect sphere, interrupted only by the line of clouds flowing back to the hilt. It held its shape for a moment before collapsing back into formless cloud and roiling into a three-dimensional model of a pyramid. It then repeated the process to form a cube, a star, and even a hollow dodecahedron. But the real clincher was the final form she created: a _hand._ While it might not have looked like an entirely natural hand, more a glove than anything, the real impressive part was how it moved, the fingers flexing and articulating with as much ease as though they were made of flesh and blood.

Nami stared at the hand in open-mouthed awe for a moment before slowly letting a rapturous grin grow on her face. "Oh, yes…" she purred eagerly. "I can _definitely_ use this."

" _Wooow,_ " breathed the Dumbass Trio and the TDWS. Everyone else was just as shocked; Sanji wasn't even able to swoon nor Zoro able to scowl at the sheer _mastery_ Nami had just managed.

"Well, now…" Robin muttered, the wonder evident in her voice.

"That was incredible, Nami!" Vivi gushed eagerly.

"Now _that_ was epic," I whistled in awe.

"O-oh my, I'm sorry for staring, but this is simply uncanny!" Pagaya breathed. "Why, the only person I've ever seen operate a Cloud Dial with such precision was another Dial engineer from another Sky Island! Oh, I haven't heard from him for such a long time, he left to travel on the Blue Sea over twenty years a—!" The old man cut himself off suddenly, and he and I shared shocked looks. We then _veeery_ slowly started leaning backwards, tilting our heads as we went.

"I DO _NOT_ HAVE AMPUTATION SCARS!" Nami snarled irately.

We hastily snapped back upright.

"But my father does have a point!" Conis blurted, staring at the cloud in wonder. "I-I've never seen anyone handle a Dial with such ease! Ohm himself couldn't even do that, judging from when he fought Sanji!"

"Why do you think I gave that thing to Nami?" I asked rhetorically. "The cloud that thing makes might be made of iron, but it's still a cloud. Because it's a cloud, it's still a part of weather, and because it's part of weather? Well…" I trailed off with a vicious grin. "That just about makes it Nami's _bitch."_

"It's just all so _obvious…"_ Nami giggled to herself as she reduced the cloud back to its natural-looking state, making it flow around her free hand. "It's like a real cloud, and I have all of the control I need at my… fingertips…" she trailed off for a moment before grinning eagerly. "A _cloud…"_ In a flash, she snapped her hand to her side and whipped out a section of the Clima-Tact, spinning it between her fingers.

Soundbite took one look at the crackling static starting to coalesce around the rod before recoiling fearfully. "NONONONO _ **WAIT!"**_

Too late. Satisfied with the charge, Nami held the metal rod in a reverse grip and rammed its tip into the cloud flow. The reaction was instantaneous: the cloud became as black as pitch, tongues of lightning forked through and around the form…

 _ **TH-THUMP!**_

And I jerked back fearfully when the whole of my body _burned,_ phantom electrical burns raging throughout my body as I only barely managed to choke back a terrified yelp.

Nami hastily ripped the rod away with a stricken look and dropped the Eisen Whip's hilt, causing the clouds to snap back into the device. "C-Cross! I'm so sorry, that was so _stupid_ of me and—!"

"Don't!" I interrupted, snapping my hand up in order to halt the apology. "Do _not_ apologize for doing that, you hear me? It was an accident, you didn't mean it, it's fine."

"I…" Nami hesitated momentarily before grinding the heel of her palm into her forehead with a groan. "Ugh, I'm so embarrassed I forgot… well, at least I won't be using that again anytime soon—"

"No!" I snapped, crossing my arms in an X. "This is going to push you far above and beyond the 'one-man army' level of power, you're not foregoing that just because of my stupid phobia!"

"No, I'm foregoing it because I need to get this in a more convenient form," Nami replied, picking up the Whip's hilt and shoving both it and the sections of her Clima-Tact into Usopp's hands. "Boss, I need the Heat Dial. Usopp, you take that, a Water Dial, and a Thunder Dial and merge them with these, ASAP."

"Wha—? B-but I—" Usopp stammered.

"Oh, I should be able to help with that," Conis offered. "I'm not a fully trained Dial Engineer, but my father's given me some training, so I could at least try and help."

"Assuming you don't confuse the usage of a Milky Dial again, anyways."

"SU!"

"Eheheh, I'm sure you'll be a great help anyways, Conis," Usopp hedged uncomfortably before looking back at me. "Hey, Cross, could I borrow your baton, too? I… think I have a few ideas."

I blinked in surprise before shrugging and tossing the compressed tube to him. "Whatever sort of ideas you have, just make sure you pass them through _me_ first."

"ONE TIME!" the longnose threw his hands up in exasperation.

"And Nami!" I jabbed my finger at her. "Even once you've got your new and improved weapon, I don't want you to so much as _hesitate_ before sparking up some lightning around me, no matter what. As a matter of fact, I want you to make a _point_ of doing it more often, make it your go-to option!"

"WHAT!?" Nami and Chopper belted out in unison, the doctor jumping up and down and waving his hooves frantically. "Cross, are you _insane?!_ You're suffering from a trauma-induced phobia! If you force yourself to undergo it again and again—!"

"Then I'll get used to it pretty quickly, won't I?" I finished blandly.

Chopper stared at me in confusion for all of three seconds before tensing in realization. "You're talking about trying to employ systematic desensitization therapy…" He shook his head furiously. "But that takes _time_ , and it has to be employed in a _controlled_ environment! What you're proposing is a crude and ham-handed knock-off that could cause you serious psychological damage!"

"And what would your alternative be, our most wondrous doctor?" I questioned with a cocked eyebrow.

"Well…" Chopper tapped his chin in thought. "The usual treatment for PTSD involves a combination of psychotherapy and medication… I could make the proper dosages, and since we have enough Thunder Dials, I could probably set up some kind of a simulation. In a few months—"

"Considering the average day for our crew and the Grand Line's weather, I don't think we have time for extended therapy, Chopper," I cut in dryly. "Add in the fact that the cause of the phobia was transmitted the world over, and chances are that _someone_ will try and exploit it for their benefit."

The doctor looked up at me with a scowl, but he ultimately sighed and shook his head. "… Fine, it looks like we'll have to do it your way. But you _will_ be taking medications as soon as I've prepared them, doctor's orders."

"Fair enough," I nodded. Silence fell for a few moments before Usopp cleared his throat.

"Well, it looks like I'm going to be busy; with Cross' armor and baton, Nami's Clima-Tact, and my own arsenal, plus the ideas I have for Vivi and Carue, I've got work to do. But just to be sure I'm not surprised later, does anyone else have any suggestions for upgrades?"

Most of the crew shook their heads, but Boss gained a thoughtful expression as he took out his cargo hook, looking it over. "Hmm… the main issue I've had with my rope-dart over the years has been when I was fighting someone who managed to grab the rope. You think you could figure out a way to integrate a Heat Dial?"

Usopp processed that and cupped his chin. "Hmm… it'll be tricky, but I think I can manage it."

"Excellent," Boss growled sadistically, before turning to his students. "And the rest of you?"

"Pass, I'd prefer to get more used to what Conis brought onboard," Mikey grinned as he spun a (thankfully unloaded) pistol around his flipper.

"Show-off…" Raphey snorted before shrugging and patting her sais. "Personally, I'm fine with my weapons the way they are." Donny and Leo nodded in agreement.

"Alright, then, if that's everything, I'd better get started," Usopp said, turning to head towards the storage room, Conis and Su following.

"Uh, actually, one more thing," I said quickly, causing the sniper to look back at me. "Usopp, whatever plans you make for incorporating the Eisen Dial for Nami, wait until we're back on the Blue Sea to put them in action; clouds can't normally form down there like they can up here. There's some way to make it happen, but you'll have to figure it out."

Usopp frowned, but nodded. "Thanks for the heads-up, Cross. In that case, Conis, I'll call you once I've got the blueprints started."

He turned to head back inside…

"Hold it."

When all attention was turned back towards the shoreline, where a relatively familiar figure who I hadn't had the opportunity to meet in person until now was standing.

"C-Captain McKinley!" Conis instinctively snapped to attention. "W-what are you doing here?!"

The captain of the White Berets smiled as he strode across the gangplank towards Conis. "Come now, soldier, did you really expect to simply leave Skypiea without a proper farewell? And I'm not alone in that sentiment either."

Before anyone could ask what he meant, the unmistakable sound of Dial skates came from the shore. Two much more familiar figures jetted out from the branches of the trees, coming to a reasonably smooth stop on the deck of the ship.

"Laki? Wiper?" Conis asked. While the berserker kept a neutral look on his face, Laki smiled kindly.

"Leaving without saying goodbye, Conis?" the sniper-guerilla chuckled fondly. "I suppose you're not as well-mannered as you'd like to pretend, huh?"

"Ah, w-well I, uh…" Conis started to stammer out.

"ATTEEEEN- _HUT!"_

Until McKinley clicked his heels and barked at the top of his lungs, causing Conis to snap to attention without a second's hesitation… along with the TDWS.

Boss gave his students a dirty look before snapping his flippers… somehow… causing the younger dugongs to sag in relief. "Clearly I need to… _refine_ my training," he groused. His tone of voice was enough to cause his students to stiffen in terror.

Meanwhile, Captain McKinley stepped up before Conis, towering imperiously over her. "Reserve Officer Conis," he barked in a firm and official tone. "I have known you for many years. Over that time, I have watched you grow, becoming stronger with each passing month. Your training in the art of Sky Warfare has made you a strong soldier, skilled with every ranged weapon our arsenal could yield. You are, at minimum, my equal in strength, and yet you maintain the gentle heart that you had from the day you first requested training. You are an example to us all. In light of this, and in recognition of your valor in helping both to evacuate Angel Island and to topple the tyrant Eneru, I am pleased to officially induct you into the ranks of the White Berets and promote you to the rank of Commander, as well as placing you in command of your own unit: the White Berets… Straw Hat division."

McKinley maintained his stern expression for a moment longer before allowing himself a warm smile as he removed and unfolded a beret from his pocket and held it out to the angel.

Conis stared at the hat, stunned, before swallowing and shakily taking the beret in her hands and situating it on her head. It hid her antenna-like hairstyle for a moment until they poked through holes in the hat that I _suspect_ hadn't been present a few hours ago. "I-I accept this promotion with the utmost dignity," she stammered out, tears shining in her eyes. "A-and I vow that I will put forth my best effort to maintain the integrity and valor of the White Berets from this point onwards, Captain."

McKinley grinned before snapping into that peculiar salute, legs together and left hand behind the head, index and little fingers raised. "HESO!"

Conis mirrored the action immediately, a tearful smile on her face. "HESO!"

"HESO!" came an echo from behind us. I turned to see that the Dumbass Trio, Sanji, Vivi, Carue (inasmuch as he could), and the dugongs had taken up the same salute, including Boss.

A slight bumping against my neck prompted me to look at Soundbite, who had an eyestalk cocked. I stared at him for a second before shrugging with a sigh. "Oh, what the heck…" I snapped into the pose as well. "HESO!"

"Heh," McKinley chuckled as he relaxed. "You've got good friends at your back, soldier. I hope your training and experience serves you well. Good luck, Commander Conis." And with that, the Captain strode back up the gangplank.

Laki was the next to come forward, still smiling at Conis. "Conis… I know we haven't known each other for long." She scratched her neck with a sheepish chuckle. "Honestly, I wish things had been different; it seems like you could have been the sister I never had. Well," she snickered to herself. "The _relatively-same-aged_ sister, anyways. But, that's not how life works. Instead, you're going straight back to fighting with a heck of an arsenal at your back. So, from one gun-wielder to another…" She dug her hand into the ammo pouch at her side and removed a pair of goggles, which she then held out to Conis.

"My goggles," she explained as Conis accepted the headwear and looked them over. "They've served me well over the years, but I don't think I'll have any more use for them in the future. The lenses are tinted in order to help deal with muzzle fla—" Her explanation was cut off by Conis catching her in a surprise hug, arms wrapped around her neck. Laki stood still for a moment before chuckling sadly and returning the hug, giving Conis a comforting pat on the back.

"Try not to get yourself killed down there, alright?" she breathed tearily.

"No promises," Conis chuckled back. "You know how crazy this crew tends to be."

"Don't worry, I'll keep her safe," Su piped up as she examined her own paw before tilting her head thoughtfully. "Well, unless it's funny, of course."

Laki out and out laughed when Conis slumped in her arms in defeat. "Of course! I wouldn't expect anything less!"

The two hugged for a bit longer until they extricated themselves from one another's arms, Laki giving Conis a final pat on the shoulder before turning back and walking back up the ramp, during which Conis took the opportunity to slip the goggles on and situate them around her neck.

Finally, Wiper stepped forward, his expression still neutral. If the way she stiffened was any indication, Conis was still a little nervous around the man, despite being on good enough terms with him that they could pass as friends. I noticed as he approached that he was carrying a small box in one hand, about the size of a decent novel.

"I know I'm not really your friend like those two, and I can't do polite worth shit, so I'll try and keep this brief," he bluntly stated. "With Eneru gone and my ancestors' wishes fulfilled, the worst battles of my life are behind me now. But if even half of what Cross said is accurate, you'll need all the strength you can get…" He trailed off slightly before sighing in defeat. "And… besides that, I owe this crew more than I can ever repay. So, I'll give you my strongest weapon to add to your arsenal."

He opened the box and removed its contents: a shell identical to an Impact Dial, except for the fact that it was midnight black, so that the holes and shell were almost indistinguishable. Conis gasped.

"Is that—?"

"My Reject Dial. With the capabilities that this crew has shown already, I have no doubt that you'll be able to make use of it effectively."

"I… I don't know what to say… thank you, Wiper," Conis whispered, taking the Dial reverently. The berserker managed to crack a sincere smile.

"Good luck." He made to head back as well…

"Hey, Wiper, hang on a second!"

Before turning back as I moved over to him. I lowered my voice as I spoke the next words… and geeze, I was making a lot of investments today. "It goes without saying that we want you to keep that pillar safe for us. But if a certain…" I coughed into my fist in order to mask my chuckle. "'Spring-heeled dickweasel' shows up here, tell him that he can have it as a loan from us." I weathered the flat look he gave me. "Assuming you get into a fight with everyone who comes up here, and we both know you will—"

"Of course," Wiper flatly confirmed.

"Then you'll understand what I mean when you meet him."

The Shandian rolled his eyes before nodding. "Alright, 'spring-heeled dickweasel,' got it," he muttered. And with that, he moved back to the shore.

" _ARE YOU NUTS?!"_ Soundbite hissed in my ears.

"Yes. Your point?" I replied calmly.

The snail opened his mouth to respond, and then closed it, shrugging. " **Another** _long con and high-stakes gamble?"_ he reasoned, audibly enough that the rest of the crew could hear.

"Exactly," I said as I looked back at them, which served to satisfy most of the crew.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Su piped up.

Most of them.

"I'll tell you later. For now," I said, grinning as I turned to my captain. "The day is quickly coming to an end, so with all of our earnings stored up, what say head towards our next adventure?"

"Right! Set sail!" Luffy yelled.

"Hold it!"

All attention snapped upwards, where a pair of familiar birds soared towards us before landing on Zoro and Sanji's shoulders.

"You're not staying with the Shandians?" Sanji asked.

"I don't think so," Terry said, still unusually calm. "Now that we know what really happened, and we know that Shandora is still safe, we don't have any reason to stay."

"Perhaps someday we shall return to Jaya to tell the rest of our fellows what happened… but for the time being, it would be an utter disservice to deprive you of my glorious physique," Isaiah said with a pose.

"OR MY POWER!" Terry said, back to the way we knew him.

" **Yeah,** _right,"_ Soundbite snickered. " _THEY JUST_ **realized that their** _ **game means JACK**_ **WITH HOW BIG** _the other birds_ ARE!"

"SHUT UP!" both of them screeched, which only made Soundbite and the rest of us laugh harder.

"Alright, _now_ we set sail!" Luffy cheered.

" _ **HOLD IT!"**_ Soundbite yelled.

"WHAT NOW?" shouted most of the crew, myself included.

"I'M HEARING _one heartbeat_ _ **too many.**_ _SOMEONE ELSE_ **is onboard** ," he said _sotto voce_ , which dissolved the lingering anger. The snail concentrated a bit more before jabbing an eyestalk at the storage room. I gestured to Lassoo, who padded alongside me as I walked through the door, taking in the area. Another glance at Soundbite led me to a barrel… not big enough for a normal person to fit inside. I put the pieces together with a wry chuckle before turning around and waving to Zoro. The swordsman in question approached and grabbed the barrel, and as we left the room, he tossed it with no great regard at the growing crowd of Shandians, Skypieans, and Enforcers—Eneru's rampage and Gedatsu and Ohm's callousness having swayed around a dozen of them enough that they had escaped exile—gathering on the shore to see us off.

"HEADS UP, _**nascent rat INFESTATION HEADING**_ _your way!"_ Soundbite called out. The largest of the Shandians, Genbo, caught the barrel without thinking and was _about_ to toss it into the water when the top suddenly shot off.

"GET-EM-OFF-GET-EM-OFF-GET-EM-OFF!" Aisa shrieked in panic as she leapt out of the barrel and started flailing her arms in a panic as she ran around in a circle.

"Get _what_ off?" I asked her innocently. "We said we were getting rid of a rat and that's what we just did!"

Aisa promptly froze as she processed those words before snarling and shaking her fists at me. "YOU TWO-TIMING SON OF A—!"

" _Aisa."_

The young Shandian froze mid-fist-shake, cold sweat coalescing on her brow as she _slooowly_ turned around to stare up at Wiper, Kamakiri and, most important of all, Laki as the three of them all glared down at her. Aisa was frozen for a moment before she tried to bolt for the Merry, but she hadn't even made it a step when Laki grabbed the back of her shirt and hoisted her into the air, heedless of her kicking and flailing.

"LEMME GO, LEMME GO!" the young oracle shrieked, pinwheeling her arms childishly. "I LISTENED TO WHAT CROSS SAID ABOUT THE BLUE SEA AND IT SOUNDS AWESOME! I WANNA BE A PIRATE AND GO ON ADVENTURES TOO!"

Vivi gave me a sidelong look. "What are you, Patient Zero for a new mutation of the madness Roger already let loose?"

"Hey, don't blame me!" I protested as I pointed at Luffy. " _He's_ the one who infected me, I just happen to be more contagious is all, both intentionally and otherwise."

"Shishishi! I'm convectious!" Luffy snickered.

"That is neither a good thing nor the right word, Luffy," Nami deadpanned.

Back on the shore, Laki was entirely unaffected by Aisa's protests. "Aisa, you are _thirteen years old._ Even if you weren't practically my younger sister, I'd _still_ stop you! You are not going and that's final!"

"But Conis' father is letting _her_ go!" Aisa whined petulantly.

"Conis is twenty-three and she's packing enough heat for a full squad of warriors," Wiper drawled in a flat tone. "You, meanwhile, are underage and have little to no experience with combat."

"ONLY BECAUSE YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING!" she spat venomously. Aisa appeared to wind up for another outburst before pausing contemplatively. She then promptly switched tracks by waving desperately at our ship. "HEY, I LOVE ADVENTURE AND WANNA SEE THE SEAS TOO! CAN I COME WITH YOU?"

"SU— _GAH!"_ Luffy was interrupted by half of our crew dogpiling him. I observed the skirmish for a second before shooting a grin at the coast and holding my hand up to my ear like a phone.

"Sorry— _ktch—_ must be a— _ktch—_ ad connection— _ktch—_ try again some other time!"

"WE'RE NOT USING SNAILS, YOU BASTARD!"

"Sorry, can't hear you, going through a tunnel!" I called back before spinning my finger in the air and glancing desperately at the rest of the crew. "Go go _go!"_

I swear, you could _hear_ the non-existent rubber burning we got out of there so fast. But the last words we heard as we sailed away were spoken with all the conviction of one of our dreams: "YOU WON'T STOP ME FOREVER! SOMEDAY, I'LL BECOME ONE OF THE STRAW HAT PIRATES, I PROMISE IT! _I PROMISE!"_

I watched Upper Yard start to shrink in the distance before sighing and slapping a hand to my face. "Well, that tears it. Call me crazy, but even if it takes months, maybe years, we officially have _not_ seen the last of Aisa."

"THEN YOU'D _better_ _ **be able**_ **to fight off THOSE THREE AT ONCE** _WHEN THAT DAY COMES!"_ Soundbite crowed. It didn't sound that loud, but I had no doubt that it had reached its intended recipient.

"Joy…"

From there, it was about as calm and casual a journey as we could get from the White-White Sea back to the White Sea, and down to Cloud End, with Pagaya sailing alongside us in order to guide us to the very end. Once the gateway of clouds appeared in the distance, I surreptitiously caught Conis and Su's attention and made a shushing motion, which they thankfully nodded at, albeit Conis only doing so after Su whispered something to her.

All too soon, we'd arrived: Cloud End. It was a supremely literal name for the location, for while the true drop was obscured by the architecture, it was clear to see that past this point, the mighty Cumulo Regalis came to an end.

"So, this is the way out, huh?" Nami whistled appreciatively.

"I don't wanna gooo…" Luffy whined as he laid on his special seat, pouting childishly at the gate both due to our imminent departure and the… _manual veto_ we'd put him through earlier.

"I know the sentiment all too well, captain," Boss shook his head with a sigh as he held a fist before his face. "But truly, to leave behind a paradise as we set out on the path for our next adventure… while it is not a Man's Romance, no…" He shot his fist into the air. "IT IS INDEED A STEP TOWARDS OUR NEXT ONE!"

"GO, BOSS, GO!"

"To think we actually sailed in the _sky!"_ Vivi giggled jubilantly as she hugged Carue. "Can you believe that we actually _did_ all of this?!"

"Bawewy, and da onwy weason I do is becawse I still smeww wike I should be sahved with owange sauce!" Carue snickered.

"Well, this is it…" Su whistled appreciatively as she eyed the gate.

"I know that I'll miss it…" Conis gazed backwards longingly for a moment before clenching her fists before her chest, her eyes blazing with determination. "But at least I know that it will make our return one day all the more sweet, right, Su?"

"Right!"

Meanwhile, Pagaya parked his boat on a nearby pier and started running down the Island Cloud in order to keep up. "I'm sorry to say that this is as far as I can follow you! Thank you so much for all you've done, and please stay safe no matter what!"

"Goodbye, Father!" Conis waved eagerly at her dad, joyful tears glistening in her eyes. "I'll miss you, and I'll try and speak on the SBS as often as I can! I'll give Mother your best if I see her! Take care!"

"I will!" Pagaya confirmed proudly. "Now, hurry up and draw the sails, and hold on tight! You're in for something of a ride!"

"You heard the man!" Usopp crowed as he clambered up the rigging. "Let's get ready, it sounds like we're going to be going fast!"

Luffy's morose expression promptly vanished as he glanced at our navigator. "Nami?"

Nami smirked as she held up her Log Pose for all of us to see. "The needle's pointing downwards, captain. We have our heading!"

"Alright!" Luffy whooped as he leapt to his feet, pounding his fists eagerly. "That means that once we get down there, our next adventure begins! Come on! It's time for us to go home!" He shot his fist into the air. "BACK TO THE BLUE SEAS!"

And just like that, we reached the very edge of the Milky Road that heralded our return to the familiar and the end of this saga.

"Here we go…" Conis breathed as she gripped the Merry's railing.

As I eyed the the sheer slope, knowing what was coming up next, my body reacted. My stomach blazed, my blood raced…

"Pff…"

And really, did you expect me to do anything else _but_ laugh?

The noise hit the rest of the crew like a gunshot, causing them to snap their gazes to me in horror.

"Oh, no…" Vivi breathed numbly.

Lassoo snorted in a bored manner… before tensing and snapping his head forwards as he sniffed at the air. "Wait a second…"

"They know something we don't!" Chopper deduced with a wail.

Before anyone could say anything, the Merry tipped over the edge of the slide and started barrelling down the Road, gravity dragging us down at breakneck speeds.

" **HANG ONTO** _ **YOUR EVERYTHING!"**_ Soundbite hollered.

" _Pffff…"_ I let slip as I felt the wind nip at me, pumping my adrenaline even harder.

"YIPE!" Lassoo yipped as he scrambled over to a rope from the Merry's rigging and sank his teeth into it.

Usopp, meanwhile, grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me furiously. "WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN, YOU LUNATIC, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?"

"Here it comes, here it comes!" Su repeated eagerly.

"I never dreamed I'd actually be able to experience this for myself!" Conis giggled.

" _PFFFFFFFF!"_

"Conis, Su, dear sweet angels both!" Sanji cried out in a simultaneously heartfelt and panicked tone of voice. "I beg of you, grace us humble mortals with an answer! _What's_ coming!?"

Conis blinked as she was drawn out of her euphoria before smiling beatifically at Sanji. "Why, the drop, of course."

And not a moment later, we hit the curve, and silence reigned as the Merry leapt into the void.

What happened next… well, really now, do I have to spell it out for you?

In the face of us all floating from our nascent freefall, in the face of the great nothingness laid out far below us, in the face of everyone's _faces…_

" _PFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"_

Was there any _other_ option available but for me to roar at the top of my lungs with laughter? And I certainly wasn't alone, either!"

" _ **BAAAAAANZAAAAAAAAIIII!"**_ Soundbite whooped and hollered.

"Wheeeee!" Conis squealed childishly, her arms raised above her head like she was on a roller-coaster.

"TSEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEEE! I FEEL _ALIIIIIIVE!"_ Su cackled as she spun in circles in the free-fall.

Fifteen exhilarating free-falling seconds later, however, found us beginning a casual descent, suspended by an enormous octopus balloon. Most of the crew was relieved. I, on the other hand…

"PFHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACES!" I laughed.

"Now I get why you kept pulling this off two days ago, Cross: it really is _fun!"_ Su cackled, rolling on the deck.

"I… I have to admit, that _was_ funny," Conis said, giggling behind her hand.

"CROSS, YOU SON OF A—!" Sanji began, before melting at seeing Conis laughing.

" _Huh._ **HAS ANYONE** _ **actually FINISHED THAT?**_ " Soundbite questioned curiously.

"I'm pleased to say that they haven't!" I said cheerfully.

"I'll change that right now if you don't fucking _apologize for making me think we were falling to our deaths!"_ Nami screeched, one second away from punching me. I opened my mouth to retort before a sobering realization hit me.

"Now that you mention it, I do owe _someone_ an apology," I admitted sheepishly, moving to the front of the ship and patting the metal brace that supported our (I swear it's true) still-sweating figurehead. "Sorry for the scare, Merry, I just wanted to have some fun, is all. Don't worry, we won't let anything like that happen to you on our way to the next island, no matter what."

A solemn silence reigned on the deck as I felt everyone agree from the bottom of their hearts. Even the groaning of the deck sounded appreciative.

I then proceeded to ruin the moment by grinning impishly. "You've gotta admit, though, that was funny, huh?"

 _KLONK!_

"OW!" I yelped, clutching my skull in agony. "The hell—!?"

Usopp held up the pulley that had clocked me with a grin. "Looks like she didn't think so!"

"But _that_ admittedly was," Robin chuckled.

" **PREACH IT,** _sista!"_ Soundbite chortled.

"The ship is _alive?"_ Conis and Su asked in unison.

"Trust me, this isn't even the weirdest part of our crew," Vivi reassured them.

Conis stared blankly at her for a second before grinning in a slightly demented manner. "I am _so_ excited and _so_ terrified!"

I grumbled at the laughter of the crew for a moment before sighing morosely. "Alright, alright, I'll be a good sport and admit I deserved that. And I'll even still share the advice I was going to give out anyways." I pointed at our captain. "Luffy, as fun as I'm sure it would be, _please_ don't climb up on the octopus and bounce on it." I held up a hand to forestall his whining before it could start. "It'll make the air go out of it faster, and I know you don't want to make the Merry suffer a belly flop when we just talked about how hard the journey's been on her."

Luffy's disappointment evaporated, and he nodded firmly.

"As for you, Usopp," I nodded at the sniper. "Without anything bothering the octopus, we should reach the bottom gently, no problem. Still, if you could use a Jet Dial or two every so often to top it off with air, it definitely wouldn't hurt."

Usopp nodded with just as much firmness.

"Right. Well, with that said, there's not much to do but relax and enjoy the view until we reach the bottom. So, I think I'll take this opportunity to wrap up this part of our story for the rest of the world," I said, pulling out the transceiver. I stopped, however, as that _beautiful_ sound echoed from above us, and I smiled. "Hey, Soundbite, any chance of you being able to replicate that?"

The snail, with an expression of utmost solemnity on his face, shook his head. " _Not in a million years,"_ he breathed reverently.

I nodded. But still, to make sure that that bell stayed safe… the rest of the world didn't need to know that.

 **-o-**

On a Marine battleship thousands of meters beneath the Straw Hat Pirates, and several dozens of miles away on top of that, one of the cofounders of MI4 chewed on her tenth cigarette of the day.

Jeremiah Cross' track record for accuracy had been astonishing, but she was simply unable to believe him when he disparaged Vergo like that. She had served alongside the man for so long, and he showed nothing but decency. She was certain that, if only this once, Cross was wrong. And then T-Bone made his vow, and all of that certainty shattered as Cross' words rang in her mind:

' _You know as well as I do that_ nothing _I've told you so far has been wrong.'_

All she had to go against that was her own experience, and it seemed that for the second time that month, her worldview had been forced into a higher focus. First the Marine Corps as a whole, and now Vergo… was she just incompetent at being able to see the truth of something, past the surface?

"Captain Hina!"

A pair of familiar voices wrenched her out of those thoughts, and she scowled at the two men. "I said not to disturb me unless strictly necessary."

"I think this qualifies, Captain: we've spotted the Barto Club! Should we pursue?" Fullbody asked.

Hina processed that, calling to mind the reputation that 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo had been gathering for himself; his bounty would break 100 million before long if not stopped. Her expression hardened; taking down an infamous pirate like that would help to blow off some steam.

"Full speed after them, fire as soon as we're in range," she ordered quietly.

"Yes, Captain!" they responded before running out. Hina made to follow before pausing, actually considering that idiotic but admittedly formidable duo: A former pirate who nearly razed a village, and a formerly famous Marine who accepted a full demotion to absolve his crimes. Opposite sides of the law, and yet they had become best friends. And they watched each other's backs every day, fully trusting each other. Up until now, she hadn't batted an eyelash at their sob story, simply accepting their strength in her fleet and ignoring them whenever it wasn't pertinent for her to pay attention to them. But…

Hina bit out a tsk as she kneaded the bridge of her nose. No, no, she couldn't afford to doubt them like that. She might have been wrong about Vergo, but so had the rest of the Marines. She couldn't be blamed for not catching him sooner. Fullbody and Jango were both egotistical and somewhat narcissistic morons, but that didn't change the fact that they had good hearts, that they _tried._

Hina paused as she considered that point. They had good hearts. What if… what if she reversed the assumption? If there were Marines like Vergo who seemed perfect, to the point of being able to fake being decent all while utterly evil inside… then out there, amidst all those vile pirates on the high seas, the ones who—unlike the Strawhats—depicted themselves to be as utterly ignoble as the Marines claimed… could there quite possibly be some who had some measure of good within themselves?

Her reflections continued in a similar vein until they came within firing distance of the ship. But despite the fact that the effectiveness of her spears lay in the fact that no ship could deflect them… the ship was deflecting them. No, it wasn't just deflecting them, it was _slapping_ them away, full-stop with translucent barriers of energy. Barriers that slowly morphed into the form of… well, now, that was just _juvenile._

"He's _taunting_ us," Fullbody snarled, attempting to obliterate the ship through his spyglass.

"The Barrier-Barrier Fruit," Hina growled, gritting her teeth as she yanked the slack out of her gloves. "Come up alongside them. Hina wants to deal with them personally."

"Aye, Captain. FULL SPEED AHEAD, BRING US UP ALONGSIDE THEM!" Jango repeated to the rest of the crew.

The Barto Club made no effort to get away from them. In fact, they even had the gall to drop anchor and _wait_ for them. And as the two ships came up alongside each other, several figures leapt and one animal _flew_ over the gap between vessels. All present, even Hina, gawked at the sight.

"Hehahahaha! Captain 'Black Cage' Hina! Taking you down should be a nice boost on our reputation!" Bartolomeo cackled, his arms crossed over his chest and his fingers crossed over each other. Behind him was a veritable array of forces: half were merely commonplace everyday thugs that had followed him onto the battleship's deck, but the other half… the other half were an issue.

Half of the force was composed of a few individuals who stood out for how nonchalant and comfortable they seemed, as well as the aura of danger they all seemed to exude. Of these, there were three whom she recognized enough to elicit an aggravated scowl.

"Well, isn't this convenient? Hina doesn't know what hole you three crawled out of, but she's glad that you did. You three got away from me once, but it won't happen this time."

"Kyahahaha! Oh, Hina, you really think you have a chance of catching us again? There's a reason we joined up with this guy instead of laying low for the rest of our lives like the other escapees," Miss Valentine threw her head back and cackled eagerly.

"Laying low for the rest of our lives…" Mr. 5 droned contemplatively before shrugging. "Well, I for one would have been all for it, if it weren't for Jeremiah Cross essentially turning the kingdom we were trying to lay low in into a whole new kind of war zone, and one where we could barely show our faces, at that. So, when Bartolomeo came along, we decided to make a fresh start."

"After all, the last time we underestimated a rookie that was on the fast track to infamy, we paid dearly for it. So we chose to follow a winner this time," Miss Goldenweek said tonelessly, swirling her paintbrush over her palette in preparation.

"You'll regret that choice after this. Because unfortunately for you all…" the Captain hissed as she slammed her fist into her palm. "Hina is currently _pissed_ ,"

"Bring it on!" Bartolomeo cackled, lolling his tongue out.

Both pirates and Marines surged forward to attack—

" _Don don don don!"_

Before all movement froze, and all attention snapped towards the nearest Transponder Snail. As it let out another " _Don don don don!"_ , Hina looked back at Bartolomeo, who was staring at her neutrally. Then he smiled, chuckled, scratched the back of his head sheepishly and _blushed,_ of all things.

"Heheh… uh, any chance we can call a truce?" he requested in a hopeful tone. Hina stared at him, along with his companions, before ultimately sighing and extending a hand.

"Until the SBS is over," she agreed in a neutral tone.

Bartolomeo grinned (or leered, it was hard to tell with a face like that), shaking her hand with distinctly _un-_ crossed fingers before snapping his attention to the snail, which one of the Marines duly picked up. Any lingering tension between the factions promptly melted away upon hearing the sound on the other end: a beautiful harp melody. Lawbreakers and law-keepers alike milled about the deck as the music continued for another minute or so, before finally, the familiar voice of Jeremiah Cross came through.

" _Now,_ that's _a pleasant way to wait. Well! Hello, loyal viewers, and—"_

" _Welcome back to the SBS,_ " came a familiar voice.

" _Welcome—really, Conis? REALLY?!"_ Cross groused.

" _What? But earlier you said—?"_

"HEEHEEHEE _ **hoohoohoo**_ **hahaha!"**

" _SOUNDBITE!"_

Bartolomeo roared with laughter, and most of the other pirates and Marines listening chuckled as well.

" _I swear, SOMEDAY I will manage to start this thing again!"_

"Sure, when the _OCTOPUS SHOGUNATE_ _ **learns to**_ **FLY!"** Soundbite chortled.

"… _Well, stranger things have happened, so I'm still hopeful,"_ Cross finally sighed in a tone of voice that said he actually _wasn't_. " _Anyways, first things first: I am pleased to announce that as of a few hours ago, we, the Strawhat Pirates, have officially recruited a couple of new crewmates, one of which is the harpist responsible for the beautiful music you just heard. You may remember them from my broadcast yesterday that was… shall we say, derailed?"_

"Understatement," chorused several listeners, pirate and Marine alike, all looking rather green.

" _But yes,"_ came the female voice again. " _Once again, I'm Conis, and as of now, I am the gunner of the Straw Hat Pirates."_

" _And I'm Su, a cloud fox! I'm coming along too because Conis needs me beside her to have half a chance of not firing a bazooka backwards again!"_ came another feminine voice.

" _STOP BRINGING UP MY MISTAKES, SU!"_ Conis cried indignantly.

" _And why would I do that?"_ the fox responded in a tone of honest confusion.

" **HA!** Glad you're _ON BOARD,_ FURBALL! **TWO** _**annoying talking animals**_ **ARE BETTER THAN ONE!"**

" _Hey, watch it, slimeball._ You're _annoying._ I _am a superior being of grace, beauty… and snark."_

"Those two together on one ship…" Miss Goldenweek started slowly.

"With the ability to speak to the world…" Miss Valentine queasily grit out.

"Whenever they so choose?!" Fullbody and Jango finished incredulously.

Mr. 5 dug a flask out of his coat and raised it in a salute. "Here's to you, sanity. I'm glad I managed to keep you around for so long." And with that, he started draining the bottle.

" _Alright, if you two are finished, it's time we wrapped up the tale of Skypiea, and the city of gold. Unfortunately, the lost city is now merely a city. You see, Eneru managed to find his way there, and he stripped every bit of gold away to build his flying ship, the Ark Maxim. As you heard from Wiper yesterday, he used that power to destroy both Angel Island and the Shandians' home; only Luffy's immunity to lightning saved us all from being killed. But alas, though Eneru lost, he was not out for long; the last I saw, his Ark was sailing even higher than we were… straight towards the moon. Will he get there? Will anyone ever see him again? Maybe, maybe not, but the fact remains that the gold is gone."_

"… He's a _literal_ lunatic," Bartolomeo said, jaw dropped in astonishment.

 _THWAP!_

"OW!" Bartolomeo yelped, glaring daggers at Hina as he held the side of his head she'd cuffed. "What the hell happened to the truce, bitch!?"

"In all fairness, Captain," Goldenweek cut in as she munched down on a ricecracker. "You deserved it."

"… _tsk…"_

" _The only significant piece of gold that he never managed to get was the great golden bell that you all heard ringing out yesterday. Luffy managed to ring it, but circumstances led to it falling into the cloud sea afterwards; all that remains of its ring now are the Tone Dials that recorded it, and Soundbite's abilities. And as for what few scraps of gold apart from that that escaped from Eneru's notice? Well… three guesses who they belong to now."_

"And the _NAMI_ _ **rejoiced**_ ," Soundbite chuckled.

 _CRASH!_

Hina's attention snapped back to the pirates, where the ostrich-sized feathery _dragon_ —which she still couldn't believe—was pressing one pirate to the ground who'd had his sword drawn. The girl on its back had her arms crossed and was glowering darkly.

"Do you not know the meaning of the word 'truce?!'" she snapped.

"Thank you, Apis, Lindy," Bartolomeo sighed, shaking his head in what was clearly disappointment. "Gin, can you take care of him?"

"On it, Captain," the insomniac-looking man said, hoisting the man over his back before jumping back towards their ship. Hina watched him for a second before pausing as a creeping suspicion entered her mind. Without even turning her head, the Marine Captain swung her arm behind her, and was sadly _not_ disappointed when she caught her own idiot duo as they made to rush Bartolomeo, binding them together for what had to be the third time that month.

She glared silent daggers down at them for a second before the sound of snickering snapped her attention back to Bartolomeo, who was leering down at the pair. "You ever wish you could just pump the missing graymatter into them?"

Hina stared at him for a second before chuckling in agreement. "Only every other day." She started to turn back to the snail when a thought occurred to her. Acting on instinct, she dug her emergency flask out of her coat and held it out to Bartolomeo. "Scotch?"

The pirate blinked in surprise before smirking and accepting the flask. "Sure thing!" He then waved at Miss Valentine. "HEY, TINA, HEAD BACK TO THE _CANNIBAL_ AND WHIP UP A BUFFET FOR US AND OUR NEW PALS! _AND MAKE IT MORE THAN JUST CHOCOLATE THIS TIME!"_

" _STOP CALLING ME TINA, YOU SHARK-TOOTHED ASSHOLE!"_ Valentine shot back, though she still leapt back to their ship.

"You let her get away with calling you that?" Hina asked mildly.

"Meh," Bartolomeo shrugged indifferently. "I piss them all off, they insult me, it evens out. And what about you?" He jabbed a thumb over at the smirking transponder snail. "Straight-laced Marine like you likes the SBS?"

Hina made to answer, then paused as a thought came to her, one that built off of her earlier contemplations. Slowly, she nodded in agreement. "Yes… yes, Hina does. It's an interesting story, actually."

 **-o-**

In a dingy, rundown apartment, a Transponder Snail partially cowered in its own shell as it was forced to relay the global show. It had been glad to do so several times before, but those times, it hadn't been speaking to a hostile audience.

" _But, though the gold is gone, Eneru's tyranny is over. Skypieans and Shandians have come together on the remaining island, and have begun working towards a new society of peace. With the war over, what more could they ask?"_

 _BLAM!_

The Snail suppressed a whimper as its eyestalks went ramrod still, unwilling to allow them to quiver even an inch lest they come into the line of fire yet again, rather than allowing the projectile to pass between them as it had done this time.

On the opposite side of the room, a huge, menacing vulture stared at the point of impact for a second before snorting and redirecting her gaze to the pistol she held in her talons. She used her wing to fiddle with the weapon's sights for a moment before laying it on the bed next to the rest of the arsenal she had laid out and picked out yet another gun, which she started disassembling, intently analyzing every piece as she went.

The Transponder Snail shivered fearfully as it continued to speak.

" _Alright, so maybe that's kind of meaningless coming from us, who are sailing away from this mess with a small fortune harvested from the innards of a gigantic amphibious Sea King serpent. And no, I'm not making that up. But despite that, well… As much of a shame that it is that the bell is lost, at least it will forever be remembered, and the war's now over. Now, the people of the sky can look forward to a future of peace and prosperity!"_

A squelching noise from another corner of the room caught the snail's attention, and against its better judgement, it chose to glance that way. The gastropod immediately regretted that decision, as it was then forced to fight against its own gag reflex with all its power.

The otter situated in the corner of the room shared none of the snail's disgust. In fact, it seemed to show no emotions at all save for grim determination as it grit its teeth and plunged a needle and thread into and out of its own flesh, over and over and over again, methodically sewing up a vicious-looking gash that was open in its arm.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the otter's stitching had fully spanned the wound, and without even a second of pause it gripped the thread in its teeth and _yanked,_ pulling the gash shut before snapping the thread and tying it off. With its gruesome surgery completed, the otter didn't miss a beat as it withdrew a pair of vicious-looking knives from where they were embedded in the wall and started scraping them against one another, sharpening them simultaneously in a rapid-fire flurry of steel.

" _So, that's the end of that chapter in our journey; as of now, we're slowly making our way back down to the blue sea… and I have to say, this sunset looks_ amazing. _While we admire it, I think now would be a good time to introduce a new segment on the SBS: Sky Life with Conis and Su. For all of those dreamers or naysayers listening, take a listen to what the sky islands are like."_

" _Heso, everyone. I suppose the best place to start would be with that word…"_

The snail glanced out the window longingly, staring out at the city laid out before it. As it stared, it found itself growing curious.

If the city looked beautiful from down here, what did it look like from the peak of the gigantic fountain that crowned it?

 **-o-**

"Why am I not surprised?" Crocus chuckled wryly, listening to the Straw Hats' new gunner as she spoke about the science behind the White Sea and the White-White Sea. "Roger took the mother, and now Straw Hat takes the daughter. It looks like he may just be the one Roger was waiting for after all."

"— _And so, with the added density, the White Sea is capable of supporting both ships and wildlife. Sky sharks can be a danger, but they're as much a delicacy for those who can actually hunt them."_

" _ **REPRE**_ — _Dot dot dot dot!—_ _ **SENT!**_ Oh, _A CALLER!_ _ **Go for the**_ **SBS!** "

A soft tapping noise followed.

" _GASTRO-_ **BLUR in effect,** _ **go ahead!**_ "

" _ **I'm just wondering, isn't the air thinner up there? I mean, if it's that high above the ground…"**_ came a voice, blurred identically to the mystery crewmate's.

" _Oh, yes, it's much thinner,"_ Conis replied casually. " _But we've grown used to it, and anyone who comes here can grow used to it as well. It takes anywhere from about fifteen minutes to over a day, depending on your constitution, but it's not hard once you've adapted."_

" _ **I see, sort of like climbing a mountain… but in that case, what's going to happen to you if you're heading to a much**_ **higher** _ **concentration of air?**_ "

The silence that followed that question was deafening, though it was quickly filled by the sound of two pairs of feet dashing across wood and two voices screaming out " _CHOPPER!"_ desperately.

Things were quiet again for a second until Su spoke up. " _Did… did they just leave us here?"_

" **Humans are not THE CALMEST OF** _species… HOW YOU FEELIN',_ BY THE WAY?"

" _Eh… can't complain, really. A bit heady maybe? Eh, we'll see. For now, though… HA! They've left us alone with a connection to the world! Wanna try setting a world record for annoying the most people at once?"_

" _ **DO I!?**_ _LET'S BEGIN!"_

" _Alright! Now, to start… ah…"_

Crocus chuckled as the silence returned tenfold.

"… _you got anything?"_

" **Nada."**

" _That's what I was afraid of. This is harder than it looks…"_

" _ **Why do you think**_ **we keep** _them around?"_

" _Fair point… damn it, we need a distraction!"_

" _ **LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MUSICAL STYLINGS OF MISTER CONWAY TWITTY!"**_

"… _was that a reference?"_

" **Damn straight!"**

Crocus chuckled as the music began, absently considering that Florida must have a lot of musicians. But he still couldn't fight down a smirk as he thought back to when they had left Upper Yard, and their new crewmate had to get her sea legs. He hoped that doctor of theirs knew what he was doing. Oxygen poisoning was _not_ fun, even if it was hilarious to watch.

Still, there were going to be quite a few saps who were in for the surprise of their lives. Nothing like watching a thin, attractive young woman punching out men three times her size and muscle mass.

 **-o-**

"Okay, I think you're good," Chopper said as he packed away his instruments. "The slower descent is letting your body adapt much more easily. As long as you don't have any big shocks within the next few hours, you shouldn't have any problems."

"Oh, thank goodness," Conis sighed. "Those pamphlets you had about oxygen poisoning were…"

"Alarming?" I ventured. "Panic-inducing? Terrifying beyond all rational thought?"

"… One of those."

I nodded. "Alright, let's get back to the SBS… and hope that Soundbite and Su haven't driven the world completely insane over the past ten minutes."

Thankfully, they hadn't, nor had they chosen some completely tasteless dreck for filler music. I honestly hadn't thought they'd had it in them.

"Alright, loyal viewers, with the hopes that Soundbite and Su, who are currently looking _entirely too innocent_ ," I gave the pair a pointed glare, which got them both whistling in a manner that only _heightened_ my suspicions. "Haven't done too much—though the viewcount suggests that they haven't, thankfully…" I looked around into the darkness surrounding us, grinning as I felt the (relatively) natural waves of the Grand Line rocking us back and forth. "Anyways, I'm glad to announce that we're _finally_ back down to the grand blue ocean. Now, the question is, where have we—"

I cut myself off as my eyes adjusted to the dark and I took in our surroundings. Part of me was curious about how nobody had seen this coming, but most of me was fighting the urge to swear at the top of my lungs. I only partially succeeded.

"Oh, _fuck me,_ " I summarized flatly before tensing as I realized that I had to end the show _now._ "Ah, viewers, I'm really sorry to cut you all off like this, but something's come up _aaaaaand_ I'm-gonna-have-to-call-you-back-BYE!" And with that I hastily rammed the transceiver down in its cradle.

Not a moment too soon, because a moment later we were lit up like a Christmas tree and the screams of over a dozen sirens echoed around us.

"Cross?" Nami drew out in an apprehension-filled tone of voice.

"Ladies and gentlemen," I announced grimly. "Welcome to the island of Navarone, a.k.a… _the impregnable and inescapable Marine Base G-8."_

 **Cross-Brain AN: Significance of the Transponder number? See if you can figure it out; we'll say it in our next broadcast.**


	34. Chapter 32 - G-8 Pt 1

**Hornet AN: And a one!**

 **Patient AN: And a two!**

 **Xomniac AN: And now it's time for** _**CHAPTER 32!**_

 **Chapter 32**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Surprise! As an additional manner of compensation for not updating for so long, here's the next chapter already! Enjoy! Oh, yes, and the significance of the transceiver number? In letters, it's "HEART BROB."**

" _Cross, I'm willing to admit that as infuriating as it was, not telling us about that drop at Cloud's End was harmless. On the other hand, NOT TELLING US THAT WE'D LAND IN FUCKING_ NAVARONE _IS ANYTHING BUT HARMLESS!"_ Sanji roared over the connection.

" _You had better have a damn good reason why you didn't warn us about this,"_ Nami snarled.

"Alright, lay off the third degree, would you!?" I demanded indignantly. "Trust me, if I'd known that this was going to happen, I'd have said something! My knowledge is divided into two categories: things that _will_ happen, and things that _may_ happen. This was in the second category, and I expected that the fact that we _didn't_ belly flop down and instead floated down gently from top to bottom would be enough to make sure that we didn't land here. But _clearly,_ I was wrong."

" _The best laid plans…"_ Robin said dryly.

" _Ah, I'm sorry for interrupting, but…"_ Conis cut in slowly, and very queasily. " _Cross, did you just say you had knowledge of the future!?"_

" _Trust me, sister, you learn not to question the crazy things he says_ very _fast,"_ Raphey deadpanned.

"It will all be made clear soon enough, don't worry," I absently reassured them before grinning as I tried desperately to put a positive spin on things. "But, but! Getting back on topic and before anyone gets too pissed off at me, look on the bright side! There's one massive benefit to the fact that we've landed here."

" _Really? And what, pray tell, would that be,_ Mister Jeremiah?" Vivi asked sourly.

"The Marine in charge of this base, Vice Admiral Jonathan, is a prime candidate for joining MI4, along with the vast majority of the Marines present in this base, if not all of them."

"… _Well, that does put everything in a new perspective,"_ Nami admitted in a neutral tone.

"Glad to hear it!"

The exact moment that I had stated where we were, I had tossed Soundbite to Isaiah and told the rest of the crew to scatter. Every man, woman, and animal for themselves, sans Carue staying with Vivi and Su with Conis. For my part, I somehow wound up closer to the base's central spire than I expected… actually, I'll be honest: I somehow wound up on _top_ of the spire. Don't ask me how, because everything after I told everyone to scatter is bit of a blur. All I knew for certain was that the blood on the forearms of my bandages was _not_ mine, and thankfully not enough to be blatantly lethal either.

Either way, Isaiah joined me shortly after I'd managed to find a place to hunker down, though Soundbite remained in his clutches for the moment, not willing to touch me while I was covered in salt water, and had promptly connected everyone in the crew together. Fortunately, the entirety of the fortress was within Soundbite's hearing range, even if we weren't right in the middle.

Currently, everyone was at different parts of the fortress; some, in the case of the Dugongs, were in the water, albeit floating on the surface in the shadows so that Soundbite could reliably communicate with them, while others were in the woods on the base's outer ring, and others yet in the base itself. Basically, anywhere and everywhere _except_ the Merry. The only ones who stayed onboard the ship were Terry, who was busy acting as an easily-overlooked lookout for us, and Lassoo, who was blending in with the rest of the arsenal in his full gun form. And though the quickly awakening fortress was swarming with Marines, the vast majority of them were, fortunately, focused more upon the ship than anything else, giving us all the time we needed to get away.

All things considered, things were going about as smoothly as one might expect.

" _Ugh… I don't feel good at all…"_

Well, almost; our resident angel seemed to be coping poorly with the sudden shock that had hit as soon as we reached the blue sea. I could only wince in response to the thought of those pamphlets of Chopper's. Speaking of our doctor…

" _Soundbite, can you lead me to Conis?"_ the reindeer asked.

" **Mmph…** _ **head along the**_ **SHORELINE—** NO, _the other way—_ _ **YEAH,**_ _JUST KEEP GOING THAT WAY._ **No Marines** _in your_ _ **WAY**_ **RIGHT NOW,** _but hurry!_ " Soundbite said.

" _Got it."_

" _So, what are we going to do now, Cross? You're the tactician here,"_ Zoro grumbled.

"Well, I won't lie," I said, shaking out my clothes in an effort to dislodge the traces of sea water that seemed determined to stick to me. "I only remember a few details about this place. It's an enclosed base, so the only way to the ocean is using their Sea Gate. And in any case, we won't be able to leave until the Merry is in a better position for us to either sneak or storm back on."

" _And how long will that take, Cross?"_ Usopp asked.

"We'll need to hide out until the sun comes up, at least. After that… I can point out a few places where we can blend in, and Soundbite's eavesdropping should make it easy enough for the rest of us to steer clear of trouble. In the meantime—"

" _WHO ARE YOU CALLING SILLY-LOOKING?!"_

I jumped as Terry's voice bellowed out of Soundbite.

" _Ow! OW! Alright, I'm sorry—OUCH!"_

Then came a voice that I was reasonably sure was Jonathan's, and I couldn't help but snicker.

" _YOU_ SHOULD _BE SORRY! ONLY A COMPLETE IDIOT WOULD FAIL TO RECOGNIZE THE SHEER_ POWER _OF A MEMBER OF THE BEAR GLOVE TRIBE!"_

" _ALRIGHT—OW!—JUST STOP PECKING—_ AGH!"

"… _should we just let Terry chase everyone away?"_ Nami asked, half-serious.

"Heh, no. As funny as this is, anyone who's attained the rank of Vice Admiral isn't someone to take lightly; a prerequisite for the position is being able to use Haki," I said. "And besides that, Jonathan is a master tactician; with how much he knows about us from the SBS, we're going to have to be very careful not to get—"

I cut myself off as, walking along the edge of the spire, I recognized a very specific balcony below me. I couldn't suppress a snicker as my mind leapt to a specific plan of action. "On the other hand, that works too. Brace yourselves, everyone, I'm about to do something stupid."

" _Oh, dear,"_ Robin said, apparently unsure whether to laugh or groan in dread at what I was doing.

" _Care to clue us in, Cross?"_ Nami asked blandly.

"I'm about to risk my life to check on the loose gold from Nola's stomach they've no doubt already moved off the Merry," I deadpanned.

" _No further questions, your honor."_

"I thought not," I chuckled before glancing at my partner in crime. "Now, then, Soundbite? Follow Jonathan."

 **-o-**

"The color and smell of the coffee, the rather temperamental South Bird, and the ancient gold… it would appear that the SBS was accurate. The Straw Hat Pirates went to Jaya recently," stated the red-haired Vice Admiral.

"Commander, you're saying that it isn't really a—?" posed a blonde-haired Marine.

Vice Admiral Jonathan waved his hand with a scoff. "Please, Henrick. I know the circumstances are suspicious, but we all heard the SBS on the way down. I don't know where the crew is, but I know that they're in the base and that that's no ghost ship."

A sunglasses-wearing Marine spoke next. "I don't understand, Commander. Weren't you just calling it a ghost ship earlier in front of the rest of the men?"

"Frankly, our men are a little too green to deal with a situation like this; as decent as they've portrayed themselves on the SBS, the fact remains that the Straw Hat Pirates have earned those bounties of theirs. If we tell everyone that they've infiltrated our ranks, it'll cause panic and confusion that will no doubt aid the pirates in whatever purpose they have here. So for now, we continue calling it a ghost ship, understood?"

"With all due respect, Commander, I'd like to raise a concern," stated Jonathan's right hand, a brown-haired Lieutenant Commander named Drake.

"Yes, Drake?"

"As powerful as Straw Hat and his crew are, I think that the biggest threat among them is that of Jeremiah Cross and his snail. From what the Marines have pieced together, Soundbite is able to hear anything in a one-mile radius, as well as make anyone in that range hear anything. And the fact that that psychotic bird actually spoke proved that the snail was close enough to us that it could translate what he was saying."

Drake folded his arms. "If they weren't exaggerating, then it's possible that they could hijack our own communications to throw the whole base into chaos. It's even possible that they could be eavesdropping on us right now!"

" _Well, it's good to see that Jonathan has some intelligent men under his command._ "

The five of them immediately stopped walking as the unmistakable voice of Jeremiah Cross echoed around them.

The sunglasses-wearing Marine grimaced. "Apparently, he _is_. And he's as annoying as we expected, too."

" **HEY!** _I'M_ the annoying **one!"** came Soundbite's signature medley of voices.

" _And I'm the crazy one. Allow me to demonstrate: Vice Admiral Jonathan, would you be willing to speak for negotiations? I'm currently in the process of ensuring that our navigator will not rip my head off for finding that any of our gold is missing from what you confiscated. Seriously, if all 500 million isn't right here like I promised, she will burn this place to the_ ground."

Vice Admiral Jonathan seemed stunned for a minute. Then he threw back his head and laughed.

"What is it, sir?" Drake asked.

Jonathan sighed as he got his laughter under control, smirking as he spoke again. "You've painted yourself as quite the brazen individual, Mister Cross, but I have to admit I'm surprised that of all the places you could have gone, you picked my personal office."

"HE WHAT?!" chorused all four of the Marines with Jonathan.

"HE picked HIS personal office. _**Do you have a**_ **HEARING PROBLEM?** "

" _With you around? The default answer to that question is a resounding_ yes… _or at minimum, a maybe depending on your mood and your opinion of the individuals in question."_

" **Fair point."**

" _Now, then, getting back on topic… are you willing to talk, Vice Admiral Jonathan? Mind you, if you choose_ not _to attend this little meeting, that's fine as well. I'll just have a conversation with your wife Jessica instead. The topic of discussion… your eating habits, maybe?"_

"…And as impossibly well-informed as he painted himself, too," the blonde Marine ground out as Jonathan paled dramatically.

" _I have not even_ begun _to demonstrate that, gentlemen, and really, I got that last bit from inspecting his bin. Seriously, for a genius, that's kind of low-brow."_

"…I'm on my way, Mister Cross," Jonathan finally said.

Commander Drake promptly started to sign orders to a nearby soldier, and jumped when a loud buzzer blasted through the air.

" _ **YOUR SLEEVES are rubbing**_ together, **dipshit."**

" _I won't even deign to try and guess what you were signing, it's so obvious. And for the record, if anyone except for Jonathan shows up, they'll be talking in chicken clucks or flatulence until we leave. You have been warned, people."_

"… Well, now I'm tempted to bring some of my subordinates with me just to see what you'll come up with," Jonathan said wryly.

"COMMANDER JONATHAN!" chorused four indignant voices, prompting both Jonathan and their two eavesdroppers to laugh anew.

"Heh… alright. In all seriousness, Henrick, go and reinforce security at the coast as well as around the Sea Gate," Jonathan said to the blonde-haired Marine, who saluted and departed.

"Cormac, I also want the brig, the ammunition store, and all major passageways secured. You'll have expanded authority to manage all related personnel," he added to the sunglasses-wearing Marine. He too saluted and departed.

"Chief Petty Officer Holger, gather a small force of men to keep perpetual guard around the Straw Hat Pirates' ship. If there are any issues, send someone to report to me in person, don't use a Transponder Snail." Following his orders, Holger bustled off, leaving only Drake and Jonathan.

"Drake… I'm going to meet with Cross alone. Go the mess hall and tell Jessica the situation—only Jessica—and then report to me for further orders. _Understood?_ "

Drake nodded with perfect understanding before running as fast as his legs could carry him. As soon as he was out of sight, Jonathan sighed and continued in the direction he had been going. Only two minutes later, he opened the door to his office, and his eyes immediately fell on the figure that could only be Jeremiah Cross, sitting right in his chair with his feet propped up on his desk, which had been turned so that he could sit at it while facing the door. He was a young man, with short, dirty blonde hair and mischievous yet lazy eyes, dressed in dark and gray clothing. A grinning Transponder Snail was perched on his shoulder, and what little of his arms could be seen due to them being crossed behind his head were covered in bandages from the elbows down.

"Vice Admiral Jonathan. It's a pleasure to meet you," he said with a smirk.

"I must admit to returning the sentiment, Mister Cross," Jonathan replied.

"Really, now? I wouldn't expect to hear that from someone who had earned the favor of Admiral Akainu."

Jonathan flinched, his face darkening before he could stop it in response to the man's name.

"Well, well, _well,"_ Cross cocked his eyebrow in surprise. " _There's_ a very particular and unusual reaction. Care to come in and talk about it?"

Jonathan was silent for a moment before chuckling ruefully and stepping into the office, closing the door behind him in the process. "Once again, Mister Cross, I have to admit I'm surprised. Your reputation precedes you, but your actions to date have barely managed to do you justice."

Cross returned the grin eagerly. "Well, really, in situations like this, it's either that or breaking down and panicking, and Nami, Usopp, Carue, and Vivi already have that covered."

" _I HEARD THAT!"_

The pirate jumped, presumably at the volume blaring in his ear, before pinning the cackling snail on his shoulder with a glare, and Jonathan chuckled. "And his reputation as an incurable prankster seems to be accurate also."

" _Thank you, thank you very much,_ " Soundbite purred.

"Took you long enough to use that one," Cross muttered before looking back at Jonathan with a solemn expression. "So, Vice Admiral, we appear to be in a delicate situation here. If you're a fan of my show, you know my stance on pirates and Marines. I happen to believe that you're one of those who follows his morals, rather than his orders… but the fact that you're one of Akainu's favorite students makes me doubtful."

Jonathan's grimace at the last line was not missed, prompting Cross to grin. "There it is again. So, you _don't_ like the guy after all?"

Jonathan carefully schooled his expression, and crossed his arms. "What business do the Straw Hat Pirates have with Navarone? Why did you infiltrate our base?" he asked, clearly trying to change the subject.

"Hey, you heard the SBS," Cross shrugged dismissively. "The balloon octopus we used to get down from the Sky Island we visited didn't leave us any way of steering." He grinned hopefully. "I cut the connection before the sirens sounded. Marineford won't know that we're here unless someone tells them. If you open the gates, we'll gladly leave without any conflict."

"And you expect me to trust you?" Jonathan asked, then shook his head with a smirk. "I say that, but honestly, I'm prepared to believe you."

Cross's expression promptly dropped into a contemplative frown, and he swung his feet off the desk, gaze dropping down to stare at the Vice Admiral. "You're nothing like Akainu. How the hell did you ever make him favor you?"

The grimace returned, but he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Cross, but despite your reputation, you're still a pirate, and I'm still the commander of this base. I'm not about to let you escape."

Cross shrugged, spreading his arms in a helpless manner. "Yes, I didn't expect it to be that easy, but you don't really care that much about capturing us. You care a lot more about enforcing morale in this base."

Jonathan's jaw dropped briefly before he continued scrutinizing the pirate. "I knew you know a lot of things that you shouldn't, but this is ridiculous. How did you find that out?"

"Easy: you just told me," Cross drawled in an overly innocent tone of voice.

"THEY KEEP THE _**old book of tricks**_ **AROUND BECAUSE THEY** _ **STILL WORK,**_ _dontcha know!"_ Soundbite cackled.

Jonathan rolled his eyes before giving the pirate a contemplative look. "Would you care for a game of chess, Cross?"

Cross grimaced and waved his hand dismissively. "No thanks, I'm no good at the game."

"Ah, what a pity," Jonathan sighed. "Nobody in the base who actually knows how to play accepts my invitation because they know my skill, and outsiders rarely have the time or desire."

Cross chuckled. "Well, I think one of our crew could give you a run for your money, but I don't think that they would be willing to reveal their identity."

" _ **Sorry, Vice Admiral**_ ," came a somewhat familiar distorted voice from mid-air, which actually did sound somewhat apologetic.

"Are _all_ of them listening?"

"Of course they are," Cross scoffed as though it were the most obvious fact in the world. "After all, they're my crew, and I wouldn't want them to miss out on this. Anyway, if you're not willing to just let us go… then how about we make this into a game?"

Jonathan's eyebrows rose. "You have my attention."

Cross leaned back in his seat, clearly at ease. "While we try to get out of here, we of the Straw Hat Pirates will stress-test Navarone, help to demonstrate how stable of a fortress it is, and help to reinvigorate the soldiers. In short, we help to prove just how much of an asset this place is to the Marine Corps. And in return…" Cross's gaze both sharpened and became slightly fearful. "You _don't_ use your Haki to completely decimate us, so we actually have a fighting chance of escaping." His smile returned. "I'll even throw in dealing with your… shall we say, 'administrative difficulties' that are due to arrive tomorrow morning?"

Jonathan did not reply.

"Come on," Cross waved his hand lackadaisically. "You can easily explain away not calling us in to HQ by saying you wanted to handle us yourself. That's totally something somebody taught by Akainu… would…" The pirate slowly trailed off as a look of realization and awe came over him. "Of course. That's it, isn't it? You _conned him."_

Jonathan kept his expression decidedly neutral. "I'm sure I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

The Vice Admiral's stomach dropped as a smile slowly spread across Cross's face. " _Nooooo_ nonono, you can _not_ fool me! Now it all makes sense! The only way someone like _you_ would agree with that arrogant _blowhard_ of a volcano would be if you were talking out of your _ass!_ You never agreed with Akainu's stupid stance of 'Absolute Justice,' you were just smart enough to know that if you _dis_ agreed once he showed interest in you, that'd be the end of you one way or another! You took advantage of that son of a bitch for the sake of the doors his reputation would open for you!"

Jonathan had no doubt, judging from Cross' even wider grin, that his face had betrayed him. Of all the people to find out his secret, it had to be the pirate with the biggest mouth of the century.

"Ohohoh _maaan…"_ Cross chuckled as he sank back in the Vice Admiral's seat, crossing his arms behind his head. "I know some people who are just going to _love_ to hear this, let me tell you…" He promptly sobered up in a panic when he noticed Jonathan's entire demeanor shift. "IIIII should have worded that better, huh?"

" **YA THINK!?"** Soundbite demanded incredulously.

"Mister Cross… allow me to issue a condition for the game that you've proposed," Jonathan stated firmly in a tone that had Cross quivering in terror. "If you fail to escape from Navarone _in twenty-four hours,_ you will be caught in _moments_ and be subsequently submitted to an interrogation so thorough that I will know memories of yours so deep and repressed that not even _you_ remember them. Please take into consideration that while you're right in that I neither like nor respect Admiral Akainu, and while I did not learn the _spirit_ of his lessons…" The man's gaze sharpened viciously. "That does not change the fact that I was an _excellent_ student."

Cross processed that, and then frowned in contemplation. "…Wait to start those twenty-four hours until sunrise, and I'll accept that. But allow me this condition: if we do manage to escape, I'm going to let you in on one of my most well-guarded secrets, one that neither I nor my crew will ever expose on the SBS. Hell, even Soundbite knows better than to blurt it, _just like this secret in particular, right, Soundbite?"_ The last sentence was finished with a pointed glare at the snail.

"YEAH, _whatever,"_ Soundbite rolled his eyes casually, until Cross grabbed his eyestalks and started pulling. " **ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT,** _MUM'S THE_ _ **word! …JERK…"**_

"Now, as I was saying… when you learn that secret, you're going to find yourself faced with what can only be defined as an ultimatum, and the decision is both effortless and excruciating. My condition is that you give it all the consideration that it deserves. Because I assure you, while nobody is going to hear your secret from my crew or myself, when you make that choice, one way or the other, it won't be a secret anymore."

"…That is very cryptic," Jonathan stated with a frown.

"Have you even been _listening_ to my show? But in all fairness, it'll be the first thing you understand when the game is over. So, then…" Cross spread his hands invitingly. "Do we have a deal?"

Jonathan closed his eyes. Ultimately, Cross was right about everything he had said, including what he hoped to get out of their infiltration. And in the end, if they were actively trying to help him, then no matter how this turned out, he would ultimately win. He opened his eyes.

"I accept your challenge, Cross. But I warn you, you're not going to win."

Cross scoffed. "That's what they all say."

Jonathan smirked. "That's fair, I suppose. But you do realize that considering that you're here, I wouldn't be violating the rules of the game to arrest you here and now, right?"

"Of course. But considering this is _me_ we're talking about… Hey, Soundbite, what's the appropriate thing to say in this case?" Cross replied, smirking back as he reached to one side, and separated the curtains. Jonathan blinked as he saw a rope reaching out of the window… and down to Cross. His smile faded even as Cross' grew.

" _I think it_ _ **would be… 'SO LONG,**_ _SUCKERS!'"_

"Damn straight!" Cross cackled as he yanked on a ripcord attached to the side of his belt. Before the Vice Admiral could react, Cross was yanked backwards and up out of the room.

"…damn it," Jonathan sighed wearily as he pinched the bridge of his nose, but smirked nonetheless. "Well played, Cross. Well played."

A moment later, the door to the office burst open, allowing Drake and a full squad of Marines to burst into the office.

"Vice Admiral Jonathan, sir! Are you alright?" the Commander demanded as he moved to secure the room.

Jonathan gave his second a flat look. "Drake, allow me to remind you that we are currently in Paradise and that the Strawhats, strong as they are, are a _rookie_ crew, and that Cross isn't a frontline fighter besides. Do you _think_ I'm alright?"

"Ah…" Drake hesitated uncomfortably as he considered that.

Jonathan shrugged as he walked over to his window and looked upwards. "Put the base on high alert and gather the senior staff in five… ten minutes. I need time to devise a proper strategy."

"Sir?"

"Oh, you weren't aware? I thought you'd have realized it by now…" Jonathan turned back to Drake with an honest and eager smile. "The games have begun."

"THAT WAS PITIFUL!"

"Indeed!"

Drake and Jonathan paled in terror. "Not them…" they chorused.

"IT'S US!" Terry roared as he and Isaiah flapped through the window and landed on the Marine's shoulders. "WE _WOULD_ HAVE STAYED INCOGNITO DURING THIS WHOLE THING!"

"But our pride as not just South Birds but as _men_ refused to allow us to remain silent!" Isaiah huffed with a shake of his beak. "Such a weak and clichéd line… it made even my most luxuriant of beaks turn up in disgust!"

"WE'VE AGREED TO SET ASIDE OUR DIFFERENCES AND WORK TOGETHER, UNTIL BOTH OF YOUR PERSONALITIES ARE BURSTING WITH _POWAAAAAAAH!"_ Terry proclaimed as he flexed his avian pecs furiously.

"As well as the cool, calm and collected _suaveness_ needed to strike blind any woman who lays eyes upon you." Isaiah swept his wing out with a flourish, light glinting off the feathers.

"…I'm married?" Jonathan tried uneasily.

"I accept your wife's thanks in advance," the bird smoothly agreed.

The officers exchanged panicked glances as their thoughts synchronized in a single word: " _Shit."_

 **-o-**

I sighed in relief as I clambered up onto the top of the rock. Damn, epic as that exit had been, that belt taxed almost every single muscle I had. Still, there was work to be done, no rest for the wicked, the weary, or the weary wicked!

"So, I take it that everyone heard that?"

" _A master tactician bold enough to con Akainu for the purpose of bolstering his reputation… I think we may have found the Marines' equivalent of Cross,"_ Robin's voice said.

" _Except that_ this _guy actually has a whole brain,"_ one of the male dugongs—Leo, I think—snarked.

"Boss, discipline your student."

" _Nah, I think I'll let this one pass."_

" _Sweet!"_

"Tsk…" I growled darkly before turning my attention to Soundbite. "By the way, I noticed something weird in there…"

" _ **The cowards'**_ **chorus, I'M GUESSING?"** he questioned. " **Alright, look,** _IT'S SIMPLE: ever since the_ **SBS started, I'VE BEEN** _ **ALTERING EVERYONE'S VOICES except**_ YOURS _and_ VIVI'S _because we need people to trust you_. BETTER _for everyone else_ _ **not to be**_ **immediately IDENTIFIABLE.** _ **But don't worry! IF THEY ALREADY KNOW**_ _YOUR VOICE, people can ID you,_ **so your families know who's who."**

I was promptly struck dumb at Soundbite's foresight. "Ah…"

" **HOW BLATANTLY** _stupid do you_ **think I am?!"**

" _You don't want that question answered,"_ a chorus of voices responded.

" **SCREW YOU PEOPLE!"**

"Alright, Soundbite's impressive show of planning ahead aside, let me lay things out. There are only two ways for us to get out of here, and considering that leaving the way we came involves hurting Merry more, I say we focus on the plainer of them: leaving through the Sea Gate. Obviously, before that, we need to regroup on Merry and steal back the supplies and gold that they confiscated from us."

" _Yes, yes, we do, because I swear to high heaven if we lose_ twenty-five percent _of my—!"_

" _Our,"_ Vivi cut in.

" _WHOEVER'S GOLD!… then I will make up for the difference in_ bounties. _Starting with everyone on this crew._ GOT IT?"

" _GOT IT!_ " everyone chorused.

" _Nami is scary,"_ Su whimpered.

"You're only _just_ figuring this out?" I muttered. "Anyway… when the sun comes up, there's going to be a group of damaged battleships coming in. Onboard those ships are a pair of arrogant would-be chefs and a _stupidly_ arrogant inspector from Marine Headquarters. These three need to be dealt with ASAP before they catch wind of our presence and call Marineford. Sanji, Robin, Luffy, that'll be up to you."

" _Huh?"_ Soundbite provided Sanji's confused expression. " _Luffy? I understand myself and Robin-schwan, but why Luffy!?"_

"Because…" I trailed off hesitantly for a second before sighing. "Because, believe it or not, Luffy's actually pretty damn good at the whole stealthy-ninja thing when he wants to be."

" _Shishishi! Years of practice playing hide-and-seek from my Grandpa!"_

"'Hide-and-seek' my ass…"

" _Eh? What was that?"_

"Nothing, nothing. Anyway, also onboard those damaged battleships are going to be a ton of soldiers in need of critical treatment. And currently, the only doctor on base is a hemophobic pediatrician. Chopper, you're going to be responsible both for curing her hemophobia and helping her save all of those patients. You shouldn't need to boost your intelligence for either of those things."

" _What? Why not? Sure, surgeries won't be any problem without boosting, but curing fear of blood? How am I supposed to do that so fast?"_

"… Tell her the story of the thief and the sakura," I said carefully. A small intake of breath came from the other end, and Chopper seemed to tear up a bit.

" _A-Alright,"_ Chopper nodded firmly.

"Nami, I'd recommend that you join Chopper as a nurse, but if you think of a better cover, feel free to use it. Usopp, once they've relocated the Merry, disguise yourself as a grunt, and Soundbite will lead you there and help you fend off any questioners. And the rest of you…" I let a grin split my face. "Well, our end of the deal is to pressure-test the base. So, starting at dawn, we're going to give this place the most unforgettable day of their _lives_."

" _Sounds good, Cross, but I've got one question,"_ Usopp cut in. " _Do we know where they took our stuff? We can replace the food and cannonballs anywhere, but the gold? And, just as importantly, Conis' arsenal and the Dials?"_

"Well, for starters, I just checked on our loose gold." I instinctively jabbed my thumb over my shoulder at the edge of the spire. "Jonathan's got all of that stashed in his office, which is technically the safest place on the whole base. It's all there, and chances are he'll keep it there even though I know it's there because of how hard it'll be to get it out from under his nose."

" _Well, at least that bit won't be_ boring…" Zoro muttered.

"And as for the rest of our stuff… Lassoo?"

" _Yeah, they haven't touched the weapons yet,"_ the dog-gun subtly huffed out.

"Right. Considering how big this base is, they probably don't think we'll be able to find her once they tow her away. _And_ Jonathan has a group standing guard over the ship, with explicit orders not to report in via Transponder Snail. That makes things at once easier and harder for us; I should be able to come up with some way to use that to our advantage, but it'll take a while before I can risk it. On the bright side, as long as Lassoo is onboard, finding the Merry will be easy."

Suddenly, Soundbite's eyestalks snapped to attention and swiveled in the direction of the roof-access I'd identified. I growled in aggravation as I followed his line of sight. "They're coming up here, aren't they?"

"WINNER WINNER, _**hope you like**_ **JAIL DINNERS!"**

"Not if I can help it!" I snapped my Flash Dial out of my bag and started clicking it out over the water. "Luffy, _please_ tell me you can see the light!"

" _I thought you guys always told me never to go towards it?"_

I winced as the sound of a door being kicked open echoed out, prompting me to click faster. "Wrong light, now _hurry the hell up and—!"_

" _Oh! Yeah, I can see you! Buuut I don't think I can reach that far…"_

I made a hasty guesstimate of the distance. "Think you can reach halfway?"

" _Oh, yeah, easy!"_

"Then grab the rope!" I grabbed a ripcord at my side…

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"

Right as an authoritative voice and a chorus of cocking guns rang out.

I _very_ slowly turned my head around and caught sight of who I assumed to be Commander Drake standing behind a firing squad of soldiers.

"Jeremiah Cross," the Commander growled acridly. "You are under arrest for piracy, divulging state secrets, disturbing the peace, terrorism—"

" _If that's in any way related to_ my _bullshit bounty_ , _you had better_ pray _that I don't find you,_ " Vivi's voice snapped viciously.

Drake and his men shivered in terror before the Commander coughed into his fist. "W-We'll put a pin in that one." He then shook his head and got back to it. "Anyways… Arson, collaboration with criminal elements, assault with a deadly snail—"

"Did you _really_ just say that?" I asked.

"—and finally, South Birds are an endangered species native to Jaya, so _that's_ importation of illegal animals." Drake crossed his arms and his face narrowed into a hot glower. "My men and I have orders to incapacitate you by any means necessary, and we've already cleaned out all of the base's wax stockpiles to block out that snail. Come quietly, or I _will_ order that you be shot in the leg."

I stared at him silently for a moment before allowing myself a cocky grin that _obviously_ set him and his men on edge. "Two things. First, that is by far the _worst_ impression of Commodore Smoker that I have _ever_ seen." I revelled in the number of veins that comment made pop up on the officer's forehead before continuing. "And second?" I yanked on my belt's ripcord, causing the grappling rope to be launched out over the bay where it started to fall midway across… before being grabbed and yanked taut by a stretched out rubbery arm.

I shot the now-infuriated Marine a mocking salute. "Catch me if you can, copper!"

"FIRE!" Drake roared.

Thankfully, I was yanked out of the line of fire and through the void by the belt strapped around my pelvis. And for a few moments, I enjoyed the sensation of flying through the air. But then I remembered exactly how careful Luffy was with his crewmates when he did this. That is to say, _not_.

"Woahwoahwoah _WATCH I—!"_ I started to belt out—

 _CRASH!_

Before I slammed face-first into a tree. "Why does this feel so familiar…" I slurred.

" _George, George,_ **George of the Jungle!"**

"Oh, yeah…" I groaned out as I peeled out of the tree and landed on my back. I lay there for all of ten seconds before a hand grabbed my collar and yanked me up through several trees to be brought face to face with a very familiar, very _stupidly_ grinning face.

"Hey, Cross!" Luffy waved innocently.

I returned the grin with a decidedly bland look. "Captain… if it weren't liable to get me dropped three dozen feet… I just want you to know… _I would punch you."_

Luffy tilted his head in confusion. "Eh? But you already did that last night when I knocked that barrel of beer on you, and your hand was more hurt than I was."

"Yeah, but it made _me_ feel better," I scoffed.

" _Us too!"_ over half the crew concurred.

"Now, put me on a branch before my jacket tears, or so help me, I'll charge you for a new one… _with interest rates that would make Nami proud_." Luffy promptly plopped me onto a branch, allowing me to readjust my hoodie's collar with a huff. "Damn last one being burnt clean through, freaking swear this place is tearing through my wardrobe for shits and giggles…"

" _What the hell do you have to complain about? Have you_ seen _how many shirts Zoro goes through? His wardrobe made up almost a clean thirty percent of his debt!"_ Nami scoffed.

" _Excuse me for being one of the so-called 'Monster Trio.' Would_ you _have preferred fighting Ohm or Mr. 1?"_ Zoro shot back.

" _Not to mention at least half of those shirts are destroyed in training,"_ Robin pointed out. " _And he generally doesn't stop to put on a new one."_

"… _That is pretty nice,"_ Nami and Vivi admitted practically simultaneously.

I silently debated what to say to that before deciding to shove that into a locked box somewhere in my subconscious. "Alright, can we forego that argument for the moment in favor of trying to nail down a solid location for everyone?" I glanced around contemplatively. "I'll start off. Currently, Terry and Isaiah are with Jonathan, most likely pestering him beyond all belief, Lassoo is onboard the Merry, and Luffy, Soundbite and I are situated in the forest on top of the base's outer ring."

" _My students and I are all in the water nearest the Merry, beside the outer ring,"_ Boss said.

" _Conis, Su, and I are just outside the forest, by the shore where the base starts. I can't see the Merry from where I am—ARGH!"_ Chopper said before cutting himself off with a yelp.

" _And I would jusht like you all to know—_ hic!— _that I love you all_ very _musch!"_ Conis added dizzily. " _Eshpecially Chopper… sho fluffy…"_

" _She's… crushing… me…"_ Chopper wheezed out miserably.

" _Yeaaah, Conis isn't handling the oxygen levels that well,"_ Su noted blandly.

" _Why aren't you drunk off your ass, then?"_ Mikey (I think) asked.

" _Because_ I've _spent every other weekend clambering through the roots of Upper Yard since I was… eh, three, I think? Seriously, with trees that big, you get used to oxygen_ fast," the cloud fox said, her shrug borderline audible.

" _Mmph—GAH! HEAVY POINT! Huff… Huff… Geeze, I almost died… Alright, I think I'm going to take my chances and look for the medical room ASAP,"_ Chopper panted. " _I left my bag on the Merry, and Conis needs treatment badly."_

"Ugh… fair enough, but try not to be seen. Soundbite—"

" _You DON'T HAVE TO_ _ **tell me,**_ **Cross,** " the snail said, his face screwed up in concentration.

"Alright, then… moving on?"

" _Robin and I are in the forest, too, though judging by those muzzle flashes I saw, we're on the other side from you and Luffy,"_ Usopp said.

" _I'm on a small beach, just got out of the water,"_ Zoro grumbled, the sound of wringing out clothes and water dripping coming over the background. " _I can still see the Merry from where I am, too, but I'm too likely to be seen where I am."_

" _I managed to ride my Waver up the outer ring. I'm hiding out in some tall grass at the edge of some cliffs. I've got a clear view of the rock spire, but I can barely see the Merry,"_ Nami said.

" _I'm in the forest, too, and I'm guessing I'm pretty close to you, Cross; I saw Luffy's arm stretch out from where I was,"_ Sanji said.

A pause as I counted that out… during which I noticed Soundbite with an odd expression on his face, somewhere between gobsmacked and 'about to burst out laughing'. "Uh, Vivi and Carue? Where are you?"

" _We… well, see, this… this is kind of awkward,"_ Vivi ground out.

"How so?"

 **-o-**

"Well…" Vivi rubbed the back of her head uncomfortably as she looked around the bunk she was laying in. "See, I'm currently inside the base, hiding in one of the barracks…" She paused as she noticed some movement in her peripheral vision, then smiled as she accepted a glass from the flustered soldier standing next to her. "Thank you!…and I just accepted a drink from one of the Marines who's helping Carue and I hide here." She punctuated the silence that followed with a _looong_ drain from her drink's straw.

"… _What,"_ Cross finally said.

" _WHAT,"_ concurred the vast majority of the rest of the crew.

Vivi swallowed with a contented sigh before eyeing her glass contemplatively. "I'll be honest, the service I've received thus far beats some of the spas back in Alubarna, and those are legitimately royal-class establishments."

"She's got dat wight!" Carue sighed as another soldier brushed his feathers. "Wittle moa to da wight… wittle moa… ahhh, _dat's da spot…"_

"T-t-thank you very much, your highness!" the soldier who'd served Vivi stammered bashfully. "I-If there's anything else you need, feel free to ask!"

" _Alright, we just fell out of the freaking sky and I just escaped being shot at, I utterly_ refuse _to believe that what I'm hearing isn't the result of some adrenaline-fueled stroke-induced hallucination!"_ Cross protested.

" _Three words, Cross: Great. Octopus._ Shogunate. _We have seen weirder, and I'm willing to bet a million beris that you know we haven't seen the weirdest of all yet,"_ Nami growled.

"… _Noooo, no, we have_ not. _Ugh… well, on the bright side, it looks like we might have just found a much less risky way to help Conis. Vivi, think you can ask those Marines if they'd be willing to help a genuine angel?_ "

Vivi shot a brief glance up at the soldiers before plastering a desperate smile on her face. "One second," she hissed beneath her breath before raising her voice. "Oh, boys! Would the two of you mind fetching Carue and I an assorted vegetable platter please?"

"With a bucket a' wanch dwessing!" Carue piped up, smiling sheepishly at the glare Vivi sent him. "What? Ah'm hungwy!"

"Right away, ma'am!" the soldiers snapped off a salute before marching out of the bunkroom.

Vivi waited until the door was shut before collapsing on the bunk with an exasperated sigh. "Sweet guys. Stupid, but sweet. Anyway, here's the basics of my current situation: I'm in the care of a couple of Marines who seem to be a cross between Sanji and those braindead bounty hunters we met with Wyvern. They believe what I said on the SBS, they're willing to help me… but _only_ me. I asked them at first if they were willing to help the rest of you, and they refused. And when I asked if they would be willing to just help the females, well… they seemed torn on Conis, Raphey isn't human, they don't know Robin's gender, and Nami… is just too scary."

"… _I can live with that,"_ Nami finally decided.

" _Ditto,"_ Raphey concurred.

"So, the bottom line is, I could probably convince them to take in Conis, and probably Su along with her, but Chopper wouldn't be able to come along, so…" She scratched the back of her head uncomfortably.

" _Yeah, that_ would _kind of defeat the purpose, wouldn't it…"_ Chopper grumbled before sighing despondently. " _Alright, back to Plan A."_

" _Sneaking an oxygen-drunk blonde with wings through the halls of an enemy base on High Alert,"_ Su summarized with a grin obvious in her voice. " _Ten minutes with you guys and my life's already more exciting than it's been in the past six_ years!"

" _YOU AIN'T_ **seen** _ **nuthin'**_ _yet!_ " Soundbite chortled.

" _But anyways,"_ Cross spoke up. " _For now, Vivi, it sounds like you're in a good enough situation. Just sit tight and wait for further developments."_

Before the princess could say anything further, the door to the room opened and the soldiers from earlier entered and proffered her a _very_ delicious-looking assortment of vegetables.

"I _think_ I can handle that," she conceded as she laid back and took a bite from a stalk of celery.

Carue punctuated the point by gleefully burying his beak in the ranch bucket.

 **-o-**

"Alright, with that done… Boss, if anything goes wrong, you and your students should be able to get there fastest, so be ready to move."

" _Roger loud and clear, Cross. We're ready to go in hard at a moment's notice."_

" _Say 'that's what she said' and I will twist your head around a full 360 degrees,"_ Raphey blandly added, which was followed up by a nervous gulp.

"And the rest of you…" I heaved out a jaw-cracking yawn as I settled against the trunk of the tree I was in. "Try to lay low until morning. We'll need more information before I can form a good escape plan. So for now… g'night."

A chorus of goodnights rang out before silence finally reigned, and I allowed myself to _driiiift_ off to sleep.

 **-o-**

Jonathan sat in his office, looking over his chessboard as he considered the Straw Hat Pirates. He had little doubt that all of the crew would be following the deal that he had made with Cross, but considering said deal, it appeared that today was going to be stressful. After all, to show how strong the base was while at the same time maximizing their chances of escape, he had no doubt that they would be hitting Navarone's weak spots. That being the case, he would need to attempt to strike theirs as well.

He had gathered together the highest ranking members of the base, and called to mind what they could about the Straw Hat Pirates.

"Altogether, we have ten humans and nine animals to worry about."

"Wouldn't it technically be nine humans and ten animals, sir? I mean, their doctor…" Holger asked.

"Devil Fruit priorities, Chief Petty Officer," Cormac interrupted. "He's a human-reindeer, so he counts as human."

Jonathan nodded absentmindedly in agreement. "In any event, of those animals, the five dugongs are likely to be the most problematic. I have no doubt that they're somewhere in the water; they'll be difficult to fight off on the land, and that's if we manage to get them out of the water. The dog-weapon couldn't have swum off of their ship, but it's not unreasonable to assume that someone could have carried him."

"Shall we investigate the Straw Hat Pirates' arsenal more closely to see if it's there?" Holger asked.

"Hmm… not immediately. Have a couple of men poke around in there, maybe take a few things. If the dog is there, he should alert Cross, and that will solicit some sort of reaction. It won't be able to use explosives in such close quarters, so we'll be able to apprehend it with relative ease. And if nothing happens, then nothing happens, and we'll have to watch out for dogs in the base."

Holger and the rest of the officers nodded.

"Now, moving on… the Supersonic Duck will almost certainly be with Princess Vivi, and while I'm not sure how dangerous of a fighter he'll be, it's clear that he has formidable endurance. I should expect nothing less from what's essentially a royal bodyguard. Soundbite is an obvious threat; I trust that the earplugs have already been distributed?"

"Yes, sir," Drake said. "All units have been warned and are at _minimum_ carrying artillery-grade ear protectors."

"Good. And as for the fox… from what I've heard, I don't think she'll be any more dangerous than these South Birds are…" The Vice Admiral grimaced miserably. "Though they're bad enough on their own."

"SIT UP STRAIGHT! A TRUE MAN'S POSTURE IS FILLED WITH _POOOWAAAAH!"_ Terry roared in the Vice Admiral's ears.

"For once I agree with my companion," Isaiah added in his usual baritone. "Proper posture, and the discipline that comes from cultivating it, is a necessity for true manliness." He then proceeded to cuff the back of Drake's head. "That means you too, _Lieutenant Commander."_

The officer ground his teeth viciously with murder blazing in his eyes. "Remind me _why_ we haven't shot, eaten and mounted these colorful turkeys yet?" he demanded indignantly.

"Because neither of us has two million Beri to burn in fines and I promised to take Jessica to San Faldo for our anniversary, and if either of us jeopardizes that, she will serve us to the whole base for dinner," Jonathan deadpanned.

Everyone in the room froze as a wave of existential dread washed over them, which Drake punctuated by swallowing heavily. "Withdrawn…"

"Moving along…" Jonathan rubbed his chin in thought. "Of the remaining crewmates, if the last thing they said on the SBS was any indication, their new gunner is likely to be suffering from oxygen poisoning right now, meaning that their doctor will most likely be with her. I think they'll find their way to the medical wing before long."

"Should we send guards to intercept them, sir?" Henrick asked.

"Mmmm…" the Vice Admiral hummed contemplatively before shaking his head. "No. Not yet, let him perform the necessary treatment first. After all, we're not trying to make them suffer, merely to capture them. And I'd rather not risk their doctor… boosting, I believe it was. He's no doubt formidable enough without referencing Mr. Stevenson. No, we'll leave the medical wing alone for now; if they start causing trouble there, then we'll do whatever we must, though as it stands I don't think there's anything to worry about."

He waited for his staff to nod before continuing. "Now, moving on. Their chef is likely to infiltrate the kitchen. Jessica did admit that the suggestions he gave on the SBS have drastically improved the quality of our meals, so it should be easy enough to spot him going off of his skills… but on the other hand, the Marley brothers are due to arrive today."

As he said that, he recalled Cross' words about dealing with their 'administrative difficulties'. If he remembered right, there was an inspector due to arrive today as well. If Cross knew that, he was likely to know about the chefs as well. "Drake, once we're done here, warn Jessica to be on her toes; the Straw Hats may attempt to impersonate the Marley brothers."

"Yes, sir." The Commander snapped into a salute.

"Well, those are the easy ones," Jonathan sighed. "The rest are… less obvious. Cross is most likely going to keep his head down for the time being, keeping everyone connected. That leaves Straw Hat Luffy, Roronoa Zoro, Nefertari Vivi, their navigator, their sniper, and their unknown crewmate. The former three are likely going to stay as out of sight as they can, as we know their faces, but we can safely assume that the latter three are going to attempt to blend in."

He removed a piece of paper from his desk with specific instructions and gave it to Drake. "Here, I want you to pass these directions down through the ranks, make sure it remains written but _not_ spoken. And should you come across anyone who seems suspicious, be certain to remember that the passcode is Marineford Tango Enies. Understood?"

Drake scanned the paper for a moment before passing it along to the rest of the officers and snapping his superior a salute. "Completely and utterly, sir."

"Good." Jonathan nodded firmly, before allowing a serious expression to come over him and spread to the rest of his men. "Now, make note here: I'm giving the Straw Hats a fighting chance, if only because it will be beneficial for our troops to get some exercise. However…"

Jonathan stood up and walked over to the window, observing the colors of a sunrise painted across the sky. "If they're still running free in this base by sunrise tomorrow, I will _personally_ make sure that every last one of them ends up in the brig." He turned his head enough to give his subordinates a chilling look. "And I _sincerely_ hope that it doesn't come to that."

The tone of voice he used made Drake, Holger, Henrick, and Cormac break into a cold sweat. As easygoing as their leader normally was, the fact remained that Cross _had_ implored for him not to get involved for a reason that they all knew: nobody obtained the rank of Vice Admiral unless they were singlehandedly capable of matching their entire squad in power, much less somebody favored by the 'Mad Dog' of the Marines. And they held no illusions that the base's recent stretch of inactivity had in _any_ way diminished that strength, either.

"We will ensure that they are captured, sir!" the four of them chorused. Jonathan nodded, the seriousness on his face melting away with a tired sigh.

"At ease. Drake… ask Jessica to include the strongest brew on base with my breakfast, then assemble a force to seek out the Straw Hats. The rest of you, to your assigned stations. Send all transmissions in person or in writing; do not use Transponder Snails unless the situation is dire. Dismissed."

Jonathan didn't turn to watch as his men filtered out of his office. Rather, he continued to scan the skyline of his base, his _home,_ waiting, waiting, waiting… until finally, the first rays of a new day broke through the darkness.

Slowly and patiently, without so much as a hint of worry, Jonathan turned around and inched a pawn forward on the board.

"Let the games begin."

All Terry had to say about _that_ was a nervous gulp.

 **MORNING**

 **-24 Hours Remain-**

My first thought as I woke up, which I had as I leaned up and stretched my arms in a yawn, was that my hammock wasn't supposed to be this hard and uncomfortable and wood-like.

My second thought, which came _much_ faster as I tried to roll to the side and was promptly forced to catch myself in a sloth-grip, was the realization that I _was_ sleeping against wood, as well as the recollection that my captain and animal sidekick were currently hiding out in the middle of a Marine base.

My _third_ thought… wasn't so much a thought as a realization. More specifically, I realized that we weren't alone when a branch snapped abo— _below_ me.

This realization was confirmed when I looked _DOWN_ and caught sight of a pair of dumbstruck Marines staring _UP_ at me.

We stared at each other for a scant few seconds before I adopted a bland expression. "You two _do_ realize that the fact that you've managed to find us is _not_ a good thing, right?"

The soldiers nodded miserably in agreement.

We stayed frozen for a few moments longer until Soundbite decided to add in his own two cents by emerging from his shell and giving the Marines a toothy smile. " _You boys_ _ **gon' DIE."**_

 _That_ snapped the soldiers into action, one running off through the trees while the other— _fumbled with a baby Transponder Snail? OH, HELL NO!_

I promptly let go of the branch and twisted my body around, falling on the hapless Marine with a bellowing cry of " _BODYSLAM!"_

I crashed down on the soldier and we promptly fell into a down-and-dirty no-holds-barred brawl… for all of fifteen seconds until I managed to grab the back of the poor bastard's head—

 _THWACK!_

And ram his face right into my _goddamn knee ARGH! "SON OF A BITCH!"_ I yowled as I managed to leap to my feet and start hopping around, clutching my burning joint in agony. "GODDAMN MONKEY MANGO SACK ASS PINEAPPLE WHISKEY TANGO TURKEYS TROTTING TO FUCKING _WATER!_ _RIGHT ON THE MOTHERFUCKING BORDERLINE BETWEEN HEALTHY AND CRISPY OOOOOW!"_

"HEY!" Soundbite roared in my ear. " _Less agonizing,_ _ **more hustling! THE OTHER ONE'S GETTING AWAY!"**_

I snapped my head up and glared daggers at the back of the running soldier. "Like hell he is!"

I promptly started hopping after him—

"GUM GUM!"

Before pausing and looking up at my captain in—why was he puffed up in Gum Gum Balloon form and why was he holding his pipe to his—?"

"BLOWGUN!"

 _CRACK!_

I reeled in shock as a noise as loud and sharp as a pistol blasted out of the end of Luffy's pipe. I barely had enough time to snap my head around to stare at the fleeing Marine… just as he snapped a hand to the back of his skull and collapsed into a boneless heap.

I gaped in shock for a second or two before blinking in realization. "Was that an acorn?" I called up to Luffy.

"Yup!" Luffy grinned as he shot me a thumbs-up. "Pretty cool, huh?"

I started to nod before freezing in panic as a horrifying thought struck me. "That guy's still alive, right?"

" _ **YEP!"**_

" _Oh-thank-God…"_ I wheezed as I clutched my chest in relief. "I don't know _how_ Jonathan would kill us using a fishing rod, but I am _positive_ that that's how he would do it if we killed one of his men."

"Personally, Cross, I think you should be more concerned with the fate _worse_ than death that awaits you if the Vice Admiral gets his hands on you."

"GAH!" I jumped in terror before spinning around to glare at our suddenly-present cook. "Don't _do that_ , damn it!"

Sanji ignored me as he lit up a cigarette and took a drag before giving me a flat look. "Hence," he continued as though I hadn't interrupted him. "You should really be thanking me for saving your hide from _that_ guy over there." He jabbed his thumb over his shoulder.

I tilted my head slightly in confusion. "Uh…?"

"I'm pointing at the _third_ soldier that was with these two morons and who was about to call in your shit-hiding spot when I gave him a concussion," Sanji explained dryly.

I promptly plastered a desperate smile on my face. "Have I ever mentioned how much I _love_ the fact that you're one-third secret agent?"

I didn't take the time to puzzle over _why_ Sanji suddenly inhaled the rest of his cigarette and started choking, instead calling up to Luffy. "Hey Captain, mind gathering up these mooks so that we can strip them for their uniforms and then tie 'em up?"

"Sure, just gimme a sec!" Luffy promptly swung off, moving in a way that was _way_ too natural for a human being.

I stared after him in awe for a second before giving Sanji a wary glance. "I'm not the _only_ one who wonders about just how 'human' Luffy is, right?"

"That's rich, coming from you," the cook snickered.

"Har har, very funny…" I scoffed. "Alright, that aside, once we've got these guys taken care of, you two will need to head into the base and find a pair of cooks from HQ known as the Marley brothers; the battleships they'll be on haven't arrived yet, but I doubt it'll be long. Once you find them, nab their clothes and pretend to be them so that you can infiltrate the base's kitchen."

"… Infiltrate the kitchens… with Luffy."

"Just keep him on a leash." I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, while you're doing that, I'll stay here and watch over the Marines and keeping everyone connected."

Luffy chose that point to make his return, three KO'd Marines in one hand. I gave them a quick onceover before nodding. "Alright, pick a uniform, get dressed, and get going."

"Right!" Luffy nodded as he started divesting the soldiers.

Soon enough, the Marines were clad in only their skivvies and left hanging from the branches of the trees, thoroughly gagged and bound with no chances of escape.

I watched my newly disguised comrades leave for a few seconds before leaning back into the trunk of the tree I was settled in and looking at Soundbite. "So, now that that particular instance of madness is over and done with, the next most pressing issue among our crew is Conis. Chopper, how is she?"

" _Ah… well, she's certainly_ alive… _though beyond that—GRK!_ "

 **-o-**

"Fluuufffyyy…" Conis giggled as she buried her face in the scruff of the flailing doctor's neck.

"I honestly think her current condition is very much a matter of perspective and opinion…" the reindeer said with a tone of forced calm.

" _Shouldn't you be doing your little dance and blatantly lying about how compliments don't make you happy?"_

"First off, those compliments really _don't_ make me happy!" Chopper snapped as he tried to wriggle his way out of Conis' _stupidly_ strong grip. "And second, she's not complimenting my medical prowess, she's complimenting my _fur._ Totally different!"

" _Riiiight. You know, next time we meet Ace, I think I'll ask him to keep an eye out for an opportunity to throw a fireball at your shorts."_

"Oh, shut up!"

" _Heh… Anyway, how long do you think it'll take for her to get over this?"_

"Ergh, it's hard to—Hey, don't pull on—OWOWOW!"

"Heeheehee— _GRK!"_ Conis continued to giggle blearily as she yanked on Chopper's antlers before suddenly jerking up ramrod straight for a second, and then collapsing forwards into a snoring heap, revealing Su perched on her back with her paw on a syringe sticking out of the Angel's shoulder.

"Sedative," she explained blandly. "Sorry, but that was starting to get old."

"I appreciate that, Su," Chopper groaned, massaging his head at the base of his antlers before switching to his Heavy Point and picking up Conis. "Now, we need to get her a controlled flow of air so that she can adapt, or she'll be just as… incoherent when she wakes up again. Now, where's an air tank we can use…"

"Oh! Excuse me, I thought all of the other doctors were gone."

Chopper froze and Su bolted under a nearby table like a flash of greased lightning when a feminine voice came from behind them. Its owner turned out to be a purple-haired young woman with glasses and a white coat.

" _Don't panic,"_ Cross said, directly in their ears. " _That's most likely the hemophobe I told you about, Dr. Kobato. She's a good physician, but she's also something of a ditz. Act natural, and she won't notice anything's wrong. Worst comes to worst, you can flash some blood, and she'll be out like a light."_

"Uh… you're Doctor Kobato?" Chopper asked hesitantly.

"Yes, that's me," the woman replied calmly. "And you?"

"Uh… H-Hiriluk, my name is Doctor Hiriluk," the reindeer hastily answered, drawing himself upright in an effort to project an air of authority. "It's a good thing you're here, I need your help. This young woman is suffering from oxygen poisoning; I was forced to sedate her as her delirium became dangerous. Where do you keep your oxygen tanks?"

A hint of steel came into Kobato's eyes as she took in the unconscious Conis, but her smile never faltered as she walked over to one of the cots. "We have one here, Doctor. Just lay her down and I'll help you get her set up."

Chopper nodded, carefully taking Conis into his arms before laying her on the bed, making sure to tuck the blankets in such a way that her wings were hidden. Kobato didn't notice this, fortunately, too busy with placing the mask over Conis' face. "What was the cause of this, Doctor?"

"Uhh…"

" _Repeat after me, Chopper,"_ Cross hissed. The doctor nodded automatically as he spoke the words that came into his ears.

"Oh, it was a sudden decrease in altitude, I think she tried jumping off the top of a Marine base. How she got out of that without a scratch, I don't know, but she's been incoherent since we arrived here."

"J-jumped off the top of a Marine base?" Kobato said incredulously.

"She's sort of a thrill seeker," Chopper shrugged.

"Oh. Well, that makes sense."

' _She actually bought that?'_ Su thought incredulously.

' _She actually bought that…'_ Chopper thought in resignation.

"Well, thankfully she _looks_ to be fine…" The Marine doctor tilted her head contemplatively as she looked Conis over. "Still," Chopper felt his heart skip a beat when she started to run her hands over his crewmate in a sickeningly familiar manner. "Just to be sure, I'll give her a routine physical."

"Ah-ah-ah—!" Chopper sputtered frantically as he flailed his arms in a panic behind her back. "T-t-t-there's really no need for that, I-I already gave her a onceover myself, s-she's fine!"

"Oh, no, it's no trouble at all," Kobato waved him off absentmindedly without taking her attention off of Conis. "I trust your prognoses but I just feel like it would be prudent to double-check is all. It always pays to have a second opinion, you know?"

"Aheh… yeah, right…" Chopper trailed off uncomfortably. He then proceeded to snap into his Brain Point and start desperately rummaging through his pack, the hardier medical instruments flung out in succession.

Kobato, meanwhile continued patting Conis down while entirely oblivious to her 'colleague's' panic. "Alright, limbs and neck seem fine, moving on to the spinal column…" She reached under the covers and paused in confusion as she felt _feathers_ of all things brush her fingers. "Well, that's odd, I could have _sworn_ that this mattress was in perfect condition a few hours ago." She continued feeling around for a bit before sighing in relief. "Oh, never mind, it's fine, these feathers are merely attached to the patient's wi—" She paused as she ran that thought through her head a few times before recoiling in shock. " _The patient's wings!?"_

"Ah-ah…" Chopper fumbled for an answer for a second before chancing upon an idea. " _Of course_ she has wings!" he blurted in a forced 'no duh' tone of voice. "S-She's from a _Sky_ Island, they all have wings up there! W-Were you not aware of this?"

Kobato's shock evaporated into confusion as she mulled that statement over before she finally chuckled and slapped her forehead. "Ha, of course! _Now_ I remember! My apologies, I'm known as something of a ditz around the base, you see."

Chopper and Su breathed simultaneous sighs of relief.

Meanwhile, the Marine continued chuckling as she continued examining Conis. "But still, you can't exactly fault me for my ignorance. After all, I only learned that Sky Island existed a few days ago by listening to the SBS."

Both Chopper and Su tensed as they prepared for the worst, only to relax when Kobato didn't elaborate.

Finally satisfied, the doctor withdrew her hands and walked over to a countertop where she picked up a clipboard. "Alright, everything seems perfectly normal, I'll begin filling out her chart. What's the patient's name?"

"Conis, no last name," Chopper answered instinctively before slapping his hooves over his mouth in horror. Said horror intensified when Kobato stopped writing.

"C-O-N-I-S?" she asked in confirmation.

"N-no, K…" Chopper corrected fearfully.

"Oh, alright then!" Kobato nodded with a smile. "I just ask because her name sounded like Conis. You know, the Strawhats' latest recruit? She's from a Sky Island too, so I imagine that there'll be some confusion in her future."

"…yeah, I imagine so…" Chopper slowly nodded in agreement.

"Alright…" Kobato moved on to another line. "And does she have any family I should be aware of?"

"Just her father back on Skypiea." Chopper rolled his eyes in exasperation as he turned to the room's medical cabinets and started fiddling around with their contents. ' _After all,'_ he reasoned with himself. ' _You never know when you might need to restock.'_

Kobato nodded again as she continued writing. "Got it, father in Skypiea. Just… like…" Ice shot through Chopper and Su's veins when the doctor slowly stopped writing and trailed, the blood drained from her face in horror as she slowly looked at Conis' face. "C-Conis with a C…"

The room was paralyzed for a moment until the Zoan in the room thumped his head against the nearest available shelf. "I don't suppose there's any chance that you'd do us the favor of _not_ screaming?" Chopper groaned in resignation.

Kobato's response was to open her mouth—

" _Oh, come on!"_

And promptly gag when a bundle of white fur was stuffed into it.

"Out of all the slip-ups— _OW!_ — _that's_ when you finally connect the dots!?" Su snarled as she held on to the doctor's shoulder for dear life, her tail firmly wedged in the doctor's mouth. She then snapped her head over to Chopper. "Hurry the hell up, sawbones!"

Kobato reeled and scrabbled with Su for a moment…

 _THWACK!_ "MMPH!" " _YEOW!"_

Before biting down _hard_ on the tail when she felt _something_ thin and hard plunge into her shoulder, which in turn elicited a yowl of vulpine pain from Su.

However, the doctor's pain lasted only a moment before oblivion invaded her mind and she slumped over on Conis' bed, dead to the world save for her snores.

Su whimpered miserably as she held her bitten tail before her face. "That… was unpleasant…" She proceeded to snap a glare at Chopper. "And what took _you_ so long, hm!?"

"Forgive me for not thinking I'd need to stock up on _syringes_ of all things…" Chopper panted as he slowly lowered his arm from the post-throw position it had been in. He then sighed despondently as he changed to his Heavy Point and gingerly extracted a now-empty needle from Kobato's shoulder. "I am getting _way_ too much experience with this."

Su spared a moment from licking her own tail to snicker at him. "Yeah, you're right. After all, there _are_ better ways to get girls then pumping them full of chemicals, don't you know? Tseeheehee—!"

The human-reindeer held up the syringe, light glinting menacingly off the needle. "I can refill this with the appropriate dosage in _seconds."_

"Shutting up now," Su said quickly.

" _Mmph… well, there's the proof of how much of a ditz she is. I honestly forgot that she was_ that _bad,_ " Cross said. " _Anyway, once she's awake, you should have enough of an opportunity to talk her into helping the patients that will arrive soon. She'll be outright on our side once you've cured her hemophobia."_

"Hooray," Su and Chopper chorused unenthusiastically.

" _Oh, perk up, her dad's a shipwright who'll look after the Merry and help Usopp patch her up once we get them together. Anyway, moving on…"_

 **-o-**

" _Robin, how are things going with your mission?"_

"Perfectly, Cross," Robin replied, striding down the hallway in her stolen outfit without so much as a care in the world. "The ship from HQ has just arrived and they are unloading men now. I've already dealt with the good inspector and am touring the facilities as we speak. On that note, I took the liberty of incapacitating the Marley brothers while I was at it. Soundbite, if you'd be so kind as to direct Mr. Cook and the captain to them?"

" _ **Roger roger."**_

" _We've got them. Thank you, my darling!"_

" _Nice work, Robin!"_

" _What the monkey said. So… at the risk of losing my appetite now and forever, what happened to Condo—er, I mean, Shepherd?"_

"Well…" Robin said with a smirk.

 **-o-**

A Marine grunt stared, jaw dropped, at the sight that awaited him in the supply closet where he had gone to fetch a mop.

A man with short black hair in a widow's peak who was wearing a magenta undershirt and purple pants was bound and gagged in the room. While that was odd in and of itself, the part of the ensemble that drew his attention most was the note pinned to said man's undershirt, which clearly read ' _I'm a stuck-up ass from HQ looking to shut this base down for the glory of it!'_ Hesitantly, the man reached out to un-gag the squirming man, who spat for a few seconds before barking at him.

"You incompetent buffoon! What made you hesitate to help me? I'll have you court-martia—MMPH?!"

The grunt promptly replaced the gag, grabbed the mop he had come for, and closed the door in the man's face.

"Hey, you were in there awhile," the grunt's friend noted in surprise. "Anything wrong?"

"Nope," the grunt said, marching away from the closet without so much as missing a beat. "Not a thing."

 **-o-**

" _PFFHAHAHAHAHA! Robin, in case you happened to miss the memo any time in the past few years, you are a genius."_

"Trust me, I'm aware," she purred cheekily.

" _Well, anyway, be careful when you meet with the Vice Admiral. Jonathan's the kind of guy who's taken the time to find out what an aged-up version of your bounty picture would look like. Easy money says that he'll recognize you when he sees you, but with any luck he'll be too intrigued or amused to do anything about it. No guarantees, though."_

Robin's eyebrow twitched minutely in irritation, though she didn't break her stride. "And you didn't think to mention this sooner?"

" _Hey, my knowledge is spotty at best, alright? I'm mostly playing this by the ear. Just… hope for the best."_

The ex-assassin flexed her fingers. "I am starting to see the appeal of using you as a punching bag, Mister Jeremiah."

" _Har har, very funny. Anyway, moving on. Nami, how you holding up?"_

" _Ah…"_ their navigator grit out uncomfortably. " _See, the answer to that question's kind of… complicated."_

"Oh, come now, Miss Navigator," Robin chided as she brought her fist to her mouth in order to hide a chuckle. "How bad could it possibly—?"

Robin's words died in her throat when she reached an intersection and was brought face to face with the subject of discussion in question.

The archaeologist stared in shock for several seconds before slowly raising her sunglasses onto her forehead in order to get a better view. "… Well now. Dare I even ask?"

Nami groaned miserably as she clawed a hand down her face. "I wound up in the laundry room looking for something to wear, some Marines walked in on me while I was holding this coat, one lie led to another and suddenly I'm masquerading using my mother's name and rank!"

"… _Please tell me I'm misremembering seeing a picture of your mother wearing a coat only_ Captains or higher _wear,"_ Cross deadpanned.

"No, Cross," Robin shook her head slowly as she took in the ornate coat Nami was wearing. "No, you are most certainly _not."_

" _Ugh… well, depending on how good Nami's espionage skills are, this could either be a windfall or a calamity. Nami, I know you did a lot of masquerading as a pirate for the last few years, but how good are you at impersonating a Marine?"_

Before Nami could respond, she was interrupted by a Marine walking around a blind corner and almost running into her. "Ah—! S-Sorry about that ma'am, I wasn't looking where I was going and—!"

"HOW DARE YOU!" Robin watched with bemusement as the crew's navigator grabbed the hapless soldier's collar and drew him in close so that she was roaring directly in his face. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA JUST HOW MUCH THIS COAT COSTS? I COULD TAKE EVERY BERI YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC FAMILY HAS MADE IN THE LAST TEN GENERATIONS AND IT STILL WOULDN'T EVEN BE ENOUGH TO GET IT _DRYCLEANED,_ YOU UTTER IGNORAMUS!"

"I-I'm so sorry, p-please forgive me, Captain, I-I-I won't do it again!" the Marine sobbed miserably, tears fountaining down his cheeks.

"You want my forgiveness?" Nami spat. "Then go to this base's godforsaken kitchen and order me a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred, with a twist of aged tangerine, three and a half cubes of ice, _and a green umbrella IN NO LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES!"_ She then proceeded to all but throw the soldier down the hallway he'd come out of, yelling after his retreating back. "AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL IF YOU GET SO MUCH AS _ONE_ ELEMENT OF THAT DRINK WRONG, BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL WON'T!"

The incognito pirates watched him run like the hounds of hell were on his heels before Nami turned to Robin with a beatific smile. "So, you'll be the good Marine and I'll be the bad Marine, then?"

"I would say so, Miss Navigator," Robin chuckled in agreement.

" _Daaaaaamn…"_ Cross breathed in awe. " _You've been holding out on us, haven't you?"_

"Are you kidding?" Nami scoffed as she and Robin started walking down the hallway again. "I've got almost ten years of suppressed fury pounding around inside of me. You haven't seen _anything_ yet."

"Hmph, I imagine so," Robin laughed into her hand before pausing and humming thoughtfully. "Ah yes, and before I forget, Mister Doctor? I should warn you that you should hasten to rouse Dr. Kobato and make her an ally before the patients arrive."

" _Ugh, alright, I was expecting this. How long have I got?"_

"Five minutes at most," Robin replied cheerfully.

There was a pause. And following that was a solid thirty seconds of invective that left even _Soundbite_ silent.

"… I believe you've been spending too much time with Soundbite," Robin said at last.

" _AND YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME WITH CROSS, YOU JERK!"_ Chopper snapped. " _AND ONE WORD OUT OF YOU, SANJI, AND I SWEAR THAT I WILL GIVE YOU A VASECTOMY IN YOUR_ SLEEP!"

"… _I am now officially unsure who's scarier: Nami or Chopper,"_ Usopp muttered in the ensuing silence.

"Careful, Long-nose, I work hard to maintain my reputation," Nami muttered beneath her breath. "You do _not_ want me pulling double-duty."

" _RIGHT! MOVING ON!"_ Cross barked. " _You two sound like you've got it handled, good luck to the both of you. Usopp, what are you up to right now?"_

" _Eh, not much, thankfully."_

 **-o-**

"Or at least, not right now. It hasn't been _boring_ ," Usopp said, looking over the small collection of trussed-up grunts near him. "One weakness to point out to Jonathan: the patrols aren't very big. If it's only two or three people, it leaves them open to be sniped down before they even notice. I've taken care of a few grunts who aren't going to make that mistake again; their weapons are in the bay, and I've already got one of their uniforms. So, if they've finished moving the Merry, now would be the time to lead me to it."

" _Nice work. Soundbite, do you have a location?"_

" **Having a bit** OF A TIME _MAPPING OUT THE CORRIDORS,_ _ **but I think so."**_

" _Good, lead him to her. Oh, and Usopp, when you get there, take note of an old shipwright named Mekao. I mentioned him earlier; odds are that if you tell him about the Klabautermann, we'll have another ally."_

"Got it," Usopp said, securing his Marine cap before heading off.

" _Next up… Boss, you and your students doing alright?"_

" _That depends on how you define 'alright,' Cross,"_ Boss said in a voice of forced calm.

 **-o-**

"Personally, I wouldn't define it as 'being chased through the water by a _net of sea prism stone that's TRAWLING THE BAY!'_ " the dugong roared as he and his students floated on the surface of the bay hidden behind the corner of the base's central spire, staring in terror as a massive net that spanned from the spire to the outer ring with no gaps between it and the rockface was slowly dragged through the waters of the bay by being passed from opening to opening high above them.

" _Wha—a ne—!? Ohhhh… riiight."_

"You had better not be about to tell us that you saw this coming, Cross!" Leo said furiously.

" _No, of course not! Forgetting about potentially life-threatening things is Vivi's job."_

" _I heard that,"_ the princess said waspishly.

" _You can pwotest when it's not twue, but fo' now, you can't weawwy deny it,"_ Carue snickered.

" _Tsk…"_ Vivi grumbled darkly.

" _Anyway,"_ Cross spoke up. " _What I just remembered is the fact that Jonathan's a freaking_ genius. _It'd be more shocking if he_ didn't _have some kind of contingency plan in place for fishmen. Looks like this is it."_

"Yeah, well, this contingency's about to scoop me and my boys up!" Boss snarled. "Any bright ideas, _Jerry-boy!?"_

"… _If you ever call me that again, Boss, I'll tell the_ world _how Kung Fu Dugongs happened. And trust me, your poker faces_ suck," Cross said frigidly.

All five dugongs were caught between the urge to blush in both rage and embarrassment and pale. "…Duly noted," Boss finally conceded.

" _Now get us out of here!"_ Mikey flailed his limbs in a panic.

" _Alright, look, it's easy alright? Just employ the Invulnerable Door fallacy."_

"Uh…?" Four of the five Dugongs tilted their heads in confusion.

Donny, meanwhile, slapped his fin to his forehead with a groan. "I'm an idiot."

"Eh?" His compatriots looked at him in askance.

The purple-bandanna wearer gave them a flat look. "Even if a door is utterly impenetrable," he rapped his flipper against the rock face they were hiding against. "There's a good chance that the wall around it is less so."

"Ohhh," chorused Raphey, Leo, and Mikey. Boss, for his part, simply nodded.

"Alright, boys, you heard them." He snapped a flipper out so that it was pointing downwards. "Let's all get digging!"

The students glanced at each other in concern before giving their teacher an uncomfortable look. "Uh…" Raphey slowly raised her flipper. "Can't Leo just carve out a hole big enough for us all?"

"No way!" Boss crossed his flippers in denial. "Leo earned his skills, now it's your turn." He grit his teeth confidently. "Dig or get caught, brats!" He made to dive before pausing and snapping a glare up at Leo. "Oh, and your hole better be several meters deep, or else I'll toss you to the goons myself." _Then_ he dived.

The students remained floating for a bit longer before exchanging flat looks.

"Remind me why we followed him into the pirate life again?" Raphey groused.

"Because somehow the rest of our species is even crazier than _he_ is," Leo sighed wearily.

"Come on, guys, you all know that he loves u— _WAGH!"_ Mikey's words were cut off when he was suddenly yanked underwater.

" _GET YOUR TAILS DOWN HERE RIGHT GODDAMN NOW!"_

" _YESSIR!"_ The apprentices hastily complied.

"… _Well, that shit just happened. Alright, moving on for the sake of sanity. Zoro, I dread to ask, but any idea where you are now?"_

" _Yeah, it's actually really weird."_

 **-o-**

"Did you know that they've got another ship here that looks just like the Merry?" Zoro asked, observing the very distinct ship from behind a giant gear.

"… _I MUST_ **have heard you WRONG,** _ **Cross. I**_ thought you said ' _ **for the sake of sanity,'"**_ Soundbite said weakly.

" _Yes, shame on me. I'd ask how this is possible, especially considering how the place is set up as a damn ambush… buuuuut I'm pretty sure that answer ends with my brains oozing out of my ears. For now, just stay where you are."_

"Eh, sure thing," Zoro turned around and started walking away, gravel crunching under his boots.

" _WHY THE EVER-LOVING_ **FUCK ARE YOU** _**MOVING!?"**_

"Calm down, snail, I'm just going to find a drink, I'll be right back."

"… _I honestly don't know_ what _I expected. Moving on, Vivi, how are things on your end?"_

 **-o-**

Sanji snapped his head up, foregoing his progress towards the kitchen and concentrating intently on the answer.

" _Yes, we're now receiving the royal treatment from a full_ squadron _of Marines. Honestly, I'm tempted to find a balcony and work on my tan."_

" _Please don't."_

"I BEG TO—!"

" _Volume control, idiot!"_ Su cut in.

Sanji coughed uncomfortably into his fist as he noticed the confused glances the other Marines were sending him, then continued on at a much lower volume. "I humbly beg to differ, darling princess."

"… _Soundbite, unless Sanji gets on track very soon, do us all the favor of_ muting _him,"_ Nami said in irritation.

" _Heck, do us all a favor and do it anyways."_

"Watch it, mosshead!…but fine," Sanji ultimately sighed, glancing around cautiously as he continued walking. "Our status… on our way to the kitchen. I think we're heading in the right direction, if foot traffic and Luffy's nose are anything to go by."

" _Huh. Fast moving. Alright, if I remember right, everyone there should welcome you with open arms as soon as you show off your skills, but if they've caught anything from your cooking lessons on the SBS, they may be suspicious at first. The Marley brothers are complete jokes, they can't even peel potatoes, but their reputation should provide the cushion you need to blend in. Just watch your step, especially_ _when Jonathan shows up for lunch. So long as Luffy_ doesn't _deliver it, or eat everything you guys make for that matter, you'll be able to blend in for a while longer."_

"Got it," Sanji nodded. "And if reputations aren't all they're cracked up to be, I could use that to explain away Luffy's behavior."

" _Nice one._ _Alright, that just leaves… Lassoo, everything alright on the Merry?"_

" _Well, a squad of Marines are onboard, and a few have been poking around here,_ " the dog-gun muttered quietly. " _A couple of grunts came in here earlier and took a few Dials… and I'm pretty sure that that black one Conis had was one of them."_

" _WHAT?! Soundbite, connect me to Jonathan, NOW!"_

 **-o-**

"You just don't understand, do you?" Isaiah sighed in his usual baritone. "Manliness is not something you _show_. It's something you _are_. Displays such as yours are not only pointless, they imply a deep insecurity that is not manly in the slightest."

"AND YOU'RE TOO DAMN COLD!" Terry shot back. "A REAL MAN NEEDS TO KNOW WHEN TO HAVE FIRE IN HIS VEINS AS WELL AS ICE! YOU'RE JUST ALL ICE, ALL THE TIME!"

Jonathan groaned, cradling his head in his hands. The two South Birds had promised to be an annoyance from the first time he heard them, but he'd had no idea they could be _this_ bad. They'd been going back and forth pretty much since midnight, and only strong coffee and plenty of experience with all-nighters was keeping him alert. Of course, if he didn't get some sort of break soon, he'd probably go mad.

" _Vice Admiral Jonathan!"_

The Marine in question looked up from his chessboard as Cross' voice sounded around him. That worked. "Mister Cross?"

" _Something I should warn you about, and that you should warn your soldiers about, too:_ stay out of our arsenal. _In particular, there are a few Dials we have that could_ VAPORIZE _your men if they touch them wrong. For the sake of getting them all back, I won't tell you which ones. But I'm just giving you a fair warning; we have no problem fighting our way out of here, but we_ are _trying not to kill anyone."_

"Mmhmm, I see…" Jonathan nodded slowly in agreement, the South Birds mercifully silent, before pushing one of the black knights on the board. "Just one moment, please. Drake, could you come in here?"

His second-in-command promptly entered the office with a salute. "Sir?"

"Have the men search the Strawhat's ship's arsenal, it seems that the weapon with the Zoan fruit is hiding in there after all."

"… _shit,"_ Cross's disembodied voice flatly summarized.

"OH, NOOOOOOOO!" Terry threw in.

" _DAMN IT, CROSS!"_ a furious voice yowled before howling out " _CANI-SCREEN!"_

Jonathan sighed as the sounds of hacking coughs from various Marines filled the line. "Now you're just gloating."

" _I give you a piece of advice to try to keep your men safe from an actual hazard, and you respond like this? Not only ignoring me, but doing what I just told you not to do? Oh, no,_ this _doesn't qualify as gloating. I'll show you gloating_ later."

And then the office fell silent, the two South Birds both smugly grinning.

"Well, that's not ominous at all," Drake cheerfully stated.

" _Lieutenant Commander."_

"Right, catch the dog!" Drake blurted as he wheeled around and all but ran out of the room.

Jonathan stared at the door for a second before directing a glare at the chessboard before him. "They are making it _very_ hard to apply this game in real life…" he grumbled.

 **-o-**

" _Alright, I need to think about what we've got so far. Soundbite is still listening, so just say his name if you need to talk. I'll let you guys know once I've got some kind of plan."_

"Take your time, Cross," Chopper ground out as the transmission faded, looking back at the pediatrician, who seemed terrified. "Alright… Dr. Kobato, there's soon going to be a large number of Marines arriving here from the battleships that have docked on base. Many of them are going to need treatment, and fast. I'm going to help you, but as this base's doctor, you need to be able to do the surgeries necessary to save their lives."

Kobato's eyes widened even more. "B-B-But I… I specialize in children's medicine, I'm no good at surgeries! I'm barely able to deliver a shot! I'm sorry, but I don't think I can help, I just can't stand the thought of hurting people."

Chopper folded his arms with a weary sigh. "Kobato, let me tell you a story from the man who was my teacher and father…"

Three minutes later, the nurses and the patients arrived, and a determined Kobato stood alongside Chopper as they began the necessary treatments. She barely acknowledged the fact that he was a pirate as they worked.

And considering the amount of work they had to do, neither of them noticed that in the middle of it all, a specific patient and her pet had managed to wander out of the infirmary.

 **-o-**

"…In other words, you would presume to tell me what real cooking is, right?" Sanji asked the obviously skilled and passionate head chef.

"No, I'm not trying to say anything quite as dramatic as that," Jessica replied coolly. "I just want you and your brother to show that pride you talk so much about. I'll give anyone a chance to prove themselves, no matter how pretentious they might be. However, there will be trouble if I think you lack anything in skill or attitude." The rest of the cooks looked on sourly while Jessica finished her speech. "Let me make this clear: unless you satisfy me, you will never be able to call yourselves cooks in Navarone."

"I see. That sounds like a challenge. But let me ask you this," Sanji continued, blowing out some smoke. "You clearly know the importance of food. But speaking from experience, the head chef's skill isn't the best way to determine how good his or her employees are. So, what do you say to going one-on-one?"

The chefs' indignation at the apparent insult promptly melted in favor of smugness. "Challenging Jessica? He's toast." " _Burnt_ toast." "Thousand Beri says he starts crying in ten minutes." "Two thousand on twenty." The murmurs continued in the same vein until Jessica raised a hand and extinguished them like a candle, though her expression was no less smug.

"It _has_ been a long time since I've had the opportunity to demonstrate why I'm the head chef here," she mused. "So be it. You and I will prepare the same dish. My husband, Commander Jonathan, will determine the winner through a blind taste test."

Sanji's smile froze, and he twitched ever so slightly as he fought to maintain his composure. "A-An excellent idea, milady. So…" Sanji glanced around warily. "Where is he, exactly?"

Jessica's smugness faltered. "…Well, this is a bit awkward. Lunch is meant to be delivered to him in half an hour or so."

"Well, then, in the meantime, how about I show some of my other recipes? After all, I heard from more than one Marine on my way down here that it's just about mealtime. Oh, and—" He grabbed Luffy's head and slammed his face into a convenient griddle before he could successfully reach the plate he'd been leaning towards, pointedly ignoring the sizzling sounds that came up. "—I should warn you, this guy has only ever been a taste-tester, and a gluttonous one, at that. How people got the idea that we were both good cooks, I have no idea."

Jessica cocked an eyebrow as she watched Luffy struggle beneath his own cook's grip. "He's resilient, too."

"I have to take drastic measures to keep his mouth under control," Sanji explained as he jerked Luffy's charred face up.

"JERK! Now everything's gonna taste all smoky!" Luffy pouted with his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

"…Whatever the heck I was expecting, it sure wasn't this," said one of the many, many sweatdropping chefs.

"You mean the fact that only one's actually good at cooking or the fact that that the boss hasn't broken that one like a stalk of celery yet?"

"Yes."

"BACK TO WORK BEFORE I START USING DISCIPLINARY PRACTICES FROM HQ!" Jessica roared, which kicked her staff into high gear. Satisfied, she made to grab a bottle before pausing as she took notice of the weight. "Tsk. Jacob, if you've got the time, could you go and grab some cooking sherry from the fridge? I'm starting to run low."

"Gladly, madam," Sanji responded, making a beeline for the refrigerator. With nobody nearby, he opened the door. And then every muscle in his body locked up in shock.

Zoro stared back, nonchalantly continuing to drain a bottle of sake as he sat in the stupidly smooth hole in the back of the walk-in freezer.

 _ **"HOW THE HELL!?**_ I stopped paying attention for _TEN SECONDS!"_ shrieked Soundbite from nowhere.

Zoro finished off the bottle he was holding with a sigh before cocking an eyebrow. "So? What of it?"

 **"YOU CROSSED HALF THE BASE!** _ **YOU WEREN'T EVEN IN THE SPIRE!**_ **"**

"…" Zoro was silent as he glanced out the hole he'd carved before shrugging and tearing the cork out of a new bottle with his teeth. "I don't follow you."

"… **screw it.** _ **That way lies madness."**_

" _You say that as if we didn't all crack long ago,"_ Lassoo wheezed from somewhere.

" _That explains so much…"_ Su muttered.

Sanji, meanwhile, plastered a deliberately neutral expression on his face as he grabbed three bottles of sherry, left the fridge, and returned to Jessica. "I think you may have a rat problem," he deadpanned as he set two bottles down and poured himself a glass of another. Grimacing at that, Jessica walked off towards the fridge. Forty seconds later, she was back with an identical expression, accepting the bottle Sanji was offering to her without hesitation.

"I think you may be right," she said flatly before knocking the bottle back.

Once they had both recovered from the respectively disturbing assaults on their sanity, Sanji submitted a few specific recipes to Jessica, who passed them on to her chefs. Upon seeing how phenomenal the resulting meal was, Jessica saw the opportunity to test him.

"Well, your skills seem to be all that you've advertised them as…" She gave the newcomer a sharp glance. "Sanji."

Sanji didn't so much as flinch. "Hmm? Who?" He slowly pointed at himself. "Are you referring to me, by any chance?"

Jessica stared at him for a few seconds before waving dismissively. "Sorry, sorry, my mistake." She glanced up at the kitchen's clock before grinning eagerly. "Ah, now that's better. We have ten minutes until it's time for Jonathan's meal. Is that enough time for you, Jacob?"

"Easily. So, what will be the dish we prepare?"

"Lamb chop in gravy, with steamed carrots and broccoli, as well as mixed peas and heirloom beans. I call it the Shepherd's Repast."

"So, your husband is a vegetable lover?" Sanji posed, moving to the pantry along with Jessica while producing a headband and tying it around his head in such a way that his eyebrow was hidden; after all, he knew that that nickname of Zoro's had made it onto the SBS more than once.

"Well, they're good for him," Jessica said with a smile. "And what's with that headband?"

"Oh, just a mark of seriousness for competition," Sanji replied, suppressing the bitterness of the fact that he was imitating Zoro. He hoped the mosshead never found out.

Jessica shrugged, and so it went from there. Both gathered the same basic ingredients, but chose different accents for the plate. Side-by-side they stood at identical cooking stations, fires flaring as the pair of them both demonstrated their skills. Both moved with well-practiced grace that left the other chefs staring in awe. Steam here, smoke there, and no shortage of delicious smells. They even plated identically, but in the end, it seemed that a few different spice jars and a bit of cheese, juice, and honey made all the difference; while Jessica's steamed beautifully, Sanji's dish practically shone. The difference was plain, and Jessica's eye was twitching as she took in both that and the awestruck looks of the cooks, their murmuring now reversed from earlier.

"It's actually better-looking than Jessica's." "The smell is better, too." "It's the difference between an expert and a master."

"SILENCE!" Jessica yelled, locking eyes with Sanji. "Take your dish and follow me," she said shortly, covering the tray and quickly walking out of the kitchen.

Sanji hesitated for the briefest of moments before shooting Luffy a hasty grin. "Why don't you stay here and…" The cook had to fight to keep from spitting up blood as he spoke the next lines. " _Taste all the dishes,_ brother."

The width of Luffy's grin was matched by every other face in the kitchen going white. "Sure thing! Sounds like fun!" And before they could stop him, the rubber-man blurred towards the array of already finished dishes.

Sanji silently offered a few apologies to food in general before rushing to catch up with the base's head chef. The two walked in silence for a minute or two before finally reaching the doors of their destination.

He entered alongside Jessica, and took in the sight of Jonathan: white outfit, short red hair and beard, and large eyebrows and moustache that were so dark red that they were almost black. He had a relaxed look about him.

"BEAR GLOVE!"

"Is that the only thing you can say?"

He also had the two South Birds on his shoulders, and looking a little more closely, that relaxed air was notably brittle.

"Ah, Jessica, what's this? Two meals?"

"Mister Marley here challenged me, matching his cooking skills against mine. You will be determining the winner as you taste the dish," Jessica replied, fully calm; after all, as long as her husband liked her food better, she couldn't be upset. She and Sanji placed the covered dishes onto the desk, and removed the covers.

"The Shepherd's Repast for your enjoyment, Commander Jonathan," Sanji said smoothly.

The Vice Admiral's eyebrows rose as he took in the dishes before him. One looked as unappetizing as ever, but the other… despite the fact that the ingredients were the same, it actually looked appetizing. Then he realized the issue in his current situation. It was glaringly obvious who made which dish, meaning he was either going to choose the one that was obviously better, or the one that was obviously his wife's. At least the damnable South Birds were silent.

In an effort to fend off that choice, he gathered a generous spoonful of Jessica's dish, including the broccoli. As he put it into his mouth, it took every bit of control he had to suppress his gag reflex. He loved his wife and he adored her cooking, he really did, but it just seemed like whatever vegetables she touched gained an almost supernatural hatred for his palate. Nevertheless, he managed to swallow painfully and continue on to the rest of the thankfully edible meal.

He directed an only semi-forced grin at his wife. "Delicious as always, dear."

Jessica shot her nose up at Sanji with a contented sniff, which elicited a somewhat conflicted sigh from the disguised pirate. Processing that, Jonathan turned to the more visually appetizing meal. Hiding a grimace, he spooned up another generous helping of vegetables and put it into his mouth. His eyes widened; it was undoubtedly broccoli and carrots that he was eating. But the steaming on them was different, and the spices and bits of cheese on it made it more much more palatable. In fact, it was delicious. He forced down the urge to get another spoonful, turning his utensil towards the meat instead. The vegetables were obviously better, but surely Jessica couldn't be outdone on her lamb chop?

Surely she could, he reflected, as the meat melted in his mouth like filet mignon. Jessica's had been wonderful, but this… this was _perfect_. Jonathan swallowed, now legitimately nervous.

The two cooks analyzed the Vice Admiral intently, eagerly gauging his facial expressions.

"Well?" Jessica asked with absolute confidence. "Who's better?"

It took every bit of willpower Jonathan had to freeze his facial muscles, so that he had the time he needed to ponder what answer he would give. On the one hand, he could just take the easy road and say that Jessica was the better cook. An obvious solution that would save him a lot of trouble in the future… but on the other hand, it would also be a lie. To lie like that would be a dire insult to the _possible_ Marley brother standing before him, and the fact that he had just tasted broccoli that he _wanted_ to eat again was a strong point in favor of him telling the truth, so he wouldn't suffer again.

' _I have to choose between good food and Jessica not being mad. Whether this man is a pirate or not, it would be wonderful to have this dish… but then again, I have to_ live _with Jessica. It seems that I'll simply have to—'_

Without even a hint of warning whatsoever, the doors to the office were busted down, allowing one salivating Monkey D. Luffy to enter the room. "Hey Sanji, they ran out of dishes to taste in the kitchen! Can I have the great stuff I'm smelling in here?"

After a moment's pause, Jonathan responded by slowly pushing both plates forward. "All yours, Captain Luffy."

"Thanks!" Luffy nodded his thanks before rushing forwards and starting to pig out on the dishes.

For a few seconds, the only noise that could be heard was the sound of Luffy chowing down at speeds that put buzzsaws to shame, until finally a disembodied sigh wafted through the air. " _I tried. I really, really,_ really _tried."_

"Don't even worry about it, Cross…" Sanji sighed out a cloud of smoke as he weathered the infernal glare Jessica was trying to melt his brains with. "This isn't even _remotely_ your fault."

"Huh? What's wrong, guys?" Luffy asked, still chowing down on the contents of the two plates.

"Allow me to introduce myself: I am Vice Admiral Jonathan, base commander of Navarone," Jonathan said with a small smile.

"Oh, cool," Luffy said.

"… _Three, two, one…"_

Luffy's eyes suddenly widened to comical levels, and his mouth dropped open. "You're the guy in charge? The guy that Cross is so scared of?"

" _Luffy? Consider the last person you met who had the rank of 'Vice Admiral' and tell me that I_ shouldn't _be scared,"_ Cross said dryly.

"Oh?" Jonathan blinked in surprise. "He's met a Vice Admiral before? Who?"

" _Think_ very _hard about his family name."_

Jonathan needed only to think for a moment before opening his mouth in an 'ah' of understanding.

The pirate and Marine stared at each other in silence for a few seconds…

Until Jonathan grinned and broke the silence with a "Boo."

Luffy's reaction was actually… underwhelming, as he merely chuckled and continued eating. "I screwed up, huh? Sorry, guys!"

Several loud thuds that, judging from Jessica and Sanji's reactions, signified face-faults echoed across the connection.

" _YOU THINK THAT FIXES ANYTHING!?"_ a chorus of enraged voices roared.

"How is this utter moron the captain?" Jessica wondered.

"I can't honestly say I'm surprised considering what Cross said," Jonathan chuckled before slowly starting to stand up. "Now then, if you'd kindly finish eating…"

" _Uh, uh, uh…"_ Cross stammered uncontrollably as he fumbled for something, _anything_ to say before finally coming to a panicked conclusion. " _Uh, HEY! B-before we move to the inevitable fight, d-don't you still have a decision to make, Jonathan?"_

"Oh, I'm sure that can wait until these two are in the brig," the Vice Admiral said smoothly.

"Actually, dear, I do think putting them away can wait long enough for you to say which dish you liked better," Jessica replied coolly.

Silence for a few moments, and then Cross chuckled.

 _"A lover's spat, hmm?"_ Something in the pirate's words made Jonathan's blood run cold. A feeling that only intensified at what he said next. " _Say, Jessica, quick question, what's the meal that you made for this contest?"_

"The Shepherd's Repast, or put simply, lamb chop and mixed vegetables. Why?" Jessica questioned without ever taking her eyes off of the pirates.

" _Well, then, everyone, I'd say that that's positive proof that Sanji is the better chef. After all, I saw that same dish in Jonathan's garbage bin last night."_

It was as though the room had been hit by a blizzard with how still and cold the atmosphere became. Then the two most skilled chefs on base slowly turned, glaring daggers at a paling Jonathan.

"You threw away the meal I made for you?" Jessica asked quietly.

"You dare to not only waste food, but food that this wonderful lady made for you, pouring her heart and soul into it?" Sanji growled, his fists steaming.

Jonathan began to sweat, his hands held in front of him. "N-Now, now, let's not be hasty—"

"Sanji, we'll have to continue this later. Right now, I need to kill my husband," Jessica said, giving the pirate chef a beatific smile.

"Oh, believe me, I understand, Lady Jessica," Sanji replied smoothly. "But may I suggest making him empty his bin and finish your lovely meal first? After all, we both know that you can't waste food."

"No, you certainly can't. _Excellent_ suggestion."

"…Well played, Cross…" Jonathan mumbled.

 _"Jonathan, remember what I said earlier? Well, this_ _is gloating. No, actually,_ this _is gloating. Hey, Jessica, did you also know that he has a tendency to give the meals you spend so much time preparing to anyone who comes by to get out of eating them, and then order them to tell you that it was delicious?"_

Jonathan was now white as a ghost, which was all the confirmation the listeners needed. Jessica's resulting tone was as calm as a hurricane's eye. "Thank you for telling me that, Cross. Anything else to say?"

"Why, hello, miss," Isaiah smoothly interrupted as he landed in front of her, his wings spread wide. "Look to your man. Back at me. Now back to your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me, but with a good workover with, say," Isaiah held one of his talons out, which was carrying a _hefty_ looking frying pan, "a Nine Cast Iron, he could be honest like me."

Jessica blinked in surprise before smiling beatifically and accepting the cooking utensil. "Another excellent suggestion, thank you." She then directed her gaze at Jonathan, and her smiling face morphed into something straight out of a nightmare.

" _Yes, Isaiah, thank you, that's perfect._ _Take note, Jonathan, of weak spot number one:_ lying to your wife. _I trust you'll never make that mistake again. Now, Luffy, Sanji? As our crew's tactician, I'd say that now is the appropriate time for what we in the business call a 'strategic withdrawal'. Or, to put it simply… BOOK IT!"_

"Kick him a few times for me, Lady Jessica," Sanji requested before, dragging Luffy behind him, he hightailed it out of the room. A crowd of angry-looking chefs met him outside.

"Jessica just found out that Jonathan threw away a meal she made for him!" Sanji shouted in a convincingly panicked tone. Every Marine in earshot paled in utter terror for all of three seconds. After that, the kitchen, dining room, and hallway went from crowded to 100% _abandoned._

"Shishishi! Man, these guys are fast!" Luffy chuckled.

Sanji, for his part, was snapping his head left and right frantically. "Which way, Cross?"

" _This way!"_

"Right!" Luffy promptly started running down a corridor.

" _HOW STUPID ARE YOU!?"_

"Whoops, sorry!" the captain said as he pulled a 180.

Sanji groaned miserably as he ran to keep up with his captain. "Why, oh, _why_ does someone with that thick of a skull have to be _that_ charismatic!?"

" _Would we really follow him if he_ wasn't _Luffy?"_

The resultant silence and the smiles implied therein were answer enough. The moment didn't last long, however.

" _Uh, Cross? Are you there?"_

" _Wha—Conis? Are you—what's going on? Are you still in the infirmary?"_

 **-o-**

"No, I'm not," she grunted in response, cursing under her breath as her uncooperative legs banged into another bucket. "I'm currently in a broom closet… somewhere."

" **Third corridor, fifth subsection, Gamma Quadrant."**

Conis and Su exchanged looks of surprise. "Damn, slimeball," the cloud fox whistled.

" _ **I have been listening to more**_ **CHATTER THAN I CARE** TO REMEMBER. _I THINK I_ KNOW THIS PLACE _**BETTER THAN**_ most of the soldiers who live here!"

" _Which is going to come in handy for getting out of here. But that aside, why_ _did you wander off and what are you doing?"_

"Staying on a cot in the medical wing seemed like a good way to get caught. I'm currently trying to change into a Marine uniform… and trying to get used to what the land is like down here."

"She's acting like even more of a klutz now than Pagaya," Su chuckled.

"Su—AGH!"

 _CRASH!_

Conis waited for cleaning products to stop falling around her before lifting the edge of the bucket that was on her head with a sigh. "…Alright, I'll admit that I can't argue with that."

" _What do you mean you're trying to get used to the land?"_ Usopp asked curiously.

The Skypiean rapped her knuckles on the ground with a huff. "It appears that the Blue Sea's islands are a lot more stationary than those of the White-White Sea."

" _Wha—? What do you mean, the islands up there stay still too, don't they?"_ Nami asked.

"Of course they don't," Conis waved a hand casually as she started pulling herself to her feet using the nearby shelves. "They don't _drift_ , no, but they're still floating on the Cumuloregalis. I didn't have any problems on the Merry because all Skypieans get used to dealing with the minute swaying as they grow up; at this point, my sea legs are making my sense of balance _over-_ compensate for an imbalance that's no longer present."

" _Ugh… well, at least you're not drunk on oxygen anymore. So, what are you planning right now?"_

Conis slowly staggered her way over to a nearby coat hanger and took a Marine cap off of it, replacing her beret with the headwear and situating it in such a manner that her hair-antennae were hidden. "For now, I'm going to try my luck blending in as a janitor. Maybe walking on slick surfaces will help me keep my balance better."

" _Plus I imagine a mop can double as an excusable crutch, huh?"_ Cross questioned.

"That too," Conis nodded in acknowledgement as she slid on the rest of the janitor's uniform. "And I have to say, I like the way this uniform feels, very different from the outfits on Angel Island. Now, where—ah, that'll work. Su, you'll need to hide in here." The cloud fox looked at the duffle bag Conis was holding, and then _looked_ at her erstwhile master, a look that Conis returned.

"Su, they know that I have a Cloud Fox with me and they know we're in the base, so," she started raising her hand towards a metal can on a shelf. "Unless you'd prefer to adopt a more locally _traditional_ look—"

One blur of white later and the bag was zipped shut. "Knock my head against anything and there'll be hell to pay," came Su's muffled voice.

"I'll be as careful as I can be, Su," Conis assured her, picking up a bucket and mop before walking out the door. Two steps later, she was groaning facedown into the floor.

"Somehow, that doesn't reassure me," Su moaned.

 **-o-**

The atmosphere in the Vice Admiral's office was… uncomfortable. Jonathan was eating a platter of vegetables, mostly broccoli, which had been liberated from his bin and cleaned, while nursing some large lumps on his skull. Meanwhile, his wife stood behind him with a very calm look on her face, and a large skillet in her hands. A bemused Drake, Henrick, and Cormac looked on as Jonathan finished his meal down to the last morsel on the plate before looking up at Jessica. And, of course, the two South Birds were back to being smug.

"I'm sorry, Jessica. The truth is that I really do love your cooking, but I've never been able to stomach the broccoli," Jonathan said apologetically. Jessica's lips tightened, as did her grip on the skillet, before she sighed.

"…Upsetting though that is, the fact that you never said anything is even _worse_ ," she said, emphasizing the last bit. "I was aware that you were less than partial to the broccoli and vegetables in general, but had you made it known that you disliked them to the extent that you would prefer throwing them away, I would have been willing to put in the necessary effort to change that. Did you think I couldn't take criticism on my food from someone who knows what they're talking about?"

Jonathan sighed. "Well, you do tend to be rather… sensitive about your cooking."

Jessica scoffed. "I'm not denying that I would have been upset, but preparing food to satisfy the clientele _is_ my job. Just be more honest in the future, and I'll do whatever I have to so that your meals are both healthy _and_ palatable."

Jonathan nodded appreciatively. "I won't let it happen again, Jessica. Complete honesty from now on."

"I do so love when a couple makes up like this," Terry said at a normal volume.

"As do I," Isaiah agreed.

"Good. Then you can start now: which dish did you like better?"

Jonathan stiffened briefly, but shook his head. "Sanji's. I had to resist the urge to take another bite of the broccoli, and that lamb chop was so tender and delicious…"

"Hmph," Jessica glowered before storming to the door. "Well, it seems I need to improve on my skills, then. I'll start by attempting to duplicate his dish. Meanwhile, I'll leave you to your meeting."

She opened the door and walked out of the office before looking back.

"Oh, and Jonathan? I think your posture has improved today."

As Jessica closed the door, the three officers in the room couldn't suppress snickers, while the two South Birds both posed even more smugly. That lasted all of ten seconds before Jonathan leveled a glare at them.

"If you're quite finished… _what is the progress on apprehending the Straw Hat Pirates?_ "

"N-none yet, sir," Henrick replied.

Jonathan tapped his fingers together. "Gentlemen, I like to think that I am usually a thoroughly reasonable man. Slow to anger, quick with a joke. However…" The Vice Admiral tapped a finger against a rather impressive goose-egg that was growing on his temple. "After being set upon by my own _wife,_ I find that a large percentage of my patience has been _exhausted_." The glare intensified, causing all three of his subordinates to flinch. "Locate and apprehend them before I lose the rest of it."

"SIR, YES, SIR!" the Marines snapped into a salute.

"Dismissed."

The Vice Admiral was silent as he watched his men file out of his office before heaving a weary sigh. "You are proving to be a most… _unique_ adversary, Mister Cross." He picked up a bishop from the chessboard on his desk and looked it over. "Are you sure I couldn't tempt you to play a game or two?"

" _Sorry,"_ Cross's clearly grinning voice apologized. " _But I only know the absolute basics and I've never won a game. You'd stomp me in ten moves or less."_

"Hmph." Jonathan set the piece down on a new square. "What a shame…" He stared at the board impassively for a few seconds before leaning forward and tenting his fingers on his desk. "So, tell me. What are your thoughts on Navarone?"

" _Well, weak spot number two is one we've found out rather personally: those patrols you send out? The fact that some of the weakest members of our crew have managed to disable more than we can count is proof that they're more ambush bait than anything. Either you up the quality or up the quantity, but right now they're not that effective, even if their routes are."_

"Hmm, a fair point," Jonathan conceded with a sigh. "So, what is their current status?"

" _Thoroughly humiliated but fine,"_ Cross replied. " _Like I said, we're not trying to kill anyone. Besides that, the only immediate issue that comes to mind is already resolved. I'm honestly surprised that you didn't have more faith in your wife."_

"Clearly, Cross, you've never had to deal with an angry significant other. But you're correct, that was…" Jonathan winced as a throb of pain echoed through his skull. "A mistake on my part."

" _Heh. So, yeah, not finding all that many weaknesses so far… but then again, this is the quiet stage of the game."_

"Well, we'll have to see if the game progresses beyond that. Out of curiosity, however, what happened to the real Marley brothers?"

" _ **Suffice to say that they're… indisposed, not far from the docks,**_ " said the mystery crewmate.

" _But feel free to let them free and lead them to the kitchen. After all, Jessica could use the excuse to blow off some steam on a pair of men so incompetent in the kitchen that peeling potatoes results in a bucket of scraps."_

 _That_ made Jonathan grin. "Thank you for that advice, Cross."

" _My pleasure. Now, for the next stage, a key part of showing how strong the base is will come from showing how strong the brig is. After all, succeeding in pulling off a jailbreak would be… uh, Boss, you wanna finish that?"_

" _Gladly, Cross,"_ a voice that Jonathan could only assume to be one of the dugong's piped in. " _Ahem… to exfiltrate one's allies from unjust imprisonment in a nigh inescapable detention facility… is that not a truly bold Man's Romance!?"_

" _GO, BOSS, GO!"_ a quartet of eager voices concurred.

" _Oh, and before I forget, Vice Admiral,"_ Boss continued in a more even tone. " _If you want that net trick to work, see about shoring up the bottom of the bay itself. It's_ way _too easy to dig through."_

"' _Easy', he says, psh…"_

The Vice Admiral couldn't help but chuckle at the enthusiasm. "My, my, it sounds like you have quite the characters on your crew."

" _Vice Admiral, allow me to be completely and utterly frank with you,"_ Cross said with the utmost seriousness. " _Compared to a lot of other crews out there in the world? I guarantee you that we are tame and_ sane."

"Before I attempt to contradict that statement, you do realize that in order to to break someone out of the brig, someone has to be _in_ the brig first, right?"

Jonathan allowed himself a contented grin at the beautiful silence that followed.

"… _Hold that thought, Jonathan."_

 **-o-**

"OK, so I've got two preferred choices here," I said, tapping my fingers together sheepishly. "I think our best options would be either Zoro or Usopp. What say you guys, either of you game?"

" _Denied,"_ chorused two flat voices.

"That's what I was afraid you'd say…" I hung my head with a weary sigh.

" _I regret to say that Miss Navigator and I are both undercover, so we're unavailable for that,"_ Robin said smugly.

" _Regret nothing, sucks to be you guys!"_ Nami cackled.

" _Witch."_

" _WATCH YOUR BLASPHEMOUS MOUTH, MARIMO!"_

"You can kick his ass later, Sanji!" I snapped. "Right now, we need to prioritize figuring out who gets captured, someway, _somehow, right goddamn now!"_

" _Oh, oh,_ _ **I'LL DO IT!"**_ Soundbite waved his eyestalks eagerly. " **Am-stram-gram-gr** — _ **WHAT THE HELL!?"**_

"Huh?" I looked at the snail when he suddenly barked in panic. "What's u—?"

I was promptly cut off by Vivi's voice.

" _Hello. Lieutenant Commander Drake, I presume?"_

 **-o-**

"Who—?" the Marine started to ask as he turned around before tensing as he identified the individual who'd tapped his shoulder.

Vivi smiled beatifically and waved. "Hello, I'm Princess Nefertari Vivi, a.k.a. 'Corsair Princess' Nefertari Vivi, negotiator of the Straw Hat Pirates, wanted for the price of ฿55 Million. I believe you've been looking for me?"

"Ah…" Drake hesitated as he tried to get his mind's gears to grind properly.

"Oh!" Vivi snapped her fingers in realization. "I _almost_ forgot!"

 _THWACK!_

" _GYERGH!"_

The princess retracted her knee from between the Lieutenant Commander's legs, allowing him to collapse in agony.

Vivi knelt down over him, smile still in place. " _That_ was for accusing one of my dearest friends for having anything to do with the bastards who tried to rip my nation apart." She then clapped her hands and stood up with a bright smile. "Now, then!" She held her wrists out to the shell-shocked soldiers who'd been accompanying the Commander, causing them to flinch back in terror. "If one of you fine gentlemen would be so kind as to take me into custody, I'd _very_ much appreciate it."

 **-o-**

I gaped at Soundbite in awe as I tried to process what the hell had just happened. "Well… that's one way to do it."

" _Pacifist my fluffy tail!"_ Su snorted.

" _I blame you animals for the corruption of my sweet princess!"_ Sanji moaned.

" _Said da' cook who can bweak ian with his feet…"_ Carue muttered.

" _Iron? Oh, no, that's not right. Sure, he can_ dent _iron, but breaking it? That honor belongs to the swordsmen,_ " said one of the dugongs, almost certainly Leo.

" _Ah, shadd—WA-AA-AA-AGH!"_ Carue's muttering suddenly swapped to an avian squawk of panic.

" _Do not resist arrest, duck,"_ Drake said sternly… before groaning. " _Arresting a giant duck…_ why _did it have to be the Straw Hats?"_

I couldn't help but laugh at that. And a few panicked squawks and reassurances from Vivi later, the two of them were being quietly escorted to the brig. "Alright, everyone, once Vivi's in place, we can organize the jailbreak pla—"

" **PRIORITY ONE!"** Soundbite suddenly squawked before adopting a calm visage and a calm smile.

" _Excuse me, I'm Marine Inspector Major Shepherd, and this is my escort. I believe that Jonathan is expecting me?"_ came Robin's voice.

" _Wha—A-ah, of course, ma'am,_ " Drake's voice said. " _I'll lead you to Jonathan's office. Men, escort these two to the brig."_

I winced slightly. "You two had better play your cards right, or you'll be joining Vivi."

" _That sounds reasonable, thank you,"_ Robin said.

 **-o-**

"Ah, Marine Inspector Major Shepherd, I've been expecting you. And who is this?" Jonathan asked calmly.

"Captain Bellemere, sir," Nami said tightly. "I'm here as the Inspector's escort."

"Oh?" Jonathan blinked in surprise as he looked Nami over. "I was unaware that the Inspector even had an escort."

"I prefer to keep my participation in these inspections as incognito as possible," Nami explained, keeping her voice cool and neutral all the while. "It gives shoddy bases less time to prepare so that we get the honest image from the get-go."

"Are you accusing G-8 of being incompetent?!" Drake demanded.

"She never said that," Robin replied with a raised hand. "Though I'm afraid that that doesn't change the facts of this investigation. The general sentiment at HQ is that, due to the lack of activity in the waters surrounding this base, the budget for the maintenance of Navarone is considered, quite frankly, to be something of a boondoggle."

Nami raised her eyebrows quizzically at the choice of words, but shrugged it off as Jonathan replied.

"I am aware of that, Inspector, but I think you'll find that a lack of action does not represent a lack of preparedness." He stood up and moved towards a corner of the room. "In fact, I've recently acquired enough liquid capital to ensure that Navarone will remain up and running for the next decade."

Nami and Robin followed his gaze, and the instant that the shimmering treasure caught her eye—

"THERE'S NO CHANCE IN HELL THAT YOU'RE DOING THAT WITH MY TREASURE!"

Silence greeted that shout for a second before Nami's mouth clicked shut in a pained grimace.

"I thought so. After all, you may have Bellemere's attitude, but I'd recognize that woman anywhere, and you're not her," Jonathan remarked, catching Nami off guard.

"You… you knew my mother?" Nami asked quietly.

Jonathan looked back at her in honest shock. "Your mother? Interesting. Yes, she was quite the strong Marine. Never took nonsense from anyone, always did things her own way, but she was nonetheless extremely formidable. We trained together, she was a good friend of mine, but then she led her squad on a dangerous mission in the East Blue against a criminal group. We were under the impression that there were no survivors," Jonathan finished solemnly.

Nami bowed her head. "Bellemere… she was close to death, but she found my older sister and I on the battlefield. She took us in and raised us as her daughters. We were poor, but we were a family…" Rage and sorrow mixed on her face. "Until Arlong came. She fought hard, she even had him dead to rights, but… in the end…" Nami hugged herself tightly. "She sacrificed herself to save us."

Jonathan bowed his head respectfully. "A hero to the very end. I'm sorry for your loss."

"I, for one, am disappointed." Drake crossed his arms with a scowl. "For someone with a retired Marine as a parent to wind up a pirate… you should be ashamed for so flagrantly dishonoring her memory."

It was a credit to the man's courage that he didn't even so much as flinch in response to the face-melting glare Nami pinned him with.

" _Lieutenant Commander Drake."_

But no amount of courage could prevent him from snapping to attention when Jonathan's harsh tone cracked the air like a whip.

Cold sweat ran down the officer's face as he _felt_ the Vice Admiral's glare bore into him. "The only person in this room who should be ashamed is _you,_ Drake. Apologize to the young lady."

"But, sir—!"

" _Now."_

Drake swallowed heavily before bending into a bow. "P-Please accept my apologies for my earlier rudeness, ma'am, I spoke without thinking."

Nami maintained her glare on Drake before letting out a harsh scoff. "Don't let it happen again." She then glanced back at Jonathan for a second before sighing. "Well, _this_ is the definition of ironic. I meet a Marine that actually knew my mother, and it's in a situation where I was _supposed_ to keep a low profile. This could have gone _so_ much better, in more ways than one."

" _The first step is admitting that you have a problem,"_ Cross stated innocently.

"I will let Chopper give me therapy when you agree to do the same for your addiction to adrenaline," Nami said, crossing her arms.

" _NEVER!"_

"Then it would seem that we are at an impasse."

Jonathan chuckled at the exchange before coughing and readopting his half-bored, half-serious expression. "I regret this as well, Nami. Under better circumstances, I wouldn't mind sharing a few stories about Bellemere over drinks. I do hope you understand, this is simply business."

Nami frowned, but nodded nonetheless. "Yes, I do understand that." She paused, a malevolent smile coming over her face. "And on that note, there _is_ a significant bright side to you figuring it out…"

"Um, what are you—?" Jonathan asked nervously.

"You see, respectable Marine though you've proven that you are, you're still the man that invaded my private space and stole my precious treasure," she said, reminding Jonathan so much of an angry Jessica that he found himself instinctively freezing up as she approached him. "I had to restrain myself from hurting you to keep my cover intact, you understand that, right? But now that you know the truth, I'm perfectly free to do THIS!"

 _CRUNCH!_

The few Marines gathered winced in sympathy, except for Drake. He, along with Robin, was smirking.

"Ow…" Jonathan winced as he fiddled with his broken nose. "Alright… I'm man enough to admit that I had that coming."

"You think _that's_ all I'm going to do to you?"

Jonathan paled in terror when Nami jerked him by his collar so that he was staring straight into her positively _evil_ grin.

"Let me assure you, Mister Vice Admiral… _we've only just begun."_

"Ah, D-Drake?"

"… Honestly, sir? It's my professional opinion that we can hold off on arresting her until she's finished," Drake mused. "For the safety of our men, you understand."

"Drake, you traitor," Jonathan whimpered.

"It's nothing personal, sir, I assure you." Drake slowly let a predatory grin slip across his face. "Actually… it really is. Consider this catharsis for all the years of smartassery you've subjected me to."

"Besides," Isaiah cut in. "You know what they say about women scorned. Your subordinate is showing very good sense in not getting in her way." He paused in thought. "In fact, perhaps we should leave and not expose our manly visages to such… cruelty."

"GOODBYE!" Terry yelled in agreement, flapping outside of the office alongside his companion and positioning themselves so that the didn't have to look into the office.

"Thank you _very_ much, Lieutenant Commander Drake, Isaiah, Terry," Nami purred before snapping a leer at the Vice Admiral. "Now then, Jonathan, if you would kindly?" The navigator swung her fist back. " _Grit your teeth."_

 **-o-**

All activity in the kitchen slowly came to a halt as the unmistakable sound of their commander being assaulted echoed around them. Jessica wasn't even able to reprimand them, caught up as she was in listening to it.

" _I WORKED MY FINGERS TO THE BONE TO INTOXICATE THAT SNAKE SO I COULD SALVAGE ALL OF THAT GOLD, AFTER WATCHING AN AMOUNT AS BIG AS THIS FORTRESS LITERALLY_ FLY AWAY! _HOW DARE YOU STEAL IT FROM ME?!"_

"… Well, I suppose I don't need to be angry at him anymore. This is punishment enough," Jessica mused.

 **-o-**

On the surface of the base's bay, five dugongs were cringing in sympathy and horror in response to the beatdown they heard.

"…Boys? I've decided that I don't need to raise my disciplinary measures, as I have absolutely no chance of being as good at punishment as she is."

The four younger dugongs all sighed in relief.

"So, I'll just have to make sure that if any of you do something too stupid, _she_ takes care of the discipline."

The martial artist amphibian cocked an eyebrow as his students flopped onto their backs, foam bubbling from their mouths.

"Note to self: focus on training their wills from now on."

 **-o-**

" _Urp…_ oh— _hurk—_ I'm sorry about this— _blugh_ —Doctor Chopper," moaned Kobato around the bile with which she was filling the infirmary's toilet.

"Don't worry about it, Doctor Kobato," Chopper sighed in resignation, the audio of Nami's rage echoing in both of their ears as he held Kobato steady. "Believe me, this is an _entirely_ normal reaction to hearing this."

"Oh, that's— _ough_ —good to hear."

 **-o-**

Elsewhere in the base, two of the Straw Hats were doing a very good job at epitomizing the crew's standard insanity. How? Because in response to Nami's rage, the chef was having mood swings—

" _NAMI-SWAN IS SO GORGEOUS WHEN SHE'S ANGRY—_ but this time, I think the rage is just too much— _BUT SHE'S SO WONDERFULLY BRUTAL—_ but is it too much? I'm scared— _BUT IT'S STILL NAMI-SWAN!_ "

—and Luffy was rolling on the ground laughing his rubber head off in response to Sanji's antics. No Marines were around, but if they were, odds were that they would be far too bemused to do anything about them.

 **-o-**

"The witch really _has_ been holding out on us," Zoro muttered, currently in the middle of a large metal slab with the G-8 logo embedded in it, on one side of which was a large stone spire and the other was what appeared to be the open ocean.

"Huh. Looks like the lake here is bigger than I thought," he remarked before walking on.

 **-o-**

Jonathan was a Vice Admiral, renowned for being extremely formidable in battle, capable of taking down an army singlehandedly.

Jonathan was a genius, capable of outsmarting one of the most ruthless, powerful, and fanatical Marines in the Corps and treated any challenge as though it were a simple game of chess.

Jonathan was currently nursing enough injuries from a rookie pirate—who wasn't even the captain!—that nobody was likely to believe either of those.

And meanwhile, Nami was standing over him, huffing and puffing at him with an expression that was just now ceasing to be demonic. "Now, with that done… _MY GOLD!"_

The non-Marine shed her coat and sped over to the pile of gold in the room, hugging and kissing it as if it were her lost child.

"Oh, my dearly beloved gold! Did the mean Marines damage you at all? Don't worry, Mommy's here now, I'll take good—"

 _THWACK!_

"Ugh…" Nami moaned as a chop to her neck knocked her out, laying her out flat at the feet of a grimacing Inspector.

"That was very quickly becoming disturbing. _Please_ get her out of here," Robin said sourly.

Drake shivered slightly at the inspector's expression before nodding in agreement. "Understood." He popped a salute off at Jonathan. "By your leave, sir!" And with that, he foisted Nami onto his shoulder and marched out of the office.

Once the door was shut, Jonathan gave 'Inspector Shepherd' a bland look. "Well, now, _that_ was certainly harsh. To your own crewmate, no less?"

Robin sighed fondly as she slid her glasses off and graced the Vice Admiral with a light smile. "Miss…" Robin paused for a moment before her smile became more… natural. "Nami is like a little sister to me, and while her antics and habits can be amusing at times, there are also moments when she needs to be restrained to a certain degree, if only for the sake of her own dignity."

"Heh, I believe I might know the sentiment," Jonathan nodded in agreement. "I respect and care for my men like none other, but they do so love to make fools of themselves at times. I can only imagine where they'd be without me."

"I do believe that I know how you feel, Mister Vice Admiral."

" _Hey, I resent those implications!"_ Cross protested.

" _ **Don't you MEAN**_ _RESEMBLE?"_ Soundbite cackled.

" _Ah, shut it. But, ah… moving on… Jonathan, if you've already made Robin, then why isn't she in seastone cuffs? Not that I'm complaining… much…"_

"And I thought we were getting along _so_ well…" Robin mock-pouted.

" _You almost let me get dissected within 24 hours of you joining the crew."_

"And here I thought that time was supposed to heal all wounds."

"For the sake of my marriage, I hope it does…" Jonathan muttered before raising his voice. "And to answer your question, Cross, while you might be willing to cheat without mercy—"

" _Pi~rate~!"_

" _I_ am still a man of my word. While I myself might have managed to identify Nico Robin, none of my subordinates did, and there are still several hours to go before I can directly accelerate your captures. Until then, her identity is safe with me. But out of morbid curiosity… what happened to the real Shepherd?"

When Cross told him, Jonathan laughed. When Soundbite told him how many grunts had discovered the inspector, Jonathan fell off his chair.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, I needed that," Jonathan chuckled as he wiped a tear from his eye. "Well, I suppose you should be going, but before you do, if I might make one request?"

"Oh?" Robin gave the Vice Admiral a curious look. "And that would be?"

Jonathan slid his chessboard to the middle of his desk with a pleading look. "One game? Please?"

Robin paused contemplatively. "Well…"

" _Oh, go on and enjoy yourself,"_ Cross prompted in a careless tone. " _I'll need time to plan this out anyways and get everyone in place, so you've got time to spare. Oh, and Jonathan? If it's not clear already, allow me to point out weak spot number three. I mean, it's perfectly understandable, but freezing up when confronted with angry women is not conducive to long-term survival, not least because of how many female pirate captains there are out there."_

"Noted, Cross," Jonathan said dryly, though he actually did note something down on a piece of paper at his desk before concentrating on the board. "Now then, white to you, Miss Robin."

Robin grinned, a hint of competitive menace entering her expression as she began to play. "The middle of a life-or-death situation, and I find myself playing a friendly game of chess with the person responsible for every bit of danger in that situation." She slowly shook her head in awe. "I can't deny it anymore. I _love_ being a Straw Hat Pirate."

 **-o-**

"…You actually spoke to her?" Mekao breathed, too taken with the pirate's story to consider anything in the vein of apprehending him.

"Yeah," Usopp confirmed quietly, running a longing hand over Merry's neck brace. "She talked about how much she wanted to stay with us, and we plan to do everything we can to make sure that it happens. But…" He let out a rueful—and slightly miserable—chuckle. "She gave me a real attitude check, too. I can only imagine how I would have reacted if I found out I had to let go without her telling me to." He shuddered in horror. "And I'm not really sure I want to either, for that matter…" The sniper was somber for a moment before hastily rallying and making an attempt to smirk. "But I have to admit, I think what surprised me most was how colorful her vocabulary is."

"HA!" Mekao cackled. "The legends of Klabautermanns never touched much on that, focusing more on the fact that any ship that went to that much trouble was showing nothing but love and gratitude." The monkey-like shipwright grinned wryly. "But I will admit there have been the odd whispers here and there, usually dismissed because of how beautiful the story is, about _other_ sailors hearing somebody cussing them out whenever they screw up in a particularly spectacular manner. Though then again, I suppose it only makes sense, doesn't it?" He looked around the Merry with a smile. "Like sailor, like ship. It's just that simple."

Usopp chuckled ruefully. "Yeah, I guess I was expecting her to be a lot more like her old mistress, but really, she's still just as kind and wonderful as I was expecting."

Mekao's grin only grew wider. "As I said, kid. I honestly think that you and yours only have yourselves to thank for that. You're no shipwright, that much is obvious…" He knocked his knuckles against the metal plates bolted onto the caravel. "But the love you've shown to this vessel is more than most people who _are_ shipwrights ever give to a dinghy, including most everyone in this base. If that Klabautermann ever manifests again, do me a favor and put her on the SBS to talk about that."

Usopp matched Mekao's grin tooth for tooth. "Can do, old man."

"That's him, Lieutenant Cormac."

Both men turned to see a man with dark hair in a style much like Usopp's leading the sunglasses-wearing Marine towards the ship, a dozen or two grunts following him. Usopp's curiosity quickly turned to nervousness when the dark-haired Marine pointed to him.

"Thank you, Chief Petty Officer," Cormac said before looking at the old man. "I see you have a new friend, Mekao. One who I don't recognize. Care to… introduce him?"

"Eh?" Mekao practically shouted, one hand held up to cup his ear. "What was that?"

Cormac frowned. "I said," he repeated, slightly louder. "Who is your new friend, Mekao?"

"Whose yurt is it?" Mekao shouted, glancing around in exaggerated confusion. "I don't see any yurt."

Cormac's eyebrow twitched. "You pulled that same trick a week ago when I tried to talk to you about the shipwright's budget, pull the other one."

Mekao blinked, then gave an exaggerated twitch as he clutched his hip. "Oh, my hip!" he howled, sinking to his knees. "I think it's broken!"

"And you used that one last month when I tried to talk to you about your hiring practices."

Usopp watched the display in confusion for a bit before noticing Mekao's finger jabbing at the air behind his back. It took him a second, but soon enough he grinned and slowly attempted to creep away, thanking his lucky stars for the old man's creativity.

He'd _almost_ made it to the other edge of the Merry too…

"Going somewhere?"

"ACK!"

When he practically jumped out of his skin on account of one Chief Petty Officer Holger grabbing his shoulder.

"—and that one was used three days ago when—Oh, good job, Holger."

Mekao's fake wince became genuine as he saw that their attention had turned to Usopp, whose twitching and sweating were making his attempts to look inconspicuous fail miserably.

"I-I-Is anything wrong—?" Usopp's brain stalled as he tried to conjure what rank the man's uniform could possibly denote.

Thankfully, where his memory failed, Soundbite came through. " _ **Lieutenant Cormac."**_

"L-Lieutenant?" the sniper stammered while barely missing a beat.

Cormac looked Usopp up and down. "I've never seen you on base before, soldier. What's your name and squad?"

" _Use one of the Usopp Pirates' names!"_ Cross said hastily.

" **Division 18,** _ **SUPPLY SQUAD**_ ," Soundbite added. " _ **Snipers are too**_ _REGULATED,_ SUPPLIES LESS SO."

Usopp swallowed heavily before straightening up into a salute. "S-Seaman Apprentice Pepper, D-Division 18. I-I was just curious about the pirates' arsenal, and Mekao here was telling me some incredible legends about ships," he said, growing more confident as he went on.

"Division 18? Isn't that the sniper division?" Cormac asked.

"H-Heh, I wish, I am something of a marksman," Usopp chuckled sheepishly as he scratched a finger beneath his nose. "N-No, it's just the supply division, not nearly as exciting… and not nearly as easy to stand out, either."

"Hmm…" Cormac started to hum, exchanging glances with Henrick.

Feeling the pressure start to come off him, Usopp slowly started straightening up and allowed himself to grin—

" _Usopp, if you're starting to feel like you're in the clear,_ don't."

Before freezing as Cross hissed in his ear.

" _That's your primary tell, Usopp. You can make lies up on the fly easy, sure, but whenever you think someone's bought them, you start acting cocky and high and mighty. In case you've forgotten, you're supposed to be a soldier suspected of being a pirate. Scared shitless is the_ very _appropriate emotion; you start acting like you've gotten away with it, you_ will _be made!"_

That particular bit of information guaranteed that Usopp didn't have to fake the nervousness that he redisplayed in place of his grin, his trembling redoubling as he maintained his salute, then re-tripling when Cormac stepped up before him.

"My apologies, Seaman Apprentice, it seems I was mistaken," Cormac said with an apologetic grin. "If you'll just state the password that you should have received from Lieutenant Commander Drake, you can go."

"P-P-Password? I… oh, yeah, o-of course!" Usopp scratched the back of his head with a chuckle. "Sorry, it's just that no one's asked me about it in awhile, just lemme, ah…"

"Marineford _**TANGO**_ _EN… IES…_ _**wait a second…**_ "

"Uhh… o-oh, now I remember it!" Usopp stuck his finger up eagerly.

" **NO, WAIT!** _IT'S A—!"_

"Marine Tango Enies… right?" Usopp grinned hopefully.

"… _ **trap,"**_ Soundbite finished lamely for all the dock to hear as Cormac and Holger grinned triumphantly, prompting Usopp to break into a cold sweat. "DAMN IT."

"W-W-What are you—!?" Usopp started to stammer out.

" _Soundbite, what are you saying!?"_ Cross finished for him.

The sound of grinding teeth filled the air. " _ **I didn't notice until**_ **USOPP SAID IT,** but _NO ONE_ **has been using that** _ **PASSWORD!**_ SHOULDA FIGURED it was too easy. _**JONATHAN PLAYED US!"**_

"Give the snail a prize," Cormac said smugly. "The real password was that there _was_ no password. If you'd expressed ignorance of its existence, I might have even let you go free."

"As it is, however," Holger unfastened a pair of handcuffs from his belt and held them open. "You'll be coming with us. And don't try resisting, we all know it wouldn't do any good."

Usopp swallowed heavily and shakily started to raise his wrists in defeat…

" _ **WAIT!"**_

When Soundbite's voice cracked through the air.

"Son of a— _what?"_ Cormac snapped irritably.

" **A quick question** _FOR HOLGER!"_ Soundbite pleaded. " _ **Any chance you might**_ **BE FROM A TOWN IN** the East Blue called SYRUP VILLAGE?"

Holger blinked in confusion while Usopp gaped at the air in horror and outrage. "Wha—No, I'm from the South Blue. Why, what does that have to do with anything?"

" **OH, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING,"** Soundbite scoffed, his tone _screaming_ of a shit-eating grin. " **I just needed to** _ **distract you dipshits**_ _FOR THE TEN SECONDS BOSS NEEDED_ TO GET THERE! _**NOW!"**_

A loud splash sounded from beside the Merry as Boss leapt out of the water, snapping his weapon out and lashing the rope around Usopp's waist.

Looking back, the Marines couldn't be sure whether the sniper had attempted to run towards them or away from them. As it was, however, they only had an instant to observe the scene before the dugong spun in the air, winding in the rope and reeling in Usopp before disappearing back beneath the water.

 **-o-**

I sighed in relief as I heard that Usopp had managed to get away, and indignant though he was, better for us to have as many people outside of the brig to deal with the jailbreak.

"So, let's see…" I said, scanning over the base from the treetops. "Sixteen crewmates outside the brig. Conis, Su, Chopper, and Robin are all in disguises that nobody who'll expose them have seen through. The Dugongs and Usopp are hiding out in the moat, Sanji and Luffy are in the forest, Lassoo and Zoro are somewhere in the base, and of course, the communications officers are communicating from right here."

" _Actually, Lassoo found his way over to me,"_ Conis said. " _I've got him hidden in the supply closet for now, but I'm ready to get him as soon as you say the word."_

" _And_ _ **Zoro**_ **is RIGHT BEHIND** _SANJI,"_ Soundbite added.

" _WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL, SWIRLYBROW/MOSSHEAD!?"_

I pinched the bridge of my nose as yet another fight began. "Alright… Usopp, what's your current status?"

"… _Honestly better than I expected,"_ Usopp said in mild surprise. " _I guess I've just got too many bad memories of Luffy's reach to be upset when it actually went well this time. But, uh, besides that, we're at the outer ring of the base, and I'm climbing up back into the forest, right near that giant bridge that they've got."_

"Ah right, the brid—" I cut myself off with a smirk. "… Guys? I just figured out weak spot number four, and showing it off to Jonathan will be _spectacular."_

" _I like the sound of that. So, what's the plan?"_ Vivi asked.

"For now, we wait until Robin's done playing chess with Jonathan. At that point… everyone be ready to move. Sorry, Vivi, that means you're going to have to wait a while."

" _Don't worry, Cross, they didn't even bind my hands. I can handle being in a cell,"_ Vivi said calmly.

 **AFTERNOON**

 **-18 Hours Remain-**

Vivi and Nami both twitched irately as they glared bloody murder at nothing.

"Soundbite, you are one of my dearest friends and most of the time I find your antics to be quite amusing…" Vivi grit out as she dragged her nails down the side of her head before throwing her head back and screaming furiously. "BUT SO HELP ME ANUBIS, IF YOU DON'T STOP PLAYING THE FUCKING HARMONICA, I WILL RIP THE EYESTALKS FROM YOUR SCRAWNY BODY AND _FEED THEM TO YOU!"_

The _very_ repetitive melody promptly ceased, and Vivi stood tall for a few seconds in order to assure that the music was indeed gone before allowing herself to slump forwards with a sigh of relief, trudging over to lean against Carue's snoring mass.

Nami rolled her eyes and started counting down in her head as glorious silence stretched on, stuffing her fingers in her ears. "And in three, two, one…"

Vivi, for her part, allowed her eyes to slowly drift shut…

Before snapping them open in all their vein-filled fury when an electric guitar started strumming.

" _ **The warden threw a party in the county jail! The prison band was there and they began to wail!"**_

"Called it," Nami hung her head with a sigh.

" _RAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"_

Lieutenant Commander Drake and every single Marine that had been assigned to guard duty over the brig were giving their sole occupied cage a very, very wide berth. Ostensibly, they were assembled for an ambush. In reality, it was in no small part because they wanted to be as far away as humanly possible from the Straw Hats' demonic navigator and furious princess.

"I guess she couldn't handle being in a cell after all," muttered one Marine.

"QUIET!" hissed several others.

"Hey, she's locked up, what can she do about it?"

"It's not _her_ we're worried about," Drake said, checking for the umpteenth time that his ear protectors were secure. "Remember, men: the only reason we have her in custody was because she _surrendered_ herself for the express purpose of allowing the opportunity for a jailbreak in the first place. And considering what we've seen so far, we can expect the Strawhats to know that we're ready to ambush them, so keep your eyes peeled for any signs of subterfuge they might try and employ."

Drake acknowledged the nods of his men and prepared to settle in for a wait…

"Actually…"

When a familiar voice prompted him to whip around. He then paled in terror when he came face-to-face with none other than Straw Hat Luffy, who was grinning as he knocked his knuckles together, Pirate Hunter Zoro, who was tying a bandanna around his forehead, and a blonde-haired man who he could only assume was their chef, Sanji.

Said chef lit a cigarette and took a drag before sighing out a cloud of smoke. "Cross decided that in this particular instance, a hammer would be just as effective a tool as a scalpel." Sanji smirked sadistically. "Sucks to be you, huh?"

"… _Why_ did it have to be the Straw Hats?" Drake moaned again.

The Marines tried to stop them. They really did. But without the sea prism stone bazookas, they had no way of combating the Monster Trio effectively in such close quarters. It was less than five minutes before the Marines, one and all, were unconscious.

" _ **People falling left and right, it's a slaughter, not a fight!"**_ Soundbite cheered.

"Good work, you three. Drake should have the keys to the cage," Vivi said.

"AH, MY DEAR SWEET VIVI! DID YOU SEE HOW I FOUGHT FOR YOU?"

"Yes, Sanji, we both did. We also got a decent bit of blowback from it," Nami grumbled as she picked a tooth from her hair. "Now, can you _please_ get us out of here?"

"Not the easy way. Looks like the keys took a direct hit from Luffy or the cook," Zoro deadpanned, holding up a twisted mass of metal.

"Oh, _just_ from us, hm?" Sanji deadpanned as he held up two halves of what were once a whole key.

"Shishishi, you two are idiots," Luffy chuckled from atop the pile of KO'd bodies he was perched on.

"YOU'RE ONE TO TALK!"

Luffy just laughed more, and Nami ground her palm into her face. "Zoro, cut the cage open so I can strangle him."

Zoro rolled his eyes at the order, but nonetheless stepped up, sheathing two of his swords and leaving only the Wado Ichimonji. The two girls and Carue stepped back to give Zoro room, and the swordsman closed his eyes, concentrated… and slashed out.

The bars remained intact, and the swordsman grimaced. "Damn it, are these things made of _diamond_ or something?" he groused.

" _Close, Zoro,"_ came Cross' voice. " _They're made of sea prism stone, which is supposed to be just as hard."_

"And you didn't tell him that first because…?" Nami demanded.

" _Because I hoped that if he didn't know he couldn't do it, he might be able to do it,"_ Cross admitted.

"… That's either brilliant or stupid," Sanji remarked. "Which means that the mosshead should have been able to do it either way."

"Oh, oh, I've got something!" Luffy piped up before a fight could start. Looking back at him revealed that he was wearing a steel gauntlet on his right arm. "Usopp passed on Cross' new Impact Gauntlet earlier, and told me to fill it up and test it out. So I hit it with, uh… ten Bazookas? Maybe twenty?"

" _That much power concentrated in a shock wave? Hmm… well, it should work on the hinges, if nothing else."_

Grinning, Luffy, moved over to the door, prompting the three inhabitants of the cage to move to the opposite end of it. Luffy placed the gauntlet at the edge of the door…

"Aaand IMPACT!"

The good news was that that much force compressed into an Impact Dial struck at the weak spot was indeed enough to blow the door off of its hinges. And the bad news?

"Owww, that really stings!" Luffy whined as he waved his arm out, the shattered pieces of the gauntlet flying off in the process. Vivi, Carue, and a nonplussed Nami exited.

"Geez, I knew the blowback from Impact Dials hurt, but I thought _Luffy_ would be able to take it, for his rubber body if not his strength," the navigator observed.

" _That makes two of us,"_ snarled Cross. " _Freaking hell, Usopp, you were going to let me use that thing?! If it could hurt Luffy, it would have blown my arm clean off!"_

" _T-That wasn't the final product, that was just a prototype!"_ Usopp desperately protested. " _That's why I gave it to Luffy, to see if there were any bugs!"_

" _Well, I'd say there are a few left, wouldn't you!? Tsk…"_ Cross could be heard grinding his teeth before sighing heavily. " _We will talk about this later. For now, here's the plan; until everyone else gets in position, the rescue team needs to stay in the central spire. Keep running around, break down any obstacles in your way, living or not; until I give the word to head for the bridge, just keep raising chaos. Once I do, however, make tracks for it like there's no tomorrow. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take full advantage of how much Soundbite likes to prank Usopp by planning out some… call it karma."_

The subtle static in the air faded, and the rest of the crew exchanged glances.

"Should we worry about Cross killing Usopp?" Zoro wondered idly.

"I suppose I'll have to ask Chopper if it's possible to die of fright," Sanji mused. "Anyway, in the meantime, Mosshead and Luffy should enjoy this part of the plan."

"Heh. I'm not even insulted this time, dartboard, this is going to be _fun,_ " the swordsman said, grinning ferally.

"Alright! Let's go!" Luffy cheered.

 **-o-**

Seaman James Hyde gripped his rifle a little tighter, marching in the center of a tight ball of Marines as they followed Ensign Henrick towards where they were pretty sure the Straw Hat Pirates were. The rest of his fellows seemed to believe they would just sweep away the Straw Hats by sheer force of numbers, but he knew better. A bunch of grunts with rifles seemed just… pitifully inadequate.

The ad-hoc battalion turned a corner, only to nearly collide with a Marine running the other way.

"Identify yourself, Marine!" Ensign Henrick barked.

"Screw that!" the Marine spat. "I'm getting out of here! The Straw Hats are bustin' through the walls!" And with that, he continued his flight, running around the reinforcements.

Ensign Henrick stared for a second, then shook his head and swung his hand forward, indicating that they should continue onward. They barely made it two steps before spotting another three Marines sprinting headlong in their direction.

"Soldiers, report! Where are the Straw Hats?" Ensign Henrick barked again.

Hyde couldn't help but notice that all three were shaking like leaves in a hurricane as they halted. Considering that, their answers were surprisingly coherent.

"They're demolishing the cell blocks!"

"No, no, they're heading for the Vice Admiral's office!"

"Nah, I heard Straw Hat Luffy himself say they needed to go to the mess!"

If still singularly unhelpful.

Hyde could see Ensign Henrick frown, and open his mouth—and then all three Marines started looking around, their heads practically on swivels.

"T-They're coming," one of them stammered. "THEY'RE COMING!"

Screaming, the three Marines returned to their flight. And while most of the battalion started muttering to themselves, Hyde noticed a slight cracking sound. A sound coming from _above_ them. Slowly, and with great trepidation, he looked up, to where a spiderweb of cracks was spreading across the ceiling.

"Above!" he shouted, just in time for the ceiling to… basically announce that it identified more as a dust cloud rather than any sort of solid object. The massive burst of dust and rubble sent the battalion into a fit of coughing and stumbling, even Ensign Henrick. As such, none were prepared when two razor-sharp attacks left as many Marines bleeding on the floor.

Hyde gulped as Pirate Hunter Zoro and Corsair Princess Vivi stepped out of the cloud, their weapons clutched in their hands. The Pirate Hunter's eyes gazed out from underneath his bandanna, piercing through all they fell on. And the Corsair Princess… well, she wasn't glaring at anyone, but the cold impassiveness of her expression was still somehow just as scary.

 **-o-**

"You sure are being ruthless for someone who hates hurting people," Zoro grunted.

The princess sighed as she stepped through the Marines, idly spinning her Cutter at her side. "I think I demonstrated when I met you that I was willing to do whatever I had to if it meant keeping harm from coming to my home. And considering my current state in regards to Alabasta, my home is with our crew." She shook her head with a sigh. "I hope I'll never start enjoying fighting, but I won't deny that I'm growing more comfortable with doing what needs to be done."

"Hn."

 **-o-**

Quaking, Hyde raised his musket to fire at the two. He had to do _something,_ after all. His pride as a Marine demanded it! He pulled the trigger, the musket fired—and then a black mass got in the way, fire blazing in its eyes.

"DENIED!"

One black limb lashed out, and then the Marine knew no more.

 **-o-**

Both Vivi and Zoro sweatdropped as Sanji tore through the Marines like a combine harvester through a wheat field.

"I'm not the only one who thinks this is a bit of an overreaction, right?" Vivi wondered, idly kicking her leg back. The action was shortly followed by the loud thump of a body hitting the floor.

" _This? Oh, no, you didn't see him when the Ordeal of Iron tagged Conis,_ " Cross said from nowhere. "That _made him so angry that he both spontaneously combusted_ and _learned how to_ fly _for the express purpose of helping him try and reduce that bastard Ohm to a pile of ash."_

The two blade-wielders exchanged looks, shrugged, and proceeded after Sanji.

"Monsters," Nami droned, peeking out from behind a corner alongside Carue. "They're all monsters."

"Said da wightning-fwinging navigatah to dah supah-sonic man-sized tawking duck," said duck deadpanned.

Suddenly, every single one of the Straw Hats present stiffened as they realized something.

"Wait, where's Luffy?!"

 **-o-**

" **About two floors above** **you** _and ten metres ahead,"_ Soundbite snickered, grinning from ear to ear. "HE'S PULLING _**the same stunt he used**_ **BACK IN** _ **ALABASTA**_ **with** _CROSS!_ HUMAN FLAIL!"

Despite my… _mixed feelings_ about that particular memory, I couldn't help but snicker. "Alright, so they're doing good at raising pandemonium. Let's check back in with Jonathan and confirm just how many reinforcements we've got on the way, shall we?"

" _ROGER!"_ Soundbite concentrated for a second before suddenly turning bright red.

"What the—?" I jumped in shock.

" _ **HOOOOOT!"**_ the snail yowled, flailing miserably as a cloud of steam rocketed from his mouth.

" _WE'RE FIFTY-FIVE AND YA BETTER FEAR IT!"_ came a drill sergeant-like voice.

" _ **WE'RE FIFTY-FIVE AND YA BETTER FEAR IT!"**_ echoed a chorus of masculine voices.

" _OR YOU'RE GONNA TASTE OUR FIERY SPIRIT!"_

" _ **OR YOU'RE GONNA TASTE OUR FIERY SPIRIT!"**_

"Oh, right, _these_ lunatics," I coughed as I tried to wave the steam out of my face. Freaking hell, what were they trying to do, _smoke_ us to death!?

" _Hmph. Aye-aye, sir. Subdue the pirates. Are you sure you wouldn't like to change the orders to shoot on sight?"_

" _ **WE'LL SMASH YOUR BAGS AND EAT YOUR GUNS!"**_

" _WE'LL MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE—!"_

" _Y-Yes, I'm sure. Well, good luck!"_ came Jonathan's voice, sounding rather perturbed, followed closely by the click of a Transponder Snail's receiver.

Soundbite promptly sagged, wheezing miserably as he let his tongue loll out. "YOU… _fight… DIRTY…"_

" _I believe that there's been some mention of Marines bending the rules on the SBS in the pursuit of Justice, no?"_ Jonathan shot back casually. " _And really, if we were scoring based upon cheating, you would have won long before now by grace of the slaughter rule. Consider this simply… evening the playing field."_

I exhaled before carefully climbing down the tree and ultimately jumping off once I was low enough. As soon as my feet touched the earth, I started moving towards the massive bridge that was easily visible. "Well, then, I suppose we'll have to do the same, won't we? May the best cheaters win!"

 **-o-**

Inside the spire, Nami was panting and leaning against a wall as she tried to catch her breath. "This… pace… is… _insane…"_ she bit out before glaring up at the air. "And I'm pretty sure we've got half of the base's roster in here to boot! Can we _please_ get out of here now?"

Before Cross could answer, Luffy did the honors by running back around the corner he'd turned on his own, waving his arms eagerly. "Hey, guys, I found a way out to this cool bridge with a buncha funny guys standing on it! Wanna check it out?"

"… _eh, screw it. Everyone's in position; if it's not happening now, then it's not happening period! Alright, team, break for the bridge!"_

"WOOHOO!" Luffy whooped, heading back the way he came.

Nami rolled her eyes before jogging after him. "Should we be worried about the 'funny guys' Luffy saw?"

" _Maybe, if it weren't for a nasty surprise that I've arranged for them that they're going to find out shortly,"_ Cross chuckled maliciously.

"Well, if you say so…" Nami muttered as she followed the rest of the crew, and promptly froze in wide-eyed horror when she came in sight of the bridge and its occupants.

Its huge, pumped up, supremely _sweaty_ occupants. One, who looked particularly red, stepped up to the front and cleared his throat.

"Please allow us to introduce ourselves," he said gruffly. "We're the legendary unit 55, and no pirates will ever cross this bridge on our watch!"

"Do you realize how many times we've crossed this bridge since we got here?" Nami deadpanned.

"Apparently, they were off the clock at the time!"

Attention was diverted to the other end of the bridge, where Cross was fast-roping down the cliff-face before unlatching from the rope once he was a few feet above the ground.

" **Long live the** _action-movie ENTRY!"_ Soundbite cackled.

"Either way," Cross continued with a careless grin. "It doesn't really matter. They can't stop us."

The red-faced Marine honestly took that better than expected. "I'm gonna make you eat those words, pirate!" he shouted, hunching over and flexing every muscle in his arms. "WE'RE FIFTY-FIVE, AND YA— _GRK!"_

While the other Marines looked on in horror, the watching Straw Hats slowly matched Cross' grin as they took in the sight of what made the Marine stop speaking: an arm blooming around his neck, and putting him in a chokehold. Despite how formidable the man appeared, he went down in only a few seconds.

"As expected." The other Marines' horrified gazes snapped away from their comrade when a smug feminine voice sounded from somewhere among the Squad. "Maintaining their hot-bloodedness takes so much oxygen that they can't handle being cut off for more than a few seconds. A rather glaring weak spot, don't you think?"

"M-Major Shepherd?" asked one Marine pleadingly.

"Sorry, boys, but I have to get back to my crew now," Robin purred as she slid her sunglasses off and tossed away her jacket, causing the Marines to tense in panic. "It's been a pleasure tricking you, gentlemen. As they say in the North Blue…" Robin crossed her arms, causing phantom limbs to sprout from the shoulders of the on-looking shoulders, much to their horror. " _Do svidoniya."_

And without further ado, arms encircled the necks of half the soldiers present, dropping them in moments.

The deed done, Robin spread her arms invitingly. "If you'd all be so kind as to handle the rest?"

Luffy eagerly slammed his fists together. "Heck yeah!"

What happened next was undoubtedly the most humiliating two minutes of Squad 55's existence. The Straw Hats' strength alone was enough to take down each man with one shot, and though 55 started with an advantage in numbers, Robin stepped in a couple of times with a few dozen more chokeholds to remedy that. It was overkill, really.

"Send them flying in _that_ direction, guys," Cross requested, jabbing his thumb at the spire before grinning at Robin. "And good work, Robin."

She chuckled somewhat maliciously. "Believe me, after spending the last hour with those overheated apes, it was _wonderful_ to finally get rid of them."

"GUM-GUM BAZOOKA!" Luffy called out, slamming his hands forward and sending the unconscious Marines flying back to the spire, some falling into the water below as well.

With that done, the rest of the crew started streaming over to where we stood. The range of emotions was interesting—from Vivi's carefully blank expression to Usopp's naked relief—but all seemed to sense that this was something we all needed to hear, and so kept quiet.

"Alright, we're all together again. What's next, Cross?" Chopper asked once we were all together.

My answering smile was telling. "Next, we're going to show Jonathan what a mistake it was to challenge _us_ to a cheating contest. Lassoo, Chopper, Conis, Boss, you see this bridge?"

"Yeah?" Boss asked.

"It's the only solid passageway between the outer and inner parts of the fortress." I stuck out a thumbs up and slowly inverted it. " _Eviscerate it."_

Lassoo, Boss, and the Dugongs gained bloodthirsty grins, while Conis and Chopper merely nodded in understanding, the former grabbing the scruff of Lassoo's neck and hoisting him onto her shoulder as he swapped to his weapon form and the latter digging out a number of vials from his pack. The Dugongs set to work immediately, cutting the cables and denting the metal wherever it was most vulnerable. Then, once the bridge's stability was sufficiently precarious, Conis and Chopper moved in, launching enough bombs and explosives to fill up a small house. I slid on my ear protectors, and a few seconds later…

 _ **KER-BLOOEY!**_

" _London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down! London bridge is falling down, my dear_ JONNY _,"_ Soundbite sang eagerly as the once-mighty structure collapsed under its own weight.

 **-o-**

Jonathan couldn't help but gape as he saw what had minutes before been a masterpiece of engineering come crashing down onto the stone path beneath it. Where once there was a pair of perfectly safe and stable pathways from the central spire to the outer ring, there was now merely a mountain of wreckage that nobody was likely to get through anytime in the near future.

" _Weak spot number four, Jonathan: having only one passageway from the inside to the outside,"_ Cross cheekily informed him.

"…You destroyed the Straw Bridge. Why would you destroy the Straw Bridge? Do you know much it _cost_ to build that in the first place?" Jonathan sank into his seat with a moan.

" _Consider it payback for infringing on our crew's copyright. Oh, and believe me, Jonathan, you don't have time to dwell on that. And I think you're about to find that out."_

The exact instant that the subtle static around him faded, the Transponder Snail at his desk began ringing.

" _Commander Jonathan, this is Chief Petty Officer Holger,"_ came the unmistakable voice of the person in question, sounding panicked.

"I told you not to communicate by snail—"

" _I KNOW, sir, but I've already sent three men to you and we haven't received a response yet, so I can only assume that they're being intercepted! Every time I do a headcount, someone else is missing! I think that the Straw Hats are picking us off, but we can't find them! WE NEED REINFORCEMENTS,_ PLEASE!"

Jonathan's eyebrows rose as he heard that before nodding. "Very well, I'll send notice to Henrick to gather a group and join you at the ship."

" _Thank you, Commander!"_

The line disconnected, and as Jonathan left his office to give the orders to the nearest Marine, he reasoned that that distress call had to be genuine. After all, it seemed that there could be no benefit for Cross to pose as Holger and make him send more troops to guard their ship.

 **-o-**

"Cross, would you care to tell me the benefit for you to pose as Holger and make me send more troops to guard your ship?" Jonathan asked flatly, his eye twitching as he watched the pirate ship sail out of sight from his balcony. "You already _knew_ where the Going Merry was, all you accomplished was having there be _more_ troops present when you tore through them!"

" _And that is exactly why I did it, Jonathan, both because you now have less manpower at your disposal, if only a small amount compared to G-8's population, and because if we'd taken the easy way, it just wouldn't have been anywhere near as much_ fun."

 _THUNK!_

Jonathan groaned as he raised his forehead from the balcony's railing. "'Fun,' he says…"

" _Soundbite, if you'd be so kind as to quote the_ grrreat _Captain Jack Sparrow, who I wouldn't be surprised if Jonathan didn't recognize?"_ Cross requested, rolling the 'r' on 'great'.

" **Ooh, GOODY!** _AHEM_ … _a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you want to watch out for. Because you can never predict when they're gonna do something incredibly…_ stupid."

" _Thus, weak spot number five: expecting pirates to be logical,"_ Cross said smugly.

"Beaten by my wife, beaten by a pirate, the Straw Bridge is destroyed, and between you and those birds my sanity is starting to crack." Jonathan ground his fingers into his temple. "Why, oh, _why_ did I ever agree to this game?"

" _Because like it or not, the truth is that no pirate is stupid enough to come anywhere close to Navarone, so all that you and yours do is sit on your asses and twiddle your thumbs all day, so you needed_ someone _to spice up your hum-drum routine?"_

"Oh, right…"

Jonathan massaged his temples for a minute or so before searching for something less exasperating to remark on. Then he remembered the brief report he had received in the failed attempt to capture one of the Straw Hats at their ship.

"You Straw Hats are certainly charismatic," he remarked casually.

" _Huh? What makes you say that? I mean, I'm definitely not denying that our captain has a freakish ability to make people like him, but—"_

"I'm referring to the fact that you've managed to sway a handful of your enemies in this fortress to actually aiding you in your escape," Jonathan said, a slight smile coming over his face. "Mekao the shipwright, his daughter Doctor Kobato, and to a lesser extent, even Jessica. Even the new recruits in this fortress take a week or so to develop a strong sense of loyalty to G-8, and yet, you managed to change their mindsets enough that they were willing to hide Princess Vivi from the rest of my troops. Care to explain?"

"… _well, I suppose it's more a matter of common interests than anything else,"_ Cross said, his shrug practically audible. " _Jessica appreciated Sanji's talent with food, Kobato was taken enough with Chopper's passion for medicine that she got over her hemophobia, and Mekao… well, that's more of a private matter, but suffice to say that he was glad to see a ship that was visibly loved by its crew. And let me remind you that we're not the stereotypical pirates; every fight we've ever been in, every enemy we've ever beaten has either been them attacking us or us counterattacking them. With shared interests like that, it seemed reasonable that they'd be willing to put prejudice aside, and it looks like it was."_

"Fair points, I suppose. But what of the new recruits?"

" _If you didn't listen to my first broadcast, you must have heard about it from someone who did,"_ Cross said more seriously. " _She shouldn't have set sail with us against her will. She should be back home in an Alabasta that hasn't seceded, that isn't at war once again, preparing to one day rule over her people in a peace they would have_ more _than earned. Tell me, Jonathan… what would_ you _have done if it was just Vivi that came here, and not any of the rest of us? Because I trust that you're smart enough to know what it means when HQ wants anybody alive, for any reason."_

Jonathan's smile faded.

" _I didn't start this show for shits and giggles, Jonathan. I started it because those bastards pushed the buck too far. I started doing this because I knew the chaos it would cause, the madness, the dissent, the_ doubt. _I did all of this… purely because I wanted to see the World Government bleed and_ burn."

"In short, your goals are the same as Dragon and the Revolutionary Army," Jonathan stated neutrally. "I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised if you know the truth about slavery and the five levels of Impel Down—"

" _Six."_

Jonathan froze. "…Pardon?"

" _Impel Down has_ six _levels, Jonathan, not five. I'm not surprised you don't know that, the whole point of it is that it's secret from all but the highest levels. But that's one of the rare cases where I agree with the World Government: the Eternal Hell's existence is better left unknown to the general public. If there's any good in this world, Crocodile's lifeless dust will one day decorate the cells… and, sadly, the next monster who sits in them, because we both know there'll_ always _be someone else to fill that cell."_

Jonathan gaped, left speechless at Cross' claim, and to his mounting horror, he actually found that he was fully prepared to believe that the pirate was telling the truth.

" _Well, I'm sure I've given you a lot to think about, Jonathan. But as it stands, the clock is still running. So, if you'll excuse me, our crew has some more blasting to do. I hope you have an emergency fund ready."_

" _ **BYE, NOW!**_ " Soundbite barked, upon which the transmission faded and explosions echoed from the other side of the base. Slowly, Jonathan moved back to his desk, taking in the sight of his chessboard, still set as it was at the conclusion of his game against Nico Robin. Then he reset the board and moved a pawn before spinning the board around and moving yet another. He needed to think, he needed to think _hard_.

 **-o-**

" _Alright, what's the damage report?"_ Jonathan asked his four officers, all of them gathered in his office and nursing their injuries from their personal meetings with the Straw Hat Pirates.

" _Well, I think we all know about the bridge,"_ Drake ground out, aching pain obvious in his voice. " _Between that, their little rampage through the spire, taking back their ship, and various odds and ends, about 25% of the Marines on base are combat ineffective."_

" _And the material damage isn't anything to sneeze at, either,"_ Cormac groaned. " _Thank God the Spire is built so tough, because we've got enough holes in the walls that most structures would have collapsed around our ears."_

" _A large portion of the floor and ceiling of Dock 88 has been demolished; one of the soldiers took a black seashell from their ship, and the pirates yelled at him to drop it as soon as they saw it. When he did… it blasted a shockwave up that caused a small cave-in, and the ground beneath it crumbled into a crater six feet wide,"_ Holger said weakly.

Jonathan blew out a weary breath. " _And therein lies the primary issue when dealing with the Strawhats' Third Mate: differentiating when he's being serious and when he's talking out of his ass… what else?"_

" _Aside from the fact that they've got their ship back and are heading for the Sea Gate? Nothing presently,"_ Henrick deadpanned. " _Shall we deploy the inner base's battleships and have them gather in formation at the Gate to intercept them?"_

" _Not yet. Based off of the Straw Hats' determination to defy logical expectations, I'm going to assume that they plan on leaving the same way that they came in: flying. How they'll pull it off, I have no idea, but I'm beyond the point where I'd be surprised if they did it. But first things first: send word to all units to begin clearing away the wreckage of the Straw Bridge. Once the natural bridge beneath it becomes traversable again, see to it that all cannons are manned, starting with the ones at the highest altitudes."_

" _Understood, sir. We'll see to it that the ships are prepared for towing and transporting rubble,"_ Henrick stated.

" _Very good. You're dismissed."_

There was a minute that was filled with footsteps, and then…

" _You have a little over twelve hours left, Strawhats, and I am counting every second of them. Spend them wisely, or prepare to spend the rest of your lives in Impel Down."_

Soundbite and I exchanged eager grins I jerked my hand across my throat and we turned our attention towards a certain old man.

"Thanks for showing us here, Mekao. This should give us all the time we need to finish our breakout," I said.

"Cheeky kids," the shipwright said, shaking his head while at the same time matching my grin. "Jonathan's going to be tearing his moustache out before you're done, isn't he?"

" **We can** _hope!"_ Soundbite chirped. The old shipwright laughed before heading back into the fortress. I waited until Soundbite nodded to me, and then turned back to our assembled crew and ship, hidden in one of the abandoned docks and decidedly _not_ sailing towards the Sea Gate.

"Well, then, now that we're all together, and with Robin's confiscated map…" I held up the rolled up scroll in question and shook it as I grinned malevolently. "How about I lay out my plan on how we're getting out of here?"

Everyone's equally eager grins were answer enough.

"Alright, then, in that case…" I spread the map out on a barrel, allowing everyone to gather around. Soundbite chose that moment to start humming a tune that was _very_ appropriate.

"Here's how we're gonna play this."

 **NIGHT**

 **-12 Hours Remain-**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Next chapter, we finish G-8. We'll update again at the usual time, so hang in there!**


	35. Chapter 33 - G-8 Pt 2

**Xomniac AN: Hey CV, TPO, quick question for you two: what would you say is one of the most perfect examples of complete and utter pwnage in existence?**

 **Hornet AN: Well, we showed one candidate back in Chapter 30.**

 **Patient AN: Umm… upstaging Duncan and forcing him both to acknowledge us as worthy opponents and re-plan his own story back in Chapters 23 and 24?**

 **Hornet AN: And then there's Quattro's expression at realizing that yes, Nanoha is about to blast through half a goddamn battleship to get to her.**

 **Patient AN: Oh, I've never seen that show, but I've seen the picture on TV Tropes a few times.**

 **Xomniac AN: Getting a bit off-topic here, but thankfully, I've found the most utterly** _ **perfect**_ **definition.**

 **Hornet AN: Oh?**

 **Patient AN: What would that be?**

 **Xomniac AN: T-T-T-** _ **TRIPLE TAP, YA MOOKS!**_

 **Chapter 33**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Did we say that we'd update again at the usual time? Yes. Did we say that we** _ **wouldn't**_ **update again before then? Not so much.**

 **DAWN**

 **-1 Hour Remains-**

The Vice Admiral stared out of his office's window, patiently waiting as the horizon steadily lit up. The Straw Hats had been silent since they stole back their ship; he had, of course, mobilized troops to search the empty docks, but all of them had reported back in the negative. He was almost disappointed that the second half of the game was turning out so uneventfully. But he was certain that the Straw Hats had neither left the base nor surrendered the game, and that they would soon make their move to escape. He would very quickly come to regret that he was right.

" _Jonathan,"_ came an unmistakable voice from nowhere.

"Cross. Do you need anything? Besides a better sense of humor, of course."

" _Hilarious. I wish we could stay around long enough to hear you on open-mic night,"_ Cross deadpanned. " _No, I just have a question for you. Would you care to hazard a guess as to why I'm no good at playing chess?"_

Jonathan blinked in surprise and considered the question for a moment before glancing upwards in thought. "I'll be honest: for the life of me, I can't understand why. After all, for all that your tactics are unconventional, they do seem to be effective."

" _It's actually quite easy, really: the rules."_

"Ah…?" Jonathan trailed off in a confused tone.

" _Oh, I understand the basic rules; who goes first, how the pieces move, things like that. But the fact remains that there's a million and one other rules and exceptions and whatnot to consider as well. Like it or not, chess is… controlled, regulated. Every strategy you come up with, every tactic and gambit, all has to adhere to the rules of the pieces and the board."_

"And you don't like operating within the rules," the Vice Admiral divined, turning away from the window.

" _Exactly. It's just too restricting for me, too hard to properly plan things out. Honestly, when it comes to playing games of strategy…"_

 _ **KA-BOOM!**_

Jonathan spun around and stared out his window in shock as several explosions rocked Navarone, and plumes of off-color smoke began billowing out of the ring's various cannon-emplacements.

" _I like to think that I shine best when I'm allowed to work outside the box. You know… to_ flip the board, _if you will."_

Jonathan swallowed heavily as he took in the scene of pandemonium unfolding before him. "What have you done, Cross?" he breathed numbly.

" _Oh, nobody's_ dead, _if that's what you're worried about. Honestly, I wouldn't worry about them if I were in your shoes. After all…"_

 **KRA-BOOM!**

Jonathan felt a ball of ice form in his stomach as another round of explosions suddenly went off from the other end of the base. He didn't even need to strain his ears to hear the storm of boots rushing towards his office.

" _You're about to be_ very _busy. Buckle up, Vice Admiral."_ Jonathan could practically hear the grin in Cross's voice. " _This is the endgame."_

 **-o-**

 **Eleven Hours Earlier**

" **Alright, everyone, listen up," I said as I tapped my finger on the map Robin had provided. "The whole plan hinges on Jonathan not realizing how we plan on getting out of here until it's too late. The man's proven that he's a genius, so if he manages to get an inch, he'll be able to work things so that he can take a mile. So, step one is to take away his command of the fortress."**

" **And how are we supposed to do that?" Nami asked, frowning. "They've already taken precautions against Soundbite, and I doubt Jonathan will fall for another Gastro-Clone play, no matter how illogical you make it."**

" **No, no, no, the time for deception has passed," I replied. "In order to make him lose control of this place, all we have to do is make this place completely out of control. Overwhelm him with so many damage reports that even he can't concentrate."**

" **So… we split up and smash things?" Luffy asked.**

" **No, no, no, not at all," I waved my hand dismissively. "If we went out and just started smashing things, they'd know exactly where we were and they'd flood the area with soldiers. We've done good so far, but sooner or later we'd get overwhelmed if they brought their full might to bear. No, what we need to do is make everything go wrong at the exact same time. What we need…" I slammed my fist on the barrel. "Is** _ **sabotage."**_

" **Oh, so we split up and smash specific things all at the same time," Luffy nodded. "Got it."**

 **I blinked in surprise at how easily Luffy grasped that. "Well, that and set things up to blow up once we're good and ready, too, along with a few other things, but… yeah, basically." I promptly moved on. "The basic idea is to overload Jonathan with so many problems that he won't be able to identify and stop the** _ **important**_ **bits of what we'll be doing. That way, when he finally realizes our escape route, it'll be too late to stop us."**

 **Everyone nodded in acceptance and understanding. "What exactly do you have in mind, Cross?" Boss asked gruffly.**

" **Weeell, for starters…" I turned my attention to our doctor. "Chopper, you've managed to concoct highly destructive explosives from scratch. Got any thoughts on making them messy instead?"**

 **-o-**

"Commander Jonathan!" cried several frantic soldiers, the only discernable words before they began yelling about various problems. Mentally groaning at the migraine this would cause, Jonathan raised a hand.

"One at a time," he ordered.

"Commander, the barracks have been compromised!" one soldier managed to get out. "The whole area has been covered with something like molasses!"

"T-The same thing happened in the armory! We can't get to our weapons! Not to mention a few dozen random corridors!"

"And the west cannons, too, bubbling out of the barrels! It's ridiculously thick, any attempts to move it just gets whatever we use stuck!"

"They also set off sulfur bombs in a lot of places, including where we were storing our gas masks! The smoke's so rancid that we can't even get close, no matter how thickly we cover our mouths and noses!"

Jonathan frowned as he processed the statements. "Alright, get a sample of it to Kobato, have her start analyzing it and see if she has any gas masks to—"

 _SLAM!_

All attention snapped to the door when it was kicked open, and all movement _froze_ when Jessica stalked in, looking fit to tear someone's head clean off.

 **-o-**

 **I turned to Sanji as Chopper set to work scribbling down formulae and compounds in a notebook. "Now, in regards to the kitchen—"**

" **If you're going to ask me to try sabotaging their food, it's out of the question, Cross," Sanji cut me off, before smirking. "But I think that what I did earlier may have helped; those recipes I gave Jessica were specifically designed for difficult customers at the Baratie…"**

 **-o-**

Jonathan swallowed heavily as he tried to steady his nerves in the face of his advancing spouse. He was, to his credit, mostly successful. "Jessica? What did they do in the kitchens?" he asked nervously.

"Either Cross or Sanji had this planned from the start," Jessica ground out sourly. "I didn't notice it at the time, but while the recipes he gave us were delicious beyond anything we've ever put out of that kitchen, they also _just so happened_ to be stuffed to the brim with tryptophan. Everyone who's eaten within the last twelve hours is half-asleep at best. But that's not the worst part—"

" _ **YOU DID**_ **WHAT?!"**

Everyone in the office jumped as a furious voice echoed around them, followed by the sound of two high-pitched screams and several footfalls.

" **LAXATIVES?** _ **YOU PUT**_ **LAXATIVES** _ **IN THEIR MEALS?! HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE SANCTITY OF FOOD LIKE THAT! GET BACK HERE, MIKEY! AND DON'T THINK YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK EITHER, CHOPPER, I KNOW WHERE HE GOT THE DOSAGES FROM! WE'RE HAVING VENISON AND TURTLE SOUP TONIGHT!"**_

" _SAVE US!"_ screamed the same high-pitched voices before the transmission cut out.

Jessica's eye twitched, but she looked somewhat mollified. "Well, at least Sanji didn't do it, it's good to see that my respect for him as a chef wasn't misplaced after all. But yes, most of the soldiers have stuffed the latrines to the brim as well."

 _KRAK-BOOM!_

The spire was suddenly rocked by a massive shudder, one that had the Marines glancing at the ceiling uneasily. Barely two seconds later, Jonathan's snail started ringing.

The Vice Admiral picked it up, treating it much like a venomous snake. "Yes?"

" _Ah, sir?"_ Cormac's queasy voice filtered out of the snail's mouth. " _I'm sorry for using the Transponder Snail against your orders, but…_ ugghh… _we have something of a—_ hurk!— _situation in the latrines."_

Jonathan ground his molars together. "How bad is it?"

 **-o-**

" **Well, that's disappointing…" I sighed morosely before shrugging. "Alright, moving on. Soundbite, have you got a good grasp on the base's plumbing system?"**

" _Huh?_ UM… **maybe?** _ **WHATCHA THINKIN'?"**_

" **Usopp, how much damage do you think you could do if you got your hands on the pipes?"**

 **The sniper thought for all of three seconds before grinning a prankster's grin.**

 **-o-**

The sound of heaving and splattering came over the connection as the snail grew green. " _It's bad…"_ Cormac moaned. " _The pirates sabotaged the plumbing… and combined with the—_ oh, crap, I can taste it!— _the gastric distress of our men… I'm afraid that there's been a… cataclysmic backup."_

Jonathan grimaced darkly. "How cataclysmic are we talking?"

"… _the best descriptor I can think of would be that the entire area looks like a battleship's bilge that hasn't been purged in months. And with more and more men running for the toilets as their own intestines attack them, suffice to say… "_

 _KABOOM!_ _ **CRASH!**_

Jonathan and all of the Marines in the room jumped in shock when the window was suddenly shattered by a ballistic sink that lodged itself in the opposite wall.

" _The situation is getting worse by the second."_

Jonathan began massaging his temples. "Alright, alright… rally the cleaning crews, clean this mess up, and then get the shipwrights into the plumbing so that—!"

 _SLAM!_

Jonathan almost had an aneurysm when Drake, red-faced and bearing numerous _bite marks_ of all things, nearly tore his door off the hinges. "Oh, what now?!" he demanded impatiently.

Drake flinched at the tone before slowly holding something up.

Jonathan stared at what he was holding in shock. "You have _got_ to be kidding me."

 **-o-**

" **Boss, seeing as we've got plenty of time before our deadline, how hard would it be for you and your students to scale the outer wall and go on a little… fishing expedition?"**

 **Boss gnawed on his cigar for a second before grinning eagerly. "Got any particular prey in mind?"**

 **His grin doubled in size when I told him.**

 **-o-**

"Where did they get a hammerhead shark?" Jessica wondered, taking in the sight of the dead but still-twitching aquatic carnivore Drake was holding up by the tail.

"Trust me, this is the _tamest_ of the beasts that they stuffed in our lockers…" Drake growled darkly. " _And_ they somehow stuffed our lockers with water to keep them _fresh!_ There is an _active battle_ going on against these things!"

"… Well, it would seem that the dugongs have outdone themselves…" Isaiah whistled in awe.

"I've been upstaged in power," concurred Terry, the quietest Jonathan had heard him speak. The Vice Admiral barely acknowledged that or their return, however, amidst the various problems spinning in his mind.

"The food, the passageways, the storage, the weapons, the cannons, the plumbing, and now this. I suppose the best thing to say is that it can't—MMPH!"

Jessica and Drake both slapped their hands over his mouth.

"You should know better than that, Commander," Drake snarled. " _Never_ say that things couldn't get any worse! The universe is always listening!"

Silence fell as Drake paled and everyone else in the room slowly turned to glare at him.

"…shit."

It was at that moment that the door to the office burst open and was _jammed_ with panicking Marines, all yelling in desperate attempts to garner Jonathan's attention.

 **-o-**

" **Luffy, Sanji, Robin…" I turned my gaze to the three crewmembers who I hadn't planned anything for. "I honestly do not know. Basically, just go hog wild. Whatever you think you can do, do it. Just get this place set up to be turned inside-out and upside-down come daybreak. Soundbite will be directing everyone so that we all stay well away from any patrols. So, once we're done here?" I shot them all a thumbs-up. "Do your** _ **worst.**_ "

 **-o-**

"Tripwires throughout the whole—!"

"—and the floors crumbled to pieces as we were—!"

"—laughing gas! Where did they even get—?"

"—rotten eggs and caltrops strewn through the—!"

"—growing through three different levels, branches and roots and everything! And the _squirrels—!"_

Jonathan's eyes stared vacantly into the distance, his mouth open in a continuous moan as his genius mind tried processing the onslaught of catastrophes going on throughout his base that, 24 hours ago, had been a peaceful and only slightly rusty machine fit for combat. Now the machine seemed to have been set to self-destruct with how much damage was being done.

"Why didn't I take up their offer and just let them leave? _Why?"_ Jonathan groaned.

" _Because you have an unhealthy obsession with strategy games?"_

The room slowly fell silent, and every occupant sans the South Birds grimaced as Cross' _very_ smug voice sounded around them.

"More gloating, Cross?" Jonathan groaned wearily.

" _Eh, part that, part status update,"_ Cross whistled innocently. " _First, Conis, Vivi, Su and Carue just raided the arsenal you had our gear in thanks to the solvent that Chopper provided for his bog-foam, sooo we've got_ our _weapons back, plus interest! Thanks again for so_ graciously _donating them to us. We appreciate your support!"_

 **-o-**

" **Alright, besides all the planning, there are a few other specific jobs we'll need to do." I pointed out a specific room that Robin had identified. "One of the harder parts of this is going to be retrieving our stuff and whatever Chopper's creation doesn't render unusable from this armory here, where they've stashed it all. Honestly, I think the** _ **really**_ **hard part is going to be carrying all of those Burn Bazookas back—"**

" **Actually, I don't think that should be too hard, Cross," Conis replied, smiling lightly. "After all, when I lifted Lassoo, he seemed reasonably light, and the Burn Bazookas are much less bulky. I think I could carry them myself."**

 **Lassoo gave the angel a bemused look. "Really? Because I've had some work done, and I know for a fact that I'm still upwards of a hundred pounds heavy. You must be freaki—SERIOUSLY!" the dog-weapon yipped in terror when he noticed Sanji glaring at him. "Y-You're seriously strong! T-Totally normal though, t-t-totally normal!"**

" **I'm with actually with Howlitzer here, Conis," Su interjected with some concern. "I know you had training, but could you lift that many bazookas back on Skypiea?"**

" **No, but after I used Lassoo to blow up the Straw Bridge, I remembered that I couldn't lift him back on Skypiea either," Conis replied, turning to Chopper. "More pressing things were going on at the time, but I am curious about how that happened. Is gravity weaker down here?"**

" **No, if anything, it's** _ **stronger**_ **," Chopper replied, tapping his chin thoughtfully before clicking his hooves together in a semblance of snapping his fingers. "Oh, but it might an inverse of what happened when we reached the White Sea. Just like we were weaker in the thin air, Conis's physiology is adapting to the increased air pressure and resulting in her body's musculature working on overdrive?"**

" **Huh," I nodded thoughtfully. "That makes sense, but how much stronger?"**

" **Well," Chopper stared upwards contemplatively. "Judging from the height difference and the resulting difference in air density, roughly—WHOA!"**

 **The reindeer cut off his explanation as Conis demonstrated her new strength by lifting me off the ground and clean above her head** _ **with one freaking hand**_ **, balancing me like a baton!**

"… **roughly… four times stronger than she was on Skypiea," Chopper finished weakly.**

" **Well, that and Cross is about as thin as a twig."**

" **HEY!" I barked at Zoro before grumbling darkly and crossing my arms. "So, anyways, I guess it'll be you going to get the stuff, along with Carue to actually transport itand Vivi for backup?"**

" **Sounds good to me," Vivi nodded in agreement, Carue quacking his consent as well.**

" **Perfect. Now, then… PUT ME DOWN ALREADY!"**

 **-o-**

 _THUNK!_

"Is this enough of my own medicine for your tastes, Drake?" Jonathan said, his voice muffled by the desk in the way.

"It _should_ be, but these Straw Hats are turning out to be more exasperating than you ever were," Drake groused.

" _Oh, yes, and one more thing. We're quite happy to have gotten our gold back, thank you for that."_

 **-o-**

 **I dusted myself off as Conis set me down. "Alright, so what else—?" My consideration faded quickly when I felt a conspicuous wave of killing intent from somewhere over my shoulder. "** _ **GOLD! RIGHT! GOT IT!"**_ **I yelped in a strangled tone of voice before sighing as the feeling abated.**

"HEHEHEH, _WHIPPED!_ _ **HAHA—hurk!"**_ **Soundbite's cackling died when the wave of menace suddenly renewed.**

" **So, Cross, you know** _ **where**_ **the gold is. Now,** _ **how**_ **are we going to get it without Jonathan stopping us?" Nami asked sweetly.**

" **Tone down the aura and let me** _ **think**_ **and I'll tell you," I pleaded desperately before sighing anew. "Alright, one way would be for you to ride in with your Waver with Luffy onboard, zap everyone, and then leave with the gold. But besides the fact that that was only 60% of what's actually in that office, your Waver's new design will support one person and nothing else." Frowning, I glanced back at her. "Speaking of which, where is it?"**

 **Nami jabbed her thumb over her shoulder. "I stashed it in a storeroom somewhere that way before I headed to the laundry room to try and get a disguise. I can go and get it in a few minutes, no problem."**

" **Perfect," I nodded happily before leaning over the map. I then snapped my fingers in realization as I got an idea and jabbed my finger on a specific point. "Alright, it'll be tight but I think I might have an idea. Here's what we'll do…"**

 **-o-**

All present snapped their eyes to the corner of the room, to the place that once held the Straw Hats' treasure… and still did. Jonathan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Either my stress levels have raised to the point of hallucination, or you're mistaken, Cross, because it looks like all ฿500 million worth of treasure is still right where it was when you last saw it."

" _Yeah, that's what I thought, I just needed to make sure that it_ was _still there first, so thanks a lot!_ NOW!"

 _SH-SHINK!_

Attention snapped back to the gold, where four different blades had sliced through the floor surrounding it.

The blades remained still for a moment before slicing clean through the stone, each one moving in a straight line and cutting a perfectly rectangular area out of the floor that entirely encompassed the treasure. The gold hung in place for a moment before dropping through the floor to the lower level. Before anyone recovered enough to head towards the hole, the floor was put back, sans treasure, and the sounds of rapid hammering echoed from below.

" _And now that we've taken what's rightfully ours, I believe it's time to go."_

" _THANKS for the_ **help,** _ **JONNY-BOY!"**_

 _Both_ of Jonathan's eyes were twitching at the display, and he slowly turned to the gobsmacked onlookers. " _Get. Them,"_ he bit out irritably. In no more than three seconds, the Marines composed themselves, saluted, and sped off, leaving only Jessica and the South Birds.

"Well, we have some business to take care of. We'll see you later, Jonathan," Isaiah stated, bowing to Jessica before flying out the window.

"REMEMBER TO ALWAYS ACT WITH _POWAAAAH!"_ Terry bellowed before following after him.

Jonathan sighed, mostly in relief, as the birds flew away to rejoin the Straw Hats. "I think those two may have grown on me a little too much over the last twenty-three and a half hours," he muttered before shaking his head and moving to his snail. Cross had come close, but Jonathan still had one last trump card up his sleeve, and it would serve to use up all the time the Straw Hats had left.

Two rings later, the receiver picked up. " _G-Gatehouse!"_ answered the Marine on the other end.

"Bare Navarone's fangs to catch the Straw Hats," Jonathan ordered calmly.

" _Uh… that's going to be a problem."_

Jonathan didn't so much grimace as he tried to obliterate the Marine on the other end with his gaze alone. "Why, exactly, is it going to be a problem?" he growled.

" _Uh, w-well sir, I'm afraid that if I say it you won't believe me…"_

" _TRY ME."_

" _W-Well, then, you see…"_

 **-o-**

" **Alright, now for the last and most critical part of my plan." I pointed at our navigator. "Nami, with the gold retrieval in capable hands, I have a special mission for you at the sea gate. I need you to storm the gatehouse. Or, at minimum, infiltrate and, you guessed it, sabotage."**

" **You want me to lock the gates open so we can sail out?" she guessed, though it was more a statement than a question.**

" **No," I crossed my arms in an X. "I want you to lock them** _ **shut."**_

 **Nami frowned. "And the benefit of that is…?"**

" **Stopping Jonathan's last trump card." I pointed at the bay on the map. "Do you think they converted this entire island into a base for shits and giggles? No, they maintained the geography like this for a** _ **reason:**_ **because whether it looks like it or not, Navarone is** _ **still**_ **a Grand Line island, meaning it has ways to screw with you like you wouldn't believe." I circled my finger in the map. "It's known as the Fangs of Navarone. See, the bottom of this island's bay? It's actually** _ **higher**_ **than sea level at low tide."**

 _ **That**_ **statement caused Nami to pale in realization. "That** **would mean…"**

" **Huh? What does that mean?" Luffy blinked in confusion.**

" **It means that whenever it's high tide and so long as the** _ **watertight**_ **Sea Gate is shut, then the bay is perfectly filled with water," I explained patiently. "But if the Gate is** _ **open**_ **during low tide, then the water flows out and away with the tide, leaving nothing but shallows that devour enemy ships without fail."**

" **Ooooh…" Luffy nodded in understanding. "So it's a mystery tide."**

 **I held up a hand to forestall Nami's reaction. "Mystery or not, it doesn't change the fact that it's** _ **deadly.**_ **The Fangs are Navarone's foolproof defense system. Once someone gets bitten, they go** _ **down."**_ **I slammed my fist on the map. "Let there be no mistake: stopping Jonathan from being able to unleash the Fangs against us is crucial to our escape… in more ways than one."**

 **Nami rolled her eyes. "Alright, you've obviously got some crazy idea in mind, but I'll go along with it for now. I'm pretty sure that I can sneak in and cause some damage."**

" **Good. Just make sure that the sea gate's controls are completely out of commission. Do whatever it takes."**

 **-o-**

"A lightning storm melted the control mechanisms," Jonathan repeated flatly. "An _indoor_ _lightning storm."_

" _Y-Y-Yes, Commander Jonathan, that's what happened,"_ the terrified grunt replied.

 _KEE-RACK!_

The snail flinched with a miserable grimace. " _Is. Is happening. It's, ah, it's still going on. I-I'm sorry, Vice Admiral, b-but we won't be opening the Gate any time soon."_

" _Pfhehehe…"_

Jonathan rammed his fist onto his desk when a wry chuckle floated through the air. " _Cross."_

" _Yeeeaaah, see, here's the thing, Vice Admiral,"_ the pirate explained casually. " _While Robin was undercover with you? She heard about your little trump card and while, quite honestly, we could circumvent being caught in it with ease by taking the aerial route you mentioned, the fact remains that we're_ trying _to avoid putting undue stress on Merry. So, in order to avoid getting bitten, we decided that it would be best to wire Navarone's jaws shut."_

" _ **SUCKS**_ **TO BE you,** HUH?"

Johnathan's nostrils flared furiously as he exercised every bit of will he had left to stay under control, thanks in no small part to Jessica being nearby. He slowly rose from his seat and strode to his office's window, where he watched a small fleet of battleships deploy from their docks and begin to give pursuit to the Going Merry.

"Congratulations, Cross: you have officially exhausted my patience," Jonathan announced frigidly. "You have three minutes until sunrise. Fail to escape my fortress before then, and I will handle you all myself."

 **DAYBREAK**

 **-3 Minutes Remain-**

I won't deny it, the ultimatum did send chills down my spine. But up until now, my battle of wits against Jonathan had gone about as well as I'd planned, and the endgame was going perfectly. We had all of our crewmates, gold, and supplies, the Going Merry was sailing towards the Sea Gate, and Jonathan's battleships were right behind us. All according to plan.

"Alright, Cross, spill it!" Sanji demanded. "What's the rest of your plan? How are we going to get out of here with the Sea Gate locked?!"

I grinned in response. "Just keep heading towards it as fast as we can."

 **-o-**

" **Alright, so everyone knows what to do?" I took in the sights of the various groups nodding, and smirked. "Excellent. If everything goes as planned, we'll be out of here just in time for the sunrise."**

" **Matching wits with Jonathan… well, let's hope that everything** _ **does**_ **go as planned, he's quite the formidable opponent," Robin remarked.**

" **Oh, yeah, who won that chess game, anyway?" I asked curiously. Robin merely smiled enigmatically in response.**

 **I frowned in dissatisfaction before shrugging with a sigh. "Well, fine, go ahead and be cryptic." I then stood at attention and looked at the crew one by one. "Anyways… you all know your objectives. Good luck, and dare I say… godspeed."**

 **DAYBREAK**

 **-2 Minutes Remain-**

As we neared the Sea Gate, the Marine battleships closed in on all sides, not even bothering to fire on us due to us having reached a dead end. We were cornered.

Then an amplified voice brought our attention to the top of G8, where Jonathan stared down at us. His voice was angry, but triumphant.

" _ **Jeremiah Cross, Straw Hat Luffy, and the rest of the Straw Hat Pirates. You have fought valiantly to escape from Navarone, bringing the forces of G-8 to its knees in the process. You've shown resourcefulness, cunning, and sheer power, and overcome every obstacle that we set in your path. You've proven that my challenging you was a grave mistake.**_

" _ **But this is where it ends. Your time has run out, and for the crime of piracy as well as the severe damage you have inflicted on this base, I will personally arrest every last one of you, and you will face Justice in Marineford."**_

I stared up at the Vice Admiral silently for a few seconds before glancing at Luffy. Once he nodded, I glanced at Soundbite.

"Gastro-Amp," I said, smirking wide. My next words echoed throughout the entire base.

 **DAYBREAK'S END**

 **-1 Minute Remains-**

"Vice Admiral Jonathan, you have proved to be a most worthy foe. You've pushed us to the brink, hit us with genius move after genius move… but the fact is that you just can't win. By my count, we still have one minute left, and that's all the time that we need. See, this whole time, we've been _playing_ you. We've made you focus on all the damage we've caused so that you haven't had a chance to grasp the bigger picture. We've kept you off-kilter so that you couldn't take in all the facts, and question the exact 'whys' of our moves. And most importantly… you've been paying attention to me more than anyone else, rather than the one who actually had the power to get us out of here. And that's the last weak point I have to point out. Remember well the reason you lost this game, because Eneru and many others have learned it the hard way before you, and one day… one day the _world_ will learn this lesson and never, _ever_ forget it: that no matter how smart, how strong, or how resourceful you are… _no one can defeat a D."_

I turned to Luffy as we finally reached Navarone's sole passage to the outside, my grin comparable to the Cheshire Cat's, and held up two fingers, as well as a third half-folded one. "Captain Luffy… _tear down this wall."_

Luffy blinked in confusion for a _second_ before grinning like a loon and nodding firmly. "RIGHT!" And with that, he took a deep breath and bit into his thumb. "BONE… BALLOON!"

I turned back around and pointed at Jonathan while Luffy's arm inflated behind me, pointing straight at him. "G-8's a beautiful base, Jonathan, truly a wonder." I smirked right in his ear. "And her Fangs are the most impressive part of all."

I paused as Luffy's massive arm shadowed the Merry… "GEAR TWO-POINT-FIVE!"

My grin became truly feral when Luffy's arm shot back, winding up for something _spectacular. "GUM-GUM!"_

"What say we wrench her jaw open so that she can show us those pearly whites?"

I had the _glorious_ privilege of seeing Jonathan pale in realization _just_ as Luffy's fist shot forwards.

" _GIANT PISTOL!"_

The Gate of G-8 was smashed into oblivion, allowing a burst of light to shine through in all its glory.

 **SUNRISE**

 **-TIME'S UP-**

The moment the Sea Gate was obliterated, the effect was instantaneous.

Without the manmade obstruction to hold them in any longer, the base's waters started rushing out to sea like bathwater down a drain, carrying our relatively small ship out with them. Navarone's battleships had no such luck, their size and distance from the Sea Gate ensuring that they had no chance to sail out before, with a symphony of crunching, Navarone's fangs ripped into their keels and most likely crippled them for good.

By the time Jonathan had managed to recover from the shock, we were out of the base's walls, and by no accident, every last one of the cannons with a chance of firing at us on our way out was completely disabled. As for the ships Jonathan had had stationed outside the base, they were caught completely unaware by the utter tidal wave of water that assailed them, one unlucky warship outright capsizing while the rest were too busy trying to avoid the same fate to stop us as we dropped our sails and made for open ocean.

Then… came the part where we had to grab Luffy as the drawback Gear Third—or Gear 2.5, as it were—kicked in, and Luffy would have gone flying from the air rocketing out of his mouth if I hadn't thought to grab him when he started deflating and kept him grounded. Once it was over and done with, I was left holding two and a half feet of giggling rubbery badass.

"What the…?" Chopper wondered.

"Drawback from that technique, he'll be back to normal in a few minutes," I explained, my eyebrow cocked at Luffy. "Also, just one attack? That's kinda…"

"Yeah, holding my breath is harder than it looks…" Luffy squeaked with his tongue stuck out childishly. "I just need more practice with 'em both and I'll be able to keep 'em going."

"Fair enough."

As we started to depart from the base, I couldn't help but look back. I could have let it end there, I could have… but really, given this opportunity, how could I resist?

I hastily poked Luffy and whispered to him. He immediately grinned and spread his arms wide. "Marines of G-8!" he bellowed in a high-pitched voice as Soundbite started belting out a certain theme. "You will always remember this day as the day you _almost_ caught Monkey D. Luffy and the Straw Hat Pirates!"

Once that was done, he glanced at me eagerly. "Did I say it right?"

"That…" I sniffed as I wiped a tear away from my eye. "Was _beautiful."_

"It would have been a lot better if he wasn't talking like _that_ , though," Zoro deadpanned.

"Eh, take it or leave it."

Within minutes, G-8 was starting to shrink in the distance.

"… _Well done, Straw Hat Pirates. You beat me at my own game,"_ Jonathan stated, his voice firm and actually rather respectful.

" **DON'T BOTHER** _ **replying.**_ _He just_ _ **WENT**_ OUT OF MY _RANGE,"_ Soundbite declared.

I nodded to that before flinching as I realized that in all the madness, I hadn't had the chance to pass on the knowledge of MI4… well, no big loss, I was sure I'd figure something out to pass it on to him. Maybe I could ask Tashigi to track down Coo.

"Well, now that that's done, we don't need our fail-safe anymore," I said. And so, without any preamble, I walked over to Luffy and stuck my hand into his pants before pulling out the deflated Balloon Octopus. Even Soundbite gaped at me as I grinned at the cephalopod.

"Thanks for all your help! Enjoy life down here in the Blue Seas! Oh, and if you can, try finding your way to the Octopus Shogunate. Tell Octavio we sent you, he's a friend!"

And with that, I dropped the octopus overboard, and turned back to the rest of the crew, who were staring at me in silence, an absolute kaleidoscope of emotions swirling over their faces.

The silence lasted until Isaiah clapped his wings together. "Right, that's it. We're out."

"Huh?" said several voices.

"AGREED! WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE BASE! THIS PLACE IS TOO INSANE FOR MY POWEEEEEER!" Terry declared, already flapping his wings and preparing to fly.

"Wait just a minute!" I said sharply, causing the birds to look at me. I looked over them both before nodding. "This actually makes things much easier. Can you wait long enough for me to write Jonathan a letter so you can deliver it to him? It's _extremely_ important."

The birds posed as if they were folding their arms, but thankfully, they nodded in agreement. It took me a few minutes to compose the letter, but once I did I started to hand it to Isaiah… before jerking it back with a grave stare. "This is for the sake of changing the world into something better. Watch Jonathan like hawks until he decides to call this number. I've told him to teach you two how to write so that you can communicate without Soundbite's help. The password is Old Spice, but Jonathan won't know that, he won't even know that there is a password. Keep it that way unless he seems sincere. Can I trust you two to take care of it?"

"We shall consider it our final order as members of this crew, and treat it with the respect that that deserves," Isaiah replied with a bow.

"THANK YOU FOR LETTING US SAIL WITH YOU!" Terry bellowed as he flexed his wings Superman-style. "GOODBYE!"

And with that, our two avian friends flapped their wings and took to the sky, flying back towards Navarone.

We watched them go for a few minutes until we got back into our usual routine. That is to say, Nami barked at us all to get to work and most all of us hopped to it, except for me. I _tried_ to surreptitiously sneak into the kitchen before I could be missed, but really, what chances did I have of escaping the all-seeing eye of the Navigator?

"And what exactly do you think you're doing, Cross? Don't even think about starting another SBS, you've been doing enough of that for the past few days!" Nami snapped.

I flinched and muttered something… decidedly unflattering beneath my breath before replying. "I need to call Tashigi and warn her about Jonathan," I said shortly.

Nami's anger faded into a discontented frown. "Fine. But you'd better be ready to help as soon as you're done," she said.

I nodded, shot her a few very specific hand gestures once her back was turned, and then entered the kitchen, taking a seat at the table before exchanging looks with Soundbite. "And I was hoping that we could finally start things off with Apoo," I groused.

" _Honestly,_ **any other day** _ **I'D AGREE,**_ " Soundbite bit out tiredly. " _BUT I'VE_ **been working** _ **overtime**_ FOR THE LAST 24 HOURS. _**I FEEL**_ _STRONGER from the_ **WORKOUT, but I'm** _exhausted. HENCE_ **the four words I NEVER THOUGHT I'D** _utter: I_ _**need a break…"**_

I winced as I realized just how hard Soundbite must have been working in G-8. "Ah… yeah, sorry about that, Soundbite, should have realized… uh, would you be alright with handling a call to MI4 before you get some rest?"

The snail shook his head blearily for a second before nodding. " _Yeah… yeah,_ **I can manage** _ **THAT.**_ JUST TELL _**her to**_ **KEEP HER VOICE** _DOWN."_

I nodded, and dialed the number. And three rings later…

" _Pisces,"_ mumbled a muffled voice on the other end.

"…What?" I asked.

The snail winced. " _Ugh, sorry, force of habit. Good timing though, Cross. What can you tell me about the Barto Club?"_ Tashigi asked without preamble.

I blinked at the apparent non sequitur. "Uh… why do you ask?"

" _Because Hina wound up in a dinner party with them during your last broadcast."_

"…wow. Kudos to you, _you've_ managed to make _me_ speechless," I finally managed to say. "Alright, I'll bite: how did _that_ happen?"

" _Well, they were about to attack each other when the snail rang, and both of them agreed on a truce. As the show went on, they started exchanging food…"_

 **-FLASHBACK-**

" _Now, the question is, where have we—…Oh,_ fuck me _._ "

All of the listeners looked up from what they were doing at Cross' abrupt swearing.

" _Ah, viewers, I'm really sorry to cut you all off like this, but something's come up aaaaaand I'm-gonna-have-to-call-you-back-BYE!"_

And just like that, the snail fell asleep.

"…What was that about?" Mr. 5 wondered.

"My guess is they wound up in the middle of either a pirate's hideout or a Marine base," Jango deadpanned.

"I wouldn't be surprised, that does seem like something that would happen to them," Apis nodded sagely before freezing and looking around hesitantly. "But… now that the SBS is over… is the truce over, too?"

At that, all present stiffened, the boundaries of friend and foe thoroughly re-established. But before anyone could make a move…

"STAND DOWN, EVERYONE!"

The authority of Hina's yell froze all of the Marines on deck, while the suddenness did the same to the pirates. She then turned towards Bartolomeo, who was staring at her with a curious but guarded expression. Hina pondered over the choice of action in her mind, but if the truce had shown anything, it was that it was at least worth a shot.

"Give me the number for your Transponder Snail, and I'll let you go this time," Hina said quietly.

"Oh?" Bartolomeo leered, displaying his most likely fishman-descended dentition in a crass grin. "You wanna see more of me?"

"Hmph," Hina sniffed imperiously. "Not particularly, but for a pirate, you seem reliable enough that Hina would like to have you on call."

Bartolomeo blinked in surprise before shrugging indifferently and scrawling out the number. One quick check for any 'parting gifts' left by over-enthusiastic crewmates on both ships later, the Barto Club reboarded the _Cannibal_ and left. The moment they were out of range, Hina looked back at her troops. "Unless I say otherwise, we never saw them."

"Yes, ma'am!" came the resounding response.

Hina nodded before sweeping back towards her office, flanked by her left-and-right hand men. "Tell the men to get us on a heading for Base G-2 on Bawean. I want us there within a week, maximum."

"At once, ma'am," Jango nodded firmly and split off to relay her orders.

Once she reached the door to her quarters, Hina gave Fullbody a stern look. "Hina needs some time to contemplate recent developments. Under nothing less than the direst of circumstances am I to be disturbed, understood?"

Fullbody cocked an eyebrow curiously. "Matters of Marine Integrity, I take it?"

"Precisely."

"Very well, then, ma'am." Fullbody wheeled about and promptly took up a guard position before the door.

Hina prepared to close it before pausing as a thought occurred to her. "Hmm… now that Hina thinks about it… wasn't your last assignment before you were demoted to transport a prisoner named Gin, like that First Mate of Black Bart's?"

Fullbody's reaction was for his every muscle to lock up, an ashen-gray tone coloring his face. "I am completely and utterly certain that I have no memories whatsoever of whatever it is you're referencing, Captain…" he groaned in a sickly voice.

Hina gave him a flat stare. "You had Jango suppress those memories, didn't you."

"I am completely and utterly certain—"

"At ease, soldier."

" _Thank you,_ Captain…" Fullbody sagged in relief.

With a final shake of her head, Hina closed the office door and sealed it, both traditionally and personally. Once the room was secure, she dug her private snail out of the hidden compartment in her desk where she'd stashed it and dialed a specific number. Two rings later, the recipient picked up.

" _Pisces,"_ came Tashigi's warped voice on the other end.

"Capricorn," Hina replied. "Tashigi, Cross is obviously in a bad situation right now, but as soon as he calls you again or ends his next broadcast, ask him what he knows about the Barto Club. I'm considering that perhaps MI4 could benefit from employing… unconventional allies…"

 **-END FLASHBACK-**

"… _so, yeah. You think it's a good idea?"_

It took me a few moments before I could get my thoughts together at hearing what Hina had in mind, at which point I started unconsciously scratching my chin. "I… well, Bartolomeo is a juvenile and sadistic mafia boss-turned-pirate that loves nothing more than taunting his opponents, so I don't know where on the moral line he stands. But there's one little detail that ensures that he's still perfect material for an ally, and that's that ever since he witnessed Luffy's would-be execution in Loguetown, he's _worshipped_ him, and by extension his crew, i.e. _us_. So…" I shrugged helplessly. "I dunno? Chances are that it should be easy to talk him into this if you name-dropped us, but he's still his own guy and he lives to troll, so no guarantees."

" _I see…"_ Tashigi mused before nodding. " _Well, it's not like we haven't taken risks before. Alright, I'll let Hina know; expect a conference call at some point soon. Are any of his crewmates going to be a problem? Most of them seemed like common thugs, but there were five people who stood out. Three of them were the ex-Baroque Works Officer Agents Mr. 5, Miss Valentine, and Miss Goldenweek, who apparently joined up after laying low in Alabasta proved impossible due to the country going Revolutionary. There was also a man named Gin, who Hina suspected was once part of Don Krieg's crew, and a girl named Apis riding, if you can believe this, a_ dragon… _which, actually, considering how this is the Grand Line, isn't really all that hard to believe._ "

It took me a minute to process all of that; I hadn't expected Bartolomeo going out to sea this early to have consequences like _this._ Never mind the fact that the whole Millennial Dragon thing actually went down!

"OK…" I started counting down on my fingers as I scrounged up what intel I could. "First things first. Yes, Gin used to be Don Krieg's strongest subordinate, but after Sanji showed him mercy and saved his life, Krieg double-crossed him for returning the favor. Luffy and Sanji would probably consider him a friend. Apis… I don't think she had any fighting skills of her own, but she ate the Whisper-Whisper Fruit, which lets her telepathically communicate with animals. Still, she should be just as easy to make friends with, I think. Those Officer Agents, though…" I thought it over for a second before shrugging. "Well, Mr. 4 and Miss Merry Christmas were professional enough, so maybe there's hope there, plus it's not like they're the only ones to come off that particular ship… meh, screw it. If they can agree to let bygones be bygones, the only person who I can imagine protesting would be Vivi, and she's already well on her way to forgiving Robin, so I'm optimistic."

" _Alright, I'll pass all of that on to Hina,"_ Tashigi acknowledged thankfully. " _Now, why were you calling me?"_

"Oh, right," I said, facepalming. "Sorry, I just got a bit blindsided is all. Tashigi, you remember that Vice Admiral that I thought my crew might end up crossing paths with before you were done? Well, we just did: Vice Admiral Jonathan of the G-8 branch, or Navarone if you prefer."

" _J-JONATHAN?"_ I reeled in shock at the sudden panicked spike in volume. " _ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR ADRENALINE-ADDLED MIND!? HE'S ONE OF—"_

"Hey, keep your voice down, Tashigi!" I said hastily. "Soundbite's exhausted, he was working nonstop since our last broadcast to help us escape from Navarone. I'm already straining him by having him call you."

The snail bit his lip, and took a couple of deep breaths before continuing in a furious but quiet tone. " _He's one of Akainu's favorite students! In what_ possible _world could_ he _be_ _a good candidate?!"_

"The same world where he made the grave mistake of agreeing to play a survival game with the Straw Hat Pirates to give them a chance to escape from his fortress. Let's just say that while we escaped unscathed, he'll have his hands full with repairs for the next few days… or weeks… or months," I replied, and neither Soundbite nor I were able to keep from grinning maliciously.

"… _damn you, Cross, I should_ not _be finding that funny!"_ Tashigi snorted with ill-repressed humor before hastily sobering up. " _B-But still, Cross, this is_ serious. _I cannot put enough emphasis on the fact that the man you are electing for a position in MI4 is Akainu's_ student. _Considering how much you know, you should be fully aware of just how legitimately_ horrible _of an idea that is!"_

I frowned firmly. "And not to beat a horse to death, Tashigi, but to reiterate my previous point from a few nights ago, when was the last time I was wrong?" The ensuing silence was telling. "Yeah. I'm not saying I'm infallible, I can make mistakes, but I'm pretty confident that my track record thus far speaks for itself. Anyway, it's already _done._ I've already passed on the contact information for your snail, so be ready for his call. And don't worry," I held up my hand to forestall her protests, despite how redundant of a move it was considering the means of communication. "I didn't just do this on a whim. I do have a foolproof plan in case of the, in my opinion, _highly_ unlikely event that he'll try to sell us out…"

 **-o-**

"Would you care to enlighten me as to exactly _why_ you let the Straw Hats run wild in Navarone, considering the results?" Jessica bit out, gesturing at the general bedlam and ruin around them from Jonathan's balcony.

"Cross promised to pressure-test the base and show how much of an asset it was for the Marine Corps," Jonathan replied.

"Well, it looks like all he did was exploit every last one of our weak spots to turn the entire island against us!" Drake growled, pacing about agitatedly. "When Marineford gets wind of this, they'll shut the base down for sure! This 'game' of yours—!"

"Had the desired result."

Jessica and Drake stopped short. "How can you say that?"

"This was the most devastating and stressful battle that Navarone has ever been through," Jonathan summarized matter-of-factly. "The Straw Hat Pirates pointed out all of our weak spots and then turned them against us. And despite all of that, our best efforts came within one shot of defeating them. After going through months of peace before a full day of war, we came within an inch of capturing or sinking the infamous Straw Hat Pirates."

He then grinned. "And our base has never been in a better position for growing stronger. Just as they did in the last 24 hours in order to try and capture the Straw Hats, all of our soldiers will come together to repair the damage. We'll put precautions in place to remedy our weak spots, and as a result we will come back stronger than ever from dealing with one of, if not undoubtedly _the_ most insane crew of this generation. After showing how strong we are even after all this time, there's no way they'll be able to justify shutting us down."

Jessica's eyes brimmed with tears, and she smiled before embracing her husband warmly, with Drake looking on with an exasperated, but nonetheless fond, smile.

"You're right, darling."

The two maintained their embrace for several more seconds, before an unfamiliar but unmistakable sound reached their ears.

" _Cho!"_

"Oh, no," Jonathan moaned, looking up from embracing his wife to see that the South Birds were flying back towards him; he barely noticed Drake beating a hasty retreat out of the corner of his eye. They perched on the railing, and one of them bent his beak forward to place a rolled-up piece of paper on the table. Raising his eyebrows, Jonathan took the paper and opened it, with Jessica reading the message within over his shoulder.

 _To Vice Admiral Jonathan, and all of those loyal to him:_

 _First things first: Robin suggested that to compensate for the damages done to your base, you put in a report saying that Special Inspector Major Shepherd cooperated with the Straw Hat Pirates, dealing significant property damage in an attempt to show the incompetency of this base and shut it down. After all, that's what happened, no? At the bare minimum, that should reimburse you, and the fact that you almost managed to beat us should be enough to reassure HQ that you're worth keeping around._

 _Now, on to more serious matters. Here's a question for you: what's the difference between a good Marine and a decent Marine? The answer: good Marines follow their orders to the letter, and sacrifice everything for the sake of Justice, while decent Marines sacrifice everything for the sake of all…_ even _Justice, if it comes down to it. It's clear which is the better of the two, yes? All things considered, however, the Navy today is predominantly filled with good Marines. You and I both know that. I happen to believe that you're one of the decent Marines, and I now know with perfect certainty that you have not only the intelligence but also the bravery to defend that fact._

 _And that is why I'm trusting you with one of my most well-guarded secrets: there exists within the Navy an organization composed purely of decent Marines who have put their lives on the line to begin changing the Navy to what it should be, destroying the corruption from the ground up. They have no affiliation with the Revolutionary Army, and their numbers are small, but growing. I—and by extension, my crew—have served as an informant for the organization from the moment of its founding to help with that growth._

 _This letter and the knowledge within are an invitation for you to become a leader in this organization. If you choose to stake everything on being a decent Marine, call the following number where, in all likelihood, you'll have to reveal your secret. And if you don't… well, if you're not willing to stake your all, then why did you join the Marines in the first place?_

 _I hope to hear good things about you, Jonathan._

 _252-287-677_

 _Jeremiah Cross_

 _P.S. Unable to cope with our day-to-day insanity any longer, Terry and Isaiah have decided to stay with you. As they can no longer speak, I highly recommend teaching them how to write, and if possible, getting them in contact with News Coo number 1851. Mention my name to him, and he'll be willing to help._

Jonathan stared impassively at the note, any traces of amusement, dread, or irritation gone as he considered the gravity of what was written in the letter; he barely even acknowledged the postscript and the difficulty that would come from it. He turned to Jessica, who was staring at the note with wide eyes.

"…I suppose now I know what Cross meant when he said that there were people who were going to love to hear my secret," Jonathan finally said. He started to set the note down when Jessica stopped him.

"Hang on, there's something on the other side."

Jonathan blinked and turned it over, confirming that, yes, there was a little more.

 _P.P.S. Just wanted to let you know that, personally? I'm really glad we came to Navarone. Why, you ask? Because this was the first true test of my skills as a tactician I've had to face… and quite honestly? This marks the absolute_ first _time a plan of mine has gone off without so much as a single hitch._

 _So, thank you, Vice Admiral Jonathan._

 _Thank you for helping to make me more capable of helping my crew in the future._

Jonathan read the post-post-scriptum a few times, just to confirm that what he was reading was real.

Once he was certain that yes, he _had_ just read that, he found that there was only one thing he could do.

Vice Admiral Jonathan sat in his chair, hands folded before him, and without so much as a second's hesitation before his men, his wife, and God himself…

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

He threw his head back and _laughed._

 **-o-**

"…So, yeah. The password is 'Old Spice'; if he doesn't know to say that and you don't hear South Birds on the other end giving him the password, just hang up. But I have no doubt that he'll come around eventually, and with him the entirety of G-8."

"… _Alright, Cross, I'm impressed,"_ Tashigi admitted. " _If this actually works, I think you'll have done more for MI4 than we have. But if this does fail, and he decides to tell Akainu—!"_

"He won't, Tashigi," I cut in sharply. "If you need reassurance that badly, then here it is: while I was in that fortress, I got my hands on Buster Call-grade blackmail material for Jonathan, and he knows it. He'll have no choice but to sit on the knowledge if he doesn't decide to join."

Tashigi was silent for a minute. "… _You're sure, Cross?"_ she asked at last.

"Positive," I replied firmly.

" _Alright, I'll trust you on this, but I'm passing on the warning to the other three."_

"Of course, of course. By the way, what was that about when you picked up? You said pieces, or something."

" _Oh, right,"_ she said, brightening up some. " _Well, T-Bone came up with the idea, just a measure of added security, for all of us to use code names. Hina suggested Cancer for Commodore Smoker, and—"_

"PFHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that's just sad, clichéd, hilarious _and_ genius all in one package," I snickered.

" _Heh, yes, we all did think it_ was _funny, but Smoker seemed alright with the name. So, yeah, we decided to take the other names from the Zodiac, too. I'm Pisces, Hina is Capricorn, and T-Bone is Scorpio. We were thinking you could take the codename Ophiuchus."_

I blinked thoughtfully as I contemplated that. "Huh… the unofficial 13th Zodiac… eh, what the hell, I'm as slippery as a snake anyways and it sounds cool. I'll take it."

"ARE YOU DONE YET, CROSS?" came Nami's voice from outside. I winced and glanced at the door, then back at Soundbite.

"Uh, anything else, Tashigi?" I asked hastily.

" _Not unless you have any other pirate crews to recommend,"_ she replied.

I rolled my eyes with a groan. "ALMOST, NAMI!" I called, and then I racked my brains for any other decent pirates. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of many that were in Paradise. "Sorry, but at present, most of the crews that come to mind are 'maybes' at best. The only definite 'yes' I can think of is the Saruyama Alliance, composed of the Masira Pirates, the Shoujou Pirates, and Montblanc Cricket, and no offense to them but they themselves aren't really 'pirate' pirates per se, sooo…" I waved my hand side to side. "Well, I don't think I need to explain why I'm sure about them, but that's all I've got for now."

Tashigi frowned in dissatisfaction before sighing in defeat. " _Well, at least that's one more group than we had before, so thanks. I'll let you get back to your crew. Good luck in your travels, Ophiuchus."_

"Same to you." I allowed a cheeky grin to spread across my face. " _Fish-stick."_

Tashigi 'stared' at me flatly for a moment before sighing in defeat. " _I don't know what I was expecting…"_ And with a final KA-LICK, Soundbite sagged in relief.

I grinned warmly as I patted his shell. "You go ahead and catch some sleep, little buddy, you've more than earned it."

The snail smiled tiredly before retreating into his shell. I set down the bag with the transceiver before heading back outside, and coming face-to-face with an impatient-looking Nami. "The work is all done now. You'll be pulling double duty the next time a storm blows in. And where's Soundbite?"

"Think a little harder about the last 24 hours," I replied. Nami frowned more deeply before a look of understanding came in her eyes, and she sighed.

"Alright, fair enough. Let's just hope—" She snapped her mouth shut and shook her head fiercely. "Nope, not saying it, not giving the universe that kind of an opening."

 _SPLASH!_ " _GROOOAAAR!"_

I gave the Sea King that was towering over the Merry an eager grin. "It would appear that the universe does not give a flying fuck. Goodie!"

"LESS SNARKING, MORE GETTING US THE HELL OUT OF HERE, YOU DAMN JUNKIE!"

"RIGHT AWAY, NAMI-SWAN!"

"Kiss-ass."

"GO FALL OVERBOARD, MOSSHEAD!"

"YOU FIRST, SWIRLYBROW!"

"FIGHT THE SEA KING, NOT EACH OTHER!"

" _Ooh,_ _ **target practice! AND A TEST SUBJECT TO BOOT!"**_

" _Arf arf—ARF?!"_

"Sorry, everyone, Soundbite burned himself out with everything that happened in Navarone. It'll be a little while before you can talk again. In the meantime, Chopper can translate if necessary."

" **The skull bone's connected to the spinal column, the spinal column's connected to the** _ **EVERYTHING…"**_

"Oooor not, as it were…"

"Somebody hit him before he starts experimenting on us next!"

"I wouldn't worry, Usopp; I'm sure he won't experiment on us."

"R-Really, Robin?"

"Of course. Considering the size of that Sea King, I estimate it will take him several hours to exhaust the sheer amount of resources it can offer him."

"THAT'S NOT REASSURING!"

"SHISHISHI!" Luffy laughed eagerly. "IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK!"

And honestly?

It was. It really, really was.

 **-o-**

A day later, the difficulties of Navarone were all but behind us. Despite the typical noise onboard, it took a little while for us to get used to Terry and Isaiah's absence. Fortunately (depending on how you defined it), we had plenty of other things to occupy our time and attention from the time we left, encompassing the next couple of weeks as we followed the Log Pose towards our next destination. From the typical and unsurprising…

 **-o-**

"Nami! Get up here!" I yelled, pounding on the door to the storage room as the wind, waves, and wightning (as Carue put it) raged all around us..

"No! I'm busy polishing my gold!" she yelled back from within.

"Nami, we are in the middle of a fucking storm! _If you don't get up here, you'll lose all that gold!"_ I bellowed.

"…" Silence echoed from within, and I facepalmed as I made a mental note to have Chopper do something.

" _FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,_ _**WOMAN,**_ **IT IS NOT WORTH IT!"** Soundbite roared.

"That's it. You're getting therapy from Chopper, end of story!" I concurred.

"Not before you—!"

"Gastro-Amp," I snarled before shouting over the storm. " _MY_ OBSESSION HASN'T ENDANGERED ANY OF US! _YOURS_ HAS YOU _ACTIVELY CONSIDERING LETTING US ALL SINK!"_

"WHAT!?" Nami slammed the door to the storeroom open and glared bloody murder at me. "Cross, I'll admit that I'm obsessed, but there is no way in _hell_ that I would allow it to get to the point where it compromised my integrity as a navigator! The only reason I'm not bothering to coordinate you seaweed brains is because the storm is going to blow over soon!"

I glanced up at the absolutely _murderous_ clouds looming over us. "Are you out of your—!?"

"Three, two…" Nami ticked off her fingers.

Aaand there it was: clear skies, just like that.

"And _there,"_ Nami nodded firmly. "Now, unless there's anything else?"

I stared up at the sky before slowly looking back at her. "My objections appeared to have become defunct."

"Perfect. So, if you'll excuse me, I have a romantic candlelight dinner to get back to." And with that, she slammed the door shut.

I spared the mere _thought_ of whatever the hell she could be doing in there a shudder of revulsion before walking off, weathering Sanji's cries of how brilliant Nami-swan was. As I did so, I passed Robin, who looked like she had swallowed a lemon.

"You peeked?" I said flatly.

"My kingdom for a way to wipe my memory…" she said, shuddering.

 **-o-**

…To the mildly expected and nearly forgotten (no pun intended)…

 **-o-**

"I! HATE! AMNESIA! EPISODES!" I grit out viciously, emphasizing each word by ramming a highly bruised seahorse's head into a nearby tree. "NOW! GIVE! US! BACK! OUR! MEMORIES! AND! _SCREW OFF!"_ I capped it all off with an overhead swing that gave the tree a nasty split.

As blue mist leaked out of its mouth, the emaciated would-be dragon looked worse than Luffy after Zoro, Sanji, Nami, _and_ Chopper ganging up on him. He lay on the ground, tears leaking out of his eyes.

"I just want to be a Millennial Dragon," it moaned.

"You're in the wrong fucking ocean, dumbass," I snarled before looking back at the kid it used as its puppet, who was currently cowering against a tree. "Everyone should have their memories back now. Just make sure that _this,"_ I gave the seahorse a punt for good measure. "Never comes within range of this island again. Got it?"

The boy swallowed and nodded before tentatively stepping back, then running away as fast as he could.

I watched him for a second before turning a stink-eye on Robin, who held up her hands in a conciliatory manner.

"In my defense," she said. "It didn't take _my_ memories."

"…I'm still blaming you for this," I grumbled.

"Cross!" Vivi rushed up to me, her eyes full of concern. "I am _so_ sorry, I-I-I—!"

"It's fine, it's fine..." I waved her off as I finally took the time to pinch my profusely bleeding nose shut. "But for the record? Your alter-ego is a raving _bitch."_

"That… was kind of the point," Vivi admitted sheepishly.

 **-o-**

…To the completely unexpected yet utterly mundane.

 **-o-**

"Alright, Usopp," I muttered as I knelt on the deck, balancing Lassoo on my shoulder. "Hold very, very, _very_ still…"

Usopp ignored me in favor of quivering like a leaf as he stared down the dog-gun's barrel in terror, which was in turn causing the apple on his head to wobble uncontrollably. "I-I-I-Isn't there _any_ other way you could practice your aim with that mutt!?" he whimpered in terror.

"Mmm…" Soundbite and I exchanged glances before grinning malevolently. " _Nope!"_ we chorused before I scrunched my eye shut. "Now whatever you do… don't mo—"

" _AAAAAAARGH!"_

"HOLY!" I yelped in shock when a scream of mortal terror suddenly rang through the air, causing me to squeeze Lassoo's trigger on impulse.

 _BOOM!_

"GAH!" Usopp screamed, only just managing to dive to the deck as the ballistic baseball shot through where his head had been moments earlier. "ARE YOU INSANE!? YOU ALMOST TOOK MY HEAD OFF!"

"Blame whoever screamed just now," I retorted with a roll of my eyes. "And besides, what the hell are you worried about? You tanked plenty of Lassoo's balls back in Alabasta and came out… relatively alright?"

"I ALMOST DIED! AND BESIDES, I ONLY TANKED THE EXPLOSIONS, _NOT THE ACTUAL PROJECTILES!"_

"Ah... fair enough," I conceded before putting up a hopeful finger. "But hey, look on the bright side: if you had lost your head, I'm sure that Chopper could have reattached it for you?"

It was at that moment that the trapdoor to the men's room popped open, disgorging a plume of off-color smoke and a madly grinning human-reindeer. " _ **You raaaaang?"**_

We stared at him silently for a second before Usopp slowly turned a vicious glare on me. "When I die… I swear that I will _haunt you."_

"Sorry, that role is reserved for someone else we'll be meeting later," I replied cheekily before looking at my shoulder. "Anyway, who screamed and why?"

" _ **SANJI**_ _,_ **but I didn't hear** _ANY_ FIRES _OR_ _ **knives, and**_ **NOBODY ELSE IS** _ **in there**_ **except** _Conis,"_ the snail replied.

" _ **Iiiinteres-—"**_

 _THWACK!_

"OW!…thank you, Cross." Chopper winced and rubbed where I'd slammed the trapdoor on his head. "But seriously, we should probably check on him."

With that, we all walked towards the kitchen, where most everyone else was already gathered. The sight that met our eyes was… well, interesting, to say the least.

Sanji was on the floor, pale and passed out. And the cause? Conis, who was sitting at the table, looking at him with an expression that was both unnerved and concerned and wearing—

I blinked in surprise. "Are those my cargo pants? _And_ my aviator jacket?"

"Huh?" Conis looked at me in surprise before smiling and fingering the furred collar of the jacket. "Oh, yeah, apparently we're approximately the same size. Do you mind?"

"Uh… not… really?" I hedged in confusion. "But why are you wearing my… I mean, did Nami, Robin, and Vivi not have any clothes to spare?"

"Oh, they did," Conis said, shrugging. "But when I tried them on, I found that compared to the disguise I put on back in Navarone, they were, well…" Conis spun her hand for a second before sighing helplessly. "Well, look: back in Skypiea, there really wasn't much diversity in fashion. The most differences there were were in patterns and colors and whatnot, but apart from that, all anyone apart from White Berets wore were those same garments. I enjoyed trying on the different outfits that Vivi and Laki showed me, but… the Marine uniform was just a lot more, well…"

She spread her arms with a grin. "Liberating! So, I decided to try some different clothes and I found that yours worked quite well!" She grinned for a few seconds longer before smiling sheepishly. "Is… Is that going to be a problem? Sanji seems to think so…"

I processed what she said before shrugging. "Nah, that's just Sanji. Personally, I think that's a good look for you! We'll just have to get you a new wardrobe once we reach the next civilized island, is all."

Conis smiled beatifically. "Th-Thank you! You have no idea how much this means to me!"

"I suppose we should have expected her to be a tomboy, considering her role on the crew," Robin remarked as Chopper went to work rousing Sanji.

"Still surprising, based on what we already knew about her," I pointed out. "Seriously, she did not give off tomboy vibes when we first met her."

"No, Conis, darling, why?!" Sanji suddenly shouted as he shot upright, his voice anguished. "At least go with the short-tank look!

"Ergh…" Nami ground the heel of her palm into her forehead.

"Pardon me," Raphey snarled as she grabbed Sanji by his collar and started dragging him out of the kitchen. "I need to spend the next ten minutes brutally educating this idiot on everything _wrong_ with what he just said."

The rest of the crew stared after her uncomfortably.

"Shooould we stawp her?" Carue asked.

"Depends," Su yawned. "Do you want to get your beak lodged in your own brain?"

"No?"

"Then no."

 **-o-**

And, of course, it wouldn't be the Grand Line without the sea throwing something unexpected _and_ bizarre at us. Something... _unspeakable._

 **-o-**

"HALT, EVILDOERS!"

"I swear to Ammit, if this is anything like those Bleeding Heart jackasses…" Vivi grumbled as she stalked over to the side. We watched with mild interest as she peered over the railing, interest that turned into panicked concern when she suddenly coughed up blood and slumped over.

"VIVI!" we all shouted, standing and rushing to her side.

"DEAR PRINCESS!" Sanji yelled, twirling there ahead of us and grabbing her by the torso.

"N-No…" she groaned, her twitching arm raised to try and ward us off. "S-Save yourselves…"

Of course, we ignored her, Chopper joining Sanji at her side and the rest of us crowding the railing to try and see what had caused this. And when we did…

"Oh, my…" Robin breathed, her eyes wide as saucers.

The rest of us didn't answer, too busy gaping in utter shock at the sight before us. I'll spare you readers the details; suffice to say, the man in the dinghy below us would have looked absolutely at home in a bodybuilding competition. Well, aside from the frilly magical girl outfit he was wearing, complete with the toy-like wand— _which wasn't resized in the least_.

"I AM MAGICAL GIRL INFERNO ANIKI!" he announced. "AND YOU PIRATES, FOR DISTURBING THE PEACE OF THE SEAS, SHALL BE PUNISHED!"

And with that, he struck a pose, the sunlight glinting off his exposed muscles.

 _B-B-B-BOOM!_

For all of three seconds before a series of explosions decimated his boat.

"FOUL!" he shouted as he spun through the air before disappearing in a twinkle in the sky.

"I'm sorry if any of you would have preferred to do that, but personally, I reached my lifetime quota for the _wrong_ kind of transvestites with Mr. 2," Lassoo grumbled morosely, stalking away from the edge of the boat with an air of annoyance.

"At least Bentham wasn't _nearly_ that bad…" I groaned.

"Ugh… hey, Chopper, do you think you could apply some bleach to my brain to get rid of that image?" Zoro groused.

"I've been working on a formula since we met the Saruyama Alliance. Unless anyone has any objections, I'll dump the working prototype in tonight's dinner." Chopper shuddered. "Granted, we'll all have blood coming out of our ears for a week, but I think that's a small price to pay."

"AGREED," the rest of the crew concurred.

"Ah, you don't need any of that!" Luffy said dismissively. "All I need to do is concentrate for a second and…"

We watched in concern as Luffy stared vacantly out into the distance.

"Uh, Luffy?" Nami asked after a few minutes.

"Oh, hey, Nami!" our captain replied. "What're we doing by the railing?" He glanced at Vivi, and his eyes bugged out. "Ah! Vivi, what happened to you?!"

We stared at the captain for a few seconds before sighing despondently. "I never thought I'd say this, but I envy Luffy's brain right now," Usopp groaned.

"You, me, and everyone else in the world with half a braincell…" I concurred grimly before clapping my hands together. "For now, though… vow of silence?"

"Vow of silence," everyone else repeated.

 **-o-**

And, of course, I took the time to throw out an SBS or two. Considering how often I'd been doing it, I elected to limit it to only once every couple of days. And the subjects thereof? Well, it seemed like I hadn't done enough of talking about the crew itself, and if Navarone showed anything, it was that common interests had a way of making allies.

 **-o-**

Boa Hancock listened to the snail with a neutral expression as it spoke in a feminine voice.

" _One of the old sayings of my family is this. A king must not give into anger. But, should you find your anger to great to contain, you must ensure it is three things. Your anger must be cold; your anger must be controlled; and your anger must be_ _ **legendary**_ _."_

Hancock and her sisters nodded in approval. Then the speaker on the other end chuckled sheepishly.

" _But I have to admit, I'm still working on one of those three facets, but—"_

" _PUWW ME UP, YOU MOWONS! GET ME OFFA THIS FISHING POLE!"_ came a somewhat far-off voice, followed by a growl.

" _Those idiots, how many times do I have to tell them…"_ Vivi snarled, her voice becoming quieter as she stomped away before suddenly spiking. " _GET HIM OFF OF THERE RIGHT NOW BEFORE I RIP YOUR HEADS OFF YOUR NECKS!"_

" _Make that_ two _facets…"_ Cross deadpanned.

Boa Hancock had learned the story of why Nefertari Vivi was sailing with the Straw Hats from Nyon when she delivered the snail, touching on the previous SBS broadcasts. Hearing her tale, Hancock couldn't help but feel some sympathy towards her, knowing better than anyone the cruelty of the World Government, and therefore the fate she was doomed to were she to be captured. And it was due to that, more than anything, that she did not take offense to her lectures on how royalty should act, much of which was contrary to her own actions.

Indeed, hearing what happened on the SBS was eye-opening for the Snake Princess.

"Sisters? I've decided that I will attempt to emulate Princess Nefertari Vivi in my rule from now on," she stated calmly, causing the two serpent-hybrids to look at her in equal parts incredulity and hope.

"R-Really, sister?" Marigold asked.

"I don't believe it, is this really happening?" Sandersonia clasped her hands reverentially.

"Yes," Hancock said, rising to her feet with her finger pointed in the air. "It is clear that until now, my fury has been substandard and my temper deplorably restrained! Henceforth, I, Boa Hancock, will strive to refine my rage to the point where it matches the force of a volcano, and the fury of a hurricane! If you will excuse me!" She started marching forwards. "I must practice."

With that, Hancock strode out of the throne room, leaving her sisters to remain frozen in horror as their worlds crumbled around them. Seconds later, a rather high-pitched ' _yipe!'_ reached their ears.

"Sister, could I recommend also being kinder to the animals? Princess Nefertari did lecture about abusing one's power," Sandersonia called after her hopefully.

"Hmph. I've never gone out of my way to cause pain to these mongrels; it's _hardly_ my fault that they're so foolish as to get in my way, is it?"

"She's hopeless," the two younger sisters murmured as they hung their heads despondently.

 **-o-**

And so it went. We sailed on and on for weeks, enjoying a number of misadventures and escapades, each more daring and unique than the last.

It was... absolutely incredible.

Until one day, on a day like any other... it happened.

There was no warning, no chance to prepare, not even a _hint_ of what was to occur.

One second we were sailing along peacefully, not so much as a hint of trouble in sight...

 _SPLASH!_

The next we were surrounded by a trio of massive, _literal_ Sea Monkeys.

I frowned grimly as Luffy made faces at the giggling Sea Kings, gripping the brim of my hat and tilting it down solemnly in order to hide a sidelong glance at Robin.

"Here we go…"

 **Patient AN: For all of those wondering how we managed to pull off three updates in two days, let me ask you something: did any of you** _ **actually think**_ **that Ego and I were just sitting around writing nothing while Superego was on vacation? For the sole purpose of pulling off this** _ **beautiful**_ **display of trolling, we had Chapter 31 almost finished and Navarone's skeleton planned out by the time he got back. Took a week longer than we expected to do it, but it was well worth it, I'm sure.**

 **Hornet AN: Ah, Italy. Gorgeous weather, beautiful countryside, delicious food… and some of the most narrow, windy roads ever traversed by a tour bus. Oh, I had such a great time there. And now, I return to you with over 75,000 words of story. Hooray!**

 **Xomniac AN: And now we return to our usual posting schedule. And just in time for one of, if not** _ **the**_ **most harrowing and badass arc in all of One Piece. Hold onto your underwear, readers, we're ramming into Water 7 at full force!**


	36. Chapter 34 - Long Ring Long Land Pt 1

**Chapter 34**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Loyal fans, for those of you thinking that this chapter is late, let us pose this to you: what is our regular update schedule? The answer: once a week. And we already updated last week, didn't we?**

 **Patient AN: Except it's not that simple. We really wish this WAS a simple matter of trolling, but it isn't. This past week was a lot more hectic than any of us expected; we're not happy that we missed our appointed time, and it's not on purpose.**

 **Hornet AN: Work sucks and then the imploding economy kills your retirement.**

 **Also, fuck Lebron James, fuck the Cavaliers, and fuck the city of Cleveland in general.**

 **Xomniac AN: And college in general while we're at it, not letting me stay in my dorm and making me find somewhere new to stay…**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Well, at least we have one bit of good news in our lives to deliver: as of Friday,** _ **This Bites!**_ **has officially become the most popular Self-Insert fic in the One Piece fandom!**

"LAND HO!"

I was knocked from the book I'd been burying myself in by Luffy and Usopp's strident lecturing of Robin on the proper way to notify the crew that she'd seen an island. I took a second to get my bearings before smiling, standing up and picking up Soundbite. However, while I appeared calm on the outside, mentally I was the exact opposite, and had been for a while now.

My smile, fond though it was, belied the grim anticipation I felt; sure, it was nice to finally be near land, but the implications of our destination… those I couldn't shake.

Our course was _still_ unchangeably headed for an island infiltrated by no less than half of CP9. With any luck, Robin would be fully onboard once we arrived, so that we'd be able to start the inevitable conflict on our terms rather than theirs. But if she wasn't… then we were in for one _hell_ of a brawl.

Still, at least we had one advantage: until Robin arrived on Water 7, CP9's incognito members would continue to go about their days as though nothing were happening. Hence, with the global timeline 'paused' as it were, we had a resource on our hands we hadn't had in a long time: quite literally, _time._

Time to train, time to prepare, and most importantly of all, time to plan.

But I forced myself to push that issue away as I walked out onto the deck and gazed through the fog around us; pressing though the CP9 saga was, the memory of the remnants of the Fanged Toad Pirates and their sinking into the sea—which, I have to be honest, I couldn't regret; as disheartened as they were, if their first thought was to try robbing us, they weren't worth the effort to mourn—reminded me that we had to deal with the Foxy Pirates first.

I tented my fingers on the balcony as I considered our oncoming foes. For all that Foxy was something of a joke character, the truth was undeniable: he'd compensated for his own weakness by getting the Davy Back Fight down to an art. In a direct fight he was pathetic, but when he managed to get his way… well, simply put, he _had_ managed to survive long enough on the Grand Line to accumulate nearly 500 members for his crew, including fishmen and giants. No matter how you looked at it, Foxy was as paradoxically threatening as he was utterly pathetic.

"CROSS!"

I jumped in surprise as I was knocked clean out of my thoughts by Nami's voice before glancing to the side, where both she and Zoro were staring at me in equal parts worry and impatience. "Sorry, my thoughts were a mile away. What is it?"

"I asked if there's anything to worry about on this island," Nami replied before glancing at the island. "Though going by how you didn't answer me for a full minute, I'd call that question already answered."

I grimaced slightly before starting to tap the side of my head. "Eh… kind of. There are no indigenous threats; the local civilization isn't even around, for that matter. All that lives here are a bunch of abnormally tall or long animals, something about growing longer due to leisurely lifestyles or whatever. They're all laid back, so even the carnivores are barely even a threat. I suspect that this is the most peaceful island we'll find in the Grand Line."

"I'm hearing that 'but' like Soundbite's shouting it, Cross," Zoro deadpanned.

I stopped tapping and started pressing my finger against my temple. " _But_ it's a prelude. We're going to be meeting some people here. There'll be a group who'll be an annoying but decently tough fight…" I scowled as I dug my finger into forehead. "And after all that, there'll be one who will _stomp us_ into the ground."

Zoro and Nami tensed for a moment before Nami forced herself to relax marginally as she looked back at the shoreline. "Eh, I'm sure Luffy and the guys will be able to beat him."

"Don't count on it," I scowled grimly. "Picture a calmer, more world-savvy Eneru, minus the natural advantage that one of our crew had against him."

Zoro tapped his finger on the butt of Wado Ichimonji, not seeming to notice he was doing it. "Then how are we supposed to get out of this one alive?"

"Pure luck and Luffy's guts…" I shook my head grimly. " _After_ the guy effortlessly incapacitates Luffy."

 _That_ got the two to stiffen in naked terror, while drawing a different reaction from a third observer.

"It would appear that the third time fighting a Logia _isn't_ the charm for our captain," remarked Robin in a would-be calm voice as she walked up on us out of nowhere.

It was a testament to my nerves that I didn't jump, instead biting my lip as I hoped to high heaven that she wouldn't ask the million Beri question. If I hesitated, chances were high that she'd guess the reason for it. Thankfully, however, she chose to keep her peace.

"Not in this case, it isn't…" I shook my head solemnly before clapping my hands. "But in any case, that will have to wait. That annoying group I mentioned does present a threat, but only if we let them gain momentum. Hopefully it won't come to that, but if it does…" I sighed and waved my hand dismissively. "Well, I suppose we'll just have to burn that bridge when we come to it. For now, brace yourselves; the fourth leg of our journey starts now, and it's going to be one of the hardest parts we face this side of the Red Line."

That got them on their guard, sending Nami stalking off towards Usopp and Conis, presumably to check on the progress they'd made on our weapons, while Robin and Zoro stayed by me and watched as the island approached.

"…Fourth leg of our journey? How do you figure that, Cross?" Zoro asked.

"Eh, it's just the way I saw it," I shrugged. "The first leg was from when Luffy set out to when you guys left the East Blue, the second was from the start of the Grand Line to Alabasta, and the third was from the end of Alabasta until now. Some legs are longer than others, but all are significant in some way, shape or form."

"And how many of those do you know about, Cross?" Robin needled.

I looked upwards and spoke wordlessly to myself as I counted down on my fingers. Alright, let's see, the arcs were East Blue, Alabasta, Skypiea, Water 7/Enies, Thriller Bark, Marineford, Fishman Island, Punk Hazard and Dressrosa, though those last two were practically one and the same under the Pirate Alliance. Either way, it all totalled up to… "Eight, or therearound. My knowledge stops _right_ as we start getting into what will undoubtedly be the biggest shitstorm the world has seen in the last 700 years."

"Naturally," Robin said dryly.

"Hey, what do you want from me?" I shrugged. "I'm only human."

"Allegedly, anyway," Zoro scoffed.

I rolled my eyes and turned away in favor of observing Long Ring Long Land. As we arrived, I could see that it was, well… a plain-looking island. That is, the island was covered in grass and dotted with tall trees, and so it looked plain… because it _was_ a plain.

… Moving on. The Kiddy Trio shot overboard, as did Vivi and Carue. Everyone else stayed behind for one reason or another.

"Lassoo! Wanna go fox-hunting?" I called.

"Hey!" Su interrupted, an angry scowl on her face. "That's insulting to my heritage as a BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Both Lassoo, Soundbite, and I blinked as Su suddenly and without warning descended into a fit of laughter.

"Uh, Su?" I began.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA…! Oh, man, I nearly made it through that with a straight face," the cloud fox finally trailed off. "Nah, we foxes are all snarky little shits and we know it. Go on with whatever it was you were doing."

I shrugged and turned back to Lassoo. "So, about that invitation…"

The dog-gun's response was to eagerly bound up next to me and leap at my back, morphing into his gun-mode in mid-air and latching into the harness that Usopp had made for me a few days ago when I'd finally managed to start hefting Lassoo without strain.

" _HURF!"_

' _Or, well,'_ I corrected mentally as I strained under Lassoo's full weight. ' _Almost without strain…'_ Freaking hell, even a full ton lighter and he _still_ risked crushing me flat.

"You'd think having literally nothing but muscle would make this _easier_ , instead of setting me back by weeks," I remarked through gritted teeth.

"Look at it this way: at least you're actually capable of _walking,"_ Su commented airily from where she was perched on the Merry's railing. "That's more than most anyone who went through anything even remotely similar to what you did can say."

"… You have no idea just how accurate that statement is, Su," I deadpanned. I then turned back to my fellow officers. "Pass this on to everyone who stays behind: the group I mentioned will be here soon, but the captain is already on the island." I grimaced as I put my foot on the Merry's railing. "Hopefully, I can take him down before he can get Luffy to accept his challenge."

"Challenge?" Nami asked in confusion. "What challenge?"

I turned an eye towards the fog, and grimaced as I caught sight of a dark shadow just starting to loom. "The Davy Back Fight," I said sourly. "Ask Robin or Sanji to tell you what it is. Trust me, whatever they tell you, these guys have made it ten times _worse._ "

And with that parting comment, I leapt to the shore and started jogging after our captain, doctor, sniper, and duck-mounted diplomat as fast as my legs allowed.

 **-o-**

"Good day, young man."

"Winston Churchill," I divined, giving the daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaschund a respectful nod as I passed him by.

" **Yeah, I guess** _that accent's kinda_ UNMISTAKABLE," Soundbite admitted. " _ALRIGHT, HOW ABOUT…_ _ **this?"**_

"Oh, 'scuse me," I apologized as I ducked under the elongated mass of a particularly large animal.

"Not a problem," the animal rumbled.

"Hm…" I tapped my chin. "Robin Williams? No, that doesn't make sense…" I glanced back at the animal as I tried to puzzle it out before finally managing to catch sight of its horns. "Oh! A buuuuuuuuuuuullmoooooooooooose. Teddy Roosevelt then?"

"CORRECTAMUNDO!" Soundbite proclaimed.

"Good job compensating for a lack of an actual voice to go by."

" **Thanks, I'm** _ **quite proud of it. NOW… OH! OH!**_ _This should be GOOD!"_

"G'day, mate," a wide-snouted aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalligator greeted me quietly as he stalked after the buuuuuuuuuuuullmoooooooooooose.

I instantly jerked to a halt and snapped my fist up. "HOLD IT!" I barked, causing everyone around me to freeze. "A moment of silence for the Hunter…"

Soundbite, the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeptile and I all bowed our heads reverentially for a second…

"Aaaand moving on." I dropped my fist and resumed tracking Carue's thankfully distinctive footprints. "And for the record, Soundbite? That was an elongated alligator, he was called _Crocodile_ Hunter."

" **Eh, I went in KNOWING IT** _WAS A gamble."_

I shrugged. As I continued following the footprints, I actually took the moment to appreciate the land. A sea of grass that seemed to stretch on for miles and miles… even the bizarre trees, stretched out like reflections from a funhouse mirror, couldn't impede the amazing scope of the situation. I mean, I had experienced farmlands like this a few times back home, but nothing like this. Honestly, it was all just… just—

"LOOK OUT BELOW!"

" _ **LOOK OUT ABOVE!"**_

"Wha—?" I had barely enough time to glance up in confusion—

 _WHAM!_

When I was suddenly pasted by a very heavy and, frankly, _very_ smelly projectile.

I took a second to lie on the ground as I tried to process what the _hell_ had just happened when said projectile suddenly sat up and started scratching the back of its head.

"Ah, back on solid ground at last…" Tonjit sighed in relief before shifting around. "Huh, it's softer than I remember."

"…I take it all back…" I growled out. "This place is a freaking tinderbox, and all I need is a match so that I can watch it _burn."_ I blinked as a thought occurred to me. "Holy crap, this must be how Nami feels pretty much all the time…"

"Cross!" Vivi called out as she and the rest of our unofficial away team crowded around me. "Are you alright?"

"Holy crap, the bamboo genie came out and crushed Cross!" Luffy exclaimed.

"A genie?" asked Chopper.

"Yeah! It's the thing that appears after you break the bamboo and—WHEGH!"

I glared at my captain as I forced him to hold his tongue—or rather, as I held it for him. "He's no genie, Luffy, and that wasn't… quite bamboo?" I glanced down at the stilts. Seriously, how the hell had he managed—? I hastily shook my head as I got myself back on track. "Anyway, what you just broke was the world's biggest pair of stilts, and this was the guy who was standing on top. For all I know, he may very well live in that house and be the owner of that horse. Now, if you'll excuse me…" I slowly tilted back…

 _THUD!_

And landed in the _thankfully_ soft grass, although Lassoo being beneath me was marginally uncomfortable. "I'm just gonna lie here for a bit until my limbs stop aching…" I groaned.

"Uh… are you alright, Cross?" Vivi asked, leaning over me with a worried look.

"Cah'mon, Vivi," Carue huffed as he grabbed the back of Vivi's collar and yanked her away.

"He'll be fine, wet's just get outta hewe befowe whatevah madness he's gawt comin' catches up to him."

Tonjit, meanwhile, was blinking slowly before suddenly gasping and staring at me in shock. "Wait, young man, did you just say that there was a horse by that house over there?"

"…yes?" I asked slowly, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Huh…" Tonjit slowly redirected his gaze at the house. "You know, I used to have a house and a horse…" He stared for a second longer before tilting his head. "What an odd coincidence…"

I slapped my hand to my face with a groan. "For the love of—! Eh, to hell with it. Who the hell'll ever believe him? HEY, SHELLY!"

A minute later, I was watching Tonjit ride around happily on his old companion with a somewhat bemused expression. "So…" I glanced at Soundbite. "Your reasoning?"

"EH, _**what can I**_ **SAY?"** Soundbite shrugged as much as he could. " _OLD,_ _ **MATRONLY**_ _and_ **kind?** _Who else but_ **McGonagall?"**

"Heh, fair enough…" I watched the two of them for a few more seconds, and had to admit that it was a beautiful sight even considering that he had fallen on me. And not one that I wanted to see interrupted the hard way, that was for sure. "Are Foxy and his goons nearby yet?"

" **Chica** _ **AND**_ _BONNIE?_ " Soundbite asked cheekily.

"…That's more accurate than I'd like to admit. Still though?"

" _Eeehhh…"_ Soundbite swiveled his eyestalks. " **Yeeaaah, there they IS THAT A** _ **GUN!?"**_

"Yeah, that's them," I scowled grimly. "Alright, Soundbite, blow their brains out."

One second's pause, then Soundbite's eyes widened in horror. " **WAX!** _ **How did they**_ _ALREADY KNOW!?"_

I didn't spare any thought to answering the question, instead scrambling to a kneel and twisting my harness so that Lassoo was perched on my shoulder. "Which way are they!?"

"TWENTY DEGREES _WIDDERSHINS!"_

I gave the gastropod an acrid scowl. "Does it _look_ like we're riding on four elephants and a freaking turtle!?"

" _AH…"_ Soundbite flinched self-consciously. " **MAKE THAT** _ **starboard?"**_

I jerked Lassoo's barrel to the side.

" _ **FIRE!"**_

"CANI-PLASTER!" I roared as I pulled Lassoo's trigger.

BOOM! _SPLAT!_

" _AGH! PTOOH! WHAT ZE HECK!"_

I breathed a sigh of relief before dropping Lassoo down so that he could morph into his hybrid form while I stood up fully and stalked towards the tar-soaked trio. Thankfully, going by the fact that Tonjit was looking over at us in confusion atop a yet-uninjured Shelly, it looked like I had actually managed to beat them to the shot. Well, that was step one taken care of. Now, to keep them from actually managing to challenge Luffy.

I plastered the most murderous expression on my face as I could manage as I stalked up to them, cocking Lassoo menacingly. " _That_ was Cani-Plaster," I announced. "Unless you three want to see how well that particular attack synergizes with Cani- _Palm—"_

Lassoo's body promptly clicked, and he breathed out a tongue of _fire_ , courtesy of the Flame Dial Usopp had recently finished installing in one of his chambers.

"—I suggest that you all _back the heck off!"_

Lassoo capped it all off with a savage growl, which I was gratified to see made the opposing crew flinch back.

"Hey, what was that for, Cross?!" Vivi demanded, approaching me rapidly on duckback, Chopper in Walk Point alongside her and Luffy and Usopp close behind them.

"INDEED!" the split-headed pirate snarled in a heavy Italian accent as he struggled to wipe the tar off. "What ze hell did I do to deserve this!?"

" _ **YOU MEAN**_ **BESIDES THE FACT** _that you were about to SHOOT SHELLY!?"_ Soundbite snarled viciously.

"He was _what!?"_ Chopper roared as he snapped into his Heavy Point and loomed over the suddenly fearful slow-man, only for the much bigger gorilla-man Hamburg to square off and butt heads with him.

"Stay away from the boss, furball," he growled, more serious than I thought was possible from him.

"Who are these guys, Cross?" Usopp asked, nervously fingering his slingshot.

"Who am I?!" Foxy demanded incredulously. "You actually don't recognize me?"

"It's probably just the tar, boss," Porche consoled him. Foxy nodded to that, and then straightened.

"Well, in that case, I suppose I'll introduce myself!" he said with a smug pose. "I am Foxy the Silver Fox, ฿24 million bounty, Captain of the Foxy Pirates! I am the man who always gets what he wants!"

I slowly lessened my glare in favor of a disbelieving look. "Only ฿24 million, in the _Grand Line?_ Eesh, and I thought you were pathetic before."

Foxy promptly collapsed into a teary heap, a stormcloud-like air of depression hovering over him. "Pathetic?" he moaned.

"Pupupupu!" Hamburg hunched over with a snicker.

"QUIT IT, HAMBURG!" Porche snarled at him before patting her captain's shoulder comfortingly. "Aw, c'mon, Boss, it's not _that_ bad! I mean, he _has_ heard of you before, right?"

Foxy started to perk up—

"God knows I wish I _didn't."_

Until I threw in my own two cents.

" _I WILL LODGE MY BATON IN YOUR INTESTINAL TRACT!"_ the Foxy Pirates' diva promised.

"Why were you trying to shoot Shelly?" Luffy cut in with a frown before I could respond.

Unfortunately, _that_ question managed to snap Foxy out of his funk, prompting him to leap to his feet and jab his thumb at himself as he gave the definition of a shit-eating grin. "Because I felt like it, of course," he drawled. "I don't care about such a worthless horse, I was just going to shoot it for fun."

I felt my eye twitch at the sheer _wrongness_ of that statement. "Permission to cleanse the world of this scum, Captain?" I growled, prompting Lassoo to snarl out some flames again.

"H-Hold it right there, Straw Hat Pirates!" Foxy barked.

"Wha—? How do you know who we are?" Luffy demanded.

I pinched the bridge of my nose with my free hand. "The SBS, Luffy. It'd be more of a surprise if they _didn't_ know who we were."

"Oooooh, alright," Luffy nodded in understanding.

"And what right do you have to call us scum, anyway?" Porche demanded. "You're pirates just as much as we are. This is just what pirates do!"

I _would_ have gotten pissed at that particular statement if my blood didn't suddenly freeze on account of the feeling of raw, primal _terror_ that Luffy's sudden rage elicited. "SAY THAT AGAIN!" he bellowed as he took a menacing step forwards.

"HOLD IT, STRAWHAT!" Foxy snapped his hand up, temporarily forestalling Luffy's advance. "We're not here to fight! Rather…" The splithead dove his hands into his pocket and when he withdrew them, he was clutching a trio of coins with one while the other tossed a pistol at Luffy. "WE ARE HERE TO CHALLENGE YOU TO A THREE-ROUND DAVY BACK FIGHT!"

All the anger in Luffy seemed to deflate out of him, replaced by confusion, while Usopp, Vivi and Carue's expressions slowly began to contort in realization and horror. "A Davy—?"

"There are pirates who still play that in the Grand Line!?" Vivi gasped in horror.

"CWAP!" Carue squawked in agreement.

"DON'T DO IT, LUFFY!" Usopp begged desperately. "IF WE PLAY THAT GAME, THEN WE COULD LOSE OUR FRIENDS!"

"He's right, Luffy, this game—!" I started to cut in.

"Will there be a Captain's Fight?" Luffy asked, all traces of his usual good cheer completely gone as he pinned Foxy with a vicious glare.

I froze as the question caught me _completely_ flat-footed. "Wai— _What!?"_ I yelped in confusion.

"But of course." Foxy's sneer widened significantly. "After all, it's only traditional."

Luffy promptly aimed the pistol skyward. "Then I'm in."

"Nonono, Luffy, _wai—!"_

"Then let the Davy Back Fight," Foxy barked victoriously as he whipped out his own pistol and mirrored Luffy. "COMMENCE!"

 _BANG!_

My heart dropped as both he and Luffy discharged their pistols, thus irreversibly sealing our fates. The horror lasted only for a moment before I took the appropriate course of action, Vivi and Usopp both mirroring my movements.

"YOU IDIOT!" we yelled, slamming our fists into his head with enough force to bury it in the ground. I then grasped my fist with my other hand as it processed the pain as though I had punched iron rather than rubber.

"Gah… Usopp, what's the status on my new armor?" I grit out.

"You know, I _was_ going to have it finished in a day, but I think I'll make it my top priority in light of this," Usopp grumbled as Luffy tried to unstick his head.

"Fehfehfehfehfeh!" Foxy cackled. "This should bolster our crew quite nicely, I'd say."

"Don't count on it, split-head," I growled, causing Foxy to sink back into depression. At that moment, Luffy freed his head, and looked at our expressions.

"What is it, you guys?" he asked obliviously.

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. "Soundbite? Gastro-Scramble."

" _Roger roger,_ " he returned before static filled the air. The next instant, I began tearing into Luffy.

"YOU COMPLETE IDIOT! WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP TO LISTEN TO WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY?! DAVY BACK FIGHTS FORCE CAPTAINS TO GAMBLE THEIR CREWS! EVERY GAME WE LOSE, ONE OF OUR CREWMATES GETS STOLEN!" I roared.

Luffy frowned up at me. "Yeah, I already knew that."

"YOU—!" I started to snarl before freezing as I processed his words. "Wait, you _what!?"_

"I know what a Davy Back Fight is," Luffy repeated casually. "Shanks told me about 'em back in my home town. There's some bits I don't remember that well, but I know what it's all about."

My rage was subdued for the moment as part of my mind blanked, trying desperately to process what I was hearing. "But-But in the story—!?"

"Weeell…" Luffy scratched the side of his head with a smile. "You keep saying I should use my brain more, so I've been trying to do that. One of the things I've been doing is trying to remember anything Gramps and Shanks told me about the Grand Line."

My jaw dropped open as a wave of horror crashed down over me, but then I froze as I felt a number of murderous gazes drilling into me. I hastily swung around and waved my hands at my _very_ pissed off crewmates. "Hey hey _hey,_ don't blame me! How could I have _possibly_ seen this coming?! In what _possible_ way could I have predicted that a smarter Luffy would have been a _worse_ Luffy!?"

" **You mean besides** _EVERY MARY-SUE FIC_ _ **ever?"**_ Soundbite muttered sarcastically.

" _That is a literary issue,_ not _a realistic one!"_ I hissed back, then turned my attention back to Luffy. "Anyway, you _really_ misjudged things this time! Think about it, Luffy: Foxy _knew_ who we were, he's been _listening_ to the SBS, so he knows what you're capable of, and yet he _willingly_ challenged us, even in _spite_ of the fact that you _specifically_ asked for a direct fight with him! Do you know why he'd do that?"

Luffy blinked in confusion. "Ah… because he's an idiot?"

"That's a given, but _no,"_ I growled darkly. "He challenged us because he's got more up his sleeves than mere brawn. Luffy, the Foxy Pirates are _tricksters._ They've mastered the Davy Back Fight and come up with a million and one different ways of forcibly tipping the odds in their own favor. This isn't a battle we can win with might, but rather with wits, and they have _way_ more practice at it than we do!"

Vivi paled in horror. "T-That's _really_ not a good thing, Luffy! Baroque Works used to pull the exact same thing in order to forcibly gain recruits!" She cast a wary glance at a patiently waiting Foxy. "And if these guys have even more practice at it…"

"So, you see, Luffy," I growled darkly. "You've managed to hold us above a barrel here, which only begs _one_ question: what the hell made you think it was even remotely worth it to accept his challenge?"

Luffy stared up at us silently for a moment before bowing his head and tilting his hat down over his eyes. "… Because I remember that Shanks said that the Davy Back Fight usually ends with a fight between the captains of the two crews…"

Luffy suddenly glanced up, and the look in his eyes… well, any protests that I had died then and there. "And I want to kick that bastard's ass for pretending to be a pirate!"

We stared at him, the fire in his eyes blazing for a few more seconds before he grinned. "Besides, you guys are my crew! I know you can handle it!" he said cheerfully.

I sighed, unable to keep myself from smiling. "One compliment, and he has us hook, line, and sinker," I groused.

"Yep," chorused everyone else.

"Alright…" I scratched my head for a moment before glancing at Luffy. "Captain, permission to tell the crew what to expect? I mean, one slip-up here, and the consequences are worse than death."

"Huh? Uh… OK, Cross, go ahead," Luffy conceded with a frown. "But don't tell me anything about split-head unless you _really_ think I have to know it."

"Nah, you'll find out the only dangerous thing he has up his sleeve long before you fight him," I waved him off. I then directed a glare at Foxy, who was staring at us with clear impatience at being unable to hear our conversation. "For now… let's get back to the Merry and get this shitshow started. We've got some planning to take care of." I then tensed as a horrific realization hit me like a rock. "And… a storm to weather."

 **-o-**

When we returned to the Merry, I had explained the situation, and with the fact that they knew about the Davy Back Fight _and_ the fact that Foxy's crew was worse, it went without saying that Nami subsequently raged at Luffy. And by 'raged', I mean 'whipped up a miniature Category 5 Typhoon on the coast of Long Ring Long Island from scratch'… though thankfully, she'd withheld her unholy wrath until _after_ I'd finished explaining the ins and outs of the ordeal we were in for.

And _that_ had not been an easy conversation to have. Needless to say, Zoro and Sanji being told that they had to work together caused no end of frustration, but the potential threat of losing one of the ladies or, as in canon, Chopper was enough for them to agree to work together from the game's start to its end. As for the Donut Race, Nami staying onboard was non-negotiable due to the Long Cape's whirlpools, but as for the rest of the crew, I had a few ideas she was rather more amenable to.

Which brought me to the present, where I was standing beside Itomimizu of the Foxy Pirates on the central stage, he and Foxy both eagerly allowing me to join in emceeing the proceedings. Proceedings which were currently being delayed because of the, to reiterate, _miniature typhoon_ that was going to town on the captain of my crew. And may I just add that she was using her Clima-Tact _before_ it could be called more than Semi-Perfect?

"You know, your SBS _really_ doesn't do justice for how scary that woman is," my fellow announcer murmured fearfully.

"You think that _this_ is bad?" I scoffed. "Please, you're watching from the sideline. Trust me, she's a _lot_ worse when she's bearing down on you directly."

Itomimizu started to nod, before hastily dropping to the ground as a ballistic Luffy tore through the space where his torso had been a moment earlier. "…I'll take your word for it," he whimpered.

"Finally!" Foxy barked, grabbing Luffy and standing him up properly. "Geeze, how do you lunatics get anything done!?"

"Very patiently," I sneered.

"Hmph," the fox-themed pirate snorted before waving his hand. "Well, my patience is at an end. Let's get this show on the road!"

I gave Luffy a pleading look. "Do I _have_ to?"

"Shishishi! Heck yeah!" Luffy said, grinning like a… well, a D. "This is gonna be fun! No reason the world should miss out, right?"

I rolled my eyes, my mouth a thin line. "Right, 'fun'. That's one word for it…" Nevertheless, despite my attitude, I jerked the transceiver mike out of its cradle and started ticking down fingers. "Alright, in five, four, three, two and we are _live!"_ I promptly flipped my mood so that it was much cheerier. "Hello, world! Once again, it's that _special_ time! Time for me—!"

"TO START THE SBS!"

"GAH!" I leapt almost three feet off the ground at the sudden amplified voice before spinning around to catch sight of Itomimizu and his own snail snickering behind me.

"I've always wanted to do that!" the big-mouthed announcer laughed.

I ground my teeth as I clawed my hand down my face. "Why does the world seem determined to stop me from starting the SBS?!" I demanded.

"WHY _does_ _ **the world seem DETERMINED**_ **to stop me from** _STOPPING CROSS FROM_ **STARTING THE SBS?!"** Soundbite barked with as much heat.

"Honestly? Because it's fun!" he grinned carelessly.

I glared at him for a second before blowing out an exasperated sigh. "Viewers, allow me to introduce you to my fellow emcee for this broadcast. Uh, how do you say your name again?"

"Itomimizu," he said tiredly, clearly having had to correct that multiple times. "Announcer and commentator for the Foxy Pirates. Hello, world! I'm honored to say that this is the largest audience I've ever had the chance to speak to!" He capped it off with a bow.

"And why does he have this chance? Because due to a _deplorable and utterly unwarranted_ offense on the part of the Foxy Pirates' Captain, Foxy the Silver Fox—" I cast a glower at the split-head, to which he responded with a sneer. "—our captain has accepted the challenge of a three-round Davy Back Fight. For those unaware, this is a game designed for pirates and by pirates to strengthen their crews. Three basic rules apply: after each round, the winning crew's captain gets to select one member from the opposing crew to join theirs, or else take their Jolly Roger, and while this might not _seem_ so bad, one must remember that the Jolly Roger is the pride of a ship: if it is lost, then that symbol may never be flown again. And finally, any lost crewmates or flags can be reclaimed _only_ through a Davy Back Fight or through some form of exorbitant circumstances, though those are few and far between.

"I should clarify right now that our captain accepted this for two reasons: to get back at Foxy for the aforementioned offense, and because he has complete faith in his crew—

" **THAT'S US!"** Soundbite piped up.

"—to get through these challenges. And, well…" I let myself smile. "How could we object to a show of faith like that?" I promptly dropped my smile into a scowl. "Though honestly, I _really_ wish he'd just chosen to beat the split-head's face in then and there." I was gratified to see that my comment sent Foxy spiralling to his knees in misery. "This game is _still_ a hell of a risk, and because we're staking our pride on it, that means that if we get taken, either we stick with these bastards until the end or we butt out of the pirate life _forever,_ and I don't know which is worse! I mean, c'mon!" I waved my hand desperately. "Who the _hell_ thought that this game was a good idea anyways!?"

"I'D LIKE _to know that—Dot dot dot dot!—_ _ **too!**_ **OOH,** _ **LUCKY US!**_ _WE'RE GETTING AN ANSWER NOW!"_

"Or maybe it's just someone calling in to insult us. Either way, you're live on the SBS!"

" _Gurararara, glad to be here,"_ boomed a chuckle on the other end that I _instantly_ recognized. My entire body froze up, and I noticed that a significant portion of onlookers—Zoro, Sanji, and Robin included—seemed petrified in shock.

" _Now, then, let me educate you, brat,"_ the voice on the other end stated. " _The Back Fight was started so that the stronger pirates in the world could bolster their crews without active bloodshed, and it's been in use for decades, even before Roger got his crown. And nowadays, Linlin and Kaido tend to use it in place of open warfare, both so as to avoid ripping the New World to shreds and so that neither of them is left vulnerable for the Marines and Warlords. Of course, considering the sheer scales of their operations, they stake whole crews at a time instead of just one person. Personally, I'd rather die than risk losing one of my sons, no matter how confident I am in their capabilities, and that Red-Haired brat is the same. But even though I don't play it, I can appreciate an alternative to just blowing each other's brains out. Got it?"_

"…Yeah, that… that makes sense," I croaked weakly, only just managing to get my voice to work.

" _Gurarararara! I thought you were bolder than this, brat. You didn't hesitate to provoke a Warlord, or to insult my alcohol tolerance. What happened to all that bravado?"_

My gut slowly began to boil as a manic grin spread across my face. "Fine, then. You want bravado, old man? How's thi— _MMPH!"_ I was cut off by a disembodied hand clamping over my mouth.

A glance at Robin showed her to be mouthing ' _I will_ end _you,'_ with the utmost sincerity.

"Mmph…" I grumbled for a second before nodding, prompting her to release me. "Tsk. Apparently my crewmates don't _appreciate_ the value of impressing someone like you. Well, if nothing else, let me say this: thanks for what you did for…" I trailed off, unable to find a way to say it without giving too much away. "Look, you're a smart man and I'm sure he never shut up about the lovable moron, so I trust you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, he was in a dark place and you gave him something he was looking for his entire life, and I…" I glanced at Luffy, who promptly smiled and nodded eagerly. "And _we_ really appreciate it."

" _Gurararara. It's my pleasure, I assure you. By the way, I have a message for you as well. Or at least, to be delivered through your broadcast."_

I started to utter my agreement, before freezing as a thought struck me, followed by another scowl. At this rate, I was going to have frown lines at thirty. "Considering how this broadcast is truly global and I'm _certain_ that _he_ would never miss it for the world? Better make that _two_ messages."

"… _feh, who the hell says you aren't smart, brat._ _Alright, then… First, to my idiot wayward son… it doesn't matter to me what you do or when you come back, only that you do so alive."_ He let it hang there, and Luffy's grin could have split his face. Then the man on the other end spoke again. " _And_ you."

Shudders came from the entire crowd; that one word carried the message perfectly clearly. A few seconds of perfect silence followed.

" _Well, I've said enough. But one more thing: Monkey D. Luffy. I heard once that the chances of you accepting an invitation to become one of my sons was as likely as me swearing off alcohol. Why would that be?"_

"Shishishi! That's easy: because I can't have a captain! After all, being the King of the Pirates means being on top!" he declared with perfect certainty.

I allowed a goofy grin to spread over my face for a second. Man, it didn't matter how many times he said it, but that wave of _fact_ just never ever got old.

"… _GURARARARARA!"_ the man talking through the snail bellowed. " _Cheeky brat… but if you didn't have enough conviction to say it to me, much less the rest of the world, then you may as well have just given up now."_ He grinned. " _See you in the New World."_

"See you there, old man!" Luffy chortled. Then, as Soundbite let out a ' _KA-LICK!',_ the most interesting caller the SBS had had to date disconnected.

"… I chose the right man to follow as my captain," Zoro said with a bestial grin.

"I both agree and _vehemently_ beg to differ, Roronoa," Robin breathed numbly.

"… I never thought I'd see the day where I'd agree with Mosshead over Robin-chwan, but here it is," Sanji said, swiftly incinerating a cigarette to calm his nerves.

Foxy, for his part, was doing his best impression of an ice sculpture: pale as a ghost and completely unmoving. I smirked smugly before speaking loudly and clearly. "What's the matter, Foxy? Do you _not_ have enough conviction to outright challenge Edward ' _How the heck is he not a D.'_ Newgate? Or, as the world better knows him… _Whitebeard?"_

Every single member of the crews that had not realized who was speaking then reacted accordingly. Several members fainted, some going as far as foaming at the mouth, others settled for letting their jaws dropping to the ground in shock, and the vast majority belted out particularly boisterous ' _WHAT!'s._

Conis, for her part, looked at a yet-shellshocked Nami. "Is he meant to be important?"

Nami snapped her gaze to Conis in shock. "How do you not—!?" She cut herself off with a slap to her forehead. "Right, cultural segregation. Whitebeard is one of the four most powerful people on the planet; he is to us what Eneru was to you."

 _That_ got Conis to pale in terror, while Su sniffed carelessly. "He didn't seem _that_ impressive."

 _"Care to repeat that, furball?"_

"AGH!" Su yowled as she latched herself onto Conis's shoulder. "I'm so sorry Mister Whitebeard sir please don't—huh?" She cut herself off before snarling and glaring daggers at a cackling Soundbite. "OH, SCREW YOU, SLIMEBALL!"

" _SCREW_ YOU, **FURBALL,** _ **that was funny!"**_ Soundbite howled. I would have voiced my agreement with the gastropod, but I was too busy pounding the ground laughing my own head off.

"Hey, split-head! Hellooooo?" Luffy said, waving his hand in the petrified fox's face. He remained unresponsive.

Slowly getting to my feet, I sighed, securing my headphones over my ears. "Foxy seems to have been literally stunned with shock. Well, only one thing for it, then; we can't keep everyone waiting for too long. Ladies and gentlemen of the world, I would recommend covering your ears. This is gonna hurt."

I waited for all of one second before pressing the button.

 _ **BWAAAAAAAAAH!**_

I snickered at the chorus of agonized cries that arose in response to the blare. "I love this thing…"

" _WE KNOW!"_ the whole of the crowd roared furiously.

Despite everyone's indignancy, the foghorn had done its job, and Foxy was looking every which way before his eyes settled on me, and he frowned. I, however, spoke before he could. "Now, if you're done playing a statue, can we get this started?" I demanded.

Foxy leveled a glare at me for a minute longer before huffing and folding his arms. "Yes, we've delayed this long enough. Itomimizu!" he called, pronouncing the name flawlessly.

"Aye-aye, Captain!" The big-mouth snapped up a salute before addressing the mic I was holding. "Alright! The captains will now vow to the three articles of defeat! First, any crewmates claimed by the game may _only_ be reclaimed through the game." He gave me a pointed look, which I responded to by sticking out my tongue in a _very_ mature manner. "Second, once a crewmate has been claimed, they must immediately swear their allegiance to their new captain! And third, a stolen flag may never be displayed again unless reclaimed through the game! Those who disobey these rules will forevermore be viewed as disgraces to piracy, and will be sentenced to Davy Jones' locker for all eternity! And considering the size of our audience this time, that _really_ means something! So!" He shot a grin at our captains. "Do you so swear by these articles?"

Foxy grinned confidently. "I swear."

I gave Luffy a final pleading look. Luffy, in turn, gave me a cocky thumbs-up before shooting his fist in the air. "I swear!"

I sighed in defeat as the Foxy's crew cheered victoriously before shrugging and grinning in a bittersweet manner. "Well, in for a beri, in for them all. Might as well go whole hog!" I dug around in my pocket for a second before drawing out three ฿1 coins and holding them up for all to see. "As in accordance with tradition, I hereby dedicate these coins, and thus this three coin game—" I flung my arm out, tossing the coins into the churning surf. "—TO DAVY JONES! LET THE DAVY BACK FIGHT _COMMENCE!"_

"That's the spirit, Cross!" Luffy grinned. I sighed, smiling, before walking back to the rest of our crew with Luffy.

"Why, exactly, do you deem it a good idea to throw money away?" Nami asked as soon as I was in earshot, glowering at me.

"Why, exactly, do you deem it worth noting that I threw away ฿3 when we have a couple billion on the Merry?" I countered.

She grimaced for a few more seconds before sighing in defeat. "Point taken." She then proceeded to cave Luffy's face in once more for good measure before storming off. The rest of the crew locked eyes with me before nodding and walking off, pointedly in any direction but _towards_ Nami.

As I walked, I smirked; Foxy may have had every dirty trick in the book up his sleeve to push the rules to the breaking point, but a bit of warning on my part was all that the crew needed to combat the worst of it. I wasn't above suspicion that they might do things differently than they had in the story, but the three games were the same, and that was enough. For all that I dreaded this, I knew that we would win.

It was with those cheery thoughts that I walked towards Itomimizu, who was preparing to mount his bird. "Say, can he support both of us?"

"Hmm? Oh! Um… can you, Chuchun?"

The bird nodded. "Chi—should be able to—huh?!" He whipped his wings to his beak with a squawk.

I raised an eyebrow at Soundbite. "Al Roker?"

" _He's_ _ **helping to**_ REPORT, **right?"**

I shrugged. "Eh, fair enough. Well, Chuchun, I hope you enjoy being able to speak for the duration of this game."

The bird looked like his birthday had come early. "Thanks, guys! I'll never eat a snail again!"

"You have _no_ idea how much of a relief that is…" the snail at Itomimizu's side muttered.

"Transponder Snails don't count and you know it, Chubby!"

" **HEY!"** Soundbite barked.

"Actually, that _is_ what I call him," Itomimizu confirmed.

"And I do tend to pig out on the pudding," Chubby admitted.

" _Withdrawn…_ _ **for now."**_

"Well, anyway!" Chuchun flapped his wings. "If there's nothing else to discuss, then let's get to it!"

Soundbite and I grinned in synch as I mounted Chuchun, taking care that Soundbite and my bag were secure before the bird took to the sky.

And I have to admit, I lost a lot of my anxiety for the next few minutes while circling around, waiting for the Donut Race to begin. I mean, I was _flying_ , for crying out loud, in a way that actually let me take in the sights below without zooming past them! Seeing the world from this high up? It was enough to make me consider—and I mean _seriously_ consider, taking into account the resources we had on hand—asking Usopp to try building a jetpack.

Ultimately, however, I decided that it would be best to shelve the idea. While Usopp's inventing streak so far _was_ holding up pretty well, I didn't want to risk falling within that 1% of error. And besides, we'd be meeting up with someone a lot more capable of developing that particular innovation sooner rather than later.

Alas, however, my enjoyment came to an abrupt end as Itomimizu began speaking again. "Alright, everyone! Round One of the Davy Back Fight is the obstacle boat race around the island, known as the Donut Race! Both teams have received two oars and three barrels with which to construct their vessels. The materials are completely identical and have been inspected by both crews, so each boat's performance is guaranteed to depend entirely upon the skills of the teams and their crew's shipwrights! The teams and their boats are ready and waiting at the starting line, so let's introduce them!"

"Right," I nodded in agreement. "On the Straw Hat Pirates' team, we have our navigator Nami, mistress of all things weather-based; one of our five ship's guards Raphey, the sai-wielding Kung Fu Dugong lad-ette; and our gunner Conis, the bazooka-wielder from the sky! And their boat's name is… the Barrel Tigress!"

"GIRL POWER!" Raphey cheered, pumping her fist in the air as she balanced on the lip of her vessel.

"I'd feel a _lot_ more confident if this thing didn't feel like it was about to come apart under us…" Nami muttered darkly as she rapped her fist on a seam in the boat.

"Sorry, but Usopp and I only had a few minutes to set this up, and my father and I only rarely worked on Wavers, so it was new territory for me," Conis apologized from the back of the boat, which was mostly occupied by the Flame Bazooka she was carrying.

"And on the Foxy Pirates' team," Itomimizu continued. "Is our crew's diva and co-first-mate, Porche! Accompanying her are Capote the billfish fishman and Monda the star shark! Their ship is the Cutie Wagon!"

Porche responded to the resulting cheers by blowing kisses to the crowd and waving eagerly, while Monda and Capote flexed and grandstanded proudly.

"Personally, I might call it unfair that they've got a fishman and a shark on their team, but considering that we've got an amphibian on ours? Yeah, no room to complain."

"NOT TO MENTION _an angel AND_ _ **a demon!"**_ Soundbite put in.

"I WILL GUT YOU, SNAIL!" Nami roared up at us.

"HA! All's fair in love, war, and Davy Back Fights, so long as it doesn't go outside the rules!" my fellow announcer said cheerfully. "And on that note, with both ships at the starting line, let me state just what those rules are! All you need to do is circle the island once; the first ship to make it back to the starting line wins! Beyond that, anything goes; guns, swords, cannons, and all other weapons are allowed! If you don't like it, then you shouldn't be pirates!" He then tossed a pair of objects down towards the ships. "Here! Use these Eternal Poses so you don't get lost!"

Porche and Nami caught the poses easily, and both vessels prepared to go, with Raphey standing ready on the prow of the Barrel Tigress and Monda eagerly swishing his tail in place.

"And if you're wondering just _why_ they'll need those Poses when they just need to circle the island, you'll find out in a moment," I provided with a smirk. "But for now, it's time to start! Racers! On your marks!"

"Get set…" Itomimizu said, raising a pistol.

" _Gastro-Scramble,"_ I breathed with a smirk that Soundbite mirrored precisely.

"DONUT!"

The pistol fired, and it echoed everywhere beneath… _except_ to the Foxy Pirates waiting on the coastline with weapons at the ready. Before they knew what hit them, the majority of our crew fell on them like a ton of bricks, beating them all bloody before they could fire so much as a shot.

However, just because the Foxy's were out of commission didn't mean that _all_ projectiles were left unfired.

The second the pistol shot rang out, Raphey leapt at the Cutie Wagon like a bat out of hell, flinging a sai at Monda's harness. "SPEAR OF ST. GEORGE!"

Porche recoiled in terror as the weapon neatly severed the towrope tying the shark to her vessel. "What the—!?"

"EAT SHELL, YOU TRAP-JAWED—!" _THWACK!_ "GAH!" Raphey's battle cry was cut short as she was tackled out of the air before she could successfully make contact with the terrified star shark.

"Nice try, little dugong," Capote sneered at the patch of bubbles that marked where he'd swatted Raphey into the water. "But this is the Grand Line, not the backwater estuary you grew up in. You might be big stuff back home, but out here, you're _no—"_

"WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY!?"

 _CRACK!_

"GAH!" Capote was slammed off of his crew's vessel by Raphey rocketing out of the water directly beneath him and slamming her armored skull into his _far_ less well-protected nose.

The pink-bandanna'd dugong snorted darkly as she wrenched her sai out of the wood of the Cutie Wagon. "Talk is cheap, needlenose." She held her weapons at ready. "Come at me."

A moment of silence, two…

 _SPLASH!_

Then Raphey only just barely managed to catch a point-blank punch from the enraged fishman with her sais.

The dugong struggled to hold Capote at bay for a second before snapping a look back at the Tigress. "GO! THIS BASTARD'S _MINE!"_ And with that, the aquatic martial-artists dove beneath the waves and continued their clash out of sight in their natural domain.

"Conis!" Nami barked at the gunner.

Conis' nervous demeanor promptly evaporated. In one smooth motion, she hoisted her bazooka off of her back, lowered the muzzle to the edge of the waterline and pulled the triggers. The gas came out first, and then—

 _WHOOSH!_

A jet of blue flame rocketed the Barrel Tigress down the coast.

Foxy stared numbly after them for a second before pulling out a megaphone and roaring at his crew's representative. "PORCHE! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME AND GET A MOVE ON ALREADY! IF WE LOSE THIS, I'M SLICING YOUR COSMETIC BUDGET IN _HALF!_ "

The stunned baton-wielder promptly snapped out of her funk with an enraged howl. "NOBODY JEOPARDIZES MY BEAUTY!" She promptly flung a chain-linked bit at Monda, who grabbed it out of the air. "DOUBLETIME, MONDA, _NOW!"_

The shark snorted in agreement and promptly started tearing through the surf, somehow managing to keep easy pace with the Barrel Tigress.

"Aaaaand they're off!" I crowed, the effect amplified with Soundbite's assistance. "The shark-towed Cutie Wagon and the bazooka-powered Barrel Tigress are tearing off down the coast, although both vessels are a man down due to Raphey and Capote getting into an aqua-Martial Arts brawl right at the starting line!"

"Yeeesss…" Itomimizu drew the word out slowly as he glanced at me. "That start was really something. It's almost as if you constructed that team _knowing_ who we'd have on ours."

"Yeah, how could _that_ ever happen?" I drawled impishly. "I mean, it's not like we could have been listening in on your strategy meetings. _Oh, wait!"_

" _All's fair in love, war, and Davy Back Fights!"_ Soundbite echoed with a cackle.

"Well, can't argue with that!" Itomimizu waved us off. "Anyway, the two teams are neck and neck! Both of them are moving faster than I've ever seen for the Donut Race, they're already a quarter of the way around the island!"

"As it stands, the Barrel Tigress is ahead… but somehow the Cutie Wagon is keeping pace!?" I blinked in shock as I took in the nonsensical sight before me. "The heck? How is a relatively small shark keeping pace with a boat powered by an outboard-thruster!?"

The wide-mouthed announcer snickered at my reaction. "Yeah, Monda might be small, but his species is known by another name: shooting star sharks! They're some of the fastest sharks in the ocean, and without Capote's weight to hold him back, he's really showing his stuff!

"Well… I can't say that I'm not impressed," I reluctantly admitted.

And indeed, it was quite the impressive race. Within mere minutes, both barrel boats had reached the halfway point and were heading into the whirlpools.

"Incredible!" Itomimizu cheered. "This is one of the most intense Donut Races I've ever seen! Already the contestants have reached the halfway point, and are heading into the whirlpools of the Long Coral Reef! They'll need to be extra careful navigating it, because the currents formed by that reef can be treacherous!"

I glanced at my fellow announcer. "You guys have been scoping out the playing field, huh?"

"But of course!" Chuchun nodded. "You should know more about gathering as much information as possible before a confrontation than anyone!"

"Eh, good point, good point," I conceded, tilting my head before smirking at the new developments going on below. "In fact, I think that that particular principle is coming into play right about now."

"Huh?" Itomimizu looked down at the race in confusion and proceeded to gasp in shock. "A shocking development! The Barrel Tigress's propulsion has just cut out, allowing the Cutie Wagon to pass them and enter the Reef! Perhaps they're having some mechanical issues?" His grin then proceeded to redouble… _somehow_. "And it looks like their troubles are only beginning! Here comes our Boss, Foxy the Silver Fox, no doubt bearing a genius plan through which to give us an edge!"

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that~!" I sang casually. I then blinked in surprise as I paid better attention to the captain of the Foxy Pirates. Or rather, his steed. "Though, wow, now that I think about it, that Hamburg guy he's riding on is _seriously_ moving. Is… Is he even _human?"_

"That's the multi-million beri question on our crew!" Itomimizu proclaimed before continuing in a normal tone. "No, seriously, _that's_ how big the ship's pool is, we have _literally_ no idea and neither the Boss nor Porche are answering, and _they're_ the only ones who know! You want in? The buy-in's only a few hundred beri."

" _I'll take_ **that action!"** Soundbite snickered.

"Let's put a pin in that for now," I interrupted as I kept my gaze focused down below. "Because quite honestly? It would appear that you and your crew have bigger concerns to worry about." I let a shark-like grin slide over my face. "Liiike the fact that the Cutie Wagon just shot out of the Reef like a cork from a bottle, while meanwhile the Barrel Tigress is once again firing on all cylinders?"

"WHAT!?" Ito and his bird squawked simultaneously as they stared downwards, where indeed Porche and Monda were trying to enter the reef, and failing miserably. Meanwhile, Conis's Flame Bazooka had flared back up and propelled the Barrel Tigress into a different section of the Reef. Of course, Foxy chose that exact instant to attempt to interfere by firing in an impressively powerful smoke bomb… which wound up doing precisely jack squat.

"W-What in the world!?" Itomimizu stammered as he watched the Tigress exit the cloud and effortlessly circumvent the towers of coral. "Somehow the Strawhats' team is managing to sail through the Coral Reef without even a hint of trouble! How is this possible!?"

"Hehehe," I chuckled smugly as I stroked a nonexistent beard. "It appears that I must apologize, Itomimizu, for it would seem that my earlier comments were, shall we say, misleading? When the race started, I classified Nami as merely a mistress of weather, when in fact that statement is categorically untrue." I jabbed my finger at the sky in a triumphant manner. "Rather, our dear money-grubbing demon Nami is the absolute _ruler_ of _all_ things related to navigation as a whole, be they heaven, earth or sea! It would take more than a mere collection of _currents_ to put her off her game!"

" _DAMN STRAIGHT!"_ Nami cheered from below, aided by Soundbite.

Itomimizu's gaping jaw flapped uselessly for several seconds, quiet gurgling noises coming from his mouth. However, he managed to rally rather swiftly. "Well, while your navigator _is_ admittedly impressive, I'm afraid that her skills can only go so far! After all, it'll take more than mere wits to overcome an obstacle as daunting and deep as the Long Ring Whirlpool!"

And indeed, the Barrel Tigress was now rocketing towards the yawning (not to mention oddly shaped; seriously, the animals being laid back is one thing, but nature itself!?) abyss of the titanic whirlpool.

I, however, refused to lose even a trace of my smugness, instead shaking my head as I tsked pitifully. "Oh, Ito, Ito, _Ito…_ have you not listened to a _single_ broadcast of my show? Intellect is _far_ from the leading aspect of our crew! Rather…" I held up a finger. "Our main area of expertise lies in the field of practical insanity, or! In more common parlance…" My grin widened eagerly. "Applied. _Bullshit."_

 _BOOM!_

And with that, the water behind the Barrel Tigress _exploded,_ launching it clear over not only the Long Ring Whirlpool, but the barrier of the Long Ring Cape that lay behind it as well.

I snickered as I dusted my hands off, enjoying the absolutely poleaxed expression Itomimizu was wearing at seeing the Impact Dial's result. "And _that_ is what sets us head and shoulders above other pirate crews. For you viewers at home, I am proud to announce that the Barrel Tigress has managed to achieve a most momentous lead via the application of a little Sky Island party favor. For the sake of future combat, I won't go into details, but suffice to say that it managed to launch our crewmates past not only the whirlpool that lay ahead of them, but a rather obtrusive cape as well! Major kudos to Conis for the rather impressive maneuver!"

Soundbite started to nod in agreement before freezing, a shocked look painting his face. " **Ah… actually…** _that wasn't CONIS."_

"Huh?" I looked at him in surprise. "Really? But then who…" I trailed off as realization came to me. "Wait, but wouldn't that mean—? You can't be serious!"

"LISTEN FOR YOURSELF! _**Though for the record, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED."**_

I hastily slipped my headphones on, and not a moment too soon either.

" _SON OF A—!"_

 **-o-**

"Hey, cut it out, Nojiko, what are you doing?" Chabo demanded indignantly, trying to squirm out of the blue-haired woman's grasp. Said woman had her hands clamped over the boy's ears, ignoring his demands in favor of grimacing at the fact that her sister was currently swearing her dirty mouth off to the entire. Freaking. World. Well, at least Soundbite was censoring the worst of it… sort of.

"— _BLUE-HORNED MOTHER—_ **HONK!** — _ING BARNACLE-BRED PIECE OF—_ **HEE-HAW!** — _WRAPPED IN A PILE OF STEAMING—_ **DING!** — _AND REEKING OF SEA KING_ — **YO-DEL-AY-HEE-HOO!** —"

"Damn it, and Dr. Nako _just_ said that Genzo's blood pressure got back in the green…" Nojiko groaned.

Just once, just _once_ could her dear sister think of their poor old foster father _before_ she acted!?

 **-o-**

"— _AND IT WILL BE BY_ FAR _THE MOST DELICIOUS AND SATISFYING SALAD THAT I WILL EVER EAT IN MY ENTIRE_ LIFE!"

"… _so_ glad that I can't be sued for all of this," I breathed as I finally unlatched my earphones from my head. " _So glad."_

"HAMBURG, GET UP!"

I cast my eyes downwards, and found that Hamburg was currently incapable of acting as a steed on account of how he was too busy rolling on the ground, laughing his head off as a result of what had just happened. Further application of Soundbite's skills revealed that he wasn't alone; back at the fairgrounds, almost a third of the Foxy Pirates were laughing, as were Mikey and Su, if nobody else on our crew.

" _Nami-swan is so beautiful when she's incoherently furious!"_ Sanji cried over the uproar that we could hear via the Transponder Snails set up over there.

I rolled my eyes, practically capable of hearing the inevitable jab from Zoro as I directed my attention back to the Tigress. "Alright, now, Nami, if you're _quite_ done, would you care to explain _why the hell_ you did that? You _knew_ about the recoil from that thing!"

" _Trust me, that's the last time I'm ever doing it, that's for damn sure, or at least the last time I grab one after the Dugongs have gotten through using it for target practice,"_ Nami fumed for a second before sighing, a lot of the rage in her voice fading away. " _But, to answer your question, Cross… I just wanted to pull my weight a bit more. Yeah, I'm proud of my navigational abilities and all that, but Raphey's still fighting that Fishman and Conis is using her Bazooka, so compared to that, doing what I do everyday doesn't feel like much. I just… wanted to make a bit more of an impact is all."_

" _Well, you certainly made an impact on the Foxy Pirates,"_ Su offered. " _And the water… and your arm."_

" _You do still have a full range of motion, right?"_ Chopper tacked in nervously.

" _Ergh, it hurts like hellfire, but yeah…"_

" _Well, at least that's something,"_ Chopper sighed in relief before becoming more serious. " _Still, don't scare me like that! I tried one of those things out myself in my Heavy Point, and I can tell you now that without some serious muscle development, you ran the risk of muscular and skeletal damage, and all for nothing!"_

" _Yeah, Nami, you do more than enough on the crew!"_ Luffy concurred eagerly. " _You keep us floating and going the right way, remember?"_

" _And you've wrangled the idiots of this crew more times than I can count,"_ Vivi added.

"To add to that one, if what you feel every day is anything like what I felt when Tonjit fell on me, trust me, that you haven't tried to light the ocean on fire by now is quite a feat."

There was a very long, very uncomfortable pause on Nami's end.

"Uh… You _haven't_ tried to light the ocean on fire… right?"

" _Aheh… let's move on, shall we?"_

"Riiiight…" I trailed off for a second before shaking my head and smiling warmly. "Anyway, the point is that you contribute more than enough to this crew and you are a key part of the Strawhat Pirates. If you feel like you want to do more, then that's your prerogative. Just don't do it at the expense of your health, for all of our sakes, alright?"

"… _Yeah, alright,"_ Nami finally admitted in a voice that plainly indicated a smile. " _By the way, why hasn't Sanji said anything?"_

" _The love cook finally reached the point of passing out from sheer joy,"_ Zoro deadpanned.

"… _I honestly don't know what I expected,"_ Nami deadpanned.

"Ah, excuse me?" Itomimizu cut in. "As heartwarming and hilarious as all of this is, I'd like to remind you that we are still in the middle of a race here! And it seems that the Cutie Wagon is starting to catch up!"

"What?!" I snapped my attention down to the coast of the island again, where indeed the Cutie Wagon was slowly but surely fording through the Reef's intricate current system, the riptides failing to faze Monda in the least. "But how the… hell… wait a second…" I dug a spyglass out of my bag and held it to my eye. I then proceeded to bite back a curse when I caught sight of the muzzle latched over the now-ballistic shark's nose. "That mask is full of pure _chum,_ isn't it?"

"Precisely!" Ito nodded in agreement. "It's a special tactic we came up with in order to force Monda into a feeding frenzy and give us a major boost of speed! It's actually quite a rare thing for us to use it, you Strawhats should be honored!"

I ground my teeth for a second before pausing as a thought hit me. "Heeey, wait a second… aren't you guys _at all_ worried about the fact that you're essentially broadcasting all of your cheating to the world?"

The wide-mouth just smirked confidently. "Forewarned might be forearmed, but we're too strong and too wily for any amount of preparation to stop us! Pirate crews can come at us all they want knowing as much as they can, they'll still lose!"

I processed that for a bit before surreptitiously covering the transceiver's mic. "Foxy told you to say that so that now you're practically guaranteed to get crews flocking to you for Back Fights who all _think_ they stand a chance while only knowing a fraction of your arsenal, didn't he."

Itomimizu's smile _somehow_ managed to widen. "Say what you will about the Boss, but you have to admit, when it comes to pure, dirty, low-down trickery, he's utterly unmatched! Truly he's a pirate's pirate!"

"Well, at least he's persistent in _quantity…"_ I uttered under my breath before uncovering the mic. "Anyway, back to the race! Nami, Conis, you need to get a move on!"

" _Sorry, needed a second to change my Bazooka's Dials!"_ Conis apologized. " _Alright, we're back on!"_ And with that, the Barrel Tigress's thruster roared to life again and started rocketing our team down the coast, all while the Cutie Wagon rounded around the tip of the Long Cape.

All too soon the two vessels wound up in a deadlock once again, with the Tigress staying firmly in the lead but the Cutie Wagon steadfastly _refusing_ to lose any ground.

And through it all, Hamburg managed to keep pace with the two vessels, bearing Foxy on his back without any trouble. In fact, he even managed to overtake the Tigress, keeping well ahead of our crew's team while Foxy raised his arm and _oh shit!_

" _Slow-Slow—!"_

"Ah-ah-ah- _IT WOULD APPEAR THAT CAPTAIN SPLIT-HEAD IS TRYING SOMETHING!"_ I bellowed desperately.

Foxy promptly collapsed in despair. " _S-Split-he—ARGH!"_ Which proved to be an ill-advised move, seeing as he promptly lost his balance and fell beneath Hamburg, which got him tangled up in the larger figure's limbs and wound up with _both_ of them falling into an uncontrolled tumble.

"BOSS!" Itomimizu shrieked in panic.

"PFHAHAHA!" I laughed in equal parts amusement and relief. "Oh, _wow,_ I wish you could have seen _that_ , viewers, because that little spectacle we just witnessed, it is one for the blooper reels! PFHAHAHA!"

"Why, you—you did that on purpose, didn't you?!" Ito yelled in outrage. "Have you no heart!?"

"ONCE AGAIN, _all's fair in love, war, and Davy Back Fights!"_

"STOP USING MY OWN WORDS AGAINST ME!"

" **Why?** YOU SAID _**that**_ _all's fair in love, war—_ "

"GAH!" Ito yanked his hat down in outrage before nearly giving me mood whiplash by snapping back to cheerful as he pointed back below. "Oh, it looks like the two ships have finally stopped their stalemate, and the Cutie Wagon is pulling ahead!"

I quickly looked back down, and saw that unfortunately, he was right; the berserk shark was pulling up to the Tigress due to Conis' bazooka emitting smoke rather than flame. Looking more closely, I could see the problem.

"Ugh… looks like Porche has somehow managed to clog the Flame Bazooka's air intake with what look like metal flowers!"

"That's Porche's Flower Shuriken move!" Itomimizu announced proudly. "As elegant and deadly as she is beautiful! Truly befitting of the diva of our crew! And now it looks like the Cutie Wagon is—!"

Conis promptly _rammed_ the bazooka's end against the lip of her vessel. It caused the wood to crack a bit, sure, but it also dislodged the metal flowers from the weapon, allowing her to reignite the vessel's thruster and resume forward momentum.

"Tied with the Barrel Tigress!" I cut in hastily, leaning forwards in an attempt to get a better look. "Both vessels are _literally_ neck-and-neck! It's a deadlock, folks, and neither party appears to be intent on letting the other change that anytime soon!"

Ito started to nod before gasping when the Barrel Tigress suddenly swung right, slamming the majority of its bulk into the Cutie Wagon. "Well it looks like the Strawhats are _determined_ to break it! Your navigator is going in for some CQC with Porche! Such brutality, is she even a woman!? _Maybe I should ask her to show me proof that she is!"_ He paused and paled. "WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?!"

Soundbite roared with laughter…

 _ZAP! "SQUARK!"_

Before yelping in terror when a bolt of lightning came within an inch of zapping us all.

" _WOULD YOU BASTARDS CARE TO REPEAT THAT!?"_

"Didn't think that through, didja?" I snarled at Soundbite as I tried to unclench my arms from around Chuchun's neck.

" **EE-** _ **nope!"**_ he replied from the safety of his shivering shell.

Meanwhile, far below us, Nami and Porche were going at one another with gusto, Clima-Tact clashing against a no doubt _thoroughly_ reinforced baton in what was, quite frankly, a stunning demonstration of both skill and acrobatics.

"Well, that aside, it _is_ an impressive catfight that's happening between the Foxy Pirates' diva and the Straw Hat Pirates' second mate!" I commentated. "A baton strike blocked here, a staff strike parried there, shurikens and lightning—"

" _VERY VERY FRIGHTENING ME!"_ Soundbite chimed in.

"Galileo—GAH!" I shot a glare at Soundbite, who only cackled madly. "Grgh… anyway, back to the fi—" I cut myself off with a choked gurgle at a new development, which Itomimizu eagerly capitalized on.

"Well, well! A well-aimed strike to Conis' right temple from Porche's baton has sent the Strawhat's gunner for a loop and disabled their engine, meaning that they're now falling behind while the Cutie Wagon is proceeding undeterred!"

"BUT it looks like Conis is recovering quickly!" I cut in, watching as Conis righted herself with a slightly dizzy shake of her head before resuming her position. "And just like that, the bazooka's gunning again, and the Cutie Wagon is quickly losing her lead!"

Porche clearly didn't like that judging from the murderous look in her eyes as Nami spun her Clima-Tact, clearly ready to go another round of Whack-a-Fox. But as they neared each other, Porche's eyes widened, and then she smirked before jerking at the bit in Monda's mouth, steering him away. Nami blinked in confusion, but then snapped her head towards the shore, where Foxy and Hamburg had caught up, the former poised to fire again. This time, with Itomimizu watching me, I didn't say a word, but the fact that I was grinning like a lunatic clearly unnerved him.

"In case you're wondering about why I'm grinning…" I started slowly. "I'd just like to remind you. Talking strategy while Soundbite and I are anywhere nearby?"

" _Slow-Slow Beam!"_ Foxy shouted from below, sending wave after wave of the unnatural particles at our crewmates.

"It's a good way to end your plans before they even start," I finished, Soundbite's grin matching mine in wideness and maliciousness. Then I turned my attention back to the mic. "Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that Foxy the Silver Fox is attempting to use his Devil Fruit powers against the Barrel Tigress: the Slow-Slow Fruit, enabling him to fire a beam that slows down anything it hits! Unfortunately for him, we happen to have its weakness handy!"

Nami's grin was no less wide than mine as, with the beams approaching, she picked something up from the floor of the barrel and held it in front of her: a mirror. And as the beams reflected, I looked at Foxy to see his reaction, and—

… OK, it wasn't Eneru-grade, _that_ was impossible to top. Still, Foxy's expression at seeing that we had the counter for his Devil Fruit powers was still a freaking hilarious close second. With the beams reflected harmlessly away, the two vessels tore down the final stretch of the coast towards the rapidly-approaching finish line. The Cutie Wagon's swerve had served to cut their lead down enough so that the Tigress was right on their tail, and even from way on high I could _see_ that Monda was starting to tire. Inch after inch the Wagon lost ground and inch after inch the Tigress took it, pulling ahead more and more.

When without warning, the Tigress suddenly jerked to a halt, almost flinging Conis and Nami from the ship. The pair exchanged panicked looks as the Cutie Wagon tore ahead, but even though Conis regained her balance and doubled the intensity of her Flame Bazooka, the ship just wasn't moving forward. It was as if the water was… fighting against them _shit when had that bastard started shooting?!_

"Guys, the be—MMPH!"

"Look, I'll be honest," Itomimizu growled, one hand clenched over my mouth while his arm encircled my neck. "I _like_ you, you're a great guy with a great sense of humor and an even better sense of dramatic timing, but for now, I'm going to need you to _shut up!"_

" _LET GO of_ _ **my**_ **partner!"** Soundbite snapped.

"Not until we wi— _ghrk!"_

I bashed my elbow into his face, regretting for the umpteenth time that my armor wasn't ready yet as the pain jabbed through my arm. But he kept a firm grip on my jaw, so I kept flinging, and he started hitting back.

…Brawling in midair on the back of a giant bird. Somehow, I wasn't even remotely surprised. But, thankfully, I finally managed to free my mouth and bellow out, "THE WATER! THE BEAMS WORK ON THE WAT—MMPH!" I was then cut off by Itomimizu shoving his forearm in my mouth, but by that point the damage was thankfully done.

" _Lassoo, Cani-Cannon!"_ Soundbite barked out in my voice.

During my struggle with my co-announcer, I managed to catch sight of an explosion in the fairground, followed by a blur of white headed straight at Foxy…

 _CRACK!_

Only for it to be batted away thanks to Hamburg moving faster than any being his size had the right to, drawing a metal club and striking the projectile in the space of a second.

The next few seconds were something of a blur as Ito and I both brawled and did our best to balance on Chuchun's back, the damn thing doing its best to sway the fight in its partner's favor however it could manage—

"POP- _ **FLY!**_ **INCOMING!"**

Before Soundbite let out a panicked yelp and snapped into his shell, prompting the three of us to freeze as we processed what he had said. _Then_ we processed the sight of a baseball coming up right next to us. In the air.

"Uh-oh…" the giga-bird whimpered in terror.

"I don't say this often…" I groaned. "But this… this _bites."_

" _ **Heh, title dro—!"**_

 **BOOM!**

Normally I wouldn't wake up any time soon after getting hit by a blast like that, but thankfully I had several factors on my side.

Namely, a metric ton of wind blasting in my face as I dropped at terminal velocity and a loud-mouthed snail wailing in my ear.

When I _did_ finally come to, however, it was to the sight of the ground coming at me really really _really really FAST OH SHIT FUCK!_

"LUUUUUFFYYYYY!" I screamed as I flailed desperately.

I was half a second from belly flopping onto the green grass when suddenly my vision was filled with rubber and a red vest. "GUM-GUM BALLOON!"

I struggled uncomfortably for a second before Luffy's distended belly recoiled, bouncing me back up into the air for a scant moment during which I flailed desperately. On the plus side, I didn't belly-flop onto the grass.

On the minus, that was because I landed on my head.

I laid groaning on the ground for a second before slowly cracking an eye open to stare at Zoro, who was standing over me and looking at me curiously. "Did we win?" I asked in a dizzy tone of voice.

An uproar of cheers from the fairground answered _that_ question for me.

"… _shit."_

 **-o-**

A minute later found the two crews assembled on different sides of an unspoken line, an uneasy truce having been set for the moment so that we could take the time to give medical aid to our injured crewmembers. And _damn,_ did we need it.

"Well, _that_ wasn't particularly fun…" I groused as I craned my neck back and forth, doing my best to massage my throbbing spine. "And _I_ wasn't even a part of the freaking race!"

"Yeah, well, I promise you that it wasn't any more fun at ground zero, either," Nami hissed as she held an icepack to a lump that was starting to form on her skull.

"Agreed…" Conis nodded, inasmuch as she could with Chopper slowly wrapping a bandage around her head.

"By the way, I was kind of busy flying around the island and then _falling_ so I missed it, but how's Raphey doing?" I asked.

"Well…"

"LET ME AT 'IM! _LET ME AT 'IM!"_

I glanced back to see the dugong in question attempting to charge towards the Foxy's, more specifically at the giant-fishman hybrid Big Pan, who was holding an equally-struggling Capote in his hands. I say 'attempting' because the other three students were hanging off of her doing their best to hold her back.

"That's the concussion talking, Raphey, don't listen to it!" Mikey pleaded.

"I DON'T CARE! I'M GONNA CAVE THAT—!"

All of a sudden, she jerked before slumping forward, revealing a syringe sticking out of her neck and a grumpy-looking Chopper behind her.

"Good thing I restocked on sedative back at G-8," he muttered. "It looks like I'm going to be needing a _lot_ of it."

"You think we could borrow some of that?" Porche called over to us. "We'd do the same for our guy, but as you can see…" She glanced warily up at her struggling crewmate. "Our docs think he might be starting to build a tolerance."

"Eh…" Chopper rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Have you considered a… 'manual override'?" He made air quotations with his hooves.

"Are you nuts?!" one of the Foxy doctors (who did _not_ look the part) demanded incredulously. "That could give him a serious concussion!"

"Rebuttal!" Chopper jabbed his hoof up. "He's a _fishman."_

The doctor made to respond, but trailed off thoughtfully instead. After a second, he nodded in acceptance. "Good point." He then waved up at the hybrid. "Hey, Big Pan! One Monster Burger, stat!"

The large fellow blinked stupidly down at the doctor for a moment before grinning and nodding in understanding. He then proceeded to raise one of his hands off of Capote—

 _SLAM!_ "GAH!"

Before clapping it down on him full force, reducing his fellow fishman to an insensate mess.

I cocked my head to the side. "…How long did it take him to learn that?"

Porche grimaced and kneaded the bridge of her nose. "Longer than any of us are willing to admit…"

I chuckled slightly at that comment before pausing as I noticed Sanji and Zoro doing the same. "The hell are you two laughing at? You're fighting _him_ next round!" _That_ got them to sober up pretty fast.

That… and a particularly unwelcome voice.

"Well, I think that's been quite long enough!"

I and most of our crew scowled darkly as Foxy marched out of the throngs of his own men, leering at us maliciously.

"You can't delay any longer," he announced smugly. "It's time."

"INDEED!" Itomimizu belted out in agreement, popping up next to his captain with his own snail at the ready, looking as though he'd come straight off of the set of a mummy movie. Turns out that even a rapidly-readied fireman's trampoline won't do you much good when you hit it at a little under terminal velocity. "As we've won the Donut Race, it is now our right to choose a member of your crew! They're all yours, Boss!"

I grimaced and slowly walked to stand behind Chopper, bracing myself for the inevitable.

Foxy's smirk doubled in size as he stepped forward and slowly raised a hand to point at us. "It took some thinking, but I've already made my decision! The one I choose… is you!"

I laid a comforting hand on Chopper's hat, causing him to glance upwards with fearful eyes. "Sorry, little buddy. Just stay strong and—"

"The ship's tactician, Jeremiah Cross!"

"—we'll get you back soo— _WHAT THE FUCK!?"_ I swapped to a panicked bellow as I stared at Foxy in confusion.

" _What!?"_ Nami and Vivi chorused in horror.

" **OH, SHIT!"** Soundbite yelped.

Foxy smirked in a vulpine manner, crossing his arms imperiously. "You screwed me over a lot during that race, Cross. I both respect and abhor that. So now, not only are you no longer a thorn in my side, you're going to be one in all of my enemies! Fehfehfehfehfeh!"

"Phrasing, captain!" Porche interjected, while Hamburg barely managed to cover his snickering.

Foxy grimaced before rallying. "Now, c'mon." He gestured for me to come forwards. "I've already shown you more courtesy than I do most by not having you dragged over. Gather your pets and come accept your defeat with dignity."

And just like that, several pieces clicked into place for me, and I dug my fingers into my palm in an effort to keep my cool. "…No," I said coldly.

 _That_ response got Foxy _and_ Zoro glaring at me.

"Cross…" Zoro started testily.

"You dare disrespect ze laws of the Davy Back Fight!?" Foxy demanded.

"On the contrary!" I called back, pumping steel into my voice. I then proceeded to remove Soundbite from my shoulder and place him on Chopper's hat and drop my bag and Lassoo's strap to the ground. "The only one who's disobeying them here is _you, Boss."_ I grit out the last word as though it were a curse, and quite honestly it might as well have been.

"Huh!?" Foxy jerked in confusion. "What ze hell are you talking about!?"

"Simple," I gestured at the shell-shocked Devil Fruit-using animals who were staring at me. "Soundbite and Lassoo are my _partners_ , not my pets, and as my partner Soundbite has an equal stake in the SBS. If you want to control the SBS or get your hands on Soundbite or Lassoo, then you'll have to win again and call their names, but right now? You don't get any three-for-ones _or_ do-overs." I jabbed my thumb at my chest. "You called for me, and you got _me._ Take it, or give me an honorable discharge so that I can go back."

Foxy ground his teeth as he realized that he'd been played. "The dugongs and dog are one thing, but a _snail_ being a genuine crewmate!? Bah!" He ultimately flung his hand up dismissively, though I could still see his jaw twitching with repressed anger. "It is of no matter, we'll just have to win the next game, too! And in the meantime…" He pointed at me firmly. "I stand by my choice! By the laws of the game, _you are now my crewmate!"_

" _Joy,"_ I drawled. And so, without further ado, I started marching towards the crowd of masked pirates.

"What the hell are you _doing_ , Cross?!" Vivi demanded incredulously, drawing me up short.

"Y-Yeah, Cross!" Mikey concurred. "This isn't like you! How come you aren't ranting or raving o-o-or _ripping into these bastards_ like you always do!?"

"Why aren't you doing anything!?" Chopper cried, obviously fighting back tears. "Y-You're being taken away from us! Y-You're being _stolen!_ D-Don't you c-care at all!?"

I rolled my eyes as I folded my arms behind my head. "Nope. Not even a bit."

" _What!?"_ Conis gasped in shock.

"Cross—!" Nami started.

"Geeze, you guys…" I groaned as I dug a finger into my ear. "Look, you're all making a big deal out of absolutely _nothing._ I mean, come on, it's not like I'm leaving _forever,_ you know?"

" _What?!"_ over half of the Strawhats cried in confusion.

"WHAT!?" Foxy bellowed in outrage.

"Well, yeah?" I said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I mean, come on. I'm gonna be on their crew for, what, an hour or two, maybe less? Then _you guys_ are gonna stomp whoever the hell they send at you for Round Two into the ground in, like, ten seconds and then I'll be a Strawhat again. Come on, guys." I spread my hands helplessly. "It isn't that hard."

"Shishishi, yeah, guys!" Luffy scratched his finger beneath his nose, having been one of the only members of the crew who hadn't reacted negatively to my nonchalance. "You're all acting kinda stupid, you know?"

"Hypocritical though that would normally be coming from his mouth, he does have a point this time; considering that Luffy's fighting split-head one-on-one and Boss, Mosshead and I are taking on the next game, there's not much chance of us losing again," Sanji shrugged.

"And besides," Boss said gruffly as he bit down on a cigar and ignited it with a single click of his flint. "So we lose once, so what? It'll just make our inevitable victory all the sweeter. And for the record, that's _not_ a Man's Romance." He blew out a cloud of smoke as he stared down the Foxy's. "That's a damn _fact."_

A loud, audible gulp seemed to come from every member of the Foxy's.

"Well, anyway, I gotta be goin' for now. See you." I waved goodbye over my shoulder as I walked over to Foxy and popped off a careless, two-fingered salute and as sarcastically honest of a grin as I could manage. "Hi, I'm Jeremiah Cross, your new tactician. Please take _good_ care of me."

Foxy glared at me for a second before twitching his mouth into a wry grin. "You're not going to make this easy, are you?" he asked blandly.

"Oh, no no no…" I shook my head solemnly. "Nothing like that, nothing like that at _all."_ I allowed a glint of defiance to enter my expression. "I'm going to be gone _long_ before you can even conceive of labelling me as 'difficult'."

The Silver Fox's grin widened into one of malevolent amusement for a second before snapping his fingers. "Porche."

"Yes, Boss?" the diva asked.

"Take Cross back to the Sexy Foxy, get him dressed and get him a bunk. Ah, and…" He stopped her when she started to walk towards the ship, his gaze never leaving me. "Make it a good bunk, at that. After all, we want our newest recruit to be nice and… comfortable."

She stared at Foxy for a moment before grinning and nodding in understanding. "You got it, Boss." She then gestured at me to follow her, and I did so without question, following her to the titanic beast that this crew called a ship.

"Just for the record," I spoke up as we walked. "I get that the mask thing is a part of the dress code, but you're really going to have to pull out all the stops if you're going to put one on me."

 **-o-**

"…Alright, I'll admit it," I mused as I fingered the mask over my face. "I am impressed. This does _not_ look half-bad."

"You honestly think we got this many crewmates _without_ figuring out how to make the uniforms work for everyone?" Porche giggled.

I shrugged in acceptance as I took in my appearance; temporary though I had absolutely no doubt that it was, I had to admit that if it _was_ necessary, I could damn well get used to it. I honestly never thought that I'd be caught dead wearing a hoodie with fox ears of all things, much less a mask sewn into the hood, but there I was wearing a dark gray one with orange highlights and a pair of trackpants to match. Honestly, I think the most impressive bit was how they'd managed to work it so that I could still keep my cap on, even in spite of the mask.

Once I was done with my inspection, I gave Porche a satisfied nod. "Very nice, I think I'll hang on to it when I go back to the Strawhats."

Without warning, Porche's good mood evaporated into a childish pout. "You don't _have_ to be so eager about returning to your friends, you know. After all, you don't need to worry about being split up. The Boss isn't going to stop playing the Back Fight with your crew until we have you all, so all you need to do is wait and you'll all be back together again."

"You're only half-right, Porche," I said casually. "The odds of your crew winning the next game are very slim, but not zero. But the odds of your captain managing to beat mine? Well…" I shrugged casually. "Compare their reactions to talking to the strongest man in the world, and _tell me_ that you don't believe my captain is the better one."

I smirked at her as her pout deepened into something like anger. "Let me put it to you this way: the sole reason I exist in this world—the reason I came into this world in the first place, this world of piracy—is so that I could sail under the flag of Monkey D. Luffy, who _is_ Gold Roger's successor. And nothing, short of _death_ , will stop me from getting back to him."

Porche's anger faltered, and she stared at me with wide eyes for a few seconds. "… Nobody else has ever been that bold," she muttered in awe. Then her demeanor switched again to something… I dunno, it just seemed _woah she was close!_

"But, you know, you should try opening your mind to the possibilities. You never know what you could be missing out on," she crooned, rubbing up against me _and that was a hand hell no!_

I backed away as far as I could and fumbled for my baton, before realizing that Usopp still had it, prompting me to switch tactics. "Oookay… quick question: are _you_ truly dedicated to the pirate life? To the point of putting your life on the line?"

Porche blinked at me before smiling. "Of course I am. Hamburg and I joined the Boss of our own free will, we knew and know what this life's risks are."

"Good, perfect, glad to hear that, I really am, because that means you have no right to complain about the following statement." I grabbed her collar and yanked her close, so that she could _not_ mistake the deadly expression on my face. " _Try that shit with me again and I will ram that icepick you call a nose right back into your_ brain."

Porche immediately stiffened, blinking at me in surprise before adopting a neutral and entirely unafraid expression and crossing her arms. "Huh. So, you actually _are_ a decent human being."

It took me a second to fully process what she was saying, but once I did I let my face fall blank as I released her and took a step back. "And _you_ actually have a brain in your head, and _this_ was most likely a test you do on all new recruits."

We stared flatly at each other for a moment before I extended my hand. "Truce?"

"Truce." She shook my hand in agreement before pointing her thumb over her shoulder. "Come on, I'll show you to the bunk section you'll be sleeping in. East Blue, right?"

"Eh," I waved my hand side to side as I followed her. "Mind if I check out your library if you have one instead? I won't be staying long, so I wanna get some reading in before Round Two starts… When _does_ that start, anyway?"

"Two hour intermission so that everyone can unwind and have some fun," Porche promptly answered with a grin. "We love our Back Fights. And sure, it's this way." She turned down a corridor. "Though fair warning, this means that there's a good chance your old crew will take the good bunks once they join."

"You wi~ish," I sang casually.

A minute of navigating the ship's insanely circuitous corridors later, she let me into a _highly_ impressive library. Not Sunny standards, no, but definitely impressive nonetheless.

"Damn…" I whistled in awe as I took in the shelves of books. "Whatever the hell you're paying your shipwrights, it's _nowhere_ near enough."

"Yeah, yeah…" Porche muttered from the doorway before heaving a sigh. "Alright, Cross, look, I really don't think I should be doing this considering how deep in denial you are, but there's a… policy we Foxy Pirates have you should be aware of."

"Huh?" I glanced back at her in confusion. "You mean besides the masks?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, besides the masks." She then held up a finger. "All new crewmates get one chance to cheat."

Now _that_ brought me up short. "Come again?"

"One. Chance. To cheat," Porche slowly repeated. "You have the option, in this Back Fight and this Back Fight alone, to try and sabotage our crew as we proceed to defeat your old one. If you try and pull anything at any other point, then it _will_ be considered mutiny and you will suffer the consequences, but today?" She raised one finger to emphasize it. "You get one free pass."

I blinked several times as I processed that. "…Foxy actually allows that?"

Porche huffed as she turned away. "The _Boss,"_ she said, emphasizing the title. "Isn't a sadist. This is a mercy he gives new recruits. One last glimmer of hope, one last chance to leave." She waved her hand casually. "Of course, it's never actually worked because we're _just_ that good, but it's the thought that counts. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to reload my baton. I'll get you when it's time for Round Two."

"See you then," I returned politely. With that, we parted, she heading to another part of the ship and me browsing the shelves and taking in what the Foxy Pirates had to offer. It looked like he had a few good minds on his crew from what I saw: plenty of medical and history books, blueprints for the ship, even a few good fantasy novels I'd have to see if I could borrow.

I had browsed over pretty much every section in the library before one book in particular caught my eye: one with the Foxy Pirates' Jolly Roger on the front. One glance at the inside of the cover confirmed my suspicions: it was the crew's logbook.

I glanced around for a second before shrugging and flipping the book open. After all, what harm could a little bit of background knowledge do? I'd probably just read about their origins for a minute or two and then move on.

Thirty minutes later, I was thoroughly engrossed in the book, intently absorbing every detail I could manage.

I didn't even look up as a finger tapped my shoulder. "Hey, Cross, any clue where I can find the reference books?"

I absentmindedly raised a finger and pointed to the left. "That way, I think. I saw an index thataways if it helps."

"That works. Thanks, Cross."

"Anytime, Nami."

Ten seconds later, I glanced up from the book with a mutter of "The hell…?" but a quick glance around showed me to be completely alone, so I shrugged and returned to my reading.

An hour later, I closed the book and set it down, my eyes wide and my mind awhirl as I connected the dots I'd found in that book with what I myself knew. The picture that it all depicted, about this crew, about the Davy Back Fights… this… this changed _everything._

Or, well, maybe not everything, but it sure as hell gave me something to think about.

Said thoughts were then interrupted by the sound of the library's door opening. "Round Two's starting, come on!" Porche called.

"Ah," I glanced at the logbook for a second before heading towards her voice. "C-Coming!"

 **-o-**

I surreptitiously ghosted through the rowdy crowd of pirates as I made my way towards the Groggy Ring, dodging through the writhing throng of the crowd as I tried to make myself as inconspicuous as possible. As I went, I subtly swiped a number of clothing articles from the more inebriated and distracted members of the Foxy Pirates. A scarf here, a trenchcoat there, a pair of oversized boots from… _somewhere_ , though the smell _really_ guaranteed that I didn't want to know, and finally a rather elaborate mask that was most likely for show that a vendor was handing out.

Once I had what I needed, I made a beeline for the nearest alleyway between stalls I could find. I took a second to glance around and confirm that I was completely alone before donning the clothes I'd collected over my hoodie, in a manner that I _really_ hoped would obscure my identity from anyone who saw me. Thankfully, the size of the crew and the fact that they were a _Grand Line_ crew, at that, maximized the odds that my plan would succeed.

With the disguise in place, I emerged and walked back towards the ring, looking around until, grinning, I spotted the Foxy Pirates' referee. I planned to make good use of that one free cheat I had, and so I approached him.

"Soundbite, if you're listening, I need you to disguise my voice," I muttered under my breath. "And don't worry, I won't get in trouble if I get caught, just do it."

" **Done** ," came a whisper in my ear.

" _Hello, hello, hello,"_ I muttered in a deep bass voice before nodding firmly. " _Thanks."_

" _SEE YOU_ _ **soon, PARTNER."**_

" _With any luck. Hey, ref!"_ I growled out, clapping my hand on his shoulder. " _Don't turn around and listen. Boss told me to pass a message on to you incognitus-like: when the order for a Groggy Burger comes up, use the red card."_

"Wha—? Are you _nuts!?"_ the masked referee hissed out of the corner of his mouth.

" _Hey, man, I think it's nuts too, I'm just following orders,"_ I grumbled. " _All he said was that he wants the Straw Hats to think that we're playing fair. Put them in a false sense of security, get that monster of a Captain to drop his guard. They came too close to winning the last game, we need to keep_ everyone _guessing if we don't want them to win. Got it?"_

The ref ground his teeth for a second before nodding slowly. "Alright… Alright, I'll do it. But if this blows up, I'm telling him that it was _your_ idea, got it?"

" _Hey, I get it,"_ I shrugged casually. " _Sea King eat Sea King world, we all do what we gotta do to survive. All I'm doin' is relayin' the boss's orders, a'right?"_

"Ergh… yeah, alright."

" _Perfect. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got a date with a litre o' grog."_ And with that, I slid back into the crowd, dropping my disguise piece by piece as I went.

If I had things my way, I'd then be standing by my crew as an added show of defiance. But, as it stood, I had no doubt that Foxy would be watching me like a hawk so that he could stop my one free cheat before it got out of hand. So, with resignation, I elected to stand by the man. I was just glad that I knew what I did now, or I don't think I would have been able to stand it.

"Ah good, you're here," Foxy said as I walked up, not taking his eyes off my crew. "Enjoy the tour of your new ship?"

I shrugged indifferently. "Eh, it was alright. Personally, I'm kinda iffy on the name and I can only imagine that the boobytraps are an absolute nightmare to navigate, so honestly?" I shot him a cheeky grin. "I'm eager to get back to the Merry. I _will_ be keeping the clothes though."

Foxy snorted and shook his head. "Don't get your hopes up, Cross."

I tipped the brim of my hat down in response. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch, _Captain."_

Foxy scowled briefly before looking at Itomimizu and waving his hand.

The wide-mouth apparently took that as a sign to start, and climbed up to the top of a hastily constructed tower. I blinked before noticing that Chuchun was currently wrapped up in bandages, with Chopper conspicuously close by. I couldn't help but snicker at the sight.

"Aaaaalright, ladies and gentlemen! The wait is over, it's time for Round Two of the Davy Back Fight, the Groggy Ring! Now presenting the lineup for this match's teams! On the Straw Hat Pirates' team: First Mate 'Pirate Hunter' Roronoa Zoro! The lady-loving chef of iron, Sanji! And the leader of the ship's guard force, Boss Dugong!"

Looking at the trio, Sanji and Boss were both posing for the audience, while Zoro was rolling his eyes but staying silent.

"And, on the Foxy Pirates' team, the legendary Groggy Monsters! The leader, co-first mate and heavy-hitter, Hamburg! The bulky 'Tackle Machine', Pickles! And the fishman-giant hybrid, Big Pan!"

The trio basked in the attention they received as they marched onto the field, posing and grandstanding confidently.

"Now, for the game's rules! Each team must have one player acting as the ball…"

At that point, I stopped listening; the rules were nothing more than a review for me. Instead, I observed Pickles and Big Pan for a second before looking curiously at Foxy "Where the heck did you get the bigger two, anyway? I won't ask about Hamburg because if there's a pool it means that if you know then you're not talking, but them…" I waved my hand in their vague direction. "Just curious is all."

Foxy blinked in surprise, but shrugged and began to answer. "Eh, it's no big secret for those two. Pickles joined after one of my first wins against the Full-Frontal Assault Pirates. Real nasty bunch, led by a berserker with an Elephant Zoan. He was actually lucky, because we got word that they were annihilated by Marines about a month or two later. He was rough around the edges at first and his Giant's blood—that's where his size comes from, you see—didn't help matters, but he and Hamburg eventually bonded and he's been a big help in the Ring ever since. But as for Big Pan, well…" His expression darkened. "You've established yourself as rather world-savvy; would the name 'Sabaody Archipelago' say enough for you?"

I promptly fought to suppress my gag reflex as my eyes shot to the hybrid's hands. "Enough to know that those gloves aren't covering his wrists for nothing."

"Mmph," Foxy grunted in agreement. "He cost me a pretty penny, but I don't regret it." His gaze slowly drifted over his shoulder so that he was looking back at his men. "I never do."

Porche leaned around her boss and pointed an accusing finger at me. "And he means that whether they agree to join or not, so don't get any ideas!"

I held up my hands in defense. "Fair enough, fair enough."

"And that's the game!" Ito capped off confidently.

"Ah, finally!" Foxy leered eagerly. "Now then, just be patient. With any luck, you'll be much more comfortable once you have your snail back. And I'll even do you the favor of removing that misplaced label for him so that you can both go back if your captain pulls off a miracle and beats me! Though really, _that_ notion is simply preposterous! Fehfehfehfeh!"

Aaand my respect for him hit rock bottom again.

"Now then," Itomimizu continued eagerly. "We are only moments away from the beginning of the Second Round! All we're waiting for now is the whistle, and—!"

 _WHOOSH!_

" _GAH!"_ Itomimizu cut himself off with a panicked yelp when he was suddenly buffeted by an intense wind that came out of absolutely nowhere. And he was far from the only one affected; all at once, a massive windstorm swept over the playing field, throwing everyone off-balance.

We barely had time to process that before the wind brought with it an unexpected byproduct: an absolutely _massive_ —and for some reason, _pink_ —fog that shrouded the entire playing field. I was barely able to discern my mummified hand in front my face, and the tumult around me gave the impression that everyone else was having equal difficulty.

 _Then_ the wind began blowing agai…wait, no. It wasn't forceful, this time, it was just flat-out _loud._ Howling and… roaring… wait a second…

"Soundbite?" I whispered beneath my breath.

" **Did you really** _ **think we would TAKE THIS SHIT**_ _LYING DOWN?"_ an indignant medley of voices scoffed in my ear. "THEY WANT TO PLAY DIRTY, _that's their problem. BUT WHEN THEY TAKE_ _ **ONE OF OURS… we fight**_ **BLOODY.** _ **OBSERVE."**_

And with that, as fast as the fog swept over field, it dispersed just as swiftly, unveiling a scene that could only be described as absolute _carnage_. Hamburg had been beaten akin to his namesake, Pickles looked to have been put through a blender, and Big Pan looked as though… well, frankly, he looked as though the Monster Trio had ganged up on him, with a few Sea Kings having enthusiastically joined the fun for good measure. Simply put, the Groggy Monsters were out cold while Zoro, Sanji, and Boss were all standing tall, completely and utterly unscathed and looking as nonchalant as cats lazing in a sunbeam. Or at least, as nonchalant as they could be while they were covered head to toe in blood spatter.

Which was actually pretty disturbingly nonchalant, now that I thought about it.

For a moment, there was complete silence; everyone on the Foxy Pirates, myself included, just gaped at the development as we tried to come to grips with _what the hell had just happened_. About a minute later, Foxy recovered enough to speak… or rather, roar and point at Luffy.

"FOUL! You cheated!"

"Eh? No, we didn't," Luffy stated as he cleaned his ear, his voice bland and bored as though he were saying the sky were blue.

"Yes, you did!"

"No, we didn't," Luffy replied in the same bored tone.

"I'M LOOKING AT IT RIGHT—!"

"Ah, excuse me, Mister Fox?"

" _WHAT!?"_ Foxy yelled as he snapped his gaze to the person who'd spoken up.

Vivi, for her part, was entirely unfazed by the captain's fuming demeanor, smiling pleasantly without a care in the world. "I'm sorry for interrupting, Mr. Fox, but you see, I'm afraid that there's simply no means through which to determine the identity of your team's assailants. After all…" The princess waved her hand in the air. "That fog obscured everything, and that wind was so _frightfully_ loud, I'm afraid that there just weren't any witnesses whatsoever."

The split-headed pirate sputtered indignantly for a second before stamping his foot. "But _you're_ the ones who caused the fog in the first place!"

Vivi blinked and pointed at herself with a look of innocent confusion. "Me?"

"HER, DAMN IT!" Foxy snapped his finger up to point at Nami, who was whistling innocently as she swung her hips back and forth. "SHE CAN CONTROL THE WEATHER, WE'VE ALL SEEN IT!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that that's _just_ not possible," Vivi lamented in a tone I _swear_ was honestly apologetic.

"EVERYBODY SAW HER FORM A FREAKING TYPHOON EARLIER!"

"Oh, yes, yes, that's true, that's true…" Vivi raised her hands placatingly. "But you see, as adept as Nami is with her Clima-Tact, she still has her limits. Currently, all she is capable of are minor cantrips like lightning or that storm earlier. While I _suppose_ our navigator could have hypothetically conjured that wind we felt, I'm afraid that that level of fog is simply out of her grasp. And if Nami didn't do it, then…"

Vivi shook her head with a helpless shrug. "Well, I'm afraid I just don't know what to tell you, Mr. Fox. What else do you propose? That someone, what, _magically_ conjured up a bank of fog from nowhere in the space of mere seconds?" Vivi chuckled daintily into her fist. "Why, how positively absurd."

As Foxy spluttered, his attention entirely on the main mass of our crew, I noticed Chopper digging in his bag behind one of the fair tents. He was working hastily; so hastily that a smoking test tube suddenly fell out of his bag without warning. He promptly made to grab for the vial before it could touch the ground, but flailed his hoof with a pained expression the second he touched it, sending the glass container flying. Thankfully, Carue had noticed the incident and was there waiting when the tube arrived, and managed to grab it with a wing… at which point he promptly started flailing his wings and playing a game of hot potato with himself as he hopped from foot to foot.

"What the heck…?" I muttered under my breath.

"CHOPPER _calls it_ _ **Cherry Blossom Haze,"**_ Soundbite softly explained. " _PERSONALLY,_ _ **I would have**_ **GONE WITH** _ **Hazy Shade of Winter,**_ _but eh, WHAT CAN I_ **say?** _ **HE'S GOT A THEME**_ _and I_ WON'T BEGRUDGE **hi—BWAHAHAHA** _hoohoohoo_ HEEHEEHEE!"

I blinked in confusion when Soundbite suddenly trailed off into raucous laughter before looking back at Carue. Oddly enough, the vial he was juggling was long gone and he was standing at attention, gaze locked dead ahead and his wings folded at his side. For some reason there was cold sweat starting to collect on his brow, but for the life of me I couldn't tell what was—wait, was that _smoke_ coming out of his nos—?

 _FWOMP_!

I hastily clamped my hands over my mouth to muffle my snorting laughter. And it was _hard_ when I was staring at a Carue that was bloated up into a balloon, smoky fog oozing out of his clamped beak and tears streaming down his cheeks. It was all I could do to keep from falling on my knees, and the sight of Carue speeding off out of sight once he got enough wherewithal in his head to do so didn't help. But when a massive geyser of smoke pierced the heavens alongside an avian howl of agony, I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I burst out, falling to the ground laughing.

"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!" roared a red-faced Foxy, looking away from a suddenly-panicked Vivi and failing to notice an equally freaked-looking Chopper.

"C-C-Carue just ate one of Chopper's Anti-Luffy Spice Bombs by accident!" I lied around my hysterical laughter. "Y-You should have seen his face! PFFHAHAHAHAHA!"

Chopper's concern melted into thoughtfulness, clearly considering the potential of what I had just said, and Vivi's expression changed into a different sort of concern. "Chopper, can you hurry after him and give him the antidote?" she asked quickly. The reindeer snapped back to reality, nodded, and sped off in his Walk Point. Vivi sighed before turning her attention back to Foxy. "Now, what were you saying, Mister Fox?"

"I WAS SAYING THAT EVEN IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY WITNESSES, IT'S _BLATANTLY_ CLEAR THAT YOUR CREW DID THIS!" Foxy spat.

"Really? How so?" Vivi asked innocently.

"HOW SO? Oh, where to begin?! How about the slash marks—?!"

"You confiscated Zoro's swords before the game began; if anything, that only reinforces the fact that we _didn't_ do it."

Back where she was swaying on her feet, Nami's _absolutely innocent_ whistling amped up a few decibels while Foxy's face grew redder. "Ggh—! And the fact that they aren't harmed at all—?!"

"Says that whatever attacked your crew must have been wise enough not to attack ours."

Foxy's face became downright _purple_. "FOR THE LOVE OF JONES HIMSELF, THEY'RE COVERED IN BLOOD!" He snapped his finger up when Vivi started to speak. "AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU!"

"Then perhaps you'll hear it from me?" Boss spoke up from where he was still standing, casually pulling a puff from his cigar.

Steam snorted out of Foxy's nose as he glared daggers at the dugong. "I would _love_ to hear your explanation for this."

"It's quite simple, really." Boss took his cigar out of his mouth and casually tapped off the ash. "While the fog obscured the field, we decided to eat some steak, and so we did."

You could _hear_ the crickets chirping in the resounding silence that followed that statement.

"… I'm sorry, I _must_ have heard you wrong, could you repeat that?" Foxy said in a voice of strained calm.

"We. Ate. Steaks," Boss repeated, slowly and clearly. "To elaborate, under the cover of the fog, we decided to leave the field, we hunted down an animal, we slaughtered it, and then we ate it. Raw. Like _men."_

Foxy's eye started twitching viciously as he ground his teeth back and forth. "You mean you want to pretend that you hunted an animal in this _god-forsaken_ prairie, ate it, and then returned in a little under _five minutes?"_

"Yes, yes, I know that it _sounds_ ludicrous, I realize that," Boss waved his hands in a soothing gesture. "But! But, I have a valid explanation that I believe all will find to be both concise _and_ logical."

"And what would that be?" Foxy snarled, sheer _contempt_ dripping from his every word.

"Simplicity itself, my good man," Boss huffed matter-of-factly as he bit back into his cigar. "We're badasses." He promptly raised his flippers into the air, which Zoro and Sanji proceeded to high five without even looking.

Foxy failed to formulate a reply for that, at which point Vivi tapped him on his shoulder. _That_ caused him to bellow out a furious "WHAT!?"

Vivi blinked and slowly dug a finger through her ear before responding. "Alright, first? _Loud,_ and I live with the loudest snail in the world, so that's really saying something. And second?" She spread her hands helplessly. "I'm afraid that the fact of the matter is that regardless of the details of _how_ your 'Groggy Monsters' got assaulted in such a way, it doesn't really change the outcome."

"Outcome? What outcome!?" Porche demanded incredulously.

Vivi slowly turned her head to smile at the diva, and by smile, I mean a Robin-grade give-Sea-Kings-existential-dread _**smile.**_ "Why, the fact that you've unequivocally lost the second round of the Davy Back Fight, of course."

The silence that resulted was as loud and boisterous as any Sea King. Heck, it was so quiet that the 'caw caw caw' of a crooooooooooooooooooooooow flying overhead was heard by all.

I glanced upwards at the passing bird. "Huh, so that's actually a thing here."

" _What,"_ Foxy hissed, his voice sounding straight-up _possessed._

"Well, of _course_ you've lost, Foxy," Vivi said as though it were the most obvious thing in the world as she started digging through her pockets. "It's quite clearly stipulated in the, ergh, rules, damn it, where did I—? Ah-hah!" Vivi finally yanked a piece of paper from her pocket, holding it up in triumph. "There we go! Now then, let's see here…"

Vivi took out a pair of reading glasses I knew for a _fact_ that she didn't need and held them before her eyes as she analyzed the paper. "As dictated in Chapter 1, Section B, Sub-section 24, paragraph 16 of the 7th Edition Official Davy Back Fight Rulebook, and I _quote, 'if at any point after the selection of the teams, a member of any given team is rendered unable to participate, said team must continue without that player. Should all members of the team be rendered incapable of participation, then the match is automatically forfeited.'"_ Vivi primly removed the glasses and shut them with a _click._ "End quote."

The rapidfire rustling of paper drew attention over to Itomimizu, who was tearing through the pages of a massive tome in a blind panic. After a few seconds of searching, the wide-mouth stopped on a specific page and began tracing his finger down the paper, frantically muttering to himself before suddenly jerking back with a gasp of shock. "S-SHE'S RIGHT!"

"I KNOW SHE'S RIGHT, YOU MORON, I KNOW THAT BOOK BY HEART!" Foxy roared. "WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS WHERE THE _HELL_ SHE GOT HER HANDS ON A COPY!"

I was forced to bite down on my tongue in order to restrain my laughter when Nami's whistling amped up _even louder._

"Those details are irrelevant and immaterial, Mister Fox," Vivi hummed in a tone of voice that was only borderline civil. "All that matters now are the facts of the situation at hand, which are hence: the members of the team you selected are in no state to play. Without any members, you don't have a team. Without a team, you cannot participate in Round Two. And because you cannot participate in Round Two, you forfeit by default. In summary, _Mister_ Fox…"

" **YOU LOSE,"** the Voice of God sounded out with all the intensity of a death knell.

And once again, dead silence fell. But it lasted for all of one second before Foxy fell to his knees, making a sound like a leaking balloon. "… I've been beaten… at cheating… how…?" he mumbled through his depression.

Vivi held her pleasant smile as she knelt before the Captain, and slowly lifted his chin so that he was looking at her. "I just wanted to make sure you understood something, Mister Fox," she stated in a kind tone of voice. "This whole time, whether or not we cheated or played fair was entirely irrelevant. Do you know why?" She clapped his shoulder firmly. "Either way, you never stood a snowball's chance in the desert against us."

And with that, Vivi stood up, leaving Foxy to stare ahead in blank-eyed horror as she turned to address the equally-paralyzed ref. "Oh, Mister Referee~!" she sing-songed, snapping the man out of his shock. "If you would be so kind as to announce the verdict of this match, I would _very_ much appreciate it."

The ref shuddered fearfully as he snapped his gaze between her and Foxy. "I-I-I, uh, I-I d-don't—!"

Without a hint of warning, Vivi's expression suddenly shifted to a look that _screamed_ nothing short of cold-blooded murder. " _NOW."_

The ref jumped in terror and flailed for a second as he fumbled with the whistle he'd tossed in his panic before finally managing to grab hold of it with both of his shaking hands—

 _FWEEEEEEEEEEET!_

And announce our crew's unmitigated _victory._ And at that moment, the Straw Hats erupted in raucous celebration. I took the opportunity to strut over to Itomimizu and snag Chubby's microphone. "And, with the Foxy Pirates beaten at their own game of rules-lawyering, the Straw Hat Pirates steal the victory before the _notorious_ Groggy Monsters can do anything whatsoever! And now, it's time for the Straw Hats to choose which of the Foxy Pirates they want to take for their crew!"

I didn't spare any thought towards what they'd do; maybe if Luffy hadn't remembered what he did from Shanks, they would have considered stealing Foxy to win the last match by default. But as it was, Luffy wouldn't be cheated out of the whole reason he accepted this fight, especially with the added rage of me having gone briefly away, regardless of our well-placed confidence that I'd come back. So, there was really only one thing that they could say.

Buuut that didn't mean I wasn't going to milk this opportunity that I _knew_ I would never get again for all it was worth. "So, who will they choose? The emcee Itomimizu has quite a lot of character, and maybe they'd want to take him for his role in causing them to lose the last game! But, by that logic, they might want to choose the fast-swimming Monda, despite their inability to communicate two ways with the shark, or the much more appealing choice of Porche, the deceptively powerful and beautiful first mate! Or, I _suppose_ that I, Jeremiah Cross, could be a good choice."

Both crews were looking at me with equal parts exasperation and amusement as I started whistling nonchalantly. "Buuut, honestly, if I'm not chosen, I _suppoooose_ I could stay here for another—"

"SHUT UP AND COME BACK, CROSS!" Luffy cheered joyously.

"Somebody cut this ugly-ass mask out of my hood right this instant before I rip it out with my bare hands!" I announced as I marched back to my _real_ crew, pushing the hood of my hoodie away from my face. "Leave the ears though, I like 'em."

"I have to admit, I like them too," Su remarked.

" **THAT ain't** _saying MUCH,"_ Soundbite cackled ecstatically.

"Damn straight!" Leo snickered as he unsheathed one of his swords. "Now then, stay _veeery_ still, Cross…" He then moved his arm so fast it blurred, and the mask dropped away before my eyes.

I waved my hand before my face before sighing in relief. "Ah, now that's _much_ better. Only one thing missing now!" I held my hand up to Conis. "If you would do me the inestimable honor of snailing me, m'lady?"

Conis chuckled lightly at the display. "It would be my _honor,_ Cross." And with that, she tossed Soundbite over to me, and I caught the grinning snail easily before putting him back on my shoulder.

I rolled my shoulder with a contented sigh. "Ah, much better. I was _really_ missing this dead weight!"

" **And I was missing** MY FAVORITE _**mobile arm-chair!"**_ Soundbite snickered with his tongue stuck out.

"Heh. But you know, if I didn't enjoy anything else while I was there, I have to say that the Foxy Pirates have a _very_ interesting library," I said. "On the note of which… Soundbite, Gastro-Amp."

" _Gladly!"_ the snail chirped.

"In light of how clearly shocking this victory was," I drawled. "I propose that we initiate a two-hour break until the preparation for the final round of the Davy Back Fight. Are there any objections?" Nobody replied. "Good, two hours it is then." I moved my hand across my throat, and Soundbite stopped as I clapped my hands. "Now, let's get back to the Merry." I frowned solemnly as I eyed the Foxy's. "We need to do a bit of strategizing with what I found out."

An uneventful period of walking later, aside from Zoro and Sanji gladly resuming their rivalry and brawls, found us gathered around the Merry's table with walls of wood and sound blocking out any eavesdroppers. At that point, I turned to the crew. "Alright, first things first: that was _genius,_ you guys. I mean, I already had a cheat lined up, but it wasn't a surefire thing and had a good chance of flopping. You guys pulled off something better than I could before mine even triggered and for that…" I grinned goofily as I ran my hands through my hair beneath my hat. "Man, this means more to me then you can even imagine."

"Would you believe that it was all Soundbite's idea?" Chopper asked. "I guess some of your skills have rubbed off on him."

I raised my eyebrows and looked at the gastropod, who was grinning proudly. "…OK, are you telling the truth, or is some sort of bet going on that I'll actually buy that right away?"

"Both," several voices groused, fishing around in their pockets for bills and trading them around to several smug onlookers.

"I'M SMART, _Cross_ **IS** _ **smarter.**_ **Even if he** _ **DOESN'T ALWAYS**_ _ACT LIKE IT!"_

"Oh, shut up," I said good-naturedly before turning my attention to Vivi. "And I have to say, that 'frigid Stepford Smiler' act was… was _pure awesomeness_. First out-haggling Nami, now out-cheating Foxy? I suppose next you're going to out—"

"Cross," Luffy warned.

I raised my hands defensively. "Oh, fine, fine… Well, I guess we should hurry up and get to the serious stuff." I locked eyes with my captain. "Luffy, do you have any ideas in mind for what to do when you win the captain's fight? I mean, the way I saw it, you took their Jolly Roger and gave it to Tonjit, but I'm guessing you don't feel quite so inclined this time around."

Luffy frowned thoughtfully for a second, but in the end he nodded in agreement. "Yeah, you're right. If that bastard had actually hurt Shelly then I probably would have, but she's alright now, so…"

"That's what I thought," I nodded solemnly. "Then in that case, if you'll hear me out…" I looked around the room. "I'd like to suggest who we choose as our prize, as well as _how_ we go about it. Now!" I held my hands up hastily. "You're all going to think I'm absolutely _nuts_ and, believe me, I know that it's a nut-house grade crazy idea, but I honestly believe that this will benefit us in the long run."

"You and your long cons and high stakes gambles," Nami said, rolling her eyes. "I'm honestly impressed that you've managed to make me say that _twice_ now."

"Oh, come on, it can't be crazier than what he's done so far," Zoro said. "What's your idea, Cross?"

Before answering, I slid on my headphones and made sure that they were properly secured, because I sure as heck was going to need them.

Sadly, I… miscalculated somewhat, as ten seconds after I tendered my suggestion, I was struck by a barrage of pure muscle, as opposed to the barrage of sound I'd been expecting.

 **-o-**

Two hours later, I sank into a sitting position on the figurehead of the Foxy's ship with a groan, leaning my back back as I tried to relax. Freaking _hell,_ was that not pleasant.

"Hello, Cross," Ito sneered at me with a sidelong glance as he tapped his foot patiently keeping a distracted eye on the interim fight that was going on a few feet away from us. "Have a fun reunion with your crew?"

"Shut that damn bear trap you call a jaw and hand me that thermos of hot chocolate you're carrying, pencilneck," I growled as I held my hand out to him.

Itomimizu cocked his eyebrow in surprise before shrugging and tossing said thermos to me.

" _Ah…"_ Soundbite spoke up hesitantly as he glanced at the thermos. " **Think I could** _ **try some of—?"**_

"Go chug a salt shaker," I deadpanned.

" _FAIR NUFF."_

I started chugging the nice and scalding cocoa, relishing in how the burn of the liquid coursing down my throat obscured the _rest_ of the aches I was suffering from. And good God, was I suffering from a lot.

After I made my (admittedly insane-sounding) proposal, my dear, _dear_ friends and comrades had promptly put me through two. Whole. _Hours_ of what could best be described as a gauntlet of anti-brainwashing techniques, impostor trials and forced detoxification. I won't go into the details, for the sake of both my sanity and the sleep of decent folks everywhere, but suffice to say it was almost enough to make me reconsider the whole idea _just_ so that it would come to an end sooner. Thankfully, I managed to pass on the rationalization I had for my decision before the break time was up, though by that time I already felt like a tenderized steak.

One rigged cannon shot and ten minutes later, the majority of both our crews were situated in the stands that the Foxy's had constructed in order to watch the show go down. I was waiting on the ship's figurehead with a less-than-enthused Itomimizu so that we could make the introductions, while the rest of the crew sans Usopp, Luffy, and Sanji were up in the stands, looking forward to the upcoming match. Sanji was occupied with preparing the test I'd had in mind since Alabasta, while Usopp and Luffy were, of course, preparing for the match.

The Foxy Pirates were in a state of anticipation; they'd only barely managed to win the first round, and the second round ended before it started, so they were equal parts determined and nervous as they awaited the start of the final round, the only one that, according to them, they had never lost before. 920 Captain's Duels, 920 victories. Well, it looked like that perfect record was about to come to an end.

At last, Itomimizu took hold of Chubby's mic, having apparently received a signal, and I stood up and did the same with my transceiver.

 **-o-**

" _Don don don don!"_

 _SLAP!_

"YEOWCH!" Woop Slap yelped, shaking his hand out with an agonized grimace. "Damn it, Makino, will you please—!"

"No, _you_ listen to me, Mayor!" Makino snapped as she waved the ladle she was holding at him. "I might respect you, but this is _my_ bar and Bluey is _my_ snail, so it is _my_ decision, and this broadcast, however controversial it might be, is the most reliable source for information on Luffy's journey in the world. So, _no_ , Woop Slap, I will _not_ hang it up." She crossed her arms. "And why are you strident about not listening, anyway? The World Government's reaction? Need I remind you that those bastards are the self-same people who _killed_ Ace and Luffy's brother!?"

"And they'll do the same to us if we needlessly antagonize them!" Woop Slap snarled, slamming his cane on the bar to punctuate the point.

Makino's glare wavered for a second before she steeled herself and turned to her Transponder Snail. "That's a chance I'm willing to take." And with that, she turned around and picked up the receiver, already a ways into the broadcast.

"— _apologize for the sudden cut off, but there were complications beyond our control. You see, after we last left off, we did, in fact, barely lose to the Foxy Pirates on the Donut Race. As a result, one of ours was lost to the Foxy Pirates. More specifically…"_ The snail grimaced. "I _was briefly part of their crew."_

"Hmph. The rubber brat was too cocky, and paid the consequences."

 _THWACK!_

"Ow!" Woop Slap yelped and raised his hands defensively as the ladle raised again for another strike. "Alright, alright!"

" _But! Thankfully enough, via a_ total freak accident that no one could have predicted—" A distinct grumbling sound came over the connection, not sounding like Cross. " _The second round, known as the Groggy Ring, was over before it began, resulting in my return to my rightful place at my crew's side. And so, we now come to the_ real _event, the main reason that our captain accepted this most dangerous game in the first place: the Captains' Duel."_

Woop Slap was clearly struggling not to drop another snide remark, if the constipated grimace on his face was anything to go by. Luckily, another one of the bar's patrons did it for him.

"Aw, c'mon, Luffy! His face can't have been ugly enough to risk a crewmate to bash it in!"

Makino frowned, but found herself unable to provide a rationalization for that.

" _Now, as for those of you wondering why Luffy elected to take on this challenge, rather than simply bashing his face in right then and there? Well, as we've stated before, we don't kill our opponents… or at least, not in body. We beat them at their own game, on their own turf, and leave them alive to watch everything they have crumble around them. In short, Luffy accepted this challenge so that he could bring Foxy's world crashing down around his ears."_

" _FAT CHANCE OF THAT!"_ came the outraged voice of Itomimizu. " _Our captain has played this game nine hundred and twenty times, and won every single one of them!"_

" _Oh, yeah?"_ Cross drawled. " _Well, this will be Luffy's first and hopefully only Captain's Duel ever, and I guarantee you that he won't lose."_

"How about a toast to our champion?" Makino suggested over Itomimizu's incensed growling.

Woop Slap glowered, but accepted a glass with a sigh. "Fine. I might hate his career choice, but I certainly won't mind him beating up another pirate," he reluctantly admitted.

Makino started refilling glasses as Ito got his wits back about him. " _Well, either way, it looks like it's time for the fight to begin! First, entering from the left ear—!"_

" _Don't ask,"_ Cross deadpanned.

" _The man with a million plans! The champion of cheating! The undisputed king of the Davy Back Fight! The_ undefeated _victor of 920 duels! Weighing in at_ _24 Million, our captain and beloved boss, Foxy the Silver Fox!"_

A chorus of cheers and cries of adulation rang out, all to the tune what sounded like an entire brass band and topped by a confident " _FEH FEH FEH FEH!"_

" _Top that,_ " Ito scoffed cheekily.

" _Gladly. Now, then… Entering from the right ear…"_ Cross proclaimed as an energetic song started playing. " _Hailing from the East Blue, one of the most unique men alive! The Rubber-Brained Brawler, the Behemoth who always bounces back, the man who_ never _follows the plan, the son of a bitch who just doesn't know how or when to quit! Weighing in at a heaping_ _100 Million, our captain and the future King of the Pirates! MOOOONKEY D. 'STRAW HAT' LUUUUUFFYYYYY!"_

" _YEEEEEAAAAAAAH!"_

An even _louder_ chorus of cheers rang out this time, no doubt generated by the crew's snail, but the bar's patrons and its owner were content to knock back their shots to it nonetheless.

" _Wow!"_ Itomimizu yelped in shock. " _It would appear that for this fight, Straw Hat Luffy has decided to don an afro that's larger than life, and looks like it's got the personality to match!"_

The bar patrons promptly spat out their drinks at that particular statement and the image it conjured, though for a variety of reasons.

Woop Slap, for example, was furiously waving his cane in the air. "DAMN IT, LUFFY, CAN'T YOU GO TEN SECONDS WITHOUT EMBARRASSING THIS HUMBLE VILLAGE!? SHAME! SHAME ON YOUR WHOLE FAMILY! _SOMEONE MAKE A NOTE OF THIS!"_

Makino, meanwhile, didn't discipline the mayor for his words because she was too busy pounding the bar as she roared with laughter, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks.

 **-o-**

Vivi blinked slowly as she took in the spectacle before her, her expression carefully blank. "It's like watching Luffy eat…" she quietly breathed. "I know that it's horrific on a deep and basic level…" She slowly tilted her head to the side, her face never changing. "But I just can't bring myself to look away."

"So…" Conis asked, glancing between her friends as she pointed at her captain and his new head of hair. "I take it that this is _not_ normal on the Blue Seas?"

"It ish fow us, anyways…" Carue quacked as he munched down on wingful after wingful of popcorn.

"... I'm okay with this," Nami simply stated.

Zoro looked at her in surprise. "Seriously? Because these seem like the kind of antics that would set you off."

"About a month or so ago?" The navigator shrugged indifferently. "Maybe so. But after all we've been through? No, no, I'm… quite simply numb to it. Especially something as relatively tame as this."

Zoro looked unconvinced, but the sound of crying drew their attention and he dropped it. Navigator and swordsman glanced over to where Boss had been sitting to find him prostrated on the ground, tears streaming down his face.

"B-Boss!" his students cried, gathering around him in concern.

"Are you alright, Boss?!" "What's wrong?" "Are you hurt?" "I-Is this another Romance!?"

"No… No, my students, that object is no mere Romance…" the senior dugong breathed as he shook his head, tears glistening in his eyes. "What you see before you…" Boss suddenly shot to his tail, arms spread wide before the world. "WHAT YOU SEE IS NOTHING LESS THAN A MAN'S _MIRACLE!_ A HEAVENSENT SIGN INTENDED TO DO NOUGHT ELSE BUT TO BRING TO THE WORLD THE GOOD MESSAGE OF TESTOSTERONE AND ABSOLUTELY RIPPED ABS!"

"OH, BOSS!" the TDWS wept, flippers clasped together.

Boss then proceeded to point a 'finger' into the air. "AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I TOO SHALL DON THE AFRO, _FOR GREAT MANLI—!"_

 _THWACK!_

"AND _THAT'S_ WHERE I DRAW THE FUCKING LINE!" Nami raged, her Clima-Tact _still_ smoking from being cracked over the now-insensate Dugong's skull.

"BOSS, NO!" his students wept anew, this time out of misery.

Nami huffed and sat back in her seat, fuming silently as Luffy posed and grandstanded before she heaved a sigh of defeat. She was silent for a moment before smiling coyly and glancing to her left. "Well, everyone else might have gone mad, but at least _you're_ still sane, right, Sanji? … Sanji?" Nami turned to the cook in concern when she saw that he was hunched forwards and shivering violently. "Sanji, are you alri—?"

"SO FUNKY!" the cook roared with a _distinct_ accent as he shot to his feet without warning, fists raised to the heavens. "I CAN FEEL HIS JIVE LIGHTIN' A FIRE IN MY SOUL!"

"OH, COME ON!" Nami roared furiously.

" _AMEN, BROTHER SANJI!"_ Cross roared from the Sexy Foxy in the _exact_ same accent, where he was _clearly_ pointing at Sanji.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" the navigator roared at their tactician furiously, knowing _full well_ that he could hear her.

" _FEEL THE FUNK BLAZE THROUGH YOU LIKE A GREAT INFERNO, LIFTING YOUR SPIRITS EVER HIGHER, SO THAT YOUR SOULS MIGHT REACH THE GREAT HEAVENS!"_ Cross proclaimed as he grinned like an absolute madman. " _PRAISE BE TO THE AFRO! PRAISE BE TO THE JIVE! PRAISE BE TO THE_ FUNK, _THE RHYTHM AND THE RHYME_! CAN A BROTHER GET A HALLELUJAH?"

" **HALLELUJAH!"** Soundbite concurred through his ecstatic cackling, the words accompanied by a _blaring_ brass section.

" _Don't believe me, just watch!"_

The beat continued, most of the audience finding themselves bobbing their heads to the music.

" **HALLELUJAH!"** Soundbite belted out again.

" **HALLELUJAH!"** the crowd roared, Boss' voice rising above all others.

"Yeah, you go, gatemouth!" Su waved her tail eagerly. "Jive with the groove, stick it to the man, show your hep chops!" She then blinked in confusion. "I have no idea what the _hell_ I just said."

Back in the stands, Nami, face inscrutable, slowly eased her hand over to the loudly cheering Sanji, and then slipped it into his pocket. She was just lifting his lighter out when a hand blossomed out of Sanji's side and gently pushed it back in. "Nooooo," Robin hummed in a kind tone without so much as looking at Nami.

"But it would feel _sooo_ good…" Nami whined childishly.

"I know, sweetie, I know."

 **-o-**

"Don't turn around. Don't turn around. Don't turn around, don't you _dare_ turn around," Hina muttered feverishly to herself.

She was determinedly focusing her attention on anything _but_ the raucous cheering behind her, dancing along to the beat from the snail. Jango and Fullbody were expected. The rest of her crew, she supposed she should have expected to crack sooner or later. But she had higher standards. She was more professional than this. She would _not_ look at the party that was going on behind her, despite how tempted she was to do so. She would not allow herself to move to the music, despite how _very_ tempted she was to do so. She _would not—_

" _ **HALLELUJAH!"**_ roared the snail.

" _HALLELUJAH!"_ she echoed along with the rest of the people onboard. She instantly clapped a hand to her mouth in shock. She held it there for a few seconds before her eyes narrowed.

"…Damn you, Cross, Smoker is never going to let me hear the end of this," she ground out. And then, bidding farewell to her sanity, she turned around and let the funk sweep her away.

 **-o-**

Around her eleventh pizza, eighth burger, and sixteenth bowl of noodles of the day, Jewelry Bonney of the Bonney Pirates was struggling to keep from choking. The amount of food was no problem for her, she could eat twice her weight within an hour with a good supply and not slow down a bit. No, the problem came from the snail that she was currently listening to. How?

Because though her appetite refused to be sated, she simply could not hold back her laughter at what was happening with the Straw Hat Pirates. Only they could pull off something as ridiculous as this, _only them._

" _Hahaha, ahhh man, I am going to catch_ such _hell for that once this is over and done with…"_ Cross snickered, no doubt wiping a tear out of his eye. " _Well, that was fun, but I think we've delayed enough! Gentlemen, or whatever the hell is appropriate in this instance—man, I have wanted to say this for a_ long _time. Soundbite, appropriate echoing effects, please?"_

" _Go for it,_ MISTER **BUFFER!"**

" _LLLLET'S GET READY TO_ _ **RRRRUMBLLLLLLLLE!"**_

Bonney had to redouble her efforts not to choke as she moved the massive ham on the table to get it in a better position. She pulled the roast pig closer, too.

 **-o-**

Itomimizu stared at me in awe. "…Alright, wow. That was _perfect_. I need to use that one from now on."

"Good luck getting the R and L right without Soundbite," I snickered.

The Foxy announcer wilted for a moment before rallying and resuming his commentary. "Alright! All seconds out of the ring!" As Usopp and the other Foxy Pirates exited and we boarded the revitalized Chuchun, he recapped the rules of the fight while I whispered some last minute advice to my captain. No way of knowing how much he'd listen, but we'd have to wait and see.

"Davy Back Fight! Final Round! Foxy the Silver Fox! Versus! Straw Hat Luffy! The clash between two captains, the fates of their crews are in their hands!" Itomimizu concluded. I exchanged glances, and then grins with him and Soundbite.

"LET THE GAME… BEEEEE-GIIIIIN!" the three of us chorused.

- **o-**

The floating restaurant of Takoyaki 8 was currently experiencing the most intense rush it had had in its short time of being an active business.

"Hachin, we need more sake!" called a certain mermaid, scrambling about the remarkably cramped restaurant boat.

"And twelve more orders of Takoyaki!" said a certain talking starfish.

"And two hard-boiled eggs!" came a call from one of the patrons in an Italian accent.

"And two hard-boiled eggs!" the starfish added.

A _HONK!_ came from the direction of the patrons.

"Make that three hard-boiled eggs!" Pappug hastily corrected.

"Nyu, I'm going as fast as I can! I only have so many hands!"

"And I can only swim so fast!"

" _You_ have eight hands and _you're_ the fastest thing under the sea!"

" _That's still not enough!"_ the mermaid and fishman chorused.

And what drew this unprecedented swarm of customers? Quite simple, really: the presence of a few Transponder Snails and the deployment of several floating table-extensions had transformed Takoyaki 8 from a mere stand into the Blue Seas' first floating, mobile sports bar. And today's main attraction? None other than the epic duel between a pirate that most present had never heard of before today and a pirate that anyone within ten miles of a Transponder Snail would have learned of in the last month.

" _And they're off! Luffy starts off with his trademark Gum-Gum Pistol, and—"_ Cross' voice began.

" _And with impressive agility, the Boss dodges and paralyzes Straw Hat's outstretched arm with his Slow-Slow Beam!"_ Itomimizu said eagerly. " _It looks like the bigger they are, the harder they fall! The more he extended himself, the harder he'll trip when the beam's effects wear off!"_

"Come on, Straw Hat!" called one table.

"Get 'im, trickster!" called another.

And somehow, both of them had followings among the listeners, who were putting away food faster than the kitchen could acquire and cook ingredients.

"More orders!" Pappug exclaimed, slapping the tickets toward the two workers as fast as his short limbs allowed him to. "Four batches of calamari and three batches of cuttlefish!"

"And two hard-boiled eggs!" came the Italian voice again.

"And two hard-boiled eggs!" Pappug repeated.

 _HONK!_

"Make that three hard-boiled eggs!"

"When did our menu expand beyond takoyaki anyway, nyu?!" Hachi demanded, flipping, frying, and flinging so fast that his hair started to flop down over his face.

"When we got so many customers that I couldn't gather all the ingredients we needed fast enough, so I gathered other things instead!" Keimi responded, frantically handing off the ingredients before diving down for more.

" _Aaand there it is. Luffy's left lying on the ground, and Foxy's about to fire his beam again. Luffy jumps to avoid it, and—"_

" _And the Boss pulls off a brilliant bluff, and fires his beam in the air instead! And here comes his signature attack, the Nine-Tailed Rush! The boss pummels his target with blow after blow, and when the thirty seconds are up, every hit goes through at once!"_

"Whoa, that power has some serious potential," said one patron.

"It still can't beat a rubber man, blunt blows can't hurt him!" countered another.

"Nyu, Straw Hat may still be in trouble. Trickery is his weak spot," Hachi mused, not pausing in his work even as Keimi resurfaced, the mermaid starting to get a little out of breath.

"Alright, one more order and we've got all the patrons satisfied for now! Eight crab cakes, on the double!" Pappug called.

"And two hard-boiled eggs!"

"And two hard-boiled eggs!"

 _HONK!_

"Make that three hard-boiled eggs!"

… _Honk!_

"And one duck egg!"

"WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET A DUCK EGG OUT HERE?!" Keimi raged.

"Good point. Sir, would a duck-fish egg be an acceptable substitute?"

 _Ho-Honk!_

"Make that one duck-fish egg!"

"Now _that's_ a sane request! Thank you!" Keimi nodded before diving back into the water.

"I'm going to need more employees if this is going to become a regular thing," Hachi moaned, hastening to prepare the dishes for the backed-up kitchen. To his credit, he was making decent progress.

" _And Luffy's sent flying off the ship, but now comes the benefit of being made of rubber! Besides the immunity to lightning, but that story's already told and hopefully will never come into play again. Now, here he comes, getting back on the deck, and—"_

" _And falling right into another one of the Boss's traps!"_

"… _Well, ladies and gentlemen, as much as I hate to say that my fellow commentator is right—"_

" _HEY!"_

"— _I'm afraid he is in this case. Luffy just managed to narrowly dodge a bullet, or rather an un-Slow-Slow'd barrage of arrows, as it were. Given how much Foxy is warping this fight in his favor, I'd say that this demonstrates quite clearly the inherent capabilities of Devil Fruits. There are no weak powers, only weak users. Case in point: Foxy has just used his Slow-Slow Fruit to set up a floating minefield of projectiles. Arrows, bombs, cannonballs, daggers, everything from A to Z, and he's the only one that knows how long they'll stay slow."_

" _It's just our good luck that the arena was our ship where all of those weapons are!"_

" _Good wuck my feathewed yellow wump!"_ came Carue's grumbling voice, inciting snickers from most of the listeners, including the employees.

"Got the crabs!" Keimi called out as she resurfaced with a writhing net held over her head. "Alright, now let's get rid of this rush!"

"And two hard-boiled eggs!" called the patron.

"And two hard-boiled eggs!" echoed Pappug.

 _HONK, HONK, HO-HO-HONK HONK HONK, HO-HO-HONK, HO-HO-HONK HONK HONK, HO-HO-HONK,_ _ **HO-ONK!**_

"It's either foggy out, or make that _twelve_ more hard-boiled eggs," Pappug remarked.

Hachi and Keimi groaned as they got back to work.

 **-o-**

" _ **Eesh, and I thought**_ _FOXY'S NARCISSISM WAS BAD_ BEFORE, BUT BOMBS SHAPED **LIKE HIS OWN head?** _ **THAT'S JUST—!"**_

 _WHAM!_

" _GAH!"_ Luffy cried out in pain.

" **HOLY SHIT!"**

"What the hell!?" Boodle sat up in his seat, staring at the Transponder Snail as it coughed in Luffy's voice, accompanied by a gout of blood. "But Luffy's a rubber-man, and the previous punches didn't hurt him at all!"

Chouchou whined in agreement, eyes glued to the snail.

" _What the—!?"_ Cross sputtered in confusion. " _Luffy's face looks like a tenderized steak after just one punch when he bounced back from the previous punches without worry! What just happened!?"_

" _Fehfehfehfeh! That's easy!"_ Foxy crowed eagerly. " _I reinforced my gloves!"_

" _Reinforced!? Those things look like fucking_ morningstars!"

" _Hey, this is the_ Grand Line _and I can barely benchpress seventy-five_ , _I need to even the odds somehow! Are you really going to call me out for zat?"_

" _I sure the hell will when it's my goddamn captain you're evening them against!"_

" _Feh, so be it. Though to be fair, I'd withhold your hatred for a moment."_

" _Huh? Why?"_

" _Because the thirty seconds on the bombs are up, and they're going to do a_ lot _more than tenderize."_

 **KA-BLAM!**

The sound of explosions almost as loud as Cross' foghorn boomed across the connection, and the snail grit its teeth in anxiety for the duration of the din.

" _Luffy? Luffy!? LUUUUFFYYYYY!"_ Usopp cried out desperately.

" _ **DON'T LOOK AT**_ **ME LIKE THAT,** _**that was**_ 100% NATURAL!"

Then came Itomimizu's _supremely_ smug voice again. " _Well, it looks like Straw Hat may have been blown to smithereens! If that's the case, then he loses as soon as one of his body parts leaves the arena! Another victory for our captai—"_

" _HE'S_ **safe!** _ **UP ON**_ the MAST!" Soundbite interrupted.

"WHAT?" Itomimizu roared. " _He—He's right! Straw Hat Luffy dodged to the top of the Sexy Foxy's mast! What incredible speed!"_

" _Don't count on Luffy being a corpse until you actually see him, wide-mouth!"_ Cross cackled.

"Damn right, you lousy rotten cheaters!" Boodle cheered eagerly. "Show them what's what, Strawhat!"

"Ruff, ruff!" Chouchou barked in agreement, howling his support as loud as he could.

 **-o-**

In a country that had gathered much international attention over the last several weeks, both good and bad, within the throne room of the royal palace, a very serious war meeting had come to an abrupt and unexpected hiatus when the SBS began. One exchanged look between the royal family and the representative was all that was needed for them to agree.

"You know, while I'm not surprised that the Revolutionary Army has interest in Jeremiah Cross and his knowledge and activities, it _does_ surprise me that you'd prioritize it over official business," Chaka remarked.

"Especially when the current goings-on don't much affect the world itself," Pell added. "We're certainly not complaining, but we are curious."

The representative chuckled before looking back to the Royal Family. "Well, let's just say that Dragon and I have taken a personal interest in the SBS, and leave it at that. I'm honestly not sure why he hasn't extended the Straw Hats an invitation to join us yet."

"I'm going to tafe— _ahem, mah, mah, MAH!—_ I'm going to take a guess and say that he's hesitant to involve himself in their madness?"

The man chuckled again.

" _Fehfehfehfehfeh…"_

Before they all turned their attention back to the snail as the all-too-familiar laugh echoed out of it.

" _Ooh! Straw Hat may have dodged the first strike, but our Boss is waiting in the smokescreen, ready to strike again! His laughter robs Straw Hat of the opportunity to rest! Where will he strike? How will he strike?"_

" _There! There's his shadow!"_ Cross said. " _And he's… are you kidding?"_

" _How did you like that?"_ Foxy slurred.

" _YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GOT HURT!"_ Luffy barked.

" _I did not!"_ Foxy snapped indignantly.

" _STOP LYING!"_

"… _Lying so blatantly that_ Luffy _can see through it? This isn't just pathetic, this is starting to become downright_ embarrassing," Cross said in a tone as dry as the Sandora desert.

" _Pathetic…? Embarrassing…?"_ Foxy's voice sobbed in a depressed tone.

" _I'm_ feeling embarrassed from this," muttered King Cobra.

" _GUM-GUM HOOK!"_

A cry of pain from Foxy made the Revolutionary's grin widen.

" _I'm going to break your hand so you can't use that beam anymore!"_

" _Oh, really?"_

" _Aaand Foxy dives back into the smoke. But Luffy spots him and knocks—what the… is that a_ cutout?"

" _Slow-Slow Beam!"_

" _Ugh… alright, another point to Foxy; he's got so many cutouts in the smoke that there's no way of knowing where his beam will come from…"_ Cross was silent for a second before his grin was transmitted around the world. " _If only they didn't all have the same split-headed haircut."_

" _Split-head…?"_

" _There he is!"_

" _STOP PICKING ON MY CAPTAIN!"_ Itomimizu snapped.

" _ONLY WHEN HE STOPS PUNCHING MI—oooh, that's another suckerpunch from Luffy! That has_ gotta _hurt!"_

"You seem to be enjoying the fact that Luffy is winning quite a bit, Mister Revolutionary," Pell observed.

Said Revolutionary blinked. "…Huh. I honestly hadn't noticed. Maybe the SBS has grown on me more than I thought. But I thought I told you that there's no need to be so formal. Please," the Revolutionary grinned as he swept his top hat off and held it to his chest. "Call me Sabo."

 **-o-**

" _Alright, now I've got you! Stop running and fight me!"_ Luffy demanded.

" _Grgh…"_ Foxy ground out darkly. " _Okay… if you want a fight… THEN I'LL GIVE YOU ONE! Oh, but one quick thing first."_

" _Huh? What?"_

" _Would you mind looking up one second?"_

" _Come on, not even rubber-brain is_ that _stupid!"_ Su's voice called out.

" _Sure thing! What do you want me to look at?"_

" _Then again, I have been wrong before…"_

" _Oh, nothing much, Straw Hat…"_ Foxy sneered. " _JUST THE LAST SKY YOU'LL SEE IN YOUR LIFE!"_

 **KLUNK!**

" _GAH!"_

" _Looks like the Captain managed to successfully trick Luffy into falling into a trapdoor!"_ Itomimizu crowed.

" _Ah, the humble trapdoor,"_ Cross sighed wistfully. " _A true classic in the book of trap-making. Most of the time, there's not a lot of shame in being caught with one."_

" _ **This is**_ **not one OF THOSE TIMES…"** Soundbite groaned.

"Ugh, young people these days," slurred a grizzled grey-haired man as he swayed back and forth on his stool. "Playing around with all these gimmicks and tomfoolery and tricks and stuff… whatever happened to just clashing fists, swords, or pistols like real men?"

"If it's any consolation, Straw Hat sounds almost as frustrated as you are," the nearby bartender pointed out.

"Urgh… that's _some_ mercy, but even with the motive he has, he _still_ agreed to the game," Rayleigh grumbled, tossing back his empty bottle onto the growing pile and reaching for another. "And besides, I know about the Groggy Ring. The only way he could have ended _that_ early was by playing even dirtier than the foxes." Having acquired a new bottle, the Dark King yanked the cork out with his teeth and promptly knocked back a mouthful. "Good grief. Things used to be so simple, too."

"Even so, is one crew's Davy Back Fight trickery really enough to make you want to drink this much?"

"Check the month," Rayleigh replied.

Frowning as the SBS reported Luffy getting back on the deck with his powers, Shakky did so. She proceeded to stiffen for a moment before giving Raleigh a sympathetic look. "I see. Take care on your trip to Loguetown. And pour one out for me as well."

Rayleigh cracked a sad smile around the bottle's muzzle.

" _Aha! Straw Hat takes the captain's bait, and so the fight moves into the ship itself! Now we can't even see what's going on!"_

" _Maybe not, Ito, but we can still hear it, and that's half of the equation! Right, Soundbite?"_

"I AM **ZE** _ **GREATEST IN Za Warudo!"**_

 **-o-**

" _Alright, so courtesy of Soundbite's abilities, we'll be broadcasting everything that happens in the ship. Buuut to keep things fair, we won't broadcast what Foxy and Luffy say to each other. I mean,_ our _captain doesn't need trickery to win, really."_

" _HEEHEEHEEhoohoohoo!_ **BURN!"**

" _Your faith in your captain is admirable, but we'll see how well he actually does!"_

"And here's hoping it's a flashy smackdown with that rubber idiot on the receiving end!" Buggy barked with a pump of his fist. "Go, my brother in flashiness! Pound that rubber-brained bastard's head into the ground!"

"Hmm hmm, yes, best of luck to—hm?" Alvida paused in her chuckling as a thought struck her. "Wait a second… Buggy, you're always quite specific when you write in the logbook, yes?"

"But of course!" The pirate-clown raised his nose in a sniff, unwittingly causing a tsunami on the opposite side of the world in the process. "I might embellish and make things read as slightly flashier than they really were, but I never lie! Believe me…" Buggy's expression became ashen, visible even under his makeup. "The first mate of the first ship I worked on made _sure_ of that…"

"Right…" Alvida cocked her eyebrow at the reaction before continuing. "But anyway, I read your log awhile back, and the thought occurs to me… besides stabbing Roronoa and doing some damage to Luffy's hat, did you ever actually _manage_ to land a—" She stopped as she processed the disembodied hand holding a knife mere millimeters in front of her eye.

"Your Smooth-Smooth skin is supposed to protect you from any attacks, be they bladed or blunted," Buggy stated in a tone of frigid calm. "But I'm personally curious as to whether or not it protects your eyes if something is shoved in _hard enough_ , too. So help me, Alvida, if you don't stop provoking me, I'll find out, and you may find yourself looking more like a stereotypical pirate. Am I clear?"

Alvida did not flinch, but neither did she continue to speak. Buggy withdrew the blade with a huff. "And for the record, I _did_ draw blood, and more importantly, I got him to be serious. That's at least more than _you_ ever did."

Buggy took _great_ satisfaction in the ugly scowl that marred Alvida's face.

" _Anyway, it would appear that Luffy's still looking for Foxy, and is currently searching the ship's rather impressive gun deck. Ah, but wait! A closing door has indicated Foxy's position!"_

" _A door on the gun deck, huh?"_ Ito grinned eagerly. " _Then that can only mean the nefarious Spike Hell trap! It looks like Luffy's in quite a bind, because if he rushes in blindly, he'll suffer the consequences of that which lies beyond!"_

" _Huh? There's a trap beyond the door?"_ Luffy asked in surprise. " _Wow, thanks, wide-mouth!"_

" _Wait, wha—YOU'RE STILL BROADCASTING WHAT WE'RE SAYING TO THEM!?"_

" **Yes ah am,** _ **yes ah am!"**_

" _WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIM NOT NEEDING TRICKERY!?"_

" _Well, first off, I only said that we wouldn't broadcast_ their _voices to_ each other, _and second, while Luffy doesn't_ need _trickery to win, I'm sure as hell not above perpetrating it for his sake! I'm_ sure _that's a concept you're familiar with, no?"_

" _Grrrghh…"_

 _BOOM!_

" _Gah! What was tha—? DID HE JUST FIRE A CANNON INSIDE OUR SHIP?!"_

" _ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME, STRAW HAT?!"_

" _Hey, widemouth said that there was a trap in there, so I just didn't go in!"_

" _Widemou—? ITOMIMIZU, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE I'M GOING TO USE YOU AS A PUNCHING BAG!"_

" _MEEP!"_

" _ **Oh, yeah, now**_ **I REMEMBER!** HE REMINDS ME OF _BEAKER! GEEZE, THAT'S_ _ **BEEN BOTHERING ME ALL DAY…"**_

" _Well, now that you mention it…"_

" _I AM NOT A MUPPET!"_

"…Well, _that's_ a phrase I never thought I'd hear again," Buggy muttered to himself.

Alvida shot him a bemused look. "What the hell kind of ship did you serve on before going independent?"

"That, my dear, is a secret that I fully intend to take to my grave," Buggy replied, halfway between smug and serious.

" _Huh. Wasn't sure you'd know that one,"_ Cross muttered. " _Anyway, where were we? Oh, right. Luffy was hunting down Foxy so that he could pound his face in."_

" _Not for long, he's not,"_ Foxy muttered, along with the sound of a closing door. " _Foxy Face Transformation!"_

 **-o-**

" _Oh, hello, dear!"_

The members of Thriller Bark's locally infamous Mysterious Four stared at the Transponder Snail in a combination of shock and horror as an _ear-achingly_ falsetto voice scratched at their ears.

" _What brings you here, hm?"_ Foxy asked faux-meekly, his voice quite obviously wavering from fatigue. " _A-Are you numb? Is it your skull? That's it, isn't it, you're a numbskull?"_

"That is both one of the best _and_ worst medical pun-insults that I have heard in all my life," Hogback deadpanned.

"…I'm not sure what's more pathetic, the fact that Foxy thought that would fool anyone, or the fact that it apparently _has_ if he's actually still _using_ it," Absalom muttered, and then frowned deeper as the sound of a door closing and footfalls came across the connection. "And there we are, Straw Hat's leaving, more testament to his sheer—"

" _OH, WAIT! That face…"_

"Oh? Is there hope for Straw Hat yet?" Moria wondered aloud.

" _HEY! ARE YOU HIS SISTER?"_

"Apparently not," Hogback sighed.

" _Well, well, it would seem that Foxy's utterly pathetic ploy has actually managed to work! How any mask, especially one_ that _horrific, could possibly hide that amount of ugliness, utterly_ boggles _the mind!"_

The sound of someone slumping to their knees, along with a heavy metallic clunk, was clearly transmitted. " _I wish I was a sea slug…"_ a pathetic voice whimpered.

"…Perona, when did you expand your range that much?" Absalom asked the bemused Ghost Princess.

"I didn't. He's just got the lowest self-esteem I've ever heard of," she said dryly.

A sudden _THWACK_ cracked over the connection, causing the snail to wince. " _OW! WATCH IT, ITO!"_

" _WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!?"_ the opposing commentator snarled back. " _BOSS, YOU'RE NOT UGLY! YOU'RE WONDERFUL! YOUR WHOLE CREW IS BEHIND YOU!"_

" _Fehfehfehfeh!"_ Foxy piped up smugly. " _But of course I am! None are greater than Silver Fox Foxy!"_

A heavy sweatdrop hung from Perona's head. "Make that the most _delicate_ self-esteem I've ever heard of."

" _Wait a second… YOU'RE FOXY, AREN'T YOU!?"_ Luffy suddenly roared.

"… _Whoops,"_ Foxy and Ito chorused, before a series of rapid footfalls and doors opening came across the connection. Finally, it stopped.

" _I'm gonna kick your—"_

" _W-WAIT, WAIT! C-Can you at least wait long enough for me to take my pain medication?"_ Foxy hastily begged.

Luffy's grumble was audible, but he didn't deny him. And a few seconds later, there was the sound of a bottle opening…

 _SPROING!_ " _AH, what the—?"_

" _SLOW-SLOW BEAM, DINGUS!"_

"… _Soundbite? I think I recognized that sound. Please tell me that I didn't. PLEASE tell me that Foxy didn't just outsmart Luffy with literally the oldest trick in the book."_

" _ **I wish I could, Cross.**_ _I REALLY WISH_ I could," Soundbite moaned. "He fell for the _PAPER SNAKES_ _ **IN A BOTTLE!"**_

" _Luffy, you complete fucking moron."_

" _Fehfehfehfehfeh! That's the one trick I've kept that's never worked before, it was just too much of a classic to discard! I honestly didn't think I'd ever use it as more than a party favor!"_ Foxy cackled. " _Now then, in return for all the pain you've dealt me… NINE-TAILED RUSH!"_

" _AAAAAAAARGH!"_ Luffy _slowly_ cried out in pain as yet _another_ round of impacts rang out.

Absalom winced and rubbed his jaw sympathetically. "I have an inch of leather protecting me, and even _I_ think that hurts..."

"Kishishishi!" Moriah snickered grimly as he bared his fangs. "It just goes to show: never underestimate the tricksters! Represent, Foxy! Kishishishi!"

Finally, the barrage halted, and Foxy was left panting and wheezing. " _Eesh… that took it out of me… never had to do so many Rushes in succession... credit to you, Straw Hat, you're one of the toughest fights I've had in years. But now… we move to something_ horrible." The sound of mechanical grinding, followed by the echoey howl of wind. " _Ah, but of course, it's not alive. After all, that would be against the rules. I presume the snail can attest to that, no?"_

" _Soundbite?"_

" _ **It might not be alive**_ **BUT SOMETHING'S SURE THE HELL** _ **DOWN THERE!?**_ _WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING!?"_

" _Your captain is about to find out. Time's up, Straw Hat."_

The sound of fists smacking into rubbery flesh rang out anew, and Luffy cried out in both pain and panic for a second before his voice suddenly took on an echoey tone.

 **-o-**

"Sounds like Straw Hat's in SUPER! trouble now. I wonder what Split-head's gonna do next?" wondered a man in a very revealing outfit.

"I'm wondering what he deems so horrible that he purposely led Straw Hat to it. It must be a powerful weapon," said another man wearing half a pair of unique goggles, his perpetual grin faded in favor of a thoughtful expression.

" _Ugh… man, that hurt..."_ Luffy groaned miserably before blinking in confusion. " _Wait… where am I? And where's that dumb fox!?"_

" _Up here, Straw Hat!"_ Foxy's voice suddenly called out. " _And to answer your first question, you're deep in what I call the belly of the beast! Allow me to introduce you to the pinnacle of over a dozen shipwrights and inventors from all corners of the world collaborating to create the perfect war machine!"_ A mechanical howl of fury rang out throughout the room. " _THE GORILLA PUNCHER #13!"_

" _Huh… that's actually kinda cool,"_ Luffy whistled. " _One question though."_

" _What?"_

" _Is the gorilla head necessary?"_

"… _Necessary?"_ Foxy repeated.

"Whatever that thing is, it has a gorilla head?" Mozu asked in a dull tone.

"They built _13_ of them?" Kiwi concurred.

" _Luffy actually_ knows _a word with that many syllables?"_ Nami's voice asked in the same tone.

" _COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT!"_ Foxy roared, fury obvious in his voice. " _YOU WON'T BE LAUGHING MUCH WHEN I BEAT YOU INTO A PULP! GORILLA PUNCHER #13, DEPLOY!"_

A whiffing sound came from the call, followed by Soundbite's confused voice.

"ITO, what exactly _**is**_ **THAT THING?!"**

" _Ah, I didn't think I'd ever get to answer that question!"_ Ito said happily. " _The Gorilla Puncher #13 is the Boss' ultimate weapon! A 36-foot-tall machine with 25 five-foot tall boxing gloves attached to the front! They deploy at the boss' orders, firing hard, firing fast, and just outright_ firing, _bursting into flames on impact! What's more, the room it's in has a mirror in the back to reflect the Boss' Slow-Slow Beams, making it nearly impossible to dodge the gloves! And, as the final touch, it's even capable of moving on caterpillar treads!"_

" _ **Yeah, at what sounds like**_ **A MILLIMETER A** _MINUTE!"_

" _Unfortunately, that's because the only way to power the machine is via peddling! As glorious as our boss is, he's not really what you'd call a 'leg man'."_

Franky suddenly stiffened before taking a piece of paper out and starting to sketch on it, his face a mask of concentration.

"What's up, Big Bro?" the Square Sisters asked as they looked over his shoulder.

"Well, you know, all things considered, while I'm SUPER! inclined to root for the Straw Hats..." Franky cracked his neck side to side with an eager grin. "I can't help but feel inspired by that machine. I think I might even go for an upgrade!"

" _Yeah, like that wasn't obvious before,"_ cut in Cross's wry tone.

" _OKAY, NOW YOU'RE JUST STARTING TO PISS ME OFF, CROSS!"_ Foxy raged.

" _Would you prefer I leave that to Soundbite instead?"_

" _ **Ooooooh—!"**_ the snail started to sing eagerly.

"… _Withdrawn,"_ Foxy grumbled. " _NOW, BACK TO MY WELL-DESERVED VENGEANCE! SLOW-SLOW BEA—!"_

 _SMASH!_

" _GAH! THE MIRROR! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT COST, YOU BASTARD!?"_

" _About a tenth of Porche's cosmetic budget?"_ Chopper cut in.

"WATCH IT, YOU LITTLE—… _huh. Actually, that's about right,"_ Porche admitted.

" _I just took Nami's usual wardrobe budget and doubled it."_

 _THWACK!_

" _OW! DAMN IT, I WASN'T EVEN AMPED THAT TIME!"_

" _STOP GOING THROUGH MY RECEIPTS FOR SCRAP-PAPER, MISTLETOE-BREATH!"_

" _YOU MEAN HOLLY, AND I DON'T EVEN_ LIKE _IT!"_

" _ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY! WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A CAPTAIN'S DUEL HERE!"_ Foxy roared furiously.

"Oh, fine. **We'll let** _ **LUFFY get back to**_ **POUNDING YOU!"**

" _Right! GUM-GUM PISTOL!"_

The sound of a heavy blow hitting flesh rang out, followed by a cry of pain.

"GAH! _That's it, Straw Hat, you're through! Slow-Slow Beam!"_

" _Woah! Oh, crap!"_

" _HA, that fancy footwork won't help you anymore! GORILLA PUNCH SOLID GOLD HITS!_

And then, the connection became filled with a symphony of steel hitting flesh and fire burning, followed by a large explosion. A large amount of coughing later…

" _Wow, what an intense match!"_ Cross whistled in awe. " _This isn't the hardest fight Luffy's had in his life, but damn if it isn't one of the most cinematic!"_

" _That's an understatement! This is the closest to up close and personal that I've ever been to a beating from the Gorilla Puncher!"_ Itomimizu cried out eagerly. " _But I'd know that detonation anywhere, and even if I can't see through all of this smoke, I know that there's only one outcome to this! Two forms are emerging, and…"_

There was a second of bated breath before cheers erupted… from the _Foxy Pirates._

" _And the Boss is the only man left standing, while Straw Hat Luffy lies burned on the ground! It looks like the match is over!"_

" _LUFFY!"_ over half of the Straw Hats cried out.

"Holy crap…" Zambai breathed as the Franky Family fell silent.

Franky, meanwhile, was just as quiet, his eyes shadowed as he bowed his head, his arms crossed over his chest.

" _Well, Straw Hat Luffy put up one hell of a fight, the toughest we've ever seen by far, but it looks like this match is_ over!"

" _Only if you're willing to blatantly disregard the rules, wide-mouth."_

" _Huh? What the heck are you talking about, Cross?!"_

" _What am I talking about? I'm talking about the fact that this fight doesn't end until either a Captain's left the ring or one of them is no longer able to fight, so you better not even think about touching that bell, because we're sure as hell not done yet!"_

" _But Luffy is—!"_

" _ **HE'S UP!**_ **LUFFY'S GOTTEN UP!"**

" _HE WHAT!?"_

"HE'S WHAT!?" the Franky Family roared in unison, shaking the Franky House down to its foundations.

" _THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"_ Cross roared in approval.

" _I-I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M SEEING!"_ Itomimizu screamed in both shock and terror. " _Straw Hat Luffy just took a beating that would kill most any other man alive… AND YET HE'S STILL STANDING AND READY FOR A FIGHT!"_

"H-Holy crap..." Zambai stammered out incredulously.

"What the hell is he _made_ of, rubber _cement!?"_ Kiev questioned.

"Nah, it's the afro. That's what's giving him the strength he needs," Tamagon said, nodding sagely.

" _So… you got back up,"_ Foxy wheezed, obviously as much on his last legs as Luffy. " _Guess there must be something in that afro after all."_

There was suddenly a slightly electronic whoosh, followed by Luffy grunting in confusion.

" _A lot of good it'll do you, though,"_ Foxy grinned in a smug manner. " _I just got you with my Slow-Slow sword. It lets me channel Slowmo photons into a concentrated beam. Less area of impact, faster deployment. As it is, your arms and legs are frozen. Now… let's finish this. MEGATON NINE-TAILED RUSH! RUSH!_ RUSH!"

The previous beatdowns had been brutal, but this… this was just insane. It sounded as though an entire _mob_ of people was wailing on Luffy, wrought metal smashing into rubbery flesh over and over and _over_ again.

Finally, the barrage ended with the sound of a body crashing to the floor.

The connection was filled with the sound of labored panting before, slowly, a wheezy chuckle started up.

" _Fehfehfeh, fehfeh… eh?"_

Leather scraped against wood, flesh groaned in protest, and then a second panting breath joined Foxy's.

" _S-S-Straw Hat is up again!"_ Ito shrieked fearfully. " _Even after taking so many blows… h-how is this possible!?"_

"…Or is it more than just the afro after all?" Tamagon breathed.

"… _damn…"_ Foxy eventually bit out. " _Damn, damn, DAMN SNOT-NOSED ROOKIE! SLOW-SLOW BEAM!"_

There was a slight grunt of _annoyance_ more than anything…

" _TAKE A HINT AND STAY DOWN, DAMN IT! MEGATON NINE-TAILED RUUUUSH!"_

And then the barrage came _again,_ sounding even worse than the first, if that was at all possible.

Once again it ended, and once again only one person could be heard panting. " _You did good, rookie…You fought hard…"_ Foxy wheezed heavily. " _But this… is the end of the line."_

The Franky House was silent as Foxy started to shuffle away.

" _Luffy, come on! Get up! Keep fighting!"_ Usopp called out.

" _Get up, Luffy!"_ yelled Conis.

" _YOU CAN DO IT, LUFFY!"_ cried Chopper.

" _SHOW US THE WILLPOWER THAT BEAT THE LIGHTNING-BASTARD!"_ Su shrieked.

" _C'mon, Luffy, get up and pound that fox!"_ Lassoo snarled.

" _It's not over yet, this is_ not _over yet…"_ Cross growled beneath his breath.

" **FIGHT, DAMN IT,** _ **FIIIIIIGHT!"**_

And yet, nothing happened.

"Oh my God…" Mozu whispered.

"D-Did he actually—?" Kiwi started to say—

 _SLAM!_

—before she was interrupted by two massive fists crashing down on both sides of the Transponder Snail.

"GET UP, LUFFY!" Franky roared at the top of his lungs, glaring nails at the snail.

"B-Big bro!?" Zambai stammered in confusion.

"Damn it all, Strawhat, get the hell up!" the cyborg snarled, glaring bloody murder at the snail. "I know that we've never actually met, I know that you can't hear me and I know that this is SUPER! _crazy…"_ Franky grit his jaw as the ghostly whistle of a sea train roared in his ears. "But _damn_ it, I know for a _fact_ that people like you don't give up easy! You don't get taken down by a beating, you don't buckle under pressure, and you sure as hell don't give up! So get up, damn it! Get up and keep fighting! _Get up and pound this bastard's head in!"_

"Big bro…" the Franky Family breathed in collective awe. Said awe intensified as a very recognizable sound came across the connection, followed by a weak but firm voice.

" _What..."_ Foxy breathed in dull horror before roaring in both fury _and_ panic. " _WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU!?"_

" _I won't lose… a single member of my crew… EVEN…_ _ **IF IT KILLS ME!"**_

" _Ah… ah… UNBELIEVABLE! STRAW HAT LUFFY HAS GOTTEN UP AGAIN!"_

" _THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! KICK HIS ASS, CAPTAIN!"_

"GO, STRAW HAT, GO!" Franky roared, taking his signature pose as he did so.

"GO, STRAW HAT!" the Square Sisters echoed, mirroring Franky's movements.

"LU-FFY! LU-FFY! LU-FFY!" the Franky Family began to chant.

 **-o-**

Elsewhere on the island of Water 7, one of the top five Galley-La shipwrights had moved to an isolated location to listen to the SBS.

He'd decided that it was a prudent move to seclude himself from his 'coworkers', on account of how the pirate's admittedly admirable determination was starting to have an effect on him.

More specifically, Rob Lucci's self-control was very swiftly whittling away, as evidenced by the way he was starting to tremble and the _immense_ effort it took to keep his expression neutral and his size constant.

He'd been barraged with flaming steel gauntlets, and gotten up. He'd been barraged with spiked gauntlets _twice_ , and he'd gotten up _twice_. And now, after briefly swaying the entire opposing crew in his favor, after the deceptively powerful pirate had struck him with what was supposedly his best shot, a punch at the speed of a cannonball and then the cannonball itself, he was getting up for a fourth time. And the words he spoke next…

" _I'm… going to… win!"_

Fatigued, but spoken with earthshaking resolve. And at that point, Lucci's control failed him, and his lips moved into a feral and bloodthirsty grin. His blood, his adrenaline, every _inch_ of his body felt like it was on _fire,_ and for all he tried to stay cool and calm, he couldn't deny the primal part of himself that absolutely _loved_ it.

" _You…_ win!?" Foxy spat ferociously. " _As if! You're barely staying on your_ feet! _But if you want a fight…"_ There was a rush of shoes on wood. " _THEN I'M HAPPY TO OBLIGE! MEGATON NINE-TAILED—!"_

There was a second of panting from Straw Hat, but then there was a hiss of breath. " _Gum-Gum!"_ the pirate snarled out, a metric ton of steel in his voice.

" _ **RUUUUSH!"**_

" _ **GAAAATLIIIING!"**_

The noise that followed could only be described as absolute _brutality._ Two flurries of punches meeting one another head on, fist against fist, skull against skull, the true totality of strength that both fighters could bring to bear.

" _THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED!"_ Itomimizu called out in awe. " _BOTH FIGHTERS ARE GOING ALL OUT, PUTTING EVERY FIBER OF THEIR BEINGS INTO ONE! FINAL! BRAWL!"_

" _THIS THE ULTIMATE SLUGFEST, PEOPLE!"_ Cross proclaimed in much the same tone, shouting to make himself heard. " _FISTS ARE FLYING FASTER THAN THEY HAVE ANY RIGHT TO AND BOTH CONTESTANTS ARE TAKING A POUNDING! LUFFY MIGHT BE ON HIS LAST LEGS BUT FOXY IS_ STILL _MANAGING TO TAKE A LICKING AND KEEP ON KICKING! THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF A ROYAL RUMBLE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW! THIS! IS!_ CRUNCH TIME!"

The punches continued, but slowed slightly, barely discernable. More obvious was that Foxy's punches were the ones slowing down, more and more of his grunts of pain and less and less of his sharpened punches coming through.

" _How… can a dying man… fight so hard!?"_ Foxy spat, hacking out a glob of blood. " _Grggh… Enough… ENOUGH! THIS ENDS NOW! SLOW-SLOW BEA—!"_

Without any warning whatsoever, the sound of the brawl _died,_ leaving nothing but absolute silence.

" _W-What the—?"_ Itomimizu breathed numbly. " _B-Both fighters are just standing there…"_

Murmurs of confusion started to drift over the connection. Then the sound of something hitting the floor.

" _Wha—STRAW HAT IS DOWN!?"_ Itomimizu cried joyously. " _STRAW HAT IS DOWN AND THE BOSS IS STILL STANDING!"_

" _But_ Luffy _is the only one moving!"_ Cross cut in, cackling like a cut-rate stage villain.

" _Wait, wha—WHAT!?"_ the Foxy's commentator gasped in shock.

" _Daaaaamn yooooouuuuu,"_ Foxy's voice ground out slower than expected.

" _H-HE'S RIGHT! THE BOSS IS FROZEN! B-B-BUT HOW!?"_

Then came a clinking sound, followed by Soundbite roaring with laughter. " _THE MIRROR!_ _ **LUFFY'S AFRO SNAGGED**_ **A PIECE WHEN HE smashed it!"**

" _HAIL TO THE AFRO, BABY!"_ Cross concurred.

" _This… is… the end…"_ Luffy ground out.

" _Soundbite, care to do the honors?"_

" _YES, CROSS,_ I WOULD! **Ahem…** _ **FINISH HIM!"**_

A sound of whirling rubber, and Foxy letting out a slow beginning of what was clearly meant to be a scream of terror.

" _GUM-GUM… FLAIL!"_

 _WHAM!_

The sound of leather connecting with flesh, but nothing more. Luffy's panting became audible, and he started walking away.

" _By Jones himself,"_ Itomimizu breathed numbly.

" _Ladies and gentlemen, we have t-minus fifteen…"_ Cross breathed reverentially before grinning like a madman. " _People of the world, I ask you to join me in the countdown to_ VICTORY! _SAY IT WITH ME NOW, ALL TOGETHER! TWELVE! ELEVEN!"_

The edges of the table were suddenly _pulped_ by Lucci's claws due to the intensity of his grip, and saliva dribbled from his slavering jaws as he towered over the now utterly _terrified_ snail. If he'd had any doubts in his mind before about what he would do after this mission was complete, they were well and truly dead now. The _second_ his mission was complete, the second he was free, he would cash in _every_ vacation day he'd been saving up for as long as he'd been alive, every last one of them, all for the express purpose of seeking out Straw Hat Luffy for the fight of his life.

"Ten," the leopard-man growled eagerly.

 **-o-**

The leather-faced man was giving Eneru a run for his money with his expression as he took in the broadcast coming from the snail in Enies Lobby's central office. Two of the other three inhabitants of the room had their jaws dropped as well, but were focused more on the fact that the Carnivorous Zoan had instinctively shifted to his hybrid form, unknowingly replicating the reaction of his rival several knots away.

"Nine," the wolf-man grinned, while his leader trembled as he remembered the geography of the local waters.

 **-o-**

"EIGHT!" cheered every patron and employee in Takoyaki 8, Hachi being particularly exuberant.

 **-o-**

"SEVEN, DO-RE-MI-SO!" Ryuboshi and Manboshi twirled in synch, causing their big-yet-younger sister to giggle as a result.

 **-o-**

Beneath the ocean's surface in a space that most of the world did not know of, a man with a golden hook in place of his left hand smirked in response to the broadcast. He bore no grudge against the rookie that had annihilated his plans, but up until now, every broadcast had only reinforced his opinion of him as a complete and utter moron. But here was the proof that losing to him hadn't been a fluke brought about purely by extreme overconfidence. Here was… _vindication_.

"Six," Crocodile stated, smirking.

 **-o-**

"Five," a trenchcoat-wearing man stated reluctantly at his partner's prompting. The young painter and the young dragon tamer nearby chuckled at him, while everyone else apart from the stoic first mate was crowing in euphoria, none more than the captain.

 **-o-**

"FOUR!" cheered a trio of exuberant children who, along with an unusually interested butler, were all clad in afros, much to the butler's mistress' amusement.

 **-o-**

"THREE!" a past-his-prime Vice Admiral roared in drunken exuberance, joined by his equally sloshed students.

Two of the Marines who were watching the impromptu party were sporting sweatdrops.

"Weren't those two brats drinking _grape juice?"_

"Yes. Yes, they were."

 **-o-**

"TWO!" two sons and one daughter of the sea chorused as they pumped their fists victoriously, the daughter's dreadnought of a ship firing a deafening cannonade to punctuate the words.

 **-o-**

In a country of pure white, a man who was changing the world stood on the balcony of his command center, staring out at the horizon even as his subordinates (those who weren't wearing noise-cancelling headphones as they continued to work, anyway) celebrated within.

Nevertheless, for all that he appeared apathetic, Dragon tilted his head down and grinned a grin that had caused the Elder Stars many a headache.

"One."

 **-o-**

"ZERO!" I bellowed at the top of my lungs.

THWACK! " _GYAGH!"_

The effect was instantaneous: Foxy's face caved in as he was sent literally _flying,_ the delayed impact launching him so high into the air that he was _level_ with Ito and I.

I smiled as wide as I could manage as I watched Foxy fly up up up... before reversing momentum and falling down down _down…_

 _SPLASH!_

And impacting the water.

I watched bubbles drift up from where he'd landed for a second before popping to my feet (which earned me an indignant "Watch it!" from Chuchun in the process) and pumping my fist in the air. "THE WINNER BY RING-OUT AND AN ABSOLUTE _ASS-LOAD_ OF SHEER FUCKING GUTS!" I cried through my smile before pointing down at my captain, who was posing for the crowd. "MONKEY! D.! _STRAAAW-HAAAT LUUUFFYYY!"_

"YEAAAAAAH!" the rubber man bellowed.

I sighed, grinning widely. "Well, ladies and gentlemen of the world… what you witnessed today? _That_ is the willpower needed if you're going to pledge your life to the pursuit of Gold Roger's throne and the world's greatest treasure. And once we wrap up the rest of this game, we'll get back to the pursuit of that. It'll only get harder from here, but I'm certain that we will overcome anything that this insane world throws at us. So, with our captain vindicated and his vengeance acquired, I think we're gonna end this here. Until next time, this is Jeremiah Cross—"

" **And** _SOUNDBITE!"_

"— _Of the SBS, signing off!"_

I replaced the transceiver before letting out a breath, and turning to Itomimizu again, a tired smile on my face. "A good match?"

The Foxy Pirates' announcer smiled grudgingly. "The best I've ever seen. You and your crew are all right."

"Same to you, wide-mouth!" I grinned, before gesturing at the island. "Now then, I'm starting to get airsick, so what say we get back on solid ground?"

"Oh, yeah, sure thi…" Ito trailed off slowly before snapping his eyes wide in horror. "OH NO, THE BOSS!"

"HURRY, SAVE THE BOSS!" Porche cried desperately.

I started to snicker as I watched the Foxy's scramble to the front of the stadium...

"DIVE, CHUCHUN, DIVE!"

Before snapping my eyes wide in panic. "Wait, what?! Nononono—!"

 _SPLASH!_

"ARGHBRBLRGH!" " _ **IT BURNS,**_ IT BURNS!"

 **-o-**

One long period of resuscitation, medical treatment, and well-employed shipwrighting skills later, the Foxy Pirates were slowly packing up the festival that accompanied the Davy Back Fight, us Straw Hats watching and wrapping up our own treatments.

"Damn it, I wasn't even _on_ the stands…" I muttered around the bandage strip I was holding in my mouth as I wrapped it around my arm and yanked, snapping the bandage from its roll.

"Well, look on the bright side!" Chopper prompted as he scrubbed the salt out of his fur.

"Alright, venison-breath, I'll bite," Su huffed as she squeezed her tail dry. " _What_ bright side?"

Chopper nodded his head at a nearby bucket, whose lip Soundbite had parked himself over and was currently retching into. "Now we know that Soundbite's aversion to salt is entirely psychosomatic and it only makes him ill instead of outright killing him."

Soundbite raised his eyestalks out of the bucket to glare bloody murder at Chopper. " _ **Cold—**_ **HURK!"** The snail's eyes went wide with horror as his cheeks bulged, hurriedly shoving his head back in the bucket and retching again. " _Ugh…_ _ **cold**_ FUCKING _COMFORT."_

"You know, far be it from me to complain about it not being that easy to kill Soundbite, but how does that even make sense?" I wondered.

" _Natural selection,"_ Chopper answered with a glint in his eyes. " _Transponder Snails have been in use on ships for communications for years. Those with too-weak constitutions and too-mucus-y bodies fried and those who were tough enough survived."_ Chopper then blinked and paused for a second before continuing. "And for the record, that resistance is against _seawater,_ where the salt's diluted. I'd still recommend avoiding the pure stuff like the plague."

"Noted…" I said, slowly scooting away from the doctor.

"Knock it off," Chopper rolled his eyes dismissively. "I _know_ that I was using the madness voice. I've been trying to get it under control recently! I've actually been making some great progress too. Watch!" Aaaand there was the spark again. " _So long as I keep the partition down for only a minute or so at a time, I can keep my mind sane and under control, so that I concentrate on the task at hand rather than going on a tangent about bio-technological improvement, advanced chemical warfare,_ _ **vivisection, live TESTING—!"**_

 _THWACK!_

"OW, DANG IT!… Thanks, Boss."

"Looks like you need more practice," the Dugong dryly stated.

"No, really? I hadn't noticed," Lassoo huffed as he coughed out a few tongues of fire.

"CAN WE GET ON WITH IT?!" Foxy suddenly howled at us.

" _Ah, right! Straw Hat still has a decision to make! Who among the Foxy Pirates will he take for his crew?"_ Itomimizu asked, still on his loudspeaker.

"Yeah, yeah, hold your horses," I said, waving my hand as I jabbed my thumb at a snoring Luffy. "We _wanted_ to wait for Luffy to wake up naturally, but if you _insist…_ Chopper?"

The human-reindeer gave me a salute. "You got it, Cross." He dug a syringe of slightly… _moving_ liquid out of his pack and _delicately_ positioned it over Luffy's chest.

Then he swapped to his Muscle Point and _rammed_ the syringe into Luffy's chest, discharging its contents into him and causing him to jolt before leaping up onto his feet.

"Impwessive bedside mannah," Carue snickered.

" **HE LEARNED** _from the_ _ **best,"**_ Soundbite snarked queasily.

"Get off my back, Luffy's skin might be rubbery, but it's as thick as ox-hide! I need to use as much muscle as possible to get through to him! I'm pretty sure that _you_ must know what that's like."

"Withdrawn," Nami, Vivi and I chorused.

"Whoo! Better than smelling salts!" Luffy roared as he opened his eyes. "Ah! Wait, this isn't Makino's room!"

I opened my mouth and shut it with a click in the same instant. " _So many_ questions. And absolutely _none_ are in any way relevant to the issue at hand." I jabbed my thumb at the Foxy's gathered crew. "You won, captain, so now we need to pick one of these mooks to have on our crew."

"Oh, that's easy," Luffy said. "I choose…!"

The Foxy Pirates collectively sucked in a breath, waiting for the verdict that would change one of their lives forever...

"Hold it!"

When Usopp's voice caused them all to facefault at once.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!?" Foxy demanded.

"Just wait a second!" Usopp shot back before giving Luffy a hesitant look. "Luffy, Cross, I just want you both to know that I trust you two with my life, I _really_ do, but…" He spread his arms helplessly. "This is just _insane,_ even by our standards! Are you _really_ sure that you guys want to do this?"

Luffy looked pensive for a moment, but then grinned. "Don't worry, Usopp, it'll be fine! If they try anything, we can fight them off! Right?"

"…And there's his deadly charisma again," Usopp grumbled.

"And besides," I added in. "Unless you've missed it, I've been on something of a hot streak. A few hiccups, sure, but come on, don't you trust me?"

The sniper gave me a flat look. "You, I have much less confidence in."

I gave him a dry look right back. "Well, fuck you, too." I sighed wearily before spinning my fingers. "Alright, enough chit-chat, let's get this over with. Captain, if you wouldn't mind?"

"Right!" Luffy nodded before pointing into the crowd.

Or rather, pointing at its _front._ "Foxy!"

For a few seconds, the entirety of the Foxy Pirates froze. Then they erupted in indignant and desperate responses.

"CAPTAIN, NO!"

"THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"

" _CROSS, YOU VINDICTIVE BASTARD!"_ Porche shrieked, a scant few newtons from snapping her baton.

"This isn't funny, this isn't funny, this isn't funny…" Hamburg muttered on repeat.

"OH, THE HUMANITY! _OH, THE HUMANITY!"_ Itomimizu wept into his microphone.

"Ahem?"

"You and Monda lost that court case, Capote, I don't _have_ to say sapient-ity _,_ so back off!"

"Damn."

Foxy, for his part, stood silently for a moment before slowly approaching Luffy with a look of resignation that was slowly turning to peace. "I suppose that if I'm following a captain who can speak to Whitebeard without so much as a flinch, I can't exactly complain," he said. Then he bowed to his new captain. "Let it never be said that I do not respect the code of the Davy Back Fight. I hereby swear my loyalty to the Straw Hat Pirates."

"Perfect." I clasped my hands eagerly. "Now, follow us onto the Merry. We have a lot to talk abou—"

"A-AS ACTING CAPTAIN OF THE FOXY PIRATES!"

All attention snapped over to the mass of Foxy Pirates, where a voice had shrieked out.

Porche's head was bowed as her chest heaved, shivers racking her entire body before she looked up, rage and determination flooding her face as she jabbed a finger at Luffy, "I HEREBY CHALLENGE THE STRAW HAT PIRATES TO A ONE-COIN DAVY BACK FIGHT! W-WE HAVE MORE TO OFFER, IT'S PLAIN TO SEE THAT YOU NEED A SHIPWRIGHT FOR THAT BOAT OF YOURS! IT'S ON ITS LAST LEGS, SO IF YOU DON'T WANT IT TO SINK, YOU HAD… better…"

Porche trailed off as she found nineteen murderous glares trained on her. And just like that, her determination faded, and she fell on her knees and began to sob. "W-Who am I kidding? We can't beat them… we'll never get our Boss back…"

"Hey now, let's not jump to conclusions here."

Attention shifted over to me as I casually waved my hand. "I mean, maybe you will and maybe you won't. The situation is… complicated, to say the least."

Foxy narrowed his eyes. "If this is all a ploy for you to 'steal' me only to kick me off the crew, so help me—!"

"No, no, nothing like that," I swiftly assured him before pointing at the Merry. "Just… come with us to the Merry. Bring Porche and…" I trailed off as I eyed the infamous Four-Legged Dasher's _girth._ "On second thought, leave Hamburg. We need someone to keep the peace anyways. Meanwhile," I looked back at our crew. "We'll be joined by Luffy, Nami, Zoro, Vivi—"

"So, essentially, the brains behind the crew plus one?" Robin hummed innocently.

"Nice way of putting… it…" I glanced back at her. "There's some sort of insult in that question, isn't there?"

Robin just chuckled, and I huffed before turning around and starting to march towards the Merry, snatching Soundbite off of his bucket as I went. "Anyway, while we're doing business, everyone else will keep the peace here until we get back. Now…" I shot a vicious grin at Porche as I passed her. "Shall we go?"

 **-o-**

A few minutes later, the eight of us were in the Merry's kitchen, some seated and some standing, with Sanji's well-prepared platter cart sitting a short distance away.

"OK, first things first, Foxy. Before we get to the serious business, I need your powers to help with something," I stated, bringing over the cart. "Luffy is somehow capable of devouring this entire thing in the time it takes to blink. Fire your beam at him so we can see how he does it in slow motion."

Foxy and Porche both looked at me with expressions that clearly said 'Are you kidding me?'

"I'm quite serious. Let's just find out how this works, then we can move on to the more important things, alright?"

Foxy shrugged as he aimed his hand at Luffy. "If you say so. Slow-Slow Beam!"

The photons flew out and tagged Luffy, Luffy reached for the cart—

—and the next thing I knew, he was licking his lips in satisfaction, said cart no longer in sight. I blinked, and looked around. Zoro, Nami, Vivi, and Soundbite were all looking just as confused as I was, while Foxy and Porche were both astonished.

"You weren't kidding. But… what just—?"

The sound of paper fluttering drew everyone's attention up, and I stiffened as a note came to slap me in the center of my face. The others who knew what it meant stiffened as well, while Foxy and Porche were touching the ground with their jaws.

I grabbed the note, scanned over it, and then my eyes narrowed. " _There are things man was never meant to see. The secret behind Luffy's jaws is one of them. Be glad I managed to clock Kronos and grab that little stretch of time from existence, or else you'd have been TPK'd with your brains seeping out of your ears._ Do _try not to make me go back on what I said about favors again, because you won't be so lucky next time,_ " I read flatly before looking up with a slightly haunted look. "…Let us never speak of this again," I stated calmly.

"Agreed," Zoro, Nami, Vivi, and Soundbite said together. I clapped my hands and turned back to Porche and Foxy, both of whom were looking distinctly ill-at-ease.

"Alright, putting that behind us, let's get down to business. Foxy, I'll be blunt: before we showed up here, neither I nor any of my crewmates would have chosen you or anyone else from your crew to add to ours unless there was absolutely no choice, and even then, we probably would have just dismissed you straightaway. But I spent most of my brief period as one of your subordinates in your ship's library, reading your log book."

They both suddenly looked much more alert as I started pacing back and forth, a grim smile playing across my face. "Quite an interesting story it told, too. Once upon a time, the Foxy Pirates were just a lowly, average pirate crew from the South Blue. They raided merchant ships, attacked small coastal towns—never did any actual grievous harm, mind you!" I snapped my finger up when I noticed my crewmates starting to glare bloody murder at the increasingly nervous Foxy's. "They only ever looted and pillaged. Not an excuse, but at least they were better than most."

My crewmates subsided… marginally, anyways.

"At any rate, that's the way their story went for a good while." I stopped pacing as I gave Foxy a _look._ "Until _that day._ " Foxy looked away uncomfortably, obviously recognizing what I was referencing. "That fateful day, when you attacked a cargo ship _in spite_ of the Marine Battleship escorting them. Obviously, as indicated by their continued existence, the Foxy's won, but for some reason, the events of that day cut off shortly after the ships' sighting. The next entry it has is the crew burning water for Reverse Mountain to enter the Grand Line, as though all Seven Warlords were at their heels.

"And ever since then, well…" I spread my arms to indicate the room. "We just lived it. It's been all Davy Back Fights all the time. Sometimes the crew has flights of fancy with people too appealing to pass up, but for the most part, it's the best of the best, and no-one and nothing less. The crew has just kept growing since they entered the Grand Line, growing stronger and larger, and yet!" I stabbed my finger into the air. "Counterintuitively, _not_ seeming to have any interest in making a name for yourself beyond what you already have. Heck, even all of the gold and assets that you do manage to get your hands on just go straight to replenishing your supplies, and that to no more than the bare minimum necessary for survival—or at least, what you consider the bare minimum, with all that carnival food—or materials to expand your ship and weaponry."

I folded my arms smugly. "Do you know what that says to me? Do you know what conclusion I drew from that information, that made me risk and endure a _very_ grievous ordeal to convince my crew that we should recruit _you?"_

Foxy stared at me. Gone was the arrogant, ego-driven blowhard. All that remained was the kind of cold and calculated mind it would take to master the Slow-Slow Fruit into a weapon of destruction. "What _do_ you think happened _that day,_ Jeremiah Cross?" he asked slowly.

I promptly zipped over to him and _slammed_ my palms on the table, leaning over the top in order to look him in the eye. "I think that you _found_ something that day," I hissed. "A logbook, maneuvering orders, a shipping manifesto, only you and your original crewmates know for certain, and quite frankly, the specifics are irrelevant. What _matters_ is the conclusion that that information led you to. You got your hands on a tiny puzzle piece that day that you used to view the much _larger_ picture."

"And… what would this larger picture _be_ , Cross?" Vivi asked hesitantly.

My gaze never left Foxy as I answered. "That the Marines are gearing up for war."

It was like someone threw ice water on my crewmates. Or at least, most of my crewmates. Luffy was, of course, oblivious. I sighed, smirking, and locked eyes with him.

"Let me explain it to you this way, Luffy. Basically, Roger's last act didn't just inspire pirates to take to the Sea… he inspired _everyone_ to come to the Grand Line."

Hoping that I _hadn't_ imagined the spark of understanding I saw in Luffy's eyes, I continued. "Every last person with even a little power in all the Blues, those who listened, packed up, gathered their strength, and flooded into the Grand Line. There are weaklings like Krieg, like Bellamy, yes, but that call also draws in people like Crocodile. People like Zoro, people like Ace, people like _you._ People with _potential._ Roger's last words drew in every wanderer, prodigy and powerhouse in the world to a single place, and it's still drawing them. The Grand Line is a powderkeg of pure, barely restrained power, and when it blows, it's going to rock the world to its core. Possibly literally."

From Luffy's awestruck expression and the fact that he didn't automatically call it a 'mystery,' he seemed to have gotten the memo, and I smirked as I turned back to Foxy.

"It's true, Foxy. Ever since the Great Pirate Era began, people have been winding up and up and up, preparing and tensing and waiting, waiting… waiting for the _true_ storm Roger set in motion before he died to strike. And ever since you found that out, you've been doing the only thing you can: accumulating power and waiting for the day when it's time to batten down the hatches, nice and hard. You've been building a power base so that when the storm hits, you'll be able to survive with the power you've stockpiled."

I finished by leaning in close and giving Foxy a conspiratorial grin. "And that's something that you and I have in common."

Foxy and Porche both promptly stiffened in shock. "Wait, what?" the ex-captain blurted out.

"I learned about the storm too, Foxy," I smirked eagerly. "And ever since I joined this crew, I've been ramping us up just as much. I prompted 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo to enter the Grand Line, and he _worships_ Luffy, which means that he's a _very_ close ally. I inspired the Dugongs of Alabasta to form the Great Kung Fu Fleet. I have _numerous_ contacts in the Marine Corps, and they are _high_ in the ranks. I am _actively_ ingratiating our crew with the people of the world, earning the favor of the populace while tearing out the World Government's foundations. I've even sown a seed with Dragon the Revolutionary. And now?" I jabbed a finger in Foxy's chest. "Now _you,_ hopefully the crowning achievement of my career as the Straw Hat Pirates' PR officer thus far."

Foxy stared at me for a second, and then without warning, my collar was grabbed and I was wrenched around so that I was staring at Porche instead, whose expression was carefully controlled. "What are you proposing?" she asked slowly.

I blinked before nodding in understanding. "Ahhh, I see, you're the 'face' of the operation in all aspects. Well, alright, then. If I may sit?" I proceeded to sit once she released me. "Alright, here's what I propose: dissolve the Foxy Pirates and then _reform_ them under Foxy again, only this time as a subordina—"

" _Cross."_

I winced as Luffy's voice hit me like a blunt instrument. "Ah, okay… alright, let's try that again: reform as a _subdivision_ of the Strawhat Pirates, kind of like how Whitebeard runs his own crew?" I looked at Luffy for approval, and after a minute of _hard_ thinking (I could almost hear the gears grinding), he nodded in acceptance. With the captain's consent, I looked back at Porche, who was frowning thoughtfully.

"So you want us for our muscle…"

"Incorrect," I promptly denied. "I want to incorporate your efforts into our own by making Foxy the Commander of the Straw Hat Pirates' Recruitment Division. You'd keep doing what you've been doing for the past few years, albeit with a few restrictions, only now you'll be doing it with a bigger group of allies supporting you… not that anyone besides said group will know that. We'll paint you a slightly different Jolly Roger; you'll know that it signifies your alliance, but the rest of the world will think that it's proof of our victory against you, and we allowed you to sail again only flying a flag that proclaimed your greatest loss."

Porche exchanged looks with Foxy before refocusing on me. "You mentioned restrictions?"

"Rule the first," I held up a finger. "No more targeting innocent bystanders to goad people into accepting your challenge. That shit you tried to pull with Shelly was _unacceptable._ If you want to taunt and goad, that's all fine and dandy, too bad for the poor bastards, but if they're the kind of people you need to aim at civilians to piss them off, then I want you to extend an _open_ hand, and not a closed one with brass knuckles, got it?"

Porche shot a glare over her shoulder. "Told you that that was a _stupid_ plan."

Foxy ground his teeth for a second, but reluctantly nodded in agreement.

"Rule the second," I carried on, holding up a second finger. "Incorporate a Slaughter Rule. If you get over… one half of a crew or so, so many that the other crew can no longer operate, then the rest are allowed to join as well, no questions asked. No more crew-raiding and leaving the rest to rot, and if you need to start constructing a full-blown fleet to support them all, so be it."

Both Foxy _and_ Porche winced at that. "That'll _slaughter_ our budget…" Porche muttered to herself.

"Get a new one or find some alternative income," I bluntly stated. "Anyway, rule the third folds in with the second: no more snatching flags without redrawing them if they have them on their sails. I don't care how happy the ex-Fanged Frogs are now or how dickish their leftovers were, their blood is on _your_ hands, and if you get any more, we won't be happy. And as we've no doubt already displayed…" Soundbite promptly bared his teeth and Zoro clicked an inch of his blade out its sheath. "You won't like us when we're anything but happy."

Porche grimaced and exchanged glances with her former captain. Then she looked back at us. "And what happens if I say no?"

"Then _that_ will be when we dismiss Foxy from our crew," Vivi stated.

Both of the Foxy's looked quizzical, and the ex-captain spoke up. "So, let me get this straight. If Porche declines, you let me go, and I get to take command of my crew again. If Porche accepts, I take command of my crew again, but I stay under your restrictions from now on. Either way, nothing really changes?"

"Well, there is _one_ difference," Nami said, smiling in a way that instantly put the two on their guard as she moved towards a corner of the room. "Usopp is the best artist on the crew, he's the one who drew our flag and sail. If you accept, we'll have him draw your new Jolly Roger. Otherwise, we'll leave it to Luffy."

She grinned like the cat that got the canary as she unfolded a specific black cloth from a chest in the room. "Here, we saved Luffy's attempt at drawing our Jolly Roger for future reference. Take a look."

Porche took one look at the cloth and promptly made most residents of Thriller Bark look alive by comparison. "… This is _blackmail_."

 **"DID YOU FORGET** _THE PIRATE GAME_ _we played_ **not ten minutes ago?"**

Porche grimaced more, but Foxy…

"Fehfehfeh… FEHFEHFEHFEHFEH!"

Foxy started to laugh.

"FEHFEHFEHFEHFEH! I've spent years upon years honing my skills, and not only do you beat me at my own game three times in a row, but you offer me the ultimate support to advance my goals!" he cackled before pointing a finger at Luffy. "You, sir, are a soft-hearted moron, and _you—"_ He pointed at _me._ "Are a smug, smart-ass son of a bitch, but, I must acknowledge that I'd have to be a fool to pass up a chance like this and risk having you as my enemies down the line. Porche?" Foxy turned his attention to the diva.

"Yes, bo—er…"

"No, that's the right title. As of this moment, you're conceding command of the Foxy Pirates to me and we're sailing under the flag of the Strawhats. Incognito, but still." He cocked his head slightly. "Do you have a problem with that?"

She snapped into a salute without hesitation, a goofy grin on her lips. "Not a one, boss!"

"Welcome to the crew!" I said, clapping her on the back with a cheeky grin. "Now, how about you take Luffy out and break the news to the rest of the crew? I imagine there'll be some unrest and you'll need all the muscle you can get."

Porche grinned and began to saunter over to Luffy. "Well, then, _Captain—"_ she began in a sultry voice.

"Oh, and by the way? Brain of a five-year-old and a libido to match."

" _Damn,_ I just can't catch a break today," Porche grumbled as she snapped away from Luffy and marched out the door, leaving Luffy blinking in confusion.

"Uh… did I do something wrong?"

"SO MANY ANSWERS, **so little time,"** Soundbite sighed wistfully.

"Just go and guarantee that the Foxy's don't revolt," I rolled my eyes before pausing and giving him a worried look. "To confirm, you're alright with this?"

Luffy blinked at me in honest confusion. "Well, sure, why not? This is all pretty much your thing, and it's not doing anything other than getting us more crewmates which isn't bad, so I don't see a problem. What about you guys?"

"All I see is a captain who's making _way_ too much sense…" Zoro sighed heavily.

"As long as they keep to the conditions we've set, the benefits should outweigh the costs," Vivi shrugged.

"Hmm… well, as a subdivision, surely you'll be willing to give some monetary support to—" Nami began with a grin at Foxy.

" _That,"_ Foxy interrupted firmly. "Is Porche's department. As captain, I have the authority to change it, but she's the treasurer. In any case, don't expect too much; you have less than two dozen mouths to feed, only half of which need clothing, while I have more than 500 crewmates to feed _and_ clothe, and counting!"

"Oh, trust me, I'll take that into consideration," Nami said, though the firmness with which she said it seemed to mollify Foxy. That firmness then faded into a downright _lewd_ grin. "Buuut, a small portion of a large fortune is a large portion for us! Excuse me, I have negotiating—"

"Hold it, Nami."

"What?" she snapped.

"Before we get to that, we should let the rest of our allies know about Foxy," I said, removing Soundbite from my shoulder and the transceiver from my bag. Nami's frustration faded and she nodded, prompting me to pick up the mic as Luffy followed after Porche. Soundbite needed no prompting to dial, and two rings later…

" _Pisces,"_ came the distorted but recognizable voice that I'd been expecting.

" _Cancer,"_ came another voice, less expected but equally recognizable.

"Ophiuchus," I stated calmly. "I'm calling in regards to the proposal that Capricorn provided, with another proposed pirate crew to serve as ideal allies."

" _Don't tell me, let me guess,"_ Cancer drawled. " _You somehow managed to convince that fox to join you?"_

"He had to convince the rest of us to go along with it first," Nami said. "And it took a couple of hours for us to convince ourselves that he was actually Cross before we'd listen."

"Almost not worth it," I grumbled before shaking my head and smirking. "Anyway, yes. As far as the rest of the world will know, Luffy chose his Jolly Roger as his prize for winning the Captain's Duel, and we gave him a slightly different new one as a symbol of our victory, so he has every reason to hate us. The truth? Luffy picked Foxy as his crewmate, and after some bargaining, he's agreed to become the head of our Recruitment Division, with the rest of his old crew joining wholesale. As such, he'll keep on going with the Davy Back Fights, and he'll be gathering many allies that would ordinarily never consider joining us. He's here now, actually, so why don't you two introduce yourselves?"

"… _I suppose we shouldn't even bother arguing, otherwise you'd just pull the 'I've never been wrong yet' card, wouldn't you?"_

"Hey, believe me, I wouldn't have planned this before I learned all of the details; even I didn't know everything," I promptly defended. "But what I've seen in the past few hours is enough to tell me that he's got a lot more potential than I thought. He's part of our crew now, he'll keep our secrets."

Cancer was silent for a moment before sighing. " _Fine. Soundbite, drop it. Foxy the Silver Fox?"_

"Yes?" Foxy asked cautiously.

" _I am Commodore 'White Hunter' Smoker, codename Cancer, cofounder of the Marine Corps splinter cell MI4."_

" _And I'm Ensign Tashigi, codename Pisces, Commodore Smoker's second and another cofounder of MI4."_

"I am Ophiuchus, informant of MI4, an organization composed purely of Marines who have decided to act on the injustice that the Corps provides," I explained to a thunderstruck Foxy. "The other two leaders are going under the names Capricorn and Scorpio. Our goal is to destroy the World Government from the ground up to ensure that the injustice dies."

" _Capricorn recently came to the conclusion that we could benefit from employing unconventional allies, and I informed Cross of it. So, it looks like you're our first one, Foxy the Silver Fox. Welcome aboard,"_ Tashigi said.

"Please note that if you divulge the identities of those involved and in any way compromise this endeavor, we will hunt you down and we will do things to you that will make all of Impel Down look like _San Faldo_ in comparison, capiche?" I stated.

Foxy was left gaping for a solid minute. Finally, he shook his head. "You inspired a group of Marines to form their own version of the Revolutionary Army. Well, if it wasn't official before, it sure as hell is now: I made the right choice allying with a crew like yours, if only because I'd rather be at your back or your side then under your feet." He then gave me a searching look. "So… does this change what I'm expected to do at all?"

"Passive duties, not active, don't worry. Your job will also be to gauge any Marines you come across, and pass the recommendations on to either us or Tashigi, whether for recruitment or court-martialing," I replied. I then snapped my fingers as a thought struck me. "Also, if you cross paths with the Kung-Fu Fleet or the Barto Club, tell them the truth about what happened, you can trust them."

Foxy nodded solemnly. "Fair enough. So…" He grinned childishly. "Do I get a codename as well?"

" _Hmph… it's a good idea, but I think we should limit the Western Zodiac code names to Marines, apart from Cross. And he barely even counts,"_ Smoker said.

"Wait to say that until _after_ my plan to sway an entire _island_ for MI4 fails," I snapped.

" _I'm not holding my breath, Cross,"_ Smoker deadpanned.

" _And I think he actually meant how Ophiuchus is considered an_ unofficial _member of the Zodiac,"_ Tashigi offered hesitantly.

" _That too."_

"…I withdraw my comment," I coughed in embarrassment, accepting the dopeslap Vivi offered me with dignity.

"Ah… may I suggest using the Eastern Zodiac instead? The Snake would be fitting, yes?" Foxy offered.

"Mmm… nah, I think Goat suits you better," I grinned.

"WHAT?"

"Well, to be fair, you're not a reptile," Vivi pointed out.

"BUT-BUT-BUT—!"

"Oh, and tell Capricorn to offer 'Rooster' to Barto when she gets the chance," I suggested.

" **He's certainly** _ **LOUD ENOUGH!"**_ Soundbite chortled.

"I-I-WHY NOT—?"

"You're an _expert_ at underhanded tricks, not a _master_. Train more, and we'll talk," Zoro grinned.

"YOU—BUT—I—BUT—!"

" _Foxy? Friendly recommendation from someone who has had_ way _too much firsthand experience with the Straw Hats: quit while you're ahead and try to salvage what little sanity you have left,"_ Tashigi said.

Foxy looked at the snail, teeth grit, and then sighed in defeat. "… So be it. Goat would have been my second choice, I suppose."

" _Alright, that aside, anything else you want to talk to us about,_ Handbag?"

Silence. Dead silence as all of us stared at the snail as it started to shift about uncomfortably. " _I-I-I just wanted to try to pay Cross back for mocking my codename, and-and snakeskin makes good design for—"_

" **Go to your room, Tashigi.** _You know what you did wrong,"_ Soundbite said, halfway between disgusted and grinning like a loon.

" _Wha—? But—!"_

" _You heard the snail, Ensign,"_ Smoker growled, and I _swear_ that he was smirking as he said it.

" _B-B-But I—!…Y-Yes, Commodore,"_ Tashigi sighed, followed by the sound of footfalls, and a door opening and then closing.

"…Is it always like this?" Foxy asked no one in particular.

"Welcome to the Strawhats!" I grinned as I slung my arm over his shoulder. "And yes, it _is_ too late to get out. Good luck!"

The resulting whimper was _very_ satisfying.

 **-o-**

To no great surprise, the remainder of the Foxy Pirates had accepted the deal with relative ease. So, after exchanging numbers, all that was left was for us to give them a different Jolly Roger to sail under. The new skull resembled Su's head, and our captain's signature Straw Hat was attached to the scalp by a chain. At Foxy's pleading, however, we wrote out his name on the sail again. As satisfied as they could be, the Foxy Pirates released the Merry and departed, their well-repaired ship sailing away beyond the horizon.

Zoro, Nami, and Robin were more on their guard as they watched the ship sail away, and I along with them. Maybe we could find some way to dodge Aokiji? Unlikely, but the plains here were wide enough without going back to—

"Hey, kids, congratulations! How about I treat you to some victory cheese?"

Tonjit's house. Damn it.

"Ooh, sure thing, old man! Come on, you guys, let's—"

"Oh, come on, Luffy, that cheese is 10 years old!" I hastily objected, _somehow_ managing to keep the existential dread I felt out of my voice.

"Who cares? VICTORY CHEESE!" Luffy cheered. I hid my dawning horror with a genuine facepalm.

"Guys? Any chance for a veto here?" I requested with the barest hint of desperation.

"Considering how the log hasn't reset yet?" Nami asked flatly as she held her arm up. "None. Besides, while it might not look all that interesting, I still want to take a look at the local geography."

My heart slowly sank further and further as the rest of the crew sounded out their agreements, and I ultimately sighed in defeat as we began walking towards Tonjit's house.

Lassoo trotted up next to me and glanced up with a flat look. "We're heading straight towards a bad situation, aren't we?" My clenched jaw was answer enough. "Great… and the reason why you aren't telling them?"

I shook my head with a sigh. "Because this isn't a coincidence, we've been targeted, and _not!"_ I snapped my finger up to forestall anything he might say. "Because of the SBS, so this isn't on me." I ran my hand down my face with a groan. "Either way, even if we didn't meet him at Tonjit's house, he'd _still_ come after us, and when he did…"

"We'd be fighting him on the Merry and possibly put her in danger," Lassoo finished with a growl. "Let me guess, this isn't a fight that we're going to walk out of easy?"

"If he wasn't such an easygoing bastard, we wouldn't be walking away at all," I growled back. "And as it is, Chopper's probably going to have his hooves full. Be ready with the Plaster-Palm combo."

The dog-gun inclined his head with a low snarl, and we continued on in relative silence.

"Cross?"

Up until the last person I felt comfortable talking to right now gathered my attention. "Yes, Robin?" I asked quietly.

She silently walked beside me for a moment before subtly glancing at me. "I've asked you this before, but this time I'd like a more precise answer: what do you know about Ohara?"

I mulled over the question, trying to determine how to answer it effectively without giving too much away. "About its history and everyday life? Not much. But I saw everything that happened on the day the island was destroyed…" I debated with myself for a moment before continuing hesitantly. "…and some of the events leading up to it, too."

She stopped walking, and I stopped beside her. She stared at me for a few seconds, and then…

"…How did I not see it before?" she breathed. "I should have realized it in Skypiea, when you told me that the majority of your knowledge is centered around this crew and their lives. You know so much about Ohara because you know my past."

Her eyes seemed to sharpen. "You knew even back in Whiskey Peak. The war, the Poneglyph, Crocodile's betrayal, Luffy saving my life when I wanted to die… you saw it all coming. You knew that I would become a Straw Hat Pirate."

"… Yeah," I confirmed with a sigh as I started walking forward again, Robin keeping pace with me. "But the question is, Robin… have you become one? We've been waiting all of this time for you to finally accept us as your crew, as your friends, and…" I smiled happily as I remembered the past few days. "You're… a lot more accepting at this point then I ever thought you'd be." I gave her a hopeful look. "I… I'll admit, I'm more than ready to tell you the secret behind my knowledge…" I put my hand on her shoulder. "…if you're ready to finally trust us." I nodded my head at the rest of the crew ahead. " _All_ of us."

Her expression was clearly conflicted. She looked around at all of the crew, human and otherwise, and though she flinched as her eyes met Vivi's form, for the most part, she seemed to be convincing herself. She looked back at me, then back at the rest of the crew, and opened her mouth.

But all that came out was a horrified gasp as she froze up in shock and fell to the ground. I stared at her paralyzed form in horror for a mere second before snapping my gaze ahead and confirming that it was in response to a very real threat. Almost unconsciously, I stepped in front of her and Lassoo moved beside me, growling threateningly at the tall, black-haired, white and blue clad man standing in front of Tonjit's house, who removed his sleeping mask and looked around at us.

Everyone else was immediately on guard at seeing Robin shaken up as she was, and Vivi and Carue's own panicked expressions did little to help matters. At this moment, all I could do was do my best to protect my friend from one of, if not _the_ single strongest individual we would personally meet in Paradise.

"My, my. So, you must be the infamous Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite. You've certainly managed to make some most troubling friends, Nico Robin," Admiral Aokiji casually stated.

 **Cross-Brain AN: We blame the Slow-Slow curse for the fact that this chapter is a week late. Once again, it wasn't trolling this time, it was genuine difficulties. Here's hoping that we don't have such a problem again anytime soon.**

 **Hornet AN: I was working, Xomniac was moving, and The Patient One… well, he was busy, too, I just can't summarize in one word.**

 **Patient AN: I'd rather not talk about it… though in retrospect, call me crazy, but I** _ **think**_ **that our slowness** _ **might**_ **be due to us trying to cram an entire arc into one chapter. Maybe, just maybe…**

 **Xomniac AN: Well, I for my part am moved in and will hopefully have more free time. For now, we hope you enjoyed the longest chapter of This Bites! to date! Oh, and DuncanIdaho2014, you want me to take pride in my own work? Alright, here's some pride: top this.**


	37. Chapter 35 - Long Ring Long Land Pt 2

**Chapter 35**

 **Xomniac AN: Just a note to our readers so as to correct a misconception that some of you seem to have. Apparently some readers have taken to believe from our apologies about our late chapters that other readers are giving us a hard time about our posting schedule. This could not be farther from the truth. All of our readers on all of** _ **This Bites!**_ **posting sites have been nothing but accommodating for when we post. The only individuals who give us a hard time about when we post are we ourselves. We of the Cross-Brain** _ **pride**_ **ourselves on our weekly update schedule, and we consider missing our Sunday update to be a mark against us!**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Ah, yes. And, to our rival, DuncanIdaho2014, author of New Game Plus, currently the third most popular One Piece fic in the fandom, we have a few words to say. Ahem…**

 **Hornet AN: DUNCAN, YOU JACKASS!**

 **Xomniac AN: DAMN IT YOU RAT-BASTARD, WE WERE** _ **MINUTES**_ **AWAY FROM FINISHING!** _ **MERE FUCKING MINUTES!**_ **WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU,** _ **PSYCHIC!?**_

 **Patient AN: You put out a work that thoroughly upstages at least one aspect of our own ideas, and then that blasted cliffhanger… WELL. Let's see how you feel with the cliffhanger waiting for** _ **you**_ **at the end of this chapter. *Grins menacingly.***

I clenched my fists as I tried to stay calm and keep my thoughts straight about the situation. On the surface and based on a _few_ of his past actions, Aokiji could be just barely considered a decent Marine, but his attitude of Lazy Justice was just too fickle for me to even consider letting my guard down. I'd managed to fast-talk Smoker because his morals were strong and firm, but if I tried the same thing on either of the two non-psychotic admirals? If at any point, for even a second, an _instant,_ they got bored or disagreed with me in any way, shape or form, I'd end up as either a humanoid dry-ice popsicle or a freaking burnt _sieve_.

The only mercy was that, most likely, he wouldn't be hostile right away, but considering how much I had done on the SBS, if he was in any kind of order-following mood then I was _screwed._

So… yeah, no pressure.

"Robin, what's wrong? Do you know this guy?" Luffy demanded.

"We met once before," Aokiji lazily stated.

"To terrify Robin like this… Cross, _who is he?"_ Nami demanded.

I swallowed heavily as I clenched and unclenched my hands, trying my best to keep my blood from freezing in my veins… which, given the fact that the air was almost certainly several degrees colder than it had been a few minutes ago, was an all-too-real possibility. "One of the three individuals who compose the Marine's Ultimate Military Force and all but guarantee the Corps' position as being one of the Big Three superpowers in the world today: Marine Corps Admiral Aokiji. Though you sure as hell wouldn't believe it if he wasn't being serious."

The reaction from our crew was immediate, sonorous, and above all else, _panicked._

"A-Admiral?! What the hell is someone like that doing here? Shouldn't he be chasing down some pirate with a billion beri bounty or something?!" Usopp cried incredulously before stiffening and slowly starting to look towards me, and I stiffened in terror as well as I accepted the reality of the possibility. Shit, had I _really_ done so much damage that they'd send an _Admiral_ after me?! I mean, I could only imagine why Akainu wasn't literally burning down the Grand Line to get at me, but—!

"Don't worry, don't worry, he doesn't have a bounty yet…" Aokiji waved his hand casually. "Not that they don't want to assign you one, it's just that the World Government is still trying to properly define his crimes, is all. Nobody's ever really… _done_ what he's done before. Well, that and we don't have a picture yet."

I relaxed as he said that, though I was having trouble reading his tone. I suppose I was hoping that I could get some hint of approval or disapproval from his voice. I took that chance to speak up. "So… you're _not_ here on anyone's orders?"

The admiral shrugged nonchalantly. "Nah, I'm just out for a walk, no need to panic."

"Oh, well, that's good, then! Care to join us for some 'cheese'?" I asked in a hopefully casual voice. Fortunately, much of the crew face-faulted in response to my question, and the resulting amusement helped me calm down some.

"Y-Y-You can all relax, I think," Vivi stuttered. "I-I-In my experience, Aokiji does seem to be the… tamest of the Admirals."

"Ah, Your Majesty," Aokiji nodded at her, his eyes traveling to her chest. "Nice boobs. Are you free tonight?"

Sanji and Vivi made sounds like geese being strangled underwater, and it clearly took an effort for the cook to restrain himself from attacking.

"Gross, you must be like three times her age!" Su shuddered in disgust.

I myself felt a sweatdrop weighing down on my temple. Yeeeaaah, I'd forgotten about this little scene…

"Vivi, is this guy seriously an admiral?" Usopp asked incredulously.

"Yes," she, Carue, and I said together, and Vivi grimaced before continuing. "Though Su has a point, I don't recall him being so… perverse last time I met him."

"You didn't have a body then and I got older," Aokiji shrugged. "Anyway, no need for you to panic; like I said, I'm just out for a walk. You guys are… uh…" He scratched the side of his head for a second before shrugging indifferently. "Ah, forget it."

"YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!"

"I uphold the motto 'Lazy Justice'," he said.

"WE CAN SEE THAT!" More than a few veins popped on foreheads as the crew roared at him.

"Anyway… don't mind me, I'm getting tired of standing," he said, shifting his position so that he was lying down.

"Is this guy _really_ one of the strongest Humanity has to offer?" Leo questioned incredulously.

"Lemme put it this way." I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder with a grim look. "If he wanted us dead, we'd be corpses a quarter-mile that way."

Most of the crew stared at me in shock, while Aokiji waved his hand dismissively. "Now, now, Mister Cross, hold on a second, that estimation is entirely inaccurate."

I blinked in surprise. "Really? I thought that would be well within your range?"

"He means that you're _under_ estimating him, Cross," Robin whispered numbly. "If he'd wanted, he could have easily sunk us while we were still several miles offshore…"

I promptly felt my gut drop out from me as the memories of the manga came flooding back. "Oh. Yeah, that… that sounds about right," I replied, just barely keeping the wobble out of my voice. "I think I might have blocked that out."

"This guy is that strong?" Conis whimpered fearfully.

I cocked my head to the side. "We… _might_ be underselling him a bit…"

"Yeah, well, don't worry about it…" Aokiji sighed lazily (how else?) as he scratched his side. "I just decided to wander around a bit to gather information on two subjects: whether Nico Robin had decided to leave Alabasta or burrow in for the long haul, and to gauge just what kind of a person one rabble-rouser named Jeremiah Cross is like."

I allowed myself a grim smile at that. "Wow, way to make a guy feel _special,_ Admiral."

Aokiji ignored me, looking at the archaeologist on the ground behind me. "Nico Robin, I must honestly say that I am a bit surprised. I was expecting to find Jeremiah here, obviously, but you? You've always made it a point to be as incognito as possible from the last time I saw you up until now. And despite that, you're staying with a pirate crew that's become the most well-known in the world."

Robin stared back, unmoving, for a few seconds before Aokiji shrugged. "Well, I'm not questioning your choice. But that does mean I'll have to let HQ know so the crew's bounty can be… what's the word? Right, recalculated. 100 million plus 60 million plus 55 million plus 79 million is—"

"A number too big for you to calculate because you just can't be bothered to work up the energy," I cut in, earning several incredulous looks, Robin's more than anyone else's.

Aokiji looked at me before shrugging again. "Eh, you're right, they can calculate it themselves," he said.

"Seriously?" Zoro muttered, sweatdropping in disbelief.

"What do you want with Robin and Cross?" Luffy asked, anger clear in his voice.

"He-Hey, Luffy, there's no need to get worked up, he just said he's here on a walk!" Usopp hastily said.

"He's right, Luffy, don't pick a fight with an admiral! You can't win a fight against someone like him!" Vivi protested, though her protestations were far more desperate.

"Like I said, I'm not planning on doing anything while I'm here," Aokiji said with a sweatdrop.

"And we're going to trust the words of the Admiral whose sense of Justice is only barely less wishy-washy than Kizaru's because…?" I trailed off dryly.

Aokiji stared at me silently for a moment before sighing and waving his hand. "Eh, I'd argue but it doesn't seem worth the effort."

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO DEFEND YOURSELF!?" Usopp demanded incredulously.

"How did someone like _this_ traumatize Robin?" Donny muttered in confusion.

"Anyway… I heard something while I was napping. You," he said, pointing at Tonjit, who glanced around in confusion before pointing at himself. "I wasn't in a deep sleep, so I heard what you said. You want to get back to your village, right? Pack your things."

"Hey, don't listen to him!" Luffy said hastily. "He's—"

"The good guy, you moron," I deadpanned.

"—the good guy, you moron, you shouldn't—wait, what?" Luffy said, looking back at me. Then his eyes lit up, and he pounded his fist in his hand. "Oh, right! We're the bad guys, so the Marines are the good guys. Sometimes I forget! Shishishi!"

"So much for him being smarter," Usopp muttered to Vivi, who was massaging her temples with an exasperated groan.

Boss, meanwhile, was eyeing the Admiral suspiciously. "And how exactly do you propose to do that, huh?" He gestured his fin towards the coastline. "I've been in those waters, swam out a bit. The currents are completely unreadable, and the paths between the island peaks are too deep to track from the surface. I just don't see—!"

THOCK THOCK THOCK!

"Hey, what the—!?" Boss glared up at me as I rapped my knuckles on his shell.

"Ladies and gentlemen, for today's grand prize, name the two-word phrase that explains _anything_ past the point of argument," I announced.

"OH! OH!" Soundbite waved his eyestalk eagerly. " _ **What is 'DEVIL FRUIT'?"**_

"Correctamundo!" I crowed as I pointed at Soundbite. "Congratulations, little snail, you've just won an all-expenses paid trip to the wonderful festival island of San Faldo!"

" **Woohoo!"**

"Ah, I'm sorry, but…" Conis spoke up hesitantly. "I know that Devil Fruits can be very powerful, yes, but the gap between the high points of the island must be extremely long! Is there really a power capable of spanning them like that?"

"Yes…"

I winced self-consciously as Robin's weary voice spoke up behind me, prompting me to shoot a guilty look over my shoulder. To think that I'd forgotten about the very real panic attack she was seconds away from suffering while I tried to keep myself calm…

"His powers," Robin continued fearfully. "They are more than capable of accomplishing the task…"

From there, the good part of our meeting with the admiral went as I had expected it to. An ordeal of packing for Tonjit, an uninjured Sherry promising to get him there fast, and an uneventful walk to the coast a good distance away from Merry. Well, almost uneventful, anyways. As we went, one of my fellow mates came up beside me.

"So, aren't you going to—?" Nami began, only for me to cut her off with a motion across my throat. Thankfully, she only needed to take one look at my dead-serious expression to slow her pace a little and fall back behind as though nothing had happened. Once that was handled, I watched Aokiji for a second before moving to the edge of the group, where Robin was only just managing to keep pace. She barely even spared me a glance before renewing her vigil on the Admiral's back.

"That was foolish, Cross," she whispered without so much as looking at me. "I have no doubt that you know how strong this man is; the entire crew working together would have no chance of defeating him."

"And yet, if he provoked you enough, you'd ignore all of that and try to snap him in half, despite knowing that it would do nothing," I whispered back before raising my hands when she snapped a look at me. "But! I get where you're coming from and you're right. I'm sorry, I was acting like an idiot back there, but with me I either put up a strong front or I act like any other person, and on the Grand Line, breaking down just isn't an option. Just…" I rubbed my chin thoughtfully for a second before coming to a conclusion. "Just stay coo— _calm,_ alright? He'll no doubt try and push your buttons, get you to _give_ him an excuse to strike, but it _won't work,_ got it?"

Robin bit her lip as she looked at Aokiji again. "I can't guarantee that, Cross. He… He _knows_ me, knows what to say…"

"And I know something even better than that," I cut her off, grabbing her shoulder. "I know the _truth._ He can twist it and paint it however he wants, I know what _really_ happened. And honestly, that should be enough. After all…" I leaned forward slightly and gave her an honest smile. "If anyone here knows just how powerful the truth can be in the face of adversity, it's the heiress of Ohara, right?"

Robin flinched enough that she stopped walking as I said that, but she recovered the next second, nodding as she continued moving forward. And as she walked, I was gratified to see that there was at least _some_ measure of confidence in her step.

" _When this_ **is over,** _ **I WANNA KNOW**_ _MORE_ ABOUT OHARA," Soundbite said in my ears.

I grumbled slightly as I started moving forward again. "With any luck, you'll learn it soon enough from her own mouth," I breathed back, too quietly for anyone but him to hear.

And from there, the walk was uneventful. The only thing that really surprised me, though I suppose that it shouldn't have, was that by the time we actually reached the coast, Luffy seemed to have warmed up to Aokiji. I vaguely remembered something about that in the story, but was he actually _this_ friendly? Well, either way, it wasn't quite to the point where he was calling him by name buuut…

"So, what are you going to do? You can't swim if you have a Devil Fruit, so… are you going to fly them across? That'd be so cool!"

"Heh," Aokiji smirked, somewhat bitterly. "Sorry, Straw Hat, but the only fruit I know of that could carry this much through the air is the Float-Float Fruit, and the pirate who ate that hasn't been active since Roger's execution. Just watch. And move back for a minute, please…"

Everyone complied, watching quietly as Aokiji dipped his hand into the water. I shook my head at Soundbite, who seemed confused for a moment before his eyes widened massively, and he grit his teeth to keep from crying out. I turned back towards the ocean in time to catch the massive yellow sea king as it breached the surface and (rather stupidly) bullrushed Aokiji.

"O-OH NO, IT'S THE MASTER OF THE LOCAL SEAS!" Tonjit cried fearfully.

"I-It's going to eat him!" Conis cried as she started to swing her Burn Bazooka off her back.

"Shit!" Leo cursed in agreement, one sword unsheathed and the other halfway out, the rest of the squad mirroring him.

"Wait!"/ "Hold it."

Conis looked incredulously at the fox clinging tightly to her shoulder, fur fluffed out to the max, while the four dugongs obediently, though nervously, ceased preparing their weapons at their teacher's command and raised fist.

"Don't bother." Boss grimly huffed out a cloud of smoke as he stared dead ahead. "You're already too late."

"Yeah…" Su nodded nervously, her ears and tail twitching with frantic energy. "Can't you tell? It's obvious, so, _so_ obvious. That thing…"

Aokiji glanced up at the aquatic titan with cold disdain.

"…it's already dead."

" **Ice Age."**

And just like that, the world _stopped._

There was no other word for it. Everything around us just flat out _stopped. Moving._ Not just the ocean, frozen into a solid chunk of matter, and not just the Sea King that was now the world's largest ice sculpture. I mean the _whole world_ up and literally froze. The wind, the grass, my own freaking _heartbeat…_ quite simply, the stupidly _huge_ display of power before us _literally_ stole the breath from my lungs, as in I _felt_ it whoosh out on account of the sheer impact the scene had on me, and I had no doubt that everyone else present experienced the exact same sensation.

Of course, from the burning chill in my lungs, the sheer wave of _cold_ hitting me might have had something to do with it as well.

For a few brief seconds, the world was well and truly at peace…

Until the _CRACK!_ of the frosted-over Admiral standing up broke the silence.

"H-Holy crap…" Lassoo whimpered in awe.

"S-Su, how did you—?" Conis started to stammer out.

"You know that 'animal instinct' thing where animals know when a storm's about to hit or something like that?" Su shivered fearfully as she shrunk as far away from Aokiji as she could. "Kinda firing on full cylinders at the moment."

"…I think this is the last time I underestimate someone who acts weird," Donny squeaked.

"Good, you'll live longer," Boss grit out grimly, his 'knuckles' white as they gripped the ropedart at his side.

Nami gave me a horrified look. "And there are _two others_ like him?!" she whispered.

"Oh, no, no, nooo." I shook my head grimly. "There aren't two _like_ him. There are two others who are _worse_ than him." I jerked my chin at the Admiral. "At least he has _some_ measure of respect for human life."

Nami went white as a sheet, a stark contrast to most of the rest of the crew, who followed down after Tonjit to see him off with smiles. The only other one who stayed within earshot was Zoro. "So, any advice for when he attacks?"

"Just one thing: protect Robin," I muttered back before following the rest of the crew.

…Because as dire as the situation was about to be, the current state? Walking on the frozen ocean and staring at a sculpture that had been a living, frothing sea king not moments ago was truly a once-in-a-lifetime event. Even if the sea king in question must have been brain-dead stupid if it didn't recognize that it was attacking someone who could only be defined as an apex predator. Meh, call it Darwin in action. The point was, the whole scene was just as awe-inspiring as it was absolutely terrifying.

Alas, the farewell to Tonjit couldn't take longer than it took for him to go out of sight, and consequently, for Luffy to finally notice the cold. At that point, I walked closer to Sanji, and as I was casually passing him by, I muttered, "Help Zoro. Protect Robin."

It was a serious credit to Sanji that he didn't even hesitate or pause, merely altering his gait _ever_ so slightly so that he was shadowing-but-not-shadowing Robin.

All too soon we were back on dry land, and all too soon Aokiji sank into a sitting position with a world-weary sigh. Luffy tilted his head in confusion while Zoro and Sanji exchanged looks of understanding.

"What's wrong?" Luffy asked curiously.

"How do I put this… you're the spitting image of your grandfather, Monkey D. Luffy," Aokiji said tiredly, prompting the rubber man to stiffen. "You're both wild souls, neither of you willing to let anyone tell you what to do…"

"Y-You know my grandpa?!" Luffy whimpered fearfully, looking about ten seconds away from bolting.

"How could he not know him, Luffy?" I asked dryly. "Heck, he probably _trained_ him."

Turns out that ice-men _are_ capable of shivering, though I suspect it was more out of existential terror than cold. "Not on your life. I was lucky enough to be trained by a different member of that particular generation of loonies. He was harsh, sure, but I'd take him over the 'Fist of Love' any day."

The display of horror from both Luffy _and_ Aokiji was enough to make _everyone_ anxious and incredulous.

"Well, this explains why Luffy is such a monster: it runs in the family," Sanji muttered.

"Oh-ho-ho, you have _no_ idea," I chuckled. "You want a frame of reference for how nuts the old man is, how about—"

"I would rather _not_ have a frame of reference, thank you," Aokiji interrupted. "And to continue my earlier thought, as bad as Straw Hat is, you're making him even worse," he slowly turned his gaze to me, "Mister Jeremiah Cross."

That was unexpected, but what he said next was even _worse._ "Maybe I should just kill you all right here and now. The World Government sees Cross as a threat more than anyone, but analysis through official reports and your SBS has shown that your crew as a whole is a determined group of individuals. Half of your number may be animals, but your size is nothing to scoff at. One day, you'll surely become an acute threat. From the time that Straw Hat received his first bounty up until now, your growth has been extraordinary. And though for the most part you've only preyed on pirates or tyrants unless the situation demanded otherwise, such as with Navarone, you've made no secret of the fact that you despise the World Government."

"Wh-Why are you saying all of this?! You said you were just out for a walk!" Usopp stammered.

"Believe me, when it comes to him and Kizaru, that only means they don't _feel_ like killing you at _that_ moment." I shifted on my feet uncomfortably. "Ten seconds later? Whole different story."

"And if Cross' impossibly comprehensive knowledge isn't enough, your crew is now especially dangerous… because of you, Nico Robin," Aokiji continued, completely ignoring us.

"So you're saying that you want to take Robin away from us?!" Luffy snarled, adopting a fighting stance while Zoro and Sanji both flanked Robin, whose face was a mask of impassiveness.

"Now, now, let me explain…" Aokiji waved his hand placatingly. "It's not quite so simple. See, the size of a person's bounty does not merely reflect their combat capabilities. It also reflects how much of a threat that person is to the World Government." He pointed at Robin. "That's why she had such a large bounty placed on her head at the age of eight. Since then, Nico Robin has always been something of a survivor. Betraying those who gave her shelter, using them as shields so that she could escape to a new group. And now, rather than hiding in a warzone, she's picked this crew as a new set of scapegoats, and one as globally active as this?" He shook his head with a sigh. "I find myself concerned by these circumstances, to say the least."

Despite my forewarning, Robin's semi-calm mask cracked clean through and exposed the terror she was feeling; the admiral's words shook her, and I had to actively remind myself that as much as I really, really, _really_ wanted to, trying to tear this bastard down would most likely be fatal.

"You—!" Sanji started to snarl, only for Vivi to hastily grab his sleeve and hold him back.

"What did Robin do to you in the past, Aokiji?" Vivi asked in a mostly civil tone… or as civil as possible when her voice was shaking like a leaf and sweat was pouring down her brow.

"Oh, she never did anything to me personally," the Admiral shrugged casually. "I only know her because she escaped from me a long time ago. But since then…" He slowly cracked his neck back and forth. "Well, suffice to say that the rest of you will learn one day the extent to which this woman is a curse given life."

I'm not quite sure what hurt more at that instant: the sight of Robin shuddering heavily out of the corner of my eyes or the way my fingers were starting to bite through the bandages covering the palm of my hand.

"And the proof of that?" Aokiji continued frigidly, every bit of him as cool as liquid nitrogen. "Why, you've seen it for yourselves: every organization that Nico Robin has been a part of has ended up completely annihilated, always leaving her as the sole survivor."

I bit my lip in an effort to stay silent as the words I _knew_ to be untrue proceeded to sow merry hell amongst the crew. While most everyone else was glancing at one another uncomfortably as they processed those words, I took the opportunity to glance back at Robin. Thankfully, though she still looked to be thoroughly and utterly haunted by her trauma, she didn't look close to snapping either. I _started_ to think that we might be able to pull through this…

Until he said it. Until he fucking went there and _said it._

"That's always how it's been for her, ever since the time when she was _eight."_

I blinked in confusion for a second as I wondered why he was being so specific about that when the truth hit me like a ton of bricks.

Twenty years ago. The Archaeologists. Ohara.

That bastard was pinning fucking _Ohara_ on her.

I didn't even _need_ to look back at Robin to gauge how she was feeling, because I was damn well feeling it too. To hell with the consequences and to hell with this _asshole_ ; if he wanted to go _that far_ in the name of making Robin attack first, if he wanted to use the truth as a weapon that much, that was _his_ problem. And it meant that he didn't have the right to complain when I decided to fight _back._

And I started my counterattack the only possible way I could.

"Pfheheheheh…"

With a dry and grim chuckle that caused everyone to freeze and stare at me.

"What's so funny, Jeremiah Cross?" Aokiji wondered, just as incredulous as everyone else.

"Pfheheheh, heh, hoooh…" I wound down my laughter by exaggeratedly wiping a tear from the corner of my eye. "Ohh, nothing, nothing, I swear. I'm just… _amused_ , is all. Just, you know, the _way_ you said it. It, it's just funny is all!"

"Care to elaborate?" the tall man inquired.

I slowly allowed a savage grin to spread across my lips. "You _sure_ you want that, Admiral? Really, really sure? After all, once I start talking…" I slowly cracked my neck back and forth. "I don't stop until something _breaks._ And honestly? I just don't think you're strong enough not to crack."

Aokiji tensed, but folded his arms in a show of relaxation. "Please, continue." He narrowed his eyes menacingly. "I insist."

" _Cross, please,"_ came a whisper directly by my ear. I looked back at Robin, and smiled grimly.

"Sorry, Robin. I know I said I'd be careful, and I really wanted to avoid this…" I shrugged and shook my head helplessly, at the same time removing Soundbite from my shoulder and handing him to the nearest crewmate, Conis in this case, much to the snail's horror. "But when someone goes that far, hurts one of my friends that bad, talking me down is as hopeless as talking logic to Luffy."

Soundbite whimpered as I turned away, and locked eyes with Aokiji. " _This is gonna_ **suck, isn't IT?"**

"Like a black hole," I confirmed quietly. Then I re-donned my grin and spoke more audibly. "So, what did I find amusing? Well, quite honestly, it was just the way you tell the story. See," I gestured in his direction. "The way _you_ tell things, it _sounds_ like what happened to those groups was all Robin's fault. But, see, that's… just not really _correct_ , is it, Admiral? She," I waved my hand at Robin. "Never actually _did_ anything, did she? Well, alright, she _might_ have helped us with Baroque Works and I don't know the details of whoever else she worked with, but the point is, by and large, the reason that those organizations all collapsed, it wasn't her fault." I slowly pointed my finger up at him, my face pointedly devoid of emotion. "It was all you. You and the rest of the World Government's _dogs."_

Aokiji frowned and I felt the temperature drop a degree or two, but I pressed on. " _You're_ the ones who started the fights against those groups, who destroyed them and made Robin run. _You're_ the ones who put a bounty on her head, and made it so that she couldn't trust _anyone_ in the world. _You're_ the ones who hunted her, day and night, without cease or pause, like bloodhounds after a _scent."_

"Now, now, Mister Cross, I'd be careful with what you say…" Aokiji coldly retorted. "After all, you're talking about things you know nothing about. Nico Robin is a legitimate threat to the World Government, we were justified in our pursuit."

I let out a bark of humorless laughter. "A threat? Why, because she destroyed some battleships? Give me a freaking break!" I swung my arm back at Robin. "Her powers make _limbs_ in her line of sight. She's trained those powers for the last _twenty years_ and isn't able to sink a ship, how could she do it when she was eight!?" I shook my head with a scowl. "No… she's not a threat because of what she can do, she's a threat because of what's in her _head."_ I took a challenging step forwards as I glared bloody murder at the Admiral. "Do you even _know_ why you're hunting her? Twenty years after the fact, after climbing so far up the ranks, do you even have an _inkling_ as to the _real_ reason why the Elder Stars sentenced her to death? As to why they _let—_ no, _ordered_ what happened twenty years ago to take place?"

"It's not my place to ask," Aokiji countered.

I snarled darkly as I _seriously_ fought the pointless desire to crush the bastard's face in. "Of course you don't. After all, it's your whole motto of 'Lazy Justice'. Akainu doesn't need to ask, Kizaru doesn't care either way, but you? You don't think it's worth the _effort_ to care, you just do what they say because it's _easier_. Well, let me make it _nice_ and easy for you!" I jabbed a finger back at Robin. "The cold hard facts of the matter are thus: the World Government put a bounty on her head when she was eight. Years. _Old,_ when her only crime was learning something that the World Government didn't want her to know. They didn't consider _any_ alternatives, didn't even _contemplate_ mercy as an option, they just jumped straight to full on _lethal._ That alone is all that's needed for _anyone_ with a shred of common _decency_ within themselves to realize that the organization that you've dedicated your life to is completely corrupt."

Aokiji's expression was cold, but his eyebrows rose in response to that statement. "And you really think it's fair to judge the World Government based off of a single incident, Mister Cross?"

"Don't play dumb like that, _Kuzan,_ it doesn't suit you," I spat harshly, causing his eyes to widen in surprise. "You really think I'm making that judgment so lightly?" I pointed at Vivi. "They accused a princess who sacrificed everything to save her country from one of _their_ boxed crooks of treason because of a one-sided _blood feud_ , forcing her to become a pirate." I folded my arms. "And that's just the start. I know five islands off the top of my head that the World Government has driven to hell, not even _counting_ the two currently represented on our crew."

"Fine, so the World Government isn't perfect…" he begrudgingly admitted. "But the Marine Corps still exists for the protection of all civilians, to minimize whatever casualties happen, from either side."

I scoffed dismissively. "Some Marines believe that and act on it, sure, but for the Corps as a whole? That sentiment hasn't been even remotely true for a long time, and it's only going to get worse from here on. And you know it, Kuzan, even if it's only deep down in your gut: when Sengoku steps down, you'll be his prime candidate, I'm sure, but who do you think the Five Elder Stars are going to want in his place? Someone cool-headed and restrained like you? _Hell_ no. They'll want someone who will keep their definition of peace by any means necessary, even if it means murdering hundreds of innocent men, women, and children to remove the risk of a perceived criminal slipping through their clutches."

His fists clenched as he heard my words, no doubt realizing exactly what I was referring to. But still, he was _way_ too calm. Time for the _real_ guns.

"You could try challenging him to a duel to the death, and Sakazuki would _still_ become Fleet Admiral. You know what the future holds, Kuzan. So, right now, in the present, you need to ask yourself… 'Is this what I call justice? Can I take pride in something like this?'"

Aokiji stiffened and Robin gasped quietly as I threw Jaguar D. Saul's last words to the admiral back in his face. Then I gave him a slight smile, nothing but bitterness within, and spoke the words that I _knew_ would break him. "I know _exactly_ what happened that day, Kuzan. I know what you did and why you did it. I know how you felt then and admittedly I've only got a good guess as to how you feel now. But there is one thing I know above all else: I might not have known _him_ personally… but I know that if _he_ were here right now, seeing what you are and what you're doing, what you've _done_ … he'd be _disgusted_ with you."

I had only a split second to notice Aokiji's expression turn from cold to downright apoplectic—

Before he was suddenly in front of me, arm drawn back.

My pupils dilated. "Ah, _shi—!"_

 _WHAM!_

That was as far as I got before the air was smashed out of my lungs by Aokiji backhanding me in the chest and sending me tumbling into the grass. The first thing I managed to process through the pain was that I wasn't breathing. The second thing I processed was that he had strapped me with _bands of fucking ice SHIT TOO TIGHT!_

"Sengoku was right, Jeremiah Cross," Aokiji breathed frigidly. "I really _shouldn't_ have let you open your damn mouth."

" _Grrgghh…"_ I wheezed out as I rammed my fist against the restraints, trying desperately to draw some measure of breath but failing on account of how my ribs were being kept from expanding. " _Bas… tard…!"_

"Actually, in retrospect… I think that Akainu might have been right for once, too."

My struggles promptly froze as I caught sight of the _very_ icicle-laden foot hanging over my head.

"Sometimes," Aokiji droned darkly. "You just need to stamp out the _bugs."_

Once again, for all my bravado, I couldn't bring myself to keep my eyes open. I clenched my eyes shut—

"GET AWAY FROM HIM!"

 _ **FWOOM!**_

Only for a very sudden burst of heat to course a few inches above my head, and I snapped my eyes open to see Aokiji just a few steps back, glaring daggers in Conis' direction, having barely dodged the gunner's Burn Bazooka blast. Without pausing, the gunner aimed another blast and fired even as she ran towards me, before kneeling down and pressing Soundbite to my chest.

" _What do we say to_ _ **Death?**_ **NOT TODAY!"**

 _CRACK!_

" _GAH!"_ I gasped like a drowning man coming up for air as the ice shattered and my lungs were freed, putting Soundbite back on my shoulder. "Mother- _fucker that stings!"_

" **Good, means that** _ **YOU'RE STILL CONSCIOUS!"**_

The second I could focus on something other than my breath and scrambling to my feet and away from Aokiji, I noticed that the vast majority of the rest of the crew was preparing to follow Conis' example, their expressions ranging from Nami's firm resignation to Boss' cold determination to Luffy's outright _fury._

But above all of them was at once the best and _worst_ thing that I could have heard at that moment:

"LEAVE MY FRIENDS ALONE, AOKIJI!" Robin yelled, crossing her arms and glaring bloody murder at the admiral.

My eyes widened in panic as I snapped an arm up at her. "Robin _, don't—"_ I tried to protest.

"You have _no_ right to protest anymore, Cross," she outright snarled. "You've had your say, now here's _mine._ _TREINTA FLEUR!"_

Before I could do or say anything further, thirty arms bloomed all over Aokiji's body, poised to snap his body in half. He turned his attention to her, his powers beginning to freeze the duplicate arms. But in spite of the steam starting to waft up from her real arms and the slight wince in her expression, still she stood strong.

"My, my. It looks like I underestimated this crew; they've actually pushed you to the point of attacking me to try to protect them?" Aokiji said, perfectly calm despite the hold posed to break him in every possible sense of the word.

"You killed the first true friend I ever made right in front of me the last time we met," Robin spat venomously. "Now, for the first time in twenty years, I've actually found friends who would still believe in me, even after you did everything you could to turn them against me. And now that I've found them…" She snapped her hands shut. " _I am done running. CLUTCH!"_

And just like that, Aokiji's form shattered into diamond dust, and Robin, though panting, had a distinct look of triumph on her face.

I, however, was feeling distinctly less enthused. "Very nice, very badass," I grit out as I watched the ice particles start to shift. "Oh, and by the way everyone? His fruit, the Ice-Ice Fruit? It's a fucking _Logia,_ which means that that little display, impressive though it was, accomplished absolutely jack and _shit_ beyond most likely pissing him off _._ In summary?"

"Burn him before he pulls himself together, got it," Lassoo growled, padding forward in his hybrid form.

Aokiji chose that moment to reform his upper body, the air and ground crackling from near-instant snap-freeze as he started seemingly pull himself from the permafrost coating the ground.

Lassoo sucked in a deep breath before belting out a thick ball of tar. "CANI-PLASTER!"

The Admiral, already half-reformed by that point, spared the black gelatinous ball a glance before blowing out a misty white cloud that intercepted the tar a mere few feet from him. When the cloud dispersed, all that was left was a jagged black hunk of ice reaching towards him that he didn't even spare a second glance as he stood up.

Lassoo's eyes widened and his tail dropped between his legs as he started inching backwards. "Ah…"

"Actually," I continued in a faux-calm tone of voice. "What I was about to say was this." I promptly turned around and belted down the coastline, grabbing Robin's jacket and dragging her along with me. "FUCKING RUN!"

"We covered this earlier, Cross," Aokiji said dryly. "Feet or miles…" I noticed him crouching down and pressing his palm to the ground as I looked back. "There's nowhere that you can run. Observe. _**Ice Age."**_

 **FWOOSH!**

I had all of two seconds to note the wave of _cold_ that swept past my feet—

"WOAHSHIT!"

 _CRACK!_

Before my feet slid out from beneath me due to my feet losing all traction on the frozen soil, sending me crashing to the ground.

"…Duly noted," I mumbled into the ground.

" _ **I wonder if he'll be able to pull himself back together after THIS!"**_

I managed to flip myself over in time to see Chopper swipe his arm out and send a number of vials spinning through the air, all of them surrounding Aokiji.

" **EAT THIS…"** Chopper snarled viciously, a number of scalpels splayed in his hoof. " **CHERRY BLOSSOM BLAST** _ **FLURRY!"**_ With that, the currently-psycho-doctor snapped his hoof out and flung his blades at the vials, striking each one dead on, breaching the glass—

 _ **KA-BOOM!**_

And causing the contents within to react _violently_ with the air.

I winced and shielded myself from the wave of light and heated air that assaulted me.

It only got worse when Conis fired her Burn Bazooka with all the firepower the Dial could muster, followed by Nami practically bringing the wrath of Zeus down on his head. Even Usopp contributed what he could, his hands blurring with how fast he was firing.

Everybody watched the resulting smog, and when it cleared… Aokiji stood there, completely unscathed and with his normal, bored expression back in place.

"Well, I'll give you this much," he drawled as he flicked a clod of dirt from his jacket. "If I weren't a Logia, that probably would have stung a bit."

"WHAT THE _HELL_ DOES IT TAKE TO KEEP THIS GUY DOWN?!" Usopp screamed.

"Does anyone have any sea prism stone, New World-grade pirates, or convincing enough acting skills to make him think you're Sengoku?" I asked sarcastically. "Or we could just try building a sauna."

"This is _not_ the time, Cross!" Robin grit out.

"What part of the words 'coping mechanism' are you people failing to grasp!?" I shot back at her.

"Sounds like the core concept to me."

Robin and I froze before slowly turning our gazes up to stare at Aokiji in terror as he suddenly towered over us.

"I am _really_ starting to hate that technique…" I whimpered.

"GET AWAY FROM THEM!"/"GET AWAY FROM ROBIN-CHWAN!/""GET AWAY FROM MY CREW!"

Zoro, Sanji, Boss, and a lobster-red Luffy lunged at Aokiji from behind. He turned his head halfway as he regarded them for an instant before _moving,_ fending off Boss with a kick and grabbing one of Zoro's arms and simply tossing him away. Luffy and Sanji, he didn't even touch; his powers crippled them with frost as soon as they touched his body. By the time he was done, the Monster Trio plus one were left rolling on the ground, agonizing over their hyper-frostbitten limbs as he turned back to us, and moved for Robin. Gritting my teeth and steeling my nerves, I interposed myself between them, arms flung out to shield her.

Aokiji raised an eyebrow at me before shrugging indifferently. He then clamped one hand down on my shoulder opposite where Soundbite was and reached past me with the other. And then…

" **Ice Time."**

CRACK!

" _AAAARGH!"_

It was… almost indescribable.

Intellectually, I knew at the time that the ice— _dry ice, at that—_ was stupidly far below zero in temperature and thus extremely cold, but physically? Physically, that ice _burned._ It burned worse than almost any other burn I'd felt before, almost as bad as the hell _Eneru_ had put me through, and it was _spreading,_ going down my arm, down my side, _across my chest—_

"GRGH, _MOTHERFUCKER!"_ I snarled out in agony. " _RIGHT ON THE FUCKING SCARS, YOU RAGING_ BASTARD!"

It took every bit of willpower Zoro had forced into me to not just slip into oblivion, and I came damn close to giving up the ghost, too, but there was one sound that made me hang in there.

The sound of Robin whimpering in the exact same agony behind me.

It took a second for me to get the mental wherewithal to do much of anything, but once I did, I reached up with my unfrozen hand and grabbed the arm Aokiji was using to freeze my hand. I winced as the ice burned at my already mutilated fingers, but I pointedly refused to let go, prompting him to glance down at me.

I snarled in the admiral's face. "Let. Her. _Go."_

Aokiji stared at me, his expression unreadable, for several seconds with no notable change in the ice's progression. Then, all at once, the freezing stopped advancing, and Aokiji pulled back.

I didn't even have time to contemplate the fact that I _wasn't_ being frozen anymore when my attention was diverted by a grunt of pain behind me, prompting me to spin around and grab Robin just before she toppled over.

It was… I'll be honest, it wasn't good. Whereas I'd managed to get away with only one of arms and the upper part of one of my legs frozen, the entire right half of Robin's body was completely encased in ice, her remaining half visibly struggling to support the dead weight. How she still seemed coherent, let alone conscious, was beyond me.

"Nico Robin," Aokiji stated quietly. "As Cross somehow knows, Jaguar D. Saul was my friend, too. It was because of his final wishes that I allowed you to escape from Ohara that day. I still feel responsible for your life, but after twenty years of wandering, I felt that it was time for you to die. But it seems that you've found your place after all."

Those words stunned Robin more than any of the weaponized truths he threw at her earlier, and the rest of the crew seemed stunned as well, me especially. Was… Was he really serious? Was he _actually_ reaffirming Robin staying with us!?

He sighed, and turned away, waving his hand carelessly as he started to walk towards the ocean. "Well, in the end, I suppose we owe you all _something_ from the Alabasta incident, so I'll let you go today."

I was so relieved I thought I might pass out. Vivi, however, still spun her Lion Cutters—no, wait, Lion Cut- _ter,_ singular. Her other hand was—clutching her necklace again. "Just today?" she snarled.

Aokiji paused and glanced back at Vivi before rolling his eyes with a sigh. "Alright, let me rephrase that: I won't come after your crew again unless I'm outright ordered to. Better?"

Vivi continued to glare at him for a few seconds, and then allowed her Cutter to stop spinning.

"Good." And with that, he started walking again, and we started to allow ourselves to relax…

"You've found people who will protect you, Nico Robin. They're willing to take on the world for you, of that I have no doubt."

But, of course, it couldn't be that simple.

"But can they win? I _seriously_ doubt _that_."

I couldn't have felt more pain in that moment if he tore all of my bandages off, for moments before Robin's free eye slid shut as she gave up the fight to stay awake I saw the spark that had been growing there over the past few weeks flicker and _die_.

Damn it… Damn it… DAMN IT! One parting shot from him, and every bit of faith Robin had in us was gone.

"Damn you…" I hissed viciously. "Damn every last one of you _monsters_ straight to hell."

Aokiji paused again before chuckling deeply. "A monster, huh. That's rich, coming from a demon like you."

I grit my teeth as I glared at Aokiji's back. "Well at least. I'm. _Honest."_

 _That_ shut him up.

And so, without a single word further, Admiral 'Aokiji' Kuzan of Marine HQ walked out onto the winter wasteland he'd constructed without a care in the world, slowly striding off into the distance…

Leaving us all to contemplate and process our complete and utter defeat, in every sense of the word.

 **-o-**

"Geeze, you work fast, Chopper," I complimented, flexing the new bandages on my arm that were distinctly devoid of any manner of frost. "Thanks for the quick unfreeze, I didn't expect it to be this fast."

"It's nothing, Cross," the reindeer replied. I snapped my head over to him, and he sighed. "No, Cross, it still doesn't make me happy, but right now, I don't feel like I've done that much good, considering how my best shot did absolutely nothing against Aokiji."

"…You're so let down that you're not even going to flip out like you usually do? I mean, in the story, you were more focused on defrosting—"

"In the story, I wasn't as good at fighting as I am now," Chopper cut in absentmindedly as he ruffled through his bag. "In this reality, your advice helped me get to the point where I'm stronger and more confident. Back on Skypiea, it was different; I knew that Luffy would have to beat Eneru, and he did. But this time…" He rammed his hoof into his bag, causing it to let out a _very_ terror-inducing clink of glass. "None of us could do anything. _I_ couldn't do anything. I… couldn't even help…"

I grimaced in acknowledgement, but shook my head. "Try not to let it bother you too much, Chopper."

"And why the hell not, Cross?" Chopper snarled, snapping an equal parts vicious and desperate look at me.

I pointed my finger at the wall of the cabin with a flat look. "Because currently, our four strongest frontline fighters are _warming_ their frostbitten asses in the ocean after getting said asses absolutely _handed_ to them. In victory, it's not very fair to use them as milestones, but in defeat they're perfect justifications."

" **So what you're saying…** " Soundbite started slowly. " _Is that there's no SHAME IN LOSING_ **IF THEY LOST TOO?"**

"Something like that," I waved my hand in vague agreement. "Aokiji is the epitome of the big leagues in this world. Today, we had no chance of winning, but he let us live because he has decency. I have no doubt that someday our crew will have to fight someone of his caliber and win to escape death or worse, but as long as we keep training, we won't be hit with more than we can take. We'll be pushed to our limits just about every time, yes… but we'll _survive."_

Chopper groaned and kneaded his temples miserably. "Damn it, Cross, how can you be so sure of that with everything that's gone wrong?"

I smiled fondly and patted the top of his hat. "I'm not saying this off of my knowledge, Chopper. I'm saying it off of something I believed before I came here, and now _know_ with perfect certainty: our captain, Monkey D. Luffy, _will_ become the Pirate King, and in that same breath, we _will_ be the crew that puts him on top. It's just _that_ simple."

That brought the reindeer up short. He stared at me for a few more seconds before finally smiling and nodding firmly. "Yeah, you're right. He won't die before he reaches his dream, and neither will the rest of us." He tilted his smile upwards as he patted a hoof on the deck. "None of us will…"

 _That_ sobered me up a little, but I did my best not to show it. Fortunately, I got a good excuse not to dwell on Merry and how unsure I was that I could keep my promise to her in the form of Conis coming into the impromptu medical room that we had set up in the kitchen.

"Everyone else sent asked me to check on how Robin's doing. Is she going to be alright?" she asked in concern.

At _that,_ I couldn't suppress my grimace. "Physically?" I jabbed my thumb at the tub of lukewarm saltwater she was soaking in. Already the ice had subsided by a substantial amount, releasing her face and torso and leaving only the lower parts of her extremities fragile. "She'll be fine. It was touch and go for a bit on account of how Aokiji literally turns people into ice, but she's thawing well enough, so she's out of any critical danger."

I groaned and kneaded the bridge of my nose. "No, the _real_ damage was all in Aokiji's parting shot, and fixing that's… _not_ gonna be so easy." I shook my head miserably; she had called us her friends. She had been _ready_ to accept us. She had been _one. Freaking. MINUTE!_ away from exchanging secrets, from her _accepting_ us wholeheartedly. And now… now, we'd be lucky if she would still be willing to call any of us by our _names._

I gave Conis a solemn look. "As soon as Boss and the Monster Trio are healed, bring everyone in here, and Chopper, be ready to wake her up."

The two nodded and got to work, leaving me to watch over Robin in solemn silence.

If I was honest with myself, my relationship with Robin was… different from the rest of the crew, to say the least. Back before I came to the Blue Seas, I was always the older brother in my family. Whether it be my natural brother or my stepsiblings, I'd always been the eldest, the one… _relatively_ in charge, given how they never respected me worth shit, but I digress. Anyway, the point is that growing up, I didn't really have someone close to my level that I could relate to, someone with equal interests. And don't get me wrong, I loved the rest of the Straw Hats to death and back and most of the time I could match their energy without worry, but with Robin, I could find… peace and quiet. With Robin, I could enjoy a quiet moment of debate over some story or other, or a nice and sharp back-and-forth snarkfest.

To put it simply, while the rest of the crew filled the niches of siblings and cousins of similar or slightly lesser ages, over the course of her time on the crew, Robin had become like the big sister I'd never had. And the idea that all of that could have just been undone by some paltry _words…_

I groaned and kneaded my temples miserably. I _had_ to get this right on the first try, I _had_ to, because if I didn't, I wasn't sure that I'd get another chance before everything went straight to hell.

It was the longest half hour of my life until the others were ready, by which time Robin had completely defrosted. Everyone was gathered in the kitchen, and Chopper prepared the smelling salts. Or at least, the _horrific_ concoction he called smelling salts, anyways.

"Alright, fair warning…" Chopper bit his tongue as he waved the vial under Robin's nose. "After a trauma like this, the reactions of patients waking up have a tendency of being somewhat—"

Robin's eyes snapped open and _CRAP HARD GRIP ON MY THROAT COULDN'T BREATHE!_

"— _VISCERAL!"_ Chopper gagged out around the arm that was coiled around his neck.

" _No shit!"_ I wheezed out as I yanked at the fingers that were throttling me.

" _ **Let him go**_ OR GET READY TO _lose a thumb AGAIN!"_ Soundbite roared.

Robin blinked numbly for a moment as she came back from her adrenaline high before gasping in shock and snapping her arms down, allowing the arms that had been incapacitating the crew to dissolve. "I-I'm so sorry, I just—! I-It was reflexive, I didn't mean—!"

"No harm done, Robin," I rasped, wincing as I rubbed a particularly sore part of my throat. "For the most part, at least… anyway, you don't have anything to worry about, you're back with your friends now."

I was hopeful, so _so_ hopeful, that the trauma of being frozen, or at _least_ the sheer hurt of the ordeal, would have been enough to suppress Aokiji's last words to her. But going by the way that she smiled at me in a _clearly_ hollow way, it was painfully obvious that that wasn't the case.

"Yes… Yes, you're right…" Robin slowly allowed herself to relax back into the tub before turning her grin on Chopper, causing him to shiver uncomfortably. "Thank you for the assistance, Mister Doctor, I apprecia—"

"Come on, Robin!" I cut in, causing her to jump and successfully putting a crack in the mask she was trying to bolt back into place. "Are you _really_ going to let the words of that coldhearted _bastard_ undo everything you've been looking for over the last twenty years? You called us your friends—hell, we _are_ your friends, full-stop!"

She made a weak attempt to smile. "Mister Jeremiah—"

"DON'T YOU 'MISTER JEREMIAH' ME!" I snapped, slamming my fist into the wall. I noticed Sanji holding himself back with an effort in the background as I moved over to her. "Damn it, Robin, I thought you were past this! It doesn't matter what the _hell_ that bastard said or what scare tactics he tried to use, we _still_ want to be your friends, and I thought that after all this time, you were willing to trust us. The words of someone like him shouldn't make a difference!"

Her expression faltered, but she still tried to hide behind a painfully neutral expression instead. I grit my teeth; if I had to take drastic measures to make her be honest at this point, so be fucking it.

"Robin, I broke that mask before through kindness, but _damn it,_ I can and will go the other way and get you spitting nails if I have to; if I can do it to Aokiji, I can do it to you," I warned her before groaning in exhaustion as I cooled down a bit and gave her a pleading look. "Listen, Robin… do you _really_ want to go back to the point where instead of seeing you, all we saw was Crocodile's right-hand woman who helped to try to overthrow Vivi's country? Do you _really_ want to go back to being Miss All Sunday?"

Vivi remained perfectly silent, her body slightly angled away from Robin, but the glances she was occasionally shooting her spoke volumes.

"Come on, Robin!" Nami pleaded desperately. "You're one of the only people on the crew with a lick of sense. Without you, how the heck would we be able to keep from going crazy every second of the day?!"

"Not to mention that you can keep up with me when I'm talking about science, even when I go off the deep end!" Chopper tacked in, tears shimmering in his eyes. "I'm alright with the fact that usually everyone else just smiles and nods, but you actually read my notes and understood them! You even _helped_ me develop half of the combat formulas I'm using! You're almost as much of a mentor to me as Doctorine!"

"You're a stone-cold bitch with cheap-as-all-hell powers and enough practice keeping your emotions to yourself that I probably wouldn't trust you if Cross and Luffy didn't," Zoro cut in. Before anyone could tear his head off, however, he sighed and bowed his head. "And… you're one of the strongest women I've ever met."

Luffy was silent for a few moments, the brim of his hat tilted down over his eyes before he finally spoke up. "You're a member of this crew, Robin, no matter what." He stated it as though it was an immutable fact… and honestly, it might as well have been.

I capped it all off with clamping my hand down on my shoulder and leaned forward, looking her dead in the eyes. "You belong here, Robin. You know it, _we_ know it. So, after everything you've gone through with us, all the good times _and_ the bad that we've shared, do you _really_ want us to treat you like everybody else you've met for the last twenty years, and vice-versa?"

She _tried_ to stay emotionless for a bit, she really did, but ultimately, my words were the breaking point; she bowed her head, not willing to look at any of us, and I swear I saw something sparkling from her face drip into the tub below her. "… No," she breathed at last, hugging herself miserably. "But what else would you have me do? This crew… this is the first place that I've actually felt secure since… since…" She bit down on her lip before she could say anything further.

"Seriously, Robin? Even after all this, after _all_ we've gone through, you can't bring yourself to tell them?" I asked, unable to keep the hurt out of my voice.

Slowly, she looked up, tears actually shimmering in her eyes. "No, I can't… Because I can't deny what Aokiji said. We… _you're_ all strong, incredibly so… but not strong enough to fight the world." She looked away miserably. "Nobody is…"

"At the risk of Sanji kicking me, that's a steaming load of bull," Mikey announced hotly.

The cook took a _deep_ draw from his cigarette before snorting it out. "I never thought I'd agree with anyone insulting a woman in any form, but I agree with the dugong," he stated. "You're the only one here who believes that, Robin dear."

"…How can you say that, Sanji?" she shook her head miserably. "What just happened with Aokiji—"

"Is only going to help us," Zoro cut in sharply. "We lost, and none of us are happy about that, but we _survived_. We've seen what we're up against, now we just need to get to the point that when we meet him again, we won't lose."

"And unless shit somehow goes sideways in a manner most spectacular sometime soon, we won't have to face anyone we can't beat with no way out except their mercy again, Robin," I said carefully, looking at Luffy the whole time… though his head was still bowed, preventing anyone from reading his expressions.

"You can't—" Robin began.

"Do you really think that I'm lying?" I interrupted.

"I—no, but you don't know—" she stammered.

"Do you really think that our captain, Monkey _D._ Luffy, will ever let any of us down?" I pressed, quietly but intensely.

There was a minor spark of recognition in Robin's eyes and she perked up ever so slightly, looking at me, and then at Luffy. He looked up slightly, revealing one of his eyes, and Ace couldn't have had more of a fire burning in his than Luffy's had at that moment. Robin looked at him for what felt like an eternity before slowly looking away, shame on her face.

"…I want to say that I believe…" she whispered, clutching tightly at her arms. "But after all these years—"

" _Cross."_

Robin cut herself off, and we both looked back at Luffy. He looked like he had a bad taste in his mouth, but his eyes still burned. "I'm… changing my orders," he grit out uncomfortably. "From now on, you have my permission to say anything you know—" He shuddered heavily at the words before forging onwards. "But only if it can help us get stronger, that's it!"

I gaped, and most of the rest of the crew seemed equally stunned, but Luffy just looked at Robin, a wry grin slowly growing on his face. "After all, if we're going to take on the whole world, then we're going to need to be a lot stronger, right?"

I glanced at Robin for a second before looking back at Luffy. "Yeah, that'd be for the best. I mean, so long as we fight like hell we'll get through what's coming up next…" I trailed off for a second before nodding firmly. "But yeah, I'd be a _lot_ more comfortable if we took what little time we have here on Long Ring Long to hone our skills."

" **Training whenever you** _can DOES HURT!"_ Soundbite piped up. " _ **HURTS THEM, ANYWAYS!"**_

"Well, I'm all for it. If I know what to shoot for, I should be able to reach it faster," Zoro grinned widely.

"My students and I train on a regular basis anyways, so we'll just have to train twice as hard, right boys?" Boss said confidently, pounding his 'fist' into his 'palm'.

"BOSS, YES, BOSS!" the dugongs barked as they snapped to attention.

"I don't plan on letting another lady get injured in my sight. I'll be glad to train," Sanji said firmly.

"Count me in, too," Chopper nodded in agreement.

"I could definitely use a chance to get used to wielding my arsenal now that I have the chance," Conis mused to herself.

Everyone else responded in the same vein, some speaking, others only nodding, but absolutely none opposed to the idea. I turned back to Robin and promptly felt a pang of sympathy at the sheer degree of shock she displayed. For anyone to be so taken aback at the idea that _anyone_ would be willing to risk their lives for them… it was moments like this that I was _really_ grateful for the transceiver hanging at my side.

Still, my sorrow and rage were promptly washed away by what Robin did next: she _smiled._ An honest, true smile. It was weak and frail, but that wasn't important to me. No, what was truly important was that the spark of life that I'd seen extinguished earlier was back in her eyes; not as strong as before, unfortunately, but there nonetheless.

Bolstered by her reaction, I nodded and clapped my hands. "Right! Everyone who _isn't_ still recovering from hyper-hypothermia, meet me on the deck in ten minutes. I'm going to need that long to make sure I don't forget anything. Oh, and!" I hastily stuck my finger up, causing everyone to pause before shooting apologetic looks at Robin, Conis and the dugongs. "For the record, I do apologize for my cryptic nigh-savant-like bullshittery. But! I promise that once everything is said and done on the next island we arrive on, I will let you all in on the secrets I hold. Agreed?"

Conis and Su exchanged glances for a moment before the angel nodded firmly. "You saved my home with whatever knowledge you have, Cross. I'm perfectly willing to wait as long as I need to learn it."

"Speak for yourself!" Su sniffed. "You'd better talk soon and fast, bub, or else I'll snatch slimeball and _make_ him tell me!"

"JUST TRY IT, _**puff-**_ **BALL!"** Soundbite shot back.

Boss puffed out a cloud of smoke as he held up his flippers in a placating gesture. "Hey, doesn't matter to me either way. In the end, I am and always have been a soldier, and you are my superior." He jabbed his cigar at me. "Until you do something suicidally stupid, my boys and I will listen to you no matter what."

The TDWS nodded in agreement, though Mikey was noticeably reluctant.

"Sooo… we _don't_ get a vote in asking for spoilers early, then?" _SMACK!_ "OW! I was just asking, geeze!"

"Well, if we've got ten minutes, I'll go ahead and double-check the upgrades I've finished up," Usopp muttered, seeming somewhat subdued. I frowned as he left, suddenly remembering that while Merry had been one catalyst that drove him to leave the crew, she hadn't been the only one; there had been _two_ , and his rock-bottom self-esteem from meeting Aokiji was the other. I _needed_ to nip that in the bud once I got the chance, or else we might be looking at a shitton of trouble anyways.

Vivi and Carue left the room next, and everyone else followed soon after, Chopper lingering the longest to make sure the water was still well-suited for Robin. Soon, only Luffy and I were left.

"Robin…" I glanced at Luffy for a moment before giving her a compassionate look. "I'm ready to back you up on… _that_ whenever you are."

She clenched her eyes shut with a shudder and held the position for a moment before giving me a light smile. "… I'm still not certain… but I…" She nodded hesitantly, the action slowly picking up strength. "For the first time in I don't know how—" Robin choked off as she shook her head with a dry chuckle. "Lying again and you no doubt know it… for the first time in _twenty years_ I have hope again…" She graced me with a tearful smile. "And it's all thanks to you. You have my thanks, Mis—" Robin flinched and smiled apologetically. " _Cross._ "

I smiled back and clenched her shoulder reassuringly. "We'll get through this, Robin, don't worry. Now, here." I picked up a vial Chopper had left behind and handed it to her. "Take your medicine and get some rest. We'll wake you up around dinner time, alright?"

Robin chuckled as she took the vial and downed it. "Knowing Sanji, you didn't even…" she trailed off into a yawn. "Even need… to…" She blinked blearily at the vial. "Huh… it would… appear that Chopper… improved his formula… recently…" I caught the vial as she nodded off and sank a few inches into the water.

I watched her sleep soundly for a moment before hanging my head with a groan. "Damn it, Robin…" I ground out miserably.

"Eh? What's wrong?" Luffy asked in surprise. "Robin's happy again, isn't that a good thing?"

I shook my head miserably. "That's what she _said,_ Luffy, and I _want_ to believe her, I want to so _bad_ it hurts…" I shrugged in defeat. "But the fact of the matter is that Robin is a _world_ -class actor, and I honestly can't tell whether or not she was faking those emotions, because I know _damn well_ that she is fully capable of it."

"You had better not be saying she doesn't think we're her friends, Cross," Luffy growled.

"No, Luffy, not at all," I shook my head solemnly. "In fact, that's the only thing I'm completely certain of at the moment."

"Then we should trust her! It's what friends do!" Luffy nodded as though that were that.

I, on the other hand, bowed my head. "Captain… that's the exact reason why we _can't_ trust her."

"Eh!?"

I gestured between him and myself. "We're her friends, Luffy, her friends who she cares about more than life itself." I pointed at him sadly. "You should know better than _anyone_ that people, even people as smart as her, tend to do stupid, stupid, _stupid_ things, so long as it ends with saving their friends… or their family, as the case may be."

Luffy's expression darkened like a thundercloud, but in the end, he just didn't have an answer to that.

 **-o-**

Several minutes of me racking my brains for everything that I could instruct the crew on at this point—which involved no small amount of grumbling (read: violent cursing) at Ace for the 'instructions' on Haki he gave—found me stepping out onto the deck. Everyone's attention turned to me immediately.

"Alright, guys, let's get started." I clapped my hands together and rubbed them eagerly. "To start things off, let me give you all a fair warning: while I've seen and heard of a lot of techniques, which I will be sharing with you, the thing is that I don't know _how_ to do most of them. But if you guys could figure it out on your own, then I know that you can figure it out via description, even if it'll no doubt take longer without the on-hand experience."

I looked at Usopp first, noticing him standing beside… something, covered with a tablecloth. "Usopp, full status report on upgrades."

The sniper nodded. "I've almost finished Nami's Perfect Clima-Tact, but I'm still having trouble with making the Eisen Dial work down here. You're sure that there's a way to make it happen?"

"Positive. But if you're still having trouble making it flow… Nami, you're the expert on clouds, think you can see if you can figure out what he has to do?"

Nami nodded, and Usopp continued. "Well, alright, then… In other news, I've almost finished upgrading my slingshot and arsenal. Boss—" He looked at the Dugongs. "I've finished the Thermal Dart, but I haven't worked out a way for you to have a safe place to grab it yet. So, I'm either going to need an indeterminate amount of design time to fix that, or I'm going to need to make heat-retardant gauntlets for you."

Boss snorted and waved his flipper dismissively. " _Please._ A little bit of heat doesn't scare me, I can take it on the chin like a _man."_

"Uh… Boss?" Conis cut in hesitantly with a raised finger. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but Heat Dials are capable of reaching temperatures of up to and over 700 degrees Celsius. You could _seriously_ injure your flippers if you used that weapon unprotected!"

Boss cocked an eyebrow at Conis before plucking his cigar from his mouth and grinding it down in his free palm without even a _hint_ of either hesitation or a wince. "I have spent over three-quarters of my life smashing my flippers into the bedrock of the Sandora River and the skulls of every living creature in it. It is a _miracle_ if I ever feel _anything_ with them." He grinned confidently. "Trust me, if anyone can take the heat, it's me."

"…Right. Just make sure that whenever you're not using it, you keep it deactivated, otherwise you're going to be getting a _lot_ more scar-tissue," Usopp finally concluded before nodding at me. "And Cross?" He took hold of the tablecloth covering the table he was near. " _Your_ upgrades are complete." With a triumphant grin, he yanked back the cloth.

I grinned as I took in the sight. He had completely revamped my armor. The color was the same, but ridges covered the backs of them from elbow to finger and knee to toe, and the elbows and knees were thicker than the rest of it, guarding the joints perfectly. The armor as a whole was thicker, too, each piece easily double the size of my limb proper; I could see sleeves of what looked like fabric on the insides of the armor, with the metal part expanded outwards. And in the palms of the gauntlets were two distinctly round shapes, the palms displaying seven-pieced honeycomb-grilles.

"Specially designed from the Usopp Workshop, your new armor comes complete with heat and cold insulation, along with an extra layer of protection and durability composed of sea king leather and the special fibers I use in my ropes. The left one is the Flash Gauntlet, which I've hooked up with that strobe-mechanism you said you liked, and the right one is the Impact Gauntlet, which channels all impacts to the Dial no matter where you catch them, even if they're not on the palm itself. And don't worry, I've worked out all of the bugs this time with Luffy and the dugongs acting as test dummies; just make sure to discharge it outside of the feedback mechanism after every twenty or so blasts, otherwise there's a good chance the buildup of energy will blow your bones clean out your elbow. Also!" He pointed on Conis. "I'm working on a way to build a similar device for the Reject Dial. For now, though, the only one who can use it without breaking their arm—and most likely their body as a whole—is Luffy."

"And he hits about as hard as that thing anyway, so really it's a moot point," I chuckled before pointing at Zoro. "Alright, moving on. You, mister First Mate… I have absolutely no idea _how_ you pulled it off, but you worked out some kind of technique you called Nine Swords Style: Asura. Basically—"

"No, no, I got it," Zoro cut me off with a casual wave of his hand. "I know what you're talking about. I've been meditating on it in my spare time, but now that I know that it's actually _possible…"_ He trailed off into a feral grin that caused my blood to freeze over.

Soundbite shuddered in terror. " _Unclean…_ _ **Unclean…"**_

I swallowed heavily in agreement before forging on. "A-A-Anyway, while you're working on that, another technique to think on is one of a set known as the Six Powers." I turned slightly so that I was addressing the whole crew. "The Six Powers is a _highly_ advanced martial-arts style that is used almost exclusively by the Marines' top brass, the purpose of which is to essentially turn the human body into a weapon. Thankfully, however, I think that the techniques are simple enough that you can figure them out yourselves.

"The one I'm thinking of at the moment is known as Iron Body. The basics of it, as I understand them, is to clench your body's muscles hard, and I mean _really_ hard, so that your very flesh—" I rapped my knuckles on my abdomen. "Becomes as solid as iron itself, so that not even blades or bullets can hurt you. Well…" I nodded my head to the side. "Unless it's a bullshit-strong attack, but… well, you get my point." I looked back at Zoro. "I figured that you have the most experience out of all of us at blocking near-lethal attacks with your torso, so I figure that you'd have the most luck puzzling it out."

"Makes sense," Zoro nodded in agreement.

"Hey, I've taken twice as many blows as the Marimo!" Sanji protested.

I gave the cook a flat look. "Sanji, you've taken a lot of bad hits, I'll admit, but you sure as hell didn't take Mihawk's ship-cutting slash _or_ Mr. 1's shredding drill head on."

Sanji faltered at that for a moment before grumbling and looking away as he chewed on his cigarette.

"And besides, you'll be focusing on the second, third _and_ fourth of the Six Powers, and I'm honestly going to be surprised if you don't have at least one of them by the time the day is out. And Zoro will never let you hear the end of it besides that, since he's already mastered one of them as far as his fighting style is concerned."

Both Zoro and Sanji looked at me, the former with wicked eagerness and the latter looking about ready to burst into flames of pure determination. I smiled innocently, somehow managing to move all of my cold sweat to the back of my head. I would not show weakness, I would _not_ show weakness!

"Talk fast," Sanji growled viciously.

I most certainly did _not_ swallow heavily. "Well, see, Zoro's able to produce flying slashes with his Phoenix attacks, and the technique known as the Tempest Kick lets you produce them with your legs. All you have to do is kick with enough force and _somehow_ concentrate all the resultant wind from the attack into an amalgamation of pure wind strong and sharp enough to match any blade."

Sanji's determination faded into a contemplative frown. "Hrm… you mean like what the old geezer did with his peg leg back when that huge shield-wearing psycho tried to ignite the Baratie?"

I blinked. "…Huh, I forgot about that. Figures that old coot would have figured that technique out, God only knows how far into the Line he got before turning back. But… yeah, pretty much, just concentrate all of that wind into a singular blade of air and you should acquire a nice ranged attack in your arsenal."

Sanji smirked at Zoro, but grudgingly looked back at me when I snapped my fingers for attention. "Alright, as much as I'd love to start on that one right away, you said there were two more?"

"Yeah. The third technique, you've actually done already, back when Ohm scarred Conis. With the Moonwalk technique, you kick so hard that you can jump on the air itself. Besides using Devil Fruit powers, it's the closest thing you can ever get to actual flight. I don't expect you to get the hang of that one in a hurry, but if you're able to do it while you're berserk…" I shrugged. "If you have to, try channeling that anger so you can figure out how to do it.

"Now, the fourth one," I said, looking around at the whole crew again. "Seems to be the easiest of all the Six Powers with how common it is. A certain ex-pirate in the East Blue by the name of Captain Kuro even developed a half-bastardized, half-improved version of it: the Shave technique. This is the only one that I know the instructions for: by kicking the ground ten times in a second, you can generate enough force to move fast enough that you seem to practically _teleport_ , disappearing. How the hell you manage it, I don't know, but like I said, it seems to be the easiest of them. Heck," I chuckled, looking back at the sniper and navigator. "With how good you are at running, I wouldn't be surprised if you could manage it, Usopp. Or you, Nami."

The two of them looked contemplative, and I turned my attention back to Luffy. "The fifth technique is called Finger Pistol. Essentially, with enough strength and by applying Iron Body to one's finger, just doing _this—"_ I stuck my arm out, index finger pointing outwards. "Oughta be enough to put a hole in a person as well as any gunshot. A bit more visceral than what you're used to, I know, but I just thought it might be a good idea for your pipe. Good way of piercing through particularly strong defenses and all."

Luffy hummed thoughtfully as he tilted his head to the side.

"Now, the last one is another one that you've pulled off, Luffy, during your fight against Eneru. Though…" I waved my hand side-to-side. "The official technique is admittedly more effective than that airhead thing you pulled off. Letting your body go limp and letting your reflexes do all the work dodging is the basis of the Paper Art technique, but the real deal lets you keep your head in the game, so that you can attack or move appropriately."

"Oooh, now _that_ sounds like fun!" Luffy grinned eagerly.

"Alright, now, let's see…" I slowly started ticking down on my fingers as I muttered to myself. "Zoro needs Haki, Nami and Usopp are fine on their own, Sanji…" I glanced at the cook as he swung out a few kicks. "Hey, Sanji, does the phrase 'if God made food, then the Devil made spice' mean anything to you?"

Sanji froze mid-swing, shooting a shocked look at me. "That move actually _works!?_ I came up with it back on the Baratie while I was drunk off my ass and I've never used it because I didn't think it'd actually _work!"_

I shrugged helplessly. "Yeah, well, somehow it actually _does,_ and to great effect, I might add _._ Something about your heart burning even hotter than the kick or something?"

Sanji's expression rapidly shifted from surprise to realization and then to thoughtful contemplation.

I shrugged and left him to it in favor of moving on. "Alright then, next up, Chopper!" I pointed at the doctor in question. "Seeing as we're currently in the middle of a verdant wasteland, is there any chance that you'd be willing to try training in order to gain control of 'that'?"

The reindeer stared at me in confusion for a moment before paling visibly, even beneath his fur, fidgeting uncomfortably. "I, ah, _don't_ think that that might be such a good idea, Cross…"

"What? Why not?" I blinked in confusion. "I mean, I suppose the whole hyper-exhaustion thing is a danger, but we've got enough muscle here to easily match you, and all we have to do to break the form is knock you in the ocean."

"Weeeell…" Chopper clicked his hooves together sheepishly… the same way he'd done when he was explaining how he'd developed his little Hyde-issue.

"This is gonna suck, isn't it?" I stated blandly.

"Well, see, the thing is, Cross," he said, rubbing the back of his skull. "'That' was a berserker when I stumbled onto it because it was primarily controlled by my unconscious mind. Back then, my unconscious was totally empty, so it was essentially my baser animal instincts given form, if admittedly more savage than I'd expect. But now…" He tapped his hoof against his temple. "That part of my brain isn't quite so unconscious anymore, remember?"

I stood stock still as the implications sunk in. And said implications were that if things proceeded anywhere even relatively close to canon, there was a non-zero chance of the Tower of Justice becoming a _butcher's shop._ Or some other unimaginable abomination of SCIENCE!

… On the other hand, maybe Spandam deserved that—NO, no, it wasn't worth it. It very nearly was, so very, _very_ nearly was, but! I had _collateral_ to think of, so much collateral.

"Let's put a pin in that for now, alright?" I squeaked uncomfortably.

Chopper nodded with just as much trepidation. "Probably for the best, yes."

"Moving right along!" I hastily swung around to my next target, and then paused as an idea came to me, prompting me to swing back to Chopper. "Actually, there's still something that you can do. You know about Luffy's Gears, right?"

"Uh…" Chopper blinked in surprise. "You mean that technique that he used to turn huge and punch out the seawall, right? And the one he used to save Conis from Eneru? What about them?"

"The latter is Gear 1.5 and the prior is 2.5, prototype versions of Gears Second and Third," I explained. "Both extremely powerful tools, to be sure, but, well…" I scratched the back of my neck sheepishly. "Well, you remember how the recoil from 2.5 snapped Luffy into a midget?"

Chopper grimaced as he caught on. "I'm guessing that 1.5 has some kind of side-effect as well?" He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, I don't know if I can help with anything like the shrinkage, but—"

"Yeeeaaah, see…" My sheepishness redoubled. "That's the thing. Gear Second's side effects are a lot more, shall we say… _visceral_ than Gear Third. How to best put this… Ah, Luffy!" I pointed at our captain. "How do you start 1.5 and how do you usually feel after using it?"

Luffy grinned eagerly as he held his leg up and pointed to it. "Oh, it's easy! I just pump my legs to get my blood flowing faster, and then that makes me go faster too!" He then looked upwards thoughtfully, totally missing the horrified look that had started spreading over Chopper's face. "The bad news is that so far I've only been able to keep it going for a few seconds and after it runs out, I usually feel kinda tired and my muscles ache all over." And then his eager grin was right back in place. "But I've been getting better at using it in my spare time! Some more practice and I'll be able to keep it running for as long as I want! Here." He placed his fist on the deck. "Check it ou—!"

 _THWACK!_

"GRK!" Luffy choked, slapping a hand to the side of his neck. However, before he could do anything further, the syringe that had just stabbed him finished emptying its contents into his bloodstream, causing the rubber-man to keel over and start snoring.

We all stared at Luffy's prone form in shock for a moment before turning our gazes to Chopper, whose hoof was still extended in a throwing follow-through and whose face was a rictus of pure _rage. "Unbelievable, inconsiderate, suicidal…!"_ The human-reindeer's words trailed off into unintelligible grumbling as he marched up to Luffy and grabbed the back of his collar. He then shot a dour glare around the deck. " _If you'll excuse me, I'm going retire to the kitchen for a bit so as to guarantee that this_ ignoramus!" He emphasized the word with a thoroughly ineffective smack to Luffy's temple. " _Doesn't keel over at age 50 due to_ _ **artificial MUSCLE ATROPHY!"**_

Nobody dared halt the doctor as he marched up the stairs, flung Luffy into the kitchen and _slammed_ the door shut behind him.

Soundbite blinked in surprise before giving me a hesitant glance. " _Should we_ _ **SAVE HIM?"**_

I shook my head with an exasperated sigh. "No, no, best we leave them be. Luffy might suffer in the short-term, but Chopper _is_ essentially working to save him from, well, himself." I clapped my hands as I decided that it'd be better for my sanity to _not_ dwell on whatever unholy procedures Chopper was performing. "Right then, next up is…" I frowned as I realized who I had turned to. "Vivi. I meant to ask you after we were through with Eneru, but things got kinda hectic so I forgot until now with Aokiji, so I'll ask before I forget: that necklace you're wearing, what—?"

"OH, MY, LOOK AT THE TIME!" Vivi yelped desperately before I could get another word out, sweat cascading down her face as she plastered a _very_ rictus grin on. She then vaulted onto Carue's back and clutched his reins in a white-knuckled grip. "In all the excitement, I _almost_ forgot that I'd been meaning to run some laps with Carue, for practice! Well, no time like the present! Come on, Carue, let's go, once around the island, chop chop!"

"Hey, now, wait a—!"

 _WHOOSH!_

"Minute…" I trailed off slowly as I turned my head to stare after the dust cloud that was fast approaching the horizon. "…Wow."

"DAT DUCK CAN _**MOVE!"**_ Soundbite whistled in awe.

"Tell me about it…" I grumbled darkly before giving Soundbite a searching glance. "By the way, is there any chance that she—?"

" _Sorry, nada."_ Soundbite shook his head in denial. " **Most I've GOTTEN IS THE** _ **word**_ ' _SIROCCO'…_ _ **ALTHOUGH…"**_

I glanced at him curiously. "What?"

"EH…" He nodded his head side to side. " _I think that I heard a_ _ **voice coming from**_ **IT? DON'T THINK IT WAS alive, though, so…"**

"Huh…" I mulled that over for a second before shaking my head. "Well, either way, if she doesn't want to share, I suppose that's just her prerogative. I'll drop it… for now, anyway." I moved on to Conis. "Alright, now for you, our resident angel of firepower. Given how you've been toting that Burn Bazooka around all day without so much as breaking a sweat, I'm guessing it's safe to assume that you don't find it's weight to be in any way daunting?"

Conis shifted her bazooka around on her back for a moment before nodding confidently. "Yes, that sounds about right. Thanks to all the strength from the extra oxygen, it barely feels like I'm carrying anything."

"Then I say it's high time we change that," I said, smacking my fist into my palm. "Seeing as you can carry that behemoth around no problem, you can easily carry around a bunch of its cousins at the same time. Your goal is to find out just how firepower you can comfortably strap to yourself at once; trust me, if you think talking softly and carrying a big gun equals being a badass, that's easily trumped by being a walking arsenal."

"Can do!" the angel saluted eagerly.

"Su, make sure she doesn't somehow _over_ load and become _in_ effective."

"I will try, but I make no promises!" Su swiped her tail up to her forehead in a salute.

"Hey!"

"Remember the macaroni incident?"

"YOU SWORE TO NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN! Though I suppose I do see your point. _So much cheese…"_

I shuddered slightly as I watched the usually serene woman devolve into a fit of horrified twitching before electing to move along. "And Boss!" I pointed at the martial artist confidently for a moment before slowly lowering my finger. "I… am afraid that I have nothing for you or your students…"

"Eh," Boss shrugged indifferently. "You've given us more than enough to work on already." He pumped his fist with a grin. "We'll just have to do the rest ourselves! Right, boys?"

"AYE, BOSS!" his students concurred.

"Well, then, in that case…" I clapped my hands and nodded. "That's it! Everyone go right ahead and get to it!"

"Hang on a second, Cross," Nami interjected. "Aren't you forgetting someone?"

"Eh?" I blinked at her in confusion. "No, I was just leaving that up to you. I don't have anything to suggest until Usopp's got the Clima-Tact ready, so—"

Nami cut me off by rapping her knuckles on my forehead with a flat look. "I meant _you_ , dumb-dumb. You've told everyone else what they should do to get stronger, but what are _you_ going to do in the meantime?"

I felt a cold sweat begin to drip down my forehead as I suddenly realized I _hadn't_ thought of something for me to do, and that meant someone was going to 'volunteer' me to work with them. And in all honesty, _that_ was likely to end with me in a _motherload_ of pain.

"I-I, uh…" I stammered intelligently.

"Mikey, Donny," Boss thankfully interrupted. "Go help Cross out. Sobek knows he needs it."

"BOSS, YES, BOSS!" both dugongs barked, saluting.

I swallowed nervously at their enthusiasm and promptly shot a pleading look at Usopp. " _Please_ tell me that you managed to finish whatever upgrades you planned to make to my baton."

"Ah…" Usopp hesitated for a moment before nodding nervously. "Maybe yes? Fair warning, I'm not entirely confident about its build, so—!"

"I'm about to fight two _Kung-Fu_ Dugongs, see how much I care!" I growled desperately.

Usopp glanced at the two amphibians, who were tapping their weapons in their palms before shuddering in terror. "Point taken." The sniper-tinkerer drew a metal cylinder out of his bag and tossed it to me. "Just be careful, it's still kind of—!"

I caught the cylinder in mid-air—

 _ZAP!_

And promptly found myself flat on my back, coughing up a hefty cloud of smoke. "Ow…"

" **NOT** _ **fun!"**_ Soundbite whined.

"…sensitive," Usopp winced sympathetically as he stood over me, scratching the back of his head. "Sorry, those Thunder Dials are really tricky. Guess there are still a few bugs to work out, huh?"

"The appropriate phrase here…" I wheezed out as I shakily extended my arm skyward, my baton held delicately between my fingertips. "Would be 'no doi'."

Usopp took the collapsed weapon back with a pair of insulated pliers he'd pulled from his bag. "I'll just, ah, try and work them out, then, huh?"

"Yeah," I winced as I coughed up another lungful of smoke. "You do that…"

"Nice dance, Cross," Su snickered. "Real fancy footwork!"

"Go get your tail charred off, puff-ball…" I snarled as I slowly crawled to my feet, shaking my head in order to dislodge the stars swirling in it. "So, uh, how are we doing this exactly?"

Donny jabbed a flipper over his shoulder, pointing towards the shore. "This way."

I gave him a shaky thumbs-up. "You got it. Just gimme a bit to get my armor on, I'm going to need all the protection I can get."

"Yeah, sure thing, we'll be waiting," Donny waved his flipper flippantly as he and Mikey leapt over the edge of the ship.

I waited for a moment before shooting a glare at Nami. "You realize that they are going to absolutely tenderize me, right?"

Nami hummed to herself, tapping a finger on her lips. "I suppose I _could_ tell you that this is for your own good. That I care about you, and that I want to see you get stronger so that I don't have to worry about you so much. I could also tell you that I think you can teach those dugongs as much as they teach you, or even that this is a matter of solidarity, with all of us getting steadily stronger and that I don't want you left behind."

I saw _this_ punch line coming a mile away. "Aaaand in reality?"

She patted my shoulder comfortingly as she sported a winning smile. "Try and grow a spine and some thicker skin, you weak-ass piece of putty."

"…Alright, while most of that is par for the course… thicker skin? Don't you think that if there were a way to do that, I'd jump on it?" I asked dryly, holding an arm up at eye-level.

The blood drained from Nami's face as she gaped at my limb before she swallowed heavily. "… Okay, I suppose I could have worded… that…" She trailed off before giving me a flat look. "Considering how you always tell Lassoo that dog insults were fine before he joined the crew, I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say you're screwing with me?"

"Atta girl," I chuckled, slapping her back as I moved past her to where my armor was laid out.

As I pulled on the pieces, I thought about how different it felt. The sleeves fit like… well, like a glove, and the metal on the outside moved just as the sleeves did. It was a bit more comfortable than the last set I had, but I could feel that it was a lot tougher this time, too; the sheer extra weight of the things attested to _that._ In addition, the Kevlar-grade material on the inside coupled with Usopp's whatever-the-hell metal on the outside made sure that I wouldn't have to worry about any pain getting through the bandages. To cap it all off, the armor was sealed on just as tightly as my previous iteration, with the elbow and knee guards doing an expert job of hiding the unlatching mechanisms.

I rolled my arms and took a few practice steps to re-acclimate myself to the weight of the armor, although it soon became clear that I wasn't so much re-acclimating as I was flat-out acclimating. After all, the difference in size combined with the fact that it was around twice as heavy as the old armor was making this seem less like an upgrade and more like what it actually was: a completely new set of armor that I'd have to grow used to all over again. And it wasn't going to be as easy as I'd hoped, either.

I threw out a few practice punches and swung my leg up so that I could lash out a Spartan Kick.

I grinned in satisfaction.

"Perfect," I announced before glancing over at Usopp, one of my gauntlets held up so that the palm was facing him. "So, how do I…?"

"Hey, don't point it at me, that's the Flash one!" the sniper said, hastily covering his eyes. "But just flexing your palm should be enough. Whole hand, to prevent misfires."

I eyed my left hand—my Flash Gauntlet— for a moment before flipping its palm down and firmly flexing the bottoms of my knuckles. I was _extremely_ happy to see light strobing on the ground. "Ooooh, yeah, this is gonna be useful…" I then glanced over at Lassoo as he chose that moment to get up and shake himself off. "Well, I'm almost completely loaded down anyway. Whaddaya say, Lassoo, wanna help me give them our best?"

The dog-gun yawned jaw-crackingly wide before giving me an apologetic shrug. "Sorry, Cross, no can do." He jerked his head over at Conis. "I've got an appointment with our resident iron-jock-strapped angel here for an upgrade." He leered eagerly, tongues of flame licking out from between his fangs. "I want me a piece of that firepower she was tossing around earlier!"

In spite of the fact that I was going to be left without my heaviest artillery at my back, I couldn't help but chuckle. "Alright, go on, then."

Tail wagging excitedly, he bounded over to Conis, and I exchanged glances with an eager-looking Soundbite before jogging over to the railing and jumping down to the shore. I was _very_ pleased when I found that it didn't hurt in the least.

A few scant feet before me, Donny and Mikey stood on opposite ends of the Merry, the former twirling his staff with quiet but ill-disguised eagerness, and the latter practically bursting with belligerent excitement.

"Alright, then," I nodded as I started walking forward, stretching my arms back and forth as I went. "So, are there any rules here? Any limitations, any holds barred, is there a starting sig—" I cut myself off mid-sentence, leaping forwards and swinging my leg at Mikey.

Said leg was promptly caught by the chains of the nunchuck the dugong snapped taut and held at bay without even a hint of worry from him.

Mikey stared blandly at the sole of my greave for a moment before cocking an eyebrow at me. "Did you _honestly_ expect that to work?"

I shrugged in an innocent manner. "Not really, but I had to try."

"Well, I guess the first lesson is in situational awareness," the dugong replied.

I frowned. "Situational awareness? What—"

" **BEHIND!"** Soundbite suddenly yelped.

I didn't even need to look to guess what Soundbite was referring to, and most likely any other person would have ducked down to avoid what was coming, but seeing as I wasn't one for conventional solutions, I instead chose to leap _forwards,_ using the chain of Mikey's weapon to vault over him. I'd have gone for a boot to the head in the process, but he rolled under me before I got the chance, leaving me to land in a roll and turn to face my opponents.

"Hmm, not bad," Donny hummed, twirling his bo staff as he landed, Mikey popping up beside him. "You and Soundbite really do form a good team. Okay, we'll do this the normal way."

Both dugongs snapped their weapons up into ready stances, a palpable aura of menace rising around them.

" _Defend yourself."_

"GASTRO-FLASH!" I immediately shouted, pointing the Flash Gauntlet in front of me, Soundbite chiming in with an ear-piercing shriek. Mikey stumbled and fell to the ground with a cry of pain while Donny kept going. Apparently _one_ of them had the foresight to plug their shells with wax.

I threw up an arm to block the bo staff as it descended, then hastily moved my other arm up when the dugong seamlessly moved into another strike. And then another strike came and was blocked. And another. I backpedalled furiously, barely blocking the strikes from the bo staff—but the fact of the matter was that I was _actually blocking them_. And every other block built up a little more energy…

I caught another overhead strike, and instead of blocking the follow-up I tried to meet it with my palm. The Impact Dial rang out, rattling the air in front of me, and Donny only barely managed to pull back his staff before it shattered. We each paused, me panting slightly and Donny not winded in the slightest. And just to make matters even _more_ fun, the staff-wielder was swiftly joined by Mikey jumping to his side, eyes narrowed and bloodshot but still full of raw energy.

We maintained our deadlock for a few moments, until the dugongs acted on an unspoken signal and suddenly _moved._

Mikey immediately shot towards me, while Donny veered off to the left. He was going to go behind me again, I just knew it, but with Mikey up in my face I wasn't able to do much about it. Where Donny was almost like a dancer, flowing from attack to attack with almost water-like fluidity, Mikey was straightforward, brutal smashing. Or, to put it another way, Donny actually had grace and strategy, while Mikey had adapted hack-and-slash to his nunchucks.

Once again I found myself on the defensive, and I kept a count in my head as the blows rained on my right arm. Not to let off the Impact Dial again. I doubted they'd let me do that. No, it was for something else…

" **BEHIND!"**

I was ducking even before Soundbite barked out a warning. Unfortunately, that didn't do much good as Donny had gone low with his attack this time. Fortunately, as I was squatting down, I was only lightly knocked onto my side rather than sent tumbling. I grinned as an idea came to me, and I planted my right palm on the ground.

" _Impact."_

With a loud bang, the Impact Dial discharged, spraying dirt and grass everywhere.

"Ackpft!"

Including into my face. Not my brightest idea, but it did get the dugongs to back off and snap their guards up, and that was precisely what I'd been going for. I quickly sprang to my feet and charged at the first dugong I saw, who turned out to be Mikey. After all, I couldn't stay on the defensive forever and the best way to flip the script would be to take out _their_ primary enforcer first.

I did _not_ count on Mikey wrapping up my punch in the chains of his nunchucks and flipping me off my feet.

I don't know if it was design or by accident—probably a bit of both—but as I sailed through the air, I managed to position my foot _just_ right so that it clocked Mikey upside the head. Of course, he had that big turtle shell protecting him, but a nice and heavy armored boot connecting with his skull still dazed him a bit. Of course, I also got the wind knocked out of me upon hitting the ground, so I think we came off even in that exchange.

As I caught my breath, I felt Soundbite desperately chomp on my shoulder. I glanced up and hastily threw up my armored palm to catch Donny's staff, something I felt even through the layers of protection. My foot came up to try and meet his soft underbelly, but he put his muscular tail in the way—and in doing so, forgot about my second trick of the fight.

"GASTRO-FLASH!"

Wax or not, non-sight combat senses or not, getting a spotlight to the face _hurts_. More than that, the instinct to cover your eyes is both universal and very difficult to overcome, as amply demonstrated by Dragon Ball Z. With the pressure on my arms gone, I raised my other foot and managed to nail Donny clean in his face, throwing him off of me and leaving him reeling. I breathed a sigh of relief and began to stand up—

" **INCOMING!"**

This time the warning _wasn't_ in time. Mikey's nunchucks hit me right between the shoulder blades. I let the blow knock me forward onto my hands, and shot my foot back in a mule-kick. It didn't hit anything, but it did force him to dodge back a bit before leaping at me again, giving me long enough to spin around—

"IMPACT!"

And slam my right gauntlet into his gut as I activated its mechanism.

"GAGH!" he cried out, flailing slightly as he tumbled on the ground. I immediately took the opportunity, diving onto the downed dugong. It wasn't any kind of formal move, closer to just kneeling on him, but I was over double his weight and size, so it worked. I punched the ground, to get as much charge as I could into the Impact Dial, and moved the gauntlet into position—

Aaaaand promptly froze when I felt a weight land on my back and wood knock against the back of my skull.

All four of us stayed frozen for a few seconds until I slowly raised my Flash gauntlet up where Donny could see it, pointedly keeping the palm facing _away_ from him. "Truce?"

Donny was silent for a moment before removing his staff from my neck and hopping off. "I can live with that."

"Ooooowww," Mikey whined as he wiggled on the ground, clutching his belly miserably. "Damn it dude, that _huuuurt…"_

"Oh, you have _no_ right to talk, Chuck-boy!" I winced as I twisted my torso back and forth, causing the spot where he'd managed to slam me to flare up painfully. "Freaking _hell,_ those things hurt like heck!"

"You kicked me in the head and hit me with the pure force of Donny's staff!" the orange-bandanna-wearer moaned. "That does _not_ compare to one nunchuk-blow!"

"Guys, guys," Donny cut in, coming between us with his flippers raised placatingly. "You're _both_ babies, can we move on now?"

"HEY! _I'm a_ _ **baby,**_ **TOO!"**

We all spared Soundbite a flat look, which he responded to with a wide grin.

"… Fine, moving on," I ultimately conceded. "So, any advice you two can give me?"

"Well, for starters… you're an instinctive fighter, Cross," Donny explained.

"Basically, that means you can lash out like a freaking maniac without thinking and _not_ automatically get your ass handed to you," Mikey provided.

Donny glared at his fellow student and opened his mouth before trailing off and cocking his head to the side. "Alright, so he's not entirely wrong. The gist of it is that what you do is brawling with some sense to it, which Zoro told Boss and Boss told us was apparently what you're going for, and you're damn good at it, too. As for training options, well…" He shrugged helplessly. "There aren't really any formal ones. The best way to train what you do is to just let you go ahead and _fight_. Trial and error, and all that, let you work out all the kinks in your strategies for yourself."

I nodded thoughtfully as I processed that explanation. "Works for me…" I trailed off before looking at the snail on my shoulder. "Ah, by the way, Soundbite? You need to be a _bit—"_

"S _ay_ _ **faster. I DARE**_ YOU."

"No, no, your speed was fine!" I waved him down placatingly. "I was going to say _specific._ Just saying behind doesn't mean jack when an attack can come from high or low as well."

Soundbite frowned, but nodded. " _I'll_ _ **keep that**_ **in mind."**

"Well, if we're done here, I'm going to get back to trying out more of our new arsenal," Mikey grinned eagerly, heading back towards the Merry.

"And if Nami's done with Usopp, I should probably see how far her bojutsu has progressed," Donny added, following his fellow student.

I was about to go find Lassoo when I remembered that I had something to deal with on the ship as well. Sighing, I began trudging back towards it.

" _What's_ _ **wrong?**_ WE DIDN'T _**DO**_ **THAT badly,"** Soundbite said curiously.

"It's not that, Soundbite. It's about something far more serious." I shook my head grimly as I climbed back aboard the Merry. "Do me a favor, will you? Any snide remarks you feel like sharing during the coming conversation? Try and keep them to yourself unless they're constructive. This… is going to be delicate."

Soundbite seemed to shrink in on himself in apprehension; I guess he'd seen me this kind of serious enough now that he was worried about what was coming next. Probably like how I was. I climbed to the top of the Merry where Usopp had established his makeshift factory, where I saw him tinkering with the Eisen Dial's control apparatus alongside a blue rod that was splayed open and was starting to take on a very familiar form. He glanced up as he heard my approach and promptly rolled his eyes. "Look, Cross, I'm sorry about the baton, but with your armor finished, Nami won't be happy if I don't make her upgrade priority one, so—"

"This isn't about that, Usopp," I interrupted. "I could give a damn about getting shocked. I'm here about the stability of the crew."

Usopp choked off in shock and turned to fully face me.

I glanced at Soundbite and spun my finger in the air, waiting for the telltale buzz before continuing. "Usopp, this is very serious: how are you feeling after that meeting with Aokiji?"

The sniper's expression instantly darkened with doubt, and it took a few second for him to work up his nerve to reply. "…I… I remember what you said after Drum Island, Cross," he muttered morosely. "That I'd always be the weakest on the crew. At first, I was alright with things because of how you said that I was the weakest out of the world's strongest crew. And it really worked, too…" He ground his teeth. "Until now, anyway. It's just… if the Monster Trio and Boss were beaten in one shot like that, what good am I going to do against opponents like—"

" _Usopp,_ " I cut in sharply and with more than a little desperation, causing him to snap out of his thoughts. "All of us on the crew are meant to do what we can. Nothing more, and nothing less. I'm the crew's tactician, so my training in brawling is so that I can handle _mooks,_ not full-blown officers or captains. You're a _sniper_ , not a frontline fighter; if anything, you're _supposed_ to be as far from the fight as possible, so that you have a better chance attacking opponents nobody else possibly can."

Usopp's expression barely lightened, and he sighed. "Cross… I know I'm stronger than I normally ever would have been at this point without you. And obviously, all the extra upgrades and weapon designs I've been doing have made it clear that I play a key role in helping the crew's weaker members. But still…" He scratched the back of his head uncomfortably. "If we're going to be up against monsters like Aokiji… I just want to make sure I live up to the crew, you know?"

I sighed in undisguised relief. I could work with this. "So… what you're saying is that you're just disappointed because you don't feel like you're living up to the name of the crew?"

Usopp started to nod his head before pausing and slowly shooting a suspicious glance my way. "Yeah… but why do you ask?"

I froze as I realized that I'd just overplayed my hand. "I… it's nothing, Usopp, just getting some ducks in—"

" _What is it,_ Cross?" he pressed, serious as the grave.

I grimaced as I thought things over before mustering my nerve and giving Usopp an equally serious look. "Usopp… do you trust me?"

My question caught the long-nose off-guard. "Huh? What are you—?"

"Answer the question," I repeated.

"Yes, yes, I trust you, geeze! What's this got to do with—!"

"Usopp," I interrupted again. "I realize that I might have played this card to death and back when I joined the crew, but I am playing it now in _full_ confidence: you are better off not knowing."

"What!?" Usopp squawked indignantly. "Cross, this _obviously_ concerns me, I have a right—!"

"You have the right to know, but that does not mean that it is in your best interests," I flatly interrupted. "If you have any measure of trust in me, then you will listen to my words and heed them: that possible path in life is dead and buried in the ground, where, if I have any say in the matter, it will remain until the end of time, forever unseen and unheard. You. Are better off. _Not knowing it."_ I softened my expression, putting as much pleading desperation into it as I could manage. "So, please… don't ask again?"

Usopp hesitated for a second before sighing and hanging his head. "Alright, Cross. If you say so."

I let out a whoosh of relief as I clapped Usopp on the shoulder. "Great, thanks! Well, seeing as that's… everything…" I paused in my exit before slowly turning back to Usopp. "Actually… one more thing. Just… want some advice to help with your confidence?"

"Uh…" Usopp thought it over before nodding tentatively. "Yeah, why not. Couldn't hurt, I guess."

"Great! Now then, first things first. Tell me this, Usopp: do you think you're a good liar?"

"Wha—? I _know_ that I'm a good liar!"

"Then how about this: if all else fails in inspiring your confidence, why not try lying to yourself? Now, now!" I held a hand up when Usopp started to protest. "Hear me out! Look, when you get scared or feel like running, why not just try… I dunno, convincing _yourself_ that you actually have the willpower you need to fight and win? Practice that enough and eventually you'll believe it so much that it's actually true! Genius, no?"

Usopp blinked several times as he processed that, cupping his chin in thought. "…You know, that's crazy enough that it just might—"

" _LOOK_ **out!"** Soundbite suddenly hollered.

Moments later, we heard the sound of a door slamming open, followed shortly by Chopper, still clearly in the throes of the Madness Place.

" _ **ALRIGHT, I'M DONE WITH THIS IDIOT! DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH HIM!"**_

The two of us quickly rushed to the edge of the Merry's top, just in time to see Luffy arc off the Merry, wafting gracefully through the air before slamming to the ground in a shower of dirt and grass. Amazingly, he stayed asleep through the whole ordeal.

Well, at least, until a small syringe-dart… well, darted off the ship and hit Luffy in the seat of his pants. Two seconds of stillness. Just two. And then—

"WOOHOO!"

Luffy shot up and started rocketing around the plain like a rubbery bat out of Impel Down, the syringe falling out immediately. And what followed was proof that giving Luffy too much caffeine or sugar was only to be done if we were going to use him as a weapon.

"I THINK _he may have_ _ **mastered**_ **SHAVING,"** Soundbite groaned dizzily, his eyestalks spinning uncontrollably. And honestly, considering the numerous footfalls and dust trails that were crisscrossing the plain and the air above it, along with dialogue that sounded almost Alvin, Simon, and Theodore-grade levels of fast and squeaky, I couldn't blame him. It also almost made me ask Chopper to make more of whatever the hell that had been for combat use.

Almost.

After a few seconds, I turned my head to look at Usopp. "You want some practice hitting a moving target?" I deadpanned.

"I acknowledge that I am good at my field, Cross," Usopp deadpanned right back. "But I am _nowhere_ near that good."

"Fair 'nuff."

Shouts arose from the island as Luffy tore through everyone's training sessions in his stimulant-induced rampage, none more angry than Zoro and Sanji. The second I heard those particularly irate voices, I immediately hid behind the scant protection of the Merry's railing as I realized what was coming.

"Uh, Cross, what are you—?" Usopp began, before being interrupted by two-thirds of the Monster Trio.

" _ **LUFFY!"**_

"Nice place you got here," Usopp commented as he huddled alongside me.

"Make yourself right at home," I invited right back.

After a few seconds of no explosion, we both poked our heads out from behind the railing. We almost immediately regretted it; I could see faces and arms flickering in and out on Zoro's sides, and Sanji's right foot was dragging along the ground, wafting up smoke. Luffy had stopped bounding around like a chipmunk on crack, and seemed to be almost appraising the threat.

And then they _moved_. The resulting clash promptly threw up a massive cloud of dust, streaked with fire and practically spitting razor-sharp winds. The din echoing out was devoid of grunts of pain… then, after a solid minute, we saw Luffy soar above it, his mouth bit down on his hand and his body already bulging.

"GUM-GUM!" Luffy shouted, audible even over the roar of the clash below. I gaped in awe, completely forgetting to take cover. _This_ is what I had signed up for.

"GIANT PISTOL!"

Luffy's fist impacted the shore under the dust cloud with an almighty crash, and the hard-packed soil and the rock below simply _disintegrated_. And rather than add to the existing dust cloud, it blew it away entirely. I caught a glimpse of red on Sanji's foot and nine swords rather than three, before the last of the dust cleared and I got a glimpse of where Luffy had hit, distracting me from all else.

It was as if a giant had stomped on the spot—which was basically what happened. A fist-shaped chunk of coast was simply _gone_ , as if it had never been there. And right next to it, shrunken to a foot tall, was Luffy. The contrast was so ridiculous that it triggered… something within me.

"Pff—"

"WILL YOU JUST HURRY UP AND LAUGH ALREADY!?" Nami screamed at me.

Well, who was I to deny a lady her wishes?

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHA! I FUCKING LOVE THIS CREW SO MUCH! PFFHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Ahhh, it was _good_ to be back.

 **-o-**

A few hours later, we decided that we'd gotten as much as we could out of staying moored to Long Ring Long. Soon enough, we'd packed up what little of our supplies we'd unpacked, gotten everyone aboard and weighed anchor, following the course the Log set for us to reach the next stop on our journey.

As we set off on this new voyage, Nami, Zoro and I stood side-by-side on the railing, staring at the sunset.

"So," Zoro started solemnly. "We've suffered our first complete defeat as a crew, and it pushed us far enough that Luffy decided to revoke any limits on spoilers as long as it could make us stronger. And you said that this is the _start_ of the hardest leg we're going through?"

"Aokiji was a hopeless fight, and we won't be finding another one of those anytime soon," I confirmed solemnly before allowing myself a slight grimace. "But the fights that we _will_ find are going to push us farther than Alabasta. This extra training will help, I'm sure, but…" I hung my head with a sigh. "Well, suffice to say… buckle up."

Nami glanced between us for a moment before groaning in frustration and turning around to stride back towards the cabin, but as she walked, I didn't miss the last words she muttered beneath her breath.

" _God,_ I need a vacation."

 **Cross-Brain AN: Here's something unheard of for** _ **This Bites!**_ **: a preview of the next chapter!**

" _Wow, it is a map, of an island! Weird name though, anyone recognize it?"_

" _Not me."_

" _Nope."_

" _Never heard of it."_

" _What about the letter that came with it?"_

" _Here, let me, I'll read it. Alright, let's see. Here's what is says:_

" **If you are a pirate among pirates…"**

 _ **A Resort with a Twisted Secret…**_

"I DON'T KNOW _HOW TO PUT IT, BUT…_ _ **I DUNNO,**_ **something just sounds** … _**off**_ **. GOOD OR BAD,** _I don't…_ _ **this place is weird.**_ "

" **Among pirates…"**

 _ **A Vile Demon Hidden in Plain Sight…**_

" _A… smiling flower, at that. Swear to God, Grand Line gets weirder every day…"_

" **Among pirates…"**

 _ **A Pitiful Man With a Terrible Past…**_

" _Every single one of those arrows symbolizes a day of loneliness I endured after that storm. They are the number of the regrets I have suffered at suddenly losing every one of my beloved crewmates. Have you had a glimpse of what I've endured?_ "

" **Then gather your steadfast crew of companions…"**

 _ **Doubt Turns to Conflict, Conflict Turns to Hate, Hate Turns to Madness…**_

" _HEY! GET BACK HERE, BITCH! THAT'S MY AUDIENCE!_ GIVE ME BACK MY AUDIENCE!"

" **And set sail for our island."**

 _ **And All the World Made to Bear Witness**_

"LUUUUUUUFFYYYYYYY!"

" **The name of the island is…"**

 _ **The Island that Nobody Leaves…**_

"How… **how could** _ **this happen?**_ _WHAT HAPPENED_ TO MY _**FRIENDS?!"**_

 **OMATSURI ISLAND.**

" _Wow, this place sounds like fun!"_

" _Yeah, it does… any opinions on it, Cross?"_

" _Hmm… I'll be honest, I think I might have? But I can't quite… ah, no, wait a second! Yeah, now I remember! I saw a poster for—ah… for, for… for an event! Yeah, an event about the place! Never actually saw it so I've got no clue what to expect, buuut the poster itself looked pretty cheery! Flowers everywhere, bright and colorful; probably nothing on the island itself to worry about. In my opinion?"_

" _Tell me_ **this is** _ **just a NIGHTMARE.**_ **SOMEONE** WAKE ME UP!"

" _ **I'd say that this could turn out to be the most relaxing vacation of our lives."**_

 **Cross-Brain AN: All of a sudden, that ending turned into a devastating cliffhanger. And for those of you who don't get how, well… clearly, you've never seen the darkest tale ever to bear the name of One Piece:** _ **Baron Omatsuri and the Secret Island.**_

 **Patient AN: It's high time that we got to include a bit of horror in this story, and so we shall… at the stroke of midnight next Sunday. Don't hold it against us…** _ **you don't know what we've been through…**_

 **Hornet AN: Are you ready?**

 **Xomniac AN: Sleep tight, readers…** _ **don't let the flowers bite.**_


	38. Omatsuri Island

**Omatsuri Island**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is our take on one of the most…** _ **iconic**_ **tales ever created in the main** _ **One Piece**_ **media. Those of you with weak constitutions may want to skip this chapter.**

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

 **Still here?** _ **MARVELOUS.**_ **We hope you enjoy the SBS Horror Show, and yes, it is** _ **exactly**_ **as bad as it sounds. Good luck getting to sleep tonight…** _ **you'll need it…**_

"Huh? What the—? Hey, guys!"

"What is it, Luffy?"

"Check it out, I found a bottle in the water, and there's something inside it!"

"Really? Cool! What is it?"

"Here, lemme see! Huh, looks like a map, a letter, and… an Eternal Pose? Wonder how they managed that. Hey, Leo, mind cutting it open?"

 _SHINK!_

"Thanks!"

"Wow, it _is_ a map, of an island! Weird name though, anyone recognize it?"

"Not me."

"Nope."

"Never heard of it."

"What about the letter that came with it?"

"Here, let me, I'll read it. Alright, let's see. Here's what it says:

 **If you are a pirate among pirates…**

 **Among pirates…**

 **Among pirates…**

 **Then gather your steadfast crew of companions…**

 **And set sail for our island.**

 **The name of the island is…**

 **OMATSURI ISLAND."**

"Wow, this place sounds like fun!"

"Yeah, it does… any opinions on it, Cross?"

"Hmm... I'll be honest, I think I might have? But I can't quite… ah, no, wait a second! Yeah, _now_ I remember! I saw a poster for— _ah…_ for, for… for an event! Yeah, an event about the place! Never actually saw it so I've got no clue _what_ to expect, but the poster itself looked pretty cheery! Flowers everywhere, bright and colorful; probably nothing on the island itself to worry about. In my opinion? I'd say that this could turn out to be the most relaxing vacation of our lives."

" _Well, in all fairness,_ OMATSURI _DOES MEAN_ _ **FESTIVAL!"**_

"It all sounds too good! It's a trap, I know it!"

"Well, now, hold on, let's withhold judgement for a bit, hm? Does that letter say anything else?"

"Ah… yeah, it does, let me read the rest. 'Omatsuri Island is the Grand Line's only pleasure island resort. As its name implies, every day is a festival. You will also enjoy our many spas and beauty salons.'"

"Oooh… it _has_ been awhile since I've had a nice… _anything_ in that line of treatment…"

"'Your nightlife will be filled with beauties from around the world and a selection of fine beverages.'"

"Beauties? It must be a wonderful island!"

"'Dinner will be a full course of exquisite cuisines.'"

"Hmph… I suppose my interest is a _little_ piqued…"

"'Our wildlife preserve features all the amazing sights that nature can provide.'"

"Oh, now that sounds inviting, don't you think, Su?"

"After a Marine Base and a godforsaken prairie? Either I get a nice and wild locale or I get pissy!"

"'Our dojo is home to many retired masters of weapons that are always up for a new challenge.'"

"Hmph! An excellent opportunity! Is not clashing with those who have already learned all that the weapons have to teach them, the better to improve one's own craft… a Man's Romance?"

"GO, BOSS, GO!"

"This sounds perfect!"

"It's a trap, I tell you!"

"Oh, who cares if it's a trap? Worst comes to worst, we kick their teeth in, loot their treasure rooms and come away even _richer!_ For however much that's worth, anyway, considering all the gold we're hauling!"

" _We'll make room…_ but no need to assume the worst!"

"And why not? When have things ever _not_ gone horribly wrong?"

"Ya know, he hath a pwetty good point, thewe…"

"Captain, what do you think?…Luffy?…HEY, LUFFY, ARE YOU LISTENING?!"

"…Read the first part again."

"Huh? Oh, okay…'If you are a pirate among pirates among pirates among pirates, then gather your steadfast crew of companions and set sail for our island.'"

"Alright! I've decided. We head for Omatsuri Island! The reason, of course, is that we're pirates!"

"Tsk, should have seen that coming…"

"Do you really have no commentary, Mis—Cross?"

"Hm? Oh, nah, I've only heard the name of the place in passing, I don't know anything about it. We must have just gotten lucky! Personally, I'm with the captain! I mean, sure, this thing screams honeypot and pirate flytrap out the wailing wazoo, but who the heck cares? We're the Straw Hat Pirates! I mean…

.

.

.

 _What's the worst that could happen?"_

 **-o-**

It was as peaceful a day as there ever was in the hidden city of Zou, built on the back of the perpetually wandering titanic elephant Zunisha. The inhabitants, the Mink Tribe, were fearsome warriors, yet kind and gentle to any who they knew as friends. Yet aside from bonds forged long ago, it was rare for them to have more acquaintance with any outside of their wandering island than the occasional Mink that left, to end up either joining another's crew… or face the hellish reality of slavery. 700,000 beri for a Mink. Perhaps that's one reason why they engaged in such isolation, and the race as a whole had little to no contact with the outside world.

Or at least, that _was_ the case, until…

" _Don don don don!"_

"Hold everything! It's time for the SBS!" barked Duke Inuarashi. All of the Minks followed his example, moving towards the well-secured canopy where their seldom-used Transponder Snail dwelled, safe from the salt water of Zunisha's daily baths. An agile rabbit-like Mink moved into the chamber where the snail dwelled, and after removing the receiver, all present quieted to listen.

Indeed, the first day that Zou had heard their Transponder Snail making such a sound, it drew the attention of nearly everyone on the island, whether day-dwelling or night-dwelling; the only ones who had the number of their snail would only call in the event of something bad. 'Bad' in this case meaning something along the lines of being in the middle of a losing war. It brought no small amount of relief and confusion when the Minks instead heard the voice of a pirate that they had never heard of, but the tale spun on that very first broadcast drew feelings of empathy from everyone who heard it, and since then they had never missed a broadcast. The messages it broadcast, whether thrilling, horrifying, comedic, or just flat-out strange, were the first thing in years that could make the two Dukes of the island stay awake and tolerate each other simultaneously.

" _And five, and six, and seven, and eight… hmm-hmm-hmm… alright, that'll do it. Hello, everyone! Jeremiah Cross here, and welcome back to the SBS!"_

Silence fell immediately on both ends.

"… _Huh. Hey, Soundbite, not that I'm complaining, but shouldn't you have interrupted me?"_

" _Yeah_ , _I SHOULD'VE_ … _**but this**_ **island THREW ME** FOR A LOOP."

" _What do you mean?"_

"I DON'T KNOW _HOW TO PUT IT, BUT..._ _ **I DUNNO,**_ **something just sounds** … _**off**_ **. GOOD OR BAD,** _I don't…_ _ **this place is weird.**_ "

"This is troubling…" Duke Nekomamushi murmured as Cross gave the vocal equivalent of a shrug.

" _Well, I guess that's not too unexpected. You see, gentle viewers—and combative ones—we were sailing on our merry way to the next island, when a strange invitation came to us, inviting us to a resort, the name of which we will not reveal presently for the sake of our own safety. Now, of course, we do suspect that it's a trap, but we're confident that we can fight it off if it is. And if not… well, then consider this broadcast an advertisement for the glory of this island._ "

"What's a resort?" Carrot asked.

"I'll, ah, tell you when you're older, Carrot," Wanda hedged uncomfortably.

"…Wanda?"

"…Yes, Carrot?"

"You don't know what it is either, do you?"

Wanda sighed and slumped forwards. "No…"

Her depression was promptly forgotten in favor of trying to chase down the adolescent Mink the second she started laughing her fluffy cottontail-ed ass off.

 **-o-**

"And here I thought he couldn't get any more annoying, but now he turns himself into a salesman," drawled a man in a feathery pink jacket, staring at the snail.

"Behehehehe! Still, Doffy, if he's right, it could be good for business!" a man clad in a cloak pointed out.

Donquixote Doflamingo grinned. "Good point, Trebol."

" _Buuut, right now we're sort of wondering if it was just a prank. I mean, the advertisement had a lot of flowers on the map, and I'm not seeing a single one of those, let alone any sign of civilization. Which is weird, considering how jungles usually_ have _flowers in them. Believe me, I've had enough experience to know. Still, it sounds like drumbeats are coming from deeper in the island, so here we are wandering through untamed foliage. Not the most exciting thing in the world, even for us._ "

"You don't say," Diamante said dryly.

" _I do say, I just did._ "

All four in the room jumped.

"… _And here's hoping that_ someone _in the world actually_ _said 'You don't say' in response to that._ "

Pica facepalmed, Diamante growled, and Trebol and Doflamingo both chuckled.

"OK, that was funny," Doflamingo admitted.

" _Wait a minute… is that—? …WOW."_

" _Beauty salons and spas~!"_ crooned the navigator's voice.

" _Exotic beauties~!"_ came the chef's voice.

" _Exquisite cuisines~!_ " cried the doctor's voice.

" _Amazing sights~!"_ chorused the gunner and her pet.

" _Challenging fights!"_ called the quintet of guards.

"Wow, they've got everything," Pica squeaked.

" _This is everything we'd hoped for!_ " several voices said in unison.

"Fuffuffuffuffu… this should be interesting," Doflamingo smirked.

 **-o-**

Drumbeats echoed out of the speakers of the snail, and then came Sanji's voice again. " _Ah, the ladies~!"_ he sang. " _Come into my arms, my finely selected beauties—_ WHAT THE HELL?!"

" _Transvestites!"_

" _And they have leaves growing out of their heads!_ "

"Shurororororo! Better luck next time, loverboy!" cackled a horned scientist with a robe that looked to be made of gas. "But leaves sprouting from their heads? That's interesting—"

 _KERBLOOEY!_

His musings came to an abrupt end as he snapped his attention back to his experiment, which had boiled over, burst the vessel it was in, and was now eroding the desk. Caesar initially seemed furious before looking thoughtful. "Hmm… so, doing that gives it more corrosive properties, interesting…"

 **-o-**

" _Alright, so it looks like they weren't falsely advertising, this is_ definitely _a high-end resort. Yet to be seen if we'll actually get to go inside… ah, this must be the master of the island. You don't see people ride in on elephants very often._ "

"Yeah, why is that? That'd be cool!" Garp remarked.

"I TOLD YOU TO STOP LISTENING TO… oh, whatever, just pass me the damn crackers…" Sengoku sighed, shaking his head. "Trying to stop you just isn't worth the damn headache."

"… _Aaand it seems like plant decor is the thing here; everyone else has leaves on their head, and this guy has a flower on his shoulder. A… smiling flower, at that. Swear to God, Grand Line gets weirder every day…_ "

" _ **The only flower we've seen thus far…"**_ the garbled voice of the Straw Hats' mystery crewmate mused.

" _Huh? Oh… well, now that you mention it, I can't see any in the town either…"_

" _A local custom to denote rank, maybe?"_ Vivi proposed.

" _ **Hm…"**_

" _Pirates!"_

Garp's head snapped up, an uncharacteristically serious frown on his face as he listened to the new voice that had bellowed out. "What the—?"

" _Courageous pirates who traverse the Grand Line!"_

" _Oh, yes, yes! Yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!"_ came Luffy's excited voice.

Sengoku braced for yet another outburst from Garp for his grandson's antics, and was thus deeply surprised when Garp offered no reaction apart from a steely frown.

" _I congratulate you on making it to XXX Island! My name is Baron Omatsuri!"_

" _Baron Omatsuri?_ " the Straw Hats chorused.

"Why do I get the feeling he's not an _actual_ baron…" Sengoku started to roll his eyes before blinking in confusion when Garp got up and headed towards the door. "Huh? Where are you going?"

"The Archives…" the Hero of the Marines grumbled out. "Get Coby and Helmeppo down there as well. I need to check something."

 **-o-**

" _Yes! I am your host, the master of this island!_ "

" _IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING!"_ several of the Straw Hats sang.

"This sounds like quite the interesting island re-mi-fa-so~! If the next Reverie goes well, we will have to remember it ti-la-so~!" sang Prince Ryuboshi.

"And maybe even if things don't go well, mambo~!" Prince Manboshi twirled in agreement.

" _You have had a long and perilous journey. Please enjoy your well-deserved rest!_ "

" _IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING!"_ the Straw Hats sang again.

" _Ah, is this normal?"_ Conis asked in confusion.

" _For us? Yes. For the rest of the Blue Seas…"_ Cross trailed off in a snicker.

" _You may enjoy yourself to your hearts' content!_ "

" _IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING, IT'S COMING!_ "

" _But before you do,_ " Omatsuri continued, his tone making it clear he was no longer smiling. " _You must undertake… the Ordeal of Hell!_ "

There was a moment of stunned silence before the sound of Cross chuckling came over the line. " _Now this, though? This is just plain typical, both for us, and the world in general!"_

" _I'm sorry I asked…"_

"Of course it was a trap after all," Prince Fukaboshi grumbled.

"Now, now, son," King Neptune rumbled. "I think it's natural that a resort that invites pirates would require _some_ form of effort, jamon. Earn your relaxation by passing a test, jamon."

"I… suppose you may have a point, Father," Fukaboshi eventually conceded.

"Besides, la-ti-do~!" Ryuboshi spun contentedly. "They're the Straw Hats! It's not like there's any test in the world that could hamper them fa-mi-re-do~!"

Fukaboshi chuckled and nodded slowly in agreement. "That too is true, yes..."

He then glanced down and away once the attention was off of him, a degree of nervousness entering his expression. ' _And yet…'_ he mused silently. ' _Knowing this, why do I still feel uneasy…'_

 **-o-**

" _Uh… I have a question!"_ came the navigator's voice.

" _What is it?_ " Omatsuri asked.

" _The note said something about spas and beauty salons…"_

" _Spas?_ " Omatsuri repeated, confusion obvious in his voice.

"It would appear that I'm not the only Rip-Off artist in Paradise after all!" Shakky chuckled in amusement.

"Hm? Ah, yes, that's nice, dear…"

" _Beauties from all over the world with a selection of fine beverages…_ " Sanji said tentatively.

" _Beverages?_ " Omatsuri parroted, with the same tone of confusion.

"He hasn't heard of _beverages_?" Shakky deadpanned.

"I suppose so, dear…"

" _What about the exquisite cuisine?_ " Chopper posed.

" _There'd better be_ something _to eat…"_ Lassoo growled.

" _Exquisite cuisine… exquisite…?"_

"Okay, I'm starting to think that this guy is less a Rip-Off and more senile," Shakky flatly stated.

"If you say so, dear."

 _That_ was too much for the bartender, and she snapped her attention over to her grievously distracted husband, who was seated at a table in the dining area proper, well away from her and the Transponder Snail. "Alright, I'll bite, what's got you so enraptured? Usually I can't pry you away from an SBS show with anything less than Haki and a crowbar!"

"Hm?" Raleigh blinked in confusion, glancing up from whatever it was he was looking at for the first time since the broadcast began. "Ah, well…"

Deciding that enough was enough, Shakky rose from her barstool, strode over to his side to look over his shoulder, and promptly blinked in confusion. "Your bounty scrapbook?" she questioned, fingering the numerous pages of laminated posters.

Raleigh frowned before nodding in agreement, returning his attention to the numerous faces and identities archived before him. "Yes… something about this baron. I need to confirm, but… call it a feeling."

Shakky glanced between him and the book for a moment before freezing as she noticed a detail she'd overlooked before. "Wait, these pages—!"

"Now you see why I'm so concerned," the Dark King nodded solemnly.

 **-o-**

" _I suppose you haven't heard of retired master combatants or amazing wildlife either,_ " Cross snarked.

" _Master combatants? Look no further than my comrades, young man! And we do have a few examples of interesting wildlife… which you may observe should you pass the Ordeal of Hell!"_

"… _I'm not the only one who's underwhelmed, right?"_ Raphey eventually asked.

" _No,"_ three other voices chorused in agreement.

" _So much for an actual_ challenge…" Boss groused.

" _Well, at least there's something for me. Sorry, everyone…"_

" _There's plenty of Vearth to play on, so personally? I'm not!"_ Su laughed.

" _Well, if only for dear Conis and Su, I suppose we can stay…"_ Sanji trailed off.

" _Hey, old man! What's the Ordeal of Hell?_ " Luffy piped up.

" _The Ordeal of Hell is a test of strength! Countless many have failed to endure the task and fled barefoot from the island!"_ Omatsuri responded. " _If you do not have absolute trust in your crewmates, you would be well-advised to leave this island."_

"Sounds like Nami's in no danger, then," Hachi mused as he pushed around several pieces of octopus on his grill.

"You really think so, Hachi?" Caimie asked as she floated alongside Takoyaki 8.

"If it's a trial of trust? Then of course! No crew is more tightly-knit than the Straw Hats!" The octopus fishman hid a wince as his collection of faded scars burned beneath his shirt. "I learned that the hard way…"

" _That sounds great! Don't be stupid, we accept your challenge!_ "

" _Luffy!"_ Nami scolded. " _We don't need to do this, there are all sorts of other places we can go for interesting wildlife for Conis! And there's nothing for the rest of us! We have no good reason to participate!"_

" _I know we don't have to, but I want to. Besides, whatever it is, you guys can handle it; I trust all of you!"_ Luffy said cheerfully.

" _Heh_. _Just like the_ _ **DAVY BACK FIGHT.**_ OUR CAPTAIN _**is**_ **such A SWEET TALKER when** _HE WANTS TO BE!"_

Hachi, Camie, and Pappug couldn't help but smile as one by one, the Straw Hats consented to undergo the challenge together.

" _So, you will all participate, then! Very well! Prepare the Ordeal of Hell!_ " Omatsuri commanded.

 **-o-**

" _Wh-WHOA! OK, listeners, I'm wondering just how much of a ripoff this is, because the_ entire freaking landscape _is shifting around into an arena! I can't imagine how much work it was to make the whole island transform on command, but I'll be damned if this loony guy spared any expense!"_

" _Now, I will tell you what the Ordeal entails. The Ordeal is…"_ Omatsuri paused for dramatic effect, which was followed up by the sound of something large and mechanical rising, as well as the unmistakable sound of fireworks, applause, and cheers.

" _That big sign there… 'Kingyo-Sukui'?"_ Cross read.

" _ **That means**_ ' _Goldfish-Catching',_ " Soundbite deadpanned.

" _Excuse me for not being able to read romanized Kanji!"_

"…What," the Mysterious Four chorused.

"What a rip-off; not even _children_ would consider that hell!" Hildon complained as he shuffled around and refilled everyone's wine glasses… or mugs, as Absalom preferred.

"Speak for yourself…" Absalom growled as he flexed his fingers, drawing an affronted sputter from Doctor Hogback.

"For the love of—! For the last time, Absalom, if you want fine motor skills then I need to remove some layers of flesh from your hands! Otherwise there's just no room for the appropriate nerve-endings!"

"And give up my biological cestuses?! Dream on, you damn butcher!"

" _Ya know, nowmally I'd considah this tah be a total shoo-in, buuuut…"_

" _After the Davy Back Fight, you expect fangs in every gift horse we get?"_ Cross deadpanned.

" _Eeeeeyup."_

" _ **UH…GUYS?"**_

" _Aaaaand there's the other shoe. Yes, Soundbite?"_

" **I THINK I KNOW** _ **THE HELL**_ HE'S REFERRING TO."

" _The rules for goldfish catching are simple! The team that catches the largest goldfish in three minutes wins! By the way,"_ he added, clearly smirking. " _This paper dissolves easily in water._ "

"Hmph, so there's a trick after all. Still, I don't see how goldfish catching can be hellish if that's the _only_ trick," Perona remarked.

" _And now, allow me to introduce you to my valued confidant who shall be your opponent! Go forth, Muchigoro!"_

The audience erupted in cheers as the sound of someone apparently doing their best impression of Usopp heading into a fight approached.

" _Yo! I'm Muchigoro!_ " came a voice that once again made the listeners think of Usopp.

"Kishishishishi," Moria chuckled. "Another challenge being hosted by a trickster! I almost feel nostalgic. Always nice to sample the works of a fellow artiste!"

" _What did he say?_ " Zoro muttered.

" _Mudskipper, I think,_ " Usopp replied.

" _He looks more like an eel to me,"_ Nami remarked.

" _Maybe he's a loach."_

" _Flounder, I'm guessing."_

" _No, I bet he's just an idiot."_

" _ **That's also a**_ **POSSIBILITY!"**

" _NO! MY NAME IS MUCHIGORO! Baron Omatsuri's first mate, Muchigoro!_ "

"Huh. I guess that this battle's going to be really fishy."

"Your sense of humor remains as transparent as you are, Absalom! Fosfosfosfosfos!"

 **-o-**

"Hold on, did he just call himself 'first mate'?" a pretty, violet-haired young woman asked sharply.

"He did, didn't he? So, they're some sort of crew… it doesn't necessarily mean pirates, but it's worth considering," responded her husband, a blonde-haired man with blue eyeshadow.

"Hmm… now that you mention it…"

"Papa?"

"I didn't consider it before, but in the context of piracy… that name, 'Omatsuri'… yes, I do believe that it rings a bell. Bring me my black book, let me see if I have their flag," remarked an obese man, lying on a most unconventional couch.

"Yes, Papa," the two replied immediately.

" _Now, which one of you will compete?"_

" _Oh! Here, here, here, here, here! Me, me, me, me, me!_ " Luffy insisted with all the composure of a child in a sweet shop… or meat shop, as the case may be.

" _Hold on, Luffy,_ " came Usopp's voice, uncharacteristically confident. " _Let me handle that Muchigoro or Sushigoro or whatever his name is."_

" _Oh, but weren't you too busy quaking in your boots a second ago?"_ Cross asked snidely.

" _He got a confidence boost after learning that it was goldfish-catching,"_ Sanji explained in a dry tone.

"Brindo, Campacino, what are you betting on for the Ordeal?" asked a young girl with violet hair, the woman's sister.

"HMM! My wager is that they will win… without using nets!"

"And I say they will win… within the final five seconds!"

"You two know those could happen at the same time, right?" Papa huffed with a sigh.

 **-o-**

"Alright! The Straw Hats' _SUPER_ sniper is stepping up!" Franky cheered as he struck a pose atop his couch.

" _You'll regret being my opponent, Muchigoro. You'll be facing the man who was known as the Master of Goldfish-Catching… me!"_

" _Master?"_ Chopper asked, awestruck.

" _Master?"_ Conis asked, curious.

" _Master?"_ Su repeated wearily.

" _Master?"_ Muchigoro asked, horrified.

" _Master!"_ Usopp confirmed proudly.

"Wow, sounds like he really _is_ a master!" Mozu cheered.

" _Really?"_ Chopper asked, awestruck.

" _Really?"_ Conis asked, curious.

" _Really?"_ Su repeated wearily.

" _Really?"_ Muchigoro asked, horrified.

" _Yes, really!"_ Usopp confirmed proudly.

"Is he really…?" Kiwi asked in a much more skeptical tone.

" _Awesome!"_ Chopper praised.

" _That's awesome!"_ Conis said sweetly.

" _You're awesome!"_ Muchigoro said, awestruck.

" _I'm awesome!"_ Usopp declared.

"He's SUPER! Awesome!" Franky declared, posing.

"Go, Usopp!" Zambai cheered.

"Another victory in the making for the Straw Hats!" Tamagon cheered.

"If he's telling the truth," Kiev muttered.

" _Ah—Say, it's not a lie this time, right?"_ Chopper asked, worriedly.

" _What? You're lying?"_ Conis yelped.

" _Of course he's lying,"_ Su deadpanned.

" _Please tell me you're lying!"_ Muchigoro pleaded.

"There's no way someone as SUPER! as him would lie!" Franky emphatically denied.

"… _I lied,"_ Usopp confirmed smugly.

"SAY WHAT!?" Mozu yelped, the majority of the Franky House facefaulting in shock.

"Then again, Cross _did_ say awhile back that he has a tendency for tall tales…" Franky mused.

" _Of course…"_ came the sound of a face-paw.

" _ **I knew it!"**_ a thoroughly manic voice roared.

" _Shit, he tricked me!"_ Muchigoro grumbled to himself.

" _See, I knew he was an idiot,"_ Sanji deadpanned.

" _Which one?"_ Cross asked just as flatly.

"Which one indeed…" Kiwi sighed as she eyed her still-stunned sister.

" _Muchigoro, don't let them build up momentum!"_ the baron's voice barked

" _Ah, sorry, Baron!"_ Muchigoro promptly apologized.

" _Hmph!"_ Omatsuri snorted. " _Now that that foolishness is over and done with, we shall now begin! Ready—"_

" _Go!"_ the Baron was suddenly cut off by a high-pitched and squeaky voice.

Franky blinked at the Transponder Snail in surprise. "Huh? Who the heck was that?"

"… _Soundbite?"_

" _ **Yeah?**_ "

" _Did that flower just talk?"_

"… _**Yeah."**_

"A talking flower," Zambai groaned. "After learning that someone like Big Bro Franky existed, I _really_ didn't think that the Grand Line could possibly get any crazier. Then the SBS shows up and starts talking about a hidden city of octopi and sky islands. But I thought that was as far as the craziness would go, I really, _really_ did. Looks like I was wrong."

"… _Well, great, now I'm getting Undertale flashbacks."_

" **Tell me about it…"** Soundbite muttered before adopting a pensive look that was translated to the Transponder Snail. "DO I LOOK _**that stupid TOO?"**_

" _Oh, of course not. You're much worse."_

 _CHOMP!_

" _YEOWCH!"_

"Did Cross really not expect that to happen?" Kiev deadpanned.

"Honestly?" Mozu chuckled. "Considering how close those two are, I doubt he even cared."

 **-o-**

" _Ergh, slimy little—! Alright, everybody, the contest is underway, and… nobody seems to be doing anything…?"_

" **INCOMING!** "

A sound of a lot of water being displaced came through from the other end of the call, the Transponder Snail's face betraying his shock and terror.

"Oh, my, what's happening now?" Porche asked with wide-eyed shock.

"At a guess, they're playing the game on a scale only Big Pan would normally be viable for," Silver Fox Foxy deadpanned.

"You think so?"

"Fehfehfeh, it's what I'd do in that position!" Foxy cackled as he stroked his tissue-peppered chin.

Porche raised an eyebrow as she looked over her boss's face. "How's that goatee coming?"

"Pupupu!" Hamburg interrupted with his ill-hidden snickering. "He's been having a hard time maneuvering his razor around his chin, pupupu!"

"NO COMMENTARY FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY!" Foxy roared in annoyance.

" _Wh-Wh-What is that?!"_

" _That's my pet goldfish, Sweet Rosario._ "

"HA! Called it!" Foxy crowed smugly, his annoyance forgotten.

"You're brilliant, Boss!"

"Still don't have a goatee though, pupu—!"

"I GET IT, NO NEED TO RUB IT IN, DAMN IT!"

"… _Well, there's the catch, folks; Rosario is about as big as the Going Merry, so—"_

" **So, a** _normal splash from him_ _**MAKES more than a few**_ **RIPPLES!** TO BE EXACT, _**INCOMING**_ _TIDAL WAVE!"_

" _Wha—? SHIT! CARUE, I NEED A LIFT!"_

" _What? What's the wowwy? Goldfish don't live in salt watah,"_ the duck squawked.

" _THAT'S NOT A GOLDFISH, THAT'S A GOLDFISH-SHAPED_ SEAKING! _NOW GIVE ME A DAMN LIFT BEFORE—!"_ SPLOOSH! " _ACKPFT! Agh, now that's just perf—! Nonono, wait, Soundbite, don't—!"_

" **HURK!"**

"… _aaaaand that's gonna stain. Fucking_ perfect."

" _Ha! You see that? Their stomachs and wills are as weak as rice paper! Laugh at them, Muchigoro! They are nothing but feeble cowards!"_ Omatsuri cackled.

" _HAHAHA! Indeed, my Baron! After all, sweet Rosario is a good boy who would never do anything bad!"_ Muchigoro insisted.

"My **slimy** — _ **cough**_ — **ASS** _ **HE WOULDN'T!**_ " Soundbite coughed.

" _And HOW exactly are we supposed to catch THAT?!"_ Vivi demanded.

" _Use the bucket, of course,"_ Omatsuri said smugly.

" _What buck—?"_

There was another loud splash of water.

"… _never mind."_

" _OK, viewers, so it appears that the Baron_ did _give us both buckets big enough for Rosario to fit in, but the question remains: how are we supposed to get that giant helping of sushi to go in the bucket in the first place?_ " Cross wondered.

"Something tells me that their sniper won't be quite so eager anymore…" Porche mused.

" _Nami, I'm passing to you. A-After all, the Eisen Dial should be enough for this, right?"_ Usopp asked timidly.

"Called it."

" _Wait, what? USOPP!… Oh, fine, I'll do it if I have to."_

Something came across the line that could only be described as something metallic coughing, followed by the unmistakable sound of a fist striking a skull.

"OW! _WHAT THE HELL, WITCH!?"_

" _I TOLD YOU HOW TO FIX THE PRESSURE CHAMBER ALREADY, WHAT PART DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!"_

" _THE PART WHERE YOU EXPECT ME TO FIND TIME TO DO IT WHEN I'M JUGGLING THREE OTHER PROJECTS!"_

" _You son of a—! We will have_ words _later, I promise you. For now, though… Zoro, I'm passing to you."_

" _Wha—Me?! Ugh, fine."_ There was the sound of a sword sliding out of its sheath.

" _Hold up, Mosshead! If you tried to go it alone, you'd be swallowed whole!"_

" _Like hell, shit cook! I'll fillet this thing in ten seconds—!"_

" _NO SWORDS IN GOLDFISH CATCHING!"_ Omatsuri yelled.

" _WHAT?"_ Zoro roared back.

" _See? Davy Back Fight all over again, now you're doubly useless!"_

" _JUST SHUT UP AND HIT THE DAMN FISH YOU IDIOTS!"_ Nami roared.

" _Right away, Nami-swan!"/"Don't need to tell me twice, witch."_

There was the sudden meaty THWACK of leather striking flesh, followed by a roar of bestial pain.

" _Alright, so Sanji and Zoro seem to be juggling Rosario in the air right now… and once again Zoro has demonstrated how much damage he can cause with just his freaking_ sheath, _eesh. Ah, and here comes Luffy, trying to use the net that we're supposed to use, which is about as big as Soundbite. He's stretching out… Omatsuri and Muchigoro appear to be reacting to seeing his Devil Fruit powers, so I take it that they really_ don't _listen to the SBS… aaand the net broke. HEY, BARON! How are we supposed to catch_ anything _with this net, let alone that giant goldfish?"_

" _You're not. Muchigoro, show them!"_

" _You have to catch Sweet Rosario with THIS!"_

" _Ugh, should have seen this coming; mudskipper-face just pulled a net over ten times his size from out of…_ somewhere _. Sanji was right, it's the Davy Back Fight all over again, only I'm starting to think that Foxy was_ more _pleasant!"_

"Hey!" Porche yelped in an affronted tone.

"We're not publicly allies, remember?" Foxy informed the 'brains' of his first mates.

"…I knew that."

"Pupupu! She forgot, pupu—!"

"CRAM IT UP YOUR LONG-JOHNS, BUNS-FOR-BRAINS!"

"Not so fun being on the other end, is it, now?"

"Grrgrgrrrgh…"

" _Anyway… HEY, BARON! Why the hell does he get the bigger net while we just get these pathetic things?"_

" _Hmmm?"_ the Baron hummed curiously. " _I don't remember saying you_ had _to use that net; I only said that the paper dissolves easily in water. Well? Do you remember?"_

"Wow. Even _I'm_ not that bad," Foxy remarked in equal parts awe and disgust.

 **-o-**

The two humanoid residents of Little Garden had ensured that the Baroque Works agents left their snail behind when they left, and had not missed a single SBS broadcast despite their fights. One such duel was going on right now, but as was often the case, the content of the broadcast made them both pause to pay more attention.

In this case, their reasons were different; the Red Ogre was shaking his head in disgust while the Blue Ogre had his forehead scrunched up and his eyes squinting as though he were thinking hard about something.

"Disgraceful, simply disgraceful," Broggy huffed grimly, head bowed in dismay. "As if that farce of a Backfight weren't bad enough, now we have fools such as this baron refusing to meet his opponents in honorable combat! It's abominable! It's grievous!" He crashed his fist on the ground with a snarl. "AND WORST OF ALL, IT'S DISAPPOINTING!"

"Mmhmm, yes, you're right…" Dorry muttered noncommittally, arms crossed and a scowl marring his face as he head bowed his head in thought.

" _Alright, you wanna rules-lawyer? Let's rules-lawyer,"_ Cross decided. " _You said no swords? Fine, no swords. Conis, blast that thing."_

" **Roger-roger.** _Huh? That wasn't me…_ "

"… _Soundbite? We need to talk about your situational timing."_

" **Heheheheh!"**

" _One minute left! You have one minute left!"_ came the voice of the Baron's flower. Dorry's scowl deepened at the voice, and he started muttering under his breath

" _ **If I may, Cross, I believe I have an easier solution.**_ "

" _The fish is falling straight towards Muchigoro's net! What the heck do you—OH. OK, hold off on that, Conis… and Muchigoro tosses it straight towards his bucket… aaand thanks to a clever usage of Devil Fruit powers, Rosario bounces straight out of the bucket and is now FALLING DIRECTLY TOWARDS US DAMMIT XXX!"_

" _ **My apologies, Cross, I haven't had much experience with that kind of technique in the past."**_

" _COLD FUCKING COMFORT WHEN WE'RE ABOUT TO BE CRUSHED!"_

" **I GOT IT, I GOT IT!"**

The pitter-patter of feet running came a moment later, followed by a loud _FWUMP!_ And then more incredulous roars from the crowd. And in the middle of it all, Dorry was still grumbling to himself about something he'd forgotten. Broggy eyed him curiously, but ultimately shrugged it off.

" _Whoa-hoh, nice one! And a dramatic move from Chopper has redirected Rosario aaaand_ HE'S IN! _THE AQUATIC BASTARD IS IN OUR BUCKET!"_

" _Five, four, three, two, one! Game over! Game over! The Straw Hats win!"_ the flower cheered, causing Dorry to actively bite his thumb.

" _Damn straight, you Proto-Flowey piss-ant!"_

"HAHA!" Broggy barked joyously. "A most righteous and honorable victory! Nothing but the best from the Straw Hats!" He then tilted his head to the side. "Though I find Cross's choice of insults… somewhat questionable, at best."

" _NICE PLAY,_ _ **Chopper! …**_ **Chopper? HE'S ABOUT** to fall IN THE _**WATER!**_ "

" _I'll get him… aaand there goes Luffy, too. Eesh, sometimes this job… Boys?"_ Boss called out tiredly.

" _On it, Boss!"_ a quartet of voices chorused.

"Ugh, damn it, damn it, damn it…" Dorry grumbled, knocking his fist against his forehead.

"Ergh," Broggy rolled his eyes with a sigh. "What on Elbaf's blessed soil is crawling through your head now, Dorry?"

"That's just the problem!" The Blue Ogre flung his hands up in frustration. "There's something about that flower of the Baron's that is stirring memories in my head, but for the life of me they refuse to take form! It's like trying to catch the fog with your bare hands!" He promptly jabbed a finger at Broggy with a glare. "And don't mention the cotton-candy fog we encountered in the New World, because that doesn't count!"

Broggy coughed into his fist and looked away sheepishly. "Wouldn't ever dream of it…" He then gave Dorry a concerned look. "Still, any way that I can help?"

"That'd require me having somewhere to _start_ in the first place!" Dorry shook his head morosely. He then clenched his eyes shut as he started pounding his fists against his temples. "Come on already, get out, get _out—!"_

It would be the last time he made the mistake of letting his guard down like that, as Broggy took the opportunity to sucker-punch him. With a boulder.

"AGH!" the Blue Ogre grunted in pain, rubbing the area of impact. Then his eyes snapped open and he punched the air with a joyous cackle.

"NOW I REMEMBER! A small, smiling, talking flower perched on someone's shoulder and surrounded by a mass of people with plant sprouts on their heads! It's straight from the the tale of Ivad's Trials against Tailog the Treasonous!"

"Congratulations, comrade!" Broggy crowed as he clapped his hand on his old friend's shoulder… and promptly shared a look of horror with him.

" _THE STRAW HATS ARE_ WHERE?!"

Any onlookers to Little Garden would see a large flock of pterodactyls flying out of the trees in response to the two giants' bellowing.

 **-o-**

The next few minutes were purely the Straw Hats celebrating and chastising the Hammers on their crew, with the Baron and his first mate—and pretty much the entire native audience as well—brooding in the background. It all came to an abrupt end when the Baron spoke up again.

" _WAIT! This contest is not yet finished! You must now undertake the next ordeal! How dare you make my Muchigoro cry!"_

" _Hey, come on, Baron. He lost fair and square."_

" _Yes, there's no need to be so—"_

" _SILENCE! The matter is settled! You will do as I say!"_

"Am I the only one who's absolutely _relishing_ the irony of the Straw Hats meeting two groups of pirates who play rigged games in a row after what they did here?" Drake asked with a grim smile.

"No, Drake, you most certainly are not," Jonathan muttered in reply, not taking his eyes off the snail. "Though the Straw Hats are certainly putting up as much of a fight as we could expect, I can't deny that I'm hoping to see some proof against Cross' claim."

In truth, he had been considering Cross' offer alongside Jessica over the last few weeks, but Straw Hat's display against the Foxy Pirates, his unconquerable will, had significantly weighted his opinion; if Straw Hat had that kind of will and Cross, for all his rabble-rousing, had him as a superior and took pride in bowing to him, it may well be that they would reach their goal, and that would leave no doubt that choosing their side would be the safer choice in order to survive the inevitable tidal wave that would accompany the feat.

He nodded to himself; he had considered it long enough. If Straw Hat showed another example of will like he had during the Davy Back Fight, he would accept Cross' bargain. But it was yet to be seen if this strange Baron would actually be capable of driving him to it.

" _OK, am I the only one who thinks this guy's taking the whole 'sore loser' thing a little too far?"_ Su muttered acridly. " _Seriously, he's whining more than Conis when—MMPH!"_

" _Stop. Using. My childhood._ As material!" Conis demanded furiously.

" _MMPH, PTOOIE! What do you mean 'your childhood'!? I grew up with you!"_

" _Then use some of your own stories!"_

" _Ironically enough, I'm nowhere near as interesting as you."_

[I didn't have long to get to know Su, but for any fox, this seems to be par for the course,] Isaiah squawked in a deep and cool tone.

[WHAT HE SAID!] Terry contributed, earning a quelling look from Jonathan; the Vice Admiral may not have been able to understand him except through the very silent written word, but that didn't make his POWERFUL! voice any quieter.

" _Another ordeal? Sounds like fun!"_ Luffy said.

"It appears that Luffy shares Cross' definition of that particular word," Jonathan remarked. "It's going to get them into trouble someday."

" _Oh,_ **joy, LUFFY'S** _ **ON BOARD already,**_ " Soundbite drawled, before the snail snapped to attention, glancing in another direction.

" _What's wrong, Soundbite?_ " Cross asked.

" **We're being watched**."

"Maybe 'today' rather than 'someday', sir," Drake added.

 **-o-**

" _Who is it?"_

"Older man… **sounds… hopeful?** _THAT'S ALL I GOT."_

" _Hopeful? What's he saying?"_

" _Nothing, but I've_ HEARD THIS **breath and** _ **HEARTBEAT**_ **pattern from** _ **Vivi**_ _AND_ _ **Conis in the past**_ _. HE'S TRAPPED_ **and HE'S JUST SEEN** _ **a ray of light.**_ "

The Transponder Snail's expression became pointedly blank. "… _Yeah, that would be just typical, wouldn't it?"_

The fighter's quarters under Dressrosa's famed Corrida Colosseum were alive with activity as the gladiators, crowded around the old and rather wheezy Transponder Snail someone had dug out of storage, exchanged bets and what little money they had with Rebecca. After all, not only did she not gamble—and certainly not for lack of trying on her comrades' parts—she was one of the only ones who could handle the numbers and even estimate the odds.

"฿100 says that Straw Hat clears the next Ordeal!"

"฿200 on someone else clearing it instead!"

"฿500 on Nami snapping and burning the whole island down! I'm feeling lucky."

"Oh, going for the long shot," Rebecca remarked, taking the money and marking down all the bets.

" _Hmm… alright, we'll see if anything comes of that. For now… this is just between us, right?"_

"YEAH?"

" _Good, let's keep it that way, I don't want to set Nami off without reason."_

Rebecca smiled apologetically as a chorus of groans, laughs and jeers rang out through the cages, one of the gladiators snapping out the whip he was carrying.

" _Anyways, viewers, it would seem that Nami is exercising her authority as second mate. Back to the Merry we go, apparently… uh, Boss, are you coming?"_

" _Eh… go on ahead, Cross,"_ Boss called back. " _I saw something in the water that I want to check on with the boys. We'll catch up with you when we get through here, shouldn't take too long, a few minutes at most."_

" _You heard him, Cross, let's get out of here!"_ Nami snapped.

" _Alright, alright… uh, Zoro, any chance of vetoing her?"_ Cross asked.

" _If that's any example of the so-called 'Ordeals of Hell,' then no, I'd rather get back to the ship,"_ Zoro replied dryly.

"฿1000 says that they don't leave yet!"

Rebecca snapped her hand away from the crumpled bill with a smile. "I'm sorry, this bank does not accept sucker's bets."

Her smile widened as she enjoyed the bout of laughter the comment elicited. Every ray of light was needed in this dreary pit, and she was truly grateful towards the Straw Hats for bringing any measure of merriment to the cages of Corrida Colosseum, however brief they might have been.

With any luck, they would continue to do so for a long time to come.

 **-o-**

" _Well, loyal viewers, it seems that we're right back to stumbling through the woods, and for what must be the first time ever, Nami's navigational skills aren't serving us very well."_

"What!? Big Sis Nami getting lost in any way, shape or form? Something's gotta be seriously wrong, because I'd sooner believe that Sea Kings can fly!" Johnny breathed incredulously.

"Personally, I'm more worried about how Big Sis is gonna react to a statement like that!" Yosaku joked.

THWACK!

" _OUCH!"_

" _I don't see you doing any better, jackass!"_

"Called it!"

" _And besides, you have no right to be snide! Shouldn't Soundbite be able to point us in the right direction?"_

"… _Huh. Now that you mention it…"_

" _I… THINK_ the sea _**is**_ **that way? DON'T QUOTE ME, THOUGH.** "

"Well, that's a lot less confident than usual," Yosaku noted.

"Yeah, usually that snail'd be practically boasting his prowess to the heavens," Johnny frowned as he nodded in agreement. "Now he just sounds confused? What's up with that?"

"Something he ate, maybe?"

"Eh, maybe…" Johnny shrugged, though he was clearly unconvinced.

" _ARGH!"_ Nami's outraged scream indicated that she hadn't noticed anything off-color about her comrade. " _This map is useless! I swear, it seems like the island is changing on us!"_

" _W-Wait a minute… do you think that maybe it actually_ is? _I mean, after the way that arena showed up…"_ Vivi trailed off.

"… _ **Yeeeaaaah,**_ THAT'D EXPLAIN _A LOT."_

"…You don't _really_ think that islands can change on the fly, do you?" Johnny asked his partner uneasily.

A pregnant pause, followed by Nami's screech of vicious rage.

"Looks like Big Sis Nami sure thinks they can," Yosaku divined, a large drop of sweat running down the back of his head.

"BARON! _IF YOU'RE WATCHING US, GET THE HELL OUT HERE!"_

" _I'm right over here,"_ came a distant voice. There was a sound of many footfalls and shifting vegetation, and then—

" _I've been expecting you!_ " came the Baron's jovial voice.

" _STOP SCREWING WITH US AND LET US LEAVE!"_

" _Why? You've only just come here, and the Ordeals have just begun! All you need to do is pass them, and you'll have all of the rest that you need. In fact, only four of you need to participate in this Ordeal; the rest of you are free to enjoy the island's hospitalities."_

The sound of grumbling filtered through the speaker. " _And how many more ordeals are there after this?"_

" _You will be finished by the end of the day,"_ Omatsuri said smoothly.

"… _Fine, we'll play your game."_

" _WOO-HOO!"_ Luffy cheered.

"Looks like Big Bro Luffy gets his way after all," Johnny chuckled.

"Yep! And all 'cause he got lost again," Yosaku nodded sagely before clapping his hands together. "Well, anyway, as fun as listening to Big Bro Zoro's adventures is, we really should get moving. Come on, this way!" He started walking down a fork in the road.

"Wha—HEY, WAIT A SECOND!" Johnny leapt off the rock he was sitting on as he stared after his friend. "Where the hell do you think you're going, Yosaku!?"

"Uh, to the next town?" Yosaku intoned slowly, staring at his partner as though he were an idiot. "It's this way, c'mon!"

"The hell it is! The next town is _this_ way!" Johnny snapped, jabbing his finger down a different fork in the road.

"Are you out of your mind!? That's not even close to the right way! It's this way!"

"No, it's this way!"

"No, it's _this_ way!"

 **-o-**

" _The Ordeal of Hell, Part 2,_ " Omatsuri sneered. " _Ladies and gentlemen, the next ordeal will be…"_

" _Will be?"_ the Straw Hats asked.

The sound of fabric moving, like curtains being pulled back, came across the speakers.

"… _What does that say? 'Quoits'?"_

" _ **That's French. It means 'ring toss',"**_ came the mystery crewmate's voice.

" _Ring toss?_ " chorused many Straw Hats.

" _I know French and_ I _didn't know that,"_ Cross deadpanned.

"The brat knows French? Wouldn't have expected that! Nope! Not a bit!" Miss Merry Christmas snorted, sweeping the decks of the Spiders Café. "Wouldn't have expected Goldenweek, 5, and Valentine to leave us, either! I wanted to spend my golden years in quiet retirement, not keeping this rundown place spic and spotless!"

"If I've said it once, Miss Merry Christmas, I've said it a hundred times: you can leave if you want to, I'll just hire more capable employees," Paula, the former Miss Doublefinger, said dismissively as she wiped down the mug she was holding. "But I wonder how much more opportunity you'd have to show off that dress to everyone if you do."

The mole-woman spun around to glower at Paula, her white princess dress spinning along with her. She glanced down at the hem with a shaky scowl before sighing angrily and getting back to sweeping. "Damn you."

"And _that's_ why I was Mr. 1's partner, and not _you,"_ Paula grinned cheekily.

Meanwhile, Baron Omatsuri started to explain the rules of the game. " _Each team has two boats with two people aboard each boat. The first team to ensnare all of their opponents in rings wins!"_

" _Ah, something that actually sounds like a challenging game. Maybe we won't—_ "

" _SHUT UP,_ _ **Cross,**_ " Soundbite advised.

" _Thank you, Soundbite."_

" _HEY!… Alright, fair enough."_

" _Still, it doesn't sound like anything more combative than the last one. Count me out, I'm gonna go take a nap,"_ groused Lassoo's voice.

"Ohhhhhhh—"

" _Now, let me introduce my confidants, the Four Wise Men! The leader, Kerojii!"_

"—heeeeeeeeeey—" Mr. 4 continued, amidst the applause from the Baron's audience.

" _The main striker, Keroshot!"_

"—iiiiiiiiiiiit's—"

" _The repairman extraordinaire, Kerodeek!"_

"—Laaaaaaaaaaaassoooooooooooo."

" _And the youngest and only female, Keroko!"_

"Why can't you try being a little faster, you moron? You showed that you could be as fast as you wanted back in those dungeons," Christmas grumbled as the applause finished.

"Iiiiiiiit maaaaaaaaakes myyyyyyyyyy heeeeeaaaaaaaad huuuuuuuurt…" 4 shrugged indifferently.

" _Well, while one shouldn't judge capabilities based on appearances, I have to wonder how capable these guys are; not only are they no bigger than my head—"_

" _PHRASING!_ " Soundbite chortled.

"… _No bigger than a_ normal person's _head,"_ Cross growled, eliciting snickers from the ex-Baroque Works agents. " _They all appear to be elderly. On the other hand, when has something as trivial as age slowed down anyone's capabilities? I remember meeting a nice young lady on our journey who was 139, and she was scarily proficient in fighting."_ He paused. " _You know what, strike that. She was just flat-out_ SCARY, _period. And I'm very, very glad that she's several hundred miles away right now…"_

He trailed off, and a few seconds later the snail frowned. " _That's weird, I was expecting her to call to chew me out. Lord knows it's happened before…"_

"Heh, too bad, I would have paid big money to see the brat get taken down a peg or two!" Merry Christmas chortled.

 **-o-**

Meanwhile, in the castle that was once the seat of the now-defunct Drum Kingdom, President Dalton of the Cherry Blossom Kingdom took a second to gather his courage before poking his head into the good (HA!) doctor's office. "Doctor Kureha—?"

 _TH-TH-THUNK!_

"BEAT IT, BRAT, I'M BUSY!" Kureha snarled viciously.

Dalton took a second to count his lucky stars that she'd decided to aim her scalpels a little to the left before entering. "I was just listening to the SBS on my Baby Snail and was wondering why you didn't call in? It just seemed like the kind of thing you'd respond to, is all—?"

"WHAT THE HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M TRYING TO DO, YOU OX-BRAINED BUFFOON!?" the elderly doctor roared, marching up to him and holding her _very_ panicked Transponder Snail up to the president's face by its eyestalks. "THE DAMN CALL ISN'T GOING THROUGH!"

Dalton blinked in confusion. "W-Wait, what?"

Doctor Kureha roared in frustration as she spun around and flung the snail at her desk, where it thankfully landed upright, albeit with its eyes spinning. "Of course I tried to call that cocky brat! I wanted to give him a piece of my damn mind and make him sweat!" She stalked up to the still-dizzied Transponder Snail and snatched up its mic before jabbing in a number. "But all I'm getting is THIS!"

The second she finished entering the number, the snail's eyestalks snapped to attention and it grit its teeth as it let out a staticky-ticking noise.

Dalton stared at the snail in confusion, too busy trying to wrap his head around what he was hearing to pay more than passing attention to the trash talk that the 'Four Wise Men' were inflicting on the Straw Hats. "What—? Can it not connect for some reason? I've never heard of this happening before."

"And neither have I!" Kureha flung her hands up in frustration, marching back and forth like a caged tiger. "I can't understand it! We're receiving his signal crystal clear, but _something_ is blocking us from contacting _him!_ If he had found a way to make it so I _couldn't_ call in, he wouldn't have acted confused, he would have sang it to the angels and demons and gloated over it for all the world to hear! And besides, he'd never block me from calling, not when—ugh…anyway—"

"You're just worried about Chopper, aren't you?"

Kureha hesitated for a second— _a scant second—_ before scoffing and waving him off. "Psh, as if! They can cook him up in sherry and serve him with an apple in his mouth for all I care! No, I'm agitated because I don't know why the call is getting through, _and I don't like not knowing things!_ Ooooh, but I'm going to find out, alright, I'm going to find out!"

The Transponder Snail cut the failed call with a sigh of relief only to shriek silently in terror and leave a not-inconsiderable _stain_ on Kureha's desk when she slammed her hands around it and loomed menacingly over the poor gastropod.

" _One way or another!"_

 **-o-**

" _Alright, everyone, for your entertainment, I'll be spectating the ordeal and reporting what happens,"_ Cross announced following the end of a brief pause in the transmission. " _While most of the crew is going out and about in order to actually enjoy everything the resort has to offer, it looks like the teams of Usopp and Nami, and Zoro and Sanji will be taking on Omatsuri's Four Wise Men."_

Iceburg cocked an eyebrow with an uncertain look. "Is… that really the best of moves?"

"Eh." Paulie waved his hand dismissively as he accepted a tray of drinks from Blueno and started passing them out to his colleagues. "Who knows, there's probably some story or other behind it. You know how the Straw Hats are: insane to a fault."

" _If anyone else is wondering why they think this arrangement is a good idea, you're not alone,"_ Cross deadpanned. " _Believe me, I_ tried _to build a better team, but we're still having a hard time pinning down where the Dugongs are, the Wise Men managed to provoke Nami into volunteering, Sanji insisted after that and it was all downhill from there."_

"Called it."

"Still though, you'd think they'd take things more seriously, given that they're dealing with an 'Ordeal of Hell'," Peeply Lulu mused as he stroked the extra spike of hair coming out of the side of his mustache.

"CONSIDERING HOW THE STRAW HATS WON THE FIRST ONE, I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT THERE!" Tilestone roared.

" _I mean, sure, it's not all bad, we've got two of our heavy-hitters on the field and they're unstoppable when they work together, but there needs to be something serious on the line for them to be_ able _to work together. Sanji doesn't care much save for helping Nami and Zoro doesn't give a damn either way… Seriously,_ how _did this happen?!"_

" _An enigma most worthy,_ CROSS, _**but**_ **I've got a** _better question:_ _ **WHERE THE**_ **HELL** DID THIS _CITY_ _**COME FROM?!**_ "

"Oh? A city?" Blueno wondered.

" _Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard the snail right: A city, sprung from absolutely nowhere as if risen from the ground itself. I can only imagine that Baron Omatsuri has turned this_ entire island _into a machine under his control, because I can't fathom any other way that Nami could get lost on the way out of the jungle_ or _how the hell he could have a racecourse inspired by the island metropolis known as Water 7."_ He paused. " _On that note, while I have it in mind, a big salute to the Galley-La Company, home to the finest shipwrights in the world!"_

"Well, that's nice of him," Kaku remarked. "It's an accepted fact, true, but it's not often you hear so openly."

"Indeed," Iceburg agreed, frowning thoughtfully. "But what sort of expertise must this Omatsuri have to perform that kind of conversion? And for what purpose?"

"Perhaps he makes a mint off of swindling pirate crews in a manner similar to that Foxy fellow the Straw Hats recently ran into," Lulu proposed as he absentmindedly pushed the spike in the hair over his lip into submission… causing it to protrude from his eyebrows.

" _Still, as fantastic as this undertaking must have been, I have to say, it's kind of unbelievable_ how _he did it! I mean, eesh, this place is_ packed! _There's gotta be hundreds of people here!"_

" **Actually, CROSS, that's** _ **something ELSE**_ _weird that I've_ **NOTICED. BESIDES** _that one_ **guy** _ **from**_ _EARLIER,_ THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE _**anyone else besides the staff**_ _AT THIS so-called—"_

" _Hey, whatcha up to 'pu?"_

" _GAH! Who the—?"_ Cross yelped in shock before blinking in surprise. " _Wow, I'm surprised. I've just met a real life kappa."_

" _Gappa! My name is DJ_ Gappa ' _pu! Sheesh, every single time 'pu…"_

" _Uh, sorry, the shell and… plate that you're wearing… kind of threw me off. I take it that you're one of Baron Omatsuri's comrades, then?"_

" _Yes. I'm the Chief Gunner and Sniper 'pu. But I also join Muchigoro in being the MC of parties 'pu. Anyway, what are you doing talking to yourself?"_

"Huh, so another front-man like Cross, then?" Kaku questioned. "I guess they're going to have a lot to talk about."

With the rest of the Galley-La Corporation paying their full attention to the snail, only Rob Lucci noticed Kalifa quietly slipping out of the room. Noticing his stare, she mouthed 'making calls' before closing the door behind her.

 **-o-**

"Mama, what's a kappa?"

"Ah… I'll tell you later, Rika," the girl's mother surreptitiously coughed into her fist in order to hide her smile. "For now, just know that I think that Cross made a somewhat unkind joke based off of that young man's choice of attire."

" _Why am I… ah. Going by how you all have been acting thus far, I take it that you don't have any Transponder Snails on this island?"_ Cross asked.

" _Nope. There aren't many animals on the island to begin with 'pu."_

" **Yeah, I actually noticed** _ **that. NOT EVEN ANY BUGS.**_ _WHAT'S UP WITH THA—?"_

" _So, are you crazy or somethin' 'pu?"_ Gappa interrupted without missing a beat.

" _WHAT!?"_ Cross squawked in shock.

" _Are you nutso and talkin' to the voices in your head 'pu? Cause if you are, that's cool, 'cause sometimes the Wise Men—!"_

" _I am NOT nuts!… Or at least, not that kind of nuts,"_ Cross revised. " _I'm doing a radio show; I'm using this transceiver here to broadcast what I'm saying to every other Transponder Snail in the world. The current view count is…"_ A few metallic clicks came over the connection, and then the snail grinned. " _Our highest yet, coming just shy of ten million snails! Hot damn, this has gotta be our most popular show yet! Screw cutting this off anytime soon, we're going on a day-long marathon!"_

"My, my, it looks like I may be keeping the doors open late tonight," Ririka chuckled.

"And I get to stay up late, too?" Rika asked hopefully.

"Yes, but you'll still need to do your homework while listening."

"Awwww!"

"What do you have to complain about, Rika?" one of the Marines in the bar scoffed incredulously. "All you have to do is some math problems, we Marines are the ones suffering here!"

"Captain Ripper gives us all double-duty for listening to the _normal_ broadcast. I can only imagine what he'll do now that it's going to be going on for hours…" another soldier lamented.

Gappa, meanwhile, was far more energetic. " _Wow, seriously!? You mean that the whole world can hear what we're saying right now 'pu!?"_

" _Absolutely! Here, got anything you wanna say?"_

" _Hm… I dunno 'pu, it's hard to—!"_ Gappa's voice suddenly cut off, and his transmitted expression became curiously neutral.

"Hm?" Ririka blinked in surprise before waving her hand in front of the snail's face. "Do you think it's broken or—?"

" **Actually!"**

"EEP!" the bartender jerked back in shock. Without any warning whatsoever, the snail had adopted a very… _twisted_ demeanor. The smile it was sporting was just a little too wide, its eyes were a little too bright, and the way it was giggling slightly was just—! In essence, it looked like the speaker was the resident of an insane asylum… or worse, an insane asylum resident's idea of what a normal smile was like.

" **I know what I wanna say!"** the snail chirped in a voice that sounded right and yet managed to set off _all_ the alarm bells in the heads of the viewers. Perhaps it was that faint hint of artificiality audible even through the snail's speakers. " **To the people of the world! I'd like to invite as many of you as possible to come down to our island! Once you get here, you may enjoy yourselves to your heart's content! Then, when we're done having fun, you can all take part in a big, delicious** _ **feast.**_ " The smile widened significantly, to the point where it just didn't seem humanly _possible._ " **Doesn't that sound like** _ **fun?"**_

And then, without any warning, the snail returned to the same dopey expression it'd used before. " _How was that 'pu?"_

" _Impressive!"_ Cross complimented with a grin. " _I bet you'll be seeing plenty more visitors real soon!"_

The patrons of the bar gaped at the snail in utter horror.

"What the hell was _that?"_ one of the Marines sputtered numbly.

Ririka swallowed heavily before casting a glance at her daughter. "R-Rika—"

"Uh… I-I think I'm gonna finish my homework in my room…" was all the sheet-white and trembling girl was able to get out before grabbing her books and running up the stairs as fast as she could.

" **Hey, hold on a sec,"** Soundbite piped up curiously. " _ **Did your voice just CHANGE OR—?"**_

" _Hey, what the hell!?"_ Cross suddenly demanded. " _Our viewership just nosedived by several hundred thousand! Come on, I unwittingly broadcast my own torture and get more viewers than ever before, but one little advertisement and people go running for the hills!"_

"Gee, I wonder why," one of the bar patrons muttered under his breath as he started chugging his mug, an action that was repeated throughout the bar.

 **-o-**

"What the hell is wrong with that daft bastard!?" Helmeppo demanded as he sifted through the filing cabinet he'd been assigned. "I know he's clinically insane, that's a given considering his hobby, but why the hell wasn't he affected by that horrorshow we just saw?!"

"I'm with you there, Helmeppo…" Coby nodded absently as he searched through his own cabinet. "I know that I'd be freaking out if someone acted that way in front of me."

"The most likely reason he isn't reacting is that he doesn't even realize that what just happened was supposed to be reacted to to begin with…"

The rookie Marines exchanged confused glances before looking over at the desk where their commanding officer was poring over paper after paper. "Sir?" they chorused in confusion.

Garp snorted darkly as he rubbed his chin in thought. "Transponder Snails only show the face of the speaker. And going by how that kid reacted… I think that chances are what Cross saw and what the world saw are entirely different."

Coby swallowed heavily as sweat started to build on his brow. "W-What are you trying to say, sir?"

Garp slammed the papers he was holding onto the table with a growl and pinned his student with a glare. "I'm saying that you need to find those damn reports on the double! NOW, DAMN IT!"

"YES, SIR!" Coby and Helmeppo saluted fearfully, redoubling their speed in combing through the archives.

" _Still, though, if that many people stayed on, you must have an impressive reputation 'pu."_ Gappa spoke up, his voice filled with awe.

" _I'd like to imagine so, yes,"_ Cross nodded with a smile. " _It's hard to really say, seeing as we only get callers once in awhile and we haven't yet reached a big city that's heard of us, but with any luck we'll get a good reaction once we get there. For now though, the numbers speak for themselves. And a good thing too, considering the topics I speak about."_

"Only because Sengoku hasn't ordered someone who's guaranteed not to fail to pursue the Straw Hats yet," growled a furious voice. Coby and Helmeppo froze and Garp spared the newcomer in the archives a glance.

"What are you doing here, mutt?" Garp asked nonchalantly.

"The tower wasn't shaking from your usual laughter during the pirate's show, and Sengoku said you were here when I came to see if he'd actually managed to silence you this time," Akainu replied emotionlessly.

" _What do you mean 'pu?"_

" _Well, I put out a lot of material that could be called controversial, but really, it's just me exposing secrets that corrupt people would rather I not say. I'm spreading the truth, and showing a lot of the world what goes on that they don't see,"_ Cross explained. " _It's my hope that I'm managing to make a positive difference in the world, you know?"_

" _Wow 'pu. You must be really, really important 'pu!"_

" _Eh? Well, sure, I mean I hope so but—!"_

" _No, really 'pu!"_ Gappa repeated firmly. " _After all, you stand up to the World Government every day, not caring about your life in the least, all for the sake of others 'pu? That's awesome! It's like you're… you're a superhero 'pu!"_

The admiral grimaced as the guest on the other end continued heaping on praise. "I'm curious against my will as to why you're spending your time digging through old records."

Garp cleared away the papers from his desk with an angry wave of his hand and stood up. "Because that Baron Omatsuri's name and voice both sound vaguely familiar to me."

Akainu stared flatly at his lower-ranked superior. "Is this another one of your jokes?"

"USE YOUR HEAD, MUTT!" Garp roared as he slammed his fist onto the desk, causing Coby and Helmeppo to fumble the papers they held. "HIS VOICE IS _VAGUELY_ FAMILIAR TO _ME!_ WHICH MEANS THAT I RECOGNIZE IT FROM MY GLORY DAYS! _MY_ GLORY DAYS! DO YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING HERE, DO YOU _COMPREHEND_ THE SCALE!?"

Coby and Helmeppo would never forget that moment, as it was the first time that they ever saw the fearsome Admiral Akainu come to a realization of something panic-worthy.

"…I'll lend you a hand, then," the admiral said quietly.

Garp snorted darkly before returning to his papers. "Glad to hear it. Now grab a cabinet and find anything you can on that bastard Omatsuri, double-time."

Coby and Helmeppo shivered as they watched one of the three greatest soldiers in the world acquiesce without a word of protest before returning to their own tasks.

" _You really_ are _great 'pu! What was your name, again?"_

" _Jeremiah Cross, and this is Soundbite."_

" _Good to meet you both 'pu. Here, follow me, I'll show you to the best place to watch all the action 'pu!"_

" _Hey, thanks, Gappa!"_

" _Not a problem, Cross. But, well, one thing 'pu? Earlier when you were talking about your show, you acted like it was no big deal 'pu."_

" _Well… come on, let's be honest here: it's only one show. I'm doing my best and I have some expectations, but I try and keep them sane. That way, I can be pleasantly surprised, you know?"_

" _ **Sure as hell doesn't**_ **MEAN HE'S** MODEST, THOUGH!"

" _Quiet, you."_

" _Well, either way, you're doing a great thing 'pu! And that means you should take more pride in what you're doing 'pu. Being pleasantly surprised is one thing, but you shouldn't set your opinion of yourself lower than it should be 'pu. Maybe try boasting or something, just so long as you show some pride 'pu! It's not healthy not to acknowledge your talents 'pu!"_

"… _Alright, I'll consider it,"_ Cross conceded.

"Still, in the end it doesn't really matter," Akainu muttered, more to himself than anyone. "Because if you really are right, then Jeremiah Cross might be out of our hair sooner than I ever could have hoped."

 **-o-**

[… _pwah…_ ] Cowboy sighed as he finished draining the bottle he'd yanked out of his saddlebag. [So. All in favor of forgetting about that scary-beyond-all-reason non sequitur for the sake of our sanities and paying attention to the race?]

[Aye!] agreed the five ducks and camel alongside him.

[Good. Now cram it and listen.]

" _OK, everyone, the race is underway! From this perspective, I can see a lot more of the racecourse! Our group seems to be ahead of the Four Wise Men… no, wait, in both cases, the other boats are pulling ahead now! Customized boats for Omatsuri's crew, naturally…"_

" _Not really 'pu. True, they're designed so the geezers can drive them 'pu. But the boats have equal seafaring skills; the drivers control the navigation, and the currents will do the rest 'pu."_

[Are there really currents that strong in the world?] Eyelashes asked in surprise.

[A few, yes,] Hikoichi nodded sagely. [The first example I can think of is Reverse Mountain, probably the strongest currents in the world. But it's no surprise that more exist along the sanctuary of insanity called the Grand Line.]

" _Huh? Oh, now that you mention it, they do seem to be neck-and-neck now—wait a second, what's that? Keroko is using a grill they have onboard the boat to create a smokescreen? …Actually, that's kind of clever, I'll have to remember that one. Alright, they're clear of the smokescreen, and now—whoa, that's not good, Keroko's throwing burning charcoal at them!"_

[It's as I always say!] Bourbon Jr. snickered as he toasted his bottle of BBQ sauce to the rest of the group. [Never underestimate the power of barbeque!] And with that, he threw his beak back and started chugging the bottle.

Kentauros eyed his comrade warily. [I will never know how the _hell_ he manages to drink that shit straight.]

[I don't even _want_ to know…] Ivan X rumbled with a grimace.

" _ **That's NOTHING!**_ Look at _KEROSHOT!"_

" _What, what's he—MISSILE LAUNCHERS? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? HOW IS THAT FAIR?!"_

[Am I the only one flashing back to that time Captain tried that special saddle that Cobra brought back from the last Reverie?]

[Why he thought anything that Vegapunk made would have been normal is beyond me…]

" _Besides the rules that detail the winner, anything goes in the Ordeal of Hell 'pu. You figured that out yourself in the last Ordeal 'pu."_

" _Still, isn't this weighted a little too much in Omatsuri's favor?"_

" _Your swordsman and chef are strong. And there are emergency kits in the other boat to help the other two 'pu."_

" _They may be strong, yeah, but—NOW IT'S A MACHINE GUN?!"_

" _Yeah, those geezers are resourceful 'pu."_

[There's resourceful and then there's flat-out insane,] Cowboy declared with a sweatdrop.

" _AND_ Zoro and Sanji **are getting along** _ **as well as they NORMALLY DO.**_ **NOT GOOD!"** Soundbite remarked.

" _Alright, how about we turn our attention to the other boat…"_ Cross trailed off before heaving a weary sigh. "… _which is currently on fire."_

" _And not in a good way 'pu."_

" _And not in—DAMN IT!"/_ " **And not** in—DAMN IT!"

[Wow, that little sucker actually managed to beat them to the punch. Impressive!] Bourbon Jr. whistled.

" _You two really are good at this 'pu. I've just been doing it for longer 'pu."_

" _Wait, what?! How old are—?!"_

" _Oh, it looks like they found the rescue kits 'pu."_

[Oh, that's good! Maybe now things'll be more even!] Stomp squawked eagerly.

" _That's great!…or_ not."

[…I didn't say nuthin'...] the rookie duck groaned, shrinking under the acrid glares his superiors pinned him with.

" _Tsk, Nami's got freaking coffee mugs for all the good it's doing her, while Usopp—_ WHAT THE—!?"

" _ **Up, up, AND AWAY!**_ "

" _Not the time, Soundbite! And you!"_

" _Who, me 'pu?"_

" _Yes, 'you-poo'!"_

" _DON'T MOCK ME!"_

The ducks and camel recoiled as the dopey teen on the other end suddenly exploded in anger.

[That was freaky…] Stomp whimpered.

[Shaddup—!] Kentauros started to yell.

[He has a point, you know,] Cowboy cut in coolly, though it didn't hide the slight quiver in his voice.

[Ah…] The helmeted duck flinched and coughed into his wing. [Ahem. Sorry, force of habit.]

 **-o-**

"Come on, come on, come oooon…" Apoo hissed as he dug around in the mechanism installed in the shell of one of his snails. "Aaaaalmoooost—!"

" _I'LL DAMN WELL MOCK YOU IF I WANT, YOU'RE STACKING THE DECK WORSE THAN MOST CASINOS!"_

"GAH!" Apoo yelped, reflexively jerking his hyper-dexterous arm at the outburst, causing over half a dozen wires to cross in the shell, which caused a cascade of short circuits, which in turn caused the snail to vomit up a cloud of acrid smoke with a pained wheeze before collapsing in on itself, X-d out eyes hanging limply from their stalks.

"Nonono— _DAMN IT!"_ the long-armed pirate snarled as he slammed his fist on the desk. "That was my last Galaga-Sinbad-7-Blade model transponder! The strongest model on the whole freaking _market!"_ He snapped his head around to glare at the rest of the snails on the shelves of his cabin. "What about the rest of you? _Any_ luck getting through?"

The dozen-plus snails arrayed on the walls exchanged glances before shaking their heads in unison.

"Damn it…" Apoo ground the heel of his palm into his forehead with a frustrated growl. "What the _hell_ is going on…" Left with no other option, he settled in and resigned himself to listening to his new friend's broadcast, unable to ignore the sense of dread steadily mounting in his gut.

" _THAT'S—! Grgh…"_ Gappa grit out, obviously fighting to wrestle his temper into submission. " _That's why the invitation says 'pirates among pirates among pirates among pirates' 'pu! Don't you justify any cheating you do by reminding people what you are 'pu!?"_

" _I… wish… I had a valid comeback to that…"_ Cross finally admitted.

Apoo frowned. "Wait a minute, I know he was just introduced to the SBS. How does he know that line?"

Apparently Soundbite was mirroring his thought process. "HEY, WAIT, how did _**you—?"**_

" _Oh, hey, looks like your navigator's noticed that your sniper's missing 'pu!"_

Apoo's frown deepened into a suspicious scowl. "Changing the subject again…"

Unfortunately, this time around, Soundbite wasn't quite as savvy as the pirate. " **EH—?** OHOHOHOH, _SHE'S—!"_ The snail's chortling suddenly choked off. "… Actually, she **looks kind of HURT…** "

" _Aaand there goes the boat. Nami's ringed up and out of the game. Christ on a pikestaff, we're gonna need to act fast to keep her from biting Usopp's head off once he lands…"_

" _Well, don't do it right away 'pu! I bet it'll be hilarious 'pu!"_

" _Yeah, maybe so, but—!"_

" _But what 'pu?"_

" _But… uh… hm… well…"_ Cross's protests gradually trailed off into confused muttering. " _I-I suppose… A little bit of reaming couldn't hurt…"_

Apoo immediately sat up, staring at the snail in shock. "The hell—!?"

" _Huh?_ _ **Cross, you sure?**_ **I MEAN, I like** LONG-NOSE'S PAIN _AS MUCH AS_ _THE NEXT_ **JACKASS** _,_ _ **BUT—!"**_

" _Hey, looks like something's wrong with your cook and swordsman 'pu!"_

" _Huh? Ohhh boy, looks like my plate-headed friend here is right. Re-focusing on the race, we go back to two of our top fighters who are at once the best and worst team the Straw Hats can produce, short of either the whole crew or Soundbite and myself."_

" _UH… Y-YEAH!_ … _**Wait,**_ **which one** are we?"

" _Take a wild guess. Anyway, looks like their quota for working together has run out, they're focusing more on each other than on their competitors, who are drawing nearer with—"_

Suddenly, a chorus of singing metal rang out across the world.

"… _Good swordplay 'pu."_

" _No kidding,"_ Cross snickered proudly. " _Well, those two are dead in the water now, but Zoro and Sanji will have to turn back a—WHAT THE?!"_

" _ **5 seconds,**_ _and the ship is_ NOT ONLY _FIXED,_ **but turned into a WATER-PLANE?** _ **That's the term,**_ _right?"_

" _Eh, I don't think it can fly, but the design is—"_

There was suddenly a flurry of harsh and firm impacts.

"… _no longer appreciable."_

" _Even our chef's feet aren't that strong 'pu."_

" _Freaking unbelievable… Well, at least it's gone down—SON OF A BITCH!"_

"OK, _cheating enemies THOUGH THEY ARE,_ _**THAT'S FREAKING AWESOME! THAT**_ **DRILL IS THE DRILL THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!"**

" _NOT EVEN_ REMOTELY _THE TIME, SOUND—"_

Amidst the renewed symphony of swords and strikes, Apoo gained a thoughtful expression. "Pierce the heavens… I'll have to remember that one."

 **-o-**

"… _huh. Uh, never mind, viewers. Talk about anticlimactic; Zoro and Sanji literally dismantled the boat, and the rings are tossed. And meanwhile, Usopp's still in the sky, and Nami is hanging on a rope; Keroko's been snagged, but Kerojii… is challenging both Zoro and Sanji at once."_

" _Why do they fight so much anyway 'pu? Aren't you supposed to be crewmates 'pu?"_

" _Eh, it's a grand confluence of conflicting neuroses and psychoses, but while they might fight each other from time to time, they can pull their own, especially when they can stomach working together. And either way, they've always got each other's backs. We all do, really. I doubt you'll find many closer crews on the sea!"_

"That form of relationship sounds veeeeery familiar, yoyoi!" Kumadori proclaimed as he struck a pose. "Whether pirates or government, it would appear that in the end we are aaaaaaall one and the sa—!" THWACK! "YOWOWOIII!" The kabuki-faced assassin slumped to his knees, clutching a nascent lump on his skull.

"Will you do me a favor and shut the hell up already!?" Jabra snarled as he shrank back from his hybrid form. "It's freaking impossible to listen to anything over your damn racket! AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU!"

That last was directed at Fukuro, who was rifling through a rolodex he was holding in his palm. Fukuro glanced back at Jabra, but rather than throw out one of his usual reminders he just sighed and went back to looking. "This is business, chapapa. Kalifa called and asked for me to do some research on the Baron."

Jabra growled lightly under his breath for a moment as he weighed the pros and cons of trying to get at his much more… evasive comrade, but ultimately elected to turn back to the show, doing his idle best to ignore the so-called 'Silent Owl.'

" _Then why are they being so haphazard 'pu?"_ Gappa asked with childish innocence.

"Oh, dear! It sounds as though these steadfast comrades may be—!"

"WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY, DAMN IT!?" Jabra roared.

" _EEP!"_

" _Haphazard? What do you—oh, that's what. So... apparently, Kerojii is actively trying to make them attack each other, hopping between their heads and the ends of the boat, trying to get in their way with each other…aaand there goes Sanji, Zoro only barely managed to dodge. And by dodge, I mean pushing Sanji in the way."_

" _ **Honor among**_ _thieves,"_ Soundbite muttered, albeit with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

Jabra frowned in confusion. "That's weird…"

Fukuro cocked an eyebrow absentmindedly. "Eh? How so? Pirates betray pirates every day."

"Most pirates, yeah, but as much as the World Government denies it, we've been steadily shown proof positive that the Straw Hats aren't normal pirates. They wouldn't normally _do_ something like this." Jabra rubbed his thumb over his braided beard. "Ergh, something's not right here…" He promptly snapped his fingers at Fukuro. "When you get that intel for Kalifa, share it with me as well."

The Silent Owl snapped a thumbs-up as he swapped out the rolodex for a new one. "Got it."

" _Yeah, that kind of a reaction is a surprise, even coming from those two. But hey,"_ It was evident that Cross had just shrugged. " _I guess tempers are high. But geeze, that old geezer is nimble… uh-oh. Crap, Zoro's vulnerable!"_

" _We're gonna win 'pu!"_

" _USOPP POUND!"_ Soundbite suddenly barked out in the voice of the crew's sniper.

"… _Or not 'pu._ Wow, _was that unlucky."_

" _Ha! Death and a giant hammer from above from our sniper! One well-tossed ring… and it's over! Two for two, the Straw Hat Pirates win!"_

"YOYOI, VICTORY! VICTORY!" Kumadori danced around, cheering at the top of his lungs. Jabra didn't object this time, too distracted eyeing Fukuro's suddenly intensified focus on one of his cards.

"… _Well, congratulations. I'd recommend you head back to the rest of your crew, we'll send those four along 'pu. Those fireworks don't come out often; it seems that the Baron will be holding a dinner party to celebrate your victories 'pu. I hope you enjoy it. After you've eaten, you'll face me in the final Ordeal of Hell 'pu."_

" _Oh, just one more?"_

" _Yes. Pass the final Ordeal, and you can enjoy all that the master of this island has to offer his guests 'pu."_

" _Fine by me! Well, I'll see you then, Gappa!… Uh, Soundbite? Something on your mind?"_

" _EH?_ _ **Ah… nothing, nothing, I JUST THOUGHT…**_ _I'm fine,_ **I THINK THE** FIREWORKS SCREWED ME UP **a bit is all."**

" _Well, if you say so."_

"Is it just me, or did that sound very particularly ominous to anyone else, yoyoi?" Kumadori glanced at his comrades warily.

"Eh, what's the worst that could happen? Glorified goldfish catching and glorified ring-tossing, I don't think this baron's that big of a threat to the likes of them," Jabra waved his hand dismissively, although the tension in his body language said otherwise.

After a minute of no reply, he looked up, to see Fukuro dialing on another snail, a look of unease on his face. "You find something?"

The team's resident gossip hound snapped a card up for Jabra to see.

The wolf-man gave the punchcard a once-over—

" _SHIT!"_

Before snatching the card out of Fukuro's hand and Shaving the hell out of the room, making tracks for Spandam's office.

Kumadori swapped his confused gaze between the door and his rotund friend before crossing his arms with a huff. "Well, now I just feel left out, yoyoi~…"

 **-o-**

For the first time in a long time, the Big Top was absolutely silent, the Buggy Pirates (plus one) hanging onto every word coming out of their Transponder Snail's mouth. Well, that, and sneaking nervous glances towards their captain, who was pacing the deck like a caged tiger. Every so often he would pause, look into the distance, and mutter to himself before continuing to wear a groove in the deck. It was almost as spooky as the SBS, and though their captain didn't abuse his crew nearly as often these days, no one wanted to provoke his temper.

"… _Well, it's official. For all of Baron Omatsuri's…shall we say, 'advanced age', the resort_ does _seem to be everything promised. I'm seeing pools, I'm seeing gourmet drinks… heck, here's XXX relaxing by a pool with a gourmet drink! Where'd you get that particular delicacy, XXX?"_

" _ **Muchigoro provided it. Apparently, it's a custom of the island for him to serve our every command for losing the game. Unfortunately, he seems to be a little drunk presently.**_ "

" _YOU WOULDN'T_ have anything to do with that, **would you?** " Soundbite asked dryly.

" _ **Oh, come now, would I do that?**_ "

" _Obvious answer is obvious,"_ Cross chuckled. " _Anyway, where's everyone else?"_

" _ **Chopper wandered off to explore a while ago, and Lassoo wandered off in search of the quietest and most comfortable place he could find to relax, citing something about the 'servants making his skin crawl'. Vivi is enjoying the royal treatment in the spa with Carue watching over her, Luffy ran off after someone with a toothbrush mustache who was throwing stones at him, and Conis has apparently lost track of her fox, and is searching for her. Also… not that I'm complaining, Soundbite, but you're being rather quiet.**_ "

" _HUH?_ Oh, yeah… _**sorry,"**_ Soundbite apologized with a wince. " **I... everything's kind of BLURRY** _ **RIGHT NOW…**_ "

"… _ **Cross, I don't think Soundbite is well."**_ Even through the blurring, the concern in the mystery crewmate's voice was obvious.

" **I FEEL FINE!"** Soundbite barked indignantly before shifting his glance to the side. " _ **It's just my powers feel…**_ **screwy.** I…I'm still trying _TO FIND BOSS_ _ **AND THE TDWS…"**_

" _See? No need to worry about it, he's fine. He'll be back to his normal self in no time. Anyway, gotta go; enjoy your lounging, XXX."_

"Since when is Cross that dim?" Alvida muttered to herself. "His partner feels strange and yet he brushes it off like it's nothing?"

"Not to mention that lack of concern for the dugongs," Cabaji commented. "After all of those lines from earlier on friendship and unity, that's not even remotely in character for him."

" **Ah… yeah, if you say so…"** Soundbite ultimately agreed, if somewhat uncertainly. " **OH, HEY, XXX, BEFORE** _ **we go, you're**_ SURE YOU _haven't seen_ _ **CHOPPER ANYWHERE?"**_

" _ **Hm? Not since he wandered off, no. Why do you ask?"**_

"… **No reason."**

A vocal equivalent of a shrug. " _ **If you say so. I may go out for a bit myself later; Muchigoro told me of a species of flower that only grows on this island, the Lily Carnation.**_ "

"What's that, a cross-breed between—?" Mohji started to ask.

"WHAT?! WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?!"

Everyone present looked back at Buggy, and recoiled; the clown looked absolutely horrified. The next second, he leapt for the receiver, and began dialing.

"What are you doing, Buggy?" Alvida asked, honest concern in her voice.

"WHAT THE FLASHY HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING? I'M CALLING THE SBS!"

"C-Captain?" Cabaji asked hesitantly.

"I've been to that island before, Cabaji…" Buggy grimly bit out. "I've tried to forget that day ever happened and I've been denying it this entire time, I thought that first name was just a coincidence, I _prayed_ , but that second name, that _name…_ " The Clown Pirate shuddered in horror. "I need to call the Straw Hats and warn them! Warn them that that Island is nothing more than a trap, one of the most dangerous traps in all of the Grand Line! A trap so vile, so utterly _horrific_ that it put me off of the Grand Line and forced me to settle for the _fucking_ East Blue!"

"And you want to call the Straw Hats and warn them about that because…?"

Buggy pinned Alvida with a glare so intense that she actually took a step back. "Because as I escaped from that hell, I made the mistake of looking back. I saw what that… that _place_ did to my crewmates and it has haunted my nightmares, the nightmares of a man who's seen everything the Grand Line has to offer, ever since. What I saw…" Buggy grit his teeth, an audible grinding noise issuing out as he threw a haunted stare at the snail. "I may be a right flashy bastard, but I'd like to imagine that I still have _some_ semblance of a soul. No one deserves that hell. Not even the Straw Hats."

 **-o-**

" _Ah, there you are, Vivi! Enjoying the royal treatment, your majesty?"_

" _Quite so, Mister Jeremiah,"_ came Vivi's voice, unusually imperialistic. " _Their XXX Island masque is making me feel truly alive. Perhaps you should sample it; it's herbal and made from the local flowers. Whether you do or not, I've really missed this, I haven't had a good royal spa treatment since before I left home."_

" _Same heah. These guys know how tah tweat a duck as good as Alabasta did!"_

"Hey, Pops…" Kohza slowly glanced at his commander in chief with a wary expression. "Correct me if I'm wrong… but I _do_ remember Vivi hating spa treatments to high heaven and Carue being right there with her, right?"

"Yes, but that was two years ago. Considering the fax— _ahem,_ mah, mah, _MAH!_ Considering the fact that they spent two years undercover as assassins and had to leave the country immediately after their labors bore fruit, I don't find it strange that either of them would want to take advantage of it when the chance is presented to them," Igaram replied before Cobra could. "I know that I certainly did."

"That's plausible, Igaram, but what I find strange is that she said that her masque came from local flowers, when they established that the only flower that they've seen is the talking one on the Baron's shoulder," Chaka noted with an uncomfortable frown.

" _Well, the results may be good, but I'm not sure the way you look right now is worth it,"_ Cross said cheekily. " _I don't think the green and gray really match your hair."_

" _The process might be ugly, Mister Jeremiah, but I_ assure you _that the results will be worth it…"_

"And she would know that _how_ , exactly?" Pell wondered.

"Well, Miss Monday talked her into trying one out. And… it took her about two months to forgive me for screaming when I saw them."

"Who, the assassin or Vivi?"

"Yes."

" _ **I sure**_ _hope so; OTHERWISE,_ **YOU'LL HAVE LESS dignity** THAN _**NAMI!"**_ Soundbite cackled eagerly. " **HOOHOOHOO** _HEEHEEHEE_ —!"

" _Watch your tongue, Soundbite,"_ Vivi cut him off, her tone suddenly as hard as granite. "Or else."

"HAHA— _HURK!?_ _ **WHAT THE FUCK, VIVI!?"**_

"What the hell!?" Kohza jerked forwards, staring at the snail in shock and horror, his expression mirrored throughout the royal master bedroom. "W-What—was that _Vivi!?"_

"There is no way in the _world_ that my daughter would be so harsh over anything so trivial!" Cobra barked harshly, before turning towards his Captain of the Guard with a disturbed expression. "Or… is there, Igaram?"

"I-I don't believe so, your majesty," Igaram stammered. "Even in her persona as Miss Wednesday, even when she had to act cold and cruel, she was never even _remotely_ that… that _glacial_. T-This shift in her attitude, I-I-I cahn't— _ahem,_ mah, mah, _MAH!_ —can't even begin to explain it!"

Meanwhile, one voice on the other end of the connection was disturbingly undisturbed by the princess' coldness. " _Well! There's more proof that you should never come between a woman and her beauty!"_ Cross said cheerfully. " _Well, we've got to be going, more crewmates to see, after all. Enjoy the spa!"_

" _That I will, Mister Jeremiah,"_ Vivi sighed in contentment. " _That I will…"_

" _Take aww the time you need, Cwoss, aww the time you need. Meanwhiwe, ah'll be enjoying theshe dewicious apewitifs!"_

" _Well, alright, then! See you!"_ And with that, Cross apparently left the room, but the conversation was clearly not over.

" _Uh, Cross?"_ Soundbite spoke up through gritted teeth. " _I HATE TO BURST YOUR BUBBLE,_ _ **BUT EITHER**_ _**Vivi**_ **really loves her** _ **spa treatments…**_ OR _she's lost it!"_

" _What, you mean how she reacted? Pff, that's probably just how she acts when she really gets to unwind,"_ Cross scoffed dismissively. " _Come on, Soundbite, you're making a big deal out of nothing again! Remember that time you thought that salesman was part of the Snail Illuminati?"_

" **I STILL HOLD THAT THAT** MOLLUSK WAS _SPEAKING IN CODE!"_

"What does it say about the Straw Hats that the term 'Snail Illuminati' doesn't even faze me?" Chaka asked dryly.

"Nothing we didn't know already," Pell replied just as dryly. "And… considering the spa treatment and the fact that this is Soundbite we're talking about, perhaps Vivi's reaction is reasonable."

Suddenly, the clatter of sandals and talons running on tile erupted over the connection.

" _Get back heyah, would ya!? Wait up!"_

" _HELP! GIANT DUCK, GIANT DUCK!"_

There was a brief moment of silence as the ruckus faded into the distance before Cross chuckled in amusement. " _Well, it seems that when he really wants to, that duck is capable of living up to his species' name."_ There was a moment of silence. " _What? Come on, Soundbite, that was funny!"_

"EH?" Soundbite turned an inquisitive eye towards, presumably, Cross. His other was pre-occupied with swinging back and forth nervously. " **Uh, yeah, sure, W-WHATEVER YOU SAY,** _ **HAHA."**_

The Alabastans, meanwhile, were fully aware of the discrepancy that Soundbite had merely suspected.

"Carue… left Vivi alone?" Igaram breathed in disbelief. "For _food?"_

"Alright, that's it," Cobra growled, snapping up from where he'd been sitting. "Something is visibly _rotten_ in the city of Mariejois, and I mean beyond the usual decay. Call Sabo at once and let him know that I need to speak with Dragon _immediately."_

 **-o-**

" _Now then, where to next, where to ne—Oh, hey, Conis! Eesh, you look freaked, what's wrong?"_

" _Oh, hello, Cross. Howlit—er, I mean, Lassoo wandered out an hour or two ago, saying that he needed some air, and that the staff were kind of creeping him out. Then, when he didn't come back, Su told me that she was going to go looking for him. But she hasn't come back either. Soundbite, can you hear her?"_

" _AH…_ _ **ergh, damn it… I'm sorry,**_ _CONIS; my hearing_ **is messed up,** _ **FUZZIER THAN**_ **SU** AFTER A BATH."

" _Eh, don't worry, Conis, Lassoo probably just fell asleep, and I bet Su is just enjoying the chance to explore an exotic location without the the spectre of certain death looming overhead."_

" _Cross, can you please try to be at least a little more serious here? Soundbite can't hear anything, and some of our crew is missing!"_

" _SHE HAS_ **a point, dude! LOOK, I WANTED A VACATION AS** MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY, BUT _**THIS ISLAND HAS**_ **FELT** OFF _since we landed!_ _ **And with**_ **everything that's been** _HAPPENING—!"_

" _Oh, psh, is that all?"_ Cross scoffed nonchalantly. " _Come off it, do you really think I haven't noticed the weird vibes this place is giving off? I can be thick, but I'm not_ Luffy _thick. It's obvious that this place is weird, but it can't be anything worse than a glorified Davy Back Fight, so really there's nothing to worry about!"_

" _But if this is another trap like back on Long Ring Long, doesn't that make it doubly important that we break out of it as soon as possible before we're irreversibly snared!?"_ Conis demanded.

" _Why should we? The benefits of getting into it are currently outdoing the costs by a pretty hefty margin, and by broadcasting this my show'll get tons of viewers! Plus, there's no risk of losing one of our crew forever this time, right?"_

" **Speak for yourself…"**

" _Eh?"_

"N-NOTHING!"

" _If you say so."_

"You know, it's obvious that he wants to be heard, that's no surprise, but when did he care this much about increasing his viewer were?" Paulie wondered.

"I'm more worried about how callous and oblivious he's being," Iceburg said with a frown. "His crewmates are acting abnormally, and yet he's just treating it like some harmless game. He only does that when it's only _him_ in danger, or he has things under control, neither of which appear to be the case here. The only reason I can think of would be if something was blatantly wrong with him, and if so it appears to have extended to the rest of the crew as well."

"Which… is bad," Kaku summarized flatly.

The chief of Galley-La nodded solemnly. "Very, _very_ bad."

" _Anyway, if there's nothing else, let's just go meet the others outside,"_ Cross continued in an entirely too casual tone. " _Easy money says that the others are getting impatient, and besides, Su and Lassoo are bound to show up for dinner, right?"_

" _Mmmph… well, that's a good point…"_ Conis conceded, though by her tone she clearly disagreed. " _Alright, which way is it, exactly?"_

As the broadcast devolved back into simple walking and idle conversation, Kalifa cracked open the back door, looking distinctly ill at ease. Kaku, Lucci, and Blueno noticed, and surreptitiously moved out the door to join their comrade.

"What's the matter?" Kaku muttered as he maintained a subtle watch on their erstwhile colleagues.

The female agent shook her head as she shuffled the papers she was practically strangling. "I've searched records thoroughly, I've asked everyone I can, I've even…" She hazarded a glance at where the rest of the company was before dropping her voice. " _Called Enies_ for intelligence on this Baron Omatsuri."

"And?" Blueno asked.

"The most recent records of anyone with that name are of a pirate crew known as the Red Arrow Pirates. They sailed the seas for decades, but then disappeared without a trace." She looked at each of her comrades in turn, a panicked glint behind her glasses. "The issue with that particular identification is that the date they disappeared was _two years before Roger's execution._ "

 **-o-**

" _Hey, everyone, how's it going?"_ Cross asked cheerily.

" _Read the mood, asshole,"_ snarled several voices, of a quality that made the listeners stiffen in unwilling anticipation. It was best compared to a barrel of chlorine trifluoride hovering over a glacier; frigid, but one push away from a superheated and incredibly toxic explosion. Soundbite whimpered audibly.

"Wow, I haven't seen a mood that bad since—"

Drake cut himself off at the twin glares Jonathan and Jessica were giving him. "Since never! Never seen any mood that bad, nope!" he hastily amended, cold sweat cascading down his temples.

" _Ooh, tough crowd,"_ Cross drawled, albeit with a hint of mischief in his voice. But not his usual mischief; rather than being playful and fun, this tone was more… dark. _Cruel,_ even. " _Why so serious, guys? What, are we not having fun here? I know that I sure am, and hopefully my viewers are too! Uh… where's Chopper?"_

" _Oh, he told Robin he'd be back soon, so he should—"_

" _There's no way in hell that I can have any kind of 'fun' with this big-mouthed long-nosed traitor even remotely nearby,"_ Nami growled venomously.

" _Damn it, what did I even do, Nami?!"_ Usopp plaintively demanded.

" _You know damn well, you_ bastard," the navigator hissed.

" _No! I don't! And yeah, I know my parents never married, but that bastard line is uncalled for!"_

" _What did you do to Nami-swan, Usopp? She wouldn't lie,"_ Sanji snarled.

" _Idiot cook, she lies all the time if it'll get her another beri,"_ Zoro growled back, black hatred coloring his voice.

" _SAY THAT AGAIN, SHITTY MOSSHEAD!"_ Sanji roared.

" _She. Lies. All. The—"_

" **GUYS, KNOCK IT** _OFF ALREADY!"_

" _The snail's right, this is just sad."_

" _Thank you, Cross,"_ Conis sighed in relief.

" _Seriously, can't you two come up with some new material?"_ Cross complained in what appeared to be all sincerity. " _I mean, 'Cook' and 'Mosshead' have been done to death, why not do something original, eh?"_

" _STOP HELPING, CROSS!"_ Conis promptly pleaded.

" _Eesh, you try and lend a hand and all you get in return is—"_

" _MISTER JEREMIAH!"_

" _GAH! What, Vivi—whoa, hello, fashion horror show, there appears to be something on your—"_

" _The Baron cut my spa treatment short because of the dinner party that he's about to throw us. I was enjoying myself more than I have for the last two years!"_

"The new recruits won't be happy to hear that," Drake muttered.

Jonathan did not reply, too focused on what was coming out of his snail's mouth. The intent stare his face had morphed into discouraged anyone from interrupting him.

" _Well, you can hardly blame_ me _for his scheduling and policies,"_ Cross waved her off indifferently.

" _I'm not, that would be unfair,"_ Vivi reassured him before her entire expression swapped to apoplectic fury. " _I'm blaming you because it's your fault that I can't take my sweet time enjoying a spa treatment back in Alabasta, WHERE I'D BE TREATED PROPERLY LIKE THE ROYALTY I AM!"_

There was a moment of tense, frigid silence, filled only with harsh, rapid breathing.

Ultimately, however, the silence was broken with a single smug phrase.

" _Don't you mean 'was'?"_

And down went the barrel.

" _DAMN IT_ , _CROSS!"_ Conis cried out.

And from there the situation only devolved further, entirely dominating the SBS. It was almost as though Cross had forgotten that the microphone was on. That, or he just didn't care who heard the strife that was afflicting the crew. The blurred voice that they knew to be Nico Robin seemed to be the only one still calm, trying to ask Luffy to calm them down. Before the captain could make any headway, however, the sound of drums rang out.

"Okay, did Cross get his brain replaced while no one was looking?" Holger incredulously demanded. "Ever since day one of the SBS, he's been almost as pissed off about Princess Vivi's situation as the princess herself! This isn't a personality shift, this is a complete transplant!"

"It makes about as much sense as anything else that's been going on right now," Cormac replied with a grimace.

"Quiet," Jonathan snapped. Both officers promptly shut up, and all present in the room quieted as the Vice Admiral began pushing around pieces on his chessboard.

Sadly, the reality of the situation was brought back to the fore by the mocking voice of the island's master.

" _Now, now, now, what's with all of this arguing I thought that a crew as united as yours go along well?"_ Baron Omatsuri drawled.

" _Oh, spare us the wisecracks,"_ Zoro shot back venomously.

" _Yeah, so we're going through a rough patch, big whoop."_ The nonchalant shrug in Cross's voice was plain to hear, as was the newfound darkness in Omatsuri's chuckle.

" _As you wish. I will now entertain you all with a private dinner party!"_

Henrick glanced around nervously as the sound of shifting water sounded out. "I'm not the only one who's disturbed by just how evil this guy suddenly sounds, right?"

"Is it sudden, or is he just no longer bothering to put on a ruse?" Holger asked right back.

" _Well, is there no end to the surprises on this island?"_ Cross whistled in awe. " _It would appear that even this seemingly innocuous pond is capable of turning into—"_

" _I present to you the outdoor iron-griddle restaurant!"_

"— _yes, that. Omatsuri's chef is standing on the griddle, which is now on fire, wearing skates that seem to be made out of lard and carrying a pair of… what are those, pizza paddles?"_

" _They're spatulas, actually, custom made for my head chef, Kotetsu!"_ Omatsuri stated.

" _Got it."_

"I can only pray, _pray_ that they'll be able to get over whatever problems are making them act like this long enough to have a good meal," Jessica pleaded, more to herself than anyone.

[That's assuming that they haven't drugged the food,] Isaiah cut in, writing out the same words on the notepad he had before him. Jessica grimaced as she saw it.

"Drugs… or something stronger," Jonathan muttered.

"What was that, Commander?" Henrick asked hesitantly.

Jonathan positioned the last piece on his board before resting his head in his hands. "Of the present Straw Hats, the only ones that are not acting extremely out of character are the captain, Soundbite, Nico Robin, and Conis. In short, the ones unaffected are the ones that are not normal humans, with 'normal' being relative."

"But isn't Cross's physiology abnormal, too?" Drake questioned.

[YES, BUT HE'S DIFFERENT IN THAT HE'S SOMEHOW LESS _POWERFUL_ THAN THE REST OF THE CREW! ERGO, IT'S AS THOUGH HE'S BEING HIT BY A SEAKING!] Terry furiously squawked and slashed into a notepad.

" _And now whole carts of food are being tossed into the air and—diced up long before they hit the grill. And now comes the shuffling around."_

" _This is actually pretty impressive…"_ Conis mused absentmindedly.

" _Yeah, but it's a slippery slope, Conis,"_ Cross warned. " _It's a good performance, but if any food's wasted then the whole spectacle is pointless."_

" _Well, either way, it looks yummy!"_ Luffy cried out.

" _Yes, it does—oh, what's this? Oh, my, Sanji's just jumped onto the grill."_

" _Luffy… I'm about to make you a shitty meal 100 times better than what this fatass is making!"_ Sanji declared. " _I'll put on a show for you all that none of you will ever forget!"_

" _Heh. I don't have any ingredients for you to use,"_ came an unfamiliar voice that could only be Kotetsu.

" _Then I'll just… TAKE YOURS!"_

" _Well, this promises to be exciting!... Though our audience seems to be missing a member. Hey, did anyone see where Vivi went?"_

" _I think she said something about 'going to find that damn duck' before stalking off,"_ Usopp provided.

" _Eh, her loss. 'Sides, her harping was starting to get really irritating."_

"Wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense," Jessica said.

"What? I thought we'd already established that a lot of the crew is acting way out of—"

"Not _that,_ Holger," Jessica cut in. "I'm referring to the fact that aside from the princess with her spa treatment and the duck with the food platter, none of the Straw Hats have eaten up to this point, so they _couldn't_ have been drugged through any gastronomic means. So how could whatever's been making them go insane have gotten into their systems?!"

" _Well! Looks like we have a cooking duel on our hands, ladies and gentleman! The two of them are staring each other down… and they're off! They're rushing towards the ingredients, and they've both seized a sizable portion to work with, though Kotetsu managed to get away with more of it."_

"But that's the only explanation!" Cormac started to protest before trailing off thoughtfully. "Unless… w-what if it's airborne or something? Like a toxin or a gas or—?"

 _SLAM!_

The Marines jumped almost a foot off the air and stared at their commanding officer in shock.

Jonathan was scowling grimly, driving the black queen so hard into the board that both it and the desk beneath were starting to crack.

"Pollen," he spat. "It's the _flower."_

 **-o-**

" _And now we see the differentiation in approach between the two chefs!"_ Cross announced proudly, at least a hint of his old self entering his voice. " _Kotetsu is mixing his portion in with a large helping of noodles, while Sanji has prepared a thick and rich broth for the food to marinate in… and what's this? Oh, I was wrong, it's not broth. It's_ batter _! He's making a pancake!"_

"Pancakes for dinner? The brat must have lost his mind out there on the high-seas!" Patty chortled for a second before he was cut off by a dope slap courtesy of Carne.

"Less backseat-cooking, more _real-life_ cooking! This marathon might be insane, but it's still managing to whip up a massive dinner rush!" the shorter chef barked. "Besides, pancakes are great for dinner!"

"Where, Podunk, South Blue?"

"I'll have you know that Podunk was a _respectable_ community, and that—!"

 _THWACK-WHACK!_

"OW!" the belligerent chefs chorused as they clutched their skulls.

"If you can't keep up the pace while listening, then I will _fry_ this snail myself, you hear me?" Zeff growled as he loomed behind the two, the snail flinching in fear. "Now come on!" He slid two dozen plates of beautifully designed food before them. "Order up!" The head chef then turned his attention to the snail as he got back to work. After all, he could do this in his sleep, quite literally.

" _Go, Sanji! You're looking great! Do your best!"_ Nami cheered.

" _Keep it up, Sanji! Go, go, go!"_ Usopp concurred.

A moment later, however, both voices fell silent.

" _Oh, dear, it seems that our navigator and sniper are still angry with each other. What a pity,"_ Cross remarked, the dark humor returning full-force.

" _Cross, can't you do something about them? S-Something to actually_ help _them? Now Nami's just walking away to sit next to that fish keeper, and Usopp's wandering into the forest,_ " Conis said worriedly.

" _Oh, don't worry so much, Conis. They'll get over it with a little time alone. And honestly, it's sort of cute watching them fight."_

" _C-Cute?"_ Conis repeated in disbelief. " _Cross—!"_

" _OYSTER SAUCE!"_

" _Oh, hold that thought!"_ Cross said.

" _SEAWEED FLAKES!"_

" _Looks like Kotetsu is finishing up his dish!"_

" _And with a dash of red, pickled ginger, my XXX Island yakisoba will be complete! Bon appetit!"_

"Sounds like they made an awesome dish!" Patty commented as he returned to his station.

"Yeah, too bad Sanji's going to upstage him without a sweat!" Carne cackled eagerly.

Zeff smirked slightly, lowering his peg-leg from it's pre-whack position.

" _Well, well, that's quite the appealing pasta dish—wait, what the hell—whoa!"_

" _Thanks for the ingredients!"_ Sanji called out.

"… _One of these days, I'm going to have to ask just how thoroughly that old man trained him. Viewers, Sanji just gathered up all of that pasta, meat and all, with a giant pair of chopsticks, rolled it into a ball, and tossed it into the air. And now… he's flipping that pancake of his up and on top of it?"_

" _Super-thick sauce! A layer of mayonnaise. Aaand… as the veil-like bonito flakes dance in the air, my modan yaki is complete."_ The drumbeats stopped. " _That's how it's done!"_

" _Go, Sanji, go! Looks like Kotetsu wasn't expecting to be outdone…_ ooh, _and he just fell onto his hands and knees in disbelief, on the griddle. That's going to leave a mark."_

" _Sweet Conis, did you see my demonstration of cooking skills?"_ Sanji purred.

" _Y-Yes, that was… very impressive,"_ Conis said uncertainly, her discomfort plainly audible.

" _Alright, how about serving up some of that—um. Alright, Luffy has reached a new low in table manners; he literally just dove into the food like it was a swimming pool. I'm not sure how I feel about eating that now…"_

" _FOR ONCE,_ _ **I'm not sure**_ I want any **either,** " Soundbite muttered.

" _I believe I've lost my appetite, too,"_ Conis queasily agreed.

" _Hey, Zoro, wake up! The food is ready!"_ Luffy called.

" _Food? Oh, good, I'm starving_."

"You think it's out of character for Sanji to try feeding Zoro food that their captain dove into?"

"No, that seems about par for the course."

"Patty, Carne, as entertaining as this is, do I need to remind you that we have—"

" _You were asleep, so you can go hungry."_

" _Huh?"_

" _Anyone who doesn't cheer for me doesn't have the right to eat._ "

 _CRASH!_

The cookware in Zeff's hands fell to the ground and shattered as he gaped at the Transponder Snail in stunned horror.

"O-OWNER ZEFF!"

"Sanji… he would never say that. Not in a thousand years, not if his life depended on it, not if every woman in the _world_ begged him to say it," Zeff breathed, sinking to his knees in shock.

"Something's not right here, something's _really_ not right!" Patty growled furiously.

Apparently, the chefs of the Baratie weren't the only ones to share this opinion.

 **-o-**

" _ **HAVE YOU LOST—**_ **MMPH!?"** Soundbite's panicked protests were suddenly silenced without warning.

" _Be_ quiet, _you little pest, before I bash your teeth in!"_

"What. The damn. Hell," Smoker grit out slowly, his cigars _very_ swiftly burning down to nubs.

"D-Did Cross just—?!" Tashigi stammered in near-panic, unable to believe her ears.

" _M-Mmph!?"_ Soundbite mumbled out with just as much incredulity.

" _Come on, dumbass, don't you realize it yet? I don't know what the heck's going on here, but I do know that it's dramatic straight out the wazoo! The messier this gets, the more viewers_ I'll _get, so don't ruin this for me, got it!?"_

"B-BUT, _**but—!"**_

" _Now shut up, we're missing some prime material here."_

"He's out of his fucking mind," Smoker numbly summarized.

"H-He has to have a _reason—!"_ Tashigi started to stammer, only to be interrupted by a sound coming over the Transponder Snail's connection.

" _Cli-cli-click, click-click-click, cli-cli-click, cli-cli-click, click-click-click, cli-cli-click."_

It took the ensign a moment to decipher what she was hearing, but once she did she paled in horror. "That's an SOS…" she breathed, barely able to believe what she was saying. "S-Soundbite's using his teeth to send an SOS. He-He's scared for his life… Scared of _Cross…"_

 _SLAM!_

Tashigi nearly jumped clear out of her seat as Smoker slammed his fist onto the table.

"Enough is enough," he growled viciously. "Damn secrecy and damn the rest of MI4. We're ending this shitshow _now._ Call the snail, with any luck he'll have the presence of mind to blur our voices."

Nodding frantically, Tashigi swept up the Transponder Snail's mic and tapped in the long-since memorized number—

 _ **!́̀͡-̴͏̡̛M͟͟҉͠Y̸̕͢͠͞ ̡̕F̴̕Ų̷̴̀N̡҉̷̸͠ ̵̧͞M҉͏̧͞Y͏̛͠͠͡ ̨͞T͘҉̛͢O͢͞Ý̡S̢̀̀͢͝ ̴̷̢̧͜M̨͘Y̷͝ ͜͜F̴͡O̸͏̢Ǫ̨͡͠͏D͘͡ ҉̴̸͠G̶O̶̶҉͘ ͞͏Ą̵̀̕Ẃ̛͘͠Ą̷̛͠Ý̵̨̛-̸̢͡!̴̡̕͜͠**_

Only to shriek and fumble the Snail's mic when a roar/shriek/ _blast_ of unholy _sound_ tore its way from the poor Snail's mouth; it promptly fainted into unconsciousness, foam bubbling out of its mouth the instant its task was completed.

The two Marines stared at the Snail in horror for a moment before chorusing a singular thought.

" _Shit."_

 **-o-**

"Come on, captain, _think!_ You know the names, you know you know them, and he's even given us some descriptions, too!"

"Muchigoro, the loach-human with the giant pet goldfish!"

"Gappa, the young gunner who looks like a kappa!"

"The Four Wise Men, or Three Men and one Woman!"

"Kotetsu, the theatrical chef built like a freakin' ox!"

"Come on, is _any_ of this ringing a bell!?"

"Aaaaargh, yes, they're ringing _plenty!"_ Shanks snarled as he paced back and forth, his hand desperately hammering against his forehead. "But none of it is actually making any _sense!_ I _recognize_ the names, I know _details_ about them, like how Kerojii can drink like a fiend or how Muchigoro can't hold his alcohol worth shit—!"

"Focus!" Benn barked.

"But _none_ of it has any context!" Shanks flung his arm up in desperation. "I don't know _how_ I know them, I don't know _where_ I know them from…"

"… _Alright, now things are getting a bit weird; every single one of the candles for the party just went out at the same time… and looking more closely, it seems that our crew has been brought down to six."_

" _ **S-Seven—**_ "

" _We'll compromise at six and a quarter, now_ shh. _This is turning… interesting."_

Soundbite whimpered. " **V-Viewers?** _ **C-CROSS CAN'T**_ hear me _SAYING THIS…_ **BUT HE'S lost his mind…** _ **I'm scared…**_ "

Shanks snarled and raked his fingers through his hair. "But damn it all, I _need_ to find out why I get a sickening feeling of _wrongness_ in my gut every time the baron talks! Before this gets any worse than it already is!"

" _And what's this?"_

" _ **AAAAAAHHHH!"**_

" _GEEZE, you stupid snail, why—whoa, Muchigoro… OK, so that reaction was understandable. They really take the plant motif seriously here, he's turned purple, and shriveled up like a dried reed,"_ Cross whistled in awe.

" **H-He was** _rambling about_ A STORM—"

Cross cut him off with a malevolent grin. " _And meanwhile, the rest of our crew is arguing about what to do next."_

" _I told you to keep an eye on them!"_ Sanji barked.

" _They aren't kids! I can't keep tabs on them all day long!"_ Zoro shot back.

" _Five of our crew disappeared, and nobody noticed?"_

" **I-I noticed!** _ **I-I-I tried to SAY SOMETHING,**_ _BUT—!"_

" _But why are we just now noticing?!"_ Nami demanded.

" _Because none of you are listening!"_ Conis pleaded. " _Please, stop arguing, we need to—!"_

" _Luffy…"_ Conis choked at the sheer icy _malice_ dripping from Sanji's words. " _What are you going to do? You're the one who got us into this."_

" _Sanji—"_ Nami started.

" _You're the one who decided to come to this island!"_

" _Stop it! This isn't the time!"_ Nami protested, though it seemed halfhearted.

"AGH! What is it?! How can I not remember—?!"

 _THWACK!_ THUD!

All of the Red-Haired Pirates gaped, while the world's greatest swordsman inspected Yoru's hilt and began plucking away the few red hairs that had stuck to it.

"Less subtlety than I prefer, but when all else fails…" Mihawk grunted.

Shanks slowly got back to his feet, his face somewhere between a grimace and a smirk. "Screw subtle, that actually _worked!_ I remember now: Baron Omatsuri was Captain 'Red Baron' Omatsuri, captain of the Red Arrow Pirates! I met them once while I was still sailing with Captain Roger! We met them a couple of years before we reached Raftel, we had a great party, we parted ways on good terms and—!" Shanks' jubilant expression promptly froze before turning ashen. "And… And they got caught in the mother of all storms… a storm so violent… it picked up their ship and flung it clean over the Red Line, back into Paradise… there… there were no survivors…"

"Well, it seems that reports—" Mihawk began.

"—Of their death were greatly exaggerated," most of the Red-Hair Pirates intoned together.

"Story of my life…" Shanks grumbled with a roll of his eyes before grinning viciously. "Well, either way, it doesn't matter! Now that we have a name, we can call Luffy and—!"

" _That's what started all of this… Luffy, this is your fault."_

" _SANJI!"_ Conis shrieked in offense. The fact that she was the _only_ one who protested was telling in the extreme.

And just like that everything _froze,_ pirates and Warlords alike staring at the snail in varying degrees of mute shock, the small degree of humor that they had fading away like a candle flame in the ocean.

" _Whoa. Borderline mutinous behavior from our chef,"_ Cross purred. " _Be sure to take it all in, folks. This is some prime quality drama."_

" _Tell me_ **this is** _ **just a NIGHTMARE.**_ **SOMEONE** wake me up! **THEY'RE ALL COMPLETELY NUTS!** "

"I'm afraid…" Mihawk grimaced. "It would appear that in this case, this is an instance of what is commonly known as 'too little, too late'."

 **-o-**

" _The dinner party is over! The Ordeal of Hell will now resume!"_ Omatsuri's voice suddenly barked. All signs of his previous good cheer were gone, and only frigid, malicious apathy remained. " _Everyone, take your positions. DJ, come forth!"_

" _Good evening 'pu. I'm DJ Gappa. Pleasure to meet you 'pu,"_ came a familiar voice.

"Damn, it's this bastard again," Marco scowled grimly, his attitude mirrored by the rest of his brothers who were listening to the SBS. "He's the one who kickstarted this entire mess in the first place!"

"Don't be too hasty there, Marco," Whitebeard rumbled as he levelled a hard stare at the snail. "This hell didn't start with that young man. He might have planted the seeds of whatever's wrong with Cross, but as a whole?" The half-giant shook his head with a sigh. "I'm afraid that the Straw Hats were ensnared in whatever trap is present on that island the moment they set foot on its shores."

Marco's scowl deepened, but for the life of him he couldn't refute his pop's words.

" _Oh, hey, there's Gappa again,"_ Cross sneered eagerly. " _Looks like it's finally time for the last Ordeal, but Zoro and Sanji seem more concerned about our crewmates that wandered off. Eh, I suppose they do have a point: after all, more crewmates, more participants to enjoy the… wait a minute."_ Cross trailed off as he cocked an eyebrow. " _Hey, Gappa, are you wearing Usopp's hat?"_

The Whitebeards glanced nervously at one another as they processed the turn of events.

"How long ago did Signore Sniper leave?" Vista asked quietly.

"Ten minutes, fifteen tops," Jozu provided with a grimace.

The ramifications of that estimate were left unsaid, though they were clear to all.

" _What?! Hey, that IS Usopp's hat!"_ Sanji barked, which was followed by the sound of something coming unstuck.

" _Ah!_ _Give it back 'pu!"_

" _You bastard… What did you do to Usopp?!"_ Zoro growled menacingly, which prompted the sound of retreating footsteps.

" _D-Don't worry. Your friends are still on the island 'pu. If you want to see them, try and find them 'pu."_

" _Ah, so that's where everyone is, I should have suspected it,"_ Cross stated casually, not so much as a hint of concern for his comrades present in his voice. " _Well, looks like the kid gloves have finally come off and it's time for the big beatdown. The sign for the next 'ordeal' is rising up behind the good Baron, and personally, I can't wait to see what he has planned."_

" _You will learn of the fate of your comrades after the next ordeal,"_ Omatsuri stated.

" _Don't give us that crap! Give them back!"_ Sanji ordered.

" _The ordeal comes first,_ " Omatsuri repeated.

"Is this guy serious!?" Namur grunted incredulously.

" _Don't screw with us! Those guys come first!"_ Zoro said.

" _ **The ordeal will come first!"**_ Omatsuri yelled, madness and determination suddenly blazing in his voice.

Edward Newgate clenched his jaw as he processed the raw amount of emotion that had been packed into that phrase. "I think he's more serious than you can possibly imagine…"

" _Well, the Baron is quite insistent about this… and it looks like Zoro and Sanji aren't going to stick around to play his game. HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GUYS—? Ahhh, man, less players, less fun,"_ Cross sighed dejectedly, petulant disappointment coloring his voice. " _Tsk, well, that's too bad. Alright, let's see what the rules are this time…"_

There was an electronic hum of neon igniting, gasps of horror from Soundbite and Conis—

" **Дерьмо!"**

" _Oh, my God…"_

—and the sound of a hundred flintlock rifles cocking in unison.

" _Ah, it's a shooting game."_

It was as though the Whitebeard Pirates, all New World veterans, had suddenly been dunked in ice water.

"Oh, yeah…" 12th Division Commander Haruta realized. "That Gappa guy… he… he said he was a gunner…"

" _There are no rules in this ordeal,"_ the Baron announced. There was no pomp or circumstance in his voice, or even emotion at all for that matter. Merely grim determination. " _My 100 sharpshooters will hunt you. If you believe you can escape them, you can search for your crewmates or do whatever you wish."_

Jozu shook his head in disbelief. "This… This isn't an ordeal, this is a fucking _execution!"_

"No, this is the truth of that island when you strip away its façade," Marco grimly corrected. "Everything before was just trappings and distractions. Now… Now all that's left is its rotten core."

Everything was silent for a moment, then… " _High stakes. Sounds like_ fun!" Cross snickered in a near-demented manner that had Soundbite whimpering.

"'E's not gonna snap out of this any time soon, is 'e?" 7th Division Commander Rakuyo sighed in resignation.

"I sincerely hope so, matters are disturbing enough already…" Vista muttered, miserably massaging his face.

" _Luffy, what do we do?… Luffy?… LUFFY!"_ Nami screamed.

" _Captain, please! Do something!"_ Conis pleaded. " _Cross, don't just stand there! Help me!"_

" _Who do you think's going down first, people?"_ Cross rambled on, ignoring the pleas of his friends. " _My bets are on the rookie. After all, she's still soft. Chopper's got a natural disadvantage, of course—"_

" _Cross, what is wrong with you!? Please, we need help! Why is no one listening to me!?"_

" _ **SOMEONE fucking**_ **HELP!** _ **IT'S OMATSURI ISLAND!**_ **OMATSURI ISLAND!** I DON'T CARE _WHO COMES AT THIS POINT,_ **HEEEEELP**!"

" _You may begin!"_ Omatsuri called out.

The Moby Dick began to shudder as Whitebeard's hold on his temper finally cracked and his powers asserted themselves, waves rising on what had moments ago been a glass-calm sea.

"I may not be able to sink that island from here," he growled, his children inching away from him as his Haki started laying low even the strongest of their number. " _But I am very tempted to try."_

 **-o-**

" _I-I'm going off by myself!"_ Nami hissed before the sound of her running came across the speaker.

" _Nami, wait! Nami, NAMI! Nononono—L-Luffy, I'm so, so sorry, but… AGH! Cross, come on, we have to run!_ " Conis cried frantically.

" _What, and miss the beatdown? Are you out of your ditzy airhead mind?! I wouldn't miss this for the w—HEY! LET GO OF ME!"_

" _If I have to drag you out of here to make sure you don't get gunned down because you're too preoccupied to run, then that's what I'll do! Luffy's immune to bullets, he can take care of himself. WE ARE NOT! What kind of a show will it be if we all die?!"_ Conis yelled.

"Better than what we're listening to right now," Gin spat as he fingered the hilts of his tonfa, an action he'd been undertaking since Sanji's blasphemous statement. "Damn it, I was involved in some depraved undertakings while I worked with Krieg, sure, but this? This just takes the _cake."_ He cast a sidelong look at Miss Valentine. "At a guess, I'd say this is like heaven to you?"

The ex-assassin shook her head slowly, her countenance a highly visible green. "I…I'm a sadist on the best of days, but this… I wouldn't wish this on even the worst of my enemies…" she gurgled, obviously fighting to keep her lunch down.

Mr. 5 shook his head with a scowl. "I might be somewhat heartless, but even _I_ know that this shit isn't right…" He glanced at Bartolomeo. "Boss, what do you thi—Boss?"

'Black Bart' Bartolomeo, infamous pirate straight out of the East Blue and wanted by the Marines for a bounty just shy of a 100 Million Beris, was slumped on his hands and knees and biting into the collar of his shirt in an effort to restrain his sobs. "Da-Dab id!" he managed to choke out through his tears. "Dey're geddig ribbed abart at da seabs! Dis iz dorture, pure dorture!"

Mr. 5 cocked an eyebrow before starting to turn his head. "I can't understand jack through all that snot. Think you can translate, Api— _oh, come on!"_ He slapped a hand to his forehead when he caught sight of the pre-adolescent and her pet dragon, who were in practically the same position. "You don't even know them personally!"

"N-No," Apis shook her head in agreement. "B-But we came r-r-really close, you know!? I-If they'd just left Loguetown a _little_ sooner, I-I'd have probably been saved by them instead of the captain!"

Mr. 5 opened his mouth for a biting remark, but the long pause in the audio, punctuated only by the sounds of running, distant gunshots, and Soundbite's muffled whimpering, was finally broken by Cross speaking.

" _I am… conflicted,"_ he muttered, before restarting his commentary. " _Hmm_ … _alright, so we're running for our lives… possibly trying to find our crewmates in the meantime… but hey, even if it's not the beatdown, this is still good entertainment, right? And it sounds like the shooters are pretty close by now. HEY, GUYS, WE'RE OVER HERE!"_

" _ARE YOU CRAZY?!"_ Conis screamed.

" _What? Are you saying it wouldn't be a good show if we got caught and you had to try fighting them off to save our lives? Action, suspense, violence, explosions… now,_ that's _entertainment!"_

" _ **HE'S LOST IT**_ **worst than** the rest of the CREW!" Soundbite finally burst out, presumably aloud. " **GET ME OUT OF HERE!"**

" _Watch it, you little jackass, or else I'll rip your fucking tongue—!"_

Without warning, a meaty THWACK and a pained " _GAH!"_ sounded out over the connection.

" _Agh, my nose, what the f—! HEY! WHAT THE HELL!?"_

" _I'm so sorry, Cross, I'm so sorry, I'll come back for you, I swear, I swear…"_ Conis babbled frantically, tears obvious in her voice.

" _HEY! GET BACK HERE, BITCH! THAT'S MY AUDIENCE!_ GIVE ME BACK MY AUDIENCE!"

" _ **Shut**_ **up!** _ **RUN**_ faster!"

Cross' indignant voice faded into the distance, and the next few minutes were nothing but running and ragged panting, occasionally punctuated by the sound of gunshots in the distance.

Silence reigned on the _Cannibal_ as its crew desperately attempted to come to terms with just what the _hell_ had just happened.

"… So." Goldenweek finally broke the silence, her stoic demeanor still somewhat in place apart from a sheen of cold sweat on her brow. "That just happened."

"…Bastard…"

"Huh?" The painter glanced at her captain in confusion.

"BASTARD!" Bartolomeo repeated, slamming his fist into the Cannibal's railing, a good chunk of which collapsed under the force of the massive barrier that had snapped up around Black Bart's fist.

The crew reeled and stared at their captain in shock.

"B-Boss…" Gin started to stammer out.

"Bad enough that he somehow turned a maverick like Cross into a raving lunatic, bad enough that he abused the bonds of one of the greatest pirate crews to sail the Blue Seas since the Roger Pirates, bad enough that he's a _complete and total fucking monster on his own,"_ Bartolomeo spat acridly before ramping himself up into a froth. " _But I draw the FUCKING line at reducing the great Monkey D. Luffy to being unable to do anything AS HIS CREW FALLS APART AROUND HIM!"_

"The captain's right!"/"That bastard needs to burn!"/"Come on, Straw Hat, snap out of it!"/"Get your crew back!"/"Should we set a course for Omatsuri Island?" agreed the former mafia thugs that had followed Bartolomeo into piracy.

Gin glanced around at his relatively new crewmates before allowing himself a grim smile. "Well, it looks like the crew has spoken… and I can't exactly say that I'm dissatisfied with the decision."

Mr. 5 flicked his nose with a snort. "Ditto."

"Right!" Bartolomeo pumped his fist. "We'll make that Baron wish he never tried hurting the Straw Hats! Everyone, set sail for Omatsuri Island!"

Apis and Goldenweek exchanged flat looks as the rest of the Barto Club roared in agreement before Apis surreptitiously coughed into her fist. "And… which way would that be, exactly?"

The mood promptly fractured as the crew turned their heads to stare at the underage-and-apparently-underage girls.

Goldenweek and Apis gave each other another pair of flat looks. "Morons, the lot of them," Apis declared.

"They'd sink in a week without us," Goldenweek declared before pointing at the snail. "May I suggest that we keep listening in hopes of getting a hint? I suspect it won't be the most enjoyable of endeavors, but it's certainly better than sailing blind in the Grand Line."

The crew glanced at one another before slowly and sheepishly sounding out their agreements.

"Good," Goldenweek nodded before settling down in front of the snail. "Now shut up and pay attention."

On the other end of the line, the Straw Hat's gunner was panting heavily as she ran for her and Soundbite's lives. " _We… We have to keep going—AGH!"_ Conis choked out, followed by what sounded like her tripping. " _Owww… Sorry, Soundbite."_

" _ **PLEASE TELL ME**_ _THAT YOUR ANKLE didn't break!_ **I refuse to die BY STEREOTYPE!"**

" _Ah… no, n-no, I'm fine. It just shocked me is a—wait. Wait, this bit of ground, it feels like…"_ Then came the sound of metallic hinges moving. " _A secret passage?!"_

"I THOUGHT I was hearing **echoes!"**

" _Where do you think it goes?"_

The Transponder Snail winced as a gunshot rang out _far_ too close for comfort. " **WHO CARES!?"**

" _Right, sorry!"_

"Hmph. I was starting to think that maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't have a stupidly perfect escape route show up right when they needed it most," Mr. 5 drawled.

"And you're saying that they _don't_ deserve a Hail Mary at this moment?" Miss Valentine demanded.

"…Point."

There was the sound of Conis sliding into the hole, and the pair were almost home free, but as the hinges started to close…

 _BOOM! "AAAHHHHHH!"_

A gunshot, followed by a familiar voice screaming.

" _CROSS!"_ Soundbite and Conis exclaimed. There was silence for a few moments, and then the sound of something shifting.

"Wha—CONIS, **what are** _ **you—?"**_

" _He may be out of his mind, but he's still our friend and crewmate. I'm going to see if I can find him. You should be safe here, Soundbite, I'll be back."_

The snail was teary-eyed, but it nodded nonetheless.

" _Good. I'll—"_

Her voice was abruptly stopped by a panicked rustling of claws on stonework, a panicked cry and then…

 _KER-CHOW!_ "AH!"

A bullet's report, followed by a cry of pain. But it wasn't Conis' voice. The voice of the one who was shot then came across the line again as a whimper, followed by a kicking sound and a yelp of pain.

" _Su,"_ Conis breathed numbly.

"Those hunters must have used her for target practice," Apis grit out.

A few seconds of silence as that sunk in, and then…

"… _Alright. That's it,"_ Conis said, her voice lifeless.

" _ **C-Conis—**_ **CONIS,** _ **NO!**_ _DON'T GO ANGRY,_ DON'T GO ANGRY!"

The sound of a bazooka cocking came across the connection.

" _Everything_ burns."

What followed next was a screech of rusty hinges, a heavy slamming sound, a series of muffled explosions, and amidst all of it, the sound of Soundbite sobbing uncontrollably.

 _"How…_ **How could** _ **this happen?**_ _WHAT HAPPENED_ TO MY _**FRIENDS?!"**_ he wailed.

Silence reigned on the deck as the crew stared at the snail in numb shock. At least, until Miss Goldenweek slowly raised her hand.

"…I realize that this probably isn't the time," the painter started quietly. "But I'd just like to say for the record that Crocodile is probably loving the hell out of this."

 **-o-**

"I'm surprised that you're not, as some of my more crass underlings would put it, 'loving the hell out of this', considering that the Straw Hats are the reason you're here in the first place," Magellan rumbled quizzically, his Hydras swaying high above him and perfectly poised to smite or incapacitate anyone who got too unruly, depending on their degree of importance to the World Government.

"I really don't care about that," intoned the only person in all of the Eternal Hell who had not been yelling his head off or otherwise making a racket or riot at the broadcast going on. Oddly, however, he seemed irritated. "Honestly, considering how that outrageous rookie crew has only been getting more outrageous as time goes by, I'm more inclined to hope that they win than lose."

"Oh?" Magellan glanced at him in surprise. "And why would that be?"

Crocodile scoffed as he picked up the shot glass of alcohol the warden had placed just within the bars of his cell and downed it in a single gulp, barely even grimacing as the rancid taste of vinegar hit his palate. After all, it was already leagues better than the usual food he was served. "Because so far, the brat has yet to be truly beaten. So long as Straw Hat remains undefeated, then my defeat can be interpreted not as my fault, but rather due to bad luck and a bad opponent." The ex-Warlord scowled viciously. "If someone beats the brat, then that all goes away."

Magellan raised his eyebrows. "An interesting mindset… and one that I suppose that I can understand."

The warden and the prisoner ended their conversation as they received a reprieve from Soundbite's wailing, which had been continuing on for the last several minutes, in the form of another voice coming across.

" _Ergh… will you… hurry up and quit your bellyaching, slimeball? You're… giving me tinnitus…"_

" _I'm with the puffball on this one, Soundbite. Usually you're a lot more badass than this. If you're this miserable, then we really_ must _be screwed."_

Soundbite hiccupped and gasped in shock. " **S-SU!?** _ **LASSOO!? Y-You're alive!"**_

" _Of—_ ergh!" Su's voice cut off in an agonized wince. " _Of course we are… Lassoo managed to save me from those maniacs while Conis… Conis…"_ The cloud fox trailed off into light sobbing, prompting Lassoo to take up the slack.

" _I grabbed Su and ran into a tunnel that was unearthed while Conis was breaking everything she could. I didn't see what happened to her, but…"_ The dog-gun cut himself off with a shake of his head. " _Not important because we'll save her later. For now, how come you didn't already know that I'd saved Su?"_

Soundbite sniffed as he replied. " _M-MY POWERS_ **HAVE BEEN ON THE** fritz ever since **we got here.** _ **MINOR AT FIRST, NEGLIGIBLE given my range,**_ BUT NOW… NOW I'M AS DEAF AS A MOLE."

" _Watch it."_

" _ **IS NOW EVEN**_ **REMOTELY** _**THE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT!?"**_

Lassoo winced and shook his head with a grimace. " _You of all animals should understand using snark as a coping mechanism."_

"I-I-I- _I_ … _Y-Yeah._ _ **A**_ **-Anyway… WHAT DO WE DO** _ **NOW?**_ I MIGHT BE BLIND, _BUT I CAN TELL THAT EVERYONE'S…_ _ **everyone's gone…"**_

"… _tseheheh…"_ Su chuckled weakly. " _It's… a good thing you're not Cross, slimestain…"_

" **WHAT!?"**

" _No, she's right,"_ Lassoo huffed. " _Because you're not Cross, that statement of yours wasn't a guaranteed truth. Now, come on."_ There was a slight scuffle of movement. " _Let's get moving."_

" **Wait!** _ **Don't forget the transceiver!"**_

" _I think we have… more important things to worry about… than your damn show, Soundbite…"_

"YEAH! LIKE MAKING SURE _NO ONE COMES TO THIS HELLHOLE_ _ **without as many details as possible!"**_

The mammals were silent for a moment before Lassoo sighed in defeat. " _I thought I told you it was a_ good _thing you're not always right…"_ he muttered before there was another scuffle. " _Now, let's get going."_

The three talking animals walked on in silence for the next minute or so, making their way through what sounded like a veritable labyrinth of tunnels and caverns. Soon enough, however, the largest of the trio paused and sniffed at the air. " _Wait a second…"_

" _Don't tell me…"_ Su winced. " _The baron's goons?"_

" _No, they smell like… well, you know. No, this person smells like toothpaste and mustache gel."_

"I am so glad I'm not a Zoan," Magellan muttered.

"I'll drink to that," Crocodile agreed as he held his shot glass up and shook it slightly.

"Yeah, yeah, I get the message…"

" _Eh? Did I just hear somethi—WAH!"_ an older man's voice suddenly yelped in shock.

" _Who are you and why should I_ not _turn you into fucking brisket?"_ Lassoo snarled viciously

" **Eh—? W-Wait, WAIT, LASSOO, WAIT, I RECOGNIZE HIM!"** Soundbite hastily spoke up. "HE… _**He's the OLD MAN**_ _FROM BEFORE!_ TH-THE ONE WHO _**GOT ALL**_ **HOPEFUL AFTER WE** _won the_ GOLDFISH **contest!"**

" _Wha—? How could you—no, never mind,"_ the old man promptly pivoted. " _The explanation is 'Devil Fruit', that's all I need to know."_

"Someone who's actually smart enough to realize that, go figure," Crocodile deadpanned.

" _Hmph. Well, whatever and whoever you all are, I'm glad to see you somehow managed to escape the massacre. Here, why don't you come with me? I saved your captain from the Baron, I'll take you to him."_

" _LUFFY'S SAFE?!"_ all three of the animals roared.

" _I… actually didn't catch his name, but if you mean the stubborn boy in the straw hat, then yes, that's him. It was a close thing, but he somehow managed to escape the Baron's onslaught, so I snuck him into my base of operations. Follow me, it's this way."_

"I wonder how he survived long enough to build a base of operations," Crocodile mused. "A feat like that is as impressive as there being a secret base in a place like thi— _ERK!"_ The ex-Warlord's muscles suddenly locked up and were set ablaze without warning.

Magellan scowled at the prisoner as he rolled another minute blob of venom between his fingers. "Watch your tongue, inmate, lest my next shot rot it out of you."

" _Grgrggghhh…"_ Crocodile snarled out murderously.

 **-o-**

Sengoku would never admit it, but seeing the state Garp was in when he barged into the office again, his students and Akainu behind him, made him wish that he was putting on his usual show of laughing at the SBS. Or, at least, that the SBS was putting on its normal laughter-provoking performance instead of the horror show that was currently being shown the world over.

"Call an assembly, Sengoku," Garp growled out without so much as a hint of preamble.

"What did you find out, Garp?" Sengoku asked, though given Garp's seriousness the question was probably just a formality.

" _Luffy!"/"Captain!"/_ " _ **Luffy!"**_

Before Garp could speak, he was interrupted by a trio of voices crying out, as well as a single pained and tired one groaning as its owner came to again.

" _What the—Soundbite?! Su, Lassoo, you guys are safe too! That's great! Ah, wait, where am I? Where are_ we? _And where's everyone else!?_ "

" _Welcome to my secret base!"_ came the old man's jovial voice. " _It's been so long since I had guests. Do you like goat's milk?"_

A goat was heard bleating on the other end of the broadcast, to which Gruffy raised his head and bleated as well.

"Goats," Akainu muttered. "Why does it have to be _goats…"_

"It's a perfectly sensible choice for a pet," Sengoku retorted.

"I beg to diff—!"

"That's a point I'm _entirely_ willing to defend, **Sakazuki."** The last words were said with a flash of golden aura.

"… Withdrawn," Sakazuki ultimately whispered, which managed to elicit a slight smirk from Garp, even in spite of the situation.

" _Hey, slimeball, you're not going to bother translating?"_

" **My head's ringing from** _KEEPING YOU TWO comprehensible_. **I'M NOT GONNA RALPH** _ **FOR THE SAKE of a total stranger!"**_

" _Guys, what's going on? Who is this guy?"_

" _Oh, I'm sorry that I didn't introduce myself. My name is Brief, Captain of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates."_

The entire room gave the snail a flat look.

"And I thought that the Alvida Pirates had a stupid name…" Coby muttered.

Akainu snapped a glare at the Petty Officer as he amped up the temperature in the room. "And you aren't down in the Archives digging up anything we have on him and his crew… _why,_ exactly?"

The space Coby was occupying promptly vacated itself.

"That's what I thought."

" _I'm actually in the middle of recruiting right now, but your captain turned down my invitation to join me. Maybe you feel differently?"_

" _ **Why are we**_ **UNDERGROUND?"** Soundbite asked, ignoring the question entirely.

" _Come on, at least acknowledge the request!"_ Brief protested weakly before sighing in defeat. " _Ergh, never mind… anyways, to answer your question, we're underground because it's the only place safe from those lunatics up above. I've dug trapdoors and tunnels all over the island so that I can escape from the Baron's vile clutches whenever I need to. I'm impressed that you found one."_

" _ **Actually, we didn't so much**_ **find it as ONE OF OUR CREWMATES TRIPPED** OVER IT."

There was a brief silence, followed by an exasperated chuckle. " _Well, your crew certainly isn't short on dumb luck."_

" _No, no, we're not,"_ Lassoo deadpanned. " _And going back a bit, from what you said about the Baron's clutches, I'm guessing you have experience with the bastard. Care to share?"_

There was another pause, this one much more tense, and then Brief's sigh came from the other end, followed by footsteps.

" _This is my crew,"_ Brief said, presumably holding out a picture.

"BACK!" Coby gasped as he Shaved back into the room, panting heavily as he held up a folder for his superiors to see. "Toothbrush Mustache Pirates, captain-only bounty of ฿35 million, got it for basically wandering into a restricted nature preserve and causing a commotion when he tried to collect samples from the local wildlife. They were an exploration-only crew about a decade ago. Their membership numbered upwards of three dozen!"

"That's almost twice as big as Straw Hat's crew," Helmeppo noted.

" _They all have the same snot under their noses,"_ Luffy remarked.

"…They also had a very distinctive look," Coby finished lamely.

" _IT'S A TOOTHBRUSH MUSTACHE!"_ Brief snapped.

" _So, the_ **Hitler-stache BELONGS TO** _ **a good guy,"**_ Soundbite muttered.

" _What was that, snail?"_ Brief asked irritably.

" _I SAID,_ _ **where are they?"**_ the snail asked without missing a beat.

"… _I'm alone now,"_ Brief sighed, as much to himself as Soundbite (and by extension, the world). " _I'm currently the only member of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates still alive."_

An uncomfortable silence fell before Brief spoke again.

" _I still remember it clearly. The day the Baron attacked my precious crew. The day my friends were swallowed by that gigantic monster—"_

"MONSTER?!" chorused the three animals.

" _Didn't I warn you that the Baron destroys crews?"_

" _He's going to kill them?!"_ Luffy roared.

" _The first step is already done; the Baron and his crew are well-practiced in sowing discord and hate among even the closest friends. I can only imagine that he works his mysterious powers into it."_

"Of course they're under a spell," Garp growled as he kneaded his forehead. "Why _wouldn't_ my idiot grandson's crew be under a damn spell!?" He promptly snapped a finger and a glare at his now-frozen apprentices. "Not a word outside this office or I'll put you on shit duty until you earn your coats, _and even then."_

Coby and Helmeppo promptly snapped into shaky salutes. "Y-Y-YES, VICE ADMIRAL, SIR!"

Sengoku's lip twitched slightly at the display.

" _The Baron told me something. He said, 'When I see a crew of friends like yours, anger fills my chest. I want to separate you. I want you to experience the same kind of pain I have.'"_

" _The same pain?"_ Luffy repeated.

" _I don't know what his true intentions are, but—"_

" _B-B-BRIEF?_ _ **Wh-what**_ KIND OF monster _**ARE YOU TALKING**_ **ABOUT?"**

"… _All this time, and finally someone actually asks? Well, if you choose to fight, you should know this… but it's quite the disturbing situation."_

" **TELL US!"**

The Fleet Admiral stared at the snail for a second longer before schooling his expression into a thoroughly disapproving scowl. "Aside from your familial ties and the… rather disturbing going-ons being broadcast, Garp, what exactly makes you think that this is worth calling an assemblage over?"

Garp scowled back as he slammed the archive records he had in his hand onto the poor, abused desk. "Baron Omatsuri. Captain of the Red Arrow Pirates, a crew that was last heard from twenty-four years ago. They were a New-World grade crew who rubbed shoulders with the likes of Whitebeard and Roger back in the day, though I doubt that mustached bastard actually remembers him."

Sengoku eyed the pile curiously before glancing at Garp. "It seems like you had a hard time recalling him as well."

Garp snatched up a paper and shoved it in his superior's face. "That's because they were thought to be _dead_ after a Category 10 _hypercane_ threw them and their ship over the Red Line! _Nobody_ should have been able to survive something like that!"

"Well, clearly they did!" Sengoku scoffed.

Garp's eyes narrowed menacingly. "See, that's the thing. I ran into them once back in the day, got a look at their crew. And considering how long it's been since that day…" Garp's scowl deepened. "I actually _don't_ think that anyone survived but Omatsuri."

The strange statement brought Sengoku up short. "What are you—?"

" _The Lily Carnation is a man-eating plant; the Baron calls it 'the flower of death and rebirth'."_

All sound in the office absolutely _died_ at Brief's words.

Brief continued in a lifeless tone. " _It resembles a stem more than anything else, an enormous construct bigger than a warship at the top of the island, and it's there that the Baron gathers the pirates he and his crew hunt down. It… It uses tendrils… to absorb them into the stem, and… and…"_ The pirate… the _ex-_ pirate choked off into sobs.

There was a brief moment of silence before Su suddenly choked in horror. " _Oh… Oh, God, no…"_ She glanced down, presumably at Lassoo. " _Y-You don't think that—?"_

" _I have seen messed up shit, I have smelled messed up shit and I have_ done _messed up shit…"_ Lassoo breathed before shaking his head. " _Never anything like this. Not on this scale."_

" _Eh?"_ Luffy looked around at his non-human crewmates in confusion. " _What are you guys talking about?"_

" _N-N-Now I get it,"_ Soundbite breathed softly, apparently not having heard Luffy. " **Something about** _ **ALL OF THOSE**_ SPROUT HEADS _felt_ **OFF. LIKE** _**they were**_ THERE _but not there."_

" _What?"_ asked Brief and Luffy.

" _The pain_ **he felt…** _THE FLOWER OF_ _ **DEATH AND**_ **REBIRTH** … AND _MUCHIGORO'S_ _ **SHRIVELING!"**_ The snail's expression slowly twisted in horror. " _Fake… it's all FAKE! T-THIS ISLAND, ITS INHABITANTS,_ **THEY'RE ILLUSIONS THE BARON IS USING** _ **TO STAVE OFF REALITY!**_ PLANTS _made to_ _**look like**_ **PEOPLE!** _**AND OTHER PIRATES ARE THE FUEL THAT KEEPS IT GOING!**_ "

The silence in Sengoku's office following that particular revelation was absolutely stunning.

"Permission to faint on the spot, sir?" Coby whispered with a slight gurgle to his voice.

"Ditto…" Helmeppo nodded slightly in agreement.

"Granted," Akainu grunted.

The East Bluers neither hesitated nor waited to comply.

Garp slowly tore his gaze away from the snail to stare at his superior officer. "Well?" he asked frigidly.

Sengoku met his gaze for a minute before looking up at Akainu. "Send word to Kizaru and Aokiji that they are to meet with us in Conference Room B3." He stood up and started marching towards the door to his office.

"We're going to need as many Golden Transponder Snails as we can get our hands on."

 **-o-**

"… _That's an insane theory, but it would explain a lot,"_ Brief finally admitted. " _In my early days, I tried sniping down his crew, but even headshots didn't faze them! But… they seemed confused more than anything. It's possible that they don't even know about it, even if the Baron does. And now that I think about it, I've been on this island for about ten years now, and the Baron's comrades don't seem to have aged even a day."_

"Wh-What fresh hell did this monster crawl out of?!"

Absalom turned a bemused look on his horrified colleague. "What are you getting so worked up about? You make _zombies_ for a living—"

"THAT'S PRECISELY THE POINT, ABSALOM!" Hogback shrieked, sounding a few millimeters away from a heart attack. "I am an _expert_ at the practice of necromancy! I am _intimately_ familiar with the complexities involved in returning an individual from the great beyond! Body chemistry, stability of tissue and psyche! It takes me _days_ to complete even a single marionette, and even after that they require constant upkeep in order to keep their rotting flesh viable!"

Thriller Bark's mad doctor slowly turned his horrified gaze back to the snail in the room. "To be able to create and somehow _control_ what I count as at _minimum_ over a hundred individuals that so perfectly mimic life that none have any suspicions whatsoever, with the sole drawback being nutrition!?" He shook his head slowly. "There are no _possible_ words that could express just how utterly terrifying that monster is on a scientific level."

"AND NOW I _**GET**_ **WHY I** _feel so off, too!_ _ **If that thing**_ **is huge and controlling** THE WHOLE ISLAND, _ITS_ _ **roots**_ _must be sucking up SEAWATER!_ **THE AIR IT'S PUMPING OUT IS** FULL _of salt!"_ Soundbite grimaced.

" _And that explains the smell, too…"_ Su gulped.

" _The whole reason we left the resort and went out to explore more of the island was because the staff reeked of plants. And not just 'farmer or botanist' reek either, that we can handle,_ that's _normal. I mean, they_ _ **innately**_ _smelled like rotting plants. Just…_ disturbing," Lassoo whined.

"Recreated without even knowing that they died… not even aware that they're not even alive," Moria growled, steadily crushing the armrests of his chair beneath his grip. Such horrors, such… _monstrosity…_ The Master of Thriller Bark had committed innumerable acts of evil over his tenure as Warlord, but not even he could fathom the depths to which the man calling himself 'Omatsuri' had fallen, or the levels of madness and despair it would have taken to push him so far.

Suddenly, all attention in the room was diverted by the sound of the door slowly creaking open, admitting the corporeal body of the fourth of the Mysterious Four.

"Perona?" Absalom remarked in surprise. "Huh, I thought it was too quiet. What are you—?" Whatever snide remark the beast-man had up his sleeve died when he noticed the dead look in his comrade's eyes and the desperate way she was squeezing the undead life out of an oddly compliant Bearsy. "Perona? What's wrong?"

"He invited us…" the goth-lolita breathed numbly. "That kappa kid… he invited everyone for a _feast…"_

Before any of the Four could ask what she meant, Brief hummed thoughtfully over the connection. " _If the Baron's purpose is to keep them all alive, that would explain everything. Everyone he keeps inviting to the island is just more food for his crew's reincarnation."_

" _ **CROSS**_ **AND THE OTHERS** _ARE GONNA BE_ EATEN?!" Soundbite bellowed.

" _That's not going to happen!"_ Luffy snapped. " _Thanks for your help, Brief, but I've got a bastard's ass to kick."_

" _Straw Hat, you can't face him alone!"_ Brief shouted, panic coloring his voice.

" _Which is why he won't be alone!"_ Lassoo barked.

" _ **YEAH, we're with him**_ **all the way!"** Soundbite snarled in agreement.

" _Heh, see? I'm not alone, I've got my—!"_ Luffy's voice suddenly cut off, and his transmitted facial expression went slack.

" _Eh?"_ Su blinked in confusion. " _Luffy? You alright, rubber—"_

" _I'm going,"_ Luffy cut in with grim finality. " _You guys wait here."_

" _Wha—Straw Hat, what did I just—?"_

There was the sound of something heavy being moved.

" _Behind the_ **bookcase. WHAT A** _CLICHÉ,"_ Soundbite muttered.

" _It was getting drafty in here, sue me! And Straw Hat waiiiaaaaand he's gone."_

" _Yeah, he does that,"_ Lassoo sighed.

" _And so are we, for that matter!"_

" **MUSH,** _ **dog-breath,**_ _mush!"_

" _Wha—!? GET BACK HERE!"_

Absalom took advantage of the lull in the broadcast to give Perona a confused look. "Yeah, that bit was disturbing, but what does that have to do with—?"

"It wasn't the kappa-kid who said it…" Perona whispered, slowly tightening her grip on the _very_ still Bearsy. "I-I-It was that _thing…_ i-it's intelligent… a-and it's _words…"_

The male members of the Four started to look at one another…

"It said…"

When they were halted by Bearsy's gravelly voice, which Perona said nothing about.

"That flower invited the world to come to its world and _take part_ in a great feast…" the zombie bear whispered.

The men took a few moments to process that statement, and then they reacted appropriately: Hogback started babbling incoherently and sweating like a pig, Absalom retreated to a corner of the room before he began emptying his guts out, and Moria's bone-white complexion flushed in horrified outrage.

"Just what kind of a monster are we dealing with…?" the Warlord breathed.

 **-o-**

[SQUAD SEVEN, REPORT!]

[NO LUCK, SIR! WE INTERROGATED A BAND OF FISHMEN WE FOUND, BUT THEY'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF OMATSURI ISLAND, THEY'VE BEEN SUBMERGED SINCE THE BROADCAST STARTED!]

[DAMN IT!] Captain-nee-Chief Dugong snarled as he slammed his balled flippers onto the railing of his ship, causing the semi-rotten wood to crack as a result. [THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WAITING UP HERE, HUH?! OUR MEN AND ALLIES ARE IN DANGER, DAMMIT, GET BACK DOWN THERE AND DON'T COME UP UNTIL YOU HAVE SOMETHING _CORAL,_ GOT IT!?]

[SIR, YES, SIR!] the dugongs in the water barked before diving back under.

Captain Dugong snorted as he watched bubbles trail up from where the squad had dived before turning around and starting to pace back and forth across the deck. [Come on, come on…]

[Easy, Captain, easy…] a... relatively calm voice prompted.

The Captain huffed in annoyance and glanced to the side. [First Mate Dugong.]

The new second-in-command of the Dugong tribe ignored his captain's frigid tone, instead choosing to continue giving his leader a firm and steady look. [I know you're worried about Boss and his boys, Captain, we all are, but you need to remember _why_ you let them go after they volunteered in the first place,] he chided. [Those five are the strongest in the whole tribe, ranking right below you and me, and I know that _I_ sure never looked forward to sparring with Boss on account of how he was always _just_ a few blows away from beating my ass into the ground. Soundbite might've lost track of them earlier, but he lost track of 'em after they went in the _water._ You know, where we're strongest?] He allowed himself a smile he _knew_ looked more confident than he actually felt. [There's no reason to worry. They're completely _fine._ I… I as close to guarantee it as I can.]

Captain was silent for the longest time as he contemplated the reassurance. Eventually, he started to turn his head towards his second—

[SOMETHING'S HAPPENING!]

[CONNECT THAT THING TO A SPEAKER, NOW!] Captain Dugong roared, snapping his flipper at the Dugong standing watch over the Transponder Snail they'd set up on a dried part of the deck.

After a brief scramble, the unmistakable sound of a skull knocking against metal sounded out for all the listening Dugongs to hear. " _Damn! Bastard! Makes! These! Things! Solid! Where's! The! Damn!_ LATCH!?"

" _ **No clue,**_ **JUST KEEP HAMMERING!"**

" _There you are, you persistent—!"_ Brief's voice suddenly sounded out before cutting out in an exasperated snort. " _Ergh, enough! If you three are so eager on dying, so be it! Just don't haunt me once you reach the other side."_ There was a click of a mechanism releasing, followed by the smash of a trap door swinging open. " _STRAW HAT!"_ Brief yelled as he opened the trapdoor.

" _LUFFY!"_ a trio of voices concurred.

" _WAGH! WHO ARE YOU?"_ came another older man's voice.

" _ **WHAT THE—**_ WHO ARE _**YOU?"**_

" _THE SNAIL IS TALKING?!"_ said the older man, along with a young woman and a boy.

" _There are_ _**other**_ **real people** _**HERE?"**_

" _Oh, it's these guys again,"_ Lassoo noted in mild surprise. " _The Teacup Pirates, right?"_

" _Tea_ room _Pirates_ , _Howlitzer,_ " Su corrected. " _Rose, Rick, Daisy, and Papa. We ran into them earlier with Chopper; slimeball stopped translating for us about halfway through, but we heard enough while we were there. They're hardly pirates at all, in my opinio—_ ACK!" Su's words were suddenly cut off in a yelp of terror.

" _What the_ hell _is that!?"_ Lassoo snarled in equal parts rebellious defiance and terror.

"… _ **Brief**_ _was right…_ THE THING'S A GIANT **FLOWER STALK,"** Soundbite mumbled in an utterly terrified voice.

" _But… where's its_ head?" Su whimpered.

" _Old man."_

But those two calm, quiet words froze all who were listening. Luffy's voice continued in the same apparently calm tone.

" _I have two things to tell you. First, the Dugongs, Su, Lassoo, Soundbite, and Chopper aren't my pets, they're my friends. And second…_ " The look in the Transponder Snail's eye suddenly became downright murderous. " _I'll never let you hurt my friends."_

There was a tense pause in which it became clear who Luffy was talking to. And then the recipient's voice came across.

"… _You'll never let me hurt them?"_ the Baron sneered after a tense pause. " _If you count your pets as your friends, you have nineteen in your crew, correct?"_

Luffy's eyes narrowed menacingly. " _What about it?"_

Soundbite suddenly tensed in horror. " _Oh,_ _ **no…"**_

" _In the time it took you to arrive…"_ A vile, _sickening_ grin extended across the Baron's face. " _That number has been reduced to fourteen."_

The words hit Captain Dugong like a physical blow, causing him to stagger back in dull shock.

[C-Captain!?] one of his subordinates yelped.

[Five…] Captain whispered in a horrified tone of voice. [Fourteen is five less than nineteen...]

First Mate Dugong was shaking his head in desperate denial. [I-It's not possible, _it's not possible!]_

Going by Luffy's suddenly pole-axed expression, the dugong's sentiment was a shared one. " _Wha… What did you say?"_ he breathed in a tone of voice that straddled the borderline of paralyzing horror and apoplectic rage.

" _That band of amphibious animals you had with you when you first arrived,"_ the Baron explained in a tone that could have been conversational, if not for the sheer amount of pleasure he was taking from Luffy's reactions. " _Lily ensnared them in her roots when they decided to explore the bay. Their shells made it difficult for her to digest them at first…"_ The madman's grin somehow widened even further, all teeth and no mirth. " _But she managed it shortly before you arrived. And now… the rest of your crew will soon join them."_

First Mate Dugong barely managed to catch himself from toppling forwards, staring down at the deck in numb shock. [H-He… that bastard actually… _th-they're—!]_

[RAAAAAAGH!]

SMASH! _KEE-RASH!"_

All attention on the galleon snapped over to the now-collapsed mizen-mast, where Captain Dugong's fist was embedded in the shattered remains of the wooden pillar.

[SOMEONE FIND ME THAT GODS-BE-DAMNED ISLAND RIGHT THE HELL NOW!] he howled, both at his crew and the heavens themselves. [FIND ME IT SO THAT I CAN RIP THAT FUCKING BASTARD'S SKULL OUT THE BACK OF HIS HEAD _AND CRUSH IT WITH MY OWN BARE FLIPPERS!]_

[SIR, YES, SIR!] the rest of the crew roared back with nigh-religious fervor.

 **-o-**

" _You… You_ BASTARD!" Luffy roared at the top of his lungs, his voice sounding more like an animal's than a human's.

"Yeah, get him, Straw Hat!" Kureha cheered as she pumped her fist with _far_ more enthusiasm than anyone her age had the right to possess.

" _You said you won't let me harm them, didn't you?"_ the Baron chuckled, as though he were observing the greatest show in the world. " _You'll never let me hurt them…"_ He chuckled again, and then burst out laughing. He kept on laughing even as Luffy reacted.

" _You…_ _ **YOU'RE DEAD!"**_ Luffy roared. " _GUM-GUM—!"_

A whistling sound interrupted his attack, and the sound of rubber striking something hard and a grunt of pain rang out.

" _One arrow,"_ the Baron gloated.

"LUFFY! _That_ **bastard** _ **nailed his hand**_ **TO A ROCK** WITH AN ARROW!"

"Damn, that's not good…" Dalton winced as he rubbed the spots on his shoulders where his ex-comrade had perforated him a few months prior.

"Tsk. This complicates matters…" Kureha growled to herself as she stroked her chin. "Assuming that he's in a bad enough position, he might not have the leverage needed to break the rock, and even then, if it's really a through-and-through, extraction's gonna be a real pain in the—!"

" _What happened to that determined spirit, hm?"_ Omatsuri sneered viciously. " _Ah, and by the way? While you struggle in vain, another one of your friends is disappearing. Another of your pets, the one you called a doctor, I believe?"_

" _S-STOP IT!_ CHOPPER!"

Kureha promptly froze mid-sentence, her mind just... just _stalling_ as it tried to parse the words it had just heard. The witch doctor slowly blinked as she stared at the snail, her brain attempting to reboot.

"…eh?"

 **-o-**

" _Now then, I wonder… Who will be next?"_

"YOU'LL _BE NEXT,_ _**YOU WANNA-BE**_ **NECROMANCER!** _ **Suck it:**_ **GASTRO-** _ **PHO—**_ _YIPE! GRRGH!"_

"Whoa!" Kamakiri reeled back in shock when the Transponder Snail suddenly locked its jaws so that they were only slightly open. "What the heck!?"

" _What do you think you're doing!?"_ Su's incredulous voice managed through the snail's teeth. " _Spit that arrow out and get that bastard puking!"_

"It appears that Soundbite only narrowly missed becoming a kebab…" Laki shuddered fearfully, her hand continuing to stroke Aisa's hair. Ever since the broadcast had emerged from its underground location, the young oracle had been on her knees, clutching her head in agony as she moaned about 'screaming voices'.

Laki was also taking the time to watch over Pagaya's own insensate form. The Straw Hat gunner's father had come over several hours ago in order to join the Shandians in listening to his daughter's adventure on the SBS… but soon after matters had started devolving, Wiper had laid him out on the ground with a well-placed fist to his skull. The Berserker had stated that he'd done it so that he would be spared the old man's whining… but all present agreed that Pagaya's current state was favorable to listening to the ongoing hell the world was being treated to.

"But why hasn't he spit it out yet like the fox suggested?" Wiper said, narrowing his eyes.

" **I can't!"** Soundbite mumbled out through his clenched teeth. " _Thish thing… IT'S STILL PUSHING!_ I 'ET GO, **I DIE!"**

" _I took great pride in my archery skills back in the day, and Lily has only aided me since,"_ the Baron smugly informed them. " _Now, where were we… ah, yes. It would seem Lily has chosen the angel next."_

" _CONIS!"_ Luffy yelled. " _GUM-GUM—!"_

Another whistling sound. Another thudding of rubber against stone.

" _Two arrows."_

" _NOOOO!"_ Su screamed desperately.

Laki's nails broke the skin on her palms as Aisa redoubled the pressure she was putting on her ears, shaking her head in desperate denial. Beside her, Kamakiri was shaking in barely suppressed rage, and Wiper…

"You defeated a _god_ , Straw Hat," Wiper growled, glaring daggers at the snail. "Don't lose to a mere _demon_."

 **-o-**

" _YOU_ MONSTER!" Su roared. " _I'LL RIP YOU TO SHREDS!"_

There was a scrabbling of claws on stone and soil and then a whistling sound that heralded yet _another_ arrow. A whistling that actually continued for a bit. " _HA! NOT SO GOOD AT HITTING_ MOVING TARGETS _, ARE Y—?_ " THUNK! " _AAAARGHHH!"_

Su's shriek of agony wailed out of the snail, and was swiftly followed by the crack of an arrow entering into stone.

" _As I said, I take great pride in my archery,"_ the Baron drawled before glancing back to Luffy.

The dinner rush had long since stopped eating, the patrons paying rapt attention to the snail and its horrific broadcast.

"Damn damn damn!" Carne swore, his teeth wearing his nails down to nubs. "The suspense is fucking killing me! Who's gonna bite it next!?"

"Tsk, calm down, pintsize!" Patty waved a hand with a careless grin. "Come on, I know it looks bleak now, but this ain't the end! All they have to do is keep fighting and they'll pull through, so there's absolutely no reason to—!"

" _It would appear that your cook is the next one destined to disappear."_

" _SANJI!"_

"NO!" Patty slammed his palms on either side of the Transponder Snail, glaring at it with all the heat he could muster. "DAMN IT, SANJI, FIGHT! DON'T GIVE UP, DON'T GIVE IN! SHOW THE WORLD THE PRIDE OF THE BARATIE!"

Zeff, meanwhile, stole away into the kitchen, striving with all his might not to sink to his knees or let his tears fall into his cooking.

 **-o-**

" _Ah, it appears that the dark-haired woman is the next to go. Perhaps she'll be happy being a part of Lily, if she likes flowers so much."_

" _ROBIN!"_ Luffy cried desperately.

" _LET HER_ GO!" Lassoo howled, snarling as he opened his jaws wide. " _CANI—!"_

The Marines listening winced as a thunk followed by an agonized-yet-muffled howl sounded over the line.

" _Heel,"_ the Baron sneered.

" _H-HE NAILED HIM RIGH' THROUGH_ **the jaws!"** Soundbite winced.

Several of the Marines listening subconsciously raised their hands to their own jaws, while in the back of the room Aokiji paused as he realized that Soundbite had failed to blur a name. He considered making a note of it, but ultimately decided to bow his head in shame instead.

 **-o-**

" _And there goes the loud-mouth,"_ the Baron purred, clearly relishing the screams of agony that resulted from all of those present.

" _ **CROOOOOOSS!"**_ Soundbite howled in misery, drowning out Luffy's own cry.

Pinky and the Brain shook with ill-repressed terror as they relayed the broadcast. The broadcast itself was scary enough, sure, but it wasn't the primary source of their fear. After all, compared to the vessel they were on…

If anyone doubted that ships could love their crews, the sight of the Going Merry _trembling_ with agony, screams breathing out of every timber, would silence those doubts forever. Her sails and lines flapped in an unseen breeze, her hull creaked and groaned—and in the dining room where the snails were set up, the translucent form of a young girl in a rain poncho clenched her fists, tears streaming from her eyes.

"No!" Merry yelled, her voice trembling from the raw emotion. "It can't end like this! It can't! You—You promised that we'd sail the seas together!" Against her own volition, her mind flashed back to a stone altar, a man with a lance of fire riding a bird… and just the wrong lurch, and the sickening crack that followed. Merry shuddered as a bolt of agony tore through her back as she clutched the sides of her head in despair. "Fucking _shit!_ I'm your ship! I'm supposed to protect you all! And I can't… I can't…"

She took a deep breath, threw her head back and _roared_. "LUFFY! KICK ITS ASS! SAVE THEM FOR ME!"

 **-o-**

" _If you don't hurry, there won't be anyone left."_

" _STOP IT! GUM-GUM—!"_

Once again, an arrow pinned his limb to a rock. And this time, there was the sound of knees hitting the ground.

" _Since you can't see, I'll tell you: the man with the phallic nose has just died."_

" _USOPP!"_

Merry sorely wished he'd had the foresight to spike his tea with sleeping pills as soon as he received the accurate inkling that this broadcast was going to be a complete nightmare, back when that kappa… or rather, the demon _behind_ the kappa had put on its terrifying display.

As it was, his mistress and the three heirs to Usopp's task of rousing the village were staring at the snail in abject horror, tears and mucus streaming down their faces. Not that he was any better. All he could do at that moment was hope beyond all hope that Luffy would be able to pull off another miracle.

Because if he couldn't, he wasn't sure his mistress would recover this time.

 **-o-**

" _What will you do? Will you fight me with just your left leg?"_

" _GUM-GUM—!"_

A fourth arrow. All of his limbs were pinned now.

" _The other two women and the bird have just disappeared."_

" _VIVI! CARUE! NAMI!"_ Luffy cried.

In two different parts of the world, two fathers, one surrogate but both genuine, suffered heart attacks in response to the broadcast.

 **-o-**

" _You can no longer move in that state,"_ the Baron taunted over the sounds of Luffy struggling on the ground. " _The very last of your friends is starting to fade away."_

" _ZORO!"_ Luffy screamed. A sound of tearing fabric came across the connection amidst Luffy's cries. Then—

" _ **LUFFY!**_ **IF THOSE ARROWS** HIT HIS NECK, _HE'S—"_

From what little the listeners could tell, the Baron, for the first time since the broadcast started, seemed taken aback. But judging from the whistling sounds that followed, it didn't last long before he pulled himself together and started to fire more arrows at Luffy. A few distinct sounds made it clear that they scraped past their mark, but this time, the Baron was _definitel_ y taken aback as Luffy continued yelling and stretching forwards.

" _ZOOOOROOOOOOOO!"_

The expression that the snail was wearing was horrible beyond words: gaping, but out of pure horror and despair rather than righteous anger. It lasted for a few seconds, tears flying out of his eyes, before the sound of Luffy's elongated neck retracting and slamming into the stone imprisoning him came rang out.

The sound of stone breaking then came from two different directions. The snail was expected. But on the recipients' end of the broadcast, all eyes snapped to a certain grave marker, which had suddenly gained a ragged crack.

 **-o-**

"Turn up the volume."

Squardo and Whitey exchanged nervous glances from the safety of a hill several hundred meters away. As bad as the broadcast was, the potent combination of Haki and fire rolling off of Ace was _worse_. Not only were they sweating like a couple of stuck pigs, they had to constantly fight the urge to either flee or faint, with both options all but guaranteeing their deaths by way of barbeque. How their Transponder Snail was still conscious was a mystery of the universe, though the flecks of foam coming from the corners of its mouth hinted that it actually _wasn't_.

"I-It's as high as it goes, Ace!" Squardo called out.

" _Turn. Up. The volume,"_ Ace snarled, the temperature ratcheting up another few hundred degrees, the soil around his feet beginning to _melt_. " _Because that broadcast is the only thing keeping me from stealing one of your ships and going to BURN THAT FUCKING ISLAND TO ASH."_

"Ace, please, be reasonable!" Whitey pleaded.

"Yeah!" Squardo nodded furiously in agreement. "I know that the outlook is bleak, but—!"

" _Straw Hat."_

The subordinate captains paled in terror as the Baron started speaking again, only this time dripping with liquid hate.

" _Your swordsman is dead. Your pets will soon join him. You have no friends left. You are utterly alone on the vast Grand Line."_

"… _Alone?"_

Whitey and Squardo both flinched, their hearts breaking at the sheer despair in Luffy's voice. It was all the opening needed.

"THAT'S IT! HE DIES _NOW!"_

Their _bowels,_ meanwhile, nearly voided themselves due to the literally _apoplectic_ fury in Ace's face.

The fireman prepared to shoot into the air, only for the two other captains to fall on him with all the speed of New World veterans, Whitey gritting her teeth at the sound of sizzling flesh in spite of her pumping as much Haki into her clothes as she could. Acting fast, she snapped a cuff of sea prism stone on the commander's arm.

" _LET ME GO!"_ Ace roared as he flailed beneath his friends, almost managing to buck them off through sheer muscle power alone. " _THAT THING WANTS A FEAST?!_ I'LL GIVE IT A BARBECUE FIT FOR THE OARS JR. PIRATES!"

"Damn it, Ace, stop!" Squardo pleaded. "You won't make it in time! And what if that thing snares you, too?"

" _I OFFICIALLY_ _ **DO NOT CARE!"**_

Squardo shivered as he felt himself come _that_ close to passing out before steeling his will and redoubling his grip on the Commander. "For the love of god, Ace, stop and think for a _second!_ What happened to your faith in your brother?!"

To his credit, the swordsman only flinched when Ace turned his gaze on him. Despite the suppression of his fire, he swore that Ace almost incinerated him anyway. "What."

"Luffy's still there, still fighting!" Whitey hastily cut in as she caught on to Squardo's line of thinking. "If he falls, then you can go burn that thing to ashes! We'll help, hell, _Pops_ will probably help! But until then, have faith, the same faith that let you two both go out to sea in the first place to find your own paths! Because if you save Luffy right now…" Whitey's voice fell into a desperate whisper. "Then he might not ever forgive you."

There was an audible sound of grinding teeth, and then Ace sat back down onto the ground, his face grim. "Fine," he ground out. "Now, take off this stupid bracelet!"

"Yeah, thanks but no thanks. We'd rather _not_ get melted," Squardo drawled, holding up a sweating, red-faced and foam-coughing Transponder Snail.

Ace at least had the good grace to blush at that.

 **-o-**

"Ow, ow ow, ow— _ARGH!_ DAMN IT, SISTER, I'M HURTING JUST AS MUCH AS YOU ARE, BUT WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING!"

"Will you please be _quiet,_ Sonia?" Marigold groused irritably. "In case you've forgotten, we're much louder in our hybrid forms!"

"QUIET!?" Sandersonia snapped a disbelieving stare at her sister before gesturing at her seething and squirming coils. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to restrain one of the _Warlords of the fucking Sea_ here! A Warlord, I might add, _who kicks like a Sea King_ _and is hitting a burn I got on our last outing!"_ She directed the last bit at her elder sister. "I'm going to be sporting bruises for weeks on end once this is done!"

"And you think that this is _easy!?"_ Marigold scoffed as she gestured at the half-conscious Transponder Snail she was holding in her palm. "You only need to worry about keeping yourself conscious, whereas if _I_ slip up even once, our Transponder Snail will go under and then we'll _really_ be in trouble!"

"Yeah, well—!" Sandersonia started to snap back before pausing as a new sound started coming across the connection.

It had been silent following the Baron's declaration to Luffy, aside from Soundbite, Su, and Lassoo all whimpering quietly. But the new sound… it sounded joyful, celebratory… like a party. Like the one that had drawn the Straw Hats to the island in the first place.

"They're alive again… _and they have no idea that anything happened…_ " Marigold whispered in horror.

At that moment, the only thing worse than their older sister blowing her top happened: her struggles and Haki both cut out instantly. The two serpent-sisters exchanged confused looks before Sandersonia _slowly_ uncoiled her tail enough to reveal their sister's face.

And the look in her eyes promptly caused Sandersonia to snap back to her human form and grab Hancock's shoulders before she could collapse lifelessly to the ground. "She's gone back, she's gone back, _why has she gone back!?"_ the largest of the siblings babbled desperately.

"I-I don't…" Marigold started to shake her head in denial, but then froze and started to slowly look down at the snail, sickening comprehension dawning in her mind. "Oh… oh no… th-the sound of cheering… at someone else's _pain—!"_

Sandersonia's eyes widened in comprehension. They then started widening even _further_ as mortal terror steadily crept into them. "I-I-I think… I think _I'm hearing it too…"_ she mumbled in horror, sinking to her knees.

Marigold's affinity for Armament Haki ensured that she had more composure in regards to the hellish memories of their past. But that did little to help calm her two sisters, or to change the fact that those memories were described as hellish for a _damn_ good reason. So, before she herself could break down, Marigold fell back on the fail-safe they had long since devised for just such a situation, snapping her fingers to her lips and blowing out a harsh whistle.

In a blur of red and white, Salome dove down from where he'd been perched in the rafters and struck swiftly and decisively, sinking his fangs first into Marigold's shoulders, then Sandersonia's. Mari grit her teeth while Sonia cried out in pain. She snapped upright, snarling briefly before exhaling sharply and nodding her thanks to the giant serpent, who then moved towards his mistress. It wasn't so simple for her; a harsh reminder of reality was enough for the snake Zoans, but considering the abuse that the Love-Love Fruit had invited… if anything, all that that treatment would do was aggravate the situation, rather than alleviate.

And so it was that the three serpents embraced Hancock, doing their best to reassure her that she wasn't alone...

" _M-My friends… give them—!"_

Even as miles away, one Straw Hat Luffy continued suffering through his own nightmare.

 **-o-**

A sound that the viewers easily identified as stomping on someone's head came across the connection. All of the executives winced. Hardened pirates and criminals they might have all been, and atrocities aplenty they might have committed, but even for them, this level of cold, hard, _concentrated_ brutality was hard to listen to. Mostly because they weren't the ones inflicting it, for once.

"Fuffuffuffu… I like this Baron Omatsuri's style," Doflamingo chuckled. "I don't know what Straw Hat is seeing, but it has to be horrific. And losing all his crewmates like that in front of him, one by one, and powerless to stop it…" His grin widened malevolently. "Always a classic."

" _Does it hurt to be without friends?"_

" _HE'S NOT WITHOUT FRIENDS YET!"_ Su snarled, the sound of grunting and muffled howling indicating that Lassoo was backing her up.

" _Cut_ _ **the**_ **LIES!"** Soundbite roared, as much as he could with his teeth occupied.

Things were silent for a few seconds until the snap of fingers sounded out. Then… Then the screaming started anew.

" _YEARGH!"_ Su shrieked in terror. " _WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE—!? GET-GET OFF,_ LET GO OF ME!"

" **RAT-FUCKING-BASTARD!"** Soundbite raged with unholy fury.

Lassoo's muffled whimpers and yelps became increasingly frantic alongside the protests.

" _It seems that you pets represent your captain's hopes as much as his crewmates do. In that case, what I must do is crush each and every one of them. Now, watch and suffer as you lose these mediocre excuses for crewmates."_

" _SOUNDBITE! LASSOO! SU! NO, LET THEM GO!_ LET THEM GO!"

" _I won't,"_ the Baron coldly informed him. " _I will take them like I have taken the rest of your crew, and there is nothing you can do to stop me."_

" _ **YOU FUCKING—**_ MMPH!?" Soundbite's vitriol-fueled words were suddenly cut off without warning, thus silencing Su and what little coherence Lassoo had in the process.

" _This is the reality of your situation, child: you have lost. Totally and utterly."_

" _THAT'S—!"_ Luffy started to curse before breaking off into harried panting. " _That's… That's not true…"_

" _You have lost all of your friends,"_ Baron Omatsuri drawled in a tone of voice that belied _years_ of experience. " _No matter how much you struggle or deny it, that reality will never change. What are you going to do now? If you decide to go on, a life of suffering, despair, and loneliness is all that awaits you. Or… will you decide to follow your friends?"_

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me…" Doflamingo mused. "The fact that I can't see this at all… Fuffuffuffu, the imagination runs wild, doesn't it? It must be torture for the rest of the audience." Doflamingo's grin somehow became even more evil as he digested that idea. "Well, a good idea is worth stealing, after all. I would be remiss as the world's prince of darkness if I didn't take the opportunity to add to my… repertoire, wouldn't I? Fuffuffuffuffu."

Doflamingo either didn't notice or didn't care that, judging from the fact that he was the only one in the throne room, his executives lacked his ability to appreciate the sheer magnificence of the torture. And even if he had, his only reaction would have been to pity them for being so close-minded.

 **-o-**

The following sound indicated that Luffy's head fell to the earth. He struggled briefly to get back up, but the sound of rubber being roughly squeezed indicated that the Baron had picked him up.

" _Let me paint you a picture. Almost every captain has chosen death over living in solitude. That is a wise decision. One man cannot be a pirate alone. Now, I will ask you again: what will you choose? Life or death?"_

The only response… was silence. Silence that was louder than words could ever hope to be. Finally, Luffy let out a soft grunt of pain before he fell to the ground. Footfalls indicated that the Baron was stepping back.

" _As I thought, being alone is too painful for you to endure."_

" **BWOOOOOH! BWOOOOOH!** _ **BWOOOOOOH!"**_

Crocus flinched and glanced out the door of his lighthouse as ear-splitting howls of agony started crashing down over the Twin Capes. In any other situation, he'd have told Laboon to quiet down so that he could keep listening properly, but now… now he wasn't so sure that he _wanted_ to hear anything further.

"Damn it, Omatsuri…" he breathed grimly. "Is this _really_ what you think your friends would have wanted!?"

As if in answer, the sound of a bowstring being drawn taut filled the air like a death knell.

" _Then die."_

Crocus grit his teeth, almost angry enough to try tracking down that island where the snail was… broadcasting… wait a minute, Soundbite had been snared by that monster, why was the broadcast still going?

That question was answered by the sound of the earth suddenly collapsing and the Baron gasping in shock.

" _What on earth—!?"_

" _BARON!"_

Crocus sighed in relief when Laboon's cries were silenced, courtesy of Brief's voice hollering defiance.

" _YOU!"_ the Baron snarled in frustration.

" _I won't let you hurt this man!"_ Brief roared. " _And thanks to this device you foolishly missed!"_ There was a clanking sound that signaled that Brief was holding up something metallic. " _You'll never harm another person in the world again!"_

The Transponder Snail flashed an expression of fury for a moment before falling back into cold indifference. " _I might not know how that device functions, or how it is capable of bypassing my beloved Lily's interference…"_ A flash of evil passed over the vile man's face, and the sickening twang of a bowstring sounded out again. " _But I do know that it won't function without a snail to broadcast."_

Crocus shot upright in shock. "Soundbite!"

" _DON'T YOU DARE, YOU—!"_ Brief started to shout—

KABOOM!

" _WAGH!"_

When he was suddenly cut off by an air-shattering explosion slamming through the connection.

" **PWAH!"** Soundbite gasped in relief. " _WHAT THE_ _ **heck—!?**_ AGH! _**LASSOO! SU!**_ **NOOOO!"**

" _Tsk, so the mutt managed to wrench its jaws open and blast you free, hm?"_ The Baron clicked his tongue sourly. " _Well, no matter. He and the fox are being consumed as we speak, and soon so will—!"_

"THIRD PANEL FROM _**the left,**_ **the gray octagon!"**

" _What—?"_

 _ **BWAAAAAAAAAH!**_

" _GYARGH!"_

"SONNUVA BITCH NOT AGAIN!" Crocus roared as he clamped his hands over his ears, Laboon keening in agreement.

" _HEEHEEHEE_ **HOOHOOHOO** _,_ _ **I think I could come to LOVE**_ **THAT THING,"** Soundbite said in a tone that was equal parts fervent and dizzy.

"WE KNOW!" Crocus and Laboon bellowed back with equal fervor. At the same time, though, Crocus was grateful for that Laboon-worthy noisemaker, considering that, if the scramble of feet through a tunnel was anything to go by, it had apparently provided the necessary distraction for Brief to abscond with the transceiver and Soundbite.

"Damn cocky snail…" Crocus grumbled as he tentatively poked at his eardrums for a second. He then allowed himself a kindly smile. "Still. As much as I hate him, I am glad to hear that he's not hurt."

" **BWOOOOOH!"** Laboon bayed anew, only this time he was communicating an entirely different emotion.

 **-o-**

The sound of Brief and Soundbite rushing through the tunnels continued for a few moments before they slid into another room. " _How is he?"_ Brief asked.

" _He's hurt pretty bad—HEY!"_ began an older voice, the captain of the Tearoom Pirates, up until the sound of shaking someone's body came across the connection

" _Wake up, Straw Hat—"_

" _ **ALLOW**_ ME," Soundbite snarled. " _ **Here's hoping a generalization works…**_ _LUFFY! WAKE UP RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANT A FIST OF LOVE!"_ the snail belted out in a gruff old man's voice.

"AH! I'M UP, GRAMPS, I'M U— _huwha?"_

In a dilapidated shack on the slopes of Mt. Corvo, a certain mountain bandit chief cocked an eyebrow curiously. "Well, now I'm a bit conflicted…" Dadan mused to herself. "On the one hand, it's good that they were able to use Luffy's trauma to snap him out of it, but on the other hand, that pretty much just spilled the beans on who Luffy's grandfather is to anyone who's familiar with Garp."

"I think we can worry about that _after_ he's out of that hellhole of an island," Dogra grit out. "And that's if he can bounce back after losing his whole crew…"

" **SNAP OUT OF IT,** _ **LUFFY!**_ **"**

Magra allowed himself a hopeful grin. "Somehow, I don't think that that's going to be much of an issue."

" _Eh? Soundbite! Y-You're alright! But… But everyone else…"_ Luffy trailed off, his voice cracking.

" _ **NO!"**_ Soundbite belted out desperately. "Y-YOU CAN'T GIVE UP HOPE, LUFFY, _YOU CAN'T!_ _ **I-IF YOU GIVE UP…"**_ The snail's eyes started to tear up in despair.

" _Damn it all, Straw Hat!"_ Brief belted impudently. " _Where's your determination, eh, where's your will to fight!? You need to stand up! You need to fight for your crew!"_

" **What crew?"** Soundbite spat, the venom in his voice thoroughly diluted with depressed sorrow. "THEY GOT _**eaten. THEY'RE GONE…"**_

" _So you say, but_ she _says different!"_ Brief countered.

" _Yes, they're still alive! I can hear them!"_ came a girl's voice out of the blue.

" _Huh?"_ Luffy blinked in confusion. " _Who're you? And what're you talking about—"_

" _ **She—SHE'S**_ RIGHT!" Soundbite said in equal parts shock and euphoria. " _I-I CAN_ **hear their** _ **VOICES!"**_

"Eh!?" the leaders of the Mt. Corvo Bandits yelped, leaning backwards in shock.

"Is this for real?!" Dadan breathed, her cigarette getting steadily worn down to a nub.

"B-but I thought he said the salt was messing with his head!" Magra questioned.

" _Eh? What about the salt?"_ Rose of the Tearoom Pirates asked that very same question.

"AH… **ah,** _**different kind of**_ **HEARING. MY NORMAL SKILLS** _ **ARE STILL**_ BORKED, BUT THIS…" Soundbite shook his head solemnly. " **There's no blocking this."**

" _Can't you hear them? Listen!"_ the girl insisted. " _Mister Reindeer and Mister Doggy and Miss Fox are calling for you! 'Luffy, Luffy!', over and over again! And lots of other voices too! Though, one of them is saying a lot more than that…"_

" **HAHAHA!"** Soundbite cackled ecstatically. " _EVEN ON THE BRINK_ _ **of the void,**_ **Cross is slingin' shit** _ **LIKE A DAMN CHAMP!"**_

" _Please don't swear around my children!"_ Papa Tearoom protested.

"BUT HOW ARE THEY STILL— _OH, OF COURSE!_ _ **The damn weed's**_ **TRACT** _ **MUST BE**_ _SLOW-ACTING_ **SO IT CAN SUSTAIN** **the illusion during** _gaps between crews!"_ Soundbite reasoned, ignoring the man.

" _Ergh! 'Go to the Grand Line', they said, 'It'll be a fantastic family bonding experience!' they said! Last time I take family bonding advice from a girl offering therapy for five flipping berries!"_ the patriarch of the 'pirate' family grumbled before lowering his voice. " _And, ah, Daisy, was your hearing always this good?"_

" _ **Is now really—**_ **EH? What the—!** _OhfuckINCOMING!"_

A series of distant explosions and close-up tremors came across the connection, and then Brief spoke again. " _Looks like I've outstayed my welcome. Tsk, fine by me, I don't intend to die on this island! Alright, listen, Straw Hat: you can't just recklessly charge at the Baron's arrows. Use the underground routes I dug, I'll back you up. Just do as I told you and rush towards that strange flower!"_

" _You…"_ Luffy began.

" _You forgot this,"_ Brief interrupted, the sound of scrunching straw indicating he'd given Luffy back his hat. " _Don't let the Baron's lies affect you, you're not alone yet! You still have a chance to save your friends, understand? And… I'm here with you, too."_

" _THAT'D_ **mean a lot more** _ **if you weren't**_ _HOLDING YOUR FINGER_ UNDER YOUR NOSE **LIKE THAT,"** Soundbite deadpanned.

" _The snail's right. You're talking about life and death with your finger across your nose?"_ said Papa.

" _That's just weird,"_ said a younger male that had to be Rick.

" _SHUT UP! This is the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates' sacred traditional greeting!"_

"Heheh, I think I'm starting to like this old man!" Dadan snickered to herself.

"Though really, who ever heard of a salute as stupid as that, eh?" Magra asked.

"You mean aside from that stupid handshake you tried to make us all do a few years ago?" Dogra muttered sarcastically.

"I WAS DRUNK OFF MY ASS, DAMN IT!"

"IT WAS THREE HOURS LONG, THERE'S NOT ENOUGH BOOZE ON THE ISLAND TO JUSTIFY THAT!"

"YOU DAMN LITTLE—!"

 _SLAM! SLAM!_

"WILL YOU MORONS KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!?" Dadan bellowed. "IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED, OUR BOY'S FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE OUT THERE!"

 **-o-**

" _Alright, I'll get going,"_ Luffy announced with grim determination. " _Old man, you look after Soundbite, alright?"_

" _Of course,"_ Brief nodded firmly before adopting an annoyed expression. " _And for the record, I'm 42! You try living on this island for years on end and not let the stress get to you!"_

The only response he received was that of Luffy running off.

There was a brief silence before Soundbite swiveled his eyestalks to the side in a flat look. " _ **We're going AFTER HIM,**_ RIGHT?"

" _Smart snail,"_ the… _relatively_ old pirate laughed as he started running himself.

"Looks like Straw Hat's going to get out of this after all!"

"Of course he is! It's nothing now but a straight-up fight, and he won't give those monsters an inch this time! He's going to win!"

"Anyone wanna put any money on him winning?"

"Not a chance!"

For the first time since the goldfish catching game, the patrons of Takoyaki 8 were thoroughly enjoying the broadcast. Luffy had his confidence back and friends backing him as he tried to save his crew from a man-eating plant and put an end to that monster of a man. And this time, the support in the game was unanimous.

Soundbite's broadcasting faltered slightly here and there, Luffy popping in and out of the holes in the ground, along with Brief and his goat distracting them. Then came the moment where Brief used a dummy of straw that Soundbite had been funneling Luffy's voice into, successfully tricking and then distracting the Baron and making him attempt to play whack-a-mustache with his arrows. Tension began mounting as the sounds of the trapdoors opening became closer and closer to the arrows' impact.

Until, finally—

 _BOOM!_

" _Agh!"_

" _ **GAH, MOTHER—**_ THAT STINGS!"

One of the explosions was accompanied by Brief and Soundbite's cries of pain.

" _Now, stay in that hole!"_

There was a sound of movement amidst the settling dust. " _Baron,"_ Brief growled, weak but firm. " _Don't mess with me. If you think you can take friends away from anyone you please, you're dead wrong! As of now… I'M ONE OF HIS FRIENDS!"_

" _ **I'LL DAMN WELL**_ ENDORSE _THAT claim!"_ Soundbite roared in agreement.

The Baron chuckled cruelly. " _Friend? How delightful! Straw Hat!"_ Omatsuri's expression swapped over to a more vicious tone as he glanced away. " _Listen well! This man who claims to be your friend was once the captain of a pirate crew that I annihilated! A man who pleaded for mercy! A man who wretchedly shook in fear at the thought of being alone! Why would you let such a pathetic insect be your friend?"_

" _ **HEY!**_ _I AND_ TRANSPONDER SNAILS EVERYWHERE _**RESEMBLE THAT REMARK!"**_

Omatsuri's snarl deepened. " _That snail again… you should learn when to_ respect your betters!"

There was that strange organic sound that had accompanied every instance of the bow arrow being nocked before, and then the snail's eyes snapped open in terror as the same noise multiplied itself almost two dozen times over.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" Soundbite demanded incredulously. " _ **JUST HOW**_ **fucking bullshit** _is that damn_ _**flower?!"**_

" _Why don't you observe for yourself, hm?"_ And with that, there was the twang of a bowstring and a _chorus_ of shrieking whistling.

Within moments the arrows made impact… but not on flesh. The only sound heard was metal sinking into stone.

" _ **DENIED!**_ NICE SAVE, **LUFFY!"**

" _Wha… Straw Hat?"_ Brief asked. There was a sound of stone cracking, likely from being used as a shield. Then…

" _RaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!"_ Luffy screamed. A moment later, there was the sound of a fist making impact, and the Baron let out a cry of pain before being sent tumbling away.

"Nyu, nice one, Luffy!" Hachi pumped his fists triumphantly. "Now do it a thousand times more!"

"Come on, guys!" Keimi cheered as she waved around a pair of fans she'd dug out of somewhere. "Like the dugongs! GO, STRAW HAT, GO! GO, STRAW HAT, GO!"

"GO, STRAW HAT, GO!" the patrons of Takoyaki 8 cheered in agreement. "GO, STRAW HAT, GO! GO, STRAW HAT, GO!"

 **-o-**

"Straw Hat certainly seems to have every ounce of will that we thought he did," Hina remarked as she chewed on the butt of her cigarette.

"And thank the heavens that he does," T-Bone stated as he bowed his head solemnly. "For should even the will of one such as Monkey D. Luffy be capable of breaking, then what hope do we have of finding any measure of success in our endeavor?"

Hina scowled grimly, unable to find anything with which to counter the question.

" _I told you before…"_ Luffy huffed grimly. " _I WON'T LET YOU HURT MY FRIENDS!"_

" _F-Friend?"_ Brief asked timidly.

" _Mustache!"_ Luffy promptly grinned, the cheer in his voice making it obvious that he had his finger up in a salute.

"… _Mustache!"_ Brief echoed joyfully.

" _Mustache!"_ Rose, Rick, and Daisy contributed.

" _GET BACK DOWN HERE, YOU THREE!"_ Papa protested.

" **YEEEAAAAH, I have no arms** _and some measure of DIGNITY,_ _ **SOOO…"**_

"… _You are an unlikeable little gremlin."_

"THAT'S MY SCHTICK, _**AND I STRIVE**_ **TO WEAR** _ **it out!"**_

"The sooner, the better, I say," T-Bone muttered.

"Mm… Hina begs to differ," the female captain disagreed with a slight smirk. "Annoying as he can be… it's at least comforting to find some measure of familiarity in all this madness, no?"

As gaunt as his face was, T-Bone just couldn't hide the smile he too was sporting.

 **-o-**

" _Should have seen that one coming. Anyway… Straw Hat!"_ Brief barked authoritatively. " _Go give that demon-weed hell!"_

" _You_ BASTARDS! _I'll feed you to Lily in_ PIECES!"

" **HE'S UP!** _ **GOGOGO!"**_

" _RIGHT! EVERYONE! I'M COMING! HANG ON!"_ Luffy roared at the top of his lungs. His voice swiftly became far off, but it remained clear as crystal nonetheless. He bellowed at the top of his lungs, a bestial noise of pure rage more than anything.

"Ha! Go, Straw Hat boy!" Queen Ivankov cheered from his stage in his makeshift kingdom, leading his 'citizens' in encouraging the rookie pirate, however far away he was. "Pluck that weed's petals, free your crew! HAHA!"

Soon enough, there was the sound of stretching, un-announced, as a name wasn't needed. This wasn't an attack, just a strike of pure, righteous _vengeance._ A second later, there was a sound like a titanic slab of meat being pounded, and then a second, even stronger than the first.

And then…

" _GIVE ME BACK MY CREW!"_

An earth-shattering crash came across the snail. And then came the sound of something like wood breaking apart.

"Ivankov! The monitors!"

At Inazuma's shout, the entirety of Newkama Land turned to face the screens, which were displaying all the same image: a massive, stem-like structure that was beginning to break in the middle, and a human figure that they could barely discern as Straw Hat Luffy beside it.

"…I guess Soundbite-boy learned a new trick. That, or his emotions are peaking enough that he—"

" _Wait!_ "

The image turned back towards a small group of people clad in red headgear with a mushroom-like Jolly Roger on each, alongside a man with a toothbrush mustache who could only be Brief.

" _The voices are coming from somewhere else now,_ " said the youngest girl, to the surprise of everyone listening. Soundbite's gaze snapped back at the stem… and let out, though on the volume of a whisper, what could only be described as a scream. And not a single person watching could blame him.

For looking closely, where the stem broke, with the full moon shining as red as blood in the background, everyone could see what composed the massive structure: thousands upon thousands of arrows, hovering and quivering in midair, what little light there was glinting off the sharp heads.

" _Where are Zoro and all the others? Where are they?!_ " Luffy yelled. Then, slowly, Soundbite's gaze turned in another direction, tortured, rambling whimpers coming from him as his eyes fell upon the soulless form of Baron Omatsuri, standing with a dark smile on his face and blank white eyes as black spots appeared on the face of the flower on his shoulder, reminding many present of some very unpleasant diseases.

" _Right here._ "

Those two words sent chills down every spine on the floor. And then Omatsuri tossed his bow aside, and the flower on his shoulder began to grow and contort.

Emporio Ivankov had the power of the Horm-Horm Fruit. He was no stranger to gore. He was no stranger to mutations. He was intimately familiar with any number of strange contortions within the human body, and was an expert at causing and healing them himself. He had as much tolerance for the worst that biology, and meat in general, could dish out as the most experienced surgeons in the world did.

And when he saw the Lily Carnation's true form, he could do nothing but retch.

 **-o-**

"…What the fucking hell."

Nobody in the Blackbeard Pirates so much as batted an eye at their leader's swearing. How could they, with the vile biological symphony that had met their ears? Even after sailing so long with Doc Q, that had been a unique and, as the stain on Burgess's shirt demonstrated, _nauseating_ experience.

"… _ **It was the flower. The flower was wrong. I-I-I didn't believe it, I knew that Cross said it was powerful but it was so small and innocent and I thought it was wrong but I was wrong, it's wrong, that thing, i-it's wrong wrong WRONG!**_ **IT'S DIGESTING THEM!"**

The disgustingly organic gurgles and squishes, accompanied by the occasional crack of snapping bone coming over the connection had pretty thoroughly backed up Soundbite's latest scream. And with that, only Blackbeard managed to keep his lunch down, and he glared at the snail murderously.

"Straw Hat… _slaughter that monster_ ," he snarled.

 **-o-**

For the first time since they had known him, the Revolutionaries saw their leader thoroughly shocked. And not a single one of them was surprised; the half-digested forms of Luffy's sixteen crewmates seemed to run together, limbs sticking out at random, their eyes blank black sockets that seemed to weep black sludge if you looked at them too long, and their mouths open in silent screams. This macabre sculpture of agony and horror connected back to the gaping, monstrous head of the Lily Carnation. The cute flower was gone; all that remained was a bleached, spotted head drooling green slime, an expression of hunger on its face, and a tinkling giggle coming from its mouth, a sound more at home in a kids' puppet show than the horror before them.

"I can hear them…" Dragon quietly ground out. "They have no mouths… and yet they scream."

As one, the Revolutionaries blanched. And through it all, Omatsuri… just laughed. A dark, sadistic sound that reverberated through the bones and organs of all who heard it. It was quite clear that he was enjoying every second of this. Then, abruptly, he stopped, and spoke a single word.

" _Die._ "

The image snapped back towards Luffy, who was staring at Lily Carnation with a gaping, horrified expression that would have been comical in just about any other situation. But not this one. The horrific scene before them, the whispered agony coming over the speakers, the absolutely _terrified_ expression on their Transponder Snail… it sucked up humor, consumed all emotion until nothing was left but deep, soul-crushing despair.

And that scream…

"LUFFY! _**RUN!**_ **THE ARROWS!** "

The entire room gasped as they saw every arrow, every last one of the _thousands_ of arrows scattered beneath the blood-red moon, begin to soar towards Luffy. And the worst part was that Luffy didn't run; he only slowly began to turn towards the storm of complete death that soared towards him. Actually, no. The worst part was the glimpse of his face everyone caught. Dull. Lifeless. The arrows… they were merely finishing a job already complete. It was a face they were all _far_ too familiar with.

And as one of their number took in the sight, something in his brain snapped, and he realized _exactly_ what he was seeing.

"LUUUUUUUFFYYYYYYY!" Sabo screamed as the arrows struck.

 **-o-**

Every man and woman in Makino's bar that had retained consciousness and found the courage to stay in earshot of the snail came to immensely regret that decision over the next full _minute._ The only sounds that filled the bar were the unmistakable din of thousands of arrows crashing to the ground, more every second, and Soundbite's agonized wailing. Then Omatsuri spoke again.

" _Every single one of those arrows symbolizes a day of loneliness I endured after that storm. They are the number of the regrets I have suffered at suddenly losing every one of my beloved crewmates."_

Nobody in the bar could they bring themselves to care as the Baron confirmed Soundbite's theory; all they could think of was that this man and his monster—no, _these monsters_ , had killed Luffy. All of those arrows, and from Soundbite's wailing, they could only imagine how many of them Luffy had endured. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the sound of the hellish rain ceased, leaving only Soundbite's sobs to fill the numbing silence.

" _LUFFY!_ **LUFFY!"**

Makino's lip bled from how hard she was biting it as tears streamed down her face, and not a single patron of the bar, not even Woop Slap, no matter how hard he dug his fingers into his own arm, had dry eyes.

"Luffy…"

 **-o-**

" _Have you had a glimpse of what I've endured?_ "

The sheer _force_ that filled the room where the screen was broadcasting Soundbite's vision was suffocating. Borsalino was sweating bullets, a nervous look in place of his typical expression. Kuzan was shivering from the sheer chill of the willpower. Even Sakazuki was panting from the effort to stay conscious; only Sengoku and the immunized Transponder Snail were fully able to withstand the unbridled _rage_ and _agony_ of Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, and even then Sengoku was sweating furiously and the snail was only half-conscious.

Garp's fists were blackened, his teeth almost cracking from how much he was grinding them, and his eyes… looking into his eyes, every last Admiral and Vice Admiral knew the very meaning of fear.

" **How dare you do this to my grandson…** " he whispered with all the force of a tempest, earthquake, and firestorm rolled into one.

"Garp… you already _know_ that we're going to invoke the greatest Buster Call in history on Omatsuri Island as soon as this broadcast ends," Sengoku stated, frowning heavily; for all that the Straw Hats had been thorns in his side, and for all that he _thoroughly_ expected an order to leave Omatsuri Island alone from the Elder Stars due to the fact that its owner—and indeed, perhaps its sole living inhabitant—seemed to solely target pirates, _no one_ deserved to go through what he was witnessing now. Absolutely _no one._

"Buster Call? _No…_ that's too hands-off," Garp snarled. "We can destroy the island after I've _ripped that monster apart WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS!"_

"As you wish, Garp," Sengoku consented; there could be no more just a course of action.

 **-o-**

The submarine-ship of the Heart Pirates was deathly silent as its inhabitants stared at the sobbing snail before them.

There was no other noise to be heard, no monologuing, no screaming, just… sobbing. Tears of misery and desperation, bubbling up from the snail without end.

So frozen were they all that none made to stop Bepo when he silently stood up and started to shuffle towards the snail, reaching for the mic…

"Room, Shambles."

"GAH!"

When suddenly the silence was broken by a pained yelp, on account of Bepo and the previously-seated Penguin swapping places unexpectedly and Penguin falling on his ass.

"Captain…" the bear Mink started, glancing at his captain uneasily.

"Don't touch that Snail," Law ordered, never shifting from his position with his elbows balanced on his knees and his hands folded before his face.

"Law, look," Penguin sighed as he rubbed his aching posterior. "We know you've been eyeing the Straw Hats as potential allies, but they're _done._ Luffy got hit by… damn, I don't even _know_ how many arrows—!"

"One-hundred seventy-four direct hits, sixty-six nicks," Law summarized emotionlessly.

Penguin took a moment to shiver before spreading his arms helplessly. "My point exactly, captain. I'm sorry, but he's—!"

"Not dead."

"Law—!"

"Both lungs punctured, stomach pierced numerous times, his small and large intestines as well, numerous lacerations to his muscular system, broken ribs, collar bone, humerus, radiuses, ulna—"

"Law, what are you—?!"

"Those are all the places he _was_ hit." Law's crewmates froze at the statement. "Brain, heart, kidneys, spinal cord… any injuries to these locations would have been instantly fatal." Law's knuckles became white as he tightened his grip. " _None of them were hit."_

Everyone was silent until Bepo swallowed and raised his hand. "Aye, Captain, but—!"

"His body hasn't hit the ground, Bepo."

"— _erk!"_ The mink and the crew as a whole stiffened in realization.

"His body. Has yet. To hit the ground," Law repeated tonelessly, his glare never leaving the sobbing snail. "Once it does, _then_ it's hopeless. But until then…"

Suddenly, a minute, _shuddering_ gasp so light it could have been a death rattle wafted over the connection, and the snail snapped its eyes open in shock. " **LUFFY!"**

"This. Isn't. Over."

 **-o-**

"Not yet over…" Basil Hawkins muttered to himself as he fretfully re-shuffled his deck with shaking hands, his natural calm well and thoroughly broken. "How can it possibly not yet be over?" Once he finished mixing up his cards, he carelessly tossed them onto the table he was sitting at, staring at the results that showed up in bewildered confusion. "How… this is… inconceivable…"

"C-Captain?" one of his subordinates noted nervously, watching his captain's actions over his shoulder.

"The Four, Six, Nine and Queen of Wands," Hawkins read off, more to himself than his crew. "The Magician, The Chariot, Strength, the Wheel of Fortune, _The Star itself…"_

"W-What does it mean, captain?"

Hawkins scowled as he covered his mouth in thought. "All cards that indicate hope, victory and positivity, forcing themselves to the top of the deck…" He then flipped over the deck he was holding, and displayed the final card that would have been played. "While the Tower, the card of disaster, relegates itself to the bottom of the deck every time, all while reversing itself every time I look at it, to boot…"

"I'd say you're just not shuffling well, voodoo-man, but for once I actually _agree_ with those parlor tricks of yours!"

The fortuneteller twitched at the familiar voice that broke his concentration, and offhandedly glared at its source as he swept his cards back into his deck and started to shuffle again. "Kidd."

The punk-styled pirate captain that was sitting at the counter of the bar, his almost-empty bottle nestled in a deep dent in the wood, glared daggers at the sobbing Transponder Snail that had everyone's attention. "You heard how hard that dumbass was fighting," Kidd growled acridly. "If you think that a few arrows being stuck in him now will stop him, then you are dead _wrong!"_ He punctuated the statement by splitting the bar with his fist.

Kidd huffed heavily for a few seconds before holding out his hand to the slightly nervous barkeep, who promptly filled it with a full bottle.

"That moron's not dead yet," he growled with finality. "And I won't accept that he's actually lost until I see it with my own two eyes! WHO'S WITH ME!?" he roared, lifting his bottle up high, a motion that was reciprocated by his first mate and the rest of the crew.

As if in response to the show of support, someone spoke on the other end in a clear voice, that of a young girl.

" _Don't lose! Mister Reindeer and the others are still calling you! 'Luffy, you can do it! Luffy, you can do it!' They're cheering for you! So… So don't lose!"_

The voice echoed through the complete silence in the bar. Even Soundbite's sobbing stopped, though the snail's expression made it clear that he was only barely suppressing them. Then… another sound rang out across the connection.

 **-o-**

Jewelry Bonney tensed furiously, her hands balling up in the tablecloth of the table she was sitting at, sweat pouring down her face.

Clicking and clacking echoed through the silent air, every sound as loud as a gunshot. Some were ignorable, wood against wood, arrows knocking against one another as Straw Hat moved… but others… metal against metal. Metal against _bone._

Bonney had stopped eating long before things had gotten this bad, her appetite banished by the sounds of one of the best crews on the Grand Line self-destructing, but this…

Bonney bit into her lip, eyes starting to water at the sting of the bile creeping up her throat, beckoned ever closer by the horrendous clicking.

These noises, the _images_ they conjured _,_ threatened to bring up every meal she'd eaten in the past 24 hours.

And just when it seemed like she was about to lose the fight against her own body another sound came across. A susurrus, like a breeze blowing through the branches of a dead tree, rustling nothing. Like wind brushing across the cold stone tombstones of a cemetery. Like the final breath of a dying man giving up the fight against his fate. But none of those were fully accurate… for the sounds were coherent, a chorus of voices calling out in whispers a singular message.

" _Luffy… Luffy… Luffy…"_

Bonney froze as she heard the voices, coming so close, _so close_ to completely and utterly emptying herself…

Before raising her fists and _slamming them_ on the tabletop, followed by her swallowing _hard_ and forcing every last speck of her stomach's contents back into place. The instant her airway was clear, she started to bellow furiously.

"COME ON, STRAW HAT!" she cried, causing her crewmates to jump in shock. "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF PATHETIC DISPLAY IS THIS?! YOU KICKED GOD'S FUCKING ASS, KICK THIS PSYCHO'S TOO! WIN, FUCKING DAMN IT! _WIN!"_

 **-o-**

"YOU CAN DO IT, LUFFY! SHOW THAT BASTARD WHAT IT MEANS TO COME FROM MOUNT CORVO!" Dadan yelled. The rest of her boys were no less exuberant.

"RIP HIM TO PIECES, LUFFY!" Dogra snarled.

"POUND THAT BASTARD'S SMUG SMIRK SIX FEET UNDER!" Magra roared.

"GO, LUFFY!" came the raucous chorus that echoed through the entirety of Mount Corvo.

 **-o-**

The swordmaster's outward quiet belied the anxiety he felt, clearly evidenced by the sweat on his face, serious enough that he hadn't even bothered to replace his glasses. But nobody else in the dojo had anywhere close to as much control as he did.

"GO, STRAW HAT, GO!" screamed one boy.

"SAVE ZORO! SAVE YOUR CREW!" bellowed another.

And much the same came from every other student. Koshiro's fists clenched as he forced himself not to join in just as exuberantly—or worse, to grab his sword and the nearest ship to go _chop that island in half._

 **-o-**

"COME ON, BOY!" Genzo roared as he tried desperately to leap to his feet.

"SHOW THE STRENGTH AND GUTS YOU HAD WHEN YOU BEAT ARLONG!" Nojiko yelled over her shoulder before returning her attention to pressing down on Genzo's shoulder and keeping him pinned in his bed. "And as for you, stay _still!_ You suffered a heart attack, you need to rest if you want to get better!" She then leaned in close to Doctor Nako, who was on the other side of the bed and helping her fight to keep the de-facto leader of Cocoyashi down. " _He_ will _get better, right?"_ she hissed beneath the cheers of the crowd outside.

"I'M FINE, I FEEL BETTER THAN I HAVE IN YEARS! NOW LET ME UP SO THAT I CAN CHEER PROPERLY! GO, LUFFY! BASH THAT BASTARD'S SKULL IN!"

"DO IT, BRAT, WIN!" Doctor Nako shouted out the door of his practice before scrabbling to strap down one of Genzo's limbs as he glared at the ex-soldier. "That's the pain medicine talking, Genzo, the only thing that will make you better is time!" He then leaned close to Nojiko. " _Are you kidding? After having a heart attack at his age? He's lucky to be alive!"_ he whispered back.

"I'VE RESTED MORE THAN ENOUGH, WHAT I _NEED_ IS TO BE ON MY FEET! NOW LET ME UP ALREADY! WHACK THAT WEED, STRAW HAT!"

"UPROOT IT AND SAVE MY SISTER, DAMN IT!" "Please, Genzo, we're only doing this because we care about you!" " _Well, how bad is it then!?"_

" _End this nightmare, Luffy!"_ "Listen to Nojiko, Genzo, you shouldn't push yourself like this!" "WE'RE PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE TO OPERATE!"

"HE'S PUSHING HIMSELF FOR NAMI, AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I DO— _WAIT, WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"_

"…Whoops. Ah… _hey, look, a fishman!"_

"WHERE?!"

 _CRACK!_

" _Pretty colors…"_

"…How often do you do that?"

"Almost every other week, and not all on him. Having a common phobia is _useful!_ Now, back to business: KEEP GOING, STRAW HAT!"

 **-o-**

"SAVE CAPTAIN USOPP! SAVE THE STRAW HAT PIRATES!" the Veggie Trio yelled, tears streaming down their faces from bloodshot eyes.

"FIGHT, LUFFY, FIGHT! WIN! YOU CAN DO IT!" Merry cheered, fans in hand.

"SAVE USOPP, LUFFY! SHOW THAT HE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE IN FOLLOWING YOU!" Kaya screamed, fighting through her weakness.

And the entirety of Syrup Village shouted along with them.

 **-o-**

Zeff was straining both of his legs as he sped through the restaurant, tirelessly filling the orders of the customers, preparing them, sending them to their tables, taking the payments and dishes, washing them, and repeating the process. Despite the sweat coursing down his face, so much so that his well-braided mustache was beginning to droop, he had no intention of doing it any other way except for alone. And why was that, when they were in the middle of a massive rush despite the nauseous show they were listening to, and with no shortage of chefs?

"BEAT IT TO THE GROUND, STRAW HAT!" "POUND IT TO PIECES LIKE KRIEG'S ARMOR!" "PLUCK THAT THING'S PETALS!" " _SAVE SANJI!"_

Because the rest of his staff was busy with cheering on the most incredible pirate he had seen since he retired. And considering the fact that he wanted nothing more than to do that cheering himself, he had little choice but to allow the rest of them to do it instead while he, the only one who was capable of keeping a level head through this, took care of the business.

" _Win, Straw Hat, WIN!"_

But that didn't stop him from hissing encouragements under his breath whenever he got a moment alone.

 **-o-**

"SHOW WHAT THE WILL OF D. IS ALL ABOUT, STRAW HAT! SAVE YOUR CREW! _SAVE MY SON!"_

The humans watching paused briefly in their cheering to gape at Kureha, who had joined in after a few seconds of trembling silently, her expression ferocious and tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Doctor Kureha—" Dalton began in shock.

"FUCK MY VANITY, I'M PAST THE POINT OF CARING ABOUT DENYING IT!" Kureha roared. "MAKE THAT MONSTER PAY, STRAW HAT! DON'T YOU DARE DIE ON US NOW!"

Everyone else gaped for a moment more before they raised their own voices to the rose-colored heavens.

"GO, LUFFY!/GO, STRAW HAT!/YOU CAN DO IT!"

 **-o-**

"GET THEM, STRAW HAT! YOU DEFEATED A WARLORD, DON'T LOSE TO AN OLD MAN AND A GLORIFIED WEED!" Cobra roared.

"SIRE, YOUR BLOOD PRESS—GAH!" Pell attempted to protest before wincing as Cobra rapped his official Royal Rod over his skull.

"DAMN MY BLOOD PRESSURE, MY LITTLE GIRL IS IN DANGER!"

"SIRE, THAT ROD IS AN ANCESTRAL HEIRLOOM DATING BACK TO—!" THWACK! "—YEOWCH!" Igaram cut himself off in favor of hopping around on his un-struck foot as he cursed up a storm.

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CARE HOW OLD THIS THING IS!? ALL I CARE ABOUT IS FENDING YOU JACKALS OFF SO THAT I CAN CHEER ON LUFFY! _WIN, DAMN YOU, WIN!"_

Kohza's eye twitched slightly as he peered around the doorway to the throne room. "And he is _how old_ again?"

Chaka slapped a hand to his face with a groan as his commander in chief managed to nail his fellow Guardian with a well-placed gut shot. "On that fine, fine line that separates 'too old' and 'not old enough'." Nonetheless, he lowered his hand the following moment, a dark look on his face. "But quite frankly, I can hardly blame His Majesty under these circumstances. Straw Hat is making good on his promise to protect Vivi or die trying. And I hope beyond all hope that he's strong enough to make it through this." He then cocked an eyebrow at Kohza. "How come you're not panicking just as much as him, by the way?"

Kohza swallowed heavily as he redirected his gaze to the Transponder Snail with stoic silence, catching his best friend's whisper in the quiet pleas every time he strained his ears. "Because pleading acknowledges the possibility of defeat, which would mean that I'd have to accept that Vivi is _gone…"_ His knuckles turned white as he gripped the doorframe. "And I just don't think that I'd be able to survive that."

 **-o-**

"DON'T FALL TO SOMETHING LIKE THIS!" Wiper roared. "YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THAT, STRAW HAT, YOU CAN WIN!"

"SEND THAT DEVIL OF A PLANT BACK TO HELL WHERE IT BELONGS, LUFFY!" Gan Fall bellowed in agreement.

"COME ON, CAPTAIN! YOU CAN'T FALL, I HAVEN'T JOINED YET!" Aisa shouted at the top of her lungs.

"PIEEEEE! PIEEEEE!" Pierre screeched, regretting for the first time that he didn't have that embarrassing voice that the snail gave him anymore; he would give anything to voice his support.

"JULALALALA! JULALALALA!" Nola herself cried to the heavens, uncaring of whether she was understood or not. All she cared about was that she was losing her friends _again,_ only this time she wasn't going to let it happen silently. This time… this time she would be _heard._

 _ **CLAAAAAANG! CLAAAAAANG!**_

The rest of the inhabitants of the island worked tirelessly to ring the Fire of Shandora in support for Luffy, their cries of support singing out as much as the bell itself.

 **-o-**

"DESTROY HIM, LUFFY!" Ace roared, sending up a pillar of flames that was almost _biblical_ in scale.

"GIVE HIM HELL, STRAW HAT!" Squardo concurred, waving his sword in the air in agreement.

"ALL CANNONS, FIRE AT WILL!" Whitey bellowed at the Baby Transponder Snail she was holding, prompting her crew on her _Tsarina_ to scramble to man the warship's copious armory. "FILL THE AIR WITH AS MUCH NOISE AS YOU CAN! I DON'T CARE HOW FAR AWAY HE IS, _WE ARE LETTING HIM KNOW WE'RE RIGHT THERE WITH HIM!"_

" **AYE, CAPTAIN!"** chorused the crew. And if it wasn't visible from Omatsuri Island, then enough people saw it that the world would soon know that these certain followers of the strongest man in the world were supporting the rubber warrior.

 **-o-**

"LUFFY, DON'T YOU DARE LOSE NOW!"

Every Revolutionary present in the Baltigo command center was staring at their Chief of Staff in stunned surprise as he practically _throttled_ the nearest Transponder Snail. He had nearly blacked out upon seeing that many arrows had hit Luffy, though his scream beforehand was no small shock to everyone present.

Or rather, almost everyone.

"He's your younger brother, isn't he?" Dragon asked quietly.

Sabo's fingers cracked the snail's shell as he and the rest of the room looked at his leader. Slowly, he released the gastropod and forced his hands to his sides, his fingers digging into his palms and tears starting to fall down his face.

"And he hasn't changed a bit in the last ten years," Sabo confirmed. "He always does this, rushing into danger without even thinking. He never would have made it out of childhood if Ace and I hadn't been there."

"'Ace'?" Koala repeated numbly, her brain stalling as she tried to process what that meant. "Do you mean—!?"

"Better known nowadays as 'Fire-Fist' Ace of the Whitebeard Pirates," Sabo confirmed before snapping his attention back to the screen and gritting his teeth. "LUFFY, DON'T YOU DARE LOSE NOW! IF YOU DIE RIGHT AFTER I REMEMBER YOU, _I'LL CRAWL INTO THE UNDERWORLD SO THAT I CAN KILL YOU AGAIN MYSELF!"_

Dragon quietly turned away. And as soon as nobody could see his face, he allowed it to contort murderously.

' _I know you won't lose, Luffy… but if you don't kill that monster for this, then I will.'_

 **-o-**

The entire island metropolis of Water 7 had fallen silent in response to the SBS broadcast, the horrors following the hope leaving every soul unable to speak, even as Straw Hat began stumbling. But at the moment the whispers of his crew began to come through…

" **COME ON, STRAW HAT!"**

The town suddenly jumped when Franky's voice _boomed_ over the island like the voice of Poseidon.

It took Iceburg a second to get his wits back, but once he did he stared up at the spout of water, blinking at the speck of a person he could see framed by the spout. "Huh… so he actually managed to get that water-based amplifier working. I just thought that was hot air."

Kalifa shakily readjusted her glasses. "Should I send some men to start dismantling it?"

" **YOU MANAGED TO BEAT CROCODILE AND YOU MANAGED TO BEAT GOD, ARE YOU REALLY GONNA LOSE TO A WEED!? BEAT THAT BASTARD, SHOW THE WORLD JUST HOW** _ **SUPER!**_ **YOU ARE!"**

Iceburg was silent for a second before allowing himself a grim smirk. "Give him five minutes."

" _ **SUPER!"**_

The mayor's eyes widened as he noticed a crack starting to trail up the glass of his windows. "Then tell them to do their worst."

 **-o-**

"ANNIHILATE THAT EXCUSE FOR A FLOWER!" Marigold roared.

"CRUSH IT TO DUST, STRAW HAT!" Sandersonia screeched.

"LET THAT MONSTER FEEL THE PAIN IT INFLICTED, STRAW HAT LUFFY! SEND IT TO HELL!" Hancock screamed.

Even from the palace, the Gorgon Sisters' screams of support carried throughout the island. But it wasn't that strange that most of the Kujas failed to notice…

"GO, STRAW HAT!"/"WIN!"/"SAVE YOUR CREW!"/"KILL THAT MONSTER!"

Considering that they were being no less vocal in their support. Even Elder Nyon was raising her voice for the first time in… basically forever. Yet, among a more quiet minority closer to the snail, a small group of amazons were on their knees, taking in every plea that they heard from the trapped group, a susurrus of support coming from their mouths. One of the warriors was _particularly_ fervent at that.

"Quetzalcoatl, Apophis, Nagaraja, Set, Ouroboros, Asclepius. Great heavenly serpents, hear my pleas," Marguerite whispered, her head bowed and hands clasped in prayer. "I realize that our tribe has not worshipped any of you in countless generations, but nonetheless, I _beg_ you: show this man your favor!" She shook her head desperately. "Whether or not most men are as evil as the Princess and her crew say, I know not, and at this moment I do not _care._ But this man… Luffy…" Tears slowly trailed from the Kuja's eyes in spite of her determination to hold them back. "Please, I beg of you… let him win… let him _live."_

The prayers continued in the same vein for a minute that took up an eternity, before all at once, they fell silent as the noises from the broadcast changed: Luffy wasn't moving anymore, but his quiet, pained breathing persisted, indicating that he was still alive in spite of it all, and the Baron's own breathing had accelerated dramatically. Then Daisy's voice came again.

" _Yes, just like that! They're all with you, all the way!"_

 **-o-**

" _Daisy, can you really hear their voices? Papa can't hear anything,"_ Papa said, audible in the sudden absence of cheers.

" _To tell you the truth, I heard everything you told Mister Reindeer, Mister Doggy, and Miss Fox behind that grave earlier this evening."_

Papa gasped as Daisy continued. " _My hearing is naturally adept. I can hear even the tiniest sound. But I pretended not to know. You're always trying so hard to keep us happy."_

"… _Daisy,"_ Papa breathed, thunderstruck by his daughter's words.

" _But I believe that you really are strong!"_

A pause, and the snail's expression conveyed a single tear about to fall from a shocked face. But he blinked it away before it could leave his eye, his lip trembling for a moment. Then he smiled. " _Of course,"_ he said with more confidence than he had shown before. " _Papa is strong!"_

"Aww…" Tashigi crooned kindly.

"Is now really the time?" Smoker huffed with a cocked eyebrow.

"Forgive me for trying to find a speck of light and hope in all this darkness!" the ensign snapped at her superior, before promptly paling as she realized just what she'd said. "Ah, f-forgive me, sir?"

Meanwhile, over the connection, Soundbite seemed to be trying to out-cynical Smoker. "HEARTWARMING, _truly!_ _ **Now if only you'd do it later—!"**_ There was suddenly a gurgling growl as the revived Transponder Snail's expression twisted into something _monstrous._ " _ **WHEN YOU'RE NOT RISKING DRAWING THE DAMN MONSTER'S ATTENTION!?"**_

Smoker grimaced. "Damn it, that's not good."

Suddenly, without warning, the sound of running came across the broadcast, as well as one of the kids calling after their father.

"WHA— _WHOA!_ _ **Papa Tearoom**_ _grabbed the Baron's_ BOW AND ARROW! _**HE'S TAKING AIM!"**_

A sound of shaking, the arrow trembling against the bow, and then a gasp of shock and fear.

"FUCKING—! _COME ON ALREADY, YOU CAME THAT FAR!_ _ **FUCKING FINISH IT**_ **!"**

The demonic plant's tinkling purr came across the connection, clearly setting its sights on Papa. And from the snail's expression, the older man was scared out of his wits.

" _You can do it, Papa!"_ Daisy encouraged.

" _Papa!"_ Rose and Rick agreed.

" _Papa, shoot! Shoot!"_ Daisy urged.

"DO IT, _OLD MAN,_ **DO IT!"**

"Come on, come on…" Tashigi pleaded as she clasped her hands desperately.

Papa cried out, a sound of equal parts desperation and determination. Then a snap as the arrow flew free. Whistling came across the connection for a few seconds…

And then the most graphic and grotesque sound they had heard for the last several years rang out. It was the clear sound of metal and wood piercing flesh, and guts spilling out of it, alongside the plant's weakening laughter. And it was _music_ to their ears.

" _AH! LILY! AH, LILYYYYY!"_ came the Baron's cry.

"YES!" Tashigi whooped as she threw her hands up victoriously. "HE DID IT!"

Smoker grinned viciously around his cigar. "Now they just need to finish the job."

" _Y-Y-YES! YES YES_ **FUCKING** _**YES!**_ **PAPA TEAROOM** _ **DID IT!**_ _THE PLANT'S A PILE OF_ GUTS! _AND—_ what the— **I CAN HEAR** _ **EVERYTHING NOW—AND**_ **THE ARROWS** _ **ARE GONE!**_ DISAPPEARED! **LUFFY,** _ **DON'T FALL OVER YET!**_ "

The disturbingly wonderful sound of plant guts and blood falling to the ground echoed out, followed by the Baron's voice.

" _How could this happen to you?"_ he blubbered, sounding as though he was sifting through the guts. " _But now, Muchigoro, my crew, my friends, they'll all…"_

The sobbing subsided, and his voice became downright demented.

" _Unforgivable…_ _ **UNFORGIVABLE!**_ _I'LL—"_

A loud splash drew everyone's attention. Omatsuri gasped in what sounded like horror. Then, with a scream of pure rage from Luffy, his fist connected with enough force to break the very air. The Baron's body was heard tumbling for several seconds before it finally subsided. A few more seconds of silence. And then…

"… **He's** _ **dead,"**_ Soundbite said firmly. " _The Baron. HE'S_ DEAD."

And just like that, the mood in the cabin swapped from joyous to utterly shocked.

"He… he actually did it? Luffy killed him?" Tashigi breathed.

Smoker was contemplatively silent for a moment before exhaling a cloud of smoke as he allowed himself to relax. "No… no, he didn't. Omatsuri died along with his crew. The only thing alive on that island was the plant. That… _person_ was just another one of the ghosts it was keeping in existence."

Tashigi faced her superior with a neutral expression before exhaling. "…I'm not sure I would have been able to hold anything against Luffy for it even if he was alive," she admitted softly.

Smoker shook his head with a sigh. "You and everyone else in the world, Ensign." He gazed at the transponder snail hiccuping on the crate. "You and everyone else."

 **-o-**

"How depressing," a sword-wielding old man said nonchalantly. "Such a useful pirate trap, not only dismantled but dismantled before it could remove one of our greatest thorns from our side in a permanent manner. What a waste."

"But possibly a waste we can salvage. We should see about recovering the parts remaining of that plant and sending it to Vegapunk," mused a relatively younger man whose hair yet remained blond. "If we could recreate the entity for ourselves, the benefits would be innumerable."

"Highly unlikely," sighed the tallest of the old men, whose beard and mustache were split into three different points. "I'm certain that Sengoku, sentimental fool that he is, has already issued the orders for a Buster Call on that island, and I have no doubts that he would disregard any orders to do otherwise." He grimaced and pinched the bridge of his nose as a familiar headache flared up in his skull. "At the least, _Garp_ certainly would. And aside from that, if the earlier broadcast was any indication, it targeted pirates only for the sake of convenience. I have no doubt that the only reason it didn't consume Omatsuri was that he was a perfect pawn; as depressing as it is to lose such a convenient weapon, this would be a beast far too wild for us to hope to control properly."

The other four of the Elder Stars scowled, but silently conceded the point nonetheless.

"Still, that being the case, perhaps we can use the fact that Straw Hat Luffy killed Omatsuri to our advantage," rumbled the one with a staff whose hair was styled in dreadlocks. "He hasn't killed before now, but now that he has we can prove that he is no better than any of the other scum that roams the seas."

"That's equally doubtful," growled yet another, birthmarks on his forehead, a large mustache on his face, and regret clear in his voice. "The world will no doubt sympathize with the surviving fool's plight, and rejoice in the demise of the man who had tortured him and so many others before him."

" _Brief… the Baron…"_

The five of them turned their attention back to the snail as Straw Hat's weakened voice rang out.

" _He's gone now,"_ Brief reassured him softly. " _He'll never destroy another crew thanks to you."_

" _Hi… his crew…"_ he breathed. " _Are… are they on… the island…?"_

" _What do you mean?"_ Brief asked in confusion.

" _There's a large graveyard on this island,"_ Papa spoke up. " _That must be where the Baron buried his crew long ago."_

Luffy inhaled several times before forcing out, " _Please… bury him… with his crew…"_

" _STRAW HAT?!"_ Brief exclaimed.

" _ **ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"**_ Soundbite raged.

" _After everything he's done? Why would you do such a thing?"_ Papa demanded.

" _He… was alone in life. He… shouldn't be… alone in death. No one… deserves to be alone…"_ Luffy breathed.

A pause.

" _ **Luffy…"**_ Soundbite said in awe.

" _Let… him be with his… crew."_

Another pause.

" _Mister Reindeer, Mister Doggy, and Miss Fox were right about you. You are a great man."_

The atmosphere in the room was thunderous.

"Well, this is just perfect, isn't it?" the sword-wielder asked sarcastically.

The youngest of the five shook his head with a scowl. "Any chances of us turning the world against Dragon's son have just become _nil._ _Perfect."_

The mustachio's scowl matched his compatriot line for line. "I so very _hate_ D.s…"

 **-o-**

" _Before I take his body_ … _Soundbite? I think I remember you saying that your broadcast reaches the entire world, right?"_

"Yeah?"

" _May I…?"_

" **Take** _the speaker_. _SAY_ WHATEVER YOU WANT."

A short pause followed by the sound of fumbling with the microphone. And then…

"… _People of the world. My name is Brief, Captain and sole member of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates, and until today, unwilling inhabitant of Omatsuri Island. I had never thought it possible that I would be able to do this, but with the opportunity presented me now, I intend to share the truth of what this island truly was, utilizing what I have learned over my years as a prisoner here… and the final pieces I've put together today._

" _Twenty-four years ago, a powerful pirate crew known as the Red Arrow Pirates was caught in a horrible storm. Their ship wrecked on this island, and the only survivor was Baron Omatsuri, the captain. On this island… he met a demonic, sentient plant known as the Lily Carnation, the flower of death and rebirth. The Lily attached to him in a form of symbiosis, and used his memories to create golems of his former crew, in exchange for food. Baron Omatsuri trapped himself in an illusion with his crew still alive, and set up this entire island as a masquerade to lure crews to. The plants, the landscapes, the staff, the Baron's arrows… pure illusions, created by the Lily._

" _He sent out the sole Eternal Pose for the island time and again. Each time, a new group of pirates came and were tested by his Ordeals. At the same time, their bonds and minds were poisoned by the Lily, its influence present throughout the entire island. And after they were broken, they were swallowed alive and digested. This is the fate that befell my crew; the Baron made me watch it, and he spared not one of them despite my pleas. Unable to escape, I made my home in the underground of the island, safe from the Baron. Over the years, I watched many crews come to the island and fall prey to the Lily, despite my efforts to save them. The only group of pirates to escape was the Tearoom Pirates."_

A new voice took his place.

" _I am… well, call me Papa. I am the captain of the Tearoom Pirates… and I confess that I was a coward until today. We escaped the Goldfish Catching game and went into hiding on the island when we could not escape. My crewmates, my children, gave me the strength that I needed to be strong today, and with their help, along with the help of the Straw Hat Pirates, I slayed the Lily Carnation."_

Brief spoke again.

" _Monkey D. Luffy of the Straw Hat Pirates is the only man ever to face everything that the Baron could throw at him and triumph. We played only a small part in his victory. Crucial, I confess… but small. He now lies here, exhausted and greatly injured, but having succeeded in saving his crew. All of them are still alive. He has triumphed, and no more crews will ever fall victim to this most horrible of fates. Yet, I ask that for those of you who listen, for all of the men and women who came to this island only to be broken and killed more cruelly than imaginable… may they rest in peace now that they have been avenged."_

Sengoku frowned before slowly reaching for the snail.

"What are you doing?" Garp asked quietly.

"A number of things that I never would have expected to do in my life," Sengoku replied, dialing a specific number. A moment later, the snail on the other end picked up.

" _Who's_ _ **calling**_ _?"_ Soundbite mumbled, his usually perky and energetic voice subdued and weary.

"This is Sengoku, Fleet Admiral of the Marine Corps."

Dead silence fell on both ends.

"By my authority as head of the Marines, I hereby grant complete amnesty to all remaining members of the Toothbrush Mustache Pirates and the Tearoom Pirates for any crimes committed to this date, for their role in ridding our world of a great evil. And to Monkey D. Luffy, captain of the Straw Hat Pirates…" He paused as he gathered his thoughts and prepared himself for what he was about to say. "While outright amnesty is unfortunately more than I can grant to a crew that has caused as much of a stir as yours, I would be willing to offer you the position of Warlord that has been vacant since Crocodile's dismissal. The Five Elder Stars would doubtless be furious at me offering the position to a D., of all people, but considering what you have done, I would regardless be willing… were it not for the fact that I'm certain that you have no interest in the position."

The image of Monkey D. Luffy smiled and let out a weak chuckle. " _No way. I already told Whitebeard, the Pirate King can't have a boss._ "

"That's what I thought," Sengoku stated, a ghost of a smile on his face. "I'm sending a fleet to find that island and ensure that any lingering traces of that monster are obliterated, so I suggest that you leave as soon as you and your crew have recovered. Consider this warning my thanks."

Sengoku made to hang up the snail, but Garp reached out to take the speaker. The Fleet Admiral allowed him to take it, and he spoke.

"Luffy… it's Gramps," he said quietly, tears streaming down his face. "I saw and heard everything. You fought incredibly. I… I'm proud of you, and I'm so glad that you're still alive."

" _Heh… thanks, Gramps. Me too. So, does this mean you're alright with me being Pirate King?"_

"Tch… cheeky brat," Garp chuckled weakly. "We'll talk about that when I'm _not_ too happy to think straight. Expect me to pay you a visit as soon as I'm done making sure that _monster_ never comes back."

With that, he hung up the snail.

 **-o-**

The six officers of Navarone remained silent as the sounds of the SBS slowly diminished, none on Omatsuri Island able to spare the thought that the broadcast was still going on, but nothing came through now apart from a welcome silence.

Finally, the red-haired man broke the silence, turning to his wife. "I believe that we've received all the indication we need, Jessica. Do you agree?"

The head chef of the base gazed at the fitfully sleeping Transponder Snail in the room for a moment before giving her husband a firm look. "Personally, Jonathan? Considering what we had to do to get to this point, I was ready to agree the moment I saw the proposition." She smirked wryly. "I'm glad some of your fisherman's patience has rubbed off on me over the years, because there's never going to be a better opportunity to change things than this."

Drake shot confused looks between the top two of G8 in nervous confusion. "Ah… Excuse me, Commander, Chef Jessica, but… what are you talking about?" he asked in concern.

The married couple exchanged glances before focusing on the lieutenant commander. "Tell me, Drake: do you know the difference between a good Marine and a decent Marine?" Jessica asked.

Drake blinked, looking puzzled. "Uh… the difference in how well they do their jobs?"

"To an extent, that's true..." Jonathan nodded slightly as he conceded the point. "But... tell me, if I were to define it for you as such…" He opened a drawer in his desk, withdrawing the letter he had received from Cross and reading the significant section out loud. "'A good Marine follows his orders to the letter and sacrifices everything for the sake of Justice, while a decent Marine sacrifices everything for the sake of all… _even_ Justice, if it comes down to it.'" He gave his officers a significant look. "If I were to define it like that… which would you want to be?"

The officers glanced at one another as they tried to think things over for a bit before ultimately snapping to attention. Drake in particular looked Jonathan dead in the eye as he folded his arms. "Obviously I'd choose to be decent when you put it that way. Anyone in Navarone would say the same."

"Ourselves included," Cormac nodded, Holger and Henrick nodding in agreement as well.

"Then let me ask you something else: are you willing to prove it, even if it means risking your life at the hands of the ones you serve?" Jonathan asked, getting to his feet and staring his officers in the eyes one by one, his expression dead serious. "I've been asking myself that question ever since the Straw Hat Pirates left this base, and at this point, I've found my answer. Akainu alone is proof that the Marine Corps isn't everything it should be; I tricked him into believing that I supported his brand of Justice, and that's the only reason I'm still alive. I'm going to see what I can do to put a stop to it. The question is… Drake, Cormac, Henrick, Holger, are you all with me?"

The four of them stood there, staring slack-jawed at their commanding officer. It was a testament to the men's loyalty, however, that it was only a few seconds before they snapped into salutes.

"I will follow the Justice that you see fit to follow, Vice Admiral Jonathan," Drake stated firmly.

"Sir!" the other three officers chorused as they snapped into uniform salutes.

"Good. Then let's find out what this is all about," Jessica said, dialing the number on Cross' letter into the Transponder Snail. A few rings later…

" _Pisces,"_ stated a female voice.

"Who am I speaking to?" Jonathan asked, ignoring the oddity of what she said.

"… _Password?"_

Jonathan blinked, and glanced back at the note, only for Terry and Isaiah to earn his attention with their cries. The pair of them hastily wrote out a note, which Jonathan read out loud. "Um… Old Spice?"

" _Correct. Vice Admiral Jonathan of Marine Branch G-8 on the island of Navarone?"_

"Speaking. Also present are my officers, Lieutenant Commander Drake, Lieutenant Cormac, Ensign Henrick, and Chief Petty Officer Holger, and my wife, Navarone's head chef, Jessica."

" _And what do you consider yourselves to be?"_

"We are decent Marines, ma'am," Drake stated firmly, the other three echoing him.

"As he said," Jonathan stated. The snail smiled.

" _You have no idea how happy and relieved I am to hear that,"_ it sighed in relief, but then grimaced. " _On the other hand, Cross is never going to let us hear the end of this one…"_

A sterner expression came across the snail's face.

" _It's a small price to pay for something like this, Tashigi. Vice Admiral Jonathan. I am Commodore Smoker, codename Cancer, one of the cofounders of the organization MI4…"_

 **-o-**

On a certain island in an ocean that most would consider to be the end of the world, a certain pirate crew were morosely sitting around. The SBS broadcast hadn't ended, but little but silence had come after the two amnested pirate captains left to bury the Baron, to the point that their snail had fallen asleep, both to their and its great relief. None of the humans, though, had been able to fall asleep that night, still worried about the Straw Hat Pirates' fate; dead though the monsters were, Luffy was still heavily injured, and the rest of the crew had been in the midst of digestion. And so they were left to wait until dawn crept over the horizon.

" _Aaaah…"_ the snail suddenly yawned, snapping all attention back to it as it slowly woke up and spoke in a voice that the world had feared (and hoped) was silenced. " _Damn, that was a nice nap! I haven't slept so good in a while!"_

" _Tell me about it, Cross, I didn't think that the Merry could be… so… wait a second…"_ Nami's voice trailed off in confusion rising in shock. " _This isn't the Merry! Where are we!? And what the hell am I wearing anyways!?"_

" _You!? What about me!?"_ Vivi demanded. " _I look like a porcelain doll, and—! And… Carue, why are you sniffing me?"_

" _Because fo' sahm weason, you smeww wike wiwacs and wivah weeds."_

" _Wait, what!? Desert Goddess Number 12!? I swore that I'd only ever wear this concoction on my deathbed, and even then they'd have to fight my undead corpse to get it on me!"_

" _Well, I, for one, think that it smells delightful on you, my dear princess~!"_ Sanji cried jubilantly.

" _Maybe that's exactly why she_ doesn't _want to wear it, shit-cook."_

" _REPEAT THAT, MOSS-FOR-BRAINS!"_

" _Rise and shine, boys, we've slept long enough! WAKE UP!"_ Boss barked, followed by four splashes in swift succession. "' _Scuse me, I gotta go and teach these dipshits the penalties of sleeping in. Be right back!"_ And just like that there was yet another splash.

" _Will you guys please calm down already!? You're giving me a headache, my head's_ pounding _for some reason!"_ Usopp pleaded desperately. " _Also, has anyone seen my goggles!? I can't find them anywhere!"_

" _Mister Reindeer!"_ Daisy cried happily.

" _Wha—AH!"_ came Chopper's voice, the sound of a young girl slamming into his furry body coming across the connection. " _Uh, w-who are you and why are you hugging me?"_

" _I'm right there with you, Chopper,"_ Su said, halfway between groaning and purring. " _Conis seems really huggy right now!"_

" _I don't know why, I'm just so-o-oooo happy to see you-u-u…"_ Conis sobbed joyously.

" _Ah… not to lay it in there…"_ Lassoo spoke up hesitantly. " _But, ah, I feel a few quarts low. As in 'I feel like I laid down enough fire for a commando unit' low!"_

" _ **I don't mean to alarm anyone…"**_ the mystery crewmate cut in. " _ **But does anyone quite remember what occurred… last night, judging by the sun's position? Because for my part, I find myself sporting a frankly disturbing gap in my memories."**_

" _Eh? Tsk, of course I remember, woman!"_ Zoro scoffed. " _Last night, we… ah… we…"_ He slowly trailed off in realization. " _Wow, I must have really gotten into some good shit last night."_

" _Now you see_ exactly _why I don't drink! Besides my opinion that all alcohol tastes like piss to me, anyway."_

"… _You don't remember anything either, do you Cross?"_ Nami blandly accused.

" _Ah, ah, ah… SOUNDBITE!"_ the tactician yelped swiftly. " _Soundbite sure as hell doesn't drink, and he hasn't said anything yet! Plus, if it's enemy action, with any luck they'd have overlooked him so long as he was smart enough to clam up. Fat chance, I know, but hey, a guy can dream! So, what do you say, Soundbite? Anything you want… to… uh… are you alri—?"_

" _ **BWAAAAAAAAAAH!"**_

" _GAH! WHAT THE HELL, SOUNDBITE!?"_

" _I-I'M SOOORRYYY!"_ Soundbite sobbed miserably, clearly a mess of tears and snot. " **I-I-I'M JUST SO HAPPY Y-YOU'RE** _ **all aliiiive!**_ E-ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT HAPPENED TO _Luffy..."_

" _Eh? Luffy?"_ Nami blinked in confusion. " _What are you—Hey, wait, where_ is _Luffy? Why hasn't he said anything?"_

" _Oh, I see him, he's over there! I'll go and wake him up!"_ Usopp offered. " _Hey, Luffy, do you remember—? Eh? Luffy? Why are you covered… in… AGH! GUYS, LUFFY'S HURT ALL OVER, IT'S BAD!"_

" _WHAT!?"_ the crew chorused in shock.

" _HELP, WE NEED_ _ **A DOCTOR!"**_ Chopper started to sob before transitioning to a roar.

" _CRAZY OR SANE, EITHER WORKS, JUST GET TO WORK, CHOPPER!"_ Sanji ordered.

" **AGREED! BEGINNING THE OPERATION!"**

" _Ah, Cross?"_ Conis interjected nervously. " _Maybe you should hang up the SBS. I doubt your viewers would enjoy listening to more, well…"_

" _Eh? Hang up the—!? Wait, how long has this thing been on!?"_

" _With any luck? Maybe all night,"_ Lassoo suggested. " _Why don't you try asking the world, maybe someone was willing to stay up long enough to tell us what the heck happened?"_

 _"Yeah, that works. Alright, let's see... uh, hello, viewers. So, ah, Soundbite's bawling his eyes out, Luffy looks worse than after his fight with Foxy, and I would say that I feel like I've gone through a keg party, save that I don't have the headache to go with it… not to mention the fact that I never drink alcohol if I can help it in case of this_ exact _scenario! Nobody seems to remember what happened last night, but it looks like the SBS has been running for a while… could anyone maybe call in and fill in the blanks for us?"_

The captain reached for the device, dialed the number, and tapped his fingers against the receiver.

" _Anonymous? Well, as long as someone can tell us… uh, anything, I guess. Alright, I think Soundbite's got the wherewithal needed to blur you, so go ahead and speak. Is there anything we can call you?"_ Cross asked.

"Let's just say I'm a friend," said Red-Haired Shanks, tears still falling from sheer joy and relief. "I… I suggest that you all settle in. This… this is quite the story."

And so it was.

 **Cross-Brain AN: Cut. Print. And that's a wrap. First things first: credit to HeroR for the dialog in the Five Elder Stars' section. And second…** _ **Geeze**_ **, as much work went into this chapter as there was in making the actual** _ **movie…**_

 **Patient AN: Well, perhaps not** _ **that**_ **much…but the fact that we started working on this back in April after publishing Chapter 27 and only managed to put the final touches on it by today should give you an idea. And despite that, is this the only movie that we're going to write in?**

 **Xomniac AN: Not even close! And** _ **those ones**_ **are gonna actually affect canon!…beyond how much this one will, anyways.**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Yeah, the initial plan was for this chapter to have no lasting effects beyond being the final push needed for MI4 to become MI5, courtesy of Jonathan… but Sabo remembering from this ordeal made far too much sense not to put in. But aside from an increased respect for the Straw Hats from all of the places broadcasted, that's the extent of the changes; Omatsuri may be referenced briefly at times, but the nightmare. Is.** _ **Over.**_ **But unless something inconceivable but too good to pass up happens for Gold or any other movies, the rest of the movies we include** _ **will**_ **be entirely canon, in every way, shape, and form.**

 **Xomniac AN: Well… this is embarrassing. We promise a post on midnight Sunday after exulting our dedication to our schedule, only to fall way late. Sorry about that, really, but an overseas family reunion combined with the fact that we've been working on this monster since April! I'd call** _ **that**_ **pretty damn justified, no?**

 **Patient AN: Regardless, however, the fact remains that we've compromised our integrity twice in the past couple of weeks with missing our schedule. In light of that, starting next week, we shall be hearkening to Oda's update pattern. That is,** _ **This Bites!**_ **shall be on hiatus when** _ **One Piece**_ **is on hiatus. We need to set more reasonable goals for ourselves, especially with us heading into one of the whammiest arcs in all of One Piece. So, God willing, we'll see you in the coming week. Look out for Chapter 833 to see if we do.**

 **Hornet AN: I'm still not satisfied with this, but if I had my way we'd be scrapping most of the chapter and rewriting it, and that'd take another two weeks. Though… who's to say I can't rewrite it myself…**

 **Well. Looks like Halloween is going to be** _ **quite**_ **spooky this year…**

 **Xomniac AN: Eh, admittedly it's not quite as glorious as we originally anticipated, but when are they ever really? At the least, we managed to break 40K. And** _**that's**_ **something to be proud of, no?**

 **Patient AN: Perhaps so, Ego, perhaps so. But something to be more proud of is that we have now entered the ranks of the top 20 One Piece fics!**

 **Xomniac AN: Heh, tell me about it! That's just flat out** _ **awesome.**_ **And with any luck… the top 15, 10, even** _ **5**_ **will come soon after! LET'S SHOOT FOR THE TOP, BABY! WOO!**


	39. Chapter 36 - Water 7 Pt 1

**Chapter 36**

It had been a couple of days since we set off from the last island, and thoughts of our defeat at Aokiji's hands were still on everyone's minds. Let it not be said, however, that the Strawhats were a crew known to mope or brood. Rather than letting things stew, everyone had gotten over it out of necessity to be strong for Robin in face of the trauma Aokiji had unearthed, and then pressed on by submerging themselves in training with my advice. With the extra knowledge and clear goals in mind for how to reach the next level of strength, it wasn't hard for everyone to move past the past and focus on both the present and future.

' _Of course,'_ I thought murderously, curling my torso as I hung from the Merry's mast by my boots, with a well-sized weight hanging from my armored wrists and absolutely _murdering_ my shoulders. ' _The issue here is that the greater the gain you desire, the more and more pain that is required.'_

Unfortunately (for me at any rate), due to the flesh of my limbs still being in the process of re-solidifying into a form I wasn't guaranteed to ruin just by flexing my biceps, Zoro's focus on my training had been diverted to my core muscles. And by his reasoning, if I couldn't strain all of my muscles, I'd have to compensate with the ones that I _could_ strain, hence my current predicament. Only the fact that it was this hell that had kept me conscious against Eneru and Aokiji kept me from hurling every invective I could think up at the swordsman. And even then, it was a close thing.

So, instead, I turned my thoughts to more pressing matters. Namely, the fact that every second we sailed was a second closer to Water 7, and with the approach of the sinking island also approached a _lot_ of trouble. Sure, I was almost _completely_ positive that I had braced Usopp for the possibility of losing the Merry, but Robin…

I suppressed a grimace as I surreptitiously glanced at where she was relaxing in her folding chair and reading one of her books. I _wanted_ to trust Robin, I really did, but unfortunately, we'd rounded a creek and travelled into a whole new territory of mistrust. Rather than having to worry about her betraying the crew, now I had to worry about her betraying _herself_ for _our_ sake! And somehow? Somehow, watching out for Robin making a self-destructive move was even _more_ nerve-wracking than watching for her trying to betray us wholesale.

And the worst part was that if my mistrust turned out to be well-founded, Robin's skills all but guaranteed that we wouldn't find out until it was too late and she'd already attempted to martyr herself, at which point the only way out would be the hard way. I grimaced as images of a pit in the ocean and a fleet of stupidly massive ships flashed behind my eyes.

The very, very, _very_ hard way.

In the end, there really wasn't much I could do except make sure Chopper and Sanji stuck to her like glue and warn everyone of two things: first, to not fight the Franky Family in case of the remote (hopefully _very_ remote, at that) chance that they hadn't become fans of the SBS, and second, to steer clear of the four undercover agents, though that'd be kept amongst my confidants on account of how they were the only ones who I knew were capable of reliably maintaining poker faces.

Of course, right now, I had little choice but to postpone those particular conversations until _after_ we met Kokoro. After all, aside from Robin's quiet reading and Luffy's casual relaxation on the Merry's figurehead, everyone onboard was training.

Usopp had finally managed to finish Nami's Perfect Clima-Tact, but she had only done a cursory confirmation of the staff's capabilities before she went to Donny to get used to the new shape. There didn't seem to be much change from what I had seen coming, on account of how the Eisen Dial and its mechanisms fit into an extra interchangeable bulb on the butt of the weapon. In any case, if the way she was going against Donny was any indication, it seemed like the new form was even better for bojutsu than a traditional staff.

Conis was taking full advantage of the extra storage space that the clothes she borrowed from my wardrobe provided. Bazookas were obviously her weapons of choice, but she had spared no effort fitting as much other firepower as she could handle on her body. Pistols, Dials, shotguns, burn blades, even a full-sized rifle slung across her back. And Mikey was right alongside her, quickly becoming proficient with a pair of pistols. The way he was spinning them around, quite expertly I might add, I was just waiting for him to ask Robin to borrow one of her cowboy hats to complete the look. And beside both of them was Lassoo, who was test-firing the new Blaze mechanism Conis had installed in his gut. It was still a bit testy and his pillar wasn't as big as what Conis was sporting, but the superheated blasts he was belting out were still quite impressive.

Vivi and Carue were taking turns sparring with Raphey, the Dugong's size and skill proving an even match against Vivi's reach and Carue's speed; the two were improving fast, though like a lot of the crew, being confined to the Merry was limiting how much they could get done. Still, they were leaps and bounds ahead of what they'd been when we left Alabasta. At a guess, I'd say that they were of a level of strength appropriate for the Mr. 3 or Mr. 4 team.

Sanji, spurred on by his rivalry with Zoro, had managed to work out the Tempest Kick technique, though he was having trouble preserving the 'blade's' stability for more than a foot or so, after which the air harmlessly dissolved. He wasn't even content enough to name it. Hence, he was on the edge of the Merry, teeth gritted in concentration as he fired shot after shot. It was slow going, but I could see that every second he worked on it, the fissures in the surface of the ocean grew deeper and longer.

Zoro, meanwhile, said that he had worked on his Asura technique enough to be confident using it in combat, and had diverted his energy to other pursuits instead. Namely, the Iron Body technique. Leo was drafted to help him practice, which seemed to consist of the amphibian slamming his fists into Zoro's torso over and over again. Naturally, Zoro was barely flinching at the impacts, and if the fact that Leo was starting to flex his aching flippers was any indication, he was fast figuring out the secrets of the technique. He'd probably have figured it out sooner if Leo were using the flats of his swords, but the dugong had begged off on account of how he was afraid that the endeavor would damage his blades. Still, as Boss put it, it wasn't as though the endeavor wasn't training Leo's strength as well. Or at least, that was his experience, considering how he had strengthened his own flippers over the years.

Speaking of Boss, he was the only one _not_ suffering at all from reduced space, having decided to try out his new Thermal Dart (which honestly didn't look that different, apart from the hook of his weapon looking a bit sleeker) against the local marine life. Luffy in particular had been happy with Boss tossing skewered fish after scorched fish onto the deck, along with allowing the occasional pummeled and insensate adolescent Sea King to float to the surface. In all honesty, Boss was tough enough already, but if the Heat Dial improved him _that_ much… well, the Monster Quartet may be a thing after all.

Chopper, thankfully enough, had buried himself in the storage room and was working on expanding his chemical arsenal, at the same time studying how he could potentially tune down his Monster Point into something _less_ likely to make Thriller Bark look more inviting than wherever he was turned loose. Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, he wasn't having much luck on that front, which meant we would have to hope that his new arsenal was enough that we wouldn't be dealing with a 36-foot-tall stupidly tough and powerful mad scientist if worst came to worst.

And last but most surprisingly, Usopp was practicing the Shave technique as he moved back and forth across the ship, dodging everyone's training sessions as he did so. However, the training was clearly just a side benefit. The sniper was more concerned with attempting to locate the source of some kind of sound that he _swore_ hadn't been present before. He had tried asking Soundbite, but the snail had blown him off in favor of remaining ensconced in his shell, so as to focus more than ever on thinking about Awakened Devil Fruits. After weighing several pros and cons, Usopp had left him alone. Sadly, while his speed was exhibiting a marked improvement, his feverish movements and muttering, which were only getting worse as his leg pain apparently intensified, were quickly eroding the patience of some of the combatants.

"Where is it, where is it, where is it…" he muttered as Carue and Raphey hastily changed direction to avoid skewering him. "Dammit! It keeps coming and going!"

I cocked an eyebrow as I watched the show for a second longer before deciding to speak up, for his sake if nothing else. "Hey, Usopp! Just a suggestion, but I recommend that you work on your situational awareness next."

"Huh?" The sniper came to a dead stop as he looked up at me. "How come?"

I let my expression fall flat. "Because you're currently standing on Mikey's _head."_

"Eh?" Usopp glanced down in surprise. "Huh. So I am."

Several people paused in their training long enough to facepalm.

"Dude…" Mikey growled as he started to finger the new flintlocks at his side. "I respect you, but if you don't get off me soon, I'm gonna throw you off! _And I mean the Merry!"_

Usopp hastily complied, scrambling off of Mikey and zipping to the other end of the ship.

"But seriously, Usopp, what are you muttering about?" Sanji asked in irritation, turning away from the ocean and looking at him.

"Wha—? Oh, right, I only told Cross." Usopp promptly slapped a hand to his forehead. "See, I can hear some kind of a weird sound coming from somewhere on the ship. I don't know what it is, but it's distracting me from finishing my upgrades!"

"And Soundbite isn't helping you with that because?" Nami asked.

"Because he's focusing on training even more than Zoro is," I grit out as I focused on curling myself upwards. It made my gut hurt like hell, but it sure beat letting the blood flow to my head!

"Why not just put in earplugs or something?" Conis asked curiously.

"I tried that, but it's not going away! Just listen!"

Several sighs rang out around the deck, but ultimately, everyone paused their training and listened. For a second there was nothing. Then the sound came, clear as a bell: wood scraping against wood, like two planks rubbing together. It was… very irritating.

"Alright, now that you draw attention to it…" I trailed off with a grimace.

"Great, now it's going to be stuck in my head all day!" Nami griped as she dug a finger through her ear.

"See? So, maybe I could get some help finding—" Usopp began.

"Hey, guys, look! A frog doing the front crawl!"

All attention was promptly diverted from Usopp to Luffy and then to where Luffy was staring and pointing. And sure enough, there was a tan and white frog, heavily scarred with black hair in a sumo hairstyle, performing the front crawl in the water not far from us. There was no mistaking it: we'd just caught sight of Yokozuna.

And there was no chance in _hell_ that I was going to pass up this glorious of an opportunity.

"Huh, that is a frog doing the front crawl," I noted casually.

"I'm actually impressed that a frog can _do_ the front crawl," Donny commented with a slight tilt to his head.

"Anyone else curious about where the frog doing the front crawl is going?" Vivi asked.

"I'm actually more curious about _why_ the frog is doing the front crawl," Lassoo shrugged.

"Maybe the frog is—!"

"Okay, this gag's lived long enough," Su deadpanned.

" **What gag, COTTONTAIL?"** Soundbite said as he finally decided to rejoin the living.

"The one where everyone's repeating 'the frog do—' OH, NO, YOU DON'T!" she snapped.

" _SO CLOSE!"_

I chuckled. "Good try, Soundbite," I commented, before raising my voice. "Alright, everyone, joking aside, that frog is the sign that our training time has expired! We've got one short stop coming up, and then we'll be landing at the next island later today! Start getting your shopping lists together, preparing the gold for landing… oh, yeah, and _someone cut me down from here!"_

"On it!" Leo volunteered as he drew a sword and started to tense his tail—!

"Nononono _WAIT!"_ I yelped, waving my hands in protest, but too late. He leapt above me, swung his sword…

 _CLUNK!_ "OW!"

And I promptly found myself nursing what I was _certain_ was a concussion.

"…I should know better than this by now," I grumbled matter-of-factly as I lay on my back. "I've tempted you-know-who enough times with how I word things that I should know better than to give it an opening like that. So, why, _why_ do I keep doing it?"

"Because you're an idiot?" Zoro asked blandly as he looked down at me.

I was silent as I mulled that statement over before shrugging indifferently. "Eh, can't argue with that. Now, then!" I promptly ignored my screaming muscles as I sprang to my feet and snapped a finger forward. "Sorry, Nami, but I need to temporarily shanghai one of your duties, because right now we need to _follow that frog!"_

"YEAH!" Luffy cheered emphatically.

"Sorry, Captain, he's got a tragic backstory, no grilling tonight."

"Awww…"

"Besides, frogs are terrible eating. Too many little bones," Zoro commented as he walked towards our armory/oar room, most likely to fish out the Dugongs' harnesses so they could tow the Merry.

"You're not supposed to eat them whole, moss-for-brains!" Sanji called after him.

While the Squad got themselves strapped up and prepared to dive into the waves, Usopp took the time to tap me on the shoulder. "Hey, Cross, while I'm sure from what you said that asking too much about that frog would fall under the 'spoilers' category—!"

"Indubitably," I nodded solemnly.

The sniper rolled his eyes at my dramatic tone before continuing. "—can you at _least_ say how the—?"

" _Watch it."_

Usopp shivered as a vicious growl wafted over from Conis' general direction. "How _he_ can do the front crawl?"

I mulled over my response for a moment before coming to my conclusion and shrugging. "In layman's terms, a long while back, someone showed him the technique and he practiced until he could do it."

"HA! You just defined how everyone's learned everything ever!" Boss barked jubilantly before turning his attention to his squad. "Now, then, enough lollygaggin'! C'mon, boys! Let's get to towin'!" And with that he dove over the edge and into the water.

"BOSS, YES, BOSS!" the four other Dugongs chorused before following their teacher.

A moment later, the Merry jolted forward and started following Yokozuna at a respectable clip, though there was a distinct cost, in the form of an unmistakable groaning sound coming from the deck below our feet. I nervously glanced down before hastily jogging up to Merry's figurehead and rubbing her neck.

"Just a little further, Merry, just a little more…" I muttered reassuringly. "As soon as we reach the next island, you'll be in the hands of the world's best shipwrights, I _promise_ that it won't be long now." I leaned my forehead against the whitewashed wood, eyes closed and a grim smile on my face. "I swear… I'm going to do everything that I can to keep my word."

"… _!"_

"Wha—?" I jerked my head back in shock. For some reason, rather than the calm that a placated Merry would have produced, I felt a rush of sheer emotion shoot through me like Eneru's lightning. The feelings were many, but not a single one of them was good: fear, sadness, depression, misery, anger… Guilt. Regret.

"W-What the _hell—!?"_ I breathed incredulously.

"Hey, Cross!"

I was snapped out of my confusion by the Merry jerking to a halt—with yet another pained groan at that—and Boss leaping onto the railing near me.

I spared Merry a final glance before focusing on the dugong. "Ah… y-yeah? What is it, Boss?"

The martial-artist jabbed his thumb over his shoulder at the water. "There's a line of buoys floating in the water and something _really_ weird floating beyond that, something the frog's getting on! Should we follow it?"

Before I could answer, Soundbite paled in terror on my shoulder as he craned his eyestalks to stare into the water before us. Specifically, at the silhouette floating below the surface. " _You have_ GOT **to be kidding ME…"** he breathed numbly.

I processed the development for a moment before allowing myself a smug smirk. "Well, seeing how you've apparently figured out what's going on, shall we harmonize our response?"

The snail hastily recovered with a smirk of his own. " _ **LET'S!"**_

I slid into a flawless jazzhands as Soundbite and I grinned eagerly. " _Nooooo~!"_ we sang, holding it out for a few seconds before I brought my fingers together in a cut-off sign.

Boss was unamused. "Very nice, you two. Now, why don't you—"

"WHOA!"

"HOLY SHIT!"

"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!?"

"Eh?" Boss and I started to look towards what the rest of the crew was talking about—

 _ **WOOOT WOOOOOOOT!**_

—And then it was just _there._

The Puffing Tom was… it was… _wow,_ it was seriously something. I mean, I'd ridden my fair share of trains in my life, I was thoroughly familiar with the subways of New York and Paris and the TGVs of France, but this… this was a whole different beast.

And by _God,_ there was no other word to describe the Puffing Tom than 'beast'. The size, the speed, the sheer _aura_ of power that the mechanical marvel exuded… it was like looking at the primal _epitome_ of industry and technology!

This… This was no mere train. This was a man-made Wonder of the World!

It also didn't hurt my opinion that I was a particularly avid fan of steampunk.

The moment of awe lasted for just that, a moment, and then time started up again as the engine roared past us and down the tracks, swiftly approaching the giga-toad who was positioned on the rails, palm extended and teeth grit in preparation.

I sent an inquiring glance at Soundbite. "So, I'm guessing Kermit or—?"

" _STOP, PUFFING TOM!"_

My questions were cut off in a sharp gasp as the frog roared a _very_ familiar line in a relatively familiar voice. Before I could do anything _else_ , however…

 _THWACK!_

"GAH! DAMN IT!"

We were treated to the suddenly _very_ un-funny sight of the large toad getting swatted aside by the unstoppable machine as though he were _nothing_ , followed by the Puffing Tom swiftly chugging off into the distance, becoming nothing more than a pillar of steam in _seconds._

I worked my jaw for a second as I processed what I'd just seen and heard before slowly glancing back at Soundbite. "…Schwarzenegger?"

" **I may be** _ **a**_ _cheeky_ BASTARD, _BUT I CAN'T_ _ **SPEND THIS MUCH TIME**_ **WITH THIS CREW** _and mock_ **conviction** LIKE WHAT I JUST _**heard**_ _,"_ Soundbite replied, shaking his head solemnly. He then allowed himself a tentative grin. "' **Sides** … _**Going by those**_ _SCARS?_ **He'll be back."**

 _That_ got a slight grin from me as I remembered the few flashbacks we'd gotten to this particular stretch of the sea. "Not if we have anything to say about it, he won't."

Boss finally got his jaw working again, gnawing on his cigar, and he gave me a searching look. "So… tragic backstory, huh? Care to share?"

"As soon as it becomes relevant, don't worry," I said dismissively, waving him off.

"Ah, 'scuse me, question?" Lassoo spoke up, raising a paw. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT THING!?"

I chuckled at the reaction. "Oh, ye of little experience. What you just saw was a steam-powered locomotive, more commonly referred to as a train, or in this case, a sea-train. It's the magnum opus and symbol of the island we're heading to next, Water 7, the greatest hub of shipwrights in the Grand Line. That train, the Puffing Tom, was the brainchild of the greatest of them all, a shipwright known as Tom. Frame of reference for how good he was: _he built the Oro Jackson."_

Robin, Nami, Vivi and Sanji promptly gaped at me in shock, while everyone else onboard stared blankly at me.

"Roger's ship," I clarified with a sigh.

 _There_ were the dropped jaws.

"SO COOL!" the Kiddy Trio and the TDWS exclaimed together, looking after the train—actually, no, not quite. Usopp wasn't staring in awe; he had collapsed to his knees, sighing in sheer relief.

"Thank goodness," he said. "Now I see what you meant by this being the best chance we had for Merry, Cross, if we're heading to a place with shipwrights like _that."_

Aaaand just like that the atmosphere whiplashed right back around to solemn. And it brought the feeling I had before back to the forefront of my mind. Shaking my head, I looked down at the figurehead again. "There, Merry, you hear that? Is that enough to convince you that I'll be able to—?"

"… _ **!"**_

"GAH!" I yelped, enough emotional force slamming into me that I actually jumped back—

 _THUNK!_

"Whoawhoawhoawhoa _SHIT!"_

 _THWACK!_

—bumped into the railing of the forecastle and unfortunately overbalanced, promptly falling ass over teakettle and onto the far far _far_ too solid deck below.

I lay groaning upside down for a moment with my ass hanging over my head before glancing up(?) at my crewmates with a slightly confused look. "I'm… not the only one who felt that, right?"

"No, Cross, you're not," Zoro said quietly, and the distinctly bothered expressions on my crewmates' faces and the fact that Lassoo, Su, Carue, and the TDWS were curled up on themselves were enough to show that that blast of sheer _emotion_ had affected everyone.

"I'm _certain_ that I don't want to know the answer to this…" Robin started in an uncharacteristically shaky voice. "But what in the world was _that?"_

"That was unpleasant, was what it was!" called an older woman's voice from nearby. All attention turned towards the nearby building rising above the water that we'd somehow missed.

Its owner was a tubby woman with long, frizzy light green hair, a large purple cap, a pink jacket, and a purple suit with khakis. A bottle of something alcoholic was in one hand, and contrary to my expectations, she was not smiling; the grim look on her face gave every implication that 'unpleasant' was an understatement.

Which was made particularly clear by the green-haired girl and blue rabbit lying beside her, white-eyed and foaming from the mouth.

"You felt that too, Granny?" I asked quizzically, to which I received a slap upside the head from Vivi.

"Seriously, Cross, I'd expect that kind of bluntness from Luffy, not you!" she said in astonishment.

"Eh, don't worry about it," Kokoro shrugged and waved her hand with a chuckle. "Lots of people call me Granny, I don't mind. I like it, even! Makes me feel respected."

"Whereas you continue to be far too impulsive without considering all the facts of the matter," I replied to the princess.

"I—but—you—that—!" Vivi started to sputter before settling on thwapping me with another dopeslap and marching back to Carue.

"So, how many times does that make, Soundbite?" Zoro asked.

" _Crocodile,_ _ **Octavio,**_ **RATCHET—!"**

"HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THAT BASTARD WAS OUT OF HIS MIND!?"

" _ **Aaaaand RANDOLPH."**_

Vivi opened her mouth… and shut it with a click and a blush. "I… have no viable excuses…"

" **SO this makes** _FIVE!"_

"Well, at least _this_ time didn't result in us all nearly getting killed," Nami muttered.

"Ahem?"

The cough brought our attention back to Kokoro, who lowered her fist from where it was in front of her mouth. "I suppose I should introduce myself better: my name is Kokoro." She nodded her head back at her insensate pet and relative. "And this is my granddaughter Chimney and our cat Gonbe. We're the caretakers of this switch station. The reason why they're both unconscious is that _yes,_ we felt that. It wasn't enough to have that snail of yours bring up some bad memories by giving Yokozuna a voice—" I winced. "—but then… well, I've been in this business for a long time, young man," she said, staring at us with an expression of stone-cold sobriety. "I haven't felt a ship scream in agony for years."

And there went the humor again. Seriously, I knew that this arc was meant to be one of the more depressing ones, possibly _the_ most besides everything between Sabaody and the timeskip, but did that have to start _now?_

"Before you potentially chastise us about pushing her past her limits, believe us, we know that she's hurting," I hastily replied as we docked Merry beside the station. "We're headed straight for Water 7 to patch her up, no detours and no other objectives."

' _Not if I can help it, anyway…'_ I mentally added.

She stared at me curiously for a moment, and then… then her expression contorted in grim realization. "You don't know yet."

The _far_ too gentle tone of voice all but froze the blood in my veins. Apparently, yes, it _did_ have to start now.

"…What do you mean, we don't know yet?" Usopp asked quietly.

Kokoro sighed tiredly, and then—

Re-re-note to self: age equals badass. I should have been able to reason that considering her stalwart performance at Enies. But if that wasn't enough, the fact that she jumped from the station onto the deck of the Merry with no sign of fatigue or pain whatsoever was a fresh reminder. Unfortunately, she still had that uncharacteristically serious look on her face, which prevented my surprise from lasting more than a second.

"I'm sorry to tell you this," she said grimly. "But the only time a ship could be in that much agony is if the keel was damaged beyond repair."

There was no warning, no preamble, just… it just _hit us_ like cannonfire. Half of the crew bowed their heads, while the rest had looks of devastation on their faces. And me, personally? I felt as if the ground fell out from under me. A thoroughly apt comparison going by how I collapsed to my knees.

Usopp was the first to get his wits back about him, shaking his head in denial. "N-No, no! T-That, that can't be right!" Usopp denied. "W-We talked to her! W-We talked to Merry herself! Her Klabautermann! S-She said that she was hurt, yeah, but that—"

"But that she'd be able to tough it through for all your sakes _?"_ Kokoro asked,

We looked at her in shock, and she sighed. "I told you, I've been in this business for a long time. While I can't say I've ever seen a Klabautermann myself, I've heard enough tales and seen enough ships that had them; it's a foregone conclusion that any ship that could give off that much emotion would be able to manifest him- or herself."

"…This probably isn't the time, but I thought all ships were female," Donny pointed out.

Kokoro shrugged. "It depends on the builder, the crew and the ship itself, though honestly, unless the ship does come alive, it's just aesthetic." She shook her head firmly. "We're getting off topic here. Listen, I know that I might not look it, but I know what I'm talking about here; your ship must have loved you a lot to continue on this far, but every story I've heard went the same way: ships only fix themselves and show themselves when they're already doomed."

"But that's not possible! Look around! She's still in one piece, she's still sailing!" Chopper protested. Kokoro looked at him.

"You're the doctor, right? Let me make an analogy for you: the keel of the ship is its spine. Any other part of the boat can be repaired or replaced, but if the keel cracks, that's a death sentence; it's only a matter of time from there before the ship splits in two."

"B-But how can you _know_ that her keel is injured!?" Conis pleaded. "S-She said that it was hurt, yes, but—!"

"I know because I can hear the same thing that you all have been hearing for awhile now…" Kokoro sighed grimly. "That creaking sound… it's not just any two planks, or some random issue. That's a constant cry of pain that proves that your ship, no matter how much you love her, is already dead in the water. That's the sound of two halves of a keel grinding together."

It felt like time froze for us as we stared at the station-master in stunned silence, the only noises present being the sound of waves lapping against the station and our beloved ship… and the tortured echo of wood rubbing ringing in our ears.

"You can't be serious! There's no way that her keel isn't still in one piece!" Raphey objected at last.

"Yeah! We've dived under this ship more times than we can count, and we've _never_ seen any damage to her keel! Just solid wood and metal plating from repair work!" Mikey said assertively.

Kokoro sighed and glanced at the dugongs. "And… have you ever looked _under_ the plating?"

The implications of that statement sunk in with all the speed and impact of Chopper's syringes: if that plating had covered up her cracks, then that meant that they happened back when…

"Merry… n-no, you-you're wrong! You _have_ to be wrong! Merry—!" I shook my head desperately as I stared at Kokoro. "M-Merry, s-she said that she was fine, t-that she'd hold on! Y-You can't…" I fought to keep the tears out of my eyes. "No… damn it… No! Merry…"

I looked away from Kokoro, struggling to my feet and staring up at the figurehead. "Merry, please, _tell her_ she's wrong, tell her, tell _us_ you're as strong as ever! I-I know it's not fair to ask but… just for a second, just for a _second_. Tell us she's wrong. _Please tell us she's wrong."_

For a few moments, there was nothing but absolute silence, stillness…

And then she was just _there,_ standing before us, a translucent spectre that _radiated_ sadness.

Kokoro's bottle fell out of her hand and spilled onto the deck, and everyone else stiffened in shock.

Merry's head was bowed so that even her mouth was hidden from view.

And then… she spoke just two words.

"… _I'm sorry."_

 **Cross-Brain AN: Yep! We're just gonna leave it at that for now! Sorry that the chapter was so short, but hey, time constraints and all that, plus losing one's job over bullshit can be a bitch. Still, look at it this way: you just have that much more to look forward to in the next chapter!**

 **Chapter 36 Part 2**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Oh, come on, did any** **of you** _ **actually think**_ **that we were going to leave it at that? For shame, for shame. The cliffhanger is par for the course, sure, but the word count? Please, our standards are** _ **so much**_ **higher than that!**

The Klabautermann disappeared as quickly as she had come. And that was the moment where the more sensitive among our crew lost the ability to hold their emotions back.

Consequently, ten minutes after meeting Kokoro found everyone on the crew except Zoro, Sanji and Boss stewing in misery, one way or another. Robin kept some semblance of composure, but even she couldn't hold back from crying. Soundbite had gone into silent sulking, tears trickling down his eyestalks. Everyone else was either sobbing miserably or still stuck deep in shock.

Except for me, given the fact that after a couple of minutes of crying I'd flipped my emotions to the opposite end of the spectrum and slammed myself straight into rage. Rage at Merry for lying to us, rage at the world for how stupidly, _stupidly_ unfair this was… and rage at myself for failing. Sure, I was still clinging to some stupid hope that Franky would be able to find _something_ in the black market that could help us with how much gold we had to spend: a Devil Fruit, a miracle fix-all, something, _anything!_

 _B_ ut in the end, the revelation that I hadn't been able to keep her keel from cracking… that my efforts to change something, to make things _better,_ were all for _nothing?_

 _Magma and hell and evil and war war WAR!_

"Damn it damn it damn it _damn it!"_ I cursed viciously as I clutched at my skull.

"G-Granny, come on!"

I glanced over at Usopp as he pulled himself out of his despair and started pleading with the impassive station mistress as she chugged her bottle.

"Isn't there _anything_ we can do to help?!" the sniper begged, tears streaming from his eyes. "A-A Devil Fruit, an _ANYTHING—?!"_

"There isn't," she replied, though she was noticeably less firm than she had been before; Merry's appearance had definitively shaken her, and going by the way she was swishing the last dregs of her bottle in front of her, she was definitely of the opinion that she needed a fresh one. "Do you think you're the first crew to ask? The first to love their ship so much that they'd do anything to keep sailing with them? Trust me, I know what I'm talking about: There are no Devil Fruit powers either nearby or even in the general waters that can fix it, no methods to permanently mend a keel, no techniques to replace it, nothing. There aren't many afflictions that the world's finest shipwrights can't fix, but a cracked keel is one of them. I'm sorry, I truly am, but your ship, strong and brave as she is… is done for."

Aaand that was officially my fucking _breaking point._

 _SLAM!_

The rest of the crew jumped and looked over at me as I ground my knuckles into Merry's neck-brace. "For fucks' sakes, you stupid, stupid, _stupid_ goat…" I spat. "What the fucking _hell_ were you _thinking!?"_

"She was thinking that she loved you." I shot a halfhearted glare over my shoulder at Kokoro, who was watching me evenly, and with more than a little pity. "She was thinking that she loved you all, and that if you knew when it happened, you would compromise yourselves trying to help her. And, well… the ultimate mission of any ship is to keep their crew safe. She wouldn't want you to sacrifice yourselves for a lost cause."

My arm quaked as I pressed my fist harder and harder into the metal plate. "I…I _promised_ her…" I hissed tearfully.

Kokoro shrugged indifferently as she knocked back what little of her drink she had left. "Sorry, but I can't help you there. Personally, it sounds like a discussion to be had between you and your god. Or, well…" She waved her hand casually. "Your lack thereof, anyways."

I stiffened in response to that, frowning as a thought occurred to me—

 _CHOMP!_

"OW?!" I yelped as I snapped my hand to my neck.

" **ARE YOU really willing** _to risk it?"_ Soundbite snarled around the chunk of flesh he was gnawing.

I frowned as I considered the situation, and what could possibly go wrong, but the images of Merry burning in the snowfall and her apology that I had just seen stayed in the forefront of my mind.

"Only as a last resort, but considering the alternative?" I shook my head sadly. "I honestly can't rule it out yet."

Soundbite grimaced, but released my neck; there was no doubt which of the two evils was lesser, though I knew it was about as likely that B.R.O.B. would ignore me as it would help me. I then directed my attention back to the deck, where Zoro seemed to be running interference for Kokoro's curiosity.

"So… there's really no choice but to get a new ship?" he asked seriously.

Kokoro shook her head somberly, and with considerable reluctance, I turned towards the crew, moving away from the figurehead and down to the main deck. "Either we let her die with dignity or we run her into the ocean. And I think we all know which one she wants… _demands_ we pick."

"Are you saying we should abandon a member of our crew, Cross?" Luffy growled dangerously.

"Luffy…" Nami softly interjected before I could say anything. "The choice… either we leave her behind and let her go to sleep peacefully or all of us die along with her. And any other day I'd be alright with that, but…" She trailed off helplessly.

"This… This is a choice that a captain has to make, Luffy," Vivi said, sadly but firmly. "I understand better than _anyone_ not wanting to let any of the ones you care about die. But…" She glanced at me meaningfully. "The world… it just doesn't work like that. The only thing we can do _is—_ " Her voice broke, and she bit her knuckle in a clear attempt to keep from breaking down in tears.

"…In the aftermath of Blackbeard's attack…" Chopper spoke up solemnly. "There were just so many wounded. So many injured, so many _dying…_ " The Zoan slowed his breathing in an obvious effort to keep calm. "Doctorine used it to teach me the hardest and most vital lesson a doctor can ever learn." Chopper looked up with a hard glint in his eyes. Only… it wasn't madness. Just cold, clinical finality. "Triage. The practice of sorting patients by severity. Of choosing who you try and save. Of… Of recognizing a lost cause, for the sake of others." He shook his head as he remembered the day. "I've never forgotten what I learned: that no matter how good you are, no matter how skilled or how many resources you have at your disposal, you can never manage to save everyone. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is just… make their death as painless and dignified as possible."

Luffy bit his lip, trembling with repressed rage and sadness as he mulled the words over. Slowly but surely, he looked around the deck. His eyes fell on Sanji, whose hair shadowed his eye while he attempted to light a cigarette, the lighter flickering as his hands shook. He looked at Boss, who mimicked the motion with a cigar. He looked at Conis, who snapped her head away, her face pained as she no doubt thought of all the souls who'd made the mistake of landing on Angel Beach.

Finally, he looked at Usopp. The sniper's expression was somewhere in the middle of anger and anguish, but he seemed completely unable to speak. After a minute, he finally opened his mouth, but suddenly paled. He looked as if he'd just seen a—

Luffy and I snapped our heads around to follow his line of sight, but there was nothing. Nothing but the ship and the horizon. We looked back at him, and slowly, some semblance of acceptance came over his face. Sighing, Luffy looked back at Kokoro.

"…Alright. We'll get a new ship," he said, his tone colorless and empty.

The second the words left his mouth, a wave of sheer _relief_ brushed across us all. And I felt it like nothing less than a titanic punch in the gut.

Sanji shuddered heavily as he fumbled for his cigarettes and shakily lit a new one. He took a shaky, calming draw before eyeing the present veteran. "Granny Kokoro… what do you recommend we do?"

The old woman kept an eyebrow up as she watched us before sighing and shaking her head. "In my opinion, if you want to do good by her, the best thing to do is take her to Water 7. Let her see you on to your next ship and watch you set sail. After that… I promise you, I will _personally_ make sure that she's put to rest with all of the honor that she deserves."

"…We'd appreciate that, Granny Kokoro," Usopp said quietly.

"It's no less than she's earned; I've witnessed a lot of bonds of love between ships and crews in the past, but yours is easily the strongest I've ever seen," Kokoro nodded firmly. "But, in the meantime… you're going to need a new ship before you leave the island. There are plenty of good models to go off of, and I'm guessing that you have all of the gold that you need. I can give you a good reference, help you get the best ship money can—"

"Granny," I cut in sharply. I had to fight tooth and nail to keep my voice steady; what I was saying felt like I was accepting defeat, but… if all was said and done, if there really was nothing we could do, then I had to take advantage of this while I could. "We don't need _the best_. We're sailing this ocean for one purpose above all else: to reach Raftel so that our captain can become King of the Pirates. If… If we need to get a new ship—"

"You do," Kokoro confirmed solemnly.

My hand snapped into a fist, but I forced myself to nod. "Our new ship… it can't be something run-of-the-mill. 'The best' is a plateau shared by a lot of ships worldwide and it's a valid one, a fine one, sure, but for us… 'the best' just isn't good enough. We need…" I forced myself to suck in a deep, calming breath as I tried to get my thoughts straight. "We need something else entirely. Something unprecedented, something…" I shrugged helplessly. "Something on par with the Oro Jackson herself. The pinnacle of shipbuilding, something that rewrites the entire book. Right here, right now, we need to go beyond the best. We need… we need the awe-inspiring, the unique… we need the _ultimate._ "

Kokoro stared at me, then she turned to stare at Luffy. Tears still flooded the rubber man's eyes, but his usual grit was back. Finally, she heaved a sigh as she tilted the brim of her hat down. "This damn company is either blessed or cursed, and I can't tell which…" she muttered to herself before giving us all a serious look. "Wait here." With that, she promptly jumped back to the station and headed inside.

As soon as the door closed, I looked back at the crew, to see several questioning looks. I rolled my eyes before figuring out how to respond. "When Tom was still alive, he was the head of a company known as Tom's Workers. It was a small company, with only three people in it besides him: his two apprentices, and his secretary. Take a wild guess as to who said secretary was and is."

Even Luffy gained a look of understanding.

"At a guess, she'll be directing us to his apprentices in order to make us a new ship?" Robin divined.

"Bingo," I nodded in solemn agreement. "If anyone can make a ship worthy of succeeding Merry, then it's Franky and Iceburg. Of course…" I allowed myself a weak but nonetheless cheeky smile. "The _real_ challenge will be actually getting them to cooperate, considering that they're… well, not as bad as Zoro and Sanji, but not _too_ far off."

Everyone's faces immediately fell at that.

"We're doomed," Usopp sighed morosely.

"Hey, hey, I said they're not _as_ bad as those two dipshits! After all…" I grinned slightly. "At the end of the day, beneath all the bullshit, they consider each other best friends."

"So, basically, not anything like us at all," Sanji deadpanned.

"Not even remotely," Zoro confirmed in an equally flat tone.

"Geeze, Cross, are you an idiot or something?" Luffy asked curiously.

"Now, now, remember, guys: you haven't seen everything I've seen," I said, before allowing my smile to grow dangerously smug as the word 'yaoi' flashed through my mind. "In fact, I've seen a _lot_ of evidence that—MMPH?!"

"I'm sorry, Cross, but considering that you had that look on your face when you were about to insult Whitebeard, I have no doubt that this is for your own good," Robin said sweetly.

" _ **SPOILSPORT!"**_ Soundbite raged as I tried to wrench the flowery limb away from my mouth.

"Nagagagaga! Just like the Straw Hats, bouncing back from tragedy as easily as rubber."

All eyes turned back to the station, where Kokoro had readopted her typical wide smile. She leapt back onto the Merry, and held out her hands. One held not one, but _two_ envelopes, and the other had a few blank pieces of paper.

"These letters are addressed to Iceburg, mayor of Water 7, and Franky, head of Water 7's underworld. The two of them are the best shipwrights you'll ever find, and I go way back with both of them. Give them these messages, and they'll build you a ship worthy of the Pirate King. And bring some money with you when you go to see them too, at least to show that you're good for it! My word will get you in the door, but shipbuilding's still an expensive business, no matter who's in your corner!" She grinned at Luffy. "Between you and me, I met Roger way back when. And you're a lot like him; I wouldn't write up letters like this for just anyone."

That, above all else, managed to alleviate the depression among the crew, as Luffy smiled like the sun. "Shishishi! Thanks a lot, Granny!"

"Nagagagaga, don't mention it," Kokoro said, waving us off before snapping up a finger. "But! Know that my help doesn't come free! I want something in return." She paused for effect, then held out the blank papers with her iconic grin. "Autographs from the world's first radio stars, one copy for Chimney, one for Gonbe, and one for me."

I eyed the rest of the papers she was holding. "And the extras?"

Kokoro's grin widened impishly. "Rainy day fund! My bet's that the future Pirate King's autograph is gonna be worth _something_ one day!"

Nami promptly adopted an aghast expression and slapped a hand to her forehead. "Why didn't _I_ think of that?!"

That particular statement drew a load of unbidden chuckles from us, and _that_ alleviated a lot of the remaining tension.

A few flourishes with ink later—which involved Carue demonstrating that even royal ducks knew calligraphy, Soundbite deciding to make his bite marks his signature, the Dugongs sketching their weapons, and Lassoo and Su leaving pawprints—Kokoro had her stack of sheets.

"Nagagaga! Well, looks like I'm all set for this Christmas!" Kokoro chuckled as she looked over the papers before shooting us a salute. "Thanks a lot, you all! Happy travels and the best of luck! I'll see you again in a couple of days!" And with that, she prepared to jump off.

"Hey, hold on a sec, Granny," I said hastily as a thought occurred to me. "Let me get you a little something extra for all of this. Conis, do you have any of _those_ pictures left?"

A grin instantly stretched over the angel's face as she started rummaging through her pockets. "As a matter of fact, I do," she said, drawing out a familiar piece of paper and flicking it to the stationmaster. "Here, Granny Kokoro. This is a picture of the tyrant Eneru when he fought Luffy."

Kokoro took one look at the picture of Luffy kicking Eneru in the gut and fell onto her back, laughing her head off. We all stole a glance at the picture as well, and the resulting laughter helped to lighten the mood even more.

After that, we set out from the switch station, following the sea-train tracks towards the metropolis waiting for us relatively close by. With the mood somewhat more upbeat, I was content to let myself stare off into the distance without a care in the world. At least, until I was wrenched back into the present.

"So, Cross…" Su said as she leapt up onto the railing, giving me a curious glance. "Anything you want to tell us about what's coming up next, or would you rather we all be taken by surprise?"

"You mean besides the run-of-the-mill madness and craziness?" I said, smirking wryly before shrugging and turning around to look at my friends. "But, ah, seriously, if the Captain's alright with it…?"

Luffy started to say something, only for Nami and Zoro to grab his cheeks and _yank._ "Ah… How much do you think you need to tell us, Cross?" he asked through his stretched mouth.

"Not much, Luffy, just a warning about one group that could be the difference between us making them our friends or our enemies," I reassured him.

Luffy blinked thoughtfully for a second before shrugging. "Alright, that's fine, then." And with that, our first and second mates let his mouth snap back into place.

"Good boy," Nami deadpanned.

"Great!' I clapped my hands together and rubbed them eagerly. "So! To start, like Kokoro said, Franky is the head of Water 7's underworld, pretty much the quirkiest and most likeable mafia boss you'll ever meet, if you can even call them a proper mafia. Odds are that he and his followers, a group of semi-organized—!" I hesitated slightly as I considered things. "Ah, make that quarter-organized—!" I thought a _little_ harder on the matter. "Ah… anyway, hopefully he and the band of thugs called the Franky Family have a high opinion of us from the SBS. But on the off chance that they don't… well, just try to avoid anyone wearing black with pink stars and strangely designed goggles. The Franky Family makes their living off of hunting bounties and dismantling ships, so if they don't like us? They'll only see beri signs."

"You think we can't handle a bunch of thugs, Cross?" Boss said, sounding offended by the implication.

"Nonono, 'handling them' is the exact _problem_ here!" I waved my hands in a panic. "They may be pushovers compared to us, but Franky _isn't_ , and he's _easily_ as protective of his own as we are. If we harm his family, he's going to want revenge, and considering how we _need_ his help if we want Merry's successor to have even _half_ a chance at surviving the true maritime hell that's coming, having him as our enemy is the _last_ thing we need."

"Alright, pink stars and weird goggles, got it," Sanji nodded in understanding. "And what about Iceburg, anything to worry about on his end?"

"Oh, Horus, no, he's known and beloved by everyone on the island. He can be a bit odd at times, sure, but apart from that, he's a perfect saint," Vivi said.

I looked at her in surprise. "You met him?"

"We stopped by Water 7 on the way to and from the Reverie, and Iceburg always greeted us," Vivi explained with a casual shrug. "It wasn't for long, mind you, just a confirmation that our needs were met, but the impression I got from him and literally anyone on the island that we asked was that it was impossible to dislike the man." She then frowned as a thought struck her. "Unless you know otherwise?"

"Oh, no, no," I denied hastily. "That's pretty much him in a nutshell: one of the best people you'll ever meet, and honestly, I can't be sure if that oddness he shows is real or just obfuscating stupidity."

"Obfuscating? Interesting choice of words, Cross," Robin remarked.

"I didn't come up with the term, Robin. But, yeah, it'll be easy to find him, and odds are that Kokoro's recommendation, however sloppily written, will be all that we'll need," I reassured him, before turning around and heading towards Merry's storage room. "Anyways, that's the only warning the general crew's got to worry about for now. Zoro, Nami, Vivi, I've got a bit more to tell you guys."

"So you mean you're not even _trying_ to be subtle about the fact that you're hiding stuff from us now!?" Usopp sputtered.

" _Eeyup!"_ Soundbite and I chorused as I courteously opened the door for Vivi, who curtsied exaggeratedly in thanks.

"Boss, you and your students try to ease Merry along as much as you can; make sure we stay by the tracks," Nami offhandedly ordered before she and Zoro entered as well.

"I do not agree with this arrangement!" Usopp shouted desperately.

"AGREED!" the TDWS chorused.

"Your concerns are duly noted," I said to them with a cheeky grin before pulling the door shut.

Soundbite needed no prompting to deploy the Gastro-Scramble as the door closed. I was silent for a moment before rapping my fist against my forehead with an angry sigh. "You know, all snark aside, the only reason I'm _not_ telling them this is that I can't trust anyone but you guys to act natural under this sort of pressure."

"That bad, huh?" Zoro asked.

"Worse. Tell me, Vivi… have you ever heard of the Cipher Pols?"

The princess stiffened. "They're… meant to be the World Government's primary intelligence gathering organizations, highly covert and highly deadly." Her face paled as she connected the dots. "T-They're on Water 7?! That's not good, not good at all! Which one is it? Six? Three? _One?"_

I bowed my head grimly. "If only… it's number Nine."

The blood promptly drained from my female friends' faces, while Zoro merely stiffened.

"The assassins that kill anyone that the World Government deems a threat? That organization actually exists?" Nami demanded.

"You have to be mistaken, _please tell me you're mistaken!"_ Vivi whimpered miserably.

I shook my head in denial. "Sorry to confirm your worst nightmares, but the boogeymen known as CP9 are all too real. Their base of operations is the Government's judicial island, Enies Lobby, and they're the original masters of the Six Powers. These guys aren't just assassins, they're full-blown living weapons. Four of the agents are undercover in the city, and have been for the last five years. And our arrival? It's going to be the trigger for them to break cover and finish their mission."

"And what mission would that be, Cross?" Zoro asked sternly.

I winced. This was _not_ going to go over well. "Water 7 has been the global center of shipwrighting for _centuries._ Even stretching all the way back to the Blank Century itself. Since then, it has been home to a very, _very_ specific heirloom that has been passed down from master to apprentice for generations. An heirloom which, in the wrong hands, could change the face of the world. This selfsame heirloom is what the agents have been subtly scouring the island for for almost half a decade."

Soundbite swallowed heavily as he eyed me nervously. " **W-What** _ **is IT?"**_

I reached up and tipped the brim of my hat down so that it shadowed my eyes. "The blueprints for the most powerful battleship ever conceived, which has devastated innumerable lives over the years without ever seeing the light of day: _Pluton."_

Soundbite, Nami and even Zoro paled, as I thought they might, but Vivi…

Vivi's expression practically warped, morphing into a twisted combination of both horrified, bloodless apprehension and complete and utter _outrage._ "That fucking _weapon…"_ she hissed.

"Don't worry, don't worry," I raised my hands placatingly. "The blueprints will be destroyed before we're done and only one key to that _thing_ will be left in existence, and it'll be well out of anyone's reach. Barring any completely unforeseen circumstances, Pluton will never bother us again, alright?"

" _And what's the other—?!"_ Vivi began, before falling silent as she noticed my thumb pointing over my shoulder at the door. "…ah. And you're sure—?"

"Ohara burned because of the damn Weapons. Trust me, she hates having that knowledge in her head as much as you do," I informed her. "But… that's not to say that nothing can make her use it. That's the biggest risk we're going to have on Water 7. CP9 was in charge of destroying Ohara with a Buster Call. And now, their chief has either been granted the authority to activate another one or he's stolen it for himself. In the end, it doesn't really matter: that call goes out, the island it went out on _burns._ And if Robin finds out about that…"

"She'll run for the hills because she thinks we're not strong enough to stop it…" Nami divined soberly, which got a grimace out of me in return.

"Worse than that: because she thinks we're not strong enough to stop it, she'll turn herself over to certain death in a misguided attempt to try and save the rest of us. And if that happens, there will only be one course of action we can take to save her. And epic though it would be, I think I speak for all of us when I say I'd rather _avoid_ having to storm Enies Lobby." I allowed myself to relax a bit as a grin that was equal parts goofy and eager stretched across my face. "No matter how fun or cathartic it might be…"

Vivi allowed a slight line of drool to slide out of her mouth as she stared at nothing. "Yeah… seeing a whole Government island burn _would_ be pretty awesome…" she mused before hastily shaking her head. "But, ah, no, I think we'd rather avoid that if possible. So, what are we supposed to do?"

"Chopper and Sanji will be assigned to watch Robin like hawks, and the five of us will need to avoid the four agents as much as possible: Kalifa, Iceburg's blonde secretary, which is why Sanji isn't in here; Blueno, a bartender with his hair done up in ox horns, close friend of a lot of people on the island; Kaku, a shipwright with a nose like Usopp's but square instead of round, very well-respected; and above all, Rob Lucci, a stern-faced shipwright who only speaks through ventriloquism with his pigeon, also well-respected." I sharpened my glare. "I cannot stress this enough: even if worst comes to worst, no matter what happens, no matter _what…_ do not, _not_ challenge Rob Lucci unless you want to _die."_

"Is he really that bad, Cross?" Zoro asked with a hint of eagerness. I responded by leveling a chilling glare at him.

"Don't even think about it, Zoro. Luffy is the only one who has even the remotest of remote chances at beating him, and even then, it was a close thing; he was pushed to and far past his limits, to the point that after he dealt the finishing blow, he barely had enough energy left to _speak,_ much less stand. And Lucci brought him to that point, without weapons, without trickery, without any sort of special abilities to warp the fight. All he has is sheer brute force, backed up by the Six Powers and the Cat-Cat Fruit, Model: Leopard."

Zoro grimaced ferociously, and I had the distinct impression that he was thinking something in the vein of 'I need more training.'

"'Sides, if things do go south, you'll be getting your fill through Kaku. He's a real swordsman; some Devil Fruit bullshittery, but apart from that, a worthy challenge. Satisfied?"

Zoro's feral grin was all that I needed to see.

"So, avoid those four as much as possible if we want to stay alive, easy enough. Anything else that we need to know?" Nami asked.

"Ah, let's see…" I started counting down on my fingers. "Well, Kaku and Kalifa don't have powers yet, their fruits are waiting at Enies Lobby, so that's a bullet dodged. But Blueno ate the Door-Door Fruit, which lets him turn anything he touches into a door. Extremely useful for assassinations. Besides that…"

I did a quick mental review, and then my eyes widened. "Actually, there is one more thing, though more annoying than dangerous. Iceburg's right-hand shipwright, a cigar-smoker with enough ropes up his sleeve to build a house out of them named Paulie, _might_ try to take some of our money to pay off loan sharks that he's indebted to. Again, odds are that the SBS has removed that particular worry, but then again, that much money _can_ make people a bit stupid, so just FYI."

"If he _does_ try that, he'll wish he hadn't," Nami snarled fervently before marching to the door. "Alright, if that's all, I'd better get back to navigating."

"Right, right, go ahead," I said, waving my hand casually before reaching for my bag. "And as for me, I'm going to do my best to fend off depression and kill a few hours the only way I know how. Try tuning in, this is gonna be _fun._ " I glanced at Soundbite. "Ring up Apoo. If ever there was a good time to start things off with him, this would be the one."

 **-o-**

Boa Marigold hissed slightly as she rolled her shoulder, listening attentively as her joints popped in preparation. "Alright, sisters, what do you suggest we improve on today?"

"It better not be tail-lifts again," Sandersonia groused as she stretched her hamstrings. "I _swear_ that we've done it for the past three sessions."

"What's wrong, Sonia?" Hancock chuckled as she bandaged her… _assets_. "Unable to stand the pain needed to afford the gain?"

The green-haired amazon hissed irritably as she shot her sister a stinkeye. "First, I'm taller than _both_ of you; second, I don't have muscles like cables like Mari; and _third_ , you don't have to deal with phantom pains coming from your nonexistent tail when you're human, so you have _no_ right to criticize me! Got it!?"

Hancock and Marigold exchanged looks before _smiling,_ causing the tallest of the three to break out in a cold sweat _._

"Alright, then, that's fair," Marigold smirked, fangs flashing in her mouth as she slowly grew to tower above her. "Then in that case, whatever shall we do instead?"

"Oh, a thought occurs…" Hancock purred as the air started to shimmer around her. "It has been ever so long… perhaps we shall work on our dear sister's resistance to Conqueror's Haki in the middle of live combat instead?"

"Like I was saying, you can never have enough practice with tail-lifts!" Sandersonia yelped as she snapped into her hybrid form and shot into the abandoned stands of Amazon Lily's arena, cowering in terror from the sadists she called sisters.

On a day like any other, between the Kuja Pirates' raids from island to island, the Gorgon Sisters were honing their skills away from the prying eyes of the rest of the tribe. It wasn't so much that they minded others watching—there was nothing Hancock loved more than an adoring audience—as it was that training was easier when they didn't have to pull their punches in order to avoid incurring any clothing damage. As such, whenever the Gorgons trained, the rest of the tribe granted them as much privacy as they did when they were bathing.

Or at least, that _was_ the case, up until that very training session. As Sandersonia straightened from the stands, movement from one of the entrances caught her eyes. In a flash of green, the anaconda-woman dove across the stands, snapped her tail into the corridor—

"GAH!"

And hissed irritably as she withdrew a struggling Kuja warrior from the shadows, wrapped up in her coils. "Looks like we've got a little rat sneaking around, sisters…" she bit out. Marigold and Hancock instantly snapped out of their amusement, and in short order, the squirming amazon found herself looking at the distinctly angry faces of the island's three strongest warriors.

"I do believe I recognize her…" Marigold hummed as she twisted around her sister in order to both get a better look at the interloper and increase the fear factor. "Marguerite, one of my higher-level students. Quite skilled in her Armament."

"Looks like you'll need to start looking for a new favorite," Sandersonia growled as she started flexing her coils.

"Ah, n-no, wait, please, I-I'm sorry!" Marguerite pleaded as she stared at the sister's leering fangs in terror.

"Hold it, Mari, Sonia," Hancock cut in with an impassive tone and expression. "She hasn't done anything wrong yet. Let her go so that she may explain herself."

The snake-hybrids shot shocked looks at their sister. "Who are you and what have you done with Hancock?" they chorused in unison.

The Pirate Empress scowled in annoyance. "Would you mind not acting _quite_ so surprised!? I don't _actually_ only listen to every other word Princess Nefertari says, you know!"

The two serpents, if anything, only looked more incredulous. They _then_ looked panicked when it felt like the weight of the world slammed down on them, a vein on Hancock's forehead prominently displayed. " **Proof enough?"**

The snake-women promptly snapped back into their human forms and bowed their heads to the ground. "We apologize for our disrespect, dearest sister!"

Hancock sniffed imperiously as she stared down at the two of them. "I shall consider accepting your apologies at a later date. For now, however…" The Snake Princess strode up to the still-shell-shocked Kuja warrior, causing her to flinch back in terror—

And then she blushed, all but melting as the impossibly beautiful woman put a finger beneath her chin and _slooowly_ tilted her head up. "I apologize for my sisters' actions… Marguerite, was it? Clearly, they require more experience with the finer points of leadership," Hancock said gently.

"T-That's alright, I-I understand…" Marguerite only just managed to whisper out.

The two other Gorgon sisters looked halfway between incredulous and outraged; if it wasn't enough that Hancock had the gall to say that she was a better leader than them, it seemed like it was actually _true_ in this case! What was the world coming to?!

"When did _we_ become the bad guys?!" Marigold hissed out of the corner of her mouth.

" _Now_ will you listen to me when I say we need to find the other Snake-Snake Fruit users and unionize!?" Sandersonia shot back.

"I'm certainly _considering_ it now."

"Even so," Hancock continued, her smile fading slightly. "All my sisters and I ask is that you and your comrades stay out of the arena when we train for your own protection. After all…" She turned around and moved her hair to the side, causing Marguerite to shiver in terror as she gazed at the scant few strips of cloth that separated her from being turned to stone. "You know that to gaze upon the eyes is certain death. So, why did you disobey?"

Marguerite had tears in her eyes as she faced the disappointment in the Pirate Empress' eyes. It seemed likely that she would have bowed her head in shame were it not for Hancock's finger holding it up. "I… I w-wanted to talk… to the three of you in p-private. And th-this seemed like the best chance," she stammered.

All three of the sisters seemed curious upon hearing the answer. Slowly, Hancock withdrew from her, looking with an unsmiling but not unkind expression upon the Kuja.

"In the future, the best way to do that would be to put forth a request for a private audience. But as we're already here, what did you want to talk to us about?

"I… well…" Marguerite swallowed heavily as she got her thoughts in order. "E-Ever since the Strawhat Pirates began broadcasting their adventures via the SBS, I have learned… so much about the world of men. The existence of Sky Islands, the extent of power of the World Government—" She allowed herself to quirk up a slight smile. "Their… shall we say, unique ways of thinking and acting…" Her expression hastily sobered up again. "But… one of the most important things I've learned is how they fight. Their… Their unique abilities." Marguerite bit her lip and looked away uncomfortably. "Their... Their unique abilities that allow them to break the laws of physics, that allow them to… to transform into animals…" She swallowed heavily in an effort to steel her nerves. "These… These abilities… Cross explained that they came from… from Devil Fruits…"

Due to being distracted by her emotions, Marguerite was entirely unaware of the tension that had come over the sisters, or of the fact that the Snake-Zoans were _slowly_ rising to tower behind her.

Marguerite bowed her head and kicked meekly at the ground. "H-Honorable sisters, know that I truly respect none moreso than you and that I would _never_ mean any disrespect, b-but…" She shook her head firmly. "I-I'm sorry, but considering what I know, I-I just can't _deny_ what I suspect."

"And what do you _suspect,_ warrior?" Hancock ordered more than asked. Gone was any trace of compassion or mercy, only a frigid coldness appropriate for an iceberg… or an executioner.

The blonde Kuja shivered as she stared into her Princess's eyes, but she forged on anyway. "H-Honorable sisters… do… do you… have… Devil Fruit powers?"

Hancock's expression promptly flashed into a mask of rage as she snapped her fingers.

 _WHOOSH! CRACK!_

" _YEARGH!"_

The _instant_ the sound rang out, both Sonia and Mari lashed out with their serpentine bodies, coiling around Marguerite and all but _crushing_ her with their tails. As it was, the force of the assault was enough to snap over a dozen bones at once.

The panicked warrior coughed up a mouthful of blood as she tried desperately to draw air. "Y-Your highness, p-please, mer— _GRK!"_

" _Quiet,"_ Hancock snarled as she crushed Marguerite's throat beneath her fingers before relaxing her grip _just_ enough to allow her a minimal flow of oxygen. "How many others know?"

"I… m-my comrade S-Sweet Pea guessed, a-and she started to explain her t-thoughts to my ally Aphelandra… B-BUT!" Marguerite yelped as she noticed Hancock shooting a deadly glance up at her sisters. "W-When I-I realized that she was p-probably right, I d-dissuaded them, convinced them they were wrong. I-I knew that y-you must have a reason that you w-wouldn't tell us, t-that's why I c-came alone! N-Not even my partner Kaa knows!"

The Gorgon Sisters exchanged looks. Hancock in particular looked marginally less upset, and even contemplative. Ultimately, however, she pinned Marguerite with a pitiless stare. "You have my thanks, Marguerite."

The warrior blinked at her in confusion…

 _SNRK!_

"GYAGH!" Marguerite screamed in agony as the serpent-women's coils tightened further, ignoring what little Haki she'd erected.

"Your discretion means that we won't have to harm anyone else in order to maintain our privacy."

"P-Princess…" Marguerite wheezed.

"Such an intelligent warrior…" Marigold growled as she circled around her captive. "Such a shame that her foolishness led to her suffering such an ignoble death."

"Yesss," Sandersonia hissed in agreement as she followed her sister. "If only she hadn't slipped while feeding my dear Bacura. She might have even been a member of the crew one day." She unhinged her jaws and flashed her fangs in a vicious leer. " _Oh, well!"_

And with that, the sisters lashed down—

" _Don don don don!"_

—before freezing as the Transponder Snail the Boas had brought with them started ringing.

Sonia snapped her mouth shut and crossed her arms with an irritated hiss. "Why am I even surprised, his sense of timing is always like this," she grumbled.

"It would appear that you get to live a little longer, Marguerite," Marigold muttered, though she only loosened enough to grant the Kuja half a breath. "Considering the Strawhats' typical integrity, I for one find it would be in… bad taste to do something so unsavory during the SBS, regardless of the necessity."

Hancock sniffed as she brought up the snail. "I suppose there's no harm in waiting a few minutes or hours; she's not going anywhere." With nary another thought to their captive, she picked up the snail's microphone, causing it to awaken with a _very_ familiar shit-eating grin.

" _Nine Seakings, ten seakings! Aaand that's all we're waiting for! Hello, ladies and gentlemen of this fine and fucked up world we live in, my name is Jeremiah Cross and with me is my co-host—!"_

" **The unmistakable** _ **AND UNFORGETTABLE**_ **SOUNDBITE!"**

" _Indeed, and it is my honor to tell you all that—!"_

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

Cross's proclamation was cut off by a rapping noise coming from his end.

" _Eh? The heck?"_ There came the creaky noise of a door opening. " _Leo? What do you want?"_

" _Oh, nothing in particular, I just wanted to tell you that it's time to start the SBS."_

" _Oh, well, that's just fine, then, thanks for telling me!"_ And with that, the door shut. " _Now, where was I… oh, right, it's time to start the—HEY, WAIT A SECOND! DAMN IT, LEO, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU BEING ONE OF THE SERIOUS ONES!?"_

" _ **TRAITOR!"**_ Soundbite roared in agreement.

"How is it that despite knowing that it's coming every time, that joke never stops being funny?" Sonia snickered.

"Some things are just sacred like that…" Marigold sighed wistfully.

"… _grrggh! BAH! Screw it! The universe might be against me, but I'm not going to stop trying! I'm going to manage to start this thing again if it's the last thing I do!"_

" _AND I'M_ **going to** _ **stop you again**_ **IF IT'S THE LAST THING THAT** _ **I**_ **DO!"**

" _Challenge accepted. Alright, anyways, moving on. People of the world, a while back I promised to speak on the topic I will share with you today, a very important one at that, and considering that I've got a lot more time on my hands now, it is my opinion that I may as well dive on into it. Today's topic? The fishmen. Or rather, both fishmen and merfolk… and tolerance."_

The three sisters promptly stiffened in shock as every iota of their attention was locked on to the snail, ignoring even the slight tingles of fire and pain they felt dancing on their backs.

" _Now, for those of you who know of this crew's reputation from before we created the SBS, you may find it strange that I would want to speak favorably of fishmen, considering what happened with Arlong. In response to you who wonder that, it's the same standards that I go by with pirates and Marines: one fragment is not necessarily a fair representation of the whole. Which actually brings me around to the central point of this particular discussion: explaining just why we hate one another, when in the end,_ we're all exactly the same. … _Heh, I imagine that I just confused a lot of people, considering how the entire topic is based around our differences, huh? Let me try and explain what I'm talking about."_

 **-o-**

" _Well, let's start with defining our differences, so that you can understand_ why _defining their species by them is, frankly, ridiculous. Fishmen and Merfolk are, as their names so clearly imply, part fish. Sometimes the traits that define them as such are blatantly obvious, such as tails, fins, gills, extra limbs, and so on and so forth. They've developed martial arts styles that let them manipulate water as they like, they're physically stronger by about ten times than any normal human—though considering the Grand Line, let's be honest, that's not saying much—and, of course, most poignant and definitive of all, they can survive underwater as easily, if not better than, if they were on land. When you put all that together, you get a person who's nothing at all like an average human, don't you? Someone who can do the impossible and who looks completely different, right? Well, see… I can actually name humans_ just _like that: Devil Fruit users."_

"What does he mean, Martin? Devil Fruit users can't swim—" asked a young blue tang fishgirl.

"Shh! Quiet, Lori, we'll get in trouble if we get caught!" hissed an older and much more serious clownfish fishboy, who took the time to glance out into the darkened streets of the Fishman District and guarantee that yes, nobody with a _very_ specific tattoo was around to see them. "Why do you think we're listening to this in an alleyway?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, if Hody's guys find us they'll crack our skulls together, but still—!"

"He'll probably explain, now shush!"

" _Allow me to clarify a bit: Devil Fruit users are capable of incredible, impossible feats, things beyond the capabilities of even fishmen, and yet… we still treat them as human. Why? Because they look like every other human? Because intellectually, we know that they were born human? In case you haven't noticed, there's a rather spectacular double-standard going on here: we hate fishmen for being different, but we don't hate Devil Fruit users_ in spite _of them being different. Well, there are admittedly a few people who see people with Abilities as monsters, but I'm fairly certain those are just uneducated hicks, or the user in question has_ earned _that reputation, so I'm counting them as exceptions. Anyway, where was I…"_

"Yeah, where was he?"

"Lori, have you been skipping your pills again?"

"They make my head spin!"

"They make your head _work!"_

" _Ah, right, now I remember!"_ Cross chuckled sheepishly. " _Now then, now that I've defined just how we're different let me tell you how we're_ similar. _Let's start from the most simple: we're all made of the same stuff. Same flesh, same bone, same blood. We bleed the same, we breathe the same, half the time anyways, and we eat the same. When it comes to lifestyle, they're still the same: they live, they love… and they even hate. Yes, some fishmen, like Arlong or those like him, hate humans just as much as some humans hate fishmen. But the question is… why do we hate each other? As I've just pointed out, our differences aren't all that pressing, while our similarities are through the roof! Come the final tally… we're all one and the same. So… why? Why do our species hate each other so thoroughly?"_

"Hey, he's actually got a good point," the blue tang fishgirl pointed out.

The clownfish glanced out of the alleyway for a second before gesturing for her to go on.

"Well, Hody and his guys always tell us that humans are bad and junk, right? But I've never even really seen a human, and I don't think I've ever heard about humans doing anything to them either, _and_ from what I've been hearing via the SBS they actually sound pretty cool! So…" Lori tilted her head in confusion. "Why do Hody and his guys say we have to hate him?"

Martin opened his mouth to respond, then slowly closed it without a word.

" _Now, before I go on, I'll readily admit that a good number of fishmen and merfolk have every reason to hate our race due to what I described the last time I mentioned fishmen: slavery. I won't go into the specifics, but it's a long and bloody history that's justified hatred for the human race among any who went through that hell, or knows someone who did. And I'll readily admit that I have no point of reference for how they feel, so what I'm saying here may not be all that reasonable. But even so, the fact is that for every fishmen that's been enslaved, there are still others who haven't. There's a new generation who haven't ever met the other race, who should have no grudge against them, but are still being told that they must hate them anyway. There are fishmen who've never met humans, and humans who have never met fishmen… and yet, they know with all their hearts that they must hate one another without mercy. Why do they hate each other, if they've never even met each other? If they have no personal grudges? The answer is simple… yet_ horrifying."

The fish-children leaned in close, listening intently.

" _They hate one another… for the sheer sake of hatred itself."_

Lori opened her mouth to say something…

"Oi, you two."

And then she and Martin both froze as a pair of hands clamped down on their heads and a _sickeningly_ familiar voice sounded behind them.

"Tell me…"

The children's heads were turned against their will, forcing them to stare down the leering beak of the New Fishman Pirates' primary recruiter.

"What the hell…" Hammond hissed viciously. "Do you think you're doin'?"

Martin swallowed heavily, fighting to keep his bladder under control. "N-N-Nothin'… j-just killing time…"

"Y-Yeah, yeah!" Lori nodded frantically in agreement.

"Oh, really, now?" Hammond slowly cocked his eyebrow. "Because it looks to me…" He turned their heads back to stare at the snail. "Like you two're listening to that human _drivel_ that Captain Hody outlawed from the Fishman District. After all, the last thing any _decent_ fishman needs to waste their time on is listening to a _human_."

"W-W-We're _sorry…"_ Lori whimpered tearfully.

"Heh…" Hammond's leer widened by several teeth. "Funny thing, that. The last bloke we caught listening to this garbage, he was sorry too. Pleaded and pleaded, but he said he _liked_ listening to the damn thing." The pike conger fishman leaned in close to the kids so that he was hissing in their ears. "Ya know what we did to him?"

Martin's eyes shot wide in panic. "Nonono, please don't, we'll never listen again, we promise, we—!"

"That's right!" Hammond crowed as he forced the clownfish-kid forward so that he was face to face with his borrowed Transponder Snail. "Since he said he liked the human's words so much, we made him _eat them._ Rather clever play on words, that. Came up with it myself, made the boss laugh, all poetic and junk. And would ya look at that! This here source of words is an adult one! That's good!" He forced Lori forward as well so that she was side by side with Martin. "That means that you two can _share."_

"Nononono—!"/"Please, I-I'll do anything, just leave her alone, _please—!"_

"Ah, will you two _shaddup already?"_ Hammond shook his head with an aggravated growl. "You kids don't seem to understand here: either you prove that you're actually sorry about listening to that garbage…" He cracked his neck side to side. "Or we make _certain_ that you never listen to it agai—GRK!"

The New Fishman Pirate's diatribe was suddenly cut off by a massive blue hand encircling his throat and crushing his windpipe shut.

"Let. Them. Go."

Hammond promptly complied, whipping his hands away from the kids' heads in favor of scrabbling at the fingers that were choking the life out of him.

The blue-skinned whale shark fishman glared bloody murder at the conger fishman for a second before sparing the children a concerned glance. "Are you two alright?"

Martin and Lori nodded in confirmation.

"That's good," Jinbe sighed in relief before putting a finger up. "Please be patient for a moment." He then darkened his expression as he lifted Hammond off the ground and twisted his grip so that he could stare him in the eye. "Now, you listen, and you listen good, you two-bit slaving _hypocrite._ You are going to go back to Hody and you are going to tell him that I am enforcing a _new_ taboo in the Fishman District: anyone who tries to stop anyone else from listening to the SBS will have to deal with _me._ Do I make myself clear?"

Hammond gurgled in both terror and fury as the grip on his throat loosened just enough for him to speak. "You… _traitor…_ Hody's gonna—!"

Jinbe jerked Hammond close, so that their faces were only a few inches apart, and _snarled,_ emphasizing his size and fangs as much as he possibly could.

Hammond paled and started nodding frantically. "A-Alright, alright, alright! I-I'll tell him, I'll tell him, I sw—!"

"Good."

Without further ado, the fishman Warlord smoothly turned his torso and swung his arm, and one second later, the New-Fishman Pirate slammed into the building across the street from the alleyway.

"Now leave," Jinbei ordered in a barely calm tone. "And if you say anything else—!"

Judging by how fast the slaver shot down the street, the whale-shark fishman had gotten his point across.

Jinbe glared after him for a second longer before taking a moment to soften his expression and look back at the children. "You're both certain you're alright, yes?"

Martin and Lori looked at one another for a second before nodding firmly.

"Yeah, we're fine. It takes more than that to hurt a fishman!" Lori proclaimed proudly.

"We're as tough as Fisher Tiger himself!" Martin concurred.

Jinbei smiled proudly as he leaned down and patted their heads. "Yes. Yes, you most certainly are. Now then, if you'll excuse me," he said as he stood up and turned to exit the alley. "I need to go and make sure the rest of Hody's crew gets the message properly. Please, feel free to keep listening to the SBS, and make sure your friends listen too. It's quite educational."

"Yes, sir!" the clownfish-kid nodded.

Jinbei started walking…

"Ah, sir?"

Before pausing and glancing back as Lori tugged on his pants leg. "Yes?"

"Uh, well…" the blue tang girl kicked the ground shyly. "Mister Cross said that Hody and his guys hate humans… just _because,_ right?

Jinbei's expression saddened slightly before he nodded. "Yes, that's correct."

The girl's face twisted in confusion. "But… But that's just _stupid! …_ Isn't it?"

The Warlord stood stock still for a moment…

And then he slowly turned around, crouched down, and patted the girl's head with a _very_ proud smile.

"Yes. Yes, it is. That is _exactly_ right," he confirmed, tears shimmering in the corners of his eyes.

 **-o-**

" _Now, again, I can't speak for those who have true darkness in their pasts. But for the rest, the ones yet unaffected, I believe that it should be plain and self-evident just how utterly_ asinine _this motivation is. To propagate love for the sake of love, fun for the sake of fun, happiness for the sake of happiness? These are all perfectly acceptable motivations. But to propagate hatred for the sheer sake of hatred itself… there is no justification. No acceptable motivation, no righteous enough cause, and_ definitely _no benefit that anyone with a heart or a lick of sense would consider acceptable. In the end, hatred… is utterly pointless."_

In a kingdom of pure white, hidden from the rest of the world, a former amnesiac and a brocade perch fishman observed as their female friend listened to the SBS broadcast with an expression of sheer, unrestrained _joy_ on her face.

"I was looking forward to him talking about this from the second he first mentioned fishmen," she whispered more to herself than anyone. "And I… I am _not_ disappointed."

" _I know that I must seem preachy or naïve or stupid to so many, I'm sure, but… honestly, the fact of the matter is that_ somebody _has to say it. Somebody has to say this to everyone, all at once, and_ make _them realize… make them realize that this has to end. This cycle of hatred, of revenge… if we keep grinding against each other, then one way or another, it's all gonna end in pain. As a wise man from my homeland once said, 'An eye for an eye shall make the whole world go blind.'"_

There was a brief period of silence as Cross seemed to gather his thoughts, followed by him sighing heavily. " _Look… my words are nice and all… but the fact is that this cycle, this hatred? It's never gonna end unless somebody does more than speak. It's not gonna end until someone… until a_ lot _of someones extend their hands in friendship. In kindness. And this can't just be from one side, either. I know… I know that there are elements on Fishman Island doing the good work, fighting for the beautiful dream of peace and unity, but that's not enough. If we want peace, if we want the hatred to end on both sides, then we_ need _to meet them halfway. Somebody has to take that first step… and hold out their hand."_

Koala hiccuped tearfully as she cradled her own hand. She jumped slightly when a hand landed on her shoulder, but she smiled up at its owner when she recognized whose it was. Hack smiled back kindly as he gave a reassuring squeeze.

" _And as much as quite a few people, and myself, if we're being honest, would like for it to be, that somebody is just not me. It_ can't _be me. I've got a big voice, sure, but I can't speak for everyone. I can't speak for the fishman rescued from slavery. I can't speak for the human brutalized by fishman pirates. I don't_ know _their stories, their experiences, not in that unique way only those who have experienced it do. It just doesn't have enough_ weight _coming from me. I… ergh, I'm rambling a bit, but… look, the point is that whoever it is that takes that first step, it has to be someone who has heard both sides… no, not heard both sides. Someone who has heard and_ listened."

"So, Koala…" Sabo started lightly, slowly allowing his usual grin to slide back into place. "Are you still going to kick his ass when you meet him in person?"

Koala blinked as she mulled the thought over before folding her arms behind her head and adopting a mulish expression. "Most definitely. First I'm gonna give him the mother of all concussions with a palm straight to his skull!"

In spite of being behind her, neither Sabo nor Hack missed the soft grin that had grown on Koala's face, or the lines of water dripping from her eyes.

"And then…" she whispered. "I'm going to break every bone in his body with the mother of all hugs."

 **-o-**

" _Well, that's all I have to say on the matter for now. Now, on to more positive matters—!"_

 _CLICK!_

Sandersonia and Marigold jumped in shock as they were broken out of the miniature trance they'd been in. They were equally shocked by the sight of Hancock pressing her finger to the Transponder Snail's cradle, forcing it back to sleep.

"S-Sister, what—?" Sandersonia started to stammer.

"Quiet," Hancock ordered, her voice quiet but firm. "I need to think."

The Zoan-users promptly complied and allowed a tense silence to fill the air, interrupted only by Marguerite's labored, raspy breathing.

Hancock's head remained bowed for several minutes, and then she stepped towards her sisters, taking hold of Marguerite's chin and forcing her hanging head up so as to stare her in the eye. "What was your intention coming to ask us about our powers?" she asked, not in a cold voice, but rather a calm and measured one.

Marguerite swallowed, clearing her throat as she mustered the strength needed to speak. "I… I only wanted to understand better. You are the strongest and most beautiful warriors in all of Amazon Lily, and… I wanted to know w-why you would keep the true source of your m-magnificient powers a secret. I…" Marguerite trailed off as tears started to leak from her eyes. "I…In retrospect… it's so obvious… the reason you would lie… despite being so strong and so proud… it's something you're all ashamed of, isn't it? Something… Something horrible. And I…"

Sandersonia and Marigold glanced uncomfortably at each other as the Kuja started crying, and not from the pain either.

Marguerite shook her head with a sob. "I'm sorry… so sorry… I-I shouldn't have—! I should have _realized—!"_

The Kuja's babbling stopped abruptly as Hancock placed a hand on her cheek. Looking up at the empress, Marguerite saw that she was smiling warmly once again.

"It's alright," the Pirate Empress said softly. "I forgive you."

"ARE YOU—?!" the serpentine giants started to roar before Hancock silenced them with a raised hand. The Snake Princess refocused her attention on Marguerite and _gently_ imposed her will on her. More than her meager—if relatively impressive—willpower could withstand, but not enough to utterly strike her down, instead gently sliding her into the realm of oblivion.

Hancock tossed her hair as she took a step back and looked up at her green-haired sibling. "Sonia," she stated firmly, her voice brooking no argument. "Take Marguerite to the nearest doctor. Inform her that she was caught in our training, that it was an accident and that she is not to be punished."

The anaconda hybrid still looked incredulous and a second away from mutiny, but nevertheless she ultimately transferred Marguerite from her tail to her arms and shot down the stands and into a corridor heading out of the arena.

Once she was gone, Marigold reverted to her human state and turned towards Hancock with just as much incredulity. "Sister, she _knows._ And it's already a pure miracle that no one else has realized it! What on earth are you thinking?"

Hancock refused to meet her gaze, staring at the ground as she spoke. "Tell me, Mari… Over the years, over the course of our rule over our home…" The Empress's hand strayed unbidden towards her back. "How many of _their_ habits do you think we've adopted?"

"Wha— _none,_ sister! We would never be like _them!"_ Marigold responded fervently.

Hancock's lips quirked into a melancholy smile as she let out a dry chuckle. "Yes… That would once have been my answer, too… but in retrospect?" She slowly turned her gaze to stare at the Transponder Snail snoozing a few feet away. "Hatred for hatred's sake, judging the totality by the actions of the minority, unnecessary cruelty…" Hancock slowly sank onto one of the stadium's benches, a shaky smile spreading across her lips even as she cradled her face in her hand. "I now think that the answer would be 'too many.'"

Marigold opened her mouth to say something, to say anything to refute her sister's thoughts—then opened it even further as she realized that she just couldn't think of anything. "Oh… Oh, God…"

Hancock chuckled again as she nodded in agreement. "Indeed, indeed…" She lapsed into silence for a moment before speaking again. "You know what the worst part of all this is?" she said with a sad smile, tears streaming down her face all the while. "I'm actually going to have to _concede_ to that old witch's demands and get some therapy. How… How pathetic is that?"

Marigold took that in before slowly shaking her head, a bitter smile on her own face. "Less pathetic than we would be if that loud-mouth hadn't started that show and we'd never realized our hypocrisy."

Hancock chuckled at that. Her chuckle slowly evolved into laughter, which evolved to take on a hysterical tone, and then devolved into sobs, at which point Marigold hastily enveloped her in a hug, letting her sister cry herself out as long as she needed.

 **-o-**

"— _and throw in a few cups of rubbing alcohol. After that, just let it stew for a few days and voila! You have a bottle of foolproof bugspray that reeks to high heaven! Fair warning, don't use this on covert ops unless you're heading somewhere that smells like hell, because you sure as heck will!"_

"Apapapa! Now, that certainly sounds useful!" Apoo whispered as he leaned back into his seat, arms twisted into a comfortable position so that he could finish writing the recipe down. "Good for both pranks and to keep from getting bugbitten! It's a really nice change of subject after that heavy stuff earlier!"

" _Hm… what else…"_ Cross mused before sighing wearily. " _Ah, geeze, I shoulda planned things out better, I don't have any material! Hrm… oh, I know! How about I pass things off to Soundbite for some music, hm? To pass the time?"_

" **Sounds good to me!** _I GOT A GOOD SONG_ _ **in mind!"**_

" _Well, alright, then, let's do it!_ Allons-y!"

Apoo promptly shot out of in his chair and slammed a hand down next to his active Transponder Snail, grinning eagerly as his other hand snatched up the snail's mic, where it had been lying next to the snail proper. "Apapa!" he whispered to himself. " _Finally, it's showtime!"_

" _Livin' on sponge cake,_

 _Watchin' the sun bake;_

 _All of those tourists covered with oil._

 _Strummin' my six-string on my front porch swing._

 _Smell those shrimp, hey, they're beginnin' to boi—!"_

Apoo chose that point to take ahold of his lower jaw and _twist,_ causing his mandible to spin and his teeth to grind together in such a way that they produced a staticky noise. The static traveled through his mic, across the connection that he'd established a few minutes prior, and then out of the mouths of every Transponder Snail in the world connected to the SBS, cutting Soundbite's music off and causing him to squawk in well-faked panic.

"WHAT THE _**heck?!"**_

" _Huh?"_ Cross blinked in surprise. " _What was that, Soundbite?"_

" **Not a clue! ALL OF** _a sudden it WAS LIKE SOMEONE WAS—!"_

The long-arm-man twisted his jaw again, producing a longer and more wavery squawk of static.

"YEOW, THAT _**stung! WHAT THE HELL'S**_ _GOING O—!?"_

Apoo twisted his jaw harshly a third and final time. Once he finished producing the electronic squeal, Apoo adopted a wide grin and belted out an eager cackle. "APAPAPA! Finally! After all that time searching, I've cracked your signal! Move over, Cross, the Roar of the Sea is taking over the SBS!"

" _Wha—!? Wait, 'Roar of the—'! Hang on, I know you!"_ Cross barked in shock. " _You're Apoo, aren't you!? Apoo, Long-Arm-Tribesman and Captain of the On-Air Pirates!"_

"Apapapa! I take it my reputation precedes me, hm?" Apoo preened proudly.

"' _Reputation'!?"_ Cross spat in a voice full of vitriol. " _Hardly! You're just a_ _70 million blowhard who my captain could pick out of his teeth, with bad taste in music to boot! What the hell are you doing on my show!?"_

Apoo hastily snapped a hand to his mouth in order to obscure his snicker before adopting a scowl and responding. "First of all, that's seventy- _five_ million! Get it right, you no-bounty big mouth!"

" _ **BIG MOUTH?"**_ Soundbite roared. " **YOU** _HAVE THE_ **GALL** TO CALL _ANYONE_ _ **BIG MOUTH?!**_ _THAT'S FUCKING RICH!"_

"And _second!"_ Apoo pressed on, ignoring Soundbite's taunt save for a withheld chuckle. "Tastes in music are exactly why I'm here! Ever since your dumbass snail started blaring that drivel it has the gall to call 'music', I knew that I had to get on to this show no matter the cost!"

" _The hell are you on about, you incompetent excuse for a disc jockey!?"_

It took all of Apoo's willpower to contort his mouth so that he was sporting a leer rather than a grin. "I'm saying that you and your slimeball of a snail's music sucks every inch of ass it can! It's absolute junk, total garbage that's an absolute waste of time to listen to! So, for the sake of audio everywhere and forever, I've been dedicating my skills to trying to hack onto your broadcast for one purpose and one purpose only!"

" _And what the hell would_ that _be?"_ Cross growled, his voice utterly _dripping_ with contempt.

Apoo smirked deviously, and that was one emotion that he _didn't_ need to fake. "Why, what else? To _educate_ you on what music really is! Ladies and gentlemen of the world, I am _truly_ happy to welcome you all to Scratchman Apoo's Music Hour!"

" _ **APOO'S**_ **WHAT!?"** Soundbite roared indignantly. " _ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR_ **salt-addled mind!? I WOULDN'T VOMIT YOUR** _garbage if you_ FED ME A BOTTLE OF IPECAC!"

Apoo had to turn away in order to hide his silently laughing mouth, spending a solid minute pounding on the wall before turning back with a leer. "Yeah, well, you're _going_ to spread it all across the world whether you like it or not, you Subpar Bullshit Spewers! _APAPAPAPAPA!"_

For a _second,_ less than an instant, a smile flashed across the snail's face; Apoo was _certain_ that he would have missed it if he wasn't already looking for it. The next instant, however, the snail was back to scowling furiously. " _You wide-mouthed long-limbed degenerate piece of-!"_

"Okay, I think we've all had heard enough of mister blowhard!" Apoo whistled innocently before twisting his jaw again, sending out another flurry of static.

" _Hey wha—_ _ **ZRRRK!**_ — _You ca—_ _ **ZRRRK!**_ — _I'm gonna—_ _ **ZRRRK!**_ — _rip your—_ _ **ZRRRK!**_ — _and then—_ _ **ZRRRRRRRK-**_ CLICK!"

"Oh, dear, ladies and gentlemen! It appears that Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite have been disconnected. _What a pity,"_ Apoo drawled. "Now, as I was saying, let's get to Scratchman Apoo's Music Hour! Our first selection, a piece of music very near and dear to my people's hearts! Sit back, relax, and enjoy the sound of music _not_ being pumped from a Sea King's bowels!"

And with that, the living instrument maestro began to play the Long-Arm Tribe's national anthem. And as he smiled and played, said maestro could only hope that his fellow musical friends were having _half_ as much fun as he was.

 **-o-**

"PFFHAHAHAHA _HAAAA_ HAHAHA!" I alternately roared and wheezed, pounding my fist on the crate I was leaning over. "OH, MY GOD, THAT WAS _HILARIOUS!_ PFFHAHAHAHA!"

" _HOOHOOHOO_ **HEEHEEHEE** _ **HAHAHA!"**_ Soundbite cackled in agreement. " _They actually think_ _ **we hate each other!**_ **NO ONE HAS A** _ **CLUE!"**_

"We are _evil_ bastards, EEEVIIIIIL! PFFHAHAHAHAAAAA!" I crowed ecstatically.

As Soundbite and I revelled in the genius of our ruse, I reran what, exactly, the ruse _was_ in my head.

In essence, back on Skypiea, Soundbite, Apoo and I had collaborated to engineer a form of DJ feud. First, before I started the SBS, I called Apoo on Soundbite so that we had an open line running throughout the broadcast. Then, once I was good and ready, I spoke a predetermined buzzword to get Apoo's attention. Once that happened, he 'took over' my show and proceeded to strike up the mother of all radio-station feuds with me, trading insults and 'shutting down' Soundbite before deploying his own music. And this was just the start; in time, I'd 'learn to disrupt his disruption', and then we'd be giving a different meaning to 'fighting music'!

It was gonna be _sooo_ much fun and I just couldn't wait!

Sadly enough, however, this particular session was coming to a close as I recognized the notes that indicated that the song Apoo was playing was coming to a close.

"A— _hoo!—_ Alright, Soundbite, alright…" I wheezed as I reined my laughter back into control. "Showtime again, let's play it cool. Think you can keep the mirth out of my voice?"

"I'LL— _HEEHEEHEE—_ **I'LL NEED TO** _ **pull double-duty**_ **,** _but I'll try!"_ Soundbite snickered.

As we drew in gasps to calm ourselves down, Apoo finally brought his song to an end. " _Well, that's my time, people! With any luck, I've fixed the damage those two dipshits have done to your musical palates! For now, I have to go, pirate business to handle, but don't worry! I'll be back whenever those pathetic excuses of 'entertainers' dare insult the good name of music! Apoo out, apapa!"_

I had to cough out a few chuckles behind my fist before I managed to get some semblance of anger and indignation into my voice, which I managed with relative ease by thinking of Zoro's exercises. An electric click came over the connection, indicating that I was 'back in control'. "Triple-jointed menace…" I grumbled. "Alright, viewers, the good news is that the SBS is finally back under our righteous control. The bad news is that I am officially too burned out to bother continuing the show, and really, it's worn on enough as is. Well, at least I can satisfy myself knowing that I got the important stuff out of the way—"

"SPEAK FOR _**yourself!"**_ Soundbite whined, seeming almost ready to cry. " _I WANT MY_ **MUSIC CORNER!"**

"Mmph… well, we'll just have to make sure that this doesn't happen again," I sighed, trying to force being cut down and dropped hard to the deck to the forefront of my mind to mask my mirth. "Well, viewers, that'll be it for now. So, until next time, when maybe we won't have our introduction _and_ our show stolen, this is Jeremiah Cross—"

" **And** _ **Soundbite…"**_

"Of the SBS, signing off."

I hung up the transceiver… and promptly fell back on the ground laughing. It took another minute or so before I could bring myself to speak calmly.

"Hoo… ha… alright. Well, that was fun! So!" I clapped my hands as I sat up. "How long do you think we have left before we get to Water 7?"

"LAND HO!" came Usopp's excited voice from out on the deck.

" _I guess not very long,"_ Soundbite drawled in a deep masculine voice.

"Oh, come on, Soundbite, save Andre's voice for someone who deserves it," I scolded goodnaturedly.

" _Fine,_ _ **FINE.**_ "

Nodding, I picked him and the transceiver up and walked out the door before turning to climb the stairs. "Now then, let's get a look at our next destinatioooo _ooooh holy_ SHIT." I felt my jaw drop as I took in the sight before me.

" **Ditto…"** Soundbite nodded in awe.

It… It never really sank in until I saw it, you know? It was so… so _obvious_ in retrospect. According to Tom, the shipwrights of Water 7 had had their mitts on the blueprints for Pluton for generations.

They'd had the blueprints for a weapon from the _Blank Century_ for generations.

That meant that Water 7, like Alabasta, had been present since the Century.

Now, granted, the architecture had changed over the years on account of the island sinking and Aqua Laguna, but I only need to glance at the architecture of the island to know that its history was still alive and well.

How else could an entire city essentially _be_ a fountain? A massive, singular love letter to the very element of water, gushing thousands of gallons of liquid - and I was probably seriously lowballing that number - thousands of feet into the air, all day every day without interruption. How else could there be doors built into the very infrastructure of the city big enough to fit two galleons side by side? How else could there be canals of water large enough to be rivers flowing down the slope of the city, sparsely interrupted by smaller offshoots winding through the blocks, like veins pulsing with the metropolis' lifeblood?

Water 7… it wasn't just any old Grand Line city. It was a living, _breathing_ testament of resistance, its very _existence_ a monument of defiance in the face of the World Government, Mother Nature, and their best efforts to bury the truth of what happened so many centuries ago!

It was, in a word, absolutely _breathtaking._

I licked my lips as I finally got my mind working again. "Wow…" I breathed.

" **You can say** _that again…"_ Soundbite whispered.

"Wow…" Conis repeated in my stead.

I blinked as her gasp brought me out of my own stupor, shooting her a grin. "The Grand Line never fails to impress, huh?"

A goofy grin slowly slid across Conis' face as she shook her head eagerly. "No. No, it does _not."_

"I am currently of the opinion that I _love_ this mad ocean!" Su giggled as she waved her tail.

"I think I'm getting a hint of how Luffy feels about spoilers," Mikey mumbled in awe. "I wouldn't give up this feeling for the _world."_

"Are you kidding?" Raphey scoffed fervently. "Even if Cross _had_ said that the island was a giant fountain, this wouldn't be any less amazing."

"I know _exactly_ what you're talking about," Vivi giggled euphorically. "I've seen this island almost half a dozen times in my life, but I swear that every time is even more breathtaking than the last."

Sadly, as great as it was to observe the splendor of Water 7, the moment just couldn't last forever. Nami was the first to snap out of it, and she turned to me with a questioning look. "So, Cross, where should we dock?"

"Hmm…" I tapped my chin thoughtfully for a second before shrugging. "Eh, why not kill two birds with one stone? Let's circle around the island, the Franky House is on a peninsula, and we can—"

"That's not a good idea!" called a voice from beside the ship. A quick glance revealed an unremarkable boat inhabited by a middle-aged man with a fishing rod in his hand who'd drifted near us without us noticing.

"What do you mean, it's not a good idea?" Sanji asked curiously.

"I don't know what business you guys have with the Franky Family, but if you're going to approach their house, the only safe way is the front door," the fisherman replied grimly. "They've got booby traps out the wazoo to prevent attacks from the sea, plus those two King Bulls of theirs are monsters if they think you're a threat. I lost one of my better boats when I made the mistake of sailing into a keel-ripper they had submerged."

I grimaced and slapped a hand to my forehead. "Argh, right, that figures. They hunt _pirates,_ they'd want to make sure that nobody with a grudge could just come up and blast their house to pieces with cannonfire." I clicked my tongue dispassionately. "Well, that's annoying. In that case, what's the best place for us to dock our ship so that we can get in contact with Galley-La and _not_ get jumped by Marine or World Government stooges while we're away?"

"There's a cape that pirates always use, over that way!" the fisherman said, gesturing down the coast and away from the city proper. "Try and hide it from plain view if you can, those Government types really like to pry!"

"Don't have to tell _us_ twice…" Vivi bit out acridly as she marched away to grab up a line of Merry's rigging.

"Oh, and one more thing!" the fisherman said quickly. "Do you know about Aqua Laguna?"

I processed that, and then my heart skipped a beat; I thought that the timeline was paused on Long Ring Long Land, but I forgot about that monster of a wave! If we missed it—!… Actually, if we missed it, we'd be better off for it, wouldn't we? "Yeah, what about it?" I called out to him, fighting to keep the hope out of my voice.

"Well, it's just that it's scheduled to come in tomorrow night or thereabouts, and it's predicted that it's going to be the biggest one in living history!"

I snapped my fingers with a curse. " _So close!"_

"What's Aqua Laguna?" Usopp asked in confusion.

"Oh, it's an annual tsunami that strikes the island like clockwork," Vivi explained casually as she pulled on Merry's lines. "It's common knowledge around here actu…al…ly…" she trailed off as she noticed how quiet things had gotten before spinning around and scowling at our accusatory _looks._ "Alright, in my defense, I have absolutely _no_ reason to keep track of Water 7's tsunami schedule! Even if I had remembered it before now, how could I have _possibly_ known that we would be arriving at the one time of the year that it would hit?"

"I'm sorry, have you even _seen_ this crew!?" Su scoffed in disbelief.

Vivi opened her mouth to protest, and then shut it with a hiss of frustration.

"Well, either way, I suggest you kids rent a bunker for your ship sometime soon and then get some rooms on the upper level!" The fisherman indicated the higher parts of the city. "Be careful, or else the sea might swallow you whole!"

"We will, thanks!" Luffy waved gratefully as we sailed off.

A few minutes later, we were anchored off the coast of the cape he'd pointed out, and in the process of removing the bags of solid gold from storage, as well as the solid mass that we'd cut up and reforged throughout the ship. Usopp and Boss were in the process of forging the wealth into a rather hefty pile of ingots, while Nami ran calculations and the rest of us relaxed and waited for her final tally. We were all wiling away the time in our own way: Robin was reading, Conis was cleaning the arsenal she was sporting with Su's nimble help, and Chopper was messing around with a chemistry set with only a few mad mutters here and there.

Finally, Nami looked up from her books and glanced at me over the brim of the glasses that I was _certain_ she didn't need. "Alright. Cross, the biggest thing for me to consider right now: how much is the new ship going to cost?"

I grimaced at both the answer I was going to give and the reminder of our circumstances, but my voice was firm. "The thing that set the Oro Jackson apart is that it was built out of the strongest wood in the world, the wood of the immortal Jewel Tree Adam. The stuff is outlawed now because of the fact that ships made from it are all but unkillable, but if you've got enough money, like we do, and the right contacts in the black market—"

"Like I'm guessing Franky does?" Donny guessed.

I snapped my fingers and pointed at the dugong before continuing. "—then you can find some of it for sale. Of course…" I swallowed as I built up my nerve. "As you can imagine, the illicit and valuable nature of the good makes it quite… expensive."

Nami was silent for a moment before folding her hands on the table, her eyes firmly shut. "… How much?"

I flinched back nervously. "… He used ฿200 million originally, but considering the size of our crew and how much gold we have available… I'd say we let him run with 500 and see what he comes back with?"

In an instant, everyone near me jerked away as though they were waiting for me to be struck by a meteor… or _lightning_. I couldn't blame them, seeing as I myself had thrown my arms up in defense.

However… Nami didn't react. Rather, she just _stared_ at me over the brim of her glasses, not moving, not twitching, maybe not even _breathing._ Finally, however, she slowly slid her glasses off, clicked them shut, and pinched the bridge of her nose with a weary sigh. "Let me be perfectly clear here, Cross: you are so _very_ lucky that we're far enough beyond any normal definition of rich that that amount of money barely makes a dent in our finances. Or else…"

"Got it, got it, never again without damn good reason, I swear…" I waved my hands placatingly before allowing myself a sigh of relief as she turned her attention back to the books.

"Alright, listen up," Nami ordered casually. "My initial estimate back on Skypiea was at least ฿2 billion. But after becoming more intimately familiar with our hoard—"

"Unhealthily so," Robin muttered with a slight twitch to her eye.

"—I've found that, even if the SBS hasn't increased the value of this particular gold through fame or infamy alone, we have approximately 50% more than I expected. After taking out ฿500 million for the new ship, and another 500 million to prove to Iceburg that we can deal, we're left with ฿2 billion. And as we… _agreed_ on Skypiea, a full billion of that goes to the crew as a whole."

Grins all around.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," Nami groused as she shuffled her papers. "Now, while that means we can definitely afford some luxuries, we can't go overboard if we don't want to get back to the point where we barely have enough for Sanji's shopping list. So, the funds appropriated for this island are as follows. Chopper, Boss, you get five and a half million for your requests."

"Thanks, Nami!" Chopper said eagerly, while Boss merely pumped his fist.

"Conis, three million for your wardrobe."

"Thank you very much, Nami!" Conis smiled in glee.

"Sanji, ten million for food. Three million for Luffy, seven million for the rest of us."

"Ah, my thanks my most wonderful Nami-swan! I can finally shop without worrying too much about Luffy's stomach!" Sanji swooned happily, before shooting a glare at our obliviously grinning Captain. "At least until he gets his teeth on our meat, anyway. We're getting a lock on the fridge, right?"

"World-class, don't worry."

"Awww!"/"There is a god, and he is _just!"_

"And unless there are any more special requests, everyone else gets two million for spending money," Nami concluded, scanning over the group with a look that just _dared_ anyone to speak up. Nobody did, either too cowed or too happy. "Alright. Obviously, most of that will have to wait until we've cashed in this gold, so for now, we split into three groups. Zoro, you stay here to guard the ship for now."

"Can do," Zoro saluted lazily as he leaned back and promptly fell asleep.

Nami rolled her eyes before nodding at me. "Sanji, Chopper, Robin, you'll take the cash that we have onboard now and get started with the necessary shopping. Everyone else is with me to trade in the gold, then we'll split up to meet with Iceburg and Franky."

"I'll be leading the latter group. Boss, I'll need you to come with me, you and Franky will get on like a house on fire the second you meet," I cut in.

"Oh?" The dugong master cocked a curious eyebrow. "How so?"

"You have…" I hesitated as I looked for the right word. "Similar attitudes."

 _That_ got a massive grin out of Boss. "Color me… _interested."_

"Right…" I trailed off uncomfortably as I contemplated what the _hell_ I had set in motion before moving on. "Alright, besides that… Vivi, I may need your negotiating expertise in case he asks for more, and Conis… well." I gestured at the pile of wealth shining on the deck. "We're gonna be carrying around our weight in gold. Any objections to acting as our muscle?"

Our gunner nodded with a determined smile. "I won't let you down, I swear!"

"Alright, then!" Usopp suddenly crowed, leaping to his feet and pumping his fist in the air. "So it's settled! As of this moment, Operation 'Payday' is underway! Yeah!"

"YEAH!" the rest of us, even Nami and Robin—though she didn't cheer—pumped our fists in the air along with him. We revelled in the joy of the moment—!

 _Pssshhh…_

Before a chemical hiss drew attention to the suddenly-bubbling chemical set lying at Chopper's feet.

The human-reindeer's pupils dilated as he took in the way the liquids were swapping color. "Uh-oh."

"' _Uh-oh'!?"_ Soundbite squawked. " **What's 'uh—'!?"**

 _KER-SPLAT!_

I stood _veeery_ still as I processed what had just happened. Then, _veeery_ slowly, I moved my hand up to my face and wiped off the poly-chromatic ooze that was covering my eyes, along with my… _everything._ A quick glance around at the rest of my crewmates revealed that they were all in much the same state.

"Before anyone can panic or say anything!" Chopper piped up hastily. "I promise you that this stuff is _completely_ benign. And I'm fairly certain that it doesn't hurt paper either, so Nami, Robin, _please_ don't skin me alive."

"We will take that into consideration, Mister Emergency Supplies," Robin droned frigidly.

"Right…" I trailed off uncomfortably before clearing my throat. "Alright, slight change of plans: first we change and get cleaned up, _then_ we head out and begin the operation. All in favor?"

"Aye."

"Then we are agreed."

As most of the crew began filing inside and the dugongs jumped overboard, I took the opportunity to grab Chopper and pull him to the side, specifically out of Robin's line of sight. "I need to talk to you," I informed the diminutive doctor.

"Come on, Cross, I already said it was an accident and that I was sorry, isn't that enough!?" Chopper whined. "If this is about your clothes—!"

"This isn't even remotely about that," I cut him off, and my tone of voice immediately sobered the Zoan.

"What's wrong?" he asked, even having the good grace to lower his voice.

I glanced again in the direction Robin had gone to confirm she was gone before speaking. "When you go out shopping, I need you to stick to Robin like glue. Don't let her leave your sight, don't let her go anywhere alone, tag her with a scent marker if you have to, I don't care. Just make sure that you are _completely_ aware of her at all times. Got it?"

Chopper frowned uncomfortably as he took in what I was saying. "Somebody's going to try and hurt Robin, aren't they?"

I grimaced and shook my head. "Honestly, that's a secondary priority. Right now, I'm more concerned with stopping Robin from hurting _herself."_

"What!?" Chopper squawked in disbelief. "B-But Robin said that she _trusted_ us! Don't you trust her!?"

"I do, I do!" I hastily reassured him, only to grimace and wave my hand side to side. "To an extent, anyway. There are only two… three things in the world that are infinite, Chopper." I started counting down on my fingers. "The universe, Luffy's appetite… and human stupidity."

"Robin is one of the smartest people I know!" the Zoan protested incredulously.

"Up here, yes!" I said, tapping the side of my head. "But there are two kinds of stupidity in the world, Chopper. The stupidity up here…" I moved my finger down to tap my chest. "And the stupidity down _here._ And you know the lengths to which that kind of stupid can push us to, don't you."

Chopper winced as his hoof shot to his banded horn. "Low blow, Cross…" he growled before sighing in defeat. "But… I see your point. I'll be careful."

"Great. Oh, and Chopper!" I stopped him as he started to walk away. "Just… look, Robin's been doing this for years, and the people we're up against are professionals who were _trained_ to do this their whole lives—!"

"What are you trying to say, Cross?"

I was uncomfortably silent for a second before hanging my head with a sigh. "If anything goes wrong… I want you to know that it's not your fault and we don't blame you."

Chopper silently stared at me for a few seconds before turning to face me completely. "I know that I don't really look like it, Cross, but I'm _not_ a little kid. I won't break down over every little mistake I make all the time," he explained in a calm and mature tone. Then he smiled lightly. "But… thanks."

I returned his smile. "Anytime."

 **-o-**

"Ergh…" I groaned as I peeled my shirt off and held it at arm's length. "This stuff might not be chemically toxic, but it sure as heck smells and _feels_ it."

" **BLECH!"** Soundbite spat, sticking his tongue out in disgust.

"Want me to immolate that for you?" Lassoo requested, whining as he clamped his paws over his nose.

I tsk'ed and shook my head as I tossed the ruined article of clothing away. "Oh, how I wish, but the potential for flammability is too high for me to risk it. Once we're done here, this all goes overboard. For now, though…" I turned and started rummaging through the clothes I'd brought with me into the kitchen. "Let's see what's good for today…"

In the end, I settled fo simplicity: plain blue cargo jeans and a white t-shirt, covered by a white hoodie with the outline of a blue lobster stenciled onto the front, claws pointed upward. Aside from my differently-colored hat and headphones and, well, my armor, of course. And if we're being honest, that was actually nothing special for the Grand Line.

"How do I look?" I said as I spread my arms out and turned around to give them an eyeful.

"Honestly? Compared to what you usually wear, you look pretty bland," Lassoo deadpanned.

" **SECONDED!** _ **Too**_ _plain!"_ Soundbite concurred.

"That's the _point,"_ I retorted, crossing my arms with a huff. "In case you missed it, there are a lot of people in the World Government who want me shut up forever, and this town just so happens to be a hop, step and a train ride away from their doorstep. If I catch the wrong person's eye here, I'll disappear into the shadows."

Soundbite promptly paled, while Lassoo scoffed…

"And seeing as _you'll_ be latched onto my back when they grab me, you'll come along for the ride!"

And then winced and scratched the back of his head. "Point taken, sorry."

"Right. Now—"

I was cut off by a rapping noise coming from the kitchen's door.

"Excuse me, Cross, could I get your opinion on something?"

I blinked in surprise as what was unmistakably Robin's voice emitted from the other side of the door. "Huh? On what?" I called out.

"Oh, just my choice of attire is all," she informed me. "I'd ask the girls, but I'd rather a male's perspective, and you're the most well-adjusted member of the crew. Would you mind?"

I shot a flat look at Soundbite. "Why did that 'well-adjusted' sound more like 'average'?"

" **Are ya really** _ **gonna protest**_ _WHAT YA KNOW_ TO BE TRUE?" he shot back.

I nodded, silently acknowledging the point, and turned to address Robin through the door. "Yeah, sure thing, come in."

The door swung open… aaaaaand I severely regretted my decision.

An ironic statement to make when the cause is a beautiful woman wearing only a too-thin t-shirt and frilly black panties walking through the door, no?

Soundbite was left speechless for once as his jaw struck the table, while Lassoo snickered into his paw. "Well, I've certainly missed seeing you pull _this_ trick," he guffawed.

My eye twitched slightly as I looked her up and down before finally forcing the words out. "I am… _severely_ conflicted."

Robin's eyebrow cocked in amused curiosity. "Oh? Are you saying that you're disappointed? You don't like what you see?"

I ground my teeth as I dug my nails into my upper arms. "The very opposite is one half of that conflict. On the other hand… I thought that you were done trying to kill me, Robin."

 _That_ made the archaeologist blink in surprise. "Oh? And how would this lead to that?"

I gestured flatly at my neck. "Because my flesh and bone is weak, whereas Sanji's feet are capable of _denting iron."_

Robin chuckled softly. "Be serious, Cross, Sanji wouldn't really… ah…" She trailed off as she caught sight of my paper-flat look. The statement hung unfinished in the air until she coughed in her fist and a hand appeared from the wall to close the door behind her. "Right, my apologies, I didn't quite think that through."

"And you have all of five seconds to explain just what 'that' was before I decide that this little incident is enough to justify _doubling_ the payback that you've already built up," I growled, not taking my eyes off of her. Robin, for her part, only chuckled. "Oh, you don't get to laugh at me. Take a minute to remember exactly what I'm capable of, let alone my partner."

" **MUHUHAHAHAHA!"** Soundbite provided.

Robin's demeanor faltered slightly before she regained her cool, and her smile became more sincere. "Very well, but if I may rationalize my behavior: my life might have been a bit jilted, but I do believe older siblings embarrassing the life out of their younger ones is typical, no?"

I… honestly kind of froze as I processed that statement, a hurricane of emotions whirling in my head. Still, I was able to recover enough to cover my shock with a careless scoff. "Yeah, well, newsflash: this kind of juvenility is more typical of the _younger_. Now, you were saying?"

Robin chuckled and held her arm behind herself, accepting a bundle from an autonomous arm that pushed the door open slightly. "I _was_ serious when I said I wanted your opinion on my attire. Here, take a look." She unrolled the bundle, displaying the outfit she was apparently planning to wear on the island.

The very, _very_ form-fitting outfit she was planning on wearing.

I gave the one-piece a once-over before gracing Robin with a flat look. "Well, it certainly says _something_ to me _,_ though considering how the language of leather is one of few words, I don't think you wanna know what that 'something' is."

And it wasn't just the leather that made me say that. Honestly, I couldn't be surprised with what I saw considering how I'd been half _expecting_ it, but still… a white, polka-dotted slip, a black leather dress with long sleeves, and black leather boots that reached to halfway up her thighs, leaving just about nothing to the imagination and sending a very… _specific_ message. No doubt about it, it was _definitely_ the same outfit she wore while she was held prisoner in Enies Lobby and, now that I thought about it, the one that she wore while still on Water 7 proper.

"So, that's your honest opinion, is it?" Robin asked casually.

"And I would lie _why?"_ I scoffed.

"Perfect," Robin purred, several arms sprouting to help her put the outfit o— _ah, damn_.

I promptly turned to the side and held my hand to my face with a grimace. "You fight _dirty,_ witch. You hear me? _Dirty._ And _don't_ say—"

"Pi~ra~te," she crooned.

"…that," I grumbled with a roll of my eyes.

Soundbite, meanwhile, had an entirely different opinion to share. " _ **HUBBA HUBBA!**_ NOW THAT'S _what I call_ _ **a nice—ACK!"**_ He was cut off by two hands grabbing his eyestalks and effectively blinding him. "SPOILSPORT! _YOU WOULDN'T_ _ **do this to**_ **CROSS and you're** _ **NOT DOING IT TO**_ _LASSOO!"_

"I'm smart enough not to look," the dog-gun huffed as he covered his eyes with his foreleg.

"And Cross wouldn't blare it all out over the ship," Robin added.

"… **fair enough."**

I grumbled and tapped my foot impatiently as I waited for her to finish up. Come on, that thing was slim, but no way in hell was it _that_ hard to put on! "Seriously, though, I understand why you were wearing clothes like this back when you worked for Baroque Works, but what's your motivation now?"

"Heh. Isn't it obvious, Cross?" I could _hear_ the smirk in her voice. "Not all men are as strong-willed as you are. I predict many a lowered price thanks to this particular outfit."

I glanced upward with a tortured groan. "My kingdom for a few appropriate Bible verses that I could mutter about now…"

" **Would you prefer** _Deuteronomy,_ LEVITICUS **OR GENESIS?"**

My eye twitched slightly as the words 'fire', 'brimstone', and 'Sodom and Gomorrah' flashed through my head before casting a glare down at Soundbite. "Learn to recognize sarcasm, slimestain."

" _Only_ _ **SU**_ **can call me THAT!** _ **You may address me as**_ THE ANNOYING VOICE IN YOUR HEAD. _And YOU_ _ **need to**_ _learn to recognize_ **SNARK!** "

"Ever hear of a little thing called _timing,_ you—?"

"Break it up before I bite you both," Lassoo ordered in a bored tone.

Soundbite and I gave one last snarl at each other before falling silent.

We were then joined by an airy chuckle coming from my generated blindspot. "Amusing as always you two. And for the record, I'm almost done. Would you mind zipping me up, Cross?"

I stared dead ahead with as I popped up my other hand's middle finger. "You are the _last_ person I want to hear that line from."

"Can't blame a girl for trying." Once again, I could _hear_ the smirk in her voice. I sighed in relief as the sound of a zipper… well, _zipping_ sounded out. "I'm decent now, so hopefully I won't offend your _fragile_ sensibilities. Now, your opinion, if you wouldn't mind?"

Grinding my teeth and fists, I turned back towards her. I _thought_ that I was ready, but honestly, only the fact that she was smiling kept me from immediately flashing to her standing on the Tower of Justice, screaming that she wanted to die. I searched around for something matter-of-fact to remark on, anything to keep me from spilling right here and right now—and suddenly, a perfectly innocuous remark came to mind that, thinking about it, I was genuinely curious about.

"Huh, not bad," I whistled. "Just one question, if you don't mind."

"Oh?" Robin put her hand on her hip and cocked it out slightly. "And what would that be?"

"Well, what happened to your hats?"

… _Wow,_ that made her freeze almost as bad as Ohara. "Ah…"

"You know, your cowboy hats?" I forged on in an effort to break the tension, gesturing at my own cap. "You wore one when we first met you, all through Alabasta, even on most of Skypiea. Why'd you lose them? I actually thought they looked pretty cool on you."

Robin remained stock still for a moment before turning away and coughing into her fist. "I… I wore those hats because I needed them. And now… I don't."

I frowned in confusion as I tried to puzzle out the deeper meaning that was _clearly_ present in her words. "…What, for blocking out the sunlight or something?" My frown deepened as she merely shook her head. Just what was she talking abou—? I froze as I caught sight of the fact that her grip on her upper arms was white-knuckled and shaking vigorously. Was it something from her past? I thought hard about Ohara, but none of the scholars had anything to do with it, and the only other person she was close to was—

Ah. Well, I'm as thick as a dictionary, aren't I?

Moving _very_ carefully, I stepped up behind Robin and landed a hand on her shoulder, wincing in response to her own reaction. "You know…" I started softly. "You don't just _have_ to wear them when you need to be strong, you know? It's… It's alright to wear them because they remind you of him."

Several emotions flashed across Robin's face. She promptly shot her thumb to her mouth and started gnawing on the nail. "I-It's a strategic inconvenience. T-Too much chance of it getting caught o-or obscuring vision or—"

Right, the bullshit train comes to a halt _now._ I grabbed her shoulders and spun her around so that she was facing me dead on. "Robin," I enunciated, both kindly and firmly. "Jaguar D. Saul would be _overjoyed_ to see you wearing that and we _both_ know it."

I severely regretted my words at first when Robin's entire body promptly locked up, her eyes indicating that she was somewhere far from the Merry.

Seconds later, however, she was back, and after another round of emotions crossed over her face, she finally settled on a calm, almost serene smile.

"Thank you, Cross," she whispered. "It's not often that I act like a fool and… and I appreciate you pointing out this instance of it. Now, if you'll excuse me-" She extricated herself from my grip and started to walk towards the door. "I need to go and see if my wardrobe has anything that doesn't clash with my current selection."

I was prepared to let her go, just like that, when a pang of uncertainty struck me dead on. "Ah, Robin—!" I stepped forward, my hand raised, but I froze when she turned back to me with a curious expression.

"Yes, Cross?" she asked.

My jaw hung open as I searched for something, _anything_ I could say to her… and in the end, I was forced to settle for coughing slightly as I straightened up. "You… You know we'd go to the mats for you…" I eyed her hesitantly. "Right?"

Robin blinked at me in confusion as she processed my statement. And then, then she smiled.

A real smile, an honest smile, a smile of belief and hope that shone throughout her, even in her eyes.

"Of course I do."

I didn't even hesitate to smile back.

 **-o-**

"Demons…" I hissed grimly. "They're _demons…"_

" _ **In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti!"**_ Soundbite whimpered from within his shell, babbling Latin on and on in a half-demented tone.

The 'they' in question were Vivi and Nami, who were currently preening victoriously as they watched the employees of the Water 7 Gold Exchange bring out tray after tray of freshly liberated bills and stacked them cleanly and professionally in well-armored suitcases.

"Aye," agreed a scruffy, bearded pirate captain who was watching the display next to me. "I been sailin' these seas for well-nigh twenty years, and I've never seen the like."

The 'like' in this case had been the jaw-dropping display of two of our female crewmates positively _browbeating_ the Exchange staff into giving us way more than fair compensation for the gold we'd acquired for them.

"Ta-da!" Nami purred as she hugged one of the filled suitcases. "3 _and a half_ billion beris! Oooh, it's almost a shame that we have to spend it! Good job, Vivi! I think I'd kiss you if you weren't ready to punch me if I tried!"

"Oh, I can't take all the credit," Vivi primly replied as she patted one of the cases. "You were quite terrifying in there, after all, I was mostly just coasting off of the pure rage you were pumping out!"

"Oh, but your negotiating skills are _so_ far above mine; a humble thief like me can't compare to a true _royal,"_ Nami shamelessly proclaimed.

"Okay, I'm stopping this before it gets any further and you two _actually_ start making out," I interjected, shaking off the last of my terror. "Let's get this all loaded up and ready to go, guys." There was no answer, and I turned around. "Guys?"

I honestly should have expected this: Boss was staring at the two girls, quivering in either fear or excitement, possibly both, though the rest of the squad were quivering behind him in what was most _definitely_ terror. Conis and Su had scrambled against a wall, trying to get as far away as possible, and the cloud fox had procured a rosary from… somewhere and was holding it out towards them, while Usopp mimicked her with a crucifix. And Carue and Luffy…

"What?" the duck asked, turning around from where he'd been kicking a ball with some kids. "Oh! Awe we done yet?"

"I hope so!" Luffy whined with a pout. "I wanna _gooo!"_

"Okay, the moron I get, but you're _that_ used to it?" I deadpanned.

"Aftah wiving wit' her foah yeahs? You bettah bewieve i—!"

 _FWEEEEEET!_

"AGH!" We all reeled in agony as Nami _somehow_ managed to produce a hellish whistle worthy of Luffy himself.

"Alright, you idiots, listen up!" Nami barked as she patted one of the briefcases she and Vivi were flanking. "The division is ฿700 million in bills and the rest in validated ingots. The ingots are for wealth and show, and the bills are for spending. For the matter of this endeavor, both teams will be carrying two briefcases with them! The first!" She patted a very large and metal briefcase, three-feet by one-foot by two in area. "Contains ฿400 million in ingots, good to show off just how much wealth we have on us. Luffy, Boss, if you'd pick these up, please?"

The captain and the Dugong promptly walked up and grabbed the briefcases' handles—

 _CL-CLICK!_

"GAH!"/"WHAT THE—!?"

And reeled in shock when Nami slapped cuffs on them.

"Safety measures," the navigator explained as she latched the other sides of the cuffs to the briefcases. "Because like it or not, you two are morons and not to be trusted."

"Ooooh, cool!" Luffy chuckled as he let the metal case swing from his arm like a pendulum.

Boss, meanwhile, rolled his eyes as he heaved the case onto his back with ease. "Whatever lets you sleep at night, missy."

"And the second," Nami continued, patting a much more normal-looking briefcase. "Contains ฿100 million in bills, to be used for immediate payment. Now then, considering your survival instincts… Cross?"

"Yeah, yeah," I said tiredly, extending my own arm. She clicked the cuff around my gauntlet and one of the briefcases, while cuffing the other to herself.

I tested the weight briefly. Heavyish, sure. Not light by any measure, but at least it wasn't _too_ much of an inconvenience.

Nami then proceeded to direct our attention to the other five pairs of cases. "Now, as for the rest of this gold, it goes back to the Merry for now, to be stored and divided up. And considering that the fastest and most secure way back is through the water… GUARDS!"

The TDWS abruptly straightened and saluted. "YES MA'AM!" they barked in unison.

"Take the cases and swim back to the Merry. Load it onboard and then resume your responsibilities guarding the ship. And if you lose _any_ of the gold along the way…"

Within moments, the cases were gone and only trails of bubbles indicated where the dugongs had vanished to as well.

Nami sniffed primly. "You've trained them well, Boss."

"Thank 'ye kindly," the dugong tipped his cigar with a smirk.

"Right. Now, then, let's saddle up and get going!" I declared as I hopped into the boat Lassoo was snoozing in.

"Right," Vivi nodded as she and Carue settled into their own vessel, while Conis took the third. "And remind me again what you call those accents?

"So, ya guys all ready to go?" the bull who was towing me and mine asked eagerly. "Just tell ol' Two-Fin Joey where ya wanna go and we'll getcha before you can say 'Galley-La?"

"Brooklyn," I grit out from behind the hand I had pressed to my face. "It's racist-as-shit _Brooklyn."_

"BE GLAD THAT THEY'RE _**amphibious enough that I can do anything AT ALL!**_ ' **Sides, they're a species** _of cabbies, WOULD YOU RATHER I'D USED_ **UNIDENTIFIABLE MIDDLE-EASTERN ETHNICITIES!?"**

"Grgrgggghrghhhh…"

"Ey, oh, relax, my friend, relax!" Joey chuckled casually. "As it is, we guys are just happy to be able to talk at all, along with the rest a' da bulls near yah little friend here! It's mighty convenient for business, it is!"

" **Heh, I do** _ **what I can!"**_

"Yeah? Well, what you 'can' just got youse and yours some very powerful friends!" The bull's grin widened by several teeth. "Congratulations, you've got friends in the Union!"

I cocked an eyebrow curiously at the comment before shrugging it off, deciding to puzzle it out later. "Sounds great. I'd be a bit chattier usually, but right now, we're a bit pressed for time. Mind stepping on it so as to head for the quickest way to Franky House?"

"Ya mean Big Boss Gom an' Sod's home? No prob!" Joey nodded confidently as he turned his head back around. "Youse'll be there before ya know it!"

"Great!" I nodded thankfully before waving over my shoulder at the rest of our crewmates. "Good luck, guys!"

"You too!" Luffy waved back.

And with that, we were off, our Yagaras tugging us down water-logged street after water-logged street. I took the time to enjoy the truly exquisite scenery as we went, but in the process I noticed the tension present in my crewmates, who were constantly looking around for danger.

"Come on, guys, relax a little, will you?" I prompted with a chuckle. "Sure, we've got a lot of cash on us, but we've also got some damn good firepower on our side too. Currently nothing's gunning for us, so we might as well sit back and enjoy the ride, no? Observe!"

Deciding to lead by example, I leaned back as we approached a rounded a corner and started to approach a bridge, utilizing my briefcase as a makeshift pillow. It was almost like a lazy river, it was so relaxing. Ah, what a beautiful day.

The sun was shining…

Seagulls were cawing…

Clouds were drifting…

Miss Friday was eating water-water meat on the railing of that upcoming bridge…

…

Waaaaaaaaait a second.

I snapped up into a sitting position just as our bulls were entering the bridge's underpass and confirmed that _yes_ , there was a buzzard perched on the structure's railing. She was clad in a pristine three-piece suit, a fedora and sunglasses and was serenely tearing away at a shank of meat she had in her talon. Not once did her reflective gaze leave my own until the bridge broke our line of sight.

"Sooooundbiiiiite?" I began in a _very_ deliberately calm voice as I twisted my neck to watch behind us.

 **"One bird in a CITY, GOOD LUCK DIFFERENTIATING!"** Soundbite squawked fearfully, having noticed the exact same issue.

"Cross, what's wrong?" Vivi asked in concern.

"Miss Friday just saw us into a killbox…" Lassoo growled, grinding his paws into his muzzle.

" _It's THE UNLUCKIES_ _ **THREE,**_ **The Revengening!"** Soundbite snarled.

Vivi promptly paled in terror. " _Shit."_

"Precisely," I nodded grimly.

"The 'Unluckies'?" Conis asked in confusion.

"What's that, some kind of a wannabe rock group?" Su snarked.

"I wish," I snarled aggravatedly before snapping my fingers. "Joey, guys, fullstop, stay under the bridge."

The yagara twisted his head around to look at me in confusion as he and his friends complied. "What's up, bub? You'se know dat wrinkly featha'd thing?"

"You could say that," I growled irritably as I eyed the mouths of the bridge uncomfortably. Damn it, I needed to think… "Mr. 13 is an otter and Miss Friday is a vulture, and both are professional assassins. Soundbite and I managed to spark a vendetta a while back, and it appears that they're being more diligent than I thought in their efforts to kill the two of us before they retire. They're trained with guns and knives and they're no pushovers physically either; get in their way, and you're likely to wind up either maimed or dead. Any questions?"

"Yeah, just one," Lassoo raised his paw with a flat look.

"What?"

"We saw Miss Friday waiting for us outside… so where's Mr. 13?"

I tensed as I realized what he was saying. "Ah… that's…"

Soundbite blinked in surprise before whipping his eyestalks around curiously. " **Hey, yeah,** _that's right! WHERE IS THE DAMN WATER—!"_

Soundbite choked off in horror, and we _slowly_ turned our gazes to look at each other, before _sloooowly_ looking downwards.

A moment of silence.

Then…

" _ **MERDA!"**_

I instantly snapped to the front of the boat and slapped my hand on Joey's back. "DEATH FROM BELOW, GOGOGO!"

It was a testament to the bull's experience that he didn't even question me, instead complying without hesitation and snapping from zero to sixty in half a second.

 _SPLASH!_

Considering how Mr. 13, clad in his own somehow-pristine suit and fedora, suddenly _exploded_ out of the water we'd been floating over a moment earlier, a spinning, rabid flurry of blades and violence that would have doubtlessly eviscerated us in seconds? He wasn't a second too slow.

Sadly, seeing as 13 started tearing after us a moment later when he made contact with the water, ripping through the surface as though it were paper? His reflexes weren't rusty either.

"CROSS!" Vivi called after us in concern.

"STICK TO THE PLAN!" I shouted back. "I'LL DRAW THEM OFF, YOU JUST KEEP GOING! I'LL SEE YOU AT FRANKY HOUSE!"

Within moments we were at the mouth of the overpass—

Where Friday suddenly swooped into view, wings flared and underslung machine guns trained on us.

Without missing a beat I jabbed my finger at her with a snarl. "CANI-BLAST!"

Lassoo dropped his jaw open and _roared,_ sending a pillar of blazing air at the bird.

He missed, of course, on account of the vulture flapping her wings and nimbly dodging out of the way of the blast, but he at _least_ managed to give us a long enough reprieve that Joey was able to hang a hard right and tear down a water-filled alleyway.

As we our mount churned up the water in an effort to escape, I took the time to glance back at our pursuers.

Miss Friday above, flapping after us and training her guns on us in hopes of squeezing off a shot, while Mr. 13 pursued below, ripping through the water at speeds equivalent to a cheetah.

Really, there was only one way to define this situation.

"Gentlemen," I announced grimly. "The hunt is on."

 **Patient AN: May it be that ye are wiser now, lest we surprise you again with something so very… farfetched, as the idea that we would ever make a normal chapter less than ten thousand words.**

 **Xomniac AN: Also, just FYI, CV had to check out before he could run a total final check, so forgive any errors you see, we'll release an updated version once he's had his time.**

 **Cross-Brain AN: And for those of you who are complaining about Omatsuri not being canon, we present a compromise in the form of the following epilogue omake:**

Before she held out the papers in her hand, Kokoro paused thoughtfully and then spoke again. "By the way, I've been meaning to ask, and now that you're not all depressed about your ship…" She trailed off, clearly thinking over what she was going to say. "How are you holding up after Omatsuri?"

"What's Omatsuri?"

Kokoro turned to stare at Luffy. "You know, the island you just visited?"

"Wait, really?" Luffy said, tilting his head to the side. "I thought it was called Ling Ling Rong Island or something like that."

"That's Long Ring Long Island, Luffy," Nami reflexively corrected.

"Yeah, that!"

Kokoro blinked, still staring at Luffy. "You're saying you didn't go to Omatsuri Island?"

"Yeah!" Luffy replied, before tilting his head to the side. "Wait, what's Omatsuri Island again?"

"The one you just visited!"

"I don't remember that island," Luffy said. "What did we do on it, again? Because I don't remember that island."

"Yes, you said that already!" Kokoro snapped, her annoyance clearly growing.

"Captain," I interjected. As amusing as it was watching this, we did have a tight appointment to make. "Do you ever get nightmares?"

"What are those?"

"Well, that answers that," I said smugly. "I don't know why we all had the same nightmare a few days ago, but I'm gonna blame it on Grand Line weirdness and call it a day."

Kokoro looked around at the Strawhats as realization swept over her. "You… You're denying that _anything_ happened to you. Do you _actually_ think that that'll work!?"

We all glanced at one another before giving her a confused look. "Do we think what will work?"

Kokoro silently worked her jaw for several seconds. Ultimately, though, she just threw her hands up in exasperation. "Fine! A nightmare! Believe what you want!"


	40. Chapter 37 - Water 7 Pt 2

**Chapter 37**

 **Cross-Brain AN: A quick Shout Out to our rival, DuncanIdaho2014, before we get all of this started, along with a massive congratulations:** _ **New Game Plus**_ **has surpassed** _ **Once Again**_ **in Favorites, meaning that it is officially the second most popular One Piece fic in the fandom! You deserve no less, Duncan.**

 **Xomniac AN: Watch your back, rat-bastard, we're climbing fast and we'll be butting heads on equal ground soon enough!**

 **Patient AN: Oh, come now, don't let our congratulations be obscured by your ego, Ego.**

 **Xomniac AN: Har har, never heard** _ **that one**_ **before.**

"SOUNDBITE, WILL YOU CUT IT OUT WITH THE ORCHESTRA?!" I snapped as I clung to the side of the vessel for dear life, on account of Joey speeding along the canals of Water 7 way faster than what was probably legal. The reason for my ire was that Soundbite had decided on a very upbeat brass and string instrumental for chase music.

" **NO WAY!** _ **THOSE OUTFITS—WAGH!—**_ _MAKE IT_ PERFECT!" the snail snapped back, clinging onto my jacket with all the strength his jaws could muster as a bullet grazed his shell.

"Yeah, well, word to the—WISE!" I held up one of my gauntlets to block another bullet. "—the Blues Brothers never went on the offensive! And besides that, I _seriously_ doubt that these bastards have even heard of them!" I griped before blinking as a thought hit me. "Actually, on that note, why _are_ they dressed like—THAT?"

"Looks ta' me like they're impersonatin' Worl' Gummint' officials!" Joey offered, turning his head to look over his shoulders, showing no visible worry at seeing me fending off bullets or any problems navigating the canals. "People do it all the—TIME!" He took a sharp left that resulted in the Unluckies momentarily heading the wrong way. "—when trying to kill one another, keeps bystanders from interferin'!"

" _ **Seriously?"**_ Soundbite asked in confusion. "HOW THE HECK _does that work!?"_

"Sheer reputation," Lassoo growled as he glared daggers at the pursuing animals. "In any other clothing, _someone_ would try to help us, or at least stop the gun-toting maniacs, but so long as they're wearing suits—" He paused long enough to spit a Cani-Slick in the water and another Cani-Blast at the sky, neither of which helped with how fast the damn pests were moving. "—nobody even blinks twice! It's a common assassin's tactic. After all, who in their right minds would be stupid enough to interfere with World Government business?" He filled his jaws with the tar of Cani-Plaster before firing out a ball of the stuff along with a blaze of Cani-Palm, sending a very potent fireball at 13. That done, he huffed and turned around with a roll of his eyes. "Excluding present company, of course."

"Yeah, well— _gnn!"_ I cut myself off with a bit-out grunt as I ducked under a bullet that had come _way_ too close to giving me a third eye. Behind me, 13 shot out of the water and flipped through the air over Lassoo's fireball before pulling off an Olympic level swan dive back into the canal.

It was at that point that my temper flared a bit, and I slowly climbed to my feet, precariously balancing myself in the shaky vessel. "Alright, that's it. I hate a lot of things in life, but right now, there are _three_ in particular that I _really_ despise." I took a shaky step towards the back of the boat. "I hate the World Government." I shot my other foot up so that it was firmly planted on the rear wall of the vessel. "I hate Illinois Nazis, and most of all?"

I snapped my hand to the side with my grip open, a grip that Lassoo promptly filled by leaping up and swapping to his gun-form. I balanced the dog-gun on my shoulder and took aim, although the suitcase of cash hanging off my wrist put me a bit off-balance. "I fucking _hate_ furry jackass bastards _who can't get a fucking CLUE! CANI-CANNON BARRAGE!"_

The shaky nature of my footing very nearly resulted in me being knocked clean on my ass by Lassoo's recoil as he belted out a full salvo of his signature projectiles, but I powered through it and attempted to direct the projectiles so that they would take out at least _one_ of our pursuers.

Sadly, however, our efforts were rendered all for naught when 13 suddenly blasted out of the water, got his footing on a windowsill, and then leapt up to grab Friday's talons. The buzzard in turn flared her wings out so as to both kill her speed _and_ climb high into the air, falling out of range of the explosions in a matter of moments.

I clicked my tongue in annoyance as I watched them fall back. "Well, that's inconvenient."

Lassoo snorted derisively as he shifted back into his hybrid mode on my shoulder. "Those two might be creeps, but they were high in the Baroque Works foodchain for a damn good reason."

"Yeh, well, they're gone now!" Joey shrugged as he slowed his pace and turned out into a larger, more crowded mainstream canal. A few of the civilians milling about recoiled fearfully and gave me a wide berth at the sight of the cannon I was toting, but other than that everyone acted as though it were business as usual. "So, youse ready to head back towads Franky House then?"

I started to reply before pausing as a thought struck me. "Actually… yeah, now that I think about it, Franky should be able to handle them, heading to the House _would_ probably be for the best…" I grimaced as I started scanning the skies. "But don't think for a _second_ that these bastards are done yet. A few measly explosions aren't going to drive them off."

Joey snickered as he swerved through the canal's traffic, up one of the river-ramps and onto the rooftop routes. "Yeh, well, even if they do come back, it won't matter much. After all, in case you didn' notice, Water 7's half pirate town! Sure, sure, the Galley-La boys help keep the peace and so do tha Franky Family, to an extent, but there'll always be dat theya undahbelly! We yagaras're considah'd rookies until we get inta at _least_ one high-speed chase! We're pretty jaded when it comes tah violence."

 _SMASH! SPA-LASH!_

Friday chose that time to suddenly dive-buzz us, dropping Mr. 13 onto a passing Yagara in the process.

With a _ridiculously_ minimal amount of effort, Mr. 13 dislodged the Bull's former passengers into the water and then snapped a pistol—a revolver, to be specific—to the back of the Yagara's head. He then proceeded to jab the other revolver he was clutching towards us, leaving no doubts as to his intentions.

"Huh. I was wonderin' when we'd see da month's first gunpoint jacking. Poor Flippah, dat's no way tah lose a bettin' pool," Joey remarked in a casual, if slightly strained voice.

"Joooeeey," I grit out uncomfortably.

"Eh, don' worry aboud it," Joey said dismissively. "Flippah's an old vet at these kinda stunts, that rats in foah a _nasty_ surprise."

As if on cue, the Yagara in question spun his body on an axis, dunking 13 and his saddle in the water in one swift move.

Sadly, however, 13 wasn't affected in the least.

 _THWACK!_

Worse yet, going by the way the otter had pistol-whipped his hostaged mount, all it had done was _severely_ piss him off.

I swallowed heavily as the captive Yagara Bull started closing the distance between us. I _really_ hated it when this damn bastard demonstrated that he was actually smart; now I couldn't try blasting him with Lassoo unless I wanted to risk harming the Yagara as well, not to mention the rest of the civilians around us. "Still think that this is your average Wednesday afternoon?"

Joey grit his teeth as he put on speed and started accelerating down the skyway. "What I _think_ is dat I'm pissed off 'cause one of my friends has got a frickin' psycho-assassin stickin' to his back like glue!" He glanced backwards, his mouth a grim line, as the other Yagara started to catch up with us. "And I'm _also_ a bit nervous because Flippah's as fast in the water as I am! Hope you're ready for a scrape!"

I groaned miserably as I shifted Lassoo so that he was hanging on my back and flexed my fingers in readiness. "And me without my _freaking_ baton…" I groused miserably.

All too soon Flippah drew up alongside us, at which point he swerved to the right and slammed his flank into my ride. "Sorry, Joey!" he apologized through grit teeth. "But you know how it is: when your life's on the line!"

"Do what ya gotta do, I know, I know," Joey nodded with a sidelong glare. "And I only got one thing ta say in response!" Joey swerved out and promptly rammed right back into Flippah, butting heads with the opposing Yagara. " _Right back atcha, bub!"_

While the two Bulls shoved against one another, I was treated to the sight of 13 leering viciously as he cocked back the hammer on his second gun, aiming it straight at my center mass.

I didn't have time to think, time to even _react_ properly, all I could do was snap my arm up in an instinctive act of defense…

BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG!

And then blink in surprise as the unloading of the gun's entire cylinder did absolutely _nothing._ The sentiment was one that Mr. 13 mirrored perfectly, even going so far as to intently examine his gun _._

For my part, I looked down at my torso in an attempt to find out what the hell had happened, and in the process I inadvertently got my answer.

Once I had it, though, I grinned savagely as I jerked my arm up and caught the handle of the very heavy, very _bulletproof_ briefcase that was chained to me. "Isn't it _amazing_ what kind of protection ฿100 Million can buy?" I taunted as I fell into a ready stance.

13 swiftly recovered, scowling viciously as he snapped his gun back into his jacket and whipped out a trio of knives that he held between his paw's fingers like metal claws.

I grimaced as I held up the briefcase. "Nami's gonna _kill_ me…" I muttered.

And with that, we were at it. Mr. 13 swung his knives at me, I blocked with the briefcase—and just as I was winding up to swing back, Joey and Flippah promptly swerved away from each other.

"Ah, hey, what are you—!" I began before another Yagara bull shot past us. "Ah, right, live traffic. Carry on!"

"Same 'ta you!" Flippah and Joey snarled as they slammed back into one another, clearly getting into it.

It was _weird_ seeing the two Yagara Bulls fighting. They were holding back some; after all, I knew they could bite, and they sure weren't doing that. Instead, they were slamming their muscular necks against each other. It was bizarre, and also rather dangerous, seeing as both Mr. 13 and I spent half our time avoiding getting brained by their flailing heads.

The other half? Mr. 13 failing to get past the briefcase as I blocked him, and me trying and failing to hit him as he ducked and squirmed around my blows like a greased lamprey while keeping his gun trained on Flippah all the while. It was really quite frustrating, especially since Joey screwed up my swing more than once and the damn otter was only barely handicapped as he tried to keep up with Flippah.

The two bulls only split apart again to avoid an oncoming Yagara bus—yes, that's apparently a thing, I shouldn't be surprised—and when they came towards each other they were on a clear collision course, their heads reared back to strike. This was it. No janking, no shakes, no chance for our mounts to screw up our aim. Hell, the charge even helped us by adding momentum.

The two bulls sped closer and closer as Mr. 13 tensed his legs and I wound up a swing. Finally, they were less than six feet from each other, and I began my swing even as Joey and Flippah swung their necks and the otter leapt towards me—and was promptly batted out of the sky, following which he bounced off of the skyway's railing and fell out of sight.

All of us promptly stilled as we blinked after him in surprise.

" **That was easy,"** Soundbite summarized in a casual tone.

"Bit anti-climactic, if you ask me," Flippah shrugged, almost in disappointment.

"Oh, don't worry, we're not done yet," Lassoo provided from where he was hanging on my back.

"Yeh?" Joey looked back at us in confusion. "How come?"

"Second verse, only slightly flipped from the first." Lassoo angled a flat look over my shoulder at the Bull. " _Where's Miss Friday?"_

Both my eyes and Soundbite's shot wide in shock as we slowly exchanged terrified looks. " _Uh…"_ we hedged uncomfortably.

We received an answer in the form of a mechanical whirring noise above us. One look was enough to confirm that not only had Friday caught up with us again, but she was toting a—

I blinked as I processed just _what_ she was holding. "Is… Is that a hand-crank operated _rotary gun?"_

"Guess she musta found a weapon smuggler's stash," Joey provided weakly. "Go figure, huh?"

I swallowed heavily as I slowly brought my arm around my back to grip Lassoo. "Any chance that I can shoot her down _before_ she gets it up to speed?"

Friday grinned malevolently as she shifted one of her talons so that it was pressing a trigger on the weapon's handle, her other leg still spinning the crank as fast as it would go.

" **Guess not!"** Soundbite yelped.

" _MOVE!"_ I yelled, acting on instinct and leaping out of Joey's saddle and over the edge of the skyway—

 _RATATATATATAT!_

—just as Friday opened fire and started peppering the space I'd occupied moments before with lead.

For the briefest of moments, I soared with the grace of a majestic eagle.

 _SMASH!_

Then I smashed through _something_ with all the grace of Luffy.

I took a second to get my head on straight, but once I did I was able to realize that I was sitting on what had once been a very beautiful pile of rugs in what had once been a very well-organized market stall.

I also realized that a double-barreled shotgun was being stuck in my face, courtesy of the noticeably peeved owner of said stall.

Maintaining my calm, I dug my briefcase out of the wreckage of the stall's roof, clicked it open and removed a wad of beris, which I held out to the owner. "For your troubles."

The shotgun promptly vanished as the man beamed and accepted the cash. "Thank you very much for your patronage, sir. Would you like the rugs delivered to your ship?"

"Oh, absolutely," I nodded with a grin. "But, ah, at a later date, right now we're in the process of swapping ships and I have an assassin to deal with, so if you'll please excuse me!" And with that cheerfully polite remark, I shot out of the stall like a bat out of hell and took stock of my surroundings.

And a corner of my mind promptly began cursing the Unluckies for not giving me more of a chance to stare in awe at the marketplace I found myself in. Food stalls here, (well-armored) porcelain stalls there, little bit of everything everywhere else, and it was _all_ packed with people.

Though thankfully it wasn't so packed that I wasn't able to react when Soundbite suddenly sucked in a breath.

" **Move!"**

I obeyed him and jerked to the side, ducking into a stall _just_ as a fast and long shadow tore through across the street.

I panted for a second as I got my breath back before pausing as a thought occurred to me. I then snapped my fingers in front of Soundbite and pointed at the skyway above us before speaking. "Joey, you alright?"

I sighed in relief when the Brooklyn accent sounded out. " _Yeh, don't worry, Flippah and I got out alright. We dove when that bee-yotch opened fiyah. But you bettah believe that we ah_ pissed! _Look, kid, you're in da Huron Bazaar, right?"_

"Ah…" I glanced at Soundbite for confirmation, and he nodded. "Yeah, why?"

" _Good! Look, it's a big and confusin' place, but if you can find your way to da water, den I can arrange some transportation for ya to da Franky House!"_

I blinked in surprise before grinning gratefully. "Really? That's great! Where do you want me to head for?"

" _Don' worry aboud findin' us, just get to the water and we'll find you!"_

Now that _really_ surprised me. "Seriously? You sure?"

" _Absolutely!"_ Joey proclaimed confidently. " _After all, you made a friend of the Union, and the Union don't forget its friends no matter what, capiche?"_

"Ah, what do you—?"

" _INCOMING!"_

I barely had enough time to spin around and snap up my gauntlet as Mr. 13 burst through one of the walls of the stall I was in, his blade halting as it stabbed into my armored glove.

" _Impact,_ jackass!" I snarled as I flexed my knuckles.

 _THWACK!_

The sound of 13's nose crunching as he was blown back the way he'd come was _immensely_ satisfying.

Sadly, as enjoyable as that sound was, the whirring sound that echoed above me made it evident that I'd overstayed my welcome. Honestly, the bullets that tore after me as I ran like hell only served to add insult to injury, though thankfully the bazaar-goers had already started running when Friday had come into firing range.

My little run was _not_ fun, on account of how I had a multitude of obstacles to maneuver around: stalls selling various wares that were rarely left intact when I passed them, individuals who were either brave or stupid enough to still be out and about shopping in spite of the clear hell that was following me, and more than a few carts being used to transport goods, either left abandoned in the middle of their owners' panic…

I groaned as I caught sight of the mass of logs and vegetables rolling across my path.

Or, of course, their owners could still be moving them. Damn the Grand Line's skewing of survival instincts!

Acting on instinct, I pumped my legs and leapt onto the table of a nearby stall, from which I managed to spring onto the wood of the cart, and from there clear over the cart itself.

I landed in a roll and came up crouching and facing Friday with Lassoo drawn on my shoulder, aimed right at her weapon. "Cani-Plaster!" I barked.

A ball of tar shot out of Lassoo's metallic maw at cannonball-like speeds and splattered against the buzzard's oversized weapon, sending a cascade of viscous liquid splattering both within the weapon itself and over Friday as well.

The avian assassin hacked and spat as she flapped her wings in a panic, and in the midst of her panic she _just_ so happened to press the trigger of said weapon. The trigger activated the rotary gun's trigger mechanism, obviously…

 _BOOM!_ "SQUAWK!"

Which in turn ignited the tar and caused both Friday _and_ her weapon to go down in a nice and glorious fireball, even going so far as to land on the cart I'd managed to leap over.

However, as loud as the explosion was, it wasn't loud enough to overshadow what came next.

"MY CABBAGES!"

My eye twitched furiously as I put Lassoo back on my back. "Please tell me that was you, Soundbite…" I groaned.

" **What a glorious** _world we LIVE IN!"_ Soundbite sang gleefully. " _ **By the way,**_ **ON YOUR THREE."**

I promptly spun on my heel and lashed my arm out, smashing Mr. 13 dead-on with my briefcase and sending him careening into a nearby stall.

"HA!" I jumped and pumped my fist victoriously. "HOME RUN, JACKASS! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?"

"A lot, I'd imagine."

"Eh?" I blinked over my shoulder at Lassoo.

"That was a weapons vendor," he explained flatly.

"EH?"

13 chose that moment to leap back into sight, sporting both a shotgun that was larger than he was _and_ a truly vicious grin.

I ground my teeth as I glared bloody murder at the aquatic rat. "I will _eat you,_ you little—!"

 _BANG!_

"GAH!" I yelped, hastily leaping behind the counter of the stall nearest me. Thankfully, the counter itself was made of metal, so the next blast of buckshot ricocheted rather than perforating me.

I panted and shifted around as I tried to get my breath back, and I jumped when my shoulder knocked into a bottle behind me in the process. "What the—? What is this place?"

"EH…" Soundbite's eyes swiveled for a moment as he took in our surroundings. " _Looks like a_ **stir-fry STATION!"**

A quick glance around confirmed his assumption: ingredients, dishes, cooking utensils, even a grill with a—!

The _THUNK!_ of 13 leaping onto the counter above me prompted me to shoot to my feet. I jerked my arm up—!

KLANG! _SPLASH!_

"WAAAAAAGH!"

And promptly revelled in 13's tortured scream as I splashed a wok-full of sizzling grease on him. Still, knowing just how much sheer _punishment_ these bastards could take, I wasn't even _close_ to willing to let things lie there. As such, I snapped a bright red bottle of _something_ out from under the counter and shoved its nozzle in his jaws.

I grinned devilishly as his flailing became as much panicked as it was pained. "Icy revenge is nice, but know that some like it _spicy,_ shitstain!" And with that, I throttled the bottle, flooded his mouth with the stuff—!

" _WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"_

And promptly ducked under the tongue of flame that he all but _vomited_ before running off in a blind panic.

I patted down a scant few embers that had ignited on my cap before grinning as I spun the bottle in my hand. "I guess that it's true what they say! If you can't take the heat—!"

 _C-CLICK!_

I was cut off by the sound of a gun cocking behind me, prompting my spine to snap ramrod straight in terror.

"I'll have what he's having," Friday rasped.

I gulped audibly, steeling my nerves before scowling over my shoulder. "All you had to do was _ask!"_ And with that I spun around and sprayed a bottle at the buzzard's beak.

Friday opened her beak and accepted the stream of condiments with an eager grin… for all of three seconds before doubling over and retching in disgust. "W-What the—!?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting the sriracha like your little buddy?" I leered as I dangled the beige bottle I was holding before her eyes. "Yeah, we just ran out, so I settled for using horseradish instead. I didn't offend your delicate, capsaicin-proof palate, did I?"

Friday huffed and wheezed as she raised her head and glared bloody murder at me through her tears. "I-I'm going to—!"

"Enjoy your main course? Coming right UP!" I snarled out the last word as I whipped out a spare wok and rammed it over her skull. "And of course, let's not forget dessert!" I rammed Soundbite onto the metal of the pan. " _Snail fondue."_

" **I'm all about DAT** _ **BASS!"**_

"GWAGH!" Friday reeled and stumbled away in agony on account of the pan on her skull vibrating like a bell.

Satisfied with the state of disarray the pair of assassins were in, I booked it right out of the marketplace as fast as I possibly could and beelined for the closest waterway I could find. I'd just managed to run up onto a bridge—

" **DUCK!"**

When I was forced to fling myself to the ground in order to avoid yet another talons-first buzz from Friday, albeit a very shaky one.

"Don't these guys ever give up?" I growled as I shot to my feet and broke into a sprint, eyeing Miss Friday as she looped around for another pass.

" _Apparently_ **no—PINEAPPLE!"**

"What? Pineapple? What do you— _gah!?_ " I choked off in horror as I caught sight of the _thing_ flying at my head.

Y'know those cartoon bombs? Black metal sphere with a burning fuse at the top? Yeah, I had a split second to blink at one sailing through the air, courtesy of a sunglasses-clad otter, before reacting. And the worst part? He threw it at me from _further_ _down_ the bridge. How the hell he'd managed to get in front of me without my noticing, I had no idea.

"Ugh, this is a terrible idea…" I groaned, before throwing myself off the bridge and onto a tied-up gondola floating in the canal. The bomb went off with a loud bang, shattering the bridge and sending chunks of stone into the canal, though thankfully none actually hit me. However, I had no time to celebrate as Friday swooped in for another pass, this time only missing Soundbite and my shoulder by a matter of inches as I jerked to the side.

" _If you stand still,_ _you'll be shredded!"_ Soundbite yelped. " _DUCK! WEAVE!_ _RUN!"_

"Yeah, slight problem with that," I muttered as I glanced at the sidewalk, where Mr. 13 was waiting and grinning as he tossed another bomb up and down. "And where the hell did he pull that thing from, anyway?! He's only wearing a damn suit!"

"Crocodile didn't _only_ hire those two pests because they have skulls of wrought iron," Lassoo growled. "And also, if the normal way out is closed, than I suggest taking another route."

One glance ahead confirmed that the dog-hybrid had the right idea. Thankfully, we'd landed in the middle of a boat storage area, where there were enough tied-up hulls stretching down the waterway to form a makeshift artificial bridge.

I gritted my teeth and cracked my neck back and forth uncomfortably. Jumping for my life while wearing armor and toting both a small cannon _and_ a little under a hundred million beris in cash. _Fun._

The flash of a shadow swooping over me again prompted me to finally move, and I hopped over to the next boat down as the vulture sped through where I'd been moments earlier. The process repeated for three more boats before I saw another bomb fly _over_ my head.

"What's he—?" I started to mutter before being cut off by the bomb exploding—right under the next boat. Which was now sinking by the stern.

Letting out a frustrated groan, a quick glance around confirmed that 13 was still following me on the shore and that Friday was still flying overhead.

"Goddamn furry _bastards!"_ I snarled as I jumped onto the yet-visible prow of the sinking boat, which, naturally, only made it sink faster. I needed to move fast to the next boat, and my panic wasn't helping. Nor was Friday actually clipping my shoulder as I barely dodged in time.

Still, shaky though my landing was, I managed to make it to the next boat, and for whatever reason the Unluckies weren't doing anything, so I had room to breathe for a bit. Which, in turn, allowed me to notice that 13 was hanging back on the dock with a shit-eating grin on his face.

"Well, that's not a good sign…" I muttered to myself as I tried to puzzle out what their tactic was.

" _Uh, Cross?"_ Soundbite asked, a hint of fear in his voice.

"Not now, Soundbite," I replied as I waved my hand dismissively, my thoughts occupied with more pressing matters. What was that otter up to?

" _ **Cross, seriously."**_

"Soundbite, unless we're headed straight for a waterfall or something—"

"WE ARE!" Lassoo howled fearfully.

I blinked, then stiffened as I noticed that _yes,_ the scenery around us was moving and _yes,_ that was because the boat we were on was moving too. Dreading what I would see, I glanced behind us. My eyes widened as I realized that the mooring post the boat had been connected to had a combat knife buried in it, that the mooring line was cleanly severed and that w _e were slowly drifting towards an abrupt drop IN THE FUCKING CANAL SHIT!_

"Fucking bastards!" I barked, frantically looking around for _some_ way to avert this. "Damn it damn it damn it, is there an anchor? An oar? _Anything?!"_

" _Just me."_

And with that, Miss Friday's beak jabbed me in the small of my back and pushed us forward and off the edge.

Amidst the stream of cursing coming from my mouth and the vulture recipes that Soundbite was belting out, I braced myself for a very wet landing…

CRASH! "…eep," I squeaked in pain when I instead smashed into something very hard in a… shall we say, _compromising_ position.

"Hey, youse boys alive back there?" the Yagara Bull I'd _somehow_ landed on asked in concern.

"…lemme get back to you on that," I squeaked from my impromptu splits on the seat-back of said Yagara's saddle, the middle rammed between my legs until I tipped to the side and collapsed. "Soundbite? Do me a favor and take note of this: I need to ask Usopp to build a cup for me the _instant_ we see him again."

" **And I should** _ **give up this COMEDY**_ _WHY?"_ Soundbite cackled.

I snarled viciously as I started to right myself. "Because otherwise, I'll dunk you in saltwater every time this happens from now on!"

I took an immense amount of satisfaction in Soundbite's terrified expression. "YOU WOULDN'T!" he cried.

"Try me; I'm sure you-know-who would love a two-for-one," I bit out before finally managing to focus all of my attention on the Yagara whose back I was on. "Does that answer your question?" I asked dryly, before blinking in surprise as I realized that _holy crap,_ I'd landed on a Yagara Bull. "And, ah, who are you?"

"Eheh, sorry 'bout da rough landin', bub," the Yagara winced with a sympathetic snicker. "And anyways, names ain't important! Just know dat I'm wid da Union! Now hang on tight!" He looked up with a grimace as Friday wheeled around overhead. "Dese bozos ain't gonna letcha go just yet, so gettin' ya ta where ya need ta go is gonna be tricky!"

"Yeah, well—!" The flash of a shadow over me prompted me to look up. I bit out a curse and rammed my fist onto the side of the saddle as 13 dove towards us. "SCREW GENTLE, GO ROUGH, MOVE MOVE MOVE!"

"YOUSE GOT IT!" the Bull roared as he went from zero to sixty in no time at all, tearing down the canal in a blur of foam with 13 _somehow_ managing to stay right on our tail.

"Are you really no faster than a freaking _otter?"_ I grit out. In any other situation I'd try and be kinder, but right now 13 was just starting to _tick me off._

"Normal ottahs, easily. Dat guy ain't normal…" He glanced over his shoulder with a grimace. "But he suah as heck ain't local eithah, so it all evens out. Fah now, let's see him keep up in da boondock labyrinth!"

So saying, the Yagara turned a corner towards a wide branching series of water-paths. He kept taking forks in the road, as fast as he could manage it, and each time resulted in Mr. 13 taking just a little longer to keep up. After a few minutes, 13 fell out of sight and the Yagara abruptly turned in an entirely different direction and stopped at a low-level sidewalk.

"Head across da plaza, hang a right, and don't stop until ya hit da end of da' block!" the Yagara ordered.

"Eh?!" I blinked in confusion. "But this isn't where we're headed!"

The Yagara made to answer, then flinched as the sound of splintering wood sounded out a fair distance away. "Do you wanna get there before that water-rat catches you or not!?"

" _ **I'd listen to**_ THE BULL _if I were you!"_ Soundbite pleaded.

"Alright, I'm going!" I said as I leapt out and started sprinting as he'd ordered. Seconds later, there was a splash and the sound of someone running behind me, but I didn't look back as I made a beeline for the corner. A right turn and a few feet later found me waiting at the corner looking around in panic… before another Yagara Bull suddenly pulled up out of nowhere.

"I'm wid da Union, get on!" he said, his tone conveying no room for hesitation or argument. Neither did the sound of 13 catching up to me either, for that matter, which _really_ moved me to leap onto the Bull's back and hang on for dear life as he tore off.

"Not as talkative as the other bulls," I muttered.

"Some of us prefah to concentrate on dah job," the bull muttered back, matching his words as he focused on making tracks in the water. He jetted around for a few more canals before stopping by a landing without warning. "Run ovah to da next street, get to da centah of the bridge and den jump. Youse got thirty seconds."

This time, I didn't even hesitate to jump out and book it, charging down the street and easily locating the bridge that spanned the canal. The fact that I couldn't hear Friday or 13 behind me was a good sign, but knowing those two, I seriously doubted I was safe. As such, I didn't hesitate to climb on the bridge's railing and throw myself over.

One second I was falling towards the (relatively) rushing water, and the next found me landing not-so-gracefully on the back of yet another Yagara Bull's gondola.

"Let me guess, you're with the Union?" I reasoned.

"Precisely," the Yagara pronounced without slowing down. "I'm da last in da chain, you'll be as close to Big Bros Sod and Gom's house as we can get youse once I getcha there." It paused before shooting a glare over its shoulder. "Also, though I appreciate bein' able ta talk, I'm a _lady."_

I jabbed my finger at Soundbite with a flat glare. "Blame him."

" _What!?_ HELL NO, **blame Canada!"**

"This isn't South Park and I _don't_ respect your 'authoritay', now fix it!" I snapped.

Soundbite had the good conscience to flinch slightly. " _ **Ah, right.**_ **HOW'S THIS?"**

The Yagara hummed contemplatively. "One and two, test test…" she grinned victoriously. "Yeah, this'll work! Thanks! Ah, and check it out!" She pulled up alongside the mouth of a relatively grimy alley in a rather rundown part of town. "Here yah ah! Just head on outta town and yah should be theyah, yah can't miss Franky House if'n yah tried!"

"Got it, thanks!" I said thankfully, waving at her as I climbed out. "And, just out of curiosity, what the heck _is_ the Union and how powerful is it anyways?"

The Yagara donned a cocky grin. "Tha Union's short for the Yagara Bull's Workah Union, and for how powahful we ah, well…" Her grin widened by several molars. "Don't ask questions yah can't handle tha answah to." And with that, she sped off and turned out of sight.

I watched after her for a second before shrugging and turning to start walking down the alleyway. "So… seeing as we can't hear the pesky pair coming after us like bats out of hell anymore, you guys think we might have lost them?"

 _FWUMP!_

" _Not a chance in hell."_

With an expression that was more incredulous and exasperated than terrified, I turned around to stare at where the Unluckies had landed behind me. They were thoroughly disheveled and clearly exhausted, but that hardly made them any less threatening than they had been at the start of this, in _spite_ of all I'd done to them.

"Okay, _seriously,"_ I demanded in shock. "What damned circle of _hell_ did Crocodile drag you two monsters out of!?"

"Kuraigana Island," Friday deadpanned.

"Freaking Humandrills…" 13 scowled.

I paused as I processed that before allowing my face to fall into a neutral expression. "…Yeah, that tracks. Ah, and by the way?" I tapped the side of my head. "Your sunglasses are askew." I stuck my palm out at them. "Gastro-Flash." And then there was _light._

"YEARGH!"

I turned tail and ran as the pair reeled and clutched their eyes in agony. It only took me a minute to run past the edge of town and onto the meager wasteland that encircled the city proper, with the unique and eccentric Franky House laid out before me. It was at that point that a roar/squawk of fury sounded out behind me, prompting me to run even faster. Thankfully, the scrabble of talons on stonework meant that Friday was probably too exhausted to fly anymore, but that sure the hell didn't mean that I was willing to stop for even a moment. My muscles burned like all hell, but soon enough I managed to reach the doors of the House and shoulder my way inside without stopping.

Once inside, I didn't even pause for an instant as I barreled my way past the shocked members of the Franky Family. I dodged to the side in order to avoid someone grabbing me, baseball-slid under the legs of one of their no doubt part-giant members, and at one point I even went so far as to spring onto a poker table they'd set up and use it as a springboard from which I could leap across the heads of at least three more members.

Finally, I reached the raised dais at the back of the house where there were two couches set up opposite one another, and without missing a beat I vaulted over its backrest and landed in the seat across from none other than Franky, a.k.a. Cutty Flam, a.k.a. the boss of Water 7's underworld, a.k.a. _our future shipwright_. "Hi, there!" I chirped in a perfectly casual tone. "Franky, right? My name's Jeremiah Cross, of the Straw Hat Pirates! Maybe you've heard of me? Nice to meetcha!" I grabbed his hand and shook it for a second before noticing what he was holding in his _other_ hand. "Oh, is that Cola? I haven't had any in forever! Mind if I have some? Thanks!" I didn't even wait for a response as I snatched the bottle from his hand and started draining it mercilessly.

Franky blinked in shock as I chugged the bottle he'd just been holding. "Wait, what the—?"

I finished the bottle off with a relieved sigh, followed by a gut-rattling belch. "Ahhh, now _that_ hit the spot! Thanks for that, I ran here from halfway across the city, so I am _parched!_ Anyway, sorry for barging in like this, but it was really important that I meet with you so that I could offer you the business deal of a lifetime!" I eagerly held my wrist up and pointed at the briefcase I was hauling. "Trust me, it'll be way worth your while!"

An instant later, the Unluckies filled the sides of the sofa beside me, shoving their guns against my temple with more than a little force.

My smile became rather fixed as I tried _very_ hard not to move. "But, ah, first, before we get down to business, do you think you could help get rid of my little friends?" I winced as they pressed their weapons even harder. "Pretty please?"

Franky took in the situation for a second before grunting and starting to stand up. "Alright, you two, I don't know what your issue with him is, but let him—"

 _BA-BANG!_

I flinched as the Unluckies shot Franky in the chest without even looking at him, knocking him back and bowling over both him and his sofa. They then proceeded to cock the secondary barrels on their pistols and re-aim them at me, all without missing a beat.

I swallowed heavily as I eyed my assailants before pausing as a thought struck me. "… Alright, I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth here, but I just have to know: why haven't you done it yet?"

The Unluckies tilted their heads in the slightest indications of confusion.

"Why haven't you shot me?" I clarified. "You've had me at gunpoint _several_ times now, and it would only take a single second to send a bullet ripping through my skull. So why? _Why_ haven't you killed me yet?"

The two of them exchanged looks for the briefest of seconds…

"Tsss…"

Before hissing out a sharp breath between their teeth…

"TSHAHAHAHA!"

And throwing their heads back and _cackling_ in dark and malevolent humor.

Well, if I didn't think that these assholes were evil _before…_

"Tshahaha, ha, _haaa…"_ 13 wound down to a light chuckle and shook his head as he wiped a finger beneath his eye. "Ah, man… we _seriously_ overestimated you, Cross, we _really_ did. The way you talked earlier, we thought you knew _something_ of hatred, that you had a clue…"

"But if you even have to ask, then you really must have _no_ idea of what hatred is like after all," Miss Friday shook her head in amusement. "You have no idea what it's like to truly despise someone, to hate their very existence with every fiber of your being that you can muster."

"Because you see," 13 picked up with a vicious grin as he ground his weapon against my skull. "That's what we feel for _you._ You're no longer a mere vendetta, no longer a grudge, you're the object of our _hatred._ We _despise_ you, Jeremiah Cross, you and that snail of yours. We hate you on a conceptual level that we didn't think was _possible_ until now. There are… truly no words that can be used to define the depths of our emotions."

"But as undefinable as our emotions are, _one_ thing is undeniable." Friday's talons gouged into the sofa cushion, and her grip on her own gun shook slightly. "Taking your life in an instant, with a single bullet? That fate… is just too _merciful._ We just… we _can't_ let it sit there, you see? We can't let you die that… that _kindly._ No, Jeremiah Cross, you won't die here, and not today either. You'll die at our safehouse, a long time from now. You will die alone, you will die in agony, and above all? You will die _slowly,_ after we have performed every physically possible act of torture we can conceive or learn of _._ Do. You. _Understand?"_

I swallowed heavily as I swapped my gaze between the two utter _psychopaths_ I was trapped between before slowly raising a finger. "Ah… I-I see… then, i-if I may ask you one more question?"

13 bared his fangs as he brought his face close to mine. "The last one you'll get before Friday rips your tongue out _and eats it."_

"Right…" I was forced to _re-_ steel my nerves due to that particular image before managing to force a cocky grin in place. "Well, I just wanted to know if you were planning on doing all that you have lined up for me before or after the cyborg you ticked off kicks your asses."

Friday and 13 paused and visibly blinked in confusion. "Cy-what-now?" they chorused.

"Cy _borg,"_ I explained casually. "You know, half human, half machine. Something sort of like Mr. 1? Usually they're pure sci-fi, but there are a few examples out and about in the world today. Like, say…" I widened my grin as I looked up at the figure looming before us. "The SUPER! Boss of Water 7's underground?"

" _Sup."_

 _CLENCH!_

It was at that point that two massive hands reached down and _crushed_ the Unluckies' guns, as well as the limbs gripping them.

"GYAGH!" the animal-assassins cried in agony as Franky lifted them both up by their limbs and held them before his infuriated face.

"You two pests think that you can break into my house, shoot me without even a second thought, and then threaten someone's life like that without there being any consequences?" he growled. "I don't think so. And _you—"_ He snapped his glare down to me, killing my nascent grin where it stood. "You intrude upon my home, shove past my boys, force me to meet with you, _drink my_ _Cola,_ and you _actually_ think that I'll work for you?"

I swallowed heavily before plastering an only slightly shaky grin on my face. "For my crew, to be specific." I brought my briefcase onto my lap and clicked it open, showing off the contents. "And for a rather exorbitant commission at that."

Franky's expression remained set in stone for what felt like an eternity before a massive grin split his face. "Ice-for-Brains owes me a whole bundle of cash," he announced in a jovial tone. "You Strawhats are _just_ as insane in real life as you make yourselves out to be on your show!"

" **SIR!** _ **YOU OFFEND US!"**_ Soundbite cried out in a faux-insulted tone before grinning maniacally. " _OUR INSANITY_ **delves deeper than any** _ **mortal mind can possibly**_ IMAGINE."

"I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit," Zambai cut in.

" _Deeper than even_ **THAT!"** Soundbite asserted.

Franky chuckled. "Well, I'm definitely looking forward to talking business with you guys." His expression then took on a hint of sadism as he held up the still-struggling Unluckies, causing them to stiffen in terror. "Lemme just deal with these pests first." And with that, he strode to the front of his dais and held the pair out for the rest of the Franky Family to see. "Boys? Do me a favor and _educate_ these two on etiquette while I address our guest."

And with that, he flung the pair out into the crowd and walked back to the couch, summarily ignoring the sound of brawling and screaming that arose behind him.

"Now, then, it seems that we already know each other: Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite of the Straw Hat Pirates, founders and hosts of the SBS—"

"And Franky, ship dismantler and the head of Water 7's underworld, the most _SUPER_ guy I'll ever have the pleasure of meeting?" I finished, grinning ear to ear.

"Looks like you're not the only one whose reputation precedes them," Franky said, grinning just as wide. "So, let's cut to the chase. First of all… what's with the Government otter and the vulture? I mean…" The cyborg shrugged casually. "Besides those bastards no doubt wanting your head on a spear anyway."

"Not Government, just wearing suits in order to coast off the rep," I said, waving my hand dismissively. "They used to work for Crocodile, but after we took him down Soundbite and I… paid them visits in prison as payback for attacking us during that particular fiasco. We…" I scratched my neck sheepishly. " _May_ have escalated matters, which made them decide to kill us. This is the second time we've met them since we left Alabasta, and probably not the last."

"Huh…" Franky scratched his chin as he gazed over my shoulder at the mob behind us. "Ya know, I could do you a favor and put them on a spit. It wouldn't be any trouble, really."

"Nah, nah, it's fine, no need to go that far," I replied, shaking my head. "Just give them a beating and toss them… pretty much anywhere, really."

"Don't be an idiot, Cross."

I blinked and looked over my shoulder in surprise. "Lassoo?"

The Zoan-weapon growled and shifted on my back before pushing himself off so that he could roll to the ground, morphing to his full dog form as he did so. He glared up at me as he sat on his rump. "You heard me, Cross, I said don't be an idiot," he repeated. "You heard those two monsters, they're not going to give up trying to kill you any time soon. You can shake them or send them away, but they _will_ be back. Better to kill them now and be done with it, once and for all."

I frowned at my weapon and shook my head in denial. "No, Lassoo. I've gotten this far without killing, I'm not about to stop now. I know that they'll be back, that's a given, but I'll handle them then like I handled them now."

"But next time you might not get anywhere near as lucky!" Lassoo snarled, his hackles raised in annoyance. "Next time they might lose their patience, next time they might hurt someone _else!"_ He paused, panting, before backing down with a sympathetic look. "Look… Cross, if you don't want to kill them, that's _fine,_ just let me do it! I've done it before, more times than I can count, there wouldn't be—"

"Wouldn't be any blood on my hands? Wrong. Inaction to stop a death like this would be as bad as doing it with my own two hands," I countered.

"FOR THE LOVE OF _**YOU-KNOW-WHO,**_ **CROSS,** _IT'S A water-rat_ _ **and a**_ **feather-rat, BOTH OF WHICH** _ **WANT TO**_ _TORTURE US_ TO DEATH! _Why are you_ **showing THEM** _ **mercy?!"**_ Soundbite snapped indignantly.

I shot a glare at him and opened my mouth to say something heated before hastily snapping my jaws shut and snorting out an aggravated breath. I took a second to get my thoughts together before grimacing and holding up my hands defensively. "I-I know, I know, but… look, I'm not naïve, alright? I _know_ that I've been lucky in not having to kill so far, I know that one day I'm going to get into a situation where…" I looked down at my hands, almost imagining the blood there. "Where it'll be kill or no kill with no exit, no third option, but…" I shook my head in an effort to discard the thoughts. "But it's _not_ going to be today, it's not going to be in cold blood, and above all else?"

My demeanor sharpened as I shot a vicious glare over my shoulder at the mob behind us. "I'm not going to _let_ it be _those two._ I'm not going to give them the 'honor' of finally making me break. They can hate me and they can hunt me as much as they want, but at the end of the day?" I shook my head in disgust as I looked ahead. "I'm not going to let them make me like them. I'm not going to sink to their level, because the fact of the matter is that while they might be monsters, they're monsters motivated by hate, and that means that they _just. Aren't. Worth it."_

Lassoo and Soundbite stared at me, borderline awestruck expressions on their faces.

"C-Cross, I—!" Lassoo started to breathe.

And whatever he was about to say was then lost to the wind as the moment shattered to pieces. Said shattering resulted from the very, very undignified sound of a literally tough-as-nails cyborg _bawling his eyes out._

"Seriously!? You are _that_ hair-trigger!?" I squawked in disbelief.

"Sh-Shaddup, I'm not crying, you're crying!" wept the _very_ clearly crying Franky.

"The hell I am!"

"Cross, I thought you said he was going to hit it off with _Boss_ right away, not _Chopper_ ," Lassoo deadpanned.

"You haven't seen him _SUPER_ yet," I muttered under my breath before sliding my headphones on. "Oh, and fair warning? I'm going to snap him out of it the fastest way I know how, so cover your ears."

Soundbite and Lassoo's expressions morphed into ones of panic as I slid my hand into my bag. "DON'T YOU DARE—"

 _ **BWAAAAAAAAAH!**_

The entirety of the Franky House reacted as the foghorn blared out. And seeing their faces, I couldn't help but chuckle. "I love this thing."

"WE KNOW!" everyone roared back.

"Geeze, that stupid horn is even _louder_ in person," Franky grumbled as he dug his fingers in his ears. "Alright, moving on. Boys? Break them up, tie them up, and stick them in storage on the Puffing Tom." He looked at me in askance. "I can respect you not wanting them dead, but do you want me to make sure they can't come after you again?"

I turned to frown at the pair thoughtfully for a second before shrugging. "Yeah, go ahead, my conscience can live with that."

"Perfect! Hey, boys!" Franky belted out, getting his guys attention. "Don't kill 'em, but make sure to clip their wings and claws before you leave 'em. Oh!" He snapped his fingers as a thought hit him. "And they're a pretty close team, so keep them apart."

"Got it, Big Bro," Zambai saluted. "Destroyers, you're with me."

"Got it, Zambai," the part-giants chorused, gathering the twitching, groaning animals and binding them before heading out. As the door closed, the rest of the house looked at Franky, who made a careless gesture that signalled them to return to business as usual. With that, Franky sat back on his couch and grinned invitingly.

"So, Jeremiah Cross, what do the biggest smartasses in the world of pirates want with me?"

I made to respond—

 _SLAM!_ "JEREMIAH CROSS!"

—and was promptly cut off by the unmistakable sound of a door being kicked off its hinges, accompanied by the unmistakably furious voice of one Nefertari Vivi.

I stiffened in terror as I felt visual daggers slam into the back of my head, and I gave Franky a desperate look. "For the love of all that's holy, _please_ tell me that this place has a bolthole."

Franky shook his head with a tsk. "Sorry, buddy, but it wouldn't do you any good. This chick looks like she's ready to move heaven and earth to rip your head off."

I winced, stood up and turned around as I mentally prepared any kind of excuse I could muster to keep my head attached to my neck… and was promptly brought up short when I actually caught sight of her. More specifically…

"What the hell— _did you change your clothes!?"_

Rather than the white blue-dotted sundress that she'd been wearing on the Merry, Vivi was currently clad in a beige suit-and-skirt combo and a scarlet tie. It was a bit plain, true, but it put off an air of pure professionalism.

"Aheheh, sorry, Cross," Conis apologized in a sheepish tone as she followed the steaming Princess through the collapsed door. She'd also changed her outfit so that she was wearing a professional-looking dark blue long coat, cyan khakis, and a white turtleneck, along with her white beret and the goggles hanging around her neck.

"What possible reason could there have been to go clothes shopping while I was _fighting for my life!?"_ I demanded indignantly.

"Simple." Boss snorted out a cloud of smoke as he waddled into sight, wearing a pair of mirrored aviator sunglasses and a flak jacket. "She said that there was no way in hell that those two bastards would be able to crush someone as resilient as you."

"Ya gotta admit, she _wath_ wight, wight?" Carue chuckled, having changed into a charcoal-grey cap and one of those white collar things with a matching scarlet tie.

"Of course she was!" Su snickered from Conis's shoulder. The fox was… actually as naked as usual. Don't really know what I was expecting.

I opened my mouth to protest, and settled for looking away as I coughed into my fist "Well, when you put it like that…"

"This…"

I stiffened as Vivi suddenly hissed viciously and started stalking forward, like some massive storm front encroaching on the horizon.

"This actually _is_ going to be a _thing_ with you, isn't it?" Vivi snarled viciously. "This is going to be a _thing_ that happens every time we land on an island and you go out for a damn _walk,_ isn't it? A _thing_ that happens without fail and with _increasing intensity!?"_

I struggled to get my mental gears to grind as I backed away from her in terror. "A-Alright, Vivi, alright, l-let's just calm down and—!" I was cut off by backing into Franky's sofa, which gave Vivi the time she needed to hop onto the dais and loom over me. "L-Look, just what exactly did I do to deserve you being furious at me this time!? I-If it's the property damage, did you honestly expect me to be able to fight off the Unluckies in a metropolis like this without some collateral damage?"

"Some collateral damage," Vivi repeated in a tone of icy calm. " _Some_ collateral damage. Yes, Cross, I expected _some_ collateral damage. I always expect _some_ collateral damage from our crew and I've especially come to expect it from you. But even in spite of that… I find myself with a question."

I swallowed meekly. "A… A question?"

"A question," she repeated, her tone dripping with vitriol as she grabbed my collar and started dragging me back to the entryway of the house. "A question I find myself asking for the _third_ time since I met this crew. A question I never even _conceived_ of asking before I had the _misfortune_ of meeting _you_. And that question… is thus."

She grabbed the back of my head and forced me forward, so that I was staring out the doorway without obstruction.

" _WHY IN THE NAME OF HORUS, ANUBIS, RA, AND EVERY LAST GOD IN THE ALABASTAN PANTHEON,_ **IS THE GODDAMN CITY** _**ON FIRE!?"**_

"What the hell are yooooooooh holy shit the city is on fire," I trailed off numbly.

And indeed, the city _was_ on fire. A great big chunk of it too, smoke and flames and everything.

I stared numbly at the conflagration for a second before turning a carefully neutral expression at Vivi. "… Would you buy that it was in self-defense?"

 _THWACK!_

"GYARGH!" I squawked, clutching my _very_ broken nose in agony. "GODDAB IT, NOD AGAIN!"

"ROT IN HELL!" Vivi roared without looking back as she marched into the house.

I took a moment to collect my thoughts before following her. How the hell _had_ this happened?! At Nanohana, I'd had a pissed-off Fire Logia chasing me. At Mock Town—which, by the way, was mostly made of wood—I'd set off a massive free-for-all in the middle of a pirate town. But here? I couldn't think of anything that might have set off a fire like that! I mean, maybe that food stall I'd used to spice up the Unluckies, but that was—!

… Dammit, that was it, wasn't? Open flames, hot oil… perfect for starting up a blaze and letting it get out of control.

"Whoob—"

"Hang on a sec," Boss grunted as he waddled up to me, jumped up—

 _CRACK!_

"ARGH!" I clamped my hand over my nose in agony as it was righted. "Ow… ergh, thanks."

"Not a problem," the dugong waved me off casually.

"Anyway… yeah, whoops. Sorry, that was definitely my fault."

"Eh… not all of it, really."

"Huh?" I looked back in confusion to see Franky standing behind me and looking over my shoulder. "What are you talking about?"

He pointed out the leftmost region of the fire. "See that blaze over there? Yeah, that's mine. From five years back, actually."

" _What,"_ I repeated flatly.

"Heh, yeah…" The cyborg scratched the back of his head. "I was, ah, kinda experimenting with trying to create a stable power source and, well… one thing led to another…"

"Stable enough that it kept a fire burning for five years," Vivi repeated, this time with _disbelief_ in place of anger. "Five _years_."

"Eeyah…" Franky blushed in embarrassment. " _Really_ should have thought twice about trying to dig out an old coal mine I heard rumors about."

"You're lucky," I stated. "I remember back home reading somewhere about a coal fire that started three hundred years ago and is still going."

Franky and Vivi gaped at me, along with several others within earshot. Then the princess coughed and shook her head slightly. "Er, anyway, we're getting off topic," she said, extending her hand to Franky. "I am Nefertari Vivi, negotiator of the Straw Hat Pirates. I believe it's safe to assume that you're Franky, boss of the Franky Family?"

Franky opened his mouth to reply, but then shut it as a grin slid over his face. "Hold that thought." Before any of us could act, he ran back to his dais while the rest of his Family scrambled around doing something or other and—wait, why were they lowering a sheet over—? _Were those drums!?_

The penny dropped when a spotlight shone behind the curtain, outlining a trio of silhouettes: Franky and two square-haired women who began dancing without warning.

"Hey, guys!" Franky crowed eagerly. "Did you just say my name!?"

" _Hell yeah!"_ the members of the Franky Family cheered eagerly.

"What on earth…?" Vivi gaped in disbelief.

"NO CLUE WHAT, _**but I just know THAT IT'S**_ **FUNK-AY!"** Soundbite whooped as he bobbed his head to the beat.

I chuckled in amusement as I patted Vivi's shoulder. "Welcome to Franky House, Princess."

"Yeow, yeow, yeow, _yeow!"_ Franky howled as he and the sisters pumped their legs before moving their arms into a square-like position. "Come on everybody, no need to be shy! Say my name!"

" _BIG BRO FRANKY!"_ The whole of the house shook from the force of the roar.

"WOO, GO POMPADOUR-BOY! SHAKE YO' MONEY MAKER!"

"Su!"

"Oh, c'mon, Conis, you were thinking it too!"

"Well…"

"Ahh, nothing more satisfying than a supportive audience!" Franky said before grabbing the bottom of the sheet, ripping it away and dancing even more energetically. "I'm Water 7's number one _SUPAH!_ guy, the face of the underworld and you know why! The man with the plan, the power and fame, and people everywhere call out my name! _Wow!"_

Franky and the sisters knelt down and started pounding their fists on the ground with a building hum. " _MmmmmMMMMM!"_ The mob-boss and his backup dancers snapped up in a pose, arms held together in the air. " _FRANKY!"_

 _BOMF!_

Aaaand there was the ending with the smokebomb.

"Soundbite? Appropriate applause, please," I grinned.

Grinning, the snail promptly added to the already abundant applause with noise comparable to that of a live concert.

While the rest of the family cheered I took the time to grin down at Lassoo. "Still think he and Boss aren't a match made in heaven?"

"I… might have jumped the cannon…" Lassoo coughed in his paw.

In the aftermath, I took note that yes, Franky was currently being flanked by his seconds-in-command, the yellow-clad Mozu, and the pink-clad Kiwi—who was currently posing in a pink bath robe?

 _THWACK!_

I winced sympathetically as she suddenly laid Franky out flat.

"Sis!" Mozu reeled in shock.

"Be happy I didn't give you one too!" Kiwi warned before rounding on their boss. "And you! Next time, don't call me when I'm in the damn shower!"

"Ugh… _ow…_ damn it, how do you make that hurt when I'm made of metal!? And sorry, Kiwi, but would you expect me not to show off for the _Straw Hats?"_ Franky asked as he got back on his feet, rubbing the back of his head in equal parts sheepishness and pain.

"I don't care if they're Tom himself back from the dead!" I winced and noticed Franky hiding the same reaction. "Do it again, and I'll aim _lower._ Got it?"

"Alright, alright, eesh." Franky waved her off and watched as she walked back into the house, her sister swiftly following after her, before sighing grimly. "Really shoulda given that more thought…" He swiftly recovered and puffed his chest out proudly as he jabbed his thumb at himself. "Anyway, yeah! I'm Franky, big bro and boss of the Franky Family! Welcome, Straw Hats! Now then, boys…" His grin became somewhat bestial as he fell back in his sofa, arms and legs spread wide so that he took up more room. "How about you get us and our guests some refreshments while we talk?"

And just like that, as the Franky Family started milling around and set about their various tasks, Vivi's demeanor shifted; her shock and hesitation washed away and was replaced with cold hard determination. "Conis, Carue, stay behind the couch. Cross, Boss, you're sitting next to me. I realize this might be a relaxed setting, but let's at least try and act halfway professional."

I shrugged and stood a little bit straighter. "You've got point here, milady. Lead the way."

The princess nodded confidently and strode forwards, Boss alongside her left flank while Carue stood behind her. Conis moved to stand beside Carue while I sank onto the couch to Vivi's right.

Franky cocked an eyebrow at the formal display before smirking and raising one of his arms. Within moments, one of his boys was present, dropping a pair of large brown-filled bottles on the coffee table before disappearing back into the crowd.

"Hope you don't mind Cola," the cyborg chuckled as he picked up one of the bottles and prepared to knock it back. "So long as you're in my house, it's the only drink you can get. But of course, if the princess can't handle it—!"

Without ever breaking her neutral expression, Vivi snatched up her full bottle of Cola, threw her head head back and utterly _drained_ it. What _had_ to be nearly two litres of soda vanished in a matter of seconds, following which Vivi gently replaced the bottle on the coffee table and… nothing. No matter how long we waited, what we were all waiting for just didn't come.

Vivi, for her part, smiled beatifically. "Brawnson's. A very nice choice. I prefer St. Dobrynac's myself, but I suppose my palate might be a bit overly spoiled there, sooo…" She waved her hand dismissively.

Franky stared at her in shock for a moment before sighing heavily and placing his bottle down in defeat. "Well, I sure as heck can't top that." He leaned forward, his hands on his knees as he eyed our diplomat. "Alright, let's cut the posturing crap and get down to business: what do guys like you want with guys like me and mine?"

Vivi's artificial cheer drained away into grim solemnity. "As you no doubt already know, roughly two months ago, we travelled up to the sky island known as Skypiea, which is where we recruited our gunner—" She nodded her head back at Conis, who smiled and waved pleasantly. "And where our third mate…" She hesitated slightly as she glanced at me.

I chuckled grimly as I raised my hand. "Where I got my limbs turned into grilled mozzarella, no need to pussyfoot around."

Franky shuddered sympathetically. "Yeah, I don't think anyone missed that little shitshow. Ice-for-Brains had his Galley-La chumps handing out lozenges for snails with sore throats all across the city." He tilted his head in confusion. "But what's that got to do with me? Going by how Cross moved earlier, I doubt he needs me to make him any new limbs."

 _That_ caught Vivi off-guard. "Make him new—?"

Franky glanced at me, to which I responded with a grin and a shrug. "I'm more knowledgeable than the rest of my crew, and I like letting them learn non-crucial stuff for themselves. But since it's out of the bag…"

"Oh, yeah, sure. Check it out!" And without further ado, he grabbed his right wrist and yanked his forearm in half. While the rest of my crewmates recoiled in shock, I whistled in awe and leaned forward to give the separation a closer look. Besides his arm being hollow inside, less than an inch of Franky's epidermis—no, of an _epidermis-like facsimile_ —was wrapped around the metal of the limb. Overall, it was damn impressive.

"What on _earth!?"_ Vivi breathed in shock.

"Even _I_ know that that's not normal," Conis gasped.

"What the heck _are_ you!?" Su demanded.

"I'm a cyborg, of course!" Franky proclaimed proudly as he refastened his limb. "This body you're looking at is known as Battle Franky 36, my thirty-sixth custom creation! I went through my own level of hell that wrecked my body something fierce and rebuilt myself from the ground up. Pretty sweet, huh?"

"To be clear, you made this badass monument to all things manly yourself?" Boss clarified as he gestured at Franky.

"Eeyup!" Franky chirped, popping a firm thumbs-up.

"…I am intrigued," Boss finally admitted, stroking his chin.

A cough sounded out from Vivi's direction, drawing attention back to her. "Well, now I see why Cross wanted your expertise." I grinned in response to her glance in my direction. "But I think we might have gotten off-topic. Anyway, to clarify why I brought that particular ordeal up…" She sighed and hung her head. "Cross… wasn't the only one of us crippled in the fighting."

"Seriously?" Franky sat up in shock. "But I don't remember—?"

"We… didn't find out until today," Vivi clarified. "During an altercation with one of Eneru's priests before the war proper, our comrade was thrown just the wrong way and…" She bowed her head, forcing her voice to remain steady. "And her… _her keel cracked."_

It took a few seconds for that to sink in. When it did, however, Franky's expression was equal parts awed and horrified as he leaned back in his seat. "…Your ship? The… The Going Merry, right?" His eyes widened in shock. "And… And you said you only found out _today?_ She's been sailing with a snapped keel for—?" Apparently our expressions were answer enough, going by how he slapped a hand to his forehead. "Holy _shit…"_

"Precisely…" I nodded gravely. "We… We'd love to fix her somehow, we really would, but—!"

"Not possible," Franky interrupted, shaking his head in denial. "For a ship to sail for even a week with a snapped keel is a miracle, but two months is utterly unheard of. The damage that your ship's infrastructure must have suffered since then…" He gave us all a sad look. "This goes so far beyond just her keel now. I'm sorry, but you'd need to replace… almost every other part of her hull from the keel out to fix her. I don't doubt that she's strong, she'd have to be, but… Water 7's her grave now."

We all flinched and lapsed into miserable silence as the harsh reality of our situation washed over us again. I thought I had already exhausted my grief. I was wrong; I had to try hard to not start crying again. There was a respectful moment of silence before Franky spoke again, more softly. "So, if you came to someone like me with this, then… I'm guessing you want me to handle her… end?"

Boss recovered first, shaking his head as he bit down on his cigar. "Ah… no, not… exactly. Merry's our ship and our responsibility, we can give her a dignified end on our own. No, we're not here concerning an ending. We're here about a new beginning."

"Eh?"

"Mister Franky." Vivi drew herself to attention as she pinned Franky with a gaze practically shining in its intensity. "We are here on behalf of the Straw Hat Pirates in order to commission the construction of our new ship by yours truly."

The cyborg immediately fell into a more guarded expression. "Wait, you're asking me to make you a new ship? Because that's Galley-La's forte, my reputation is as a ship _dismantler_. Why would you think that it'd be a good idea to come to me for this?"

"Because as you yourself have so aptly demonstrated, you're one of, if not _the_ best engineer on this side of the Grand Line, surpassed only by Doctor Vegapunk himself," I cut in. "You _literally_ built yourself from the ground up. Any ship made by you would be a work of absolute _perfection._ "

"Eh? Doctor who?" Franky asked in confusion.

" **YES!"** Soundbite started to cackle…

 _SMACK!_ " _AGH!"_

Until I forced him back into his shell, anyways. "Not the time, Soundbite."

" **Killjoy…"**

"…Alwight, moving on fow the sake of sanity?" Carue suggested.

"Agreed," Franky said, his eyes narrowing as he looked over us. "Because I've still got questions. I'll admit that you'll be hard-pressed to find a better engineer than me, even in Galley-La, but that still doesn't connect to ship-building, so how the _hell_ did you know to ask me to do this for you?"

"You were actually recommended to us as the best person to ask," Conis provided.

Franky was silent for a second before slowly rising to his feet and looming over us, his expression shadowed but not doing anything to hid his flinty glare. "Who. Told you. To ask for me?" he demanded, his voice promising nothing but pain if he didn't like the answer.

It was a true credit to Vivi that she didn't even flinch before the display, instead favoring Franky with a cool stare. "It was the station-mistress of Switch Station, one Granny Kokoro," she replied, producing and holding out the letter from said station-mistress as though it were yesterday's to-do list written on the back of last year's receipt.

Franky's expression changed again, from barely concealed murderous rage to equally barely hidden shock and then just as swiftly to deliberate neutrality. Without giving anything away, the cyborg took the letter and opened it. He raised his eyebrows as he read the message, and then sank back into his seat in wide-eyed shock as he reached the finish. A few seconds later, he slowly folded up the message and replaced it in the envelope before locking eyes with each of us.

"You _spoke…_ to a Klabautermann? She… She came out in plain sight when you _asked?"_ he breathed.

One and all, we grimaced anew and struggled to hold back our tears as the memory came back to us.

"…I wasn't expecting that." Franky bowed his head with a quiet sigh, tearing up again. "For a ship to love their crew that much… to keep going past her own limits, and to show that much emotion to you… IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER HEARD!" he declared, bawling his eyes out again.

My eye twitched as he sobbed miserably. "Ah… not that we don't appreciate your support, but if we could get back on topic please—?" I requested as my hand drifted down to my bag.

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" everyone else in the house roared furiously.

"Alright, alright, no need to yell!" I snickered as I snapped my hands up.

"Starting to see why the Government wants your head…" Franky grumbled as he wiped his eyes and got his composure back. "Alright, so, Granny sent you to me, huh… look, let's be clear here: what exactly are you looking for from me?"

My smile faded, and I glanced at Vivi for confirmation, to which she responded with a nod, prompting Boss and I to place our briefcases on the coffee table. "We came to you, Franky, because besides being a genius in the field of engineering, you also have extensive connections in the black market. We'd like to hire you to build us a ship worthy of a new Pirate King, one to rival the Oro Jackson itself." I kindly ignored the slight twitch in Franky's eye at that. "Of course, for this endeavor to be accomplished, a necessary component would be wood from the Jewel Tree Adam."

Boss and I clicked our cases open, and Franky's jaw all but hit the ground as we showed off the amount of wealth we were hauling. "What we have here is ฿500 million in gold and cash. Should you accept, we'd like you to use it to buy what you need for our ship, but before that…" I scrunched my eyes shut, struggling to fend off the image of the fire and snow. "Before that, we want you to at least _try_ scouring the market for any chance, no matter how remote, that we can keep Merry with us. We've all accepted that we have to move on and let her go, but…"

I gave him a truly desperate look. "I… back on Skypiea, I talked to Merry, and I promised her, _promised her_ that I would do anything that I could to save her. I… I know now that she lied to me when she said that she would be fine, that she still had a chance but…" I shook my head. "But damn it, I'm a member of the Strawhat Pirates, and I wouldn't be worthy of our flag if I didn't do every last thing I possibly could to keep a promise. And at this point… at this point the black market connections _are_ that very last thing. So if there's some way Merry can stay with us… then we'll take it in a second."

Franky stared silently at me for a few seconds before exhaling. "I promise you, Cross, if there's anything that can help her, I'll get it. Saving the Merry after all I've heard about her would be worth more than twice this money."

I managed a weak, grateful smile, but it faded as Franky folded his arms and continued. "But, in the event that I can't find anything… The going rate for Adam wood is currently about ฿200 million a shipment, and extra materials shouldn't cost more than that. You're offering me more than enough for the supplies for your new ship, but my question is, how much of this is for your ship, and how much do I get to keep? And before you say anything!" He snapped his hand up to forestall any protests. "I still have my family to take care of, and the going has been rough lately, what with the Marines coming around more often to get their ships from Galley-La. I'll still help you, that's decided, but I just wanna hammer out the details is all."

I took a second to process that before snapping my case shut—which Boss mirrored—and sitting back with a nod to Vivi. "You're up, Princess."

Vivi sat up straighter as she locked eyes with Franky. "How much of it do you _want_ to take?"

Franky folded his arms. "Like I said, with my connections, it'll take about ฿200 million to buy enough Adam wood to build you the ship of your dreams; any other odds and ends I can get from what's already on this island. So, straight up, I'd like the remaining ฿300 million."

"Unacceptable," Vivi declared without hesitation. "฿25 million, at most."

"T-Twenty-five—!? You _must_ be kidding!" Franky scoffed as he slammed a hand on the coffee table. "No freaking way! I have fifty-five people and two King Bulls in my family, they're as big as Sea Kings! Twenty-five wouldn't last more than three days! ฿275 million!"

"฿50 million, we still need to live with _Nami,"_ Vivi retorted.

Franky winced sympathetically at that. "Alright, that's fair…" His expression became set in stone a moment later. "But my sympathy only goes so far. ฿200 million, final offer."

"฿75 million."

Franky's expression didn't shift. "200 million," he repeated firmly.

A flash of worry shot across Vivi's face. "I… 100 million, final offer."

The cyborg slowly crossed his arms over his chest, not even so much as a muscle twitching. "Two. Hundred. _Million."_

Vivi and I exchanged panicked glances, and for good reason. What the heck were we supposed to do!? Franky wasn't budging, but we both _knew_ that if we came out of this with less than two-thirds of Nami's money, our lives would be utterly _forfeit._ Unless we came up with something fast—!

"Ahem."

We snapped our attention over to Boss. The dugong was sporting a supremely serious expression.

"If you don't mind," he announced gruffly. "I'll do the job you brought me here to do."

And without further ado, he ripped the cuff attaching him to our gold clean off his arm, removed his flak jacket, folded it onto the sofa, and hopped onto the coffee table.

"Whad da heck…?" Carue muttered, scratching his head in confusion.

Franky, for his part, didn't even flinch. He just kept staring dead ahead with stony impassivity. The expression was mirrored muscle for muscle by Boss. Then, slowly, Boss began bending over, stretching his flippers down and out and stretching out his shoul…ders…

"…Is he…" I started slowly, completely and utterly incapable of of believing what I was seeing. "Is he… _flexing?"_

"… **Yes,"** Soundbite nodded in awe. " _Yes, he_ IS."

And indeed he was. Boss was flexing his body in one of the most iconic bodybuilding poses known to man, his muscles bulging to the absolute maximum that his relatively diminutive musculature allowed. Franky merely raised an eyebrow at the display while the rest of us looked at Boss in confusion and awe… though mostly confusion.

Vivi leaned over and whispered, "Uh… Cross, any idea what this is in aid of?" into my ear.

"Not a clue, but we _did_ bring him here because he can relate to Franky. Let's just trust him and see where it goes for now," I whispered back. "I mean, he _is_ our crewmate, so—!"

 _CRACK!_

"—eh?" I started as a sound much like cracking glass sounded out. "What the heck—?"

 _CRA-CRA-CRACK!_

Su gasped in shock as a rapid staccato of cracks sounded out before shakily pointing her paw out. "L-Look! His shell!"

We all looked at where the fox was pointing, and then my eyes shot wide as I saw that Boss's turtle shell had a whole spider web of cracks running through it.

"Boss, be careful!" Conis warned desperately. "Your shell, it's starting to—!"

 _SMASH!_

Conis's voice—and everyone else's in the Franky House, for that matter—died in her throat as the dugong's shell _shattered,_ fragments of it flying in every which way you can imagine.

But that wasn't what _really_ shocked us.

What shocked us all into silence… was what was _underneath_ his shell.

Muscle. Pure, hulking _slabs_ of muscle. Somehow, against all forms of logic, beneath Boss's shell he was completely and utterly _ripped._ I had seen Zoro's muscles more times than I care to admit thanks to our far-too-numerous training sessions, and by _God,_ that man had absolutely nothing on the beast before me. It was like staring at a few-feet tall Olympic-grade _weightlifter_ prepped for a bodybuilding competition.

For the longest time, nobody dared to move as Boss posed. Finally, however, all while maintaining his stony expression, Franky stood to his feet, looming over us again, and then… drew his forearms together as he mirrored Boss's pose?!

Vivi's jaw promptly dropped. "You have _got_ to be _shitting me."_

 _RRRRRIP!_

"…Appawently not," Carue said through his gaping beak as Franky's Hawaiian shirt practically _exploded_ off of his taut physique.

They were… _posing_ at one another. There was no other word for it. They were just flat-out flexing and _posing_ at one another, their muscles rippling and their expressions utterly determined as they squared off against one another. Muscle against muscle, buff against buff. A battle of two forces of raw flesh and will clashing against one another.

This confrontation was… it-it was… it was… I honestly don't know _what_ the hell it was. A melee of mental fortitude, maybe? A brawl of brawn? All I know was that as I stared at the display before me, this exhibition of pure manliness, I was… _moved_.

Honestly, I think I felt something new within myself. A shift or a change or… or…

…wait a second…

I pulled my collar out and looked down at my chest in disbelief. "Holy shit, my chest hair is growing."

Conis and Vivi both stared at me for a moment before turning their attention back to the bodybuilders. They maintained their stances for a few seconds more. Then, all at once, they _moved—_

 _SLAM!_

—and the next thing I knew, after a thunderclap of flesh-on-flesh… they were clasping hands, staring in each other's eyes with what could only be described as mutual adoration.

"฿100 million it is. Pleasure doing business with you," Franky announced.

"Indeed, brother, indeed," Boss nodded in solemn agreement.

 _SLAM!_

Far from being relieved or happy, Vivi moaned miserably as she ground her forehead into the coffee table. "I spent over half my life learning the fine, fine, _fine_ art of diplomacy…" she lamented. "And he succeeds where I was utterly failing with mere _flexing_ …" She turned her head on its side, displaying twin streams of tears trailing down her face and an utterly shattered smile. "This officially tears it. Even with everything I know, even despite being _born_ in it, I'm never going to stop being surprised at what the Grand Line throws at me."

"There, there…" Conis breathed soothingly as she leaned over the couch to rub the traumatized Princess's back. "Better this outcome than having to go back and tell Nami that we gave him 40%."

Vivi's only response was a pained whimper.

It took me a second to get my jaw moving again. "…Well, this is still something to remember, eh, Soundbite?"

Silence.

"Uh, Soundbite?" I looked at Soundbite curiously, only to find that the snail was gnawing on his lower lip in what appeared to be a desperate attempt to stay silent. I opened my mouth to ask again, but then, all at once, he snapped his mouth open and bellowed out in an announcer's voice.

" **BOSS USED SHELL SMASH!** _ **IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!"**_

" _SUPER!"_ Franky bellowed as he slammed his forearms above his head before blinking in confusion. "Eh? Wait, what just happened?"

I blinked as I processed what he'd just said and then I leveled a flat look at the snail as he panted with a relieved smile. "That was just _killing_ you, wasn't it?" I deadpanned.

" _You have_ NO IDEA!" Soundbite groaned.

"Speaking of…" Su cocked an eyebrow as she looked Boss over. "Didn't that… I dunno, _hurt?"_

Boss glanced up at her before blinking as he realized that he was naked, covering up the embarrassment with a deep cough. "Ah… no, no it did not. Apropos of nothing, could someone please hand me my jacket? It's… It's chilly in here."

We all stared blankly at him for a moment before hanging our heads with simultaneous groans.

"Pride: the ultimate steroid," Su muttered knowingly.

"Agreed…" the rest of us chorused.

 **-o-**

"…and after that, Franky went off to get things arranged on his end before he could take off to buy the materials, and you had no trouble on your way back to the Merry?" Nami asked, concluding the summary of what happened to us after our two groups had parted ways.

"Yeah, that pretty much covers it," I confirmed, before glancing in Boss' direction. "So, Boss, tell me, what are you going to do about your—Boss?"

The Dugong's jacket was lying on the deck, but the Dugong himself was nowhere to be seen. I made to glance at Soundbite—

 _SPLASH!_ "Sorry, did you call me?"

Before noting that Boss had just jumped out of the water, back onto the deck… and with a new shell on his back that was utterly indistinguishable from the old one.

"You—but—I… no, you know what? You know what?" Vivi threw her hands up and marched towards the women's quarters. "I don't want to know, I really, just _do not_ want to know. I am done. _Done!"_ she declared, entering her room and slamming the door behind her.

Nami stared after her for a second before sighing and looking towards the quartet of ship's guards staring in starry-eyed awe at their teacher. "Raphey, can you _please_ go and try to calm Vivi down? Hopefully your… _expertise_ in Grand Line madness will be of use."

The pink-clad Dugong promptly snapped a salute at our navigator before pumping her tail and belly-sliding towards the women's quarters. And with that, Nami stood up with a clap of her hands. "Now, Cross, Zoro? Staff meeting. Boss, you and your boys know what to do."

"Aye, Nami," the four Dugongs saluted as we headed towards the storage area. There was silence for almost a minute before Nami spun around and grabbed my shoulders.

"Cross," she stated with dead-serious conviction as she stared me straight in the eyes. "Are you _absolutely_ certain that Kalifa, Kaku, and Lucci are with CP9?"

I blinked at her, but promptly steeled my will as I replied with equal firmness. "Some time soon, most likely tonight seeing as they'd want to use Aqua Laguna to cover their tracks, those three plus Blueno will tear through Galley-La like an unholy _storm,_ striking down their comrades and coworkers without so much as a hint of remorse before attempting to assassinate Iceburg _in cold blood._ Of this, I have no doubt."

The second I finished, Nami's pupils dilated in horror and the blood utterly drained from her face. She slowly stumbled back from me, a shaky hand raising to cover her mouth. "Oh… Oh, _God…"_

Zoro started towards her with an expression that could be vaguely interpreted as concern. "What did they do, Nami?"

"N… N… N-Nothing," Nami whispered, desperately shaking her head in denial. "T-That's the whole problem! I have _years_ of experience in long cons, for the majority of my life I have been anyone _but_ me, I have been _them…_ and I was scanning them for any cracks whatsoever! I-I was subtle, don't worry, they never noticed, I made _sure_ of that!" she reassured me when she noticed that I looked ready to puke. "But… But that doesn't change the fact that they put on _such_ a good show that I… that they made me actually _doubt_ Cross!"

I sighed grimly. "I… I'll be blunt: you were firmly out of your league, Nami. You have a few years of experience, however harrowing, but they've been doing this for their entire lives, _literally_. There's a Government island somewhere not far from here that's exclusively devoted to training orphans and offspring of previous CP9 agents into the next generation of the World Government's personal killers. They've never known anything but sabotage, corruption, intelligence, and assassination. Make no mistake, CP9 is so renowned because they are _damn good at what they do._ "

Nami stared at me for a second before leaning against one of the crates with a tortured groan. "And we have to deal with _four_ people like that?" she asked.

I shook my head with a grimace. "If worst comes to worst and we still have to storm Enies Lobby, there will be _seven_. But I wouldn't worry about it too much if I were you; out of those seven, three are in league with the Monster Trio, and the rest are _way_ weaker. Superhuman and with a few unique and deadly tricks, sure, but ultimately, with our current roster and power-level, not to mention the fact that I _know_ their playbook inside and out, we'll still be able to win."

"Who's the third one, Cross?" Zoro asked. "Lucci's obviously one of them, and Kaku has to be another if he's a match for me."

I shrugged indifferently. "Hopefully it won't become relevant, but the third one, barely weaker than Kaku, is Jabra, a wolf Zoan and CP9's specialist in the Iron Body technique. Sanji only beat him thanks to his Diable Jambe, just like you needed Asura to beat Kaku. He's a sadistic and deceitful son of a bitch, but so long as we're ready, we should be fine."

"And what about their chief, Cross?" Nami asked tentatively. "The one you said got the authority to use a Buster Call? Whoever the World Government put in charge of people that powerful must be a monster too."

I snarled as that particular trainwreck of a human being flashed through my mind. "Only morally, Nami. Physically?" I slammed my fist into my palm and ground it in, _hard._ "Suffice to say that if I get my hands on Spandam, I'm going to turn him into a _literal fucking pretzel_ and he'll be able to do jack all about it. The only defense he has for himself is Funkfreed, a sword that ate the Elephant-Elephant Fruit. Apart from that, that… _entity_ is weaker than your average Marine. But morally?" I ground my teeth as image after image after _goddamn fucking image_ of the Bridge and everything before it flooded my mind. "Let me put it this way: I didn't kill the Unluckies because I didn't think they were worth it, because I feared I'd regret it. Him?" I let a vicious smile crawl across my face. "I could hand him over to Chopper as a guinea pig, and that would be _kind_ compared to what I'd do to him if given half a chance."

Zoro and Nami both stared at me in something very close to horror.

" _ **Cross—"**_ Soundbite started fearfully.

I cut him off with a raised hand. "He. Abused. Robin," I enunciated firmly, causing every other person in the room to freeze. "In every conceivable way except for the sexual one, from the moment she arrived at Enies Lobby to the moment we rescued her. Mental, physical and emotional torture on a level I didn't even think was _possible._ Make _no_ mistake: Spandam is the _epitome_ of everything wrong with humanity, in that he is a weak-bodied, weak-willed and weak-minded _evil_ bastard with _far_ too much power and pride. If we invade Enies Lobby, I'm going to make _sure_ that he ends up either dead… or _worse."_ I looked around the room, staring everyone straight in the eyes. "Any objections?"

" _NO,"_ all three of them intoned without hesitation.

"Good," I nodded gratefully. "Now, then, moving on… how did the meeting with Iceburg go?"

Nami took a second to breathe deeply and calm herself down before schooling a neutral expression on her face. "You mean apart from him being as irresponsible as you implied?" she deadpanned before shrugging casually. "Perfectly fine. He listened to our request and accepted a ฿100 million down payment after we gave him Granny Kokoro's letter. He said that he'll either send one of his foremen here or be along himself in a while." She paused and frowned. "We _don't_ have to worry about the other foremen, right?"

"Eh…" I waved my hand in a 'so-so' manner. "If CP9 manages to frame us for hurting Iceburg or Galley-La in general? Quite possibly, strong sense of camaraderie there. But otherwise, the most dangerous thing about them is their quirks, and of those, the worst is Paulie trying to cut and run with a brick of gold. Basically, they're like us: we don't tick them off and we're all good."

"So," Zoro grunted. "Now we wait?"

"Pretty much, yeah," I shrugged, then reached for my side and withdrew the transceiver. "Well, I guess I may as well start up another SBS—"

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_ Soundbite said suddenly.

"Or take a call, that works too," I continued smoothly, pressing the caller ID button. "MI4," I confirmed to Nami and Zoro, who turned back towards me. I made to pick up the receiver, then paused as a wicked grin played over my face. "Oh, Soundbite? Make my voice sound like Apoo."

"OH, _**CROSS, you son of a—**_ _Puru puru puru puru!"_ the snail chortled.

"And proud of it," I snickered, and then picked up the receiver before cackling. "Apapapapapa! Hello, you've reached Scratchman Apoo! Sorry, but Mister Cross has been _disconnected!"_

Nami facepalmed with a groan while Zoro smirked in sadistic amusement.

I swiftly chopped my hand across my throat and burst out cackling as Soundbite's expression contorted in panic and horror. "Oh-hoh, _MAN,_ you should have seen your faces! I-I'm sorry, but that was just straight up _hi-hi-_ larious! PFFHAHAHAHAAA!"

As my laughter trailed off, I noticed Soundbite glaring at me with a look of intense concentration. "Uh…"

" _Oh, don't mind me, Cross,"_ Tashigi's voice said, sounding about two seconds from snapping. " _I'm just trying to_ kill you _with the POWER OF MY FUCKING_ MIND!"

" _If that were possible, Tashigi, he never would have escaped from Loguetown,"_ Smoker cut in.

" _Or Alabasta,"_ Hina added.

" _Or Skypiea,"_ T-Bone wheezed.

" _Or Navarone,"_ finished another voice.

"Alright, alright, I get the point alre—huh?" I blinked, and then grinned as I processed who had just spoken. "Jonathan, you devious chess-bastard, I knew you'd come around! Good thing too, now Vivi owes me a hefty chunk of change."

Nami tsked and tossed a wad of beris at me. "Here, I bet her the opposite."

"That makes this doubly sweet!" I crowed as I counted out the cash.

"CHA-CHING!" Soundbite whooped ecstatically.

 _ZOT!_

I flinched slightly as light and ozone flashed inches before my eyes, but I swiftly recovered and stuck my tongue out at Nami. "Nice try, but no dice!"

"Damn Chopper and his damn freaky good therapy…" she scowled as she spun her staff-third back into place.

" _Hmph. Good to see that you're as composed as ever, Mister Cross,"_ Jonathan chuckled. " _And I'll admit, I did have some apprehensions at first given the risk involved in the undertaking. But time and the SBS wore them away, and after talking to Commodore Smoker, I was quite satisfied to join what's now MI5 and claim the codename of Sagittarius. My four officers and Jessica have signed on as well, and they're in the process of informing the remainder of the base."_

"Great to hear!" I wrung my hands eagerly. "Now, then! Before we get to business, I believe some of you owe me an apology?" I pointedly ignored Nami facepalming and muttering something about 'idiots' and 'pushing your luck'.

" _I don't apologize to many people for many things, Cross. I'll be damned if I add you to the list of people I_ do _apologize to for not considering that someone could or would trick Akainu like Jonathan did,"_ Smoker grunted.

" _And on that note, Hina wonders how you found out Jonathan's secret when he managed to fool everyone else in the Corps,"_ Hina cut in dryly.

"Well—!" I began.

" _I'd like to know that as well, Mister Cross,"_ Jonathan interrupted, his voice and demeanor shoved _deep_ in his 'serious as a prowling Sea King' mode. " _Aside from my laid-back demeanor since I took over G-8, I've never given any indication that I've failed to learn the spirit of Akainu's lessons. True, I wasn't as guarded with my emotions as I should have been in our encounter, but for you to have been as comfortable as you were makes it clear that you knew more than you possibly could have. And while you may have a reputation for being impossibly well informed, this borders on being_ genuinely _impossible, if not utterly._ _So, considering the fact that anyone beyond the present company and my soldiers learning it would be potentially fatal, I insist on you answering me:_ how did you find out?" Jonathan asked, a stern frown on his face.

"Ah…" I hedged uncomfortably as I shot a desperate glance at my equally shocked allies before flinching as I realized that that look had just been broadcasted.

" _And don't give us any more nonsense like you were spouting on Skypiea, this time we're not leaving without an answer,"_ Tashigi intoned firmly.

I winced as I tugged at my suddenly too-tight collar. Goddamn it, and I'd thought that bringing in the hyperintelligent chessmaster would be a good idea _why!?_

"Cross."

I snapped my attention over to Zoro, who was staring at me with an uncharacteristically analytical gaze.

"Tell them," he ordered in a firm tone.

" _What!?"_ Nami and I hissed simultaneously, though Nami was the one who followed up. "Are you out of your moss-ridden—!?"

"They deserve to know," the swordsman interrupted, his gaze frosty. "They might not fly under our flag, but they are our allies, and I seriously doubt they'll tell anyone. And even if they did, it's that chess-guy all over again: they spill our secret, we spill theirs."

" _Glad to see you're as insensitive as ever, Roronoa,"_ Tashigi deadpanned.

"Glad to see that you're as grateful as ever, four-eyes," Zoro shot back.

" _Glad to see that you're still a barbarian."_

"Glad to see you're still a _novice."_

" _BASTARD, I CUT PEOPLE!"_

" **For the love of GOD, FUCK OR KILL EACH OTHER** _ **but don't use me**_ _to pussyfoot around!"_

" _SHUT IT, SNAIL!"_ the sword-masters roared simultaneously.

" _Enough,"_ T-Bone wheezed, his shaky voice as firm as iron. " _Cross, we're waiting."_

I grimaced as I processed the fact that I… _really_ didn't have a choice here, did I? Dang it, I wasn't expecting to have to give the explanation again before I told the rest of the—

The rest of them… now, there was an idea.

I took a second to get my composure about myself before adopting a determined look. "Let me make this clear: the explanation is of a magnitude that you can't begin to imagine, to the point that I haven't even told our most recent crewmates yet. I do _not_ want to say it more times then I absolutely have to, because it's a damn long story and there's gonna be a _lot_ of disbelief. So, here's the deal: there's only one more decent Marine of significant standing that I'm relatively sure you can convince to join you right now. When you've recruited Vice Admiral Tsuru, I'll tell all six of you my secret. Fair enough?"

Soundbite adopted a doubtful grimace. " _Tsuru…"_ Smoker grumbled to himself. " _You don't ask for anything easy, do you, Cross?"_

I blinked. "Wait, what? You didn't object when I recommended her the night before you met with T-Bone."

" _I imagine that admitting one such as a Vice Admiral to a list of potential allies is vastly different from_ actually _trying to recruit her, Mister Cross,"_ T-Bone wheezed.

" _Nail on the head there, sir,"_ Tashigi moaned.

" _Hina is uncertain about this…"_ Hina grumbled. " _Vice Admiral Tsuru is as wise and righteous as they come, of that there is no doubt, but she is also one of Sengoku's closest confidants, and while the Admiral of the Fleets is not himself corrupt, neither does he oppose the World Government. It would take a cataclysm of untold depths to fracture their bond in even the most minute of ways."_

"I see, I see," I nodded casually. "Then in that case, I just have one question: T-Bone, would you happen to currently be on assignment to… mmm, given the timing, I'm gonna say… Enies 'Kangaroo Court' Lobby?"

Dead silence rung out for a few seconds before T-Bone groaned. " _I won't even question it."_

I chuckled. "Ohohoh, you guys would be _nowhere_ without me, absolutely _nowhere._ "

" _Clearly,"_ the skeletal captain scoffed. " _I don't suppose you'd happen to know what my assignment is to be, would you? They merely ordered myself and a number of my men to present ourselves and await further orders. The mood here is… tense. I've never seen the Lobby garrisoned so thoroughly."_

I smiled grimly. "Security detail. You're going to be safeguarding the return of a Cipher Pol 9 hit-squad who'll be bringing with them the blueprints of the Ancient Weapon Pluton AND!" I cut off Tashigi's horrified gasp and Smoker and Hina's hisses of breath. "And… our _kidnapped_ archaeologist."

Once again, _silence._

"… _Oh, for_ fucks' sake, _Cross."_

" _Right there with you, Tashigi,"_ Jonathan sighed.

I chuckled grimly while Nami shook her head with an exasperated sigh and Zoro smirked. "Don't get me wrong, we're going to fight tooth and nail to do what we can to stop this shit from going down. But if we fail, well…" I injected a tone of pure savagery in my grin. "Then I'm going to do more to the World Government in a span of hours than I have in all of my past broadcasts _combined."_ I widened my grin by a few teeth. "And should we win, well… I can only imagine the kind of holy hell that the confirmation of CP9's existence, the complete destruction of one of the Government's three sacred bases, and an _exclusive interview_ with Nico Robin covering the events on Ohara will raise. Is that cataclysmic enough for you?"

" _Enough that Hina is sorry that she asked,"_ Hina replied weakly. " _Cross, I hope you realize that if all of that does happen, your name is likely to be spoken of in the same breath as the likes of Dragon and the Emperors."_

And just like that, my smile flipped to a scowl. "You don't seem to get it. Even ignoring how much I hate the Government based on everything I've seen, I stand by the same standards as my crew, the same standards as Whitebeard and Shanks: if anyone lays so much as a finger on our crewmate, it's nothing less than a declaration of war. It should have been clear from the very first SBS broadcast: if it's for one of our friends, we welcome infamy with open arms."

I sighed and shook my head as I stepped down from my mental pedestal. "Anyway, enough preaching. Is there anything else you called for?"

"… _Only that I made an attempt to convince 'Black Bart' to join us, and he almost agreed, but he requested proof that we were in contact with you. Mention the words 'Rooster' and 'Integrity' in the same sentence on your next broadcast,"_ Hina replied.

"I'll see if I can work it in somehow," I said.

" _On a lighter note, Mister Cross, pass my thanks on to Miss Robin for the suggestion she offered in regards to Major Shepherd,"_ Jonathan put in, smirking again. " _He was so flustered in front of the court that he all but confessed the charges he was presented for, and they subsequently uncovered a significant history of corruption."_

"How significant?" I asked eagerly.

" _Ooooh, where to begin~!"_ Tashigi sang in an uncharacteristically eager voice. " _Extreme embezzlement, framing several of the investigators who were looking into him, and acting as something of a 'fixer' for other Marines of similar demeanors. He'd make reports about them go away for a price and then transfer them to, shall we say, 'sympathetic bases'. Like, say… Base 16 in the East Blue under one Captain Nezumi, who has also been scheduled for court-martialing?"_

"Now, _that,_ " Nami snapped her head around with a sadistic grin. " _That_ is good news; that money-grubbing rat-bastard is the biggest reason that Arlong never got reported."

" _Oh, really?"_ Jonathan asked in much the same tone. " _In that case, I think I'll put a word in myself, for Bellemere's sake."_

" _Besides that…"_ Tashigi trailed off slightly before perking up. " _Oh, right! And he was a chronic stealer of office supplies."_

The three of us fell silent as we processed that particular tidbit before I gave the Marine a flat look. "Seriously?"

" _Don't diss the Marines' logistics division, Cross,"_ Hina scoffed. " _Next to the Admirals, their accountants are some of the scariest bastards in the whole of the Corps."_

I exchanged disbelieving looks with my crewmates again. "Yeeeaaah, I'll take your word for it."

"BY THE WAY," Soundbite spoke up in a curious tone. " _What's with the good mood, TASHIGI?_ **Steal another sword** _ **RECENTLY?"**_

" _Eeheeheehee~!"_ Tashigi giggled ecstatically. " _Not even your vile words can bring me down, you petulant pest! I'm riding on a power high!"_

Aaaand now I was thoroughly creeped out. "Someone wanna fill me in?" I pleaded.

" _Marine HQ tapped the good officer to lead the investigation into Shepherd for her excellent intellect and analytical skills,"_ T-Bone rasped.

" _Not only did I have the_ immense _honor of pinning that scumbag to the floor, but I hauled in a nice and juicy promotion to go with it!"_ Tashigi squealed, the grin she was sporting almost ear-to-ear. " _Ensign no more, you now speak to Lieutenant J.G.—soon to be Lieutenant_ proper!— _Tashigi! Haha, woo!"_

I took a second to consider this development before adopting a thoughtful look. "So, to be clear here…" I queried innocently. "You're excited about moving up the ranks of a vile and corrupt system that you are _actively_ working to tear apart. Did I get that right?"

Tashigi's smile froze as though I'd injected it with liquid nitrogen before shattering into a positively _blistering_ scowl. " _Can… Can you_ not _ruin my good mood?"_ she bit out, a tic mark clearly pulsating on Soundbite's—and thus her—brow. " _For, just,_ five _seconds? Is… Is that honestly too much to ask for?"_

I made a show of thinking long and hard before answering with the utmost seriousness. "Yes. Yes, it is."

Tashigi's eyelid straight up jerked. " _Goodbye, Cross."_

Nami facepalmed as the connection chopped off out of the blue. "You just can't help yourself, can you?"

I spread my arms in a show of innocence. "I have a naturally aggravating personality. Sue me."

Nami's sigh of exasperation sounded more like howling. Zoro simply rolled his eyes before looking at me. "Anyway… this Franky guy who's gonna be helping us build our ship, what's he like?"

"Hm..." I tapped my chin thoughtfully as I considered how to put it. "Well, first, he's kind of…"

" _SUPER!"_

"Exactly like tha— _the heck!?"_ I demanded, bolting towards the door and wrenching it open. I then gaped with no small amount of surprise to see Franky on the Merry's deck in his typical pose… though I was _not_ surprised by the sight of Boss and the TDWS all posing along with him and Luffy and Usopp laughing and clapping eagerly.

"AWESOME!" Luffy cheered. "So, you're, like, half a robot, and you run on cola?!"

"Yep! I keep it right here, nice and cold!" Franky confirmed, opening his abs to demonstrate a refrigerator filled with three bottles of cola.

Nami's eyelid twitched as she stared at the sight. "Well, there's something I can never un-see."

"Whoa! That must be way useful in the summer! But how the heck did you manage to fit a refrigerator in your own body without any negative effects from the temperature?" Usopp asked incredulously.

"Well, my belly is always cold because of this, but—"

"I have a question!" Luffy snapped his hand up in the air without warning.

"DON'T INTERRUPT MY QUESTION!" Usopp yelled as he slapped the back of our captain's head.

"Yeah? What's up, Strawhat?" Franky asked.

"You're totally metal, right?"

"Weeell…" Franky surreptitiously scratched his speedo-clad ass. "For the most part. Why?"

"Do you—?"

Right, the insane train ends right now. "OY!" I cut in.

"Eh?" Franky said as he glanced in my direction before laughing and waving at me. "Oh, hey, Cross! I was just about to tell your crewmates here how my insides work! Wanna sit in?"

My eye twitched viciously. "Yeah, not a chance in all hell…" I muttered under my breath before raising my voice. "What the heck are you _doing_ here, Franky!? I thought you were supposed to be headed out to St. Poplar with our money!"

"Eh?" the cyborg frowned and crossed his arms as he tilted his head in confusion. "The heck are you talking about? Yeah, I've taken care of business with my family and I'm heading out soon, but I had to come here first!" He flexed his arms in a square.

"Uh…" I hedged as my mental gears failed to grind properly. "And you… had to come here _why,_ exactly?"

Now Franky out-and-out stared at me in a lack of understanding. "Uh, because Granny Kokoro's letter told me to? Duh? She told me to show up… here… ah." Going by how he smirked in wry amusement, my confusion was clearly displayed on my face. "Lemme guess, she didn't tell you anything about that, huh?" the cyborg snickered, running a hand through his pompadour. "Aaah, yeah, that brings me back. That old hag does whatever she wants whenever she wants, and only she ever knows the true breadth and width of her plans. You know, one time—!"

I tuned out Franky's reminiscing in favor of letting my mind fly at a million miles an hour as I put together the new pieces that I'd presented, and once I reached a conclusion, the implications hit me like a _fucking meteorite._ Thinking fast, I spun around, fully intent on calling for Nami, for Zoro, for _anyone I could get my hands on—!_

"Ahoy, there! May we come aboard?"

When a _sickeningly familiar_ voice came up from the shoreline, causing both me and Franky to freeze in place. Almost as one, we both snapped to the ship's railing and looked overboard. What we saw caused us both to jerk, though for Franky it was merely out of surprised confusion, while for me? It was out of nothing less than pure existential _terror._

Because standing _right there,_ plain as day, without a care in the world and with a mouse in his shirt pocket, was none other than the beloved Mayor Iceburg of Water 7 himself, with his trusty chain-smoking and rope-slinging second Paulie trailing right behind him.

Honestly, in retrospect, I should have seen it coming sooner. I mean, she gave us letters for _both_ of them, so logically that meant that the two of them would have to come into contact with one another at some point in the process. But I thought that they would have been kept apart longer! Franky would provide the materials and his designs, Iceburg would provide the experienced manpower and facilities to make the Sunny the best ship born of the island since Tom's passing. At _worst_ the two would meet up once or twice and grind against one another, but that would have been it!

But ultimately, their quarreling was an obstacle that we could surmount. Them meeting each other here was unexpected, and far from the most pleasant thing that could have happened, but it was _far_ from cataclysmic. This situation would have been little more than a minor difficulty at the absolute worst!—if it wasn't for one itty bitty, teeny tiny, utterly _fatal_ detail.

Paulie wasn't the only Galley-La employee Iceburg had brought with him.

Standing _right there,_ right beside him, were a very professional-looking woman with blonde hair and glasses and a kindly grinning man clad in orange with a long, square nose.

Half of CP9's team on Water 7 was here. Half of CP9 was _feet away from me._ _And the object of their_ fucking _mission was standing right next to_ me.

My mind blanked and I was forced to scramble for _some_ way to keep myself from drawing suspicion, considering the fact that I was one jolt away from spewing the worst vocabulary that sailors had to offer out of my mouth.

"Bite me. Bite me as hard as you can," I hissed out of the corner of my mouth, desperation flooding every decibel. "Do it. Do it now, do it now now _now—!"_

 _CHOMP!_

"YEARGH!" I leapt back from the railing and started dancing around the deck in agony on account of the fact that it felt like a fucking _bear trap_ had ripped into my neck. "MAUDIT PUTAIN D'UN ESPÈCE DE SALAUD SALOPARD QUI BRÛLE DANS LE MAUDIT ENFER AVEC UN SEAU DE— _SOMEBODY GET THIS LITTLE SHIT OFF OF ME, GODDAMN IT!"_

Literally _everyone_ was staring at me, more in amusement than anything else.

"I've heard the phrase 'pardon my French,' but this is ridiculous," Vivi deadpanned, poking her head out of her cabin.

" _SOMEBODY HELP ME ALREADY, HE'S OVER MY_ FUCKING CAROTID!"

Nami hastily dashed to my side and started tugging at Soundbite's shell, to no avail. "Soundbite, what the hell are you—?!" she started to snarl.

"Iceburg's here, he's brought Kaku and Kalifa with him, and _Franky has the blueprints inside his fucking body!"_ I hissed desperately.

The blood drained from Nami's face as she glanced over at Franky before looking back at me. "… _shit."_

" _No fuck,"_ I snapped back. " _Tell the others, and emphasize to Zoro—_ GAH!" I cut myself off as Soundbite finally let go, and I winced as I felt that I was actually bleeding from that bite. "Agh… emphasize that they'll pick up on even a hint of killing intent. If they think their cover's broken—"

"We're dead, got it," Nami nodded grimly before adopting an air of exasperation and stalking over to Vivi. I, for my part, reached into my jacket and pulled out a tube of salve and a roll of bandages that I had taken to carrying a few weeks ago; having the bindings on my arms and legs fail with Chopper nowhere close was excruciating, hence the emergency stock. "Well, that's the last time I ask you to do that," I muttered to Soundbite.

"WON'T BE _soon enough!"_ Soundbite spat, hanging his tongue out in disgust. " _YOU NEED A BATH,_ **dude!"**

"What exactly did you do to provoke the snail, Cross?" Franky asked quizzically.

"OH, _I just_ _ **wanted to get ANOTHER INSTANCE**_ **of his** _INCOHERENT_ SWEARING," Soundbite chirped without missing a beat, an innocent grin on his face.

Franky rolled his eyes with a chuckle. "Well, I don't know French, but I can't deny that that was funny. Anyway, back to the matter at hand," he growled, his amusement gone as quick as a breath as he stepped back from the edge of the Merry, watching as Iceburg and company came aboard. I winced in anticipation, and grudgingly moved back to give him some space, an action that Paulie, Kalifa, and Kaku mirrored with some surprise as Franky and Iceburg started literally butting heads the _second_ the mayor noticed the cyborg.

"What the hell are you doing here, Ice-For-Brains?" Franky snarled. "And what's with that rat in your pocket?"

"First of all, Flunky, Tyrannosaurus is a _mouse_ and he is a perfectly sensible choice for a pet, surpassing those two behemoths you took in," Iceburg responded with equal venom, not backing down even an inch in spite of the fact that he had to be _fully_ aware of the fact that he didn't stand a chance against the cyborg in a straight-up fight. "And second, I should be asking _you_ what _you're_ doing here. When have you ever built anything seaworthy that ended in something other than disaster?"

"Uh…" Leo slowly raised a flipper. "Are they… _always_ like this?"

Paulie heaved a sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "Sadly, _yes._ Seriously, half of Water 7 sets their clocks to these damn fights…"

"Half nothing, I take my lunch breaks whenever they clash," Kaku scoffed.

"It's like watching a shipwreck…" Mikey whispered in awe. "You know it's horrific… but you just _can't_ look away."

"HA! This coming from the guy who never built anything seaworthy, _period?_ You may have the best in the world working for you, but what have _you_ ever done for a ship?"

" _I've_ never made anything seaworthy!? Oh, that is absolutely _rich_ coming from you, you two-bit metal-brained—"

" _ENOUGH!"_

Everyone froze when a very loud and, more importantly, very _slurred_ voice roared out, demanding everyone's attention.

My blood froze in my veins as I slowly turned to observe the speaker. "Oh, God, no…" I whispered. "What the hell is _she_ doing here!?"

Apparently Franky and Iceburg were of the same opinion.

"G-Granny Kokoro!?" Franky sputtered incredulously.

"What on earth are you doing here, ma'am?" Iceburg asked in confusion.

"W-What'm I doin' here?" the incognito icefish mermaid scoffed drunkenly as she hopped off of the Merry's railing and staggered forwards. "Z-Zat should be obvioush, conshidering that I _called_ you boysh here! And ash for why you're here…" She took a deep swig from the bottle she was carrying before continuing. "I brought youshe here sho zat we can put thish _shtupid_ feud a' yers on pause long enough fer you ta help theshe nishe people!" She paused as she swayed on her feet before jabbing a thumb over her shoulder towards the ocean. "Alsho, I came here wish Chimney an' Gonbe ta ride out tha Aqua Laguna."

"Hi Big Bro Franky, hi Big Bro Iceburg!" a chipper young voice called out from below the Merry's railing. "Gonbe and I are gonna go and wait for you at the hotel, alright, Granny?"

"Shur thing, Chimney, have fun!" Kokoro waved over her shoulder.

"We will! Bye everyone!"

"Bye guys!" a far more familiar voice shouted up.

I shot an incredulous look at Soundbite. "Sylvester? Seriously?"

" _No clue why,_ **but I got 'cat'** FROM THAT RABBIT _**for some reason,"**_ the Baby Transponder Snail shrugged.

"Now, where wash I…" Kokoro frowned as she scratched her temple with the lip of her bottle. "Ergh, might have hit the booze a bit too hard after hearin' Yokozuna talk…"

Soundbite promptly looked away and started whistling desperately, cold sweat coating his tiny body as I pinned him with a glare.

Unfortunately, Kokoro managed to snap her fingers and bark out a relieved laugh. "Ah, yeah, now I remember! I'm here to get you two dumbasses to shtop acting like idiots and get you two tah play nice again, like the good ol' days!"

Both men and myself immediately froze, the old apprentices exchanging glances before they began uttering frantic denials.

"KNOCK IT OFF!" Kokoro cut them off with a slurred bark. "The Straw Hats are decent folk, and _you've—"_ She jabbed a shaky finger in Iceburg's general direction. "Got some a' yer most trusted workersh with ya'. No one's ain't gonna tell no one _nothin'_ , so you're gonna drop the bullshit and be good for _ten minutesh,_ got it!?"

It was only the fact that I was focusing on the two incognito agents out of the corner of my eye that allowed me to note the brief look they shot at one another behind Paulie's back. It was there for less than a second, but it was enough to tell me that we were _screwed_.

"Ah, please pardon the intrusion, Lady Kokoro!" Well, that and the fact that Kaku took the opportunity to raise his hand and speak up. "But what exactly are you talking about? Are you saying that Franky and Mayor Iceburg have a past? I thought that they hated each other? Well…" He trailed off and tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Not that I can particularly blame the mayor due to Franky's rampages…"

"Among other things," Iceburg agreed.

"Watch it, square-nose," Franky started to warn the carpenter...

"BEHAVE!"

"AGH!"/"OW!"

Before Kokoro moved faster than anyone her age and with her lack of sobriety had any right to and grabbed Franky and Iceburg's ears, yanking them hard as though they were little more than unruly children.

"Now, lishen up!" Kokoro slurred as she held the two most powerful men on the island at her mercy. "These two? Yeah, they've alwaysh hated each other, that'sh a fact, but _once_ upon a time, they were at leasht able to _work_ togesher to make great shings, great shings! An' considerin' what I saw an' felt earlier today, theshe people here!" She jerked her head in our crew's general direction. "Desherve noshing less than the very best poshible! Noshing lesh than what Tom's Workers were capable of, do you hear me?!"

Franky stiffened as he shot a terrified look at Kokoro. "Damn it, Granny, I know you're sloshed right now, but will you _please_ think about what the hell you're—YEOW!" The cyborg was cut off by a particularly vicious yank.

"You shink I _haven't_ shought thish over?" Kokoro said with a drunken glare. "None of us have been the shame shince Tom died, I'll admit, but thish crew'sh different! Thish crew holdsh as much promise as Roger'sh did, if not more! And wish everything that their old ship hash gone through? Jusht take a shecond, the bosh of you, and _lishten to thish ship."_

All fell silent for a few seconds. Then everyone, even CP9, shivered as another wave of emotion rolled over us all, this one an undeniable feeling of gratitude. There was a moment of silence before Kokoro spoke up again.

"There, you shee?" she demanded firmly. "Thish crew's ship lovesh 'em! And they love it! Thish crew ashked for the besht that they could get, comparable to Roger'sh Jackshon, and they _desherve_ it!" Kokoro huffed and panted for a moment before bowing her head morosely. "There'sh only one way that they can get a ship like that. Only one way to get a ship sho… sho _incredible._ " She looked up and pinned her two surrogate sons with a determined look, pure steel cutting straight through the haze of the alcohol. "So, I say… I say that we bring this _damned_ company back to life… one more time, just _one more time_. Just long enough for Tom's two successors, Iceburg and Cutty Flam, to come together and build the Oro Jackson's successor, this little ship's successor… for the sake of Roger's successor."

While Franky and Iceburg looked away from Kokoro in a combination of shame and thought, I myself was reflecting on her speech. In my opinion, it was the most awesome, heartwarming and nightmarish thing I'd ever heard. The awesome and heartwarming bits were pretty obvious, sure, but as for the nightmare…

My heart dropped into my gut as I watched Kaku and Kalifa's empathetic masks slip for just a moment, for just an _instant,_ revealing the naked steel hiding below. And then they were back in place, utterly flawless.

The nightmare came in the form of the fact that CP9 had just located their target beyond a shadow of a doubt _and there was little to nothing I could do about it._ The only way this _wasn't_ going to play out exactly as badly as it did in canon was if we took those two down right then and there, and there was no way that I'd be able to rationalize that to Iceburg or Franky unless I could prove that they were CP9. If we attacked them without proving that, we'd instantly earn the ire of the whole island, and things would go just as badly as they did in the story. If I tried to unmask them and didn't succeed, I'd just paint a bigger target on my back for them to deal with. And honestly, for all that I knew about them, there wasn't anything I could think of that would result in Franky and Iceburg having any reason to believe me—

"Hey, shouldn't Sanji, Chopper, and Robin be back by now?" Luffy asked obliviously. "I'm _hungry!"_

"…Now that you mention it, I didn't give them that much cash, they shouldn't be taking this long," Nami remarked, looking towards the town with a frown. And at that moment, Iceburg and Franky both stiffened and looked back at us.

"…Before I agree… allow me to clarify something: you have _Nico Robin_ as part of your crew?" Iceburg asked with ill-concealed coldness.

I processed that tone for a second, and then I suppressed a massive sigh of relief. That was the opening I needed, it was the _one thing_ that could make those two break cover immediately. But I had to be careful.

"Yeah, she's part of our crew, our archaeologist. Why do you ask?" I posed.

Iceburg stared at me for a few moments before shaking his head. "No, it's nothing—"

"Don't give me that," I cut in. "You obviously have some kind of issue with Robi—oh, wait." I cut myself off with an exaggerated snap of my fingers. "Let me guess: you actually _believe_ what the Government says about her, don't you."

Iceburg blinked, and I raised a hand to my face, sliding it down both in a clear show of exasperation, and as a means of hiding my mouth as I hissed instructions to Soundbite. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Nami and Zoro cock their heads before casually heading into the storeroom and leaving the door open.

"You actually think that she wants to destroy the world?" I forged on once they were gone. "That she sunk six battleships on her own when she was _eight?_ Seriously, Iceburg, you're smarter than that: if I've proven anything with my show, it's that you can't trust everything that the Government says. In fact… you and Franky should know that better than anyone."

Both of them stiffened, and seemed a second from reacting with hostility. I cut in quickly before they could get the chance. "And that's just another one of the many injustices that drove me to start the SBS in the first place."

That gave them pause, and they both relaxed marginally. Franky stared straight at me. "You and your impossible knowledge… what exactly are you trying to say?"

I sighed, and folded my arms, choosing my words _very_ carefully. "I'm trying to say that Robin's only interest—and the only interest of the archaeologists of Ohara, for that matter—was, is and always has been history. Let me paint a picture for you: before she joined us, she read the Poneglyph that bore the location of one of the Ancient Weapons, Pluton, in a tomb that was falling to pieces around her. And the fact that it didn't contain the history she was looking for after what she went through to be able to read it devastated her enough that she consigned herself to die, buried alive among the stone."

I let that sink in for a second before nodding my head at our captain. "Luffy saved her life against her will, and that's why she came onboard with us; since then, she's _become_ one of us. And trust me when I say that bringing up the lies that the Government told about why she has her bounty is something that we won't stand for, me in particular!"

Iceburg and Franky both stared at me, and looked around the rest of the deck. There was nothing but solidarity there. Finally, they looked back at me, and Iceburg spoke quietly.

"How certain are you that she has no interest in reviving the Ancient Weapons?" he asked.

"I bet my life on it," I said, staring him straight in the eyes. For the longest time, he searched me for any sign of deceit. Finally, he sighed and closed his eyes.

"…Franky. If Nico Robin has no interest in reviving Pluton and the only Poneglyph with its information is buried, then there's only one course of action to take now," he said quietly.

Franky nodded with a solemn chuckle. "Yeah, yeah, don't need to tell me twice. Shame, though…" He clicked his stomach-fridge open and started absentmindedly rummaging through it. "I _really_ wanted to use at least _some_ of these designs…"

"Huh?" Kokoro looked between her two old friends in shock. "Are you saying you're gonna do what I think you're gonna do? Are you two really gonna do that to Tom's gift?"

"It's more the curse of the company than anything," Iceburg replied, scratching the back of his head with a wry chuckle.

"Yep, this thing's been nothing but a ball and chain," Franky concurred as he started to draw his arm out of his gut. "To be completely honest? I won't be sad to see this thing bur—!"

Time seemed to freeze as the cyborg drew his hand into the air, a sheaf of papers in his hands, and brought them level with his head.

One second Kalifa and Kaku were standing by a thoroughly confused Paulie, the next they were standing before Franky, hands outstretched as they _desperately_ reached for some of the most dangerous pieces of paper in the world—

 _FWOOSH! "YEOW!"_

And the second after that found everyone—save Franky, who was dancing around and flailing his burning hand in terror—staring at the burning, tar-covered mass that had once _been_ some of the most dangerous pieces of paper in the world.

"To answer your question…"

All eyes turned from the fire to both me and the happily panting dog-gun who I was kneeling by and petting proudly. I stared Kaku and Kalifa dead in the eyes as a sadistic smile spread over my face. "Yes, I _did_ do that on purpose. Spandam won't be happy, will he?"

They tried. They tried _so hard_ to keep their calm, it was both admirable and a little sad.

But ultimately, the carpenter and the secretary's calm masks shattered, revealing rictuses of pure, unholy _rage_ bubbling beneath.

" _You're dead,"_ they intoned in voices utterly devoid of emotion. They then proceeded to become human blurs—

 _CLANG!_

Before coalescing into visible figures a few feet away from me, raised legs struggling against thin air.

I chuckled at their shell-shocked expressions. "And now, you just broke cover. Forget that pathetic excuse for a human being that you call a chief, _Lucci_ is going to be _furious_." I shook my head as I spread my arms in a 'what can you do' manner. "You two picked the wrong person to try staying undercover in front of; _nobody_ withstands my words."

"Now, if only you could find a way to do more with _less,_ you bigmouth," Nami's voice chuckled from the air directly in front of Kalifa. Or rather, from _beneath_ the air, which proceeded to melt away and reveal Nami and Zoro, who were standing before the assassins with their weapons drawn in order to block them. It was a _real_ credit to Nami's rapidly rising status as a badass that she wasn't even shaking as she blocked Kalifa's leg with the shaft of her Perfect Clima-Tact.

"Speak for yourself, witch," Zoro chuckled around Wado Ichimonji's hilt, looking like he was having the time of his life as he held Kaku's leg back with his other two swords. "Considering how every time he opens his mouth we get into a fight, I think I'm starting to actually _like_ hearing Cross talk."

"Before you two get it in your heads to start arguing," Vivi soothed as she stepped up behind the assassins, spinning one Lion Cutter by its chain while holding the other at the ready. "I formally suggest that we agree to disagree. Agreed?"

"Agreed," the mates concurred.

"OK, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!" Paulie suddenly roared, apparently having gotten fed up with being kept in the dark.

"Yeah, Cross, what is going on?" Luffy said, tilting his head with _such_ a degree of innocent confusion that you could just about see the question mark hanging over his head.

"DAMN IT, YOU'VE BEEN HIDING STUFF FROM US AGAIN, HAVEN'T YOU!?" Usopp sobbed from where he was hiding behind the mast.

"Heh, well, I for one don't mind!" Boss chuckled as he drew out his dart and let it swing like a pendulum. "I like to be surprised! It's pleasant, makes me feel all tingly inside! Ain't no other feeling like it! Ain't that right, boys?"

"BOSS, YES, BOSS!" the TDWS barked, falling into ready-positions as means of salute.

"Allow me to summarize!" I announced as I stood up and clapped my hands. "These two, along with two others on this island, are deep-cover infiltrators from the World Government's covert hit-squad, Cipher Pol No. 9. Their mission was to gain the trust of the citizens of Water 7 so as to search out and acquire the blueprints for the Ancient Weapon Pluton, which Lassoo just did us all the favor of _obliterating._ Now, see, I was _planning_ on playing things nice and subtle, derail their plans quietly and without the need for all this fanfare…" I turned my head to throw an acrid glare at Kokoro. "But _somebody_ just had to go and get hammered and then throw my timetable way off, didn't they?"

"Nagagaga!" Kokoro cackled as she scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "Whoops! My bad, sorry! Nagagaga!"

"DON'T JUST STAND THERE AND LAUGH AFTER SHAMELESSLY SCREWING UP ONE OF MY PLANS, YOU DAMN HAGFISH!" I barked indignantly. Eesh, is _this_ how Nami feels whenever she goes all shark-teeth on us? Now I see why she's so irritable all the time.

"Icefish, actually!" Kokoro provided innocently.

"Ergh…" I scowled and ran a hand beneath my cap in an effort to calm myself down. "Alright, anyway, getting back on track…" I grinned malevolently as I slammed my fist into my palm. "How about we all join in on the time-honored pastime of beating World Government employees _senseless?"_

Kaku and Kalifa exchanged glances before the square-nose focused on me. "Clearly, Mister Cross, you've yet to show the world even a fraction of the depth of your knowledge," Kaku enunciated coldly, the smiling carpenter he'd been for the past five years dead and gone. "Regardless, I would recommend that all of you show restraint. Challenging CP9 is a thoroughly foolhardy action—"

"For the love of you-know-who," I rolled my eyes in genuine exasperation. "Have you ever heard the words 'situational awareness'? We. Are. _PIRATES!"_ I swung my arm out over the deck. "We fight the World Government on a matter of _principle,_ and we're already wanted _._ Your status as a 'Government Official' means _less_ than bupkis around here, dipshit."

Kaku stared at me for a few seconds before exhaling. "Well, that's half of my argument gone… but nevertheless, if you know this much, it's a safe assumption that you know how strong we are. Challenging us to a fight is suicidal."

"Give me a break," I snorted. "Now all you're doing right now is sticking out your giant nec— _er…"_ I surreptitiously coughed into my fist. " _Nose,_ and inviting us to try cutting it. Look around you, again!" I spun my finger in the air. "You guys might be bigshot badasses, sure, but us?" I jabbed my thumb at myself. "I know for a fact that we're in the top ten when it comes to this generation of pirates, and that's just our Captain and first-mate, who are _both_ present, I might add."

Luffy made his presence known by starting to tap his pipe in his hand, while Zoro's already savage smile widened.

"Even besides them, however, it's still 15 against 2."

"AHEM!"

I rolled my eyes again. "If you say so, Su. _16_ against 2. And while not all of those 16 can go frontline on a whim—"

"I'm fine up here, thanks!" Usopp called from the crow's nest he'd somehow climbed into and was aiming his slingshot from.

"—the rest of us—" I lowered my hand to Lassoo, who leapt up and transitioned into a form I could swing onto my shoulder. "Very much _can."_

Conis imitated my action by unslinging her Burn Bazooka and holding it in her customary reverse grip. Carue spread his wings and flashed his blades menacingly, and the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad slowly inched their way around the assassins, leaving them no means of escape. Kalifa let out a scoff.

"Numbers mean nothing. Allow us to demonstrate the formidability of the Six—"

 _ZAP!_

Kalifa's eyes shot wide, a gasping scream escaping her lips as Nami nonchalantly disconnected the Clima-Tact's Thunder Rod and jammed it into her stomach, volts all but leaping off of it. The resulting charge left her stumbling back, coughing up smoke.

"Science lesson: be it a cloud or a body, Iron _still_ conducts electricity," Nami explained smoothly.

"Damn you—!" Kaku started to snarl.

 _BASH!_

"GAH!" the assassin yelped, collapsing to his knees on account of a hundred pounds of pure metal slamming into his back with the force of an RPG.

"Strong Right," Franky enunciated coldly as he reeled his arm's chain in.

Caught off-guard, Kaku's defense must have slipped, because the next second he grunted in pain as one of Zoro's swords—Kitetsu the Third, naturally—pierced through his leg with ease.

"Stay down," the swordsman intoned viciously as he stuck Yubashiri in the suddenly still carpenter's face. "Or else I'll make sure that no one mistakes you for our sniper again."

"HEY!"

"It's true and you know it!"

Meanwhile, Kalifa _tried_ to make a run for it—

"Rope Action: Hangman's Knot!"

"GYAH!"

But didn't get far before Paulie joined in, his voice even colder than Franky's, his arm flicking out and binding Kalifa from head to foot and leaving her hanging upside down in a matter of _moments_.

Of course, Kalifa _tried_ to struggle—

"I wouldn't if I were you."

But she swiftly froze when she observed the knife Paulie was holding mere inches from her eye.

"And you'd better not say so much as a _word_ about sexual harassment," the ropemaster continued dryly. "Because I have heard _every_ joke you can imagine and I've been fighting it since day one, so don't even start, _traitor."_

Kalifa narrowed her eyes at her former colleague but didn't say anything further.

I hid a snicker behind my fist as I observed the interaction. "Seriously, Iceburg, how did you _ever_ deal with her? Honestly, I just don't see a lot of difference between the agent and the secretary. Hey, lady, on the remote chance that you _ever_ go undercover again, I think you could benefit from being a little more…" I made a show of thinking long and hard before snapping my fingers in faux-realization. "Oh, I know! Go for bubbly!"

 _That_ got a reaction out of Kalifa in the form of her twisting her head to pin a murderous glare at me. "'Bubbly'," she repeated frigidly. "Excuse me if I think that that particular adjective would not be at all beneficial, _and_ if I refuse to take any advice from you, _brat."_

My smirk faded briefly, and then returned twice as strong. "Soundbite? A nice and localized Gastro-Phony, if you please."

"COMIN' RIGHT UP!" the gastropod cackled.

The next instant, Kalifa's complexion became an unhealthy shade green and she groaned as she clenched her eyes shut, visibly fighting against her own body. It was admittedly quite impressive.

Still, I spared her barely another glance as I turned towards Kaku. "And now for _you."_

The square-nosed carpenter panted desperately as he leaned his head up as much as he could, casting his eyes around in desperate search of escape before finally latching onto Paulie. "P-Paulie, please, listen to me!" he pleaded with such desperation that if I hadn't been listening for it I would have thought his stammer to be genuine. "I-I'm sorry for lying to you, but I _had to!_ The Government, y-you don't just _disobey it_ on a whim! I had to do what they ordered to survive, but I swear, the last five years have been the best of my life! J-Just let me go and things can go back to the way they've always—!"

 _THWACK!_

The assassin's pleading was suddenly cut off by a fist smashing into the middle of his face and bouncing his head off the deck.

"You're fired," Iceburg announced grimly as he rubbed his bleeding knuckles, shooting a dark glare at Kalifa. "And don't even _think_ about using me as a reference."

The only response the assassin could muster was a tortured groan.

I smiled and started to say something—

"I PITY THE FOOLS!"

—when we all jumped on account of a very loud and _very_ black voice belting out of nowhere.

Of course, my confusion promptly turned to exasperation that made me facepalm when I noticed that the voice had come from Iceburg's breast pocket and that Soundbite was laughing his slimy ass off. "Someday, you are going to have to learn that you are not even _half_ as funny as you think you are."

"I'LL _BELIEVE THAT_ _ **when**_ **you-know-who SAYS IT! HAHAHA** _ **HEEHEEHEE**_ _HOOHOOHOO—Puru puru puru puru!—_ _ **eh? Ah, damn,"**_ Soundbite cut himself off with an exasperated roll of his eyes. " _It's like the world—Puru puru puru puru!—FREAKING TIMES IT!"_

"It probably does," I shrugged. "So, who's calling? Them?"

" _ **Nah, looks like**_ — _Puru puru puru puru!—_ **it's Pin—!"** Soundbite paused in horror. "— _ **KIE…"**_

I stiffened as realization hit me as well.

Pinkie.

 _Chopper had Pinkie._

I grit my teeth in equal parts dread and anger as I slowly picked up the receiver. "…Do I… even need… to _ask?"_ I hissed vehemently.

"… _She tied Sanji into a pretzel when I wasn't looking, and then she was just_ gone," Chopper whispered solemnly.

"…I knew it. I knew it. I _fucking_ knew it! ROBIN, YOU IDIOT!" I snarled in frustration, furiously slamming my fist into the mast.

Zoro growled viciously as he yanked his blade out of Kaku's leg and turned to me. "So, what now, Cro—?"

It happened in an _instant_ , if that. One moment Kaku was lying flat on the deck, the next he'd spun into a handstand, wind whistling around him as he lashed out a Tempest Kick.

A Tempest Kick that didn't hit anyone on account of how it was aimed at Kalifa's binds instead.

Kalifa flipped herself over in midair the second she started falling, and the second her foot hit the deck she and Kaku were just… just _gone._

We all stared at the space the two had occupied moments ago in utter shock.

" **Well…** _ **SHIT,"**_ Soundbite summarized.

Thank God for the little shit's mouth, because it was _exactly_ the kick in the nads I needed to get talking again. "EVERYBODY INTO TOWN, NOW!" I belted out furiously.

Everybody jumped in shock at my sudden shout.

"Cross, what—?" Iceburg started to ask.

"These sick fucks specialize in playing _shadow games!"_ I explained. "If they get into town and manage to start talking to anyone before we get you in the public eye, they'll spin a yarn about how we _kidnapped_ you and Paulie and turn Galley-La and the _whole damn island_ on us! The name of their game is covertness and anonymity, so we _need_ to stay in the light! So long as plenty of people can see us, they can't do _shit!"_

Franky grunted in understanding and jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "Makes sense to me. Tell me who those bastards' allies are, and I'll get my boys to spread the word."

"The other two are Rob Lucci and Blueno _and yes I'm damn sure!"_ I cut off the incredulous answer he was seconds away from belting out. "I'm sorry, but it's the truth. And make sure that your boys _do not_ engage any of them in a fight, because they will _not_ hesitate to kill, and both of them have Devil Fruit powers! Any _other_ questions?!"

"Nah, sounds good to me," a thoroughly pissed Paulie snarled out as he hopped onto the Merry's railing. "I'll head to the railway—!"

"No!" I cut him off hastily. "They won't be headed there until tomorrow night!"

Paulie only needed a second to get the message and pale in horror. " _Laguna."_

"Exactly," I confirmed grimly before looking over at the Switch Station's master. "And should they manage to set out with it, there's only one way we'll be able to give chase."

Kokoro cackled eagerly as she took a swig from her bottle. "A high-speed pursuit, eh? Sounds fun! I'll go ahead and get Rocket Man oiled and ready to go! See ya if ya need it, Strawhats!" And with that she leapt overboard and started waddling off.

"Everyone else!" I looked around at the crew. "Find Robin, find those bastards, and so long as they're not Lucci? _Beat them into the fucking ground!_ Now come on!" I slung Lassoo onto my back and strode towards the city.

"Mister Cross."

I paused with one foot on the Merry's railing and glanced over at Iceburg.

"Given the current circumstances," he stated solemnly. "I'll take whatever advice you have to offer at face value. But as soon as this conflict is resolved, I expect a _very good_ explanation for how you know what you do."

I didn't even hesitate to nod in agreement. "The second all's said and done here, one way or another, you'll find out _everything_ there is to know." I gave my as-of-yet uninformed crewmates a significant look. "And that's a _promise."_

Conis, Su and the Dugongs smiled in acknowledgment before re-adopting serious expressions, the five martial artists diving overboard to traverse the canals and everyone else jumping to shore to start heading inland, firm determination on all of their faces.

I took a second to gather my wits before following them, heading into the city with all the stamina that I had built up since I came to this world, and finding that I was barely winded in doing so. The first thing I did was wave down the first free Yagara I saw. "Are you with the Union?" I asked frantically.

"Yeh! Cross, right? Whaddaya—?"

"Spread the word to however many members you have: help my crew, Iceburg, Paulie, Tilestone, Lulu, and the Franky Family. And hinder Rob Lucci, Kaku, Kalifa, and Blueno the bartender. And if a woman with long black hair and a black leather outfit shows up, take her straight to us. Hurry and spread the word, please."

The Yagara stared for only a second before nodding and speeding off. I put a hand to my forehead in an effort to calm myself; that would cover a lot more ground, I was sure, but would it be enough?

So considering, I started running again, scanning the crowd frantically for any sign of Robin, certain that I'd be able to catch at least a glimpse of her if I kept looking. I ran for the next ten minutes until I finally slumped over, catching my breath—

" **LOOK OUT!"**

"Say wha— _MMPH!?"_

And the next thing I knew I was being dragged into an alley.

 **-o-**

"Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it—!"

"Will you shut the hell up, witch?"

" _Will you show some fucking emotion, you damn barbarian!"_ Nami snapped irately as she spun on her heel in order to jab her finger in Zoro's chest. "Listen you bastard, I know you have the emotional range of one of your _damn_ swords, but—!"

"HEY!" Nami jerked in shock as Zoro grabbed her finger and snarled point-blank in her face. "Let me make this clear: I keep my emotions under control because the last time I let them get the better of me in a life-or-death situation, I was almost cut in _half._ But we both know that I can do rage _really_ well, so don't think for even a _second_ I'm not pissed off about the fact that they've taken one of our crew, got it!?"

Nami fearfully stared at him for a second before letting her shoulders sag and looking away in shame. "I… I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that, but—!"

"I know," Zoro cut her off, not even missing a beat as he strode past her. "Now come on. Let's go and get that moron back. With any luck, we'll be able to find her first, and I'll be able to break her nose _without_ the Love Cook getting on my back."

The navigator hesitated for a scant second before smirking and striding after him. "Leave some for me once you're done."

"— _the hell are you doing, Robin?!"_

Then both of them stopped cold as Cross' voice suddenly came from Brain, who was positioned on Zoro's shoulder.

" _I apologize for the subterfuge, Cross, but I didn't have a choice. If I'm going to keep my cover in place, I can't be seen in public."_

What was unmistakably Robin's voice came out next, casual as when they last met her.

"Oh, thank God he found her," Nami sighed in relief.

"Sounds more like she found him really," Zoro scoffed before speaking up. "Anyway, Cross, where are you?"

Cross, however, summarily ignored him. " _Your cover? What do you mean 'your cover'!? Aokiji might be a lazy ass, but he wouldn't keep things to himself forever!"_

Robin chuckled wryly. " _It would seem that for once I know more than you. Come with me, I'll explain when we're not out in the open."_

"The hell—?" Nami frowned in confusion before raising her voice. "Cross! _Cross!_ Damn it Cross, where the hell are you!?"

Once again, Nami was ignored and was instead answered by the sound of rattling metal. " _Geeze, Robin, did you have to yank me that hard? You slammed my transceiver into the wall!"_

" _Your_ indestructible _transceiver you mean?"_

"… _well, when you put it like that, I just feel silly."_

" **You are silly!"**

" _Quiet, you!"_

Zoro scowled grimly. "Damn, it must be another feature of that stupid box. We can hear him but he can't hear us."

"Damn it, if it's not one thing it's another with him…" Nami growled as she rubbed the bridge of her nose, before pausing as a thought struck her. "But… wait, if he's found Robin, then why hasn't he called us yet!?"

" _Woah, hey, wait up a sec, Robin!"_ Cross suddenly barked. " _I need to call up the others, let them know you're alright! At the least we can redirect manpower to take out the Cipher Pol that's buried in this town!"_

" _No, don't!"_

" _What?"_ Cross asked.

"What!?" Zoro and Nami chorused.

" _Robin—!"_ Cross started to protest.

" _I'm not asking you not to tell them, Cross,"_ Robin promised swiftly. " _I just need you to give me some time to explain in private. You know more about the delicacy of distribution of information than anyone on the crew, don't you?"_

" _I… well…"_ Cross trailed off hesitantly. " _When you put it like that…"_

Nami's eyes shot wide in alarm. "I'm not the only one who's getting 'she's playing him like a fiddle', am I?"

"Not a chance in hell!" Zoro cursed as he broke into a run down the street, with Nami close behind him.

" _B-But still, Robin!"_ Cross hastily rallied. " _The fact is that I'm just not going anywhere with you unless you can give me at least one_ damn good—!"

" _Might I add that while I was out and about earlier, I found a group of odd thugs in an alleyway that were beaten within an inch of their lives, sporting injuries that I recognized. I don't suppose you made contact with the Unluckies earlier, by any—?"_

" _Let's keep going, alright? Alright!"_ Cross grit out in an obviously strained voice.

"Oh yeah, she's _definitely_ playing him," Nami groaned.

"And he's swallowing it, hook, line and sinker," Zoro growled venomously.

Nami shot a dark glare at him. "Which is understandable when he really wants to trust her!"

Zoro matched her glare without hesitation. "After he's advocated being wary for so long!?"

Nami… didn't have a good answer to that.

A few seconds or so later, Robin's voice came up again, accompanied by the tell-tale sounds of a bar. " _In here, and try and keep your head down. Anonymity is key right now."_

" _Yeah, yeah, I got it,"_ Cross waved her off dismissively. A second later there was the bending of leather as Cross and Robin sat in a booth. " _Alright, we're here and we're seated. Now what?"_

" _Well, first…"_ There was the clink of a mug being set down. " _Here, best you have something to drink, you look like you're about to collapse. I'm assuming you like root beer?"_

" _Oh, hey, thanks!"_ Cross smiled thankfully. There was a greedy slurp, and then a firm slam. " _Don't change the subject, Robin. Talk fast, or I call everyone and get them to fall on this place like a_ hammer."

Robin was silent for a moment before chuckling lightly. " _Ah, it's only been a few hours, but I've missed this. I'm glad you're the one I found first, Cross. I take it that you expected CP9 to make contact with me?"_

An uncomfortable silence hung in the air, and Robin's smile became a smirk. " _I'm assuming you thought the worst when I left Sanji and Chopper, and I honestly don't blame you. For the record, I do apologize for what I did to Sanji, but he was sticking a little too close to me."_

" _Eh, don't worry about it,"_ Cross waved her off. " _He's most likely fine by now, and to be honest? So long as he had a clear view of you during the whole thing, he probably_ liked _it."_

"Damn it, cook…" Nami and Zoro ground out.

Robin chuckled lightly. " _Indeed, indeed… anyway, let me clarify: I have not betrayed the crew. In order to explain my actions, well…"_ The archaeologist hummed contemplatively before smiling. " _I can only assume that I've picked up a few too many of your habits, considering that among the first thoughts to come to mind when CP9 made contact was 'counter-infiltration'."_

A pause, and then Cross' jaw dropped. " _You're… You're running a_ long con? _Against CP9!? Robin, you have_ got _to realize just how incredibly risky that is! I know that you're in relatively close to them in terms of training, but—!"_

" _Considering everything you've done with the SBS, I don't think you have any right to criticize me on riskiness, Cross,"_ Robin replied, in equal parts dry amusement and seriousness. " _I am well aware of what CP9 is capable of, and as long as they believe I'm cooperating, the danger should be minimized."_

" _Mmph, well, when you put it like that…"_ Cross muttered, his voice warping slightly in such a way that indicated he was speaking into his mug. " _Considering how the bastards have most likely gone to ground by now, I'll take any advantage that we can get."_

" _Precisely,"_ Robin nodded solemnly. " _So, you'll agree that my going with them was necessary?"_

Cross shrugged slightly. " _So long as you acknowledge the dangers of the task, I suppose that I can agree that this was a smart move. BUT STILL!"_ Nami and Zoro jumped when Cross suddenly yelled… with a slur in his voice? " _There's something you should know. Something very… very important. I know that, that right now this may not seem important, but I am officially declaring this the biggest deal in the world. It's… It's, ah… ergh, my head feels… feels… I feel stuck. Stuck in the bottom of the well with little Nancy. It's cold and dark and… I'm confused… Soundbite, is it normal for a teenage girl like myself to be so disoriented?"_

Nami and Zoro both stopped and stared at the snail in sheer disbelief.

"… _**ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH OR SOMETHING!?"**_ Soundbite demanded, voicing their own unspoken thoughts.

" _Eh…?"_ Cross blinked blearily. " _What? No, not at all, I—! I… I, ah… wait a second…"_ Cross fell silent as the sound of sniffing came over the connection. "… _Ah… Robin? Call me drugged, but I think I may be crazy."_ There was a moment of silence as Brain blinked blearily. "… _No, wait, I got that… that… wait… wait a—!"_ The baby snail's eyes suddenly shot wide as terror surged through them. " _What bar are we in, Robin!?"_

Nami's heart dropped as the snail's expression flipped to one of utter sorrow. " _Please don't fight them, Cross, it was the only scenario where they wouldn't cripple y—"_

" _Enough."_

If Robin's expression had made her heart drop, the muffled voice that cut her off made Nami's blood _freeze._

" _Give me the snail,"_ the voice continued grimly.

" _SON OF A—LASSOO, MAUL,_ MAUL!" Cross barked at the top of his lungs.

"RRRRGH!" Lassoo growled viciously, nothing less than bloody murder in his voice. "RUFF RUFF RU—!"

 _THWACK!_

"— _KAI!"_

" _Mangy mutt,"_ the voice grunted. " _Now stop resisting and give me the snail or else—!"_

There was the sudden thwack of metal meeting flesh.

"… _Damn it all, Cross,"_ Robin sighed miserably.

Cross smirked dispassionately. " _Did you_ really _expect_ anything _less from—?"_

 _CRUNCH!_

"CROSS!" Nami screamed desperately when Brain spat up blood over the sound of bone snapping.

" _Grrggrgghhh…"_ Cross gurgled miserably.

" **YOU** FUCKING _**FUCK!"**_ Soundbite roared. " _ **Fucking try to**_ pick me up, **I'll turn your hand into—!"**

" _I don't doubt you would, Soundbite."_

" _ **HEY,**_ WHAT ARE YOU—!?" Soundbite squawked over the tell-tale squirch of someone picking him up against his will.

" _But would you do it to me?"_

And just like that, Soundbite fell silent, his jaw flapping uselessly. Then came a sound like glass clinking, followed by a startled yelp.

Soundbite's was clearly horrified, then he swiftly adopted a pleading expression. " _Robin, please,"_ he begged—no, _Cross's voice—_ begged desperately. " _This isn't right, you_ know _this isn't right. You know that none of the crew wants this—GRGH!"_ And just like that, 'Cross' was cut off in a strangled yelp.

" _This isn't about what the crew wants, Soundbite,"_ Robin replied quietly. " _This is about what_ I _want. And what I want is for the only friends I have in the world to be safe. And if this is the only way to be sure that the Government will stop targeting you… then so be it. And I advise against breaking that vial, considering that it's filled with salt."_

There was a pained gurgle of blood and coughing, and Cross spoke with obvious effort. " _You…_ idiot. _This won't… accomplish anything… Y-You can't stop us… from following you…"_ he whispered.

" _I suggest that you restrain yourself, Jeremiah Cross."_

Another new voice, and this one was… flat-out _evil_. " _Our arrangement with Nico Robin is that provided she follows our every command, the Government will refrain from targeting the remainder of the Straw Hat Pirates. However, something as foolhardy as attempting to rescue her would be a dealbreaker."_

There was a moment of silence. Then...

" _Rob Lucci…"_ Cross bit out through a bloody smile. " _Mind... leaning closer? I've got an idea... for a new way to skin a—!"_

 _THWACK!_

" _Guh… damn... pussy… cat…"_ Cross slurred before his eyes rolled upwards and he _thankfully_ fell unconscious.

The first voice cocked an eyebrow. " _Brutal."_

Brain then proceeded to grimace. " _I believe that this is the definition of harming someone for their own good,"_ Robin whispered sadly. " _He really_ never _knows when to keep his mouth shut."_

" _Clearly,"_ Lucci's voice snarled. " _Now, I believe you were going to hand over the snail? And the bazooka as well, their abilities will be better suited for the—"_

" _Our agreement was to leave the remainder of the crew alone,"_ Robin interrupted sharply.

" _Do you seriously expect us to consider a couple of animals on equal ground with humans?"_ said the first voice.

The surrounding temperature suddenly dropped by a matter of degrees. " _Let me remind you of something, Cipher Pol Number Nine,"_ Robin stated frigidly. " _The only reason I'm coming quietly is that you've promised that if I do, you'll leave my crew alone. This applies to all eighteen of them, human and otherwise. I assure you that if you attempt to compromise on that at all, I will render it_ impossible _for you to take me alive. One way…_ or the other."

Nami and Zoro swiftly grasped the implications, and whatever doubts they'd been harboring in the deepest, darkest corners of their minds about Robin's loyalty died fiery deaths. Then the archaeologist sighed.

" _All we need to do is take the transceiver. Without the SBS, the Straw Hats are no more dangerous than a typical Grand Line pirate, Cross even less so."_

"… _So be it,"_ Lucci stated, and there was a clear sound of rustling leather and metal. " _For the time being, however, we'll need to deposit them somewhere that the rest of the crew won't think to lo—KA-LICK!"_

For a few minutes, all Zoro and Nami could do was stare at their Baby Transponder Snail in horrified silence.

Finally, Nami forced her jaw to work. "I'll take Brain and tell everyone else, you keep hunting?" she whispered numbly.

"Yup!" Zoro grunted as he tossed the baby snail into her hands and broke into a run down the street.

"Shit shit _shiiit…"_ Nami hissed frantically as she punched in Pinkie's number. "We need to find them soon, or else, or else…" She lapsed into silence as she bit her lip.

 **-o-**

The first thing I processed as I woke up was that I was sporting a _splitting_ headache. The second thing was a lack of comfort. Grimacing, I leaned up with a tortured groan and blinked around blearily. My vision blurred and wavered slightly as I tried to concentrate—

SPLASH!

" _GAH!"_

—but that all went away when I was snapped awake by almost a gallon of water smashing me in the face.

"Ackphbt!" I hacked and shook my head in an effort to clear my vision.

For whatever reason, I was standing in the mouth of a trash-filled alleyway, covered in a goodly amount of garbage myself. However, that garbage didn't last that long…

Because it was raining absolute buckets and the canal in front of me was _violently_ overflowing _._

I turned my gaze up at the cloud-filled sky, unable to suppress a whimper of terror. " _Laguna."_ I'd missed a full _twenty-four hours!?_ What the hell happened to me!?

" _MMPH!"_

I snapped my attention to the ground, and was greeted with the sight of a gagged Soundbite making his sluggish—er, snailish—way towards me… and sporting a large steel case bound shut with a manual latch.

I snatched up Soundbite and worked the obstruction out of his mouth. The instant his airway was clear, he burst out, "LASSOO'S _in the_ _ **case,**_ **he doesn't have enough SPACE TO** _ **TRANSFORM!**_ "

"Right, got it, gimme a second," I nodded wearily as I staggered towards the box and undid the latch, allowing the dog-gun to headbutt his way out with a greedy gasp.

"I… fucking… _hate boxes…"_ Lassoo gasped thankfully.

"Glad to see you're both alright, and I'm sorry to rush you, but can either of you _please_ tell me what just happened?!" I demanded.

"YOU FIRST!" Soundbite shot back.

"I'm with the snail," Lassoo nodded in agreement. "Your head took more of a beating like than the rest of us combined, are you sure you're alright?"

I groaned in aggravation. "No, guys, I'm fine. I've got a headache, but I'm more annoyed than anything, just tell me what-eh?" I paused as I rubbed my head, and in the process dislodged an unfamiliar weight from the top of it that I hadn't noticed before. I blinked before bending over and picking it up. Then a firestorm of emotions hit me as I processed exactly what it was.

A hat. A black, leathery cowboy hat.

I huffed and panted as my brain finally connected the dots of the last few memories I had… at which point my lips split in a vicious snarl. "Alright… correction. I'm more than just alright… I'm _pissed."_

 **Cross-Brain AN: Yes, we realize that this chapter is late. Apparently, we've set our standards too high after all. So, henceforth, we're doubling our time. We will still** _ **strive**_ **to update weekly, of course, but from now on, our deadline will be** _ **bi**_ **weekly updates. It's either that or we keep falling behind, and I think it's clear which is worse between the two.**

 **Xomniac AN: Sorry everyone, we might write like gods, but we're only human.**


	41. Chapter 38 - Water 7 Pt 3

**Chapter 38**

"Alright, alright, that's good… and do you hear any ringing?"

"No, Chopper, I don't," I sighed in the tone of the long-suffering. "Now, can you please let me catch up on the current situation so that we can get to _saving Robin?"_ I held up my fist with an irritated glare. "Unless you want to check _yourself_ for a concussion instead?"

"Ack!" Chopper flinched back and grinned nervously. "Ahaha… well, you seem to be mostly in good condition. I-I'll just go ahead and let you recuperate, alright?"

"Yeah, you go ahead and do that," I grumbled.

"Still, though, at least _try_ and be careful, alright?" Chopper pleaded with me. "Concussions are no laughing matter!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I waved him off with a tired sigh. "But seriously, if the monsters on our crew can take them without worry, I'm sure I'll get off without any lasting damage."

"Mmm… well, when you put it like that…" the diminutive doctor hummed in a clearly dissatisfied manner. "Still, I'll be keeping you under observation just in case."

I blinked in confusion. "Observing me for what?"

Chopper snapped his hoof up and opened his mouth to say something, before snapping it shut and electing to simply walk away.

Shaking the strange exchange off, I instead focused on getting my memories of the past hour or so in order.

Waking up in the backstreets—that is, directly in the path of Aqua Laguna—would have been a disaster considering how close the tsunami was, were it not for the fact that Soundbite's Gastro-Amp immediately alerted the crew and the Galley-La search party they were with to my location. One very outstretched arm had me reunited with the rest of the crew… though Luffy's typical ham-handedness with his stretching caused no small amount of pain, and resulted in me losing consciousness yet again before waking up at the dock where Rocketman was hidden, which was where Chopper was running me through his typical concussion protocol.

Fortunately, now that I had him off my back, I could properly process the current situation. A few faces were missing, but I was a bit too distracted at the moment to properly take stock of who, mentally reviewing the conversation I'd had with Zoro and Nami after waking up.

After the conversation they overheard—apparently something about a favorites list that Pinkie and the Brain had registered themselves in when Soundbite and I weren't looking—the rest of the day was quiet. Lucci had vanished by the time Iceburg returned to Galley-La, and though the remaining foremen and the Franky Family had literally torn Blueno's Bar apart from the foundation up looking for clues, they didn't find anything.

Iceburg had tried to help by attempting to halt the day's Puffing Tom on its way to Water 7 and rob the Cipher Pol of its primary escape route, but that hadn't worked out so well. Specifically, CP9 must have managed to compromise the chain of communication at one point or another, because rather than halting at Blue Station, the Puffing Tom roared right through it at top speed and chugged on to Enies before anyone could stop it, thus securing a means of escape for the agents.

Still, not ones to be deterred, the crew had converged on Iceburg's manor to protect both him and Franky—much to the cyborg's protests—from any possible attempts on their life, while the Galley-La Foremen stood guard at the Blue Station. With the Monster Trio standing guard over Tom's apprentices, it was presumed that the agents wouldn't dare to try anything.

What nobody had accounted for was the possibility that they would straight up attack the _island_ itself.

And by that, I mean that after over 24 hours of complete silence from CP9, the assassin cell demonstrated that they were most _definitely_ employees of the World Government by detonating dozens, if not _hundreds_ of explosions all across the city mere hours before Aqua Laguna was due.

The first ones went off in the powder storage spaces for Galley-La and the the coal storage at Blue Station—in order to snag the most attention, of course—and quickly spread out from there, forcing the crew to thin the defenses around the former apprentices.

I honestly think there's a very real chance that Tom could be deemed Water 7's patron saint sometime in the near future, because it was nothing short of an actual, legitimate _miracle_ that the casualty total from the attack was a scant hundred or so wounded and even less deceased, rather than the canals straight up running red with blood. Thankfully, it appeared that CP9 had been aiming to disrupt the infrastructure and sow pandemonium, rather than maximum body count.

Sadly, however, that was as far as the silver lining extended. In the midst of all the mayhem, Franky had managed to slip past his guards in an attempt to enter the fray himself and help out in whatever manner he could. Which, naturally, turned out to be a major mistake, considering how every account I'd heard said he all but vanished into thin air between explosions.

In all fairness, my crewmates hadn't been idle. They'd _tried_ to hunt down the assassins, tried to prevent them from reaching Blue Station and the Government-piloted Sea Train that steamed into the station under everyone's noses… but in the end, between providing relief efforts and the agents being _ungodly_ skilled at stealth, they just didn't stand a chance. Through sheer speed and surprise, the assassins managed to incapacitate or otherwise hamper anyone who managed to catch up to them before boarding the Puffing Tom and departing for Enies Lobby.

Of course, the fact that not everyone was here made it clear that we still had one chance left to get out of storming the Judicial Island, though it wasn't as though any of us _weren't_ planning on going at this point. The only thing _actually_ keeping us grounded for the time being was that the Cipher Pol bastards had _somehow_ gotten wind of Rocketman and managed to detonate a brick of explosives in the runaway engine's boiler. Hence, we were currently stalled for as long as it would take Iceburg to finish repairing the speed demon's innards.

Under any other circumstances I'd probably have been impatient and antsy as all hell, but…

I winced and rubbed the back of my skull as I experienced what felt like a railroad spike being shoved into my cranium.

…yeah, no, I was going to take whatever delays I could get my hands on so long as it meant more time to get my head on straight. Still, even if I wasn't currently mobile, that certainly didn't mean I couldn't at least _try_ and gather information.

It was with that in mind that I surreptitiously waved Nami over while our doctor wasn't looking. "So, ah, don't tell Chopper, but my head's still actually still a little fuzzy and I'm having a hard time keeping my headcount straight, what with everyone moving around. I'm assuming that some of us, such as Sanji, managed to stow away aboard the Puffing Tom, right? Who's with him?"

"Weeeell…"

 **-o-**

"Ah… ah… AH—MRPH!" Conis froze mid-sneeze, the involuntary reaction halted by a fluffy tail and a finger shoving themselves beneath her nose. She held her stance for a moment before relaxing and allowing herself to pop a thumbs-up, at which point the limbs left and she was able to don a sheepish smile. "Sorry, guys, somebody must be talking about me."

"And why would they not be, sweet Conis?" Sanji crooned softly. "Anyone who knows of you has every reason to want to talk about a most beautiful angel like you."

Su graced the cook with a flat look before spinning her paw in the air, no doubt indicating the rain cascading around them as they stood on the open-air balcony of the Puffing Tom's caboose.

Conis chuckled awkwardly as she nodded in agreement with her pet. "Yes, Su's right, I suppose it could also be on account of all this rain."

Sanji flinched out of his love-hurricane-mode with a sheepish chuckle. "Or that, yes…" However, his sheepish demeanor promptly snapped to dead serious. "It's almost time to get going. Conis, I have to ask you again, are you _certain_ that you want to do this? What you're offering to do is extremely dangerous, and I, your most valiant knight, will not be present to protect you."

Conis blinked in surprise before frowning in firm determination. "And I'll tell you the same thing that I told you when you tried to stop me from following you two back at Blue Station," she retorted. "I might be the newest member of the crew and I might not have as much experience in combat as the rest of you, but I am _still_ a member of this crew, Robin _is_ my crewmate, and I _will_ fight to save her no matter what. So, I _will_ be going into this train and I _will_ be serving as a distraction while you two make your way to Robin."

Conis smiled beatifically. "Of course, you can always take my place and fight those Government agents inside the nice and safe innards of the Puffing Tom. In which case I'll just have to take your place and walk across the slick and bucking back of this metal beast myself."

Sanji glanced up at the storm that was rapidly rushing by up above, as well as the water streaming off the slick metal of the train car, looking like he'd bitten into a lemon. "Ah… well, when you put it like that…"

"I'll be _fine,_ Sanji," Conis stated, pointedly slipping one of her pistols out of its harness and holding it up. "I know that I might not look like it, but the point stands that I _am_ a White Beret, well trained in the art of combat, and I've only gotten stronger since I joined you all." She hesitated for a slight moment before steeling her nerves… and leaning forward to peck Sanji on the cheek. "Go save Robin. I've got this."

For a scant moment, the cook was absolutely frozen. Then…

"I'M COMING, ROBIN-SWA~N!" a category-five Love Hurricane cried out as it shot up and over the roof of the traincar, its voice thankfully drowned out by the much _larger_ storm raging around it.

Conis took a moment to stare after her crewmate in befuddled awe before allowing her calm façade to collapse. The angel started to breathe in a heavy but nonetheless controlled manner as she brought her gun up and rested her forehead against its barrel.

"Alright, alright…" she muttered to herself. "Talk it through, just like you were trained. Current loadout: four single-barrel pistols, two in hip holsters, two in shoulder holsters. One sawed-off shotgun and one blunderbuss pistol modified to act as a grenade launcher, both across the small of my back. Two rifles on my back, side to side and angled from my left shoulder to my right hip. One Burn Bazooka on my back, angled from my right shoulder to my left hip. And as for ammunition, several dozen regular rounds and three dozen of Usopp and Chopper's custom shells. Opposition… an indeterminate number of World Government agents, all no doubt highly trained and all _certainly_ armed to their teeth. Overall analysis of the situation… I am _way_ outgunned. Recommended course of action…" She swallowed heavily and glanced up at the heavens. "Run like hell. Ooooh, this is going to _su—_ Ow!"

The White Beret was yanked out of her nascent panic by a soft huff from her hood, followed by the light nip of fangs on her neck.

Conis stared over her shoulder and met Su's flat gaze for a moment before smiling gratefully. "Sorry," she apologized in a thankful tone. "I was getting too caught up in my emotions, but you're right, enough waffling. And besides…" She looked forward with fresh determination. "I'm a Straw Hat." She pulled her goggles up from around her neck and over her eyes before unslinging another of her single-barrel pistols and holding it at the ready. "We _live_ to do the impossible."

And with that, the gunner squared her shoulders as she stood before the door to the Puffing Tom's caboose, her breathing slowed in anticipation. "Ready?" she asked softly.

"Su," Su huffed in agreement.

"Alright…" Conis grit her teeth. "Breaching in three, two—!"

Without further ado, Conis lifted her leg and snapped it out in a side kick. The lock and hinges of the door put up a brave fight, but nothing could save them from shattering almost instantly. The resultant force turned the door into a high-speed projectile of reinforced wood that cannoned down the middle of the car's aisle and bowled over almost a dozen government agents in the process.

Conis didn't wait even for the door to hit the back of the car before she dove into the caboose after it, rolling across the carpet before popping into a kneeling position with her guns raised.

"Pistol Unus, Duo," she whispered to herself before starting to unload. She managed to hit one, two, _twelve_ different Government agents that hadn't had time to take cover, winging them and effectively guaranteeing that they were taken out of the fight. Her guns now empty, she spun her pistols into her hip-holsters and stood up.

"Good evening, gentlemen," she announced, bowing politely at the waist. "I'm terribly sorry about this, but you're all in my way." She straightened up again, unslinging her blunderbuss even as she sported an angelic smile on her face. "And we just can't have that, can we? _Blunderbuss."_

The few agents that had the courage to peek their heads over their seats only had a second to gape in terror before she pulled the trigger, which in turn fired out a small black sphere. The projectile flew for a short distance before cracking against the far wall of the car—

 _BOOM!_

—and violently detonating in a cloud of pink smoke.

Conis smiled in relief as she re-holstered her hand-cannon on her back, but promptly froze when she heard a loud click sound out immediately to the left of her head.

"Alright, pirate scumbag, put your hands up or else—!"

 _CRACK!_

"—ARGH!"

The agent howled in agony as Conis suddenly _moved,_ grabbing his wrist with one hand and _demolishing_ his elbow with her other fist. Then, without missing a beat, she yanked him into a one-armed necklock and snatched his pistol out of the air. With her makeshift human shield dissuading any other agents from returning fire, she quickly gunned down another six of their number. Once the gun was unloaded, Conis grabbed her impromptu shield's collar and spun on her heel in order to get the appropriate momentum needed to _fling_ him into what few of his comrades had managed to regroup, thus sending them tumbling to the ground _again._

While the agents attempted to regroup themselves, Su scurried around Conis' body like a demented squirrel, drawing ammunition out of Conis' bag and pockets and reloading the weapons that she had fired. She clung easily to Conis' clothes as she moved from shoulders to hips and back again; by the time the agents were starting to get back on their feet, Su was back in place, and Conis had her weapons at the ready again.

Before the agents could properly draw their weapons, the angel drew both of her rifles over her shoulder and held them at ready. "Who would care to be next?" she said, smiling kindly.

Conis expected to receive any number of responses to her question, but _clapping,_ slow and methodical clapping at that, was most certainly _not_ one of them.

And she didn't expect it to come from above her either.

"Well, well, well," a cool and collected voice drawled, _also_ coming from above. "You're certainly an interesting individual, aren't you?"

Conis slowly looked upwards, and promptly felt her heart drop as she caught sight of a man twice as high as the train car who was somehow… _molded_ to the ceiling and back of the car, bent over at the waist.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me…" Conis breathed to herself, a sentiment that Su shared if the vulpine groan coming from her back was anything to go by.

The miniature giant smirked as he adjusted his glasses. "To be honest, I'm quite glad. I thought this mission would be boring with nothing to do, but I imagine that fighting you will be a worthwhile distraction… for however long you last, anyway." His grin widened as he drew his hands from his pockets and started tugging on the hems of the gloves he was wearing. "Allow me to introduce myself. The name's Jerry, of Cipher Pol 6. I like boxing and beating the tar out of criminals. Now, come on…" He drew his fists up and threw out a few practice jabs. "Put your dukes up and let's _dance."_

Conis swallowed heavily as she _slowly_ re-holstered one of her rifles and unslung her Burn Bazooka, cocking it in nervous anticipation.

"I hope that Boss is having an easier time of things…" she whispered to herself.

 **-o-**

[This is most _definitely_ not a Man's Romance,] Boss muttered to himself as the wind, rain, and waves lashed at him. The Dugong was clinging to the edge of the Puffing Tom's cars, slowly inching his way towards the car Robin was in. Between the cold, the slick metal, and the necessity to maneuver around the windows, it was slow, unpleasant going.

[Well, actually…] He glanced upward thoughtfully as he slowly shuffled along. [On second thought, going through an ordeal such as this with the intent of rescuing a comrade, a female one at that, who gave herself up to try and save us? That is truly…] He pumped a flipper in the air. [A Man's Romance!]

He paused for a moment, then hung his head and sighed as he remembered that his students weren't with him.

[Knew I kept those shell-brains around for _something_ …] he muttered under his breath.

"Hey, did you hear something?"

Boss froze, barely two inches away from a window he'd almost missed in his musings.

"Oh, definitely. I mean, it's not like we're on a _train_ in a goddamn _storm_."

"Ah, c'mon, ease up on the sarcasm, man. This was different, something like a seal."

Boss ground his teeth and mentally hurled every curse he could think of as he only just refrained from bashing his skull against the train-wall. It was a long list.

"A seal." The Dugong could practically _hear_ the condescending, indulgent smile. "You heard a _seal_. A surfaced seal, in the middle of the _storm of the century_."

Boss started to sigh in relief…

"Yeah? Well, buddy, I've got a foolproof argument for you."

"Yeah? _What?"_

"We're in the middle of the _Grand Line."_

Before feeling his blood freeze in his veins.

There was silence for a moment, and then…

The window above Boss popped open and a World Government stooge popped his head out, staring straight down at Boss.

There was a tense silence as the pirate and the agent stared at one another.

The agent broke first, adopting an exasperated scowl. "Oh, you have _got_ to be—AGH!" The man was unable to finish his statement on account of Boss grabbing his collar, yanking him out the window, and tossing him into the sea in one fluid motion.

The Dugong snarled in frustration as he flipped onto the windowsill and snapped his dart out, spinning it in a circle as he took stock of the mob of agents readying for combat before him. Agents with a _lot_ of guns, he might add.

Moving fast, the Dugong leapt into the train car, rushed to the front and rammed his elbow into the lock of the door, warping it beyond use. With the agents' only possible route of egress blocked, he faced down his approaching foes with grim determination.

' _Sanji and camaraderie be damned,'_ he thought to himself. ' _That witch of an archaeologist_ owes _me for this, damn it!'_

 **-o-**

"Ah, wait, hang on a second…" I held up my hand to stop Nami as a thought occurred to me. "You said that Sanji, Conis, Su and Boss are all on the Puffing Tom, right?"

"Yeah," our navigator nodded with a nervous smile. "They had to leave Brain at Blue Station so that the members of our crew still here on Water 7 could stay in contact, but while we were still connected, we could hear Conis giving Sanji _hell_. Seriously, she might not look or act like it at times, but that girl's got a will of—!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's impressive, believe me, I know," I waved Nami to silence. "Not what I was gonna ask." I nodded my head at where the rest of our crew was impatiently milling about. "My head feels less like it's being drilled open and more like there's just someone pounding around inside, so I've been able to get a clean headcount. If those four are the only ones who got on the train… then _where the hell is Usopp?"_

Nami and the rest of the crew stiffened as my words sank in before looking around frantically.

"What the _hell—!?"_ Nami demanded in shock.

"HEY, USOPP, WHERE ARE YOU!?" Luffy belted out at the top of his lungs.

"Did anyone see where he went?" Chopper asked nervously.

"Not a clue, sorry," Donny shrugged.

"Yeah," Raphey tacked on as she gnawed on the 'thumb' of her flipper. "Last I saw him he was pacing around muttering something about… lying better or something? I dunno, it was a bunch of gibb—!"

 _FWOOMPF!_

"GAH!"

"THE HECK!?"

"WHAT THE—!?"

The cause for our distress was the fact that a freaking _explosion_ had gone off in the middle of the dock, spewing smoke everywhere and absolutely obscuring our vision.

For a second everyone started to panic, myself included, before freezing as a blast of noise roared out through the smoke. A gong, to be exact, followed by a guitar solo.

"THIS IS _NOT_ THE TIME, SOUNDBITE!" Nami roared.

" **THAT WASN'T** _ **ME!"**_ the snail snapped, before hesitating slightly. " _Or, well… IT ISN'T ANYMORE?_ _ **The hell does he think he's—!?"**_

"Soundbite, what's going on?!" I demanded as a brass section started to kick in. "What are you talking about? And why the hell does this song sound familiar?!"

" **Usopp had me** _ **play something for**_ **HIM AWHILE BACK,** AND HE RECORDED IT _**ON A TONE DIAL!"**_ Soundbite explained in a confused tone. " _But I have no clue_ **what he's—!"**

Suddenly, words cut through the music, and my gut and jaw dropped at the same time as I realized _where_ I knew this song from.

" _Oh, the wind carries my na~me! From Sniper Island far awa~y!"_

I finally got my jaw working and managed to roar over the cacophony. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, LONG-NOSE!?"

Unfortunately, going by how he kept plowing on, it seemed that he'd elected to summarily ignore me. " _When I take aim, it's straight and true! Lu-lu-la-la-lu~!"_

I ground my teeth as I glanced at Soundbite. "Where is he so that I can slap the stupid out of him?"

The snail immediately shook his head. " _He's bouncing_ **the music around THE ROOM, AND THERE ARE TOO** _MANY WORKERS IN HERE TO TELL_ _ **which is him!"**_

" _Whether you're a man or mouse: lock on!"_ Usopp proclaimed proudly. " _I will put your heart in my sights, LOCK ON!"_

 _BOMF!_

"GAH!"

"AGAIN!? _SERIOUSLY!?"_

There was a renewed round of protests as a second explosion, this time a _smokeless_ one at that, suddenly detonated somewhere, the sheer force blowing away all the yet-lingering smoke and revealing a certain cloak-wearing individual perched on top of the Rocketman's smokestack.

"BEHOLD!" the cloak-wearer bellowed confidently. "I AM THE GRANDMASTER OF SNIPER ISLAND! THE FLAWLESS MARKSMAN, THE INFALLIBLE SHARPSHOOTER, HE WHO HAS FIRED A HUNDRED SHOTS AND MISSED NOT EVEN ONCE! I! AM! SNIPER—!"

 _WOOOT!_

"GYAH!"

The cloak-wearer leapt off the Sea Train with an agonized holler when he was suddenly assaulted by a blast of steam hitting him from below. He then proceeded to unceremoniously faceplant on the dock.

"Will you stop screwing around, damn it?!" a grease-stained Iceburg demanded as he stuck his head out of the cabin's window. "Getting this hunk of junk moving again is hard enough as is without your bullshit impairing my vision!"

"Sowwy…" the cloaked man mumbled into the dock. He waited a moment for Iceburg to get back to work before popping up into a proud stance, finger jabbed in the air and his _very_ familiar mask on display for all to see. "BEHOLD!" Usopp proclaimed. "I AM SNIPER KING!"

"Are you serious?!" most of the crew demanded incredulously, myself included.

"SO COOL!" shouted Luffy, Chopper and… _the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad!?_

I snagged the back of Leo and Donny's shells and hauled them up the glare-level. "Don't tell me you two _actually_ buy this farce!?"

Leo snorted derisively. "With that nose? He wishes."

"But hey, you gotta give a man props where he's due," Donny shrugged. "The presentation is top-notch."

My eye twitched before I forced myself to drop the Dugongs and march towards my obviously _insane_ crewmate. "Pardon me, everyone, I need to have a _word_ with our… _guest."_ Before anyone could respond, I reached Usopp, spun him around so that he was facing away from everyone and slung my arm around his shoulders in such a way that it was _very_ clear I could headlock him if I wanted to. "Alright, what the _hell_ do you think you're doing?!" I hissed under my breath.

The so-called Sniper King promptly began blustering. "W-Whatever do you mean, good sir? The entire world knows of the Straw Hat Pirates, even Sniper Island! Do you know where Sniper Island is, good sir? It's in—GRK!" 'Sniper King' stiffened in terror when I crushed him against me.

"I will rip 'Sniper Island' clean out of you and _show it to you_ unless you cut the bullshit. Do not test me, Long Nose, I have had a _hell_ of a day," I growled menacingly.

"Alright-alright-alright-alright!" Usopp yelped, straining to keep his voice at a whisper. "I'll explain, I'll explain, just don't break my legs!"

"I'll consider it _if_ you manage to satisfy me," I hissed. "Talk fast."

Usopp took a second to get his breathing under control before speaking. "L-L-Look, let's be frank, alright? I've done a lot of crazy shit on this crew and I love everyone on it, and I _want_ to save Robin, but _Enies Lobby!?"_ He shook his head vigorously. "You don't have the context that I have with that name, that _anyone_ in the world has with that name. We're _raised_ to fear Enies, it's the entryway to either heaven or hell if you're a civilian or, if you're a pirate, just two different kinds of hell! It's a location that's as bad as the _boogeyman!_ I-I-I want to be brave, but…" Usopp gazed miserably at his knees, which were shivering as they desperately fought to support him. "I-I can't, I _know_ I can't, I'm too scared b-but I _want_ to save Robin! So… So I'm compromising and taking _your_ advice."

"When the hell did I ever suggest doing _this?!"_ I demanded incredulously.

"W-W-Well!" Usopp flung his hand up, probably in an attempt to stop the fist I had cocked. "You told me that if I was having trouble building up bravery, that I should try lying to myself to convince myself that I could do it! And I tried that, I did, but no matter how badly I lied, I was too scared to go and fight alongside you all! So…"

My jaw dropped as realization hit me. "So you _made up_ someone brave enough to go in your place!?"

I could _see_ the shaky grin stretching behind his mask. "Pretty smart, huh?"

I rapped the butt of my palm against his forehead. "Does this _look_ like the face of someone who approves in any given capacity, you stupid—!" I started to hiss before pausing and forcing myself to take a few breaths and calm down. "Sorry, again, hell of a day, sporting a concussion, my temper's a little bit wild. But _Usopp,"_ I continued, shaking my head. "You don't _need_ to do that. Usopp, in the end, no matter how you cut it, all of the bravery that you manage as Sniper King is the same bravery you can manage as _yourself._ All of this is… unnecessary! You hear me?"

Usopp was pointedly silent for a moment before jerking his head to look away. I _felt_ a vein pop on my forehead, and I opened my mouth to continue chewing him out… when suddenly a much, _much_ more satisfying way to convince him came to mind. Plastering a smile on my face that I _knew_ looked fake, I loosened my grip on him and patted his back. "Well, if that's your choice, then I suppose that's that, nothing I can do about it!" I stepped to the side and gestured to the rest of the crew. "Go ahead, Sniper King, tell the rest of the crew why you're here!" I said warmly. Soundbite opened his mouth to say something, but I donned a sadistic grin as I popped a finger up to silence him. This… This was going to be _fun._

Usopp hesitated a moment as he tried to divine what kind of game I was playing, but he eventually elected to go back to his previous pose with his finger pointing in the air. "SNIPER KING!"

"SO COOL!" the usual suspects cheered again. However, unlike last time, Chopper paused shortly after cheering and tilted his head to the side in confusion.

"Ah… hey, Sniper King?" the Zoan-doctor raised his hoof questioningly. "Not that you're not really cool and everything, but why are you here?"

"Oh, yeah!" Luffy stuck his hand up as well. "And have you seen Usopp anywhere? He's our sniper and we can't find him!"

Usopp snapped into yet another pose, his fingers cradling his chin. "Your questions are fortuitous, for they both share the exact same answer! For you see, your comrade, Usopp, he told me of your plight." He held his fist before his face and shook his head in a most dramatic manner. "The injustice, the inhumanity! His words moved me like none before! Sadly, however…" The 'super'-hero crossed his arms and bowed his head solemnly. "For all that I could tell that your most skilled sniper wished to aid you in the rescue of your crewmate, he informed me that his will was just _not_ up to the task! As such, he begged me to take his place in your crusade and—!"

" _LIAR!" CRACK!_

"—GRK!" Usopp choked as he slammed to the ground at my feet, his nose bent _way_ out of shape. "Agh… what just happened?"

"Pfff—!" I snorted through the hand I was using to hide my smile. "You just tried to tell Luffy that one of his crewmates tried to run from a fight to save _another_ crewmate! What do you _think_ just happened?"

I could _see_ Usopp's eyes widen behind his goggles. "Ahhh, _shi—WAGH!"_ That was as far as he got before a Heavy Point Chopper grabbed his collar and hauled him up to both his and Luffy's apoplectic lines of sight.

"You're lying!" Luffy snarled, inches away from letting loose and _slugging_ Usopp again. "Usopp would _never_ run away, not now and especially not from this!"

"Yeah!" Chopper barked in agreement. " _Sure,_ Usopp can be something of a coward, sure, he might lie a lot, sure, he has so much practice at running that he's almost got Shave down pat—!"

" **GET ON WITH IT!"** the voice of God barked from on high, startling Chopper into dropping the masked sniper and allowing him to stumble back a bit as he rubbed his throat.

I blinked in realization. "Wow, I can't believe that _that_ was the first Monty Python reference I've ever heard you make."

" _Seriously?"_ Soundbite blinked in surprise. " **Eesh, I'LL HAVE TO** _try and make MORE!"_

" _Usopp wouldn't run away!"_ Luffy reasserted firmly, so filled with conviction that he failed to notice 'Sniper King' starting to twitch like someone trying to dance to will. . "Not today, not from this! No matter what, Usopp is our crewmate! He's brave, he's smart, he's…" Luffy paused for a moment before glancing to the side and whistling nervously. "He's really strong…"

"You know everyone can tell you're lying, right?" 'Sniper King' muttered as he twitched.

"THAT DOESN'T MATTER!" Luffy roared, causing him to jump in shock. "EVEN IF USOPP ISN'T STRONG, I KNOW HE WOULDN'T EVER RUN! USOPP'S MY _CREWMATE!_ I TRUST HIM WITH MY LIFE, AND I KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER HOW SCARED HE WAS, _USOPP WOULD NEVER RUN!_ HE'D STAY AND HE'D BEAT YOU IN ANY SNIPING CONTEST A MILLION TIMES—!"

" _DAMN IT_ , WILL YOU STOP MAKING THIS SO DIFFICULT ALREADY?!" Usopp, _really_ Usopp this time, finally snapped with an infuriated roar as he ripped his mask off and threw it at the ground.

"USOPP!?" Chopper and Luffy gaped.

"Seriously, Chopper?" Zoro deadpanned.

The reindeer turned as pink as cherry blossoms and chuckled sheepishly as he scratched the back of his head. "I, ah, might have gotten carried away with how cool he was…"

"That's one thing to call him…" Nami scoffed before redirecting her attention to where Luffy was staring at Usopp in innocent confusion.

"Why the heck were you wearing that mask, Usopp?" he asked in an utterly clueless tone, which only caused Usopp to gain another infuriated tickmark.

"BECAUSE I WAS SCARED _SHITLESS,_ DAMN IT!" the sniper bellowed, even going so far as to flail his fists at his side. "WE'RE ABOUT TO RAID ENIES FUCKING LOBBY, THE GATES OF HELL THEMSELVES! ALL I WANTED WAS TO WEAR THAT MASK AND BECOME SOMEONE ELSE FOR A _FEW HOURS,_ SOMEONE BRAVE AND STRONG ENOUGH TO KICK ASS WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT PISSING HIS PANTS, AND THEN HE WOULD HAVE DISAPPEARED INTO THE NIGHT NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN! WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR!?"

"Oooooh…" Luffy nodded slowly in understanding before chuckling sheepishly. "Well, if that's why, then that's alright. You can still wear the mask, I won't be mad!"

"LIKE HELL I CAN AFTER YOU SAID ALL THOSE NICE THINGS ABOUT ME!" Usopp spat. "THANKS TO YOU BEING SO DAMN NICE, IF I TRIED WEARING IT NOW, I'D FEEL GUILTY AS ALL HELL! I PUT ALL THAT WORK INTO IT AND NOW I DON'T HAVE ANY CHOICE _BUT_ TO FORGET THE DAMN THING! THIS DAMN MASK—!" He raised a foot high...

" _IS TOTALLY USELESS!"_

 _CRACK!_

And brought it down _dead center_ on the mask.

" _USELESS USELESS USELESS USELESS—!"_

He _then_ proceeded to do it a half dozen times more.

I cocked an eyebrow as I watched the display. "Are you…?"

" _Noooope,_ **that's all him."**

"Huh," I was silent for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Ah, well, at least he makes it work." I then grinned as I noted that Usopp had finally stopped his stomping in favor of just standing around and panting. With that out of the way, I walked up to him and slung my arm around his shoulder again, this time in a friendly manner. "Satisfied?"

Usopp took a moment to finish catching his breath before looking down at the shattered mess at his feet. "I… yeah. Yeah, I actually think I am."

"Glad to hear it." I then leaned down, picked up a fragment of the mask and looked it over. "Fare thee well, Sniper King. You were… actually kind of cool, I'll admit…" I grinned proudly as I looked at Usopp. "But it seems like our sniper's outgrown you a little early."

" _As is only just."_

"Nope!" I stated flatly as I tossed the fragment off the dock without a second of hesitation. I could put up with a lot of insanity, but there was no way that I was dealing with _that._

"So," Nami drew attention to herself with a clap of her hands. "Now that Usopp's finally managed to grow at least half a pair—"

"HEY!"

"—It seems like the only thing we're waiting on so that we can…" She sighed in resignation. " _Officially_ cement our status as the most infamous pirate crew since the Roger Pirates, is for—"

 _ **WOOOOOOOOT!**_

Nami was cut off by Rocketman blowing its stack again, only this time it wasn't a mere whistle. It was a _roar,_ a roar of pure mechanical power that shook us all straight to our bones.

Iceburg jumped out of the engine's cabin, wiping his hands off on a rag. "He's good to go. Though, of course…" He gave Kokoro a warning look. "Once he starts, he's not going to _stop._ You realize that, right?"

"Wait, you mean that the brakes on this monster _don't work!?"_ Vivi squeaked in terror.

"Why do you think it's locked away in here?" I scoffed. "Tom may have been a genius, but he couldn't get everything right the first time; Rocketman is the prototype, and it didn't get its name for shits and giggles, it got it because it's nothing but a runaway train. Though, really…" I grinned eagerly. "I don't see what the big deal is."

"BRAKES?" Soundbite cackled. " **Where we're going,** _we don't need brakes!"_

"NGAGAGAGA! Ain't that the truth!" Kokoro cackled as she climbed into the train's cabin. "Fair warning though, we'll be passing eighty-eight by a _wide_ margin!"

I slammed my hand down on Soundbite's shell when I noticed his ecstatic grin. "You can get into a quote-off _after_ we turn Enies inside-out. For now, though?" I spun my finger in the air. " _MOUNT UP!"_

"Right!" Zambai grinned as he slammed his fist into his palm. "We'll go hop on our King Bulls and hook up with you guys on the way to the tracks! ALRIGHT, MEN!" he raised his voice to address the rest of the Franky Family. "LET'S GO GET OUR BIG BRO _BACK!"_

"YEAH!" the rest of the disjointed family bellowed at the top of their lungs before following their second-turned-leader out of the dock.

"Uh, Cross?"

I glanced back to see that Kiwi and Mozu had lingered behind. "What is it, you two?"

"Why did they take Big Bro Franky?" Kiwi asked.

"Yeah, I thought all they wanted were those blueprints that you destroyed," Mozu added.

"I suppose I should explain that."

All eyes fell on Iceburg, who was grimacing. "'Franky' is a nickname that I gave him; his real name is Cutty Flam. When Tom was taken away several years ago, Franky was alongside Kokoro and I, and he was unable to cope with the injustice of Tom's sentence. He stole a rifle from one of the Marines nearby and slammed it into the lead investigator's face. He was marked as a criminal, but never persecuted, as he was thought dead not long afterwards."

"For good reason," I picked up, drawing everyone's attention back to me. "Franky stood on the sea-train tracks, attempting to keep it from running armed only with a bazooka and his own will. He failed, and was cataclysmically injured; the only reason he survived is that he drifted to a scrap ship, where he rebuilt his body with iron. When he finally made his way back to Water 7 years later, Iceburg encouraged him to discard his real name and only go by Franky to avoid persecution."

Iceburg stared quizzically at me for a few seconds before shaking his head. "Perfectly accurate, and if you survive storming Enies, I'm going to enjoy hearing the explanation. But even so…"

"You don't think that CP9 would have gone out of their way to take him when they already had Robin?" I asked. "The reason for that is simple. That bastard agent that Franky pistol-whipped all those years ago? He never fully recovered; he holds his face together with leather. And since then, he's become the chief of CP9. And while I'm sure he's pissed as all hell about not being able to get his hands on the blueprints, he's sure as hell petty enough to order the Pol to kidnap Franky so that he can get his revenge."

Iceburg grimaced darkly. "Yes, well… I'm sure as hell not letting that happen. Paulie, Lulu, Tilestone!"

"SIR!" the three shipwrights barked in unison, snapping into uniform salutes.

The foreman stared his men down, causing them to flinch self-consciously. "I imagine that even if I didn't tell you to, the three of you would sneak aboard the Rocketman in order to accompany the Straw Hats and get some measure of justice against our old comrades, right?"

"Ah, w-well sir…" Paulie muttered, looking away sheepishly.

"Shut it."

The rope-master's jaw snapped shut with a click.

Iceburg eyed them silently for a moment before sighing. "Well, if you're going anyway, I might as well make it official: listen up!" The sudden shout caused the trio to snap to attention again. "I already dismissed Kaku and Kalifa myself, but Lucci is _still_ technically an employee of Galley-La. I am _not_ happy with this situation. So, here." Iceburg drew an envelope from his pocket and handed it off to Paulie.

The shipwright looked it over in confusion. "Eh? What the—? An envelope of cash? The hell?"

"Severance pay," Iceburg explained in an appropriately cold tone. "I don't expect you to fight Lucci one on one, I recognize that he's too strong for that, but one way or another make sure that he gets that envelope." The foreman crossed his arms with a scowl. "Let's be clear: I don't want Rob Lucci's name to be associated with Galley-La for any longer than it has to be, do I make myself clear?"

"SIR, YES, SIR!" the shipwrights saluted proudly.

"Well, now that we're all good and settled!" Kokoro called out. "What say we get this show on the road, huh?"

"Right there with you!" I grinned eagerly as I clambered into the Rocketman's cabin, with the rest of the crew right behind me. I settled on the cushions nearest the window as everyone came inside, and consequently was within earshot of a certain exchange:

"Iceburg… can you watch after Merry while we're gone? I mean, if you have time between the damage—"

"No, it would be my pleasure."

I winced, hard, as I remembered _that_ little detail. At least Iceburg had agreed, but even with everything she was doing, at this point, there really wasn't much I could do except hope for a miracle… or bargain for one. But I shook those thoughts off as Usopp boarded, everyone else either milling about or sitting down.

"Alright, everyone, hang on tight!" Kokoro belted out from the engine. "The Runaway Sea Train Rocketman is now departing from Water 7 with Enies Lobby as its terminus! _Full steam ahead!"_

"You ready for this?" I asked Soundbite eagerly as I stood up and hung my torso out of the window of the train car.

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" the snail whooped.

"Hey, what the—?! _GET BACK IN HERE, YOU MORO—!"_

 _ **WOOOOOOOOT!**_

Vivi was cut off when, with an almighty jerk and roar, the Sea Train shot out of its dock like a freaking _cannonball._

Seeing it was one thing, but riding a Sea Train... well, it was something else entirely. Riding even the prototype, it was _easy_ to see how the Sea Trains managed to brave waters that swallowed ships on a daily basis: they fought the Grand Line and always came out on top because they were complete and utter _monsters._ Speed, power, durability, all aspects that the iron horses had in _spades_ with which they could stampede over the Grand Line without a moment's worry or hesitation.

Honestly, even in spite of the current situation, even in _spite_ of the danger and worry I felt, in face of the sheer speed of the Rocketman, of the _conflict_ between nature clashing against machine…

"Pff…"

What else could I do but laugh in ecstatic glee?

"PFFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! WOOHOO, THIS IS AWESOME!"

" **BEST RIDE EVAH!** _ **WAHAHA!"**_

"YOU MORONS ARE GOING TO GET YOURSELVES KILLED!" Nami screamed from within.

Soundbite and I paused and glanced at one another before grinning ecstatically.

" _WORTH IT!"_ we chorused.

" _IDIOTS!"_

Still, even as I laughed and cheered, I couldn't help but feel some measure of concern in the back of my mind for our comrades off on the Puffing Tom.

 **-o-**

Conis took a moment to regain her breath before glancing at Franky. "Alright, you ready?"

The blue-haired cyborg cracked his head side to side as he rolled his shoulders. "So far, I've been beaten, tied up and then tossed in a train car like little more than _luggage._ Trust me, I am _SUPER!_ ready," he growled eagerly.

"Alright, then." Conis took a step back from the door, her grip on her underslung Bazooka tightening. "Breaching in three, two—!" The angel stepped forward and slammed her heel in the dead center of the door, blasting it off its hinges and into the car—

 _SHINK!_

Where it only managed to fly forwards a few feet before splitting into uniform planks of wood that even went so far as to land in a neat stack at the back of the car.

Captain T-Bone snorted as he stood up from his post-swing stance and re-sheathed his sword. "Now, now," the dilapidated Captain wheezed in a scolding tone. "You should be more careful. You could have hurt someone with that stunt of yours."

Conis and Franky both gaped at the sheer casualness that the man was displaying after having demonstrated such masterful swordsmanship.

"We're dead," they summarized flatly.

"And now that you've so rudely intruded into my car…" T-Bone rumbled as he slowly marched up to the two, towering above them like a human-sized giant… before sinking into a sitting position as one of his subordinates produced a full-fledged tea set before him, from which the Captain picked up a cup and took a sip. "Would you care to relax and join us for a cup of tea?" he continued, all of the Marines in the car raising cups of their own.

The interlopers exchanged dubious looks for a second before they adopted seiza positions of their own, picked up the offered cups and took deep sips of the drink being offered to them.

Conis promptly reeled back in surprise. "Oh, my, this is quite good!"

"Indeed," Franky hummed. "This is quite the intriguing variety of flavors. It really engages the palate."

"Here, Su," Conis offered, holding her cup over her shoulder. "Would you care for a taste?"

"Su…" The cloud fox ground her paw into her muzzle with a moan.

"I'm glad you enjoy it so much," T-Bone chuckled into his cup. "It's my own personal blend. It's difficult to acquire all the necessary components, but I find the taste to be _well_ worth it."

"I can't help but agree with you there," Franky nodded his head in agreement. "I'm tasting some bits from North Blue, West Blue, New Worl—!"

 _SMASH!_

"WHY THE HELL ARE WE JUST SITTING AROUND DRINKING TEA!?" Franky roared as he put his fist through the floor where his tea set had been moments earlier.

T-Bone gave Franky a flat look as he held the set out of range before handing it off and looking at the Angel and Cloud Fox in the room. "You are Conis and Su of the Straw Hat Pirates, yes?"

The two nodded their heads hesitantly.

"I trust, then, that you are familiar with the name 'Ophiuchus'? I myself am known as Scorpio."

Conis gasped in realization before leaping to her feet and waving her hands frantically as she interposed herself between the Captain and Franky. "Waitwaitwaitwait!" she pleaded hastily. "I know that this must sound insane, but he's a friend of Cro—MMPH?"

"Su," the fox said with a tone of warning. Conis stared at the fox for a moment before nodding, upon which she removed her tail from her mistress' mouth.

"Ah, _ahem,_ h-he's a friend of a member of our crew," Conis corrected carefully.

" _What!?"_ Franky squawked in shock.

"Ally, to be specific. I wouldn't go so far as to call us friends quite yet, especially with his most… _grating_ attitude," T-Bone corrected.

"Su," Su rolled her eyes with a scoff.

"Ally— _are you nuts!?"_ Franky demanded indignantly. "Cross has done his best to verbally tear the Marines a new one! Why would any Marine want to be the ally of _any_ member of your crew!?"

"Perhaps…" T-Bone posited calmly. "Because there are some Marines who realize that Jeremiah Cross is actually correct about the current state of the Marine Corps' morality—or lack thereof, as it were. And with the inability to ignore it any longer, such Marines are faced with the options to either leave the Corps, or fight against it. Not through piracy, nor through open revolution… or not quite yet, at least. Instead, we have chosen to bide our time and build our numbers, an endeavor for which Ophiuchus has proven to be an invaluable resource."

"I know it sounds crazy, but it's true!" Conis insisted desperately. "Captain T-Bone and _his_ friends—"

" _That_ classification is accurate," T-Bone nodded.

"—Are working with C— _Ophiuchus_ to try and make the world better!" Conis cast a light glare over her shoulder as she rubbed the freshly-bitten part of her shoulder.

Franky snorted derisively as he backed down _slightly,_ but not a lot. "Give me _one_ reason why I should believe all this and _not_ punch this guy's head clean off."

T-Bone cocked what little of his eyebrow remained as he jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "Would the fact that I subdued the CP7 agent waiting in the next car be sufficient?"

Franky and Conis both snapped shocked looks at the Captain. They then moved to the doorway in question and exited to the next car. Five seconds later, they were back with disturbed expressions on their faces.

"I didn't think anyone could top Satori's level of ugly," Conis shuddered. " _Clearly,_ I was wrong."

"So much ramen…" Franky moaned.

"And all from his nose, to boot," T-Bone snorted. "I incapacitated him when he _tried_ to serve that foul concoction of his to my men and I. Honestly now, I do believe that I did the wide world of cuisine a favor."

Conis glanced over her shoulder with an uncomfortable grimace. "I can only imagine how Sanji would have reacted to that…"

Franky hastily shook his head and re-donned his grimace. "S-Still, that doesn't mean anything! You could have just taken that bastard down because he was a freak! That doesn't say prove anything about you and the Straw Hats!"

T-Bone rolled his eyes with a weary sigh before gesturing to one of his men, who produced a Transponder Snail from a briefcase he was holding. "Please connect me to Pisces," he requested. The snail smiled and nodded before concentrating, during which the Captain cast a glance at the pirate and cyborg. "The Government prohibited the presence of Transponder Snails on this voyage for fear that Jeremiah Cross's partner might learn something that would compromise CP9's mission in any way. It is fortunate, therefore, that I've taken to the habit of keeping one well-hidden at all times, in case of just such an emergency. Such as, say, now."

Not even a second later, the Transponder Snail adopted a carefully neutral expression. " _Pisces,"_ it drawled in a mucked-up voice.

"Scorpio," T-Bone wheezed in return. "Since you're the only one with his number, would you be so kind as to connect us to Ophiuchus? I have his crewmate here with me, and I would like to verify my allegiance."

" _Sure thing, just give me a second to connect to him,"_ Pisces trailed off for a moment before nodding in satisfaction. " _Done. Pisces calling."_

" _PFFHAHAHA! OPHIUCHUS HERE, BABY!"_ an equally garbled voice whooped ecstatically over the sound of gale-force winds, driving rain, and a roaring steam engine. " _AND DAMN GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU GUYS, 'CAUSE WE'VE HIT A SNAG ON OUR END AND I CAN'T CALL YOU ON MY OWN JUST YET!"_

There was a moment of silence before Pisces groaned in resignation. " _I swear, every time, the damn migraine gets worse and worse…"_

"Ophiuchus," T-Bone cut in. "I am currently in the presence of your comrades and a number of my own men. If you'd be so kind as to identify yourself, please?"

" _EH? SERIOUS—AH, WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND!"_ The winds died down to nothing, and a breathless voice panted across a moment later. " _S-Sorry about that, adrenaline rush… anyway, you said a number of your own men, Scorpio?"_

"I trust that they will keep silent about this," he said, scanning over the room. One and all, the men sprang into salutes. "But still, with matters as delicate as these, discretion is the utmost key, so if you would be so kind as to…?"

" _Yeah, yeah, on it. So—Ah… Little Dipper, if you would?"_

" **Little Dipper my hairy left—!"** Suddenly a staticky crackling noise erected around the Captain, the angel and the cyborg. " _ **THERE!**_ **DONE!** _AND CALL ME LITTLE DIPPER AGAIN_ AND I'LL TEAR YOUR EAR OFF."

" _Duly noted,"_ Ophiuchus, or rather, _Cross_ assured someone who could only be Soundbite.

"…You know, I _should_ be surprised that you actually have this kind of alliance in the Marine Corps, Cross," Franky began. "But after you tricked CP9 into showing themselves, I'm really not. I don't think anything you say can surprise me now."

" _DON'T CHALLENGE HIM!"_ roared everyone in earshot.

" _Yeah, Franky,"_ Cross snickered tauntingly. " _Or would you rather Cutty Flam, for the sake of nostalgia?"_

Franky twitched slightly before snorting. "That doesn't prove anything, Kokoro said that in front of you yesterday."

" _True, true, but she sure as hell didn't call you_ Number 36."

"Strike two, Cross. I told you that one my—!"

" _Well, yes, but you didn't tell me that this is the first_ humanoid _model, whereas the first thirty-five were more, shall we say… aquatic, designed specifically for the purpose of killing sea kings. Specifically… a very persistent and_ centipede-y _one."_ Cross was silent for a second before grinning widely. " _I totally hit the nail on the head and Franky's frozen, isn't he?"_

"You never fail to amaze and horrify, Cross," T-Bone sighed wearily.

" _Tell me about it…"_ Pisces groaned.

" _But nevertheless, moving on while Franky recovers…"_ Cross said, his tone becoming more serious. " _Status report on the Puffing Tom?"_

"The train has seven compartments. The rearmost held a large group of agents led by Jerry of Cipher Pol Number 6," T-Bone stated as he glanced at Conis. "Your gunner has dealt with them, I presume?"

Conis nodded in agreement as she worked a crick out of her neck. "The boxer was slippery, but I eventually managed to deal him a head-on blast with my bazooka."

T-Bone nodded. "Moving on, the sixth held only two agents and Franky. The fifth is mine, the fourth held Wanze of CP7, who I dispatched myself, and the third holds Nero, the newest member of CP9. The agents themselves wait in the second car, and Nico Robin is in the first."

" _And the rest of the crew?"_

"Boss and Sanji are making their way to Robin on the outside," Su spoke up out of the blue. "Boss is scaling the side of the cars, while Sanji's running along the top. Conis went in through the back in order to act as a distraction. And _damn,_ I never thought I'd say this, but I missed the sound of your voice, slimeball, if only because I missed the sound of my own."

" **Back at ya,** _ **PUFFBALL!"**_

" _Mrgh… the roof, huh? That means he'll run into Nero, the paranoid rat… but he is stronger than him,_ _so…"_

 **-o-**

Several cars ahead and a few feet up, two combatants hastily fell into crouches and used their hands to stabilize themselves as the Puffing Tom mounted a particularly large wave.

' _Damn this slippery shit-weasel…'_ Sanji thought to himself as he absentmindedly shielded his lighter in a futile effort to ignite his cigarette. ' _Because of all his damn moving and this footing, I can't get a bead on him! I can_ tell _that he's weak, all I need is to get_ one _good kick in…'_

' _Damn this slippery pirate-weakling…'_ Nero mentally cursed as he spat out a bloody tooth, a remnant of the first few instances of the fight where he'd foolishly tried to meet his opponent head-on. ' _I don't know what bullshit trick he's pulling to stay ahead of a Four Powers user like me, but in the end, he's still just mortal! All I need is to get him to lose his footing, even a little…'_

And so, their wills resolved and their breath regained, the pirate and wannabe-assassin dashed at one another anew.

 **-o-**

"… _eh, fuck it, it's Sanji, we don't call him a monster for shits and giggles. He should come out just fine. Right, anyway… OK. As for us, we're in pursuit on the prototype sea train, Rocketman. We probably won't catch the Puffing Tom, but we'll reach Enies Lobby not long after it. Scorpio, considering CP9's presence—!"_

"The cars are naturally buoyant and I can fend off any Sea Kings who attempt to harass us on my own, fret not for my safety, Cross," the Captain calmly insisted.

" _Right, then, that takes care of that, I suppose. Now, if that's all, Pisces, I need to talk with you about somethi—!"_

" _HEY, KIDS!"_ an elderly female voice barked across the connection. " _I SUGGEST THAT YOU ALL HANG ONTO YOUR UNDERWEAR, WE'RE ABOUT TO HIT THE TRACKS! THINGS ARE GONNA GET_ ROUGH!"

" _Ohhh!"_ Cross all but _squealed_. " _On second thought, call me back in a few minutes! No way in hell am I missing this rush!"_

" **COWABUNGA,** _ **BAY-BEE!"**_ Soundbite hollered.

" _What!?"_ Pisces yelped. " _Cross, don't you_ dare—!"

" _PFFHAHAHAHA!"_ Cross cackled at the top of his lungs, shouting to be heard over the roar of the wind. " _OH YEAH, THIS IS THE LIFE!"_

" _Ergh…"_ Pisces relented with an exasperated groan. " _I swear, sometimes I'm convinced that this idiot has a raging_ deathwish…"

" _COME ON, YOU BIG HUNK A' JUNK! GIVE ME ALL YOU—!"_

 **KA-KLUNK!**

"— _WAAAAAaaaaagh!"_

An uncomfortable silence hung in the air as the tenuously allied individuals tried to process just what the _hell_ they'd just heard.

"Did… Did Cross just get blown off of his train?" Conis asked uneasily.

" _Yes, he did. Be grateful that I managed to grab Soundbite before he flew away,"_ groaned Zoro's pained voice. " _And before the rest of us got flung to the back of the cabin, for that matter."_

"Wow, he really _does_ have a deathwish…" Franky muttered.

Pisces' eye twitched furiously even as she ground her teeth. " _Ooooh, trust me, he's not dead_ yet," she promised grimly. " _He's like a cockroach: he's not_ really _dead until you've torn his twitching body to_ pieces."

"Fantasizing again, Lieutenant?" T-Bone blandly asked.

" _What can I say, it helps me fall asleep at night."_

Franky's sweatdrop doubled in size. "Eesh, Cross's friends are fucked up in the head."

" _Oh, no no no, you have it backwards!"_ Pisces chirped with a pleasant expression. " _I_ was _normal once upon a time…"_ She scowled vehemently. " _And then Cross had to go and shatter my ignorance, fucking up both me_ and _my worldview in the process."_

Franky considered that for a moment before waving his hand dismissively. "Nah, that doesn't fit. I've been a cyborg for over a decade and Su's just naturally twisted. Maybe Cross's just a magnet for this stuff?"

Soundbite stared at Franky with a blank expression, the only movement on his face the twitching of Pisces' eye. " _So, basically, you're telling me… that I was cracked_ right from the start?"

"Eh…" Conis waved her hand side to side. "More like from the instant you set foot in the Grand Line."

She was silent for a second longer before adorning a _very_ twitchy smile. " _Well, this_ has _been fun, but I really_ must _be going. Have fun bringing the shitstorm of the century down upon your own heads!"_

"Ah, wait!" Su hastily popped her paw up. "While I still have my voice, I just _have_ to know!" She focused her attention on T-Bone. "Were you _born_ with your face looking like—?"

The Captain's expression remained unflinchingly neutral as he pressed his finger into the snail's cradle and forced the gastropod back to sleep.

"—sususu, su—? Su?" Su paused in confusion before turning her snout up with an affronted " _Su!"_

"There are not enough words in the world to apologize for her…" Conis mumbled into her hand.

"Trust me, I've heard worse," T-Bone said dismissively. "Now then, I suggest that the two—!"

" _SU!"_

"—three of you, my apologies, move onto the next car and decouple the ones we're on now. Best that you move fast. Every moment we waste is a moment we draw closer to Enies Lobby."

The two nodded, and the Marines in the room braced themselves as the three pirates exited the car. Conis stepped to the entrance of the kitchen as Franky bent down to the connecting cable. Two seconds later, the rear three cars of the Puffing Tom began losing speed and drifting away from them.

Nodding in satisfaction, Franky looked back at Conis. "Are you ready to keep going?"

The angel nodded confidently as she drew her Bazooka. "As if I wouldn't be."

 **-o-**

"Well, that was great until it wasn't," I muttered to myself as I wrung out my sodden jacket into Rocketman's water tank.

" _YA THINK!?"_ Soundbite snarled.

"Wow, Mister Cross, that was really stupid!" Chimney chirped as she watched me wring myself out.

"Yeah, really, really stupid!" Gonbe concurred.

"NAGAGAGA!" Kokoro cackled as she effortlessly manipulated Rocketman's controls. "Man, I haven't seen something _that_ stupid since back when Franky was a part of Tom's Workers! What, is storming Enies not enough of a rush for you?"

"Well, ex- _cuse_ me for wanting to live a little. It's not often that trains have open windows to take advantage of!" I sniffed.

"Huh, good point…" Chimney cocked her head to the side thoughtfully before redonning her grin. "Buuut that was still stupid!"

"Really stupid!" Gonbe added on.

"Really really stupid!" Luffy laughed as he stuck his head into the cabin.

" _WE DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT FROM YOU!"_ Soundbite barked.

"ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN YOU'RE DOING THE EXACT SAME SHIT YOU'RE BERATING ME FOR!" I snarled at him, pointing an accusatory finger.

"Yeah, but _he's_ a monster and the one who saved you, so he doesn't count!" Kokoro cackled.

I held my pose for a moment before lowering my finger and coughing into my fist. "Withdrawn." Shaking off the insanity of the moment, I considered how things were going. A moment later, I snapped my attention to Soundbite. "Keep a lookout for Yokozuna, make sure he _doesn't_ try his 'daily exercise routine' on us for kidnapping Kokoro, got it?"

" _Roger roger,"_ the snail replied.

With that dealt with, I thought about matters a little more, but that was about as much as I could change things at this point. I'd have to wait until everyone else got back to start the planning.

Nodding to myself in acceptance, I turned my attention to the rest of the car—

"GAH MOTHER!"

" _WOO_ **MAMA!"**

—and promptly regretted it, as I caught a brief glimpse of full-frontal Nami right as she was changing before I managed to snap my hands up to block her. And from the fact that she was staring directly at me as she fastened her _very_ revealing—if admittedly iconic—outfit into place, she was doing it intentionally. I lowered my hands only when I heard the metallic slam that was the Clima-Tact, signifying she was finished. Amidst the fading discomfort, I noted that there was one addition to her outfit that wasn't there in the story: her now-portable Waver, secured to her back by its strap.

"Okay, ready for battle!" she announced, before blinking at the blushing Paulie, bleeding Tilestone, Zambai, and Lulu, and my own blistering glare. "What's wrong?" she asked innocently, though _I_ wasn't fooled in the least.

"Couldn't you have warned me?!" I demanded indignantly.

"YOU CHANGED IN HERE WITHOUT A MOMENT'S THOUGHT!" Paulie added. "SCANDALOUS WOMAN!"

"Nice scandal…" the other three groaned, each offering a thumbs-up.

The _devil_ standing before me smirked as she tapped her weapon on her shoulder. "I shouuuuld be charging you ฿10,000 for that little peek…" I froze in horror, but she promptly spread her arms in a 'what can you do' manner. "Buuut, as I'm feeling generous, I think I'll let you off this time and just consider it payback. There _is_ only one car, after all."

"Payback!? _For_ _what!?"_

"Do you want that list chronologically, or alphabetically?" Chopper piped up from where he was working on something.

"HA! _**CALLBA—wait,**_ _you weren't even_ **part of the crew** _BACK THEN!"_ Soundbite said.

"You talk in your sleep and I take good notes."

" _ **THAT RAISES EVEN MORE QUESTIONS!"**_

"And all of them are ones ones that we can discuss later," I cut in, looking for some excuse to move past that conversation and finding it easily in the form of Franky's right hand. "Zambai, tell your guys not to bother shooting at the Aqua Laguna when we get to it; this is Luffy and Zoro's time to shine, so save your ammo for Enies Lobby. Chopper, do you still have my Vision Dial?"

The reindeer nodded before producing it from his bag. I didn't ask why he needed to borrow it, because quite frankly, I didn't want to know. "Good. Someone had better get a very good picture of what's going to happen, or else I'm gonna crack skulls. Besides that, all we have to do is wait until we regroup with our guys on the train." I grimaced as I considered the possible outcomes of that endeavor. "One way or another."

Everyone nodded, and as their attention left me, I scanned around the cabin to observe everyone's actions. Chopper had set about instructing Zambai how to use the Dial; Luffy was playing around with Chimney and Gonbe while Kokoro looked on with amusement; Usopp, Nami, and Zoro were all inspecting their weapons—

I slapped myself in realization, that was _way_ too close. Zoro would have had my head if I forgot that. "Zoro!" I called.

The swordsman looked up, and I called Shu's description to mind. "If things still go straight to pot, there's going to be a Marine that you'll need to watch out for. He wears a white turban and a veil over his mouth."

Zoro cocked an eyebrow at me. "And I should care about this guy why? Is he a swordsman?"

"Nope," I popped out a thumbs-down. "He's the _anti-swordsman._ The bastard ate the Rust-Rust Fruit. If you're not careful, Yubashiri'll be suffering an ignoble death, and Tashigi will blame _you_ for it."

Zoro paled as he snapped his hand into a death-grip on the katana's hilt. "Desert clothes, keep my distance, got it, thanks."

"Damn straight," I nodded confidently before moving on. Galley-La was waiting quietly, even Tilestone, Lassoo was snoozing, the TDWS was checking their weapons too, and shooting annoyed glances at Mikey as he kept spinning his pistols around. Unloaded, thankfully, but still. And last but not least, Carue was sitting in a corner by Vivi, who was—

I didn't even hesitate to stride towards Vivi, moving slowly but with purpose. Carue saw me approaching from where he was surreptitiously watching over the princess, but after a moment's hesitation he elected to look away and tug his beanie down over his eyes.

Vivi, on the other hand, didn't seem to notice. Rather, she was too engrossed with fondling her necklace, turning the intricate metal ball on the end of the chain in her fingers over and over again. This fact was cemented by the way she jumped when I cleared my throat. Her eyes darted around in a futile search for an escape route for a second, but she ultimately sighed and looked up at me in defeat.

"…No way out this time, is there?" she asked quietly.

"Hey hey hey," I spread my hands in a show of harmlessness as I sank to sit beside her. "This is entirely your choice. If you just don't feel like giving all of the details—"

"N-No, it's fine," Vivi interrupted with a raised hand. "I… I may as well, if only because _this…_ " She held up the orb for me to see. "If this isn't the right time to use it, there won't _be_ a right time _ever_." She drew the necklace back and looked it over with a gaze of longing familiarity. "This… it's known a Sirocco charm-container. It's an ancient heirloom of the Nefertari family, passed down through the generations and designed for a sole purpose: to provide an influx of strength to its holder in the hour of their utmost need."

I nodded in understanding. "Makes sense, seems like the kind of thing that thing would be either a weapon or something else designed to help keep you alive considering how A, your father gave it to you when you were leaving for the pirate life and B, I've seen you all but _strangling_ that thing whenever things started getting dire." I looked upwards thoughtfully. "But, that doesn't answer what's _in_ it, does it…" I glanced down at it as a thought struck me. "It… It's not something _gruesome_ like… what, the souls of your ancestors or something, is it?"

Vivi affixed me with a flat look—

 _THWACK!_

"OW!"

—before flicking me in the forehead without warning.

"You've read _way_ too many comic books, Cross," she deadpanned.

I gave her my own look in turn. "Remind me, my obsession has saved our hides _how many_ times now?"

Vivi hesitated for a moment before sighing and hanging her head in defeat. She maintained her stance for a moment before glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. "How much knowledge do you have on the Royal Guardians of Alabasta?"

"Eh…" I blinked in confusion. "Chaka and Pell, right? The Jackal and the Falcon, ancient protectors of the nation and the royal family. Though…" I frowned in confusion. "How the hell you manage to keep _control_ of their powers once they pass on is a mystery to me."

"It's… not as hard as you'd think, really," Vivi shrugged indifferently. "Alabasta has a lot of national treasures, and it's had them for several generations, probably even as far back as the Blank Century itself. Among these treasures are our Devil Fruits. The Jackal and Falcon fruits don't belong to Chaka and Pell by coincidence; the vault in the third storage room is filled with green beans and plums to make sure that when the fruits reincarnate, they end up there."

I shrugged matter-of-factly. "Makes sense to me. Though…" I trailed off as I glanced at her. "I fail to see how this is in any way related to that."

Vivi paused for a moment before tilting her head to shoot me a wry smile. "Cross… the Nefertari's are descendants of one of the ancient Twenty Kings. We are World Nobles in all but name, and our nation is absolutely _massive_."

"Yeah, so?"

She slowly tilted her head to the side. "So, why would we only have _two_ Royal Guardians?"

I stiffened as the implications of what she was saying hit me like a ton of bricks. "…How many?"

Vivi shrugged slightly as she looked forward again, her grin gaining a wistful overtone. "Six in all. Two Zoan, two Paramecia and two Logia, so as to cover our bases. In ancient times, they were the pride and joy of our nation, defending us from all manner of threat, big and small alike!"

It was… really something to see Vivi recount her story. The way she lit up and gazed at something beautiful only she could see… it was clear that this tale was very near and dear to her.

"However…" But all too soon, her smile became melancholy, and her expression sad. "Time is cruel beyond all belief, and it stole our Guardians from us one by one. The Grace slid under time's sands like so many of our monuments in the past, and vanished from our grasp before we even knew what had happened, and later on two more were stolen in quick succession during periods of civil unrest and upheaval: the Rage…" Her hands snapped into a fist. "And the _Desert."_

I widened my eyes in surprise. "…ah. Sooo… that whole 'Sir' Crocodile bit…?"

"More than him just taking out a few pirate crews that decided to attack us," the princess growled, glaring daggers at thin air. "That bastard… he actually brought us _hope._ He returned one of our national treasures, our pride and joy…" She dug her fingers into her arms. "And then he turned it against us, and stole it for the rest of his natural _life_."

I started to consider ways to placate her when I felt something tap my neck. I glanced down and caught sight of Soundbite, who proceeded to mouth something to—!

Once again realization hit me, and once again I looked over at Vivi, only _this time_ I was _very_ intently focused on her necklace. "Vivi…" I whispered. "You said that the Grace was lost and the Rage and Desert were stolen, right?" I didn't even wait for her to nod. "And… seeing as the Desert is currently in Impel Down, Pell and Chaka are still in Alubarna, and I'm _assuming_ that the Rage and Grace are both Paramecia, going how the names have all been pretty self-explanatory…" I swallowed heavily. "Just… what kind of a Logia do you have in your necklace?"

Vivi smiled grimly as she held the metal orb up. "I didn't expect anything less. This is the Storm of Alabasta, more commonly renowned as the Logia-type Gust-Gust Fruit… which takes the form of a pomegranate."

I frowned for a few seconds, trying to work out why that was relevant. Then the penny dropped, along with my jaw.

"An aril…" I breathed.

Soundbite looked between us in confusion. " **Uh…?"**

"Ah, it's a name for pomegranate seeds," I explained before adopting a defensive expression at his incredulous look. "I like Greek Mythology and I saw the term when I was reading the tale of Persephone!"

" _Nerd…"_ Soundbite scoffed before refocusing. " **But what good** _ **DOES THAT—?"**_

"You don't need to eat the _whole_ Devil Fruit, Soundbite," Vivi cut in. "Only a single bite is needed, however small, and any one part of a fruit contains as much power as the whole until someone eats it."

I shot Soundbite a look as I tracked his logic. "Are you really telling me you ate that whole coconut before you realized you had powers, even _after_ you realized it tasted rancid?"

" **I was a lone** _ **snail**_ _**IN A DAMN JUNGLE!**_ **I ATE MY** _food whenever it came_ TO ME, _NO MATTER_ _THE TASTE!_ _**Sue me!"**_

"Anyway," Vivi coughed, bringing our attention back to her. "Assuming that the vault that the main mass of the Gust-Gust Fruit is in hasn't been compromised—and considering how that thing was built to last for centuries, I doubt that it has—" She shook her necklace. "Then what I have here is an _active_ Devil Fruit, just waiting to be eaten. It might look solid, but Father told me how to open it before we left. He said…" Vivi sniffed, visibly fighting against tears at this point. "He… He said that considering the sheer scale of the Grand Line, of the world we live in, that there was no question in his mind that I'd have to eat it one day, for one reason or another, but he also suggested that I wait until it was absolutely necessary. And all things considered…"

Vivi looked up and stared at nothing, deep-seated fear and horror lurking in her eyes. "Well… honestly, what is there to consider? We're going up against _Enies Lobby._ The Judicial Island, seat of the World Government, if not the Government _itself_ …" She shuddered, her arms coming up to grasp themselves. "We are going to need every _inch_ of power we can possibly get our hands on. And if I can contribute, in any way, if _my_ help can help keep our crewmates alive for even a _second_ longer—!"

"Hey hey hey!" I cut in, interrupting her as her voice started to take on a tone of mania. "Calm down, you're starting to panic! Just… alright, first? Look around at everyone else, and tell me what you see."

Vivi slowly raised her head and looked at everyone else in the cabin for a moment before blinking at me in confusion. "I… what am I supposed to be seeing here, Cross? Everyone's acting normal!"

" _Exactly,"_ I said. "Nobody, not Chopper, not Nami, not even _Usopp,_ is making a big deal out of what we're about to do. They're not panicking and they're not freaking out, and you know why?" I tapped her necklace before she could have a chance to respond. "Because they don't have _this_ hanging over their heads. You're agonizing because you think you're standing at an irreversible crossroad of your life, but while it _might_ be approaching, you haven't reached it yet. Enies…" I grimaced as I considered the events to come. "Enies is gonna be nuts, yes, but it's not guaranteed to be a complete clusterfuck. You still have _time._ Gaining your powers will be a monumental event in your life, and you should only go through with it when _you_ feel it's right, not when you feel forced to do it. Otherwise, well…" I spread my hands helplessly. "You'll just end up regretting it for the rest of your life."

Vivi started to nod in acceptance before pausing and giving me a suspicious look. "Did you just bastardize 'the talk'?"

I opened my mouth to deny her, and promptly grimaced as I reran my words through my head. "Good grief, I actually did. My apologies, no person should ever have to have that conversation twice. But ah, still, to ram my point home and alleviate some of your stress…"

I pointed at her necklace. "Let me tell you about an unspoken law concerning Devil Fruits. Now, I'm not certain how widespread this is in the pirate world, but considering how the Roger Pirates abided by it and the Whitebeards _still_ abide by it, I'd say it's a pretty common policy: where possession is usually nine-tenths of the law, it becomes a full ten-tenths when it comes to Devil Fruits. What a crewmate does with a Devil Fruit they've acquired is entirely up to them. Eat it, sell it, gift it, even toss it, it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what _they_ want, and no one and nothing, maybe not even the captain himself, can say otherwise. Although…" I snickered as I tilted my head so that I could gaze at where Luffy was perched on the Sea Train's nose. "In our case, I'd say any dangers of that are rather moot, no?"

Vivi managed to chuckle at that. Then she smiled gratefully, releasing the necklace. "Thank you, Cross. That… That helped a lot."

"Anytime. But, ah… out of curiosity, what are the two Paramecia fruits?"

Vivi shrugged. "The Grace is the Cloth-Cloth Fruit, which allows its user to control whatever cloth they touch—much more effective than it sounds, believe me—!"

"Oh, no, don't worry, I'm sure it's earned its reputation," I assured.

Vivi nodded. "And the Rage is the Hot-Hot Fruit—"

I blinked in recognition. "Which lets you control thermal energy, so that a person can burn people just with their mere _presence!?_ "

Vivi and Carue suddenly snapped forward and grabbed my collar, all but shoving their faces in mine. " _You know where it is?"_ they demanded.

"Grgh, maybe, _maybe_ I know where it is!" I hedged frantically. "I-It's like what happened with Navarone, it's a story that's not a part of the original one! But, ah, yeah, if it works out that way, then we should be meeting its user not long after we leave Water 7."

"Please tell me that he's despicable enough that I can kill him without any regrets," Vivi hissed desperately.

"Eh…" I waved my hand side to side hesitantly. "Heeee's on the borderline. Utter sadist to his enemies… and a good father to his _children."_

Vivi processed that and plopped back down, a grimace on her face. " _Fuck._ Ugh… think he'd be willing to move to Alabasta for an extravagant bribe?"

"Weeell," I looked upwards thoughtfully. "He _is_ a bounty hunter… and I suppose that if enough pirate ships attack Alabasta on a regular basis—!"

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

"Eh?" I was snapped out of my thoughts by Soundbite suddenly ringing. I gave Vivi an apologetic shrug before motioning for him to answer.

" _KA-LICK! So, Cross, are you finished with your attempted suicides, or should I call back later?"_ Tashigi ground out without preamble.

"Please, compared to Kaido, I might as well be a safety nut," I chuckled dryly, before hastily sobering up. "But yeah, let's get down to business _and not a word about Huns!"_ I snapped, causing Soundbite to chuckle sheepishly. I then refocused my gaze. "Anyways… I've been working for you for a while, Fishstick, now it's time for you to pay it back."

" _Huh?"_

"I need you to help me make a call."

 **-o-**

Boss grimaced ferociously as he finally reached the window where he could see the crew's archaeologist, hunched over and looking at nothing. In any other situation, he'd have been concerned with how dead to the world she looked, but given the disproportionate amount of effort that it had taken to get there, he was right out of sympathy. And so, without any preamble, he scrabbled with the edge of the window, flung it open, and the next moment found him dropping onto the seat across from Robin, his rope-dart snapping the window shut behind him.

The archaeologist blinked at him in surprise for a second and Boss gnashed his teeth.

[What the _hell_ were you thinking, turning yourself in like that!? Did you _seriously_ expect us to… not… follow… aaaand you can't understand a word I'm saying because that damn snail's nowhere nearby, right…] the Dugong trailed off flatly as he ground his flipper into his forehead. Rolling his eyes, he began moving his flippers in a well-practiced pattern that he had dusted off in his free time since joining the crew.

{I'm assuming a genius like you knows Grand Line Standard Sign Language?} he asked.

Robin blinked again in surprise. "I'm surprised that _you_ do, Mister Dugong," she said at last.

{I'm a Dugong of many talents.} Boss's flat expression did wonders to communicate his deadpan tone. {Now, to pick up where I left off…} He scowled indignantly. {What the _hell_ do you think you're doing!? Did you honestly think we _wouldn't_ chase you, that we _wouldn't_ fight tooth and nail!? Because if you did think we wouldn't, you're an idjit and that's insulting, and if you did think we'd come, then this is all just _insane!}_

Robin grimaced at that, pointedly not looking Boss in the eyes. "I-I didn't have a _choice,_ Mister Dugong. I-If I'd stayed with you all, then you would have been _killed._ The Government—!"

{ _Fuck_ the Government!} Boss enunciated with a violent slash of his arms. {In case you've missed the memo, lady, we're _pirates,_ we—!}

The Dugong was cut off by the sound of the door to the car creaking open, which prompted him to leap forwards into Robin's lap and slide his rope-dart under her seat before going limp, his tongue half-stuck out of his mouth.

The archaeologist only had a second to blink at him in surprised confusion before the Government agent reached her seat.

"Just checking up on y—!" the agent started to say before tensing and snapping a hand to his belt. "What the heck is that?"

Thanks to her years of practice, Robin didn't even miss a beat as she hoisted Boss's limp form by his shoulders and held him out. "A Dugong doll. I found it beneath a seat. Most likely a child lost it and your comrades missed it when they swept the car earlier. I thought it was cute, so I held onto it. Will that be an issue?"

The agent eyed her skeptically for a second before leaning in to look Boss over. He slowly inspected him up and down, scrutinizing every detail he could find. Finally, the agent raised his finger and poked the Dugong's fuzzy upper lip—

 _Ppphhbbbt!_

—which caused the agent and Robin to jump in shock on account of the farting sound that came from Boss's mouth as a result.

Robin swiftly recovered as she retracted Boss into her lap. "I was unaware that he was capable of that. Thank you, I'm sure it'll be amusing while I wait for us to arrive."

The agent snorted as he removed his hand from his belt and started walking away. "Whatever floats your boat, I guess."

The two pirates remained silent until the car door shut, at which point Boss leapt out of her lap, retrieved his rope-dart, and settled into the opposite seat again before facing her with a paper-flat expression. {You owe me _so much_ it's not even remotely funny.}

Robin's expression soured at that. "I'm afraid that I won't be free to repay you any time in the near future, Mister—"

{Cut the 'Mister' crap!} Boss all but slammed his flippers together as he signed. {We are _friends_ , damn it, not friendly acquaintances! Now drop the ice queen act and be straight with me!} He leveled a glare equal parts scrutiny and rage at Robin. {Why did you leave? Why did you _refuse_ to trust in our strength?! The Straw Hats beat Crocodile, we beat _God—!}_

"And compared to the World Government, those two were _nothing!"_ Robin spat viciously, her frustration with the Dugong shattering her mask. "You're just one crew of pirates! Extraordinary compared to most, but you number barely over a dozen, whereas the World Government's resources and troops are _infinite!_ They have acted as a global monolith for nearly eight hundred years, unflinching, unimpeded, _undefeatable!"_ The wind drained out of Robin's sails as she seemed to shrink in on herself. "I've seen what happens when someone is caught trying to defy the World Government's command… the sheer force they can bring to bear…"

{That doesn't matter to us!} Boss insisted. {However many troops they send, we'll fight back! However hard they come at us, we'll come back twice as tough! We'll fight to the bitter end, Robin, and we won't _stop_ fighting even a second before then!}

"They tried to fight back too…"

Robin's words caused Boss to pause in his signing as he stared at her in shock. In the span of a few moments, she'd… _changed._ In place of her heat and iron was… _terror._ Pure, undiluted fear and horror, shining like beacons in her eyes as she shuddered in place.

"They fought…" she whispered, though Boss wasn't entirely certain she was speaking to him anymore. "They tried to fight back, so many of them did, but they crushed them all… they crushed _him…_ They burned it all, destroyed it all, they reduced it all to ash…" She shook her head desperately. "I can't… I can't watch that happen… not again… _never_ _again..._ "

Before Boss's horrified gaze, Robin slowly curled in on herself in an effort to make herself smaller, drawing her knees to her chest and hugging them tightly as she buried her face in her knees. Then…

" _Dereshi… dereshishishi… dereshishishi…"_

She started laughing even as she cried. It sounded… odd, like it belonged to someone else, but it was completely and utterly _drowned_ in grief. Boss shivered as the sound froze the blood in his veins, but he hastily recovered and leapt forwards, rapping his fist against her skull. [Wake up, damn it!]

Robin jerked at the blow, and while she didn't uncurl from her position, she at least stopped that… _laughing._

She remained frozen for a moment before slowly tilting her head so that a single eye gazed at Boss, her expression utterly inscrutable.

"I'm glad that you're the one who came to speak to me, Boss," she said in a voice devoid of emotion.

The Dugong tensed as an uneasy feeling came over him. {And… why is that, exactly?}

"Simple."

In an instant, a quartet of arms snapped out of Boss's torso and wrapped around his body, effectively paralyzing his flippers while another pair wrenched the window open.

"Because I doubt anyone else would be able to survive this."

Boss's complexion took on a distinctly blue overtone. [Oh, you have got to be _kidding—!]_

And without further ado Robin tossed him out the window, slamming it shut behind him.

A minute later, the agent from earlier entered the car again and blinked in surprise. "The heck—? What happened to that doll you had earlier?"

Robin gave the agent a disinterested glance before returning to staring out at the storm raging around them. "I outgrew it."

The agent rolled his eyes and prepared to leave.

"Ah, and before I forget," Robin spoke up, turning a bored eye to him. "If you would be so kind as to call in one of the Cipher Pol agents? I need to have a word with them."

 **-o-**

Sanji growled viciously as he glared daggers at the 'member' of Cipher Pol 9 standing just out of his range. "Enough of this…" he bit out. "You've wasted enough of my time as is. Robin-chwan needs her prince charming, and I intend to be there for her! I'm ending this, right here…" He drew one of his feet back and tensed it. "Right now! APERI—!"

Without any warning, a blur shot over the edge of the train car, grabbing both of the combatants' attention.

Nero blinked in confusion. "The heck—?"

 _CRUNCH!_

That was all he got out before Boss—hanging onto the end of his rope-dart, the 'dart' part of the weapon hooked onto the edge of the roof—swung into his face tail-first, launching him off the Tom and into the raging waters of the ocean before he could so much as even _react._

Sanji blinked in surprise before slowly lowering his leg. "Well, that was certainly anti-climactic," he muttered, then snapped his focus to Boss as he finished reeling his weapon in. "And what are you even doing here?! You were supposed to be making your way to Robin-chwan!"

[I did get to Robin! That bitch threw me—!] Boss cut his indignant barking off with a snarl as he hastily swapped to indignant signing. {That bitch threw me out of a train!}

"Hey, don't talk about Robin-Chwan that way!" Sanji snapped in a heated tone.

{I'LL TALK ABOUT HER HOWEVER I DAMN WELL CHOOSE, SHE THREW ME OUT OF A SPEEDING TRAIN!}

"AS IF THAT COULD ACTUALLY HURT YOU!"

Boss paused before continuing at a more sedate pace. {Well… yeah, but it's the principle of the matter, you know?}

Sanji ground his cigarette between his teeth before huffing out a sigh. "Just… come on, let's go," he ground out, stepping forward.

{Lead on.}

As they were moving on to the next car, Boss shot Sanji a quizzical look. {By the way, I didn't honestly expect much of anyone else besides the crew's obvious suspects to know sign language. There a story behind that?}

Beneath his ever-present bang, Sanji's hidden eye twitched. Outwardly, however, he kept his cool and shrugged. "Not really. We had deaf customers at the Baratie now and then; after I butchered my first time taking their orders, the old geezer I worked for made sure it wouldn't happen again. It was a bit annoying, yes, but you'd be amazed how many ladies are impressed by an educated—"

Without any warning, the two suddenly snapped so that they were back-to-back.

"Did you hear something?" Sanji asked, his unobstructed eye practically on a swivel, barely sparing enough effort to comprehend Boss' signing.

{Yeah, the storm covered it up but it sounded famili—wait, now I remember!} Boss slapped a fin to his head. {'Course, that was the sound of a door… un… locking…}

The two looked down nervously. "Uh-oh…"/[Uh-oh...]

Before they could even so much as think of reacting, the roof opened beneath them and they fell into the car below. They didn't land on their faces, their scant forewarning made sure of that, but they _did_ land in the midst of all four of CP9's thoroughly unimpressed agents, with Robin standing behind them.

Boss took a moment to glance around at their surroundings before giving Sanji a flat look. { _Now_ can I be pissed at her?}

"… Maybe a little," the cook reluctantly conceded.

 **-o-**

"Oh, yeah, is that right?!" I bellowed at the person on the other end of Soundbite's connection. "Well, you know what, _screw you!"_ And with that I jerked my hand across my neck, prompting my snail to cut the connection.

"Cross—!" Vivi started to speak up, but I silenced her with a raised finger.

We waited in silence for a few seconds…

" _Puru puru puru-KA-LICK!"_

Until Soundbite started ringing again, at which point I picked up again with an _innocent_ smile. "Yeeeeees?" I purred.

"… _539-263-678."_

Soundbite nodded confidently, prompting me to widen my grin. "Thaaank yoooou."

" _Get bent. KA-LICK!"_

I shot a grin at Vivi. "And _that_ is how it's done."

"…Impressive," the princess conceded.

" _Thank you, come again,"_ Soundbite chortled.

"Oh, no, not that farce," Vivi scoffed. "Honestly, that was some of the most ham-handed negotiating I've ever seen in my life, and I use that term in the loosest way possible."

"Hilarious," I drawled with a flat look.

"No, what I'm referring to is how quickly you managed to rile her up. Usually Valentine manages to keep her head in the name of pissing off others, but you managed to make her blow her top. _That's_ impressive."

I promptly adopted a proud smile. "What can I say, it's a god-given gift!"

"Still…" Vivi eyed Soundbite curiously. "How'd you know she'd call you back?"

My grin took on a cocky overtone. "I banked on her volume getting Bartolomeo's attention. She might hate my guts, but he likes us and he doesn't take disrespect lightly. There wasn't any possible scenario where I _wasn't_ getting that number."

"Huh…" Vivi shrugged slightly. "Alright, so maybe I'm a _bit_ more impressed. So, are you going to call that number now?"

"COULDN'T EVEN IF _WE WANTED TO!"_ Soundbite replied before I could. " **No Transceiver,** _ **no broadcasting boost.**_ **I NEED IT** _ **TO MAKE INTERNATIONAL CALLS!"**_

"Unfortunate," I conceded. "But with any luck the away team will bring it back with them and we'll be back in business before we reach Enies, so I'll be able to enact the next stage of what I've got planned."

"Cawe tah _shawe_ juhst waht zis pwan of yours ish?" Carue asked in a doubtful tone.

"Mmm…" I hummed contemplatively as I considered the question before smiling innocently. "Nah! I think I'll keep it a surprise for now!"

The supersonic duck slapped a wing to his face with an exasperated groan. "Ah dunno what I wath exshpecting…"

"Nagagagaga!" Kokoro chortled. "I wouldn't expect anything else from him."

Carue huffed.

"Well!" Vivi announced. "Now that it seems like the only thing we have left to do is wait, anyone up for a game of gin rummy?"

I made to respond—

"LOOK OUT! AQUA LAGUNA, DEAD AHEAD!"

—and instead grinned eagerly. "Sorry, some other time. Right now, I'm much more interested in watching the kick-ass show that's about to happen! LUFFY! ZORO!" I called out, grabbing the attention of the two Monsters with us. "You're up! And for names, I suggest rounding it up to Three Hundred Pounds!"

"Right," the two nodded as they marched out to the engine.

I looked around at the rest of our crewmates. "Anyone else want in on this?"

"Eh…" Chopper tilted his head thoughtfully for a moment before shaking it in denial. "I'd better not. Sure, it'd be a great way to test my latest formula, but I think it'd be more prudent to conserve my ammunition until we hit the Lobby proper."

"Ditto," Usopp concurred.

The TDWS looked at Leo, who was sporting an uncomfortable grimace. "I would, but the fact is that I'm still sandbagging whenever Zoro can see me so that he doesn't crush me like a seashell."

"And I honestly do not have the firepower, so I'm right out, too," Lassoo muttered before rolling over and going back to sleep.

"Suit yourselves!" I shrugged as I jogged up to the engine. "But still, I suggest you guys keep an eye out! Things are about to get e~pi~c!"

With that, I ran out into the Rocketman's engine cabin, got a firm grip on a railing as I hung myself out the window… and promptly found myself at a loss for words.

"Hooooooly _shit!"_

" **DAMN STRAIGHT!"**

Well, any _intelligent_ words, anyway, but honestly, it wasn't like it was my fault.

Aqua Laguna… geeze, where to even begin?

I… I suppose that the closest approximation that I can think of would be to call it an elemental variation of the Red Line. Where the Red Line replaced the horizon with pure stone, Aqua Laguna replaced it with water. Innumerable metric _tons—_ not even gallons, _tons—_ of ocean, rising up and rushing at us almost as fast as we were rushing at _it._ It could even be defined as _grander_ , because unlike the Red Line, which held a majestic silence, Aqua Laguna came at us with an almighty _roar_ that dwarfed any Sea King I'd ever heard in my life.

The simplest way to summarize it?

"I think we might have a few too many Devil Fruit users on board," I whispered around my face-splitting grin. "Because holy _hell_ is the ocean fucking _pissed off at us!"_

"YA GOT THAT _right,_ _ **sonny boy!"**_ Soundbite cackled eagerly.

"ALL HANDS, PREPARE TO FIRE! HURRY, OR ELSE IT'S GOING TO SWALLOW US WHOLE!"

However, it seemed like the Franky Family didn't quite share my enthusiasm for the wonders that our ever-abusive Mother Nature had to offer.

I snapped my fingers at Soundbite before twisting my head to look back at the Franky's trailer home. "BELAY THAT!" I bellowed out. "I TOLD YOU BEFORE, DON'T SHOOT AT THE WAVE! YOU'LL JUST BURN AMMUNITION FOR NOTHING!"

" _WHAT!?"_ Zambai shouted back incredulously. "BUT IF OUR GUNS ARE USELESS, THEN HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET THROUGH THIS DAMN THING!?"

"EASY! WE USE SOMETHING BETTER THAN ANY NUMBER OF GUNS AND CANNONS!"

" _Gum-Gum—!"_

" _Three-Hundred Caliber—!_

I snapped my focus back to the wave, my grin going from ear to ear and looking no doubt utterly _demented._ "A pissed off Luffy and Zoro working in tandem. Now, START TAKING PICTURES!"

" _CANNON!"_

I honestly think that the most impressive part of the attack wasn't the sound, but rather the sudden _absence_ of sound that followed the attack. The roar of Rocket Man, the roar of Laguna, the roar of the _storm—_ hell, there wasn't even a storm at this point, the sheer force of the cannon had blasted away all of the rain around us!

It really just went to show: Mother Nature was strong, sure… but we pirates, who braved her wrath on a daily basis for the _fun of it?_ We outclassed her by a complete and utter _factor._ And that was clear for the duration of the time that Rocketman… well, rocketed along the track through the watery tunnel, split like the Red Sea all around us until, at last, we emerged on the other side.

Of course, the silence couldn't last forever, and was promptly broken by Zambai crying out in tearful euphoria. "WE SURVIVED!" he cheered. "WE ACTUALLY BEAT AQUA LAGUNA!"

"It's a good thing that we made friends with them, huh, Mozu?" Kiwi muttered from where she was staring out of the car. She then paused and glanced back at her sister before starting in shock when she caught sight of the green hue she'd adopted. "Mozu!?"

The other square sister shuddered in terror. "I-If it weren't for the SBS, the Straw Hats would have just been another pirate crew coming into Water 7… and then Zambai and his guys would have—!"

Kiwi paled in horror as she followed her sibling's logic. " _So glad_ that we made friends with them," she repeated in a far more sickly tone.

I chuckled in amusement as I slid back to safety and started to walk back into the car—

"Why do you need our help?"

—before pausing as Paulie stepped in front of me, looking pensive and slightly confused.

"Not," he held his hand up placatingly. "That we wouldn't come anyway, we all want our pounds of flesh, but I'm just curious is all. Try and clear this up for me: why do you need our help when you guys are so strong already?"

I took a second to ponder that before shrugging indifferently. "Because strong as we are, Enies Lobby is a World Government installation garrisoned with several thousand troops. We need your help to take down them down because we can't handle an army on our own yet."

Paulie considered that for a second before nodding in understanding. "Yeah, alright, that's fair."

I nodded and continued walking away, then grinned when I heard Paulie choke behind me.

"Wait… ' _yet'!?"_

" _ **We gon' be BADASSES?"**_ Soundbite giggled ecstatically.

" _Such_ badasses," I confirmed gleefully.

"But you already _knew_ that."

Our attention was diverted to Nami, who was standing by the car door, a somewhat playful look on her face.

"After all, _Wyvern,_ " she nodded her head at me. "Managed to take down a whole ship of bounty hunters on his own, remember?"

" _MMMYEAH,"_ Soundbite hummed, nodding his head in agreement before grinning toothily. " **BUT IT'S** _ **still nice to get**_ **confirmation,** _ya know?"_

Nami rolled her eyes with an exasperated but nonetheless fond sigh. "Yeah, well, I guess…" She then focused her attention on me. "Still, speaking of confirmation, mind sharing what's coming up next?"

I glanced upward as I started to wrack my brains. However, I didn't get very far into my thoughts when Soundbite suddenly grinned eagerly.

" _Oh oh oh,_ I GOT THIS ONE! _**Yo, T-Bone,**_ **how's the weather?"**

" _Rather horrible, I'm afraid, my dear Soundbite,"_ T-Bone's groaning voice filtered throughout the car. " _I'm soaked straight to the bone… though honestly, I suppose that's not saying much, is it?"_

"Heh, skull-joke, nice!" I snickered.

"W-Wait, that's _Captain T-Bone!?"_ Mozu yelped.

"That's not good!" Kiwi cried in panic. "That man's known as the Ship-Slasher! He's a Captain straight from HQ with a reputation for dismantling pirate ships with his blade alone, carving them apart like steaks! He's going to cut us to pieces!"

There was a brief instant of silence before Soundbite frowned grimly. " _You're transmitting me to the whole of the train you pulled out of nowhere?"_ he asked testily.

"Ah, keep your shirt on and let me handle this," I scoffed, rolling my eyes before raising my voice. "Alright, listen up everyone! Yes, that _is_ Captain T-Bone of Marine HQ, but do _not_ worry. He's an ally of ours and he's _not_ going to hack us to pieces. Don't worry, we're safe. Just make sure not to spread the fact that we do know him…" I grinned malefically. "Or else he really _will_ hunt you down and hack you to pieces."

T-Bone sighed wearily as the non-Straw Hats in the car clamped their hands over their mouths. " _I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't turn me into a boogeyman, Cross."_

"But your face makes it so _easy~!"_ I sang.

" _Mmrph…"_ T-Bone grunted before his expression became solemn. " _I'd also appreciate it if you didn't make promises that you can't keep."_

I blinked in confusion. "Eh?"

Cold sweat suddenly started trailed down Soundbite's body. "AH, CROSS? _I just noticed something. THERE ARE THREE_ _ **TRAIN CARS**_ **FLOATING FREE UP AHEAD…"** The trail of sweat evolved into a cascade. " _ **But T-Bone's still on the tracks!"**_

" _EH!?"_ I squawked in shock. "What-!? T-Bone, what the hell do you think you're playing at!?"

" _I am truly sorry, Jeremiah Cross,"_ T-Bone intoned in a voice not unlike a funeral dirge. " _But I have no choice. So long as you and yours make for Enies Lobby, I have no other choice but to oppose you."_

"Are you _kidding me!?"_ I demanded, jerking Soundbite off my shoulder and into my palm so that I look him in the eye. "Then what the hell happened to MI5, huh, to defending justice, righteousness!? Was that all a lie!?"

" _Do not mistake my intentions, Jeremiah!"_ the captain barked back with just as much heat. " _This is not a matter of morality, your righteousness was never in question! This is a matter of_ strength! _Strength of body, strength of will, strength of_ conviction, _nothing more and nothing less!"_

I balked in confusion, and Nami and I exchanged hesitant looks before she spoke up. "What… exactly are you talking about?"

T-Bone snorted grimly. " _I am sorry, Miss Navigator, but Jeremiah Cross is an integral factor in our crusade! Like or not, whether we shall succeed or fail rests upon his survival! And now he makes for the lion's den…"_ He bowed his head apologetically. " _I am sympathetic to your plight, truly I am, but you now make for the lion's den at all speeds and I… I cannot let you continue any further! At least…"_ He looked back up, and I swear to God I felt a paper cut on my finger just from that gaze. " _Not without a test! RORONOA ZORO!"_ he suddenly roared at the top of his lungs. " _I KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR ME! PRESENT YOURSELF AT ONCE!"_

Soundbite provided Zoro's reaction from where he stood on the nose of the train, cocking his eyebrow flatly. " _What do you want?"_ he asked.

T-Bone ground his teeth. " _Roronoa, your crew's cause is just, but your destination is beyond perilous! As such, I have no choice but to test you all! The strength of your blade will determine whether or not you are truly worthy of continuing your quest, or if your endeavor was doomed from the start! FROM ONE SWORDSMAN TO ANOTHER, I CHALLENGE YOU! EARN YOUR RIGHT TO CONTINUE YOUR QUEST TO SAVE YOUR COMRADE, OR RETURN FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!"_

Zoro didn't even hesitate to grin savagely. " _As if I would ever say—!"_

"WAIT!"

Everyone looked around in surprise for a few seconds, at least, up until a Dugong clad in a blue bandanna strode forward.

"I'll take you on," Leo announced. Zoro's reaction was merely to raise an eyebrow. Everyone else… not so much. The rest of the TDWS were particularly vocal.

"Leo, what the _hell—!?"_ Raphey spat.

"Dude, are you _insane!?"_ Mikey squawked.

"Leo, if Boss finds out about this—!" Donny started to protest.

Leo weathered them all for a second with a clenched jaw—

" _SHUUUT UUUP!"_

Before throwing his head back and roaring at the top of his lungs, killing any remaining protests in their respective throats.

The Dugong huffed for a second as he got his breath back before speaking. "Now listen up, all of you," he snarled as he cast a glare about. "Let me make this clear… if Zoro fights that captain, right here and right now, then he will win, we will move on…" He jabbed his 'finger' at Soundbite. "And it will all mean absolutely _nothing!"_

T-Bone gave Leo a flat look. " _What are you talking about, Dugong?"_

"I'm talking about the fact that a chain is only as strong as its weakest link," Leo growled firmly. "Zoro can beat you, sure, but what will that prove, that one of our strongest is strong enough? _No."_ He shook his head. "It would be utterly pointless! You want to duel with a swordsman? You want to see how strong we truly are? Then you'll fight _me!"_ Leo slammed his fist into his chest before adopting a scowl. "And besides… this was my fight from the second you uttered your challenge."

He slapped his flipper on the floor of the car. "For the duration of this voyage, this Sea Train is our ship, and we Dugongs are the ships' _guards!_ It is our _duty_ to protect this train with all that we are, and all that we have to give! If I cannot stop you, if I cannot fulfill my duty…" Leo flung his fist out furiously. "THEN WE HAVE NO RIGHT TO CHALLENGE ENIES LOBBY!"

Stunned silence fell—or as silent as you could get in the middle of a storm like this—for the next half minute. Then Luffy broke it.

" _Do you think you can win, Leo?"_ he asked seriously.

The Dugong jerked his head with an indignant snort. "I _know_ I can,"

" _Well, then, you'd better get up here, because I can see the Steak-Man!"_

A pause, and then a chorus of facepalms rang out. Even _Zoro_ could be heard slapping a hand to his face.

"We really should have seen that one coming," Usopp groused.

Nonetheless, Leo swiftly pulled himself together and nodded firmly. "I'm on my way." With that, he leapt to a window—

"…go, Leo, go…"

And paused when a soft voice sounded out. He twisted his head around to stare at the source.

Mikey met Leo's gaze before slowly pumping his fist and speaking again. "Go, Leo, go," he repeated solemnly.

Raphey and Donny gaped at Mikey for a second before glancing at one another and then gaining determined expressions of their own. "Go, Leo, go," they chorused with Mikey, pumping their fists in synch with him.

Chopper, Usopp and Carue joined in for the next round. "Go, Leo, go."

The Square Sisters entered on the next, adding a degree of energy to the cheer. "Go, Leo, go!"

Then came the Galley-La employees, with Tilestone's bellowing amping it up by another factor _._ "Go, Leo, go!"

And finally the Franky Family as a whole joined their voices to the chorus, turning it into a straight-up _roar._ "GO, LEO, GO! GO, LEO, GO! _GO, LEO, GO!"_

Nami winced and dug a finger into her ear. "Good grief, they're loud…" she mumbled.

"Gotta admit it's pretty epic, though, right?" I said.

Our navigator allowed the corner of her lips to quirk up. "Well, I never said that it _wasn't…"_

I chuckled a bit before turning my attention to Leo, who was still balancing in the window, and I couldn't help but feel my heart swell at the sight of the tears shining in his eyes. Sadly, I only got a glimpse of them before he blinked them away in favor of a gaze of pure _steel_ before flipping out of the window and up to the roof.

I cackled eagerly as I ripped my jacket's hood up and shoved Soundbite onto my shoulder. "Oh, no way in _hell_ am I missing out on this!" And with that, I ran out between the engine and the car and climbed up onto the roof.

The sheer Gs of being on the roof of a speeding train? Insane.

The rain and seaspray whipping into me? Freezing as all hell.

The effort required to stay standing on the slick steel surface of the Rocketman without falling into the drink? Impossible if not for Zoro's training and the convenient smokestack to cling to.

The scene of complete and utter epicness arrayed before me?

 _Worth it in more ways than I can possibly describe._

"IS THIS ANOTHER OF YOUR MASTER'S ROMANCES, YOUNG DUGONG?" T-Bone roared over the raging of the ocean. Squinting ahead, I could barely make out his gaunt form on the tracks.

"NO!" Leo shouted back, tightening his bandana's knot as he balanced on Rocketman's nose. "TO DEFEND ONE'S HONOR AT ALL COSTS, AND TO PUT ONE'S LIFE ON THE LINE FOR THE SAKE OF ONE'S FRIENDS IS NOT A MATTER OF A MAN'S ROMANCE! RATHER!" In a flash of movement and steel, the Dugong drew his blades and slammed them together, one blade held horizontal before his face, while the other was twisted into a vertical position so that the blades formed a cross of steel. "IT IS A MATTER OF A MAN'S _PRIDE!"_

T-Bone snorted as he drew his blade up and positioned it horizontally over his brow. "SMOOTH SOARING BIRD: BONE…!"

Leo tensed even further. "Two Sword Style..." He whispered to himself, audible only with Soundbite's aid.

The Captain uncoiled in a single smooth motion, sending a wave of pure force _ripping_ through the air as it swooped and spun towards us at absolutely insane speeds. " _PHOENIX!"_

The Dugong swordsman stood firm even as the attack came ever closer, eyes squeezed shut and teeth grit…

Until the attack was a few feet away, at which point he snapped his eyes open… and they _blazed._

"Cross of the Baptist."

In the space of an instant, Leo _moved._

And in that same instant, T-Bone's attack was annihilated, and the Captain himself sent flying through the air, blood flying from both his slack jaws and the cross-shaped slash carved clear through his armor and into his chest.

I winced sympathetically even as I felt a surge of satisfaction.

" **Brutal…"** Soundbite whispered in awe.

Leo panted as he let his swords hang slack before drawing himself upright and slowly spinning his blades into his sheathes. "Thank you, Captain T-Bone…" he whispered breathlessly before sliding his blades the rest of the way in. "For justifying my position on this crew."

 _CLONK!_

"YEOW!" Leo snapped his flippers to his skull when Luffy and Zoro rapped their fists over it. "WHAT THE HELL, BASTARDS!"

"That was for doubting your right to be on my crew!" Luffy snorted indignantly.

" _And_ for holding back," Zoro added, paralyzing the Dugong with his frigid glare. "When this is all said and done, we're going at it on Water 7 and we're not stopping until you've given me _everything_ you've got. _Got it?"_

The only response Leo could muster was a pained whimper.

I chuckled as I watched Leo shrink back from Zoro before sliding back down to the engine and car coupling. Well, that was sufficiently epic. Now, to get out of these sopping-soaked clothes and—!

I paused midway through taking my hat off and stared thoughtfully at it for a second before grinning madly and running into the car.

"Hey, Usopp!" I called out, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "Got a rush job for you, priority one, ASAP!"

 **-o-**

"Alright, beret girl," Franky said, cracking his knuckles. "Are you ready?"

"You keep asking that question. I'm starting to wonder if it means what you think it means," Conis dryly replied.

The cyborg cocked an eyebrow in interest. "Huh. Sarcasm. I didn't think a sweet girl like you had it in her."

Conis pointedly spun one of her pistols around her finger. "I'm a trained commando armed to the teeth who has a fox as a companion. I've got it in me, I just keep it buried."

"Su su~!" Su yipped proudly.

Franky shrugged as he flipped his palm open. "Fair enough. Alright, go in three."

Conis spun to face the door and raised her leg. " _Three."_

 _SMASH!_

The door shot out of its frame like a cannon… and only got a scant few feet before being reduced to _sawdust._

Franky and Conis darted into the car behind the door, and they had their weapons up and ready just as the cloud was starting to settle.

When the dust cleared, it revealed that all four Cipher Pol agents ready and waiting with guns in hand and aimed at the pirates, with Robin standing in the corner behind them.

All in all, it was a perfectly textbook Mexican standoff… save for a single detail.

"Why are you all pointing your guns at _me?"_ Conis protested in a tone that was dangerously close to a whine, in spite of nearly a half-dozen firearms being pointed at varying parts of her body.

"Because Franky's bulletproof," Kaku deadpanned.

" _SUPER_ bulletproof, squarenose!" Franky barked with an indignant scowl. "Tsk, you never _did_ say it right…"

"Well, while we're being honest, I'd like to throw my own hat in the ring," Kalifa spoke up. "Do us all a favor and get over that mountain you call an ego, you puffed-up gorilla."

Franky glowered for a second more before smirking wryly. "Y'know, maybe you _should_ take Cross' advice and try being more bubbly," he remarked.

Kalifa looked as though she'd bitten into a lemon… or a Devil Fruit. "I would sooner kiss that bastard than take his advice."

Kaku smirked slightly. "I'll second—!"

" _Enough."_

Kalifa and Kaku's expressions promptly wiped themselves clean as Lucci's voice all but whipped through the air.

The lead agent eyed the two pirates. "Surrender now and you will be taken in alive. Resist, and you will be terminated."

Franky scoffed as he cracked his head to the side. "Two things. A: if Cross was right about even _one_ layer of Impel Down—and there is a SUPER amount of evidence to support that!—then death is better than being taken alive. And B: those Iron Bodies of yours are pretty SUPER, sure, I know that better than anyone…" Franky grinned malevolently as he raised his scope to his eyeline and twisted his wrist, causing the scope's focus to zero in. "But one flaw I couldn't ever fix in me were the _eyes._ You guys have any better luck?"

Kaku, Kalifa and Blueno flinched infinitesimally, all of them instinctively snapping one of their eyes shut.

Lucci, however, remained entirely unfazed as he stared down Franky's barrel. "I would advise against such a course of action."

"And why would that be?" Conis asked testily as she alternated her targets.

"Because if you should harm any of us…" Lucci stepped aside, and Conis and Franky tensed at the sight that was revealed. "Then these two will die."

Boss and Sanji were lying prone on the ground, each held down by a dozen autonomous arms and both with a significant number of the limbs wrapped around their necks.

"Sorry, my dear Conis," Sanji wept somewhat dramatically. "We ran into something of a snag."

[Snag nothing!] Boss barked indignantly. [What we ran into is a _hostile fucking host—_ GRK!] The Dugong was cut off by a foot stamping his face into the carpet.

"Be quiet," Kalifa ordered.

"What happened to Robin's condition to not go after any of us?" Conis growled.

"You're the ones who came after us. Therefore, your argument is irrelevant," Blueno replied tonelessly.

"And they won't harm you if you just _go!"_ Robin insisted with more than a little desperation. "Just leave me! This is my choice! If you all were to sacrifice yourselves for my sake, then my life…" She hugged herself with a desperate shudder. "Then my life would have no meaning…"

"As Straw Hat would say, for someone so smart, you're _really_ stupid, Nico Robin," Franky said.

Robin was silent for a moment before smiling tearfully. "And as Cross would no doubt say… love and fear make people do stupid things."

"Enough with the semantics." Lucci's voice chopped through the conversation like a guillotine. "For now, it would seem as though we are at an impasse."

Silence fell for a single second before Robin spoke again, her head bowed. "Please just leave. You'll be safe if you just do the right thing and _leave me,"_ she begged.

Conis shook her head. "I'm sorry, Robin, but we can't do—"

 _Clink-clink!_

All noise in the car stopped as the tinkling sound of glass drew everyone's attention to the center of the room, where a smoking vial was rolling to a halt.

"Su su~!" Su announced triumphantly as she spread her paws in the closest approximation to peace signs she could manage.

Rob Lucci scowled darkly. "Oh, you _little—!"_

 _FWOOM!_

The pink smokescreen that exploded into the car a moment later drowned out the remainder of Lucci's words, along with the barrage of gunfire that blasted out as everyone fired their guns at once.

"Damn it, I can't see worth shit!"

"Stop them, now!"

"Easy for you to say, not all of us are Zoans!"

"Gah, who just bit me!?"

[My bad!]

"Agh! No, let go of me!"

"I got her! Now come on, let's get out of here! 1.5 COLA! COUP DE—!"

"Look out, he's going to use—!"

" _BOO!"_

 _PPPHHBBBT!_

"OH, THAT IS _RANK!_ WHAT THE HELL, FRANKY!?"

"Ugh… fuck this, I need a smoke."

" _NO, WAIT, DON'T—!"_

CLI— **KA-BOOM!**

The resultant explosion blasted the train car in half, launching the Cipher Pol agents into the half still attached to the train engine, while the Straw Hats landed in the other half.

"I'm sorry, Sanji…" Conis groaned as she lifted her dust-clogged goggles from her eyes. "But that was _not_ your brightest moment."

"In my defense…" the cook pointed into the air with a slight slur. "I might or might not have gotten kicked in the head a few times. _And_ it's also all Franky's fault."

"Hey, it worked, didn't it?" the Cyborg scoffed as he stood up. He then grinned triumphantly as he realized that he was still carrying someone under his arm. "And I mean it _all_ worked! We got Nico Robin! How's that for _SUPER?"_

"How'd you find her, anyways?" Conis questioned.

"Eh, just grabbed the first person with breasts and no wings that I could find. Though…" Franky frowned in confusion. "It's weird, I coulda _sworn_ that she was bigger…"

"That's sexual harassment."

Franky's eyes shot wide in terror. "Oh, _shi—!"_

 _THWOCK!_

" _Hoorgh!"_ His words devolved into a pained groan as he folded around the elbow Kalifa had buried in his gut.

The pirates all stared in horror as the blonde agent stood up and dusted herself off.

"B-But if she's here—!" Conis stammered.

"Then it means that you all have _lost,"_ Kalifa confirmed. An instant after she finished speaking, a thorn-like whip snapped from the other half of the car a few metres away and wrapped itself around the other half.

"Owowowow _ow!"_ Kaku winced as he struggled to hold the cars together, the whip digging through his Iron Body. "How do you even _use_ this thing, dagnabbit?!"

"It's all in the grip," Kalifa called over her shoulder. She then affixed Franky with a glare. "Now, as for _you—!"_ She proceeded to slam her heel into the Cyborg's jaw, launching him to the side… and through a door that had opened into the air and into Blueno's waiting arms.

"In case it bears repeating…" Kalifa adjusted her glasses as she started to step through the door herself. "You are under arrest."

"And just where do you think you're going?" Conis demanded as she clawed her way to her feet, legs shaking as they did their utmost best to support both her and her bazooka, while Boss forced his way into a tentative kneeling position with his fist.

"To Enies Lobby, of course." Kalifa tossed her hair as she turned to leave. "You're free to follow us if you so choose, but honestly, if you have any respect for your crewmate?" She gripped the edge of the 'doorway'. "Stay away."

Boss leapt forwards, Conis was flung on her ass as she fired…

And both missed spectacularly as the door slammed shut.

An instant later, a door opened in the air on the remaining traincar, disgorging its three occupants and prompting Kaku to release the whip he was clutching.

In a matter of seconds, the Puffing Tom was almost a mile away and all the pirates could do was _stare_.

Boss ground his cigar between his teeth for a moment before slowly starting to sign. {We're going after them, right?}

"Damn straight," Sanji bit out darkly before shaking his head with a sigh. "Damn it… the only thing I regret is that we weren't able to do anything more damaging in the process…"

Conis started to nod in agreement as she stood back up, before pausing as she noticed something, and then grinned ecstatically. "Actually," she spoke up in a much lighter tone. "I'm pretty sure we've managed to accomplish _something_ that's going to do a lot of damage to the World Government."

"Oh, yeah?" Sanji asked as he and Boss turned their heads. "Whaaaa… _ooooh…"_ he trailed off as he caught sight of what she was looking at.

"Su," the fox said smugly, her paw resting on a familiar leather bag.

"I _think_ that Cross will be happy to have this back," Conis stated.

 **-o-**

"Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!" I repeated ecstatically as I swung a somewhat dizzy Conis around.

"He-e-e's ha-a-appy…!" Conis got out in a bit of a groan.

"Really happy," Su snickered from where she was safely perched on a nearby bench.

"Really, really happy," Yokozuna croaked out from beside one of the windows he was watching through.

"Extremely happy," Kokoro agreed.

" _Sooo_ happy!" I repeated as I redoubled my grip on our gunner.

" _My spine!"_

" _Ooooo-_ kay, happy man,"

"YEOW!" I yelped, dropping Conis as a result of Nami suddenly giving my ear a hard yank.

"No paralyzing our crewmates," she deadpanned.

"No rendering us deaf either, damn it!" I yowled miserably.

"Technically, losing an ear would only maim you; so long as your eardrum was left uninjured—!"

"NOT HELPING, CHOPPER!"

"Alright, as amusing as this is," Boss interrupted, staring at me. "I know that you want it to be her story to tell, but now that we're back with you all and we've got a chance, would you mind clarifying _just what the hell her freaking malfunction is!?"_

"Ah…" I glanced at him hesitantly.

"Seriously, Cross, I tried to talk her into coming back, and the more I went on, the more she withdrew." Boss grimaced uncomfortably. "I've seen it before in the older members of the clan, but this…" He shook his head with a haunted look. "At the lowest point, she was curled up and laughing in a way that made my blood freeze. I've seen some shit, but that was… like nothing I've even _heard_ of."

"A traumatic flashback," Chopper decided. "They must know whatever she went through and are using some sort of stimulus from it to coerce her. The sheer fear of the trauma is overriding all logic, so she's acting irrationally in a manner that makes sense to her. In a manner of speaking… she's gone temporarily insane." A concerned expression spread across her face. "But the sheer degree of trauma you're describing… I've only ever heard of it in the case of war survivors or the worst kind of child abuse…"

I sighed as everyone's eyes fell on me—and I mean _everyone's—_ but ultimately, I reasoned that since Aokiji had given away some of it, I could afford to give away a little more. But no more than I needed to.

"Those in the Marine Corps who have obtained the rank of Admiral are granted the authority to use the Marines' ultimate weapon, known as the Buster Call. Once the authorization signal is sent, the Marines will send five Vice Admirals and ten battleships to the designated location… and said location will be summarily _obliterated_. No mercy, no restraint, no discrimination, just pure destruction. Once all is said and done, all that's left is a lifeless rock that will not be included in the following year's maps. All records wiped, all memories erased. They _kill_ the island, full stop." I grabbed the brim of my hat and tilted it down solemnly. "At the age of eight… Robin had a front row seat to the onslaught, in all its horrific glory."

I shook my head at everyone's horrified expressions. "Spandam, the Chief of CP9, has in his possession the means through which to send the signal. Maybe Aokiji gave it to him, maybe he stole it, but it doesn't really matter in the end; the mere _threat_ of him pushing that button is all that's needed to bring Robin's trauma screaming back to the fore and shut down every logical part of her brain." I scowled grimly. "If we're going to snap Robin out of it and get her back on our side, we're going to need to do something _drastic_." I grinned confidently. "The good news on that front, however, is that I've got the perfect stunt in mind."

I moved to sit down—

"ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT!"

"GAH!"

When I was suddenly accosted by a ballistic ball of white fuzz latching onto my collar and snarling into my face.

"This jackass has been screwing with us and dangling morsels of knowledge before us for as long as we've known him, _and my patience is at an end!"_ Su bit out viciously. "Either you talk and you talk right goddamn now, _or I will take your damn snail and turn it inside out for answers!"_

"TRY IT, _**puffball!"**_ Soundbite snarled, snapping his jaws for emphasis.

I opened my mouth to refuse before slowly shutting it as I thought better of the idea. I'd said that I would settle for telling everyone else sooner if worst came to worst, and it seemed that it had. And this was the calmest things were going to get before we hit Enies, so…

"I was hoping to tell Robin at the same time, but considering that at this point, that would require waiting until we got back to Water 7…" I gently peeled a suddenly compliant Su off of my chest and handed her off to Conis. "Fine, you've waited long enough. Everyone who's _not_ part of the crew, please give us some space. This is the kind of intel that'll either drive you mad, land you in a looney bin, or get you killed."

The Galley-La foremen, Zambai, and the Square Sisters complied, exiting to the roof of the train car and the Franky Family's floating trailer. Regardless, it would pay to have extra security. I nodded to Soundbite, noise filled the air, and then I began the talk the same way I had when we left Drum. "Have any of you ever heard of the multiverse theory?"

Unsurprisingly, the only one to raise his hand—or flipper, in this case—was Donny. "I heard about that when I was eavesdropping on a few scientists who came through Nanohana! Something about there being infinite other worlds out there for everything that could happen. Like, in one world, we may have never met Boss, and in another, Eneru may have killed us—"

"And in another," I cut in before he could build up steam. "There may be a completely different history from the dawn of time, to the point that there was never a Grand Line, a Pirate King, or a World Government. Heck, maybe even most of the landmass in the world was on seven continents instead of countless islands."

"Ah..." Donny blinked curiously. "Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Simple," Su remarked, drawing everyone's attention. "He wouldn't give such a detailed description of a world unless it were _his_ world."

I chuckled in response to her reasoning and everyone else's incredulity. "To quote Satori, 'it would appear that the sayings about the intelligence of foxes are true'."

"Eh, more logic than anything," Su said dismissively before tilting her head, her expression still inscrutable. "But that raises more questions than answers. If you're from another world, then by all rights, you should know _nothing_ about ours. But instead, you know far more than most people, even the most informed. How is that possible?"

"It's simple, really," I smirked almost bitterly. "Let's continue our… little hypothetical from earlier. Imagine, if you will, that in that other world, a man, an average, everyday—GRK, OWOWOW!" I suddenly cut off as a migraine hit me like a sledgehammer. "M-Make that _glorious_ and _beyond talented_ _superhuman?"_ I tried desperately.

I sighed in relief when the pain went away. Well, looks like 'Goda' is alive and well. That or B.R.O.B. is a diehard fan. "Anyways… imagine that that person began to publish a comic book, and said comic book happened to portray another world. For the sake of conversation, let's say it's about a world fraught with impossibilities and oceans and islands, that a very specific crew was traveling. Imagine that that comic book grew to be incredibly popular all over the world. Imagine that some fans of it even thought about how awesome it would be to live in that world, and wished that they could go there."

I looked up at them, smiling sheepishly as I scratched the back of my head. "And imagine that one fan with a big mouth happened to say that within earshot of a real Bastard of a Random Omnipotent Being, who immediately granted the wish, and marooned him on an uninhabited island in that world where he met a Transponder Snail that ate the Noise-Noise Fruit."

Boss was looking at me with wide eyes, his cigar fallen from his mouth, and Donny and Leo had similar expressions. Even Su seemed surprised.

"Uh… what's your point?" Conis asked.

"I don't get it either," Raphey and Mikey chorused.

I facepalmed with a weary sigh. "Boss, Su, I believe you know the appropriate course of action here."

 _CLONK-CLONK! SMACK!_

"Oww…" Mikey and Raphey moaned, nursing the goose eggs on their scalps.

"That _hurt_ , Su," Conis said in frustration, rubbing her right temple where Su had tail-whipped her.

"You three deserved that," Zoro said with a shake of his head. "Luffy's the only one on the crew who has _any_ right to be that thick."

"Hey!" Luffy cut in. "I'm not that thick!"

"You kept trying to eat those pink clouds we ran into a while back even after you fell through them," Zoro countered.

"But they looked soooo good! Like cotton candy!"

"He's saying that it's _not_ a hypothetical situation, morons," Boss clarified, pointedly ignoring Luffy. "He's the one who got dropped here by that Random Omnipotent Bastard or whatever it was, and he knows so much because he _read_ the story about this world. Specifically, the story about _this damn crew._ "

"Exactly," I said. "The story was far from finished when I got sent here, so I don't know _everything_ that's going to happen." I grimaced nervously. "Especially now that I've started the SBS. I'm just lucky that it would take something _seriously_ warped to throw off the basic outline of the story, so I can still use what knowledge I _do_ have to help our journey however I can. Obviously," I indicated the train car around us. "That doesn't always work out as well as I'd hope."

"So… you're stuck in this world?" Conis clarified hesitantly.

I shrugged indifferently. "B.R.O.B. said that I'd be able to travel between my world and this one whenever I want… _after_ Luffy becomes the Pirate King. Though mind you!" I promptly stuck my finger in the air. "I'm not part of the crew to guarantee that, that was already a foregone conclusion before I joined and _not_ due to Luffy being the protagonist, that's for damn sure—!"

"Never doubted it," the erstwhile uninformed stated in unison.

I smiled in relief before scowling. "But in the meantime, I'm expected to keep it entertained during our voyage, and I don't have any room to ask for favors since it gave me the transceiver. But, while I'm thinking about it…" I snapped a glare upwards. "I can't believe I'm doing this, but… look, a bargain is _different_ from a favor, alright? Quid pro quo in whatever capacity I can give! And after coming this far, after doing this much…" I snapped my hand into a trembling white fist. "I'm willing to try making one if it means I can save Merry. So… you game?"

Silence for a moment. _Then_ a window blasted open out of nowhere and a note slapped me in the face. Pulling it off with nary a flinch, I scanned over the words and exhaled wearily. "'Just do what you do, and _maybe_ if I'm amused enough, I'll give you half a chance. Otherwise, you'll have to go through what Prince Bellett did if you want to save her.'"

"Who's that, Cross?" Luffy asked curiously.

I opened my mouth to reply, but paused, frowning in confusion. "…Actually, I'm not sure. Sounds like he could be from either here or my world…?"

An unnoticed half of the paper suddenly unfolded. I scanned over it, paled, and promptly folded the paper back up. " _Right!"_ I said in a too-high-pitched voice. "I might love Merry, but I sure as hell don't love her _that_ much. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, agreed?"

"What kind of attitude is that, Cross?" Boss barked indignantly, waddling right up to me with the Monster Trio close behind him, their expressions thunderous. "You said you swore to do anything you had to, and if that's the only way—"

I shoved the note in their direction. The captain and the three toughest people in the crew, at least as far as emotions went, scanned over the paper once before they paled as well. Boss then began shredding the paper in the most efficient and complete manner possible.

"Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Agreed," he mumbled in a dull tone as he tossed the paper scraps out the window, with Zoro, Luffy and Sanji nodding along, and everyone else too scared to not accept.

"Right!" I barked as I slammed my hands together in an attempt to force things forwards. "Now, that's my secret told. Unfortunately, however, if you're hoping for some knowledge on what I've seen about you, I don't have much to offer; none of you were with the crew in the story. You only joined due to my interference."

"Well, now that you mention it, I'm sort of wondering about way back when we first joined the crew," Raphey spoke up. "When Soundbite gave us our group's name, and you complained about sanity—?"

"And what about my voice, eh?" Su concurred eagerly. "Who's… Vulpix, was it?"

"That can wait until _after_ we've burned Enies Lobby to ash and gotten our archaeologist back," I stated, my tone brooking no argument. "Anything else _critical_ , or shall we get to strategy planning?"

 _RATATATATATAT!_

I snapped my gaze upwards in aggravated confusion as the sound of an _intense_ gunfight erupted from the roof of our train. "Oh, what the hell now?"

"GUYS, LOOK—!" Zambai suddenly bellowed.

 _SMASH!_

Before _another_ window suddenly imploded, allowing a _gun-toting otter and vulture_ to barge into the car.

"Alright, Cross!" 13 roared at the top of his surprisingly potent lungs as he waved his relatively massive shotgun around. "Our patience is at an _end!_ Either you come with us, or else—! Ah…" The otter trailed off and slowly lowered its gun as it took account of the identities of the _rest_ of the passengers in the car, his shattered sunglasses falling slightly askew in the process. "Hoo boy…"

Friday swallowed audibly as she dropped her machineguns and raised her wings above her head. "I _knew_ we should have waited for the concussions to wear off. This sounded like _far_ too good of a plan."

13 whimpered as he mimicked her. "In retrospect, you're entirely right."

"You two are really stupid," Luffy deadpanned, albeit with a hint of an edge to his voice. "Hey, Sanji, can you cook them?"

Sanji took a drag from his freshly-lit cigarette and eyed the assassins menacingly. "In all honesty? I doubt it. Not a lot of appetizing recipes that involve otter and vulture…" He took an extra-deep drag, allowing the flame to highlight his face in shadow. "Meaning that we won't be wasting any food by wasting these two and tossing their bodies into the ocean."

"Oh, please, allow me," Boss said with a smug grin, cracking his neck in preparation. "Now, it doesn't matter why, but I am friends with some Bananagators."

 _That_ snapped me out of my shock and allowed me to shoot a glare at Boss. "Cool your jets, Carville, there's no need to go _that_ far."

The Dugong shot me a skeptical look. "You sure, Cross?"

I leveled my eyes at the two assassin-animals. They stared back in equal parts hatred and fear. I thought things over for a second and then… I turned my back on them. I turned my back on them and waved my hand in what I _knew_ was a clear show of dismissal. "A couple of bastards that can't let go of a grudge? Just tie them up and toss them on the tracks so that they can _walk_ back to Water 7. If it's my say in the matter you want, my opinion hasn't changed: _they're not worth killing."_

I kept my back turned to them even as the sounds of a brawl suddenly rang out, rodential squeaking and avian squawking echoing around the room until finally they were overpowered by the sound of the car door slamming shut.

I nodded decisively before turning back to the rest of the group, unwilling to waste any more thought on the pests. "Alright, with _that_ out of the way, Soundbite, call the others in. It's time to get to planning our assault."

In short order, the crew, the Franky Family, and Galley-La were surrounding me as I sat on a seat and got my thoughts in order.

"Alright, first off, descriptions of CP9. Starting with the section chief, Spandam."

I looked up, pure hatred in my eyes, and everyone flinched back. "As we discussed back on Water 7, Franky has a past with him, and he didn't get all of his anger out for what he did to Tom. So, he'll need to stay alive until Franky has his revenge, and most likely Robin too while we're at it. But after that… unless I find a way to make it so he'd _prefer_ death, unlike the pests from earlier, you have a green card to make sure and utterly _certain_ that he doesn't make it out of Enies Lobby alive."

Several of my crewmates were facing me with disturbed expressions, as were the few outside of the crew. My next words wiped that away. "He framed Tom's Workers to force Tom into accepting the punishment for building the Oro Jackson, solely for the purpose of advancing his career. And he's going to be _torturing_ Robin in every imaginable way from the moment she gets to his office, solely for _amusement_. That's two examples, and the rest of what I know about him aren't any better. Anybody still feeling generous?"

And _that_ was the end of their reservations.

"Didn't think so. Physically, he's nothing; the only weapon he has besides his authority is a sword that ate the Elephant-Elephant Fruit. And an elephant, bladed trunk or not, shouldn't be a problem for any of you."

Everyone nodded, fury blazing in all of their expressions, and I shook my head as I focused on what came next.

"As for the actual assassins… Luffy, you'll be fighting Lucci. You can handle most of it yourself, but I _need_ to warn you about one thing." Luffy's eyes narrowed in discontent, but he nodded, and I continued. "The fighting style may be called the Six Powers, but for true masters of it like Lucci, there's a seventh technique called the Six King Gun. It takes a ton of energy to use, and it only works at point-blank distance, but its effect is about the same as using a _Reject_ Dial." I held my arms in front of me, fists clenched and turned to the sides, like holding a steering wheel. "If you see Lucci take this pose, steer the hell clear. He'll only use it as a last resort, but it'll hurt you a _lot_ more than it'll hurt him."

Luffy nodded in grim acceptance, and I turned my gaze to our first mate.

"Now, moving on to the second strongest. Zoro, Kaku considers himself a user of the Four Sword Style; he wields two swords and is a master of the Tempest Kick technique. Besides that, he should have received the Ox-Ox Fruit, Model: Giraffe from Spandam. He may look silly for it, but it's made him a lot more powerful and given him a lot more reach, so be careful."

"A giraffe," Zoro replied flatly.

I snapped a finger up. "Consider: Tempest Kick works by sending out a gust of air from a fast-moving limb. Giraffes are known for _what_ prominent feature?"

Zoro cocked an eyebrow. "Long ne…" He trailed off before nodding firmly. "Got it."

"Right." I moved on to our cook. "Sanji, the next strongest is Jabra, a wolf Zoan. His specialty is the Iron Body technique; you'll need Diable Jambe to even hurt him. Besides that, just don't let your guard down and you should be able to crush him without that much trouble." Sanji nodded in confirmation, and I considered what to say next.

"Blueno is next, and the gap between him and Jabra is huge. Luffy could beat him in a straight up fight without much trouble, and he could wipe the floor with him as soon as he started using Gear Second. Really, the most threatening thing about Blueno is his Door-Door Fruit, especially the fact that he can make doors out of the—"

I trailed off with a pained gurgle as a horrifying thought hit me.

"What is it, Cross?" Zoro asked sternly.

"…The air. Blueno can make doors out of the air to another dimension where he can see everything that happens on this side. The only way in and out is his powers… _that's_ why Luffy took him out first. If Blueno takes Robin into the Air Door, there's _literally_ nothing we'll be able to do to save her before she gets to the Gates of Justice and out of our reach." I snapped a desperate look to our captain. "Alright, priority one is taking him out, before anything else."

Luffy nodded again as he slammed his fists together.

I shook my head as I tried to get my head back on track before turning to Chopper. "The next strongest is Kumadori. Big guy, long pink hair, and a master of Life Return, otherwise known as Bio-Feedback. He's also so hammy he might as well be cured, so if you praise him, you may be able to get some secrets out of him before the fight revs up."

" _Oooooh, I like the sound of that,"_ Chopper's eyes shone as he grinned eagerly.

"Don't get too eager there, Heterodyne-lite," I warned with a rap of my fist on his forehead. "The guy gets away with acting like an idiot because he gets his job done, and his job is killing people. If you give him an inch once you start fighting, you won't get back the mile he'll take. Put it this way: the way I saw things, you were only able to beat him by resorting to 'that'. And that would be potentially deadly for all of us right now. BUT!" I stuck a finger up when Chopper paled in horror. "If there's legitimately no other choice, if he is guaranteed to kill you if you don't…" I smiled and gave him a thumbs up. "Do it. Do it without a moment's hesitation or worry, knowing that we _will_ take 'that' down, no matter how it's evolved, and that we will _not_ let it harm anyone. Alright?"

Chopper swallowed before nodding firmly and began rifling through his arsenal of test tubes. I looked upwards again in thought. "The last one that wasn't on Water 7 is Fukuro. He'll stick out like a sore thumb: round body and a zipper over his mouth. His specialty is the Shave technique. Franky will probably end up fighting him, but he's a gloating S.O.B., so with any luck we'll be able to take him down ahead of time, in which case it'll be all the better for us."

I turned towards Nami. "Kalifa is the weakest of them, and she'll probably be using her new Bubble-Bubble Fruit powers to fight. Quicknotes version for strategy: don't let the bubbles touch you, don't let _her_ touch you, use water to counter, and as soon as her guard is down, electrocute her. She can use her new powers to guard against lightning if given the chance."

Nami nodded confidently, and I looked at the Galley-La foremen and Zambai. "You guys will be responsible for taking out the small fry. Sodom and Gomorrah can plow through most of them, but there are a few things to be wary of. A group of fifty soldiers who ride on wolves and have knives on their forearms; the Just Eleven Jurymen, eleven huge men who swing around steel balls and chains as big as they are; and Judge Baskerville, three people in one costume who swing a giant sword. Oh, and watch out for the mortar cannons, too."

The four of them nodded grimly.

"But!" I snapped a finger up. "All of them are your _second_ priority; the first is reaching the courthouse at the end of the island. There are two towers on the sides of the courthouse, and there are switches at the top of each tower guarded by the Jurymen. If you pull both switches, a drawbridge will lower from the courthouse to the Tower of Justice. Priority one is lowering the bridge and keeping Baskerville or _anyone_ else from stopping it."

"Got it. So, what's the plan for going in?" Zambai asked.

"Right!" I clapped my hands together firmly. "First things first! Luffy!"

"Yeah?" Luffy perked up promptly.

"As soon as we reach Enies Lobby, you're to charge ahead and crush all resistance as you head for the tallest tower at the far end of the place. That's where they're keeping Robin. Take out as many as you can, stay alive, and above all else?" I grinned eagerly. "Have fun!"

"Right!" Luffy nodded with an oblivious smile.

"WHAT?!" chorused most everyone else in the car.

"Oh!" I snapped my fingers as a thought hit me. "But do me a favor and leave the ones at the second gates conscious, alright? I want them awake for what I've got planned for them."

"Shishishi! Got it, Cross!" Luffy snickered.

I then held up an arm to block the dope slap that Nami aimed at me.

"Do you think that Luffy would be able to wait five minutes to hear our plan?" I deadpanned before cocking my head to the side. "No, more plainly: do you _honestly_ think he would follow a plan at all?"

The indignant reactions from my crew promptly snapped into resignation.

"Didn't think so. Rule one of planning tactics around the Straw Hat Pirates: you don't try to get Luffy to follow the plan. You try and plan around Luffy," I explained.

"Fine, fine, I can't argue with that," Nami grumbled despondently.

"Now, besides that," I said, pointing at the leaders of our allied factions. "The Franky Family, Galley-La Foremen, Usopp and I—!"

"EH!?"

I gave our sniper a flat look. "You're a sniper, they _have_ snipers. Your job is to keep me from getting a new hole in my head, capiche?"

I took his panicked gibbering as a yes.

"Anyway, we'll all head ashore first on Sodom and Gomorrah, and everyone else will wait five minutes for us to clear a landing zone for the rest of us to arrive in. I'll give further instructions as they become necessary."

Everyone started to nod before freezing in realization. " _Landing zone?"_ they all echoed with varying degrees of terror and excitement.

The only answer I deigned to share was a demented grin.

"Ah… I'm sorry, but..." Conis raised her hand hesitantly. "What was that about leaving the ones at the second gate conscious?"

I grinned menacingly as I contemplated what was to come. "Suffice to say… I have something _special_ planned for _them._ But!" I clapped my hands, causing everyone to jump. "That's for then. For now, everyone go ahead and relax and get ready." My mood darkened significantly. "We're heading into the hardest fight of our lives to date." With that, I moved to a lonesome section of the car, leaving the rest of my crewmates and allies to ponder what was to come.

"So, Soundbite, will you be able to make the call now?" I asked.

"OF COURSE! _But what_ _ **are you—?"**_

"Wait for it, you wouldn't want me to spoil the surprise. But in the meantime…" I eyed Soundbite curiously. " _How_ can you make that call? I thought you said that the Transceiver was an all-or-nothing amplification?"

" _Ah,"_ Soundbite, well, 'ah'd' in understanding. " **Well, that's how** IT WORKED AT _FIRST, but I_ **WORKED OUT** _ **HOW TO get around it**_ _back when we were FLOATING DOWN_ FROM SKYPIEA. **It's nowhere near easy, but** _ **I CAN PIGGYBACK OFF of the signal**_ _to make calls solo LIKE ANY OTHER_ ADULT SNAIL." He smirked confidently. " _AND I learned something_ _ **else while I was at it.**_ LEMME SEE THE **idiot box!"**

I gave him a curious look before conceding and drawing the transceiver from its bag, holding it up for him to see.

" _See that red knob,_ **far left end?"** Soundbite gestured his eyestalk at the control in question.

"Yeah? What about it?"

"TURN THAT THING CLOCKWISE _**AND THE BOX WILL EMIT A DEAD ZONE!"**_

I snapped a shocked look at Soundbite. "Wha—you mean that this hunk a' junk will block Transponder Snails!?"

My hopes were dashed as Soundbite clicked his tongue and shook his head " **You only wish.** _NO, THE DEAD ZONE doesn't block all snails._ BUT!" He promptly regained his cocky attitude. " _ **IT**_ **DOES** _**BLOCK SNAILS from hearing the SBS!"**_

Now I was _really_ shocked. "Seriously?!"

"WHY **DO YOU THINK** _ **Pinkie and the Brain**_ _haven't been_ **receiving it** _SINCE Conis joined? Ya know…"_ He grinned impishly. " _ **AFTER**_ **you fiddled around** WITH THAT THINGAMAJIG?"

I whistled in awe. "Hot damn… that's… _wow…"_

"EEYUP!" Soundbite cheered. "RIGHT NOW, _IT'S ONLY SET_ _ **to a few meters wide,**_ **but the max IS ABOUT** _ **TEN MILES!**_ _Enough to cover a whole island!"_

I let out a low whistle as I considered the potential of that. Then I blinked in realization. "Wait a second, how do you even know all of that?" I asked incredulously.

"WELL, _first,_ _ **the thing was**_ **literally BUILT FOR ME!** _ **ALL I HAD TO DO WAS**_ _PAY MORE ATTENTION, and I could tell more_ ABOUT THE _FUNCTIONS,"_ Soundbite crowed, before sobering up. " _ **But**_ **MOST OF IT…"** He sent a hesitant glance at the box. "I JUST… _LISTENED_ **to it,"** the gastropod grimaced. " **And it's NOT A** _ **SIMPLE VOICE."**_

I winced and patted his shell sympathetically before grinning as I considered the implications. "Well, however you did it, nice going. With this, we can broadcast the SBS in live combat _without_ worrying about the enemy hearing what we're saying." My grin became downright vicious. "Which means that we can still take Spandam by surprise. I wish I could see the look on his stupid face, but I'm pretty sure that _this,_ " I tapped my finger on the box. "Will be a close second."

" **Eheheheh!"** Soundbite chuckled ecstatically. " _Sounds FUUUN!"_

"Ooooh, it should be," I nodded in agreement. "Now, all we need to do is—!"

"HEEEY! I CAN SEE IT! ENIES LOBBY, DEAD AHEAD!"

I glanced upwards at where the call had come from before standing up. "—get nice and amped. EVERYONE LISTEN UP!"

All noise in the car died as my crewmates looked at me.

"I wanna clarify something for you all before we arrive. I want to make it _perfectly clear_ just how these bastards are manipulating Robin." I paced to the front of the car as I slowly moved my gaze across everyone. "As it stands, it would be safe to assume that the World Government threatened to use the Buster Call on her to make her compliant." I narrowed my eyes menacingly. "That would be false. They did not aim the Call at her. Rather, they aimed it at all of us. They threatened to obliterate us in the most horrific way Robin knew unless she cooperated. Do you understand the implications of what I'm saying? Allow me to clarify."

I held up a finger pistol to my own temple. "They held us hostage. They put a gun to our heads that only Robin could see and threatened to blow our brains out. They played on not only her insecurities, but also her bond to us to make her obey them. In the _simplest_ possible terms…" I scowled furiously. " _They used us._ Used our friendship, used our _trust,_ as a means of _hurting_ Robin. They took something _sacred_ and they twisted it into a _weapon."_

My crewmates were stock still in their seats, emotion blazing in their eyes and weapons and fists clenched. It was Zoro who broke the silence by standing up, his face hard as the steel in his swords. "You don't need to amp us up, Cross," he growled. "We all know what those bastards did, and we're _more_ than pissed off enough for this."

Glancing over the rest of the crew, I saw the same look in their eyes, prompting me to grin viciously. They really _didn't_ need me to fire them up, did they?

But hell…

I slammed my fist into my palm as my grin became downright _demonic_.

Damn if it didn't feel _damn good._

"Alright, in that case, who wants to raze some land and salt some earth?"

The resounding cheers that shook the car were answer enough.

" **Well, that was fun!"** Soundbite cackled. " _Now, let's_ GET OUR _**GRR FACES ON!"**_

 **-o-**

"So, Zambai, you ready for this?" I asked with a grin to match his own as I watched Luffy disappear over the top of the Main Gate.

"You better believe it!" Franky's right hand roared, pumping his fist before giving me a once-over. "Looks like you're ready for war too."

I grinned confidently as I thumbed the collar of the new jacket I was wearing. Credit to Vivi, she'd _definitely_ done a good job of choosing the clothes needed to make me look like a badass.

Besides my headphones and cap, I was clad in a hooded brown leather jacket decorated with a multitude of silver clockwork gears cracking and shattering as they ground against one another, visible even past the harness Lassoo was resting in. Beneath that, I had on a black t-shirt that had a bright yellow biohazard symbol practically spray-painted over the chest, with the word 'TOXIC' etched above it in the same color. And to cap it all off, some good ol' fashioned cargo pants. Why mess with what worked, right?

"You're damn right I am," I chuckled. "This… This is going to be _something."_

" _Heheh,_ **yeah!"** Soundbite snickered before glancing behind the both of us. " _ **Although, it looks like**_ **NOT EVERYONE** IS QUITE SO COOL. _SERIOUSLY DUDE,_ **a cape?"**

"S-S-SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE PEST!" Usopp yelped fearfully as he pointed a quivering finger at my shoulder. "I-I-I'M ABOUT T-T-TWO STEPS AWAY FROM PISSING MY PANTS, S-S-SO JUST GIVE ME THIS, D-DAMN IT!"

"Ah, cheer up, Usopp, it's not so bad!"

The sniper jumped slightly in surprise before glancing down at Mikey.

The Dugongs as a whole had decided to upgrade their wardrobes a bit. The Squad had all adopted flak jackets like Boss had found back on Water 7, along with adding their own personal touches. Mikey had a pair of ammo-laden bandoliers crossed over his chest, Raphey had tied a bandanna with a mouthful of fangs over her mouth, Donney had strapped on a pair of bottle-lensed goggles, and Leo… well.

Initially Leo hadn't put on anything all that special, but he'd been halfway through re-tying his headband when Zoro and Boss had exchanged a look. Zoro had then proceeded to yank the Dugong's headband off before he could react and toss the blue fabric to Boss, who then unfolded the bandanna to its full length and tied the entire thing around Leo's skull.

It had taken the swordsman a few seconds to process what had happened, at which point he nodded in grateful acceptance.

Finally, Boss had simply chosen to don a dark-green boxing headpiece he'd pulled from _somewhere,_ over which he'd tied his headband.

It took Usopp a second to muster his nerve, at which point he gave the orange-wearing Dugong a hesitant grin. "Y-Y-You really think so?"

"Totally!" Mikey popped an enthusiastic thumbs-up. "I mean, we're about to march right into the belly of the beast! This is going to be a bloody edge-of-the-scythe battle of the decade! There's gonna be every single chance of us dying at every single second! There won't be a point where this _won't_ be aweso—GRK!"

"THAT'S NOT HELPING, DAMN IT!" Usopp shouted in the Dugong's face as he shook him back and forth by his collar.

"Usopp, calm down!

Luckily, our negotiator was quick to grab his shoulder.

Vivi'd gone for a rather impressive outfit that was a combination of practically flexible and fashionable. She was wearing a white halter top that had a lotus-and-vine design sewn into it in light blue thread, as well as a pair of similarly colored and styled arm warmers that started just above her elbows and ended a few inches below her wrists, partially hiding her hands. Below the waist, she had on a pair of denim shorts that stopped mid-thigh, as well as a frill-edged blue-colored white-detailed sarong that was angled in such a manner that her left leg was hidden.

"They're half trying to psyche you up, half legitimately excited for the coming fight," Vivi soothed him. "And besides, you're going to shore with almost sixty battle-ready guys at your back, I'm sure you'll be fine!"

"Psh, yeah, sixshty againsht sheveral shousand…" Carue snickered as he tilted down the knight-style visor he'd affixed to his hat.

" _Oh, God…"_

"Not helping!" Vivi slapped the back of her snickering duck's head with a sigh. "Alright, can _someone_ please back me up here? I think I might be losing him."

"Let me try!" Conis eagerly said. She was wearing the same style she'd had on at Water 7, but she'd swapped out her color palate in favor of a light-toned urban-camo long-coat over her white turtleneck and donned a pair of light gray combat pants.

The angel was quick to give Usopp a comforting one-armed hug. "You just need to trust in us, Usopp! We'll have your back every step of the way!"

"And besides!" Su crooned from her partner's shoulder. "Look at it this way!" She slapped her tail against the exhaust pipe of Conis' bazooka. "None of them will be toting a Boom Beach Heavy Industries Burn Bazooka! Or—" She swiped her tail over to Conis' rifles. "A pair of ENTAC high-calibre combat rifles! _Or!"_ She zipped to Conis' waist and tapped her paw on Conis' holster. "Four, count 'em, _four_ Brown  & Boehringer large-bore pistols!" Su cocked her head in a teasing manner. "Trust me, however many weapons those guys have got, they are categorically outgunned."

"Not to mention the fact that we've got Sodom and Gomorrah on our side," Kiwi piped up. "Bullets are like bug bites to them."

Usopp's trembling grew weaker, though it didn't subside. "Y… Yeah, you have a point there."

"That's the spirit!" I said jovially, clapping Usopp on the back. "Now, come on, let's make these guys wish they never heard the name 'Straw Hat Pirates.'"

And so it went, most the Franky Family charging through the few guards at the main gate that Luffy hadn't annihilated while the rest of us performed the laborious task of getting Sodom and Gomorrah mounted on treads.

The yellow King Bull Sodom glanced at his brother. "It's five miles to the Tower of Justice, we got bellies full of fish, a trailer full a' fighters, it's day in the middle of the night, and we're wearing goggles," he summarized blandly.

Gomorrah snorted. "Hit it!"

I gave a cackling Soundbite a flat glare as the bulls steamed for shore. "There was never a chance of us leaving these waters _without_ you quoting those two and using their voices, was there?"

" **NOT A ONE!"**

Lunacy aside, we arrived at the Judicial Island's front door in short order and made our way past the crowd of Marines and Agents that our one-man vanguard of a captain had kindly downed for us. Once the Destroyers blew the doors off their hinges, we strode through... and took a moment to pause and take in the sights before us.

The fact that the island was lit up like it was high noon at midnight had been an incredible enough sight already, sure, but the island itself…

Damn, where to even begin…

Anywhere was viable, really.

The Gates of Justice, which had apparently been designed to emulate the Red Line and Laguna with how they formed a horizon of metal and ensured that none could possibly mistake the global symbol for pure, unflinching order emblazoned upon them.

The falls all around us, which swallowed the ocean uncountable tons at a time and roared and howled with such intensity that not even the blind could forget their presence, seeing as the noise went so far as to shake the innards of everyone even remotely nearby.

Even the island itself, hanging over the gaping abyss below, unwavering and unmoving in spite of the veritable city built upon its back, standing as a testament made material to the sheer, unflinching power of the Justice of the Marines.

It was just a pity that we'd be the last ones to ever appreciate it.

Sodom and Gomorrah charged forward, meeting no opposition, up until the soldiers of the main island gate came into view, at which point I stopped and snapped my fist up. I could feel several incredulous looks snap to stare at the back of my head, but regardless, Sodom and Gomorrah slowed to a stop.

I nodded gratefully and moved to dismount. "Usopp, you're with me."

The sniper whimpered as I slid off the King Bull, slowly following me. I then stepped forward in front of them, Usopp behind me, and waited. After a minute, the Marines began moving closer, two soldiers stepping to the front lines and coming to a stop directly in front of me.

"You are trespassing on Government property. Identify yourselves and state your business," one of them said, though his tone clearly stated that us being here meant we were in deep shit already.

I grinned pleasantly as I sucked in a slight breath. "Hello there, my name is Jeremiah Cross. I am the third mate, tactician, and public relations officer of the Straw Hat Pirates, as well as one of the two co-communications officers and co-hosts of the Strawhat Broadcasting Station. Maybe you've heard of me?" I took a _lot_ of pleasure in the way the soldiers tensed up. "With me are Soundbite, my co-officer and co-host—"

" **HOLLA!"** the snail in question sang.

"Our sniper, Usopp—"

The long-nose swallowed audibly.

"And a small host various friends and allies who shall remain anonymous. As for our business, it's a matter of theft." I widened my smile slightly. "See, you—that is to say, the World Government—stole our archaeologist, Nico Robin from us. As such, we are here to retrieve her. In pursuit of this goal, we intend to invade the Judicial Island of Enies Lobby, defeat the Cipher Pol No. 9 Agents garrisoned within the Tower of Justice, _including_ the famed soldier of Dark Justice Rob Lucci, raze the island to the ground in a hail of hellfire, and then be on our merry way."

I kept my smile in place as I paused, soaking in the awkward silence as everyone present gaped at me in both awe and horror.

"Ah!" I suddenly snapped my finger up. "But before all of that, I'm going to zap… _you!"_ I jabbed my finger at the soldier on the left. "With lightning," I finished in a calm and _utterly_ honest tone of voice.

For a moment, there was silence.

Then the soldiers started to laugh.

Then I started to laugh.

Then Usopp started to laugh, albeit nervously.

Then I dropped my baton into my hand and snapped it out to its full length before ramming it in the gut of one of the Marines and pressing the button my thumb had been hovering over, discharging a few thousand volts into the man.

Everyone stopped laughing after that.

Specifically, the soldier who was still standing cursed and fumbled desperately with the polearm he was carrying, so I spun around and rammed my fist into his stomach, causing him to double over and breathlessly dry-heave.

By this point, the Marine I'd zapped had had time to marginally recover and was starting to get his wits about him, so I grabbed the back of his head and rammed him into a knee that I brought up, which resulted in him stumbling back with an agonized howl as he clutched his thoroughly shattered nose.

I then turned to the non-zapped soldier as his breathing started evening out, took aim and dropped an armored and _very_ heavy elbow on his exposed upper back, laying him out flat.

Meanwhile, the soldier I'd tazed and kneed had stumbled back towards me and was slouched over _just_ enough for me to grab the sides of his hat—

 _CRUNCH!_ "Grhgrgh…"

—and ram my forehead into his already-demolished nose, which resulted in the soldier collapsing into blissful unconsciousness.

Finally, I turned back to the prone marine, who was only just starting to crawl to his hands and knees, and stuck my hand below his face, which resulted in him tensing up in anticipatory terror.

"Impact," I drawled before flexing my palm.

The resulting blast of kinetic energy smashed the soldier's face in and flipped him onto his back, his pained gurgles making it clear that he was well and truly down for the count.

I took a second to pause and roll my shoulders in preparation before shooting a deathly glare at the rest of the Marines who were still standing paralyzed at the Island Gates. "You Government _bitches_ had better go and get the best you got," I called out to them. "Because the next person who comes out here?"

I reached my left arm over my shoulder and pulled Lassoo into position, cocking him menacingly.

"I'm going to do my best to send them back _in a bodybag."_

The Marines stood frozen for a scant second before scrambling around amongst themselves. Ultimately, one of them was booted from the pack and sent running back into the gatehouse, where Soundbite didn't even have to lift an eyestalk for us to hear several distinct yells of "OIMO!" and "KASHI!"

I grinned impishly as I slid Lassoo back onto my back. "Worked like a charm."

Soundbite whistled in awe. " _Hot damn_ , HOTSHOT!"

Usopp, to his credit, wasn't trembling quite so much as I'd have expected, though he _was_ gibbering uncontrollably. "Bu-Bu-Bu—!? But they—!? But you—!? But h- _how—!?"_

I gave our sniper an amused look. "How? Three easy steps. The two halves of number one—" I spun my baton in my hand and rapped my armored knuckles against my forehead, producing a metallic clang in the process. "You made! Love the lightning-stick, even if it does give me _some_ minor flashbacks, and as Luffy has repeatedly demonstrated, you can never have too hard a head! The armor-plating and padding you sewed in is just icing! Number two, Zoro's training." I shuddered in horror. "'Nuff said. And as for number three, well…" I shrugged indifferently. "Never underestimate the element of surprise. Simple as that!"

Usopp eyed me warily before shrugging and looking forward. "Alright, then. In that case, w-why did you need me here?" He glanced at me out of the corner of my eye. "And why did you ask for their strongest, anyway?"

I waited a second, before grinning as I felt the ground begin to shake beneath our feet. "Oh, that's easy. I wanted you here and I called them out because there's something of a… personal connection between the three of you."

Usopp opened his mouth to speak… and _kept_ widening it in horror as a pair of massive shadows fell over us.

I tilted my head at him with a curious expression. "You still like giants, right?"

The shrill wheeze/shriek crawling out of Usopp's mouth was answer enough.

I very casually looked up at the two very different but nonetheless very imposing giants that were towering over us, one muscular and wielding an axe while the other was stout and brandishing a club. Both were grinning down at us in obvious menace.

"Jeremiah Cross and the Straw Hats, huh?" Kashi huffed as he scratched the back of his head with a weary expression. "Well, that's a real shame. You guys're the funniest distraction we've had since we started working here." He shrugged indifferently. "But oh well."

"Yeh, it's too bad," Oimo said, stretching his jaws in a bone-cracking yawn. "But hey, work's work. Now c'mon." He unslung his club and let it slam into the bridge, causing more than a few stones to shake loose from the edges. "Let's get this over with so that we can get back ta' sleep."

The two started to step forward…

"WAAAAIT!"

Before pausing when I raised my voice, an endeavor which Soundbite gladly aided in.

I took a second to huff and get my voice back before continuing at a more sedate—if still amplified—tone of voice. "Before we jump into the fighting and the squashing and all that…" I spread my arms invitingly. "Do you mind if we spare a second to just sit down and talk?"

The giants blinked dully as they glanced at one another before leaning down and eyeballing me.

"Huuuuuh?" Kashi droned in a disbelieving tone. "And why would we do that?"

"Yeah," Oimo snorted. "You guys're trying to pass the gate, and it's our job to stop you! We don't have any reason 'ta talk!"

" _Crooooss…"_ Usopp hissed out of the corner of his mouth.

I ignored him in favor of spreading my hands in a clear show of innocence. "But, sirs! We _haven't_ tried to enter the gate yet!"

 _That_ got a lot of people to blink at me in surprise.

"Huh?" the giants chorused.

"Well, I mean, I took down some gate _guards,_ sure." I toed one of my downed opponents, causing him to flop bonelessly over. "But my friends and I haven't even made a single move towards your gate yet. So! We're technically not enemies. So whaddaya say, huh?" I sank down to the ground and tapped what scant grass there was in invitation. "Why not sit down and talk a bit? Just… to kill some time! Come on, pirate to pirate!"

 _That_ got Oimo to blink in surprise. "Heeey, how'd you know that we're pirates?"

"Three kinds of Giants leave Elbaf: slaves, Marines or pirates. You're not in uniforms or chains, so there's only one option. And you still haven't answered my question!"

While the giant guards glanced thoughtfully at one another, I snapped my fingers in front of Soundbite and pointed at the Marines still milling about the Island Gate, prompting him to tune them out even as one of them got it into his head to start yelling up at Oimo and Kashi.

Ultimately, the pair grinned and nodded.

"Alright!" "Sounds like fun!"

And with that, the two sank into cross-legged sitting positions, leaning forwards in ill-concealed eagerness.

"So, whaddaya wanna talk about?" Kashi asked eagerly.

"Hm…" I tapped my chin in exaggerated thoughtfulness before snapping my fingers. "Ah, I know, maybe you can answer a question! See, I find myself to be quite curious: what are a pair of Giant pirates, the most honorable pirates on all the Grand Line, if not the world, doing guarding the gates to the _World Government's_ front step?"

Just like that, the pair's expressions darkened. "Ya never pull your punches, do you…" Oimo muttered as he scratched the back of his head before sighing heavily. "Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to tell you. Kashi and I used to be pirates 100 years ago. We were the strongest crew around, nobody could ever stand up to us… up until that fateful day, when we visited a certain island. Our co-captains got into an argument, and they got into an honor duel, which would have been fine…"

"But neither of them could win!" Kashi flung his hands up in frustration. "They just kept fighting and fighting, and Elbaf's word clearly says that so long as both don't back down, the duel only ends when there's a victor! Their honor would be destroyed if they stopped the duel otherwise."

"Of course, of course," I nodded understandingly, even as I noticed Usopp starting to blink in realization. "I understand completely. Honor is a serious matter for the giants of Elbaf, neither could back down while theirs was still threatened."

"Exactly!" Kashi jabbed his finger at me. "And because it was a duel of honor, none of us, their crewmates, could interfere! The only thing we could do was take our captains to an island where no one would interfere and return home to Elbaf while we waited for them to finish fighting! And we did wait!" Kashi then trailed off and hunched forward with a sigh, balancing his chin on his fists. "For fifty years…"

"But neither of them ever came…" Oimo picked up in a sorrowful tone. "Kashi and I got worried, so we backtracked along the Grand Line to try and reach the island where they were, so that we could check up on them!" He snarled and cast a rueful glare at the still-muted Marines behind him, causing them to flinch back. "But on the way, we got captured by Marines."

Kashi ground his teeth as he gripped his helmet and ground it into his scalp. "Then these bastards told us the truth! The reason why our bosses were late was that they'd been _captured!_ The Government caught them in the middle of their duel and tossed them in Impel Down so that they'd _rot!"_

"We were desperate…" Oimo moaned. "We said we'd do anything if they'd let our bosses go, so the Government made a deal with us: if we defended the gates of Enies Lobby for a hundred years, then they'd let our bosses go and we could all go home! Since giants live to be 300 or so, we didn't think it was a bad deal, so we accepted."

"It's been fifty years since that day…" Kashi stared upwards wistfully. "We're halfway there, but there's a catch: if we get beaten even once, then we need to start over, and our bosses will be long past their prime when they get out if that happens. Either we make it all the way… or bust."

"There've been some fun times, sure, plenty of good fights…" Oimo admitted. "But still… doesn't change the fact that it's been fifty years since we've been proper pirates. And a _hundred_ since we saw our bosses."

A hand landed on my shoulder all of a sudden, and I turned my head to observe Usopp as his expression combined both an apoplectic flush and a ghastly pale. "Yeeesss?" I crooned.

"Are they saying… what I think they're saying?" Usopp ground out.

I jerked my head at the giants. "Why don't you find out for yourself?"

Usopp visibly balked for a second as he stared at the mournful titans… but it was _only_ for a second, after which he steeled his gaze and back and strode forwards. "He—!" His voice croaked for a bit, but it firmed up once Soundbite amped it. "HEY! You two! Your captains, were they named Dorry and Broggy?"

 _Everyone_ opposite us jumped, giants and Marines alike, though their motivations were different. The giants did so in shock, while the Marines… they did so in _bowel-dropping terror._

One of them _tried_ to snap open a compartment in his gauntlet to talk to a baby snail hidden within, but Usopp responded by snapping his hand to his side before reconsidering and shooting it to his _back._ In less than a second, he unfolded Kabuto, drew, took aim, fired, and _pegged_ the bastard between the eyes, dropping him like a sack of potatoes. Going by how the rest of the Marines snapped their hands up, where we could see them, nobody felt particularly lucky.

Meanwhile, Oimo recovered and blinked at Usopp in confusion. "H-How did you—?"

"And the island you and your crew left them to duel on!" Usopp forged on. "That was the prehistoric island of Little Garden, right!?"

" _Eh!?"_ Kashi slowly clambered to his feet along with his companion as he stared down at Usopp. "How could you know that?"

"How could we _not_ know? Before we came here, my crew _met_ those bosses of yours, and we saw them fighting their duel! The great warriors of Elbaf fighting the same duel, over and over again, for the last hundred years!" Usopp boldly proclaimed, all traces of fear now _long_ gone.

Oimo and Kashi fell on all fours, their eyes close enough to us that we could see our reflections in them. "WHAT!?" they bellowed in a furious synchronization. "ARE YOU SERIOUS!? IF YOU'RE LYING, WE'LL CRUSH YOU LIKE ANTS!"

" _I'M NOT LYING!"_ Usopp shouted back at the top of his lungs, _and_ on his own at that. "I'M TELLING THE TRUTH! ASK ME WHATEVER YOU WANT ABOUT THEM! ABOUT THEIR WEAPONS, ABOUT HOW THEY FOUGHT, ABOUT HOW THEY LOOKED, HOW THEY LAUGHED, ALL OF IT! I'LL ANSWER IT ALL! NO MATTER WHAT YOU ASK, IT'S THE _TRUTH!_ I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT THIS! THOSE TWO…"

Usopp bowed his head for a moment before snapping his gaze up, determination blazing in his eyes. "I SAW THEM AS MY TEACHERS, MY _MASTERS!_ THEY TAUGHT ME WHAT IT WAS TO BE A WARRIOR OF THE SEAS, TO BE SOMETHING I ONLY EVER _DREAMED_ OFF BEING! I SWORE TO BECOME A GREAT MAN OF PRIDE LIKE THEM ONE DAY! YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THIS?! IT'S A _FACT_ , AND I'LL SAY IT AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES! _WE MET THEM!_ THEY WEREN'T CAPTURED FIFTY YEARS AGO! THAT'S NOTHING BUT A BIG, FAT, _**LIIIIEEEE!"**_

" _AND I CAN PROVE IT!"_ I bellowed in agreement as Usopp took a moment to pant and wheeze desperately before dropping my volume and letting Soundbite take up the slack, though I indicated that he keep it between the four of us and only us. "On our way here, I got in contact with a friend of mine called Pisces, who I asked to call a friend of hers called Capricorn, who got me the number of another friend of mine I call Rooster, who let me speak to a friend of _his_ called… let's go with April—!"

" _ **CALLBACK!"**_

"Shut it! But anyway, April got me the number for the Transponder Snail of a friend of _hers_ called, eh… _Candle."_ I snapped my fingers before Soundbite with a grin. "Let's give them a ring, shall we?"

Soundbite smirked as he narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth. " _Puru puru puru puru! Puru puru puru puru!"_ he sang out, letting the dial tone waft across the bridge.

After a few seconds, however, Soundbite clicked his tongue and adopted a—

I blinked in surprise. The hell? I thought I'd called Dorry and Broggy, not _Gedatsu._

" _HELLO!"_ a very loud and _very_ fake falsetto voice bellowed out. " _WHO IS THIS? THIS IS MISTER THREE! WHAT DO YOU WANT?"_

" _Your false accent sucks,"_ Broggy's voice spoke up in a bored tone.

"Seconded," I said in the same tone.

" _SCREW THE BOTH OF YOU!"_ Dorry roared indignantly.

 _That_ snapped Oimo and Kashi out of their open-mouthed shock.

"BOSSES!"

" _OW!"_

As evidenced by the two of them _murdering_ my ears.

"Looooud…" I groaned as I dug a finger through my ear.

" _Eh?"_ Dorry blinked in surprise. " _Wait, was that Kashi just now?"_

" _And Oimo too!"_ Broggy beamed jubilantly. " _Hello, boys! Wow, it's been forever since I've heard your voices! How have you been? How's the rest of the crew? How are things on Elbaf?"_

The pair's joyous expressions promptly collapsed into sheepishness, and Oimo spoke up first. "The crew… we're sorry, Bosses, but the crew didn't stay together," he admitted shamefacedly. "A bunch went off solo, others settled down, and the rest… well, they went Marine, but that was just 'cause they wanted good fights and the Marines could deliver that without bein' as dangerous as some of the new crews that have popped up! Dangerous crews, _strong_ crews!" He bowed his head sorrowfully. "Kashi and I… we're some of the last diehards…"

Broggy's expression promptly became regretful. " _Ah… is that so? Well, I guess I can't blame them. It'd be selfish to think that time would stand still for us. I just hope they're happy."_

" _And what about you two, huh? How have the years treated you?"_ Dorry said, clearly trying to lighten the mood.

Which only brought Kashi's mood _lower._ "That's the other thing…" he muttered. "Bosses, we're not calling you from Elbaf. We're calling you from _Enies Lobby."_

 _That_ struck the twin captains silent. " _What?"_ Dorry whispered incredulously.

"The… The Marines…" Oimo sniffed tearfully, his voice full of shame and regret. "Th-They said that they'd captured you… that they'd locked you up… so we cut a deal to act as guards for your freedom!"

"We've been here for the last fifty years…" Kashi groaned. "All because we doubted your strength… we're sorry, Bosses, so sorry! We've brought shame to the Giant Warrior Pirates! Shame to _Elbaf!"_

"Ho-Hold on! O-Oimo, Kashi, just wait a minute! I-It's a trick!"

Soundbite flinched and cast a glare over at the Marines, specifically the one who'd stepped up and was shouting at the top of his lungs. " _Sorry,_ _ **got caught up**_ **in the moment, JUST LET ME—!"**

"No, no," I stopped him and Usopp with a raised hand, my eyes never leaving the soldier. "Let him speak. I'm… morbidly curious as to how deep a grave he can dig."

The Marine had to pause to catch his breath as he caught up to the Giants, but once he did he jabbed an accusing finger at me. "H-He's lying, he has to be! We really do have Broggy the Red Ogre and Dorry the Blue Ogre in custody! He's just using his snail's powers to trick you into thinking you're speaking with them! I-If you turn on us, then they'll never go free, and you'll join them!"

" _YOU DARE—!?"_ Dorry and Broggy started to roar in synch, but I silence them by clamping my hand down on Soundbite's mouth.

"Now, now," I said soothingly. "Don't be so harsh! After all, he's quite right! That _is_ a possibility! It's _well_ within Soundbite's capabilities to fake the voices of these two's captains! After all, all he needs to do is listen to a person's voice only _once_ to imitate it. Even a single word would do it!"

Oimo and Kashi both stared at me with betrayed and horrified visages, Usopp and Soundbite seemed to be channeling Nami with how hard they were glaring at me, and everyone behind me was shouting at me to, to summarize, ' _STOP SCREWING AROUND, DAMN IT!'_ But honestly, how could I when this was so _fun?_

"H-Ha! You see? He even admits it!" the soldier crowed, getting his bravado back. "So, hurry up and—!"

"Buuuuut!" I cut in smoothly. "I just need you to clarify one iiitty bitty little thing in that case."

The soldier flinched back nervously as he fought to keep his cocky visage up. "O-Oh yeah? What?"

"Well, answer me this," I crooned as I leaned in close, so that my face was inches away from his, so that I could see the _terror_ in his eyes. "Just tell me… _when we could have gotten their voices."_

Even with the falls around us, you could have heard a pin drop.

The now white-faced and wet-pantsed Marine swallowed heavily. "W-W-What?" he whispered breathlessly.

"You heard me," I hissed back. I then jerked forwards, causing him to flinch back and fall on his ass, at which point I loomed over him with a demonic grin. "When did I get their voices? When did I slip away from my crew, on my lonesome, infiltrate the _impenetrable_ underwater gaol of Impel Down, locate Red Ogre Broggy and Blue Ogre Dorry, snag samples of their voices, sneak back out, and rejoin my crew?" I leaned over him, doing my best to channel Doflamingo with every word I spoke. "Weeeell, Marine? _When?"_

The soldier's teeth were outright chattering as he stared at me. " _I-I-I—!"_

I leaned in closer and looked him dead in the eye. " _Speak up, Marine."_

He was silent for a second before swallowing heavily. "I…" he stated in a quiet voice. "Am going to run away now."

I stood back up with a contented smile. "Yes, why don't you go do that?"

The Marine got to his feet in a cool, calm and collected manner, brushed himself off… and then ran past me like there were demons on his ass.

Soundbite cast a dismissive look at the rest of the Marines still standing by the Gate. " **Any other takers?"**

Turns out? There were over three _dozen._ The rest had either fainted or were pulling off an impressive 'terrified goat' routine.

Soundbite rolled his eyes with a scoff as the soldiers ran past us. " _ **The strong and proud my non-existent ass."**_

"Hey, that's U.S., not W.G., don't sully our good name," I muttered back.

" _Impressive, Cross!"_ Broggy laughed. " _And we thought you'd come a long way since we met you before! This new generation never fails to impress! Gabababa—!"_

" _Quiet, Broggy,"_ Dorry interrupted.

" _Hey, what're you—!?"_

" _Why are the Straw Hat Pirates on Enies Lobby, Cross?"_ Dorry asked in an even tone.

"— _ahbuh!?"_ Broggy choked in realization.

"Master Dorry, Master Broggy," Usopp spoke up again, his fear dead and buried as it was before. "The World Government threatened our crew, and one of our crewmates sacrificed herself to them in a misguided attempt to save us." He crossed his arms and bowed his head solemnly. "We're going to invade Enies Lobby and get her back, no matter who or what tries to get in our way."

For a second, there was nothing but silence, then…

" _Guess there's no other option, is there?"_ Broggy grunted in a grim tone.

" _Not a one,"_ Dorry snorted before raising his voice in a bark. " _OIMO! KASHI!"_

"SIRS!" the giants snapped out twin salutes, snapping into kneeling positions.

" _AS OF THIS INSTANT, THE STRAW HAT PIRATES ARE OFFICIAL ALLIES OF THE GIANT WARRIOR PIRATES!"_ Dorry bellowed.

" _HERE ARE YOUR ORDERS!"_ Broggy roared. " _SUPPORT THE STRAW HATS WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT! HELP THEM RESCUE THEIR COMRADE, AND BURN THAT BLASTED ISLAND TO THE GROUND!"_

" _DO WE WE MAKE OURSELVES CLEAR, WARRIORS?"_ they concluded with a united bellow.

"YES, CAPTAINS!" the giants roared as they pumped their fists in the air.

" _Glad to hear it,"_ Dorry sneered viciously.

" _We'll contact you once all is said and done,"_ Broggy concluded. " _Elbaf be with you, Straw Hats."_

"And with you, Captains," I nodded respectfully.

The instant the connection dropped, I shot a nice and evil grin up at the two giants, who matched it tooth for tooth.

"Now then, boys…" I purred as I patted my bag. "What do you say we start this joint venture of ours… _in style?"_

 **-o-**

" _Don don don don!"_

A chorus of tired groans surfaced among the Red-Haired Pirates as the snail began blaring.

"That loud-mouthed brat… it's the middle of the night!" Shanks glowered as he grabbed the speaker and dislodged it. He then fell back onto his back as music began blaring out at the top of the snail's lungs.

" _FROM DEEP INSIDE THIS SPREADING DARKNESS, A REVOLUTION I'M STARTING TODAY! AND I CAN'T LET ANYONE INTERFERE WITH WHAT I'LL DO, OR GET IN MY WAAAAAY~!"_

The rest of the Red-Haired Pirates promptly became much more awake and much more irritated, though the lyrics of the song grabbed their attention. Finally, a minute or so later, during which the crew began picking up bottles to try to fend off the coming insanity…

" _Good choice for music, Soundbite. Now… hello, everyone. Jeremiah Cross here, bringing you a very special edition of the SBS!"_ The human host's grin suddenly took on a somewhat menacing overtone. " _Which begins right_ now."

" _PFFFT!"_

And one and all, every single one of the Red-Haired Pirates, Shanks included, spat out their drinks, instantly sober and on their guard.

"He started the SBS. He _started_ the _SBS._ I'm not the only one who realizes that that is _never_ a good sign, right?" Yasopp asked nervously.

" _This_ is going to be a broadcast to remember…" Benn mused as he fingered the butt of his rifle.

"Heheh, well at least there's a bright side to all of this!" Shanks snickered as he grabbed up a new bottle of grog. "I have a good excuse now! Long live the Straw Hat crew, they drive me to _drink!"_ And with that, he knocked his poison back.

" _Now, I imagine that you're all probably on the edges of your seats wondering_ what _makes this particular broadcast so special, huh? Well, dear viewers, I'll tell you! We of the Straw Hat Pirates have decided to engage in some good ol' fashioned piracy! And I mean the dictionary definition! Just to see what it feels like and prove that we don't fly the Jolly Roger for shits and giggles. As such…"_ If Cross's smile was menacing before, it was downright predatory now. " _We're about to invade, pillage, and_ burn _an island to the ground. Doesn't that sound like fun?"_

" _PFFFT!"_

Only to spit it out immediately afterwards.

"SAY WHAT!?" one of the Four Emperors bellowed indignantly.

 **-o-**

Sengoku sighed in relief as he leaned back in his chair, casting a thankful eye to the heavens. "So, there actually _is_ a God, huh?" he muttered to himself as he smiled morosely. "Good to know."

The Fleet Admiral started to compose a prayer for those families about to lose their homes in the pursuit of proving, once and for all, that good pirates really _were_ nothing but a myth.

" _So, ladies and gentlemen, before I begin explaining exactly_ why _I'm doing this, I'd like you to listen to the following sound, committed by our two newest allies. Ready, Oimo?"_

Only for _that voice_ to utter _that name,_ causing him to snap his eyes open in horror. "What."

" _Yep!"_

"What!"

" _And you, Kashi?"_

" _What!"_

" _I've been wanting to do this_ my whole life!"

" _WHAT!?"_

" _Then in that case… do it."_

" _ **WHAAAAAT!?"**_ a very large, very golden, very _pissed_ Sengoku roared as he instinctively blew the roof off of Marineford.

" _RIGHT!"_

 _SMASH!_

But no amount of fury was able to mask or alter the sound of a titanic amount of stone suddenly shattering like little more than glass.

" _To those Marines who might have found the names of our two compatriots to be somewhat familiar!"_ **that fucking voice** grinned in honest, chaotic amusement. " _Allow me to refresh your memories! Those were Oimo and Kashi! Members of the Giant Warrior Pirates who, up until all of three minutes ago_ , _were detrimentally employed by the World Government to act as guards for the GATES OF THE GOVERNMENT'S JUDICIAL ISLAND,_ ENIES LOBBY!"

" **GAUTAMA FUCKING DAMN IT!"** Sengoku raged as he planted a brilliant fist in what little of his office wall remained before raising his voice. " **SOMEONE GET ME GARP! GET ME TSURU! GET ME** _ **AOKIJI! GET ME**_ **EVERYONE** _**RIGHT FUCKING NOW!"**_

"E-Everyone—!?" stammered one of the _very_ few Vice Admirals who _hadn't_ fainted in the initial blast of existential pressure that the Admiral of the Fleets had emitted.

" _ **EEEVERYYYOOONE!"**_

"Huh, didn't think he could get that hammy anymore…" Garp muttered around the ricecracker he was munching on as he warily eyed the roof of his office.

Said ricecracker promptly found itself inhaled when a golden hand shot through said roof and grabbed his head.

" _ **GET THE FUCK IN HERE AND PAY FOR THE SINS OF YOUR BLOOD, YOU DAMN BASTARD!"**_

" _Shit,"_ Garp summarized weakly before he was pulled up and out of his office.

 **-o-**

" _To reiterate, ladies and gentlemen of the world, that sound you just heard was us_ breaking down the gates _of Enies. Lobby."_

" _PFFFT!"_

"AGH, SERIOUSLY!?"/"THIS IS _FUCKING DRYCLEAN_ YOU ASS!"

Ace ignored the protests of the two captains he'd sprayed his drink over as he stared at the Transponder Snail on the table in naked awe.

" _I imagine that many of you must be severely confused about the series of events that led us to this moment, huh? Well, let me back track a bit. See, earlier today, the World Government made the absolutely_ mon-u-mental _mistake of stealing one of our crewmates from us. Said crewmate was none other than our mystery member whose identity we've been obscuring up until now: our archaeologist,_ Nico Robin _._ "

"WHAT!?" Squard yelped in shock. "The Demon of fucking _Ohara!?_ Christ, does your brother have a _death wish_ or—!?"

 _CRACK!_

"YEOW!" the shark-toothed captain yowled, falling back with an impressive knot on his forehead. "What the _hell—?!"_ he started to get out before freezing as he noticed the rod of metal pointed between his eyes.

"Watch it," Ace scowled viciously as he swayed his pipe back and forth, forcing the captain to trace it with his gaze. "That's my little brother's crewmate you're talking about. And besides that, the whole 'sins of the parent' shit is so stupid that I only expect Marines to be dumb enough to use it. Don't let me catch you being that stupid ever again." Pulling the pipe back a few inches, he lit a flame on the end of it. " **Got it?"**

Squard swallowed in terror as the foreign will cracked over his mind before nodding dumbly. "Got it…"

"Good," Ace snorted as he put his pipe back down. "Now shut up and listen."

" _Now, mind you,"_ Cross continued in a conversational tone. " _I'm not going to give an ultimatum. We are…"_ Cross trailed off into a derisive chuckle. " _Oh, we are so far past that. This is a statement of pure_ fact _. An… An example, if you will. We're going to take a leaf out of the pages of the big black book of piracy! Only…"_

The tactician scowled viciously. " _It's not the edition you were hoping for. We're tearing this straight out of the Four Emperors' personal playbook: you touch one of ours?_ We fuck you up. _This goes beyond a mere rescue mission, this… this is nothing short of a_ crusade. _We are going to_ pummel _the men stationed here. We are going to_ take back _our archaeologist. And besides making the World Government look like the_ idiots _they are in the process? We are going to_ burn this fucking island TO THE GODDAMN BEDROCK _AND CAST IT INTO THE FUCKING ABYSS IT'S HANGING OVER, SENDING IT RIGHT BACK TO WHERE IT FUCKING BELONGS!_ WHO'S WITH ME!?"

" _ **YEAH!"**_ A chorus of warped and distorted voices cheered at once.

Whitey Bay and Squardo could only gape at the snail in mute awe, but though Ace mirrored their expressions for a moment, a different sort of look came into his eyes _very_ quickly as he got to his feet.

"Set sail for Banaro Island."

The two other captains shot questioning glances his way.

"Ace?" Whitey asked.

"Cross said that Blackbeard would be on Banaro Island the next time Luffy's bounty shot up. If _this_ doesn't make that happen, nothing will." The New World captains shot back when Ace suddenly burst into a bonfire. "It's time for Teach to pay for what he did to Thatch!" The Second Division Commander of the Whitebeard Pirate shot a furious glare at his comrades. " **WE SET SAIL** _ **NOW!"**_

 **-o-**

"Now, rest assured, oh people of the world…" I chuckled into the mic I was clutching. "I won't just leave you all on that. Matter of fact, you're all going to get front row seats to the first act of true justice to occur on this island since its conception! I can't promise it will be uninterrupted, sadly, but I'll do my darndest to make this show as constant as possible. Don't touch those dials, listeners..." I rammed the mic back into its cradle, making sure that it was facing outwards and thus didn't hang up. "This is going to be the show of the _century."_

With that, I strode forward to stand alongside Usopp, Paulie and Zambai and join them in eyeing the sheer mass of people arrayed before us.

"So," I started. "What're we looking at here?"

" **2,513 individual soldiers,"** Soundbite provided in an analytical tone. " _ **1,708 Marine soldiers,**_ **805 WORLD GOVERNMENT AGENTS."** He then gained an impish grin. " _Not counting those who are running away,_ OR THOSE SNIPERS WHOSE EARDRUMS I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF _DEVASTATING."_

"Good snail," I chuckled as I petted his shell.

" _ **Best friend!"**_ he cackled back as he preened from the attention.

"And on our side, we have two King Bulls, two giants, the fifty-five members of the Franky Family, two of Galley-La's foremen, the Straw Hat Pirates sans Straw Hat himself, and the four of us?" Paulie confirmed as he slowly wound coils of rope around his knuckles.

"Doesn't seem fair, does it?" Zambai asked morosely as he tapped his bazooka in his palm.

"No, it really doesn't," Usopp shook his head regretfully as he loaded up his Kabuto's pouch. "These poor bastards don't even stand a chance."

"Please…" I scoffed as I hefted Lassoo onto my shoulder with one hand and flicked my baton out with the other.

"You say that as though they ever _did."_

 **Xomniac AN:** " _ **What would be a good expression for a giant concentrating to fake an accent?"**_ **I never thought I'd find myself asking that question, and yet I nonetheless** _ **did**_ **while writing this chapter.**

 **Hornet AN: Sorry for the delay. Real life issues again, on all of us but especially Xomniac.**

 **Xomniac AN: Damn my family pulling me away for dinner, what's wrong with instant noodles, huh!? (Just kidding, love you mom, it was great to see you!)**

 **Patient AN: *Rolls eyes.* Buuut it's still within seven days of our previous chapter, so I'm sure you're not** _ **too**_ **upset.**

 **Hornet AN: August 3rd wasn't seven days ago.**

 **Xomniac AN: Well then shit.**

 **Patient AN: My mistake: it's still within fourteen days of our previous chapter, so we're not behind schedule this time.**


	42. Chapter 39 - Enies Lobby Pt 1

**Chapter 39**

"Are you _insane_ , Cross?!" Bartolomeo yelped.

Apis opened her mouth—

"Rhetorical question, dammit!" Bartolomeo snapped, prompting the dragon keeper to close her mouth and look away with an innocent smile. "Alright, Cross _has_ to know he's bringing the wrath of the Marines on his head for this." He turned around, looking to the two lower-grade ex-Baroque Works agents on board. "How much of a response are we looking at here? Five battleships? Ten?"

Miss Valentine, deathly pale, took a moment to compose herself before answering. "For this sort of situation? When the Marines and the World Government as a whole are taking a shot straight to the dead center of their reputations?" She gulped audibly, sweat dotting her brow. "Try _all of them_."

Bartolomeo clicked his tongue and began pacing back and forth on the deck. "And with all the Admirals, too. Dammit. I don't think Cross is going to bullshit his way out of this one. Not on his own." His pacing continued for a few more minutes as he stewed in thought, before abruptly turning his gaze on Apis again. "Apis, you can talk to animals, right?"

Apis' expression fell flat as jabbed a finger at the dragon she was riding, with Lindy adopting a flat look of his own in turn.

"Right, stupid question. What I meant to ask was if you can talk to a Transponder Snail from a distance, without seeing it? Tell it to keep its trap shut for… what, a few minutes?"

"Ah…" Apis hesitated as she glanced at the crew's snail with a searching expression before looking back at her captain, her mouth drawn in a thin line. "Maybe? I could give it a shot with Kula's help, I think, but as for the orders bit… I can give orders, sure, but whether they listen or not isn't really up to me." She ran her fingers through her companion's hair in a manner that was more meant to calm herself than the dragon. "I've gotten lucky with Lindy because we have a past…"

"It'll have to do," Bartolomeo sighed. "Call Capricorn, I need one last piece of information."

"What are you planning, Captain?" Gin said out of the corner of his mouth, eyeing his superior as Apis got their snail's attention and started talking to it.

"Something insane, guaranteed to triple all of our bounties if it works and kill us if it doesn't," Bartolomeo muttered as he gnawed on his thumb. "And I'm not sure it's even _going_ to work. You'll probably figure it out once I call Capricorn, anyway." He then shot his first mate a savage grin. "Easiest way of puttin' it, though? If the Straw Hats are takin' a page from the Emperors, then we're taking a page from _them."_

Gin opened his mouth to respond—

 _KA-LICK!_

" _Capricorn."_

"Rooster," Bartolomeo replied. "I'm twenty kilometers south-southeast of the Tub Current between Marineford and Enies Lobby. Where's the nearest Celestial Dragon vessel?"

For a moment there was silence. Then Hina answered, Gin hastily shushing the rest of the poleaxed crew around him.

" _A Celestial Dragon vessel?! Rooster, what in the world are you—?!"_

"You're listening to the SBS, you know exactly what I'm planning to do," Bartolomeo practically snarled. "This is the only way I can think of to draw off a large enough force to matter." A shaky grin spread across his face. "Besides, I'm not just charging blindly into this. I have a plan."

"… _Forgive me if that doesn't fill me with much confidence."_ There was an explosive sigh on the line, followed by rustling cloth. " _Annoyed, Hina is very annoyed because she definitely has a migraine, and it's only a little after midnight… But fine. As it so happens, there's a Celestial Dragon pleasure yacht near your location. Just park yourself outside the edge of the current and you'll have them."_

"Thanks. Rooster out." And with that, Bartolomeo put the phone back in its cradle, then turned around and waited for the inevitable explosion.

He was not disappointed.

"Captain, are you insane—!"

"I hate the Celestial Dragons as much as the next guy, but—"

"There is a point at which you can imitate the Straw Hats too much, and this has clearly passed it!"

"That'll bring an Admiral down on our—!"

"Quiet!" Gin roared.

The crew shut up, looking expectantly at Gin.

"Why don't we let the captain explain before we all decide to mutiny out of self-preservation?" he suggested. Well, 'suggested' inasmuch as any man tapping a ball of metal the size of a bowling ball in his palm can 'suggest', anyways.

"Thanks," Bartolomeo muttered to his first mate as the grumbling died down.

"Don't thank me yet," Gin snapped as he swung his tonfa around to point at his captain. "I already served under a suicidally insane captain once in my life and I nearly paid for it with my life, I won't make that same mistake again. If you don't have a damn good plan, I'll be first in line to kick your ass."

"Duly noted." Bartolomeo took a deep breath, firmed his features, and took a step forward. "Yes, I am planning exactly what you all think I am! Yes, that will bring an Admiral down on our heads! But!" A finger snapped up, pre-empting any sort of protest. "Right now, the Straw Hats are _minutes_ away from having probably the greatest force the Marines have ever assembled dropping on theirs! If we can draw off five battleships and an Admiral on a wild goose chase, then maybe we can even the odds just enough for the Straw Hats to use their patented brand of bullshit to escape!"

"And how do you plan to turn it into a wild goose chase, huh?" Mr. 5 shouted.

Bartolomeo grinned a grin that had _way_ too many teeth for comfort. "Well, let me tell you."

 **-o-**

"So, let me see if I've got this straight," Paulie reflected as he bashed an arrangement of Marines and agents with his Figure-Of-Eight Knot. "Two days ago, I thought that Kaku and Lucci being government agents was nonsense, CP9 was a myth, and charging Enies Lobby on a rescue/revenge mission was something that nobody in the world was crazy enough to do." He sighed as he absently flung a string of Pipe-Hitch Knives through the assembled army, tripping up a full contingent of the soldiers even as he nonchalantly ducked under a swing from an agent and rammed his forearm into the man's throat. "Then along came the Straw Hat Pirates. I don't think I need to say any more than that."

"Yeah, that just about about covers it, doesn't it?" Kashi laughed as he swung his axe down into the side of a building, the ensuing collapse simultaneously robbing our enemies of yet another potential assault platform _and_ blocking off an alleyway that they could try and flank us from. "I see why our captains liked them so much!"

"Heh, I agree!" Oimo cackled as he wound his club back and batted a mortar shell out of the air, utterly ignoring the explosion that erupted as a result. "Makes sense too! They've been on Little Garden for the past hundred years, they missed the start of this new age! Heck…" The giant paused in shock. "Wow, they even missed _Roger._ That's…" He scratched the side of his head thoughtfully, even as Marine bullets washed over him like a summer's rain. "Actually kinda sad."

"Eh, don't worry about it," I chuckled as I dodged a swing from an agent coming at me with a pair of brass knuckles before lunging forward to jab my baton into his throat. I then flipped it in my grip and electrified it as I jabbed it into the small of his back once he doubled over. "At least they managed to meet his successor! I mean…" I hefted Lassoo and aimed him into the crowd, blasting out a half-dozen bombs over the front lines and sowing a nice amount of chaos as a result. "That's gotta count for something, right?"

"I know that meeting Luffy sure changed my life for the weird, that's for sure!" Usopp chuckled, taking a knee in order to get a better angle with his Kabuto and no doubt take down yet _another_ wannabe with a rifle who had the _audacity_ to call themselves a sniper in his presence.

"Damn straight!" I nodded as I blocked a Marine's sword with Lassoo's bulk, before pocketing my baton and jabbing a gauntlet full of Impact into the soldier's gut. I then glanced over at Soundbite. "By the way, apropos of nothing, mind providing a sitrep?"

" _ **Current headcount is reaching**_ **near a thousand!** _ABOUT HALF of whatever_ _ **soldiers**_ **are still conscious** _ **ARE RUNNING AWAY,**_ **spouting such** _lines as 'I didn't sign up for this' and 'We can't even slow them down!'_ _ **And my personal favorite,**_ ' _If the Straw Hats manage to get away with this, I'll take it as confirmation that faith in the Marines is as ill-founded as Cross says!'"_ the snail cheered.

I gaped at him in awe. "They did _not_ say that."

" _OH_ _YES THEY DID!"_

"Sounds like you're actually managing to get through to some people!" Zambai called over to me as he took down a squad that had been going for Sodom and Gomorrah, who were giving the Marines and agents an appropriate level of hell.

" _ **But anyways, AS FOR OUR**_ _VANGUARD…"_ His smile dropped into a scowl. " _I can_ _ **follow Luffy's**_ **trail, and he downed** A COUPLE THOUSAND ON HIS OWN, **BUT RIGHT NOW,** _HE'S OUT OF_ MY RANGE."

I considered that for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Meh, that's fi—GAH!" I yelped as I ducked under some jackass who'd just tried to _fucking shoot me!_ "HEY, WATCH IT, I'M FIGHTIN' OVER HERE!" I roared at the bastard before scowling and returning fire with a trio of baseball bombs. "Ass. Anyway, where—? Oh, right!" I bounced the heel of my palm off my head. "It's _Luffy_. He'll be fine."

 **-o-**

"Whoa… what the heck? How do they get across?" Luffy wondered as he stared down into the gap over the abyss below Enies proper. He then pounded a fist into his palm. "Oh, right, Cross said there's a drawbridge. I _think_ that I could probably Rocket over…" _Then_ he grimaced as he crossed his arms and tilted his head to the side. "But I bet they have tons of other cheap tricks and stuff that Cross knows about but I don't that would make me get lost. So, now I have to wait for everyone else to catch up? Aw, man…" He hung his head with a groan. "That sucks…"

He maintained his position for a few minutes before looking up and glancing around curiously as some of his rubbery neurons chose to fire. "Hey, wait… why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?"

" _Air Door."_

The rubber-man scowled darkly and angled his hat down over his eyes before glancing back at the interloper who was suddenly standing behind him. "Oh, yeah. I need to kick your ass first."

"There seem to be some discrepancies between the report and the actual situation," Blueno intoned, ignoring the death glare Luffy was pinning him with. "To be honest, it did seem more than a little suspicious. For anyone to believe that someone like you could ever only take down just five soldiers…" He shook his head with a sigh. "Well, I suppose that fear is as good a motivation for denial as any."

The rubber man snorted darkly as he turned to face Blueno. "So. Bull-head guy. Are you here to stop me?" Luffy asked, momentarily glancing back at his pipe before putting his fists up.

Blueno scoffed in a somewhat insulted manner. "Please. You're the fool here, Monkey D. Luffy, not me. Your reputation through the SBS precedes you, and though I never expected to say this to _any_ criminal, I admit that neither I nor many of my comrades are strong enough to defeat you. Basically, I can't do anything against you."

Luffy blinked in surprise as he marginally relaxed from his stance. "Eh? Really? So… are you just going to let us go?"

The bull-headed Pol agent's gaze somehow became even flatter. "No."

"Oh…" Luffy blinked in confusion. "So, then…?"

"What I can do," he said as he slowly cracked his neck back and forth. "Is give my chief a more complete status report than what he received earlier. After all, unlike you, we don't need to fight you to accomplish our goals. All we need to do is get Nico Robin past the Gates of Justice."

Luffy felt a twinge of panic rise within himself as he remembered Cross' words. However, rather than reacting with panic like most people, Luffy reacted how he'd almost always reacted to fear: with more anger. "Do you really think I'm going to let you get away and steal Robin?!" he growled as he slowly reached over his back and clutched his pipe.

Blueno allowed a mocking smirk to quirk his lips. "What I _think,"_ he drawled as he reached his arm out and cracked a portion of the air open. "Is that you can't stop me _."_

"You wanna bet?!" Luffy demanded, spreading his legs apart and crouching down, preparing to pump his calves—

 _SLAM!_

Only for a metric ton of _something_ to slam onto the roof and obscure Luffy's line.

Luffy winced in confusion as he snapped his arm up to guard himself from the dust cloud that the mass's meteoric entrance had kicked up. A _tsk_ ing sound caught his attention, and he lowered his arm enough to catch sight of a large gray wolf with a large scar over its left eye, a black Fu Manchu mustache, long hair in a queue, and a black jacket and tie that covered very little of its chest, standing where Blueno had been.

Or, more specifically, standing _on_ where Blueno had been. And on Blueno, too, for that matter.

"Tsk tsk tsk," the wolf tutted in a condescending tone of voice as he shook his claw in Blueno's face. "Sorry, Blueno, I know that we've only just met again after five years, buuut the fact is that there's no chance that I'm gonna let you do that."

"Ergh…" Blueno coughed up a mouthful of blood as he struggled to try and work himself out from under the wolf-Zoan's foot. "Jabra… you… what the _hell_ do you think you're doing…?"

In an instant, a wave of sadness and regret swept over the wolf's muzzle. "It was many years ago when I was young, on an island far away—!"

"WILL YOU CUT YOUR DAMN BULLSHIT ALREADY, YOU FLEA-BITTEN— _GUH!"_ Blueno's furious roar was cut off by a massive furry palm slamming his head into the rooftop. Said palm then closed into a fist around Blueno's head and lifted him into the air, in spite of how much he tried to struggle and flail,

"You want the truth, you two-bit one-trick pony?" Jabra snarled as he held his comrade close to his muzzle. "Fine, here it is: If you tell Spandam about what's going on, odds are that that spineless coward will order us to fall back and regroup. He'll take Nico Robin to the Gates, and he'll take Lucci with him so that when Straw Hat inevitably charges after him, _he's_ who he fights, while _we_ are left mopping up the scraps."

Jabra marginally loosened his grip on Blueno's head, before _strengthening_ it, causing his fellow agent to jerk in pain. "Fuck. That. Fuck Nico Robin, fuck the World Government, fuck that spineless piece of subhuman slime we call a chief, fuck the mission _you all_ fucked up, fuck the power rankings, and above _all_ else?" Jabra drew his hackles back into a blood-hungry snarl. " _Fuck Lucci._ This brat is _mine._ I've wanted my ten rounds with him since that Back Fight, and I'll be _damned_ if I let Lucci have them instead. I want a hunt that can fucking fight back, _and I am fucking getting it!_ So, stay the hell—!" The massive Zoan wound his arm back and uncoiled in a single smooth motion, sending Blueno crashing into the parapet lining the roof. "OUT OF MY WAY!"

The Door-Man coughed up a mouthful of blood as he tried to pull himself up, only to collapse as his body gave up the ghost and plunged him into sweet oblivion.

The wolf-man snorted in satisfaction before cracking his head back and forth and shooting a cocky grin at the other conscious person on the roof. "So. Straw Hat Luffy. Nice to meet you. The name's Jabra of CP9, and what you see here is the result of the Mutt-Mutt Fruit, Model: Wolf." His cocky grin grew to savage proportions as he spread his arms and flexed his muscles in anticipation. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for a chance to fight you."

Luffy didn't move from where he'd been standing throughout the entire conversation, his hat tilted down to mask his expression.

Jabra twitched irritably, his smirk fading back to a more casual habitual scowl. "Hey! Are you paying attention?"

"He was your friend."

Jabra's ear flicked in confusion as he heard a faint growl. "What the—?" His ears then folded against his scalp when Luffy suddenly looked up at him and _glared._

A decade back, Vice Admiral Garp, AKA 'Garp the Hero', had personally come by the Tower of Justice to tear CP9 a new one for a particularly civilian-casualty-heavy mission.

That had been the last time Lucci had _ever_ willingly disobeyed orders in any way, shape or form.

Jabra had known that Straw Hat could drop the idiotic smile in favor of rage with the right incentive, he'd been counting on it. But he sure as hell hadn't counted on the glare he was seeing now _mirroring_ the same intensity he'd seen in that monster that the Marines had labelled a Vice Admiral.

Luffy ground his teeth as he only just managed to restrain himself. "That guy," he reiterated with a voice full of unholy wrath. "Was your friend. He was your friend. And you hurt him." Pure hellfire flared in Straw Hat's eyes. "Just so that you could have a chance to fight _me?"_

Jabra swallowed heavily and prepared to open his mouth. He prepared to rebut the pirate's assumption with an explanation about how this sort of thing was par for the course for Pol agents, how Blueno's injuries were comparatively minor and that he'd be fine in a couple of hours, how there would be no lasting hard feelings in the end…

And then he reconsidered. He remembered the Back Fight, he remembered the psyche profile the agents had been given on Straw Hat… and with more adrenaline than blood in his veins, he donned his smirk yet again. "And so what if I did?" he rumbled in a pompous tone. "That pathetic weakling. He spent the last five years as a bartender, and all for what, to fail at the eleventh hour? Heheheh… HAHAHAHAHA!" He threw his head back and roared with mocking laughter. " _Hell,_ I bet he doesn't even remember how to fight anymore! He's pathetic! Useless! _A disgrace to Cipher Pol No. 9!"_

He kept laughing uproariously for a minute before trailing off into wheezes and chuckles. He wiped some tears out of his eyes before casting a mocking smirk at the pirate. "What the hell does it matter to you?"

His amusement then proceeded to die a painful death as he became _acutely_ aware of the horrendous mistake he'd just made. Before, the most infamous rookie of this generation had mirrored Garp. Now? The old man _paled_ in comparison to the glare he was faced with now.

And this feeling only redoubled when the pirate dropped into a crouch, knees bent, his right fist cracking the roof beneath him, and his left out to his side, holding a somehow _menacing_ pipe out and at the ready.

" _ **GEAR,"**_ Straw Hat Luffy rumbled savagely. " _ **SECOND."**_

' _I just fucked up.'_

Those were the last thoughts to run through Jabra's head before his field of vision was filled with fist, and he was forced to start fighting for his life.

 **-o-**

"And even if he isn't, then he will be after he gets his teeth on some meat," I shrugged casually as I held a Marine in a nice and tight chokehold. "Also, remind me, how long am I supposed to hold him for after he stops moving, three seconds or five?" _That_ comment got the guy flailing even harder.

"Three, I think!" Kiwi called as she retreated from a Marine who was going a little nutso with his sword.

"And for the record," Mozu continued as she got behind the Marine in question and cut him down to size. "I'll never understand how Straw Hat's body treats meat like a miracle cure-all!"

"That's one of—! Oh, for the love of _God,_ how long can you hold your damn breath!? Screw it." I slammed my fist into the back of the bastard's head, thankfully knocking him out and allowing me to drop him. "Anyway, where was I…"

" **How Luffy's carnivore** _ **metabolism is one of**_ **THE SEVEN WONDERS** _ **OF THE WORLD?**_ _Though I'm confused as to_ IT COUNTS AS MANMADE _OR NATUR—_ _ **INCOMING MORTAR!"**_

"HOLY!" I yelped in a panic as I dove into the dirt and narrowly avoided being blasted to _fucking smithereens._ I spent a second staring into the ground with my hands clasped over the back of my head before looking up with a dark scowl. "Right, that's enough of this bullshit. Soundbite, connect me to the cavalry so that we can shove a horseshoe up these bastards' asses."

" _GIMME A_ **second!"**

I shoved myself to my feet and retreated back from the front lines of the fight, allowing the Franky Family to fill my space as I got myself some breathing room and pressed one of my headphone's speakers to my ear.

" _ **This is Snailmail calling Rocketman,**_ _Snailmail calling Rocketman,_ **COME IN, Rocketman!"**

" _Rocketman is requesting you stop acting like the assless dumbass you are, Soundbite,"_ Nami growled irritably.

" **C'mon, baby, show me some love! I'M BURNIN'** _ **OUT A FUSE up here alone!"**_

"Oi!" I barked, shooting a glare at the snail out of the corner of my eye.

" _Eh… mostly ALONE, ANYWAYS?"_ Soundbite chuckled sheepishly.

" _Are you just calling to screw around or—?"_

"We've managed to clear out a section for the Rocketman," I cut in. "Kokoro, the landing zone is free and clear, let him loose and bring it in!"

" _Wait, Cross, you never told us what you mean by 'landing zone'!"_ Vivi cut in, a rather large hint of desperate panic in her voice.

"You _do_ recall that there are no brakes on that train you're riding, right?" I grinned sadistically. "And those fences around the entrance are part seastone, so they're gonna bend before Zoro, not break. Buckle up, this is gonna hurt."

" _NOT A CHANCE IN—!"_ Nami screamed desperately.

" _NAGAGAGAGA!"_ Kokoro cackled over Nami's enraged shout. " _I suppose it's only fate, isn't it? This bronco was made for you guys! EVERYONE HOLD ON TIGHT, NAGAGAGAGA!"_

" _Don't even think about it you old—_ EAGH!" Vivi's own protests were cut off by what I could only presume was a sudden burst of acceleration.

I spared a moment to laugh about Nami's apparent panic before throwing out a Soundbite-enhanced whistle, garnering the attention of the Franky Family fighting around me. "EVERYONE CLEAR SOME SPACE, WE GOT INCOMING REINFORCEMENTS!"

While the 'humans' of our crew had the good sense to comply and clear a space, Kashi made the most unwise choice of pausing in the middle of the island's main street and glancing back at me in confusion. "Eh? Reinforcements? Really? Where are th—?"

 _ **WOOOOOOT!**_

"What the—!?"

Kashi had just enough time to look up in shock…

 _CRUNCH!_

Before Rocketman plowed straight into the middle of his face, bounced off, and skidded down the street.

I eyed the up-ended trainwreck for a second before looking over Kashi's insensate and groaning form. "We didn't just lose one of our major big-hitters, did we?" I called up to Oimo.

The club-wielding giant waved his hand with a scoff. "Are you kiddin'? Kashi's taken more headshots than most of our old crew combined! He'll be fine!" He then proceeded to cover his mouth as he snickered in amusement. "Though… I don't think a lot of giants are gonna think that being the first giant to be hit in the face by a sea-train is all that 'honorable'!"

"'Crew you, Oimo…" Kashi blearily groaned.

"Told you so!"

"Moving past the stupidly high resiliency of giants," Lulu piped up as he shoved a spike of hair protruding from his chest flat and caused a new one to pop from the top of his skull. "Are you sure that your friends are alright? After all, that was a pretty hard landing, and the Marines are starting to swarm the train."

I leveled a flat look at the shipwright. "Have you been paying _any_ attention to the SBS? I give it all of five seconds before that swarm gets swatted."

" _FOUR,_ **THREE,** _ **TWO—!"**_ Soundbite crowed.

 _ **KA-BOOM!**_

My grin went from ear to ear as the side of Rocket Man's car blew itself out, blasting away all of the Marines nearby and allowing a full host of utter demons to storm out and start laying waste to the ranks of our enemies. "Ah, I love my crewmates."

Paulie swallowed heavily and wiped away the sudden layer of cold sweat he'd acquired as he watched my crewmates inflict more damage on the army of Marines in the course of three minutes than we all had in the past _ten_. "…In case it hasn't been said enough? _So_ glad that we're fighting with you monsters instead of against. I don't think Water 7 or Galley-La would have survived if we were on opposite sides."

"DAMN **STRAIGHT!"** Soundbite cackled in agreement.

I started to snicker anew at the irony, before freezing in abject terror as I felt a wave of what could only be described as pure existential dread sweep over me. I promptly adopted a 'deer in the headlights' maneuver as I caught sight of Carue stalking towards me, Nami and Vivi both on his back and an aura of rage and murder around them; I honestly wasn't sure if I was hallucinating, if it was actually visible, or if Nami was just generating thunderclouds for effect.

"N-Now guys, look—" I backed up desperately as the two dismounted and started approaching me.

"Cross…" Vivi began, before shrugging with a sheepish smile. "I admit my fault: that was _actually_ kind of fun."

I blinked in surprise and more than a little confusion before freezing in horrified realization. Horror that became nothing short of utter terror when a fist suddenly grabbed my throat and brought me face to face with the visage of the Angel of Death.

See, that aura of rage I'd seen earlier? It wasn't the aura of two women who wanted my head.

It was all from one Nami who really, _really_ wanted my head on a spike.

"N-N-Nami, d-don't you think you're overreacting? L-L-Luffy does stuff like this all the time, and you're n-never this mad at hi— _ERK!"_ I was cut off by her squeezing my throat shut.

" **You** _ **let me**_ **ride on that death trap for your own amusement, Cross,"** Nami cut me off in a voice of icy calm. " **Luffy is an idiot. A lovable idiot that I trust with my life.** _ **He doesn't think things through, and we have to put up with the consequences,**_ **and I accepted that when I joined this crew for good."**

I struggled to keep conscious as her grip tightened. " _Myergh…"_

" **You, on the other hand, are not only one of the smarter members of the crew, but know enough to let us** _ **steer the hell clear of catastrophes like this."**_ Our Navigator held up a segment of her Clima-Tact and slammed her thumb into a hidden button, prompting it to light up with a crackle of lightning. " **So. I'm going to give you ten seconds to give me** _ **three**_ **good reasons why I** _ **shouldn't**_ **obliterate all the progress Chopper made on getting rid of your trauma,** _ **and make Eneru look like a case of static discharge**_ **."**

Her grip slackened enough that I could begin gasping out answers. "First, I knew you wouldn't die from something like that, second, your alternative choices were coming to the front lines when I left or going with Luffy when he left, and third…" I pointed to the side, where a growing crowd of Marines were approaching and actually positioning themselves into a firing line _whoa that was a lot of guns!_ "You have plenty of other targets to take out your anger on?" I punctuated the statement with a panicky grin.

Nami processed my words with a still-enraged expression for several moments, her gaze thankfully directed at the Marines, before the aura changed direction and she let me drop onto my ass.

"I'll deal with _you_ once we're back on Water 7," she bit out as she marched towards the Marines, assembling her Clima-Tact piece by piece as she went. "But for now…"

She finished assembling the staff and started spinning it at her side, a milky white outline appearing on the outside of the blue blur.

" _These boys are mine."_

The Marines chose that moment to open fire, blasting out a barrage of musket fire at us that would have no doubt incapacitated or killed at least a dozen of our number.

At least, were it not for Nami snarling and swinging her Clima-Tact forward with a furious bellow. "EISEN TEMPO!"

A barrage of foamy white surged from her staff as a result of the motion, writhing and flowing for a second before coalescing into an earthbound cloud-like barrier between us and the Marines. However, as cloud-like as the barrier appeared, the fact that we weren't reduced to swiss cheese by a hail of gunfire indicated that they'd failed to break through it.

Nami held her position for a scant second before allowing herself a grin. She then swung her arm out, causing the cloud barrier to surge out in turn and shove over two dozen Marines off their feet. A sweep to the side, and the fallen Marines were sent tumbling into a massive pile, clearing the way for the clouds to surge forward again and start lashing out at the Marines behind _them_. The clouds in question attacked like a poor man's Smoker, growing and lashing out at who or whatsoever it chose that came near it and then flailing about in a _thoroughly_ ruthless manner.

But that wasn't the most disturbing part of the display. The disturbing part was the wielder of the cloud herself. Nami's growing grin and the way she was swooping and twirling her staff around her body with increasing style and complexity was reminiscent of a demonic orchestra conductor… or a _witch._

Of course, Soundbite was helping to reinforce the latter image with a stupidly familiar song:

" _Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble~"_

"Yeah," I nodded in equal parts wariness and awe. "And by the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way co—ACK!"

Nami remained gleeful a full minute into her performance before pausing and allowing her expression to darken as she caught sight of what few Marines were still standing begin to turn tail and run. "Oh, no no no _nooooo…_ " Nami crooned sadistically, a roaring fury igniting behind her eyes as she swung her staff around her body and caused a new aura of clouds to coalesce around her. "You think that after all that you've done to our crew… after all you've done to my _friends…_ " She chuckled mirthlessly for a second, and then the clouds darkened and started to rumble as she scowled. "No. No, you bastards don't _get_ to run away!"

With that, she swung her Clima-Tact behind her and conjured a pillar of thunderclouds. The pillar angled itself like a scorpion's tail as it faced the Marines, and with a jerk of the staff, the pillar split itself in half lengthwise, opening up an empty space within which lightning crackled and danced.

Nami slowly cracked her neck back and forth in preparation. Then, in one deft move, she jabbed her staff forward to point at the retreating Marines.

" _Lightning Bolt Tempo."_

And just like that the cloud snapped forwards and the wrath of the heavens themselves was unleashed upon those poor unfortunate souls. I swear that I actually managed to see outlines of their skeletons once or twice, but for obvious reasons, I wasn't able to appreciate the sight quite as much as I would have liked… to which Nami remained perfectly oblivious. She took in the sight of the charbroiled Marines for a few seconds before squealing and jumping in a clear display of joy as she hugged her staff like it was the Hope Diamond or her newborn. Either or, really.

"Oh, yes yes yes yes _yes!_ This thing is so utterly totally and completely _awesome_ and it's all _mine mine mine_ and I am never ever ever letting it go ever because I _loooove_ it like I've never loved anything since Bellemere and Nojiko and the crew and I _love_ you for giving it to me, Cross, thank you so so so _much!"_ she squealed and sang euphorically. She then spun around and snapped a finger to point at me. "But don't think that means I've forgiven you yet either, you inconsiderate bastard!"

" _No effing kidding, woman!"_ I choked as I grappled with the _fucking Eisen Hand_ that was holding me a foot off the ground as it _wrung my FUCKING NECK!_

"Nami!" Vivi demanded as she yanked on the white hand's fingers, an effort that was completely and utterly ineffectual on account of how the damn thing was as solid as _iron!_ "I've been mad at Cross plenty of times, but this is going too far! Let him go!"

"Wha—!?" Nami snapped her gaze to her staff in shock before shaking her head desperately. "B-B-But I'm not _doing_ this! Or, well, I-I-I don't _think_ I am?!"

It was at that point that a portion of the arm strangling me split off and started _punching me_ in my _freaking face!_ "I— _OW!—_ SORELY— _OW!—_ BEG— _OW!—_ TO DIFFER— _OWOWOW!"_

"I-I-I don't—!" Nami shook her head desperately.

"Mahybe becaushe of you'we deep psychowogicaw connecshion with meteowology, yoah subconscioush mind, yoah 'Id', ish ushing the Eishen Cwoud as an outwet to intewact with the physhical wowld and enact yoah wepwessed fwustations with Cwoss?"

We all paused and snapped an incredulous look at the speaker.

"Whad?" Carue gave us all a flat look. "I wead some a' Choppah's books when I've got nothing else tah do, shue me."

"Riiiight…" Nami drawled before glancing at her Clima-Tact. "So… how do I…?"

"Wemove the outwet, I guesh," the duck shrugged helplessly.

"Ah…?"

" _DROP THE DAMN STAFF!"_ Vivi, Soundbite and I roared, though I more squawked than anything.

"R-Right!" Nami yelped as she forced her fingers open and dropped her Clima-Tact. She then slapped her palms together in front of her face in apology. "I-I'm _so_ sorry about that, Cross, I'd never go this far, I swear!"

" **Then why the** _ **HECK ARE YOU**_ _still doing it?!"_

"Wha— _GAH!"_ Nami yelped in shock when she noticed that her palms _weren't_ together, due to the fact that her _other_ hand was _still_ holding the staff. Or so it seemed through my rapidly blurring vision.

Our navigator promptly snapped her grip open and dropped the Clima-Tact again… and then reeled back again as she noticed that her _other_ hand had snatched up the staff. The process repeated itself almost half a dozen times as Nami tried to rid herself of her weapon in vain. Ultimately, Nami drew her arm back and desperately flung the Clima-Tact away, going so far as to watch as the metal rod clattered down the street.

She turned around and pumped her fist in victory before staring at the staff clutched in her fist with equal parts exasperation and terror. "I think that I might have a serious problem…" she whispered numbly.

"NO SHIT!" Vivi and Carue screeched. I would have joined them, were it not for the fact that I wasn't taking in enough breath to do more than gasp at this point.

" _Oh, for the love of—_ THAT'S IT!" Soundbite barked indignantly, sliding his way onto the mass of clouds crushing my throat. " _I'M TAKING MATTERS_ _ **into my own TEETH!**_ **GASTRO-BLAST!"**

The clouds promptly blasted apart and dropped me on my ass, allowing me to suck air down my abused throat. "Holy shit, that was way too close!" I gasped.

Nami promptly snapped out of it and grabbed her own wrist, visibly concentrating on her fingers as she brought her Eisen Cloud to heel so that it was merely hovering around her body like some kind of meteorological halo. "Sorry about that, Cross," she apologized with a sheepish grin. "Good thing I didn't activate the lightning, right?"

I showed her just how _little_ I appreciated my good fortune with a roadkill-flat glare. "You're getting therapy from Chopper," I ground out.

She promptly hung her head with a sob. "Aye-aye, sir…"

Nodding firmly, I turned my attention back towards the rest of the crew, who had taken the liberty of subduing anyone who still fought back. Interestingly, there were at least a dozen of them who were kneeling on the ground, weapons gone, hands raised in surrender, who looked unharmed.

I got to my feet and made a beeline for those soldiers. "Lemme guess," I piped up with a cocked eyebrow. "You guys all got wise to the fact that there's no chance in hell that you're going to stop us and you decided to take the easy route?"

Most of them nodded, some in shame, some in fear. One, however, looked up with a defiant expression. "I have no illusions about us being able to defeat your crew. But Cipher Pol No. 9 is a different story, and they're waiting for you in the Tower of Justice. We'll see if you're still confident when you start fighting against _them."_

His tone was firm, but not condescending; it was clear that he was speaking from his faith in the organization he followed. So I almost felt bad about for what I was about to do next. Spot the key word in _that_ sentence.

"Really, now?" I crouched down so that I could look the soldier in the eye. "Well then, Marine, here's a question for you: did you happen to see CP9 when they returned to base?"

"No, but if you're going to spew some nonsense about defeating them before they even got here—"

"Oh, no, nothing like that… though not for lack of trying, I assure you, they just managed to run away like the cowardly _bitches_ they are before we could stop them. But!" I snapped a finger up when the soldier started to open his mouth. "That's off-topic. Tell me, Marine: do you know how many CP9 Agents were meant to be on the Puffing Tom upon its return to base?"

The Marine jutted his chin out proudly. "Five. Add the three already here, and that makes eight agents ready and willing to put you pirate scum to death."

My grin widened at the words, and only got wider as I slowly turned my head to regard the soldier's neighbor, who'd suddenly gone pale. "I think your friend might have something to say about that, Marine."

The defiant soldier glanced at his neighbor and jerked in shock. "What the—? Jenkins, what's—?"

"F-Four…"

"Huh?"

The panicked soldier slowly turned his head to give the other Marine a terrified look. "I-I-I saw the Cipher Pol return… a-and there were o-only _four_ agents with them! N-Nero was missing!"

And just like that, the defiance bled out of the soldier and he too paled in horror. "Y-You mean—!?"

I pressed my advantage by grabbing his collar and bringing him face to face with me. "My Paramecia Captain has made a habit of eating Logias for _breakfast,_ Marine," I whispered malevolently. "What the _hell_ do you think he's going to do to a _Zoan?"_

The Marine stammered and shivered where he was sitting. I opened my mouth to say something further—

"Leave 'em alone, Cross."

And promptly snapped a look over my shoulder as someone slapped me on it. "Do I have to?" I whined.

" _But of course!"_ Soundbite snickered before switching to using my voice. " **After all, it's cruel and unusual to torture poor, defenseless pests like them. Save it for the poor, defenseless ASSASSINS!"**

"Awww, that's too bad…" I grabbed the defiant Marine's cheek and tugged on it. "After all, they're so _cute_ when they're terrifi— _OWOWOW"_ I yelped in agony when a vice grabbed my ear and started yanking me along.

"Save your unholy skills at mental torture for the ones who _deserve_ it, Cross," Vivi rolled her eyes with a sigh as she dragged me behind her.

"Owowowow, yes, yes, fine, alright, I will! Just let me _go,_ damn it!" I hollered as I staggered after her.

" _Dot dot dot dot!_ _ **Huh?**_ **A CALL at a time like this?"** Soundbite said, unperturbed by my current predicament. He shrugged as Vivi finally released me, allowing me to stand up and rub my ear in an effort to assuage the pain. "AH, WELL. _GO FOR THE SBS!"_

" _Kak kak kak,"_ chuckled a very familiar, very old and, at the moment, _very annoying_ voice. " _Seems like they haven't been easing up on you at all. Thanks a lot for the constant proof of how effective my medicine is, Cross! I've been able to triple my prices thanks to you!"_

My eye twitched viciously as I fought to keep myself under control. "Shouldn't you be off extorting someone half your age, you old bat? Like, oh, I don't know, _Whitebeard?"_ I snarled.

"KAK KAK KAK KAK! _Please, as if that young shit is anywhere_ close _to—!"_

"Oh, I'm sorry, you're breaking up, buh-bye!" I yelped as I hastily chopped a hand across my throat, prompting Soundbite to drop the connection with no small amount of cackling of his own.

"Oh, was that Doctorine?" Chopper asked eagerly as Vivi and I walked up to where the rest of the crew was assembling.

"Yeah, it was," I grumbled as I adjusted my slightly-askew cap. "Sorry I didn't let you two chat, but I've already ticked off the Whitebeard Pirates once in my life, I won't risk repeating the feat even by proxy."

In unison, every single one of our allies outside of the crew sagged in relief, prompting me to glare at them in irritation. "Do you _really_ think I'm _that_ stupid?"

"Considering the fact that we're in the middle of an invasion of Enies Lobby that you're broadcasting to the entire world?" Kashi groused as he rubbed his slightly crumpled nose. " _Yes,_ it's good to see that you're not _completely_ insane."

I rolled my eyes before returning my attention to our current situation, and scanning around the area. The only Marines and agents conscious were the ones that had surrendered, and there were unconscious ones by the hundreds almost as far as I could see. Considering how long we had been talking without being interrupted, I had figured as much, but it was nonetheless surprising that the elites hadn't been called out yet. Sure, some of these guys may have had enough sense to know that they couldn't beat us, but I didn't expect _everyone_ to just take this lying down and rely on CP9 to handle us.

"Soundbite, can you hear anyone nearby?"

The snail concentrated, and then grimaced. " _Damn,_ _ **they're running**_ **out of my range FAST.** _ **BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE**_ _THEY'RE PLANNING ON_ SETTING UP DEFENSIVE LINES **en route to the** _courthouse!"_

"They're trying something that almost has half a chance of working instead of charging us directly?" I asked incredulously.

"Eh, the Government may be arrogant, but they're not stupid," Oimo shrugged. "Back before we started working here, the protocol was that if there was an overwhelming attack from pirates, the plan would be to fall back, set up defensive lines and wait for reinforcements from HQ. I guess it was just a contingency plan in case one of the Emperors decided to attack."

I sighed; of course they'd have something planned for this, why wouldn't they when they knew that there _were_ pirates who could conceivably charge Enies Lobby and have a non-zero chance of winning?

"Alright, let me think…" I muttered as I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. "They're expecting us to charge the courthouse, and we are, there's no way around that. We'll need to catch them off-guard somehow…" I glanced back at the King Bulls for a second before nodding firmly. "Alright, if we try smashing through full-force, all we'll do is run straight into a wall of steel and bodies. Would that stop us? Probably not, but it would be more than a bit painful for those involved, and while I appreciate the dedication of our allies, I'd rather do this as painlessly as possible. So!" I clapped my hands together firmly. "We're going to do something somewhat inadvisable and split up!"

" **BUT** _you never split the party!"_ Soundbite yelped in an affronted tone.

"I don't see anything wrong with it," Zoro shrugged.

" _You_ would get so lost that you'd end up back in Alabasta!" Raphey snapped as she jabbed a flipper at him before grinning. "Sorry, been waiting to use that one."

"Cross, I'm sure that most of us are capable of taking care of ourselves on the way there," Lulu said. "But what do you have in mind for an end of this?"

"Yeah!" Tilestone added loudly. "We'll still be fighting that ambush anyway no matter what we do, so why is splitting up better?"

"Simple," I nodded as I addressed the bulky shipwright. "The purpose of this endeavor is to make dealing with that ambush a little more manageable. You Galley-La men, the Franky Family and the giants will go down mainstreet and at the forefront of the Marines' sight. Meanwhile, _we—"_ I spun my fingers around at my crewmates. "Will split up into teams and go down this place's backstreets, raising as much of a ruckus as we possibly can. While you guys will certainly draw a lot of attention on account of the size factor—" I jerked my head at the Giants and the King Bulls. " _We_ are the main actors of this show, and so they'll be forced to split both their attention and manpower in order to cover us both. And that's crucial to our success right now."

I gestured around at the piles of unconscious soldiers. "Quantity is the only advantage that these mooks have against us; we may have quality on our side, but we're still facing down a genuine _army_ , despite Luffy taking a him-sized bite out of them, and if we let them mine that advantage too much… well, remember that this is a _time_ -based mission. The second that Spandam realizes he's in over his head, he'll start moving Robin towards the Gates of Justice, and if she gets there, we've _lost_. This is the best option we have where we both save time _and_ come out of things relatively unscathed." I scanned over all the participants. "So… any complaints?"

None were forthcoming. Some of them looked nervous, but all nodded in acceptance nonetheless.

"Alright, then," Zambai and Paulie said in unison. They glanced at each other before Paulie continued. "It's the reason you need us here anyway. We'll meet up with you at the courthouse."

"Right. And again, watch out for mortar cannons, the Jurymen, and the—"

" **Incoming!"** Soundbite suddenly barked up. " _Ton of them,_ **coming in hot, HEAVY** _ **AND FAST!"**_

I glanced at Soundbite with a scowl. "Dogs. Looks like Baskerville managed to get back on the ball and send them out."

"Give me five seconds with them," Zoro grunted as he turned towards the street, rolling his shoulders.

"Psh," Sanji scoffed indignantly as he lit up a new cigarette. "Give me _one."_

"Hold it!"

The two thirds of the Monster Trio weren't the only ones to look at me in surprise.

"Ah, Cross—?" Conis started in confusion.

"I was actually hoping for this to happen," I said, forestalling any protests with a raised hand before glancing at my shoulder. "Soundbite, I have a request."

My snail leered malevolently. " **If you can hum it and I can fake it."**

I cracked my neck back and forth as I stared down the street, where blurs of movement were fast approaching. "Cry havoc and _coerce_ the dogs of war."

Soundbite nodded in agreement _._ " _ **Yes, sir. AH, AND**_ _Lassoo, Su?"_

The dog-gun, who I'd let down a minute back, and the cloud-fox looked at him warily. "Yeah?"

Soundbite's smile became downright _evil. "Cover your ears."_

The canines hastily slammed their paws over their ears—

 _ **FWEEEEEEEET!**_

Right before Soundbite let out an ear-shattering whistle.

The sheer volume of the whistle was enough to cause those humans with unprotected ears to flinch…

" _OWOWOWOWOW!"_

But the reaction was _far_ more prominent in the small army of dogs that collapsed into a pile-up of writhing and agonized bodies, too distracted by their pain to even react to their riders trying to rouse them.

Vivi gaped in awe at the display before her. "Holy…" she breathed numbly.

"But wait, there's more!" I grinned menacingly before cocking my head at Soundbite. "Lay down the law, little buddy."

" _Gladly,"_ Soundbite smirked before belting out a massive, attention-drawing whistle and adopting the Voice of God. " **LISTEN UP, MONGRELS! AS OF TEN SECONDS AGO, YOU ALL WORK FOR** _ **ME!**_ **I AM THE ALPHA,** _ **YOU**_ **ARE THE OMEGA! ANY PROTESTS, ANY REBELLIONS, ANY SHIT WHATSOEVER, ANYTHING LESS THAN COMPLETE AND UTTER SUBMISSION, WILL BE MET WITH IMMEDIATE** _ **AGONY**_ **. GOT IT?"**

There was a moment of stunned confusion as the wolves muttered amongst themselves and some of the savvier riders tried to unlatch themselves from their mounts. All of a sudden, one of the foremost wolves managed to work itself to its feet and snarl at us.

"Listen here, you slimy little—!"

 _ **FWEEEEET!**_

" _YEARGH!"_ The wolf collapsed into a flailing mess, clawing at his ears in agony as the _rest_ of the wolves shrank away in terror.

" **ANY OTHER TAKERS?"** Soundbite drawled with a flat tone and look. He then re-donned his usual smirk when the rest of the hounds shrank back and bowed their heads fearfully. " **THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. Now, then… your marching orders are simple…"** An evil glint entered Soundbite's gaze. " _Regarding every last Marine and World Government soldier on this island:_ _ **RIP AND TEAR…**_ _**UNTIL IT IS DONE."**_

For a moment, a brief moment, the hounds merely looked blankly at Soundbite. And then, one and all, the same bloodthirsty grin played over their faces. I heard more than a few mutters of "Sorry, Boss Jabra", but soon enough, the wolves turned tail and darted down the street and into sidelong alleyways, dragging their helpless riders along with them.

I grinned confidently as I turned around and dusted my hands off. "And that's that."

While most of our allies were staring after the wolves and at me in horrified shock, a lot of my crewmates were just straight-up jaded.

"You _do_ realize that you are a _legitimate_ monster, right, Cross?" Su asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"And _damn_ proud of it, considering where I started from and who I'm directing it all towards," I smirked back. "Now, then, what say we divvy things up, hm?"

"I call dibs on going with Oimo and Kashi!" Usopp spoke up hastily, in a tone that contained, admirably enough, marginally more eagerness than fear.

"I'll second that notion, though we'll be fighting street-level!" Boss thumped a fist to his chest. "Your strategy's as good as any, but someone's gotta hold the line and damn if we're _not_ gonna be a part of it! _Right, boys!?"_

"HELL YEAH!" the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad pumped their fists in agreement.

"Who else…" I tapped my chin thoughtfully before adopting an impish grin as I started to glance towards our resident Monsters.

"Meh, I don't care," Zoro grumbled. "Wherever we are, it's going to be boring as shit until we get to the Tower. I think I'll just walk straight there."

"For once, I agree with the Mosshead," Sanji added with an indifferent shrug.

"Then in that case, maybe you two can take the time to team—GRK!" I froze in terror and stared at the blade and leg hovering within inches of my face. "OK, OK, I won't speak mad—er, _that kind_ of madness, just no more physical therapy!"

"Ah, Sanji!" Vivi hastily piped up. "Considering just how… _treacherous_ this endeavor will be, would you mind acting as my escort alongside Carue?"

"AT ONCE, MY DEAREST PRINCESS!" Sanji called out as he spun over to her.

"Yo, Mosshead!" Su had the courtesy to yap up. "Your swords versus my girl's guns. Want to see who can get the higher headcount?"

" _What!?"_ Conis yelped in shock.

Zoro, for his part, leered eagerly as he rested his arm on his swords' hilts. "Sounds like fun to me."

"Now, wait just a second—!"

"Loser swabs Merry's deck for a month."

"Fine by me, puffball."

" _Stop making bets without my say-so!"_ the gunner wailed, flailing her arms frantically.

Su's _very_ mature response was to stick her tongue out.

I blinked at the sudden turn of events, but then shrugged and turned towards the remaining crew. "So, Nami, Chopper, you two with me?"

"No complaints here," Chopper piped up, while Nami simply nodded.

"Right, then, let's get going. Godspeed, everyone."

And with that, we all split up and headed off. Chopper and Nami followed me down an alleyway and into a nearby side street.

"So, Cross," Chopper spoke up hesitantly. "Coming with you is all well and good, but are you sure that we can handle ourselves against _that_ many Marines? I mean…" He fingered the bandoliers of vials he had strapped across his chest. "I only have so much ammunition, even if I _can_ make more on the fly…"

"And in case you hadn't noticed…" Nami held up the hand holding her Clima-Tact, prompting the clouds flowing around her to form into a hand and wave… for all of a second before lunging at me, at which point she grabbed her own wrist and hastily brought them back under control. " _I'm_ still trying to keep this little doo-dad under control here! Is this really the best of ideas?"

"Absolutely!" I confidently assured them. "In fact, I even have a plan! Ah, but first!" I hastily snapped a finger up. "Apropos of nothing, Soundbite… Are there any mortar emplacements within your range at the moment?"

Nami and Chopper paled for every bit that Soundbite and Lassoo grinned.

 **-o-**

" _Puru puru puru puru, Puru puru—KA-LICK!"_

"Hello?"

" _C-Commodore Smoker, Captain Hina! This is Master Chief Petty Officer Coby calling in from Marineford HQ! I apologize for calling at such a late hour, b-but I have new orders for you from Fleet Admiral Sengoku himself! As of this moment, you have been reassigned from running patrols in Mid-Paradise! You are to gather your crew and present yourselves at Enies Lobby ASAP!"_

The two Marines exchanged carefully sculpted looks for a moment, the name of the officer ringing familiar to them as one of Cross' recommendations, before Smoker regarded the snail with a sigh. "Apologies, Master Chief Petty Officer, but you've caught us at a bad time."

" _W-Wha—!?"_ Coby started to squawk in a panic…

" _ **EXCUSE ME?!"**_

Before the snail suddenly roared indignantly, its apoplectic expression taking on a golden sheen in the process. For a moment, the two Marines flinched back; upsetting Sengoku was on the brink of suicidal… but then, with what they were doing, so were they.

" _ **YOU HAD BETTER HAVE THE BEST EXCUSE OF YOUR CAREERS FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO REPORT IN HERE, OR ELSE I'LL HAVE YOU ASSIGNED TO SCRUBBING THE**_ **OUTSIDE** _**OF IMPEL DOWN FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE CAREERS!"**_ the hellish Buddha roared.

Hina shivered in horror as she tried to get her nerve back. " _Terrified, Hina is very, very terrified…"_ she whispered to herself before steeling her back. "Our sincerest apologies, Fleet Admiral, but we've beached Smoker's ship and my fleet for a routine cleaning of their hulls."

"We began the cleaning process an hour ago," Smoker picked up as he procedurally ashed his cigar. "And the un-beaching process will take too long. By the time we reach the Judicial Island, I'm sure that the action will be over and we'll be left with half-cleaned ships that we'll have to _re-_ beach." The Smoke-Man cocked his eyebrow. "What sounds like a better use of our time to you, Fleet Admiral?"

There was a pause as the snail ground its teeth to dust before the glow died away and the Fleet Admiral managed to speak in a slightly calmer voice. Or at least, rather than speaking with unconcealed murderous rage, his voice held _badly-_ concealed murderous rage. " _Move up your plans, finish cleaning your ships as fast as your hands can manage, and set sail to receive further orders._ _ **Am. I. Understood?"**_

"Yes, sir," the officers saluted swiftly.

The connection cut out a second later, and Hina allowed a smirk to grow on her face as she sank back into the lawnchair she was seated in, stretching her arms above her head with a few grateful skeletal pops as she allowed the rays of Tenedores Island's eternal sunset to wash over her. "You know, it took more control than I care to admit not to say 'How could we have known that the Straw Hats were going to try assaulting Enies Lobby?'"

Smoker sighed as he sank back into his own chair, but the corners of his mouth twitched upwards nonetheless as he held up a glass of vividly colored alcohol to his old friend. "Here's to the Straw Hats kicking the World Government's teeth in, and Rooster potentially kicking a World Noble's teeth in if I understood him properly. Here's hoping that they survive."

"Kan. Pai," Hina enunciated calmly, clinking her own glass against Smoker's and taking a drink before glancing over her shoulder. "Well, you heard the man! We need to have enough progress done on our ships to fit our timelines! Hop to it, and make sure not to miss so much as a _spot!"_

"AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN!" the Marine soldiers currently working on the undersides of nine of the dozen battleships shouted back with no small amount of venom.

"Grnrghrghghhh…" Jango growled beneath his breath as he furiously scrubbed the brush he was wielding against a particularly resilient patch of barnacles. "Would someone mind explaining to me _why_ we're working ourselves to the bone when the whole _point_ of this little ruse is for us to _drag our damn heels!?"_

"According to _Commodore_ Smoker," Tashigi bit out as she maneuvered Shigure around the snapping jaws of several still-living meter-large barnacles in order to stab them through their shells, her tone clearly saying that she wanted to replace the word 'Commodore' with something far less endearing. "Just because we're putting up a false pretense is no reason for our work ethic to suffer. Of course, seeing as both he and Hina are Captain-grade and higher, apparently their work ethic has already been _proven!"_ The last word was emphasized with the decapitation of yet another bottom-feeding pest.

"That, and the fact that we have every reason to avoid any more suspicious behavior than we have to," Fullbody grumbled as he shook his aching knuckles out. "Though personally? I think that those two can take their precious 'work ethic' and shove it up their—!"

" _Problems,_ you three?"

"SIR, NO SIR!" the Marine Officers barked in barely concealed terror.

"Good," Smoker huffed as he relaxed in his lawnchair before directing a look at the Transponder Snail. "Now try and keep it down. We're about to return to some primetime entertainment."

As he turned back to the SBS, he reflected on the fact that he was actually considering a pirate radio to be primetime entertainment. A year ago, he would have hung up without a second thought, deeming any pirate a criminal not worth listening to.

Now, however…

Smoker grinned viciously as the sounds of all-out warfare erupted from the mouth of the snail.

Now he could think of no better pastime than to hear the World Government get its teeth kicked in.

"Give 'em hell, Straw Hats…" he muttered beneath his breath.

 **-o-**

"Ship sighted, captain!"

"Alright, good!" Bartolomeo called up to the lookout. "Apis, are you ready for this?"

The young girl glanced down at the snoozing Transponder Snail in her lap before taking a deep breath and nodding decisively, her fingers still buried in her companion's mane. "As ready as I'll ever be."

Bartolomeo nodded back, and waited, Apis' eyes shut in concentration. The ship crept closer and closer, completely unaware of the nearby pirate ship. Finally, Apis' eyes opened, and Bartolomeo jerked his hand down. "Alright. Fire!"

The cannons on board the Cannibal fired towards the oncoming yacht. It was one of those newfangled steamships capable of moving without sail power. Of course, considering the expense and fragility of the steam engines, only a Celestial Dragon could afford one, and even by their standards it was a clear vanity project. More importantly, it lacked sails so it could look pretty, and was propelled by a pair of large paddle boxes on the sides of the ships.

All of which meant that when a half-dozen cannonballs smashed into the paddle box and reduced it to so many splinters, the ship was completely dead in the water. Bad design, that, but what else could one expect from a vanity project yacht, designed by Nobles for Nobles?

"They're sending the distress signal, captain," Apis reported, her eyes scrunched up in concentration as she clutched Kula's shell, the snail in question half-awake and blinking blearily. "I'm trying to talk to their snail now."

"Pull us alongside!" Bartolomeo barked. "Valentine, you're up!"

The lemon-clad woman immediately jumped off of the mainmast, floating over to the yacht… at which point she went to her full 10,000 kilograms and smashed into the ship, buckling the sides and throwing shattered planks into the air. With the response by onboard security thoroughly fucked, the helmsman had no problem bringing the Cannibal in a hundred yards off to the yacht's side.

Stepping up to the railing, Bartolomeo crossed his arms in his usual pose, a shimmering barrier crossing the gap between the two ships in a nice, even platform. "Alright, go go go!" he barked.

"Wait!"

The ex-mafia boss glanced back at Apis. "What?"

"I've got the snail!" she reported. "He'll cut off the distress signal, but only if we bring him with us." She scowled darkly. "Apparently, the Celestial Dragons treat Transponder Snails as well they do anyone else. On a _very_ related note, I'll take five minutes with whoever's on that ship when you're done with them."

"Noted. And you heard that, Gin?" Bartolomeo confirmed.

The ex-Krieg pirate nodded, before joining the stream of pirates heading over towards the Celestial Dragons' ship. Bartolomeo himself waited a few more minutes before hopping onto the barrier and running across.

He found a scene of complete and utter pandemonium. True, the Celestial Dragons had of course brought a security detail, and in spite of the fact that they rarely if ever saw any action due to no one in the world being stupid enough to attack the World Nobles, they were relatively decent, too. But against his pirates, in the dead of night? They were outnumbered and outmatched. Whether they had been shot, stabbed, slashed, crushed, or blown up, the majority were scattered, unmoving, over the shattered deck.

 _ **BANG!**_

Bartolomeo sighed as a bullet pinged off of the barrier he'd reflexively thrown up. He turned around to look at a rotund, mustachioed man holding a smoking pistol and wearing a bubble helmet, way-too-tight briefs, and little else. A young, equally scantily-clad slave girl was held in the Celestial Dragon's other arm, her gaze tight with fear.

"Aw, geeze, man," Bartolomeo groaned, snapping a hand up to cover his eyes. "Do you have _any_ idea how hard it is to get rid of memories like this? This barrier can block a lot of shit, but psycho-whosits torture isn't a part of it!"

"Psychological," Mr. 5 provided as he dug out more ammunition from his nostril.

"Yeah, that."

"How dare you, assaulting my ship like this!" the Celestial Dragon roared back. "I'll give you one chance. Submit to being my slaves, or be tossed into the deepest, darkest depths of Impel Down!"

Gin answered for them all by punching him in the face, shattering his helmet and dropping him like sack of potatoes.

"Aw, c'mon, Gin, I wanted to do that!" Bartolomeo whined. "Plus, I'm the captain, I got first dibs!"

"I stopped putting my captains on pedestals after my last crew," the tired-eyed man scoffed as he rolled his shoulder. "Anyway, you can kick him in the ribs for all I care. I've got my pound of flesh."

"Still, though, it's the principle of the damn matter!"

Mr. 5 sighed as Bartolomeo and Gin got into another squabble, and carefully took the slave girl, standing petrified next to the downed World Noble, by the shoulders. "Did he _really_ think he could take us?" the former agent drawled, more to himself than her. "I suppose it doesn't matter. Now, let's see if I remember how to pick this kind of lock…"

"Kyaaaa!"

All eyes turned to the hole in the deck as a screaming and flailing Miss Valentine was launched out of it by a mountain of a man dressed in a black suit and sunglasses, a Marine overcoat with Captain's insignia on top and a massive silver halberd in his hands.

"Pirate scum," he rumbled, winding up a swing at Bartolomeo. The halberd promptly shattered upon the barrier, and the Captain only had time to widen his eyes before Gin and Bartolomeo negligently lashed their respective tonfa and force fields at him, slamming him into the water, and not missing a beat in their argument.

"—And do you know how much fun it is to feel the cartilage breaking under your bare hands?!" their captain demanded. "I think you do! And that just makes it worse!"

"Nggnn…"

"Shut up, you!" Bartolomeo barked, stamping down on the groaning World Noble's face. "You don't get an opinion!"

"Those two are monsters," Mr. 5 muttered as the lock finally clicked under his hands. "There we go, you're free to—"

"LOOK OUT BELOW!"

"—what the—?"

 **CRASH!**

"Owww, that never gets any better…" Miss Valentine griped as she rubbed her ass before holding up the torn, battered skeleton of her parasol before her eyes. "But also totally not my fault! Will you look at this?! The damn bastard shredded my umbrella!" She reached up, and then growled as she found something missing. "And I lost my hat, too! Someone tell me where that bastard is so I can get Mr. 5 to kick his ass!"

"I'll get right on that…"

The female assassin blinked and looked around in confusion for a second before turning her gaze downwards to observe the thoroughly stunned Mr. 5 she was sitting on. "Oh. Uh… oops?"

"Captain and Gin knocked him into the drink, anyway," Apis said as she floated over on Lindy's back. "Please tell me one of you idiots got the Transponder Snail?"

"Right here, Miss Apis," one of the crew members reported, holding out the snail in question.

"Good job," she said, taking the snail and stroking its neck. "Now, where is that World Noble— _hurk!"_ She cut herself off when her eyes fell on the rotund, near-nude form of the man in question. "Ooookay, never mind. I wouldn't make Lindy touch that bastard with a ten foot pole."

The juvenile Millennial Dragon in question warbled out a sickened groan of agreement.

"—And that's why you're the biggest jackass I've ever met, and that's saying—!"

"Hold that thought." Bartolomeo cut his first mate off with a pair of crossed fingers and a barrier, ignoring him as he pounded on the invulnerable wall in favor of addressing Apis' presence. "You ready for the next step, pintsize?"

"Anything besides looking at that man again," the young girl muttered, before glancing up into the sky. "Now, where are… _there_ you are." The Devil Fruit user waved her hand up at the sky, in response to which a seagull floated down from where it had been circling the ocean, letting out a caw of annoyance.

"Yes, yes, I know," the girl sighed, rolling her eyes and pulling out a slice of bread that she tossed to the seagull. "Feel any better?"

The gull's cawing suddenly took on a _much_ more pleasant-sounding tone.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Apis rolled her eyes with a scoff. "Okay, Captain, we just need to follow the gull."

"You heard her, boys!" Bartolomeo barked. "Let's get out of here before a Marine Admiral shows up!"

 **-o-**

On any other day, the streets of Enies Lobby would have been a perfect example of the clockwork perfection of the inner workings of the Marines and the World Government: Paperwork filed neatly and precisely, drills practiced to perfection, and an ever-present garrison of soldiers just waiting for an opportunity to fight to uphold the Justice of the World Government!

However, in truth, this was merely the surface of Enies that was presented to the world. In truth, the state of Enies was _far_ less impressive. After fifty years of pirates never managing to so much as scratch the gates that Oimo and Kashi guarded, the soldiers of the Marine Corps and the World Government had started to view Enies Lobby as little more than a vacation posting. Protocols were relaxed, drill schedules dwindled away into nonexistence, and ultimately the island fell lax.

This laxness bit the Marines in the ass on the day that the Straw Hats attacked, and it bit them _hard._

This was evidenced in the panic that was sown amongst the Marines as they desperately scrambled to prepare _some_ form of defensive line in order to face the onslaught of pirates that they just _knew_ was coming their way.

Credit where it was due, it was impressive enough that they'd managed to muster enough coordination to form any kind of line at all, but the endeavor fell apart in the most vital step of all.

"What do you mean you haven't done bayonet drills in ten years?!"

"Mortars! Where are those damn mortars?!"

"You call that a line? My five-year-old could make a better line than that! And does, on the wall, every single day!"

"Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no—!"

That is to say, the execution.

Still, lack of practice aside, the men of Enies _were_ still soldiers, so even if their coordination was lacking, it wasn't as if it was entirely _nonexistent._ As such, the soldiers were just starting to make some actual headway…

"H-Hey! HEY! PIRATES! I SEE PIRATES COMING!"

When a lookout stationed on a rooftop just _had_ to go ahead and kick the hornet's nest again.

However, before the soldiers could start to panic, one of the officers present in the mob cut through the chatter with a sharp whistle.

"BELAY THAT, SOLDIERS!" he roared as soon as he had the majority's attention. Every Marine present froze, and the officer nodded in satisfaction. "Well. Looks like you lumps of lard do have a few scraps of discipline left in you. And as for you…!" he barked up to the lookout. "Marine! How many pirates, and what weapons do they have?"

"Ah…" The lookout peered down the street hesitantly. "I, ah… I see three—!"

"You heard the man! Now, we might be outnumbered three to one, but—!"

"Ah, sir? That's not quite right. We… actually outnumber them."

"Huh? But you said that you saw three hundred of them!"

"No…"

It was at that point that the pirates in question rounded a corner and came into full view.

"I said that there were _three, period."_

And indeed, much to the surprise and bemusement of the Marines, that's all that there were: One orange-haired woman with a metal staff and a nimbus of clouds floating around her, one short, fur-covered Zoan wearing a top hat with vials strapped across his chest, and one man wearing a baseball cap gripping a large cannon with one hand, a baton with another, and carrying a grinning snail on his shoulder.

Just three pirates, no more, no less.

And yet they managed to terrify all one hundred of the soldiers with the smiles they were sporting.

To be fair, however, the smiles the pirates were sporting were far from normal. Well, no, that wasn't quite true. They _seemed_ normal, at first glance. But a longer look revealed lips drawn just a little too wide, cheek muscles just a little too tense, and far, far too many teeth for comfort. And the eyes, oh, the eyes! Those smiles reached the pirates' eyes, and many a Marine wished they didn't, for the eyes glinted with a mix of sadistic glee, mean-spirited mischief, and plain old-fashioned murderous _hate_. What their eyes said about those smiles was absolutely not something to contemplate.

In short… the pirates made up for their numerical inferiority by sheer bowel-loosening _terror._

Whispers were swiftly born amongst the uneasy ranks of the Marines.

"T-That snail—! T-That's Jeremiah Cross, a-and Soundbite!"

"Oh no, oh no, there's nowhere to hide anymore, oh no, oh no—!"

"Y-Yeah, and that woman! T-That must be their navigator, Nami!"

"That cloud… R-Roronoa must be right, she really _is_ a witch!"

"Don't look her in the eye, lest she take your very soul and make you pay interest to get it back!"

"T-Then that monster with them… i-it's the mad doctor, Chopper!"

"Don't let him take me alive, shoot me if you have to, _just don't let him take me alive!"_

 _FWEEEET!_

The Marines were shocked into silence when a shrill whistle pierced the air from the direction of the pirates, drawing all of their attention back to them.

"Hello, Marine dipshits!" Jeremiah Cross's grin took on a taunting tone as he mockingly saluted them. "We're on our way to the Tower of Justice to go get our crewmate back! You poor saps all have the misfortune of happening to be in our way, but the fact is that you're not the ones we're here to utterly destroy. So, you all have two options: let us through…" The man's grin widened as his baton suddenly started crackling with electricity. "Or get _whipped._ What'll it be?"

"W-We're not afraid of you pirates!" stuttered one of the Marines with what little courage he could muster up. "T-There are a hundred of us here now, and our reinforcements will be here in a minute! T-T-There are thousands of us on this island, your lives are forfeit!"

The pirates took a second to glance amongst themselves and exchange grins before starting to chuckle morbidly.

"Reinforcements?" Cross snickered as though he'd just heard a joke.

"Y-Yes!" the Marine reiterated, his stutter belying just how confident he really was.

"Oh, please," Nami scoffed as she shook her head in pity. "Let me share with you one of the things I've learned in my years of hunting treasure: quality is better than quantity… though both is even better…" She trailed off into silence as she stared off into nothing, a slight trail of drool escaping her slack smile. She was quick to recover when Cross whacked the back of her head, though, her smile shifting to sheepish.

" _I prefer quantity, myself; after all, you need large sample sizes for true_ _**SCIENCE!"**_ Chopper grinned menacingly.

"The point we're trying to make," Cross cut in, smirking as he spun his baton into his pocket. "Is that it just really doesn't _matter_ how many warm bodies you throw at us, because we're going to cut through them anyway to get to our comrade. The best way to put it… well." Cross shrugged helplessly. "Allow me to put my own spin on an oft-rehashed quote: 'Yea, though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we will fear no evil…'"

Cross suddenly shot his hand up and snapped his fingers, prompting a flurry of introductory pipe organ notes to ring out as Nami swung her Clima-Tact in front of her. The Marines recoiled in horror as a mass of impenetrable haze that had been hiding between the buildings of the street surged into the open to loom above the street like the shadow… of…

Several Marines actually _did_ lose control of their bodily functions as they made a most unfortunate leap of logic.

Beneath the shadow of the cloud, the light was angled in _just_ such a manner that it illuminated Cross's smile, expanding it to face-consuming proportions and making him look not like a demon, but a walking, half-decomposed _corpse._

" _For we are as death itself."_

The Marines had all of one second to let the phrase run through their terror-addled minds before a medley of bone-rattlingly loud voices suddenly began roaring.

" _FIRST YOU SEE US… THEN YOU DON'T!"_

The Marines froze as one and started to pant in terror as the fog suddenly surged past the pirates and consumed them, reducing the world to what they could reach out and touch.

" _NOW YOU HEAR US…_ _ **now you WON'T!"**_

The company of Marines jumped in shock when an uproar of noise erupted from everywhere around them, so utterly chaotic and maddening that it was impossible to determine where one noise started and another ended. The Marines tried to regain some semblance of normality for one second, two seconds, three…

Then, all of a sudden, dozens of shadows appeared all around them, towering and glaring down at the Marines, the noise and their roars now taking on a hellish rendition of _song_.

" _ **IT'S OUR SECRET OF SURVIVAL IN A VERY NASTY WORLD!"**_

One of the ranking officers opened their mouth in an attempt to bark orders over the pirates' din…

" _Guess you should have figured out some secrets of your own."_

And was promptly silenced by a metal-clad fist crushing into his mouth and laying him out flat.

" _NOW YOU FEEL US… NOW YOU CAN'T!"_

Overwhelmed, the Marines began frantically firing and slashing at the shadows. Some faded, others turned out to be fellow Marines, and yet others began contorting in the most inhuman of manners. One in particular distended for a brief second before seeming to burst out of the brume, the very clouds snaking out to grab one of the soldiers before flailing him around like a ragdoll, downing almost a dozen more Marines before flinging him into a wall with stone-shattering force.

" _ARE WE REAL? PERHAPS WE AREN'T!"_

One of the larger shadows suddenly surged forwards and rammed dead into the center of the soldiers, massive fists flailing and laying low Marine after Marine without fail. However, the moment the Marines tried to take aim at it, the figure vanished into nowhere. The next second, the Marines were flung into an almighty panic, half on account of the air being _ripped_ apart by numerous explosions erupting from… well, everywhere, the other half on account of their comrades suddenly collapsing to the ground with syringes sticking out of varying parts of their anatomy.

" **IT'S OUR SECRET OF SURVIVAL IN A VERY NASTY WORLD! IT'S OUR SECRET OF SURVIVAL IN A VERY NASTY WORLD!"**

One particularly skittish soldier gulped. "Is… Is it really such a nasty world?" he squeaked semi-hysterically.

Unfortunately for him, he received an answer in the form of a fist grabbing his collar and jerking him forward so that he was face to face with a pair of viciously grinning faces.

" _Oh, yes,"_ the smiles crooned in a tone that was way too calm for the sadistic glee it contained. " _A very nasty world."_ And with that, the larger of the two smiles surged forward and caved the soldier's nose in before dropping him and moving on.

" _ **Nastier than you could ever dream of!"**_

" _From up above!"_

Lightning lanced down from above unto the Marines, shattering what little cohesion they had left.

" _And from beneath!"_

A figure suddenly leapt out of the low-hanging fog, taking only a few seconds of grappling to jerk him down and out of sight, where in spite of all the madness being broadcast, _everyone_ could hear the sounds of the poor man screaming as his bones shattered.

" _Eyes and jaws!"_

Unseen by anyone, a diminutive figure measuring at a little under three feet dashed in amongst the legs of the Marines, an almost negligible pair of blades clutched in his hooves that he lashed out, slicing shallow but very precise cuts. The only sign the Marines ever received that he existed was when they suddenly collapsed without warning, their limbs refusing to comply with their desires no matter what they did.

" _Claws and teeth!"_

The fear factor ramped up another full degree when a _dog_ of all things suddenly leapt out of the low-hanging fog obscuring the ground from sight, leaping onto one of the few officers left standing and dragging him down into the fog in a flailing ball of fear and fangs.

" _Ready to attack you, you're a Mook, you'd better run! Don't come fighting with a pirate if you haven't got a gun!"_

Devilish cackling filled the air as one of the few remaining Marines attempted to crawl away from the madness, shakily removing a Transponder Snail from his jacket and doing his best to ignore the hellish hymn going on as he fumbled for the button hidden on the shell he knew would cause the snail to start bawling out an SOS. He then regretted the action when the snail started _literally_ bawling in his hands.

" _Every creature for survival has to look out for itself! Got no nannies here, or grannies, dear, to look after your health!"_

The next line faded out as a chorus of bloodcurdling screams rang out, illusions of what looked like loving, motherly figures surrounding them contorting into nightmares straight out of Lovecraft. "Pickupickupickupickupickup—" the soldier muttered feverishly.

"—AND EVERY CHILD COULD TELL YOU THAT YOU'VE GOT NO BRAINS TO INTERFERE!" bellowed the voices. By now, the snail seemed to be getting nauseous from all of the sweat on the man holding it, who was currently in the process of running for the nearest building. As the voices let out a growing moan, he slammed the door behind him, and mercifully, the other end picked up.

" _Lieutenant Sims here, what is your emergency?"_ drawled a bored voice over the line.

" _First you see us… then you don't…"_ came the voices from outside, just audible enough to still be terrifying.

"I-I-I-I n-n-need r-reinforcements! H-Help! S-Someone, _anyone—"_

" _Now you hear us… now you won't…"_ came the whispers again. " _It's our secret of survival in a very nasty world!"_

The Marine's shuddering redoubled as he stared around in terror. "W-W-We're completely outmatched, we're b-b-being torn apart by the b-boatload, oh no, oh God—!"

" _H-Hey, hey! Pull yourself together, Marine!"_ Lieutenant Sims barked hastily. " _Hurry up and talk some sense, damn it!"_

" _Now you feel us… now you can't!"_

"Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God-oh-God—!"

" _DAMN IT, MARINE, WHO THE HELL IS ATTACKING YOU!?"_

" _Are we real? Perhaps we aren't!"_

" _DEMONS!"_ the Marine howled in terror. "T-THEY'RE DEMONS, _THEY'RE FUCKING DE—!"_

"Demons, eh…"

The Marine trailed off into a terrified gurgle as a metal-clad hand suddenly snagged the back of his skull and held it tight.

"Demons… Pffhahaha… you know, I actually really _like_ that. Yeah… Tony Tony Chopper, Nami, and Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite: the Demon Trio. I really, really like it. It's, shall we say… _appropriate?"_

The soldier could only whimper as the metal fingers slowly increased their pressure upon his scalp.

"See, on the crew, we already have what we call 'The Monster Trio'. Luffy, Zoro and Sanji. They're our top three fighters, our monsters. You see them, you immediately know that you're fucked because they can destroy you in a second. They're monsters, they're immediate threats, it's just who they _are._ "

The Marine's whimper devolved into a squeal when a pair of toothy smiles filled his peripheral vision. "Ah, but demons… demons are _normal,_ you see. They walk like normal people, talk like normal people, laugh, cry and love like normal people… Until you piss them off. Until you make them take off their mask and they show you what lies beneath. Because when that happens…"

Cross suddenly reared the Marine's head back—

 _CRASH!_

—and _slammed it_ straight through the nearest table he could find, crushing his head into the floorboards below.

" _We give you nothing short of hell itself!"_ Cross snarled at the yet-active Transponder Snail.

The Snail's response was to roll its eyes up in their sockets and keel over with a whimper.

Cross blinked in surprise before chuckling sheepishly as he scratched the side of his head. "Damn, I think I scared _myself_ a little there," he admitted. However, he then paused in his ministrations and allowed himself yet another grin. "Still, though… the Demon Trio… heheheh… I'll have to run that by them…"

And with that, the Pirate spun on his heel and started walking down the street.

" _It's our secret of survival, secret of survival, secret of survival,"_ he sang beneath his breath as he strolled back into the fog, spinning a crackling rod of metal in his fingers as he went. "It's our secret of survival in a very, very, _very_ nasty world…"

" _ **So nasty…"**_ the fog purred in agreement as it swallowed him whole.

 **-o-**

Apoo's eye twitched furiously as he stared at the yet-grinning Transponder Snail. "Apapa… well, if I didn't think it was a dumb idea to try messing with Cross _before…"_

"Ah, C-Captain, are you sure about this?"

"Eh?" Scratchman Apoo blinked as he was brought back to the there and then before glancing over at the crewmember next to him, who was practically quaking in his boots, and scoffed. "Bah! It's three ships! And the highest-ranking officer is a Commodore! Perfectly manageable." He sent a pointed glance at the Transponder Snail on a table next to him. "Of course, that's _if_ our intelligence is correct."

" _Hey, don't underestimate our intelligence skills!"_ the mask-sporting snail retorted indignantly. " _This is accurate as of yesterday, I'd bet Porche's makeup kit on it!"_

" _Not if you want to remain a man, you won't!"_

Apoo rolled his eyes as Foxy and his first mate descended into their _third_ argument of the conversation. "Why did I have to scrape the bottom of the barrel… bah, anyway. Did you at _least_ dig up some information on what the officers are capable of?" he asked in an attempt to get things back on track.

The line was occupied by the sound of scuffling for a few more minutes before the snail re-donned its mask and spoke up again. " _Right, right, where's that file… ah, got it! Task Force Cerberus. They're a rapid response force for this part of the Grand Line, supposed to be able to respond to any disturbance in a matter of hours."_ He snorted with a grim scowl. " _Not surprised Sengoku is recalling them; if he has more than fifteen battleships able to sortie in a few hours' notice at Marineford, I'll eat my own boxing gloves. Anyway, they're led by Commodore Blakely. She's an expert with wires, and recently upgraded from steel to that newfangled Wapometal for more versatility. Very, very dangerous, on the fast track for promotion to Vice Admiral."_

The Roar of the Sea's exasperation promptly morphed into wariness. "Apa… and… you know this _how,_ exactly?"

The long-arm's gut dropped when the grin on the other end suddenly became one that he had grown to associate with _Cross. "Oooh, a few ways. One is that I have_ quite _the extensive crew who don't all wear their masks 24/7 and who write reports upon returning from bar-hopping during shore-leave."_ Foxy's grin redoubled. " _Another is that Blakely has a tendency to be sloppy with her paperwork, and a new friend of mine was kind enough to share his contacts with me recently. Very… feh feh feh,_ well-placed _contacts, shall we say?"_

Apoo's wariness snapped straight to full-on dread. "Remind me, what the _hell_ is your bounty again?!"

" _FEEEEEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH~!"_

" _Er, captain? The other two officers?"_

"— _FEH FEH FE—"_ The laughter abruptly cut off in favor of a sharp cough. " _R-Right, moving on to the two Captains. One of them is Narwhal. Big guy, very strong, wields a supersized bazooka with special ammunition. Oh, and it's also a hammer. Needless to say, he's their primary long-range firepower. Then there's Lazor. He wields a pair of bladed tonfa, and he's quite good with them. Those two are strong for Captains, but, well, they're still Captains. No match for a pair of powerful crews like yourselves."_

{You got that damn straight!}

Apoo glanced to the other captain he was sailing with and nodded in acknowledgement. "Captain Dugong agrees with you, Foxy."

" _Of course he does! I know what I'm talking about! FEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"_

Captain Dugong turned away from the masked Transponder Snail to shoot a flat look at Apoo. {Remind me how you got involved with working with us, again?}

Apoo grimaced and glanced at the cackling snail. "Because I slipped up when I talked to the damn bastard on my way here and he figured out that I'm really friends with Cross." He paused for a second before shrugging and tilting his head side to side. "Aaaand I figured out that he's actually a subordinate of the Straw Hats, so for all that he's arrogant and I'm a bit ticked off that he's not here with us so as to maintain his anonymity, it's not like he's actually _that_ bad of a guy."

" _FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH!"_

Both Apoo and Captain Dugong glanced at one another with twitching eyebrows as Foxy continued to cackle at his self-proclaimed "genius". Before they could do more than that, though, another Kung Fu Dugong soared out of the water and landed on the deck, before lowering himself into a low bow to Captain Dugong.

[Captain, sir!] the Dugong barked. [We've located Task Force Cerberus, and the Great Kung Fu Galleon and its consorts are in position!]

[Good work!] Captain Dugong replied. [Prep the ships for action and wait for the signal!]

[Aye-aye!] And with that, the dugong bowed again and dove back into the water.

{We're good to go,} Captain Dugong signed to Apoo, followed by a series of numbers. {That sufficient for navigation?}

"Should be," was Apoo's reply. "Alright, we have our course! Bearing 308 degrees, maximum sail! Gun crews are to man the cannons!"

"Aye aye, captain!" came the decidedly unenthusiastic reply.

Captain Dugong quirked an eyebrow at that. {Are you sure they'll fight?}

"They'll fight, much as they grumble about me being utterly nutso," Apoo replied with an enthusiastic grin. "Gotta get them used to my stunts _somehow,_ right?"

" _FEH FEH FEH FE—Oh, wait, is that—? Feh heh, what a coincidence, we just spotted our target, too! I'll call you guys back once we're done so that we can meet up and have some drinks! On me, of course, because we're gonna be swimming in Marine alcohol once we finish with this raid! Good luck to you, my friends! FEH FEH FEH FEH FEH FE—KA-LICK!"_

Captain Dugong and Apoo rolled their eyes as the Transponder Snail clicked off, and the two settled back to keeping an eye on the horizon as the Sonic Speed of Sound tacked on the course set. It wasn't long before the sterns of the Marine battleships came into view, under full sail. Sadly, whatever the virtues of the Marine battleships, with their broad, deep, and very heavy hulls, speed was not one of them, and the Sonic Speed of Sound was rapidly gaining. The Marines, naturally, noticed this and began to turn around to face them.

"Captain…" one crewmember whined nervously.

"Wait for it…" Apoo muttered.

"Captain!"

"Wait for it…"

By now, all three battleships were broadside to the Sonic Speed of Sound, their gun turrets lumbering around to point some very large-caliber cannons at them.

" _CAPTAIN!"_ the crew shouted as one.

"Alright, alright! Bunch of wimps…" Sighing, Apoo put his fingers to his lips and blew, producing a deep, reverberating sound that seemed to vibrate the whole ocean. Then it passed, and for a moment, nothing happened.

Then, out of nowhere, three ships—one old, battered, and wearing its barnacles proudly, and two that would have passed for Marine ships were it not for their new turtleshell-pattern paint jobs—surfaced right underneath the Marine task force's keels, lifting the battleships under the combined force of their surfacing and the muscle power of the Dugongs manning them.

Of course, as physics dictated, what goes up must come down, and the battleships promptly fell off and onto their sides.

"Apapapapapa!" Apoo cackled as Marines began to swarm over the battleships' exposed side, snapping into the first stance of the Double-Joints Martial Arts Style. "Ready for a fight, Cappy?"

Captain Dugong smirked eagerly as he held his flipper out to his side. His first mate was swift to fill the waiting palm with a rod of green steel, a shimmering curved blade coming out of one side. Captain flexed his flipper around the naginata, spinning it around his form enough times that, were he even marginally less skilled, he'd be sliced to ribbons. Not to mention the railing suddenly acquiring a wood carving of Captain Dugong himself popping a thumbs up.

"Apapapapapa! Great answer!" Apoo cackled, putting his boot up on the railing. "Now… let's do this!"

And with that, the two Captains leapt over the edge of the ship and straight into battle.

 **-o-**

"…OK, Cross, be honest with me: how long were you planning that horror show back there?" Nami asked at last, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder as we strolled down the street and away from the scene of utmost carnage we'd created not a minute earlier.

I chuckled grimly as I folded my arms behind my head. "Come now, guys, you really think that with literally all of the thousands of inside jokes from my home at my disposal, Soundbite and I haven't planned at least a _few_ dozen instances just like this for scenarios just like these? I thought we'd take advantage of a bad situation and, you know, have a little fun." I tilted my head to grin at them. "You saying you guys didn't have fun, _or_ that you don't like the little badass moniker I came up with for us all?"

Nami glanced away with a slight blush as she scratched her cheek. "…More than my sanity is willing to admit…" she muttered sheepishly.

"For the sake of my Hippocratic Oath, I think I'll refrain from answering," Chopper deadpanned as he stared straight ahead.

" _Still say that_ **we should be a QUARTET,"** Soundbite sniffed in faux indignation.

"Not a chance, our crew is composed of Trios and that is an immutable fact," I scoffed as I waved my hand casually. "To change that would be to irrevocably warp the fabric of reality itself."

"What about the TDWS?" Chopper pointed out.

"Pre-packaged, doesn't count."

" _ **Still—!"**_

"Before we can start arguing over semantics," Nami cut in. "Does anyone know how far we are from the courthouse?" Her expression and clouds both darkened as she shot sidelong glares at us. "And any commentary on my position or my abilities will be met with _pain,_ got it? Just tell me when we'll hit the—"

She cut herself off as we turned a corner, revealing the courthouse looming larger than life over a rather impressive courtyard that was currently a scene of one-sided carnage as the rest of our small force _demolished_ the last remnants of the Marine defense force.

"…courthouse. Well, that answers that. Should we join in?"

"Eh, I dunno," I snickered, crossing my gauntlets behind my head. "Personally, I've already had my fill of petty fights for the moment. I'm fine with enjoying what's left of the show."

"Speak for yourself!" Lassoo howled as he leapt off my shoulder and charged into the fray with bloodthirsty eagerness.

Chopper watched the hound go with a slight twitch in his eye. "Our whole crew is just a _bundle_ of neuroses, isn't it?"

"But they're our neurotics, so it all balances out," Nami pointed out with a dry chuckle.

"Anyway, let's start walking; by the time we get over there, they should have finished and reached the front doors," I chuckled, taking my own advice and striding up to the massive structure.

And indeed, the time that we arrived at the doors, carefully picking our way around piles of downed Marines stacked like cordwood, was the same time that the rest of our crewmates reached it.

Of course, the first to greet us was a certain Hurricane of Love spinning up to grab our Navigator's hands.

"NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji cheered exuberantly. "I'm so glad to see that you were victorious in your battles! And might I just say that your clouds make you look as truly angelic as dear Conis herse—!"

 _THWAP!_

"Ow!" Sanji flinched before rubbing the back of his head with a sheepish chuckle. "Ah, sorry, Nami-Swan, I was just so happy to see you again, and— _eh?"_ Sanji cut himself off and stared down in confusion at the arm-like bands of cloud wrapped around him. "Uh…?"

"Grgrggh, stupid damn—!" Nami hissed in an embarrassed tone as she all but strangled her wrist.

"Pfhehehe!" I snickered behind my fist. "I take back what I said before: no need to bother yourself with getting therapy, this is just too much fun!"

 _THWAP!_

"Ow!" I flinched and chuckled anew as I rubbed the spot where the cloud had clocked me over the head. "Though admittedly I'll have to watch what I say around you, but eh, small price to pay."

 _THWAP-THWAP!_

The pair of blows, organic and meteorological alike, only made me laugh _harder._

Soundbite, meanwhile, shot a cheeky grin at his fellow shoulder-rider. "HOW'D THE _headcount contest_ _ **turn out?"**_

"Alas!" Su put the back of her paw to her forehead with an exaggerated sigh. "Alas, my dear companion put up an effort most valiant, but she lost by a matter of dozens! I'm afraid that she'll be swabbing poopdeck for the foreseeable future."

"And I'll be using _your_ stupid fluffy tail to do every inch of it!" Conis growled vehemently, strangling the air as she glared bloody murder at her companion.

"You'll have to catch me fi~irst," Su sang as she swished her tail back and forth.

" **Good luck hiding** _ **WITH ME ON**_ _the case!"_ Soundbite leered mockingly.

"Oh, I imagine that my task will be _much_ easier once I have myself a little slimy _snack."_ The cloud-fox emphasized her point with a snap of her fangs.

The boisterous gastropod responded with his own chomp. " _ **Bring it on."**_

"Oh, you _know_ I wi—!"

"Unless the peanut gallery has anything _meaningful_ to add," Zoro thankfully interrupted, causing the animals to flinch and grin self-consciously. "Let's move on before the damn bastards who have been trailing us in the shadows catch up to us. Agreed?" There was a moment of muttered agreements from us all. "Good. Leo, you want in on this?"

"A chance to deface yet more Government property?" Leo grinned eagerly as he spun his katana into a ready position. "Hell _yes."_

"Hey, hey, hey, hold on a second, you guys," I said hastily, jogging up beside them. "Go ahead and slash the doors, if you must, but leave the pieces in place, alright? I need a second to tell everyone what's up next."

The human and Dugong glanced at one another in confusion for a moment before shrugging indifferently. They then proceeded to _move_ , and while the door _looked_ like it was intact, I could definitely feel a stiff breeze flowing through it.

"Alright, then, everyone gather up!" I raised my voice, garnering the attention of pirate, shipwright, King Bull, and thug alike. "Phase one, the approach, is complete," I announced calmly. "Phase two, commencing ingress, proceeds as follows: we the Straw Hats head inside and towards the roof, where Luffy should be waiting for us, and the rest of you work on pulling the levers, located in the towers of the courthouse, in order to lower the drawbridge while keeping as many mooks as you can from following us, and making sure that they _don't_ stop the bridge from lowering. Though don't sweat it if you can't…" I grinned maliciously. "We'll still have a way in even if the bridge gets stopped. Everyone clear on the plan?"

Once more, everyone nodded in agreement.

"Glad to hear it! Now, then…" I gestured at Lassoo, prompting him to pad over me and leap into the air, allowing me to catch him and point his cannon-form at the door. "If you'll pardon me, I'm going to take this opportunity to say Number 9 on my List Of Things I Want To Say At Least Once In The Right Context™, which I composed after saying number one awhile back! And yes…" I tilted my head with a grin as I narrowed my eye and steadied Lassoo. "You _did_ hear a trademark in that. FIRE!"

 _ **KA-BOOM!**_

I strode through the gaping hole in the courthouse's doors as the smoke and rubble settled, Lassoo balanced on my shoulder and a shit-eating grin on my face.

"Order in the court," I announced confidently.

"Oy vey…" I heard Nami groan behind me.

" _You swiss-cheesy_ **motherfucker!"** Soundbite guffawed.

"Hey, it's a quote bucket list for a reason!" I chuckled as I looked through the settling dust.

It took me a minute to get past the fact that there was a large group of mooks looking at me, and the sheer scale of the courthouse; seriously, I'd been in more than a few impressive churches in my time, and damn, but this place was on par with Notre Dame in sheer stature. Then I turned towards the three-headed judge who was standing nearest the front, debating the appropriate course of action with himself. Then, questioning my sanity in every way possible, I proceeded to open my mouth…

"Oh, a _princess!"_ I cried, pointing at the center head.

Soundbite's expression promptly became fell into poleaxed confusion. "UHH… _**are you quite**_ **SANE?"**

Meanwhile, the central head gained a demure grin. "How sweet of you to notice," he purred.

The next instant, naturally, found the other two heads slamming into him. "DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM, YOU RABBLE-ROUSER!" they roared at me.

Soundbite shifted his look to the cerberus-human. "THE HELL—?"

"Oh, so _that's_ why the Central Freeway is closed for repair, because you keep headbutting it," I called out in a tone of realization.

"Precisely!" the center head said, only to be bashed again.

"SHADDAP!" the two other heads growled before turning to me. "AND THE SAME TO YOU!"

My snail promptly 'ah'd in realization. " **Now I get it!** _ **THEY'RE ALL INSANE,**_ _aren't they?"_

"Exactly! Though the one in the middle is easily the worst. I wonder if I can mess with them a little—!" _THWACK! "OW!"_

"You're taking too long, Cross," Zoro growled as I clutched the back of my skull in agony. "You're the one who keeps telling us that time isn't on our side. Start taking your own advice."

"Ugh, spoilsport," I grumbled as I pinned him with a stinkeye. "Hey, we're coming up on a bit that's as serious as the grave and I wanted to have a _little_ more fun before we got into it, sue me!"

"GLADLY!" yelled Baskerville and several onlooking soldiers as they drew their weapons.

My eye twitched in annoyance as I remembered where we were and stepped out of the way. "On second thought? Slice 'em up. And when it comes to the big boy, either aim horizontal or go straight down the middle."

"Right," Zoro grunted before adopting a familiar stance. Then the air began to ripple around him and his swords. Any other instance, I'd probably be wondering how the hell he managed to pull this move off.

"Three Sword Style: Charming Demon Sleepless Night…" Zoro's eyes flashed malevolently. " _ONI GIRI!"_

But right now? I was quite content to watch as the Marines fell like rain, Judge Baskerville included.

"Now," Zoro grunted as he re-sheathed Wado Ichimonji. "Let's get going."

"Lay on, MacDuff," I said, sweeping my arm forward before glancing over my shoulder at Nami. "Or, well, _Lady_ MacDuff as it were."

"Not so fast," growled a trio of voices, and I turned with annoyance but not much surprise to see the three part-giants pushing themselves back up. Their outfit had been reduced to tatters, but they seemed hardly worse for the wear judging by their glares and steady stances. "Court is in session."

"We plead guilty, and sentence ourselves to breaking out of Impel Down if we lose to CP9, and freedom if we don't," Sanji drawled.

" **COURT DISMISSED!** _ **BRING IN THE DANCIN' LOBSTERS!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

It was a true testament to the trio's synchronicity that all three of their foreheads erupted with infuriated veins at once.

"You dare to pass judgment in _our_ courtroom?" Bas snarled.

"Such impudence!" Kerville growled around grinding teeth.

"In this sacred house of justice…" 'Princess' rumbled murderously.

In a flash of motion, the trio surged forwards at us, swinging their blade down like a guillotine.

" _ **WE ARE THE LAW!"**_ they howled.

I got ready to duck behind Zoro…

 _ **KA-BOOM!**_

But found the motion to be suddenly rendered moot on account of the Judge(s) whipping their blade up to block an incoming cannonball.

"Hey, now…"

Attention shifted over to Zambai as he marched up to the judge with his still-smoking bazooka perched on his shoulder, flanked by the Square Sisters on one side and Galley-La's foremen on the other.

"I realize that we might not be as photogenic as the Straw Hats," Zambai continued as he loaded a new shell in his cannon. "But don't forget that we're in on this party too. We've got our own pride to think about, damn it!" He shot a thumbs up at us with a smirk. "You guys go on ahead and save your crewmate. Just leave this clown to _us."_

"And by the way, here." Paulie dug an envelope out of his jacket and tossed it to me. "I'd love to stuff this down Lucci's throat myself, but I'm not _that_ delusional. Just make sure that damn bastard gets the message. Clear?"

I grinned and gave the rope-master a two-fingered salute. "You got it. Give 'em hell, good sir!"

"DO YOU REALLY THINK WE'LL LET YOU GET PAST US!?" Baskerville roared as they swung their blade back.

 _CLANG!_

"YOU DON'T GET A SAY IN THE MATTER!" the Square sisters shot back as they blocked the swing in tandem.

"THAT'S RIGHT!" Tilestone bellowed as he pumped his fists in agreement.

"You think we can manage the Tree Nail Lock here?" Lulu asked, hammer and nails at the ready.

"It's sure worth a shot," Paulie replied with a grin as the collective Baskerville dodged another bazooka blast from Zambai.

"Well, looks like they've got this handled," Nami announced with a confident nod. "Come on, let's get moving!"

"Right behind you, Nami-swan!" Sanji spun after her eagerly, with the rest of us dead on her tail. With my eye on Zoro the whole time, we made it to the stairs easily enough. But unfortunately, as we neared the top…

" _Guilty. Guilty."_

I tensed in terror as a _fucking demented_ voice hit my ears and I put my head on a swivel. " _Shit,_ those crazy-ass Jurymen! Soundbite, where are they?!"

" **Ah…"** Soundbite spun his eyestalks around for a second—

" _GUILTY!"_

—before snapping them upwards in horror. " _ **ABOVE!"**_

I looked up along with him and I _very_ nearly lost my lunch when I caught sight of a _huge-ass ball of metal_ falling towards us from the rafters!

"MIGHT OF DAVID!"

Up until Mikey leapt at Leo and spring-boarded off of his crossed blades in order to leap up into the air, gripping each of his nunchucks tightly in his flippers, and caught said ball of metal with the freaking chain!

And he wasn't alone. While Mikey leapt at Leo, Donny spring-boarded off of Raphey's sai and rocketed up at an angle, shooting right past the ball—

"HEROD'S WRATH!"

At _just_ the right angle to spin and slam his bo-staff into the ball, sending both it and the vengeance-addled Juryman attached to it plummeting into the courtroom below.

Unfortunately, not only was the musclebound prisoner swift to get back on his feet…

" _GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!"_

He was swiftly joined by _ten_ others just like him.

"They're coming out of the damn _woodwork!"_ Raphey cursed vehemently.

Leo ground his teeth for a second as he observed the crowd of praetorian-esque soldiers before suddenly leaping over the edge of the staircase. "TEENAGE DUGONG WARRIOR SQUAD, _WITH ME!"_

" _RIGHT!"_ the rest of the adolescent Dugongs barked as they leapt after him.

"Wait, what the—!? _WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?"_ Boss roared after his students.

"WE'RE HOLDING THE GODDAMN LINE!" Leo shouted back as he and his teammates fell back to back, doing their best to keep all of their madly grinning opponents in sight. "YOU GUYS GO ON AHEAD, WE'LL KEEP THESE PSYCHOS OFF YOUR TAILS!"

Boss ground his teeth for a second before making the executive decision to snap his ropedart out at his pupils, albeit with the thermal-option deactivated. "THE HELL YOU BASTARDS ARE!"

Mikey's response was to shoot the dart out of the air with a swiftly-drawn pistol. "THE HELL WE _AREN'T!"_ he shouted back as he aimed his pistols about. "THIS IS OUR CHOICE, BOSS! SOMEBODY NEEDS TO WATCH YOUR BACKS, IT MIGHT AS WELL BE US!"

"YOU GO ON AHEAD AND RESCUE ROBIN, WE'VE GOT YOUR SIX!" Donny reassured us with a spin of his staff.

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT US!" Raphey roared as she ground her sai together in a flurry of sparks. "WE'RE THE GUARD FORCE OF THE STRAW HAT PIRATES! IF WE CAN'T HOLD OUR OWN, NO ONE CAN!"

"AND IN THE END," Leo tensed as he held his blades at the ready. "THERE'S ONE IMMUTABLE FACT THAT JUST CAN'T BE IGNORED! TO HOLD THE LINE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY FOR THE SAKE OF ONE'S COMRADES…"

"Oh, here it comes…" Nami groaned as she ground her palm into her forehead. Still, she was smiling just as wide as the rest of us.

The quartet of warriors proceeded to leap at the Jurymen.

" _THIS IS A MAN'S_ DUTY!"

Boss ground his teeth furiously as he watched his students brawl against the behemoths. "You little—! IF YOU BOYS DIE, I WILL PUNCH THE REAPER'S LIGHTS OUT SO THAT I CAN FISH YOU OUT OF HELL, _AND PERSONALLY PUT YOU BACK THERE MYSELF!"_

"GOOD LUCK, GUYS!" Usopp waved eagerly.

"DON'T FALL BEFORE THE BOYS DO, RAPHEY! GIRL POWER!" Su shouted.

"GO FOR THE GROIN!" Vivi encouraged. Every male in earshot paused long enough to shoot her a glare, the sole exception being Sanji, and even he didn't protest the many, many stinkeyes.

"Anyway, come on!" I waved for everyone to follow me as I continued up the stairs. "They've got this, now it's time that we do our part! _And_ _no cutting through the damn ceiling!"_ I shouted at Zoro.

" _Tch…"_

"WHY NOT? _WHY ARE WE_ _taking the_ _ **long way to the**_ **roof?"** Soundbite asked.

"Because if my memory serves me right…" I glanced upwards warily. "Odds are that Luffy is currently fighting Blueno, and we don't want to get in the middle of i—wait, what am I thinking? Can't you hear them?"

Soundbite visibly resisted the urge to _somehow_ facepalm as he narrowed his eyestalks in concentration.

" _ **I HEAR**_ **TWO GUYS up there besides the cap'n,** _ **and only**_ _ONE is conscious_ **.** _Judging by the_ _ **breath and heart pattern,**_ **BLUENO IS K.O. Currently, Luffy's fighting** _ **the other guy.**_ _Going by the fur, IT MUST BE THAT_ **WOLF** _ **ZOAN**_ YOU MENTIONED."

"JABRA?!" I snapped my head around to stare at Soundbite in shock.

" _Yeah…_ _ **but he sounds**_ **almost SCARED—** _ **OHHH,**_ _THAT'D DO IT!"_ Soundbite suddenly cackled ecstatically. "LUFFY'S _pissed. HE'S ABOUT TO BECOME_ **doggy kibble!"**

"Wait, the wolf was mine, right? Who am I going to fight now?" Sanji grumbled.

"My suggestion? Torture Spandam for what he did to Robin," I deadpanned.

Sanji promptly combusted. " _That'll work,"_ he snarled in malevolent eagerness.

"Speaking of…" I cast a sidelong glance at Soundbite.

The gastropod's expression promptly soured. " **Yeah, I got them.** _ **Robin and Franky are hurt…"**_ His scowl morphed into a grimace. " _And everything about the bastard gloating in front of them reads_ SCUM OF THE EARTH."

"Yeah, well— _WOAH!"_ I hissed in panic as I suddenly slammed myself back behind a corner I'd been about to round, narrowly missing a bullet aimed for my head. "Yeah, well, take solace in the fact that we're going to make his life suck _very_ soon. Can you tell me when he looks out his window in a panic?"

" **Oh, yeah,** _ **easily!"**_

"Good," I flicked my baton out as I got ready to head out. "Then do that, and then we'll _really_ be able to make that bastard squirm. For now, however?"

I joined my crewmates in charging the hapless defenders.

"GET THEM!"

 **-o-**

"We're a few nautical miles from our destination, Captain!" Apis called down from the crow's nest. She then glanced up at the seagull wheeling away from them with a hesitant look before continuing. "And can I just say that I _really_ don't like this plan? I've been talking to our guide, and according to him, this place's reputation _undersells_ the reality! _Birds_ don't even chance flying over it unless they can enter the stratosphere, and even then they consider it a gamble!"

Bartolomeo menacingly leered up at the Whisper-Girl. "So, basically, what you're saying is that it's a hellish deathtrap that no sane entity, human or otherwise, would ever dare enter no matter what?"

Apis hesitated slightly before exchanging uneasy looks with Lindy and then looking back down at their captain in dread. "Yes?"

Bartolomeo's shark-like grin all but split his face. " _Perfect!"_

The girl hung her head with a tearful sob. "Why, oh, why couldn't we have been saved by the Straw Hats?" she moaned dismally.

Lindy warbled thoughtfully.

Apis' head promptly jerked as the point hit her dead-on. "Oh, yeah, you're right… they _would_ have been worse, wouldn't they?"

"You got _that_ damn right!" Valentine and 5 called up in acrid tones.

"SHUT IT!" Barto barked at the top of his lungs before nodding at Apis and jabbing a thumb at the crew's newest Transponder Snail. "Alright, brat, get this snail to call the biggest fish it knows and let's get this show on the road!"

Miss Goldenweek cocked an eyebrow in dull interest as she watched the other pre-adolescent on the crew converse with the snail, biting into a ricecracker she was holding before angling her head towards Gin. "Remind me why we're doing this again?"

Gin maintained his own neutral expression as he angled his head towards the painter. "According to the Boss, we're calling the Marines so that we can take credit for attacking that Noble and draw whichever Admiral they send after us on a wild goose chase, which is why we're in these godforsaken waters in the first place."

Goldenweek hummed noncommittally as she sank her teeth into the cracker. "And in reality?"

Gin moaned wearily as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "He wants to taunt the Marines for shits and giggles because he thinks it's fun as hell and because it's what he thinks the Straw Hats would do."

Goldenweek's cracker snapped in half in her mouth. "…You ever wonder how the hell we got into this kind of a situation?"

" _Every single day."_ Gin held his pose for a second before allowing a minor smile to quirk out from behind his hand. "Mind you, that doesn't mean I'd want to be anywhere else."

"Preach it," the diminutive artist drawled as she held up a fist, which Gin met halfway with his own.

"EVERYONE CLAM IT!" Barto suddenly bellowed at the top of his lungs, causing his crew to fall silent as he jabbed a thumb at the vibrating snail resting on a nearby crate. "It's ringing! We should get a connection any sec—!"

He was promptly interrupted by the Snail in question barking out a _KA-LICK!_ and snapping to attention.

Barto turned to face the snail with a grin that was equal parts shiteating and bloodthirsty, his arms and fingers crossed in front of his chest.

"Helloooooo, Marine Headquarters! This is Black Bart Bartolomeo, calling to—!"

" _We know exactly who you are, Black Bart,"_ came a voice that was most decidedly _not_ Fleet Admiral Sengoku—or any Marine officer, for that matter. It was, however, powerful enough to freeze Bartolomeo in place. " _And we would like to know_ how _you managed to get ahold of this number and why you are calling us."_

Bartolomeo hesitated for a moment before steeling his back and transitioning his leer into a scowl. "I stole this snail off the ship of a World Noble whose nose I _personally_ —" The hooligan-turned-pirate shot a warning look at his first mate, cowing him into silence before continuing. "Broke with my bare knuckles. I'm calling you bastards so that I can take credit for the goddamn public service I committed, and so that I can lay a message at the feet of the highest fucker on the foodchain I can get my hands on."

It was a credit to the speaker that he didn't even twitch an inch as he regarded Bartolomeo by proxy with an expression akin to boredom. " _And what you would like to share with us?"_ it requested.

 _SLAM!_

The crew of the Cannibal jumped in shock as Bartolomeo slammed his hands on both sides of the crate so that he could better loom over the snail, his visage absolutely beastly.

"Come and fucking get me, _pigs,"_ he spat venomously.

There was a moment of silence, followed by the voice speaking up with only a trace of anger amidst the flat calm. " _Well, seeing as you managed to acquire one of the few Transponder Snails in the world with a direct line to we, the Five Elder Stars, I suppose you may very well consider your message as having been_ received."

Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine, along with several of their crewmates, promptly fainted, whereas Gin had to scramble to simultaneously catch an insensate Apis before she could hit the deck _and_ whack Miss Goldenweek on the back as she inhaled her ricecracker whole and started choking on it.

Bartolomeo's smile, meanwhile, dropped into an expression of utmost horror that indicated that he was only a few seconds away from voiding his bowels. However, said expression remained in place for only five seconds before his grin returned, more bestial than human now.

"Well, while I still have your attention…" he growled. " _Do your fucking worst."_

The Transponder Snail narrowed its eyes and leaned forward in turn. " _Admiral Akainu and five battleships will be with you shortly to do just that."_

Bartolomeo opened his mouth to say something else—

" _WOAHSHIT!"_

When a wave of pure _presence_ suddenly swept over the deck. The barrier-man only just managed to stay conscious and catch himself on the crate he was leaning over as the wave struck him like a sledgehammer. The rest of his crew, however, wasn't even remotely so lucky. Rather, about half of them collapsed on the spot with foam bubbling from their mouths. Not even the snail from which the wave originated was spared, and the connection was cut as it too sank into blissful unconsciousness.

Bartolomeo took a few minutes to regain his senses, upon which he turned towards the only other person on the ship who was not out cold. "I think we got their attention," he said in an attempt at bravado.

"No fucking shit. So, what are we going to do now, _Captain?"_ Gin whispered harshly; he had no idea what that was, but neither Krieg nor Straw Hat nor anything that he had experienced since he swore his loyalty to Bartolomeo had been remotely close to that level of intimidation. It was the final confirmation to him that he was insane, if he was opposing anyone capable of doing that through a _freaking Transponder Snail call._

"Now?" Bartolomeo asked before adopting an ear-to-ear sharktooth grin. "Now we run."

Gin swallowed heavily before nodding firmly. "I never thought I'd say this about retreating… but that's what I was hoping you'd say." With that, he blew out a sharp whistle and swung his arm in order to garner his conscious crewmates' attention. "ALRIGHT, EVERYONE HOP TO IT! DROP THE SAILS AND GET US MOVING, NOW NOW NOW!

It was slow going; many of those onboard were clearly in no hurry to wake up, and only the elapsed time and sailing managed to counterbalance that enough that they had enough people up and working to sail the Cannibal. The fear of what was coming was a mixed motivator; some of the crew were spurred on to avoid it, while others were too overwhelmed to stay conscious.

Eventually, however, the moment that they were waiting for (read: absolutely _dreading)_ arrived: all at once, the wind ceased moving them forward, and the tide ceased swaying beneath them.

"So, _Captain,_ " Miss Goldenweek grit out nervously as she stared over the edge of the Cannibal at the _unnaturally_ placid waters they were floating in. "I'll admit that the Calm Belt is probably the safest place in the world to hide from the small army after our hides; they may be able to somehow slip through with their ships, but that won't keep the Sea Kings from seeing them when they surface to get _us_. But there's one thing that I—and all of _us_ for that matter—want to know." She snapped a fearful look at her Captain. "How do you expect _us_ to survive here long enough for Sengoku to get a leash back on the Mad Dog?"

"Hehahahaha!" Bartolomeo threw his head back and roared with laughter as he crossed his arms and fingers. "It's simple, brat! Hell, it's so simple, it's pure _brilliance!_ See, Sea Kings are just like dinosaurs, right? And the thing about dinosaurs is that they won't go after anything that's not moving! So, so long as we don't start paddling or rocking the Cannibal too much and keep quiet for a few days until this whole mess blows over, then we'll be in the free and clear! Genius, huh?"

For how tense the atmosphere became, they may as well have been experiencing the air deficiency that came from the White Sea.

"And how exactly do you figure that that will work when literally nobody else has ever done that?" Valentine whispered incredulously.

"Because they're always in such a hurry to get out of the Calm Belt, of course! They never stick around long enough to try it!"

Silence reigned anew for a moment until Apis hesitantly raised a hand. "Captain… w-where exactly did you learn about Sea Kings having dynamic vision?"

"Eh?" Bartolomeo blinked at the whisper-girl in confusion. "It's an old sea legend that's been floatin' around docks of Loguetown for years. Why do you ask?"

There was a moment of utter, horrified silence as the entirety of the crew stared at Bartolomeo with a variety of emotions.

Then… the silence was broken by a _pop!_

In a moment, the crew of the Cannibal was at the ship's railing and staring at the waters of the Calm Belt.

Specifically, they were staring at a spot a few meters away from their ship… where a trail of lone bubbles was slowly drifting to the surface and popping, one after another after another.

"…Captain… permission to speak freely?" Mr. 5 asked in a voice that might have been calm had it not been an octave higher than usual.

Bartolomeo swallowed heavily as a sheen of cold sweat started to shine on his brow. "You know I don't give two shits whether ya do or don't."

"Then in that case…"

Yet another bubble _pop!-_ ed…

And suddenly the ocean _erupted_ with the bubbles of surfacing Sea Kings.

" _YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCKING MORON!"_

 **-o-**

'Gold with anger' wasn't usually an appropriate description for describing unholy wrath. In fact, some might even consider such a description to be utterly ridiculous.

And if anyone in Marineford had failed to see the logic in that phrase before that day, they had it thoroughly hammered home very, _very_ hard as their highest superior fumed in response to the numerous status reports coming to him. It was hard to tell how much of it was due to the situation and how much of it was due to the fact that it was still, to reiterate, _the middle of the night._

"Admiral Akainu has departed with five battleships by order of the Five Elder Stars to apprehend 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo for attacking a Celestial Dragon vessel," Vice Admiral Mozambia reported grimly. "Admirals Kizaru and Aokiji, however, remain at the ready."

"As ready as they ever are, anyways…" Sengoku grumbled darkly as he shuffled some papers about.

"Unfortunately, that's not the only crisis we have on our hands. The Emperor 'Red-Haired' Shanks has somehow been goaded into a rampage," Vice Admiral Stainless added with a grimace. "Most of our men on the other side of the Red Line capable of getting here in a timely manner are… no longer capable."

"And unfortunately, those that _were_ still available are now tied up in an entirely new fiasco," Vice Admiral Tsuru sighed wearily as she leaned on her cane. "Apparently that damn up-and-comer 'pretty boy' Cavendish decided to refresh the world's memory of himself."

"Where does his bounty sit at?" the Fleet Admiral growled.

Tsuru shook her head with a sigh. "I'm afraid that in truth, _he himself_ isn't the issue, but rather the consequences of his actions." She gave her old friend a solemn look. "He raided a tribute ship headed for Totland… right as Big Mom got a craving for _precisely_ what it was carrying. We suspect he might have contracted some form of clairvoyance to help him achieve her current reaction."

Sengoku's shine amped up a few notches. "Said reaction _being?"_

"Full-on rampage, and not only is Cavendish managing to keep ahead of her, but he seems to be headed for _Wano_ of all places. Doflamingo and Jinbe are trying to intercept her, but I think that it would be prudent to also deploy Kuma just in case, as well as some of Vegapunk's prototypes."

"As for the rest of those damn dogs," Garp growled as he rubbed the bandage wrapped around his face. "Mihawk is incommunicado as usual, Hancock is ignoring us as usual, and according to Moria's subordinates, he has Thriller Bark set on chasing that damn razor-toothed brat Drake and another big-shot rookie named Hawkins around the Triangle, which they are _somehow_ managing to navigate. So, unless you're willing to spring Crocodile for round two—!"

" _I'm not."_

"Then yeah, we're shit out of luck where the mutts are concerned." Garp shook his head with a grimace. "And that's not all. Apparently, Hawkins, Drake and Barty aren't the only rookies active. Unless I miss my guess, the Straw Hats' actions have incited something of a pissing match amongst all of this generation's up-and-comers. Who's on first?"

"Yeah, I got one, lemme see…" the perpetually grinning Vice Admiral Yamakaji grunted as he flipped through a report. "Alright, here we are: well, for starters, we have Jeremiah Cross's rival, 'Roar of the Seas' Apoo. He's leading the On-Air Pirates and some other crew to attack Task Force Cerberus for some ungodly reason. Commodore Blakely's fighting the good fight, sure, but last reports say that her ships were capsized, so…" He shrugged helplessly.

"Next up, we have the Firetank Pirates led by Capone 'Gang' Bege," Vice Admiral Strawberry drawled. "I'm afraid that there's no good way to put this, so I'll come right out with it: An hour ago, the Firetank Pirates managed to successfully infiltrate and raid Fort Lumose. They got away with every beri and every ingot held within."

Sengoku's eye twitched furiously for a moment before he slowly leaned forward to dig his fingers into the much-abused edge of the conference table. "Fort Lumose," he grit out. "Is the repository for _all_ of the Marine Corps' funding in Paradise. You mean to say they made a clean getaway _with a quarter of our liquid assets!?"_

Strawberry nodded his head solemnly, causing several of his comrades to hastily duck in order to avoid being brained. "I'm afraid so sir.

"Besides that," Vice Admiral Momonga hummed indifferently as he took the time to polish his Josho Kiryu. "Captain' Kidd and his men are attempting to make a bloodbath out of Blackarm Island. Attempting being the operative word here, the instructors are putting up a hell of a fight. Though…" He scowled grimly. "Honestly, that's not _that_ much of a good thing, seeing as how it's just making the conflict draw out even _longer._

"And of course, to cap it all off," Vice Admiral Onigumo snarled around his cigar in disgust. "I'm sure we're all _quite_ aware of what 'Mad Monk' Urouge did on Kyuka Island."

The assembled officers all shuddered as one. What had happened on that island was… it was just _wrong_.

Their revulsion was then swept aside and replaced with existential terror when the room lit up like the new dawn.

" **Is there** _ **any**_ **good news?"** Sengoku bit out viciously, sounding about ten seconds away from trying to punch someone; and going by how the Vice Admirals were edging away from Garp, they all knew who his most likely target was.

"U-Uh…" The Hero shed buckets of sweat as he furiously racked his brains before grinning desperately. "Still no word on the Glutton or the Surgeon! No news is good news, right?"

Sengoku snorted heavily through his nose, his mouth opening for a blistering tirade—

Until the thunking of a cane garnered his attention. "Calm down, Sengoku," Vice Admiral Tsuru prompted in a bored yet stern tone. "Remember, none of us are as young as we used to be."

The Buddha-man clenched and unclenched his fists for a moment before forcing himself to relax, huffing out a weary sigh that was filled with his tension. "Yes," he admitted solemnly. "Yes, no news is very much _good_ news."

"A-Ah, F-Fleet Admiral? W-We have an incoming d-distress call from G-76."

Then Chief Petty Officer Helmeppo poked an arm holding a tray carrying a Transponder Snail into the room, and suddenly all that tension was right back where it started. And it then proceeded to grow as a very cocky and very _un-_ distressed voice came through the connection.

 **-o-**

"Hellooo, Fleet Admiral Sengoku," a certain pink-haired pirate purred around the half-dozen pocky sticks she was chowing down on. "Jewelry Bonney here, giving you my _fondest_ of hellos~!"

" _ **Brat,"**_ the incandescently glowering gastropod snarled out viciously. " _ **You may not know this, but my patience has been systematically worn down to nothing over the past two hours, so unless you're calling to tell me that you are doing the right and**_ **smart** _**thing and surrendering yourself to our authority, I suggest that you—"**_

"Honestly, I could care less about what you have to suggest, you old fart," Bonney interrupted with a cackle, spraying crumbs all over the snail in the process. "I just wanted to call you to let you know that my men and I have, eh…" She paused to snicker, spraying more crumbs. " _Invited_ ourselves into good ol' G-76 and are _liberally_ helping ourselves to their larder! Oh, and ah…"

Another snicker, this time accompanied by a wave of her hand. And more crumbs, naturally. "Just so you know, we opened our doors to the island's public, so _they're_ in here, too, eating the base's food! Aaaalong with taking whatever isn't nailed down, and they're bringing in crowbars for whatever actually _is._ Oh!" She snapped her fingers in faux realization, finally swallowing. " _Aaand_ I saw a few guys in cloaks rummaging through these real important filing cabinets, just thought you'd wanna know. Aaaanyways…"

Bonney stretched her arms above her head as she leaned back in her seat. "I just wanted to call you up, let you know that we're having a little shindig here, sooo if you and your shiny brass boys wanna come down here and share a few drinks, we're all ready and—!"

Rather than the typical _KA-LICK!_ associated with hanging up a snail, the connection dropped in what sounded very much like a muffled explosion… which was _then_ followed up by a _KA-LICK!,_ as well as Bonney's practically hysterical cackling.

"Ohohohoh, _maaaan,_ that was awesome!" the Glutton wheezed ecstatically. "I've wanted to tell that golden bastard to fuck off for _ye-e-eaaars,_ hahaha! The _only_ way that could have been better, the _only_ way, would have been if that damn volcanic _mutt_ had been there too, because then my year would be utterly _made!_ Hahahaaaa, I have _got_ to save some of this grub for the Straw Hats, because I owe them the _mother_ of all giftbaskets for giving me the inspiration to pull _this_ off! HAHA _HAAAA!"_

"Yeah yeah, whatever you say, you damn bottomless pit," a youthful yet perpetually tired-looking man who was lounging in a seat next to Bonney drawled, his hands moving in well-practiced motions, though touching nothing. "And just for the record, because I think that rum I picked up from the base commander's office is starting to hit me, remind me why I agreed to this brief alliance, again?"

Bonney's cackling cut off as she sent a sidelong glance at her partner in crime before sinking back into her seat, a bone that she'd already picked clean finding itself crushed between her jaws.

"Because," she drawled. "Both of us needed some way to prove that the Straw Hats aren't the _only_ contenders in the competition for Roger's throne, and _I_ wanted to distract the Marines long enough that the Straw Hats aren't overwhelmed at Enies, and I needed you and your crew's help to pull this 'little' stunt off." Bonney then adopted a cocky smirk as she drained the marrow from the splintered bone. "Besides, Surgeon of Death, are you saying that you _aren't_ having fun?"

Trafalgar Law didn't fight the smirk that came over his face as he rested his hands, contemplating his handiwork with slightly drunk awe. "Absolutely not. It's been a long time since I played Jenga, so why would I turn down a friendly game? You first, by the way."

"Why, thank you very much," Bonney purred as she gave the Surgeon a mock-bow.

She then stood up, and climbed one of the surgically assembled staircases surrounding a tower of precariously stacked and futilely struggling soldiers with mismatched bodies. Upon reaching her desired piece, she reeled her leg back—!

" _Tenderizer!"_

And whipped her foot into the Marine's skull, sending him rocketing out of his place and ricocheting off of the storage room's far wall, following which he flipped through the air and landed _quite_ precariously on top of the pile.

Bonney pumped her fist with a cheer. " _Oh, yeah!_ Beat _that_ , beanpole!"

Law barely moved from where he was lounging as he grinned in reply, waving his sword through the air like a conductor's baton as he _slooowly_ pushed another of the Marines out of the pile and floated him up to the top. Even as he worked, the usually stoic pirate's smirk grew to match Bonney's own grin.

' _I'll have to thank the Straw Hats when we meet in person,'_ he silently reflected. ' _They might be a bunch of juvenile nuthouses even by Pirate standards, but I sure as hell can't deny that I haven't had this much fun in_ years.'

 **-o-**

"Incredible, isn't it Funkfreed?" Spandam crooned to his elephant-sword, his finger hovering dangerously close to the trigger mechanism that would herald the demise of Enies Lobby. "One press of a button, and a whole island disappears."

The director of CP9 snickered as he held the Golden Transponder Snail in the palm of his hand, watching the reactions of the prisoners chained to the wall of the room. Honestly, it was hard to tell what was giving him a bigger rush as he toyed with the snail: the sheer power floating just inches below his fingertips, or the expression of deliciously _agonizing_ terror Nico Robin wore whenever he brought the snail out to begin with, much less whenever he threatened to actually activate it.

Sadly for him, Spandam's fun came to an end when one of CP9's newest Devil Fruit users entered the room with controlled haste. Spandam looked up, surprised but not startled, as a grim-faced Kaku stalked over to him, an ordinary—if awake and glowering—Transponder Snail on a tray in his hands. "Chief. Sorry to barge in like this, but to get to the point, your snail is off the hook again and we've received an urgent call from Marineford. The Straw Hats have crossed into an unprecedented level of insanity."

Spandam responded with an expression of pure incredulity. "Eh? Yeah, I already knew about that. I got a report about Straw Hat attacking earlier. He only managed to take down five guards, what of—?"

" _ **FIVE!? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND, YOU PATHETIC RAT!?"**_

"GYAH!" Spandam leapt out of his seat in terror when the Transponder Snail Kaku was carrying suddenly roared and flashed gold. The assassin's grip on the tray was firm, but sweat was glistening on his hands, clearly betraying his tense nerves.

Well, that and the way that his superior was desperately flailing to catch the impassive and _truly_ Golden Snail he'd flung into the air in his terror.

Thankfully enough, Spandam managed to grab the Golden Snail _without_ touching the doomsday button on top of its shell. After sighing in relief and stowing the snail safely in his jacket, the director promptly snapped into a shaky salute. "F-F-Fleet Admiral Sengoku, sir!" he yelped in an equally panicked and respectful tone. "W-W-What are you calling us f-for?! I-I already s-sent you my report over an hour ago! While we unfortunately lost the blueprints for the Pluton—" He took a second to shoot a murderous glare at Cutty Flam, who responded by snapping his teeth and growling. "W-We still managed to capture Nico Robin, so the mission went off without a hitch!"

" _ **WITHOUT A—!?"**_ Sengoku started to bellow before cutting himself with a sidelong glance. He then sighed out a puff of infuriated breath as he lost his golden sheen, though _much_ of his prior fury remained. " _Without a hitch!? Damn it, Spandam, do you have a brick between your ears?! Haven't you gotten any reports from the main island?! Haven't you been listening to the SBS_ like I'm sure the whole world is doing right at this instant!?"

"Ah…" Spandam hedged uneasily as he glanced at the drowsy half-awake snail on his desk.

"Er, F-Fleet Admiral, sir?" Kaku hedged uncomfortably as he mentally kicked himself for speaking up. "Chief Spandam put the Tower of Justice on lockdown shortly after we returned with Nico Robin, as a security precaution. The drawbridge is raised and there are no communications in or out as a result, so if there are any ongoing situations on the island, all actions are being run through Judge Baskerville."

There was a moment of silence before Sengoku sighed angrily. " _I suppose I can't fault you for that,"_ he grumbled to himself.

Spandam and Kaku promptly sighed in relief, though the assassin was swift to free one of his hands and move it through the air in a precise series of motions: {I want a raise.}

Spandam rolled his eye with a scowl as he signed back. {The monkey prunes on the roof at midnight.}

Kaku's eyebrows shot up to the brim of his hat in a mix of shock and incredulity.

Spandam then frowned as he glanced down at his hands in confusion. "Wait a minute…" he muttered.

" _You don't have even a_ second, _Director Spandam!"_ Sengoku barked. " _And that still doesn't account for the_ goddamn SBS!"

"EEP!" Spandam flinched back in terror before shooting a look at his desk. "I-I-I don't know what you're talking about, Fleet Admiral! Everyone in the Tower of Justice has a Transponder Snail, and nobody has reported so much as a ring of the SBS!"

" _But that's—!"_ Sengoku started to yell before cutting off into a snarl. " _Damn it… Of all the times for that loud-mouthed son of a bitch to figure out how to use the damn thing's interdiction field… Jeremiah Cross has been preventing the SBS from being broadcast to any snails near him, he's been on the air for the past two hours!"_

Spandam froze, his mouth slightly open and snot starting to slide out of his nose as the implications hit him like a sledgehammer upside the head. However, even as Cutty Flam started to cackle and Nico Robin groaned in exasperated despair, the director of CP9 was swift to rally in an attempt to salvage what little (if any) dignity he still had remaining.

"P-P-Please, Fleet Admiral," he pleaded desperately. "E-Even if it is the Straw Hats, t-they're still just o- _one_ pirate crew! T-The last message I received about Straw Hat said that h-he'd only managed to take out five of our men! H-How much damage could they have _possibly_ have caused in a _m-measly_ two hours!?"

Kaku paled in horror as the snail he was holding started to shine and a number of veins started bulging in a _very_ unhealthy manner. "A-Ah, Fleet Admiral? Before you proceed to rip my superior a new one… executive permission to speak freely?"

" _ **Make it fast."**_

"Thank you, sir." And with that, Kaku gave his commander a flat look. "You _had_ to say it, you absolute _fucking_ idiot."

Spandam sputtered indignantly—

" _ **YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE OF A HUMAN BEING!"**_

—up until Sengoku started bellowing loudly enough to cause the windowpanes to vibrate. Kaku wisely set the snail down and backed away to what he judged to be a safe distance.

" _ **HOW MUCH DAMAGE COULD THEY HAVE CAUSED IN TWO HOURS?!**_ **TO** _ **START,**_ **JEREMIAH CROSS SUBVERTED OIMO AND KASHI AND HAD THEM BREAK DOWN THE GATEHOUSE! THE STRAW HATS** _ **AND THE SMALL ARMY OF ALLIES THEY BROUGHT WITH THEM, SIXTY IN ALL,**_ **THEN PROCEEDED TO RUN ROUGHSHOD OVER THE REGULAR SOLDIERS! AS FOR THE ELITES, THAT THRICE-DAMNED SNAIL LEASHED THE WATCHDOGS, BASKERVILLE'S BEEN CUT DOWN, AND THE JURYMEN AREN'T EVEN SLOWING THEM DOWN!"**

Spandam's mind managed to peg onto at least one aspect of the rant. "W-Wait, Basker—!? Y-You mean—!?"

" **THEY'RE IN THE DAMNED COURTHOUSE!"** Sengoku barked. " **AND IF** _ **ALL OF THAT**_ **ISN'T ENOUGH,** _ **THE ENTIRE SHITSHOW HAS BEEN BROADCAST ON THE DAMNED SBS!**_ **NOT ONLY ARE WE LOOKING EVERY BIT LIKE THE INCOMPETENT FOOLS THAT CROSS DESCRIBES US AS, HE'S INSPIRED ALL TEN OF THE OTHER BIG-SHOT ROOKIES IN PARADISE TO FOLLOW THE STRAW HATS' LEAD!"**

Spandam looked like nothing so much as a goldfish that had been ripped out of the water and left on the pier.

" **IN SUMMARY, THIS IS THE SINGLE MOST** _ **HUMILIATING MOMENT**_ **IN THE HISTORY OF THE MARINE CORPS AND WORLD GOVERNMENT PUT TOGETHER SINCE** _ **ROGER'S DAMNED EXECUTION,**_ **YOU INCOMPETENT** _ **MORON!"**_ Sengoku huffed and snarled viciously for a moment before puffing out an irritated breath. " **Ohhh, but don't just take** _ **my**_ **word for it. If you don't believe me, try looking out your** _ **damn window.**_ **I'm** _ **certain**_ **that you'll be able to see the SMOKE FROM THE ISLAND BURNING BENEATH YOUR FEET FROM THERE!"**

Shocked into motion by the sudden spike in volume, the chief of CP9 scrambled to the window of his office, where he pressed his face to the glass… and just _stared_. Stared at the rampant fires blazing across the island, stared at the utter _swath_ of destruction carved through the center of Enies Lobby, and most important of all, he stared at the roof of the courthouse so far below.

"Tha-That's Jabra…" Spandam breathed numbly. "A-And… Blueno…"

" **Let me be clear, Spandam,"** Sengoku growled behind the leather-faced man, his voice having undergone an unsettling shift from berserk to _far_ too calm. " **This is already nothing short of a** _ **disaster.**_ **So, rather than a warning or orders, I'm presenting you with an** _ **ultimatum**_ **: If the SBS is still running and confirming that the Straw Hats are currently in Enies Lobby at the first light of dawn, I will be setting sail for the Judicial Island myself along with** _ **every Marine that I can muster.**_ **Let me be clear, Director Spandam: If the situation is not under control by the time I arrive, there will be** _ **consequences."**_

The room suddenly pulsed with a wave of presence, and it took every last one of Spandam's mental faculties to keep from voiding his bowels.

" _ **Don't disappoint me further."**_

The connection dropped, and Spandam collapsed to his knees as he desperately clutched the sill of his window. His mental gears slowly began grinding again, processing the nightmarish amount of information he had just heard. OK, so the Straw Hats were advancing at an alarming rate. But surely they wouldn't be able to get past CP9. He called to mind that his entire goal was to end this so-called 'Great Pirate Era.'

In the end, no amount of bad publicity would be able to cause a permanent mark on him, so long as he was the one responsible for bringing the last key to the Ancient Weapons left in existence under the control of the World Government. All he needed to do was order CP9 to subdue the Straw Hats, and escort Nico Robin safely to the Gates of Justice. Yes… Yes, once the demon was on her way to Marineford, his future was secure.

Lulled into a semblance of calm with his reasoning, Spandam clawed his way back to his feet, turned back towards his subordinate, and opened his mouth to give his orders.

" _Ooooh, Spandam, Spandam, Spandam."_

Said orders _died_ when Kaku and Spandam both froze as the _un-hooked_ Transponder Snail on Spandam's desk suddenly adopted a _sickeningly_ familiar leer and started speaking in an even _more_ familiar voice.

" _Shit,"_ Kaku summarized weakly.

"Cross—!" Robin gasped out.

" _With all due respect, Robin?"_ Cross interrupted, directing a flat stare her way. " _Cram it. You've had your say, this is ours. And as for_ you!" The snail turned its attention back to Spandam. " _I'm just curious… why are you acting so surprised, Spandam? I mean, shouldn't you have seen this coming?"_ Cross bared his teeth in a vicious parody of a smile. " _After all… you stole a_ demon _from a pack of devils. Did you honestly think that we wouldn't BRING HELL ITSELF TO STORM THE VERY GATES OF HEAVEN TO GET HER BACK!?"_

"Y-You—!" Spandam bit out indignantly.

" _Allow me to demonstrate!"_ Cross continued before adopting a scowl. " _ATTENTION ALL MORTAR TEAMS!"_ he barked, not in his voice, but rather in _Spandam's._

The genuine article blinked in confusion. "W-What the—!?"

" _AIM ALL CANNONS AT THE PREDETERMINED TARGET IMMEDIATELY!"_ 'Spandam' ordered. " _ON MY MARK…_ FIRE!"

The blood drained from Spandam's face as he connected the dots. "You didn't…" he whispered numbly as he slowly turned on his heel to stare out the window in horror.

His pallor _quintupled_ when he caught sight of well over a dozen mortar shells rocketing straight at him.

" _You wanna know the_ best _part of this little scheme?"_ Cross stated, as if he was discussing what he'd had for lunch. " _I didn't even_ need _your voice to set it up. I just had to make myself sound like the most worthless, arrogant, self-entitled piece of primordial_ ooze _on the face of the planet, and your men just ate. It._ Up. _How crazy is that, eh?"_

Spandam didn't have remotely _close_ to enough presence of mind to react to the insult. In fact, despite the incoming flight of death, he found himself unable to do more than stare in horror, his mental gears utterly locked up.

"Oh, for Pete's sake—!"

Up until Kaku grabbed the back of his collar, tossed him farther back into his office—

" _TEMPEST KICK!"_

And lashed his leg out at the window, sending a wave of razor-sharp wind barrelling out of the office's window and slamming into the shells in mid-air.

 _ **KA-BOOM!**_

Which, naturally, caused them to explode, and the resulting shockwave blew out the office's wall.

Kaku guarded his face for a second with a wince as shrapnel bounced off of him before shooting a scowl at the grinning snail on Spandam's desk. "You _do_ realize that your comrades were in here too, correct!?"

" _And you do realize that I knew that there was no chance in hell of Spandam_ not _having a Cipher Pol Operative guarding him at all times, right?_ " Cross shot back tauntingly. " _Anyway, we're almost to the top of the courthouse and Luffy should be done neutering the_ mutt _any second now. See you soon…"_

Cross's smile widened demonically.

"Long-neck."

The connection shut off just as the blood drained from Kaku's face. "H-How the _hell—!? I_ haven't even known for more than an _hour!"_

"Known what?" Kalifa asked as she and the rest of Cipher Pol No. 9 Shaved into the decimated room.

Kaku shot a panicked look at his fellow agent, at which point his terror suddenly intensified. "H-He, Cross… h-he just called me 'Long-neck!' A-And you—! B-Bubbly—!"

Kalifa instantly paled as well, the implications hitting her like a sledgehammer. "B-But that's—! But he—! _H_ - _How!?"_

"I don't know," Lucci interrupted his fellow agents, his voice as firm as steel and his expression ten times harder. "And I don't _care._ Either way, it won't matter once he and all of his crewmates are _dead,_ and unless you two shape up right now, you will be _joining them._ Is that _clear?"_

Kaku and Kalifa stared at him in naked terror for an instant before straightening their stances and nodding firmly. "Yes, Lucci," they said.

"Good. Now…" Lucci turned a predatory glare at the gaping hole in the wall. "Where are they?"

"Ahem."

Lucci blinked, and spared a glance at the pigeon on his shoulder, who was cocking his head in contemplation. "Check, check check, check. Well, now," Hattori nodded definitively. "It would appear that they have approached close enough for us to be within range of the snail. Unless I miss my guess, perhaps he is performing this feat subconsciously?"

"Ah, r-right, right!" Kaku slapped his hand to his forehead. "Sorry, forgot in all the excitement, they're in the courthouse, it's how Cross knew when to order the mortar teams to fire on us for maximum effect. Apparently they've managed to fight their way past the _entire_ island."

Lucci shot Kaku a warning glare before marching over to the room's impromptu balcony and glancing downwards. He _then_ froze the blood of his comrades in their veins when he bared his teeth in a snarl.

"What," he bit out furiously. "The blue hell does Jabra think he's _doing?"_

"Well, he's a Carnivorous Zoan as well, just without as much discipline as you. I would assume he let his bloodlust for fighting Straw Hat get the better of him," Hattori mused.

"…I think I could get used to you being able to talk," Lucci stated neutrally as the rest of CP9 joined him in observing the fight below.

"Well," Kalifa stated frigidly as she adjusted her glasses. "There's only one way to describe _this_ particular stunt."

"Sexual harassment, chapapa?" Fukuro deadpanned.

" _Suicidal stupidity."_

"R-Right, right! He-He's fighting Jabra, that's nothing to worry about," Spandam sputtered with growing confidence, apparently not hearing Kalifa as he turned his head. "Unchain the prisoners and bring them over here. I want them to observe the exact moment when Straw Hat's life is _ended_."

The agents of CP9 exchanged uneasy glances, but a subtle jerk of Lucci's head prompted Kumadori to march back into the office and drag Franky and Robin back with him by their chains.

"You _do_ realize that you are in _way_ over your head, right, Spanda?" Franky sneered at the chief of CP9. Said smile was then wiped off when Kumadori backhanded him with his fist, prompting him to snap his jaws at the pink-haired man.

"Silence, you disrespectful cur," Spandam ordered in a tone that, from anyone else, would have been more than halfway menacing. "Let this serve as a reminder to you of the true might of the World Government. No matter how strong you think Straw Hat may be, Enies Lobby has stood as a stronghold for centuries, and I'll be damned if a rubber-brained rookie annihilates that reputation in a single night."

Franky snarled at Kumadori for a second longer before smirking menacingly. "Well, you're right about that, at least."

A spike of fear drove into Spandam's mind for a moment as he pictured what would happen if, by some miracle, Straw Hat actually won. The next instant, however, he banished the thought from his mind as he looked over the edge and called down to the wolf Zoan.

"FINISH HIM, JABRA! SHOW THAT WORTHLESS PIRATE THE TRUE MIGHT OF CIPHER POL 9!"

 **-o-**

Jabra's ear flicked slightly as he felt a sudden spike in his ever-present urge to rip Spandam's head from his shoulders.

Under normal circumstances, the Zoan-user's enhanced senses would have most likely picked up Spandam's words of 'encouragement' with ease.

Normal circumstances, however, did not entail Jabra's skull ringing like a church bell on Sunday morning on account of repeated blows to the head that a thoroughly infuriated ballistic rubber-man continued to inflict. His Iron Body Kenpo had offered him some relief, but Straw Hat's bottomless well of willpower had rendered that obsolete two minutes in. And to make matters even worse, the so-called 'Gear Second' technique that he was employing had not only amplified his speed to the point where he was Shaving like he'd been doing it all his life, but it had also amplified his strength tenfold, to the point where he was all but straight up _ignoring_ the agent's Iron Body.

' _Damn… Damn it all… I wanted a_ fight _with Straw Hat Luffy, not a freaking_ massacre _like this,'_ he thought, panting and sweating like a dog as he kept his head on a swivel, trying and failing to keep an accurate bead on the sonic pirate.

But indeed, a massacre was what the conflict boiled down to. For every bit that Jabra was fast, Luffy was faster. For every bit that he was tough, the pirate was tougher. And for every bit that he was strong, well…

A flash of movement to the side granted Jabra enough forewarning to spin on his heels and cross his arms defensively as he tensed every muscle of his body.

"JET RIFLE!"

"GAGH!"

Jabra coughed up a mouthful of blood as the grinding blow blasted him off his feet and slammed him into one of the few parapets that had not yet been demolished.

…no comment.

The wolf-Zoan peeled himself out of his dent in the stone with a pained groan, stumbling forward slightly in a desperate effort to regain his balance. "No…" he spat viciously. "I refuse… _I refuse…"_

Without warning, the wolf surged forward, charging at Luffy on all fours as he howled at the top of his lungs. "I REFUSE TO LOSE TO SOMEONE LIKE YOU!" He slashed both of his claws down at Luffy's exact position. "WOLF HUNT HIGH SPEED SCRATCH!"

Luffy glared bloody murder at the wolf as the attack came down on him… up until the last moment, when he suddenly disappeared and the claws passed through the space he'd occupied moments before without resistance.

Jabra stumbled as he tried to regain his balance and glanced around in concussion-enhanced confusion. "W-Wha… where—?"

"GUM GUM—!"

Jabra's head snapped up just in time to catch sight of Luffy spinning on an axis in midair.

" _JET HOMERUN!"_

 _CRACK!_

And then his vision was filled with nothing but pipe, followed up in short order by stone.

Jabra groaned into the stonework of the much-abused roof as he tried to kickstart his mind back into at least a semblance of working condition. When he finally got his mind back in something resembling order, he slowly worked his claws beneath his torso and pushed himself into a kneeling position, allowing him to cough up yet another mouthful of blood, along with more than a few fragments of broken teeth.

" _Damn it…"_ Jabra wheezed painfully as he forced his head up. "You little… _fucki—!"_ The wolf-man's words died in his muzzle as he managed to catch sight of Luffy.

It was the eyes that did it. Oh, sure, his concussion was influencing him a bit, but from that day forward Jabra would forevermore swear up and down that it was the _eyes_ that did the trick. It was Straw Hat Luffy's eyes that hit him the hardest. It was his stance, his gaze, however real or imagined. It was how every inch of Jabra knew, in that instant, just _knew,_ that there wasn't one person standing where Luffy was standing, but two.

One was Straw Hat Luffy, sure, but the other… the strength it emanated despite its unassuming form, the impassive expression, the eyes… the eyes that had stared at him every time, the _only_ times he had ever been defeated. Eyes that made him feel tiny, no matter how loud he howled or how large he grew. _Eyes filled with nothing but cold, bloody darkness where the soul was supposed to be…_

"Don't look at me like that…" Jabra breathed, softly at first before baring his fangs as his rage started to cloud his mind. "Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like I'm worthless, don't look at me like I'm nothing, don't look at me like _you can beat me!_ _Don't look at me like that!"_ Jabra clawed his way to his paws, foam dribbling from his hackles as he snarled at the pirate. " _DON'T YOU DARE LOOK AT ME LIKE_ HIM!"

Luffy responded with a flat look before glancing to the side. "My crewmates are going to be here soon," he stated firmly. "And if they get here while you're still standing, then you'll hurt them." He pinned the wolf-man with a glare. "So, I'm going to finish you off _now."_

That statement was the final straw. That statement snapped what few vestiges of sanity Jabra had left in his mind. In an instant, his pupils shrank down to pinpricks, he threw his head back and he roared—not howled, _roared_ —his defiance to the heavens.

Luffy knelt down in preparation, every fiber of his being taut and ready to move at the drop of a hat.

With what few vestiges of mind he had left, Jabra dug deep into his subconscious, the deepest, darkest pits of his mind, and called forth a technique that was years in the making. A technique that he'd painstakingly developed alone and in secret, all for the express purpose of defeating _one_ person.

But if it meant that he wouldn't lose in this instance, then he was _more_ than willing to use it right here, right now.

" _ **FANG HOWLING OVER FANG!"**_ Jabra roared out as he shot towards his opponent like a cannonball, spinning into a virtual tornado of fangs and claws that was _guaranteed_ to shred anything and everything that it touched for even a moment.

He struck the parapet like a hurricane, grinding the stone into a fine powder and methodically eradicating it into _less_ than absolutely nothing.

But for all the damage he managed to cause, he _still_ didn't hit Luffy.

The technique soon spun itself out into nothing, leaving Jabra panting on his hands and knees as he fought to stay conscious in the face of his rapidly dwindling reserves of adrenaline. "But… I… that's… _how…?"_ he wheezed breathlessly, snapping his head around in a vain effort to catch sight of Luffy, wherever he was…

Before ultimately freezing on the pipe.

The pipe that Straw Hat Luffy had been carrying when he'd arrived.

The pipe that Straw Hat Luffy had been using to beat him senseless with throughout their fight.

The pipe that was now planted in the very edge of the rooftop, with two hands firmly gripping it and arms stretching off to…

Jabra pushed himself onto his shaky legs and staggered over to the pipe, following the arms back to their source.

His gut dropped into the abyss below the island as he tried and failed to follow the arms down main street, where they disappeared beyond his field of vision… although that particular limit might have been yet another side effect of getting his skull dented by a sonic pipe.

"You've got to be _kidding me…"_ the wolf whimpered.

The universe then proceeded to prove to him that what he was experiencing was all too real.

" _GUUUUUM-GUUUUUM…!"_

Another effect of his concussion was that Jabra's mind skipped a beat for a second.

As such, while he did manage to cross his arms defensively once again…

" _JEEET BALLISTAAAAA!"_

"IRON— _GRK!"_

He was just a second too slow to properly reinforce his person when a pair of rocket-fast sandals slammed into his solar plexus. For the longest two seconds of his life, Jabra felt as though he were being split in half, his body bending around the point of impact.

And then time resumed; physics, cruel mistress that she is, took hold; and all of Luffy's kinetic energy slammed into him at once. Thus, while Luffy came to a dead halt, Jabra was launched backwards and at an angle at only a little under Luffy's own prior speed.

Given his arc and velocity, the Wolf-Man would have most likely left a rather impressive dent in the center of the Gates of Justice… were it not for an obstacle standing directly in his flight path.

 **-o-**

For the second time that day, Spandam found himself face-to-face with certain death flying directly towards him, and too paralyzed with shock and horror to move enough to save his own life. Rolling his eyes, Lucci yanked the man out of the ballistic wolf-missile's flight path, saving him by a matter of inches.

 _SLAM!_

Nothing, however, could save Jabra from impacting with the far wall of Spandam's office.

The CP9 agents winced and guarded their faces with their arms in response to the impact, and then proceeded to gape in horror as they lowered them.

Jabra was impressed into the far wall, cracks spreading out from beneath his spread-eagled body.

However, as awe-inspiring as the display was, what truly garnered the agents' attention was the _exact_ state of Jabra's body. His very _human_ body.

Franky broke the silence with a roaring cackle. "Haha, wow, you were _right,_ Spanda! That _was_ impressive! Seriously, I didn't know it was even _possible_ to literally kick the _bitch_ out of a Zoan like that! You learn something new every day! HAHA— _hurk!"_

He was promptly cut off by Kalifa absentmindedly elbowing him in the side. Any further punishment was held off as Jabra slowly peeled off the wall before falling onto his feet. He was swaying like a drunk sailor at two in the morning, and his still-open eyes were staring at nothing, but he was on his feet.

The wolf-man slowly staggered forward, only just barely managing to keep his feet beneath himself. Thankfully for him, his journey was made short by the aim of his voyage stepping up before him.

Jabra slowly looked up and blearily looked Lucci in the eye. He held his gaze for a moment before slowly raising his finger and jabbing it in his chest.

"Don't… you dare…" he rasped. "Look… at me… like…" And with that, his eyes rolled up in his head and he collapsed to the ground, a pained moan the only sign that he was even alive.

Lucci stared at Jabra's insensate form with total stoic impassivity, as though his ally were nothing more than an insect.

The rest of the agents were nowhere near as subdued.

"Fukuro…" Kaku whispered numbly. "Jabra's power ranking… you're certain—?"

The rotund man swallowed heavily. "Actually… I used week-old power rankings for him, me and Kumadori. W-We're all a little bit _stronger_ than what I said earlier…"

Kalifa slowly raised a trembling hand to try and hold her glasses steady. "Just what the _hell_ did we get ourselves into?" she asked no one in particular.

" _Oi."_

Cipher Pol No. 9 as a whole stiffened as an increasingly familiar voice filled the room.

" _Just for the record,"_ Cross drawled in an uncharacteristically grim tone. " _If the mood were a little lighter, I'd probably make a Warriors reference. As it is, though? It would just be in bad taste. Present yourselves, CP9. It's time we finish what you started."_

Hattori cocked an eyebrow at his owner. "Cocky little bastard, isn't he?"

Lucci tsked as he spun on his heel and marched to the balcony. "They've earned it."

The leopard man stalked past his dumbstruck comrades, but only made it a few feet before pausing. He then cast a scowl over his shoulder.

" _ **Move."**_

The rest of Cipher Pol 9 promptly Shaved to his side, while Spandam unwillingly inched his way over to stare at the enemies below.

And indeed, far below CP9, upon the rooftop of the courthouse of the World Government's Judicial Island, every last parapet on the side of the building facing the Tower of Justice that remained intact now had a pair of pirates standing on it, staring up at them with grim-faced determination. By the SBS, their own observations and reports from every Marine who had previously encountered the crew, every one of them was as recognizable to those who stared down at them as if they had already met them in person.

Boss, the monstrous Kung Fu Dugong, flipper resting on the rope-dart coiled at his side and smoke chuffing like a sea train from his scowling maw, and Nefertari Vivi, twin scythes linked by chains in her hands and riding an armored Supersonic Duck, who still managed to look menacing despite his slightly comical form.

A yeti-like man that could only be Tony Tony Chopper in his full-human form, the pink hat and blue nose doing nothing to diminish the effect of his glower, and Sanji, sharp-dressed and blond-haired, his eyes lowered for the moment as he lit a cigarette.

Usopp, their long-nosed sniper, holding a slingshot that more resembled a polearm and staring at his crew's adversaries with only the slightest trace of fear in his eyes and the slightest shake in his knees, and the monstrous Monkey D. Luffy, whose form would be much less intimidating if they hadn't just seen him treat the third-strongest of their number like a punching bag, with he himself looking none the worse for wear.

Roronoa Zoro, green hair, three katanas at his waist and a scowl of determination on his face, and Nami, orange hair and with an odd-looking blue staff in one hand, clouds spouting from it and surrounding her like an aura, and what looked to be a folded scooter on her back.

Conis, the gunner, whose outfit made her look less like an angel and more like… well, like _them_ , with more guns visible on her person than someone her size had any right to carry, and the cloud fox Su perched on her shoulder. And at the leftmost part of the rooftop from their perspective stood Jeremiah Cross, the bazooka-dog Lassoo snarling at his feet and the snail Soundbite on his shoulder. Of all the pirates on the roof, they were the only ones who were smiling in any way or form, but there was no humor in those looks.

The hostages, the chief, and the five assassins all looked down at them, Robin's eyes beginning to overflow with tears. For what felt like an eternity, they only stared, the emotions between them palpable. Then…

"Yoyoi…" Kumadori mused contemplatively. "Do you think if I asked, Cross would give me an autograph?"

There was a moment of silence as the assassins contemplated the statement.

"Chapa… Kumadori… mind leaning down a bit?"

"Eh? But of course. Why?"

"So that I can do this: Solid Beast."

 _POW!_

" _YOYOWIE!"_

 **-o-**

Six months.

It was kind of… hell, I don't even know _what_ it was. Awe-inspiring? Funny? Humbling? Any of them or none? Doesn't matter.

Six months ago, I was a normal guy. Six months ago, I was your average everyday college student, just another face in the crowd whose only real claim to fame was being a mildly successful fanfiction writer on a few sites and forums.

Six months ago… I was _nobody._

And then in an instant and in six months alike, all of that changed.

Over the course of the past six months, I'd sailed up the side of a _mountain_. Over the past six months, I'd ridden a Tyrannosaurus Rex, I'd charged headfirst into a warzone, I'd defied the world, I'd sailed into the sky, I'd spit in the face of _God himself…_

And now.

And now, I thought to myself as I glanced down into the roaring abyss below, now I was at the edge of _Enies Lobby._

Now I was standing side-by-side with my friends in one of the most iconic moments in the history of anime and manga.

Now… I was ready to face the world head-on, to _die_ facing the world, all for the sake of a friend.

"We've come a long way, huh, little buddy?" I whispered as I stared up at the Tower of Justice.

" _Don't go getting all sappy on me yet,"_ Soundbite chuckled. "AFTER ALL, _**we've still got so far to go."**_

"Damn straight…" I nodded in agreement.

"ROOOBIIIN!"

We both promptly snapped our jaws shut when Luffy shouted up at our wayward crewmate, relying on his own volume and entirely unaided by Soundbite.

"IF YOU REALLY WANT TO DIE FOR US!" our captain continued. "THEN SAY IT TO US HERE AND NOW!"

Even from this distance, it was a simple task to catch sight of Robin hesitating where she stood, to see just how tightly she was biting her lip in a desperate attempt to stay silent. It was _easy_ to see just how furiously she was fighting against herself. It was hard to know which part of her would win the fight.

"CP9!"

But the world would never know, on account of Spandam cutting in at that moment in what was _clearly_ a desperate attempt to regain control of the situation.

"A-As director of this unit, you have my full permission to take those pirates down, eliminate them utterly, but do it from here! From the Tower of Justice! A-After all, it's not like they have any way to get over here," he continued, reassuring himself as much as he was gloating.

It must have worked, seeing as he grinned maniacally and stepped onto the balustrade a moment later. "WAHAHAHAHAHA! Stupid pirates! No matter how strong you are, you'll _never_ be able to win! CP9 still stands strong to stop you! The Gates of Justice are beyond any human's power to move! And most of all…" He reached into his coat, and produced _that thing,_ causing my hair to stand on end _._ "I have the authority to use this Golden Transponder Snail to unleash a Buster Call!"

" _ **A**_ _**Golden Transponder Snail?!"**_ Soundbite yelped, shrinking back in terror.

"Soundbite?" I glanced at him in confusion. "What's wrong?"

The baby snail shivered as he half-hid in his shell. " _I SERIOUSLY_ **hope you weren't BANKING ON ME** _ **BLOCKING THAT THING,**_ **CROSS!** GOLDEN TRANSPONDER SNAILS… _they're practically boogeymen,_ _**creatures of selective breeding**_ **whose connections with their silver counterparts are renowned for** **being SACROSANCT!** _THEIR BROADCAST IS UTTERLY_ _ **INVIOLABLE!"**_

"That's right," Spandam gloated menacingly. "Once I push this button, _nothing_ you or anyone does will be able to stop the results! Just like it was 20 years ago, I will unleash the power that wiped out your homeland, _Nico Robin!"_ He spun around to laugh in Robin's face. "Just like before, _when Ohara was utterly wiped from the maps of the world!"_

"One snail caused that much destruction?" Conis breathed in horror.

"I'd make a quip about package sizes, but this doesn't seem like the right time…" Su mused.

"That shitty leatherface, tormenting Robin-chwan like that," Sanji growled.

"You damn…" Robin bit out painfully, fighting even harder against herself.

"WAHAHA! Oh, _look_ at that reaction!" Spandam cackled malevolently. I could _feel_ my blood freeze as the bastard's finger hovered above the button of the snail. "Maybe I should do it now? _Maybe I should call the full force of the World Government?"_

"You—! Do you even know what will _happen_ if you press that button?!" Robin demanded desperately.

"Of course I do," Spandam purred. "The chances of all of these pirates making it out of here alive will drop to zero! What… did you have something else in mind?"

"IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE! STOP IT!" she screamed furiously.

"Oh?" Spandam asked with a leer. "You giving me orders? You're being rather cocky, aren't you."

Boss all but bit through his cigar as he glared up at the enemy. "Cross… when you talked about putting the hurt on this bastard? You were _lowballing."_

"What can I say?" I ground out. "Reality tends to exceed expectations."

"You said that Ohara disappeared from the map…" Robin stated desperately, sounding on the edge of tears. "But can you see _humans_ on a map? No… No, the only way you could be so cruel is if you look at the world like that, like it was a _statistic!_ You can't use it… not that…" She trailed off in a pleading whisper as she collapsed to her knees, the ghosts of her past obviously weighing her down.

One glance at Soundbite was all I needed to get my message across. "Robin," I muttered.

I heard her pained gasp, and slowly but surely she climbed to her feet and looked down at me. I winced miserably at seeing her so… so _broken,_ but nevertheless, I hovered my hand over my bag, and I could tell from the way she jerked that she'd processed the implication.

"If you're so sure that you're going to die anyway…" I breathed desperately. "Then at _least_ die like a Straw Hat. At least go down kicking and screaming the whole way, and give them nothing short of _hell_."

Robin's hesitation slowly faded even as she warred with herself, until finally she looked at Spandam with a heartwrenching combination of despair and determination. "Let me tell you… of the Buster Call. Let me tell you what the World Government is capable of…"

And so, at long last, she told the story of Ohara.

Spandam made no attempt to stop her, apparently _relishing_ in her agony as she recited the tale. CP9, meanwhile, stood by impassively. Though if I wasn't hallucinating, some of them seemed visibly uncomfortable with what they were hearing. As for Franky, he was clearly on the verge of bawling his eyes out, but the sheer horror of what he heard was keeping that decidedly moment-killing reaction at bay. That, or Soundbite had had the good sense to mute him.

And it was clear that CP9 either hadn't found out about my little trick with the SBS, or they simply chose not to remind Spandam of it. But I knew, and so did Robin, and so did the rest of the crew, that the entire world was now learning the truth that the World Government had tried so hard to cover up. It was only the look on her face that kept me from grinning maliciously; I could only imagine how everyone outside of Enies Lobby was reacting…

 **-o-**

"Mayor Iceburg, the ship is ready—Ah…" The Galley-La employee stopped moments after entering his foreman's office, dumbstruck by the scene he was met with. Understandable, since it wasn't every day that you walked in on the strongest man in all of Water 7 leaning against his desk as he watched a small fire burn in his wastebasket, of all places. "Uh… sir? What's going on?"

Iceburg glanced at his employee with a vague amount of interest. "You're… ah… damn, I always forget your name."

"Everyone always does, sir, I'm practically invisible. But I'm fine with everyone always calling me 'that One Colts Guy.' Ya know, because of…" He gestured at the blue horseshoe emblazoned on his baseball cap.

"Ah, right, right…" Iceburg sighed as he looked back at the fire. "…Do you know why I allowed Galley-La and Water 7 as a whole to accept contracts from the World Government?"

"Ah…" The Colts Guy hesitated in confusion. "I… can't say that I do, sir."

Iceburg hung his head with a sigh. "Because back when I was still an apprentice, I experienced what could and would happen if Water 7 was an enemy of the World Government when I witnessed Tom's fate. I established myself as a reasonable authority figure, and aimed to endear our company and island to the World Government, to ensure that we were never hurt again."

His eyes and grip tightened grimly. "But in recent days, I've been forced to reconsider that course of action. If the World Government had no qualms about unleashing something like _that_ on this island for the sake of their own agenda… If we're no safer as their allies… then I'm making a decision that I should have made upon the first SBS broadcast."

The Colts Guy took a second to process what he was hearing before sucking in a breath as he snapped his eyes to the wastebasket. More specifically, to the papers burning within. "Sir…" he started uneasily. "Are those documents… what I _think_ they are?"

Iceburg smirked slightly in response before pushing off from his desk and walking past the shipwright. "I'm heading out. While I'm gone, spread the word to the rest of the companies on the island that as of this moment, all contracts between Galley-La and the World Government have been rendered null and void, and that henceforth we will refuse service to all those affiliated with them, without exceptions. Do I make myself clear?"

The shipwright stared numbly at his boss for a second before grinning ecstatically and snapping out a salute. " _Sir, yes, sir."_

"That's what I like to hear."

 **-o-**

From the moment that Cross had announced who their mystery crewmate was, the royal throne room's inhabitants had had every aspect of their attention locked onto the SBS. King Cobra, Igaram, Chaka, Pell, Kohza, and the Supersonic Duck Squadron were all at a loss to why Luffy and his crew would have allowed Crocodile's right hand woman on the same crew as Vivi and Carue. It was only the events in the royal tomb that made Cobra restrain his comrades from calling into the SBS and demanding to know what they were thinking.

They now had the answer to that question. All of those in the room knew Cross' secret, and so they knew that he had already known all of what Nico Robin was saying at the time she joined them. Cobra eventually broke the silence with a quiet statement.

"I believe that we have no reason to hold a grudge against Nico Robin, nor to protest her stay with the Straw Hat Pirates." The king cast a firm look around the room. "Do any of you disagree?"

Everyone to a man—and duck—shook their heads solemnly.

 **-o-**

Half of the ships that half of MI5 were half-dead trying to clean were halfway done, while the other half were halfway back into the water. Half of the soldiers had stopped their work as the half-trembling voice of one of their half-allies—oh, forget it. The entirety of MI5 was spellbound by the macabre tale being spun.

Smoker and Hina were steadily burning down their cancer sticks in grim silence, while lingering doubts in any of the minds of their gathered men withered away to nothing.

For the longest time, none of the Marines dared even moved.

Then, a blue-haired swordswoman leapt down from the scaffolding she'd been standing on and started stalking towards the coastline, steadily stripping off her uniform as she went.

"And just where do you think you're going, Officer Tashigi?" Smoker asked as he noticed.

"I'm going to swim out, find the biggest Sea King I can possibly locate, and kill it dead, sir," she replied in a tone that was all but dead, save for the frigid fury it sported.

Smoker and Hina glanced at one another in surprise before Hina slowly shifted her sunglasses onto her forehead. "And… why are you looking to do that, Lieutenant?" she asked hesitantly.

"Because I'm pissed at what I'm hearing, ma'am," Tashigi responded without pause. However, she then stopped dead a few feet later. "I'm sorry ma'am, that was a lie. That's _not_ why I'm pissed."

An uncomfortable silence hung in the air until Smoker cleared his throat. "Care to elaborate, Lieutenant?"

Tashigi's hand slowly started to strangle Shigure's hilt. "…If I'd heard what I'm hearing now four months ago, I would have been horrified. I would have vomited, or not believed it or… or _something_. I… I would have _felt_ something. But now… after all I've learned, after all I've seen… hearing this… I'm not disgusted anymore. I don't have it _in me_ to be disgusted anymore. I can't vomit in disgust, I can't reel in horror…"

Tashigi jerked her head to the side so that she could throw a scathing glare over her shoulder. "I am apoplectic because _I can't feel anything else._ The World Government has successfully jaded me. Not even pirates or criminals, but the _World Government,_ who I swore to protect and serve with my _life,_ and that…" Tashigi snapped her gaze forward again, but it was easy to see the spots of moisture starting to appear on the sand at her feet. "That enrages me to the point where I need to physically _hurt_ something, or else I think that I am going to literally _lose my mind."_

Smoker was silent for a moment before nodding his head. "Do what you feel you need to, Lieutenant."

Tashigi bared her Shigure's blade in response. " _Thank you,_ sir." And with that, she strode into the surf and was soon out of sight.

Hina blinked after her in dumbstruck awe for a moment before coughing heavily. She then glanced to the side, where Smoker was _literally_ fuming as he burned his cigars down to ashes. "And just why are _you_ so furious?" she asked, before pausing and jerking her head at the Transponder Snail between them. "Besides the obvious reason, I mean."

Smoker snarled viciously as he all but chewed clean through his cigars. "She just disobeyed my orders," he ground out.

"Ah… Hina is confused. Do you mean the boat cleaning, because Hina thinks that that can be—!"

"The day she became my subordinate," Smoker interrupted with a low growl. "She did something I'd never seen anyone do before. I'd had countless Marines join my division before her, but when she joined, she was the first to stand there, wearing her uniform and carrying everything she owned in the world on her back… and greet me with a smile." The Commodore took his cigars out of his mouth and huffed out more smoke than humanly possible. "When I saw that smile… I gave her an order. One I'd hoped she would follow unto her dying days."

Hina eyed her comrade warily. "And… that order was?"

Smoker growled furiously as he ground his cigars down in the sand.

"To never let herself become like me."

 **-o-**

The thought that she had gotten more exercise in the last three months than she had for any considerable amount of time in the decade prior to then was whispering in the corner of the old woman's mind as she purposefully strode through the halls of Marineford.

However, the vast majority of her mind was focused on pure, incensed fury, aimed at one very specific person. And as she finally broke out of her Shaving, she found herself back in the devastated remains of the Fleet Admiral's office, nobody present aside from the Fleet Admiral himself. Even Gruffy had relocated for his own good; the only other living being present was the snoozing Transponder Snail. Sengoku had ceased listening to the SBS after his call to Spandam for the sake of his blood pressure, which was reaching dangerously high levels. Of course, the same could not be said for anyone else in Marineford, which brings us to the following interrogation:

"What. Is. The meaning. Of _this?"_ Vice Admiral Tsuru demanded coldly.

"Rest assured, I'll be on the warships once they're ready to depart," Sengoku said dismissively, not looking up from the paperwork he was filling out. "I'm just taking the time to request that the materials for rebuilding the tower are stronger. Honestly, if today is any indication—"

 _CRACK_!

The Fleet Admiral reeled back in shock when his desk was suddenly split by a cane ramming into its top.

"I couldn't be made to give a damn about your blasted paperwork at _gunpoint_ , Sengoku," Tsuru spat acridly. "No… what I am asking— _demanding—_ is that you tell me _why."_

"What are you—!?" Sengoku started in confusion.

"The SBS, Sengoku. You should have kept listening; Nico Robin is currently in the middle of blowing the whistle on what happened 20 years ago for the entire _world_ to hear. And though I'm seriously wondering why that subhuman degenerate Spandam hasn't been fired yet, there's one much more glaring question that I expect you to answer: why the _hell_ has that rabid _mutt_ you call an 'Admiral' managed to get away with exterminating an entire _island's_ worth of civilians, as well as several dozen _innocent_ Marines, with absolutely no blowback _for the last twenty years!?"_ Tsuru roared. "And _don't!"_ She snapped a finger up when Sengoku started to open his mouth. "You _dare_ give me that tripe about 'archaeologists' on board, because we _both_ know that that is nothing short of a load of utter _bilge."_

Sengoku tensed furiously as he processed her words. "What did you just say?"

Tsuru scowled viciously as she withdrew a binder from her coat and waved it at him. "Sounds familiar, doesn't it? I must say, the entire report on Operation Tabula Rasa is _quite_ the read."

"YOU RAIDED MY PERSONAL QUARTERS!?" Sengoku roared as he shot to his feet.

"I HAD TO KNOW THE TRUTH!" Tsuru bellowed back. "The _whole_ truth, the _honest_ truth, not that redaction-laden mockery you had the gall to call a _report!_ Oh, sure, for years I've accepted Buster Call reports being redacted to the point of illegibility as a matter of fact, but now I am fully aware that that was a gross _mistake!"_ She punctuated the point by slamming the binder on the desk. "What the _hell_ were you thinking, Sengoku!? I've always known that Akainu has been a liability on the best of days, several of our best are, but _genocide?!_ Before today I'd never have thought there to be a grain of truth to Cross' words, but now—!"

" **ENOUGH!"**

Tsuru choked fearfully, shrinking back as she was simultaneously assaulted by a wave of pure presence and _blinded_ by a blast of golden light.

" **I NEVER EXPECTED SUCH INSOLENCE FROM** _ **YOU**_ **, OF ALL PEOPLE. BUT AS IT'S COME TO THIS, ALLOW ME TO MAKE OUR POSITIONS CLEAR,"** Sengoku steamed murderously. " **OVER THE YEARS, I HAVE HAD TO MAKE** _ **COUNTLESS**_ **DECISIONS OF QUESTIONABLE MORALITY BECAUSE AS YOU HAVE SO** _ **CLEARLY**_ **FAILED TO NOTICE, I AM SINGLE-HANDEDLY** _ **LEADING THE WAR AGAINST THIS ERA OF PIRACY.**_ **NOBODY ASIDE FROM COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF KONG HAS** _ **ANY**_ **IDEA OF THE BURDEN OF THIS POSITION. NOT YOU, NOT THE REST OF THE CORPS, AND** _ **CERTAINLY**_ **NOT THAT LOWLIFE, RECKLESS,** _ **LOUD-MOUTHED PIRATE!"**_ Sengoku stabbed his finger at the snoozing Snail on his desk.

The Fleet Admiral then leaned forward and loomed menacingly over his subordinate. " **I MIGHT DESPISE HIM AND HIS METHODS, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT WE** _ **NEED**_ **SOLDIERS LIKE SAKAZUKI TO MAINTAIN ANY HOPE OF KEEPING THE WORLD IN BALANCE AND KEEPING THE MARINE CORPS STRONGER THAN THE EVER-INCREASING POPULATION OF PIRATES. JUSTICE CANNOT ALWAYS BE AS SIMPLE AS WE WISH IT WOULD BE; IF ONE HUNDRED MUST DIE IN ORDER TO SAVE ONE THOUSAND, THEN I WILL KILL THOSE HUNDRED MYSELF,** _ **AND I EXPECT YOU TO DO THE SAME WITHOUT HESITATION!**_ **AS YOUR** _ **SUPERIOR OFFICER**_ **, I EXPECT NOTHING LESS THAN COMPLETE COMPLIANCE AND ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT I DEEM BEST, AND YOU** _ **WILL**_ **REFRAIN FROM SHARING YOUR OPINION UNLESS I** _ **EXPRESSLY REQUEST IT!**_ _**DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR,**_ **VICE ADMIRAL** _**TSURU?"**_

Tsuru cowered slightly beneath her superior's wrath for another moment. Then, slowly and with defiance beginning to emanate from her entire form, she straightened, and Aokiji himself could not have had a more frigid expression or tone than she did as she replied. "Crystal, _Fleet Admiral_ Sengoku."

With that, the Fleet Admiral reverted to his normal state, an expression more of frustration than anything else on his face as he resumed his paperwork. "Is there anything further?" he snapped dismissively.

Tsuru twitched visibly for a moment before snapping her head to the side with a snort. "Oh, simply that I'm far from the only Marine on base that's agitated from recent revelations."

Sengoku interrupted his writing by smashing his fist into his desk with a snarl. "I _could not_ be made to care about that at the moment, Vice Admiral," he bit out with a glare.

Not one second later, the tower was shaken by a tremor.

Sengoku twitched viciously… again. "I swear that I am going to _rip Garp's—!"_

"Oh, that wasn't Garp," Tsuru corrected as she casually inspected her fingernails. "Unless I miss my guess? Those were the other dissenters."

 _That_ drew a look of honest surprise from the Enlightened Human. "Wha—?"

" _ **HONORLESS BASTARD!"**_

"GWAH!"

 _ **CRASH!**_

Sengoku spun around in his seat and stared out of where the wall to his office had been in confusion as a titanic roar of outrage shook the whole of Marineford. This confusion was only _compounded_ when he caught sight of Vice Admiral John Giant being tackled onto one of the readied warships in Marineford's bay by _Vice Admiral Ronse_ of all people, followed by the helmeted giant proceeding to beat the ever-living _shit_ out of his fellow titan. And as if that weren't bad enough, the two were then followed by _fifteen other Giant Marines_ following them, all brawling either with themselves or with a number of Vice Admirals who were trying to subdue them and all throwing the lovingly assembled warships into nothing short of utter disarray.

"What the _hell_ is going on!?" Sengoku demanded in shock.

"In case you were unaware," Tsuru drawled as she continued to inspect her nails. "Ex-Vice Admiral Jaguar _D._ Saul was particularly popular with his fellow giants, and those that were once pirates were _already_ agitated from learning what we told their old allies Oimo and Kashi. They _might_ have managed to hold their tongues… had John Giant not decided to share his opinion on how Saul _earned_ his fate due to being a traitor. _That_ got him placed on a rather short list."

She gave Sengoku a chilling look. "Put simply, they've formed a lynch mob. They want John Giant dead for his disrespect, they want Aokiji dead for freezing Saul, they want Akainu dead for bombarding him, they want _you_ dead for for being in charge… basically, they want blood."

"You have _got_ to be kidding me…" Sengoku moaned as dragged a hand down his face.

"Hardly. And for the record, this—" She jerked her head at the brawl in the bay. "Is only the _tip_ of the iceberg. All of the giants stationed on Marineford are either in the throes of mutiny or trying to suppress it, though the latter are, quite frankly, in the vast minority. Honestly, it's hard to say what has them more infuriated, that we killed Saul or that we've been hunting his _ward_ , Nico Robin, for the past twenty _years._ In case you've forgotten, even those giants who _weren't_ born and raised on Elbaf are rather _big_ on honor _._ " Her tone could not have been drier if Crocodile was holding her vocal cords.

Sengoku was twitching enough that he may as well have been having a seizure. Tsuru waited for a moment more before speaking again, albeit grudgingly. "Your orders, _sir?"_

The Fleet Admiral glanced at her for a moment before turning a murderous glare on the brawl below. "Inform Admiral Aokiji that he will not be joining us at Enies. Rather, he will be occupied with suppressing this _mutiny_ , _effective immediately."_

Tsuru cocked an eyebrow in a decidedly unimpressed manner. "So, basically, your solution to solving a problem that began with a frozen giant… is with _more_ frozen giants. Yes, because that will go over _splendidly."_

Sengoku shot an unreadable look at his subordinate. "You have your orders, _Vice Admiral."_

Tsuru scowled as she snapped him a supremely stiff salute. "At once, _Fleet Admiral."_

And with that, Tsuru spun on her heel and marched out of the office, slamming what little of the door was left behind her.

Unnoticed by either of the Marines, one of the last surviving pictures on the office's wall was jarred loose by the impact and smashed to the ground.

The picture held within depicted a trio of young Marines—actually, not even proper Marines, but _graduates—_ celebrating and smiling joyously as they toasted their mugs with one another.

A crack ran through the glass of the frame, cleanly separating the female of the trio from the afro-touting friend whose shoulders she'd slung her arm around.

 **-o-**

"…Do you understand now?" Robin pleaded desperately as she finished. "If you use a Buster Call, everything on this island will be destroyed…" She stared down at us tearfully. "Including all of you."

Her words were addressed as much to Spandam and CP9 as they were to us. Going by the despair in her voice, it was clear that she was pleading for us to run. She was begging for us to leave her to the wolves and save ourselves so that we wouldn't die in vain trying to save it. So that she wouldn't have to see us die.

I ground my teeth furiously in an effort to keep silent, an entirely new kind of fire raging within my gut.

We, however, officially _did not give a fuck._

To read about it and even see the cataclysm Robin had depicted was one thing, but to hear it… to hear the suffering and sorrow in the voice of one of my closest friends, of one of the strongest women I knew… to hear her tell of the death of an island, of a way of life…

We officially could not walk away from this fight even if we'd wanted to with every fiber of our bodies, hearts and souls.

And I sure as hell wasn't the only one feeling this way either.

" _ **That son of a bitch…"**_ Soundbite breathed numbly.

"There is no hell deep enough or vile enough in existence…" Lassoo growled through raised hackles.

"An entire… _island…"_ Conis whispered to herself, her expression positively thunderous. "In an _instant…"_

"I was sorely mistaken," Boss grimaced ferociously as he ashed his cigar. "She doesn't owe me a damn thing. She hasn't owed _anyone anything_ for a long time."

Vivi's face was emotionless as she stared up at the Tower, but the blood dripping from where she was gripping the chains of her weapons said all that needed to be said. "So… this is the legacy my ancestors created…" she whispered to herself before scowling in disgust. "This is the legacy of the _world…"_

"That's nonsense!" Spandam proclaimed. "There's no way that the Marines would kill their own men, we wouldn't take casualties from our allies!"

"Uh…" Su cocked her head to the side uneasily. "Wasn't he about to—?"

" _His father,"_ I growled venomously. "Was the one who called down that damn attack in the first place. Suffice to say that his perspective is _somewhat_ compromised."

Su shivered heavily as she realized that, for the second time in her life, she was in the presence of a madman with the ability and desire to kill us all at the drop of a hat. "Noted."

Meanwhile, Robin continued on, obviously not caring about or even hearing what Spandam was saying. "Do you understand my fear now?" she pleaded desperately. "Do you understand why I'm still trying to save you? The World Government is an absolute force of authority and destruction. No matter how strong you all may be, you can't fight against the world and all of its darkness. If it goes on like this, someday…" She shook her head miserably. "Someday… Someday they will overwhelm you! Someday, they'll crush you, and you'll all die for my sake! And the idea of that happening, of the ones I've been searching for all of my life wasting their lives for my sake, nothing terrifies me more! So if I am destined to die anyway, then at least let me die here of my own volition, so that you all may _live!"_

Robin's words hit us like an iron rod, briefly managing to quell our rage.

"Robin…" Nami softly breathed.

Vivi shook her head with a grimace. "Damn it, she's making it _so_ hard to stay mad at her…"

"She's been cawwying this fow _how wong?"_ Carue whispered.

"Too long, my friend…" Boss grimly answered. "Too long by _half."_

Of course, just as soon as our rage was dampened down…

"WAHAHAHAHA! YES, YES THAT MAKES _PERFECT_ SENSE!"

It was just as suddenly restoked to unparalleled levels.

"I'm going to eat him," Lassoo stated in an unnaturally steady voice. "I have never once in my existence eaten human flesh, but thankfully I'm _certain_ that he doesn't even remotely count."

" _ **GET IN LINE,"**_ Soundbite rumbled with honest-to-goodness murder in his voice.

"What a sorry case," Spandam gloated in Robin's face, even though she didn't so much as acknowledge him. "Even if you make friends, all you can do is drag them through the muck with you. WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! IT'S SO PERFECT!"

"Permission to shoot him?" Usopp and Conis snarled in unison as they grabbed their weapons.

"Give him a second…" I warned them as I raised my hand placatingly, only barely managing to suppress the murder in my own voice.

"But—!" Conis began to protest before Luffy silenced any objections.

"Do what Cross says, you guys," our captain stated in probably the calmest voice I'd ever heard from him. It was actually kind of scary.

"BEHOLD, YOU SCUM OF THE SEAS!" Spandam cackled as he jabbed his finger upwards, drawing our attention to an object whose form was _very_ well known in both this world and mine, though for _extremely_ different reasons. "THAT FLAG BEARS THE EMBLEM OF THE WORLD GOVERNMENT! IT SIGNIFIES THE UNITED STRENGTH OF OVER 170 NATIONS ACROSS THE WORLD! ACROSS THE FOUR SEAS AND THE GRAND LINE, THAT SYMBOL REPRESENTS THE WORLD ITSELF!"

Spandam flung his arm out. "DO YOU REALIZE NOW THE SCALE YOU'RE FIGHTING ON! DO YOU REALIZE HOW PATHETIC YOUR EXISTENCE IS!? _THE POWER OF THIS WOMAN'S ENEMY!?"_

Silence reigned supreme as every last one of us observed the flag, as we took in its form and everything that it implied.

Until finally…

"Yeah," Luffy nodded solemnly. "I understand exactly who Robin's enemy is."

Luffy then lowered his head and glanced to his left… and then to his _right._

"Everyone."

I felt an unparalleled _thrill_ run through me as I snapped an ecstatic grin to Luffy. "Yes, Captain?" I whispered reverently. Was he going to do it? Did he actually _mean_ what I think he meant!?

Luffy looked back up at the flag without a trace of emotion.

"Shoot down that flag."

 _HALLELUJAH._

"FUCK THE HELL YES!" I cackled ecstatically as I grabbed Lassoo and took a knee, aiming him straight at the symbol of _our_ enemy. "CANI-BLAST!"

"YES, SIR!" Lassoo barked with a salute before going full-gun and clicking loudly.

" _This is gonna_ _ **be**_ **E~PI~C!"** Soundbite sang rapturously.

"Burn Bazooka," Conis announced frigidly, swinging her own cannon off her back and aiming it upwards.

"Give 'em hell, girlfriend!" Su yelped as she glared up at the tower from Conis' shoulders.

"I've stood on the sidelines until now. Never again!" Nami snarled as she spun her Clima-Tact at her side, coalescing her clouds into a writhing, lightning-drowned tail. "Lightning Bolt Tempo!"

"Three Sword Style," Zoro intoned around Wado Ichimonji as he tied his bandanna around his head before drawing his secondary and tertiary blades and drawing them back into position. "108 Caliber Phoenix!"

"Behold the awesome power of the giant slingshot Kabuto!" Usopp bellowed confidently as he drew said slingshot's pouch back. "Special Attack: Firebird Star!"

"My first use of this technique, and it couldn't be a more momentous occasion," Sanji snarled as he hefted his leg up and drew it back. "You'll pay a thousand years of hell for every hair you hurt on dear Robin-chwan's head! The first course in your punishment, a rehash of your Tempest Kick! _APÉRITIF!"_

" **A moment such as this,"** Chopper rumbled as he withdrew a single vial of _very_ mobile and highly volatile-looking liquid from his backpack. " **Deserves something** _ **special**_ **for it! TREMBLE BEFORE THE MIGHT OF MY LATEST CREATION! CHERRY BLOSSOM BLAST** _ **BLIZZARD!"**_

"Uh…?" Vivi glanced at her Cutters hesitantly for a moment before shooting a hopeful look at Carue. "Any ideas?"

"Ah… 'Go team'?" Carue answered, half-heartedly pumping a wing.

"Damn. Well, at least _you_ know how I feel, right, Boss?"

"Half-Shell Style," Boss intoned as he slammed his rope-dart into the roof and withdrew it with a goodly chunk of stone attached to the end, which he then began spinning into a blur. "Flying Fish Fastball Special!"

"OH, COME ON!"

Spandam blinked incoherently for a moment before his jaw dropped and every drop of blood escaped his face. "Wait… what are you—! No… nonono _nononoNO, DON'T EVEN—!"_

Too late.

There was no signal, no words, nothing. None were needed. As one we moved.

" **ROCK BOTTOM BLAZE OF GLORY!"**

And as one, we unloaded our attacks on the symbol of Robin's enemy. The symbol of _our_ enemy.

On that day, we the Straw Hat Pirates did _not_ burn the flag of the World Government.

Rather… we _disintegrated it,_ completely and utterly.

 **-o-**

Never before had the sum volume in the Revolutionaries' Central Command in Baltigo risen above a few scarce decibels at a time.

Then again… never before had someone _stuck it_ to the World Government in such an utterly _glorious_ manner that had Dragon out and out _cackling._

"SHISHISHISHISHI!" Monkey D. Dragon led his comrades in revolution in cheering. "EXCELLENT, LUFFY! SHOW THE WORLD YOUR WILL! SHOW THE WORLD YOUR DETERMINATION! _PROVE YOUR AUTONOMY! SHISHISHISHI!"_

"THAT'S MY BROTHER, DAMN IT!" Chief of Staff Sabo whooped from atop the table he was perched on as he jabbed his finger at the only active Snail in the room. "THAT'S MY CRAZIER-THAN-HELL BABY BROTHER! GIVE 'EM HELL, LUFFY! _GIVE 'EM HELL!"_

"CHEERS FOR THE MOST EARTHSHAKING CREW SINCE ROGER!" Koala laughed as she toasted a bottle of liquor she'd pulled from somewhere. "TO MONKEY D. LUFFY! TO JEREMIAH CROSS, BASTARD THAT HE IS! TO NICO ROBIN! _TO THE STRAW HAT PIRATES!"_

" _KANPAI!"_ the facility bellowed as one.

 **-o-**

In complete and utter contrast, the throne room of Amazon Lily was silent as the grave, the jaws of almost every last person in the room touching the floor.

"Did… Did that just _happen?"_ Marigold whispered in complete and utter disbelief.

"He… but they… how… wha…?" Sandersonia stammered, her brain misfiring furiously.

Through it all, Boa Hancock's newly acquired apprentice looked around in confusion. "Ah… Elder Nyon?" Marguerite leaned down to whisper to the old woman. "I take it that what we just heard was… significant?"

Elder Nyon swallowed heavily before shooting a wide-eyed look at the young woman. "Try…" she croaked. "Utterly… _unprecedented._ Nobody in recorded history has _dared_ commit the act that these pirates just did. Only one thing's for certain now—!"

" _Snrkt!"_

The elder was cut off by a loud snort rippling through the throne room, causing everyone to look around in confusion for the source.

" _Snrkght!"_

At least, until a _second_ snort rang out, confirming the source to be the world-renowned Pirate Empress herself, who was doubled over and shaking in the coils of her _very_ confused partner.

The room's occupants exchanged uneasy glances until Nyon jerked her head at the Empress, prompting the other two Gorgons in the room to speak up.

"Ah… sister?" Marigold started warily.

"Are…" Sandersonia slowly inched forward. "Are you… alright?"

" _SNAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

The room froze once anew, only _this time_ it was on account of Boa Hancock flinging her head back and _shrieking_ with laughter, laughing and laughing harder and louder than any on Amazon Lily had ever heard her laugh before.

Hell, it was the first time half the room's occupants had ever heard her laugh, full stop.

After about a minute of the laughing, Nyon managed to gather the wits she needed to swallow heavily. "Only one thing's for certain now," she repeated in a numb whisper. "Nothing will _ever_ be the same…"

If anything, those words only made Hancock howl _louder._

 **-o-**

In twin flashes of underdeveloped-but-still-passable Shave, Master Chief Petty Officer Coby and Chief Petty Officer Helmeppo appeared in the ruins of Fleet Admiral Sengoku's office, standing at attention.

"Fleet Admiral Sengoku, sir!" Coby led Helmeppo in snapping up salutes. "We are here to inform you that the vanguard is ready to move out! They only await… your… presence…" Coby wound down uncomfortably, the steam leaving him as he processed the scene before him.

Specifically, Fleet Admiral Sengoku staring at the Transponder Snail on his desk with rapidly mounting fury.

"Oh, what the _hell_ did those idiots do now!?" Helmeppo whimpered miserably.

"I don't know, but we need to—!" Coby started to order.

He was too late, however, as Sengoku erupted in a blaze of golden fury a second later.

" **I'M GOING TO CRUSH THOSE GODDAMN BASTARDS LIKE—** _grk!"_

Without warning, the blaze ended as abruptly as it started, leaving Sengoku standing in his normal form with a pained expression on his face, and a hand clamped over his chest.

A second later, he collapsed to the floor without so much as a sound.

The two low-rank rookies gaped at his prone body in shock.

"Did… Did that just happen?" Coby whispered incredulously.

His words snapped sense back into Helmeppo, prompting him to dash out of the office, bellowing at the top of his lungs. "MEDIC!"

 **-o-**

"That…" I breathed euphorically as I stood back up and settled Lassoo in his harness so that he could rest. "Was even better… than I could have ever. Possibly. Imagined."

" _ **Daaaamn skippy…"**_ Soundbite breathed in awe.

"You… You… YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Spandam roared incredulously. "YOU CAN'T SERIOUSLY CHALLENGE THE ENTIRE WORLD AND EXPECT TO WIN!"

" **YEAH?! BRING IT OOOOOOON!"** Luffy bellowed back, causing Spandam to recoil with a scream of fear. He then went on to glare at Robin herself, looking her dead in the eye. " **ROOOBIIIN! I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD YOU SAY IT YET!"** He clenched his eyes shut as he roared. " **TELL ME THAT YOU WANT TO LIVE!"**

 _That_ snapped me back to the present, and I promptly snapped in Soundbite's face before pointing at our shellshocked crewmate. "Come on, Robin, come on!" I whispered desperately into her ears, pumping as much emotion into my voice as I could. "You just saw it, didn't you? You just saw the beast _bleed!_ I know it's huge and I know that it's scary…" I shook my head desperately as I flung my arm out. "But damn it, if it bleeds, then _we can kill it! Together!"_

" **JUST DON'T BE AN IDIOT, DAMN IT!"**

I snapped my eyes to my shoulder in shock. "Soundbite?"

The baby snail was panting heavily as it grit its teeth. " **That is not dead which can eternal lie,"** he recited fervently. " **And with strange aeons even death may die!** _Lovecraft, Robin! YOU KNOW THIS!_ IT TAKES TIME, _longer than any of our lifetimes,_ _ **BUT THE FACT IS THAT THE WHEEL WILL ALWAYS TURN!**_ **NOTHING IS FOREVER!** _ **They are not forever!**_ _You know this to be a fact, more so than anyone!_ **You have to fight, damn it!** _FIGHT!"_

Slowly but surely, Robin's tears fell. She bit her lip as she sobbed, as her emotions raged within her…

And then suddenly, out of the blue, a staticky sound filled the air. I snapped a look at Soundbite, and only the glazed, unfocused look in his eyes and vacant expression made me refrain from glaring at him. Still, I opened my mouth to ask what was going on—

" _The sea's a vast place."_

When my blood suddenly froze in my veins. I didn't even have to strain my ears to hear Robin's gasp, to hear everyone start in shock, and the voice that suddenly filled the air.

" _The sea's a vast place,"_ the voice repeated, rumbling with utterly impossible emotions. " _So I guarantee… someday you'll find friends who won't ever leave you. No matter who you are, ain't no one born into this world to be alone!"_

"Impossible…" I breathed in awe. "Even by the standards of this world… that's…"

" _Your friends are right here waiting for you, Robin. All you gotta do is get back to them! Share your life with them… and never let them go!"_

The very second the last word shook the world, Soundbite slumped forwards, wheezing in exhaustion. " _SO LOUD…_ _ **SO STRONG…**_ _What kind…_ _ **of voice…**_ **was that?"** he groaned.

Robin was frozen in shock, tears flowing freely from her eyes, still locked onto Soundbite. And credit to my captain, he knew an opportunity when it smacked him in the face.

" **ROBIN!"** Luffy roared again. " **SAY YOU WANT TO LIVE!"**

And just like that, at long last, the dam _broke_ and Robin broke down with it into full-on joyful sobbing. It was messy, loud, and ugly…

…and it was also absolutely _beautiful_ in its complete and undeniable sincerity.

" _YES!"_ she screamed back. "I WANT TO LIVE!"

I shot my fists into the air and roared joyously in response, a sentiment that every last one of my crewmates echoed in some way or another.

"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Robin jerked forwards, her voice hoarse as she screamed at the top of her lungs. "TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE!"

"YOU FUCKERS JUST _LOST!"_ I cackled triumphantly as I jabbed my finger at the Cipher Pol, and the World Government as a whole.

As if in response to it all, the massive drawbridge below us suddenly roared to life and started lowering, spanning the last possible barrier between her and us.

"THAT'S MY BOYS!" Boss cackled as he pumped his fists in the air.

"BWAAAAAH!" Franky sobbed messily, his expression _way_ less appealing than Robin's. "YOU CRAZY GUYS! I LOVE YOU ALL SO DAMN MU-U-UCH!"

"Finally!" Nami nodded firmly with an impatient grin.

"Hang tight, Robin," Vivi whispered. "We're coming,"

"We're coming for her _and_ for you, you son of a bitch!" Su called up as she jabbed her paw at Spandam.

Spandam, of course, shrieked and reeled back in response. "DON'T COME OVER HEEERE!"

Unfortunately, the universe chose that exact moment to actually _listen_ to the bastard, as at that moment, twin explosions struck the sides of the drawbridge and caused it to freeze at an elevated angle halfway down.

Boss froze in his pose, twitching incredulously for a moment before proceeding to shake his fists at the Courthouse's towers. "YOU INCOMPETENT BRATS! YOU HAD _ONE_ JOB TO DO, DAMN IT! _ONE!_ YOU BETTER PRAY THE MARINES KILL YOU FIRST, _OR ELSE I'LL DAMN WELL MAKE YOU WISH THEY DID!"_

I winced sympathetically at my crewmates' plight before chuckling grimly as I crossed my arms behind my head. "Well, that route's blown. Guess we're doing this the hard way!"

 _That_ got everyone leaning forwards for a chance to stare at me in confusion. " _The hard way!?"_ they chorused incredulously.

My grin was Luffy-worthy as I raised my voice. "Ooooh, yeah."

 _ **WOOOOOOT!**_

"The hard way."

Soundbite became snow-white as he slowly rotated his eyestalks downward. " **Oh…** _ **hell no."**_ Going by how Lassoo was suddenly scrambling on my back, he'd gotten the idea too.

" _Puru puru puru—GAGAGA!"_ Pinkie cackled in Kokoro's voice as I dug him out of my jacket. " _HOPE YOU KIDS ARE READY FOR THE RIDE OF YOUR LIVES! THIS IS THE FINAL VOYAGE OF THE ROCKET MAN, ELDEST CHILD OF TOM'S WORKERS, AND I INTEND TO MAKE IT A_ GOOD ONE! NAGAGAGA!"

" _Ooooh, no…"_ the smarter members of our crew all whispered in horrified realization.

"He's not serious…" Su shrank back in naked terror. "Someone tell me that he's not serious!"

"Even by _my_ standards this is totally insane!" Boss shook his head in frantic denial.

"HAHAHAHA!" Franky bellowed as he stamped his feet ecstatically. "HERE THEY COME, SPANDA! THEY'RE COMING, _AND YOU CAN'T STOP THEM!"_

Spandam froze mid-panic, and snapped a _look_ filled with a whole cornucopia of emotions at the cyborg.

Franky, of course, noticed said look and leered malevolently in his tormentor's face. "What're you gonna do, huh? Hit me?" He jutted his chin out temptingly. "Please, do it, I'm begging you. Give me another reason to laugh in your ugly panda _face_."

 _That_ might have been a bit too far.

You know those stories about adrenaline letting people lift cars?

Well, in this case, it let a Spandam lift a cyborg and fling him into the void.

"He's got the right idea!" I crowed as I pointed at Franky's falling form before sticking my arm out towards Luffy. "Come on, Captain! Let's do it!"

"RIGHT!" Luffy yelled as he snapped his arms out, catching the rest of our _very_ unwilling crewmates in his grasp. His left tangled itself around Boss, who wasn't able to free himself no matter how hard he struggled, while I caught his right and firmly wound it around my own arm.

"Alright…" I grinned as I stared into the void. "In the words of the great Will Turner! 'Over the edge'!"

" **Nononono** _ **NO!"**_ Soundbite shrieked desperately.

"LET'S GO!" Luffy laughed as he jumped into the abyss.

"'OVER AGAIN'!" I roared back as I jumped along with him, helping him drag our crewmates with us.

" _ **AAAAAAAGH!"**_ Soundbite shrieked around the mouthful of my jacket he'd bitten into.

"YOU TWO ARE DEAD IF WE LIVE THROUGH THIS, YOU HEAR ME!?" Su screamed as she clutched Conis' jacket. " _DEAD!"_

" _GET IN WINE!"_ Carue squawked, hanging onto Luffy's arm for dear life.

The fall lasted for an eternity...

 _ **WOOOOOOOT!**_

And ended in an instant as the Rocket Man met us halfway, whiplashing us into its body and carrying us over the void.

As we flew towards the gates of the Tower of Justice, I could think of only one appropriate response.

" _PFFFHAHAHAHAAAAA!"_ I laughed at the top of my lungs. "READY OR NOT! HERE! WE! _COME!"_

An instant later, I received a _slight_ damper to my joy in the form of us hitting a yard-thick wall of stone head-on at what felt like a million miles an hour.

Still… in the long-run?

Totally worth it.

 **Xomniac AN: …a year. Not exact, no, but… twelve months is twelve months. A full. Damn. Year.**

 **One year since CV and I started this story. One year since Cross woke up on his little island in the middle of nowhere. One year since we started a story that should, by all rights, have died in its cradle…**

 **And look where we are now. Just… look.**

 **There are just… no words.**

 **It's been a long road… it's been worth it…**

 _ **And you better damn well believe that it's nowhere**_ **near** _**finished.**_

 **Patient AN: And half a year since I was invited to take part in this masterpiece. It's an honor to be a part of something like this.**

 **Hornet AN: Sadly, since these assholes already took all the good news, I have to deliver the bad. Namely, that while we will strive to maintain our once-every-two-weeks update schedule, do not expect a consistent time/day of updates, and don't be surprised if a chapter takes longer. TPO and Xom are back in school, and I'm now working a full-time job. As much as we'd like otherwise, real-life shit takes precedence.**

 **Oh, and another reason: five days until the NFL season starts! Woo**


	43. Chapter 40 - Enies Lobby Pt 2

**Chapter 40**

 **Xomniac AN: I am writing this AN the morning after the posting of Chapter 39… quite simply because I have no other choice but to. The sheer amount of praise we are receiving for Chapter 39 is… nothing short of awe-inspiring. I can literally feel tears in my eyes as I read what everyone has to say. The sheer amount of love and support you are showing for our story, for us, is… I just don't think there are the words. There… there just straight up** _ **aren't.**_ **So forgive me for using inadequate vocabulary, but… thank you. Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart. I wish I could say more, I really do.**

 **Patient AN: And a thank you from me to all of you, both for the joy you've given my co-author and the support you've shown to me by proxy. I don't believe I ever had enough self-confidence to consider myself a good writer before I joined the Cross-Brain. Now I can say it happily; after finding the way out of the depression that consumed my heart thirteen years ago, this is the second best thing that's ever happened to me. Thanks to all of you; every positive review and comment is reinforcement that I'm part of something good.**

 **Hornet AN: And we would be remiss if we didn't finish this off by saying thank you to all of you who gave constructive criticism on the story. I'm good, but I can't catch every problem, and I can't think through every implication and consequence, and neither can Patient and Xomniac. That it's been almost always well thought out and accompanied by every sign that you like the story in spite of its flaws only helps. You have made this story better by speaking up. And I'd especially like to make a shoutout to Yog. Your criticism is the most detailed of all, and I'll admit, some of our plot points were cribbed entirely from your posts.**

 **Cross-Brain AN: From we three to all of you who are fans of our work, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you.**

I don't know if it was a credit to half a year of hellish training or my own blood-boiling adrenaline that I managed to struggle out of the rubble that the Rocketman made out of the Tower of Justice's front. It was made particularly hard to tell considering that immediately before I broke out, I heard my captain let out a triumphant roar.

And as I pushed the scattered, jagged stones off of me… well, you can guess by now how I reacted.

"PFFHAHAHA! WOO!" I cheered as I shot out of the wreckage and pumped my fist jubilantly. "That was nothing short of utterly _kickass!_ And _fun!"_ I half-dashed, half-staggered over to my captain and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Right, Luffy?"

The rubber man turned to look at me, and after a moment of his adrenaline and serious-self clashing with his humorous side, he began laughing too. "Shishishi! Yeah, that was totally awesome! First we were—!"

"Yeah yeah, and then everyone was like—!" I picked up eagerly.

"But then we hit it like—!"

"The wall was just—!"

"Exactly!"

"Eesh…" I vaguely heard Franky muttering behind us. "I think I owe Mozu an apology. I guess that 'folly a ducks' thing or whatever isn't just a name for something dirty after all. Though now I wonder how the hell I'm gonna knock these two out of it…"

"Ohhh, don't worry."

Without warning, my headphones were suddenly yanked off of my neck, prompting me to twist around. "HE—!?" My protest died in my throat when I caught sight of not only Nami holding my headphones, but the rest of our crewmates glowering behind her. I was a bit confused as to why they all had their fingers in their ears - at least, until I noticed Soundbite's equally infuriated expression from where he was perched on our navigator's shoulder.

"I have an idea," Nami bit out acridly. She then directed a malevolent grin at my snail. "Oh, Soundbite?"

" _ **Yes,**_ **my good friend?"** Soundbite sneered back.

I paled in horror and quickly lurched at Nami, scrambling to wrench my earphones back, but she responded by casually holding me at bay with one hand and holding my headgear out of reach with the other.

"I know that you don't normally take orders from me, but I'd like to request a Gastro-Amp… to _eleven."_

" _ **IT WOULD BE MY HONOR."**_

I paled as the air suddenly _vibrated_ with an electric whine. "Don't suppose I could get away with an 'I'm sorry'?" I squeaked pitifully.

The demonic glint in Nami's eyes said it all.

"Uh-oh…" Luffy whimpered as he and I both shrank back fearfully.

And with that, Nami proceeded to suck in a deep, deep breath _and…_

 **-o-**

"You think they're alright after that?" Zambai wondered aloud, continuing to bash Marine after Agent with his bazooka, its ammo exhausted and its effectiveness reduced to that of a club.

"Eh," Raphey shrugged casually as she flipped her way over a Juryman's chain and used his head as a springboard with which to spin through the air. "Odds are that they'll get a little hurt one way or another, that's just the life we live, and probably more than a little angry— _angrier,_ they'll get angry- _er_ ," she swiftly corrected when her fellow students shot her a trio of incredulous looks. "But seriously, I don't think it'll be anything significant for them. After all, these asshats stole our comrade." She leered viciously. "Us steamrolling them completely and utterly? _Please._ That's the predetermined outcome, no two ways about it."

"You pirates can't be serious!" a World Government Agent who was hiding behind a nearby pillar sneered. "You really think that they could have survived plowing into the Tower of Justice at a speed like—?"

Suddenly, acting on a combination of reflex and pure animal instinct, Raphey, the other Dugongs, Yokozuna, and the Watchdogs that had made it to the courthouse all slapped their flippers or paws over their ears. The savvier members of the Franky Family and the Galley-La Foremen had the sense to stall their fighting long enough to follow their example, and not a split-second too soon.

" _ **YOU STUPID, IDIOTIC, MORONIC, INCONSIDERATE NUMBSKULLS OF BRAIN-DEAD NIMRODS NEARLY KILLED US ALL, AND YOU HAVE THE FUCKING**_ **AUDACITY** _ **TO LAUGH ABOUT IT!? I HOPE THAT WHEN YOU DIE YOU GET TENDERIZED, CHOPPED UP, DRIED OUT, BOILED, EATEN ALIVE AND SHAT OUT BEFORE YOU CAP IT ALL OFF BY ENDING UP FROZEN IN HELL'S BASEMENT AND**_ **SHATTERING** _ **, YOU SEVEN-TIMES-DAMNED ADRENALINE-HUFFING SUICIDAL**_ **BASTARDS!"**

The unholy _roar_ was loud enough that the whole of Enies Lobby was thrown off-balance. Or perhaps that was the island actually shaking. Hard to tell, on account of how many were still shivering in terror.

Mikey waited a second as he remained tensed up before glancing nervously in the direction of the Tower. "Nami's _piiiiiissed…"_ he whimpered.

Raphey swallowed heavily as she tugged at the bandanna covering her mouth. "Leo," she mumbled. "If I ever give you shit about you being our leader again, remind me about the moment you saved us from _that."_

Leo nodded numbly in agreement.

"Alright… with that little assault on our ears out of the way, where were we?" Paulie asked, forcing his eyes open out of the wince he'd adopted when the yelling started.

The sight that met his eyes was nearly every Marine, agent, and Juryman still struggling to recover, and the nearest Marine to him massaging his temples, and looking at him through squinted eyes. "Ergh… any chance that we can take a quick break?" he asked, regretting raising his voice immediately judging by how his rubbing intensified.

"Oh, yeah, now I remember. Sorry, but that's a no."

"Eh—?"

 _THWACK!_

The Marine had just enough time to blink in confusion before Paulie slammed his fist into his face.

And just like that, the brawl was back on.

 **-o-**

"Wow, that was really loud, Granny!" Chimney said as she removed her hands from her ears.

"NAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA!" Kokoro cackled, taking a swig from her bottle. "Ah, brings back memories of some of the boys' more harebrained stunts! The Straw Hats have a good disciplinarian to produce something like that!"

"Mawp… Mawp… Mawp…"

Kokoro glanced down at their pet rabbit, who was sprawled out on the ground, clutching his ears.

"Chimney, be a dear and carry Gonbe for a bit, okay?" the icefish mermaid said, before continuing down the sub-basement corridor they were in. "We're almost there."

The young girl nodded, scooped up her rabbit, and followed after her grandmother. Soon, Kokoro came to a stop in front of a nondescript door, and gave it a hearty shove. It swung open, revealing a room filled with shelf upon shelf of… Alcohol. Bottles upon bottles of wine, sake, whiskey, and gin, all of it high-quality.

"Jackpot," Kokoro whispered rapturously.

 **-o-**

"MAWP… MAWP… MAWP…" I mumbled blearily as I clutched at my ears. Were they bleeding? I think they were bleeding, or was that brainmatter?

"My head's shaking…" Luffy slurred miserably as he lay on his back, his eyes spinning into spirals.

" _ **I don't feel so good…"**_ Soundbite groaned, his tongue hanging out uselessly as he panted in agony. "I OUTDID _NAMI'S BEST… BUT I_ THINK _that attack_ **needs to be an ABSOLUTE** _ **LAST RESORT."**_

"As much as that hurt, I like the results," Zoro ground out as he stood over us.

"We're sorry," the rubber man and I moaned in synch.

"Don't let it happen again," Nami said with… _exponentially_ less venom. In fact, she looked positively lighthearted. "But on the other hand, I feel like I should thank you for that; that was a few _months'_ worth of repressed anger."

 _SMASH!_

I squeaked in nervousness as an Eisen fist suddenly shot at me, _barely_ missing my crotch and instead striking the floor. "And that's… out of eight years?"

Nami shrugged as she spun her staff and reeled the cloud back in, forcing it into submission with relative ease. "I think that between this thing doing all the anger for me and turning that secretary into a lightning rod, I should be good for a long time."

"Anyway," Su spoke up, padding over to look down at me. "What are we going to do now? Taking down those assassins and torturing that polished mass of primordial ooze is all well and good, but are we going to do that before or after we save Robin?"

"Chapapa," came a somewhat strained voice from nearby. "Allow me to answer that."

Luffy and I promptly shot to our feet and Su zipped back to Conis as we all snapped our attention to an upper corner of the room, where Fukuro was digging a finger in whatever ears he had, his forewarning apparently having done him little good against Nami's blaring wrath. "You know, I'm really happy that my only role in this whole mess is going to be stopping you from rescuing Nico Robin, because that probably means that you hate me a lot less than the chief and the ones who actually kidnapped her, chapapa," he grumbled acridly.

I took a second to suppress my desire to snort at his voice—because holy _shit_ was it hilarious—before readopting my serious expression.

"Soundbite? This is _not_ the time for playing around," Zoro snarled.

"This is my natural voice, chapa," Fukuro deadpanned.

"…We're so sorry," chorused most of the crew, bowing their heads.

"Why do I feel like not all of you are apologizing for being rude…" he muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, we're awkward like that," I said, waving the matter aside before stepping forward and addressing the… rotund man? Eh, close enough. "Anyway… Fukuro, correct? The gossip-loving 'Silent Owl'?"

To his credit, the assassin didn't even blink. "Chapapapa. You never fail to amaze and terrify, Cross."

I blinked in surprise at his nonchalance before recalling _exactly_ what he was like in the story. Now that I thought about it, he _was_ a pretty cool customer, wasn't he? He only lost his composure after going a few rounds with Franky, after all! If so, then maybe… "Yep, and proud of it, too. Anyway, again…" I very casually crossed my arms behind my head. "Seeing as you're a damn well-informed guy, I imagine that you already know that our modus operandi is that we never start a fight. Unless, of course, we're going up against someone who started it first. As you noted earlier, you had jack all to do with Robin's kidnapping, and currently you're only here at the behest of your subhuman Director. As such, I'm prepared to cut a deal with you using what authority I have on the crew: if you step aside now, we won't fight you, plain and simple. Given the circumstances, I think it's a pretty reasonable offer; you saw what happened to Jabra, and you're not even half as strong as he is, so why interfere with us at all?"

Several of the crew exchanged looks of unease and contemplation, but before any of them could speak up, Fukuro answered.

"Because you've severely misjudged the situation," he explained flatly. "Do you really think we're here because of what that weakling says, when obviously the logical answer is to run? No…" Fukuro shook his head sadly. "The only reason I'm _not_ flying away from here as fast as I can Moonwalk is that while you might terrify me, and your crew as a whole might scare the hell out of me…"

And just like that a sheen of cold sweat and a terrified grimace came over his face. " _Lucci_ scares me straight-up shitless, and he told us that if any of us contemplate running for even a second, he'll personally rip us in half," he explained. "Given the fact that I've worked with him from the day I joined CP9 and the fact that he's currently the strongest human being I know, I am completely and utterly inclined to believe him."

"…Yeah, alright, that's a fair point," I winced as I scratched the back of my head. "Well, then, no hard feelings for doing what has to be done. At least we can give you a swift defeat, right?"

"Indee—" Fukuro started to nod in agreement before freezing as my words caught up to him. "Wait, wha—?"

"Luffy, if you wouldn't mind—?"

A wave of steam suddenly swept over me. "GEAR SECOND!"

Credit to Fukuro where it was due, he didn't even wait a _second_ to turn into a blur, albeit while abandoning his moniker in his panic. "CHAPAPAPAPAPA—!"

It was no use, however. The instant he moved, Luffy moved as well and appeared before him, fist stretched behind him.

"JET PISTOL!"

 _BOOM!_

And just like that, we had a Fukuro-shaped crater in the middle of the floor of the Tower of Law, reminiscent both of Jabra's defeat and Bellamy's.

"ANOTHER ONE _BITES THE_ **DUST!"** Soundbite proclaimed with a cackle.

"Damn straight he does!" I nodded proudly as I snatched Soundbite back from Nami and replaced him on my shoulder.

"Cross, can I _please_ go and kick that stupid pigeon guy's ass now?" Luffy growled as he fell back to the ground, steam dissipating from him as he seamlessly hauled himself back a bit.

"Wait _just_ a minute, Luffy, while I explain the situation," I pleaded, before turning to face the crew as a whole. "Look, if it were as simple as just getting Robin back with us, don't you think she'd already have used her powers to at least try and get away from CP9 by now? The problem here is that she's a captive of the World Government, and there's one World Government protocol concerning Devil Fruit users that's almost immutable."

Vivi slapped a hand to her face with a groan. "Of course… she's wearing sea prism stone handcuffs…"

Every one of the crew that had been trapped in Crocodile's cage immediately growled in frustration. "I'm starting to get _damn_ sick of that mineral always showing up to bite us in the ass," Zoro practically snarled.

"You, me, and every last pirate on the Line without access to it makes three million," I grumbled in agreement. "Anyway… odds are that a government base like this is going to have access to multiple pairs of handcuffs. And given what Fukuro was most likely going to say before we knocked him out, they've probably decided to try stalling us while they take Robin to the Gates of Justice. In order to do that, I'm going to hypothesize that they took every key to the handcuffs that they had in this tower and divided them among the agents here, probably in an attempt to slow us down by forcing us to gather all of the keys before going after Robin. But really, if they want to have the best chance of keeping the key from us, they'd give it to the strongest they could have."

"Which means—!" Luffy jerked forwards eagerly.

"But!" I cut him off with a raised finger. "They'd also need the key in here to keep us stalled here in the tower, and there's no way in hell Spandam is letting Rob Lucci more than a few feet away from him. Logically, this means that they gave the key to the _second-_ strongest fighter CP9 has, who is currently in this building. Now, let's see…" I started knocking my fist against my head. "Fukuro came right to us and admitted to being weak, so there's no need to search him. Jabra and Blueno most likely weren't around long enough to pick up a key, so they're moot, too. Of the three remaining, we have Kaku, Kalifa and Kumadori."

"SO MANY JOKES **about white hoods** _ **and burning crosses**_ **TO BE MADE…"** Soundbite sighed wistfully.

"And so little time," I shot back without breaking my pose. "Anyway, considering the importance of the acquisition of Pluton's blueprints, I think that the second-strongest was in the team sent to Water 7, so that rules out Kumadori…" I snapped my fingers victoriously. "But if it were Kalifa, then Nami would never have been able to block her attack back on Water 7, so by process of elimination, it's Kaku who holds the key!"

Several of the crew were giving me quizzical looks, as they _knew_ that I already knew where the key was. Rolling my eyes, I pointed to the bag hanging at my side, within which was held the means through which I was _still_ broadcasting everything we were saying and doing to the entire world, and their looks faded into understanding.

"Sound logic, Cross," Franky said, giving a firm nod. "But if there are only three agents here and Luffy's going to be fighting Lucci, what do you expect the rest of us to do?"

I smirked cockily. "What else? Some of us will fight the agents so that we don't get jumped from behind, and some of us will follow Luffy to retrieve Robin. And the rest of us?" I slammed my fist into my palm. "We're going to act like the godforsaken pirates this world's decided to paint us as and tear this tower apart from top to bottom, looking for and subsequently taking _anything_ of value."

I don't know if Soundbite provided the effect or not, but I distinctly heard a _CHA-CHING!_ from Nami's general direction.

"Right! So," I clapped my hands together, and looked at my shoulder. "Before we move to the division of responsibilities, Soundbite, confirm positions of the enemy."

" **Roger roger,"** the snail replied, concentrating briefly. "MMM… _THIRTY STORIES above ground,_ TEN STORIES BELOW. **They didn't spare any expenses**. **Kaku's** _ **on the fifteenth floor… KALIFA'S**_ **on the twenty-sixth…** _AND KUMADORI—_ URGH, _he's SHAVING_ _ **like mad,**_ **but he's somewhere** _in the_ TOP FIVE _basements."_

"And Robin?" Luffy pressed eagerly.

" _ **Yeah yeah, LET ME JUST—**_ **WHAT THE FUCK!?"**

I jumped in shock at the sudden bout of swearing. "What, what is it? What's wrong?"

Soundbite's eyestalks were darting around in infuriated confusion. "I-I DON'T—! _One second I managed to_ **find her, the next SHE WAS GONE!"** He shook his head with a scowl. " _ **Also, she was… underwater AND AT THE EDGE OF MY**_ **RANGE!?** _THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"_

" _Some_ of it does," I growled, grinding the heel of my palm into my forehead as I put the pieces together. "There's no visible path from here to the Gates of Justice, and sailing there is impossible thanks to the whirlpools formed by the Gates interfering with the local currents, so underwater is the only place where the passageway between here and there could be. But the only way they'd be able to get there so fast is if—"

"If the pigeon bastard was carrying them while Shaving," Luffy deduced grimly.

"But why—?" I froze as a terrifying thought hit me. "Luffy… did Jabra happen to say _why_ he decided to break ranks and come after you?"

Luffy's already grim expression became even grimmer than before. "Before he beat up the bull guy, he said something about how he'd been wanting to fight me for awhile. Something about the Back Fight, too. I wasn't really listening, though, I was too pissed."

"Yeah, that about figures…" I groaned, shaking my head. "Lucci may be the most composed out of all of CP9, but he and Jabra have the same kind of power: they're Carnivorous Zoans, meaning that their predatory instincts run on overdrive and their bloodlust is through the roof. Jabra just rushed at you because he had less discipline, but Lucci's keeping his head while working towards the same endgame. Odds are that he raced ahead as fast as he could just so he could get to the ideal battleground for fighting you. And in the process…"

I scowled grimly. "He's already cut our time down to a fraction by escorting Robin straight to the doorsteps of the Gate, so we can't waste any more time. Luffy, head straight for the docks and Soundbite will guide you to the secret passage that'll lead you down to the tunnel. From there, it's a straight shot to Lucci. Meanwhile, Vivi, Conis, Franky—!"

"Ah, actually!" Franky cut in with a raised hand. "I used a pretty damn cola-draining move back on the Puffing Tom, so I need to find this place's kitchen and recharge. And also…" He tapped a finger to his forearm. "I need to find some tools. I've been working on a combat upgrade for a while now, and it's almost done. I want to finish it up before I charge into a big-ass fight."

I frowned thoughtfully at the cyborg. "This upgrade any good?"

Franky gave a cocky smirk as he shot out a thumbs-up. "SUPER good, I guarantee it!"

I mulled it over for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, alright, fine. Best you get going now. Soundbite, make sure he stays away from Kumadori, alright?"

" _ **He's fast, but**_ **he's also got THE VOICE** _ **OF A JUMBOTRON.**_ _Shouldn't be too tough."_

"Thanks a lot. See you guys later!" Franky nodded before running off.

"Now, as I was saying… Vivi, Conis, Carue, Su, you follow Luffy and pass by to Robin. Give him a few minutes' lead to get Lucci properly occupied before continuing after him. And to that, I add the following: _CHOP-CHOP!"_

I jabbed my finger in the general direction of Enies Lobby's rear dock, and Luffy took that for the starting signal that it was and charged off with a war cry. Vivi and Conis hastily boarded Carue, who sped ahead to catch up to him. I observed the dust trail for a moment before looking back at the crew. "Zoro, Nami, Chopper, you know your opponents. Get going, and regroup here when you're done."

"Right," they intoned together, and sped off.

"Usopp, I'll be climbing the Tower alongside you, but you'll be heading to the roof. In the likely event that Spandam gets to that bridge before we do, it'll be up to you to make sure Robin stays safe until reinforcements arrive. Your Kabuto is the only weapon on the island capable of reaching its target from that distance. Take full advantage of that, and _give them hell."_

Usopp's grin was even wider than when Oimo and Kashi had joined our side as he stamped his Kabuto into the ground and struck what I'm _sure_ he thought was a cool pose. "Fear not, for mask or no, I _am_ the King of the Snipers! They'll barely know what hit them!"

"Perfect!" I grinned hesitantly. My reluctance was on account of the flashes of smiling ghosts flitting through my mind, but I dismissed those worries for the future, when we _weren't_ at war with the World. "Anyway, Sanji, Boss, you're with us. This is still a government facility, and there's no telling who else is in this damn place. Kokoro, get Chimney and Gonbe to—"

I fell silent, blinking stupidly as I realized that the trio were nowhere to be seen. For a moment, I wondered where they'd gone and how they'd done that, but…

"You know what?" I said, throwing my hands up in the air. "Forget it, I'm not even going to _try_ dealing with their particular brand of madness, with any luck they'll be where we need them when we need them. For now, everyone else? Just straight-up raise hell. Now…" I slammed my fist into my palm. "Let's do this."

And with that, I and almost everyone else made a beeline for the nearest staircase, noting Nami taking the Waver off of her back and boarding it before she followed. Chopper split off at the start, heading down instead of up, and Nami zoomed ahead of us on her Waver shortly after we got up the first staircase. And Zoro? Who knows where he went after we took our eyes off of him; I trusted he'd find his way to Kaku soon enough, but still…

" _Dot dot dot dot!_ **Wow,** _ **again**_ **AT A TIME LIKE THIS?"** Soundbite remarked, drawing me out of my thoughts as we reached the third staircase. " _ **Should we—?"**_

"Eh, don't see why not. Gimme a sec…" I dug through my bag and tapped the appropriate button.

"OK, _YOU'RE LIVE… AAAND Gastro-Blur_ _ **DONE!"**_ he added, in response to the tapping on the other end.

" _ **Hi, there! It's great that I finally managed to call in! Anyway, I have a question! You keep mentioning 'shaving,' what are you talking about? I mean—!"**_

 **-o-**

"WHERE ARE YOU, AISA?! YOU GIVE THAT SNAIL BACK RIGHT NOW!"

The young oracle Aisa winced and hastily clammed up as the voice of her pseudo-big sister echoed through the forest, washing over her hiding place in the burrow of one of the higher trees of Upper Yard.

Ever since the Straw Hats had left, she had _wanted_ to call in to talk with them, primarily to give Cross an earful for ruining her chance to join them, but only now had she gotten an opportunity, far away from anyone who could stop her.

 _Namely_ Laki, who'd been particularly adamant about the fact that she would only ever be becoming a pirate over her K.O.'d ass, provided that Aisa was the one to actually do the deed. Which was to say, not even close to soon.

Still, for now she'd managed to snatch a stray Transponder Snail while someone wasn't looking and hide herself away in a spot she _knew_ was often patrolled, and thus the last place Laki would look or send someone to look, which led to her current situation. And, in a desire to not push her luck, she had elected to remain anonymous on the call for now.

"Sorry, issues on my end…" Aisa whispered after she was certain Laki had passed. "Anyway, I was gonna ask: are _all_ of those assassin people Zoans or something?"

Almost instantly, the air was filled with raucous, multi-tonal laughter, and more than a little normal snickering to boot.

" _Pffhaha, man, now_ that _is a hilarious way of thinking about it!"_ Cross chuckled. " _But, ah, no, it's nothing like that. It's part of these special martial arts they specialize in using. The Shave technique is a way of moving so fast that you seem to have disappeared. It's practically teleportation."_

Aisa leaned forward in eager interest. "Really? Wow, that sounds so cool! And you said that it's just one, right? What about the rest?"

" _Ah—!"_ Cross started to say, before cutting himself off and shaking his head. " _Ah, yeah… Sorry, loyal viewer, but I don't think it would be a good idea to hand ready-made weapons to the entire world. Secrets are one thing, but this requires more, shall we say, consideration. After all…"_ Cross then regained his usual smirk. " _If I was able to figure out the basics and get my crew on the way to learning them just by hearing about them, then anyone could!"_

Aisa pouted for a moment, unable to argue with that point, but quickly brightened when the meaning of the words sunk in. "Yeah, that's fair. But then, you guys are actually learning how to use them?!"

" _You're damn right we are! In fact, Sanji's already got one of them, and Usopp is well on his way to figuring out Shave!"_

"Really, Tengu-Nose? That's awesome!" Aisa said, rocking back and forth in her sitting position.

" _Heh, yeah, well, I don't have it quite figured out yet, so—! Eh? Wait a second…"_ Usopp's brow furrowed in confusion. " _The last person to call me that was—! Wait, are you—!?"_

" **LOOK OUT!"** Soundbite suddenly hollered.

" _Eh—_ WAAAGH!"

" _WHAT THE—USOPP!"_

Aisa jumped and her eyes widened in response to the sudden _SMASH!_ that erupted on the other end of the line, as well as the following cacophony. She then began shaking the now-nervous snail. "What's going on, you guys? What's happening, what's wro—"

Her words then died a very painful death as a strong, familiar hand gripped her skull, a matching hand moving forward and severing the connection to the SBS a moment later.

"You should be more concerned about _yourself,_ Aisa," Laki crooned, her tone reminiscent of poisoned honey.

"…meep."

 **-o-**

"Usopp, are you alright!?" I called out through the dust. Damn it, he'd been walking right in front of us and had thus been _exactly_ underneath the… _whatever it was_ that had smashed into the floor before us.

"Y-Y-Yeah, I t-t-think so. I-I-I even have some g-g-good news!" Usopp's voice sounded out… behind us?

I turned around and was treated to the sight of Usopp trembling fearfully in Boss's arms, Scooby-Doo style.

"I-I-I finally got the hang of S-S-Shave…" he chattered in terror.

Boss regarded Usopp flatly for a moment before snapping his arms away and letting the sniper drop on his ass.

"That's great, Usopp," the Dugong growled in a tone that was half-annoyed, half-sincere as he uncoiled his rope dart and started to spin it. "But what the _heck_ was that?"

We all stood at ready as the dust cloud settled, before tensing in shock and horror as we caught sight of what, or rather _who_ had come calling.

"…I think I'm flashing back to Krieg's invasion," Sanji whispered as his cigarette slipped out of his slack jaws.

I inched back nervously as I stared up and up and up at the _fucking impossible_ opponent standing before us. "You mean the part where he got up in a berserker rage _after_ Luffy had already won the fight and knocked the living daylights out of him?"

Sanji nodded numbly in agreement. "That's the one."

Jabra chose that moment to throw his head back and howl his fury to the heavens.

For a moment, as I backed away from the thoroughly tenderized wolf-man looking over us, I wondered how the hell someone who'd gone up against a legitimately ticked off Luffy could have possibly still been standing.

Then I noticed that his eyes were blank and bloodshot, he distinctly lacked any semblance of balance, and he was emitting very inhuman and very pained groans from his jowls.

Alright, so Jabra was barely conscious, if at all, but the fact remained that he was _here_ and demonstrating the legitimately _stupid_ amounts of resilience to punishment that Zoans were capable of.

"Sanji…" I muttered out of the corner of my mouth. "If he were actually conscious, I'd say that this would be easy. Right now, however, he's running on rage, adrenaline, and instinct, meaning that he is quite possibly feral and most likely more dangerous than he has ever been in his entire life. Do you think you can take him down in a single shot, before he can start reacting?"

Sanji bit down into a new cigarette and lit it, steadying himself with a deep breath. "I think I can damn well try."

"Good…"

Jabra suddenly fell onto all fours and shot at us like a bullet.

"Because here he comes!" I called back as Usopp and I ran to get the hell out of range.

Sanji promptly spun on his heel, not igniting it but undoubtedly heating it, and shot forward to meet the wolf. They were thirty feet apart… twenty… ten… _fi—_

 _SLAM!_ " _Aroough…"_

And Sanji skidded to a halt as a door of pure stone opened out of nowhere, slamming hard into Jabra's chops.

We had barely a second to stare before the _origin_ of the door stepped out of it, and scowled down at the now _actually_ unconscious wolf-man.

"I never expected to see you as such a pathetic weakling," Blueno growled as he slammed the wall shut behind him. "All that effort, all the shame you bring on the World Government, and you don't even have the decency to make it _close?_ " He shook his head solemnly as he turned to face us. "You're a disgrace to Cipher Pol No. 9."

I stared in bemusement for a moment as I processed the situation. "Before anyone who's actually against him makes a move, a comrade that he had previously betrayed and condemned to death knocks him back out," I muttered to myself before tilting my head curiously. "Eesh, this isn't just similar, this is a downright cut-and-paste of Krieg."

"No kidding," Sanji shot over his shoulder before turning his attention back to the bull-horned man. "Still, even with that kind of grudge against him, I'm sort of surprised that you did that instead of letting him try to wear us down some."

"Hmph." Blueno cracked his neck coolly. "In retrospect, perhaps I should have. Even so, getting my revenge was my only reason for stopping here. In the end…" He stuck his arm out and pushed an Air Door open. "I am, above all else, a professional."

I felt my blood freeze for an instant as I stared into the off-color dimension that lay on the other side of the impossible portal before managing to get my voice working again. "STOP HIM!"

Sanji didn't need any more warning than that; before Blueno could move so much as an inch, he sprinted forward and— _leapt into the portal?_

"I'm sorry," Sanji sneered right in Blueno's face. "This establishment is _closed for business."_ And with that, he grabbed the door with his own hand and slammed it in the assassin's face.

For a few seconds, nobody moved as we processed the situation.

"…He _does_ realize that I am the only person with access to that dimension, yes?" Blueno finally spoke up as he directed his flat expression at me.

I gave him an equally neutral look as I crossed my arms. "You _do_ realize that you are going to have to fight your way past him to enter that place, _yes?"_

 _There_ was the panic. It was only for a moment before he schooled himself, but _damn_ if it didn't feel good.

That good feeling then went away _real_ quick-like when he squared his shoulders and directed a scathing glare at us. "While that is a problem I will have to contemplate how to deal with, and while I'm no match for your captain…" He scowled irritably as he cracked his knuckles. "At least I can _certainly_ deal with you two pests before you cause any more problems for us."

Usopp and I tensed in terror as we realized that we were essentially alone against a _very_ ticked off assassin…

 _CLANG!_

And then jumped as a superheated hook slammed into the stonework at Blueno's feet.

"Careful now, bull-boy," Boss growled as he snapped his hook back and started swinging it at his side, the air shimmering both from the heat and the sheer speed of the spin. "I've been looking forward to a good one-on-one brawl for awhile now. The last thing you want to do…" He suddenly grabbed the base of his dart and snapped the cable taut. "Is to threaten _me_ with a good time."

Blueno's eyes narrowed. "As formidable as you are, surely you can't expect a mere animal to stand up to—"

Boss whipped his rope-dart to the side and smashed a sizeable hole in the wall. "I spar with the top three members of our crew on a regular basis," he stated firmly. " _Try me."_

Blueno remained _mostly_ expressionless, but a slight twitch and a sheen of sweat betrayed how nervous he was. Finally, he shook his head with a sigh. "Your crew truly is the most outrageous of this generation, for a being less than human to be capable of fighting against one of us. Nevertheless, while I don't doubt that I can easily defeat you should I so wish…"

' _Denial ain't just a river in Egypt_ ,' I mused, but before I could voice that thought, Blueno vanished without warning, and the slipstream of wind following him caused us all to turn and face where he was standing at the head of the staircase leading down.

"In the end," he continued casually. "The mission takes priority, so I suggest that you all enjoy what few moments you have left alive while _I_ rendezvous with my superior." He then glanced upwards with a long-suffering look. "For however much longer he _remains_ our superior, at any rate…"

And with that, he vanished again, soliciting a growl from Boss as he rewound his weapon. "I _really_ need to get the hang of that technique…" he muttered vehemently. "Still… I'm guessing we have to leave that fight to Sanji?"

"Pretty much, yeah," I confirmed. "Shouldn't be too much of a problem for him, though. After all, Blueno doesn't have any choice but to give him a literal opening if he wants to have any chance of getting control of his hidey-hole back. And giving Sanji an opening, especially when there's a lady's well-being at stake, _and_ said lady is part of our crew?"

" **Rocky** _mountain_ OYSTERS?" Soundbite leered.

"Bingo," I chuckled grimly.

"Ah… a-are you sure, Cross?" Usopp muttered warily. "I-I mean, I'm sure that in a straight-up fight, Sanji would wipe the floor with him, b-but he's locked himself in another _dimension!_ This is a-as far from an even fight as _possible!"_

"Eh, don't worry 'bout a thing, Usopp," I waved him off casually as I started marching forward again. "If you have any doubts, all you have to do is remember the two most integral parts of our crew."

Usopp—along with Boss and Soundbite—blinked in confusion, prompting me to spin on my heel and shoot them a grin.

"Our crewmates…" My smile took on a menacing overtone. "And the reality-breaking levels of _bullshit_ we are capable of."

 **-o-**

"This…" Sanji bit out tiredly as he pumped his legs in an effort to keep pace with his opponent. "Was not… my _smartest_ of plans!"

The Straw Hats' cook was currently in the process of rushing after the assassin, chasing his silhouette through the rippling green expanse of his dimension. Thoughts of Robin kept adrenaline flowing through his bloodstream, ensuring that he didn't grow tired, but at the same time he couldn't shake a growing queasiness in his gut. It had taken him a minute to realize that it was because of how stale the air was, no doubt on account of how there wasn't even a trace of wind blowing in the off-color realm to recirculate it.

His nausea barely registered in his mind, however, as he saw Blueno moving at a much more leisurely pace, heading straight towards a wide window. Sanji's mind instantly reached the correct conclusion.

"Moonwalk, _damn it!"_ he cursed as he accelerated his pace.

It was a diabolical plan, ingenius in its simplicity: the bull probably thought that if he managed to leap outside and start Moonwalking all the way to the bridge, then he would be able to lose Sanji and leave him high and dry in the twisted dimension he was hiding in. And the worst part of it all was that he was _right;_ of the three leg-based techniques Cross had informed the crew of, Moonwalk was the one he'd dedicated the least amount of time to. Unless Sanji could stop Blueno from getting outside and away, then not only would he be left stranded for all eternity, but worse yet, he wouldn't make it in time to save Robin-chwan.

Gritting his teeth, Sanji leapt forward. "Collier Shoot!"

His aim was true, but he simply soared through…

 _CRACK!_

And slammed into the solid stone wall adjacent to the window before falling onto his back with a pained grimace. "Damn it, since when the hell are walls _that_ tough?!" Sanji bit out as he got back to his feet and rubbed his throbbing leg. He then turned to look at Blueno… who was looking in his direction with a smirk. He'd _felt_ that, but it was completely useless!

"AAAAAARGH!" the chef roared in frustration, turning back with every intention of venting his frustration on the impervious wall he'd impacted—

Before freezing an inch from the stonework, on account of a _very_ specific detail having caught his eye.

Sanji leaned in for a closer look…

And then adopted a truly devilish grin.

"Cross is right," he chuckled. "Applied bullshit _is_ our area of expertise."

 **-o-**

Blueno directed a smug smirk at where the rush of wind he assumed to be the pirate cook had most likely ended up; it had been a slight detriment to the Door-Door Fruit's usefulness in assassinations to learn that even superhuman force on that side was only capable of creating a breeze against any organic matter, but for once, that was working in his favor.

He maintained his smirk as he turned back towards the window and tensed his legs, preparing to leave his annoyance behind—

 _THWACK!_

—and promptly had his concentration shattered by a hard impact to the back of his head. The attack itself didn't seriously hurt him in spite of the lack of Iron Body, but it still triggered a flinch of pain. Blueno stood, his head on a swivel as he looked back and forth in confusion. "What on _earth—!?"_ The assassin cut his own question off when he located the answer.

Leaning down, he picked up the slightly bloodied rock that had hit him, looking it over in confusion. "What the…?"

 _CRACK!_

Blueno's head snapped around to the window that was to be his point of egress and gaped in shock at the impossible sight before him.

Namely, the sight of a chunk of stone that had been broken off from the window sill _floating_ in mid-air, wavering up and down as though someone were balancing it on… their…

' _I-It can't be…'_ Blueno thought numbly, his mind _refusing_ to accept the sight before him. ' _I-I've tried affecting inorganic matter in that dimension countless times in the past, all of us have! O-Only Lucci, Kaku, and Jabra made any progress, because it requires_ ten times _the normal amount of force to do anything in order to affect this side from that one! That's just not—!'_

 _THWACK!_

Blueno was forced to cut his internal rant short when the chunk of stone suddenly whipped forward and forced him to dodge. The stone harmlessly smashed against the wall behind him, but he still stared at its fragments in horror.

Then, without even a moment's pause, the assassin blurred towards the window. ' _Need to get out,'_ he thought in a panic as his composure shattered. ' _Need to get away, need to get away fast before—!'_

Blueno had barely even taken a step when he found another chunk of stone speeding towards his face.

' _Iron Body: Strength!'_ he thought desperately as he initiated the technique. For a moment, he felt what he always felt when he used his ultimate variation on Iron Body: he felt relief. He felt reassured, he felt _safe_. He felt _invincible._

Then a chunk of stone barely bigger than his fist caved his face in, swiftly followed by his body smashing into and _through_ the wall behind him.

Blueno lay stunned for a moment, spitting and groaning miserably as his mind processed _what the hell_ had just happened. His ultimate Iron Body was broken, he himself punted through a wall, and his entire body in nothing short of a legitimate assload of pain.

' _T-The stone…'_ he thought numbly as he forced his body to stand. ' _I-Instead of throwing it, h-he used the stone to transfer his k-kick across the d-dimensional barrier…'_

And getting back up, what he saw next made whatever blood was left in his face evacuate it.

Half a dozen fist-sized stones moved around in thin air, juggled by an unseen pair of feet. As Blueno took in the sight, he voiced his thoughts in a tone filled with nothing short of utter horror.

"What the hell kind of monsters are you people?"

At that point, stones started shooting towards him like cannonballs, and he did the only thing he could.

He turned tail and _ran._

 **-o-**

Kalifa reclined in the straight-backed chair she'd positioned in the center of her room, reading a good book that she had borrowed from Kaku. She gave no indication that she was paying attention to any of her surroundings. At least, not until she suddenly snapped up her arm, which was clad in a black opera glove, causing a metal orb attached to a long pole to bounce off with an audible clang. In spite of her sudden movement and the impact striking her arm, however, she didn't look away from her book. A moment later, the smell of ozone reached her nostrils.

"I'm afraid that won't do you any good," Kalifa said casually. "These gloves I'm wearing are well-insulated, as are my boots. I'm not so foolish as to fall for the same ploy twice in a row, I'll have you know."

"Tsk," came the disembodied huff of the Straw Hats' navigator. "I wouldn't be too sure of that; the only insulator that can't be overcome with a strong enough charge is my captain, and that's only because his skull is as thick as iron plating."

"I believe that," Kalifa drawled, before shifting slightly in her chair. "But I daresay that the same can't be said for you." She suddenly twisted about in her seat, lashing out her leg in an impressive display of acrobatics. "TEMPEST KICK!"

Nami swiftly threw herself backwards in response, rolling out from under the pocket of reflective air she'd erected and popping up into a ready stance as she glared cold fronts at her opponent. "Missed me," she taunted in a somewhat forced catty tone.

"Hmph. Indeed…" Kalifa mused as she marked her page and set her book aside before standing up, primly adjusting her glasses in the process. "I suppose I'll just have to try harder, then, won't I?"

The assassin blurred from sight without any warning, causing Nami to jerk in shock at the lack of verbal warning for the technique. Then, without conscious decision, Nami's fingers flew over the controls of her Clima-Tact and iron cloud surged from the butt of her staff, forming a wall behind her just in time to halt Kalifa's index finger, causing the assassin to leap back, scowling as she clutched her slightly bent digit.

No words were shared between the opponents. Nami merely spun around and swung her Clima-Tact out, crackling with electricity.

"Paper Art," her opponent whispered, bending a full ninety degrees at the waist to go under the swing, before bending even further onto her hands and kicking her feet off the ground.

"Tempest Kick: Doble!" she called out, her legs lashing out a double-sized helping of the razor-sharp wind. As the assassin completed the flip and landed back on her feet, she was disappointed to see the attack break against the wall of iron cloud like a wave over a rock.

There was no time for anger, though, as a crackle of light drew her attention up and to the black cloud above her head crackling with electricity, as well as the fact that Nami had her staff raised high.

"LIGHTNING TEMPO!" she cried out, and swung the staff down.

"Shave!" Kalifa cried out, zipping away from the almost-formed lightning bolt.

The two fighters eyed each other warily as the assassin came out of her Shave, the lightning burning a hole the increasingly abused floor.

After a moment, Kalifa blurred into another wordless Shave, Nami swinging her clouds around behind her again. As expected, this left them in perfect position to intercept a… normal kick? The navigator blinked in surprise, then in panic as her opponent used the clouds to launch a Shave _up-and-over_ , before her clouds could react appropriately, be it consciously or otherwise.

"Tempest Kick!" Kalifa announced with a smirk, and Nami was forced to dive to the side and roll, and even then the razor wind nicked her side. She then shoved her staff up as Kalifa pounced, lashing out with a full spread of side kicks. Heeled shoes met the metal staff, a Finger Pistol was avoided by the slimmest of margins, and then a knee strike was stopped with her staff.

"Moonwalk," Kalifa intoned, the leg locked in the knee strike pushing off the air, allowing her other leg to slam into Nami's side and send her tumbling.

"A valiant attempt," the assassin gloated as she casually strolled over to where Nami was clutching her side and wheezing. "That cloud defense was formidable. But without it, you don't have _anythi—!"_

 _THWACK!_

Suddenly, the staff became a blur of blue and she felt one of the metal balls bounce off her forehead before she could re-establish the Iron Body she'd let slip, triggering a reflexive Shave backwards. She fingered the nascent goose egg with a pained hiss before freezing as a grim chuckle hit her ears, and she snapped a scathing glare at where the navigator was starting to work her way to her feet.

"Y-You think _that_ hurt?" Nami smirked, her expression the height of smugness in spite of the hand clutching the spot where Kalifa had hit her. "Please, I've run into _sharks_ that hit harder than you."

Kalifa scowled darkly, but before she could respond—

 _KEE-RASH!_

—both she and Nami jumped in shock and looked downwards in confusion when the Tower of Justice was suddenly rocked by a massive impact.

"What the hell was that? An earthquake?" Nami demanded.

"Enies Lobby doesn't _get_ earthquakes," Kalifa responded sourly, though with no less curiosity.

" _SERIOUSLY!?"_

They received the answer to their question a moment later, as Cross' furious voice filled the air.

" _Alright, who laughed at the giraffe!?"_ Cross demanded. " _Who the hell is responsible for making me utter the phrase 'Who laughed at the giraffe' in complete and utter seriousness_ and _context!?"_

" _Sorry, sorry, that was my bad!"_ Boss promptly apologized. " _Zoro and Kaku almost landed on top of me while I was checking out this garden room of theirs and, well…"_ He trailed off into helpless snickers. " _I got one look at the guy's face and… w-when he started talking about the 'destructive powers of giraffes', I-I just couldn't stop myself! I, ah, skedaddled soon after, though, don't worry, I won't get in Zoro's way."_

" _Well, now he's gone and cut the whole frickin' Tower of Justice in half, and I'm in the_ loose _half! I hope you're proud of yourself."_

"… _little bit, honestly, yeah. For you see—!"_

" _I don't give a shit if it's a Man's Romance or a Manatee's, I'm still freaking pissed! I hope you're happy with whatever the hell it is that you managed to grab, because you're going to get the hell up here right now!_ GOT IT!?"

" _Yeah, yeah, I got it. Damn slave-drivin' sonnuva…"_

"What does it say about my sanity that I'm not even remotely fazed by any of this?" Nami groaned miserably.

"You…"

Nami blinked and glanced at Kalifa in confusion. "Eh? Did you just say—?"

 _SNICK!_

Her question died in her throat when an _impossibly_ fast blade of wind passed mere millimeters from her face, liberating a few stray strands of hair and a trail of blood.

"You damn _pirates…"_ Kalifa hissed as she slammed her raised leg back to the ground, her eye twitching furiously. "Do you not understand what kind of a situation this is? Do you not comprehend the sheer _implications?!_ This is life and death, the harshest kind of conflict in existence, and yet you are making _light_ of it! How dare you be so blasé, how _dare_ you mock my profession, my _life!?"_

Nami recoiled slightly at the uncharacteristic rage the assassin was exhibiting, her mind fumbling to come up with a response. "I-I don't know what to tell you…" she hedged. "We're not mocking you or anything, we're not joking around. This is just…" She spread her arms helplessly. "This is just how we are."

Going by how something seemed to _snap_ behind Kalifa's eyes, that was _not_ the right response.

"BUBBLE MASTER!" she shouted, sliding her hands down her arms and flushing out a flood of suds that surged and gushed around her and filled her half of the room. The mass of bubbles roiled wildly, shapes similar to ram horns bucking and rearing throughout the froth. "SOAP SHEPHERD!"

Nami swallowed heavily as she took a hesitant step backwards. However, even as she started spinning up her staff and pumping up her Eisen Cloud behind her to match the most threatening bubbles she'd ever seen in her life, a thought came unbidden to her mind. ' _What was it that Su said Cross said back on Skypiea? Anger leads to distraction, and distraction leads to…'_ Nami hesitated slightly before adopting a somewhat mad grin. ' _Oh, what the hell, she's already ticked, might as well see how far I can take it!'_

"Maybe Conis misinformed me," Nami called out in a taunting tone. "But I thought you said that you'd sooner kiss Cross than take his advice? Because from my point of view…" Nami kicked her grin up a few molars, her Eisen Cloud looming around her. "You're looking _really_ bubbly right now."

If Nami's comment about the way they were had made Kalifa snap, that taunt made her straight-up _shatter._

" _BUBBLE MASTER: SOAP STAMPEDE!"_ Kalifa roared as she shoved her arms forwards and sent her bubbles charging ahead, roiling over and over one another.

" _EISEN TEMPO!"_ Nami bellowed back, swinging her staff down and letting the iron clouds behind her cascade out to meet the soapy charge head-on.

The two primal forces of white smashed together in the middle of the room, and the fight kicked itself right into high gear.

 **-o-**

"You sure you'll be alright, Cross?" Usopp asked in equal parts nervousness and concern as we stood before a notably ornate door.

"Don't worry about me, Usopp," I said dismissively without taking my eyes off the door. "If worst comes to worst, Lassoo, Soundbite, and my armor should be enough to fend off anyone weaker than CP9, and none of _them_ are standing guard here!" I then paused and glanced over at Soundbite. "They aren't, right?"

" **Nope,"** Soundbite shook his head confidently. " _The trio of the—!"_

"If you say anything about hoods, nooses, or crosses, I will slap the insensitive out of you," I promised solemnly.

The snail bit his tongue with a reluctant grimace. " _ **Anyway… they're all where**_ **THEY SHOULD BE.** CHOPPER STARTED FIGHTING _the big-mouth awhile back,_ _ **THEY'RE ABOUT NECK-AND-NECK!"**_ He adopted an impressed look. " **The pipsqueak might not DOWN RUMBLE BALLS OFTEN,** _but when he does, DAMN."_

Usopp hesitated for a few more seconds before nodding. "Well… alright, if you say so. Good luck, guys."

"Like I don't already have all of it," I chuckled back.

With a final shaky grin, Usopp vanished. Squinting, I was able to keep track of him for a second as he sped up the stairs before he was out of sight. Geeze, I'd known he could probably learn how to Shave, but to master it this fast? Well… then again, I _was_ only half-joking back when I was recommending who learn what _._

Shaking those thoughts off, I looked back at the massive double doors leading to Spandam's office. "Soundbite, am I clear?" I asked quietly.

" **I don't** _hear ANYONE,"_ the snail replied.

I nodded firmly, pushed open one of the doors—

"…Soundbite?"

" _ **Yeah?"**_

"I hate you."

" **I'M STARTING TO** _**agree with YOU."**_

"Quiet, pirate scum!"

And found myself staring down the barrel of a flintlock pistol held by a Government agent.

I tilted my head to the side so as to better shoot a dumbfounded look at my assailant. "How even—?" I requested. "I'm honestly curious here, he has a _Devil Fruit!_ That shouldn't even be possible!"

The suit-clad agent smirked menacingly at me. "We agents of the World Government aren't like your average Marines, pirate. We're highly trained in all manners of skill, stealth included. You'd be surprised at just how quiet somebody can be when they put their mind to it. Now, then…" He drew out his other hand and spun a pair of handcuffs around his finger. "You're under arrest."

I swallowed heavily as I slowly slid my foot back, furiously trying to figure out how the _hell_ I was going to get out of _this_ mess.

" _I knew we should have taken that left turn on the tenth floor, but_ YU _said to go left."_

The Agent and I snapped our attentions—and weapon, in the Agent's case—to Soundbite, who'd spoken up in a very… familiar…

Soundbite angled his eyestalk in such a way so as to subtly wink at me.

Oh, that crazy mucus-covered son of a bitch, this could actually _work._

"Are you kidding!?" I spluttered indignantly, drawing the Agent's gun back in my direction. "That is a complete and utter lie! You told me that this was the safest route to go!"

" _NO I DIDN'T, YU DID!"_ Another shift, with the Agent starting to look confused.

"What!?" I angled myself slightly so that I could get a better look at the snail. "I didn't say that, it was you!"

" **RIGHT!"** I jerked my shoulder holding Soundbite forward, emphasizing his own bark. " _ **YU SAID TO GO RIGHT!"**_

"I just said it wasn't me!" I slid my foot forwards.

" **AND I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS YOU!** I SAID IT WAS _YU!"_

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SE—!"

I abruptly cut myself off as I jerked across the last of the distance separating me from the agent, jerked my Taser Baton from my pocket and slammed it into the Agent's gut, laying him out with a single _ZAP!_

For a moment, I just stared at his unconscious form in awe. "…We just managed to weaponize Abbott and Costello," I breathed numbly.

" _ **WE'RE AWESOME!"**_ Soundbite whooped.

"Who're Abbott and Costello?" Lassoo spoke up.

I froze for a moment before rolling my eyes and starting to scan around. "Right, that tears it. Soundbite, while I search this place for something useful, do the world a favor and broadcast the _Who's On First_ sketch. It's a crime that they've never had the chance to hear such classic genius."

" _With pleasure!"_ the snail cheered. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, _**we present an intermission in the STRAW HAT PIRATES'**_ _invasion of ENIES LOBBY_ **for the first ever SBS COMEDY CORNER!"**

Snickering as I imagined how many people all over the world would be rolling on the ground laughing, I moved past the insensate Agent—though I took the time to lock his own handcuffs on him and kick the gun to the other side of the hall—and into the office proper. It looked vaguely familiar (how could it not?), half-gaudy and half-utilitarian… and half-gone, thanks to my earlier efforts with the mortar cannons.

"Alright," I mused under my breath as I wrung my hands together. "Let's get started."

 **-o-**

' _I will not laugh,'_ Buggy repeated in his mind. ' _I will not laugh. No matter how flashy or how humorous, I refuse on my pride as a pirate to let that crew,_ any _member of that crew, bring me to laughter!'_

And yet, the fact that several of his own men were already cracking up, along with the straight-up hilarity of the broadcast's opening, was swiftly eroding his endurance.

" _What's the fella's name on third base?"_

" _What'_ s _the fella's name on second base!"_

"I won't."

" _I'm not askin' ya who's on second!"_

" _Who's on first!"_

"I can't…"

" _I don't know!"_

" _ **Third base!"**_

"I can't," Buggy snorted. "I can't… _hold it in_ … BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

 **-o-**

" _The left fielder's name?"_

" _Why."_

"… _I don't know. I just thought I'd ask ya!"_

" _Well, I just thought I'd tell ya!"_

"How did we never hear such an incredible baseball joke?" Miss Merry Christmas cackled.

"Haaaaahaaaaahaaaaa…" Mister 4 started rocking back and forth in his seat as he clapped his hands and laughed.

Paula shot a dubious glance at him. "You actually _understand_ their jokes?"

"Yeeeessss!" Mister 4 nodded as tears started to slide from the corners of his eyes. "'Whhhoooooo' iiiiissss oooooon fiiiiiirst! Hiiiiiilaaaaaaariiiiiiiooooouuuuussss!"

Paula and Christmas promptly exchanged flat looks.

"I'm not explaining second through centerfield," Christmas grunted.

"I'll second that."

 **-o-**

" _Tell me the pitcher's name!"_

" _Tomorrow!"_

" _What time?"_

" _What time what?"_

" _What time tomorrow are ya gonna tell me who's pitching?!"_

" _Now, hold on, Who is not pitching—"_

" _I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM IF YOU SAY 'WHO'S ON FIRST!'"_

"Yukeeheehee, yukeeheehee, yukeeheeheehee _heeeee!"_

The sadist in a child's body looked over the top of her book with a flatly cocked eyebrow, observing her sister's laughter slowly growing into a belly-jiggling guffaw. "Really, now?" she asked flatly. "You read _Vonnegut,_ and this is what you consider humorous."

"Yukeeheehee," Monet laughed around the hands she had clasped over her mouth, tears of laughter flowing ceaselessly. "H-He asked—! A-And he said—! _T-Tomorro-hohohoooooh I can't breathe!_ Heeheehee, heehee—EEK!"

Sugar's eyebrow raised up a bit when Monet suddenly overbalanced and tumbled out of her seat. And then her expression fell flat when her sister's laughter _intensified_ , if anything.

She returned her attention to her book with a weary sigh. "One of the greatest infiltrators of our generation, folks…" she muttered to herself.

 **-o-**

" _You throw the ball to first base!"_

" _And who gets it?!"_

" _Naturally!"_

"… _Who gets it?"_

" _Naturally."_

" _Naturally?"_

" _Naturally."_

" _OK… so I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it—"_

The volume of laughter on the back of the giant elephant suddenly crescendoed, the vast majority of the Mink tribe familiar with baseball due to outsiders' information, and subsequently seeing every bit of the humor in the current SBS.

"He throws the ball to Naturally—GORONYANYANYANYA!" Nekomamushi roared.

"I… I'm getting the plays on words, but… but what's baseball?" Carrot gasped through her giggles.

"A— _hahaha!—_ llow me to explain, Carrot," Inuarashi proposed around his own laughter. "F-Fair warning, this'll t-take a minute!"

 **-1 minute later-**

"And that's the game!" the large dog concluded with a firm nod.

"Wow, that sounds like fun!" the rabbit-mink nodded her head eagerly as she directed a grin at her superior. "Maybe we could all play together sometime!"

The laughter of the two Dukes of Zou suddenly stopped, thoughtful looks on their faces. After a moment of contemplation, wide, toothy grins spread across their faces.

"I think…" Inuarashi rumbled as he tossed a too-wide leer at his nocturnal counterpart. "That that is a _very_ good idea."

"As do I," Nekomamushi concurred, a glint in his eye.

Wanda's heart sank as she observed the way the rival rulers were eyeing one another, but she ultimately dismissed it and deferred to her dukes' superior judgement.

In the following weeks, that day would be marked as the day that the Ruler's Aide known as Wanda vowed that by hook or by crook, she would have her revenge on Jeremiah Cross.

 **-o-**

" _Why? I don't know! He's on third… and I don't give a darn!"_

" _What was that?"_

" _I said I don't give a darn!"_

" _Ohhh, he's our shortstop!"_

" **And that's the gag!"** Soundbite concluded with a smirk.

"HWEE-HWEE-HWEE-HWEE-HWEE!" Lassoo guffawed on my back. "Man, that's nothing short of comedy gold!"

"Yep," I muttered acridly as I finished patting down the bottom of yet another shelf and slammed it shut. "Pure genius, _right_ there, damn it all…"

I would have been in a better mood had things been going my way—no matter how many times I heard that sketch, it never stopped being funny—but the fact was that I was a _little_ grumpy at the moment considering that the last eight minutes of combing every part of the office, _starting_ with the desk, had yielded nothing but a goose egg.

And a rotten one at that. Seriously, how the hell did you get an _egg_ stuck down—! Ergh, I didn't even want to know.

"Hwee-hwee—Eh?" Lassoo came down from his laughter and glanced curiously over my shoulder. "What the heck have you been looking for, anyway?"

"I don't know, something, anything?!" I threw my hands up in exasperation. "We're in the middle of the headquarters of the chief of CP9, who just so happens to have been all but _born_ a corrupt asshat. I was _sure_ that there would be something I could find in this office and broadcast that would, at worst, utterly ruin Spandam beyond what we already have, but at _best?"_ I grinned euphorically. "At _best,_ he'd have something that would make Dragon the Revolutionary feel like his birthday came early!"

"And ya think that what we've done so far _hasn't_ done that? He's probably laughin' his head off," Lassoo mused.

"Meh," I waved my hand casually. "We've done good, yeah, and call me an overachiever if you must, but!" I snapped a finger up. "I just can't help the feeling that we can do _better."_

Lassoo then proved that a gun could, in fact, shrug if it was so inclined. "Well… I'm no expert, but my old masters _were_ assassins. Maybe ya need to put yerself in his shoes." He then grimaced in disgust. "Ugly as they may be…"

I considered that for a moment before nodding to myself, and heading back to the desk before sinking into Spandam's chair. "Alright, then… so, if I were a subhuman degenerate, where would I want to keep… my… huh?"

I slowly allowed a grin to spread over my face as I felt something shifting.

"Right where I see the rest of the world, situated…" I breathed as I got out of the seat and crouched down, poking at the loose stonework below. "Right beneath my feet." I shot a smirk over my shoulder. "Lassoo? Remind me to buy you a week's worth of steak when we get back to Water 7."

"Praise be to Doggy Jesus!"

I raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "There's a doggy Jesus?"

"…well, I _assume."_

I rolled my eyes before returning my attention to the flagstone. "Alright, let's see… shouldn't be too hard to open this… maybe something he'd press with his heel—?" I pressed down on the south side of the stone, causing the tile to tilt upwards and give me enough room to grab it and lift it out, following which I was met with the sight of…

My grin widened as I observed the triple-dials of the floor-vault below me. "Oh, if this isn't something incriminating, I'm going to be pi~ssed…"

"Ya know the important dates in his life?" Lassoo asked.

"Better." I took Soundbite off of my shoulder and placing him on the vault's door. "I know the phrase 'Gastro-Blast.'"

"OPEN **SAYS-A** _ **-ME!"**_

A cacophony of shattering metal rang out and I managed to wrench the metal door clean out of its holding.

"Who needs intel when you have an appropriately heavy fist, huh?" Lassoo snickered.

"Damn straight," I nodded as I returned Soundbite to my shoulder. "Now, let's see what we have here…" I fished around in the safe for a moment, but it ultimately proved to be a needless gesture. After all, the safe only contained one object.

I looked over the yearbook-sized black leather binder I was holding with and let out a low whistle. "Oh, _pleeease_ be something good, I'm begging you…" I muttered as I laid the binder on the desk and loomed over it. "Alrighty, then, let's see what we've got."

I inched my fingers beneath the cover—

"CROSS, DOWN!"

Before hastily slamming myself onto the desk in reaction to Boss roaring out of nowhere. The next second, I felt the wind of what could only be Boss's rope-dart shooting over me _followed by it smashing into something_ BEHIND ME?!

I grabbed the binder and dove over the desk, putting as much distance between myself and my attacker before spinning around to catch sight of them.

Suffice to say they were the absolute _last_ person I expected to see.

"What the actual—!?" I sputtered incredulously. "Jabra I kind of get, but how in the insane Blue hell are _you_ still standing?!"

"Chapapa _pa~_ …" Fukuro chuckled darkly in spite of how he was waving out a visibly distorted finger. "I guess you don't know as much as you think. Well, there's no harm in telling you at this point: We CP9 agents tend to measure the strength of our agents through the usage of what we call 'power levels'. At least one agent per generation is required to know the technique to calculate power levels, which involves the other agents striking the calculator with a significant amount of force. As such… I've been trained so that no matter how powerful a hit is, I can take at least one without too much damage."

He rubbed his jaw with a scowl. "Still, though, your captain _was_ pretty tough, so I Shaved backwards at the last moment, to roll with the punch. It hurt like hell and dazed me for a bit, but I still managed to get back up, chapapa."

"I see, that makes sense. Just one more thing, then," I nodded in a faux-casual manner before jabbing my finger at my shoulder with a scowl. "How the hell did you circumvent Soundbite's senses?"

"Chapapa… As you said earlier, I am the gossip-loving Silent Owl," Fukuro grinned tauntingly. "We of CP9 are all naturally trained for stealth. I just happen to be more skilled than most."

" _I'm starting_ _ **to feel**_ **rather** _ **IMPOTENT…"**_ Soundbite moaned softly.

"Don't worry, it happens to the best of us," Boss said dismissively, his attention never swaying from the rotund opponent before us. "Anyways, if'n you boys don't mind, _I'll_ take on this owly doughboy, you all get back to whatever it was you were doing. Sound good?"

"I'm content with that particular arrangement," I nodded swiftly.

"Go right ahead," Lassoo concurred.

" **BATTER** _ **up!"**_ Soundbite concluded.

"Feh," Fukuro spat to the side, scowling. "Please. Your tenacity has been impressive so far, chapapa, but the fact is that I'm a master of the Six Powers, and that _you_ are only a martial artist. These is no style in existence that can match it!"

"Counterexample: the wolf Zoan currently out cold after fighting our captain," Boss deadpanned.

"Allow me to rephrase, then," Fukuro snarled. " _Your_ style can't match it!" And with that, he suddenly shot towards us, spinning furiously. "SHAVE, IRON BALL!"

I took a fearful step back, but Boss didn't hesitate to waddle forwards, his head bowed solemnly.

"Yeah, you're right…" he said softly even as his opponent approached. "I've spent years finalizing my mastery over the Half-Shell Style, and I don't doubt that your Six Powers could crush it in a second. Which means that my only option left…"

He promptly snapped his arms up and crossed them before his face with a determined look.

"Is to kick it up a notch!"

 _SLAM!_

Fukuro's spinning form struck Boss, but the technique that had sent a body that was literally half-iron flying uncontrollably failed to make the much smaller and much fleshier Dugong move more than _half_ a meter, if that.

As soon as his spin started to fail, Fukuro kicked away from Boss and flipped back across the room, where he stared at the dugong in disbelief. "T-That's impossible…" the assassin gaped in shock. "T-That was _Iron Body!"_

"Close," the dugong intoned firmly as he broke his stance, fists still raised and at ready. "My personal variation for the working dugong's body: Full-Shell Style: _Shell Body."_

"What the hell?" I gaped. "I never saw you practicing any of the Six Powers even _once_ over the past few weeks!"

Fukuro spared me a look of equal parts horror and anger while Boss rolled his eyes. "That doesn't mean I wasn't practicing in my spare time. Plus, some offense Cross, but in this instance your descriptions were utter _shit._ I didn't make a lot of progress until about, oooh, ten minutes ago? When I found _this."_ The dugong whipped a rather ornate scroll from his shell and waved it around. "In the garden-room a few floors below. Quite a few notes on it too, _very_ useful. Whoever was using it to review was impressively studious."

Fukuro's eye twitched vehemently. "And Jabra has the gall to call _me_ an idiot, chapapa!" His scowl then deepened and started twitching. "But that still doesn't make any sense! We've spent literally our entire lives learning the Six Powers and improving our mastery over them! The only ones who have ever been able to pick up the techniques that fast are Marines ranked at least Vice Admiral, and they _cheat_ to learn even half of it!"

"Honestly?" Boss allowed a slight smirk to tug at his lips. "All I took away from _that_ little rant is that your old masters deserve nothing short of the utmost pity for having such utterly hopeless students."

"…Alright, that's it. Now I'm angry! _SHAVE!"_ Fukuro screeched before vanishing into a blur.

"Rip Current," Boss stated flatly as he slapped his flipper on the ground before vanishing in an identical manner. The twin blurs clashed in midair, fist against flipper, following which Fukuro attempted to spin away back to the ground—

"YEOWCH!"

Only to discover that Boss' Thermal Dart was latched onto his uniform, which meant that he ended up on the ground wrapped up in a rope coat. A searing hot rope coat.

"Now, then, let's see how strong your resistance really is. Half-Shell Style…"

Boss yanked on the rope, drawing Fukuro back into the air and into Boss's range. The dugong shot at him, and his fist slammed into the agent to send him crashing back into the ground, a crater forming. Then Boss spun around, reeling Fukuro back up like a yo-yo and slamming his flipper into him, following which he flipped his opponent above him and used him as a springboard to shoot him up into the air while he himself leapt back down to the ground. Once there, Boss yanked on his rope-dart, bringing Fukuro straight down…

 _CRACK!_

And onto Boss' outstretched fist.

"Barracuda Barrage!"

Taking in the undeniably epic sight, I fought with myself for a moment before sighing. "Don't expect me to say this again without a damn good reason, but… GO, BOSS, GO!" I cheered.

Boss shot a grin my way before spinning on his tail, swinging Fukuro around like a hammer throw before jerking his rope and uncoiling his weapon, sending the assassin flying out the hole in the wall and out of sight. "Much obliged, Cross, but I've got every doubt that that was enough to finish him. I'll meet up with you again when he's knocked out for real."

With that, he leapt straight up into the air—

"Tidal Swim!"

—and practically kicked himself off the air, shooting out the open wall, and then redirecting himself to shoot downwards and out of sight.

" _MONSTER QUARTET_ _ **confirmed?"**_ Soundbite whistled in awe.

"Eh, we'll see," I wavered my hand uncertainly. "I doubt that knowing the Six Powers will make that much of a difference against the original trio, not when they're learning it themselves. For now, though…" I held up the binder as I was carrying. "Let's see what muck we've managed to dig up, aye?"

" **AYE-** _ **aye!"**_ the snail concurred.

"We about to make Spandam's life miserable?" Lassoo growled eagerly as I returned to the desk and tossed the binder onto it.

"His and that of every last one of the World Government's higher-ups." I wrung my hands together eagerly. "Now, once again, o world… let's see what we've got."

And so, without further ado, I flipped the cover open, scanned the first page…

And had to actively fight to keep myself from cackling.

"Ooooh, yeah, this'll do nicely," I crooned. "Ladies and gentlemen of the world, what I have discovered and am about to publicize…"

 **-o-**

" _Is nothing less than Cipher Pol No. 9's very own_ operational blackbook."

"OF COURSE! WHY WOULD IT BE ANYTHING ELSE?! _WHY_ WOULD I EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE?!"

"Sir, your blood pressure!"

"DAMN MY BLOOD PRESSURE!" Admiral of the Fleets Sengoku roared to the medical aide trailing after him as he marched down one of Marineford's many docks. "THAT INCOMPETENT MORON THAT WE MADE THE _EARTHSHAKING_ MISTAKE OF PUTTING IN CHARGE OF CP9 JUST HANDED THAT LOUD-MOUTHED HELLSPAWN THE VOCAL EQUIVALENT OF A GOLDEN TRANSPONDER SNAIL, AND HE IS ABOUT TO _PUBLICIZE IT TO THE WORLD! HOW THE HELL DOES A BLACKBOOK EXIST FOR CP9 IN THE FIRST PLACE!?"_

Sengoku wasn't the only one wondering this, as evidenced by the snail the aide was carrying speaking up in a certain canine-cannon's voice. " _A blackbook!? But that's impossible! From everything that we've seen, Cipher Pol No. 9 is a black ops unit! That means that there are no traces of their existence for the sake of plausible deniability! Any reports should have been summarily destroyed once they were confirmed!"_

" _Yes, Lassoo, but you're forgetting one_ very _important detail,"_ Cross grinned excitedly. " _Spandam is the textbook definition of what is known as a malignant narcissist, and CP9 is the source of his ego. He considers their achievements to be his achievements and he revels in them, but because of how fragile his ego actually_ is, _he needs constant self-reassurance to keep believing in his high and mighty attitude. That's where these—_ " There was the sound of a finger tapping paper. " _Come in. These are Spandam's_ trophies. _Proof of every last operation that he's ever pulled off for the World Government, every last victory meant to pump himself up… and most importantly, in this instance?"_

Cross's smile became demonic. "Insurance _that if Spandam makes it off of this island alive, he's going to wish beyond all shadows of all hopes that we had killed him… which, naturally, means that we're going to have to refrain from doing so. To every last Marine, Government worker, and Revolutionary on the face of the planet!"_ the pirate suddenly barked eagerly. " _I suggest that you all buckle up. You're about to get_ busy."

"Right, that does it!" Sengoku barked as he accelerated his pace and started marching up the nearest gangplank he could find. "Forget the timeline! Spandam's a dead man no matter what he does, the fleet mobilizes _NOW!"_

"B-B-B-But, sir, you should be resting— _GYERK!_ "

The doctor's insistence was cut off by Sengoku spinning on his heel and slamming the pole of the IV drip he was carrying into the wood.

"You seem to have failed to take something into account during your diagnosis, Doctor," the enlightened human growled acridly. "I am no mere human being. _I am Sengoku,_ Fleet Admiral of the World Government's Marine Corps. I might be older than Whitebeard by five years, but the fact remains that it will take far more than one measly heart attack caused by one measly _pirate_ to incapacitate _me_ and keep me from _popping his head from his scrawny neck_." He leaned in and snarled in the medical officer's face. "Do. I. Make. Myself. _Clear?"_

The doctor had to fight _very_ hard to keep himself under control as he shook his head with a slight whimper. "J-Just promise that you'll k-keep your cannula in place? P-Please?"

Sengoku grimaced as he thumbed the plastic tube leading below his nose before nodding. "Fine. Now, then." He turned around and addressed the nearest Captain. "Before we leave, I want a status update: what's Aokiji's progre—?"

A massive glacier suddenly formed on one side of Marineford. Then, just as suddenly, it shattered to pieces.

"…Never mind," he grunted before striding onto the deck. "Tell him to catch up to us once he's finished. For now, though?"

Sengoku took his next step as a golden _titan._

" **SET SAIL FOR ENIES LOBBY!"**

 **-o-**

"Now, then, let's state at the beginning…" I started to drag my finger across the page as I read it. "Entry one—eh? Wait a second…" I paused in confusion. "This first one is labeled Cipher Pol Number… 5… _ohh,_ of course, it's the one that started it all. People of the world, what I have before me is nothing short of proof positive of the fact that the World Government has, in the past, framed and _executed_ an innocent man for crimes he did not commit in order to propagate their own goals. Allow me to read it verbatim!"

I cleared my throat as I picked the book up and started pacing. "This report details the series of events that took place during Operation Parole Board eight years ago on the island of Water 7. And I quote, ' _Tom the shipwright feigned ignorance and refused to relinquish Pluton blueprints. Blackmail attempt for building Oro Jackson failed, as it was already known. Acquittal planned for building a sea-train. Solution: Covertly commandeer the battleships built by Tom's apprentice, Cutty Flam, and use them to destroy the Judicial Ship, and frame Tom for it. Final Result: Partial success; Tom arrested, blueprints not found on person. Pending interrogation on blueprints location in Impel Down. Promotion pending: position highly classified.'"_

I shook my head with a dismal tsk. "Well, there you have it, folks. Not only did the World Government countermand their own edict concerning the acquisition and usage of the Ancient Weapons, an edict they _burned_ Ohara for, no less, but they even went so far as to attack a vessel directly under their employ to do so. I ask you: if this is how far they're willing to go against their own people… how much farther might they go against others?"

I promptly grinned eagerly as I started flipping ahead. "Let's find out!"

 **-o-**

" _Oh, now this one sounds like fun! Operation Market Failure! Now, let's see. First, there's a list of countries here…"_

If Baltigo had been active a few minutes ago, it was positively abuzz now as every last Revolutionary on base noted down every last word that fell from Cross' mouth. Dragon himself was mentally checking off the names of the countries, his sense of dread mounting with every name he accurately predicted.

"Sir," Sabo cast an uneasy look at his superior. "These nations… aren't these the members of the Vantruskan Coalition? Before—?"

"I always thought that the misfortune that occurred all those years ago seemed too spontaneous," Dragon bit out grimly. "It would seem my fears were vindicated."

" _Alright, now onto the good stuff:_ 'The aforementioned countries were involved in a suspicious trading coalition. CP9 sent undercover to investigate. Several traders interrogated and killed. After six months of thorough research, the investigation revealed that the goings-on were fully innocuous. Solution: Due to being too deep into the operation already, CP9 utilized the worst-case scenario. Frame-ups among every country involved towards specific other members, and remaining underlying liquid assets seized by CP9 for Government usage. Result: Success; ongoing war among the involved nations, and all seized assets added to the Celestial Dragons' tribute money.'" A pause. " _Well, I imagine that_ that's _going to piss a few people off. Oh, Dragon? I'd suggest clearing your lines, they're about to get very tied up."_

As if on cue, almost every snail in the room started ringing their transponders off of their shells.

Dragon promptly snapped a finger at Koala, prompting her to pause and glance over the stack of papers she was hauling. "Remind me, _where_ was the Vantruskan Coalition before it imploded?" she asked with clear dread.

"South end of South Blue," Hack provided as he passed behind her. "And by that," he dropped a _very_ heavy coat on her head. "I mean _South._ Dress warm."

Koala grimaced as she shoved her papers into the arms of one of her nearby comrades and started pulling the coat on. "I am… conflicted. This is a massive windfall for us, sure, but somehow, I don't think Cross would be that sorry if he knew he was sending me _to the South Pole."_

"Be happy now, kill him later?" Sabo suggested.

"I can live with that."

 **-o-**

"Hee-haw! I can only imagine how overjoyed Dragon must be at this sudden influx of information! Jeremiah Cross has just cemented a powerful ally!" Emporio Ivankov cackled, leading Newkama Land in cheering for him.

"You speak as if he hadn't already, my queen," Inazuma intoned calmly as he (at the moment) swirled his Chardonnay in its glass.

"Psh," Ivankov waved her (at the moment) hand dismissively. "Totally different! Before, Jerry-Boy only had Dragon's _attention._ Now? Now he will deem him a comrade in Revolution, even moreso than he already was before! And he's still going on!"

" _Alright, what's next? Operation Entropy, eh? Oh, this should be good…"_

Ivankov hastily waved a hand to quiet down the cheers.

" _Alright, here we go:_ 'Upon discovery that the Oro Jackson was constructed of wood from the Jewel Tree Adam, we determined to ensure that no ship would ever be built of such wood again. Investigation on the island where the tree grows revealed that wood was shipped out in the midst of a ceasefire between the nations Shule and Cohor. Warring nations at the time of investigation: Jared and Akish, looked to be winding down from war. Solution: Spark hostility once more, and ensure that if the war does die down, we are in an ideal position to reignite the flames. Result: Partial success; the two nations war without end in sight, genocide more likely than peace, but only 95% of registered Adam Wood shipments are intercepted before reaching their destination.' _Huh… you know, I'm honestly surprised that I never figured that out myself; wars for the tree are one thing, but for them to constantly flare up one right on top of the other? This just makes too much sense."_

Inazuma sniffed contemptuously. "Condemning so many lives simply on account of what could _possibly_ be done with that wood. Barbaric. Still, though…" He paused to take a sip of wine. "Now that the world is aware that the blockage in supply is not simply due to the war, perhaps someone will be able to intercept the interceptions?"

"Mmfufufu. And I'd bet anything that more than a few of those counter-interceptions will be from our dear comrades on the outside!" Ivankov chuckled before raising her glass high. "A toast! To our dear comrades managing to get a copious amount of impossibly hard wood in the near future!"

"KANPAI!" the citizens of Newkama Land toasted their ruler.

Ivankov made to drink, before pausing with a frown. "…Why do I feel like my boys and I are currently the butt of some big cosmic joke?" she muttered.

 **-o-**

I continued reading entries for the next several minutes, certain that Spandam's fate worse than death was sealed. Even so, there was one thing bothering me about what I was reading; every last one of them had been at least partially successful. It made sense, for Spandam's ego, but I was hoping that there would be at least one—

"Ah, finally! This one seems to have actually ended in failure. I wonder how that happened. Let's see…" I muttered under my breath as I scanned over the mission details. Then my eyes twitched. Both of them, one _right_ after the other.

"Are. You. KIDDING ME? This… This isn't corrupt, nor is it even tragic! This is just downright PATHETIC! I… I can't even read this one verbatim, folks, it's just… well, listen to this, Operation Star-Crossed. Apparently this was a special assignment for CP9, where the endgame _wasn't_ assassination. See, their goal was to force the alliance of two families of royalty for political and financial reasons by getting the scions to marry one another. They accomplished this by assassinating the scion's paramours—big surprise—and then infiltrating their lives so as to manipulate them into meeting one another. And it worked, too! The heirs of the Montfield and the Capoy families fell in love, got engaged, they even got legitimately hitched! Sounds hunky-dory, right? They were halfway through the reception!"

I slammed my head onto the wood desk, the groan of pain I let out more for the Luffy-grade stupidity I just read than any physical injury. "And then Fukuro, the tub of lard who also happened to be the groom's _best freaking man_ , got up before both families and, without a moment's hesitation, spilled the whole thing! Every. Last. _Detail_. After that, it was a _bloodbath_. There are… there are _no words_ , I should imagine. I mean… seriously, what's the point of his mouth being a zipper—it's a real zipper, by the by—if he's not going to bother to use it!? Honestly now, the man's mouth is practically a weapon of mass destruction!"

" **Like you have** _ **any room**_ _to talk?"_

"At least general chaos is my _endgoal_ , he just does it randomly, without warning and with no clear benefit."

"Still sounds familiar, hwee-hwee-hwee!"

"Oh, shut it," I grumbled, turning the page. "Alright, Spandam probably only kept that particular report because it wasn't even remotely his fault that the mission failed. And honestly, after that, I'm more inclined to hope that I _don't_ read any more fai—"

I cut myself off with a choking gasp as a very specific part of the entry caught my attention. My mind raced as I processed it before hastily flipping back through the pages, scanning the same section of each and every last one of the reports I could find.

What I discovered, and the implications therein, were not pleasant in the least.

 **-o-**

With each report that Jeremiah Cross read, the old woman's grip on her cane and the folder she was clutching intensified. Not even Roger had caused her this much raw negative emotion at one time. Then again, perhaps that was simply because he and Cross had opposing end goals: Roger had shone hope inward in order to illuminate a relatively dreary world, whereas Cross was shining his light of truth _outwards,_ exposing the darkness that lurked just out of sight.

How much she had already known. The Marines were far from ignorant about the state of things, _she_ was hardly ignorant. She'd thought the limits were justifiable, thought the ends justified the costs…

How much she had turned blind eyes to in the last decades. The corruption she refused to see.

She was old. She had fought her war. She had fully intended to get involved only in the event of something too big or too high-profile for the present Marines to deal with. She had trained up a new generation to fight the oncoming battles, to weather the storm. She had convinced herself that she was ready to retire, trusting in the future.

And now, she was robbed of that luxury by, as she had put it herself so very, _very_ long ago, 'one boy with a big mouth.'

For the umpteenth time since she had left Sengoku's office and boarded her warship, since she had entered her cabin, her thoughts turned to the folder she now held in her hand. She contemplated what it held, she contemplated the implications held within, the consequences of turning it over to Sengoku as she had planned to do later that very day.

"… _well, now."_

And then, of course, _Cross_ decided to open his mouth yet _again._

"Oh, what now?" Tsuru snapped, looking back at the snail with a look of exasperation; anything that could make Cross sound _solemn_ , of all things, when he had listed off so many disasters without faltering, could not be good, be it for her sanity or in general.

"… _Ugh. I'm sorry, viewers, I just… this was some of the most fun I've had since starting this broadcast. I mean, there's enough material here that the Revolutionaries are probably going to feel like their collective birthdays came early. But looking at this, noticing what I have, I'm just… I'm too disappointed to even enjoy it that much anymore."_

"Disappointed?" Tsuru repeated incredulously.

" _Let me explain exactly why I'm so upset right now. See, for all that I disparage the Marine Corps and everything that they tolerate, I do know that there are some in the Corps that aren't a disgrace to their mission. I've met them, I respect them, and I honestly believe that what I'm doing is right by exposing just what is_ wrong _with the people they work with. And one that I actually thought highly of is the leader of them all, Fleet Admiral Sengoku."_

Tsuru froze.

" _I mean, sure, I know that he's done some things that lots of us would be furious about, he's made a lot of choices like that. But, hey, I'm best friends with legitimate royalty here. I'm well aware, especially after the events in Alabasta, that that's the kind of responsibility that comes from being at the top. You have to make some tough choices, you have to look at the bigger picture, you…"_ Cross sighed morosely. " _You have to do… what you_ have _to do. If it comes down to it, you may even have to sacrifice some in order to save others. That's… That's life on the top. I may not have a lot of respect for the Corps as a whole, but I had a pretty high opinion of Sengoku. Despite some of the stuff he's done, I thought he was a good leader for the Corps, one that, at the end of the day, was the kind of Marine that lived the position of Fleet Admiral with the honor and respect that it deserved."_

Tsuru processed the words that fell from the pirate's lips, and ironically enough, they nearly made her rethink the past few hours, came close to convincing her to contact her superior—her _friend—_ and apologize. But there was one thing that stuck out more than anything else about what Cross was saying that prevented her from doing just that: the fact that he was speaking in the _past_ tense.

The rabble-rouser then let out another morose sigh, and proceeded to shatter what faith the Vice Admiral had left in her old friend.

" _And now, as I see his signature beneath every other one of these reports, as I see what I can only assume is his_ handwriting _approving bodycount after bodycount, atrocity after atrocity…_ _I'm left hoping beyond all hope that he never read them, and just signed off on them out of obligation. That he didn't_ have _a choice in this. That he didn't order even half of this. Because I really, really don't want to believe that he's capable of allowing even one of these Operations to occur in good conscience. Because to approve these missions… would indicate a complete and utter lack thereof."_

Tsuru remained stationary, her expression unreadable, for a full minute. Then her cane fell to the ground as she opened the folder, and took note of a single specific detail within. The moment she had it memorized, she waved her hand over the sheets and photographs that she had laboriously and carefully assembled over the last few weeks before allowing them to flutter to the ground, every wrinkle of an imprint and every stain of ink utterly washed away, leaving nothing but blank paper.

The next moment, she locked her office door and shut off the SBS. She thought for a minute, determining something, before dialing the number she had memorized. Two rings later…

" _Capricorn,"_ came a distorted voice, the identity of its speaker impossible to decipher.

"Aquarius," Tsuru enunciated clearly. "I imagine that that chain-smoking hooligan friend of yours Cancer and his rather admirable protégé Pisces are nearby as well?"

"… _Son of a_ bitch, _Cross can be a terrifying bastard sometimes, though at least Hina is somewhat relieved that she's going to learn just_ how _he does it…"_ Hina grimaced miserably. " _But_ damn it, _he is going to be insufferably smug on account of how we didn't even get a chance to do anything."_

Tsuru promptly felt a sweatdrop develop on the side of her head. "Ah… what exactly have I gotten myself into?"

The easily recognizable and sadistic grin that her Snail suddenly sported did _not_ set Tsuru at ease. At all. " _Straw Hat Pirate-grade insanity, Vice Admiral Tsuru,"_ Smoker chuckled in a tone that dripped with gallows humor. "That _is what you've gotten yourself into."_

"…bother."

 **-o-**

I remained silent for a second longer before shaking my head as I got my head back in the game. Disturbing as the implications were, I needed to focus. Because in the end… it was now or never.

'… _This is it,'_ I thought, my heart pounding almost out of my chest as I glanced back at the book. ' _This has to be it. It's the only chance I'm going to get. After all I've done, after how far I've pushed it… there's no way in hell I can go any further.'_ I swallowed heavily. ' _Here's hoping that it'll be enough.'_

I exchanged hesitant looks with Soundbite before he steeled his expression and nodded firmly. I then removed him from my shoulder and placed him on the desk. I stared at him for a moment before starting to pace again. "Viewers? I would like to take a brief… intermission, if you will, to make a statement of a personal nature. Or rather… not so much a statement as a question."

I sucked in a deep breath before forcing a manic grin to stretch on my face for effect, while at the same time struggling to keep the desperation out of my voice; out of all of those listening right now, there was only one who would comprehend the true meaning of my message.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the world… I hope I don't need to recount what I've done today. You've all heard it, and unless you have the memory of a goldfish with Alzheimer's, you all remember it. So, in light of that, I'd like to ask you all—and especially the one responsible for bringing me to this moment—a question."

I suddenly jerked at the desk and slammed my hands on either side of Soundbite, glaring him dead in the eyes. " _Are you not entertained?"_ I demanded.

And then… _silence._

Utter silence.

I waited for the longest minute of my life before Soundbite shook his head with a grimace and I allowed my head to hang, sighing despondently as I put my little gray buddy back on my shoulder. "Sorry about that, viewers, that was… that was something personal. Anyways, let's… just keep moving on, shall we?"

The double meaning of my words made Lassoo and Soundbite cringe, and while I started melancholically weighing just how much value I put in my… _current lifestyle_ , I turned the black book's page. "Alright, let's see, what's next on the menu… huh, ironic. Operation Famine. Smuggling ring here in Paradise, CP9 sent in to eviscerate them, the objective of their operation was—!"

My words died in my throat as I read the next words, followed swiftly by the rest of the report. My comrades remained frozen for what felt like the longest of times as we all processed what we were reading before I _slowly_ managed to turn my head to the side to look at Soundbite, who was staring at me with an equally poleaxed look.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I whispered numbly.

Soundbite slowly shook his head, eyes wide in disbelief. " **It's… It's** _ **insane.**_ **SO FAR OUT THERE,** _the chances of this actually WORKING—!"_

"Are you telling me that this is a _fucking coincidence!?"_ I hissed desperately. "That we find something like _this—"_ I slammed my finger on the entry. "Moments after we called them out, after we called their bluff!? Are you saying that this _isn't_ their M.O. to a _T!?"_

"It… It does fit, I guess…" Lassoo said hesitantly. "But Cross, if this doesn't work—!"

" _It has to, damn it!"_ I snarled. "It's all that we have _left!_ It's this, or… or…" I bit my lip in an effort to fight back the panic that was starting to pound within me, and _not_ the good kind.

"…Alright, fine, so be it…" the dog-cannon sighed wearily. "But… even if it _could_ work, the fact remains that we need 'it' in the first place." He jerked his head at the rest of the room. "Where the hell do you propose we look? You already searched this place from top to bottom, and it's not like we're made of time at the moment."

"Ah…" I found myself drawn up short as I looked over the ransacked office. "W-Well, I… I-I guess if we—!"

" _I'll find it."_

"Eh?" I blinked at Soundbite in confusion. "Are you sure? Do you want us to help or—?"

" _ **Shut up already,"**_ Soundbite snapped. "I'LL _find it,_ **end of discussion** _. JUST LET ME_ _ **CONCENTRATE."**_

I promptly locked my jaws shut as I watched Soundbite screw his eyes shut. The seconds ticked by, but it wasn't long before he opened his eyes again, a dull look in his gaze. " _ **To the right of the desk, seventh stone from the wall, where the sword normally stands."**_

I only gawked for a second before Soundbite snapped a glare to me, forcing me into motion so that I was following his instructions. Upon reaching the indicated stone, I made to grab Soundbite off my shoulder—

" _ **Don't,"**_ Soundbite warned me off. " _ **He's boobytrapped this one, it'll self-destruct if we force it. He didn't do it on the last one because he didn't want to risk destroying it by accident. Slide it into the surrounding stone instead."**_

I glanced at him in surprise before laying my palm on the stone and doing as he said, sliding it around enough for me to move it a bit and work my fingers in and push it out of the way, exposing yet another safe. This one, though, only had a single dial on it.

"…let me take a flying guess, 19-16-1-14-4-1-13?" I deadpanned as I started fiddling with the knob.

"Hang on, that spells… A, B, C…" Lassoo muttered under his breath.

I input the last number and turned the handle, clicking the door open.

" _ **Spandam,"**_ Soundbite deadpanned.

"God bless predictable bastards like him…" I whispered as I pulled the safe's door open.

Within was a single item, but it was all that I needed. I withdrew the contents, a small half-foot-cubed chest, with shaky hands and after a moment's hesitation, opened it to observe its sole content.

I… could do nothing more than stare at it, as did Soundbite and Lassoo.

"…so, that's it, huh?" Lassoo whispered reverentially.

"Yeah…" I nodded slowly before glancing at Soundbite. "This… This'll do it?"

" _ **I… ah…**_ **I-I don't…"** Soundbite hedged uncomfortably as he relaxed somewhat. " **I don't** _know. IT'S TOO HARD TO…_ **ALL I CAN SAY** _is that it's real._ _ **BEYOND THAT…"**_ He shrugged as much as he could. " _YOUR GUESS is as good as mine."_

I hesitated briefly before scowling and slamming the lid shut. "That's good _enough."_ I then stood up and snapped my fingers before rolling my index, which prompted Soundbite to produce an electronic whine. "Everyone, it's Cross. I just found—!"

 _ **KABOOM!**_

"—FUCK-MOTHERING GRIZZLY MAGNUM P.I. ON A KIT-KAT BAR!" I cursed wildly as I spun my arms in a desperate attempt to keep my footing as the _entire fucking tower was shaken by an explosion!_

"NOW THAT _**would be A FIND!"**_ Soundbite snickered.

"WHO THE HELL JUST CAME _THIS CLOSE_ TO KNOCKING EVERYONE IN THE LOOSE HALF OF THE TOWER INTO THE _FUCKING ABYSS!?"_ I roared indignantly, trusting Soundbite to broadcast my voice for me.

" _M-My bad—_ ERGH!— _Cross."_

My anger immediately evaporated into nothingness when I was answered by a thoroughly pained voice, along with Soundbite coughing up a mouthful of blood.

"Chopper?" I breathed numbly.

" _S-Sorry about that, everyone…"_ the reindeer wheezed miserably, coughing up more blood in the process. " _I used another Ch-Cherry Blossom—A_ CK!— _Blast B-Blizzard. It was s-stupid, b-b-but I d-didn't have any other choice…"_

"Shit, Kumadori?" I ground the heel of my palm into my forehead. "Damn it, I'm sorry, Chopper, I thought that with your new arsenal—!"

" _N-Not your fault, Cross…"_ Chopper groaned in defeat. " _B-Between my Cherry B-Blossom arsenal a-and my new h-high quality Rumble Balls, I-I had him right on the edge."_ He shook his head with a grimace. " _T-Then he made a r-run for it and got to the k-kitchen."_ He chuckled grimly. " _I-I'm afraid that I underestimated w-what you meant when you said h-he'd_ mastered _b-biofeedback."_

I sucked in a breath. "He pulled a Luffy, didn't he? He snapped back to all cylinders in an instant—!"

" _While I was left r-running on fumes…"_ Chopper sighed. " _I-I'm sorry about the blast, i-it was that or e-end up a_ sieve, _I-I didn't think—!"_

"Don't apologize for saving your own life, Chopper, _never_ apologize for that!" I interrupted. "You did what you had to do, no one can fault you for that, nobody at all!"

"… _T-Thanks for that, Cross…"_ our doctor grinned miserably. " _B-But please, don't stop me from apologizing for w-what I'm about to do next…"_ His expression shifted to a combination of a scowl and a grimace. " _B-Because I'm about to break a lot of promises I m-made to myself and to D-Doctorine."_

I grimaced. So… it had come to this after all. Damn it. "Fine… but remember this: No regrets. We won't let you hurt any of us, we won't let you do anything bad. When you do it… do it with a clear conscience, alright?"

Chopper was silent for a moment, before smiling gratefully, tears of joy sliding down his face. " _R-Roger that, T-Third Mate C-Cross…"_

" _Cross, WHAT'S GOING ON?"_ Zoro snarled.

"Chopper's using his last resort, his trump card… his berserker form," I said grimly. I ran a quick headcount before grimacing at the conclusion I drew. "Franky, I really hope that those upgrades you mentioned are as super as you say, because you're the only person available who can contain Chopper once he takes down Kumadori."

" _I'm just putting on the finishing touches now, Cross, I'll be_ SUPER! _ready to go in two minutes!"_

"You have _one,"_ I corrected bluntly.

There was a moment of hesitation, then… " _I'll be done in thirty seconds. What do I need to do?"_

I took a moment to smirk victoriously. Oh, yeah, now _that_ was the SUPER! shipwright I knew.

" _J-Just knock me into the sea…"_ Chopper groaned. " _I'm going to be sending my D-Devil Fruit into o-overdrive. T-The sea will stop me."_

" _Got it. Just leave it to me, guys! Your friend'll be safe with me!"_

" _Heh… heheh… s-sorry to disappoint you, Franky, b-but the thing is?"_

" _YOYOI! Theeeere you aaaare! It's tiiiime that I end this!"_

Chopper screwed his expression up. " **I'm not who you should be worried about."** A moment of silence, and then…

" **RUMBLE."**

CRUNCH!

I slashed my hand across my neck, prompting Soundbite to cut the line. Not that it did much good, however, seeing as the next second…

" _ **GWROOOOOOAAAARGH!"**_

The Tower of Justice was shaken by a bone-rattling roar of primal fury, and then the smash of _something_ going through several floors in the space of an instant.

"… _wow, the little guy is_ seriously _out of his mind, isn't he?"_ Franky muttered nervously.

"Completely and utterly, and he's not even remotely _little_ anymore, either," I snarled as I wheeled on my heel. "Right, playtime is _over,_ I'm gonna grab the blackbook and—!" I interrupted myself with a choked cry of shock as I reeled back, on account of me finally noticing the presence of the absolute _last_ individual I would have expected to see in this situation.

Hattori responded by cocking his head to the side, regarding me with a curious, if avian, look. "And… do what exactly?" he queried. "Do speak up, boy, I so _hate_ it when thoughts are left incomplete, it just…" He ruffled his feathers. " _Irks_ me, you know?"

"…Guys, I'm gonna have to call you back," I muttered under my breath before glancing at Soundbite. "James Spader?"

" _Felt appropriate,"_ he muttered back before raising his voice. " **And for the record, I don't feel** _ **impotent anymore. NOW I JUST FEEL**_ **PISSED."**

"Oh, don't worry, I take no offense," the pigeon said dismissively. "After all, my species is renowned for being something of a pest, and as a being who lacks a spine on a biological level, it's only to be expected that you feel constantly helpless!"

Soundbite twitched furiously on my shoulder, but a warning look from me was enough to silence him before I refocused on the pigeon. "So… Hattori. What brings you all the way up here?"

"Well, first and foremost, I'll be dealing with _this,"_ he replied, tapping his talon on the black book, which I only just now realized he was standing on. "Particular breach in operational security. Terribly embarrassing, to be honest, a rookie mistake. But one we should have seen coming, I suppose, what with who our director is…" He trailed off for a moment before slapping his head with a chuckle. "Oh, right, terribly sorry, I almost forgot. I'm also here to kill _you_ , of course." The last line was delivered without missing a beat, as though he were discussing the weather.

I swallowed nervously as I fought to keep calm. "Is that so?" I managed to get out.

For all that I was keeping myself marginally calm on the outside, inside my mind was awhirl. In all honesty, I hadn't even considered Hattori to be a possible factor in matters, but really, I should have have known better. Like it or not, the bird _was_ a part of CP9, and doubtless had _some_ training, one way or another. Silly to consider, sure, but considering the current situation, _and_ the fact that half of my crewmates were animals and most of those were self-sufficient? Not a chance of me counting it out yet. Still, he was just a pigeon, so with any luck…

"So, I'm curious…" I started slowly, trying to keep my voice steady, even as I inched one of my feet towards the door. "Did Spandam order this or…?"

If I could just get out of this wide-open room—

And then my face proceeded to split open.

I blinked in surprise as I watched the blood gush before my eyes. "What the—?"

Aaaand _then_ the pain hit me.

"ARGH!"

" _CROSS!"_ Soundbite and Lassoo chorused.

"To answer your question…" Hattori kept his tone of voice even as he inspected his wingtips, totally uncaring as I fell to my knees and clutched the _fucking trench in my face_ with a howl of pain. "It was actually Lucci who gave me this assignment. He wanted to guarantee that you didn't walk away from this island alive. Or at all, really. I'm only too happy to oblige."

" _Big words from_ **A PIGEON!"** Soundbite retorted.

The pigeon cocked his head to the side before chuckling dryly. "This coming from the _snail?_ Really now, Soundbite, is that the best you have to offer? That little barb failed to meet even my admittedly low expectations," he stated. "I do hope that's not your A-game. I accepted this assignment because I was hoping for things to be at least a _little_ interesting, after all, and it certainly wasn't because of _Cross_."

" **You damn—!"**

"Shut it…" I bit out through my pain. Because _damn,_ this shit hurt like hell, the bastard had torn my face open from cheek to cheek and all but cut my damn _nose_ in half! I'd be lucky if I'd ever be able to smell anything _but_ blood again, _damn it!_

Currently, my mind was awhirl as I berated myself for being so fucking _stupid!_ What the hell did it matter if Hattori was a pigeon, he was a pigeon owned and trained by _Rob Lucci!_ I'd forgotten to take into account the fact that that bastard wouldn't have let his pet be anything less than the perfect feathered killing machine, and all because I was so stupid stupid _stupid, damn it!_

"And that's even _more_ dull," Hattori sighed, sounding genuinely disappointed. "Honestly now, if you're going to _insist_ on boring me, I might as well get on to business."

So saying, the pigeon flapped his wings in order to lift a few feet above the desk—

"Tempest Wing."

Before flapping one of his wings extra-hard. I flinched and snapped my gauntlets up, bracing for pain, but _I_ wasn't the aim of the attack.

Instead, Spandam's desk all but split in half, and what little remained of some of the most valuable pages in the world fluttered out the window and into the waiting abyss below.

I _swear_ I felt something die in me as I took in the sight of what had once been a gold mine of information; I hadn't even made it through half of the book, and now it was _useless_. But… in the end, I couldn't really complain. It had served its purpose, however brief; I had what I needed most, and there was no doubt that I had spilled enough dirt to be earthshaking.

Now I just needed to stay alive long enough to actually _capitalize_ on it.

" **Please tell** _ME YOU HAVE_ A PLAN, **CROSS!"** Soundbite stage-whispered.

"Don't die?" I offered weakly.

For a moment, the snail was silent. " _A bit vague,_ **BUT I LIKE IT."**

"Yes, I suppose it _is_ elegant in its simplicity, isn't it?" Hattori admitted with a nod before drawing his wings back. "Too bad it's utterly implausible. Tempest—!"

" _EEEEEEEEE!"_

Suddenly, Soundbite let out a shrill screech, almost like a siren, distracting all of us.

" **OWOWOWOW! T-Too loud,** _ **too strong!"**_ the snail wailed miserably, "I-I-I **can't** _ **st-stop IT!**_ _H-HE DID IT!_ _ **THAT BASTARD,**_ **HE** **USED THE GOLDEN SNAIL!"**

Then Soundbite's expression mutated into a familiar scowl. " _Oh, now I pick the right snail. Not that it matters anymore, there's no turning back now! I've pushed the button! Of all things… I'VE TRIGGERED THE BUSTER CALL!"_

"And he just broadcast that fact to the entire island, if not the world," Hattori observed dryly as he landed back on the remains of the desk. "Good _God,_ how has anyone so utterly devoid of intelligence managed to live so long?"

"Mother- _fucking_ miracles, is how," I bit out venomously as I pinched my nose together.

" **HONK honk,"** Soundbite scoffed.

"Still," I raised my voice as I glared at the pigeon. "Any chance of calling a truce just long enough for me to utterly annihilate any chance of Spandam _not_ having the book—nay, the entire _library_ —thrown at him when this mess is over and done with?"

Hattori regarded me for a few moments before casually waving his wing. "Oh, why not? Not as though you have any chance of escaping. And I will admit, I'm interested to see if you can arrange for his grave to be dug any deeper than it already is."

"Watch and be amazed," I smirked before looking at Soundbite, taking the opportunity to dig the stock of salve-soaked bandages Chopper had given me out of my jacket. "Can you connect to the snail he's talking through and get a message to Robin?"

" _Eh…"_ Soundbite waved his eyestalks side to side. "HE'S OUT OF _my range…_ _ **ah, but one of the MICROPHONE USERS**_ **ISN'T! Just let me—** _GOT HER!"_

"Robin, we're on our way, and we're still broadcasting live!" I said. "I've already all but signed the bastard's arrest warrant, but I want to see if we can't push the buck a little farther! Get him talking!"

It was a true credit to Robin's professionalism that she didn't even hesitate, though the panic in her voice was, unfortunately, not faked in the slightest. " _You have to cancel it right away! Don't you realize what you've done? Everyone is going to die!"_

" _Cancel it? Ha! Who do you think you're talking to!? What's wrong with a Buster Call, anyway?"_ Spandam snarled, quickly regaining his composure, as well as his _raging ego_. " _Yes… Yes, this is fine, I'm perfectly authorized to do this! I'm the Chief of Cipher Pol No. 9, after all! To ensure that your transfer went over smoothly, I requested a Buster Call. There's nothing at all wrong with that! Who cares if it's a little overkill? Better safe than sorry; I'm sure Sengoku will agree that it's a small price to pay to get rid of these pirates!"_

" _You… You're more than a fool, you're insane!"_ Robin gasped fearfully. " _I told you before, that won't be the end of it! This is an attack without mercy, without humanity! The Buster Call will burn_ everything _on Enies Lobby to the ground! The buildings, the people, even the island itself! It will sacrifice anything and everything in its path! The nightmare won't end until nothing remains! That's the power you're invoking! I've seen it all with my own eyes, I've told you what happened on Ohara twenty years ago! You would sacrifice the lives of everyone here, and all for what!? For a_ weapon!?"

" _Yesss…"_ Spandam hissed, and going by his tone of voice it sounded like he was standing on the edge. " _The Government is well aware of the sacrifices involved, that's how important this mission is! With all the bad publicity we're already receiving, we can't afford to make a mistake. You're the last hope we have of reviving the Ancient Weapon! Poetic, isn't it? Destruction in order to bring about even greater destruction! The spark needed to ignite the engine of one of the greatest weapons in all history! Those few thousand soldiers should be honored, their souls will be the kindling for the blaze that will burn all evil out of this world! And besides, if they couldn't even do their job and keep your little friends from coming this far and humiliating the World Government as they have, they're better off dead! And the same goes for CP9!"_

" _You complete and utter madman… Do you even understand a fraction of what you're talking about!? The Pluton is a power far beyond your comprehension, beyond anyone's comprehension, even mine! What was written on that Poneglyph…"_ I could _hear_ the shudder in Robin's voice. " _Was nothing short of pure evil! I couldn't forget it even if I wanted to, because it haunts my dreams every night! Do you see what I'm trying to say!? You could destroy the entire world that you're trying to secure it for! Does it mean nothing to you that your efforts could reduce the World Government to nothing?"_

 _"Reduce it to nothing? Hmm…"_ A demented smile slowly spread across Spandam's face. " _Yes, it does have that kind of power, doesn't it? You know, I could actually take advantage of that! With that kind of power, I could join the Five Elder Stars… or even replace them! Spandam, king of the entire world! WAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"_

Right, this shitshow's coming to a stop, _now._ "Hey, leatherface, guess what?" I sang innocently.

" _HAHAHA—eh? What the—?"_

"You're on candid-snail, my friend," I sneered.

" **BUUU~STEEE~D!"** Soundbite howled with a cackle.

Hattori watched with unconcealed amusement as Soundbite mirrored Spandam's own expression of abject horror—

" _Er… by the way, this is, er, Straw Hat Luffy speaking."_

" **I WOULDN'T BUY THAT** _IF IT WAS ON SALE,_ _**DIPSHIT!"**_

—before his expression fell flat as the entire island shouted at him.

"Honestly, now?" Hattori groaned, his wing meeting his face. "Good _God,_ I'm actually getting a migraine. Honestly, I wasn't even _aware_ that pigeons could get migra—!"

He suddenly cut himself off and lashed his wing out, causing me to skid to a halt with a choked curse as the resulting razor wind carved a chunk out of the staircase railing before me.

"Nice try," he drawled. "But quite simply no. Now then—!"

" _Dot dot dot dot!"_

He gave Soundbite a thoroughly unimpressed look. "Really? Now, of all times?"

" **Hey, trust—** _dot dot dot dot!—_ _ **me, I get where YOU'RE COMING FROM!**_ _NOT RIGHT_ — _dot dot dot dot!—NOW,_ **OBVIOUSLY, BUT—!"**

"Oh, just pick it up already," he ordered me with a dry look.

"Yeah yeah, on it," I grumbled as I dug through my bag.

" _Dot dot dot—KA-LICK!"_

Soundbite promptly began shining golden, the rage _palpable_ across the connection… _and a demented smile on his face._ Hattori actually flinched back, as did I.

" _ **OHHH, SPAAANDAAAM?!"**_ came the horrifying voice of Fleet Admiral Sengoku, who seemed to have _cracked_ from the way his slasher grin and voice were tremoring. " _ **I HAVE NEW ORDERS FOR YOU, STRAIGHT FROM THE FIVE ELDER STARS: RETURN TO MARINE HEADQUARTERS IMMEDIATELY TO RECEIVE, AND I QUOTE THE ELDER STARS THEMSELVES,**_ ' **EVERYTHING YOU HAVE COMING TO YOU.'** _ **AND**_ **HEAVEN HELP YOU** _ **IF NICO ROBIN ISN'T WITH YOU WHEN YOU GET HERE."**_

Spandam hesitated for a scant moment before whatever delusion he was laboring under reaffirmed itself and he nodded dutifully. " _Y-Yes, sir! HURRY UP, YOU! DOUBLE-TIME! YOU ARE TO BEAR WITNESS TO ME RECEIVING MY JUST REWARDS!"_

Robin grunted slightly before gritting her teeth and glancing to the side. " _Well, isn't this a fine development?"_ she muttered underneath her breath. " _Now I'm actually half-tempted to go along with him just so that I can see the results."_

" _WHAT WAS THAT YOU—Ah, wait a second, I'd better hang up now before—_ CLICK!"

" _ **ARGH!"**_ Soundbite yelped. " _WRONG ONE,_ ASSWIPE!"

" _BITE ME, YOU LITTLE—_ KA-LICK!"

I would have to have been the absolute biggest idiot on the face of the planet to speak up at that moment.

"May I suggest awarding him the Darwin Award once he arrives?"

Which, of course, meant that I _had to._

Sound-Goku snapped a twitching glare at me for a second before his grin widened. " _Ah, yes. Jeremiah Cross,"_ the Fleet Admiral said in a voice of calm best compared to the void between stars. " _The biggest_ fucking _aggravation in my career, if not my_ life. _I have only one thing to say to you."_

There was a pause and then—

 _Holy-fucking-hell-giant-golden-GOD!_

I had to fight tooth and nail to keep my knees from buckling.

" _ **I'm coming for you.**_ _KA-LICK!"_

I took a moment to pant and get my heartbeat back under control. "Fucking _Conqueror's…_ " I muttered. I then shot a somewhat hysterical grin at Soundbite. "Wonder whose is stronger, his or Garp the Hero's?"

Soundbite replied to the grin with a flat look. " **I'd say you have** _ **issues, but that fruit's so**_ **LOW HANGING** _the chickens_ HAVE BEEN PECKING AT IT."

"Oh, please," Hattori drawled. "I doubt there's enough left of that particular fruit after how much you ate to feed a worm. I do believe I'm actually doing you a favor by killing you now, before the Buddha arrives."

So saying, the menacing pigeon strolled forward, advancing on my talking snail, my bazooka-dog, and myself as I racked my brains for a way out of the bisected thirty-story Tower of Justice.

"…My life is so warped," I muttered as I ran the aforementioned situation through my head. I then froze as I realized the truth behind my words: I was in a crazy situation… so why not employ an utterly crazy solution?

And so, it was without a hint of hesitation that I planted my arms behind me and hoisted myself onto the bannister, balancing between certain death and the void.

Hattori stopped in his tracks, blinking at me in honest surprise. "You're mad," he stated matter-of-factly.

I chuckled as I scratched the back of my head. "To paraphrase Will Turner's dubiously good friend Jack Sparrow—!"

" _CAPTAIN_ **JACK SPARROW!"**

"Yes, yes, _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, thank you…" I allowed an absolutely maniacal grin to spread across my face. "Good thing I am, because otherwise this would probably never work."

And with that, I tipped backwards and allowed myself to plummet, freefalling for a total of three seconds until I grabbed a handle at my side and _yanked._

" _ **AAAAaaaaAAAA!"**_ Soundbite hollered as a rope shot from my waist and latched onto one of the balconies I'd passed.

The next second, the rope snapped taut and I grunted with exertion as I swung into the wall, only my greaves and my training saving my legs from shattering on impact. "And people do this for _fun?"_ I demanded as I unlatched myself from the line and dropped down to the landing below me.

"You certainly do!" Lassoo snickered.

I paused as I contemplated that before nodding. "Fair point. Anyway, Usopp!" I raised my voice meaningfully as dug a spare spool of rope from my bag and started fiddling with my belt. "Thanks for letting me hang onto this thing after Skypiea, but do you think you could walk me through replacing the lines again? And while I've got you, how are things going? Has Robin reached the Bridge yet?"

" _Ah, not yet! But I have been giving the Marines hell. Only problem is that there are a lot of them and they're pulling out riot shields, so the best I can do is keep them pinned."_

"That's better than any of us at this point, so nice work, Sniper King!" I chuckled. "Anyways, those instructions?"

" _Pull out the ripcord and twist the base clockwise to eject it, then insert the new one and twist it in counterclockwise,"_ Usopp recited.

"Pull-twist-twist…" I muttered as I followed his orders and replaced the reels. "Alright, got it, thanks. Back to work."

" _Yeah, I'm on—Oh, a reflection! EAT THIS! SPECIAL ATTACK: LEAD STAR!"_

"Knock 'em dead, Usopp!" I called up before looking at my companions. "Alright, you guys ready?"

"Do we have a choice?" Lassoo snorted.

" **Not really,** _ **the feather-rat is GETTING SUSPICIOUS!"**_ Soundbite yelped.

I bit out a curse and hastily sprung into action. First, I launched my grappling hook's anchor into the floor, burying its head in the stone, and then I got onto the railing and hung myself over the edge by the line. Thankfully, I was on an extended balcony, so I would be dropping into the middle of the stairwell.

"Here we _go!"_ I grunted as I jumped out and started falling down the shaft again, my descent controlled by an automatic brake Usopp had installed in the belt while I kept a hand on the line in order to keep my balance.

I warily scanned the shaft leading up to the roof as I descended. "Any idea if he's coming, or—?"

" **NOW!"**

Exactly on cue, a dart of white popped into sight and shot down at us, zipping back and forth as it honed in.

I didn't even hesitate to snap my arm up when the killer pigeon got near. "Gastro-Flash!" I ordered, flexing my palm.

Thankfully, the resulting blast of light and sound forced Hattori to divert his course of descent, following which he shot past me without stopping. Of course, a glance downwards was all I needed to confirm that he'd almost immediately pulled a 180 and was shooting back _up_ at us, which I wasn't going to let fly. Pun mostly not intended.

"Gastro-Phony!"

" _ **SUCK IT!"**_ Soundbite snapped before roaring out an ear-rending cacophony. The resultant blare forced Hattori to swerve and give us a wide berth before wheeling around above us.

"Alright, now unless I miss my guess, he's now going to try to…" I was answered by Hattori slashing his wing at my line. The razor wind hit the rope and caused reverberations to course up and down it, but other than a few shakes, nothing actually _came_ of it.

"NICE TRY!" I called up to the avian aggressor. "BUT I HAD USOPP BUY SOME SPOOLS OF REINFORCED ROPE WHILE WE WERE IN WATER 7! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN _THAT!"_

"You realize that that's only going to piss him off, right?" Lassoo groaned darkly.

I shrugged in means of reply. "Hey, he's going to try and end us anyway, not like I'm making things any worse. And 'sides, _you're_ the one who's going to keep him from killing us in the first place."

"What!? How the heck am I gonna do that!?"

At that moment, Hattori swerved down at us and lashed out yet another rippling wave of air at us.

"Like this!" I grit out as I unslung Lassoo and pointed his muzzle dead ahead. "Cani-Blast!"

Lassoo didn't even hesitate to belt out the pillar of fire, the kickback from which swung me backwards, out of the path of the bird's attack and into the Tower's wall.

I dug my fingers into a cleft in the tower's stonework, letting myself hang and catch my breath for a moment before I nodded firmly. "Alright… Alright, now we get serious. Hang on tight!" And with that, I leapt out and to the side, swinging out of the way of yet another Tempest Wing.

"Lassoo, can you adjust the fuse of your baseballs yourself?" I asked as I landed on another wall.

The dog-gun frowned in thought for a moment, and then grinned. "I can do you one better, Cross," he said. "Watch _this!"_

And with that, he angled his head and spat out a baseball that would have blown the stupid pigeon to feathers had it been properly aimed, as it exploded mere feet behind him. I was quite gratified to see Hattori flail a bit mid-flight.

"OK, keep that up!" I said as I leapt out again. Then I frowned as I noticed him suddenly swooping in loop-de-loops. "What's he—? Oh, shi— _Cani-Blast!"_

Lassoo barked out another pillar of flame, sending us off to the far-side of the shaft and not a moment too soon, judging from the fact that the wall where I'd been standing earlier suddenly turned into _swiss-fucking-cheese!_

"Of _course_ Lucci taught his pigeon the Flying Finger Pistol!" I roared in frustration. "Of _course_ he did, because it would be too _easy_ if he only knew _one_ ranged attack!"

" _Shouldn't that_ BE **Flying** _ **Beak**_ **Pistol?"** Soundbite pointed out innocently.

"Not the time, you little—!"

"STOP!"

I instinctively swung Lassoo around and braced at his warning shout, the cannonball he vomited up bringing us to a halt mere inches from the incoming Tempest Wing that would have intercepted us otherwise.

"That was _way_ too close," I whimpered, before hastily blasting myself back to the wall and running around the shaft as a Flying Nose—Beak— _whatever_ nearly clipped my shoulder.

"Lassoo!" I howled.

"Hold still for just a minute!" he barked, before chuffing. "Gotcha! Cani-Cannon Barrage: Ack-Ack Edition!"

I braced myself as Lassoo rammed into my shoulder, going full rapid-fire as explosion after explosion rocked the stairwell. While I didn't hear a squawk of avian death, I also didn't have to dodge any more air-pressure attacks, so I decided to call it a win. After a few minutes, though, I felt the explosions taper off and then stop entirely.

"He's pulled up and I can't aim that high," Lassoo growled in answer to the unspoken question.

"Wait, he wha—? _Shit,_ " I spat as I stared upwards after the feathered menace. "He finally got wise and decided to go for our anchor, and there's _fuck-all_ we can do to stop him!"

Suddenly we jerked to a stop.

" _NOT THAT IT MATTERS,_ **considering we're** _ **out of rope,"**_ Soundbite noted with a nervous chuckle.

Gritting my teeth, I glanced downward, hoping for _something_ to get us out of this mess. The only things I saw were that the nearest stair-landing was far enough down that a drop would break my legs and a bloodied Blueno Moon…walk…ing…

I took a second to blink in shock at the sight of Blueno hovering in the air and frantically looking around before grinning as an idea popped into my head.

"Guys, fair warning, I'm about to do something _really_ stupid," I notified them matter-of-factly.

" _What else is new?"_ they scoffed.

"Yeah, well, this is going to be _particularly_ bad," I said casually. And with my partners sufficiently warned, I aimed Lassoo above me… and unlatched the rope. "CANI-BLAST!"

It took more gymnastics than I was normally capable of and I'm almost _certain_ that I pulled something in the process, but the end result was the same: Lassoo's blast launched me downwards and I was able to slam my foot—!

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

"Wha—?"

 _CRUNCH!_

"GWAH!"

Dead-center in Blueno's face.

I held my position balancing on the bull-haired man's face for a second before leaping forward and jumping to the stairwell.

I panted heavily as I fought to catch my breath before shooting a finger up into the air. "And all that!" I announced in a grandiose tone of voice. "While stone-cold _sober!"_

"GRGH—!" Blueno cursed for a second as he nursed his shattered nose before directing a murderous glare at me, somehow still maintaining his Moonwalk. "Cross, you damn son of a—!"

"We interrupt this worthless death-threat for a breaking news story: CP9 agent with a Power Level of 820 proven to be useless against Gastro-Phony!"

" _ **MORE AT ELEVEN!"**_ Soundbite boomed.

Blueno blinked dumbly at us. "Wha—?" _Then_ Soundbite's ear-rending roar hit him dead-on. He snapped his hands to his ears, and promptly dropped like a stone when he forgot to keep his legs kicking.

I glanced over the edge of the railing and cocked an eyebrow. "Well, that was easy."

"It's a sad day for CP9 when a pigeon is more threatening than a bull," Lassoo sighed.

 _That_ brought me up short as I thought things over. "…Good grief. I'm fighting a pigeon, I just kicked a bull in the face, and a _giraffe_ cut this entire tower in half. Zoro was right, this place _is_ a zoo!"

" **Enies Lobby,** _ **THE MOST MAGICAL PLACE**_ **IN THE GRAND LINE!"** Soundbite cackled.

I groaned as I ground the bridge of my nose. "Damn, now my memories will forever be tainted… anyway, let's get moving and—!"

 _CLONK!_

"Ow!" I flinched as I felt something smack the back of my head, something that probably would have hurt a lot more if this were a few months ago. I glanced back and identified that it was a rock that had hit me, prompting me to blink in confusion before looking around to see who could have thrown it. I then began to question my perception of reality when I caught sight of two pebbles floating in mid-air and tapping against one another.

"…Soundbite, can I blame you for this?" I asked only slightly desperately.

"TOO MUCH CREDIT! _And that's no delusion, that's_ _ **morse code,**_ **it's SANJI!"**

"Say _what!?"_

"Yeah, and he's sayin'…" Lassoo narrowed his eyes as he followed the tapping. "'Stay. Out. Of. This. Cross.'"

I felt my eyes twitch before I crossed my arms and scowled. "Get off my case, Combat Cook, I needed a safe way to the stairs and he was my best option! And anyway…" I smirked tauntingly. "Shouldn't you be going after him rather than staying here yapping at me?"

The pebbles flinched and hastily tapped out something I suspected was distinctly insulting before they dove over the edge.

I watched them for a second before exchanging glances with Lassoo. "Not even going to question it, you?"

"Nope," he shook his head flatly.

" **Good,"** Soundbite barked _just_ as the line I'd been dropping on fell past us. " _Because the FEATHER-RAT IS ON_ _ **THE MOVE AGAIN!**_ **RUN!"**

I decided to follow that excellent advice and run like _hell._

 **-o-**

"And three… two… one…" Vivi counted down under her breath as she watched the second-hand on her watch tick away before nodding firmly and snapping it shut. "It's been five minutes, Luffy and Lucci should be well into it. I doubt we'll get a better chance than this." She glanced over her shoulder at Conis and Su. "Are you ready?"

Conis nodded in agreement as she adjusted her goggles before wrapping her arms around Vivi's waist. "Ready and willing!"

"Su!" Su concurred as she dug her claws into her owner's back.

Vivi then turned her attention to her Carue. "Ready for this, Carue?"

The supersonic spot-billed duck snorted firmly as he snapped his visor down over his eyes. " _Quack."_

"Alright, then…" Vivi grit her teeth as she wrapped her hands in her partner's reins. "Let's do this!" She gave the reins a firm snap. "HEEYAH!"

"QUAAACK!" Carue squawked loudly as he started tearing down the tunnel at breakneck speeds.

The duck and his riders had left Luffy and had been waiting more than a kilometer away from the Bridge of Hesitation.

Carue cleared that distance and tore into the Bridge's warehouse in less than twenty seconds.

To most anyone else entering the room, it would appear as though there was some sort of malevolent haze ripping the room apart. This would be on account of Luffy having gathered that he would only be able to beat Lucci by going all-out straight off the bat and Lucci eagerly meeting him in turn. The result was their forms being barely visible as they—a lobster-red rubber man and a menacing anthropomorphic leopard in a black suit—matched blows and otherwise rendered themselves as barely colored blurs in the air.

Carue, however, was not most anybody. He was a Supersonic Duck, and in order to properly cope and process their environments while running at their maximum speeds, Supersonic Ducks had evolved so that no matter how fast they moved, their brains would automatically speed up and allow them to keep up and _not_ crash into anything.

The end result of this miracle of nature was that where Vivi, Conis and Su only saw an unintelligible nothing, Carue was at _least_ able to follow Luffy and Lucci as they flashed around the room, pummeling, parrying, dodging and overall performing a danse macabre in all but song.

The duck had _almost_ made it halfway the storeroom when suddenly the world froze around him— _right_ in the instant where he was in midair, between one step and the next—as his abject terror ramped his mental dilation into overdrive.

The reason for his terror was the fact that, at the moment, there was a 12-foot tall leopard-human towering above him. One of said leopard-human's hands was held out in such a way so as to deflect the crimson fist trying to slam into his head, and the other…

Carue felt like his heart was about to pound out of his chest as he watched the other clawed hand swipe down towards his head. To him it looked like the hand was moving slowly, but he knew, he _knew_ that if it made contact, then it would swipe off both his and Vivi's heads in a single, clean, utterly unhindered motion.

As certain death slowly but certainly inched towards his head, Carue found himself doing the only thing he could: reiterating the mantra that he'd adopted almost a week earlier, reciting it in every instance of training he'd performed with Vivi.

' _One second,'_ he frantically repeated, over and over. ' _One second one second one second_ _one second—!_ '

Carue could see his own reflection in Lucci's claws, and he was _right_ about to lose control of his bowels. Then Vivi entered the reflection as well, and something in Carue's mind just _clicked._

' _One second…'_

The very tip of Carue's talon touched down on the floor.

' _One second. Ten steps, all in one second… TO SHAVE!'_

And then Carue _moved._

Rob Lucci snarled out a curse as his claws whiffed through the air, his quarry disappearing from his sight so fast that all that he was left with were a few stray feathers and the tail-end of a furious "—AAAAAACK."

"Damn _pira—!"_

The assassin only had a second to fume over his failure before a fist smashed into his face and sent him crashing him into the wall, following which he was wrenched right back into the greatest fight of his entire life.

 **-o-**

I fought to control my breathing as I glanced around a corner on the Tower's ground floor. I scanned the hallway before me and came up with jack-diddly in ways of killer pigeons. It looked for all the world like I had a straight shot to the Tower's back dock, but at the moment that meant all of jack- _squat_ to me, and for a damn good reason _._

"Still no luck on finding the damn feather-rat?" I hissed to Soundbite.

He snarled darkly as he shook his head. " **Not a one.** _I don't want to give any credit to_ **THESE BASTARDS,** _ **but where their stealth skills are CONCERNED, IT'S DUE.**_ **I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS,** SORRY."

I tsked softly at that as I hesitantly eyed the Bridge in the distance. "Alright… alright… Lassoo, how far would you say it is to the dock?"

"Eh…" Lassoo cocked his head to the side, eyeing the distance. "Fifty-five, fifty meters, give or take? Either way, the architects got their money's worth off of these blueprints."

I groaned miserably at the prospect as I felt my legs flare up miserably, and _not_ because of my fondued muscles. "Ah… alright… so running out there would just be stupid, so… so let's start with you belting out a load of smoke to fill the corridor, and then, ah, ah… Soundbite! Yeah, Soundbite, you fill the corridor with Gastro-Phony, and then I'll, ah, I'll—!"

" _Alright, what's with_ **the stuttering?"** Soundbite demanded impatiently. " _ **That corridor**_ **IS A LEGITIMATE KILLBOX,** _WHY AREN'T YOU_ RUNNING RIGHT INTO IT!?"

I flinched self-consciously before shooting a shaky grin over my shoulder. "Haaave I ever told you two that I _really_ hated P.E. class in school?"

My partners' expressions promptly fell flat. " _Seriously?"_ they deadpanned.

I plastered a sheepish grin on my face as I rubbed the back of my head. "Running the mile, specifically. I mean, sure, my adrenaline's running pretty high, but I just don't think that running a straight line like this is the best course of action. I mean, come on, I'm the tactician here, and since I know the opponent, I'm sure I can come up with a few dozen plans to circumvent—!"

"Oh, for the love of _God,_ will you _please_ shut up?"

"NOW _THAT'S_ MOTIVATION!" I yelped in panic as I shot out from behind the corner and made a break for it, pumping my legs as fast as I possibly could.

To my credit, I actually managed to make it a little under halfway.

"Tempest Wing."

 _SKRANG!_

The attack splashed across my heel, sending me tumbling ass over teakettle. It was a considerable comfort that I had my armor on and that said armor was thick as hell, because otherwise I would have fit a _really_ inconvenient stereotype. But considering that it left me wide open for another attack, that comfort was as cold as they came.

And it got even _colder_ when I started to push myself to my feet and was forced to freeze when I wound up staring down the damn bird's wing.

"I'm _terribly_ sorry for my rudeness, but _honestly now,"_ Hattori drawled. "There's only so much inane jibber jabber a sane being can take at a time. Really, I do believe I can see where your navigator comes from whenever she does the world a favor by shutting you up."

" **YOU SHIT-FEATHERED—** _ **AGH!"**_ Soundbite's vicious snarling was cut off when a small gash was suddenly carved into his shell.

"When I told you to shut up earlier," Hattori said, his eyes narrowed menacingly. "I meant _all of you._ And as for you!" Hattori swung his wing to point it between Lassoo's eyes, causing the cannon to freeze just as he was opening his jaws. "I want you to think _very_ hard on this: what do you think is faster? Your mouth, or my wing?"

Lassoo kept his mouth half-open for a second before snapping it shut with an irritated growl.

Hattori nodded before turning his attention back to me. "I'll give you points for persistence and cleverness, Cross," he drawled. "But in the end, you're simply _weak_ , and your attempts to compensate through the usage of your unctuous partner futile due to his own innate uselessness. Allow me to share a fact of life with you: There are opponents against which no amount of cleverness and persistence will work. And unfortunately for you, I'm not a Logia user with delusions of grandeur and better things to do with his time than kill you."

" **But apparently you have THE TIME TO** _run your FUCKING—!"_

Hattori casually flicked his wing, snapping a small pellet of _something_ into Soundbite's mouth before he could react and reducing my snail's tirade to little more than a barrage of hacking and wheezing. The answer to what the hell had just happened came in the form of Soundbite coughing up a cloud of white powder that I recognized all too well: _flour._

"Soundbite!" I cursed desperately.

Hattori cooed something or other in what I _knew_ was a condescending tone, and the snarl Lassoo let out was proof enough of that.

Still, no matter what it was the bird said, his next action was clear enough.

Time seemed to slow down for us as the wing came down, and I could only stare and watch in horror as the air started to ripple around the white feathers.

Later on, when I recounted this story to my crew, I would swear up and down the Grand Line, Paradise and New World alike, that just as the wing was inches from my face, I saw a figure with a robe and a scythe looming behind the damn bird.

And that figure _would_ have swung his scythe down, too.

" _ **NO!"**_

If it weren't for a titanic voice suddenly bellowing out and causing Hattori to flail back in shock.

I hastily scrambled back when the pigeon's wing slashed at my face, and my heart all but stopped when the bird's wingtip sheared a small nock out of the lip of my baseball cap. "Fuck Gear Second, _I_ just lost a few years off my life…" I whimpered in terror as I clambered to my feet.

Hattori, looking rather unnerved himself, hopped back from me and began scanning the area. "Who just spoke?" he demanded, before stiffening in shock. "Wait, how on earth am _I_ speaking?!"

" **HEY, FEATHERBRAIN."**

Both Hattori and I snapped our attention to my shoulder, where Soundbite was grinning malevolently.

" _ **YO,"**_ he greeted.

My jaw promptly dropped in shock.

It wasn't because a snail spoke, no, I thoroughly used to that little fact of life.

 _It was because he spoke_ _without opening his mouth._

"S-Soundbite…" I breathed in awe. "H-How the hell are you?"

Soundbite glanced at me for a second before shaking his head. " **HoohoohooHEEHEEHEE** _ **hahaha…**_ _haaaa…"_ The snail then glanced down at my side. " _PEOPLE OF THE WORLD…_ I HAVE A MESSAGE OF MY OWN."

Suddenly, a _very_ familiar… nay, an _unforgettable_ drumbeat started to play out, and all I could do was snap my head up into the air in shock. "What the _hell—?!"_

" _ **I have a message that I want to share with**_ **some people."**

 **-o-**

" _ **TO THE WARLORD OF THE SEAS KNOWN AS DONQUIXOTE DOFLAMINGO."**_

"Fuffuffuffuffuffu… _Fuffuffuffuffuffu…!"_

Said Warlord was currently hunched over and snickering on the deck of his ship, en route to getting the hell out of the No Man's Land that lay between Totland and Kaido's Empire; the events of the last few hours had been seriously taxing his ability to suppress his laughter, and it was taking a lot of effort not to start cackling loudly enough to wake the whole of the ocean.

Not that anyone was still asleep, mind you.

This was evidenced by Diamante hesitantly shuffling forwards, his progress being none-too-subtly encouraged by Pica shoving him in the back. He shot a glare over his shoulder at the larger Executive before clearing his throat. "Ah… Young Master, if you don't mind me asking, what's so—?"

"Fuffuffuffu… forget it…"

"E-Eh? W-What— _AGH!"_ Diamante stumbled back in shock when the deck beneath his feet suddenly turned to string and started rippling.

"Forget the lateness of the hour, forget being yanked away to calm Big Mom. Hell, you can even forget that _blacklist_ fiasco from awhile back too!" Doflamingo's smile stretched from ear to ear as he flung his head back and started cackling at the sky. "FUFFUFFU! Forget it all! In the end, it doesn't matter how irritating they are, how arrogant and overambitious they might be! None of that matters, not now or ever again! Because now, it's official! The Straw Hats are just keeping this too world too interesting for me to be anything but entertained! HELL!"

The officers on board stumbled back in shock and terror when Doflamingo affixed a gaze at them that was filled with nothing but pure insanity.

"FORGET THE ERA OF ROGER, AND FORGET THE ERA OF SMILES ITSELF! THE ONLY THING I WANT TO SEE IN THIS WORLD _IS THE SHEER MADNESS THAT WILL ARISE FROM THE ERA OF THE STRAW HAT PIRATES! FUFFUFFUFFUFFUFFUUU!"_

 **-o-**

" **TO THE FOUR JAILER BEASTS OF THE UNDERWATER GAOL IMPEL DOWN!"**

All throughout the facility of Impel Down, the entirety of the staff, from the 'human' guards and the Blugori to Warden Magellan himself, were desperately scrambling to try and maintain order as Levels 1, 2 and 4 rioted furiously ,and the only reason that 3 and 5 weren't a part of the whole debacle was that the conditions of those Levels removed any will from the prisoners to fight back.

An extreme detriment to that endeavor and the root cause of the riots was that all four of the Gaol's Jailer Beasts had stopped doing their duties out of the blue in favor of bellowing skyward, and nothing that anybody did or said to them could make them stop.

Not even Sadi's training and discipline was able to get through to the Beasts. She tried, sure, but in the end, not even she was a match for the call of ingrained instinct.

 **-o-**

" _AND FINALLY, TO ANYBODY ELSE LIKE THEM…_ **I suggest that you all** _ **move the hell over,"**_ Soundbite leered menacingly. "BECAUSE YOU SEE… _**THIS SNAIL JUST GOT**_ **ON YOUR LEVEL."**

My mind reeled as I processed the implications of what I was hearing. And as if his words weren't more than enough, the sheer mad _glint_ I could see in his eyes, practically _shining_ from within, spoke more than enough.

"You… Soundbite," I stammered weakly. "D-Did you just—?"

" **Awaken?"** Soundbite giggled ecstatically. " _Hell yes._ _ **And ya know what, Cross?**_ **I DON'T BLAME YOU** FOR NOT BEING MUCH _HELP BACK IN SKYPIEA. I didn't before,_ **but still. SEE, IN THE END?** _ **THE REALITY IS THAT YOU COULDN'T**_ _**have helped me figure it out…**_ " He shook his head with a nostalgic look. "BECAUSE THERE JUST _is no_ _ **figuring it out.**_ ' _Awakening'…_ **an accurate name. ONE SECOND YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE,** _ **AND THE NEXT…**_ _YOU WAKE UP FROM A DEEP SLEEP and you understand_ **everything."** He leaned his head back and basked as a chorus of trumpets blared. " _ **Ain't nothin' like it."**_

"And…" I waved my hand at the air. "The music? I didn't think you had access to…" I jerked my head to the side. "You know, _those_ records?"

"Heck," Lassoo piped up. "What the heck does this Awakening stuff mean in _general?"_

Soundbite shot a grin back at the dog-cannon. " _On the music,_ _ **I think that that BASTARD JUST CHOSE**_ **TO STEP OFF. As for everything else?** _Before, I was just_ _ **an amped up**_ **mimic and ventriloquist. NOW? WEEEELL, ADMITTEDLY I'M** _ **STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT**_ _ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES, BUT FROM what I've managed to_ PUZZLE OUT?" He grinned eagerly. " _ **Back in Loguetown, Nami called me a 'god of noise'**_ **after I got my rig. SHE WAS EXAGGERATING THEN."**

Soundbite's grin stretched wide as an orchestra of strings sang to the heavens.

" _ **THAT TITLE ISN'T HYPERBOLE ANYMORE."**_

I felt almost _limp_ as I processed what I was hearing. And some part of my mind was actually registering that the trigger that brought about this Awakening, that his surpassing of this limit, was all just to save _me._ Humbled by a snail… some odd things had happened to me since I entered this world, but I was reasonably certain that this took the cake, and in a way I _liked_.

My musings may well have led to some sort of heartwarming moment, were it not for the fact that Hattori used that moment to prove that he took far more cues about restraint from Jabra than his master.

"So, you've managed to figure out a way to emit noise without using your throat." Hattori snorted as he swept his wing out. "What of it? Nothing's actually _changed_. The only _true_ gods in this world are the Celestial Dragons, and even with that traitorous princess you salvaged, your crew is so far below them as to be pitiful worms crawling in the muck below the scum. In the end, you and your powers are still nothing short of utterly _useless."_

Lassoo growled, and I felt my teeth grind together at the insult to Vivi, but we had _nothing_ on Soundbite's reaction.

" _Useless…"_ he muttered, his teeth clenched so hard they were creaking and his eyestalks drawn as low as they could go. "USELESS!? YOU WORTHLESS _FEATHER-RAT, I AM_ _ **SOUNDBITE,**_ **AND** **I AM THE LOUDEST SNAIL IN THE WORLD!** **HEAR ME** _**ROAR!"**_ Soundbite then flung his head back and—!

"▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅ **!"**

"GAGH!" Lassoo and I flinched and clapped our respective limbs over our ears as Soundbite howled his fury to the world. It was _literally_ painfully clear that Soundbite wasn't fully in control of his new powers yet, on account of how the very fringes of the bellow were blasting us with the compressed audio-equivalent of a live Skrillex concert.

Still, though, he had at least _some_ measure of control, on account of how while our ears were aching, the whole _world_ around us was shaking, and Hattori was drunkenly stumbling around on his talons as he clutched his head.

As fast as he'd started his audio rampage, Soundbite snapped his mouth shut and ended the din. "PUNT! _NOW!"_

"RIGHT!" I yelled louder than necessarily needed before dashing forwards, reeling my leg back and kicking the feather-rat into the wall. I _tried_ to keep running immediately after that, but I instead stumbled and had to take a second to recover before continuing to dash for the dock.

"I take it you weren't that good at soccer either, huh?" Lassoo snarked.

"I was _great_ at soccer, thank you very much!" I snapped indignantly as I kept a wary gaze over my shoulder. "That little shitstain used Iron Body, I might as well have kicked a medicine ball!"

" _JUST RUN,_ DAMN IT!"

And so indeed I ran, and soon enough I managed to reach the rear docking area of Enies Lobby. It was a simple enough place, a few cannons here and there for defense, a few stray crates obviously waiting for loading - and not a _single_ clue as to where the hell the stairs to the passageway were _damn it!_

"Soundbite, which way down?" I demanded.

" **Worry about going down later,** _ **something's coming up!"**_

I blinked at him in confusion. "Wha—?" I froze when I noticed the tilestones starting to bulge beneath my feet.

" **MOVE!"**

" _SHIT!"_ I cursed as I dove back - which, coincidentally, allowed Hattori to shoot straight above me.

"You're going to wish you hadn't done that," Hattori promised as he flapped to a halt.

"And you're about to wish you were never _born,"_ Lassoo snickered.

The pigeon paused as he blinked in confusion. "Wha—?"

 _ **BOOM!**_

"GRRROOOOOAAAAAH!"

"GAH!" Hattori flailed in panic as the dock exploded beneath him, sending up a shower of debris and…

…well, and a _monster._

" _Meep…"_ I squeaked fearfully as I shrank back from Chopper's newly looming form. It was… pretty much exactly as Oda had depicted it: an unholy fusion of all of Chopper's forms zapped with a growth ray and ten times more straight-up _feral_ than I'd ever seen him in the entire time I'd known him. At least if he'd been amping I'd be in familiar territory, but _this!?_ This was just on a totally different scale.

And there was one detail that Oda simply _couldn't_ have gotten right, simply due to the limitations of his medium: the eyes. They were round, cyan _pits_ , deep and endless and easy to get lost in.

They were simple to read, honestly, seeing as they just held one emotion within them. One emotion I read loud and clear when he stared me dead in the eye.

 _Rage._

Said rage was expressed when Chopper bellowed out and swung a keratin-fingered hand high, and I started to scramble back…

Before pausing and blinking slowly. He then turned his head to the side and started swivelling it around in order to keep track of the pigeon that was circling around his head.

"Well, now, this is a most _interesting_ development," Hattori mused. "A transformation that removes all senses of sanity? Congratulations, Cross! You get to be beaten to death by your own crewmate. Is that not—Eh?" He paused and looked at our doctor in confusion. "Wait, why is he looking at me like—WAGH!" The pigeon was forced to flap backwards when Chopper took a wild swipe at him. "Honestly!? _This_ stupid cliché!? This is _completely—DAMN!"_

"…Huh," I blinked as I watched Chopper paw after the pigeon, forcing him to retreat and frantically weave around fingers bigger than him as Chopper clambered out of the hole and started chasing after him. "I'm sort of inclined to agree, actually. I was expecting a jumbo-sized Hyde, not a jumbo-sized 'kid chasing the butterfly'."

"Yeah, you guys SUPER! overestimated this guy's new IQ."

"Eh?" I looked at the hole in shock and hastily ran over to grab Franky's free hand and haul him up to our level. Or try, at least; come on, the guy was heavy as all hell! "Good to see you're still hanging in there, Cyborg!" I nodded as I slapped him on the shoulder. "I take it you Coup de Vent'd the not-so-little guy here?"

"Yeah," Franky grunted as he cracked his neck back and forth and rolled his shoulders, all while keeping a wary eye on Chopper. "And for the record, I won't be able to use it again to get him into the sea."

"Not enough Cola?" I divined.

Franky snorted darkly. "Worse, it wouldn't actually _connect._ See, your friend may not be smart enough to speak, but he's sure got the brains he needs to _learn_. Every time I use an attack, he figures out some way to counter. Weapons Left? Dodged. Strong Right? Nearly grabbed it before I could reel it back. Fresh Fire? Guards with his hooves. And my Triangle Jackers and Master Nails techniques can't even get through that thick fur. And I just used my ace in the hole, so it looks like _that's_ out too."

"Sorry, Franky," I shrugged helplessly. "Unless divine retribution strikes him down or something, I'm fresh out of ideas."

"… _Cross?_ _ **You're not**_ **messing with us** _this time,_ **ARE YOU?"**

"Huh? No, why—?"

 _SLAM!_

"…because it would appear that you-know-who has a warped sense of humor," Lassoo deadpanned.

"I knew _that_ from the day I met Soundbite," I replied with equal dryness.

The reason for our flatness was that via some grand cosmic joke—or more likely, B.R.O.B.'s childish desire for shits and giggles—a groaning Fukuro _somehow_ wound up standing on Chopper's head, which was buried face-first in the stone of the tower.

"Well, I ain't divine by any given measure of the word," Boss grunted as he dropped out of the air and landed next to us. "But I'll accept any words of thanks or prayer as they come." He glanced up at a still-orbiting Hattori. "Huh. Honestly, I should've known you'd end up matched against the pet, Cross."

"That 'pet' carved my face open like a Thanksgiving turkey!" I snapped indignantly as I pointed at the bandage on my face. "And beyond that, why the hell haven't you managed to take out blob-boy yet!?"

Boss snorted as he tapped the ashes off his cigar. "Easy: he might hit like a pansy, but that blob's as slippery as any water I've ever swam in, and he can take normal hits easily enough."

"And since _when_ do you fall under the category of 'normal'?!" I demanded.

"I've been using the Full-Shell Style for all of fifteen minutes, give me a break!" Boss shot back with a scowl.

Meanwhile, Hattori had taken roost on Fukuro's head and was giving him a flat look. "And your own power ranking is _how high_ again?"

The zipper-mouthed assassin shot a glare back at the pigeon. "That hard-backed manatee hits like a cannon while the big-mouth _you_ were fighting is a normal human. What's _your_ excuse, chapapa?"

The avian assassin twitched minutely before refocusing on us. "What say we both just focus on the present and never mention this day ever again, agreed?"

Fukuro cracked his knuckles as he mirrored the pigeon. "Fine with me, chapa."

I took a nervous step back as I moved my hand to the pocket where I was holding my baton. "Anyone got any bright ideas?"

Franky scowled in thought for a second before adopting a cocky smirk. "Well, I didn't think that I'd have to use it so soon, but it looks like it's now or never for that super upgrade I just finished. And when I say super?" He slammed his forearms together in his trademark pose. "You _damn well_ know that I mean that it's nothing short of SUPER!"

Soundbite nodded firmly as he adopted a smirk. " **You, me and the bottle makes three,** _because I just got me AN IDEA_ _ **OF MY OWN**_ **TO KICK THAT** FEATHER-RAT'S ASS!"

Boss cracked his neck back and forth as he rolled his shoulder. "Guess I'm the bottle in that scenario, which, honestly, is fine with me." He cracked a grin of his own. "Because I think I'm about set to take that tub of lard down a peg or twenty with _my_ latest finisher."

I gave my allies searching glances with more than a little urgency as Chopper started to shift around. "You guys are sure that these moves will do the trick?"

" _Positive!"_ the three chorused

"Well, that's good to hear..."

Chopper suddenly jerked his head out of the wall and turned to face us with an outraged roar, prompting Hattori and Fukuro to Shave off of him and glare at us from his flanks.

"Because I don't think we're going to get another _shot!"_ I ground out as I slammed my fist into my palm.

"Then we'll have to make it count!" Franky nodded before snapping his hand up and his wrist open. "WEAPONS LEFT!"

Chopper snapped a hand up and blocked the blast from actually hitting him, but the explosion still drew out an aggravated growl.

"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU OVERGROWN PIECE OF VENISON!" Franky shouted as he waved his arms over his head. "COME AND GET ME!" He then turned and ran towards the waterline as Chopper charged after him.

Fukuro raised his eyebrow at the spectacle. "Well, that's that bastard taken care of, chapapa." He then narrowed his eyes. "Still though, it might be best that I _guarantee—!"_

"Rip Tide and—!"

Fukuro hastily crossed his arms in defense as Boss appeared before him.

"Iron Body: Arbitrator!"

"Squall Pistol!"

Boss shoved his flipper into the assassin's arms. The dugong scowled as the force of the impact knocked his opponent back a bit, but not much else. "Well, now _that's_ just annoying."

"Six Powers Skill: Te-Awase Ranking." Fukuro narrowed his eyes challengingly. "Boss Dugong, Power Level Two Thousand. Impressive, and higher than me, but in the end, it's just not going to be enough."

Boss snorted defiantly. "What say we _test_ that theory?"

Fukuro shoved his face in his opponent's with a snarl. "My thoughts exactly."

And with that the two Shave/Rip Tide'd out of sight, leaving Hattori and I facing one another down.

I angled my head to the side. "You ready to finish this?"

Hattori narrowed his eyes. "You have absolutely no idea."

I flexed my fingers in my gauntlets, testing the Dial-triggers within, and pulled one arm back to grab Lassoo. "Soundbite, how about some…" I unslung my cannon and took aim. " _Appropriate music_ for the climax?

" **It would BE MY** _ **PLEASURE,"**_ the snail purred.

And with that, the air filled with three different tracks of music…

"CANI-CANNON!"

"TEMPEST WING!"

And the fight began.

 **-o-**

"You know, if somebody had told me, say, a year back that I would one day end up fighting a Zoan-Type who pushed their powers to the max and went off their nut, all for the sake of helping somebody who's not a part of my family? I'd have probably laughed in their face before tossing them into the sea to sober up."

Franky chuckled dryly as he ducked under a swipe at his head.

"Guess that goes to show I'm something of a dumbass, huh? I mean, come on, it's the Grand Line! There's no such thing as 'crazy' here except for _thinking_ that someone's crazy!"

As he jumped back from another attack, both combatants paused as music filled the air. Franky stiffened before an ecstatic grin played over his face. "Oh, man, this song feels like it's speaking to my soul! It's making me feel so… _so…"_ He slammed his forearms above his head with a roar. " _SUPE—WOAH!"_

The cyborg hastily broke out of his pose to dodge another stone-cracking swipe, and nearly lost his balance as he leapt back onto the edge of the dock. "Alright, maybe a little too super. Still…" A grin stretched over his face as he felt the seawater lap at his heels, and he raised his fists into a boxing position. "Good enough. Come and get some, furball!"

"GROOOAR!" Chopper responded, lowering his head as he began… well, not quite running, but it seemed so with his size. Franky tensed his muscles, waiting until he got close enough to pick out the individual ridges on the branches of his horns before charging forward a few steps himself and dropping into a baseball slide that just _barely_ took him under the monster's bulk, with said monster digging his hooves into the stonework and forcing himself to a halt the second he registered that he'd missed.

'Barely' in this case meaning that Franky nervously patted his pompadour to make sure it was all still there once he got back to his feet. "Ye- _ow_ that was way too close! Not doing that again anytime soon, that's for sure." He smirked confidently. "At least I've still got you right where I want you, furball. What do you have to say about _that?"_

Chopper snorted and shook his fur as he stared at his opponent dully before raising his arms into—

Franky blinked in surprise as the Monster adopted a mirror of his own boxing stance. "Huh… alright, so maybe you _are_ pretty smart." He was still for a second before grinning. "Not like it changes much, because either way?" He held his arms out to his sides, elbows at ninety degree angles and fists angled towards the sky. "It's now or never to use my _SUPER!_ upgrade!"

With that, he raised his elbows up while keeping his arms stiff. "Here we go! STROOOONG LEFT!"

Franky jerked his left arm back down to a right angle, causing a foot-and-a-half rod of metal to shoot out of his elbow.

"RIGHT!" He then repeated the motion with his right arm, causing another rod to shoot out. Finally, the cyborg braced his legs and rotated his arms downward so that his fists were pointed right at Chopper.

" _COMBOOOO!"_

And with a simple shove of willpower, the piston-rods started hammering into Franky's forearms and his fists launched out from his wrists, shooting out and retracting fast enough that they seemed to multiply, pummeling the behemoth buccaneer buck a dozen times in a second before he could even consider retaliating. He moved like a death row inmate as the firing squad ended his life, flinching and recoiling at the impacts but too dazed and in pain - and mounting exhaustion from the transformation—to retaliate.

"Let me tell you something, little guy!" Franky bellowed over the sound of metal striking flesh and bone. "Usually I'm a pretty super guy, but after listening to Straw Hat beat down on that Fox Guy? After getting the idea for this upgrade? Well, it's just too bad for you, because I'll have you know that since then, I've been feeling…"

The pistons started to pound even harder.

" _Really…"_

And they pounded _harder._

" _REAAAAALLYYYYY!"_

And just like that they accelerated into _blurs._

" _SUUUUUUPAH-PAH-PAH-PAH-PAH-PAAAAAAH!"_

To the Monster's credit, it actually managed to resist under the double-fisted onslaught for all of ten seconds before one of its legs lost its traction and it pitched forwards. It instinctively lashed its arms out in a desperate attempt to catch itself, and as a result left itself open to catching over a dozen high-powered shots to its body. Said shots were enough to leave the Monster reeling, gasping in an attempt to fill its newly-bruised lungs with air.

Taking the opportunity for what it was, Franky retracted his left arm's piston and dashed forward, positioning himself below the pirate's falling chin. "And now, _SUPER!"_ He lashed his right fist up and caught the monster in its jaw _just_ as he activated his piston. "STRONG RIGHT UPPERCUT!"

The devastating blow blew the human-reindeer back onto his hooves, where he was left swaying and groaning in agony as he tried and failed to kickstart his rattled brain back into business.

Franky took a second to huff and get his breath back before allowing himself to chuckle as he popped his right piston back into place. "Ah, _man…_ let me tell you, that move is a _bitch_ to use. Those pistons hurt like hell when they come out, and not only does it need a full bottle of cola to get the motors chugging, but it drains more the longer I keep it running? Totally not cool. But hey," he shrugged as he popped his gut-fridge open and withdrew a spare pair of shades. "At least it makes up for it by being super. And you know that when I say super…"

Franky smirked as he slid his sunglasses onto his face, the ever-present sunlight glinting off of them.

"I mean… _SUPER."_

Franky held his pose for a second…

 _ **BAM!**_

"What the— _YEOW!"_

Before he was forced to dodge as _something_ shot straight through where he'd been standing a moment earlier and slammed into Chopper, causing him to sway back with a pained groan.

The cyborg snapped his head up, glasses askew as he looked around in confusion.

"What the _heck_ was that!?"

 **-o-**

Fist and flipper met cheek to cheek as Boss and Fukuro smashed a cross-counter into each other, the blows bouncing harmlessly off each others' Iron Bodies. Glaring, the two broke off, bounding back a bit to reassess their next moves.

' _This is ridiculous!'_ Fukuro silently raged. ' _Every blow I land on this guy just gets ignored due to that fucking Iron Body of his! Even the Solid Beast doesn't do much more than bruise him!'_

' _I can't believe this fatass has given me so much trouble,'_ Boss mentally grumbled. ' _My stronger blows don't land, and anything fast enough to connect doesn't have enough to punch through that ranking Iron Body of his.'_

Both of them came to the same conclusion simultaneously.

' _There's only one thing left to try.'_

And there was the difference between the two fighters. One was desperate, trying to find a gamble that could turn things around, the other merely trying something that only _might_ not work.

"It's time to end this," they chorused.

And with that, Boss moved first, adopting a _very_ specific stance: fists facing opposite one another and ready at his side. Fukuro, of course, recognized it immediately and burst out cackling.

"Chapapapapa!" Fukuro roared, clutching his gut as he laughed just out of Boss' usual attack radius. "You think you can use _that_ move!? Your Power Level and your skills might be impressive, but not even your crew's level of applied nonsense can do _that!_ The only way to use that is with intimate knowledge of the Six—!"

"The Iron Body is the root of it all," Boss intoned, his stance not wavering one bit as he glared dead ahead. "It teaches the body to be strong, so that it might withstand all forms of punishment and not rend itself apart. This must be brought to terms with the Paper Arts, so that one's muscles remain flexible even while staying _in-_ flexible."

"—…powers?"

"Shave comes next. It teaches swiftness, speed, so that one may act decisively and in an instant, and yet all thanks to a simple motion," Boss continued without pausing. "Moonwalk and Tempest Kick are a dual lesson: how to put one's full body into affecting the air around them, as well as how to weaponize the very air one jumps off of. Finally, Finger Pistol is not about technique, but mentality. One's whole body is put into use in the attack, all muscles are exerted in the motion, and thus to perform it, one must effectively transform their body into a weapon."

"Cha… pa?" the assassin squeaked, for once at an utter loss for words.

"Individually these techniques are all incredibly powerful, but when brought together in a single instant and a single action…" Boss clenched and unclenched the muscles in his fists in preparation. "They form a weapon of unparalleled might and destruction."

By now Fukuro's mouth resembled less a zipper and more an undone clasp. "H-How—?! Y-Y-You only had that scroll for ten minutes! You haven't even been able to use the Six Powers for _half an hour!"_

"And that was more than I needed by half," Boss scoffed. "Cross said you and your pals have spent your whole lives learning these Arts and how to kill. Not bad. Me? I've spent and _dedicated_ my life to learning how to _learn._ You can concentrate on mastering the one art all you want, but at the end of the day?" The dugong grit his teeth fiercely. "I am the one _who will master them all._ And mind you, that's not a boast…" The master martial-artist's gaze sharpened. "But my Man's _Dream_."

"But!" Boss lowered his head with a chuckle. "I digress. That dream… is a dream for the future. For now, however…" He drew his fists back and tensed.

Refusing to wait so much as a second longer, Fukuro Shaved at him with all the speed he could muster and rained holy hell down on his head, blow after blow smashing against the dugong's body to no avail. Boss merely closed his eyes as he weathered the strikes, his mind casting back into his own river of time.

' _Finally… After all these years… I've started to become worthy of you…'_ Memories drifted unbidden to the dugong's conscious mind as he concentrated. Memories that reflected who he was, and what he'd accomplished. ' _I've finally started on the road to follow you, Sifu…'_

 **-45 Years Ago-**

It was an average day on the shores of Alabasta. Flat-bottomed barges plied the Sandora, transporting goods up and down the great artery of the desert kingdom. Out at sea, ships from single-mast pinnaces to four-masted galleons plied the coastal waters, jockeying for Nanohana or heading to other ports.

However, the focus at the moment is not on the vessels out at sea, but rather further up the length of the Sandora River, where a group of young Kung Fu Dugong pups were waddling along the sands as they ventured into territories where their parents had _explicitly_ told them not to venture.

There were three of them, in all: the one on the left had a somewhat grouchy, stoic look on his face, the one on the right a calm countenance, and the one in the middle who was leading them bore a bold grin on his face and a somewhat oversized camo bandanna around his forehead. The one thing that all of them shared, however, was the air of eagerness about them.

[So, Rookie,] the calm one on the right said, giving their leader a sidelong grin. [We going anywhere specific today?]

[Betcha we're just wandering around again,] the grouch on the left rolled his eyes with a scoff.

[Psh, c'mon, Apprentice, don't be like that!] Rookie laughed as he elbowed his friend on his left before smiling to his right. [And to answer, Neophyte, I'll have you know that Apprentice is actually right! We don't have a destination set for today's venture, and why should we?] Rookie jumped in front of the Sandora River and struck a pose, flipper raised high in the air. [After all, while journeys with destinations are great and all, it's the ones without that are even better, because then it's all up to fate!]

He then crossed his arms and grinned a cocksure grin at his friends. [And no matter the dangers that arise, we'll face them head on and come out as champs because we are Kung Fu Dugongs, and we don't run away from _anything!_ Right, guys?]

[Right!] Neophyte nodded firmly.

[That's for damn sure,] Apprentice allowed himself a smirk.

[LUUUUUNCH!] the Sandora Lizard that burst from one of the nearby dunes bellowed before charging at them.

The pups stared at the giga-lizard in shock for a moment…

[RUN AWAY!]

Until Rookie screamed at the top of his lungs and leapt into the river, with Neophyte right behind him.

Apprentice glanced after them for a second before shaking his head and directing a glare at the tyrant lizard, falling into one of the stances he remembered from watching the older dugongs. [Bring it on,] he muttered beneath his breath.

The lizard rushed closer and closer, and the Dugong was _just_ about able to smell the absolutely rancid stench of it's breath…

[Well, now.]

 _CRUNCH!_

When suddenly the lizard was brought to a dead halt by a massive blow cracking into its skull, leaving a deep canyon in its forehead.

Apprentice gaped in shock as the one responsible for saving his life—bravado aside, he knew that the beast posed a very real danger to him—landed in front of him. It was an adult Dugong, older than any that he'd seen in his life and armed with nothing but a bamboo pole. But as he turned back to lock eyes with Apprentice, the younger Dugong felt cowed; the look in his eyes was enough on its own to show that he had lived in a way that he and his friends had only dreamed of.

[It's obvious that you've got more guts than a shark full of chum. But guts aren't enough to be able to fight against an opponent like that, especially for an unarmed pup.]

Apprentice felt stirrings of annoyance from the designation, but his incredulity beat them down with ease. [You… Who are you? You're not from the tribe.]

The old dugong chuckled. [Actually, I am. I've just been out and about for a long while and I've only just gotten back today is all. Call me…] the elder dugong glanced upwards thoughtfully for a second before shrugging. [Eh, 'Sifu' Dugong, why not. It's as good a name as any.]

Apprentice took in the dugong's nonchalant attitude after doing something so incredible as killing a Sandora Dragon, one of the most frightening beasts he knew of, with one hit and no effort. [Sifu… how strong are you?]

A glint appeared in the Dugong's eye, and his mouth turned upwards in a grin. [I was once called 'Boss,' but I passed that title on when I left to travel, and see what more the world had to offer for me. And it's been very rewarding.]

Apprentice stared at him. This was the embodiment of everything that Rookie kept going on about, and at the same time, it was the embodiment of what he was looking for. One stupid act had brought him face-to-face with what he knew he wanted out of life. And so it was that he bowed down in the sand towards the Dugong he had met barely a minute ago.

[I would learn all that you have to show me, Sifu,] Apprentice stated. [I am Apprentice Dugong, but if you will take me as your student, I will adopt the name Disciple Dugong from this day on.]

[Hmm. Gutsy and eager.] The elder dugong hummed thoughtfully, then shrugged. [Eh, what the hell. I've got nothing better to do. If that's what you so desire, stand up, Disciple, and follow me.]

With nary a thought to his friends, the newly dubbed Disciple followed Sifu into the desert, not complaining as their path directed towards the Sandora Mountains. For a good long while, neither spoke. Then, at last, Sifu broke his stride along with the silence.

[Normally I would start your training from the beginning and teach you from the basics up, but it seems to me that you're a pretty bright pup, so I'll give you the benefit of a doubt and raise the level a bit. Now…] The wizened dugong tapped his pole against the sheer rock-face they were standing in front of. [Punch this cliff in half.]

Disciple Dugong slowly turned his head to stare up at the cliff in naked shock. He observed it in silence for a few seconds before sobering his expression and cracking his neck to the side. [Right away, Sifu.]

The old master's muzzle slowly split into an eager grin.

 **~o~**

[Your endurance will be put to the test here. Today, we will be traveling the coastline to Nanohana.]

Disciple nodded in acceptance.

[The long way, of course, stretching through the territories where pirates so often prowl.]

Disciple fell motionless for several seconds before nodding again, earning another grin from the old master.

 **~o~**

[This should help significantly in building your reflexes. Economize your movements, or you'll only be stung more.]

This time, Disciple couldn't fully suppress his nervousness. Understandable, given that his teacher had bound him in chains, hung him from a tree branch, and was holding his pole beside a wasp's nest on the same branch. Regardless, wincing, the Dugong nodded again.

Sifu grinned anew as he struck the nest, moving towards the river a moment later for cover.

 **~o~**

[Now… there's an old stone tower with a fountain on top of it at the peak of Mount Sinai. Take this bottle, climb up there, fill it, and bring it back so that I can drink it.]

Disciple took the bottle from his master, noting with no surprise at this point that it was made of glass. He'd wager if asked that his master blew the sand to form it himself.

[Yes, Sifu,] Disciple nodded with no less confidence than he felt; the past eight months had been more rewarding than the years leading up to it.

But he always found the best reward to be the way his teacher's face lit up whenever he accepted a challenge, and that day was no exception.

 **~o~**

[B-But, Sifu, sir, I'm begging you! W-What about what you've learned from the places you've been over the years!?] Disciple protested desperately. [Surely, in all of your travels—!]

[You've learned all of the basics that I have to teach, my faithful disciple,] Sifu replied airily as he stared out to sea. [What I have learned in the sea is for me and me alone. The rest… only you can find it. You must form it on your own. Surely you have your own dream by now, no?]

Disciple grit his teeth in an effort to stay silent, before finally pitching forwards and kneeling in the sand. [Sifu… after all this time… _you_ are my dream! To become as great a warrior as you, as great a _man_ as you! All these years, that has been my only—!]

[Then that will be enough.]

Disciple snapped his head up and blinked through his tears. [Sifu?]

The elderly dugong smiled kindly as he placed a flipper upon his student's shoulder. [I will venture out into this world, and continue to learn, and when you are ready, I expect that you will do the same. And when you do, seek not to follow my path, but rather your own path. For though the road may be long and winding, I have faith that we shall cross again in the future. And the next time we meet… we shall see where you stand on the path to your dream. We shall see if the student has surpassed the teacher.]

Disciple scrunched his eyes shut miserably as he fought to hold back his tears, but bowed in acceptance nevertheless. [Yes, Sifu.]

He forced his eyes open, and imprinted the proud grin he had grown to see as his greatest reward to in his mind. Then the bamboo-wielder leapt into the ocean and disappeared.

He never returned.

 **~o~**

Disciple spun the woven seaweed of his rope-dart in his flippers, looking with determination at the polearm-wielding Dugongs across from him.

[Come on, Disciple, you're the one who asked for a two-on-one fight,] Chief called out as he thumbed his camo headband. [Sure you're not biting off more than you can chew?]

Disciple snorted as he gave his old friends a confident smirk. [I've got a big stomach. Hit me with your best shot!]

Lancer scoffed as he lowered his spear at him. [Your funeral, partner.]

And with that, they launched into the mother of all duels. It was incredible, it was awe-inspiring, Disciple managed to keep neck and neck with them both… but in the end the fight ended with both Chief and Lancer's spears resting at his neck.

[Damn…] Disciple bemoaned miserably.

[Eh, don't beat yourself up, you almost had us, there,] Lancer drawled as he withdrew his weapon. [You've got a lot of strength there.]

[No kidding!] Chief grinned as he rolled his muscles. [We'll have to do this again sometime, that was fun!]

Disciple sighed, but grinned wistfully, nodding in response to the challenge. [I'll manage it someday soon, you can count on it.]

They exchanged smirks and fistbumps before the other two dugongs dove into the river and swam off, leaving Disciple alone. And the second that his friends were out of sight, he turned around and smashed his flipper into the rock face behind him.

He scowled ferociously as the resulting crack only reached halfway to the top.

[Damn… still a ways to go…] he sighed.

 **~o~**

[And… just who are you four supposed to be?] Disciple regarded the quartet of pups before him dryly.

[I'm Leo, the leader!]

[I'm Mikey, the funny guy!]

[I'm Raphey, the tough one!]

[And I'm Donny, the one who picked all the names! _And together, we are—!]_

[The Mega Duper Super—!]

[Mikey's Mega Kickass—!]

[The Epicly Incredible—!]

There was a moment of silence, and then Disciple felt his eyebrow twitch irritably as the four huddled up and started whispering with one another. Soon enough, however, they split up and lined up before him.

[OK, so we're still working on the group name… but we can all agree on the reason that we're here, at least!] Leo said.

In near-perfect unison, the four of them bowed to him. [You're the most badass Dugong in Alabasta, please train us!] they requested.

Disciple cocked his eyebrow flatly. [And… why should I?]

[PLEASE!] Mikey broke formation and fell on his 'knees' as he pleaded desperately. [You're our last hope!]

[Mikey!] Raphey snapped irritably.

[He's not wrong though…] Donny bemoaned.

[We've already tried all the other masters,] Leo explained. [But nobody will take on all four of us at once. We know it's stupid and we're not really related by blood, but…] The four exchanged solemn looks. [It's always been us four, for as long as we can remember, us against the world. We have to train together, it's our only option. So… please…]

All four bowed their heads as one. [Please train us!]

Disciple regarded the pups emotionlessly for a minute… before looking away with a weary sigh. [Well, if this is what you _really_ want, then so be it. I shall train you as my master trained me.]

The young pups grinned ecstatically and started exchanging high fives with one another.

[Now!] Disciple barked, snapping them out of their celebration as he snapped a flipper out and pointed to his side. [Your first training task: Punch that cliff in half!]

The dugong heaved a weary sigh as his new students were suddenly paralyzed in shock.

[We've got a _long_ road ahead of us…]

 **~o~**

[Alright, pups!] Disciple barked to his students, who were all wobbling sleepily. [This is your _second_ training task.]

His flipper snapped out, revealing a small, silvery fish to be wriggling in his palm.

[These are the chief's favorite fish for when he's training,] Disciple explained. [Your task will be to assist me in delivering them for his breakfast.]

Donny—where they'd gotten those names or those colored bandannas, he had no idea, but at least it made differentiating them a little easier—raised a flipper.

[Yes, Donny?]

[This is going to be nowhere _near_ as easy as it seems, is it?]

[Very perceptive!] Disciple stated. [Yes, there is a catch: the chief likes to train in the high altitudes of the Sandora mountains.]

For a moment, there was silence.

[The Sandora Mountains,] Leo clarified, his brow twitching furiously. [The Sandora Mountains that feed the Sandora River. The Sandora Mountains that are a good _hundred miles away_ and are the _breeding grounds_ for the biggest, meanest Bananagators in _all_ of Alabasta _._ Those Sandora Mountains.]

[Yes, which is why as soon as you catch your fish, we'll be going,] Disciple stated. When his students didn't move, he turned a glare on them. [That means _now,_ softshells!]

As his students frantically dove into the river, Disciple turned contemplative. [Maybe I should tell them about the cataracts,] he mused. [Or the inland delta with the Accelegators and the mud. Or that ornery old Catfish up the waterfall.] After a moment of thought, he shrugged. [Eh, it'll be a good experience for them.]

 **~o~**

[Alright, students,] Disciple announced. [This time we'll be doing reflex training.]

[Then… _why_ are you tying us to this tree?] Raphey asked.

[No clue, but look on the bright side: At least we can get honey from those bees afterward,] Mikey pointed out, not noticing his fellow students stiffening in horrified realization.

[Don't worry, all will be made clear in a moment,] Disciple said as he waddled up to the buzzing beehive. Gingerly reaching up, he gave the honeycomb a solid whack—and immediately made a leaping dive into the river.

[YAAAAAAARGH! BEEEEEEEEEEES!]

[Economize your movements, or you'll only get stung more!] Disciple called out as his students frantically tried to avoid the bees. [And above all else, remember to work together!]

Raphey and Mikey chose that exact moment to slam face-first into one another in their panic and knock each other out.

[What part of ' _work together'_ are you failing to understand, dagnabbit!?]

[Core—OW!—concept, I think, sir!] Donny yelped.

[Ergh…] Disciple bemoaned as he ground the heel of his flipper into his forehead.

 **~o~**

Disciple huffed heavily as he stood on the skull of a concussed Sandora Catfish, scowling darkly as he ran his thoughts over in his head. The Catfish he'd just taken down was _supposed_ to be the day's assignment for his students, a mile-marker for them. They were supposed to work together, they were _supposed_ to take it down with ease, but instead…

Disciple glanced over his shoulder at the coastline, where his students were wait-no, _bickering,_ at the coastline where three of his students were _bickering_ with one another, while the fourth—

[I'm still alive, in case anyone cares…] Mikey groaned through his bruises as he raised a shaky flipper.

He received another fist to his face as way of response. [The only reason I 'care' is that it means I need to try harder to beat your face in, you damn idiot!] Raphey raged irately.

[Hey, back off, you damn berserker!] Leo shoved her back as he snarled in her face. [Mikey was just kidding around, we wouldn't have gotten into that damn mess in the first place if you hadn't gone off the handle!]

[Thanks, Leo…]

[Shut it, Mikey,] the blue-bandanna'd dugong snapped. [I'm still pissed at you and I'll get to you in a second, but only _after_ I'm through with this nutjob!]

[Bring it the hell on, you big-headed bastard!] Raphey butted her head against his.

[Come on guys, quit it, there's no need to—!]

[STAY OUT OF IT, DONNY!] the two paired snapped a vicious snarl at him.

The purple-wearing Dugong flinched back fearfully before shooting a fearful look at Disciple. [Master, could you _please_ help me stop them? If they keep—! Going…?] Donny trailed off in confusion as he realized that his master wasn't on the Catfish anymore. A quick look around revealed that Disciple was—

[Master, where are you going?] Donny asked, drawing the other three away from their quarreling to notice that their teacher was leaving, an air of depression about him.

[Leaving,] Disciple called back emotionlessly.

Donny flinched slightly at the tone. [Ah… a-alright, then, when are we going to meet again for more-?]

[We won't be,] Disciple cut him off sternly. [I'm done teaching you. Find a new master.]

[EH!?] The quartet yelped in shock.

[Master, no!]

[This can't be happening!]

[I'm sorry, I'll stop making puns, I swear!]

[Master, we apologize sincerely, and we realize it looks like we're pretty damn hopeless, but—!]

[Wrong,] Disciple snapped again. [You're not the hopeless ones here,] the dugong clenched his flippers and bowed his head. [I am.]

All four looked after him in shock.

[You four are excellent warriors, I don't doubt any of the potential you show for even a second. You're all fine students, so the only reason for you not to be making any progress here, through the training that my Sifu gave me, the methods I trained through…] Disciple grit his teeth grimly. [Is that I'm not properly doing my job of instructing you, of helping you to become the best warriors you can possibly be.]

The dugong shook his head solemnly. [I failed my Sifu, and I failed you. I'm sorry that I wasted your time.]

Before any of the quartet could say anything further, he dove into the water and swam off.

 **~o~**

The next morning found Disciple going about his daily routine as the rays of the sunrise woke him up.

He grabbed some dried salmon from his stash, he polished his shell, lit a new cigar, combed through the braided seaweed of his rope-dart for any parasites that might have taken root in the night and he was _about_ to stride into the surf for his daily morning swim…

When his routine was rudely interrupted by his tripping over something that hadn't been there the night before.

Once he recovered from his impromptu faceplant, Disciple was able to swiftly identify the reason behind the disruption of his routine: namely, a quartet of Dugong pups who were all passed out on what amounted to his front porch.

Disciple stared at the sleeping forms of his _ex-_ students for a moment before scowling darkly. He opened his muzzle to start to chew them out… before pausing in confusion as the off-beat lapping of the waves hit his ears.

The older dugong turned on his tail and promptly froze in utter shock, and for good reason too. After all, it wasn't every day that one bore witness to the sight of the surface of the Sandora River being covered from shore to shore with _dozens_ of pummeled Sandora Catfish.

Disciple observed the minor Sea Kings' insensate forms for a moment before turning his attention back to his students. Without the haze of anger clouding his vision, he was able to notice that they weren't _only_ sleeping on his turf, but rather they were sleeping off a rather impressive array of injuries.

Injuries that synched up with, say, taking on a horde of carnivorous fish ten times their own size.

Disciple was silent for a few minutes longer before scratching the back of his head with a sigh. [Ahhh, geeze… of all the things I _had_ to succeed at teaching and it was _this?]_ He kept his head bowed a moment longer before allowing a smirk to tug at his muzzle. [Tch… oh, what the hell. If this is what they _really_ want…]

With that, Disciple brought his flipper to his lips and _whistled,_ prompting his students to jerk awake with cries of shock.

[AT _EEEEN-_ HUT!] Disciple barked imperiously, prompting his students to snap to attention before they were fully awake.

Leo blinked blearily as he tried to get his mind in working order. [What the—?]

[WELL!] Disciple roared, causing his students to jump anew before flinching back as they realized just what kind of a position they were in. They then cowered as Disciple pinned them all with a chilling glare and started pacing back and forth grimly. [You all defied my refusal to continue training you, went up against impossible odds, and only _just_ managed to erk out a victory, all for the sake of impressing me. Did I get all that right?]

The four exchanged nervous glances before nodding hesitantly. [Yes, Master…]

Disciple was silent for a moment before snorting heavily. [This little stunt of yours tells me two things. First?] The teacher shot his students a cocky smirk. [That I'm obviously doing something _right_ where your training is concerned, so I guess I might as well continue your training.]

The quartet promptly adopted euphoric grins and started cheering as they exchanged victorious high-fives and chest-bumps.

[Second!] Disciple forged onwards. [It's _equally_ obvious that I have been severely underestimating your capabilities, and as such I will be adjusting your training appropriately. In short… weeell, I suggest that you all catch what sleep you can.] He adopted a vicious smirk. [Because in six hours, we're running a raid on the Bananagator's Nest, and there's _nothing_ they love more than the smell of Catfish blood.]

The four pups froze as expressions of utter horror washed over their faces… before their eyes rolled up in their heads and they collapsed backwards.

Disciple cocked his eyebrow at them for a second before snickering and grinding the butt of his cigar between his teeth. [Heh. Buncha wimpy-ass anchovies.]

 **~o~**

[Go with them.]

[Eh?] Disciple blinked over his shoulder in confusion, his contemplation of the sea broken by none of other than Chief Dugong, who was standing behind him and smiling his usual happy-go-lucky smile. [What are you—?]

[Go with the Straw Hats,] Chief Dugong re-emphasized with a chuckle. [You have my blessing. Go with them, go out to sea and chase your dreams. Show the world the true might of the Kung Fu Dugongs…] Chief's smile widened prominently. [ _Boss_ Dugong.]

Disciple started in shock. [Bo—!? What!? C-Chief, Boss is a name reserved for only the strongest of Dugongs, f-for our leader, and that's—!]

[You,] Chief cut Disciple off flatly. [It's always been you, from day one. I might be a happy-go-lucky fellow, sure, but do you really think that neither I nor Lancer Dugong couldn't tell? You think we didn't know sandbagging when we saw it?]

Disciple flinched and looked away hesitantly. [Well, I…]

Chief chuckled lightly as he clapped a hand on his friend's shoulder. [You've always been the strongest, you've always been our chief… but we knew that wasn't what you wanted. You didn't want to lead, you wanted to learn and grow so I let it slide up until now. And now… now I'm doing what's right. So here,] Chief reached up, undid his bandanna and held it out to Disciple. [Take it.]

Disciple stared at the camo cloth in shock. [C-chief, that's—!]

[My prized possession, yes.] Chief confirmed solemnly. [I want you to take it. Take my bandanna and my title, _your_ rightful title, and take with you the pride of all Kung Fu Dugongs in the process. Take it all… and show the world who we really are. Show them all who _you_ really are. Chase your dream… and fulfill it before the eyes of the world.]

Disciple stared at his friend in shock for a second before slowly taking the bandanna from him and staring at it numbly. [I… I don't know what to say…]

[That would be 'yes.']

The other Dugong swallowed heavily at that… before finally raising it and tying it around his head. [Thank you…] Boss Dugong whispered reverently.

[Thank me by becoming the best of us there ever was or will be,] Chief stated as he clapped his friend's shoulder before adopting a smirk. [And by taking those hellions of yours with you, so that I'm not forced to watch them every waking moment to keep them from jumping ship. Got it?]

Boss barked out a teary laugh as he snapped out a salute. [Yes, _sir!]_

 **-Present-**

Boss allowed himself a slight smile as he cracked his eyes open, returning to the present. "Six Arts made by Six Kings…" he whispered.

"D-Damn you…" Fukuro huffed from exertion as he reared his fist back. "TAKE THIS! SOLID BEAST!"

The punch slammed into Boss' muzzle—and unlike the last time the attack had actually landed, the dugong didn't budge a single _centimeter_.

"Six Arts made by Six Kings, each King ruling over a grand ocean as wide and deep as the sky. Six Oceans that form the world: East Blue, North Blue—"

Only… it was more than him just staying in place. Dimly, Fukuro became aware that his hands actually hurt from punching the Dugong. Hurt enough that he was getting a Power Level reading. A Power Level reading that he dearly, dearly hoped was a mistake. Because there was no way the animal could have leaped from a notch below Jabra and Kaku to pushing _Rob Lucci._

"—West Blue, South Blue—"

But if there was one thing, above all else, that had been pounded into him by his training, it was this: Power Levels didn't lie.

"SHAVE!" Fukuro frantically yelped, blurring away as fast as his legs could push him.

"Paradise…"

A hum, and Fukuro hastily clamped on the brakes as Boss appeared _right in front of him_.

"And New World."

Sadly for the assassin, it was too little too late, and as his momentum carried him forwards against his will, Fukuro hastily packed on the hardest Iron Body he was physically capable of before he slid into Boss' outstretched fists.

"Full-Shell Style: Six Oceans Gun."

Said Iron Body shattered like so much glass beneath the sheer and utter _force_ that crunched into his gut, knocking him unconcious in an instant.

The force was, in fact, so strong that it then sent the rotund assassin flying back like a cannonball, following which he slammed-

"YEOW!"

Right into Chopper's stunned form.

Boss huffed and puffed as he watched Fukuro bounce onto the dock, taking a moment to catch his breath.

Once he was sure that his opponent was truly down and out and that the full-body ache from the half-powered attack had gone down, he lashed his fist out and slammed a backhanded punch into the wall of the Tower of Justice. He held the pose for a second before allowing himself to glance up. He promptly adopted a smirk in response to what he saw.

"What the heck was _that!?"_ Franky shouted at him in shock.

Boss chuckled to himself as he bowed his head, turning his back on the newly formed crack that ran up the entire bottom half of the split tower.

"That, my friend," he announced proudly as he puffed on his cigar. "Was me finally starting to make good on a promise."

Before anything further could be said, the world suddenly fell... silent.

Boss glanced up in confusion. He opened his mouth to say something-

And then the very world seemed to _roar._

 **-o-**

Fighting Hattori was both easier and harder on the Tower's sea landing than in the stairwell. Easier, because I had more room to maneuver and could aim properly with Lassoo, forcing Hattori to stick to ranged attacks lest he be turned into roast pigeon by time-fused baseballs. Harder, on the other hand, because the _exact same thing_ applied to Hattori. He was ducking and weaving and barrell rolling around the exploding baseballs like a goddamn pro and I had yet to land an actual _hit_ on him yet.

In other words, we were at a stalemate. The real loser of the battle was the masonry around us, which we were abusing like… like… oh hell, I don't know, something mildly offensive. I was tired as all hell and _sick of this damn fight_ , I didn't have time for quips!

"Hey, birdbrain!" I called up as I dodged out of the way of yet _another_ Tempest Wing and retaliated with a Cani-Blaze. "I'm getting _real_ sick of this here pissing contest! What do you say we finish this off like true and proper _men?"_

"Two final ultimate attacks launched at the same time?" Hattori called down.

"Strongest takes all," I confirmed as I raised my cannon.

"Very well, Cross," Hattori declared with a nod as he flapped to a halt. "I accept your challenge!" And with that, he wheeled around and started flying off into the distance.

"What's he doing?" I muttered, before jerking in shock as a visible sheen came over his wings. Then he started _spinning_. "Ooooh that can't be good…" I whispered before giving Soundbite a hesitant look. "How good would you say this so-called surefire move of yours is?"

" **Put it this way…"** Soundbite leaned his head to the side with a smirk. " _You're gonna wanna_ _ **take a knee."**_

Lassoo and I exchanged wary glances, but I complied nonetheless and did as Soundbite ordered before raising Lassoo to aim at the bird. "Now what?"

Soundbite clenched his eyes shut in concentration. "LASSOO, _you need to time_ **your bomb to go off** _ **a foot in front of the RAT.**_ **CAN YOU DO THAT?"**

"Yeah, but he'll just dodge again," Lassoo warned him.

" _THE HELL HE WILL._ _ **DO IT."**_

"If you say so…" the dog grunted wearily.

I gritted my teeth nervously as I watched the cyclone of _death_ that Hattori had become rocket ever closer. "Soundbite…"

" **Hattori was wrong earlier,** _ **you know?"**_ Soundbite replied calmly. " _ **I DON'T JUST**_ _PROJECT MY VOICE._ RATHER… IT'S LIKE I HAVE CONTROL _of the world's mixer board."_

" _Soundbite,"_ I stressed as the killer bird shot closer.

"I CAN TELL **that you're confused. THAT'S FAIR.** _ **JUST LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION:**_ _When is a sound at its utter loudest?"_

I opened my mouth to tell my snail to stop _screwing around—!_ … and then I found that I couldn't.

In fact, I found that I couldn't say _anything_ at all. Say _or_ hear, for that matter. No matter how much I strained my ears, no matter what I tried, the world was…

"A SOUND IS AT ITS LOUDEST…" Soundbite opened his eyes and regarded Hattori with a firm glare. " **WHEN IT OCCURS IN UTTER SILENCE.** _ **FIRE."**_

I promptly complied, pulling Lassoo's trigger and blasting a baseball bomb at our ever-approaching enemy.

" **In the land of silence,"** Soundbite scrunched his eyestalks shut and bowed them as he whispered.

A foot away from the cyclone that was Hattori, the bomb detonated in a blast of smoke and fire.

" **He who has a voice."**

Hattori ducked up and over the blast, avoiding it entirely.

" **Is GOD!"** Soundbite snapped his eyestalks up with a furious glare. " **GASTRO-CANI-COMBO:** _ **BASS CANNON!"**_

And before the pigeon could react, the _sound_ of the explosion smashed into him like a freight train, slapping him out of the air like the hand of God itself.

It was… awe-inspiring really. Even without being in the direct line of the attack, the sheer volume was enough that it felt like the whole world were exploding at once. And Hattori wasn't the only one struck either, because a wave of noise _also_ smashed into Chopper and Fukuro, blasting them into the water.

And then, as swift as it started, the noise ended and all that was left was the crashing of the waves and a slight ringing in our ears.

The moment of peace was broken by Hattori's limp and bloodied form slamming into the dock.

Soundbite preened proudly. " **Am I badass** _ **or what?"**_

I promptly got my wits back and shot a victorious grin at him. "You just polarized the volumes of that explosion and the world so that the explosion would be loud enough to hit like a physical _force!_ That is _so_ badass!"

"The most badass of _all!"_ Lassoo howled.

" **THANK YOU,** _thank you!"_ Soundbite bowed his head proudly.

Franky gaped in awe for a moment before getting back the wherewithal to cackle. "God _damn_ that is one _SUPER!_ snail!"

"Psh," Boss scoffed as he ground the heel of his palm into his forehead, barely hiding hte smile he was sporting. "Speak for yourself, you don't have to live with him. He's going to be so _insufferable…"_

 _That_ got my attention, and I goggled at the dugong in shock. "What the hell are you still doing here!?"

"Eh?" Boss blinked at me in confusion. "What are you—?"

"We have an _anchor_ sinking! _Move,_ Boss, _MOVE!"_

"SHIT!" the Dugong cursed furiously before diving into the water.

"And you!" I snapped at Franky as I jogged over to him. "Bottle of Cola, now!"

"What!?" Franky scoffed incredulously. "What do I look like to you, a walking fridge?!"

I gave him a flat look as I jabbed a finger into his abdominals. "Honestly? Yes. More specifically," I jerked my thumb at Soundbite. "You look like someone with an available beverage with which I can clear my snail's _flour-clogged_ gullet. Look, he just needs a mouthful to gargle, so hand it over, alright?"

Franky rolled his eyes with an aggravated growl as he popped his gut open and took out his last remaining bottle, causing his pompadour to droop. "Fine. But for the record, I don't like the idea of backwash, got it?"

" _Trust me, THIS IS AS_ PLEASANT FOR ME **as it is for you,"** Soundbite assured him as I stuck the bottle between his teeth and took in a mouthful.

"Whatever you say. So, anyways," Franky turned his attention to the Bridge off in the distance. "Mind if I ask you a question while we wait for Boss?"

"You just did," I smirked.

"Tsk, smartass. Anyways, you got an idea for how we're getting off this rock?"

"Eh…" I waved my hand casually. "An idea, yeah. You'll see."

"Not gonna specify, huh? Lemme guess, then…" Franky smirked as he pointed at the bridge. "We'll be pulling some turnabout and commandeering one of those battleships over there, aren't we?"

I chuckled. "Well, maybe we'll do that as a backup, and we'll certainly have to try raiding the—BATTLESHIPS?!" I howled as I snapped my _full_ attention to the Bridge for the first time.

" _ **PFFFFFT!"**_

"YEOW, WATCH THE COLA, DAMN IT!"

I pointedly ignored the cyborg in favor of staring at not one, but _two_ separate Battleships flanking the Bridge of Hesitation.

Usopp hadn't reported the Gates opening, and they sure the hell didn't open while we were approaching… which meant that they'd been there since before we'd arrived.

And that… that could only mean one thing.

"There are reinforcements waiting on the Bridge…" I whispered in horror. " _Shit."_

 **-o-**

"This… isn't good," Su summarized weakly as she cowered behind her partner's back.

The sentiment was one that was shared by all members of the extraction team on the Bridge of Hesitation, on account of the opponents they were currently facing.

Not the mob of Marine soldiers before them, no, they could have handled them with relative ease.

Rather… the issue at the moment was the pair of figures who were _leading_ the Marines, and standing right in between them and their crewmate.

"Hmph," a large, heavyset, practically _ape-like_ Marine grunted as he cocked the rifle he was carrying, holding it with a precision and subtlety that his frame belied. "So, the pirates actually managed to reach us. How unfortunate. I'd hoped that we'd have been able to accomplish this mission without bloodshed."

"As if their presence makes a difference, _KAPOW!"_ The other Marine, a relatively fit man wearing a flamboyant headpiece and goggles, cried as he struck a pose. "We are the heroes of Justice, PCHOO! And they are the villainous pirates, BLAM! We'll beat them and walk away scott free, it's only natural, _WABAM!"_ The goggle-wearer then brought his arms up defensively, his forearms starting to spin into blurs. "Are you ready, Captain Gorilla, VROOM!?"

The animal-ish Captain snorted as he levelled his rifle at the pirates. "I said I 'hoped' we wouldn't get into a fight, Captain Sharinguru. Don't take that to mean that I'm neglectful."

"HAHAHA! THAT'S RIGHT! GORILLA, SHARINGURU, CHARGE! GET THEM!" Spandam yelled joyfully as he continued dragging a furiously resisting Robin down the bridge, flanked by a number of shield-toting soldiers to guard him from the sniper that had been bombarding them from the Tower of Justice. " _SHOW THEM THE TRUE MIGHT OF THE MARINES! WAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"_

Vivi and Conis took a second to digest their situation before exchanging panicked glances.

" _Shit."_

 **Cross-Brain AN: September 19th again. A full year has now passed. Happy birthday to** _ **This Bites!**_ **, and happy International Talk Like A Pirate Day as well. Yes, loyal fans, believe it or not, this story's birthday is the same as that holiday. Unintentional, but hey, now you have every reason to celebrate it from now on!**


	44. Chapter 41 - Enies Lobby Pt 3

**Chapter 41**

 **Patient AN: Aiming for a massive word count is all well and good, but this was just getting silly. Seriously, loyal fans, at the rate we were going, we were likely to hit 50,000 words, and though Ego thought it would be a good reward for your** _ **patience**_ **to do that, I pointed out that you may not have the** _ **patience**_ **to read through such a monster. So, nothing for it but to give you this, and leave you with another trademark of the Cross-Brain.**

 **Xomniac AN: Our supremely sadistic beyond all reason cliffhangers that leave you salivating for more and more. Plus it gives us an extra payday, of course. :D**

 **And hey, we're sorry for the scare earlier, but surely you'll forgive us, right? Because… we're brilliant. XD**

 **Patient AN: Brilliant trolls, that is. Though it seems we may have to step up our game in the future…**

 **UPDATED Xomniac AN: Blah, no one took the bait. We're off our game XP**

" _Tow, tow, tow your boat, gently 'cross the maelstroms—"_

"'Gently' my ass!" I moaned as I held on for dear life to the side of the rowboat. Damn it, I hadn't been seasick once in the past six months, I was _not_ going to break my streak— _hurp!—_ now!

 _SPLASH!_

"Ergh…" Even _if_ the damn thing was moving faster than any rowboat was ever meant to go…

"Aww, what's wrong, Cross, got a weak stomach?" Lassoo chuckled as he leered over my shoulder.

"I've got some motion-sickness medicine if you want it!" Chopper offered, before lowering his hoof with a hesitant look over his shoulder. "Though… all of this motion might have made it unstable…"

"NICE CATCH- _22,_ _ **doc!"**_

"So there's a design flaw, sue me!"

"Well, if you're gonna ralph, normally I'd recommend you doing it over the edge." Franky grimaced as he glanced at the waters frothing below us. "But honestly, given how fast these things are moving, that might not be the best of ideas. What goes around comes around and all that, ya know?"

"If I get puke in my face, then you're _all_ going for a swim!" Boss barked indignantly over his shoulder as he all but dug through the maelstroms' savage waters. "And would the rest of you _cram it_ _already!?_ This is a lot more complicated than just bullrushing through the water, I need to _concentrate_ to keep us from getting sucked under, damn it!"

"My sincerest apologies…" I moaned miserably as I clutched at my stomach. "I'll try and stay _quiet_ as my gut crawls out of my mouth…"

"Much appreciated! Now, hang on, we've got a bit one comin' right at us!"

I hastily clamped down on the boat's edge as we went over yet another wave. Damn it, it was one thing to go through rough weather on a tub as big and strong as Merry, but in a boat _this_ small, the effect was way— _urp!_

Ugh, how the hell did I get in this mess in the first place…

Oh, right, it was _my_ idea.

 **-Flashback-**

"So." Franky cocked an eyebrow as he watched Boss pump the last of the water out of Chopper. "How long do we have until Doc Monster—?"

"Soundbite—!" I started hastily.

" **EVERYBODY HAD MATCHING TOWELS!"**

I hung my head with a moan. "Ugh… and now I can't even _gag_ you to shut you up, perfect."

" _Bleh!"_

Franky sent a curious glance our way, eyebrow still cocked, before looking back at our non-human comrades. "Aaanyway… how long until the little guy wakes up?"

"Ah…" I glanced upwards as I tapped my chin in thought. "Well, seeing as his body is exhausted from undergoing a huge amount of stress, normally it would take a while to recover."

"But…?" Lassoo prompted.

" _But,"_ I nodded in agreement as I shot an uncomfortable glance at the battleships flanking the Bridge. "Right now, it's better that we be hauling conscious dead-weight into a battlefield than unconscious. Sooo… Boss, you might wanna step back a bit."

I cleared my throat as the Dugong backed off, and once he was a safe distance away…

"Chopper, if you wake up right now, I promise that when I die I'll donate my body to science!" I barked, already in pre-flinch.

" **I WANT THAT IN WRITING!"**

I wasn't disappointed. Nobody even blinked as Chopper snapped up into a sitting position, a mad glint in his very, very conscious eyes. The next second, however, he blinked the madness away… and promptly flopped onto his back. It took a minute of struggle for him to properly process the situation, and once he sent a fearful glance my way. "Um… how… bad was it?"

"Nowhere near as bad as we thought," I reassured him. "We'll cover the details later, but for now, you can rest assured that you _didn't_ hurt anyone except our enemies, so don't worry about it."

Franky coughed something under his breath, but Boss was quick to shut him up with an elbow in his side. Chopper didn't notice as he nodded, clearly mollified, but frowned as he tried to force his body to move. Key word being 'tried', and when he got only a few errant twitches in response, the frown turned into an outright grimace. "How much fighting do we have left?"

"Mmph…" I grunted as I wavered my hand back and forth. "The worst is over, but we're taking a step down from quality for a massive step up in quantity real fast."

Chopper glanced upwards, his eyes darting back and forth in thought, and after a moment he attempted to shift onto his side, the inevitable failure drawing an aggravated sigh from his lips. "Alright. Look in my backpack, there should be a metal-plated tool roll in there that has my syringes in it. You're looking for a red-filled one labelled J-52."

"Let me guess…" I mused as I complied with his instructions and held up the needle in question, tapping out any air bubbles in it. "Adrenal serum? And going by these _very_ clear skull-labels you have on it… experimental?" His silence was answer enough. "How much of a blowback are we talking here?"

"By my estimates and the current state of my body, I'd say…" Chopper mused. "It'll energize me for twelve hours, then I'm going to sleep like a corpse for twice as long. Sound like a good cost-benefit?"

"If this works?" I scoffed. "I'll use you as a plushie once we're done, for all I care. Now, how do I get this into you?"

"You need to find a vein on me somewhere, preferrably my arm." The human-Zoan shifted his arm slightly, scowling at it. "It'll be a bit hard because of my fur, but—!"

Before he could say anything further, Franky snatched the syringe out of my hand, flipped it into a reverse grip and slammed into Chopper's chest.

"YEARGH!" Chopper howled as he shot to his hooves—no, feet, he was in Muscle Point—and ripped the syringe out of his chest before snarling in the cyborg's face. " _WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU DAMN ASSHOLE!? DO YOU HAVE_ ANY _IDEA JUST HOW BONE-DEAD STUPID THAT KIND OF A STUNT IS?! YOU JUST BROKE THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH IN A DOZEN DIFFERENT WAYS, I SHOULD SUE YOU FOR MALPRACTICE!"_

"First off, I never took no hypocritical whatever, and second, it _worked_ , didn't it?" Franky huffed as he crossed his arms, entirely unaffected by my crewmate's fury. "'Sides, it works faster that way anyway; I've got enough experience where ODs are concerned to know that."

" _ **Yoooouuuu…"**_ Chopper snarled as he strangled the air above Franky's shoulders.

"UH, ' _scuse me?_ _ **Any other time,**_ **I'D JOIN IN** _ **THE BANTER,**_ _BUT WE HAVE A SITUATION!"_ Soundbite chimed in. " _HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET TO_ **that bridge** _ **without passing**_ _Luffy's_ **DUEL TO THE DEATH?** ' _ **CAUSE I DON'T KNOW**_ _about you guys, but_ I DON'T LIKE OUR ODDS!"

The reindeer twitched for a moment before huffing and shrinking back down to Brain Point. "To be continued…"

"Hmph," Boss snorted. "I could get there easily, but I see your point. The rest of you can't Tidal Swim, and there isn't a boat in a hundred miles that can withstand _those_ hell-pools." To punctuate the point, a passing seabird landed on the waters—and was promptly sucked in with nary a squawk.

I allowed a smirk to come over my expression as I scanned the docks. "Oh, now, I wouldn't quite say _that."_ My smirk widened as I caught sight of my intended target and pointed. "Look, see? There's a rowboat we can use."

Boss eyed the rinky-dink tub for a second before affixing me with a flat look. "I've said this plenty of times before, usually half-joking, but now I say it with the utmost sincerity: You're _mad."_

"Do I need to give your head another check, Cross, because I will!" Chopper concurred.

"Now, now, hear me out," I said placatingly. "I realize that this must _sound_ insane, but really, all we need to do to make that vessel seaworthy is say four simple words!"

"Oh, yeah?" Boss cocked a thoroughly unimpressed eyebrow, which was quite a feat, seeing as he didn't actually have brows. "And what would those words be?"

Upon that prompting, I spun on my heel and pointed. "Franky, do the—!" My words died in my throat when I realized that Franky was, in fact, gone. "Thing… what the—?"

"Gimme a second, will you?" the voice of the cyborg in question spoke up—from the direction of the boat!?

Five jaws crashed through the dock as we snapped our heads around and observed the result of taking our eyes off of Franky for ten seconds.

"I'm not quite satisfied with the veneer on the aft side…" the shipwright-cum-mob-boss groused as he ran his hand over the now deluxe-grade rowboat's hull.

I gaped for a second longer before forcing my jaw to snap shut. "Franky? You're nitpicking after you just turned a flimsy, common rowboat into the most downright awesome rowboat outside of Mariejois in ten seconds flat!" I pointed out, too awestruck to be exasperated.

"Nine-point-six-five seconds, actually," Franky snorted in disgust. "That fight with the little guy took it out of me. I mean, you can tell just from looking at my work!"

We all gave the rowboat—nay, the miniature _ship!_ —a look before Boss coughed uncomfortably. "Alright, I'll bite: what makes this boat so subpar in your eyes?"

"Well, just for starters, no gun emplacement."

Boss raised a flipper and opened his mouth before slowly closing it. "…Withdrawn. Because I have _no_ response to that," he muttered.

"I don't think there _is_ a response to that…" Chopper offered.

 _That_ managed to get my brain into gear. "I can think of _one."_ So saying, I snatched up a nearby coil of rope and tossed it to Boss.

"Strap up," I grinned eagerly. "It's time for us to go out there and be Big Damn Heroes."

My grin grew wider in response to the ones everyone was now sporting.

 **-Present-**

Another lurch shook me out of my reminiscing, and I looked up to see how much time I had left before I got off this legitimately _psychotic_ ride.

The bad news on that front was that the World Government _clearly_ didn't want anybody unwelcome getting even _close_ to the Bridge of Hesitation, because these damn whirlpools were massive and we were a _hell_ of a ways away.

Hell, it looked like we were barely even halfway there!

In an attempt to distract myself, I began considering exactly what I could and would do to Spandam once we got there, but my thoughts were cut off yet again, only _this_ time, it was on account of the smoke and muzzle flashes that started showing up along the top of the Bridge.

And that could only mean one thing.

"Looks like your girls are running into some resistance," Franky said, voicing my own conclusion.

I nodded in numb agreement as I felt cold sweat run down my neck along with the saltwater spray. "Here's hoping that they're strong enough to either hold the line or break their enemies until we get there."

' _Or else we're screwed,'_ I didn't add.

 **-o-**

"Captain?"

"Mmm?"

"You _do_ realize that the only reason I haven't mutinied is the fact that we're currently experiencing a _bullshit amount of good luck_ , worthy of the Straw Hat Pirates, right?"

"Mmm-hmm…"

"Just wanted to check." With that, the Barto Club's first mate stood up from the prow and started walking aft, dutifully observing his crewmates as they went about their respective businesses. It was a somewhat dull job, admittedly, given how nobody had much anything to _do,_ but it was a task that had to be done. After all, _somebody_ had to keep the thoroughly undisciplined crew in check _somehow_. Even if, more often than not, that 'discipline' resulted in distributing a few extra concussions.

A hand hesitantly tugging on his sleeve broke him out of his patrol, and he looked with no surprise to see Miss Valentine standing there, a vacant look in her eyes.

"Let me guess: you want to know if this is a dream, right?" he deadpanned.

"Can you really blame me for asking more than once when we're in a situation like this?" she droned, her voice utterly broken.

"More than once, maybe not." His already flat expression grew ever flatter. "But once a minute for the past five minutes? _That's_ a little much."

"We're sailing through the Calm Belt, being towed and guarded by _Sea Kings,"_ the chocolatier droned as she lifted an arm up to point at the half-dozen aquatic behemoths flanking the Cannibal.

Gin warily eyed the titans. Indeed, as Valentine had said, the Cannibal was being towed by a number of Sea Kings. Adolescents, admittedly, going by how they were only about as big as Marine Battleships as opposed to small mountains, but Sea Kings nonetheless. Said Sea Kings were pulling the Cannibal through the unnaturally placid waters of the Calm Belt via a combination of ropes and barrier-harnesses that they were biting into.

It was an incredible sight, an _impossible_ sight, but it was a real sight nonetheless, no matter how much Gin's much-abused sanity protested.

"No, Valentine, once again: this is not a dream," Gin emphasized firmly. "Now, if you wouldn't mind doing me a favor and _breaking the cycle?"_

Valentine blinked slowly before nodding lethargically. "Alright, then, in that case…" the ex-assassin muttered before turning her focus over to her partner. "Mr. 5," she called out. "I think we may have to try letting go of our grudge against the Straw Hats."

The bomb-man looked up from the revolver he was cleaning with a surprised blink. "What makes you say that?"

Valentine returned her gaze to the Sea Kings with a heavy gulp. "Because the only way that we could have ever been even half this lucky is if their stupid good fortune rubbed off on us big time. Or hell," she chuckled in a distinctly unhinged manner. "If even the slightest _speck_ of it brushed off on us, for that matter…"

Gin's expression became wary, and he took a careful step back. "Oookay," he bit out as he took Valentine's shoulders and gently turned her towards the forecastle. "Why don't you go ahead and lie down for a while? Until the world starts making sense again, yeah?"

Valentine's head bobbed like… well, a bobblehead as she ambled forwards, her unstable smile still plastered in place. "Sure thing," she breathed as she ambled away. "I'll just go count adolescent Millennial Dragons."

Gin watched her go with no small amount of pity; at least until he felt a needle jab into his temper in the form of a particular voice.

"Can I go sleep forever, too?" Miss Goldenweek asked in her usual dead tone. "Not because I'm unhinged, mind you, I'm just bored."

"No. Get back to work."

Goldenweek's expression somehow becomes even flatter. "Doing what?" she demanded as she spread her arms.

Gin steamed for a moment before turning away and marching back up to the prow. Once there, he whistled and called out. "How's it looking, Apis?"

The Whisper-girl smiled and waved from the head of the Sea King she and her more normal mount were riding. "Fine, thanks! They say we should reach our destination by noon tomorrow!"

"And… you're sure we can trust your new friends?" Gin questioned with an uncomfortable glance at the monumental entities around them.

Apis smiled kindly. "Of course! After all—" She leaned forward and patted the cow-like head of the Sea King she was riding. "They're childhood friends with Mohmoo, and Mohmoo's a new friend of mine! Right, Mohmoo?"

The relatively small Sea King leaned into the girl's hand with a pleased—if excessively _loud—_ 'moo'.

Gin cocked his eyebrow as he observed the odd trio and thought back to the circumstances that had led to the bovine Sea King becoming an acquaintance of the Barto Club.

A few hours back, when the Cannibal had been surrounded by Sea Kings and about to be made lunch, he and everyone who hadn't been part of Bartolomeo's mafia before forming a pirate crew, along with almost half of those who had, had come very, _very_ close to bashing their captain's face in, barriers or no, for leading them into the deadliest of oceans without any significant plan of survival in mind.

All but one: though Lindy had seemed murderous, probably out of concern for Apis, the Whisper-girl in question had screamed out, using both her voice and powers to plead with the Sea Kings to leave them alone.

Remarkably, they had paused in response to the outcry and actually regarded one another with what had appeared to be confusion. Then the cow had piped up on their behalf, apparently saying something about how 'she seems nice' and the next thing they knew, the Barto Club found themselves being questioned about why they were in the Calm Belt, or rather 'the Nest', as they apparently called it. And equally remarkably, while they _were_ rather infuriated upon learning about the pirates' reasons for entering the Grand Line, the focus of their rage _wasn't_ them.

Apparently, for reasons that they merely described as 'a promise', there was no small amount of bad blood festering between the Sea Kings and the World Government, even if said grudge was only one-sided. As such, the Sea Kings found the idea of sticking one to their apparently age-old foe, however tangentially, to be supremely appealing.

As such, Mohmoo had quickly gathered up several of his brethren and recruited their aid in towing his new friend and _her_ friends through the Sea King nest, to a location where the pirates would be able to hunker down until the search for them was over.

With that in mind, Gin half-smiled and nodded at Apis before turning to look back at the ex-Baroque Works Agents on deck. "And this destination of yours, you sure it'll be safe?"

"Almost positive," Miss Goldenweek called up as she started on another rice cracker. "The World Government doesn't keep track of Cactus Island; it was an unnamed, uninhabited island up until four years ago, when Baroque Works made it a base. Pirates had a one-in-seven chance of going there, which was good enough to make it a bounty hunter nest, and barely any civilians who passed through it actually lived to tell of it on account of how the next island down that chain is basically a dead-end. You can guess from the fact that we made good money off of it until the Straw Hats interfered that nobody really strong ever showed up there."

"And now that Baroque Works is finished, the town is either abandoned or, more likely, being used as a refuge by our failed agents," Mr. 5 picked up as he reconstructed his pistol. "Nobody will think to look for us there unless they were part of Baroque Works, and personally?" He finished the procedure by locking the gun's cylinder back into place. "I doubt that anyone who'll be in the Mutt's vicinity will fit that bill."

Gin nodded in reassurance before turning a smirk on his captain. "Hear that, Captain? It sounds like we might just make it out of this shitfest you dropped us into alive after all! Ain't that grand?"

"Mmph mu," the pirate captain growled through the bandages he was practically mummified in with a roll of his eyes.

Gin allowed himself a chuckle, but looking back at the crew, it appeared that there really wasn't anything more for him to do as the de facto quartermaster; no weather or navigation problems, no worry of attack, not even any rambunctiousness to quash. They were currently making ludicrously good time and managing to go around slightly less than half the world in little more than a day. It was… awe-inspiring, really. He was actually preparing himself to take a leaf out of Goldenweek's book and spend the next few hours napping—

"You know, Valentine forgot something," a _very_ deliberately calm voice spoke up tersely.

Gin and Bartolomeo snapped their attention over to Mr. 5, who'd joined them on the prow and was staring off the starboard quarter with a spyglass.

"…And what would that be, dare I ask?" Gin questioned.

"It's pretty simple, really…"

Without warning, the Cannibal suddenly lurched to a halt, tossing almost half of the Barto Club on their asses and staggering the rest.

The resultant confusion sufficed to break Bartolomeo's concentration, and caused the makeshift barrier harnesses the Sea Kings had been biting into to dissipate; and while Mohmoo stayed frozen ahead of the galleon, apparently paralyzed, his friends wasted no time in diving into the water and disappearing from sight.

Slowly and painfully, the rest of the crew got back on their feet, with Gin groaning and shaking his head as he tried to get his wits back. "What the _hell—?"_

"If the Straw Hats' luck really rubbed off on us…" Mr. 5 grit out as he continued to stare into the distance, all but throttling his spyglass in the process. "It means that _all_ their luck rubbed off on us. The good, and the bad. Case in point?" The ex-assassin lowered the tool with a heavy swallow. "The reason that the Sea Kings just ran away is that the Kuja Pirates and their Yuda serpents are heading _straight for us."_

The lack of response from most of the crew had a substitute in the form of Miss Goldenweek going pale and her ricecracker falling from her numb fingers. Everyone, Gin included, turned to her for clarification.

The painter swallowed heavily as she fought to keep her nerve. "That's the crew of Boa Hancock. The Snake Princess of Amazon Lily, the Pirate Empress, the world's most beautiful woman…" She took a fearful step back from the horizon. "…And the only female among the Seven Warlords of the Sea."

There was a moment of silence as everyone processed the implications of that statement, and then…

" _WHAAAAAAT?!"_

The Cannibal practically leapt into the air from the sheer force of the crew's outcry.

"AGAIN!? _SERIOUSLY!?"_ Gin roared, his gaze turned towards the heavens. "SCREW THREE TIMES, THIS IS NOTHING SHORT OF ENEMY ACTION ON A DIVINE SCALE, PLAIN AND SIMPLE!"

"Preach it, brother…" Mr. 5 sighed as he drew his revolver and started repeatedly spinning its cylinder. "This just ain't funny. Once is one thing, but twice? Leave this kind of madness to the Straw Hats, _they're_ the ones who like it."

"What do we do, what do we do, what do we do!?" Apis repeated to herself as she shook her head frantically, so deep in her panic that she didn't notice Lindy doing her best to calm her as he flew back onto the boat.

However, as the Barto Club all ran around in varying states of panic, it was their captain's reaction that was by far the most pronounced; without a hint of warning, he suddenly tore off his bandages with an incredulous roar as he stood tall and proud.

"ALRIGHT, YOU YELLOW-BELLIED BITCHES, ENOUGH WHINING FOR MOMMY! IN CASE YOU ALL HAPPENED TO FORGET, WE'VE GOT A WARLORD COMING DOWN ON OUR ASSES! ALL HANDS TO STATIONS! GRAB YOUR ARMS AND PREPARE FOR BATTLE!" the sharp-toothed pirate bellowed, drawing all attention to him. "THAT MEANS _RIGHT NOW,_ YOU BAND OF FUCKING LIMP-DICKS!"

"How in the _hell_ are you not even fazed by the _death sentence_ bearing down on us?!" Goldenweek demanded incredulously.

"Ooooh, trust me, I am scared _shitless_ right now," Bartolomeo chuckled as he pointed at his visibly trembling legs. "But! If I've learned anything from the Straw Hats' exploits, it's that in situations like this, where your death is all but guaranteed no matter what the hell you do? You've only got two options: curl up in a puddle of your own piss, or face it head-on. Now…" Bartolomeo's grin widened tauntingly. "I don't know about the rest of you shit-for-spines…" He rapped his fist on his abdomen. "But I'm clean out of piss from earlier! SO! Who's with me!?"

For a few seconds, the pirates of the Barto Club were silent as they processed their captain's words, but soon enough they found enough vim and vigor to raise their fists and swords to the air and roar with bloodlust.

"You realize that we're all going to _die,_ right?" Gin deadpanned as he absent-mindedly spun the ball-tipped tonfas he'd drawn from _somewhere._

Bartolomeo dropped his smirk in favor of a scowl. "Yeah, true enough… but with any luck? We'll be able to do one thing that that coward Krieg _never_ managed with Hawk-Eye."

"Oh yeah?" The Cold-Hearted Demon cocked an eyebrow out of morbid curiosity. "And what's that?"

Bartolomeo re-donned his grin, only this time with a feral gleam in his eyes. "We're gonna make that cocky bitch remember our names for the rest of her life even if it's the last damn thing we do."

Gin stared at his captain in stunned silence before eagerly mirroring his expression. "Aye-aye, _sir!"_

Bartolomeo held his grin for a moment as he watched his first mate run off to coordinate the crew before adopting a scowl as he observed the speck approaching on the horizon.

"Sorry, Straw Hats…" he muttered to himself. "I know you need all the support you can get, and I'd cheer you on if I could, but right now…"

He bared his teeth as he cracked his knuckles.

"I've got my _own_ damn problems to worry about."

 **-o-**

 _SLAM!_ "AGH!"

 _CRACK!_ "GAH!"

Conis and Vivi grunted in pain as they were flung onto their backs, taking the opportunity to catch their breath and gather their wits.

"I take it that you're not having an easy time either?" Conis groaned as she sat up and rubbed the back of her head.

"The damn bastard hits like a _tank!"_ the princess wheezed, clutching her stomach as a thoroughly agitated Carue helped pull her to her feet.

"You're lucky…" The gunner shook her head as she pushed herself up. "Mine hits like _Luffy."_

"Hmph. So, _these_ are the Straw Hat Pirates that have been giving the Corps so much trouble?"

The pirate women winced and shot glares that were equal parts hateful and fearful at the Marines.

Captain Gorilla snorted heavily as he tapped his rifle in his palm. "And Akainu was pushing for Onigumo and Doberman to come instead of us. I'm going to have to push for someone to run an investigation into Commodore Smoker, because if he's been having trouble with capturing these people, then he's either incompetent or he's grown soft."

"BAH! What does it matter, CRASH?" Captain Sharinguru smirked as he slammed his fists together and started grinding them against one another. "So they've managed to make it this far, KA-WHAM, so what? Villains get lucky from time to time, sure, but they will never stand a chance in a straight fight against we heroes of justice, BA-BAM! Today, the angel fallen from grace and the traitorous princess will meet their justified ends here at Enies Lobby, SA- _LAM!"_

Conis blinked in confusion before casting a hesitant glance at Vivi. "Dooo you have any idea what's wrong with him?"

"I caught a mention of the lie of how I got my bounty, but besides that, I think he's just _insane,_ " Vivi grit out irritably, before wincing and clutching a roadrash that had torn clean through one of her arm warmers. "Doesn't stop him from being strong as heck, though. Every time I try attacking him with my Cutters he manages to parry with his abilities and reel me in, and the friction from his wheels is hellish!"

Conis swallowed heavily as she eyed her her own burly opponent, reaching behind her back and clutching the grip of her shotgun. "I understand where you're coming from. I thought that Franky and our crewmates were tough, but this guy is some sort of unholy cross between Yama and Gedatsu. It doesn't matter how many times I shoot him, he just shrugs it off! It's insane!"

Carue swallowed heavily as he interposed himself between his friend and the Marines. "Qua—way thish is gonna be ea—Wha?!" the duck jerked back and squawked in shock as he realized that he was actually speaking instead of… well, squawking.

The sudden dialogue caused everyone, pirate and Marine alike, to pause in shock.

Su was quick to smirk and flick her tail. "Looks like you guys aren't quite so cocky anymore now that we have reinforcements on the way, huh?" she needled.

Sharinguru was equally quick to rally, scoffing and jabbing his finger at the Straw Hats. "Foolish villains, PSHOO! It matters not whether you face us with one or one hundred allies, we—!"

"Less talking, more acting," Gorilla interrupted.

The Wheel-Man promptly snapped his mouth shut with an aggravated growl and stalked forward, the sleeves of his arms blurring into a spin.

Vivi took a hesitant step back before steeling her expression and starting to spin her own Cutter in turn. "Alright," she muttered to herself. "We have help coming now, so we don't have to win anymore, but they're still a mile out and we're not making any progress against these two." The princess angled her head so that she could stare down the bridge and grimaced. "Robin's already halfway down the bridge. Unless we get to her fast…" She winced as she came to the obvious conclusion, and glanced to her avian companion. "Carue, you need to run ahead and save Robin!"

" _WHAT!?"_ Carue screeched in shock. "Are you—!?"

"Carue!" Vivi snapped firmly. "There are almost a hundred Marines between us and her and you're the only one fast enough to make it past them unmolested!"

"B-B-But I can't weave you awone!" Carue shook his head desperately. "If Ah've said it once, Ah've said it a dozen times, Ah won't evah weave—!"

" _CARUE!"_

The duck choked off his protests, and everyone on the bridge within earshot flinched, for Vivi had pinned the duck in place with a firm glare. "The reason we're in the middle of all of this in the first place is so that we can rescue Robin from being dragged off to hell. If that…" Vivi trailed off with a murderous scowl. "If that _dead-man-walking_ manages to take her away, then _everything_ we've done in the last few hours will be for nothing." However, as swiftly as her fury appeared, it dissipated in place of pure confidence. "We'll be _fine,_ Carue. We'll do what we can do, you do what you can do, alright?"

Carue hesitated for a moment more before he gritted his teeth and pawed his talons on the ground. "Awight… one shecond… ten shteps in one shecond…"

"Stop that duck, HALT!" Sharinguru exclaimed as he swung his fist forward.

"That one's a stretch, Sharinguru," Gorilla said even as he levelled his gun at the bird.

However, the Captains barely even made it a step apiece—

"NOT A CHANCE!"

"GRGH!"/"DAMN!"

—before Conis slammed her forearm into Gorilla's rifle, knocking its barrel upward, while Vivi snagged the full length of her Lion Cutter's chains on the Captain's wheels. The sheer jerk nearly wrenched her off her feet, but it did halt the Wheel-man's charge.

They only managed to stop them for a moment before the Captains managed to shove them back.

"And SHAVE!" the duck called out before flashing out of sight.

But it was more than long enough.

"Damn it!" Gorilla cursed as he watched the oversized fowl tear through the soldiers behind him.

Vivi smirked as she rewound her Lion Cutters. "You lose."

 **-o-**

The world ground to a crawl for Carue as he dashed forward and dodged around the Marines that had just enough awareness to react to him, forcing himself to keep his gaze ahead instead of looking back at his charge and best friend as she faced down two _Marine Captains_. It hurt like hell, yes, but in the end it didn't change the fact that she was right; if that wretch got away with Robin, the best result they could hope for was a pyrrhic victory, and that was a stretch.

As he ran, the Royal Captain of the Supersonic Duck Squadron reflected on the irony of his current situation: risking his neck and potentially Vivi's in order to save a woman that he would have _gladly_ stomped flat into the earth a thousand times over not even half a year ago. That, alongside the sheer degree to which she had grown on him since then, served to hammer home just how much the Straw Hats had changed him.

He hadn't fully forgiven her, and he knew that Vivi hadn't either, but the fact was that he had at _least_ managed to accept that she wasn't Miss All Sunday anymore, she was just Robin, his crewmate, his… his _friend._

Carue grit his teeth together even harder as he took stock of the opposition that remained between him and the object of his mission. Apart from about a dozen or so soldiers standing in his way and the shield-carrying entourage surrounding him, Spandam was straight ahead, and, more importantly, so was Robin. A malicious grin split the duck's lips as he spread his wings, preparing himself to cut Robin away from that damn son of a—

"GET HIM, FUNKFREED!"

Carue blinked in confusion when Spandam suddenly shouted out. ' _Funkfreed? What's a Funk—?'_

" _BARAAAAG!"_

"SHIT!" Carue squawked in panic when a mass of white suddenly filled his vision, and he was forced to dig his talons into the stone and flap his wings in order to keep his balance and prevent himself from crashing into whatever the hell had just gotten in his way. The second he came to a halt and reality snapped back into motion, his eyes widened in panic as they processed what was now in front of him, part of his mind flashing back to Cross' words back on the Rocketman:

' _The only weapon he has besides his authority is a sword that ate the Elephant-Elephant Fruit. And an elephant, bladed trunk or not, shouldn't be a problem for any of you.'_

' _Not a problem my unsightly feathered ass!'_ the duck mentally groused as he stared up at the ivory-tusked behemoth that was glaring down at him. Once he recovered, however, he grit his teeth and glared right back. ' _Tch! Well, not like I have a choice here.'_

"Outta my way, fatass!" he squawked before sprinting forwards, lashing his talon-armor out and slashing at the elephant's leg.

He then paled in horror when his blades harmlessly skittered off with a flurry of sparks and a clang of steel-on-steel. The duck staggered back as he watched the area he'd struck shimmer like…

"…That's _actuawwy_ steew, isn't it?" he whimpered fearfully.

Funkfreed's only response was to narrow his eyes.

"Yeah, well… how do ya wike _dis?!"_ Carue squawked as he bolted to the side, intent on dodging around the elephant-sword. After all, it was an _elephant,_ how fast could it possibly—?

"WACK!" Carue yelped as he ground to yet another halt when Funkfreed suddenly showed up in front of him again, only rather than a whole elephant, he was in what had to be his hybrid form, seeing as his trunk was a full-on blade and his lower half had morphed into a… serpent-like form that ended in a… hilt…

The duck swallowed heavily as he took a step back. "Yoah twansfomation makes you _weawwy_ fast, doesn't it?"

A hint of a smirk peeked out from beneath the elephant's trunk.

Carue whimpered miserably as he reached up and slammed his visor down over his eyes. "Thish ish gonna _suck_ …"

 **-o-**

Conis juked left as a rifle bullet ricocheted off the stone of the bridge where she'd been standing before, then rolled to the _right_ as the butt of Gorilla's rifle smashed through where her torso should have been.

Once she had some breathing room, Conis swung her blunderbuss out and fired it in a single smooth motion. Still, in spite of her lack of aiming, the loaded shell flew true. At least, it _did_ until Gorilla used his gun to smack a loose piece of debris into the projectile's path and force an early detonation.

"Not again," the gunner groaned as she unslung her Burn Bazooka (so far the only thing her opponent bothered _dodging,_ which he managed with an uncanny degree of agility) and shoved her blunderbuss back in its holster behind her back.

"Complain less, dodge more! INCOMING!"

"Wha— _GAH!"_ Conis gasped as she threw herself to the side, only just managing to dodge yet another bullet—only to notice too late that it _wasn't_ a bullet that struck the bricks, but rather the rifle's butt instead. The angel barely had enough time to shield herself with her Burn Bazooka as Gorilla turned on his heel and swung the rifle into her, the sheer impact jarring Conis through her cannon and sending her crashing onto her ass.

"Ow…" Conis winced as she rubbed the part of her anatomy she'd landed on before casting a glare over her shoulder. "Nice read there, cottontail!"

"Hey, what do you want from me!?" Su snapped back. "The bastard's a walking _brick,_ there's jack and shit in body language for me to read!"

"Still—!"

"So, that's how you're doing it…"

Conis and Su snapped their attention back to Gorilla , who was looking them over with an annoyed expression. "I was wondering how you were managing to dodge or parry every single attack I threw at you. The fox is reading my movements?"

Su hesitated for a moment before sniffing proudly. "Of course I am!" she proclaimed. "We foxes are _notoriously_ smart, and I spent most of my life traipsing through a jungle where everything not me wanted to _eat_ me, so I know how to read a swing." She then furrowed her brow irritably. "Your freakish body's just making that difficult, is all!"

Gorilla dismissed the blatant insult with a snort. "Well, then. If unpredictability is out the window, maybe I should just try the simpler approach."

Conis sagged miserably. "Oh, this is going to— _UGH!"_

The angel grunted as she blocked yet another swing with her cannon. And then another and another and _another,_ the overly-burly captain pounding away at Conis' defense with a barrage that was at once utterly predictable and nigh unstoppable.

The only thing she could do was keep her Bazooka in the way and backpedal as best she could, and as the dents developing in the barrel demonstrated, that was a stopgap strategy at best.

Meanwhile, the Straw Hats' negotiator was having only marginally more luck with her own opponent.

"JUSTICE GAZELLE!"

That is to say, absolutely no luck at all.

It was only via swift reflexes and a load of luck that Vivi was barely able to catch the swiftly-spinning, leg-powered uppercut on the chain of her Lion Cutters, gritting her teeth as the sheer force of the revolutions hit her even through her weapon, shaking her bones and threatening to grind through the chain. Luckily, the punch also shoved her back a few feet, giving her just enough space to get some spin on her Lion Cutters and swing one of them at the offending and still-extended limb. And like the last few times she'd attempted it, she was barely able to keep the weapon from being torn out of her hands as what _had_ to be metal plating hiding under the Captain's clothes slapped the blade away at high speeds.

"JUSTICE SMASH!"

The princess had only just managed to recover her balance and weapon when she was forced to duck under yet another revolving haymaker that would have plowed straight through her skull. When the Captain's _other_ fist snapped out at her, however, she was forced to swing out her cutters and dig them into the stone before forcefully yanking herself out of the way of the blow, though not without the very edge of the limb managing to score a gash in her cheek.

Once she rolled to her feet and recovered her balance, Vivi hastily started weighing her options as she eyed her opponent.

It was a depressingly short list.

' _That armor he's hiding is forcefully deflecting any physical attacks,'_ she thought grimly, before wincing and snapping a hand to the bleeding scrape on her face. ' _And his punches_ have _to be completely dodged or they'll do more than just bruise, and while I might be flexible, he's leagues faster than I am.'_ She bit out a pained tsk. ' _Right, that's it, I'm having Carue teach me Shave after this. And Iron Body from Zoro and Tempest Kick from—!'_

"JUSTICE…"

Vivi snapped herself out of her thoughts and braced herself as Sharinguru tensed in preparation for… something. ' _Right, plan out how to become a better fighter later, survive_ now! _Hopefully whatever he uses won't be anything too—!'_

"SANDSTORM!"

"Wait, _wha—!?"_

Without warning, the heels of the Captain's feet turned spun into blurs themselves, kicking up a dust cloud at Vivi. It was only years of experience dealing with windblown sand that allowed Vivi to maintain her composure and dodge the air-rending haymaker that followed soon afterwards, but the familiarity of the attack struck Vivi like a bolt of lightning once she had a second to recover.

"Hey!" Vivi pointed an accusatory finger at the Marine. "That move was totally a rip-off of Sora's—!" She suddenly choked off as _another_ realization clicked into place. The princess then groaned in weary resignation. "Oh, Horus… the sound effects, the talk of heroes and villains, naming your attacks 'justice' this and 'justice' that… You… You _actually_ think that you're Sora, Warrior of the Seas, don't you? You think that you're some kind of-of comicbook superhero!"

The Wheel-man paused at that, slowly turning around to face her with his head bowed and his shoulders shaking. At first, she thought he was crying, but then she heard the laughter.

"Hahaha… 'think'? Oh, you foolish, foolish villain…"

Gorilla paused his onslaught as he slapped a hand to his face and groaned. "Oh, _perfect,_ now you've gone and done it."

Sharinguru snapped a finger skyward, and planted his fist on his hip as he bellowed at the sky. "I DO NOT _THINK_ I AM A SUPERHERO, I _AM_ A SUPERHERO!" he proclaimed proudly. "I AM CAPTAIN SHARINGURU, HERO OF JUSTICE AND DEFEATER OF EVIL!" He then swung his finger down so that it was pointing at Vivi's face as he gave her a winning smile. Vivi had to _fight_ to keep from barfing as sunlight glinted off his stupidly shiny white teeth. "Let me tell you something, worthless villain! You think I ripped off Sora, that I think that I am him? _YOU HAVE IT BACKWARDS!"_ He swung his thumb at his chest. "Rather, Sora is _I!_ I am the real-life inspiration for the world-renowned adventures of Sora, Warrior of the Seas!"

Conis blinked at the masked Captain in surprise. "Is… he really that famous?"

"Only partially…" Gorilla groaned as he kneaded the bridge of his nose. "Sora's a composite of the exploits of several different Marine Captains, but Sharinguru's always been a big fan. After he beat a Germa battalion and had the tale published, he got it into his head that he's _legitimately_ a 'hero of Justice'. It's asinine, but I can't say it doesn't keep him motivated."

" _Personally, I just say that it's sickening!"_ Spandam's voice piped up, apparently carried by Soundbite. " _Honestly, that buffoon is worse than Kumadori!"_

" _This may be the only thing that I ever agree with you on,"_ Robin's voice growled out.

The latter voice managed to snap Vivi out of her stunned state, and she shook her head before refocusing on her opponent and crossing her Cutters defensively. "I don't care if you're a hero or a _saint,_ we're still going to beat you down and take Robin back with us."

Unfortunately, that only got Sharinguru to throw his head back and roar anew, only this time his laughter had a distinctly mocking overtone to it. "Oh, you poor, foolish, _naïve_ villain! Know you nothing about how the world works? Allow me to explain the facts!" He pointed at her again. " _You_ and your ilk are the villainous pirates, heinous enemies of justice who represent all that is sick and evil in this world!" He then pointed back at himself and at Gorilla. "And we are the mighty and heroic Marines, defenders of justice and paragons of good! No matter what you try to accomplish, we _will_ lay you low, and once anew _JUSTICE_ will prevail! _Why_ , you ask!?"

Wheels roared over the Captain's body as he pumped his arms back with his fists turned upwards. "BECAUSE HEROES NEVER LOSE!" he declared for all the world to hear.

Vivi twitched slightly at the words, a grimace flashing across her mouth. "If only that were true…" she whispered under her breath. As swift as the grimace came, however, she shook off her forlorn expression in favor of properly analyzing her enemy. "But that's neither here nor there. Right now, what's important is that I know that I'm dealing with a _total_ nutjob, and that's a good thing. You know why?"

The princess allowed a slight smirk to cross her face as she flipped one of her Cutters into a reverse grip and spun up the other. "Because when it comes to dealing with crazy people," she declared proudly. "I have more experience than you can _possibly_ imagine."

"…I do not envy your crew in the least," Gorilla deadpanned as he returned his full attention back to Conis.

"Nor should you," Su agreed sagely.

"After all, they're not for everyone." Conis redoubled her grip on her Burn Bazooka and held it up proudly. "Rather, it's an acquired taste."

And with that, the battles recommenced in earnest.

Meanwhile, however, further down the bridge, the mind of the person who was the entire object of the endeavor was awhirl. No longer did she wish the crew— _her_ crew wasn't risking their lives for her, that train of thought had been banished to oblivion when she heard _him_ speak through Soundbite. No, at this point, she was more worried about whether they would actually be able to reach her in time.

While normally Robin would have been perfectly fine with just being patient and waiting for her friends to rescue her, the fact was that in spite of her protests and struggling she was already over halfway across the bridge, and due to the the shield-toting Marines flanking her and her captor, Usopp had been unable to do more than annoy them.

Robin bit her lip as she weighed her options. Obviously she couldn't fight back physically, not while her handcuffs were binding her arms and, more pressingly, her powers. True, with Funkfreed absent, her chances with resisting were better than ever, but the fact remained that she _was_ being flanked by a number of actually _capable_ soldiers, which meant that if she tried to attack Spandam in any way then she would be met with fierce retribution, or, in the absolute worst case scenario, rendered unconscious to remove any chance of fighting back.

Robin glanced ahead at the far-too-swiftly approaching gate before bowing her head with a shudder of fear. Yes, death was slightly more preferable than waking up in either of the locations beyond, with no hope of ever seeing her crew again.

As for her other options… well, her 'feminine wiles', to put it politely were one tool she'd liberally exploited in the past, but…

Robin shot a single glance at Spandam before shuddering heavily. Even _if_ the target in this scenario weren't an entity even lower than most earthworms, the fact still remained that in all likelihood the only sexual attraction Spandam felt was for _himself._

As it stood, the situation seemed to be utterly hopeless… save for one possible option.

Said option was one that Robin had had hammered home more than she'd ever thought possible in her time with the crew; an option that Cross liberally demonstrated time and time again: that words were capable of shattering barriers that no amount of physical force could ever hope to crack. If she could just distract Spandam long enough from his goal, make him concentrate on something other than moving forward…

Admittedly, Spandam's short temper and throbbing ego made it a supremely risky option, but if it was the only way she had to fight back, the only way she could buy her crew the time they so desperately needed? Then she would employ it to the best of her, in her not so humble opinion, well-honed abilities.

' _Still, pretty words aside, going by Cross's track record thus far…'_ Robin glanced upwards with a pained grimace. " _This is likely going to_ hurt.'

"You know," Robin began. "I find it odd that you don't feel at all threatened by CP9."

"Huh?" Spandam turned to her with a genuinely puzzled look. "Why in the world should I be, woman!? It's not like they would ever turn against me, I'm their chief!"

The archaeologist hid a groan at the fact that he hadn't stopped moving before continuing. "I'm simply considering that they're all, in your own words, 'easily superhuman'. Meanwhile, you're someone who literally anyone on this island would be guaranteed to beat in a fight. And as Lucci and his comrades have aptly demonstrated, they are more than capable of directing operations completely independent of you. So the question is…" She tilted her head _just_ so. "What possible reason do they have to refrain from turning on you?"

If Robin was expecting some grand reaction from her statement, she was disappointed when Spandam merely scoffed and brushed her words off. "Please, as if they would ever even consider it! I'm their beloved chief, I'm far too crucial for them to even so much as consider harming me."

Robin's eye twitched slightly as she cast her mind back to a mere few minutes ago. ' _Oh perfect, his delusions of grandeur are so powerful that they're actively altering his memories.'_ Nevertheless, she forced a smirk that held more confidence than she actually felt (in reality, it was taking all of her training to maintain her composure in face of the metal horizon she was approaching) and pressed on. "Really, now? What is it that you _do_ , exactly?"

Spandam tilted his head back with a proud snort. "Why, I'm the one who gives them their missions, of course! I read through the intel collected from the other pols, I decide what's pertinent and what isn't, and then I deploy them! I'm also the one who runs all of the logistics and finances for the missions." He gave a full-body shudder at some unseen memory. "You would not _believe_ the kind of people I've had to brownnose to get the budget I need, especially given the sheer amounts of collateral they tend to leave behind…" As fast as his mood came, it passed. "Furthermore—!"

"Oh, no need, I understand completely," Robin interrupted with a beatific smile. "You're their glorified secretary. How nice."

 _That_ struck a nerve with the man, his expression instantly contorting into an angered scowl. But it didn't cause him to stop moving. And as Robin took that in along with the approaching gates, her composure crumbled. As such, her next words weren't so much a calculated barb as they were ramblings born of panicked desperation.

"You're not even capable of denying it, are you? You're nothing but a figurehead for CP9! You're just as worthless without your subordinates as that monster who triggered the Buster Call on Oh—!"

 _CLICK!_

Robin's words died when she became aware of two facts: First, that Spandam was looking at her with an expression of pure and utter _hatred,_ and that second, he was holding a pistol taken from a nearby Marine's belt in his hands and had its muzzle less than an inch from her forehead.

"That… _monster_ … as you called him…" Spandam hissed viciously through clenched teeth. " _Was my father."_

Robin sucked in a panicked gasp as she realized… she'd fucked up. ' _Oh,_ shit.'

"Chief Spandam! Our orders are to take her in—!"

 _ **BLAM!**_ "AGH!"

Everyone on the bridge froze in mixed shock and horror as Spandam fired a round into the (technically) insubordinate Marine's shoulder before returning the gun to its initial aim, all without even glancing to the side.

"The heck is this, pow, some kind of anti-hero gambit or something, wham?" Sharinguru mused in confusion.

"Spandam!" Captain Gorilla shouted. "What the hell do you think you're doing!? The mission—!"

"The mission," Spandam spat venomously without ever diverting his attention. "Is no longer a priority. I've put up with this filthy demon's insolence up until now for the sake of the World Government. But now? Now I couldn't care if she were the bastard brat of one of the Five Elder Stars. From the day I became the highest authority in Enies Lobby, there is one decree I've made that has stood firm regardless of the circumstances: the penalty for insulting my father in front of me…"

He pressed the muzzle of his gun between Robin's thoroughly terrified eyes and pulled the hammer back. " _Is immediate execution._ Goodbye, Devil Child. It's time for you to rejoin your mother and the rest of Ohara's demons in Hell."

Time seemed to crawl for Vivi as she stared in naked horror at Spandam's finger, which had started the motion that would end Robin's life. Her crewmate was about to die. She was about to witness someone she cared about die. She was about to see someone die because she wasn't strong enough _again!_

Without even thinking, Vivi's hands started to move. One went to her throat and fumbled with the bulb of metal hanging there, but even as her fingers slipped around it she knew that she'd never be able to get it open in time. As such, her other hand started to rise, reaching out in spite of the obvious futility of the gesture. But she didn't care. She couldn't even begin to care.

"…stop…" The word slipped out of her mouth without her own knowledge.

She had to do something, anything, she couldn't let this happen again, couldn't let it happen ever again!

"Stop…!" the word came again, only this time with more heat, more will.

Vivi panted as she observed the nightmare before her, as she witnessed how completely and utterly she was failing to _make a damn difference._

' _This isn't fair…'_ she thought miserably, her mind choking and stalling in despair. ' _I-I'm a royal. I'm a princess! I'm a_ Nefertari! _By right and by blood I should be one of the most powerful people in the world…'_

Her face twisted up in a combination of fury and misery as her mind was filled with images: Images of a horizon set ablaze, images of a plaza filled with nothing but death, images of lightning and _pain._

' _So why_ am I always left feeling so POWERLESS?!'

If time had been crawling before, it completely froze the moment Spandam's finger reached the final millimeter. And as she saw, _saw_ death about to snuff out a person who she'd all but despised twenty-four hours ago, Vivi… quite simply felt something in her mind _snap_. Something primal, something _innate_. And before she knew what she was doing—

" **STOOOOOOOP!"**

A voice _roared_ over the bridge. It was only an instant later that she registered that it was, in fact, _her_ voice.

And though time seemed to resume for the world around her, the same could not be said for the people. Everybody in sight, Marine, Agent, and even her own comrades, were standing completely motionless, some in awkward positions. And one and all, their eyes were wide with fear and confusion.

"What…" Vivi breathed in confusion. "What just—?"

 _KA-BLAM!_

"GAGH!"

The princess was broken out of her shock by an Exploding Star slamming into the face of a Marine who'd been about to swing his sword through her neck.

Said explosion was enough to break whatever spell the bridge had fallen under, prompting the soldiers to scramble back into the defensive positions they'd been using to hide from the Straw Hats' sniper. Or, well… _most_ of them did, anyway.

"W't th' 'ell…?" Spandam ground out through his locked jaw. "Ah 'an't 'ove!"

"And thank God for that," one of the soldiers guarding him scowled as he worked the pistol out of his fingers, while another dragged Robin out of his line of fire, causing her to sigh in relief—and then blink in confusion, as the soldiers made no attempt to force her closer to the Gates of Justice.

"…Ah, not that I'm complaining, but why aren't you taking me to the Gates?" she asked warily.

The nearest soldier rolled his eyes. "Because Spandam gave ironclad orders that nobody is to open the Gates until he's right there in person."

"And despite the fact that he's clearly unstable," another soldier continued. "The only ones who can remove officials from their positions are those with rank or authority higher than theirs."

"Much to our chagrin, as of today," said the one who had retrieved his pistol. "So, now we have to wait for whatever the heck that was to wear off." He cocked an eyebrow at the archaeologist. "And speaking of, since when the heck could your crewmates do _that,_ anyway?"

Robin hesitated slightly before casting a look back at her crewmates that was as much fond as it was bemused. "I was just asking myself that exact same question…"

While Robin was almost too confused to feel relief at the new development, Vivi was in an even worse state on account of how not only was she just as confused as everyone else on the bridge, but Sharinguru and Gorilla had _also_ gotten enough wherewithal back in their minds to renew their assaults. It was all the princess could do to dodge and parry her opponent's blows—and even that was a stretch—as she worked to puzzle out what in the name of _Osiris' rotting blue testicles_ had just happened.

' _Everyone stopped…'_ Vivi forced her thoughts to start at the beginning of it all even as she ducked under a rotating lariat. ' _I called for… well, for everyone to stop and they did. Maybe… Maybe I can do it again?_ Should _I try to—AGH!'_ Vivi's train of thought derailed when she _felt_ Sharinguru's elbow shave off a millimeter from the tip of her nose. ' _Right, no choice. Here goes everything!'_

"Stop!" she yelled once more, and in response, the Captains… reflexively flinched for a moment before continuing with just as much intensity as before.

Vivi suppressed a groan as she grit her teeth. ' _Well,_ that _sure as hell didn't work!'_ However, as swiftly as anger flashed through her mind she forced it all out via a calming sigh. ' _Alright, alright, calm down… think it through. Think back to that feeling, that instant. When I… did whatever it was I did, I felt something like I'd never—!'_ Vivi marginally started in shock. ' _No, no, th-that's wrong… that's wrong, I actually_ have _felt whatever that was before!'_

In spite of the onslaught she found herself under, Vivi found her mind's eye being cast back. Back to Rainbase and to Smoker and Tashigi, back to Skypiea and to _him_. She hadn't paid it much mind at those times, her adrenaline and the situations had clouded her memories, but thinking back, her tirades against them, her using the name of her ancestors in spite of how much she loathed them, her speaking with as much force and power as she possibly could…

At first, she'd thought it to be little more than the desperation of the situation combining with the fury of seeing her friends in danger. But now that she thought about it, actually considered it, she realized that it wasn't _just_ desperation. In fact, rather than being any form of emotion at all, what had powered her words that day was nothing short of instinct. Some fundamental, core drive that she'd managed to pull from… somewhere or other.

Vivi bit her lip both out of worry and irritation as she avoided a roundhouse kick from Sharinguru. ' _Of_ course _whatever the hell I did required instinct!'_ she thought sarcastically. ' _What_ else _would it need, considering how I'm a person of thought and planning who has as much instinct_ as a piece of damn plank—!' Vivi forced out another calming sigh. ' _Alright… alright, let's try again. I need instinct. I just need to dig deep… deep… okay, let's try… THIS!'_

"STOP!" she commanded. This time, Sharinguru legitimately froze instead of flinching, but once again, that moment of pause was just that, a moment, a meager few seconds, before the Captain moved anew. It took Vivi everything she had to keep from spewing out a blue streak worthy of Zoro himself as she parried his ballistic fist.

' _ARGH! Four seconds!? That was only worth_ FOUR MISERABLE SECONDS!?' she howled in her mind. ' _You have got to be_ kidding me! _It actually_ worked _this time, but it wasn't even close to being as effective! Damn it, I have it but I_ still don't have it! _What am I missing, what the hell could I possibly be missing!? Think, damn it, think think_ thi—!' Vivi shoved yet another exasperated sigh from her grit teeth. ' _Alright, alright, enough panic, no more panic. Just think it through in a calm and—!'_

Without any warning, Vivi froze where she was standing, her eyes blinking in honest surprise. "…oh."

 _SKRUNCH!_

Her eyes then shot wide in shock as her body _shook._

Time seemed to freeze as she tried to process what had just happened. In that instant, Vivi became aware of a noise.

' _Who… is that?'_ she thought. ' _Who's… screaming?'_

Vivi slowly turned her head to the side and blinked in confusion as she saw that the source was Conis, who was desperately screaming at the top of her lungs with tears coursing down her eyes.

' _Oh… it's Conis…'_ Vivi realized. ' _But she looks fine. So, why is she…?'_

The princess blinked again as she suddenly realized something else: she could feel a slight pinching sensation in her abdomen. Her gaze shifted downwards and slowly she 'ah'd in understanding.

' _Oh, I see,'_ she mentally nodded. ' _The reason she's screaming is that I got hit.'_

And indeed, the princess had most certainly been hit. To be precise, she had been hit by a rather large fist that had literally buried itself halfway through her abdomen.

As if her noticing her injury were the trigger, time resumed and Vivi was simultaneously spun and flung backward, hitting the stonework of the bridge with a sickening crack and bouncing. She landed again on her side before skidding to a stop. After taking a moment to get some breath back in her lungs, she tried to pull herself to her knees on quivering limbs, only for a shuddering spasm to wrack her body and force her to vomit up a glob of blood and what she desperately hoped was _only_ her last meal onto the stone.

"—IVI!" Conis' voice screamed. Vivi was barely aware of her friend turning and starting to run towards her. She was then vaguely aware of a bipedal clothes-wearing simian moving to stand in her path, impeding her progress.

"Have you forgotten?" Gorilla snorted in irritation. "You're still fighting _me."_

"Y-You—!" Conis snarled furiously through her tears, but that was all she was able to get out before Gorilla slammed his gun into her Bazooka and forced her into a deadlock.

"Be quiet and watch your friend's execution. You'll be joining her for the crimes you've committed soon enough."

"INDEED, WHA-BAM!" Sharinguru cackled as he stalked up to Vivi. "This, right here, right now, is what I truly live for, DAH-DAH-DAH- _DAAAAH!_ The Hero punishing the Villain, KA-BLAM! Sacred Good triumphing over vile Evil, KA-BOOM! THIS!"

The Captain grinned victoriously as he raised his foot high above Vivi's head and started up a rotation so fast that the very air around it started to ripple.

"IS THE VERY DEFINITION!" he roared at the top of his lungs. "OF JUSTICE! _JUSTICE GUILLOTINE!"_

And with that, he dropped his heel in a blow that would sever Vivi's head from her neck.

" **Stop."**

Or rather, that _would_ have severed her head had a single word not frozen Sharinguru in place and killed his rotation dead. It wasn't yelled. It wasn't a scream, it wasn't a plea, it was just a simple word. Or rather… a single command. A command packed packed with so much power and authority that Sharinguru's body didn't have any other choice but to lock up.

And it wasn't just Sharinguru who froze either. Gorilla, Conis, Su, Robin… basically, everyone on the entire bridge found themselves paralyzed again.

"W-What—?" Sharinguru bit out as he tried furiously to get his mouth to work.

"Sorry about that, Conis."

All eyes snapped to Vivi as she slowly worked her way to her feet. "But it's hard enough bringing this power up as it is; as near as I can tell, I can either use it on one or everyone, and I thought it would be for the best to stop Gorilla, too."

Vivi started to move before hissing and casting a pained grimace at her torso. "Ah, damn it. That punch didn't break my skin, thankfully enough, so my insides aren't puréed, but this is still going to be a very nasty scar. It's going to be awhile before I feel confident wearing a bikini again." She shot an exasperated glare over her shoulder at Sharinguru. "You are _insanely_ lucky that Sanji isn't here, you know that?"

"How—!?" the Wheel-man snarled murderously.

Vivi maintained her cool stare for a moment before hanging her head with a sigh. "Honestly? I'm not sure. This is all as new to me as it is to you. But I'm fairly certain that its basis revolves around my instinct as a ruler."

"Ruler's instinct."

All attention within earshot turned to the cloud fox, who was looking at Vivi in a combination of genuine awe and naked terror. "Instinct… it's something that every living being is born with," the cloud fox whispered, the sheer silence of the bridge letting all hear her. "It leads us to food or water, warns us of danger, all kinds of things. But…"

Su slowly shook her head. "Not all are created equal. Some beings… when they're born, their instincts are superior. These beings, their instincts aren't just about survival, they're about _leadership._ The instinct to rule over others. I've only ever heard of it being found in the likes of Alpha Wolves and Sea Kings. But then again, I suppose that when you consider the existence of people like Wiper and Gan Fall, it's only natural to assume that humans would have it, too."

Vivi nodded in agreement. "All my life, I've known that I would one day rule. It wasn't just from my father telling me, wasn't from my friends or subjects, it was just…" She held her hand up and stared at it as she flexed her fingers. "Something I've _known,_ from the deepest part of my heart. Something basic, something _natural._ A fact, if you will. The sky is blue, water is wet, and I, Nefertari Vivi, was born to rule. And now…"

Vivi affixed the Marine Captain with a firm look. "Now I can actually use it. I don't know how, but I'm bringing it out, and even if you refuse it with all your heart and soul, I will _make_ you obey the divine right that I have held within me since I was born."

She raised her head proudly as she glared down at the Marine. "I am Princess Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta, _and you will respect my authority!"_

"…I honestly never expected to ask this question again, but… how does that even make sense?" Robin wondered aloud.

"Tseeheeheeheehee… haven't you been around here for a few years, Robin?"

Attention returned to the Cloud Fox as an eager grin slowly peeked through her fur.

"This ocean is the Grand Line," she whispered reverentially. "There is no need for sense here. What is… just simply _is."_

"Respect…?"

Vivi blinked in surprise before turning her attention back to Sharinguru, who was shivering in place.

"Respect… your… _authorityyyy?"_ he ground out viciously.

Without any warning, Sharinguru's foot suddenly slammed down and cracked the stone of the Bridge.

"THE ONLY AUTHORITY THAT I RESPECT!" the Captain roared as he ripped the blade at his side from its sheath. "IS THAT OF _JUSTICE!"_ And with that, he leapt at Vivi, his sword-arm extended and his wrist rotating so rapidly that the blade became a disc of pure steel and _death._ " _JUSTICE MAELSTROM!"_

Vivi tensed in preparation to bl—no, that sword was equivalent to instant death, _definitely_ something to dodge. Before she could get a chance, however, a grenade came whistling in. The Wheel-man just barely noticed and managed to raise his attack between it and him before it detonated.

Of course, given the suction of the Justice Maelstrom, the resulting blast hit him all at once, knocking him out of the sky and sending him bouncing off the Bridge, scorched medium rare.

"I'm _very_ sorry if you wanted him for yourself, Vivi."

The Princess looked over at Conis, who was smiling lightly as she reloaded her grenade launcher.

"But you see," the gunner continued pleasantly. "The fact is that he _does_ seem like a pretty tough enemy, and I'd like to inflict some pain on him myself. Would you terribly mind if I took him off your hands?"

"We'll lay an absolute _world_ of hurt on him, we promise!" Su smirked sadistically.

Vivi blinked in surprise for a moment before smiling and shrugging indifferently. "Fine by me, that lunatic's ramblings were starting to grate at my ears. Meanwhile…"

Vivi's expression turned cold as she turned her attention behind Conis. " **Freeze,"** she ordered.

And so it was that Captain Gorilla froze mid-aim, barely staying on his feet.

The Princess smiled even as she jerked her Lion Cutters into her hands and started spinning them in preparation. "I'll handle this overgrown ape. Altogether, I think that for the two of us it should only take… what, thirty seconds?"

"Eh…" Conis wavered her hand side to side. "Personally, I'd prefer to call it a full minute. It's better to finish with time to spare than to be late, you know."

"Fair, fair. Now, then…" Vivi narrowed her gaze. "Shall we?"

Conis' expression hardened as she slammed her fist into her palm. " _Let's."_

And with that, the pirates began to approach their opponents.

 **-o-**

Though it took him a moment to shake off the daze of the attack that had disrupted him, the Wheel-Marine Sharinguru was swift to get his bearings back and take notice of the pirate headed his way. His response to her approach was to snort indignantly. "Fool, SHING!" Sharinguru roared as he jabbed his blade at her. "Do you think that I, a Hero of JUSTICE, would ever allow—"

 _ **BLAM!**_

"GAH!" The Marine captain was promptly cut off by another of Conis' explosive shells going off in his face, causing him to reel back and sputter.

"Allow? Oh, I never thought you'd allow anything," Conis said, smiling sweetly even as she returned her grenade launcher to her back. "That doesn't mean you'll succeed. I am Conis of the Straw Hats, and that injury you inflicted on my friend?" Her expression promptly turned thunderous as she whipped two of her pistols out and held them at the ready. "That was the last hit you'll land today."

"You wish, _pirate,_ SLAM!" Sharinguru declared, shoving himself to his feet and spinning his legs beneath him. "For you see, TRUE JUSTICE will prevail today!" And with that, the Marine shoved his feet against the ground and took advantage of the spin from his heels to give him an extra-powerful burst of speed.

Conis kept her stance firm as she followed him with her guns. "Pistol…"

"BULLETS CANNOT HARM ME!" Sharinguru cackled as he brought his blade before him and started spinning it. "JUSTICE MAEL—!"

" _Lux."_

"— _GAGH!"_ The Captain promptly lost his stance when a flash of utterly _blinding_ light stabbed into his eyes, burning his retinas and causing him to crash into the bridge and roll to a halt as he flailed and clawed at his eyes. "YEARGH, WHAT THE HELL!?"

"Allow me to clarify something for you," Conis' voice filtered through the void of white that had devoured his eyesight. "Whereas your goggles are purely for show and offer nothing in the way of protection, _mine_ are reinforced and have tinted lenses. Just so you know, up until now I've been using conventional weaponry because, in all honesty, I didn't want to show my full hand until it was absolutely necessary. After what you did to my _friend_ , however…"

The twin clicks of two pistols being cocked prompted Sharinguru to spin up the armor hiding under his shirt, and he was only _just_ able to deflect the bullets that would have perforated him. With his vision finally clearing, Sharinguru staggered back to his feet and and eyed the pirate warily as she advanced on him.

"I'm going to go ahead and give you a crash course…" Conis intoned gravely as she drew her rifles from her back and held them at ready. "In _Sky Warfare."_

And with that, she whipped her rifles up and thumbed the secondary triggers hidden on them. "Rifle Incendium."

The Marine prepared to deliver yet another of his tirades, only for his words to die when he noticed a glow building up in the barrels of the guns. He hastily scoured what little knowledge of Latin he had, and his brow twitched at the answer. "Oh, you have _got_ to be—!"

 _FWOOSH!_

Twin gouts of flame erupted from the rifles, spiking the temperature on the bridge and charring the stones. Conis felt her heart leap as Sharinguru was engulfed in the blaze.

" _JUSTICE TORNADO!"_

And then felt it _plummet_ when not only was the blaze dispersed, but a whirlwind of steel and death charged out at her.

" _Shit!"_ the gunner cursed fearfully as she dove to the side, the tornado only just missing her as it swept past her heels. The channel it carved out of the stone in passing did little to inspire confidence. The fact that the whirlwind was slowly adjusting its trajectory and circling back around at an even _faster_ speed did even less.

Conis swiftly sheathed her rifles, drew and unloaded her secondary set of pistols at the Marine, Flash Dials and all, and bit back a curse as absolutely jack came of it. "Oh, that is _not_ good."

"Bull _shit!_ He'd have to close his eyes to not be affected, how does he even steer without seeing anything?!" Su spat indignantly.

Conis growled as she returned her pistols to their holsters. "At a guess? I'd say his rank and powers mean that he has considerable leeway where collateral damage is—GRGH!" Conis cut herself off as she dodged again, and promptly paled when she noticed that she was missing a corner on her jacket. "Damn it, he's getting faster, and from what I've seen of Paramecias, I doubt he has an upper limit." She whipped her shotgun out from behind her back. "Only one option!"

"Sensible," Su nodded firmly as she analyzed the returning funnel. "Aim for his feet; that blade's at chest height, and with how fast he's going he might actually shred it."

Conis nodded and took aim before slowly lowering her gun as the whirlwind somehow rose into the _air_. "You have _got_ to be kidding me…"

"THE HAMMER OF JUSTICE FALLS FROM ABOVE!" Sharinguru roared before dropping out of the sky.

Barely keeping her panic in check, Conis whipped her hand-cannon up at her adversary—

"Shotgun Palus!"

—and triggered the Swamp Cloud Dial installed within, blasting a thick, syrup-y glob of clouds at her adversary. Conis _swore_ that her heart stopped when Sharinguru's blades shredded the clouds apart—and then a second later, the remnants were sucked back into the whirlwind.

"Ack! What—GAH!" was all the Marine managed to get out before the Swamp Cloud gummed his works up completely and sent him crashing to the ground, upon which he face-planted in a _very_ painful manner.

"Tseeheehee! Do 'Hammers of Justice' usually get caught on clouds halfway down and wind up eating pavement?" Su snickered.

"Be nice, Su," Conis admonished as she stowed her shotgun and took hold of the grip of her bazooka. She was _about_ to pull it out…

"You…"

But then paused and raised an eyebrow as Sharinguru jerked in place. She wasn't disappointed.

"You damn PIRATES!" Sharinguru roared as he snapped his head up, his eyes wide and spittle and more than a little foam flying from his mouth. He struggled fiercely against the dense mass of Swamp Cloud, but all he managed to achieve was to work himself up into a kneeling position. "You think that this changes anything?! You think I've _lost!?_ I'm the _Hero,_ you idiots! Heroes never lose! They are _never_ weak, they are _never_ helpless! They come back from behind, and the villains never ever ever ever EVER _WIN!"_

Conis narrowed her eyes at the tirade and slowly strided forwards, coming closer and closer even as the Marine ranted and raved.

"You'll see, you damn pirate!" Sharinguru howled as he pulled as hard as he could. "Gorilla will free me, or one of the soldiers with us will grow a damn spine and defeat you! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO, THE WORLD WILL ALWAYS REJECT YOU! JUSTICE WILL FOREVER PREVAIL, AND I, THE HERO, _WILL NEVER—!"_

 _KA-CLICK!_

Sharinguru was silenced by Conis heaving her Burn Bazooka _over_ her shoulder rather than under it and pointing the secondary muzzle at him.

"Hey, Wheely?"

The Captain's gaze snapped to the Cloud Fox on the gunner's shoulder, who was grinning victoriously as her tail swayed from side to side.

"Newsflash for you," she sang. "See, the thing about heroes? _They don't_ always _win."_

"And everyone," Conis picked up as she cocked her gun. "Is the hero of their own story." She then tilted her head to the side and smiled. "I'm truly sorry, but it would appear that the world preferred our story to yours. Goodbye."

She then pulled the trigger.

" _Reject Bazooka."_

 _ **BANG!**_

The Reject Dial within the bazooka _roared_ as it fired, slamming a pillar of compressed air stronger than any Burn Bazooka could ever hope to achieve into Sharinguru and _ripping_ both him and his Swamp Cloud bonds from the Bridge. The Captain arced high into the air and hung for a brief moment before coming back down and crashing into the deck of one of the battleships, his velocity punching him clean through and taking him out of sight.

Conis took in the sight for a second as she confirmed that she'd _won,_ before slumping to her knees and clutching her shoulder with a pained hiss. "Owowowowwwww that hurts!" she groaned through gritted teeth as she massaged the throbbing joint. "That was through a medium, without physical contact and with _barely_ any charge in it, and it still almost took me clean off my feet! How in the name of the Blue Seas did Wiper fire off that thing three times in one day without losing his arm!?"

"Beeecause he's a monster worthy of this crew?" Su replied with a cocked eyebrow.

Conis paused thoughtfully at that before hanging her head with a sigh. "Yeah, that's true…" A second later, however, she managed to give Su a smile. "But still… no matter how much it hurts, I wouldn't trade places with him for the world."

"Tseeheehee!" Su giggled as she lightly butted her forehead against her friend's. "You know it!"

 **-o-**

Gorilla charged towards his new opponent, rearing his rifle back as he prepared to _literally_ knock the princess' block off her neck. He was broadcasting pretty blatantly, but he didn't doubt that any attempt to block it would be insufficient against his strength.

" _STOP!"_

And then, for an instant, he froze. Just an instant. It was only less than a second, but in a fight, a second equalled an eternity, and it was this eternity that allowed Vivi to wrap one of her Lion Cutters around his leg and _yank,_ which, when combined with his off-balance position, resulted in him faceplanting on the pavement.

The large Marine raised himself on his palms with a snarl as he glared at the princess. "You…"

"Me," Vivi replied frigidly. "I might not quite have full control of this new ability yet, but I was wrong earlier. Thirty seconds is too much time by half." She grabbed her other cutter and pointed its blade at the Captain. "Four seconds is plenty of time."

Gorilla didn't deign to reply, instead lifting up his gun to fire.

" _Hit yourself."_

The response was only a twitch, albeit a strong twitch, but it was enough to send the bullet wide. Gorilla grimaced ferociously as he took aim again. "Right. Starting after this mission, I'm going to start carrying ear protectors. Let's try that again."

" _Throw the gun off th_ **e bridge."**

Gorilla cursed furiously as his arm snapped out to the side. He was only just able to grab the butt of the weapon with his fingers before it left his reach. "You little—!"

" _There_ we go, now I just need to hold onto that feeling. Now, **hold still."**

Gorilla involuntarily tensed up his form, and Vivi flung her cutter at the arm holding the gun. Her aim was true, it struck his shoulder. And then it bounced off. Vivi's eye twitched in annoyance.

"Alright, how are you doing that? **Explain.** "

"Pah! I would never explain to you that I'm using Iron Body, of course," Gorilla scoffed. "CP9 aren't the only ones with access to the Six Powers, they're just the only ones who are required to master them all and who do so. Some of us, however, find it useful to add some of the techniques to our own arsenals. It's common sense, really, but of course, I'd never tell _you_ that." A second later, his eyes snapped wide in shock. "Wait, _what the hell!?"_

"…Wow _,_ that worked better than I thought it would," Vivi whistled in awe before freezing as a thought struck her. "I am _really_ going to have to be careful around Cross. One wrong word and he'll never shut—!"

The instant Gorilla regained control of his muscles, he pumped his legs as hard as he could and Shaved at the Princess, hand outstretched in desperation.

' _Just need to shut her up, just need to shut her up—!'_ he thought desperately.

" **Halt."**

Instead of shutting her up, he started swearing up a blue streak as he was halted once again. He even prepared to say something, but his words died in his mouth when his enemy looked him in the eye and _stared._

" **You will not move for ten seconds,"** she ordered frigidly. " **Is. That.** _ **Clear?"**_

"Yes, ma'am!" the behemoth of a man whimpered fearfully.

Vivi responded by loosing the breath she'd been holding in a sigh of relief. "Good, because _that_ was a gamble. Now, then." She allowed her Lion Cutters to slip out of her palms so that she was holding them both by their chain. "Let's finish you off, shall we?"

With that, she surged forward and whipped around the Marine Captain. It wasn't Shave-levels of speed, admittedly, but in the course of eight seconds she'd wrapped her weapon's chain around Gorilla's torso in an X and was standing behind him, arms spread and at the ready.

Gorilla eyed his chest warily for a moment before casting a glare over his shoulder. "This won't change anything, you know? My Iron Body is impenetrable! And once this fails, I'm going to—!"

"Oh, why don't you just shut up…" Vivi sighed wearily, followed by a hint of menace in her eyes. "And **relax?"**

The second that last word hit Captain Gorilla's ears, his very being, his body and mind had two entirely opposite reactions. While Gorilla's mind was filled with nothing short of pure and utter existential terror, his body completely relaxed itself, every one of his muscles loosening as he adopted a calm, slumped-over stance.

"If it's any consolation?" Vivi shrugged casually. "I'm fairly certain that you _should_ lose consciousness almost instantly from blood loss. But for now…" Her eyes narrowed menacingly. "For the crimes of driving my country to revolution, threatening the crew who saved me in every conceivable way, and _stealing my friend,_ I sentence you to the mercy of your superiors." She tightened her grip on her chain. "May Osiris have mercy on your soul, because they and I will _NOT!"_ And with that, she ripped her chains forwards. " _IMPERIAL EXECUTION!"_

 _ **SPURT!**_ "AAAGH!"

The curved blades carved a massive X-shaped gash into the Captain's torso, blood spraying into the air. And indeed, the captain's eyes rolled up in his head, showing only the whites.

Vivi held her pose for a moment even as the Captain slumped to his knees. Then, she turned around and bowed slightly. "Sorry, that was a bit harsh and I let my emotions take control of me. I truly hope that you manage to recover. So… no hard feelings?"

"Hrghghhhh…"

"…taking that as a maybe."

"This… This can't be happening! _THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!"_ Spandam hollered from down the street.

"You'd better damn well believe that it is, you bastard!" Vivi called after him. "And once we get our hands on you, _you're next!"_

"Vivi!" Conis called out as she jogged up to the princess. "Do you need any—ERK!" A shiver ran up the gunner's spine as of her boots came down in the puddle of blood spreading out from Gorilla's prone form. "…Never mind, then."

"Yeah, I'm…" Vivi heaved a sigh as she nodded in agreement. "It was tough, but I'm alright. Now that that's out of the way, let's head after Carue and—"

The sound of a hundred flintlocks cocking rang out from the firing line the Marines had set up, three deep and stretching between each side of the bridge. More Marines could be seen aiming rifles at them from the crow's nests of the battleships, others setting up mortars on the decks, and still others fingering their melee weapons behind the firing lines. Rounding out the gathered force was a Marine in a Lieutenant's uniform, slowly clapping with a Su-worthy grin on his face.

"Congratulations," the Lieutenant stated smugly. "You beat Captain Sharinguru and Captain Gorilla. Very impressive, I'll admit. That still leaves, oh, about two thousand of us." A pause, and then he neatly sidestepped a whistling projectile. "And while that sniper of yours is impressive, I have my doubts that he can stop a mass charge."

 _That_ elicited a bout of mad cackling from Spandam. "WAHAHAHA! Yes, yes! Crush them, crush them like the scum they are! Drive them into the—! Eh? Wait a second… WHY THE HELL CAN YOU ALL MOVE WHILE I'M STILL PARALYZED FROM THE NECK DOWN!?"

"The grace of God?" Su muttered to herself as she glanced upwards.

Ignoring the exchange, Vivi and Conis exchanged uneasy glances.

"This is going to _suck_ , isn't it?" Conis groaned as she reluctantly underslung her bazooka.

"Oh, _big time,"_ Vivi confirmed morosely as she crossed her Lion Cutters before her.

The Marines chose that moment to begin flooding off of the battleships and cascading towards them, and the brawl commenced with gusto.

 **-o-**

White.

If you had to pick one adjective capable of describing the massive bathroom in which the fight between CP9's only and the Straw Hat Pirates' first female members was occurring, white would be it. Fluffy cloud clashed with equally fluffy suds, occasionally splitting and fracturing on account of blinding lightning bolts and swift Tempest Kicks criss-crossing and clashing through the air.

It was nothing short of a deadlock due to the two opponents' fighting styles being polar opposites. While Nami's Iron Cloud was perfect in its ineffable durability, standing undaunted against the flood of suds, Kalifa's flood was blindingly fast and practically neverending in the amount of bubbles she could provide. Furthermore, for all that the clouds were impenetrable and relatively swift, they had nothing on Kalifa's Shave and her suds.

In short, while Kalifa couldn't get close enough to so much as lay a finger on Nami, neither could Nami come close to even brushing Kalifa.

And considering how the two had been locked in the same stalemate for the last _ten minutes_ , it was something of an understatement to say that the two parties were more than a little aggravated.

Kalifa growled irritably as yet _another_ wave of suds washed over the Iron Cloud defense to no avail, provoking another lightning bolt that she herself allowed to wash over her own defenses. ' _We're going nowhere at the speed of light,'_ she thought indignantly. ' _One pirate is managing to give me this much trouble, and she's not even one of the_ strong _ones! This is_ embarrassing _, just what the hell can I—!'_ Kalifa blinked thoughtfully as a thought came to her, an eager smile spreading over her lips. ' _Ohhh, yes, that will do nicely.'_

And so, the assassin suddenly came to a halt and threw her arm out, dispelling her suds and drawing Nami up short in confusion. "Allow me to make a statement that I'm sure you'll agree with," the blonde killer stated in a professional tone. "This stalemate has prolonged to the point that it's barely even a fight anymore; neither one of us is making any progress, and I can only assume that you are as irritated as I am."

"You may be a bitch, but I can agree with that," Nami replied testily, drawing her clouds around herself in the process. "But unless you're ready to do the _smart_ thing and hold still so that I can char you into a briquet, I don't see your point in stating the obvious."

"Oh, my point is _quite_ simple, I assure you," Kalifa sniffed haughtily. "While I was hoping to finish this in an enjoyable manner, simple and clean and all that, the fact that a Buster Call—and an apoplectic Fleet Admiral Sengoku—are apparently heading this way, means that I am pressed for time. As such." She adjusted her glasses so that they caught the light. "I'll just have to pull out my trump card."

Before Nami could react, Kalifa leaned over and slid her hands up her body. Suds roiled up from the points of contact as she flexed her power, and the bubbles quickly spread first across her arms, then the rest of her body. Soon, she was clad in a full suit of medieval knight-style armor… made entirely out of soap bubbles.

"Soap Armor," Kalifa proudly declared.

For a moment, there was silence.

"…You look fucking ridiculous, Bubbly," Nami finally declared.

Kalifa ignored the slight with a haughty laugh. "You won't be laughing once you observe the full might of my armor's power!" And with that, the Bubble-woman slammed her visor down and cast her arm out, conjuring a claymore of pure bubbles. "En garde!" And with that, she charged straight for the mass of Iron Cloud.

Nami, for her part, snorted derisively as she watched the charge. Honestly, she'd expected a lot more than _this_ from the Government agent. With an almost careless flick of her wrist, the Navigator launched several balls of electricity at her opponent. Every ball hit its mark, discharging their voltage into the suds and causing them to dissolve in order to expose— _absolutely nothing!?_

"What the _hell!?"_ Nami squawked as the suit of 'armor' collapsed into a puddle of sudsy water, before paling as a thought struck her. "…Oh, don't tell me she's a _Logia!"_

"Not quite."

If Nami had paled before, her blood straight up _froze_ when a pair of iron-hard arms wrapped around her, one clenching her around her windpipe in a chokehold, and one wrapping around the… _lower_ part of the pirate's body.

"Where the _hell_ do you think you're touching!?" Nami hissed.

"Wherever I damn well please, _pirate,"_ Kalifa smirked in Nami's ear. "And for the record, I lied earlier; that was actually my Soap _Doppelgänger_. Now…" Nami's breath hitched when Kalifa flexed her arm around her neck. "How about we put an end to this?"

Even with her air supply obstructed, Nami grit her teeth defiantly and swung her Clima-Tact upwards, sending a wave of Cool Balls at the cloud she'd had floating above the battlefield since the fight had started in earnest. Nami smirked as the heavens burst and a torrential downpour cascaded down upon the pair.

Said smirk died a swift death when Kalifa's only response was to chuckle confidently.

"Ah, you poor, poor girl," the assassin lamented in a faux-sympathetic tone. "So, you figured out how to counter my Golden Bubbles before I could even apply them to you, hm? And even went so far as to make it _rain_ indoors in order to counter me. Impressive, really, but ultimately fruitless."

"W-What are you— _grk!"_ Nami choked painfully as Kalifa squeezed her throat tight and immobilized her.

"Because you see," Kalifa forged on as though she hadn't been interrupted. "I don't plan on using my Golden Bubbles on you, or even killing you, for that matter. Normally, I would just crush your skull like an egg and be done with you, but in light of your crew's… _unprecedented_ actions and the recent expansion of my own arsenal, I've decided to, shall we say, _experiment_ a bit."

The Soap-woman drew her free arm up Nami's side, creating a stream of bubbles even in spite of the rain soaking them both. "My Golden Bubbles wash away everything they come in contact with; filth, strength, even friction itself. So, I'm left wondering… what else can they wash away, hm? Just what…" She started trailing her finger around her captive's ear. "Can these powers _do?"_

Nami's heart all but stopped in her chest as the full implications of what she was hearing hit her. "No…" Nami angled her head as much as she could so that she could stare back at Kalifa in horror. "N-N-No, y-you _can't—!"_

"Ah, but the truth is?" Kalifa spun her hand and evoked a small mass of bubbles in her palm, angled _just_ so that they were shielded from the rain and positioned right over Nami's ear. "I _can._ _Chrome Bubble_ _Cleanse."_

Nami struggled and writhed desperately in the woman's grip, but it was no use. She gasped out a scream as the assassin's hand clamped onto her head and shoved a surge of suds down her ear canals.

"Nonono, _NO!"_ Nami cried fearfully, fighting to get away as hard as she could. She needed to get out, get away, she couldn't let… let… heeeerrr _rrrhghhhrrr…_

Nami's breath caught in her throat and her eyes rolled up in her skull as everything went _white._ Any thoughts of escape, of struggle or resistance or… _anything_ really, dissolved into aether as the soap flowed through her mind. It was just so… so _relaxing,_ as if the soap was scouring away all of the stress and grime that had been building up in her for her whole life. Her muscles rapidly turned to jelly and she fell slack in Kalifa's arms, her eyes glazed and unfocused and her expression as blank as a newfound slate.

Kalifa cocked her eyebrow as she observed the pirate's limp form before stepping back and allowing her to drop, adjusting her glasses as she got a better look at her work. "Interesting. I was expecting a bit more of a struggle, but honestly this might be for the best. Speed kills and all that."

Now, an important fact to note is that most other opponents or enemies would have left some form of parting shot or another to the unmoving vegetable that had moments before been a navigator wielding a weather-manipulating staff. But as it was, Kalifa was a consummate professional. As such, she merely allowed herself a victorious smirk before turning around and walking away.

As she all but strutted for the door to her room, she amused herself with thoughts of how the pirates would react if they managed to find what was left of their navigator before they were destroyed, while at the same time strategizing how she could further utilize and refine her latest technique in the future. Admittedly, the most difficult part of the endeavor would be finding test subjects, but chances were that—

"Vortex."

Kalifa blinked in confusion when she felt a breeze brush against the back of her neck and heard a whisper drift through the air. "Wha—?"

" _Tempo."_

The assassin barely had a moment to feel the wind at her back start to accelerate before her instinct _screamed_ at her, prompting her to drop to the ground and bury an Iron Body-enhanced fist in the floor. The resulting anchor wasn't a moment too soon, because it was all that prevented Kalifa from being sucked into the cyclone that suddenly spun into existence in the center of the room and sucked up all of the remaining suds.

Kalifa craned her neck over her shoulder and paled in shock as she caught sight of Nami standing tall and proud in the eye of the cyclone, her Clima-Tact spinning above her head and a smug grin on her face.

"Surprised?" the pirate drawled.

"You… damn it, you were only pretending!" Kalifa hissed in equal parts fear and fury.

"Ah… heh, no," Nami chuckled as she shook her head. "No, see, that reaction was real, but the _effects_ weren't nearly as bad as you'd hoped they were. I mean, come on, what did you expect? You've only had your powers for a few hours. You really think that you could master them _that_ fast?" The navigator gave an amused shake of her head. "You altered my mind, sure, but all you really did was wash away _parts_ of it. My stress, my frustration, my anger, almost all of the negativity that's been festering in my mind my whole life is just… _gone._ "

Nami smiled slightly as she cocked her head to the side. "Honestly, I _would_ thank you for it, I feel calmer and more relaxed then I have in years…"

Nami's expression darkened with fury as she snapped her arm down and swung her staff out. As a result, the cyclone she was ensconced in came to a halt, but not only did the pillar of cloud not dissipate, but the room began to crackle and reek of ozone.

"But in case you didn't notice, I said 'almost'," the pirate explained grimly.

Kalifa stood up and turned to face her opponent, and promptly froze up as she noticed that, in spite of the suds she'd produced being melted away by the rain, the room was _still white_. But only mostly, seeing as the walls were rapidly turning black.

"Because, in the end…" Nami narrowed her eyes menacingly. " _Nothing_ can make me forgive you for hurting my friends."

As the Iron Clouds her opponent had wrapped herself in molded themselves into a mesh cage, Kalifa could only bring herself to say a single thing.

"…I should have tried my luck with Lucci."

"Considering how you chose to face _us_ instead? Yes. You should have. _Nimbus Tempo."_

And then the _very air itself_ was lightning.

 **-o-**

Blueno slapped his hands over his ears as a thunderclap loud enough to wake the dead sounded out from high above him. Running through the possibilities, he grimaced as he considered what either Kalifa or Fukuro had just had to endure.

He didn't count Kaku or Kumadori amongst the possible targets of the meteorological assault, as the former was fighting Roronoa Zoro rather than Nami, based on Cross' earlier rant, and the latter… well, he had _already_ caught sight of his comrade's bloody, unconscious form in the midst of his flight from the Straw Hats' chef. A flight which, for the record, was still ongoing and not slowing down at all.

To his credit, Blueno was taking full advantage of the mobility that Shave and Moonwalk afforded him, as well as his Door-Door Fruit allowing him to ignore any physical barriers in his path. But going by the fact that said barriers were being systematically _pulverized_ behind him, clearly the cook wasn't slowing down either.

And as if his opponent's sheer persistence wasn't bad enough, the fact was that Blueno's foe was as much of a monster as the two— _three_ Zoans of CP9 were meant that he could use the Tower of Justice itself as a practically inexhaustible store of ammunition. It had taken almost a dozen blows from the pirate before Blueno managed to get it into his head that he didn't even stand a _ghost_ of a chance at taking him on in a straight fight, prompting the switch to his current strategy.

He couldn't fight back while the pirate was in the Air Door, and if he tried to open the way in, he would be lucky if _any_ of his bones were left intact; forcing the pirate out would require more thought and force than he was capable of at the moment. As such, his only option was to run as fast and as hard as he possibly could.

After a quick series of turns through a trio of walls in order to gain a lead, however marginal, the bull-haired assassin took the opportunity to hunch over and wheeze as he tried to get his breath back. Strong as he was, even the agents of CP9 had their limits, and he was rapidly approaching his. He needed to end things fast, or else… well, that didn't really bear thinking about.

Once he got some oxygen back in his lungs, Blueno looked around in an effort to regain his bearings, mentally reviewing the layout of the Tower. Second floor, fifth corridor on the west side, which meant—

Blueno paused thoughtfully for a moment, and then a brutal grin split his face as a plan came to his mind.

 **-o-**

Meanwhile, on the other side of the dimensional axis, Sanji was getting tired, both physically and of the situation in general. His adrenaline and righteous rage were helping him keep pace with the assassin, sure, but not even he could keep going strong after kicking down wall after _far_ more durable than average wall. Not to mention the fact that, to reiterate, he was breathing stale air and the assassin was making no attempt to open the way for a direct fight.

That was easily the most difficult aspect of the conflict; he needed to somehow exit the Air Door before he knocked the assassin unconscious, or else he'd _still_ be stranded forever, and he had to do it in such a manner that the bull didn't enter it himself, or else he and the whole crew would lose by default.

' _And to make matters even_ worse,' Sanji reflected sourly, as he levelled yet _another_ wall. ' _I've already run through every beef recipe I know to help keep me focused.'_ He shook his head dismissively as he dashed through the rubble. ' _Bah, considering what I'll be starting with, it'd be more appropriate to run through recipes focusing on_ cows, _anyway.'_

Moving on from his supremely cathartic thoughts, Sanji scanned around the room as the dust cleared. Going by the array of weaponry strewn about, easy money said that this was the armory of the Tower, or one of them, more likely, given the sheer size of the facility. The chef shivered slightly as the sight of the military arsenal caused dark memories to stir in the recesses of his mind, but he shook them off in favor of concentrating on the here and now.

Sanji glanced around the room, searching for any signs of a closing door…

 _CLINK!_

When he was brought up short by the sound of metal dropping onto a solid surface. He glanced in the direction of the sound, and raised an eyebrow when he caught sight of a half-dozen familiar objects rolling on the floor, all missing critical safety components.

"Grenades," Sanji noted calmly.

Then his mind caught up to him and he all but inhaled his cigarette.

"Oh, _SHI—!"_

He only just managed to throw himself back through the hole in the wall before the grenades detonated.

 **-o-**

Blueno smirked victoriously as a blast of flame and smoke shot out of the hand-sized Air Door he'd opened. Going by the curse he'd just heard, if his trick hadn't managed to finish off the pirate, then at _minimum,_ he was injured or off balance. Still, given how tough he'd been up until then…

"Air Peephole," Blueno stated for his own benefit, pressing against the air and sliding it to the side, opening a line of sight into his dimension. A mass of smoke met his vision, but in the middle of it, he could pick up a very humanoid silhouette… spinning around in place?

"Hmph," the assassin snorted derisively as he shut the hole and walked over to where Sanji was on the other side. "He must be concussed or something. At this point, I'll be putting him out of his misery."

Once he was correctly positioned, Blueno shoved an Air Door open, leapt through and made a grab for Sanji's head - and then was forced to switch his leap to a roll when he fell through thin air instead.

He was just starting to get his breath back when a creaking sound, followed by a voice, came from behind him.

"Eh?" Blueno swung his head around in confusion. "The hell—!? Where did he—?"

"Welcome," a dry and downright malevolent voice drawled behind Blueno, freezing his blood in his veins. "To the Crap Café."

Blueno spun around just in time to catch sight of a flaming _foot_ slamming his only escape route shut.

The blond cook took a deep drag of cigarette as he regarded the assassin. "My name is Sanji," he continued tonelessly. "And I will be both your waiter and your cook today."

Blueno remained frozen in place as Sanji started to stalk towards him.

"Allow me to list," Sanji's next drag lit a proper flame at the end of his cigarette. "The _twelve-course meal_ we have planned for you tonight."

And with that, he _moved._

 **-o-**

A few corridors off from the armory where Blueno had pulled his ploy lay the central staircase of the Tower of Justice, a magnificent work of architecture that flowed upwards and downwards without any difficulties or gaps from the many floors that it crossed. While some parts of the structure had been ravaged by the conflict going on within the building, apart from the tower's bisection and a few other areas, the stairwell was largely unmolested by the fight. It was a true credit to the World Government's architects that the area managed to remain pristine-looking in the midst of all the destruction.

Then a wall imploded and any and all semblance of immaculate perfection shattered in an instant.

A moment later, another wall was ruined, this time by fractures radiating from a central point of impact. Then another, and another after that. Up and down the staircase at varying intervals, the stonework of the stairwell, from walls to steps to railings, all started to disintegrate.

From sites of impact to outright shattering, it was as though some invisible wrecking crew were raining down unholy hell upon the stairwell.

Finally, after about a minute or so, the destruction suddenly halted and the world fell silent.

And _then_ , all at once, a pair of double-doors started to open in midair in the dead center of the stairwell.

"FLAMBÉ BARRAGE!"

Said doors were promptly _blasted_ off their hinges by a suit-wearing minotaur slamming through them, his eyes rolled into his head and blood flying from his mouth on account of the blazing volley of flaming arcs of air that were slamming into his chest. Said arcs were being launched from the blazing leg of the blond cook who followed the minotaur through the dimensional gap moments after him, before the hole could fade into nonexistence.

Satisfied with his assault, Sanji flipped and landed on one of the intact railings in the stairwell, taking the reprieve to draw a cigarette and his lighter from his pockets, his previous cigarette having been ashed over the course of his assault.

"You damn slippery bull…" he growled to himself, glaring up over his shoulder towards Blueno's falling form as he flicked a flame out of his lighter. "You made me miss out on a chance to covertly check out the room of the beautiful Kalifa."

In spite of his rage, Sanji looked away as Blueno reached the apex of his arc and started to fall, taking a calming drag from his cigarette before sighing out a cloud of smoke. "But, then again, I suppose it just can't be helped. After all…"

Blueno's smoking body smashed into the ground floor of the tower in a heap, shattering the stonework into dust. He didn't get back up.

"This prince is already occupied with saving his fair lady."

 **-o-**

On the island of Enies Lobby, there was a tower. Inside the Tower of Justice was a room. That room, which belonged to Jabra of CP9, was decorated in the manner of the great gardens of the country Wano. At its best, it was a serene, beautiful place where Jabra could vent his frustrations when training and missions failed to do so.

One would be hard pressed to call it beautiful anymore.

The lovingly maintained grass was torn up and shredded, revealing large patches of bare sod. The rest of the plant life in the room had fared no better, reduced to salad and sawdust by cutting force. At least one rock had a massive square-shaped hole going dead center. And, of course, there was the entire ceiling slowly sliding off like the world's largest Jenga piece.

And about fifteen feet to the left of center was the culprit of this devastation: a whirlwind of steel, razor air, and one massive square nose. A great swordsman once said, "Without subtlety, a sword is but an iron bar." The duel between Zoro and Kaku held no such subtlety by this point. Three-sword style, Four-sword Giraffe style, both discarded for good old hack and slash. Each blow was a killing blow, each parry attempted to break the sword that landed on it. It was the swordsman equivalent of a back-alley brawl.

And it was a brawl Kaku was losing.

Not quickly, mind you. Why, to the eyes of most casual observers, it looked like he wasn't even losing at all. But the eyes of an _astute_ watcher would notice one crucial fact: Zoro was on the offensive, and he was controlling the pace of the fight. The giraffe-man's every action was a _re_ action, and he was giving ground.

Still, he had a plan. As he slowly retreated, he drew his neck in, ostensibly to increase the reach of his limbs to better defend against the relentless onslaught he was being subjected to. And that did help, Zoro's slashes falling further away from his soft underbelly. But it was still only a delay; Kaku had a much more offensive move planned.

Finally, it was enough. His nose shot out like a cannon shot, the shout of "GIRAFFE BLAST!" ringing out, and smashed into Zoro's crossed swords with a massive metallic clang. The pirate grunted, the muscles in his arms bulging, and with a roar he threw Kaku to the side, the giraffe-man rolling.

"Do you know what the definition of insanity is?" Zoro growled, sheathing Kitetsu and Yubashiri. "Trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Two-Sword Style…"

Before Kaku could pull up his guard again, his opponent was on him, swords ready to flash from their sheathes.

"—Castle Gate!"

"Tempest Kick!"

Sadly, the blast, instead of hitting vulnerable Iron Body, skittered off the roaring winds of Kaku's favorite of the Six Powers.

"And I could say the same to you," Kaku retorted, landing back on his feet. "As I said before: it's up to me whether I catch an attack with Iron Body or not." And with that, he hopped onto his hand and began spinning his body around, the Sky Slicer starting to form around the arc.

"Tch," Zoro grunted, re-drawing his swords and pulling them back. "You're wide open like that! 108 Caliber Phoenix!"

"Sky Slicer!" Kaku called out as he hastily aborted the attack, though the wind already gathered was more than sufficient to cancel out the incoming Phoenix.

As Kaku flipped back on his feet, the two fighters evaluated their options. The number of attacks available to them capable of punching through Iron Body—' _And wasn't_ that _a fine thing to discover mid-battle!'_ Kaku thought bitterly as his hoof throbbed in memory—had been essentially expended already. And as for trying to remain mobile to deny him the usage of Iron Body… well, that was a doomed tactic for any assassin worth their salt, as proven by the earlier clash.

True, the agent could _try_ to turn the fight into a battle of escalation, pumping more and more sheer power into his attacks until he overwhelmed the pirate…

Kaku gave the swordsman a onceover before shivering heavily. But no; young though his abilities might have been, he still had _some_ measure of animal instincts in him, and they were all roaring at full cylinders that trying to go blow for blow with his opponent was a thoroughly _bad_ idea.

So, if mobility, ability and strength were out, then all that was left was…

Zoro blinked in surprise as Kaku shrank back down to his human form, but he didn't let the tension leave his stance.

Kaku leveled a firm gaze at his opponent. "It's clear that we're not getting anywhere with the pace we're going at, and considering what's on the way to the island right now, I think it would be in our best interests to finish this. I propose that we both drop our Iron Bodies…" He raised his two swords. "And we put our energies into one final sword technique. The winner walks away, and the loser falls."

Zoro took only a second to process that before smirking. "I accept," he growled eagerly.

Kaku nodded, and brought up his swords, arms held wide and tips pointed inwards. Zoro reciprocated, putting the hilts of his handheld swords together, the blades pointing clockwise, one in a standard grip and the other in a reverse grip. For a tense moment, neither of them moved, and then Kaku surged forward with the fastest Shave he could muster.

"Three-Sword Style…" Zoro announced, spinning his swords in a circle.

Mid-Shave, Kaku spread his swords out, blades pointing in, and activated his Iron Body to take whatever attack was coming. And he had a little something extra planned for once he launched his own attack.

"Secret Technique…"

Kaku was just launching his attack, swords moving in…

"Three Thousand Worlds!"

And then Kitetsu flashed down out of the spin, shattering his swords like spun glass. Yubashiri came around the next second, carving through his Iron Body like so much wax paper and opening him up from hip to collarbone. Wado Ichimonji adding another cut over his chest was just salt in the wound.

Kaku hit the ground shoulder-first, flipping onto his back and reverting back to his human form before coming to a stop. For a few seconds, he just lay there, gasping and panting in pain. He had lost.

"You… You knew that I… cheated…" the Giraffe-man wheezed. "You knew that… I'd use my powers… that I'd use… Iron Body… how—?"

"Because while you definitely have real skills, you're not a swordsman," Zoro calmly replied as he drew his bandanna from his head and sheathed his swords. "Not a swordsman first, at any rate. Above all else, you are an assassin. That means you let neither pride nor honor stand in the way of your victory."

Kaku was silent for a moment as he stared upward before allowing a smile to part his lips. "Heh…" he chuckled grimly. "Yeah, that's… about the right of it. Fat lot of good— _ergh!—_ it did me this time around…" The assassin lapsed into silence for a moment before turning a bittersweet smile on Zoro. "You didn't even… use your full strength… did you?"

Zoro regarded him for a second before hanging his head with a sigh as he scratched the back of his head. "Sorry about that, I just wanted the fight to last longer. For what it's worth? You _were_ the best fight I've had in a long time."

"Heh… heheh…" Kaku coughed up a mouthful of blood as he chuckled. "High praise, coming from you… at least I can say… I still have my pride." He shifted around a bit before frowning in annoyance. "Ah… could you reach into my jacket? Left breast pocket, it's— _ugh!—_ where my key is. I'd get it myself… but my arms, well…"

Wordlessly, the green-haired swordsman moved over to Kaku, his guard not faltering despite the apparent helplessness of the assassin. But as he withdrew the key from the specified pocket, Zoro's expression lightened somewhat.

"Looks like you have more honor than I gave you credit for," he said. And with that, he rose and began walking away, out of the ruined garden. But as evidenced by the giraffe-man speaking up, again, his ex-opponent wasn't unconscious yet.

"I… I have no doubt that I'm only entertaining this… because of how I think that there's more blood… outside of my body than in it. But… I don't suppose… you have an open space on your crew?" Kaku's smile took on a pessimistic overtone. "I… think there's a very good chance that I might be out of a job."

Zoro paused for a moment before shooting a half-smirk over his shoulder. "While I'm sure that Luffy would let you join if you really wanted to, the fact is that we've already got someone lined up for the position you're most likely thinking of. And this might be a bit unusual for me, but… I'll admit that he's pretty cool. In fact…" His smirk became a full-blown grin. "I'd even go so far as to say he's downright _super."_

And with that, Zoro resumed walking towards the exit from the devastated room.

Kaku stayed quiet for a moment as he processed the parting statement before allowing a bloody chuckle to escape. "Heh… heheheh… I-I guess…" he giggled to nobody in particular. "That today… just really isn't my day, huh? Heheh, heheheh!"

Whether by chance or by divine intervention, an ordinary, everyday rooster chose that exact moment to flap over and perch itself on the tip of the assassin's nose.

This twist of fate only made him laugh harder for the last few seconds of consciousness he had left.

 **-o-**

Carue clenched his beak together as Funkfreed's razor-edged trunk swept through where his head had been milliseconds before. The tusks, just as sharp, proved just as ineffective. Unfortunately, as good as his dodging was, it was _all_ he could do. His claws had proven themselves to be completely ineffectual against the elephant-sword's thick, steel-hard hide, and after the first time his Shave-charge had bounced off of Funkfreed's skull, he had proceeded to fill the length of the bridge with his serpentine bulk and block every avenue of attack.

' _I guess he's the bodyguard of someone of that much authority for a good reason,'_ the duck reflected sourly.

"That's right, Funkfreed! Don't give that overgrown duck even an inch!" Spandam cheered.

As much as Spandam's voice grated at Carue's ears, it also served to help goad him on, his mind flying at a million miles an hour in an attempt to devise _some_ way around the living sword before it was too late—

"AH!"

Only for his thought process to slam to a halt when a pained cry cut through the pandemonium of the bridge.

' _Vivi!'_

Carue didn't even hesitate for a second before turning on his heel and tearing down the Bridge of Hesitation, the world slowing to a halt as he pushed his body to the limit and dashed through the masses of Marines towards his charge.

' _I need to protect Vivi, I need to protect Vivi!'_ Over and over, the mantra that he'd drilled into his head since he was a chick rang through his skull, pushing the Supersonic Duck even faster. Within less than a minute, he was within eyesight of his friends. His claws bit into the stone of the bridge, tensing for a Shave that would put him right next to her.

' _I need to protect—!…eh?'_

And then, he actually _looked_ at the scene before him, and the mantra fell away. The reason for this was that while Vivi had managed to accrue a small collection of cuts, scrapes, and bruises on her person, every single one of them was minor. Even the major wound in her gut, despite its size and apparent severity, was clearly not hampering her in the least, as the way she was systematically cutting down any Marines that approached her attested to.

Even as he watched a fireteam of Marines charge her, Carue could already tell what they couldn't and didn't: they were already defeated the instant they decided to stand against her. And as Vivi's Lion Cutters wrapped around them and tore through them, an epiphany happened to strike Carue.

' _I_ don't _need to protect Vivi…'_ he thought, the realization hitting him like one of Eneru's thunderbolts. ' _Vivi's gotten stronger. She's strong enough that she can handle herself. I… I_ don't _need to protect her.'_ And then _another_ realization hit him, in quick succession. ' _I don't need to protect her. The ones I need to protect…'_

His left foot, on the fifth push of the Shave, slammed into the stone in just such a manner that he spun on his other talon, turning a full 180 degrees and glaring daggers at the elephant-sword that was standing in his path.

"Aye need…" Carue snarled, determination blazing in every fiber of his being. "TO PWOTECT MY FWIENDS!"

And with that, Carue slammed ten steps into the pavement at once and launched himself forward with a furious squawk. He then repeated the process with his other leg, only that time he put in twelve steps at once. Then thirteen from there. Then fifteen, and then twenty, each successive Shave faster and more powerful than the last.

And then the duck hit thirty steps at once and the air around him _snapped_ , the pressure wave and noise flinging almost fifty-four, fifty-five Marines off their feet. Vivi and Conis exchanged shocked looks at the development before electing to take full advantage of the subsequent gap to storm further down the bridge after the duck, who was now speeding straight for the the opponent he'd abandoned.

Funkfreed blinked at the display in shock, closing his eyes for a fraction of a second—

" _SUPAHSONIC!"_

And then time froze for the sword as it opened its eyes and Carue was _right there,_ hanging before his face, talons extended and rocketing right at his forehead.

Funkfreed hastily flexed his forehead, his hide reflecting a flash of eternal sunlight as it hardened into steel.

" _ **KICK!"**_

 **SKRANG!**

And then all movement on the bridge froze as all eyes were drawn to where Carue's talons were planted in the dead center of Funkfreed's forehead. For a moment, the world stayed perfectly frozen, as if it were all a picture.

And then Carue fell onto his ass while Funkfreed stayed standing.

A moment of silence, and then Spandam broke out into a mad cackle. "WAHAHAHAAAAHA! Well done, Funkfreed, well done! You see that, you stupid pirates?! You bastards never had a chance of beating… an…"

Spandam trailed off in horror as his sword started to keel over with agonizing slowness, the change of angle displaying both the whites of his insensate eyes and the pair of talon-shaped dents in his skull.

The Zoan-weapon didn't even fall halfway when he suddenly disappeared, a single badly-dented sword with tusks at the hilt and a tail-like tassel clattering to the ground where he once stood.

Spandam stayed frozen even as Carue pushed himself onto his legs, shaking but still standing. He then flinched in terror as the duck pinned him with a determined glare.

"You'we next," the Captain of the Supersonic Duck Squadron declared venomously. He took a step forward—and then promptly collapsed beak-first with a cry of pain. "WAGH!"

"CARUE!" Vivi screamed.

"W-What the—!?" Carue squawked painfully, agony shooting through his body from his talons up. He tried to push himself up with his wings, but collapsed again when the leg he tried to support himself with gave out with a sickening crack. The duck stared over his shoulder in equal parts agony and naked horror. "OW! My wegs! D-Damn it, m-my wegs just bwoke!"

"Damn it…" Conis cursed beneath her breath as she took in the Marines who were starting to get their nerve back. "Hang on, Carue, we'll be right there!" So saying, she _made_ to heft her Burn Bazooka, only to drop it with a cry of pain when her arm suddenly fell slack mid-motion. "GAH!"

"Conis! What's—!?" Su took one look at her friend's arm before stiffening fearfully. "Your shoulder just jumped its socket!"

"Grrghh…" Conis ground out as she clutched her throbbing shoulder. "Heartwarming gift or not, I'm starting to think that that damn Reject Dial was more trouble than it was worth…"

Spandam was quick to recover his ego and don a malicious grin as he flung his head back. "Oh, now this is just _perfect! WAHAHAHA—_ Eh?" He blinked in surprise as he realized something. "Huh… looks like I can move again." He stared blankly at his hands for a second before sneering and casting his arm out. "KILL THEM ALL!"

"No! **Leave them alo** — _ah!"_ Vivi's command was choked off as she collapsed to the ground, as though her strings had just been snipped out from above her.

"Vivi!" Carue squawked fearfully.

"Ah, w-what—!?" Vivi squirmed fruitlessly as she tried to force something, anything at all to move. "M-My body! It won't move, I-I-I can't do anything!"

"Oh, _perfect,"_ Su groaned as she dragged a paw down her face. "The newfound superpower you've been spamming for the past five minutes has an unexpected drawback. Because of _course_ it does. Hands up, who didn't see this coming? _AND I WASN'T ASKING YOU!"_ she snapped at the few Marines who actually raised their hands, though she was quick to recoil when their comrades levelled their weapons at her. "Ah… actually, if I may rephrase that—?"

"Soldiers!" Spandam barked through a sadistic grin as he raised his arm. "On my mark, _kill_ the Straw Hat Pirates!"

"NO!" Robin pleaded, jerking desperately against the soldiers holding her.

Spandam's grin was nothing but pure evil as he turned his attention to his captive. "Nico Robin," he drawled venomously. "Allow me to officially welcome you to _Hell."_

And so, in spite of Robin's cries, he started to swing his arm down and the orders were just about to leave his lips—

"THE ONLY PERSON GOING TO HELL TODAY IS _YOU,_ FUCKFACE!"

When he was brought up short by a furious voice roaring through the air.

"What the—!?"

 _ **CRUNCH!**_

"—GWARGH!"

The next moment, a pair high-velocity metal boots collided with Spandam's face.

Everyone present stared in shock as the Director of CP9 was sent tumbling ass over teakettle, glaring between his legs at the person who'd just landed on the bridge.

Jeremiah Cross snorted proudly as he readjusted the brim of his cap. "Dynamic. Entry," he enunciated clearly.

 **-o-**

Well, _that_ had been a heck of a start to the finale of this little crusade of ours.

As if hanging off of Franky's back while he and Boss scaled the side of the Bridge wasn't blood-pumping and gut-wrenching enough, we'd arrived at the top to the sight of our friends coming damn close to getting _executed._

Thankfully, Franky and Boss combined were more than strong enough to throw me at a certain piece of human filth before he could give the order. Now _that_ had been a wild and _damn_ cathartic voyage.

As for my three companions, weeell…

"BARRACUDA BARRAGE!"

"WEAPONS LEFT!"

"CHERRY BLOSSOM BLAST!"

Suffice to say that they were currently occupied with securing our vanguard's safety.

"Weeeeell, look at this!" Boss proclaimed, his grin face-splitting as he spun his rope-dart at his side. "Looks like we got here just in the nick of time! What does that make us?"

"Big Damn Heroes, Boss," Franky laughed, the capitalization clearly audible as he slammed his fists together.

" _Ain't we just?"_ Soundbite and I said in unison. Soundbite then turned his eyestalks to glare murderously at Spandam. " **Cut her loose."**

"'Ou… 'Ou _bastards_ ," Spandam slurred through his compacted face as he struggled to get back up into a sitting position. "Do 'ou even 'ow what yer doin'!? _Dat woban id a debon!"_

" **Yeeeaaah…"** Soundbite drawled as he nodded his head side to side before glancing at Robin and grinning. " **But she's our demon."** He then snapped his teeth at Spandam. " _ **SO CUT HER THE HELL LOOSE."**_

I grinned at the display for a moment before shaking my head. "Nah, nah, he doesn't need to bother. I got this." With that, I walked up to Robin and grabbed her cuffs.

"C-Cross—!" she started shakily.

"Shhh," I hushed her as I looked her restraints over and confirmed that they were the number 5 pair. "You can say what you want once you're free. For now? This is about to get impressive. Watch _this."_

I then stood up, turned around and shot my hand into the air, five fingers spread and palm facing towards the Tower of Justice.

 **-o-**

Usopp adjusted his goggles in order to confirm what he was seeing before leaning over so that he could shout down into the Tower through the hole he'd opened in the roof. "SHE'S WEARING NUMBER FIVE!"

"GOT IT!" Nami called up before blowing a whistle and waving down the tower's central shaft. "KALIFA HAD NUMBER TWO, WE NEED NUMBER FIVE!"

"BLUENO HAD THREE, NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji called out from a dozen floors below. "MOSSHEAD, WHERE ARE YOU?"

"GOT IT RIGHT HERE!" Zoro shouted - from the ground floor.

"THE HELL!? I THOUGHT THAT THE DAMN GARDEN ROOM WAS _ABOVE_ ME! HOW DID YOU EVEN—!?"

"OH, SHUT THE HELL UP, THIS DAMN PLACE IS CONFUSING!" Zoro roared indignantly. "ANYWAY…" He clutched the key in his fist and reared his arm back. "CATCH, SHITCOOK!" The swordsman unwound and shot the small sliver of metal at the chef like a certain geezer's cannonballs.

Sanji bit back a curse as he caught the key a few inches from his face. "Son of a—! Damn crazy mossheaded—!" He was quick to recover and get his mind back on track, balancing the key on his foot. "COMING TO YOU, NAMI-SWAN!" he shouted up before snapping his leg out and passing the key up the tower.

Nami caught the key with a mitt of Iron Cloud and promptly used her free hand's thumb to aim as the cloud flowed from catch to throw in one smooth motion. "ALL YOURS, USOPP!"

The sniper held his slingshot in the path of the key, catching it in the pouch and grabbing it as it snapped back before lining his shot up with the Bridge.

"One more shot from the King of the Snipers…" Usopp grinned to himself as he let his projectile fly.

 **-o-**

I snapped my fist shut around the key the second it slapped into my hand. Then, in one fluid motion, I bent down, inserted the key into the cuffs and turned it, clicking the lock open.

Robin stared in shock as the restraints clanked to the ground. "Ah…" she whispered numbly as she held her wrists up and flexed her fingers.

"Wha—!? Z-Zad's nod bozzible! Y-You baztards muzt have—!"

 _ **BOOM!**_

"— _UGWARGH!"_

I shot a grateful thumbs-up at our covering sniper before grinning confidently as I picked the cuffs up and spun them around my finger. "And _that,_ " I gloated. "Is how _we_ roll." I then tossed the cuffs up and held my bag open, allowing the seastone (I had to fight to keep myself from cackling gleefully at that little tidbit) to drop into it with a clank. "And don't you ever dare to forget it!"

Robin jerked as the sound apparently snapped her out of her reverie before shifting uncomfortably, glancing away as she rubbed her arm. "Cross… about Water 7, what I did—!"

"Before you say anything," I interrupted her as I dug a bundle of leather out of my bag and plopped it on her head. "Here."

Robin's head flinched under my hand and reached up to feel just what I'd put on her, snapping her gaze up in shock as she grasped her cowboy hat. "T-This is—!"

"You forgot it, before this mess started," I explained with a casual smile. "Don't lose it again, alright?"

A swirl of emotions swept over Robin's face, tears welling up in her eyes. "Cross—"

"Hey," I interrupted her as I grasped her shoulders. "No tears right now, alright? There'll be plenty of time to get weepy and sappy and whatever the hell else we can blackmail you with later. But right now, what we need is for you to be the cold as steel, tough as nails badass bitch we've all grown to know, hate and love in equal measure. You think you can do that?"

Robin stared at me a moment longer before bowing her head with a wry chuckle. "…You are a real piece of work, Jeremiah Cross…"

She then glanced over her shoulder and a chorus of snaps, cracks and screams heralded busy days for the Marines' doctors.

"But," Robin smiled as she stood up, holding her hat in place. "I do believe that I can manage that."

I nodded proudly as I patted her shoulder. "That's what I hoped you'd say. But for now, if you'll excuse me…" I slammed my fist into my palm with a sadistically eager grin as I turned to address the source of the pained groans starting to waft through the air. "I am about to seamlessly mix business and pleasure, so that your own experience might be all the more enjoyable. You mind?"

Robin eyed my target for a moment before bowing her head with a smirk. "Oh, no, please, I absolutely _insist."_

"As you say," I bowed exaggeratedly before walking towards Spandam's stirring form, Soundbite's powers amplifying the sound of my footsteps. The… _individual_ slowly raised his head in horror as I drew near enough to see the separations on the leather straps of his mask. I grinned cheerily as I snapped up a mock-salute. "Howdy. Remember me?"

"You…" Spandam's eyes widened in recognition. "J-Jeremiah Cross—! You're—!"

"The guy who _burned_ Pluton's blueprints in cold blood and who has _systematically_ ruined your life over the past hour?" My smile took on a bloodthirsty overtone as I tilted my head _just_ so. "Yes. Yes, I am."

Spandam's expression slowly contorted into one of fury. "You… You _son of a—!"_

" _EVIL_ **suit-wearing LEATHER-ASS** _ **STRING BEAN SAY**_ _**whaaat?!"**_

The scumbag in question blinked in confusion. "Wha—"

 _CRACK!_

"GAWRGH!" Spandam howled in agony as the toe of my greave slammed into his chin.

"My turn," I chirped pleasantly as I leaned over and hauled him up by his collar. "Hello, _Spandam._ What say we chat, hm?"

"By jaw…" Spandam gurgled painfully. "'Ou bwoge by jaw…"

"Ooooh, Spandam, Spandam, _Spandam,"_ I chuckled as I shook my head. "Trust me when I say that _that_ is going to be the absolute _least_ of your worries."

 **-o-**

" _See, I've known about you for awhile, Spandam, and I've thought long and hard about what I'd do to you if I ever happened to run into you,"_ Cross stated, his voice devoid of any emotion but a hard, malicious kind of glee. " _And as I've thought about you, I've come up with oh so many possibilities, oh so many ways I can punish you for every last second that you have perpetrated the_ inexcusable _crime of existing. Let's read off a few, shall we? We'll start with the basics: I_ could _simply beat you to a pulp that not even your rat-bastard of a father could love. I could have Soundbite practice his Gastro-Blast on you until your whole body is jelly or his voice gives out, whichever comes first. I could have him recite any one of the terrible, utterly_ horrific _sounds he keeps stored in his grey matter on full blast until yours starts dribbling out of your ears. And those are the indiscriminate. What say we move on to specific body parts, hm?"_

A special kind of malevolent evil slowly started to slide into Cross's expression, and his voice fell into a whisper.

" _I could cut off your fingers one joint at a time, and feed them to you knuckle by knuckle. I could use my Flash Dial to burn your eyes out of your head until all you have left are empty sockets. I could use a needle to hollow out every one of your teeth before sticking pins through the cavities and soaking them in vinegar and lemon juice. I could break your jaw, or rather I could_ re- _break it_ , _and then use it to force you to bite off your own tongue. Ah! But, of course, I'd_ start _by pouring molten sand down your throat, in order to muffle that irritating whining you'd be making the entire time that would prevent me from enjoying my work."_

Saldeath whistled in awe as he eyed the Impel Down staff room's snail. "Wow. If he wasn't on the other side of the law, I'd consider scouting him for a job. Chances are that he'd make executive in a year, easy."

"You're underselling him. Six months, minimum~❤"

The demon-looking man hummed in agreement as he nodded his head to the side, before pausing and glancing at his fellow executive. " _You're_ taking notes on this? You, of all people?"

Sadi giggled ecstatically as she continued to transcribe everything that the pirate was saying. "But of course! More than half of these ideas are highly novel, and quite possibly effective at that! Didn't you know, Salsy? Being a professional is all well and good, but amateurs will forever be the most dangerous for a reason, you know~❤"

 **-o-**

"—And then I would make you _eat_ the salsa _,_ " I concluded bluntly, taking _great_ pleasure in my captive audience's terrified whimpering.

"… **dude,"** Soundbite gaped in awe.

"Cross? Color me convinced that _you_ are the scariest person on the crew when you're angry," Lassoo muttered fearfully.

"Eh," I cocked my head to the side. "That's an unfair metric, seeing as I doubt that I could hate anyone as much as I hate this particular individual right here. Case in point?" I jerked my head back over my shoulder. "I'm sufficiently pissed off that I could hand you over to Chopper with explicit instructions that he do his _worst."_

I blocked out the ecstatic squeak our doctor let out at that.

"But!" I snapped a finger up just as Spandam looked like he was about to faint. "I'm not going to do any of that."

Hope blossomed on Spandam's face, and I had to resist the urge to imitate the Cheshire Cat, because oh, _man,_ he had _no idea_ what was coming. And that just made it even more delicious.

"I'm going to do something worse than everything I've said up to this point _combined_."

There it was. That glorious dawning moment of comprehension adored by sadists and stuffed tigers the world over. I swiftly drew my Vision Dial and immortalized that expression for all eternity before grabbing Spandam's collar and hauling him around so that he had an unobstructed view of the two comrades who'd come to stand behind me.

"I believe you've met my friends, Franky and Nico Robin," I drawled. It was _very_ satisfying to watch Spandam become stark white as the pair loomed over him.

"In case you've forgotten," I hummed indifferently. "You framed Franky and sentenced his mentor to death a few years back, your father destroyed Robin's homeland when she was a child, you've made the past twenty-four hours of their lives a living hell…" I made a show of snapping my fingers in realization. "Oh, yeah, and you personally kicked the shit out of them less than an hour ago."

" _Pupupupupupu!"_ Soundbite chortled ecstatically in a thoroughly chipper and despair-inducing voice, revelling in the fact that Spandam didn't even have the strength in him to shiver anymore. "LET'S GIVE IT EVERYTHING WE'VE GOT!"

I shoved my hand out, tossing Spandam to the feet of Robin and Franky. Their expressions were shadowed, but I _swear_ that their eyes were shining murderously, and that I could _see_ the _**GOGOGOGOGO~**_ characters floating in the air above them.

"Have fun, you two," Isang as I waved at them. "And parents back home, fair warning: this is about to become _very_ R-rated."

" _ **IT'S PUNISHMENT TIME!"**_

And with that, I clamped my headphones over my ears _just_ as the screaming started.

 **-o-**

"Gahahaha! Yeah, that's right! Give it to him, pound him to pieces!" Genzo cheered exuberantly as he swung his fists through the air. He then made a grab at his side - and blinked in confusion when he only hit air. "Eh? Where the hell'd my sake go?"

"Right here," Nojiko deadpanned as she swished the bottle in her grip. "And before you even think of protesting, even if this is as cathartic as when Nami sent that rat-bastard flying, if you didn't notice me taking this from you, then you're drunk enough already."

"Ergh… yeah, alright, maybe you have a— _HEY!"_ Genzo barked indignantly as Nojiko knocked the bottle back.

" _Pwah!"_ The tangerine farmer blew out a hearty sigh as she put the bottle down. "What? I said that _you're_ drunk enough. I'm just getting started."

"Tsk…" Genzo scoffed, looking away. "I _told_ Bellemere that she wouldn't make a good—!" CLONK! "OW!"

"DON'T TRASH TALK THE DEAD!"

"SHE WAS MY DAMN DRINKING BUDDY, I'LL TALK ABOUT HER HOWEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE!"

"YOU OLD—!"

" _HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT SPORK?! AAAAHHH!_ AAAAHHH! **AAAAHHHHH!** _ **AAAAAHHHHHHH!"**_

The two briefly ceased their argument as Spandam's agonized wails reached new levels, and both wondered what exactly _was_ happening.

 **-o-**

Allow me to be perfectly frank: the first several seconds of the unmitigated beatdown were _beyond_ cathartic, true as true can be, but I soon felt a bit of a sweatdrop hang off my temple as I realized that, well… theeey weren't stopping. Like, _any_ time soon. Which meant that this was getting… let's say _awkward._

"Sooo, ah, guys?" I spoke up with a nervous chuckle as I scratched the back of my neck. "IIII'm gonna just, ah… check on our friends? You know, if that's alright with you?"

The only response I received was a glass-shatteringly high-pitched falsetto scream.

" **I think that THAT'S ALRIGHT** _with them,"_ Soundbite chuckled nervously.

"Aye!" I squawked in agreement as I spun on my heel and dashed over to our friends.

"Lordy lordy," Boss whistled in awe, watching the morbid spectacle even as he continued to use a Marine Lieutenant's head as a punching bag. "I didn't know human limbs could bend that way!"

"Eh… seriously?" Su cocked her eyebrow in confusion as she watched from atop an insensate pile of Boss's handiwork. "Shouldn't that be, like, blindingly obvious?"

"No, I mean, I didn't know it could bend that way and stay attached."

"Ahhh… yeah, I see your point. Resilient little fucker, isn't he?"

"The nastiest cockroaches always are," I commented drolly as I walked by them. I then focused on where Chopper was tending to our vanguard. "Ladies, duck… you look like shit."

"I'd teww you to fawk off, but I _feew_ wike it too…" Carue groaned as he massaged his newly bandaged legs.

"I'm not surprised, considering you broke _every single bone in your legs in three places each, WITH MICROFRACTURES COATING THE REST!"_ Chopper snapped as he rammed a syringe into the duck's wing, ignoring his pained squawk. "Also, this is temporary until I can get them in proper casts, so for Asclepius' sake, _don't use them_ unless someone's about to _die!"_

I gave a light cough, drawing his attention back to me. "Prognosis, doc?"

"Oh, hey, Cross," he waved his hoof absently as he stood up and walked back to the other two. "You've heard about Carue's injuries, but Conis and Vivi are in better shape. Conis just has a dislocated shoulder and some bruises, and aside from exhaustion, which I fixed with a supplement, Vivi just has a flesh wound. I'm afraid that that _will_ scar, by the way."

Vivi nodded her head with a groan as she waved him off.

"Anyway…" Chopper turned his attention to our gunner as he shifted into his Heavy Point. "Conis, just hold your arm in place and I can get you a sling in—"

"The bone isn't _actually_ broken, right?" Conis confirmed as she reached behind her back. "The joint is still intact, it's just dislocated?"

"Ah…" Chopper blinked in confusion. "Yeah, the bone looks to be fine, why do you a—?"

 _CR-CRACK!_ "GRGH!"

Chopper cut himself off and gaped silently for a second before pinching the bridge of his nose with a groan. "Tell me you did not just do that. _Tell me that you did not just RESET YOUR OWN DAMN SHOULDER_ _ **USING A RIFLE AS A LEVER."**_

"Sorry, Chopper," Conis apologized with a sheepish grin as she wound a roll of gauze around her shoulder. "But Captain McKinley would have my beret if I let something like a loose shoulder stop me for more than a minute, and I will _not_ disrespect the corps."

"… **If I see one more instance of back-alley quackery performed before me today,** _ **I swear to EVERY LAST DIVINITY IN EXISTENCE—!"**_

"So, Vivi!" I yelped hastily, hoping to divert Chopper's mind from any thoughts of retribution. "How are you feeling? The heck happened to you, anyway?"

"Ah…" Vivi started, before wincing as she rubbed her throat. " _Ah, bit dry. Do you have anything to—?"_

"Ah…" I spent a second patting myself down, but then I snapped my fingers as a thought struck me. "OH! I know!" I turned towards the melee. "Hey, Franky! You got anything to drink, or—?"

 _THWACK!_

"YEOW!" I yelped, clutching my skull where a metal flask had bounced off of it. Impressively enough, it actually landed in Vivi's lap. "Owww… thanks anyway!"

"MY RIBS ARE IN MY EYES! _THEY'RE IN MY EYES!"_

"You don't _deserve_ eyes!" I yelled back. I then eyed Vivi as she took a swig from the flask. "Feeling any better?"

Vivi coughed a bit in order to clear her airways before nodding thankfully. "Yeah. Cola works wonders on sore throats."

"Oh, that's cola?" I perked up eagerly and held my hand out. "Give it here, I'm parched!"

Vivi conceded absentmindedly before giving me a quizzical look. "Ah, Cross… are you at all familiar with a technique that lets someone overpower everyone around them using nothing but their own willpower?"

I paused as I was about to take a sip and eyed her in confusion. "Er… yeeees? What I'm wondering is how the hell _you_ know about it. That's not exactly public knowledge there, princess. Or, well…" I shrugged with a grin. "It wasn't until you _made it_ public knowledge, anyway!" I chuckled to myself as I took a swig from the flask. Mm- _mmm!_ Eat your heart out, Coca-Cola, once you go Grand Blue, you never go back!

"Well, you see, Cross," Vivi said, hesitantly scratching the back of her head. "The reason I know about it and the reason I'm asking is that whatever that power is, _I apparently have it."_

" _PFFFFFT! GACK! HACK!"_ I promptly sprayed my drink everywhere and started wheezing desperately, on account of the liquid going down every which pipe save for the _right one._ " _S-SCRAMBLE! SCRAMBLE!"_ I yelped as I desperately slapped at Soundbite's shell.

" **Ow,** _ **OW!**_ **WATCH IT,** _ **no need to**_ _insist!_ YOU'RE IN THE CLEAR!"

"There is _very_ much need to—!"

 _THWACK!_

"OW!" I yelped as a metal fist bounced off of my skull.

"STOP WASTING MY DAMN COLA, JACKASS!"

" _FOCUS ON THE SCUMBUCKET, PERVERT!"_ I roared back before snapping my attention to the half-nervous, half-peeved, all wet princess. "Vivi, what in the blue, wet and _utterly insane hell_ _are you talking about!?"_

Vivi blinked before starting to talk. "I… Robin must have provoked Spandam somehow, because he was holding a gun to her head and he was going to blow her brains out. I was thinking about how I shouldn't be powerless to help my friends, powerless to do anything but watch them die… and something just…" Vivi snapped her fingers demonstratively. " _Snapped_ in my mind. I heard myself yell for everything to stop, and… it just happened. Su thought that it had something to do with ruler's instinct."

" _EH!?"_ I squawked incredulously as I strangled the air. "You've got to be—! Conqueror's Haki? You have _Conqueror's Haki?!"_

"Haki? You mentioned that with Satori and Aisa, yes?" Conis asked curiously.

"Mrghgrgr…" I grumbled as I kneaded the bridge of my nose. "Their ability was just _Observation_ Haki; there are three different forms of the ability, and unlike Observation and Armament, which every living being on the planet is born with and can learn to master, you cannot, I repeat, _cannot_ learn Conqueror's; only one in every one million people is capable of utilizing it, and considering that Luffy is one of them, I think it doesn't bear explaining that I did not expect it to manifest in anyone else on the crew!"

"It's… It's dat wawe?" Carue squawked incredulously.

"Considering the fact that the average user is capable of _scaring or taming Sea Kings_ just by looking them in the eye, and decimating an entire _army_ , just by _willing it?!"_ I bit out. "If it wasn't, the World Government wouldn't have survived a day."

"That's a yes, then," Vivi concluded dryly, before shaking her head with a weary groan. "Is there any particular reason why you didn't consider bringing that up while you were spilling your guts on training techniques?"

"Because I asked for instructions on them and I got squat in return!" I flung my arms up in exasperation. "Why do you think I was so pissed at Ace when he left, huh? The hothead stiffed me on Haki instructions, which I really hoped we could get because all _three_ kinds are common knowledge in the New World! And unless a miracle happens, we're not going to meet anyone else who knows and is willing to share the instructions before we hit the end of Paradise."

I shook my head with a weary sigh. "The story never showed the methods in detail, and the only way I've seen people unlock any of the abilities without training, as you experienced yourself, is through _massive_ trauma. Believe me, if I had my way, we'd _all_ be trying to learn it ASAP."

"Ugh…" Vivi rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. "Well, at least now I can _make_ people listen to me when I really need to, so that's something."

I was drawn up short by that particular statement. "Eh… run that by me again?"

Vivi blinked at me in surprise. "Uh… Yeah, I just focus my willpower on someone, and they obey any order I give them, even if they… don't… that's not what you're thinking of, is it?" she concluded lamely as she took in my poleaxed expression.

"Try 'people keel over foaming at the mouth'!" I moaned in exasperation. I shook my head as I tried to reason things out. "Still, the execution and the basis seem to be the _same_ as Conqueror's, so… maybe this is some kind of branch off of it?" I shook my head helplessly. "I've been gone for a while, who _knows_ what the hell Oda came up with? There's a reason fans call him Goda." I glanced upwards with a weary groan. "For now, however, we have the world knowing that you are apparently one of the chosen few who _always_ manage to achieve greatness, while you yourself are in possession of an absolutely alien ability that even I know nothing about. The day just keeps getting better, don't it?"

"Yes. Yes. It. _Does."_

I looked over my shoulder with a cocked eyebrow as Robin and Franky approached me with _far_ too satisfied expressions on their faces. I glanced at Soundbite as I slashed my hand across my throat before speaking up. "I take it that you two enjoyed yourselves?"

I made a point of _not_ looking at the twitching pile of meat that was only _just_ not classifiable as a corpse behind them.

"More than you can _possibly_ imagine, Cross," Robin sighed euphorically as she stretched her arms above her head. "I do believe I've just had more fun in the past ten minutes than I have in the past two decades."

"HaHA!" Franky cackled as he folded his arms behind his head. "Not quite so long for me, my family's been good for me over the years, but damn if that wasn't enjoyable! Man, meeting you guys has been one of the best things to happen to me in years!"

"Heheh, glad to hear it!" I nodded contentedly. "Well, now that that's all wrapped up, all that's left is to rendezvous with everyone else and—!"

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ **You planned** _ **that,"**_ Soundbite accused testily.

"I _hoped_ that it would work. Nothing wrong with that!" I smirked as I motioned for him to pick up.

He rolled his eyes before conceding. "KA-LICK! _Cross? Usopp here. Nami, Sanji, Zoro and I all won our—OW!_ _Hey, those Marines count, do you know how many headshots and snipers I just took down!? As I was saying, we all won our fights, and we've gotten as many of the the valuables as we can carry from here. We're on the Tower's rear dock now!"_

"Perfect!" I pumped my fist victoriously. "Alright, you guys hang tight, we'll get to commandeering the ship Spandam was going to use, because no way in hell can we pilot a battleship on our own, and come and pick you guys up! Then we wait for Luffy to finish mopping the floor with Lucci, pick up him and our guys back at the train station, and then we're clear! Honestly, barring any major situations, we just might manage to get out of this whole mess scott free!"

In retrospect, I would have been better off blasting my Impact Gauntlet in my own face than saying that stupid, stupid, _stupid_ sentence. Honestly, how in the world could I have been so utterly _braindead_ as to willfully say _that_ out loud? Because _that_ was most certainly the catalyst for Vivi tapping me on my shoulder.

"Cross?" she whimpered fearfully as she stared behind me. "I… _think_ that that counts as a major situation."

Naïve and optimistic as I was, I followed her gaze with the most innocent of confusion, and was rewarded for my troubles with the sight of hell itself.

"Ohhh, _shitbiscuits,"_ I whispered fearfully.

Because really…

What other reaction could a person have to the Gates of Hell themselves starting to open… and the light of an infernal dawn shining through?


	45. Chapter 42 - Enies Lobby Pt 4

**Chapter 42**

"So…I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this is bad?" Usopp gulped, his knees knocking furiously together.

"No shit," Zoro and Sanji chorused.

The four Straw Hats still in the Tower of Justice stared past the bridge and towards the massive steel horizon, the Gates of Justice. Said Gates were currently in the process of opening. Slowly, but with the inexorable slowness of a glacier. And it wasn't difficult to figure out why.

"We took too long. The Buster Call is here," Nami concluded grimly.

"Bit more than a Buster Call, kiddies," Kokoro noted as she yanked the cork of a bottle out with her teeth. "Check it out."

As if on cue, a cascade of golden light burst forth from the crack in the doors, causing the pirates to yelp and shield their eyes.

"What the heck?" Nami yelped.

" _Ohhhh SHIT!"_ Cross roared, his voice dripping with terror.

"What is that, Granny?" Chimney asked in awe.

"Engrave this moment into your minds, kids," Kokoro chuckled melancholically as she poured her drink into her mouth. "Fleet Admiral Sengoku has come down to greet you himself. This here's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Or, well…" She shrugged indifferently. "The last moment of our lives, more like it. Either or."

"We're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna diiiiie…" Usopp whimpered in a half-conscious rerun.

"For once, Usopp? I'm inclined to agree with you," Sanji muttered as he pinched his cigarette in place. "The Saint of Justice Sengoku himself… shit has just _escalated."_

"While this is definitely a problem, I think there's one other thing we need to address first," Zoro said grimly, before snapping a furious expression at Kokoro and her family. "WHERE THE HELL DID YOU THREE COME FROM?!"

Kokoro responded with a flat expression. "Is this _really_ the time?"

" _NOT EVEN REMOTELY!"_ Cross bellowed over their connection before anyone could say anything else. " _SOUNDBITE, HOW MANY SHIPS ARE WITH HIM?"_

" **Ah… I'LL BE HONEST…"** The baby snail started sweating bullets. "I DON'T HAVE A CLUE. _**The armada goes beyond MY RANGE AT**_ _ABOUT THIRTY SHIPS OR SO."_

" _FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!"_

" _Just to confirm,"_ Boss said with more hesitation than he'd ever shown in his entire time on the crew. " _We don't stand half a chance at fighting that many guys, do we?"_

" _Conshidawing how theyah all fwom Mawine HQ?"_ Carue deadpanned before bursting into laughter. " _HAHAHAHAHA_ NO. _Not even with Wuffy's schtupidwy high combat wevels."_

" **Especially** _**not with Luffy's help**_ **,"** Soundbite groaned miserably. " _UNLESS I MISS my guess?_ **GARP THE HERO has also** COME OUT TO PLAY."

Kokoro froze in place, her bottle cracking slightly in her grip. "…Okay, that's just _cheating."_

"… _Right, it's official,"_ Cross concluded in a strained tone of forced calm. " _Matters have just left pear-shaped and escalated to the eldritch topographies of a taco warping through a tesseract."_

 _That_ managed to snap Nami out of her stupor. "Cross!" she barked. "Snap out of it! You're our tactician, you're the one who handles our plans! Get your head back in the game and tell us what we need to do! _That's an order!"_

Cross jumped in shock before slowly nodding. " _T-The Gate! We need to get to the controls of the Gates of Justice and lock them shut! T-The gatehouse is on our side, if we can shut the Gates and destroy the controls, the armada'll be trapped in the Tub Current, and by the time they get around the Gates, we'll be long gone!"_

"That's perfect!" Nami smiled in relief. "Alright, where are the gate controls?"

" _Ah… Ah! I got it! They're somewhere in the—"_

 _ **BOOM!**_

"The hell—!?" Zoro cursed, looking around in confusion as an explosion rang through the air. "Cannon fire? But the Gates aren't open enough yet!"

"OOOOH NOOOO!" Usopp shrieked fearfully as he pointed out over the water. "LOOK! THE BRIDGE!"

The rest of the invaders followed the sniper's gaze to where, indeed, a good section of the Bridge of Hesitation was crumbling, and where a gun emplacement on one of the battleships flanking said bridge had smoke streaming out of its barrels.

"Looks like the Marines' gun crews decided to stay behind on their ships…" Kokoro nervously observed.

"… _Third Pillar,"_ Cross finished weakly. " _The controls are on the Third Pillar… and we're now trapped on the Second and First. We… can't close the Gates… can't stop him from coming through…"_

"… _we just_ lost," Su summarized quietly.

The cloud fox's defeated voice managed to snap something in Nami's mind, drawing a determined scowl onto her face. "Oh, the _hell_ we did," she hissed as she started fiddling with the straps over her chest. "Soundbite, where are the controls?"

" _ **The hell are you—?"**_

" _Now!"_ the Navigator snapped.

" **GAH! W-WEST SIDE,** _ **TOP FLOOR!"**_

"Got it," Nami nodded. She then unslung her Waver, from her back, unfolded it and mounted the seat, revving its Dial Engine in preparation as she scrutinized the agitated waters. "I'll get over there and flip that switch in a minute flat!"

" _EH!?"_ the rest of the Straw Hats exclaimed in shock.

"Nagagaga, you _do_ realize that this is a suicide mission, right?!" Kokoro scoffed incredulously. "Those whirlpools are ship-killers under normal circumstances, but the fact that the Gates are opening is only disrupting things further!"

Sanji glanced fearfully between the bridge and the Navigator before shaking his head in denial. "N-Nami-swan, you can't go out there!"

The second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates narrowed her eyes. " _Watch me."_

And before the cook could stop her, she yanked on her Waver's accelerator and blasted off into the froth of Enies Lobby's rear entrance.

Within a second, the sheer difficulty of the task became clear: For all her bravado, the massive whirlpools and the subsequent ripples and waves had her fighting not to keel over from the moment she hit the waters. Nami grit her teeth as she fought to keep her balance. "Ugh… rough waters, typical of Grand Line storms," she muttered to herself. "Conflicting currents, rip tides galore… this would sink any experienced navigator in the best of ships within seconds…"

As if on cue, the sea suddenly surged up and disgorged a wave three times Nami's height.

Nami didn't miss a beat as she ripped up the inside of the surge and burst over the top, sticking the landing without a flinch. She felt her blood start to race, a grin of primal joy crossing her face. "Good thing I'm more than just experienced. I'm the _best_ , damn it!"

And so it was that she continued rocketing towards the third pillar, unfazed by the currents and waves and far too fast for anyone on or beside the bridge to take a shot at her. At least, not if they wanted to hit anything besides ocean. As she approached the structure, the currents started to even out, allowing her to loose one hand from the Waver's handles and grasp at her Clima-Tact.

What happened next occurred in the space of _seconds._ A few feet from the pillar proper, Nami swung her staff out and let fly a mass of Eisen Clouds that formed themselves into a ramp leading up the stonework. Then, the second the ramp was complete, she gritted her teeth in concentration and pushed the Dial engine to its maximum throttle.

For the second time in her life, the resulting speed and force born from the Jet Dial's full power managed to overpower gravity and propel Nami up the sheer wall of the pillar. Granted, the Jet Dial only had enough force and power to keep Nami glued to the wall for a few seconds before it died down, but those seconds were all the time she needed to reach an opening.

Once she was just below the window, Nami snapped the segments of her Clima-Tact around so that they were doubled up and then tossed them ahead of her. The blast of the Cyclone Tempo launched her out from the wall, but before she could go too far, she caught the batons as they boomeranged back and snapped out the section with the Eisen Dial, an arm of iron clouds shooting out at the pillar.

One swift jerk of her fingers was all it took to reel the arm in and ram Nami through the window Waver-first, granting her access to the gatehouse in a shower of broken glass that drew the attention of the small group of Marines—eight, to be exact—stationed within.

The second the Waver's wheel touched down on the floor, Nami accelerated again and ran down half of them in a semi-controlled charge before swerving to bleed her momentum off and bring herself to a halt.

Then, without missing a beat, she leapt off her mount and pounced on the nearest Marine, lashing out with her fully extended Clima-Tact. A strike to the gut got one doubled over enough for her to ram her knee into his forehead. From there, a spin of her staff forcefully disarmed the two who'd managed to draw their guns, and a firm smack against each of their temples disoriented them enough for her to flip them off their feet.

The last of them, on the other hand, had enough sense to go for his blade and managed to draw it before Nami could stop him. He tried to cleave her head in two with an overhead swing, but Nami caught the attack with her staff and diverted it appropriately before spinning around him so that she was squarely in his blind side. The soldier tried to spin around to keep track of her, but that just gave Nami the angle she needed to ram her elbow into his jaw and knock his brain for a loop. She followed up with a fist to his nose, which laid him out flat.

The navigator took a moment to get her breath back before lashing her heel out with a grunt of exertion and kicking the _blatantly_ obvious lever in the room into the opposite of its current position.

Nami took a moment to let a sense of victory wash over her as the mechanisms in the room spun and a bone-rattling CLUNK shook the air around her.

Then she had to take a _minute_ to keep from pissing herself when the world and her very existence were rattled by an impossibly loud bellow of " _ **DAMN IT!"**_

Nami remained frozen for a while longer in the tense silence before shivering. " _So_ happy that we have a literal mountain of metal between him and us," she muttered to herself. She spared just enough time to frisk the unconscious Marines before blasting out a few bolts of lightning at several important-looking parts of the gate mechanism, before turning towards the direction she _knew_ was south, positioning her staff again—

"Cyclone Tempo!"

And blasting the poor, doomed wall into pieces. Nodding contentedly as sunlight streamed through the hole, she formed another ramp, this one better defined than the last, before re-mounting her Waver, taking careful aim and gunning the engines. With a renewed roar and a burst of hyper-pressured air, the cloud-scooter shot up the ramp and launched her through the air.

Fifteen seconds later, she stuck the landing on the larger remaining portion of the Bridge and skidded to a halt before her stunned crewmates.

Nami propped her fist on her hip as she adopted a smirk. "So," she purred. "How'd I do?"

The memory of Cross and Soundbite's jaws all but cracking the Bridge as they unhinged would be one that would stay with Nami for the rest of her life.

 **-o-**

"I… bu-but… y-y-you… a-and the… with… my… you…"

Obviously, it was taking a not-insignificant amount of effort to restart my brain after _that._ Curb-stomping Kalifa as I knew that she had—not so much as a scratch!—was one thing, but _that?_

"Abuh… that… and then… COULD SOMEBODY HIT ME PLEASE!?" I finally yelled out.

 _THWACK!_

"Thank you!" I nodded gratefully to Vivi as I rubbed the spot she'd clocked before refocusing on Nami. "And _you!_ What the shit was that!?"

Nami chuckled and shrugged casually, looking infinitely calmer than I had ever seen her. "Kalifa tried using her powers directly on my brain to wash my mind away, but instead she washed away a lifetime's worth of stress. And I guess it just made me a lot less hesitant about doing things, y'know?"

I goggled at her for a moment more, then blinked. "Uh… does that mean you don't feel like hitting me?"

Nami scrutinized me for a moment, and then shrugged as she looked back at our opponents. "Eh, for now, anyway. But at the moment!" She grinned eagerly as she popped a thumbs-up. "Now that the Gates are closed and the Marines can't get to us, how do we—?" She trailed off as she noticed our hesitant expressions. "…what?"

" **Yeeeaaah, see…** _ **that's the thing,"**_ Soundbite hedged uncomfortably as he gestured with his eyestalk.

Nami slowly turned her head, and promptly winced at what she saw. "…so, some got through, huh?" she said as she observed the titanic silhouettes that were steadily approaching us.

"The vanguard, to be specific," Boss chuffed as he exhaled a menacing cloud. "That Sengoku fella must _really_ want our heads, because those ships slipped through as soon as there was enough space, and another got its prow crunched trying to go through when you closed it."

"Just how many _are_ there?" Franky muttered as he thumbed his sunglasses onto his brow.

" _Ten in all, carrying ten thousand, four-hundred and twenty soldiers in total,"_ Soundbite provided grimly. " _In command are Vice Admirals Strawberry, Yamakaji, Doberman, Onigumo—"_

"And Momonga," I muttered out under my breath. "The usual suspects… tch…" I then raised my voice as I addressed everyone present. "I suggest that you all get ready, it looks like we're going to be facing the Buster Call after all."

A shiver of fear ran through everyone as they exchanged nervous glances.

I then deepened my scowl as another thought came to me, and I looked up and _past_ the approaching assault force. "Of course," I growled grimly. "That's only until the rest of the Marines on the other side of the Gates manage to force them open."

 _That_ got everyone to stare at me in shock.

"W-What!?" Nami stammered. "Cross, are you insane?! Those Gates are at least a dozen times bigger than the rest of Enies Lobby put together! Even with Sengoku with them—!"

 _SKRANG!_

We all jumped as a sound akin to an off-kilter gong vibrated throughout the air. We all looked around in confusion for the source of the noise before freezing as one as we noticed it.

Specifically, as we noticed the presence of a fist-imprint the size of a _mountain_ in the, to reiterate, _flag-emblazoned metal horizon._

"…Right, what was I thinking? This is the Fleet Admiral of the Marines we're talking about," Nami chuckled hysterically.

"I… don't actually believe that that was Sengoku, Nami…" Robin whispered hoarsely.

Silence reigned for several seconds before Nami managed to force something out. "…eh?"

"Unless I miss my guess… that is the handiwork of Garp the Hero, also known as Garp the Fist."

"Ah… so, then—?"

 _ **SKRAAAAANG!**_

This time, not only did we actually _reel_ from the vibration striking us with a slap of air, but we didn't even need to try looking for the source.

After all, we'd have to be blind to miss the island-sized palm imprint slightly buckling one of the Gates inwards.

"…now, _that_ looks like something Sengoku would do," Robin concluded lamely.

I silently observed the imprints for a second before cracking my neck to the side. "Well!" I snorted. "At least they're going out of their way to keep things _interesting."_

My crewmates simultaneously snapped incredulous looks at me, before each heaving weary sighs of defeat.

"Ugh. Ooof course, we should have known that it couldn't just be as 'easy' as beating all these reinforcements, _or_ the expected ten battleships," Vivi bit out as she worked her way to her feet, her words contrasting the wry smile she was sporting. "So, great tactician… what's the strategy here?"

I took a few moments to run the situation through my head before nodding. "Well, first—!"

 _KABOOM!_

I jumped when a massive explosion rang out, and a glance to the side revealed a plume of smoke to be rising from the waterfront, right… where the _seastone fence was SHIT!_

"They're already starting their bombing run, damn it!" I cursed before snapping a look at Soundbite. "Connect me to the guys still at the Tower, now!"

"— _DANCING ACROSS THE STARRY SKY COULD NOT BE AS MAGNIFICENT AND ELEGANT AS NAMI—!"_

"Less singing her praises, more _watching your heads!"_ I barked urgently.

Sanji blinked in confusion. " _Wha—?"_

 _ **BOOM!**_

…I know. I know that I've said it a dozen times before, but you really can't understand just how much it bears repeating: the manga and anime could not and did not measure up to reality. Only this time… I didn't feel awe. Or at least, I didn't feel a _positive_ kind of awe. Because really, the sight of half of a thirty-story-tall skyscraper crumpling like a soda can before falling into the abyss… what else could that kind of an image evoke apart from a stab of awe-inducing despair?

Once the remains of the building fell out of sight, all that remained was an all-devouring silence.

"T-The Tower of Justice…" Conis whispered numbly. "It's… It's _gone…"_

"What the _hell_ is this?" Lassoo breathed, his lazy demeanor replaced with sheer incredulity.

" _Endgame_ ," I bit out before addressing Soundbite. "You guys alright?"

" _I see a field, a beautiful field filled with golden flowers… Oh, and there's my mother, waving for me to come join her…"_

" _Usopp's dead on his feet, but other than that, we're fine,"_ Zoro replied. " _We're lucky they didn't aim lower."_

"Oooh, trust me, they will," I growled venomously as I eyed the ever-advancing fleet of doom. "Look, we're out of time and options, you guys need to get your asses into the tunnel and make your way to the bridge, ASAP!"

" _But wait, what about Lucci?!"_ Sanji demanded. " _Luffy's still fighting him, right? How are we—?"_

"It'll handle itself!" I interrupted. "Look, you guys trust me, right?"

" _Duh."_

" _No shit, shit-brain."_

" _Hello mother, how have you—OW!_ _Ah, sorry, what did he—? WHAT!? NOT ON YOUR LI—OW! Ergh, I mean yes, fine, I trust you too! Only once in a blue moon, but still."_

"Then trust me now," I said patiently. "Just go down the passage and you'll get here safe and sound. Got it?"

"… _I'll lead the way. Stay on my ass, mosshead."_

" _Cram it and walk, curly."_

" _I still don't like—! OW! STOP SLAPPING ME, DAMN IT!"_

" _Nagagaga! This crew just keeps getting more and more interesting!"_

" _They're really scary, but really fun!"_

" _Really, really fun!"_

"Oi, hagfish!" I hastily added. "I'm trusting my friends with you, got that? Get them back here safe and sound, you hear?"

 _That_ brought Kokoro up short. She blinked in stunned confusion for a second before cackling louder than ever. " _NAGAGAGAGAGAAAAA! You're a truly terrifying individual, Jeremiah Cross! I'm glad I'm on your side! Don't worry, you'll see them alive… though no promises on quality of life, if you know what I mean."_

"Meh," I waved my hand casually. "What the hell do I care if they have a little bit of trauma banging around in their skulls? Give 'em hell, lady!"

" _Can do!"_

" _Wait, 'hell!?'_ _What the hell are you planning, Cro—!?"_

" **Talk later!** _ **RUN NOW!**_ **BYE-BYE!"** Soundbite crowed before cutting the connection.

"Alright, alright…" I scratched the back of my neck as I wracked my brains. I _could_ lower the interdiction field, tell the people at the courthouse to—no, easy money that they were high-tailing it already, they didn't need my help. And if I tried piping in with Luffy, I'd be more of distraction than anything, so that only left…

"Alright, everyone, listen up!" I barked as I clapped my hands together and wrung them nervously. "As of this moment, we are entering into a war of attrition. These bastards are going to come down on our heads with everything that they have in an effort to break us, but no matter what, we _have_ to hold out. Kick, scratch, bite, what the hell ever, I don't give a damn. Right now, our only priority is to survive until Luffy beats Rob Lucci—and he _will_ beat Rob Lucci." I shot the last bit at down at the transceiver with extra emphasis before continuing. "Once Luffy wins, we'll be free and clear to get the hell out of dodge and leave this hellhole in the dust!"

"And how the hell are we going to be doing _that_ , Cross?" Franky demanded incredulously. "They've cut us off from the only other ship here, and you already pointed out we can't commandeer a battleship! I don't want to sound like I've given up, but right now, I'd say we're _SUPER!_ screwed!"

Honestly… I knew how Franky felt. How could I not? Battleships bearing down on us, certain death _literally_ knocking at our doorstep. Honestly, it was an impossible situation.

But in spite of all that impossibility… I smiled. A genuine smile, not the least bit strained or mischievous, and that in and of itself seemed to unnerve everyone more than one of my typical smiles would.

And as for why I smiled, well… quite simply, I smiled because I had an image in my head. An immutable image that I had memorized and taken to heart, that I'd been expecting and dreading in equal measure since I'd arrived in this world. I had an image of hope, and so long as I had that image, _I would not admit defeat._

I would not do her the disservice of failing her by falling before she arrived.

"We are getting out of here," I stated proudly.

"Cross—!" Nami started.

" _We are getting out of here,"_ I re-emphasized, pumping as much power and conviction into the words as I could. "I realize that things look bad, that matters have escalated to the point of no return, I do, but I promise you." I made a point of looking everyone in the eye as I spoke. "Each and every one of you, from the bottom of my heart, I swear to you, _we will leave this place._ We just need to stand strong, stand firm and _stay alive._ Once Luffy wins, once the time arrives…" I held up my fist and clenched it firmly. "We are going to leave this place _and never come back._ And when we do, everyone on the planet will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we, the Straw Hat Pirates, fought the Marines, fought the _World itself,_ and _won._ So," I spread my arms invitingly. "I ask you: Who's with me?"

There was a moment of silence as everyone glanced at one another, but I eventually received a reply in the form of a scattered blanket of affirmatives.

Well, that wouldn't do at all, would it?

"I don't think you all heard me. I SAID, _WHO THE_ _HELL'S WITH ME!?"_ I roared as I pumped my fist in the air.

"YEAH!" most everyone else roared vigorously as they mirrored my motion.

"Good." My smile wavered slightly as I looked around. "Because it's crunch time."

And indeed it was. While three of the battleships were splitting away and undoubtedly headed for the train station and four were moving to encircle the island proper, the remaining three battleships were slowly but steadily approaching the Bridge of Hesitation and moving to encircle us.

While everyone prepared themselves for battle, I took a moment to glance at what was once Enies Lobby, and I shivered. If the Gates of Justice engulfed one horizon in metal and justice, then the Buster Call was slowly but steadily consuming the other in fire and devastation. It was, to paraphrase Rowling… incredible. Horrific, terrifying and downright sickening, true enough, but there was no other word for the sheer scale than truly incredible.

Hell, the constant bombardment almost managed to cover up the impacts of Garp and Sengoku's systematic blows on the gates, the rolling rumble of cannon fire shaking me to my—

Wait… shaking!

 _Oh, fuck._

I hastily ran over to Robin, dropping down to my knees so that I was on her level and grabbing her wrists, dragging her arms away from her temples and forcing her to lock her eyes with mine.

"Robin, _Robin!"_ I barked shaking her slightly in an effort to focus her gaze. "Look at me, _look at me,_ Robin! Don't look at that, don't listen to it, ignore it. Look at me, alright? Look at _us._ This isn't that place, Robin. _This isn't that place._ This will not be like then. You're not alone, remember? You're with your friends now, and they are not hurting us; every shot they take is only hurting themselves. We're here, Robin. We're all here, every last one of us, _and we are not going anywhere, do you hear me?"_

For a single terrifying second, I didn't think I'd managed to pull it off. For a second, all I saw was a little girl shivering in terror and with fire reflected in her eyes. But then she was gone and Robin was back. She was back, and she was smiling and… well, I just couldn't help myself.

"There it is."

That drew Robin up short, prompting her to blink in confusion. "Huh?"

I hesitated for a moment before shrugging casually and donning a slight grin. "A smile worth fighting for."

Robin stared at me with wide eyes before hiccupping up a laugh and lightly knocking her forehead against mine. "Never change, Cross," she whispered. "Never, never change."

I breathed a sigh of relief as I leaned my forehead back. "Not on your life."

We held the position for a bit until I felt the rumblings get closer, at which point I patted her shoulder and drew back. "Now, come on…" I drew Lassoo and held him at ready as I stood up and held my hand out to her. "Let's go and give 'em hell."

Robin nodded proudly as she took my hand and pulled herself to her feet. "Let's."

Sadly, while I talked a big game and while I did feel relatively confident, the fact is that anyone would have felt some doubt looming over them in response to the mass of Marines lining up on the titanic battleships' railings, all ready and raring to charge us.

As we waited, I noticed a certain absence and sent a curious glance Soundbite's way. "Hey… you've been quiet for a while now. Any reason for that?"

Soundbite glanced nervously back at me before darting his eyes away. " _Just… looking for something_ APPROPRIATE TO SAY, _YOU KNOW?"_

"Ah, right…" I nodded slowly. "Fair enough. You manage to come up with anything?"

Soundbite's eyes swept the oncoming military titans with a heavy gulp. " **How about…** _**today is a good day to die?"**_

I felt a pit open in my gut at the sound of _him_ of all people saying that, but for the life of me I couldn't bring myself to refute it. "Yeah… I guess that that fits…"

"Ah, I'm sorry, Cross?" I blinked in confusion as Conis spoke up and got my attention. "I realize that you're having a conversation, but do you mind if I may say something in response to that?"

"Uh…" I shared a confused glance with Soundbite before shrugging helplessly. "Yeah, I guess? What is it?"

Conis nodded gratefully, before adopting a grim glare and leveling her bazooka at the enemy. " _Fuck_ that," she spat venomously. "It's a good day for _someone else_ to die."

I swear to God that the world itself fell silent at that little display.

And in that silence, I took the time to think.

"…"

"Do you think he's gonna?" Su asked curiously.

I thought about how far we'd come, not just from Water 7 to here but from the _East Blue_ all the way to here, to this very place.

"…pf."

"Yup, he's gonna!" Boss confirmed with a guffaw.

"Honestly, did you expect anything else from him?" Vivi said, shaking her head with a wistful grin.

I thought about what we'd managed to accomplish, I thought about the consequences that resulted from those accomplishments.

" _Pffff…"_

"Good gwief…" Carue groaned as he slammed a wing to his face.

"Never thought I'd get to experience this firsthand!" Franky laughed as he put his fists up. "Today really is a _super_ day!"

And I thought about the fact that we were about to meet that force head on, with only the strength of our bodies and our backs to support us under the weight of the onslaught.

" _PFFFFFFF…!"_

"And in five, four, three, two," Nami counted down fondly as she spun her staff and clouds at her side.

In light of these thoughts, in light of this power and danger, in light of absolutely everything that had occurred over the course of the past twenty-four hours and six months alike…

What other option did I have…

" _PFFFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!"_

But to throw my head back and _roar_ with gut-rattling laughter.

"PFFHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHA!" I cackled hysterically. "YEAH, CONIS HAS THE RIGHT IDEA! FUCK THAT NOISE! FUCK DYING, FUCK THE BUSTER CALL, FUCK THE MARINES! BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY!?"

I swung Lassoo up and _delighted_ in the terror that suddenly appeared in the eyes of the Marines who I was aiming at.

" _Fuck it all,"_ I whispered rapturously.

And with that, I pulled the trigger, and the world went straight to hell.

 **-o-**

"Come on, guys!" 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo roared at he pumped his fist. "I realize that this is scary as all shit, but think about it! At best, this is going to make us even _more_ infamous! And at worst… well, I say that if we're going down, we do our damnedest to sure that this bitch never forgets us in the process! No matter what happens, _let's make our names live on!_ A'RIGHT!?"

"AYE!" bellowed the Barto Club. All were assembled ready to fight, with only Valentine absent due to her… 'current condition'. All stood ready as the massive twin serpents and the ship they tugged drew near, and all tensed as it stopped beside the Cannibal.

"Alright, everyone…" Bartolomeo shot his fist forward with a roar. "CHA—!"

"Love-Love Beam."

A wave of presence swept over the deck of the Cannibal, and as a result the vast majority of the Barto Club Pirates literally froze as they were transmogrified into stone.

"—AR—eh?" Bartolomeo paused in place, blinking in confusion as he tried to process what had just happened. And as he succeeded in doing so, his jaw promptly dropped to the deck. "Oh, _fuck me."_

"Well, this isn't good…" Miss Goldenweek muttered as she poked at Mr. 5's mineral forehead.

"I'm too young to die!" Apis yelped as she flung her arms around her dragon's neck, a motion that Lindy mimicked fearfully.

"Well, well, _well."_

The pirates all froze as a cool voice that absolutely _demanded_ their attention spoke up, and slowly they turned their attention to the enemy ship.

The Pirate Empress Boa Hancock tossed her hair in a haughty manner as she strode onto the deck of the Cannibal, flanked on both sides by a pair of _titanic_ snake-Zoans in their hybrid forms. "I will admit, Captain Bartolomeo," she drawled imperiously. "At first, I was… _annoyed_ when the World Government laid the ultimatum before me that I would have to put an effort into attempting to eliminate you and your crew, but now I actually find myself to be quite thankful for this turn of events. After all…" She swept a droll look over the surviving crewmates. "It's not every day that someone manages to evade the effects of my Love-Love Fruit."

The Warlord proceeded to cast her head back, _waaay_ back as she looked 'down' upon the pirates. "Tell me the secrets of how you resisted my unparalleled beauty, and I shall make your deaths… _painless."_

"Otherwise…" Boa Marigold hissed as she slithered across the deck and flanked the pirates. "We'll be the ones to kill you instead."

"Trust us," Boa Sandersonia snickered sadistically as she mirrored her serpentine sister, picking up a stray barrel with her tail as she went. "It will be slow…" She then squeezed her tail and gradually squeezed the barrel to matchsticks. "And it will be nothing short of _agony."_

After a minute of hesitant silence, Miss Goldenweek shrugged slightly. "I hypnotize people via a specific painting design I discovered combined with different colors. People are forced to feel whatever emotions the colors signify once it's attached. One of my techniques is known as Colors Trap: Tranquil Green." She jabbed her thumb over her shoulder. "And I had it tattooed into my back some time, to help me with my focus. Green is a secondary color, and is only surpassed by Terror White, which can surpass all other colors, and the primary colors of Rage Red, Sadness Blue, and Laughter Yellow, and even then, only when they're overwhelming. Lovesick Pink is a tertiary color. With Tranquil Green permanently affecting my emotions, I'm largely immune to such feelings."

"… Wait, you mean to say that you fuckin' _hypnotically_ _castrated_ yourself?" Bartolomeo demanded incredulously.

"What can I say?" Goldenweek shrugged indifferently as she drew a rice cracker from her bag and started into it. "Emotions are a hindrance, and I am nothing if not a professional."

"…right…" Hancock finally stated uncomfortably before shifting her attention to Apis. "And you, child? And your pet as well, seeing as my powers work even upon the non-human."

The Whisper-Girl flinched slightly at the attention before scratching her cheek uncomfortably. "Ah… w-well… honestly, the only thing I can think of is that I'm _ten._ I, ah…" She shrugged helplessly. "I don't really _think_ about stuff like that yet, you know? And you're too scary for the more, uh…"

"Platonic forms of love?" Miss Goldenweek helpfully supplied.

"Yes? I think?" Apis nodded hesitantly before continuing. "And as for Lindy, well…" She looked up at the dragon in askance, blinking in confusion. "Ah… I don't really get it, but according to him, 'there is no human alive who could possibly comprehend my sexual preference', whatever that means."

Hancock blinked in surprise and eyed the dragon curiously before shivering as it adopted an indecipherable leer. "Understandable…" she muttered nervously. She then regained her posture as she shifted her glare onto Bartolomeo. "And what of you, 'Black Bart'? What is _your_ excuse?"

The fresh attention towards him served to snap Bartolomeo out of the awkward surprise that his unaffected crewmates had provoked. He took in the sight of his crew, _his_ crew, reduced to the statue section of a garden store, and slowly bowed his head, his fists clenched at his sides. "Your powers… they depend on someone being attracted to you, huh?" the shark-toothed man muttered grimly. "Then… I guess that it's too bad for you; there's only one person in the world that I'll ever admire or view with awe, and it ain't you."

Hancock cocked an eyebrow in vague disinterest. "Oh? Is that so?"

"Yeah… yeah, it is…" Bartolomeo slowly let a lunatic's grin split his face. "Y'know… it sucks balls that I'm gonna die here, it really fuckin' does, but the truth is? I really can't find it in me to give a rat's ass. Why, you ask?" The light around Bartolomeo's arms warped and shifted, snapping into a pair of barriers as he snapped a vicious leer at Hancock. "I wound up in this situation for that person's sake, and if it were all in their name, then I would _gladly_ do it all the fuck over again!"

Before anyone could react, Bartolomeo loosed a howl ripped straight from the very bottom of his soul and charged at Hancock.

"FOR THE NEXT KING OF THE PIRATES!" Bartolomeo roared as he took a flying leap at her, arm cocked back for the mother of all haymakers. " _FOR STRAW HAT LUFFY!_ BARRIER-BAR—!"

In a blur of motion, Hancock's hand snapped out and grabbed Bartolomeo out of the air by his throat as though he were a passing pigeon.

"—GWAGH!" Bartolomeo gagged as he scrabbled at the iron-hard fingers that were throttling him. "Y-You damn bi—!"

" **Be quiet."**

Any motion on the deck of the ship snapped to an immediate halt as everyone, save for the snake Zoans, stared at Hancock in terror.

And for good reason, too: The Pirate Empress's expression had morphed itself into a mask of authority that was practically gorgonian in nature, her terrible beauty untarnished, but a semblance of some great predator permeating her countenance.

Bartolomeo got it worst of all. For a single second, he swore that he might as well have been a tiny, insignificant rat, clutched in the coils of a world-encompassing serpent, whose fangs were about to devour him whole.

" **Explain what you meant,"** she intoned frigidly. " **When you said that you did this for Luffy."**

Bartolomeo swallowed heavily around the vice grip on his throat, and just as he opened his mouth to answer her—

"Ahhhh, now _that_ was a good nap!"

All attention on the deck shifted again, this time to where a door in the Cannibal had opened and a thoroughly refreshed-looking Miss Valentine had stepped out onto the deck. "Sorry about earlier, everyone, I just got a bit overwhelmed, is all!" She grinned happily. "Turns out, all I needed to get my head back together was some time to cool down! I'm much… bet… ah…"

The ex-assassin trailed off as her eyes swept over the deck. Her petrified crewmates, the enemy ship with the easily recognizable flag next to the vessel, the Warlord of the Seas holding her captain at her mercy…

She was _about_ to say something…

"Hi, there!"

When the grinning face of one of the massive serpent-Zoans onboard suddenly filled her vision.

"My name's Boa Sandersonia!" the Amazon stated pleasantly. "It looks like there's a good chance our crews are gonna become friends! Do you think you could point me to your storeroom? We left Amazon Lily in a hurry to hunt you guys down, so I'm parched!"

Valentine blinked slowly as she processed the words before an utterly broken smile plastered itself upon her face and she fell backwards, her body blissfully fluttering to the ground.

Sandersonia blinked in surprise before shooting a sheepish smile at the rest of the people present. "IIII think I might have broken her. Sorry?"

"Meh, it's not your fault," Goldenweek droned as she bit into a rice cracker. "She's had a rough few hours."

"I can only imagine…" Marigold muttered dryly as she watched her sister poke at the ex-assassin.

 **-o-**

"Oooh my. They're gettin' quite worked up down there, aren't they?"

These words, while drawled in a carefree manner and utterly innocuous in nature, were spoken by a rather unique individual.

Said individual was about fifteen feet in height, lanky in such a manner that he appeared both non-threatening and menacing, and was clad in a bright yellow striped suit.

Said individual was also standing on a relatively out-of-the-way part of the deck of a battleship that was over a mile out from Enies Lobby's Bridge of Hesitation, observing the ongoing conflict with only the most wishy-washy kind of interest.

Said individual's name and title were Admiral Borsalino, codename Yellow Monkey, 'Kizaru'.

"Hooo…" the Admiral whistled appreciatively as a particularly sizeable explosion blossomed on the deck, downing about two or three dozen Marines at once. "They're really givin' it their all, huh? And they're only Paradise pirates? Geeeze, this new generation is proving itself to be filled with nothing but the scariest of Monsters, ain't it?"

"'Monsters'? Pch, what, ya ain't heard yet, Monkey-boy?"

Kizaru glanced over his shoulder and observed as another Marine, this one a Vice Admiral with a massive grin and a lit cigar, strode up to stand by him. "Hey, Yama."

"There's more than just 'Monsters' down there, Monkey," Vice Admiral Yamakaji continued as he watched the fight. "Apparently, that there crew's got its own fair share of 'Demons', too."

"Hooo…" Kizaru shook his head slowly. "Monsters and Demons… what scary, scary people."

"Yeah, some of the scariest." Yamakaji's grin widened slightly as he glanced up at the Admiral. "But you're scarier than all of them, aintcha? Stronger too. You could end it all right now, couldn'tcha?"

"Hmm…" Kizaru hummed noncommittally for a moment as he scratched his five-o-clock shadow before nodding. "Yeah, that's true." He held up his palm towards the battlefield, the very center of his hand starting to glow. "I could wipe 'em all away in the blink of an eye, the Bridge too…" He then shifted his fingers so that he was pointing a finger-pistol, the digit unerringly following Jeremiah Cross's head across the distance as a bulb of light built up on the very tip. "Or I could just kill them all one by one, before they even knew what hit them…"

He then proceeded to lift his arm higher… and then used it to scratch behind his head with a sigh. "Buuut I dunno. That all seems like a lot of useless hassle. Why not just hang back and let the boys in white have their fun instead?"

Yamakaji shrugged indifferently as he chewed on his cigar. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Though really, if I was in yer shoes? I'd take the paperwork inta account."

Kizaru blinked curiously as he glanced down at the Vice Admiral. "Paperwork? What of it?"

Yamakaji waved his hand through the air. "Eh, it's just that I've always found after-action reports to take a lot less time than explanations for lack of activity, 's all. 'Spose it don't matter to you what with you havin' light speed an' all, but still, one has Sengoku pissed at you, the other don't, ya know what I mean?"

The Admiral hummed thoughtfully, scratching his stubble as he considered the options. After a few seconds of thought, he sighed and his entire body started to glow. "I guess I might as well go down there and kill 'em quickly then."

A slightly predatory sheen crept into Yamakaji's grin. "Sounds good ta me."

 **-o-**

"Hey, Soundbite? Remind me why you're not acting like the 'god of noise' you apparently are and _blowing out all of these bastards' eardrums!?"_ Nami demanded as she slammed a wave of Iron Cloud into a group of Marines.

" **You actually think** _ **that these shitstains ARE THE CREAM OF THE CROP?**_ _Fat chance_ OF THAT!" Soundbite scoffed from a few meters away. " _THESE ARE THEIR CHUM._ **THE SECOND-STRINGERS, MEANWHILE,** _are waiting in the wings_ **for the order to knock** OUR BLOCKS OFF. _**I'll blow my best**_ _ONCE THEY BLOW THEIRS!"_

Nami frowned, but conceded the point with a nod. Refocusing her attention on the fight at hand, she turned to lash out another wave of cloud and lightning before freezing in place.

The reason for the pirate's sudden paralysis was due to the fact that, by virtue of necessity, Nami had become extremely competent in the practice of spotting even the smallest glint in her surroundings in her eight years of treasure hunting for Arlong. She had come to develop this unique skill for two separate reasons, one obvious and commonplace and one more… exclusive, for lack of a better word.

The obvious reason, of course, was that gold glinted and she couldn't spare half a beri. The exclusive reason, however, was that after the first time she'd gotten a bullet in her leg from someone she couldn't even see, she made damn sure there wouldn't be a second.

So when Nami managed to catch sight of a glint flashing on a far-off battleship, she didn't even hesitate to snap out as large a mirage as she could manage, hiding the entire side of the bridge facing the ship. "SNIPER, GET DOWN!" she screamed at the top of her lungs before throwing herself to the ground.

After taking a moment to catch her breath, Nami glanced up and towards the battleship with a scowl. "Now we just have to hope that that damn bastard doesn't try again."

 **-o-**

Vice Admiral Yamakaji blinked in bemusement as he confirmed that _yes,_ an instant after Admiral Kizaru had shifted into pure light in order to transition to the Bridge, a second flash of light had shot _out_ from the Bridge and off to parts unknown.

Acting on a hunch, the Vice-Admiral drew a spyglass through his coat and peered through it, looking for… yes, that shimmer right there was _definitely_ the light-refracting natural phenomenon known as a mirage.

Which only meant one thing.

"Well, _shit,_ " Yamakaji sighed wearily as he returned his spyglass to his coat. With great care, he extracted a Baby Transponder Snail and punched in a number. "Wonder where the hell he wound up this time… Fleet Admiral Sengoku? Now, I know that yer rather upset right now—"

" **Get to the point, Vice Admiral Yamakaji. In case you haven't noticed?"**

 _ **SKRRRAAANG!**_

The Vice Admiral shivered in terror as the next palm imprint appeared in the Gates, even deeper than the previous hits.

" **Nothing can make me angrier than I am now."**

"Um, well then… I'm afraid that Admiral Kizaru forgot to look before he leapt in his… _eagerness_ to join the fightin'. As such, his attempt to utilize his Sacred Yata Mirror to reach the Bridge of Hesitation just went awry thanks to a, er…" The Vice-Admiral coughed into his fist. " _Unfortunate_ turn of events. In short, we, ah… have no idea where he is, but going by his angle I'd say… Admiral Kizaru is no longer anywhere near Enies Lobby."

The barest moment of silence followed, and Yamakaji made the prudent decision to hang up his snail.

The silence stretched on for another couple of seconds. "Well, looks like he actually took that well after all," the Vice Admiral mused to himself.

 _ **SKRONG!**_

The Marine then jumped in shock when another impact sound rang out. Only this time, it was rounder than the others, and higher—?

Yamakaji swallowed heavily, his smile gone and cold sweat trailing down his forehead as he gnawed on his cigar. "I _really_ hope that you're enjoying yourself wherever the hell you are, Kizaru," he muttered. "Because when you get back, you're gonna wish that you'd stayed."

 **-o-**

The Red Line: an insanely massive wall of stone that circumnavigated the world. Impossible tall, impossibly wide and impossibly impassive. Over the timeless years of its existence, this geological marvel and nightmare has seen countless entities smash into its side and meet their doom, splattered over the unmoving stone.

Most of those entities, though, were such things as Sea Kings, ships, and Island Whales. Today may have been the first time a lone _person_ had tested their bodily integrity against the might of the Red Line.

"Note to self…" a pained voice wafted out of a newly formed and relatively large crater in the face of the continent. "First: Outlaw the presence of any mirrors or other reflective surfaces anywhere that I'm assigned. Second… _ooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww…"_

 **-o-**

"Yow!" I yelped as a salvo of musket fire crackled through where my head had been a half-second prior. A series of explosions followed, from Lassoo if the recoil shaking my left arm was any indication, and I took the moment to process the situation we were in.

Honestly, it wasn't nearly as bad as my near miss had just indicated. Between Nami's area attacks, Robin littering the battleground with her arms, and Franky bull-rushing every big group that tried to form up with fists and cannon, the Marines attacking us had absolutely _no_ cohesion whatsoever. Instead, they were a mob, and not even a very big one, and we could handle a mob.

Case in point: as I stood up, three Marines were rushing me, two with cutlasses and one with a big iron club. Fortunately, they had strung themselves into a single-file line. I sidestepped the first sword swing, stamped on his foot, and Lassoo took the opportunity to chomp onto his oversized nose. The second one hesitated, since his buddy was in the way, but that just gave me time to let Lassoo toss the first Marine away and swing my baton upside his jaw, the impact lifting him an inch off the ground and the shock knocking him out.

That just left the third guy, and before either of us could even move another Marine flew from out of nowhere and knocked him into the water.

"Kill-stealer!" I shouted in Boss' direction.

"Sorry!" the dugong shouted back, his tone and the glare Chopper was sending his way saying otherwise.

Huffing, I turned back towards the line, just in time to see a lightning bolt fry a group of Marines that were held in place by hands sprouting from the ground, and Franky using one especially large Marine as a club.

"Yeesh," I muttered, shivering.

"The Straw Hats are tearing us apart!" I heard one Marine wail.

"That would imply you were putting up any resistance at all!" Su taunted as Conis pumped another grenade at one of the battleships' crow's nest.

"Would somebody shut that damn puffball up already!?" another soldier shouted.

" **OI!"** Soundbite barked indignantly. " _The only one who gets_ TO INSULT THE COTTONTAIL _IS ME!"_

"And she's _my_ puffball in the first place!" Conis picked up.

"WELL, SHUT HER THE HELL UP, HER PISSY VOICE IS GIVING ME A DAMN MIGRAINE!"

"Better idea," Conis snarled venomously. "Su, lower their morale!"

"Can do!" Su saluted before clearing her throat. "Attention, Marine dipshits! To clarify your current situation, the reason you are fighting against a crew that your bosses know you have little to no chance of defeating is that you are what is commonly referred to in the business as _fodder!_ For those of you who find the truth of your lot in life too disturbing to contemplate, I suggest that your next course of action be to curl up and kiss your asses goodbye!"

I promptly came to a halt as I exchanged a look with Soundbite. "Why the hell didn't _we_ think of that?" I questioned incredulously.

" **Because we're idiots…"** Soundbite lamented with a sigh before casting a glare over his shell. " _By the way,_ ON YOUR SIX."

I promptly jerked my shoulder back, ramming Lassoo's stock into the face of the Marine who'd thought it would be a good idea to try and get the drop on me. "Thanks. And I'm guessing that you're not going to let Su take all the glory lying down?"

" _ **NOT ON YOUR LIFE!"**_ A second after the proclamation, his telltale whine filled the air. " _Attention, Marine_ **pisswidgets! Allow me to OFFER SOME** _ **MUSICAL ACCOMPANIEMENT FOR this shitshow!"**_

Following his proclamation, an electronic baseline started thumping against everyone's ears. After a few seconds, Soundbite put an actual voice to the music. Suffice to say that the lyrics were…

" _When a fight is just plain wrong/We all sing the Curbstomp Song!"_

 _Telling_ , to say the absolute least of matters.

I snickered as I literally watched the collective decorum of nearly all the Marines on the bridge _plummet._ "Anything for you but mindless good taste, eh?"

" **I AIM** _ **to please!"**_ Soundbite confirmed with a cackle.

I smirked as I got back to the fighting, but my grin shrunk a bit as I glanced around uncertainly. We'd been going at it for a fair amount of time now, but nothing was really _changing._ At the moment, what I'd really give anything for would be some way of telling when in the timeline we were, but I suppose that was asking for a bit much, wasn't—?

 _BOOM!_

A ripple of shock ran across the bridge, along with a literal _tremor_ as a literally gigantic fist punched out the wall of the First Pillar.

I blinked in surprise as I watched the fist snap back into the tower and the smoke of an impact appear on a nearby battleship. "Well, that works as well as anything…" I muttered. I then grinned viciously as I watched a blur leap from the pillar towards the battleship and start _pummeling_ the vessel into splinters. "Soundbite, for the love of all that's holy, _tell me_ you have a lock on Onigumo."

"YOU BET YOUR _ASS I DO,"_ Soundbite leered sadistically. " **And I'm gonna** _ **let the world in on things,**_ _because matters on his ship are_ _**GETTING…**_ **INTERESTING."**

I grinned maliciously. Then, in a spark of inspiration, I reached into the bag at my side, felt around for the dial that controlled the dead zone, and spun it as far _counter-_ clockwise as it would go. And not a moment too soon:

"— _is fighting CP9's Rob Lucci on battleship no. 4, identification BB-26! They're—!"_ The soldier who was speaking winced as Luffy put his inflated fist through what I could only _assume_ was the ship's powder room, going by the size of the explosion. " _They're tearing the ship apart!"_

" _Hmph…"_ And going by the sneer that Soundbite was sporting, _that_ particularly pleasant-sounding individual was none other than Vice-Admiral Onigumo himself. " _If it's Rob Lucci, then chances are he won't die. And strong as Straw Hat might be, he doesn't have Moonwalk."_ There was a click of a transponder's mic being picked up. " _All gunners, put vessel number 4 in your sights. Fire in five seconds."_

The sheer matter-of-factness in the bastard's voice as he condemned countless soldiers to a pointless demise sent shivers running up my spine, but I got one _hell_ of a thrill out of the fact that the entire _bridge_ froze as the announcement swept over them.

One soldier on Onigumo's ship, however, was rather more animated. " _B-But Vice Admiral, sir!"_ the poor doomed man protested. " _Y-You can't be serious! There a-are more than a thousand of our soldiers on that ship, if we—!"_

 _ **BLAM!**_

The gunshot and subsequent death gurgle were audible in the near perfect silence.

" _Does anyone else,"_ Onigumo growled. " _Have a problem with doing whatever it takes to stop one of the world's most dangerous criminals?"_

The silence that followed was _thoroughly_ telling.

" _That's what I thought. All cannons fire at will."_

 _ **KRAK-BOOM!**_

The detonation of battleship no. 4 was _titanic,_ and observed by countless shell-shocked Marines at that.

"D-Did they just…?" a nearby soldier whispered.

" **Yeah, they did…"** Soundbite nodded solemnly, his eyes tracing a particular speck as it flew through the air and back to the bridge. " _And only two survivors at that. THAT WAS…"_ He shuddered in revulsion. "NOT FUN TO **LISTEN TO.** _ **At least they never knew WHAT HIT THEM."**_

I snorted darkly as I tore my eyes away from the pillar and refocused on the Vice Admiral's ship. "And neither will he." I adopted a sadistic grin as the whine that pierced the air indicated that Soundbite had gotten my meaning. "Hey, Vice Admiral Onigumo! Do you mind if I quote you on that little line you used earlier, when you executed that Marine in cold blood?" I then made a show of slapping my own forehead. "Oh, wait, now I remember! We're _live,_ so it's a bit late to be asking that, huh? My bad!"

"SMILE, MORON! _**You're on Candid Snail!"**_ Soundbite announced.

" _Jeremiah Cross,"_ Onigumo's voice growled.

"That's my name, I live to see the day that it's worn out!" I mock-saluted. "And while I have you, would you care to share your rationalization for, well, you know, sacrificing an entire battleship _and the thousand lives still onboard it?"_ I prayed that the response I got would serve to bury the bastard.

" _Tch… 'rationalization'?"_ And as the spider scoffed incredulously, it was clear that I would not be disappointed. " _Why would I have to rationalize anything, you damn pirate? I had a clear shot at ending the life of a criminal and I took it. There was nothing wrong with my actions, it was simply common sense. So what if I had to sacrifice a few lives in the pursuit of it? Those men forfeited their lives in the name of Justice when they chose to take up our banner and they'll serve it as the Marine Corps sees fit. One way or another."_

I positively _relished_ in the sight of several dozen Marines staring down at their uniforms in naked horror. Wondering how far I could push the buck, I tilted my head to the side as I took on an innocent expression. "Is that so? Well, I suppose that that makes _some_ measure of sense with your own soldiers, they knew they were possibly giving up their own lives." I allowed a demonic grin to spread across my face. "But what about the lives of _civilians?"_

My heart soared as Soundbite's secondhand scowl deepened…

 **"SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU DAMN SPIDER!"**

Before skipping a beat or three when a world-shaking roar erupted from the direction of the thoroughly pummeled Gates of Justice.

I shot a hopeful look at Soundbite once I managed to get my hearing back, but to my disappointment he shook his head with a grimace. "Damn gag orders…" I cursed under my breath before shaking my head. "Ah, well, it was worth a shot. At least we got _something_ out of that, neh?" I chuckled a bit before turning my attention to the still shell-shocked Marines around me. "And by the way, if anyone here feels like making a run for it, I'm sure that we can come to a—"

" _Dot dot dot dot!"_ Soundbite suddenly sounded out. " _ **Helluva sense**_ **OF—** _dot dot dot dot!—_ **TIMING!"**

"But it could be constructive," I shrugged as I pressed the appropriate button. "You're on the SBS, what's—?"

" _HURK!"_ Soundbite's head suddenly rocked forwards as he gagged on something.

"Soundbite! Crap, what's—!?" My concern morphed into terror when my snail started coughing up _smoke._ "Oh, shit… oh shit shit _shit!"_ I hastily scrabbled for the button to hang up the call—!

And jerked back as the action produced a cloud of smoke and a faint sense of burning from the few nerve endings I had left in my hands.

" _ **Let me be perfectly clear,"**_ Soundbite rumbled murderously. " _ **Any soldier who dares to take so much as a step back will be met with a firing squad upon their return to Marineford. And if you think for even a second that I will not find out the names of each and every last traitor to Justice?"**_

The heat _somehow_ coming off of Soundbite _tripled_ , to the point I could actually feel it radiating off of him. For the briefest of instants, so brief I'm still not sure I actually saw it, I got the impression of a volcano spewing lava and ash over the poor, defenseless countryside.

" _ **THINK AGAIN."**_

And then the connection cut off and I was left shivering on the Bridge with a wheezing, still-warm snail on my shoulder.

It took me a second to get my bearings back, but once I did? I didn't even need to turn around to know that every Marine on the bridge was shakily raising their weapons as they prepared to start fighting again.

"For the record…" I huffed regretfully. "I _do_ understand why you're doing this, and I _do_ forgive you for it."

Before any of the Marines could react, I snapped Lassoo up and squeezed off a trio of Cani-Cannonballs at them, the resulting blasts giving me a nice sizeable chunk of breathing room. I took the opportunity to drop Lassoo off my shoulder and jerk my head at the mob. "Buy me some space for a bit, would you, boy?"

The dachshund-cannon drew his hackles back in a savage grin. "With _pleasure."_ And with that, he started belting out a barrage of firepower upon the Marines, keeping them well away from me.

Taking advantage of the small area of relative peace he was affording me, I hummed thoughtfully as I scratched my head and got my thoughts in order. "Alright, ship's blasted, Luffy's back on the pillar, which means…" I muttered under my breath where the SBS couldn't hear me before snapping my fingers in realization. "The passage is flooded, good. So the guys should be getting here soon." I frowned in realization as I glanced down at the water churning far below the Bridge. "Save that Kokoro got out on the _boat_ and in calm waters. Right now, we're high up and the maelstroms are at full force." I gnawed on my thumb as I glanced to the side. "I know that mermaids are good in the water, but can she really—?"

 _SPLASH!_

I blinked in confusion as the sound of water splashing reached me. "Eh? The hell?" I looked downwards in confusion. "What the heck was—?"

A blur of motion and then—

"NAGAGAGAGA! MISS ME, BRAT?"

 _ **MY EYES!**_

" _ **OH, THE HUGE MANATEE!"**_ Soundbite caterwauled as he snapped back into his shell.

" _IT BUUURNS!"_ I howled, falling back on my ass and clawing at my face in agony as I rolled back and forth on the bridge. "SOMEBODY GET ME SOME ACID, I NEED TO REMOVE MY EYES! _NOTHING CAN HURT MORE THAN THIS!"_

"Wha—? Aw, c'mon kid, you're exaggerating! I know I've let myself go, but—!"

"Cross!" I dimly heard Conis call out and start to run over. "Are you al—AUGH!" She suddenly cut herself off with a terrorized scream. "THE HORROR! _THE HORROR!_ _THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!"_

"IT BURNS WITH THE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND SUNS! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MERMAIDS BEING BEAUTIFUL!?" Su wailed fearfully.

"YOU TRY PUSHING SIXTY AND HOLDING ONTO A SUPERMODEL BODY, WHY DON'T YOU!?" Kokoro snapped in an annoyed tone before shaking her head with an annoyed huff. "But fine, fine, I get the point, I'm putting my damn shirt back on! Tsk, damn kids, way to make a woman feel insecure! Be a bit more appreciative, why don'tcha! I saved your friends' lives, you know!"

"We'd rather have drowned…" a trio of pained voices gurgled.

"But it's not too late for the rest of us," moaned… well, pretty much every Marine in earshot, many of which were looking longingly at the edges of the bridge.

"How could the very incarnation of a man's romance have such a cruel reality?" one particular soldier lamented.

"OI, DON'T YOU DARE BESMIRCH MAN'S ROMANCES WITH YOUR LUST-ADDLED PERVERSIONS!" Boss snapped indignantly… though a second later he hissed uncomfortably. "Ah… though in this case you bastards _may_ have a point, yes."

At that moment, I heard something that I hadn't expected ever to hear:

"THAT DOES IT! MERMAID KICK!"

Kokoro shouting angrily. Apparently, there was only so much that she could take.

After a few deep breaths, I felt confident enough to open my eyes again, and I let out a sigh of relief when I saw the now-clothed Kokoro… though I then proceeded to gain a sweatdrop as I watched her punt around a dozen or two Marines with her yet-uncovered fin-feet. "OK… not something you see every day. Anyways, where was—?"

"CROSS!"

I abruptly found myself cowed beneath the wrath—and hovering sole—of an insanely furious chef.

"Why. Didn't. You. Warn us?!" he snarled.

I stuttered for a moment as I _tried_ to think of a response that wouldn't get me pasted into hamburger meat, and then I remembered something, and gathered myself enough to reply evenly. "In lieu of answering that question, may I suggest that you turn your anger towards the Marines? Who, might I add, actually put a sizable scar on Vivi?"

As expected, that succeeded in redirecting his anger. He froze briefly, glanced at Vivi, who was remaining beside Carue and fending off anyone who attempted to come near, while simultaneously grimacing every time she strained her abdomen, before _slooowly_ turning his gaze to the nearby Marines.

I was then forced to scramble back a few feet when he was suddenly engulfed in a blaze of fire. " **They did** _ **WHAT?"**_ an infernal voice rumbled.

I chuckled venomously as I waved goodbye at the pants-wettingly terrified soldiers nearby, before flinching back in terror myself when a flaming finger jabbed itself in my face.

" **This isn't over, crap-mouth,"** Sanji warned me, his hellfire burning radiant in his eye as he shot off and started absolutely _tenderizing_ the opposition.

I swallowed heavily as I watched him go at it, wiping away a goodly amount of cold sweat that had broken out on my brow. "Sweet shit, that was close, I seriously thought that I was going to die…"

" _You still might."_

I froze up as a particularly bloodthirsty blade laid itself across my shoulder and the sound of an elastic stretching sounded out right behind my skull.

"Now, guys—!" I started hastily.

"Save it, Cross," Zoro scoffed as he withdrew Kitetsu III. "We're smart enough to know that we've got more important things to worry about."

"This is just a friendly warning is all." The sound of rubber reversed. "Once we're out of here, though? Watch your back."

Since when the hell could _Usopp_ manage to sound that badass and terrifying!?

"For now, though…"

A pair of projectiles flew past me and slammed into a few more unlucky Marines.

"We'll focus our attentions _elsewhere_."

I held my breath as the pair walked past me and joined the fray, eventually releasing it in a heavy gasp as I collapsed on my back. "I'm a dead man once we get out of here, aren't I?" I whimpered fearfully.

" _ONLY IF YOU_ **get out of here alive,"** Soundbite pointed out. " _ **By the by,**_ **3-o-clock."**

I didn't even miss a beat in flexing my palm and shoving my right arm at the same time. "Impact." The resulting blast did the dual trick of propelling me to my feet and destroying the Marine's footing, giving me just enough time to jam my baton into his gut and take him down for the count.

"Wooow…" Chimney breathed in awe as she poked the stunned soldier's cheek before shooting me a sunny smile. "You look and act like you're all weak and stuff, but you're actually pretty scary, huh, mister?"

"Nagagaga!" Kokoro chuckled heartily. "That's a pirate's life for you, Chimney!"

" **That's a pirate's life** _FOR HIM!"_ Soundbite concurred.

"'Tis a pirate's life for me!" I concluded with my arms spread wide. "Now, if you'll excuse me!" And with that, I turned around and charged back into the fray, scooping up Lassoo back onto my shoulder in the process.

If the Marines had been disorganized before, now they were in utter disarray. It was a credit to them that they hadn't collapsed into an outright rout. Usopp was even more effective at close range, hitting pinpoint targets with a speed he hadn't been able to show off from the tower. Zoro was… well, Zoro. Opposition in front of him just _melted_. And Sanji?

" **Apéritif!"**

A blast of razor-sharp, flaming air sliced through a half dozen Marines… and then through a deck-mounted mortar on one of the battleships… and then into the mast behind it, lighting it on fire and drawing out a swarm of panicked men with buckets.

Well, I suspect he was working out some… admittedly not entirely misplaced frustrations.

The point is, there simply weren't any leakers, so I had to do something I'd been trying to avoid up until then: I had to dive into the thick of the fighting. And luckily, a Marine turned around just in time to catch a boot to his face courtesy of a jump I definitely wouldn't have managed to make before joining the Straw Hats.

The mook went down like a sack of potatoes, KO with a bootprint in place of his face, while his two comrades turned to me with brandished swords.

I responded with a brandished dachshund. "Cani-Cannon!"

A hip-fired baseball took care of them. A whisper from Soundbite, and I sidestepped a desperate lunge from another Marine, my baton meeting the back of his skull as he pitched forward. That done, I turned around for to look for anyone else trying to get a piece of me or for me to get a piece of.

Instead, I blinked in surprise when a Marine… no, _all_ the Marines ran by me. The Marines were… apparently in retreat. An organized retreat, not a full-out run-like-hell falling back, but they _were_ retreating.

"Uh… what the hell?" Nami wondered aloud. "That death threat was pretty clear, why are they all running away?"

"Maybe because they finally got a clue and realized that they can't win against us anyway?" Franky laughed confidently as he slammed his knuckles together.

"Considering the size of the gun at their collective heads, I _sincerely_ doubt that," Robin countered.

I briefly considered the matter. Then all too soon the beri dropped and I ground the heel of my palm into my forehead. "Robin's right, guys…" I groaned wearily. "This isn't the end of the fight."

" _Attention all hands!"_ an amplified voice blared out over the battlefield, originating from the battleships. " _As of this moment, all Junior Officers and enlisted hands are to return to their posts! As of this moment, all further combat operations—"_

I slowly looked up and cast an evil eye at the lines of Marines who had taken their positions upon the battleships' railings and were glaring down at us. "It's only the end of the first _wave."_

" _Will be carried out by officers of Lieutenant and Captain rank!"_ the voice of God continued. " _With the strength of our 300 elite, we will crush these criminals without delay!"_

I choked slightly at the number. "I expected that there'd be _some_ more than usual, but that's just _unfortunate."_

" _We shall fight them in the shade,_ HUH?" Soundbite chuckled dryly

"That didn't work out well for _either_ side," I hissed back.

"Captains…" Conis breathed in soft horror.

"Damn, I was wondering when they'd call these guys out," Vivi grit out as she cast her gaze around.

"Uh… I'm _really_ hoping that I'm wrong, but wasn't _Smoker_ a Captain?" Usopp whimpered fearfully.

"Don't worry, Smoker's not representative of the Captain rank," I cut in. "Between his Logia fruit and seastone jutte, he was probably under-ranked when we met him. There's a reason everyone bought him beating Crocodile. But on a related note, I haven't ever heard of Marine with a Devil Fruit who's been _below_ Captain Rank, so these guys are either using abilities or capable of holding their own against people who do, so no matter what, watch your backs."

"Psh," Zoro shrugged as he rolled his shoulders. "What are you all getting so worked up about? All this proves is that they're too scared of us to try anything else."

"Your mouth is talking shit, mosshead," Sanji chuckled grimly as he blew out a smoke cloud. "But that ratty bandanna you're putting on is saying something entirely different."

Zoro snorted dismissively as he glanced back at the cook. "And what, you're just chewing on the filter for the hell of it?"

"Hey, listen you—!"

" _As well, I have a status report from ships no. 3, 8, and 9 at the island's main gate. The traitors Oimo and Kashi as well as the Straw Hat Pirates' allies have been eliminated."_

My crewmates tensed around us, but a hasty cough of ' _Bullshit!'_ into my fist served to calm them down.

" _The battleships will return to the Bridge to aid in the final elimination of the Straw Hat Pirates! For now, all Marines present, assault the Straw Hat Pirates! Forward!"_

"You… you dare claim that you defeated my boys that easily?!" Boss snarled as the Marines leapt onto the bridge and started charging at us, his Thermal Dart spinning so fast it blurred into a red-hot circle. "I'LL MELT YOU ALL INTO _TAR_ FOR SUCH AN EGREGIOUS INSULT!"

I gritted my teeth slightly as I watched the officers approach before casting a glance at Soundbite. "You about ready to blow your best _now?"_ I growled as I took a knee for the second time that day.

Soundbite grinned viciously as he furrowed his eyestalks. " _All the better to_ **BLOW THEM AWAY.** NOW THEN, IF YOU DON'T MIND…" The ambient sound on the bridge suddenly died off. " _ **A LITTLE QUIET,**_ _IF YOU PLEASE."_ He then closed his eyes. " _ **In the land of silence…"**_

I blasted out a Cani-Cannonball at the approaching Marines. The projectile detonated about a meter in front of the crowd—

" **Gastro-Cani Combo: BASS CANNON!"**

And a nice little swathe of the opposition and a goodly chunk of the bridge were both sent _flying_ from whence they came.

I chuckled venomously as I stood back up. "I'd say that that's about twenty, twenty-five down."

" _And an assload left TO DEAL WITH…"_ Soundbite groaned as his eyes spun in his skull. "AND FOR THE RECORD, **SEEING AS I THINK** _ **I BLACKED OUT FOR a second there,**_ **I'm not pulling that party trick again** _ANYTIME SOON."_

"That's fine by me!" Boss scoffed as he cracked his neck in anticipation. "Just means that there's more for us!"

"Speak for yourself…" Usopp groaned.

"Like it or not, it doesn't matter worth shit." I squared my shoulders and snapped my baton out, jamming its button as hard as I could. "Here they come!"

And then, just like that, the Marines' fighting brass was upon us.

I don't remember much of the next… ten minutes? I think? I dunno, the point is, I was too busy trying to _not die_ to keep track of things. It was all a blur, occasionally interspersed with sharp objects trying to lodge itself in my vital organs, fists trying to punch holes in me, and myself retaliating by breaking… basically everything within grabbing range.

Alubarna had _nothing_ on the sheer and utter moshpit that the Bridge of Hesitation had become, because in the end? While Alubarna was damn bad, at _least_ there I was something to be ignored in favor of more important things, namely killing each other. Here? Taking me and my friends' heads off _was_ that 'more important thing'.

And as if the definite spike in quality and relative spike in quantity of enemies weren't bad enough—!

"Cross, duck!"

"Woahshit!" I cursed, snapping my head below one of Vivi's Lion Cutters as she slashed a Marine I hadn't caught sight of out of midair.

"Than—ON YOUR LEFT!" I cut my thanks off in favor of showing my gratitude by sending a base-cannon-ball down the throat of the Captain who'd been aiming to put a bullet in her skull.

Vivi gave me a grateful thumbs-up, but that was all she was able to do before she had to catch a blade with her chains before it could gouge a new hole in her skull.

—and sweet _shit,_ was it beyond bad enough, but on top of it all, we also had to deal with an absolute sideshow's worth of Devil Fruit-users.

I swear, over the course of that fight, I saw the human body do countless things that I neither thought it could nor wanted to _know_ that it could do. The abilities that were displayed in the fight ran the gamut, from stretching (liberally à la Mister Fantastic, as opposed to Luffy's rubber-style abilities) to secreting copious amounts of acid to throwing cannon-ball sized chunks of rock as fast as baseballs (and that _was_ a power and not pure muscle like Garp, because the fucker pulling it was a goddamn _beanpole)_ to—

"STRONG RIGHT!"

"GAH!"

—to transforming into… berries apparently, hel- _lo_ there.

"Well, this bastard's sure a weird one!" Franky chuckled sadistically as he held a visibly freaked out head in his hand.

"Oh, wait, I've heard about him!" I snickered tauntingly. "You're supposed to be a _very_ good example of the Marines, right?"

The head stopped freaking out in favor of shooting me a look drier than Alabasta. "Spare me, Jeremiah Cross. I have heard every joke in the book, not even you could say one I haven't endured before."

My grin slowly widened by several teeth. "Yeah? Well, I doubt you've ever had _this_ happen to you before. Franky, if you'd be so kind as to wind up the pitch?"

The cyborg promptly cackled as he caught on to my intentions. "Oh, it would be my damn _honor!"_

"Huh? What the hell are you—?" Very Good paled before struggling furiously when he saw me draw my foot back. "Nononono _no—!"_

"Franky the Cyborg pitches to the Straw Hat Pirate's pinch-kicker!" Franky roared as he bowled Very Good at me.

I waited until he was right where I wanted him and then—!

"PUNT!" I roared, swinging my foot forward—

 _THWACK!_

"GAGH!"

—and right into the Berry-man's chin, sending his head flying up and away.

" **HEEEEE'S** _ **OUTTA HERE!"**_ Soundbite crowed ecstatically.

"Yes!" I pumped my fist with a victorious whoop. "It's a Grand Slam! The Straw Hats do it again! The crowd goes _wild—!"_

"CROSS, ON YOUR LEFT!"

"HOGEEZE!" I cursed, only just managing to catch a crab claw with my baton before it could snip my face off. "Make that they go wild- _er._ And as for _you—_ eh?" I paused and blinked in confusion as I looked the guy over in confusion, specifically focusing on his forehead. "The hell? A crab claw _and—?_ What are you, some kind of a goat-man with one of the Crab-Crab fruits or a crab-man with one of the Goat-Goat fruits!?"

"Why don't you go to hell and find out!" the Marine snarled as he raised his other claw-shaped arm.

I promptly sobered up and hit the Marine with a dry look. "Why don't you go first?" I then activated the baton's lightning function, allowing me to deep-fry the bastard and slam my forehead into his, dropping him for the count.

I chuckled to myself as I straightened back up and started spinning my baton in my fingers. "Guess he forgot about the Taser! Sucks to be him!"

"Guess you forgot about the current situation you're in."

I blinked in confusion. "Wha—?"

Then there was a familiar swish of air and I found myself holding onto only _half_ a baton, which was itself starting to crackle ominously.

The Marine who'd cut my baton in half smirked as he leveled his sword at my face. "Sucks to be you, huh?"

I stared numbly at the bisected rod of metal before slowly looking up at the Marine. "That… was a gift," I stated slowly.

"It is truly incredible how little I give a damn," the Captain drawled. "Now, put your hands above your head and—!"

"I don't," I interrupted him with a dry chuckle. "Think you quite understand what I'm saying to you. Allow me to re-emphasize."

I promptly whipped my other hand up and blasted my Flash Dial in his face, with Soundbite amping it into a straight up Gastro-Flash.

"GAH!" the Marine howled, clawing at his eyes and ears.

"That was," I snarled, stepping up and grabbing the Marine's collar. " _A gift!"_ I then stuffed the baton's remains, which were starting to reek of ozone, down the man's shirt. " _YOU BASTARD!"_ I capped it all off with a roar as I kicked the selfsame bastard in the gut and knocked him into his comrades.

It was _thoroughly_ cathartic to see him fry everyone who he came in contact with as a result of the undoubtedly fractured Thunder Dial he was carrying discharging for a final time.

Unfortunately, I couldn't take the time to linger on the sight because for all that it felt nice to get some vengeance for my _fucking baton!_ , the events also meant that I was left without a melee weapon. An advantage the Marines were eager to capitalize on when some jackass with a blade too long for me to catch with my gauntlets or Lassoo started taking wild swings at me.

I only just managed to throw myself to the side and dodge the slash-happy bastard, and he _would_ have managed to chop my head in two with his wild assault if I didn't grab up the nearest of many stray swords and happen to lock blades with him.

"Shitshit _shit!"_ I bit out as I locked hilts with the bastard and held him off.

As if matters weren't bad enough, I _just_ so happened to catch a telltale flash of green out of the corner of my eye, spiking my blood pressure a few more degrees out of sheer terror. "Sorry about this— _GRAGH!"_ I grunted forcefully as I shoved back against the bastard and took a swipe of my own. " _Mockery_ of swordsmanship I'm pulling, Zoro, but currently my options are kind of _limited!"_ The last line was bit out as I swung Lassoo's bulk down like a club.

Zoro responded with a dry scoff. "Trust me, Cross."

 _SLASH!_ "GAH!"

I felt a surge of relief as our crew's swordsman did me the courtesy of finishing my opponent off, before my blood froze as I caught sight of what he'd finished him off _with._

"I have no room to complain at the moment," Zoro muttered acridly as he hefted the forcibly appropriated standard-issue Marine cutlass he was wielding.

I glanced down at the black sheathe hanging at his side in concern. "Yubashiri, is it—?"

Zoro followed my gaze to the hilt before shaking his head. "Bloodied, badly, but ultimately unbowed," he growled around Wado. "The bastard snuck a touch in before I noticed and took a good chunk of the blade with him in the process." He grit his teeth as no small amount of what was presumably rage drew a shudder from him. "It's whole, but I won't know how bad it really is until I've had a blacksmith look at it."

I nodded in relief at the news, before tensing uncomfortably as a thought occurred to me and I glanced around. "Everyone! Status updates, _now!_ How are you holding up?"

"Could be better!" Nami reported from the shroud of iron cloud she'd erected, Usopp and Conis periodically poking out their weapons out to take potshots at clusters of Marines. "I'm doing fine, but Usopp and Conis are running out of ammo!"

"I'm not doing so hot, either!" Franky reported, punching a Marine right in the face - and right as he pulled it back, his hair deflated, flopping in front of his face. "Dammit! I never should've given you that cola earlier! Weapons Left!"

The loud clicking sound that sounded out did _not_ inspire any confidence.

"Ah, hell."

"I'm starting to run out of my Cherry Blossom explosives!" Chopper provided next. "I-I can probably make more, but—!" He suddenly stumbled out of the blue and only managed to keep his head on account of a quick swap from Heavy to Brain points. "But, ah… uh, I know this is a bad time, but I _might_ have overestimated the duration of my stimulant."

"No— _ergh!—_ kidding!" Vivi groaned, visibly fighting to stay standing. Sanji was there to pick up her slack in seconds, but the fact that he was fighting with a black leg rather than a blazing one wasn't encouraging in the least.

"I know I might consistently put on airs of strength," Robin huffed as she kept her eyes clenched shut and arms crossed, systematically snapping limbs and joints across the bridge. "But the human skeleton is astoundingly resilient." She flinched as blood started to trickle down from her palms. "Even I have my limits…"

"You all are total _wusses!"_ Boss laughed uproariously as he bodily flung a Marine into his comrades. "I mean, come on! Where's your fighting spirit, eh? After all, to face impossible odds, standing defiant to the end and eventually emerging victorious…" He drew his fists back as he adopted an intense stance. "Is that not one of the purest and most sublime definitions… OF A MAN'S ROMANCE!? _SIX OCEANS PISTOL!"_

The dugong pounded his fists forwards, blasting a nice, sizeable opening in the enemy's lines before keeling forward and panting heavily as he rested his fists on the bridge. "On, ah… on second thought…" Boss huffed wearily. "I might, hoo… be starting to see, ha… where you're all coming from, geeze…"

"Even Boss admits it? We _must_ be in trouble," Lassoo huffed heavily. "Ah… and by the way? I know that this might be a bad time, but I'm starting to reach the 'fumes' stage myself. We getting out of here any time soon or what?!"

I glanced nervously up at the gun before gritting my teeth and brandishing my weapons prominently. "We just need to hold out until Luffy manages to beat Lucci! Once that fight finishes—!"

" **Cross…"**

Even in the midst of the madness, Soundbite's tone brought me up short, and one glance at his dumbstruck expression was all I needed for my guts to fill with ice.

Soundbite slowly turned his eyes to me, his gaze full of numb disbelief. "… **I think it just** _ **did,"**_ he breathed in horror.

It took a moment for the implications to sink in for me, but once they did I ran like a bat straight out of hell, charging down the length of the Bridge towards the flame-engulfed horizon. I took more than a few hits in the process, a graze from a gunshot here, a nick from a sword there, but it didn't matter to me. _Nothing_ mattered to me other than getting to where the Marines had blasted the bridge to the First Pillar early on, to getting within sight of the secondary battlefield, to catching sight of my—!

I skidded to a halt a foot from the shattered cut-off of the Bridge, my momentum sending a cascade of pebbles and stray debris careening over the edge and into the froth below. But I didn't pay it any mind, in favor of witnessing the horrifying sight before me.

"…Captain…" I breathed weakly.

It was… almost like a scene straight out of hell. Luffy, just lying there in a pool of his own blood and only barely twitching, Lucci standing above him and huffing heavily as he caught his breath.

My mind briefly stalled as I observed the scene, but I quickly managed to kickstart my brain back into work. And once I did… once I did, I didn't consider the enemies behind me who my crewmates were cutting down. I didn't contemplate how this was different from canon. I didn't think about how Usopp should have been the one standing here and not me, and I didn't think about how he was supposed to make a triumphant return and give Luffy the strength to go on either.

I didn't think about any of that. Rather, the only thing that I thought…

" _LUUUFFYYY!"_ I screamed desperately, my voice cutting through the cacophony and echoing through the void.

…was that my captain was _down,_ and that more than anything in the world, he needed to get back up _right the hell now!_

Far below, Luffy shifted slightly in his prone position, moving his head just enough to glance up at me. " _Cross…"_ Luffy's voice wheezed in my ear.

I choked at the sheer amount of weakness I heard in his voice, weakness I had never thought I'd hear from _him_ of all people, but I sucked it up and pressed on.

"Luffy…" I gasped before raising my voice again. "DAMN IT, LUFFY, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING JUST LYING THERE!? YOU NEED TO GET UP, DAMN IT!"

I wouldn't know until Soundbite told me much later that many combatants had directed their attention towards me in that moment, and my crew began fighting them with vigor drawn from who-knows-where to keep them away from me as I kept talking.

"I KNOW…" I choked on the words as tears streamed down my face. "I KNOW THAT YOU MUST BE HURTING LIKE HELL, LUFFY! IT'S SO OBVIOUS, AND I KNOW THAT YOU'VE FOUGHT AS HARD AS YOU CAN." I bowed my head and shook it miserably. "BUT… BUT DAMN IT, LUFFY, THIS ISN'T THE END!"

I flung my arms out wide. "LOOK AROUND YOU, LUFFY! LOOK AT WHERE WE ARE! WE'RE STILL IN PARADISE, LUFFY! WE HAVEN'T EVEN HIT THE HALFWAY MARK, WE'RE BARELY EVEN A _QUARTER_ OF THE WAY THERE! THIS PLACE… THIS HELL OF WRATH AND TEARS, IT'S NOT WHERE IT ENDS! IT'S NOT WHERE _WE_ END!

"WE STILL NEED TO ENJOY SO MANY ADVENTURES, WE STILL NEED TO GO SO FAR, AND YOU…" I craned my head back and choked back a sob. "YOU NEED TO LEAD US THERE! BECAUSE WITHOUT YOU… WITHOUT YOU, NONE OF THIS MEANS _ANYTHING!"_

I snapped my head back down and glared bloody murder at Rob Lucci. "AND AS FOR HIM, THAT LEOPARD- _BASTARD_ …" I snarled murderously. "SO HE'S MANAGED TO TAKE YOUR BEST ATTACKS SO FAR AND KEEP GOING, SO THE HELL WHAT!? AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE STRONGER THAN HIM! YOU'RE STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE THIS KIND OF DAMAGE AND KEEP GOING! YOU'RE STRONG ENOUGH TO FIGHT ON, NO MATTER WHAT GETS IN YOUR WAY! _YOU'RE STRONG ENOUGH TO BEAT HIM, DAMN IT!"_

There was a single second of silence that seemed to stretch for a lifetime. Then it was broken by the last sound I expected at that moment.

" _Dot dot dot dot!"_

In hindsight, I really should have seen it coming, but either way, it didn't make it any less the most downright awesome thing I had experienced up to that point. Admittedly, it was a bit of a reckless move, but I didn't even hesitate to snap my hand down and ram the appropriate button to patch them through.

" _Straw Hat!"_ hollered a voice that I didn't recognize. " _You might not know me, but I've placed all my hopes on you! An all or nothing bet a mile wide and with odds straight from hell, but I placed it knowing that you would succeed! You've come this far, don't fall at the eleventh hour!"_

Not even a moment after the caller hung up, Soundbite started to ring again and I answered again.

" _Come on, Straw Hat! You've fought this far and you're calling it quits_ now!? _That's total BS! Kick that cat's ass!"_

" _Give 'em nothin' short of hell, Luffy! Pirate pride, ever and always!"_

In between calls, Soundbite shot an ecstatic grin at me. " **You're gonna have** _ **to hold that button down,**_ _**CAUSE OTHERWISE YOU'LL**_ _BREAK YOUR FINGER!"_

"You got it!" I nodded eagerly as I rammed the button down and threw the floodgates wide.

 **-o-**

"Come the hell on, Straw Hat!" Bonney roared as she pounded on the table. "You need to walk out of there in one piece, we still need to see which of us is the bigger glutton! _I need my pride as a woman and an eater, damn it!"_

"I'm with her, Straw Hat Luffy," Law nodded firmly, the way he was drumming his fingers on his sword's sheath betraying his emotionless demeanor. "You've been interesting thus far, and the insanity you've pulled could be useful in the future. Get the hell out of there and get out _alive."_

 **-o-**

"Are you fucking _kidding me!?_ You come _this_ fucking far and then you topple _here!?"_ Kidd demanded acridly as he strained against the chain-like bandages that were all but holding his body together.

"Damn it captain, will you stay still already!?" Killer protested as he tried to hold his superior in place. "That cyborg bastard nearly ripped you in half!"

"To hell with you and to hell with me, I'm more concerned with the rubbery moron who's giving us all a shit-name!" Kidd spat before continuing to curse at the snail in the room. "Yeah, that's right, I've got a bone to pick with you, rubber-brain! You've been the gold _fucking_ standard for every pirate of this generation since you beat Crocodile, and now you come this close to losing to a fucking _cat?! If you die and make us look bad, I'LL CLIMB DOWN THERE AND TURN YOU INSIDE OUT WITH MY OWN TWO—_ GRK!"

"DAMN IT, KIDD!"

 **-o-**

"My predictions have never failed me yet, Straw Hat, and they state quite clearly that you will not die today," Basil Hawkins enunciated coldly as he systematically shuffled around the full deck of cards he had splayed out before him. "I will not be pleased if you are responsible for tarnishing my reputation. Get up. Fight. _Win."_

The dinosaur Zoan that the mage had formed a brief alliance with stood impassively to the side as he plied his arcane trade. Drake said nothing, but the fire in his eyes, the twitching of his fingers and the grimace on his face as he stared at the snail said all that needed to be said.

 **-o-**

"Are you certain that this is the right way, brother? Should not more energy be invested in these actions?"

"Let others roar and cajole freely, brother. For now, we shall take another path." Urouge kept his palms pressed together as he bowed his head. "And offer our support in solemn silence. A mad monk I might be and fallen monks we may be called, but I have not forgotten my teachings. While the rest of the world offers support in an earthly manner, we shall seek it from the heavens."

"As you say, brother."

 **-o-**

"ONE AND TWO, ONE AND TWO, APAPAPA!" Apoo roared as he pounded his fists on his chest.

"ONE AND TWO, ONE AND TWO!" the rest of the On-Air pirates shouted back as they beat their own instruments in synch with their captain.

"LOUDER, DAMN IT!" Apoo howled at the sky. "LET THEM HEAR US! _MAKE THEM HEAR US ALL THE WAY IN MARIEJOIS!"_

[DO IT, STRAW HAT!] Captain Dugong shouted, slamming his fists together. [I'M SPEAKING TO YOU CAPTAIN-TO-CAPTAIN, FIGHTER-TO-FIGHTER, _MAN-TO-MAN!_ IF YOU CAN BEAT ME, YOU CAN BEAT DAMN NEAR ANYONE! _DON'T YOU DARE DISGRACE ME NOW! FIIIIGHT!]_

[FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!] the rest of the Great Kung-Fu Fleet chorused.

 **-o-**

"You provided me with an inestimable opportunity, Captain Straw Hat Luffy," Capone 'Gang' Bege drawled as he looked over a golden ingot he was holding, taken from one of the countless stacks of similar ingots that surrounded him. "And now, I owe you a debt of gratitude that I will require many years to repay."

The gangster pirate exhaled a heavy cloud of smoke as he replaced the ingot he was holding and cast an eye to the snail in the room. "I do not forget my debts, Straw Hat. As such, I am _ordering_ you to live, so that I can settle my tabs once and for all. It's _that_ simple."

 **-o-**

"KICK HIS ASS, LUFFY!" Captain 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo and Warlord Boa 'Pirate Empress' Hancock cheered in unison.

Or at least, they _tried_ to cheer, anyways, their words slurred by a degree of inebriation that was made clear by the luminescent blushes they were both sporting.

And they were far from the only ones, either, seeing as the crews of both the Cannibal and the Quetzalcoatl had congregated to throw one of the most roaring parties in the history of the Calm Belt.

Granted, things had been a bit awkward at first in spite of (or more likely _because_ of) their captains' shared enthusiasm, but the tension had died a swift death once the booze got brought out and started flowing.

While most of the two crews were celebrating with extreme eagerness, _some_ of the crewmates were a little restrained in their reactions.

Mr. 5, being one such example of reticence, watched the two captains drunkenly swaying together as they supported each other. "Never thought I'd see the day where I'd get to see a Warlord get sauced up close and personal."

"Considering how I can't recall ever seeing my sister so much as _look_ at a drop of alcohol in my entire life?" Marigold deadpanned. "That goes _double_ for me."

"I see…" Gin drawled as he cast his gaze about before nodding his head to the side. "While on the other hand, seeing as _she's_ only drunk a few mugs, your other sister is a lightweight?"

Marigold cast a flat look at Sandersonia as she watched her sway about in her hybrid form, undulating her elongated torso in order to cause the face someone—her, most likely—had drawn there to dance. "No, she can handle alcohol just fine. It's the _atmosphere_ that goes straight to her head, and seeing as Hancock never attends any parties whatsoever, I'm left as the designated drinker who keeps everyone in line."

However, her melancholy mood slowly shifted to a smile as she watched the party, from her sisters liberally enjoying themselves to Marguerite chatting animatedly with Apis to Valentine greedily drowning what little sanity she had left. "Admittedly, this is quite fun. It's nice to let loose and relax every once in awhile. Dare I say… refreshing?" She punctuated the last word with a shake of her mug.

"Yeah, yeah, I can take a hint," Gin grunted before waving his arm. "Hey, Jack! Another barrel over here!"

 **-o-**

"COME ON, STRAW HAT! YOU SHOWED THAT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THIS WHEN YOU BEAT ME! SMASH HIS FACE IN, POUND HIM TO PIECES!"

"Pupupupu, he's so loud, but the snail isn't even connected," Hamburg chuckled.

"I _KNOW_ THAT THE SNAIL ISN'T CONNECTED, HAMBURG!" Foxy snapped. "CALLING IN COULD BLOW OUR COVER, SO I HAVE TO SHOUT THAT MUCH _LOUDER!"_

"Boss, with how many people are calling in right now, who do you think would be able pick out and recognize your voice from among them?" Porche questioned.

Foxy turned to leer at her. "Considering that that Back Fight was on the SBS? Anyone who's paying enough attention, and I'd bet the ship that if everybody else in the World Government isn't, the Five Elder Stars are," he growled.

"…point," Porche conceded, and promptly began waving her baton. "ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, WHEN I SAY GO, YOU SAY LUFFY! GO!"

"STRAW HAT!"

"CLOSE ENOUGH!"

 **-o-**

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOIN', LUFFY!?" Dadan roared indignantly. "COME ON, WHO THE HELL CARES IF THAT BASTARD'S A ZOAN, HUH!? YOU ATE BIG CATS FOR BREAKFAST FOUR DAYS OF THE WEEK, AND THAT WAS ONLY IF THE DAMN CROCODILES WEREN'T BITING! SHOW THAT PUSSYCAT WHAT'S WHAT! _I RAISED YOU BOYS BETTER THAN THAT, DAMN IT!"_

"Did she even raise them at _all?"_ Mogra muttered under his breath.

"I think she's just trying to capitalize is all," Dogra muttered back. "After all, what's the point of turning the hideout into a dive bar if we're not even associated with the guy it's all—!" _THWACK!_ "YEOW!"

"IF YOU GOT TIME TO GAB, YOU GOT TIME TO WORK, _SO GET BACK TO WORK!"_

" _YES, MA'AM!"_

Meanwhile, in a corner of the renovated hideout, a certain old man sighed wearily as he grabbed the nearest bottle. "Oh, forget it. I give up," he groaned.

"That's the spirit, Mayor!" Makino grinned cheerily as she clapped his shoulder.

 **-o-**

"YOU CAN'T GIVE UP NOW, LUFFY!"

"Aisa, you get down from there right—!" _THWACK!_ "—OW!" Laki yelped, clutching the spot where a pebble had slammed into her head.

"GO BLOW IT OUT YOUR RIFLE, LAKI!" Aisa howled from atop the totem pole she was balancing on, a Transponder Snail clutched in one hand and a loaded sling spinning in the other. "I'M GONNA SUPPORT MY CREWMATES NO MATTER WHAT AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!"

"YOU'RE NOT A PIRATE, AISA!" Laki protested vigorously.

"Aw, c'mon, Laki, why not leave the kid be?"

The sniper shot an acrid glare at her fellow tribemate, who was leaning against a nearby tree. "You're just taking her side because she's actually putting up a fight for once!"

Wiper responded with a raised eyebrow. "And the problem with that is…?"

Laki snorted darkly before refocusing on her pseudo-younger sibling. "Aisa, if you don't get down from there _right now_ , then you're _grounded!"_

"SEE IF I CARE!" Aisa snapped back before focusing on the snail she was carrying. "AND CAPTAIN, YOU HAVE TO WIN! I—!"

Laki paused in her attempt to climb the pole as Aisa suddenly choked up, tears stinging in her eyes. "I HAVEN'T EVEN JOINED YET! I-IT'S NOT FAIR! SO, PLEASE! YOU WON AGAINST GOD, SO WIN NOW! YOU… YOU HAVE TO…"

Aisa threw her head back and screamed to the clear heavens above.

" _YOU HAVE TO_ _LIVE!"_

 **-o-**

I choked as I processed what I was listening to. So much support, so many calling in from so far. All for us, all for _him_ …

"Can you…" I started weakly before gasping in a breath and raising my voice. "CAN YOU HEAR THEM, LUFFY!? THIS… THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING! BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, WHETHER YOU CARE OR NOT, THE TRUTH IS PLAIN AND CLEAR! THE WORLD…" I smiled at the sky as I wiped the tears from my eyes. "THE WORLD'S CHEERING YOUR NAME! THE WORLD ITSELF IS BEGGING YOU TO _WIN!_ SO THAT'S WHY… THAT'S WHY… THAT'S WHY NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER WHAT… YOU CAN'T…"

I sucked in as deep a breath as I could… and then I _roared._

"THAT'S WHY NO MATTER WHAT, YOU CAN'T LOSE, LUFFY! _YOU CAN'T LOSE!_ "

 **-o-**

Rob Lucci growled as he heard Jeremiah Cross' words ring out, and so many others joining the chorus. But it didn't matter; Straw Hat's will had been impressive, but he, Lucci, had used his trump card. No amount of cheering would be able to—

" _ **Gear… Second."**_

His eagerness was gone now; as the leopard Zoan turned back to face the only opponent in his life that he would ever willingly deem an equal, he felt only rage and incredulity. But above those? A foreign emotion had crept into his mind, an emotion whose visits he could count on one hand: fear.

And as soon as that fear flared, it transformed into renewed rage. "You… can still _move?"_ he snarled vehemently.

"I won't give up…" Luffy bit out, through all his pain and all his blood. "Until you go _down."_

Lucci's scowl twitched minutely, for more reasons than just rage. "Life Return: Release," he huffed, allowing his compressed muscles to expand out to their fullest and relieving some measure of his pain, however incremental. "I'm going to crush you, each and every one of you, in one _second!"_

With that, the Zoan flashed forward at the pirate and unleashed a barrage of practically simultaneous finger pistols. "Spots— _GRGH!"_ he snarled audibly as each and every one of his shots was perfectly countered by rubber knuckles meeting his own.

Without a word, Lucci flashed back a foot, giving himself a moment's pause before reappearing in Luffy's face, fists outstretched and at the ready. The flash of fear in the pirate's eyes was supremely satisfying.

"I WON'T FALL FOR THAT AGAI—!"

Lucci's tail lashed out, snaring Straw Hat by his waist for the moment he needed to channel the bulk of, if not _all_ the energy he had left into one final attack.

"Ultimate Radius," Lucci snarled. "SIX KING GUN!"

The shockwave that erupted from his fists slammed clean through the rubber man's body, and devastated the wall on the other side.

The pirate's eyes rolled up in his head as he coughed up what must have been a quart of blood, and his body went limp.

Lucci, on the other hand, was left in a state of exhaustion that he hadn't felt since… since… he hadn't ever truly felt _this_ exhausted, ever. Still, it didn't matter. What mattered was that he'd _won._ It had been the fight of his life and he'd won. And now… now he needed to pick up the pieces of his life.

As such, the Zoan let his tail uncurl, turned his back on Luffy and began walking towards the rest of the bridge, mustering up the remaining strength he'd need to kill the crew that had so foolishly branded themselves as enemies of Justice.

 **-o-**

" _LUUUFF—ERGH!"_

Soundbite _made_ to join Cross in screaming their captain's name as he staggered drunkenly, but he suddenly cut himself off as his tongue stuck in his throat.

Thanks to his newly awakened abilities, no one ever noticed more than a slight hiccup in the broadcasting of the voices of the world.

Thanks to everyone looking everywhere but at him, no one noticed his gaze coming slightly unfocused.

And thanks to the sheer cacophony that was shaking the world at that moment, no one heard the hiss of static that filled the air.

 **-o-**

As Luffy swayed back and forth on his feet, all he could think of was pain. It hurt… so much. Not just one part of him. Not just his chest, not just his arms, but _everything._ Standing hurt, breathing hurt, _seeing_ hurt. It all just hurt so _bad._

Luffy was strong, incredibly strong, but even the strong had their limits, and he'd reached his. And so, with little choice left to him, Luffy slowly pitched backwards and his mind started to fade into the black.

But that was as far as he got.

" _Hey… Hey, kid. Can you hear me?"_

Luffy groaned weakly in the affirmative.

" _Heh. Yeah, that's what I thought. Look, kid, I know that you're going through hell right now, but you can't give up, alright? You're not done yet, not even close. Here, I'll even help you through it. First things first. Get back on your feet."_

Luffy groaned again, but in spite of that he grit his teeth, surged his everything forward and _forced_ himself back to where he was standing.

" _Good, that's good! Alright, next, that Gear Second of yours. Think you can keep it going?"_

The rubber-man wheezed and panted as he reminded himself to keep breathing, but even so, the amount of steam surging from his body returned to full force. And through his pain, he was able to catch sight of Rob Lucci stopping in his tracks and slowly casting a fearful glance over his shoulder.

" _Heh, that caught his attention. Now, this part is the easiest of all. You see that big ugly bastard in front of you, the one who's been kicking the crap out of you this entire time?"_

Luffy's head nodded infinitesimally as his lungs sucked in that vital oxygen.

" _Well, if you lose here, then he's going to kill your crew. He's going to kill each and every last one of your friends, and he won't stop until he's done. The only person who can stop that is you, kid. So, what you're gonna do is you're gonna dig deep. You're gonna pull up every last bit of power you have, every last inch of it, all of it, and you're going to put it towards kicking. His. Tail. Think you can handle that?"_

Luffy's eyes slowly filled with absolute hatred as he processed those words. And fuelling that hatred…

" _The greatest swordsman in the world? That's good! I wouldn't expect anything less from a crewmate of the future King of the Pirates!"_

" _Eh? What are you talking about? Get on already."_

" _Shishishi! Looks like I've found my cook!"_

…were memories.

" _NAMI, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY FRIEND!"_

" _Hey, that's a pretty neat trick!"_

" _SHUT UP! LET'S_ GO _ALREADY!"_

His mind ablaze, the pirate leaned back ever so slightly. " _ **Guuuuum-Guuuuum…"**_

" _Heh. Knew you had it in you. Well, you seem to have this handled, so I'll be going. Good luck to ya. Oh, and before I forget?"_

A D-shaped smile flashed through Luffy's head.

" _You wear my old hat damn well."_

And with that, Luffy let all hell fly loose. " _ **Jeeeeet!"**_

Lucci barely had time to erect a half-assed Iron Body as the first fists hit him. After that…

" _I'll make sure Vivi stays safe. We all will."_

" _SO COOL! So, you guys_ really _want to join my crew?"_

" _WE HAVE TWO NEW CREWMATES! HIP HIP!"_

" _ROBIN!"_

After that, Lucci _lost._

" _SAY YOU WANT TO LIIIIIVE!"_

" _ **GATLIIIIIIING!"**_

 **-o-**

It was an absolute miracle that Rob Lucci managed to endure the barrage he was being hammered by. The fists came hard, they came fast, and they came _relentlessly_ tenderizing every square inch of the assassin's body that they could reach.

His Iron Body didn't matter, his Zoan-enhanced physique didn't matter, not even his own inhuman constitution mattered. _None_ of it mattered because none of it could stand up to the sheer onslaught assaulting him, pounding through his flesh, pounding _him_ into the wall.

But in spite of it all, Lucci managed to remain conscious. In spite of every last bone in his body breaking twice over, in spite of him suffering injuries that would kill weaker men a hundred times over, Lucci stood strong.

And then it happened.

"…rrrrrRRRRR _RRRRR_ _ **RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!"**_

And then Straw Hat Luffy raised his head and screamed his primal fury to the world.

In the moment of that roar, Lucci managed to crack his eye open, and through the haze of blood and pain, he caught sight of a fist.

A single fist, completely like the dozens, hundred, _thousands_ all around it that were pounding into him… save for a single aspect.

Where those fists glistened red, _that fist_ glistened black.

That _one fist_ rammed itself in the middle of Lucci's face… and Lucci lost.

The next thing he knew, Lucci was staring at the ground, the world wavering in and out of focus as he only just clung to the waking world.

At the very edge of his consciousness, the sound of misshapen wingbeats hit his ears, followed by the soft thwump of something feathered slapping into his back.

Lucci coughed up a mouthful of blood and croaked painfully, his voice barely above a whisper, his jaws and tongue barely able to form words. "Status… report?"

"Agh…" Hattori twitched minutely on his back. "I'm… afraid we've lost, sir. Utterly, at that. Couldn't be helped, really, they're… just that good."

Lucci snorted out a heavy breath. "Damn…"

"…Honestly, sir? Maybe we should look on the bright side."

"Which is…?"

"Well… you _did_ push him farther than a Warlord and God. And… one way or another… we won't be… seeing Spandam again. That… has to be worth something… right?"

Lucci panted heavily for a moment before allowing a rueful grin to crawl across his face. "It was… one hell… of a fight…"

And with that, Rob Lucci fell asleep with a smile.

 **-o-**

As Luffy's final attack rang out, the SBS fell silent, and a good number of those fighting on the bridge paused to watch what they could of the fight.

And as I saw Lucci fall, I slowly turned to Soundbite, the Luffy-grade grin that was slowly spreading across his face matching mine tooth for tooth.

And then, as if to dispel any and all doubts?

"ROOOBIIIIIIIN!" Luffy roared, his voice stretching across the air even without Soundbite's help. "LET'S ALL GO BACK! _TOGETHER!"_

I heaved forward and clutched my gut and mouth as I tried to restrain myself. " _Pffff…"_

However, before I could so much as squeak, the Marines were kind enough to provide a trigger. " _C-Calling all ships!"_ the suddenly panicked voice of God stammered. " _J-Just now! T-The pirate, S-Straw Hat Luffy… H-HAS JUST DEFEATED CIPHER POL NO. 9'S ROB LUCCI!"_

"PFFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!" I threw my head back and cackled to the high heavens. "YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, FOLKS! THE WINNER BY TOTAL KNOCK OUT IN THE BRAWL AGAINST THE SOLDIER OF JUSTICE IS NONE OTHER THAN OUR CAPTAIN, MONKEY D. _STRAW HAT LUFFY!"_

I then snapped my finger up and jabbed it into the air. "THIS MEANS THAT IN THE END, IN THE CONFLICT BETWEEN US AND THE DREADED BOOGEYMEN OF CIPHER POL NUMBER NINE, THE UNDEFEATED AND UNMITIGATED VICTORS ARE… _THE STRAW HAT PIRAAAAATES!"_

I swear, nothing, _nothing_ up until that point compared to the sheer torrent of adrenaline coursing through my body at shouting that to the world. The _world…_ Enies Lobby had been earthshaking in canon, but now? _This_ was going to be comparable to Whitebeard punching the planet's core. And it. Was. _Intoxicating._

And hence, with no more regard for the warzone around me, I laughed and laughed—

" _Dot dot dot—KA-LICK! WAY TO GO, LUFFY!"_

" _COMPLETE VICTORY, SUCKERS!"_

" _QUIET, OR THEY'LL FIND US!"_

"THAT'S MY BOYS, HAHAHAHAAAA!"

And I laughed and laughed and _laughed_ as we got the solid confirmation that all of our allies _were_ alright—

" **ALL UNITS! OPEN FIRE ON THE BRIDGE OF HESITATION! DAMN PLUTON AND DAMN THE ELDER STARS!** _ **KILL THE STRAW HAT PIRATES! LEAVE NONE ALIVE!"**_

And when Sengoku's voice bellowed out, and I turned to see the very, very dented Gates of Justice—

 _ **CRACK!**_

…correction. The _cracked_ gates of Justice.

"Uhhh…" Su hedged nervously, cowering as rays of golden light started to shine through the badly abused doors. "Is metal _supposed_ to act like that?"

Vivi opened her mouth to answer, and then choked fearfully as the blood drained from her face. "It does when it's exposed to temperatures several dozen degrees below freezing…" she squeaked as she shakily raised a finger to point.

Indeed, by following her finger I caught sight of signs of frost starting to creep through and around the Gates.

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

And then I just kept laughing.

" _ **WHAT THE HELL IS SO FUNNY!? YOU'RE ALL ABOUT TO DIE!"**_

"PFFHAHAHAHA!" I howled as I shot my grin at the warships looming around us. "I _seriously_ overestimated how smart you guys were. You _still_ don't get it?! WE'VE ALREADY WON! All that's left now is to _get the hell out!_ And that way out…" I turned my attention skywards. "Should be arriving any second now."

And so I waited.

In reality, it was only for half a minute, at the absolute worst, but to me… it was torture. An infinity after an infinity, each instant tick-tick-ticking away without end.

And at the end of those infinities, I was just about to feel the barest sliver of doubt…

…and then it was there.

Tears welled in the corners of my closed eyes as I smiled blissfully. "I knew you'd come…" I whispered.

Soundbite's jaw all but hit the ground as he stared at nothing. "NO. _FUCKING._ _ **WAY."**_

"Eh?" Franky paused mid-punch to put a hand to his ear. "The hell—? Who was that? And what'd they say, it was all garbled."

"Huh!? You goin' deaf, metal-man?!" Boss scoffed incredulously as he whipped his rope-dart around to and fro. "That was as clear as day!" He then frowned in confusion. "Ah, the words were, anyways. The actual _meaning,_ though…?"

"Where did that come from…?" Su wondered, glancing every which.

I grinned as I watched everyone react in confusion, but when I noticed Usopp heading for the edge of the bridge, I snapped my hand out. "Don't!" I shouted, even as I kept on smiling. "Don't look, don't question it! You don't have to! Because in the end…" Tears spilled freely down my cheeks as I wept with joy. "We already know who it is, right?"

Usopp stared dubiously at me before an equally euphoric smile came across his face. He then threw his head back…

" _THE SEA!"_

And shouted.

" _JUMP INTO THE SEEEEA!"_ he cried out, sobbing joyously. "EVERYONE JUMP, RIGHT NOOOW!"

"ROBIN!" I roared at our confused archaeologist. "TOSS HIM IN WITH US!"

Robin stared at me for a second before nodding confidently. "Right!"

"Wha—! Are the two of you nuts!?" Zoro demanded incredulously. "That damn sea is in turmoil, if we go down there—!"

"It'll be fine!" Usopp sobbed in his face. "S-She's here! She's c-come to help us! She's here! She actually _came!"_

Lassoo glanced between us for a moment before shrugging flatly. "Oh, what the hell." He reared on his hind legs and howled. "TO THE SEA!"

"INTO THE SEA!" Boss and Franky chorused, pumping their fists in synch as they dashed towards the edge.

"THE SEA!" Sanji crowed at the top of his lungs.

"INTO THE SEA!" Vivi and Conis cried out together, the angel helping the Princess to carry Carue with her.

"YOU'RE ALL NUTS, YA KNOW THAT?" Kokoro shouted out as she ran after us.

" _THE… THE PIRATES HAVE LOST THEIR MINDS!"_ the voice of God cried out in confusion.

I honestly couldn't help myself, cackling as I swept my arms out wide. "PFFHAHAHA! YOU ALL ONLY WISH! WE'RE NOT NUTS, _YOU BASTARDS JUST DIDN'T COUNT RIGHT! Buuut_ hey," I scoffed mockingly. "I'm a nice guy. So what the hell, allow me to list off the members who currently compose the crew of the future King of the Pirates!"

I jabbed my thumb at myself. "For starters, we have me, my talking snail and my ballistic hound!"

" **REPRESENT!"** Soundbite roared.

"Got that right!" Lassoo bayed.

"The future best swordsman in the world, the ultimate ruler of all snipers and the best chef to ever come out of the North Blue!"

"TO THE—!"

"WE GET IT ALREADY!" two of our crew's monsters snarled as they grabbed our sniper's shoulders and dragged him along.

"The wicked witch of the weather, the ingenious monster doctor and the one true heir of Alabasta and her royal guard!"

"SCREW OFF, CROSS!" Nami and Chopper laughed as they ran past us.

"Give 'em hell, Cross!" Vivi eagerly shouted, slapping me on the back as she passed.

"Ditto!" Carue pumped his wing firmly as he hung onto Conis.

"A band of badass dugongs, our angelic gunner and her pet fox and the demonic heir of Ohara!"

"OOHRAH!" Boss roared skywards.

"I hope this works…" Conis giggled nervously.

"Of course it will!" Su cackled eagerly. "Haven't you noticed it yet!? With these people, the crazier the scheme is, the more it's absolutely _guaranteed_ to work!"

"That does seem to be a fact of life…" Robin agreed, a blissful smile on her face.

"The very heir to Roger's throne!"

"I-I-I-I'M GETTING DIZZY-Y-Y-Y-Y!"

I spared that comment a snicker before spinning on my heel and continuing. "And finally, to round out our numbers, our most crucial and beloved comrade of all…" My smile stretched from ear to ear as I ran to the very edge of the bridge and jumped, even going so far as to pull a flip midair as the bridge exploded behind me.

I smiled down at the sea…

" _Let's go, everyone!"_

And _laughed_ as Merry smiled right back up at us, waving her arms over her head.

" _Let's all go back! Back to the Sea of Adventure!"_

"WE HAVE THE MOST BADASS CARAVEL THE GRAND LINE HAS EVER SEEN!"

 **-o-**

A world away in a fairytale land of sweets, a Long-Leg man and a lion gaped at a cackling snail in shock. Contrary to appearances, this was not the setup to a joke.

"I—! W-Wait, give me a second…" Pekoms stammered hesitantly, holding a hand up as he reached beneath his sunglasses and kneaded the bridge of his nose. "I… t-their ship just came for them? It came for them on its own and _spoke!?"_

" _Bon—Oui,_ it did—soir…" Tamago breathed in shock. " _Bon—Maman… Maman_ is going to be _très_ interested in this development, _sans doubte—soir."_

The mink processed that for a second before snorting and slamming his glasses back into place with a growl. "Well, if she is, then 'Maman' can take care of it herself."

Tamago looked at his companion with a raised eyebrow. " _Bon_ — _Es-tu_ suicidal— _soir?"_

Pekoms gave his partner in crime a flat look. "The Straw Hats may be Paradise rookies, but they're Paradise rookies that just invaded the World Government's own turf for one of their crewmates and _won, with the entire world as their witness._ That is _Emperor levels_ of crazy at _minimum_ , and they didn't even have a fraction of our manpower! I don't care how safe Totland is renowned for being _or_ how powerful Linlin is, I am _not_ risking my shell going after their damn ship!"

Tamago hesitated slightly before swallowing and tugging at his collar. "Ahh… _Bon—Bien dit—soir."_

 **-o-**

" _WOAH!"_ I cried, flailing desperately as I was tossed up—!

 _THWUMP!_ "OW!"

And then crashed down onto the deck of the Merry. "Nice toss…" I groaned as I rubbed my head.

"Sue me, I was swimmin' drunk!" Kokoro cackled from overboard. "Anyways, gimme a bit, will you? These currents are hell and I got a lot of people to find, even with the dugong helping out!"

 _SPLASH!_ "WAAAAAGH!" _THWUMP!_ " _OW!"_

"Make that one less!"

"SCWEW YOU, BOSS!"

I rolled my eyes with a scoff before glancing around—

"Ah, there you are!"

—and picking Soundbite up with a grin, simultaneously discarding the sword I'd been using onto the deck. "Sorry about tossing you like that, I just didn't want you in the seawater is—!"

" _HURK!"_

"…all, _seriously!?"_

" **THE FUCKING DECK IS** _ **SOAKED, ASSHAT!"**_ Soundbite snarled irately.

"You little—!"

"Cross!"

I spun around at the sound of a _very_ familiar ethereal voice, and grinned joyously and crouched down with my arms held wide as a little raincoat-wearing tyke ran at me. "Merry!"

The Klabautermann leapt into my arms and hugged me tightly with a happy sob, and I hugged back.

"JACKASS!"

 _THWACK!_

"YEOW!"

Before she suddenly hauled off and rammed her foot into my shin. Through my greave. And it _hurt_. A lot.

"OWOWOWOW— _WHAT THE HELL, YOU LITTLE SCUMBOAT!?"_ I barked as I hopped around on my uninjured leg.

"YOU BASTARDS LEFT ME!" she roared as she flailed her arms indignantly.

"What!?" I froze in place as I stared at her in shock. "That's—! Hell no, that's not it all! We just decided to hold you in reserve, is all! Come on, you should know this! You don't roll out your pinch hitter in the first inning, you hold her back for the bottom of the ninth!"

Merry snorted and puffed her cheeks out petulantly. "You're just trying to butter me up so that I don't hit you more!"

"…is it working?"

 _THWACK!_

"YEOW!"

"JACKASS!"

"You little—!"

Before I could say anything else, I was cut off by her grabbing my leg and burying her face in my jacket.

"I was so scared…" she whispered tearfully.

I hastily dropped to my knees and hugged her tight, holding onto her as firmly as I could. "I never doubted you would come, not even for a second…" I solemnly promised her.

I heard a few more _SPLASH!_ sounds from nearby, but I didn't look up from where I was. At least, not until Luffy gasped in relief and Kokoro and Boss leapt back onboard.

"Phew, that was close! I thought I was going to—MERRY?!" Luffy yelped in shock.

"Hi, Captain!" Merry waved eagerly. "I decided to pop my body to help you guys!"

"Oh, that's cool!" Luffy laughed happily before refocusing his attention. "Oh, and Robin! Thanks for— _Mmph?"_

He was cut off by an autonomous hand as Robin smiled happily. She then turned her attention back to everyone else. "Everyone," she smiled gratefully. "Thank—!"

" _ROBIN!"_

"— _GWAH!?"_

 _THWUMP!_

I blinked in shock as Nico Robin was summarily _glomped_ by Tony Tony Chopper, Nami and Nefertari Vivi. Sanji tried too, of course, but he missed and crashed into the mast.

"That's new…" I mused numbly.

"THAT HURT, JERK!" Merry roared as she booted Sanji's ass.

"Wha—?" Robin blinked blearily as she looked at the trio on top of her.

"I was so scared that you were going to die before I could say sorry for how I've been treating you!" Vivi sobbed regretfully.

"I thought I was going to be the last sane woman standing on this ship of crazies!" Nami wept fearfully.

"ROBIIIIN!" Chopper blubbered… well, Chopper just straight-up blubbered.

"Ah…" I hastily shook my head in an effort to get my brain back on track. "Sooo… Vivi, does this mean you'll stop being such a bitch to her now?"

Vivi swiftly snapped to her feet and coughed into her fist as she regained her usual composure. "Now, now, let's not go crazy here."

Nami stared up at her with a look of clear exasperation. "Seriously!?"

"She _crucified_ my _father!"_

"It's fine, it's fine, I acknowledge that I made mistakes. I'll send him my sincerest apologies at the earliest convenience." Robin glanced to the side thoughtfully. "I'm sure that I still have the letter template lying around _somewhere…"_

"You will write him a twenty-page essay by hand, and you know _exactly_ which pair I speak of!" Vivi snapped indignantly.

"Is this really the time?!" Zoro roared.

"HEARTLESS BASTARD!" Chopper shouted back as he threw himself at the swordsman.

"HAVE YOU NO RESPECT!?" Usopp demanded as he lunged towards him, his Usopp Pound at the ready.

"DIE, MOSSHEAD!" Sanji declared as he loosed a flurry of kicks.

" _THE DAMN BATTLESHIPS ARE GETTING READY TO BLAST US, YOU MORONS!"_ he shouted back as he hastily blocked.

"Ah…" I flinched and glanced around nervously at the _many_ Marines scrambling around frantically on the Battleships. "Point. Reunite and celebrate later, GTFO _now."_

"Ugh…" Luffy groaned, drawing everyone's attention. Visibly struggling, he held up his arm. "Guys… I've done as much as I can." He grinned weakly. "Can I trust you guys… to do the rest?"

I didn't even hesitate to match his grin tooth for tooth as I dashed up to him and slapped his hand. "Ever and always, captain!" I then reached into my bag, and again grabbed the knob controlling the dead zone. "Alright, how long do we have before they fire?"

" _Half a minute!_ THEY'RE FAST!"

"Well, then, guess we'll just have to up that time limit, won't we?" I angled my head at my snail. "Soundbite?"

" **Aye?"**

I spun the knob clockwise once more before answering through a positively _psychotic_ smile. "Let's have us some good old-fashioned, down and dirty _fun._ "

" **AYE-** _ **AYE!"**_

"Oh, those poor bastards," Merry breathed reverentially.

Not daring to wait a moment longer, I snapped my finger up and pointed at a nearby Battleship. "Attention—!" I barked in a voice that _wasn't_ mine.

" _ **GUNNERY DECK #2!"**_ Soundbite picked up seamlessly.

"This is—!"

" _ **VICE ADMIRAL STRAWBERRY!"**_

"The Straw Hats have pulled a trick! Several of their number have infiltrated—!" I swung my finger around to indicate another battleship.

" _ **VESSEL NUMBER 6!"**_

"Prepare to fire upon the ship on my mark! Any who fail to comply will be summarily executed!"

My grin widened visibly as the line of cannons on the ship re-oriented themselves. "FIRE!"

The very moment that the cannon fire began, I pointed towards the ship behind the one being fired upon. "Attention all hands, this is—!" " _Rear Admiral Winston!"_ "The soldiers onboard of—!" " _Vessel number 1!"_ "Have just mutinied, along with the soldiers on—!" " _Vessel number 7!"_ "Fire on them on my mark!" I gave the cannons a moment to reorient befoooore… " _FIRE!"_

Ah, that barrage of thunder was music to my ears.

"Who next, who next…" I sang as I danced my finger around. "Eenie meenie minie _you."_

And so it went as Soundbite and I proceeded to sow utter _mayhem_ amidst the Buster Call. Oh, and we didn't _just_ order them to fire on one another, that would have been too easy.

We started unwitting mutinies—

"I repeat, the soldiers on decks four through six are compromised! Apprehend them at once so that they may be court-martialed!"

—we undermined authority—

"You thought that voice was me!? FOOLS! That was Jeremiah Cross and his damnable snail! Henceforth, all orders _must_ be preceded by the following passcode!"

—we orchestrated acts of sabotage—

"I am telling you the truth, soldier, the ship is lost! Soak all the gunpowder through, make sure that these bastards can't use our vessel for anything but tinder!"

—but most of all? Over the course of the next three interminable minutes—

"Hurry the hell up! If we don't have that birthday cake ready to go in the next minute, Admiral Akainu is going to have _all_ of our heads! And where are the goat hooves!?"

We raised _hell._

Once all ships the were nice in nice, chaotic disarray, their shots firing anywhere _but_ at Merry, I allowed myself to hunch over and wheeze, panting as I got some breath back in my spent lungs. "Wooo, that was rough…" I panted with a shit-eating grin. "But now… nooooow… nooow we do the coup de grâce."

I exchanged grins with Soundbite before pulling myself to my full height and pointing skywards and shouting out. Our voices sounded in unison as five very specific voices that were not our own.

" _ **FIRE!"**_

And all at once, _every_ last battleship of the Buster Call fired on one another, and the only reason they didn't all go up in splinters was that the fire was divided instead of concentrated.

" _ **SORRY, GUESS YOU ALL LISTENED TO THE WRONG VOICES!"**_ Soundbite and I cackled in the quintet, myself even going so far as to pull my eyelid down and stick out my tongue. " _ **BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME!"**_ And with that, I slashed my hand across my neck and we just flat-out _cackled_ as the Buster Call imploded around us.

"…I will now repeat myself: I am so very, _very_ glad that I am on _your_ side, Cross," Kokoro muttered, looking honest-to-goodness _scared_.

"So am I, Granny," I chuckled, before turning towards the rest of my bemused crew and looking towards the second mate. "Now, seeing as how those ships are still _somewhat_ functional and we've accomplished everything we came here for, what say we leave Enies Lobby to ruin and head back to Water 7?" I raised my hand. "Your turn, o mighty navigator."

Nami grinned as she slapped my hand, looking over her notepad once more before nodding firmly. "Right, then. Everyone to your positions! Half sail on the main, full sail on the mizzen and bowsprit! And whoever's on the whipstaff, course—" She paused, eyeballing what little of the sky wasn't obscured by the smoke of Enies Lobby. "Put the sun off the starboard bow!"

And as soon as we finished scrambling around getting everything perfect—and Nami was up to her usual exacting standards, so that wasn't easy—we were on our way. Now that the threat was mostly disarmed, our navigator chucked the notion of stability out the window in favor of speed.

Even as the big ships wallowed in the ever-changing currents, their shattered masts and shredded sails unable to properly maneuver them, Nami directed us along those currents like as though Merry were little more than her personal bicycle, weaving us around the battleships and whirlpools and catching the edges of the latter at just the right moments and angles needed to give us bursts of speed. Musket fire and light swivel cannon barked out in attempts to hit us, but their height, the close range and the sheer disparity between them and Nami's skills meant that they didn't even come _close_ to hitting us.

Though by no means did that mean that things were _easy,_ by any definition of the word.

"HARD TO PORT!" Nami barked as one of the battleships slewed into our path.

"I've got it!" Boss grunted, lashing out with his rope dart. The weapon bit into the hull of a nearby battleship, swinging us around its prow… with just a _bit_ too much force.

"Too fast too fast TOO FAST!" Merry wailed fearfully as she whipped towards the hull of a battleship portside first. "WE'RE GONNA CRASH!"

"NOT IF I CAN STOP IT!" Nami snapped back before whipping her finger up. "CONIS!"

The angel groaned miserably as she brought her bazooka up to bear. "Oh, this is gonna _hurt…_ " Nevertheless, she squared her stance, leveled the weapon at the warship and pulled the trigger. "Reject Bazoo— _OOMPH!"_ The rest of the attack's name was cut off as the blast tossed Conis off her feet. Thankfully, it was enough to kill Merry's sideways momentum, which allowed us to continue on track.

"That was weeeiiird," the Klabautermann mumbled as she staggered around dizzily.

"Gnnnnrrrrr…" Conis half-whimpered-half-groaned as she clutched her shoulder.

"Alright, almost there…" Nami muttered to herself as we sped down the water-filled alley.

" _ **NOT QUITE!"**_ Soundbite barked. " **We've got a bunch** _OF CANNONS AIMED AT_ **US, AND I can't stop them all!"**

Nami's reaction was… to cast a sidelong glare at the ships around us before heaving an exasperated sigh. "Tch. Yeah, that figures. I guess I might as well take care of them, huh."

…not what I'd expected and not that I really doubted her at this point, but… ah, what the hell. I raised an eyebrow before addressing her. "Okay, I'll bite, how the heck're you planning to pull _that_ off?"

Nami responded by gracing me with an angelic smile. "Answer me this: What is Enies Lobby renowned as?" she asked.

"Ah…?"

Those of us who weren't busy panicking at the sight of gun crews swarming on the nearby battleships sent confused glances at each other.

"It's… an eternal day island?" Sanji finally spoke up.

"Right!" Nami said cheerfully. "So then…" She cocked her head to the side innocently. "Why are we fighting in the shade?"

"Fighting in the—" I parroted, looking up, before cutting myself off as I took in the sky. "Ooooohhhhhh holy shit."

Suddenly, I was very glad my fear of lightning was almost completely gone, because if it wasn't, the sight of a _horizon-to-horizon bank of crackling storm clouds_ probably would've sent me catatonic. And if that seems like a suspiciously specific approximation, that's because as it was, it still took almost all my strength to not pass out.

"When the hell did you set _this_ up, witch?!" Zoro demanded.

"You didn't think all that staff-spinning I was doing on the Bridge was _just_ to control my Eisen Tempo, did you?" Nami grinned cheerfully. "Now, if you'll excuse me…" She started to swing her staff about, causing her cloudy aura to snap about and darken. "Today's forecast warns of an errant lightning god wandering in the vicinity of Enies Lobby. Signs of said god's approach include freak storms, inordinate pillars of lightning and maximum carnage. Should you happen to be in the path of this deity, this navigator advises only one course of action."

An evil grin played its way across Nami's face as she pointed her staff skyward. " _Pray."_

And with that, her Eisen Cloud lashed out a single bolt of lightning and into the tempest above.

While we were all gaping up at the heavens as the clouds steadily started to glow brighter and brighter, Nami smiled cheerily as she spun her Clima-Tact at her side. "Divine Tempo."

She then slammed the butt of her weapon into the deck with a resounding _CLACK._

" _Jupiter's Fury."_

And then the world… pretty much _exploded_ with light and sound as the sky disgorged almost a dozen insanely massive pillars of pure electricity that slammed into the ocean around us, with more than half of them frying the battleships, leaving them dismasted and afire.

Once my vision returned and my ears stopped ringing, I slowly took in the sight of the Marines scrambling about on the now actively _burning_ warships around us before turning a deliberately neutral expression on Nami. "I think I can hear a song playing," I stated.

"Let me guess, 'Hail to the Queen'?" she inquired happily.

"Try ' _Pop goes the Bounty'."_

 _That_ caused Nami to freeze up, her mouth slightly open before she sighed and shook her head. "Yeah, that's fair," she reluctantly admitted.

I chuckled, mentally sending a thank you to Kalifa—and God, if that wasn't something I never thought I'd think—and then glanced back out to sea.

I then felt euphoria begin to bubble in my chest as I realized that I really _was_ looking out to sea, because before us was the sight of a blue horizon, marred only by the last battleship, drifting along dead in the water on a parallel course.

Everyone else was swift to notice and rejoice as well.

"There's the exit!" Merry leapt and pointed forwards joyously.

"Did you ever doubt me?" Nami regained her charisma as she smirked victoriously.

"Do you think I ever _don't?"_ Zoro deadpanned.

"We're free~, we're free~!" Usopp and Chopper sing-sang as they danced around hand-in-hand with one another.

"We made it," Robin breathed as she sighed in relief.

 _CRASH!_

A moment after she said that, said last battleship found itself t-boned as _another_ one came across our path. And at its bow was a figure I immediately recognized.

"Vice Admiral Momonga," I grit out.

"Strong?" Boss queried, his flipper drifting towards his rope-dart, accompanied by an eager glint in his eyes.

"Oh, even better," Vivi lamented miserably.

Momonga proceeded to whip his blade from its sheath and hold it at ready in what was _clearly_ a well-practiced stance.

" _Swordsman."_

"And she means the 'Sea Kings make a good lunch' kind, too," I provided.

"Erk," Boss responded intelligently as he snapped his hand away from his weapon as though it were on… well, you know.

"Why did I open my mouth?" Robin muttered darkly as she massaged the bridge of her nose. "I know _better_ by now, so _why?"_

"Infectious insanity?" Lassoo supplied.

"…yes, that sounds about right."

"Nami-swan, you have a plan, right?" Sanji asked nervously.

"Yup," she said, popping the last letter before raising her hand with her palm out. "Tag."

Zoro snorted through his smirk as he slapped her palm with his free hand, the other occupied with tying his bandanna in place. "Right."

Once he was past her, Nami leaned towards me. "He… does have this, right?"

"Eh…" I hedged uncertainly. "Maybe? It all depends—?"

" _Asura."_

"—Yeah, no, he's got this," I amended seamlessly.

Needless to say, Zoro's illusory doubles appearing around him left everyone gaping in stunned amazement, even me. It was one thing to hear about it in practice, but actually _seeing_ Zoro with three faces and six arms? That was… something else… wait… why did he enter the form _before_ drawing any of his blades?! As it was, he only had three hanging at his—!

My thought process ground to a halt as Zoro spread his legs and took a very specific stance, _all six_ of his hands clutching the hilt of one _very_ specific sword, and going by the way Momonga tensed on his ship, he had a good idea of what was coming too.

" **One Sword Style,"** a trio of hellish voices chorused in synch. " **Asura…"**

"Hoooo boy," I whispered numbly as I slowly brought out my Vision Dial. "This is gonna be—!"

" _ **Imperial Lion's Anthem!"**_

Before I could react, there was… I _think_ there was a blur of motion as Zoro and Momonga swung their blades as one—and then everything was still as Zoro slowly returned Wado Ichimonji back into its sheath.

The second the crossguard clicked against the lacquered wood, two things happened at once.

The first was that Momonga was flung _back_ from the edge of the battleship, his back slamming into the vessel's hull as the wind was slammed out of him.

And second…

Second, Zoro's Asura clones faded, and he walked over to Luffy, pressing his straw hat back onto his face. "And that's that. Back to you, Captain," he grunted.

"Thanks, Zoro!" Luffy laughed through his hat.

"Um, Zoro?" Nami cocked her eyebrow at him in a decidedly unimpressed manner. "Not that getting rid of a Vice Admiral isn't impressive and everything, I'd just like to point out the fact that his _battleship_ is still—"

"Ah, Nami?" Boss interrupted with a cough as he tugged at her jacket, jabbing his cigar at the ship. "I would kindly suggest shutting up about now. It's already been handled."

Nami and I followed the direction he was pointing in and then blinked in confusion as we tried to process our eyes were telling us. It… _appeared_ like the battleship was moving in two different directions for some reason? But that didn't make any sense, why would the aft of the ship be rising above… the…

" **Did he** _ **just cut a Marine BATTLESHIP IN HALF?"**_ Soundbite asked weakly.

I chuckled in dull amazement as I confirmed that _yes_ , the two halves of the titanic vessel were sliding apart. However, as swiftly as I was stunned, I was just as swiftly snapped _out_ of it as I noticed _another_ result of the attack.

 **-o-**

" _Sweet_ shit _man, you even cut the sea and clouds! N-Not that far, admittedly, but—!"_

Mihawk cocked his eyebrow at the snail he was listening to before glancing away with a scoff. "Two steps forward—"

" _I did?"_ the 'novice' swordsman's voice interrupted, the snail sporting an annoyed scowl. " _Tch, damn."_

"… _why the hell do you sound disappointed?"_ the navigator asked in a clearly strained tone.

" _Because if I'd done that move perfectly, then_ only _the ship would have been split in half. And besides, the ship didn't split all the way through; it broke halfway, and its own weight did the rest. Too much force, not enough control. Tch, guess I still have one hell of a long way to go"_

" _YOU APOLOGIZE TO EVERY BEGINNER AND WEAKLING IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW!"_ the Straw Hats' sniper roared indignantly.

Mihawk's eyebrows rose again, and his lips slowly parted into a pleased smile. "Well," he nodded in approval as he took a sip from the cup of wine he was holding. "It would appear that my successor is indeed progressing at an acceptable pace. Good, very good."

"Gurararara! Looks like choosing the one who followed Red-Hair's brat as your own was a good choice," a nearby giant chuckled animatedly before sighing fondly. "Meanwhile, mine is still stuck in the thralls of his youth and rebelling with reckless abandon. Honestly…" Whitebeard shook his head with an indulgent sigh. "I love my sons dearly, but sometimes they need a good clock upside the head."

"Like Shanks himself, unfortunately," Mihawk scoffed with a slight leer.

Indeed, it was the very reason that he was in his current situation. His former rival's rampage, undoubtedly to cause more trouble for the World Government so as to support his protégé, was troubling _him_ by proxy, especially given the fact that he was one of two Emperors on such a rampage. Three would remove any possibility of Mihawk not getting involved, so he had sought out the Moby Dick in hopes of discouraging such actions. He'd succeeded, and as a bonus, found a new drinking companion in the process.

"Gurararara! Now, _that's_ an entirely different matter!" Whitebeard cackled. "Red-Hair can grow as old or strong as he wants, but he'll _always_ be a brat at heart."

The world's greatest swordsman twitched before reaching for his wine bottle. "Don't I know it."

 **-o-**

Once I managed to snap myself out of my shock, I whipped my head around and snapped my finger up at our on-staff cyborg. "FRANKY! GET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE, NOW!"

Franky hesitated at that, glancing around nervously. "Wait, you mean—!? I can't, I ran out of—!"

"Here you go!" Merry piped up as she pulled a trio of bottles out of… _somewhere_ and shoved them in his arms.

"Eh?!" Franky blinked at them in shock. "Where the hell did you—!?"

"Iceburg said that you'd run out, so he gave me these!"

"…tch. Damn Ice-for-Brains—!" Franky muttered acridly as he opened his gut fridge, swapped out the bottles, and then shuddered in disgust. "Ah, gross, this is _diet!"_

" _FRANKY!"_

"Gah, alright, alright!" Franky snapped as half the ship yelled at him, but halfway up the steps he paused and shot an uncertain look over his shoulder. "But… if I _do_ use it—"

"It's the only way," Merry cut him off with a voice full of iron. " _Do it."_

Franky turned his uncertain expression towards the Klabautermann, but seeing her immovable expression, he nodded and dashed to the caravel's stern. "Alright, everyone hang on tight, because I'm giving her all I've got. Max Cola Power!"

"EVERYONE HANG ONTO YOUR _EVERYTHING!"_ I called out as I leapt to the nearest line and wrapped it around my arm. "BECAUSE WE!"

"THIRD TIME, BABY!" Merry laughed ecstatically as she jumped up and down on her own head. " _THIS IS AN EAST BLUE RECORD!"_

"ARE!"

"LET'S GOOOOO!" Luffy whooped at the top of his lungs.

" _OUTTA HERE!"_

" **SAYONARA,** _ **suckahs!"**_ Soundbite roared as loud as he could.

" _COUP DE VENT!"_

And just like that, I felt a few Gs of wind slamming into me, like Reverse Mountain and the Knock-Up Stream all over again. We were _flying_ again… we were _free_ again.

"And, just to discourage anyone from taking potshots at us, SPECIAL ATTACK: SMOKE STAR!" Usopp declared, letting the smoke bomb fly and complete the image of what we were leaving behind: what had been a deadly fleet in a Government base not one hour ago was now matchsticks and razors.

And at that moment? I let all the tension leave me as I threw back my head, flung my fist in the air…

"WE WOOOOON!"

And shouted our victory to the ends of the earth.

 **-o-**

Sengoku drew in a deep breath through his nose as he kept his eyes firmly closed, slowly counting down from a thousand by multiples of seven in a bid to remain calm.

"Let me see if I have this straight," he stated slowly and clearly. "We have lost Enies Lobby. We have lost CP9. We have lost a dozen battleships. We have lost thousands of soldiers. We are still trying to locate where Kizaru landed. And we have months' worth of repair work to perform on the Gates of Justice. And meanwhile, the Straw Hat Pirates and their sixty allies all left the island alive?"

"That sounds about right, yeah," Admiral Aokiji drawled coolly.

"And you're advocating…" Sengoku slowly cracked his eyes open. "That we let. Them. Go."

Aokiji considered that for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Pretty much, yeah."

Sengoku slowly slid his eyes shut and slowed his breathing anew before slowly reopening them several dozen feet higher and with a _lot_ more light. " **If your reasoning isn't the best I have heard since I joined the Corps, I will trade you to Big Mom to act as her refrigerator until the end of your days in exchange for whatever islands I can get."**

To his credit, Aokiji only swallowed minutely under the force of Sengoku's divine glare. "Simple," he drawled in an only _just_ calm voice. "The world's already in turmoil, and it's going to get worse as the Straw Hats' latest broadcast sinks in. And that's on top of the casualties we suffered today. The last thing we need is to storm a nominally allied nation to get at the Straw Hats."

" _And that's_ if _they still decide to stay allied with us, after the first entry from that blackbook,"_ an older woman's voice cut in from nearby.

" **Tsuru,"** Sengoku growled in a barely civil tone.

"Vice Admiral Tsuru," Aokiji nodded politely to the snail.

" _Sengoku, Kuzan. If Iceburg hasn't cancelled all contracts between us by now, he_ will _if we pull a stunt as harebrained as a full-scale military invasion. And if we do that anyway, the best-case scenario would be that Cross and the rest of the Straw Hats die as martyrs, removing any doubt in his words. Tearing an island apart to kill the Straw Hats, and giving no concern to the nation they're in? It would be the final nail in the World Government's coffin, and for more reasons than one. Dragon would sink his fangs into the opportunity with_ gusto _, and I doubt he's the only one_. _This was a complete and utter defeat, Sengoku; the best we can do now is cut our losses and prepare our next move."_

The Fleet Admiral of the Marine Corps stared at the snail silently for a moment before slowly closing his eyes and drawing in a deep breath.

Then he released that breath, and opened his tired eyes as he stared down at the deck of his ship.

"…is Spandam still alive?" he asked softly.

A slight glint appeared in Aokiji's eye as he perked up a bit. "Yes, Vice Admiral Doberman has him on board his ship. He's in bad shape, clearly, but alive."

 **-o-**

" _Shouldn't I be passing out by now?! Oh, God, the pain!"_

 **-o-**

Sengoku allowed a smirk to come over his face. "Good. We'll start cutting our losses by publishing every detail of what happens to him. Not even Cross will be able to call it _anything_ but Justice."

"… _Sengoku, I do believe that that is easily the best idea you've had all day,"_ Tsuru replied.

 **-o-**

A grunt on the other end signified the conversation to be over, and Tsuru hung up the snail with a heavy sigh.

"So…" Garp grunted as he munched on a rice cracker. "When do you think you're gonna forgive him?"

The elderly Vice Admiral shook her head regretfully. "Not for awhile, I'm afraid. We've had our differences before, but… well, haven't you noticed he's not the same man we trained with? That we graduated with?"

"Yeah, no shit, before he didn't hit even half as hard," Garp grumbled as he rubbed his chin before shrugging indifferently. "But what the hell did you expect, eh? Heavy is the head that wears the… ah, damn…" He started snapping his finger helplessly. "What was it, what was it… top hat, I think?"

"Crown, Vice Admiral," Momonga provided dryly as he dabbed oil onto his blade.

"Yeah, that!" Garp pointed at the swordsman with a grin. "Heavy is the head that, eh… blast, the golden asshole really _does_ hit harder. Anyway, what he said."

Tsuru shook her head sadly. "I know that he has burdens, Garp, I do. I have them myself. I understand that… or at least I _thought_ I did." She massaged her face tiredly. "I thought he was standing strong all this time, that I was helping him bear the weight however I could, but instead it appears that all he's been doing is bending further and further in order to better accommodate it, and that…" Tsuru clicked her tongue sadly. "Well, I'm afraid that I just can't approve."

"Quite the moral dilemma," Momonga observed sagely.

"Definitely one heck of a brain-twister," Garp nodded as he prepared to take a bite out of another cracker, before pausing and blinking at the youngest Vice Admiral present in surprise. "Eh? Bushy-tail? When the heck did you get here, brat? And why? _And_ how, I thought you were on the other side of those…" The eldest Monkey winced as he shook out his thoroughly bandaged hand. " _Stupid_ tough Gates."

The swordsman gave his senior officer a flat look. "I've been here for the past three minutes, using my sword-maintenance kit which I left here to repair Josho Kiryu. And as for how I got here—" He jabbed his thumb over his shoulder to indicate the decapitated Sea King floating next to the battleship. "I _swam."_

Garp blinked at the deceased titan in surprise. "Huh. So you did." He then blinked again in surprise. "Wait, 'repair' that rodent-sword of yours? How come? I mean, sure, that Roronoa fellow might have beaten your technique, but seeing as you're not hurt he didn't beat your Haki."

"That's because I got my Haki up in time once I realized that I was outclassed in traditional swordsmanship. I was able to protect myself…" Momonga frowned as he turned his Josho Kiryu in _just_ such a manner to display the exceedingly deep rent in its blade. "But Josho wasn't as lucky."

Garp whistled in awe as he examined the sword's injury. "And I thought they were impressive before. Yamakaji's got the right of it: Monsters and demons, the lot of them."

"As if we're any better?"

"Eh?" Garp blinked at Tsuru in confusion.

"How do you do it, Garp?" Tsuru asked him. "The only excuse that I can conjure is that I've had tunnel vision from supporting Sengoku, but you? You've never allowed your perspective to be so limited. How can you support this, Garp? How can you accept that _this…"_ She waved her hands upwards, indicating the pillar of smoke that was steadily rising above the gates and blotting out the eternal sun. "Is what the world accepts as Justice?"

Garp frowned and tilted his head to the side as he processed the question for a moment before allowing a grin to come over his face. "Oh, that's easy: that crap just doesn't matter to me, Tsuru. You know that. Absolute Justice, Lazy Justice, Moral Justice, whatever, it's all bunk and opinions and stuff. Me? I'll just do what's right and keep following the same thing I always have: my gut."

Tsuru's expression softened slightly. "…I see. And… what does your gut say now?"

Garp stood silent for a few seconds as he contemplated the question… And then both Momonga and Tsuru felt chills shoot down their spines as Garp adopted a smile that they had never known to _not_ mean trouble.

"It's saying… that I should take a few days off to pay my cute little grandson a _visit."_

 **-o-**

Meanwhile, the SBS hadn't stopped broadcasting yet, but with the war over and the victors clear as crystal, the world was already trembling from the shock of what the Straw Hats had done.

And no less awe-inspiring, the Straw Hats were still laughing. Laughing in triumph about their victory over the _World Government_.

" _HAHAHAHA! I'm starting to understand how you feel when your adrenaline spikes, Cross; in retrospect, that was_ awesome!" Usopp cackled.

" _Yes, talk about an amazing first adventure!"_ Conis gushed. " _I nearly died three or four times over, but it was still amazing!"_

" _Okay, now, those parts were_ less _awesome."_

" _Yeah, yeah, that's true, but this conclusion? To have reclaimed one's comrades in the face of impossible odds, conquering our adversaries without a single casualty on our side, this is truly… A MA_ —"

 _BLAM!_

"SILENCE, YOU LITTLE PEST."

The Transponder Snail hastily snapped back into its shell as a bullet glanced off of the edge of its rig. The rest of the civilians in the store, who had remained on their knees, mostly enjoying the broadcast in peace, all flinched fearfully in response to the sudden gunshot.

Meanwhile, the World Noble who had fired upon the snail snarled and snorted murderously as he handed the empty pistol off to one of his aides and received a loaded one in return.

"Those insufferable heretics," Saint Jamolomew snarled as he cocked the new gun. "Daring to defy the divine order of the world, daring to fill my ears with their odious voices… it's bad enough that my servants are so _incompetent!"_ He emphasized the word by pistol-whipping the aide standing next to him, the suit-wearing man taking the blow with a wince but little else. "That I have to bother myself by leaving Mariejois to get some more suitable _rags_ for my slaves." He turned his glare back at the snail shivering on the other side of the room. "But now I am subjected to their odious laughter even now?! Who answered that snail?!" The civilians in the room flinched as he swung his gun over the room. "I demand that you stand up and atone for your sins this instant!"

Slowly, one of the clerks in the store stood up, only just managing to keep her tears under control. "I-I-I'm sorry, m-my lord! W-We were listening t-to the SBS before you entered our h-humble esta— _hovel!_ Humble hovel, a-and because we must kneel in your g-glorious presence, w-we couldn't s-silence it until—!"

"You dare," Jamolomew cut her off. "To blame _me_ for your crimes!?"

"N-N-No my lord, I-I-I swear, I—!" the woman sobbed fearfully as she shook her head.

"Oh, just shut up and _die,_ would you?" the World Noble spat. With that, he pulled the trigger, the hammer swung forward—

 _CLINK!_

—and was stopped cold by an armored finger getting in the way before it could ignite the gunpowder.

"What the—!?" The Noble stared at the finger in confusion before trailing it back to one of his guards. "What the hell do you think you're doing, mongrel!?"

"When I joined the World Government," the knight said in an emotionless tone. "It was for the express purpose of protecting the innocent from those who would do them harm. And now…" He cocked his head to the side. "I am stopping you from harming an innocent woman."

"You…" Jamolomew shook with impotent rage. "You _dare_ to lay your hands upon me?! Me, one of the holy rulers of this world!? I shall have you _executed!"_

"Oh, really?" the knight glanced around at the other members of the entourage moving to grab him before speaking a word that stopped them all flat. "How?"

"Wh—are you stupidly insane or insanely stupid!?" the 'Saint' spat venomously. "When the World Government hears of this, this _heresy,_ they will—!"

"Do what?" the knight shot back. "In case you hadn't noticed, the World Government just got kicked in the balls, and the vast majority of the Marines' military forces are currently at Enies Lobby. They have _no one_ left to spare." The knight slowly swept his gaze over his comrades. "He's all alone. So the question isn't really what he will do to us. Rather…" He looked back at the Noble. "I'd say it's what we're going to do to him."

The Noble sputtered indignantly at the words, an action that merely intensified when the rest of his entourage slowly looked at him as well.

"Wha-What do you think you're doing!?" he stammered indignantly, swinging his head back and forth as the civilians in the shop all slowly started to get to their feet, all of them staring at him as well.

"Simply fulfilling the dream of every single civilian alive with the misfortune to have crossed your path," the rebel guard stated.

"Y-You can't do this! I-I'm a World Noble, a-a Celestial Dragon! My-My blood—AGH!" Saint Jamolomew was cut off by an armored fist closing around his throat.

"Somebody lock the doors," the knight said in a dead tone.

The clerk who had been about to die, her face now a mask of cold fury stained with tear tracks, wordlessly moved to comply, shutting the door and flipping the sign to closed.

"Y-YOU CAN'T DO THIS! T-THIS IS HERESY! _T-THIS IS MADNESS! THIS—!"_

"What this is…"

 _BLAM!_

"— _AAAAAAAGH!"_

"Is _Justice_."

 **-o-**

"M-M-Marine Headquarters! Th-This is Base 227 of Jabowana requesting backup!"

"ON THE FucKING DOUBLE!" screamed a large number of Marines who were struggling to maintain the barricades that were only just barely managing to hold the doors of their base shut, and they were steadily buckling inwards.

"O-On the double!" the Marine frantically repeated. "W-We are currently in the midst of a c-code red situation! The-The entire population of the island has risen up against our base, a-against the entire Marine presence in the _kingdom!_ They're storming the barracks, w-we—!"

 _SMASH!_

The soldier winced fearfully as glass and flames showered down from on high on account of a scarily accurate Molotov. "We can't stop them! A-And even worse…" He glanced out through a gap in the barricade, taking in the prominent number of similarly uniformed people supporting an impromptu battering ram. "A-Almost forty percent of the base's guard force has handed in their resignations and joined with the rebels! We're not going to last much longer, please respond immediately!"

A few seconds of relative silence fell as he awaited a response. Then…

"…Petty Officer Martino?" one of the other soldiers asked in a tone of impending doom.

"Y-Yes?"

"Is that snail… even _transmitting?"_

The Petty Officer looked back at the gastropod to see that it was staring at him with half-lidded eyes, but was saying nothing. And then, then its mouth widened into a grin. A grin vaguely reminiscent of—

"You… You little…" Martino croaked numbly.

The snail responded by mouthing two _very_ specific words.

Before the Marine could respond, the air was split by the sound of snapping wood, and a victorious roar.

"… _shit."_

 **-o-**

"…repeat, Marine code 28117. Attention Marine Headquarters, this is Master Chief Petty Officer Pearlow calling in with a situational report of the aftermath of the…" The Marine swallowed heavily as he tried to keep his nerves under control.

This feat was easier said than done, seeing as he was hiding out on top of a cliff with a snail and watching an entire _city_ burn below him.

"Of the… _events_ that occurred on Enies Lobby just ten minutes ago. Suffice to say that… matters are dire."

The Marine drew in a shuddering breath. "Because of the… _provocative_ nature of the actions of the Straw Hat Pirates, as well as the nature of the… _information_ that was divulged in the course of said actions, major civil unrest has started to occur on a… on a global scale. We have received numerous reports from all four of the Blues, as well as the Grand Line. Of the nations that compose the World Government, we have received notice that…"

The soldier had to take a moment to muster his nerves before forcing himself to continue. "That… roughly 8% of the nations that compose the World Government… have either seceded or have been overthrown… and that another 12% are staving off revolutions and uprisings. Furthermore, we have lost contact with dozens of Marine bases and vessels across the seas, and are receiving countless reports of pirate activity around the world. In summation…"

The soldier was trembling now, and his nerves weren't helped by the sight of the city's base slowly crumbling in on itself, flames leaping from its shattered husk with an almost victorious-sounding roar.

"In summation…"

He swallowed, and then, in a fit of panic, yelled out what he was sure was the only accurate summation of the past six hours' events.

 **-o-**

" _THIS IS, BEYOND A DOUBT, THE DARKEST DAY IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE WORLD GOVERNMENT!"_

Far away upon the summit of the world, five old men stared at a snail, their expressions grim and the atmosphere around them thunderous as the world systematically crumbled beneath them.

 **-o-**

Let me tell you something interesting that I learned after the end of Enies: When the surge of adrenaline is high enough, the high can last you for a _very_ long time.

This was evidenced by the fact that even several minutes after our escape and some hard sailing later, we were _still_ amped from what we'd all just gone through.

"PFFHAHAHAAAA! WOO!" I cackled energetically. "We just handed the World Government their collective asses! And we're the Mates that pulled off our escape, to boot! High-five, you two!" I shot my hand up at my comrades.

Nami and Zoro stared silently at my hand for a moment before exchanging flat looks.

My face promptly fell into an equally flat scowl. "Leave me hanging and I swear that I'll air your dirty laundry across the world, and _don't_ fool yourselves into thinking that I don't have any."

 _SLAP!_

"Yes!" I pumped my fist victoriously as I considered that we'd just pulled off a three-way high five between the three mates of the _Straw Hat Pirates!_

" _Jackass,"_ the two chorused flatly.

"Oh, like you aren't both smiling?!"

I just laughed harder as they looked away with blushes and, yes, smirks.

That done, I started wandering the deck, weaving around my fellow crewmates' various celebrations, catching sight of Robin standing ever so slightly off to the side and allowing an eager grin to slide across my face, a look that Soundbite and Lassoo mirrored with just as much enthusiasm.

"Ohhh, Rooobiiin~?" I crooned in a saccharine tone.

The archaeologist stiffened, and slowly turned to look at me. If her smile wasn't nervous when she did so, it definitely was after she saw the look on my face. "Yes, Cross?" she asked, her tone deceptively stable.

"Remember how I said, oh _so_ long ago, that I would one day get my revenge on you for nearly killing me in Whiskey Peak?" I purred as I stepped towards her, Lassoo slinking away and out of sight behind me. "Aaand for nearly letting Chopper play Mad Doctor on me? _Aaand,_ of course, for helping to _justify_ Vivi's habit of kicking me in my 'Man's Pride'?"

The archaeologist was now _visibly_ sweating as she slowly inched away from me. "Ahh… heheheh… I-I remember you saying _something_ apropos to that train of thought, yes…"

"Weeell, see, I only bring that up…" My grin slowly widened as Lassoo got behind her legs and stopped her retreat, allowing me to shove my mad look in her face. "Because it's _finally_ time to pay the piper."

And so, before she could react, I shot my arm around her neck, grabbed her in a chokehold, slipped my fist beneath her hat and…

"PAYBACK, YOU STONE-COLD BITCH! PFHAHAHA _HAAAAA!"_ I cackled uproariously as I noogied her but _damn_ good.

"Agh, what the— _OWOWOWOW, LET GO, LET GO!"_ Robin _squealed_ as she struggled in my grip.

I only got a few seconds of fun before Sanji trying to take my head off forced me to let go, but by then I'd already had my fun and I was in _stitches._

"PFFHAHAHAHAAAA!"

" _You little—!"_ Sanji fumed.

"Ooowww…" Robin groaned as she rubbed her burning scalp before shooting a glare at me that was more confused than angry. "What on earth was _that_ in aid of, Cross?"

I replied with a malevolent smirk. "Oh, what was it in aid of, you ask? Simple!" I drew my transceiver's mic from my bag and held it close to my mouth, making sure that no one could mistake what I was about to say. "I just wanted to let the world hear as I gave _Nico Robin_ a _noogie!"_ My spirits soared as Robin's cheeks brightened with a blush. "Good luck getting your rep back after _that_ little stunt, witch-bitch!"

"NO, _that's_ _ **NAMI!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

"I'm going to punt your head all the way back to Sengoku, Cross!" Sanji fumed indignantly as he stalked up to me.

"Whoa, hey hey!" I shot my hands up defensively as he came at me. "I have a valid excuse, I'll have you know!"

" _What!?"_ he demanded in a tone that promised death.

"Well, ah…" I hesitated slightly… before glancing to the side with a blush as I scratched my cheek. "It's… it's just that it's a little brother's duty to embarrass his older sister, you know?"

Sanji blinked dumbfoundedly. And before he could gather enough wherewithal to react, Robin shoved past him and… hugged me.

I blinked in stunned silence for a bit… before returning the hug with just as much gusto.

"…Thank you," she whispered, before raising her tearstained gaze to look up at everyone else. "Thank you, all of you, for saving me."

Sanji instantly snapped out of his anger towards me as a heart replaced his eye, while Luffy grinned his typical grin, and shot her a thumbs-up. Most everyone else just smiled, several with wet eyes. Boss, in particular, was wiping a tear away.

"Ah, what a glorious moment…" he sighed rapturously. "I just wish my boys could be here, too,"

 _SPLASH!_

"YOU CALLED?"

All attention snapped to the edge of the boat, where the TDWS was perched on the railing and leaping down onto the deck. Boss was quick to snap over to them and wrap them all up in a shell-breaking hug, gushing over a Man's… _something_ or other; I myself was a bit too busy trying to figure out how the _goat_ they had gotten there to pay attention to the specifics.

"…But… you… and… how the _hell—?"_ I sputtered weakly.

" **Sea turtles, mate,"** Soundbite rasped deeply.

"…Right. Sea turtles," I nodded in agreement.

"Indeed, Sea Turtles are quite the hearty creatures!" Kokoro cackled as she knocked back a bottle she'd pulled from _somewhere._

"How the heck do you think I made it back to Water 7 after I fixed myself, huh?" Franky laughed confidently.

"Personally? I always thought that you were just too stupid to drown, Flunky."

"STICK A LATHE IN IT, ICE-FOR— _hurk!?"_ Franky choked on his own words as he spun on his heels. " _ICE-FOR-BRAINS?!"_

The Mayor of Water 7 smirked from atop his vessel, which had _somehow_ crept up on us as he mock-saluted his old friend. "Miss me, you metal meat-head?"

Franky blinked stupidly for a second before cackling uproariously. "Not on your life, you limp-wristed walking cooler!"

"OK, that's just hypocritical," Mikey pointed out with a bark of laughter.

I chuckled as the back-and-forth went on, watching as everyone on board gathered to—

Wait a second. Everyone? No, that wasn't right, we were missing—?

A slight sound _just_ brushed against my inner ear, drawing my attention. "The heck…?" I muttered before glancing at Soundbite. "Did you—?"

" _Uhh…"_ Soundbite's eyestalks started to swivel around…

'… _ngh…'_

When the sound came again and caught _both_ of our attentions, and with directionality to boot.

I immediately started creeping towards the mast, where the noise was coming from, because… well, who _wouldn't_ look when they heard the sound of whimpering just on the edge of their hearing?

Slowly and with no small amount of trepidation, I peered my head around the edge of the mast… and my heart nearly stopped at what I saw.

Merry's Klabautermann, her transparent body flickering like a bad hologram, was curled up against the mast and shaking with what could be nothing else but absolutely _excruciating_ agony as she clutched at her midsection. When she noticed me standing there and staring at her with tangible horror, she turned a rictus smile up at me and forced out a pained chuckle. "S-So Idiotb-burg is here, huh? T-that's good, 'c-cause…" Her smile widened with tar black humor as she raised a hand from her stomach.

I only just managed to keep from falling to my knees as I saw that it was covered in blood.

"It looks like…" she smiled through her tears. "It's finally time for me… to give up the ghost. Sorry, Cross…"

And just like that, she was gone.

Soundbite hissed in a horrified gasp. " _CROSS—!"_

"HER HEAD!" I roared at the top of my lungs, pumping as much desperation into my voice as I _possibly_ could. "GRAB MERRY'S HEAD, NOW!"

It was a testament to just how much everyone trusted me that _no one_ questioned me, with Luffy, Vivi, Boss and Franky shooting their limbs and weapons at Merry's head and grabbing on for dear life the instant I screamed.

And not a moment too soon either, because almost a _second_ later, a chorus of _SNAPS!_ rang out, and what had to be a dozen of Merry's deck planks splintered and tore. It was only via hasty support from the _rest_ of our crew that Merry's saviors weren't dragged off their feet.

In the end, Merry stayed whole… but the highly audible chorus of groans that were starting to sound out across the ship didn't inspire even a fraction of confidence.

"MERRY!" Usopp wailed frantically.

"Oh, no, ship-girl!" Chimney gasped in horror.

"Oh, no, oh, no!" Gonbe parroted, looking legitimately horrified.

"What-What happened?" Nami demanded incredulously. "Sh-She was doing fine the whole way through Enies—"

"She was _faking_ ," Franky groaned as he tried to maintain his stable stance. "Damn, shoulda seen this coming. It's no big surprise that Iceburg was able to put her into good enough shape to make it to another island. But not even Tom himself could have made her seaworthy for more than half a day with _this much_ damage."

Iceburg shook his head with a heavy sigh. "I warned her, but… she insisted, and I only thought it just to satisfy her final wishes. I'm… sorry, Straw Hats, but it's time for you to say your goodbyes. I've already—"

"WAIT!"

Everyone turned to look at the person who'd shouted.

Turned to look at me.

"Iceburg, _please_ ," I pleaded as I spread my arms desperately. "Y-You've got Galley-La with you, right? Then please, fix her up. Just one more time. Make her look at her absolute best just _one more time_."

Iceburg gave me a sad look. "Cross, I've already done all I can, there's nothing more—"

"LET HER FIGHT, DAMN IT!" I cut him off as I shouted furiously.

"C-Cross…" Usopp said hesitantly.

I huffed as I got some air back in my lungs before continuing. "All this time, we've been saying that we've won our fight, that we've beaten the world…" I said before shaking my head with a scowl. "But that's a lie! We're _not_ done fighting, we still have one last comrade who needs our help! Merry…" My fists clenched at my sides as I stared downwards. "Merry gave her _everything_ to try and help us, to save our _lives!_ And she's still fighting, even now, still fighting to stay _alive…_ " I sucked in a deep gasp before shouting again. "AND I CAN GIVE HER THE CHANCE SHE NEEDS TO WIN!"

 _That_ caught everyone off guard.

"Wait, _what!?"_ Kokoro hacked in shock as she coughed up a mouthful of her drink.

"Are you serious!?" Usopp demanded.

"Really, Cross?!" Luffy grinned happily.

I shook my head firmly. "It's a hell of a long shot, not a guarantee, a gamble at its utmost best… but damn it all, look around!" I cast my arm out at my crewmates. "We've been hitting on all sixes all day, what's one more all-or-nothing throw!? One last shot, one last chance! But!" I glared Iceburg dead in the eyes, tears streaming down my face as I started to rapidly lose control. "For Merry to keep fighting, for her to have that shot… she needs, _needs_ to be in one piece. You're the only one who can do it, Iceburg! Only you can save her life! So… so that's why…"

I collapsed to my knees and rammed my brow into the floorboards, bowing my head as low as it would go.

"I'M BEGGING YOU!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "I'M BEGGING YOU WITH EVERY LAST FIBER OF MY BEING, WITH EVERYTHING THAT I'VE GOT, TO PLEASE, _PLEASE HELP US!_ GIVE MERRY A CHANCE! GIVE MERRY ONE LAST CHANCE TO FIGHT ON! _GIVE HER THE CHANCE TO LIVE!"_

Not a single second later, I heard several other thumps around me, my crewmates to a man, woman, and beast mirroring my actions. I waited…

"Galley-La," Iceburg said firmly. "All hands on deck. We have work to do."

I looked up in time to see Iceburg's gaze turn to our future shipwright. "I…" I snorted a goodly amount of snot back into my nostril. "I-I can count on you to help too, right, Franky?"

Franky grinned wryly. "Not a chance in hell that I wouldn't, Cross. COME ON, CHUMPS!" the cyborg slammed into his trademark pose eagerly. "LET ME SHOW YOU HOW A _REAL_ SHIPWRIGHT GETS BUSINESS DONE!"

And with that, the best and brightest of Water 7 sprang to work.

 **-o-**

It was touch and go for a while there, but five minutes later the rest of the crew and I were standing in a longboat floating a few feet in front of Merry. We had spared enough time on board Iceburg's ship to drop off our weapons, naturally excluding Lassoo and equally naturally excluding Zoro's swords, and Kokoro and her family had stayed there while we got back to a closer level with Merry.

Credit where it was due, Galley-La weren't called the best for shits and giggles. Seriously, repairing a ship that thoroughly in the middle of the freaking ocean? And watching Iceburg work, alongside Franky at that? It was just… damn. Just damn.

But anyways, in no time at all the deed was done and Merry was floating before us in one piece… though the sheer number of planks, over her hull, however immaculately arranged, belied just how desperate the situation was.

"She's in as good a position as we can manage," Iceburg informed us solemnly from his own boat as he wiped the pitch from his hands. "But it won't last; every wave that hits is tearing her apart at the nails. As it is, I'll be surprised if she lasts the hour."

"Merry…" Usopp and Chopper sobbed tearfully as they observed our crippled companion.

"Normally, I'd say something witty about now," Franky grunted as he pulled himself into the boat. "But honestly? Iceburg's being nice. You've got half that, max. Whatever you've got planned, Cross, it better be damn good."

I grit my teeth as I cracked my neck side to side in preparation. "Then I guess it's appropriate that what I'm about to pull is what can only be described as our last resort."

"Cross, are you seriously going to—" Boss cut himself off with a glance at the bag at my side, then started again. "Are you seriously going to _accept?!"_ Boss demanded.

I turned to him with a dry look. "Up until now, I may have thought that it wasn't worth it. But faced with the reality that it's either that or watching her die? Would you consider it worth it?"

The four who knew stared at me, but I shook my head. "But… don't worry, because that's not what I'm talking about. I've got one more trick up my sleeve before I resign myself to…" I shuddered heavily. " _That._ If it doesn't work, then I'll do it, but…" I allowed a slightly hopeful smile to cross my face. "Considering what it is…"

"Did I miss something?" Robin asked.

Boss shook his head with a shrug. "Beats me. He said… _something_ about having a way to save Merry in the tower, but he got attacked by a pigeon before he could say more."

"…It's a fine day in the Grand Line when I can hear a sentence like that and not question how much it makes sense," Franky shook his head.

I was silent for a moment before turning to face everyone. "Riddle me this, everyone: how many members were there in CP9? Ah!" I hastily cut off anyone's incredulous protests with a raised hand. "My nerves are running a mile an hour and talking is the only way I keep calm. _Humor me."_

Nami exhaled heavily, obviously counting down under her breath before ticking off her fingers. "If you're counting Spandam, his sword and the pigeon? Ten all told."

I allowed a content smirk to quirk my lips as I held up a single finger. "Try… _eleven."_

 _That_ drew her up short. "What!? But, wait—!" Nami hastily started counting down on her fingers again.

"If we do indeed count Spandam and Funkfreed amongst the Pol's ranks," I cut her off with a chuckle. "Then before this all started, there were five of them waiting for us on Enies, in the Tower of Justice… and _six_ escorting Robin in the Puffing Tom."

"Uh, hold on, gimme a second," Su muttered as she balanced on her hind legs and started counting down on her forepaw's toes. "Lucci, Hattori, Kaku, Kalifa, Blueno… that's only five!" she looked up in confusion. "Who's number six?"

I smirked as I held up a hand and started raising fingers. "Lucci, Hattori, Kaku, Kalifa, Blueno…" I then held up my other hand and popped my index finger. "And _Nero."_

Everyone on the crew was confused… except for our cook, who only just managed to keep from sucking down his cigarette.

"The _sea-weasel?"_ he coughed in confusion. "But-But he was a weakling! He didn't even know all of the Six Powers! He was nowhere near even Blueno, and that bull was one of the weakest!"

"He was rushed through, yeah," I chuckled in agreement. "But nevertheless, he _was_ a member of Cipher Pol No. 9! And that's important… because of the last assignment that Jabra, Fukuro and Kumadori pulled off a week ago." I spread my arms as I explained. "It was known as Operation Famine, the destruction of an ocean-spanning smuggling ring. The agents proper took out the big fishes controlling the thing, while the normal soldiers confiscated the goods."

"How is any of this relevant, Cross?" Zoro demanded impatiently.

"It's relevant…" I all but giggled hysterically as I dug out the small chest I'd been carrying the whole time from my bag and held it in my palm. "Because to save Merry, we need to beat the world. To beat this situation, we need to reject the laws of physics _._ We need to break reality _itself_. And the only way we can do that…" I flipped open the chest's lid. "Is to make use of just _what_ the ring specialized at dealing in."

And with that, I cracked the lid of the miniature chest open… and everyone gasped and reeled in nothing short of utter shock as I displayed the sole content of the padded interior.

A peach, colored pink, and emblazoned with a twisted and glossy stem and swirl pattern that streamed along it. Even now, my second time looking at it, I couldn't help but try and trace the design with my eyes, but… it was useless. Every time I tried, my eyes just… slid off it, and the patterns seemed to shift and roil before me.

Devil Fruits… what a truly appropriate appellation.

"That's a…" Franky breathed.

"Yup…" I nodded with a somewhat mad grin. "The ring was smuggling them and selling them to the highest bidder, and when CP9 busted them, Spandam kept _three_ of them for his unpowered oversea operatives." I giggled under my breath as I held up a pair of fingers. "Kaku and Kalifa got the Ox-Ox Fruit, Model: Giraffe and the Bubble-Bubble Fruit, respectively, but Nero? Nero never made it, so _this_ was left over, hidden away until Spandam could think of another use for it."

I tapped the chest's lid a bit frantically. "This. This is how we're going to save Merry, right here."

While a few of our number, such as Luffy, Chopper and Mikey, were still stuck in 'awestruck' mode, more than half of our crew couldn't help but exchange uneasy glances.

"…Cross, what exactly are you planning?" Robin finally brought herself to ask.

I responded by glancing over my shoulder at Merry. "The entire reason things have escalated this far is that as a ship, Merry can't heal her wounds. Every little injury she gets is permanent. But what _if_ she could heal them? What if she could live, breathe, and heal like any other biological entity on the seas…" I slowly turned my maddened grin on Lassoo. "All while still technically an object."

Lassoo's jaw led everyone else's in dropping. "You crazy son of a _bitch."_

"No, that would be you!" I giggled hysterically.

"Cross, do you even hear what you're suggesting!?" Vivi demanded. "The odds of this working—!"

"Are at their most _basic_ one-in-three!" I snapped back. "Paramecia, Logia, and _Zoan!_ If it's a Zoan type, then irrelevant of what it is, she can heal, she can _live!"_

"But—!" she started again.

"But nothing!" I cut her off heatedly. "Damn it, don't you get it yet?! This is our last shot! I—!" I cut myself off with a ragged gasp, my emotions slipping past my frustration, forcing me to slow down as I tried to stay under control. "I… I realize that it's a long shot, damn it… that… that the odds are _stupidly_ against us… but…"

Tears fell from my cheeks to the deck of the boat, and it took all I had to keep from utterly breaking down.

"But…" I whispered through my tears. "But… I… I _promised her,_ damn it… I _promised her_ that I would find a way for her to stay with us. That I would save her. And—!" I snapped my watery gaze up at Vivi. "I-I realize that it was a _stupid_ promise, I do, b-but the fact is that I made it! And if I… if I can't keep a promise I made… if I don't fight tooth and nail to keep a promise I made to a friend…" I bowed my head miserably. "Then… then I don't deserve… to call myself a Straw Hat…"

Everyone digested that for a few seconds. Then Luffy spoke up. "How do we feed her, Cross?"

I took a second to get my nerves back under control before opening my mouth to respond… and for once in my time here on the Grand Line… nothing came out. I… was at a loss for words.

But before any of that could really hit me…

"If I… eat that…"

My thoughts were slammed to a dead halt by a voice whispering behind me, prompting me to spin around in shock.

Merry was _right there_ , her midsection bloodied and her form flickering and barely even visible… but she was _there._

"If I… eat that fruit…" She whispered, her voice little more than a breeze. "Then I… can stay with you all?"

"I-I…" I hesitated slightly, the sheer gravity of the moment _finally_ giving me some measure of trepidation. "M-Maybe, but Merry, you have to know, it's beyond risky and—!"

Before I could say anything further, Merry's hand shot out, snatched the fruit and stuffed it in her mouth, bulging her cheeks out as she chewed.

I blinked stupidly as I tried to process _what the fuck had just happened._ "Wha—?"

Soon enough Merry swallowed the mouthful and started speaking frantically. "I-I'm so sorry about that Cross, I know that it was stupid and risky and all that but I just—!" she suddenly cut herself off, what little of her complexion was visible turning a furious ashen color.

"Merry?" I leaned in worriedly. "Merry, what's wrong?! Please, Merry, talk to—!"

"SWEET MOTHER OF ALL LEAKY-KEELED MARINE ROWBOATS, THAT THING TASTED LIKE SEA KING DICKBALLS!" Merry suddenly howled skywards as she stuck her tongue out.

"…eh?" I blinked in shock.

"Crude… but accurate, I would say," Robin shuddered with a grimace.

"Ditto," Luffy, Chopper, Soundbite _and_ Lassoo all concurred.

"…The rumor about Klabautermanns cursing like sailors is true? God bless this day," Iceburg breathed upwards.

Once I finally got my wits about me, I fell back on my one true failsafe. "And… you know what that would taste like _how,_ exactly?" That is to say, snark.

"OH, SCREW—! _HURK!"_

Before any of us could react, Merry suddenly doubled over and staggered backwards, swaying drunkenly on her feet.

"Merry! What's wrong!?" Usopp asked frantically.

"Ah… I, ah…" Merry shook her head blearily. "Guys? I… I don't… I don't feel so…"

And with that she keeled over the side of the longboat… at the same time that her bigger half suddenly _vanished_ , causing all of the seawater around where it had been to rush to fill in the void that was suddenly left gaping in the water. The sudden movement caught us all off guard and even threw a few of us off our feet… but through all the confusion, one thing stuck out to me.

A small patch of darkness in the water… that was growing smaller every moment.

"MERRY!" I roared, sparing just enough time to toss my jacket and partner at Luffy before diving into the water and swimming harder than I'd ever swam before.

It burned my scars like hell, sweet _hell_ did it burn, and my lack of goggles meant that I couldn't see worth shit either… but nevertheless I was able to catch up to the form below me and grab their arm before they sank too deep. I then pulled them to me and reversed course… or _tried_ to at least. Surprise, surprise, 'Hammers' wasn't a two-bit nickname. Rather, it was _exactly_ what they weighed like underwater.

For a second I struggled in vain to carry my load's weight… but before I could start to panic, I suddenly found a hand _right there_ in front of my face.

I grabbed it, it grabbed me… and one rush of seawater later Luffy reeled us both back onto the longboat, the momentum nearly capsizing us wholesale as we slammed back onboard.

I gasped and spat as I tried to clear my senses of seawater, twisting my head around frantically once I could in search of whom I'd grabbed. "M-Merry? Merry, where are you!?"

"Urk… agh… h-here, Cross…"

I blinked in confusion as a voice sounded out just below my head. And when I looked down, it became clear why: she was sitting squarely on my chest.

The figure that I knew was Merry was a girl the size of her Klabautermann, no taller than four feet. Her skin was peach-colored, her hair was a soft mane of white with a couple of curly brown tufts circling above her ears, reminiscent of ram horns, and—I sent a silent message of gratitude to Oda for his grace where Devil Fruits and clothing were concerned—she was wearing an orange raincoat, gray leggings, and had a metal choker latched around her neck and matching anklets around her… well, you know.

"Merry… you're… human?" Usopp breathed in awe.

"But… but _how?"_ Chopper squawked in shock. " _I_ ate the Human-Human Fruit!"

"The same way that Chaka and Lassoo have the same fruits, and that Sengoku is a Buddha-Human…" Vivi whispered. "Same fruit… different Models. Going by her size… I-I think that Merry just ate the Human-Human Fruit, Model: _Child!"_

As that bit of reasoning finished, I took the chance to sit up, and Merry scrambled off of me as I pinned her with a _look._ "Merry, as good as the results here are, can I just point out that you _ate a Devil Fruit_ while you were _standing on the ocean?"_ I rushed my words forward as tears started to appear in her eyes, because I just had to get this point made. "I don't think there's a better epitome of 'reckless' in this world, and that's _me_ speaking! What the _hell_ were you thinking!? Did you even consider for a second the danger you were in?! That you could have—!?"

"I DIDN'T CARE!"

I choked myself off as Merry suddenly screamed at the top of her lungs. Seeing Merry standing there, shaking on her feet and sobbing as tears streamed down her face, it was…

"Merry…" I breathed.

"I DIDN'T CARE!" she continued. "AND I DON'T CARE NOW! I DON'T CARE THAT I COULD HAVE DIED, I DON'T CARE THAT I CAN'T SWIM ANYMORE, I DON'T CARE THAT…" she choked heavily on her words. "T-THAT I CAN'T CARRY YOU GUYS ANYMORE! I-I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT! B-BECAUSE…!"

She threw her head back and screamed. "BECAUSE ALL I CARE ABOUT IS YOU! ALL OF YOU! ALL I CARE ABOUT IS STAYING WITH YOU ALL! I-I DON'T CARE IF I NEVER GET TO SEE THE NEW WORLD, I DON'T CARE IF I NEVER GET TO SEE RAFTEL, BECAUSE EVEN IF I DID…"

Merry flung herself forwards and buried her sobbing in my chest. "IT WOULD MEAN NOTHING!" she wept. "WITHOUT YOU! I-I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA! I-I DON'T WANT TO DIE! A-AND MOST OF ALL, I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT BEHIND! S-SO PLEASE, PLEASE!"

She raised her head and stared at us all with absolute desperation. "LET ME STAY WITH YOU! LET ME COME WITH YOU, EVERY STEP OF THE WAY! LET ME SEE ANOTHER SUNRISE AS A PART OF THIS CREW! _LET ME STAY A STRAW HAT!"_

As Merry's tirade trailed off into sobs, I slowly turned my eyes towards my captain. The look he gave me didn't surprise me in the least. And that didn't make it any less joy-inducing when he nodded firmly.

As such, it was with the utmost delight that I threw my arms around Merry and hugged her tight. "AS IF WE WOULD EVER EVEN CONSIDER SAYING NO!" I yelled happily.

That was all the signal everyone needed to roar with joy and do what was perfectly natural: _celebrate._

"MERRY!" Usopp, Luffy, and Chopper cried joyfully, all practically bowling us both over as they grabbed us in the mother of all bearhugs.

"WE DID IT!" Nami squealed as she grabbed the nearest person she could in a hug. Due to said person being Sanji, he had nothing to say on the matter. Vivi was mirroring the action with Carue… though given how she'd grabbed his neck rather than his chest, he was more frantic than happy.

"YOU GUYS ARE SO TOTALLY NUTS!" Franky sobbed dramatically as he tried and failed to hide his sobbing in a pose.

"WOOOOO! WOOOOO!" Lassoo howled triumphantly towards the sky.

"Can you believe it, Su?!" Conis giggled ecstatically as she spun her pet around. "We did it! She's alive! _She's alive!"_

"That's great, Conis, but I'm getting kinda—!"

"SHE'S ALIVE!"

"AAAAGH!" Su screamed and flailed in terror when Conis suddenly flung her upwards with a euphoric laugh.

"To snatch a dearest comrade who we all thought was doomed from the very jaws of death themselves…" Boss shook his head with a wide grin. "Oh, there's only _one_ definition for this!" He leapt skywards and punched the air. "SAY IT WITH ME, BOYS!"

"IT'S A MAN'S ROMANCE!" all five dugongs chorused as the TDWS followed their mentor.

"And I thought that this day couldn't become any more wonderful," Robin whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks as she stood only just off to the side. "I have never been more grateful for the impossibility of these seas. Of this insane, _beautiful_ crew."

Zoro stood similarly off to the side, and though he didn't say anything, he was making no attempt to hide his smile.

"They did it, they did it!" Gonbe and Chimney sang as they danced around hand-in-paw.

"You think we've finally seen the extent of their madness?" Iceburg asked Kokoro wistfully.

"Personally?" Kokoro cackled as she tapped out the last few drops of her bottle with a smirk. "I think… that they're just getting started."

The mayor's smile widened as he looked back at us. "…good."

And then, as if that all weren't good enough… I felt it.

A single, _single_ point of cold, right on the tip of my nose.

I stared upwards… and sucked in a breath when I realized that it was snowing.

It was snowing… it was _snowing…_

"We won…" I sobbed beneath my breath before raising my voice to roar for all to hear. "YOU HEAR THAT? WE WON! IN THE FINAL COUNT OF THE STRAW HAT PIRATES AGAINST THE WORLD ITSELF, AGAINST _REALITY_ ITSELF! WE! HAVE! _WOOOOOOON!"_

And so ended the epic saga of Enies Lobby, beneath a snowy sky as we the Straw Hat Pirates cried our hearts out.

As we cried rapturous tears of pure, undiluted _joy._


	46. The Awe-Inspiring Kancolle Affair!

**Rule 1183: Under no circumstances are unknown shipgirls flying the skull and crossbones to be brought to base. It is not worth it.**

 **Hornet AN: Rated R for Merry's filthy, filthy mouth. And my God, you guys have no idea how long I've been waiting to release this.**

Admiral Goto sighed, rubbing his temples. It was far too early in the morning for this shit. "Okay, Ooyodo… run this one by me again."

"Yes, Admiral," Ooyodo nodded as she adjusted her glasses. "Earlier this morning, Nagato had another Crossroads nightmare and decided to go out onto the water to clear her head. She found the brig sloop you see tied up at the pier just as it emerged from a fogbank."

Indeed, a medium-sized sailing ship was tied up the pier, and oh, what a bizarre ship it was. The lion's head at the front wasn't too unusual for its size and coloration, but the two cabins protruding from the poop deck, what for all the world looked like the back end of a large jet engine sticking out of the upper stern, a large circular port with a large '1' painted on the side, and the _tangerine trees_ dotting the deck were all quite different from what anyone familiar with the Age of Sail would expect. Most worrying, though, was the stylized skull and crossbones wearing a straw hat that was painted on the main sail and the black flag flying from the mainmast.

All in all, it was quite the intriguing ship, as ingenious as it was ludicrous. Indeed, kudos were to be given to whoever had figured out how to grow tangerines on board. No scurvy for them!

"Nagato boarded and found only a young girl frantically trying to run the ship, with a… surprising degree of success. It would appear that the helm and rigging have been configured so that they can be operated by a single person," Ooyodo continued. "The girl tried to run her off at first, but after Nagato explained that they were near Abyssal territory - and, interestingly - she allowed her to tow the ship back here."

"Hmm, I see…" Admiral Goto nodded in understanding before turning around and marching down from the balcony overlooking the base's waterfront. "And what's become of the girl?"

"Ah, that's… complicated, sir."

Goto tensed in dread. Anything capable of making Ooyodo—who, as his secretary ship, dealt with almost as much shit as he did—uneasy was _guaranteed_ to be bad news. "What?"

"W-Well, you see, sir—" Ooyodo uncomfortably fiddled with her glasses as they arrived at the Admiral's office. "A-As you know, Kongo has been researching methods for you and her to have children once the war is over."

"And?"

"Well…" Ooyodo scratched the back of her head. "You see, there are other ships in the Fleet who share her desires, save that most of them are nowhere near as… shall we say, 'optimistic'?"

"What does any of this have to do with the situation at hand?"

Ooyodo sighed wearily as she laid her hands on the door. "It has everything do with the situation—" The light cruiser pushed the door open, revealing the scene inside. "Because Nagato is one of those ships."

Within Goto's office were a pair of individuals, one familiar and the other not. One was the battleship Nagato who, for her part, looked simply ecstatic as she squeezed, nuzzled, and practically smothered the head of the child she was lovingly (some might say desperately) clutching to her… ample fuel tanks. Meanwhile, said child, a young girl, was a stranger to Goto, and an oddly-dressed one at that: the hood of the orange raincoat she was wearing was pulled down to reveal a shock of white hair with swirls of brown above her ears, a metal choker wrapped around her neck that slightly matched the anklets affixed around her flailing heels, and gray leggings poked out from under the bottom of said coat. Her face was one that would likely have been absolutely adorable, if not for the fact that it was twisted in rage.

Then again, considering what some of the other girls on base wore, this was practically normal.

"—rat-infested cum-hauling termite-ridden low-grade-copper-plated—!"

"Is she a shipgirl?" Goto asked, an eyebrow raised at the steady stream of profanity flowing from the mouth of a girl who looked no older than his destroyers. "She's certainly got the mouth for it. I've heard less imaginative swearing while I was serving my commission."

"We're… not quite sure," Ooyodo replied, her lips pursed. "We _think_ so, mostly due to Nagato squeezing her hard enough to crack ribs on a normal person, but when she forced her to disembark from the ship she was on—not an easy feat, mind you—she sank like a stone the moment she hit the water. But even then, well…" She searched for the words for a moment before shrugging helplessly. "I don't know what to say, Admiral, it's… just a feeling. Kinship, however tangential. I can… we can all tell she's a shipgirl. Whether by instinct or something else."

"Mm, no, I know the feeling," Goto said. After all, with Admirals across the world getting shipgirl powers, this… intuition would logically be one of them. "Nevertheless, if she is a shipgirl, a few questions arise: who is she? Who summoned her? And more importantly, what will we do with her?"

"Oh, Admiral, Admiral!" Nagato suddenly piped up. "Yes, I volunteer, I'll adopt her!"

"You'll _what!?"_ Goto choked incredulously, while Ooyodo slapped her hand to her face with a weary groan.

The foreign shipgirl, for her part, was much more vocal in her disagreement to the idea.

" _EXCUSE ME?!"_ she screeched, a slight accent seeming to slip into her voice.

"You heard me! I'll adopt you!" Nagato squealed eagerly as she spun the girl around. "Oooh, it'll be perfect! I'll be a mommy and Hoppo-chan will be a big sister! Oh! And I can call Colorado and tell her the news! She'll be thrilled to be a daddy! Then we'll all be one big happy family! Won't that be nice?"

Faintly, Goto almost swore he could hear a shout of "WHAT?!" coming from the general direction of Bremerton. Probably his imagination. Though with his luck, not something to count on.

The girl stared at Nagato like she'd grown a second head, her eye twitching furiously for a moment before she bared her teeth and spat—nay, _howled—_ out a reply. "NO, YE GALLEON-HUMPING SEA KING-SUCKING LEAKY-HULLED CRACKED-KEEL SCURVY-RIDDEN _HAG!"_ the shipgirl raged, sounding for all the world like a genuine grog-and-flintlock buccaneer. "I DON'T WANNA BE ADOPTED! I'VE ALREADY GOT MESELF A FAMILY, AND WHEN THEY FIND ME, THEY ARE GOING TO SEND EACH AND EVERYONE OF YE MARINE ROWBOATS STRAIGHT TO DAVY JONES' LOCKER, FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY ' _BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES'! DO I MAKE MESELF—MMMPH!?"_

The girl was cut off by Nagato shoving her head between her massive… guns. "Isn't she simply adorable?" she crooned, rubbing the girl's' hair lovingly (if a bit obsessively). "I'm going to love her and pet her and feed her—!"

" _MMMMPH!"_ The shipgirl's struggles all but quintupled in Nagato's grip, taking on a _very_ vivid hint of desperation. Still, she was no match for the force of the battleship's motherly love. That, and her 91,000-horsepower grip.

"Nagato…" Ooyodo sighed as she observed the sadly familiar madness unfurling before her. "Before this debacle devolves into a very twisted rendition of 'Of Mice and Men', I have but one question for you: do you even know this girl's name?"

"Of course I do!" Nagato indignantly replied. "It's… uh, it's…" She shifted her grip on the girl slightly as she tried to tap her lip in thought. "Give me a second, oka—YARGH!"

Goto raised an eyebrow as the girl took advantage of a slight slip in Nagato's grip to chomp down on her thumb with all the tenacity of a fighting pit bull. The sight of the battleship flailing around, trying to shake the girl off and failing miserably, was quite comical, and it served a dual purpose: first, it proved pretty conclusively that the girl was a shipgirl, because only a shipgirl would have the capacity to bite _that_ hard and hang on for so long, and second, it irrefutably proved that Nagato was nowhere near ready to be anything resembling a parental figure. At least, not if the way she was repeatedly slamming the strange shipgirl's head against the wall in an effort to dislodge her was anything to go by.

Still, however fun this was to watch, they were in his office and he had a base to run.

"Nagato, you are not adopting this girl."

Both Nagato and the unknown froze, the battleship's boot firmly on the smaller girl's torso.

"I'm not?" Nagato whimpered, laying on a dose of puppy-dog eyes.

"Suc' it, bi—ACK!" the young girl started to crow before she was dislodged due to opening her jaw too much, bouncing off the wall as a result. "OW! Son of a—did they _not_ shatter the bottle at your launching or something?"

"No," Goto repeated firmly to Nagato, by now thoroughly immune to all forms of puppy-dog eyes and distracting antics. "And that's final. And now that that's settled, might I ask what your name is, young lady?"

The unknown girl eyed the Admiral and shipgirls for a moment, before standing up straight and shooting a defiant glare at Goto. "Going Merry, Helmsman of the Straw Hat Pirates, 25 million beris," she announced proudly.

Goto blinked in surprise at the all-too-familiar greeting, taking a moment to puzzle out what the rest of it meant. "I'm assuming that was your version of name, rank, and serial number, but that last part… berries?"

"Weeell…" Merry tilted her head to the side as she trailed off. "It's supposed to be 'Name, rank and bounty', seeing how we don't have numbers. Cross said to only say that if the Marines ever questioned us because it'd drive them nuts, but really, we tend to drive you bastards way crazier with what we say than anything else."

Goto glanced at Ooyodo, who had a look on her face that said she was reading as much context, missing or otherwise, from Merry's words as he was.

Finally, Goto crouched down on his knee and looked the girl in the eye, ignoring the defiant way she glared at him. "This Cross sounds like a very smart person. Is he one of the friends who would be coming to get you?"

Merry's facade cracked instantly as she lit up with pride and glee. "Yup! Cross has to be smart, 'cause he's the third mate and Captain's an idiot! He's also the tactician, and the Commie—" All three fleet-members stiffened in alarm. "—but he calls himself a communications officer—" Before relaxing in relief. "—and the public relations officer, and the guy who takes care of all the animals! Oh, oh, and he's also on the World Government's Top Twenty Most Wanted List because he starts wars around the world with his words!"

Goto's eye twitched furiously as he reconciled the words 'Top Twenty Most Wanted' with the idea of 'proximity to and loyalty of shipgirls' before returning to the task at hand. "That sounds… very impressive. Although, seeing how you came here on what I assume was your crew's ship—?"

"That was an accident! That fogbank came out of _nowhere!_ I was just taking Big Bro Sunny out for a run around the island we were docked at!" Merry pouted furiously. "We didn't leave the coastline, and the log pose in his helm still hadn't synced up yet! But the next thing I knew, I was getting attacked by these monster ships and _then_ I was attacked by that _Marine-lubber of a wench_ and—!"

"Yes, well!" Goto hastily cut her off before she could build herself into a lather. "The point is, your crew doesn't have a ship and the phenomenon that brought you here was unique, so how do you think they'll follow you here?"

Merry blinked as she considered what the Admiral said before smiling cheerfully. "They'll prolly' steal themselves a ship the second they realize I'm gone and follow me here. They'll find a way no matter what, come hell, high water or Marine fleet. They're…" Her expression took on a wistful overtone. "They're kind of awesome like that."

Ooyodo was forced to hide a smile as she observed the genuine adoration only a shipgirl could lavish on her crew, while Nagato shrunk in on herself as the display served to convince her that the precious child before her would never show her the same love in a million years.

"I'm glad to hear that," Goto nodded firmly. "Well, in the meantime, why don't you stay here while you wait for them?"

 _That_ served to snap Merry's mood right around, prompting her to snarl viciously at the Admiral. "Me, willingly stay on a _Marine base!?_ You must have barnacles growing on your brain! If you think I'll ever willingly stay with you _rudder-less lapdogs, THEN YE'VE GOT ANOTHER THING—!"_

"Well, that's too bad," Ooyodo cut in hastily. "Mamiya, one of our better cooks, was _just_ putting the finishing touches on a batch of cookies."

Merry trailed off slowly as she narrowed her eyes at the light cruiser. "What kind?"

"Chocolate chocolate chip."

Merry held the expression for a second before brightening up with a sunny grin. "Well, lead the way!"

"Sure thing, could you just wait outside for a moment? The Admiral and I need to…" She glanced at Goto. "Discuss matters?"

Merry frowned for a moment before shrugging in agreement. "Eh, whatever. Cookies!"

The second the small shipgirl was outside, Admiral and light cruiser looked at each other in disbelief.

"I can confirm with certainty that there is no one with the name 'Cross' on _any_ Top Ten Most Wanted list in any country I am aware of, much less that of a 'World Government'," Ooyodo swiftly informed him.

"Is it possible that she could be from some form of… alternate reality? One whose history is different from our own?" Goto posited.

"Things _are_ mad enough around here that I wouldn't discount it as a possibility," Ooyodo sighed wearily. "Your orders, Admiral?"

Goto was silent for a moment as he considered things before shaking his head. "There's nothing we _can_ do. I'll call Briggs and Cunningham to see if they're missing any of their sail girls, but I won't hold my breath. For now, we wait and accommodate her the best we can. With any luck, her crew is as resourceful as she makes them sound, so they'll be able to find their way here. From there, we hand her off, and hopefully wipe our hands of this affair. We already have enough problems in our world, I don't want the Diet getting on my back for getting us embroiled with another."

Ooyodo nodded in understanding. "Glad to hear it." She slowly glanced to the side. "And, uh what about—?"

Goto followed her gaze and promptly stiffened in terror. Nagato was, well, not crying, not yet, but that was the issue: she was right on the _borderline_ of breaking into tears. If she crossed that line, she'd set herself on a course for the galley and wouldn't stop until every carton of ice cream on base was thoroughly emptied.

Goto was about to resign himself to dipping into what was known as the 'Yukikaze Trust Fund' to keep the destroyers from revolting when someone knocked on the door.

"Come in!" he called out, breathing an internal sigh of relief as the white form of the Northern Ocean Princess—better known as Hoppo-chan—popped her head into the office.

Almost instantly, the battleship was snapped out of her funk as she hoisted the Abyssal into the air and bounced her over her head. "Oh, hello, Hoppo-chan!" she cooed eagerly. "What are you doing here? Are you hungry? Awww, poor thing! Come on, let's go and get you something to eat! Who's a good girl? You are, yes, you are!"

Hoppo shot a thumbs up over Nagato's shoulder at Goto as she was carried out of the office, a motion that the Admiral returned in relief.

Merry came back into the office a moment later with a dark look on her face. "I almost became _that?_ I swear, if I _ever_ end up in that kind of a situation, you're all waking up with your heads twisted on the wrong way."

"Duly noted," Goto nodded with a weary sigh. "Now, Ooyodo—"

He started to turn towards his secretary, only to freeze as he felt something start to tug at the back of his pants. Before he could react, there was the sound of shredding cloth, followed closely by the feel of a breeze around his legs. He whirled around to see Merry munching on his trousers, slurping up his pants leg with an innocent grin on her face.

"Nice heart boxers, Admiral," Ooyodo snickered, doing a bad job of hiding her grin behind her hand.

"Just… Just get her to Mamiya's, and then to one of the destroyer divisions."

 **-o-**

"Come in," Goto announced a few hours later as he worked on some paperwork, waiting for a chance to call Briggs in Norfolk and Cunningham in Portsmouth.

The door opened, admitting a rather frazzled Tenryuu.

"Tenryuu," Goto said, sighing. "Let me guess, Merry?"

"This isn't going to work, Admiral," Tenryuu bit out.

Goto frowned. Tenryuu had a reputation for being able to handle _any_ destroyer. She had wrangled the Taffies, and so far only Shimakaze on a sugar high had defeated her. "That bad?"

"She decided to share a few sea shanties with my destroyers," the light cruiser spat.

"I dread the answer, but… shanties?"

Tenryuu's eye twitched viciously as she recalled the scene she'd walked in on.

~o~

" _Alright, everyone, all together now! Ooooh, there once was a Marine from Enies, whose head was shaped like a—!"_

~o~

"Okay, okay, I get it!" Goto cried out, warding off the song with his hands and doing his best to keep the light cruiser from unconsciously pulping the edge his desk with her hands. "Don't worry, I'll move her. Is the corruption permanent?"

Tenryuu took a moment to blow a calming breath out her nose before slowly shaking her head. "No, no, it isn't, thank _God_. Still, I sent 'em to Hosho, just to be sure."

"Alright," Goto said, quickly printing a sheet and filling it out. "Get Merry and this to Sendai. I'm fairly certain that Desdiv 11 can handle her."

"Thanks, Admiral, that's all I ask." With a lazy salute, Tenryuu sauntered out the door, clearly in a much better mood. Smiling, Goto turned back to his work, but not before making a note.

 **1423\. Sail girls are not allowed to teach destroyers sea shanties.**

With any luck, Desdiv 11—or rather, Fubuki—would be _much_ better equipped to handle their visitor.

~o~

"Alright, ladies and rowboats, the name of the game is South Blue Hold 'em!" Merry grinned as she shuffled the deck eagerly. "Aces are high, the joker's wild, and gold doubloons are the preferred currency."

" _And_ the house gets half the pot when all's said and done!" Sendai piped up eagerly.

"I _still_ say that this is a gross breach of protocol…" Murakumo grouched as she shifted her hand around.

"Heh, you sound like Fubuki," Hatsuyuki chuckled softly as she slouched on a cushion.

"Yeah, dumb old Fubuki would _hate_ us having this much fun!" Sendai laughed in agreement.

"Um, that's not very nice…" Shirayuki softly admonished her ostensible superior.

"She _is_ right though," Hatsuyuki chuckled lazily.

SLAM! "AHA!" Fubuki roared as she kicked the closet door open, causing the shipgirls to jump.

"It was all their idea, I had nothing to do with this," Hatsuyuki drawled as she let the cards fall from limp fingers.

" _PRIVATEER!"_ Merry howled in betrayal.

"Now now, Fubuki, let's not all go crazy here…" Sendai said placatingly, motioning for the destroyer to calm down.

"I'm telling Admiral Goto about this!"

"GET HER!" Sendai roared as she jabbed a finger at her nominal subordinate.

"YEAH, GET HER!" Merry concurred as she swung her arm up to mirror the motion… and promptly froze in horror as a flurry of cards flew from her sleeve, cold sweat pouring down her in torrents as she felt the whole of Desdiv 11 glaring at her as one.

Well, Murakumo, Sendai, and Fubuki glared. Hatsuyuki didn't give a shit, and Shirayuki was too nice to glare.

"Ah, _damn it_. And Nami makes this seem so natural, too…" the caravel muttered to herself before grinning sheepishly. "Aheheh… ah… Is it too late to mulligan or—?"

"GET HER!" Sendai howled as she leapt at the small girl, a motion the two motivated destroyers mirrored.

~o~

Goto cocked an eyebrow as he looked at the overturned cardboard box before him. "And where did you get the idea for this, exactly?"

"Cross mentioned that it was a cliché from where he was from. It works surprisingly well!" Merry's voice glibly informed him.

"Uh-huh… And you thought starting a gambling ring was a good idea… why?"

"Always best to have some money on hand! Plus it's fun, of course."

"Of course."

"So, ah, do I just go back to them or…?"

"I'll call ahead to Jintsuu and tell her you'll be staying with Desdiv 16. They're that way."

The silence hung heavy in the air for a moment.

"Ah…?"

"To your left, sorry."

"Right!"

"No no, your other left!"

"Right again!"

Goto groaned as he slapped a hand to his face. The other Admirals couldn't call soon enough.

The second he returned to his desk, he swiftly made yet another note.

 **1424\. No organized gambling rings are to be organized without inviting the Admiral.**

He paused as he felt Ooyodo and Kongo glare at the back of his head through the rest of the base before putting another line below.

 **1424a. Correction: No gambling rings, period, organized or unorganized.**

~o~

"You need to do something about this devil child, _now!"_ Victorious snarled as she slammed a chain-wrapped Merry down on the Admiral's desk.

"Heya, Goat-y!" Merry snickered. "Long time no see! How's tricks?"

Goto stared at her for a moment before eyeing the British fleet assembled before him. "What did she do this time?"

"Absolutely nothing! I have been the _picture_ of innocence!"

"You've been a _horrid_ influence on every destroyer you've come in contact with!" King George V spat.

"Balderdash! Cockamamy! Lies and slander!"

"Now, girls," Goto said, holding his hands up placatingly. "I realize that there have been some issues with Merry, but surely—!"

"She convinced Desflot 24 to set up a bootleg rum distillery in their room!"

Goto froze at that before slowly staring flatly at Merry. "… _Really?"_

Merry pursed her lips for a moment before shrugging innocently. "In my defense, it took a _lot_ of convincing to get them to do it."

"They had it set up within an hour!" Argonaut shrieked.

"As I said, a _lot_ of convincing."

"I last saw you _two_ hours ago," Goto deadpanned.

Merry froze as she considered that before shrugging. "I… have no excuse. Though I _do_ wonder why they were so reluctant."

"That's because they're overcoming fucking _alcoholism,_ just like the rest of us!" Victorious spat. "And you just set them back by _months_!"

"Well I wouldn't have gone to them if Desdiv 16 had agreed to help me!" Merry raged. "But _nooooo,_ they _insisted_ that the damn thing spit out sake! Do I look like a green-haired swordsman to you!? Tsk, I bet they're _still_ making a mint off of my blueprints…"

Goto snapped his fingers, prompting Ooyodo to dash out of the room, before focusing back on Merry. "So far, you have managed to subvert, corrupt, and overall exploit well over a dozen of the shipgirls under my command. Tell me right now why I shouldn't throw you in the brig and be done with you."

Merry's eyes practically doubled in size as she stared tearfully at Goto. "Because I'm an adorable bundle of joy and innocence who can do no wrong."

"Desdiv 6 has that trick down to an artform. Pull the other one, it's got whistles and bells on it," Goto stated flatly.

Merry's expression flipped into a sadistic grin. "Because if my crew finds me behind bars, they will rip your base up by the fucking _foundation_ and kick your rudders six ways from Sunday in the process, and trust me, that's _not_ an exaggeration on my part."

Goto was silent for a moment before looking at Victorious. "Take her to Abukuma and Kinu. I've already written Desdiv 24 off as a lost cause anyways, one more won't hurt."

"Aye-aye, sir," Victorious saluted tiredly before picking up Merry. "Come on, you _menace."_

"That's _White Menace_ to you! And do you think we can swing by Desflot 24's room on the way? I stashed a bottle beneath my bed before you raided us and—MMPH!"

"Thank you," Goto sighed in relief as the troublemaker was finally gagged. He then wearily jotted down yet _another_ note, before remembering that they'd already written this one down.

 **691\. The still in the repair ship's barracks has to go.**

He still didn't know _what_ he had been thinking, sending Junyou to dispose of it. Goto allowed himself a weary grin as he leaned back in his seat. Merry was living up to her apparent _nom de guerre_ , but he had an appointment with Cunningham and Briggs soon, so things would hopefully turn out for the best soon enough.

~o~

He wasn't smiling a half hour later as he talked to the other admirals.

"So, none of your sail girls are missing," he repeated flatly.

" _Nope, sorry,"_ Admiral Cunningham said over the conference video call.

"… Are you sure none of you _want_ a ship girl?"

" _Nice try, Goto, but Victorious already called us. Count yourself lucky I managed to stop Indefatigable and Implacable from leaving Portsmouth,"_ Admiral Cunningham stated neutrally.

"Damn it," Goto spat to himself, before blinking. "Wait, which—"

" _Both of them."_

" _Either way,"_ Briggs cut in. " _I do not envy you if you have to handle a sail girl, especially one who claims to be a pirate."_

Goto frowned. "Why? What does that have to do with anything?"

" _Simple: most sail girls are crazy. Well, crazier than their steel counterparts, at any rate. We think it has something to do with age. Turns out that World War II_ wasn't _the high point of insanity in the history of humanity,"_ Briggs answered. " _Anyways, the frigates are the craziest of them all, and all of them are_ warships _, not pirates. If she_ is _a pirate shipgirl as she claims?"_ The American admiral shuddered dramatically. " _Pray that her crew actually does manage to take her off your hands, and soon."_

" _Oh, one more thing,"_ Cunningham added. " _Fair warning, we've been doing exercises with Trincomalee, and she maneuvers_ very _differently from steam-powered girls. Southampton was having serious trouble targeting her. Chances are, due to how different their thought processes are, your more modern shipgirls will have a hard time getting a bead on her."_

Goto sighed. Well, that wasn't as bad as he'd feared.

It was worse.

"Well, thank you for your time, gentlemen," he replied. "Now, we're all busy men, so I won't hold you here any longer. Goodbye."

As the teleconference ended, Goto leaned back in his chair, and resolved not to think about the small sail girl until he had to.

~o~

Merry carefully modulated her breathing as she stared up into the ceiling of the room she'd been moved to, wide awake. The caravel felt a slight twinge of regret at what she was about to do; the girls of Desdiv 6 had been _so_ fun to try and corrupt, especially Inazuma, who was very clearly slamming face-first into puberty; Desdiv 11's members were alright when they weren't narking on her; and Desflot 24 were _really_ fun drunks. As for Desdiv 24, they were just crazy, but in a fun way. Hell, even her minders had been nice. Tenryuu reminded her of Nami, Sendai was hilarious, and Abukuma was just _so adorable!_ trying to be authoritative.

Still, this wasn't her world, and she needed to get back to the Sunny, back out to sea, back to her crew. And she had a plan for that too: sneak out, get to the Sunny, and take down everyone in her way.

Okay, not a great plan, but it was more than what her Captain had done on many occasions! Heck, it was better than half of Cross's plans, too.

Sitting up, she listened for any change. Nothing. She slid out of bed, still clad in her clothes, and froze as she heard a rustle of cloth.

"Pink elephants… on parade…" Kagero mumbled as she rolled over in bed.

Merry heaved a silent sigh of relief and slipped her coat's hood up. Standing in front of the door, she schooled her expression, opened the door—and nearly blurted out a blue streak when she saw Kinu, Abukuma's sister, standing in front of her.

"Oh, hey, Merry," the light cruiser said, mildly surprised and slightly groggy from waking up. "Do you need to go to the bathroom?"

"Y-Yeah." Merry hastily slid into character, putting as much youthful wobble into her voice and eyes as she danced from foot to foot. "A-And I don't know where it is. Can you help me? I don't wanna go wee-wee in my panties…"

"Aww, there, there…" Kinu said sweetly as she tousled the caravel's hair. "Alright! Follow me, then."

Kinu turned around, and thus did not notice a bloodthirsty grin spread across Merry's face.

"Come on, it's just this—!"

KLONG!

"OW!" Kinu yelped, wheeling around and clutching the back of her skull in pain. "What was that for!?"

Merry blinked in confusion as she hefted the frying pan she was holding. "But Cross said that always—oh, no, wait, I see what I did wrong! Hold still a second!"

"What are you—!?" Merry interrupted Kinu by jumping up and _slamming_ the frying pan into her face, putting her out like a light.

Merry nodded satisfaction as she spun the frying pan in her grip. "Right! Front of the head for K.O., back for trauma. Alright, now what's next… Oh, right! Stash the body!"

Merry grabbed Kinu under her armpits, eased the door to Desdiv 24's room open, and left her slumped on the floor. Hopefully no one would notice her for a while.

She'd barely gone two steps when she heard Kasumi shriek in terror from the room.

"Okay, on to Cross's Plan B," she muttered as she broke into a sprint. "Run like hell!"

~o~

" _Alright, Admiral, we've got her now! Just give me a few minutes alone with her and—WARGH!"_

"Murakumo!" Goto shouted into the radio as an explosion rocked the base. "What happened?"

" _She's_ throwing _torpedoes at us!"_

"She doesn't have rigging! How—!"

" _No, I mean she found the armory and is_ literally _picking up torpedoes and throwing them at us! And they keep freaking_ exploding!"

Goto winced and once again cursed the bright spark who had come up with oxygen propulsion for the Long Lance. "Are you okay?"

" _Eurgh, yeah, but she blasted the corridor to hell and back. We're gonna need to go the long way around, and she's gonna get away. Again."_

"Fall back, Murakumo, Shigure," Goto ordered. "Nagato and Kongo are guarding her ship. She's not going anywhere."

~o~

Merry grit her teeth as she looked out on the shipgirls crowding the pier in front of her. A half dozen destroyers, a heavy cruiser with her seaplanes out, and battleships Nagato and Kongo.

Not that Merry knew that. All she knew was that there were six little ones, two big ones, a new medium type, and that all of them could reduce her to splinters in short order. Worse, she couldn't think of a way to get past them.

A finger tapped on her shoulder, and Merry whirled around, rearing her fist back to try and punch out whoever had snuck up on her. It worked on the little ones, at least.

As it turned out, though, it was just Hoppo-chan.

"What are you doing here?" she whispered furiously before stiffening in terror. "Don't tell me that gaol-galleon is here! Because I swear, I love my crew, but I will _scuttle_ myself before I surrender to her!"

Hoppo answered by frantically shaking her head before pointing upwards. Merry followed the finger to see a metal grating, leading into some kind of vent or duct.

"Oh, I see," Merry said, grinning. "A Cross classic. Don't know why I didn't think of it in the first place! Thanks, I owe you one."

The white girl gave a thumbs-up, and began walking in the opposite direction, leaving Merry to jump up, rip open the grate, and crawl into the vent.

~o~

"No sign of her!" Murakumo and Shigure reported as they ran up to the pier.

"My seaplanes aren't finding anything, either," Chikuma reported, before wincing miserably. "Correction: they just found _another_ Molotov cocktail trap. Goddamn it, how many of those bottles did she _stash!?"_

"Well, if she's trying to wear us down, she won't succeed!" Nagato announced. "I want CONSTANT VIGILANCE! AND MY CUDDLES!"

"You have ISSUES, Nagato. You have _very_ bad ISSUES…" Kongo muttered absentmindedly.

Nagato blinked, noticing that Kongo was staring at a section of the wall instead of her. "Kongo, what are you—"

"Shigure, Murakumo!" the fast battleship suddenly barked. "Go check the vents!"

Nagato paled as she realized that one of the vents opened up _behind_ their task force, barely a few feet from the ship. She paled further when she noticed that said vent had been kicked open.

"Then that means—!"

"Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!"

The shipgirls on the pier spun towards the Thousand Sunny, seeing Merry poke her head out from behind the lion's head.

"Sucks to be you lot!" she laughed. "I'm on my big brother now, and there's not a fucking thing you salt huffers can do about it!"

"Merry, please!" Nagato pleaded. "We have…" She glanced around the task force. "Enough firepower to level a small city! Don't make us use it!"

Merry grinned viciously as she reached for a _very_ comforting lever. "Oh, that's _really_ impressive. I'm _so_ scared. Here's my response!" She ducked back behind Sunny's head as she yanked the lever. An ominous clunk echoed out, followed by the lion's head opening and revealing a metallic barrel.

Nagato blinked in confusion. "What the heck—"

"Everybody move!" Kongo barked, diving downward.

" **Gaon Cannon, bitches!"** Merry cackled.

There was an almighty roar as a veritable hurricane of compressed air blasted out from the lion's head. The shipgirls on the pier were simply not heavy enough, regardless of how strong they were, to withstand the blast, and were sent flying. And the buildings fared even worse. As the Gaon Cannon finished roaring, Yokosuka's waterfront was in ruins.

"Later, suckers!" Merry cackled, throwing the rudder hard right and flipping a myriad of levers and toggles as she activated Chicken Voyage, wheeling Sunny around and dropping his sails. Soon she was out of the harbor and heading out into Tokyo Bay.

Of course, as this was Tokyo Bay, waiting for her at the mouth was a _very_ unwelcome sight.

"Please turn back, Miss Merry!" Yamato called, her rigging fully deployed. "We don't want to hurt you!"

"Speak for yourself," came a voice from the starboard side of the ship. Merry's head whirled to that side to see a swimsuit-clad girl poking her head out of the water and aiming a rather large gun at the Sunny.

"That's mean, Imuya!" Goya spoke up from the other side.

Merry looked between the two submarines flanking her and the battleship before her, then put on a brave face and looked back at Yamato, her hand inching towards the Coup de Burst lever all the while. "Oh, yeah? I faced down a fleet of warships ten times your size to save my crew, and I came out of that without a scratch! Give me _one_ reason why this should be any different!"

Yamato sighed, and then there was an almighty bang. Merry's eyes widened as a massive cloud of smoke and fire enveloped the battleship, and she just barely saw the massive shell fly just past the bow before hitting the sea and throwing up a column of water taller than the Sunny's masts.

The caravel trembled furiously for a second as she thought _very_ carefully before ultimately sighing in defeat and letting go of Sunny's controls, wincing as the ship groaned miserably.

"That's a good reason…" she whimpered.

~o~

"I gotta say," Tenryuu drawled as she steamed alongside the Thousand Sunny, which was being towed by Yamato. "I honestly don't know whether to cheer you on for being a complete badass, or give you spanking for being a bad girl."

A muffled mumble about Tenryuu blowing something out of her magazine was Merry's only response, and Tenryuu sighed and pulled a little closer.

"Look, kid," she began. "You've just pulled off a massive accomplishment. How many shipgirls can say they fought their way, single-handedly, out of an entire naval base? Be proud of that, at least." She tapped her chin in thought. "Come to think of it, why didn't you just sail out yourself? I heard that you sank after Nagato dropped you in the water, so why's that? Why'd you have to ride your…" She glanced at Sunny's figurehead. "'Big bro'?"

Silence.

"Well, either way, we're here," Tenryuu sighed as the Thousand Sunny nosed back up to the pier, a scorched and battered Kongo and Nagato waiting and looking quite peeved. As the pier workers began wrestling with the ropes, Merry hopped down from the deck and stomped past Tenryuu, snarling and growling viciously under her breath.

"Alright, then," the light cruiser said, slapping the other girl's back. "I can see you don't wanna talk about… this…" Frowning, Tenryuu suddenly knelt down and pulled up Merry's coat and the shirt underneath.

"Hey, watch it! I thought that Nagato bitch was the pedophile, not you! Help, bad touch! Bad touch!" the shipgirl snapped in the first real display of emotion since Tenryuu had arrived, drawing Nagato and Kongo's attention in the process. "What in the name of Davy Jones do you think you're—!"

"What happened here?" Tenryuu hissed, her voice dripping with barely restrained fury. Behind her, she could hear Yamato gasp and Kongo suck in a breath.

Merry instantly froze as she felt the cruiser's fingers run across her back, tracing over the livid scar that ran just below her shoulder blades. The expanse of mutilated flesh was jagged, deep, and stretched clear across her entire back.

Scars were not common for shipgirls. Arizona and Warspite were the only ones Tenryuu could recall off the top of her head that had any, and the wounds that left them had not only been fatal and crippling, respectively, but beyond traumatic to boot. This… This was nearly on par.

"O-Oh, that?" Merry hedged nervously. "I-It's, ah, just an old wound, nothing to worry abou—"

"Bullshit," Tenryuu spat, her vision flashing red as she scanned the bands of metal around the girl's neck and ankles. "What- What happened to you? An accident, enemy action!? Or…" She narrowed her eyes viciously as a thought struck her. "Your _cr—?"_

" _HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!"_

The warships leapt in shock when Merry spun around and _roared_ at them, exhibiting more raw fury then most of them had seen in their whole existences.

By which we mean, since the last time someone had interrupted Kongo's tea hour.

" _WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET OFF SAYING ANYTHING,_ ANYTHING _ABOUT MY CREW!? ABOUT MY_ FAMILY!?" Merry demanded, glaring viciously at Tenryuu. " _YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY JACK_ SHIT _ABOUT THEM! YOU WANT SOMEONE TO BLAME FOR THAT SCAR!? THEN YOU CAN FUCKING BLAME_ ME!"

"W-What!?" Nagato sputtered in shock. "No, no, Merry! That's not—!"

"YES, IT IS!" Merry shrieked. "I KNEW IT WAS COMING, I COULD FEEL IT COMING IN MY PLANKS AND I LIED TO MY CREW WHEN THEY ASKED IF I WAS OKAY!"

Kongou blinked in confusion. "Huh? Wait, lied? What are you—?"

"I used a _Klabautermann_ to try and fix myself!" the caravel hissed.

The warships gasped in shock. "A-A Klabautermann!?" Tenryuu choked. "Merry, that's an _incredibly_ risky—!"

"My keel _fucking_ _cracked_ that day, I was _so_ far beyond risk!" Merry plowed onwards. "It cracked, and Cross tried to help me, and I lied to his _face_ when he asked me if I was alright! I _lied_ to him after he _helped me!_ I was ready to give up and _sink_ for their sakes, but he convinced me to keep fighting, to _live!_ If it weren't for him, I would have let myself sink _then and there!"_

Tenryuu swallowed heavily as she tried to steady her nerve. "Ah—M-Merry, I—!"

"I had no right to live!" Merry shouted, advancing on Tenryuu in a haze of fury. "I had every reason to sink myself, I _should_ have sunk for their sakes, but he told me otherwise! He told me it wasn't wrong to dream of staying with them, he told me it was alright for me to _live!_ Thanks to him, thanks to all of their support, I carried them for _two. Months!_ And even after they found out I wasn't fixable, after it was apparent that I was little more than a floating pile of kindling, _they_ _still fought to keep me with them!"_

Tenryuu hastily backpedalled as a blazing red aura grew up behind Merry, the caravel still advancing. "SO DON'T YA FUCKIN' _DARE_ IMPLY THAT ME CREW DID THIS TA ME! THOSE BRAVE BASTARDS, THOSE _GODSENDS, THEY FOUGHT TOOTH AND NAIL TO KEEP ME! THEY BROKE_ REALITY ITSELF _TO MAKE ME WHO I AM! SO WHEN YOU SPEAK ILL O' THAT SCAR, YOU SPEAK ILL A' ME, BECAUSE IT'S A MARK OF ME OWN STUBBORN PRIDE, AND IT IS A BADGE OF MY_ FUCKING _HONOR AS NOT ONLY A PIRATE BUT A STRAW HAT PIRATE TO BOOT!_ _ **DO I MAKE MESELF—!?"**_

" _A—damn it—Attention, Marine base!"_

All five shipgirls jumped as they were suddenly interrupted. Whirling around, four of the five blinked in confusion as they were confronted with the bizarre sight of what appeared to be a three-masted broadside sloop-of-war. The hull was painted a deep blue-grey and what looked like a seagull was painted on the sails alongside the word MARINE. And more importantly, the ship looked like it was in incredibly rough condition, barely qualifying as seaworthy.

" _Ah-hem,"_ the voice from before boomed through the air _. "I repeat, attention Marine Base! This is, ah… Commodore Gendarme of the Marines? We have received reports that 'White Menace' Going Merry and the Strawhats' ship were in port, so thanks for holding them for us, but we'll take them from here."_

Faster than Shimakaze on a sugar high, Merry's expression shifted from pissed off to confused to jubilant and then back to angry, if a slightly over-exaggerated version of the emotion. "You'll never take me alive, you kelp slurping turtle fucking sons of sea wenches!"

"What in the hell…?" Nagato breathed. "Who are—?"

" _They're never gonna buy this…"_ a female voice grumbled.

" _Shut up! I'm still transmitting!"_

" _Oops…"_

" _ **HAHAHAHA!"**_

Merry's eye twitched as she tried to maintain a neutral expression, snapping a glare at Kongo as the latter stepped forward. "I don't know who you are!" she called up. "But you shouldn't have picked the US Marines of all people to impersonate." She smirked. "Because really, I don't know what that thing is, but it doesn't look like an amphibious assault ship to me."

" _Ah, w-w-well you see!"_ a panicked nasally voice hastily piped up. " _T-That's because this is a super secret model of ship known as the—!"_

" _Give it up, Usopp, our cover's already blown. Hell if I know how, but these aren't_ our _Marines we're dealing with. There's only one thing for it now. ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, PLAN B!"_

"WOOHOO, I LOVE PLAN B!"

Kongo frowned in confusion as a trio of blurs shot off the ship. "What the—!?"

"Gum-Gum Rifle!"

"Strong Right!"

"Cherry Blossom Blast!"

Kongo stood tall for a second before slowly tilting backwards, impact and blast marks decorating her front. Her assailants lowered themselves down from their attack stances, and were then joined by several more, hopping down from the ship.

There was a large man in a Hawaiian shirt, speedo, and sunglasses, looking like nothing more than an unholy fusion of Popeye and Ace Ventura.

There was a dark-haired woman in designer clothes, utterly normal and yet quietly terrifying.

There was a man-deer with a blue nose, red hat, and bulked-up arms.

There was a teenager in a button-down shirt and shorts, with blue hair in a tight ponytail riding on a large, saddled duck. One hand spun a chain with a crescent-shaped blade on the end of it while the other held an identical blade and chain.

There was an older woman, her hair done up in a bun with small _wings_ sticking out of her back. A large bazooka was held in her right hand, and another slung across her back. A white fox was perched on her shoulder as well.

There was a curly-haired young man, wearing overalls, a bandana, and goggles, and he had the most ridiculously long nose. He also held a _massive_ slingshot-staff combo in his hands.

There was an orange-haired young woman in a tank top and miniskirt, brandishing a staff with spherical attachments along its length. She was surrounded by what appeared to be a white cloud streaming from the butt of her staff that was waving and twisting around her as though it had a mind of its own.

There was what appeared to be a relatively normal young man in a hooded jacket and jeans, the hood drawn up over a ball cap and headphones around his neck, except in his right hand was a large sword, in his left an equally large bazooka, and perched on his shoulder was a snail with a freaking _phone_ built into its shell.

There was a blonde man in a black suit, a cigarette dangling carelessly from his mouth.

There was a green-haired man in t-shirt, pants and hakama, two katanas hanging from his side.

Surrounding them was a quintet of what for all the world looked like small shelled dugongs, one with a pair of nunchucks, one with a pair of katana, one with a pair of sai, one with a bo staff, and one with a rope-dart.

And at the lead of them all was a black-haired young man in a straw hat, red vest, and jean shorts, who practically _radiated_ power and charisma.

Of course, this was Tenryuu, Nagato, and Yamato. They weren't going to just back down. Nagato pointed her 16" guns at the interlopers—

" _VENGEANCE!"_

Only for Merry to leap at her and latch onto her face like a facehugger, tearing at her face with all the viciousness of a rabid wolverine.

Which left Tenryuu and Yamato to face the entire Straw Hat Pirates.

"SOUND THE ALARM, INTRUDERS IN THE BASE!"

"GET THEM!"

"CHARGE!"

Well, them and the combined forces of Desdivs 29 and 30, for what they were worth.

The Straw Hats observed the approaching mob for a moment before the one with the snail looked at the orange-haired one. "You want to, or should I?"

The orange-haired woman tilted her head to the side in thought, the cloud following the motion before she shrugged and started twirling her staff, apparently causing the cloud to darken and crackle menacingly. "Just keep them in place for a second, alright?"

The snail-carrier nodded in understanding before hauling back the arm holding his sword. "You heard her, Funkfreed. Go…" He then snapped his arm forwards and _flung_ the sword at the oncoming mob of destroyers. "GET THEM!"

To the shock of all observing, the sword morphed in midair, shifting into an _elephant_ of all things that stampeded towards the destroyers, breaking their loose formation with a swing of its tusks and trunk.

Before the destroyers could successfully rally, the orange-haired woman swung her staff out, snapping the dark cloud out into a scorpion-tail esque form that was crackling with lightning. "Sorry about this, but we're not leaving without Merry! Now, _LIGHTNING STRIKE TEMPO!"_ And with that, the cloud snapped forwards, lashing out a vicious chain of lightning that washed over the mob of destroyers _just_ as the elephant snapped back into its sword form.

The orange-haired woman sniffed confidently. "And that's that! Boss, Usopp, you keep an eye out for any others!"

"Aye aye, ma'am!"

"I still say we grab Merry and run like heck. Then again, who am I to argue with someone who periodically fries people with lightning?"

" _What was that!?"_

"N-Nothing, Nami!"

"Move your ass, longnose, move!"

"Oh, no, you don't!" Yamato snarled as she swung a 6.1" turret around at the sniper and dugong. She mentally pulled the trigger—

BA- _BLAM!_

And jerked in shock as half her rigging practically _imploded_ on account of— _a plugged barrel!?_

"Call me an old softie," the large blue-haired gorilla man grinned as he held her turret barrel in place with his massive hand. "But I'd _really_ rather you didn't blow my friends to pieces. It's _SUPER_ rude, don't you know?"

"Which is why I'm _really_ sorry about this!"

Yamato swung her head around at the voice, and promptly paled in horror at the sight of the _massive_ cannon-barrel being stuck in her face by the angel-winged woman. "Again, _really_ sorry," she sighed apologetically, a sentiment opposed by her pulling the trigger and unleashing a wave of _pain_ straight in her face. The battleship staggered back, but to the surprise of both quickly righted herself with only some minor burns and unleashed a tide of 25mm shells at them.

"YEOW!" the large man yelped as he shielded the cannon-wielder with his body. "What the hell is this chick made of!?"

"Hopefully this! Excuse me!"

Yamato swung her turrets around as a large finger tapped her on the shoulder—

CRUNCH!

And stiffened in shock as another gorilla-man, this one actually covered in fur and sporting a _blue nose_ of all things, shoved a liquid-filled vial down her throat.

The battleship stood still for a moment as the liquid unwillingly trickled down her throat, slowly integrating itself with her body's chemistry. Finally, however…

" _HURK!"_ Yamato doubled over miserably as a wave of nausea coursed through her. Acting fast, the shipgirl dashed to the side of the pier and unloaded her stomach's contents into the harbor, heaving as heavily as she could until there was nothing left.

"Oh, you— _ugh!—_ sons of bitches…" she groaned, equal parts rage and sickness coloring her voice. "I swear to _God,_ I am going to—!"

She cut herself off as she felt something heavy and slightly slimy plop down on top of her head. Turning her eyes upwards, she blinked in confusion as she took in the grinning _something_ perched on her skull. "The hell—?"

"Soundbite? Gastro-Blast."

"RA-RA- _SHISHBOOM-_ **BAH!"**

Yamato had a second to wonder how the hell the snail was talking before her world became pure _agony._ Everything rang and shook for the battleship, her eyes crossing and her body shaking before she gave up the fight and fell unconscious.

The snail-wielder smirked confidently as he plopped the afore-named Soundbite down on his shoulder. "Well, that was ea…sy?" He trailed off as he noted Imuya and Goya staring at him in horror from the water.

The pirate was silent for a moment before he and his snail slowly donned vicious grins. " _Heeeeeey,"_ the two chorused menacingly.

The submarines instantly dove under the water with dual shrieks of terror. They remembered what had happened to Kitakami and Iku, after all.

"Ohoh, you can run, but you sure as hell can't hide!" the pirate crowed as he swung up the cannon he was bearing. "OK, Lassoo, Cani-Cannon!" The second the pirate spoke, the cannon started blasting out a barrage of baseballs, littering the water with them.

Ten seconds later, Yokosuka Harbor _erupted_ into a pillar of liquid. Amidst the resultant rain, the two submarines slammed into the pier, flopping and flailing around in a blind panic for a second before finally falling still, foam bubbling out of their mouths.

" **NOW** _ **that**_ WAS EASY!" Soundbite cackled.

Finally, all that were left were Tenryuu and the swordsman squaring off against one another. The light cruiser and the pirate stared at each other, probing each other's defenses as they gripped their sheathed swords. Finally…

"Oni—!" the swordsman started, dashing forwards and curving his arms back as he unsheathed his blades, signalling Tenryuu what was coming. She dashed forward, her sword held out in a thrust straight for the swordsman's forehead, which halted the attack as he hit the brakes to avoid getting skewered. The two broke off into ready stances, reading each other with professional ease.

"Hey," the swordsman grunted. "What's your name?"

"Tenryuu," the light cruiser bit out.

"I'll remember it," the swordsman replied. "My name is Roronoa Zoro." And with that, he sheathed his swords and leaned forward.

"Two-Sword Style!"

Tenryuu tensed, preparing to meet the attack.

"Castle Gate!" Zoro cried out, dashing forward. Tenryuu's eyes widened and she brought up her sword to block. To her dismay, the attack cut _through_ her sword like it was made of butter instead of armor-grade steel, in two places at once, at that. Naturally, the swords continued and carved into her chest, carving two gaping wounds into her body. She fell forward onto her knees, blood—or perhaps oil—streaming from the massive gashes. She felt, rather than saw, Zoro step up behind her, and she hauled herself to her feet, gritting her teeth and presenting her front.

Zoro blinked, then grinned. "A worthy opponent, indeed." And with that, he drove his sword into her gut. That was the final straw, and Tenryuu collapsed, catching sight of Nagato keeling over under Merry's facehugger impression before dogpiled by the rest of the crew.

' _Heh,'_ she thought. ' _At least I'm not the only one. And at least… she's in good hands.'_

~o~

"Guys, you came! I've never been so happy to see you!" Merry sobbed comically, throwing herself into Cross's open arms.

"Good to see you again, Merry!" he replied as he caught her and threw her up into the air. "We're so glad you're safe, we were so worried! Did you behave while we were gone?"

"Uh-huh, uh-huh!" Merry nodded eagerly. "I raised hell, tried to escape at every opportunity, and when I was given the chance, I went straight for the eyes!"

Cross gasped in awe as he caught her and held her above his head. "That's _very_ good, Merry! I-I'm so proud!"

"Yes, yes, so am I!" Vivi wheezed as she fought against Nagato's inhuman strength, yanking her Lion Cutter taut against the battleship's throat, to no effect. "Now, will one of you guys _help me already!?_ She won't give up!"

"Me…rry…" Nagato wheezed out as she reached towards the caravel.

"What da hell is dis woman's malfunction!?" Carue squawked as he tried and failed to use his mass to pin the shipgirl down.

Merry rolled her eyes with an exasperated huff before twisting her way out of Cross's grip. "Alright, alright, I can handle her. Give her a clear view of me."

Once Merry was certain the battleship was looking straight at her, she widened her eyes to their fullest extent and made them as watery as possible before sticking out her lip and quivering it, hence placing her expression at maximum cuteness. "I _wuv_ you, Mama Nagatoh!"

Nagato stared at Merry in awe for one second… two… three…

SPLURT!

"GAH!"

"Oh, holy shit."

Before keeling over on account of _massive_ jets of blood spurting out of her nose, a euphoric grin painted on her face.

"I… have no words," Cross stated succinctly.

"Should we still let her _live?"_ Nami asked uncomfortably.

"Nah, she's harmless," Merry said dismissively, waving her off without care. "I think that was more the cuteness factor than anything nefarious. Think of her like a female Sanji."

"Ooooohhhh…" the Straw Hats chorused in understanding, before Sanji did a double-take.

"Hey, I'm not _that_ bad!" the cook protested.

"Not yet, you aren't," Cross shot back with a grim chuckle.

Grinning, Merry turned around and looked over Kongo, with her cratered front; Yamato, scorched and bleeding from her ears; Nagato, twitching in a pool of her own blood, an expression of bliss on her face; and Tenryuu, bleeding out on the ground. Not to mention the pile of fried destroyer and the insensate forms of Goya and Imuya.

"Geez, you guys could have gone a little easier on them…" she grumbled. "They were nice to me… for the most part, as much as Marines _can_ be nice. Except for Nagato, she was cray-cray, and not in a fun way, either."

"Sorry about that, Merry," Cross said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "We didn't know the situation, so we decided not to hold back."

" **And you're WORKING OUT** _frustrations, too,"_ Soundbite added with a snicker.

"We were chased down by a killer _pigeon!_ My bounty is well and good, but I still want _some_ pride, damn it!" Cross raged furiously.

"It's fine, they're tough. And they've got all sorts of cool healing techniques for people like me," Merry said as she clambered onto Franky's shoulders. "Did you know they heal by sitting in hot baths? No offense, Franky, but a _lot_ of old aches left me after one go!"

"That's super, sis!" Franky whooped as he shot her a thumbs-up.

"Oh, really?" Chopper asked, eyeing her curiously. " _You'll have to tell me all about it. Medical texts don't exactly cover cases like yours,_ _ **but with this knowledge I could create an entire new branch of medicine! Think of the possibilities! THE THRILL OF THE SEARCH! LET US BEGIN THE—!"**_

CLONK!

"Thank you, Conis. Also, _ow!"_

"Sorry, Chopper!"

Merry giggled as her crew fell back into old habits. However, an oppressive, droning buzz caught her attention, and she glanced around, looking for the source.

"Soundbite?" she began, injecting a note of authority into her voice. "Did you leave the Gastro-Phony on again?"

" **This isn't** _ **me!**_ " the snail protested.

"Uh, guys?" Usopp cut in, shaking and staring towards the distant western horizon. "What the hell is that?!"

The crew turned their gazes to where Usopp was pointing. A massive, amorphous black cloud was advancing towards them at alarming speed.

"… Okay, got me, I never saw anything like _this_ while I was here," Merry said, a hint of worry in her voice.

Cross held his hand out to Nami, who handed him her spyglass. He snapped it open and took one look at the horizon before slowly lowering the device with a pained grimace. "Hey, guys? I think I know where we are."

"Oh, yeah? Where?" Luffy asked eagerly.

Cross allowed a horrified shudder to course through him. "Home. _My_ home. Now, unless I'm misreading those roundels and those _aren't_ Japanese fighter planes soaring towards us, I'd suggest we get the hell out of Dodge before we recreate a little historical event known as _PEARL FREAKING HARBOR!"_

" **KAMIKAZE AT 12 O' CLOCK!"** Soundbite shrieked as he snapped back into his shell.

Nami and Zoro glanced at each other before the second mate came to a decision. "Right, I don't know what the significance of Pearl Harbor is, but I'm gonna take your panicked reaction at face value and say that it's bad." She glanced around at the stunned forms of the crew. " _That means get on the ship and get ready to leave, you morons!"_

"Yes, ma'am!" most of the crew barked, except for Luffy and Sanji.

"Aw, come on, Nami, Cross!" Luffy whined. "I wanna fight them! I've never fought flying enemies before! And those CP bastards don't count, so don't even say it!"

"And I can't leave before I found out if there are any more ladies here!" Sanji added. "If they're half as pretty as the ones you guys _mauled beyond recognition_ , then—!"

"Right, screw this," Cross spat as he snapped his headphones on and jabbed a finger at Luffy. "Soundbite, Gastro-Phony."

"Lightning Strike Tempo!" Nami snarled as she lashed out with her Clima-Tact.

Both Sanji and Luffy promptly collapsed, Luffy green from trying to hold in his half-digested third lunch and Sanji twitching and spasming as smoke curled off him. With Zoro carrying them, the Straw Hats got the Thousand Sunny under way in record time.

As they made their way out of Tokyo Bay and past the insensate forms of the picket submarines, stealing fearful glances back at the swarm of Vals, Kates, and Zeroes all the while, Merry couldn't help herself. She started giggling again, bursting into full-on laughter as they got to open ocean. She was still laughing an hour later when an Abyssal Re-class battleship popped out of the water in front of the Sunny.

"AH! MONSTER!" Usopp screeched.

"A pretty monster!" Sanji swooned.

"So, Merry, is this a hostile monster, or…?" Cross trailed off as the battleship pointed her tail and the guns mounted within at the Sunny. "Welp, that answers that."

The Re-class battleship was afforded only a moment of confusion as the humans _didn't_ try to run before the crew, sans Sanji, hauled themselves up onto the Sunny's railing, weapons and fists at ready and predatory gleams in their eyes.

The Abyssal and her tail had just enough time to shoot terrified glances at each other before a rubber fist grabbed the shipgirl's throat and yanked them aboard.

 **-o-**

"Alright, what's the damage?" Goto groaned.

"We have three battleships, one heavy cruiser, two light cruisers, seven submarines, and sixteen destroyers out of commission for at least a week," Ooyodo reported. "We have another seventeen shipgirls with lesser damage who should be good to go tomorrow. As for the base…" The secretary ship flipped to another sheet of paper. "The portside warehouse district has been levelled, the cafeteria is out of commission and will be for at least three days, and the destroyer dorms will need to be rebuilt." She sighed. "Again."

"Okay…" Goto sighed. "I assume everyone's been told _not_ to bring in strange shipgirls flying Jolly Rogers?"

"Yes."

"And the Abyssal at my window?"

Ooyodo glanced at the disheveled Re-class battleship clinging to the glass like a lamprey, tears streaming down from the puppy-dog eyes shining into the office and her tail holding up a sign that read " _Will fight for food and a good home."_

"I took the liberty of contacting Re-chan down in the Marquesas," Ooyodo replied. "She'll take her in."

Goto smirked viciously as he turned around to face his desk. "Good. The Americans will be happy about needing one less battleship on the Australian Route."

THUMP!

Ooyodo took a look behind him before grimacing miserably. "Ah… I'm afraid it won't be that easy, sir."

Goto ground out a weary sigh before slowly wheeling back around.

Plastered on the glass next to the Re-class was Hoppo-chan, who _also_ had tears streaming down her cheeks and was holding up a sign of her own, which read " _Will do anything for big sister."_

THUMP!

And just like that Nagato was there as well, joining the two in their tear-filled pleading. Though the bandages wrapped around her body kinda ruined the image a bit.

Goto's eye twitched furiously for a moment before he slowly turned back to his desk. "Is there… anything else?"

FLASH!

It was a testament to the base's state of affairs that Goto barely even reacted to a piece of paper suddenly appearing on his desk from out of nowhere.

 _Wait until she comes back for a playdate when she's all grown up! —B.R.O.B._

Goto's eye twitched insanely for a moment as he slowly turned to look at Ooyodo with a crazed look before falling down on one knee before her and proffering a golden ring. "Will you marry me?"

The cruiser gave the Admiral a flat stare. "Sir, if you're going to commit suicide, I kindly request you _not_ make it a double."

Goto opened his mouth to speak, but never got the words out as he was suddenly yanked upwards. A stunned Ooyodo traced his trajectory up to the vent in the ceiling, just in time to see Kongo poke her head out.

"Take the rest of the day off, Ooyodo!" she ordered, grinning. "I'll take care of Admiral Goto, don't worry." And with that, she ducked back into the vent and swung the grating back into place.

For a solid five minutes, the secretary ship just stood there in open-mouthed amazement. "The vent's vertical, how did she—" she began before shaking her head. "Ah, fuck it, it's Kongo. I'm gonna go see if Junyo's up to hitting the nearest bar. You all want in?"

Nagato and her… 'family' nodded in agreement.

"Alright, come on, let's go."

And so the light cruiser, the battleship and the Abyssals all wandered off to find a carrier and get hammered.

Just another average day in Yokosuka.

 **Patient AN: The note at the top, specifying that Superego had been waiting a while to release this? Let me make it clear just how true that is: Xomniac and Hornet had this omake completed, every word written… at the time that they invited me backstage.** _ **January,**_ **loyal fans. They have been sitting on this since** _ **January.**_ **And, in the same breath, they have had everything up to this point in the story portrayed in this chapter planned for that long.**

 _ **That**_ **is the might of the Cross-Brain. And I am honored and humbled to be associated on an equal level with these two genii.**


	47. Chapter 43 - Post-Enies Lobby Pt 1

**Chapter 43**

 **Cross-Brain AN: We finally did it. We've reached the top 10. This is the final stretch of our climb to the top, and while surpassing the titans that have established themselves as the top 10 will be the hardest part, we've made it this far. And we're not stopping anytime soon.**

 **Hornet AN: Apropos of nothing, I'm quite pleased I got to properly use the sentences "But first, we need a reaction to her telling physics to bite the pillow." and "So, first off, we need to un-orphan that punchline." while we were writing this.**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Aside from that, our sincerest apologies, loyal fans, but we'll be having to split our planned novel-length chapter in half.**

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

 **Because we were already hitting 50,000 words at the halfway mark. That, and the cruel beyond all cruelty cliffhanger waiting at the end of this chapter was just too good to pass up.**

 **Xomniac AN: You know what they say: The bigger they come…**

It was two days after the incident, and my mind was still reeling from everything that had happened in that time. First, of course, was the memory of the literally divine-sent _miracle,_ which was still enough to make me start laughing from unadulterated joy whenever I thought about it.

…right up until things got scary on account of Merry straight up _collapsing_ in my arms, barely even conscious.

Yeah, see, while becoming a human-ship meant that Merry could now heal from her life-threatening injuries, the fact remained that she actually _had_ life-threatening injuries. The way said injuries translated from carpentry to biology? In the form of her all but being torn in half at the waist beneath her raincoat, along with over a dozen other gaping wounds plaguing her tiny frame.

It had been the very definition of touch and go, with all of us scrambling to get Merry onboard Iceburg's ship and into the vessel's medical bay without aggravating her injuries too badly, followed up by Chopper bodily flinging all of us sans Franky from the room.

The time after that was… _beyond_ tense, with all of us waiting outside the room with bated breath for some sign, _any_ sign of Merry's current condition.

And once that time was up, when Chopper and Franky emerged, weary and bloodstained, we had our answer: Merry was, without a doubt, going to _live._ She'd have a gaping gash of a scar across her back for the rest of her days and she couldn't take off the metal anklets and choker she was sporting without _something_ falling apart, but she would live. And thanks to Franky's expertise and a number of 'just in case' blueprints of his, even in _spite_ of one of her vertebrae being messily fractured, after a few days of rest, physical therapy and crutches, she'd even be able to walk.

Still… happy as the news was, it wasn't _all_ rainbows and sunshine.

 **-o-**

"So… Merry can _never_ become a ship again?" Usopp asked quietly, his air of quiet horror shared between us all.

"I'm sorry, Usopp," Chopper said, shaking his head sadly as he wiped the blood off of his hands. "But yes. Not without dying."

"It all goes back to that damn crack again," Franky explained with a heavy sigh. "See, while we might have been able to patch her up so that she's fine while she's human, I can tell you as a shipwright that the reinforcement we've put in just won't hold up for even a _second_ if she tries to return to her ship form. If she ever tried to go back…" He snapped his fingers with a grim look. "She'd be ripped in half by her own weight. Sorry, guys, but it doesn't matter how long we wait or what we do. Our initial summary was right: the Going Merry's days as your ship are _done_."

"Oh, Ra…" Vivi whispered hoarsely.

Solemn silence seasoned with horror fell over us all. It lasted for half a minute…

"That's fine."

Before our captain's serious-mode voice broke it.

"Luffy—!" Nami started indignantly.

"What?" the rubber man blinked at her in honest confusion. "You guys all heard her, right? Merry said that her dream is to sail the seas with us, and our goal coming to Water 7 was to make it so that that could happen. Who cares if she can't become a ship anymore? She's still alive and with us, and she can still live her dream." He tilted his head to the side. "Isn't that good enough?"

Yet another silence fell on the room, only this time it was more dumbstruck than anything.

"From dumbass to savant in the blink of an eye," Su deadpanned before glancing at Chopper. "Hey, you managed to make yourself freakishly smart, any chance you can replicate the miracle in this rubber-brain?"

"Hmm… it _is_ a possibility, and an intriguing one, at that. I'll start researching righ—" Chopper's musings were cut off as he fell face-first onto the floor, his Muscle Point-sized snores shaking the air around us.

We took a moment to glance uncomfortably at one another before Conis slowly raised a finger. "Er… how long were you guys in there?"

"Eh…" Franky clenched an eye shut as he cocked his head to the side. "According to the clock I stuffed between my ears? Two hours. And on that note!" The cyborg promptly keeled over onto his back, adding his own snores to Chopper's chorus.

The rest of us barely had enough time to realize what was coming before the sandman thwacked us upside our collective heads and darkness took us.

 **-o-**

The next thing most of us knew, it was around thirty hours later and the less injured of us were waking up back on Water 7 with absolutely _killer_ headaches. And aches just about everywhere _else_ too, for that matter, because _damn_ if we hadn't pushed our bodies to the absolute maximum over the course of our, quote-unquote, 'little' adventure. And we were the ones actually _capable_ of waking up; Luffy, Merry, Carue, Vivi, Soundbite, and Chopper were all still slumbering, the first three due to their excessive injuries and the latter three on account of just how utterly they'd drained their bodies of energy during the fight.

Of course, we weren't ones to let that impact us. And if the fact that Iceburg, Zambai, the square sisters, and the three Galley-La foremen entered not two minutes after we woke up was any indication, that was either common knowledge or expected at this point.

It was a load off my chest and everyone else's when Zambai confirmed that none of the Franky Family had died, though there was no shortage of major injuries among them, with even Oimo and Kashi walking away from the ordeal with a few new scars, though _they_ were particularly proud of them. Point of fact, pretty much everyone was proud of their new trophies, a fact which I took no small amount of pleasure in lording over a thoroughly disgruntled Nami.

Meanwhile, what Iceburg had to tell us was… somewhat less pleasant. CP9 had caused enough damage on their own, we'd known that as we'd left, but the worst Aqua Laguna in living memory had only served to _literally_ throw inhuman amounts of salt in the wounds. But, and he smirked as he said it, Galley-La would have more than enough time on their hands to fix the damage thanks to their dissolved contracts with the World Government meaning that they no longer had a queue of battleships a mile long to complete.

Now _that_ caught us all up short, and Iceburg wasted no time in explaining his reasoning, which the entire island agreed with. _More_ than agreed with, actually, considering how they seemed ready to form an angry mob when the truth of the 'Mass Resignation from Hell' reached them.

But still, as brash and bold as the move appeared on its surface, the truth of Iceburg's actions extended far past the realms of the obvious and delved to depths of true diabolical genius that had _Franky_ ready to start treating him with respect. And all to get back at the Government.

See, as Mayor of Water 7, while he only had _direct_ control over Galley-La, Iceburg's word was tantamount to law where the rest of the companies on Water 7 were concerned. As such, when Tom's old apprentice sent out the word that Water 7 would no longer be servicing 'all those affiliated with the World Government', he didn't just mean that Galley-La would stop working for the Marines. He meant that the _entire island_ would stop working for anyone affiliated with the World Government.

The significance lay in that while Galley-La was the best company on Water 7, Water 7 held the best shipwrights in all of Paradise. Period. The end result of the embargo was that a large number of nations—Pucci, San Faldo, and St. Poplar among the most immediate—were being stabbed with Morton's Fork but hard: either abandon the World Government's good graces and face all the consequences that that implied head-on, or abandon Iceburg and attempt to face the seas with ships of _notably_ lesser quality than what came out of Water 7.

And considering the Grand Line's general temperament on a _good_ day? Suffice to say that for many, the 'choice' wasn't actually much of a choice at all, and the fact that the World Government had a large number of more hostile secessions to deal with meant that they were getting ample opportunity to batten the hatches for the inevitable retaliation for staying with Iceburg.

Once Iceburg finished explaining the current state of affairs on the island, we moved onto discussing more important matters, I.E. the current states of our injured crewmates. On the surface, everyone who was still out of it _looked_ okay, but in reality… well, simply put, the physician who was looking over us in Chopper's place had _quite_ a bit to say.

 **-o-**

"—shriveled organs, three-quarters of his blood lost, the rest stretched as thin as nori, less hydration than a cactus, more minute tears in his skin than I can count, and fatigue that should have rendered him unconscious two days ago!"

"…Um, doc? He only got those injuries yesterday—" Zambai began.

"EXACTLY!" the sawbones roared as he jabbed his finger at the dismantler. "He's taken 48 hours' worth of Olympic-grade fatigue in a mere _sixth_ of that time. Which leads me to the following diagnosis: _EVEN IF HE IS MADE OF RUBBER, IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE THAT HE IS STILL_ BREATHING!"

"…You guys have Olympics?" I asked nobody in particular.

I found no small amount of amusement in the way the poor bastard flung his hands up in the air with a wordless cry of frustration.

"Every decade or so, Mariejois hosts them, and similar smaller events occur in the Blues. I probably would have wound up taking my boys and heading to one of them if I hadn't joined up with you guys," Boss answered, before blinking in confusion. "Ah… apropos of nothing, Cross, I just realized that I'm confused about something, too."

"Huh? What, you already knew that my knowledge isn't that comprehensive."

"No, that's not it," he waved me off. "Soundbite's unconscious, that much is obvious and expected…" Boss eyed Soundbite's audibly snoring shell before gesturing at his throat. "So… how am I still talking?"

I opened my mouth and raised a finger, then reversed the action and scratched the back of my head. "Um… Devil Fruits are bullshit, Awakened Devil Fruits make mere bullshit their bitch?"

Boss stared at me silently before nodding in acceptance. "Your logic is sound."

Before I could say anything else, my attention was caught by a sound not unlike whistling steam starting to fill the room. The origin, as it turned out, appeared to be the good doctor, whose face was slowly turning a rather interesting shade of purple, and I swear his head expanded a little bit.

"He looks like a grape about to pop," Robin wryly observed.

I flashed a grin her way. "Have I mentioned how happy I am to have you back, Robin?"

My pseudo-older-sibling chuckled as she tipped her hat in my direction.

The doctor slowly turned a wild-eyed look on Iceburg, who'd been watching the exchange with no small amount of amusement. "Mister Mayor," he seethed viciously. "I'd like to offer you my official prognosis on the Straw Hat Pirates as a whole."

Iceburg hid a snicker behind his hand. "Aheh, a-ah, yes, and that would be, doctor?"

" _They're utterly insane."_

Nami gave the poor physician a decidedly unimpressed look. "You haven't been in the Grand Line long, have you?"

"I just wanted to write a freaking _thesis,_ damn it!" the doctor sobbed miserably. "But no, instead I wind up in _this_ loony bin of a geographic location! Why the hell did I take career advice from a little girl who was offering it for a few Beris!?"

"I assume because she's _really_ good at what she does?" Mikey offered with an unrepentant grin.

"Ah, Doctor Maple," Iceburg hastily spoke up as the poor sap of a physician started to turn a demented gaze on the Dugong. "I believe you were informing these fine folks of the current states of their comrades?"

The Doctor continued to twitch for a bit before heavily huffing out as much of his frustration as he could manage and refocusing on the clipboard he was carrying. "Alright… alright… let's see… might as well start with the most _normal_ case here, the princess."

" _Grrraagh…"_

The doctor cut himself off as a pained gurgle came from the direction of another bed.

"Or… the duck, I suppose. The duck could work, too," he hesitantly conceded.

Said duck was leaning up in his bed, blearily rubbing his head with his bandaged wing. "Ish… Ish she alwight?" he squawked painfully.

"Ah…" I helped the doctor out by jerking my head at Vivi. "Ah! Y-Yes, she's fine! She has some broken bones, a few fractured ribs and scratches a little bit everywhere, and she's suffering from an _acute_ case of exhaustion—nowhere near the levels of that monster you call a captain, mind you—but apart from that she's mostly fine.

"The worst injury she received…" He gestured at Vivi's bandaged midsection. "Would be that, quite frankly, _impressive_ case of road rash that she's sporting on her midsection. _That_ will be leaving quite the scar. Though, heh…" The doctor chuckled mirthlessly as he fiddled with his clipboard. "From what I know of people in your profession, I'm certain she won't mi—!"

"Doctor?"

Sanji's tone was perfectly calm and even, but the doctor nonetheless fell silent. Most likely because of the ambient temperature in the room suddenly ratcheting up a few degrees in spite of Sanji's only motion being to light his cigarette.

"You may not be aware of this, but the sea restaurant Baratie didn't have much in the way of medical treatment. As such, we more often used what we had onboard to make ends meet. Suffice to say that more often than not, the results were…" Sanji sighed out a roiling cloud of smoke. " _Not_ that positive. In light of this information, I recommend that unless you'd like me to demonstrate some of those treatments firsthand, you refrain from finishing that sentence. Is that clear?"

The doctor's fearful whimper was answer enough.

Meanwhile, ignoring the exchange, Carue slowly began struggling to get to his talons. "Aye… Aye haf ta get up… haf tah get back tah—"

 _THWOCK!_

"—haaaaaah…"

Carue's eyes rolled up into the back of his head as he flopped forwards onto his beak and began snoring, showing off a syringe that had buried itself in his rump.

I glanced at Chopper, all ready to compliment him on the shot (heh), and then I _felt_ my face turn blue.

"Is he… even… awake?" I croaked fearfully as I watched Chopper continue to slumber peacefully.

"No, Cross. He is not," Robin replied, appearing rather nervous herself. Along with everyone else in the room that was conscious, for that matter, and I'm fairly certain that more than a few of the KO ones started to sweat.

"Ergh…" Doctor Maple groaned as he eyed our Zoan crewmate. "That's for the best, if I'll be honest. He's one of the worst cases. Granted, his biology makes an accurate diagnosis a bit difficult, but what I've got so far is… quite frankly disturbing. Multiple puncture wounds all over his body, extreme amounts of stress to his skeleton and musculature, he's been beaten within an inch of his life, suffered second degree burns to his chest…" He topped it all off with a sidelong glare at Luffy. "And he's anywhere from half to three-quarters as exhausted as your captain. I'll be honest: I might not have been in the Grand Line long, but in my time here I _have_ treated a few Zoan-types, and I've seen them live through some rather _insane_ damage. But seeing this… I still have no idea how on earth he's still alive."

"What can we say?" Usopp chuckled with a weak smile. "He's one hell of a monster."

"Hey!" I protested in indignation. "He's a _demon._ Get your terminology straight, why dontcha?"

The doctor rolled his eyes as we all shared a laugh at that. "Anyway… I'm just going to go ahead and move past your pet snail, because I'm not a veterinari—AGH!"

"First off, his name is Soundbite, and he is my _partner,_ " I droned tonelessly as I clenched my fingers around the man's shoulder. "And second, I suggest that for the sake of your arm, you learn." I redoubled my grip. " _Fast."_

Going by the way the doctor suddenly stiffened in my grasp, he _definitely_ felt it as everyone conscious in the room joined me in pinning him, some simply with stares in place of glares, but the message was clear. The poor sap swallowed and nodded, and as I relaxed my hand, he carefully picked up Soundbite and looked him over.

"Mmmrgh… a-alright… h-his shell looks fine besides a few cracks here and there, though they look old…" He shut his eye as he stared into Soundbite's shell. "He's normally gray, right?" I nodded in agreement. "Then I… think he's a healthy color? Apart from that, ah… going by his power set, maybe a sore throat and most likely some exhaustion of his own." He gave me a terrified look. "T-There, is that good enough for you?"

I smiled beatifically as I released his shoulder in favor of plucking Soundbite from his grasp. " _Perfect."_

The doctor straightened his coat out as he nervously side-eyed me. "A-Anyway, t-the rest of you are all fine, relatively speaking. Scratches, a few fractures here and there, nothing truly major to worry about. In the end, I suppose the last person who needs to be mentioned is, well…" He cast a softer look at the person in the room who was simultaneously our newest crewmate and one of our oldest comrades. "Her."

We all looked nervously at Merry as the doctor reshuffled through his notes.

"Well, I never thought that I'd say this, but your doctor _and_ Franky did good work; your friend… Merry, was it?" He noted her name down when Nami nodded. "Merry is in no immediate danger, and once she wakes up, she should be stable to move about on her own after a few days of crutches and physical therapy. I also gave her a basic physical, and aside from structural damage around her neck and feet that those metal braces are keeping surprisingly stable, she seems healthy. But!"

He promptly snapped his finger up. "You _need_ to make sure that she takes it easy for the next few days; the damage to her spine is healing fast, but not even Zoan-levels of fast are enough that it will be done when she awakens. Which, given your crew's inordinate level of strength, I'd estimate will be in another twenty-four hours at the latest. From there, if what I've been told is accurate, I think that you'll need Galley-La's help as much as mine; she may seem to be fully human now, but there are bound to still be some carryovers from her original form, even in her alternate form."

"So… all in all, everyone's healthy enough?" Nami concluded.

"The ones who are unconscious should stay that way for their own good, but as long as you don't get into any more serious fights in the next few days?" He gave us all a flat look. "Which, given your reputations I _sincerely_ doubt you can accomplish? Yes, you're all clear. Even if, by all standards of modern medicine, most of you should be _dead_ ten to twenty times over."

I sighed in relief as I breezed past the last bit of what the doctor had said; I had never doubted that we'd win against Enies Lobby, but I won't deny that after what I'd gone through on Skypiea, I'd been worrying about someone suffering some form of lasting damage.

Granted, we hadn't come out of there entirely unchanged: Nami was still pretty mellowed out, Vivi'd taken a hell of a blow, Merry wasn't totally alright, and I was planning on making the bandages across my face a permanent fixture on account of how they looked leagues better than the gaping crevasse Hattori had left in my face and nose, but all things considered, I couldn't really complain about the way things had turned out.

"In that case."

Iceburg's voice cut through my relief like a knife, drawing everyone's attention. His impassible expression did little to alleviate the tension. "I believe that you owe me an explanation now, Jeremiah Cross."

"Oh, yeah…" Paulie slowly narrowed his eyes as he and the rest of the Family and Galley-La's execs rounded on me. "Almost forgot about that little promise."

I took a moment to glance around, confirming that Robin and Franky were both looking at me as well, before nodding with a sigh. "Yeah, alright, alright. Chances are I'll be telling this tale again sooner or later, so I suppose a rehearsal wouldn't be the _worst_ thing. But still!" I promptly snapped a finger up. "This is sensitive information; the fewer people who hear what I'm about to say, the better. If you wouldn't mind…?"

"Already going," Doctor Maple said, leaving the room with no small amount of haste (or panic, either or).

"I trust these three with my life, Cross," Iceburg stated as he crossed his arms.

"The same from me," Franky snorted as he brought his forearms together and flexed.

I eyed the execs that were hanging around with determined looks before sighing and shaking my head. Well, if they _insisted_ on being stubborn… "Your funeral. Guess I can't really blame you if you're determined to lose whatever measure of sanity you have le—"

"Later, big bro!" the square sisters chorused, shooting out of the house like they were cats and it was full of rocking chairs.

"Wait up!" Lulu called as he chased after them.

"DITTO!" Tilestone howled as he followed his comrade.

I watched them leave before regarding the remaining two with a raised eyebrow. "And you?"

To their credit, Zambai and Paulie only took a second to exchange a look before nodding firmly. "We're staying," they said in unison.

I considered matters for a moment before mentally shrugging. Just the seconds-in-commands would be more manageable than them all. As such, with preparations complete, I positioned myself in such a spot that I could observe everybody pertinent to the discussion.

"Given how… _most_ everybody I'm talking to is pretty damn smart—"

"HEY!"

"I'll do you the courtesy of settling for the quick version: simply put, everything that I know that I shouldn't, I know because I read about it in a story."

As everyone's jaws slowly dropped in shock, I started ticking off my fingers. "Past, present, future; everything pertinent to the rise of Roger's successor to his throne and even a few key factoids and details that are only tangentially relevant, I have in my head. It wasn't finished when I read it, so I only know a little more than half of where it goes and more than a few of the answers to the big mysteries remain question marks, but…" I spread my arms, indicating the room in general. "I think it's pretty damn self-evident that what I've got has been more than enough to cause some serious change and uproar."

Most everyone who was hearing this for the first time was too stunned to reply properly, desperately trying to process what I'd just said. Eventually, however, one person managed to force the expected words out.

"Where in the world could you have possibly read a story like _that_ , Cross?" Robin asked incredulously.

I slowly donned a smirk as I crossed my arms behind my head. "Funny you should word it like that, Robin."

As expected of the final graduate of an institution called the Tree of Knowledge, that was all that she needed to understand. And her reaction wasn't disappointing either, what with her entire body stiffening and her pupils shrinking as she sucked in a sudden breath. "You're… You're from another world?" she stammered numbly.

"Eh!?" every listener save Iceburg yelped, every eye turning to Robin.

"One far different from this one, aye," I nodded in confirmation. "Though I'm still entirely human, I assure you."

"EH!?" the trio roared even louder as they looked back at me.

"As for the circumstances for my arriving in _this_ world, well…" I forged on, ignoring the now unanimously dumbstruck expressions of my audience. "The story I read, entitled _One Piece_ , was one of the more popular contemporary tales in my world. And me? I just was one of _many_ fans who read it, a totally ordinary person."

A weary sigh worked its way from my chest as I reached up to pinch the bridge of its nose. "That all changed when a… I don't know, a force, a god, whatever it is, identifying itself as a 'Bastard Random Omnipotent Being', decided to up and fling me into this world with nothing but the clothes on my back, all for the shits and giggles it would get from watching my adventures. After that happened, I landed on a deserted island in the East Blue, met _that_ little parasite over there—" I nodded my head at Soundbite's shell. "And, well, the rest, as they say, is history."

Dead silence descended from there. Paulie and Zambai were looking a little dizzy, and Iceburg was openly gaping at me, any semblance of composure lost. Oddly enough, though, our two crewmates, current and future alike, only looked somewhat shocked, their expressions slowly returning to neutrality, though our archaeologist still had a sheen of sweat present on her brow. Eventually, Robin broke the silence.

"So, if I'm understanding you correctly," she began. "We're all technically characters in a story you read?"

I smiled nervously, rubbing the back of my head . "Uh… isn't every person already the hero of their own—?"

"Plagiarist~!" Su sang from the sidelines.

" _Cross."_

I flinched at the practically whip-like intensity of the word before shrinking in on myself. "I, ah, have long since acknowledged everyone as being living breathing people and not merely fictional entities?" I tried hesitantly. "…and you were always one of my favorite characters? T-Though that was only the m-mere _basis_ of my endeavors to, ah…" I lapsed into silence before hanging my head in defeat. "Screw it, I don't know how the _hell_ you word something like this and I trust you're smart enough to know that I haven't been bullshitting you. So… are we good?"

Robin stared impassively at me for what felt like an eternity before sighing and bringing a hand up to massage her forehead. "I'm not mad, Cross. After all, I suspect that I better than anyone have a decent idea of what your dilemma was like."

I started to sigh in relief—

"However."

"GAH! _OWOWOWOW!"_ I yelped in agony as I suddenly found my ear getting yanked to the side.

I was vaguely aware of Nami whistling as she watched me struggle and flail. "Geeze, you _really_ make being a hammer look inviting, Robin."

"QUIET IN THE PEANUT GALLER— _YEOW!"_

"I _am_ fairly irritated that you didn't even consider telling me all of this once I'd joined!" Robin scolded me in a vexed tone.

"OwowowOW! LET GO, DAMN IT!" I finally managed to swat the hand off my ear and shoulder, and took the opportunity it gave me to cast a glare at Robin. "And when the hell would I have had the chance to do _that, hm!?"_ I demanded incredulously. "Before we both almost got flash-frozen, during which time there was still a goodly chance of you _snapping my neck_ before making a break for it, or after, when you were looking left, right, and center for a chance to make a run for it!?"

 _That_ got an embarrassed blush from Robin, prompting a cough into her fist, her eyes pointedly away from mine. "I, ah… that is to say… call it even."

"'Even' my—!"

 _THWACK!_

"Ouch!" I yelped, clutching my throbbing skull.

"Watch what you say to a lady, shit-mouth," Sanji fumed indignantly.

"I'll say whatever the hell I want to my own sister, crap-cook!" I shot back, crossing my arms with a huff. "And trust me, I've had more than enough experience with my own biological sibling. This is perfectly normal for brothers and sisters, so unless you have any reason to say otherwise—"

"Yo, can I get a word in edgewise, here?"

I turned towards Franky as he spoke up, noting the frown on his face and his crossed arms even as Sanji began coughing. Must have inhaled his cigarette wrong again.

"Look," Franky said with a wave of his hand. "I realize that the Grand Line is nutso and everything, and I've seen some pretty nutty stuff myself, but c'mon Cross. An explanation like _that?_ Even I have to draw the line and call you a little nuts, no matter how crazy good your intel's been up until now."

Things were quiet for a bit until Iceburg sighed wearily. "As much as it pains me to agree with Flim-Flam here—"

"I think I might even prefer Flunky," the cyborg muttered.

"—your story is a bit… out there. Do you have any kind of proof, anything at all, that could prove your words beyond any doubt?"

I blinked in honest surprise before frowning. Honestly, it wasn't _that_ much of an unreasonable request, just a difficult one. My eyes started to wander around the room as I contemplated what I could use as a solution. What was something I could do that nobody knew about ye—?

I had to resist the urge to cackle as my gaze alighted upon the answer to my problems. And so, moving fast, I strode over to a corner of the room and opened the fridge, palming the first trio of bottles I could find.

"Well, if you _insist…"_ I only just managed to hide the sheer levels of amused sadism I was feeling as I stood up and shuffled towards the cyborg. "But first, since I imagine you're either out of Cola or, going by your hairdo, running low, mind opening your gut-fridge?"

"Eh?" Franky blinked in confusion even as he complied, clicking his gut-piece open. "Sure thing, thanks for—!"

 _CLUNK!_

"HEY!" he yelped as I wrenched the empty bottles out and shoved in a new trio that were obviously _not_ Cola. "WHAT THE HELL DO Y—EOW!"

All anyone in the room could do was stare in shock as Franky's hair draped down around his face and he busted out into a dance routine that ended with his finger pointed high in the air. "EVERYONE GET DOWN AND GET FUNKY, BECAUSE TONIGHT IS THRILLA! _GAH!"_ The mob-boss then ripped the bottles from his gut and tossed them away. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST MAKE ME DO!?"

"Ooooh, nothing much," I smirked as I made a show of examining my (nonexistent and bandage-covered) nails. "I just decided to show off what happens whenever you go, shall we say, 'non-kosher'?" I then directed my impish grin to the rest of the room. "And for the record, that was _just_ pumpkin juice. Vegetable juice gets him acting like a hippie, and tea turns him into a pansy-ass _farmer!_ Anybody else up for finding out what _other_ drinks will do?"

Franky paled as literally everyone gained mischievous glints in their eyes. "H-Hey, what the hell do you think you're all looking at!? I'm not some kind of a sideshow— _AGH!"_ His protests were cut off when Zoro, Sanji _and_ Boss all dogpiled him at once, while the rest of my crewmates started ransacking the room for beverages.

"Hey, I found some—! _Eurgh,_ spinach juice?!" Mikey recoiled in disgust before flinging the bottle over to our crewmates. "Worth a shot!"

"Don't even— _YOHO_ HOOOO!" Franky suddenly shot to his feet and actually _flung_ our three strongest off of him as he started flexing, his hair morphing into a sailor's cap in appearance. "CHECK IT! I'M STRONG TO THE VERY FINISH BECAUSE I ALWAYS EAT MY SPINACH! AND WHEN I SAY STRONG, I MEAN _STRONGAH THAN STRONG! LIKE HELL!"_ Franky capped it off by knocking the bottles out with a roar. " _THAT SHIT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING! AND AS FOR THE REST OF—_ HEY!" His being restrained again cut off his rant.

"Oooh, looky here!" Su perched herself on a trio of bottles. "Ale and a mind, both terrible things to waste! At least these are going to a good cause!" And with that she rolled them all towards the fray.

"FORSOOTH, SQUIRES! I am Ser Iron Ass the Blacksmith! I haileth from the land of FANTASIA! OH, COME ON!"

"I was saving this for lunch…" Paulie mused as he drew a bottle of grape juice from his jacket and weighed it in his hand. "But this is _so_ worth it! Consider this payback for _all_ the years of shit you've put me through, iron-ass!"

The bottle was tossed into the fray and dutifully slotted in. "If you're wonderin' why I'm wearin' a toga, it's cause I feel like emulatin' the city of wine! _AVE ROMA_! THAT ONE DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"

Conis bit her lip as she rolled a bottle in her hands. "This might be a bit mean…" She then smiled apologetically as she held the bottle out for someone to grab. "But I'm sorry, this is too funny!"

"Yo ho ho ho, yo ho ho ho~, I'M ABOUT TO POP A—!"

"OKAY, _THAT'S_ TMI!" I yelped as I yanked the milk out.

"Alright, enough!" Zambai suddenly roared, shoving everyone off of his big bro and helping him to his feet. "That was funny and all, but Big Bro Franky isn't a lab rat, you jerks! Here ya go, big bro." Zambai handed him a trio of appropriately shaped bottles. "Good as new!"

Franky didn't waste a moment before he popped the bottles in and heaved a grateful sigh as his pompadour sprung back to life. "Ah, that's better! Thanks, Zambai, I'm back to normal!" Franky started flexing demonstratively. "Man, I feel super! _Super_ super, even! And ya know what? I wanna get even more super! I wanna move, I wanna exercise! I WANNA GET FITTAH! _WHAT THE HELL!"_ Franky ripped the bottles out as he roared at his subordinate. "DIET COLA!? YOU DAMN ASSHOLE!"

"HAHAHAHA!" Zambai was practically rolling on the floor, he was laughing so loud. "SORRY, BIG BRO, I COULDN'T RESIST!"

"YOOOU…" Franky fumed murderously.

"Hey, Franky, before you kick his ass," Sanji cut in, tapping his shoulder. "Just checking, but you and Iceburg believe Cross now, right?"

"Eh?" Franky blinked over his shoulder before nodding "Ah… yeah, I believe him now. Not like I have much choice, right? I only ever experimented with alternate fuels once, and nobody was around to see it. Only way he could have learned it—!"

"Was from watching Chopper toss you tea and veggie juice while you were in Enies Lobby's kitchen," I answered with a smirk.

"…Yeah, that."

"I'm satisfied as well," Iceburg nodded in confirmation.

I started to pump my fist victoriously…

" _Good."_

And then I froze up without warning when the voice of pure evil hit my ears, and I suddenly felt my sins start to crawl upon my back.

Slowly, dreading what I would find, I turned around to face the evil that I just _knew_ was lurking behind me, and promptly regretted the action as I found myself staring at a panel of dark judgment: a tengu, an oni and a demon, all staring at me with pure murder in their eyes.

" _Time to pay, Cross,"_ they intoned in synch.

I quaked miserably in my bandages, too afraid to even berate the scant few of my 'comrades' who had the gall to laugh at my fate.

Thankfully, for all that karma was a bitch, at least it could be said that she was a _unilateral_ bitch.

" _What the hell are_ you _laughing about, Leo?"_ the oni snarled darkly.

The dugong in question froze mid-laugh, cold sweat cascading down his entire body.

" _I haven't forgotten the debt you owe me as well."_

The two-sword-style apprentice and I sloooowly exchanged fearful looks.

Soundbite chose that moment to poke his eyestalks out of his shell, his eyes visibly bleary from exhaustion. " _Fly, you fools,"_ he croaked, though admittedly, the way he said 'fools' sounded more like 'morons'.

Nevertheless, we took his advice and, to put it lightly…

"AAAAAAAGH!"

De-assed the area with the quickness.

Suffice to say, the chase did _not_ end there.

 **-o-**

Rather, it led us out into the city proper. Have I ever mentioned that I was _really_ grateful for being good at making connections?

"Long live the Union, long live the Union, long live the Union," Leo repeated fervently as the Yagara we were riding _flew_ through the canals.

Because seriously, I was really, really, _really_ grateful for those God-given connections.

I wheezed and panted wearily as I leaned against the edge of the bull's saddle, casting a tired eye back down the canal we'd just rocketed down. "Any, _huff,_ sign of them, _hoo?"_

"Ah…" Leo, his wits back with him, raised his head to peer over the back of the saddle's lip.

 _CRACK!_

Before shrieking in terror when said lip suddenly blasted apart into a hail of splinters and sawdust. "YES! SIGNS! MANY MANY SIGNS!"

"Sonnuva—!?" I cursed as I swung my gaze around. "The monsters I'd expect to be capable of keeping up with us, but _Usopp!?_ Where the hell could he… be…?" My words died in my throat as a glint shined in the corner of my eye, and I _slooowly_ turned my head to gape up at the summit of Water 7 in horror. "Ooooh you have _got_ to be kidding me. How the hell is _this_ a proportional response!?"

" **If it were just for the mermaid, it wouldn't be except for the love cook."**

Leo and I froze in horror, slowly turning our gazes to the rooftops lying before us. Two monsters glared right back at us, waves of killer intent roiling around them like a physical force.

" **But for me, and Usopp?"** the oni growled darkly. " **This is just the breaking point for putting up with all of your smartassery for the past. Five. Months. You should count yourself lucky that Nami got brainwashed, or that thunder god she predicted yesterday would be on your ass as well."**

I swallowed heavily as I realized just how _deep_ a hole of shit I was in. "Oooookay…" I hedged desperately as I tried to think of _some_ way to keep my head on my shoulders. "Two things in my defense. A: None of you ever asked why I kept calling her 'hagfish', so really, _you_ should have known that something was up."

" **For the sake of your health,** _ **your other reason had better damn well be better**_ **,"** the demon snarled, smoke and fire coming from his mouth.

"Right, then… more seriously?" I grasped at the last straw I could conceive of. "If I hadn't told you, you could have _died_."

 _That_ caught the two of them off-guard, and they exchanged glances before resuming glaring at me. " **And how do you figure that?"** the demon asked skeptically.

I hastily scrounged up what few specific details about that scene I could recall. "T-The shock of seeing her like that made you all black out, right? You all stopped trying to breathe, so you didn't swallow enough seawater to drown while she was carrying you. There was a _legitimate risk_ of you drowning if I told you what was coming because you wouldn't immediately black out, a-and I wasn't willing to risk that."

" **And you expect us to believe that it wasn't just for another cheap laugh?"**

' _I'm surprised you've believed me this far!'_ I thought desperately, but I managed to keep my face from giving away little more than a flat look. "In theory? I'll admit I thought it could be a little funny. But in practice?" I shuddered as the memory flashed unbidden in my mind. "Nooo, it was _just_ as disturbing for me as it was for you, and I saw it coming!"

The oni was silent for a moment before glancing at the demon. "… **You know, he has a point there."**

" **MY RAGE IGNORES THIS."**

The blood drained from my face "…Sooo you're still going to kick my ass, then?"

" _ **Yes."**_ Neither of them even hesitated in their response. And so it was that they started to stalk towards us, every step they took increasing the murderous pressure looming over us.

Leo shivered miserably in his shell. "We're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna—!"

"Like hell we are!" I barked in a tone that sounded a lot more confident than I felt. "I've got a plan! Get in front of me, Leo!"

It was a true testament to the Dugong's trust in me that he didn't even hesitate to step up, blades crossed in front of himself. "W-Whatever this plan is, you're sure it's gonna work?"

"Ooooh yeah, it'll work, alright!" I nodded firmly, stepping back as much as I could in the saddle's confines. "No matter what happens, I'll _definitely_ have one less monster to worry about!"

Leo heaved a sigh of relief. "Oh, thank Sebek, for a second the— _wait, what did you just—!?"_

Before he could finish, my boot slammed into his ass and punted him clean off of our bull's back. "EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!"

"WAAAA— _OOF!"_ Leo's scream of shocked terror suddenly died as he found himself halted in midair. He panted as he hung there for a moment before hanging his head in relief. "Oh, thank Sebek, I was so afraid that I was going to have to fight Zoro…"

" **Ahem."**

Leo opened his eyes and blinked in confusion, before screaming in horror as he realized that he'd instinctually locked swords with the oni. "CROSS, YOU TRAITOROUS BASTARD!" he howled through his tears as he and his opponent's blades blurred.

"PIRATE!" I shouted back at him as the Yagara sped off at full speed. Still, in spite of the seriousness of the situation, I was utterly exhilarated. I was going to make it! I was actually going to—!

My ride suddenly screeched to a halt, and I couldn't rightly _blame_ him for it because of the fact that the demon was currently hovering in the air before us.

"Figured out Moonwalk, huh?" I squeaked miserably.

" **Mm-hmm,"** the demon snorted before turning his gaze on the Yagara. " **Move and you're elevenses."**

The bull's response was to shoot its head underwater and quake in place.

" **Smart choice."**

I inched away from the demon on pure reflex, and went ramrod straight when a thunk sounded out behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and found myself struggling with a raging combo of terror and awe. "Retractable parachute-pack, huh?" I whimpered. "Any chance I could get one of those for myself, maybe incorporate the grappling belt into it? The thing's been working out _really_ well for me so far."

" **We can talk once you get out of traction,"** the Tengu hissed as he took aim at my head.

I swallowed heavily before waving vaguely at my face. "N-Not above the collar, alright? My throat's my livelihood, and my face, well…" I fingered the fresh set of bandages that cut across my face. I was proud of my scars, but there was a limit, and having my nasal cavity open to the world _very_ much crossed it. "CP9 already beat you to it."

" **There's only one problem with that idea, Cross."**

I glanced over my shoulder—

 _CRACK!_

"GRGHHH…" before whimpering painfully as I clutched my re-broken nose.

" **We have exactly zero fucks left to give."**

I had all of a second to process the image of a foot rearing back in preparation and the stretching of an elastic slingshot—

" **What. Are you doing. Out of bed?"**

Before all three of us froze, the demonic images fading and leaving only a nervous-looking Usopp and Sanji as we turned to see a yeti standing on the side of the canal, six syringes between his fingers like claws, and one each sticking out of the nearby Zoro and Leo, who were both paralyzed, fear on their faces. Said yeti was currently staring darkly at us.

" **Straining your injuries, and creating more of them for yourselves and others?** _ **That won't do, will it? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE FORCING ME TO DO THE SAME SO I CAN STOP YOU."**_

"…Maybe we should have thought this through a bit more," Usopp whimpered in terror.

"Agreed," Sanji and I squeaked.

 **-o-**

Suffice to say that when we woke up early the next morning, the sight of Chopper sleeping nearby, ostensibly peacefully, was enough to cow us into talking things out. After some consideration, realizing that opportunities in the coming sagas would be few and far between, I gave them a promise not to abuse my future knowledge solely for my own amusement again, unless I was certain that it was utterly harmless or unless they were in on it, until we set out from Paradise towards the New World. After considering the phrasing, they accepted that.

Their mistake. After all, that left a boatload of loopholes for me to abuse, not the least of which was that I only promised not to abuse my _future_ knowledge. So, when the future became the present…

Anyway, over the next few hours, everyone else save for Luffy came around without too much incident, one after the other. Vivi complained of some aches and pains as she picked at the unwound roll of gauze tied around her midsection, Carue grumbled and growled as he side-eyed Chopper. Chopper… well, he _got up_ cackling his furry little ass off, but some blunt-force therapy swiftly rectified that and he got to work checking everyone over. As for Soundbite, I _think_ he tried to blare out some kind of an orchestra upon his full revival, but all he did was perform a real-life version of the old 'Letting the air out of the band' gag.

And finally, almost forty-eight hours after the end of our ordeal and her conversion, Merry came awake.

At first, we all clamored around her, either hugging her or asking her how she was, until Chopper forced us all to give her some breathing room. Still, we managed to give her a hug from each of us, with even Zoro reluctantly consenting to offer one. Granted, he only consented after Nami threatened to start charging him for the very air he breathed, but still.

Unfortunately, as nice and heartwarming as the moment was, it just couldn't last forever.

 **-o-**

"So…" Merry hesitantly poked the bandages wrapped over her back as she glanced over her shoulder. "I… can't ever become a ship again?"

"I'm afraid not," Chopper shook his head solemnly. "I'm so sorry, Merry. I'd fix you if I could, but even with Franky's help modern medicine only goes so far and as it is you'll have to use crutches for a few days and—!"

I cut his rambling off by dropping my hand on his shoulder. The vanilla Human-Zoan glanced up at me before taking a calming breath and getting himself back under control.

"I'm sorry, Merry," he reiterated in a calmer tone. "But no, you can't. You're lucky to not be paralyzed at all, but if you ever try going back again, the prospect of a wheelchair will be the least of your problems."

The white-haired girl looked down, her expression unreadable. Silence fell for a full minute. And then…

"…I'm alright with this," she whispered at last.

"Merry—!" Conis started to speak up.

"No, seriously!" Merry hastily waved her arms in denial. "I-I mean it sucks that I can't turn into a ship anymore, t-that I can't… c-carry you… anymore…"

Merry fell silent as she stared down at her lap, visibly fighting to keep herself under control, but eventually she looked back up, a smile on her face even as tears cascaded from her eyes.

"But I'm _alive,"_ she whispered joyously. "I'm alive and I'm still with you all and I'm going to stay with you all and… and that means more to me than _anything_. And if…" She stared at her hands as she flexed them experimentally. "If I have to get used to being a human instead of a ship from now on… as the price for this new life?" She clenched her hands into fists and nodded firmly. "Then I'll accept… no. No, I'll _more_ than accept it!"

Merry looked up with a massive smile, confidence radiating from her small frame. "I'll _overcome it!_ I'll do what this crew always does, and I'll take what it is that makes me special and I'll beat the world over the head with it! I won't stop and I won't back down, no matter wha— _GRK!"_ Merry cut herself off mid-cheer when she _tried_ to punch her fist into the air and wound up freezing in place, a pained expression flashing across her face. "Ah… little help?"

After chuckling a bit while Chopper shook his head and began treating Merry, I took the opportunity to speak up.

"Alright, so now that we've got that particular endeavor established, I think our first priority should be finding out what exactly Merry's capable of now, agreed?"

A general round of agreement sounded out around the room, but before anyone could say anything further Chopper interrupted us with a raised hoof and a cough to draw our attention.

"I, ah, actually think I have somewhere to start," he mused as he scrutinized Merry's back.

"What, really?" the girl-ship blinked over her shoulder at him.

"Maybe…" Chopper tilted his head curiously before glancing to the side and waving his hoof at the TDWS. "Donny, you're relatively smart, would you mind lending me a hand?"

"'Relatively'!?" the purple-bandanna'd dugong squawked indignantly.

Chopper rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Relative compared to _me_ , Donny."

"…Right, I knew that," Donny coughed before hopping onto the bed and joining Chopper behind Merry. "What do you need?"

"Confirmation from someone with flesh and bone for appendages rather than keratin, and before you ask!" he continued as Donny opened his mouth. "My Heavy Point is not delicate enough for the kind of work I'm doing right now."

"Fair enough," Donny shrugged before eyeing Merry's mutilated flesh. "So, what am I—?"

"Try applying some pressure to her flesh, like so." Chopper demonstrated by pushing his hoof into Merry's back.

"Eep!"

Causing her to flinch in shock.

"Like this?" Donny asked, prodding his flipper at the spot indicated.

"Erk!" Merry shivered in place.

"Yes, exactly!" Chopper nodded. "Now, try applying it like _this."_

"GACK! Hey, what're you—!?"

"So… by doing this then?"

"YEEK!"

"Wait, what—?" Donny blinked before leaning in. "Did she just…?" He poked her again.

"AIE!"

"See, that's what I thought!" Chopper nodded in agreement. "And even if you do it _this way—!"_

"YEOWCH! _MALPRACTICE!"_

"Ah, guys?" I spoke up as I watched them continue _poking_ at Merry's back. "Not that this isn't fun and all—!"

"I BEG TO— _YIPE!"_

" **Very** _ **FUN!"**_ Soundbite cackled uproariously.

"But _what_ is this in aid of?"

"An utterly _fascinating_ para-biological phenomenon!" Donny grinned eagerly as he moved around to start poking at Merry's upper arm. "See, it feels like she has normal flesh here, right?"

Chopper and Donny seemed too caught up in their conjoined science mode to notice the slight amounts of twitching that were starting to occur in Merry's jaw. Some of the crew _did_ notice and exchanged wary glances, but others, like me, had a good idea where this was going, and smirked in anticipation of the inevitable.

"But, then, you press _just_ right…"

Donny's flipper came in for another poke, this time a little faster, and it bounced off her skin.

"It hardens!" Donny said excitedly. "Heck, I think it might even be as tough as her old hull!" Another poke. "I mean, we don't want to test the full extent, of course—" Another poke. "But maybe we can figure out _how_ she's doing this and—!"

"STOP POKING ME ALREADY!" Merry suddenly shouted, grabbing the nearest thing in reach that could pass for a club—that being Mikey's unfortunately-positioned _tail_ —and swinging said club at her tormentors. Chopper had the wherewithal needed to duck, but Donny?

 _THWACK!_

He wound up halfway through the nearest wall of the room. The nearest _solid stone_ wall.

For a moment, we all just stared at the Dugong's lower body protruding from the wall, some of us in shock and others in barely restrained amusement.

"Science is _fun!"_ Su snickered enthusiastically.

"I _beg_ to differ…" Mikey slurred as he hung in Merry's grip, his eyes spinning dizzily.

"What just happened and what just hit me…?" Donny mumbled out through the wall.

" _ **YOU GOT KNOCKED DA FUGG OUT!"**_ Soundbite cackled uproariously.

"Along with a _load_ of overtime on your reaction-time training," Boss informed him with a roll of his eyes.

"Hmph," Merry sniffed petulantly as she dropped Mikey and crossed her arms. "Jackass."

"…Right, then," Chopper coughed in a tone of forced calm as he readjusted his oh-so-slightly askew hat. "So, her body is the size of a child, but still possesses the proportional strength of a caravel. Well, at least she's got nothing to worry about against Mooks, at least."

I coughed slightly into my fist as I glanced away. "I've been using too much trope-speak…" I muttered to myself.

" _Blasphemy!"_ Soundbite scoffed with a grin.

"To clarify…" Raphey popped her flipper up questioningly. "Just _how_ strong would the 'proportional strength of a caravel' be? No offense, Merry, but compared to some battleships…"

"Compared to battleships she might be tiny, yes," Robin nodded in agreement. "But when compared to us, her normal body _was_ measured on an entirely different weight scale. I dare say we should be grateful she doesn't weigh even half as much as she normally does, or else she would have dragged both Cross and Luffy to the bottom with her."

A sweatdrop hung from Merry's skull as she observed Robin. "Glad to see your morbidly disturbed and twisted sense of humor is back in full force, Robin." Her eyes narrowed. "Oh, and if you try to poke me, I promise you that I will snap your arm off."

Robin's expression remained pleasant, but the hand that had been reaching towards Merry promptly disintegrated into petals. "I'm positive that I have absolutely no idea _what_ you're talking about."

A shameless smile stretched across her face, before stretching even _further_ when Vivi and I grabbed her cheeks and tugged.

"Liar~!" we sang, only letting go when a pair of hands thwacked the backs of our skulls.

"Owww…" Robin winced as she rubbed her stinging cheeks before shooting a flustered look at us. "Will you stop… ruining my moments?!"

"You pretty much accepted me as your younger sibling and you no longer have the shadow of death looming over you if I don't act right, so no," I grinned as I folded my arms behind my head.

"And I can't antagonize you in a passive-aggressive manner anymore without feeling like a total bitch for it, so no," Vivi smirked as she crossed her arms triumphantly.

"YER DAYS OF **acting all** _ **cool and mysterious**_ **ARE DEAD AND GONE!"** Soundbite concluded with a chortle.

Robin's eye twitched slightly. "Is it too late to go back to the days where I was aloof and everyone regarded me with suspicion?"

"Considering how we all _saw_ Cross give you a noogie?" Zoro leered at her. "Welcome to the lands of normalcy."

Soundbite and I laughed even _harder_ as Robin's head hung in such a manner to show that she was, without a doubt, _sulking._

"Alright, alright, fun as this is, if you're all done using me as a lab rat and teasing Robin," Merry interjected. "Do you all mind giving me some space, please? I'd like to empty out my cargo ASAP. It…" She shifted around uncomfortably on her bed. "Feels kinda _weird_ with how I am now, you know?"

That served to draw everyone's attention, and Nami was the first to speak up. "Your… cargo? But… er, even disregarding how that's supposed to work when you're this size, didn't Galley-La already unload everything on board while they were fixing you up? All of our stuff is resting in a storage locker a few blocks away."

"Most of it, sure, but they didn't take all the dirt your trees were in," Merry explained with a grimace. She dug her hand into her coat's pocket and withdrew a fistful of dirt, holding it up for us all to see. "It was fine when it was in its box, but everything I had left must have gotten tossed around when I changed, so now it's just making a mess. So, can I…?"

Nami and I exchanged confused glances before I shrugged. "Ah… go ahead?"

Nodding thankfully, Merry dropped the soil on the ground. Then she withdrew _another_ handful from her pocket and dumped it on the ground as well. Then she removed another handful, and another. Finally, sighing in aggravation, she turned the pocket inside out in a cascade of dirt that resulted in a pile as tall as her bed itself, and quite a bit wider.

Merry smiled contentedly once she was done, stretching her arms above her head with a relieved sigh. "Ahh, now _that_ is a whole lot better. Thanks, that just felt scuzzy, and I think that there were a few bugs in it too!"

Nobody said anything on account of our jaws touching the floor due to the sheer… _spectacle_ we'd just witnessed.

"Hmm…" Meanwhile, Merry was preoccupied with tapping her chin thoughtfully. "Now that I think about it, I probably don't need to carry my ballast stones around anymore, either." As such, Merry reached inside her coat and started digging around.

It was at just that moment that the door to the room opened and Paulie walked in. "Yo!" Paulie saluted us casually. "Just thought I'd check up on you since the company's docs said I was in the clear. How're you all—?"

"Got it!" Merry crowed as she pulled a stone-filled crate the size of, well, _her_ out of her raincoat and held it above her head. "Woo! Even while I'm still holding this I feel ten times lighter!"

"…gwagh?" Paulie enunciated intelligently as his cigarette dropped out of his mouth.

Merry dropped the crate onto the soil next to her and was forced to cartwheel her arms in a panic when she almost tipped backwards out of bed as a result. "Woahwoahwoah, forgot about the other ones!" She hastily dug her hands back into her coat. "Where is it, where is it… aha!" She grinned ecstatically as she brought out yet another crate with utter ease. " _There_ we go! _Much_ better! Anyone wanna take this off my hands? Hey, Usopp, catch!"

"…Anybody got a clue as to how the hell someone that small can carry something that big?" the Galley-La rigging master asked weakly.

I drew my attention away from Merry jokingly taking aim at our sniper to give him a flat, incredulous look. "You didn't just say that. You did _not_ just say that. You cannot tell me that _you_ of all people _really_ just said that, Paulie."

"Eh?" The chain-smoker glanced at me in confusion. "'Course I did, why the hell wouldn't I!?"

My eye twitched, and I held out a hand. "Mind letting me see your rope?"

Paulie shrugged indifferently and shook a few feet out of his sleeve. I accepted the line and, before he could react, began pulling. It took a minute flat before I had withdrawn enough to be confused for an anaconda, and it wasn't running out anytime soon.

"I think it's safe to say that my case is resting like a baby," I drawled flatly, everyone else in the room staring at the display with just as much shock.

"…Okay, I'm basically telling physics to go screw themselves by act of Devil Fruit, whereas _you're_ a semi-normal human being," Merry summarized flatly. "And _that_ is enough rope to rig up one of the Marine's blowhard battleships. What's _your_ excuse?"

"I… ah… you see…" Paulie hemmed uncomfortably, his eyes darting around in a clear panic.

Then his arm flashed out, severing the line with a knife before he turned, sprinted—

 _CRASH!_

—and leapt clean through a window as he made a break for it.

Conis stared after him for a bit before tilting her head to the side. "…Why didn't he just use the door?" she questioned in honest curiosity.

"He has experience with debtors," I explained with a sigh as I kneaded the bridge of my nose.

"Personally, I'd really like to know how the heck he managed that," Usopp muttered. "I might have to try looking for him."

I opened my mouth to agree, then froze. "…Actually, I think it would be a better idea to just let it go. Remember what happened last time we tried to look into the finer mechanics of the sudden displacement of mass?"

My co-conspirators and Merry all froze before shivering in utter horror.

"I THOUGHT _we agreed to_ _ **never speak of that**_ **AGAIN!"** Soundbite squawked.

"Right, then!" Chopper piped up hastily. "So, to summarize, Merry's physical capabilities as a caravel have transferred to her human body even without her being in her hybrid form, meaning that she has an exceptional amount of resiliency, perhaps comparable to Luffy's in a pinch; more raw strength than quite a few of us put together, at least when it comes to the matter of lifting; and her storage capacity—"

" **HAMMERSPACE!"**

"Ergh…" I groaned, clawing miserably at my face.

"…that, remains untouched. Alright, so if that's all—"

"Ooh, is that a triple-weave rope? Gimme!" Before we could react, Merry snatched up the end of the rope lying next to her and—

Our jaws promptly crashed into the floor _again_ as Merry proceeded to slurp the rope up like it was one long strand of spaghetti. We could only stare in dumbfounded shock as she swallowed the entire thing, burped, and concluded by leaning back and patting her stomach in satisfaction. "Yummy…"

My eye twitched slightly as I sported a demented smile. "We're gonna be here awhile…"

 **-o-**

So… yeah. Turns out that while Merry was fully capable of eating and enjoying normal human food, her preferred fuel was _cloth_. Canvas was ideal, but she'd happily munch on wool, cotton, linen, hemp, and synthetics, though as an incident with Luffy sleep-punching the air attested, rubber was _thankfully_ not a part of that list.

This had resulted in the most awkward situation Sanji had found himself in to date, as he now had to spend a significant amount of time both shopping for canvas _and_ getting advice from Galley-La on how he was supposed to go about turning it into a gourmet meal. After all, no matter how unorthodox Merry's appetite was, he compared the act of serving her raw cloth to serving all of us raw bread, which was unacceptable for a chef of his caliber.

Merry _tried_ to help him out in the endeavor by informing him she also wouldn't mind some pitch and rope, but honestly, going by how all hope seemed to flee from the chef's already-bleak expression, that little tidbit just served to make matters _worse._

As such, when we had established Merry's… 'personal tastes', Nami, Sanji and, at the chef's insistence (read: desperate pleading), Chopper prepared to go shopping and begin experimenting with the various types of 'cuisine' we'd be dealing with in the future.

On the plus side, at least, Merry wouldn't have to worry about Luffy stealing her food… hopefully, anyways.

However, before they left, I was swift to ask a question.

 **-o-**

"Oh, Chopper?" I piped up as the trio headed for the door. "Just to clarify, the rest of us are clear to leave, right? Well," I jerked my head at where our captain was snoring and Merry was playing pattycake with Conis. "Besides the obvious suspects, of course."

Chopper looked back and gave us all a once-over, his eyes narrowed contemplatively, before nodding in acceptance. "Carue still needs to rest so his legs can heal, but as long as nobody pulls anything _stupid_ like earlier and everyone takes it easy… then yes, the rest of you have clearance."

"Good," Zoro said, shoving himself up from his bed and striding for the door. "In that case, I need to find a blacksmith." He gripped the black-lacquered hilt at his side with a frown. "With any luck, I managed to stop that rust-bastard before he damaged Yubashiri beyond repair."

"Ah…" Raphey raised her flipper uncertainly. "Should someone go with him?"

"If it's involving swords or booze, I think we can trust him to find his own way," I replied cheekily.

Zoro snorted as he left.

As it turned out, we wouldn't see him for the next twelve hours. Don't ask me how, because to this day I dread the mere idea of asking.

"Well, that's that…" Chopper muttered to himself before stiffening as a thought came to him. "Ah… apropos of nothing, I would suggest that Robin have an escort anywhere and everywhere she goes. For… medical reasons," the reindeer hedged, shooting a sidelong glance at the archaeologist.

"Don't worry, Chopper, I'm never leaving again," Robin reassured him with a light smile.

" _But_ just in case," Vivi spoke up in an impish tone as she slid up next to Robin. " _I'll_ stay by her side if she decides to go out shopping. I won't leave her side even once."

Robin regarded the princess in surprise before smiling confidently. "Oh? Are you _quite_ certain that you can keep up, Miss Princess?"

Vivi graced Robin with an imperious smile as she raised her nose in a sniff. " _Quite_ certain. Don't forget that I can make you do whatever I so desire with a mere word, Miss All Sunday."

Robin nodded before adopting a… _sultry_ look!? "I always _did_ wonder about the veracity of the stereotype of nobility having extravagant tastes," she crooned in a _thoroughly_ provocative tone.

Then, before Vivi could react, the archaeologist reached up and brushed her finger along the princess' cheek. "Perhaps you'll be kind enough to… _elaborate_ later," she breathed.

Vivi stammered and flushed helplessly as Robin brushed past her before snapping her finger up with a huff. "Point to you, Robin," she bit out tersely as she wheeled around and stormed out after our crewmate. "Point to you."

"I try," Robin chuckled victoriously as they left the room.

I was silent for a bit as I stared after her in… honestly, I don't know _what_ I was feeling, but nevertheless I got my wits together and eagerly clapped my hands. "Great! Come on, Usopp, let's get going!" I proclaimed as I strode out of the building, as much to try and move things along as to proceed with my day's plan.

The sniper only hesitated for a moment before hurrying to catch up with me. "What're we going to do, Cross?"

…Oh, no way in _hell_ was I passing up _this_ opportunity.

I promptly wheeled around and spread my arms out wide. "The same thing we do _every_ day, Usopp!" I proclaimed extravagantly.

I then adopted a slasher-esque smile as I drew my transceiver's mic from my bag and brandished it.

"Try and make the world a little more _mad."_

 **-o-**

"Doubling the ship's serving area?" Shakky whistled in surprise, clearly impressed. "Are you sure? That's a serious boost!"

"Nyuu, it's not like we have much of a choice!" Hachi chuckled as he scratched the back of his head with one of his hands, the others waving around in embarrassment. "The combination of good food and the SBS being readily available has been bringing in a lot of customers. I thought that the Davy Back Fight attracted a huge crowd, but Enies Lobby? The rush was _insane!"_

The octopus fishman then frowned and crossed his arms as he considered matters. "And of course, chances are that the Straw Hats are going to get into _more_ big fights like that as time goes on, so if I want to be able to keep up with the demand, I need to make a big investment into the business if I want to keep it going."

He sighed as he accepted a glass from his old friend. "I'm also going to have to see about getting an extra pair of hands or two on deck as well, pun recognized; Keimi and Pappug are great, but there just aren't enough warm bodies on Takoyaki 8! We're being stretched way too thin."

"Sorry, Hachi," Rayleigh replied with an apologetic smile. "But this grove cost us an arm and a leg and we've already got our business and our niche going strong. I'm not sure a merger would be that good of an idea."

Hachi sighed. "Yeah, I know, just thought I'd ask. But in that case, who else could I—?"

The ex-pirate suddenly cut himself off, his eyes and mouth slowly widening in realization. He hesitated for a moment as a flash of doubt shot through him, but he mustered his nerve and looked back at the bartender. "Shakky, where do you keep your Transponder Snail?"

" _Don don don don!"_

"Over there," the bartender replied flatly, pointing at the ringing snail while Hachi slumped.

"Nyuuuu… sometimes his timing is awesome," the octopus groused as half his thumbs popped a thumbs-up, while the others jabbed downwards. "Sometimes it really _sucks."_

"Oh, don't worry about it, Hachi. I'm sure that after Enies Lobby, this one won't be nearly as long," Rayleigh chuckled as he stood up from his stool and ambled towards the snail.

"Nyuuu…" Hachi groaned as he massaged his face. "Well, at least there's a bright side: with any luck, the SBS will put him in a good mood so that when I call he doesn't immediately rip me a new one…"

"That's the spirit!" the Dark King laughed as he picked up the snail's speaker.

"… _Broggy, you're no better at faking an accent than I am,"_ an unfamiliar deep voice deadpanned.

" _Seconded,"_ Cross echoed flatly.

" _GO GARGLE SOME MAGMA, YOU BASTARDS!"_ another unfamiliar voice barked.

"Hmm?" Shakky cocked her head curiously. "A couple of guests this time?"

"With one of them being named 'Broggy'…" Rayleigh mused suspiciously.

" _Bosses, please, stop bickering!"_ two more familiar voices pleaded.

"And there are Oimo and Kashi," Hachi noted. "But what do they mean by 'bosses'? They're not working for the Government anymore."

"Unless they mean… ohoho _hoooo…_ " Hachi and Shakky looked at Rayleigh in surprise as he began chuckling. "Why am I even _remotely_ surprised at this point?"

" _They have a point, you know. You should be somewhat careful with what you say. After all—"_ Cross began.

" _You're both live on the SBS!"_

" _ **DON'T STEAL MY SHTICK!"**_ Soundbite roared angrily.

" _DON'T STEAL_ MY _SHOW!"_ Cross followed up.

" _Sorry, but I'm just not sorry! Consider it more payback. And besides, that was_ fun," Usopp snickered.

" _Gegyagyagyagyagya!/Gabababababababa!"_ the show's guests laughed uproariously at the exchange.

" _Ah, it's good to see that no matter how much things change, they always stay the same. Right, Dorry?"_ one of the pair asked with a nostalgic smile.

" _Right you are, Broggy, right you are!"_ the other enthusiastically concurred.

"HA!" Rayleigh barked as he slapped the table in amusement. "I knew it! Damn, those rookies must be some of the luckiest bastards on the seas if they _actually_ managed to find them and live to tell about it!"

"We've already established that they have the sort of luck to throw a hundred and eleven dice and have them all come up sixes," Shakky smirked fondly. "Now come on, come clean, who are they talking to?"

"Wait for it…" Hachi muttered to himself.

" _Ergh… well, anyway, moving on past that little bit… yes, everyone, we of the SBS are back in action! Now, I imagine that you're all probably wondering who I have as guests with me, right?"_

"There it is!" the octopus-fishman laughed.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up…" Shakky grumbled good-naturedly, rolling her eyes.

" _Well, I believe I'll let our resident expert on the matter handle that particular introduction. Usopp, care to do the honors?"_

" _WHA—who, me!? A-Are you—!? Ah… You know what? Sure! Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor as the sniper of the Straw Hat Pirates to introduce you to the biggest role models in my life aside from my father. Hailing from Elbaf, home to the very greatest among those fit to be called Brave Warriors of the Sea, I present the co-captains of the legendary Giant Warrior Pirates—!"_

" _Weighing in at_ _100 Million apiece!"_ Cross commented.

"' _Blue Ogre' Dorry and 'Red Ogre' Broggy!"_

" _To clarify, I'm Dorry!"_ one voice spoke up.

" _And I'm Broggy!"_ finished the other.

" _AND IT'S AN HONOR TO BE HERE!"_ they finished as one.

The introduction had barely finished when Rayleigh fell into gales of laughter, dangerously close to tipping over in his chair. Hachi's eyes, meanwhile, were nearly popping out of his skull as he gaped at the snail. "THE GIANT WARRIOR PIRATES?! I thought they were just a myth!"

"Ohooooh no, Hachi," Rayleigh chortled. "The World Government only _wishes_ they were a bad nightmare! They were and apparently still _are_ as real as you and me!"

Shakky swapped her gaze between her male friends in confusion. "Um… care to clue me in here? I've heard of pretty much every crew on the Grand Line, but the only time I've heard of a crew known as the Giant Warriors was the other day, when Cross named Oimo and Kashi as members. Heck…" She scratched her chin thoughtfully. "Come to think of it, I've never heard of a Giants-only crew, period. They usually fight amongst themselves too often to maintain any kind of stability."

"Ooooh, there was one alright," Rayleigh informed her, his laughter dying down to a chuckle. "And it's no surprise that you haven't heard of them, either. After all, they haven't been operating for a while!"

"'A while' my ass!" Hachi scoffed incredulously. "Shakky, according to the legends the Giant Warrior Pirates disbanded over a _century_ ago! The only reason I even heard about them was Rayleigh, and I thought he was just yanking my arms!"

"Nope, real as real can be," the Dark King confirmed. "A few of my older and… well, _bigger_ drinking buddies told me about them. Had no idea whether their captains were actually alive or dead though, or where they were." He smirked as he nodded his head at the snail. "Guess we know the answer to the first of those questions, right?"

" _Aaaanyways, ladies and gentlemen, allow me to clarify how this happened and what's happening now!"_

 **-o-**

"See," I swayed back and forth a bit on the crate I was sitting on as I considered my words, watching the workers of Galley-La as they went about their work. "We first met up with the good captains early in our pirating career on an island that will remain unnamed for obvious reasons—!"

" **COUGH—** _ **MARINE BASTARDS**_ — **COUGH!"** Soundbite insinuated not-so-subtly.

"And I decided that hey, seeing as I recently managed to finagle the number of the snail _they_ recently acquired, we might as well have ourselves a nice little interview with two of the most prominent figures in pirate history!" I then jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "Also joining us, besides our giant-enthusiast sniper, are two of the crew's heavier-hitting grunts, Oimo the Boar and Kashi the Hawk."

"Hey, ma! I'm still alive!" Oimo laughed happily.

"Brontus, if you can hear me, I haven't forgotten you owe me a load of Beris! Watch your back!" Kashi concurred with just as much enthusiasm.

I snorted lightly at the sheer _banality_ of their reactions before nodding. "Alright, that's enough wind-up, so I'm just gonna go right ahead and jump in with a question concerning some relatively ancient history: Dorry, Broggy, it's safe to say that as the captains of one of the only Giants-only pirate crews to date, you two were quite infamous in your day, right?"

" _Gabababa! You better believe it!"_ Broggy laughed proudly.

" _Our crew was relatively small, only thirty all told, but when it's thirty_ giants? _Giants from_ Elbaf, _no less?_ " Dorry grinned. " _Well, let's just say that we didn't take long to stop counting how many Marine bases we toppled."_

" _Though that was mostly because only half of us knew how to count!"_ Broggy snorted.

" _That too!"_ Dorry laughed in agreement.

"Well, then, in that case, I just have to wonder…" I tilted my head in confusion. "How come your bounties were only ฿100 million each?"

" _ONLY?!"_

 _That_ turned out to be a mistake as the two captains bellowed through Soundbite, nearly bowling me over with their volume, although their tones were more incredulous than offended.

" _What alien world are you living on, you dope?!"_ Broggy demanded.

" _Yeah! Don't you know that_ _100 million is nothing short of a fortune!?"_ Dorry concurred.

"B-Bosses, hold on!" Oimo spoke up hastily. "I, ah, I don't understand all of it, lots of big words and we were stuck on Enies and all, but apparently the Government's changed its policies on bounties in the last hundred years. We talked with a lot of people while we were standing guard, and a lot of the more decorated guys said that 100 million was selling you both short."

"Plus you were out of commission for a full century, and considering how the world's economy is primarily fueled by human interests, then the value of the Beri has probably changed over the years, too," Usopp mused.

" _How the hell_ **do you know that, LONG NOSE!?"** Soundbite questioned incredulously.

"He got tutored by someone who knew what _she_ was talking about!" I cut in with a smirk before Usopp could respond, causing him to splutter furiously.

Before he could say jack, however, a _distinct_ whistle coming from Soundbite interrupted him.

" _Ohohoh, what's this? The Brave Warrior of the Sea has a little lady friend waiting for him back home?"_ Broggy smirked mischievously.

" _GEGYAGYAGYAGYA! No wonder he wants to become so impressive!"_ Dorry guffawed.

Usopp fell silent as his face matched Chopper's hat hue for hue, Soundbite providing a whistling noise from his ears in between his cackles.

"Heheheh," Kashi snickered into his fist as he tried to sober up. "A-Anyway! Getting back on topic! Boss Dorry, Boss Broggy, going by what the Marines told us in their spare time, your bounties to modern standards should be somewhere around, eh…" He waved his hand side to side. "Somewhere around 300 mil? _Apiece."_

Silence reigned as we processed that particular tidbit.

"Holy _shit,"_ I whistled in awe.

"NO DOI!" Soundbite concurred.

"That's three times Luffy's bounty!" Usopp exclaimed, before cutting himself off with a hesitant look. "Er… what his bounty _was_ before we burned Enies Lobby to the ground, I mean."

" _Three hundred million…"_ Broggy breathed in awe.

" _That's the biggest bounty I've ever heard of…"_ Dorry concurred in the same tone.

Soundbite then fell silent as he adopted an oddly pensive expression.

"Uh…?" I hedged in confusion.

"No thinkin' about turnin' each other in, collectin' each others' bounties and breakin' out, bosses!" Kashi warned hastily. "It didn't work out the last five times!"

Usopp and I promptly faceplanted in shock.

"So much for the Warriors of Elbaf having any brains between them…" I groaned.

"My beloved world image…" Usopp sobbed miserably. "It's shattered… Tinkling away into stardust…"

" _Oh, come on, that was a hundred years ago!"_ Broggy protested. " _And it looks like the Marines have only gotten stupider while we were gone! I'm sure it could work this time!"_

I glanced up with an irritated glare. "Maybe so, but even stupidity has limits when you double dipsticks just _broadcast it to the whole world."_

"… _Blast it all,"_ the pair muttered despondently.

"AS IF IT WOULD ACTUALLY WORK IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Usopp and I barked indignantly.

" _YOU BRATTY LITTLE SON OF A—Dot dot dot dot!"_ Soundbite suddenly cut himself off as he started ringing with a cackle. " _Dot dot dot dot!_ **Heh,** _ **how much ya wanna bet**_ _that—Dot dot dot dot!—this is_ AN INSULT?"

I pulled myself together just enough to give an indifferent shrug. "Eh, maybe, maybe not. After the near-miss with that smiling lunatic, I think it's pretty clear you can never be sure who's going to call in. Still, though, could be fun!" And with that, I clicked the appropriate button. "Hello, you've reached the SBS!"

" _Glad to be here,"_ said a gruff voice. " _But sorry, this is about as far away from an insult as you can get; I never thought I'd have the chance to speak to the great Dorry and Broggy."_

" _Oh?"_ Broggy asked curiously. " _And who would you be?"_

" _My name is Hajrudin, another giant born and raised on Elbaf. I'm 79 years old, so while I'm after your time, I've grown up hearing the tales of the Giant Warrior Pirates, and I've always looked up to you two."_

I managed to suppress my surprise at hearing exactly _who_ we were talking to as the co-captains responded to his statement.

" _Gabababa! Glad to hear that the next generation is getting a decent education!"_ Broggy bellowed proudly.

Dorry, meanwhile, was somewhat more skeptical. " _Who_ exactly _has been telling our stories? Because if any of them are from Loco Lokos, I am telling you now that I was drunk out of my mind and from behind that guy looked like a—!"_

" _T-There are a lot of different stories from a lot of different warriors!"_ Hajrudin coughed hastily. " _But, ah, there's one tale that none have ever decided to share: where did you two disappear to all those years ago, and why? Oimo and Kashi went looking for you fifty years ago, but the original reason for the dissolution of the greatest crew to sail from the shores of Elbaf yet remains a mystery! Would you be so kind as to honor us with what you've been doing?"_

A pause fell for a moment, to which the two Ogres let out wistful sighs.

" _Well, in all honestly, it wasn't fully by choice that we disbanded the crew,"_ Dorry said. " _It was great fun and excitement sailing the seas, fending off any man or beast who would seek to fight us. And the parties! Oh, Elbaf's best grog was the perfect end to a day of battles."_

" _But we had no choice in the end,"_ Broggy sighed longingly. " _For you see, one day Dorry and I came to a disagreement. Neither of us was willing to back down, and we placed our prides on the line to prove ourselves right! As such… we had no choice but to engage in a duel of honor. We fought each other with as much strength and valor as we could bring to bear!"_

" _But unfortunately, a problem arose,"_ Dorry shook his head solemnly. " _As it turns out, Broggy and I were equally matched in strength, so our duel ended in a draw. But as you well know, that will not suffice to satisfy the might Elbaf! So we fought again… and it resulted in yet another draw. Realizing that this would not end anytime soon, we sequestered ourselves on an uninhabited island so that we might settle our duel in peace! And so, for the past century we have remained faithful to the laws of Elbaf. 73,770 duels have we fought!"_

" _And 73,770 draws have they brought,"_ Broggy concurred.

" _And so it will go until we determine a victor!"_ the two finished in unison.

Silence reigned for a bit as everyone processed that proclamation. It was Hajrudin finally broke it.

" _You disbanded the Giant Warrior Pirates… for a duel…"_ the younger giant breathed slowly. " _It seems that the stories I heard were not accurate."_

My heart skipped at least three beats as I heard Hajrudin, future commander of the Straw Hat Grand Fleet, say those words. If I had in any way managed to screw up the dreams of a future comrade—!

Then Soundbite burst out sobbing tears of manly joy. " _FOR TRULY NO MERE WORDS CAN DESCRIBE JUST HOW TRULY THE BOTH OF YOU MANAGE TO ENCAPSULATE THE MIGHT AND HONOR OF ALMIGHTY ELBA-A-AAAAF!"_ Hajrudin wept rapturously.

My head jerked downwards as a sweatdrop suddenly hung itself from my skull. Right, this was a _future Straw Hat_ we were talking about here, however tangential his membership might have been. I had been worried _why,_ exactly?

Ugh, whatever. I could berate myself for stupidity later, right now I needed to focus on the entire reason I'd tapped these two for an interview in the first place.

"So, if I may interject?" I spoke up. "As a human with little to no knowledge of the laws of Elbaf, I was wondering: is there really no way to end the duel until one of you wins? And it's only to the death?"

" _Mmm… well, there is_ one _alternative,"_ Broggy admitted. " _It hasn't been used in centuries because of how uncommon it is for a duel to go beyond a single match, and the last instance I can think of resulted in both participants dying at the same time, but nevertheless, the laws are clear: in the event of a draw… the duel can end if_ both _combatants are willing to concede. If Dorry and I both stood down and recognized the other's honor, that would be sufficient for Elbaf."_

" _But that's not an option at this stage,"_ Dorry continued with a snort. " _For over the course of the past century, we have forgotten why our duel began in the first place! For us to concede without knowing_ what _we were willing to stake our honor on would be the epitome of disgrace. But we can be reasonably sure that it must have been something important if neither of us were willing to stand down in the early years of our duels."_

I huffed in aggravation at the expected answer, and shot a look of askance up at the giants physically beside me. "Oimo, Kashi? What about you two?"

"Mmm… honestly, I can't remember it either," Kashi admitted.

"We giants might live long, but even our memories have limits," Oimo shrugged helplessly. "Sorry."

I exhaled sharply, and to Usopp and Soundbite, it was no doubt obvious that I was resisting the urge to simply spill what I knew. But still, if I couldn't get them to remember matters the _direct_ way… "Alright, alright…" I muttered to myself before speaking up in what I hoped was a convincingly chipper tone. "Ah well, it was worth a shot! Seeing as we've hit a wall on that subject, let's move onto other topics! Now, while I can't share the name of your island, I do actually have some questions about it! Like, say…" I grinned as I slowly tilted my head to the side. "Those 'mountains' the two of you live in! They look pretty weird, if I'm being honest, and I say that by Grand Line standards! Do you have any idea what that's all about?"

" _Ah, yes, our homes away from home!"_ Broggy chuckled proudly. " _Quite impressive, aren't they? Majestic and imposing, just how we like them back on Elbaf! And they're huge even by our standards, nearly spanning the entire length of the is… land… huh. Ya know, now that I actually take a second to look at them, they actually look kinda familiar. Like… skulls, maybe?"_ Broggy frowned in confusion. "… _Wait a second, that's ringing a bell…"_

" _Skulls… and that hunting contest between your crewmates sounded familiar as well…"_ Dorry murmured, clenching his eyes shut as he tilted his head to the side.

Silence fell, and I kept my hope hidden behind a carefully neutral expression. At least, up until Soundbite began quietly humming the damn _Jeopardy!_ theme and he responded to my acrid glare with a silent cackle.

Still, I suppose that music _was_ somewhat appropriate.

" _THAT'S IT!"_

Because not a second later we all jumped as the two Ogres shouted in unison.

" _Of course, now I remember! Those aren't mountains at all!"_ Broggy bellowed victoriously. " _Those are sea king skeletons! Way back in the day, we both killed a sea king in single combat, and while we were celebrating our victory at a nearby human village—!"_

"— _That little farm girl came up and asked us which one of them was bigger!"_ Dorry picked up eagerly. " _We laid them out side-by-side on Lit—ah, on this island to figure it out, but neither of us could agree on whose was bigger! And since neither of us was willing to back down, we began dueling!"_

" _And that's how it all started!"_ they concluded in unison.

I sighed in relief, not bothering to conceal it, though I promptly fell over a moment later due to a sudden earthquake. Looking around, I saw that the cause was Oimo and Kashi having face-faulted… along with Usopp, and Soundbite, and probably everyone _else_ who'd just heard their little tale.

"WE WENT THROUGH FIFTY YEARS OF INDENTURED SERVITUDE BECAUSE OF A _FISHING COMPETITION?!"_ the pair roared indignantly.

" _I have to say, even_ I'm _sort of disappointed in hearing that such a glorious duel had such a mediocre catalyst,"_ Hajrudin muttered despondently.

"My world view… shattered… _again…"_ Usopp wept sadly.

"SERIOUSLY, _who would_ _ **be willing to**_ **fight for THAT LONG OVER** _ **SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!"**_ Soundbite barked.

"Zoro and Sanji," I deadpanned.

"… _ **Withdrawn."**_

"I feel better now," Usopp said as he snapped back to his feet looking none the worse for wear.

I took a second to snicker at the actions before refocusing at the task at hand. "Alright, so, now that you've remembered the origins of your duel, do you think that you can move on?"

" _HELL NO!"_

I wasn't even _surprised_ at this point, because _of course_ there was no way in hell it would be that easy.

" _There is no way in all the six seas that I will ever concede to the idea that Broggy managed to catch a sea king bigger than mine!"_ Dorry protested indignantly.

" _You wish!"_ Broggy fumed proudly. " _Mine was clearly the larger of the two, I am the obvious victor!"_

" _NEITHER OF US AGREES TO CONCEDE! THIS DUEL WILL CONTINUE!"_

"Oi vey…" I bemoaned, pinching the bridge of my nose as I tried to work things out. Great, with the two of them so gung ho and the Sea Kings long-since rotted, there was no way in hell we'd be able to come to a conclusion in a straightforward manner, so how—?

…now _there_ was a thought…

"Before you two start beating one another's faces in!" I spoke up hastily, cutting into the pair's argument. "Do you mind if I at _least_ try and change the basis of your conflict a bit?"

" _Eh?"_ The Red and Blue Ogres paused in their argument in favor of looking at me in confusion. " _Whaddaya mean?"_

"Well, look, you guys have been pirates on the Grand Line for a while, right?" I posited. "And that means you've no doubt fought many humans who've been able to give you a run for your money. As such, I think it's safe to say that it's not _size_ that matters when it comes to combat, but rather the sheer strength and power that something has withi—"

" _ **POWEEEEEEER!"**_

I jumped at the sudden voice bursting through Soundbite, who seemed just as shocked. " _TERRY?_ I DIDN'T EVEN _**RING!"**_

" _BEAR GLOVE IS TOO_ POWERFUL _TO BE SLOWED DOWN BY MERE TECHNOLOGYYYYY!"_

" _Would you kindly silence yourself, you musclebound buffoon? We're witnessing something only slightly more momentous than my own incredibly lustrous plumage,"_ Isaiah's baritone cut in.

" _BOTH OF YOU SHUT IT!"_ Drake bellowed indignantly, followed by a decisive _KA_ - _LICK._

I ground my fist into my forehead. "I never thought I could feel so much annoyance towards Old Spice," I hissed. "Ugh… anyway, where was I?"

" _Something about strength meaning more than size in combat,"_ Hajrudin provided.

"Right, thanks. Anyway, do you two agree with me?"

" _But of course!"_ Dorry snorted in an almost insulted manner. " _We have fought many opponents over the years, larger than us and smaller alike, and all too often have we felled larger beings with ease while almost dying at the hands of mere humans!"_

" _It is not size that matters, but the strength held within an entity's frame, no matter how big or how small!"_ Broggy asserted firmly.

I grinned victoriously as I recognized that I had them where I wanted them. ' _Jackpot.'_ "Well, then, in that case," I spread my arms calmly. "I'd say that it's pretty damn obvious that your duel's been a draw right from the onset!"

"… _come again?"_ the two asked in confusion.

My grin widened bit by bit as I felt my blood pressure ramp up from my ever-approaching victory. "Honestly, you two, think about it. Soundbite, what did they say the count was?"

" _Seventy-three thousand_ _ **seven hundred and seventy**_ _,"_ he responded in Dorry and Broggy's voices.

"Exactly. That many duels, day after day for the last _100 years,_ and in all of that time, _neither of you_ gained _any_ headway? If there's one thing obvious from a track record like that, it's this: you're perfect equals in strength, and always have been. As such!" I snapped my finger up. "We can equally assume that those two Sea Kings you defeated were _also_ perfectly equal in strength, with neither being any stronger than the other!"

Dead silence fell as my words sunk in. Oimo and Kashi's jaws slowly dropped as the penny hit, and small squeaks were escaping from Usopp as he twitched in place. From Soundbite's movements, it seemed as though Dorry and Broggy were slowly turning their heads to stare at one another. The silence stretched on for almost a minute.

Then, I turned my attention to my fellow crewmates. "Usopp… and you too, Hajrudin. Would you care to do the honors?"

Credit where it was due, the pair was quick to get their collective acts together.

" _I-I, Hajrudin Hammerfist, a-as an impartial witness and a proud warrior of Elbaf—!"_

"A-A-And, I Usopp, a-a-as sni… as _king_ of snipers, crewmate of the Straw Hat Pirates and a Brave Warrior of the Seas—!"

" _We declare that in light of new information, the honor duel between Red Ogre Broggy and Blue Ogre Dorry…"_

There was a moment as they sucked in deep breaths, and then… they said it.

"WE HEREBY DECLARE THEIR DUEL!" they roared as one. "TO BE NULL AND VOID! _IT'S A DRAAAAAAAAAW!"_

Of course, the second those words escaped their mouths, several other people began roaring as well. More specifically?

"GEGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYA/GABABABABABABABABABABABA!"

The subjects of the duel in question. Soundbite was nearly tearing his own jaw out with how hard he was laughing, but furthermore, he was also sobbing his little heart out.

" _W-W-We're free, Dorry!"_ Broggy hiccupped gratefully. " _Y-Y-You hear that!? W-WE'RE FREE-EE-EEE!"_

" _W-We don't have to kill each other!"_ Dorry wept through his smile. " _W-We can go back to the sea! Back to our adventures! WE CAN GO BACK TOGETHER!"_

"B-B-Bosses…" Oimo blubbered euphorically. "D-Does this mean—?"

"A-Are you sayin'," Kashi wheezed out. "What we _think_ you're sayin'!?"

"Say it!" I goaded. "Say it here and say it now, loud and proud for all the world to hear!"

 **-o-**

" _GLADLY!"_ the Red and Blue Ogres chorused. " _HEAR US, PEOPLE OF THE WORLD! AS OF THIS MOMENT, AFTER NEARLY ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF ABSENCE, OUR MIGHTY CREW, RENOWNED THE WORLD OVER, THE GIANT WARRIOR PIRATES…"_

"Ohh, dear," Kizaru muttered as he fingered his neck brace with the hand on his cast-free arm. "And I thought they couldn't possibly follow up with another massive attack so soon after Enies Lobby." He turned his wheelchair to the side, angling his cast-encased leg in such a manner so that he could glance out the window of his office. "I wonder how much impact _this_ will have…"

" _HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN REFORMED!_ _ **RAAAAAAAGH!"**_

" _ **RAAAAAAAAAAGH!"**_

Kizaru felt a line of sweat break out on his brow as the Ogres' battle cry was echoed from several places across the seat of Marine power. "Guess that answers _that,_ huh? Tsk, damn demon and his damn big mouth, he's nothing but trouble. It would really be a good idea if I just warped over to the island and killed him before he even saw me coming."

He shrugged, shifting his limbs about in their casts as he sighed, leaning back in his wheelchair and letting his eyes drift shut. "Too bad I had to injure myself this badly. Ah, well. At least Sengoku can't be mad at me for this."

" _ **BOOORSAAALIIINOOO!"**_

The light-man cracked his eyes open with an unnerved expression. "Then again, I _have_ been battin' pretty badly so far…"

 **-o-**

" _HAJRUDIN!"_ the co-captains barked suddenly.

"S-SIRS!" the 'young' giant responded.

" _As it stands, even with our old crewmates returning to our flag, chances are that we will be left somewhat shorthanded,"_ Broggy summarized solemnly before donning a massive (you know what I mean) grin. " _As such, we are currently recruiting. Interested?"_

Hajrudin's jaw practically cracked the ground in shock. " _A-Are you serious?"_ he whispered in awe.

" _We'll take that as a yes!"_ Broggy guffawed. " _Spread the word to all of Elbaf's new generation, whoever hasn't already heard us by now: as of now, we're accepting new blood with open arms!"_

" _Ah-I-I… I… I WOULD BE HONORED, MY CAPTAINS!"_

" _Gababababa! Excellent! Now, Oimo, Kashi—!"_

" _Ah, actually!"_ Dorry interjected hastily. " _Would you mind if we took a break? We need to plan this out properly, and bullheaded as we might be, allowing the whole world a peek at our playbooks probably wouldn't work out as well for us as it does for you."_

"My faith is restored," Usopp breathed in euphoria.

"Heh, sure thing, you guys," I waved my hand casually. "Ladies and gentlemen, time for an intermission, and I think we know the best way to fill that space, don't we?"

" **Yay!** _ **Time for**_ _SOUNDBITE'S music cor—KCH!_ **HEY, WHAT THE DEU—** _ **KCCCCH!**_ OH, NOT THIS AGAI—K-K-KCCCCHHH _HHHHAPAPAPAPAAAAA! DID YOU MISS ME, WORLD?"_

I hid a snicker behind by fist. "Good timing," I muttered _sotto voce._

" _What can I say, an entertainer's got instincts!"_ Apoo whispered back. " _Anyway, I'll call in to talk with you later. For now, though… APAPAPAPAAAA!"_ My 'rival' roared at full blast. " _YES, WORLD, IT'S ME, APOO, THE ROAR OF THE SEAS, HERE TO DO AS I PLEASE!"_

"GET OFF _**my frequency,**_ **you long-armed** _WANNABE!_ _**I WANT MY**_ **MUSIC CORNER!"** Soundbite half-roared, half-whined.

" _Apapa! I have a better idea! WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A HIKE?!"_

" **NONONO—** _ **KCCCCCHHHHH!"**_

" _There we go!"_ Apoo laughed victoriously. " _Alright, now that_ that _pest has been dealt with, we can finally begin! The show you've all been waiting for, Apoo's Music Hour!"_

"Well! Now that that's dealt with," I said, smirking and clapping my hands as Apoo began playing his song. "You were saying, Broggy?"

" _Uh… right…"_ The Red Ogre hesitated momentarily before shaking his head and getting back on track. " _As I was saying! Oimo, Kashi, for starters… at a guess, the_ Valhalla—?"

"The best mead hall in all of Elbaf!" Kashi boasted proudly.

"But, uh…" Oimo waved his hand before his face with a wince. "Not seaworthy anymore. Sorry."

" _Bah, we suspected it after the first few decades,"_ Broggy sighed fondly. " _At least the old warrior is resting in peace with happy warriors in his belly. That's all we can ask."_

" _But if that's the case…"_ Dorry muttered thoughtfully. " _You two are still in Water 7, correct?"_

"Aye, sirs!" the pair saluted.

" _And their quality hasn't dropped over the years?"_

" _If anything, sirs, it's gotten better!"_ Hajrudin cut in swiftly. " _Even in the New World, Water 7 is acknowledged as the capital of shipwrights! None surpass it!"_

" _Perfect!"_ Broggy barked joyously. " _Stay put there, then, and Hajrudin, bring our new recruits there as well, and spread the word to the old guard while you're at it! The Giant Warrior Pirates will reunite on Water 7, our first task being to commission a new vessel for a new era!"_

" _What's a pirate without a ship?"_ Dorry agreed. And then his face fell. " _Though, uh, we might be a bit late. It'll take some time for us to build a raft big enough to hold the both of us, and the only Log we have is the Eternal one to Elbaf, so…"_

"Don't even worry about it!" I reassured them. "I'll call in a favor from one of my friends and get them to swing around and pick you up! There should be no prob—OW!" I yelped as Soundbite chomped on my unarmored fingers. I glared at him for a moment, but his own glare got his point across. "Ah… right, almost forgot. See, these friends of mine _might_ seem disconcerting at first glance, but I swear to you, if they say Ophiuchus sent them, you've got nothing to worry about."

" _You… You'd really be willing to do that for us?"_ Broggy asked incredulously.

"Of course!" Usopp spoke up before I could. "We're allies and we're fellow Warriors of the Sea, why _wouldn't_ we be willing?"

"What he said," I concurred with a smile. "Anyway, I'll take care of everything once we're done, but for now… You guys up for continuing the interview?

" _But of course!"/ "No question!"_

A glance at Soundbite prompted him to let out a quiet series of clicks, and Apoo subsequently began winding down his track.

" _Apapapapa! That should do for now, time to get back to the spoils of the Marine ships! Nothing tastes better than someone else's food!"_

"—DAAAAH! _Huff… huff… WELL, HE'S GONE!_ _ **I'm back.**_ **NOW, we return to the regularly scheduled—** "

"—interview with Dorry and Broggy."

"I'M BEING GYPPED!" Soundbite snarled.

"'Cut' might be more appropriate, seeing as for all that I'm your partner, I'm also your _boss,"_ I snickered.

"I resent that!"

"Not talking to you, literal-leatherneck!" I called out, not even bothering turning to look at the inadvertently-named Dugong as he passed by, re-donning my smiling and clasping my hands together. "So! Where were we?"

 **-o-**

The rest of the interview was certainly interesting, especially from a historical point of view, but overall, it proved to be pretty uneventful, and I ended the SBS soon after its conclusion. From there, Oimo and Kashi had resumed helping Galley-La rebuild the city, as well as passing on a request for them to start drawing up blueprints for a ship worthy of giants. Iceburg had had an odd gleam in his eye as he heard that request. I put it off to a unique challenge.

Usopp had left after that to actually make use of his ฿2 million in spending money, while Soundbite and I had decided to simply return to our living quarters, where I learned both good news and… well, not bad, but unexpected.

Good news, Merry had feeling back in her legs and was up and out of her bed, even if she was on crutches.

The unexpected news, however…

 **-o-**

"Nononoooo _oomph!"_ Merry grunted, lying prone for a moment before opening her eyes and glaring into the floorboards. "This is _embarrassing…"_ she ground out irritably. "I'm a _child_ , not a _baby._ Why am I having so much trouble _walking?"_

"Because," I huffed as I slid my hands beneath her shoulders and lifted her back onto her feet. "Just like Conis, you've only ever had _sea legs_ your entire life. Even without the crutches, you'd still be tripping from trying to overbalance _and_ from trying to learn how to walk at all. I know it sucks, but…" I clapped her shoulders reassuringly before taking a kneeling position before her. "All we can do is press on, right?"

Merry grumbled melancholically beneath her breath before heaving a weary sigh. "Yeah, I know, I know. No pain, no gain…" She was silent for a second before cracking a slight smile. "At least I know you'll always be there to catch me, right?"

"Unless it's funny," I corrected with a smirk.

"THEN WE JUST STAND BACK _and laugh!"_ Soundbite cackled.

Merry twitched slightly at that, a scowl flashing across her face before she suddenly let loose with the waterworks. "Cooooo _niiiiis,"_ she whined in a distinctly childish tone. "Cross and Soundbite are picking on me!"

I blinked in confusion. "Eh—?"

"Sorry, Cross."

"Wait, wha—!?"

 _THUMP!_

"YEOW!" I yelped, clutching the goose egg I was suddenly sporting.

"But to be fair, you _are_ making a little girl cry," Conis sniffed as she hefted the bazooka she'd been polishing.

" **Merry used Fake Tears!"** Soundbite chortled. " **It's** _ **only halfway**_ **effective!"**

"Wanna bet?"

" _Say wha—AAAAAGH!"_

"Tseeheeheehee!" Su cackled as she laid on her back and spun Soundbite in her paws. "Punishing you guys is _fun!"_

" **PUT ME DOWN!** _ **YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME when I'm**_ REVENGENING!"

"Seriously, you wouldn't," I smirked at Su. "You weren't here at the time, but Merry knows just how deep Soundbite's ire goes. As an example… Jaya?"

"AAAGH!" the erstwhile ship howled in agony as she grabbed her ears. "Damn it, Cross, I'm already suffering from physical trauma, don't pack mental scarring on there as well!"

"Don't mentally scar kids, Cross," Boss noted absentmindedly as he carefully detailed the scroll of seaweed he was inscribing.

"I beg to differ!" Donny barked indignantly as he rubbed his skull. "I say that mental scars will match perfectly with the remnants of my concussion!"

"My fractured ribcage agrees with— _YEOW!"_ Mikey yelped as a metal hook bounced off his skull.

"Less talking, more working on your flexibility," Boss ordered without looking up. "Either you manage to pull off the Nori Arts by tonight, or I'll limber up your skeletons myself."

"But _Booooss!"_ the orange-bandanna'd fighter whined pitifully. "This is totally impossible! You pulled off bending that way because you're a total monster, but we're _normal!_ We can't just—!"

"Woohoo, this is fun!"

"—abuhwah?" Mikey said intelligently as he snapped his gaze over to Raphey in shock.

The dugong in question was flowing like a strand of seaweed caught in a current around Mikey. "Heck, it's more than fun! It's easy!"

"But _how!?"_

"Eh, I guess that girls are just more flexible than boys." Raphey shot a violence-filled grin at Boss. "Hey, mind if I help Mikey loosen up?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever makes you happy," the older dugong replied dismissively.

"Wait, _wha—!?"_ CRACK! " _YEARGH!"_

"Thaaat's right!" Raphey cackled as she bent Mikey over her shoulders, eliciting more than a few pops and snaps from his joints. "Just loosen up! Let aaaall the tension flow right out of you!"

"THE TENSION IS RIPPING ME IN HALF!"

"Sounds like a 'you' problem. Maybe if I pull _harder?"_

"AAARGH!"

Donny's eye twitched fearfully as he watched his comrades go at it. "I don't know what scares me more, that this is _normal_ for them or the idea that I might be next."

"Personally?" Leo mumbled out through the mummy's worth of bandages he was wrapped in. "I'm more concerned about ever being able to move at _all."_

"Don't think you're excluded just because of your injuries, Leo," Boss commented. "I want your Shell Body up to specs once you get out of there."

"Yes, sir…"

"Attaboy."

I rolled my eyes at the dugongs' interactions before turning my attention to Boss. "Say, not to tell you how to teach your students, Boss, but could I suggest having them change their focus?"

"Why?" the older Dugong asked, finally glancing up from his scroll.

"It's just, well," I shrugged helplessly. "Between the Full Shell Style, your hook and your all-around strength, you have all ranges from long to short covered, whereas they—"

"—are confined to short, damn it!" Boss cursed furiously as he shot to his tail and hastily stuffed his scroll in his shell. "Alright, boys, change of plans! Raphey, drop Mikey and grab Leo! We're going out _now_ and we're not coming back until we've got your bases damn _covered!"_

"HA!" Mikey barked joyously as he slipped out of Raphey's grasp. "Now _I_ have the upper hand!" He snatched his pistols out of his holsters and spun them by their triggers. "I've already got long-range covered, so I can just kick back and— _WAGH!"_

"Practice on your all-around proficiency with those things until you're about as good as Conis or Usopp?" Boss finished as he hauled Mikey along by his tail. "Couldn't agree more! _NOW GET A MOVE ON!"_ And with that—

"YEARGH!"

—he flung his student out the window Paulie had already broken earlier and followed after him, with Donny and a Leo-carrying Raphey right behind him.

I blinked slowly as I tried to process what the _hell_ had just happened before turning back to Merry. "So, you still ready to go?"

Merry shifted uncomfortably on her bed before plastering an uneasy grin on her face. "Does… anyone _else_ have anything they can do to delay things a bit longer?"

Silence.

She sighed wearily as she prepared herself. "Yeah, didn't think so." She swung her legs off of her bed, positioned the crutches on the floor, and slowly put her weight on her legs. She grimaced with visible pain and effort, but she stood. Then, slowly, she put one foot in front of the other, moving her crutches appropriately as she did so.

"Two," she muttered as she took another step. "Three. Four. Fivvvve… siiiaaaah!"

I caught her as she pitched forward, smiling proudly as I patted her back. The part that _wasn't_ a mess of scar tissue, to be specific. "That was great, Merry!"

"That was six. Lousy. Steps…" she muttered acridly into my shoulder.

"And when you try again you'll manage seven, then eight, then ten, and _then_ you'll start doing it without crutches," I continued for her. "Come on, you'll make it with hard work, you know you will! I mean, just look at me!"

"W-Well…" Merry glanced hesitantly to the side.

"Come on, you know I know what I'm talking about!" I scoffed as I helped her back onto her bed. "I mean, look at the aftermath of Eneru! First it took me awhile to get my limbs moving again without agony, and then it took me awhile to get over my astraphobia, flash by flash and rumble by rumble, but look at me now!" I spread my arms confidently. "Ain't no phobia got no strings on me!"

It was at that instant that the door to the house slammed open with a thunderous rumble. " _Cross."_

I promptly snapped to attention, cold sweat streaming down my face. "I did nothing wrong and/or am being framed."

"Bullshit," Lassoo promptly scoffed.

"Malarkey," Merry nodded solemnly.

"I don't twust you as faw ash I can kick you," Carue spoke up, pointedly twitching his cast-bound legs before falling back into his snoring.

"I'm sorry, Cross, but they do have a point," Conis smiled apologetically.

"TSEEHEEEHEEHEEHEEEEE!" Su cackled _un-_ apologetically.

" **I love** _this crew!"_ Soundbite breathed.

I twitched viciously as I swept a glare over my crewmates. "You're all _dead to me,_ " I vowed before spinning on my heel and plastering a smile on my face. "What's up, Nam— _eep!"_

My false smile shattered into shards of terror in the face of our navigator's expression. Sure, she _looked_ perfectly calm and peaceful, smiling with a serenity befitting of Vivi herself, and I might have even bought it too… were it not for the roiling storm front looming around her, snapping and crackling from where it was hanging over us.

I swallowed fearfully before looking at Nami's… general direction, because for the _life_ of me I could not look her in the eyes. "I-I-Is something wrong, Nami?" I squeaked in a tone of thoroughly forced calm.

"Cross," Nami repeated as she crossed her arms and tilted her head to the side _just_ so. "Would you care to explain exactly _why,_ in the middle of my shopping with Sanji and Usopp, we were delivered a _literal_ half-ton of rugs in _your_ name?"

My fear faltered in the face of the sheer _randomness_ of the statement, prompting me to blink at her in confusion. "Rugs? Uh… sounds like a prank to me, I don't remember buying _anything_ in the city. I mean, I didn't even get a chance thanks to the—ohh, that's right." I scratched the back of my head with an embarrassed grimace. "Look, I'm sorry, but it was an accident, alright? When the Unluckies jumped us a few days back, I crashed into that guy's stall and going by the shotgun he was sporting, he had a 'you break it you buy it' policy, and he did _not_ like people skimping on the bill."

My dread gone, I shrugged apologetically instead. "Look, I'm sorry that I used money from the briefcase, alright? I know it was for our new ship, but it was an emergency. You can take it out of my share of the money, I doubt I'll be buying too much with it anyways. And besides, it's not like we won't have anyplace to put them, right?"

All throughout my explanation, Nami nodded along and hummed in agreement. "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, that's exactly right, Cross. I've already deducted that charge from your cut. All of what you just said is fair, but, you see…"

Soundbite and I flinched in terror as the clouds above us rumbled ominously.

"You're overlooking _one_ little detail," Nami chirped pleasantly as she loomed over us and held a paper up for me to see. "You still have to pay for the _rest_ of the damages."

"The rest of the whaaa _aaaaah shite_ ," I started to parrot before finishing in a squeak as I scanned over the paper, which turned out to be a table of said financial damages.

"Ohhh, you know," Nami slowly tilted her head to the side, her paralyzed smile remaining ever-present. "The damages that resulted from your little _romp_ with your little friends? Now, of course, Iceburg is covering all the _property_ damage, since he's dealing with that anyway from CP9 and Aqua Laguna." Her smile stretched to truly Cheshire-ish proportions. " _But that still leaves the merchandise."_

"Hohoho, this is _hilarious!"_ Merry chuckled eagerly. "Just how bad is it?"

"Lemme take a looksee!" Su hastily scrambled up my back and peered over my shoulder. "And the final count is—!" The cloud fox stared at the paper for a moment before affixing me with a flat look. "You're fucked."

"Su!" Conis gasped as she snatched up her companion. "I'm sure that's not even _remotely_ true! Now, let me just take a look and…" Conis lapsed into silence as her jaw steadily dropped. "…Holy _shit,_ Cross."

A strangled wheeze dragged its way out of my throat. That… was not a small number I was looking at. Rather, it was a big number. A very, very, _very_ big number.

" _THAT MUCH FOR CABBAGES?!_ **No wonder his** CART WAS FULL!" Soundbite spat indignantly.

"Maybe so," Nami admitted with a shrug. "But we still need to pay. And when I say 'we'…" The storm rumbled and crackled as she leaned in close.

I shivered in terror before hastily snapping a finger up with a panicked grin. "May I have a moment? I'd like to consult my legal counsel."

"Sure!" Nami said pleasantly. "Even death row allows final requests."

I shuddered at that before spinning on my heel and crouching down, huddling up with Lassoo and Soundbite. "What the hell do we do!?" I hissed desperately, hiding my mouth behind my hand.

" _What the hell_ **is this 'we' shit,** KEMOSABE!?" Soundbite hissed indignantly.

"Yeah!" Lassoo snarled from behind his paw. "You're the one whose head they wanted!"

"And _you're_ the one who was blasting left right and center, so you're in it as deep as me!" I shot right back, directing a glare at the snail. "And you know as well as I do that whatever hell I go to, I'm dragging you there with me, so maybe you should get off your ass and _think of a way to save our skins!"_

"Oh, yeah!?" Lassoo bit out. "Well, as your 'legal counsel', I formally advise you that we are _screwed!"_

" _YEAH!"_ Soundbite spat. " **WE CAN'T PAY** _ **THAT FORTUNE WITHOUT**_ **tapping the crew fund,** _ **and that means going through Nami!"**_

"Well…" I scrambled for options. "Maybe we can just make a break for it and wait for this to all blow over?"

As one, we all glanced back at Nami… and promptly snapped our gazes forward with renewed cold sweat at sight of the lightning snapping around her.

"Hell no," I summarized.

"Not a chance," Lassoo whined.

" _We are going to die,"_ Soundbite whimpered. " _We are GOING to_ _ **DIE!"**_

"Maybe so…" I nodded slowly, clenching my fists "But at least we can take our last option like men. You guys with me?"

"As if I had a choice."

"EVER _**AND ALWAYS!"**_

"Then let's do it."

With that, I stood up, we all turned to face Nami with determined expressions…

And then we all fell flat on the ground.

"PLEASE SPARE OUR WORTHLESS SOULS, OH MIGHTY MISTRESS OF WEATHER!" we sobbed as one.

Nami's expression didn't change at all as she observed our groveling. Then she opened her mouth—

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

And snapped it shut, also snapping her Eisen Tempo back to her usual cloudy aura as Soundbite began ringing and the three of us slumped in relief. "Damn."

"I never thought I'd say this straight up, but _God bless the Marine Corps!"_ I proclaimed as I got to my feet. "Well, now that that's over and done with—GRK!" I was cut off by a vice grip clamping down on my shoulder.

"We will continue to discuss this _later,"_ Nami promised me.

I whimpered in agreement, and Nami thankfully released me. I took a moment to get my heart rate back below jackhammer levels, and glanced around the room. "Conis, Su, if you wouldn't mind taking a walk for a bit?"

"Oooh, more secret political maneuvering, eh?" Su said. "Count me— _ACK!"_

"Sorry about her," Conis apologized as she held her struggling companion up by her tail. "I'll make sure to keep a close eye on where she is."

"Thanks," I nodded gratefully before turning to the duck in the room. "Carue, since Vivi's not here right now—?"

"Count me out," Carue squawked with an airy wave. "Gawding evewyone's my job, Ah'll weave the powiticaw schtuff tah you guys."

"Fair 'nuff. Conis, would you mind—?"

"Heave- _ho!"_ the angel grunted as she lifted the duck to his feet and supported him.

"Alright, and Carue, do you think you could carry—?" _THACK!_ " _MMPH!?"_ A sudden pillow hitting my face cut off my question.

"I already _know_ everything, dingus," Merry said, crossing her arms with a petulant pout. "Let me outline this for you: I want in, and if you want me out you'd better be willing to bring one _hell_ of a fight."

I opened my mouth to tell her exactly why that was _not_ happening, and then I clicked it shut as I realized I didn't really _have_ an answer to that, did I? "Alright, fine, you can stay if you want."

"Yes!" she crowed, pumping her fist.

"But no… not _too much_ screwing around."

"Aww…" she groaned, plopping back onto her bed.

"Well!" Lassoo barked up hastily. "If she's free to stay, then I'm free to go. Politics bore me. Among, ah…" He glanced at Nami and shivered. " _Other_ reasons… _seeyawouldn'twannabeya!"_ He hastily belted out the last part before scampering out the door.

"TRAITOR!" Soundbite howled after him.

"TRAITOR WHO'S GONNA _LIVE!"_

I grimaced as the dachshund escaped before picking up the receiver; with any luck, this would have enough good news that the blow Nami struck would be softened. Though as my greeting showed, my hopes weren't high.

- **o-**

" _George's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!"_

"That is awful," Tashigi deadpanned, regarding the snail before her and her superior with a flat look.

" _What, you haven't noticed yet?"_ Cross scoffed indignantly. " _I'm what the world would consider an awful person! It's in my nature!"_

"Awful person or not, don't you think you could try and stay serious for _half_ a second, Cross?" Smoker sighed wearily.

"… _I'll do you the courtesy of presuming that you took a blow to the head in the past twenty-four hours and ignore that question."_

" _Honestly, Smoker, you really should know better by now,"_ Nami lamented with a slight grin.

" _Heheheh, yeah! No wonder we always manage to get away from you guys, you're actually pretty dumb!"_

A _new_ voice caused the Marines to pause in shock.

"Was that—?" Tashigi started to ask.

" _Yep, Going Merry in the flesh!"_ the girl-ship crowed. " _And before you guys even think of booting me out of this, remember that I've listened in on every one of you bozo's meetings up until now, so I'm about as deep in this as you, so there!"_

The two Marines exchanged glances before _sloooowly_ examining the walls around them. "So, the walls really do have ears," Tashigi stated in a distinctly unnerved voice. "Good to know."

Smoker pinched the bridge of his nose as he heaved out a fume-laden sigh. "As if the snail and the princess weren't bad enough…" he grit out.

Cross snickered for a bit before swiftly sobering up. " _Amusing as chipping away at a person's sanity always is, we can joke later, so for now, let's touch base and get to work. First things first: got any news from behind the white-and-blue lines?"_

"Oh, only enough to fill a newspaper cover to cover," Tashigi dryly replied . "While your crew was burning down Enies Lobby, Goat, Rooster and almost a dozen other big-named rookies in the Grand Line were causing trouble of their own. The quick version is that the Corps has lost a quarter of its liquid assets, at least three bases to mutiny or civilian rebellion, and a dedicated training grounds for Marines ranked Rear Admiral and higher has suffered significant damage. And that's just from the _rookie_ pirates."

"Meanwhile, where your comrade's little…" Smoke started drifting up from the Commodore's body as he spied Tashigi's knuckles turning white as she gripped her sleeves. " _History lesson_ was concerned, 90% of the Corps' giants mutinied when they heard about Ohara. Admiral Aokiji subdued them with… relative ease, but the remaining loyalists in Marineford are recovering from either being attacked or trying to stop the fight."

He gave a snort, tapping the ashes off his cigar. "Once all was said and done, a headcount showed that at least five of the mutineers went AWOL in the initial battle. As for the rest of them, they stood down and reaffirmed their loyalty to the Corps when Akainu convinced—"

"Read, _threatened,"_ Tashigi clarified.

"—them, though they're still under observation."

" _Ah… wait, I'm sorry, did you just say 'Akainu_ threatened _them'?"_ Cross blinked in confusion. " _Akainu doesn't threaten, he immolates."_

"Not in this case, he doesn't," Smoker scoffed. "Sengoku was… _insistent_ on the extent of his actions, and is still insisting right now. Still, even with the scrutiny on them, we're going to be looking into all of those giants for potential additions to our number. While half of them were most likely just caught up in the rush of it all and are still sincere about their loyalties to the Corps, I don't doubt that the other half were just gritting their teeth so that they wouldn't give the mutt an excuse."

"… _HOLY SHIT,"_ Soundbite summarized succinctly.

" _No kidding,"_ Cross agreed.

" _HA! And I thought we caused enough chaos in person!"_ Merry chortled.

" _Ah… wait, hang on a second…"_ the Straw Hats' navigator spoke up in confusion. " _You said that only the_ Giants _mutinied at that? Why only them and not other soldiers? Well, what made them mutiny_ en masse _, I mean."_

"Ah… gimme a second here…" Tashigi muttered under her breath as she withdrew a notebook from her jacket and started flipping through it, finishing up by tapping one of the more recently filled pages. "Ah, here it is: according to intel we managed to suss out, former Vice Admiral Jaguar D. Saul was exceptionally popular among the Marine giants, and in spite of his death being two decades ago, his friendship was still fresh in their mind. As such, they took offense to his manner of death, as well as to the Corps hunting Nico Robin, who they apparently consider to be his ward."

She then flipped to the next page and cocked an eyebrow in surprise. "Furthermore, there were also apparently a few veterans of the Giant Warrior Pirates among those enlisted, due to the Corps being more generous when it comes to recruiting extra-human soldiers, and they were already upset when they heard about Oimo and Kashi. And with both of those in mind, it seems that the breaking point was when Vice Admiral John Giant said that Saul deserved his fate. _That's_ when the riot started, and matters just seemed to escalate from there."

"Typical for a D.," Smoker muttered under his breath. "Raising seven different kinds of hell even from beyond the—!" The smoke-man snapped his jaws shut, growling, when Merry started howling with laughter.

" _Hrm…"_ Nami mused thoughtfully. " _If that's the case… a suggestion for whoever you have watching the giants you think might be good for recruitment: tell them to drop Saul's name and watch for a reaction. If they're not totally onboard with the Marines, they'll show it."_

"You're sure?" Tashigi asked in confirmation.

The navigator's expression darkened. " _I've had more than eight years' worth of practice hiding the fact that I hate a person while being within shooting distance of them at every hour of the day. I know."_

A harsh silence fell as Smoker and Tashigi both grimaced at that particular reminder. "I'll pass on the recommendation," the commodore said at last.

"ALRIGHT, CHANGING THE SUBJECT _NOW._ _ **QUESTION FOR THE TURNCOATS:**_ _the hell's got you down_ **in the dumps, FOUR-EYES?** _ **We just kicked**_ _ten kinds of_ _ASS_ AND _GAVE THE_ **WORLD GOVERNMENT THE big mama of** _black eyes!_ _ **SHOULDN'T YOU BE**_ _cheering from the_ _ **rooftops?"**_

Tashigi bit into her lip as she slowly bowed her head, her expression shadowed by both the lights of the room and her bangs. Going by how the snail's expression sobered up and became somewhat hesitant, it was clear that the message had gotten across. Smoker made to say something…

"It's hard for me to get enthusiastic about anything…"

But was interrupted by Tashigi's dull voice.

"When I can still hear Nico Robin, a woman I thought, _knew_ was a monster, outlining each and every last detail of the horrors that the World Government inflicted on Ohara. It's hard to really feel much of anything knowing that I supported an organization responsible for something like _that…"_

Silence fell again, at least until Cross put up a (shaky) grin over the connection.

" _H-Hey, come on, Lieutenant, you know that's not true,"_ the pirate insisted. " _You're_ not _part of that organization, remember? You're part of one that's dedicating itself to_ preventing _shit like that from happening ever ag—"_

"Anymore."

"… _eh?"_

"I'm not a part of that organization _anymore,_ Cross," Tashigi clarified through grit teeth, tears brimming in her eyes. "I still actually joined them, I still served at their behest… because I had _faith_ in them. I had faith in the Marine Corps, in the World Government. And even after you helped show me what you did, I _still_ had faith in them, in that there was _some_ measure of good left in the Marine Corps, in _spite_ of the corruption obviously infesting it! But now…"

She reached beneath her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Now I know the corruption runs to the very top, to the Fleet Admiral himself. I…" She let out a pained groan as she shook her head. "I honestly didn't see it coming. I just…"

" _None_ of us did, Lieutenant," Smoker said, softer than any present had heard from him. "We all thought that Sengoku of all people would be the unyielding pillar of Justice we all see him as, that he wouldn't resort to these methods." The Commodore then directed an acrid glare at the snail. "So unless you're going to tell me that you _lied_ about Sengoku's name being on that many entries in the black book, in which case there _will_ be consequences—!"

" _Commodore Smoker."_

A sharp, ironclad interjection from Cross interrupted the Marine's accusation.

" _In the history of the SBS, the only time I have ever lied was when I said that the golden bell on Sky Island was lost, and_ that _was to prevent a_ second _genocide over its possession,"_ Cross replied venomously, before slumping and heaving a dejected sigh, his expression downcast. " _No… no, as much as I hate to admit it, Sengoku's signature was indeed on at least a third of those pages, with Kong's, the Elder Stars', and any of the Admirals' on the rest. Granted, the pages Sengoku approved were relatively more acceptable than the examples I listed, but…"_ The snail shook its head in defeat. " _Well, by their very nature, nothing CP9 did was ever pretty."_

Tashigi knocked the back of her skull against the wall, groaning as she ground her fist into her forehead. "Damn it…" she bit out. "I feel like _such_ a—!"

" _But!"_ Cross hastily interjected, his demeanor swiftly reversing itself. " _That being said, I still have faith that Sengoku_ isn't _corrupt."_

The Marines stared at Cross's proxy in confusion.

"But…" Tashigi started hesitantly. "I thought you said—?"

" _If you'll recall my words at the time, anybody in Sengoku's position would have no other option but to make some tough, ultimately morally compromising choices. We all knew it, the only reason we're actually taking issue with them is because I aired them all,"_ Cross explained. " _Put it this way, all I did was reveal he's human. Chances are that he isn't beyond hope. If all else fails, I know one secret that could change his mind, but I'm not going to be able to use it anytime remotely soon."_

Smoker narrowed his eyes accusingly. "Cross, any other time, I'd put up with your cryptic BS. But after the hell of a day we've had, which _you've_ caused, I'm not willing to take your word for it without details. Spill. Now."

Silence reigned for a moment, until Cross sighed. " _Alright, it's… innocuous enough… just don't go spreading it around, alright? Mention one name in all of this to the wrong person and you are_ beyond _screwed."_

"We won't," Smoker snorted.

" _Well, alright, then, where to start… remember awhile back, when I said that Vergo had beaten a mole within the Donquixote Pirates within an inch of his life?"_ He didn't wait for an answer. " _That mole was Donquixote Rocinante, Doflamingo's biological younger brother… and he was pretty much Sengoku's adopted son."_

The silence in the room was _deafening_ as the Marines gaped at the snail.

"…you're serious," Tashigi flatly stated.

" _As a bullet,"_ Cross confirmed. " _It's a long and… seriously messed up story, but the end message is that Rocinante died at his brother's hand, protecting a boy he himself had adopted, which Sengoku doesn't know, and that nobody besides us here and Sengoku himself know of his relation to Rocinante. If nothing else, me even_ mentioning _his name should give him one hell of a pause."_

"…And what's Sengoku's unknown grandson doing now?" Smoker inquired.

" _Eh… that depends. You mentioned that a bunch of rookies recently went nuts, right? Do you know where the Heart Pirates were in it all?"_

Tashigi and Smoker exchanged shocked looks before the former thumbed through her notebook. "Uh… they… teamed up with the Bonney Pirates and invaded base G-76. It seems that besides looting the place from top to bottom, they paralyzed the Marines positioned there and used them for a… game of… Jenga…" she said, green creeping onto her face.

"… _Well, then, I guess Law just spent the day playing Jenga."_

Tashigi's strangled squawk was mirrored by Nami's.

" _Oh, we are not even getting_ close _to that psycho."_

" _Trust me, this is tame by his standards,"_ Cross reassured. " _And just to be clear here… we're getting_ allied _with him."_

" _Of course we are!"_ Merry cheered eagerly. " _In this kind of situation, the only options are alliance or destruction!"_

" _ **Or getting chopped into a thousand pieces while staying perfectly alive and unharmed,"**_ came a cool female voice that caused Tashigi's old wounds to throb.

" _Mimicking Robin's voice does_ not _give you carte blanche to be creepy!"_ Nami snapped irritably.

" _EH?_ THE HELL ARE YOU **talking about, I DIDN'T SAY—!"**

" _MOVING ON!"_ Cross barked hastily with a somewhat panicked expression. " _What's the next question here… AH! Right, what are you guys' current marching orders?"_

Smoker glanced at Tashigi in puzzlement, and the only response she could muster was a confused shrug, so for the sake of the last frayed threads of his sanity he decided to ignore whatever the hell that was. "My ship is currently en route to the G-54 base. Most of the surrounding bases have either mutinied or been attacked, so they're sending me to handle anything that comes up while they send a higher-ranking officer from HQ as a permanent replacement. It'll be a short assignment."

"As for everyone else," Tashigi continued. "T-Bone's been summoned back to Marineford for an after-action report, though the scars he's gotten should speak louder than anything he has to say, which is a good thing. Jonathan, as you can expect, is holding down his fort and mainly keeping the gates open as a makeshift rest stop for any Marines near them. And finally, Hina is currently heading for the Twin Capes to start cutting down on the number of psychos that our Blue bases are reporting headed for Reverse Mountain."

" _Perfect!"_ Cross said happily. " _If Hina's heading that way anyway with her full fleet, she can handle what I was going to ask; do me a favor and pass along a request to her that she either swing by Little Garden herself or that she send… eh, two battleships? One if her ships are big enough."_

Tashigi frowned in confusion. "Officially, Little Garden is a prehistoric wildlife preserve and unofficially it's a death sentence to all who land there without an Eternal Pose. Why would she need to go there?"

Cross donned his usual shit-eating grin with immense eagerness. " _Ooooh, no reason, it's just that for the past century, Little Garden has_ also _been the arena for Blue Ogre Dorry and Red Ogre Broggy's honor duel, and they need a lift to Water 7 so that they can rendezvous with their crew."_

Tashigi's expression promptly fell flat. "Of course. Because why not," she droned, and started reaching for the snail. "Look, Cross, I've had a hell of a week and I just want to get some sleep, so if there isn't anything else—!"

" _Wait!"_

Tashigi froze mid-motion when Merry suddenly spoke up again.

" _Lieutenant Tashigi…"_ the young 'girl' started with uncharacteristic hesitation. " _I… look, I know a lot about my crew's past stunts and whatnot, but admittedly there are quite a few gaps in my knowledge, centered around when my crew was on shore. But from what I've pieced together… you saved Cross's life in Rainbase, right? When you took down Mr. 3?"_

"Ah…" Tashigi hedged slightly. "Yes, against my better judgment. Why?"

" _Well, in that case…"_ Merry adopted an angelic smile as she beamed at the Marine. " _I just wanted to thank you for saving my life, too, is all."_

Tashigi blinked slowly as her mind tried to process what she'd just heard, the words bouncing around in her skull without sticking. "…huh?" she finally managed to get out.

" _Well… yeah,"_ Merry nodded as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. " _I mean, after all, if you hadn't been there, then he would have died, and then I would have died. But because you saved him, he was able to save me. Which means… you saved me too. So…"_ She nodded again. " _Thank you. Thank you for giving me the chance to live. For letting me fulfill my dreams. I… I owe you everything, Tashigi, just as much as I owe Cross, and I'll always be grateful for this chance you've given me. Just… thank you."_

Tashigi's jaw worked itself silently, but she eventually clenched her mouth shut. "…Permission to excuse myself for a moment, sir?" she whispered softly.

Smoker didn't even hesitate to jerk his thumb at the door. "Go on and get the hell out of here, Marine."

The swordswoman was out of the room before he was even finished. The smoke-man waited a few seconds after the door swung shut before turning back to the snail. "That was a load of bull and you know it."

Merry's smile took on an apologetic tinge. " _Yeah, I know, but can you honestly tell me that even mattered a little bit, and that she_ didn't _need to hear that?"_

Smoker was silent for a second, and in that silence he listened to the light, hiccupping sobbing wafting through the crack in the door.

The corners of his mouth turned upwards. "…no. No, I can't," he admitted quietly.

After a minute or so, the noise died down and Tashigi re-entered the room, furtively swiping at eyes that were pointedly _not_ red or puffy.

"T-Thank you very much for informing me of that, Merry," she said, a small smile on her face.

" _Thank_ you," the girl-ship chirped virtuously.

" _Heh. Glad to have you back, Lieutenant,"_ Cross nodded happily. " _Anyway, while I have you, I did have one more question before we wrap this up: do you two have any idea why Akainu and Kizaru weren't at Enies Lobby? I expected Sengoku to throw everything at us, and while Kizaru could be expected to duck out from sheer laziness, I wouldn't expect Akainu to miss us burning Enies down for the world."_

The two Marines exchanged glances of perfect understanding, but before Tashigi could say a word, Smoker snapped a finger up and silenced her. "You seriously lucked out with Kizaru," he grunted. "A training accident sent him flying into the Red Line when he tried to use his abilities to reach you. He'll be recovering from it for a few days."

The lieutenant stared at him in confusion before the commodore drew the word 'ego' in the air with his smoke, prompting her to pale and nod vigorously.

" _What? How the heck did that work? I mean, I know the general mechanics of the Glint-Glint Fruit as a Logia, but how did he—"_

"Mirrors," Tashigi deadpanned.

"… _How did I not think of that sooner? Nami, if we end up meeting Kizaru, be ready to throw up a mirage; play it right, and he could end up on the other side of the world."_

" _I will_ absolutely _remember that,"_ Nami promised fervently.

" _Damn ri—eh? Hey, you two alright?"_

"F-Fine, Cross!" Tashigi wheezed as she recovered from a rather ragged coughing fit. "A-Anyway, I'll let Rooster fill you in on the details himself, but suffice to say that where his actions were concerned, they were _more_ than enough to warrant Akainu going after him personally. He avoided him by sailing into the Calm Belt, but then Boa Hancock of the Seven Warlords was sent after him. Capricorn confirmed that he's still alive and free, but…" She shrugged helplessly. "We're not sure of the finer details."

Cross slowly blinked in shock. "… _Huh. That's… unexpected, to say the least. No clue how the hell he'd outrun her in the Calm Belt… I will definitely have to ask him about that. Easy money says that it'll be one_ hell _of a story."_

"I'm inclined to agree in this case, Cross," Smoker grunted in agreement. "But we'll be learning it for ourselves soon enough. This call was just a status report so that we could touch base with you before we get into our assignments. Like I said, it should be short, no longer than a couple of days, but we'll be out of touch in that time."

"But once that's done, we'll have the opportunity to get in contact with you in earnest," Tashigi promised, "Get ready Cross, because this will almost certainly be the most important meeting of MI6 to date."

" _Sounds good to me,"_ Cross nodded solemnly. " _I'll arrange matters with our own allies and when the time co—!"_ The pirate trailed off, stiffening in shock. " _Wait a second, did you just say MI-_ 6!?"

Tashigi blinked as she realized the cause for Cross's confusion, and she _made_ to answer before an impish smirk slowly spread across her face.

"You know what, Cross?" she simpered sweetly. "I think that this time, _I'll_ leave _you_ with the unanswered questions. Buh-bye!"

" _What are you—!? Nononono_ WAI— _KA-LICK!"_

Tashigi hung the snail up before the pirate could get another word in and started howling with laughter a moment later.

"Ohohohoooooh, that was _fun!"_ she cackled as she shot her fist in the air. "Woo, I am feeling utterly pumped!" She spun on her heel and snapped a salute at Smoker. "Permission to go on deck and practice my flying slashes on the cloud, sir?"

Smoker cocked his eyebrow at her before waving his hand dismissively. "Get out of here, Lieutenant."

"Thank you, _sir!"_ And with that the swordswoman shot out of the room with a whoop of glee.

After a moment, Smoker left the room as well, heading for his quarters. ' _I guess the rumors really are true,'_ he reflected silently, the corners of his lips turning upwards ever so slightly yet again. ' _There's just no end to the Straw Hats' capabilities.'_

 **-o-**

I blinked slowly as I processed what the hell had just happened before leaning back on the bed I was sitting on with a weary sigh. "Damn. Beaten at my own game. And by her, of all people! Could this—aaand I'm stopping _right_ there," I declared in a suddenly cheerful tone as I shot to my feet. "Because I have no desire to suffer! Well, if you'll excuse me—!"

I made to stride out of the house, and was promptly halted by a hand clamping down on my shoulder and the barometric pressure in the room nose-diving so fast that my breath caught in my throat.

"Did you _honestly_ think I'd forget about this much money?" Nami asked in an honestly insulted tone.

" **WERE YOU SERIOUSLY LEAVING ME TO** _ **HER MERCY!?"**_ Soundbite howled indignantly.

"…every sapient for himself?" I whimpered pitifully through the tears cascading down my face. "And honestly, I was hopeful that what with how rich we are, and the fact that I'm responsible for it, the two events would even one another out?"

There was a moment of tense silence as Nami thought it over before the storm looming over us dissipated and she patted my shoulder with a chuckle. "Alright, Cross, alright, I'll foot the bill out of our coffers. Given how much we have, even with what we'll be paying Franky once Sodom and Gomorrah are ready to set out, it's really not that much in the long run."

I heaved a sigh of relief and I was _about_ to thank her when she patted my shoulder again and walked past me.

"I'll just do _one_ thing once all's said and done," she stated, popping a single finger to go along with the announcement.

For some reason, I couldn't help but feel a stab of existential dread. "And… that would be?"

Nami turned on her heel, and proceeded to smile the most innocent and yet utterly evil smile I'd ever seen in my entire life.

" _I'll put it all on your tab."_

The last thing I heard as everything went black was Merry howling with laughter.

 **-o-**

I woke up a short while later to a recently-returned Chopper's smelling salts, and after hasty assurances that I wouldn't be having a (entirely warranted, in my opinion) panic attack, he set about checking on our still-healing crewmates while Merry observed the also-returned Sanji's experiments with eager glee. Credit where it was due, in spite of the utterly inedible ingredients he'd been forced to procure, the presentation and even the smell almost made _me_ want to try it.

…Yeah, Luffy'd be stealing it at least once, no doubt about it. I'd have to keep my Vision Dial handy, because there was no way in hell I was missing the _one_ chance I might get to immortalize either Luffy blowing chunks or Chopper pumping his stomach.

Anyway, once I was back on my feet—and after I dealt with the existential crisis of not having any money ever again in the foreseeable future—I got to work on the next item on my inordinately packed agenda: that is to say, contacting our other allies.

I had no delusions; the next time I spoke to MI6, I'd be telling them everything there was to tell about me, so it would be best to bring everyone in on it so that I wouldn't have to tell it again. It _should_ have been a straightforward endeavor, really: get in, tell them to be on the lookout for a conference call with _all_ of our allies in the next few days, move on with my life. Simple, no?

But of course, I was a Straw Hat, so simple things were rarely even close to easy for me. As such, both occurrences found me surprised with the developments that ensued. The first of these surprises came about when I came in contact with Foxy first…

 **-o-**

"Oh? So, we're finally going to find out exactly how you know so much? Well, I'm certainly looking forward to _that,"_ Foxy grinned eagerly. "But if I may, I'd like to make a recommendation for another addition to the little Zodiac of the Damned we've been setting up."

" _Zodiac of the—? Huh… that's actually a pretty good name, I think I'll steal it. Anyway, you_ are _our recruiter, so I'll consider whoever you have in mind. Ah, who would that be, exactly?"_

"Oh, I think you might know him." Foxy smirked as he waved the person at his side forward. "Care to speak up?"

"Apapapa! You know I never don't! Heyo, Cross, bet you weren't expecting on hearing from me so soon, eh?"

" _The hell—!? A-Apoo? You—but—he—how—?"_

"Oh, how I _love_ being able to make him speechless," Foxy chuckled as he cradled his chin in a semi-cool stance.

"I think that's a universally shared opinion, it _is_ pretty amusing," Apoo snickered as he mirrored the other captain's pose.

" _Mergrgr… how much does he know, exactly?"_ Cross managed at last.

Foxy's charisma shattered fantastically as a heavy sweatdrop dripped from his brow. "He… figured out that I was Luffy's subordinate pretty early on, the same time _I_ figured out that you and he were friends rather than rivals," he awkwardly admitted. "I haven't told him much beyond the fact that you and I share a sizeable number of contacts, but he was willing to keep my secret, and I figured that since you two are on good terms anyway, why not?"

The snail fell silent, and slowly looked at the soon-to-be Supernova. " _Apoo, I'm willing to trust you with this, but as your friend, I have to warn you: this is going to be both a massive undertaking and a perilous one. We're talking about more than just sharing contacts; if you get in on this, then you're in for the long haul. If that's fine with you—"_

"Causing more trouble on the magnitude of what you and your crewmates have been pulling off over the course of your entire career?" Apoo snickered and shook his head. "Sign me up for this haul, it sounds like fun."

"… _Well, Vivi certainly hit the nail on the head about your tribe, didn't she? Alright, then, you had your warning. We'll decide on your code name at the main meeting."_

"I can only imagine that half of them will be _thrilled_ to count you among our number," Foxy chuckled as he wrung his hands eagerly.

 _That_ brought the Long-Arm up short, prompting him to blink in confusion. "Wait, _how_ many others are part of this?" he asked curiously.

" _Weeeeell, for starters,"_ Cross grinned eagerly. " _I myself go by Ophiuchus. Foxy's code name is Goat. We also have one by the name of Rooster, who I'll be calling after this, and I've recently recruited one other crew who we'll be introing to this endeavor and giving their codename at the same time as you. Besides that, we've got six officers in the Marine Corps going by the Western Zodiac: Cancer, Pisces, Capricorn, Scorpio, and Sagittarius. I know there's one more, but because they've decided to screw with me, I know neither that officer's identity nor the codename they've elected to go by."_

Cross's mouth twisted into a smirk. " _Though going by my crew's luck, I have my suspicions for the former._ And _of course, aside from Pisces and possibly the newest officer, all of them have their own respective subordinates and crews that are also part of this."_

"…Impressive," Apoo breathed as his eyes widened in shock. "Well. _Definitely_ count me in now."

" _Alright. Fair warning, though: once you've found out my secret, there's going to be no chance of turning back, and trust me, this particular rabbit hole goes_ way _deeper than our previous arrangement. Foxy, I'll leave the general explaining to you, I need to let Rooster know about this."_

"Very well. Goat out." And with that Foxy pressed his finger into the snail's speaker cradle.

Apoo cocked his eyebrow at the trickster Captain. "So… how deep _does_ this rabbit hole go, exactly?"

"Feh feh feh feh," Foxy chuckled grimly, shaking his head as he strolled over to the door of the cabin and cracked it open. "Hamburg! A full cask of our finest rum, on the double!" He then turned a weary smile on his suddenly nervous compatriot. "We're gonna need to get hammered for this."

 **-o-**

After that particular surprise, I then moved on to Bartolomeo, hoping for a _relatively_ saner conversation.

But of course…

 **-o-**

" _Puru puru puru puru—KA-LICK!"_

"Rooster."

" _Ophiuchus, and allow me leap straight to the point!"_ Cross barked. " _If Pisces is to be even_ remotely _believed, then I'm having a hard time choosing where the hell to start. So you tell me, who would you prefer to explain first, huh? The freaking Admiral or the freaking Warlord!?"_

"Hehahahaha!" Bartolomeo cackled. "Eh, let's start with the Mad Dog! Not much of a story there, ta be honest! All I did was punch out a Celestial Dra—"

 _ **BAM!**_ _CRASH!_

"I'll keep saying it until you get it right, you shark-toothed bastard!" Gin snarled at his captain as he worked to yank his head out of the wall his first mate had punched it into. " _I_ knocked him out! Why can't you just be satisfied with personally taunting the Five Elder Stars?!"

Bartolomeo yanked his head out of the woodwork and rounded on his subordinate with a scowl of his own. "Go choke on a cannonball, deadeye!" he bit out, flashing a sizeable middle finger with his barriers before turning back to the snail. "But anyway, yeah, not that big a deal. I just wanted to help you guys out, draw some heat off a' you, ya know? I'm sure you woulda done the same for me!"

Cross gaped silently at him for a second before chuckling softly, his mouth set in a wry grin. " _Yeaaah, you're not wrong there, Barty. Credit where it's due, though, I knew you had big brass ones before, but this…"_ The pirate nodded gratefully. " _Thanks, Bartolomeo. That took guts. You're a hell of a pirate and a damn good friend."_

There was a moment of silence, during which the Transponder Snail grimaced uncomfortably.

" _He's paralyzed from sheer joy, isn't he?"_

Mr. 5, Gin and Miss Goldenweek shook their heads in silent denial.

" _Huh… dancing a jig a little ways away?"_

More head-shaking.

"…" The snail's expression fell as flat as a board. " _He's bowing and worshipping before a shrine of what few bounty posters we have?"_

"I'd love to call you conceited, Cross…" Mr. 5 drawled, before kneading the bridge of his nose with a groan. "But all of those _are_ typical things he does. In this case, however…" The ex-bounty hunter cocked an eyebrow as he watched Apis idly pop bubbles coming from their captain's mouth. "He's fainted from sheer euphoria and _foaming_."

The snail sighed. " _Ooof course he is. Well, that won't do, will it? Time for a wake-up call."_

The assembled crewmates stiffened fearfully before scrambling for the snail—!

 _ **BWAAAAAAAAAH!**_

—and reeling back in agony when it belted out an ear-rendingly loud honk before they could stop it.

"GYAGH!" Bartolomeo yelped, clutching his ears as he shot up.

" _I love this thing,"_ Cross snickered.

"WE KNOW!" the top brass of the Barto Club _and_ Soundbite roared.

" _Oh, good, Barty's awake. Get your head in the game, man, we're not done yet. And for the record?"_ Cross grimaced uncomfortably. " _The hero-worship is starting to get a_ little _bit creepy, so if you could curb your enthusiasm even a bit…?"_

"That's about as likely as Crocodile allying with your captain, you damn all-luck magnet," Miss Valentine groused from the corner of the room she was slumped in. "Just let it go, it could be worse."

" _Right, then, who vetoed the Luffy figurehead?"_

 _That_ got shocked looks from everyone.

"How the hell did you know _that?"_ Gin demanded.

" _Pfheheheh,"_ Cross chuckled grimly. " _Trust me, you guys are lucky. Any other day I'd bullshit you all, but in all honesty, Barty'll be learning the truth soon enough at a not-so-little get-together I've got planned in a few days' time. But that's in the future. For now, we still have the matter of Boa 'World's Most Beautiful_ and _Second-Deadliest Woman' Hancock. I don't know how the hell you guys are navigating the Calm Belt, but considering how_ she _can do it with ease, how did you manage to avoid her?"_

"Who said they avoided us?"

The snail's eyestalks snapped to attention as the sumo-like Kuja Pirate who'd remained silent until then chose to speak up.

"… _Going by the voice, the sheer authority and the relative age, I'm guessing…"_ the snail's eyestalks swiveled around in order to cock inquisitively. " _Boa Marigold, youngest of the three Gorgon Sisters?"_

"As impressive as ever, Jeremiah Cross," Marigold replied evenly. "In case you were curious about my presence here, suffice to say that your words have had a significant impact on my oldest sister; we've become quite the fans of your SBS, and when we learned that Bartolomeo was not only a mutual fan but also allied with you, Hancock elected to falsify a report of failure while I remained here to await your inevitable contact. We were _very_ interested in speaking with you."

Cross blinked in surprise before beaming triumphantly. " _Hancock actually likes my show? That's great! I suspected she'd either be keeping an ear open for my work or banning it wholesale because of my gender. Lemme guess, Nyon didn't stop blaring it in the palace until she finally gave up?"_

Marigold smirked momentarily before frowning. "As… amusing as that would have been, no. Suffice to say that one of your… earlier broadcasts caught our attention, and we've been listening intently ever since."

The expression on the snail snapped from smug to solemn so suddenly that the serpent-sumo stiffened. Cross had proven himself to be well-informed, but was it possible that he could know—?

" _This might not be my place,"_ Cross said, snapping her out of her thoughts. " _And even wholly insensitive and maybe even more than a bit frightening, but I feel like I must offer what condolences I can. What you went through…"_ The pirate shook his head morosely. " _The fact that any of you are functioning at all is a miracle. I can't even begin to apologize on behalf of… hell, pretty much the entire human race for the sins you were unjustly forced to suffer."_

"…I am now acutely aware of two facts about you, Jeremiah Cross," Marigold stated in a thoroughly shaken voice. "There is no chance that you are allied with the World Government…"

 _SMASH!_

The Barto Club Pirates staggered back in shock when Boa Marigold suddenly snapped into her hybrid form and encircled the terrified Transponder Snail, baring her fangs mere inches from its face.

"And there is nothing that I can be utterly certain that you do not know," she snarled. " _Regardless of how IMPOSSIBLE IT SHOULD BE FOR YOU TO KNOW IT!"_

In spite of its shivering, the snail's eyestalks remained steady and firm, before slowly bowing sadly. "… _For whatever it's worth, I haven't told anyone else. Not even Soundbite knows the details."_

" **Speaking of Soundbite!"** The snail's eyes then snapped up with an indignant glare. " _ **Drop the fangs, would ya!? THIS SHIT IS**_ **MURDER ON MY MOUTH!"**

Silence fell for the longest seconds of the Barto Club's lives as they looked between the shivering snail and the haunted expression of one of the most fearsome pirates on the seas. Then, at last, the King Cobra hybrid shrank down to her normal (though admittedly still very tall) size.

"My apologies," she said quietly.

" _Same to you,"_ Cross shook his head regretfully. " _I shouldn't have brought up your past like that, it was an impulsive move and…"_ He shook his head again. " _Anyway, in what is simultaneously a desperate bid to change the subject and a return to business, may I offer you an invitation to the get-together I mentioned earlier, Boa Marigold? I assure you, you'll find our discussions to be quite… pertinent."_

Marigold froze, taking a moment to process the implications, before shaking her head with a defeated sigh. "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we can't truly support your crew—"

"— _for fear of the World Government revoking Hancock's title and making Amazon Lily fair game, right,"_ Cross finished with a grimace. " _Yeah, that_ would _be a concern, wouldn't it?"_

"Does that even matter?" Bartolomeo spoke up with honest confusion. "I mean, anonymity is what the whole code name system is _for_ , right?"

"That's its intention, yes, but it's not infallible," Miss Goldenweek shrugged dismissively. "While everyone involved in this… undertaking, for lack of a better word, are all at risk should their identities be compromised, Hancock's status means that the threat to her is aggravated. She's already taking a monumental risk by letting us go."

"Amazon Lily…" Miss Valentine mused as she eyed Marigold. "Going by the name and the composition of your crew, that's a literal name, right? Only women, nobody else?" She shrugged with a sigh when Marigold nodded in confirmation. "Well, there you have it. Without the immunity the Pirate Empress's position offers, chances are that the World Nobles would get the Marines to rip the entire island apart so that they could split the…" She shivered in disgust. " _Spoils_ between themselves. And last time I checked, we don't _have_ the manpower or resources to prevent that."

" _Not yet we don't, anyway…"_ Cross practically snarled.

Another pause as that sunk in. Then Marigold spoke once more.

"I _will_ consent to at least _attending_ the meeting, so that my sisters and I can have a bead on the situation. But I make _no_ promises beyond that," she said firmly.

" _I don't ask for any beyond one,"_ Cross assured her. " _Keep everything you hear at the meeting a secret. You can tell your sisters and Elder Nyon if they want to know, obviously, but nobody else. If this gets out, heads won't roll because there won't_ be _any heads left."_

The warrior nodded firmly. "I expected nothing less."

" _Right then. Well, I think that covers everything I needed to…"_ Cross trailed off as a thought apparently occurred to him, before a smile slowly slid across his face. " _Actually, one more recommendation, Marigold, which I'd pass it on to Hancock when you have the time: try out the floating restaurant called Takoyaki 8. Consider it as much a recommendation from me… as it is from her fellow Warlord, the Knight of the Sea Jinbe."_

Marigold's eyes widened, and a tentative smile spread across her face as well. "I see. I'll take your recommendation under consideration, Jeremiah Cross. Good luck to you and yours."

" _Same to you, Boa Marigold. See ya 'round, Barty!_ KA-LICK!"

Once the snail fell back asleep, the good cheer hung around for a second before the atmosphere plummeted into uncomfortable silence.

"Sooo…" Bartolomeo coughed as he side-eyed Marigold. "What the heck do we do until that big call he was talkin' about happens?"

There was another silence, until Apis held up a deck of cards.

"Anybody up for a game of strip poker?" she beamed innocently. Then she paused in confusion as everyone stared at her in utter shock, looking at Miss Goldenweek in askance. "Did I do that wrong? I said it how you told me to."

"Nope," Miss Goldenweek smirked _ever_ so slightly as she bit into a rice cracker. "You did that exactly right."

 **-o-**

And all of that brought me to the present, the afternoon on the second day following Enies Lobby, where everything seemed to be going fine, with everyone sans Zoro, Vivi, Robin and the Dugongs trickling back into the backup headquarters and nothing outside of the crew's normal circumstances going on. Heck, even _I_ was finding the time to relax.

And then in walked Kokoro and her family, with Yokozuna moving to the window after trying to force his way in through the door.

Yeah… as it turned out, the day was only getting started.

 **-o-**

"Well! It's great to see you all back on your feet again! Honestly now, sleeping for a full day? You had us all worried there! Buuut then again, I guess that after what you all went through, that's only natural!" Kokoro smirked as she caught sight of all the food on a nearby table getting sucked away at a breakneck pace. "It's _also_ good to see that the king to be is back on his feet!"

"Ooooh, I wouldn't quite say that…" I muttered as I turned the page on the book I was reading, keeping an eye on Soundbite's snoring shell all the while.

"Eh?" Kokoro blinked at me in confusion. "The heck do ya mean? He's clearly moving!"

"Take a look at his face, Granny," Lassoo yawned languidly.

"What are ya…" Kokoro slowly trailed off as she processed the clear and present _nose-bubble_ Luffy was snoring out. "…He's _asleep?"_

"Luffy learned how after Alabasta because he never wanted to miss that many meals after a fight again," Sanji sighed in defeat as he placed yet another platter of food in the rubber-man's reach. "Credit where it's due, at least it's keeping him busy."

" _And it's actually aiding in Luffy's recovery as well…"_ Chopper mused from his own bed, where he was splitting his attention between a number of papers arrayed before him that he was alternating between writing on and poring over. " _After all, he's ingesting a good amount of nutrients for his body that his metabolism is putting to good use, all while getting the rest he needs. It's certainly better than merely strapping him down and waiting, which would undoubtedly result in a longer resting period."_

Kokoro stared warily at Chopper before sending me a nervous look, and I responded with a helpless shrug. "He hasn't actually _done_ anything yet other than work, so…"

Chimney, meanwhile, had ambled up to Chopper and was looking at his papers with wide-eyed eagerness. "Whatcha workin' on, Mister Reindeer?"

" _ **I'm—**_ argh, wait a second…" Chopper leaned back from the papers, groaning as he rubbed his eyes. "Four minutes, thirty-six seconds. Marginal, but progress is progress. Anyway, to answer your question…" The human-Zoan waved his hoof over the papers. "Over the course of my fight with Kumadori, I managed to pump him for information on the biofeedback he was utilizing. Now, granted, there are some…" He spun his hoof helplessly as he tried to come up with the words. " _Translation errors_ , due to the excessive usage of metaphors and whatnot used to describe it, but I still managed to get some valuable information, which I transcribed, interpreted, and am now extrapolating upon using my own research."

"Oooooh…" Chimney nodded slowly. "So, why ya doin' it?"

"Because," Chopper grinned eagerly as he leaned forward, a glimmer appearing in his eyes, yes, but this one was _entirely_ natural and healthy. "I think I'm approaching a breakthrough. Using what I have and what's been given to me, I truly believe that I can compose a treatise that extrapolates upon methods through which Zoan-users like myself can _deliberately_ manipulate the… polymorphic… nature of…" The human-reindeer slowly trailed off before pinching the bridge of his nose. "You don't understand even a _word_ of what I'm talking about, do you?"

"No, no, I do, I do!" Chimney smiled and nodded eagerly. "You're doing mystery research, right?"

 _THUNK!_

"Not another one…" the reindeer moaned as he repeatedly thunked his forehead against his bed's backboard.

Chimney blinked in confusion before hiding her giggle behind her hands. "Mister Reindeer is funny!"

"Yeah, he'sh a real funny guy!" Gonbe snickered in agreement.

Kokoro looked just a tad befuddled at the interplay between the two relative youngsters before sweeping her attention over the rest of the room. "And what about the rest of— _gack!"_ The station mistress flinched back in shock when her gaze alighted upon Nami, who was slumped over on a table and sulking morosely, the air around her dark and gloomy. Literally, on account of the rain cloud that was hanging above her and drizzling its contents all over her. "What's _her_ problem?!"

"Oh, no problem…" she sighed listlessly as she drew circles on the wood with her finger. "I've simply come to the realization that life isn't worth living, that's all. I'm just waiting for the world to… waste away."

"Ah…" Kokoro hesitated, grasping for something to say.

"There, there…" Conis sighed as she leaned over from where she and Usopp were tinkering on the same table, an umbrella over their heads, to rub Nami's back before shooting a grimace at Kokoro. "She's been like this for awhile now."

"Ah, I see…" Kokoro nodded in understanding. "I guess it must just be sinking in how big her bounty's gonna be, huh?"

Nami let out a pitiful moan at that.

"Nooot quite," Usopp muttered, not looking up from the shotgun he was scrutinizing.

"Eh?"

"See, to be more specific?" Su smirked as she peaked over Conis' shoulder. "She's been like this ever since Sodom and Gomorrah took Franky out for St. Poplar."

Nami moaned again, even louder.

Kokoro was silent for a bit before a massive sweatdrop hung from her head. "Waaaait a second… are you telling me she's like this because—!?"

"He took my mone-e-eeeey…" our navigator wept miserably. "Sooo much mone-e-eeeey…"

Kokoro stared at her for a moment longer before breaking out cackling. "Nagagagaga! I've lived on the Grand Line my entire life, and you guys _still_ manage to surprise me, every hour on the hour! Forget warning you guys about the Florian Triangle, somebody should warn the Triangle about _you!"_

"Personally, I'd still like to hear whatever warnings you can offer, Granny Kokoro."

"Welcawm back, Vivi!" Carue waved from his bed.

"Oh, hey!" I glanced up over my book as I heard the door open. "Did the shipping go— _woah!"_ I reeled back in shock at what I saw.

As expected, Vivi and Robin had just returned, safe and sound, and as I'd suspected, Robin was bearing the brunt of the load, both on a variety of arms and by literally having the rest walk along behind her. That was all perfectly normal.

What _wasn't_ expected, however, was the sight of Robin using one of her arms to hold what appeared to be a cut of raw salmon over her eye.

"The heck's with you?" I queried incredulously. "Did fish become the new black when I wasn't looking?"

" _I'll alert_ **MILAN…"** Soundbite muttered in his sleep.

"No, fashion hasn't become _quite_ that eccentric yet," Robin chuckled sardonically before drawing the fish away, revealing a _very_ impressive black eye. "It's just that salmon serves as an acceptable substitute when a rib-eye isn't immediately available."

"Robin-chwan!" Sanji cried in horror, sprinting over and hastily relieving her of her burdens. "What happened!? Who did this to you!? _**I'LL FRY THEM INTO BRISKET!"**_ He capped the rant off by all but bursting into flames.

"Ooooh, I wouldn't worry about that," Vivi huffed darkly as she crossed her arms and glared at our archaeologist. "Honestly? I'd say that she deserved it!"

"Eh?" Sanji stared at the princess in shock. "What makes you say that, milady?"

"Her personal point of view, if I had to guess," Robin chuckled, sounding more amused than anything.

There was a moment of silence as we all processed both that statement and the way Vivi was looking everywhere _but_ at Robin with a distinctly blushing face, and then…

"EEEEEH!?" Sanji reeled in shock, his jaw all but crashing to the ground.

"Oh, my…" Conis gasped demurely.

"Tseeheehee! Woo, you go, girl!" Su cheered. "Princesses gone wild!"

Lassoo cracked his eye open with a snort. "Why the hell's everyone so surprised? We all knew that this was gonna happen sooner or later."

"Maybe so," I conceded with a nod. "But still, this is a _bit_ out of the blue! The heck brought this on?"

Apparently _that_ was too much for Vivi, going by how her eye twitched and she rounded on Robin, stabbing an accusing finger at her. "You want to know why I did it!?" she snarled. "Easy! _Somebody_ thought that it would be hilarious to give me a heart attack by up and _ditching me in the middle of a crowded street without warning!"_

There was yet another resounding silence before I cast a flat look at Robin. "Seriously?" I deadpanned only semi-incredulously.

Robin chuckled unapologetically as she returned the salmon to her eye. "I decided to try and cultivate my sense of humor. Is that so wrong?"

"I would suggest you start from scratch with a new one," Vivi bit out acridly. "Because this one's _rotten."_ She then turned around and made to walk back to her designated bed before freezing as she caught sight of Nami's continued sulking. She stared for a long second before directing a long-suffering look at me. "Dare I even ask?"

"Eh," I grunted, waving my hand side-to-side. "A bit of it is dread over her bounty, but for the most part? Post-partum depression from the loss of her beloved hoard."

"I was fine when it was for Merry's sake…" Nami sobbed miserably. "But now… 500 Million, just _gone…"_

Vivi stared at her again before pinching her nose with a sigh. "It's well past noon and it's _still_ too early for this shit. Cross, would you—?" She cut herself off with a shake of her head. " **Get me a drink, please."**

I huffed in aggravation as I shut my book and got up from my bed. "Come on, princess," I berated her as I walked over to the fridge and withdrew a spare bottle of Cola. "You've been with us for _months_ now, you should know how to do this for yourself. Or at least!" I twisted the cap off the bottle as I snapped my finger up. "Get your 'knight in shining armor' to do it for you, seeing as he loves it so much. But me?" I shook my head as I handed the bottle off to her. "I'm not doing it. At least try and learn to be a _little_ independent, you know?"

Vivi smiled beatifically as she accepted the bottle from me. "Thank you, Cross, I'll take your words into consideration."

I nodded in satisfaction. At least, until she actually started drinking, at which point the whole situation and everyone's snickering registered with me. I glanced down at my hand incredulously before returning my wide-eyed look to Vivi. "Son of a _bitch!"_ I barked, which got everyone _actually_ laughing. "Will you stop _doing_ that!? That got old after the third bout of rhyming this morning!"

"What can I say?" Vivi shrugged innocently. "Practice makes perfect!"

"And I can attest to the fact that she's had practice," Robin concurred with a smirk as she indicated her eye. "How else do you think she actually managed to land a hit on me?"

"Freaking Jedi mind trick bullshittery…" I grumbled out as I stomped back to my bed.

"Ah, that's better," Vivi sighed in satisfaction as she set down the bottle, eyeing our despondent navigator. "And now for her…" She sidled up to her and gently laid her hand on her shoulder. "Hey, Nami? I realize that you're really sad, but maybe you could try looking on the bright side of things?"

"What bright side…" Nami mumbled noncommittally.

"Weeell," Vivi drew the word out slowly. "I was personally thinking of our new carrying capacity? After all, besides the fact that the gold is going to our new ship, our new _home_ , it's also going to be a much _bigger_ ship. Meaning that the next time we come across something like that pillar on Skypiea—"

Nami's head immediately spun around to look at me with wide, watery eyes, of the type seen on puppies, cats, and little children trying to get a flamethrower for Christmas. "Will we come across something like that, Cross?" she whispered in awe.

I surreptitiously glanced away as my last request to Wiper shot through my mind. "There is a… decent chance of it?" I hedged in a neutral enough tone.

"Which means," Vivi picked back up. "That when we come into that much gold—!"

"WE'RE GONNA BE LOADED!"

" _GAH!"_ Vivi yelped in panic when she suddenly found herself being pirouetted around the room by an ecstatically exuberant Nami.

"We're gonna be rich rich _rich_ , richer than rich, the richiest of _aaaaaall~!"_ Nami sang as she spun Vivi alongside her, dancing to and fro as she dragged Vivi through an impromptu ballet number.

"Wow, a picture perfect underarm turn," Usopp muttered blandly as we observed the spectacle.

 _That_ got a cocked eyebrow from Lassoo. "How the heck would you of all people know what that looks like?"

"Has someone got a ladyfriend waiting for them back home?" Su teased, prompting Usopp to flush and shove himself back into his work.

Meanwhile, Nami finished up with a final chorus of " _Siiilver and gold, siiilver and gold, silver and gold gold_ GOLD!", upon which she finally tossed Vivi out into a final spin before devolving into Beri-eyed non-stop murmuring about being rich.

The princess, for her part, seemed like she had swallowed her weight in booze if the spirals her eyes had become and the way she was staggering around was anything to go by.

"Nooo, Daddy, I don't wanna learn ballet, Kohza would never let me hear the end of it," she slurred.

"But Miss Wednesday, we've already arranged Mr. 2 to teach you," Robin objected, visibly fighting laughter.

"Ugrgrr, tell him he can have Mr. 8, he likes crossdress— **hold still."**

Credit where it was due, Robin managed to sidestep Vivi's dizzied punch before it could slam into her nose, but the coolness of her act was swiftly ruined by her body locking up mid-motion, causing her to overbalance and faceplant. Aaand that was my breaking point.

"Pffhahahahaha!" I plopped back on my bed as I clutched my gut from laughing. "Ohohoh _man!_ I just don't see how this day could get _any_ better! Pfhahah—!"

"Ah, 'scuse me…" Yokozuna waved his arm through the window in an effort to get our attention. "I just have a question I would like to ask. I thought Merry was supposed to be staying with you, yes? Is she not in there with you?"

"—hahah— _erk!"_ I choked myself off as I realized just what was coming.

 _SLAM!_

"WELL AT LEAST SOMEONE'S HAVING A GOOD DAY!"

"Uh-oh," muttered most everyone in the room as a very familiar and very angry girl-ship limped into the room on her crutches, a storm of furious emotions swirling around her petite form.

That served to shake Vivi out of the rest of her dizziness, and she shot a concerned look Merry's way. "Wha—!? Merry, what's wrong!?"

The question caused Merry to freeze in her tracks. "What's… wrong?" she whispered slowly.

Once again, most of us flinched at the reaction.

"Heyah we go again…" Carue groaned miserably as he tensed in anticipation.

"What's wrong!? What's _WRONG?!"_ the transmogrified caravel howled as she rounded on Vivi and flailed one of her crutches in her face. "EVERYTHING IS WRONG! I'm a rock in water, a cripple on land, and _useless_ all around! I ate that fruit so that I wouldn't die, but instead all I've managed to do is land myself in my own personal _hell!"_

Vivi blinked in shock, too taken aback to react properly. "Ah—?"

Not even waiting for an answer, Merry swung her crutch out as she continued ranting. "What's the point of me being able to stay with you all if I can't even _do_ anything? I wanted to go with you all on adventures, not lag behind and end up having to be protected from whatever happens! This isn't life! This isn't _living!_ Why me, why me, why _meee…"_ Merry trailed off into incoherent muttering and ranting as she started pacing back and forth in place.

Robin took the opportunity to get back to her feet and slide up close to me. "Care to explain?" she muttered.

"We managed to get Merry walking properly a few hours ago," Sanji leaned over and whispered back. "But right around then, I think the true weight of her transition finally hit her."

"Personally, I'm sure she'd be able to handle it relatively fine under normal circumstances," I hissed. "But if I had to guess, I'd say that the emotional instability of her prepubescent body isn't meshing well with the stress. Simply put, her stress and emotions have been periodically bursting out into wild tantrums like this one!"

"I see…" Robin mused as she tracked Merry as she shuffled about. "So, she rants and rages for a bit and then she calms down?"

I winced and shook my head grimly. "Noooot quite. See, during these episodes? Merry's been cycling through a little psychological phenomenon you might be familiar with known as the Five Stages of Grief. First there's Denial—"

"This can't be happening to me," Merry muttered fervently as she paced back and forth in place. "This isn't happening, not to me, not to _me!_ I'm a good ship, I'm a good person, I refuse to believe it, I-I _refuse!"_

"Second is Anger."

"This is fucking bullshit! RAAAAGH!" Merry suddenly howled in outrage. " _THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR, DAMN IT ALL! I JUST WANTED TO FUCKING_ LIVE! _IS THAT SERIOUSLY_ SO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK FOR!?"

"Third is Bargaining."

"Ple-e-ease!" Merry flopped herself onto the nearest bed and started weeping almost comical streams of tears. "I'll do anything you want! I swear, I'll feed the homeless, I'll be nice to kids, I'll clean up my act wholesale, just fi-i-ix _meeeee!"_

"Fourth is Depression."

" _WAAAAAAAAAH!"_

"And finally, Accept— _GRK!"_ I was cut off by a pair of hands suddenly grabbing my collar and yanking me down so that I was face-to-face with a thoroughly incensed tyke.

"YOU DID THIS TO ME, YOU RAGING BASTARD!" she spat murderously. " _YOU DID THIS TO ME!"_

"Though sometimes," Su snickered from behind her paw. "She also cycles right back around to anger!"

"Get! Her! Off!" I gagged fearfully.

"R-Right!" Conis yelped frantically, hastily darting forward and grabbing Merry off of me. "Merry, I'm so sorry about how things are right now, but please calm down! You're—!"

"CALM THIS!" _THWACK!_

"— _GUGH!"_ Conis wheezed as a flailing heel swung into her gut and knocked the wind out of her, only just managing to keep her hold on the girl-ship. "Owowow… could someone help me please!?"

" _Hm…"_ Chopper hummed thoughtfully without looking up from his work. " _A sharp decrease in oxygen intake could serve to stabilize her mood."_

Conis snapped her gaze up to Chopper with an offended gasp. "I am _not_ putting Merry in a chokehold— _GYEEP!"_ She stiffened abruptly when the caravel suddenly sank her teeth into her forearm and started gnawing. "…No matter how tempted I might be," she finished through gritted teeth.

Chopper slowly looked over the paper he was holding in order to grace the angel with a flat look. " _Or you could simply make use of a paper bag,"_ he droned.

The gunner had the good graces to blush in embarrassment. "Ah…"

"Here, allow me," Robin offered as she crossed her arms.

A secondary pair of arms grew from Conis' shoulders and made to grab at Merry's head, prompting Merry to snap her jaws at them, only for a _tertiary_ pair that had hidden themselves behind Conis' back to whip out and cover Merry's mouth with a paper bag before she could react.

Merry kept struggling and fighting in the grip of our angel for a bit, but eventually her flailing subsided as the rate at which the bag was inflating and constricting slowed down. Once she stilled herself, Robin removed the bag, and Conis relaxed her grip as she looked down at her.

"Better?" she asked.

"Hah… hoo… yeah… I-I'm good, I'm good," Merry nodded wearily, prompting Conis to smile and drop her to the floor. "Sorry about doing that… again." She hung her head apologetically as she scratched the back of her skull. "I'm still shaken up is all, not thinking straight. But, ah… I-I think I'm fine now, really! I'm pretty sure I got most of it out of me, and I don't think it should happen again!"

Merry then adopted an eager grin as she started limping towards the door as fast as her crutches could carry her. "I'm just gonna go and take a dip to cool off and—!"

" _NO!"_ we all roared as one, Usopp even going so far as to Shave behind her, grab her hood and dig his heels into the woodwork.

"But—!" she started to protest.

" _NO!"_

"Dumbass!" Su concurred laughing.

Robin cocked an eyebrow at the display before slowly leaning towards me. "Just how many times has she—?"

"Five…" I ground out. "In the past _three_ hours."

"I just wanna swiiiim…" Merry wept childishly.

"Ah… actually, now that I think about it…" Usopp mused as he scratched his chin thoughtfully, then reached into his bag. "I might have an idea."

"REALLY!?" Merry squealed ecstatically, stars shining in her eyes.

"Wait for it…" Nami muttered under her breath.

"You can swim—"

"THANK YOU, USOPP! I LOVE YOU I LOVE Y—"

Usopp removed an inflatable ring with a _very_ familiar sheep's head bobbing on the front. "As long as you wear this."

Merry froze so fast that I swear I heard the air shatter around us.

Unfortunately for him, however, our sniper didn't notice Merry's reaction and instead smiled eagerly. "Well, what do you think? Did I get the face right?"

"And in three, two, one…" I counted down beneath my breath.

"What do I _think!?"_

 _THWACK!_

" _YEOW!"_

"Lift off, we have lift off."

"I THINK I WOULDN'T USE THAT THING IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!" Merry snapped, chasing Usopp around the room as she wailed on him with her crutches.

"And the humor is back," I snickered amidst everyone either laughing quietly or all-out howling with laughter.

And so the routine went on…

" _FWEEEET!"_

"GAH!"

"YEOW!"

"SONNUVA BITCH!"

Until a shrill-as-all-hell ear-piercing whistle caused us all to flinch and whip our hands to our ears. Except for Luffy, of course, who kept eating obliviously on without missing a beat.

"What the _hell—?!"_ Lassoo bit out painfully as he rubbed his ears.

" _Glad to see_ _ **you're all having fun…"**_

"Eh?" I blinked in surprise before turning my attention to my bed table, where a familiar pair of eyestalks had poked out of their shell. "Oh, hey, Soundbite."

"HEY YOURSELF," he scowled as he slid from his shell and swept his eyestalks over us. " **Sorry to break up the mood,** _ **I love seeing LONGNOSE GET HIS ASS BEAT**_ _AS MUCH AS THE_ **NEXT GUY—!"**

"Chug a salt shaker!" Usopp cursed acridly as he hopped around on his less injured foot.

"—BUT UNFORTUNATELY, _FUN TIME IS OVER."_ Soundbite snapped his gaze to a wall. " **Look alive, boys and girls;** _we've got company, and they're flying_ _ **gull, white and blue."**_

Suffice to say that the mood died after that little proclamation, and was instead swiftly replaced by the occupants of the room scrambling for their weapons and/or to get into battle positions with a combination of panic and desperation.

"HOLD EVERYTHING!" I shouted.

All movement froze, and I took the opportunity to snatch up Soundbite and hold him in my palm. "Is there a guy with kukri knives near the front?"

Soundbite's expression fell flat. "I'M GOOD, _**not psychic, DINGUS."**_

I winced as I realized that he had a point. "Fair enough, let's try that again. Is there a guy near the front who seems outwardly calm, inwardly excited?"

"NOW THAT _is feasible._ _ **Uno momento, por favor."**_ He concentrated for only a second before blinking in surprise. " _Uh…_ **huh, yeah, he… is?** _ **WAIT, WHY DOES HE SOUND—?"**_

"Good," I nodded firmly, pacing over to the table where I'd left my effects. "I know _just_ what to do about this, then."

Everyone watched in anticipation as I donned my greaves and arranged my gauntlets on top of the table, as well as my transceiver… and then I grinned eagerly as I withdrew my transceiver's mic and started counting down in my head. "Time for another broadcast!"

 _WHAM!_

The group face-fault was _very_ satisfying.

" _Crooooooss…"_ Sanji ground out slowly as he started to climb to his feet, the air starting to shimmer from sheer heat around him.

"Are you _already_ going back on your promise?" Usopp demanded.

"Hey, what can I say?" I shrugged casually, even as I approached what I judged to be a good distance from the wall Soundbite had indicated. "I consider this to fall in the 'harmless' category, especially when you take into account that not only is there no malice in this little incursion, but I've got the _perfect_ shield up and ready in case he decides to get impolite!"

"Huh?" Vivi frowned in confusion. "Wait, what do you mean by—?"

"Hell- _oooo_ people of the world!" I cut Vivi off once my countdown hit zero and I approximated that I had enough viewers. "It's been far too long and I'm _ever_ so glad to be back on the air after recovering from the freaking hellish ordeal my friends and I just went through! I'm Jeremiah Cross, and with me as always is my partner in crime—"

"THAT WOULD BE _**ME,**_ **SOUNDBITE!"**

"Here to bring you another marvelous edition of—"

"The SBS, starting now!" Lassoo woofed, his tongue lolling out as he panted eagerly. "I think I see why Soundbite does that now! That shtick is _fun!"_

I cast a glare at the mutt that was more amused than annoyed. "And for once, ladies and gentlemen, I have no time to be angry at being interrupted—"

" _SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!"_

"—because today we have a special guest joining us here on the SBS!" I spun my arms before pointing both fingers at the appropriate wall. "All the way from Marine Headquarters, he uses mountains as sandbags, he almost had us at Enies, and he's the bane of pirates everywhere!"

Vivi paled in horror as the Beri dropped for her. "Oh, dear sweet Anubis, no," she breathed in horror.

"Don't tell me…" Sanji whimpered at almost the same time as his cigarette dropped from his mouth.

"He's also renowned as the rival of the King, the blunter of the Don, and the second of the Buddha!" I continued emphatically.

Everyone else swiftly paled as well as they realized _who_ I was describing, and they fearfully backed away from the wall as a result.

Robin in particular was having a unique reaction, apparently caught between bowel-dropping terror, fond exasperation, and more than a little bit of amusement. "Honestly," she chuckled even as she kept a white-knuckled grip on her hat. "I just don't know _what_ I was expecting."

"Pirates and Marines the world over," I wound up for the grand finale, keeping a close eye on Soundbite for the appropriate timing cues. "Please put your hands together foooor…"

 _SMASH!_

I shut my eye in an instinctual flinch as the wall imploded, showering us all with dust and debris, before stabbing my finger at the figure visible through the dust. "Gaaaaaarp the Herooooo _ooooh what the fuck are you wearing!?"_ I hastily swapped my words around as I _actually_ managed to catch sight of Garp and, to reiterate, _what the fuck he was wearing._

To clarify, 'what the fuck he was wearing' consisted of the following items: a Hawaiian floral-print shirt, decorated with palm trees, waves, and bikini-clad tiki dancers. Solid blue board shorts that I was thanking my lucky stars was _not_ a speedo. A battered straw hat that looked like it had been sitting in a closet under a pile of _other_ crap for twenty years. The _tackiest_ pair of black aviator sunglasses I had ever seen. Straw _fucking_ sandals! And to slap a bow on the whole thing, he even had a stripe of white sunblock on his nose _right_ above his shit-eating grin!

Speaking as a native Floridian, I could say with complete and utter certainty that Vice-Admiral Monkey D. Garp looked like the absolute tackiest, most _stereotypical_ beach tourist I had ever seen in my _life_.

And just to rub it in, he was _not_ a unique case. Behind Garp, just barely visible through the settling dust, I could see a distinctly uncomfortable Coby and Helmeppo dressed in almost exactly the same style, the 'almost' coming from Helmeppo keeping his… actually admittedly cool shades. And then of course behind _them_ was an entire _battalion_ of Marines in variations on the _exact same outfit_ , still in tight _parade formation_ with their rifles on their shoulders!

Hell, even Garp's second in command, ah… damn it, what was his name… bah, you know, the cool-looking motherfucker with the fedora? Even he was midway to the look, because while he was still wearing his officer's jacket and fedora, beneath it he _also_ had on a floral-print shirt _and_ the fedora he was wearing was made out of straw!

Now, honestly, shocking as this all was, I'd like to think I could have handled it all in stride… until Garp raised _a coconut shell with a straw and a slice of lime sticking out of it_ to his mouth, nay, his _smirk_ , so that he could take a sip, at which point I decided that I'd had _enough._

"Vice Admiral Garp…" I started slowly as I tried to kickstart my brain back into gear. "Why in the name of _hell-if-I-know_ are you dressed like you're on _oh shitbiscuits you're on vacation, aren't you?"_ I finished in a rush as realization hit me like the Puffing Tom.

Robin blinked in confusion at my statement before shaking her head in exasperation. "Cross, I know that your guesses are usually accurate to an almost uncanny degree, but even by your standards that is just—!"

"BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" Garp cut her off when he threw his head back and roared with laughter. "Yup, Jonny-boy definitely has the right of it: for every bit that you're stupid insane, you're also stupid smart, Cross!" He puffed his chest out as he jabbed his thumb at himself. "Of course I'm on vacation! Because if I weren't, how else would I be able to visit my adorable grandson while you're around without the rest of the World Government getting on my ass for not doing my job, hm?"

I blinked in surprise as I followed that logic before nodding in acknowledgement. "That's… actually pretty damn smart. The get-up is way tacky, but fair enough."

"BWAHAHA!" Garp jutted his chin out with a bark. "High praise, coming from you!"

Robin's eyes twitched as she slowly looked between the two of us before taking off her hat. "One moment, please."

 _THWACK!_

She then shoved her hat back on as the arm that had dope-slapped her dissolved. "Carry on."

Her reaction wasn't the only incredulous one amongst the crew.

"…I don't know what I was expecting… but this is decidedly _not_ it," Vivi managed through her dropped jaw.

"Ditto…" Carue quacked numbly.

"How exactly is _anyone_ supposed to react to something like this?" Chopper asked with honest curiosity.

"Personally, I'm wondering about what we should be more concerned about: him being here, that there's a Marine as crazy as him, or Cross _not_ expecting this?" Su swallowed fearfully. "We're in uncharted waters now…"

Conis started to nod in agreement before freezing as she realized something. "Wait… did he just say that he's here… to visit his _grandson?"_

 _That_ brought the rest of my crewmates up short, several of them repeating the word in shock. "'Grandson'!?"

Soundbite's eyes shot wide as he was struck dead-on by realization. "OOOH…"

Garp's grin widened as he slowly stepped into the room. "Yup, that's exactly right. My grandson is on your crew, and I'm here to pay him a long-overdue visit. And now that I'm here, it's time for said grandson…" Garp's grin widened as he drew his fist back.

 _ **SMASH!**_

"OOOOW!"

"TO STOP STUFFING HIS FACE AND WAKE THE HELL UP!"

And delivered an absolutely _devastating_ haymaker to Luffy, punching him clean through the table and causing our newly awakened captain to roll on the floor in agony.

"OWOWOWOOOOOW!" Luffy cried as he clutched his forehead. "IT HURTS IT HURTS IT _HUUURTS!"_

" **Heeheehee** _hoohoohooHAHAHA!_ **I SEE THE** _ **RESEMBLANCE!"**_ Soundbite cackled eagerly.

"I know, right?" I muttered with a shudder. Reading about it was one thing, but actually _seeing_ the legitimately strongest person I knew get taken down with a single punch?

I hid my grin behind my gauntlet. This… This was going to be _so much fun._

As usual, my crewmates didn't _quite_ agree with my sentiments.

"AAAAH! WHAT THE HELL!?" Usopp shrieked in terror. "T-T-THAT ACTUALLY HURT LUFFY!?"

"But I thought that Luffy was supposed to be _immune_ to blunt force trauma!" Nami cursed as she gripped her staff, her Eisen Tempo curling defensively around her.

" _ **I know!"**_ Chopper squealed in a dementedly eager tone. " _ **Isn't it iiiinteres—!"**_

 _THWACK!_

"OW!… thanks Conis."

"You're welcome, though…" Conis swallowed heavily as she gripped the rifle she was clutching. "I wonder if I shouldn't have let you stay that way."

"Could it be—?" Vivi whipped her hand to her mouth with a gasp of realization.

Noticing Garp starting to puff himself up, I hastily snapped my fingers and pointed at him. "And your next line is," I grinned eagerly as I reconfirmed _exactly_ what I'd read so long ago. "'There's no defense against a Fist of Love.'"

"There's no defense against a Fist of Love," Garp unintentionally echoed before he actually processed what I'd said. Then he blinked and glanced at me as I crossed my arms behind my head, a grin stretching my face.

"Oooohh, I've been hurting for an opportunity to pull that bit off for _so long_ ," I sighed blissfully.

" _You only_ _ **wish**_ **you could be** _AS GOOD AS_ **JOSEPH!"** Soundbite chortled. "BUT THAT WAS A _**GOOD TRY NONETHELESS!"**_

"Tsk," Garp raised his arms in a shrug as he shook his head in defeat. "Said it before, I'll say it again: crazy little—!"

"GYAAAAGH!" Garp was cut off by Luffy screaming in terror as he actually caught sight of him and started pointing a shaking finger at the object of his fear. "G-G-G-G—!"

The Vice Admiral was swift to regain his composure as he responded with a smirk, taking hold of his shades and drawing himself up to his full height. "Awww, what's wrong, Luffy?" he asked as he thumbed his glasses onto his forehead, allowing him to smile at Luffy in full. "Didn't you miss your beloved old Grandpa?"

" _GRANDPA!?"_ everyone else squawked in shock.

For my part, I chose to hide an ear-to-ear grin behind my fist. "If I had to guess, I'd say he'd hoped you'd fossilized by now," I muttered under my breath.

"Cocky little shit say what?"

I blinked in confusion. "Wha—?"

 _THWACK!_

I came to about two minutes later, when someone grabbed the back of my collar and yanked me out of the… floorboards? Yes, it appears I'd been punched through the floorboards. Well _shit._

"Hold still," muttered a voice that I recognized as Chopper's, and I registered a hoof reaching towards my face.

"Eh? What are you—?"

My question was rudely interrupted by our doctor grabbing something in front of my face and _yankingohsonofa—!_

"—FUCK!" I howled, jerking up as I clutched my face. "What the blue blazes was _that_ for?!"

"Splinter," Chopper deadpanned as he held up a solid _inch_ of wood. I stiffened in shock as I processed what I was seeing, and I gingerly raised my finger to poke at a small puncture wound _six_ millimeters from my left eye.

"Meep."

"Wow, he really _is_ fragile," I heard Garp mutter.

My eye twitched slightly at the comment before I shook my head with a groan and pushed myself into a sitting position. "Ugh… how much did I miss?"

"Oh, nothing much," Robin hummed as she slid up next to me and plopped my hat back on my head. "He hit Luffy a few more times, bemoaned him not being a Marine, explained the balance of the Three Great Powers, the Four Emperors, elaborated that Luffy's hat came from _Red-Haired Shanks…_ " She cocked a disbelieving eyebrow at me. "Any particular reason why you elected to _not_ share that tidbit?"

"Too much fun, never came up, he was going to tell you anyways. Pick a number and toss a die," I groused sourly as I poked at the lump growing from my skull. Christ on a pikestaff, that bastard hit like a freight train! Probably literally! "Eurgh… well at least I didn't miss any of the _fun_ parts. But… if that's all he's said, then… shouldn't Zoro be back by now?"

Of course, that was _precisely_ when the sounds of an all-out _brawl_ erupted from the back of the horde of Marines Garp had brought with him.

" **Damn,"** Soundbite whistled in awe. " _Even concussed,_ YOU'VE GOT THAT _**down to a science!"**_

"Mad skills, brah," I deadpanned as I flashed a shaka symbol. In all honesty, I was more focused on observing the two quote-unquote 'rookies' Garp had brought with him. I _really_ wanted to see what these two were capable of.

"Hm? Ah, right, your swordsman. Your… first mate, isn't he?" Garp grinned as he looked over his shoulder at this men getting plowed down. "Good timing, I was just looking for somebody I could use as a test. Hey, you two."

The Master Chief Petty Officer and Chief Petty Officer snapped to attention. "Sir!"

"Chances are you're gonna lose and badly, but even so…" He flashed them a winning smile as he popped a thumbs-up. "At least try and last two seconds, alright? One second each!"

And _that_ caused the Master Chief Petty Officer and Chief Petty Officer to slump in despair. "Yes, sir…"

Still, credit where it was due, in spite of their reluctance the pair didn't even hesitate to face Zoro when he became visible in the crowd and charge him as one.

 _CR-CR-CR-CRACK!_

However, for all that their valor was well and good, they only made it about halfway when they were forced to come to a screeching halt as a rain of bullets broke up the ground a few inches in front of them.

Before they could react further, Coby's hand shot up, snatching the handle of a kunai with the point two inches from his forehead and then seamlessly flowing into a series of blocks that deflected the rest. Helmeppo, meanwhile, had drawn his kukri and was using them to only _just_ hold off what appeared to be a _buzzsaw_ the size of his torso with a red cable leading out of it and off to _somewhere_ that was grinding into his blades with abandon.

Zoro stopped as well, observing the clash for a moment before glaring to the side. "Care to explain why you're stealing _my_ fight?"

"You seem to be forgetting, first mate."

Boss blinked into visibility in front of Zoro as he came out of his Sha— _Rip Current_ , and moments later three of his four students appeared out of nowhere to flank him as well; Mikey spun his pistols as he reloaded them, Donny held a trio of kunai between the 'fingers' of one flipper while the other held his staff across his shoulders, and Raphey jerked back on the end of the red cable she was holding, withdrawing the disc of death that was assaulting Helmeppo and catching it, revealing it to be a massive shuriken almost as large as her that she sheathed on her back.

"Our position on this crew," Boss snorted as he tapped off the ashes on the end of his cigarette. "Is as the ship's guards. End of the day, we are the very _bottom_ of the pecking order. If the enemy can't get past us? Then they're just not worth your trouble."

Coby and Helmeppo glanced at one another with uncertainty for a moment, but they swiftly fell into battle-ready positions…

"Please, try it."

Before stiffening as Leo poked his swords into the smalls of their backs.

"No, really, I'm serious," Leo goaded them eagerly. "I am _honestly curious_ about how you two _actually_ think you can beat us, and I've been itching for a nice and curbstompy fight for a while now. So, if you could do me a favor and give me a reason to kick your asses? I would be _most_ appreciative."

The Chief Petty Officers visibly hesitated…

"BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Before snapping their heads around to look back at their teacher as he started laughing.

"HAHAHA… eheh… heh…" Garp trailed off into chuckles as he wiped his eyes. "Ahhhh… good stuff, that. Yeah, sorry you two, but if you actually value your hides, you had better _not_ fight."

"V-Vice Admiral?!" they asked incredulously.

"Yeah, I'm with them; mind running that by us again?" Mikey asked with a cock of his head. "You mean to tell us that you're _actually_ smart enough to know when to fold them?"

Garp grinned darkly in response. "Not like I actually have much choice, you know? These brats are good and all, sure…" his grin widened as he directed his gaze at Boss. "But they haven't been around _nearly_ long enough to have a hope of taking on the second generation of apprentices to come from the strongest Dugong in the New World, much less the sole member of the first generation himself."

A single second of silence followed those words before Boss's cigar _snapped_ between his 'fingers', though going by the way he was blankly staring at Garp, I don't think he honestly even _noticed._

"You… know my master?" Boss finally managed to breathe.

"BWAHAHA!" Garp barked as he scratched his finger beneath his nose. "Know him? I take a day off to have a scrap with him at _least_ three times a year, and each time is as good as the last! Though, eh…" he glanced away with a scowl. "The fact that the damn bastard doesn't tend to hang around in any one place for that long makes tracking him down time and time again a damn nightmare."

Boss blinked slowly at the statement before slowly turning to look towards the horizon. "…knew the old bastard was still alive. I damn well _knew it…"_ he muttered quietly.

"Ah… hang on, Boss' master?" Usopp asked in interest. "Who are we talking about here?"

"Sifu Dugong," Raphey breathed in awe. "We'll tell you the details later, but for now, suffice to say he's the strongest dugong in our species' history!"

"Last rumor I heard?" Mikey piped up. "He can kill a Sea King with one punch!"

"Now _that's_ a bold-faced lie!" Garp sniffed indignantly… before popping up a trio of fingers. "Last time I saw that old bag of bones, he was strong enough to take down _three_ Sea Kings at once, easy. If you're going to spread rumors, at least make sure they're accurate."

There was a resounding silence in response to _that_ proclamation, during which Coby and Helmeppo exchanged a frantic look, following which…

"PLEASE SPARE MY WORTHLESS LIFE!"

"Hahaha! Wow, Luffy! It looks like you've really gathered an incredible crew!"

One of them collapsed to their knees begging for their life, while the other scratched behind his head as he laughed happily.

Three guesses on who did and said what.

"Huh? Why're you talking about me like you know me? Although… you do look sort of familiar…" Luffy frowned and bowed his head in what I had no doubt was _intense_ thought. And then, to the utter shock of all, he snapped his head up with a gasp as he pounded his fist in his palm. "Wait, now I remember who you are!"

"Eh?" I blinked in shock before leaning forwards in curiosity, more than a few of the onlookers joining me. Was… Was this really happening? Had our captain, Monkey D. Luffy, one of the densest people in existence, actually managed to grow a brain!?

The rubber-man in question pointed at the eager pink-haired Marine with a triumphant grin. "You're Natsu Dragneel."

 _WHAM!_

Yeeeaaah, _no._

Of course, Garp, Coby, and Helmeppo all face-faulted, as would be the natural reaction. But me? I actually felt my skull _bleeding_ from how hard I hit my head, and going by the sound of grinding enamel coming from my shoulder I wasn't alone.

However, I only maintained that position for a moment before unholy _RAGE_ flooded my mind and I forced myself to my feet so that Soundbite and I could vent our frustration. A process I started off by bringing my fist down on my Captain's head as hard as I could.

Of course, once he started twitching and trying to pull his head out of the floorboards, indicating that he was still alive (which was fortunate _and_ unfortunate in equal measure) we decided to vent vocally rather than physically.

" _ **RIGHT**_ _Genre,_ **WRONG** UNIVERSE _, MORON!"_ Soundbite howled viciously.

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT YOUR STUPIDITY _LITERALLY_ TRANSCENDS TIME AND SPACE?!" I roared with all that my lungs were capable of.

"Uh, heh, I wouldn't be too surprised if it did," Coby chuckled, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly as he righted himself and crouched before my struggling captain. "But, ah, still… Luffy, it's me, Coby. You know, from the East Blue?"

"EH!?" Luffy barked as he wrenched his head from the floor with a single jerk, blinking at the Marine in question in awe. "Wimpy Coby!? No way! The last time I saw Coby, he was—!"

I tuned out the conversation as I turned on my heel and walked back into the house, massaging my flaming temples as I tried to calm myself down. Honestly, most of the time Luffy's stupidity was hilarious, really, it was, but _that!?_ There are _limits,_ damn it all! _Standards!_

I was drawn from my blackened thoughts by a slight tugging on my pants leg, a glance downwards revealing it to be none other than Raphey smirking up at me.

"Idiocy isn't quite so funny when it's concentrated like that, is it now?" she taunted.

I ground my teeth as I reigned in my temper before finally snorting out a heavy breath. "No," I growled. "No, it is not. Usually, it's funny. Breaking the laws of reality? That's something else entirely. In small doses it's fine, but concentrated like that…" I cast a meaningful glance to the side. "How do you deal with it?"

Raphey followed my gaze and promptly adopted a grimace. "Well, I'll admit it's not easy…"

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TWO LOOKING AT ME WHEN YOU SAY THAT?!" Mikey cried indignantly. "I'M NOWHERE NEAR AS BAD AS HIM, NUH-UH, NO WAY IN HELL, THAT'S JUST NOT—!"

 _CRACK!_

"— _owie…"_ he whimpered into the wall his face had been buried in.

"But as you can see," Raphey chuckled as she blew the smoke off her flipper. "I handle it pretty handily, thank you very much."

I contemplated that for a moment before electing to shift the discussion with as subtle a cough as I could manage. "So! A… what, 'fuuma' shuriken, I think it was, and kunai, huh? I guess you've all got long range covered now."

"Meh, more like mid-ranged, but I'm not complaining," Raphey grinned as she unslung her wheel of death and started spinning it around a flipper as though it _couldn't_ decapitate someone with ease. "This beast's a monster to handle, but the training I've had with Vivi gives me a good idea on how to work chain weaponry. Anybody tries anything up close, they get the sai, and if they try anything from far off?" She halted her spinning and jabbed one of the shuriken's blades dead ahead with a smirk. "They get _this_ baby!"

"Unfortunately, not all of us are being as lucky…" Donny groused as he examined his staff. "I've found the kunai knife to be an agreeable weapon, true, but as it is I'm carrying them all around in my shell, and that's neither comfortable _nor_ practical." He glanced up at me with a cocked eyebrow. "I only hope my _memory_ is good enough that I can replicate whatever mechanism that Foxy Pirate used in her baton."

I pegged on to what he was implying easily enough and flashed him an 'a-ok' sign. "I'm _sure_ that you'll figure it out with time, don't worry."

"Hmph. Infidels."

"Eh?" I blinked at Leo in surprise, shocked to see him leaning against the wall with a scowl. "The heck are you talking about?"

"You heard me, didn't you?" Leo glared at me defiantly. "Come on. In case you haven't noticed, we're known as _Kung-Fu_ dugongs. Martial arts, armed or un-armed, is our specialty! We beat our enemies up close and personal, not from a distance like a dirty coward! There is no honor, no _glory_ in—!"

"Eh, don't pay him any mind," Mikey scoffed casually as he dug a 'finger' in the approximate location of his ear. "He's just salty because he hasn't figured out how to use those cool flying slashes Zoro uses yet, and he can't channel Typhoon Lash down them either, which he hasn't figured out yet, for that matter."

"NEITHER HAVE YOU AND NOT FOR A LACK OF TRYING, EITHER!" the katana-wielder exploded furiously. "AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT, DAMN IT! NO MATTER HOW MUCH I PUT INTO MY SWORDS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH ZORO _OR_ BOSS PUSHES ME, I CAN'T… make… them…"

He suddenly trailed off, slowly looking over his shoulder at his own swords, then at Zoro's, and then up at me. "Cross… is it even _possible_ to accomplish the flying slash with normal swords, or do they have to be _Legendary Swords,_ like Zoro's trio?"

I opened my mouth to respond, then frowned as I ran over the swordsmen that I knew had used flying slashes. "Come to think of it, I… don't think I've ever heard of any normal blades sending flying slashes without Devil Fruit enhancements? Though…" I tapped my chin thoughtfully. "I'm sure that a world-class swordsman like Mihawk or someone could, but…"

Leo set his jaw tightly as he reached up to grip one of his katana's hilts. "In that case… there's just nothing for it, is there? These two have served me faithfully over the years, but if I'm going to hone my style any further…" He shook his head in defeat. "I officially need an upgrade."

I winced sympathetically at the poor dugong's plight, but before I could say anything on the matter, a familiar finger tapping me on my shoulder drew my attention away.

"Pardon the interruption, Cross," Robin said politely. "But if you don't mind, would you kindly elaborate on the relationship between Luffy, Zoro and those two?" She nodded her head at where the four in question (three, really, seeing as Helmeppo was sobbing pitifully over being forgotten) were talking. "I can only imagine that the tale surrounding them must be at least marginally fascinating."

I considered the question for a moment before shrugging, though before I said jack I made sure to cover my transceiver's mouthpiece. After all, it wouldn't do to go spreading around that Coby was an ex-pirate, however unwilling.

"Not that much of a story to tell. Coby was an unwilling cabin boy for the Alvida Pirates and Helmeppo was the spoiled brat of a corrupt-to-the-core Marine Captain in the East Blue."

Robin hid a chuckle behind her hand. "And then Luffy arrived and removed the both of them with his fists, I'm guessing?"

I smiled back in turn. "Yeah, that _is_ how most stories involving Luffy usually go, isn't it? Anyway, that was about seven months or so ago, when Luffy first set out. Awhile after that, the two were… let's say 'lucky' enough to catch Garp's attention and he decided to personally train them. And believe you me when I say that for all he's a devil he's also damn effective, because if you'd seen those two as they were then, you'd have a hard time recognizing them."

Nami took a moment to make sure my hand was still covering the mic before quietly asking, "So, if I had to guess, you're planning on—?"

"—eard you met your father in Loguetown."

Nami's question died in a choked gasp at the same time the blood evacuated my face. Damn it all, of _all_ the milestones to forget, I forget _this!?_

I suffered a minor panic attack as I considered _what the fuck to do._ I couldn't very well hang up, because if I did then Garp would be left hanging high and dry for why he didn't return to Marineford with us in tow, and for all that he could be a bastard at times I didn't want to see the old man suffer for visiting his grandson! And fat lot of good Gastro-Scramble would do with Soundbite all but guaranteed to flip out as much as everyone else! As for muffling the transceiver, while that was all well and good for quiet conversations, absolutely _nothing_ about what was about to happen was going to be quiet.

…Not remotely quiet. Why the hell didn't I think of that in the first place?

"Fair warning," I muttered absently as I slid my headphones on with one hand and started reaching for a very specific button with the other. "This is going to be _loud."_

Robin immediately clamped half a dozen hands over her ears, while everyone else blinked at me in confusion before stiffening in utter horror. Some _tried_ to make a move at me…

But too late.

"Your father's name is…"

 **-o-**

 _ **BWAAAAAAAAAH!**_

' _Pros and cons of the SBS and its host,'_ the Most Wanted Man in the World idly mused as he dug a finger in his ear. ' _Pro: one of the greatest allies to the cause I've ever seen, and an incredibly inspiring individual besides. Con: he's giving me tinnitus.'_ Dragon weighed the options for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Hmm, a small price to pay."

His reaction was easily the most subdued among the command center, with everyone _else_ laid out flat and groaning as they clutched their ears.

And Cross, of course, was just chuckling.

" _I love this thing,_ so _much."_

"WE KNOW!" the nerve center of the Revolutionaries roared alongside the majority of the world.

However, not _all_ of the world was content to leave matters at that.

" _You little_ brat…" Garp growled venomously. " _Maybe I should show you my own brand of Love again and see if_ that _example manages to beat the stupid out of you, hm?!"_

Cross's eyes widened in terror for a moment before he hastily adopted a heavy scowl. " _Before you start that little demonstration of yours, may I remind you of the sheer magnitude of what you were about to say? If you'd think about it just a little, just a_ tiny _bit, I think you'd find that it's not a good idea to spill that secret to everyone who's here. Especially since, in case you've forgotten,_ the SBS is still running. _Do you really think that_ that's _something to blab to the whole freaking_ world?"

There was a brief moment of confusion, on account of the past minute of the SBS having been muffled, and then the crew's doctor, Chopper, posed an innocent question: " _Is Luffy's dad really_ that _big a deal?"_

While the control room burst into not-so-quiet mutters, the snail snorted and shook its head. " _The absolute biggest deal, Chopper. If you thought the Government wanted our heads now, you should see how badly they'll want them if_ this _little tidbit gets out. And not just them, either!"_

Dragon had to fight _very_ hard to keep from stiffening at those words, and even then he couldn't keep the shock off his face. ' _There's no doubt now, he knows. Not only that, but Garp was about to—!?'_ Dragon's expression promptly fell flat. ' _No, of course he was about to, that comes as no surprise whatsoever. But still…'_ The original Revolutionary observed the Transponder Snail with restrained wonder. ' _How could he possibly know that?'_

Meanwhile, the rest of the command room was equally active, if louder.

"Is Luffy's father that important a guy?" Koala asked her old comrade curiously.

Sabo could only reply with a numb shake of his head. "This is the first I've heard of Luffy having a dad at all. Not even _he_ knows who he is!"

The snail had adopted a surprised look for several seconds following Cross' question. Then, he grinned and chuckled. " _Bah, I guess I shouldn't really be surprised that you know, eh? Especially after everything else you've blabbed about. Hell, it'd be weirder if you didn't! But… heh, yeah, I guess you're right."_

Dragon breathed a subtle sigh of relief at those words. For all that he allowed his son his independence, he did actually care for him, and he knew how much harder his journey would be if his heritage ever got out to the public.

As such, he thanked his lucky stars that for _once_ Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp had chosen to actually _use_ his brain.

" _After all,"_ Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp forged on with a solemn nod. " _It wouldn't be very smart to tell the whole world that Luffy's father is Monkey D. Dragon, the Revolutionary."_

The entirety of Baltigo… nay, the whole _world_ froze upon hearing those words.

And while everyone was frozen, Transponder Snails around the world twitched as they gaped in awe. "… _And yet, you tell them anyway,"_ Cross ground out in horrified incredulity.

There was a moment of silence before the snails blinked in realization and started chuckling sheepishly. " _Ah… yeah, guess I screwed up there, huh? Whoops, my bad."_

Within the command post of the Revolutionaries in the secret kingdom of Baltigo, Monkey D. Dragon the Revolutionary and Most Wanted Man in the World slapped a hand to his face with a groan. "God _damn it,_ Dad."

Apparently Cross was of the same opinion, if the way he suddenly set his jaw was anything to go by. "Y _ou there, with the hat. Could you do me a favor? Take this and whack him for me, would you? Trust me, his head'll break before it does."_

" _Well, I'll be glad to test_ that."

" _Eh?"_ Garp blinked in surprise. " _Wait, wha—?"_

 _CLANG!_

" _YEOOOOW!"_

" _Well, I'll be, it works. What's it made of?"_

" **Common materials** _ **enhanced to perfection by a GODLIKE ENTI—**_ **WAGH!"**

" _Shut it, you little—GRK! Ah… b-believe me, t-they call Vegapunk all kinds of crazy things out in the East Blue. But for now…"_ Cross adopted a grim expression. " _Before anyone properly freaks out, I have a few words I'd like to share. They are as follows…"_

"Well, _this_ should be good," Dragon drawled sardonically.

" _Folks, you heard it here, proof positive. Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, Hero of the Marines, the man reputed for being one of Gold Roger's most formidable rivals, has done the impossible: he's actually managed to prove himself stupider than Monkey D. Luffy._ _How he is still breathing, let alone chemically viable, is a mystery that haunts scientists the world over. His very existence is a divide-by-zero paradox that should have, by all rational thought, destroyed the universe threefold by now. The Great Old Ones have resigned their posts as bringers of insanity, as he has now rendered them redundant. God is dead because he killed himself out of shame for ever having allowed—OWOWOW! Withdrawn, withdrawn! Urgh… whatever. Anyway, I could keep going on and on, but I know that it would never touch upon the true extent of his impossible existence."_

In spite of himself, Dragon smirked. _That_ was refreshing to hear.

" _Aaaand that's all I wanted to say. Please feel free to react in an appropriate manner and make my foghorn seem like birdsong by comparison."_

And so the world proceeded to do just that.

 **-o-**

"STRAW HAT IS DRAGON'S SON!?"

Sodom and Gomorrah flinched as the force of their boss's shout caused their trailer to leap out of the water.

"THAT MAN ACTUALLY _HAD_ A SON?!" Kiwi loudly agreed.

"WAIT, DOES THAT MEAN THAT GARP 'THE HERO' IS _DRAGON'S FATHER?!"_ Mozu demanded.

" _THIS IS TOTALLY INSANE!"_ the trio finished as one.

[They're actually surprised by all of this?] Sodom asked his brother.

[Honestly, they _seriously_ should have seen something like this coming,] Gomorrah snorted in agreement.

 **-o-**

"Oh, dear, I was afraid of this…" Bentham sighed heavily as he waved a towel over Ivankov's insensate (and massive) face. "As if the knowledge of Straw Hat being Garp's grandson weren't pressing enough, _this_ new development's sent our dear ruler over the edge." He glanced over his shoulder fretfully. "How're those 20ccs of cosmotini coming?"

"Hey, don't rush me!" the current bartender protested. "This is a very delicate and involved—!"

"Ivankov!" Inazuma cried out as she (at the moment) rushed into Newkama Land's central area. "We just found—eh?" She skidded to a halt and blinked at the scene before her in confusion. "What happened here?"

"Oh, a tragedy is what happened, an utter tragedy!" the newest citizen of the okama haven wept dramatically as he spun in place. "Our glorious queen among kings was overwhelmed by the news of Straw Hat being Dragon's son, and he—!"

"Is totally faking it so that he can get at some extra alcohol past his ration because he has complete and utter control over his body's hormones, and as such _literally_ cannot faint," Inazuma finished flatly.

"AHEM!" Ivankov coughed as he shot to his feet and snapped his fist to his mouth. "You, ah, wanted to tell me something, Inazuma?"

"OH, GREAT MIRACLE-WORKER IVANKOV, HOW COULD YOU!?" Bentham sobbed in betrayal.

The scissor-human cocked an eyebrow at the overly dramatic—even by Okama standards—display before grinning at Ivankov. "We were patrolling the floors when we found a guest. I am fairly certain that you will be _very_ interested in them."

Ivankov blinked in surprise before returning the smile. "Oh, _really?_ Do tell."

 **-o-**

Meanwhile, back in Baltigo, the reaction that was being had to the announcement was perhaps the most… _unique_ of all.

"WOOHOO!" Koala shrieked joyously as she _literally_ danced around the control center, sweeping up anyone she could grab into a series of erratic spins and twirls. "I'M RICH! RICH RICH RICH _RIIIICH!"_

Dragon's eye twitched minutely as he watched the extra-species martial artist cavort about, casting a sidelong look at his Chief of Staff. "Dare I even ask?" he deadpanned.

"Ahhh…" Sabo rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "She… may or may not have placed one or two bets that may or may not have just paid out a rather _substantial_ amount?"

"I'M GONNA TAKE A VACATION AND BUY A WEEK FROM HEAVEN IN PUCCI!" Koala whooped as she started moonwalking on a table, a bib securely fastened around her neck. "SO! MUCH! _LOBSTER!"_

"…You're donating half of your winnings to the cause," Dragon finally said.

"Doesn't matter, because I still have enough left~!" Koala sang cheerfully, not even missing a beat as she kept her dance routine going.

 _That_ brought the Revolutionary up short. "She really won that much?"

"A… _lot_ of people were curious about you, chief. Sorry," Hack admitted.

Dragon blinked as he processed that before narrowing his eyes suspiciously. " _What_ were those bets on, exactly?"

Koala froze in place.

" _I'm-gonna-go-collect-my-winnings-and-pack-bye!"_

Before shooting out of the control room in a blur.

Sabo sighed as he observed the smoke trail his partner had left, slapping a hand to his face. "Simply put, she won the trifecta," he mumbled wearily. "That Luffy was your son, that you were Garp's son, and that, ah…" He glanced away with a sheepish blush. "That you're—?"

"THE HELL DO YOU MEAN IT DOESN'T COUNT!?"

 _SMASH!_

The Revolutionaries jumped in shock when one of the control center's walls suddenly _imploded_ on account of one of their comrades being _thrown through it._ Said comrade only had a second to recover before he found his collar grabbed and he was dragged face-to-face with a _very_ irate martial artist.

"Get this through your sea-prism-stone-thick skull, you moron!" Koala bit out menacingly. "Sabo is Luffy's _brother._ Blood can go hang for all I care, that means that Dragon is _his_ dad too, meaning that _you_ damn well lost! Now pay up or I will _put you through the floor!"_

The Revolutionary was swift to dig out a wad of cash and toss it at Koala, which prompted her to drop him and start thumbing through the bundle with a contented smile.

"Pleasure doing business with you~!" she sang as she turned right back around and walked out the very hole she'd caused.

A heavy silence hung in the room until Sabo coughed uncomfortably. "Ah, look, sir—!"

"Sabo, Koala just collected her rightly-won earnings that resulted from her good luck," Dragon interrupted him in a neutral tone. "Do you wish for her to give you the same treatment?"

"Ah…no, sir?" Sabo shook his head slowly.

"Then let's leave matters at that."

Sabo hesitated for a bare moment before snapping into a salute, a smile barely restrained. "Y-Yes, sir!"

Dragon nodded proudly before readopting his neutral expression and glancing to the side at the now-muttering Transponder Snail.

' _But still, all joking aside, this is the final straw. It's time that I arranged a meeting with Cross. A_ personal _meeting.'_

The Revolutionary started to turn and walk away…

" _Ergh… well, hell, if it's already out in the open like this… bah, at least there's nothing stopping me from being proud of my captain being the son of one of the greatest heroes in the world!"_

Before he and everyone else in the room _froze,_ Dragon in particular paralyzed by the sudden resurgence of a pounding in his skull that he hadn't felt in years.

' _Correction: I'll meet with Cross if he actually_ survives the day,' he groaned internally.

 **-o-**

Everyone in my line of sight was doing their best imitation of a statue, save for the sweat coming down all of their brows. And for good reason, too: the only person _not_ utterly paralyzed with terror was the very cause of that terror himself. Suffice to say that Garp the Hero's expression was quickly darkening, and if the growl that was starting to rumble forth from his throat was anything to go by, that was only the tip of the iceberg.

It should be noted, however, that it was _only_ everyone I could see that was freezing up. Me myself? Weeeell… my adrenaline had just kicked into the biggest high I'd felt since the flight to the White Sea, so _naturally_ I had an ear-to-ear grin on my face. "Pffheehee _heeeeee…"_ I whispered euphorically.

"OH GOD, _I'm attached to a_ _ **suicidal idiot…"**_ Soundbite whimpered through his stricken smile and tears.

"You knew that going into the Grand Line and don't you dare pretend otherwise," I hissed back.

" **What…"**

My spine snapped ramrod straight when Garp's voice suddenly shook the air, and I was _acutely_ aware of him turning to loom over me even from halfway across the room. I shivered as he marched up to me and only seemed to grow _bigger still._ Sweet heck, if the man didn't actually have Haki, then he _damn well_ knew how to fake it!

" **The hell,"** the goliath before me snarled. " _ **DID YOU JUST SAY?"**_

"Uhh…" I hedged nervously, glancing around as I centered my thoughts. In the process, I just so happened to catch sight of Nami and Robin, who both had their arms crossed and were shaking their heads frantically.

Well, there was really only one thing I could do, seeing that.

"Weeellll…" I slowly drawled as a massive grin spread across my face.

Nami slapped a hand to her face, while Robin whipped out and started writing on a notepad that had the words 'The Death of Jeremiah Cross' scrawled on the top of the first page.

I cocked my eyebrow at _that_ particular development before refocusing my grin at Garp. "To answer your question," I continued in a nonchalant tone, even as enough energy for ten Shaves thrummed within me. "It's simple, really: he's leading a fight against a tyrannical force of oppression that's dominating the entire world, so what _else_ could he be? Honestly, now, you should be _proud_ of him. After all…" I grinned innocently as I crossed my arms behind the back of my head. "He _is_ doing the Marines' rightful job. Riiiight?"

Garp ground his teeth as he slowly and audibly cracked his knuckles. " **You have** _ **one chance**_ **to take that back."**

I snorted in response, spreading my arms wide invitingly. "Buddy, in case you've forgotten, I _enjoy_ the rush of adrenaline terror affords me. So, please, feel free to _do your damn worst."_

" _ **OH GOD I POO'D…"**_ Soundbite wheezed, his eyes blank from fear.

" **WISH GRANTED!"** Garp rumbled, drawing his fist back in preparation.

For a bare moment, I actually felt a sliver of doubt.

"M-Mistah Gawp?"

And then everyone froze again, only this time it was on account of a distinctly small, timid, and positively _heartwrenching_ voice. All attention turned towards the source—

…I thought I had long since grown immune to the whole 'puppy-dog-eyes' bit thanks to Soundbite utterly _ruining it_ within the first week of me knowing him, but Merry proceeded to prove me wrong. I mean, seriously! Small, adorable, _and_ on crutches, with massive watery eyes and a quivering lower lip? You'd have to be utterly lacking of a heart to not be affected, as evidenced by Garp visibly faltering.

"A-Awe you going to hurt my big bwother?" Merry whimpered sorrowfully.

"A-A-Ah, I-I, ah, t-t-that is to say…" the Vice Admiral hedged fretfully, glancing to and fro in search of a response.

"P-P-Pwease don't hurt Cwoss…" Merry hiccupped, tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. "H-H-He's one of my b-bestest fwiends in the whole wowld, a-a-and he saved my w-w-wife! _P-Pwease,_ d-don't…" She bowed her head as she started crying softly.

"W-Well, I-I, uh…" Garp flinched back.

"Vice Admiral, how could you!"

I managed—somehow!—to wrench my attention away from the scene in front of me to catch sight of Coby glaring daggers at the Vice Admiral who, I should note, _massively_ outweighed him. And outranked him. And out- _everything'd_ him.

"Making an innocent young girl cry?" the Master Chief Petty Officer fumed. "You should be _ashamed_ of yourself!"

"B-But she—! A-And I—!" Garp scrambled to get his words together.

"You dirty bastard!" Helmeppo accused fervently.

"What kind of a man are you, huh!?" a random Marine piped up.

"Disgusting, simply disgusting!"

"Yeah, now I'm _definitely_ not naming my son after you!"

"N-N-Now hold on a minute, a-a-all of you—"

I have to admit, to this day I have seen few sights funnier than that of Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, Hero of the Marines, flailing about desperately as his own men lambasted him. But still, even through my (barely concealed) amusement, I couldn't help feeling that something was… _off_ about this whole affair.

Before I could put much thought into it, however…

"Disgraceful," Garp's fedora-wearing compatriot huffed.

For whatever, reason, _that_ was what rebooted Garp's brain, prompting him to turn on his men and draw himself up to his full height. "Now, see here, you young whippersnappers! I—!"

It all happened in an _instant._

One second, Merry's head was bowed and she was sobbing her eyes out, the next it snapped up and her gaze locked on dead ahead, a pair of utterly _evil_ golden stars glinting in her eyes. She spared a _second_ to glance at Soundbite and slash a finger across her throat before she _shoved_ her crutches into the ground, effectively flinging Merry forward.

And then…

 _CHOMP!_

…the world just seemed to… well, _stop turning_ as once anew everyone froze.

"Ooooh myyyy gooood…" I dragged out incredulously.

"Well, now…" Robin breathed.

"Oh, _for fuck's sakes…"_ Nami moaned, dropping her hands in her face.

"What the…!?" Coby and Helmeppo gaped in shock.

"PFFF…" Soundbite snorted, very visibly holding himself back from cackling. " _T-T-TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, FOLKS,_ _ **sorry!"**_ The second he finished that last word he burst out _howling._ " _ **HOOHOOHOO**_ **HEEHEEHEE** _ **hahahahaaaaaa!"**_

Garp _sloooowly_ glanced over his shoulder, shock written across his face. "W-What the—?"

Merry's grin widened around the mouthful of his ass she'd bitten into. "Gr't yer t'th."

And then she redoubled the strength of her bite and things got…

" _YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH!"_

 _Interesting._

Years in the future, Monkey D. Garp would _still_ swear up and down to anyone and everyone who would listen that the scars on his ass came from either a bear trap, a snapping turtle or a juvenile Sea King that someone had left on his office chair, either as a practical joke, as part of an assassination plot, or on account of his forgetting that he'd left it there the day before.

And years in the future, nobody would believe him on account of the Marine witnesses present spreading the true story like wildfire in spite of how much he threatened and pleaded with them afterwards.

Said true story being that a little girl had sunk her teeth into his ass like a freaking _cobra_ and absolutely _refused_ to let go, no matter how much he howled and ran around frantically, arms flailing with all the dignity of a cat in a water-soaked sack in a room full of rocking chairs. And, quite honestly, there was only one way I, or hell, _anyone_ could react to it.

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" I cackled, falling onto the ground, pounding the floorboards with my fists. "TH-THIS IS COMEDY _GO-HO-HO-HOLD! PFFHAHAHAHAAAA!"_

"SHISHISHISHISHI!" Luffy howled alongside me, rolling about as he clutched his gut. "THIS IS GREAT! GO MERRY! SHISHISHISHI!"

"S-S-Someone get a picture of this! It'll be worth _millions!"_ Nami shrieked, clutching Sanji in a desperate bid to keep herself upright. Sanji, for once, didn't fly into a Love Hurricane due to being too occupied with supporting himself on Nami.

"I-I'm trying!" Conis wheezed, her arm spasming furiously as she tried to hold her Vision Dial properly and stay upright. "B-B-But I'm laughing too h-hard! I c-c-can't keep a s-steady hand!"

"TSEEHEEHEEHEE!" Su, meanwhile, had no such restrictions and was flailing about on her back as she kept laughing.

In fact, most of the room was on the floor; the only ones upright were Zoro, Boss, and Robin, and they were either slumped over or on their knees. Even among the Marines, nobody was composed enough to be bothered to help their boss; Coby and Helmeppo were laughing themselves to tears, the grunts were accumulating grass stains, and the cool guy— _Bogard_ , that's the name I knew him by—Bogard was hiding his face with his fedora, the shaking of his shoulders betraying the fact that he was trying with every fiber of his being not to burst out laughing himself.

Overall, it was… yeah, it was just straight-up _hilarious._

At least five minutes passed before I managed to get enough of my mental facilities flaring to wonder what would happen when Garp finally got it in his head to get her off. The thought that came to mind brought with it a solution that would put an end to the conflict in a most beautiful way.

As such, I forced myself to my feet, staggered over to the flailing Garp, and grabbed Merry's torso. I _tried_ to yank her off, but she barely even budged a bit. Still, not to be denied, I lifted my foot, planted it on Garp's backside and shoved as hard as I could. It was a hell of a struggle, but eventually I managed to yank her free!

 _RIIIIP!_

Though it wasn't from any weakness on Merry's part.

Garp blinked slowly and sighed in relief as he realized the _absence_ of pain in his hindquarters before stiffening as he _also_ felt a breeze pass between his legs. "Oooooh sonnuva—!" He snapped his gaze around and stared in horror at the sight of his shorts hanging from Merry's grinning jaws. "Alright, brat, you listen and you listen good. Whatever the hell you're thinking about doing, you _stop_ thinking about it _right the hell—!"_

Merry sucked the shorts down in a single gulp before adopting a shameless grin. "Tasty!"

Garp's eyes twitched even as his jaw, as well as that of every other Marine and Luffy, dropped in shock.

I blinked numbly as I processed the… let's say 'interesting' developments that had just occurred before glancing down at Merry, my eyebrow cocked in confusion. "…Wasn't your figurehead supposed to be a _sheep?"_

"Baaaaah-ah-ah-ah!" Merry bleated unabashedly in response.

"Fair 'nuff," I conceded.

" **HEEHEEHEE** _ **HOOHOOHOO**_ _HAHAHAAAAAA!"_ Soundbite howled. "I THINK I SEE _some of me_ **in her! Hahahahaaaa!"**

"You… little…!" Garp grit out as he strangled the air before him. "What the _hell_ is your problem!? Where the hell did all of that cutesy crap from before go!?"

Merry silently stared at him for a second before bowing her head, her hood ensuring that all that was visible was the corner of a light smirk. "Ha… hahahaaaa…"

And then, out of the blue—!

" _MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"_ Merry flung her head back and started cackling like a madwoman. "YE FOOLISH MARINE SOPS! YE REALLY DIDN'T GET THE MEMO DID YE!? WELL ALLOW ME TO MAKE MATTERS UTTERLY CLEAR FOR YE!"

And with that, Merry grabbed the sides of her jacket and jerked it—

I paled in realization. "Ahhh, _shit,_ we forgot to take our flag when we got off you, didn't we?"

The grin Merry shot at me matched that of the Jolly Roger emblazoned on the t-shirt she was wearing tooth for tooth. "I assure ye, I consider it to be a _most_ fortuitous mistake. Now, if ye'll excuse me—DO YE GET THE PICTURE NOW, YE LANDLUBBER FOOLS!?" she shouted, returning to cackling at Garp and his men. "I MIGHT _APPEAR_ TA BE A CUTE AND INNOCENT CARAVEL ON THE OUTSIDE, SURE, BUT IN ME KEEL AND SOUL?" She thumped a fist to her chest. "AH'LL EVER AND ALWAYS BE NOTHIN' LESS THAN A ROUGH-AND-TUMBLE, GROG-SWILLIN' MARINE-SINKIN' _BUCCANEER,_ THROUGH AND THROUGH, _AND DON'T YE EVER FORGET IT!"_

I stared at Merry in open-mouthed awe as she finished her tirade and crossed her arms with a triumphant smirk, and I reacted in the only appropriate way I knew.

I smiled contentedly as I patted her head. "I am _so_ proud of you, Merry. _So proud."_

"She's already taunting the Marines like a pro…" Usopp sobbed into his arm. "T-They grow up so fast!"

"To see the next generation do you proud!" Boss sobbed right along with him as he pumped his fist in the air. "A MAN'S ROMANCE AT ITS FINEST!"

"GO, BOSS, GO!" the TDWS concurred.

"You little…" Garp snarled out murderously, veins popping out on his forehead as he slowly cracked his knuckles. "Well, if you're seriously so intent on being a _pirate,_ then I'm only _happy_ to—!"

" _Ah-_ _ **Ah-**_ **AH!~"** Soundbite sang with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. "REMEMBER, GARP: _we were_ **having 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' during this** _ **entire**_ **bit;** _YOU START JACK, I DROP THE SCRAMBLE,_ _ **AND ALL THE REST OF THE WORLD will hear is**_ YOU _pummeling poor, innocent_ **Merry and her big brother."**

"The snail's right, Garp," I smirked confidently. "Hurt us now, and you will enjoy what I would like to call a 'Reverse Celestial Dragon' reaction. I.E., civilians rise up to lynch _you._ Care to try it?"

"…You've earned your place as the tactician of this crew, Jeremiah Cross," Garp nodded with begrudging respect. Merry and I exchanged victorious grins, before freezing as he pinned us both with murderous glares. "And you've _both_ earned a spot on my shitlist. Mark my words, there _will_ be consequences."

"Leave my crew alone, Gramps!" Luffy protested, before shrinking in on himself when Garp turned his a glare at him. It only lasted for a moment, however, before Luffy set his face in stone. His legs were trembling like Usopp's, but he stood strong in the face of his grandfather's anger. "You can hit me all you want… but I won't forgive anyone who hurts my friends," he growled.

I had only a moment to appreciate him quoting Shanks again before Garp reared back his fist, clearly preparing to hit his grandson—

 _SHINK!_ "And family or not, I _don't_ take threats to my captain lightly."

Only to pause as Zoro, Wado and Kitetsu in hand, moved to stand beside Luffy. Garp raised a brow.

"The mosshead has a point," Sanji conceded, moving to Luffy's opposite side. I hastily glanced at Lassoo and nodded at him, prompting him to snap into his hybrid form and snarl menacingly even as he and I moved along with the rest of the crew to stand beside the Monster Trio.

"After all, a captain's duty may be to his crew—" Boss continued, the TDWS flanking him proudly.

"But a crew's duty is to their captain," Nami finished as she and Usopp both readied their weapons.

"It should be obvious by now, Vice Admiral Garp," Vivi said coolly, a Lion Cutter spinning in her hands. "If you threaten one of the Straw Hat Pirates, you threaten _all_ of the Straw Hat Pirates."

Garp took in the sight of us all standing together. Sanji, Chopper, and Robin all glared at him in challenge, while the rest of the crew had their weapons in hand to match their glares. And Luffy? His expression hadn't faltered, and his trembling had stopped dead.

Merry took it all in for a second before adopting a massive fond smile. "I love this crew…" she whispered joyously.

After a few seconds, Garp lowered his arm with a put-upon sigh—and I _think_ a mutter of 'damn déjà-vu'? Either way, a bittersweet grin came over his face. "Well, if nothing else good came of this, I'm glad my stupid grandson has found companions who care about him that much." He turned away and folded his arms with a huff. "Eh, whatever. I'm on vacation right now anyway, I'm under no obligation to try catching you. Do whatever the hell you want, however utterly foolish it might be."

I heaved a sigh of relief before snapping my head up with an eager grin as inspiration suddenly slugged me. "Weeell, if that's the case, seeing as you're not busy and all, think you could spare the time to outline a method or three on how to train some techniques? Like, oh, off the top of my head… Haki or—?"

"Not on your life, ass," Garp snorted as he dug a pinkie up his nose.

I shot a desperate look at Vivi, and she shot a long-suffering look at the ceiling before smiling beatifically. "Oh, come now, Vice Admiral, don't be like that. **Please tell us everything you know about Haki?"** Vivi 'asked' politely.

Garp paused for a moment, and for that moment, I thought it had worked.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I found myself brutally disabused of that notion when he started laughing his head off.

"HAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHaaaa!" Garp finally wound down, wheezing as he pressed his hand to his face before glancing at us from under his fingers. "Really, Cross is one thing, the world knows he's completely insane, but I'd expect the _rest_ of you to know how completely _absurd_ the concept of me answering to a will as weak as _that_ is."

Vivi paled in shock. "W-Wait, you—?"

"Noticed that you just tried to enforce your Sovereign's Will on me?" Garp scoffed with a wave of his hand. "Psh! Of course I did! After all…" He shot a smirk over his shoulder. " _You're_ not one of the very few people who I answer to!"

I prepared to throw in the towel, but then a thought flitted through my mind and I hastily pasted a defeated scowl on my face. "Ah, but of course! Vivi's will was in no way a match for your own! She could never get you to do what she said properly, I should have known!" I proclaimed melodramatically.

"Feh, moron," Garp scoffed as he dug his finger in his ear. "You know as well as I do that willpower is only half the battle when it comes to the Sovereign's Will subset of Conqueror's Haki! The other half of it is respect! After all, Conquerors get people to kneel before them through a sheer flood of willpower. _Sovereigns_ , on the other hand, like your princess friend, play on the natural aura of leadership they exude to get people to bow and obey before them. Different personalities and ways of ruling, different results. But, eh." He waved his hand dismissively. "You already knew all that."

"Or at least, we know it _now!"_ Su snickered behind her paw. "Thanks a lot for the tidbits, gramps! Tseeheeheeheeeee!"

Garp froze in spot as the blood drained from his face before he wheeled around and started strangling the air… again. " _Yoooou…"_

"And we are _back!"_ I said, stopping the Vice Admiral in his place as I rolled my finger at Soundbite. "Sorry about that, loyal viewers, but… well, let's just say that the good Vice Admiral _may_ have had a bout of narcolepsy, which _may_ have resulted in the unfortunate and untimely demise of his pants. So, following the trouser malfunction that the world will never know of, we stand here with Vice Admiral Garp now perfectly composed, but without suitable bottom garments. So…" I glanced downward with a cocked brow. "Fire hydrant-print boxers, eh?"

Garp promptly flushed brick red, though whether it was from outrage or being reminded that he was still sans pants, I couldn't even _begin_ to tell.

"Points for being innovative, at the least." My grin widened tauntingly. "Oooor not, seeing as the figurehead of your ship is a _dog._ Do I sense a theme here?"

At that point, everyone within earshot lost it again.

 **-o-**

The raucous laughter coming from the Transponder Snail was only matched by the raucous laughter coming from two long-suffering aged citizens.

"BAHAHAHAHA! Ohohoh, I've wanted to hear that old bastard get his for _decades!_ This has been coming for a _long_ time!" Dadan crowed as she pounded on the makeshift bar she'd set up in her hideout.

"WAHAHAHA! I'm right there with you, bandit! I'll never object to the SBS again, this justifies _everything!"_ Woop Slap cackled.

Makino cocked an eyebrow at the display before leaning towards Dogra and Magra. "Is this the happiest you've ever seen yours too?"

"By far," the bandits nodded in sage agreement.

"Well, in that case, this calls for something special!" the kindly bartender proclaimed enthusiastically, walking over to a corner of the bar and withdrawing an unopened bottle. "I was saving this bottle of Wano Rice Wine that Shanks left me for a good time, and this seems as good an occasion as any to open it!"

"AGREED!" Woop Slap and Dadan proclaimed eagerly.

As the laughter redoubled, Makino filled a few glasses, passed them around and raised one for herself. "To the Straw Hat Pirates, who never cease to amaze and _inspire!"_

"KANPAI!"

 **-o-**

Garp fumed and hissed indignantly for a moment before slumping over with a defeated sigh. "Oh for the love of—enough, _enough!_ Luffy, your crew is utterly exhausting and I give _up._ BUT!" he barked as he drew himself up and slid his shades back over his eyes. "I'm not going to let that get me down! I'm still in a beautiful and thriving city, and I'm still on the first vacation I've had in years! So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and enjoy myself and nothing anyone can say is going to change my—!"

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

"Call on the direct line from Marineford for you, Vice Admiral," Bogard deadpanned as he withdrew a Transponder Snail from his coat.

Garp stiffened fearfully, knocking his glasses askew in the process. "As I was saying, I'm going right back to my ship and setting off for Marineford right as soon as my men are finished with their shore leave!" he bit out hastily, spinning on his heel and striding out of the building as fast as his feet could take him. Then he paused just outside and turned back around, his arms crossed and his head bowed.

"But still… I suppose that while I have this opportunity… so long as my voice has even _half_ a chance of reaching my idiot son… Then this just _has_ to be said."

Everyone fell silent in anticipation of what Garp could possibly want to say.

"GET A JOB!"

 _WHAM!_

Honestly now, it was my fault, well and truly. I _really_ should have known better than to expect anything even _remotely_ different from someone like a damn Monkey. Still, as it was, at least I was starting to gain a tolerance to head pains from hitting my head against the floor so much. I was also starting to taste copper, though I'm fairly certain that was supposed to be a _bad_ thing.

"Eh…?" I slowly raised my hand as I lifted my head. "Did you _not_ hear that little speech I made earlier? About him freeing the world from tyranny and all that?"

Garp's response was to snort out a load of steam. "THAT'S A HOBBY!"

"Oooof course," I groaned as I hung my head in defeat. "What the hell was I thinking?"

"Well, that's it, then," Garp spun on his heel and legitimately booked it, the Marines outside hastily moving out of his path. "SAFE TRAVELS!"

We all stared silently after him before Luffy grinned at Coby. "So! What's new with you?"

I hastily elbowed Nami as I once again covered the mic. "I'll direct their conversation and pump him for as much intel as I can get if you'll record it all," I hissed subtly.

The _CHA-CHING!_ I practically heard as her spine snapped straight was all I needed in answer. Heck, maybe this could even make paying off my newly acquired debt semi-plausi—!

"STRAW HATS! STRAW HATS!"

' _What did I do to deserve this?'_ I groaned inwardly as I turned towards the frantic and disheveled Galley-La worker who was running up towards the hole in the house. "Before you say anything!" I cut him off with a raised hand. "I already know what you're here about and it's being handled."

"YOU—wait, _what?_ So you _already_ know about the crazy elephant in your crew's storage locker?"

"Yes, we've already dealt with the Mari—" I froze as his words sunk in, and all eyes turned towards him. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"Eh, just that there's a crazy elephant in your crew's storage locker," the worker shrugged indifferently. "But hey, if you've already got that handled—!"

"Sir, sir," I interrupted him again. "I'd just like to remind you that I've been on the Grand Line for several months now, so I think that it says a _lot_ about just how utterly confused I am when I say _WHAT!?"_

 **-o-**

"…You have _got_ to be kidding me…" I muttered incredulously as the Galley-La worker and I leaned around the corner of the door to my crew's storage locker, peering inside. "Out of the literal _dozens_ of discarded swords on that godforsaken bridge that I could have grabbed, I chose the one _with the elephant Zoan in it!?"_

"BAROOOOOOH!"

" **Apparently** _ **yes,"**_ Soundbite deadpanned, following Funkfreed with his eyes as he reared up on his hind legs, trunk flailing about as he fought off the half-dozen dockworkers that were trying to subdue him. " _And for the record, HE HASN'T SAID_ JACK YET, **HE'S JUST BEEN YELLING INCOHERENTLY."**

"Congratulations, Cross," Lassoo chuffed flatly as he ground a paw into his forehead. "Your luck has officially hit an all-time _low."_

I grimaced as I found myself unable to refute that statement before morphing it into a scowl. "That may be so, but you're forgetting one particular aspect of the luck of the Straw Hats: when our luck bites us in the ass, we turn it right the hell around and make it work for _us!"_ And with that, I walked out from around the doorframe and strode into the warehouse. "Come on, guys."

Lassoo briefly eyed the rampaging elephant-sword before swallowing audibly. "Ah… can we vote on this, or—?"

" _Lassoo!"_

The dog-cannon flinched and followed me with a defeated whimper. Nodding, I turned in the general direction of the elephant and marched up to about a few meters away from him, waving off the shipwrights trying to subdue him in the process. "Hey, Timmy Trumpet!" I called out, spreading my arms invitingly. "Remember me?"

The white behemoth swung his head towards me, his narrowed eyes snapping wide with outrage.

" _BAROOOOOOOOOOOOH!"_

The Zoan-weapon turned his mass towards me, his trunk reverting to a massive blade as he prepared to mow me down…

"HOLD IT!"

Only to stall in place when I snapped my hand up.

"Listen," I calmly prompted. "I can imagine just how _totally_ pissed off you are, and honestly, going by the craters you're sporting there—" I gestured at the talon-prints indented in Funkfreed's brow. "You have every right to be. But all I ask is for a few minutes of your time, alright? If you're not satisfied by the time I'm done talking…" My expression fell flat as I jerked my thumb at Lassoo. "Then you can take it up with _him."_

"GRRRRRRR!"

Lassoo drew his hackles back in a vicious snarl, flames roiling between his jaws.

Funkfreed eyed his fellow animal-weapon, his expression unreadable, before allowing his trunk to relax back into flesh with a dark snort.

"Glad to hear it," I said, crossing my arms. "Now, then, while you've got a legitimate grievance about the dents you've taken to the skull…" I snapped my finger up and pointed it at him. "I think that that's the _only_ legitimate grievance you have right now!"

" _Eh?!"_ Soundbite, Lassoo and the dockworkers around me yelped incredulously, matching Funkfreed's own dumbstruck look.

"Well, yeah!" I forged on. "After all, it was thanks to our crew invading Enies that you saw the first piece of action _you've_ undoubtedly experienced in… what, a year? A decade? Your entire _life?_ Because, come on, let's face facts here! You were _Spandam's_ sword, and Spandam was a lot of things: a bastard, a degenerate, the list goes on and on, but two things he was above all else? He was a weakling and a coward! That means that he never, _ever_ got into fights if he could help it and you were a superfluous accessory _at best._ And can you honestly tell me that I'm _wrong?"_

The elephant snorted and jerked his head forward in defiance, but after a second of me glaring him down, he looked away, and I heard a mumbled sound come from his mouth.

" **One for one,"** Soundbite confirmed. " _Apparently he was_ _ **more pet than WEAPON."**_

"Eesh, poor bastard…" Lassoo flinched sympathetically.

"My thoughts exactly," I nodded. "Now, look, Funkfreed… what I want you to do for me is I want you to confirm your life up until now with whatever you remember of the Bridge of Hesitation. You remember how I grabbed you, right? I was actually _using_ you for once in your life, how you _finally_ got to fulfill your life's purpose?"

The sword glanced side to side fretfully for a moment before letting out a positive-sounding bray.

"That's what I hoped. Now, look, you're at a crossroads right now." I popped up a finger. "On the one hand, you can stay loyal to the Marines; fight me, possibly fight my crew, inevitably get your ass whipped and we'll let Garp take you back to the Corps. Maybe they'll destroy you so that they can reacquire your fruit, more likely they'll transfer you to another officer for their usage. Whether they'd be better or worse than Spandam, I couldn't tell you. No matter what, though, it'd be a gamble. Personally?" I popped up my second finger, and then pointed it at myself. "I'd take the second option, the _guaranteed satisfaction_ option, of coming with me, and letting _me_ be your wielder."

"WHAT!?" everyone squawked incredulously, even Funkfreed reeling back in shock.

"Well, yeah!" I said, throwing my arms out. "Come on, think about it! You _know_ how utterly insane my life is, how nuts my crew's lives are! And me, personally, I get in fights all the damn time! And, well…" I flexed my gauntlets demonstratively. "As good as these babies are, I do enjoy having a guaranteed back-up weapon on me. My old baton was good, but, well… it's gone now. And, I'll admit, I'm not a swordsman, that is a fact, and for awhile I'd be pulling a Spandam by relying on your powers… but…"

I clenched my fists. "But I'm willing to try. I'm willing to _learn._ I'm willing to match whatever effort you put in, step for step. You do right by me by supporting me, and I'll do right by you by not only helping you use your abilities to the fullest, but by giving you the best damn fights any sword on these seas has _ever_ known!" I held my hand out to him invitingly. "Whaddaya say… friend?"

Funkfreed brayed and trumpeted hesitantly, glancing to and fro as he debated with himself.

"Ah… hey. Funkfreed, right?"

The elephant-blade blinked in surprise as Lassoo padded forward, his head cocked to the side.

"Listen…" The dog-gun glanced to the side sheepishly as he rubbed his shoulder. "I'm… sorry for my earlier reaction, alright? That was… not nice. But I've stood where you are now, and if you want my advice?" He affixed Funkfreed with a firm gaze. "If you turn him down, you'll be making the worst mistake of your life. This pirate…" Lassoo shot a smirk over his shoulder at me. "He's as nutty as they come, insane even, but he's more than a good wielder, he's a good _friend._ And if he wants _you_ as his sword? Then friend, you should consider yourself to be the luckiest damn blade on the six seas… just like how I'm the luckiest damn _gun."_

I sniffed gratefully as I fought to hold my tears back before kneeling down and scratching Lassoo's chin. "Good dog," I whispered happily.

"Hweehweehwee!" Lassoo laughed as he planted a slobber-laden lick on my face. "Best friend!"

Funkfreed kept his head bowed as he thought things over. Then, at last, a determined glint came into his eye.

"Alright…" he whispered before raising his head and voice confidently as he extended his trunk. "Alright, I'm in! Put 'er the—!"

 _ **SMASH!**_

He cut himself off as both he and the rest of us faceplanted hard enough to shake the floor _._ But above the din of the titanic impact sounded out a single, _very_ familiar noise.

"HAHAHA _HOOHOOHOO_ _ **HEEHEEHEE!"**_ Soundbite howled ecstatically. " **Oh joyous day, OH JOYOUS DA-A-AY!"**

"YOU ARE FUCKING _SHAMELESS,_ SLIMESTAIN!" I spat viciously as I hauled my face up from the ground. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO EVERY ANIMAL HAVING THEIR OWN DAMN VOICE!?"

"SCREW THAT!" Soundbite cackled in my face in response. " _This was a golden opportunity,_ _ **no way in hell was I**_ **LETTING** **SOMETHING LIKE** MORAL INTEGRITY _STAND IN THE WAY OF THE_ _ **HOLY TRIFECTA!"**_

"HE IS A GOD-DAMN _ELEPHANT!"_ I snarled as I jabbed my finger at said elephant in the room. "WHERE IN THE _HELL_ DO YOU GET _MOUSE_ FROM THAT!?"

" **I get it from** ' _ **I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS!'"**_ the snail replied with a smirk. " _And I don't give a damn if_ _ **the demons Disney calls its lawyers**_ REACH ACROSS THE DIMENSIONAL BARRIER TO **SLAP MY SMILE OFF MY FACE WITH COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT, the voice stays!"**

"I WILL FUCKING EAT YOU!"

"What did I just get myself into…?" Funkfreed wept into the ground.

"No takebacksies, we're stuck on this mad ride together…" Lassoo chuffed sympathetically.

"Ugh…" I groaned as I got back on my feet. "Screw it, I know better than to try and change his mind, so let's just get back to the crew." I held my hand out to him. "If you wouldn't mind?"

"Ah, right, gimme a sec…" Funkfreed nodded hastily, placing his trunk to the ground and shifting to his sword-form, leaving an ornate blade planted upright in the stonework.

I blinked in surprise at the display before grabbing Funkfreed's hilt and drawing him from the ground, weighing him in my hand a bit before turning to the nearest Galley-La worker. "Alright, first things first: Did he actually crush anything important?"

"Ah… nah, nah, nothing like that," the shipwright assured me. "He knocked a few things over, sure, but everything looks to be alright."

I heaved a sigh of relief. "Perfect. If Nami found out that my new sword actually managed to crush her mother's trees…" I shivered in horror. "Yeah, _no._ I want to be able to sleep at night. Alright, alright, one more question before I go…" I pointed at Funkfreed. "Got any spare sheaths lying around that are close to a size _him?"_

 **-o-**

A few minutes later, the telltale smell of burning wood and grilling meat reached my nostrils a block away from the pool where I knew the crew would be by this time, if the sunset dyeing the island orange and the sound of festivities filling the air were anything to go by.

I had to admit, I was really looking forward to it; after all, this was more than a mere impromptu shindig, it was the long-overdue and perfectly justified celebration of us reclaiming everything that the world sought to take away from us. But it was for that same reason that I was also making sure to take a longer than usual route back to our impromptu HQ, rather than heading for the light and smoke immediately.

After all, there was one loose end yet remaining from Enies Lobby, and I intended to nail it to the wall once and for _fucking all_.

And so, as I noticed Soundbite suddenly snap to alertness, I prepared myself for what I knew was coming.

" _Cross?"_ the snail whispered nervously.

"Hold on, Soundbite, we're almost there," I waved him off.

" _ **But Cross—!"**_

"There'll be enough meat even with Luffy there, there are Sea-King-killer ships aplenty around here, and the waters don't lack for prey either."

" _Cross,_ **seriously—** "

"Soundbite, quit panicking. Everything is alright," I huffed, folding my arms behind my head as I came to a stop.

" **THE HELL** _ **IT—**_ "

"But," I cut him off sharply, my tone cold. "If it'll put your mind at ease, just remember that he's not someone who would go back on his word, and the fact that Sengoku would have to be an absolute _idiot_ to touch us here after we so soundly _dropkicked_ the entire globe a few days ago means that he _isn't_ here on orders. But still, that _does_ leave us with the pressing question: what _possible_ reason could you have to be here, Kuzan?"

Soundbite snapped his jaws shut, his eyes wide with shock.

"Hmph…You truly are a frightening man, Jeremiah Cross," an unmistakably chilly voice drawled behind me.

"Cut the flattery and answer the question, icicle-breath," I snapped, not even deigning to turn and face him. "I want answers for Long Ring Long, and I want them now. You saw the debt you owed to Saul fulfilled, you saw Robin in her place. For a minute, I thought that I may have underestimated how decent of a Marine you are, I thought I could give you a _chance_." My hands clenched into fists. "And then you said it. You said that parting shot, which we _both_ know was taken how you intended it to be read. You were aiming to shatter what little happiness she had found, and you saw just what kind of a _hell_ it took to get it back for her." My lips drew back into a snarl. "Do you have any _idea_ what that bastard did to her? How many bones he broke, how close she came to _dying?"_

His silence said enough.

I closed my eyes, and against my will, my tone became pleading. " _Why_ , Kuzan? Why do it? Why break her trust in us, our strength? Why sic CP9, _Rob Lucci himself_ , on her? What possible reason could you have had to hurt Robin like that?"

The silence hung heavy in the air, and the growing frigidity only made the air all the heavier. Ultimately, however, he deigned to answer me.

"Eh, I suppose I owe you _something_ after this whole mess, and since it's sure as hell not going to be my respect, it might as well be the truth." The slight crackling of ice belied the cool drawl of his voice. "See, that little speech you gave when I made the monumental mistake of not only allowing but _inviting_ you to talk? It actually touched base. Shook me more than I care to admit. The way you stood by Nico Robin despite everything… I don't know how, but you knew the truth of that day. And ever since that day, I've been questioning if Saul made the right choice all those years ago. If _I_ made the right choice, if any of us did. And seeing Nico Robin, the Demon of Ohara, in the hands of someone else who knew about the hell of that day…"

"You saw that as your chance," I snapped my head up in realization, finally turning around to face him. The admiral's expression was stony, but the shame he was demonstrating was unmistakable. "You knew what you were doing as soon as you fired that parting shot. Cipher Pol 9, Enies Lobby… you set the whole thing up, matching the full force of the Marines and the World Government against whatever we could muster, just so that you could get your answer as to whose truth was truly victorious!"

Kuzan heaved a cloudy sigh as he shook his head and slowly raised his hand in denial. "No, Jeremiah Cross, not even close. Truth is… I knew the answer to that conflict the moment you repeated Saul's words to me, the answer to your words… but I didn't want to believe it. Every obstacle in your path was something I hoped I could use as an excuse to keep denying it; no matter how strong you were, surely you couldn't take on Enies Lobby and win. Surely the World Government would snuff you out, and I could put this all behind me like some bad dream. But that just didn't happen, and instead you managed to succeed with the entire world as your witness. Meaning that I've no more room left with which to deny the truth, every truth I've hidden from and dodged all these years."

The glare in his eyes sharpened as he looked into mine. "And so, to answer your initial question, Jeremiah Cross, I came here because I have a new question now, one even more daunting than the last. And considering your reputation, I want to see if you can give me an answer."

I blinked in surprise, but my expression remained firm even as I debated with myself and eventually came to a conclusion. "I won't promise anything, but ask anyway."

He visibly steeled himself. Then…

"What am I supposed to do now?"

I processed that for several seconds. I honestly thought long and hard about what he was asking, about what I could say, what I could tell him…

And ultimately, I scowled. "Get up off your ass and figure it out yourself."

" **HAVE YOU LOST YOUR—** _ **WHEGH!"**_ I grabbed Soundbite's tongue mid-sentence, cutting off his incredulous squawk.

Aokiji, meanwhile, was no less taken aback. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me!" I snarled, jabbing my finger at the towering frigid _bastard._ "Figure it. Out. _Yourself._ You say you've seen the truth, you say you want to change? Well, I call _bullshit!_ Look at you! Even now, you're being a lazy bastard, relying on others to do your thinking for you, to give you all the answers you need. You think that someone's just going to stand up and act as your inspiration, your beacon of righteousness?" I shook my head darkly as I marched up to him. "Weeeeell tough, because that shit officially stops with _me._ I'm not giving you _squat,_ Kuzan. You want your epiphany, you want a path to a better world?"

I stopped as I stood before him, reached up and started poking him in his chest. "Then _you_ get up, _you_ find it and you pave it with your _own_ hands, with _your_ own blood, sweat and tears… just like what everyone else on the planet does every. Single. _Day."_

For a full minute, Aokiji and I just… glared at each other, the temperature gradually and steadily lowering each and every second that the conflict drew out. Soon I was seeing my own breath, but I didn't let myself shiver or waver, refusing to sacrifice so much as an _inch_ in the conflict.

And then, just like that, the temperature snapped right back to normal as Aokiji turned his back on me, his arm raised dismissively. "Honestly, I don't know what I was expecting from you, but it really should have been _that,_ huh?"

I snorted firmly (it was _not_ a sigh of relief, no matter what the hell Soundbite said) before turning as well and heading towards the party. "Your debt is paid and you're no longer welcome here. Mark my words, Ice Hole: if you ever come near my sister again, I will _end you."_

And so I walked away…

"Hold it."

Before halting against my will as the frosty voice spoke up again.

"Before you go… I've got two messages for you. First, for Nico Robin, tell her…" Aokiji hesitated for a moment before sighing in defeat. "Tell her that Saul's hat suits her."

I felt my teeth grind together, but held my tongue. "And second?" I grit out.

"Marshall D. Teach."

I didn't even _try_ to stop myself from spinning around and staring at Aokiji in shock, meeting his cool gaze dead on.

"You know of him," he deduced. "Good, that makes this easier. Then allow me to be as clear as I possibly can: that man… he's dangerous, Jeremiah Cross. Dangerous in ways not even you can begin to contemplate."

Aokiji narrowed his eyes.

"Beware the Blackbeard Pirates, Cross. Beware Blackbeard."

And then he was gone.

I stared numbly at the spot where he was a moment before as the temperature slowly began increasing again. Then I was all but dunked in ice water as realization hit me full force.

" _Ace,"_ I breathed in horror.

The next thing I knew, I was running with all the speed I could muster towards the source of the noise, rushing through every alleyway I could find as Soundbite, having put the pieces together, spewed out the fastest route he could find. The exact instant that I arrived, I sprinted in the direction he indicated, ignoring any comments along the way, bodychecking anyone in my way out of my path…

"Oh, hey Cwo—!"

"GIMME!"

 _CRASH!_

"GAH!"

Aaaaand finishing it all off by bodily _tackling_ Luffy and snatching his hat off his head before he knew what actually hit him.

"Card, card, _where's the fucking card!?"_ I hissed as I frantically rifled through one of the most valuable pieces of headwear in human history, until finally…

"GOTCHA!" I whooped as I located the invaluable card and held it high—

"BASTARD!"

 _CRACK!_

"GARGH!"

Just in time for Luffy to _sucker punch me_ into a wall, square in the nose to boot.

"Aaaaargh, shonnuva— _OW!"_ I winced as I snapped my nose back into place.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, CROSS?!" a blur I vaguely recognized as Luffy roared above me, stomping about furiously. "YOU STOLE MY HAT AND YOU MADE ME CHOKE ON MY MEAT!"

"Grgrggghhh… gimme a second to stop seeing double and I'll tell you," I groaned, rubbing my head and blinking several times, but not letting the paper in my other hand leave it. Finally, as my vision came back into focus, I brought the paper in front of my eyes—

"…pfheh… pfheheheh… PFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!"

Luffy paused in confusion as I started cackling like a madman. "Ah… Cross? What's so funny?"

"PFFHAHAHAHAHA! Funny? _Funny!?_ " I choked out through my euphoria as I worked my way to my feet. "Not funny, HAPPY! Happy because we've won! _AGAIN!_ A gamble I worried about above all others, a last ditch throw whose outcome I doubted every step of the way, _and it's just hit on all sixes!_ We won again! We won we won we won _WE WON!_ PFFHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

"Eeeehhh…" Luffy tilted his head to the side in confusion. "I don't get it."

"PFFHAHAHA!" I crowed ecstatically as I shot up and slung my arm around Luffy's shoulders, surreptitiously replacing the _perfectly intact_ Vivre Card of Portgas D. Ace back in his hat in the process. "There's nothing _to_ get, _mon ami!_ Right now, all we must do is what you've been doing up until now: celebrate! Eat, drink, and above all else, _be as merry as possible!"_

"OI!"

 _THWACK!_

My smile barely even shifted as my head was knocked to the side on account of a crutch bouncing off my skull, and I instead turned it towards the source of the projectile. "I take it I struck a nerve?" I called out.

"YER DARN RIGHT YE DID!" Merry crowed from atop a recently-returned Sodom's head, grinning like a lunatic as she flailed her remaining crutch about. "AFTER ALL, THERE AIN'T NO OTHER MERRY IN THE SIX BLUE SEAS BUT _ME!_ Now, if you'll excuse me!" Before anyone could stop her, the girl-ship leapt off of the King-Bull's head with a whoop. "CANNONBAAAALL!"

"YAHOO! WAIT FOR ME!"

"Eh?" I glanced at Luffy in confusion, only to find that he'd ducked out from under my arm and was running towards the pool _oh that dumb son of a—_

"CANNONBALL!" the most senior hammer on our crew crowed as he followed our second-most senior hammer into the pool.

" _YOU IDIOTS!"_ most of the crew howled indignantly as the pair splashed down, more than a few of our non-hammers following them in in an attempt to rescue them… or properly drown them, I honestly couldn't tell you which.

"…whoops," I muttered in embarrassment, a sweatdrop hanging from my brow.

"Heheheh… Anything but mindless good fun, hm, Cross?"

I snickered in agreement even as I turned and accepted the drink Robin was offering me. "And we wouldn't have it any other way, would we?" I paused to take a deep sip from the glass before gracing her with an angelic smile. "Oh, and by the way, if you drugged this too, you'll wake up tomorrow morning with pink hair."

Robin's smile remained fixed even as she tilted her head to the side. "Dearest brother, I feel it is only fair to warn you that if I wind up pink, you wind up _bald."_

" **M.A.D.! Is there no better way** _ **to prevent a war?"**_ Soundbite cackled.

"If there is, I've yet to find one," Robin shrugged helplessly even as she took a sip of her own. However, even in spite of her glass hiding her mouth, I could see her smile shrink slightly. "So… Cross. To confirm, your knowledge of the future… it came from… a book?"

I hid my grimace with my own glass. "Oooh trust me, I've been seeing ripples as is, and after today and Enies, I can only imagine that they're going to get worse from here."

"Hm…" Robin hummed contemplatively as she peered into her drink.

"But… I'm not worried."

Before glancing up in shock as I continued with a smile.

"Because… earlier, when I was going insane and laughing my ass off? I was doing it because the worst tragedy I could think of in the days to come has just been officially _averted._ Things are changing, and not all for the better, sure, but I at least managed to do _that_ right! And… even if something does come our way, a problem I didn't foresee, some foe ready to crush us all into paste…" I looked up at our crewmates partying around us, thoroughly enjoying the sight. "Then… I trust that this crew can handle them, no matter what!" I allowed the side of my smile out of Robin's sight to fall into a grimace. " _At least, for a little while longer…"_ I grumbled to myself.

"Hmmm…" Robin hummed some more as she contemplated my words, but she eventually shrugged it off and went back to smiling. "Well, if that's the case, I suppose I'll just have to follow your lead, won't I?"

I nodded in agreement before pausing as a thought occurred to me. "Ah, and before I forget? Don't worry about Aokiji anymore. We… well, _you_ won't see him again." I glanced to the side with a scowl. "Not if he knows what's good for him, at any rate…"

My big sis blinked in confusion before frowning and grabbing my cheek with a sharp tug. "I know that I'm not terribly well-versed in such matters, but unless my memory of the many books I've read over the years fails me, it's the _older_ sibling who protects the _younger,_ correct?"

"Aw, c'mon!" I snickered, entirely ignoring the hold she had on my face. "We've never been even remotely close to conventional in the past, why start now, ne?"

Robin glared at me a bit more before looking away with a huff, her cheeks slightly puffed out. "Maybe so, but it's still embarrassing…"

"Pfhehehe—!"

"GYAAAAAH! HEEEELP!"

I was cut off by Luffy suddenly hollering at the top of his lungs as he ran around… with Merry hanging off of his neck?!

"Come oooon, Captain!" she pleaded desperately. "Gimme a bite! An eentsy weentsy bite! No, less than that! A nibble, a morsel, even a lick will do! _Just let me taste it!"_

I felt a blue pallor come over my expression the same time it fell over Robin's.

"Ah…" she mumbled helplessly.

"Soundbite…?" I all but pleaded.

" **She's talking about** _his hat."_

" _Oh-thank-God…"_ we sighed in relief, slumping forward.

I held the position for a bit before glancing at Robin. "There's no chance in _hell_ she'd settle for a nibble, is there?"

"Not a one," Robin confirmed with chuckle as she righted herself. She was then silent for a bit as she observed the pair's antics, smiling fondly. "Still, getting back on topic… I must admit, some of the less savory adjustments aside, it's truly wonderful that you found a means through which to save her. I'm glad that I didn't have to suffer such a horrendous blight on the best day of my life."

"Heh. No chance of that happening either way, Robin," I chuckled as I waved her off. "I got desperate enough to save her en route to Enies that I appealed to the omnipotent asshat that dropped me here for a mulligan on saving her. It gave me her fruit in return for the entertainment I gave it—though I would have still done it anyways, the bastards deserved it for the hell they put you through—but if the fruit didn't work, it still gave me one last Hail Mary I could make use of."

"Oh?" Robin cocked her eyebrow as she made to take another sip of her drink. "Now that I think about it, I do recall Boss being surprised that you were willing to accept. What was the offer it proposed?"

I smirked as I subtly withdrew a Vision Dial, holding it at the ready while she started to drink.

"Oooh, nothing major… just instantaneous gender reassignment."

" _PFFFT!"_

Ahhh, a genuine spit take from Nico Robin, _and_ I managed to _immortalize_ it? Yes, indeed, let there be no doubts: life… was good.

Once she finished hacking and coughing, she pinned me with a glare, but then her eyes widened as she realized that I wasn't kidding. For a few more seconds, she just stared at me. Then she bowed her head, tilting her hat to cover her face.

I frowned in concern as she started to shake, but then I heard it.

"…dere… dereshi…"

It started slow, and then without warning, Nico Robin, the Devil's Child, the Demon of Ohara…

"DERESHISHISHI! _DERE_ SHISHISHISHISHIII!"

Flung her head back and started laughing her _guts_ out, tears of mirth fountaining from her eyes as she struggled to stay upright from laughing so hard.

I blinked in shock as I processed the completely and _utterly_ unprecedented sight before me, but I was swift to get over my paralysis and hastily did two things: First, I snapped off a second photograph, because this too was a moment worthy of immortality. And second?

"PFFHAHAHAHA! PFFHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

" **HEEHEEHEEHEE** _ **hoohoohooHAHAHAAAAA!"**_

I joined her in her mirth, both my snail and I laughing right alongside her. Because really, what else could I do under those circumstances? And hell, we would have probably _kept_ laughing for a good long while, too, had life not decided to interrupt us.

"HOOHOOHOO— _huh?"_ Soundbite suddenly cut himself off, one of his eyestalks cocked at something, before interrupting our dying laughter with a shrill whistle. " **Hey, sorry to interrupt, but** _ **just FYI? YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY SHUTTERBUG**_ **AT THIS SHINDIG.** _SOMEBODY'S SNAPPING SHOTS OF OUR FRIENDS."_

"Ah…" Robin snapped her gaze around as she analyzed our surroundings. "So 'Flaming' Attachan is here, then? I see…" She glanced at me inquisitively. "I trust you have a plan, Cross?"

"Hell yeah!" I nodded firmly. "I'm striking myself a pose, and I suggest you hop to it and do the same!"

"…eh?" Robin blinked in confusion.

"What, you think I'm actually gonna stop him?" I scoffed incredulously. "Please, if not today, then they'll try and snap our photos tomorrow. That's a fact, and not even I can stop it. As such…" I snapped up a thumbs-up. "I'm making sure that my anonymity dies on _my_ terms, and not by candid! Get my drift?"

Robin stared at me silently before shrugging with a weary-yet-fond sigh. "I don't know what else I was expecting."

"Me neither. Now, if you'll excuse me—!" I interrupted myself as I suddenly broke into a sprint, dashing over to the nearest table I could find and leaping onto it, and jerking my transceiver's mic from its cradle.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THE WORLD OVER, IF I MAY HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!" I called out, my hand raised high into the air.

The vast majority of the eyes at the party snapped over to me, and according to Soundbite's whispered intel, one particular camera-lens as well.

"AS YOU ALREADY KNOW," I proclaimed. "I'M JEREMIAH CROSS!"

" _AND I'M_ **SOUNDBITE!"** the snail concurred.

"AND AS YOU _ALSO_ KNOW, IT'S ONCE AGAIN TIME—!"

" _TO START THE SBS!"_

I… actually needed a second to recover from that. "Loud."

" **AND FREAKING RUDE!"** Soundbite howled at the crowd. " _THAT'S MY DAMN SHTICK!"_

"SHOVE IT UP YOUR SHELL, MUCUS STAIN!" Mikey cackled,

" _ **GRRRRGH—!"**_

"ANYWAY!" I picked up hastily before he could really pick up steam. "NOW THAT OUR GOOD CAPTAIN IS AWAKE—!"

"HELP!" said captain cried out as he ran past, Merry _still_ clinging to his neck. "OUR SHIP IS TRYING TO EAT MY HAT!"

" _JUST LET ME LICK IT ALREADY, DAMN IT!"_

I shuddered. "Trust me, it sounds even worse _out_ of context… BUT ANYWAY, SEEING AS LUFFY'S AWAKE, WE'VE DECIDED TO THROW THE PARTY OF A LIFETIME TO COMMEMORATE… PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED, _AND YOU'RE ALL INVITED!_ AS SUCH?" I spread my arms invitingly. "IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU RESIDE IN THE HEIGHTS OF HEAVEN!"

" **OR IF YOU DWELL WITHIN THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"**

I snapped my finger down, pointing _straight_ at Attach's camera as I held the mic to my mouth, the _biggest_ damn grin plastered on my face.

" _ALL AT ONCE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!"_ Soundbite and I roared in tandem. " _LET'S ROCK!"_

And as the whole of the party roared their approval all at once, I caught sight of a single flash in all of the chaos and I allowed myself a victorious fist pump.

I was _about_ to get down and rejoin Robin…

"COME ON GUYS, SOMEONE HELP—! Oh, hey, Cross, is that a sword on your back?" Luffy stopped mid-run in front of me, pointing at—!

I grinned ecstatically at the _glorious_ opportunity that had just been presented to me.

"Oh, yeah, almost forgot! HEY GUYS, GUESS WHAT?" I called out, garnering the crew's attention to me. I then drew Funkfreed, tossed him behind my shoulder…

"BAROOOH!"

"WOOHOO!" I cheered as a trunk grabbed my midsection and lifted me onto the pachyderm's back. I laughed eagerly as I waved my arms at everyone. "I GOT AN ELEPHANT! SAY HELLO TO MY NEW SWORD, FUNKFREED!"

"Hiya, guys!" said sword said, waved his trunk politely.

Nami only allowed herself to gape for a moment before snapping her mouth shut and grinding the heel of her palm into her forehead. "Why on _earth_ am I even surprised at this point?"

"Hell if I know," Zoro said, rolling his eyes. "Personally, I say you should have seen it coming. We were actually overdue for Cross bringing another animal into the crew by this point."

Vivi swapped her gaze between the elephant I was riding and Carue scrambling away as fast as possible before marching over to the nearest bar she could find. " **Jack, straight up,** _ **now."**_

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Merry cheered ecstatically above the roar of the crowd. "I LOVE THIS CREW SO DAMN MUCH!"

 **-o-**

And so it all continued, no less rambunctious to the end of the night. From the elevated platform where Usopp was singing, the meat-eating contest between Luffy and the giants, a large population of animals stopping by for the sake of being able to talk, and the messy results of the Dugongs trying to splash Funkfreed (two-ton elephant cannonballing into a tiny-ass pool equals _huge-ass splash)_ , the winding down was a very gradual process.

In the end, however, the embers of the barbecue died out, and most everyone was slumbering with full bellies and smiles as darkness fell over the island. Heck, I was even about to join them! I'd found a comfortable place to lie down and sleep the night away, and I was just about to doze off—

 _CHOMP!_

" _YEOW, SONNUVA—!"_ When, _of course,_ I was snapped awake by the damn pest riding shotgun on my shoulder deciding to nom on my neck for no good reason. "What the hell, you little—!?"

" _Incoming_ **half-decent** _FEATHER-RAT,"_ he interrupted, his expression grim. Or disgusted, either or.

"I guess I should take that as a compliment, huh? Certainly better than what I got before."

"Eh— _Oh!"_ I jerked upright as a familiar voice snagged my attention. "Hey, Coo!" I waved at the casual-clad News Coo as he perched on a nearby table. "Long time no squawk. What brings you to this particular stretch of sea?" I stiffened as a thought struck me. "Please tell me the Government isn't ruining _another_ of our crewmates' lives! Or, well…" I cast a surreptitious glance at a certain snoozing cyborg. "You know what I mean."

"Nah, nah, nothing like that, Cross," the albatross reassured me with a wave of his wing, fishing a bundle of paper out of his bag with the other. "This time, I'm fairly certain everything I'm passing you is fairly self-evident. Or at least, nothing that directly affects your crew. But the printers are charging about ten times the normal rate for _this_ special edition they're burning the presses for, so I thought I'd give you a wing." He ha—er, _winged_ the paper over to me. "But if anyone asks—!"

"I got it from a gull in a trenchcoat, dun' worry about it," I said as I started to open the paper and wave him off, before freezing as a thought struck me. "Ah, by the way, while I have you… you happen to run any delivery routes that pass through Navarone by any chance?"

"Nah, not recently," Coo shook his head in denial. "Matter of fact, I've been haggling to get more _pirate ships_ than anything. After what you've been saying, well…" He glanced to the side with a grimace. "It just seems safer is all."

"D'oh…" I thwacked a hand to my forehead. "I didn't expect _that_ to fall under negative consequences of what I did… ugh. Well, see if you can hang at _least_ one visit to Navarone. It'd be for a good cause, and I can vouch for the Marines there."

Coo blinked in surprise, then shrugged. "Alright, I'll take your word for it. But for now, I've gotta get back. They see I'm missing and decide to run inventory, my ass is as good as plucked and roasted. I guess I'll see you next time you make the big news." He cocked his eyebrow at me with a smirk. "Meaning in about a month, two at most?"

" _You know us so well,"_ Soundbite sneered back.

The albatross grinned cheekily as he saluted, then began flapping away.

"Good to see him again," I mused before turning my attention to my little literary preview I'd been gifted. "Anyways, let's see, where to start…"

"HEY, CHECK IT!" Soundbite whooped eagerly, waving his eyestalk at a packet of papers in the folds. " _OUR BOUNTIES!_ **Damn, that shutterbug** _ **works fast! COME ON, I WANNA SEE**_ _just how steamed the high and holy asshats are!"_

"In a second, in a second, keep your shell on," I waved him off as I set the papers aside. "I'm curious too, but let me check the rest of this thing first, alright? I'll check them out if there isn't anything more impo— _oh holy_ SHITE!" I snapped to my feet as I hastily read over the passage that had caught my eye. "Oooooh… ohoh _oooh,_ this… this has potential."

"THE HELL ARE YOU—!?" I pointed out the article and he read a few lines in before mirroring my grin. " **You're right!** _ **Screw bounties,**_ _this is way more important!"_

"My thoughts exactly," I nodded in agreement as I stored the paper back in my coat and started walking out of the enclosure. "Wake the other three—sorry, four, and tell them to meet me in the street. This is gonna be _good."_

Four bodies promptly jerked awake, and slowly got to their feet, Zoro carrying Merry on his shoulder as they staggered towards me.

"Morning, sleeping beauties!" I greeted them with a cheerful wave. "I take it you all slept we—?"

" **Shut it."**

"— _grk!"_ I choked as my tongue suddenly glued itself to the roof of my mouth.

"Well, at least _that_ still works…" Vivi muttered acridly as she kneaded the bridge of her nose before shooting a glare at me. "Cross, let me be clear here: I am currently weathering a hangover which _you_ caused. This had better be _damn good."_

I whimpered when she suddenly snapped her Cutter's chain taut between her fists.

" _Or else._ **Now talk…"** Vivi narrowed her eyes before snapping them wide in alarm. " **About what you brought us here for!** Damn, that was close."

I sighed in relief as I got control of my tongue back before allowing myself a smirk. "How does another meeting with CP9 sound to you guys?"

 _That_ shocked the sleep straight out of them.

"Seriously!?" Merry demanded indignantly. "Those bastards are actually hankering for a round two after you _already_ punted their asses to the curb?"

"Guess we'll just have to do it again…" Nami scowled, the clouds around her starting to darken and crackle.

"Nah, nah, nothing like that," I waved them off casually. "They haven't had any medical treatment in two days, so they're still about as bad off as we left them. All they're planning to do is pass us by while walking down the sea-train tracks."

Zoro cocked his eyebrow at me as he released Kitetsu's hilt. "Then what the hell do you want _us_ for?"

I smirked as I withdrew and unfolded the newspaper. "Because I'd prefer to have some measure of backup with me to deter them from doing anything stupid after they read _this."_

My crewmates leaned in and read the article I was tapping. Then they stared up at me with a combination of shock, horror, disbelief and, in Merry's case, eagerness.

"You can _not_ be serious," Vivi announced.

My smirk widened all the more.

"Oh, good God, he is," Nami said, paling in horror.

"I _really_ love this crew…" Merry sighed joyfully.

 **-o-**

The waters running by Water 7 were as placid as they could be on the Grand Line, the Sea Train that ruled the local seas slumbering in its rail yard and nothing bigger than a human disturbing the natural ebb and flow of the waves. Even the Sea Train tracks were stable enough that anyone with sea legs could walk on them reliably… which, as it happened, was exactly what was breaking the calm of the ocean on the borderline between night and day.

To anyone who had recently started serving at Enies Lobby, there was a certain fact of life that would come as an immediate surprise: The Watchdog Unit of the Law may have worked well in conjunction with their riders, and the watchdogs and their riders might have both hearkened to the command of Judge Baskerville, but the one who commanded and tamed the hounds in the first place was Jabra of CP9.

And of equal astonishment, despite the irritability and insubordination that he often displayed as a direct result of his chief, his rival, and his subordinates, the wolf-man also housed a relatively tranquil side that he had passed on to his 'trainees'. Ruthlessness to enemies, yes, but staunch loyalty to allies… whenever his or their bloodlust didn't overcome his pack instinct, at any rate.

Granted, this pack loyalty didn't extend to the many faceless Marines and agents that cycled through the island and treated it like a vacation spot, but it _did_ pertain to their original master and his allies… however often said allies tended to shoot stink-eyes at each other.

And so it was that fifty white wolves padded through the twilight, some carrying other packmembers on their backs, while others supported the agents to whom they had sworn their lives, and subsequently gathered from their places of defeat.

Kalifa, Fukuro, and Kumadori were managing to stiffly march amidst their ranks, while Blueno and Jabra were limping along, supported on both sides by a pair of wolves. However, not all of the agents were quite so well off, and as such Kaku and Lucci were being dragged along on a pair of cots hitched to some wolves, the one barely awake and the other utterly comatose, his pet pigeon drunkenly wobbling on his chest. Their long march had been silent from the moment that Enies Lobby, their ruined home, fell out of their sight. And only now did it break.

"We'll be passing Water 7 soon," Kalifa observed quietly.

"Almost makes me feel wistful," Kaku muttered as he angled the brim of his hat over his eyes.

"I'll admit it wouldn't be unpleasant to go—oh, _honestly?_ " Hattori began before cutting himself off with a groan, causing all present to freeze.

"…Watchdogs, keep moving," Jabra growled.

"Yes, Boss Jabra," the wolves chorused as the company began moving again.

"Alright, and now before anyone gets it into their heads to panic," the Wolf-Zoan bit out. "You all said that that pest Soundbite could be do this subconsciously, right?" He got a nod in response. "Good, that means we're still fine for now. So keep your shit cool, your heads down, and let's get past this place before anyone—!"

" _ **YOU REALLY THINK**_ **you're that lucky?** "

The watchdogs froze, cowering in terror.

"Oh, for the love of God…" Kalifa groaned wearily.

"NO LOVE, _only wrath._ **NOW GET A MOVE ON,** _ **we're waiting for you at the Blue Station."**_

Fukuro tugged nervously on his zipper. "Ah… not that I'm in any way utterly terrified of the concept of running into that crew and their devil-seadog again, but is there… _any_ way past Water 7 that doesn't involve us running into them?"

Blueno hung his head, groaning. "Considering how there's only the one line besides the railyard at Water 7, and the snail will most likely blast my eardrums if it hears an Air Door? Unless you'd all like to take a _swim…_ "

"Let's just take our lumps as they come," Kaku groaned as he waved his hand in defeat. "Best case scenario? Cross rips the _bloodhound_ a new one."

Jabra snarled darkly at the giraffe-man, but he motioned the wolves forward.

The already-tense air around the group grew fit to snap as they approached Water 7, the marching a solemn and nihilistic action on account of the self-evident fate that awaited them.

As the Blue Station steadily came into view, the grinding of Jabra's teeth became increasingly audible, and as they caught sight of none other than Jeremiah Cross himself sitting on the edge of the platform, his legs kicking about casually in the void, said grinding was interrupted by a _very_ audible snap and growl. And Jabra _would_ have most likely tried to take Cross's head off too, were it not for the trio of crewmates looming behind him with their weapons at the ready, with a fourth child-sized one perched on Roronoa's shoulder and _somehow_ looking as menacing as the rest of them.

Cross perked his head up at the snap, shooting a _thoroughly_ aggravating grin at the assassins. "Ahhh, hello there, assassins! Enjoying a lovely night stroll, eh?"

" **SIGNS** _and stench POINT TO—!"_

"Can we please just skip ahead to whatever the hell your point is, chapap _aaaarghhh…"_ Fukuro interrupted with a pained groan as he massaged his skull. "Forty-eight hours later and my head is _still_ ringing like a bell…"

"Not in the mood for my antics, hmm?" he chuckled, shrugging as he waved his hand dismissively. "Fine, fine, I'll go ahead and get to the point: In a nutshell, we're here to make a demonstration of what happens to enemies of ours such as you. Juuust so that there's no mistakes or misunderstandings about our modus operandi, ya know?"

Almost half of the group swallowed heavily at that, including Kalifa, but she steeled her back and glared him dead in the eye, albeit with a slight shiver when the clouds looming above them rumbled ominously. "B-Before you do… _whatever_ it is you plan to do, I have to know one thing: how did you know about my Devil Fruit? _Our_ Devil Fruits?" She swung her arm back at Kaku. "Not even the most famed and accomplished of clairvoyants has ever been able to discern the nature of an unrecorded Devil Fruit, and yet you identified two at once without ever even _seeing them._ How… How is that possible?"

Cross blinked in surprise before slowly letting his grin take on a menacing undertone. "As Kaku said way back when—ya know, when I utterly ruined five years of deep cover work?" The pirate's smirk widened as several of the assassins twitched. "I've yet to show the world even a fraction of the depth of my knowledge, Kalifa. I know a lot of things that, by all accounts, are utterly impossible for me to know."

" _Things that were… things that are… and some things… that have not yet come to pass,"_ Soundbite sneered in a deep feminine voice that emanated age and wisdom.

"Allow me to demonstrate," Cross continued, tilting his head to the side _just_ so. "The reason you guys are running all the way out here, tails between your legs—some offence—" He directed the comment at the Watchdogs, causing several dozen to start growling. At least, until Soundbite snarled _back,_ reducing them to whimpers. "Is that the Marines started combing through the wreckage of Enies looking for you guys. And they were _not_ doing it for your benefit, were they?"

The assassins shared nervous glances before Jabra responded with a snarl. "Yeah? What the hell of it, you two-bit piece of—?"

"The reason I bring it up," Cross flatly interrupted, all amusement wiped from his face. "Is that I can fill in the blanks you no doubt have. See, after a debacle of _these_ proportions and with us nice and missing, the World Government needed a hide to pin the mess on. Now, I've already guaranteed that they're taking their metric ton of flesh from Spandam, but for something on this scale? It's just nowhere near enough." Cross withdrew a roll of paper from his jacket and tossed it to Kumadori. "That's where _you_ come in."

The kabuki-styled assassin blinked at the newspaper in his hands before unfolding it and giving it a quick scan… which he swiftly followed up with a gasp. "YOYO— _WHAT THE HELL!?"_

"Eh? What is it, what is it? Something juicy?" Fukuro nearly squealed, bouncing up and down in an effort to catch sight of whatever it was his comrade was reading.

"You could say that," Cross mused casually as he made a show of examining the bandages where his fingernails used to be. "That newspaper, which is currently being rush-printed and will be spread across the world come morning, has your names, faces, alternate names and faces, _and_ capabilities spread _all over it."_

 _That_ caused each and every one of the assassins to stiffen in shock and horror.

"… _what?"_ Blueno gaped numbly.

"To summarize," Cross continued unhindered. "They're pinning everything on you and your so-called 'incompetence', and have done everything but put bounties on your heads." The pirate looked up, pinning them with a frigid glare. "You all are no longer members of Cipher Pol Number 9 because the World Government has disavowed each and every last one of you, including the legendary Rob Lucci."

" _ **In a word?"**_ Soundbite smiled frigidly. " _You've_ **BEEN** _**BURNED. And when you're burned, you've got nothing: no cash, no credit, no job history. You're stuck in whatever city they decide to dump you in. You do whatever work comes your way. You rely on anyone who's still talking to you. Bottom line: As long as you're burned, you're not going anywhere."**_

"Heh, _nice,"_ Cross chuckled, holding his hand up to Soundbite who eagerly responded with an eye-five.

Fukuro and Kumadori were gaping almost comically, while Kalifa and Blueno looked utterly devastated and Jabra looked fit to rear back and howl, the wolves beside him attempted to console him. And Hattori, for his part, just looked straight-up disgusted.

Finally, Kaku gathered enough strength to lean up on his cot and direct a stare with something very close to hatred at the pirate. "Is that why you came here? It's not enough that you were responsible for all of this, but you have to rub it in our faces and kick us while we're down? Is that the punishment we've earned for what we did to Nico Robin and the rest of your crew?" he asked frigidly.

The other assassins slowly broke out of their stupors to match Kaku's glare.

"Mmm…" Cross tapped his chin in clearly exaggerated thought before shrugging indifferently, _entirely_ unaffected by the sheer force of hate being directed at him. "Nah, that's stupid. After all, you guys aren't our enemies anymore, right?"

 _That_ brought the assassins up short, causing them to blink at him in confusion.

"Ah… come again?" Hattori slowly raised his wing in askance. "Come again?"

"Well, sure!" Cross nodded sagely. "Two days ago, we fought each other practically to the death because you lot were all tools of the World Government, following your orders to the letter with dogged persistence and loyalty. But _now,_ the World Government's dropped you all like yesterday's garbage! Know what that makes all of you to us?"

"…nobodies?" Jabra guessed with a snarl.

"Close!" Cross chirped as he dropped his chin onto his fists, his expression serene and casual… up until he cracked open an eye full of menace. "You're a bunch of highly-trained and _dangerous_ nobodies who are now out of an employer, and are now in need of a new one."

Fifty jaws hit the tracks, while seven stiffened furiously. "And _you're_ thinking of filling that position, then?" Kaku asked suspiciously.

"Meh, after a fact." Cross waved his hand carelessly before reaching into his jacket. "Ah, before I forget; here, catch." He withdrew an envelope and flung it out to them.

Fukuro caught it and took a single glance inside before reeling in shock. "What the—?!"

"Severance pay for Lucci, courtesy of Iceburg, plus Kaku and Kalifa's. I never got the chance to give it to you at Enies. It should be more than enough to cover your needs for the immediate future. As for long-term…" Cross rolled his finger a bit, prompting Fukuro to draw out a small slip of paper. "I'd suggest you call that there number once you're all free and clear. Trust me, it'll be worth your while. Hell!" He spread his arms invitingly. "I bet you'll wonder whether or not you ever left your previous job.

"…What exactly are you saying, Cross?" Blueno inquired suspiciously.

Cross's smile jerked upwards. "Simply this: You've all dedicated your lives to serving the World Government's justice, and while they have found your results to be lacking, I still see merit in them. As such, I'm offering you all a _new_ justice to follow, one that should, with any luck, prove to be _far_ more appreciative of your time and effort. But hey!" He folded his arms behind his head and started carelessly swaying side to side. "It's just that: an offer. Right now, you have the power and the freedom to make your own path, however and wherever you so choose. Just consider this… a peace offering; after all, if your former allies are now your enemies, why not consider making your former enemies your allies?"

"And you _honestly_ expect us to believe that you'd aid us all so freely after we tried to _kill you all?"_ Hattori asked incredulously.

"What are you, stupid or something?" the girl on Roronoa's shoulder chuckled. "Vivi tried to kill us all within twenty-four hours of meeting us, Nami faked killing Usopp in the East Blue, Sanji and Zoro try to kill each other on a daily basis, and Robin tried to kill Cross within ten minutes of meeting him!"

" **Everybody tries to kill everybody!** _It's how we communicate ON THIS CREW!"_ Soundbite grinned.

"Hell!" Cross threw his hands up with a laugh. "It's how _everybody_ communicates in the Grand Line! It's only when you _actually_ kill someone that there's problems! But, ah, seriously, if it'll help…" Cross waved his hand before his face with a sheepish smile. "I've already tried the whole 'kick 'em while they're down' routine awhile back. Did _not_ end well for me, still hasn't ended yet and I doubt it will for awhile. Trust me, I've learned my lesson: revenge is a bitch on both parties, so…"

He clapped his hands together before his wide smile. "Just trust me on this, m'kay? Because really, now… what _exactly_ do you have besides your lives and the clothes on your backs to lose?"

The assassins exchanged looks for the next minute, an unspoken conversation passing between them. Finally, Kaku responded.

 **-o-**

"Pfheheheh…" I chuckled as I watched the large party march off into the distance. "Quite the creative fellow, isn't he?"

"And why exactly are you so chipper?" Nami cocked her eyebrow questioningly as she rested her staff across her shoulders. "Last time I checked, a good negotiation doesn't end when one party cusses out the other."

"Save that that was _all_ they did…" Vivi mused as she followed my line of sight.

"Eh?"

"They didn't toss out the number, witch," Zoro grunted as he dug a pinkie in his ear. "And if they didn't do it now, I'd bet they're not going to do it later."

Nami processed that, blinking rapidly before crossing her arms as she finally turned to watch them. "…Well, how about that… Still, though." She glanced at me uncertainly. "You really think it's a good idea to recruit _them?"_

"Well, what's the worst that could happen?" Merry shrugged as she slid off of Zoro's shoulder and ambled over to our navigator. "Seriously, what? They betray us? To who? They seek out revenge? They might be jobless, but they're still pros. They prove to be incompetent? We already know they aren't. There's no downside!"

"Admittedly, Lucci _could_ prove to be something of a problem, the bastard is headstrong if nothing else…" I muttered as I rolled my shoulders, popping a few sleepy joints. "But meh, I trust it'll all work out in the end. At the very least, there's no shame in trying."

"Well, when you put it like that…" Nami shrugged as she finally allowed her clouds to lighten up a bit.

"Glad to hear that you approve. Now then, let's—ah!" I started to push myself to my feet, but I paused as a ray of light lanced its way into my eye, forcing me to snap my hand up with a wince. "Geeze, what the—!?…oh. Well, now…" I slowly trailed off as I sat back down, my gaze set dead ahead on the horizon. "Ain't that a helluva sight…"

And damn well it was. The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon, and Paradise was doing its darnedest to earn its title. You ever seen a dawn so beautiful you're just left speechless? Because damn… they don't come often.

"Heh…" Vivi chuckled lightly as she folded her arms before her chest, casually tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear. "It has been awhile since I've actually taken the time to get up and watch it… Now I see what I've been missing."

"Tch," Zoro scoffed as he shoved his hands in his pockets. "It's just a sunrise, nothing special." Nonetheless, we could all hear the grin in his voice.

"Oh, shut up and enjoy the scenery, mosshead," Nami chirped cheerfully, her clouds flicking about casually as she swayed back and forth on her heels.

"Eh, personally I'm of two minds," Merry sighed as she plopped herself in my lap and started kicking her legs thoughtfully. "On the one hand, I'm human now, so I need to sleep, meaning that I won't always be able to watch the sunrise like before…"

" **BUUUUT?"** Soundbite queried.

Merry tilted her head back and grinned eagerly. "But! Now I can share it with all of you, and that makes this _worth it!"_

I smiled endearingly as I leaned forwards and rested my chin on her head.

"Yeah…" I whispered, watching the sun peek over the horizon without so much as a speck of worry for the future.

And so my friends and I, a mere fraction of my family, watched a new day dawn together.

"Yeah, it does."

And so life was good.

 **-o-**

A relatively fair distance away from Water 7, Admiral Aokiji peered out of a porthole below the deck of his battleship at that selfsame sunrise with no small amount of melancholy.

The Admiral continued to contemplate the sunrise even as he naturally went about his task, frosty breath exhaling from his mouth and stretching from corner to corner of the insulated room he was in and dropping the temperature to subzero temperatures.

It was an odd order, to be sure, but Aokiji could see the logic behind it, however twisted. In the end, the actions he was taking would ensure the the optimal outcome for the sentence of the World Government's latest prisoner.

For all that he could see the logic, however, Aokiji could not help but harbor doubts after the events of Enies Lobby, but neither could he find the wherewithal to disobey his orders. As such, he dutifully went about his task of renewing the room's cryogenic temperatures before exiting the customized cell.

On his way out, however, he took notice of one of the guards outside snapping his head away in order to hide a grimace.

Aokiji considered him for a moment before sighing as he scratched the back of his skull. "Speak your mind, Marine," the admiral drawled. "I'm not Akainu."

The guard stiffened at being discovered, but after a moment's debate he slowly turned to look his vastly superior officer in the eye with a gaze full of doubt. "This—" he began hoarsely. He coughed and swallowed, and tried again. "Sir, with all due respect, this is… this is not a good idea. More than that, it's… It's foolhardy, _stupid_ even. After everything Jeremiah Cross said on the SBS, with everything going on right now, for us to do… to do _this?"_ The soldier shook his head in denial. "I… this, this could _destroy_ the Marines, sir."

Aokiji silently stared at the guard before shaking his head with another sigh. "Honestly, I'm inclined to agree with you, soldier, and if I could I'd cut him loose here and now… but unfortunately, the orders came down from above my paygrade, so that's a no-can-do."

"B-But surely if you brought it up with Fleet Admiral—!"

"Came down from above Sengoku's head too," Aokiji continued grimly. "And Kong's, to boot."

The guard's words died in his throat as he contemplated those words, and after a moment he slowly turned his head to stare at the freezer door in despair. "Why… Why would they do this, sir?"

"Mmm…" Aokiji scratched at his temple contemplatively. "From what I've heard… they had a plan."

"S-Sir?"

"An old plan," the frigid admiral continued, slowly striding to a nearby wall and sinking down into a sitting position with his elbows rested on his legs. "One they'd had on the backburner for awhile. They were always going to enact it, they were just waiting for the right opportunity to present itself. But now…" Aokiji's brow furrowed darkly. "After all that's happened? After the Darkest Day in the History of the World? Apparently… the plan has been changed."

"C-Changed… changed how?"

"Well, before? _He,"_ Aokiji nodded at the door. "Was the endgame of it all. The one true objective and piece they needed. But now…" The Chilly-man jerked his thumb downwards. "Now he's been demoted to a mere lynchpin. Important and optimal, sure, but ultimately replaceable. They're merely using him for some other goal. Something grander than what they had in mind before… something _worse."_

The guard stared at the admiral for a few seconds as he processed that before swallowing heavily. "But… But, sir… People… people are going to _die_ for this plan to succeed…" The man walked to the freezer door, slid open a peephole in the metal, and gazed inside.

"What could possibly justify those deaths? What good could possibly come…" he breathed as he watched the young man slumber within, both on account of the cold and the IV stuck in his arm, a necklace of red beads the only clothing he wore above the waist. "From executing Fire Fist Ace?" He then glanced to the side, eyeing the other two sleeping prisoners with unease. "Not to mention imprisoning Maelstrom Spider Squardo and Ice Witch Whitey Bay?"

Aokiji sighed heavily and made to answer…

"Zehahaha! More than you'd think, little man!"

Only to snap his jaw shut with a barely suppressed snarl when the voice of the newest bane of his existence suddenly grated on his ears. The ice-man glared icicles at the staircase the large figure had descended from. "Blackbeard," he bit out.

"Zehahahahaaa! Awww, c'mon, Aokiji, call me Teach!" Marshall D. Teach laughed uproariously as he entered the room, an audibly halfway-drunk bottle hanging from his hand as he shot a leer at the Admiral. "After all… we _are_ friends, ain't we?"

Aokiji's scowl deepened as his hands snapped into fists, frost swiftly starting to coat his limbs. "We are _not_ friends, Blackbeard."

"Ooooh, but ain't we?" The odious pirate's grin widened malevolently. "Because no matter how you cut it, I do owe you for making all of this possible! That makes you a friend in my book, zehahaha! And as for you!" He snapped his attention back to the guard before Aokiji could respond. "To answer your question…" He snapped his finger up at the door. "I'll have you know that that brat's life is worth more than this entire ship in gold! And his _death_ even moreso… so long as it's carried out properly! ZEHAHAHAHAAAA!"

The guard swallowed heavily as he backed away from the imposing pirate. "I-Is that so?"

"You got that right, bub!"

"GAH!" The Marine stiffened in horror when Blackbeard suddenly slung his _far_ larger arm over the man's shoulders and pulled him close, invading his senses with his rancid breath.

"And believe me, I should know…" Marshall D. Teach grinned maliciously. "After all, I used his life to buy not only my life, but the lives of my crew _and_ my position as a Warlord of the Seas to boot! Ain't that right…"

The Darkness-human slowly turned his smile on the frosted-over admiral in the room.

"Aokiji?"

Kuzan's grimace deepened as he cast his mind back to what the _bastard_ before him was referencing to.

The exact moment when he'd been forced to sell what little of his soul remained to the devil.

The moment he'd saved Blackbeard's life.

 **~o~**

" _Hooo…"_ _Admiral Aokiji sighed out a misty breath as he contemplated what remained of the island around him. "Might have overdone it a bit. Sengoku's not gonna let me hear the end of this…"_

 _Currently, the admiral and the well-bundled soldiers alongside him were in the process of combing through the icy wasteland that Banaro Island had become. The reason for the recent climate-reassignment was on account of garbled reports coming in that a pair of powerful pirate crews had been tearing apart the island over the course of a full day. And indeed, upon approaching the island, they'd been treated to the sight of an extremely violent fight ripping the land apart, all while a behemoth of a ship rained hot lead upon the field of combat._

 _Normally, Aokiji would have spared_ some _measure of restraint or caution in subduing the aggressors, but the fact was that he simply didn't have the time; in the wake of Enies Lobby's destruction, this cataclysm was just one of many,_ many _such crises raging across the world. As such, the best he could do was end matters as swiftly and cleanly as possible._

 _This logic, combined with the knowledge that the island's civilians had long since evacuated the surrounding waters, lead to a single inescapable conclusion: an Ice Age, massive in scale, to simply freeze each and every pirate where they stood. Now all they had to do was locate their frozen bodies and either arrest them or eliminate them, depending on how troublesome they were. Nice and eas—_

"S-Sir!" _a Baby Transponder Snail being carried by one of Aokiji's men suddenly squawked up._ "I-I found someone!"

" _Finally…" the ice-man sighed in relief. "Can you identify them?"_

"Ah… n-not quite sir… h-he won't give me his name."

That _brought Aokiji up short. "A…run that by me again, soldier?"_

"I-I, ah… h-h-he's in sector 5, sir. Y-You're gonna wanna come and see this yourself."

 _With no small amount of curiosity, the lazy admiral moved in the direction of the sector indicated Someone had managed to evade his Ice Age? Well, if they had a bird Zoan or if they'd been off the ground at the time by some other means, they may have escaped the cold wave._

 _The man he soon saw, however, was decidedly not a bird. Rather, he was a fat, hairy, and supremely_ large _apelike man with missing teeth and clothes entirely ill-suited for the climate, sitting cross-legged in a large circle of snow, his arms crossed and frost starting to accumulate on his body as he shivered with obvious discomfort._

 _While the man's presence and unfrozen state was concerning in and of itself, there was another factor of the scene that held Aokiji's attention: The man was sitting in the middle of a circle of snow. Not_ ice.

 _Aokiji's men each took a nervous step back as the ambient temperature around their superior nosedived, the layers of frost on his body expanding as he took a step forward. "Who the hell are you?" the Admiral demanded._

 _The man kept his head bowed, shivering, before finally raising his gaze, the ice on his neck snapping from the movement. "A-A-Admiral A-A-Aokiji…" he bit out painfully, his expression one of grim determination. "G-G-Good… t-t-that's good… T-The Elder Stars… I need you… to call the Elder Stars… Y-Y-You have their number… r-r-right?"_

 _Aokiji tensed at the demand, his mind flying as he tried and failed to reason out the logic behind what he was hearing. "And while the hell should I—?"_

" _I-I-I have his s-s-son."_

"… _what?" Aokiji finally asked after a long moment of confused silence._

" _I-I-I said…" the man stuttered out through his chattering teeth. "I-I-I have his s-s-son. T-T-Tell them that. T-T-Tell them… and t-t-they'll want to talk to m-m-me."_

 _The Admiral stared silently at the man before shooting a glance at the man in his squad who was carrying the adult Snail. "Get me the Elder Stars, ASAP. Priority one."_

 _The soldier was quick to draw out the snail and punch in the number. The gastropod only rang for once before it adopted a stern expression. "Admiral. What are you—?"_

" _I-I-I have his son."_

 _The snail stiffened before slowly turning to face the speaker. "What was that?" it quietly but firmly demanded._

 _The shivering man snorted as he stared at the snail dead in the eyes. "M-M-My name…" he grit out. "I-I-Is Marshall D. Teach. Y-You would know me better as Blackbeard. And I have his son."_

 _Aokiji stiffened at the man's middle initial, but the most powerful men in the world remained stern._

" _How do we know you're telling the truth?"_

" _R-R-Rouge," Teach replied without hesitation._

 _The snail fell silent before biting out a 'tsk'. "What do you want?"_

" _Y-Y-You_ know _what I w-w-want."_

 _There was another moment of silence before the snail narrowed its eyes. "We could just take him."_

" _N-No, y-you couldn't…" Teach slowly shook his head in grim denial. "I-I-It's taking every ounce of c-c-concentration I have to k-k-keep them all i-i-intact. I-I-If I die, o-o-or lose my f-f-focus, then they'll be lost to the d-d-darkness. And if he d-d-dies here, then it means n-n-_ nothing."

 _Later on, Aokiji would not be ashamed to admit that he flinched when Teach leaned forward, so as to better glare at the snail. "You don't," he breathed malevolently. "Have a damn_ choice."

 _For a few minutes, even the winds themselves seemed to silence themselves as the world held its breath. And then…_

 _The Five Elder Stars sighed in defeat. "As of this moment," one of them bit out grimly. "We the Five Elder Stars hereby deem Marshall D. Teach, aka 'Blackbeard', as Crocodile's replacement for the World Government's sanctioned pirate task force, the Seven Warlords of the Sea, effective immediately."_

 _Aokiji felt a lance of existential terror shoot through him at the exact same instant that a massive grin spread across Teach… no,_ Blackbeard's _face._

" _S-Sirs, with all due respect—!" the Admiral started hastily._

" _The decision has been made, Admiral." The Elder Stars cut him off. "Your orders are to escort Blackbeard to your ship and take Fire Fist Ace into custody. This is your_ only _priority now, Admiral. Do we make ourselves clear?"_

" _But, sirs—!"_

" **Do we make ourselves clear, Admiral Aokiji?"**

 _The ice-man flinched fearfully as he fought to keep himself conscious. "C-Crystal, sirs."_

" _Good. See to it. We'll contact you again at a later date with further instructions." And with that, the highest powers in the world hung up, leaving Aokiji alone with a monster._

 _Said monster chuckled darkly as he slowly made his way to his feet, frost and ice crackling off of him as he moved. "Zehahaha! Ahhh, m-man, that was a c-c-close one! I was almost c-c-completely certain that I was act-t-tually gonna die! Ace and his f-f-friends came_ this _close to d-d-doing me and my boys in…" He directed his smirk at Aokiji. "B-B-But then you saved my a-a-ass with that wave of ice. F-F-Froze everyone else while I j-j-just took it in. H-H-Hurts like a b-b-bitch, but hey!" he spread his arms demonstratively. "I'm alive! A-A-And that's what counts. I-I-I owe you my life…"_

 _Blackbeard strode forwards and slammed his hand down on Aokiji's shoulder, leaning his smile in close._

"Friend."

 **~o~**

A full two days later, Aokiji was _still_ cursing himself for letting the bastard live and he still dreaded every instant that he was in the man's presence. But even in spite of his revulsion, he couldn't help but ask a single question.

"Why?"

"Eh?" Blackbeard glanced over at the Admiral with a smirk. "Whazzat?"

"I asked you _why,_ you damn bastard," Aokiji demanded venomously. "I looked up your Devil Fruit, Teach. My ice would have been burning your insides the entire time, including the ice of your crew and Ace and his comrades, and once he thawed your doctor treated you for frostbite on over seventy percent of your body. He had to reattach _twelve different digits._ I could hear you screaming the entire time, so I _know_ that it hurt like hell. So why? Why go through all that pain? What's your goal?"

Blackbeard remained silent for a while as he stared at the Marine, before slowly grinning in response.

"You're right," he chuckled. "It did hurt. It hurt worse than getting shot by a Colt .96 sniper rifle, but less than getting flayed by prehensile razorwire. Ironically, it hurt about as much as getting burned alive by my old commander's hottest flames! Oooh trust me, I know pain, Admiral. I know pain like the back of my hand, and every time I meet it it never gets any easier. But ya know what!?"

He thumped a fist to his chest. "It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter how much it all hurts, it doesn't matter what the world does to me, what it throws at me, because I can _take it!_ I'll take it all, every bit of it, wherever and whenever it wants to try! No matter how much it makes me scream, I'll take it all, and then I'll laugh afterwards anyways! And you wanna know why?"

Aokiji practically froze up as darkness started roiling off the man, tongues of pure evil flickering from his body.

"It's simple, really…" he chuckled. "I'll take it all… because it's for the sake of my dream. No matter how much it hurts, I'll bear it so long as it means making my dream come true. And as for my dream… well."

The smile the frostburn-covered man bore did the impossible: it sent shivers down Aokiji's spine.

"Let me sum it up for you."

And so, with darkness roaring off of him like a twisted inferno, Marshall D. Teach proudly proclaimed the sentence that would fill Admiral Aokiji with nothing less than existential despair… and would haunt him for the rest of his life.

" **I AM THE MAN…** _ **WHO WILL BE KING OF THE PIRATES! ZEHAHAHAHA!**_ **ZEEEEEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!"**

 **Patient AN: …the harder they fall.**


	48. Omake: Meanwhile…

**Omake: Meanwhile…**

 **Cross-Brain AN: We intended to put these sections in the last chapter, following the revelation of Luffy's father. They went on too long for that purpose, but were too good to discard, so we made an omake out of them. Let this tide you over, therefore, until we release 44. And just as a note: this** _ **is**_ **canon.**

" _Folks, you heard it here, proof positive. Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp, Hero of the Marines, the man reputed for being one of Gold Roger's most formidable rivals, has done the impossible: he's actually managed to prove himself stupider than Luffy."_

"Fufufufu," Donquixote Doflamingo chuckled as he strode down the hall of his palace, listening to the SBS on the snail he was carrying as he strode towards his throneroom. "That little revelation was valuable in and of itself, but this? Ahhh, this is just _priceless._ Going so far as to insult Garp the Hero when he's right next to him; Jeremiah Cross has reached either the height of stupidity or the height of bravery, and for the life of me I can't tell which! FUFUFUFU!"

"A-a-a-a very _a-astute_ observation, Young Master! V-Very astute indeed!" Trebol, holder of the Seat of Clubs, nodded with ill-hidden franticness as he followed closely behind the rightly-named 'Prince of Evil'. Very closely. "M-M-Mayhaps you'd prefer to discuss it somewhere more p-p-private? Such as, ah… ah, your study! Y-Yes, your study w-w-would be an absolutely perfect place to l-l-listen to the SBS!"

"A-A-Agreed!" Diamante, holder of the Seat of Diamonds, concurred with an equal amount of desperation, ringing his hands pleadingly as he matched pace with fellow executive. He was looming almost as much as Trebol in the process. "O-O-Or, w-we could listen in the a-armory! I-I-I have a number of capes that I would like to hear your o-opinion on, y-young master!"

Doflamingo's smile widened even as his pace failed to falter. "You threw a rager in the throne room while I was away once Diamante got back, and Pica's currently cleaning up the mess while you two try and stall me, isn't he?"

The Executives paled in horror as the blood drained from their faces. "Ah…" they chorused dumbly.

"Fufufufu, don't worry about it," the Warlord chuckled, waving his hand dismissively as the trio reached the doors to the throne room. "Normally I'd have all three of you scrubbing the arena from top to bottom by hand, but at the moment I'm both too entertained and too exhausted from two days of trying to keep Big Mom and Kaidou from sinking a few islands to be bothered. To summarize."

Trebol and Diamante panicked when he started to reach for the doors. "Young master, _wait—!"_

Doflamingo ignored them and pushed the doors open. "I really just can't be both—!"

And then Donquixote Doflamingo, AKA the Heavenly Demon and 'Joker' froze, his almost ever-present smile freezing in place.

He stood still for a second before slowly shutting the doors to his throne room, before slowly reopening them.

Trebol and Diamante stiffened in terror when, after shutting them a second time, Doflamingo's smile started to twitch.

" **Trebol…"** he grit out venomously, inane amounts of pure rage reverberating in his voice and crushing the pair's souls. " **Diamante… Would the two of you mind telling me…"**

Doflamingo suddenly lashed his foot out, kicking the doors inwards.

" **WHAT THE HELL ONE OF THE FOUR GODDAMN EMPERORS IS DOING** _ **IN MY CASTLE!?"**_ he roared irately.

The Emperor in question blinked at the Warlord in surprise before smiling and waving pleasantly. "Oh, hey there, Doflamingo!" Red-Haired Shanks greeted cordially. "Sorry for our intruding like this, it was an accident on our part. We'll just gather our belongings and be on our way! Now…" Shanks frowned as he idly scratched at his boxers. "Where the hell are my pants?"

"Over here, Boss!" Lucky Roux called from a corner of the room, waving from where he was seated in front of a bonfire. "Sorry, but I kinda used them to light the barbeque! Don't worry, though, it'll be worth it! I know a _great_ recipe for Fried Fighting Fish! Now all we need are the ingredients!" The rotund pirate glanced around in confusion. "Speaking of which, where _is_ that old gee—?"

 _SMASH!_

"Did someone say _**G?!"**_ Lao G called out as he kicked his way up through the floor.

"Never mind!"

"Also, I have returned!" the ancient martial-artist snorted proudly. "In addition, I bring fighting fish for us to feast upon!" With a single heave, the old man hefted a large skewer into the room, upon which a trio of fighting fish were impaled.

Or rather… two fighting fish were impaled, and a half was _tied_ to it.

"YOU DAMN SENILE COOT!" Dellinger roared furiously as he struggled against the chains tying him to the spit. "I'M NOT A FIGHTING FISH, I'M HALF FIGHTING FISH- _MAN!_ LET ME GO ALREADY!"

"Hm?" Lao G paused for a second before fishing out a pair of glasses from his jumpsuit and holding them to his eyes as he peered up at the spit. "Hmmmm… how odd. One of these fish almost looks like Dellinger."

"ARE YOU—!? Oh, right… SONNUVA—! DAMN IT BUFFALO, HURRY THE HELL UP AND UNTIE ME! THESE BASTARDS ARE GOING TO _FRY ME ALIVE!"_

"HAHAHAHA!" a boisterous voice cackled through the hole in the floor. "THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO STEAL MY ICE CREAM! HAHAHAHA!"

"GRAAAAAGH!"

Doflamingo's eyebrow twitched viciously as he observed the madness before him, his mind trying and failing to process just what the _hell_ was going on. He slowly turned his head to glare daggers at the yet-petrified Executives behind him. " **What. Happened."**

"Ah, sorry, this was actually our fault."

The Warlord snapped his head around to glare at another familiar face. " **Benn Beckman. Explain."**

The first mate of the Red-Haired Pirates sighed wearily as he scratched the back of his head. "Well, you see, what with the fact that our captain has something of an investment with the Straw Hats, hearing them set a new threshold for insanity in Paradise was a cause for celebration. So, we decided to throw a party—!"

"Or 'start a rampage', as the World Government likes to call it," Yasopp air quoted from where he and a snoring Machvise were hanging from the chandelier by their whitey-tighties.

"Yeah, what he said," Benn nodded up at him. "Anyways, we started a rampage, both to celebrate and to draw some heat from Luffy, and well… seeing as our parties can get pretty crazy, we wound up on your island. Sorry 'bout the city, by the way."

That actually brought Doflamingo up short for a moment. "The city? What about the—?"

He was cut off by the minute tell-tale warping sound of Pica surfacing from the floor behind him.

"Pst! Trebol! Diamante!" the holder of the Spades Seat hissed. "I managed to hide just how wrecked the city is from the young master, and I should be finished with repairing all the damage to the rest of the city in a few hours! Just distract him until then and— _GRK!"_ Pica squeaked off when he finally noticed Doflamingo glaring at him over his shoulder. "A-A-Ah… w-w-welcome back, y-young master?"

Doflamingo held the glare for another second before turning his scathing look back on Beckman. "As for you," he hissed frigidly. "The Straw Hats finished levelling Enies Lobby _two days ago."_

Benn blinked in surprise. "Seriously? Huh, well isn't that something." The infamous first mate turned and shouted over his shoulder. "Hey Captain, forty-eight hours this time!"

"Woo!" Shanks shot his fist up victoriously. "New record! Let's party!"

Doflamingo's smile was in immense danger of falling into a scowl as he took note of much of his family's voices cheering alongside the rest of the Red-Haired Pirates. " **Where. Are. The others?"**

"Er… w-well," DIamante glanced to the side nervously. "Besides the ones who are here, Monet is down in the toy factory with Sugar—"

"Maintaining her guard and keeping production going?" Doflamingo growled menacingly.

"…helping her suffer through her prepubescent body not handling ingesting half her bodyweight in alcohol well?" The lord of the colosseum shrank back in terror as the vein on the Warlord's head _audibly_ popped.

"Uh, besides that," Trebol started hastily ticking down his fingers. "The Red-Hairs tied Gladius and Jora to the roof after their powers caused too much trouble for everyone else, Senor Pink is skinny-dipping… _somewhere_ in the castle, we've been trying to catch up with him, last I saw of Baby Five she was using her own fingers to play stabscotch, and Violet is… shall we say, 'keeping the peace' in the colosseum."

Doflamingo slowly turned his glare on the keeper of the Club Throne. " _Is she now."_

"Er…" Trebol literally shrank in on himself as his body started to run. " _Maybe_ she said something about a family reunion?"

Doflamingo slowly and methodically snorted as he forced himself to stay calm. "If that's everything—!"

The Executives started to sigh in relief… before snapping ramrod straight in terror as a familiar form rounded the corner. "I'm back with the Wano Rice Wine, but I forgot my sword while I was there."

"You're not a swordsman," the Executives intoned reflexively, before wincing as _that_ only caused Doflamingo to tense further.

Vice Admiral Vergo took one look at the party assembled before him before spinning on his heel and marching right out without a further word.

The very air around Doflamingo seemed to shiver as he vibrated in place, and the Executives nearly fainted when they noticed the walls starting to _literally_ come undone at the seams. " **RED-HAIRED SHANKS. TAKE. YOUR MANGY CREW. AND GET.** _ **THE HELL. OUT OF MY DAMN—!"**_

" _Ergh… well, hell, if it's already out in the open like this… bah, at least there's nothing stopping me from being proud of my captain being the son of one of the greatest heroes in the world!"_

The room fell silent.

"…The height of stupidity, I think is the answer you were looking for, Doffy," Diamante whispered at last.

"I think you're right," Doflamingo said, his smile returning. "Now, where was I… oh, right."

Outside, the city-state of Dressrosa was just starting to return to a relative degree of normalcy when a furious voice cracked the air.

" _ **GET THE HELL OUT OF MY DAMN KINGDOM!"**_

 **-o-**

Several minutes later, on another side of the world, while a certain old man and a certain old woman rejoiced over the global humiliation of a certain Vice Admiral, a certain mountain bandit glanced at a certain bartender inquisitively. "Ah, say, Makino? Mind if I ask you a question?"

"Hm?" Makino perked up as she glanced at the bandit. "What is it, Dogra?"

"Eh, it's nothing important, really," the diminutive outlaw waved his hand casually. "I was just wonderin' about how come you're always so calm and chipper around us? I mean, come on!" he spread his arms demonstratively. "We might be remakin' this place into a Luffy-themed dive, but we're still mountain bandits and you're just a bartender in that sleepy village."

Makino thought about the question for a moment before chuckling endearingly. "Heh, I suppose that's as good a question as any, and truth be told the answer is twofold. The first, and more important, reason is that you were the ones who raised Luffy and his brothers. And… well, they're practically family to me."

"Fair point. And the second?"

"Well, several years ago, a large group of bandits came into my bar, made a mess of things and then went on to almost kill someone who I very much consider to be the closest person I have to a son. After that happened, weeell…"

 _THUNK!_

Magra and Dogra paled in horror when, without even missing a beat, Makino drew out a shotgun from beneath the bar and slammed it onto the bartop, smiling angelically all the while.

"I decided that I'd never, _ever_ let something like that happen in my bar ever again." Makino slowly leaned forwards, a shadow passing over her smile. "Are we clear?"

"Crystal, Boss!" the bandits yelped as they instinctively snapped into salutes.

And just like that the shadow was gone and Makino was back to her usual, motherly self. "Glad to hear it. More rum?"

"HAHAHA!" Dadan cackled from across the bar. "Atta girl, Makino! Women's pride, all the way!"

"I _knew_ I should have run off that damn Red-Haired bastard when I had the chance…" Woop Slap bemoaned into his mug. But that lasted all of five seconds before he let himself grin again. "Eh, I'll grouse about that later, I'm too happy hearing Garp getting his to be pissy! Makino, more booze!"

And so the party continued.


	49. Chapter 44 - Post-Enies Lobby Pt 2

**Chapter 44**

 **Patient AN: Bad news: We're giving you another cliffhanger to end this chapter.**

 **Xomniac AN: Good news: it's a laugher, not a chiller!**

 **Hornet AN: Boooooo!**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Ah, yes, and one more thing before we begin, regarding the revelations of Chapter 850. To the great Eiichiro Oda:**

 **We dare to enter into your world. You, who demonstrate time and again exactly why it was you who created the best manga of all time.**

 **We are not worthy. Odds are that we never will be.**

… **But that will** _ **not**_ **stop us from trying.**

After watching the sunrise with my friends, I'd been totally ready to hit the hay and recover from one _hell_ of an eventful day. Unfortunately, my heartfelt desire for sleep was firmly overruled.

By whom, you ask? Why, by none other than a certain _sadist of a first mate who shall remain unnamed, that's who!_ Said sadist announced this particular veto by grabbing my collar and bodily dragging me inside away from where everyone was sleeping. I was a _bit_ ticked off at first, but that feeling promptly evaporated when he dragged in Leo and Funkfreed as well, and explained what he was doing.

According to Zoro, apparently I'd made something of a… tactical error in accepting Funkfreed as my new melee weapon: unlike Lassoo, with whom I had some margin of error where his handling was concerned, wielding a blade like Funkfreed required actual training, even if I wasn't aiming to be a master of the blade. As such, in order to make me halfway competent with a sword, he'd be adding onto my training regimen with Leo's aid, effective immediately.

Which leads us to…

"Move your arm up. I said _up,_ Cross."

"Yeah, yeah…"

"Not that high!"

"Grmble…"

 _This._ With the 'this' in question being me holding a de-leafed stick in my hand as I tried to follow the trio's directions on how to take a proper stance for holding a cavalry sabre like Funkfreed. And of course, due to my teachers being a master-grade swordsman, a prodigal Grand Line-grade swordsman, and an actual living sword, the margin of error I was being allowed for my movements was nonexistent.

"How's this?" I asked, lowering my arm in an effort to please my taskmasters.

"No, you need to raise it—!" Zoro started to order me.

"Here, let me!" Leo offered, hastily waddling up to me with his sheathed blades in his hands, following which he started poking my limbs into position. "Here, widen your stance like _this_ , position your free arm over _here_ , aaaand make sure that you have your blade angled like _that._ Ah, and keep your body pointed _that way,_ the whole time too. Get it?"

"Ah…" I blinked in surprise as I realized that he'd angled my body in such a manner that my makeshift 'blade' was parallel to my torso, rather than perpendicular. "Oh, I see! So basically, I'm supposed to use you more like I'm fencing, is that right?"

"More or less," Funkfreed nodded in agreement, shaking his mass slightly in the process. Said mass was naked to the world, as we'd removed the leather harness he'd been wearing before, though hopefully getting him a new sheath would give him something new to wear. "It's a more strength-oriented style than fencing, but there's still some precision to it that should be observed."

"Well, at least now I have _something_ to go off of," I muttered as I started to adjust my stance appropriately.

"While I'm thinking about it, Cross, why did you convince Funkfreed to join you?" Zoro asked with honest curiosity. "The last time I checked, you said that you didn't have the training or discipline to handle an actual weapon. Were you expecting him to do most of the work, like Lassoo?"

I shook my head at Zoro as I popped up a pair of fingers. "Two reasons. First, the obvious one: when there's money on the table, you _never_ leave it there. Not taking Funkfreed meant either letting him go back to the Marines, letting some other crew try and claim and tame him, or letting him go off solo, none of which were good options."

"I'm with him there!" Funkfreed shot his trunk up in agreement. "If the higher-ups were willing to throw even Rob Lucci to the wolves, then I don't even want to think about what they would have done to me! And in case you haven't noticed, not a lot of other crews are even _close_ to as nice as you guys!"

"…mmph, fair enough," Zoro begrudgingly admitted. "Still, this is a big shift from your old mindset. What happened to learning how to wield a sword being too much trouble?"

I spread my arms demonstratively. "It's usually not a phrase to use, but that was then and this is now. When I made that proclamation I was just a glass-boned amateur who was barely getting by with my brains, and who was only ever getting into fights with the weakest of mooks. I think it should be obvious that I'm _not_ that person anymore, most importantly because of the target I've decided to paint on my back. My baton was all well and good up until now, but _now_ is when things start ramping up more than ever. So if I'm going to be equal to the task at hand…" I shot a look over at Funkfreed. "Then I'm going to need the tools for the job. And for the record, I _am_ trying to learn how to wield those tools properly, you know! Have I tried to leave even once while you bastards have been shoving me around!?"

"Ah…" Leo hesitated slightly at that before glancing at Zoro. "He… does have a point, you know?"

Zoro responded with a flat glare. "And you think this matters to me?"

"Not at all, sir!" the dugong yelped fearfully as he snapped to attention.

I felt a shiver of terror shoot up my spine as I sensed a not-subtle amount of menace in the three-sword-master's tone. "Ah-ah-ah-HEY!" I squawked hastily. "S-S-Seeing as I've at least managed to achieve a stance that's only _semi-_ horrible—"

"ONLY _just,"_ Soundbite snarked from inside his shell.

"It's a _dark_ day when I agree with the snail," Zoro said pointedly.

I barely withheld a whimper at the implication. "M-May I take a _small_ break, just for a moment, to check out Funkfreed's abilities? I-I-I'm gonna learn, I swear, b-b-but they're still a major part of the equation, remember!?"

Zoro glared at me, visibly debating with himself before sighing and waving his hand. "Make it fast."

I did _not_ sigh in relief as I dropped my branch and gesturing animatedly at Funkfreed, and the elephant in question quickly transformed himself to fit my grip. As I watched his metamorphosis from flesh to tempered steel, a thought occurred to me. "Ah… hey, just curious here, but _why_ am I using a branch instead of Funkfreed? Or hell, even a _bamboo_ sword?"

"Now _that,_ I can answer myself!" Leo cheerfully announced before going serious again. "Simply put, you don't even _deserve_ to touch a bamboo sword yet, much less a real one!"

"…what," I responded intelligently.

"Well, what did you expect!?" the dugong barked indignantly. "You're used to flailing a baton about without even a scrap of finesse or skill, and as such we're not even _close_ to trusting _you_ with a tool even remotely resembling a katana. Hell, it'd be a disgrace to swordsmen everywhere if you even touched something resembling a sword!"

"As it is," Zoro cut in, taking a menacing step forward. "I'm barely keeping myself from knocking Funkfreed out of your hands due to my memories of you 'wielding' him back on the Bridge, so whatever the hell you're going to do—!"

I swallowed audibly as I processed the unspoken threat before snapping my attention down to Funkfreed. "So! Funkfreed! Something I've noticed about Zoan types: your transformations can either be slow and gradual, like how Lucci did it, or practically instantaneous, like Chopper or Lassoo. Is there any reason you choose gradual? I mean, Lucci could snap to his beast form in an instant, so I know you can do it either way."

"Huh, good catch…" Funkfreed said, sounding impressed. "And yeah, I can. There's just always been an issue doing it, so…"

"Hm…" I hummed thoughtfully before shrugging and pointing him forwards at the empty air. "Well, no better time than the present. Go ahead and transform at full speed, and I'll see if I can help with whatever's going wrong, alright?"

"Uhhh… Well, if you say so…" the elephant-sword said uncertainly. "Here goes!"

There was a sudden blur of motion—

THUMP! "GWAH!" " _ **SONNUVA!"**_

And then I found myself groaning on my back, my ass firmly buried in a trench that my own behind had dug. Sweet _Christ_ my tailbone ached, and if my clothes hadn't been designed for that kind of abuse I'd probably be needing a new pair of pants too.

" _What_ JUST **hit** _ **US?"**_ Soundbite moaned as his shell spun in place next to me.

"If I had to guess?" I groused as I slowly worked my way to my feet, rubbing at my aching rear. "One of Newton's laws, though damned if I know which."

"Yeeeaaah, sorry about that," Funkfreed chuckled sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his head with his trunk. "Hey, look on the bright side: you handled that better than Spandam. When he was on the receiving end of that impact, his arm broke in three places."

I graced the elephant with a flat look. "And me doing better than _him_ is supposed to reassure me _how_ exactly!?"

"Eh…" The Zoan-weapon flinched uncomfortably as he thought that over. "Yeah, fair enough."

"Mrgh… alright, anyways, let's see…" I muttered as I started patting off the dirt on my rear. I mulled over the issues of the transformation: the recoil kicked like a mule, and I doubted that even if I braced myself I'd be able to handle all of it, so how…?

"Now, there's a thought…" I muttered, cupping my chin. "If physics are the issue, then maybe—?"

" _CARE TO SHARE?"_ Soundbite groused. "AND ALSO TO **get me out of the** _ **DIRT!?"**_

"Ah, right, sorry," I apologized as I picked him back up and returned him to my shoulder. "And Funkfreed, back to sword. I've got an idea."

"Ah… alright, then," Funkfreed said as he returned to his natural form. "And that idea would be…?"

"Physics are what's screwing us over," I mused, raising my free hand to grip Funkfreed's hilt as I drew him up in preparation for a stab. "But with any luck, they can _un-_ screw us in the same breath. Alright, let's try this again. On three, one two _three!"_

I stabbed forward with my sword, and smirked victoriously as the force of my stab served to counterbalance the gravitational force or momentum or whatever it was that resulted from Funkfreed's transformation, resulting in me only skidding back a foot or two.

"Second try? Not bad," Leo remarked.

"Now do it again," Zoro ordered. "Until you can do it one-handed and without getting pushed back."

"Pff, dumbass," I snorted derisively as I drew Funkfreed back in preparation and readied myself again. "I was planning on doing that from the beginning."

The corner of Zoro's mouth twitched as I brought the blade forward again. But for all my bravado, it still took twelve more tries before I felt confident enough to take one hand off of it. Bracing myself, I stabbed… and felt myself slide back the slightest bit.

I glanced downwards with a cocked eyebrow. "Thiiiis could take awhile…"

As a matter of fact, it took a half hour and more repetitions of the stab than I care to remember, not even mentioning the 'advice' (read: haranguing) from Leo and Zoro. But, for all that the experience was long and harrowing, the end result was that I could reliably handle Funkfreed's instantaneous stab one-handed.

Case in point, I stabbed Funkfreed forward and drew him back in a single smooth motion, resulting in sudden displacement of air and not much else. "Niiiice," I grinned eagerly as I looked Funkfreed over. "This is going to be _very_ useful. How do you feel about naming that little game-changer 'Pachy-Charge'?"

"Better than naming it 'Elephant Stab.' Spandam probably would have done that. I mean, he wasn't _bad_ at naming attacks, per se," Funkfreed conceded. "But they were pretty uncreative. 'Ivory Dart' was insensitive enough already."

" _Honestly, your opinion_ IS ONLY PARTLY _NEEDED._ _ **We have a theme goin',**_ **AND WE AIN'T CHANGING IT for an oversized mouse."**

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GAVE ME THIS DAMN VOICE IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

" _ **AND YOUR POINT IS…?"**_

"Gonna kill you someday…"

"Anyway, now that that's worked out…"

I very slowly turned around to the sight of Zoro cracking his knuckles as he and Leo started to stalk towards me.

"Hey hey hey, no need for that!" I yelped, backing up fearfully. "I've got that down, I'll drop him on my _waaaait a minute!"_ An eager grin flashed onto my face as a new idea blazed in my mind. "Funkfreed, how hard is it for you to pull that transformation? Is it tiring, or—?"

"Ah… no, not at all?" the elephant-sword answered hesitantly. "It's pretty much like breathing, totally effortless. Why?"

"You'll see," I giggled gleefully as I took my ready stance, energy tingling throughout me in anticipation of what I was about to unleash. "Just extend when I extend and withdraw when I withdraw. Now… _let's go!"_

And with that I shot my arm forward, resulting in my partner's massive girth suddenly occupying the space before me for all of five seconds before I drew my arm back, causing him to vacate the space just as swiftly as he appeared.

And then I stabbed him forward and withdrew again the next second. And _then_ I did it again, and again and again, over a dozen times in a row before I was forced to stop on account of my arm starting to ache.

I capped the display off by withdrawing Funkfreed and using him to sweep away the cloud of dust he'd kicked up before me. Balancing his blade on my shoulder, I grinned at my onlooking tutors. "And _that_ is what we'll be calling Pachy-Pede. Thoughts, comments…?"

Leo silently worked his jaw before slapping his flippers together and sucking in a deep breath. "I don't know about him," he announced, casually jabbing his flipper at Zoro. "But _I'm_ impressed. Get a foe between that and a hard place and I doubt they'll have much luck at walking away. Since you're asking, though… Funkfreed, your body is prehensile in its hybrid form, correct?"

"Ahwha…?" Funkfreed groaned dizzily before coughing as he got his mind back in gear. "Ah… yeah, yeah, I can control it. Why?"

"Well, I noticed that while you were attacking you only fired in a straight line," Leo explained. "That might be easier on you, but it'll let your opponent hold a guard. Better that you vary your position with every strike, so that between your tusks and trunk they don't know what's coming from where. That way…" He popped a thumbs-up (somehow), flashing a winning smile our way. "It'll be like they're getting mowed down by a _real_ stampede."

"Huh…" my blade whistled thoughtfully before vibrating in what I took to be a nod of agreement. "Alright, that works! Thanks for the advice!"

I nodded at the dugong in agreement before looking at Zoro, who was still frowning. "It's a good technique, and it'll definitely be a good way to use the sword. I might even have to try duplicating that force with a stab instead of a slash… but unless you have any other ideas, _can we get back to swordsmanship now?"_ The barely-restrained savagery in his voice sent chills up and down my spine.

"Alright, alright, keep your blades leashed!" I replied, before continuing under my breath, "God knows what at least _one of them_ would do to me…"

"Good," Zoro grunted. "Because now it's time for you to actually wield a sword."

For one bright, shining moment, I actually felt _excited_. And then the fact that both Zoro _and_ Leo were fingering their hilts hit me like one of Nami's punches.

"Right, then!" I squawked fearfully, hastily dropping Funkfreed in favor of whipping out a pack of wrinkled papers from my jacket and holding them before me like the shield they were. "Before you both tan my hide ten different shades of black and blue, who's up for checking out the bounties Coo dropped off for us last night along with the newspaper?"

The two swordsmen froze, glancing at one another silently before letting go of their blades.

"Well, he's not dumb," Leo concluded. When Zoro shot a disbelieving look at him, he raised his flippers defensively. "Hey, I'm not saying he isn't an idiot, I'm just saying he's not _dumb._ There's a difference."

Zoro grunted in begrudging agreement before stalking past me. "You live for now, Cross. We'll just kick your ass twice as hard for twice as long later. Now hurry up and get a move on."

I swallowed heavily as I tried to keep my nerves in check. I _also_ tried to find some route of escape, but that hope died a painful death when Leo's sheathed blade poked at my back, the sound of him chuckling all I needed to hear to know about my chances.

Soundbite's _very_ helpful commentary on this development was to toll out a funeral bell as he cackled.

"Yeah, yeah, I get the picture…" I groused as I walked after Zoro, hands raised above my head in surrender.

 **-o-**

When we returned to our temporary HQ, our friends were all up and milling about their early-morning business. Naturally, that all changed when I displayed the sheaf of papers in my possession and announced their nature.

From there, our friends' reactions fell into three distinct categories.

"WOOHOO, NEW BOUNTIES ARE HERE!"

" _BOUNTIES! BOUNTIES! BOUNTIES!"_

First, there were the overtly enthusiastic members who'd formed an impromptu can-can line and were dancing around and cheering their hearts out. Naturally, this faction was headed up by Luffy and was composed of Merry, Raphey, Mikey and Chopper. I wasn't expecting the inclusion of Usopp, but I suppose that he _was_ getting more and more confident as of late. I'd have to factor that into Thriller Bark, sure, but meh, I doubted it would be _that_ hard.

My eye twitched when… pretty much every inch of ragged or melted flesh on my body suddenly decided to blaze.

On second thought, maybe playing it by the ear _wasn't_ the best of ideas, especially considering how things usually wound up biting me in the ass once we actually reached them.

Anyway, moving on to the second group…

"Lemonade, ladies?" Sanji crooned, setting a tray with several decorated glasses on the table, his calm tone belying the excitement that was so _obviously_ coursing through him. Just look at how he was shaking with repressed glee! At least, I hope that was repressed glee.

"Why, thank you, Sanji," Robin purred as she accepted the drinks—all of them—and started passing them out to the others sitting at the table, which is to say Conis, Su, Zoro, Boss, Leo, and a somewhat twitchy Vivi. The archaeologist grinned just a little too innocently as she took a sip of her drink. "So, would anyone care to place a wager on their bounties? Losers have to guard the winner's food from Luffy for a week. I myself wager that they'll merely raise mine by a million. It _is_ quite substantial as is, you know."

"Oh, I'm in, I'm in!" Su called out as she waved her paw eagerly. "For me… mmm, a cool mil would be good, I don't want to get too fluffy for my fur."

Leo snorted a laugh into his lemonade. "Come again?"

"It's a fox saying, look it up." Said fox jerked her nose up in a proud sniff before grinning at her owner. "And what about you, Conis? Considering your storming of the train and the sheer amount of firepower you brought to bear, I'd saaay…" She tapped her chin thoughtfully before perking up in realization. "Somewhere higher than our good Princess's first bounty, but lower than her new one."

"W-What?!" Conis gasped in shock, her hands slapping to her cheeks as a demure blush came over her face, starting to squirm in her seat in embarrassment. "T-To inherit Vivi's bounty, or even surpass it… n-no, no, I couldn't! I'm nowhere near worthy of an honor such as that!"

"Ahh, don't be that way!" Leo chuckled into his drink. "After all, you _are_ a prominent member of the crew, so you're definitely getting a bounty! Me, on the other hand? Nada. Easy money says I'll just get rolled up in Boss's—!"

 _THWACK!_

"—YEOW!"

"Don't be an idiot, Leo," Boss snorted, lowering the flipper he'd smacked Leo upside the head with. "You're one of my best students, and you're all impressive besides. You'll get your bounty…" He glanced upwards thoughtfully. "And… honestly, I'm thinking mine won't break 100 million."

"What!?" Leo cried in shock. "But, Boss—!"

Boss silenced his disciple with a raised flipper. "I pulled a few impressive feats of my own, I won't deny that, and with the development of the Full Shell Style, I imagine I'll only grow stronger from here. But for now, I'm still a novice. I don't deserve a bounty that high."

"B-Boss…" Leo sobbed before wiping his face with his flipper. "I'm moved! Such humility! To think you'd even accept a bounty that's as low as dirt!"

"Moron!"

 _THWACK!_

"YEOW!" Leo yelped as he got thwapped _again._

"Now, listen here, you little pup!" Boss snorted proudly as he jabbed his cigar at his student. "I might be humble, but I've still got _some_ measure of pride, damn it all! I might not break 100, but I will _definitely_ pass 50! Heck…" He puffed his chest out proudly. "Forget 50, I'll pass 75, easy! And my next one? _That'll_ be 100 plus without a doubt, and don't you damn well forget it!"

"I… see…" Leo muttered as he rubbed his head. "How… _humble_ of you…"

"So, is that your bet, Boss?" Robin asked with a smile.

"You better bet your bottom beri it is!" the dugong nodded firmly before shooting a look at the final member of their gathering. "And what about you, princess? Care to share your thoughts?

Vivi graced the martial-arts master with a dry look before turning her attention to the table as a whole. "My thoughts? Simple: you're all twisted. In case you've all forgotten, you're betting on exactly how much the World Government and every willing bounty hunter in the world wants you _dead_. Doesn't that disturb any of you in any way? Or strike you as the _least_ bit morbid?!"

A silence hung over the table for a second before Robin cocked her head to the side with a smile. "So, I take it you _won't_ be participating then, your highness?"

Vivi met the archaeologist's gaze unflinchingly… before glancing to the side with an embarrassed blush and a pout on her face. "60 to 65 and not a beri more," she reluctantly mumbled out.

A shocked silence fell over the table as everyone stared at her, a silence which she punctuated by audibly slurping on her drink's straw. And a further disturbance came in the form of a rather familiar noise.

"AHHH, VIVI-SWAN IS SO CUTE WHEN SHE'S BETTING ON THE VALUE OF OUR LIVES!" Sanji cried as he spun up into yet another of his Love Hurricanes.

"Don't say it like _that,_ moron!" Vivi protested, her blush going fully luminescent.

"AND EVEN CUTER WHEN SHE'S BERATING ME~!"

"Tch, dumbass…" Zoro grunted, rolling his eyes. "Bah, whatever. Anyway, mine's definitely breaking 100, easy. At the least…" The swordsman's grin widened as he glanced at our cook. "I'm going to be worth _double_ the cook."

Sanji's hurricane spun out as he ground to a halt, slowly turning his head to glare daggers at Zoro. "Say that again, mosshead."

Zoro's grin took on a predatory gleam as he met the cook's gaze head on. "You heard me, shit cook."

"I SAID SAY IT AGAIN, MARIMO!"

"I'M NOT REPEATING SHIT TO YOU, SWIRLY-BROW!"

I sweatdropped as the two slammed their foreheads together. Yeah, the second group was the quiet ones. Quiet in comparison to the loud ones, at least. For the most part, they were the ones waiting to hear the new prices on our skins with relative calm.

" **HEADS UP!"**

"GAH!" I cried, feeling a chair pass through my hair.

 _Very_ relative calm.

Anyways… for the final group? It was tiny, composed of only three individuals.

"Why are they all so calm?" Nami moaned as she curled up beside Carue, displaying an odd combination of body language that conveyed both depression and a hint of fear. The duck, for his part, was holding his wings to his bill and chattering his teeth in a manner I could only imagine was his version of nail-biting. No surprise from those two. But the third did come as something of a surprise.

"Because they're all either jaded or _insane_ ," Donny intoned as he repeatedly bounced his head in the groove he was wearing into the wall. "Would you rather be one of _them_ instead?"

Nami's miserable whine was answer enough.

I spent a moment taking in the scene before glancing at the posters in my hand, opening my mouth to draw everyone's attention. Before I could say boo, however, I caught sight of the face on the frontmost poster, and I snapped my mouth shut as I began rifling through the stack.

"CROSS!"

I then nearly dropped the stack as Luffy's sharp yell drew everyone's attention.

"No peeking ahead!" Luffy ordered with a huff. "Things have changed from what you know, right? So that means our bounties are different too! You should be just as surprised as the rest of us!"

"Oooh, too late on that count, Luffy," I drawled as I went right back to picking out the bounties I was looking for. "I hadn't looked at the posters until now, so I only just now realized that Coo got us a full stack of new bounties, rather than just our crew's."

"Wait, what?" Vivi asked incredulously before glancing down as she cupped her chin. "You mean… no, of course not all of those bounties are ours, something like this would have every remotely notable bounty in the Grand Line. But whose bounties are you looking for if they're not ours?"

I smirked as I continued rifling through the posters, picking out the pictures I needed and holding them up. "Why, our competition's, of course."

All noise died as everyone stared at me in different variations of shock and awe.

"Cross…" Conis started hesitantly. "D-Did you just say… 'competition'?"

I shot a smug smirk at her. "But of course. What, did you really think that we were the only pirates on the Grand Line? Or at least, the only ones of our caliber?" I chuckled as I shook my head. "Sorry… but no. Luffy will be king, that's a given, but there are others who want a say in the succession, too."

I held up the bounties. " _At least_ nine others, to be exact. Nine other pirates who did the unprecedented and achieved bounties topping over _100 Million_ in an extremely short amount of time upon starting their careers as pirates. Collectively, alongside those of us on this crew who would have also been worth over 100 Million—that is, Luffy and Zoro—they are known in this era as the Eleven Supernovas. The most powerful rookie pirates of this generation. And you wanna know the _real_ kicker in all that?"

I leaned forward, locking eyes with Luffy as I spoke the next words.

"I hardly know spit about most of them."

Luffy's interest was piqued immediately, and the rest of the crew reacted half in dread, half in eagerness.

"Define 'hardly anything,' Cross," Raphey requested, now gazing hungrily at the posters I was holding.

I maintained my smirk as I tapped the posters with the back of my hand. "Their names, the names of their crews, snippets of their personalities, and the briefest glimpses into the natures of their abilities…" I drew out a pair of posters from the stack and let the crew see them. "With only _two_ exceptions." I slid one out so that the owner's shark-toothed grin was visible. "The first, of course, is an old friend of ours: the captain of the Barto Club Pirates, Bartolomeo, A.K.A. 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo."

"Ah… wait, 'fwiend?'" Carue asked cautiously. "Whaddaya mean? Aye don't wemembah evah meeting him…"

"It was right before we set sail for the Grand Line," Sanji explained as he moved closer to get a better look at the poster. "One of Luffy's old enemies showed up to try killing him, and Bartolomeo became a fan after Luffy was saved at the last minute when lightning struck the platform where they both were."

"…Aye should be supwised about dat, aye weawwy should," the duck muttered acridly.

"Anyway, let's see here…" Sanji mused as he started reading the poster. "฿350 million? Geez, that's impressive. How did he— _he punched out a Celestial Dragon?!"_

 _That_ got reactions out of absolutely everyone, though mostly variants on " _What?!"._

"Actually, Sanji, he just took the credit; his _first mate_ was the one who punched him out, and he's not happy about how the story got changed," I corrected with a grin. "Still, you do actually know _him_ … provided you actually remember Gin, anyway."

Sanji blinked in shock before scoffing and shaking his head. "After he nearly caved my head in and then nearly killed himself protecting me from the MH5? How the heck could I ever forget." He looked upwards wistfully. "So he actually made it, huh? Good. Good for him."

"Yeah, I'm happy to hear he's alright!" Luffy nodded in agreement, before tilting his head quizzically. "Uh, who was he, again?"

I rolled my eyes as our fellow East Blue recruits all slammed to the ground. "Dead eyes, grayish skin, worked with Krieg? Gave you his gas mask, too, remember?"

The gears in Luffy's brain churned visibly for a second before he smacked his fist in his palm. "Oh, yeah! Sanji fed him when he got kicked out, and that was when I knew I wanted him as my cook! Now I'm _really_ happy for him!"

Nami shook her head in equal parts fondness and exasperation before directing her attention to me. "Moving on… I'm guessing that the second exception is that psychopath that used Marines for a game of Jenga? What was it, Law?"

"'Surgeon of Death' Trafalgar Law, yes," I nodded, revealing the other poster… which held an even higher number. Nami blinked several times.

"…OK, how does he get ฿375 million? I mean, I get that what he did was _bad,_ but what Bartolomeo did was _blasphemy."_

"Well, for starters, he had a jumpstart on Barto," I explained. "Before my involvement, he would have held the third-highest bounty of the Supernovas, at ฿200 million. But currently?" I read over the bounty and promptly raised my eyebrows in surprise. "Well, now… apparently the whole 'Jenga' thing was only the tip of the iceberg. He got ahold of those soldiers by _invading_ a Marine base and taking it over, and then letting the public and his crew have the run of the place."

 _That_ freaked out more than a few of my crewmates.

"H-H-He took over an _entire Marine Base?!"_ Usopp stammered fearfully.

"What the hell kind of monster _is_ this guy?" Merry whistled in awe.

"Ah, if it's any consolation? He's strong, yeah, and he's only going to get stronger, but he didn't pull this off alone." I hastily silenced everyone's fears. "Rather, he had help, from… her." I drew out the appropriate poster. "'The Glutton' Jewelry Bonney, ฿235 million. Her appetite rivals Luffy's, and her powers are quite impressive. Though I'm guessing you don't want details?" I glanced at Luffy, and shrugged when he shook his head. "Okay, just checking. Lemme just run through the rest so that you all recognize them and then we'll move on to ours, alright?

At the nods of assent, I began laying down bounty posters one after another, starting with the one I deemed the most pressing. "Eustass 'Captain' Kidd: ฿400 Million. In the original, his bounty was the only one higher than Luffy's, and he achieved it through _sheer brutality._ Case in point, this little boost in the ratings came from _attacking a Marine training camp._ He almost got killed in the process because there was a…" I winced sympathetically. "Wow, retired Admiral teaching there, _that's_ unlucky… but make no mistake, this guy is a vicious son of a bitch and he _is_ dangerous. I cannot be clear enough on this point. If you see him?" I showed the poster around. "Do not face him and do not piss him off. Because if you do, I can't guarantee you'll walk away."

"Are you seriously telling me that we've got another Lucci as a rival here?" Zoro grimaced.

"You especially wouldn't stand a chance against him, Zoro; his powers are almost as bad as the Rust-Rust Fruit for swordsmen." I blinked in realization. "Speaking of which, I've been meaning to ask—"

"Yubashiri can be fixed," Zoro interrupted, but it was accompanied by an angry sigh. "But not anytime soon. The blacksmith will finish the work, but it won't be done until long after we leave. So, I'm down to two swords for now. I assume you know where I can get another one?"

"Yes, and soon," I confirmed. He nodded, and I looked back at the posters.

"OK, one more thing about Kidd before we move on: he's the only Supernova besides Luffy to have another Supernova on his crew." I held up the poster in question. "His first mate, 'Massacre Soldier' Killer, is worth ฿100 million on his ow—wait, what?" I stared back at the poster in confusion. "The hell—? That's barely _two-thirds_ his canon bounty!

"Maybe he's still going to grow over time?" Funkfreed offered.

"Mmm… maybe?" I hedged uncomfortably. "Still… anyway, he's more levelheaded than Kidd, but he's still dangerous; he's the only other Supernova I can confirm _doesn't_ have a Devil Fruit. He's no pushover and he _still_ has that epithet, so watch your backs."

I gave everyone a chance to process before shuffling for my next poster. "Anyways, next on our program is 'The Magician' Basil Hawkins, worth ฿288 million. He's one of the most mysterious of the Supernovas, because I can't tell where his Devil Fruit abilities end and what I can only define as legitimate _magic_ begins! And as for his crimes…" I took one look before reeling. "Holy—! Now _there's_ a name I recognize! Apparently he got in a tussle with a damn Warlord _and_ he walked away!"

Robin tensed up. "A formidable individual indeed…"

I shook my head in denial as I continued to read. "No… No, wait, that doesn't make any sense, he's skilled and his powers are weird, but I don't see how he could have actually managed to fight against—Ah," I concluded as I read the appropriate details. "Alright, now _that_ makes more sense: Law and Bonney weren't the only ones working in pairs. Voodoo-boy had help from 'Red Flag' X. Drake, worth ฿266 million. The guy used to be a Marine Rear Admiral, but that's about the only solid thing I know; he's really hard to read, but one of the strongest Zoans I've seen, too. Makes sense that the two of them could at least go toe-to-toe with a Warlord. Ah!" I hastily snapped my head up as I realized what I was implying. "For the record, they didn't _beat_ that Warlord, no, but they did manage to come out alive."

"Doesn't make them any less impressive…" Vivi mused thoughtfully.

"No kidding… Alright, we've still got three more to go… and we'll be continuing with Capone 'Gang' Bege: ฿277 million. Stereotypical mafia boss: father to his men, smart enough to know when to fold 'em. But if we wind up fighting, there is nobody in the world who the label 'one-man army' better applies to. And he… Uh…" I paused as I read over what was written before glancing up in confusion. "Ah… have any of you ever heard of Fort Lumose? It doesn't fall under my purview of knowledge."

"It's the World Government's main gold storage for the Grand Line, renowned for its high value and even higher security," Nami swiftly answered. A glazed look came over her eyes as a slight line of drool trailed out of her mouth. "And it's been the wet dream for _many_ a thief over the years, myself included…"

"Huh…" I read over the poster again before proffering it to Nami. "Well, I guess Bege is _living_ that dream, because he somehow managed to _clean the place out."_

"WHAT!?" Nami squawked, all but ripping the paper from from my hands as she tore through its contents.

"Robbed the place blind in all the confusion," I nodded in confirmation. "And knowing what I do of his powers, I've got a fairly good idea of how he did it, too."

Nami stared at the paper blankly for a second longer before… _looking up with a blush!?_ "I think I might actually be in love…" she breathed.

I only just managed to place the bounties between my face and Sanji when he grabbed my collar. "Not the face, not the face! Besides, _you_ never volunteered to raid Fort Lumose for her!"

Silence fell as Sanji forced his hand open and stalked away with a heavy drag of his cigarette. "…You live for today, Cross," he grit out. "You live for _today."_

I grimaced as I tugged my collar and started reading the bounties again. Then I did a double-take as I saw who was up next, and grinned. "Ahh, here we go. My 'rival', 'Roar of the Sea' Scratchman Apoo: ฿250 million. As for what he _did…"_ I shot a grin at our ship guards. "You boys'll like this: he teamed up with the Great Kung Fu Fleet to take down a Marine task force."

"HA!" Boss shot his fist in the air triumphantly, while his students started exchanging chest bumps and highfives. "I didn't expect anything less from the Captain: kicking ass and taking the biggest names around so that they can nail them to the wall!"

"And last but certainly not least, 'Mad Monk' Urouge: ฿186 million. A native of a Sky Island, possibly Bilka, though I don't know that for sure, and he's overall a pretty good guy. Bit boisterous and maybe a bit spontaneous, but other than that…" I shrugged helplessly. "No idea. Anyway, as for what he did—"

I didn't just freeze. That implied a higher level of cognitive function than I actually possessed at the moment, because what I was reading—

"…Soundbite? Do the Takei."

" _Ooooh myyyy,"_ the snail obliged.

"Do we _want_ to know?" Vivi deadpanned.

"…I'll let you judge," I whispered, slowly turning the poster to her.

Vivi quickly scanned it over before flushing like a torch. " _Ooooh myyyy,"_ she breathed.

"Ah, Vivi?" I winced sympathetically as I tapped her shoulder. "You've… got a little something…" I gestured at my own face.

Vivi blinked in confusion, patting around her face before wincing as she hastily wiped away the minute trail of blood she was sporting. "I… have no excuse," she concluded lamely.

I shook my head in disbelief as I gingerly placed the poster face down. "'Man of God' my ass…" I moaned.

" _Different ways_ **of worship?"** Soundbite offered uneasily.

I considered that for a moment before shuddering. "No… No, that only makes it _worse."_

The silence hung in the air until Luffy dragged attention over to himself by clapping his hands together. "Alright, that was cool and we'll keep an eye out for those guys, but if that's everything you wanted to talk about, then I wanna get to our bounties!" Luffy exclaimed eagerly, snapping the tension like a twig.

I sighed in relief at _that_ little distraction before nodding eagerly. "Alright, alright, I'm as eager as the rest of—er, _most_ of you," I corrected myself as I felt a trio of glares hammer into me before bringing up the remaining bounties and grinning. "So, without further ado? Let's start at the tippy tippy top…" I laid down a poster sporting a _very_ familiar grinning face. "With our very own 'Straw Hat' Monkey D. Luffy."

Everyone leaned forwards eagerly… and Luffy promptly shot his fists up with a victorious whoop.

"Woohoo, it went up!" Luffy cheered at the top of his lungs.

I nodded firmly in both awe and agreement. "By a _mile,_ captain. From ฿300 million to 475? You have _officially_ attained the highest bounty I myself have ever heard of. Heck, you've even managed to top the _Warlords._ _All_ of them, as far as I know. They _reaaaally_ want you dead!"

"Shishishi! Awesome!" my captain laughed as he pumped his fist in the air. The more sensible ones of the crew were rather subdued, but everyone else was rather awestruck.

"Next up, our first mate, 'Pirate Hunter' Roronoa Zoro. In the story, your bounty doubled to ฿120 million, entrenching you as the lowest of the Supernovas. And now…" I laid down the paper. "You're the _second_ lowest, at ฿150."

"Tsk," Zoro grumbled, despite his wide grin. "So, unless the shit-cook has less than 75 million on his bounty, then I lost the bet… eh, what the hell." He started stretching his arms in preparation. "It's good impromptu training anyways. Bring it on."

"Suicidal morons…" Nami groaned, digging the heel of her hand into her forehead. "Screw it, in for a beri… you're already going down the ranks already, might as well keep going. Go ahead, rip it off like a bandaid. Tell me just how dead I am."

"Ask and you shall receive," I nodded as I started digging through the posters. "Little miss second mate, you have gone from the 'Cat Burglar' Nami worth a pittance of ฿16 million, to…" I slapped the poster down for all to see. And promptly stared in shock, along with everyone else. I slowly turned my stunned gaze to Zoro. "My apologies, Zoro," I breathed numbly. "You're not the second lowest Supernova. You're the _third."_

Nami's mouth hung open as she slowly picked up the poster and took in the long-range shot of herself standing on the deck of the Merry, Clima-Tact planted at her side and her thunderous Eisen Cloud wrapped around her like some kind of aura. The remaining traces of lightning in the air sure didn't hurt the image either.

"'Weather Witch' Nami…" the navigator breathed numbly. "Worth… _125 million?"_

"And alongside that Barty guy…" Lassoo mused thoughtfully. "It looks like we have at least _thirteen_ Supernovas."

"…Um… well, at least you weren't tricked into posing in a bikini?" I offered. "That really got Genzo's blood pressure pumping in the story."

Going by how Nami suddenly glared at me and her Cloud snapped to thunderous, that was _not_ the right thing to say. "I'm pretty sure his pressure is still going to spike _for another reason entirely!_ Let me make this easy for you: _what the hell, Cross!?"_

"Hey hey hey!" I raised my arms defensively. "In case you happened to forget, all I did was give you the Eisen Dial. _You_ decided to fry ten battleships with enough voltage to power New York City, and _yes_ that is impressive where I'm from!"

"I saved our lives!" Nami retorted.

"By _frying_ ten _battleships!"_

Nami shut her mouth with an audible click, teeth grinding together, ozone starting to filter into the air. And then the clouds went back to normal right as she released an explosive sigh. "It's sad that I can't argue with that…" she muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"If it's any consolation?" Robin offered in a gentle tone of voice. "I believe it's more a political move that's the fault of the World Government, rather than anything done by you yourself."

Nami snapped her eye open as she glanced at our archaeologist. "Explain?"

"Cross said it best," Robin shrugged. "You're the second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, and we are currently among the most notorious pirates in the world. By ranking our officers so high, the World Government underlines the menace we pose as a group. It's also probably why Killer's bounty was lower than Cross expected, so as to further emphasize you and Zoro's bounties over his own." She then nodded at me. "I also imagine that there are in fact fourteen Supernovas in existence, counting our infamous third mate."

I frowned as I considered that. "Well, shit… that's no good, thirteen sounds _way_ cooler than fourteen."

An ominous flash of lightning crackled around Nami as she clenched her jaw. "One more word like that and I really _will_ punch you, Cross."

"Moving on!" I yelped as I scrambled with the bounties. "And since we've done it so far, let's continue in the order that we joined the crew… or at least that Luffy ran into us, though that's basically the same thing. So, where's Usopp's…"

"What was my old one, Cross?" the sniper asked eagerly.

"The same starting bounty as Luffy's, ฿30 million, but it wasn't for you, it was for the masked menace, Sniper King. But now—aha!" I said triumphantly, yanking out the relevant paper. "Well, it's still for the Sniper King, but he's not anonymous anymore. 'Sniper King' Usopp, ฿40 million. Congratulations, my good man, on an awesome bounty and an awesome picture." And with that, I slapped the poster down on the table.

Usopp looked at the picture of him standing on the Tower of Justice, Kabuto raised triumphantly over his head, and grinned as he saw the number. "I have a _bounty…_ " he breathed in awe.

"Now, let's see here…" I said as I fingered through what I had left. "In the story, 'Black Leg' Sanji was renowned for being worth ฿77 million… PFF!" I snorted as I found the _unmistakable_ image I needed. "And now he will be known the world over under the same name, worth ฿90 million… sorta, anyways."

"Huh?" Sanji, along with everyone else, looked at me quizzically - or at least with a quizzical expression. "What do you mean 'sorta'?"

"Well…" I snickered as I fought to keep myself under control. "They'll know you by _name,_ anyways, but your picture…"

I held up the picture in question for Soundbite to see. The snail took one look at the poster…

" **WAHAHAHA!** _ **HOOHOOHOO**_ HEEHEE _heeeeeHOOOHOHOOOO!"_

Before absolutely _dying_ with gut-busting laughter.

"Oooh, now _this_ I gotta see!" Su laughed, hastily darting over clambering onto my opposing shoulder. "Is it as good as… it…" She trailed off into silence…

"TSEEHEEHEEHEE! TSEEHEEHEEHEEEHOOOH MY GOOOOD!"

Before falling off my shoulder _howling,_ squirming around on the ground as she laughed. "I can't breathe, _I CAN'T BREATHE!"_

"What the hell's wrong with my poster, damn it!" Sanji demanded.

I considered that for a moment before shrugging and placing the poster down for all to see, and secured my headphones. "Congratulations, Sanji," I snickered. "You are _officially_ one of the most infamous pirates in this day and age… for a completely _unique_ reason."

For once, I was actually disappointed in the reaction. Sanji took one look at the wanted poster and just slumped forward, supporting himself with his hands on the table as a despondent cloud hanging over his head, accompanied by a mutter of "Who is this…?"

I blinked at the display before tilting my head to the side in disappointment. "Well, that was underwhelming…"

"≈√ _¡∞¢ç∫ß¥$œ¡γ¿∫‰£ç∂£‰¥!"_ Sanji howled in my face as he suddenly grabbed my collar and started shaking me vigorously.

"Ge-e-e-et him o-o-o-o-off of me-e-e-e!" I howled desperately.

The room was dead silent once my friends managed to wrestle our irate cook off of me, which gave me enough time to work out a weak "Translation?"

" _SORRY, dude,_ **THAT WAS ALL** _ **gibberish.**_ LIKE, LITERAL _**gibberish,"**_ Soundbite answered dizzily, his eyes spinning wildly.

Still flopping bonelessly in Sanji's grip, I heard a rustle of paper, followed by Conis fighting to not laugh.

That was enough to snap Sanji out of his rage, and he dropped me on my ass before flopping back into one of the room's armchairs, staring vacantly up at the ceiling.

"Alright, all twisted humor aside," Vivi suggested, wincing as she looked the poster over herself. "Why don't we go ahead and correct this? We'll just use a Vision Dial to take a better picture, contact Smoker and—"

"NO."

The room jumped as I spoke up, and any protests died as I looked around at them with a dead serious expression. "I won't say much, but it is _vital_ for our future that the world _does not_ find out what Sanji looks like, and this time I adamantly _swear_ to you that this is not a damn joke. If I do things right, we won't need it at all, but if anything goes wrong, then that picture will be _critical_ in the future. The poster stays, no matter how embarrassing it might be, at least for now."

The following silence was deafening, but oddly enough, it was Sanji who recovered quickest, standing up and adjusting his collar uncomfortably. "…I'll trust you on this one, Cross," he said quietly, his tone utterly subdued and removing all possibility of argument. He then shot a glance at the poster Vivi was holding and shuddered. "Just… get it away from me, alright? Far, far, _far_ away."

I nodded, but before I looked back at my collection of posters, I caught Zoro's eye. He gestured subtly at Nami and Vivi, and I nodded. He visibly fought to keep from smirking as I started rifling through the papers again.

"Alright, now for the moment I've really been waiting for…" I said eagerly, seizing on the paper as I saw my own form, posing rather epicly. I slowly withdrew it, and my face split with a grin at what I saw. "Oh, I am _loving_ this so far. 'Voices of Anarchy' Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite—"

"HEY! _How come_ **I don't get** _ **MY OWN—"**_

And then all noise _died_ as both he and I saw what was written in the bounty section.

For a few seconds, there was absolute silence and stillness as my partner and I stared wide-eyed at the poster.

"…OK, what's going on with you two?" Su scoffed, climbing up to my shoulder again. "Shouldn't you be cheering about this to literally all ends of the—"

Her mouth snapped closed and her eyes snapped wide open. Then she fell of my shoulder and dropped onto the floor, dead to the world and her tongue lolling out.

"Oh, for the love of you-know-who, it can't be _that_ bad," Sanji growled, ripping the poster out of my numb hands. He then began choking as though he had tried to swallow a skeleton. It was with a wide-eyed look that he turned the poster around, showing it to the whole crew and causing _them_ to stiffen as well.

"…I… I can't bring myself to feel upset about breaking 100 million anymore," Nami managed through an utterly dropped jaw. "This… ฿125 million is _chump change_ compared to this."

"Unless I'm grossly mistaken?" Robin breathed. "I am fairly certain that most _New World_ bounties are minor compared to this, and I am having a _very_ difficult time recalling many others in the world with _higher_ bounties."

"Speaking as someone who has _been_ to Mariejois multiple times in my life, I never thought I'd find myself asking this, but… does the World Government even _have_ that much liquid capital?" Vivi squeaked.

"Words really _do_ hit harder than anything else," Boss muttered.

"I think that you don't have to worry about there being fourteen Supernovas, Cross," Zoro said, his eyes still wide. "Because _that…_ is _way_ beyond those."

 _That_ finally made me snap out of my stupor. And really, there was only one thing I could say.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

 **-o-**

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"…My my, Sengoku," Tsuru muttered as she dug a finger in her ear. "It appears I overestimated how much of your good sense remained regarding Cross."

"OHH, _HELL_ NO!" Sengoku roared as he jabbed his finger at his long-time comrade. "YOU ARE _NOT_ PINNING THIS MESS ON ME! I ORDERED AN ENTIRELY _SANE_ BOUNTY OF 500 MILLION PLACED ON THAT MADMAN'S HEAD AND NOT A _BERI_ MORE! _THIS!?"_ He stabbed his finger on the face of the enemy of his health. "I WOULDN'T PUT A BOUNTY LIKE THIS ON THE SON OF DRAGON, _AND I'M BEING GODDAMN LITERAL HERE!"_

Tsuru's eyebrows rose, and she looked back at the report she was carrying. "You're either going senile…" she mused as she drew out a piece of paper and laid it on the Fleet Admiral's desk. "Or this really _isn't_ your signature."

Sengoku snapped his gaze to the paper, peering closely at the page. He frowned contemplatively for a few moments.

After those few moments, all of the repair work that had been done to the tower was blown away as a common occurrence on the island reached an entirely new level of force and volume.

" _ **GAAAAAAAAAAAAARP!"**_

 **-o-**

Once I managed to get my little freakout under control with the aid of a hastily-provided paper bag, I stared at Robin in terrified despair. "For the love of all that's holy, _please_ tell me I'm not the most wanted man in the world. Because there's being wanted, and then there's…" The words died in my throat, and I could only gesture helplessly at the poster.

"That title still belongs to Dragon by a fair margin, Cross, don't worry," Robin was quick to reassure me. "And you're not second either. Rather, you're currently in the lower half of the top 20. There are quite a few people in the world above you."

I started to sigh in relief, but I paused as I noticed her glancing to the side hesitantly. "Robin… who is worth more than me?"

"Ah…" Robin started rubbing the back of her neck as she refused to meet my gaze. "Kaido, Charlotte Linlin, Edward Newgate…"

" _Those are Emperors!"_ I wheezed incredulously.

Robin winced at my outburst. "Ah… if you don't like that, then I imagine you won't be happy to know that Smoothie, Cracker and Jack were among those who you bumped down a rank as well."

"Dare I ask who they are?" I moaned out from beneath the hand I was using to massage my face.

"…for the sake of your sanity, I think it'd be best if I refrained from answering," Robin decided.

I tried to find some way, _any_ way to respond to that—

 _ **BWAAAAAAAAAH!**_

When Robin, I, and _everyone_ else in the room then slapped our hands to our ears as a very familiar noise suddenly bellowed out in the room. All eyes fell on an orange-bandanna'd dugong, who was currently rolling on his shell laughing.

"HAHAHAHAHA! That might have murdered my ears, but I've _always_ wanted to do that," Mikey snickered.

"WE KNOW!" the other four Dugongs roared.

"HAHAHA… heh…" Mikey simmered down, looking around at all of our glares and shrugging. "Hey, someone needed to break the mood. Besides, Cross can flip out about his…" He chuckled under his breath. " _Stupidly_ obscene bounty on his own time, I just want to see the rest of them ASAP! Agreed?"

Everyone—even _Luffy_ —hesitated.

"…Yeah."

Robin snapped her attention to me in shock. "Cross—!"

"I-It's alright," I reassured her, smiling weakly as I pulled myself together. "I am… still flipping out a bit that my head is worth what I have no doubt qualifies as a _literal_ king's _ransom…_ but I can deal with that later. For now?" I picked up the bounties I dropped and started shuffling through the names. "Let's move on and give everyone else their limelight!"

" **Yeah!"** Soundbite nodded eagerly. "PERSONALLY? _I'M HAPPY!_ **THAT'S A DOUBLE-BOUNTY!** _ **I'M THE MOST WANTED SNAIL**_ **in the world! I'm content, so** _let's get_ _ **back to it!"**_

The tense atmosphere slowly faded, and soon enough, everyone who hadn't received their bounties yet was looking at me eagerly again. Nodding to myself, I looked down at the frontmost poster. Then, for the second time that day, I did a double-take. And _then_ I smirked as a positively _evil_ idea occurred to me.

"Hey, Cottontail!"

All lingering grogginess snapped out of Su as she snarled at me. "I put up with that from the slimeball and Conis, but who the blue hell gave _you_ permission to call me that?"

"The World Government," I snickered as I held up the poster I'd spied. "Congratulations, it's your official epithet now!"

Su stiffened, her jaw dropping in shock. "I… I _actually_ have a bounty?"

"Su has a bounty?!" Conis gasped in agreement.

"Yup!" I nodded hastily, only just managing to keep my grin off my face. "Matter of fact… you're worth _2000 times_ what Chopper was!"

"Really!?" Chopper gasped, snapping into his Heavy Point and staring over my shoulder. "Let me see, let me see!"

"Same here, same here!" the fox in question squealed, clambering up onto Chopper's shoulder again and joining him in staring at the poster eagerly… before bristling furiously. "'COTTONTAIL' SU WORTH A MEASLY ฿100 _THOUSAND?! 'PET'!? I'M GOING TO CLAW SOMEBODY'S FUCKING THROAT OUT!"_

"Wait, what do you mean? Conis introduced you as her pet," I asked quizzically.

"That was when I was still a civvie, _now I'm a part of the damn crew!_ I'm not a pet, I'm the—!"

" _Bullet-monkey?"_ Soundbite chirped innocently.

"Yes!" Su jabbed her paw at the snail before stiffening as she fully registered his words. " _NO!_ I'm not the bullet-monkey, I'm the _powder_ -monkey! _Powder-fox! GRAH!"_ Su collapsed flailing onto her back as she scratched her head in outrage.

"Wait, one-hundred…" Chopper's face screwed in thought for a moment. _Then_ his eyes went blank with the utmost of outrage. " _ **WHAT ARE YOU WHINING ABOUT, YOU SNIVELLING RODENT!?**_ **I** _**WAS WORTH**_ **FIFTY!"**

"He was worth _fifty?"_ everyone else asked incredulously.

I shrugged nonchalantly, my smirk remaining fixed. "The World Government confused 'Cotton Candy Lover' Tony Tony Chopper for our crew's pet, soooo yeah."

Chopper's face split into a sickly smile, his eyes seeming to shine cyan. "' _ **Cotton. Candy Lover'… 'Pet'… hehe… heeheeheeheehee… hahahahahaHAHAHAHAAAAA!"**_ The suddenly psychopathic reindeer threw his head back and cackled malevolently. " **SOMEBODY'S HEAD IS GOING TO** _ **ROLL**_ **FOR THIS! HAHAHA—!"**

I hastily shuffled through the posters and sighed in relief with what I came up with. "Even when they're calling you the 'Spark of Genius' and valuing you at ฿66 million?"

" **HAHA—** eh?" Chopper cut himself off, snapping back to his Brain Point and leaving Su to drop to the ground with an indignant squawk.

"See for yourself!" I proclaimed, turning the poster so that he could see the side-by-side pictures of himself in both his Brain and Heavy Points, both holding scalpels and vials in their respective hooves and hands, and both with unmistakeable gleams in their eyes and grins, the former _relatively_ more adorable and the latter unmistakably menacing. Probably trying to emphasize the Jekyll and Hyde angle, if I had to guess.

Chopper shakily accepted the poster, staring at it in numb silence, before breaking out into a massive grin, stars of awe twinkling in his eyes, all while he _himself_ started dancing in place. "I have my own bounty! I have my own bounty! I bet Doctorine'll hang it up in her office, and even use it for target practice when she's bored!"

I opened my mouth to ask _why_ he would ever dare be happy about _that_. I then closed it, because such things were better left unknown, and started rifling through the posters for the next one. As I saw the shock of blue hair, I grinned and plucked it out. "OK, next we move on to our very own 'Corsair Princess', who has boosted from ฿55 million to—!" My words died in my throat as I saw the poster in full. "…oh, your poor father," I finally concluded lamely.

"POOR KOHZA _more like!"_ Soundbite cackled before cocking his head to the side thoughtfully. " _ **Actually, on second thought?**_ **HE MIGHT** _ **ENJOY**_ **this turn of** _EVENTS."_

"Oh, don't tell me those bastards actually had the balls to make _me_ a Supernova, too?" Vivi asked in equal parts dread and anger.

"No…" I hedged uncomfortably, wincing as she sighed in relief. "But they _did_ make you infamous for a whole _other_ reason, namely by playing you for a patsy again, the same way they played Nami in the story."

I handed her the poster. She took one look at it and… well, I couldn't be sure if she was trying to pale or blush. Probably both. "Meep," she squeaked fearfully.

I couldn't exactly fault her for her brain stalling like that. After all, learning that you're suddenly worth ฿80 million Only Alive is one thing… but learning that you're worth ฿80 million _and_ that your bounty picture is basically you posing like a centerfold is another entirely.

Still… hands holding her hair up behind her head, a bikini that was modest and yet at the same time generous, and all at an angle that even made her scar look good? Credit to Attachan, the man could snap a good picture if nothing else. Though unless I missed my mark?

"He said it was for charity and I just wanted to get used to my scar…" Vivi wept almost comically.

I doubted that that made things any better for the subject in question.

"Oh, you sweet summer child…" Nami sighed as she laid a comforting hand on her friend's shoulder.

"THE HELL ARE YOU PITYING ME FOR!?" said friend roared, nearly ripping Nami's hand off. "YOU FELL FOR IT TOO, AND I BET YOU DID IT PURELY FOR THE DAMN MONEY!"

"Yeah," Nami nodded slowly, not even missing a beat. "But that was in a story, and knowing, well, me, I most likely did it for the sake of getting paid upfront and with cash. In this reality, _I_ didn't get plastered over the bedroom walls of 'interested parties' the world over for _free_."

Vivi considered that for a moment…

"WAAAAAAAH!"

Before collapsing to her knees and bawling out near literal _fountains_ of tears.

"Thewe thewe, Vivi…" Carue patted her back comfortingly. "It's awight, it's awight, we'we get thwough this togethah, I pwomise!"

"Well, now."

All eyes turned to Robin as she suddenly spoke, holding the currently offending poster in one of her hands. "It would appear that there is an addendum to Princess Nefertari's bounty. Something about her being accompanied by a 'Carue the Duck', but not having a picture of him."

"RAAAAAAAGH!" the gypped princess howled as she started throttling her panicked bodyguard.

"Chopper, stop dancing and sedate her," I sighed before casting a glance at Robin. "And you. …really?"

The archaeologist cocked her head to the side with a beatific smile. "Are you saying you don't see the family resemblance?"

I had to fight to keep a bigger smile off my face as I flashed her her bounty. "Laugh it up, 'Devil Child'. You've bounced up from ฿80 million to knocking on the heaven's doors. A little more before we hit Sabaody and there really _will_ be fourteen Supernovas."

Robin cocked her eyebrow as she took in her poster. "฿99 million…" She was silent before smiling. "Well, at least they finally updated my picture. _And_ they got my good side at that. Now if only they'd be so kind as to update my _juvenile_ epithet."

"HEY!"

 _THWACK!_

"OUCH!" I hopped on my left leg when my right was suddenly the recipient of a vicious charlie-horse. "The hell—!?"

"No cutting in line!" Boss snorted as he cocked his fist back menacingly. "My boys and I should have been next, not her!"

"Actually, Boss," Robin corrected with a hum. "Seeing as I both met Luffy before you _and_ I was onboard Merry before you, I believe that to be false."

The rough-and-ready dugong paused as he considered that tidbit before shuffling about on his tail with a blush. "Ah hell, you've actually got a point! My bad, Cross. No hard feelings?"

"Why, I oughta—!" I bit out darkly before flinging the poster in question at the ungrateful sea-bull. "80 mil for the 'Bastard of the Sea', or 'Man' as they're calling you, happy!?"

"'Man of the Sea'!? HELL YES!" Boss gasped before cheering happily waving around the poster of himself shooting a thumbs-up at the photographer. Oddly enough, there was a somewhat untidy scrawl on the corner of the photo that… almost looked like—?

"Tell me you did _not_ autograph that…" I grit out irritably.

"How was I supposed to know he was Marine!?" the dugong demanded. "I thought he was just an eager fan or something, what else was I supposed to do?"

"Tsk…" I shook my head as I looked through the posters. "Well, regardless, I saw a name in here that indicates you're batting two-for— _seriously!?"_ I squawked, snapping the picture around for the little bastards to lay eyes on. "I just… really? _Really?"_

"I-I-I can explain!" Donney hastily scrambled to cover. "W-W-What you see there is an ancient, ah, d-dugong, uh… warrior—!"

"We did a group pose, alright?" Raphey interrupted shamelessly. "It was harmless fun, and it's not like you have any room to complain. Don't think I forgot about your little stunt last night for even a second."

"It's not the posing that I'm taking issue with," I ground out. "So much as the _damn pose itself!_ Where the hell did you even learn about, to reiterate, _that damn pose_ in the first place!?"

"I blame the snail!" Mikey hastily yelped.

"I too blame the snail!" Raphey concurred.

"I will also blame the snail," Leo nodded solemnly.

"I… actually," Donny cupped his chin thoughtfully. "Seeing as it _is_ his fault…" He stabbed his flipper at Soundbite. "I blame the snail as well!"

I slowly turned my glare on Soundbite. "You taught them," I bit out. "The _Ginyu Force Pose."_

Soundbite leaned in with an ear-to-ear grin. "I REGRET _nothing. Just_ _ **be glad I**_ **DIDN'T GO** _JOJO."_

I seriously debated for the next few seconds taunting him with how much _salt_ we would be using in the next arc, but in the end, I wasn't that bad. Instead, I sighed angrily, and withdrew the poster proper. "Alright, go ahead and celebrate, 'Disciples of the Sea.'"

The TDWS froze. "We… We get _Boss'_ old name as our epithet?" Leo breathed in awe.

"Apparently?" I shrugged, unsure as to what they were talking about. "But as I said, two-for-two for Boss because as the leader of your little band, _Leo,"_ I nodded at the suddenly and ironically shell-shocked dugong. "Also gets the epithet of 'Half-Shell Blade'. He's worth ฿15 million while the rest of you are worth ฿10 million apiece for a grand total of ฿45 million."

"Wah…" Leo breathed numbly. "I… Half-Shell—?! B-But that's—WOAH!" he yelped when he was suddenly foisted off his tail by Raphey and Mikey and onto their shoulders.

"Three cheers for the 'Half-Shell Blade'!" Raphey cried happily. "Hip hip!"

"HOORAY!" the Dugongs cheered as one, carrying their leader off as they kept cheering.

"Hmph, so I won…" Boss mused as he chomped on his cigar proudly. "Didn't doubt it for a second… but I'll pass on the prize. Fending off the captain is good training!"

I couldn't keep a fond smile off my face as I saw them celebrate, but I shook my head as I looked back at the few posters left in my hand. The frontmost was the next one on the agenda.

"Well, if that's the case…" I swung my arm out at our gunner. "Then I guess that 'Angel of Destruction' Conis wins the bet with a whoppingly _lucky_ ฿77 million to her name!"

"Wait, wha—?" Conis blinked numbly in shock.

"See for yourself!" I confirmed as I handed her her bounty, which had a rather impressive shot of Conis sitting in the midst of a large number of disassembled guns. "Attachan must have snapped this through the window while you were maintaining your arsenal."

"And on the subject of the bet, well… above the old of ฿55," Su clarified in a slightly melancholy tone as she hopped back onto her mistress's shoulder. "And yet _below_ the new ฿80. Congratulations, Conis, I'll defend your food with my life!… for what little it's apparently _worth,_ anyways…"

"Hey, it's better than 50!" I said cheerfully, ignoring the _very_ violent way Chopper twitched nearby.

"Uh, Cross?"

All eyes turned towards Merry, who had been silent up until then. "You still have some posters there. Is… Is one of them… mine?" she asked quietly.

"Eh…" I hedged uncomfortably as I started shuffling through the rest of the bounties I was holding. "I… dunno, Merry, all I'm seeing here is a bunch of bog-standard no-names. You only became human recently, so I don't oh what the hell," I transitioned seamlessly as I pulled up yet another bounty. "'White Menace' Going Merry, worth ฿50 million?!… sweet heck, Garp is _vindictive."_

"YE CALL IT VINDICTIVE, I CALL IT GENEROUS!" Merry threw her arms up happily. "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, MATEYS!"

I smiled as I watched her and everyone else celebrate, taking advantage of the distraction to discretely pocket the poster of one 'Cyborg' Franky, worth ฿70 million, before glancing through the rest of the posters, and frowning.

"Huh. Sorry, Lassoo, Funkfreed, but this time I'm certain: you guys _really_ aren't in here," I muttered with a frown.

The sword and gun exchanged looks before shrugging indifferently.

"Makes sense," Funkfreed snorted. "I only joined a few days ago well after the fact."

"And honestly, we're fine with that," Lassoo nodded. "After all, who ever heard of a bounty for a weapon? Nah, our fame will be from word of mouth and whispers, and that is fine by us. 'Sides…" he grinned eagerly. "Your fame is our fame, so right now, we're both worth, well… _that."_

I felt chills down my spine as I got hit with that reminder, and hastily chained it up beneath a weak chuckle. "Right… OK, so, anyways, with that all over and done with, I think I'm going to go for a walk… listen to some music…" My eye twitched furtively. "Try to keep my calm about this new _development…"_

A few of my crewmates exchanged hesitant glances, but Luffy just smiled and waved innocently. "Have fun, Cross."

I sighed in relief before walking towards the door. "I'll just be out for awhile so that I can cool off. Funkfreed, Lassoo, you two alright with staying here?"

"Hmm…" Lassoo tapped his chin as he looked up in faux-thought. "Go with you and do nothing as you walk around or stay here and catch some Zs… well, heck, boss-man, it's a _real_ doozy, but—!"

 _THWACK!_

"YIPE!" Lassoo yelped as a trunk of flesh thwapped the back of his head.

Funkfreed held a flat glare on his senior for a bit before waving his trunk at me with a smile. "We'll just stay here, you have fun!"

"If you need any anesthetics, you know who to call!" Chopper offered.

"Don't let the door knock your inflated skull on the way out," Nami sighed.

"Just… _don't_ burn down the city again, alright?" Vivi requested in a slightly slurred voice.

"Ah, c'mon, Vivi!" I turned around and spread my arms with a laugh as I walked out. "When have I ever done that twice on the same island?"

The princess laid her head on a table with a groan. "I can't believe that I'm accepting that as an answer to _any_ question…"

I turned back around with a chuckle as I shut the door, but the moment it closed behind me, my smile slid off as I power-walked away at a pace that was just under a run. For a few minutes, there was just silence as I walked.

"… _so…"_ Soundbite finally managed to start.

"Holy _shit,_ did you see that freaking number!?" I hissed frantically, forcing my voice to stay below a holler.

Soundbite's face paled to an ashen white. "SWEET HECK _I haven't ever heard of a NUMBER THAT BIG_ _ **ACTUALLY BEING USED FOR anything even remotely material!"**_

"Soooo many zeroes in a row, all on a single piece of paper, a single _number…"_ I dragged my hands down my face with a groan. "Is there even a _name_ for that kind of number!?"

" **Yes, and you don't WANT TO KNOW THE LETTER** _it starts with,"_ my snail shuddered miserably before casting a sidelong glance at me. "JUST… HOW _SCREWED_ _ **are we exactly?"**_

"Ah…" I scratched at the back of my skull frantically. "Short-term… maybe very much, maybe not at all? Depends on whether or not the user of the Hot-Hot Fruit actually exists or if I was just blowing hot air on the Rocket Man. Long-term, though…" I felt a slight pit open in my gut as images of sky-scraping trees and blood-stained chains and bubbles flashed through my mind "…there could be issues. With any luck, we'll have reinforcements once we hit the end of Paradise, but we'll still need to have people watching our backs, and you'll have to keep your, well… you know what I mean."

" _That bad,_ _ **huh?"**_ Soundbite groaned.

"Well, we _are_ worth a small…" I trailed off when I noticed my snail giving me a flat look before sighing in defeat. "Alright, an _average_ kingdom's national budget, so yeah, people are going to be after our heads. But short of getting the Government to somehow lower our bounties—"

" **Never gonna happen."**

"Or us de-escalating our rhetoric."

Soundbite snarled murderously. " **AFTER WHAT WAS IN** _ **that book and**_ _WHAT SPANDAM DID?!_ _ **SCREW THAT."**_

I shrugged in determined resignation. "Then I guess our only option is to watch our backs and not let ourselves be caught alone, simple as that."

Soundbite started to nod in agreement - before stiffening and darting his eyes at an upcoming alleyway. " _ **You mean like we are**_ _RIGHT NOW?"_

I spared a glance at the alleyway, then went back to staring dead ahead as I walked, flexing my gauntlet-clad fingers all the while. "Yeah, alright, you have a point there," I smiled tightly. "But come on, we've already been jumped twice in this city, what are the chances of us getting a hat-tri—?"

I had tempted fate enough times by now that I wasn't remotely surprised when a strong arm snapped out of the alley's shadows and dragged me in. Just as I was expecting, as evidenced by my jumping with the motion, thus catching my assailant off-guard and giving me the leeway I needed to grab them and shove them into the wall, my forearm at their throat and my Gum-Gum Pistol-charged Impact Gauntlet in their face.

"Twitch and I will _paste your skull,"_ I warned them tightly. "Get mugged once, shame on me, get mugged twice—"

"Still get mugged because your mugger knows Fishman Karate," my assailant grumbled out around my hand.

I blinked in confusion. "The heck—?" The beri dropped when said mugger's hand suddenly snapped up and grabbed my wrist. "…ah, _shi—!"_

 _THWUMP!_

"GAGH!" I gasped into the ground, pain shooting through me as I suddenly found myself flipped and slammed to the ground in a single blur, with my right arm twisted up and behind my back by a _stupidly_ iron-hard grip.

"LET HIM GO _**OR PREPARE TO**_ **MEET YOUR—** mmph!?" Soundbite's roar suddenly choked off into a wordless and _distinctly_ unpowered gurgle. I was confused for a second… but then I got a whiff of salt and I realized just what had been used to gag Soundbite.

"Sea prism stone…" I muttered under my breath before speaking up. "I call hax."

I winced as my arm was tugged, indicating that… my captor suddenly tensed? "Damn, you _are_ good. Guess I shouldn't be surprised that you know my mentor, huh?"

I blinked in confusion for all of a second. Then I recalled what little of my captor I'd seen when I was holding them, and suddenly reality hit me hard. "… _Koala?"_

No sooner did the name leave my mouth than I felt myself getting jerked up to my feet and spun around, bringing me face-to-face with the only human practitioner of Fishman Karate, who was smiling sheepishly and scratching the back of her head. "Sorry for the rough handling there, Cross," she chuckled apologetically. "But this had to be private, and getting close to you and your crew isn't exactly an easy task. Especially with the self-proclaimed 'god of noise' within arm's reach of you at all hours of the day."

"PTOOIE!" Soundbite spat out the bar of oceanic metal before scowling darkly. " **I oughta rip your eardrums OUT BY THEIR—!"** The gastropod suddenly stopped without warning, blinking in complete confusion before recoiling back. " _Uh…_ _ **what the hell is**_ _ON YOUR BACK_ **and why does it make me want to piss my shell?** BENEATH THE HOPE AND PRIDE, **I mean."**

I promptly slapped Soundbite upside his stupid shell as Koala paled and a far-off look entered her eyes. "Sorry about that, big mouth and a small brain, he doesn't know better," I apologized.

" _Just like you."_

I didn't even miss a beat in slapping him again before forging on. "Anyways, brushing past that _utterly_ inept faux-pas," I prompted, thankfully prompting Koala to shake her head with a slight shudder. "Care to tell me what business the Revolutionary Army has with me and mine?"

Koala spared an uncertain glance at Soundbite before nodding firmly. "Ah… yeah, sure. And… right now, this isn't the Revolutionary Army talking to you, it's just me. There are two things I _really_ need to do."

"Uh…" I blinked in confusion. "Al…right? I guess? What's the fir— _ooph!?"_

I was cut off by the wind being knocked out of me by Koala, one of the strongest and most influential women on the seas, outright _glomping_ me.

"Thank you…" she whispered into my chest, and I was _distinctly_ aware of a pair of wet spots suddenly appearing in my shirt. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you _so much_ for everything you said, everything you've been saying, just… _all of it._ Nobody's ever said it before, not like _that…_ before, I thought, I thought…" She shook her head. "I don't know what I thought, but now… peace. Actual _peace_ and _tolerance_ between fishmen and humans… now it feels real and possible it's all thanks to _you_ and…" She raised her head and smiled tearfully at me. "And I just… I don't think I can _ever_ thank you enough for everything you said."

Slowly, tentatively, I returned the embrace she was giving me, and smiled. "You're welcome," I managed; I wanted to say more, talk about what I knew had happened that made me speak that way, ask for her help, her involvement in what I wanted to accomplish. But honestly, I knew that that would just circle right around to a past that had no good point to touch on, so in the end it was probably best that I just move the conversation forwards.

"And… what's the second thing?" I finally asked.

Koala's expression promptly died. "This."

 _CRACK!_

I collapsed onto my back with a gurgle, my brain ringing and my jaw aching like crazy, and before the darkness took ahold of me I managed to make out _one_ last sentence.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING 'CUDDLY' YOU BIG-MOUTHED SON OF A—!?"

Hello, darkness, my old friend… I've come to talk with you again…

 **-o-**

I groaned as I _once again_ clawed my way back to consciousness. Damn, I was going under _way_ too many times in the same month… And as swiftly as I'd been KO'd, the memories that had been knocked out of my brain came rushing back, and I knocked the back of my head against whatever I was leaning against. "Yeah, shoulda seen _that_ comin'…" I muttered acridly.

The next thing I became aware of was that I was sitting on a rather hard ground, with a wall or—no, a _railing_ behind me. Willing my neurons to fire properly, I grabbed at the top of the railing and pulled myself to my feet as I cracked my eyes open, intent on discovering just where I'd been dragged off… to… oh, holy _fuck._

I'd later look back on that day as the record for how many times in _however_ long I'd been out I'd felt my damn _blood_ freeze. Because based on what my senses had gathered, I had expected us to be in some sort of hotel or something, one of many easily-overlooked locations in the island metropolis of Water 7, or even on the lip of the city's fountain.

But the sight before me immediately disproved that. I wasn't in a hotel. I wasn't even on Water 7 anymore. Hell, I wasn't even sure that I was on the _Grand freaking Line._ I wasn't anywhere that I had ever been before, but that sure as hell didn't mean I didn't recognize it in an instant.

Because, really, I'd have to be a complete idiot not to draw the connection between being knocked out by a high-ranking Revolutionary and being on a balcony looking out to a very vast, very barren and rocken, and above all else, a very _white_ desert.

"Baltigo," I breathed.

"Impossibly well-informed indeed," came a deep voice from beside me. One that I vaguely recognized; I had heard it once before, right before we left Loguetown.

I swallowed heavily as I railroaded my thoughts into order. "More like common sense. I might never have seen this place before, but it _is_ known as the Land of White Soil…" I turned to face one of the few men in the world who outranked me in terms of bounty. "And far more importantly, it's renowned as the headquarters of you and everyone who works _for_ you, Dragon the Revolutionary."

The tall man's tattoo crinkled as he smirked. "Do you mean Dragon the Revolutionary… or Monkey D. Dragon?"

I winced and scratched my cheek self-consciously. "Yeeeaaah, sorry about that. I started up the SBS because I thought it'd keep Garp from arresting us, but it turned out he'd already taken precautions and… well, it was a shitshow on… all… wait a—!" I tensed furiously as I processed just what the hell was wrong with this scene. "Alright… you listen and you listen good: you might be the greatest hero in the world and I can excuse being abducted, _barely,_ but I _will_ smack that damn familial smirk off your face if you don't tell me where the _hell_ Soundbite is, and I mean right goddamn—!"

"So, that whole 'brash and belligerent' attitude really _isn't_ an act, huh?"

" **NOPE!** _He just naturally refuses TO TAKE SHIT FROM_ ANYONE! HE COULD STAND TO **pick better** _ **hills to die on, though."**_

I spun around to catch sight of Koala casually strolling up to me, Soundbite in her palm, the smiles they were sporting indicating that they'd _somehow_ become fast friends while I was out.

"Well," I scoffed as I crossed my arms. "You've managed to get along swimmingly in what I can only _pray_ was a surprisingly short amount of time."

"Ohh, not _that_ swimmingly," she scoffed as she tossed me Soundbite, who I caught and returned to my shoulder. "I don't know _how_ you do what you do. I tried it, his weight threw my balance off something _fierce."_

"Sheer practice," I groused before shooting a glare at Soundbite. "What, no SOS to the crew once I got _cold-clocked?"_

Soundbite snickered. " _Hey,_ **you're not the only one who** _ **slept with the Sea Kings. I ONLY WOKE UP A FEW**_ MINUTES AGO. _AS FOR ME LIKING THE FIRECRACKER, WEEELL…"_ His leer took on a malevolent overtone. "LET'S JUST SAY _**she put me in contact with**_ **a few brothers-in-shell who** _gave me a LOT TO THINK ABOUT."_

"…Fair enough," I nodded, before turning back towards the island's master. "Well, before we get started, couldn't we have had this conversation back on Water 7? I mean…" I snorted as I jerked my thumb at the main bulk of the tower. "I'm half-expecting the alarms to start sounding any second now as my crew storms this place and puts your men _very_ painfully out of commission. Besides, in case you missed the memo, the island's gone Revolutionary now. Not much risk, ne?"

Dragon and Koala both chuckled. "First of all, Cross, if it were that easy for anyone to find this island, we would have packed up and left long ago," Koala said.

"And second," Dragon picked up. "I _sincerely_ doubt that my son and his friends would be here anytime soon even if he _did_ know where we were."

I cocked my eyebrow at him flatly. "So did Spandam, and you know how well _that_ turned out for him."

Dragon's ever-present grin flinched for a moment before growing wider and darker. "Oh, I'm _perfectly_ aware of how things turned out for Director Spandam. In fact, I'm tempted to _thank_ the World Government now, though I doubt they're even aware of how much their vindictiveness has benefited us."

I looked at him in puzzlement for a moment, and then my cheeks started to hurt from how much I was grinning like an absolute psychopath.

"Ohhh, _please_ tell me that they placed him _exactly_ where I expect they did."

 **-o-**

 **-Eighteen Hours Earlier-**

"So," Emporio Ivankov mused as he (at the moment) took a sip from the martini glass he was swirling. "You found him _where_ exactly?"

"In an isolated cell, far away from any Visual Snails, with a nice big sign hung around his neck reading 'fresh meat'," Inazuma replied with a sip of his (at the moment) wineglass. "At a guess, they wanted him to experience whatever unknown hell the so-called 'Demon Tug' produced, sir."

The Newkama queen took a moment to process that before a wide grin donned his face. "Hee-haw! Ben-boy!"

"Yes, oh king of queens!" the ever-shifting assassin crowed, spinning up to him.

"Swap out with one of the comms-men again and call this number," Ivankov ordered, handing him a card that Bentham briefly scanned before tossing into a nearby torch. "The 'greatest hero in the world' needs to hear about this as soon as possible."

"Be back in a jiff!" Bentham swore before darting off down the carved-out corridors.

Ivankov watched the clone-human run off before dropping his smile and glancing at the scissor-human next to him. "Ina-boy, be a darling and fetch me a new outfit, would you? I'm about to absolutely _ruin_ the one I'm in."

Inazuma fell into a deep bow. "At once, Queen Ivankov."

And with that, Inazuma spun on his heel and strode off.

Once he was gone, Ivankov turned his suddenly predatory smile onto the shivering, shackled and gagged man held within the cell he was standing before. "So, Spanda-boy," Emporio Ivankov crooned, his fingers sharpening into syringes. "Why don't you do me a favor and tell me _aaaaall_ about whatever else was in that itsy bitsy, eentsy weentsy little _black book_ of yours, hm?" He cocked his head to the side. "Juuust for starters, you know?"

 **-o-**

 **-Present Time-**

"—HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Ohohoh, now _that_ is karma if I've ever seen it!" I gasped.

"I will admit to finding the whole affair rather therapeutic myself," Dragon chuckled in agreement. "And besides my own personal feelings on the matter, the intelligence we've been acquiring has been quite beneficial to our operations."

"So many secrets…" Koala sighed wistfully. "Horrifying and nightmarish, sure, but _undeniably_ useful."

"Pfhahaha _haaaahaha…"_ I wound down into a breathless chuckle as I nodded in agreement. "Ohh, I can only imagine… still, if you don't mind, would it be alright with you guys if I exposed those secrets on my own time via the SBS?"

 _That_ got Koala blinking in confusion. "Huh? How could you pull that off? Wasn't that book destroyed?"

"Alternative sources," I smirked as I crossed my arms behind my head. "I recently recruited Spandam's old sword into my arsenal, and I fully intend to interview him at the earliest convenience."

"HE'S AN _elephant-Zoan who_ _ **never left his side,"**_ Soundbite explained gleefully.

Koala took a moment to process that before collapsing into stitches.

"Hmm," Dragon cupped his chin thoughtfully before shrugging. "Very well, then, go ahead. We're already acting on the information we've acquired, and Ivankov can pump him for all his intel faster than you'll be interviewing your sword. We should be over and done with pertinent operations by the time you divulge the information."

I clapped my hands with a contented smile. "Then we have an accord!"

The next instant, Dragon's expression shifted to stone-cold seriousness. "While we're on the subject of 'alternative sources'—"

My own expression went blank as I snapped my fingers. "Gastro-Scramble," I stated flatly, and Dragon raised an eyebrow as static filled the air. "I'm willing to tell you my secret, but fair warning? It's far beyond the madness that the Grand Line, ah, 'normally' produces."

"I see," Dragon nodded as he crossed his arms. "So, is it centered around time travel or dimensional travel?"

I cocked an eyebrow slightly. "Ooor I suppose you might be familiar with this particular situation already."

Dragon lifted his head proudly as his smirk took on a predatory gleam. "I deal with the entire world. Paradise, New World and all the Blues… individually they're impressive, but once you experience them all, nothing really fazes you anymore."

"…Not even Garp's stupidity at saying your name while saying he wasn't going to?"

Dragon's smirk twitched minutely. "Almost nothing."

I briefly toyed with the thought of bringing up four specific initials, but honestly, that was a question to which I _really_ didn't want to know the answer, so I settled for leaning against the railing with my arms crossed. "I got drop-kicked here from two dimensions to the left, where I was an avid fan of the story of how your son rose to become Pirate King _._ Said story was still ongoing, so I have gaps and I've already been causing ripples, but it's done me _some_ measure of good."

An incredulous scoff came from beside us. "Nice one, Cross. Pull the other one," Koala chuckled, waving her hand dismissively.

Dragon, meanwhile, didn't even miss a beat. "Well, let's get to business, then, shall we?"

"What, you mean you don't want even the barest hint of what's coming?" I asked, noting Koala in my peripheral vision as she alternated her gaze between the two of us, the blood draining from her face and a mix of shock and horror creeping into her expression as she finally pegged onto the fact that I was, in fact, entirely serious.

"Tsk," Dragon waved his hand dismissively. "I intend to give the world the answer I come to by my own devices, not by cheating and utilizing what fluid knowledge you have. After all…" His smirk widened to a _far_ more familiar point. "Where would be the fun in that?"

I processed that for a moment before throwing my head back with a cackle. "PFHAHAHA! Ah geeze, I don't know if you're actually Garp's son or the devil's, but you're definitely a Monkey, definitely a D, and _absolutely_ Luffy's father!"

" **I coulda told you that** _ **for free!"**_ Soundbite cackled. " _SERIOUSLY,_ _ **THE SMILE**_ ALONE! _Heeheehee_ **HOOHOO—!"**

"Alright, chit-chat time is over," I cut him off, the mirth draining from my face and causing Soundbite to sober up just as swiftly. "You still haven't answered my first question. Why am I here, because it sure as heck isn't to shoot the shit with you." I crossed my arms and shifted my stance into a more… aggressive one. "Whatever it is, I suggest we get it over with ASAP, because if I miss the christening of my crew's new ship, I'm going to be _pissed."_

Dragon and Koala snapped to serious just as swiftly, all traces of brevity evaporating instantly.

"You are here so that I may offer you a position in my army, Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite," Monkey D. Dragon announced, clearly and without a trace of hesitation.

Soundbite and I exchanged a look before I rolled my fingers for him to continue.

The original Revolutionary didn't so much as twitch as he turned away from us, staring unflinchingly over the white expanse that lay stretched out before us.

"From the very first day you started the SBS, you've been an invaluable ally to my efforts," he began. "Alabasta was not the only country that your words caused to revolt against the World Government's tyranny within the last four months, even discounting the massive spike over the course of the past four days. You've made your stance clear on where you stand, and you've proven you have the nerve to defend it to the point of death. And with the impossible knowledge that you possess, even discounting future events, you would be even more of a help by my side."

"I'm not leaving the Straw Hat Pirates," I said at once.

"And I'm not asking you to," Dragon chuckled dryly in denial. "I'm not such a fool that I imagine myself capable of breaking my son's grasp on your loyalty, or his grasp on any of your fellow crewmates. Nor am I so small-minded as to think that a man cannot effectively offer his loyalties to two flags at the same time, especially seeing as I cannot conceivably imagine a scenario where said flags would ever come in conflict with one another. Even so…"

He shot a stone-cold glance at me. "Let me be as clear as I possibly can: I'm not offering you a position as a simple member, nor even an executive. I'm offering you a partnership, to lead the Revolutionary Army alongside me, at the same rank as Sabo himself, so that we might accelerate both of our efforts to overthrow the World Government and show the world the truth."

I cocked my eyebrow. "Where _is_ Chief of Staff Sabo, by the by?"

"Anywhere not even remotely close to here," Koala answered. "Seriously, as nice as it is for the poor bastard to have his memories back, just mentioning Luffy's name is enough to get him talking everyone's ears off about his 'awesome baby brother.' And seeing one of his crewmates here?" She waved her hand with a dismissive 'tsk'. "I respect Sabo to hell and back, but he'd still be running his mouth and having you run yours if he were here, and right now we need to concentrate on business."

"That does sound like him," I admitted. "If I recall correctly, Ace always talks the Whitebeard Pirates' ears off about Luffy whenever he comes up, too. Even other D.s aren't immune to him." Pulling my train of thought back on the tracks, I looked back at Dragon. "What exactly would this… _relationship_ you're proposing entail?"

"Simple enough matters for the time being," Dragon waved his hand casually. "Facilitating global communications, some management here and there, as well as an exchange of contacts and whatever other informants I don't doubt you've managed to acquire over the course of your, frankly, rather esteemed career. Rest assured, we shall freely respond in turn. I suppose that the best way to describe it all…"

He turned to me and donned his familial ear-to-ear grin, holding his hand out to me.

"You would be our partner," Dragon concluded. "In Revolution."

For the longest time, I just… _stared_ at Dragon's hand, the weight of that gesture plainly visible, considering all the possibilities and all the implications that would arise from accepting it. All the advantages aligning myself with him would grant me, all the tools that would be at my disposal.

And it was with those things in mind that I slowly reached my hand out to his, and slapped it before drawing my hand back.

"Sorry to inform you, Dragon," I shrugged with honest regret. "But you're four months late and a heck of a lot of initiative short. I'm afraid that I've already got plans of my own."

Koala and Soundbite's jaws dropped, but Dragon's expression was impassive. "You would still be perfectly able to continue the operations you already have going," he assured me. "I don't doubt for an instant that you're doing good work."

I nodded my head to the side, grimacing. "Eh, we're still kind of in the 'digging our roots' stage of matters, but I appreciate the sentiment, and I feel the same way towards you, but that's not why I'm saying no. I'm saying no because when I think of joining forces with you, I can't get King Nefertari out of my head."

"Cross, King Nefertari Cobra is alive and well, we've been offering his kingdom every measure of assistance we can—!" Koala started with no small amount of desperation.

"I'm glad to hear Cobra is doing well," I cut her off with a raised hand. "But I'm not talking about Vivi's father. I'm talking about her great great _however_ many greats _grand-_ father."

Dragon raised an eyebrow. "Explain."

"It's simple: Anywhere from nine to eight hundred years ago, King—or _Queen_ Nefertari, I suppose, joined their forces with an alliance to overthrow what I can only assume was a world-spanning empire or kingdom or what have you, and when they succeeded that alliance rose to take the original empire's place. Fast forward to today, and we witness the first traces of history repeating itself."

T _hat_ caused a reaction, Koala's face flushing with rage as she took a menacing step forwards. "Are you accusing us," she hissed darkly. "Of wanting to overthrow the World Government just so we can _take its place?"_

Dragon made to turn to face her, but I beat him to it with a dismissive scoff. "Don't be an idiot, Koala, that's not even close to what I'm saying and I'm not accusing anyone of spit. What I'm _saying_ is that, regardless of what any of us desire, we're all still _mortal._ One day, we're gonna die, and provided we've actually managed to come out on top by the time we do, other people are gonna take our places in running the world. And who knows!" I said cheerfully. "Maybe _they'll_ be as righteous and morally firm as us! And maybe the people after them, and the people after them!"

I slowly let my expression drop into a scowl. "But not forever. _Never_ forever. Absolute power is the worst poison in the world, Koala, as you well know from fighting it every single day. It's not a matter of desire that could result in the Revolutionaries replacing the World Government in every way, but _inevitability._ It's a matter of the fallibility of humanity. After all, at the end of the day, 'revolution' means to go round in a circle."

Koala's rage broke in favor of confusion, many contradictory thoughts obviously running through her head.

"You raise a fair point, Jeremiah Cross."

And then she snapped her head around at her superior, shock clearly written on her face. "S-Sir, what are you—?!"

"Enough, Koala," Dragon silenced her with a raised hand, his expression shadowed. "I've long since accepted what Cross has outlined as being an all-too-real possibility, and I've long since put in place contingencies in case such an eventuality comes to pass. Cross has done nothing more than… state the facts."

While Koala slowly paled and clamped a shivering hand over her mouth, Dragon returned his suddenly far harder gaze to me. "But even in spite of this inevitability," he continued. "The fact remains that our goals and enemies are the same, and that neither you and yours nor even me and mine are powerful enough to face the monolith that crushes us all alone. If you have an arrangement you'd prefer, I'd very much like to hear it."

I took a moment to properly word my thoughts before responding. "I assume you're familiar with the saying 'trust, but verify'."

"Of course," Dragon responded.

"I propose something similar to it," I said, raising my hands with the index fingers held apart. "Hand in hand, but not conjoined. Together, but separate. An allegiance, but no single flag. You walk your path to the truth and we'll walk ours, and so long as you don't step on our toes we won't step on yours, and heck! We might even offer one another a gesture of good faith from time to time…"

I folded my hands behind my back as I looked Dragon in the eyes. "But our respective draws will remain separate, and if a merger comes then it will be many years in the future, once the shadows of the World Government aren't quite so dark. And…" I waved my hand casually with a resigned smile. "Think of it this way: if one of us is ever forced to fold, then at least the other will still be in a position to pick up their chips and keep playing."

As I finished, Koala had a somewhat thoughtful frown on her face, while Dragon simply stared at me. Eventually, however, a rueful grin crossed his face.

"I would prefer you deeper in the fold than that…" he sighed wistfully. "And I'm honestly surprised given your new bounty that you're not accepting it, but I suppose I'll just take what I can get."

I shrugged carelessly. "Hey, why the hell should I be concerned about that waste of ink and paper. After all…" I let a predatory grin slide across my face. "If they want me? They'll need to get through my crew first."

"I dunno," Koala drawled, swaying on her feet as she crossed her arms behind her head. "I gotcha pretty easily."

" **You do not count,"** Soundbite snickered with a smirk. "YOU ARE WHAT _**we refer to as**_ _NEW WORLD BULLSHIT."_

Koala raised her finger before dropping it and shutting her mouth with a hiss. "That… you know what? I don't have a good response to that. But still—"

"If," Dragon cut in, shooting a simultaneously dry and bemused look at his subordinate. "I may continue?"

The Martial-Arts mistress slapped her hands over her mouth with a squeak and a blush.

The Revolutionary continued to observe her for a moment before slowly redirecting his smile at me and extending his hand. "So… _allies_ in Revolution, then."

I smiled broadly, and removed my right gauntlet before clasping his hand with both of mine. "Allies to the bitter end." I quirked a corner of my mouth up. "At least until you start dragging us down and we cut you loose like a rusty anchor."

Dragon barked out a laugh as he drew his hand back. "The same to you, then. I'll exchange contact numbers with Soundbite and contact you should I ever require your aid, and I expect you to do the same."

I nodded in agreement as I slipped my gauntlet back on. "You can damn well count on it. It was nice meeting you, Dragon. An… enlightening experience, if nothing else."

The Revolutionary smiled, then turned and began heading back into the command center. "Koala will prepare you for your return to Water 7. You'll be back with your crew before you know it."

The man was halfway to the building when he paused, and glanced at me over his shoulder. "Actually… one last thing. If you don't mind indulging an idealist's curiosity… who were you before you came here? By your demeanor and age I'm guessing a student, but as for your major… political science? Business? Philosophy, perhaps?"

I blinked at him in shock for a brief moment before grinning from ear to ear. "Smart man, if an inch or two off the mark. Student yes, politics no. Honestly, what more can I say—!" I spread my arms in gleeful surrender. "Than that I love a good story!"

Dragon blinked in surprise.

"SHISHISHISHISHI!"

Then he threw his head back and roared his laughter to the high heavens. "An artist of the written word!" he cackled jubilantly. "Honestly now, I don't know _what_ I was expecting, I really don't! Heheheh…" Dragon chuckled as he waved over his shoulder as he kept walking away. "I wish you the best of luck, Jeremiah Cross. Now, Koala, if you could—"

"Ah, wait wait wait, one last thing!" I hastily interjected, looking back at Koala, and making my tone as gentle as possible. "One last thing, a personal matter… Hachi. If you're interested and my memory is correct, he should have his dream Takoyaki bar up and running on the surface, not far from the waters of Sabaody Archipelago and Fishman Island. Ask around for the Flying Fish Riders, they share those waters too, they should know where he is if no one else does."

Koala's gaze grew far off again, but that only lasted for a minute before a small smile came over her face. "Thank you, Cross, I'll remember that for once I have some more vacation time. Now, if there's nothing else, I'll get you ready for traveling back to Water 7."

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, nothing else springs to mind. So, how—"

 _THWACK!_

"THAT'S FOR GETTING ME AN ASSIGNMENT IN THE SOUTH-SUCKING-POLE YOU GODDAMN—!"

The last thing I heard before everything went black (besides the vigorous lambasting) was a chorus of snickering.

 **-o-**

The next thing I knew after that little… event?

 _ **BWAAAAAAAAAH!**_

My eardrums screaming bloody murder at me while something _else_ blared even _bloodier_ murder at me.

"GAAAARGH!" I hollered, shooting up in my bed with my hands clamping over my ears. "FRACKING HELL, WHO THE HECK DO I LOOK LIKE, _SPONGEBOB,_ DAMN IT!?"

"Personally, I'd just say you look like a plain old dope!"

A familiar voice cut through the haze of my rage and wakefulness, and after blinking a few times to clear my vision, I was met with an even more familiar face perched upon my transceiver on the bedside table beside me.

"Tseeheeheeheehee! I've been wanting to do that for the longest time," Su giggled as she impishly covered her muzzle with her paw.

"WE KNOW!" Soundbite bellowed in a medley of voices as he snapped his eyestalks out of his shell, before fully emerging in shock. " _Wait,_ _ **cottontail?**_ **We're back in—** _ **HUH?"**_

As my ears stopped ringing, I realized what Soundbite was saying, taking in the familiar sight of our temporary lodgings while we waited for the construction of the Thousand Sunny to finish… and begin, for that matter. Everyone was behaving perfectly normally, though some of them were making their way over to me.

"So, Cross, feeling any better about your bounty?" Chopper asked.

"Ahhh…" I hedged uncomfortably, trying to successfully get my mind on track. "Y-Yeah, I think I've gotten over it for now… just as long as—"

"And that's where it would be a good idea to _shut up,_ if you're about to mention some 'hypothetical' worst-case scenario," Sanji cut in.

"Eheh… point taken," I said, rubbing the back of my head. "So, how much have I missed?"

To my surprise, everyone just shrugged casually. "Getting more used to our bounties, but besides that, just the usual. What did you expect, you were only gone for a couple of hours before we noticed you sleeping it off," Su quipped.

I could _feel_ the blood draining from my face as Su's words sunk in. Hours… mere _hours…_

"Cross? Cross! What's wrong?! Should I call a doctor?!" Chopper panicked.

"Spirited away and spirited back in a matter of _hours,"_ I whispered numbly, collapsing back against my bed's headboard as I processed the implications. Upon reaching a conclusion, I directed my terrified gaze at Soundbite, whose own expression indicated he'd reached the exact same conclusion. "…Dragon is scary," I breathed, cold sweat coming down my head.

" _ **Agreed,"**_ Soundbite whimpered.

"…Cross, did you just say what I think you just said?" Vivi asked, turning to look at me, her gaze pleading.

I managed a weak smile. "We're sort of officially allies now. Oh, and good news, your father is doing well."

"…What in Ammit's name kind of resources do the Revolutionaries have at their disposal?" the princess mumbled, sinking down beside Carue as her knees failed her.

I shuddered fearfully. "Follow my example: I dunno, and I don't _wanna_ know."

Vivi, along with most everyone else in the room, nodded in acceptance, though none with nearly as much desperation as her.

I was _about_ to allow myself to relax when Soundbite perked up. " **Frantic** _ **FRANKY FAMILY**_ _foreman_ _ **forthcoming**_ _,"_ he announced.

"Nice alliteration," I noted.

"HEH, THANKS, _I've been practi—!"_

 _SLAM!_

"STRAW HATS!"

Zambai's door slam cut Soundbite off, also serving to draw attention to him as he fell on all fours.

"Zambai?" Usopp blinked at the man in confusion. "What's wrong, is Franky alright?"

I kept my expression carefully neutral as I waited for Zambai to get his breath back…

"Ah…" Zambai hesitated slightly as he recovered and glanced to the side nervously. "Nah… nah he's fine, I just… just wanted to tell ya that he's started working on… your new ship and—!"

"Bull-shit~!" I sang tauntingly.

"GAH, ALRIGHT, YA DAMN KNOW-IT-ALL!" Zambai snapped his head up with a furious roar. "I'M HERE ON BEHALF OF THE FRANKY FAMILY TO ASK YOU TO TAKE OUR BOSS, OUR BIG BRO, 'CYBORG' FRANKY, ON YOUR CREW AS YOUR SHIPWRIGHT! HAPPY!?"

"Very," I smirked proudly as I folded my arms behind my head.

Meanwhile, the rest of our crew was a bit less, shall we say, _dignified_ in their responses?

"HUH?!" chorused half of them incredulously.

"Not again…" was the general sentiment of the rest.

That half then proceeded to either _look_ or _glare_ at me.

"Oi!" I yelped, snapping my hands up indignantly. "Don't look at me like that, I have exactly _spit_ to do with this, and I couldn't have stopped it even if I wanted to!"

Thankfully, that swapped out some of the heat on me in favor of confusion, and Nami even went so far as to snap her gaze back to Zambai. "What the heck are you talking about?"

Zambai took a second to finish getting his breath back before giving us all a look that was equal parts desperate and determined. "Listen, in case you didn't notice, the rest of us who were with you, my bros and sisters, and the Galley-La guys? None of us got bounties like you did. The World Government ignored us thanks to our names and voices not actually being broadcast on the SBS." He shook his head miserably as he withdrew a sheet of paper from his back pocket and held it up for us all to see. "But not all of us got out unmarked."

Everyone took one look at the poster before gaping in awe or wincing sympathetically.

"฿70 million?" Vivi hissed. "That's not good…"

"Oooh trust me, it could be worse," Nami muttered acridly.

" _Way_ worse," Sanji sourly concurred.

"Worse than you can _possibly_ imagine," I finished.

"I don't know, I can—"

" **YOU ALREADY** _ **used**_ _that gag!"_

"Heh, sorry, you should hear the crowd on open-mic night…" Zambai chuckled sheepishly, scratching his head sheepishly. "But seriously, I'm begging you, on behalf of the entire Franky Family, to take our big bro out to sea with you. It's the only chance he's got!"

There was a pause as everyone considered what he was saying.

"Why are you even making such a big deal out of this?" Zoro finally said, prompting everyone to stare incredulously at him.

"Zoro, _what the actual—?_ " Vivi demanded.

"Have you guys already forgotten that Iceburg cut ties with the World Government? Why do you think he'd be safer with one of the most famous pirate crews in the world than on a massive island where Government employees are the criminals?"

"…I hate to admit it, but that's actually a good point," I admitted, frowning at Zambai. "I mean, we'd be glad to have him along, sure, but with the entire island in that much danger already, why are you still so desperate?"

"Are you—!" Zambai started before cutting himself off with a groan. "Right, one of you isn't local, the other's an idiot."

"Hey, Cross isn't _that_ dumb," Zoro snorted. _My_ response to that was to grab my hand before it could try and _strangle_ him.

"Look," the dismantler continued with strained patience. "The thing you gotta know is that one of the _first_ things the World Government does when a nation cuts ties and goes Revolutionary is to _blockade_ them. Granted, the Sea Train will give us some leeway there, and the world should be pretty damn strained from Enies Lobby's fallout, but the fact is that once they get their shit together, it's gonna be a damn nightmare to get off and away from this island if you're a civilian. But _wanted?"_ He shook his head desperately. "Forget it. Franky'll never leave Water 7 again, he'll never go out on another ship again, he'll never have a shot at seeing his dream, his _real_ dream, come true with his own two eyes! Which means… which means…"

The former thug choked out a sob as he fell to his knees, eyes scrunched shut as his emotions finally overwhelmed him. "So, please!" he cried out miserably. "Please take Franky with you! On behalf of the entire Franky Family, I am _begging_ you—!"

"Ehhh?" Luffy droned dully, his tone nasally on account of the pinkie digging for gold up his nose. "What are you, stupid or something? Franky's already our crewmate."

 _That_ little announcement left the rest of us stunned in its wake, myself included.

"Uh… what are you talking about?" Zambai asked, sounding confused. "I never heard or saw you talk to Franky about anything like that, when—!?"

"Eh, I didn't talk to him about anything," Luffy replied, pulling out his finger and examining. "I just decided that he'd be our shipwright, sooo he's our shipwright. He just doesn't know it yet."

There was an instant of silence before we all groaned collectively, our voices filled with both exasperation, and fondness.

"Uhhh…" Zambai drew out hesitantly. "I… don't think that's how it works?"

"Ohhh, yes it is," Zoro chuckled. "Once Luffy makes up his mind that you're part of the crew, you're part of the crew."

"He doesn't take 'no' for an answer," Nami picked up, smiling fondly at the memory.

"And he can be a real pain in the ass if you still try refusing," Sanji concluded with a mix of a grin and a grimace.

Funkfreed raised his trunk. "Aaaaam I missing something here?"

"Let me clarify, my good pachyderm," I volunteered. "Everyone who Luffy recruited before I started the SBS, Soundbite and myself included, joined due to a mixture of Luffy's persistence, strength, and charisma, with a healthy dose of blackmail here and there for good measure."

"B-B-Blackmail?" Conis squeaked in shock.

"He held my swords ransom," Zoro said blandly.

"He threatened to make _me_ kill _him,"_ Nami spat acridly.

"He—!" Usopp started before hesitating and scratching his head sheepishly. "Actually, he didn't do anything to me, he just offered…"

"He nearly destroyed the Baratie," Sanji grimaced. "Both from within _and_ without."

"HE KNOCKED US _out of a_ _ **two-story TREE!"**_ Soundbite barked.

"He wouldn't stop chasing me all over the damn castle…" Chopper moaned.

"The first time I saw him, he knocked me _senseless…"_ Vivi grumbled, rubbing her head.

"Awww, you guys're making me blush!" Luffy laughed, folding his hands behind his head with an ear-to-ear grin.

"WE'RE NOT COMPLIMENTING YOU, JACKASS!" we all roared indignantly.

"And yet!" I added with a teasing grin. "It's not as though we'd rather be anywhere _else_ , eh?"

Suddenly, everyone was a _lot_ less willing to speak, far too occupied with averting their gazes and coughing uncomfortably.

"…W-Well… in that case, thanks a lot, Straw Hat. We owe you one," Zambai said with a sincere grin. Though the fact that he wasn't on his hands and knees spoke volumes about how bemused he was by what he had just heard.

" _And we'll_ **collect,"** Soundbite remarked.

Zambai nodded in concession. "Yeah, yeah… alright, anything in particular we can do right now, then?"

I was _about_ to dismiss him, before grinning as a thought struck me.

"Oh, no," Usopp groaned. "That smile never means anything good."

"I'm sorry I asked…" Zambai moaned, slapping a hand to his face.

"No, it does not, and yes, you should be," I chuckled malevolently. "For you see… there's a little something you oughta know about 'Cyborg' Franky: His grip on this island is iron-hard, so if we're gonna get him off this rock, we're gonna need subtlety, finesse, an intricate plan…" My grin went from ear to ear as I clasped my hands. "And his speedo."

Nothing short of thunderstruck silence.

"…Pwease teww me I heawd dat wong…" Carue pleaded.

I maintained my grin as I slammed my hands on the room's table. "Gather round, boys and girls, because we're planning us a man-panty raid!"

"HELL YES!" Raphey shot her fists up ecstatically. She then looked around in confusion as everyone stared at her. "What? I'm just happy that for _once,_ the wardrobe malfunction is on the other side of the chromosomes. Am I _really_ alone in this?"

After a few moments, all males in the room shuddered as a wave of what could only be described as pure _vindication_ swept over us.

As soon as it passed, I was back to grinning, if somewhat more shakily than before. "So!" I yelped only semi-desperately. "Who wants in on planning out Operation 'Running of the Pervert'?"

My smile became more honest at the affirmatives I got, before said smile snapped off my face faster than a gunshot as I noticed something missing from the chorus. "…Guys? Has anyone seen where Merry went?"

Thankfully for my nerves, Usopp was quick to wave his hand. "Oh, Merry practiced a lot and decided that she was strong enough to go out for a walk. She left about an hour ago."

I myself was content to heave a sigh of relief, but my partner in anarchy, on the other hand…

"IS THAT REALLY _**the best of ideas?"**_ Soundbite asked uncertainly. " **I mean, we went** _ **out for a walk too,**_ **AND LONG-STORY SHORT,** _WE WOUND UP IN_ _ **admittedly not-so-**_ _DEEP_ **but still deeply disturbing** _CACA!"_

"Yeeeaaah," Mikey drawled as he made a show of inspecting his flipper. "But consider this: whereas _you_ can barely handle lifting over a hundred pounds, _Merry,_ even hurt and injured, can easily lift _you."_

Soundbite and I took a moment to consider that before nodding in agreement. "Alright, withdrawn," I conceded.

"But, ah," Funkfreed raised his trunk swiftly. "If it helps, I heard her say something on her way out."

The elephant-sword then shifted to rubbing his chin. "Not sure how much help it'll be, though… I mean, how could an East Blue caravel have family in the dead center of Paradise?"

 **-o-**

"Yes," Iceburg nodded confidently. "Truly a splendid sun."

"IT'S NOT A SUN, YOU BLIND MORON!" Franky roared indignantly, his hackles raised to the maximum.

"Okay, okay, geez!" Iceburg said, raising his hands in surrender. "It's not a sun! Got it!"

Grumbling heatedly, the crime-boss of Water 7 went back to his work. For all that Galley-La purported itself to be filled with Water 7's best and brightest, they could be _stupidly_ thick. First a sunflower, now a sun!? Honestly, how could _anyone_ mistake the proud figurehead of the Straw Hat Pirates' next ship for anything but—!

"What are you all, blind or something? It's _obvious_ that he's a lion!"

"EXACTLY!" Franky laughed gratefully. "Thanks, Merry, I can't believe that—wait, _what?"_ the cyborg cut himself off as he and the other shipwrights spun around to behold the living proof of the Straw Hats' impossible capabilities.

And indeed, there stood said proof herself, looking notably healthier than the last time they had seen her, particularly the fact that she was supporting herself on only a single crutch.

But for all that Franky and the Galley-La workers were staring at her, Going Merry wasn't even looking at a single one of them and was instead staring past them.

"What are you thanking me for?" she asked softly, hobbling through the men and approaching the large yellow figurehead of her successor. "I meant what I said: it's _obvious_ what he is. I mean…" She cocked her head to the side slightly. "I suppose I can get _some_ of the confusion; even now, so young, he's… well, he's _radiant_ , but I honestly don't see how he could be mistaken for anything but what he is."

Iceburg blinked repeatedly as he attempted to parse the new arrival's words. "Merry? What are you doing here?"

The self-labeled ship-girl (girl-ship just didn't hit the ear even remotely right) jerked slightly at the interruption, grinning sheepishly (the irony was not lost on her) at the Galley-La owner. "Right, forgot about you guys… sorry for barging in here like this, I just wanted to see my big bro when I heard he was strong enough, you know?"

Iceburg and Franky exchanged looks before the metal-man raised his hand. "Ah… Merry? I dunno if you forgot or something, but I've been alright for awhile now."

"Heh, not you-big-bro," Merry said, hiding a giggle behind her fist before pointing her finger behind herself. "I mean _him-_ big-bro!"

The shipwrights all followed her finger, and then, one and all, they stiffened in realization as they followed her finger to the lion figurehead.

"Wait, here to see your bi—!" Paulie said incredulously. "Y-You mean… you're talking about… Merry, can you actually _talk_ to—! To—?"

"Uh… of course?" Merry tilted her head in honest confusion. "Why _wouldn't_ I be able to? I mean… I might be human _now,_ but I _am_ still a ship, remember? _Of course_ I can talk to my own kind."

For a few moments, the shipwrights just stood speechless. Franky was the first one to get past his surprise. At least, for the first matter. "But… wait, even if you can talk to ships, how… how can you talk to this one!? I mean…" He gestured at the figurehead and the scrap surrounding them all. "It's not built yet! Heck, it doesn't even have a _name!"_

Merry jerked her head back with an even _more_ confused look. "Uhh… what are you talking about? This is just his body, not _him._ Our keels are our spines, our crews are our hearts, but our souls? Our minds, _us?_ We're born when we're conceived in the minds of our makers. Sure, we're wispy and ethereal while we're still in there, but the more solid the idea is, preferably as it's drawn onto blueprints, we become more and more concrete!" Her expression slowly morphed into one of extreme fondness. "This big guy's been waiting to stretch his paws for three long years…"

Franky seemed awestruck at Merry's words, though oddly, with about as much composure as Iceburg had.

"HEY!" Tilestone suddenly roared. "SORRY FOR INTERRUPTING, BUT HOW COME YOU KEEP CALLING IT A 'HE'? I KNOW THAT SHIPS CAN BE BOTH BOYS AND GIRLS, BUT ISN'T IT A BIT EARLY TO TELL?"

"Hm… well, while we're asking questions…" Lulu mused as he idly patted his unruly horn of hair down, only causing it to grow on ("AH C'MON, LU!") Paulie's cigar. "May I ask why you're referring to this essentially newborn ship as your 'big' brother? You're older by a fair amount, even if we were to count the day you ate the fruit as your birth."

"Ah…" Merry swapped her gaze between the two before pointing at Lulu. "Well, starting with you, it _should_ be pretty obvious even to you, no?" She waved her hand at the ship's figurehead. "I mean… look at him! Ah…" She flinched with a sheepish smile. "His… _actual_ body, I mean. I just… his figurehead alone…" Merry slowly shuffled around so that she was facing the start of her brother in full, eyes full of awe. "He's… He's going to be big. Bigger than me. Bigger than anything out of the East Blue, bigger than Old Mans Dicky and Jackson. Why the hell _wouldn't_ I call him my big bro? He's gonna be the biggest in the whole wide ocean!"

And then, Merry's entire being seemed to light up with energy as she stared ahead in excitement. "And Tilestone… there's no mistaking him for anything _but_ a he. H-He's just so… So _big,_ so _proud_ and confident and…!" Merry raised a hand to rest it on the figurehead's mane…

 _ **ROOOOAAAAAR!**_

All the shipwrights jumped in shock when a gust of wind suddenly blew through Scrap Island, causing the stray bits and ends of junk in the scrapyard to shift and let loose a noise that sounded… not unlike a roar.

In stark contrast to the grown men around her, Merry's only reaction was to let out a laugh, a joy-filled laugh that was accompanied with tears of pure elation shimmering in her eyes.

"And he's so _eager!"_ Merry breathed in wonder. "I mean, just _listen_ to him! He doesn't want to be kept here, in pieces and immobile, he wants to be out _there!"_ She swept her arm out at the sea. "Out challenging the waves to fight, out fighting the currents for domination every second of his existence, out running so fast that not even the winds can outpace him! He's… He's…"

Merry spun around to stare at Franky, nothing short of pure adoration in her eyes. "He's going to be a King," she whispered. "Franky, you've made a _King._ When you let him loose on the oceans, he's going to go out there and do what he was made to do, _born_ to do, and that's _rule._ He's going to rule each and every last inch of the oceans because he _knows_ he can do it."

She slowly turned her gaze upward, a dreamy smile on her face as she swayed back and forth on her heels. "It's only right that he join our crew the second he's born, no? After all, who else could possibly be worthier of bearing the King of the Pirates to his throne than the rightful King of the Seas himself?"

The two greatest shipwrights in the world and their three best understudies merely stared up at the lion's figurehead, starting to grasp the magnitude of what they were about to do. This was now more than giving their saviors the only reward good enough for them. The ship they were about to build would be the most momentous creation of the island since Pluton, since the Oro Jackson itself.

This ship would be their… no, this ship would be the legacy of the entire island of Water 7.

And that meant…

"…say, Merry," Franky mused, cradling his chin thoughtfully. "How long do you think you can stay here?" He slowly let a devious grin slide onto his face. "I'd like to bounce one or twenty ideas off of you and your big bro, so that I can make his body just that much more _SUPER._ Whaddaya say, Little Sis Merry?"

Merry matched his smile tooth for tooth. "I say bring it right the hell on, Big Bro Franky,"

Judging by the way Scrap Island roared anew, the nascent ship of the Straw Hat Pirates was in _complete_ agreement.

 **-o-**

The next two days were essentially business as usual for the Straw Hat Pirates, which included our typical antics (ten explosions from Chopper's experiments, three prank wars, each instigated by but not participated in by Robin, and _at least_ one collapsed building a day whenever Boss got _serious_ about training his boys, thankfully only from the abandoned collection in the lower island), assorted instances of either gloating or sulking over respective bounties (both, in my and Soundbite's cases), and scattered bits and pieces of training and brainstorming here and there.

In my spare time, I also managed to catch a few hints of the local filler episodes, which included Sanji bringing back a few hefty bags of salt to our HQ (much to Soundbite's _ear-shattering_ terror), a few _choice_ blackmail photos of Zoro hauling a trio of anklebiters around, and the Union holding what appeared to be a candlelit vigil for those of their number that hadn't managed to survive the Aqua Laguna.

But amidst all of it, the good times and the bad, whether causing mayhem or the victim of it or even simply relaxing, one universal emotion among the crew was hype for what the new ship would be like. Hell, even _I_ was excited about it; after all, apart from the massive difference between the story and the reality and me being eager to meet, well… _whoever_ our ship would be, Merry herself had assured me that she'd been personally helping Franky revamp his original blueprints. As a result, not even _I_ knew what was coming, and for once, rather than dreading the unknown, I positively _relished_ it.

Still, amidst the familiar, there were also a couple of noteworthy, significantly out-of-the-ordinary occurrences as well. For example, the upgrading of Funkfreed. The blade-Zoan had begged off incorporating a Thunder Dial or poison into his body, deeming both ideas far too uncomfortable, but we soon managed to come to an accord. Namely, an offhand comment from Nami about how she was using her Clima-Tact led to us commandeering a Water Dial from Conis' massive arsenal and one of the spare Jet Dials to come up with a _brilliant_ (if I do say so myself) innovation for the zombies of Thriller Bark once we reached them.

Another pleasing development was when we got a call from Dorry and Broggy, upon which we confirmed that the Marines that had arrived for them were indeed trustworthy. Since Hina herself had accompanied them to confirm, I took the chance to ask her to let the giants in on the full secret, so that even after she rejoined her main fleet at the Capes, they'd at least have a toe in the water in preparation for our little 'business meeting'.

But still, for all that the relative monotony was nice, it was eventually broken wide open by our next big occurrence… well, _occuring_ on the evening of the fifth day since the destruction of Enies Lobby. And it all started… with a royal flush in a game of poker I was involved in.

 **-o-**

" **YOU HAVE GOT TO BE** _ **SCREWING ME!"**_

Or rather, that _Soundbite_ was involved in while I handled all his cards for him. What, you really thought that _I_ would be caught dead playing poker when I was already up to my non-existent _halo_ in debt with Nami? I'm seven flavors of crazy, but I sure as hell ain't… _that_ stupid.

Soundbite, however, absolutely _was_ that stupid and was attempting to throw down with Robin, Boss, Chopper and Zoro. Or, in other words, the four absolute _worst_ people for anyone to go up against in a poker game, as evidenced by Chopper laying down a nice line of royalty on the table before us.

"I think I won this one," the reindeer said with a joyful grin. "A royal flush! That's the best hand, right?"

"Almost, Chopper," Boss chuckled eagerly. "A royal flush is better than any other hand, but the diamonds are the weakest suit. Meaning…" Boss lowered his flippers, revealing _another_ series running from the 10 to the Ace. "That a royal flush in _clubs_ makes me the winner."

" _BULL-_ SHIT!"

"Now, now, Boss," Robin purred. "The clubs are only one rank higher. A royal flush in hearts would be stronger still, and a royal flush in _spades…"_ She spread her hand out, displaying her cards for all to see. "Is the absolute best you can get. So, as they say in East Blue City, read them and weep."

"Ooooh…" I winced sympathetically.

" _ **FOR THE LOVE**_ _of escar-FUCKING-_ **GO!"**

"Same to you, Robin," Zoro chuckled, revealing his own hand— _which was another freaking royal flush—IN SPADES?!_

" **OKAY,** _ **that's where I CALL ACTUAL**_ BULLSHIT!" Soundbite fumed. " _YOU ASSHATS ARE ALL_ _ **CHEATING!"**_

All four of them gave Soundbite looks like he'd just sprouted legs and started dancing the can-can. "Uh, _duh?"_ Boss questioned incredulously. "What, you never played poker before or something?"

Soundbite and I slowly exchanged looks before the gastropod narrowed his eyes at the marine mammal. " _Explain."_

"It's quite simple, really," Robin smiled innocently as a quartet of arms sprouted from her shoulders and started flipping cards amongst themselves. "As pirates are all merciless, utterly lawless criminals, it's become a tradition in the game of poker and most other card games that the participants all cheat to the best of their ability, with punishment only ever occurring should someone be able to catch them in the act. I believe that my own experience in the fine arts of swindling should be self-evident."

"I made a decent amount of money in my bounty hunting days this way," Zoro said. "And it helps train dexterity."

"A few pirates of that sort clashed with the Dugong tribe once or twice, we learned how to play and… well, you know how we are about competing," Boss shrugged.

"I just followed their examples. Did you really not notice?" Chopper asked, and I couldn't be sure if the innocence in his tone was genuine or not.

Soundbite's eyestalks twitched murderously, and I reached for my headphones in case he decided to get loud—

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ OF ALL THE _**freaking**_ **times!"**

And lowered them as he began ringing, looking at the others at the table. "Hang on a sec, guys. If this is what I think it is, we'll need to cut the game short."

"Tsk," Boss snorted as he started re-shuffling the deck. "And just when I was actually starting to turn a profit on you suckers."

"Yeah, yeah, bloodsucker," I waved the martial-artist off as I dug through my bag. A glance at my transceiver's display confirmed that the call was from who I expected it to be from, thus prompting me to start thinking. "Alright, let's see… ah, I've got one." I snapped my fingers with a malicious grin before picking up. "Rain Dinners casino, Mr. Deep-6 speaking. How may I help you?"

"… _I think I preferred the ones that_ weren't _real,"_ Tashigi sighed. " _Never mind that. Cross, our assignment is over, and we've contacted everyone else. The meeting starts in fifteen minutes. Are you ready for this?"_

I blinked, and took a minute to remember the locations of my other confidants before nodding. "Yeah, that should be enough time to gather everyone and relocate to somewhere more… appropriate." I smiled casually. "Anyone I should be aware of on your end besides Tsuru?"

" _No, she's the only—"_ Tashigi cut herself off with an abrupt scowl. "… _damn it, how do you_ do _that?!"_

"Hey, it's not like it was hard to figure out…" I glanced to the side with a smirk. "Or that you're hard to trick…"

" _Kindly bend over and_ kiss my— _KA-LICK!"_

"Eesh, even _I'm_ actually starting to feel sorry for her at this point," Zoro muttered as he got to his feet.

" _I ain't!"_ Soundbite and I chorused, but I was swift to sober up. "But there's more to this one than just prodding the Marines. Soundbite, get the Union to pick up Merry, Vivi and Nami and bring them to meet us at the _one_ location appropriate for an occasion this momentous."

"Oh?" Robin regarded me curiously even as she and Chopper accepted new hands from Boss. "And where would that be?"

I slowly allowed a grin to crawl across my face as I pressed my fingers together.

 **-o-**

"…The lip of the fountain. Really, Cross? Really?" Nami deadpanned.

"Oh, come on, Nami, look around!" I laughed, spreading my arms out to indicate the city below us and the reddening horizon in the distance, all plainly visible from the edge of the city's fountain. "We're about to take our efforts to change the world to a whole new level! Can you honestly tell me that this _isn't_ the best view for the occasion?"

"And even if it wasn't, just look at it!" Merry said with a radiant grin as she made a show of balancing right on the lip of the drop with her arms spread wide. "If there's one thing I love about being human, it's being able to look at things from this high up for _longer_ than a minute while plummeting to the ocean!"

Nami pursed her lips as she stared out at the horizon, and was shaken from her thoughts when Vivi laid her hand on her shoulder. "Ass though he might be, even I have to admit he has a point: this _is_ awesome beyond words."

At that, our negotiator heaved a defeated sigh. "Weeeeell…"

Soundbite and Merry giggled at her apparent defeat, while Zoro merely continued meditating in silence. Then the latter of the immature brats turned her view back to me. "By the way, when do we get codenames?" she asked. Her smile then took on an impish overtone as everyone looked back at her in confusion. "Well, I dunno about you all, but we can't _all_ be 'Ophiuchus' confidant,' and Soundbite is already folded into that—"

"THE _hell_ _ **I AM!"**_ the snail snapped. " _I came up_ **with my own** _ **CODENAME two days ago.**_ _YOU CAN CALL ME_ KNUCKER."

I frowned at the snail. "You… no, of _course_ you took a swear word and changed the first letter, what else was I expecting," I deadpanned.

"EX- _CUSE_ ME! _A KNUCKER_ _ **is a**_ **serpentine DRAGON,"** Soundbite huffed indignantly… before grinning impishly. " **Buuut,** _ **that may**_ _have been PART OF IT._ **As for the rest,** _well…_ HOW FOND ARE YOU _**of the works of one Quentin Tarantino?"**_

It took merely a second for me to get what he was implying before scowling. "Oh, hell no, I know where this is going and we are _not_ basing ourselves off—! Of…" I trailed off as I looked around at my assembled crewmates. "…okay, on second thought, I see what you're getting at here, never mind"

" _GLAD TO_ _ **HEAR IT! Now listen up, people,**_ **BECAUSE UNLESS YOU HAVE ANY** OBJECTIONS, _these are your new_ **codenames!"**

Thirty seconds of listing later, Merry was beaming, Zoro was indifferent, Nami was content, and Vivi was uncertain.

"Ah, I have a couple of issues with mine—"

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ **OVERRULED!"** Soundbite cheered.

Vivi sighed, and shook her head. "I guess I can get used to it…" she muttered despondently.

I smirked, but I allowed myself to fall into seriousness as I picked up the snail. Just this once, for this, I could legitimately nut up and shut up, if only to lull Tashigi into a false sense of security.

"Ophiuchus," I stated clearly.

" _Pisces and co."_ Tashigi immediately responded. " _Considering how many of us are present at the moment, I felt like it'd be just quicker for me to vouch for everyone."_

"That's fine," I nodded.

" _Hm…"_ a particularly wizened voice hummed thoughtfully. " _Is that so? So easily? Quite the casual operation you're running here, Mister Cross."_

I quirked up a grin. "Well, what can I say, Vice Admiral Tsuru?" I queried innocently, causing Vivi's spine to shoot ramrod straight even as the blood vacated her face. "We've been making do with what we had available, and a particularly wise and seasoned individual like you wasn't involved until now. And besides, in case you haven't noticed? We're the Straw Hat Pirates, we do everything casually."

" _Hmph,"_ Tsuru sniffed. " _I can't argue with that, I suppose._ _So, Mister Cross. I was informed about some form of deal or other concerning the nature of your intelligence and my participation in this endeavor. Care to elaborate?"_

"Hmm…" I scratched my chin thoughtfully before waving my hand. "Soon enough, soon enough. First things first: our newest two members in what I'd like to formally dub the 'Zodiac of the Damned'. I've already screened them, and I know that we can trust them in our endeavor. But just to confirm, does anybody object to the addition of the 'Blue' and 'Red Ogres' Dorry and Broggy and 'Roar of the Seas' Scratchman Apoo to our ranks?"

Following a brief pause for thought, I received a broad chorus of general agreement and confirmation.

"Right then, let's do this." I rolled my fingers at Soundbite, and a moment later there was an unforgettably tell-tale click. "Apoo, Dorry, Broggy, you there?"

" _But of course!" "Without a doubt!"_

" _I wouldn't miss this for the world!"_

"Alright, then…" I said, rubbing my hands together in anticipation. "This is it, you guys. You've already gotten a general overview of our goals, but once we give you our names, you're in it to win it with no way out. Are you ready for that kind of commitment? Ready to butt heads with the world itself?"

" _But of course!"_ Broggy cackled. " _For I can truly think of no better way to celebrate the end of our century-long hiatus!"_

" _And besides,"_ Dorry grinned malevolently. " _We've been cracking World Government and Marine skulls since before you were small, white and gooey. Taking it to the next level? That just makes things all the more_ fun."

" _Apapa! My thoughts exactly!"_ Apoo concurred with a massive grin. " _Heck, the only reason my tribe hasn't come together and started giving them hell already is that whenever we try, we always wind up robbing each other blind!"_

"Seriously?" Nami hissed out of the corner of her mouth at Vivi.

"I'm only just keeping from checking my pockets _listening_ to a Long-Arm's voice!" Vivi shot back.

"Right, then. Dorry, Broggy, you'll be sharing the codename of 'Ox.' No better for the living epitome of strength."

" _HUZZAH!"_ the pair bellowed joyously.

"And Apoo, I believe that Monkey should suit you just fine."

 _That_ caused Apoo's grin to slip into an uneasy frown. " _Apa… wait, hang on… 'Monkey'? But wait, what about—?"_

" _What about Luffy, huh!?"_ Bartolomeo barked indignantly. " _Ain't he gonna be a part of this or somethin'?!"_

" _Rooster—!"_ Hina started.

"No, he's not, Rooster," I interrupted. "Because not only is that not who Luffy is, it's not his _job._ Luffy is our captain, which means that he leads us down the Grand Line, that he'll lead us to Raftel and that he'll earn his crown as Pirate King. I, however, am my crew's tactician. That means that I plan things out for the long run, that I look at the big picture. I started all of this and got involved in this because when Luffy earns his crown, he's going to rule the seas, all but rule the world… and when that happens, I'm going to _damn well_ make sure that the world is ready. That it's one he'll be happy… no, no, one he'll be _proud_ to travel and explore." I shook my head. "And that's _not_ his duty. That is and always _will_ be mine. Got me?"

Silence fell as everyone took that in and while I couldn't be certain what they were all thinking, I saw clear approval in my confidants' expressions, with Merry being particularly exuberant. Then the silence broke in a very predictable way:

" _ALL HAIL DA STWAWHAT PIWATES!"_

" _Oh, perfect, now you've got him started…"_ Foxy sighed.

"Oh, don't worry, I believe I can snap him out of it. Rooster, I understand that you're happy, but we need to move on. So, either you get your shit together, or I pull out my, shall we say, _Buster-grade_ option?"

" _SHUT THE HELL UP, ROOSTER!"_

" _WONDAF—grk! R-Right, then, what's next?"_ Bartolomeo asked.

" _Apa… that'd be me accepting my codename,"_ the newly christened Monkey replied.

"Glad to hear it," I nodded as I started to pace. "Now, with that all out of the way, I suggest we welcome our newest allies with a round of introductions, just to make sure that we don't attack each other by accident on the high seas. Agreed?" Another round of agreements. "Perfect. We'll start off with the presiding officers who actually brought both factions of our little group together, IE me and mine. You already know me, 'Voice of Anarchy' Jeremiah Cross, third mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, codename Ophiuchus."

"' _Voice of Anarchy'_ **SOUNDBITE,** _ **co-communications officer**_ _OF THE_ STRAW HAT PIRATES. _Call me_ _**KNUCKER, and if anyone cracks wise,**_ **I'll purée their eardrums."**

Merry snickered at the threat before smiling from ear-to-ear. "Hiya! I'm new to this shindig, but I'm in it for the long haul! I'm 'White Menace' Going Merry, but on the job you can call me Cottonmouth!"

"'Corsair Princess' Nefertari Vivi, negotiator of the Straw Hat Pirates, codename…" Vivi briefly gnawed on her lip before heaving a defeated sigh. "…Copperhead."

Zoro grunted and shifted slightly on his feet. "'Pirate Hunter' Roronoa Zoro, first mate of the Straw Hat Pirates. Sidewinder."

Nami took a moment to respond, but once I rolled my fingers at her she shook her head in defeat. "'Weather Witch' Nami, second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, codename Callie—"

" _ **SHORT FOR**_ CALIFORNIA MOUNTAIN SNAKE!" Soundbite explained, sticking his tongue out. " _Obscure reference, don't ask."_

Nami heaved a weary sigh. "—and believe me when I say that you _really_ don't want to ask."

"Alright, that's us," I continued. "Now, as for everyone else, I hope you don't mind, but I've taken the liberty of adapting names for our two factions. Let's start with our allies in the Marine Corps, who shall be henceforth be referred to as, unless there are any objections, the Zodiac of the Divine. Let's go with order of joining, please."

There was a brief moment of hushed discussion before a smoke-filled sigh came over the line. " _It'd be nice if you actually_ told _us before you decided this shit for us, Cross…"_ the gaseous Logia huffed. " _Commodore 'White Hunter' Smoker, codename Cancer."_

" _Lieutenant Junior Grade Tashigi, codename Pisces. Welcome to the fight."_

" _Captain 'Black Cage' Hina has the codename Capricorn. Hina also agrees with Smoker, but also admits that matters could be worse."_

" _Captain 'Ship Cutter' T-Bone, codename Scorpio. Pardon me if I do not have much to contribute this evening, I'm still recovering from… what I am starting to realize was a somewhat ill-conceived endeavor."_

"Hey, look at it this way, it could have been way worse!" I 'reassured' the gaunt Marine. "You could have gone up against _Zoro!"_ The three-swordsman in question grinned as he clicked an inch of Wado Ichimonji's blade out of its sheath.

"… _suddenly, I feel much better."_

" _Trust me, the feeling of fatigue rivaling a hangover is a standard part of surviving a fight with the Straw Hat Pirates. My entire base and I know all too well. Ah, yes, I almost forgot, I'm Vice Admiral 'Chessmaster' Jonathan, codename Sagittarius. Nice to meet you all."_

" _And that makes me the last, then? Very well. Vice Admiral 'Great Staff Officer' Tsuru, codename Aquarius."_

"Nice to have you as a part of this, Vice Admiral," I nodded politely. "That makes six seats out of eleven filled, but with any luck we'll be able to fix that—"

" _Wait, what do you mean eleven, Cross?"_ Tashigi cut in. " _There are twelve signs in each Zodiac, and even then—!"_

"You're telling me that _any_ relatively sane and informed person we recruit in the future will be willing to go by either 'Virgo' or 'Dragon,' given the _others_ we know with those names?" I interrupted right back.

"… _withdrawn."_

"Good. And if Sagittarius and Aquarius haven't been informed yet, I'll trust you to fix that as soon as this call is over. Now, for our pirate allies known as the Zodiac of the Damned. This time, newcomers first."

" _Eh, we've already said it before, but hell, might as well go again. 'Red Ogre' Broggy—"_

" _And 'Blue Ogre' Dorry—"_

" _Co-captains of the Giant Warrior Pirates, codename Ox! GEGYAGYAGYAGYAGYA!"_

" _Co-captains of the Giant Warrior Pirates, codename Ox! GABABABABABA!"_

" _Apapapa! This here is 'Roar of the Sea' Scratchman Apoo, Captain of the On Air Pirates, codename Monkey! Grand Line represent, Apapa!"_

" _And East Blue represents right back with 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo, Captain of the Barto Club and codename Rooster! Let's hurry the hell up, I heard something about the truth of Cross's intel, and I damn well wanna know!"_

" _That sentiment is reflected with me, the infamous Foxy 'the Silver Fox', Captain of the Foxy Pirates and incognito Commander of the Straw Hat Pirates Recruitment Division, codename Goat! I wanna know how this smarmy bastard managed to utterly dismantle my winning streak, and I want to know now!"_

"Trust me, that little combo breaker did _not_ hinge on my presence," I coughed into my fist.

" _Perhaps not,"_ came the (thankfully masked) voice of Boa Marigold. " _But I am equally interested in learning how you've acquired the impossible knowledge you've shown."_

There was a brief silence before Soundbite scowled in a manner that left no doubt as to the cigar-chewing identity of the speaker. " _And you would be?"_

"… _Call me Cobra,"_ Marigold finally responded. " _I would take the name of Snake, but I believe that that's best suited for my… superior, should they choose to join after I give them my opinion of this organization. I apologize for not giving a name, but anonymity is key in this instance. For now, however, I believe that Ophiuchus and Rooster can both support my presence, if only as an observer and commentator."_

"I can," I nodded.

" _Yeah, she's on the up-and-up,"_ Bartolomeo concurred, although going by the way Soundbite's expression had contorted, I'd say that he was currently occupied with digging for gold.

There were a few more muttered complaints echoing about here and there, but Jonathan's voice easily cut through them. " _I suppose that two endorsements will have to be enough, then. But for now, if we're ready to begin…"_ Jonathan's expression fell flat. " _I believe that our first order of business should be plainly obvious. What do you say, Cross? Are you finally willing to share your secrets?"_

"Yes, you've waited long enough, and as Tsuru is here, it's obvious that you've kept your end of the deal," I said tiredly. "But I'm warning you: even with the impossibility of what I know, I will not be surprised if you still don't believe me. Just a fair warning."

" _I doubt that, Cross,"_ deadpanned several of the listeners.

I shrugged while my confidants hid smirks. "Very well. Let me give you all the details I can, with as much explanation I can provide. First of all, have any of you ever heard of the multiverse theory?"

 **-o-**

"… _You son of a bitch, you_ weren't _just spouting nonsense on Skypiea,"_ Tashigi groaned.

" _It's not that surprising, in hindsight,"_ Jonathan mused, albeit with a slight twitch in his grin. " _Sometimes the honest truth is just too… unbelievable to handle as the truth."_

" _Apapa… maybe so, but still…"_ Apoo ground his teeth uncomfortably. " _Look, I'm just playing devil's advocate for the sake of advocacy, but the things you're talking about… an omnipotent something or other, alternate worlds? Somebody's gotta voice what we're all thinking here, if only so that it don't rot, alright?"_

" _Eh…"_ Foxy hedged with a few shifty glances. " _If it helps, I've… come into contact with the same whatchamacallit that he's talking about, this… this 'B.R.O.B.' thing, during my initial encounter with the crew. It was brief and I'd…"_ He shivered fearfully. " _I'd_ really _rather not talk about it, but still, it-it was more than enough to convince me of the veracity of his words just now."_

" _Hrm…"_ Tsuru hummed before nodding to herself. " _Jeremiah Cross, how many levels are there in Impel Down?"_

I hesitated slightly at the question before bowing my head with a grimace. "…Six," I admitted before shooting a dark glare at Soundbite. "But if anyone else were to ask me, I would say five every single time, because as much as I criticize the government, I'll agree that there are some people you need to just lock up and melt the key _._ So let me be clear: nobody is to ever, _ever_ breathe a word of the Eternal Hell outside of this group."

"… _Well said, Jeremiah Cross,"_ the old Vice Admiral said, approval and nerves equally prominent in her voice. " _As it stands, any doubt I personally held has been dispelled, though I do dread the events that could have led to such a story_ including _Level Six. For now, should anyone still harbor any doubts, I would suggest that you contemplate the audacity fallacy."_

There was a moment of silence before Soundbite sighed through newly acquired shark teeth. " _Mind explaining?"_ Bartolomeo grumbled.

" _Ahh… ah, yes, I've actually heard of this before!"_ Tashigi offered. " _Basically, it's the question of why anyone would make an incredibly outrageous lie like that if they were lying? We'd be more likely to believe something less audacious; ergo, it must be true."_

"… _Uh…"_

" _Yes, I know that there are problems with that line of reasoning,"_ Tashigi assured him. " _After all, that's why it's a_ fallacy _. Though… in this case, you do have to admit that it makes sense, right?"_

" _Yeah… yeah, I guess it does,"_ Apoo nodded. " _Alright, what the hell. I'm satisfied. It's totally nutty…"_ The long-arm grinned widely. " _But in the end, above all else? I trust Cross. So if believing this is crazy… APAPAPA! What the hell am I saying!? I'm a Grand Line Native, I'm_ already _crazy!"_

" _Hear hear!"_ Dorry and Broggy chorused as one.

There were a few more vocal signs of agreements, a bunch of nods, and then a brief period of hushed exchanges. Then Jonathan spoke up.

" _So, then, I believe we've just managed to handle our prerequisite business in a timely manner, so let's move onto our business proper. Who'd like to begin?"_

"Ah… actually?" I grinned sheepishly as I raised my hand, wincing at the chorus of groans that sounded as a result.

" _What should we have expected…"_ T-Bone groaned wearily.

" _Unsurprised, Hina is absolutely not surprised at all…"_ the cage-woman huffed.

" _Apa… Cross really loves to hear his own voice, doesn't he?"_

" _Tell me about it, he reminds me of Ito more often than not…"_

"Oh, cram it up your bilges, it's not like what Cross talks about _isn't_ important!" Merry protested on my behalf… before donning a cheeky grin. " _Most_ of the time, at least…"

"Half the time…" Vivi conceded as she twirled a lock of her hair around her finger.

"Once in awhile…" Zoro grumbled, digging a finger in his ear.

"Like, one percent of what he says?" Nami mused, using her clouds to buff her nails.

"So much respect, I really feel the love…" I grumbled, rolling my eyes. "I am serious, though. Before we go any further? There are some facts about us that need to change."

" _Like what, Cross?"_ Smoker grunted.

I wiped my expression clean as I popped up a finger. "We need to rethink what we call ourselves." I raised a second finger. "And with that rebranding, we need to restructure our goals for the future."

" _Ohoh?"_ Tsuru raised an eyebrow thoughtfully. " _Well, you've certainly managed to snag my interest. Care to share what you have in mind, Mister Cross?"_

"Well, it's like this, see," I said, tenting my fingers together. "Our current name, MI, Marine Integrity, it was fine at first, when it was just Marines fighting to remove and replace a rotten system. But now… well, now we've grown beyond that. Ox, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, even my own crew and Cobra's. It's not _just_ Marine interests being represented here, but pirates too!"

" _And what of it?"_ T-Bone rasped dryly. " _What 'interests' of pirates should we consider, hm?"_

Vivi winced uncomfortably as she raised her hands to her ears. "Ooooh, _this_ is going to be loud…"

And indeed, the following roar from our… less law-abiding compatriots would have shamed a banshee. And the loudest of all was Bartolomeo, who was leading the charge in the protests.

" _WATCH YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH YOU TOO-FRESH CORPSE! WE'RE AS MUCH A PART OF THIS FUCKING THING AS YOU BITCHES, MEANING THAT WE HAVE JUST AS MUCH FUCKING SAY IN WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS!"_

" _HOLD YOUR TONGUE, YOU INSOLENT CUR!"_ T-Bone bellowed back, giving just as fiercely as he was getting. " _FOR YEARS THOSE WHO FLY THE BLACK FLAG HAVE LOOTED AND PILLAGED THE WORLD, SLAUGHTERING AND ENDANGERING THE INNOCENT WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A HINT OF EITHER RHYME OR REASON! THEY ARE A SCOURGE UPON THE WORLD BY THEIR VERY EXISTENCE, AND THEY DESERVE—!"_

Right, that's where I draw the line.

"Cover your ears," I growled under my breath as I shot my hand into my bag. I gave my friends just enough time to defend their eardrums, and then…

 _ **BWAAAAAAAAAH!**_

"BOTH OF YOU, _SHUT THE HELL UP!"_ I roared in the silence that followed my multi-decibel blast. I huffed a bit to get my breath back before forging on. "T-Bone, think about what the _hell_ you're saying, damn it! 'Scourge by their very existence'? And ' _deserve'!?_ That's the exact kind of shit that _Akainu_ spouts, T-Bone, the same bile that the _Elder Stars_ peddle! Is that really what you want in life, T-Bone?! Is _that_ the level you want to sink to!?"

Another silence fell, though it broke just as quickly with T-Bone's weary and ashamed sigh. " _My… My apologies, Cross. I have never conformed to the spirit of such teachings… but I have been forced to recite them for years on end, and as such the spewing of such lies has become all but second nature for me. Still, I acknowledge that there is no real excuse for my words."_

I nodded in acceptance at the apology, but my scowl snapped right back into place when Bartolomeo spoke again. No, wait, did I say 'spoke'? I meant _started cackling._

" _Hehahahaha! Nice job putting him in his place, boss-ma—!"_

"Bartolomeo, kindly _stuff it_ before I reach halfway across the world and _shove your pompadour down your throat,"_ I practically snarled, reducing Bartolomeo to stunned silence.

" _C-Cross, wha—!?"_ he started weakly.

"'What' would be the fact that you're acting like a royal jackass _when you don't have any grounds to stand on,"_ I spat. "And why? Well, you kind of _burned it_ when you became involved with a few names. Names like Kironoa, Eolialso, the _Prisca Santana,_ the… ugh, _Crobin?"_

" _Heeheehee_ _ **hoohoohoo—!"**_

"Plug it before I plug you," I snarled, prompting Soundbite to flinch self-consciously. "And Barto, you had _damn well_ better remember those names, or else what little respect I have for you at the moment is going to hit _rock fucking bottom."_

" _Wha—Of_ course _I remember, those were some of the—!…ah… w-well, t-the islands and t-the ships that my crew—!"_ Barto flinched as my glare redoubled. " _Ah… t-that_ I _raided! B-but—!"_ The barrier-man swallowed heavily as he tried to regroup. " _W-What the hell of it? So I raid a bit, big fucking whoop! T-That's what pirates do!"_

There was a brief moment of painfully tense silence before I leaned forward. "'That's what pirates do', is it?" I hissed. "Do me a favor, would you… remind me when was the last time that the _Straw Hats_ pulled a raid on civilians?"

" _Wha-?! B-But that's—!?"_

"Or the last time the Sun Pirates did something like that," I forged on through grit teeth. "Or the Red-Haired Pirates? Or the _Whitebeard Pirates?!"_

" _A-Ah… I, ah… t-that's, ah…"_ Barto muttered uncomfortably, shifting his eyes side to side as he tried to keep his cool.

"Cross…" Zoro said in warning.

I glanced back at the swordsman before heaving a defeated sigh. "I… alright, fine. Look, T-Bone, Barty, what I'm trying to get at is that for all you two were acting like royal _dicks_ earlier, you're _also_ not wrong. T-Bone, you have to keep in mind that Pirates are still human, or at least sentient living beings, but Barty, _you_ need to acknowledge that the vast majority of pirates are _amoral monsters."_

" _Hey, that's not—!"_

"Kuro, Krieg, Crocodile, _Blackbeard,"_ I listed off dryly.

"… _withdrawn,"_ the barrier-man whispered.

" _Alright, look, we're getting off-topic here,"_ Foxy snorted. " _Barto might be an idiot, but the rest of us have no such compunctions about our, shall we say, 'chosen profession.' What exactly is the point you're trying to drive at here?"_

"What I'm trying to get at is that for all that there are _bad_ pirates," I continued undaunted. "There are still _good_ pirates in the world as well. Pirates who only go out onto the seas in search of adventure, out of a lust for _freedom._ And unless I'm mistaken, it's safe to say that those same pirates are represented here today, correct?"

" _I…"_ Bartolomeo hesitated slightly before nodding firmly. " _Yeah… Yeah, you're damn right!"_

" _But of course!"_ Broggy laughed.

" _After all!"_ Dorry proclaimed. " _What need have we giants for gold? Nay, we set out to sea in search of honor and glory for Elbaf!"_

" _Eh, me and mine do like the gold, but we tend to take it from other pirates, so I say we're in the green,"_ Foxy smirked.

" _To steal the crown of the King of the Pirates all for myself… Apapa, I'll go down in my tribe's history!"_ Apoo cackled ecstatically.

Vivi blinked thoughtfully. "Wait, doesn't that mean—?"

"Shhh," Merry shushed her with a grin. "I wanna see how this plays out in the future!"

" _There is nothing in the world that matters more than freedom,"_ Marigold quietly contributed.

"I believe I've made my point" I stated. "Now, dedicating ourselves to the integrity of the Marines was all well and good when it was _just_ Marines here, but let's face it! This organization has _expanded_ beyond the corruption of the Marine Corps, and our goals have to expand with it. What I propose is thus: that what we no longer merely aim to rebuild Justice… but rather, that we aim to rebuild the whole world. It is my personal opinion that together, we must strive to build a world where those who do not seek adventure or excitement are justly protected, yes… but _also_ a world that allows those who are swayed by the lure of the seas, swayed by adventure and freedom, to follow their calling freely, and without worry."

There was a long pause as everyone considered my word.

" _Eh, what the hell, I've been backing crazy long odds since day one anyways,"_ Smoker muttered with a sigh.

" _It sounds idealistic… but honestly, Hina does not believe that that is a point_ against _it, all things considered,"_ Hina added.

" _And besides, since when have crazy long odds meant anything to the Straw Hats or anyone on their side?"_ Jonathan mused with a smirk.

" _We could definitely support something like that,"_ Dorry hummed.

" _Bigger fights and bigger risks?"_ Broggy cackled. " _You're damn right we can support the hell out of that!"_

" _APAPAPA! Trust the Straw Hats to jump to the absolute_ craziest _option!"_ Apoo cackled.

" _Ergh…"_ Foxy sighed with a grimace. " _I'm technically a part of their crew, so I'm going right to hell alongside them no matter what I say…"_ He donned a pained smile a moment later. " _So I guess that means I might as well charge right in with everything I've got!"_

" _So, Mister Cross, if I am understanding you correctly,"_ Tsuru cut in with a measure of sharpness. " _You're proposing that we strive first for destroying the current world… and then rebuilding from the ashes to create an entirely new world as well as we can manage? Is that right?"_

I made to respond, and then I grinned from ear to ear as a thought struck me. "Yes… yes, that's _exactly_ what I'm proposing! And as such…" I spread my arms invitingly before all of my comrades, physically present or otherwise. "Unless anyone protests, be it either to this change of objective or to what I'm about to suggest, it is my official opinion that we change this organization's name to something that makes our purpose evident to all. Ladies, Gentlemen, assorted bastards and bitches… I propose that henceforth, we label ourselves as the New World Masons. All in favor?"

" _Aye!"_ a unanimous chorus of voices sounded out, with varying amounts of enthusiasm.

"Motion carried!" I nodded gratefully. "Anyways, that's everything particularly pressing at the moment. Who's up next?"

" _No, he's on_ **first."**

 _THWACK!_

" _ **YEOW!"**_ Soundbite flinched back into his shell with a yelp.

"Thank you," I nodded gratefully at Zoro.

"Just be happy I didn't hit _you_ too," he countered.

" _Well, if I may?"_ Jonathan cut in, though without any heat. " _I am currently in possession of two pieces of news, both good and bad. Beginning with the brighter news: with the heavy damage to Blackarm Island, the Marine Corps is finding itself in need of a new training base for their recruits, and have selected Navarone. Not only will this omit any lingering budget issues we have, but it should also prove an invaluable resource in turning soldiers to our number, as well as spreading our presence and influence across the globe."_

I struggled not to let a massive grin split my face; with Jonathan in command, not even Akainu was likely to root out the mole mine we were setting up. But the other part of what he said still stuck in my mind, leading me to refusing to let me celebrate yet.

"And… the bad news?" I asked, not stopping the dread that creeped into my voice.

Jonathan's smile promptly dropped into a frown. " _Well, the former staff of Blackarm Island has relocated to the fortress so as to_ continue _training operations, and after gauging the personality of the chief instructor, I elected to try offering him the position of Taurus. He seemed intrigued at first, but the moment I brought up that we were acquiring intelligence from pirates, he closed off entirely."_

I felt my heart threatening to explode. "Sooo on a scale of one to ten, ten being 'Akainu's on his way'—?" I began weakly.

" _Calm down, Cross. He may not be willing to join us, but he's not willing to betray us either. He simply has his reservations about cooperating with pirates. When it comes to matters of justice, he acknowledges the corruption of the World Government, and he respects our endeavors to fix it."_

"Mmph… and the SBS hasn't done anything to change his view of pirates?" I ground out.

" _It had, Cross. But the recent attack by 'Captain' Kidd has served to remind him of all the reasons why he and his_ despise _pirates."_

I promptly slapped a hand to my face, groaning. "Right, I read something about that dumbass almost getting torn in two by an ex-Admiral, of course it'd be the same one…"

"Ah, if I may?" Vivi spoke up. "Just how deep is this ex-Admiral's grudge against pirates? Because maybe I could try and—"

" _In the early days of his career, he lost his wife and son, and more recently he lost an entire division of cadets, save for two, along with his arm, all to pirates,"_ T-Bone wheezed.

"Withdrawn!" Vivi squeaked.

I sighed, shaking my head. "Alright… well, if there's one silver lining here, it's that someone of admiral-level strength sympathizes with our cause, even if he doesn't support us. That's more than I can say for any other Admiral… for now, anyway."

I looked up seriously. "But still, that was too close of a call; if he wasn't sympathetic, we'd all be gargling magma about now. As such, I think we need to come up with a contingency plan for later recruitment attempts; after all, if we let even a single thread get pulled, then everything could potentially come apart at the seams."

"What exactly are you suggesting, Cross?" Vivi asked in a steely tone.

"Oi, watch it!" I snapped indignantly. "I'm not Crocodile and I'm not suggesting we become Baroque Works here. There are more ways to keep people quiet than death; just ask Capricorn and Rooster, seeing as they each have some of the best practitioners of one-such method on their respective crews."

There was a confused pause as everyone wondered what I was referring to, until Hina perked up thoughtfully. "… _Hina has Jango, and Goldenweek escaped onto the Cannibal with her cohorts,"_ the infamous Black Cage mused. " _You're suggesting that we hypnotize them?"_

"Tell me it's not a good idea," I challenged. "It's non-lethal, I've never heard of there being any long-lasting damage, and if it works properly, there's no chance of them ratting us out. Plus, if all goes well, we'll soon have another person capable of brainwashing in our ranks." I blinked. "Actually, what about you, Vice Admiral Tsuru? I don't know much about the Wash-Wash Fruit, but do you think—?"

" _Possibly…"_ the Vice Admiral muttered ponderously. " _I've never tried it before… but then again, it's never too late to teach an old ability-user new tricks. I'll see about going out on a few patrols to experiment; Sengoku shouldn't bat an eyelash at my request to be away from Marineford—or more precisely,_ him— _for a while."_

I grimaced uncomfortably. "For what it's worth, I still believe he's a good man. I just…"

" _Aired his moral failings and dirty laundry to the entire world,"_ Tsuru responded. " _I'm aware of that. My issue isn't so much the laundry itself as the fact that he ever accumulated it in the first place. He…"_ She heaved a weary sigh. " _He_ was _my friend, and I thought I knew him… and instead he hid so much from me? I understand that there's pressure at the top, but there's only so much that I can forgive. And I realize now that he passed that point long ago. And for that revelation… I both condemn and thank you."_

I grimaced at the weary resignation in her voice, but nonetheless nodded in acceptance. "Alright, so we've got four capable of it, that should be enough for now. Does anyone else have suggestions for additions to the Cleaners?"

A pause fell, and Tsuru broke it with a scoff that sounded more like a chuckle. " _Simple, but it will do. Now—!"_

" _Ah, wait, hold on a sec!"_ Tashigi spoke up hastily. " _I_ know _that I'm going to regret this, but… Goldenweek, Jango and Vice Admiral Tsuru are only three. Who's number four?"_

"The _other_ sheep sailing about on the high seas," Merry whistled innocently.

" _Uhh… someone else explain, please?"_ Foxy requested uneasily. " _Preferably in a way that makes sense?"_

"Oh, she's talking about Kalifa," I blandly replied. "She should be contacting you soon, and I imagine that with enough practice and training from Tsuru, she should be capable of wiping memories too. After all, she was partially successful on Nami on her first try. Isn't that right, Nami?"

Nami responded by rolling her eyes.

"… _Kalifa,"_ Tashigi finally bit out. " _As in_ CP9's _Kalifa? The exact same Kalifa who tried to_ kill you all?"

"You mean sort of like how most everyone on this call has tried to kill us in the past, and still fantasize about killing me today?" I responded dryly.

" _ **Seriously,**_ **HOW CAN YOU** _BE EVEN REMOTELY surprised by this?"_

" _Moving on, right goddamn now,"_ the Lieutenant snarled, soliciting chuckles from most of the listeners.

"Mwahahahaha! Seriously, Tashigi, I thought you were past the 'ditz' stage by now," Merry snickered.

"… _Cottonmouth? You are as annoying as_ Cross," Tashigi spat acridly.

I snorted in laughter, but looked curiously at Merry; she was laughing too, but it was clear that it wasn't out of amusement. It seemed more _joyful_.

"Oh, you don't know the half of it, do you, Tashigi?" Merry said with a smile. "I'm definitely going to have to get on the SBS next time to start telling the world more about their ships. Like I told Iceburg and Franky, the ship's heart is their crew. His or her likes and dislikes, his or her behavior, his or her knowledge, all comes from the ones who he or she carries."

She sat back with a wide, peaceful smile on her face. "I've soaked up a little of everyone on the crew; they've made me who I am, and I couldn't be happier or prouder. Though, heh, I'm not planning on joining Zoro or Leo for a sword fight anytime soon."

"Wait, wha—?" Zoro asked, sitting up. Then he blinked in realization. "…You're saying that you're capable of mimicking _all_ of our fighting styles, Merry?"

The ship-girl shrugged. "Well, _obviously,_ I can't duplicate Luffy or Robin or anyone else who relies on their Devil Fruit. But, for hand-to-hand combat or weaponry? It's… more like muscle memory than actual training, but… yeah, I think I can fake it all well enough."

All present stared at Merry. Then, suddenly, a sound of mass scratching filled the air, drawing our attention back to Soundbite, who was himself glancing down at his grinding teeth in confusion.

"UH, _what are_ _ **you all**_ **doing?"**

" _We're taking notes, of course,"_ Foxy scoffed. " _Do you have_ any idea _how much of a riot went on when her wanted poster was published, confirming beyond any doubt that an_ autonomous ship _was responsible for rescuing the Straw Hats from Enies Lobby?"_

" _Congratulations, you've managed to start a global trend that's going to last for_ years _,"_ Hina huffed.

" _You complete. Raging._ Bastards," Tashigi ground out in a long-suffering tone.

There was a tense silence as we considered that before Vivi coughed. "Aaanyways, that's everything on your end, Vice Admiral Jonathan?"

" _As of now, yes."_

"Perfect," I nodded in satisfaction. "So, anyone else have news before I drop another bombshell?"

" _Someone please say yes,"_ Smoker groaned.

" _Well, I do have one more bit of news,"_ Tsuru stated, a vindictive grin sliding onto her face. " _All of you pirates can breathe a little easier for the immediate future. You see, on account of the sudden surge in public unrest and the bad publicity following Enies Lobby, there's been a bout of, shall we say,_ reassigning _going on."_

"Oh?" I let a smirk spread across my face. "Please, do tell."

 **-Four Days Earlier-**

Admiral 'Akainu' Sakazuki was glowering worse than usual as he entered his superior's office. He had an operation to plan, dammit, and losing that brat Bartolomeo was _infuriating_.

"Report," Sengoku ordered tersely, the IV drip hanging at his side serving to emphasize just how drained the Admiral of the Fleets was.

"'Black Bart' Bartolomeo successfully escaped into the Calm Belt," Akainu immediately and tersely summarized. "Boa Hancock reported failure in tracking him down, and there has been no news of him since his escape. All Marine bases in Paradise have been notified to send word if they see him, and in the meantime, his bounty will be tripled."

Sengoku huffed out an angry sigh, idly shuffling through the papers on his desk as he listened. "How can one crew have provoked this much trouble?" He glanced up irritably. "One that _doesn't_ have a D. on it, I mean."

"I assure you, Sengoku, that this will be the last time they do," Akainu stated. "The Straw Hat Pirates should have been exterminated upon their first broadcast, and that's a mistake that I fully intend to rectify."

The Buddha-Human didn't even spare the admiral a glance as he snorted dismissively. "Whatever the hell you're thinking about, forget it. For now," He waved his hand at the chair in front of his desk. "Why don't you just take a seat, make yourself comfortable? We're going to be here awhile."

"With all due respect, sir," Akainu responded as he shook his head and started to turn towards the door. "My men are already preparing my battleship to sail for Water 7, and we're leaving within the hour. By this time tomorrow—"

 _CRASH!_

Akainu flinched as a massive golden fist shot by his head and smashed the office's doors.

" _ **SIT YOUR FUCKING ASS DOWN RIGHT GODDAMN NOW!"**_

The admiral shot a glare at his superior, flaring the temperature in the room to the same levels as a raging volcano as he prepared to protest—

" _ **Akainu."**_

—before clicking his mouth shut and killing the heat dead when he briefly found himself confronted with the sight of a horizon-swallowing, eye-searingly divine figure.

The next instant, he was back in Sengoku's office, the human Admiral of the Fleets still engrossed in his paperwork.

Sengoku glanced up at Akainu. "Sit down."

Akainu _tried_ to muster some form of resistance—

Sengoku's eyes glinted gold. " _ **Before I stop being**_ **polite."**

And then promptly planted his ass in what he suspected was a deliberately two-sizes-too-small seat.

The Fleet Admiral leveled a stare at him, looking for all the world like the displeased boss that he was. "Just so we're clear, the only reason I am keeping myself calm in this situation is that my age has been showing lately, and I can't maintain my rage for more than a few seconds without my heart giving out on me. Make no mistake, however. We've had more resignations in the last twenty-four hours than the last two years, at least fifteen percent of the World Government's nations have attempted or succeeded in revolution, and above all else, worldwide opinion of the Marines is at an all-time low. I. Am. _Furious."_

He leaned forward, his eyes narrowing more. "And the two major catalysts for this are the publicizing of CP9's blackbook—which Spandam is being punished for—and the destruction of Ohara. As it stands, we will be lucky if the deployment of the Buster Call isn't deemed a _war crime_ worthy of Impel Down come the next Reverie."

" _What!?"_ Akainu jerked forward in shock. "Sir, I realize that that Call didn't exactly go according to protocol—!"

" _ **PROTO—!?"**_ Sengoku started to roar before wincing and ramming his fist into his chest. "You want to speak to _me_ about protocol?! While I acknowledge that all Buster Calls have high casualty rates, _none before have resulted in genocide!"_

"I had to be certain that—!"

 _SMASH!_

Akainu promptly shut up when Sengoku's fist split his desk.

"To reiterate," Sengoku hissed. "Do not let my calm demeanor fool you, _mutt_. I am _begging you_ for any excuse you can give me so that I can lock you away like you _deserve_. Will you be kind enough to give me that excuse?"

The admiral wisely kept his trap shut.

Sengoku snorted dismissively as he returned his attention to his paperwork. "Of course, _now_ is when you decide to wise up… as I was saying, the main cause of the outcry is the fact that _you,_ an _Admiral,_ sacrificed a shipload of Marines and civilians for no other reason than your own 'Thorough Justice'."

"And what's wrong with—!?"

Sengoku whipped a form out of a drawer and slapped it on the desk. Akainu took one look at the paper, registered the words 'dishonorable discharge' and decided to _immediately_ re-think his priorities.

"As it stands," Sengoku continued. "I'd like nothing more than to throw the book at you just as I did to Spandam, as that would be the easiest and best way to diminish all of the negative publicity we're getting. But as it stands, your abilities remain too much of an asset for the Corps for me to do that. So, what I'm going to do instead is make sure you don't end up anywhere in the public eye for the foreseeable future."

He pushed his paperwork forward for Akainu to see. "Your new marching orders are as follows: you and Vice Admiral Onigumo—who I am _equally_ infuriated with—will be working together from now on. You will not be assigned to Marineford, you will not be assigned to anywhere in Paradise." He leaned forward, positioning himself so that he was looming over the suddenly, though quietly, terrified admiral. "Your assignment is to bury yourself in the New World like the tick that we both know you are, and wage _war_ against the Four Emperors. You are going to do your level best to remind me, remind Kong, and remind everyone else who outranks you as to _why_ we consider you so much of an asset, and why we _cannot_ simply condemn your overkill-happy ass to Level _Six_ of Impel Down. And if you don't?"

Sengoku pushed himself up from his desk, the light falling _just_ right so that his face was hidden in shadows, two golden orbs where his eyes were.

" **There is a** _ **very**_ **real possibility that we will** _ **forget.**_ "

He leaned forward and glared in the admiral's face. "Do I make myself clear, _soldier?"_

"…crystal, sir," the admiral ground out.

"Perfect," Sengoku nodded in satisfaction, ignoring Akainu's tone as he returned to his paperwork. "Just so you know, I fully expected that you would be difficult up to this point, so I decided to get some… assistance in this endeavor."

That prompted Akainu to blink in confusion. "Wait… what do you mean by—?"

 _SMASH!_

Akainu spun around as the entire _wall_ of the office smashed inwards, fully prepared to end whoever the intruder was, and promptly paled in horror when he realized _who_ the intruder was.

"Hello, _Mutt_ ," a grinning Monkey D. Garp chuckled grimly as he strode up to his technical superior, slowly cracking his knuckles one by one. "Been awhile. Don't worry, this won't be long, I'm just going to explain to you why you're going to _stay the hell away from my grandson."_

For the first time in over a decade, Admiral 'Akainu' Sakazuki swallowed fearfully.

 **-o-**

"… _After that, well… suffice to say that we probably won't be dealing with that particular walking menace anytime in the near future. He just arrived in the New World today, along with a large selection of Marines with, shall we say,_ similar views _concerning Justice. Odds are quite high that it will be much easier to weed out potential supporters now that Akainu is on the other side of the Red Line, both in Marineford and on the high seas."_

I wasn't _quite_ capable of responding to Tsuru on account of how I was only half-listening. The reason for this lack of attentiveness was that halfway through her explanation, all of the pirates present—my friends and I included—and a few of the Marines started straight-up _dying_ with laughter.

" _HEHAHAHA! HEHAHAHA_ HAAAAAA! _MY SIDES!_ MY SIIIIDES!" Bartolomeo howled, tears gushing from his eyes.

"It c-couldn't have happened—PFHAHAHAHA!—to a worse asshole, PFFHAHAHAHAHAAA!" I cackled.

" _I m-must agree here,"_ T-Bone gasped, obviously wheezing in an effort to get enough air in his lungs. " _I have been w-w-waiting for that_ literal _son of a bitch—_ FAHAHAHA!— _to get comeuppance for the last twelve years!"_

It took a good three minutes for us to get ourselves under control enough for Tsuru to speak again.

" _Alright, that's all the news I have from the top presently. Is there anything more to discuss this evening?"_

A few seconds of silence.

" _Eh, I may as well say that I've collected a few more crews for our cause,"_ Foxy said with a shrug. " _Also, there seems to be some suspicious activity going around the base of one Captain Moore. Isolated away from any civilian dwellings, ideal for corruption to fester."_

" _Suggestion noted,"_ Tsuru said, and a slight sound of scratching came across the connection.

" _I can assure you that I will be bringing a high recommendation of the New World Masons to my superior,"_ Marigold added. " _I cannot promise yet that they will join due to our… circumstances, but I believe that whatever resources we can safely offer are at your disposal."_

"Which _is_ a big deal," I confirmed with a sage nod. I then snapped my head up as a thought struck me. "Oh, and speaking of extra resources, good news: I met Dragon, and we're officially allies of the Revolutionary Army now."

The silence was deafening.

"… _all in favor of not questioning this turn of events and merely rolling with it?"_ Jonathan suggested.

" _AYE,"_ was the unanimous chorus.

"Heh. Honestly, _I_ don't feel comfortable thinking about it too hard, so I'll agree there too," I snickered before clapping my hands together. "Alright, if there's no further business, I move that we bring this meeting of the New World Masons to a close."

" _Seconded,"_ Smoker agreed.

A few seconds in silence passed.

" _Motion carried,"_ Apoo stated. " _I'm looking forward to the next time I can hijack the SBS, Cross! KA-LICK!"_

" _Cheers to a new world, Cross. KA-LICK!"_ Marigold and Bartolomeo departed. And one by one the connections dropped, until the only one speaking through Soundbite was the snail himself.

"So, who exactly is Cobra?" Vivi asked as she confirmed that the connections were gone.

"Boa Marigold, the youngest of Boa Hancock's two sisters," I replied, to much widening of eyes. "And yes, I mean Boa 'the only female Warlord and the most beautiful woman on the six seas' Hancock. Suffice to say that the only reason she's a Warlord is that her contract with the Government is the only thing keeping them from raiding her island; the Boa sisters have more justifiable hatred against them and the male gender than even you can imagine."

Nami raised her finger and started to speak, but promptly lowered said finger and snapped her mouth shut. "I'd ask, but then I remembered what was lying behind the _last_ time I asked, and I'd rather _not_ have nightmares, thank you very much."

My other confidants nodded in agreement with varying amounts of desperation.

I shook my head free of those thoughts as I looked back out at the sun, nearly setting, and I felt a smile grow on my face. "…hell of a view…"

I was shaken out of the wonder by a small tug on my pant leg, prompting me to look down at Merry's smiling face. "And I wouldn't be here seeing it without you," she whispered happily.

"Or _me,"_ Vivi sniffed haughtily, as she stepped up to me, before looking to the side with a blush and a grin as she rubbed her finger under her nose. "Though… honestly, I think that the positives are outweighing the negatives at this point."

"What they're saying is that you've been making a difference, Cross," Zoro explained with a roll of his eyes. He then donned a glare when Nami thwapped him upside the head, wearing a cheeky grin of her own.

"And what _this_ lug is saying," she chuckled. "Is that we're all happy you're here, Cross."

"NOT ME!" Soundbite denied, not very convincingly. " _If it weren't for you, I'D HAVE HIT IT BIG_ **in showbiz!"**

"But instead, here you are slumming it with us, huh?" I needled with a smirk of my own.

"… _ **bah. When you put it like that,**_ **I suppose it COULD BE WORSE,"** Soundbite whistled to the side in an oh-so-innocent manner.

I chuckled as I patted his shell, watching the sun sink all the while. "Don't ever change, Soundbite."

" _Not even if they paid me, Cross._ _ **Not even then."**_

 **-o-**

The six of us watched the sunset from the lip of the fountain until it vanished over the horizon, then headed back to the base for a casual night, followed by a casual day, and another casual night; the only occurrences of any noteworthiness during that time were Zoro picking out a new sheath for Funkfreed and Merry finally growing strong and stable enough to move without her crutches, though it'd be a while longer before she was capable of full-on running.

Then, on the morning of our seventh day since escaping Enies Lobby, Zambai and a visibly exhausted Paulie woke us up early to inform us that the new ship was finished. Needless to say, within the hour all twenty-one of us were assembled on Scrap Island, facing a massive structure covered with a massive tarp, held by two-thirds of the remnants of Tom's Workers…

 **-o-**

"Nagagaga! I wasn't about to miss the chance to do this!" Kokoro chuckled, standing alongside Iceburg and ready to tear off the tarp at a moment's notice. "After all, the last time I was a part of an unveiling like this, it was for old Jacky himself!"

"Woohoo!" Luffy whooped eagerly, all of the implications of the moment lost as he jumped from foot to foot with ill-repressed eagerness. "New ship, new shiiiiiip!"

Luffy wasn't alone in his eagerness, either (big surprise). Everyone else on the crew was just as eager as him, though the degrees to which they were showing it varied, from Chopper's equally starry-eyed squealing to Zoro's stoic smile.

Still, even in the midst of all the anxiety and fervor, Conis still had enough wits about herself to glance around with a thoughtful look. "I'm sorry, but shouldn't we wait for Franky? I mean, he did build this new ship, right?"

"No way! If he's not here, that's his problem! I'm too eager for you all to see big bro large and in charge to wait!" Merry squealed, bouncing for joy on Funkfreed's newly-plate-mail-armored head, said armor having been acquired courtesy of his brand-spanking new sheath.

"Eeeasy there," the elephant-sword chuckled, centering Merry on his head with a poke of his trunk.

"I'll admit, I'm pretty eager myself," I breathed, already soaking in the covered form before me with awe. "My memory's a little bit fuzzy, six months of wear and tear and all, but one thing I'm _positive_ of?" I shook my head slowly. "The ship that _I_ remember was _not_ that big."

"Heheh, yeah," Merry laughed into her hand. "Franky _was_ gonna make him smaller, but once he heard how many of us there are and once _he_ got some say-so in matters, he told Franky one thing and one thing only!" Her grin widened to the point that it was visible even with her hand in place. " _Big."_

I nodded numbly as I took it all in. "Yeah… he hit that mark…"

"This is gonna be _eeeepiiiiic,"_ Mikey whispered softly as he eagerly rubbed his hands together, his reaction mirrored between the rest of the crew's Dugongs.

"Enough waiting, show us our ship already!" Luffy roared, throwing up his fists in impatience.

"Heh, well, if that's how you feel…" Iceburg nodded in knowing agreement. "With Franky gone, I'll just have to unveil this ship to you in his place. And I have to say, it is _quite_ a ship. My eyes lit up when I beheld the blueprints for this ship, and for good reason. This ship is truly incredible, capable of—!"

"Oh, will you shut your trap already!?"

"Wha—?"

 _THWACK!_

"GAH!" Iceburg yelped when a pair of small feet slammed into his face and knocked him aside.

"Dynamic Entry!" Merry proclaimed as she stuck her landing, none the worse for wear after Funkfreed had flung her at the foreman, apparently at her prompting. She then flashed a pair of victory signs with a large grin. "Merry Edition!"

Nami promptly levelled a flat glare at me. "I blame you."

I donned a massive grin of my own as I flashed my own victory sign. "I accept that blame with _pride!"_

"What the hell was that for, you brat!?" Iceburg demanded as he shot up into a sitting position, pinching his bleeding nose shut.

"You were taking too long!" Merry stuck her tongue out at the man before grinning at us. "And Big Bro's getting impatient, so without further ado?" She grabbed the hem of our new ship's cover. "I give you none other than my brand-spanking-new Big Bro!"

And the amusement and bemusement amidst the crew faded into nonexistence as we beheld the spectacle that Merry unveiled.

" _AWESOME!"_ the Kiddy Trio and TDWS exclaimed.

Boss bowed and shook his head with a chuckle. "Truly," he breathed out a proud cloud of smoke. "A ship capable of fulfilling all manner of Man's Romances."

"Hmph," Zoro smiled honestly. "Now that's a _big_ ship."

"Incredible…" Robin breathed, lightly thumbing her stetson's brim up.

"THE KITCHEN! I NEED TO SEE THE KITCHEN RIGHT AWAY!" Sanji declared.

"It's magnificent!" Conis gasped, clasping her hands before her chest.

"I'll second _that!"_ Su nodded her head emphatically in agreement.

"Even I'm impressed, this is amazing!" Lassoo panted eagerly.

"I've seen the battleships of Marineford, and this blows them clean out of the water!" Funkfreed trumpeted.

"Forget Marineford!" Vivi squealed, stars shining in her eyes. "Over half the ships that show up to the Reverie pale in comparison, and those carry _kings!"_

"Ah'll second _that!"_ Carue squawked as he snapped his wing up in salute.

"… **the** _ **GOD OF NOISE…**_ _has been left_ SPEECHLESS," Soundbite gaped in awe.

And in all honesty, I couldn't blame my partner, seeing as I was right there with him; double the budget and add a ship-whisperer into the development, and the result was… well. It was definitely the Straw Hat Pirates' second ship, the design was unmistakable, but in form? It was an entirely new beast that stood before me.

The first and most obvious distinction was the third mast sitting in the middle section of the ship sporting furled square sails, part of a _distinctly_ longer middle deck that gave the ship a leaner, sleeker look than the canon vessel. The mizzenmast on the rear deck had been adjusted, too. The arms of the mast were now parallel with the length of the ship instead of perpendicular, and I think the sails were different too? Sue me, I'm not a maritime expert. They'd adjusted the bow, too; the lion figurehead was now on the end of a longer extension sporting additional sail lines, and the entire bow was more sharply curved forward. And… I squinted at the form of Iceburg standing next to the ship. I think it might have been a bit higher above the water, too.

The overall effect was a ship that wasn't just fifty percent heavier, or so Iceburg informed us, but that also just plain _looked_ faster than the admittedly kind of squat and tubby canon ship. It wasn't as inviting, but it made it look a bit meaner, so overall I think it was a bit of a wash in that department.

My inspection done, I leaned over to Nami, who was still doing her own examination. "So, what kind of ship is this, exactly?"

"I'm pretty sure it's a three-masted barque," she absently replied. There was a momentary pause, and then she grinned the sunniest grin I'd seen on her face in a long while. "It is! Oh, this is perfect! I was a bit worried they'd give us a ship-rigged tub, but this'll turn circles around most Marine ships! And we'll definitely have enough people to man the rigging, I was worried about that, too! Ohhh, I can't _wait_ to get at the helm and take her for a cruise!"

"IIII'll take your word for it," I chuckled, feeling a drop of sweat run down the back of my head. "Anyway, though, before we go onboard, I think we should give our newest crewmate his name."

"WHAT?" Merry's attitude spun around immediately as she shot a stern glare at me. "Cross, unveiling him without Franky being here is one thing, but to not let the one who conceived him have any part—!"

"If my memory is accurate, the name he set his heart on is 'New Battle Franky, Lion Gang Champion'," I said, most certainly _not_ with a smirk.

"…Right, then! Let's give big bro his name before we go onboard!" Merry cheered, her attitude completing its revolution, albeit with a _way_ more rigid smile.

"That should be easy!" Usopp smiled eagerly as he turned towards me. "Cross, in the story, what—?"

"USOPP!"

"Gah!" our sniper yelped when Luffy suddenly shouted.

"We can't just ask Cross for the ship's name," our captain informed him. "He only knows the name that a crew just like ours asked. If we choose the same name, fine, but _we_ have to choose it _ourselves!_ We're not just gonna steal it from them!"

"Well…" Usopp bowed his head in admonishment, before smiling confidently at Luffy. "Well in that case, what names do you have?"

Luffy crossed his arms and tilted his head to the side, smoke all but visibly wafting up from his head as his mental gears ground against each other. And then his head popped up with a grin, a lightbulb practically shining over his head.

"Black Bear Polar Bear Lion Tiger!"

There was a hard silence as everyone stared at him before Usopp clapped his hands. "Right, anyone else?"

"Oh, oh!" Vivi waved her hand eagerly. "How about… the 'Grace of Sekhmet'?"

"Denied!" Merry sang, popping her hand up. "Big bro's a _boy!"_

Vivi's face flushed as she slowly lowered her head. "Oh… yeah… _right…"_

"Still way better than Luffy's suggestion…" I muttered.

"Like _that's_ hard…" Carue muttered beneath his breath.

"Super Wolf Gorilla Bear!"

We all ignored the rubber-man in favor of waiting for someone else to speak up.

"How about…" Conis tapped her chin thoughtfully before pounding her fist in her palm with a satisfied smile. "Fluffy McFluffmeister? That sounds fierce, right?" She waited for a moment before glancing around in confusion when nobody said anything. "What? What's wrong?"

Su slapped a paw to her face with a moan. "Ohhh _honey…"_

"Next!"

"How about 'Big Boss Lionel'?" Zoro volunteered.

"I suggest Monsieur Sunflower," Sanji contributed.

"Dandelion Lion Dandy Unbearable Bear!" was Luffy's contribution.

" _WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THREE!?"_ Usopp roared incredulously.

"Better question: what isn't?" Lassoo snorted.

"Alright, that's it, silence from the Monster Trio!" Merry barked, exasperation battling with how she looked to be three seconds from busting a stitch.

Honestly, I had to agree with Merry on this one. Those names were so bad that even our _ship_ was sporting a sweatdrop of its own. Or maybe that was just ocean spray, hard to tell. Then Robin opened her mouth.

"Do _not_ say 'Being of Darkness'," I warned her. She promptly tilted her hat down and glanced to the side with a whistle as many of the crew turned to stare at her.

"… 'Nostromo', then?" she suggested.

My head bounced as the sheer _weight_ of that name struck me.

"I'd go for 'Ishimura' myself!" Boss proclaimed with a stab of his cigar.

"Agreed!" his students barked eagerly.

My head bounced even _harder_ from that one.

" **Tsk! Amateurs, THE LOT OF YOU!"** Soundbite sniffed imperiously. " _ **Clearly**_ _**our beloved vessel deserves**_ _one name and ONE NAME ONLY!"_

I shot a glare at Soundbite out of the corner of my eye. "Don't you dare. Don't you _fucking—!"_

" _ **ALL HAIL THE ENTERPRISE!"**_

 _WHAM!_

Aaand _that one_ was heavy enough that I outright face-faulted.

"Captain?" I growled into the dirt. "My patience is rapidly wearing thin… as is the integrity of my skull."

"Okay," Luffy nodded. "Merry? What does our ship want to be named?"

"Doesn't work that way," Merry deadpanned as she waved her hand before her face. "We name him, he doesn't have any opinion either way except that it not be terrible."

"Oh…" Luffy slowly nodded his head in understanding.

"Hmm… oh!" Chopper snapped his head up as an idea came to him, eagerly grinning at me. "Cross, you can't tell us what the other crew named their ship, but it's alright if we come to the same name on our own, so… can you tell me what _led_ them to choose that name?"

Luffy perked up with a grin at that. "Hey, that works! I'm with Chopper! Come on, Cross, what was it?"

"Ah…" I hesitated for a moment, glancing around at the crew and confirming that everyone was giving me their consent before looking at the ship before us and searching my thoughts for a good way to word this. And then… and then I had it.

I grinned as I jerked my chin dead ahead. "If you want an answer," I drawled. "Then just look to his mane."

All eyes turned toward the figurehead, staring at the orange spikes that composed its mane. For a few seconds, they just stared. Then I smiled as I saw understanding come into their eyes, lighting them all up one by one.

The second everyone got it, I spread my arms wide. "Ladies and gentlemen," I proclaimed proudly. "Allow me to introduce you all to the second and hopefully _final_ ship of the Straw Hat Pirates! The ship that will carry us all to the shores of the isle of Raftel! The ship that is destined to carry us across the sunny waters of a thousand seas. Please welcome…" I swung my arm at the ship's figurehead. "The Thousand Sunny."

The _instant_ the words left my lips, a wave struck the ship and caused it to rear up in the water, a groan, no, a _roar_ echoing out from every plank of wood that composed him.

"…I am _so_ in love with this crew," I breathed.

"And he _really_ loves that name!" Merry cried as she literally jumped for joy.

"Shishishishi!" Luffy laughed happily. "Then the Thousand Sunny it is!"

"Tch," Zoro grumbled. "I still say that Big Boss Lionel would be better…"

"Denied!" Boss immediately interjected. "There's only one Boss on this crew and he likes his cigars thick and his enemies _powerful!"_

"Well, _I_ certainly like it…" Nami said with a smile. "Sunny…"

"Full approval here!" Usopp and Chopper cheered as they shot their hands up.

"AGREED!" the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad leapt and shouted as one.

Conis nodded her head politely. "Pleased to meet you, Sunny."

"Ditto!" Su cheered in agreement.

"Looks to me like everyone's as happy with the name as he is!" Funkfreed remarked.

"Well, if that's the case, then there's only one thing left to do!" Merry proclaimed.

The ship-girl rapped her fist on the nearest part of Sunny's hull she could reach, and a rope dropped down from the rigging in response. She then wrapped the rope around her arm and gave it a firm tug. Now, the rope dropping could have been a coincidence, but the rope yanking Merry up and onto the deck's railing? _Not_ a coincidence.

"Come on!" Merry cried, waving her arms eagerly. "I'll give you all the grand tour!"

I blinked stupidly as I tried to figure out what the hell I'd just seen. "…well, shit."

"Nagagaga! Well, _that's_ certainly not something you see every day!" Kokoro laughed uproariously.

"What the—?! How!?" Iceburg demanded. "I never saw anything like that in… the…" Iceburg's eyes then widened in realization, his jaw dropping like a stone. "…all those times you snuck off during construction…"

"That's ri~ght!" Merry sang, swaying side-to-side as she stuck her tongue out. "Big Bro Franky was technically a part of the crew by the time everyone hit Enies, so I picked up some shipwrighting from him, and while we were building Big Bro I hid tons and tons of tricks and gimmicks all around his body, and only _I_ know how to work them! Cool, huh?"

"Considering how I actually got to know you while we were building Thousand Sunny?" Iceburg swallowed heavily as he eyed the ship-girl. "'Terrifying' might be the more appropriate term."

"Just be glad she's on our side!" Kokoro chuckled, knocking back her bottle.

I took that as my cue to not pursue the subject. "Right, then!" I said eagerly. "Given most of my knowledge is now completely null and void, what say we go ahead and look at our new home?"

Luffy had rocketed himself to the deck long before I finished speaking, and the rest of the crew barely waited before we were all running towards the beautiful barque. A few ropes and rubber lines later, and we were standing on one of the Thousand Sunny's key features, canon and now.

"THERE'S A LAWN!" Luffy laughed eagerly, he and the rest of the Kiddy Trio plus Lassoo throwing themselves onto the grass and rolling around in bliss.

"You've just made yourself a friend of sea-faring dogs the world over!" the mutt-cannon panted ecstatically.

"Forget the dogs, I'm in _heaven!"_ Su cheered as she shot to and fro about the lawn. "So much vearth, so much green, and I'm going to be _living_ on it!? Woohoo!"

"And trees, too?" Funkfreed breathed in awe as he chowed down on a few leaves from one of said trees. "This is… wow."

"You can _definitely_ say that again…" I replied. And I meant it too, because 'wow' was the only conceivable word for the Sunny's mid-deck. The canon version had been impressive enough, but _this?_ A field of greenery that was _twice_ as long and half again the width, and this was all on a _ship._

And the size wasn't the only obvious difference in the deck, either.

"Oh, what's this?" Sanji whistled appreciatively as he looked around the structure he'd entered. It was a pavilion, erected in the center of the deck between the main masts, though closer to the second. It was a simple thing, really: ten feet tall, eight wide and about sixteen long, and raised on a deck of wood. Overall, it looked like a wall-less—if well-maintained—shack.

Currently, Sanji was occupied with the central feature of the pavilion: an empty rectangular bar, erected in the center of the building. "So…" he mused as he ran his hand over the bar's countertop. "I take it that this place is meant to be a picnic area or something like that?"

"Even better!" Merry proclaimed, stomping her foot in the grass. Said stomp caused a section of the floorboards in the the center of the bar to part open, and allowed a table of metal to rise into sight. It's purpose was unclear only until the air above the metal started to shimmer, joined by a few trails of smoke.

Sanji was practically _drooling_ as he took it in. "An outdoor _hibachi grill…"_

"More than just that!" Merry sang. "Hey, Conis!"

"Hm?" the Skypiean said, looking over from where she'd been watching Su clamber about one of the trees. "What is it?"

"Oooh, nothing much," Merry giggled. "I just wanted to show you…" She stomped the grass again, causing the grill to retract and a number of metal walls with metal sheets over them to rise and fill the whole bar area. Yet another stomp and the sheets sank… to reveal all of the weapons she had brought with her hung up and arrayed in style. "Your own personal _armory!"_ Merry proclaimed as she swung her arms out.

"Oh, wow!" Conis breathed in awe, before hesitating slightly. "Ah… but Merry, even if those weapons are hidden below the deck… is it really such a good idea to have them all out in the open like this?"

"Already thought of that~!" Merry sang, and with yet _another_ stomp, a quartet of walls shot up and properly sealed the armory, with a plain old hinged-door in the side allowing for easy entrance and exit. "Voila! Ready to weather the worst that the elements can throw at us!"

Sanji pushed the door open and poked his head out with an impressed whistle. "This'll _definitely_ be handy. For _many_ reasons."

"Glad to hear it!" Merry nodded before turning to at Lassoo and Funkfreed. "This place'll also be you guys' sleeping quarters, special cases for the both of you to snooze in. Sound good?"

The Zoan-weapons exchanged glances before nodding contentedly.

"Does to me!" Funkfreed replied.

"Sure as heck beats sleeping on my stomach!" Lassoo chuffed.

"Great!" Merry said, beaming. "And don't worry, I'll teach you guys how to work the pavilion's controls, so that you can operate it yourselves. Oh, and Conis!" She jabbed her finger at the gunner. "There are also a ton of controls all throughout Sunny that work the cannons, aiming them and firing them and all that, so I'll teach you how to work _those,_ too. Fair warning, it'll be a _lot_ of work. You think you're up for it?"

Conis didn't even _hesitate_ to pump both her fists in a clear show of readiness, steam all but shooting from her nostrils and her eyes shining. "Of course!"

"And don't worry, she won't be alone either!" Su cried, leaping onto her owner's shoulder. "One is good, two is better!"

Merry grinned. "Alright, I'll start showing you the ropes once we're on our way! Oh, and speaking of which…" She rapped her fist against the primary main mast (the one with the weight-room/crow's nest), and another rope with a handle at the end dropped down. She looked at me and pointed to the rope, grinning. "Just give that a yank and it'll take you straight to the radio room! Fair warning, you're gonna wanna hang on _tight!_ "

I exchanged eager grins with Soundbite before jogging over to the line, grabbing it firmly and giving it a hard yank.

One arm-straining and utterly _exhilarating_ ride later, I was perched on the roof of the crow's nest. I was a bit confused at first, but then Soundbite indicated a trapdoor in the roof that I was… _pretty_ damn certain hadn't been there in canon. So, I popped it open, dropped through, and entered my personal radio room.

Apparently, Franky and Merry had installed a makeshift attic in the weight room, which they'd converted into where I was now. Admittedly, the room was kind of plain at first glance: a slot on the wall designed for my transceiver, a large swivelling chair beside a desk, a perch with a bowl nearby where Soundbite could sit and nom on whatever the heck he wanted, and a bed (Franky's definition of a cot, I'm sure) at the other end of the room. That was about it, though. Eh, it made sense, I suppose, I'd have to decorate on my own time.

" _Kind of a—_ WHOA, _**what the—?"**_ Soundbite cut himself off as he noticed his voice echoing. I looked more closely at the walls, and then I recognized that thanks to the angle and design, they'd bounce any sound that came from near the chair. I grinned; with Soundbite's powers, that had serious potential.

"This is _sooo_ cool…" I breathed.

" _I know, right!?"_ Luffy agreed.

I started in shock as Luffy's voice came from the desk. I approached the desk, slid the top back using a handle I'd located—

" _WHOOOA,"_ Soundbite gaped.

I felt my jaw drop almost to the desk as I took in the large collection of pipe-like tubes arranged like a piano, each one labeled for a different place on the ship. Then, looking up, I saw that I had missed what was _behind_ the desk: a collection of pipes that made the desk look more like a freaking _pipe organ._

Acting on a hunch, I pressed one of the keys for the deck and spoke up. "Hey, can anyone hear me?"

" _Cross?"_ Zoro's voice came out of the corresponding pipe. " _The heck, did you get Soundbite's powers or something?"_

" _Nope!"_ Merry piped up from… another pipe. " _He just found the ship-wide comms system I put in his room! Lets him hear everything across the ship, and spread his voice everywhere, too! Neat, huh?"_

" _But ain't dat wat Soundbite's fowah? Heheheheh—!"_ Carue's snickered through the pipes.

" _Oh, so you mean you_ want _Soundbite to keep his monopoly on all things auditory?"_

" _Heheh—_ squawk!"

" _ **Hmm…"**_ Soundbite hummed thoughtfully before cocking his head to the side. " _ **BAH. I SHALL BE GRACIOUS ENOUGH**_ _TO GRANT YOU ALL_ THIS TRESPASS UNTO MY DOMAIN!"

" _Glad to hear it, my liege! Now, hurry up and zipline down the rope I've got set up over the crow's nest! I wanna show you guys the helm!"_

My partner blinked in confusion. " **Huh? The helm? WHY?** _What could be so special about_ THAT?"

As it turns out, quite a bit.

"Pirates and piratesses, allow me to present to you," Merry proclaimed in a grandiose manner as she swept her arms before her. "The nerve center of Big Bro Sunny!"

And it certainly _looked_ the part, without a doubt. Rather than a pedestrian wheeled helm with a lever next to it, Sunny's helm was affixed to what I can only define as a U-shaped dashboard that, despite the low-tech look of the dizzying array of levers, switches, winches, and buttons, would have been right at home in a Mecha anime. Add in the number of hand-brake style levers lined up next to the wheel-proper and the pedals _below_ the wheel, and it was just…

"Wow," I repeated numbly.

Merry grinned eagerly as a rumbling groan ran through Sunny. "Big Bro _really_ likes how much that's been said about him!"

"Hrm…" Nami hummed as she leaned around the panel and thoroughly examined it, her clouds swaying around it but never actually touching it. "This all _looks_ impressive, sure, but… what exactly does it all _do_?"

"Weeell…" Merry began with a grin.

And what followed was a complex series of gestures and jargon that I will spare you readers the difficulty of muddling through. When she stopped speaking, I looked at my crewmates. Soundbite's eyes were spinning, Robin was frowning in a clear attempt to keep up, and everyone else was either staring blankly or asleep on their feet.

Nami, meanwhile, was practically _vibrating_. " _Really?"_

"Uh-huh!" Merry nodded with just as much eagerness. "Ain't it cool?"

"I think all of us normies agree that it would be cooler in _English,"_ Raphey deadpanned, Mikey's subsequent snore serving to underline her point.

Merry shot a sidelong glare at the dugong before sweeping her arm over the dashboard. "All of these controls here," she drawled. "Are capable of operating every line, every sail, every timber…" She then donned a more bloodthirsty smile as she flipped a toggle.

 _TH-THWACK!_

"AGH!" "OUCH, DAMN IT!"

"And every pulley," Merry snickered as she watched the pair of dugongs nurse the brand new lumps they were sporting. "On Big Bro Sunny. Sure, there are odds and ends everywhere in the woodworks, but this here is the master enchilada, _way_ more impressive. You like?"

"Worth every last beri we paid," Nami breathed. Most everyone present developed sweatdrops; the last time she had been this excited was when she saw the pillar back on Upper Yard, and Robin was already surreptitiously preparing a dope-slap. However, the arm on Nami's hand evaporated when she suddenly blinked the beri-signs out her eyes. "Eh? Wait a second… hey, Merry, I just realized: none of these controls are actually _labeled."_

Hearing that, the ship-girl flinched and refused to meet anyone's gazes as she scratched her blushing cheeks. "Eh… r-r-really… i-is that so, huh… w-well then, I suppose that it'd be best if the person operating it were…" She glanced at Luffy sheepishly. "Someone who knew Big Bro Sunny… inside and out?"

Luffy's response, of course, was to smile. Only unlike usual? This was a smile not of amusement, but rather one that was wholly and undoubtedly _kind._ "We wouldn't have anyone else at Sunny's helm, Merry."

Merry instantly snapped out of her funk with a massive grin before snapping her attention upward, her expression changing yet again to show a more solemn smile. "Thanks, Captain. But before that, there's… _one_ thing I need to take care of real quick."

With that, she flicked one of the dashboard's toggles, grabbed the rope that swung into reach and, with a tug, was yanked up onto the top of the crew's nest. A glance at Soundbite was all that was needed for him to amp her.

"We've got one last thing we need to do before Sunny can really be our ship!" she proclaimed, digging her hand through her coat and withdrawing—

"Is that our spare flag?" Usopp asked, drawing down one of his lenses in order to better scrutinize the black cloth that Merry was holding.

"Nope." Merry shook her head with a sad smile, drawing her coat open and indicating the emblem on her chest. " _This_ is our spare flag. What I'm holding…" She held the flag to her chest, tears shimmering in her eyes. "It's the original. I… I can't bear it anymore, not with all my damage, and… and I'm g-gonna miss it…" She was silent for a moment before smiling contentedly. "But… I'm alright with that. I'm alright because I know… I _know_ that the next person to bear it is going to do it and do it _right._ So…"

And so, with almost reverential slowness and care, Merry tied her flag— _our flag—_ to Sunny's flagpole, keeping it bunched up once it was secure. The second the deed was done, however, she re-donned her usual grin and gazed back down at us. "And now…"

She stamped on the crow's nest and let the flag loose at the same time, and both the flag _and_ Sunny's main sail snapped into full view as one. And with Merry's coat still open, it was a trinity of skulls that smiled down at us.

"I'm proud to announce!" Merry cried, her fists planted on her hips. "That as of this moment, the second ship of the Straw Hat Pirates, the Thousand Sunny, and the helmsgirl, 'White Menace' Going Merry, are _officially_ reporting for duty!"

Luffy grinned, as did the rest of us. And after the moment passed, I spoke up again. "Now we just need to get Franky here so that the Thousand Sunny can have his maiden fli—!"

 _CLONK!_

"Ow!" I winced, rubbing the spot Merry had handily landed on before chuckling sheepishly as I realized what she was glaring at us for. "Ah… maiden voyage, I mean."

"Much better!" Merry chuckled before blinking and glancing around in confusion. "But… ah… now that I think about it, Big Bro Franky _is_ pretty late. What the heck is keeping him?"

"Ohh, nothing much," I said with a smirk. "He's just laboring under the delusion that he's not coming."

Merry stared blankly at me before cocking her head to the side. "…I'm guessing you have something in your head to fix that particular bit of stupidity?"

The grin I donned was swiftly mirrored by her, by Luffy, aaaand by pretty much everyone else on the crew.

 **-o-**

Nine minutes later, the streets of Water 7 were filled with civilians, their eyes and mouths open wide as they stared at the vulgar display going on. Some were simply averting their eyes. Some were trying and failing to look away. A few were even wiping nosebleeds. One notable old woman was yelling angrily at a small group of children, pointing towards the chase and telling the children not to follow her finger.

Naturally, this led to them disobeying and laying eyes on the Franky Family as they fled, holding a blue speedo like a flag, and their boss, naked from the waist down, charging furiously after them.

"YOU STUPID SONS OF BITCHES!" Franky roared, swinging his fists like pistons as he ran. "GIVE ME BACK MY SPEEDO, _RIGHT GODDAMN NOW!"_

"KEEP RUNNING!" Zambai shouted in contradiction, pushing himself to run as fast and as hard as he could to keep ahead of his big bro. "I KNOW THIS HURTS—!"

"AND _IS_ GONNA HURT IN IN A LOT OF WAYS IF HE CATCHES US!" Kiwi added.

"BUT THIS IS FOR HIS SAKE!" Zambai forged on. "WE GOTTA KEEP RUNNING, EVEN IF HE KILLS US!"

"YOU DAMN—! Wait a second…" Franky screeched to a halt and glanced around at the surrounding neighborhood, causing his family to stop dead as well. "The way we're going… _oh ho hooo…"_ the cyborg shook his head with a chuckle. "Smart. You're all gonna catch _hell_ for this later on, but still, smart. And this whole thing would'a worked, too… if not for one _iiiity_ bitty thing."

The three brains of the Franky Family exchanged wary glances before looking back at their leader. "Oh, yeah?" they asked uneasily. "What's that?"

Franky grinned malevolently as he dug through his vest. "Well, after hanging around with the Straw Hats for a while, I've learned a thing or two about having back-ups in place. As such, while I was out getting the Adam Wood for the Straw Hat's ship, I also got…" He whipped something out and held it proudly in the air. " _This!"_

All the Franky Family could do was gape in horror at what their boss was letting wave out.

"Oh, shit…" Zambai breathed numbly.

"He outsmarted us," Kiwi moaned. "How is that even possible!?"

"How did we not think that he could do this?" Mozu cursed.

"OH, COME OFF IT ALREADY!" Franky bit out indignantly. "IS IT _THAT_ CRAZY TO THINK THAT I COULD BUY A _BACK-UP_ PAIR OF SPEEDOS!?"

"HELL YES!" the Franky Family shouted back.

The rest of the onlooking public, meanwhile, had a slightly… _different_ opinion. Namely?

"JUST PUT THE DAMN THING ON ALREADY!"

Franky winced as a tin can bounced off his temple. "Alright, alright, eesh, keep your shirts on…" And with that, the cyborg lowered the swimwear, prepared to step into it—

"YOINK!"

"GAH!" And was nearly yanked off his feet when a blur shot past him and snatched the speedos out of his hands. "What the— _HELL!?"_ Franky sputtered incredulously as he caught sight of a certain tyke riding a certain reindeer holding his speedos down the street. "REINDEER-BRO? _MERRY!?_ WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?"

"TEACHING YOU THAT IT AIN'T SMART TO BE _STUPID!"_ Merry shot back. Her smirk then widened as she held up the speedos next to her mouth. "Still though, good choice. Is this spandex I smell or—?"

" _ **If you eat that, I'm pumping your stomach!"**_ Chopper snapped over his shoulder at her.

Merry pouted as she stuffed the speedos in her jacket. "Spoilsport…"

Chopper shook his head in a long-suffering manner before looking back at Franky. "Anyway, if you want your speedos back, _come and get us!"_

Franky ground his teeth furiously, and seemed about two seconds away from doing just that, up until his family finally got their act together and produced the Fire Anything Cannon, rolling it towards the cyborg. Said cyborg _tried_ to move away from it—

"Eisen Tempo."

" _GAH!"_

Only for a massive fist of clouds to snatch him up and hold him high in the air in spite of his frantic flailing. Franky only had a second to catch sight of the serenely smiling second mate waving at him before the clouds not-so-gently decided to stuff him down the barrel of the cannon head-first.

"I assume you can handle the rest," she asked, dusting her hands off as her clouds jabbed Franky as far down the barrel as they could manage.

"You're damn right we can!" Zambai swiftly responded before snapping out orders at the rest of the Franky Family. "Come the hell on, everyone! Put your damn backs into it! Raise the barrel! _AIM FOR SCRAP ISLAND!"_

"IF YOU SONS OF BITCHES FIRE THIS THING, I'M GONNA—!"

 _BLAM!_

"—YEEEOOOOW!" was the last thing that was heard as Franky was suddenly sent flying.

Nami whistled as she shadowed her eyes in order to better watch the cyborg soar. "Nice shot."

"I'm no expert, but I'm very impressed by the top-spin I'm seeing," Chopper mused.

"Ya know what really gets me?" Merry added, tilting her head thoughtfully. "For a guy who's visibly top-heavy and is mostly metal, Big Bro Franky's surprisingly aerodynamic."

"Hmm…" Nami hummed in agreement before waving her hand. "Well, c'mon, we'd better hurry and get back to the Sunny with his undies; unless we have those hostage, he'll probably just run off again."

"Right," Chopper nodded, and no sooner looked at the nearest canal than three Yagara bulls swam up, offering their backs. "So, you guys think you can get us there before Franky pulls himself together?"

The grins splitting their faces were simultaneously reassuring and worrying.

 **-o-**

The rest of the crew, myself included, watched as the proof of our crewmates' success crashed into a mountain of wreckage. With all of the experience I'd had with my captain's ham-handedness, I couldn't keep from wincing in sympathy. But I couldn't fight down a grin either.

Admittedly, there was a bit of a scare when our friends didn't get back before Franky arrived, but thankfully the cyborg must have happened to clock his head against a particularly thick piece of ship, because he was still stuck and twitching in the pile by the time the Union got them back. _Un-_ fortunately, however, that meant we had an… extended period of time where Franky was stuck. Headfirst. Showing off his… _bottom half_ to everyone watching. And going by the screaming and shouting coming from the city, that was a _lot_ of everyone.

Urgh… some moments of the journey are glorious, but _others…_

Finally, Franky shoved himself out of the junk pile just as our away team got back onboard. The cyborg spent a second blinking around in confusion before smirking as he caught sight of the Sunny. "So, you bastards actually got me here, huh? Well, while I'm here… Hey, Straw Hat! Whaddaya think of the ship, huh? Have you checked out—?"

"Cram it, Franky!" Merry interrupted, levelling an acrid glare at him. "You know that Big Bro Thousand Sunny is perfect! If you've got anything you wanna show us, why don't you come up here and do it yourself!?"

"Ah," Franky flinched uncomfortably, scratching his chin as he pointedly looked away. "That's, ah…"

"But hey," Merry shrugged innocently as she dug what I could only assume was Franky's speedo out of her coat. "Don't take it from me…" She grinned as she tossed the undies to our captain. "Take it from _him."_

Luffy accepted the undergarments with a wider grin than _anyone_ in his position should have and waved them in the air as proudly as our flag. "FRANKY!" he bellowed. "IF YOU WANT YOUR SPEEDOS BACK—Oh, hey, these are _soft,_ do you have any—?"

" _LUFFY!"_

"Right! IF YOU WANT THEM BACK, THEN YOU NEED TO ACCEPT YOUR PLACE ON MY CREW! WHAT DO YOU SAY?"

"…What do I say?" Franky slowly bowed his head with a chuckle. "Well, in a situation like this, where my only options are my pride or my decency…"

"Oh, lord…" I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose, because I could already _tell_ where this was going.

"THEN I SHALL LET MY PRIDE STAND PROUD!" Franky howled as he struck the most revealing pose he could. "EVEN AS I STAND NUDE!"

I winced as a renewed round of screams started up from the city. "Damn it all, Franky, _this_ is why I can't start up the SBS yet!"

"Do we _weawwy_ need him on owah cweh?" Carue groaned as he peeked at the spectacle through his feathers.

"Whoa!" Luffy gasped in astonishment. "I underestimated his determination!"

"Indeed!" Boss declared with a grim frown. "Truly, I did him a disservice in our earlier duel. For never did I suspect for an instant, that in truth…"

The two snapped their heads up with tears of pride. "TRULY HE IS A MAN AMONG MEN!"

 _SLAM!_

"WHAT THE APOPHIS IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO!?" Vivi howled as she bounced the pair's skulls off the deck.

I shook my head in despair at the display, and I _prepared_ to address the commando-cyborg, but then my attention was diverted by the _very_ familiar sounds of brawling behind us. I cast a flat look at our second and third strongest. "Alright, I'll bite: what set those morons off _this_ time?"

" **SANJI WAS DISGUSTED BY FRANKY FLASHING** _ **the women of Water 7,"**_ Soundbite drawled. " _While Zoro was impressed by HIS SENSE OF_ SHAME. OR **MORE ACCURATELY, his lack thereof.** "

I rolled my eyes before raising my voice. "FRANKY! You know my secret, so you know that I know what I'm talking about when I say this: _you do not want to keep being stubborn!_ The nuclear option hurts like hell, for everyone involved!"

Franky looked at me, and seeing my expression, he actually hesitated. And then…

"…make it fast, Robin," I muttered, looking away from the full moon—no, the _shaking_ full moon—I got for my troubles and slapped my hands over my ears.

"Hmm… _no,"_ Robin said, grinning coldly as she crossed her arms over her chest. " _Dos Fleur…_ _ **Grab."**_

What happened next… there are no appropriate onomatopoeia to describe it. No stock sounds for the action itself, nor any appropriate simile for the expression of _noise_ Franky belted out as a result.

But still, I didn't need to describe the noises of the… the _crime against man_ going on behind me to feel a throbbing _pain_ in a place that should never hurt so bad.

"…OK, _now_ I'm legitimately scared of her," Zoro muttered.

"US TOO!" four of our five guards yelped fearfully.

"SOMEONE SNAP A PICTURE!" laughed the fifth.

" _ **Hell, I don't even**_ HAVE THE GEAR _AND_ _ **I'M**_ _HURTING!"_ Soundbite groaned.

"I AGREED TO BE A MERC WEAPON TO AVOID THIS EXACT SITUATION!" Lassoo yipped as he scrambled for cover.

"Ah! Robin, we still want him to be a man when he joins us!" Luffy protested.

"Oh, don't worry about that," Robin reassured him with a far-too-pleasant smile. "Even if they do happen to detach, I'm certain that Chopper could reattach them."

" **FRANKY!"** Chopper screamed as he snapped into his Heavy Point. " **HURRY THE HELL UP AND GIVE IN ALREADY! I HAVEN'T HAD TO TOUCH ANYONE'S SHAME IN MY ENTIRE TIME AS A DOCTOR, AND I DON'T WANT TO START NOW IF I CAN HELP IT!"**

"I… I can't…" Franky gurgled around the mouthful of foam he was choking on. "I… I have to stay here… I really… wouldn't mind going with you, but… I can't be your shipwright… I gave that up a long time ago… this ship… the Thousand Sunny, was it? It's the last… I'll ever make… the best ship the world over… that means my dream is fulfilled, so—!"

"So what, ye damned _scrap-lubber!?"_ Merry barked back, slipping into her buccaneer drawl in the process. "Don't ya realize yer only thinking of yerself, ya darned fool!? If ye _really_ care about Sunny so much, then ye'd think about _his_ feelings too! 'Cause where shipwrights be concerned, the only lubber he wants working on him be _ye,_ ye cola-addled buffoon!"

"I… but I… that's…" Franky shook his head frantically as he worked his way to his feet.

"Franky."

The cyborg snapped his head around at his fellow apprentice. "I-Iceburg?"

"I just have to ask you," Iceburg said, dry as the deserts of Alabasta. "Do you think for even a second that Tom ever blamed you for what happened that day? Do you think that _I_ ever blamed you?"

"You blamed me for a lot of shit, Ice-for-Brains!" Franky snapped.

"Don't change the subject, Flunky," Iceburg snapped right back. "My _point_ is that after all this time, after all you've done for this city and this people, the only person who blames you, who would _ever_ blame you for what happened, is you and you alone! That's why you're chaining yourself here, why you're refusing to go live your dream! When in fact—!" Iceburg choked off slightly before looking away with a sigh. "You should have forgiven yourself a long time ago."

"I… that… _AGH!"_ Franky hunched over with a sudden cry. "It hurts… _it hurts!"_

"AND IT'S GONNA KEEP HURTING UNTIL YOU GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!"

Franky popped his head up with a confused blink. "Say wha—?"

 _THWUMP!_

"GAH!" Franky yelped when he was suddenly bowled over by a duffel-bag that was half his weight. "The hell—!? My go-bag? Where'd this come from?"

"FROM US, BIG BRO!"

He snapped his gaze up to the broken bridge to the city, where the Franky Family was out en masse and watching him tearfully.

"YOU… YOU BASTARDS!" Franky raged as he shook his fists. "STEALING MY SPEEDO!? _KICKING ME OUT OF MY OWN DAMN HOUSE?!_ WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, YOU'RE _ALL_ IN FOR A WORLD OF HURT!"

"WE'VE ALL HEARD THOSE WORDS BEFORE, BIG BRO!" Zambai hollered back. "WE'VE ALL SAID THEM BEFORE, EACH OF US, WHEN YOU TOOK US IN! WHEN YOU DRAGGED US IN OUT OF THE COLD AND FORCED US TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER! WE ALL KICKED AND SCREAMED AND FOUGHT, BUT YOU DID IT ANYWAY! AND NOW…" Zambai hastily wiped away his tears so that he could roar in full. "NOW, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS, WE'RE DOING THIS FOR YOU, BIG BRO! SO THAT YOU CAN BE HAPPY TOO!"

Franky trembled as he stared up at them, mouth agape. Then, without warning, he keeled over again, squirming on the ground and howling like a wounded animal. "OWOWOW, IT _HUUUURTS!"_

I spared a glance at Robin to confirm that she was leaning against the railing with a contented smile. "So," I deadpanned. "How long did you hold him?"

"Just one squeeze," she chuckled. "And it wasn't even that hard. He's quite the actor. Although…" She tapped her chin as she glanced upward "I suppose he _could_ be sensitive due to his size. Tell me, do they get more or less sensitive the—?"

" _NOT HEARING THIS!"_ I cried, slapping my hands over my ears.

"IT _HURTS! IT HURTS SO MUUUUCH!"_

That, however, I did hear, and I turned around to catch sight of Franky pounding the ground in frustration. "But… But if I'm gone…" he wailed. "What… What'll happen to you?!"

"We'll be fine, Big Bro!" Kiwi cried tearfully. "You helped us all get stronger, remember!?"

"We can take care of ourselves!" Mozu sobbed. "We'll miss you, and it'll hurt… but we'll survive, just like you taught us!"

And it wasn't just those two, either.

"We'll miss you, Big Bro! Be safe!"

"We'll always be your family! You'll always have a load of little bros cheering for you, all the way!"

"Stick it to those World Government bastards, right where it hurts!"

"PUT THE DAMN SPEEDO ON, YOU EXHIBITIONIST PERVERT!"

"You… You bastards…" Franky shook his head in despair. "It hurts… _it hurts…"_

I smiled endearingly as I leaned on the railing to get a better view "Ahhh… I could watch this forever…"

"MAYDAY, MAYDAY! _THE UNION SAYS THAT WE'VE GOT_ **MARINES INCOMING!** _ **AND THEY'RE PACKING BACKUP!"**_

"Or not…" I sighed, hanging my head, before flinching back when most of my crew shot glares at me. "I'd hoped that we'd saved enough time to be out of here by now, sue me! And, ah, lemme guess." I glanced at my snail. "Aokiji's on _his_ ship too?"

" _NOT EVEN CLOSE!"_ Soundbite choked on his own tongue. " _Wrong rank_ _ **and number!"**_

My blood ran cold as I connected the dots. "Vice Admirals?" I whispered hoarsely.

Soundbite slowly turned his shivering eyes on me. " _ **A HALF-DOZEN PACKING BATTLESHIPS,**_ **to be specific."**

"FRANKY, GET YOUR NAKED ASS ON THIS TUB RIGHT NOW BEFORE WE ALL GET AN UP-CLOSE AND PERSONAL MEETING WITH DAVY-FREAKING-JONES!" I howled frantically.

Everyone hastily began moving to their own assigned positions. Luffy, of course, threw Franky his speedo, and after a moment of hesitation, the cyborg snatched it out of the air.

"What the hell!" the iron perv laughed. "If you're all kicking me in the ass so hard, I might as well go with it! ALRIGHT! MOVE THE HELL OVER, STRAW HATS, 'CAUSE YOU'VE JUST GOTTEN YOURSELVES A _SUPER_ SHIPWRIGHT!"

All of us spared enough time to _briefly_ celebrate at said shipwright _finally_ managing to get over himself, but when he began a slow and _very_ dramatic walk, I shot a glare and spun my finger at my captain. He pouted a bit, but nevertheless, ten seconds later we had a very stunned and even _more_ naked Franky lying face-down in the grass.

"Say your long-winded and snot-filled farewells on the SBS on your own damn time, numb-nuts!" I ordered. "Because unless we get out of here yesterday, we're going to test Adam Wood against a certain _Hero's_ Meteor Fist! _And my bet ain't on the wood!"_

"Tch, heartless sonnuva—! BAH, FINE!" Franky promptly snapped up into one of his many poses. "LET'S BLOW THIS POPSICLE STAND!"

"AGREED!" the Kiddie Trio and TDWS concurred as they mirrored his poses.

"I resent that!" Iceburg called up casually.

 _SLAM!_

"AND I RESENT THAT THIS PERVERT STILL HASN'T COVERED UP YET!" Vivi raged as she stood above the suddenly downed cyborg, both her fist and his newly acquired lump smoking profusely. "PUT 'EM ON BEFORE I _WELD_ THEM ON!"

Two seconds later found him hastily struggling to work his way into his speedo. "And she needs will-powered cheating to make people do what she wants, _why?"_ he grumbled.

"Because fate loves fucking with us, that's why!" I answer. "Anyway, you can complain and call it the bullshit that it is later, but right now, _we need to get the hell out of here!"_

"On it!" Merry cried, hitching a rope ride to the helm, hopping onto a footstool that she got to rise in front of the wheel and grabbing hold of the spokes. "Nami! The log!"

Nami didn't even hesitate to snap her wrist up to her eyeline. "We've been set for the past two days! Turn the prow 68° starboard, north-northwest!"

"Turning the prow 68° starboard, north-northwest!" Merry parroted as she spun the helm appropriately. Then, without missing a beat, she pulled a pair of levers, spun a few winches, and brushed a couple of switches. The result was immediate and impressive: sails dropped down, the twin anchors raised, the rigging adjusted itself, the ship itself turned to face the open sea; In less than ten seconds, Merry had singlehandedly accomplished work that previously took six or more of the crew, and the ship was underway.

I shot a heady grin at Soundbite as the Sunny started to turn. "We have our heading…" I whispered energetically, already starting to feel my blood buzz beneath my skin as we finally-finally- _finally_ returned to the roaring high seas, better than ever.

" _Heeheehee_ _ **hohoho, yea—**_ **ERK!"** Soundbite suddenly choked and spun his eyes a full 180. "AHHH… _NOW WE ONLY HAVE TO_ _ **SURVIVE LONG ENOUGH**_ **to actually** _ **follow it."**_

Dreading what I was going to find, I jogged over to the railing, leaned over the edge, and caught sight of the better (or worse, from our perspective) half of a Buster Call rounding the edge of Water 7.

"Hooo, now _that's_ not a sight I was looking forward to seeing again any time soon…" I breathed.

"—three, four, five, SIX!" Usopp shouted from where he'd clambered up into in the rigging. "WE'VE GOT SIX BATTLESHIPS INCOMING, AND EACH OF THEM HAS A VICE ADMIRAL ON THE DECK! And is that… _grk!"_ Usopp choked and flinched fearfully. " _THE GUY LEADING IT IS YOUR GRANDPA, LUFFY!"_

"WHAT!?" Luffy screamed in panic, instantly shooting over to my side and nearly bowling me over the edge in the process. " _Oh-crap-oh-crap-oh-crap—!"_

"Luffy, please—Oh screw it, **Luffy, calm down!"** Vivi ordered. Her eye then twitched when she was summarily ignored. "For the love of—! _**Shut up, Luffy!"**_ The princess sighed in relief as our captain's tongue was suddenly glued to the roof of his mouth. "Better. Now, _please_ calm down, Luffy. I realize that your Grandfather is a scary… a very, very, _very_ scary man, but he's still your family! How bad could it possibly be?"

"Going by how the old bulldog looks like he's about to pop a vein or ten?" Mikey called down from where he was hanging upside-down in the rigging by his tail, staring through a pair of binoculars he'd snatched up. "I'd say pretty damn bad!"

Vivi's gaze fell flat as Luffy started running around like a headless chicken again. "Raphey."

Mikey looked up (down) from his binoculars with a confused blink. "Wait, wha—?"

SWISH! _THUMP!_

"GWAH!" Mikey yelped when the rope he was hanging from suddenly split and dropped him onto a _wooden_ part of the deck.

"Don't be an idiot, dipshit!" Raphey snickered as she reaffixed her oversized shuriken on her back.

 _THWACK!_

"YEOW!" the pink-bandanna'd dugong flinched as a pulley swung down and cracked her upside her skull.

"DON'T HURT BIG BRO SUNNY, DIPSHIT!" Merry roared from the helm.

I turned my gaze away from the crew scrambling around and getting Sunny ready for his maiden voyage and turned back towards the Blue Curtain of Justice that had taken up a portion of the horizon. After a moment's watching, I blinked as I realized that I could just barely make out a figure I'm 95% sure was Garp, judging by the white and the… wild gesticulating? Wait…

"Hey, how come the old coot isn't using his megaphone?" I asked no one in particular.

Soundbite responded by _somehow_ popping a vein on his shell. " **He's assuming that** _ **I'LL HANDLE THAT**_ **MYSELF.** _WHICH ISN'T FUCKING HAPPENING, BY THE BY!"_ The last phrase was bellowed for all to hear.

I nodded, and frowned at the snail. "And… are all of them wearing ear protection?"

" _Ah…"_ Soundbite blinked in confusion. " _The lesser ranks are, but_ _ **the Vice Admirals aren't?**_ **And they're not reacting to my** BLASTING THEIR EARDRUMS FOR SOME REASON?"

I rolled my eyes with an exasperated tsk. "Haki, ever and always such bullshit. But hey, he wants to sling shit?" I smirked as I dove my hand into my bag. "Then I'll damn well _sling._ Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to be so abrupt, but the fact of the matter is that I'm assuming that by now most everyone manages to pick up on the first ring." My grin wavered slightly. "Aaand our situation is just a _tad_ desperate right now, so we're starting straight out the gate. And speaking of starting! My name is Jeremiah Cross, and it's time—!"

"— _EVEN THINK ABOUT STARTING THE SBS, I'LL TWIST YOUR HEAD CLEAN OFF YOUR SCRAWNY NECK!"_

My eyes twitched. Repeatedly. "So. It's not enough that people stop me from starting the SBS on purpose, but they have to do it by accident, too."

"I DON'T CARE IF THAT WAS _AN ACCIDENT,_ _ **that bastard cut me off!"**_ Soundbite snarled. " _ **I'LL SUE YOU, OLD MAN!"**_

" _JUST TRY IT, SNAIL! I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT RIGHT BEFORE THEY PUT YOUR SLIMY ASS DOWN!"_

"SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU SENILE SONNUVA BITCH!" I roared, balancing on the railing as a number of hands shot out of woodwork and held me in order to keep me from overbalancing. "I'LL PUNT THE _TAPIOCA_ OUT OF YOU, AND MAKE SURE YOU CAN'T SIT DOWN FOR BINGO FOR _WEEKS!"_

A tense silence fell for a few moments. Then…

"… _Right, screw it. Luffy, you're all gonna die here at sea. I'd say sorry, but where your third mate is concerned, I'm pretty sure I'm doing the world a favor. GET ME MY METEORS!"_

I returned everyone's blazing glares with a flat stare. "The hell are you all getting pissy for? He was gonna do this either way, I just cut through the senile jibber-jabber. 'Sides, you all heard him! He threatened Soundbite!"

The glaring exchanged looks for a few seconds, and ultimately, they decided to let it drop. "So, now what?" Boss asked.

"Now he's going to try sinking the ship using the Monkey family special: sheer brute force."

"Meaning…?" Sanji trailed off uncomfortably.

"Meaning _duck and freaking cover!"_ Funkfreed trumpeted, stabbing his trunk into the soil and snapping into his blade-point.

We all had a bare moment to brace for impact—

 _KA-BLAM!_

When a section of Scrap Island's coast suddenly detonated and sent us a-rocking.

Conis slowly slat up with a dazed and _very_ terrified look in her eyes. "And he caused that by _throwing_ the cannonball!? But-But that's _impossible!"_

"Which is something that adolescent Conis can confirm!" Su chuckled.

"Yeah, well, if you want _my_ opinion?" I groused before sticking my head over Sunny's railing. "HEY GARP! YOU THROW LIKE BRETT FAVRE, AND TRUST ME, THAT'S NOT A—GAH!"

" **SHUT! THE! HELL! UP! AND! STOP! TRYING! TO! GET! US! ALL!** _ **KILLED!"**_ Vivi raged as she wrung my neck and repeatedly bounced my head off the lawn. Good news, though: the grass made the impacts softer! Didn't stop the oxygen deficit, though.

"You seem to have officially exhausted your daily limit for provoking people who could kill you with one finger, Cross," Robin chuckled morbidly as she leaned over me.

"Grggkh…" I choked out in response as I tried to pry the snapped-Princess off of my neck.

"Uhh… guys?" Zoro spoke up with honest curiosity. "Does anyone have an explanation as to how or why the old-timer gave his ship an afro?

"WHAT?!" Boss exclaimed, he and the TDWS snapping their attention towards the ship. He stared for a moment before sagging. "Oh, that's a let-down, that's just a giant cannonba—HOLY SEBEK THAT'S A GIANT CANNONBALL!"

"Grgh-r-ri-GRK! Vivi! Off!"

A wordless snarl was my only response, and then Eisen cloud wrapped around her waist and Nami herself went for her fingers.

"Down, girl," Nami said soothingly as she slowly pried the digits out of my throat. "Save it for when he gets _really_ bad."

It took one more shake, but the princess finally released her grip on me. "This is _not_ over," she swore testily.

I shuddered at the _promise_ before snapping my attention over towards the prow. "Merry, Franky, fire up the—! Ahhh, wait a sec!" I snapped my attention back to my mic. "Sorry, viewers, I'm going to have to take a break here. The SBS will return in a few minutes!"

So saying, I placed the mic on the cradle, to much confusion and surprise, which I responded to with a simple smirk. "What? This isn't the first time I've shown that I'm smart enough to not blow our secret weapons to everyone. Now, I'd suggest that all of you hang onto your everything, because you're about to experience the first of many, _many_ utterly amazing and unique talents that the Thousand Sunny has to offer."

"Ah, yeah, speaking of which," Franky paused mid-stride. "Is that name set in stone? Because if not, I've got a—!"

" _Move yer bleedin' arse, ye iron arse-brain!"_ Merry barked.

"Right!" Franky yelped, hastily ducking under the deck.

" _TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY, DAMMIT!"_ Garp shouted as he threw the… uh… wow, Oda's art didn't really capture the scale, did it? Swear to God, in that moment it looked as big as the moon.

And it was… getting…

" _ANYTIME NOW,_ _ **GUYS!"**_ Soundbite hollered.

"AS CROSS SAID, HANG ON TO YOUR EVERYTHING!" Franky's voice yelled out from belowdecks. "BUT MOST OF ALL!? _HANG ONTO YOUR UNDERWEAR! COUP DE…"_

"CAPTAIN! Do the thing I had you do at Navarone, hurry!" I said hastily.

"Eh?" Luffy glanced at me before grinning massively. "Oh, right, that! Soundbite?"

" _ **YOU'RE**_ **good!"**

"HEY, GRAMPS! OTHER MARINES!" Luffy laughed back at the rest of the fleet pursuing us. "YOU GUYS'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS AS THE DAY YOU _ALMOST_ CAUGHT MONKEY D. LUFFY—"

" _BURST!"_

"AND THE STRAW HAT PIRA—"

 _BOOM!_

"— _AAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!"_

"PFHAHAHAHAAAAAA!" I whooped eagerly as I hung onto the lawn for dear life. And honestly, that was _all_ I could do. Because then and there? The wind whipping past us, the very clouds streaming around and over our ship… there was only one word for it all. "WE'RE FLYING AGAIN! WOOHOOHOOHOO! THIS IS AWESOME!"

"BEST! SHIP! EVER!" Luffy laughed.

"YOU KNOW IT, CAPTAIN!" Merry cheered, hanging on to the helm like a small and overly-eager flag.

"I definitely like it!" Zoro said, cackling into the wind. "He's got spirit, lots of it!"

"Of course he does, that's how I built him!" Franky replied from his control rom.

"TO GO THIS FAR, THIS FAST, ALL AT ONCE!?" Boss puffed his chest with pride as he stood upon the railing. "SO MANY WORDS… BUT AT THEIR CORE, TRULY!" He leapt up- "A MAN'S RO— _GWAH!"_ He winced as he was pancaked into a wall by the air pressure. "…unwise, but still. A MAN'S ROMANCE!"

"GO, BOSS, GO!" The TDWS concurred.

Everyone else, well… it was a mix of relief, awe, and excitement, to varying levels.

I looked around at the sea zipping past us before flinging my head back with a laugh.

"PFHAHAHA! IN CASE I HAVEN'T SAID IT ENOUGH?" I shouted into the the wind. " _I SERIOUSLY_ LOVE _THIS CREW!"_

 **-o-**

Most of the Marines assembled at Water 7 spent the moment gaping after the sight of the Straw Hat Pirates escaping them by flying. One or two of the Vice Admirals were grumbling about not seeing it coming after Enies, and as for Garp himself?

"…tsk. Shiki did it better," he muttered, unable to stop a proud grin coming over his face. "But I shouldn't have expected anything less from my grandson."

" _Fleet Admiral Sengoku is not going to be happy about this, Garp,"_ reported Vice Admiral Dalmatian from nearby. " _So unless you'd like to experience his recently shortened temper for yourself, I recommend that we take some initiative while we're here and handle the seceded nation of Water 7."_

Garp's grin faded, and he scoffed as he side-eyed the Vice Admiral across ships. "Yeah, great idea, kibble-breath. Only one nice big _hulking_ problem with it."

" _And that would be?"_ Dalmatian snorted, wisely deciding to _not_ argue with the Hero of the Marines concerning his nicknaming practices.

Said hero picked his nose with his pinky as he jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "The question of what army we'd use. Ya know, against _theirs?"_

Attention turned away from the speck that the Straw Hats' fleeing ship had become over towards the island of Water 7.

More specifically? Towards the hodge-podge armada that had boiled out from the island's many docks and piers. Nearly a dozen ships the size of their own battleships formed the center, from three gargantuan grain haulers with holes cut in their sides to the four-deck, purpose built _Royal Charles_ originally intended as a vanity project by a South Blue kingdom. All bristled with enough cannons to make even the turret crews nervous.

Flanking this force on all sides were smaller ships of all sizes ranging from race-built frigates to rowboats with a single gun sticking out over the bow. And at the front was the oddest collection of contraptions any of the officers save Garp had ever seen. A tin can on a smoking raft, gleaming in the sunlight and two wide muzzles poking out. Flat barges lugging squat, rounded mortars or organ-like rocket launchers. One small schooner carrying a gun longer than the ship itself. Another that appeared to be entirely inflatable. A third with three odd tubes sticking out of the foredeck.

Hell, there was even an entirely _circular_ ship wobbling to and fro on the water with a pair of cannons stuck on almost as an afterthought.

And those were just the guns on the _boats._ Scrap Island, meanwhile, was suddenly bristling like an angry metal porcupine with stray cannon muzzles.

" _Ahem, excuse me?"_

All attention turned to the middle of Scrap Island, where Mayor Iceburg had a megaphone raised and the best shipwrights on the island beside him. While they were staring down the battleships with narrowed eyes, Iceburg was content with a relaxed smile.

" _Attention, Marines,"_ he called over. " _You are currently in restricted waters. Kindly vacate the premises at your earliest convenience. Should you_ fail _to vacate, well…"_

 _B-B-BOOM!_

The Marines jumped as a _half-dozen_ explosions sounded out across the local waters, sending up plumes of water _dangerously_ close to what the crews of each battleship knew to be the weakest parts of their hulls.

" _I cannot promise your safety. After all…"_ Iceburg tilted his head _just_ a tad to the side. " _There could be any manner of_ accidents _if you get too close to shipwrights' working areas."_

While the rest of the Vice Admirals blustered and stiffened, Garp regarded Iceburg for a minute or so before heaving a sigh when, just for a moment, he saw a flash of one of the largest (and most yellow) fishmen he'd ever met. "Generation xeroxing left and right… when the hell am _I_ going to get my clone in another body, eh?"

"Ah, Vice Admiral, sir?"

Garp glanced over his shoulder at Coby, who was holding a salute with an ill-hidden grin. "Your orders, Vice Admiral?" he requested.

Garp stared at him for a second longer before shooting a smirk dead ahead, rubbing a finger under his nose. "Asked and answered… Coby!"

"Sir!"

"Spread the word to reverse course and make for the Tub Current. We came here for the Straw Hats and we failed. Someone else will handle Water 7. For now?" Garp spun on his heel and marched towards the raised superstructure of his ship. "We're headed home."

 **-o-**

After the rush of the Sunny's first Coup de Burst wore off—a Coup de Burst that apparently took _five_ barrels of Cola due to the increased size of the ship—the entire crew stood on the deck as I restarted the SBS.

" _He-llo, everybody, and welcome back to the SBS broadcast, episode 4-9-3!"_ Soundbite cheered in a British accent.

"…I'm sorry, what?" I questioned, too puzzled by the oddity of the snail's statement to be upset about him stealing my line. "I don't think we've even had _one_ hundred broadcasts yet."

" **EH,** _ **two references in one.**_ _493 IS THE END_ **of generation four,** _ **SINCE THIS IS THE END OF THE FOURTH LEG!"**_

I thought about that, and nodded. "Alright, that makes sense. And the second?"

" _More obscure reference to a sponsor."_

"Sponsor?" I blinked in confusion. "We don't _have_ sponsors."

" **Eh?"** Soundbite blinked right back. " _ **No duh we DON'T HAVE SPONSORS,**_ **THE HELL ARE YOU—?!"**

"MOVING ON!" I barked hastily as I pegged onto what had just happened. "As you'll recall, we last left off while escaping from our Marine pursuers, through means which we will _not_ be disclosing." I grinned cheekily. "Need to keep _some_ surprises in reserve, dontcha know? And now that we have a moment of peace, it's time for us to properly celebrate the result of our journey. As such, I gracefully cede the mic to our captain, who is about to propose a toast."

"RIGHT!" Luffy grinned, raising his mug. "I remember how to do this from Shanks! Ah, let's see… To the safe return of Robin!"

Robin smiled politely as she knocked her frothing mug with mine.

"To the new life of Merry!"

"LET'S GET KEEL-FACED!" the ship-girl roared as she raised her _pair_ of extra-large mugs. Apparently, a benefit of being only partially human was an insanely high tolerance for alcohol.

"And to our newest crewmates: Franky—"

"The _SUPER!_ shipwright of the Straw Hats!" said cyborg bellowed, doing his usual pose.

"—and our new ship, the Thousand Sunny!" Luffy finished.

A gust of wind hit us at _just_ the right angle to elicit a roar from Sunny.

"He just said 'bring it on!'" Merry provided.

All present (with the necessary appendages) raised their mugs alongside Luffy as he raised his own.

"EVERYONE!" Luffy cheered. "HERE'S TO THE NEXT ISLAND! AND TO ALL OUR ADVENTURES TO COME! _KANPAI!"_

" _KANPAI!"_ we cheered in unison.

"And here's to us actually getting to _relax_ a little in the meantime," I whispered to Robin under my breath, getting a giggle in response.

 **-o-**

As the SBS went on, the old man didn't bother hiding an earsplitting grin, nor did he attempt to stop the tears of joy that streamed down his face.

"You kids are something else," Mekao whispered. "To see a Klabautermann is rare in itself. To speak to one is even more mythical. But to have loved your ship that much… so much that your new one is part of your family from the day of its birth…"

Mekao shook his head and turned back to his fellow shipwrights. Eight days ago, no matter how much he spoke about the right way to treat ships, they had always shrugged it off with amusement. Now there wasn't a single soldier among them who didn't hang onto Mekao's every word.

The grin on his face was starting to hurt as he raised his bottle. "This is legitimate cause for celebration! To the crew who truly loves their ship, who truly loves them in return! To the crew who has reawakened the world's understanding of how to take care of their seacrafts! To the Straw Hat Pirates: may their impossible works never cease!"

"Kanpai!" the soldiers shouted in agreement before knocking their drinks back with him.

 **-3 Weeks Later-**

"Mayor Iceburg!"

The mayor looked up from the blueprints that he had been perfecting and poring over for almost a month now, staring up with a curious frown at the one who had called him. "What is it, Oimo?"

"We just got word from our bosses! They'll be arriving here in an hour or two."

An ear-to-ear grin stretched Iceburg's face. "Excellent. Gather everyone together, I'll want to make my proposal straightaway. Oh, and can you handle the blueprints?"

Oimo guffawed as he took the pages from Iceburg and left, planning to gather the few other giants who had arrived at the island before the Ogres. Iceburg, at the same time, began gathering together every last member of the Galley-La Company for what was easily the biggest, hardest, and most rewarding project that they would ever undertake.

 **-o-**

Naturally, the two ogres had parked their palm-log raft at the small plain where pirates had usually docked. After all, that was where the best ale could be had. Or, well, something _similar_ to ale.

"This 'beer' is interesting," Dorry rumbled, taking a sip from the barrel he was holding. "The 'hops' give it a faint bitter tone that works surprisingly well."

"Bah!" Broggy scoffed, rolling his own barrel back over to Dorry and grabbing a different one. "Give me regular ale any day of the week, rather than that horse piss you're drinking."

"Horse piss?" Dorry repeated, shooting a glare at his long-time rival and partner. "Care to say that again?"

"Of course I—" Broggy began, only for a loud cough to catch their attention. Both of them glanced down to Iceburg lower his fist from his mouth and shoot a flat stare at the both of them.

"I think I speak for a lot of people when I say we'd rather you _don't_ get in another century-long honor duel," he blandly stated.

Both giants had the good grace to look sheepish at that. "Ah, Oimo told us you had a proposal for a ship for the new Giant Warrior Pirates?" Dorry said, faintly flushed in embarrassment.

"I do," Iceburg stated. "For your payment as well, seeing as you undoubtedly don't have any coffers left either."

"Damn looters raiding all our gold stashes…" Dorry spat to the side.

"Damn rats _eating_ the rest…" Broggy concurred before casting a grateful gaze at Iceburg. "We'll take whatever charity you can offer us, Mayor Iceburg."

"Trust me, this isn't charity," Iceburg assured him. "Though before we begin, I'd prefer to wait until Oimo returns with the blueprints—"

As if on cue, Oimo and Kashi picked that moment to land on the plain from where they'd jumped off the city walls, quickly jogging up to where their captains were.

"Mayor, I brought the blueprints!" Oimo eagerly reported.

"And I convinced the rest of the giants not to go starry-eyed until _after_ we complete our business!" Kashi added.

"Thank you both," Iceburg said. "Now we can begin. I assume that you are all familiar with our plight where Aqua Laguna is concerned?"

"Of course," Dorry nodded sadly. "We knew this city many generations ago. You've managed to improve it over the years, but…"

"A lot of good bars and districts have sunken beneath the waves…" Broggy sighed remorsefully. "It's really a sad thing."

"Oimo, the blueprints, please."

The giant grinned, and produced the giant-sized pile of design papers that he and Kashi had helped draw for his two captains to look over. And despite them not having much expertise in the way of shipbuilding, they understood what they were looking at in an instant. And their jaws subsequently dropped.

"Converting an island… into a _ship…"_ Dorry breathed.

"Pretty ballsy, huh, bosses?" Kashi chuckled.

"Pretty _nutty,_ I'll say!" Broggy shot back. "And hell, even if it _does_ work out, there's still the issue of time and resources! This is gonna cost ten different kinds of bundles, _and_ you'll be long dead before this is ever completed!"

"And, normally, I'd be alright with that," Iceburg nodded in concession. "But in recent weeks… I've become aware of an alternative. An alternative that will save us, in your own words, 'ten different kinds of bundles.'"

"Oh, yeah?" Dorry cocked an eyebrow. "What?"

"Not what, Boss, who!" Oimo corrected.

"And by who, he means _us!"_ Kashi nodded.

The Giant Warrior Captains exchanged confused glances before looking back at their subordinates. "Come again?"

"Over the course of the past few weeks, your men have been helping us repair the devastation that CP9 left in their wake." Iceburg explained. "The damage was extensive, and normally would have required months to repair in full, but thanks to the aid of but two giants, capable of doing the work of at _least_ a hundred men apiece on an incredible scale, Water 7 is already back on its feet in a fraction of the estimated time."

"Hrm…" Dorry scratched his chin thoughtfully. "And that was with the aid of only two giants… and seeing as we'll be gathering our crew both new and old _here…"_

"So, basically," Broggy picked up. "You're saying that you'll let us work off our debt by helping you renovate the city, is that it?"

"That's part of it, but not all of it," Iceburg replied. "You see, now that we've seceded from the World Government, we're going to be in constant danger from pirates and the world government alike. Our civilians are used to leading… _interesting_ lives, comes from living in the Grand Line, but they still have their limits. Hence, protection will be an ever-present issue, even with all of the shipwrights on the island cooperating, and then there will be the issue of properly _crewing_ a vessel the size of Water 7… as you can see, there are a host of issues."

"Issues that could be solved, once again, by the involvement of giants," Broggy nodded slowly.

"So, we lend you our crew to crew this island, you build us our ship?" Dorry guessed.

"Something like that…" Iceburg nodded slowly, before donning a confident grin. "Only on a more permanent and, shall we say, _mutually beneficial_ set of terms."

It took a full minute after the mayor finished, but the realization struck like thunder when it hit.

"…So, you're asking us not only have our crew help convert this entire _island_ into a ship…" Dorry began.

"But then to _use Water 7_ as _our_ pirate ship?" Broggy finished.

"In broad strokes, with many finer details to be hammered out, most important of all the safety of our civilians over the course of your adventures… but in essence, yes," Iceburg responded. "So, do we have a deal?"

The giants exchanged looks. There was silence. More silence. And then it broke.

"GEGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYAGYA!/GABABABABABABABABABABABABA!"

"Dorry!" Broggy managed to get out as he clapped hand on his friend's back hard enough to cause tremors. "I'm currently of the opinion that in our absence, the world has gone _completely insane! GABABABABA!"_

"I agree completely, Broggy!" Dorry guffawed just as uproariously, clutching his gut as he shook. "And I'm currently of the opinion _that I love it! GEYAGYAGYAGYA!"_

"I'll take that as a resounding 'hell yes'," Iceburg chuckled as he removed a flask from his back pocket and raised it in a toast. "Very well, then! Let us drink to our newly minted arrangement!"

"To the Giant Warrior's future ship, the Water 7!" Dorry swiftly raised his own giga-sized bottle.

"And to the ones who even made this arrangement possible to begin with, the Straw Hat PIrates!" Broggy finished with his own bottle. "May they enjoy equally good fortune in their adventures, wherever they might be!"

 **-o-**

"You have _got_ to be fucking kidding me…" I growled acridly, balancing my chin on my fists. The _reason_ for my foul mood was the sub-zero _ice pit_ that not only I, but the _majority of my crewmates_ , found ourselves in.

"Captured, after how far we've come," I spat. "By a bunch of two-bit, half-rate, half-wit _filler villains._ This. Is. _Bullshit."_

"You seem… unhappy," Conis deduced from where she was sitting across the cell.

"Of course I'm unhappy!" I snapped, throwing my arms up in the air. "I mean, at least this isn't Rain Dinners all over again—"

"We beg to differ!" Nami and Zoro bellowed from where they were hanging from their ankles by a pair of frosted-over chains, their arms secured behind their backs.

"But I'm still pissed that we got _tricked_ in here!"

"You mean you're upset at yourself for not seeing this coming," Usopp retorted, his chin on his own fists as well.

I pursed my lips and lowered my hands. "Well, you're not _wrong…"_ I snapped my head up with a growl as I slammed my fist into the frozen wall. "But I'm not entirely at fault, either! This bit was called the 'Ice Hunter' arc for a reason: the Accino family controls this _entire_ iceberg field. I only ever saw a _fraction_ of their playbook, and they were _way_ more on the ball than I thought was possible! Plus…" I shook my head darkly. "They were, to reiterate, _filler villains._ By the time I remembered that they were going to be gunning for our Jolly Roger _or_ that the Phoenix Pirates were under their heel, it was too late!"

"Sounds like a bunch of excuses to me," Sanji drawled as he took a drag from his cigarette.

"Oh, fuck off, lover boy!" I snapped. "I didn't see _you_ Diable Jambeing that ice-skating skank when you had the chance!"

Despite the cold, Sanji's last cigarette still ashed in an instant. "Why, you—!" He _tried_ to leap at me, but he was yanked up short by the leg-irons he was sporting.

"Well, least there's a bright side," Franky piped up as he idly shifted around in the mass of chains he was all but mummified in.

"What _possible_ bright side could there be in this case?" Nami twisted her head around so that she could properly glare at the cyborg.

"Well, Luffy's still out there, so—!"

"—a piece of meat! Oh, a piece of meat! Oh, a piece of meat!"

Soundbite and I slowly shared an uneasy glance as we heard Luffy's voice approaching above us. "Why do I feel like I've heard this bit before?" I asked in great trepidation.

 _THWAP!_

I stared at the newly-cooked piece of meat that had just landed in the center of the pit before knocking the back of my head against the wall with a defeated sigh. "Look out above."

"Oh, a piece of mea— _WHOA!"_

 _THUMP!_

I regarded our captain with a dry stare. "Hello, Luffy. What brings you here?"

"Hey, Cross!" Luffy responded as he munched down on the steak he'd dove down to get before glancing around at the rest of the crew in confusion. "I found a trail of meat leading into here from the cold! What're you doing here?"

"Getting mani-pedis at the Ice-Hole Holiday Inn," I snarked. "What does it look like?"

"Like you all got captured," Luffy nodded, before jerking in realization. "Ah! You're all captured!"

"Quaaa…" Carue drawled in tired resignation.

"Well, don't worry!" Luffy nodded confidently as he started winding his arm up. "I'll get out of here real quick, and then I'm gonna—!"

 _CLANK!_

" _Hurl…"_ Luffy collapsed to his knees with a groan.

"Yet another perfect slapshot, Hockera! Well done!" a boisterous voice guffawed from on high.

"It's all in the wrist, Campacino, all in the wrist!"

I glared up at our captors for a second before eyeing the new collar my captain was sporting. "Well, perfect, now we're seven for seven on incapacitated ability-users."

"Mrph…" Soundbite mumbled murderously around the metal muzzle he was sporting.

"Trust us, Cross…" Robin groaned from the corner of the cell she was sitting in, her hat angled over her eyes. "This isn't pleasant for us either."

"They must have custom-made these things to have higher seastone-to-steel ratios than normal…" Chopper wheezed, splayed helplessly out on his stomach. "It feels like we're all dunked in the ocean… Heck…" He waved his hoof at the chained up gun and sword in the pit. "Lassoo and Funkfreed can't even change back from their weapon forms…"

"Gonna… kill… these… bastards… for… touching… Sunny's… _flag…"_ Merry grit out as she clawed at the walls, trying and failing to climb up the slick surface.

"Though… willpower seems to make the effects vary…" Chopper noted dryly.

"Maybe if I… no, but that's… perhaps… what if… no no no…"

"Su?" Su cocked her eyebrow at the pacing princess.

"Ah, yes," Conis nodded swiftly. "Vivi, you seem… distracted?"

Vivi glanced up, and shook her head. "To make a long story short, according to Cross, Don Accino's Devil Fruit is most likely—!"

"Is the Rage of Alabasta, the Hot-Hot Fruit?" I deadpanned.

"Yes?"

"Then its user is _definitely_ a ways away _that way,"_ I nodded, jabbing my finger upward.

"Right…" Vivi groaned, grinding her fingers into her temple. "And if that's true, it's extremely important that I speak to this Don Accino straight away, so that I can work _something_ out! His powers are a national treasure back home, and if I could I'd invite him to go to Alabasta to join the royal guard…" She spread her arms in despair. "But the problem is my _position!_ If I make the request now, while me and my friend's lives are on the line—!"

"Then it would look like all you're doing is speaking out of your ass in order to save your skin," I deduced grimacing. "Yeeeaaah, that's a problem."

"Worse than you'd think…" Vivi muttered, going back to her agitated pacing. "The Desert is lost to us until Crocodile one day dies, I'd never forgive myself if I let the Rage slip out of reach as well. And now…"

"Well… maybe you could make the offer to him while we're on our way out after we kick the Accino's collective asses?" I proposed. "After all, once that happens, they're gonna be up a creek without a base of operations."

"And _how_ are we going to get out?" Vivi shook her head miserably. "After all, we're almost all locked up in here with no way out!"

I blinked at her in confusion before slapping a hand to my head with a chuckle. "Oh, right, you got here _after_ me and Nami, I forgot. Nami, you mind—?"

"Yoo~hoo~," Nami sang, withdrawing her arms from behind her back and wiggling her fingers before hiding them again.

"The truth is that we can get out whenever we need to," I explained. "We're just waiting for the best moment to do it, is all. After all, things are… weird. I mean, look around." I spread my arms at the cell. "The Accinos are cocky and bastards, but they're _also_ damn skilled and professional. With this much bounty money on the line, we should have been in a Marine brig from the word go. But instead, they're keeping us in _here?_ Nah nah, _something_ is up, though the question is what. So, for now, we wait. And besides…" I jabbed my thumb upwards. "We've still got one last ace in the hole, remember? The TDWS are still out there. Not sure what they're planning, but—!"

 _KNOCK-KNOCK!_

A rapping sound drew my attention to Boss, who'd thus far been quiet as he sat in a seiza position. Once he had my attention, he held up a trio of 'fingers' on his flipper, then ticked one down… then a second… and then…

 _TH-TH-TH-THWUMP!_

A quartet of bound, gagged and struggling dugongs were unceremoniously dumped into the center of the pit.

I blinked slowly at the groaning pile. "Huh… didn't see _that_ coming. But… _how_? The TDWS might be students, but they're still pretty skilled. Who could have—?"

Boss responded to that by jabbing his flipper upward without even turning his head.

I followed his flipper, and blinked as I caught sight of what was standing at the lip of the ice pit's entrance. "Are those Fierce Penguins? But they're only fierce and strong in numbers, how could four of them—?

SLAP!

My words died in my throat as my brain seized up at what had just happened.

"Did… that penguin just high-five another penguin?" I asked weakly.

SLAP-SLAP-SLAP-SLAP-AP- _SLAP!_

My question was promptly answered by the penguins exchanging yet _more_ high-fives, a veritable flurry of them…

 _SLAP!_

That ended with one of them dope-slapping a, well, dopey-looking one.

A quartet of high-fiving penguins who'd just managed to kick the TDWS's ass…

I slowly turned my gaze on Soundbite. "Please say it ain't so…" I whimpered.

"Mmph-mph…" the snail smirked even behind his muzzle.

I silently stared at the snail before slowly standing up and turning to face the wall. "Well, if that's the case… It would seem like we've managed to guarantee at least _one_ thing."

SMASH!

"This," I grit out through my rictus smile as I slammed my forehead against the ice over and over.

 _SMASH!_

"Is going."

 _SMASH!_

"To be _fun."_

 **Patient AN: Before anyone gets it in their heads to bite ours off for not telling you Cross' bounty, it's not out of trolling this time… or at least, not primarily. If I had my way, we would have just put it as ∞, but until we have the bounty of Dragon or one of the Four Emperors as a measuring stick, we can't put forth an exact number.**

 **Hornet AN: And yes, Jack's and Cracker's bounties had a lot to do with that decision.**

 **Xomniac AN: Maybe we'll spill the beans on what it is once we have the top bounty in the world, alongside the Emperor's… : 3 Then again, maybe not~**


	50. Chapter 45 - Ice Hunter Pt 1

**Chapter 45**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Before we begin, a brief announcement. This chapter and the next one, possibly two, are noticeably shorter than our standard length. They are filler, based off of an anime filler, but with an original plot conceived by Xomniac back at the start of the story. The characters in this may or may not be returning later down the line, depending on what Oda does.**

 **We will resume our typical monstrous chapters when we reach Thriller Bark, and we sincerely hope you enjoy the filler in the meantime.**

 **Xomniac AN: Look at it this way: over 9000 (HA!) is still over twice as much as most SB and V authors post in a single chapter, so we're still the cream of the crop : 3**

 **Patient AN: Pride in your work is good. But do take care that you don't get an overly inflated ego, Ego.**

 **Xomniac AN: Har har.**

 **Hornet AN: And it saves time on editing. Woot!**

"Sooo…" Nami drawled with a flatly cocked eyebrow as she watched me ram my head into the wall. "I take it that we _don't_ want to know what that's all about?"

"You have to ask?" Zoro scoffed, glancing over his shoulder at his fellow strung-up crewmate.

Nami glanced back at him with a calm and serene smile. "Allow me to respond to that in a completely rational manner."

 _THWACK!_

"GAH!" Zoro yelped. "How the hell is stabbing your elbow into my side a 'rational' response!?"

"Well, it was rational to _me_ , and in the end, isn't it all just a matter of perspective?"

"MM-HMM-HMM-HMM-HMM _-HMMMM!"_ For whatever reason, Soundbite decided to cackle uproariously at that. Before I could properly rip into the snail, though…

"HEADS UP!"

 _CLUNK!_

"GAH!"

I snapped my hands to my pounding skull as something hard and heavy landed on it. "The hell—?" I looked up to see a pair of hooks at the ends of ropes swinging in the air, and a glance upward revealed that they were being held by a pair of Accino mooks, who themselves were flanked by the Accino's twin elder sons.

"Nefertari Vivi!" the red one… Brindo, I'm pretty sure, called down. "As your crew's diplomat, our father Don Accino has requested an audience with you. And considering Jeremiah Cross's savviness, he has deemed it acceptable that he attend the meeting as well."

"If you need any further incentive, then your partners may accompany you," the blue one, Campacino, offered as he dangled a key in our vision. "But just remember that any resistance will be met with immediate force."

I exchanged glances with Vivi and the rest of the crew, and then I looked back up at them. "Before we agree either way, what's this about? You already have our flag and our bounties, isn't that enough of a birthday gift for your damn patriarch?"

The twins exchanged surprised looks, before causing my heart to sink as they burst into twin bellows of laughter.

"Huhahahaha! Apparently Mister Cross is not quite as informed as he makes himself out to be, dear brother!" Campacino guffawed.

"Bohohoh! Indeed, brother beloved, indeed!" Brindo laughed right back. "For if he were, then he would know that our dear Papa's birthday was a good month ago, and that we gifted him a full fleet's worth of flags for it!"

I choked in horror as I processed that little tidbit. "Ahhh… well, that's my playbook out the window."

"So, Cross doesn't know what's coming?" Luffy slowly tilted his head up with a grin. "Great, now this is gonna be a _real_ adventure! Shishishi—!"

"Can we get another collar on him?" Sanji called up.

"Certainly! _Hockera!"_

"On it!"

"Shishi—eh?"

 _CLUNK!_

"HURK!" Luffy gagged as he got a double helping of sea prism stone. "Gugh… now I _really_ think I'm gonna hurl…"

"Thank you!" the cook shouted up.

"Hok Ke Ke Ke Ke! No problem, pirate scum!"

I forced my composure back together as I looked up at them, ignoring the way Vivi's hands were twitching up towards her collar—or more specifically, her necklace. "Yeah, yeah, yuck it up, you bifurcated bastards. Either way, my question still stands: what does he—!" I glanced at Vivi again. "What does the _hot-air bastard_ want with us?"

Vivi visibly tensed, the bounty hunters doing the same. While they were quick to school their expressions, Vivi's expression grew even more tense with thought.

"First of all, a bit of friendly advice: if you value your life, don't insult Papa," Brindo bit out. "If you already know his Devil Fruit, you know it doesn't do anything to help his temperament."

"And second, if you must know, you're being summoned for an unprecedented reason, which Papa has never allowed before," Campacino sniffed. "To negotiate for your freedom. The collateral? Your crew's reputation for defying all odds, which Papa desires to employ."

Vivi and I exchanged uncertain looks, but after looking at Luffy and getting a nod of approval (that or his head was just lolling from nausea, either or) I shrugged helplessly and walked over to grab one of the lines. "Might as well, I guess. Better to possibly fry up there than freeze down here."

"Agreed!" Vivi concurred as she joined me, with Carue clambering on himself.

"Hey, what about the rest of us who are _still_ freezing down here!?" Franky demanded, straining against his bonds.

Soundbite and I exchanged glances before grinning at the mostly-metal-man. "My advice?" I offered. "Next time, consider investing in some thermal underwear!"

"CROSS, YOU SON OF A—!" Franky roared as he leapt at me to bite, chains and all.

"ONE AND A QUARTER, GOING UP!" I shouted, tugging at the rope and getting yanked up and out of the cyborg's reach.

Vivi regarded me dryly as we were hauled up alongside one another. "You have _such_ a way with words, Cross."

"I know, right?" I thumbed my jacket out with pride. "It's my pride and— _GRK!"_ I was cut off by Vivi grabbing my collar and yanking me right up to her snarling face.

" **You listen to me and you listen good, you adrenaline-huffing loud-mouthed moron,"** the suddenly ticked off princess bit out. "Once we meet with this Don Accino, I am going to be doing _all_ of the talking. _You,_ on the other hand, will not open your mouth without my explicit say-so, which I will be delivering _ever_ so subtly in the form of my elbow in your side. If you fail to follow these orders explicitly until I tell you otherwise, _I will rip your tongue out and feed it to you._ Am I clear?"

I cowered for a second, but I then managed to level a glare at her. "I readily admit that I am an adrenaline junkie, but you should know that the only time I remotely risk anyone but myself is when I know about a way out. I'm not going to willingly provoke the man… unless he asks for it."

Vivi's expression, which had previously softened with a bit of shame, snapped back into rage mode. Before she could go about ripping my head off, however...

"Ahem?"

"WOAH!"/"YIKES!"

Vivi and I yelped and flailed as we were suddenly yanked up off of the ropes by the somewhat impatient Ice Hunter twins.

"If you're quite done?" Brindo drawled.

"Hmph." Vivi squirmed out of her captor's grip and brushed her parka off, sniffing indignantly. "You _clearly_ know nothing about my crew if you're actually asking that."

"Seconded," I nodded in agreement before plucking Soundbite from my shoulder and holding him out to Campacino. "Now, I believe there was some mention of un-muzzling—?"

"All yours," the blue twin said as he tossed the key to me. "I'm not putting my fingers anywhere near that death trap that thing calls a jaw, and before it gets any bright ideas?" He tapped a finger to his ear. "We're _all_ wearing sea prism stone earplugs."

"Geez, seriously?" I groused as I started searching for the keyhole on Soundbite's newly installed mute button. "Sea prism cuffs, sea prism earplugs, and Soundbite said _something_ about sea prism _walls_ below that ice before you crammed this thing on his face. What, did the Marines have a clearance sale or something?"

"PWAH!" Soundbite gasped gratefully as I finally managed to wrench the restraints from his jaws. " _ **Sweet, sweet freedom! I'M GONNA HAVE**_ **someone's fingers for that!** _And actually, that wouldn't surprise me. YA KNOW,_ CONSIDERING HOW THE CORPS' **BUDGET IS GETTING THE AXE LEFT AND RIGHT?"**

"Oh, yeah, between Bege and the loss of twust…" Carue mused thoughtfully.

"Eh, part that, part we've brought in countless _docile_ bounties for the Marines, thus ingratiating us to them!" Hockera snickered as he posed with his hockey stick. "They give us just about anything we ask for! Neat, huh?"

" _Lovely,"_ Vivi drawled in an utterly unimpressed manner. "Now, unless you all would like to see whether or not my influence extends to lip-reading when I tell you all to literally jump off a cliff, I believe we were going to see your _father?"_

The siblings and their underlings swiftly shared a distressed look before the twins swept their arms to the side and fell into uniform bows. "Right this way, milady," they chorused.

Once the procession started to, well… _proceed,_ I subtly inclined my head towards Soundbte. "Do those earplugs _really_ stop you?"

" **Eh,"** Soundbite swayed his eyes from side to side. " **They're** _ **annoying, sure,**_ _**but not airtight.**_ _IRONICALLY, WAX WOULD_ ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN BETTER."

I straightened my head with a satisfied hum. "Good to know."

Soundbite and I fell silent from there on as we walked, our 'escorts' thoroughly on guard as they walked us through an oasis that could only be the result of Devil Fruit intervention when located in a glacial desert of this scale. And the evidence of Devil Fruit involvement became more and more evident the further we went, on account of the steadily mounting temperature and the wisps of steam that were starting to waft through the air.

Normally I would have been more awed by my surroundings, but… well, my sense of wonder was mitigated by the fact that I hadn't seen Vivi anywhere near this anxious since her near-miss breakdown back on the Rocketman; I could only imagine what was going through her head, about to meet the user of _another_ of her country's long-lost treasures while _once again_ being so utterly at his mercy that she couldn't even inform him of the significance of his powers.

Unfortunately, before I could do anything to alleviate her tension, we arrived at a pair of doors that, while not the largest I'd ever seen in my life, were simultaneously the tackiest and the most threatening.

"Are you ready?" Brindo asked, glancing back.

"Ah, actuawwy, if we could have a—?"

"If not, too bad!" Campacino forged on, ignoring Caure's raised wing.

The twins then swept their arms in synch out at the doors, prompting them to open with a blast of steam. " _Presenting to you, the Patriarch of the Accino Bounty Hunting Family…_ DON ACCINO!"

Vivi and I flinched back from the sudden blast of hot air, and we didn't get a chance to adjust either on account of Hockera ramming his hockey stick into our backs and forcing us into the brume. We flinched and coughed from the sudden swap in temperature ranges and it took us a second to get our visibility back, but once we did…

Well, on the surface, Don Accino didn't look all that impressive. Obese, shirtless, laying on a couch made of ice, holding a goblet full of wine, flanked by his lovesick skater daughter and son-in-law. But the fact that he was radiating just as much casual menace as he was pure thermal energy?

Considering how it felt like we were in a _freaking sauna,_ you can imagine that we were all more than a little intimidated. The fact that he outweighed us all by a little less than a metric ton didn't hurt either.

All of that served to make the _literal dozens_ of pirate flags hung about the room little more than the cherry on top. The terrifyingly _morbid_ cherry.

Still, while I had the _chance—_

"Looking for _this?"_

I snapped my eyes down from the countless grinning skulls hanging above so that I could focus on the _one_ that Accino was holding pinched between his fingers, flapping in front of his smugly grinning mug.

"Heheheh, nice try, but not happening," he chuckled as he waved our flag, our pride and joy, our _emblem,_ like a common matador's cape. "I'm not so stupid as to let my prize bargaining chip leave my grasp so long as any of you are free. Still…" Don raised our flag above our head so that he could gaze upon it. "It is _quite_ the pretty flag, is it not…" His sunglasses glinted as he glanced at me. "Jeremiah Cross?"

My lips split in a snarl, but before I could even start to conceive of a response, I found myself abruptly trying to keep my balance in response to the pair of fingers crushing down on the sweet spot on my neck.

"We are honored that you would allow us pirates to speak with you, great Don Accino," Vivi simpered with the utmost politeness as she maintained an equally deep bow next to me.

I subtly rolled my fingers in an attempt to ask her to haul it in a _little_ , and got a nice bit of extra pressure on my neck for my troubles.

Well, if that's how she wanted to play…

"Hmhmm, such manners," the Accino patriarch hummed, his tone warm but tinged with sadistic pleasure. "I was honestly bracing myself for Cross's biting rhetoric. My…" His children winced fearfully as he snorted out a cloud of steam. " _Temper,_ you see."

My eye twitched at that particular comment and I opened my mouth, only to gag when my tongue glued itself to the roof of my mouth. Son of a— _seriousl—AGH, MY EAR, DAMN IT!_

"Oooh, believe me, good Don, my dear friend here would almost _certainly_ be offering the most scratching he could conjure right at this very moment were he so able," Vivi smiled endearingly even as she endeavored to yank my ear off. "But, foreseeing that eventuality, I elected it best to… _rescind_ my crewmate's speaking privileges for the foreseeable future, unless I offer him my permission. I hope you don't mind?"

I was both amused and annoyed to see the Accino children heaving subtle sighs of relief even as their father scratched at his second or third hairy chin.

Ultimately, Don shifted his mass in what I could only assume was a shrug. "So be it, so be it. I suppose that I only need you all to _listen_ for the moment anyways. Now then… to business, hmmmm?"

Vivi nodded, her expression and tone carefully neutral. "We _would_ like to know what you have to ask of us. Especially considering that, given your reputation, we should by all accounts be, well—"

I _started_ to raise my fist above my head so that I could mime a noose, but _apparently_ Vivi took offense to that, if the way she snagged my elbow and twisted my arm behind my back was anything to go by.

"Quit screwing around with the man whose temper is as volatile as _Eneru's_ while I'm in the room," Vivi snarled beneath her breath. "Or I swear to _Isis_ I will snap your arm off and shove it somewhere thoroughly uncomfortable, do you understand me?"

" _Try it_ **and I'll give you the** _ **BISCUIT TREATMENT.**_ **FAIR WARNING, I'VE** _ **refined my**_ GASTRO-PHONY," Soundbite threatened with a smug smirk, causing Vivi, Carue, _and_ me to pale.

Before anything further could be said, however, a sharp clap snapped our attention back to a thoroughly peeved-looking Don Accino. "If you're quite done with your childish spat?" he growled.

We didn't so much answer as our flinches from the sudden spike of temperature and steam in the room answered for us.

"Good," Don snorted firmly. Thankfully for us, he took what I presumed was meant to be a calming sip from his chalice of wine before continuing. "Allow me to be brief: I have been keeping up with your SBS from the first day it aired, and it soon became one of my goals to add the flag of your most notorious crew to my collection. As you have experienced for yourselves—" He smirked as he waved his hand over his now-preening children. "My family has long prepared for dealing with the entirety of your crew. As it stands, we currently have you all at our… _tender_ _mercies."_

I was _sorely_ tempted to pin the fat bastard with a glare and roll my fingers to tell him to get on with it, but the holes I could feel being bored into my head stilled my hand and expression, as did said fat bastard righting himself into a proper sitting position and adopting a more serious expression.

"However," he stated, his voice devoid of the earlier cheer. "In light of the events that took place upon Enies Lobby, it has been cemented as _fact_ that your crew is truly capable of making what most would deem an impossibility a reality. And…" He took a deep drag from his cigar before wearily huffing out a cloud. "I find myself in a position where I am more in need of this… _ability_ of yours than I do the money from all of your heads combined. Or even…" He visibly struggled with himself for a moment before taking a deep gulp of wine in order to still his nerves and holding up our flag. "My rightful trophy."

Vivi and I exchanged shocked looks, and then she schooled her expression and stepped forwards, her arms spread placatingly. "But, Honorable Don Accino, as we have already witnessed, your Lovely Land is an impenetrable fortress, and you are…" She glanced upward with a shudder. " _Clearly_ thoroughly experienced in your field. What possible issues could affect someone of your standing to such an extent?"

Accino's face split in a scowl and we all tensed as the general heat in the room kicked up a few notches, but thankfully, his ire seemed to be directed elsewhere, as evidenced by his another sigh. "The worst issues of all, Princess Nefertari." He slung our flag over his shoulder and plucked his cigar from his lips before grinding it down against his seat of ice. " _Politics."_

…Yikes, not even _I_ could restrain my wince at that little tidbit.

" **Poor bastard…"** Soundbite muttered.

"Damn straight," Accino bit out. He then slid his sunglasses off and kept his eyes squinted shut as he withdrew a rag and started polishing his eyepiece. "Now, let there be no mistake here: Bounty hunting is more than a simple business for my family." He waved his hand at the flags above us. "It is our way of life. We do it because we enjoy the challenge of it, with the money we are rewarded both a side-benefit and a means of sustaining our lifestyle. Unfortunately, however…" He snorted out a hefty cloud of steam. "In recent days, this lifestyle has become increasingly… _complex."_

I took a moment to roll that over in my mind, and then snapped my head up as a thought occurred to me. I hastily slapped my fingers against Vivi's arm, grabbing her attention and gesturing at my throat.

She hesitated for a second before setting her jaw tersely. "Watch what you say," she warned me, jabbing me with her elbow.

"Sonnuva—!" I gasped, grasping my side. "If I had to guess, I'd say that you're having troubles because the pirate crews are getting stronger, right? More and more nine-digit bounties passing through Lovely Land instead of seven or eight?"

"In so many words?" Don Accino shoved his glasses back on his face. "Precisely."

"We can draw many other crews into our hunting-hell of ice with ease via our superior tactics!" the male skater, Salchow as I recall, boasted.

"But the fact remains that few crews are quite as… lacking in sheer numbers as yours is," his… fiancée, I think? Arbell continued with a weary sigh. "We managed to defeat you because we could reliably split you up and take you down bit by bit, but with other crews that's just not an option."

"We've had to let some pretty damn hefty catches slip away from us," Hockera groused as he picked at the taping on his hockey stick. "And all because for all that we have numbers in our mercs, we lack the quality needed to establish a reliable net with which to hold them."

I frowned uncertainly. "And… where do the 'politics' come into play in all of this?"

Vivi snapped a glare at me, most likely for my impertinence, but then she tapped her finger to her chin with a thoughtful look. "I… admit that my colleague has a point. How does this all relate?"

"It relates," Accino picked up with a growl. "In that my family and I are not the only ones to partake in this lifestyle. There are countless other bounty-hunting groups and families upon the seas, some lesser than we Accinos, some greater. Our immediate concern, however, lies with a rival clan that I am loath to admit is equal to us in strength, known as the Hiruno Famiglia. They number less than us by a wide margin, but the soldiers they command are fearsome indeed, each easily worth ten of our own."

"The Hirunos are small, strong, swift…" Campacino ticked off on his fingers.

"And above all else, _ruthless,"_ Brindo finished as he slammed his fist into his palm. "They've poached countless quarries from us over the years."

"So… what, you want us to wemove da competishion oah something?" Carue scratched his head in confusion.

Accino dismissed _that_ notion with a wry chuckle as he took a deep draught from his wine. "Hoho _hoooo,_ I only wish… but no. You see, their resources, limited as they are, can be something of a nuisance for us to fight against, but, if they were to be, say, _incorporated_ into our own, deployed with our tactics, our methods, our _skill…"_

"An alliance," I deduced, only to wince when Vivi rammed her elbow into my side in response to Accino's own annoyed snort.

" **Shut it,"** she bit out, and I was dismayed to find that I was forced to do just that.

"Mmph, cheeky little…" Accino growled before nodding in reluctant consent. "Basically, yes, we've decided to arrange a mutually-beneficial alliance… sort of. For you see, there is one thing that concerns me more than the acquisition of my beloved trophies, and that is the continued wellbeing of my family. As such, a simple everyday agreement will not be sufficient. We need a more…" He took a _deep_ drag from his cigar before biting out the next words. " _Permanent_ solution."

Vivi only had to think about those words for a _second_ before setting her jaw tightly and stealing a momentary glance at Salchow and Arbell. "You're talking about an _arranged marriage."_

" _Feh!"_ Accino spat to the side bitterly. "Believe me, I find the idea as distasteful as you, especially when taking the other party into account, but it was the only thing I could think of that would keep that old hag and the mongrels she calls her children in line. Still, what's done is done. The contract has been drawn up, and the date set. But the proceedings themselves…" Accino ground his teeth as his icy seat started to sizzle beneath him. " _Those_ are in question."

"Not only will dissent be _rife_ amongst the Hirunos," Campacino announced.

"But there is not a doubt that many _other_ bounty hunters will also attempt to interfere in the proceedings," Brindo concluded.

"After all, if this merge goes through, we'll be topping the absolute top dogs in these waters!" Hockera grinned confidently. "All those other losers will be looking at a total game-over, no questions asked! Soooo they'll be trying to sabotage the living hell out of everything while we're trying to hitch our families up." His smirk quirked slightly as he gestured his hockey stick at us. "And _that's_ where you guys come in."

"Heheh… Indeed…" Accino laid down again, scratching the vast expanse of his gut. Eurgh. "With interference both within and without, it would appear that it would be impossible for the ceremony to be anything but an unmitigated disaster. Good thing we have a crew here whose very _dogma_ is the achievement of the impossible, no?"

"Our proposition is thus!" Arbell sniffed haughtily. "Help us in assuring that this wedding and the alliance that comes with it are both achieved without so much as the slightest hiccup!"

"Fail, and you'll be in Impel Down before even _your_ captain can say 'meat'!" Salchow proclaimed. "Succeed, however, and you'll be allowed to slip away scot-free! We've even managed to convince Papa to return your flag to you on your way out!"

"Though I'm gonna have to be _hammered_ at that point if you want it without a fight…" the 10,000-Degree-Human literally fumed, the air shimmering around his luminescent body.

Vivi hummed thoughtfully as she mulled over the proposal, soon grabbing me by the shoulder even as she adopted a beatific smile. "Mister Accino, if you don't terribly mind, might my colleague and I have a moment to discuss matters?"

"Eh, go ahead," Accino said, waving his hand indifferently. "Just make it quick. My time is money."

"Of course, of course, we'll only be a moment," Vivi assured him with a smile. With that, she yanked me around, drew a deep breath… and started to whisper conspiratorially. "I'm going to be honest here, Cross: I _hate_ arranged weddings. I was heir apparent, so I was never at risk of suffering one, but far too many of my friends had to suffer them in the past. But even then…" She spared a glance over her shoulder at Salchow and Arbell. "Honestly, these two actually seem _happy_ with one another, which is always a big help, and what they're asking can't be _too_ difficult. Simply put… I think that this sounds like a _surprisingly_ good deal. Your thoughts?"

I graced the princess with an acrid glare as I gestured flatly at my throat.

"Ah… aheh, riiiight…" A sweatdrop hung from the princess's head. "Your thoughts… **please?"**

The next moment, I had a seamless transition from unable to speak to speaking without choice, though I'd say I adjusted well.

"First, that I'm starting to wish I didn't respect your authority so much. And second, yes, it seems like a good idea. Yes, it seems like something we can do. Yes, it seems like our luck has come through for us yet again. But I still can't get one thing out of my mind."

" _AND THAT WOULD BE...?"_ Soundbite asked, clearly dreading the answer.

"Simple," I glanced at him with a flat look. "When is it _ever_ that easy?" And so, before Vivi could stop me, I turned back around and pointed at the Accino patriarch. "So, let me see if I've got this all straight! We help you get _these two_ —" I pointed my fingers at the skate-wearing couple in the room. "Hitched properly, in spite of members of mascara-boy's family and every other Tom, Dick and Harry in the waters who calls themselves bounty hunters trying to throw the whole thing, and you'll let us go, flag and all. Do I have that right?"

Don Accino snarled at me testily, but then breathed out a huff of steam and smoke, waving his hand back and forth. "Eh…" he grunted dismissively. "For the most part. You flubbed _one_ detail, though."

Vivi and I promptly exchanged terse glances. "And… that one detail would be?" the Princess asked.

"The identity of the bride, of course," Arbell spoke up with a 'what-can-you-do' shrug.

"Indeed!" Salchow nodded, sweeping the other skater in the room into what under _any_ other circumstances would have been a very romantic dip. "My beloved Arbellinawina and I have been happily married for three years now, and my family positively loves her! Though only half as much as I do~!"

"Oh, Sally-wally~!"

" **BLECH!"** Soundbite spat in disgust.

"I'll second _that,"_ Campacino huffed with a roll of his eyes.

"And I make three!" Brindo concurred.

"Going four!" Hockera gagged.

"Five…" Vivi muttered before shaking her head and looking back at Don in confusion. "But… if _she's_ not the bride, then who is!?"

"Ah… hey, yeah, she's right!" I agreed. "Because unless you have any other children I don't know about, then the only other daughter you have is—!"

"Me."

Vivi, Soundbite and I all stiffened at the new voice that had spoken up, and we all slowly turned to watch as the owner of said voice walked past us and stood before the Ice Hunter patriarch, confirming our worst fears.

" _Wait, YOU MEAN—!?"_ Soundbite started to squawk incredulously.

"That's right," Don Accino smirked languidly as he dropped his hand on the head of the stoic child standing before him and ruffled her hair. "You'll be helping coordinate the marriage of my youngest daughter, _Lil_ Accino."

Lil's face barely even shifted as she raised the hem of her skirt in a curtsy. "My future is in your hands."

Vivi's eye twitched furiously as she pointed a shaky finger at the child. "Ah… buh… that…"

I, for my part, merely slapped a hand to my face with an exasperated groan. "I rest my case…"

Thankfully, _that_ managed to snap our crew's resident princess out of her shock. I _was_ freaked out for a moment when her face flushed and her expression morphed into a mask of fury, but then I noticed that none of said fury was actually directed at _me._

" **You…"** she bit out at Accino, trembling murderously. " **Deplorable...** _ **vile...!"**_

Thankfully, the Heat-Human didn't seem to take offense, if the way he snorted and started to dig his pinky in his nose was anything to go by. "The hell are you getting pissed at me for, eh?" he grunted. "The Hirunos only have male heirs, and Arbell is already married. Besides, it's not like I'm actually asking her to _consummate_ the marriage, not immediately - or ever, hopefully."

That statement lowered Vivi's blood pressure from apoplectic to merely simmering, but she was _definitely_ still mad. "Even so—!"

Don Accino interrupted her by slapping his hand to his forehead. "Right, that would be a problem, wouldn't it? The groom is the same age as Lil, give or take a year. Does that settle any protests?"

Vivi ground her teeth for a second longer, but eventually she dropped her face into her hand with a sigh. "Apart from my sense of basic human _decency?"_

"Yes, apart from that. I mean, come on, I'm sure you've seen this before."

Vivi's brow twitched furiously at the sheer _bluntness_ of the statement, but she allowed herself to nod. "It's… not an unacceptable offer, I will admit. But now that we have all the details in order…" She gestured apologetically at me. "I am sorry for any impertinence on my part, but might I have some more time to discuss matters with my crewmate? This is not a decision we can make lightly."

Don Accino grunted mulishly as he righted himself and started to stretch his neck side to side. "Personally, I don't remember giving your crew much of a _choice_ in the first place… but eh, what the hell." He grinned as he shook chalice slightly. "I need to go refill my drink anyway, and my legs are starting to fall asleep. You have until I get back. Children."

"Yes, Papa!" the younger generation of Accinos barked, straightening their postures.

"Keep an eye on them. And if they do anything untoward…" The dark chuckle he let waft after him as he walked out said more than any words could have.

I warily eyed the thermo-centric giant as he left the room, tracking his rather thunderous footsteps. Once I judged his distance to be great enough, reinforced by Soundbite giving me his nod of approval, I snapped my attention over to the Accino children and—!

"Whatever the hell you're thinking of, **I don't want to hear it!"**

" _Grk!"_ And promptly choked on my own tongue when Vivi piped up behind me. With the immediate threat out of the way, however, I wasn't nearly as inclined to listen to her this time. Thinking about what I'd come up with based on what Garp had said about the power she held, I began focusing… and almost immediately, I felt the results.

"The Voices of Anarchy will not be silenced," I snarled out, causing Vivi to jump before reapplying herself.

" **Not. A. Word,"** she growled with as much authority as she could muster, dropping her hand on my shoulder and giving it a firm squeeze.

I turned my head so that I could _smile_ at her, pitching my voice low so that the others in the room couldn't hear. "Do you remember what Garp said? That your power relies on people respecting you and your authority? Have you ever thought that it was strange that it worked on someone who has talked down to the likes of Eneru, Aokiji, Sengoku, and Dragon without any hesitation? I worked out awhile back that the only reason it works on me is that I still respect you as a princess, and my friend besides."

Vivi blinked, clearly stunned by the admission, and then I allowed myself to grow more annoyed. "On the other hand, focusing on the things about you that I _don't_ respect seems to have the desired effect of nullifying your abilities. And really, it's so easy to do it when I keep thinking about your many, many, _many_ flaws. Namely? Your _complete_ and utter inability to remember relevant details prior to the exact moment that they _become_ relevant."

" _That hasn't happened in—!"_ Vivi started to hiss.

" **Days?** _**Hours? MINUTES?"**_ Soundbite leered tauntingly. The way Vivi blushed and started to stammer did _not_ help her case.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, while I contemplate your natural human errors and override your override…" I _loved_ the way the Accinos collectively flinched when I directed a predatory smile at them. "I'm going to go right on ahead and do what I do best."

"And… dat would be—?" Carue swallowed hesitantly.

I chuckled as I stepped forward, cracking my knuckles in anticipation. "Flip the fucking script. Alright, kiddies, _LISTEN UP!"_ The Accinos jumped in shock when I suddenly let out an authoritative bark. "We've all stood around listening to your demands, we've heard them, and now you're all going to shut the hell up and listen to _ours."_

The Accino-heirs all exchanged hesitant glances, save for the little tyke _Lil,_ of all people, who casually strolled up to us and regarded me with a lazy grin. "And why should we listen to anything a powerless little pirate like _you_ has to say in _our_ home?" she asked… not smugly, actually, just matter-of-factly.

Well, why _wouldn't_ I grin at the thought of breaking her pride like an egg? "Why, I'm _so_ glad you asked. Oh, Soundbite?" I purred as I snapped my fingers, drawing my snail to attention. "Kindly _cut the ground_ out from under her."

" **GLADLY,"** Soundbite hissed venomously. His grin then morphed into a far more… _catty_ iteration. " _Hey, Cross. How are discussions going?"_

"At the moment?" I asked as I made a show of examining my fingertips. "Tense. But I think we can tip the balance back in our favor. How's everyone on the crew?"

" _Out of their shackles if they had any and all ready to rumble at the drop of a hat."_

I began to nod, and then paused. "…Quick question, was any of that lockpicking Merry's doing?"

There was a pregnant pause, and then a very audible slap of flesh on wood. " _I blame Vivi's influence,"_ Merry groaned.

"I RESENT THAT!" the Princess in question barked.

" _We all know you do, honey,"_ Nami sighed wearily. " _Anyways, we're ready to start dropping walls and knocking heads. Should we start?"_

"No no, hold off on that," I replied. "Matters are both complicated and interesting right now, and I want to see just how much I can work this angle before we default to Plan B."

" _Don't you mean Plan_ A?" Zoro questioned with a smirk.

"Normally, yeah," I said dismissively. "Anyway, just hang tight. We won't be long." And with that, I chopped my hand across my neck and dropped the connection. I then crossed my arms and smirked down at my fellow beast-tamer. "So. How's our negotiating position looking _now,_ runt?"

"That… could have been a trick. You and your snail, y-you've been sneaky like that before!" she blustered, though the look on her face made it obvious how much she believed that.

"I have been, I have been," I conceded, my grin never leaving my face. "But you still have to consider, in this instance… I might _not."_

"B-But even if you aren't, even if your comrades _are_ all free to fight," Arbell cut in swiftly, most likely in an effort to draw attention from Lil. "We still know all of your moves from the SBS, we know your crew, we _captured_ your crew! What makes you think we can't do that again?"

"Let me answer that with a question of my own." I stretched my grin from ear to ear as I strode over to her and stuck my grin in her face. "Are you _really_ willing to risk the full force of the Straw Hat Pirates, all united and all ready to rumble, running rampant inside your own _home?"_ I slowly tilted my head to the side. "And more importantly, do you really think _daddy dearest_ can handle a tee-d off Luffy firing on full cylinders? As I recall, _that didn't work out well for the last guy. Or ten._ "

The pallor that came over _all_ of their faces answered _that._

" _Oh you poor poor bastards,"_ Soundbite chuckled sadistically. " **If you thought your nuts were IN A VICE** _ **BEFORE."**_

"As my little buddy said," I nodded in agreement, backing off a bit and giving the Accinos _some_ breathing room. "The situation has become thus: you all desperately _need_ our help, while we ourselves only _want_ a few things from you. Concede to our demands, and _maybe_ we'll make this a mutually beneficial arrangement, rather than merely bouncing your heads off the cobblestones and being on our merry way. So!" I clapped my hands together with an eager grin. "You all game?"

"Er… don't you mean being on your sunny way?"

Everyone in the room slowly turned to _staaare_ at Salchow. For a minute, that was all we could bring ourselves to do.

 _THWACK!_ "OW!"

"I'm sorry, Sally-Wally, but even _I_ thought that was dreadful," Arbell said, shaking her head in disappointment.

Before the mascara'd man could respond to her words, however, Brindo grabbed his shoulder and started to drag him aside. "It would appear that _we_ are the ones in need of a moment of discussion now," he bit out.

"If you'll pardon us…" Campacino trailed off as he gnawed on his thumb.

I nodded my consent, and as they huddled together, I looked back at Vivi, whose expression was sitting on the borderline between uncertainty and indignance. "Cross, while I appreciate the opportunity, I don't want to reclaim the Rage like _this,"_ she protested.

"And you won't, I swear," I reassured her. "Honestly, this is working out better than I thought: now we have an _excuse_ to stick around. Look, just don't worry about it, alright? All I'm doing right now is turning the situation in our favor, so that we can milk it for all it's worth. When there's money on the table, you don't just leaving lying around, right?"

"Mmm..." Vivi nodded noncommittally as she glanced away.

I hesitated slightly at her reaction before coughing into my fist. "Vivi, I don't know whether or not this makes things any better, but… the whole 'vendetta' thing I've got against people being in a higher position of authority than me? I only really got it _after_ Alabasta."

Vivi pondered that for a moment, looking down at her necklace, before clenching it in her fist. "After… a higher authority ruined my life."

"They _crushed you,"_ I growled out. "And after that… well, let's just say that when anyone tries to crush me, I damn well try and make them pay for it."

Vivi took that in, and finally, she nodded. "I apologize, Cross. It seems we were both at fault here."

I nodded back before donning a light smirk. "Well… hey, look at it this way: I have learned some restraint. After all-" I jabbed my thumb at the Accinos. "I was smart enough to _not_ pull this in front of the chief hothead, right?"

I was gratified by Vivi hiding a chuckle at that, but I couldn't enjoy it due to the Accino Family breaking their huddle and drawing our attention.

"What do you want?" Arbell groused.

"Ahhh, there, see?" I grinned in an admittedly condescending manner. "Isn't it so much better when we all get along? But anyway, getting down to business, our first demand is thus." I popped up a finger, my levity gone. "The liberation of the Phoenix Pirates, captain, flag and all, before we so much as lift a _finger_ to help you. The only reason they turned against us was that you had your boots on their necks, and I'm not going to let you keep our fellow pirates oppressed even one second longer. You want our help, you let them go."

The elder Accino twins exchanged glances before heaving simultaneous sighs.

"They were useful while we had them," Campacino grumbled before waving his hand dismissively. "Agreed."

"What else?" Brindo demanded.

"Our second demand." I raised a second finger as I scanned the flags hung above us. "Considering how extensive your father's… _collection_ is, I'm assuming you have a ledger of all the flags here?"

The Accinos glanced at one another in confusion before Hockera nodded. "Yeah, we do. What about it?"

"Simple." I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "You'll be handing it over to our archaeologist, who will be choosing which flags we'll be taking with us, and which your father gets to keep."

A jolt of shock ran through the room, with Carue hastily raising his wing as he voiced everyone's confusion. "Wha—? 'Choose' which fwags we take wid us? Shouldn't we take them all?"

"Eh," I waved my hand dismissively. "They're free to keep the flags of pirates who raided civilians and whatnot. Flags baptized in blood? Those aren't marks of pride, they're symbols of fear and terror. If the Accinos want to keep them as trophies, they're _welcome_ to them." I then directed a glare at the resident bounty hunters. "But the flags of pirates like us? Pirates who only ever went out on the seas for adventure? For _freedom?_ Those we take with us. Those we'll give a burial at sea so that the souls of their crews may _finally_ rest in peace."

I took a menacing step towards the Accinos. "Will there be a _problem_ with that?"

There was a moment of silence as the Accinos all looked at one another and then…

"Hmm, let me think," Lil drawled, tilting her head to the side exaggeratedly. "Will there be a problem? _Hell_ no."

I blinked in confusion at the response. "Uh… come again?"

"You heard her! Take as many as you want! Hell, take 'em all!" Hockera answered.

"AGREED! We hate those damn things!" the twins asserted with mirrored nods.

I… will freely admit, I was taken aback enough that I was actually gaping at them. Salchow responded with a roll of his eyes.

"You saw how often he steams this place, who do you _think_ is in charge of cleaning those damn things and watching for mold!?"

"Your… soldiers?" Vivi guessed.

"Ha! As if Papa would trust _them_ with his 'precious' trophies!" Arbell scoffed. "No. While we love our Papa dearly, and while it's going to be _hell_ to live with him once he finds out you've stolen from him…" She scowled murderously. "I'd rather eat my skirt than spend one more _second_ scrubbing those old rags!"

"AGREED!" her siblings and husband chorused.

Vivi's eye twitched furtively as she regarded the Accino-heirs. "How… _heartwarming…"_ she muttered.

"Ahem!" Hockera coughed into his fist as he regained his composure. "So, anyway, was that everything you wanted?"

"Yea—No!" I hastily swapped my answers as a thought occurred to me. "Now, this might sound petty, but I know that our Second Mate would _kill_ me if we didn't lay down this final stipulation: when we leave here, we act like actual _pirates_ in the process, taking everything in you bastards' coffers. Those are our demands, take 'em or leave 'em."

The Accinos visibly hesitated at the ultimatum, but Lil simply smirked and started to sway back and forth on her feet. "Go right on ahead, help yourselves…" She raised her hand to hide a smirk. "You know, so long as you can find where they are? _And_ get them open?"

"Glad to hear you already approve!"

"WHA—!?" was the general cry of shock as everyone snapped their attention to the door of the flag-room… _where Nami was standing with a bulging bag slung over her shoulders!?_

" _ **HOW THE HELL**_ **EVEN!?"** Soundbite demanded incredulously.

"When, exactly, did her talent for thievery reach the same level of impossible as Zoro's non-sense of direction?" Vivi managed through a floor-cracking jaw.

"When I got rid of the emotional weight that was holding me down. I might even owe Kalifa a 'thank you' next time we meet if this is anything to go by… after I give her a black eye, of course," Nami sighed happily. "Aaanyway, sorry for moving early, but I got kinda bored. We'll just go ahead and store this back on the Sunny before going back to wait in the pit. Have fun, you guys!" And with that she strode off down the hall humming a jaunty tune, followed by all _five_ of our Dugongs, who were all carrying equally loaded sacks.

"Et tu, Boss?" I sighed wearily.

"Lemme guess, Man's Womance?" Carue quacked.

"Nope," Boss huffed dismissively as he waddled off. "It's just a living."

" _ **Wah wah waaaaah…"**_

"…Why did I have to open my mouth?" Lil groaned, sinking to her knees as streams of tears fountained down her cheeks.

I shook my head, adjusting my collar as I shoved the shock into a corner of my mind. "Ahem… a-anyway, your father doesn't need to know about all this, seeing as he'd sooner melt me with his bare hands than listen to even a word I have to say. You all meet our demands on the sly, we make sure thing go as hunky-dory as possible. With that settled, all we have to do is wait for daddy-dearest and—!"

"W… _W-Wait!"_

"Eh?" I blinked in confusion when _Arbell_ of all people suddenly blurted out a protest, desperation clear in her face.

"Sister!?" Campacino demanded.

"What do you think you're—!" Brindo started, only to be silenced by Arbell sticking her hand in his face.

"Cram it, all of you," she growled before returning her attention to me. "While we're going behind our father's back, we might as well go all the way. You've shared your demands, now please, I beg of you, listen to _our_ request! This wedding, the wedding that my father is forcing you to safeguard…" She glanced to the side, gnawing her lip before nodding firmly, her gaze full of determination. "I… _we,_ the children of the Accino family… we want you to _sabotage it."_

Dead. Stunned. _Silence._

Vivi slowly raised a shaking finger. "Run that by us again?" she squeaked.

"You heard me!" Arbell hissed. "Make things look like they're working out well for as long as you can, but when it comes down to the clutch? Make sure that this wedding _fails._ I can understand that Papa is merely concerned with our well-being, I really do, but…" She ground her teeth as she landed her hand on Lil's shoulder, prompting the nearly-pubescent girl to glance up at her with a… surprisingly apathetic look. "If he thinks that I'm going to let myself be related to those snakes of the Hiruno Famiglia… that I'll let my little sister _marry_ one of them…"

"Enough, sister."

Arbell flinched as the twins dropped their hands on her shoulders, giving them both a despairing look. The twins hesitated at said look, exchanging a glance before sighing in synch and stepping forward.

"We realize that, as it stands, we are in no position to ask anything further of you…" Campacino reluctantly admitted.

"But left with no other options, even at your mercy..." Brindo continued.

They fell to their knees as one, heads bowed.

"Please," they pleaded in synch. "Take pity on us and grant us this request, so that we might safeguard our family from our father's desperation."

"Ah…" I blinked slowly before leaning back towards Vivi. "IIIII honestly did not see this coming. Suggestions?"

"Umm…" Vivi gnawed her thumb for a moment before shrugging. "Either we manage to pull off the wedding and there'll be nothing they can do, or, in usual Straw Hat fashion, it blows up entirely in a way Accino can't claim we did it on purpose?"

"Hm… and I know what option I'd put my money on…" I mused before returning my option to the Accinos. "We'll think about it. But for now—!"

" _FOR NOW,_ **Papa-pyromania's on his way back!"** Soundbite barked hastily. " _Game faces,_ _ **EVERYONE!"**_

Thankfully, the Accinos all managed to scramble back into position just as their father re-entered the room, the heat steadily rising as he strode around us to regain his seat. "My apologies for my extended absence," he grunted. "But I had to make a slight detour to my room to retrieve a new cigar. Still, it gave you more than enough time to think..." We flinched as a blast of steam rose up as a result of the patriarch sitting down. "Meaning that I will have my answer _now."_

Vivi adjusted her collar with a slight wince before resuming her 'princess-ly' posture. "W-We have to admit, Mister Accino, your proposition does sound… _most_ agreeable to us…"

"But the fact remains!" I picked up. "Vivi and I are merely _high-ranked_ members of our crew! Much like with your family and you, the final decision lies with our _captain!_ Surely you can appreciate that!…sir?"

"…Hmph. I suppose you have a point; it would be the height of bad form to not gain the consent of whom it affects most," the Hot-Hot man said at last. We started to heave a sigh of relief - until the temperature spiked and the sheer humidity started to _crush us_ as he glared at us. " **You have ten minutes."**

We couldn't get the hell out of that steaming dodge fast enough, and once we were _all_ out, Campacino took a moment to get his breath back before gesturing with no small amount of haste. "Come on, this way."

I swiftly grabbed his shoulder. "We'll go to the cells alright," I assured him. "But only _after_ a little detour to release your… 'pet pirates', was it?"

Campacino flinched slightly before smirking confidently. "Very well, if you insist… but let me remind remind you, those poor souls' spirits have been utterly crushed by the New World, so unless you think you can restore their hopes and dreams in less than ten minutes—!"

"Unless I miss my mark, you have Captain Puzzle in a cell somewhere?" I interrupted.

"Ah… yes, why?"

"Get Luffy out of the pit, shove him in the same cell, get the Phoenix's ship and flag ready, and above all else?" I strode past the twin with confidence. "Stop doubting _the Straw Hat Pirates."_

Campacino was silent for a moment before snorting and walking after me. "Personally, I think you would be best served hauling your _raging ego_ back into check."

 **-Five Minutes Later-**

"Seriously, I can't even _begin_ to thank you guys enough!" Captain Puzzle praised Luffy as he shook his hand vigorously, his crew making the final arrangements to set sail on their flag-adorned ship behind him. "If it weren't for you… hell, I don't even want to _consider_ what could have happened to us!"

"Shishishi! No problem!" Luffy chuckled good-naturedly. "You guys are all pretty cool once you stop being idiots! I can't wait to see you guys in the New World!"

"Same here, but only after we've had a _lot_ of time to train, I assure you."

"Shishishi, yeah, you guys _are_ pretty weak!"

"Hey, no need to be _that_ blunt!"

While this little exchange was ongoing, Campacino and I were standing a little ways away, him gaping, me smirking.

"I believe that you were saying something, Mister Accino?" I chuckled tauntingly.

"But-but-but… _how!?"_ Campacino choked out. "His hopes were dashed! His flames snuffed into little more than cinders! And your captain _barely_ had any time to speak with him! How is this possible!?"

"ROW ROW, _FIGHT DA POWAH!"_ Soundbite cheered. " **Possible?** _ **Who cares? VIVA SHO—!"**_

"AHEM!" I coughed.

" _Aheh… sorry."_

Brindo, meanwhile, was busy comforting his brother, who was now gnawing on his collar and _crying_ in exasperation.

"Still…" Puzzle looked past Luffy, looking worried. "Are you sure you're going to be alright? I mean, these people…"

"Mah mah, it's fine!" Luffy said, waving his hand in a dismissive manner. "I don't really get what's going on, but Cross and Vivi said they've got things handled! I trust in my crew, and that's more than enough!"

The other pirate contemplated that for a second before shrugging. "So be it. I wish you all the best of luck! And trust me, if anybody on my crew wasn't listening to the SBS _before…_ but for now. PHOENIX PIRATES! WEIGH ANCHOR! LET'S GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS ICY HELL AS WE CAN GET!"

"AYE-AYE, CAPTAIN!"

" _ **Oooooh—GAH!"**_

"Do you _see_ a talking starfish anywhere?" I demanded.

" _Spoilsport…"_ my partner pouted in response.

And so we watched as the Phoenix Pirates' ship sailed off, grateful that our friends were freed, their spirits reanimated - and personally, that the half-remembered x-factor was out of the way.

Unfortunately, I picked that time to remember exactly how double-sided our luck could be. So, with a mounting sense of dread that I hoped was merely well-justified paranoia, I turned to look at the other Accinos, who were pulling themselves together from their bemusement.

"Incidentally… feel free to tell me that I'm worrying about nothing, but all we have to do for the Don is make sure the wedding goes right, _right?_ Even with all of the sabotages attempts that will go on… there aren't any _other_ catches that we should be aware of, _right!?"_

The way that Campacino and Brindo slowly shared an uncertain look did _not_ give me confidence. "Weeell…"

 **-Four Minutes Later-**

Vivi, Carue, Soundbite, and I stared at the Don with identical masks of exasperation and sheer, undiluted venom.

"So, let's see if we have this right," Vivi began, with a tone about as calm as a grenade whose pin had been pulled. "You have no staff for the wedding aside from your family and mercenaries. No planners, no caterers, no decorators, no musicians, and no priest, because a million and one random saboteurs, both within _and_ without the proceedings, have managed to either scare them off or 'deal with' them."

"Mmmyep," Don Accino hummed, not a care in the world.

"And you expect us to fill dose woles?" Carue asked.

"The priest comes with the church… but besides that, yes," Accino replied.

"I see. Normally, that wouldn't be unreasonable, we have a wide variety of talents amongst our crew that we could use," I said, very slowly and clearly. "But you also told us that the setting for the wedding is a seafaring chapel, which is set between your turf and theirs. And said chapel is only in these waters for today, and will be departing before nightfall."

"Precisely."

" **In short…** _ **you want us**_ _to plan,_ _ **prepare**_ _**AND**_ **safeguard this wedding…"**

Accino apparently saw where we were going, as he and his family promptly raised their hands to cover their ears.

Wise choice.

" _IN THE SPACE OF THREE HOURS?!"_

I dropped my hand into my face with a sigh even as my ears rang from Vivi's irate scream. "Now _that's_ what I call another goddamn shoe."

 **Hornet AN: Now taking bets on how bad the fustercluck is going to be!**

 **Xomniac AN: If you think you might be lowballing, then you clearly are!**

 **Patient AN: Ah, what fun this is…**


	51. Chapter 46 - Ice Hunter Pt 2

**Chapter 46**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Edit as of January 23, 2017. To DuncanIdaho2014:**

 **Claim that we're the greatest if you wish. But the fact remains that you have cemented your position as our rival by claiming the mantle of the most popular One Piece fan fiction. We offer you our heartfelt congratulations, and eagerly look forward to seeing what you come up with next.**

 **…And just as much? We look forward to when we finally clash to see who is most worthy of the title. May the best fan (or fans) win.**

"Y'know, in hindsight?" I mused as I stared over the edge of one of the _many_ pews lying on their sides scattered across the room. "I don't know why I expected, even for a second, any outcome other than this."

'This', by the by, was the absolutely massive free-for-all brawl that was raging before me in the center of the once grand and noble Seafaring Parish of St. Jude Thaddeus, the Patron Saint of _Hope_ of all things, with said brawl being composed of a great many individuals, who themselves were all wielding a variety of weapons, if they chose to wield weapons at all.

Soundbite poked his eyes over the edge of the pew so that he could give the fight a bored once-over. "YOU KNOW THE MOST _ironic thing?"_ he dully noted. " _ **Our crewmates aren't even**_ **CAUSING THE WORST OF THE DAMAGE.** _ **MOST OF THEM**_ _GOT THE HELL OUT OF DODGE_ **when the shit started flying, they're waiting outside."**

 _That_ little tidbit prompted me to slap my hand to my forehead, and I knocked the back of my head against my cover even as I watched an Accino grunt fly above me and slam into the wall.

"Three hours…" I groaned. "How did we manage to screw shit up so badly in _three hours?"_

 **~o~**

Thinking back, I have to admit that for once, not _all_ the fault was on our shoulders.

Allow me to be perfectly clear: the fiasco that my crew went through in an attempt to organize this… _event?_ It was enough to guarantee that if I _ever_ got married, it was either going to be with no less than a full year of preparation or in a small, quiet (Soundbite _howled_ with laughter when I told him that later, and I… didn't really have it in myself to protest) ceremony that would be tossed together in three hours, maybe less.

Where to even start… bah, the beginning's as good as anywhere, I suppose. Our first order of business while we waited for the church to arrive was to deal with Don Accino's flag collection. Not too bad; while half of the Accinos kept the Don busy with preparing their own ship and hitching it to the Sunny, Robin, Luffy, Chopper, Merry, and I went through the— _ergh_ —trophies.

To elaborate, aside from Robin, who was handling the Don's sizeable ledger with her nearly bottomless well of knowledge on the subject-matter, Luffy had apparently decided to dredge up another lesson from Shanks and was present as a sign of respect, and I was there so that Soundbite and Merry could assist with any identification that lay outside Robin's purview; after all, most of the flags had had the ships' souls imprinted within them, and those that didn't still had voices of their own.

As sadly expected, while the vast majority of the emblems hailed from ruthless and bloodthirsty crews that left Merry and Soundbite reeling, we still had to bury over a quarter of the collection away from the Don's prying eyes. As for the rest, well… let's just say that if Hockera noticed Chopper passing by and cracking open a vial or two or ten containing spores from a cloth-devouring mold he'd altered to be hyper-aggressive when given plenty of heat and moisture, he didn't mention it. Took us just over ten minutes to finish up.

From there, we travelled to the chapel. Also not too bad; with Sunny's paddle system, Nami bending the wind to our favor, and Conis, Lassoo, and Usopp providing some extra thrust, we made it to the church (and if St. Jude Thaddeus wasn't proof that the World Government knew what it was doing where floating buildings were concerned, I'll eat my gauntlets) in the space of half an hour.

All told, actually reaching the church took about, oooh, forty minutes or so? Leaving us with—

 **-2 HOURS, 20 MINUTES REMAINING-**

From there, we actually started working on setting up the wedding. Our first order of business was the division of labor, and big surprise, that was when our troubles chose to rear their heads.

 **-o-**

"Alright, everybody, listen up!" I announced, sweeping my eyes over our assembled crew.

The building we were in, I'll admit, was a nice place. Massive double doors opening from the antechamber into a large room with a domed ceiling, windows at the top allowing light to come in. A few dozen pews lined up in four rows provided space for a few hundred people, maybe even a thousand. One corner had a large organ and a couple of dozen chairs, clearly intended for the choir, while statues, carvings, and mosaic murals decorated the walls and pillars. A cross-shaped pool easily big enough for half a dozen people to fit in, filled to the brim with water, was at the front, and a slightly elevated dais with a large altar and two throne-like chairs was at the front and center of the room.

Yet the only Bible I could see was sitting on a small table between the two chairs. You'd think they'd have more than one…

I drew my thoughts away from that as I looked at the crew, Luffy hanging from the rafters but everyone else in states of relative calm. 'Relative' being the key word there, given that Accino was looming behind me and cooking my backside, with his kids standing at his sides.

"Now," I started hesitantly, glancing over my shoulder at the Heat-Human standing behind me. "I realize that this is all kind of nutty, and rather touch-and-go, and I know that we don't really have a plan of action—!"

"Ah, actually, Cross?" Vivi interrupted.

A glance at her revealed that she was holding a small packet of notes about an inch thick.

"Uh…?" I slowly raised a finger questioningly.

"I… drew these up on the way here?" she smiled tentatively.

"You outlined an entire wedding plan in under an hour," Nami deadpanned, clearly not believing a word our crew's Princess said.

"…experience as a royal?"

I took a moment to weigh the pros and cons of calling Vivi on the blatant bull-honkey she was peddling before coming to and voicing my conclusion of "I could care less if you got them from the devil himself. Alright, Vivi, you've apparently got the plans, that means you've also got point. I'll help you supervise, try and keep things from going pear-shaped."

"Ah… o-okay, then…" Vivi shuffled through her notes before taking a calming breath and regarding our friends with… relative amounts of confidence, but still confidence. "Okay, okay. First, the obvious delegation: Sanji, you'll be handling the catering."

"But of course, dear Vivi," Sanji bowed to the Princess before addressing the Don. "Two hours is more than enough time to prepare a banquet fit for a wedding. So, does the father of the bride—"

" _Underage~"_ Soundbite sang softly.

"Still need _hors d'oeuvres,"_ Sanji smoothly added, his menacing grin prompting Soundbite to snap back into his shell. "As I was saying, does the father of the bride have any preferences for the menu?"

The Don made a careless gesture, upon which Arbell, with a wrinkled expression, handed our cook a list. Sanji started scanning it, and it took all of five seconds for the blood to evacuate his face. "…Vivi? Do you already have something planned for Chopper?" he croaked.

"Uh…" Vivi cocked her eyebrow uncertainly. "Uuunless any medical emergencies come up, no. Why?"

"Yeah, Sanji, why would you need my help?" Chopper questioned with a tilt of his head.

"Because _this_ is the menu the good Mister Accino wants me to cook," Sanji answered, gulping audibly as he stuck the paper before the reindeer's face. When Chopper started to frown in confusion, Sanji tapped a section of the page. "These numbers here? These are _Scoville counts."_

Chopper's pupils snapped into pinpricks, and he slowly looked up with a haunted gaze. " _I'm gonna need a_ lot _of liquid nitrogen and milk…_ _ **and some heat-resistant suits couldn't hurt either."**_

"On our ship, in the back," Arbell deadpanned, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder.

" _ **Thank you kindly."**_ Chopper tipped his hat at the Accino heir before ambling off, a fervently muttering Sanji right on his heels.

"Uhh…" Vivi hummed uncomfortably before glancing up at the Don. "Sir, I realize that _your_ abilities will serve to protect _you_ , but what about—?"

"Ohh, don't worry, Princess," Accino smirked around his cigar. "I'm entirely aware that my proposed menu will almost definitely melt the mouth of anyone who has some, and not just from how delicious it is. After all…" He crossed his arms proudly and straightened to his maximum height and girth. "Just because I need the Hirunos here and for this wedding to proceed properly does _not_ mean I either need _or_ want those bastards to be comfortable. And if they starve? So be it!"

I felt a sweatdrop hanging from my head, and _saw_ one hanging from everyone else on the crew.

Vivi's, it should be noted, was _particularly_ large. "Oh, this is going to be _fun…"_ she groaned acridly before turning her gaze upward. "Anyway, moving on, Luffy, you— _oh, for the love of Kek."_

"Oh, this is going to be _really_ fun," I deadpanned as I stared up at the blatantly _empty_ rafters, then at Soundbite. "Hey, Sanji, just a heads-up: Luffy's MIA."

" _Of course he is,"_ the cook sighed wearily. " _Bah, if he wants a taste, then he can have it. With any luck, it'll be enough to lay him out flat."_

"And since when have we ever been _that_ lucky?" Vivi mused as she shuffled through her notes. "Anyway. Franky, Usopp, it sounds like you'll have to handle building the decorations and painting this place by yourselves. Is that alright with you?"

Our mechanically-and-artistically-inclined crewmates nodded in acceptance—

"Oh! Oh oh oh!"

—Only for Merry to interrupt by jumping in her seat and waving her arms eagerly.

"They won't be alone!" she promised. "I can help them both out! After all, I have their skillsets in my skull, so anything they can do, I can do just as well! I'll just pull double-duty to help them out!"

"Eh…" Much to our surprise, it was actually Arbell who chose that moment to speak up, her voice… almost gentle!? "Are you really sure that you can keep up with your crewmates? After all, your body _is_ pretty young."

"Hm… that's actually a fair point!" Merry mused, making a show of tapping her chin 'thoughtfully'. "Allow me to offer you my calm and measured rebut _RAGH!"_ Franky and Zoro were forced to move swiftly to grab the caravel's arms and hoist her flailing form into the air before she could leap at Arbell, her teeth gnashing violently.

"Yo, Merry, calm your tits!" Raphey called out. "Save it for—"

The dugong froze as the shipgirl pinned her with a glare that could peel paint. "Bitch, my tits _are_ calm," Merry said in a deceptively even voice. "The left one is named Siddhartha Buddha and the right one is Vardhamana Mahavira, and together they are lactating a veritable _font_ of _peace and understanding._ It is the _rest_ of me that's pissed. AND AS FOR YOU!" Her blistering glare and tone regained their heat as she snapped her attention back to Arbell, who to her credit didn't even flinch. " _I'LL RIP YER BLOOMERS OFF AND STUFF 'EM DOWN YER BLOODY GULLET! YERS AND ALL YER ICE-LUBBIN' FLAG-STEALIN'—"_

"Mute," I deadpanned, snapping my fingers.

"…? …!" Merry stopped trying to speak as she realized that she had been muted. Then, glowering, she reached into her coat, and pulled out a—

I facepalmed. "You _planned_ for this?" I groaned.

"…" Merry was… well, _silent_ as she peered out from beneath the red and white cap she had donned.

"Right, moving the damned hell along before I can really get freaked out by this." I shook my head vigorously as I snapped my attention back to Arbell. "So, just in case you happened to miss it, _yes,_ she's definitely up for this."

"Glad to hear it…" Accino growled out as he ashed a cigar from both ends. "Now get her out of my sight before I lay a lesson about _respecting her superiors_ on her backside she won't soon forget. Or _ever."_

"…!" A flash of fear came over Merry's expression, and she, Usopp, and Franky promptly skedaddled out of the room.

"…I need to get a hat like that," Lil muttered to herself.

"Right!" Vivi clapped her hands together imperiously. "Moving on. Who here has experience with the piano or organ?"

Robin smiled as she splayed the fingers on the extra hands she'd suddenly acquired. "I like to think that I'm quite proficient. After all…" A slightly wistful look came over her. "Nobody ever pays attention to the lonely piano man…"

"Ah…" Vivi blinked in surprise. "Wait, that phrase… where do I—?"

"Ah!" Robin's arms disintegrated into petals as her face suddenly flushed. "I'll, ah, just be getting to that—!"

"Oh, yeah, now I wemembah!" Carue slapped his wing to his forehead. "Dat's a wine fwom ' _Da Woved and Da Wovewess!'_ You know, dat _twashy_ West Bwue womance novel you— _WACK!"_

"I will pluck you nude and cook you into a turducken," Robin calmly stated, her usual serene smile in place but her arms twitching murderously as they held Carue in place. After a moment of silence, the arms evaporated. "So, I assume the sheet music is on the instrument in question?"

Hockera nodded frantically, and Robin walked off, leaving us watching her with no small amount of fear.

"…Right," Vivi piped up, snapping my attention back to her. "Now, Mister Accino, so long as your family is handling the wardrobe…?" She heaved a sigh of relief when the Hot-Human nodded. "Alright, then that's everything for the wedding proper, meaning all that's left is our main priority: security. Carue, if you wouldn't mind organizing things properly?"

"Of couwse, Vivi!" Carue saluted proudly.

"Hrmph," Accino snorted doubtfully, taking a drag from his cigar. "You're leaving security up to the _duck?"_

"No, she ishn't."

 _THWAP!_

In that instant, I mirrored the Accino-heirs _perfectly_ in that I nearly pissed my pants when Carue jumped up and smacked the freaking _cigar_ from Don Accino's mouth.

"She's entwusting the secuwity to the individuaw who's been her pewsonaw _bodyguawd_ her entire wife," Carue stated. "And fow da wecawd, I'm wiwwing to take a wot of fwak… but my pwide as a captain in da Awabastan Militawy and Vivi's guawd is _not_ something I will _evah_ wet anyone mock. _Got it?"_

I gained an entirely new respect for Carue in that moment as he maintained his firm expression, but said respect was _vastly_ overshadowed by the existential dread I felt as the ambient temperature slowly cranked up to levels where I felt like I was right back in the middle of He—I mean Alabasta. Neither Vivi nor Carue, however, even flinched.

Unfortunately for all of us observing, the standoff dragged on for a minute, but then, out of the blue, the temperature snapped right back to normal, and a smirk grew on Don Accino's face as he fished out another cigar and placed it in his mouth. "Continue," he invited.

Most of us shared dumbstruck looks, while Carue settled for snorting gratefully. "Gwad to have yoah appwoval. Now!" He clapped his wings together. "Wisten up! Evewyone we have weft will be spwit intah thwee teams tah cover evewy angle. Fiwst, Don." He looked back at our 'clients'. "I'm guessing dat you've got a buncha gifts foah dis mess?"

"Condolence gifts from our friends," Campacino explained.

"But we got twice as many as we expected, so…" Brindo waved his hand side to side uncomfortably.

Carue slapped a wing to his face with a groan. "Ah'f couwse. Twelfth birthday aww ovew again, Stomp _stiww_ has a stain in his feathahs… awight, Su, Wassoo, Funkfweed, you'we all with me. We'we be keeping watch ovah dah pwesents and dah ones with good noses wiww be weeding out da 'supwises'. Zowo, Nami, Conis, you thwee'll head outside and handle any thweats coming by sea owah—and aye _can't_ bewieve this is actuawwy a possibiwity—by aiw. And finawwy, Boss, you and your students head undahwatah. If you see anything even vaguewy thweatening, punch it untiw it's not. Evewyone awight with that?"

There was a chorus of vague agreements…

"Actually."

And a single protest from the _worst_ person it could come from.

Carue twitched uncomfortably before glancing up at Don Accino. "Yes, Mistah Accino?" he asked uneasily.

"Oh, don't get your feathers in a snag, duck," the Don said dismissively. "Most of your plan is fine and good, but I do have _one_ proviso. For the underwater guard force."

"Come again?" Boss almost demanded.

"Yeah!" Mikey nodded in agreement. "In case you haven't noticed, we're _amphibious!_ Where do you _want_ us, guarding the sky!? Nami's already got that— _GRK!"_

Mikey was interrupted and left gasping by a blast of hot air Accino snorted at him. "Would you rather wind up on my dinner plate, lightly steamed with butter?" he bit out.

The dugong shook his head with a pained wheeze, Raphey and Leo glaring at the heat-human in his place.

Don Accino took a calming drag from his cigar before continuing. "Anyways. Knowing this crew, and more specifically _you_ _five,_ I require some extra security to ensure that you don't try anything clever—or more likely, _shell-headed—_ in an effort to slip out of this. As such, I've decided to assign the best of our Fierce Penguins to shadowing you."

Boss and I both stiffened fiercely at that, me from horror and him from… I actually don't know.

"Wait… you don't mean—!" I started to get out.

"I knew this day would come…" Boss ground out.

Before either of us could say anything further, however, Lil brought her fingers to her lips, blew a sharp whistle—

 _SLAM!_

"Aloha, _convicts!"_

And the doors were promptly kicked open by the absolute _last_ quartet of fuzz and feathers that I ever wanted to see and with the leader speaking in the last voice I ever wanted to _hear_ , if _only_ for the sake of preserving the last tattered shreds of my sanity.

I slowly turned a murderous glare on Soundbite. "I… I don't even _know_ what the hell to say to you about this."

"WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT _they say!"_ Soundbite leered right back. " _IF YOU DON'T HAVE_ _ **anything nice to say,**_ **THEN SHUT THE HELL—!"**

"Rico!"

" _HORK!"_

 _PTANG!_

"— _ **GAH!"**_

"Silence, convict!" the lead penguin barked as he jabbed his flipper at my partner. "You all are under _my_ command now! I don't care if you're really some big-shot coolio pirate thanks to your namby-pamby talk show, you will only speak when I say you can and—!"

"Not under your jurisdiction, Skipper," Lil deadpanned.

"— _erk,"_ the unsurprisingly-named… _ergh, Skipper,_ choked.

"Sorry, Miss Lil!" the dopey-looking one piped up in a childish British accent. "Skipper just gets excited from time to time! He always says how he doesn't want to let you—!" _SLAP!_ " _Gah!"_

"No one likes a suck-up, Private," Skipper deadpanned, his flipper still in post-dopeslap position.

Lil shook her head with a glance upwards that was equal parts fond and long-suffering before turning back to us. "These four are by far the strongest I've ever trained. Rico, demolitions and special weapons expert—"

" _HUGH!_ HAHAHAHA!" the wild-looking penguin cackled, vomiting up a lit stick of dynamite and starting to juggle it around.

"Private, a rookie but still surprisingly capable—"

Without warning, Rico lobbed the TNT to Private, who started juggling it between his flippers as he waddled for the door. "Oh no, oh no, oh no—!"

"Kowalski, the—"

"Lemme guess," I cut in with a groan, dragging a hand down my face. "Scientist and tactician?"

"According to my calculations…" the tallest of the penguins announced, whipping out an abacus and slapping around the beads for a second before looking up flatly. "Private _will_ get the dynamite out of the building!"

 _KABOOM!_

" _WAAAAAH—!"_

 _SLAM!_

" _OOF!"_

Kowalski barely even flinched as a smoking Private slammed into and stuck to the wall above us. "Private, however, will _not_ get out of the radius of the blast."

"Called it," I deadpanned, before flinching under the rest of the Accino's glares. "IIII'll shut up now."

"And finally," Lin concluded. "The leader of the squad, the most competent, the most professional, the strongest soldier we have besides Papa—!"

"The Mad Penguin."

We all paused in confusion as someone spoke up, but that question was promptly answered when Boss waddled to the front, his teeth tightly clenched around his cigar, and his eyes unerringly locked on Skipper.

"Of _Gascar,"_ he finished, his tone positively _glacial_.

Skipper, for his part, just blinked at Boss in confusion for a moment before smirking and waddling up to him, staring up at the dugong's mug in spite of the fact that he was twice his height. "Now that's a name I haven't heard in awhile. Haven't seen you in awhile either, _Dissy."_

The captain of our ship's guard narrowed his eyes menacingly. "It's Boss now, Penguin." He took a hard drag of his cigar and blew the smoke right in Skipper's face. "Boss. _Dugong."_

Skipper didn't even flinch at the smoke, instead letting his smirk widen. "Is that so? Well, it's nice to see you again after all these years… _Bessy."_

I darted my weary gaze between the two amphibious fighters before asking what everyone was thinking and what I was dreading. "I take it you two know each other?"

"You could say that," Skipper said, tilting his head at me without ever breaking eye contact with Boss. "Before I came to be under the Accinos' employ, I worked odd jobs here and there around the Line. And every time a job brought me to Alabasta, it always seemed like _Ol'_ Bessy was there to greet me! Heck!" Skipper spun on his talons as he casually snapped a flipper up. "I can't even _remember_ all the times we've clashed! What was it, Bessy, a hundred? _Two_ hundred?"

"Too many to count, Penguin," Boss intoned darkly. "But I only ever endeavor to remember the one: _Erumalu."_

In an _instant,_ Skipper had his snarling beak in Boss's impassive mug. "Don't you _dare_ bring up Erumalu around me, you crossbred son of a barnacle!" he spat.

Boss took a deliberately slow drag from his cigar before blowing _another_ cloud of smoke at the penguin, this time sending an unfortunately nearby Private into a coughing fit. "Make me, _lead wing."_

As we watched the sparks crackle and fly between the two, Soundbite leaned his head towards me. "I WOULD LAUGH _at the appropriateness of the bird's moniker,"_ he hissed. " **But this is way too** _ **cool."**_

"Ditto…" Mikey chuckled eagerly as he gleefully watched the exchange.

"You say 'cool', I say 'annoying as all hell!" Raphey bit out as she warily eyed the three (two and a half, really, Private was still wheezing) penguins that were eyeing them in turn. "These feather-fluff combos nabbed us all through cheating!"

Rico's response to _that_ was to stick his tongue out at her and drag his eyelid down with a flipper, cackling all the while. This, of course, necessitated Mikey hastily grabbing Raphey before she could tackle the mad penguin.

"She has a point, you know… ignoring the physical assault…" Leo groused, a quick exchange of glares with his team's brawler stopping her attempt at attacking, though not her growling. "Why do we have to have _them_ as our guards?"

"Heck, why do we need guards, period? You've studied the SBS, have we ever given the impression that we wouldn't keep our end of a bargain!? Besides Nami, I mean," Donny said, conveniently positioned so that Zoro and Conis were between him and the aforementioned navigator. "No offense, of course."

"None taken," Nami smiled beatifically.

 _ZAP!_

" _YEOWCH!"_

The stench of ozone and cooked dugong that suddenly permeated the air said different.

"We're aware. This is simply a matter of insurance, for both of us," the Don said. "After all, you wouldn't expect us to add _nothing_ to the security ourselves, would you?" He then turned his gaze down to the two leering animals, who promptly dropped their glaring contest in favor of dropping to their knees when the temperature suddenly spiked. "And I expect you to put whatever past you have together behind you until the wedding is complete. _Am I clear?"_

"Y-Yes Don-Boss, sir," Skipper coughed out.

"My word…" Boss groaned. "As a Man."

"Good," Accino snorted as he _thankfully_ killed the heat. "Now, if you need me, I'll be on my ship getting hammered enough that when the Hiruno witch and her brood arrive, I won't instinctively flash-boil everything in a quarter-mile radius. So, unless there's anything else?" His tone clearly said that there'd better damn well not be, and thankfully there wasn't. "Good. Now hurry the hell up and _get to it."_ And with that he headed straight out of the double doors, and soon after everyone who remained slowly trickled off to their assigned posts, though the way Boss and Skipper kept eyeing one another in the process did _not_ fill me with confidence.

Once everyone was gone, Vivi, Soundbite and I briefly stood in silence before Vivi shot me a _far_ too confident smile.

"You know… I think we actually just might pull this off."

 **~o~**

"'Might pull this off', my ass," I grumbled under my breath as I watched a particularly large bounty hunter use a pew as an impromptu club to mow down his competition with. "When we get out of this, I'm gonna host a damn _seminar_ titled 'Lines we do not freaking taunt Murphy with'!"

"AMEN, _**brudda!"**_ Soundbite nodded in agreement. " _ **But for now, I think we should PROBABLY MOVE, FOR WOOD IS WEAK—!"**_

 _SMASH!_ " _GAH!"_

I flinched as an insensate bounty hunter's head crashed through my cover _way_ too close to my own head for comfort. "And their skulls are thick, right. Any ideas?"

" _Uhh…_ OH! _**The food table,**_ **it's FRANKY-BRAND** _ **REINFORCED!**_ **Ya know,** ' _CAUSE LUFFY."_

"Perfect," I nodded. I promptly set about skimming along the ground hidden by whatever mostly-intact pews remained, dodging any bullets, bodies or otherwise improvised projectiles that shot my way as I headed for my aforementioned destination. And there I found someone else taking cover, prompting me to don a flat look.

"You _do_ realize that a good portion of the blame for this situation goes to _you,_ right?" I testily pointed out.

"Ex- _cuse_ me!? If you'll forgive my language, how the _hell_ do you reason _that_ , _Mister Jeremiah?"_ Vivi snapped back with just as much heat. "Everything I did, I did trying to make sure that this was the perfect wedding!"

"We were supposed to _sabotage_ the wedding!" I snapped, flinging my hands up… or, at least, I tried, but still, it was the gesture that counted. "And you were a freaking _nightmare_ to work with the entire time!"

"Oh, please!" Vivi snapped her head away with a sniff. "I was _nowhere_ near that bad!"

 **~o~**

 **-1 HOUR, 30 MINUTES REMAINING-**

"Nononono, this table needs to be 2.68 inches to the north and .54 inches to the east, or the feng shui of the room will be off!" Vivi snapped at the hapless staff (read: mercs she'd brow-beaten into wearing suits). "And the chairs have to be in an exact hexagonal configuration at the specified coordinates! For _all_ the tables!"

"B-b-b-b—" said merc whimpered under Vivi's rage, yelping as she grabbed his collar.

"Did I _stutter?"_

"Y-Yes, ma'am, I-I-I mean no ma'am, I mean _hurry the hell up already before she castrates me!"_ the poor man barked to his colleagues, who swiftly scrambled to fulfill the request.

Taking a deep sigh, Vivi took a step back and began inspecting the decorations Merry, Franky, and Usopp were still putting up, frowning. I had gotten very good at deciphering her frowns over the last fifteen minutes, and thankfully this one was the 'I'm still deciding if you screwed up, don't disappoint me' frown.

While she was doing this, another one of the suited mercs walked up to her, his knees visibly shaking. "Uh, Miss Vivi?'

"Not right now," she said, still eyeing the decorations.

"Miss Vivi, this is very importa—"

"Yes, yes, I'm sure," Vivi absentmindedly waved, eyes zeroing in on Franky—who had just arranged some of the lace streamers to vaguely resemble a cannon firing. "Franky! Rearrange those, we can't be having _any_ violent motifs at a wedding!"

"Aw, c'mon!" Franky snapped. "It barely looks like a cannon! And besides, this is a bunch of _bounty hunters!_ They'd love it!"

"Just change it!"

"Alright, alright, keep your shirt on… HEY, MERRY, MIND LENDING ME A HAND!"

"BIT BUSY UP HERE!" Merry called down from the rafters, where she and Usopp were hanging via an admittedly impressive set of ropes.

Vivi shot a momentary glance up at the pair before snapping her full attention to them. "LESS WHITE, MORE BLUE!"

"INDEED!" Brindo (the twin wearing _red,_ of all people) yelled up in agreement as he rolled a table into place. "AFTER ALL, THE BLUE OF THE SEA AND THE ICE _IS_ OUR NOBLE FAMILY'S COLOR!"

"WHAT!?" Campacino (the other, _blue_ -wearing twin) shouted from across the hall, where he _had_ been helping carry a stack of chairs before dropping them off in the arms of the nearest (and going by the way he staggered under the weight, woefully under-muscled) merc to him. "DEAR BROTHER, SURELY YOU ARE JOKING! CLEARLY, WHAT WITH THE BLOOD OF OUR ENEMIES AND THE RADIANCE OF OUR FATHER'S ABILITIES, _RED_ IS THE COLOR OF OUR FAMILY MOST NOBLE!"

The pair of them exchanged looks of irritation, and then, with the nonsense that Oda _himself_ had come up with, they glowed red and blue, flew towards each other from opposite sides of the room by 'twin magnetism'…

"EN GARDE YOU—!"

 _SLAM!_

" _ARGH!"_

And opened their brawl with a mirrored pair of hooks to one another's jaws.

"If you two make a mess, I'll make sure no one can tell where one of you starts and the other one ends," Vivi promised, before glaring up at our paint-adept again. "AND WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU TWO WORKING?"

"Uh… we don't know which one to listen to?" Usopp answered uneasily.

"JUST PICK A NAME OUT OF A HAT!"

Usopp started to nod before shooting a bemused look at Merry. "I… can't remember which had which name… or which supported which color scheme either. You?"

Merry responded by giving him a flat look before slapping her hands together. "I'm out. HEY, FRANKY, LOOK OUT ABOVE!" And before our sniper could react, she slipped out of her harness and dropped onto our shipwright's shoulders.

Thankfully, Vivi chose to nod at that, _somehow_ satisfied, and I flinched as she turned her gaze on me, her eyes all but quite literally blazing behind… her…

"Where the hell did she get that monocle?" I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.

"DIDN'T SEE, _too scared!"_ Soundbite whimpered from within his shivering shell.

" _AHEM?"_

"Yes'm!" I yelped, snapping to attention under Vivi's piercing gaze.

She sniffed haughtily at my reaction before directing her attention at my snail. "Connect me to Sanji," she ordered in a tone that brooked no argument.

For a moment, my mind was at war, self-preservation clashing with thrill-seeking, disrespect for authority, and pride. And then common sense whacked pride upside the head and knocked it out, leveling the playing field and allowing me to make the smart decision.

"Well, you heard the woman," I told Soundbite.

" _ **God knows I**_ **wish I hadn't…"** he moaned back, but nevertheless there was a moment of static, and then—

" _Little busy at the moment, Cross,"_ Sanji replied, sounding decidedly strained.

"Not Cross, _me,"_ Vivi stated. "Status report, Sanji."

" _Gah!"_ Sanji yelped frantically. " _O-Of course, Princess! Sweet, sweet, beautiful princess who I serve hand and foot and I definitely do_ not _want to tell to go away at this moment, just give me a second to… HEY, YOU! GET OVER HERE AND HOLD THIS!… alright, there we go. Ah, anyway, let's see… alright, the main dishes will be ready on time, despite the… eccentric menu."_ Soundbite's shell shivered again. " _I swear, where the hell did he get a recipe for liquid_ smoke…? _On an unrelated note, I really hope you don't need Chopper anytime soon, because my help is rotating through him like clockwork, and if I lose him, I'm screwed."_

"Duly noted," Vivi nodded. "And the cake?"

" _In the oven, and the frosting and decorations are being made as we speak."_ There was a pregnant pause over the line before Sanji continued. " _The, ah, specifications, though… I'd never question you, my dear princess, but these are very exacting and I don't trust any of these yahoos to do it right. But I also don't want to be away from the main prep for so long—"_

"That's by design," Vivi interrupted. "The banquet's a lost cause, what with the Don's specifications."

" _Tell me about it,"_ Sanji groaned despondently. " _I'm brewing and serving the 'punch' in a cast iron pot! It's melted everything else!"_

" _ **Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble!"**_

" _At least_ Chopper's _having fun keeping it stable… though now I'm going to have to have someone keep an eye on this thing to make sure it isn't_ breathing."

"…Anyway," Vivi picked up, shaking off the bemusement of what she heard and getting back into her professional form. "The banquet is a lost cause, but the cake has to be _perfect."_

There was a brief pause before Sanji spoke up again. " _Even the runes on the gazebo?"_

"They're hieroglyphs, not runes, but yes, even the hieroglyphs on the gazebo."

" _As my princess wishes,"_ Sanji sighed, the line going dead…

"Pst, Sanji!"

Until I reopened it.

" _Cross, wha—!?"_

"Look, just tell me real quick," I hissed as I spared a glance at Vivi, who was thankfully not looking my way. "Does this place have any salt in its storerooms?"

" _What are you—Ugh, yes, there are a ton of salt bags back here, what about it?"_

I heaved a sigh of relief. "Glad to hear it. Now, make sure to smuggle what bags you can onto the Sunny when you get the opening, as much as you can manage."

" _What!? Cross, I swear, if this is some kind of a stupid joke or something—!"_

"I'm deadly serious!" I interrupted him with as much emphasis as I could manage and still keep quiet. "The next fight we go into is going to be a nightmare already, and it'll only be bigger unless we stockpile as much salt as you can grab! Got it?"

There was a tense silence for a moment before Sanji heaved a sigh. " _Yeah, alright, you make it sound pretty serious. I'll wave in some of the Dugongs to get it done. Just… try and reign in Vivi while you're out there, alright?"_

"You're kidding, right?" I scoffed even as I cut my hand across my throat and returned my attention to her.

Thankfully, the Princess had lapsed into blessed, thoughtful silence. But sadly, it didn't last long before she turned to a large table shoved into the back of the chapel. It was groaning under the weight of the gaudily wrapped wedding presents which Lassoo and Funkfreed were warily sniffing and prodding at. Seriously, I think some of the wrapping was actual gold. Also, for some reason or other, there seemed to be _something_ struggling under the tablecloth, but I _very_ firmly decided to ignore that.

"How are things going with the presents, Carue?" the Princess asked.

The duck looked up at her with a tortured squawk. "So faw, we've defused a dozen bombs, got wid of at weast ten packages of poisoned food, got wid of half a dozen packages that wewen't deadwy but _weally_ shouldn't go to someone wemotely cwose tah hew age, and thwee ow fouw packages dat had _wive_ contents. A hownet's nest, a sedated wild boaw, a supwisingwy aggwesive swoth—"

"GAH!" Su gasped as she stuck her head out from under the table and panted in exhaustion, her usually pristine fur frazzled and wet. "And one… very determined… pygmy sperm whale… that I think has some squid or octopus blood in it."

Soundbite poked an eyestalk out of his shell so that he could… well, _eye_ her. "YOU HOLDING _up alright?"_

Su panted a second longer before grinning confidently and sticking up her paw in what I assumed was an approximation of a thumbless thumbs-up. "I'm… wearing him down!"

Her grin then died when a tentacle stuck out from under the table. "Oh, no, not agai— _WAGH!"_ Aaand with that she was yanked back under the table and the struggle picked up anew.

Carue stared at the struggle for a moment before looking up sheepishly. "It's a wowk in pwogwess."

"So I see," Vivi muttered, and I braced for another outburst. "Well, just keep the duds out of sight and it should be fine. Now, what else…"

The former princess trailed off in thought, not noticing another besuited merc walking up to her. "Uh, Miss Vivi?" he said. She gave no sign that she'd heard, and the merc shot us a pleading look. Soundbite and I glanced at each other, and shrugged in a 'what can you do' sort way. Sighing, the merc shook his head and spoke up again. "Miss Vivi?"

Silence.

The merc's face hardened, and he completely ignored my frantic head-shaking in favor of loudly clearing his throat. "Oi! Miss Vivi?"

I think the glare Vivi shot over her shoulder at the poor bastard managed to stop my heart just as long as his. " _What?"_

"Ah… N-N-Never mind, Miss Vivi," he simpered. "I'm… sure it's not _that_ important in the long run."

" **Good,"** she nodded firmly before turning her attention away and wandering off. "Now, who would have an idea of the proper seating arrangements…"

Once she was a ways away, Soundbite slowly poked his head out of his shell with a grimace. "GOD SAVE US _from the princess!"_

"At this point?" I sighed. "I'd take the _devil_ if he offered."

I then proceeded to freeze as a tinkling giggle echoed through the rafters.

"ON THE OTHER HAND!" I yelped, making a bolt for it. " _WAIT THE HELL UP, PRINCESS!"_

 **~o~**

Vivi maintained her glare for a moment longer before glancing away and poking her fingers together. "I… alright, I admit to having _maybe_ gone a bit overboard… but!" She snapped her finger up as she defiantly met my gaze. "In my defense, I was just trying to make this wedding the best it could be!"

" _We were supposed to_ tank _the wedding, you blue-haired bimbo!"_ I grabbed her shoulders with a roar. "The Accino kids wanted to make sure that their sister _didn't_ get married!"

A blue hue slowly fell over Vivi's face. "…riiiiight…"

"SERIOUSLY!" Soundbite barked. " _You've been eccentric and ditzy_ _ **in the past, BUT THIS!?**_ **WHAT THE HELL, BITCH!?"**

"Uhhh…" Vivi hedged uncertainly as she looked anywhere but at me. "In my defense, it's failing spectacularly anyway?"

A spectacular _SMASH_ rang out at just that instant, but utterly failed to sway my partner or I.

" _Try again,"_ we snarled in synch.

Vivi's mouth flapped uselessly for a second before she hung her head with a defeated sigh. "So… I might not have been entirely honest with you all."

I slapped a hand to my face with a groan. "Of _fucking_ course. About what, exactly?"

"About _these._ " Vivi felt around in her pockets for a moment before withdrawing and holding out… a familiar pack of notes? Wait a…

"The wedding plan?" I questioned incredulously.

"I… didn't really come up with it on the spot," she admitted shamefacedly. "It was something I'd been working on for years, ever since I was a little girl. Ever since I realized that I had feelings for…" Vivi trailed off into silence as a blush crawled up her cheeks.

Still, it wasn't like she had to say anything further, seeing as I managed to make the necessary connection. "Hieroglyphs… why didn't I realize sooner?" I winced sympathetically. "All this… you were stressing out and micromanaging because you were essentially setting up your _own_ wedding, weren't you?"

Vivi nodded with a weary sigh of her own. "I just… with how things are, with the World Government and my bounty and everything… I love the crew, I really do—!"

"Never doubted it for a second."

"But…" Vivi rubbed her arm, not looking me in the eye. "I just… after everything that's happened… I wanted one thing, my childhood dream…" She smiled tearfully. "To go _right…_ you know?"

I was silent for a second before slowly smiling and reaching my hand out to grasp Vivi's shoulder. "Vivi… no matter what, you'll always be one of my best friends in the world. You know that, right?"

Vivi's smile remained in place as she nodded.

"Then as your friend, I just want you to know I bear you no malice when I say this." I grimaced uncomfortably. "Your real wedding… is probably not gonna be much different from this."

Vivi's expression froze so hard I could hear the sound of shattering glass.

…no, wait, that was one of the light fixtures being yanked down from the ceiling.

"Excuse me?" she croaked uncertainly.

"Well… I mean, isn't it kind of obvious?" I asked as though it were, well, the most obvious thing in the world. "Think about it: as I just said, we're your friends. That means that come hell, high water or lack of invitation, we will _all_ be attending your wedding. And considering what happened _this_ time the Straw Hat Pirates were involved with a wedding, well…" I gestured helplessly at the chaos occurring just a few feet from us.

A most _astounding_ explosion rang out at that instant, accompanied by a pained cry of " _MY LEG!"_ , though that last one might have been Soundbite's doing.

"Yeah, that."

For the most part, Vivi's face remained frozen in a rictus grin, though her eye did start to twitch in what I suspected was an unhealthy manner.

"But, hey!" I grinned cheerily, lightening my tone in what I hoped was a supportive manner. "Look on the bright side: no matter how much of an unmitigated disaster it is, you'll still be surrounded by your friends and family who love you very, very—!"

" **CROSS."**

My words died in my throat when I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of a horizon-to-horizon desert, at the foot of a very large, very golden and very radiant throne that was flanked by an equally radiant and titanic pair of cobra statues—no, wait, they were moving. Cobras. _Actual_ giant-ass glowing cobras.

"…eh?" I breathed in confusion, tilting my head up to look at said throne.

I was met with the sight of a figure of pure power and authority glaring down at me with near unbridled contempt.

" **RUN."**

" _RUNNING!"_ I yelped, bolting out from under the table and into the chaos, leaping over the bazooka-launched cannonball that just so happened to try and occupy the space where my head was, ducking under the massive axe that tried to pass through the space where my neck was…

" _ **GRAH!"**_

"GAH!"

Aaand finally wincing as Vivi bodily tackled me to the ground and flipped me over so that she was looming menacingly over Soundbite and I.

" **I will feast upon your entrails,"** Vivi hissed at me, Lion Cutters at the ready to disembowel me so that she could offer Sanji the requisite ingredients for said meal.

I began frantically looking around for something that I could use to fend her off… and unfortunately, I found one.

"Ah… Vivi? I think that we have more pressing issues at the moment."

" **Like** _ **what?"**_

I swallowed heavily as I slowly pointed a shaking finger over her shoulder. "Like her," I squeaked.

" _YOU!"_

Vivi's rage died swift and hard as she snapped her head around in horror. " _Meep…"_

And believe you me, Vivi's reaction was _entirely_ appropriate, given her first encounter with the Matriarch of the Hiruno Famiglia not more than an hour ago.

 **~o~**

 **-1 HOUR REMAINING-**

"Princess Nefertari!"

I glanced up from the clipboard Vivi had handed off to me to catch sight of Arbell hastily approaching us, gnawing on her thumb with a level of anxiety uncharacteristic of someone who was wearing a furred coat and a tutu without a hint of shame. "This should be good for a laugh…" I mused.

" _I COULD_ **sure as hell** _ **use one…"**_ Soundbite muttered, his voice unimpeded by the bundle of pens Vivi had stuck in his mouth.

"Hmm?" the princess barely glanced up from… whatever she'd been doing.

"You need to drop whatever it is you're doing, right away!"

 _That_ managed to get Vivi to snap her head up, albeit with an aggravated growl. "And why in the name of _Set_ would I do that?"

Arbell grimaced as though she were on the edge of ralphing. "Because the Hiruno Famiglia has been sighted on the horizon and will arrive soon, and Papa wants—!"

"Demands!" Hockera corrected as he jogged past us towards the front door.

"Grgh…" Arbell dragged her hand down her face. "Yes, yes, Papa _demands_ that you be there to greet them. Best impressions and all that, _for all that they're damnably wasted on those uncouth sons of…"_

"Dear, your blood pressure," Salchow pleaded desperately as he came up behind his wife and rubbed her shoulders. "Best behavior, remember?"

Arbell glanced at her husband out of the corner of her eye. "Don't you hate them as much as I do?"

" _More,"_ Salchow spat with a grimace. "I just find it more satisfying to fluster them with politeness and veiled snark than get up in their faces about it. So chin up, and let's get to it!"

Vivi returned the grimace and shook her head with a sigh. "Oh, very well, if I have to. Where do you—?"

"Ah, Vivi!" I yelped, hastily stepping in front of her. "Lemme just…" I swiftly raised my hand as if to brush at her hair, causing her to flinch, and then I used my other one to snatch her monocle off before her eyes reopened. "Alright, good to go!"

Vivi blinked her eyes open and smiled beatifically. "Thank you, Cross, I appreciate it." She then grinned uncertainly. "But… um… would you mind coming with me? Just in case."

I sighed in relief as I subtly stuffed the damned eyepiece I was holding in my back pocket to be properly disposed of later. "Be right there with you."

She smiled gratefully, and a hasty bit of scrambling later—though I did spare a moment to appreciate the archway that Franky and Merry had constructed above the inner double doors—found me lingering off to the side, partly in shadow but within clear view and eyeshot of Vivi, while she and the Accino children—save for Lil, who was still in the back, most likely due to the whole 'brides and grooms' tradition—stood a short distance behind the double doors that led to the outside. They were the picture of class and etiquette, save for how Brindo and Campacino were bruised and growling at one another and Arbell was grinding her teeth like a chainsaw.

The tension was palpable, as evidenced by the temperature rapidly mounting due to a surprisingly sober-looking Don Accino marching down the aisle and grumbling acridly as he adjusted his tie. "Alright, everyone here? Good," he snorted darkly. "Now I know we hate them and they hate us, but let's just try and get through this so that we only ever have to interact through our subordinates, agreed?"

"Yes, Papa," the Accino children chorused, though my angle of view let me catch sight of them all crossing their fingers behind their backs.

"Ah… Mister Accino?" Vivi raised her finger hesitantly. "It just occurred to me now, but… am I to assume that you've already briefed the Hirunos about our… unique situation, since you wanted me to be here to greet them?"

Accino coughed slightly and glanced to the side. " _A-_ ctually, they think you've all gone through Lovely Land's treatment and become compliant, are thus part of the dowry and that once we're done here we'll be giving you to the Marines for your bounties."

"Ah, thank you, I just wanted to clear that _I BEG YOUR PARDON!?"_ Vivi shrieked.

 _SLAM!_ _ **WHOOOOSH!**_

Any further protest was killed by the doors to the outside slamming open via an obscenely stereotypical blast of cold air. After I got over my initial shivers from the frigid gale, I looked up and got my first look at the Hiruno Famiglia.

As the name implied, they were _definitely_ mafia-themed, as demonstrated by the way the mooks flanking them were all dressed in spic and span suits. However, in terms of actual size, the family proper was no bigger than the Accinos, with only three individuals _really_ standing out.

Heck, one of the three standing at the front wasn't all that scary; in fact, he was rather, well… _pitiful._ I mean, between the fact that he had barely any muscle on his bones, pasty pale skin, greasy black hair, sunken eyes and the way he seemed to keep twitching at anything and everything that moved, _including_ his own shadow? I was honestly questioning whether or not one of Moriah's puppets had made a run for it. But going by the way the kid—and he was definitely a kid—barely scraped four-and-a-half feet tall? It looked like the poor bastard was our _groom._

But still, for all that the kid was pitiful, the _rest_ of his family more than made up for it by chilling me to the bone with a menacing aura that was definitely top-ten I'd encountered _._

The… _marginally_ less vile-looking of the two was a lanky male that reminded me of pre-Garp Helmeppo, if only by the aura his slicked back steel-gray hair and pince-nez gave off. Though to his credit, he was at _least_ a little better built than Helmeppo. Still, his Helmeppo-ness was _definitely_ emphasized by the quartet of… surprisingly identical-looking guards flanking him. All were dressed in tuxedos, and while the fact that they were all toting increasingly large violin cases would have _normally_ made me think they were packing, the way their leader was tapping what looked to be a conductor's baton in his hand made me think twice. Honestly, I suppose it was only logical that there was _someone_ on the Grand Line besides Brook who could incorporate music into their fighting, however much of an air of an ass he projected.

But still, for all that the guy was bad, it was the Hiruno matriarch who really sold that these were the absolute last people you wanted to mess with. She seemed to be the polar opposite of Don Accino: a midget who was only over 3 feet tall, rail thin, and clothed from head to toe in a parka of steel-blue wool, whose hood was stretched over the twin buns her lilac hair was tucked into. Her face was wrinkled like old leather, and the light smile she had on despite her pinched expression was utterly belied by the way she seemed to make me shiver just by _looking_ at her. Overall? _Cold_ was the best, if not _only_ way to describe her.

Which was even more fitting, seeing as when she opened her mouth and spoke, she didn't so much 'speak' as she just flat-out _breathed._ "It's been awhile, Fatso."

Don Accino responded by locking his jaw, presumably to keep from biting clean through his cigar, though for whatever reason he _didn't_ spike the temperature. "Midg—!" he started to rumble before flinching and coughing into his fist. "I mean, _Hiuo."_

Hiuo Hiruno's smile quirked up slightly as she swept one of her arms out. "I trust you recall my beautiful grandsons. My eldest, Pavarotto Hiruno."

I _tried_ to turn my attention to the apparently musical bounty hunter, but the process was made a _bit_ difficult due to the fact that he wasn't standing where I'd last seen him. Rather, he was…

"For the love of _God…"_ I facepalmed in an effort to escape the sight of the smarmy ass kneeling before and holding the hand of an obviously disgusted Arbell.

"Ah, my star-crossed muse," he said, his voice high-pitched and reedy in that way that makes you want to punch whoever it's attached to. "I am so glad to see you again! Once this is over, I shall compose my greatest work, and spread the tale of our love across all the Blues!"

"How… nice…" Arbell bit out, only just managing to bite back her obvious bile in the process. "But as I've already told you _countless times,_ Pavarotto… I'm _already_ spreading the tale of my love across the Blues—!"

"With _me,"_ Salchow snarled, shoving himself between his wife and her… I'll be unduly polite and term him 'admirer'.

Said politeness became even _more_ undue when Pavarotto blankly looked at Salchow for a moment before leaning around him to give Arbell a bemused look. "Still?"

"WELL," Soundbite whistled as Hockera and Brindo restrained a snarling Salchow. " _THAT EXPLAINS the hate-on."_

"Eeyup," I sighed. "Oh, this is gonna be _fun…"_

"And, of course," Hiuo breezed on, entirely ignoring the exchange as she waved at the kid standing at her other side, causing him to flinch fearfully. "My youngest and one of the…" I _swear_ I heard her skin crack as she twisted her mouth into a smile. " _Guests of honor,_ Burrato."

"Uh, a-a-ah…" Burrato swallowed heavily as he stared up at Don Accino's unilaterally massive form and met his impassive gaze, and he shakily raised his hand in an attempt to wave.

"S-S-Satisfacto-oh-no-no-no-I-I-I-mean-Salisbu-t-t-that-is-to-say-Salut-tatio—"

Hiuo's expression didn't even shift an inch as she rammed her heel into her grandson's shin.

It was… a bit disturbing that all the poor bastard did was flinch. "Uh, G-G-Greetings."

Accino scowled, though whether it was at the Hiruno Matriarch's display or the Hiruno Matriarch period I couldn't tell you.

Ignoring said scowl, Hiuo… I _think_ she swept her gaze side-to-side, going by how her head tilted, but it was hard to say with how her eyes were pinched shut. "So, do tell me, where is your contribution to this arrangement of ours, hm? I don't see her anywhere, and I'd _very_ much like to pinch my cute little granddaughter-in-law."

" **Doesn't she mean** _ **pinch her—?"**_ Soundbite asked nervously.

"I doubt it…" I muttered back.

"Lil is in the back," Accino growled as he huffed out a dark cloud of smoke. "And will remain there until the ceremony, as per tradition. For now, I suggest you try and remain patient until the preparations are finished."

"Which I assure you will be within the hour!" Vivi promised as she stepped up with a surprisingly genuine-looking smile. "It's my honor to make the acquaintance of the esteemed matriarch of the Hiruno family. I'm not sure if you recognize me, but—!"

"Oh, no, no, my dear, I assure you, I recognize you perfectly well," Hiuo simpered as she slowly reached her hand out. "Princess Nefertari Vivi, correct?"

Vivi allowed herself to relax marginally as she reached her hand out. Shockingly, Accino actually tensed at that.

"Princess, _don't!"_ he started to protest.

Vivi looked up at him in confusion. "Wha—?"

"Worth… ฿80 Million, I believe?"

 _ **CRACK!**_

" _YEARGH!"_ Vivi screamed, falling to her knees as she clawed at her suddenly blackened and corpse-like shoulder.

"Your head, that is," Hiuo Hiruno hissed, steam rising up from her point of contact with Vivi's hand as well as the hag's arm, which looked almost frosted over.

"VIVI!" I shouted, sprinting towards her.

" _WAAAACK!"_ Carue howled as he suddenly appeared nearby, dropping from a Shave in favor of charging at the damnable witch. With every intention of doing the same, I reached into my jacket, and promptly swore as I recalled that my baton was long gone, and Funkfreed was still across the room at the gift table.

However, going by the way Pavarotto glanced at the duck and flicked his baton at him dismissively, that was probably a _good_ thing for me. " _Allegro."_

 _SKRANG!_

"QUACK!"

I was promptly proven right when three of Pavarotto's quartet suddenly surrounded Carue, bows drawn and at his neck. _Violin_ bows, mind you, complete with full-sized violins and cellos of increasing size that I'd bet my greaves were all made of stupidly tough and, in the case of the bows proper, stupidly sharp metal. Honestly, they just proved I probably wouldn't have been able to do much anyway.

"LOOK OUT!"

 _SKRANG!_

"Sonnuva!" I flinched back fearfully as the _fourth_ bastard mirrored his cohorts' actions on _me._ Right, _really_ couldn't have done much.

" _Note to self:_ **find a way to** _ **remotely GASTRO-BLAST**_ WAX," Soundbite hissed murderously.

"Hell, figure out how to Gastro-Blast remotely _period_ and I'll give you enough lettuce to fill a hammock," I hissed back.

"Silence."

 _THWACK!_

"HURGH!" I folded around the fist buried in my gut, breath wheezing out of me, and I was vaguely aware of Pavarotto strolling over to leer down at me.

"Impressive, aren't they?" he chuckled, condescension dripping from every syllable. "I acquired them from some… _associates_ of ours, shall we say? In the North Blue. Indeed, my String Quartet's speed and fencing skills are rivaled only by their musical capabilities." His sneer widened as he started running his fingers tenderly over his baton. "Did you know that a good interrogation with a symphony in the background has the added effect of traumatizing the worms in question so that they can never listen to that piece of music again? Ah, to play the same piece again later on and watch them _squirm…_ "

"Ah, b-b-brother!" Burrato attempted to protest, sidling up and laying his hand an inch above his brother's arm. "T-T-There really is no n-n-need for such r-r-repetiti-a-a-ah I m-mean s-such r-r-revoluti-uh, t-t-that is to say—!"

Pavarotto didn't even look up from his baton as he offhandedly thwacked the back of his brother's head.

"—y-yes, brother…" Burrato flinched as he lapsed into silence.

Following that, there was a tense moment as everyone eyed one another warily, broken only by the quiet groans of pain that seeped through Vivi's clenched teeth…

"Tsurarararara…"

And ultimately, Hiuo's malicious chuckling. "You should really learn to keep your pets on a better leash, Fatso," she breathed, her voice reminiscent of some unearthly wraith. "Otherwise, they might give my tender skin a scratch when we turn in their hides for the rewards. And seeing as we wouldn't want that…"

I am not ashamed to admit that I was _deeply_ disturbed by the way the old hag's wrinkled, ancient visage morphed into a mask of icy creases with three gaping holes where her eyes and mouth should have been.

" _Maybe I should just do us all a favor and_ _ **neuter them wholesale…"**_

My heart all but stopped when she lifted her hand at Vivi's face, though that could have also been on account of the surrounding temperatures plummeting to _sub-freaking zero._

" _ **Starting with—"**_

" **ENOUGH."**

Madam Hiruno snapped her hand back with a practically vampiric hiss as the ambient temperature suddenly spiked to several dozen degrees above average, causing trails of steam to waft up from her body.

Accino was steaming as well as he glared down at the frigid witch, only he did so with righteous wrath. "Out," he spat. "Now. Before I melt you into a _puddle."_

The hag stared back at the Don with an unreadable look before chuckling and shaking her head. Allowing her frost to disappear, she turned away, unperturbed by the glares from the Accinos and us. "Seeing as the merchandise is at least semi-secure, we shall leave them in your hands until the ceremony. We shall wait on our ship in the meantime. Come along, everyone." She waved her hand casually as she started shuffling out. "Let us leave the Accinos to, how shall I put it… _play_ at bounty hunting."

The stringfellows lowered their bows as Pavarotto flicked his baton at them, allowing Carue to dash over to Vivi and start to comfort her as the soldiers followed their leaders.

Burrato watched his grandmother fearfully for a moment before hastily dropping into a bow, directed at the Don himself. "M-M-My s-s-syndic-a-ah, m-my s-s-silli-e-e-eh… m-m-my sincerest— _erk!"_ His speech cut off as the passing Pavarotto grabbed his collar and started to bodily drag him down the aisle. The youngest Hiruno eyed his elder sibling hesitantly before settling for a meek wave at the Accinos.

The very second that the door closed behind them, Don Accino knelt next to Vivi and grabbed her blackened arm.

"Hold still," he grunted disdainfully.

"W-What are you— _AGH!"_ Vivi hissed in pain when a blast of steam shot up from her limb.

"You sonnuva—!" Carue started to squawk before Accino pinned him with a heated glare.

"Unless you want her to _lose_ that arm," he snarled. "Shut the hell up and let me fix what that blasted shrimp did."

"And what the hell _did_ she do!?" I demanded indignantly. "Vivi's arm looks like it came out of a ten-round match against Jack-freaking-Frost!"

The surrounding temperature increased, and the man turned a bit redder. But as he refocused his attention on Vivi's arm, the effects diminished slightly. "You're not far off of the mark," he grumbled at last.

"M-Mister Accino?" Vivi managed to groan out as her fingers slowly regained their previous color, which began to spread up the rest of the limb.

"What, you think I hate her for shits and giggles?" the 10,000 Degree Man growled darkly. "The midget's literally my polar opposite, not just in body, but in _abilities_. Consider yourself grateful for my aid; if it weren't for my Hot-Hot Fruit, your arm would have fallen off from the Cold-Cold Fruit's frostbite before your doctor could even _think_ about boiling water."

"…I speak for all of us when I say we appreciate that, Don," I said slowly, shivering for a reason entirely separate from any lingering temperature the Hirunos might have left in their wake. "But why would she—?"

"Because the Hirunos are all sadistic to the core, and they love to see their prey suffer," Brindo snorted. "You know that our modus operandi is gathering pirates and treating them so that they're docile when the Marines get ahold of them. They're delusionally happy, but happy nonetheless."

"Whereas _they_ ," Campacino continued, shaking his head in disgust. "They hand over little more than _corpses_ with heartbeats _._ They sneak aboard the ships of pirates upon the sea under the cover of night, destroy the lines, steering, and any navigational equipment, and then leave them adrift. Then when dawn comes, they have trained birds circle the ship carrying mirrors to direct sunlight at them, cooking the poor bastards in their own beds."

"And just to be _really_ mean," Hockera finished grimly, jabbing his thumb at the doors. "The entire time, that damn gaol ship of theirs is looming on the horizon, just out of firing range but always just in sight. We might gloat sometimes, but that's just bad sportsmanship right there."

I stared at the Accinos in horror before glaring at the yet-silent Don. "And you _want_ your daughter to marry into that family of… of—!"

"'Want'!? Not on your life!" Accino barked viciously, the temperature abruptly spiking as the air around him started to waver. "But I _need_ this marriage! The Hirunos are _vicious_ bastards who never miss an opportunity to steal from or harass my family, attacking my men, raiding Lovely Land for our pacified bounties! And with you pirates becoming stronger and stronger, we can't afford that kind of interference! That's—!"

"Ah, M-Mister Accino!" Vivi hissed, flinching away from him as his rising temperature started to burn her newly rejuvenated arm.

The Don glanced at her before straightening himself up with a hard snort, his anger hanging around him like a haze. Actually, wait, no, that was a proper heat haze rising around him. "Cooperation," he growled as he loomed menacingly, scorching holes in the carpet at his feet. "Or extermination. Our only options. Should the ceremony go as planned, I'll let you all go as wild on the Hirunos as you want before you get the hell out of here. Now get back to work so that we can go down the path where we all _live."_

And with that, he stormed away. I took a couple of seconds to force down my newfound empathy for the Accinos and hatred for the Hirunos before I moved over to Vivi's side. "Are you alright, Vivi?"

The princess blinked at me, then looked down at her arm, grimacing uncomfortably as she flexed her joints. "Mmph… it's numb and I've got pins and needles up my arm, but I think that any lasting damage has been undone. I'll check with Chopper before I get back to supervising things…" She looked back up, her eyes glinting. "But before that, we've got one more thing to do."

I followed her line of sight and nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I get you. C'mon, let's—!"

" _Uh, wait real quick._ **Blue twin?** _ **Quick question,"**_ Soundbite asked uneasily as he glanced upwards. "THOSE TRAINED BIRDS _THE HIRUNOS USE…_ _ **THEY**_ _**WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE**_ **VULTURES,** _ **would they?"**_

Both twins blinked. "Actually, yes. Their natural ominousness only underlines their menace, and they get their pickings of any bountiless cadavers the Marines don't want. Why do you ask?"

"…NO REASON _. Hey, Cross, just humor me, would you?_ **Take two… three steps back?"**

I promptly did so, hauling Vivi with me…

 _CRASH!_

Just as a light fixture landed where I had been standing two seconds prior. A quick glance up revealed what I _really_ should have expected: two vultures sitting upon the rafters, staring at me with… wait, why did those goggles and the sheer apathy they provided look _familiar?_

… ah, shit.

"…I take it you're acquaintances of Miss Friday?" I managed.

"First cousins," one of the birds droned back.

"But don't worry," the other picked up, voice just as flat. "This isn't personal, we just enjoy killing pirates as a matter of principle."

" **BULLSHIT ON THE PERSONAL PART,** _ **TRUTH ON THE SADIST PART,"**_ Soundbite deadpanned.

"Buzz off, buzzards," Hockera snarled, juggling a puck on his stick. "If anything wrecks this wedding, Papa _and_ your boss are going to be furious."

"Oh?" One of the vultures tilted its head to the side just so. "You mean like you brats are planning?"

The Accino children and Vivi stiffened, but the other vulture waved its wing dismissively.

"Feh, don't worry," it scoffed. "We won't spill anything. After all, what with the chaos you're planning on raising, we'll have our free pickings of Cross's brains—" The other vulture jabbed its wing's elbow into its compatriot's side. "I mean, we'll have our free pickings of _pirate_ brains."

"Have fun raising hell," the first vulture saluted casually, and with that the pair flapped up and away into the shadows of the rafters.

We all stared up after them before Vivi coughed heavily and pulled herself up to her feet. "A-Anyway… Carue. Get back to the gifts, this shouldn't take long."

Carue nodded hesitantly. "Good wuck, Vivi."

"And where do you think you two are going?" Arbell asked as I followed after Vivi. I paused and looked back at her.

"We're going to save your collective rear ends. Are you going to stop us?" I drawled.

She opened her mouth. Then she hesitated. Then she looked away.

"…no," she said at last.

" _I didn't_ _ **think so."**_

And with that, we both began powerwalking down the hallway, until we came to a small shrine for the Virgin Mary where Don Accino was attempting to keep his calm. A feat that was clearly made difficult by our intrusion, based on the fact that the nearest candles flared three times hotter.

" _What is it?"_ he growled, not even deigning to look back at us.

Soundbite and I cast uneasy glances at Vivi, but she didn't even _flinch_ at the attention.

"You mentioned earlier that you were going to attempt to 'get hammered', but when you came out to greet the Hirunos, you were stone cold sober." She said it as a statement, rather than a question.

Don Accino started to turn his head…

"You accomplished that by flaring your temperature and boiling all of the alcohol from your body."

And promptly went ramrod still.

Vivi wasn't even close to finished. "The reason you always go shirtless is that your sweat flash-boils on contact with your skin, and if you wore a shirt, either the moisture would weigh you down or the steam from your collar would cause you to asphyxiate. And when you're alone with your children, you always find your temperature automatically regulating itself to the approximate heat of a campfire: warm and comforting, so that they feel safe."

The Don slowly lumbered around to stare at us, his expression and temperature flickering between hesitant uncertainty and outrage. "How," he growled out furiously.

Vivi, however, met his stare head on. "Don Accino, earlier you said that you're only going through with this wedding because you don't see any other choice to provide for your family's well-being and maintain your bounty-hunting career, with the increasing strength of pirates and the Hirunos harassing you at every turn." She placed her hand on her chest. "I can _give you_ that choice."

The heat dimmed slightly as Accino's anger faded to something of a flat look. "I hope that you don't intend to offer me a position on your crew."

"Trust me, that idea appeals as little to us as it does to you," I stated with a flat look of my own. "But no, this isn't Straw Hat business." I swept my arm out to indicate Vivi. "It's _Alabastan_ business."

Vivi crossed her arms, eyes filled with determination and gaze locked with the Don. "Given the severance of ties with the World Government, the Kingdom of Alabasta still recognizes me as its princess. And with the authority of that title, I would like to offer you the country's highest honor and authority outside of the royal family itself: that of one of the country's Royal Guardians."

Don Accino's eyebrows rose, his anger fading completely in favor of curiosity. "In spite of me not being a Zoan like your current two Guardians?"

That actually got a blink from me. "Wait, how—?"

"Chaka the Jackal and Pell the Falcon, worth ฿50 and ฿55 Million respectively," Accino deadpanned.

"…Right," I coughed into my fist.

Vivi, who I guess had been keeping up with the news of her country more than me, just smiled as she shook her head in denial. "I'm offering the position _because_ you're not a Zoan. You see, the reason I know so much about the finer mechanics of the Hot-Hot Fruit is that in my country, it has another name: the Rage of Alabasta. Your powers are one of my kingdom's national treasures, right alongside Chaka and Pell's…" Her smile twitched slightly as her hand clenched into a murderous grip. "And Crocodile's."

Even behind his sunglasses I could see when Accino blinked in surprise before slowly looking down at his hands. "My powers… are _that_ significant?"

"I can name no fewer than seven instances where your powers have saved my nation and its people, and those were just the instances where its user acted _alone,_ " Vivi confirmed with a wistful smile, before shifting to solemn.

"The Rage was lost to us several centuries ago, when it was stolen by pirates and taken out to sea. And now that I've finally found it again…" Vivi reached into her pocket, withdrew a familiar-looking hourglass-shaped object and held it out to the Don. "I've kept two Eternal Poses to Alabasta with me as a reminder of my home. If you would be willing to travel to and live in Alabasta, I would entrust this one to you so that you could make the voyage. Now more than ever, my father would be grateful beyond measure for your return, and he would be willing to offer you and your family lodgings in the royal palace and all of the luxuries afforded of it. As one of the country's guardians, you would be loved and respected by everyone in the kingdom, and you would have no shortage of fights to preserve your lifestyle _, especially_ in these trying times. Your powers will be at their absolute strongest in the desert, both day and night, and you would have access to all records of past users, to understand the full extent of your abilities."

"And if you're worried about your collection, don't be," I piped up. "Not only will there _always_ be pirates utterly stupid enough to try attacking Alabasta, but with the Marines as your enemy, you'll be able to _double_ your collection. Marine flags might be uniform, but you gotta admit, there's gotta be _something_ appealing about the idea of collecting the coats of officers, no?"

Accino's lips quirked upwards in a brief smirk, then his expression shifted back to neutral.

"I will admit, the offer is very appealing," the Don admitted. "But aside from your knowledge of my powers, however admittedly in-depth… how am I to be sure that you're not simply fabricating everything else, trying to save yourself?"

"If I may?" I piped up, then powered on before Vivi could open her mouth. "You said yourself that you've been listening to the SBS since the first day with almost religious fervor, right? Well, based on that, answer this: would Vivi, almost universally loved in her home nation _Princess_ Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta, lie about this?"

Vivi's attention returned to the Don, whose expression was quickly fading into serious contemplation. Seeing that, she smiled, and tucked the pose back into her pocket.

"I'll give you the time you need to think about it. In the meantime, however, we'll continue on the deal we've already made."

She bowed, then began walking back out of the room, and I followed behind her.

"Well, I'd say that went as well as it could have," I cheerfully observed.

"Agreed," Vivi nodded thoughtfully. "Given the drastic change in lifestyle, I wouldn't expect him to accept right away, but given the… _alternative…"_ She shivered, then shook her head. "Either way, though, until he accepts, we need to keep the plans going, if only so that the Hirunos don't suspect anything."

I nodded in agreement, and with that, she raised her monocle to her eye and—

I snapped my hand to my back pocket, and paled when I found the _damned_ piece of glass to be absent. "Ohh, _shite."_ I only had enough time to realize just how utterly I was screwed before she snapped her gaze back to me and practically pinned me like a _bug_.

"So, the next orders of business. Cross, I am going to the kitchen both to tell Sanji to start laying out what food he's finished preparing and to have Chopper look over my arm. You go find Nami, and tell her to recruit Arbell if she's willing so that we can all have _appropriate_ attire for this event. I'll send Chopper to help if he's available, but whatever happens, I won't have us looking like we walked in off the streets. And finally…" She leaned in to snarl in Soundbite's face. " _ **Find. Luffy."**_

" **I-I-I've been** _ **trying!"**_ he whimpered fearfully. "BUT I CAN'T HEAR _him anywhere! It's like_ **HE'S PULLED A ZORO, OR A NAMI!"** He then glanced away and muttered out of the corner of his mouth. " _ **Or a**_ **you."**

" _What was that?"_

" _YOUR HAIR LOOKS NICE!"_ Soundbite sang.

"Less using your eyes, _more using your damn ears,"_ Vivi ordered irritably. "And don't you stop until you _find that rubber monkey!_ Am I clear!?"

"Crystal," I managed to sigh rather than bite out.

Nodding, Vivi swept past me and out of the room. As soon as she was out of earshot, I looked at my partner, and pitched my voice low enough that even I couldn't hear it, while at the same time minimizing the movement of my lips.

"Alright, _real_ first things first: keep an eye on that Burrato fellow. I might pity the hell out of him, but the last thing we need is for him to pull a runner…" I coughed a chuckle into my fist as a thought occurred to me. "Or worse, for him to accidentally slap the ring on a _corpse."_

" _ **Not a fan of**_ **Tim Burton?"**

"Oh, no, I am." I shuddered dramatically. "I'm just not a fan of the idea of running through his works _twice in a row."_

"… _I dunno if that sounds FUN OR TERRIFYING."_

"The answer, as it should ever be, is yes. Anyway…" My gaze hardened. "Connect me to Conis."

Soundbite promptly cut his laughter off in favor of our gunner's curious gaze. " _Cross? What's wrong? We just saw the Hirunos leave, is everything alright?"_

"Well, that depends," I borderline snarled. "Do we have any explosives that can be easily and quickly remotely detonated?"

" _Uh… yeah, Usopp, Chopper and I came up with the idea a while back, and we've got a dozen or two working prototypes in Sunny's hold, and… we_ think _that the detonator we worked up with what Soundbite told us about radio waves should work. Why do you ask?"_

I turned a glare in the general direction of the object of my ire. "Because _Madam Hiruno_ decided to try and rot Vivi's arm off with frostbite for _shits and giggles."_

Conis was pointedly silent for a second before slowly glancing to the side. " _So, I'll just go ahead and tell Boss and his students to line their ship's keel, then?"_

"Yeah, you go do that," I agreed, moving to chop my hand across my throat before a thought occurred to me. "Oh, and if the penguins try to stop them, tell them the order came from Arbell. It's technically true anyways."

" _Will do,"_ she nodded, and with that the connection was dropped.

My partner grinned wickedly as I turned around. Then I paused, and spoke again as I started walking, this time not bothering to be quiet. "One more thing: pass on a message to the TDWS…"

As I walked and talked, I worked to suppress a sadistic grin from spreading across my face. This whole thing was shaping up to be one _hell_ of a blowout.

The only potential major hurdle I could think of would be staying out of that Cold-Cold witch's way, but c'mon, how hard could _that_ be?

 **~o~**

I really, really needed to hold that seminar on taunting Murphy and why not to do it, even if I even had to practice it in my damned _thoughts_. Of course, that was assuming I made it out of this alive, anyway.

Which I was sort of concerned about, as evidenced by both Vivi and myself inching backwards away from the demonic incarnation of the _seventh damned ring itself_. Seriously, _Aokiji_ was more inviting than the ice-laden pint-sized hag who was freezing the ground and advancing on us at the same rate we were scrambling back from her.

" _I'm going to take my time with your crew,"_ Madam Hiruno hissed. " _I've been slow with many in the past, but you… for this_ insult, _I swear that you will be_ special. _I'm going to kill you. All of you. One by one, slowly enough that your blood will have long congealed before you_ die of starvation and start to—!"

"WHAT'S WRONG, KERATIN ASS!? IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOUR AIM IS AS BAD AS YOUR STUDENTS!"

"SUCK AN EGG, LEAD WING!" _**SLAM!**_

In spite of ourselves, all three of us glanced to the side, where Boss and Skipper had apparently gotten into a brawl. Which seemed to have resulted in the floor caving beneath Boss' strength as he slammed his rope-dart down onto the spot where Skipper had been standing on the Franky-grade food table moments earlier. Which seemed to have turned it into a seesaw, sending the cauldron of 'punch' (or, as I preferred to more accurately call it, _freshly cooked lava)_ flying up and up and _up,_ and then it started falling. Upside-down. _Right towards us._

" **MOVE, DIPSHITS!"**

Thanks to Soundbite's ear-rending interjection, Vivi and I managed half-scramble, half-leap away from the cauldron's point of impact. Hiuo Hiruno, however, rooted to the floor as she was by her layering of ice, did _not._

Point of fact? She _was_ the point of impact, the cauldron slamming down on exactly the spot she was standing through some insane twist of fate and utterly _engulfing_ her in its unholy liquids.

There was a singular, brief moment of silence, even in the roaring madness of the church-encompassing brawl, and then…

" _YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"_ the witch's screech of unholy agony all but rent the air. " _IT BURNS! IT BUUURNS! THE AGONY, THE AAAGONY! I'M MELTING!_ MEEEEELTIIIIING!"

Soundbite winced at the screams before snickering. " **I WILL** _ **NOT**_ **HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING!"**

The little imp's tar (or 'punch', either or) black humor kickstarted my mind back into action, allowing me to grin maniacally as I turned my gaze to the nearest combatant and raised a finger. "Check, please!"

" _YOU!"_

" _Oi, this guy…"_ Soundbite and I chorused under our breaths, glancing up at Pavarotto. The Hirunos' conductor, much like the rest of the Hirunos, honestly, had seen _much_ better days. His dignified sliminess had been reduced to pathetic shreds under an earlier onslaught that had left him with tattered, stained, burned clothes and livid red blistered skin everywhere else.

In hindsight? I think that the raging shiner I gave him right when shit hit the fan might have been overkill.

"You… You raging _bastards…"_ Pavarotto huffed and wheezed breathlessly. "When I'm… through with you…" He shakily raised what was left of his baton at us. "You're not going to be fit… for _mince—!"_

" **SHUT IT!"**

 _THWACK!_

" _Ooooh…"_ Soundbite and I winced sympathetically as a haymaker from Vivi laid the conductor out flat. Yeah, if he wasn't fit to be swallowing teeth _before—?_

Vivi snorted fiercely as she glared at the downed bounty hunter. "Right, that's him dealt with…" She snapped her furious gaze back to me. "Now as for _you."_

I took a second to process that before adopting a deadpan. "Really? You _really_ want to do this again? Here? _Now!?"_

The flat look on her face answered that question clearly enough, prompting me to roll my eyes. And then we rammed our foreheads together and started spitting fire in one another's faces.

"If it wasn't for your freaking obsessive—!"

"It's _your_ fault with all the sabotage you—!"

"You outright said _before we started this shitfest_ that it wouldn't go—!"

"And how much of that was by design instead of—!"

"It's your fault, Vivi!"

"No, it's _your_ fault, Cross!"

"NO, IT'S—wait a second," I interrupted myself, drawing back and cupping my chin with a contemplative frown. "When I really think back about it, while this chaos isn't my fault—!"

Vivi hissed in a furious breath.

"It's not like it's really _yours,_ either!"

 _That_ got a blink of surprise from Vivi, and she was silent for a second before she rolled her fingers.

"Look, in the end?" I spread my hands helplessly. "No matter how you cut it, all you did was set up the cards, and given the context you gave me, I can't _really_ find it in me to blame you for that."

Vivi matched my frown, cupping her chin as well. "And… honestly, all _you_ did was capitalize on the chaos once everyone started yelling, right… But, wait, if it's not your fault, and it's not mine…"

"MOVE IT, YOU TWO!" Zoro barked as he jogged past us with Luffy balanced on his shoulder.

" _MMMPH! MMMPH!"_ Luffy hollered, struggling against the length of rope that he'd been hogtied into.

She watched them both with a heavy sweatdrop. "And it's definitely not _Luffy's_ , seeing as I personally cut _that_ train of nonsense off at the pass…"

" **Then the fault** _ **goes to**_ _whoever_ CAUSED _THIS WHOLE_ _ **HULLABALOO**_ **IN THE FIRST PLACE. As I recall,** _the exact KICKOFF WAS…?"_ Soundbite trailed off uncertainly.

"Oh, yeah, most definitely, we can't argue that," I nodded in agreement, surreptitiously ducking a plate that had thrown at my head in the same movement.

"But that was only the exact event!" Vivi protested. "And I don't see how _that_ could have happened without _some_ kind of involvement from our crew! So the real question is, _who—?"_

"If you're both quite finished?"

"GAH!"/"SONNUVA!"

Vivi and I both jumped in shock on account of the ex-assassin who'd just popped up next to us.

"Freaking _hell,_ Robin!" I snarled in her _way_ too calm face. "Wear a damn bell, would you!?"

"If you _must_ insist on maintaining your habit of sneaking up on people and giving them heart attacks, can you limit it to _non-life-or-death_ situations?" Vivi agreed waspishly.

"I'll take that into consideration," Robin chuckled before casting a wary glance at the ongoing brawl. "But in all seriousness, I _think_ they're starting to break out the guns, so we should really—!"

" **SON OF A FEATHER-RAT!"**

I jumped at Soundbite's sudden holler and shot a glare at him. "What the hell, slimeball?! I know you've always been slow, but this is a new—!"

"NOT THAT, DILLWEED!" Soundbite roared back. " _I JUST REMEMBERED!_ _ **I KNOW WHAT KICKED THIS WHOLE SHITFEST**_ **INTO MOTION!"**

 **~o~**

 **-30 MINUTES REMAINING-**

"Um, excuse me?"

Robin looked up from the book she was reading, her eyes looking around curiously…

"Down here!"

Her attention was drawn downward to a lone penguin standing at her feet and waving at her.

"Hello!" the penguin pleasantly greeted her.

"Ah, hello there." She shut her book and smiled politely. "Private, was it? Am I needed outside?"

"Ah, nonono, we've got everything handled out there, no need to bother yourself!" the penguin smiled pleasantly before looking down sadly. "I'm, ah… I'm here to ask something of a personal favor from you. You seem like a… nice enough person, I suppose, and you're not doing anything, so I was hoping… would you mind going into the back and having a quick talk with Lil?"

Robin raised an eyebrow. "You mean the youngest Accino, who's meant to be the bride of this event?"

"Ah… yeah, her…" Private scratched the back of his head, not looking Robin in the eye. "You see, nobody in the family is with her right now, and… well, considering that we penguins can't usually talk, she often uses us to vent and all that and, well, ah…" He shrugged helplessly. "Well, we're _penguins._ There's only so much we can do, but we… well, _I,_ everyone else is a bit busy… _I_ think it would really help if she had, I dunno, someone to talk to who could talk back. So…" The cute penguin grinned uncertainly. "If you wouldn't mind—?"

"There you are, Private!"

"GRK!" The penguin fearfully snapped to attention when Skipper's voice suddenly piped up, the lead penguin sliding up to his subordinate. "A-Ah, h-hey, Skipper! Sorry about disappearing like that, I-I was just, ah…"

"Ooooh, say no more, Private, I know exactly what you're doing here!" Skipper waved him off before snapping a glare at Robin. "You're here because of _her."_

"…eh?" Private blinked in confusion, while Robin merely cocked her other eyebrow.

"Worry not, Private, I know _exactly_ how these things go! _This_ menacing succubus—" He snapped his wing up at Robin. "Was trying to use her feminine wiles to trick you, poor, innocent Private, into bailing on us and joining that travelling troupe of trouser-less troubadours that passes by every few months! You know the ladies love us Fierce Penguins, and someone as cute and cuddly as you would fetch a lot of money showing off the physique _I_ sculpted!"

Robin did not bother responding; she had enough experience with that magnitude of paranoia to know that the only reliable options were ignoring them if they weren't a threat or killing them if they were. And though she'd done a lot of dishonorable things over the years, she liked to imagine that she was above animal cruelty. At least when Soundbite wasn't involved, at any rate.

"S-S-Skipper, I'm fine, I was just—MMPH?!"

"Shhhh sh sh sh, Private," Skipper said soothingly, a wing clamped over the rookie's beak. "I know that your poor, innocent brain must be _reeling_ from the sheer betrayal I've uncovered, but I swear, no matter how many years of grueling, intensive therapy it takes, I _will_ see you set straight again! Let's get started! Rico!"

" _MMPH!?"_ Private squawked fearfully when his wild-eyed comrade suddenly popped up next to him with a manic grin.

"Yah-huh?" the psycho-penguin squawked curiously.

"Take Private down to Kowalski and give him an 'Enies Double-Down', stat!"

"Gatcha!" Rico nodded eagerly, hoisting his comrade above his head and waddling away.

" _HAAALP!"_ Private squawked as he fearfully and futilely flailed his wings.

Skipper nodded before snapping a glare at Robin. "And as for _you."_ He maintained eye contact for a few minutes, and then snapped his flippers from the sides of his eyes to her. He repeated the motion a few times before finally sliding away on his stomach.

"…I will never _not_ be amazed, will I…" the archaeologist sighed. Nevertheless, seeing as she'd already brushed up on her musical skills, it wasn't as though she had anything better to do, and as such it wasn't that hard of a choice for her to shut her book and head towards the bridal chamber.

As she was about to enter the room, however, she paused at quiet sound reaching her ears, one that she recognized immediately. She promptly rapped her knuckles on the door. "Hello, Miss Lil? Is everything alright?"

The sound immediately cut off, and a few seconds later the door cracked open, allowing Lil to stare apathetically at Robin. "Oh, it's you," she drawled. "What do you—?"

In her usual procedure, Robin produced an arm inside the doorjamb and used it to shove Lil back, so that she could open the door and slide her way in, shutting the door behind her.

From there, however, she had to change her tactics a bit. This time, rather than immediately snapping her target's neck, she dropped into a kneeling position and drew Lil into a hug.

"W-W-What the—?" Lil sputtered in shock.

"I've had to muffle my own crying enough times that I know what it sounds like," Robin said quietly. "Take it from someone who knows: keeping it all locked away and letting it fester inside isn't a good habit."

Lil stiffened furiously at the words, before clamping onto Robin and burying her face in her shoulder. All at once, the tears started flowing, and she cried freely. Robin held the young tamer close, simply reassuring her with her physical presence.

After a few minutes of sobbing, Robin and Lil moved to sit on a couch in the room, with Robin gently rubbing the girl's back as she got her breath back.

"…Thank you. That helped," she said quietly.

"I'm glad, but what's wrong that you were crying?" Robin asked.

Lil let out a scoff filled to the brim with exasperation. "Well, the first part of what's wrong is that _you're_ the very first person to ask me that since Papa came up with this plan in the first place!" She flailed her arms furiously. "Sure, you all know that we don't want to go through with this wedding, that we're only doing it because it's the only choice we have for keeping things safe for us. All of us know that. But despite that, _nobody ever asked my damn opinion!"_

Lil leapt off the couch and started pacing furiously, clawing at her hair. "Seriously, I felt like bashing my head against the wall when Papa told your crewmates that it would be, and I quote, 'the height of bad form to not gain the consent of whom it affects most.' Papa didn't ask me about going through with this before he recruited all of you, and Arbell didn't ask if I _didn't_ want to go through with this before she asked your crew to sabotage the whole thing!"

"But…" Robin tilted her head to the side curiously. "She's correct, I take it?

" _I DON'T—!"_ Lil cut herself off, and continued her ranting more quietly. "I don't _know._ I don't want to be related in any way to the Hirunos. That woman, she's… she's a _monster_ , but…" She lowered her head into her hand, sighing. "I hate the witch. I hate that stuck-up conductor, I hate their vultures, and I hate the rest of her brood. But Burrato… I've met him before. Went to a school with him for a while, before Papa and the witch found out that we were _both_ going there and they leveled the place. Our similar ages are the only reason this whole farce is happening in the first place, but as much as I don't want to get married to the Hirunos…"

She groaned and trudged back to the couch, sinking into the seat. "The fact is that if we keep fighting each other, if the grudge keeps up, then he could be hurt, or worse. And if I break it off, I know that he'll probably be hurt too, and… and he just doesn't _deserve_ that. So, what do I _do?"_

Robin was silent for only a moment before smiling lightly. "So in summary, you're caught between what your family wants and what your groom _needs_. If I might be honest, it sounds like you've become your own worst enemy."

Lil shot a despondent glance at her impromptu confidant. "And how's that."

"Because now you're doing the exact same thing you complained about your family doing." Robin tapped her finger against Lil's forehead. "You're not considering what _you_ want."

Lil blinked. Then her expression became flat again. "…And what am I supposed to do if _I don't know what that is?"_

Robin chuckled softly. "Speaking as someone who has only very recently discovered what I want out of my life? I believe it will make itself clear when the time is right."

"…that is an unsatisfying, unhelpful answer."

Robin cocked her head to the side with a kind smile. "There's only one answer to that accusation: _Pirate."_

The girl scowled at that answer, but before she could respond, she was interrupted.

 _CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!_

Lil glanced upward, her expression fearful. "The bells… that means…"

"Lil?"

Said girl nearly jumped out of her skin when there was a sudden knock on the room's door, and Arbell's voice came through.

"Lil, it's just about time for the ceremony. Do you want me to help you put on your dress?"

"…No. No, I'm old enough, I can handle it myself," Lil replied neutrally, looking at Robin all the while.

"Well…" Arbell hesitated before sighing reluctantly. "Alright, if you say so. Papa will be here in a couple of minutes to accompany you. I… I'm sorry that things have managed to get this far, but… I don't know why, but I honestly think that the Straw Hats will be able to pull this off."

Slowly, a smile came over Lil's face to match Robin's. "You know… I think they will too."

"Heh, glad to hear it. Well, I'll see you on the altar soon, baby sister."

"Yeah, see you soon!" Lil called out. She then listened intently to the sound of her sister's footsteps leaving before shooting a panicked look at Robin. "I was lying through my teeth, I have no idea how to put that dress on and you have, like, twenty hands and _help me!"_

 **-o-**

 **-5 MINUTES REMAINING-**

I let out a sigh of relief as I walked next to Vivi, who was slowly sliding her finger down a clipboard as she listed items off.

"Alright, let's list off. The buffet?"

I cast a wary glance at the only just not-on-fire table that I could _feel_ heat radiating from. "Inedible for anyone on the face of the planet aside from the Don, Ace, Akainu, and possibly _dragons_ , but complete and looking… halfway presentable." I repressed a shudder as I eyed the big black bubbling cauldron of evi—I mean _punch,_ which was set at the end of the spread. "Though the punch especially is unsalvageable. I have no idea how it's possible to cook something hot enough to melt steel, but I'm fairly certain that Sanji managed it."

"Mmph," Vivi tsked dismissively. "The decorations?"

"Lookin' _super!"_ Franky cheered as he struck a pose before the surprisingly fractally ornate decorations he'd set up around the hall. "Complete _and_ reinforced against hot and cold."

"I think that the paintings I did up there should work too," Usopp nodded as he jabbed his thumb upward. "Though I still couldn't get the twins to agree on a color scheme, so I went with both. Does it look good?"

"Satisfactory." Vivi gave him an offhanded thumbs-up without even a glance. "The gifts?"

"Sowted and awwanged as best as we could manage," Carue confirmed, saluting next to the table of wrapped gifts he and Funkfreed were flanking. He then flinched hesitantly as he scratched the back of his head. "Though, ah, thewe's still a _bit_ of an issue. Wemembah that pygmy sperm whale, da one with da tentacles? Well, ah, how ta put dis…"

"GAH!" Lassoo gasped as he jabbed his ink-stained head out from under the table, panting desperately. "It had… a friend… and it definitely had _squid_ blood… because this pygmy humpback whale… has _octopus_ blood…"

"Seriously, this is _ridiculous,_ " Funkfreed groused as he rooted around under the table with his trunk. "How the hell is that thing even _more_ vicious than the sperm whale!? It has _less_ tentacles, shouldn't the viciousness go down with the number of— _YEOW!"_ he yelped as he snapped his trunk back. "Which one bit me!?"

"ME, YOU LEATHERY ASSHOLE!" Su yowled. "WATCH WHO YOU GROPE WITH THAT THING, DAMN IT!"

"Hweehweehwee—huh?" Lassoo's chuckling cut off in favor of a confused glance behind himself before paling. "Nononono— _YIPE!"_ Aaaand with that he was yanked back under the table and the scuffle resumed.

"…Well, if nothing else, whoever sent those things are certainly getting their money's worth," I remarked.

"Well, as long as they're not going anywhere for now… alright. The cake?"

"A genuine masterpiece," I said sincerely, eyeing the ten-tiered pastry. "With any luck, it should serve to tide everyone over if they get hungry."

"Music?"

"Robin?" I called over to the organ.

I was answered by a _very_ familiar tune.

" **Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor,** _ **niiiice,"**_ Soundbite whistled.

"Yeah, it's handled," I deadpanned, trying and failing to shake the uneasy feeling that had come over me.

"Guests?"

"Nami?" I asked.

" _I can see several ships fast approaching on the horizon now,"_ she informed us, before contorting Soundbite's mouth into a grimace. " _But… unless I'm counting wrong? There are about… half as many more on their way here than we originally planned. And I don't think they're here for the cake, either."_

"We'll deal with them if they try anything," Vivi waved her off dismissively. "Moving on. Bride and groom?"

I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "Lil's in the back with her family, the Hirunos are on their ship, waiting for the appropriate time. Accino insisted that we swap who approached the altar, but I don't think it'll be that big of a deal. Ah…" I glanced hesitantly at her. "Right?"

"Mmm," Vivi waved her hand indifferently, thankfully enough. "Everyone dressed properly?"

"For the most part," I nodded, accompanied by a tug at the collar of my freshly stitched tux.

"I'll second that 'for the most part'," Boss grunted, fiddling with the rinky-dink bowtie that he and the rest of his students had been fitted with. "Though I _still_ don't see the point of this damn _high-society noose!"_

"Yeah!" Mikey nodded emphatically as he yanked at his own bowtie. "We all go around _naked,_ for Pete's sake!"

"Oh, I dunno!" Private mused eagerly as he poked his tie. "I think that these make us all look rather dashing, don't they?"

"Yeah, you _would,_ wouldn't you?" Raphey growled darkly, looking mere moments away from wringing the penguin's neck.

"No, Private is actually quite right," Kowalski mused, drawing out his abacus and slapping its beads about. "These bowties actually serve to increase our cuteness by a factor of 6.7, our complimentality has matured by a full 105 points, and our suavity has increased by 15.78%."

"Ah… actually, if I may?" Donny flicked a few of the abacuses beads before grinning. "You forgot to carry the 6."

Kowalski eyed the results for a second before blinking. "So I did. Make that 16.22%. Thank you for your assistance."

"Heh, no proble—!"

 _THWACK!_

"OW!"

"No fraternizing with the enemy," Boss ordered.

"Aww, what's wrong, Bessy?"

Boss set his jaw as Skipper sidled up to him, sneering all the while.

"Can't handle your subordinates not doing every little thing you say?" the lead penguin asked. "Because that's where you and I differ! Me, I trust my boys implicitly, to always do what they have to and to never do anything stupid or dangerous! Right, Rico?"

"Eh?" Rico looked away from the bunch of swords he'd been juggling and hastily hid them behind his back with a too-wide grin. "Ah… yeh yeh yeh!"

"You monochrome little…" Boss scowled at the penguin.

"Shell-headed piece of…" Skipper leered right back.

"No fighting until we're actually done here!" Vivi ordered harshly.

"YES'M!" The pair snapped into mirrored salutes, though they were still glaring at each other out of the corners of their eyes.

"Anyway… the last item I can think of would be…" Vivi trailed her finger down the clipboard, adopting a scowl once it came to a halt. "Luffy. Whose location I'm guessing we _still_ don't know?"

"Huh? What are you talking about? I'm over here!"

Vivi, Soundbite and I snapped our heads around to the sight of Luffy standing a short distance away, behind the cross-shaped pool, on a chalked-out X and holding a long piece of rope that ran up to the ceiling. Wait, _what?_

"Captain?" I asked, trying to ignore the sudden yawning chasm in my gut. "Where exactly have you been?"

"Shishishi! I've been working on this!" Luffy answered, pointing his finger upward. "See, since I knew that Sanji wasn't going to let me anywhere near the food table—"

"For the record, you mean the _literally hot-as-a-volcano_ food table," Vivi flatly clarified.

"Yeah, that one! Anyway, I figured since Sanji and Chopper wouldn't let me near it, I'd have to get it a different way. So, I decided to be _smart!_ I borrowed some of Franky's spare blueprints, and made this _biiig_ contraption that'll bring all the food right over to _this_ X!" Luffy grinned, brushing his sandal across the chalk. "So, all I need to do is yank on _this_ rope, and then—!"

"I've heard enough," Vivi interrupted. "Luffy, if you'd be so kind, would you mind standing still for a second?"

"Eh?" Luffy blinked at her in surprise. "Ah… sure thing, Vivi, why do you ask?"

"So that I can do _this!"_

Vivi sped over to Luffy so fast I _swear_ she Shaved, and then… well, if there was any lingering doubt in my mind before that she was a master of rope-like weaponry, the fact that she _hogtied Luffy_ in the small amount of rope that was within reach, in a matter of _seconds_ , removed it.

"…welp," I drawled, eyeing Luffy's tangled form with a decent amount of awe. "That's certainly one way to put him out of commission."

"GET ME DOWN FROM HE—MMPH?!"

Vivi dusted off her hands as she walked back over to me. "Not even _he_ can or will chew through a gag of salt beef. And it's not technically mutiny if he hasn't completed the order."

"…Note to self: never, ever get involved in a wedding again," I muttered.

" **With our luck?** _ **Fat chance."**_

"Actually, I think this one is actually a safe bet," I stated; after all, the only other wedding I knew of in the story was the one on Thriller Bark that never was, and wouldn't ever even have a remote chance to _be_ if I had anything to say about it. So, given Oda's stance on romance, once this mess was over, I would never have to deal with a wedding again. And _certainly_ not another arranged wedding made for the sake of a military alliance.

" _ **BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"**_

I jumped fearfully as Soundbite suddenly started cackling at the top of his lungs like a lunatic. "Sonnuva— _what's so flipping funny!?"_

" _I-I-I don't know!"_ Soundbite wheezed through his laughter. "I-I-IT FEELS LIKE I JUST HUFFED _A FULL TANK OF DAMN NITROUS!"_

"Well, whatever's wrong, _fix it,"_ Vivi ordered. "And once you have…"

She took a deep, calming sigh, and turned a determined look on the doors.

"Tell everyone to get into position. We're starting."

 **-o-**

 **-TIME'S UP-**

That done, I quickly parked myself at the head of the church, set off from the side of the altar. From there I had an excellent view of the guests filing in, and boy howdy, it was a colorful cast indeed.

For starters, Nami had been perhaps understating things just a tad. It seemed like every two-bit mercenary, bounty hunter, and Government privateer within a hundred-mile radius was crammed into the pews. And in an impressive display of the sheer influence of the Accino and Hiruno families, they had immediately divided themselves into two very well-armed camps, each taking half the pews.

The Accino side looked… dignified. Professional. There was a lot of gray hair. These guys were all veterans, their clothes subdued and well-suited for both a wedding and a battle. Weapons, ranging from mundane swords and pistols all the way up to a ten-foot-long katana and a hammer I had glimpsed that had six gun barrels built into its head, were politely stowed but easily within reach. Overall, the image of the bounty hunter the community probably liked to present: distinctive, yet respectable.

The Hiruno side was more diverse, and far less respectable. Oh, there were some guys that would have fit in on the Accino side if they added some salt to their pepper, but for the most part? They were a bunch of hooligans with weapons, hollering and jeering at the Accino side, waving weapons that were kludged together when they weren't basic crap, and dressed mostly like they'd rolled out of bed after a week-long bender. But the universal theme? Youth. These guys were young, disrespectful upstarts throughout.

To put it another way, the split mirrored the situation of the main families eerily well. It was almost as though some greater power had planned it all _oh I'm going to KILL that omnipotent shitstain one day_.

Speaking of main families, the key Accinos—Lil, Don, and Arbell—were parked at the altar. Don and Lil had looks of intense concentration, brows furrowed, lips pursed, and gazes looking out at nothing. Arbell, meanwhile, merely wore a mask of resigned anticipation, though a good part of that could have been due to Salchow being seated with the rest of the Accinos. Seriously, the bond those two shared was as sickening as it was heartwarming.

I have to admit, though, Lil's dress looked _stunning._ It was the usual bright white, and from her neck down to mid-thigh it was covered in rough ridges and surprisingly form-fitting. Below mid-thigh the skirt flared out, and it left her arms bare. A belt of roses completed the dress. The accessories were few but effective: a silver bracelet with a blue gem set in it, and the usual veiled headdress.

I had barely finished my observations when the doors to the church flew open, Burrato, Hiuo, and Pavarotto striding in like they owned the place. While the latter two looked exactly the same as they had when we first met them, Burrato was dressed in a well-fitted tux, and honestly? He looked pretty good in it. The power of a good tailor, everyone. Sadly, though, no amount of high fashion could serve to wipe away the terrified and twitchy look the poor guy had on his face.

Anyway, as Burrato started towards the aisle, Robin produced a few extra arms and set about tickling the ivories, filling the air with the dulcet sounds of… of… _NIGHT ON BALD MOUNTAIN!?_

"ON IT!" I cut Vivi off before she could say a word, sped along _quite_ a bit by the room flooding with conflicting waves of hot and cold air. As such, it was straight to the organ and grabbing Robin's arms. " _What the hell do you think you're doing!?"_ I hissed incredulously.

"Playing… music?" she asked, visibly ignorant of what the issue was. "What's wrong? I thought that was an appropriate piece?"

"An appropriate—!? Haven't you _ever_ been to a wedding before!?" I demanded.

Robin's look fell flatter than a piece of paper.

" _I mean to assassinate somebody!"_

"Oh." She blinked in surprise. "Well, yes, plenty of times, but usually I was efficient enough to be done before things could actually get underway, and even if both halves of the involved parties were still alive, they never really felt like going through with the ceremony."

"Grrghghh…" I groaned. Then, shaking my head, I began flipping through the pages of the book until I came to the wedding march. "Just… _play this,_ alright?"

Robin nodded and started playing again, and I was forced to run right back and jab my finger at the _opposite_ page in the damn book. "The one literally titled Wedding March," I ground out. "Not _Hall of the freaking Mountain King!"_

Robin blinked at the sheet music for a moment before smiling sheepishly at me. "Yes, that _would_ make sense, wouldn't it?"

I could only groan and slap my hand to my face as I started shuffling back towards the altar. "And we are off to a _spectacular_ start…"

" _Why didn't you just have_ **ME** _**play the damn song!?"**_

"Two reasons: first, it's more genuine coming from somebody actually playing, rather than from you copying it off the boob-tube—!"

" _HURTFUL!"_ Soundbite chirped cheerfully.

"And _second!_ …if we let you do it, then you'd probably play a version composed solely of _farts_."

" _ **YEAH,**_ **I would…"** the evil snail sighed wistfully.

Finally, Robin started up the appropriate music, and the Hirunos set off down the aisle. Aside from the organ, the church was _dead_. You could have heard a mote of _dust_ land. Which is probably the only reason I heard an odd knocking sound, like two ceramic tiles being banged together.

"What is—" I began, only for Soundbite to pre-empt me.

" _Burrato's knees._ **KNOCKIN' LIKE** _**Marines without a warrant."**_

A glance confirmed that yes, Burrato's knees were knocking together like mad. Ah, well. As long as he got up to the altar and stayed standing long enough, it wouldn't matter.

Despite that, though, that pit in my stomach from earlier had returned full-force, and wasn't going away. I was missing something, clearly, but what? We'd done all the setup, the wedding itself was so far going just fine… what the hell else could we have done?!

It wasn't until Burrato stepped up to the altar next to Lil that I realized what was going on, and I could _feel_ my eyes popping out. And Don and Vivi, from their bug-eyed, slack-jawed expressions, grasped the problem, too.

"Where…" Vivi snarled, steadily crushing her clipboard between her hands. "In the name of Osiris' rotting. Blue. _Crotch. Is the PRIEST?!"_ She emphasized the last word by snapping her clipboard in half.

Okay, I take back what I said earlier: _this_ was dust-drop silence, because she was right. No priest. No priest, no wedding. A mercenary took that moment to come up to Vivi, and whispered in her ear.

"WHAT IN RA'S NAME DO YOU MEAN 'THE PRIEST IS GONE'?!" Vivi _would_ have roared if Soundbite hadn't had the forethought to slash her volume.

"W-W-We tried to tell you earlier!" the mercenary stuttered. "Apparently, he thought that your crewmate's epithet of 'D-Devil Child' was literal, and he—!"

I caught Vivi's arm before she could successfully grab the poor mook's neck. "Run, _now,"_ I hissed. Thankfully, the poor bastard had the brains to do just that.

Vivi wrenched her limb from my grip and threw her hands up in exasperation. "Well, we're going to need a replacement, then."

She then promptly turned towards _ME?!_ "Take the damn book, get on the altar, and _do this thing_."

"Ah-buh-I-you—WHAT THE FUCK?! How the hell am _I_ qualified for this?! I don't have any authority here! In case you forgot, I got these—!" I held up my metal-encased arm and waved it in her face. " _Rejecting_ the existence of God! You should know, seeing as you were _there!"_

"The captain of a ship has the authority to marry people," Vivi frigidly informed. "But seeing as he's…"

"MMMMPH!"

" _Indisposed_ at the moment, then that privilege goes down the chain of command. I wouldn't put Zoro up there if he was the last man on earth; Nami's a woman and while the church might be liberal it's not _that_ liberal, so that just leaves _you."_

"But—!" I tried to protest, but Vivi cut _that_ train of thought off when she grabbed my collar and dragged me in close.

" _So either you go and get on that pillar, OR I WILL PUT YOU OVER IT!"_

I was a _wee_ bit confused by that threat… uuuntil I noticed the fact that my _namesake_ was hanging over the altar, which was my signal to _get a damn move on!_

So saying, I hastily ran up the steps to the altar, snatched up the Bible, turned around, and found myself facing a sea of rather unhappy-looking individuals.

"…Soundbite, think you can feed me the jargon?" I hissed desperately.

" _TOO MANY VARIATIONS!_ _ **Wrong one and**_ _we're screwed!"_ Soundbite shot back before glancing down at the good book. "ISN'T THAT THING _**FAMOUS FOR HAVING**_ **ALL THE ANSWERS!?"**

"Worth a shot," I conceded, flipping the book open to the table of contents. I knew that this was a one in a million shot, but— _wedding vows section!?_ I was grinning ear to ear as I flipped to the appropriate page. Hell, it looks like I might have been wrong in my beliefs all al—!

My eye twitched furiously as I found the appropriate page.

Nope, still right. Maybe back home I could be wrong, but here? Definitely no God. There was definitely a devil though, and one who had my name on speed dial.

The reason for these blasphemous thoughts? Because apparently, where most people found their strength in the Lord, the previous owner of this book found it _in the damn flask he'd managed to stash by cutting out the pages!_

"Soundbite?" I growled as I _very_ slowly closed the book's covers.

" _Yeah?"_

"If we make it out of this alive, remind me to ask you-know-who to make that priest allergic to alcohol."

" **Can do."**

Still, pissed as I was, the fact remained that I was standing in the crosshairs of a damned _army_ of bounty hunters, so either I let something come out of my mouth, or I'd be getting a bullet in my _skull._

Years of sitcoms, don't you dare fail me now!

"Ah… d-dearly beloved," I started hesitantly. "W-We are gathered here today, with the purpose of joining the scions of these two, uh…" I felt a sweatdrop weigh on my head as I tried to come up with an appropriate description. " _Honorable_ families in blessed matrimony. So, uh… uh…"

My blood ran both hot and cold as the leaders of the two families glared at me, but no amount of terror could make my mind draw anything but a damn blank. Damn you, years of sitcom, why the hell did you have to fail me _now?!_

…fuck it, I was a dead man anyway, might as well ram it in.

"Do you?" I asked.

There was a moment of stunned silence as Lil and Burrato exchanged confused looks, and then Lil slowly raised a finger. "Er… what?"

I sent a miserable glance skyward. "Want to get married?" I groaned.

Aaaand just like that I felt like I was getting simultaneously burned alive, frozen solid, _and_ stabbed in the back of my head. Son of a bitch, if I wanted to make it out of this alive, I'd need the luck of the Irish!

Lil's face went blank, her body frozen in its previous position and a myriad of thoughts clearly rushing through her mind. Finally, she bowed her head, the shadows hiding her eyes. "…No."

I twitched as I tried to process what I'd just heard. "Come again?"

"I said no." Lil snapped her head up, a fire blazing in her eyes. "No, I _don't_ want to get married!"

Screw the Irish, I was going to need the luck of the damn _devil!_

 _Especially_ seeing as Hiruno and Accino were ramping the temperatures in the room to _Ragnarok levels._

" _I suggest that you reconsider your words, you little—!"_ Hiuo started to hiss murderously.

" **If you lay one hand on my daughter, I swear that you won't leave this building alive if it means I have to go down with you,"** Don Accino promised. Then he turned to face his daughter, the temperature dropping to marginally more comfortable levels. "And Lil—!"

"I'm _not_ doing it, Papa!" Lil snapped, shaking her head.

"Lil," he… not quite pleaded, but still. "Your family _needs_ you to—!"

"No, you _want_ me to do it for the family, Papa!" she interrupted. "And this entire time, through this _entire_ ordeal, you haven't asked me even _once_ what _I_ wanted! Has it even occurred to you that even if this could help our family, _I don't want to get married yet!?"_

"Lil, without this marriage, our family—!" the Don started to protest.

"I want our family to survive, Papa, I do," Lil reassured him before scowling at Hiuo. "But more than that, I want our family to _live._ And that's not going to happen if we have to work with a _monster_ who's barely a step above those we _hunt!"_

" _You little—!"_ Hiuo started to snarl.

" **BACK. OFF,"** Accino shot back, looming ominously over the midget.

"Burrato, what about you?"

Both of the temperature titans turned their attention back towards their children, as the would-be bride spoke to the would-be groom, who had raised his head in response to Lil's voice.

"A-A-Ah, I-I-I—!" the poor bastard started to stammer.

Lil's expression fell flat, and she beckoned him towards her with her finger. "Burrato, you mind leaning down for a second?"

"Eh? Uh, s-s-sure," Burrato nodded shakily as he did just that. "W-W-Why d-d-do you—?"

Lil grabbed his cheeks and dragged him close so that she was staring him dead in the eyes. "Burrato!" she ordered. "I am asking you, _ordering you_ if I have to, to _pull yourself together!_ For five minutes! Can you do that? Can you grow a pair for _five minutes?"_

Burrato's mouth silently worked as he tried to come up with a response, _any_ response to his bride-to-be, finally screwing his eyes shut. "I… no." He spoke quietly, but with an unmistakable stout foundation. "No. I don't want to get married, either."

" _ **WHAT,"**_ Hiuo grit out.

"Do _shut up, brother!"_ Pavarotto snarled, shooting his hand into his jacket for his baton. "You obviously don't know what you're—!"

"No, brother, I _do_ know what I'm saying!" Burrato snapped, wheeling around and jabbing his finger in his sibling's face. "And what I'm saying is that I'm done staying under you and Grandmother's heels! A-All my life I've let you bully me, let you push me around. B-But now…" Burrato glanced back at Lil for a second before returning his glare to his family. "But now I'm _done!_ I'm done being your whipping boy! Heck, I'm done with this entire _family!_ I don't want to be a bounty hunter, and I'm not going to _be_ one!"

Burrato raised his chin proudly as he thumbed out the edges of his jacket. "I'm going to follow my lifelong dream! I'm going to be…" He jabbed his finger out towards the horizon. "A mortician!"

My eye twitched in disbelief. "Come again?"

" _Fun fact,_ **you were right on the MONEY EARLIER!"** Soundbite chuckled. " _HE WAS MAKING A BEELINE_ _ **FOR THE CRYPT BEFORE I scared him off!"**_

I slapped a hand to my face. "Oi vey…"

"Good for you, Burrato!" Lil exclaimed, clapping him on the back with a somewhat heady smile. "And hey, no matter what happens? Even if we're not going through with this, I still really like you! So… let's promise to always be friends, alright?" She concluded by holding out her pinkie to her counterpart.

Burrato smiled kindly as he knelt down and hooked his own pinkie around hers. "Friends," he promised.

Lil nodded happily. She then turned to smile at her sister. "And Arbell, I… honestly, I'm really grateful you tried to get the Straw Hats to sabotage the wedding—!"

" _SH-SH-SH-SHUT IT!"_ I hissed, desperately jerking my hand across my throat.

Lil froze, the blood draining from her face as she realized what she was saying. "Ah... w-w-what I meant to say was—!"

" _YOUR BITCH DAUGHTER TRIED TO DO_ **WHAT!?"** Madam Hiruno screeched, her voice as strident and chilling as a gale from a blizzard.

Accino's face went blank, and he nudged Lil over to Arbell. "Sweetie, would you mind watching over your sister for Papa real quick? Two seconds, Papa promises."

"Uh…" Arbell blinked in confusion as she took ahold of Lil's shoulders. "Of course, Papa, but why—?"

Aaaaand just like that Accino was tackling Hiuo, his excess of mass taking her clean off the altar. " **PREPARE TO BECOME A PUDDLE, FROST MIDGET!"**

" **I'LL TURN YOU INTO A GLACIER, YOU BLAZING MAMMOTH** **!"**

And with that, the two flared their powers, the temperature differences clashing like angry weather fronts, throwing up a massive wave of wind that threw the church into disarray.

Aaaand of course, both sides of the wedding were starting to gear up and eye one another like lapsed vegetarians eyed fresh meat, because _why the hell not?_

…eh, forget it. Time for Plan B… or was it A… C, I think? Screw it, I'm just gonna blow this mother sky high.

"RIGHT!" I shouted suddenly, gathering as much attention to myself as I could. "With all that said, by the power vested in me by the Jolly Roger of the Straw Hat Pirates!" I flicked my wrist and gripped the makeshift detonator Conis had slipped to me. "I pronounce this wedding _fucked!"_

And with that, I clicked the button and...

Load a nothin'.

I blinked in confusion, looking the device over before repeatedly hammering the button. Still nothing.

"Work, you stupid—!"

" **Oscar-worthy performance,** _ **Ledger,"**_ Soundbite snickered.

I glared at him as I jabbed the detonator in his face. "Well, if _you_ think you can do better—!"

CRUNCH! _BOOM!_

I blinked stupidly as I processed both the fact that Soundbite had bitten clean through the detonator _and_ that a titanic explosion had shaken the air.

"…Point to you," I admitted.

" **Heeheehee** _ **hohoho!"**_

"Aaaand as for you, I just sank your ship! _Booyah!"_ I jabbed my finger in Pavarotto's until-now-stunned face.

Said face promptly contorted into a mask of rage as he shot his hand to his baton. "Jeremiah Cross, you son of a—!"

I shoved the Bible I was holding in his face, my armored right hand on the back cover. "The power of Christ compels you!"

 _SLAM!_

"GWAH!" Pavarotto reeled in shock as a surprisingly sturdy flask slammed into his face and bowled him over.

"Also Impact," I chuckled as I waved my hand out before pausing and sniffing at the air. "…and vodka, apparently."

The room stilled in stunned silence for a moment, broken only by the family heads' continued clash… and that just wouldn't do, would it?

"Well, what the hell are you all waiting for?!" I demanded. "You were all set to murder each other not five minutes ago! Where'd all that enthusiasm go?!"

Boss and Skipper eyed each other, and in identical smooth motions ripped off their bowties.

"Right here," they growled in unison. And with that, they blurred out of sight before colliding in midair, flipper to flipper, accompanied by a visible shockwave of air that flipped wigs and unoccupied pews alike.

Aaaand that was the official cue for the chaos to start. Weapons were drawn and fired, and I promptly had to duck under a hail of bullets that shredded the top half of the altar.

"DEATH FROM ABOVE!"

I glanced up and damn near voided my bowels as I saw that the earlier hail of bullets had reduced the rope holding the big cross above the altar to a few threads. And with my luck?

The rope snapped the instant I threw myself forward, skidding on the floor of the church and hastily ducking behind a pew as the massive cross smashed into the altar, reducing it to splinters.

I panted desperately in an effort to get my breath back as I leaned back against just one of the many pews that had been flipped in the chaos. "Y'know, in hindsight?" I mused, casting a glance over my cover at the madness raging a few meters away. "I don't know why I expected, even for a second, any outcome other than this."

 **~o~**

"Ooooh…" Vivi and I chorused in realization, before slamming our fists over Robin's skull. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"Ow!" Robin flinched and grabbed at the point of impact, glaring indignantly at us. "What on earth did you do that for!?"

" _You're_ the one who told Lil to do what she felt like!" Vivi spat.

"And because of that, the tyke had the bright idea to stand up for herself in front of Momma Hypothermia! I almost got roasted and frozen in the same damn _breath!"_ I added.

" _ **And that sparked off THIS ENTIRE DAMN**_ **POWDERKEG!"** Soundbite concurred.

"IN SUMMARY, THIS IS ALL YOUR DAMN FAULT!"

"Ah…" Robin flinched, glancing side to side in obvious search of an escape route. "I was merely sharing the advice Cross shared with me with her?"

"You would have learned that lesson with or without me," I drawled. "Try again."

"Er…" Robin slowly inched backwards, Vivi and I following her step for step. "We were… aiming to ruin this wedding anyway, so I didn't do anything wrong?"

"Alright, _first_ off," Vivi huffed, snapping a finger up. "Not only did you ruin _my_ dream wedding—!"

I promptly slapped the Princess upside the head, an action she didn't even react to.

"And _second—"_ She raised a second finger. "You caused all of this shit to go down _while we were still in the firing line!_ That ice witch almost froze us solid! What do you have to say about _that!?"_

"Ahhh…" Robin held a finger up for a moment before sighing and hanging her head. "My mind's a blank."

"Both of our chores, on your own," I deadpanned.

"For a _month,"_ Vivi blandly concurred.

"Grgh…" Robin moaned, dragging her hand down her face.

"Oi, Robin!"

All three of us were then broken out of the argument by Zoro's shout.

"Hurry up and get those three out of there!" the swordsman barked. "Once I cut Luffy down and the love cook breaks up Boss and that penguin, we're _gone!"_

For a moment, Vivi and I were silent, and then Soundbite decided to chime in. " _Wait…_ **YOU MEAN YOU** _LET US ARGUE_ **this whole time when** _ **WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE**_ LEAVING?!"

"Hardly _let,"_ Robin very reasonably pointed out as she massaged the bridge of her nose. "You were all so caught up in your own outrage that I couldn't get a word in edgewise."

Vivi's mouth twisted, as if she were chewing on something, and then she sent a pleading glance my way, to which I could only shrug. "What? She might have started this mess—!"

" _I get it,"_ Robin said wearily.

"—but that doesn't mean she's wrong."

"Let's… let's just go," Vivi groaned, kneading her forehead. "So, how do we clear—"

" **Clutch."**

A chorus of snapping bone sounded out, and Vivi and I poked our heads above the table we'd been huddled behind to see all the combatants in a ten-foot radius lying in pretzels on the deck.

"That works," I said, before scrambling for the exit, Vivi and Robin hot on my heels. Still, despite the urgency I couldn't help but risk a look back, and so I spotted Zoro attempting to undo the rope Luffy was hanging from—!

"JUST LIKE ERUMALU, ISN'T IT BESSY?"

"FIRST OFF, IT'S NOT ERUMALU UNTIL I SHOVE YOUR BEAK THROUGH THE DAMN WALL, AND SECOND, _KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE DAMN NICKNAMES!"_

—as well as Boss and Skipper _still_ fighting.

"You didn't break them up?" I asked as we reached where Sanji was waiting with the TDWS.

"GO, BOSS, GO!"

"You kidding me?" Sanji drawled. "I've broken up enough fights on Baratie to I know that that's one I do _not_ want to get involved in."

"Good luck, Skipper!"/ "Use the San Faldan Gambit! The San Faldan!"/"WOOHOO! HAHAHA!"

"Fair enou—eh?" I blinked in surprise at the trio of penguins standing amicably next to the TDWS. "Wait, aren't you supposed to hate each other's guts?"

"Not really," Private shrugged indifferently. "Honestly, I think that Boss and Skipper are the only ones with any real issues with each other."

"Yeah!" Mikey nodded in agreement, a wide grin on his face. "Me? Once I get past their general douchiness, these guys are pretty cool!"

"Right back at you!" Private laughed, exchanging high fives with his shell-wearing counterpart.

"…huh," I stated intelligently before shrugging and returning my attention to the bloody but ultimately unremarkable brawl between the wedding guests (did I really just say that?). As for the main players, Pavarotto's quartet was surrounding his severely battered form and fending off anyone who came close, on purpose or by accident, though it looks like they'd slipped up a bit because Salchow managed to slip past them and land a People's Elbow on his gut, and Arbell was _oooh_ that's gotta hurt, especially with those high heels she was wearing…

Anyway, Hockera was over by the buffet table, using the inedible but very hot items upon it to shoot down the vultures that had flown in, Burrato was standing off to one side by Lil, looking as timid as ever but showing exactly _why_ the Hirunos kept him around by laying out anyone who came near with a single punch (and apologizing profusely for each one), and the Hiruno matriarch, last I'd seen her, was still trapped in the cauldron…

…which was starting to frost over _oh shit—!_

" _DOWN!"_ I yelled, throwing myself to the ground and everyone else following my lead.

And not a second too soon, because as soon as we hit the deck?

 _ **BOOM!**_

The cauldron literally _exploded_ in a blast of frigid air and ballistic black shrapnel, revealing a figure somehow even _more_ nightmarish than the one I faced earlier. Not only was the three-holed soulless mask back, there were enough black holes in the midget's form to confuse her for a zombie. One eye even seemed to be melted closed, but the other, shining with raw malice, more than made up for it.

" _ **SSSSSTRAAAAW HAAAAATSSSSS…"**_ she howled like some kind of banshee, the ambient temperature dropping so hard and so fast that I could feel frost forming on _me_. " _ **WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH YOU… THE MARINES WILL HAVE TO LITERALLY PUT YOU BACK TOGETHER!**_ **PIECE BY FROZEN—!"**

" _Heat Whirlwind!"_

That was all the hag was able to get out before a blast of hot air slammed into her and threw her across the room. Don Accino snorted darkly as he eyed the point of impact, and once he was sure she wasn't getting up immediately turned back to us, his temperature holding stable at a relatively reasonable range. Reaching behind him, he pulled out and presented a black bundle.

"Princess Vivi," he grunted. "In light of recent… _events,_ I think it would be prudent to give your offer sincere consideration." He held up the bundle and shook it slightly. "Care to trade?"

"Ah, o-of course, Don!" Vivi nodded eagerly, digging out the Eternal Pose she had offered earlier and tossing it to the Don, while the Don tossed the bundle he was holding—!

" _GAH!"_

Right at me, bowling me over with it because _damn_ was he strong. Though, in fairness, it wasn't entirely his fault, seeing as my transceiver _was_ pretty damn heavy. At least our flag had cushioned the blow.

The Don nodded, pocketing the pose before turning back to where ice and frost were starting to encroach up the church's wall. "Much appreciated, now hurry up and get going. I'm going to settle things with the midget once and for all, the only way I know how. _Temperature Up:_ **10,000 Degrees!"** the Don snarled, the ambient temperature soaring with his lobster-red skin.

"RIGHT, GOING! _BOSS!"_ I yelled.

"Skipper!" came Lil's yell at the same moment.

The rivals paused, looked at us, then turned back to each other, and clasped flippers, identical confident grins on their faces.

"Looks like once again, duty has drawn our duel to a close before I could finish kicking your ass, Bessy," Skipper laughed. "Next time, though? Next time you won't get off that easy!"

"Heheheh," Boss chuckled, shaking his head wistfully. "I look forward to it, Ski—!… No, you know what? I look forward to it, _Skippy._ I _really_ look forward to it."

"HA! _Now_ you've got the idea!" Skipper gave his old enemy a final clap on the shoulder before the two split apart and returned to their respective factions, with the Penguins exchanging a final round of high-fives with our guards before following after their leader.

"Well, that was fun!" Boss grinned happily. "Can't wait for the next time! C'mon, boys, let's blow this popsicle stand!"

"AYE-AYE, BOSS!" the TDWS saluted before following him.

We wasted no more time after that, running through where the double doors used to be into the antechamber and then out to the courtyard, the only part that was still relatively intact. The Thousand Sunny was at the pier, surrounded by the shattered carcass that had once been the Hirunos' ship, and Merry was waving at us from the deck.

"HURRY UP, LET'S GO!" she called as several ropes extended down towards us. Nothing impeded us from grabbing them and getting back on the deck of our ship, and as Zoro finally cut Luffy out of his restraints and joined us, I took the time to actually take in the state of the vessel we'd just evacuated. The windows were blown out, most of the lights were out, there was a diverse array of holes and fissures in the walls and roof, and alternating pulses of hot and cold air were starting to tax… pretty much everything everywhere.

Overall, it was bad, yes, but…

"You know…" I mused, rubbing my chin. "I suppose it could be worse." I shrugged at the disbelieving looks everyone shot me. "I'm being serious! I mean, the wedding was a disaster, sure, but look!" I swung my arms out. "The ship's still floating, right?"

"Thanks, Zoro!" I heard Luffy call out, and then I saw him stretch his arm out to grab the remains of his rope contraption. "Oh, hey, the rope's still intact! Wonder if it'll still work!"

' _I never thought I'd say this, but I really need to learn when to keep my fucking mouth shut,'_ I thought as everyone else shouted, "LUFFY, NO!"

 _YANK!_ _ **CRASH!**_

My arms remained in their upright position even as I twitched furiously. "Soundbite?"

" _ **ONLY LUFFY**_ _could do THIS by accident._ _ **LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, that was the sound of**_ **every single support beam** _IN THE CHURCH_ SPLITTING IN HALF," Soundbite stated neutrally.

And indeed, the church ship was quite literally coming apart at the seams, cracks spreading all throughout the structure before it finally collapsed into a field of barely-floating flotsam all too reminiscent of Krieg's galleon after Hawk-Eye had worked it over.

"Uhh…" A massive sweatdrop sprung to life on Luffy's head. "Whoops?"

"…RAAAGH!"

"GACK!"

I blinked in surprise at the familiar scream of outrage, and I turned to see a surprisingly familiar sight, save from a different perspective.

"…You know something?" I mused, cupping my chin thoughtfully as I watched an apoplectic Vivi wring Luffy's neck. "It feels weird, seeing this from the outside. Kinda refreshing, if I'm being honest."

" _Healthy for her too,"_ Chopper nodded in agreement. " _Honestly, I've been contemplating assigning a few of our crewmates a stress ball for a while now, but in retrospect, this might be even better."_

"Sooo… should we _help_ our Captain, or…?" Leo questioned uncertainly.

"Boys…" Boss huffed out a cloud of smoke as he watched Vivi wring Luffy's neck. "Let this be a lesson to you all: never get between a t-ed off woman and the target of her ire if you wanna keep your shells on your backs."

"Damn straight!" Raphey laughed as she slung her flippers around the shoulders of the suddenly nervous Mikey and Donny.

"Mwahahaha!" Merry laughed down from the helm. "Well, fun as that is, I think I see a few more bounty hunters starting to climb back onto their ships! Whaddaya say we get the heck out of here?"

"Ahh… sure thing, Merry, just let us…" I slowly sidled up to my semi-rabid friend and tapped her shoulder. "Ah, Vivi?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin when she twisted her head around and tried to vaporize me with her gaze, Luffy's throat still clenched between her hands. " _ **WHAT."**_

I shuddered fearfully before grinning in what I _hoped_ was a reassuring manner. "Now, Vivi," I started slowly. "I know that we just ruined your dream wedding, and we're more than likely to do it again in the future when the real deal rolls around, and… and… uh…" I scratched the back of my head with a sheepish smile. "Aaaand I forgot where I was going with this. Oops?"

"Might wanna quit while you're behind, Cross," I heard Nami mutter behind me.

I groaned in response and pre-emptively tensed up, waiting for the inevitable explosion from Vivi—but instead, she just smiled as she wrenched her iron-hard grip open. "Jeremiah Cross," she enunciated confidently and deliberately. "You, sir, are a pearl." And with that, she turned on her heel and walked away.

I blinked slowly as I tried to process that little tidbit. "Okay…" I drew out. "That was odd. And more than a little worrying." I heard a puff of air, and turned around to see Nami desperately holding in what I could only assume was hysterical laughter. "What's wrong with you?"

"D-Do you kn-know how p-pearls are f-formed?" she wheezed out, shaking from the effort of holding in her laughter.

"Kinda?" I hedged. "I know they form in oysters over time—"

"Th-Through constant irritation!" Nami interrupted right before she collapsed into howling gales.

Despite the fact that the joke was at my expense, I couldn't help but be impressed. That was a clever bit of wordplay. But as I heard the door opening, I snapped my head up.

"Hey, Vivi, wait a minute!" I piped up hastily. "Quick question! About that monocle you were wearing earlier…? "

Vivi looked back at me as I took note of the subtle movement of four specific members of our crew.

"I was just wondering: is it some sort of keepsake from your family, or some other kind of treasure, or…?"

"Huh? Oh, you mean this?" Vivi produced the eyepiece in question and held it up. "No, it's just an ordinary monocle. I picked it up in Lovely Land while we were setting things up, but I actually think I might—"

"All I needed to know so that I wouldn't feel guilty later. GUARDS!"

"SPEAR OF SAINT GEORGE!"

 _SMASH!_

"GAH!" Vivi flinched as a sai _slammed_ through the monocle's frame, ripping it from her hand and pinning it to the mast. Mikey, Donny, and Leo then proceeded to catch the glass fragments and toss them overboard.

"FREEDOM!" the TDWS cried joyously as they fell to their 'knees', or at least their closest equivalent.

"Grgh— _WHAT THE HELL, YOU DAMNED—!"_ Vivi started to howl.

"HIT IT BEFORE SHE HITS ME!" I shouted up at Merry.

" _COUP DE BURST!"_

 _ **BOOM!**_

"WAAAAAGH!"

And just like that… we were off.

 **~o~**

One hour, a blast off, a change of clothes, and a _lot_ of cooling down later, we were well away from the brawl going on behind us _and_ had filled up on a good lunch, which we hadn't had the opportunity for in the midst of the ice war and then the wedding prep. But with that done…

"Alright, everyone, now that that wedding fiasco is behind us, my knowledge should be back on track," I stated, drawing everyone's attention to me and solidifying their focus as they saw my expression. "And for what's coming next, you guys are going to want to get to training, right about…" I made a show of looking over my wrist before giving them all a dark look. " _Immediately_. Because the clusterfuck we're sailing into? Best case scenario we make out like the Davy Back Fight—the Backfight itself, I mean, not the shitfest that came after—whereas worst case… _not_ as bad as Enies, but easily a close second."

A long silence followed, during which most of those on the crew looked at me in significant askance, with the obvious exceptions of my partners. Then Vivi spoke.

"And… _how_ necessary is it that we go through with it, Cross?" she asked tersely. "I mean… I know we've done a lot of good in the past, but, well… is there _any_ chance we can skip past it for once? Just, I don't know, spare ourselves _some_ pain?"

"Well, technically, we could try, but there are a lot of interesting things that we'd be missing." I looked at Luffy, the question clear in my expression. After a moment of tilting his head side to side, he nodded with a wide smile, prompting me to smile right back and start counting on my fingers.

"Let's see…we'll be freeing over a thousand people from all over the world from living cursed half-lives—"

"Right, then. Carue, we have weapons to sharpen," Vivi interrupted, marching over to the pavilion, the duck directly on her heels.

"Oh, here, allow me!" Conis offered, rapping her knuckles against one of the pillars of the structure and drawing up our arsenal.

"Might I recommend the _rough_ whetstone?" Su proffered the stone in question with a vindictive leer.

"I'll see what training I can do as well," Robin agreed coolly, settling in place and beginning to focus. I grinned, but I didn't miss a beat.

"—Gaining another, ooooh… ฿300 million or so—"

"Pardon me, I think I have one or twenty treatises on climatology calling me from the library," Nami stated, spinning on her heel and marching for the stairs.

"—Beating up a predatorial voyeur who ate the Clear-Clear Fruit—"

" **I'll get to refining my Sky Walk,"** Sanji literally fumed as he started eyeing the skies. " **You can expect dinner to be deep-fried Mega-Gull."**

"—Helping to fulfill an ancient promise between men—"

"I'll start refining my arsenal. Maybe if I use more yeast as a stabilizing agent…?" Usopp mused to himself as he turned away and started walking towards his workshop.

"And _we_ will get to training on the Full-Shell Style," Boss concurred, sending his students diving over the edge of the ship with a glance, then following after them.

"—Getting Zoro's new sword—"

"I have a workout to get to," the swordsman grinned, beginning an ascent to the crow's nest.

"—Beholding the biggest pirate ship in Paradise—"

"Hold tight a sec, I'm gonna fire up the Cola-vats!" Franky grinned, heading below deck.

"Grit your buns!" Merry barked, leaping at Zoro—

 _CHOMP!_

"GAH! BRAT!"

"J'sht shink of it ash training! 'N ash training ish shuper important!"

And promptly… _latching on_ for the ride.

"—Meeting a world-renowned doctor who it turns out was only ever in it for the money—"

" **Excuse me, I have matters to attend to.** _ **Explosives to refine, dissection diagrams to draw up, you know… BUSINESS AS USUAL,"**_ Chopper cheerily informed us, heading for his lab with a _very_ twitchy grin plastered on his face.

"—Aaaand, last but not least: finally recruiting our crew's musician."

"Usopp, wait up! I need a new pipe, the pigeon guy sliced up my old one!" Luffy called, running after our sniper.

I watched as everyone went about his or her separate devices in peace before grinning at Soundbite. "Dontcha just _love_ this crew?"

"WOULDN'T MISS IT FOR _the world, PARTNER!"_ Soundbite laughed. " **So, you up for** _ **getting back on THE SBS?"**_

"Hm… sure, why not?" I nodded in agreement, knocking on the mast and grabbing the rope that dropped down. I then shot a glance at my other partners. "You guys want in?"

"Do you even _know_ me?" Lassoo yawned lazily as he flopped on his back to sun his stomach. "I'm just gonna stay here, grab some Z's and… actually, yeah, no, I'm just gonna go ahead and go to—!"

 _WH-CRACK!_

"YIPE!" The mutt-cannon curled in on his gut, snarling at the source of his pain. "WHAT THE HELL, YOU DAMN IVORY-FARM!?"

Funkfreed ignored his fellow weapon-Zoan in favor of grinning at me. "What my comrade _meant_ to say," he chuckled with barely-hidden steel. "Is that we're going to be spending the afternoon training against one another. Isn't that right…" He promptly transitioned into his hybrid form and smirked at Lassoo. " _Comrade?"_

"Well, I don't know much about 'training'," Lassoo mused, before snarling as he snapped into his own hybrid form, flames licking out of his maw. "BUT I'M DAMN WELL GOING TO MAKE YOU EAT YOUR OWN TRUNK, LEATHER-ASS!"

"JUST TRY IT, HYDRANT-LICKER!"

I chuckled as I watched the two start to brawl across the deck. "Ahhh, the joys of partnership."

"EVER-SO-FUN!" Soundbite cackled. " _Anyways, up, up_ _ **and—!"**_

"Ah, I'm sorry, but real quick?"

"Hm?" I looked at Conis in confusion. "What's up?"

"Weeell…" Conis cast a quick glance behind her before grinning conspiratorially. "I know that we aren't supposed to ask about spoilers and all, but while Luffy's occupied…?"

"Oh, no, don't worry about it!" I said, waving her off even as I subtly wound the line to my room around my forearm. "It's really no big deal. We'll just be sailing into a treacherous geographic location in which many ships have mysteriously vanished, fighting against a legion of the living dead, an equally undead titan bigger than most giants, aaaand two Warlords of the Sea back to back. A total cakewalk!"

"Oh, yes, of course, of course, I just wanted to clear that up is all." Conis nodded, turned back to her arsenal…

And then _just_ as I yanked on the line—

" _GET BACK DOWN HERE YOU RAGING BASTARD!"_ a little over half the crew screamed as they tried to swarm me, only _just_ missing grabbing the bottoms of my greaves.

"PFHAHAHA!" I cackled as I pried open the door to my hideaway, watching my friends spit venom down below, some even starting to work their way up the mast. "Truly nothing better than to be a part of this _miraculous_ crew, ey, Soundbite?"

" _Not a SINGLE_ _ **THING!"**_

 **Patient AN: 'Noticeably shorter than our standard length' my foot…**

 **Xomniac AN: Once again, our astounding productivity astounds me… go us!**

 **Cross-Brain AN: By the way, for anyone who was curious about how those pygmy whales happened? Well, one day a female pygmy sperm whale ate a giant squid in just the wrong way… and with that, we turn loose all of our omake-writing fans. Have fun!**


	52. Chapter 47 - Thriller Bark Pt 1

**Chapter 47**

Though our adventure in the Accino's icy hell was well behind us and everyone was preparing themselves for the future, that did _not_ mean that our next destination lay immediately before us. It still took us a while to reach the staging grounds for our next adventure, and of course, that travel time left plenty of opportunities for the day-to-day going-ons of the Grand Blue. From learning more about the culture of Oda's wonderful world…

 **~o~**

"Morning, Cross," Sanji nodded at me as he flipped the contents of his frying pan in the air.

"Mmmrgh…" I moaned in response, pawing miserably at my eyes as I shambled into the kitchen.

"Looking for this?" Robin hummed into her coffee mug, another hand of hers offering me my own cup of dark liquid.

"Mmph…" I groaned gratefully, accepting the glass and taking a deep swig from it. I then sank into the seat next to her with a pained groan, the caffeine chasing the last remnants of sleep again. "Mmm… how the hell did I ever wake up before we had Cola?"

"With less stomach cramps from drinking it on an empty stomach, I imagine," Robin observed dryly.

I winced as I took another swig from my cup, shooting her a thumbs-up. "Hurts so good."

The door to the room opened with more force than strictly necessary, and an annoyed-looking Nami stalked inside, tossing the day's newspaper on the table. "I'm getting sick and tired of them raising the price every other week. This is the first time that I'm genuinely missing Terry and Isaiah; next time we recruit a bird who can fly worth a damn, we find a way to get them to mug those thieving bastards en route."

" _ **HELLS YES!"**_ Soundbite cackled in agreement.

"Hells no," I shot back with a flat glare. "You touch Coo or any of his flock, you'll suddenly find yourself a dozen maps short, witch."

Nami snorted derisively, flashing me her _own_ bird before snatching up the plate of food Sanji offered her and stomping right back out.

I shook my head as I picked up the newspaper and started scanning the front page. I then did a double-take. "Well well _well!_ 'New Poneglyph excavated in Galridon Archipelago, South Blue'?! Now, this I gotta—!"

"I'll take _that,"_ Robin chirped, snatching the paper from my hands.

"Wha—!? HEY!" I _tried_ to grab the papers back, but a half-dozen hands held me off as she unfolded the newspaper, not to mention the page that was suddenly dropped on my face.

"You can have the funnies," she smiled innocently, entirely ignoring me in favor of the news.

I snorted derisively, making to ball up and toss said funnies away, but something on the page caught my attention. "Hm?" I righted the comic page and regarded it curiously. "What's this? 'Sora, Warrior of the Sea'?"

"It's a comic strip the Marines publish in the papers," Sanji explained over his shoulder, shifting over from the stove so that he could start chopping something up. "The tales of the Marine Hero Sora as he travels the seas, fighting crime and evil with the help of his pet seagull and a transforming robot."

" _Blech,_ I CAN TASTE THE **propaganda** _ **from here,"**_ Soundbite spat.

"Not as much as you'd expect, actually…" Robin mused as she turned the page. "Apparently the exploits of young Sora have basis in fact, specifically the exploits of real Marines."

"Really, now?" I said before looking closer at the strip. "Then… the enemy he's fighting… Germa… what is that, an 88?"

"66," Sanji responded, the chopping making his voice sound oddly tight. "Sora's enemy is Germa 66."

"Right, them. They're always who he fights?"

"Not always, but certainly more often than not," Robin shrugged before glancing over. "Why do you ask?"

"Huh…" I held the paper out. "Well, it's just that when I consider the World Government's standard propaganda, and the consistency in using them, plus the fact that apparently these comics are actually real… I dunno, maybe these Germa guys have some basis in reality? And if so…" I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. "I'll need to see about looking into them. With the way the World Government is laying into them, I bet they're pretty strong, _but_ the flanderization means they might not actually be that bad."

 _SLAM!_

All three of us at the table jumped, and we turned to see that Sanji had driven his knife into… no, clean _through_ his cutting board. Damn clean cut too.

The chef exhaled explosively as he eyed the bisected board. "Damn," he muttered.

"Are you alright, Sanji?" Robin asked.

"Yes, Robin-chwan, perfectly fine!" Sanji replied, shooting us a smile. "Sorry, my heart acted up for a second there. I should have known better than to test new peppers while I'm working."

"Eesh. Well, be more careful," I warned him even as I settled back in and got back to reading. "Your hands are your greatest tools, remember? The last thing any of us want is to see you hurt."

"I'll… keep that in mind Cross," Sanji nodded, going back to work.

"… _his heart rate's up…"_ Soundbite muttered.

I responded with a flat look. "The man just ate an ultra-hot pepper and almost lost a finger for it. Would _you_ be calm?"

" **Yeah… yeah, fair enough…"** the snail muttered, returning his eyes to the paper.

"And either way, come on," I scoffed. "It's _Sanji._ What could _he_ be hiding?"

As I read on, I made a mental note to have Merry or Franky check the woodwork of the kitchen. It sounded like _some_ stray piece of metal was hammering into the wood like a jackhammer.

 **~o~**

…To learning even more about our home…

 **~o~**

"…so, the next thing to cover is the third best idea Franky had for Sunny, the Soldier Dock System," Merry explained to several of the crew. She glanced towards me. "How many of them do you know about, Cross?"

I did a mental review of the ones I knew pre-time skip, and glanced back at Merry. "Well, the first one in the story was Nami's modified Waver, so that's out. The second was a shopping boat with your _ghost_ in it, so unless you've got a twin I don't know about, that's out, too… But I'm guessing the Shark Submarine is still number three?"

Merry grinned. "Sure is, but now that means I can save the other two for a surprise!"

I cocked my eyebrow at her in surprise. "'Two'? Wait, I checked out the helm a while back. Don't the numbers go up to 6? Shouldn't there still be a few more slots open?"

"Yeah, but only 1 through 4 are for vehicular usage," she answered. "5 and 6 are occupied. 5 is the TDWS' bunk, and 6 is Boss'."

"And for the record, I _love it!"_ Boss laughed, pumping his arms. "My own space where I can meditate and develop the Full Shell Style? I couldn't ask for much more!"

"Ahhh, but Boss!" Merry spread her arms wide with a laugh of her own. "'Much more' is exactly what Sunny has to offer!"

"Mm, yeah?" Luffy got out around the chunk of meat he was chewing on, looking over the side.

"Yep! Like over here," she elaborated, stamping her foot in the grass. The result was a sliding panel hidden in the lawn sliding open, revealing a chunk of the Sunny's inner workings. From out of the panel rose and unfolded a machine that looked a _lot_ like one of the cranes from back home.

"This is the contribution I made in case we ever need to run salvage again!" she explained eagerly. "It's not _quite_ as impressive as Masira's monkey, but it and the others I've also hidden will do the job for anything smaller than Big Bro. Oh!" She snapped her fingers in realization. "And they also serve a secondary purpose."

"That being?" I asked, looking over the crane.

Merry grinned as she rapped her knuckles on the railing, causing the crane to snap back and forth with more flexibility than it had any right to have. "Inspired by Franky's older inventions: a fishing rod fit for a king!" She hid a snicker behind her hand. "Sea King, that is!"

"WOO!" Luffy shot his arms up gleefully.

"Ohohohohhhh, this will be _fun,"_ Boss chuckled, rubbing his fins together.

"Niiiice…" I nodded with an impressed whistle. "No more starving, eh?"

" _And_ no more running out of room to store stuff either~!" Merry sang. "Observe!"

She proceeded to fit her fingers in a seam in the railing and pry it open, revealing… nothing? Wait…

"It's hollow?" I asked, sticking my head into the void in the wood and looking around.

"Not all of Big Bro, but a lot of his insides, yeah!" Merry nodded in confirmation. "It's so that he'll always have room to grow, see! No more squeezing together when we go over capacity, be it in gold, food, or new friends!"

"You guys really thought of everything," Nami praised, most likely having flashed over at the mere _word_ 'gold'.

"Eeeyes we did, yes we did!" Merry preened before reaching her arm into the void. "Though for _nooow,_ seeing as we're not actually using the space _yet…"_ She withdrew a metal box with a grin. "It's a great place for stashing snacks!"

" _ACK!"_

Merry blinked in confusion at the sudden gagging sound that arose, before giving the _empty_ box she was holding a flat look. "Snacks that Luffy just _ate."_

"For crying out loud, Luffy, we've been over this a hundred times," Chopper moaned in a long-suffering tone, morphing into his Heavy Point, grabbing our gagging captain around his midsection, and dragging him over to the nearest non-grassy part of the deck. "I'm getting _way_ too much practice at the Heimlich maneuver…"

"I'll get the kerosene," Zoro sighed.

"And I'll grab the camera for the scrapbook!" I laughed.

 **~o~**

And finally, to learning that the thoughts I had back in that church were ones that I really, really _did_ need to act upon.

And it was on the eve prior to our next grand endeavor that I found myself doing just that.

 **~o~**

"… _Aaaanyway, let's move on! In light of our most recent major fiasco—which will not be elaborated on for both our collective sanity and the safety of those involved—having been only the most recent example in a long line of similar incidents, it has come to my attention that too often do people—myself included, I'm afraid—have a tendency of incurring devastating results by saying exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. As such, I have resolved to take this time to spread some invaluable knowledge to the world: how to_ watch what you damn say _so that a certain bastard named Murphy doesn't bite you in the ass,"_ Cross's clipped voice dryly informed the world. " _I suggest taking notes; I guarantee that life_ will _test you on this later."_

"You heard him, Drake," came a cool female voice from one corner of the room.

The Lieutenant Commander scoffed dismissively. "Captain Ain, I'll admit that it's good to keep most of Cross's advice in mind, sure, but why do you feel the need to—"

"Because according to the base's scuttlebutt, you have a disturbing tendency of, to quote the pirate, 'saying the wrong thing at the wrong time'," the black-haired user of the Return-Return Fruit observed dryly. "Now start taking notes. Life might not test you immediately, but I damn well will."

Lieutenant Commander Drake shook his head with a snort as he turned and started to walk away.

"39 last month, correct?" Ain casually asked, raising her hand and illuminating it with a menacing pink glow. "Meaning that there are currently 24 years between you and _puberty?"_

"Never enough time to spare for note-taking!" Drake said as he immediately pivoted on his heel, cold sweat cascading down his forehead.

" _Alright, lesson number one, and this is the most important one. Take this to heart, and you will avoid most fate-tempting situations. And it's this: it can always,_ always _get worse. No matter how bad it is. And one of fate's favorite activities is proving that. A common way of doing so is that it starts raining, but ultimately it's—"_

" **Context-sensitive?"** Soundbite grinned.

" _NOT ONE WORD ABOUT THE TALKING SQUIRRELS!… but yes, context-sensitive."_

"…you heard that, right? He really just said 'talking squirrels'?" Drake deadpanned.

"I gave up attempting to make any sense of their comments months ago, and besides that, talking animals are the norm for them. Now _write,"_ Ain replied just as flatly.

"Damn it…"

 **-o-**

" _Moving on, lesson number two:_ the universe is always listening _. I cannot stress this enough. If you think you're safe to tempt fate? You aren't. Even_ thinking _it is a bad idea, and I'm speaking from experience here."_

" **See the following entries in our logs,** _ **which by this point read like the ramblings of a madman:**_ **THE CASE OF THE MISSING BRUNCH,** _the Sandbank Inferno Incident,_ AND OF COURSE, THE GREAT LOBSTER BLOWOUT!"

" _I swear, these waters have more noodles in them than an Olive Gar—!"_

" _ **AHE-HE-HEM!"**_

" _Ah… aheh, never mind that. Hm… ah, pardon, viewers, I was planning to go over some other common temptations, but this was rather spur of the moment, so… Soundbite, how about a music corner while I get a list going?"_

" _ **Ladies and gentlemen—!"**_

" _NO CONWAY TWITTY!"_

" **TUNE NAZI!** SUCK _**OFFSPRING**_ AND DIE!"

Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp winced as he pushed open the door to his old friend and current superior's office and was greeted by a riff of hard metal. "Eesh. I swear, that damn snail's taste in music just never seems to get any better, does it?"

"No, it does not," Sengoku sighed, flexing his hand as a slightly oversized blood pressure cuff was wound around his upper arm. "But nothing he could—" Sengoku choked off his response, cleared his throat, and spoke again. "But it is my _personal opinion_ that whatever ungodly _noise_ he peddles is certainly better than his owner's personal brand of drek. Though…" Sengoku grinned and chuckled, prompting his attending physician to smack his clipboard over his head. "Ow!"

"Sit still, damn you," Sentomaru ordered testily, his gaze never leaving the cuff's gauge. "Otherwise, we _will_ finish this physical on Doctor Vegapunk's operating table, under _his_ supervision. And trust me, his bedside manners are nowhere near as generous as mine are… sir." The last word was tacked on almost as an afterthought.

"Tsk," Sengoku scoffed even as he stilled himself. "I thought you were a bodyguard."

"Bodyguard to the best mind in the world, sir," the sumo-esque man grunted as he jotted something down on his clipboard. "I'm pretty sure that if I _didn't_ pick up a thing or two, then _I'd_ be the one on the slab."

Sengoku harrumphed, conceding the point before changing the subject, his attention back on Garp. "As I was saying, I actually don't mind this latest broadcast; hopefully it'll help keep our own men from saying or doing anything that could potentially trigger any… compromising experiences."

"Pseudoscience," Sentomaru stated dismissively.

"Pseudo-whatsits that's bitten me and my men in the ass more times than I can count," the Vice Admiral countered.

"Oh, yeah, speaking of which," Sentomaru grunted, holding up a pill bottle. "Delivery from Vega—!"

"GAH!" Garp snatched and pocketed the bottle, eyeing his superior sidelong. "Anyway… just wanna check real quick whether or not Buddha-boy here realizes that this is going to be helping the pirates _just as much_ as us, right?"

There was a brief moment of silence, and then a crunching sound filled the room as the armrests of Sengoku's chair splintered under his fingers. Sentomaru's eyes widened as the readings on his device suddenly spiked, and then he turned a murderous glare on Garp. "Take the snail and _get out,"_ he spat.

Given the fact that the Vice Admiral obeyed immediately, it seemed that Garp actually had some self-preservation instincts.

Or not, considering that he immediately poked his head back in. "Oh, yeah, now I remember: I came in here because I finally fixed the pagoda _you_ broke. Can I have my snacks now?" he asked.

Sentomaru heaved a mental groan as the pressure cuff _exploded_ off of his patient. ' _They don't pay me_ nearly _enough for this job…'_

 **-o-**

The sound of shuffling paper echoed through the bar. " _Alright, some common examples: 'I'll be right back'—"_

" _IT TOOK_ **US FIVE HOURS TO** _find Zoro_ , _**and he didn't even**_ **start on** THE ISLAND WE FOUND HIM ON."

"' _Nothing exciting ever happens around here'—"_

" _ **GIVE IT TIME…"**_

" _And Soundbite's favorite, 'It's quiet… too quiet…'."_

" _IT SHOULD_ **never be quiet** _ **when**_ _I'M_ _ **AROUND!"**_

" _And I'd like to remind you all that this is by no means an exhaustive list. Not even of the_ common _temptations. Good rule of thumb: if you're wondering if something is tempting fate, don't think that it is,_ run."

"Words to live by," Bartolomeo nodded sagely before knocking his mug back.

"Ah, c'mon, boss!" one of the Barto Club's newer members scoffed, leaning his chair back on its rear legs with his feet on the table. "Ya don't _really_ believe this load'a hoo-hah, do ya? I mean sure, there's a lot of weird shit on the seas, but _this_ can't possibly be—!"

 _SNAP!_

"—GWAGH!" said mook squawked in shock when his chair suddenly buckled beneath him, sending him tumbling.

Miss Valentine and Mr. 5 eyed him silently before glancing at one another.

"500 says he's stupid enough," Valentine blandly stated.

"Bet he ain't," 5 shrugged back just as blandly.

The mook lay groaning for a moment before shakily raising a finger. "…That doesn't prove anyth—!"

 _CRASH!_

"ARGH!" That scream was the last thing the occupants of the bar heard as the floorboards beneath him buckled and dumped him into the basement. "…Fine, so he _may_ have a point…"

"Damn," 5 grunted, snapping his fingers in frustration as he held up a bill to his partner.

"Never bet against the stupid," Goldenweek droned as the older assassin snatched her prize triumphantly. She then shot a surprised look at a yet-unaffected Bartolomeo and Gin. "I'm surprised that none of you East Blue-rs are surprised, though. What happened to being the weakest of the Blues?"

"Lived at the mouth of the Grand Line," Barto raised his hand. "We might have been weak, but we still saw enough to get smart. Not to mention you don't run a criminal gang _anywhere_ and expect to live long by being that stupid."

"Krieg declared that 'Nothing can stop us now!' once we reached the peak of Reverse Mountain," Gin drawled. "Then we ran headfirst into a damn _Warlord_ out for a walk at Reverse Mountain. What Cross is saying isn't stupid, it's _fact."_

"Straw Hats for us," Valentine toasted with a sigh. "One second we're saying we're in for an easy mission, the next we're picking ourselves up and out of the damn _rubble."_

"You know, it's not too late for me to give you a tune-up," Goldenweek hummed, her spinning brush causing her fellow ex-Agents to scoot away.

"No emotional castration, Goldenweek," Gin flatly ordered.

"Fine…" the artist sighed in an almost wistful tone.

Suddenly, the SBS' broadcast was interrupted by the " _Dot dot dot dot!"_ of a caller, accompanied soon after by the _KA-LICK_ of the dynamic duo answering.

" _Hello and welcome to the SBS! You're live!"_

" _Uh, h-hello, Mr. Cross. Um, I wanted to share something I said, see if it's tempting fate?"_

" _Of course, of course, I'm not going to_ dis _courage more awareness. So, what was the situation and what did you say?"_

" _W-Well, I might have, uh, swapped my dad's hair gel for my mom's hair dye, and when I saw the result I might have, uh, said that they'd never figure out it was me."_

The silence from the SBS was positively _deafening._

"… _Well, let me put it like this,"_ Cross finally said. " _There's a difference between tempting fate and running up to fate, punching him in the nose, and yelling 'Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!' You get three guesses which category_ that _falls into, and the first two don't count."_

" _Also?_ _PUTTING THAT OUT_ **here, on the** _ **SUPER PUBLIC**_ SBS, **WITHOUT** _ **blurring your voice**_ _?_ **NOT SMART."**

Barto let himself snicker a bit at both his crew's interactions and the sound of the poor kid suddenly freaking out before sobering up. "Ahright, enough fun and games, let's get to it." He withdrew a notepad and pen from his jacket and held them at the ready. "Whatcha managed to pick up?" He then scowled as he noticed his crewmates staring blankly at the pen and paper. "Hey, I might be a bastard, but that sure as shit don't make me stupid. Now c'mon! Local intel, whatcha got?"

The rest of the officers coughed abashedly before Gin raised his hand. "I've gotten word of three different pirate crews working in the local waters: the White Foam Pirates, led by 'Breaker' Bronson, ฿50 Million; the Meat Shop Pirates, led by Delgado 'The Fridge', ฿22 Million; and, uh, Hyper Force Go, led by 'Prism Champion' Seven Force, worth ฿77 million, natch. That's his actual name, by the way, apparently he got it changed or something."

"So what'd these guys do to earn their ink?" Bartolomeo questioned.

"Well for starters," Gin started counting down on his fingers. "The White Foams and the Meat Shops aren't actually that bad, in spite of the latter's name. The White Foams are surfers, you see, always looking for the next big wave or whatever. They got that big of a bounty slapped on them because they're kind of reckless about it, and they've capsized a few ships by using their own ship as a surfboard or something. The Meat Shops, meanwhile, are poachers who essentially run themselves as an exotic butcher… though from what I hear, they've discovered quite a few new species in their travels."

"Hm…" Barto nodded thoughtfully as he jotted his notes down. "And I take it from the way you put it, the Hyper Force mooks are…?

"Total bastards," Gin deadpanned. "An example would be how once, Laysan Island had a thriving mining industry based around silver, iron, and copper. Now they don't, because Hyper Force Go showed up one day, looted the mines, the warehouses, and the homes, and then just to be dicks, collapsed the mines behind them. Think a… Super Sentai team, I think it's called? Only bloodthirsty and evil."

"Tch," Barto bit out darkly. "Right… we'll swing around and kick the shit out of them while we're in the area. What about the white hats?"

"The people in the markets are loose-lipped around kids," Miss Goldenweek hummed around her frothing mug. "The bases in the local waters are G-77-Alpha and G-77-Omega. The similar identifications have put the Marines stationed at them at odds with one another in a feud, always trying to prove who's better. They never _deliberately_ hurt civilians, they're actually decent in that regard from what I gather, but their feuding has caused them to drop the ball. A lot"

"I'll leave them up to Capricorn, then…" Barto shifted his attention to the last of his officers. "And what did you two manage to dig up?"

"Eh, not a lot, to be honest," Valentine waved her hand dismissively. "The usual black-market stuff, though the smuggling's been amped to hell and back thanks to the Marines being more concerned with each other than their jobs." She frowned darkly. "The bad news, however, is that there's a lot of people buying 'Tulip Bulbs.'"

The captain glanced up in confusion. "And why the heck would I care about _that?"_

"You'd care," 5 grunted as he drew a baggie of powder from his coat and dropped it on the table. "When 'Tulip Bulbs' are the newest drug to hit the waters. And with the rate they're coming in, I'd bet money we're looking at the start of a whole new drug ring in this very city. And from the _size_ of the shipments… I'd bet it'll be a damn vicious one too."

"Mmrgh…" Barto tapped his pen on the notepad a few times before shrugging. "Well, I knew a few pushers back in Loguetown, so before we start smashing heads in a righteous indignation, let's find out if it's _actually_ vicious, okay?"

"Going by how another name for this stuff is 'Grave Bouquet', on account of how it's always a gamble between a hell of a high and _death?"_ Valentine deadpanned. "It's a pretty easy read."

Bartolomeo's pencil promptly snapped between his fingers. "Head-smashing it is!" he cheerfully stated through his shark-toothed grin.

"Alright, then," Mr. 5 grunted, starting to shift his shoulders back and forth. "You wanna get going now, or…?"

"Eh…" The Barto Club's captain actually cooled down at that. "Maybe. I want Lindy on this just in case, so that we can sniff out their stashes. Is Apis still raking in the dough?"

 _SPLOOSH!_

The unmistakable sound of something displacing a few hundred gallons of water and a round of cheers and applause sounded from outside. Bartolomeo blinked, then sat back in his chair.

"We'll give 'er a few more minutes," he decided.

"Who'd have thought that putting on a Sea King water show would rake in that much cash?" Gin mused.

"Mohmoo's cuteness is a major factor in the draw," Goldenweek deadpanned. "Trust me, I know."

"But didn't she say he's not actually a Sea King?" Gin grunted.

"Kyahaha! So he can only swallow fishing boats rather than entire battleships? Not much of a difference there!" Valentine chortled. "Especially not to people who've never seen an _actual_ Sea King!"

"Fair 'nuff…"

"Aaanyways…" Barto leered viciously. "Seeing as we've got time… HEY, BARKEEP!" he hollered at the, well, barkeep. "We're gonna be cracking a few heads in a few minutes! You got anything for the job?"

The bartender scratched his chin thoughtfully for a moment before drawing out and dropping a baseball bat onto the countertop. "Might I suggest a Winders softball bat? Mostly oak, but the ash twist offers a most _admirable_ stability!"

Barto's turned his ear-to-ear grin on his crewmates, and he spread his arms wide. "Ya just gotta _love_ bars with homey atmospheres!"

 **-o-**

"And _that_ is why you should never wear concentric circles on your shirt, ever," I concluded, nodding my head sagely as I leaned back in my seat, my arms crossed behind my head. "Aaanyway, that brings my seminar on why not to tempt fate to a close. Here's hoping that if nothing else, it serves to remind my crew and I why we should think before opening our mouths. Aside from Luffy, of course, because he's as hopeless as his grandfather that way."

" _I AM NOT!"_ the rubber man yelled through out of one of my desk's pipes with unnecessary volume. " _ANYWAY, GET DOWN HERE, CROSS! WE FOUND A—uh… SOMETHING COOL FLOATING BY THE SHIP!"_

I froze, and then found myself appreciating that Luffy had actually had the sense to _not_ identify what they found, if it was what I think it was, while I still had the SBS running. Maybe he didn't want to be compared to Garp enough to overcome his stupidity? Meh, either way, it was time to go.

"Alright, viewers, that's my cue to call it a day. So, until next time, this is Soundbite—"

" _And_ **Jeremiah Cro** — _WAIT,_ WHAT?"

"—Of the SBS, signing off," I continued without missing a beat, hanging up the transceiver in its cradle. That done, I shot a grin at a reluctantly smirking Soundbite before punching the key in my desk that connected to the deck. "Lemme take a flying guess: you morons just put a _shark_ in the fishtank and you also found a barrel with a black sail on it?"

" _Yeah, we've got it here now,"_ Usopp responded. " _Offerings to the sea god, apparently."_

"Sea _devil,_ more like," I scoffed darkly. "Tell Luffy and Zoro that there's no food or booze in there for them and then stash it somewhere safe. That being said…" I pushed down the keys I needed so that my voice carried everywhere on the ship. "Nami, if you'd check the air pressure…?"

"… _sonnuva bitch_ ALL HANDS ON DECK! WE'VE GOT AN AIRBORNE _MAELSTROM_ COMING DOWN ON OUR HEADS!"

"On my way, over and out," I saluted, closing my desk up and re-donning my bag and snail.

" _GO TIME?"_ Soundbite queried.

"Big time," I nodded in solemn confirmation. With that, I exited through the trapdoor and roped down to the deck. Merry was already at the helm and running her hands over the controls, and subsequently preparing the entire Sunny about as fast as the rest of us could working together.

I was still looking around when my attention was snagged…

"Um, Cross?"

By none other than our resident gunner, prompting me to look at Conis. She was currently wearing a dark brown duster jacket over a light gray shirt with a silhouette of a double-headed eagle emblazoned on it, as a pair of rust-colored combat shorts.

"Yeah, what's up?" I asked.

"Well… I'm sorry, I don't mean to doubt you and Nami, but, well…" Conis glanced upward, one hand scratching underneath her beret.

"What my good partner is _trying_ to ask," Su piped up, leaping onto Conis' shoulder and absentmindedly scratching at her orange-bandanna-tied neck with her hind leg. "Is if you're _really_ sure that a storm's coming. I mean, come on!" She waved her paw up at the sky. "There isn't a cloud in the—what are you doing?"

The cloud-fox asked that question in response to my sliding my hood on. Just for the record, I myself was clad in a dark-gray hoodie with a skeleton design spread across my back, the hood itself looking like the top half of a skull. I also had on a pair of black cargo pants, and my equally-black shirt had the same cross-moline/cross-bones design that I had on my cap.

I smiled at the fox through the shadow of my hood and hat. "Oooh, I'm just relishing in the fact that you seem to have utterly _ignored_ the lecture I just gave the world."

The world was kind enough to vindicate me via a bolt of lightning suddenly _CRACK_ ing down from the sky next to our ship, and the heavens disgorging all they could on us before the flash had even ended.

My smile widened as I regarded the drowned rat currently shivering on our gunner's shoulder. "See?"

"S-S-Sometimes, I really love this ocean," a shivering and murderous Su snarled. "O-Other times, I f-f-find myself wishing I h-had enough dexterity in my paws to _flip it off_ like you humans can."

"If you really wanna piss off the ocean, I suggest you do it the same way that every other pirate, Marine or otherwise does it!" Funkfreed offered as he basked in the gale force winds.

Su blinked at the elephant-sword in confusion. "And that would be…?"

" _ **YO,"**_ Soundbite drawled.

Su stared flatly at my partner for a second before snapping her attention to me. "I'll settle for mauling Cross."

I blinked in confusion at that. "Wait, wha—?"

Su leapt off Conis' shoulder at me, snarling the whole…

 _CLENCH!_

"ACK!"

And promptly yelped in shock when I snagged her out of the air by her epithet, holding her flailing soggy form a _niiiice_ foot away from my face.

"Nice try, but I've been training almost since the first day I arrived to survive this crazy journey. See what that's gotten me, eh?" I said with a triumphant grin.

"Yooooou…" Su snarled darkly.

"Yes, Cross, you can keep a pint-sized fox from mauling you, very admirable," Nami called down from her usual position of command on the quarterdeck.

"Now, if you don't mind?" Merry piped up from the helm she was all but bodily wrestling with to make it cooperate.

"GET BACK TO WORK!" the pair yelled in unison.

A particularly vicious swell and angling of the deck prompted me to toss Su back to Conis, and the both of us set to work, grappling with what lines Merry offered us in an effort to help stabilize Sunny and keep the Grand Line from sending us all for an impromptu swim. Despite Merry and Sunny being capable of handling most Grand Line weather on their own, we had all learned our places in case of bigger storms.

Granted, for all the spontaneity, it wasn't really _that_ bad for Grand Line standards, especially since the new Sunny seemed equipped to handle everything. Waves taller than the Sunny itself? Yep, rode 'em like a veteran cowboy. Lightning striking all around us and nearly hitting _us_ in the process? Absolutely, with only the rubber coverings on the mast tops saving us. Currents hard enough that Merry had to spin out the Soldier Dock System's paddles? You damn well betcha.

An iceberg just as tall and twice as wide as our roaring steed?

That… actually got us to pause in shock and no small amount of fear.

"Uhhh, _Merry?"_ I called up hesitantly, eyeing the wall of ice that was fast bearing down on us. "I think that now might be a _really_ good time to show _that_ trick off!"

"Cross, there's no way we're going to squander the first time we use Sunny's _SUPER!_ secret weapon on something like an Ice-For-Br—uh, I mean, an iceberg," Franky cut in, then grinned. "We dipped into the Dial arsenal to plan for that. Show off the Leo Fangs, Merry!"

"WAY AHEAD OF YOU!" Merry called back with a grin, pulling a lever beside her.

I heard a sound of shifting wood, but nothing seemed to happen, and we just kept growing closer to the iceberg… and closer… and _closer!—_

KRA- _KRACK-_ _ **KSSSH!**_

And then everyone aside from Merry and Franky dropped their jaws. Why, you ask? Because as soon as we made contact with the iceberg, _it split in half. Clean_ in half, by the way. I caught my reflection in the ice as we passed

"…I completely approve," Leo breathed, stars twinkling in his eyes alongside his fellow apprentices, Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper.

"I don't!" Boss snorted, his chest puffed out indignantly. "I coulda easily totalled that 'berg with a single punch!"

" _Cough-_ compensating- _cough,"_ Merry coughed into her fist over the wind.

"BITE ME! _NOT YOU!"_ Boss barked at our helmsgirl before snapping his flipper at an open-mouthed Soundbite.

"What… just happened?" Zoro managed, completely failing to hide his shock.

"I'd say that we've just witnessed what happened to those Axe Dials I stripped off of that obese bastard Eneru had acting as his general…" Robin mused.

"Yep! Franky fit them into Big Bro Sunny's bow!" Merry cackled. "Anything that tries attacking us from the front'll be split clean in two!"

" _ **BOW-**_ CHICKA- _BOW_ - **WOW!"**

"Nothing but good taste _,_ eh, Soundbite?" Lassoo snickered as he yanked at a rope clenched in his teeth.

"HEY!" Nami barked at us. "If you're not scared of the storm that's _still_ raging around us, I _seriously_ recommend you be scared of _me! SO GET TO IT!"_

"GETTING TO IT!" we all chorused, rushing back to work.

But that icebreaker was the only really notable occurrence as we rushed to and fro, fighting against mother nature, until finally…

I was standing on Sunny's foredeck when it happened. The storm, it… it didn't so much let up or anything as it just seemed to stop entirely. And the clouds… rather than dissipating, it was as though we suddenly ran headfirst into them. One second we were all clear, the next the fog was suddenly just _there_ , hanging all around us, twisting and coiling and shifting and…

Ladies and gentlemen… the _illustrious_ Florian Triangle.

Nodding to myself as I confirmed that we had entered the ghostly stretch of seas, I looked back down at the lawn-deck, where the rest of the crew was talking amongst themselves with varying degrees of nervousness… including Usopp? Wait, shouldn't Sanji have been busting his—?

…Of course. He never left the crew. He heard about it from Kokoro the same as the rest of us did. He had no reason to be any more negative than—

'… _frack,'_ I winced as the thought ran through my head, but I did my best to keep my cool. So, with as much casualness as I could muster, I leaned on the foredeck's railing and leered down at our sniper. "Oh, Usopp?" I sang.

He stiffened slightly before glaring up at me. "Cross, I am making every attempt to _not_ start freaking out by focusing on how far I've come at this point. I would appreciate if you _didn't_ try to get me freaking out."

Aaand that was the confirmation that I needed to break out my contingency plan. Before that, though… I nodded wordlessly to Usopp, who I think might have been even more shaken by the way I just turned away and started looking out into the fog.

"Soundbite, listen everywhere in your range," I muttered. "Can you hear anything? A ship, larger than the Sunny? Someone singing, a _lone_ someone who by all rights shouldn't be singing? Anything, anything at all?"

The snail shrank in on himself at my tight tone, but nonetheless closed his eyes and focused. After a scant few seconds however, he opened his eyes and shook his head. " _Nada._ _ **Silent as**_ **THE GRAVE."** A small trail of sweat appeared on his shell. " _THAT'S… ACTUALLY A BIT TOO_ **literal. This ocean, it's…** _ **I KNOW WHAT I SAID BEFORE, BUT IT'S LITERALLY TOO QUIET.**_ THIS PLACE… _it's not right."_

"My thoughts exactly," I sighed, shaking my head as I looked back at the crew, just in time for Nami to question me.

"So, Cross," she grit out uncertainly, spinning the lightning section of her Clima-Tact in her hand her Eisen Tempo coiled protectively around her. "This place is a ghost ocean, right? So… how do we get out of here?"

I shut my eyes as I considered, my thoughts drifting to the damned barrel resting in our hold, but there was only one response I could give.

"Just… we keep going," I muttered, my eyes sweeping the horizon—or lack thereof—all the while. "We keep on keeping on. We'll get where we need to… eventually."

"What's wrong, Cross?" Luffy piped up from where he was hanging from a line, his head tilted to the side.

I hesitated slightly at the question before shaking my head and turning away. "It's… it's nothing. We just have to keep sailing and get to where we need to, that's… that's all." I started gnawing on my metal-encased thumb as I stared into the more-grey-than-expected abyss. "Just… need to get there. Need to get—"

"Cross."

My heart felt like it was about to burst from my chest when a hand suddenly landed on my shoulder. I spun around and grabbed the limb, ready to blast it clean off with an Impa—!

" **Calm down!"**

And then, out of the blue, my blood pressure flatlined and I was standing in front of a visibly concerned Robin, my hand tightly clasped around her wrist.

A quick glance to the side revealed that Vivi was there too, watching me just as anxiously. She was currently wearing a light green hooded vest with a white trim over an emerald-scaled tank top, a pair of white jeans along with a green half-skirt, and on her exposed arms she had hung a pair of sashes that were white and bore green snake-like patterns, running from bracelets on her wrists to armlets on her upper arms, just below her shoulders.

I was panting as I stared at Robin, sweat collecting on the back of my neck, and finally I wrenched my grip open and let her go in favor of my own wrist, refusing to meet her gaze. "I…" I only just managed to get the words out thanks to my already waning calm. "I'm fine. It's just… nerves is all."

Robin tested her fingers before slowly raising her hand to clasp my shoulder again, which once again got a flinch out of me. "I think we both know that's a lie, Cross."

"Robin's right," Vivi nodded, her expression one of pure concern. "You deal with your nerves by laughing it off and making off color jokes that make me want to wring your—!" She trailed off when Robin shot a _look_ at her. "…right, sorry. But still, Cross, this…" She waved her hand at me. " _This_ is out of character."

I sighed, and shook my head. "It's… It's nothing. Nothing you can do about it. We just…" I shook my head firmly. "We just need to get out of here, alright? Just have to do what we need to do and… and _get—!"_ My teeth clamped down on the inside of my cheek, and I shot my crewmates a pleading look. "I…I'll be fine. I-I _will_ be fine."

Vivi and Robin exchanged uncertain looks, but ultimately Robin gave my shoulder a final reassuring squeeze before they both walked away, leaving me alone on the foredeck with Soundbite and Merry, who was too engrossed with her work to pay much attention to me as I started pacing.

In all honesty… Brook not showing up straight out of the gate wasn't my biggest concern. Time was a relative thing, after all, the travel time had shown me that, as had the filler arcs. It didn't mean much that it was taking a little more time for him to show up. Other people might have been worried, but I wasn't. I had complete and total faith that sooner or later that ship would come looming from the fog, bearing our (current) final crewmate, I just… I _knew_ it.

No… no, the reason for my fear was… well, it was the Florian Triangle itself.

Just as he had done so many times before, Oda had failed to fully capture the truth of this location, but for once I wish I didn't have to learn that first hand. Why? Simple: Because the mists of the Triangle were just _wrong._ Not even evil, which would have somehow been better, just _wrong._

You see, sailing on the waters of the Grand Line, I'd come to expect certain standards from the sea; I'd come to expect ever-present motion from the waves and currents and winds tugging at our ship, I'd come to expect cloud banks both big and small and innumerable sizes in between drifting and twisting through the skies, free as only clouds could be, I'd come to expect… life. Pure _life._

And the Florian Triangle? The Triangle was as dead as dead could be. The water rose and sank, yes, but it was all a single smooth plane, without any breakage or energy. The air pushed and prodded at us, but it was too devoid of energy to even be a breeze. And the sky… well, the fog choked that out well enough.

The fog, that damn fog… _that_ was the worst of it, let me tell you. That fog was _everything_ wrong with this place, distilled into an ever-present, semi-physical aura. Hanging around us, on us, threading _through_ us, that damn off-color air just seemed to _scream_ the pure sentiment of _wrong-wrong-WRONG._

On our way to this place, I had braced myself for the horrors and terrors of Thriller Bark. But now that I was here, in this place, experiencing it firsthand? Now I knew the truth: Thriller Bark wasn't what made the Florian Triangle scary. Thriller Bark was made terrifying by the Triangle itself.

And so it went: for interminable minutes that felt like hours, I paced to and fro on our beloved ship, trying to keep myself from _freaking the hell out_ on account of this… this _alien place_ we were sailing in (not an ocean, _never_ an ocean) wanting to swallow us all.

The worst of it all, the part that really sold how devoid of life this area was, was the sheer _silence._ Sure, my crew and the Sunny were both making noise, but… but it just wasn't _enough._ Not in the face of the world seeming to cease to exist beyond the fog, not in the face of the _absence_ of life all around us.

The silence was just so deafening, I swear that I could hear my heart jackhammering in my chest, pounding in my own damn _head,_ louder and louder and _louder…_

Looking back on it, I don't know what prompted me to do it. Temporary insanity, maybe? Some deeper nerves or instinct I wasn't even aware of? Hell… maybe even my _friend_ on high deciding to be nice with its intervention for once.

In the end, it doesn't really matter why I did it, just that I did.

One second I was suffering in silence, and the next…

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo…"_

I suddenly opened my mouth and _sang._ It was just for a second, a _split-_ second even, but the sound of my own voice was as loud as cannonfire in face of the fog's oppressive silence, and it shocked me deep enough that I fell silent for a moment. But that noise, in air of all the un-life I was drowning in, I clung to it like it was driftwood in a storm. And when the shock of it started to fade, I did the only thing I could do.

I sucked in a desperate breath and sang out anew.

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo…_ _Yo-hohoho,_ _ **Yo-ho-ho-hoooo…"**_

I started slightly when a second voice echoed alongside mine in the refrain, but a slight nudge at my shoulder got me to catch sight of Soundbite, who was grinning shakily at me. It was a scared smile, filled with terror and unease, but his presence alone gave me a dash of courage, and helped me forge on.

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo…"_ he and I repeated as loud as we dared, our voices ringing clear in the mists. " _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo…"_

" _Gather up all of the crew…"_

Soundbite and I snapped our heads around at the third voice that suddenly joined our chorus.

Merry donned a hesitant grin even as she maintained her death grip on the helm. " _It's time to ship out Binks' brew…"_

My partner and I exchanged a look for before grinning. I then walked over to her, dropped my hand on her shoulder, and joined her in singing.

" _Sea-wind blows, To where? Who knows?"_ we sang together, defying the Triangle the only way we could. " _The waves will be our guide!"_

" _O'er across the ocean's tide…"_

This time, I didn't jump when Robin grasped my shoulder. Rather, I smiled at her and clutched her hand reassuringly as we continued. " _Rays of sunshine far and wide—"_

" _Birds they sing, Of cheerful things, In circles passing by!"_ Luffy's eager voice laughed up from the deck.

All four of us started in shock at the sudden interjection, and we turned to look over the railing at the lawn.

Luffy was simply hanging upside down from the rigging, swaying to and fro as he obliviously sang his joy to the world at large. " _Bid farewell to weaver's town, Say so long to port renowned—"_

He suddenly dropped down to the lawn and slung his arms around Chopper and Usopp's shellshocked shoulders, swaying them back and forth to the tune. " _Sing a song, It won't be long!"_

The other two corners of the Kiddy Trio exchanged bemused looks for a second before grinning widely and grasping Luffy's shoulders in turn. " _Before we're casting off!"_ they cried out.

I only had to watch the trio for a second before re-donning my grin and picking up alongside them. " _Cross the gold and silver seas, A salty spray puts us at ease!"_

Robin joined in on the " _Day and night,"_ Merry picked up on " _To our delight,"_ and Soundbite tied us all together with a nigh-euphoric " _ **THE VOYAGE NEVER ENDS!"**_

We _were_ about to forge on, oblivious of the bemused looks the rest of the crew were giving all of us, but then…

" _Gather up all of the crew,"_ an absolutely _angelic_ voice resonated across the deck, and we all turned to regard Vivi in awe as she swayed back and forth on her feet, her eyes closed in concentration and her hands clasped over her chest as she vocalized. " _It's time to ship out Binks' brew! Pirates we, Eternally, Are challenging… the…_ ah… sea?" Vivi trailed off with a squeak as she suddenly realized that all eyes were on her. "I… ah…"

Vivi started when Nami suddenly rested her arm on her shoulder, and outright gaped when _she_ started singing. " _With the waves to rest our heads,"_ Nami recited wistfully, staring into the aether with a dreamy look in her eyes. " _Ship beneath us as our beds… Hoisted high, Upon the mast, Our Jolly Roger flies…"_

And that, quite simply, was the final straw.

" _Somewhere in the endless sky, Stormy winds are blowing wide,"_

It was gradual and hesitant at first, with people piping in one after another.

" _Waves are dancing, Evening comes—"_

Heck, some of our crewmates didn't even _know_ the words to the song, though Soundbite was swift to remedy that with some audio subtitles.

But in the end, no matter how clunky or off-tune we sounded, the end result was utterly unmistakable.

" _It's time to sound the druuuums!"_ This line was sung in unison by _everyone._

And that was the whole point: we were singing as a _crew,_ every one of us, all having come to stand together on the lawn, our voices pushing against the silence and fighting _back_ against the Triangle _._

" _But steady men, and never fear, Tomorrow's skies are always clear!"_ we sang with a single voice, our words echoing out into and throughout the void. " _So pound your feet, And clap your hands 'Til sunny days retuuuuurn!"_

I grinned euphorically as I cast my gaze about the deck, taking in everyone's expressions of exhiliration, of… of _unity!_ This was just… it was incredible! Just moments ago, I'd felt like the Grim Reaper himself had had his bony fingers clenched around my throat, but now…

But _now…!_

My brain suddenly shifted into overdrive as an idea blazed to life, and I dashed past everyone so that I could get into the guy's quarters and wrench open and jump down the hatch to the storage room. Once inside, I started rummaging through the crates we had stocked up. I knew we'd bought one on an island we'd passed awhile back, I just _knew it,_ now where—?

There! I beamed eagerly before wrenching the crate open, scooping up a few of the contents and running back up and out onto the deck. In response to everyone's confused looks, I tossed one of the items I was holding at Sanji.

The second the cook caught the paper lantern, his and everyone else's faces lit up with unrestrained joy.

From there… there were no words exchanged, no orders or instructions. Everyone just… just _moved!_ Maybe we were acting on pure instinct, maybe we were so in synch with one another that we didn't need them, I don't know.

All I know is that the next five minutes were filled with motion and mounting excitement. We hung and lit lines of paper lanterns, crate after barrel of provisions and cola and booze were hauled out, Sanji fired up the grill, and _someone_ had the bright idea to haul the piano out of the Aquarium Lounge.

After that, in what felt like no time at all, the Thousand Sunny was as radiant as its name implied, glowing from dozens of paper lanterns fighting back against the oppressive fog around us. Food and drink flowed freely, good times and cheer were held in even the dourest of our crewmates, and above all else?

" _YO-HOHOHO, YO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!"_

The singular song, nay, the _anthem_ that we were all belting out, that we were displaying as prominently as any army would carry a banner into war.

" _YO-HOHOHO, YO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!"_

Because that's what what we were doing _really_ boiled down to: we were fighting for our very _lives._ The Florian Triangle, it wanted to choke us out with its _WRONG,_ with its un-life, so we were fighting back the only way we had, the only way we could: with _life._ With so much light and and noise and pure _life_ that we could _never_ be snuffed out, a life burning so bright that the mists and all the terror they carried with them couldn't even _touch us._

And as I stood by Robin, my hand on her shoulder as she let her fingers fly across the ivory keys in a display of more energy and enthusiasm than I'd _ever_ seen her show, I had a perfect view of that life in its entirety.

" _YO-HOHOHO, YO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!"_

I could see Conis and Franky plucking and strumming their respective string instruments with glee, matching the song as best they could. I could see Boss, Zoro and Nami knocking back shot after shot from a barrel they'd cracked open, all _three_ of them looking utterly sauced from the way their cheeks were glowing and they were howling with laughter. I could see Vivi giggling as Sanji heaped dish after handmade dish on her, even as she passed off half to a slowly-swelling but still gorging Carue. I could see Merry moving her hands about like a conductor, directing the slightly off-key backing vocals of Su, Lassoo and Funkfreed. I could see the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad staggering around completely off-balance, having _somehow_ formed an impromptu totem pole on each other's shoulders that had a wildly flailing Leo on top and a struggling Donny on the bottom. I could even see the Kiddy Quartet kicking their legs up in drunken synch, Brook's afro bobbing to the—!

…waaaait a second.

" _YO-HOHOHO, YO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!"_

My eyes all but popped out of my skull when, yes, the _damn walking skeleton_ actually joined in with the chorus we were belting out, and a quick glance around confirmed that _yes,_ at some point or another a positively titanic vessel had docked alongside our Sunny!

Holy hell, we must have been so caught up in our festivities that he slipped right in.

I was _just_ contemplating how I should handle this development when Brook suddenly split away from the Kiddies and loped over to a nearby barrel, springing onto it with a single bound. It was when he drew a violin and bow from his coat that I had a burst of inspiration.

Moving fast, I signalled at Soundbite and picked up the mic from my transceiver, and a moment later all noise on deck died save for that from two sources: Robin's playing on the piano, which I encouraged with a hasty squeeze of her shoulder, and Brook himself. Hence, everyone's attention was immediately snagged when the skeleton put his bow to the strings, and started to play the most _beautiful_ music I'd ever heard from an instrument.

I'm not kidding here, Brook's playing was… it was _transcendent._ Soundbite had played a few violin pieces before, sure, but they _all_ paled when compared to this. The sheer crispness of the notes, the resonance I felt in my chest, the utter _emotion_ so obviously packed into each and every chord…

And then… he began to _sing._

 **-One minute earlier-**

" _Don don don don!"_

"Heh, Cross seems to be making a habit of starting a new SBS within a couple of hours of the last one," Crocus mused as he dislodged his snail's mic, Laboon having breached as close to the lighthouse as close as he could, as he always did whenever he heard the siren call of his new friends' broadcast.

This broadcast, however, was made different. Instead of an introduction, they were met by the sounds of a piano coming across, no vocals.

Then, all at once, a violin joined in with the piano. Crocus smiled wistfully as he identified the tune, and reached for a bottle of rum. Laboon, meanwhile, was swaying in the waves with just as melancholy of an expression.

"So, that's how you've elected to conquer the ghosts of Florian, is it?" Crocus sighed wistfully as he toasted the bottle. "Good. Good for them. To your good health, my friends…" And with that, he knocked the bottle back.

" _Gather up all of the crew, It's time to ship out Binks' brew."_

"PFFFT!" _CRASH!_

The retired doctor then proceeded to sputter out his drink in shock, the bottle slipping from his suddenly lax grasp and smashing to the ground. But Crocus paid it no mind, too occupied with gaping at his snail with wide, shock-filled eyes. Even Laboon, rambunctious as he usually was, fell deathly silent, for fear of accidentally drowning out even so much as a _single_ syllable.

" _Wave goodbye, But don't you cry, Our memories remain,"_ the familiar voice crooned, a tone of longing and sadness to it, but sheer joy and euphoria ringing true like _clarion._ " _Our days are but a passing dream, Everlasting though they seem. Beneath the moon we'll meet again, The wind's our lullaby…"_

"…The Revive-Revive Fruit," Crocus breathed in realization, raising a shaking hand to his mouth as tears welled up in his eyes. "The Triangle… This whole time, you've been in the _Triangle…_ "

A few tears slipped down Crocus' face at first, but then…

" _HAHAHAHA!"_ the wizened keeper threw his head back and howled with laughter, slapping his knee uproariously as he wept with glee. "THEY FOUND HIM, LABOON! THOSE KIDS, THOSE ABSOLUTELY INSANE, _WONDERFUL_ KIDS FOUND HIM! _HAHAHAHAAAAAA!"_

Laboon remained frozen for another few seconds, still trying to properly process just what he was hearing. Then, rearing his head back—

" _ **BWOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"**_

He threw his head back and all but _blasted_ the glass out of the lighthouse's windows with his titanic bellow. But unlike so many times before, this wasn't a cry of sorrow, of heartrending misery, but one of _joy._ It was a cry of love and joy, filled with ecstasy and punctuated by the fountains of tears that cascaded down the relatively young whale's mass, matching his age-old caretaker _exactly_.

 **-o-**

" _So gather up… all of… the…"_

The sound of the party on the other side faltered for a few seconds following the solo, an air of uncertainty and hesitation coming across the connection…

" _SO GATHER UP ALL OF THE CREW, IT'S TIME TO SHIP OUT BINKS' BREW!"_ Until Monkey D. Luffy and Jeremiah Cross suddenly chorused as one, pumping as much pure and unmitigated energy into our voices as possible. " _SEA-WIND BLOWS, TO WHERE? WHO KNOWS? THE WAVES WILL BE OUR GUIDE!"_

And just like that, the rest of the Straw Hats joined in and took the song from the very top as though nothing had happened, the newest addition to the voices joining in with glee.

" _O'er across the ocean's tide, Rays of sunshine far and wide, Birds they sing, Of cheerful things, In circles passing by!"_

A few miles away from the infamous Triangle, on an island relatively safe for pirates to land upon, one of the most infamous buccaneers of his generation scowled down at his hand, which was trembling at the very _thought_ of that infernal patch of the sea.

"Those damn Straw Hats… they're just more _pirates…"_ X. Drake growled to himself. He then snapped his shivering hand into a tight fist and rammed it into a nearby wall, glaring at nothing as the wood splintered around the point of impact.

"So _why_ do they have to make it so hard to _not_ respect them?!"

 **-o-**

"It's been far too long since we last heard this song," Shanks declared, his crew already moving to set up a party.

"Took him some time, but it looks like Luffy _finally_ managed to snag that musician he was always going on about!" Lucky Roo laughed around the chunk out of meat he was chewing.

"And as usual," Beckman sighed contentedly as he waved his fingers in tune with the, well, tune. "He couldn't have been satisfied with anything short of the _best."_

"A ROUND FOR OUR UP-AND-COMING RIVALS!" Shanks finally burst out, coercing a round of cheers from his crewmates.

" _Bid farewell to weaver's town, Say so long to port renowned! Sing a song, It won't be long, Before we're casting off! Cross the gold and silver seas, A salty spray puts us at ease, Day and night, To our delight, The voyage never ends!"_

 **-o-**

" _Gather up all of the crew, It' s time to ship out Binks' brew—"_

" _Pirates, we eternally are challenging the sea,"_ Whitebeard rumbled with a wide grin.

" _With the waves to rest our heads,"_ Marco intoned.

" _Ship beneath us as our beds,"_ Haruta continued.

" _Hoisted high upon the mast, our Jolly Roger flies!"_ sang the whole Moby Dick, at the same time making a massive toast towards their own flag, which they all would later swear grinned all the wider that night.

 **-o-**

"That does it, now it's official," Rayleigh chuckled, pouring a bottle of rum. "Everything for them is on the house when they finally make it here."

"Hell, I just might pay _them_ to leave some physical proof that they did us the honor of staying here," Shakky sighed with a smile. "This melody is so nostalgic… _Somewhere in the endless sky, Stormy winds are blowing by,"_ she sang along with the SBS.

" _Waves are dancing, Evening comes,"_ Raleigh hummed, slinging his arm around her shoulders and swaying with her to the music. " _It's time to sound the drums…"_

" _But steady, men, and never fear, Tomorrow's skies are always clear. So pound your feet, And clap your hands, 'Til sunny days return,"_ the two sang together.

 **-o-**

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo!"_

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo!"_ Buggy sang right back, chorusing along with his most hated enemies on the six seas as he swung his pickaxe with more vigor than he'd had moments before.

The rest of the work that had been going on in the tunnel halted, the Buggy Pirates staring at their captain in shock.

"C-Captain Buggy, you're actually _singing_ with them?!" Cabaji sputtered in shock.

"HAHAHAHA! But of course!" Buggy cackled exuberantly, working with an almost religious fervor and a more honest grin than most of his men had ever seen. "I may hate that damn Straw Hat with a flashy passion, but not even _that_ can start to get in the way of my enjoying a hearty round of Binks' Brew! The finest of pirate songs, and filled with memories of the best, worst…" Buggy's grin twitched viciously. "And absolute _craziest_ years of my life, and the _best_ parties of my life!

"So, _yes_ , Cabaji!" The clown-themed pirate suddenly swung around and pointed his pickaxe at his crewmate. "I could give a flashy _flip_ about the singers! So long as it's that song being sung, then I can't help but sing sing _sing!"_

And with that, the captain returned to work with renewed energy.

The rest of the crew exchanged looks for a moment before rejoining him, both in working…

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo!"_

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo!"_

And in singing their hearts out.

 **-o-**

In a small camp not far from the beach where a battleship was anchored, three figures knelt beside a campfire, listening to the sound of the snail.

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo!"_

"You know, this song isn't half-bad," Tashigi mused to herself, smiling and humming to herself as she held a sausage over the fire.

"Mrph…" Smoker grunted dismissively, wholly ignoring the way his cigar smoke _appeared_ to be waving to and fro in time with the music.

The white-furred rabbit-wolf hybrid that was sitting on the other side of the fire across from the pair chuffed blandly, paying neither the Marines nor the song any heed in favor of the marshmallow roasting on the spike at the end of his hammer.

 **-o-**

" _Gather up all of the crew, It's time to ship out Binks' brew. Wave goodbye, But don't you cry, Our memories remain,"_ sang out the undersea kingdom's twin princes in synch with the Strawhats, much to the delight of their big little sister, who was spending the SBS in one of her visits to the throne room rather than her Hard Shell Tower.

" _Our days are but a passing dream, Everlasting though they seem, Beneath the moon we'll meet again, The wind's our lullaby,"_ Neptune sighed happily. "Ah, it's moments like this that make me grateful that the Straw Hats provided such an inestimable opportunity, jamon."

Indeed, not long after Enies Lobby, the Ryugu King had elected to spread an ultimatum to all corners of his kingdom in an effort to guarantee that it would reach its recipient. The message was thus: if Vander Decken tried throwing _anything_ at his daughter during the SBS, even a _pebble…_ then he would see to it that all of the seas surrounding Fishman Island _burned_ , and the _Flying Dutchman_ and every thrice-damned soul onboard along with them.

Since then, there had been grace periods punctuating the ever-present onslaught of 'gifts' and advances. None long enough to get to the Sea Forest and back, but it was a major improvement, and he'd take it.

"I wasn't sure the Straw Hats actually knew this song, Father. I mean, the only reason we know it is because of Whitebeard," Fukaboshi remarked as he floated alongside his father.

"Hoh hoh hoh hoh!" the Lord of Ryugu Kingdom chortled joyously. "That particular miracle, I believe we can attribute to the new voice whom I can only _assume_ is their newly acquired musician! But! Even so, the Straw Hats remain the epitome of the unexpected, my son, jamon. And their actions right now are all the more proof of that, jamon."

Fukaboshi blinked in confusion, and Neptune lay back in his throne with a look upward that was equal parts wistful and haunted.

"If I remember the geography surrounding Water 7 correctly, the Straw Hat Pirates are currently sailing through an accursed stretch of ocean known as the Florian Triangle. It's a frightening place even for hardened sailors, jamon. I myself dread the mere thought of swimming under it, much less sailing in the ever-present fog that has doubtless driven so many sailors insane in the past, jamon. And rather than succumbing, what do we have the Straw Hats doing?" He spread his arms out wide with a hearty chuckle. "Why, they're fending off all the dread, gloom and doom with a song and a party, jamon! Truly as admirable as Roger and Whitebeard themselves!"

The prince processed that before shaking his head in awe. "They _are_ incredible."

The king nodded, and as he went back to enjoying the music, Fukaboshi subtly snatched up a bottle of sake and swam near the outside of the room. He held it out behind his back, and smiled lightly as he felt it leave. "You're always welcome, you know," the prince whispered before swimming back.

The recipient of the drink only responded with with a wistful sigh and a smile as he opened the bottle and poured himself a cup.

" _Gather up all of the crew, It's time to ship out Binks' brew. Sing a song, and play along for all the oceans wide,"_ the old former guard of the palace sang along beneath his breath, sipping down the brew as he sat so close to his old patrol.

 **-o-**

And around the world, in the handful of cemeteries where the undertakers had taken to setting up Transponder Snails both to listen to the SBS themselves and to provide whatever comfort they could to those that rested—for there were many stranger things that they had learned of—it did happen that as some of them looked out among the tombstones…

Perhaps it was merely a trick of the light or dark. But those watchers would swear until the day they died that beside certain markers—markers in the North, West and East Blue, along with several in Paradise—there appeared translucent figures who danced jovially to the sound of the song.

" _After all is said and done, You'll end up a skeleton, So spread your tale from dawn 'til dusk upon these foamy seas!"_

 **-o-**

And so the party went, on and on for who knows how long, until we ran out of energy and quite simply _couldn't_ carry on any longer. Sure, we were sore as hell and tired once it was over, and the hangovers would be apocalyptic, but damn it all, it was _worth it._

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo!"_

But you know, for all that the end of the party was a blank-ass blur, I do remember _one_ thing: the mist. As the party dragged on, the mist came back aboard the Sunny, weaving around us. But… it wasn't a sickly purple, it wasn't not-alive. Rather… it was yellow. A healthy, _vibrant_ yellow that couldn't be anything other than _life._ And as the party ran on and on, I swear to you, that mist, it looked like people, dozens at once, all partying alongside us. And as we sang, I swear that their voices all joined us in chorus, celebrating our victory over the Florian Triangle.

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo! Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo! Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hoooo! Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-hooooooo…"_

 **-o-**

"Yohohohohoho! My goodness! I do apologize for so rudely intruding upon your ship, but I couldn't quite help myself! I haven't had so much fun in decades!"

Yeeeaaah… fun as the party was, once it came to an end, and the SBS along with it, we still had to address the elephant on the deck, and we'd _already_ handled Funkfreed.

Granted, while everyone was still a little disturbed, they weren't completely freaked out anymore, as evidenced by Usopp not yet wearing his exorcist garb. Kind of understandable, really. I mean, it's not like you can _really_ be that scared of someone after you've celebrated with them like we just had. That was good. Well, for now, best to play things nice and subtle, just to be sure that things didn't—

"Question!" Luffy piped up from where he was sitting cross-legged on the railing, sticking his hand in the air. "Are you a real skeleton?"

I promptly slapped a hand to my face. Really, what had I expected? " _Damn it,_ Luffy."

There was a ripple of shock throughout the crew, but Vivi was swift to plaster a shaky grin on her face and wave her hand dismissively. "N-N-Now Luffy, I-I-I'm _certain_ that's not the case! I-In spite of the utter _bullshit_ Cross spewed awhile back, t-t-the dead can't _really_ walk the earth!"

"Y-Y-Yeah, yeah!" Donny nodded frantically, his eyes spinning with panic. "I-I-It's obviously just a costume! A really really good costume! Right?" The poor dugong snapped his frantic grin on the subject of the conversation. " _R-R-Right!?"_

"No, I'm a real live skeleton," Brook responded casually, as though he were discussing the weather. "See?" Aaand with that he opened his skull up…

 _TH-THWUMP!_

Aaaand down went Donny and Vivi, foaming at the mouth.

"Although…" Brook mused as he clicked his skull shut again. "I suppose I'm not actually a _live_ skeleton, seeing as I'm currently _dead! YOHOHOHOHO!"_ He nearly busted a rib as he suddenly doubled over with laughter. " _SKULL JOKE!"_

"HEEHEEHEE _ **hohohoHAHAHA!"**_ Soundbite joined him in his laughing. " **HILARIOUS!"**

There was a brief moment of discussion as everyone huddled…

"Question!" Aaaand then of course Luffy stuck his hand up like a dumbass _again._ "Do you poop?"

"DON'T ASK HIM THAT!" Nami roared, her exasperation with the situation apparently hitting an all-time high.

"Yes, I do poop," Brook answered with the utmost sincerity.

" _AND DON'T ANSWER IT EITHER!"_

"I'm guessing they hurt like hell…" Mikey bowed his head solemnly, before snapping his flippers up so that he was pointing at Brook with a shit-eating grin. "Because they're always bone-dry!"

"YOHOHOHOHO!" Brook laughed as he pointed right back. "SKULL JOKE!"

 _SLA-SLAM!_

"THAT'S WORSE THAN THE LAST ONE!" Raphey roared as she towered above the pair's insensate and smoking forms, then turned towards our captain. "AND YOU—!"

"Oh, please, Raphey, allow me," I deadpanned. "Hey, Luffy, remember how I told you how being stupid was gonna start to hurt?"

"Eh?" Luffy tilted his head to the side in confusion. "Yeah. Why?"

By way of response, I raised my right hand and snapped my fingers.

 _SLAM!_ "MMMPH!"

I was then rewarded by the sight of Luffy stumbling around with his head stuck in his chest thanks to a certain elephant slamming his trunk on his head. "Now, _that_ feels good," I sighed contentedly.

"Wow. I like this even more than my usual punches," Nami remarked.

"I'll keep that in mind," I nodded right back.

"Yeah, yeah, it's all fun and games to see Luffy get his just desserts!" Franky bit out nervously as he kept a wary eye on Brook. "But c'mon, can we _please_ focus on the undead guy on the deck?"

"Oh, certainly," Conis said calmly. She then… walked over to Brook, who'd recovered from Raphey's 'disciplining' with admirable swiftness, and gave him a politely shallow bow. "Welcome to the Thousand Sunny, Mister Skeleton, ship and home of the Straw Hat Pirates. My name is Conis, the crew's gunner, and this is my partner Su. Say hello to the nice skeleton, Su."

"Ooooh _honey…"_ Su moaned, dragging her paw down her muzzle.

"Yohohoho! What a polite talking white fox!" Brook laughed as he doffed his hat in greeting. "I am Brook, gentleman skeleton! Truly, it is a pleasure to meet you all!"

"And it's a pleasure to meet you as well, Mister Brook!" Conis smiled beatifically, clasping his hand and shaking it enthusiastically. She was then broken out of her politeness by a tug on her leg, prompting her to glance down. "Yes, Merry?"

"Conis," the ship-girl started uncertainly. "You… _are_ aware that the living dead _aren't_ normal or common down here… right?"

Conis stared down at Merry a second longer before _slooowly_ returning her gaze to Brook… who'd leant forwards so that his fleshless face was right in hers.

"Pardon me, young lady," he said with the utmost seriousness. "But may I please see your panties?"

Intriguingly enough, though Conis' expression remained petrified in a polite smile, her antenna-hairstyle actually twitched. Once, twice…

 _FWUMP!_

Aaaand she'd just keeled forward and was out for the count, pushing up the bubbly alongside our princess and intellectual Dugong.

Lassoo cocked his eyebrow as he poked at the angel with his paw. "You'd think she'd be used to the weirdness after living with talking animals on a daily basis."

"Oh, of _course!"_ Brook laughed lightheartedly as he slapped a hand to his forehead. "I _knew_ I was forgetting something! If you'll excuse me… GOOD GOD YOUR ANIMALS ARE TALKING!" the 'gentleman' skeleton shrieked as he leapt several feet in the air.

" _LIKE YOU HAVE ANY ROOM TO FREAK OUT OVER SOMETHING THAT NORMAL!"_ pretty much… _everyone_ really, roared at him in response.

"Alright, that's it," I groaned, walking over and yanking the skeleton out of the tree he'd inadvertently leapt into and subsequently drawing everyone's attention. "Yes, everyone, skeletons aren't supposed to be alive. On the other hand, animals aren't supposed to talk, either. Also, reindeer shouldn't be part human, guns shouldn't turn into dachshunds, swords shouldn't turn into elephants, ships shouldn't turn into girls, people shouldn't be able to stretch or grow limbs anywhere and everywhere and WHY DO I STILL HAVE TO SPELL THIS OUT WHEN WE'VE TRAVELED ALMOST HALF OF THE FREAKING _GRAND LINE?!"_ I capped off by roaring my exasperation to the high heavens because _holy hell how were they still all this thick, especially the two_ living _thanks to damn Devil—_ oh right, one was halfway senile… now I just made myself _sad…_

On the other hand, everyone else on the crew was looking very suitably chastised, especially the erstwhile fainted whom I had apparently woken up, and the other Fruit Users.

…well, most of the other Fruit Users, at any rate, Luffy's head was still—

 _POP!_ "GAH! AIR!"

Oh, no, never mind, he'd just reached in and pulled his head out. Kinda freaky.

"Whoo, I almost died…" Luffy panted with relief before looking around in confusion. "What'd I miss?"

"Devil Fruit," Zoro deadpanned, pointing at Brook.

"Everyone else on this ship being as dimwitted as you," I deadpanned at the same time.

"Awww…" Luffy sagged for a second, at the news about Brook if I had to guess, before perking up with his usual smile. "Still pretty cool, though! Hey, I've been trying to find a musician since the start! Wanna join my crew?"

"WHAT?!" most of the crew yelled.

"Why, I'd love to!" Brook responded pleasantly.

" _WHAAAAAT!?"_

" _Funkfreed,"_ Nami snarled murderously.

"No no," I waved the elephant down. "I'm actually gonna let this one slide."

" _Are you—?"_

"THE TDWS FORMALLY PROTESTS THE INCLUSION OF A LIVING SKELETON ON OUR CREW!" Leo barked suddenly, drawing everyone's attention to where the aforementioned quartet of dugongs were all looking with varying degrees of nervousness at Brook. Well, that wouldn't do.

"Did I mention he's a swordsman?" I posed innocently.

"LIKE I WAS SAYING, WELCOME TO THE CREW, BROOK!" Leo exclaimed, shaking the musician's bony hand while two of his fellow apprentices sagged in defeat, and Mikey seemed to perk up.

"Wait!"

The humor of the situation cut off when, of all people, _Merry_ spoke up, her gaze focused on the galleon beside us and… filled with sadness? "The old man, he… he's really sad, but… he says that Brook _can't_ join because…" She slowly turned her sorrowful gaze to Brook. "Because he's already a captain. Captain Brook… of the Rumbar Pirates."

…So, _that's_ how a skeleton can look simultaneously poleaxed and sorrowful. "I… ah, I… y-yes, I suppose that's… I-I-I'm sorry, it's just that for a moment…"

" _Rumbar…_ **Rumbar…** _ **where have I heard that before?"**_ Soundbite muttered on my shoulder.

I opened my mouth to tell Soundbite to clam it, but then I actually _thought._

And then instead, I spoke thusly: "Yohoho and an _afro,_ my friend."

Soundbite's ashen complexion went straight-up _white,_ and he slowly rotated his eyestalks to stare at me with naked, gaping astonishment. " _Not possible…"_

"A saying from my old world, my friend," I whispered back reverentially. "Oda, the great creator of this world? He _never._ _Ever. Forgets."_

Soundbite stared at me a moment longer before slowly looking back at a still babbling Brook. " _Cross… C-Can I…? Should I—?"_

"Soundbite."

The snail snapped his teeth shut.

"What you see before you is still relatively canon. The words you are thinking of are canonballs."

I grinned viciously.

" _Fire at will."_

And just like that, Soundbite's grin was back and more savage than ever. " **YES, SIR!** _ **HEY!"**_ he then proceeded to bark at full volume, capturing everyone's attention. " _ **HOLD EVERYTHING! I JUST FIGURED SOMETHING OUT ABOUT OUR GUEST!"**_

"Took this long to realize he's a skeleton? Who makes the obligatory 'snails are slow' joke this time?" Su snarked.

" _CAN IT, COTTONTAIL!"_ my partner snapped, glaring at Su with enough force that she actually recoiled. " _I realized_ **WHAT** _ **he was IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARTY, but the**_ **LAST TIME I SAW** _**anyone**_ _THAT HAPPY WAS_ **when my partner here saved Merry.** I WASN'T GONNA RUIN _**THAT."**_

"Ah… ahem…" Su coughed into her paw abashedly.

He looked back at Brook a second later, his eyes wide in shock. " _No…_ **I just realized** _ **exactly WHO he is.**_ FIFTY YEARS AGO, _A CREW LEFT AN ISLAND WHALE AT THE TWIN CAPES, at the start of the Grand Line_ … **before disappearing into oblivion. THE NAME OF THOSE PIRATES?"** Soundbite snapped his gaze to the massive galleon beside us. " _ **THE RUMBAR PIRATES!"**_

The words sent a ripple of shock through the original six East Blue dwellers of our crew.

"Wait… _Island Whale?"_ Nami breathed, shock written over her face.

"You… You can't be serious!" Usopp managed to get out.

But compared to Brook, these reactions were _tame._

"Whale…" he gasped in shock, staggering back as though he'd been physically struck. "You—? Y-You can't mean—!"

" **I DAMN WELL DO!"** Soundbite nodded firmly, his gaze never leaving the skeleton. " _ **Fifty years but still going strong.**_ A TRAGIC TALE, BUT ONE I'LL NEVER FORGET! _AND ONE THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING!_ **This man, this Brook… is the last surviving member** _of the Rumbar Pirates!"_

Soundbite then threw his head back and shouted the most _shocking_ truth that the Florian Triangle had ever hid away for all to hear.

" _ **HE'S**_ _**THE LAST OF LABOON'S FRIEEEEENDS!"**_

Brook staggered back, as though _physically_ struck. "You… you know Laboon…?" he stammered out weakly, apparently incapable of believing his own ears. Or lack thereof, anyways.

…hey, this was actually pretty fun! For now, though…

"Merry," I spoke up, drawing the ship-girl's attention. "Would you mind filling in the rest of the crew about our first adventure in the Grand Line real quick? I'll just need a second."

Merry snapped up a salute with a grin, and while she was holding everyone's attention, _I_ stepped up close to Brook and captured his. And Luffy's, though the rubber-man was only half-listening.

"In case you're still thinking about saying no," I muttered _sotto voce,_ so as to avoid distracting anyone from our helmsgirl. "Let me give you a little background on our crew: we've managed to garner something of a reputation for ironclad loyalty. Anytime _anyone_ hurts one of ours in any way, they pay for it but good. To date, our scorecard has a grand total of the top four names on the East Blue's Most Wanted list, one Warlord of the Seas and the _Blue-spanning_ criminal organization he created, one lightning-Logia bastard with a god-complex, and most recently, the _entire Judicial Island of Enies Lobby and the ten battleships that tried to stop us…_ along with Cipher Pol No. 9, if that means anything to you."

Going by how Brook sucked in a breath he didn't need, I'd say it damn well did.

"Even besides that, most all of us _also_ have a damn decent moral compass that doesn't take much bullshit. Now, we scooped up an ' _offering to the sea gods'_ right before we entered this hell ocean and we still have it in our hold. Tell me, Mister Skeleton…" I shot a grin up at the old man's bony (HA!) visage. "What the hell do you think this crew is going to do when they find out just how _naughty_ the overgrown shadow-lizard's been, hm?"

" _NAAAAUGHTYYY…"_ Soundbite drawled with a distinctly sadistic overtone.

"…Before I say anything about that… _Laboon._ He's still—?"

"Waiting at the Twin Capes with Crocus. And you wanna know something else?" I grinned as I patted the bag beside me, drawing his attention to it. "The device in this bag can transmit Soundbite's broadcast to Transponder Snails all around the world simultaneously. And I had it running from the _second_ you started to sing."

Brook started to tremble. "So… So, so long as Crocus has a snail—!"

"My friend," I breathed kindly as I clapped my hand on his shoulder. "Not only is Laboon still waiting for you… but now, for the first time in _decades_ , he and Crocus both know that you're still alive. They know you're coming _back."_

That tore it. Brook sank to his knees, overcome with emotion, and impossibly, tears started streaming out of his eye sockets.

For a few seconds, he shuddered and gasped breathlessly (though he had no lungs to breathe with, _so much damn fun!)_ , garnering our whole crew's attention. After those seconds, however…

" _Uh… Uhh… UWAAAAAAAAAAH!"_

The skeleton let loose a _howl_ of pure emotion, his voice echoing out across the placid waters of the Triangle and all but rending the air _itself_ apart.

William Friedkin could go and suck it. This? This right here was a _real_ exorcism. Right here, right now, we were witnessing fifty _years'_ worth of ghosts and demons and nightmares and the _wrong_ of the Florian Triangle vacating the mind and soul of this… well, _poor soul,_ in a singular wail of pure, undaunted emotion.

It drew everyone's attention, and even once it drew to a close Brook still sobbed for a few more minutes, though these sobs were distinctly joyful rather than agonized. I… honestly don't think that I could imagine how he was feeling, to learn that the entire reason he'd gone through fifty years of purgatorial torture was still there, still waiting for him, justifying the fact that he'd stayed alive.

Finally, he straightened, and despite the lack of clarity in his distinctly inflexible face, it was clear that he was smiling. He made to speak, but then glanced down at Merry, who was looking back at the galleon with a bittersweet grin.

"The old man had a change of heart. 'Popular vote', apparently," she said softly.

Brook looked back at the galleon, a sad fondness evident in his eye sockets. "…You've helped me stay alive for so long. But our struggle is over; you can rest now."

The galleon seemed to _literally_ sag with relief in the water, a tremulous groan shivering its aged timbers.

His task complete, Brook straightened what little of his suit was intact before digging his hand into his jacket and withdrawing a yellowed piece of paper, which he held up before himself with his fingertips, his other hand proudly gripping his collar. "Allow me to introduce myself in a proper manner befitting a gentleman. I stand before you now and as I am as a result of the Revive-Revive Fruit. But in my previous life, I was known as acting captain of the Rumbar Pirates, 'Humming' Brook, worth a bounty of ฿33 million. The greatest bond shared among the Rumbar Pirates, one and all, was a love, a _passion,_ for music in all its beautiful and wondrous forms. And, not to toot my own horn here—!"

 _BRAP!_

He chose that _exact_ moment to let a blast of gas _somehow_ escape his fleshless cheeks, eliciting eager smiles from half our crew and looks of dread and revulsion from the rest.

"—Excuse me, I snagged some beans during that party. But as I was saying, I do not believe it an exaggeration to claim that I was amongst the most, if not _the_ most talented musician amidst my many beloved friends. Now then, that all being said…"

While Luffy practically _vibrated_ with ill-concealed glee, Brook tilted his head to the side in a look of honest curiosity.

"I believe I heard some mention of an opening for a musician on your fine crew?"

"FINALLY!" Luffy whooped, throwing his arms up with a gleeful cackle.

"We got a skeleton~, We got a skeleton~!" Chopper, Usopp and Mikey sang as they spun 'round and round, hand in hand.

"A _delicious-looking_ skeleton…" Lassoo panted eagerly, slobber all but fountaining from his slack maw. The suddenly terrified skeleton shuddered and inched away from the mutt before freezing in confusion when he suddenly found a dugong latched around his leg.

"So, Cross said you're a swordsman, huh?" Leo asked, staring up at the skeleton with eyes full of desperation.

"Hmm? Oh, yes, of course," Brook said, adjusting the grip on his cane and pulling the blade within out by a few inches. "I believe the blade could benefit from a good sharpening, but my skills with it have not faded at all."

"THANK GOODNESS! I was going _crazy_ being _that—"_ He jabbed his flipper at a bored but somehow still-attentive Zoro. " _DEMON'S_ sole living _whetstone!_ Welcome to the grind, _bub!"_

Brook blinked in surprise before raising his cane in a salute. "I look forward to the chance to refine my skills, good sir!"

"Good for you, really… but still, while I have you, Brook?"

Brook turned his attention towards Nami, and promptly locked up on account of the sheer contrast between her beatific smile and the roiling thunderclouds that framed her.

"I just want you to know," she simpered very politely. "That I remember that little 'see your panties' comment earlier, and that every night I will be counting my underwear. If I find that so much as a _frill_ of my tighty-laceys has been disturbed—!"

"'Zap'?" Brook guessed weakly.

The Eisen Tempo promptly reverted to an angelic, complimentary white that only served to accent the falseness of her smile. "Now you get it!" Her eyes flicked slightly upward, and she frowned. "Also, the afro is bringing up some unpleasant memories for me, of a…" She shot a glare at an unapologetically whistling Boss. " _Manly_ nature. Any chance you could cut it down a—"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Brook exclaimed, startling Nami and everyone else. The skeleton gingerly ran a hand across his hair. "You see what I've become after dying; it took a year to find my way back to my body, and by that time everything that I once was had withered away. All except for my hair, thanks to the strong roots I have. It's the last evidence of my former life, my former appearance, and if I were to lose it as well…"

The skeleton clenched his fists. "If I lost my hair, Laboon would never recognize me. Until we meet again, I will not allow any harm to come to this afro!"

Nami lowered her staff with a soft sigh. "Alright, I'm sorry. No touching the hair."

Brook nodded gratefully, then rubbed the back of his skull. "Ah, but I believe I should mention… Cross, I believe? He seems to be aware, but I'm currently missing one other part of me that I need before we leave this cursed sea."

"And on that note!" I stated. "If you'll excuse me for a minute, I need to go and grab something real quick." With that, I rapped my fist on the mast and rode up to my radio room. I then moved to the desk, withdrew a piece of tightly-rolled paper that I had compiled before we met the Accinos, and returned to the deck before showing it to them.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this scroll contains the strategy I came up with for dealing with the antagonists of our next adventure. And now, in light of recent events…"

I tossed the scroll over my shoulder to where I knew Lassoo and Funkfreed were standing. And going by the _FWOOSH_ and _SHINK_ sounds that erupted a moment later, the plans had been disposed of as the trash they now were.

"Those plans," I chuckled. "Are now completely and _utterly_ obsolete."

Luffy was grinning eagerly, Brook was looking on in confusion, and everyone else was watching with varying degrees of eagerness and apprehension.

"So, now that that strategy is toast, here's the new one. Our first order of business is to go through introductions for our newest crew member, and of course, for me to tell him my secret. Once we've done that, so as to avoid me going against captain's orders, Brook is going to tell us everything he knows about our next destination. After all, it's not really spoilers if he's just elaborating on incomplete intel, hmm?"

Luffy tilted his head to the side, then shrugged in acceptance.

"Right. After he's done, I'm going to fill in the few crucial blanks remaining. And then, using all of that knowledge, we're going to make a plan for doing something that, up until now, not even I was bold enough to try."

I raised my head and showed off a grin that made several members of the crew swallow.

"We're gonna flip the script. Completely. _Utterly._ And when all is said and done…"

I widened my grin to sadistic levels.

"Vivi, I give you my solemn word: I will _proudly_ take responsibility for the Wandering Undead Island of Thriller Bark, or at least a goodly chunk of it, _being on fire."_

 **Cross-Brain AN: Whatever you thought we were planning for Thriller Bark? Rethink it; up until now, we've messed with canon but kept to the main lines. But this time? This time, we're changing everything.**


	53. Chapter 48 - Thriller Bark Pt 2

**Chapter 48**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Just for the record, here's a key for the transitions in this chapter, and all future chapters:**

 **-o- = Scene Change**

 **~o~ = Entering/Exiting Flashback**

Two hours of revelations, planning, and preparing later found us standing on the main deck of the Sunny, circled around the barrel we had picked up before we entered the Triangle. I looked around at the crew, my mouth turned up into a smirk. "So, who wants the honors?"

Several of the crew looked positively eager to crack it open; Luffy in particular looked to be a second away from ripping off the top. Then someone spoke.

"If I may?"

All eyes turned to Brook, his bony fingers clenched white-knuckled around his cane—not in fear, not with his expression, but in grim determination.

Even so…

"You sure about that, Brook?" I clarified. "I mean, the last time you did this—!"

"The first time I was presented with such a barrel," Brook interrupted me, his entire being devoid of emotion. "I went through a whirlwind of hope and despair that ultimately left me in a state _worse off_ than my first forty-five years in this hell of fog and terrors. And now, five years later, you present me with another such barrel. And now that I have it before me, in all that it implies…"

In a flash, he was looming over the barrel, his fleshless digits digging into the wood.

"Now I feel more than I have in the past fifty years _combined,"_ he all but growled out. "Hope is there, yes, burning bright, along with elation, rage, anticipation, even fear, but above all else? I feel _vindication._ Because now, after having been _violated_ so many years ago, after failing because of my own weakness, you have given me the opportunity I have _longed_ for. You have given me the opportunity to take it all back. To take back _everything_ that has been stolen from me…"

Brook _wrenched_ his arms up, ripping the top off the barrel.

"WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS!" he roared to the world.

Not even a second later, the flare held within was loosed and roared into the heavens, burning a gaping hole in the mist.

" _Alea jacta est…"_ Donny muttered grimly.

"Eh, that doesn't really make sense," Luffy said, digging his pinkie up his nostril. "'Cause we're not betting anything. We're going to _win."_

"…OK, I'd expect that kind of confidence from you," an unnerved Vivi said. "But _since when do you know_ _Latin?!"_

"Eh, that's all I know; I remember Benn saying that every time they played a dice game," Luffy said, still picking his nose.

"Shanks' first mate," I tossed out in response to everyone's confused looks, which got 'ah's of understanding. "Still, there's no denying it: you've gotten a lot smarter, Captain."

"Shishishi! Thanks!" Luffy grinned ear-to-ear before tilting his head to the side. "So, now we just… wait?"

"Not _that_ long, captain," Brook grimly answered, his cane briefly spinning before he grabbed the head and planted the tip in the ground. Brief nervous tic aside, he looked ready to go, thanks in no small part to Nami's surprisingly adept needlework restoring his once-tattered suit to its full glory. "Moriah is an insatiable demon. None are safe from his greed and gluttony; he will fall upon any new shadows that enter the Triangle with the utmost swiftness. Of _that,_ you can be completely certain."

And damn if Brook wasn't right. I suppose that if any credit were due to the Undead Island, it would be to their sharp awareness and strong work ethic. Because not even _fifteen minutes_ after we unleashed that artificial star, a shadow loomed on the horizon, steadily approaching us with the details slowly becoming more distinct in the haze.

I swallowed heavily as I watched the largest moving object I'd ever seen approach us. An uneasy feeling started to rumble in my stomach as our objective, our _opponent_ loomed over us, but I snapped my hands into trembling fists, and set my jaw in a scowl, burning determination reducing that fear to ash.

Any fear I held, it came from my knowledge of before. Before, Thriller Bark had been one of the closest near misses in Straw Hat history, their victory and their very lives coming down to the wire.

Before, the Straw Hats had stumbled into this hell of darkness and trickery without a clue to what awaited them. Before, the Mysterious Four had held all the cards and were able to run circles around the Straw Hats before they knew what was what.

But this… this _wasn't_ before. This was _now._

This was here and now, with a Straw Hat crew that included me and so many others. Now was a Straw Hat crew that was stronger than they'd ever been. Now was a Straw Hat crew that knew precisely what lay before them, in excruciating detail, and knew how to beat every trick, trump, and trap that Moriah and his cadre could send at them.

Now… now was a Straw Hat crew with a _plan._

 **~o~**

 **-Two Hours Earlier-**

After my dramatic announcement, we had proceeded with a brief round of introductions and explanations, including the explanation of how I knew all that I did. Brook took it rather well.

"Yohohohoho! That's one of the most outrageous stories I've ever heard!" Brook laughed. He then seemed to smile. "And it's one that I'm perfectly prepared to believe. I see that the rest of the crew believes you already, and you already know so much that you shouldn't. Besides, why should I doubt when I'm the living proof of how little the word 'impossible' applies in the Grand Line?"

"Good," I nodded. "That saves some time explaining things. Now, let's get down to business. Brook, start spilling your guts on Thriller Bark."

" **Oh, wait!"** Soundbite cackled, and I grinned alongside him as I pointed at the musician.

" _You don't have guts!"_ we chorused.

"YOHOHOHOHO! SKULL JOKE!" Brook cackled, clapping his hands.

"Skull joke!" echoed the Kiddy Trio and TDWS.

" _Really,_ Cross?" Nami groaned, slapping a hand to her forehead, a motion that most of the crew imitated, though I was gratified to see Robin hiding her giggling with her downturned hat.

"Oh, come off it, Nami! This?" I pointed at Brook. "This bony bastard's jokes are _golden._ You should try it sometime! No, wait, lemme guess." I smirked as I then pointed at her. "Over your dead body, right?"

"Right," Nami nodded in agreement. "Over my dead—!"

 _THWACK!_

"HOOF!" I wheezed around the cloud-fist that had rammed itself into my gut.

"You done?" she asked dryly, her foot tapping on the deck.

I raised a shaky thumbs-up. "Just about…"

"Good," Zoro said in a bored tone. "Now, can we get back to this Thriller Bark place?"

"Mrph…" I grunted as I righted myself. "Brook, all yours."

"Ah, yes, yes, of course," Brook nodded in agreement, adjusting his collar slightly before standing up straight. "I believe I should start with the most pressing issue at hand. As you'll recall, earlier when I joined the crew, I said that I could not yet leave the Florian Triangle. Trust me when I say that this decision is _not_ one I make of my own free will." His empty sockets somehow gained a far off, wistful look. "Oh… to but see the sun shining once more…"

He then shook his head with a scowl. "But. That is not possible. For you see, I am missing an intrinsic—!"

"Necessary," I informed a confused Luffy.

"—part of my being." He shot a glance at me. "Do you have a candle or—?"

"Funkfreed." I looked over at my sword. "Your blade is still pristine from when I polished it earlier today, right?"

"Uh…" the elephant-blade blinked in confusion. "Pretty much, yeah. Why?"

"Hang it behind Brook's head and you'll see."

"If… you say so?" Funkfreed complied, going half-and-half and positioning his nose above and behind Brook's skull, taking care to not touch his afro.

There was a moment of non-understanding from the crew, until Conis snapped her hands to her mouth in shock.

"B-Brook, you don't have a reflection!" she gasped.

The skeleton nodded solemnly, raising his cane up, inching out his blade and staring at the blank metal with sorrow. "Nor do I appear in any photographs taken of me. But both of these supernatural phenomena are mere _symptoms_ of my greater and far more deadly affliction. An affliction that can kill me as dead as dust, in spite of already being so dead for many years."

Nobody even tried to laugh at that.

Brook slammed his cane shut and looked up, slowly sweeping his gaze over the crew. "I have no _shadow."_

A ripple of shock and, more importantly, _confusion_ ran through the crew.

Brook sighed, crossed his arms behind his back, and started to pace across the lawn. "Allow me to start at the very beginning: As you all know by now, I've been trapped in the Florian Triangle for fifty years. The first forty-five of those were due to a broken rudder and lack of resources with which to fix it. But then, five years ago…" He raised a trembling fist before him. "I stumbled onto an island…"

And so his story went, telling us the highlights of his experience upon Thriller Bark: the nature of the walking dead that inhabited it, the mechanics of the Shadow-Shadow Fruit, including the consequences of sunlight without a shadow, his defeat at the hands of his _own_ shadow-possessed zombie…

When he finished, the mood of the crew was variable. Some were scared, some were revolted, a few were violently eager, and pretty much the whole _lot_ of them were livid. But I wanted to push things just a _wee_ bit further, and so I spoke up.

"Lemme give you all a little context about the wielder of the Shadow-Shadow Fruit," I announced. "The zombies on this island? All of them, every single one has a number somewhere on their body. A serial number, to keep track of when they were produced. Granted, not _all_ of the meat-puppet bodies are active at the same time, a lot are still in cold storage waiting for shadows, but the largest number I saw?" I scowled as I raised my left arm and pointed to my upper limb. "Was right here. And it read _900\. And!"_ I spoke up when a wave of shock and rage emanated from my friends. "Those are just the _Zombies._ There are still 100 more assorted shadows trapped on that island, including however many more I _didn't_ see from my admittedly limited perspective. So, in all? Over _one thousand people_ around the world don't have shadows. One thousand people haven't seen the sun in _years._ One thousand people… condemned to fear and darkness."

The waves of palpable outrage radiating from my friends was impressive, yes, but hell if I wasn't gonna try and top it.

"And it. Gets. _Worse,"_ I chuckled darkly.

And now, more _shock_ than actual anger.

" _How,"_ Vivi demanded incredulously.

"Simple." I crossed my arms behind my head in a faux-innocent gesture. "When the shadows were released in the story, we got a few flashes of their owners regaining them." My expression turned thunderous. "One of those owners was a maid. A _civilian_ maid."

I practically heard my blood _sing_ when I felt death itself appear before me again. Oh, yeah, _now_ they all wanted blood.

"Why," Boss snarled murderously, pulping his cigar between his 'fingers'. "Have the Marines not _terminated_ this bastard yet?"

"Because the user of the Shadow-Shadow Fruit is one Gekko Moriah." I let that sink in with those of us who were in the know before raising my finger to give that one last crumb. " _Once_ worth ฿320,000,000."

The penny dropped with everyone else, but it was Luffy who really got the message, his face darkening further as he slammed his fist into his palm.

" _Warlord,"_ he snarled.

"Mmhmm," I nodded solemnly. "Which makes the presence of even _Marine_ shadows in his repertoire all the more damning. Pirate, civilian, Government… it doesn't who you are or where you're from, Thriller Bark is an equal-opportunity _hellhole._ And the World Government is perfectly content to let him go about his business, so long as his _primary_ prey of choice is pirates." I swept my gaze over my friends. "Everyone nice and pissed off _now?"_

Luffy snorted menacingly in response. "We were pissed off enough when he only took one of our friends' shadows, Cross. Now?" Luffy reached over his back and _slammed_ his newly forged and thoroughly reinforced pipe on the deck. "Now we're gonna make that Gekko bastard _pay_."

" _Dearly,"_ concurred several of the crew.

I slowly nodded, smirking. "That's exactly what I wanted to hear. Alright, gimme a bit and I'll outline the new and improved plan of attack I've come up with, but while I'm doing that… Usopp, Sanji, Chopper?"

" _Prepare for sodium chloride warfare,"_ Chopper nodded as he plopped down on the grass and started digging a field-lab from his bag.

"Start making Salt Stars," Usopp muttered as he went off to fetch a mortar and pestle.

"Salt-filled lunches to go," Sanji conceded. "I don't approve of using food as a weapon, but if a riceball could literally mean the difference between life and death…" He shook his head with a smoke-filled sigh as he walked towards the pavilion. "Well, I suppose _someone'll_ be eating them either way."

I watched the sniper and cook walk away before a slight nudging at the side of my neck snagged my attention, and I glanced at my colleague, who had a cocked eyestalk.

" _Just… wondering, but_ _ **we are staying**_ **OUT OF THE ACTION** THIS TIME, _RIGHT?"_ Soundbite asked nervously.

I cocked my eyebrow at that. "What, you scared of a few zombies or something?"

" **Mere walking dead? Pshaw!** _ **NOT ON YOUR LIFE!"**_ Soundbite puffed out what little chest he had, then shrank in on himself. " _It's the salt that has me pissing my shell…"_

I started to open my mouth to reassure him, but then I shut it when I realized that the likes of _Luffy_ was going to be flinging the stuff around as well, so… "Okay, justifiable paranoia right there. I'll get you some protection."

" _ **Phew…"**_ Soundbite sighed in relief before eyeing me curiously. " **Still haven't answered** MY QUESTION, THOUGH."

At _that,_ I shot a smirk at the snail. "Well, where do you _think_ we'll be, hmm?"

That got a smile from Soundbite that was all teeth. " **RIGHT IN THE THICK** _ **OF IT!**_ _Just the way_ **I damn well like it!"**

I chuckled and held my fist up so that he could bump his eyes against my knuckles. "You damn well know it."

 **~o~**

Soundbite gave a low whistle, most likely deliberately reverberating the noise to play along with the miniature suit of custom-made medieval armor he was clad in, his eyes peeking through his slightly raised visor. "STILL READY TO _**get into the thick**_ _of it?"_

"Mrgrgh…" I grumbled beneath my breath in response as I watched our only escape route slide shut behind us.

To be perfectly honest? Up until we found ourselves looking at the island itself, I wasn't really worried at all. And it wasn't the island itself that changed that; we were strong enough and forearmed enough that I wasn't too worried. It wasn't the jaw-shaped gate that had just shut us off from the rest of the world, either; honestly, if you want to make a disembodied mouth intimidating, you don't give it square white teeth, you make them rotted or sharp, or at least add a few red stains.

No, no, the part that got me worrying?

It was when, mere seconds after entering the snare of Thriller Bark, one of our oldest and yet youngest crewmates suddenly dropped to her knees and clamped a hand over her mouth as she started dry-heaving.

"Merry!" I yelped, hastily running over and kneeling next to her and rubbing her coat-covered back. "Merry, what's wrong, what's—!?"

"Stillborn…"

"Eh?" I blinked in confusion. "Wha—?"

"This place…" Merry looked up with tears brimming in the corners of her eyes, her hand clamped firmly over her mouth. "It's… It's _stillborn…"_

"… _bastard."_

All eyes turned to look at Franky, who currently seemed to be doing his best impression of an angry Sanji, fire blazing in his eyes.

"It's not enough that he makes a mockery of life with all the people he curses and the zombies he makes," the cyborg snarled, his fists all but _groaning_ from how tightly they were clenched. "But he curses his own _ship, too?!"_

"Wh-What awe you tawking about?" Carue asked nervously.

"This place…" Merry groaned in response, shuddering and spasming. "It's not… not _really_ a ship. The spirits of ships… t-they're born of the love and care a-and compassion of their crews… b-but this… this…" She shook her head miserably. "It _started_ as a ship, i-it was supposed to be one, but… but once it was done, _no one_ showed it any love. No one cared, no one… no one's seen it as a ship. An island, a hell… _never_ a ship. And because of that, Thriller Bark… it… it…" Merry hunched over with, letting out another gut-rattling wretch.

"Marine Battleships and some pirate ships…" Franky ground out, glaring daggers at the Jolly Roger-spangled sail that loomed on high through the mists. "Their ships can be stunted through lack of care, because their crews only see them as vessels of war or transportation or whatever. It's sad, but it's a fact of life, and they're still seen as _ships_. But whenever a ship _this_ badly neglected ever came through Water 7…" Franky _literally_ snorted a stream of fire. "Iceburg and I had our differences… but between us, we made sure that the _bastards_ who did shit as heinous as this _never did it again."_

I frowned as I considered that. I had given thought to everything we'd do here except for the island itself; I thought we would just leave it abandoned as it was in the story. But with what Merry and Franky said…

"Alright, everyone, addendum to the plan: try to limit damage to the island proper and the parts that make it seaworthy, and we'll come up with something when the rest of this mess is over. But for the time being, they already know we're here. So, for starters…"

I clapped our brand-new musician on the back. "Brook, you're up."

"Gladly!" Brook nodded back before doffing his hat to the rest of the crew. "Well, my friends, I'm afraid I must be off! Fortune willing, we shall meet again on the other side! But for now!"

He leapt over the edge of the Sunny and, the moment he hit the top of the water, he shot off towards the dark island looming, blurred legs kicking up enough water for a motorboat and a cackle of "YOHOHOHOHOHOOO~!" trailing behind him.

I _tried_ to keep my cool in place as my newest friend disappeared into the distance, but I couldn't help but start gnawing on my metal-encased thumb, which was most likely why Luffy clapped his hand on my shoulder and stuck his carefree grin in my face.

"Mah, don't worry about it!" he chuckled, melting away my worries. "He's following your plan, remember? And it's a good plan! After all, you made it, right?"

I hesitated for a second before matching his smile and nodding right back. "Yeah… yeah, it _is_ a damn good plan."

 **~o~**

"Alright, everyone, first thing you all need to understand about Thriller Bark?" I stated. "It's that this place is run like a nightmare _funhouse._ All of their tactics, all of their members, all of the abilities that they bring to bear, they're _all_ intended to be used in subterfuge. Tricks, traps, illusions, the whole enchilada. Shadows are an integral part of Thriller Bark, and if we just run in guns blazing?" I slammed my fist into my palm. "This place _will_ shank us clean between our ribs when we're least expecting it."

The crew exchanged uneasy looks at that, but Boss drew attention to himself with a hard snort.

"We get it, this place is gonna be tricky as all get-out," he grumbled as he gnawed on his cigar. "So what're we gonna do about it?"

"Simple…" I patted myself down for a second before withdrawing a stray piece of scrap paper from my pocket and holding it up with both hands. "They want to fight smart, we're going to fight smart right _back._ We're going to enter through the front door, and while they _think_ we're falling for their tricks…" I tore the paper in half. "We're going to dismantle their entire operation, piece…" And then into quarters, "By piece," And then into eighths before casting aside the confetti. "Before they even have a _chance_ to realize what's going on."

Everyone started to nod in agreement, until I spoke up again.

"But!" I hastily snapped my finger up. "If we're going to do this right, then everything has to be _perfect._ No deviations, no getting sidetracked. I'll try making sure no one has a job they can't handle or at least has someone nearby who knows what they're doing, but even so…" I shook my head slowly. "Moriah may be the weakest of the Warlords, but he still has as much mastery of his Devil Fruit as Crocodile, and about as much tactical skill. As such, I cannot stress this enough: One slip up, one misstep, and this whole place will fall on us like a ton of _bricks._ Got it?"

"We've got it, Cross. We'll be as careful as we need to be," Sanji said, and similar sentiments came from the rest of the crew.

I looked Luffy dead in the eyes as I spoke again. "Captain, I'm going to plan things for your part in this the best way that I can. But I need you to try as hard as you can to follow through. You know how much is on the line here, and you remember what happened the last time you gave a Warlord an inch."

"…I still want to kick Moriah's ass," Luffy grumbled.

"You'll have your chance once he's run out of tricks to hide behind," I promised. Thankfully, that seemed to mollify Luffy, and he nodded.

"Alright, then. Now, we'll be starting with taking care of the only _living_ members of Thriller Bark's crew, the Mysterious Four, consisting of Moriah and his three subordinates. More specifically, we'll be taking care of the two that actually have Devil Fruits, and who are even close to combat ready. Brook."

"Hm?" the skeleton replied, cocking his head to the side.

"Your first job upon us reaching the island will be to bamboozle the Ghost Princess of Thriller Bark, Perona." I paused for a moment before allowing myself a snicker. "I _love_ the fact that I get the chance to use the word 'bamboozle'."

 _THWAP!_

"Focus on the task at hand, got it," I winced apologetically as Robin's hand disintegrated.

 **~o~**

" _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-ho~"_ Brook sang as he strolled through the woods, pausing slightly as he came upon a graveyard, promptly bounding clear into the center of it and raising his voice. " _Yo-hohoho, Yo-ho-ho-ho~"_

As if on cue, all the graves around him began trembling, and dead hands began to claw their way to freedom. Brook came to a halt in the middle of the cemetery, casting his gaze about as the earth shifted and roiled beneath his feet.

Suddenly, the soil _right_ beneath him split, and a half-rotted hand clamped down upon his shin, and a groaning zombie pulled itself up and out of the earth…

Before suddenly cutting itself off when it caught sight of the bleached white skull mere _inches_ from his face.

"Hello there, mister zombie," Brook hummed politely, tilting his head _ever_ so slightly to the side. "Remember me?"

What little blood the zombie still had in its head promptly shot out of it. "Oh, _shi—!"_

That was as far as the revenant got before Brook crammed his bony fingers down its throat, depositing a _tiiiny_ amount of salt in the zombie's stomach.

Still, that small amount of salt was enough to push _all_ of the shadow right out of the zombie's now _truly_ lifeless jaws.

Then, the second that his leg was freed, Brook _blurred_ around the graveyard, darting to and fro between the graves as the living dead tried to wrench themselves from the earth. By the time Brook came to a halt, all of the zombies were fully free, all standing at the ready…

But after a second, _half_ of them collapsed into true lifelessness, their shadows ripping themselves free of their jaws and soaring away beneath their comrade's horrified gazes.

The surviving zombies only had a _second_ to process what they'd just seen…

" _Ahem."_

Before a cough caused the embalming fluid in their veins to freeze. They jerkily turned their heads and stared in horror at the skeleton in their midst as he inspected his blade with the utmost casualness.

"I'm only," Brook mused offhandedly, "going to say this once."

He then glanced up from his blade at the zombies, his face a _mask_ of pure, uninhibited murder.

" _RUN."_

And just like that, the zombies began fleeing as fast as their enhanced bodies would allow, raising the alarm that the scourge of Thriller Bark from five years past had returned to exact his vengeance.

As they ran, the zombies received simultaneous encouragement to flee and discouragement in the usefulness of it, as every other second it seemed that one of their number or another suddenly fell flat as their tendons were shredded, giving them each only a few moments to scream in terror before they were silenced by their ill-gotten souls fleeing their body. More joined the fleeing chase as it progressed through the woods, but their numbers were cut down as quickly as they were built up.

Eventually, the stampede of the once-living disgorged into yet another graveyard opening, scrambling to get away as their recently awakened comrades clawed their way to freedom and joined in the chaos.

Fortunately for them, upon reaching the new graveyard, Brook cut off his pursuit in favor of leaping upon the nearest crypt and slashing his sword out in a grandiose manner. "Accursed zombies of Thriller Bark! I am the dreaded Humming Swordsman, returned from the mists after five long years! There will be no survivors! For I am here! I am here! But soon, you will not be here! The dreaded Humming Swordsman is here for your souls!"

' _I will have to ask Cross where he came up with that speech, it even sent shivers down_ my _spine! Oh, but I don't… no, I_ do _have a spine. Botched skull joke,'_ Brook reflected with a frown, even as the zombies cowered before him. Which was all well and good, but for his part of the plan to work, he still needed a—!

" _Horohorohoro~"_

Brook was silently grateful for the Negative Hollow that popped up from the stonework a foot in front of him. After all…

"GYAAAAAAH! GHOOOOOST!" he howled, flinching back and throwing his hands up in terror.

Now he didn't have to fake his shock.

The surrounding zombies all paused in their panic, exchanging shocked looks before staring up at their aggressor in confusion. "You're… afraid of ghosts?" one of them called up incredulously.

Brook exaggerated his panting and chest-clutching as he stared at the cartoonish spectre that was wagging its tongue at him. "Y-Y-Yes! Terrified! Deathly afraid, even—oh, but I'm already—Aheheh, getting off track, sorry. A-a-anyways, i-it was bad enough seeing just _zombies_ the l-l-last time I was here, b-but now—!" Brook kept up his act for a bit before breathing a heavy sigh of relief. "W-W-Well, I suppose it could be worse… t-t-that thing barely looks r-r-real! S-S-So long as I d-don't see a _human-looking_ g-g-ghost, I-I'll still be able to d-defeat you all, and reclaim my shadow!"

The zombies all slowly turned their heads to stare at one another, before slowly turning their heads back so that they could smile malevolently at the skeleton of their nightmares.

Brook immediately, though he actually already had a damned good idea of why they were all so chipper (for moving corpses, at any rate). "Whyyyy are you all staring at me like that?"

"Horohorohorohoro… I expect…"

Brook's spine went ramrod straight as an high-pitched voice chuckled echoingly behind him. He sloooowly turned on his heel…

And had to squash the surge of victory he felt when he came face to face with a pink-haired gothic Lolita who was _clearly_ floating upside down in the air.

Perona smirked victoriously, entirely unaware of Brook's own sentiments. "They're all smiling because of _me,"_ she crooned.

She then snapped her face forwards with a smile that was all teeth. " _BOO."_

" _GYAAAAAH!"_ Brook shot his hands in the air, shooting away from the Ghost Princess so fast that he actually left a _dust trail_ hanging in his wake.

Perona righted herself, cocking an eyebrow after the fleeing skeleton before casting an incredulous look at the zombies. "So, _that_ was the Humming Swordsman that's had you all shitting yourselves over skeletons for the past five years? Seriously!?"

"Hey, it's not our fault! He's really, really fast!" one of the zombies indignantly protested .

"Yeah!" another piped up. "Maybe if you hadn't slept through that shitshow five years ago, then we wouldn't be down a load a' zombies in the first place!"

"They're right!"

"Lazy princess!"

"Why dontcha do something useful?!"

Perona's head was bowed as the insults kept flowing out from the rapidly revolting (in both senses of the word) zombies, a vein throbbing on her forehead and her teeth grinding together…

"Yer not _that_ cute!"

Until _that_ particular comment caused her jaw to jerk to the side with a particularly sonorous _SNAP!_

" _ **SHUT IIIT!"**_ the suddenly gigantic Perona screeched at the zombies, cowing them all into submission while a few stray Negative Hollows put several down and out for good measure.

The Ghost Princess huffed and puffed as she _marginally_ came down from the high of her rage, and turned her nose up in a derisive sniff. "You damn uncute bastards… I was _going_ to have some fun chasing that sissy skeleton all over the woods, but _now?_ I think I'll leave him to _you_ clowns! Have fun sucking on salt, rot-for-brains!"

And with that, ignoring the panicked protests of her underlings, Perona turned to fly back to her room…

"…On second thought."

Only to spin around and see that the skeleton was back in the midst of the zombies, looking up at her with a blank face.

"You're actually too cute to be scary," he remarked.

Perona blinked, unsure how to react. On the one hand, she didn't like that he wasn't scared, but on the other hand, the compliment was nice even if he wasn't all that cu—

"Would you mind showing me your panties?"

All movement in the graveyard froze, the zombies staring at Brook in abject horror while Perona…

Perona's expression remained blank for all of ten seconds.

Then her eyes _slooowly_ rolled up into her head, and a pair of gigantic, orb-shaped hollows appeared hovering at her sides.

" _ **When you die this time…"**_ she hissed malevolently. " _ **There won't be enough left FOR YOU TO COME BACK TO!"**_ The last phrase was screeched furiously, emphasized by the Ghost Princess flinging her cackling Special Hollows at the skeleton.

Said skeleton then proceeded to do the smart thing and vacate the area, not even sparing enough time to purify the remaining zombies. The giant ghosts exploded near him, but the resulting smokescreen only helped him to duck and cover behind a tree, following which he tugged on his jacket and brought a pocket that held a snail close to his jaws.

"The princess is chasing phantoms," he quickly hissed out. "I had to improvise to keep her interested, but she won't be bothering you for awhile."

" _Roger roger,_ _ **buy all the time you can,"**_ came the response. He promptly resumed running with a not inconsiderate amount of real fear.

' _Even so,'_ he reflected, glancing over his shoulder at the pursuing Hollow-Woman. ' _Cross certainly earned his place as the tactician. Apart from the hiccup on her part, his plan is working perfectly so far!'_

 **~o~**

"Just to confirm…" Vivi started to raise her hand with a grim expression.

"No, Perona is _not_ a legitimate princess," I assured her. "That's just what she _likes_ to call herself."

Vivi heaved a sigh of relief, but it was wiped away by my own scowl. "But unfortunately, it's an apt epithet. Her power comes from the Hollow-Hollow Fruit, which is one of the most dangerous Devil Fruits I've ever seen. It lets the user create 'ghosts', or at least things very much like them. She has a few variations… but the most _dangerous_ are also her most commonplace: her Negative Hollows."

I shuddered fearfully. "If one of those dopey-looking bastards touches you, it'll rob you of all will to live. It only lasts a few minutes at most, sometimes just a few seconds, but considering how she can slam you with one while you're getting bumrushed by a horde of zombies…" I trailed off, the uneasy looks on everyone's faces indicated they got what I was getting at. "Yeah. And the worst part of all? _Nobody_ on the crew as we are now has any chance of beating her in a straight-up fight; the only thing that can protect you against the Negative Hollows…"

I turned a regretful look on Usopp. "Is being so pessimistic that they can't sink you any lower."

The sniper froze. "And… you've been boosting my confidence from the day you told us the truth," he breathed in horror.

I sighed again, massaging my face. "Yes, and I realize that the easy way out isn't an option because of that, but if you'd seen what I've seen, what _would_ have happened if I hadn't done everything that I possibly could?" I snorted as I jabbed my thumb downwards. "If I had let it happen anyway just so we'd still have a trump card against Perona, you wouldn't have let me within a half-mile of Sunny, and that's _not_ an exaggeration, meaning that that point is moot. Alright?"

I took in everyone's disconcerted expressions, many of them clearly wondering what could have possibly been that bad. But going off of the fact that a few members of the crew were bowing their heads or looking at me with resigned acceptance, they had figured out what the answer was.

I clapped my hands together to get their attention back. "Anyway, what's done is done, and we're getting off track. The Negative Hollows aren't even what I'm most worried about with Perona's abilities. No, the true threat…" I pointed at my eye. "Is her _remote viewing._ Perona can see through the eyes of her Hollows, and because they're intangible, she can make a lot of them, and her range is _freaking huge…_ " I moved my finger to point at Soundbite. "We have a voyeur on our hands to match _ours._ If we want to try and pull _any_ covert operations on Thriller Bark, our first order of business will be to disable Perona."

I tsk'd derisively as I started pacing, my hands folded behind my back. "An act easier said than done, unfortunately. Yet another tool in the Hollow-Hollow Fruit's varied arsenal is that of astral projection; she can leave her body as an intangible, invulnerable ghost herself, and go wherever she damn well chooses while leaving her _real_ body locked up in the depths of Thriller Bark. Basically, this means that we _can't_ touch it."

"So, if I have this right…" Conis started counting down on her fingers. "We can't hurt her, we can't counter her, can't even _touch_ her…"

"AHA!" Su barked, jabbing her paw at me with a grin. "But she _does_ leave her body, so that means we can still speak with her! You're going to distract her!"

"Or more specifically, _I_ will distract her, is that right?" Brook confirmed.

"More than that, Brook. You're going to go ashore ahead of us, garner as much attention as you can, and the _second_ you see a Hollow, you _cement_ her attention on you, so that she doesn't look anywhere else. How you do it is up to you, but if you want my advice? She's got something of a trickster-sadist streak in her. Play on that and let her think she can get a few screams out of you, and you'll have her undivided attention. After that…" I shrugged with a careless smirk. "It just comes down to two simple factors: keep ahead of her at all times and don't let the ghosts touch you."

"I believe I can manage, Cross," Brook nodded confidently. "Because as I'm sure you're aware, I can be very, _very_ fast."

I nodded proudly. "Glad to hear it. Now! The distraction of Thriller Bark's surveillance will be phase one of our plan. Phase two, the infiltration, will begin once we're certain they're in the blind. And for that part…" I held up a quartet of fingers. "The rest of us will be splitting into four teams."

 **~o~**

I took a calming breath as I prepared myself for what was coming before raising my voice so that everyone could hear. "Alright! Perona—and by extension, Thriller Bark—is blind! If we're going, then it's now or never! Everyone ready to rumble?"

"Let's go!" Luffy cheered eagerly.

"Thanks for the seat, Zoro," Chopper said gratefully.

"Mmph," the swordsman grunted, somehow managing to look dangerous despite having what resembled nothing so much as a reindeer plush on his lap.

"We're all good, Cross!" Franky said.

"And we're good here, too," I nodded in confirmation. I then proceeded to rap my fist against the wall. "Let's roll out!"

"You got it!" Merry announced from up top. "Alright everyone, brace yourselves, because we are doing this for the first time _ever!_ Deploying Soldier Dock System, Channels 1 and 2!"

I grinned eagerly as the chamber we were in slowly rotated to the left, the gate of the dock sliding open and exposing us to the light.

" **Oh, this is** _ **gonna be**_ **fuuun…"** Soundbite squealed.

"From Channel 1!" Merry boasted. "Our Covert Ops deployment vessel…"

There was a _jolt_ as the powered-launch apparatus Franky had installed in the SDS activated, and we were shot out of the berth like a cork from a bottle. The second our grinning white zodiac hit the water, I twisted the throttle and gunned its cola-powered engine so that we steered out and away from the Sunny.

"In homage to the Whitebeard Pirates, the Mini-Moby Motorboat!" Merry laughed from up top. Her laughter redoubled as a secondary clunk echoed from the opposite side of the Sunny. "And from Channel 2! Our Mass Troop Deployment vessel…"

There was an almighty _roar_ from behind the Sunny, and then our other faithful metal steed shot into view, barely even skimming over the waves, it was moving so fast. Large enough to fit nearly a dozen people and powered by an _impressive_ aircraft-grade propeller latched onto its back and piloted by Franky, the—

"Gator Glider!" Merry cheered eagerly.

—was nothing short of a lean, mean, speed machine. This description was only hammered home by how, even laden down with the vast majority of our crew, the vessel sped into the mists at a speed comparable to a non-Shaving Carue.

Once they were gone, I shot a final farewell salute at Merry before revving the Mini-Moby's motor and piloting my team towards the ghost island's shoreline. I slowed our speed when we actually hit the mists and started actually getting close to the island, and we came to a full halt once we bumped into the lip of the island's 'moat'.

And then, after taking a second to reassure my friends that the current would carry the Mini-Moby straight to the dock proper, we all jumped in.

It wasn't a small fall, that's for damn sure, and it was practically unclimbable from the bottom, but thanks to us _willingly_ jumping into the abyss, we were able to control our falls by sliding down the damp and mossy walls of the crevice.

In my honest opinion, our flawless landing at the bottom was _quite_ the feat of badassery.

I took a second to adjust the brim of my cap before glancing around at the rest of my team. "Alright, everyone good to go?"

Robin smiled confidently as she thumbed her Stetson up. "Of course."

Usopp was adjusting the collar of his cloak uncertainly as he glanced around, but ultimately he settled for plastering a shaky grin on his face as clamped one hand down on top of his new (and admittedly pretty cool) hat and used the other to shoot me a thumbs up. "Good to go!"

Conis beamed sunnily even as she tapped her knuckles against the barrel of the Burn Bazooka that was poking over her shoulder, alongside the rest of the armaments she was packing. "I didn't exactly choose to carry all of this to look pretty."

"We came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum!" Su announced with a flick of her tail. "And considering what that stuff does to my fur? I _hate_ bubblegum."

"All in all, Cross?" Lassoo leered malevolently as he shoved himself off my back and licked his chops in anticipation. "I'd say we're good to go. So, let's go already! I want to see some zombies _burn."_

I stiffened as I processed _that_ particular tidbit before shooting a look at my mutt. "Lassoo, I don't know how you've hung around Soundbite and I this long without picking up on this particular tidbit, but when it comes to zombies—!"

" _GRRR!"_

" _CANI-BLAST!"_ Lassoo howled, spinning around and vomiting up a pillar of flames that engulfed the 'poor' Cerberus Zombie that had just showed its head.

" _KAI!"/"KAI!"/"YIP!"_

I sighed as said Cerberus Zombie switched to writhing around on the ground, attempting to bat out the flames crawling over its necrotized hide.

"Heheh!" Lassoo scratched his paw under his nose proudly. "Fire is and always will be the best solution!"

"Noooot really…" I slapped a hand to my forehead with a sigh. "Because see, the thing is? While it might _think_ that it's feeling pain, it'll soon remember that it actually _doesn't."_

"Eh?" My dog-gun blinked up at me in confusion. "And what does that matter?"

" **It matters,"** Soundbite explained dryly. " _Because once it remembers, not only will_ _ **the zombie continue to chase us…"**_

The two-thirds Cerberus chose that exact moment to roll back onto its feet and resume its mismatched snarling, only _now_ it had flames burning all over and _within_ it as well.

" **BUT IT WILL DO SO** _ **WHILE STILL ON FIRE!"**_

"Ah…" Lassoo started backing away from his growling pyrrhic counterpart. "I… see your point."

"Glad to hear it," I sighed despondently, even as I prepared to run like a hellhound was on my heels. Oh, wait, _it was._ "So, are there any _other_ questions anyone would like to ask?"

"Uh, actually, I have one."

All attention turned to Usopp as he squinted at the cerberus. "That third head, the yellow one… is that a fox?"

My gut promptly dropped out from within me, the Cerberus briefly looking stricken before it started snarling and growling louder than ever.

I slowly turned my head to pin Usopp with a cyanide-deadly glare. "You. Dumb. _Fuck._ I _just_ went over this!"

"Aheheh…" The sniper backed away fearfully. "Sorry?"

"Apologize later," Conis sighed in defeat. "For now, unless I miss my guess—?"

" _ **ROOOAAAR!"**_ the immolating zombie howled in triplicate.

" _RUN LIKE HELL, DIPSHITS!"_ Su yelped.

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" I yelled back, turning on a dime and running like hellfire from the revenant canine.

"Sonnuva-sonnuva-sonnuva— _shit!"_ Lassoo yelped as he scrambled to keep up. "Of all the times for you to send that damn sword somewhere _else!_ And Soundbite, weren't you working on some brand new badass move or something!? Can't you just blow it to damn pieces!?"

" **Love to,** _can't!"_ Soundbite grimaced, his eyestalks pulling independent 180s. "TOO MANY _DIFFERENT_ _ **TYPES OF FLESH**_ **FOR ME TO GET** _ **a common frequency!**_ **I'D ONLY BE ABLE TO BLAST A** _ **bit of the damn**_ THING!"

"Is it just me, or has your Awakened Devil Fruit not been of any help at all since we left Enies Lobby?" Su snapped.

"… _I CAN_ **still use** _ **GASTRO-PHONY at a distance.**_ HOW WOULD YOU LIKE **THE BISCUIT TREATMENT?!"** Soundbite snapped. Conis and Su reacted only in confusion, but everyone else winced, and then I turned a glare on the snail.

"And you aren't doing _that_ to the hellhound… _why,_ exactly!?" I demanded.

"… _PLEASE HOLD,"_ Soundbite whistled to the side.

Before I could rip a chunk out of the snail's hide—or shell, as it were—the pursuing Cerberus suddenly stumbled in its pursuit, hacking and wheezing. It spent a few seconds like that before all three heads swung into one another and they resumed the pursuit, angrier than ever.

Soundbite blinked in honest shock. " **Sonnuva bitch,** _ **SCARFACE BACK THERE**_ _JUST KNOCKED ITS_ _ **hearing out of commission!"**_

I blinked in surprise before refocusing on my running for my life. "I will admit, I probably should have seen that coming." I glanced around, looking for something that I could use to fend off the mutts. Putting them down for good could send out the alert too soon, meaning we had to find some way to escape before—

I smirked as I saw an upcoming tree, and moved a hand to my belt. "That'll work," I muttered, shooting the grappling hook and locking it around the tree branch. "Everyone, after me!"

As Lassoo secured himself on my back, I pulled the cord, reeling myself in and onto the branch as Usopp mirrored me with his own belt and Robin provided makeshift ropes for everyone else. Within seconds, we were safe in the boughs of the perfectly normal (a metal heel to the closest thing I could find resembling an eye confirmed it) tree, with the cerberus zombie circling angrily below. Ultimately, however, it snorted acridly before turning its back and padding away, presumably to either return to its den or to find someone to put it out, leaving behind a stench of burned fur. Eurgh.

Once we all hopped down and dusted ourselves off, I _started_ to speak, but Soundbite snickering to himself grabbed my attention. "Care to share?"

" _N-No no,_ NOTHING! **Y-You just do** _ **whatever!"**_ he managed to choke out through his giggling.

I cocked my eyebrow in blatant disbelief. "If… you say so…" I then shrugged the matter off in favor of properly addressing everyone else, starting by gesturing at the woods around us (once I was sure that Soundbite was properly Scrambling us, anyways). "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the haunted woods of Thriller Bark. They're dark, damp, fog-ridden… and absolutely packed to the gills with the living dead."

"An absolutely _charming_ locale," Robin hummed with… _way_ too much honest sincerity for comfort.

"One I _really_ wanna get out of as fast as possible…" Usopp gulped as he strangled the staff of Kabuto. "Which way out of here?"

"Soundbite?"

"ROAD'S _**thattaway!"**_ Soundbite indicated with his eyestalks.

"Thanks," I nodded gratefully as I started walking in the direction he indicated. "C'mon, _gang!"_ I promptly dug my heels in in shock as I registered just what I'd just said. "What just came out of my mouth!?"

" _Heeheehee…"_ Soundbite snickered.

"Sounds like Soundbite's having some fun at your expense!" Lassoo raised his paw to his mouth and chuckled. " _Reeheehee—_ eh!?"

I shot Soundbite a flat look as Lassoo clamped his muzzle shut. "Okay, once is you messing around, twice is a trend. What's the con?"

Soundbite opened his mouth to reply, but before he could say anything a flock of bats shot out of the trees, screeching and flapping. All of us tensed as they flew by—except Usopp, who let out a shriek and practically Shaved into Conis' arms, clutching her neck and shoulders like a life preserver.

Conis blinked at our sniper in surprise. "Uh…?"

"Drop him," Su deadpanned, prompting Conis to do so and unceremoniously drop to Usopp the ground.

"WOW, I DIDN'T EVEN _plan that,_ **but it** _**still worked out PERFECTLY!"**_ Soundbite snickered.

"OK, seriously?" I deadpanned, casting a sidelong glare at the snail. "Why are you—"

"HAVE YOU REALLY _**not noticed**_ **our group?!"** Soundbite outright cackled.

I glanced around in confusion for a second before 'ah'ing and realization and pointing everyone out one by one.

"Male Coward—"

"Hey!" Usopp squawked indignantly.

"Female Beauty—"

"Uh… thank you?" Conis leaned away from me with a slightly uncertain look.

"Female Brainiac—"

Robin chuckled, though she was looking at me curiously.

"Male leader…" I pointed at myself before slowly looking down at an incredulous Lassoo. "…and a talking dog," I finished, disbelief evident in my voice. "Sonnuva bitch we're freaking Mystery Incorporated, One Piece Edition."

"HAHAHA! YES!" Soundbite howled maniacally. " _ **And cue tree-assault in THREE, TWO—!"**_

"…meh."

" _HOOHOO_ — **COME AGAIN!?"** Soundbite squawked incredulously.

"You heard me, meh," I said dismissively. "This isn't the universe playing merry hell with my sanity; it's me unintentionally making something happen. And honestly? It's actually a little funny."

Soundbite blinked a few times. Then he looked up at nothing. " _You gonna_ _ **take that**_ **lying down?"** he asked.

A second or so later, a branch spontaneously snapped above me, clattering to the ground so that it was leaning against my torso, shoving its smaller branches at Soundbite's face. Said snail had snapped into his shell, and upon poking his eyestalks back out, looked for a moment, and then narrowed them.

I, however, couldn't help but snicker, given the fact that the branches directly in front of Soundbite's face were suspiciously arranged into what very much resembled a fist with the middle finger raised. "Looks like there's a fine line between driving me crazy and taking orders from a snail."

" _Well,_ _ **screw you too,"**_ the snail grumbled.

"Okay, watch it," I chuckled as I started walking towards the road. "Honestly, last thing I need is _another_ close encounter of the electric kind, got it?"

" **GURK!"** Soundbite thankfully decided to shut himself up as he shot back into his shell, his eyes poking out and glancing at the sky fearfully, before he suddenly tensed up. " **Uh, Cross? I'm not** _the only one who should be_ LOOKING UP."

"Eh?" I glanced at him in confusion. "What are you—?"

"Well, isn't this quite the development?"

"GAH!" I jerked backwards and fell on my ass in shock, flinching on account of the _freaking vampire bastard_ that had just dropped out of the branches and who was hanging upside down before me. "For the love of—! We already have someone on our crew who gets her kicks doing that, we don't need anyone else!"

"I'm inclined to agree with our… _dubiously_ beloved tactician," Robin chuckled as she and my friends stepped up beside me, she herself helping me to my feet as they stared up at the squat bat-winged zombie.

"My humblest apologies," the vamp-zombie simpered through his ever-present grin. "My name is Hildon. I am something of the majordomo around these parts. It is an honor to welcome you to our humble horrifying home of Thriller Bark, Straw Hat Pirates."

I took a brief moment to appreciate nobody in our current group having the stupidity to ask how he knew who we were before responding. "Well, that's more warm a welcome than I was expecting," I remarked. "Can't really say I'm surprised you recognize us, though. Fans, huh? Or did you just get our wanted posters?"

"Oh, you've acquired a poster of your own, have you?" Hildon perked up—or down, as it were—eagerly. "How riveting! No, we were completely unaware of that! The News Coos haven't been coming around lately, for some reason. Really…" He tilted his head to the side with a sigh. "It's quite vexing, if I'm being honest. What have we ever done to them?"

Coming to a likely conclusion, I sent a silent word of thanks to Coo before refocusing on the zombie as he continued.

"But anyways, yes! Fans!" Hildon nodded eagerly before tilting his head with a despondent frown. "Up until recently, anyways…"

"Recently?" Conis questioned curiously.

"Ah, well, you see…" Hildon crossed his arms over his chest and bowed his head despondently. "Our domicile is _quite_ isolated, you see, and we're quite interconnected around here, so we've only ever had or _needed_ a single Transponder Snail. But a few weeks back…" He spread his wings in dismay. "We were attacked!"

Conis, Su, and Usopp exchanged glances as they heard that, while I blinked in comprehension. A glance at Robin and Soundbite showed that they had come to the same conclusion, and I looked back at Hildon with a well-schooled expression of curiosity. "And… these attackers stole your Transponder Snail?"

"HA! If that were _all_ that they did, we'd probably have just laughed it off, but no such luck! You see, a few weeks back, two different pirate crews joined in an alliance and, without _any_ provocation whatsoever—!"

I only just managed to keep from coughing out a not-so-subtle 'bullshit'.

"—attacked the island without an inkling of remorse or hesitation!" Hildon swung his arm over his eyes in despair. "We didn't do a darned thing to them, and yet they started tearing our humble abode apart at the seams! Even going so far as to steal our only connection to the outside world! Oh, woe is us, _woe_ says I!"

I rolled my eyes at the ham-tastic performance, but stayed silent.

Eventually, Hildon quit his fake blubbering and wiped the non-existent tears from his eyes, grinning widely. "Ah, but now you're here, and you can regale us with marvelous tales of your adventures in person! If you'd be so inclined, anyways."

Now _that_ actually snagged my attention, and Robin's as well if her glance at me was anything to go by. "To confirm, when you say 'us'…?"

Without any warning, Hildon dropped from the canopy and flipped around to land on his feet. He then shoved his thumbs in his mouth, blew out a harsh whistle…

And with a clatter of hooves and grinding of wheels, an old-fashioned but well-designed horse-drawn carriage came rolling towards us, drawn by two things that were definitely _not_ traditional horsemen. Seriously, what the _fuck_ was sewn onto that second horse's neck!?

"By 'us'," Hildon chuckled in what I bet was meant to be an inviting tone. "I mean the master of the glorious manor where I serve. I refer to the illustrious home of the world's greatest medical mind…" His fangs glinted in the lantern-light. "Doctor Hogback."

"Yeah, because _that's_ not suspicious at all," Lassoo muttered beneath his breath, before jumping with a yip of pain, presumably on account of a hand that was rapidly disintegrating from where it'd sprouted on his backside.

"Lead the way," Robin invited with all the casual ease someone who had the epithet 'Devil Child' should have.

Credit to Hildon, he didn't even twitch, though I suppose already being _dead_ might have had something to do with it. "Please, allow me," he offered politely, swinging the carriage's door open and gesturing for us to step inside.

I climbed in with a nod of thanks and took a seat by the window, and I couldn't help but share a victorious grin with Robin as she sat next to me.

I wasn't foolish enough to think that everything would certainly be smooth sailing from here, but damn if it didn't feel good for my plan to be going right so far.

 **~o~**

"Alright, here's how things are going to hash out," I said as I held up a single finger. "Team 1, a.k.a. 'Gatecrasher', will be the ones who walk in the front door, pretending to fall for the island's tricks, and when we get deep enough into the heart of it, sabotage. That team will consist of Conis, Su, Robin, Usopp, Lassoo, Soundbite, and myself. And before you say anything, Funkfreed," I added, holding up a reassuring hand to the elephant, "the only reason I won't have you with me is that I have something special in mind for you. You won't be acting as a sword, but you will _definitely_ be right in the thick of the action."

"Works for me!" the elephant saluted with his trunk.

"Incidentally, Cross, I'm curious about something," Brook interjected. "One weapon that merged with a Zoan Devil Fruit is interesting, but two seems to be a pattern, and considering your secret… are you making a habit of collecting them?"

I blinked as the weapons in question looked at me in askance, and I shrugged. "Not intentionally, shit just lines up like that. Though I _am_ happy with the results. And they were the only two Zoan weapons I can remember, so—" I frowned as a certain monstrous slime salamander came to mind. "…Strike that, there was one other, but 'weapon' doesn't begin to describe it, and I'm pretty certain that even 'properly sapient' is a stretch. Aaaand that's a long way off besides… Anyway, as I was saying, I don't think I _can_ make a habit of it, so no."

Brook nodded, and I shifted back to what I was saying before. "Anyway, getting back on topic… First of all, Merry, now's the time to forego surprise in favor of strategy; what have we got in the Soldier Dock System?"

A slight air of disappointment brushed across Merry's face, but it was only for a second before she withdrew a pair of blueprints from her coat and laid them out. "Channel 1 is the Mini-Moby Motorboat, designed for covert ops or shopping trips. Carrying capacity is five fully grown humans plus baggage. And Channel 2 is the Gator Glider airboat. The giant fan engine sacrifices subtlety for speed, but it's big enough to load eight fully grown humans plus baggage."

"Perfect. Team 1 will take the Mini-Moby, then; we'll be heading for the island's moat and meeting up with their scout, which should lead us straight to the mansion in the middle of the island that the Mysterious Four use as their base. And once we're there…"

I slowly turned to look at our doctor. "Chopper, I'm going to guess that you can tell us all about one Doctor Hogback, right?"

"Doctor Hogback!?" our doctor squealed ecstatically, stars practically sparkling in his eyes. "Of course I can! He's the Vegapunk of medical science, the absolute most brilliant surgeon the whole world over! He's saved countless lives that many others thought to be completely forfeit! A bonafide genius without par, admired by all doctors bar none! But…" Chopper tilted his head to the side curiously. "One day he just disappeared, without any warning whatsoever. People have been wondering where he's been for years… unless…"

Chopper gasped deeply, and I felt a brief flare of hope in my chest… only for a renewed round of sparkling to dash my hopes to nothing. "Do you know where Doctor Hogback is, Cross? Can I meet him, can I, can I?"

"Ah…" I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably, looking anywhere but at those too-innocent eyes of his. Going by the way that everyone else—even _Luffy_ —was exchanging uneasy looks, they'd put the pieces together, too. Unfortunately, none of the traitors decided to relieve me of the burden of breaking our poor reindeer's heart.

"Chopper… you remember that the Shadow-Shadow fruit works by animating cadavers with stolen shadows, right?" I asked quietly.

"Uh…" The sparkle died in Chopper's eyes in favor of confusion as he slowly nodded. "Yeah? Why, what does that matter?"

"It matters…" I dragged the words out painfully. "Because while the shadows can animate the bodies, they still need said bodies to actually _work._ They need working joints, connected tendons… basically, they need bodies that are dead, but in proper physical condition nonetheless."

Chopper frowned in confusion. "But… dead bodies decompose. They'd be unsuitable for… for anything!"

"Unless…" I sighed despondently, resigning myself to what I was about to do. "The person my team is targeting were to fix them up; retrofit them with new bones, new muscles, new _everything…_ until they were better in death than they ever were in life."

Chopper 'ah'd and started to nod in agreement before his entire body froze, horrified realization obvious in his eyes. There was a tense silence as he just… stared at me.

"…you're—" he whispered softly, struggling to finish his sentence.

"Wrong?" I asked back, just as softly. "How? Lying? Why?"

Chopper's jaw silently opened and shut, until he swallowed heavily. "…why?" he parroted with a croak.

I grimaced at what I was about to say. "Hogback… was proud of his skills as a surgeon, but he was only ever in it for money. All the patients who came to him for his miraculous skills, he just saw them as annoyances, and looked down on any doctors who actually enjoyed helping others. Moriah… he got him onboard by letting him resurrect a dead actress that he had a crush on. That civilian maid who lost her shadow… _she's_ the one who has it. She's his…" I _tried_ to find a term that didn't sound utterly horrible, but… "Let's go with 'personal assistant'."

Silence fell for a full minute as Chopper bowed his head, his body shuddering and shivering uncontrollably. Then, without warning, Chopper raised his head and I recoiled at the glowing cyan _pits_ that his eyes had become.

" **Calm down, Cross, I'm in full control this time,"** Chopper stated, though his tone made everyone shiver. " **I should thank you, actually. After all, you've just shown me what's needed to tame the irrational part of my genius:** _ **focusing the entirety of my psychosis on a singular target."**_

"Is… that so…" Merry got out uncomfortably.

" **Hogback…"** Chopper muttered like a reindeer possessed, apparently ignoring us. " **I looked up to him… I** _ **respected him…**_ _**I**_ **admired** _ **him…"**_ Chopper's hooves clenched and his eyes blazed with unholy fury. " _ **AND I WANT**_ **TEN MINUTES** _ **ALONE WITH HIM."**_

I shuddered slightly at the pure murder in his voice, but I managed to steel my nerve enough to respond. "You'll get as long as you want, Chopper," I assured him. "Exact whatever pounds of flesh you want. Just let my team grab him and get him to spill his guts to the world first. He's the weakest of the Mysterious Four, but he still has all the knowledge of the godforsaken place in his head. So long as I can get him talking to the world, then they'll _all_ be screwed to hell and back. After that, his fat ass is _all_ yours. That sound good to you?"

Chopper kept trembling for a bit, his nostrils flaring with snorts of impotent rage, and then he slumped forwards with a defeated sigh, the shadows seeming to melt away from his face and leaving him just looking… _drained._

The Zoan-reindeer took a few more calming breaths before looking up, his eyes pleading. "Cross… I-I just… I have to know. Did he… ever really succeed in resurrecting the dead? Was it all… just a lie?"

I slowly closed my eyes as I recalled a specific moment in the arc.

"…In the final showdown against him, you appealed to Cindry, trying to stir her memories. Logic says it shouldn't have worked, that there should have been nothing and nobody in her, but…" A wistful smile crossed my face. "For an instant… her heart beat again. She smiled like she did a thousand times before when she was alive, like she'd never done in death… and she found _peace."_

I stared off at nothing for a second before morosely focusing on Chopper. "Maybe there is a way to permanently fend off the Reaper, Chopper, maybe there is—!"

"But that's not it," he ground out immediately, his gaze as cold as steel. "What you described… that's not true life. It's not _medicine._ I'll keep looking for the solution the right way."

I nodded with some relief, and turned to regard the rest of the crew. "Anyway, the short version is that Team 1 will be responsible for meeting Hogback, capturing him, interrogating him, and then putting him out of commission so that he can't assume control of the zombies. Any objections?"

None were forthcoming.

"Perfect. Now, moving on to Team 2…" I grimaced uncomfortably. "Your task will be both more dangerous and more difficult."

 **~o~**

"Well, _this_ is certainly a hospitable welcome," Su deadpanned as she sat in the carriage's empty driver seat, staring at the equally vacant spot where the 'horses' had been.

"Mrgh, it's certainly standard fare for these parts…" I scratched my chin thoughtfully as I eyeballed the gate standing between us and the impressively large manor that stood in the distance. "Though… I don't get _why_ he pulled it. I could have _sworn_ that he only did it in the story because Nami, Chopper and, well…" I nodded at Usopp, who responded with a flat leer. "All chickened out because of that sideshow we rode by earlier."

"Now that doesn't make much sense," Robin hummed to herself. "After all, I didn't think that those zombies we saw earlier were all that frightening. Why, I'd even say they were quite cute."

"Um, Robin?" Conis scratched the back of her head with an uncomfortable grin. "Please don't take this the wrong way, but… that's because your mind is a very dark, scary, and wrong place. No offense."

Robin blinked at her in honest confusion. "Why would I take offense from that?"

A sweatdrop hung from Conis' brow. "Very, _very_ wrong."

"Personally?" Lassoo panted as he licked his chops unabashedly. "All those aged meats just made me hungry."

"You're just wrong in _so_ many ways, full-stop," Su stated flatly.

"If we could get back on topic please?" Usopp whimpered fearfully.

" _It's Cross's fault!"_ Soundbite sang.

"Blow it out your shell," I deadpanned.

" **Actually,** _ **I'M NOT KIDDING!"**_ my snail leered impishly. "HILDY FLEW OFF _cackling to himself over making_ _ **Jeremiah Cross piss his pants**_ **IN TERROR!"**

"…oh," I chuckled apologetically. "Ah… whoops? W-Well, if that's all the flighty bastard wants, then I say we get out of here fast, before—!"

 _CRACK!_

We all stiffened fearfully as the sound of the earth splitting open rang out like shattered glass, punctuated by a faint but slowly rising groaning.

"… _crap,"_ Usopp whimpered fearfully, leading us all in slowly turning to face the source of the unholy noise.

There was a second or two of stillness as the ground cracked and shuddered, but before long, with a singular heave of movement, I got my first look at the living dead.

My first reaction upon seeing the zombies was to flinch away. Not in terror, mind you; their overall demeanor and superior numbers were rather concerning, sure, but my prior knowledge meant they weren't _that_ scary. Rather, it was on account of a situation much similar to the first (and only, thus far) time I met a fishman: The dark and dismal devil lay in the unshown details.

And the detail of _this_ day was that while Hogback was good, rotting flesh was still _rotting._ I hadn't seen it before in the horsemen or the denizens of the woods because of the fog and gloom being thicker there, but now? What I was being confronted with wasn't an array of the undead you'd find in normal anime or cartoons, but rather a full-blown horde that had just clawed its way off of the set of _The Walking Dead!_ Missing tracts of skin and flesh, distorted and gaunt features, discolored musculature… and those were just the ones who still looked human. Others just looked… _mismatched;_ too-large limbs, too-small heads, and everything in between.

And there was an _army_ of these things on the island, with these guys the absolute _least_ of their ranks?! I woefully resigned myself to the fact that we were in for a _loooong_ day… Or night, I guess? Ergh, the sooner we got out of this damn fog…

Robin and Conis both snapped into ready positions, Robin crossing her arms and Conis grabbing at the grip of her Blaze Bazooka, only to pause uncertainly. "Ah…" they chorused.

"Yeah, not much we can do against an _army of the undead!"_ I snapped. "Right now, there's only one thing we _can_ do!"

"YEAH!" Soundbite cackled. " _And you know what_ **that is?!"**

"Run like hell!?" Usopp choked in terror.

"Ye—!" I started to concur.

" _ **NOPE!"**_ Soundbite cut me off with a roar of laughter. " **ROCK LIKE HECK!"**

"Wait, wha—?" I stiffened as realization hit me upside the head with a crowbar. "Oh, _nonono—!"_

I _tried_ to dissuade the little shit, I really, really did, but barely a second later all anyone or I could do was flinch and pause at the sound of wolves howling in the distance. Wolves that were almost immediately accompanied by a _very_ familiar synth riff.

" _IT'S CLOSE TO MIIIIIDNIGHT_

 _SOMETHING EVIL'S LURKING IN THE DARK!"_

"Oi vey…" I slapped a hand to my face with a groan. "Soundbite, your taste is _officially_ deader than disco."

"WAIT UNTIL I _Rick Roll_ **your wake!"** Soundbite chortled without missing so much as a single riff.

"Another off-color reference, I take it?" Robin asked dryly as she warily eyed the yet-paused horde of the undead.

"Eh…" I wavered my hand in a non-committal manner. "Not so much 'off-color' as 'supremely cheesy'…" I pegged my snail with a glare. "And also _at the worst possible time."_

" _ **If not now,**_ **THEN FREAKING WHEN!?"** Soundbite sniffed.

"Preferably at some point when I'm far, _far_ away from here and we're _not_ all in danger of being torn apart!" Usopp snapped irritably.

" _ **NYEH!"**_ Soundbite responded by sticking his tongue out in a _veeeery_ mature manner.

"Ugh," I rolled my eyes in… more exasperation than disgust, really. It wasn't like this was _that_ bad in the grand scheme of things. "Well, at least you've somehow managed to baffle the zombies with your bullshit. Once they snap out of it, though—!"

"Ah… Cross?"

"Hm?" I glanced at Su curiously.

"I… don't think that that's going to be much of a problem," she stated.

"What are… you…?" I trailed off as I looked back at the zombies.

" _YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES_

 _AND HOPE THAT THIS IS JUST IMAGINATION!"_

I… _really_ didn't want to believe what my eyes were telling me at the moment, but it wasn't like I really had a choice: I couldn't even begin to deny that the cadavers seemed to be all but sniffing the air as the song built to a crescendo.

' _Could they?'_ I wondered. ' _Nah, they can't be._ That _would be too much. It's just not—!'_

"What are they doing?" Lassoo asked as the zombies started to move.

"They appear to be… getting into positions…" Conis summarized weakly.

And indeed, it appeared like the zombies were indeed shuffling around, slowly starting to form ranks… and… assemble into a triangle _oh you have_ _got to be kidding me._

" _DARKNESS FALLS ACROSS THE LAND_

 _THE MIDNIGHT HOUR IS CLOSE AT HAND!"_

"Uh… Should we be worried?" Robin asked me quietly as the zombies all stared silently at us.

" _Eeeheeheeheeeeee!"_ Soundbite giggled eagerly, clearly relishing in how what had started out as a mere off-color reference was spiraling beyond anything he could have predicted.

I _wanted_ to respond in a more coherent manner, but the song switching up to _Vincent-freaking-Price_ had killed any chance of that _._ After all, that meant…

Yup. The instant the voiceover ended (and good God having Vincent Price doing a voiceover for real life was absolutely _chilling_ ), the synth picked up again and the zombies began marching in step with the beat, twitching their heads to their right. Then they swung their arms out, shifting to the side and outright _headbanging_ , their legs showing far more dexterity than they really should have. And _then_ they started shuffling and swaying and stepping _towards us_.

It was right as they did a _jumping jack_ and a slide move when Soundbite began cackling at a level that Price himself would have been proud of. "THIS. IS. _**PERFECT!**_ **HAHAHA! BETTER THAN** _ **I could have ever possibly conceived!**_ _Ohhh, I love-love-LOVE_ **the Grand Line!"**

I felt my hands and legs twitch as the zombies did the classic claw-handed sway. "It certainly is a… _unique_ location."

"I gotta admit," Su whistled with no small amount of awe. "For a bunch of stiffs missing half their asses, these guys can shake what little they have left."

"It's like a Sea King attack…" Usopp muttered as he stared through his fingers. "So horrifying… but you can't look away."

" _ **For the record, if you need a**_ _solid surface?"_ Soundbite whistled in faux innocence. "THE CARRIAGE IS _EVER-READY FOR YOUR SKULL!"_

I was still for a moment as I watched the still-boogying zombies before slowly turning my head to direct a blank stare at my partner. "And… why would I want to do that?" I asked flatly.

"… **eh?"** the snail blinked in confusion.

"Well, c'mon, like I said earlier: it's not the universe screwing with me, just you," I stated in a still-casual manner. "These zombies dancing? I kinda remember them doing this in the story, and them knowing this song and dance… is actually quite humorous. Awe-inspiring even."

"That's all well and good, Cross," Robin muttered subtly as she kept an eye on the display. "But if they're distracted, shouldn't we be going?"

I slowly turned my blank stare on her. "Why?" I asked, my tone still under lock and key. "They're not doing anything harmful, and giving the others more time to get in position only helps us."

"I… see…" she nodded hesitantly. "So… we're just going to stand here and watch these… meat-puppets dance?"

"Well," I jerked my head to the side. " _You're_ going to watch them dance. I am going to be doing… something else."

Robin blinked in surprise. "And… that would be…?"

"Robin," I said as I started to work my arms out of my jacket and fold it up, placing a more-and-more eager Soundbite on top of the bundle. "We are currently in the presence of real live zombies dancing to the song 'Thriller' by Michael Jackson. This performance is one of the most iconic performances in my world, even though it was first performed nearly thirty years ago. There is only one thing I _can_ do in this situation."

I shoved my jacket and partner into her arms. "Hold my snail."

As the zombies stomped around to face away from us, I joined in, moving in tandem.

"FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT!" I belted out as me and the mass of zombies stomped back. Right after the "EIGHT!" I whirled around, the entire crowd following me. And there it was.

"'CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER!

THRILLER NIGHT!"

It's amazing how easy it was to lead a pack of zombies in a professionally made dance routine. The zombies knew what they were doing, obviously, but I'd never done anything like this before, and to pull them off flawlessly?

Okay, not flawlessly. I got my feet tangled up once or twice on slide shuffles, and the spins always left me a bit disoriented afterward, but I was doing way better than I had any right to. But I had two things working in my favor. As I said, the zombies knew what they were doing, and if I got lost I could quickly catch up. More importantly, though? That song. _That song._

" _YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE INSIDE A_

 _KILLER_

 _THRILLER_

 _AH!"_

All I needed to do was let the song take over. That's all. Somehow, my body knew what moves to make. The mistakes I mentioned earlier were mistakes of execution, not of ignorance. King of fucking Pop indeed.

Finally, one last spin after another stomp backwards put me facing back towards my team, somewhat hunched over, one arm held in front of me and the zombies crouched all around. At that point, there was really only one thing to say.

"EAT YOUR HEART OUT, JACKSON!" I belted out.

The original repetitive synth riffs sounded out again, Vincent Price doing his trademark evil laugh in the background, and I was all set to shuffle forward, crowd of zombies at my back and wide-eyed crewmates in front…

" _GYAGH!"_

When I was interrupted by a vicegrip clamping down onto my left ear and nearly tearing it clean off my head with a harsh yank, the music cutting out to the sound of a record scratch.

"You will _ever and always_ find new ways to top yourself, _brother mine,"_ Robin grit out as she dragged me towards the _blatantly_ haunted mansion that loomed over us, the zombies _behind_ us too stunned by the development and the sudden stop of the music to do much more than stare.

"I wouldn't— _AGH!—_ expect _you_ of all people to stop— _YEOW!—_ me from having a nice bit— _OWOWOW!—_ of macabre fun, _sister dear,_ " I accused as I struggled to keep pace with her.

"There's a fine line between 'fun' and 'overkill,' especially in a situation like this," she replied.

"THERE'S _NO SUCH THING_ _ **AS OVERKILL!**_ **There is only 'DEAD' and** ' _ **NOT DEAD ENOUGH! HEEHEE—**_ **HURK!"** Soundbite was cut off by a newly materialized hand grabbing his tongue.

"I usually handle my many and varied affairs with an open hand," Robin flatly informed him. "But I _will_ become the first person in the world to willingly punch a snail if I have to. Understood?"

"… _aheheh…"_ Soundbite chuckled warily as I took him back and put him back on my shoulder. " _ **Too far,**_ _I TAKE IT?"_

"Liiiittle bit," Lassoo pinched the toes of his paw together as he trotted alongside us.

"If it's any consolation?" Conis chuckled sheepishly as she and Usopp scrambled to keep up with our archaeologist. "I thought that you were quite good."

"Thank— _ergh!_ —you," I said around the hand twisting my ear.

"Uhhh…" one of the zombies piped up uneasily, slowly raising its hand. "So…"

 _That_ turned out to be a mistake on his part, because it prompted Robin to release my ear and wheel around, shooting a positively _lethal_ glare at the horde that caused them to flinch as one. "We are going ahead to the mansion now."

She narrowed her eyes and slowly crossed her arms over her chest. "Unless any of _you_ would like to stand in our way?"

Almost in unison, the zombies all dove forward… right into the ground, burying their heads and shoulders and leaving their rotting forms sticking up in a grove of bodies.

Robin took a moment before turning around, her anger gone and nary a hint of bemusement betraying the cool satisfaction she displayed. "Good. Now, shall we?" She didn't wait for an answer before resuming her stride.

We were all quick to scramble after her, none of us willing to fall too far behind and risk drawing her wrath.

"She used to be your _enemy!?"_ Conis hissed out of the corner of her mouth with nigh hysteric incredulity.

"Trust me, we liked _that_ particular relationship as much as you'd possibly expect!" I hissed back.

"This really _is_ a horror-house island…" Usopp whimpered miserably as he yanked his hat as far down as he could.

From there on, we continued down the fog-laden path in silence, slowly but steadily approaching the impressive (in scale, if nothing else) manor, nothing stirring from air or ground to disturb our progress. As such, we reached the front doors without any trouble. Or, well, front-archway, but same difference.

I let out a low whistle as we walked into the shadowy tunnel. Gothic house of nightmares or not, I couldn't deny that it had a certain air of unmistakable majesty to it.

I hid a smirk behind my fist. It was gonna be _fun_ to put this place to the—! Heheheh, too close. Don't wanna spoil anything juuuust yet.

Of course, the mystique was _kinda_ ruined by the old well situated next to the door that was being illuminated by a spotlight.

The well's rope started to creak, presumably from Cindry being pulled up by whatever mechanism she was currently hanging from, and I was patiently waiting for her to appear…

" **I hear with my little ear,** _**a STIFF hanging in a well!"**_

When Soundbite decided to pipe up and be… well, _Soundbite._

"GAAAH!" Hogback shrieked as he slammed the mansion-door open, staring at us in naked terror. "H-H-HOW DID YOU KNOW!?"

" _Soundbite!"_ I hissed incredulously.

" _ **Whaaat?"**_ he whined with an ear-to-ear grin. " _I can tell that_ _ **whoever's in the well is wound up**_ **tighter than a** _PERCUSSION BAND,_ WHY CAN'T I CALL HER **A STIFF?"**

Hogback and I both twitched (me more discreetly than him) before allowing ourselves to heave sighs of relief.

"Oh, so that's all he meant…" Hogback muttered beneath his breath.

"You're an _ass…"_ I hissed at Soundbite.

" _ **This should not be a surprise to you,"**_ he sneered back, completely unrepentant.

Anyway, after a second, Hogback managed to compose himself and adjusted his facemask a bit before pointing his nose in the air. "A-A-Anyways! Welcome, Straw Hat Pirates, to my humble abode!" He spread his hands out in a grandiose manner. "Please allow me to introduce myself! I am—!"

"The world-famous man renowned as a 'genius', Doctor Hogback," Robin blithely interrupted him.

Hogback's head bounced as a weight slammed down around his neck. "—geh…"

"Master of medicine, specialist of specialties, most prominently renowned for being a surgeon extraordinaire," our archaeologist continued. "And of course, he's also known as the greatest doctor in the world."

"Ah, no, wait…" Hogback's hands twitched slightly as he tried to reach out to Robin. "That-That's my introduction, y-you can't just—!"

"Though in my opinion?" Robin forged on, wavering her hand in a so-so manner. "I'd say that he's only the _second_ greatest."

"EH!?" Hogback squawked indignantly as he snapped his spine straight. " _Second_ best!? That is totally and utterly preposterous! Who could _possibly_ surpass a genius such as I?!"

"Hm?" Robin blinked in a manner I could tell was fake, but I seriously doubted Hogback thought she was anything but genuine. "Why, Doctor Vegapunk, of course. After all, he _is_ the smartest man in the world, is he not?"

"VEGAPUNK IS NOTHING BUT A TWO-BIT, HACKSHOP GREASE-MONKEY OF A— _GRGGHH…!"_ Hogback trailed off into incoherent snarling, his hands strangling the air. This continued for several seconds before he descended into tired huffing. "Give me… a moment…" he wheezed. He then stepped back inside the manor and slid behind the yet-closed half of the doors, out of sight but not so far that we couldn't hear him ranting and snarling under his breath.

I cocked an eyebrow at the display before leaning towards Robin. "Well played."

"You may have a natural talent for invective, but I have plenty of experience on my own," Robin chuckled behind a loose fist. "I imagine that he'll be too flustered to analyze any further manipulations on your part."

"Which will be _very—!"_ I snapped my mouth shut when a profusely sweating Hogback stepped back into sight.

"I… _apologize_ for that little display just now," he choked out bitterly. "I… I _acknowledge_ that you are perfectly entitled to your personal opinions. B-But anyway, I believe we are off-track." He straightened his back with what little dignity he had left. "Yes, I am Doctor Hogback, and this is my manor. And you all are the Straw Hat Pirates, correct?"

"We're a few of them, yeah," I nodded in confirmation. "We went on ahead to check this place out, but our friends are all back on the Sunny waiting to phone back in. Which is…" I made a show of grimacing uncomfortably. "Turning out to be a problem."

" **I'd say the fog's playing** _ **merry hell WITH ME,**_ _but I'd prefer Merry_ TO THIS!" Soundbite gagged, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

I withheld a grin as I saw a glint shine in Hogback's glasses. "Is that so? Well, that's just _awful,_ truly awful! Is there anything I can… oh, I know!" He stepped aside and gestured inwards. "Here, why don't you all step inside and enjoy a hot meal on my behalf? And while you're doing that, I'll send my manservant to inform your crew that you're waiting here."

"Are you sure? We wouldn't want you to trouble yourself—!" Conis began in a convincingly demure voice.

"FOSFOSFOSFOS!" Hogback cut her off as he threw his head back and laughed. "Trouble to welcome the most famous, infamous, _and_ entertaining pirates of this generation? Quite the contrary, it's an _honor._ And besides…" His smile took on an acidic overtone. "My manservant could use the exercise. I swear, all he does is laze around all day, packing on the pounds without a care in the—!"

I tensed up furiously when Hogback suddenly flinched and cut himself off, plastering an apologetic smile on his face as he started to _casually_ rub the back of his head. "I-I-I'm sorry, I got ahead of myself again. I _really_ shouldn't speak ill of those who… aren't present." Even behind his thick glasses, his glance to the side was unmistakable.

I swallowed heavily as I processed the implications of this development. " _Soundbite!?"_ I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.

" **His heart** _ **only JUST beat, AND HE'S BARELY BREATHING!"**_ Soundbite hissed back in a freaked out tone. "HELL, EVEN HIS _body's voice is saying 'not here, not here' over and over! I ONLY NOTICED WHEN_ **I COULDN'T DENY THE FACTS ANY LONGER!"**

My jaw twitched a bit as I mulled that over, and then I swallowed and stretched a twitchy grin over my face. "Well, either way, thank you very much for the offer, Doctor. I imagine that our own doctor, Chopper, will be overjoyed to hear about your presence here." I let my grin perk up a bit with sadistic humor. "He dug out an old article about your work earlier today, you see. For the past few hours, you've been _all_ he can talk about."

Well, at least _one_ of those sentences was true.

"FOSFOSFOS! Well, isn't that just _grand!"_ Hogback cackled. "I look forward to entertaining all of your friends, and treating you all to each and every last one of the countless splendors that Thriller Bark has to offer! But for now…" He stepped aside and swung his arms inward. "I shall settle for simply entertaining _you._ Right this way!"

And with that, we all made to file through the door, but we came to a halt when Robin jerked to a stop.

"Robin?" I questioned.

"…Perhaps this island _is_ haunted, because it _felt_ like something just grabbed my… _backside,"_ Robin bit out.

I felt a cold sense of calm come over me as I heard that, and my suspicions were only confirmed when Hogback discreetly slapped his hand to his face. That… that just _reinforced_ what I was feeling. "Let's hope that it _is_ just the haunting," I said darkly. "Because if anyone really _was_ stupid enough to do that, then I would have no choice but to find whoever was responsible and utterly. Fucking. _Destroy them."_

The uncomfortable silence that arose as a result of my 'idle musings' lasted for a second before it was broken by the distinctly _not_ subtle sound of hastily retreating footfalls from somewhere nearby.

"…just have to _love_ the spooky environment here, hm?" Hogback hummed in a tone of forced calm. "I find that the tricks it plays on one's mind are _quite_ refreshing! Now come along, come along, we should be going!"

"Nice bluff," Usopp muttered nervously as he we started walking again, glancing over his shoulder as he went.

"Who the hell's bluffing?" I growled back.

We entered the manor in silence, at least, until we were interrupted.

"Doctor Hogback," a disinterested voice echoed from the well. "Should I still come up?"

My frigid rage lightened up a bit at the sight of Hogback starting to squabble with the well, balancing over the edge as he shouted at the zombie within. My mood lightened even further as I considered matters up to this point.

Our aspect of the plan was going roughly 99% as well as I'd hoped, and in this case that was more than enough.

Here's hoping that the second team was having just as much luck. _Especially_ considering their target.

 **~o~**

"Team 2, a.k.a. 'Honey Pot', will be the guard force that remains here on the Sunny," I said as I pointed down at the deck. "Their objective will be to deal with the fourth and final member of the Mysterious Four who will inevitably swing by while we're all away."

There was a wave of confusion before Merry raised her hand. "And… how exactly is dealing with an enemy on our home turf more difficult _or_ dangerous than traipsing straight into enemy territory?" she asked.

I crossed my arms and scowled. "Because while Spandam is a scumbag unmatched by anyone short of a World Noble, _Absalom_ is a close second who actually has the brawn to back up his inner bile."

I took in the rest of the crew's incredulous and disgusted looks before starting to tick off on my fingers. "In straight-up combat ability, Absalom is probably the strongest fighter on Thriller Bark. He's the only one who doesn't _need_ Devil Fruit-based trickery to win, and the fact that he's an ability user anyway only heightens his threat level. He's been willingly subjected to countless surgeries under Hogback, giving him skin as thick as an elephant's (present company excluded) for extreme durability as well as a few hundred pounds of gorilla and bear muscle for crazy strength, and not only does he—to reiterate— _have a Devil Fruit,_ he's wily in manipulating it, so while he can come off as an idiot at times, he can be _smart_ when it counts _._ Oh, and by the by, that Devil Fruit I just mentioned? It's known as the Clear-Clear Fruit."

The tip of Sanji's cigarette burst into flames. " _What,"_ he snarled darkly.

I nodded regretfully at him before continuing. "For those of you who are unaware? The Clear-Clear Fruit grants the power of invisibility, to both the user and anything that they're touching, which Absalom usually uses in conjunction with a pair of wrist-mounted bazookas."

Boss ground his teeth in grim thought. "So, basically, not only is there going to be a juggernaut of ruthless strength and implacable resilience on board, but he's an _invisible_ juggernaut too?!"

"And it's somehow accentuated by what he's like on the _inside…"_ Funkfreed breathed, his eyes wide in sickened realization. "I've been with Spandam for… pretty much my entire life, so you know I speak from experience when I ask how _anyone_ not a Noble could come close!"

I scowled murderously as several… _images_ flashed through my head. "By being a pervert… actually, no," I corrected myself at the incredulous looks I was getting. "That's not really accurate. He's _not_ a pervert…" My hands slowly curled into shaking fists. "He's a _predator."_

Conis gasped, her and Vivi's eyes widening in horror, while Raphey, Robin, and Nami's faces contorted murderously.

"Care to elaborate on that?" said navigator growled.

"Yeah, because I'm pretty sure I'm missing something here," an obliviously confused Merry added. "What do predators and perverts have to do with each other?"

"…Go figure, she _does_ still have some innocence," Leo muttered.

"Well, I mean, I know about…" The ship-girl made a circle with one hand, and jabbed her index finger in, pulling it back and forth. "But not the whole 'predator' thing."

I grimaced at Merry's comment, but deadpanned, "If I told you guys what I saw him do in the story, Nami's subconscious would electrocute everyone, and I'm pretty sure Sanji would blow the roof off of the pavilion."

"Cross, I built that thing _SUPER!_ tough. A million beris says it'll hold up," Franky scoffed as Nami grudgingly handed Conis her Clima-Tact.

I shrugged, and not-so-discreetly moved as far away from Nami as I could. "He molested Robin onboard while invisible, spied on Nami in the bath, molested her there, and eventually kidnapped her, put her in a chemical-coma, and then had her fitted in a wedding dress and attempted to marry her while she was still knocked out."

 _ **BOOM! CLATTER!**_

"Oh, _that's_ what you meant by predator," Merry nodded, before her face twisted into murderous snarl. "Can I punch him in the coconuts? I'd really like to punch him in the coconuts. Repeatedly."

"That can be arranged. Also, I win, Franky," I deadpanned as I watched Boss and Zoro wrestle a flaming demon to the lawn, only just managing to keep him from smashing our entry ticket to the Land of the Un-Living wide open before we were ready. Above him, a blazing hole smoldered in the pavilion's roof, which was just elevated and crooked enough to show that it had been blown off.

"Shave off a million beris from my debt, Nami," I added, looking back at the navigator who (along with Raphey) was currently making the same attempt to break open the barrel despite being bound in place by several disembodied arms.

" **I'll add** _ **ten**_ **million more if your plan doesn't involve me pulling a Nimbus Tempo on that patchwork** _ **bastard**_ **,"** she snarled murderously.

"…that can also be arranged, but it may not do him much damage on its own," I warned.

" _ **What about twenty in a row?"**_

"…more plausible," I admitted. "So, any further questions before I tell you all what I have in mind?"

"Just the one," Merry sighed, staring at the broken pavilion with regret. "When is Franky ever going to learn _not to challenge you on shit like this?"_

"Since when have you known _me_ to be that smart…" Franky grumbled back.

 **~o~**

Alongside the main entrance of Thriller Bark, a long and tall set of stairs stretched down to a pier. A pier that was very close to a gigantic spider's web. The web's creator was nowhere nearby, as far as anyone looking on could tell, which was good news for the Thousand Sunny, which was stuck in it by the side. Indeed, immobilization aside, the ship seemed to be rather tranquil.

Or so it seemed, until the grass deck suddenly compressed, first in one spot, then another, both in the shape of footprints but with nobody visible. And at the very next moment, every last one of the ship's timbers trembled and groaned, as though the Sunny itself were growling with fury.

The grassy imprints suddenly halted in place, shuffling about a bit like a person looking around before resuming their path across the lawn.

The footprints _started_ to stride towards the doors to the Sunny's sleeping quarters, then, abruptly, halted in place and slowly turned around in a direction facing the Sunny's deckhouse.

The deckhouse whose top was currently emitting a large amount of steam, mind you.

The imprints started moving across the grass again, this times towards the Sunny's aft and this time twice as fast as before. The imprints halted once they reached the steps of the stairs to the upper deck, and were replaced by every other step groaning loudly due to some unseen pressure ascending them two at a time.

When the sourceless footprints stilled, they were directly before the door to what could only be the ship's bathhouse. Then, slowly, the door inside creaked open, and a quiet snort rang out, as though some predatory beast were tasting at the air.

The sight that the slightly opened door revealed was decidedly _not_ a bathhouse. Books lined the shelves, a large desk topped with a map 80% drawn near the window on the other side, and all sheets of paper in the room were protected by watertight cases that let not so much as a speck of moisture touch their fragile contents. Of course, the ladder on the right side of the room made it clear that the bathhouse was very close by.

There was just the slight issue of the giant, armor-clad duck sitting at the bottom of the ladder. 'Slight' being, for once, an appropriate adjective given the quiet snores coming from his mostly motionless body.

There was a brief moment of contemplative silence before the duck was half-shoved, half-nudged aside, and the soft sound of boots and hands on a ladder sounded out a moment later. The boards composing the room's walls seemed to snarl as they creaked and groaned, following the ladder's own creaking as it rose towards the ceiling.

Finally, the creaking stopped and the hatch at the top of the ladder was inched open, the gap between it and the door slowly widening before creaking shut just as slowly. The room the trapdoor opened into was filled to brim with steam, and the vapors slowly but surely coiled around a space in the air that was shaped _like_ a human, but was most distinctly anything _but._

The humanoid creature's muzzle turned back and forth as it contemplated its shrouded surroundings, its head lingering as it saw a doorway into a much wider room. It subtly glided over to it, and a pair of large heart-shaped protrusions came out from its eyes and its tongue lolled from its maw as it gazed inside, beholding what lay within.

Or at least, somewhat beholding it, due to the fact that the steam was hiding any exact details from him…

"Mmm… that feels _so_ good…"

But really, the silhouette of a woman with long hair getting her back rubbed by a woman with shorter hair (and they _were_ women, men didn't have hips like that) didn't _need_ that many extra details.

"But of course it does…" the short-haired woman crooned as she rested her chin on her counterpart's shoulder. "After all, you have all this stress pent up inside, it's not good for you~"

"Well, then… think you can help me…" the long-haired figure's head slowly turned to the side. " _Relieve_ some of this tension?"

"Certainly~"

The nonexistent figure's breathing accelerated, his heart jackhammering in his chest. This… This was just too good to be even _remotely_ true. It was only that eentsy-weentsy _hint_ of sneaking suspicion that held the figure back, his long-honed senses staying his base insti—!

Suddenly, something fell from the long-haired woman's grasp.

"Whoops, I dropped the soap. Pardon me~"

Something in the figure's brain snapped like a dry twig. Prudence could go screw itself, no way in hell was he passing up as golden an opportunity as this!

And so, with barely enough restraint to keep himself from roaring, the figure all but pounced into the fog, arms spread wide as he flew at the women with his arms spread wide—

 _CRACK!_ "GAH!"

—aaand promptly rammed face first into the far wall of the bathroom.

Absalom hacked and snorted as he clawed his way to his feet, leaning on the wall as he massaged his throbbing snout. "W-What the—?!" he started to wheeze in confusion.

"I believe that the appropriate phrase for this situation," came a serene but smug voice from the doorway. "Would be 'reaping what you have sown'."

Absalom spun around, and saw the two women he had _thought_ were bathing, fully clothed and smirking, plus a child he'd never seen before poking out of a panel in the floor he hadn't noticed, standing in the doorway of the bath waving at him. Before he could react, they slammed shut the (Absalom's eyes widened as he realized he'd missed it in the steam) metal bulkhead of a door, which then proceeded to seal with a _very_ loud clunk.

The porthole in the bulkhead was then filled with the white-haired child's viciously smirking face. "In case you didn't quite pick up on what's going on?" she taunted through the door. She then rammed her fist against the door…

 _SKRANG!_

Which first caused a pair of _very_ thick steel shutters to slam shut over the once-open windows…

 _SPLOOSH!_

And second—and far more distressingly to Absalom—caused just about _every_ water fixture in the room to blow its top and start spraying out water by the gallon-full.

Water that with no place left to go, started to _very_ rapidly fill the suddenly too-small room.

Going Merry bared her teeth as Absalom swept his panicked gaze over the room.

"Hold your fucking breath, _pervert."_

 **~o~**

"Nami, Vivi, Carue, Merry," I started slowly, looking at them all in turn. "You'll be the ones dealing with this monster." I hastily raised my hands when they all recoiled in shock. "If you want out, I completely understand and I'll just have the Monsters ambush him, I just want to try and go for the most… subtle and painless method available to us is all."

The crew exchanged uncomfortable glances, and Sanji started to stalk towards me, fuming like a chimney. Nami, though, halted him with a hand on his chest even as she continued to coolly regard me.

"…Considering what I just asked for, we'll hear your plan out before we decide anything, Cross," Nami stated, though the edge lurking in her voice was unmistakable.

I tugged at my collar on account of the Weather Witch's Eisen-aura darkening to a subtle gray around her, but continued. "OK, so basically, my plan hinges around exploiting the two flaws Absalom has, and only Nami and Vivi can successfully use the first flaw to maximum effectiveness. And as for how they'll be doing it…"

I trailed off uncomfortably as I considered what I was about to say before swallowing heavily. "Alright, look. There's no right way to say this delicately, so I'll have to be blunt, but I _swear_ to the both of you, in no way, shape or form will you be in actual, physical danger for even a moment. Got it?"

Our negotiator and navigator exchanged uneasy looks before nodding as one.

I sucked in a stilling breath… and then I whooshed out the only word applicable. "Bait."

I all but panicked at the looks of betrayal that flashed across their faces, and I hastily scrambled to specify. "Or at least! The _general forms of your bodies_ will be the bait, while your _actual, corporeal forms_ will be well away from Absalom!"

Vivi's heartbroken look broke in favor of confusion, but Nami slapped her hand to her face. " _Mirage!_ You could have just opened with mirage! Damn it, you _asshole,_ you nearly gave me a heart attack!"

I grimaced and nodded in acceptance even as my crewmates all relaxed from the tension that had beset us. "Yeah, you're right, sorry. I was just… _really_ focused on the b-word. But yes, you'll be using a mirage to trick Absalom. And Vivi," I nodded at the princess, "You'll be involved for the dual reasons of your Sovereign's Will probably being of some use in controlling him if anything goes wrong and… well…" I shook my head with a sigh. "Absalom has a hard enough time controlling himself around one woman at a time. So I figure two women at once in a… _compromising_ situation—!"

"His caution goes straight out the window and he'll charge headfirst into whatever trap we lay out for him, blah blah blah, I get the picture," Vivi finished for me, grimacing. "Don't worry, Cross, I did way worse while I was Miss Wednesday. So long as I stay fully clothed around that monster, I'll do what I need to see him get his comeuppance."

"So, uh… what's my part in this?" Merry asked as she raised her hand with a not unfearful look. "Am… I-I'm not going to be in—?"

"I neither know nor _want_ to know if Absalom is willing to or has ever sunk to those levels of inhumanity, so _no,_ preceded by a _hell fucking,"_ I growled, before allowing myself to smirk at her. "But I do have a couple of questions for you, Merry. Concerning good ol' Sunny, actually."

Merry's face morphed into a mask of confusion. "Uh… yeah, sure? Fire away."

"Well, first off…" I pointed up at our deckhouse, whose library I'd spent ample time in. "The bathroom. I'm assuming it's all caulked up to the nines?"

Merry started to reply, and promptly froze when a pair of bodiless hands clamped onto her shoulders, shuddering around her spine.

"For her sake?" Robin smiled in a too-serene manner as the fog around her seemed to darken malevolently. "It had better be."

Merry's rictus smile twitched as she tried to force herself to stay still. "Sealed up tighter than Akainu's molten ass, my mast to God! So, ah… please don't kill me?"

The darkness around Robin evaporated as swiftly as her hands. "For now."

I shook my head at our archaeologist's… _somewhat_ teasing tone before continuing. "Anyway… next, question, how long would it take for you to replace the bathroom's door with a metal bulkhead that, oh, I dunno… even Luffy would have trouble punching through?"

I grinned as I saw the beginnings of a spark form in Merry's eyes. "Not… that long…"

"And I'm once again assuming that you could install a few armored covers over the windows—!"

"And then rig the pump to go into overdrive when I say so and flood the place, turning the entire room into a watery-grave fit to drown Franken-pervert! BRILLIANT!" Merry cackled in realization, jumping and clapping her hands gleefully at the prospect. "You're an absolute _genius_ , Cross! I'll go get the preparations started right away!" And with that, she popped a trapdoor in the deck and dropped into it, laughing all the way.

I nodded contentedly as I turned back to Nami and Vivi. "You two'll project a mirage of yourselves in a… 'compromising' position into the bathroom once it's been filled to the rafters with steam, and once Absalom leaps in, you'll _lock_ him in and take advantage of his second fatal flaw. The one thing that he can't possibly fight."

"His own powers…" Vivi breathed in realization.

"Hell, that'd even take care of a _normal_ person…" Nami muttered into her knuckle before slowly nodding. "This is a _really_ good plan, Cross!"

"No need to sound so surprised," I grumbled, turning to Carue. "And just for the record, you can contribute by pretending to sleep at the foot of the ladder, help sell that we're lax and off our guard. I know it's not much, but… well, given the situation, it's not like you'll be anywhere else but a room away from Vivi, right?"

"Damn stwaight!" Carue confirmed.

"Perfect!" I said, clapping my hands together. "Alright, I realize this might be hypocritical given what I said earlier, but still, it's worth saying: So long as we follow this plan and line things up right, with any luck we'll be able to remove Absalom of the Graveyard from play without any real trouble."

 **~o~**

"I am _so_ glad that this thing is holding up," Nami sighed in relief, staring through the porthole at the ferocious lion-faced man who was pounding at the steel door, even as the room continued filling with water.

The source of her boundless relief stemmed from the fact that despite _knowing_ that the door was composed of several inches of strong steel, Absalom was still managing to put dents in the only barrier between him and his escape.

"Agreed," Vivi swallowed, rubbing at her neck fearfully and flinching as yet another dent was slammed into the metal. "He's… _enraged._ If he gets out, it won't matter if we're female or not, he'll rip us to pieces."

"Well he'ww haf ta get thwough me first!" Carue declared, before recoiling as another punch bent another spot in the door. "Though I _weawwy_ hope it doeshn't come ta that…"

"And it _won't,_ don't worry," Merry assured him, utterly relaxed. "I dug into some of the Wootz steel Franky splurged on to reinforce that door. Even Luffy would take at least five minutes to break through, and this guy doesn't even have two; if my calculations are correct—and considering how they involve Big Bro Sunny, they _are—_ then the water will be reaching his knees in five, four, three, two…"

The ferocity in Absalom's face suddenly faltered and he grimaced in discomfort, slumping forward to lean against the door. For a few seconds, he looked like he was beaten.

Then he raised his head, murder in his eyes, and he started pounding anew. The dents he caused were significantly shallower than they were before, but they were _definitely_ still there.

Merry's mask of confidence crumbled. "That's… _unexpected…"_

"Merryyy…" Nami grit out, bringing her Eisen Tempo to bear.

"Uh, uh, uh…" Merry hastily counted her fingers a few times as she muttered to herself before snapping her head up. "Reaching his waist… _now!"_

Absalom flinched again, his muzzle scrunching up in a sign of clear disgust, and he looked to be barely conscious. But _still_ the pounding kept going, in spite of the fact that there was no clear progress in harming the door anymore.

" _Meeeeerryyyyy."_ Vivi's knuckles turned white as she strangled her Lion Cutter's hilts.

"Oh, _screw_ this asshole!" Merry snarled, hastily knocking a panel on the wall open and wrenching the pipes inside around. "I was going to _try_ and keep the pump in one piece, but it looks like we'll be rebuilding it from scratch! Flooding the place _now!"_

Absalom's eyes widened in panic as a groaning-shuddering sound rocked the bathroom, but before he could react the porthole was obscured by a flood of white foam. When the bubbles cleared, Absalom's drowsy face floated in the water for a moment before a slew of bubbles spurted from his mouth and he sank down and out of sight.

The quartet allowed themselves to sag in relief, the tension draining out of them.

"Thank _God…"_ Nami groaned, wiping the cold sweat from her brow while her clouds fanned her. "Cross wasn't kidding, that bastard was a monster inside _and_ out!"

"Yeah…" Vivi mused, fingering her necklace as she peered into the porthole. "You know… honestly, looking at this? I wonder if it would even be worth it to have Devil Fruit powers. I mean, all of that power, even as a Logia… but then it becomes totally useless as soon as you fall in water. Isn't that… a bit useless?"

"Say dat again wid a stwaight face da next time you see Wuffy, Wobin and Choppah kick majah ass," Carue snickered into his wing.

Vivi considered that before nodding her head. "Yeah, and Crocodile certainly never suffered from that particular weakness much, either. Point taken."

"Well, trust me on this, weaknesses or not?" Merry snickered as she slowly counted down on her fingers. "I, for one, fully appreciate selling my soul to that little shit-tasting devil. Aaaanyway…" She started fiddling with the pipes again. "The room should be full up by now. I'm gonna shut the water down so that the whole place doesn't burst, and then we can let that patchwork punk stew until he's niiiice and dead to the world. Then I'll just drain the place and we can dip into the stash of sea prism cuffs and collars that Enies Lobby and the Accinos so _graciously_ donated to our worthy cause, and—!"

 _BOOM!_

The quartet froze when the whole of the deckhouse suddenly shook and, far more distressingly, the already-abused bulkhead suddenly bulged as though _Sanji_ had taken his heel to it.

"What the hell was that?" Nami whispered numbly.

"Cannonfire…" Vivi breathed back, her pupils having shrunk to pinpricks. "That was cannonfire… _h-he's still moving!?"_

Merry shook her head in frantic denial. "E-Even if he is, I took those bazookas Cross talked about into account! The door is strong enough to take anything he could physically carry!"

 _BOOM!_

Nami's gut dropped as there was another explosion, and the door bulged even _further._ "Did you take into account that his musculature is reinforced…" she whispered numbly. "And he can carry firepower that would blow a normal person's arms off?"

Merry paled. "Uh…"

"Owah that he'd onwy hafta knock da dowah halfway off its hinges befowah it'd have to deaw wid da _watah pwessure?"_ Carue whimpered.

Silence reigned as the ship-girl slowly stumbled backwards fearfully. "No… No, I didn't…" she whispered in terror.

In the heart-pounding silence that followed, the click of metal on metal was like a gunshot.

" _RU—!"_ Nami started to scream, shoving as many of her clouds forwards as she could.

Sadly, as swift as her iron clouds were…

 _ **BOOOOM!**_

The blast that blew the bulkhead off its hinges and the flood of water that followed were far, _far_ faster. As such, none of the four were ready when the water and the blast struck them, _smashing_ them clean through the opposite window of the deckhouse and launching them out onto the lawn of the deck.

Thankfully, the deck was covered in grass rather than wood, and Nami's subconscious managed to bend the clouds enough to provide something of a cushion. As such, they weren't hurt from the fall or landing. They were, however, left sputtering from the sudden assault of water on their senses. They had just managed to get their breath and balance back when a most unwelcome thing interrupted them.

"Clever little sneaks."

They looked up to see a very wet, very livid patchwork-man standing on the railing above them. His jaw was that of a lion, his wild golden hair only reinforcing that image, and the left and right thirds of his torso and his arms from the wrists up were covered in different colors of flesh very obviously stitched on, with a pair of bazookas strapped to his forearms. Most unnerving of all? Though his eyes promised murder, his mouth was curled into a smile.

"I thought I felt something off at first…" Absalom of the Graveyard grumbled, his hackles pulled back in a vicious scowl. "Why am I even surprised that someone like Jeremiah Cross knew about me ahead of time? You should be pleased with yourselves, that's the closest that anyone's ever come to beating me since I joined Moriah." He clicked his very sharp teeth together. "But the simple fact is that I'm way out of your league now that you've lost the element of surprise. I'm going to take my sweet time with you three, and when I'm done—"

" **Quiet."**

Absalom faltered, his tongue catching in his mouth as Vivi glared up at him. Then she smiled sweetly, taking on a rather alluring pose. "Mister Absalom, why don't you just **calm down and hold still?"**

A choked noise tore its way out of Absalom's throat, the rage evident in his tone paradoxical to the way his body slumped forwards, the energy draining from his stance.

"Good, good," Vivi nodded in a faux-endearing manner, a frigid smile on her face. "Now, just for the record… you said the 'three' of us, but that's not quite correct. For you see… there _aren't_ three of us here."

"HEADS AHP!"

Absalom's eyes darted to the side, just in time—

"SUBSAHNIC!"

For him to catch a faceful of armored talon moving almost faster than he could tell what hit him.

"KICK!" Carue quacked furiously as he practically _leapt_ off of Absalom's face, transferring the entirety of his velocity to his target and bouncing him off the Sunny's railing before he fell out of sight.

Nami and Vivi both heaved relieved bursts of laughter, slapping their hands in a victorious high-five.

"Uh… guys?"

And then the mood was promptly ruined by Merry's quivering voice.

"Merry…" Vivi whispered fearfully. "Please tell me you're not about to point out some minor but highly incriminating detail that means we're not done yet, _please."_

Merry shook her head regretfully, her eyes filled with terror. "Wish, I could, but… Carue kicked him overboard, right?"

Nami nodded slowly. "Yeeeaaah… why?"

"Well, then… where's the splash?"

Nami and Vivi both froze as they stared at the ship-girl. " _What,"_ they whispered in synch.

"Where's the splash?" she repeated. "If we were done, then wouldn't there be an ocean-shattering splash?"

"Uh…" the older women exchanged uncertain glances…

"So… you want a splash, you little brat?"

Before they all stiffened as a by-now _far_ too familiar voice growled out, accompanied by a hand clamping onto the edge of the railing.

"I'LL GIVE YOU A SPLASH!" bellowed the positively _deranged_ Absalom, forcefully shoving his torso back into view as he clawed his way back onto the Sunny—

 _ **BOOM!**_ "WA-A-A-ACK…"

And then firing one of his bazookas at Carue, causing the unfortunate flash-cooked waterfowl to keel over, out cold and smoking, and leaving the three women alone with the madman. Said madman then turned his guns on them. "WHO'S NEXT?!"

But in contrast to the fear that he had been eagerly and viciously expecting, they had prepared themselves to fight before he'd even finished with Carue. Nami had surrounded herself in clouds, Vivi had started spinning her Lion Cutter, and Merry had hitched a rope ride straight to the helm.

As such, Absalom paused near the railing, scanning over his targets: Nami, wrapped up in her Iron Cloud; Merry, halfway across the ship; and Vivi, in striking range and protected by much more flimsy weapons.

"You," Absalom decided, pointing a clawed digit at Vivi. "You're next."

Before the former princess could in any way deny that, Absalom vanished from sight. Vivi pivoted in place, her eyes wide and shooting to every rustle of grass.

' _I can't see him!'_ she mentally wailed. ' _How am I supposed to fight him i—right, I'm an idiot.'_

" **Stop and show yourself!"** she barked, and was rewarded by Absalom faceplanting a few feet behind her. A low thudding whip sound drew her attention to the lines, right as a whole _mess_ of rope and pulleys fell on top of the Franken-bastard.

"Gotcha!" Merry crowed as she yanked the lines up, Absalom tangled up in as many hooks and snares as she could manage. "Not so tough when you're hanging up in the air, are ya?!"

Absalom's answer was to shoot a snarl and a glare at the helm before jerking his arm, which brought about the _click!_ - **BOOM!** of the bazooka firing, followed milliseconds later by Vivi just barely ducking under the suddenly visible cannonball.

 _BOOM!_

"AAAAH!"

A cannonball that, unfortunately, landed immediately behind Vivi before exploding, the blast and shrapnel knocking her off her feet and peppering her with metal shards.

"Ooooww…" Vivi groaned into the dirt, her world still a blur of blaze and _pain._

"Vivi!" Nami and Merry howled as she went down, the navigator swinging out her Clima-Tact so that two chunks of black, crackling Eisen Cloud were flanking the strung-up Absalom. "Nimbus Tempo!"

Lightning tore through the struggling chimaera suspended between the two clouds, loosing a bevy of both electrical crackles and a symphony of sizzling meat. The rope, due to the considerable heat drawn from the metal hooks, gave up the ghost about a minute in, dumping their charbroiled assailant on the grass with another loud thump. The sight of a torrent of smoke curling up from his form was a veritable _font_ of hope for the women.

"D-Did we get him?" Merry wondered as she peeked over the railing of the foredeck.

Seemingly in response, the exact source of the smoke became indistinct as Absalom's body faded from sight.

"Gonna take that as a no," Vivi grunted as she hauled herself to her feet, wincing as she picked out slivers of metal from her arms. "In my experience, Paramecia powers that rely on conscious activation don't persist after their user's lost consciousness in a violent manner."

"So… still kicking, got it," Nami said, spinning up her Clima-Tact again. "Let's fix that."

Eisen Cloud flowed out from Nami's defensive shell, wrapping around their still-smoking opponent, quickly flowing into a cross-hatched shell that immediately began turning black.

"Tempest Tempo."

Said crosshatches promptly came alive with lightning, jumping between the lattices to strike and charge every inch of space outlined by the shell. Once again, crackling lightning competed with sizzling on the target, and was also accompanied by a burning smell. Eventually, though, the lightning came to an end, and when Nami withdrew her clouds all that was left was a black form smoking on the circle of dead grass.

To everyone's surprise and—far more pressingly— _horror_ , that form was _not_ Absalom's body, but instead his bazookas and a pile of ash, bits of blue cloth still visible.

"How—!" Vivi began, but was cut off by an invisible fist slamming into the right side of her torso, reaching under her ribs. She immediately hunched over, groaning loudly in pain as she clutched at where her liver was.

Nami tried to respond to the sudden Absalom on her six, she really did, but with most of her Eisen Cloud still wrapped up where the Tempest Tempo had hit she was unable to stop an iron-hard grip from grasping her neck and slamming her into the mainmast.

"I crawled," Absalom growled as he faded back into view, somewhat scorched and now shirtless, but still fully functional. "Had to leave my bazookas behind so you wouldn't notice, and that's one _more_ thing I need to pay you bitches back for." Reaching up with his other hand, he brandished his claws. "I'd say it'd be a shame to mess up that pretty face… but I'd be lying."

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

"Wha—" Absalom began, before a pair of rainboots slammed into the side of his head and sent him careening into the pavilion's counter. Growling, he shook his head, looked up, and saw Merry let go of the rope she had swung down to land on his torso.

"MERRY… PUNCH!" the ship-girl announced, rearing back a fist and then _slamming_ it into his crotch, the impact shaking the Sunny from keel to crow's nest.

For a moment, there was silence… which a freaked Merry broke first.

"Uh, s-s-shouldn't you be screaming in pain right now?" she nervously asked.

Absalom's lips pulled back into a murderous leer. "You don't think that I chose to look like this for shits and giggles do you? I've been very thoroughly retrofitted. Among those improvements?"

He snapped his hand up to grab Merry's face, lifted her clean off the ground and then _slammed_ her into the lawn with as much force as he could manage.

"A mental switch," Absalom growled. "For my sense of _pain._ Looks like something you could really use right now, huh?"

Merry let out a hacking cough, blood spurting from a squashed nose, cut lips, and a nasty scrape on her forehead.

"MERRY!" Vivi and Nami screamed, lashing out at Absalom with clouds and blades respectively, which Absalom was quick to roll out of the way of. Nami hastily ran to cradle Merry, while Vivi interposed herself between them and Absalom, though she was swaying on her feet and barely managing to stay upright.

Still, the Princess tried to take a few swings at the abomination with her Cutters, but she could only growl in frustration as they were easily dodged.

Vivi concentrated for a bit before lashing out again. " **Hold sti—!"**

Before she could finish her command, however, Absalom grabbed the chain of her weapon and gave it a firm tug, nearly taking her off her feet.

"Improvement the second," Absalom snorted, ramming his palm into the side of his head before grabbing the chain with both hands and giving it an almighty _yank,_ dragging Vivi into melee range before she could react.

"Nononono, **stop stop** _ **STO—!"**_

 _THWOCK!_

"HURK!" A mouthful of blood forced its way through Vivi's teeth as Absalom buried his fist in almost the same exact spot Sharinguru had not too long ago. Still, even through her renewed haze of pain, she was conscious enough to be aware as the beast-hybrid grabbed the back of her head and forced her to look into his face.

"Detachable eardrums," he growled menacingly. That done, he lashed his arm out and cast Vivi aside like a ragdoll, her uncontrolled tumble terminating when she bodily slammed into the railing, where she lay still with only shuddering breaths to show that she was still kicking.

Absalom turned to face the last of the pirates, who was nowhere to be seen.

"Guess what, asshole?"

Absalom spun around, just catching sight of Nami standing behind him.

 _THUNK!_

" _GRK!"_

Before staggering back as she _rammed_ the orbless end of a section of her staff into _and through_ a juncture of stitches on his chest.

"You're not the only one who can turn invisible," Nami snarled. "Now, let's see if your insides are as tough as your outsides when dealing with a sudden burst of lightning."

"More specifically!"

Absalom snapped his head around to catch sight of Merry painfully leaning against the mast, giving him a bloody grin.

"The amount of voltage a Thunder Dial gives off when _shattered!"_ she leered, ramming her fist into the mast.

Before Absalom could react, a pulley swung down from the rigging and _cracked_ into the orb at the end of the rod sticking out of his chest.

"Ride the lightning, _asshole!"_ Merry cackled in triumph.

That was the last thing Absalom saw—

 _ **ZAP!**_ "YEEEAAARGH!"

Before his world devolved into light and _pain._

Merry and Nami both shielded their eyes, the lightning coursing through Absalom lighting up the deck from end to end. It only lasted a few seconds, but at the end of those seconds, the lion-faced man was exhaling smoke, his eyes white as snow and blood oozing out of the cavity in his chest. He keeled forward…

Then, to the women's horror, he ripped out the mangled remains of the Thunder Rod with one hand and rammed the other into his chest, hard enough that they heard a rib break and _felt_ the resultant thump echoing in their own chests. Absalom was swaying on his feet now, but full functionality was clearly fast approaching.

"You… are… _dead,_ " he growled breathlessly.

The pair stared at him in slack-jawed awe before Merry clapped her hands together.

"Welp," she stated flatly. "I'm done. Done done _done._ We did good, we kicked his ass, we even stopped his heart, but I for one feel like _shit._ How about you guys?"

"I am _very much_ regretting the series of decisions that led to this situation…" Vivi wheezed weakly as she stuck her finger in the air.

"Aye don't wike shmewwing dewicioush…" Carue concurred blearily.

"And I just broke my Thunder Dial, so I need to dig out one of my spares before I do any more serious fighting," Nami concluded, moving to slump against the side of the ship. "Guess you beat us, o King of Graveyards."

Despite all of the pain and anger that was coursing through every fiber of his being, Absalom's sheer confusion kept him from moving. This calm, even _graceful_ surrender had him looking between them for some evidence of a bluff, but none of them were moving or attempting to set up any tricks. They were even closing their eyes.

If only because of what happened several minutes earlier, the last time he let his emotions get the better of a twinge of unease, he elected not to charge in blindly. His mind scanned over the situation: the four in front of him meant what they were saying, their actions made that a safe assumption. But even if they knew they had lost, if the SBS was any indication, the Straw Hats still would have kept fighting until the last breath, so how could the fight be—

Absalom stiffened in realization, recalling the exact reason that he'd come onboard the ship in the first place: to scout out the rest of the crew, which Cross said was still waiting onboard. Which could only mean that his quarry had surrendered because—

 _SLAM!_ "AAAGH!"

All at once, Absalom went flying backwards as a kick nailed him right in his snout, his much-abused body slamming against the wall of the ship as he completed his train of thought: _they had reinforcements waiting._

It took a moment for Absalom's vision to unfuzz, but once it did, his heart stopped again at the sight of the individual looming before him.

The tall, blond, _smoke-chuffing_ individual looming before him.

"You know, I had a whole bit lined up for this: the Bullshit Bistro, all-you-can-eat buffet, the whole nine yards. But after seeing this?" Sanji took a slow, long drag from his cigarette, and exhaled it just as slowly… right before searing the whiskers from Absalom's muzzle by bursting into flames. " **I'm just going to kick your ass inside-out and be done with you."**

 **~o~**

"Hang on a second. I have a question, too."

All eyes turned to Sanji, who was still positively fuming, though apparently not explicitly at me. "Why am I _not_ part of Team 2, Cross?" he tersely demanded.

I raised my hands placatingly at the sharp looks everyone pegged me with. "Because, to reiterate, Absalom, for all that he's a monster and has little to no leash on his… I'll be unduly polite and say 'libido', he's still _smart._ If he sees one of our Monster Trio still onboard, there isn't enough tail in the world to make him stick around longer than he has to. And the entire point of this risk we're undertaking—GAH!"

"' _WE'!?"_ Nami snarled murderously, a veritable typhoon roiling around her as she tried to take my ear off, with Vivi tapping her Cutter in her palm right behind her.

"Owowowow, _yes,_ 'we'!" I yelped in outraged agony. "For Roger's sake, if anything happens to you on the plan that _I_ concocted, how the hell much do you think _my_ life will be worth!?"

Nami's storm promptly deflated with a sound akin to a balloon and Vivi's Lion Cutter vanished behind her back as the two exchanged uncertain looks before Nami released my ear with a sheepish grin. "Aheh… stress from the oncoming ordeal?"

I pinned the both of them with a glare and a growl as I massaged my aching ear. "In full cognizance of the demon on my shoulder, I bid the both of you to kindly _bite me."_

"YOU KNOW YOU'VE _screwed up when even_ **I** _**give him a pass**_ **on using that!"** Soundbite snorted.

I maintained my glare on the penitent women for a minute or two longer before continuing. " _As I was saying_ … the point of all this is to make sure that once Absalom comes onboard the Sunny, he doesn't get back onto Thriller Bark before it falls. And for that, we need to make sure that there isn't a single loose thread for him to unravel."

Sanji snorted darkly, and shot me a harsh look. "Answer me this, Cross: am I _vital_ anywhere else in your plan? Truly irreplaceable?"

"Well—! …ah…" I started to answer before reconsidering. Well, when he put it _that_ way…

"Because if that's not the case, Cross," Sanji forged on. "Then I'm not setting a foot off this ship. Because unless you can give me a _damn_ good reason, I'm not willing to take the risk that that monster could turn things against even _one_ more woman in the world."

"Uh…" I glanced away uncertainly as I scratched behind my ear.

"Sanji."

The both of us snapped our attention to Vivi with equal incredulity, as much due to her calm authority as the fact that she'd spoken up at all.

"I know you're angry," Vivi assured him in a tone of barely restrained calm. "But I believe it's safe to say that _we—"_ She gestured at the fuming females of the crew. "Are _far_ angrier. If the bath trap does somehow fail, I doubt he'll be able to handle all of our collective skill sets at once."

"With all due respect, dear Vivi? You just said 'doubt'," Sanji growled. "And that means that there's still a chance that he could actually seriously hurt you all _or worse."_ Before Vivi could respond, Sanji swept his arms out and addressed the crew. "Can I have a show of hands for anyone on this ship who's willing to take the risk of our friends being left to the mercies of someone like _that_ with _no_ backup plan?"

"…I hate to say it, but I have to agree with the cook, Cross," Zoro admitted after a tense moment. "When you look at our track record, our traps work maybe half the time. And if things land on the 'don't', no offense, but I don't know if I'd bet on these four to win against what you just described. They'd have a good chance, sure," he added nonchalantly in response to a few glares. "But speaking as someone who's actually fought a Warlord's top subordinate before, he has a good chance, too. And I'm not willing to take the risk of letting someone like _that_ loose against our crew."

I… honestly couldn't find it in myself to argue against that. Sooo I didn't. "Alright," I conceded with a slow nod. "But… even so, that doesn't change the fact that you _need_ to stay out of sight. Hell, more than out of sight, out of scent due to his enhancements. One whiff of you and Absalom will pull a runner, and then we'll _all_ be in trouble. You'll need somewhere to _hide…_ "

Sanji's dour mood finally broke in favor of a victorious smirk. "Already got that handled." He then jabbed his thumb off the side. "I'm sure Thriller Bark has derelicts drift in all the time, right?"

I followed the digit to the battered wreck of the Rumbar Pirates' old ship. With its higher sides, it would definitely allow good sight lines from its decks while also concealing Sanji from view. And considering how the old thing reeked to high heaven of mildew, salt and, well, _death_ in general…

I slowly nodded in agreement. "Yeah… Yeah, that oughta do the trick. Alright, you've sold me: go ahead and act as backup if you want, but I hope you'll forgive me for hoping that it doesn't actually come to that."

"Considering how it's our necks on the line?" Nami concurred dryly. "I will second that sentiment with gusto."

"Well, you'll just have to deal with your Prince Charming being an overbearing protector either way," Sanji nodded. "For now, seeing as I doubt you'll need me for much else…"

I felt a chill run down my spine as Sanji smiled with a sadistic glee that should only have ever been directed at a certain giga-giant.

"I'm going to step away for a bit so that I can…" He hissed in a short breath before snarling out the next word. " _Practice._ Nothing but the _finest_ for our customers here at the Crap Café, you understand."

"Aheheh…" I chuckled uneasily as I leaned back from the semi-demented chef.

" _ **First step**_ **of any practice?"** Soundbite deadpanned in a nonplussed tone. "NEW MATERIAL. _That bit's gotten mouldy."_

"Ah…" The menace siphoned out of Sanji as he considered that. "…yeah, fair enough. Anyway, carry on without me." And with that, he turned around and stalked off.

I watched him leap up onto the old derelict before refocusing on the rest of the crew. "Alright, now that that's handled, let's move on to Team 3."

Much later, once we were done with the accursed island that was our next adventure, I would kick myself for not noticing how… _wavy_ Nami had gotten as I said that.

 **-o-**

"Sanji."

The chef spun around suddenly as a stern-looking navigator looked at him, her clouds gray. "Yes, Nami dear? Do you need me back on the Sunny?"

"Not unless you haven't finished the lunchboxes yet," Nami said, shaking her head. "I want you to make me a promise."

"Anything for you, sweet Nami!" the chef sang exuberantly.

"Let us fight."

The chef froze, and Nami moved so that she was directly in front of him, darkening clouds and all, before he could say anything. "You heard what Cross said: if he sees you too soon, he'll run away and spill everything to the rest of Thriller Bark, and that'll spell pandemonium for the rest of us. And knowing you, you'd jump in as soon as he managed to land one hit on us. Which is why I'm here, not just for me, but with Vivi and Merry's support too."

She looked him dead in the eye as she jabbed him in the chest. "Promise us, Sanji: no matter how much we get hurt, no matter what Absalom does to us, _do not_ intervene unless we acknowledge that he's beaten us, that we _need_ your help. Even if he wasn't the worst kind of pervert, we've been training specifically so that we won't _need_ to rely on the stronger members of the crew to be able to survive every opponent we meet, and this is our chance to find out whether it's been enough. Promise us that you'll let us have that chance."

The chef visibly warred with himself, and it took a full minute before he bowed his head with a weak sigh.

"…You have my word, Nami-swan."

The navigator nodded before returning to the ship. She didn't look back, and so she couldn't see as Sanji's expression contorted into a downright _ferocious_ expression.

' _Make that another thing to roast that patchwork bastard alive for: putting me in a situation where I might have to endure them screaming.'_ He sucked in as deep a drag as he dared from his cancer stick before letting the nicotine-laced fumes roil in his lungs. ' _At least there's an upside… when I finally get my feet on this bastard, it's going to be all the more_ satisfying.'

 **~o~**

For the first time in years, Absalom was truly terrified that he was going to die. He had taken enough damage already that the flaming _demon_ before him made him think that the Grim Reaper itself had come for him. Then, like so many other brainless bastards before him, all he knew was pain.

Sanji's kicks flew without mercy, without hesitation, and shrouded in golden flames, his mind running through images as fast as he kicked. It didn't even take a minute before he reared his leg back for the final blow, his mind's eye coming to focus on a single distinct image:

A mask carved out of iron.

" **HELL MEMORIES!"**

 _KRACK-_ _ **BOOM!**_

 _Literally_ white flames streaked behind the ship's intruder as he flew away and crashed far away from the Thousand Sunny. And with that, the hot, hot flames diminished, leaving the huffing but triumphant Sanji dusting off his hands.

"…Impressive," Merry said dumbly, staring through a telescope at the new flaming cavity in the mouth-shaped gate of Thriller Bark, in which Absalom was very deeply embedded and even _more_ clearly unconscious.

"Is… _that_ what you were practicing?" Vivi asked.

Sanji turned to her, for once not flying into love mode, his expression bleak. "…When I was a kid, I found an encyclopedia on the different identified Devil Fruits in the world. It seemed farfetched, and most of the powers I saw didn't seem worth the curse anyway… except for one. The Clear-Clear Fruit spoke to my very soul. And I made the decision that if I ever found it, I would embrace the curse. To let my anger burn as hot as I wanted to, all I had to do was focus on how much I could have done if I ever had the power of that fruit."

He looked back in the direction of the gate, and his next words were spoken softly.

"The power to disappear…"

What would have happened next might have been a solemn silence, in which the three of them wondered what Sanji could have meant, had Carue not narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"You just wanted tah be able tah peep just wike he could, didn't ya?"

And just like that, the atmosphere changed, Sanji stiffening as the three females _looked_ at him. He smiled sheepishly. "N-No, no, I had other ideas. There was so much good that I could—NUDE GIR—!"

 _THWACK!_ _ **THUD!**_

"I swear, he's completely hopeless," Nami groused, shaking her head and grinding the heel of her palm into her forehead as she and the rest of the women present stood over Sanji's insensate form.

"Incorrigible, utterly incorrigible." Vivi lowered her head and shook it with a sigh, her fists planted on her hips.

Merry, meanwhile, grinned from ear-to-ear as she shrugged in a 'what can you do' manner. "Buuut it's not like we'd have any of them any other way, riiight?"

The navigator and princess's dual silences and smiles were more telling than any verbal response they could have given. Nami then turned her smile towards the form of the cook, whose head was steaming but lacking a bump. "Still… Sanji, you saved us. We were… in over our heads—"

"Nami," Vivi interrupted. "This whole affair was an absolute, unmitigated _disaster._ And to make matters worse, this time we can't even think of blaming it on Cross. This was all on _our_ heads."

"… _right…"_ Nami eventually conceded with a wince. "This was… a disaster… that was our faults…" She then readopted a light smile. "And… you were smart enough to have our backs and be there to pull our asses out of the fire. And that… was not something I would have had a year ago and I… I really appreciate it. So… thank you. A lot."

"UOOOH, NAMI-SWAN!" Sanji roared energetically, poised on the Sunny's railing as he was wreathed in a whole new kind of fire.

"Wight, then," Carue squawked, wincing as the mere act of speaking aggravated his burns. "If dat's evewything, I move dat we waid Choppah's woom and stawt tweating ouw injuwies befoah phase thwee stawts."

"Seconded," Merry nodded, limping towards the room. "Sanji, give me a hand; I may have Chopper's skillset, but I'm fighting to stay _conscious_. You'll have to handle the actual application of the bandages."

"Of course, Merry," Sanji nodded, moving to hold the door open as the four of them filed in.

"So, kind of off topic, but… given Cross' luck, who wants to bet that whatever he's doing is blowing up in his face just as much as this blew up in ours?" Vivi mused.

 **-o-**

"And so the guy slaps the soldier clear across his face," I managed to get out through my laughter. "Puts his foot on the table, and proclaims for the whole bar to hear!" I leapt to my feet and swept my arms out in imitation. "'I, sir, am a _Puritan!'"_

"FOOOSFOSFOSFOS!" Hogback howled with laughter as he pounded the table, his clearly squashed lungs wheezing desperately. "P-Puritan! A-And after the donkey—! A-And the chandelier and the—! FOSFOSFOSFOS! T-That's a good one! Truly hilarious!"

I snickered as I came down from the high that a successful joke provided. Well, if Hogback wasn't genuinely laughing, then he was putting on a very good act. Buuut going by the slight rosiness in his cheeks (what little I could see under all that grease, anyway), it was not only genuine, but booze-enforced. Which served to assure me that our ruse was going _perfectly_.

Currently, we were all sitting comfortably in the dining room, all of us, two enemy sides content in their masquerade of friendliness for the sake of defeating the other when the time was right. Of course, the balance was rather firmly in our favor considering that they didn't know that we knew about their trap, or that we had one of our own.

…oooh, good lordy, I only just realized that we'd gotten ourselves into _this_ kind of situation. Eesh. Well, on the bright side, at least the rabbit-hole didn't go down _too_ deep.

Aaanyways, getting back on topic… while I was wining and dining Hogback to the best of my abilities (which I'm guessing were pretty good, seeing as he hadn't tried to leave yet and Cindry hadn't commented on how he'd drunk two bottles while my glass was untouched) the rest of my friends were occupied with their own affairs.

Currently, Soundbite had retreated into his shell so as to try and pierce the veil of the fog, Usopp and Lassoo were whiling away the time flicking napkin-footballs across the table at one another (picture perfect field goals every time, of course), Robin was laid out on a plush red velvet fainting couch with her arm draped over her face, claiming she needed a quick nap to recuperate from the island's _teeeerrible_ airs, and Conis and Su were wandering around the border of the room separately, taking in the _impressive_ pieces of art that adorned the room, from paintings to statues to suits of armor to gargoyles. Of course, Cindry _had_ started to get on their case's about insisting on poking every little thing and leaping on every piece of furniture respectively, but she'd dropped it after Conis had stated that Skypieans had a more tactile appreciation for art and Su had said she needed the exercise.

These reasons were all, of course, steaming piles of _Sea King shite._

In reality, Soundbite and Robin were cooperating in order to properly map out every last inch of the dining room, acquiring its layout, secret passages, and tagging any zombies that could be hiding themselves in plain sight. Conis was aiding in that endeavor via her prodding, giving away the zombie's locations by prodding them and causing them to twitch—which was a good thing, too, because as evidenced by the aforementioned various art, compared to the literal half dozen from canon, we were in the middle of a potential ambush. Su was merely waiting for Soundbite and Robin to give her her objective's location, and Usopp and Lassoo… well, actually, they really _were_ whiling away the time, but mark my words, their game of finger football was _vital_ to our success!

Now it was all just a question of—

" _ **Foxhole acquired,"**_ Soundbite hissed in my ear.

—check that, looks like go-time was now-time.

" _Do it,"_ I hissed right back, though it wasn't Soundbite I was aiming it at.

 _Completely_ by coincidence, Conis chose that moment to sidle up next to a suit of armor, leaning in close to examine it before recoiling with an exaggerated gasp. "Oh, _dear!_ It looks like your suit of armor has a dent in it! Oh, but don't worry, it's outwards! I'm fairly certain I can fix it."

"Please don't," Cindry deadpanned, with what I _swear_ was a hint of long-suffering to her voice.

"No no, really." Conis adopted an _ever_ so slightly too-innocent smile as she drew her fist back. "I _insist."_

And with that, her fist snapped forwards—

 _SKRANG!_

—and the armor's chestpiece went _flying_ , the arms and helmet hanging in place for a moment before smashing to the ground. _That_ was intentional. The chestpiece smashing into and bowling over the next suit over, however? _That_ was nothing short of gravy.

"Oops!" Conis gasped dramatically behind her hand, which she was using to hide her wide smile. "Sorry! Don't know my own strength sometimes!"

"I asked you not to." Yeah, now I _really_ wasn't imagining the exasperation in Cindry's voice.

"I thought she was out of the clumsy stage by now," Usopp groaned with all the composure of a master liar.

"Poor fool! She's a woman! They _never_ leave that stage! Fosfosfosfos!" Hogback wheezed, his blood-alcohol levels likely the reason behind his swaying.

"Very good, sir," Cindry droned before turning to leave the room. "Now, if you'll pardon me, I need to fetch a dustpan."

"Oh no, need to bother yourself, allow me," Robin sighed from her prone position, several arms blossoming on the armor pieces and starting to reassemble them.

"Oh, very nice. You're quite handy to have around."

Everyone paused to stare at Hogback, who was already thunking his forehead against the table. "Damn you, Absalom, you've infected me with your transparent sense of humor…" he grumbled. He then sat up with a groan, kneading his forehead. "Agh, and I'm already starting to get a hangover. We really should see about retiring…"

"Nonsense, sleep is for the weak!" I laughed exuberantly as I hastily refilled his glass. "Here, this'll kill your pain for you! And while you're drinking, I'll tell you all about a bit of fun our crew had a few weeks back involving a chicken, a quesadilla, and a chicken quesadilla."

 _That_ got the fat hog's attention, and he leaned in eagerly after taking a pull from his glass. "Oooh, tell me _everything!"_

In the midst of me regaling Hogback with yet another tale of our crew's antics (thank Drake and Hawkins for giving me a _lot_ of backlog to work with) and Robin noisily redressing the downed suits of armor, a single fact went unnoticed by the inhabitants of the manor.

A member of our party was missing, and more pressingly, they weren't the cause of it.

Eh, not like I could blame them. After all, who'd miss a single snarky ball of fur?

 **-o-**

Hidden away in the depths of the network of tunnels and passages that snaked throughout the manor's walls, a pair of spider-mouse hybrids were conversing idly as they awaited the signal to start their gruesome, morally deprived work with _equally_ depraved glee.

"Do you think Master Moriah will want any of the animals' shadows? Aside from the Dugongs, they're not really anything special if we take away the Devil Fruit powers," one of the mismatched abominations pondered, tapping its fingers together eagerly as it looked out into the parlor from a well-placed hole. "I mean, Hogback will probably want the doctor as a lab assistant or some such, but apart from that…"

"Honestly, I say it's fifty-fifty," his companion shrugged. "They're not that strong, no, but they're still shadows, and we can never have too many cold bodies. Though…" He adopted a flat look. "Unless I miss my guess, you're asking because you want permission to eat the white rat?"

"It's been so long since I've had _fresh_ meat…" the other zombie moaned, though he was quick to slap his cheeks. "Bah, dreaming won't get me a meal and we're off topic. Where were we?"

"Well, apart from your intended snack," the second arachnid-rodent rolled his eyes. "We have a total of four targets. Nico Robin's Devil Fruit powers mean she'll be a bit tricky, but I imagine with an ample distraction—!"

"Liiiiike knocking over a suit of armor to get everyone's attention?"

"Yes, yes, like that," the zombie dismissively replied. "With a distraction like that, we'll be able to completely blindside her and take her out before she has… time to… wait a second…" The mouse trailed off into confusion as his brain caught up with what he was hearing. "Since when do _female_ spider-mice exist?"

"Oh, they don't. 'Cause you see…"

Without warning, the zombie was suddenly wrenched around by its nose so that it was face to face with a snowy, pinch-eyed mask of fury.

"I'm not a mouse," 'Cottontail' Su hissed. That was the last thing the zombie heard before she shoved her paw into his mouth, forcing him to cough up a writhing mass of black a moment later.

The other zombie could only stare in horror as his friend's newly lifeless husk slumped to the floor of the passage. He started to stumble back before _freezing_ as Su snapped her gaze at him.

"And I sure as _hell,"_ she hissed, cracking an eye open for emphasis. "Am no _rat."_

That was all the poor (for a given definition of the word) zombie's nerves could take. It spun on its many heels and… well, it's hard to say _what_ it tried to do; run maybe, or perhaps even scream for its un-life. Honestly, it didn't matter, because whatever it tried to do, it failed to do it before Su was on him like white was on her, cramming her paw through its gap-toothed smile and liberating its unjustly acquired essence before it could issue so much as a peep.

Su took a moment to regain her breath before glancing into the room her friends were still in. "Snow White to Farmer Jeremiah, this is Snow White calling Farmer Jeremiah. Come in, Farmer Jeremiah."

She grinned impishly as Cross surreptitiously adopted what Soundbite had told her was called the 'Gendo Pose' in order to hide how rigid his smile had become. " _This is Farmer Jeremiah kindly asking you to_ blow it out your ass," he bit out in her ear.

Su spared a moment to snicker to herself. "I've cleared the room of mice, and I'll take care of any others that head this way. Soundbite, any idea how many are left?"

" **Too many by** _ **half. You really think you CAN TAKE THEM ALL?"**_

"All at once and head-on?" Su snorted sardonically. "Doubtful. But one at a time, in a labyrinth of secret passages with a living noise detector for a… what was it again?"

" **GPS."**

"Right, that. Well…" Su allowed a downright _sadistic_ grin to slide across her muzzle. "They never caught me in Upper Yard, and they're as hell not gonna catch me down here. Their hodgepodge asses are _mine."_

" _Heh, fair enough. Good luck to you, Snow White."_

"Oh, I'm actually not going to be using that anymore. Call me…" Su slid her bandanna up over her muzzle. " _Solid Fox."_

"… _you've been spending entirely too much time with Soundbite."_

" **Preposterous! ON AN UNRELATED NOTE,** _ **one coming from the left."**_

Su didn't even hesitate to jump straight up into a passage perpendicular to the one she was in. A second later, a spider-mouse ran nose-first into the long-cool corpses of its comrades.

Before it could even gibber, Su dropped onto its abdomen and snagged its neck in a chokehold. "Shhh…" she whispered soothingly, even as she pried its struggling jaws open. "No no, no tears… only dreams now."

" _That. That right there is_ exactly _what I'm talking ab—!"_

" **Whoa, heads-up."**

 **-o-**

"Hm?" I glanced briefly at my partner's shell before resuming my casual look forward. "What is it?"

" _What it is, is that_ I JUST GOT CONFIRMATION _**from teams 2, 3 and 4.**_ **PHASE TWO COMPLETE WITH… one or two hiccups, but WE'RE GOOD TO GO."** He poked his eyestalks out of his shell and glared at Hogback, who totally missed it on account of how hard he was laughing. " _LET'S WASTE THESE DICKS."_

I hid the bloodthirsty way I was baring my teeth. "Gladly. But first…" I drifted my hand to my side. "Let's cement our credibility. Say, Doctor!" I piped up. Hogback's head snapped up as I slapped a grin on my face and loudly thunked my transceiver on the table. "What would you say to an interview on the world's most popular—!"

"And only," Robin commented airily.

"—and only," I conceded with a nod. "An interview on the world's most popular and only talk show? I mean, after all…" I waved my hand at him, wearing a forced but hopefully convincing endearing grin. "You _are_ one of the most famous people in the world, and you've been gone for twelve _years!_ I would be _remiss_ to pass up the chance to get an exclusive with you!"

While Hogback's expression rapidly morphed from one of surprise into one of eagerness, I had to hastily hide a smirk at the way Cindry _visibly_ twitched.

"Doctor Hogback, I'm sorry for speaking out of turn, but the hour has grown _quite_ late," Cindry bit out, a hollow tone of urgency underscoring her point. "If you'll kindly excuse yourself, I'll see that our guests are moved to…" I grinned even wider as she glared at me with what could have been scorn had it had even a spark of life to go with it. " _Appropriate_ accommodations."

"Oh, now now, no need for that," Hogback waved her off, bubbling with energy as he kept his eyes latched on my gateway to the world. "Don't be so stuffy, Cindry! It's just one little interview. And besides…" I barely kept my disgust off my face as his drunken stupor was suddenly replaced by a smirk of barely hidden malevolence. "What reason has a genius such as I for holding my anonymity, hmm? Why, in fact…" His smirk widened as he started stroking his chin. "I imagine that if I let the world know where I was, we'd get _faaar_ more visitors here at our humble abode. Doesn't that just sound _smashing?"_

Cindry's eyelid twitched minutely before she settled back in place, staring dead ahead. "Very good, sir," she droned. I was… actually quite surprised by the response. Thanks to my association with Soundbite, I was a bit more familiar with the nuances of the human voice than most. As such, I was able to hear the long-dead undertones of _shame_ lurking in Cindry's voice. Well, looks like either Cindry actually _was_ present in what remained of herself, or… Margarita, I believe? Was present in more than just her scorn for dinnerware.

Well, whatever it was, it wouldn't matter for much longer.

"Well, glad to hear it!" I bared my teeth at Hogback. "Just gimme _oooone_ second…" I hastily patted myself down for a pen and scribbled something down on a napkin, which I pocketed before grabbing at the box's mic, causing my friends in the room to tense in anticipation. "And let's get this party started!"

 **-o-**

"So, bringing this meeting to order," stated a Marine who looked like he hadn't gotten much sleep over the past couple of weeks. "We'll begin with the status reports."

Rear Admiral Brannew blinked blearily as he shuffled through his papers; he had received his 'promotion' to the recently created Straw Hat Anti-Fallout Task Force the day that the new bounties had been released into the Grand Line, for his 'years of faithful service'. He had come to realize over the past several weeks that in reality, it was just an excuse so that they could heap more work on his head. He _knew_ he should have checked that bounty-confirmation order with Sengoku, he just _knew it._

But still, he understood the higher ups' reasoning; with Jeremiah Cross responsible for so much damage already, they needed as much manpower as they could get to catalogue it. But that didn't make slogging through report after tedious report any more respectable or enjoyable. In fact, it was bad enough that he was finding a lot more comfort in the SBS broadcasts, which by unspoken agreement usually resulted in a pause to listen (and half the time, a bigger headache than he started with).

But either way, he had a meeting to provide answers for.

"According to compiled reports from the Four Blues and Paradise," Brannew sighed wearily. "Latest numbers say that approximately one-third of our bases have been left completely untouched since the Enies Lobby debacle due to the positive reputations that they've garnered in their nearest civilizations, and are in fact reporting a slow but constant growth in volunteer Marines enlisting into the Corps. Admittedly, we've had more than a few reports of…" He glanced to the side and he coughed into his fist. " _Discipline issues_ with them, particularly in Paradise, but fortunately, the new training grounds in Navarone are fully established and molding those recruits into proper Marines. In fact, washout rates and discipline issues have halved compared to Blackarm Island's old statistics. Spring Island climates leading to calmer temperaments and all that."

Brannew then allowed himself to sag slightly, an action that he would never have performed while handling his duties as a Commodore. "That's the extent of the good news, however. With the number of resignations over the last several weeks combined with combat losses, we've lost 15% of our forces in the Blues, and 20% of our Grand Line forces, and that means the _entire_ Line. 10% of the Blue bases have been overthrown, destroyed, or have defected, along with 8% of the Grand Line bases. A small percentage have even reported that they've ceded their affairs to…" He was silent for a bit before sighing wearily. " _Pirate governments."_

He waited for the groans that _always_ arose from the news of pirate-islands erecting themselves to die down before continuing. "More problematic than the losses in manpower and bases, though both are severe and will take considerable time to make good, is the loss in warships. Between the attack on Enies Lobby, the actions of the rookies recently dubbed 'Supernovas', the concurrent actions in the New World, and far too many mutinies, latest numbers say that we've lost thirty-seven of our 258 battleships, with another eleven requiring full rebuilds before they can be made seaworthy again. We have suffered similar loss rates in cruisers and unrated warships, though we haven't been able to account for all of them."

A wave of mutterings, before one officer spoke up. "That… doesn't sound so bad?"

Brannew glared down the offending officer, annoyed at both the interruption and the ignorance displayed. "Those losses represent a tremendous loss in our ability to directly control the sea. More importantly, Water 7's decidedly _hostile_ independence has cost us a full _fifth_ of our global shipbuilding capacity. While our ability to build battleships has not diminished, thanks to the decision to build them at Government-run shipyards only, this dramatically hurts our construction of smaller warships that are, if anything, even _more_ vital for sea control. Not to mention it costs us a major source of munitions and maritime supplies. I haven't run the numbers yet on how our reduced capacity will affect replacement of all those ships, but suffice to say that my preliminary estimates are grim."

The glare was extended to the rest of the room. "And before anyone suggests simply building more shipyards, I have here…" Reaching down, Brannew grabbed a massive stack of papers and slammed it onto the podium with a satisfying thud. "Every proposal from existing shipbuilders to expand their yards, including our own." Edging out a clipped sheaf from the stack, he gave it a waggle. "This is the proposal from the Government yards. It would take six years." He then tossed it behind him. "It would also cost the Government over ฿10 Billion, all of which would have to come out of the World Nobles' discretionary fund thanks to that _thrice-damned_ Bege. So _that's_ a non-starter."

The next set comprised almost half the stack. "These are most of the private proposals. They would take anywhere from seven to fifteen years to complete, come with mutually exclusive building rights contracts attached, and we'd need to sign multiple to get the capacity we need. The only point in their favor is that they won't cost us any money we wouldn't be spending anyway." The papers were stacked off to the side.

Reaching down, he pulled out another, thinner sheaf, holding it and its large-font first page up for everyone to see. "Here's the response we received from the Dordon & Sons Shipyards, situated in the New World, when we sent them a contract proposal."

One of the officers squinted at the paper before straightening in his seat, his eyes wide in disbelief. "…ah, sir, is this even anatomically possible?"

"It is if you're a Long-Arm."

"But… there aren't any Long-Arms in the Marine Corps, sir."

Brannew scowled as he crumpled up the paper. "Trust me, they're _fully_ aware of that."

Tossing that proposal with the Government one, Brannew pushed forward the thickest sheaf. "And finally, this is a proposal from Colvos Island to build an entirely new shipyard complex. It would take care of most of our capacity needs, and its location in East Blue means it should be easy to guard. It would take ten years to finish, but under the circumstances that's damn good time."

"What's the catch?" one of the officers nervously asked.

"Seeing as you apparently took notes during Cross's lecture, you can expect a raise," Brannew nodded approvingly. "The catch, of course, is that they have only half the money they need. The Government would need to provide the rest."

"And we can't afford that," the officer sighed.

"Exactly. So, before we move on, the floor is open for any possible solutions you may have."

Before anybody was forced to offer a suggestion on how to help stop an entire military's shipbuilding infrastructure from imploding, they all were rescued by a sound the world now knew by heart.

" _Don don don don!"_

"Hold your thoughts," Brannew sighed as he reached for the receiver. "We'll spare a couple of minutes to see if this is something more demanding of our attention."

The officers nodded and turned their attention towards the snail.

"— _seven, eight, nine O'Leary, ten O'Leary, gooot it! Ah, it's wonderful to see such a rapid response. Hello once again, people of the world! Jeremiah Cross, here as always—"_

" _ **Accompanied by Soundbite—"**_

" _Personally welcoming you all… to the one and only SBS."_

There was a single second of silence in which all of the Marine officers stiffened. Then Brannew broke it with a slam of his palm on the table.

"Meeting adjourned," he stated. "Half of you start transcribing this, the other half prepare the task force for running damage control. I want our battleships ready to sail within the hour."

The Rear Admiral shoved his seat back from the table as he stood up. "The Voices of Anarchy are speaking another island's eulogy, and I want to us to be there _before_ there's nothing left of the place but _ashes."_

The other officers all rushed to obey.

Brannew stared after them for a moment before hanging his head and groaning. "Just another _wonderful_ day in the Grand Line…"

 **-o-**

"Today's show is going to be _quite_ the spectacle," I promised my viewers, eagerness roiling in my gut like a live serpent. "And considering our track record, you _know_ that's saying something. To kick off our line-up, we have an interview with an individual whom I'm told the global scientific and medical community is _very_ interested in." I held my mic out to my eagerly awaiting 'guest'. "Care to introduce yourself?"

"Oooh, yes yes yes, I _very_ much would!" the 'good' doctor declared as he leaned forward into the receiver. "Ah, to imagine that I would be given access to such a wondrous pulpit firsthand, rather than merely calling in! Ah, but enough digression!" He drew himself up to what height he had, his chin raised proudly. "People of the world, I am Doctor Huberto P. Hogback! For those of you who are of less, eh…" He took a moment to think about it before shrugging dismissively. " _Educated_ upbringings, I am—" To what little credit he had, Hogback barely even twitched, and he certainly didn't miss a beat. "—one of the most acclaimed doctors the world over! It is an absolute _pleasure_ to be here with you all today!"

I nodded in agreement as he sat back down. Then I slowly rolled my joints in preparation to speak. "To elaborate for those who are unaware, Doctor Hogback has been secluded from the public eye for the past twelve years. This interview will be his first public appearance in that time, and believe me when I tell you that it is my…" I lapsed into silence for a moment, stretching the corners of my mouth wide, putting every last one of my teeth on display. "Utmost _honor_ to elucidate on just what Doctor Hogback has been working on all this time.

"Ah, but first!" I snapped my finger up, causing the doc to blink in confusion. "We're currently in the middle of having dinner, prepared by the Doctor's _lovely_ maid, one Victoria Cindry. Spectacular food, truly, and I'd _dearly_ love some seconds, but ah…" I donned a sheepish grin. "If I might make a _humble_ request of our esteemed hostess?"

The undead maid-nee-actress graced me with her usual neutral look. "And what would that be, sir?"

I paused before answering, taking a second to glance around and confirm that my crewmates were all ready; the next phase relied on getting this _perfect._ But seeing as they were all in position, I spared a final glance between Usopp and the female zombie still standing at Hogback's side before opening my mouth.

"Could I have it served," I said with the utmost casualness. "On a _plate?"_

As expected, the actress turned to me with her eyes narrowed, opening her mouth to begin a tirade—

—and then slapped a hand to her throat and gagged as she inadvertently swallowed something that flew down her esophagus. Something small, triangular, papery… and _chock-full of salt._

In the same moment, Lassoo snapped his head up and spat a pellet of halite straight into the yet-open mouth of the mounted boar head on the wall, which suddenly sprang to life and started gagging as well.

Their writhing didn't last long. Within _seconds,_ Zombies 269 and 400, AKA Buhichuck and Victoria Cindry, both collapsed to the floor as their ill-acquired shadows roiled from their gaping mouths, their second leases on life _revoked._

Hogback blinked slowly as he took in what had just occurred. "…Cindry?" he breathed. _Then_ the gears all clicked into place and he shot to his feet with a pained howl. " _CINDR—_ ARGH!"

The fat hog's scream was cut off by me shooting from my seat and ramming my forearm into his windpipe, pinning him in his chair. Soundbite then leapt into motion. Literally, he jumped off my shoulder and landed squarely on Hogback's baldspot, leering down at the bastard.

"Keep struggling," I snarled tersely. "And your genius brain is as good as _jelly."_

" _Hoo. Hoo. …hoo?"_ Soundbite's dry-as-plaster laughter trailed off into confusion as he glanced around the room. I joined him and quickly realized what was wrong: we were still in a dining room, _not_ a battlefield. Which, obviously, wasn't right. Seriously, I knew that cutting off the heads of their chain of command in the room would be effective, but this was a bit much.

"Uh… okay, hang on, gimme a second…" I held up a finger as I tried to think of a decent trigger.

" _Lemme guess, they're not moving, huh?"_ Su's impish and disembodied voice chuckled in the air. " _Here, broadcast me, I'll light a fire under their asses."_

" **You're live!"** Soundbite promptly informed her.

" _Great! Now, then…"_ She coughed for a second before raising her voice to a yowl. " _BRING IT THE HELL ON, YOU PATHETIC PACK OF PATCHWORK_ PALAVERS!"

That did the trick: in less than a _second,_ the room all but literally leapt to life. Paintings tore out of their frames (or dragged them with them), half the statues and suits of armor in the room leapt off their pedestals, brandishing their weapons, the gargoyles fell from the chandelier, and much to my consternation, the dining table was flipped when the bearskin rug reared up on its flattened paws and roared. That was disappointing, because honestly, plates or no, that was some _damn_ good ravioli.

Ah, well. At least the spectacle that ensued more than made up for my loss.

And what a spectacle indeed. Ah, how best to put it, how best to put it… eh, simplicity holds its own beauty: My crewmates went _Matrix_ on their revenant-asses.

To elaborate, Lassoo, Usopp, and Conis went back-to-back-to-back, arranging themselves in a triangle and blasting out a barrage of shot after salty shot around the room in a scene straight out of the Wachowski Brothers' vivid imaginations. Pellet after pellet of salt struck home with pinpoint accuracy, systematically and efficiently thinning the zombie horde. Gargoyles dropped out of the air, paintings faceplanted, and lifeless suits of armor bowled over their comrades as their heavy frames reverted to little more than ballistic corpses.

All fairness to the zombies, it wasn't like they were _just_ trying to swarm us. Several of them _tried_ to cover their mouths or slam their jaws shut, but Robin, yet to stir from her nonchalantly reclined position, handled their precautions with ease by blooming dozens of arms across the room that then proceeded to either wrench jaws open, rip hands away or tear helmets off, providing clear targets for our artillery experts, and artillery proper where Lassoo was concerned.

At that point, the zombies came to the understandable conclusion that their only hope really was to swarm us, and more annoyingly, that charging headlong at the people shooting them full of salt was perhaps not the best idea. Instead, they charged for the two people not shooting: me and Robin.

Chalk it up as the latest (and last) in a series of poor un-life choices. More hands sprouting from the floor immediately immobilized the zombies going for Robin (which was most of them) and wrenched their heads around so their mouths were facing Conis and Lassoo's artillery. Wham, bam, salted.

Several, though, were going for me. Thankfully, in order to get to me they had to run by Usopp, and if they thought presenting their sides to him would help, well, they clearly hadn't met Usopp. It was an amazing sight: our sniper was firing as fast as he could pull back his Kabuto, and he was _curving_ his shots, and yet each batch of salt went straight down a zombie's gullet.

Only one zombie actually made it into grabbing range: a red-clad female zombie dragging her painting behind her through the remains of the dinner table, knocking some of it towards me and somehow leaping up to grab for my face.

Instead, _my_ hand grabbed _her_ face.

"Impact," I said around my smirk as the zombie flailed. With its usual BANG!, the Impact Dial… blew the entire top half of the zombie's head off.

"Eurgh," I groaned, flailing my gauntlet to try and get some of the gunk off of it before tossing a salt pellet down the _thankfully_ still-intact throat. "Probably should've seen _that_ coming…"

" _Also,_ **I FEEL** LIKE _**we're missing something…"**_ Soundbite added thoughtfully.

"GROAAAAR!"

" _Right,_ THAT."

Despite the giant zombie bear rug looming over me, I didn't panic. See, I knew something it didn't. Leaning over, I picked up a little something that had been knocked my way when that painting zombie had come at me.

"Hey, Conis!" I called out, winding back my arm. "Catch!"

The bear rug zombie paused in its attack to watch the salt shaker fly through the air, leaving it wide open when Conis caught, loaded, and fired the shaker from her grenade launcher in one smooth motion. The rug collapsed back into a rug as she put said shaker clean down his maw, accompanied by a shadow wafting up into the sky.

And just like that, the room went silent, the newly freed shadows swirling and roiling about the ceiling in a mass of writhing black before seeming to squeeze their ways out of through cracks. It felt like a full minute before the silence broke.

"… is that all of them?" Usopp asked uneasily, strangling the shaft of his Kabuto.

"LEMME CHECK!" Soundbite leered eagerly before addressing the room. " **BRING OUT YER DEAD!"**

There was a moment of silence, and then a painting zombie pinned under a suit of armor's mass weakly raised its arm. "Ah'm not dead ye—!"

"Off the helmet aaaaand—!" I called, tossing out a pellet I was carrying. Said pellet bounced off the headgear I was aiming for as intended _and—!_

"GRK!"

"Nailed it!" I pumped my fist victoriously.

" _YOU KEEK A TOUCHDOWN!"_ Soundbite crowed.

"Yes, yes, all very well and good," Robin sighed as she sat up on her couch, stretching her arms above her head while a different set of the limbs grew along the seam of the door and linked grips, effectively sealing the only way out shut. "In other news, I can confirm that the room is secure. No way in, no way out."

" **AND NOBODY HEARD** _ **jack shit**_ _OF WHAT JUST WENT_ ON EITHER!" Soundbite informed me with a cackle. " _We're free and clear!"_

"Glad to hear it!" I smirked, flashing them all a thumbs-up.

"What…"

"Hm?" I turned my attention back to Hogback, who was rapidly starting to purple, and _not_ from how hard I was pressing down on his throat.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE BLEEDING STYX IS GOING ON?!" he… more squeaked than yelled.

I blinked at him before grinning 'pleasantly' and sitting back down in my seat, which Robin had been kind enough to right for me. "Oh, just a little bit of crowd control, that's all. Couldn't have your goons jumping us and interrupting our fun, after all. 'Cause you see, _Doctor_ Hogback…" I spat the name like the insult it was as I leaned my grin on my fist. "We're still going to have that interview, and it is going to be about the work you've been doing while you've been missing… but it's going to be the _truth."_ I jabbed my finger in his face. "The whole truth, the honest truth, the _only_ truth. And sure as heck not the two-bit bullshit you were planning on feeding the world."

And just like that, Hogback's attitude totally reversed, his indignant outrage draining away to pure, bowel-dropping _terror._ "W-What?" he breathed.

"You heard him, _Doctor."_

Hogback jumped in his seat, and twisted around to stare up at Robin as she leaned on the back of his seat, smiling down at him like a particularly demonic cat that had just bagged itself a rat.

"You're going to tell the world everything," she purred. "About this island, your endeavors here… and more importantly, about the involvement of your _master."_

Hogback was sweating like a stuck pig now, but I noticed that he was somewhat calmer. I could tell what he was planning, and that _certainly_ wouldn't do, so I subsequently withdrew the napkin that I'd written on beforehand and held it up for him to read.

' _Act like I'm holding up a script, and I'll turn Cindry into_ mulch.'

Hogback choked as he took in the words, his controlled facade crumbling in favor of shivering and gagging on his own tongue as he tried and failed to produce some kind of response. Finally, with what seemed like half his body's water content coating him in sweat, he gave me a pleading stare. "He will _kill me,"_ he managed, in a voice an octave above even his usual high tenor.

I chuckled dryly. "Ohhh, you poor degenerate bastard. You haven't realized yet? _He already has."_

Hogback tried to form a response to that, but he was too flustered for anything but confused fragments to come out. I casually leaned back in my chair, smirking at him as I gestured around the room.

"Twelve years you've been gone, Hogback," I drawled. "Twelve years, and no one has heard a word from you. And what do you have to show for it, hmm? Who knows where you are, what you've done? Your master may have provided you with the best possible outlet for your talents… but who's hearing about it? How can people praise you for your genius if they think you're _dead?_ You're alone here in the darkness, and if _he_ has his way, that's all you'll ever be. Nobody will ever know about your so-called greatest accomplishments."

The surgeon froze, even his fear stilling as my words sunk into his brain. I could see the conflict in his mind, his duty and loyalty to Moriah slamming headlong into and _buckling_ before the might of his titanic ego's wrath. When I saw that he was starting to tremble and fiddle with his glasses, I knew it was time to push him over the edge.

"Then again," I sighed with a cock of my head. "There's not really much to praise, is there?"

Hogback's focus snapped back to me so fast I _swear_ he must have given himself whiplash.

I leaned forward with a savage grin on my face, gesturing at my mic. "Go on, Hogback, tell them! Tell the world about what you consider the crowning achievement of your career! The _mockery of life_ you've created!"

And as the lens of Hogback's sunglasses _fractured_ under his fingers, I knew that I had won.

" _MOCKERY!?"_ the depraved physician bellowed as he tore out of his seat, somehow managing to make himself look imposing. "HOW _DARE_ YOU!? I AM THE GREATEST MEDICAL MIND IN ALL THE WORLD! GREATER THAN YOUR MANGY RUG OF A PET, BETTER THAN THAT DRAGON-BRAINED HACK VEGAPUNK, BETTER THAN THAT BUTCHER OF A BRAT TRAFALGAR, OR ANY TWO-BIT BACK ALLEY _QUACK_ WHO EVER SLITHERED OUT OF DRUM ISLAND! I AM… I AM…!"

"SAY IT!" I roared, shooting to my feet and shoving my face in his. "SAY IT, YOU POMPOUS HACK, _SAY IT!"_

"I AM THE GREATEST DOCTOR WHO EVER LIVED!" he screamed back. " _I AM THE DOCTOR THAT CONQUERED DEATH ITSELF!"_

 **-o-**

" _Yes, you heard me right, I conquered_ death!" Hogback laughed hysterically. " _No… nonono, more than that, I_ cured _death! I revealed it as the worthless_ disease _that it is, and has always been!"_

"It is… _truly_ amazing just how far a few choice words can push someone," Marigold breathed as she clenched and unclenched her grip on her naginata. "I have to agree with that Kokoro woman: I am _very_ glad that Cross is on our side."

"Nidhogg only knows what he'd have done to _us_ if he wasn't," Sandersonia muttered back, uneasily twisting her hair through her fingers.

"But… But resurrecting the _dead?"_ Marguerite protested, disbelief coloring her voice. "I-I realize that I've been sheltered living on Amazon Lily all my life, but…" She shook her head in denial. "Even by Grand Line standards, even with what you've told me of Devil Fruits, th-this sounds utterly _insane!"_

"Which is exactly why Cross had to ambush him _nyon,"_ Elder Nyon sighed grimly.

Marguerite and the Gorgon Sisters snapped confused looks at the recently accepted advisor of the Empress of Amazon Lily; a title which here meant that Hancock had stopped throwing Elder Nyon out the windows.

"Care to explain yourself, Granny?" the resident Warlord sniffed imperiously.

…quite as often, at any rate.

The Elder set her jaw with a dismissive _tsk._ "By starting the interview in his usual informal manner, Cross proved that Hogback's reaction was entirely natural, he _proved_ that this isn't just some stunt. Insane as this might sound, Hogback is saying what he is of his own volition. This…" She shook her head slowly. "Insane though it might be, this is all very, _very_ real."

"Great serpents above and below…" Marguerite breathed numbly.

" _I might have been little better than average in my science class, but my teachers sure as heck managed to cram the scientific method into my skull,"_ Cross continued coolly, venom bubbling just beneath the surface. " _So, Doctor Hogback… care to communicate your results and process?"_

" _Gladly!"_ Hogback spat back, arrogance packed into his every word. " _It's a_ simple _process, really! And it all begins with my master: the lord of the Undead Isle of Thriller Bark, the man long renowned as the 'Umbral Allfather'! The greatest wielder of the Shadow-Shadow Fruit to ever live, Gekko Moriah himself!"_

Salome suddenly hissed in pain when his mistress's fingers unconsciously crushed his coils beneath their suddenly steely grip.

"…I never did like that pale bastard," Hancock breathed quietly, unaware of how the rest of the women in the room were all on their knees and gasping for air.

 **-o-**

In his home in Bighorn, President Dalton shifted about uncomfortably as his country's surgeon general wrenched a song of tortured glass from the bottle she was strangling.

"Ah, Doctor Kureha, correct me if I'm wrong…" Dalton swallowed hesitantly. "But wasn't Doctor Hogback someone whose skills you acknowledged as equal to yours?"

 _CRACK!_

The bison-human flinched as Kureha's thumb snapped the neck of the bottle clean off.

"Yes," the witch doctor bit out tersely. "He _was._ I respected him for his abilities as a medical expert, and Chopper… Chopper looked up to him as a _hero_ of our practice." She then held her hand out, snatched the cup her Lapahn assistant offered her and poured a glass, snarling all the while. "But I have the distinct impression that his idealized image of the man has been shattered, and that language of his means that mine isn't far from doing the _exact same_ _thing."_

Before anything further could be said, Cross piped up. " _Devil Fruit involvement,"_ he sighed heavily. " _Dunno what else I could have been expecting."_

" _Fosfosfosfos! Yeeees, the abilities granted by the Devils of the Sea are quite incredible, aren't they?"_ Hogback all but _giggled,_ his temperament lightening as he delved into a topic of passion. " _Ah, but I do believe that this is truly an application of abilities to trump all others! For you see, Master Moriah has discovered many ways through which he can manipulate the shade… but his most innovative is to liberate others of their umbral selves!"_

Kureha and Dalton both tensed as they parsed the meaning of the words.

"He… _steals_ people's shadows…" Dalton breathed.

Kureha ground her teeth as she snapped her fingers, prompting her assistant to dig out a _pair_ of bottles that he handed to both her and the president. "And it somehow ties into this resurrection business. _Lovely."_

" _What you must understand is that shadows are with us our entire lives,"_ Hogback ranted, buried in the depths of his own 'genius'. " _Our entire lives are imprinted into them: our personalities, our mindsets, our abilities! They are, in essence, an external copy of our very beings! Astral projections of the soul! And Master Moriah, he can coalesce that projection into a corporeal form! On their own, shadows can be implanted into living beings and thus impart the knowledge they've acquired upon the subject, but sooner or later the subject's_ actual _soul rejects the implanted shadow, and forces them out! Ahhh… but what of subjects_ without _souls of their own, hmmm? What of those who are_ empty _inside? When a shadow is implanted into those devoid of the spark of life, that void is filled, and they return to life anew!"_

 _SMASH!_

Dalton ignored both the liquor dripping through his fingers and the glass embedded in his palm. "He's stealing shadows…" the normally calm man bit out. "And putting them in _corpses."_

"That bastard's not resurrecting the dead," Kureha snarled, shooting to her feet, grabbing the snail and punching in the numbers of as many doctors as she knew. "He's _animating_ dead _bodies!"_

 **-o-**

" _You're making zombies,"_ Cross stated, his voice as dry as a desert.

" _Pfheh,"_ Hogback scoffed dismissively. " _Zombies, revenants, the walking-bloody-dead. Whatever you want to call them, the fact remains that I have accomplished what countless other_ inferior _doctors have utterly failed to do: I've breathed_ life _into the_ un-living!"

"Fascinating, truly fascinating!" Caesar Clown breathed, furiously scribbling in a notebook as he kept his attention cemented on the snail before him. "Ah, I always knew that Doctor Hogback was utterly brilliant in his field, but to think that his genius could have reached such heights over the years!" He threw his gaseous head back and cackled. "SHURORORORO! This may be my favorite SBS to date!"

" _But… hang on a second…"_ the Straw Hats' gunner spoke up. " _We were just assaulted by a_ host _of zombies! And out of all of them, the only one that looked remotely like a human was Cindry, and even she was covered in stitches! But the rest… they were feasibly disguised as hunting trophies, paintings, gargoyles… even the_ bearskin rug _was a zombie! These aren't corpses, they're… Su was right, these are patchwork_ things!"

" _Yet more examples of my unmistakable genius!"_ Hogback preened. " _To merely resurrect individuals into rotting husks would be nothing short of grievous negligence! As such, before Master Moriah imparts a new shadow unto a corpse, I perform my due diligence by crafting their bodies into the best states for them to perform their duties! They are truly exemplary samples of creation! Perfection incarnate!"_

"Brilliant, brilliant, _brilliant!"_ Caesar repeated extravagantly, pen all but tearing the paper with how fast he was writing. "Ah, it's tragic that he doesn't stand a chance against the Straw Hats, but at least in his final moments as an esteemed doctor, he's imparting _some_ fragments of his genius. Fare thee well, Hogback! The world knows thee too much! SHURORORORO!"

 **-o-**

" _Wait, their_ 'duties'?" Cross's gun Lassoo piped up, a snarl slowly seeping into his voice. " _Hang on… Moriah… controls shadows, and they're living_ through _their shadows… son of a bitch, they're not actually alive, they're just_ puppets! _Slaves to Moriah, slaves to_ you!"

" _Feh! You act as though free will is some prerequisite for animation. They walk on their own two feet, they speak their minds, they even have their own personalities! They are perfectly alive!"_

" _An existence without the ability to make one's own choices. Living a life you have no choice_ but _to live."_ Nico Robin's voice dripped with icy contempt. " _Trust me,_ Hogback. _I have the authority here to tell you that that is not living."_

" _Tch,"_ Hogback glanced away with a harsh scoff. " _One person's opinion."_

" _Corroborated by the actions of another,"_ Cross hissed coolly. " _I read magazines, Hogback, I've seen pictures, I know the truth. I_ know _who Cindry really was before_ you _got your hands on her."_

" _You leave her out of this!"_ Hogback hissed back, his expression a mask of scorn.

"Heeere we go…" Trafalgar Law chuckled grimly, his fingers tapping out a staccato beat on his blade's hilt.

"Eh?" Shachi glanced at his captain in confusion. "What do you mean, boss?"

"Cross is done building him up, now he's actively _winding_ him up," Law smirked. "And once he's done? Hogback's going to blow his shit, and he's going to do it in front of the whole damn _world."_

The rest of the Heart Pirates all blinked at him in surprise before slowly turning grins ranging from savage to eager on their slightly freaked snail.

"I _really_ love these guys," Penguin chuckled.

 **-o-**

" _This has everything to do with her!"_ Cross snapped back at the doctor. " _You stole her corpse from her grave! You forced a shadow into her, made her body move against her will! I saw pictures of her, saw her smile! But while she was still moving, I never saw her smile even once! Has she smiled even once in the past twelve_ years!?"

" _Shut the hell up!"_ Hogback snarled.

"Like hell!" Nojiko cheered, pumping her fist in the air. "Come on, Cross, you haven't shut up even once in the past few months, no matter how much anyone's tried to make you! Don't stop now!"

"MAKE THAT MONSTER REGRET EVERY INSTANT OF HIS DISGRACEFUL LIFE!" Genzo bellowed in outrage.

" _Then what about the shadows, huh?"_ Conis broke in, her scowl showing her to be angrier than the world had ever seen her. " _You yourself said that they're integral parts of our beings! There have to be consequences to stealing them! And these zombies… they have_ serial numbers _on them! And the highest I can see is Cindry's! Four hundred! Four_ hundred _people's shadows, unjustly stolen from them! How many more are there? Who did you take them from!?"_

" _Criminals, of course!"_ the 'doctor' scoffed, but the tension in his voice was still steadily mounting. " _Master Moriah is a Warlord, it's his job to hunt the scum of the seas! We acquire the best skills from criminals such as you! From pirates, from Revolutionaries, from—!"_

" _But you still need to turn in heads to the Marines, and_ that _means you can't take all their shadows!"_ Cross growled in interruption. " _And if they're not all criminals, then you wouldn't have so many after twelve years. No… no, you're getting more on the side! You're not just stealing shadows from the best criminals, you're stealing them from_ everyone! _You've stolen from the Marines! Hell, you've even stolen from_ civilians, _haven't you, you fat_ bastard?!"

" _THOSE WORTHLESS GNATS SHOULD FEEL HONORED FOR CONTRIBUTING TO MY EVERLASTING MASTERPIECE!"_

"Whoa!" Genzo and Nojiko reeled back from their snail in shock, on account of it all but _exploding_ in outrage.

" _AND WHAT A MASTERPIECE IT IS!"_ Hogback continued to rant, on the verge of outright frothing. " _I'VE CREATED DOZENS,_ HUNDREDS _OF ZOMBIES OVER THE PAST TWELVE YEARS! DO YOU COMPREHEND WHAT I'M SAYING, YOU SIMPLETON?!"_

"Cross's big mouth is the most dangerous weapon in the world," Chabo stated, wincing as he dug a finger in his ear. "In more ways than one."

 **-o-**

" _I'VE CREATED AN ARMY! AN ARMY OF SOLDIERS THAT KNOW NO FEAR, THAT KNOW NO PAIN, KNOW NO DEATH! THE SINGLE MIGHTIEST ARMY ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET! MIGHTIER THAN THE EMPERORS, MIGHTIER THAN THE MARINES, AND ABOVE ALL ELSE, MIGHTIER THAN YOU AND THE RAGTAG BAND OF MISFITS YOU CALL A PIRATE CREW! YOUR FATE WAS SEALED THE MOMENT YOU SET FOOT UPON THESE PROFANE SHORES!"_

"Maneuvering exercises, everyone! We need to be ready to turn on a dime! Check the sails! Check the rudder! _Check to make sure Attachan is looking for Moriah's old poster and anything we have on Hogback!"_

"Ah, b-but Rear Admiral Brannew, sir!"

"Hm?" The newly promoted bounty-officer paused in his barking of orders to glance at his subordinate. "Yes, what is it, Master Chief Petty Officer?"

"W-Well, sir…" the officer stammered. "I realize that what Doctor Hogback has done… _is doing_ is…" He scowled grimly. " _Morally repugnant…_ But the point remains that this task force was established for the sole purpose of tracking down the Straw Hat Pirates. We… We don't _run_ maneuvering exercises!"

Brannew was silent for a moment before allowing himself a smirk. "Orders from above our pay grade say different. I just got confirmation from Vice Admiral Garp himself."

"Ah…" The officer blinked in surprise. "W-What? Seriously?"

"Seriously," Brannew nodded, turning his head away in order to hide the vicious smirk that was creeping across his face. "And if anyone comes asking, I have the paperwork to prove it."

' _Turnabout is fair play, you old Monkey bastard.'_ The Rear Admiral then spared a glance at the snail on deck. ' _And at least it gives me an excuse to leave the younger Monkey bastard be. That's one island I think I don't mind them burning.'_

 **-o-**

"AT THIS POINT, THERE'S ONLY _ONE_ QUESTION THAT REMAINS!" Hogback roared in my face, struggling against the half-dozen arms that were holding him in his seat. "AND THAT QUESTION IS JUST _WHAT_ WE'LL DO TO YOU ONCE WE'VE GROUND YOU INTO THE MUD LIKE THE PATHETIC _SWINE_ YOU REALLY ARE! WHETHER YOU'LL BE FORCED TO COWER IN DARKNESS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WHILE YOUR SHADOW RETURNS MY CINDRY TO ME, OR IF I'LL HAVE THE HONOR OF LAYING YOU DOWN ON MY SLAB SO THAT I CAN RIP OUT YOUR TONGUE _AND STUFF IT DOWN THE GULLET OF YOUR PET PEST!"_

I blinked slowly, still reeling from the sheer force of the outburst. "…holy _shit_ , dude."

Props to Hogback, I had _not_ seen that rant coming. I mean, I expected _a_ rant, but this? I'd had to both fight back a smirk to keep from giving the game away too early _and_ ensure I didn't have a minor loss of bowel control. Still, we'd already won: he'd dug his own grave and all I'd had to do was hand him a shovel.

Hogback took a minute his breath back before glancing around at us, his face twisted in a rictus snarl. "Now, I believe it's time that you met Master Moriah. I can only imagine that your assorted shadows and corpses will be among the most valuable new additions… to… our… why are you all looking at me like that?" he trailed off.

"I believe the more accurate question would be _what_ we're looking at," Robin said in a glacial tone. "In my personal opinion, I'd say… scum."

"Tyrant," Conis spat.

"Moron," Lassoo contributed.

"Monster," Usopp bit out.

"Royally screwed?" I offered thoughtfully.

"Dead man walking," concurred—thaaaat wasn't one of us.

We all sloooowly turned our gazes upward to behold the pink-haired gothic Lolita hovering above us, glaring down at Hogback as though he were a particularly repugnant insect.

"Especially," Perona continued, shaking her head in disgust. "Once Master Moriah hears about _this_ particularly _monumental_ fuck-up."

"P-P-P-Perona, I-I—" Hogback stammered, his fingers squashing together and cold sweat cascading down his face.

" _Shut the hell up,_ you stupid, insufferable, _arrogant_ little man," the Ghost Princess coldly interrupted. "You've said and _done_ enough already. Until this moment, I never would have believed it were possible for anyone else in the world to have as big a mouth and as apathetic a view to the consequences of their actions as the hosts of the SBS. But you have now proven me wrong."

"W-W-What are you—!?"

"You just told the _world_ what we've been doing, you monumental _idiot!"_ Perona shrieked, shoving her astral face into Hogback's. "Our situation was already bad enough before you started spilling your guts; not only are the _Straw Hat Pirates_ invading Thriller Bark while we're still licking our wounds from Drake and Hawkins, but the _Humming goddamn Swordsman_ just came back at the same time as them, meaning that not only is our usual playbook in the toilet, but _they_ _know how to defeat our zombies!"_

"Salt, by the way!" I announced with a shit-eating grin. "Or even salt-water! Sea prism stone most likely cuts it too! The shadow-corpse bond is tenuous at best, and all it takes is a wee little snap to break it!"

"SHUT UP AND WAIT YOUR TURN, YOU RAGING _BASTARD!"_ she roared over her shoulder before resuming her tirade at the now sweat-soaked surgeon. "As I was saying, we've been _played!_ I've been spending the past half hour chasing that perverted asshat all through the stinkin' forest! Your one saving grace is that the Swordsman was dumb enough to snatch up a Transponder Snail somewhere and stick it in his jacket; otherwise, I wouldn't have heard the SBS! Unfortunately, seeing as I'm still too damn late to the party…"

She spread her arms, and a quintet of smiling Negative Hollows coalesced and started swirling about, cackling in their spectral tones as Perona grinned sadistically. "It falls to _me_ to clean up your mess. Honestly? I think the _one_ bright spot in this whole shitfest is that _if_ you survive what Master Moriah does to you once he finds out what you've done, you'll owe me until you're on your _own_ slab. Anyway… you've done a lot of damage… buuut I'd bet that the World Government will be able to pardon it if we hand them the Straw Hat Pirates. Now then, _NEGATI_ —eh?"

Perona cut herself off as she glanced down at her quarry, i.e. us. The _reason_ for her distraction was that we were… _kiiinda_ sorta occupied with other affairs at the moment. Affairs concerning the dining room table and its contents, to be precise.

"Lassoo, stop eating all the ravioli!" Usopp objected.

"Why? I don't see any of you willing to eat food off the floor," the dachshund huffed, continuing to gobble down the dislodged pasta.

"Here, Usopp, there's still some mushrooms over here," Conis offered.

"…Have I really never told you even once over the last couple of months that I hate mushrooms?"

"Is there any vanilla ice cream left?" I asked hopefully, scouring the area.

"To your left, Cross," Robin gestured, her many arms already gathering a cup and a pitcher to pour herself a drink.

"Oh, yeah, thanks! Good thing Cindry didn't have an issue with cartons. Oh, and the salad's still pretty intact, too."

" **Yay!"** Soundbite cheered. " _But, ah… THERE'S NOT ANY_ _ **SALT IN IT from all that**_ **fighting,** IS THERE?"

I looked over the leaves, frowning in contemplation. "Nah, I think it's safe. But if you'd rather not take the risk, I can just eat it my—"

"STOP IGNORING ME, YOU LOUD-MOUTHED SON OF A—!" Perona started to howl with all the rage of a woman pose—! _PFHAHAHAHA!_ Haaaaa, I love how that shit just lines up… anyway, back to work!

"I'd recommend saving your strength, Perona," I interrupted. I then proceeded to grin up at her, and despite herself, she actually seemed nervous at the look on my face. "After all… I don't know how much longer you'll be a _fake_ ghost."

"Wh-Wh-What?" the princess stuttered, her face paling quite nicely.

I widened my grin to sadistic levels. "Did you know," I started tauntingly. "That our whole crew recently acquired bounties? Epithets, too. Our doctor's particularly proud of his." I then made a show of putting my finger to my ear. "'Spark of Genius', Tony Tony Chopper, status report."

" _ **I~ spy~ with my little eye~"**_ Chopper's demented voice sang as it bounced around the room. " _ **A sma~ll room within a ma~ssive floor filled~ with pillars. And in the bed that's in that room, a gothic Lolita lies, utterly dead to the world. My initial diagnosis?"**_

Soundbite's grin practically split his face in half, and his eyes shone with cyan insanity.

" _ **This should be… FUN."**_

I had just enough time to see Perona's face completely drain of color before she shot through the walls, shrieking like a positively _unearthly_ banshee.

 **-o-**

"—ONONONONONO _NOOOOOOOOOO!"_

Perona capped off her panicked shrieking as she tore into her room like a bat out of hell, slamming herself through and into her body as fast as she could manage. The impact was forceful enough that she actually tumbled backwards on her bed, slamming her back into and plastering herself against the headboard. She panted frantically, darting her gaze to and fro to spot any mad-eyed reindeers preparing to do hell-knows-what to her body.

In her mind, Hogback could go hang for all she cared on account of her panic being _wholly_ justified. After all, she was the only female on the island (with a pulse, anyway) whose location was common knowledge to the likes of Hogback and Absalom. That is, a demented death-obsessed (and she suspected necrophiliac, _UGH)_ surgeon doctor and a superhumanly strong and _invisible_ pervert. Her room was the best hidden and most reinforced, to the point that it would take a barrage of _explosives_ to breach it.

So the idea that an _enemy_ psycho-doctor could be looming over her feeble, innocent body and ready to do who knows what to it? The irony was not lost on the Ghost Princess that the whole situation was her worst nightmare come to life.

Or, then again, her adrenaline-addled mind slowly conceded as she looked around and fully took stock of her room, maybe not.

Because as she looked around at her pink-and-plush-filled room, she slowly came to accept that, at first blush, nothing of hers was disturbed. Not a sheet, not a doll, nothing. It was… totally…

"Horohorohoro…" Perona allowed a relieved chuckle to whoosh out of her, the panicked energy draining from her body. For good measure, she pulled up the nearest plushie she could grab and buried her face in its fluffy top hat with an ecstatic giggle. "It was just a trick… oh, thank _God_ it was just a trick… I'm going to make that big-mouthed bastard _pay_ for almost making me piss myself, _but oh my God I'm so happy it was just a tri—!"_

In that instant, two separate things hit Perona at once.

First, she didn't _own_ any plushies that wore top hats.

And second, a sharp prick in her neck, and a numbing sensation to go with it that killed her nascent panic cold.

" _Night-night,_ _ **princess,**_ " taunted Tony Tony Chopper.

As darkness invaded Perona's perception of reality, a final thought managed to run through her head before Morpheus claimed her.

' _Why… did it have… to be… the… Straw…?'_

 **-o-**

I chuckled grimly as I made a show of examining my armored fingertips. "Remind me, Soundbite: what was it you said back in Alabasta, when I tricked Miss Friday into thinking that a simple mug was a grenade?"

" **That would be,** _you are DA BLUFF MASTAH!"_ Soundbite chuckled.

"W-What are you talking about!? What did you just do?" Hogback demanded incredulously. "O-Once she gets her hands on your friend—!"

" _Status update, Cross: sedative injected. Perona is dead to the world. Exactly as you planned,"_ Chopper's voice said, causing Hogback to fall into a wordless wheeze.

"I love hearing those words," I nodded before looking back at Hogback. "We couldn't guarantee that the Hollow-Hollow Fruit wouldn't _actually_ turn her into a real ghost, and besides that, we don't like killing, period. Much more reliable to trick her into returning to her corporeal form and then locking her inside her own flesh, ne?"

"Ge-bwuh-vrgrgh…" I _think_ Hoggy's brain was kinda sorta fried by this point. Good thing we had a way of snapping him back to reality!

"Now, then!" I said, eagerly clapping my hands together. "Real quick tangent here… Chopper, Hogback is directly in front of me. Anything that you'd like to say to him?"

Chopper didn't answer at first, and the silence stretched on, to the point where it actually became kinda sorta uncomfortable.

Astoundingly, Hogback actually had the audacity to swallow heavily and speak up. "Ah… t-t-this is Doctor Chopper, yes? D-Doctor Tony Tony Chopper? I-I've listened to segments on the SBS before, I-I-I really must say, y-y-your work on, on handling the short-term effects of c-c-concussions is revolutionary! M-M-Might I offer you some advice, a-a-about—?"

"' _I will remember'."_

Hogback choked off when Chopper suddenly spoke up, his voice utterly devoid of emotion.

"' _That there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug'. That's only a piece of the oath, Hogback. Only a fragment of the oath that you and I both swore, but I feel like it's particularly pertinent in this specific instance."_

"I-I, t-t-that's—!" Hogback tried to stammer out.

" _That oath is long and winding, and it has a lot of sections and specifics to it… but in the end, it all boils down to three simple words: Do. No. Harm."_

 _That_ actually got a snarl out of Hogback, bristling like a startled boar. "Oh, and _you're_ innocent of breaching medical ethics, you _literal_ rugrat?" he spat. "I tested out a few of your formulae! Your explosives aren't exactly what I'd call 'traditional medicine', and that alter-ego of yours isn't very conducive to an appropriate 'bedside manner' either!"

" _Wrong, Hogback,"_ Chopper frigidly countered. " _I didn't forget my oath, I found one that takes precedence: my_ flag. _Out here on the sea, we doctors can't afford to be so lax. We need to put preventing harm coming to our friends_ before _undoing it. And in the pursuit of that duty, all bets are off; no limits that cannot be crossed, no actions that will not be undertaken."_

"…And what is your rationalization for holding _anything_ against me if you believe that?" Hogback demanded. "If rules are to be trampled upon when necessary, what is your argument against what I've done? Why would you not attempt something just as 'monstrous' yourself!?"

For a long moment, Chopper was silent, and I almost worried that he didn't have an answer.

" _Because even as I step beyond my oath,_ _**I have others to bring me back."**_

Hogback squealed in terror as Chopper's voice took on a _distinct_ overtone of madness that was nonetheless appropriately chained and shackled.

" _ **Even in my… shall we say, enhanced state, my crewmates, my**_ **friends** _**are the one line I**_ **refuse** _ **to cross,"**_ Chopper continued coldly. " _ **And more importantly, they are the ones who bring me back when I do teeter on that precipice. How long has it been, Hogback, since you could say that? Have you**_ **ever** _ **been able to say that?"**_

Hogback spluttered indignantly as he tried to formulate a response.

" _ **Do you recognize the best part of being a pirate doctor, Hogback?"**_ Chopper forged on, his frigid calm thawing into blazing outrage with his every word. " _ **I imagine you do, seeing as you've liberally practiced it over the past twelve years, but let me say it anyway: there are no limitations on how we choose to apply our skills. Be it for good or for ill, our knowledge can be utilized as either a tool or a weapon at our own discretion. But where you chose to abuse your skills, where you**_ **maliciously** _**broke your oath on the backs of the innocent people you were supposed to help, I FULLY INTEND TO BREAK**_ **MY** _ **HIPPOCRATIC OATH**_ **CLEAN OVER YOUR HEINOUS CRANIUM THE MOMENT I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!"** Our doctor finished in an animalistic _roar_ of fury, his sheer hatred so loud and so prominent that it shook the very walls of the room.

We were stuck in stunned silence until I finally got the wherewithal to shoot a deadly grin at the by now half-dead hog, who was currently trembling in his chair. "I've honestly never heard him this pissed before now. In a word?"

" _YOU BE SCROOD,_ **dood!"** Soundbite cackled ecstatically.

Hogback's jaw worked itself silently for almost a solid minute before he finally raised his head to give me a dead look. "When Master Moriah finds out what you've done," he breathed listlessly. "There will be no force on this planet that will be able to save you."

The fact that I could _hear_ how he barely even believed in that statement? Glorious beyond all words.

I put on a show of thinking intently before shooting another soul-crushing smirk his way. "Then we'll just need to make sure that 'Master Moriah' doesn't find out about this, won't we?" I put my finger to my ear before he could respond. "Boys, how we doin'?"

" _Just waiting on the guests of honor…"_ Leo breathed before allowing a grin to slide across his face. " _And here they come and here we go."_

 **-o-**

"MASTER!"/"MASTER MORIAAAH!"/"IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP, MASTER!"

This was the three-part chorus being caterwauled by the diminutive zombies Nin, Bao and Gyoro as they tore into the quintuple-XL sized bedroom that the island's master was sleeping away the night in.

"Master, Master!" the blue samurai, Bao, hollered at the top of his lungs as he hopped in place. "We've got guests! It's time for you to wake up! Wake up!"

"Gotta pop the bubble, gotta pop the bubble!" The yellow bucket-head, Gyoro, spun one arm eagerly as he pointed at Gekko Moriah's colossal snot-bubble with the other. "Pop it, Nin, pop it!"

"You got it!" the pinkish archer, Nin, nodded eagerly. He unslung his bow, nocked an arrow and drew it back in a second. "C'mon, Master! Time to wake—!"

It was at that exact moment that everything went _wrong._

 _SLAM!_

More specifically, it all started with the double-doors to the room getting slammed shut behind the trio, each zombie snapping their heads around to look.

"Eh—?"/"Wha—?"/"Hu—?"

That was all the three midgets managed to get out before they were frozen, both by shock and by the cold steel they could feel on both the front and back of their necks.

"Medusa Mitigation," Leo intoned, glaring bloody murder at the undead over his crossed arms. Then, in a single surge of strength, he _un-_ crossed his arms—

 _SHINK!_

And sent the trio's craniums flying.

That was the signal for Donny to fling a trio of kunai at the headless corpses from where he'd been standing behind the second door. The knives flew true, and their salt-coated tips slammed into the bottoms of the three's throats.

Donny's face broke out into a grin, and he pumped his fist triumphantly as the trio's shadows escaped their corpses like bats out of hell. "Hell yes!" he crowed. "Haha, how's _that_ for bada—!"

 _TWANG!_

"—Urk…"

Donny's victorious exultations were promptly cut off by a choked gurgle on account of Nin's body suddenly falling slack, loosing the nocked arrow in the process. The arrow that was _still aimed in the general direction of Moriah's snot bubble._

All Leo and Donny could do was stare in horror as the arrow flew up-up-up, hanging at the apex of its arc for what felt like an eternity before gravity took hold and flung it down-down-down, right at the snot bubble—

 _CLANG! "Sonnuva—!"_

And right into a link of the suddenly present chain of Mikey's nunchuk, arresting the arrow's momentum right when its very _tip_ was millimeters away from the dugong's fearfully quivering eye.

Mikey panted furiously for a minute, fighting desperately to get his heart rate under control while also holding the arrow in place and maintaining his Tidal Swim above the Warlord's quivering bubble. Once he was certain that his heart wasn't going to explode, however, the orange-bandanna'd dugong shot a murderous snarl at his fellow students. "And you sons-of-bitches have the gall to call _me_ a fucking idiot!?"

The bo and katana wielders exchanged uneasy looks before shooting their brother-in-training dual thumbs up.

"Nice catch, Mikey!"

"Yeah, great work!"

"STOP COMPLIMENTING ME AND HELP ME GET THE HELL DOWN! I'M STARTING TO LOSE FEELING IN MY DAMN TAIL!"

While Leo hastily jumped up to help the nunchuk-wielder down, Donny carefully began loading the syringes he had been given as he gave the scene before him a contemplative look. "Thank Sebek that this worked; if he hadn't taken our heads off when he woke up, Cross would have for screwing his plan!"

 **~o~**

"Alright, guys, Team 3, a.k.a. 'Needle', will consist of Chopper and the TDWS," I pointed them all out, causing them to straighten in anticipation. "Your assignments will be crucial to Team 1's success. Specifically, you'll be removing Perona and Gekko Moriah himself from the equation."

The dugongs promptly paled in horror. "Ah… come again?" Raphey squeaked fearfully.

"Er… Cross?" Boss cut in. "I may have faith in my boys, but even I'd say that expecting them to beat a Warlord with just Chopper for backup would be a suicide mission. No offense, Chopper."

"Considering how I've _seen_ what the last two Warlords we met did to our crew? None taken," Chopper gulped, looking at me. "Please say that you have just as good a reason for trusting that we can handle this as you do with Team 2."

I smiled calmly. "You guys are _not_ going to be attacking them. You're going to be attacking their unconscious bodies."

Their reaction was half of relief, half of confusion.

I leaned back against the mast as I spread my arms out. "As I said, Perona leaves her body sleeping in her room whenever she goes out on patrol. And similarly, Moriah is an _absurdly_ heavy sleeper, to the point where it takes an arrow to his snot bubble (just go with it) to wake him up. You'll be locating the both of them while they're K.O., and then guaranteeing that they _stay_ K.O. Got it?"

Team 3 all exchanged looks before nodding in agreement.

"Perfect. Alright, things start off with our new Musician." I indicated our new skeletal crewmate. "Brook will be entrusted with either Pinkie or the Brain, but not _just_ so that he's always in communication with us. He'll also have a running line between him and Soundbite, meaning that once I get the SBS started, Perona's most likely going to abandon Brook in favor of us. But before that happens, you four—" I pointed at the TDWS. "Are going to sneak into the manor undetected, taking Chopper with you, and locate her body."

"I… don't need to _hurt_ her, do I?" our doctor asked uncomfortably.

"No…" I said, shaking my head and then putting up a finger. "But you're going to do your best to make it _sound_ like you are. Once Perona gets to the dining hall, I'll call you, and you'll put the fear of hell in her so that she shoots back to her body. And once she's back inside?" I slammed my fist into my palm. "You're going to sedate her with the heaviest soporific you've got. So long as her mind's asleep, Perona will be out of commission for the rest of our fight. Got it?"

"Hm…" Chopper scratched his chin in thought before nodding. "Yeah, that works for me."

"Good. Now, for the rest of you…" I said, refocusing on the dugongs. "One of you's going to have to stick with Chopper to deal with the dedicated bear-zombie bodyguard Perona has covering her, but the other three are going to locate Moriah and wait in the shadows around him. He's got a dedicated trio of zombies acting as his alarm clock, and I'd bet hard cash that those three are the _only_ ones who ever wake him up. So long as you can take them out without anyone finding out? Moriah'll be left to snooze for the entirety of our assault."

Leo and Donny shared shocked looks before giving me a wide-eyed stare.

"That's… a pretty good idea, Cross!" Leo exclaimed.

"Yeah, it's genius!" Donny concurred.

My grin became rigid and I felt a vein start to pulse on my forehead. "And you two sound so surprised about this _why,_ exactly?!"

The pair promptly snapped their heads away, whistling _very_ innocently.

"Hm… hey, wait a second…" Mikey mumbled, his head bowed, before snapping his 'fingers'. "I got an idea! If we're gonna be sneaking up on Moriah while he's sleeping really, really deep, why not make sure it's an _extra_ deep sleep by sticking him with some of Chopper's drugs too?" He maintained his victorious stance for a second before flushing furiously at the incredulous looks pinning him. " _Why the blue hell are you all looking at me like that!?"_

That cued another round of hastily averted gazes and overly innocent whistles.

"Eheh… ah, still, if we're doing this…" Chopper sent me a curious look. "Cross, about how big would you say that Moriah is? I need it for the dosage."

"Mmm… 25 feet, maybe? Aaaand I have no idea if he's a huge human or a weird giant or what, sooooo…" I shrugged uncertainly.

Chopper's skin promptly paled beneath his fur. "I'll just… go and prepare the _Luffy_ amount then."

Once the Zoan-reindeer wandered off, I regarded the last of our crew, meaning Luffy, Zoro, Franky, Boss and Funkfreed. "Anyways, you guys are Team 4. And trust me, your job's _entirely_ appropriate for your skillset."

 **~o~**

"' _Disciple Purple' reporting in, Cross,"_ Donny informed me. " _The three undead alarm clocks have been silenced before they could rouse the Warlord—and credit where it's due, that's thanks to Orange catching the arrow—and the Luffy-grade sedative is applied. I don't know what the hell Moriah is, but there's no way he's waking up short of a mortar shell going off in his ear."_

"And with confirmation from Team 2, that makes us three for three on the fighters of the Mysterious Four!" I confidently declared. "Thriller Bark has fallen in all but name and army." I then shot a sidelong glance at the Four's barely twitching remainder. "Anything you'd like to say, _Hogback?"_

For a minute, the man couldn't bring himself to do more than sputter in horror. Then, finally, he looked at me with a pleading expression. "Why are you doing this?" he wheezed. "What did we ever do to you? What… What did we do to deserve _this?"_

I stared impassively at him for a second before scratching my cheek and chuckling. "What did you do… oooh, where to even start…" I made a show of snapping my fingers in realization. "The beginning. That works. And the beginning here would be a fact Conis pegged onto earlier: Shadows. 'Cause… she's right, see. Shadows are _integral_ to a human being. And losing one, the consequences of it, the _symptoms…"_ I shook my head. "They are _deadly._ Not immediately, but long term?"

I was silent for a bit before continuing. "I could tell them to the world… but I won't. Rather…" I pinned Hogback with a cold glare. "I'll let your _victims_ handle that. And yes, you heard me right!" I addressed that at my mic. "Right here, right now, I'm inviting victims of Thriller Bark the world over to share their plight with the world. Just to remind you all, the number to call is 432-782-762. Punch it in now… and let the world know of how unjustly you've been treated all these years."

The room fell silent for the next thirty seconds. During those thirty seconds, I had complete faith that this part of the plan would work. And at the end of those thirty seconds…

" _Dot dot dot dot!"_

My faith and hopes were vindicated, while what little hopes Hogback had left crumbled.

" _Dot dot dot—KA-LICK! Um, hello?"_ came a somewhat nervous female voice.

"You're live on the SBS," I said with a smirk. "No filter, then?"

" _I-I…"_ The voice's face faltered briefly before she steeled herself quite admirably. " _No… no, absolutely not. I've spent too long hiding in the shadows, a-a-and… and I won't stay silent for even one second longer! My name is Margarita, and I am a maid serving in Egana Manor on Torodana Island in the Grand Line. Ten years ago, the ship I was on was attacked by the Moriah Pirates, and that monster, Gekko Moriah, he… he stole my shadow. I lost consciousness from it, and I didn't wake up until a few days after, but once I did…"_ The maid's expression grew grim. " _My life was a living hell._

" _Cross is right: The effects of losing a shadow are horrific. To go without a shadow is unnatural, and there are a lot of consequences. You can't be seen in mirrors, your image doesn't appear in photographs… but worst of all… without a shadow…"_ Margarita drew in a shuddering breath before forging on. " _After the attack, a friend of mine who was with me, she… she stepped out into the morning sun, and before I knew what was happening, before she could even scream, she…"_ The maid pinched her eyes shut, her face twisted in misery. " _S-She burst into flames… and was gone from this world without a trace!"_

There was a moment of tense silence punctuated only by Margarita's pained sobbing, until finally I chose to speak up. "If you want, I can—?"

" _No!"_ she protested, even as more tears shone in her eyes. " _They… stole my life from me! I need to see this through! I… I need to tell the world of the hell they forced me into! A hell of shadows, of darkness! For ten years, I haven't been able to step into the light for fear of death! For ten years, all I've known is cold and terror. For ten years… I haven't even been able to see the_ sun…" She paused, audibly panting, and then her angry facade broke into a wide, tearful smile. " _Until today. Until a few scant minutes ago, when I saw my reflection in the mirror. When I chose to stand by a candle, and I saw that my shadow had returned! As soon as I realized it, t-the master of the house, he threw a party, a-a-and I can't wait for the dawn, because for the first time in years, I can finally see the sun rise on a new day, and it's all thanks to you!"_

"Good for you!" Conis smiled pleasantly.

"Hmm…" Robin, meanwhile, was scratching her chin. "Margarita… you said you're a maid, yes? You wouldn't happen to have a pathological hatred for dishware, would you?"

"… _Ah… I got over that a_ long _time ago? Why do you ask?"_

"Simply confirming the identity of the zombie who had your shadow," Robin smiled. "She was acting quite psychotic. I imagine you must have been in quite a state back then. I'm glad to hear you've regained some measure of sanity."

" _Uh… thank you?"_

"Among the first we actually took down, in fact!" I confirmed. "If it's any consolation, either your shadow or what little remained of Cindry's spirit were fighting tooth and nail!"

" _Oh, thank you… but concerning Cindry… y-you said her serial number was 400, right? And… and that_ bastard _Hogback, he said… that he'd made even more than that, right?"_

"Uh… yes?" Usopp answered.

Margarita's eyes hardened like steel. "… _Nobody, not a Marine, not a Revolutionary, not even other_ pirates _deserve the kind of purgatory that I've been forced to endure for the last decade. Straw Hats… please, free them all. Lift Moriah's curse. End the evil that is Thriller Bark, once and for all!"_

"Mark my words, Margarita: by daybreak, Thriller Bark won't even _exist_ anymore," I stated menacingly, my blood thundering through my veins.

She smiled, tears coming down her face. " _Thank you… for everything. KA-LICK!"_

"Well, I think that about covers it," I said, preparing to stow my transceiver away again. "If any of you other shadowless would like to add anything more, I'll be broadcasting again for the Straw Hats' traditional victory party in a few hours. Until then, however, we'll be going anonymous. Can't have the Marines ambushing us and all that! But for now… light a candle, pull up a mirror, and wait with bated breath. Because at last, your long night has come to an _end!"_

And with that triumphant note, I hung up the transceiver and returned it to hanging at my side. I then turned towards Hogback, who was staring at me in horror.

"I know that look," I said with a smirk. "I've seen that look more times than I can count, that 'how the hell could you possibly know about that' look. Yeah… after all that, I imagine you _would_ be wondering how we found out about all of this in the first place, huh? Well, it's simple."

I leaned in and put my grin right in Hogback's terrified face. "Did you honestly think," I whispered. "That the Humming Swordsman returning at this exact point in time, at _just_ the worst possible moment… is a _coincidence?"_

What little blood Hogback had left evacuated his face. "You… can't be serious…" he choked out.

I couldn't help but chuckle grimly as I stood up and loomed over him. "You took our new musician's shadow, Hogback," I intoned darkly. "You stole _everything_ from him, and he didn't have much left to begin with. And now… we're going to take every little last thing from _you."_

Yeah, _that_ little revelation was finally too much for Hogback; with a final gargle of horror, he passed out, foam fountaining from his slack maw.

I leaned back in surprise before shooting a bemused look at Robin. "I'm getting better at this, huh?"

"At this point, Cross?" Robin dryly replied. "I wouldn't be surprised if Dragon himself dreaded getting on your bad side."

"…taking that as a compliment!" I said cheerily.

"It was meant as one," she smiled back.

"Ahem?" Lassoo chuffed in an effort to get attention. "If you're done having fun…?"

"Ah, right, right!" I nodded as I got back on track before glancing over at Soundbite. "Alright, let's rumble. Team 4, do you read me?"

" _Team 4, 'Smokescreen', in position,"_ came a female voice. " _Speaking is Lola, second in command of the Thriller Bark Victim's Association, all of which are armed and ready for combat. We are awaiting your order, Jeremiah Cross."_

"Proceed to Phase 3, and commence Operation 'Nightmare Luffy.'" I turned a demonic grin towards the wall that was towards the front of the mansion. I could practically see them now…

 **-o-**

A veritable army decked out in pitchforks, swords, and torches.

A cyborg with a giant pair of nunchucks made from a pair of trees that were currently burning to charcoal.

A three-headed, six-armed demon with nine swords, wreathed in blue fire.

A shell-clad dugong, spinning a nigh-flaming weapon and swimming in the air through a cloud of smoke he was spewing.

And in the center of them all? A giant, muscular, blue-skinned behemoth, clad in a hockey mask, riding an elephant with a sword for its trunk, with one hand holding an oversized sword and the other holding a pipe that had a mechanized blade strapped to the end. With said blade being _on fire._

Such was the sight that met the undead army of Thriller Bark when they emerged before the island's main gate, and such was the sight that sent them all running, in absolute, bowel-dropping _terror_ to get as many reinforcements as inhumanly possible.

 **-o-**

"PFFHAHAHAHA!" I cackled ecstatically, bending over in my mirth. "Ohhh, _God,_ that's hilarious! They'd better damn well get pictures of Franken-Luffy before he lets the shadows out, or I swear I'm going to rip their _faces_ off! PFFHAHAHA!"

"I will admit, Cross," Robin chuckled in amusement. "This aspect of your plan, while simplistic, is quite ingenious. With our friends garnering the entirety of the zombies' attention, bar very few, we're left free to roam about the manor as we please."

"But, ah…" Usopp glanced around the corpse-filled room uncertainly. " _Why_ would we want to do that exactly? You, ah… never really said."

"Usopp's right," Conis nodded in agreement. "Shouldn't we head for the front gate immediately, so that we can help our friends fight?"

I promptly sobered up and adopted a scowl. "Because we're in here for a far more pressing matter. Chopper, you're on your way to Hogback's lab, right?"

" _I just helped Raphey finish exorcising Perona's bear, so yes. I expect you'll be taking Hogback there so that I can…_ _ **deal with him?"**_

"Soundbite?" I asked my snail. "You find what I asked you to?"

" _ **Yeah, I did…"**_ Soundbite winced fearfully. "WISH I HADN'T, THOUGH… _but the lab's in a tower,_ **and that thing ain't.** _HELL OF DETOUR."_

"Hrmph…" I rubbed my chin thoughtfully for a second before snapping my fingers in realization. "What about the _base_ of the tower?"

" **Huh?"** Soundbite blinked in surprise before grinning sheepishly. " **AH… YEAH, I'D SAY THAT** _ **THAT SHOULD WORK."**_

"Great," I nodded before regarding our friends. "Guys, get Hogback on his feet and let's get moving. Chopper, we'll meet you at the base of his tower so that we can drop him off."

"And… after that?" Usopp asked uncertainly.

I grinned as I strode to the doors of the room and slowly pushed them open. "We're going to go and terminate the final possible threat remaining on this accursed island once and for all. We're going to go and pay our respects… _to Number 900 himself."_

 **Hornet AN: For the benefit of our FFN readers, let me explain a few things: I work a full-time job, and Xomniac and The Patient One are both college students. This often leaves us two hours a day - at best! - to work on this fic. So if you're wondering what's taking a chapter so long, this is probably why.**

 **Patient AN: We can only do so much when time will not cooperate. We ask for you to please be patient, and refrain from asking what's taking so long. If there is something more severe than scheduling issues preventing us from updating, we will inform you. Otherwise, however, we ask that you allow us to take the time needed to get our writing to the quality that we pride ourselves on.**

 **Xomniac AN: And even besides all that, there were just sections of this whole thing that just refused to be written. *Shrugs* Shit happens.**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Regardless, however… we've said this before, and we have no doubts that we'll say it again at least once before we're through, but this may be our best work yet.**


	54. Chapter 49 - Thriller Bark Pt 3

**Chapter 49**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Loyal fans, the good news is that this chapter has several fight scenes that should satisfy those of you who were unhappy about things going perfectly so far. And the bad news is that this is most likely the only update you'll get until April.**

 **Xomniac AN: Unfortunately, this chapter is shorter than we'd hoped, a mere 17K… and while it** ** _overjoys_** **me that we consider a literal** ** _essay_** **'mere,' the fact remains that we just couldn't hold off any longer. But hey, you're still getting some action~! Enjoy!**

 **Patient AN: Also, I suppose it's overdue that I got to add something to the A Rare Sentence page. In writing this chapter, I found myself saying, "Xom, you're comparing a giant warthog to a former master swordsman."**

The goings-on at Thriller Bark were always unnatural. It was only natural, ironically enough, seeing as the island was populated by sentient paintings and trophies, there were creepers in the crypt, laughing ghosts flitting through the air, and said air was absolutely thick with eldritch fog. Unnatural was synonymous with 'normal' on the island.

But even as relatively unnatural as Thriller Bark was, the sight of a speedo-clad cyborg swinging around a giant pair of flaming oaks linked by a chain to bash down the walking dead as though he were playing a macabre, jumbo-sized game of Whack-A-Mole was a whole new level of 'weird' for the island's ghastly inhabitants.

"C'MON, YOU ROTTIN' ASSHATS!" Franky cackled, hoisting his flaming makeshift nunchaku. "I GOT _LOADS_ MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM!"

"HEY!" one of the zombies protested indignantly as it poked its head out from behind the XL-sized headstone it'd been hiding behind. "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE FREAKIER THAN US! THIS IS OUR TURF! THAT'S _OUR_ RIGHT, YOU BIG METAL BASTARD!"

"Huh? Is that so?" Franky blinked in surprise. "Well, then, if that's the case—!"

 _SLAM!_

 _"_ _GAH!"_ the zombie howled in shock as both he and the gravestone were smashed into the ground.

"—I DON'T REALLY GIVE A DAMN!" the cyborg roared at the top of his lungs.

Currently, the Straw Hat-led war against the unnatural inhabitants of Thriller Bark was going apace. For all that the zombies outnumbered the living pirates nearly a dozen revenants to a man, the warm-blooded faction of the war vastly outskilled and/or outpowered most of the zombies. The gap was big enough, on average, to take out the zombies a handful at a time.

However…

"YOU BASTARD!" the smashed zombie roared, peeling himself off of the soil, lumps of stone falling from flesh ignited in several places

Franky frowned grimly as he was forced to take a step back on account of the flattened undead and a half-dozen others surging forward, a veritable tide of dead flesh rushing at him.

The fact remained that for all that the Straw Hats were holding their own against the zombies, neither were they making any progress. After all, the zombies might have been without any noteworthy skills, but they were also without any _pain._ And without pain, that meant that they had no reason to stop _attacking._ And not just personally either. Every minute, more and more zombies of all shapes and sizes were arriving from all over the manor and the rest of the island, adding to the bulk of the brawl. Sure, they were salting them all…

 **"** **RAAAAGH!"** Luffy bellowed, his voice echoing a hundred times over with righteous fury. This fury was thoroughly reinforced by the reverberating roar of the flaming chainsaw that topped his pipe, complemented by the hockey mask he wore, and accentuated by the fact that he was a hulking blue muscleman almost as tall as Moriah.

The icing on the cake was the screams of the zombies and their desiccated flesh as they were _both_ rent asunder by the swings of Luffy's nightmarish weapon.

Franky held back a bark of laughter as he watched the zombies literally fall to pieces. And _sure,_ they were managing to incapacitate the zombies in a variety of other ways…

 _"_ _CHAAAARGE!"_

Franky's grin died as a fresh crowd of zombies literally threw themselves into fray.

…But the unfortunate fact was that for each one they put down, three more and counting took their place. It was just a dozen-to-one now, but sooner or later it'd be two dozen, then three, then however many more until either Moriah ran out of zombies or they started losing people, whichever came first.

And not even Luffy was stupid enough to bet on the zombies running out first.

Still, one thought cheered Franky and prompted him to heft his nunchuks again, and that thought was that the zombies weren't the only ones with reinforcements coming.

The Straw Hats had their own people waiting in the manor's wings, and once they were all good and ready they'd be getting reinforcements of their own.

"This is gonna take all night," Franky grumbled. Snorting, he readjusted his nunchuks. "Eh, whatever; Cross and the rest'll be here soon enough."

 **-o-**

"This is taking _forever,"_ I groused.

Unfortunately for us all, the process of getting from Point A (the dining room) to Point B (the base of Hogback's tower) was proving to be leagues more complicated than it had any right to be. Seriously, all we had to do was drop off Hogback, who wasn't even struggling due to Conis dragging his unconscious carcass along by the ankle. But there was an… _obstacle_ in the way of that particular endeavor.

 **"** **Right up ahead…"** Soundbite informed us, his voice brimming with exasperation.

We took the turn he indicated…

 ** _"_** ** _SONNUVABITCH!"_**

And our hit-and-miss guide expressed what we were all feeling as we were greeted _once again_ with a dead-end hallway.

"Fifth in as many minutes…" Lassoo chuffed dryly.

"'Easy to navigate', you said, 'know your way around this place like the back of your shell', you said," Usopp commented with a sidelong glance at my partner. "What happened to our self-proclaimed 'god of noise?' And while I'm on it, have you ever even _seen_ the back of your shell?"

 ** _"_** ** _BITE ME!"_** the snail exploded. "I CAN'T HEAR SHIT _WHEN THERE'S NOTHING TO HEAR!_ **These asshats have** ** _ghost walking_** _down to an art form._ _ **MY MAP IS HIT AND MISS AT BEST.**_ **AND BESIDES THAT, I NEED TO BE CAREFUL TO MAKE SURE—!"**

"Hey! What's going on here?!"

Soundbite's eye twitched furiously. _"That_ **doesn't happen."**

We all turned around to behold a quartet of shambling horrors staring at us from the intersection. Three of the patchwork wad-brains were wearing metal buckets on their head and the fourth was sporting… a… orange rubber traffic cone?

"…morbid curiosity here, where the heck did you dig that little piece of headgear up?" I wondered.

The zombies' response to my _wholly_ innocent query was quite rude… namely, they all roared and attempted to charge us.

'Attempted' being the key word here, seeing as Conis, Usopp and Lassoo promptly dispatched them all with an air of ease bordering on, well… boredom.

"Come on!" Lassoo yipped. "Isn't there anybody more—nope! Nope nope nope! Not saying it!"

"At this point, I'm bored enough that _I'd_ be willing to risk saying it," Robin muttered, before speaking up. "But before we stumble into _another_ dead-end passage, I'd like to try something else."

With that, hands sprouted from the floor, propping up the unconscious Hogback—and then repeatedly bitch-slapping him.

Seriously. There was no other way to describe it. And in fairness, it did the trick; Hogback's head jerked off the floor, wheezing against the napkin gag we'd thought to stuff in his mouth on our way out of the dining room. His expression as he froze under our combined gazes was priceless, too.

"Do try to face this with some dignity," Robin drawled, sprouting another hand on his neck that clamped onto a very _specific_ part of his throat. "Now, I trust you'll recognize that that is your carotid artery I'm holding, yes? Let me be blunt: if we deliver you to Chopper, there is a good possibility you will not survive the encounter with him. However, if we remain in these labyrinthine corridors for five more minutes…"

Hogback did his name proud when he squealed at Robin twisting the flesh she was holding.

"I can _guarantee_ that you will not survive _me_. So, all of that being said…" Robin's hands sprouted all around the doctor and both shoved and pulled him to his feet, so that she could smile frigidly in his face. "Which way to your laboratory, Mister Hogback?"

Hogback shivered in place for a few seconds before hesitantly shuffling past her and back down the way we'd came.

I cocked an eyebrow and leaned in close to Robin as we followed. "Do you think he realizes that anything you could possibly do to him would be a fair sight kinder than whatever it is Chopper's got up his sleeves?" I whispered.

Robin's response was to chuckle beneath her breath. "Oooh, I'm certain he'll figure it out in due time."

"Well, seeing as we've got time to burn…" Lassoo hummed thoughtfully. "Anybody up for I Spy?"

"Any other day, maybe," Conis sighed with a despondent look as she reloaded her guns with fresh shots of salt. "Right now, I'm too preoccupied worrying about how Su is doing…"

For whatever reason, that set Soundbite off, sniggering like a loon.

 **-o-**

"HEY, WAKE UP!"

 _THWACK!_

"GWAH!" a painting-zombie snorted awake as a hefty weight was slammed into its jaw. That done, it glared bloody murder at its equally lopsided compatriot as it readjusted its top hat. "What was that for?!"

"Get pissed at me _later,_ you lethargic loitering louts!" the bodybuilder-like zombie snarled, swinging its head back and forth to address the entire hallway and the dozen or so paintings that had just been roused. "Right now, you need to get off your damn wall and get moving, quick!"

"Eh?" another of the paintings blinked in confusion, sleep still clouding its mind. "The heck are you talking about?! What's—?!"

 _KA-BOOM!_

Almost as if in response, a catastrophic explosion rang out in the distance.

"We're being attacked, flat-faces!" the bodybuilder snapped, glancing fearfully towards the site of the explosion. "Full-frontal assault on the manor! It's all hands on deck, even Surprises like you! _So, get your flat-asses in motion already!"_

"Gah, alright, alright!" the painting yelped, the lot of them hastily hopping their frames off the wall before dragging themselves away.

"So, what, we've got an attack on the front doors? Is it _really_ that bad!?" asked one of them.

"It's _worse,_ damn it!" the bipedal brawler ranted as he led the way. "We've got _no_ chain of command! Nin, Bao and Gyoro went to wake Master Moriah forever ago, but we haven't heard anything from _any_ of them! And from what I've heard, Hogback's insisting that we all steer the hell clear of his dining room so that he can keep the 'guests' he has fooled, Perona and Absalom both just up and disappeared into thin air, _and no laughing!"_

"Wasn't gonna!" the painting hastily coughed out.

"Anyway…" the musclebuilder shook his head grimly. "Ryuma's trying to take command, but he's also itching to fight, so _that's_ no help. None of the other Generals have anywhere near as much clout as him, Hildon's never had to command so many of us at once, and there's the fact that there's _somebody_ in the damn manor slaughtering us wholesale!"

"Really? How are they doing it?"

"Nobody freaking knows!" The revenant threw his arms up in frustration. "They don't leave any survivors! All we know is that they're hitting them faster than they can react, and that for _some_ reason they always leave one zombie standing so that they can realize they're screwed before salting _them_ too! It's totally frustrating!"

"…Uh, how would you know that if they're all purified?"

"Because every site I've been to, most of the zombies look like they just fell in place, but there's always the one zombie that looks terrified. It's not hard to figure out that they watched the rest fall, and had just enough time to panic before they lost their shadow, too!"

"So… you kinda mean like your situation now?"

"Eh? What the hell are you talking abou—?"

The zombie froze in his tracks. Then, very slowly, he turned around, and what little blood was in his face left it as he took in the Surprise Zombies he had roused, one and all, lying on the ground, truly lifeless. He started frantically looking around, one musclebound hand over his mouth and the other clenched into a fist, ready to deck whoever tried to—

"Ahem."

A quiet cough came from beneath him, and he looked down to see a frankly adorable little white fox sitting at his feet, looking up at him with its head tilted. He blinked in confusion.

"I'm a little over a foot long, tiny, and I'm far faster than you could ever hope to be," Su flatly stated. _"Run."_

If there was one good thing to be said about the situation, it was that that particular zombie wouldn't have to live with the shame of being terrified out of his wits by something smaller than one of his fists.

Instead, he chose to spend his final moments running like hell was on his heels, which… technically it was.

When he suddenly felt the rat's claws climbing up his back, the zombie screamed for help…

 ** _"_** ** _BUT NO ONE CAME…"_**

And then he felt something get shoved down his throat and all was oblivion.

Su eyed the still-cool corpse and hopped off of it before glancing up at the air. "Third time you've used that line. Reference?"

 _"_ _Ohhh, you're just living what I like to call a…_ " Soundbite chuckled malevolently. **"Genocide Run."**

A minor sweatdrop hung from the back of Su's head at that. "Sounds… sinister."

 _"_ _OHHH, IT IS, IT IS._ BUT FOR ONCE, **_I don't feel like a scumbag_** **FOR LISTENING IN! This is actually kinda fun!"**

"Heh, that's for sure!" Su snorted happily as she pounded one paw in the other. "I'm going through these clowns like Robin through Marine bones! It feels _nice_ to be doing this much damage!"

 _"_ _Enjoy the dream,_ _ **mon ami,**_ _enjoy—_ EH? **Hang on a…"** Soundbite trailed off into silence for a second before 'tsk'ing in exasperation. "DAMN IT, THE ZOMBIES ARE **COORDINATING A FRONT, GOTTA** ** _BREAK THAT UP. You're gonna have_** _to go blind for a bit. SORRY."_

"Meh, fine by me, I'm getting good at this," Su waved her tail dismissively, even as she started padding back to the spider-tunnels. "Any parting advice?"

 _"_ _Nah, you're—_ _ **OH, WAIT, ONE THING!**_ DID YA NOTICE THAT TOWER _FIVE FLOORS UP_ _ **and six corridors westwards?"**_

"Eh…" Su swished her tail thoughtfully as she started spelunking the wall's catacombs. "I think so, while I was in the north wing. What about it?"

 _"_ _Don't go into it, OR ELSE."_

"Eh?" Su blinked in surprise, coming to a sudden halt. "'Or else' what?" She started to climb again, before suddenly slipping a foot when a flat, droning voice spoke bloody murder in her ear.

 ** _"_** ** _YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A BAD TIME…_** GOT IT?"

"Aheheh… yeah, got it…" Su shivered fearfully.

 _"_ _Glad to hear it!"_ Soundbite said, his smile back in his voice. **"Have fun!"** And with that, the omnipotent voyeur's trademark electric whine snapped out of place.

The very instant she was out from under the vocal barrel, a mischievous smirk came across Su's muzzle and she made a beeline in a very specific direction. Six corridors west, and five floors up, and with only a few scant spider-mice in the way, she reached her destination no time at all.

Snickering eagerly, she pushed open a trapdoor that led up and into the tower's base - and then blinked in confusion at the hollowed out and, more importantly, _web-filled_ tube of stone.

"The heck…?" she mused as she slowly crawled up into the tower. "What is this place, the den of those rat-rachnids? Why the hell wouldn't Soundbite want me coming _here?_ I mean, psh, c'mon." She sat on her haunches and shrugged her forelegs with a shake of her head. "With the rate I've been tearing through those ratfinks, I doubt there are even over a dozen _left_ in this manor! C'mon, what's the big deal?"

"I believe that honor…" a silky-smooth voice purred above the cloud fox, causing a shiver to run up her suddenly ramrod-straight spine. "Would belong to _me."_

 _Veeeeery_ slowly, Su tilted her head up, and stared headlong into the twitching rictus-grin of the _far_ too literal spider-monkey that was hanging above her by it's too-too-too many legs, as well as the dozen-or-so smaller but no less vicious grins that were crawling around it.

"Now, then," Tararan leered venomously. "What were you saying… about my _mice?"_

The rodent-rachnid hybrids skittering around their boss all tittered malevolently in agreement.

"Uhhh…"

Su was saved from having to answer by an electronic whine heralding her backup's return.

"OK, **_back in business, YOU MAY RESUME YOUR USUAL WORSHI—!"_** Soundbite choked off a sentence into his tirade, and remained silent for a moment before sighing morosely. **"Dare I ask WHY?"**

"…I wanted the challenge?" Su weakly offered.

 _"…_ _Ironically?_ THAT'S THE SAME JUSTIFICATION **MOST PEOPLE GIVE FOR** ** _THE GENOCIDE RUN."_**

Su's ear and tail drooped down miserably. "Ooooh _fuck me."_

Tararan's head all but split in half as he opened his mouth wide, unveiling a pair of twitching mandibles. **_"Gladly."_**

And with that, the beast wrenched its limbs free from the walls and allowed several metric tons of flesh and chitin to plummet towards the self-titled powder-fox.

"Yow!" Su yelped as she all but flung herself away from the falling spider-monkey-zombie, which slammed into where she'd been seconds before and kicked up a cloud of dust Skidding to a halt, she spared a half-second to glance over her shoulder before hastily shooting into motion as a titanic spider leg slammed clean through the brick she'd been standing on moments earlier.

 **"** **Hahahahaha! That's it, little tunnel rat!"** Tararan cackled as he raised and slammed down another one of his legs, Su smoothly flowing around it. **"Run! Flee! You cannot escape!"** Another leg slammed down, and only a hasty pirouette saved the cloud fox from two superfluous new orifices.

"Wasn't planning to!" Su snarled, finally skidding behind the massive zombie and tensing her legs for a leap. Tension that allowed her to jump _back_ when Tararan's massive rear slammed into the stonework, shattering it. "Are you _serious?!"_

 **"** **Monkey monkey! I have no blind spots!"** the zombie bragged. **"But you are a quick little tunnel rat, aren't you."** Raising one of its hands, it snapped its fingers. **"Get 'er, boys."**

Gritting her teeth, Su jumped back right as a small web stuck itself to the stone, shooting a glare up at the spider-mice infesting the lines above her.

"Right, that's it, I'm sick of being target practice!" she snapped, dodging several more webs before hopping up onto one of the larger—and more importantly, _drier-looking_ —ones attached to the walls. "Time for a counterattack!"

One spider-mouse, too low to the ground, was salted immediately. The rest just cackled at her before shooting more webs. With the lines, it was easy to dodge them; it was _much_ harder to actually _get at_ the damn things. They were hopping around like chinchillas on speed, and despite her lofty words about counterattacks, it was all she could do to stay ahead of their webs.

 **"** **Sticky Spider Net!"**

And that was _without_ the giga-sized asshole crawling around below her complicating her life!

Bending back on her hind legs in a move that would have done Neo proud, Su watched in slack-jawed amazement as a stream of webbing thicker than she was only just shot past her, sweeping three of the spider-mice with it.

"Right, gotta remember him, too…" she muttered. Then a thought occurred to her, and she eyed the chittering spider-mice above her, then Tararan. "I~de~a~!"

Hopping onto the web she'd identified, she tracked the spider mice readying their attack runs. Just needed to get them in the right spot, and—

"Hey, Tartarface!" she shouted down.

 **"** **Monkey monkey! It's Tararan!"** the zombie in question snapped.

"Couldn't care less~!" Su sang back, idly spinning around another web. "Look, this has been bugging me this entire time: is that actually _your_ ass you're sporting, or do you just have a plus-sized beetle chewing on your—?"

Any further taunts were killed flat by a wave of killing intent flooding the room and freezing everyone in place.

 **"** **You. Are.** ** _Dead,"_** Tararan chittered venomously, his mandibles twitching with ill-repressed desire to rip and shred.

Silence fell on the tower, the spider-mice shivering in terror… until said terror was aborted by seven shadows shooting up into the ceiling via Su flicking her paw at their slack jaws.

"Well, didn't quite get what I was planning for, but it's all working out so beautifully that I can't complain," Su sneered, her tail flickering again to bring up a visible gob of salt. "So. Shall we do this _properly_ this time?"

To her surprise and worry, Tararan's furious rictus-snarl melted into a sneer to match her own. **"Yessssss,** ** _let's."_**

Before Su could act, a chittering sound reached her ears, and she spun around to find the three spider-mice that Tararan had inadvertently webbed earlier on her six and puckering up to spit their webs.

"Ah, _shit,"_ Su groaned, right before all three hit, wrapping her up in a neat little ball that bounced off the wall and onto the floor. "Owww… Lemme guess… I forgot that spiders don't get stuck in their own webs?"

"Eeheehee, eeheehee!" the spider-mice danced around joyously as they reveled in their victory. Or, basically, over ganging up on a single Cloud Fox without any notable offensive capabilities.

Fingers like steel wrapped around her face, and the cloud fox was lifted up and treated to a close-up view of Tararan's open gullet. Needless to say, it was _not_ a pretty sight.

"Dude. Whoever your dentist is, you need to—" Su began, before getting cut off by Tararan dropping her into his mouth and swallowing her wholesale.

 **"** **Monkey** monkey… ah, blessed silence…" the spider-monkey-zombie sighed as he retracted his mandibles into his maw, the surviving spider-mice dancing around him in joyous exultation. That made the crash when their chieftain suddenly collapsed in a boneless heap all the deeper, his shadow-soul shooting out of his slack jaws.

A second after the astral embodiment escaped, Su hopped out as well, shaking herself down in order to dislodge what webbing remained stuck to her. "Honestly, now…" she sighed despondently. "Swallowing me whole like that, when my tail's weighing heavy with _salt?_ Unbelievable. I mean, really, apart from my bandanna, I'm _nude._ Where did he _think_ I was keeping this stuff, up my _ass?"_

"SOME PEOPLE JUST _really aren't smart_ _ **like that!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

"Eeeyup…" Su sighed, casting a sidelong glance at the remaining spider-mice. Somehow, all three clenched up even more. "Oh, you're still here? Alright, then, who wants the salt first?"

The mice promptly shot away like their abdomens were on fire.

Su gave them a little time to run before allowing a smirk to cross her muzzle. "I might be the first fox anywhere in the history of ever to say this…"

She then shot after the mice in a blur of white.

"But, oh, how I _love_ the hunt!"

 **-o-**

"She took down Tararan on her own?!"

That would probably be the only time ever that Hogback and I spoke in perfect unison.

"IF BY TARARAN _you mean the uber-sized double-exterminator package, THEN YUP!"_ Soundbite grinned from eyestalk to eyestalk, specifically directing his leer at Hogback. **"Dunno where you got those** ** _brains of his, but I SUGGEST GETTING YOUR_** **MONEY BACK! HEEHEEHEE** _HOOHOOHOOhahaha!"_

"Yay, Su!" Conis pumped her fists enthusiastically, a massive grin on her face. "Good for her, I'm happy she's having fun!"

"In a… zombie-filled… haunted manor…" Usopp reiterated slowly.

 _That_ earned him an oblivious look from our gunner. "Yes, what's your point?"

Usopp worked his jaw for a second before slumping with a sigh of defeat. "Sometimes I miss the days when the world made sense, I really, really do…"

Hogback, meanwhile, remained frozen, staring back at the snail with a gaping mouth before slowly jerking his eyes forward, his fearful shivering redoubling. "This can't be happening, this can't be happening, this can't be—!"

"Save some of that fear and terror for Chopper, Hoggy," Lassoo chuffed even as he kept his nose pointed in the air, sniffing for any traces of necrotized flesh coming our way. "Seriously, if you thought you were crazy _before—?"_

"I am _not_ crazy!" Hogback snarled, life actually flowing back in him. "I am not and have never _been_ anything less than the absolute _picture_ of mental health! It is a legitimate fact proven, by a symposium of scientists the world over that I myself was a part of, that doctors are _incapable_ of suffering from the pedestrian affliction recognized as 'going mad'! The word you're looking for in _my_ field is 'medical genius'! And you can see the proof of it for yourself, right behind these—"

 **"** **I think…"**

We all froze as a chilling voice cut in, and watched with varying levels of trepidation as a titan of fur and fury walked out from behind an upcoming doorframe.

 **"** **That your conclusion could use some independent scrutiny,"** a very heavy Heavy Point Chopper growled, glaring syringes into Hogback's by-now sweat-coated spectacles.

"Ugugugugugugugugu— _GURK!"_ The surgeon's sputtering was choked off by Chopper's fist clamping down onto the folds of his throat and single-handedly lifting him into the air.

 **"** **Let's see if you still stand by your opinion once I'm through with you, HOGBACK,"** our crewmate spat in his _ex-_ idol's waxy face.

 _"_ _Damn, dude…"_ Soundbite whistled in awe.

"This is the first time I've ever actually used this word," Robin murmured with a slightly taken-aback look. "But ditto."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's freaky as all hell, we get that, we already know that from extreme personal experience…"

I glanced to the side and caught sight of the TDWS shifting around uncomfortably, their tails all twitching with ill-repressed eagerness.

"But now that he's got his pincushion, can we _go_ already!?" Leo pleaded desperately.

I shot a slight smirk at the dugongs. "Eager to get to the battlefront, I take it?"

"THERE IS AN ARMY OF _ZOMBIES_ OUT THERE _AND WE'RE NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF FIGHTING IT!"_ Mikey burst out, steam all but howling from where his ears would be. "DO YOU _SEE_ HOW THE NATURAL ORDER IS BEING PERVERTED HERE!?"

I snickered at the reaction before deciding to do them the favor of jabbing my thumb over my shoulder. "Alright, alright, at ea—!"

 _"_ _THAT'S CONSENT, GOGOGO!"_

"—Gwah!?" I transitioned into a yelp of shock when I was nearly bowled over by the quarter's freaking _slipstream!_ It was only Robin's hasty intervention that prevented me from falling on my ass.

"Tenacious little devils, aren't they?" she chuckled.

I took a moment to get my bearings back on track, a chuckle escaping my lips. "And we wouldn't have them any other way. And _speaking_ of mentally unsound crewmates, hey Chopper!" I was actually quite proud of myself for not flinching when he transitioned a fraction of his glare from Hogback's sweat-soaked face. "Don't mean to break your buzz here, but I think the roll you're on is _epic,_ seriously. I just wanted to let you know… don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Uh…" Lassoo raised a paw uncertainly. "Isn't that kind of… _superfluous,_ considering your whole… 'Spandam episode'?"

My grin took on a decidedly blood-laden overtone. "I stand by every word I just said."

Hogback's whimpering intensified as Chopper, Lassoo, and Robin matched my grin, and that was the last I saw before our doctor started dragging him away by his neck, the doors to the lab's stairwell ominously slamming shut behind him.

There was a moment of silence before, naturally…

"ALRIGHT, THEN!"

Soundbite broke it with a bang.

 _"_ _Break out your parkas, kiddies, BECAUSE OUR_ _NEXT DESTINATION IS NONE OTHER_ _ **than Freezer 900!"**_

 **-o-**

The events that would one day be published as the first-and-final war of Thriller Bark continued to rage before the mansion where the masters of the island dwelled. No zombie on Thriller Bark was inactive now; the Generals were being roused, and every other cadaver was assembling to fend off the infamous Straw Hat Pirates.

The fight seemed even as it was; for all that the invaders knew the zombies' weakness, the ones who weren't smart enough to guard their mouths were long since purified, and the remainder were putting up a decent fight. On the other hand, for all that the zombies were impervious to pain, they were quite simply only able to stand against the pirates because of their superior numbers.

Yet, for all of the warring, two figures moved through the crowd, not attempting to strike any combatants. Likewise, none of the combatants attempted to strike them. They moved unimpeded, side-by-side, towards the dead center of the fight. A point where another similarly uninvolved figure was approaching, walking at a perfectly leisurely stroll.

The reason that nobody was attempting to attack either of the noncombatants was simple: neither pirate nor zombie had any desire whatsoever to interfere with three of the most infamous swordsmen known to Thriller Bark, whether they were on the same side or _not_.

Zoro stayed a few steps back as Brook stood across from the zombie who bore his shadow, regarding him with the most polite of impassiveness. Ryuma, in turn, did nothing besides granting the skeleton the honor of his full attention. For an endless minute, all they did was stare at each other, their lack of eyes doing nothing to ease the tension that was driving all of their allies and enemies alike away from them.

Finally, Ryuma broke the scene when he tilted his head _ever_ so slightly to the side. "Yohoho…one more time, then, old boy?" the past-and-present samurai breathed quietly.

Brook stood still for a few seconds longer before slowly reaching up and drawing the brim of his top hat down over his eyes. "When we last met, my mind was awhirl with emotion. I let my grief and my desperation cloud my intuition as a swordsman. I see now what I could not then: that while you might hold my skills in spirit… in flesh, you far surpass me. And so, I concede any battles I might fight with you…"

The gentleman skeleton raised his head, and glared at the samurai with defiant resolve. "But I _refuse_ to end my fight here," he growled, heat flaring in his every word. "Rather, I choose to take the option that was robbed of me so many years ago: I started this fight and I have done all that I can…"

"Meaning that now," Zoro spoke up solemnly, stepping forward as he tied his bandanna around his head. "It's my turn."

Brook's demeanor promptly lightened up, and he gave the closest approximation to a sunny smile he could. "Ah, yes, and for the record, while I appreciate your help, the fact remains that you're my very last hope in the whole wide world for escaping this hell with my pride as a swordsman, so if you lose, I'm going to haunt you until well after you die."

Zoro scoffed as he drew both Kitetsu III and the _seriously_ old, yet equally ready, katana he'd found on the Rumbars' ship. "So, no pressure, then."

"Exactly!"

Zoro rolled his eyes a final time, before turning them on Ryuma. His swords remained at his side, relaxed, and yet his guard was ironclad. Ryuma, for his part, betrayed nothing, and after several tense seconds under Zoro's gaze he tilted his head back and chuckled.

"Yohohoho! I feel like some tremendous predator is sizing me up! It feels almost…" The cadaver tilted his head to his side. "Familiar."

Drawing his sword, Ryuma threw his head back and outright _laughed_. "Yohohoho! I accept this battle!"

The samurai had scarcely finished speaking before Kitetsu and the old katana swung in, held at just the right length to bisect him at the neck and just below the breastbone, Wado sneaking in at the shoulder level. A black blade, a wavy water pattern decorating it, flashed up, halting the swords.

It could not, however, halt the momentum of Zoro's swing. Despite bracing, Ryuma was sent skidding to the side, though his guard remained raised.

This was a good thing, as Zoro crossed his arms, blades pointed outward with their points nearly touching. "Bull…" he growled, before sprinting forward. "Needles!"

To an outside observer, the sudden flip the swordsman went through as his blades met Ryuma's would have seemed like magic. Zoro, though, saw the truth: the zombie's black blade slipping between his, milliseconds before they would have stabbed him, and spinning. It was, essentially, a judo move with a sword, and as he landed, Zoro felt his respect for both the opponent in front of him and the owner of the shadow fueling said opponent go up a notch.

He had no time to think more on that, though, for Ryuma was on him, black blade thrusting forward to be caught on his crossed swords. Zoro made to counterattack, but the zombie withdrew himself, planting his other hand on the hilt and then double-tapping both Kitetsu and the old blade in a move that was both soft and delicate, and yet brought all the force of a hammer.

 _'_ _Damn, a sword-breaking technique!'_ he realized just a second too late. Kitetsu rang from the abuse, but held; the uppity-old-timer in his _other_ hand, however… well, suffice to say he went out with a bang.

"Yohohoho!" Ryuma chuckled at the look on Zoro's face. "I'm terribly sorry, I know it's not sporting, but I just have this feeling, you see! My instincts, they're telling me that if I hold _anything_ back against you, then I shall surely perish! Yohohoho~!"

Neither of the combatants noticed Brook clamping his hands on his jawbone to refrain from saying 'But you're already dead.' The inattentiveness on Zoro's part was due to him recalling that Cross mentioned that this zombie came from the New World. Which meant…

"…Does that mean you're going to be using… what was it called… Haki?" Zoro asked with a grimace.

"Haki?" Ryuma parroted, his head tilting to the side. "I've heard rumors, but I'm afraid I cannot use it myself."

Zoro spared a glance over his shoulder at the fight's observer before heaving a sigh. "…I see," he mused, reaching up to Wado. "Well, in that case—!"

 _"_ _Catch!"_

Acting on instinct, Zoro snapped his hand out and easily snatched a sword with a very familiar pair of tusks on its hilt out of the air.

"Sorry to butt in like this," Funkfreed vibrated in his palm. "And I know I'm not _exactly_ the katana you're used to, which is why you're not using Brook's, but I've got a strong will and… and… and c'mon, this is a fight between two master swordsmen! A once-in-a-wielder's lifetime opportunity! I couldn't resist! Please let me fight!"

"My word, that sword is talking!" Ryuma exclaimed.

Ignoring the zombie's outburst, Zoro silently hefted Funkfreed a few times, before slipping back into his original relaxed stance. "Don't transform, or I'll throw you away, even if it kills me."

"Wouldn't even if you paid me…" the Zoan-blade breathed euphorically. "I wouldn't miss this for all the peanuts in the world."

That done, Zoro turned his gaze back to Ryuma. "Alright, thanks for letting me sort this out. Shall we get back to it?"

"Hold a moment," the samurai said, holding out a hand. "After that display, I believe I owe you…" He reached up to grip the collar of his scarf. "A courtesy of my own."

There was an immediate reaction to the samurai grabbing his neckwear, but it wasn't from him, and it wasn't from Zoro or Brook either. Rather…

"OH, CRAP, RUN!"

It was from his fellow zombies, who, content up until now with merely keeping their distance and observing as they fought the enemy pirates, were running away from the fight as though their undead asses were on fire.

"OUTTA THE WAY, OUTTA THE WAY!"

"WATCH YOUR HEADS!"

"RYUMA'S GOING ALL-OUT! HEAD FOR THE FUCKING HILLS!"

Brook whipped his head to-and-fro, watching in confusion as the zombies retreated with extreme prejudice, the rest of the Straw Hats and the Rolling Pirates hot on their tails, leaving nobody else around to witness the fight. "What on earth…?"

"You'll have to forgive them," Ryuma hummed as he tugged his scarf down. The action drew the undivided attention of his opponent, as it unveiled a knot of surgical thread that was taut against his throat. "More than a few of them have been the victims of… _unfortunate mishaps_ whenever I do this."

Zoro tensed as his instincts _screamed_. "'This' being…?" he grit out.

Ryuma stilled, his lipless grin turning _feral._ "Why… whenever I go all-out, of course."

And without further ado, Ryuma grabbed a thread of the knot and _yanked,_ pulling it undone and letting the lines loose.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, streams of dark _ooze_ began seeping out of his body. Arms, legs, torso, all bled profusely with _something_ that was clearly not healthy and just as clearly not organic. The flow lasted less than a minute, but it made the display no less disturbing.

Brook's hyoid bounced fearfully as he took in the desecration of his shadow's vessel. "W-What on _earth—!?"_

"Hahahaha! Ahhhh, _yes!"_ Brook jumped in shock when Ryuma suddenly barked with laughter, swinging his torso left and right in obvious stretching motions. "Ooooh, this feels so good! I haven't felt this light in a long time! Now, then!" He eagerly held his blade up. "Just to be sure…"

The zombie-samurai swung his blade out, and all three of the Straw Hats stiffened in shock and (even a little bit on Zoro's part) fear as their battlefield suddenly became _devoid_ of all traces of fog.

"Ahhh…" Ryuma's sigh as he leaned his forehead against the back of his blade was almost euphoric. " _Much_ better…"

The Straw Hats all stared at the display before them. Then, Funkfreed whispered a single word, in a whisper that was equal parts terrified and exhilarated.

 _"_ _Lead."_

"Indeed…" Ryuma chuckled grimly, cracking his neck back and forth. "A precautionary measure Doctor Hogback implemented in me after the… third, I think? The third time I sliced a tower in half while practicing. Everyone was tired of cleaning up after me, so they decided that I'd be better off weighted down. I'm only ever allowed to truly let loose when I have need, and for _once…"_

A glint entered Ryuma's socket as he fell into a positively _masterful_ ready-position.

 _"_ _I have it…"_ the revenant breathed.

As Brook's already bone-white complexion grew even paler, Zoro's already eager grin became downright _feral,_ easily matching Ryuma's. _"Interesting."_

This time, Zoro waited for the attack to come. He wasn't disappointed; Ryuma _blurred_ out of existence. Spinning around, he planted Funkfreed in the ground, black blade slamming into him an instant later. Rearing back, Zoro stabbed forward with Kitetsu, only for Ryuma to vanish again, blurring back into existence behind his opponent.

"Zo—"

That was as far as Brook got before Zoro leaned his head back, catching the black blade on Wado Ichimonji. With his opponent at least briefly locked, he pulled Funkfreed out of the dirt and spun, Kitetsu joining the Zoan blade.

"Hawk Wave!"

Ryuma jumped over the sweeping steel and the razor-sharp wind they created, his sword sliding off of Zoro's and carving a thin line on his cheek. The zombie landed, Zoro swung back upright, and then they charged, blades clashing and locking like a pair of bull elephants in full musth, the shockwave kicking up dirt and dust around them.

"Incredible…" Brook breathed.

"Impressive," Zoro grunted, before glancing at the sword in Ryuma's hands. "Now I recognize that sword: that's the black blade, the dragon-slayer Shusui." His eyes narrowed, seeming to come to a decision. "You're holding my sword."

"Hmm?" Ryuma's socket blinked, and then he stiffened in realization, narrowing it as he angled his Shusui so that it glinted in the battle-light. "Oho… so, this is _your_ sword, is it?"

The shadows of Zoro's bandana seemed to tint pitch-black, and his eyes shone like hot coals in the gloom. "Damn right it is."

"Hmph. Well, if that's the case…" Breaking the lock, Ryuma leapt back, holding his blade in a basic kendo stance. **"Come and take it."**

With that, some sort of energy, in the kind of light blue of tropical seas and the hottest of flames, flared to life around the zombie. For a moment, the energy was just that: energy, wild and untamed, but then it started to take _form._ And the form it took…

Brook's jaw nearly dislocated with how low it dropped. "I-I don't believe my eyes…" he whispered.

Was that of a _dragon._ A 'mere' shade of one, perhaps, but a dragon nonetheless. Specifically, the energy coalesced into a positively _colossal_ eastern dragon, whose bulk remained coiled and writhing in the sky while its head bowed down to earth, bowed down to _Ryuma_. The swordsman was still visible through the spectre's form, but the abyssal blade, Shusui, was indistinguishable from the titanic obsidian tusk that formed the dragon's underbite.

 **"** **One Sword Style,"** Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ intoned imperiously, the air thrumming with his voice, his voice thrumming with pure _power._ **"Dragon Fang Stance."**

Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ raised his blade high _(coiled to strike)._ **"Prepare yourself, Roronoa Zoro!"**

It didn't take a genius to see the implications, and Zoro was moving even before Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ swung his blade down _(lashed out like lightning)_.

 **"** **Dragon** ** _(Heaven)_** **Slayer!"**

It was a good thing Zoro was moving before the attack was completed, as the strike of the dragon was almost _instant_. And the impact… well, it wasn't so much an 'impact' born of the corporeal world as it was a force of almost _cosmic_ proportions. A whole tract of earth just… _ceased to be._

The fact that a goodly chunk of the forest was missing too was concerning as well, yes, but as Zoro observed the scar on the earth, couldn't help but feel like he was missing _something_ crucial.

 **"** **My apologies, swordsman…"**

Zoro snapped his attention over to Ryuma _(The re-coiled Dragon)_ and blinked in confusion when he realized the opposing swordsman was staring skyward for some reason.

 **"** **But I simply could not help myself…"** the samurai _(dragon)_ continued, his tone wistful.

With the undead swordsman apparently not going to attack for the moment, Zoro followed his line of sight. What he saw left him frozen. "No way…" he choked out.

Overcome with his _own_ curiosity, Brook followed his fellow swordsman's gaze, but his befuddlement persisted, head tilted to the side. "What are you all looking at? All I see is a beautiful night sky." He stared skyward a moment longer before a sheen of cold sweat somehow shone on his bony brow. "Wait a second…"

 **"** **Habit…"** Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ sighed longingly as he watched the swath of stars shining down on them. **"Such an iron-wrought thing, no?"**

"You make a habit of slashing the _sky_ open?!" Zoro bit out.

"Forget the sky!" Brook shrieked in terror. "He cut clean through the whole of the _Florian!"_

 **"** **Well, that technique** ** _was_** **developed for slaying dragons[-]. It only makes sense that it would be able to reach the sky, no?"** Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ chuckled as the fog closed back up again. **"I'm quite proud to say that not one of my prey ever survived…** ** _and neither shall you."_**

"Tch!" Zoro grunted as he snapped his attention back to his opponent, who was rearing back for another strike. "108 Caliber Phoenix!"

The attack roared in to strike Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ , but aura or not, the samurai _(dragon)_ was just as fast, and neatly sidestepped _(weaved around)_ the razor wind so that it carried on into the distance.

 **"** **A bird daring to stand up against a dragon[-]?** ** _Foolishness!"_** Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ scoffed. **"Let me show you how it's** ** _really_** **done! Dragon** ** _(Heaven)_** **Slayer!"**

The dragon rent the heavens again, Zoro only just managing to dodge by grace of a frantic dive and roll, and the second he was on his feet he was sprinting towards his opponent. Unfortunately, while closing the distance between him and his opponent was an undeniable necessity, it had the unfortunate side effect of leaving him with a lot of forward momentum that made dodging the _next_ strike all but impossible.

So with dodging unfeasible, the only option left…

"Demon…" Zoro snarled, crossing his arms and blades across his chest, a shadowy cloaked figure shimmering into view behind him. "Oni Giri!"

Was to counter with the best he had.

 ** _CLANG!_**

Zoro barely withheld a sigh of relief even as, for only the second time in his life, the 'best he had' was utterly repelled. Thankfully, his ego was kept from bruising on account of how holding off a heaven-rending strike from a world-class swordsman was far less humiliating than his first experience, but there were two undeniable problems with this minor victory.

First, the recoil of his survival left him _wide_ open. And second, Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ was suddenly _directly in his face._

 **"** **Dragon[-] topples demon,"** the zombie _(Dragon)_ intoned grimly. **_"Fall."_**

Shusui swung up, the dragon following, and the beast _engulfed_ Zoro, launching him up into the sky as it rent the Florian fog once again. Brook couldn't help but gape in horror as, moments after the dragon swooped back down to earth, a blur of a form plummeted towards the ground like a biological meteor. It was on the way down that the extent of Zoro's damage became apparent.

Small burns and cuts decorated the swordsman's body like a macabre wall pattern, dripping blood that flowed in thin streams. His shirt, naturally, was hanging in tatters, and his pants weren't in good condition, either. It was his eyes, though, that were the worst: they'd rolled up into the back of his head, leaving only the whites visible.

But, just before reaching the ground, a curious thing happened: Zoro's eyes suddenly snapped back into focus, and he flipped in midair, managing to stick a three-point landing before painfully pulling himself to his full height.

"I am getting…" Zoro growled out painfully. _"Fucking tired_ of losing my damn shirts…"

"Oh my _…"_ Brook gaped in awe.

 **"** **Hmph… you're quite impressive,"** Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ snorted with no small amount of respect.

"And you're annoying," Zoro snarled.

 **"** **I beg your pardon?"** Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ cocked his brow in confusion.

"You're holding back," Funkfreed called out. "You can say what you want, but Shusui's too proud to lie. He's only holding back because you're not letting him go all-out."

 **"…** **is it wrong to want a good battle to last as long as possible?"** Ryuma _(Dragon)_ intoned softly.

"It is," Zoro grunted as he slowly fell into his ready-stance, his arms crossed over his chest again. "When I can _take it."_

Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ stared silently at him before slowly sheathing his blade _(drawing back, flames roiling in his maw)_. **"On your head be it."**

And with that, he slowly slid his left foot forward, leaning forward onto it while his other shoulder faced his opponent, his hand hovering inches from the hilt _(coils writhed and snapped in the sky, muscles and tendons tensing and untensing like a wave of flesh)_.

All Brook could do was hold his breath as the tension slowly but steadily ramped into an almost _tangible_ howl, the wind thrashing and clashing between the two swordsmen. Until finally, Ryuma _(The Dragon)_ moved first.

 **"** **Dragon** ** _(Heaven)_** **[GOD] Slayer."**

This time, Brook couldn't see the attack at all, it was so fast. All he saw was a flash of light. And then, when the spots cleared from his vision, the manse of Thriller Bark was illuminated by the veil of moonlight that shone upon it.

This feat was made possible by the fact that an entire _hemisphere_ of Florian mist had been eviscerated in the strike, even taking the topmost parts of the manor's tallest towers along with it.

Brook was not _quite_ as distressed from this development as he would normally be, though, on account of how the manor had been behind Ryuma for the duration of the fight.

As Brook parsed this development, the dust settled and the two fighters became visible again.

There was just an instant of Zoro possessing six arms and three faces, so brief Brook almost believed he'd imagined it, that faded into him merely holding one sword pointed out. And Ryuma…

Well… there was simply no way to sugarcoat matters: the zombie was currently missing about, oh, _half_ his torso. The revenant was barely standing, and Shusui was only just hanging in his remaining outstretched hand.

 **"** **Im…** impressive…" Ryuma wheezed, swaying on his feet as he slowly adopted a more at ease stance. His breath was no doubt scarce due to his lacking one of his lungs. "To turn my own attack on me… with interest, no less… masterful… but that form… the Asura, yes? I thought they were… creatures of destruction?"

Zoro chuckled, tinged with his own pain as he removed Wado from his mouth and started sheathing both it and Kitetsu, as well as dropping Funkfreed so he could stand on his own legs. "Common mistake. Two castes of Asura, one good and one bad. Vritra Stance is for offense, while what you just experienced was Varuna Stance."

"Counterattacks and defense… impressive…" Ryuma chuckled breathlessly. "If you have not named that attack yet… might I request… you utilize the term 'Samsara'? I believe…" His empty gaze grew slightly fond. "I have just experienced the truth of it…"

Zoro nodded solemnly. "I will."

"Glad… to hear it… ah, yes…" He held up Shusui. "He is yours, of course. But if I may… say my goodbyes?"

The Pirate Hunter didn't even hesitate to nod solemnly.

Ryuma nodded back before slowly turning his gaze to Brook. "I apologize…" he breathed somberly. "For my transgressions against you. My actions when last we met were… inexcusable."

Brook stared at him for a second before gripping his top hat and bowing his head. "And yet I forgive you anyway," Brook whispered. "In spite of the circumstances…" He slowly raised his head, and looked Ryuma in his empty eyes. "I am _proud_ that of all the bodies on this island, my shadow was granted the honor of giving the greatest samurai in the history of Wano, if not the _world,_ a second lease on life."

The Humming Swordsman drew his blade and raised it in salute. "Sir, it has been a _privilege."_

Ryuma nodded shakily, then turned his gaze away and upward, towards the moon. The samurai regarded the silver disk in silence even as the fog slowly started to encroach on the heavens again, falling to his knees. Twin streams of tears welled from the corpse's empty eyes, glinting in the moonlight.

"After five long years of darkness… to see the heavens one last time…" he whispered.

After a minute more of contemplation, Ryuma slowly turned his attention downward and traced Shusui's blade in the dirt, running it through the by now salt-laden soil of the battlefield. And then, once he was satisfied, he held his grim blade out at arm's length and flipped it in his palm, so that Shusui's tip rested on his stomach.

"Hear my last request," Ryuma spoke up a final time, his voice unwavering and full of strength. "When you reach the shores of Wano, and they see your black blade, tell them this! Both times…"

Ryuma tilted his head back and sucked in a deep breath before bellowing to the heavens.

"I, RYUMA OF WANO, LIVED A GOOD LIFE!"

And with his last vestiges of strength, he shoved his blade up to the hilt in his stomach and jerked it to the side.

Almost exactly as the Florian devoured the final slivers of moonlight, Brook's shadow silently slid clean from the corpse's side, an aged hand fell from the hilt it had been gripping…

And so Ryuma of Wano died for the second time.

 **-o-**

I stayed frozen at the dance hall's window a moment longer, staring outside in numb shock before slowly turning to face an equally astounded Robin. We both continued to gape before I got my wits about me and snapped my fingers before Soundbite, which shook _him_ out of his own shock and got him to do his duty.

"…So," I choked out. Hesitantly. "Anyone want to explain to me how the _hell_ I just caught sight of a beam of flipping _moonlight_ when this island is supposed to be _perpetually covered in fog?"_

 _"_ _Oh, oh, I can answer that, Cross!"_

I blinked in befuddlement as I processed the voice I just heard. It sounded half like Disney's mascot mouse, and half like what I had heard the one time I let morbid curiosity overcome my good sense and I asked Soundbite to play what he heard of Nami's candlelit dinner with her gold.

Both the combination and the latter were… _deeply_ disturbing.

"And the answer would be…?" I trailed off in dread.

 _"_ _I was actually a part of it! Suffice to say that Zoro's duel with Ryuma and the conclusion were_ supremely _epic. Ah,"_ Funkfreed blinked in realization. _"We won, by the way, just in case I wasn't clear on that."_

"YES!" I pumped my fist in triumphant relief. "That's two major birds with one big-ass stone; one of the strongest Zombies on the island's back at peace, and Brook has his shadow back now," I clarified to my confused companions, eliciting grins from them. Then I returned my attention to my conversation. "Aaand going by your euphoric tone, I'm guessing you had fun?

"Literally _the most fun I've had in my entire life!"_ Funkfreed laughed ecstatically. _"Put it this way, Cross: That fight_ mooore _than made up for all the wasted years I spent with Spandam. So… thank you, Cross, for giving me this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity."_

My gut promptly felt like it'd taken a straight-jab dead center. "…aaaand cue the guilt trip that you got that feeling from fighting with Zoro and not me." I dragged my hand down my face with a groan. "Mrgh… Make it up to you in days to come by letting you hardline sword-form even when we _aren't_ in the middle of a fight?"

 _"_ _Deal!"_ Funkfreed trumpeted eagerly. _"Though for now, I'll remain autonomous a while longer. 'Cause in the end, it really doesn't matter to me whether I'm going at it hybrid or_ au natural, _so long as I can be in the center of the brawl!"_

 _"_ _Yeah, yeah, good for you,"_ Zoro grunted off-handedly, his distraction no doubt stemming from examining his new ally-in-war. _"So, anything else you need us to do?"_

"Nah, nah," I waved him off dismissively. "Just go ahead and hitch a ride on Funkfreed and head back to the main brawl. Our work isn't done until every zombie on this island has been purified, or at least the vast majority before we wake Moriah up so that he can be _forcibly_ put down. I'm working on neutralizing the last major threat on the island, but I'll be heading your way as soon as that's done, so be ready, Funkfreed."

 _"_ _No problem, Cross!"/"Got it."_

"Perfect," I nodded in satisfaction. Once, the call dropped, I grinned from ear to ear and faced my comrades. "Now, then! Where were we exactly?"

"Right about here."

 _CLONK!_

"Gah, what the—!?" I flinched as Usopp plopped a… classic yellow-with-black-cross hardhat on my head?

I blinked at both my own headwear and the identical one my sniper was wearing before giving Usopp a funny look. "You carry spare hardhats with you?"

Usopp returned my look with just as much confusion, if not more. "You mean you don't?"

I opened my mouth to answer, and promptly clicked it shut as I found myself lacking a valid answer. "Fair 'nuff… alright, then!" I popped a thumbs-up at my partner and our gunner. "Soundbite, mute. Conis, let 'er rip!"

Soundbite's grin stretched wide, and all noise outside of the hall's borders was promptly eliminated. "WE'RE CLEAR!"

Conis popped us all a thumbs-up before focusing on the control-box in her hand, which had wires leading from it to several bundles that lined the edge of the freezer's vault-like door. "Fire in the—!" Conis was cut off as she pushed in the plunger—

 ** _KRA-BOOM!_**

And the door's hinges were blown clean off its frame. The door itself stood a few moments longer. At least, until Lassoo trotted up and poked it with his nose, causing the hunk of metal to keel over with a cavernous moan and a resounding _THUNK!_

Robin cocked an eyebrow at Conis as she removed her hardhat from her Stetson. "'Hole', I presume?"

Conis smiled beatifically as she handed the control box back to Usopp. "'Haunted mansion', actually!"

"Ah, of course, of course."

"No time for a horse, let's go!" I crowed, tossing my own hat back to Usopp and jogging ahead into the hallway.

I was immediately grateful for the running start, because the mere _concept_ of trying to inch my way into the chilling air that filled the hallway was frigid in itself.

"Brrr!" Usopp shivered as he ran after me, rubbing his arms with an almost desperate kind of franticness. "I knew the people who lived here were cold-blooded, but this is ridiculous!"

"Only the best for number 900, Usopp!" I informed him as I kept myself moving, unwilling to give my blood time to freeze. "Moriah didn't want to so much as _risk_ his crowning achievement becoming compromised!"

"Yeah, about that…" Lassoo panted, shooting me a quizzical look as he kept pace. "You haven't told us what this '900' guy is _like_ yet. I mean, you've said before that he's the strongest corpse here, but what separates him from the other zombies? Is he super-enhanced compared to the others, is he a chimaera of species, does he have a Devil Fruit, what?"

 **"** **Size,"** Soundbite responded grimly. _"HE'S THE STRONGEST_ THROUGH SHEER _size."_

"So…" Conis started uncertainly. "He's a giant then?"

I nodded my head to the side, grimacing. "Well, he's _giant,_ I'll give you that much _._ "

That earned me a blink of confusion from the angel. "Uh… why are you putting it like—?"

Conis suddenly cut herself off dead. No gasp, no choked off garble, no nothing. Just… silence.

It was like that for each and every last one of us. One second noise and motion, the next utter stillness, none of us even daring to breathe. Why, you ask? Simple.

Because we'd just entered Freezer No. 900. And what stood, what _towered_ above us was, was… _so far_ beyond normal description.

Up until that point, I'd been content to label Oars as a 'mega-giant', a giant's giant because, well… that was all I really knew him as. But now… now I knew better.

Now I'd seen him in the actual flesh, seen his horns, pillars of pure bone towering above me. Now I'd seen his bulk, this… this… this _wall_ of patchwork flesh stretching out before me and disappearing below. Now I'd seen something once-living whose size could only be measured in units applicable to _maps._

Honestly, it was the freezer that _really_ told the true story. It was just… a _pit._ A pit of darkness and cold and death. There has only ever been _one_ name for any creature that has dwelled in such a pit.

"Titan…" I breathed, my voice equal parts terrified and reverential.

"He was going to fight Kaido…" Robin whispered numbly. "With _this?"_

It took all I had to shake my head. "Other way around. He needed _this_ to fight _Kaido."_

Lassoo licked his chops nervously before raising his hackles. "Existential crises later, making sure that this thing never has the chance to wake up _now."_

"Only one problem with that, Lassoo…" Usopp swallowed heavily. "How the hell do we kill something _that's already dead!?"_

 ** _"_** ** _Allow me to elucidate!"_**

I jerked out of my stupefaction as for _once_ I was actually grateful to hear the Sound of Madness. "Chopper," I sighed in relief. "I take it you found Hogback's blueprints for his _pièce de résistance?"_

 ** _"_** ** _Blueprints nothing, he outlined it perfectly before I could even touch him in an effort to save his own skin,"_** Chopper snorted dismissively, donning a vicious leer. **_"Not that it did him much good. Eheheheeeeeh…"_**

I allowed a single shiver to travel down my spine before refocusing. "Soooo I take it by the fact that you're calling us, you have a way to make this rotting husk double-dead?"

 ** _"_** ** _Deader than even that. Doesn't matter how big or small the organism; if it suffers the fate I have outlined, not even the mightiest of Devil Fruits could revive it! It's genius genius_** **GENIUS!"**

I shot a glare at Soundbite, who leered tauntingly. _"Don't look at me~!"_

I gave a disgruntled huff and rolled my eyes before glancing skyward. "Aaaand I don't suppose that the method for bringing about this 'fate' of yours is easy and painless for us to complete?"

Chopper's mad ramblings promptly died, and there was a moment of silence before he started chuckling nervously in his _own_ voice. _"Eheheh… weeeeell…"_

"Oh, dear…" Robin sighed, though the smile she was wearing told a whole different story.

"Just get it over with," I dragged my hand down my face with a groan.

"Oh, come on, Cross!" Conis piped up with her usual cheer. "We do this, however uncomfortable, and we're all good! How bad—!" Credit to Conis, her hand was clamped over her mouth by the time I turned around, and she even had the wherewithal to chuckle sheepishly as she removed it. "Ah… sorry, forgot for a second there. Doesn't count if you didn't say the whole thing?"

 _"_ _Yeah, see, here's the thing about that…"_

And so Chopper relayed his plan to us. It was a good plan, a detailed plan, a well-thought-out and _logical_ plan… but there was just ooone problem with it.

A problem that led Conis and I to exchange sickly grimaces and speak the following words as one:

"This is going to _suck…"_

 **-o-**

"Lightning Bolt Tempo!"

 _ZAP!_

"Kill-stealer!" Boss barked out a laugh as the zombie he'd been about to pummel was suddenly blasted away by a bolt of lightning. "But eh, so long as you're _here—"_ He shot a pumped-up thumbs-up at the shipbound team as they charged onto the battlefield. "Glad to have you!"

"Glad to _be_ here, Boss," Nami snarled through a nearly bestial grin, her crackling and tempestuous halo sending many a zombie running, albeit without much luck.

"Boss, what's the status report so far?" Vivi asked, balancing on Carue's back with one hand while spinning a salt-crusted Lion Cutter in the other.

"Eh, the battle ebbs and flows." Boss glanced at the frontline with an analytical look. "We make pushes and knock 'em down, even manage to salt a few, but then they push back and grab the downed ones away and patch them up so that they can fight again. The main issue here is exhaustion, namely that we get it and they _don't._ We've been cycling well enough, but…" Boss trailed off for a second, blinking his eyes before pinching the bridge of his nose. "Anyway, yeah, we're, ah… starting to feel ten minutes of straight fighting hitting us… I mean sure, 'Nightmare Luffy' has been helping us hold the line…"

"But I'm not hearing that 'but' in your voice, am I?" Merry questioned despondently (or as despondently as a person could be when bashing one zombie over the skull with another).

 _"_ _But…"_ Boss grit out as the blue behemoth leading their charge suddenly jerked to a stop and essentially _disintegrated_ into a geyser of umbral anima. And a mere twenty seconds later, there was their captain, hunched forward on his knees. "It looks like our damn time using him is up, meaning that it's gonna be a _slog_ from here on out." A sweatdrop hung from his shell as the zombies surged forward with a roar. "Soooo that's the bad news—!"

"BUT THERE IS GOOD NEWS!"

 _KRA-KOOM!_

Without warning, the zombie-charge was suddenly _blasted_ apart from the inside out, sending _dozens_ of the undead sprawling and the rest reeling in shock.

"FOR WE!" Leo barked confidently, leading the TDWS in maintaining a group-pose. "ARE HERE!"

"HA!" Boss puffed his chest out as his students glared down the zombies around them. "Looks like I actually might have been speaking too soon! Nice work, boys!"

"Woohoo!" Carue pumped his wing victoriously. "Tidesh turn quick! Owah cavalwy has awwived!"

 _"_ _What a coincidence…"_

Spines froze all along the battlefront as a grim susurrus wafted through the air.

The Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad were _particularly_ petrified, on account of how the voice came from a knight with a three-eyed mask and animalistic gauntlet-claws who'd _somehow_ appeared _directly in their midst._

 _"_ _For you see,"_ the knight hissed menacingly, _"We, the General Zombies of Thriller Bark, have_ also _arrived."_

Acting fast, the TDWS _tried_ to lash out at their ghastly assailant—

 _"_ _GAH!"/ "GRK!"/ "ACK!"/ "SONNUVA—!"_

And _failed_ when said assailant's arms both split in half and bodily _snatched_ them out of the air by their throats.

 _"_ _Allow me,"_ the cadaver rasped with a shuddering breath. _"To_ introduce _you!"_

And with _that_ ominous statement, the knight's torso suddenly spun around like a _rotor,_ whipping the TDWS about like ragdolls and flinging them to separate parts of the battlefield before they could react.

Boss's eye twitched, and it had _nothing_ to do with the renewed surge of heavily armed and even more heavily skilled zombies that was pushing back the Rolling Pirates. "So. I'll be taking four-arms and no-brains."

"Fine by me," Sanji huffed, waving his hand dismissively as he walked away, casually smacking down any zombies that tried to get in his way. "I'll go and find mosshead, dig him out of the flood of bodies he's no doubt going to bury his dumb green ass in."

"Let's see if Cross's advice about my thieving skills can be applied to my mass-pickpocketing routine…" Nami mused as she faded into thin air.

"Triage for me!" Merry cackled as she jogged away as fast as her minor limp allowed. "Time to play _mad_ doctor!"

"Let them eat salt!" Vivi proclaimed with an imperious wave of her hand before smiling sheepishly at Carue. "How does that sound to you?"

"Eh…" Carue waved his wing with a wince. "Good, but aye can't help but feel shome senshe of forebowding fwom it."

"Bah, I'll work on it," Vivi waved her hand dismissively. "For now though, _hiyah!"_ And with a kick of her heels, she and her duck shot into the fray. Or at least, _over_ it from the way Carue was kicking off the undead's heads.

Boss, meanwhile, stayed where he was, staring at the approaching three-eyed knight in silence before taking his cigar from his lips. "A few months back," he sighed, smoke whooshing from his muzzle. "I wouldn't have even given you the time of day for hurting my students. Buuut seeing as I'm now certain that they can handle themselves and nothing you clowns can throw at them will actually do jack shit…" He upgraded his dart's motion from pendulum-like swinging to full-blown rotation. "'Man of the Sea' Boss Dugong, Captain of the Straw Hat Pirates' ship guard. You?"

The knight snorted derisively. _"The dead have no need for names."_

His four arms split anew into an _octet_ of bladed limbs.

 _"_ _Die with the title 'Jorōgumo' etched in your heart."_

Boss' eyes fell into a deadpan glare. "Charming."

And with that, any further words were foregone in favor of leaping at one another with the utmost of fury.

 **-o-**

"Hey, Conis," I grunted as I reaffirmed my grip. "You ever get asked, as a kid, what you wanted to be when you grew up?"

"On and off for several years, though not anytime recently," she responded offhandedly, more focused on her footing than me. "Not many on Angel Island wanted to give thought to the future once Eneru took over, and after that…" The angel nodded her head to the side with a shrug. "Well, I found my calling with this crew, so not much reason to think of anything else, you know?"

"Fair enough, fair enough…" I mused. "Me, I got asked that constantly. Go-to for school counselors and parents, really. The answer varied, over the years. At first there were the classic answers."

"Which, for your world, would be…" Conis trailed off expectantly.

 **"** **Firefighters and police officers,** _both due to the heroism,_ AND THE ODD CONSTRUCTION WORKER. **COOL JOB, SEE."**

"Ah, I see," Conis nodded in agreement. "Makes sense, I always thought the Cloud Workers looked cool myself."

"Yeah. There was actually a period where I was on an architect kick for a bit. Seemed easy enough, I liked geometry… then I learned how much art was involved and I dropped it like a hot potato. I draw like Luffy, see," I bit out, wiping the sweat from my brow.

"Naturally, naturally."

"Anyway…" I glanced downward before continuing. "After that, there was a bit of a wandering period, but right before I came here, I was actually studying to be an English Major."

 _That_ actually drew a blink of surprise from Conis. "Oh, you write?"

"Eh, not anymore. Not much point, ya know?"

"Er…?" she asked.

"Anyway," I pushed on. "The point I was trying to get at is that at no point did I ever envision myself a world-infamous/famous pirate, out having the wildest of adventures on the high seas—!"

"LOOK OUT _above."_

"—Sonnuva—!" I hastily whipped my gauntlet above my head.

 _SMASH!_

And winced as a frozen bat shattered on my forearm before sending a glare into the darkness above. "And I sure as _hell,"_ I concluded. "Never saw myself rappelling down the gullet of a titan's frozen _corpse_ so that I can preemptively kill its brain!"

Conis chuckled in dry amusement as she shifted her bazooka's footing on her back before giving herself more slack with which to keep descending the wall of frozen flesh. "Cross," she scoffed. "I think it's safe to assume that _nobody_ has ever envisioned themselves in _any_ of the situations we've been involved in in the history of _ever."_

 **"** **You mean** ** _besides every SUPER-OBSESSED_** FANBOY _AND FANGIRL ever?"_ Soundbite interjected.

I felt a snort and a shift on my back. "Less meta," Lassoo grumbled irritably. "More _moving._ I'm freezing my tail off back here."

"On it, on it," I waved my mutt off. And with that, we resumed climbing down Oars' throat.

…I…suppose that whole bit deserves, if not outright _requires,_ some context, doesn't it?

See, the primary issue with trying to harm Oars? It wasn't just his sheer size, it was the fact that he was literally built for not just combat, but all-out New World _warfare._ And apparently, _that_ necessitated a hide that was not only several _meters_ thick, but _also_ as hard as a damn battleship. No wonder Zoro could barely cut the bastard, Mihawk himself would have… alright, he'd probably be able to chop Oars in half lengthwise without even looking up from his morning papers, but my point about Oars being thick in more ways than just his head still stands!

I'd told Chopper how we'd incapacitated the titan in the story, and he was extremely impressed with his original self's genius. But unfortunately, Oars' stupidly massive and quite literal dead weight and our lack of means meant that we couldn't exactly replicate the circumstances. Still, he _was_ able to identify one viable weakness in the corpse's biological blueprint. Speaking of which…

"Hey Chopper!" I called mouthwards. "We're about… ah…"

"25, 30 feet down the throat from the mouth!" Conis offered.

"Yeah, that. We there yet?"

 _"_ _Ahhh… lemme see, lemme see, what is that in inches, damn chart doesn't have a legend… ah, right! Alright, give it another five feet to be safe and then you should be good!"_

"Do we really need to go this far down, Chopper?" I groaned even as I kept giving myself slack to descend. "I mean, we're _already_ inside his throat, what does it matter how deep we go?"

 _"_ _It_ matters _because you need to be in precisely the exact spot to have a chance of hitting Oars' spinal column anytime soon!"_ Chopper explained with strained patience. _"I don't know what Moriah was expecting Oars to fight in the New World, but whatever it was, he had Hogback deck him out to hell and back. Even his throat is reinforced for several meters!"_

"And you said he _needed_ this to fight Kaido?" Conis swallowed heavily.

"And we're going up against him ourselves. Fun, no?" I responded dryly.

 _"_ _What you're looking for is a form of sweet spot,"_ Chopper continued. _"An area of the esophagus_ after _Hogback was given the go-ahead to stop reinforcing, but_ before _the esophagus turns away from spine in favor of the stomach… er, command center… you get my point. Anyway, dig too soon and you'll hit reinforced muscle to match his epidermis. Too late, not exactly_ reinforced _muscle, but still a_ lot _of it."_

"YEAH, **_because we wouldn't want_** **ANY MORE TROUBLE** _THAN WE'VE ALREADY HAD…"_ Soundbite grumbled. _"Like the zipline from hell_ **wasn't fun enough."**

 _"_ _You do better with limited supplies, ass-biter!"_ Usopp snapped indignantly.

 _"_ _Forgive me for not exactly having a steady grip on the free-hanging weight of two adults plus_ baggage," Robin concurred much more calmly, but also far more dryly.

 _"_ _Thank you for not letting us plummet to our doom!"_ the four of us chorused with no small amount of desperation.

"A-Anyway, I'm fairly certain we're where you want us," Conis coughed uneasily, glancing… 'up', as it were, at the opposite wall of the cavernous flesh-tube we were in. "I suppose it _looks_ softer than what we were going down before. So, I suppose now…?"

"We start digging," I huffed, hefting a fully gun Lassoo from my back and pointing him 'upwards'. "Congratulations are in order, Conis, we're about to perform the most roughshod and unique lobotomy in the history of medicine."

 _"_ _I'LL ALERT_ **the folks at GUINNESS."**

"Forgive me if I don't exactly seem eager," Conis snorted in an unladylike manner, hefting her own bazooka before knocking her cannon's muzzle against my own. "Cheers, Cross."

"Right back at ya," I grit out as I braced myself. "Alright, firing in three, two—!"

"Cani-Blast!"

"Burn Bazooka!"

 ** _FWOOM!_**

Conis and I both sighed in relief as our guns blasted out twin pillars of flame that combined into an _inferno._ While the position was more than a bit awkward, at least the heat from the flames did _something_ to alleviate the sub-zero temperatures.

Still, though…

"Chopper, how long do you think it'll take us to dig through?" I asked.

 _"_ _Erm… well, seeing as there's still several meters of flesh between you and the bone? IIIII'd get suggest you all get as comfortable as you can manage. Sorry?"_

Conis and I both froze in place before we _slooowly_ turned our heads to glance at one another. I then opened my mouth to say something.

"If you suggest I Spy in _this_ place," she whispered solemnly. "I will punch your head from your scrawny shoulders."

"Wasn't gonna say nothin'!" I hedged hastily, glancing away with a whistle.

 _"_ _Yeah, THE HELL YOU—!"_

 _THWACK!_

 **"** **YEOW!"**

"Shut up, Soundbite," we chorused as one.

 **"** **Bastards."**

 **-o-**

"Tidal-Swim-Tidal-Swim-TIDAL SWIM DAMN IT A—oh, there we go," Leo blinked in honest surprise as he flipped himself over in midair and actually managed to kill his downward momentum. "Huh… so _that's_ how it's done… surprisingly easy once you get used to it."

"GROAAAAR!"

Leo blinked, and glanced down to a veritable legion of zombies.

"Drawing attention to yourselves like that?" the dugong smirked, drawing his blades. "Tsk, tsk, not smart."

That briefly drew the zombies up short, each looking at each other in confusion. And that opening was enough for Leo to cut his Tidal Swim, dropping to the ground, his blades whirling out and finding the necks of two zombies. Both promptly collapsed like they'd been turned to jelly, shadows flying into the sky.

"Alright," Leo said as he straightened. "Who wants some?" Not waiting for an answer, he jabbed one of his swords at a random zombie. "You. You want some."

Before the poor zombie could in any way deny that it wanted _any_ , Leo was up in his personal space, sword shooting up and through his throat.

That was enough for the rest of the zombies, who to a cadaver decided that discretion was, indeed, the better part of valor.

Or, to put it another way, they ran like children.

Leo, naturally, gave pursuit. Two fell to his blades just after they began to run, and with Rip Tide, the rest weren't going anywhere. The dugong was a blur of shell and steel, each strike unerringly finding a necrotized throat and carving it open. A few zombies, seeing that running was futile, tried to fight back. That was just as futile.

Finally, Leo swung his blades out only to find that he was standing alone on a field of unmoving corpses.

"Huh," he said, lowering one blade and holding the other up for inspection. "Nice. That salt paste of Chopper's is really holding up well. Now, what to do…"

Suddenly, Leo's head whipped around to a seemingly random spot of foliage. "I know you're there!" he called out. "Show yourself!"

The bushes rustled, and a corpse stumbled out. With bottle in hand, dressed in a tattered captain's coat and equally tattered striped pants, and stringy silver hair, he looked the perfect picture of a drunken bum, swords at his hip notwithstanding.

"…And here I was worried." Leo let his shoulders slump with a disappointed sigh. "And you even have _swords…_ bah, screw it, might as well get this over with. Rip Tide." And with that, Leo blurred from sight.

 _CLANG!_

Somehow, that did not end with a salted zombie, but instead Leo's blade getting quite casually knocked away.

"What the heck?!" Leo yelped, hastily recovering from the hit, only to blink in confusion as the zombie merely took another swig of its drink. "O… _kay,_ let's try that again…"

So saying, Leo struck _again_ , tightening his swing, and once again it was casually batted away, the zombie continuing to drink in spite of his liquor continuously draining out. The dugong narrowed his eyes, flippers tightening their grip on his hilts.

"Alright, then…"

Vanishing in another Rip Tide, this time Leo didn't just attack once. Both of his blades blurred in, and while they kept getting batted away, the zombie was staggering backwards to keep up the defense. Different angles were tried: head strikes, body strikes from the side, thrusts. All were countered. All forced another step back.

And yet, the damn zombie just _kept drinking!_

"You drunken bastard… This is a fucking _swordfight!_ A clash of blades and wills! And you clearly have skills, so stop _screwing around and take!_ THIS! _SERIOUSLY!"_ Leo roared, punctuating his final howl by slamming both blades into the zombie's guard. Said guard still stood firm, but the zombie was forced to inch back, and was jolted so bad he spilled a splash of his booze on his shirt.

That… actually drew some emotion from the zombie. He paused, casting a sightless glance down at the stain before returning his attention to the bottle, swirling about the remaining booze at eye level.

Without missing a beat, the zombie took another pull of his drink, and then out of _nowhere_ hurled the bottle at Leo with all the force his necrotized muscles could muster. The surprised dugong had the wits to cross his blades in a guard—

 _BLAM!_ SMASH!

 _"_ _GAH!"_ Leo flinched in shock and terror as the bottle suddenly _exploded_ in midair for no apparent reason, spraying him with lead and glass and leaving him _reeling._ He _tried_ to recover, to properly maintain his guard—!

 _THWACK!_

"GUH!" But all he could do was grunt as the air was _literally_ punted from his gut by the pirate, sending him rolling across the field of bodies.

Once Leo's momentum stopped, he flipped himself to his stomach and hung his head with a groan. "Sonnuva _bitch,_ I need to get Shell Body down ASAP…" he wheezed.

"Yar har har… ye have me thanks, bucko…"

Leo snapped his head up, and beheld the fact that his opponent's _entire_ demeanor had pulled a complete 180. Where one moment had stood a lazy and slouched drunkard, there was now an actual _pirate,_ holding his head high with a confident leer and wielding a cutlass in one hand and a _smoking_ pistol in the other.

"Yer harsh tone and yer impressive skills with the blade have served ta _finally_ rouse me from this accursed stupor of mine," the zombie chuckled menacingly. "Finally, for the first time since I woke anew, I actually feel _alive!_ And it's with this very feeling!"

The zombie snapped his blade up and jabbed the tip at Leo.

 _"_ _That I intend ta send yer shelled arse straight ta Davy Jones Locker!"_ he roared eagerly. "Prepare yerself, enemy-mine, for ye face the age-old scourge of the six seas, the most infamous lord o' piracy in all o' Paradise's history! Aye, I be he! The one, the only, _Captain 'Long' John 'Silverteeth'! YAR HAR HAR!"_

Leo stared at the pirate in awe, his mouth agape, until he realized that something didn't quite add up. "Uhhh…?" he trailed off uncomfortably as he gestured at his _own_ teeth.

"ME CORPSE WAS DESECRATED BY THE SALTY DOGS I CALLED A CREW, YE IDJIT!" John roared indignantly. "TRUST ME, WAY BACK WHEN, I _HAD_ TEETH O' SILVER, AND EVERYONE IN THESE WATERS FEARED THEM AS THOUGH THEY BELONGED TO DAVY JONES HIMSELF!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say…" Leo pulled himself to his tail, swords at the ready, before slowly donning a smirk. "'Gramps'."

John stilled, his expression sinking into one of murderous rage. "Allow me to educate ye, ye salty _cur,"_ he growled. "About how a _true pirate FIGHTS!"_

And in a blur of movement, the clash was _on._

 **-o-**

 _CRASH!_

"Eurgh… Tidal Swim's cool and all, but now I need to figure out how to get rid of the damn _cramp_ …" Mikey groaned, working himself out of the ground. "'Course, I already know how Boss is gonna suggest I do it: Tail-lifts, and a _lot_ of them. That's gonna _suck…_ "

 _BAM!_

Neither his expression nor his position changed as he drew one of his pistols and fired it to his left, right into the belly of a zombie that'd been reaching for him. His other flipper snapped out one of his nunchucks and effectively knee-capped another undead assailant that had been winding up to stamp on his head.

"Because I."

He flung out his nunchucks to his other side, neatly bisecting a zombie in a cloud of dust and sending both halves flying.

"Hate!"

Charging straight at a line of zombies trying to rush him, he swung his nunchucks like they were made of air, six blows sending six zombies flying, embalming fluid flying.

 _"_ _TAIL-LIFTS!"_

The last zombie in the line tried to run. All that meant was that he was hit in his back instead of chest; he still went flying.

Heaving out a deep sigh, Mikey holstered his pistol and relaxed a bit. "Whoo, I feel better now. If this is why Raphey hits things when she gets mad, I can see why!"

"Ya-ha!"

Mikey frowned and looked up at the strange cry. Up above was a zombie, but not just any zombie. This one had large, bat-like wings stretched over its arms, which were presumably how it was circling overhead.

"Kekekeke! I see you down there, little dugong!" Hildon cackled, continuing to circle. "Soon, I shall return with an _army_ of zombies!"

"Yeeeaaah, about that," Mikey slowly drawled, unable to hide the grin that stretched across his face as he realized that the throbbing in a certain _area_ had gone down. "Tidal Swim."

With two powerful kicks of his tail, the dugong shot up into the air, pistol coming out to take a shot at the zombie's mouth once he matched altitude. He never got the chance; Hildon yelped and turned around the second Mikey launched the first Tidal Swim, fleeing for his un-life.

"Hey, get back here!" Mikey snapped, pushing off the air after the zombie. What ensued was one of the more bizarre chase scenes ever: a zombie in a bat costume that _somehow_ allowed him to fly being chased by a manatee-sea turtle hybrid jumping off the air. Of course, as focused as Mikey was on the chase even he couldn't miss that they were heading for the central mansion of Thriller Bark. Any thoughts of cutting off the chase, though, were dashed when Hildon dove for the ground.

"Gotcha!" Mikey shouted, following in a dive of his own.

Both fighters promptly bounced off the ground and into the brush, one after another. As Mikey did so, he grabbed his nunchucks and reared them back, ready for whatever counterattack was coming.

Oh, wait, that's a lie. He certainly wasn't ready for Hildon to jam a machine gun in his face, though any claims that he screamed like a little girl were also lies.

"Rip-Tide-Rip-Tide- _Rip-Tide!"_ Mikey yelped, flinging himself back just as the zombie pulled the trigger. The bullets passed harmlessly to the side of the dugong as he skidded into the nearest clearing, glaring daggers at Hildon as he stepped out of the bush. He would have launched himself at the zombie, but a rustling from the shrubbery caught his attention.

Out of the corner of his eye, Mikey watched as the largest man he'd seen that _wasn't_ a giant stepped out of the foliage. Maybe not as tall as the Franky Family's big shipwreckers, but not far behind, and as wide as he was tall. Despite the rolls of fat, Mikey could make out powerful muscles underneath, an observation helped by some literal holes down to the musculature. And wonder of wonders, this one actually had an expression, albeit one of dopey happiness.

"What took ya so long, damn fatty?" Hildon groused. "And where's the rest of ya?"

"Sorry, Hildon," the big zombie sheepishly apologized. "We got a bit lost."

"Umf!"

That would be another zombie walking up beside the big one and pumping its fist, this one shorter but just as round, with a bright red nose that somehow hadn't decayed at all.

In fact, to Mikey's dismay, more zombies were practically crawling out of the woodwork. Off to his other side was another trio, much smaller and skinnier than the ones to his left. One was hanging upside down from a tree like a monkey, a piece of tape holding its nose together. Another had a forehead that seemed almost too long to be real, and gave off a palpable aura of patheticness. And finally, one taller zombie busily tying its thin hair back in a ponytail… and it then kicked up one of its legs near vertical once it was done.

"Ahahahaha!"

Behind came more rustling, and Mikey chanced a look back. These three were near indistinguishable, aside from hairstyle: one blond crewcut, one black mullet, and some… blond… starfish thing. The goggles were a better distinguishing mark, anyway.

"Huh?"

"Huh?!"

"HUH?!"

And then finally, one more appeared in front of Hildon in a burst of speed, this one wearing a strange helmet with a grid-like guard over the mouth and a reflective visor. More importantly, the dugong had only barely caught its arrival.

"Ya-ha! Everyone's finally here!" Hildon declared, raising his machinegun high. "You know what to say, boys!"

"WE'LL KILL 'IM!" all the gathered zombies roared.

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" Hildon concurred, blasting a round of bullets in the air.

"Great…" Mikey groaned as he readied his 'chuks, spinning them in anticipation for a fight. "Why do I get the feeling that the others are having an easier time of things?!"

 **-o-**

"Nooooriiiii… _Arts!"_ Raphey flipped herself around in midair and managed to stick a _beautiful_ touchdown of a landing, her grin positively massive as she held her arms above her head. "Hahaha! 'Dodging is useless' my tail! I'm going to rub this _so hard_ in those morons' faces! …when I find them again, at any rate."

"CARVE 'ER UP! TURTLE SOUP, À LA CARTE!"

Raphey snapped around at the sound of the bellow, and caught sight of a tattered butcher's outfit and a massive cleaver heading for her suddenly raised sai.

 _CLANG!_

She gritted her teeth at the force that slammed between the main blade and one of the side blades, but she managed to maintain her stance before placing both flippers on the sai, and _twisting it—_

 _CHINK!_

Snapping the massive cleaver down the middle. The butcher gaped comically at his broken blade for a couple of seconds. Then, with even _more_ force, he slammed a foot into her belly - and blinked in confusion when it did _jack all._

 _"_ _Vad?"_ he questioned in an unintelligible language.

"I'm a girl with three brothers," Raphey smirked confidently. "Those three _know_ Shell Body. Me? I'm _good_ with it."

"Not so good with peripheral vision though, huh?"

"Wha—?" Raphey turned her head in confusion, and promptly widened her eyes in shock as she watched a _huge_ zombie with an even huger club lifelessly collapse to reveal her savior: a woman with pink hair and… a _great_ personality, wielding a pair of katana. "Ah… yeah…" Raphey chuckled sheepishly, even as she stabbed her sais into the butcher's leg and flipped him onto the ground, shoving a wad of salt down his throat. "Even with 'good' Shell Body, that would have been… _bad._ Thanks a lot… uh…?"

"Lola!" the woman greeted amicably, even as she offhandedly decapitated a zombie that tried to jump her. "'Marriage Proposal' Lola, captain of the Rolling Pirates and really grateful for you Straw Hats helping us!"

"Raphey, 'Disciple of the Sea' and Straw Hat ship's guard!" Raphey greeted back with a smile as she crushed a zombie's knee. "Really nice to meet you, and may I say? I _love_ your make-up. Brings out your eyes!"

Lola gasped and smiled eagerly as she removed the arms from a tree-like revenant. "Why, thank you! And personally, I find that your headband _really_ compliments your shell. Just my opinion."

"What, this old thing?" Raphey waved her off with one flipper while holding a struggling zombie at flipper's length with the other. "I've had it for years! Appreciate the compliment!"

"Oh, no trouble, no trouble… oh, hey, real quick!" Lola asked eagerly. "Are you busy right now, by any chance. I mean, besides…" She gestured at the newly dead bodies at her feet.

"No no, not really," Raphey shrugged dismissively as she wiped some embalming fluid from her sais. "My bros can handle themselves, no sweat. Whaddaya need?"

"Eh…" Lola scratched the back of her head uncomfortably. "I've been _trying_ to find my zombie in all this mess, but I haven't been having any luck! My crewmates are all looking for their own and I don't wanna distract them, so I was hoping…?"

"Sure thing!" Raphey popped her an eager thumbs up. "So, what does your _deader-half_ look like?"

 _"_ _ME."_

The two females looked to the source of the voice, which turned out to be—

…No, even the narrators aren't willing to touch this. 'Giant, bipedal, pink warthog in a wedding dress with two swords' is all you're getting for the zombie leader of the mob of beast zombies that emerged to challenge Lola and Raphey.

 _"_ _AT THIS POINT, I COULDN'T CARE LESS WHO YOU ARE,"_ the zombie-Lola breathed murderously. _"YOU ALLIED WITH THE ONES WHO DEFEATED MY PRECIOUS ABSALOM,_ _ **AND PUT HIM OUT OF MY REACH!"**_

Lola nervously tensed and untensed her grip on her blades as she turned to face her counterpart. "And you really think that you can take on _both of us_ at once?"

Zombie Lola—Zola, for brevity's sake—snorted darkly, brandishing. "Good point." She glanced over her shoulder at the crowd of animalian zombies. "HIPPO!"

"Front and center, ma'am!" a sharply dressed hippo barked, jogging towards with his shield over his chest as he raised his sword in salute. "An honor to serve with you, General! To strike down the curs who dare to invade our noble home!"

"'Noble' nothing, you half-cooked leatherneck," Raphey growled, scraping her sais together in anticipation. "We're taking each and every last one of you freaks _down._ En-fucking-garde!"

And so the quartet fell into battle ready positions, glaring daggers at one another as they waited for someone, _anyone_ to snap the tension and kick things off.

Finally, Raphey slumped forward with a defeated sigh. "…actually, on second thought? I know I can't be the first one to say it, so I'm gonna be upfront here and get it off my chest: Lipstick on a pig."

The effect was instantaneous: the entire _surrounding_ _battlefield_ froze, all the zombies staring at the Dugong in shock. And then all of them, save for Zola and Gallant Hippo, ran off _screaming_ in mortal terror.

Hell, even Hippo looked to be seconds away from doing just that, inching away from his partner-in-zombiehood with a terrified expression. " _Now_ you've gone and done it…" he whimpered.

"Eh?" Raphey blinked in confusion. "What, what's wrong? Why are you all acting so—?"

 ** _"_** ** _Yoooou…"_**

"Erk!" Raphey and Lola _both_ recoiled in shock, the reason being the utterly _evil_ aura that was radiating from Zola.

 ** _"_** ** _YOOOOU BASTAAAAARDS…"_** the hog-zombie rumbled, her teeth grinding and her tusks glinting with menace. This was accompanied by a glare at the two, her eyes all but literally _glowing_ with bloody murder. **"I DON'T EVEN CARE IF I DIE FROM IT, I'LL KILL YOU** ** _AAAAAALL!"_** And with _that_ final roar she charged the pair with all the power and rage of a runaway Sea Train.

"GAH!" Hippo yelped in shock, hastily running after her. "Zo—! I-I mean Lo—! I mean—! _WAIT!"_

Raphey swallowed heavily as she steeled herself, the skin on her flippers slowly turning white around her grip on her sais. "Ready to face yourself?" she asked her partner.

Lola barked out a laugh even as her own knuckles turned white on her blades. "When is anyone? There's only one answer to that question!"

 _SKRANG!_

Lola grinned eagerly as she locked blades with her knockoff, the pair butting heads and _neither_ giving ground.

"TRY IT!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. "AND _FIND OUT!"_

 **-o-**

"Note to self…" Donny rubbed his head's shell with a groan as he shoved his way back onto his tail. "After I get Tidal Swim down pat, start training with Robin to deal with opponents who have more than… two… arms…" Donny trailed off slowly before slapping his flipper to his face with a renewed sigh. "And suddenly that is a threat that is _valid_ in my life. Unbe-freaking-lievable, one day my usual opponents are other dugongs, and now it's like I'm living in a _dream!"_

"Might wanna make that a _nightmare,_ pintsize," one of the zombies surrounding the dugong leered smugly, pounding his fist as he approached. "Now, enough with the small talk, let's get to the part where we pound your sku— _URK!"_ The zombie cut himself off in a fit of gagging, on account of the end of Donny's bo-staff lodging itself in his throat, and then failed to say anything further due to his own shadow blocking his throat.

"Theeeen again..." Donny slowly let an eager grin spread across his face. "I suppose that dreams _are_ meant to be enjoyed!" And with that, he ripped his staff out of the zombie's throat and spun it into a ready-position. "Bring it on, you rotting, husk-brained bastards! I can kick your decrepit behinds blindfolded!"

The crowd of zombies all snarled and growled viciously at the _blatant_ challenge. "You little—! COME ON, GUYS!" one of them raised his voice to rally the rest. "There's one of him and an _army_ of us! And the best of our best are on their way too! _LET'S BEAT HIS SHELL INTO THE DAMN GROUND!"_

Donny's eyes narrowed in concentration as the zombies began to charge him, already positioning his staff to prepare for his newly revamped and rebranded Arrows of St. George, taking aim at the frontmost zombies and tensing his lower body for the following movements—

"HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH _HAH!_ NOW, _WAIT_ JUST A MOMENT!"

All of the zombies promptly paused, the expressions on their rotting faces, one and all, screaming sheer terror. Which, given the fact that Donny did not know the voice in question, made _him_ nervous in turn.

"So, little dugong!" the voice laughed over the din of fighting. "You think you can just waddle on down here, with your fancy stick-a-ma-jig, and whack all your enemies into oblivion and then be home in time for soaps and cigars, eh?"

"Uh… I don't smoke—?" Donny began awkwardly.

 _"_ _WRONG!_ The battlefield is a very, very violent and deadly place, rife with danger! _LEMME SHOW YA SOMETHIN'!"_

 _"_ _RUN!"_ screamed several of the zombies, separating like the Red Sea before scattering everywhere that wasn't close to Donny. All save for one. He was of average height for a full-grown man, his lips were pulled back in a way that perpetually showed the rotting top row of his teeth, and where his left eye was squinting, his right was wide open… or more likely, lidless. His skin was blackened in places, clearly from burns, and his outfit was a tattered cross between a business suit and a fireman's uniform, with a husk of a helmet hanging on his head and a fireman's axe on his back.

No, wait, in. Donny realized with no small amount of horror that the axe was lodged _in_ the zombie's back, the blade buried _right_ beside his spinal column.

"SO!" the zombie bellowed, strutting forward in an exaggerated saunter. "You're waddlin' along, swingin' your stickie-ma-bob to and fro, not a care in the world as ya slap the shadows outta zombies here and there, _WHEN SUDDENLY!"_ he yelled at the top of his lungs as he came to a stop a few feet before the dugong, jabbing his finger at him. Though the effect was somewhat ruined by him taking a lighter out of his pocket and flicking it open, producing a flame on top. "Ya come upon a simple general zombie takin' a break, breakin' out the ole zippo to have himself a smoke on the ole' puff-puff! You're going to smack him silly too, easy as peaches… when suddenly someone yells _'Look!'_ " He pointed to the side. _"'There's Big Mom doin' cartwheels!'"_

Donny actually briefly followed the finger in confusion before returning his attention to the deranged deceased as he kept talking.

"However! As ya turn ta watch, your stickie-con-carne smacks inta the zombie's hand and WHAPPA!" The zombie actually slapped his own hand into the underside of his fist, sending the lighter flying high into the air. "The zippo's zipped off! But!" The zombie's overbite-ridden grin widened as he popped a finger. "What ya don't know is, that that zombie whose smokes ya just smacked…"

The zombie flung his arms wide. "Was embalmed using _lighter fluiiiiid!"_

The blood fled Donny's face as he heard _that_ little tidbit. "Wait… y-you don't mean—!"

At almost that exact moment, the lighter chose that moment to land. Fortunately, it didn't hit the zombie but rather the ground in _front_ of him.

… _un-_ fortunately, it somehow managed to bounce off said ground and _shoot down the zombie's gaping mouth._ With an audible _GULP!_ No less.

Both Donny and the Zombie were paralyzed for a moment until the zombie cocked his head to the side. "UH-OH!"

"SHIT!" Donny cursed furiously, diving away in panic.

 ** _KA-BOOM!_**

It was at moments like these that the smartest of the TDWS _seriously_ regretted evolution deciding to steal his species' capacity to retreat into their shells, because the feeling of flames licking off his tail was _way_ too close a call for his comfort.

Once he landed, Donny took a moment to pant and catch his breath. And for that moment, he allowed himself to _dare_ to hope that maybe, just _maybe_ that crazy-ass zombie had been dumb enough to blow himself to kingdom come.

The second that moment passed, however?

 **"** **HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!"**

It was violently _shattered._

With horror and terror coursing through his veins, Donny flipped himself to his tail and turned around to behold the flaming _husk_ of a corpse that was slowly but surely shambling towards him, cackling madly all the while.

 **"** **As you can see!"** the psychotic revenant's voice barked with undeserved authority. **"The battlefield is a very dangerous environment! But worry not!"** He struck a confident pose, his fist placed firmly over where his heart was, or would have been, if it weren't probably already charcoal. **"I, Fire Zombie Bill, shall be the one to show you to safety!"**

The zombie's ashen smile widened clean across his face as he reached over his shoulder and grasped the handle of the axe buried in him.

 **"** **LEMME SHOW YA SOMETHING!"**

And with that, the zombie _wrenched—!_

 ** _CRACK!_**

The axe came free, and Donny promptly gagged in horror.

Fire Zombie Bill blinked at the disembodied ribcage hanging from his weapon. **"Whoops! Need that!"** That said, he shoved his axe back over his shoulder and jiggled it around a bit before removing it again, this time sans the extra calcium. **"There we go!"** Upon noticing Donny's panicked expression, he tilted his head to the side, in a gesture that was probably _meant_ to be comforting but came off more like a predator observing its prey. **"Take a chill pill, wouldja? When I was alive, I was many things: a detective, a super villain, and even a count! But most important of** ** _all?"_**

Bill's grin extended to downright _demented_ levels.

 **"** **I WAS… AND** ** _STILL AM… A FIRE MARSHAL!_** **HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!"**

 **Xomniac AN: Eeeeyup. That's right, people. TPO brought it up and we** ** _ran_** **with it. We. Went. There.** ** _Bow before us!_**


	55. Canon Omakes: Tales of the World

**Cross-Brain AN: Ladies and gentlemen, as we have stated several times in the past, we of the Cross-Brain have busy schedules. As a result of that, we find ourselves unable to put down certain events in the story in favor of progressing the plot line. So…we decided to ask for help from some of our most talented fans, whose works you may have seen in our Omake Collection posted under Superego's profile.**

 **The following two stories are the result of the selfless dedication of user TheRealEvanSG. Consider these less like omakes, and more like mini-arcs; they are 100% canon. We hope you enjoy, and we are extremely grateful to Evan for bringing them to life.**

 **Omake: The Battle of Kinpaku Island**

By: TheRealEvanSG

Some two months ago, had Lieutenant Tashigi of the Marines been asked what her weirdest Transponder Snail call had composed of, she would've probably answered something along the lines of, _"That one call with the monkey chorus and Garp trying to be a composer in the background."_ Now, that list had grown considerably longer. However, that didn't necessarily mean choosing weird Transponder Snail calls had gotten any harder. No, if anything, it had just gotten much, much easier, especially at noon a good two weeks after the Straw Hats had waged war upon Enies Lobby.

The day had started out innocently enough. After she'd retrieved Shigure from a pissed Smoker and tired of throwing many darts into a certain blond's new picture, tacked to her wall, she had finished getting ready for the day and gone out to eat breakfast with the rest of the crew. Then she had trained with her sword some more in a secluded part of the ship, running through the various katas that had been ingrained within her mind from the moment she'd began swordsmanship. Nobody bothered asking her afterwards why pieces of a picture, which appeared to have previously been pinned to a training dummy, were strewn about the floor.

She had been in the middle of a very important discussion with Captain Hina when the Transponder Snail rang.

"Look, Hina," Tashigi sighed wearily, "all I'm saying is that ship metal expenses would be lessened considerably if you would form some cages that we could melt down."

"And as Hina keeps reminding you," the pink-haired woman said stubbornly, shifting through piles of paperwork from the aftermath of Enies Lobby, "it is not Hina's duty to be a human steel quarry."

"But we could pour much more time and money into renewing our troops' training if we didn't have to—"

 _Puru puru puru puru. Puru puru puru puru. Puru puru puru puru._

Both Tashigi and Hina jumped and swiveled around as a certain special Transponder Snail picked up a signal, looking bored out of its mind. The two women turned slowly back to each other, surprise evident in both of their countenances. Hina's eyebrows had shot up, and Tashigi's mouth had involuntarily begun to form an o. For a moment, neither of them moved to pick up the receiver.

"Ophiuchus never said anything about a group call coming today, did he?" Tashigi asked, frowning in thought.

Hina shook her head. "Hina does not recall. It may be someone calling us back about joining, however."

 _Puru puru puru puru — ka-lick._

 _"Kaku of CP9,"_ said the now-familiar voice of Zoro's opponent from the absolute chaos that had recently transpired. _"We were told to call this number for work by Cross. I doubt I need to explain who Cross is at this point."_

Tashigi and Hina sat staring, dumbfounded, at the snail.

"...Capricorn should be more surprised by this," muttered the pink-haired rebel, "but somehow Capricorn just can't bring herself to be."

"I'm beginning to know the feeling myself..." Tashigi deadpanned. She rose her voice and looked down at the snail. "This is Pisces, with Capricorn listening. So, Kaku, I assume the rest of CP9 is there with you as well?"

 _"Indeed,"_ came her answer from the other side of the snail. _"Blueno, Kalifa, Fukuro, Kumadori, and Jabra are all listening beside me. Lucci is still getting treated for his injuries in his hospital room. We need work to be able to survive, but as Cross predicted, we have been unable to find anyone willing to take us in now that the World Government has... for lack of a better term, 'burned' us. Cross claimed we would be able to find work with you, however. Who exactly are you all?"_

Feeling the beginnings of a headache throbbing at the front of her skull, she rubbed her forehead tiredly. "You can think of us as... acquaintances of the Straw Hat Pirates. For safety reasons, we cannot reveal our true identities to you unless you swear your loyalty to our cause."

 _"Which would be...?"_

"Rebuilding the Marines into a force of actual justice and ensuring proper peace for the world as we know it."

Silence reigned on the other end for several moments. At last, Kaku's dry voice came over the receiver.

 _"I really should've expected this from the Straw Hats by now, shouldn't I have?"_ groaned Kaku, and Tashigi and Hina could only exchange knowing winces. The ex-assassin's voice grew more distant, as if he had moved away from the receiver, as he said, _"Do we all accept this?"_

 _"I'm willing to join,"_ drawled Kalifa, _"as long as there's no sexual harassment."_

 _"Any work is good work at this point,"_ grunted Jabra.

 _"I suppose we never were meant to have peaceful lives,"_ deadpanned Blueno. _"I'm in."_

Kumadori sniffed. _"I'm running out of hair-softening conditioner,"_ he whined. _"I'll join as long as I can keep my hair like this."_

 _"Then we're all in agreement except Lucci, who can eat a bag of catnip for all I care at this point,"_ Kaku grunted. _"We're in."_

"Very well. Where exactly are you?"

 _"Several islands down from the Sea Train's Blue Station, a Fall Island called Kinpaku Island. We're recuperating in Hallow's Bar and Grille."_

Tashigi's eyebrows rose. "That's actually not too far from where we are now. In fact, Capricorn, what island is our Log Pose pointing to?"

Hina glanced at one of said instrument that was currently strapped to her wrist, and then rummaged through the drawers of the desk and withdrew a map. She examined it for a few moments, comparing it with the direction of the Log Pose, and at last relayed, "It appears that Kinpaku Island is next in line for us. It seems like we shall arrive within the next couple of days."

"That... works out surprisingly well. Kaku, we will save our introductions for when we meet you all in person. Sit tight for a while and wait, alright? We'll introduce ourselves as Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio, who is another of our friends. That's how you'll know it's us."

 _"Sounds fine to us,"_ Kaku said, the Transponder Snail nodding its head. _"We have to wait for Lucci to heal up some more anyway; Doctor's orders says he still can't move."_

"Very well, then. We'll meet up in about two days. Good-bye."

 _"Sayonara."_

Ka-lick.

The cabin was so soundless a pin drop would've seemed like an elephant's stomp. Tashigi and Hina stared at the Transponder Snail through which they had just signed off on the newest piece of insanity in their lives. When she could at last stand the silence no longer, Tashigi groaned and leaned back in her chair.

"Did we actually just include CP9 in our group?"

Hina's expression was completely flat. "Hina blames it all on you."

"..."

The mooks of the ship didn't bother questioning why the sound of a certain lieutenant's head repeatedly slamming against a wall suddenly started echoing throughout the ship. At this point, it had become such a frequent occurrence that they didn't even have to stock up on Aspirin anymore.

~0~

Hallow's Bar and Grille was not a usual confluence, a word which here means 'a place at which two vastly freaking different parties come together to intensify the world's insanity.' It was a quaint enough bar, built mostly of spruce and stone, with a sharp, v-shaped roof and a stone floor that was often freezing in the mornings. It had been built to resemble times before the average house sported entirely carpeted floors, and before the average restaurant sported comfortable seating. It was, in actuality, more of a bed and breakfast than a bar, although they certainly had a bar at which they served booze, sake, and other various alcohols from all across the Blue Seas and Grand Line. However, the bedrooms offered little more comfort than the seating and the floor, which was likely why despite it being one of two bars on the island, it was often empty except for the old, grizzled bartender.

This was also, however, why it served as the perfect confluence of two vastly freaking different parties for the first time in its career.

Seated at a wooden booth in the far right corner, CP9 (minus Lucci) huddled over cups of the finest sake that Hallow's offered.

"Today's the day that Pisces said they'd be arriving," Blueno said, swirling his sake nervously. "What do you think they're like?"

"Sexual harassers," offered Kalifa flatly.

Jabra snorted. "Is that your answer to _everything?"_

"Yes. Are you really just realizing that now?"

"...Withdrawn."

"Whoever they are," said Kaku, "I just hope they don't turn us down after all. They still have time, and they might not be as forgiving as the Straw Hats. Our wallets are so empty now we honestly need to do anything we can... Although preferably, if we could use our current skillset, it would be best, of course."

"Agreed." Kumadori nodded, his pink hair waving about the table like thousands of little snakes. It had always creeped out Kaku, but he didn't say anything about it, and instead took a somewhat disturbed sip of his sake.

"Well, then," said a voice that CP9 (minus Lucci) had only heard once before, "that's perfect. Because we happen to have several openings for those willing to do dirty work without a second thought."

CP9 (minus Lucci) swiveled around in their chairs quickly. Jabra moved so fast he almost doused himself in his drink, and he cursed under his breath. When the ex-agents realized who exactly it was standing in front of them, they at first couldn't quite believe their eyes.

"I am Pisces," said Lieutenant Tashigi with an unreadable expression. She motioned to two very familiar people standing beside her - - 'White Hunter' Smoker and 'Ship-Cutter' T-Bone. "These are Cancer and Scorpio. Your new boss will be Scorpio himself, who will be receiving advice from another acquaintance of ours, Aquarius, though she couldn't make it here today due to... complicated matters. She will be helping you, Kalifa, develop your powers, due to the similarities of your Devil Fruits."

"But you... you're Marines," Jabra choked, his wolf eyes widening. "Even I can't create a lie _this_ bad."

"And that's saying something," Kaku muttered.

"Shut up, giraffe!"

"I assure you this is no lie," Tashigi said solemnly. The young woman's eyes were solemn and full of regret. "We do not feel as though justice is being truly served and wish to fix this."

"So, what?" asked Blueno, tilting his head suspiciously. "You all just went vigilante?"

"In a manner of speaking." T-Bone rubbed his chin. "I suppose that's the most accurate description for us. As I'm sure Pisces mentioned to you, we're an organization affiliated with the Straw Hats, created for the purpose of bringing true justice to the world. However, as we are too heavily tied with the Marines, if we tried to start pulling strings, we would risk being found out and thrown in Impel Down to rot."

Kalifa narrowed her eyes. "And that's where we come in."

"That's right," agreed Smoker, who put two cigars in his mouth and started puffing at them carelessly. "You, who have been completely thrown into the trash by the Marines, have no connections, which is crucial to our plans. Add to that your superb skills as assassins, and it's quite obvious how useful you'd be to us. We would be willing to pay quite handsomely for your services, of course." He blinked. "I never thought I'd be saying those words to assassins..." he said under his breath, only loud enough for Tashigi and T-Bone to hear.

For a few seconds, CP9 (minus Lucci) glanced at themselves, discussing it with just their eyes. They had undergone so many fragile missions together that doing so had become a necessary skill.

"Very well," agreed Kaku. "We'll do your dirty work for you in exchange for reliable sleeping quarters and pay."

The Zodiac of the Divine all unintentionally released relieved breaths. "Thank you, CP9," said T-Bone gratefully. "The entire world thanks you."

"If you'd like, we already have a list of things we need you to do here," Smoker said, withdrawing a folded piece of paper from his white coat. He laid it on the table in the middle of CP9 (minus Lucci) and smoothed it out for them. Kaku quickly picked it up, skimmed over its contents, and failed to hold back a breath of surprise. He then handed it to a curious Kumadori, whose actions were much the same.

"Are you sure about this?" Kaku asked the vigilantes, his eyes wide.

Tashigi nodded solemnly. "You all are the only ones suitable for the job."

"Well, well," Kumadori said, impressed, as he passed the paper to Blueno, "Cross was right after all. It really _is_ like we've hardly left our old job."

"There's just one catch, _chapa_ ," Fukuro said, and everyone looked at him, surprised. "We haven't gotten the chance to tell Lucci about all of this yet... and I don't know if he'd like this, _chapa."_

Tashigi and Smoker exchanged glances, though the agents couldn't quite tell the emotion behind them. However, a second later, T-Bone bowed his head and placed his hand on the sword which hung sheathed at his waist. "Allow me to handle that, if I may," he said, his face tense. "I'm afraid I acted in an unforgivable manner during the unfortunate Enies Lobby affair, and I would like to make this up to Cross and to myself by convincing Lucci to join us."

Even Smoker couldn't hide his surprise at this information. "Really? How do you plan to convince someone as... unpredictable as Lucci, Scorpio?"

"If there's one thing I learned on this fantastic, terrible sea, it's that money is not the greatest persuasion — the _sword_ is."

All of CP9's (minus Lucci's) jaws dropped, as did the other two rebellious Marines'.

 _"What!?"_ sputtered Tashigi in disbelief. "You can't be serious! Even _Luffy_ , one of the strongest people this half of the Grand Line, was brought almost to the brink of death by fighting him! You can't possibly expect to —"

"I've been training," growled T-Bone in response, "nearly every _second_ since I joined you, and I redoubled that training after my fight with that dugong. If I haven't improved at _least_ this much, then I don't deserve to be a part of this Zodiac, much less to kill Vergo."

"He's a Zoan," warned Jabra, "and take it from a fellow Zoan: we can take a _lot_ of abuse. If you're really going to try this, do _not_ attempt to outlast him."

T-Bone's sharp gaze brought recent memories of steel-willed pirates to mind. "We shall see," he intoned gravelly.

~0~

 _"Why... won't... you... just... FALL!?"_ snarled a bloody, exhausted Lucci, swaying on his feet.

Ten feet ahead, an even bloodier and more exhausted T-Bone shook on his own feet. Sheer _willpower_ was the only thing keeping him standing; every bone, muscle, and inch of his body screamed in agony. "I could say... the same to you..." rasped the vice-captain, his voice like that of the dead.

Every spot of ground in a seven-foot radius from the fighters was stained red with blood, peppered with stray Finger Pistol holes like Swiss cheese, and otherwise appeared as though seven World Wars had been waged simultaneously over it.

Three days after the monumental conversation, Lucci finally woke up from his injuries, and was declared healed enough to be dismissed from the hospital. The Zodiac of the Divine paid for his bills, and met with him outside the hospital doors. At this point, they'd told him everything that they'd told the rest of CP9. Lucci had accepted T-Bone's challenge, sure it was going to be an easy win, and they'd chosen the highest hilltop on the island to fight at...

It was too bad for him that Cross's Murphy's Law seminar hadn't yet aired.

Staggering across the bloodied ground in his leopard form like a zombie, Lucci bent his knees and powered into the sky with Moon Walk. Combining it with Shave, he dashed through midair behind T-Bone, roared in pure frustration, and put every ounce of his strength into a Six King Gun. The compressed air shot towards T-Bone with impressive speed, but before it hit him, the Marine turned on a dime and slashed the attack apart.

"This shouldn't be this hard!" howled Lucci, and not even bothering to waste the precious air he had left, he immediately combined Moon Walk with Tempest Kick to create a hailstorm of cutting attacks. The flashes of blue tore through the air, but they did not apparently have sufficient velocity. T-Bone's eyes flicked to each one as he threw powerful slashes of his sword at them, dissipating each one. The movements of his arm were so fast that Lucci's eyes couldn't even follow them.

 _"Damn it!"_ the leopard-man snarled, and he kicked off the air at an angle. He flashed into view at T-Bone's side, stabbing rapidly with his finger, and managed to actually get the hits in. Ten, twenty, thirty Finger Pistols slammed into T-Bone's pale skin, bloody and cold, in the space of only four seconds. The force of the brutal attack invoked a heavy dose of Newton's First Law, and T-Bone didn't hit the ground until he was more than fifty feet away. Even then, he bounced hard and rolled several more feet, before finally losing momentum.

Lucci stood, panting, glaring down at the lying form so far away from him.

"Have you finally had enough, T-Bone!?" he said, his eyes narrowed.

The question hung in the breeze, the wind whistling across the hilltop being the only sound save for Lucci's extremely heavy, ragged breathing. Despite the fact that his senses increased fivefold in leopard form, he could not hear anything from T-Bone. Lucci drew in deep, precious breaths. Was the man dead? Had his body finally been pushed past the brink?

There was only one fight in Lucci's entire life that had been quite as tough as this one, and even then, it nearly surpassed it. The proud opponent to claim that fight was one Monkey D. Luffy, whose strength was simply undeniable. The toughness from that fight had been trying to overpower Luffy, however. Lucci was quite sure if that had come to a battle of endurance, Luffy would've fallen. But that wasn't the case with T-Bone. Two full days and almost two full nights - - that was how long they'd been locked in combat.

Twenty Six King Guns. Two hundred and fifty Tempest Kicks. Four hundred Finger Pistols. No food, no water, and no sleep. _All of this_ had T-Bone endured so far, and it was only this last attack that had finally brought him to his knees. The man had simply refused to give up. Lucci couldn't help but feel a rising amount of respect for him. It was really too bad that T-Bone was now dead - - the ex-CP9 agent would've liked to share a drink with the man who had given him the battle of an eon.

Lucci turned around, making to set off down the hillside and preferably fall unconscious in a bed, when his animal ears picked up an unbelievable sound.

 _The crunch of blood-soaked leaves as T-Bone staggered to his feet._

"You..." he rasped, his voice almost too weak to make out. _"How_ are you still alive!?"

T-Bone's voice strained so badly one would've believed it to be the voice of a zombie. "I have a duty... to uphold..." he choked out, slumping into a fighting stance, holding his sword straight out at Lucci. "A good man... will never bow on his word. I... I promised my friends... that I would defeat you, and that... you would enter our group, and that is n-not something... that any simple, physical pain can stop m-me from accomplishing!"

Lucci knew he might not remain conscious himself for another attack. As it was, his vision was starting to swim before his eyes. He had left the hospital the same as he had been before he had ever crossed fists with Monkey D. Luffy, but now he was in ten times more agony than he had been after _that_ fight.

"V-Very well..." croaked Lucci. He drew in a shaky breath, lifted his arms so they were perpendicular to him but parallel to each other, and pointed them directly at T-Bone. _"S-Scorpio..._ we're both on our last l-legs... what do you say to ending this in one final blow?"

"That... is more than fine... with me..." said T-Bone.

The cold wind picked up a little as the opponents allowed a moment's pause. It howled in their ears, the sheer power of their fight filling the countryside with awe, and then the men opened their mouths and shouted in unison.

"GO!"

 _"ULTIMATE SIX KING GUN!"_ roared Lucci, kicking off the ground and flashing through the air at mach speeds.

T-Bone gripped his sword tightly and steeled his protesting muscles. _"ONE-SWORD STYLE... SILK SONG!"_ His body twisted, his legs moving with a will of their own, and he thrust all his might into one final swing of his arms. His entire body moved as fluidly as a piece of silk flapping in the breeze.

Time itself froze as the attacks clashed in midair.

For several moments, it seemed as though Lucci's shaking arms, firing several unbelievably powerful Six King Guns at once, were pushing over T-Bone's steel-wall strength. A desperate battle cry rumbled up from Lucci's gut as he pushed forward. T-Bone let loose a howl of utter refusal in reply, his feet digging into the red ground. His sword sang a song of will, clear and sharp, high in tone and unbelievably beautiful, and finally, the blade broke past Lucci's guard and sliced down his chest.

The blood splattering onto the stained grass was indistinguishable from the rest of the hilltop.

Lucci's unwilled transformation back into a human completed itself before he even touched the ground. The thump that his fall made resonated into the air. His eyes, almost fully closed, shone with both frustration and respect.

"That..." rasped Lucci before his consciousness fully faded, "that was... an unbelievable fight. You... are truly a worthy opponent. You would be even if you'd lost."

T-Bone was nearly inaudible. "Th-thank you..."

Sweet unconsciousness tapped Lucci on the shoulder and beckoned for him, but even as he took its hand and his vision faded away, he made out, "S-Scorpio... I'm a man of my word. From this day, forth... I and the rest of CP9 will work faithfully for you."

"I do not doubt it," T-Bone said. He spun his sword, the quick motion flinging the dripping blood off it, and stabbed it into his sheath with finality.

Lucci barked one short laugh, and then unconsciousness claimed him. It wouldn't release its grasp on him for another week to come.

 **Xomniac AN: Just to head off anyone crying foul over T-Bone overpowering Lucci, let me stop you right there: T-Bone didn't 'overpower' Lucci, he outlasted him. T-Bone was getting batted around left and right, but no matter how hard Lucci hit him, he just wouldn't stay down. Didn't matter that his whole body was practically broken, he just kept getting back up and coming for more. While T-Bone's level wasn't above Lucci's, it managed to remain consistent throughout the whole of the fight, whereas Lucci's eventually flagged and faltered due to his energy running out. And where does T-Bone's sheer resilience and stamina come from you ask? Simple: On the first, he's already been half-dead once thanks to Akainu, so he has practice at hanging on at the edge of death's door, and on the second, he has the souls of his entire flotilla at his back, pushing him on to get Justice.**

 **T-Bone's gonna die one day, just finish on his feet without so much as a word... but he'll be damned if it's even a day before his brothers get their justice.**

 **Patient AN: I will admit that even** ** _I_** **found it unrealistic at first, but the above explanation is sufficient for me. I hope that it is so for you.**

 **Cross-Brain AN: And as for those orders that CP9 received from the Masons? Well…let's just say that Evan was made privy to one of our future plot twists, and it's one that's going to have significant effect further down the line.**

 **And with that said, let's move on.**

 **Omake: Warm Front**

By TheRealEvanSG

There were many things that could piss off a certain, overheated pirate flag (and pirate) collector. Included in this list were such items as Cross talking, the Hirunos, messing with his children, and those annoying little Brussels sprouts that always seemed to unravel in his throat. None of these rose to the top, however. No, the thing that pissed Don Accino off as much as possible?

Stealing anything in his flag collection.

To say that Don Accino was steaming while he looked at his notably emptier trophy room was like saying that Nagasaki and Hiroshima had only a _little_ radiation after the war. To be fair, though, the patriarch _was_ literally steaming, literally being a term which here means 'steam rose from his skin and escaped into the atmosphere due to the pure rage incensing his body.' His children had done the best they could to distract him from entering the trophy room since the Straw Hats had left with their—and many other crews'—flags, but this proved to be a task impossible to uphold longer than a couple days. Now the very floor was threatening to melt into a gooey mess under the enraged Don's feet.

"Why—did my children—agree to give a quarter—of my collection—away!?" he hissed venomously, steam whistling in the hellishly hot atmosphere around him.

Lil, the sole Accino child brave enough to currently be in the same room as him, observed the molten chaos from her safe perch on a chandelier which hung from the top of the room (how she'd gotten up there in the first place was anyone's guess). "Because the Straw Hats agreed to royally screw up the wedding?" she reminded him. "Also because Princess Vivi offered you an endless stream of pirates to capture?" The petite girl slurped loudly on a cherry-flavored lollipop as she watched her father's budding temper tantrum with something between amusement and concern for their house.

Don staggered backward, blinking, like Madam Hiruno had slammed her icy palm into his face at Kizaru-worthy speeds. "Vivi's deal…" he murmured, his eyes widening. His growing temper had almost caused him to forget about that little detail altogether. The air grew noticeably cooler, as if an Antarctica-sized refrigerator had been opened in a volcano. The floor's bubbling slowed to a stop as the patriarch of the Accinos considered the idea. "Ah, yes, that… I still haven't decided whether to accept it, haven't I?"

"Nope," said Lil after taking a slight pause to lick her lollipop.

"Hm... it certainly is true that a lot of pirates in the early islands of Paradise really are quite stupid, and would no doubt wage constant war on Alabasta now that the threat of Crocodile retaliating is destroyed… And it _is_ equally true that we've been having a disturbing lack of prey to capture lately…"

The blue-haired girl raised her hand helpfully and kicked her legs in midair. "I've heard that Alabastans make really good candy!" she added.

Don considered.

And considered.

And considered some more.

"…This is going to take a lot of Hiruno-antagonizing," he decided, shrugging his broad shoulders and starting to make his way out of the room. Although the Wedding Incident (capitalized to differentiate it from any other incidents that might happen to occur at weddings) had ended in a net victory for the Accinos, relations between the two bounty hunter families had devolved back into their normal state of affairs, with the one notable difference being that Burrato Hiruno had become the Accinos' friend. In any case, Don always found that messing with the Hirunos helped calm his mind when it overheated.

"That's great and all," said Lil casually, taking another lick of her lollipop, "but if you're done thinking, can you get me down from here? My apathy is only going to hold my universal little-kid fear of heights back for so long."

Don froze—shit, he used that word!—erm, _halted_ in his tracks, and _slooooowly_ turned around to glare up at Lil. "And just how did you get up there in the first place, anyway?" he growled in exasperation.

"Wellllll…"

~0~

[Man!] laughed Skipper, cracking open a large bottle of West Blue sake and roughly slapping the freezing surface of the iceberg the four penguins sat on. [I don't know _how_ Lil always finds out where Don keeps moving the booze around to, but I am _not_ going to question it!]

[And also keep doing whatever she tells you in exchange for the new locations?] Kowalski deadpanned. [Even if it involves tossing us up into the air in a Straw Hats-at-Alabasta style chain to get her to the top of the highest chandelier in the collection room?]

Skipper took a long swig of the bottle. [And that too!] he said, his voice twinging with a hint of drunkenness.

[Uh tust tuh Lil?] suggested a flat-out hammered Rico, his head swimming.

[Sure thing, dude!] cheered Private, thoroughly drunk despite having barely gotten a fourth of the way through his bottle. [To Lil!]

The penguins clinked their bottles of sake against each other. [KANPAI!]

~0~

The Don's eye twitched. For one moment, he was disturbingly silent, glaring up at his youngest daughter with trembling fists.

"…DAMMIT, LIL, IF YOU WEREN'T MY FAVORITE, I'D MELT YOU!" roared Don.

Unconcernedly, Lil licked her lollipop. "Love you, too, Papa."

And so it was that a grumbling Accino patriarch stomped out of his enormous flag collection room to look for a ladder, grumbling, "Alright, I don't even need to antagonize any Hirunos to come to a decision this time. At least in Alabasta I won't have to retrieve adorable daughters from my chandeliers. But first…" He paused and turned to Lil. "Can you find all your brothers and sisters and have everyone gather in the hall? I want to be sure you're all on board with that."

Lil's hand froze on its way to bring the lollipop up to her outstretched tongue, and then she grinned. "Sure, Papa!" she chirped, and dashed away in a flash. Don Accino watched her run off with a proud smile; she was a beautiful, strong-willed girl, very respecting of her father and yet not afraid to get everyone back on the right track if they happened to stray off of it. She was going to grow up to make an amazing warrior, he knew, but until then, there were things to discuss and preparations to be made.

Once Lil had found where everyone had wandered off to, they all gathered together in the same room where, such a short time ago, Cross and Vivi had stood before the Accinos and negotiated their crew's freedom. Campacino and Brindo were engaging in some sort of brotherly headlock, with Brindo desperately attempting to pat out, and Arbell and Salchow were casting ceaseless gooey eyes at each other—not that that was a surprise. Hockera was waxing his hockey stick, and Lil was crunching on what little remained of her lollipop. When Don entered the grand room, they all dropped their current activities and looked up, blinking.

"Hey, Papa," said Salchow, raising an eyebrow, "what did you call us all here for? Lil said it was something about a discussion for the future."

Campacino raised an eyebrow. "Is it about Princess Vivi's deal?"

"And whether we're accepting it?" added Brindo.

"You kids pick up on things fast," muttered Don with a fond shake of his head. "Yes, it is. I called you here to hold a vote on this decision. It is a matter that will change our family for years, and after my horrible mistake in assuming that Lil would be fine with marrying Burrato, I want to be sure that every one of you is alright with moving to Alabasta. I personally have decided that it would be far more profitable for our family to hunt in its waters than next to that damned Triangle, and the Straw Hats _did_ do us a favor; but that's beside the point. What are your thoughts about it?"

His children exchanged glances.

"We're fine with it," said Campacino and Brindo in tandem.

Hockera shrugged nonchalantly. "As long as there's enough space for me to play hockey, it's alright with me, ke." He blinked, then raised an eyebrow. "Do you think that there's such a thing as sand-hockey?"

"It's the Grand Line," said Campacino pointedly. "I'd be more surprised if there _isn't_ sand-hockey."

Arbell's arms swooped over Salchow, and he flushed a proud red. "I'm up for living anywhere as long as it's with my sweetheart!" she cooed, staring lovingly into his eyes while Lil made fake gagging sounds.

"It's the same with me," confirmed Salchow. "As long as Arbell-honey's by my side, I'll go to the ends of the planet."

"Then it's decided," declared Don with a proud smile, standing tall and throwing his arms out grandly. "Pack everything we have, and let's set a course… for the desert kingdom, Alabasta!"

- _Two Weeks Later_ -

The Giant Squad was bored.

Boredom was not something that giants knew how to deal with very well. People pointing guns at their faces? Easy; just punch them 'round the head, ask questions later. Huge walls blocking their path? A simple kick was all it took to send those crumbling to their foundations. But boredom? That was an age-old enemy giant doctors were _still_ trying to cure, with little to no progress in over 900 years.

Why was the Giant Squad bored?

Curiously, despite having been assigned the seemingly monumental task of blocking off all access to and from the famed desert kingdom, Alabasta, _no one was trying to enter or leave the thrice-damned country_. Anytime anyone who didn't have a Devil Fruit user as one of their main fighters came anywhere close to sighting the enormous Marines, they turned tail and sailed as fast as they could away. And even crews of both pirates and civilians alike who _did_ enjoy access to Devil Fruit users seemed to find the task of taking down Marine-affiliated giants far too daunting to even consider. And it seemed as though, currently, Alabasta was entirely self-sufficient, so there was no reason for anyone to leave. _Sure_ , there were your oddball idiots here and there who actually believed they had even a smidgen of a chance and attempted to attack them, but long story short, the Giant Squad was _seriously_ battle-deprived, and a battle-deprived giant is _not_ a happy camper.

"I'M… SO… _BORED_!" bellowed Vice Admiral Maginot, the usually tranquil giant restless with unused energy. His huge black afro bounced on his head as he stomped the ship in frustration, an action that would have sent any other sea vessel rocking; but ships made for giants were built of sterner stuff.

"Calm down, Maginot," soothed De Lis, though the only female member of the group was equally antsy if her unconsciously tapping fingers were anything to go by. "I'm sure we'll get our fight soon enough. And if we don't, we can always look for some Sea Kings to use as punching bags."

Vice Admiral Vercingetroix (called Vin by literally everyone who knew him), grunted and took a swig of his most recent bottle of beer. His sharp teeth cut a slight scratch in the thick glass of the bottle as he released it from his lips with a satisfied grunt. "Ah, put a can in it, Maginot," he snorted at his contemporary's obvious discomfort. "You're gonna pop a blood vessel if you let your stupidity take over more than it already has."

Maginot fixated a glare on Vin that would send any human running for the hills. "What was that, you damned Long-Name!?"

"My name's not that long!" huffed Vin, who was quite sensitive to jokes about his name.

"When your name's bigger than _you_ are," grunted Maginot with a smirk, "there are serious problems. You know, I think you might be compensating for something with it."

"Why, _YOU LITTLE_ —"

The two giants slammed their heads into each other, growling ferociously, and the gunner, Louis, perked up from swabbing his guns at the sound of a budding fight. His sharklike face was twisted into a wide grin that made it look even _more_ sharklike, his mohawk perking up on his head like a mountain range. As Maginot and Vin began to grapple, pushing their hands against each other in a test to see who could overpower the other, he whooped and hollered, cheering on their fight.

"Yeah, PUSH!" he roared, grinning savagely. "Kick his ass, Vin!"

"DON'T EGG THEM ON!" roared a pissed-off De Lis, slamming her fist into Louis's nose and knocking him down flat on the ship's deck. "IN-FIGHTING WON'T HELP SHIT!"

" _Saysh da woman who just bwoke mah noshe,_ " groaned Louis bitterly, picking himself off the floor, disgruntled.

The door to the bathroom opened, and Vice Admiral Lacroix emerged from it, making his way down to the deck and frowning at the two brawling Marines. "Vin, Maginot, what is the meaning of this?" he asked sternly, and the giants in question froze at the sound of his voice.

Vin turned to Lacroix, his face red with Maginot-induced ire. "That bastard was making fun of my name, so I decided to teach him a lesson," growled the swordsman, casting a dark glare at Maginot.

The other giant shrugged. "I was just bored, and Vin's easy to rile up, so I riled him up" admitted Maginot.

Lacroix considered the statements. "I see. Vice Admiral Maginot, please refrain from pissing off your fellow Marines to cure your own boredom, and Vin?"

"Yes, sir?" said Vin, somewhat confused as to why the squad's de facto leader was addressing him when this _really_ wasn't his fault.

"…Your name _is_ pretty damn long."

"DAMN IT, LACROIX!"

The swordsman started to stomp across the deck to the de facto leader, his hand inching toward his sword, which was more of a sign of the Giant Squad's intense boredom than anything else. They might have commonly picked fights among each other, but under normal circumstances, none of them ever picked one with Lacroix, out of respect for his leadership. It was a matter of honor, something giants as a race prided themselves for following extremely well. A giant without honor was like a vertebrate without a spine. As it was, however, Vin's own boredom fueled his aggravation, which in turn made him think far less than normal, and he made a move to unleash his enormous sword upon the de facto leader. Just as Vice Admiral Lacroix started to coat his fist in Haki to block the oncoming attack, however, a shout from Corse, who was officially the doctor but was currently acting as lookout, froze both giants stiff.

"SHIP SIGHTED ON THE HORIZON, HEADING INTO ALABASTA AT ONE O'CLOCK!" bellowed Corse, his cat-eared hood appearing over the edge of the crow's nest before the rest of head. "WE MIGHT NOT WANT TO INTERFERE WITH THIS ONE, THOUGH. IT'S THE ACCINOS. WE MIGHT BE BITING OFF MORE THAN WE CAN CHEW."

"The Accinos?" De Lis repeated. "Aren't they some of the Marines' most favored bounty hunters? What are they doing here?"

"I don't know, but I hope they're up for a fight!" declared Maginot, cracking his knuckles in anticipation. "I haven't punched a single person this week, and my fists miss slamming into people's faces!"

"What should we do, Lacroix?" asked Ostro, the crew's cook, coming out of the kitchen at Corse's announcement. His shirt was conspicuously missing again, and although he seemed to be aware of this fact, he was either too bored to care or just simply didn't. Going by prior knowledge, the other Squad members guessed it was the latter. "Should we attack, or wait for them to make a move?"

"It _is_ strange for the Accinos to have come over here clear from their home near the Florian Triangle," mused Lacroix, narrowing his eyes at the approaching ship. "How did they make it here? What do you think, De Lis?"

De Lis, the crew's strategist, rubbed her chin in thought, despite the fact that she didn't have a beard. "The only answer must be that they came across an Eternal Log Pose pointing to this island. That raises the question, however, as to how exactly they came across such a thing in the first place. If pirates gave it to them, then I would say that the Accinos currently stand a threat to us. This is also the case if they were given one by a member of the Nefertari family or an ambassador of theirs. If they stole it from someone, however, their current alignment would be hard to tell outright."

"So what would you suggest?"

"Flag them down and demand an explanation as to how they've acquired an Eternal Pose to Alabasta," decided De Lis thoughtfully. She blinked, then added, "And of course, should their intentions be contrary to ours, sink them to Davy Jones' locker."

"Bullshit!" groaned Maginot. "Why can't we just attack them right off the bat!?"

Ostro rolled his eyes. "Because they might be backing us up, or delivering information to us, or any number of other things, Maginot," he said. "Honestly, if you used half the brain cells you have in that big head of yours, you'd come to the conclusion very easily."

The bazooka wielder's eye twitched. "You're lucky Lacroix said not to fight among ourselves; otherwise you'd be out cold by now."

"I'd like to see you _try_ to lay me down."

"I may just take you up on that offer."

"BOYS!" snapped De Lis, and the two giants jumped into attention. She smiled serenely at them as they grinned fearfully back; they were very conscious of Louis' broken nose. Pleased with their ceasefire, she nodded. "Good."

The two let out large breaths of relief… and glared at each other the moment her back was turned to them.

Ronse, the acting helmsman of the crew, changed course to pull up alongside the Accino family ship, their own enormous battleship cutting through the waves like a knife through butter. It took about half an hour for them to reach each other, and by the time they finally did, Ostro had a black eye, Maginot was rubbing his side tenderly, Louis was laughing his ass off, and De Lis' frustration was so high she was practically steaming. Lacroix chose to ignore the three less mature members of the crew, instead opting to gauge the bounty hunters' expressions and actions, trying to determine their alignment just by looking at them. Sadly, he had never possessed much skill in this department.

"ACCINO FAMILY!" he bellowed over to their ship once they were within hearing range. "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THESE WATERS? FOR WHAT PURPOSE HAVE YOU COME HERE?"

Over on the Accino ship, the bounty hunters were gathered at the side of the ship, all save for Hockera, who was currently commanding the helm. Don nodded at Campacino, the signal for him to respond to their interrogators.

"We're here to claim a pair of high-profile bounties," the eldest Accino sibling shouted back through a megaphone. "Chaka the Jackal and Pell the Falcon are worth 115 million together."

"And aside from that," Brindo continued once said megaphone was passed to him, "the good favor we would gain from the Government by stripping a Revolutionary country of its two Devil Fruit users would likely be even more beneficial for us."

Lacroix's eyebrows rose. This… This seemed almost too good to be true. Exchanging surprised glances with his comrades, the mountainous Vice-Admiral raised an eyebrow and leaned out over the railing. "REALLY?" he boomed, his voice rumbling across the waters. "AND HOW HAVE YOU RUN ACROSS AN ETERNAL POSE TO TAKE YOU HERE?"

"Spoke to Marine HQ," deadpanned the youngest Accino, Lil, upon receiving their megaphone. "Received permission directly from the top, along with the Eternal Pose."

Stunned short of speech, and more than a little disappointed, the Giant Squad all slumped where they stood.

"Uh… okay…" De Lis managed at last, blinking rapidly. "I suppose you're free to go past…"

"IT'S MUCH APPRECIATED!" shouted Salchow with a large salute. "BUT NOT AS APPRECIATED AS MY ARBELL-HONEY…"

"Oh, Salchow!" swooned said woman, wrapping him up in a large hug, and the giants' eyes twitched as one as the couple began smooching heavily, right before everyone's eyes. Ronse made faux gagging sounds, which prompted Vin into loud snickers.

With no further opposition from the Giant Squad, the bounty hunters freely sailed across the Alabastan waves until they could no longer be seen. Once they were out of the Marines' vision, the rogue bounty hunters let out a collective breath of relief. They hadn't expected that to actually work; they'd been sure that the Marine group would see right through their lies and attack them. That would've been more than a little annoying, not to mention worrying.

It was smooth sailing the rest of the way into Alabasta. A Sea King rose up to try and chomp on their ship half way, but the Don killed it with a super-heated flurry of punches, and no damage to them was incurred. No one tried to oppose them from landing at Nanohana, either, although they were met with quite a few curious stares; this made sense, though, since no one had been making land at the ports lately. Both Lil and Salchow complained about the heat the _entire_ way to Alubarna, however, and Arbell might have followed suit had Don not bought her some "gorgeous, cultural clothing" before they set off on their trek.

Thanks to the forethought of purchasing some camels, it only took them a day to reach the capital, Alubarna. It was a beautiful city, and even the Don had to admit that his breath was taken away with his first sight of it. He could definitely see why Vivi was so pissed at the Government for depriving her of a peaceful life in a country like this. By one o'clock the day after their meeting with Giant Squadron, the bounty hunter family found themselves staring up at the famous palace of the royal family of Alabasta. By one thirty, they found themselves kneeling in the throne room before the king and his royal guards, Pell and Chaka, as well as men whom the SBS-informed bounty hunters identified as Igaram and Kohza.

"Your royal highness," said Don Accino respectfully, head bowed before the vaguely amused king. "We come by request of her highness Nefertari Vivi, seeking to become this country's naval protection."

King Cobra snorted and sighed. "Kohza," he groaned, glancing to the young man standing at attention in line with the royal guards and Igaram, "when do you think will people ever learn that they don't have to be formal with me?"

"Probably never, sir," said the ex-rebel, grinning knowingly.

The aging man heaved his eyes up to the heavens. "That's what I was afraid of…" He sighed and shook his head. "Stand up, Don Accino of the Accino Family. Everyone in this country is equal, and the King is no exception. There is no need to bow in my presence." Surprised, but somewhat pleased, the powerful man nodded and rose, his family following suit. Cobra smiled. "That's better. Now, if Vivi asked you to come here, I trust her decision full-heartedly. You shall be appointed as Alabasta's official naval forces, and paid accordingly. I must ask, though, why exactly did Vivi choose you?"

Don frowned and sighed. "Well, you see, years ago, I ate a certain Devil Fruit that Vivi was greatly interested in." At this, King Cobra leaned forward, eyes widening. The bounty hunter nodded, sensing the question in the old man's gaze. He lifted his arms out, and the temperature in the room increased greatly. Don was a little surprised at just how much _easier_ it was to use his powers in this country; it seemed he could raise temperatures much more quickly in this hot environment. "Your highness, I ate the Hot-Hot Fruit, and was asked to come to Alabasta so that whenever my time is meant to end, the Devil Fruit might return to its origins."

"The Rage…" Cobra's jaw slackened in awe. "I… never thought I'd see another of our missing treasures in my life… And here Vivi already found one…" His features softened, and a proud smile spread across his face, the picture of a father proud of his daughter. "She certainly would've made a fantastic queen. Welcome to Alabasta, Don Accino. I am now extremely glad you have stepped foot on our soil."

~0~

Two days after the meeting between the Accinos and the Giant Squad, Corse sat on the railing of their ship near the figurehead, something itching at the back of his mind. There was something wrong, something he couldn't quite tell…

"I NEED TO FIGHT SOMETHING!" roared Maginot, and something hard, knuckle-y, and pointedly fist-like struck the pondering giant 'round the back of his head. Corse nearly fell off the ship, but he regained his balance, arms wheeling, legs flailing. With a pissed roar, the punched Marine swiveled around and leaped to his feet, preparing to fire a punch back -

And blinked as that elusive thing suddenly flashed into his mind.

"Ah… D'you think we should call HQ, just in case they might have been lying?" At Maginot's questioning look, Corse elaborated. "About their reason for coming into Alabasta, I mean."

All of the other squad members froze on their oversized feet.

"...Goddammit!" De Lis howled from the crow's nest. She smacked her head with an exasperated groan even as she rushed to the nearest Transponder Snail and began dialing Marineford's number. Her foot tapped impatiently. "Come on, pick up," she groaned restlessly.

At last, the nervous snail made the relieving _katcha_ and the call went through. A low, carefree voice rang through the on the other end.

" _Marine Headquarters, Garp speaking. Get to it and tell me what do you want so I can start the paperwork and forget to fill it out_."

"Ah, Garp!" the strategist breathed, relief evident in her voice. "This is De Lis of the Giant Squadron. Everything's clear on our end, but just out of curiosity, might the Accinos have ordered an Eternal Pose from HQ for the purpose of hunting several Alabastan bounties?"

The lazy Vice Admiral hummed, and the snail's eyes went half-lidded. It looked like it was picking its nose without any fingers to do so with. Quite the spectacle indeed. " _Hmm, not that I recall. I might've slept through it, though. Hold on, let me check._ " De Lis rolled her eyes and sighed as the echo of Garp's footsteps reached her ears alongside the clank of his receiver dropping. After a few minutes of dead air, his voice again filtered through the receiver. " _Nope. I just spoke to Sengoku, and I can't say that they have. Why, did they trick you into letting them into Alabasta or something?_ " His booming laughter at his joke shook the transceiver, and De Lis' eye twitching reached a new fervor.

"Um… well…" she ground out, unsure of how to phrase it in a way that didn't seem bad.

Garp's laughter froze.

" _...You did, didn't you_ ," he deadpanned, and De Lis' awkwardness suddenly transformed into outright fury.

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM YOU, MR. I-REVEALED-THAT-THE-REVOLUTIONARY-HAD-A-SON-WHO'S-THE-STRONGEST-ROOKIE-ON-THE-SEAS!"

With that outburst, she slammed the receiver back down on the poor snail, which choked and scuttled away as fast as it could move. Which wasn't that fast at all, since it was a snail.

The ship was silent for several moments; the other Marines had gotten more than enough bruises to know to shut up during a bout of De Lis' anger. She stood silently, fists clenching and unclenching, and the other giants waited nervously. At last, Lacroix judged her to have calmed down enough to be reasonable. He took a deep breath, opened his mouth, and spoke.

"So, I guess now would be as good a time as ever to revolt, eh?"

Everyone stared at him with wide eyes.

Lacroix glared. "What!? We've been talking about mutiny since the fiasco at Enies Lobby. Garp himself won't care that we let the Accinos into Alabasta, but when he tells the higher-ups what happened, we'll have everyone breathing down our necks anywhere we go. And let's be real; the Marines were always suspicious of us revolting from the get-go. We might as well get a jump start on things and go rejoin the Giant Warrior Pirates before shit hits the fan, as a certain blond pirate might say."

"That… makes a lot of sense," admitted Ostro. The pot-bellied cook rubbed the side of his backwards baseball cap sheepishly.

"So, then," Maginot spoke up, raising an eyebrow, "who's going to issue the declaration of mutiny?"

Silence reigned.

"…Not it!" said many of the Giant Squad at once, with Vin's voice echoing a tad behind the rest.

"…Shit," said Vin.

 **Cross-Brain AN: And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Mind you, this won't be the last time that we post an omake(s) that we requested from a fan, but it will be the last time for a while. For now, we return to the work of the Cross-Brain, and the good news is that we're making good progress on our next post!**

 **…The bad news is that it's another omake, but it's one that we've been planning on posting at this point in the story from the start. We think you'll like it.**


	56. Chapter 50 - Thriller Bark Pt 4

**Chapter 50**

 **Patient AN: Ladies and gentlemen, the following chapter may very well be the finest work of our Superego, without whom we could not have hoped to have made either this or the previous chapter.**

 **Hornet AN: I should hope so, considering this thing's 50% fight scene.**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Just as a last note, loyal fans? We called the cliffhanger we gave you seven chapters ago cruel beyond all cruelty. But the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter is even crueler.**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH—!"

 _THUNK!_

"—AAHoh hey, I'm alive."

Glancing behind him, Leo could see that a tree had arrested his impromptu flight, with nary a scratch on the bark.

"Tough tree…" he remarked. Then the pain in his hind flippers hit. "Ow, fuck! Jeez, this guy hits almost as hard as Zoro!"

"Yaaar!"

At the sound of that voice, Leo turned his attention back to his limping opponent, crossing his blades in time to catch John's twin sabers. The impact made his swords creak ominously and sent shockwaves down his body. Shockwaves that hit the tree he was still balanced against and promptly blew out the back of the trunk.

"You've… got to be… kidding me!" the dugong ground out as he struggled to hold the zombie at bay.

Seconds passed, neither fighter gaining an advantage. John was too strong for Leo to push back, but the tree gave him something to brace against. However…

' _Can't… keep this up… forever…'_ Leo thought. ' _Dunno what's gonna break first… me… the tree… or my swords… but something's gonna break…'_

In the event, the dugong was beaten to the punch by John… flexing. Yes. Flexing his pectoral muscles, where Leo noted were puncture wounds in the corpse.

' _So someone turned the bastard into a pincushion…'_ he deduced. ' _If they were alive, I'd buy them a drink… and then bury their head in the table! Though...'_ Leo narrowed his eyes as he noticed several other distinctly different scars moving. ' _Huh, looks like he was shot, too. I wonder if the bullets are still in the holes.'_

Strangely enough, it appeared that the bullet holes were opening and closing in time to his… flexing…

' _Oh, you can't be_ serious!'

Hastily pulling his swords back, Leo dropped to the ground, and none too soon. With one final, gargantuan flex, the bullets _flew out of their holes_ to hit the tree.

The dugong had no time to process the sheer _insanity_ of what he'd just witnessed, because finally he had at least something of an opening. From his prone position he stabbed both blades up, aiming for the neck. They didn't reach; Zombie John leaned over, the blades skittering off his voluminous coat, with the tears—

"Okay, that's just not fair," Leo whined at the metal plates now visible under the coat. Further whining was cut off by a frantic roll away from the blades that tore into the soil. Tail catching the ground, he Rip Tided away, back into the trees.

"Okay…" Leo panted as he leaned around the trunk and watched John come about. "So that was probably a one-time thing. I hope. He's still stronger than me, just as fast in melee, and an immortal zombie. With armor." He sighed, hanging his head. "Thank God Soundbite isn't here, because the only possible description of this situation is that it _bites."_ The dugong only allowed himself to remain melancholic for a moment before rapping his hilts over his skull-shell. "Okay, back in the game! Think Leo, think! Weaknesses, what are his weaknesses?"

Turning back to the shambling zombie, he noted with some surprise that it was, in fact, actually shambling, unlike the rest of the cadavers he'd seen that night. Every step dragged the left leg along the ground, despite the apparent functionality of the limb.

"So, slow to pursue. That's… actually pretty useful," Leo noted. "With Rip Tide, I can open the distance easily. Which would be useful _if I actually had a ranged attack worth a damn!"_

Suddenly, a peripheral glint of light snapped the Dugong out of his outrage, and that allowed a hasty duck to save him from becoming a head shorter. A poor tree that slid off its stump and crashed to the ground in front of him only emphasized the point.

This time, though, Leo attacked instead of defended once his opponent was in melee range. To his frustration, this was no more effective than it been before. Zombie John's defense was ironclad, parries and well-timed sways deflecting the attacks.

"Damn it!" he roared, clashing his blades into a crossed formation. "Cross of the—aghk!"

The ace-attack was aborted by a flap of John's coat slamming into Leo's face. Due to its armored nature, it wasn't unlike being slapped with a two-by-four. Or _Nami._

Stumbling back, Leo tried to Rip Tide away again. This time, though, Zombie John reached into his coat and threw several knives that the dugong had to deflect lest he get skewered. Not only did this cut the Rip Tide short, it also drew his swords into an entirely different guard.

"I call this attack 'Boot to the Face'!" the zombie cackled as he did just that.

Treaded soles met dugong face. The soles won, sending Leo flying again. Not very far, though. John, unslinging his coat with the ease of _far_ too much practice, proceeded to catch his opponent in it and wrap the sleeves around his neck.

"A fit punishment for a pirate," the zombie general leered down at his opponent, his foot planted on his shell as he started to pull with all his might. "Wouldn't ya say, _matey?"_

Due to his position, all Leo could do was scrabble at the cloth wrapping around his neck, which was constricting his neck in ways that were decidedly uncomfortable. The lack of air, while unnerving, was manageable due to both his species' habitat of choice and Boss's own spartan training, but far more pressing was the fact that if he didn't know any better, he'd swear he could hear his spine creaking.

Unbidden, one of Chopper's more disturbing rants sprang to mind. This one had been concerning various means of execution the Marines used. And from what he remembered, the true cause of death from hanging by the neck wasn't asphyxiation, but rather—!

Leo hastily slammed all of his strength into maintaining his Shell Body, but he could already tell that it was but a momentary reprieve: after all, where his own strength was limited and waning, the revenant's well of strength was fathomless.

But still, bleak as the situation was, Leo didn't panic. Rather, he thought back to his master's lessons, and focused on one rule in particular: That even if the enemy seemed invincible, there was _always_ a weak angle to exploit.

Leo glanced back and forth along the sleeves that threatened to end his life. The knot itself was impenetrable to his flippers, as was the left sleeve... but the right? Oh, now the _right_ was the ticket to life and liberty, tattered and torn as it was, and all Leo had to do was grab at the most off-kilter patch he could find and _rip_.

The cloth promptly fell apart under his flipper, and a hasty Rip Tide found him far away again, propped up on his swords and wheezing, even as his mind flew a mile an hour.

' _That... That sleeve wasn't a coincidence,'_ Leo thought to himself as he glanced at his opponent. ' _Looking back at the earlier clashes... yeah, yeah he_ definitely _has a weaker guard on his right side.'_ The dugong grimaced as John slowly and calmly put his jacket back on, tutting at the missing sleeve. ' _Not that that_ helps me _, considering how a cracked aegis is_ still _an aegis, damn it all...'_ Hanging his head, he shook it despondently. ' _I gotta do the ranged attack, don't I.'_

For a few seconds he just wallowed in the self-pity, and then brushed it aside, standing straight again. Another blur of Rip Tide, and he was positioned to the right of John, who was still as slow as ever.

As the zombie shambled towards him again, Leo raised his swords high and to the right, pointing to the sky parallel with each other. More importantly, he shut his eyes, and _listened_.

He heard the wind rustling through the trees; John's foot scraping in the dirt and his clothes rustling together; even, in the distance, the sounds of fighting. The sounds washed over him, penetrated deep into his very soul. And, at the edge of the blades, he heard it. The air moving over the blade, making the metal _sing_.

' _So, that's how it works.'_

Opening his eyes, he saw that John was now making a beeline for him. Well, as much of a beeline as a rotting corpse with a limp can pull off. Point is, he wasn't deviating at all.

"Gulf…!" he cried out, before bringing his blades down. "Stream!"

Air and steel sang in harmony, twin blades of wind sprang into existence, merging into a singular force of destruction…

 _SKRANG!_

Even as, before Leo's own horrified gaze, his actual blades shattered like so much fine crystal.

Still, as tragic as the turn of fate was, it didn't alter the intensity of his attack. John tried to dodge, he really did, but with a gimpy leg and quite a bit of armor weighing him down, all he managed to evacuate was his torso. His left-hand limbs, however, were hit full force. The arm, while cut to the bone, remained viable; the leg, however... well, for all that Captain John was a world-renowned pirate there were very few pirates, be they dead or alive, world-famous or a nobody, who could fight with just one leg.

Leo stayed wary for a moment, keeping a close eye on the downed pirate for over a minute before _finally_ allowing himself to relax, the tension ebbing out of his being - and with it the adrenaline that was keeping the pain away. "Ow! Owowowowoooow, my tail!" he yowled, massaging the aching limb. "I _really_ need to start building up these muscles, because mine are nowhere _near_ strong enough for this shi—!"

"Yar har har… yaaaar har har har haaaar…"

Leo tensed up as a laugh wafted through the air, and promptly scrambled for any shards of his blades he could grab. "Shitshitshitshi—!"

"Ahhh, cool yer flippers, ya grubby worrywart," John wheezed, waving his hand dismissively. "Ah'm done. Going back to the locker soon enough, of that ye can be assured. I'm just…" He chuckled, his grin widening minutely. "Relieved, I suppose ye could say."

Warily eyeing the immobile corpse, Leo palmed one of the shards and hopped over to the zombie, making sure to (hopefully) stay out of its reach. "What… do you mean by 'relieved'?"

"Yar…" John sighed, tilting his head back to stare into the mists. "…have ye ever heard of me, lad? Have ye ever heard of 'Long' John 'Silverteeth'?"

"Weeeell…" Leo winced, glancing to the side.

"Bah, 'tis no surprise," John shrugged carelessly, his empty gaze staring at nothing. "As ye can see, I ain't exactly young. Well, anyway, lemme make it simple for ye: In case ye couldn't already tell, I was a true pirate's pirate when I was alive. I looted, I pillaged, I swashed more buckles than I could count… from Reverse Mountain ta the gates o' Mariejois, I was the scurviest, saltiest, most treacherous sea dog to ever sail…"

John's desiccated lips twisted into a scowl as he started poking at the holes in his torso. "And in the end, it all came back to bite me in the arse when I went so far as to betray me own crew. Robbed 'em blind and stowed the treasure away, where only _I_ knew. I thought I could escape, thought I could live out me golden years in luxury…"

Leo's gaze slowly trailed down to the deceased swashbuckler's sieve of a chest. "But clearly, that didn't happen."

"Arr…" John growled morosely. "One of the most feared men o' me generation, an honest to god demon made flesh… and I was put down by me own mates, like a _DAMN DOG!"_ the pirate suddenly roared furiously, _slamming_ his fist into the ground. "THAT'S NO WAY TO DIE, DAMN IT ALL! THAT NO WAY TA END IT! TA, TA LEAVE THIS LIFE! I WAS _SOMEBODY_ DAMN IT! I WAS FAMOUS, I WAS IMPORTANT, I WAS—! I was… I…" The old pirate slowly trailed off, his voice drawing down into a whisper before he let his head hang in shame. "I… was a pirate's pirate… a man's _man…_ and they didn't even let me _die_ like one…"

Leo's gaze lightened up ever so slightly. "Death in combat."

"The only true and noble way a man can die…" John nodded solemnly, before allowing a leer to cross his face. "Well, that or in bed at the age o' eighty with me 'Long John' in—!"

"Yeahyeahyeah, we all know that one!" Leo hastily cut the pirate off, his face all but glowing.

"Yarharhar!" John cackled in amusement, eventually trailing off into a melancholy sigh. "Arr… anyway… Ye gave me the second death I never got in life, and for that I thank thee… and I've got a few things I'd like to give ye. Not like I'll be takin' them with me anyways, aye?"

"Eh…" Leo glanced to the side at the battle raging a little ways off (and the zombie that flew screaming into the air) before giving the pirate captain a nod. "Alright, but make it fast."

The zombie inclined his head, then jerked it to the side at where his swords had landed. "First off, me blades. They're just a pair o' no-named buggers, but they've got spine and spirit. Feel free ta use mine until ya find some new mates a yer own, savvy?"

"Ah…" Leo glanced at the sabres uncertainly. "Are you… sure they won't—?"

"What, 'mind'? HA!" John barked with a dash of honest humor. "They're pirate blades, lad! They don't give half a damn about who's swingin' them, just that they're in the thick of it. 'Sides, ye've got me blessing, it's fine... and ye'r in the thick of it as is, do ye _really_ have the time to be picky?"

"…fair 'nuff, what else?" Leo waved for the zombie to continue.

"Second," John complied with a grunt, sliding a circlet from his arm and holding it out. "Me treasure. This here mark will guide ya to it. Learned too late that I can't take it with me… but maybe ye can put it ta some good use. Better than letting it _rot_ in some cave, aye?"

The swordless swords-dugong gave the mark a doubtful look, but still accepted it without a word. After all, best to _possibly_ have a lead on the treasure of the century to appease Nami than to wind up empty-handed at the wrong moment.

"Arrr, alright, alright, that's good... anyways, last of all…" John grunted as he slowly dragged himself into a sitting position, wincing at the phantom pains that were shooting through his dead nerves. "A final piece of advice. A true pirate… a true man…"

With remarkable speed, his good arm reached into his jacket and withdrew a flintlock pistol. "DIES FIGHTING!" he roared, his voice full of vim and vigor as he squeezed the trigger.

Or tried to, at least. The endeavor failed, due to every last inkling of strength leaving the revenant's body.

Leo smiled lightly as he slowly withdrew his extended and empty flipper to his side. "Knew that from the second I picked up the blade, sir," he whispered with respect.

John wheezed a chuckle around the shard of metal lodged in the back of his throat. "Per… fect…"

And with that, the twice-damned Silver-Toothed Pirate departed from the world again, this time with a smile on his face.

Leo heaved out a massive breath as he wrestled his frayed nerved back under control. Once that was accomplished, however, he took enough time to glance around and confirm that there were no more immediate threats in the area before regretfully turning his gaze to the hilts of his faithful, nameless katanas. He contemplated them for several seconds, then flipped them around and planted them in the earth.

"…At least," he reflected with a quiet whisper. "It was a noble end." He gave the trio of corpses one last glance before waddling off to claim his interim weapons.

Leo hefted the sabres, giving them a few test swings to assure himself of their weight before nodding in satisfaction. He then sheathed the sabres on his back.

Then a flipper rose to his forehead and all but tore away the blue cloth wrapped as a headband. Unfolding it, he then tied the entire cloth over his scalp, slightly shadowing his eyes, and looked towards where the rest of the battle was going on.

"Okay, you two," Leo breathed softly, his eyes hardened into flint and his teeth set in a glower. "Let's go and get ourselves acquainted by _killing some fucking zombies."_

And with a flex of his tail, he was gone.

 **-o-**

Elsewhere in the forests of Thriller Bark, a battle cry rose above the trees.

"FUNURABA!"

' _#77. Strong as hell, but slow,'_ Mikey noted as he ducked under a meaty tackle that obliterated an innocent tree. ' _Alright… let's try multitasking.'_ Making use of the straight _weeks_ of practice Boss had hammered through his shell, Mikey swiftly spun his left-hand pair of nunchucks into their holster before, in the same move, he drew his left pistol, aimed and fired at the zombie. The bullet sunk in - and to the dugong's dismay, it did exactly _jack_ to stop the juggernaut from ponderously sweeping around for another charge. ' _Also really toughohshit!'_

The short, red-nosed zombie, emblazoned with the #55, had, while he was dodging, crept under his guard and was now swinging up a nasty-looking uppercut. Mindful of the rotund behemoth behind him, Mikey frantically attempted to lean back while staying anchored to the ground. To his surprise, for _once_ his spine chose to comply, his vertebrae bending _just_ so so that, much like a tongue of seaweed, he _swayed_ back and was left unharmed while an uppercut whooshed harmlessly past his face.

"Huh, so that's how it works," the dugong mused as he turned the sway into a backwards handstand flip that took him under another one of the big #77's swipes. Landing from that, he pushed off from the ground—

"Kekekekeke! Now, fucking monkey!"

"Who are you calling a _woohee?!"_

And was promptly grabbed by the monkey-like #80 in mid-air.

"Catch MAX!"

"Let go of me, dammit!" Mikey snapped, slamming his head back. Had he tried this even a few days ago, the blow would have met only air, but with his newfound flexibility it instead found its mark with a resounding (and embarrassingly hollow-sounding) _CLONK!_

The surprisingly strong hands that had gripped him fell away in favor of clutching their owner's skull, and Mikey took the opportunity to Tidal Swim away from the monkey in search of Hildon. The bat-like majordomo, however, had decided to hold discretion as the better part of valor, because he was nowhere to be seen.

Instead, the orange-bandana'd dugong spotted yet another unfamiliar zombie skulking about. This one was solidly built, and seemed… older than the rest, save Hildon. The black mohawk was pretty distinctive, too.

Two facts stuck out to Mikey about the revenant: that his leg was extended for some reason or another, and that there was also some sort of round object flying through the air from him to Mikey. A round, black object that, upon further analysis once it drew closer, the dugong managed to identify.

' _Huh. That's a bomb.'_ Then the dugong's overworked brain processed that thought. "OH, SHIT, THAT'S A BOMB! TIDAL SWI—!"

 _KA-BOOM!_

It was, indeed, a bomb, and one that exploded right in his face at that. Luckily, his new innate flexibility did a good job dissipating the shock wave of the explosion; the worst he got were some mild burns and a forceful expulsion from the sky, and the latter was something he was well acquainted with through his training. Another Tidal Swim killed his momentum, allowing him to touch down in front of the zombie that bore the sigil #47.

"Ahahahahaha!" the zombie cackled, pirouetting on one leg with the other held vertical in the air. "Prepare to be schooled, monsieur!"

"'Monsieur'?" Mikey dubiously parroted before letting his expression fall flat. "Oh, whatever. Just die again already."

A twitch of his flippers, and one of his nunchucks lashed out at the zombie's skull. In response, said zombie… swayed out of the way with impressive flexibility for healthy flesh, let alone necrotized.

"Oh, come on!" Mikey snapped as he pulled back his weapon, pointing an accusatory finger at his opponent. "That's blatant plagiarism!"

"Look who's talking, monsieur!" the zombie snapped back, still in his raised-leg pose. "You're a walking plagiarism yourself! At least we have the guts to admit it!"

"You don't have 'guts', period!" Mikey snarled. "And what in Sebek's name are you—!"

A blur zipped by him, and the dugong glanced to the side to find his back flipper tied to one of the trees.

"Eh?"

In a _second,_ arms, weaker than the Monkey's, latched onto his other flipper. A glance to that side showed the zombie with the large forehead clinging onto it with all his might.

"Eh?!"

"Hey. I think we should teach this punk what happens when someone messes with us on our turf."

"Yeah."

"Great idea!"

"Just punch them already, fucking brothers!" Hildon snapped from a nearby treetop.

"We're not brothers!" the last trio of zombies fired back before turning their glares on the captive Dugong. "But we can punch him!"

Now panicking slightly, Mikey tugged at the rope. Solidly attached, it didn't budge. He tried with the zombie clinging to him. That just dragged the zombie on the ground.

A rain of punches precluded any further attempts at escape.

"Kekekekeke," Hildon chuckled as the remainder of his zombie coterie joined him in watching the beatdown. "Ah, I love a plan well executed." Holding up his hands, over a dozen bat-themed cards appeared in his hands. "Too bad I didn't get to use more of my tricks! Ya-ha!"

 _BLAM! BLAM! B-BLAM!_

"Don't worry," a battered and bruised Mikey intoned as four bodies dropped away from him, each featuring bullet holes in their necks and shadows soaring into the sky above them. "The fun's not done until one of us rolls out a _real_ showstopper. And so far, you've been _lacking!"_

Another blur, and another bomb was deposited at his feet. Snorting derisively, Mikey gave it a hearty thwack with his tail that punted it into the trees, where it exploded harmlessly in a stream of annoyed bats. "Still lacking."

If he was worried, Hildon didn't show it. Instead, he just kept chuckling, even as Mikey kept a wary eye on the remaining zombies.

"Don't worry, fucking seal."

"I'M A DUGONG, DAMMIT!"

Once again, Hildon threw his hands out, only this time they were loaded with machine guns and bazookas. "I'VE GOT A FEW SHOWSTOPPERS READY TO GO!" The vamp-zombie roared as he opened fire.

Every single weapon fired at once in a hail of bullets and cannonballs. The former were deflected by Mikey's nunchucks, while the latter were simply dodged. Time slowed down as his brain focused solely on evading the projectiles. And it was only due to that that he saw the _real_ attack coming: the big #77 zombie lumbering towards him and the only zombie as yet unaccounted for. Namely, #21, the one with the eyeshield on its helmet, zipping in at a speed that would have impressed Carue. Classic hammer and anvil.

But with the dugong now able to see it coming, he could do something about it. Twisting around and spraying bullets at the 'anvil' of the two, he used his other flipper to snap his nunchucks in just the right way so as to grab the fast zombie around the legs, yanking him to the ground. Another shot from his pistols sufficed to salt the zombie.

"Ya-ha!"

Then a shadow fell over him.

"Give 'em the hammer!" Hildon cackled as #77 slammed into the ground, throwing up a massive cloud of dust.

For a moment, the zombies waited, watching carefully for any sign of life below #77's big belly. When there was nothing, they let out a cheer, joined by several zombie cheerleaders that popped out of the nearby underbrush.

"Rip Tide."

That cheer was then brutally murdered in a back alley by Mikey's smug declaration. Hildon swung his eyes around to find the dugong smirking at him, even as his tail pumped out Tidal Swim after Tidal Swim to keep him airborne.

"I'll admit, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed," he noted conversationally. "But I've still got enough meat in my noggin to figure some pretty simple things out. And d'you know what I just figured out?" He began swinging his nunchucks into a _nice_ and menacing blur. "I salt you, and this whole setup collapses."

Hildon, sweating furiously, held his ground. For two seconds. Then he turned around and flew away as fast as he could. "I didn't sign up for thiiiiiis!" he wailed.

Mikey, idly dodging another punted bomb, gave him a five-second lead before kicking off the air after him.

' _Hum, I wonder,'_ he thought as he pursued the fleeing bat-zombie. ' _Is it possible to combine Rip Tide and Tidal Swim? Kick ten times off the air? Have to ask Boss about that…'_

The time for idle thoughts was soon over as Mikey came within striking range. His next Tidal Swim was not one of the simple pushes he'd done before; his tail coiled, folding as far as it would go, the muscles in his gut and back getting in on the action. This push wasn't so much a push as it was a rocket going off. Rearing back a flipper, Mikey reached Hildon with just enough time for the majordomo to look panicked before a heavy wooden stick slammed into his face with all of the dugong's momentum behind it.

 _CRASH!_

Or, in layman's terms, Mikey's extra strength Tidal Swim gave the nunchuck hit enough force to send Hildon flying into and through the roof of the manor, the dugong riding the body down to the floor.

At least, until Hildon slammed into it headfirst, throwing the dugong off.

Hildon was quick to jump back to his feet, but going by the way he was stumbling about and his eyeballs were spinning like pinwheels, he was most likely suffering from a severe (if purely psychosomatic) concussion. "Weeelcome to Thriller Bark," he mumbled dizzily. "Weeee hope you enjooooy your sta—!"

 _BLAM!_

Hildon's corpse crumbled into a pile of flesh and bones without even a whisper.

"Sorry, bub," Mikey snarled, smoke wafting up from his pistol's muzzle. "We're just passing through."

The dugong slowly stowed his firearm away as Hildon's shadowy soul ascended into the mist and out of sight. A brief glance to the left and right showed him to be alone, and the instant that that was clear, he flopped onto his back, allowing his screaming tail muscles a reprieve.

"Man… I knew we'd be getting stupidly strong here…" Mikey panted wearily. "But this... might just kill us first…"

He laid panting for a few moments longer... before allowing a savage smirk to cross his muzzle.

"Sweet _Horus_ I love this crew _."_

 **-o-**

You know something funny? Wielding a dachshund bazooka that was shooting a continuous stream of fire, alongside an angel with her own bazooka shooting a continuous stream of fire, accompanied by a talking radio-snail and a talking fox and getting radio advice from a talking reindeer doctor, while spelunking in the esophagus of the corpse of a positively _titanic_ giant, with the assistance of many disembodied arms, all in the middle of a massive freezer in a haunted mansion on an island that was converted into giant pirate ship sailing in the scariest sea known to sentient life this side of the Red Line?

Not as much fun as you'd think.

I mean, the experience itself was _novel,_ sure, but that was it, and the novelty wore off _fast_. I mean, the stench of it all and the awkward position were bad enough, but what I _really_ hated? It was that, in _spite_ of standing a mere foot from a _pillar_ of continuous hellfire, I was still _freezing my tailbone off._ Not to mention I was possessed by an urge. An urge I was fighting, but I was also about to give in to.

"Are we there yet?" I complained. _Not_ whined, no matter what anyone else says.

" **If you're** _feeling bored FROM THE_ MONOTONY, _**I can put on**_ **A SOUNDTRACK~"** Soundbite offered, the innocent smile he was wearing doing absolutely nothing to mask the golden glints of mischief that his eyes had become.

"Does it have anything to do with the words 'fire', 'blaze' or 'inferno'?" Conis dryly asked.

Those golden glints of mischief immediately looked away, accompanied by an 'innocent' whistle. "...MAYBE?"

"Then kindly _shut up,"_ we bit out as one.

" _ **Hmph, spoil—!"**_ Soundbite started to huff, before blinking in confusion. "TURKEY?"

Conis cocked her eyebrow at my partner in confusion. "Is… that a Blue Sea expression, or… ?"

"NO, I MEAN THAT _I SMELL TURKEY!"_ the snail clarified. " **ROAST turkey at that!"**

I blinked in surprise, but a tentative sniff at the air was all I needed to confirm my partner's words - though _only_ for a second, because the _moment_ I caught whiff of whatever the hell he was sniffing, I had to clamp my hand over my nose with a groan of disgust. Yeah, that smelled like turkey alright… if it was three months old and infested with _maggots_!

"Oh, what the _hell?!"_ I gagged miserably. Sweet hellfire, like the stench of roasting pork wasn't going to put me off animal flesh for weeks as it was.

"Ergh, that is _rank!"_ Conis concurred, sticking her tongue out miserably. "What, did we hit a patch of gases or something!?"

" _Wait, did the smell down there just change?"_ Chopper eagerly cut in. " _Stop firing for a second and check the wall! There's a chance you might have broken through the flesh and reached the spinal column!"_

"Wait, really?!" I perked up, hastily letting go of Lassoo's trigger and thus allowing the mutt to shift back into his hybrid form, at which point he all but collapsed on my shoulder.

"Th… ank… goo… dne… ss…" Lassoo wheezed, his tongue listlessly lolling out of his slack maw. "I'm… gonna… sleep for a few… _days…"_

"Lassoo?" I asked in concern as he panted against me.

"He's just overheated, Cross," Conis assured me as she waved the smoke off of her bazooka's glowing muzzle. "Keeping that stream up for so long must have been pushing against his limit. You're lucky he's a living weapon, otherwise you'd have to look out for barrel warping."

"Mmph, makes sense…" I nodded uncertainly as I helped Lassoo into his harness before scrutinizing the wall of the throat 'above' us. I was _extremely_ grateful to see slightly charred bone through the crumbling ash that had once been esophageal flesh. As I was doing so, though, a thought occurred to me. "Ah, Conis? You wouldn't happen to have a spare barrel on you, would you?"

Our gunner gave me an odd look. "Nnnooo, though I'm going to see about talking to Usopp and Franky about fixing that. Why do you ask?"

"I ask because unless Lassoo can find it in himself to hock a few of his high-calibre loogies—"

"Kiss my exhaust vent, slavedriver," my gun growled halfheartedly.

"Then we're going to have to find a way to make our way around this gaping abyss so that _you_ can blast his neck out with your Reject Dial."

Conis paled in horror before hastily slapping a desperate smile on her face. "C-Can we go with a plan C? Or D or… _anything_ that doesn't involve me _blowing my shoulder out!?"_

" _Er… an… alternative solution might be advisable, actually,"_ Chopper commented with new hesitation. " _I feel like a bit of a dumbass for only just realizing it, but…Oars' spine is as wide as Conis is tall, and most of that will be pure calcium, even denser than human bone to deal with the stresses of moving at that size. I… am honestly at a loss for just how you're going to sever it."_

"Er…" Conis and I exchanged uncertain glances, _trying_ to come up with an answer between us, but… yeah, we had nothing.

Well, thankfully we were saved from having to come up with an answer, because someone else did it for us.

" **MY TIME TO SHINE!"**

I snapped a shocked look at my shoulder. "Soundbite!?"

" _You know it!"_ my partner in madness cackled before glancing upward. "CHOPPER! MY BIOLOGY'S A BIT RUSTY— _READ, NON-EXISTENT—_ **but basically speaking, this lug's** _ **spine should be one chain of barely interrupted bone, YAH?"**_

" _Eh... it's a bit more complicated than that, but for our purposes, yes."_

" **PERFECT! And, follow-up** _question... frozen as this bastard is, HE WON'T CRUMBLE_ _ **if his spine as a whole ceases to be,**_ AYE?"

" _Eeerrr...?"_ Chopper coughed uncertainly. " _I... would_ not _recommend sticking around in there longer than you have to if that were the case, but apart from that... you_ should _be fine? Trust me, this is not even_ remotely _something I have experience in."_

"Soundbite, what exactly are you planning?" I asked, cautiously winding my line around my arm and slipping my headphones on in preparation for whatever the hell was about to happen. The fact that Conis didn't even need to be prompted to do the same was not very reassuring.

Soundbite bared his teeth eagerly as he affixed the 'ceiling' of the throat with a smirk. "BRACE YOURSELVES, _mes ami._ _ **THINGS ARE ABOUT TO GET**_ **very, very..."**

And just like that, it felt like the air in the throat stopped _dead._

" _ **Quiet."**_ Soundbite's maw widened malevolently even as he started to grind his teeth together. It was subtle at first, but bit by bit the surrounding air started to _vibrate._ No, not just the air. _I_ was vibrating, right down to my bones.

" **GASTRO-BLAST,"** rumbled a legion of the damned.

The screeching that followed was… it was beyond words. It penetrated past the ears, past the brain and rammed straight into the very _soul_ , threatening to shake it loose from its metaphysical housings. And _somehow?_ It managed to actually get _louder._ And louder and louder and _louder_ until finally _-!_

 _CRACK!_

The ceiling of mottled white above us _splintered_ like a pane of glass.

" _ **Stereo Edition,"**_ Soundbite buzzed in an exhilarated tone of voice.

I stared at my partner in awe before casting a fearful glance around as tremors started to shake the thrice-dead flesh we were surrounded by. "Sooooundbiiiiite, what the _hell_ did you just do!?"

" _Ooooh, ya know,"_ Soundbite leered faux-innocently. "NOTHING TOO BIG… ' **cept for shattering this FAT BASTARD'S C1-7!** _ **Good luck trying to get him to SO MUCH AS SCRATCH HIS ASS!"**_

Conis gaped at my snail in awe. "Soundbite, I officially take back every last mean thing I have _ever_ said about you."

" _EH!? YOU'VE NEVER said shit_ **about me!"**

"Ah…" Conis froze up for a moment before plastering a sheepish grin on her face. "Riiiight, I… never actually said those things aloud, did I? Aheheh… any chance we could just strike the the last minute or so from the record?"

"THE HELL WE CAN! _**What the hell**_ **did you—!?"**

" _Whatever argument you're having,"_ Chopper cut in with no small amount of urgency. " _I recommend you do it_ outside _of the zombified super-giant that just got it's central structural support neutered. Just a reminder."_

As if on cue, Oars' entire body creaked ominously, all of us exchanging nervous glances at the sound of ice cracking.

"Yeaaaaah, probably a good idea," I nervously agreed, our gunner and I already starting to make our way back up our respective lines. "Anything else? Any word from the front lines?"

" _No battle updates, I'm afraid, or at least nothing really that pertinent…"_ the doctor assured us... before causing us all to tense as he switched to a tone of voice that caused Soundbite's grin to widen to utterly mad levels. " _ **But I, on the other hand, have learned something**_ **quite** _ **interesting from Hogback. Something I think you'll be**_ **extremely** _ **interested in, Cross…"**_

"Ah..." I exchanged wary glances with my partner. "'Interested' in what way exactly?"

Somehow, Chopper's grin somehow managed to stretch even _wider._ " _ **The 'extreme amounts of collateral damage' way."**_

"…well," I slowly matched Chopper's grin tooth for tooth. "You're right, good doctor. That _does_ sound extremely interesting."

Soundbite swallowed heavily before swivelling his eyestalks to glance at Conis. " **Would you believe** _ **that there's a curse from CROSS'S WORLD THAT GOES**_ ' _May you live in interesting times'?"_

Conis swallowed heavily as she glanced between me and my snail's borrowed mouth. "Yes, Soundbite. Yes, I _very much_ would."

 **-o-**

"Ragh! Stand still you little leathery shit!"

"Not on your unlife, blubber-butt!" Raphey taunted casually as she swayed back like a strand of kelp, Gallant Hippo's sword harmlessly swishing through the space she'd occupied. The instant the blade was lodged in the soil, she snapped back up and lashed her sais out, using one to trap the blade in place and the other to stab several holes in the patchwork palaver's hide before it managed to wrench itself free and leap back, putting some distance between it and she. Still, for what little damage Raphey had managed to cause the zombie, she still felt she'd managed to accurately measure the zombie's worth.

And quite frankly, she was _not_ impressed.

The Wild Zombie commander, Gallant Hippo, certainly had power and was fast for his size, but whoever'd gotten their shadow ganked to grant him his sword abilities had _no_ idea how to fight a smaller, nimbler opponent with short weapons.

Sure, the longsword-and-buckler combo was well suited against other swordsmen or someone with a longarm, but if her opponent were still alive he'd have likely passed out from blood loss by now, and that was only if he'd managed to avoid acquiring a nick in his femoral artery.

In short? The female of the TDWS had complete confidence in the fact that she could take him.

 _THWACK!_

"GAGH!"

Then Lola flew past her and Raphey was harshly reminded of the _other_ opponent she was facing, who she felt _distinctly_ less confident about.

"You okay, Lola?" Raphey called out tersely, parrying Gallant's continued assault with one eye while keeping an eye out for her other rampaging opponent with the other.

"I'm not out yet!" came the Lola's only slightly dizzy reply, followed by the sound of someone hocking a loogie. "Ah... though I _really_ need to get off this island soon to see a dentist, 'cause I'm starting to run outta-!"

" _RAAAAAAAAGH!"_

" _Woahshit!"_

Raphey ground her teeth in irritation as Zola suddenly charged by her, murder in the warthog's eyes. Her mortal counterpart only barely got up her blades in time to initiate a lock. Hastily weighing her options in face of the war-hog's (and no way in _hell_ was that a typo) fury, Raphey came to a decision.

"Sorry, bub," she snarled up at her leather-necked opponent, causing him to twitch in irritation. "But I!" She parried his downward swing to the left. "Don't have time!" Another parry, this time to the right. "To play with you!" A 'relatively' simple six-foot dead leap above a leg-high (or tail-high as it were) slash. "ANYMORE!"

"Yooooou!" Gallant Hippo snorted out a nostril-load of steam, his rage spiking to the point where he threw his shield aside and strangled his sword's hilt with both hands. "Play with _THIS!"_ And with that, the zombie lashed out with a titanic overhead strike.

An overhead strike that Raphey met with a defiant smirk. " _Gladly."_

An _inch_ before the sword met her skull, Raphey snapped her flippers up, sais crossed and offset _just_ so…

 _SKRANG!_

So that the oversized blade slipped neatly into the gap between the weapons' prongs and the central shafts of her sais. With her newfound leverage, all it took was a simple twist-and-jerk of her weapons and Gallant Hippo's sword snapped between the weapons like a dry twig.

Gallant Hippo wasted any chance to counter by holding his sword up to his face and staring dumbly at it. Complete with dropped jaw. Raphey had enough savviness to wait to roll her eyes until _after_ she'd lobbed a lump of salt into the gaping maw, but it didn't diminish the exasperation she felt.

"Well, that was disappointing," she groused. "Seriously, what's a chick gotta do to get a decent fight around—"

"—aaaaaaaaaa—"

The dugong blinked in confusion. "—here? What the—?" All of a sudden, Raphey's instincts blared on high alert. She ducked her head—

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

—and winced sympathetically as Lola flew clean over her and slammed clean into the trunk of an admirably sturdy tree. After sparing her newfound ally a sympathetic glance, Raphey hesitantly turned around and swallowed heavily as she came face to steam-snorting snout with Zola, whose eyes were positively _blazing_ with an unholy rage.

"Oh, the things I do for a good fight," Raphey groaned, slowly raising her sais into a defensive guard. "Hey, pigsticker!"

Zola's unholy rage, originally split between her and Lola, fully shifted onto the dugong, who couldn't help but allow herself a shiver. But even in face of such fury, Raphey said what she needed to say.

"Your warts have some hog on them."

Granted, what she needed to say wasn't exactly the _smartest_ thing to say, but going by how steam practically _blasted_ out of Zola's ears, it had the desired effect.

" **Gon' kill you! KIIILL YOOOOOU!"** Zola roared, swinging her blades overhead at Raphey, who responded by raising her sais to meet them in a rehash of the maneuver she'd pulled on Gallant Hippo.

That course of action turned out to be a rather grievous mistake.

Two blades meant half the leverage from each sai, and with Zola abandoning all pretenses of technique and subtlety in favor of berserker rage, victory now came from brute strength rather than skill. And in the end, no matter how disproportionately strong Raphey and her fellow dugongs were, there was no way in hell she could win a direct clash of muscle against someone who outweighed her almost ten times over. As a result...

' _Badtimebadtimebadtime!'_ Raphey mentally chanted as she was forced to backpedal, reduced to ineffectively flailing her sais in an effort to stave off the storm of blades and paying for her head's continued connection to her body with an alarming number of dents. ' _Okay, so maybe making_ all _enemies_ _angrier isn't a valid tactic after all, I know this now. Now if only I could actually find a way to_ survive _this fuckup so that I can actually_ apply it!'

Luckily for the pink-bandana'd dugong, before Zola could either overwhelm her or break her weapons, Lola—battered and bruised like hell but still kicking like a mule—came charging out of _nowhere_ , her own blades lashing out in a flurry of slices and stabs that bit deep into her undead counterparts necrotized flesh. It _would_ have been impressive, if not for one small problem: Zola wasn't _stopping._

In fact, the zombie found it in herself to lash one of her swords out and send Lola skidding back a few feet before renewing her onslaught on Raphey's guard.

Still, despite the rain of blows, Raphey still managed to lock eyes with Lola as she stabilized her footing. The pirate captain stared back, an unspoken message passing between them.

' _Separate attacks are useless.'_

Lola, her footing regained, hastily ran behind Raphey's steady retreat and prepared herself. Then, as Zola raised a sword to cleave Raphey's skull open like a rotten melon, it was met not with a sai but Lola's crossed blades. Gritting her teeth, the dugong took the opportunity to jam snag Zola's sword with her sai and twist her blade anew. Thankfully, for all that the warthog's swords were larger and of better quality than Gallant Hippo' arms, you could only make a sword so strong with conventional steel and the sword swiftly shattered under the longitudinal strain.

Down to one sword, Zola had to actually _defend_ for the first time since the fight began, Lola's twin blades seeking out stitches while Raphey dug a packet of salt out from her shell and prepared it for lobbing, an eager grin on her muzzle.

"Aaaaalright, now hold still, you _swine…"_ she muttered, tracking Zola and Lola's back-and-forth. Zola did _not_ hold still, but luckily she was also rather predictable in her burning rage, so it wasn't long before Raphey got the pattern down. "Just... a bit... _Gotcha!"_ Snapping her flipper out, the dugong let the salt fly. The packet flew true, entering Zola's mouth mid-howl and resulting in the zombie immediately slumping bonelessly to the ground.

"Yes!" the dugong whooped, dashing over to where Lola was catching her breath and raising her flipper. "High-one, sista!"

"Ye—! Ah… wait a second..." Lola's whoop died in her throat mid-handraise. "Uh... Raphey? You... salted her, right? Then... where's my shadow?"

Raphey paused, blinking in confusion. "Eh? The heck are you talking about, it's right… ah…" The blood evacuated her face as she replayed the last few seconds through her mind. "It's... uh... wait a seco—"

"Tusk Coronet!"

Both fighters whirled around just in time to catch a tusk in the side, the sharp bones digging into their flesh as the sheer force of the impact, plus a head-buck from the zombie, sent them both tumbling.

"I've got you now!" Zola crowed, slashing her weapon furiously even as she yanked the salt-packet out from the gap in her teeth where it had gotten caught. "You're gonna pay for insulting me! You'll wish you'd never said that there isn't a blue ribbon big enough to convince anyone to marry me!"

"No one said that!" Raphey snapped as she shakily pushed herself onto her tail. Unfortunately, in the face of the hog's undaunted charge, all Raphey could do was ineffectually fling her sai at the zombie before dodging to the side. The weapon clanged harmlessly off of one of Zola's tusks, but she didn't even try to change course due to her rage being focused entirely on—

"Lola!" Raphey shouted at her comrade in arms, who'd been disarmed in the impact and was, more importantly, _standing right in her zombie's path of destruction._

Lola, for her part, could only flinch, clutching at the gaping wound in her side as she watched the impending doom bearing down upon her. Her face twisted up in uncertainty and anguish, but then her eyes set in iron-willed determination and she… _anchored her stance and spread her arms wide!?_

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU—!? _RIP TIDE!"_ Raphey barked, taking off after the charging warthog. Even as she did so, though, she knew she wouldn't make it. She just _knew_ that she wasn't anywhere near good enough with the move yet to get that much distance in one Rip Tide. Zola would get there first, smear Lola all over the dirt, and then do the same to _her_. Raphey had to do something, _something—!_

And then, just like that, _impact._ Pirate and zombie met...

"RAAAAAA— _WHA!?"_

And to Raphey's shock, Lola didn't even _budge_. In fact, the captain had managed to grab hold of her shadow's zombie by the tusks, and was even managing _hold it back!_

"Raphey!" Lola shouted, freeing one hand to grab her zombie's upper jaw. With a _shove,_ the skull wrenched in half with a loud _SNAP!_ " _NOW!"_

The dugong, coming out of her Rip Tide, acted instinctively before she could even begin to formulate a question. Her flipper practically blurring, Raphey withdrew another salt packet and, after making sure it was partially open this time, tossed it into Zola's gaping maw.

This time, the the warthog properly gagged before slumping in Lola's arms, her umbral soul spilling from her mouth and _immediately_ pooling at the ground beneath Lola.

The pirate captain shakily let go of the freshly-dead corpse, staring at the barely-visible imprint she was casting before sinking to her knees, tears of joy streaming down her face. Slowly, shakily, as if she couldn't believe it, she ran her fingers over her shadow, her soul, _herself_. "Straw Hats… I will never, _ever_ be able to repay this debt."

"Yeahyeahyeah, time for that later, now hurry and give me your hands!" Raphey snarled as she rushed over to her ally and grabbed her wrists. "Sweet Sobek, that maneuver was gutsy as all hell, but it sure wasn't _smart!_ We need to get these things bandaged ASAP!"

"Wha- _ah!"_ Lola flinched as she tried to wrench her hands free of the sea mammal's grip. "T-T-That's really not necessary, I'm totally fine, you don't have to-!"

"The hell I don't!" Raphey snapped as she tried to get a look at the pirate's hands. "I mean, seriously! After something like that, your palms must be ripped to-!...shreds?" The dugong trailed off, boggled at the sight of Lola's _totally_ uninjured palms. Heck, they were better than alright, they were were... they were _pristine!_ As gleaming and solid-looking as though they were wrought of pure steel, even!

Wait a minute.

"What the—? Powers?! But Cross never said anything about you... but this looks like armo—!…wait... armor... _Armame—MMPH!?"_

" _Shhhhhut up!"_ Lola hissed desperately as she kept a hand clamped over Raphey's muzzle, her head on a swivel, cold sweat coating her from head to toe. "Don't use that word, don't you _dare_ use that word or any others like it about me! I've worked hard to keep it a secret, but the trees and walls _literally_ have ears, and if anyone finds out about it, my life is _forfeit!"_

"Mmm- _bwah!_ Thanks..." Raphey gasped in relief as she was released before pinning Lola with a confused glare. "And what the hell do you mean 'forfeit!?' You have H— _that!_ That means you're practically invincible, especially in Paradise, right?"

"Right and wrong!" Lola growled out miserably as she yanked at her pigtails. "Yes, _that_ is fantastically strong in the weaker seas, _but that's the problem!_ _That-_ users outside of the New World stick out like sore thumbs, so if anyone looks into me they'll find my name, and if they find my name then _they_ find me, and then… then I'm _dead!"_

"Er…" Raphey tilted her head in confusion. "'They'?"

Lola chewed at her lip before hanging her head with a defeated sigh. "My… My family, alright? If word gets back to my family about where I am, then they'll come for me. And then, they'll… they'll…" She lapsed into an uncomfortable silence.

"…that bad?" Raphey asked quietly.

An overtone of horror overcame the pirate captain as she swallowed heavily. "If I never see most of my family again before I die," she said in a slow and deliberate tone of voice. "Then I will die _very_ happy."

Raphey was silent for a few seconds before nodding firmly. "Your secret is safe with me."

Lola sighed in relief, her whole body uncoiling as the tension exited it. "Thank you…"

"Thank us all later," Raphey waved her off as she started to turn towards where the rest of the fighting was taking place. "For now, that's one more shadow down, a _load_ more to go. Let's get back to it!"

"Agreed!" Lola nodded, slamming her palm into her fist..

The two made to move forward, and almost immediately they both slumped down onto the ground, clutching their sides in pain. "After we take a second to fix the fact that we're bleeding out," Raphey grunted.

"Agreed…"

 **-o-**

Glancing back to confirm that the zombie he'd been fighting wasn't in sight, Donny leapt up into the nearest tree, his lack of Tidal Swim doing nothing to slow his ascension.

"And those bastards…teased me…for learning…parkour," Donny huffed in frustration as he balanced on a branch, leaning against the tree trunk while he caught his breath. "But… my rage against them… will be _fucking nothing…_ compared to what I'll do to Cross… _if he knew about this ELEVEN-TIMES-DAMNED—!"_

"SO! Hiding up in a tree, eh?! Thinkin' it's all safe and sound? LEMME SHOW YA SOMETHIN'!"

"Oh _fuckme,"_ Donny groaned breathlessly, his expression turning bland at the steady thumps vibrating up the trunk of the tree. Several seconds later, the vibrating stopped, and he deadpanned, "Timber" as his perch slowly tipped forward.

The dugong barely reacted as the tree crashed to the ground, unceremoniously dumping the amphibian onto the unforgiving ground. Snorting, he flipped himself onto his tail to face the grinning, axe-crazy zombie, staff at the ready.

"As you can see!" Bill laughed heartily as he leaned on his axe. "You must be _veeeeery_ careful when you're on the battlefield, because ya never know when a random lumberjack might decide to wander along and decide 'ta break into a musical number straight outta _MONTY PYTHON!"_

Donny's eye twitched furiously as he tried and failed to parse that statement. "Who the hell is—!?"

" _BUUUUURP!"_

"— _WAGH!?"_

The dugong let out a yelp of terror as he hastily dove to the side to avoid a gout of flame that charbroiled the space he'd been occupying a second ago.

"Urp! Oh, excuse me!" Bill coughed as he smacked his fist against his chest, lit up by the flames peeking out from under his ribcage. "Shouldn'ta eaten' that there West Blue cuisine before fighting! Spicy buggers, it feels like my insides are on fire!"

" _THEY_ ARE _ON FIRE, YOU CRAZY SON OF A BITCH!"_ Donny howled, his patience ground down to almost nothing.

Bill glanced down at himself, blinking in apparent surprise at the flames burning in his midsection. "Huh. Wouldja look at that, so they are. Well, you know what they say! _CONSTANT VIGI—!_ "

" _Rip Tide!"_ Donny snarled out, _slamming_ his tail into the ground and launching himself at the incendiary revenant.

"Ah, jogging!" Bill sniffed primly, his only reaction to his opponent's disappearance being to step back and stick his foot out. "A noble pursuit! But ya always gotta be on the lookout for roots!" Donny, locked in his blur of speed, didn't notice his target's relocation until he hit his intended destination, by which point it was too late and Donny was sent sprawling tail over teakettle. "They're sneaky buggers, AIN'T THEY!? Never see them until you're SNAPPED UP LIKE A SNAPPER AT A SEA KING BAR MITZ—ah, whoops!" Bill lifted his leg and blinked at the blatant _absence_ of a foot at the end of his leg. "Weeeell, looks like _I'm_ the one on the backstep now! _HAH HAH HAH HAH—!"_

"Oh, will you _give it a rest already?!"_

"— _GWAH!?"_ Fire Zombie Bill yelped in shock when he was suddenly face to face with close to fifty pounds of pissed off dugong swinging his very large and very heavy stick at his head. It took all the speed the General Zombie had to snap his axe up and keep up with the Dugong, fending off blow after blow from the student.

"Let _me_ tell _you_ something, you literal _flaming_ _idiot!"_ Donny snarled in the revenant's face, his adrenaline allowing him to forge through the heat the living pyre was giving off. "You are the most infuriating, reckless, whacked-out _nutjob_ I have ever had the sheer _displeasure_ of fighting, and _that_ is damn well saying something!"

"I'm sorry to hear that, sonny boy!" Bill replied, voice dripping with insincerity. "In fact, that—!"

Donny's staff jamming into his throat tragically aborted _that_ line. "I said," the dugong bit out, shoving the General Zombie onto his back. "Give. It. A rest. Because on top of all that stuff I just said?!" The dugong leapt into the air, his staff raised above his head and ready to strike his foe down once and for all via the salt paste on the weapon's tip. "YOU'RE NOT _FUNNY!"_

"Not… funny…?" Bill parroted as his opponent came down from the sky, sounding bewildered. "Not… funny…"

All at once, a change came over the zombie. Stiff tension drained away, and the underbite grin fell away into a light, flat smile. Languidly standing, his hand shot out, grabbing Donny's staff before he could react.

"What the—GRK!"

And in one fluid motion, the other hand lashed out, flaming fingers searing Donny's flesh as he bodily rammed into the nearest tree.

"Bitch," Fire Zombie Bill's mouth drawled, darkness and murder oozing from every decibel. "I am _hilarious."_ The zombie's arm then swung out to the side and flung Donny halfway _through_ another tree.

Taking a minute to shake off the pain and dizziness, the dugong groggily pulled himself up. One look at the advancing Bill, his head held low and axe dragging in the ground as he slowly stumped his way towards Donny was all he needed.

"Nope!" he declared. "Rip Tide!"

Blurring from existence, he reappeared behind a nearby tree. Poking his around the trunk, he saw Bill paused several feet away, glancing about.

"Okay…" he sighed in relief. "Right. How am I gonna beat this guy? This super strong… super crazy zombie… with a fire axe…" Groaning, he slumped onto his flippers. "Oh, this is gonna suck. Why couldn't Leo be here? Or hell, Raphey, or even _Mikey!_ _They'd_ be all over this shit!"

"Well, you're right about that."

Only Donny's prone position saved him from the axe biting into his snout. Instead, it sprayed splinters everywhere on its way to cleaving straight through the tree he'd been hiding behind. Slowly, the dugong glanced up at the grinning, flame-wreathed face of the axe-wielding devil himself.

"You don't strike me as the type to enjoy something like this," Bill drawled, raising the axe.

"Shell Body!" Donny hastily yelped, crossing his flippers. And none too soon, the axe screaming down to slam into the iron-hard guard.

Sadly, 'mere' iron turned out to be inadequate to the task. Axe and body collided with a loud clang, the head biting slightly into his flippers. Donny flinched from the trench rent into his limbs, and Bill didn't give him time to counter. Instead, he raised the axe, dugong still attached, and slammed them both into the nearest tree.

"Argh!" Donny yelped, both from the pain of his collision with the tree and the axe head biting an even deeper crevice in his flippers. "Son of a—! Back! _Off!"_

"Sure." And just like that, a boot planted itself in Donny's sternum and wrenched the axe from his flippers, leaving Donny to slump to the roots, cradling the rent flesh of his arms.

"Argh..." Donny groaned, glancing up in confusion. "Wha-? W-Why did you—?"

"Weeeell, you see..." 'Bill' replied, swinging his axe up and balancing it behind his neck. "The thing is, at the moment, I'm... a bit at a loss, really. I don't usually have to… ad-lib this much, usually have time to plan my routine..." The zombie's manic grin widened as he took a step towards the prone dugong. "So! What I need you to do... is _run_."

Donny blinked. "Run?"

"Yes!" Bill swung his axe out and pointed it into the woods. "Run. Flee. Abscond. Whatever verb you want to use, I don't particularly care. Just… do both me and yourself a favor, would you? Be creative about it..." He swung his weapon down so that the blade was hovering _right_ in the middle of Donny's face, madness glinting in his rotted eyes. " _Or else."_

Donny stared with bald-faced shock at the zombie. He was… giving him a chance to run? Why would—?

The sudden appearance of the zombie after he'd fled the first time popped up in his brain. Right, because he could do that and it looked like he was _seriously_ sadistic. Still, Donny wasn't about to look more time to live in the mouth, however furtive. But how to be creative…?

"What would everyone else do?" he muttered under his breath, internally grateful Bill seemed to be inclined to wait for the moment. Though the way he was running his finger over his axe's blade did not exactly inspire what one would consider 'confidence'.

Unbidden, an image of Leo popped into his head, blades drawn and a determined look in his eyes. " _Well if it were me, I'd just chop him up, easy-peasy!"_

'… _yeah, save that I have neither the tools nor the skills to actually_ do _that, you sword-con.'_

An image of Boss popped into his head, chest puffed out and his cigar pointed straight at him. " _I'd hit him hard enough to knock his head off his neck!"_

' _If I could do that, I'd have done it already!'_

Boss faded away, to be replaced by Raphey, who was sporting a wide smile and giving him a thumbs-up. " _I'd use you as bait and run!"_

Donny's expression actually fell flat at that. ' _Gee, thanks.'_

" _Heh, no prob… heeeey wait a minute, I'm a representation of how you view the real me… YOU JACKASS, YOU REALLY THINK I'M THAT MUCH OF A BITCH!? WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I'M GONNA—!"_

Donny hastily derailed _that_ train of thought in favor of conjuring Mikey into his mind's eye, smiling as though he'd just come up with the best prank of all time. And the idea he proposed was…

Donny blinked in surprise. Of all the things he'd been expecting, it sure as hell wasn't an idea that was… honestly not that terrible.

" _SCREW YOU, ASSHOLE!"_

Jerking out of his thoughts, Donny snapped his attention up, took a swift survey of his opponent and identified the _one_ point on Bill's body that _wasn't_ on fire: his (presumably) fireproof helmet.

"As Mikey always says, if it's stupid and it works," the intellectual amphibian muttered, moving his tail into position. "Then it's not stupid. Rip Tide!"

Bill sighed as the dugong zipped away. "Spoilsport. Fun while it lasted though. Ah well, plenty of other intruders to—" He paused, his eyes narrowing as he saw Donny throw his staff into the ground and then landed on it, the wood bending alarmingly. "Hmm."

What bends back must return, and so the staff snapped forward, hurling Donny at Bill, the latter of whom raised his axe to block. Instead of getting chopped in half, though, the dugong managed a graceful flip in midair and landed on Bill's helmet.

"RIP TIDE!"

And then kicked off again, soaring off into the forest while simultaneously sending Bill for a loop - which in this case meant twisting his skull around a full 180 degrees.

Bill, for his part, was left stumbling around as he tried to synch his newly disjointed perspective with his body. Or rather, his body stumbled around while his head tried to direct it appropriately.

"No, no, left. Left, you ignoramus! Just reach up and twist me to the left! Nonono, _my_ left! Mmrph, this is why I'm the brains of this operation…"

Far away (but not too far), Donny leaned against a tree, a silly grin on his face. "That worked… I can't believe that worked!" The grin promptly died painfully when he realized he was missing something. "...ex _cept_ that I left my staff behind, _damn it, Mikey!_ Ergh..." He kneaded the bridge of his nose miserably. "Great, just great, that's gonna make this even harder…"

'This' being _beating_ Bill. Not an easy task, even _with_ his staff. The only plan he could think of was drawing the axe-crazy zombie to someone who could actually beat him…

Slow clapping sounded out through the clearing. "Well! I gotta admit, that _was_ creative. Props!"

Buuuut it looked like he wouldn't have time for that. Gulping, Donny angled his head back to stare at Bill as he loomed over him, preemptively preparing his Shell Body.

"So," the zombie stated, tapping his fingers on the handle of his axe. "Wanna see a magic trick?"

For a brief moment Donny pondered saying 'no', but one look at the crazed zombie's grin killed that idea stone dead. "Uh... sure?"

A coin flashed into Bill's free hand, an odd silver piece with one side marred by a jagged 'X'. "Got this from an old friend," the zombie informed him, twirling the coin between his bony fingers. "Now, I'm going to make this coin… disappear." And just like that, the coin vanished.

Worse, Donny couldn't tell where it'd gone, and he was pretty good at spotting sleight-of-hand tricks. Then Bill reached for him, and the tension ratcheted up another order of magnitude. He stayed still, eyes, on the axe, as his opponent grasped something at the back of his head…

 _WHAM!_

And then Bill pulled Donny's head into his knee.

"GAGH!" Donny wheezed in agony as he reeled back, the pain centered around the _chunk of metal_ he could feel lodged square between his eyes.

"There we go…" Bill drawled as Donny stumbled back, his mind spinning as he tried to grasp at the coin lodged in his freaking _skull_. "That'll do. Let's mop this up so that I can have some time to plan out a _real_ schtick! But for now?" The blazing revenant's grin widened as he raised his axe above his head. "It's time to _cut_ and run!"

"Grgh... Shell... Body..." Donny mumbled out dizzily.

The axe came down, and _bounced_ off of Donny's skull, the sheer recoil actually wrenching the zombie's arm out of its socket.

The dugong's eyes refocused, and he smirked victoriously at the disarmed zombie. "Steel Hermit variant."

Bill blinked stupidly, taking in both his lack of a limb and Donny's still intact skull, and as he did so a change came over the flaming revenant. In an instant, he stood upright again, the light in his eyes changed and he let his jaw jut out to an almost comical level.

"Yeah, that's always a problem!" Bill - the original, _comical_ Bill - stated casually. "Y'go out to chop some wood, you raise your axe, ya miss, and hit your foot!" He paused, thinking. "Or a rock, which knocks your arm off. That could happen, too. Ah well!" He raised his remaining hand in order to shoot Donny a two-fingered salute. "Be right back with my arm and more helpful tips for how to survive a warzone! Hang tight!" And with that, the blazing zombie loped off into the underbrush after his limb.

Donny blinked as he processed the turn of events. ' _OK, so the good news is that the... I'm guessing_ shadow _is back in control, meaning I'm not longer dealing with a sadistic psychopath who wants me dead. Instead, I'm dealing with a lunatic who_ acts _like a sadistic psychopath whose antics are_ going _to kill me, unless the original mind takes over first and splits my freaking_ skull _in two! WHAT THE HELL DO I DO-!?'_ Donny hastily rapped his 'knuckles' against hi shead _. 'Alright alright alright, no more freaking out... just... just think, just think. Just think of how the hell I'm supposed to outsmart... that...'_

Almost as soon as the train of thought ran through Donny's mind, he slowly turned his head to observe the flicker of flames that indicated Bill's return.

' _Dumbass,'_ Donny finished, heaving a defeated sigh. ' _Well… if Mikey's way worked once, may as well try it again.'_

"GEEZE!" the dugong exclaimed at the top of his lungs and with more cured pork than he'd ever risk letting into his voice with Luffy around, _just_ as a newly whole Bill emerged from the underbrush. "This fight is _really_ wearing on!" He ghosted his hand over his shell, ensuring that he garnered Bill's undivided attention. "I'd better have a snack to keep up my energy!"

Moving fast, Donny reached into his shell, pulled something out, and the _second_ his hand was halfway to his mouth, Bill all but _blurred_ over to him and snatched the object out of his flipper.

"Mid-battle snack, huh!?" the zombie barked, looking over the riceball he was holding. "Innocent doodad, ain't it? A nice and yummy treat ta get yer spirits up! LEMME SHOW YA SOMETHING!"

Without further ado, Bill tossed the snack in the air and swallowed it in a single gulp.

"Mm, tasty!" Bill crowed, rubbing his belly. "What was in it?"

"Ooooh, you know, the usual." Donny crossed his fins behind his head as he _ever-so-innocently_ swayed back and forth on his tail. "Rice, a bit of seaweed, some salmon…" A malevolent glint lit up the dugong's eye. "And _salt."_

The Fire Zombie froze up mid-rub, his eyes shooting wide in shocked realization. "UH-OH!"

 _BOOM!_

"GAH!" Donny leapt back in shock and terror when the zombie's cranium suddenly _exploded_ in a geyser of umbral essence. "What the _hell!?_ Damn it, even in double-death, that bastard just _cannot_ do anything even _remotely_ normal, can he!? Urgh…" The dugong glanced down at the chunks of… _being_ that were sprayed over his shell. "This is gonna take forever to wash out…"

"Hey, he took down Bill!"

"Oh, come _on_ …" Donny groaned, turning to the crowd of zombies that had just walked out of the underbrush with a somewhat-rusty stance for unarmed combat. "Alright, bring it on, you—!"

The zombies surged forward, Donny tensed, ready for comba, and then blinked in surprise as said zombies surged _around_ him, instead going for Bill. Drawing axes, swords, and other sharp instruments, they descended on his body, hacking and bludgeoning and just _ravaging_ the body until it was little more than a stain on the ground. The dugong could only stare throughout the process.

"Soooo…" Donny drew out at last. "I'm guessing he _always_ acted like that?"

"Yes," one of the zombies spat. "Hopefully, _this_ will make sure he _never_ comes back again... though..." He hung his head with a despondent sob. "I'm _really_ not counting on it. Not after the killer dolphin."

"Or the rabid coyote pack!"

"Or that extreme chili con carne contest!"

"Riiiiight…" Donny muttered, a hefty drop of sweat hanging from his skull "And... what about me?"

"Meh, we don't care," another zombie grunted dismissively. "You're all screwed no matter what we do to you, so we couldn't care less. For now, we're gonna break into the alcohol stores and celebrate that we've _finally_ gotten us a reprieve! _See ya!"_

Donny briefly toyed with the thought of pointing out how logically alcohol wouldn't do much to long-necrotized gray matter, but he reconsidered in light of the fact that, to reiterate, he was speaking to individuals _with_ necrotized gray matter in the first place. After all, at the moment, he had far bigger fish to fry.

"Starting with where the _hell_ did I leave my staff…" Donny muttered, scratching the back of his skull.

 **-o-**

Boss sighed as he gazed into the fog shrouding Thriller Bark. "Y'know," he mused conversationally. "When I came out into these seas, I expected two things: that I'd grow stronger, and that I'd get a lot of great fights. I've sure as heck gotten the first, can't complain about that, but the second…"

Idly hopping back, he watched as a multi-armed zombie wearing a cracked and triple-eyed mask dove past him, claws swishing through empty air.

"Case in point, there's you," Boss continued reassuringly, waving his cigar at the zombie. "I mean, you're not _bad_. Those extra limbs are an interesting gambit, after all, and you don't see armblades like that often. And heck, compared to those fishmen in Mock Town, or that zipper guy, you're pretty good." He absentmindedly patted a trio of thin red lines in his side. "Hell, you hit me! Not many people can do that, y'know! Now, c'mon." He chomped down on his cigar and pounded his fists together eagerly. "No more playing around! I want to fight you for _real!"_

Despite the mask, Boss had the distinct feeling that his opponent was trying to incinerate him with his glare.

Boss blinked in surprise as the beri finally dropped. "You... actually _were_ fighting for real, weren't you?" He dropped his head into a bow. "My sincerest condolences."

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU PITYING ME!?" the zombie roared, jumping straight for him, blades raised.

Boss' entire demeanor shifted, a vicious glint shining in his eye. "Because you _deserve it."_ And with that he swayed under the strike, swung his hook about the zombie and then Rip Tided away, dragging his opponent along for the ride. Upon coming to a halt, Boss gave his rope dart an extra firm yank, accelerating the General Zombie's airspeed to the maximum.

"Squall Pistol," Boss smirked sadistically as he reared his 'finger' back. "Water Spout Shot!"

The self-identified Jorogumo's flight ended with him getting all but impaled on Boss' 'finger'. He only remained in place for a moment, though, as the _second_ Boss's brawn overpowered his momentum, the zombie was sent _careening_ back into the nearest tree… and then through it to slam into the one behind it… and then onto the one behind _that one._ Needless to say, beyond a few scant twitches and spasms it _couldn't_ have moved even if it wanted to.

Boss observed his opponent's downed form for a few moments before scratching the back of his skull with a defeated sigh. "So disappointing," he groaned. Then he blinked as a dozen gun barrels were shoved in his face. "...well, this is certainly _one_ way to make a guy feel special." He glanced around at his newest set of opponents, but stopped and grinned when his gaze happened to go upward. "Too bad _I_ won't be your dance partner at the moment. Shell Body."

The zombies blinked, their confusion lasting just long enough for a black sphere to land between them—

 _BLAM!_

—and detonate, sending solid rock salt scything every which way. Every zombie surrounding Boss was simultaneously shredded and unshadowed, and those who were further away got no reprieve as several hundred pounds of frustrated cyborg slammed into them like a certain prototype train engine.

"Grrragh, I'm starting to get SUPER pissed here!" Franky growled in aggravation as he mowed down line after line of zombies. "This is like the Bridge of Hesitation all over again! Except those bastards had the decency to _stay down_ once you hit them enough!" The statement was backed up by how for every zombie Franky knocked down two got up, almost twice as pissed as before.

"No kidding—Typhoon Lash!" Boss barked, the razor wind kneecapping several zombies. That _still_ didn't stop them, as the cadavers just swapped to crawling. "Gah, the one time I find a doggedly persistent opponent and they're just _annoying._ Hey, you're taller than me, any clue how the rest of the fight's going?"

Absently backhanding a zombie trying to sneak up on him, Franky flicked up his sunglasses and looked around. On the one hand, Lola's crew was trying desperately not to get overrun by the zombies, exhaustion and a steady depletion of salt badly hampering their efforts. Hell, even Merry, previously occupied with treating the many wounded, had waded into the fight, using one of the bigger zombies as a club. On the other hand, the rest of the Straw Hats were steadily grinding their way through the horde, though even there, the image of the Bridge of Hesitation continued to assert itself. Vivi was huddled behind Nami's Eisen Cloud, clutching her ribs with a visible wince and even _Zoro's_ meatgrinder impression was fast losing momentum.

"Not good," the cyborg grunted, spinning the nunchaku again to clear some space. "Lola's crew is barely hanging on, and Zoro's group will probably stop advancing soon. Hell, the only reason we haven't been completely buried in bodies is—!"

"BAROOOOO!"

"GUM-GUM STAMP GATLING!"

"Yeah, that."

The 'that' in question was Funkfreed in full elephant mode rampaging through the crowd of zombies, lashing out with nose, leg, and razor-sharp tusk. The elephant was putting on a particularly good showing, most notably through profligate usage of his latest technique—

"PACHY-RIOT!"

Which used the Jet and Water Dials that had been installed in the elephant-sword's hilt to _blast_ a stream of high-pressure water out of the Zoan-weapon's nose. Unfortunately, the water wasn't salt-infused due to the combination making Funkfreed nauseous, but even unsalted, the blasts of liquid were sowing immense disarray amidst the zombie's ranks. Honestly, between Funkfreed's mass and the SWAT-levels of liquid being utilized, Luffy riding on the elephant's back and Stamping any zombies he could reach almost seemed like overkill.

…though since no matter what the Straw Hats and their allies did there always seemed to be more of the bastards waiting in the wings, 'overkill' was a completely foreign concept for the situation.

"Dammit, when am I gonna get a good one-on-one match?" Boss groused, lassoing a half-dozen zombies and swinging them out to bowl over a cluster of the undead. "I'm tired of fighting sardines, and the Generals are just _trout_ in comparison! That zipper bastard was decent, but not _nearly_ enough to give me a proper challenge, and besides, that was a month ago!"

"Is this really the time? Weapons Left!" Franky snapped, explosives scorching another pack of zombies to well done.

For a moment, Boss didn't respond as he decapitated the walking dead. "Sorry," he eventually replied with a sigh. "Not the time, I know, I'm just a bit… _frustrated_ is all. I feel like a hamster on a wheel. It doesn't matter how hard I try, I just don't _get_ anywhere."

Franky paused for a second before returning to his bashing with a sigh. "Yeah, well, unless something changes fast we're stuck on wheel with- _GAH!"_ The cyborg was cut off by a zombie popping out of the soil and clamping onto his leg. "Agh, dammit, get off!" he shouted, comically hopping on one foot as he tried to dislodge the stubborn corpse's death grip.

Boss, sighing explosively, moved in front of Franky to cover him. He only had time to get off one Typhoon Lash before an entirely _separate_ vacuum wave flew by and decapitated several fores, followed swiftly by four bodies landing in front of him.

"Let's try this again!" Leo declared, pointing a saber skyward. "HELP! HAS ARRIVED!"

Boss blinked in surprise at the development before swiftly scanning over his students. He took in Leo's borrowed blades, his battered face, and bruised neck. He took in Mikey's own bruises, mixed with shiny burns. He took in the crudely bandaged, bleeding wound in Raphey's side, and her sai, dented to hell and back. And finally, he took in Donny, his flippers bleeding, his face one big bruise, and his staff nowhere in sight. Not to mention how all four's tails were quivering with sore, exhausted muscles.

Once he was finished taking stock, Boss stood to attention and puffed his chest out firmly. "Boys!" he called out, feeling a twinge of gratification at just how fast the apprentice martial artists snapped to attention. "You all look like shit. Go get patched up by Merry before you all keel over! Especially you, _Raphaela_. Don't think I don't notice that _sucking wound_ in your side."

" _Rip Tide!"_ all four dugongs yelped, blurring out of existence.

"Ahhh," Boss sighed, allowing himself to sag in relief. "Exerting control over the younger generation, is there no better stress relief?" He then perked up with newfound energy. "Welp—!"

Before he could return to the fight, though, a commotion from the distant mansion caught his attention. He glanced over, and his jaw hit the dirt and his eyes tried to throw themselves out of his head.

And from the way all sounds of combat had just _ceased_ , he wasn't the only one.

 **-o-**

"No. 4 on the list of things I've always wanted to say!" I proclaimed as I stood atop my mount's skull, arms crossed defiantly. "The cavalry has arrived!"

It was _immensely_ gratifying to me to see the entire legion of the dead, the unfeeling immortal army that my crewmates had been fighting, freeze with more horror than they inflicted when they caught sight of me. Or, far more likely, they froze on account of my rather _atypical_ mount. Of course, my crewmates' identical reactions were equally gratifying, and far more amusing.

Anyway, I _could_ have urged my mount forward and mowed the enemy down then and there, but hell, where would have been the fun in that? As such, I took the better option.

"ZOMBIES OF THRILLER BARK!" I announced, flinging my arms out wide.

Which is to say, I grandstanded like a _champ._

"Allow me to take this opportunity to clear up two misconceptions that you might have! Misconception the first!" I held up a finger for all to see. "You all might think that I am currently riding atop an undead cybernetic Tyrannosaurus Rex! This is categorically false!"

I widened my grin as I raised one of my feet from the skull of the long-dead titan lizard I was riding. "The truth is that I am riding atop an undead cybernetic Tyrannosaurus Rex…"

I _rammed_ my heel into the small of my mount's skull.

" _ **SKREEEEEOOOOOOONK!"**_

And it promptly reared back and let loose both an _iconic_ roar straight out of Spielberg's films - _and_ a flesh-searingly intense gout of flames.

" _That breathes fire!"_ I cackled malevolently, Soundbite joining me in howling like the suicidally crazy morons that we were.

Honestly, there really was _no_ other course of action after fusing Hogback's cutting edge technology, Chopper's explosives, the necrotized tissue that had clearly been harvested from Little Garden, and a few million volts. Really, now. If not like that, then how the actual _fuck_ were we supposed to react when we were charging into battle on the back of a zombified _, cyborg,_ _Tyrannosaurus Rex,_ the likes of which would make Harry Dresden eat his heart out - _that also breathed fire?!_

I have to say, I was _very_ proud of just how brightly Luffy's eyes were lit.

But still, before I could properly assault the enemy with our gamechanger, I really _did_ need to set the mood.

"Misconception the second!" I bellowed out with Soundbite's aid, regathering the zombie's attention to my second raised finger. "Some of you might be optimistic in light of the fact that you are mostly beyond the bounds of mortality! I intend to correct you all from this grievous error in judgement by asking that you consider this one simple question!"

I ground my heel into my ride's skull, prompting it to lower its head and _glare_ at the zombies as it rumbled out a growl, both its organic yellow and mechanical red eyes glowing with pure malice as oil and saliva dripped from its fangs.

"Just how 'deathless'," I leered tauntingly. "Do you _really_ think you are?"

Slowly, _ever_ so slowly, the zombies looked away from the monstrosity before them, and at each other. Two seconds, they exchanged looks. And one second later, they promptly fled for the nearest nonexistent haven.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," I smirked victoriously before raising my fingers and letting loose a _resonating_ SNAP! "CHARGE!"

" _ **SKREEEEEOOOOOOONK!"**_

And so, as I rode my _undead fire-breathing cyborg T-Rex_ into battle against a _zombie hoard,_ I did the one thing I could do.

...honestly, do I even _need_ to spell it out at this point?

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"/ "HAHAHA _ **heeheehee**_ **HOOHOOHOO** _ **HAAAA!"**_

Didn't think so.

 **-o-**

Vivi gaped at the scene through a gap in Nami's Eisen cloud.

Cross. Riding a T-rex. A zombie cyborg T-rex. That breathed _fire._

Honestly, the fact that Conis, Usopp, Robin, and Chopper were using their own specific methods to take down zombies from behind the heels of said T-rex barely even registered.

It was a miracle that anything could have caught the princess' attention at that time, but something most certainly did: a clinking sound caught her, that of glass against stone. Unimportant in the grand scheme of things, but it was there. Curiosity piqued, Vivi glanced down to see a glass bottle rolling her way, some sort of liquid sloshing back and forth in it. Leaning down, she picked it up, popped off the cap, and gave it a sniff. The scent of organ-killing grades of alcohol assaulted her nostrils, and before she knew it Vivi was the bottle to knock a drink back.

Only for a set of deceptively strong fingers to deftly pluck the bottle away.

"You are _not_ developing a habit," Nami flatly stated as she scrutinized the booze.

Spluttering for words, Vivi finally just swung her hands towards Cross' rampage. "He is riding a zombie cyborg T-rex!" she protested weakly.

"That breathes fire."

"CRAM IT, ZORO!" Vivi spared a second to snarl.

Lola snorted as she took advantage of the lull in the zombie's decorum to rendezvous with her allies. "Fair warning, Princess: If something like that bothers you now, you're going to rot your liver out by the time we reach the New World."

"But—!"

"Uh, Vivi?" Carue cut in with a raised wing. "Cwoss is fighting a zombie apocawypse while widing a fiyah-bweathing undead cybowg T-Wex. Ahnd winning. I think yoah awgument is invawid."

Vivi's rant froze in her throat, and after several seconds trying to force it out she slumped over in despondent defeat. "Yeah, alright…" she sobbed.

As the zombies around them fell into desperate panic, Nami was directing her Eisen Tempo to conjure up a credible impression of a porcupine. Except instead of quills, she was bristling with flesh-vaporizing lightning. So... not really like a porcupine at all.

In any case, the sound slowly shook Vivi out of her self-pity, and she glanced up just in time to catch sight of _Nami_ taking a deep draught from the bottle.

"Hey!" Vivi snapped, pinning her ranking officer with a glare. "What the hell happened to not developing a tolerance?!"

"I already have a habit _and_ a tolerance, so I'm good," Nami replied with a catty grin, taking another swig without a hint of remorse.

"The hell you-!" Vivi started to protest, before turning contemplative as a thought struck her. "Actually, how high _is_ your tolerance, anyway?"

The navigator graced the Princess with a smug look. "I could down a hundred of these things and not feel a thing."

The princess' lips promptly pursed, her finger wavering for a moment longer before slowly retracting. "Okay, yeah, you're probably in the clear…" She then glanced around at the sheer anarchy raging around them. "So… what do we do now?"

"Eh..." Nami waved her hand side to side. "Not to beat an undead horse but... seriously, cyborg zombie dinosaur. Honestly, at this point, with the way they're going?" She held up a trio of fingers. "I give these dead-heads half an hour, at most."

 **-o-**

In truth, it took us _ten_ minutes to mop things up. Ten minutes of uninterrupted, unmitigated, and utterly _undaunted_ carnage the likes of which I doubt Paradise has ever seen before in all its many years of piracy. But, unbelievable or not, it was simply fact: In ten minutes' time… Thriller Bark fell silent.

Victory was… honestly a bit disturbing, I will freely admit. I mean, it was one thing to wade through a bunch of KO and groaning enemies, but this... well, this time I was literally walking _on top of_ _a sea of_ _bodies._ Between the smell, the footing, my own mind ranting at me that I was walking on what had once been, for the most part, _people,_ and the various watchers wandering around and stabbing corpses at random, occasionally freeing the shadows of zombies we'd missed… yeah, never had a Straw Hat victory tasted so gruesome.

The ever-present gloom and doom of the Florian's fog wasn't doing us any favors, either, but honestly that was _kind of_ a positive seeing as we didn't _need_ it anymore. At least that was one aspect of the celebration we weren't missing out on: the sheer _joy_ of victory. The Rolling Pirates were all celebrating, cheering and dancing ecstatically at the retrieval of their umbral counterparts, and the prospect that they once again had the freedom to live in the sun.

I decided to try securing such joy for myself as I moved over to where the rest of the crew was gathered. Soundbite on my shoulder, Lassoo on my back, and the other twenty all gathered in an area reasonably devoid of corpses, with Chopper fussing over everyone.

"Well, Cross… this may have been rough, but if we're comparing this to Enies Lobby, I think you should try flipping the script more often," Nami muttered, slowly flexing her stiff shoulder.

"Yeah!" Luffy nodded eagerly, the motion and exuberant mood making for a weird image when combined with the hockey mask he was _still_ wearing and the chainsaw that was _still_ affixed to the end of his pipe. "This was _really_ fun, Cross! Especially the dinosaur! I get to ride it next!"

"Heh, you look pretty cool too, Luffy!" I grinned at him. "And don't worry," I jerked my head back at where my mount was rooting through the battlefield, looking for anything it could consider to be fresh. "That thing's _not_ shadow-powered, so you'll have ample time to ride it!"

Luffy perked up eagerly—

"We are _not_ taking it with us," Nami blithely ordered.

Aaaand deflated just as fast. "Awww…"

"I still can't believe that there's even the _possibility_ of it coming aboard…" Vivi groaned, dragging a hand down her face.

"Neither can I, and I actually _built_ it!" Chopper agreed.

"Well, even if it's staying here, I know one thing for sure..." Mikey nodded solemnly... before shooting his flipper up with a grin. "I call next ride after Luffy!"

"Wha—!? Hey, no fair, I wanna go next!"

"No, me, me!"

"No way, _I'm-!"_

" _FWEET!"_

"GAH!" Everyone flinched when a sharp whistle suddenly pierced the air, and we all traced it back to its impatient and... _diminutive_ source.

"Sorry to kill the mood, but I just gotta know before we _really_ get into the swing of things," Merry groused as she fingered her crunched nose. "Is there anything else on this island that you forgot about in the briefing, Cross? Anything we gotta handle"

"Eh…" I scratched my chin thoughtfully as I cast a glance about the battlefield. "I… don't think so? But I could be wrong seeing as this has been hectic as hell to keep up with, so let's do a quick rundown. Trapped shadows, including those of the Rolling Pirates and our new musician?"

"Restored," Brook confirmed with a tip of his hat.

"And whatever ones aren't will be soon," Boss added, gesturing back at the corpse-stabbing Rolling Pirates.

" _AIN'T A LOT LEFT,_ _ **and those that are still on the island**_ **WON'T ESCAPE ME FOR LONG,"** Soundbite vowed.

"Alright... Certainty of Oars never moving again, shadow or not?"

" _It would take more work than Hogback will ever do on a corpse again,"_ Chopper said vindictively before thoughtfully (and _normally)_ tapping his chin in thought. "Not to mention more calcium than I think he could get in a lifetime."

"Absalom?"

"If he's in any state to fight again before we leave this island, I'll eat my Lion Cutters," Vivi said, before wincing and scratching her gut. "One punch from Luffy would have finished him off when Nami, Merry, Carue, and I had done our best. And when Sanji took over… well." She left it at that.

"Perona?"

"Worst case scenario, she'll wake up in a couple of hours; I'll go reinforce the sedative on her once I finish treating the Rolling Pirates," Chopper assured.

"Sounds good. And all that that leaves is—"

" _ **MASSIVE, MASSIVE TROUBLE!"**_ Soundbite suddenly screamed, all of us jumping and all of the Rolling Pirates looking around in shock.

"What are you—?" I began.

"What… is this."

And with that, my words died in my throat.

Slowly, fearfully, I turned on my heel and beheld a most terrifying sight.

Paler than his already ghost-white norm, twitching and hyperventilating from sheer rage, and sporting a particularly incensed look in his eye, Warlord of the Seas Gecko Moria stood at the foot of his manor, taking in the absolute _annihilation_ of the army he'd been pinning his hopes and dreams on for the past decade.

"Straw… Hats..." he breathed, veins pulsing in his forehead and grotesquely thick neck. "You... _You... You..._ "

All around me, I saw my crew and our allies dive for weapons, prepare their attacks. I also knew that they wouldn't be anywhere _near_ ready in time.

" _You_ …" Moriah snarled, more and more veins springing to life on his form, encroaching even into his eyes as his entire being shaking. " _You... YOU... YOU... YOOOOU—!"_

And then, suddenly, Moriah _twitched_ and fell silent.

It was truly a spontaneous thing: one moment Moriah was building into a rant, obviously gearing up to go Blugori-shit on us, the next his entire being just seemed to jerk and he… stopped. His face was still the same, his expression the same, but he was just… frozen.

Then, ever so slowly, he bowed his head, placing his face in his hands, and starting to shake. Slowly at first, but stronger and stronger, until his whole body was vibrating in place.

And then…

"— _hishishishisihi…shishishishi…"_

It started. It was... light, at the beginning. Just barely there, just within our range of hearing. I had my _suspicions_ about what it was we were hearing, though I really, _really_ wished I was wrong. But I was _forced_ to acknowledge the truth when Moriah suddenly flung his head back and _howled_ with laughter.

" _KISHISHISHISHISHI! KIIIIIISHISHISHISHISHISHIIIIII!"_

Because truly, that was what it was: a _howl_ of laughter. Gale after gale of _terrifyingly_ deranged cackling flew forth from the unhinged warlord, and deeper and deeper did it drive a dagger of fear into my heart.

But none among us was more terrified than Soundbite, who legitimately turned a pasty _white_ on my shoulder.

" _No…"_ he croaked, horror and terror inundating every syllable as he shivered in place. " _Nononono,_ _ **this can't be happening, CAN'T BE HAPPENING…"**_

"What is it, Soundbite?" I hissed out of the corner of my mouth, unwilling to take my eyes off Moriah for even _half_ a second.

My snail swallowed hard, barely capable of getting the words out. " **HE FIGURED IT OUT…"**

And just like that, I couldn't move. Part of that was from every drop of blood in my veins suddenly transfiguring into liquid nitrogen.

" _CROSS!"_

But I'm _pretty_ sure the rest was from the jagged thorny _vine_ of a shadow that had burst forth from a gap between corpses and ripped through my side before I knew what was happening.

There... wasn't any pain to it really. Just, one second the vine wasn't there, the next it _was._ I _tried_ to grab at it, but I was a bit distracted by the mouthful of blood I suddenly coughed up. That was... inconvenient, because it made it difficult to speak.

And... And I _had_ to speak, I know I had to because, I needed to tell my friends something important. I needed to tell them to... they had to...

"Run..." I gurgled.

But too late.

Too late because the next second, Gecko Moriah snapped his head down so that he was staring at us all with eyes full of malevolent, absolutely _soulless_ rapture.

" **Niflheim,"** he whispered.

That word caused the suddenly too-dark shadows to _erupt_ with motion.

That word set in motion the ultimate nightmare of Thriller Bark.

 **Patient AN: Mm-hmm. That just happened. Moria was a New World veteran capable of matching the apparently invulnerable Kaido before he got lazy. And he just got the power boost he needs to be that threatening again. Will it be too much for the Straw Hats to handle?**

…

…

…

 **Put it this way: this is our cruelest cliffhanger yet. But the one at the end of the next chapter is going to be even** _ **worse.**_


	57. Crossing the Rainbow Mist

**Crossing the Rainbow Mist**

 **Cross-Brain AN: The following tale takes place after the Ice Hunter arc but before Thriller Bark.**

I'll always remember this particular day. No matter how crazy things got, how close we came to dying, how much I got hurt, how much my actions affected things… quite simply, _nothing_ this half of the Red Line could be more memorable than this day.

As per usual with the most extraordinary of our adventures, the day started off unusual, but not too remarkable: I woke up earlier than I normally did, early enough that only the earliest of early birds were awake. Even Soundbite was still asleep. I had taken the opportunity to slip down to the kitchen and fix myself a hot cup of cocoa, and then moved to the roof of my radio room to watch the sunrise.

Everything seemed to be perfectly calm, and one of the better mornings I'd had so far. A comfortable perch on the roof, a nice mug of cocoa, a perfect, beautiful view of the sun rising on the morning mists, painting it every color of the—!

 _PFFFFT!_

"FRACK!" I howled in horror the moment I'd finished spewing my drink, dropping inside my room and running to my desk.

" _Mmm, wha…?"_ Soundbite's eyestalks blearily poked out of his shell as I wrenched the master-board open. " **Wha's goin—?!"** His question was stifled as I wrenched my transceiver out of its slot and triggered every pipe on the ship. " _ **SONNUVA—!"**_

 _ **BWAAAAAAAAAH!**_

Whatever my snail was about to say, it was cut off by my blaring my foghorn throughout every square _inch_ of the Thousand Sunny - which, going by the sudden roaring of Sunny's framework, not even _he_ appreciated.

Soundbite remained in post-flinch tension a few seconds longer before cracking his eye open and letting his eyestalks sag in relief. " _Oooooh thank Goda_ **it worked.** _ **It's official:**_ **I LOVE MY AWAKENED ABILITIES!"**

" _WE DON'T GIVE A DAMN!"_ the crew roared right back.

" _Did I miss the memo? Is it my birthday?"_ came Usopp's grouchy voice. " _Because if it is,_ I don't find this very damn funny!"

" _Ooooh, I don't know,"_ Merry snarled. " _Personally, I think I'm gonna be_ howling _with laughter once I start_ bouncing our third mate's head OFF THE—!"

"CRAM IT, THE FUCKING LOT OF YOU! WE'VE GOT BIGGER FUCKING PROBLEMS THAN YOUR FUCKING BEAUTY SLEEP!"

A stunned silence fell over the ship, which I filled with my desperate panting and wheezing.

" _Cross, what's wrong?"_ Nami asked, both concern and urgency tinging her voice.

Pulling my thoughts together, I swallowed my panic and mustered up what little wits I had left. "Bogey off the port bow," I grit out.

" _Alright, let's see what's… eh?"_ Boss' voice trailed off into confusion. " _The heck?_ _Cross, what's wrong with a little morning mist? Heck, I'd say the colors are beautiful… aheh, ya know, in a manly way."_

" _Wait… oh, God, y-you don't mean…_ the Rainbow Mist?!" Vivi choked in horror, suddenly sounding _very_ awake.

"The one and only," I confirmed "And for those of you who don't know it, lemme give the cliff's notes: what's coming down on us is an eldritch temporal _clusterfuck,_ and if we sail into that thing we're liable to wind up on the wrong side of either the last century _or the next one._ In short…" I drew a deep breath before bellowing at the top of my lungs, "ALL HANDS ON DECK! _NOW, DAMN IT, NOW!"_

When the sounds of rapid movement came across the connection, I knew that I didn't need to say more. Stashing the transceiver in its bag and putting it and Soundbite over and on my shoulders respectively, I left my room and rode down to the deck, where everyone was rushing into place, Merry even going so far as to hitch a ride on Carue to get to the helm as fast as possible and Nami looking at the sky and muttering to herself. As the last of our crew filed onto the deck, Nami's… surprisingly calm shout rang out.

"There's an island off the port bow, Merry. Turn the ship ninety degrees south and head for land."

"Aye-aye, turning the ship ninety degrees south and heading for land! Aiming for the cove in the shoreline!" Merry parroted, and Sunny rumbled in agreement as he shifted about. Nami took the opportunity to give me a flat look.

"Cross, were you really in too much of a panic to see that there was an island right there? You could have handled steering Sunny yourself, couldn't you?"

I winced a bit at the reprimand, but I was just as quick to bounce back with a scowl and a jab of my thumb towards the encroaching fog, which I didn't even have to _look at_ to know what it was doing. "Yes, but I'm not sure I could have handled being _chased."_

" _What!?"_ Nami barked, darting over to the railing and leaning over the edge.

I followed her at a more sedate pace, and grimaced as I watched the Mist hang on tight to our ship's tail. "I'm not just worried about this thing because of the time-space fuckery it's got going on, Nami," I solemnly informed her. "I'm worried I'm almost convinced that that thing is _alive_ , on some level _._ This isn't a Paradise menace; this is something that's clawed its way clean across the Red Line."

Nami swallowed fearfully, casting a doubtful glance at the sandbanks of the island's cove as we sailed past them. "B-But… if that thing's alive and chasing us, then how the hell are we supposed to escape it!?"

I grinned as Merry drew in Sunny's sails. "By taking advantage of one of the few ironclad rules of the Grand Line. What happens at sea…"

My grin widened as the Rainbow Mist drifted to a lazy halt at the cove's borderline, curling and swirling maddeningly but advancing no further.

" _Stays_ at sea," I nodded in confirmation. "The Rainbow Mist is a purely _maritime_ menace that preys upon vessels at large, and it can even come into port, but it _does not_ make landfall." I shot a victorious smirk at Nami. "Good thing the crew had enough forewarning to get us to safety in time, huh?"

" _RESPECT!"_ Soundbite barked.

Nami sighed in defeat, casting a wary glance at the hostile case of crypto-meteorology that was lurking behind us. "Fine, your excuse of it being an emergency stands for using that stupid horn to wake us all up. So!" She clapped her hands together, drawing attention from the whole crew to me. "Any idea how long we'll have to wait here before that damn stuff shoves off?"

"Yeah!" Mikey piped up in agreement. "We had a Sea King hunt planned for noon!"

"I wanna bust some scale-skulls!" Raphey nodded alongside him.

"Eh…" I frowned as I tried to recall an arc I hadn't been a big fan of in the first place. "From what I remember… well, as I said: on some level, the Mist is alive. Chances are it'll only shove off when it's good and ready to. One time it was only in an island's port for about an hour, but… anywhere from an hour to a day."

"Awww!" Luffy groaned, leaning his head back. "C'mooon! That fog stuff's pretty and all, but I wanna get back to sailing! Can't we just go through it? What's the big deal?"

"You did hear the words ' _eldritch temporal clusterfuck',_ right!?" Usopp demanded incredulously.

"Er… well, besides the fact that I doubt Luffy knows what those first two words mean—" Conis interjected.

"I don't!" Luffy cheerfully confirmed.

"—I'm a bit curious myself of what the danger is," our gunner continued with a helpless shrug. "I mean… getting lost in time? How does that work?"

"I'm not clear on the mechanics of that place myself," Robin answered, her head bowed and her chin in her hand. "But I do know some of the lore of the Mist, thanks to the existence of a series of books concerning it. According to the books, the Rainbow Mist is meant to act as a gateway of some sorts, transporting to a mythical 'Land of the Gods' known only as Ape's Concert."

"'Land of the Gods'," Su repeated in equal parts eagerness and fear.

"'Land of the Gods'!" Merry giggled ecstatically, all but vibrating in place.

"'Land of the Gods'?" Franky asked doubtfully.

"Land of the Goooods!" Luffy squeed, a massive grin stretching across his face.

"'Davy Jones' Locker', more like," I snorted grimly. "Don't get your hopes up, people: Ape's Concert is nothing more than a dimensionally lost roach motel of a ship's graveyard. That place is a complete and utter—!"

" _GOLD MIIIINE!"_

" **Sonnuvabitch!"** /"GAH!" Soundbite and I both yelped when Nami suddenly _squealed_ at earshattering levels and sprouted a _very_ luminous pair of beri-eyes.

"Countless derelict ships from all across time, gathered in one spot, _with their cargos intact!"_ Nami cackled ecstatically, a not-insubstantial line of drool escaping the corner of her lip as she gazed upon the Mist. "Sooooo much gold! Jewels! Pure _treasuuure!_ I-I-It must be in the millions! The hundreds of millions! _The billi—"_

" **Snap out of it!"**

 _SLAP!_ "YEOW!" Nami flinched as her own palm slammed into her cheek before shooting a grateful look at our resident princess. "Thanks for that."

"Ooooh, don't thank me yet, because I'm not done saving us from your greed yet!" Vivi huffed, grasping our navigator's shoulders and staring her dead in the eyes. "Nami, I actually _met_ the author of the Rainbow Mist books, and he told me about his experiences in that place! The reason why you don't hear more about the 'Land of the Gods' is that it's a _trap!_ Anyone who enters the place becomes unable to leave it because of space itself keeping them from exiting! Time loses all meaning, because people within the Mist neither age nor grow hungry! The timeless years drive people mad, and they either escape through sheer luck like the author, or they _kill themselves!_ Trust me, Nami, when I say that there is _no reliable way_ to emerge from Ape's Concert in one piece!"

I bit the inside of my cheek at that. My reaction was on account of the image of a certain tower all but harpooning the Mist coming to mind, but there was no way in hell I was gonna tell—!

"Cross just flinched," Su blithely stated as she examined her paw.

"YOU FURRY LITTLE BI—!" I _tried_ to jump at the fleabag so that I could wring her neck…

"Cross."

"—GAH!"

Buuuut that dream was put on hold by my leg getting snatched out of midair, and our resident witch using an iron cloud hand to plant me in front of her, a neutral expression on her face.

"Given how much treasure is at stake here, I'll make this easy for you: tell us what you know, and I'll stop compounding the interest on your debt."

"I—w-wait, what was that?" I choked as I processed what she had said.

"I'm not going to decrease it, but I'll stop increasing it from now on if you tell us how we can get in, get the treasure, and get out safely," she repeated.

The crew all looked surprised to varying degrees, but I hardly noticed as I considered it. If there was a cap on the debt, then I actually had a chance of paying it off before I started to sport liver spots. Still… was that worth the risk of whatever could be waiting for us in that fog?

"Just for the record, here's where you currently stand," Nami added, handing me a piece of paper. I took one look at the bottom line before crushing the page in my hands.

"RIGHT! LET'S RAID US A TEMPORAL HELLMOUTH!" I barked, spinning to look at Merry. "We need an anchor to the outside to get back. In the story, a villain used a huge tower to bridge our world with Ape's Concert. But seeing how close the Mist is to the shore, we can probably pull it off with Sunny's anchor chain."

"Wonderful!" Nami said sweetly, turning towards the fox. "Su, you'll get a full percent of whatever we find in there."

"Yes!" Su pumped her paw triumphantly.

"I should've known you didn't do that out of the goodness of your heart," Conis sighed.

"Yeah… you want half of my cut?"

"As I was saying, I love you _very_ much, my darling Su!" Conis squealed as she swept her pet up in a hug.

"Hang on just a second," I piped up.

"Cross, the deal is off if you talk us out of this," Nami warned.

"That depends entirely on how much _you're_ willing to risk, Nami," I said seriously. "Even if we have a way out, the place is _still_ more warped than Kizaru's sense of justice! If we're not careful, we could wind up having brunch with our great-grand-descendants! And yes, I _know_ that none of us have kids, _that's_ the degree to which this place is whacked out of its non-existent mind!"

There was a pause.

"WORTH IT!"

I was not surprised in the least when Nami confirmed our choice. Well, if things still went crazy, they couldn't say I didn't warn them.

And so, with that final decision having been made, we started to ready ourselves to delve into the spacio-temporal abyss that was the Rainbow Mist. I could only hope that things wouldn't get _too—!_

…aaaaah _shit._ That's it, I'm doing that seminar on tempting fate, come hell, high water, or every Sea King in the Calm Belt! If only so _I don't keep getting mixed up in these situations!_

 **-o-**

Mist rose around me in every direction, thick as cotton balls. It made keeping my footing difficult; the wood was wet and slippery. Sounds were muted, when there were any to be heard at all. The impaired visibility didn't help things either. Claws dug into my shoulders; Ruatha was _not_ pleased that I kept skidding and sliding across the wrecks. I flicked him on the snout.

"You could always get down and walk by yourself, you know."

"Roh." The claws loosened, although they were replaced by a tail tightening around my arm. I sighed. The dragonet seemed determined to inflict bodily injury upon me; had ever since we'd come to this eerie place.

"Or better yet, you could've stayed on the ship. I don't need your help for this; Ghin would've been more useful, or even Johnny or Yosaku. I mean, what can you do if I fall in? Whine at me?"

"Vii!" My questions were answered by a wing-slap to the face and a pair of sad blue eyes. I spat out a mouthful of scales- Ruatha must be molting or something, because he'd been shedding worse than a longhaired cat heading into summer lately.

Actually, in hindsight, a Devil Fruit user going out alone into what appeared to be a mess of shipwrecks was probably a bad idea. But the mist had risen up so quickly, too thick for Nami to find a way through the oceanic graveyard… We needed boots on the ground. Or water, as it were. So half the crew had split up and was wandering around in search of a path through the derelict hulks, while the other half stayed with _Merry_. We'd rolled my dice to see who was in which group; this resulted in possibly the worst available combination, as Luffy, Zoro, and I were all on the away team. But Luffy took off before Nami could demand that we reroll, or even that the explorers be in pairs- which meant that Zoro was now lost and we had two fruit users with no one to rescue us if we fell.

Not that I was going to fall in, bad footing or no.

With Ruatha now pouting and silent, the sound of my footsteps was the only thing to be heard, the hollow thudding of sneakers on wood. And even that was muffled. There was something… _off_ about these mists; the deadened sound was only part of it. Then my hand met my forehead as I remembered- eerie mist, collection of shipwrecks… Ape's Concert. _Tabarnak_. Great, just great. Not only did we have to find a physical path through the wrecks, we had to figure out how to get back to our own _time_ as well. How were we supposed to do that without a DeLorean?

Plus, weren't we supposed to encounter the Mists _after_ Alabasta, if at all? I groaned and turned my middle finger in the direction of the Fourth Wall. Damn writers and their meddl-!

More footsteps, not mine- I wasn't alone. Heavy and metallic, like someone wearing armour. And they were moving fast. What at first looked like yet another broken figurehead approached through the mist, resolving itself into a young man in dark clothes, much taller than me. I caught a glimpse of blond hair as he raced past. Blinking slowly, I followed him with my gaze until he disappeared into an open door on one of the other wrecks. Huh. Wonder where he was going in such a hurry.

Well, to each his own. I shrugged and got back to figuring out where I was and how to get back to the _Merry_. Or at least, I tried. Not thirty seconds after Blondie scrambled out of sight, there was a tremendous crashing, splintering noise from the same direction he'd come from. It was followed by a great sucking splash. A shadow fell over the wreck I was standing on.

A wall of silver-blue scales rose above me, a massive body tipped in an angular head. Teeth the size of swords dripped salt water as dark eyes scanned the shipwrecks. Barracuda sea king. _Merde_. My stomach decided to vacate my body via my knees- right at the same moment the sea king saw me. And decided to go all _Finding Nemo_ prologue on my ass.

"Osti d'épais de marde!" I jumped out of the way as that huge head crashed down where I'd been standing. Getting far enough away used most of the charge I had left from sparring with Ghin last night- not that I could hope to fight something like this alone regardless. Okay, maybe Blondie had the right idea.

"Hold on, Ruatha! We're using the Sir Robin maneuver."

"Scra?"

As much as I hated running from a fight, it was the only thing to do. This wasn't a _real_ fight anyway; I was _prey_ , not a combatant. I spun on the ball of my foot and took off in the same direction as Blondie had gone. Hopefully there would be somewhere over there to hide, or a cannon or something. And until I found something like that, discretion was—in this case—the better part of valour.

I didn't expect to see Blondie again; with his longer legs and head start, he should've been well ahead of me, even in the unlikely event that I _did_ end up going in the exact same direction. So you can imagine my surprise when I found him paused on the deck of half a barge. And he must've heard me coming, since he was facing me when I skidded to a stop.

"Nice weather we're having, ain't it? Neverending fog, just gotta _love it."_

I stared at Blondie, trying to figure out if he was serious. And my crewmates thought _I_ was insane. At least I acknowledged the presence of danger, even if I did end up thumbing my nose at it and jumping in anyway most of the time. "Um… Hello? Earth to tall person? Is the thin air up there shorting out your brain? What in the Nine Hells is a bloody barracuda sea king doing in this part of the Grand Line?"

Blondie's expression mirrored Luffy's 'Are you an idiot?' look with _astounding_ precision. "Hello right back, this is the _Grand Line,_ lady. You know, the stretch of ocean sandwiched between their breeding grounds and packed to the gills with their favorite snack? You can skip a stone and nine times out of ten you'll hit one of them!"

" **The tenth just means** _ **you missed them!"**_ the snail on his shoulder cackled.

Wait… his snail was… talking? Well, yes, it was a Den-Den Mushi and they were supposed to talk, but that weird voice mashup sure didn't sound like any call _I'd_ ever heard. I stared at the mollusk. Well, there was only one logical explanation for that. I almost winced at the realization that I now automatically put those supreme avatars of BS in the category of _logical explanation._ Almost. "…I'm guessing the inverte ate a Devil Fruit?"

Both snail and Blondie rolled their eyes. "Finally! Somebody gets it!" Was it just me, or was Blondie somehow expressing both relief and exasperation at the same time?

Well, that aside… "Alright, back to the original question, and let me rephrase it. What's a Sea King doing in this part of the Grand Line _chasing you?!"_

Blondie pointed at his snail, which tilted its eyestalks in his direction. " _It's his fault!"_ They then glared at one another. " _My fault!? Are you nuts?!"_

" **YOU JUMPED ON** _ **ITS HEAD!"**_

"That was an honest mistake, I thought it was a rock! _You're_ the shitstain that chose to comment on its _body odor_ when it glared at us!"

" **It's a fish,** _ **it's smells fishy!**_ _THAT'S JUST A FACT!"_

"But you don't say that to its face!"

"WHAT THE HELL'S WITH _the double-standard here!?_ **I've taunted these bastards A THOUSAND TIMES IN THE PAST** _ **and you've never complained before!"**_

"Those times we were near someone who could kill it dead in a single hit, or at the _least_ we had our partners nearby, you slimy bastard! Learn some timing!"

" _ **THIS FROM YOU!?**_ _THAT'S FUCKING_ RICH, ASSHOLE!"

This bickering… And a talking snail… This seemed familiar. But I could worry about that later. I used the absolute last of the force I had charged up in a stomp that shook the floor. "Guys, focus! Giant man-eating fish monster trying to eat us; blame later, solution now."

Great, now the tall guy _and_ the snail were looking at me like I was an idiot. "Excuse you, this is a coping mechanism!"

" _Yeah! Snark takes the edge off_ _ **THE IMPENDING DOOM!**_ **Helps us function better under pressure!"**

"Observe!" Blondie beamed victoriously as he pointed to the side at a… derelict Marine galleon!? "White-hat warship at 3-o-clock! Those things were built to last, so it's better footing than these wrecks! See, progress!"

" **NOW STOP DISTRACTING US** _ **AND FREAKING RUN FASTER!"**_

Normally I wouldn't have taken orders from a snail, but this one had a point. And a galleon… Very stable and relatively lightly armed, usually with demi-culverins and demi-cannon. I doubted an eight-pound demi-culverin shot would do much to the monster following us, but a demi-cannon shot thirty-two pounds; that should do the trick. I scrambled after Blondie and his mouthy passenger. Ruatha's claws dug into my shoulders as I vaulted and climbed. Still…

A tilted mast from another ship made a decent way up, though the angle made it more of a ladder than a bridge. It still beat trying to clamber up the side of the ship by hand with our hanger-on chasing after us, though. Plus, it even gave us access to an open port in the galleon's gun deck, so not only did we not have to waste time finding our way through the ship's corridors, but I could _also_ spin on my heel and pin Blondie and his pet with a glare.

"Forgive me for being a little concerned, _Monsieur Escargot!"_ I growled. "From my perspective, being lost in a place like this with a sea king on my ass is a pretty serious problem. So my being unhappy that the only other people I can find are _joking_ about the impending doom is quite understandable!"

Blondie gave me a _way_ too bemused look as he dropped in alongside me before smirking condescendingly. "Your rookieness on the Grand Line is showing quite clearly."

"And look at all the fucks I give." I made a zero with one hand as I swung my head around and searched for gunpowder and ammo. "My crew may be rookies, but we can handle ourselves well enough. Better than that, even: Captain's gonna be king of the pirates someday. Now… We're gonna need eighteen pounds of black powder for every shot. I hope it's still dry enough to use."

The galleon shook; the sea king was ramming it. Every time I passed a portal or gun port, all I could see was silver-blue scales. It didn't take long to find ammunition at least, even if black powder was still in short supply. I supposed if worst came to worst, I could ask Blondie to beat me up and then use the force to smash the Sea King's face. That might work. _Might_. I had little confidence in the idea.

"Right. If we don't find any black powder soon, I need you to—!"

After I said that, things got a bit weird because we both spoke at the same time.

"Punch me in the face. The harder, the better."/"Quick, punch my palm, and fast!"

"…eh? Your _face?_ What are you—? Bah, not questioning it, I'm sure you have your reasons, but look, rookie, this is no ordinary gauntlet: I've got a special shell in it known as—!"

"An Impact Dial? Yeah, I know what those do; I basically _am_ an Impact Dial. Among other things." Yep, Blondie was _definitely_ familiar. Where had I heard about a guy with a snail partner and an Impact Dial in his gauntlet? Eh, worry about that later.

There were a few barrels of powder wedged in a corner behind one of the demi-culverins. I yanked one open, but it was wet; practically mud, in fact. Stupid mist… How long had this stuff been here? Opening the other barrels yielded similar results. Merde…

I stared up at Blondie, trying to get a sense of him as a fighter. Tall, kinda skinny… Not a STR build. Probably INT/CHA from the way he acted. Ladies and gentleman, we have a bard. Still, shouldn't judge based on appearances alone. Luffy was even smaller, after all. "So… It comes down to a question of who can punch harder. What kinda training you got?"

Blondie gave me _another_ flat look—which I was really starting to want to slap off his face—before holding his palm up. "Would I be using this thing if I could hit harder than it could? Hurry the hell up and hit me!"

" **COME ON AND SLAM!"** His snail crowed, before flinching fearfully as the ship was suddenly rammed head on by our pursuant. " _ **BEFORE WE ALL GET JAMMED!"**_

I rolled my eyes. "As you wish." Deep breath. Ten punches, hard and fast; kiai on ten. "TAI!" Follow up with a snap kick, turn forty-five degrees for a round kick, then finish with a spinning back kick. I landed back in fighting stance.

"Think that'll be enough? Or should I keep going?" The ship rocked to punctuate my words. Teeth like swords ripped the cover off a nearby gunport.

Blondie shot a fearful glance at the teeth, waved his arm out, and nodded firmly. "Compounded with what I'd taken the time to accumulate since the last time I discharged, I'd say so. Though, ah…" I did _not_ like the way cold sweat started forming on the jackass's brow. "I just realized a flaw with this plan that would have come up no matter _who_ had the energy."

"Flaw…?" How could there be a flaw in the plan- punch each other, smash thing in face, very straightforward. "What kind of flaw? All you need to do is blast that thing in its fugly mug!"

"Yeeeaaah…" Blondie nodded slowly.

 _WHAM!_

Before flinching and scowling as we were rammed again. "And either you or I am supposed to get close enough to _touch_ that ugly face without getting up close and personal with those fangs, _how,_ exactly!?"

I felt the blood drain from my face. "That's… a very good point," I gurgled. "Suggestions before we both get up close and personal with Uncle Davy instead?"

"Uh…" Blondie's eyes scanned over the room desperately, uncertainty obvious as he came up with nothing, nothing, nothi—oh, now _that_ wasn't a look you got when you had nothing.

 _KEE-RACK!_

To reiterate, I _seriously_ hope he didn't have nothing!

"What?" I demanded. "Whatever the hell idea you just got, I don't care how dumb it is! _What are you thinking?"_

Blondie spared me a hesitant glance before nodding with determination and darting across the deck, where he started clawing at the top of an overturned crate. "I'm gonna answer your question with two of my own," he grunted. "Are you familiar with Garp the Hero…"

 _CLUNK!_

He grinned viciously as the crate's lid came off, and a slew of cannonballs rolled across the wood. "And do you know," he intoned menacingly. "Exactly which law of physics relates to the transfer of energy?"

It took me a second to connect the dots, but once they did? I _really_ couldn't keep my jaw from dropping because holy hell that was _smart._ "Newton's Second and you're a genius."

"Don't sound so surprised!" Blondie barked with laughter.

"Sorry. Not used to anyone else around here having high school science." Note to self, bash head on something for being an idiot. Later.

"Heh, tell me about it," Blondie started to chuckle.

 _ **KRAAAACK!**_

Before flinching as our footing shuddered from a titanic impact. "On second thought, tell me later! For now," He hefted a cannonball off the ground and tossed it to me. "Enough chatting."

" _LET'S GET SLAMMING!"_ his snail cackled.

I nodded as I caught the sphere of metal in my hand. "Agreed." I held the cannonball out and away from my shoulder, like an Italian waiter with a pizza tray. "Assume the position."

"Anything for the lovely lady," the smile-happy pirate smirked in agreement, positioning himself next to me, his palm outstretched and hovering next to the munitions. "Now, for maximum impact, the best place to hit would be the innards…"

" _Don't fire until you smell_ **the reek of its breath!"**

I froze up as I processed both parts of that. "Two things: first, call me a lady again and I'm kicking you in the face, danger or no danger," I glared at him frigidly, before turning a hesitant gaze towards our attacker. "And second, big problem with that plan is that—!"

 _ **WHAM!**_

I flinched as the wall of white cracked clean through the _actual_ wooden wall. "That thing is the _one_ Sea King in the world that's not _actually_ opening its mouth to attack! Got one more bright idea?"

"Uhhh…?" That did _not_ fill me with confidence, but before I could _actually_ start to worry?

" _ **HEY, BIG GROSS AND SLIMY!"**_

For _once_ I was semi-relieved by my comrade-in-struggle's shoulder-bound parasite opening its mouth, seeing as it _somehow_ made our assailant pause in the middle of winding up for its next run.

" _ **Your mama was a barnacle,**_ AND YOUR PAPA WAS A HALF-ROTTED _TROUT!"_

This really was a day of firsts, because it was _also_ the first time in my life I was grateful for a Sea King's veins suddenly pulsing with outrage. Although… Did Sea Kings feel rage the same way mammals did? Too bad trying to find out would get me killed. How would you find out, anyway? Was there such a thing as Sea King therapy? I'd have to ask one of the mermaids when I met them, or, well, one mermaid in particu—

"HRRAAAAAAAAAH!"

— _gotta_ learn to prioritize better.

Well, Sea Kings seemed to understand English, at any rate. Enormous jaws split open, drool running down each sword-length fang. Cable-like tendons tensed all over the aquatic titan's body as it prepared to leap—!

" _IMPACT, YOU SLIMY SON OF A—!"_

 _BLAM!_

—only it never actually got the chance _to_ leap, on account of my back-up ramming his palm into the cannonball and essentially _slapping it_ down the Sea King's gut…

 _ **KA-BLAM!**_

Where it detonated in a plume of fire and smoke. The Sea King's head snapped back; it let out a roar of surprise. Eyes the size of rowboats spun. Silver scales shining, the great beast twisted around and circled out, preparing for another ramming run. A tiny trickle of blood dripped from the corner of its mouth.

Tabarnak. If it came at us again, there was no time for either of us to charge up more force. What could we—? Time to roll an intimidate check. I snatched up another cannonball and started tossing it from hand to hand, a mad grin lighting up my face. "Sesehihihihihi! _Fooooolish_ Sea King! You are truly willing to risk our wrath a _second_ time? You shall pay dearly for your transgressions!"

"Indeed!" Going by Blondie's ear-to-ear grin and the way he was holding his palm out towards the not-so-wee beastie, he'd gotten the gist of my idea and was playing along to the hilt. "We have _dozens_ of cannonballs here with us, each ready to give you another world-class case of heartburn-from-hell. So unless you wanna learn what it's like to get fried from the inside out, I suggest that you turn your fishy tail around and swim away _right damn now."_

The great beast paused, uncertain.

" _Basically?"_ the Transponder Snail bared his teeth in the most menacing expression I'd ever seen a snail make - and then the air _rumbled._ " **RUN."**

That proved to be too much for the Sea King. It turned tail and fled, battered ships rocking in its wake. The turning of said tail also happened to whip up some lovely spray that got me full in the face. I dropped the cannonball and took off my glasses to wipe them clean, sagging back against a wall as I did so. Man, could that Sea King move _fast_.

There was a tense moment of silence as we waited to make sure the damn kaiju was actually _gone._ And then…

"Just to confirm, we were both _totally_ speaking out of our asses, yes?" Blondie breathed nervously.

"Straight from the large intestine," I agreed.

"Ah, right. Juuust checking. 'Cause honestly?"

A thud sounded beside me. When I put my glasses back on, Blondie and his snail were on the floor. While the mollusk was—for once—silent, Blondie himself seemed to be shaking with some sort of nervous laughter. Or at least, I thought it was laughter. He ran a hand through his hair as he brought himself back under control.

"Pffffhahahahaha! Oh man, that was a close one! We would've been so _screwed_!"

"Yeah…" My voice went quiet as I checked to make sure Ruatha was alright. Of course, the little guy hadn't had to _do_ anything but hold onto my shoulder, so he was having a blast. I don't know why I worried. Maybe because this was the third thing in the past week that had tried to eat us? Or maybe higher, if individual velociraptors counted rather than the pack…

Although… At least I'd been able to _fight_ them. The Sea King left me jittery, frustrated. I had half a mind to ask Blondie to spar with me, but considering that scarecrow build of his, I doubted he'd accept. Needed to do _something_ though. As soon as I was sure Ruatha hadn't been injured, I stood up and started pacing. The dragonet rested his chin on my head and hummed a soothing rhythm.

Eye stalks followed me back and forth. " _Barnacle-breath's_ **gone** , _**you know**_. _Someone_ **NEEDS TO CHILL** _ **OUT!**_ "

" _Forgive me_ for being a _little_ on edge when that _thing_ was just trying to _eat us_." Deep breaths; I needed to calm down. I imitated Blondie's earlier actions, taking my hat off to run a hand through my hair. It helped; I still wanted to fight something, but the desire was manageable now. Replacing my hat, I sighed. "Sorry about that. Being away from my crew in a place like this… It leaves me on edge. You know what I'm saying, eh?"

"Nnnnnope."

I shot a dry look at the bastard, who was now grinning unabashedly as he remained prone. "Come again?"

"You heard me," Blondie chuckled without remorse. "I'm confident in the fact that the vast majority of my crew can whoop major ass with three out of four limbs tied behind their backs, so I've got no reason to worry about them. And as for me, I'm a confident, combat-seasoned, badass-asskicking—!"

"BULL- _SHIIIIT~!_ " the snail cut him off in a singsong voice.

"Blow it out your nonexistent ass~!" Blondie sang right back, without even missing a beat. "Anyways, yeah, no, I'm good. This place is a bit freaky, but apart from that…"

I hummed. "Gonna side with the French food there—"

" _Kiss my shell, Indiana Nobody."_

"—I've marked enough English papers to know bullshit when I hear it. And that sounded like prime bull _moose_ shit. If you're a front line fighter, I'm a Hufflepuff. And it's not that I'm _worried_ about my crew, exactly. They can handle themselves. I just… Something about this place gives me the heebie-jeebies." Plus I didn't like being alone in strange places at the best of times.

For some reason, Blondie stared at me in confusion for a moment before shrugging and jerking his way up into a sitting position, glancing to the side with a grimace as he scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, alright, I guess you've got a point on that last one. If it weren't for this damn fog, I'd have been able to call for help."

"BUT WITH THE MERRY HELL _this shit's pulling on my_ _ **senses?"**_ The snail stuck its tongue out in disgust. " **No dice, sistah!"**

"Damn. So there's no reception, eh?" I patted absentmindedly at the pocket where Samsung lived before fixing my companion's mouthy mollusk with a flat stare. Seriously, _where_ had I heard about this guy before? Something about his Den-Den was _really_ familiar. "And it's _Jones_ , actually. Go ahead and laugh."

" _MY PLEAS—_ GRK!" The snail's ear-to-ear grin was interrupted by his owner grabbing his tongue with what looked to be _way_ too much practice.

My dragonet squawked, indignant at being forgotten. I reached up to scratch his mane. "Oh, yeah. This little ball of scales is my dragon, Ruatha. Although he's more of a baby than a fire-breathing terror."

Ruatha started to preen and ruffle his scales proudly…

 _ **BZRRRRT!**_

"GAH!" Before a klaxon suddenly blared _right behind me_ and caused me to jump in shock and Ruatha to take a flying leap off my shoulder.

"HOOHOOHOO _ **heeheehee!"**_ the mucus-ridden menace cackled unabashedly, even as his owner rolled his eyes in bemusement. " **DON'T TRY TO BOGGLE US, you overgrown lizard!"**

"Bit harsh, but he does have a point," Blondie sighed with a 'what can you do' shrug. "This is the Grand Line. The lookout for one of our allies has one of you too, and hers is _bigger."_

I grabbed my dragon as he went to leap up and maul Blondie- or the snail; I wasn't sure which was his first target. "Down, boy. And at the risk of one of my crewmates appearing out of nowhere and braining me- it isn't size that counts, it's what you do with it." Cue a reflexive flinch and nervous stare, just to make sure Nami wasn't nearby. "For example… Ruatha, if you really care that much- Spit!"

"Chee!" A glob of sticky dragon saliva shot at the snarky snail. Of course, as soon as I gave the command, it occurred to me that this could be a bad idea, but too late. The mollusk started it anyways.

Uuuunfortunately, the effect was entirely nullified by the spineless stain cackling even harder. " _I'm a snail,_ **dipshit, I'M SLIMY 24/7!** YOU MIGHT AS WELL HOCK _SLOP AT A PIG!"_

"In a way, he just _did,_ " Blondie muttered acridly before shaking his head and pasting an ear-to-ear grin on his face. "Aaaanyways… I dunno how the heck you haven't recognized me by my voice yet, but I might as well introduce myself anyways. 'Voice of Anarchy' Jeremiah Cross, bane of the World Government."

He then reached up to his shoulder, plucked his snail off and held it out to me. "And this is my partner in crime, the _other_ 'Voice of Anarchy' and bane of… pretty much anyone with common decency, Soundbite."

"AKA _DA GOD A_ _ **NOIZE!"**_ the snail hollered, emphasizing his point with an air-rending guitar riff - after which he promptly adopted a grimace. " _That was_ **not SMART."**

 _Error 404: Brain not found_. My mind froze, processing everything that had seemed familiar over the last few minutes. With no one at the controls, my hand automatically reached out to pat the snail- because damn, he may have been a loud, annoying little ball of snark, but he was still above all else a _little_ ball, which thereby made him _adorable_. And hey, Samsung liked pats, so slimey snail-ness was nothing new to me.

"Gah, nononono, wait, _don't—_!" Sorry Cross, my brain doesn't have enough available RAM to understand words right now.

 _CHOMP!_

"…put your fingers… near his mouth, dammit…" Cross groaned, dragging his hand down his face.

I _was_ , however, capable of understanding the fact that a surprisingly sharp set of teeth was suddenly clamped onto my hand. Unfortunately, I didn't register what they were connected to in time, so before I knew what I was doing, I reflexively jerked my hand back to free it… aaaand sent the mouthy mollusk flying as a result. Well, with any luck he'd stick on the ceiling… which had a hole in it… _tabarnak_.

"YOU STUPID LITTLE SLIMESTAIN!" Cross roared as he shot to his feet and started dancing back and forth below the hole, arms spread wide. Thankfully, when physics reasserted itself and the invert that went up came back down, Cross was able to make a successful dive forwards and nab him before he could hit the deck.

The so-called 'Voice of Anarchy' sighed in relief as he stood back up and replaced his snail before pinning his companion with a blistering glare. "Soundbite? One of these days, you're going to need to learn how to weigh the risks and benefits of biting someone a hundred times bigger and stronger than you. _Especially_ when we're on footing patchier than Frankenstein's monster!"

"BITE ME," Soundbite rolled his eyes with a scoff, before leering as he tilted his eyes downwards. " _ **Better yet…"**_

And with that, the snail hopped backwards as much as he could…

 _CHOMP!_

"YEEEEEAAAAARGH!" And _I_ was treated to the sight of Cross running in circles like his ass was on fire… which I imagine was what it _felt like_ considering how hard Soundbite was gnawing on him.

And then everything snapped into place. I facepalmed so hard, I actually got a bit of a charge from it. "This Bites…" I whispered. _Osti d'épais de marde_ …

" _THAT'S MY FUCKING LINE!"_ Cross roared as he tugged at his partner's shell to no great effect.

"I know… Bloody fu- excuse me, one moment." I spun away from Cross in my as-usual-fruitless search for the Fourth Wall. Up went my middle finger, combined with a bras d'honneur so as to properly express how I felt about this shenanigan. "A _crossover_? Really?"

Then… "Sesehihihihihihi! Gods above and below! A _Cross_ over… Okay, this is a good one. That pun is worth a crap-tonne of shenanigans." I turned back to Cross and his snail, who'd both paused mid-run and mid-gnaw, respectively, so that they could look at me like- well, like I was crazy. Eh, I was used to that by now.

"So… Hypothetically speaking, if I told you that you were a character in a _One Piece_ SI fanfic, and I was a character in a _One Piece_ SI fanfic, and our writers were apparently getting together for multiverse-warping shenanigans, how would you react?"

Cross and Soundbite both blinked at me in confusion for a moment before Cross _calmly_ yanked his partner from his ass, replaced him on his shoulder… and then turned his eyes skyward and spread his arms wide. "A _crossover!?_ Are you out of your—!? Oh who the hell am I kidding, of _course_ you are… well, just know that this shit _never works!_ If we weren't bombing before by dint of being a self-insert in One Piece, we're sure as shit hittin' rock bottom now, _jackass!"_

…Okay, Johnny and Yosaku were right. Seeing it from this side _was_ freaky. Still, might as well snap him out of it. "Actually—!"

 _BANG!_

Something whizzed through the air, cutting between me and Cross. The noise was followed immediately by the splintering thud of a bullet punching a hole through wood.

Cross summarized the situation best.

 **-o-**

"SNIPER, GET DOWN!" I barked with all the tried and true practice of a gamer as I slammed my back into the nearest wall opposite the bullet hole, my heartbeat going through the roof as I processed _what the fuck had just happened._

Not far away, Jones dove behind a cannon and hit the dirt. "Of all the—! Why does it have to be _ranged_?" She pulled a pistol from somewhere along her belt, but made a face at it rather than actually doing anything.

"I don't suppose you're as good with that thing as your namesake?" I called over tentatively.

"Um…" I did _not_ like the way she was glancing upwards. "Let's just put it this way- I am to guns as Zoro is to a GPS. My specialty is _unarmed_ combat."

" _Shoot thatta way,_ _ **MAYBE WE'LL GET LUCKY!"**_ Soundbite snorted as he jerked his eyestalks in the direction of the bullet hole.

"Oh, like you two are much better without your _mutt!?"_

Soundbite and I exchanged bemused looks and conceded the point with a shrug. "Fair 'nuff…" I mused, before sobering up as I inched towards the cannon's porthole. "Anyway, if you know who I am, you know my position, so if'n you don't mind, I'll be taking point here. And first point of order is to find just _where_ we're being shot at from. Soundbite?"

"READY!" he nodded firmly.

"Alright, then…" I grit my teeth as I clenched and unclenched my fingers in preparation. "This is gonna _suuuuck…"_ And without giving myself enough time to build up any doubt, I swung my arm up—

 _BANG! SKRANG!_

"GAH, SON OF A _BITCH!"_ And _roared_ as I snapped my arm back and clutched my hand to my chest, which, besides ringing like a bell, was absolutely _killing me._ What calibre was that asshat using, 'fuck-you' millimetres!?

Jones shot me a sympathetic wince. "Need me to get another shot out of them?" she hissed.

" _No need,_ **twice was enough,"** Soundbite informed her darkly. "SHE'S—AND IT IS A SHE— _ **about thirty, thirty-five feet that way…**_ **AND GOING BY HOW SHE'S ALMOST** _ **FIFTY**_ **FEET HIGH,** _I'D SAY SHE'S MADE A CROW'S NEST INTO A SNIPER'S NEST."_

"Oh, _did she_?" A disturbing grin grew across Jones' face. "We'll see about that." So saying, the small blonde _made_ to bolt out of the portal—

" _ **BWAAAAAH!"**_ "GAH, TABARNAK!"

Until I snapped my fingers and Soundbite forced her to stay in place with a point-blank blare.

"Owowowow…" she massaged her ears, wincing mightily, before glaring at me. "The hell was that for!?"

I responded with a decidedly _flat_ glare. "Jones, clear this up for me: your Devil Fruit has something to do with kinetic energy, obviously, and yet you're hiding from our sniper, whose bullets are only lethal _because_ of kinetic energy. So! Are you or are you not legitimately and confidently Luffy-levels of immune to firearms?"

I got an uncomfortable feeling of deja-vu from the way she grinned and rammed her knuckles together. "No idea; never tried it before. But there's gotta be a first time for everything, and I'm still in the mood for a _fight_."

I took a brief moment to glance heavenwards in exasperation. Someone help me, now I knew how my _crewmates_ felt whenever I did something braindead. "So, you decided to test that little application of your abilities against a _sharpshooter_ who has pinpoint, split-second accuracy and is aiming to _kill?"_

"Umm…" Jones expression crumbled into a sheepish and somewhat ashen look. "Okay, admittedly not my best idea. You got one better?"

"Yeah," I grunted, turning myself around so that I was facing our enemy, even as I readied my _other_ hand. "You get ready to run, while _I_ get ready for round two." So saying, I jabbed my hand out, just like last time. But _un_ -like last time, this go-around…

" _GASTRO-FLASH!"_ " _ **WHA-BAM!"**_

I flexed my palm and my partner and I proceeded to blind our assailant's senses. Effectively, too, going by how another shot went off but the actual impact wasn't anywhere _near_ us.

"GET 'EM!" I roared, darting out from behind my cover and running towards the enemy.

Within a few steps, something small and purple shot past me. Huh. Shorty was pretty fast when she wanted to be. And she seemed to be- pounding her fists together as she ran?

"Newton's Second!" _CRACK!_ Wood splintered; there was an ominous creaking noise as the mast began to fall- towards me _ohshitshitshit—!_

I hastily skidded to a halt and flung my arms up before my face, _just_ as the pillar of timber slammed down on the decks of several ships next to me.

Sadly, life wasn't so convenient as to deposit our shooter at my feet, but the crow's nest _did_ land naught more than a half dozen meters away, so I made the snap decision to leap onto the mast and run along it to the nest. With any luck, our shooter would still be stunned from the—!

 _CLICK!_

—fall _sonnuvabitch!_ I froze on the edge of the crow's nest and snapped my hands up. I briefly considered trying to work out any details concerning our assailant that I could, but my attention was a _wee_ bit distracted by the _gun being pointed in my face!_

Alright-alright-alright, I just needed to be smart about this, just needed to find an opening, just needed… to… why was the air starting to screech and howl like a pack of baboo—?

I leapt at the sniper the _second_ they hunched over due to inner-ear-induced nausea and, with only a split second to choose, planted my boot in their face with _extreme_ prejudice. The sound of their nose's cartilage snapping was _uncomfortably_ welcome, as was the sound of the back of their skull _smashing_ against the somewhat rotted wood of the ship.

After 'nudging' the sniper's downed form (read, delivering a hefty, ire-ridden kick to their ribs) to confirm that they were well and truly K.O., I proceeded to do what any sane person in my greaves would do.

"WOO!" I laughed, shooting my fists in the air.

Which, of course, was _celebrate._

"Who's a badass?" I whooped as I pointed at Soundbite.

" **WE DA BADASS!"** Soundbite preened with a flourish.

" _And don't you forget it! BOOYAH!"_ we whooped as we exchanged a high-eye.

"Osti d'épais de marde!" Jones stomped up the mast towards me, rubbing her ears and scowling in a half-decent impression of an angry Zoro. "That was bloody _loud_. Is everyone still alive over— _GYRHK_?"

I blinked in confusion as _something_ made her freeze and choke at the sight of the unconscious sniper, and I hastily stepped back as she darted past me to our assailant. Her hat shadowed her face as she crouched down for a better look. Then she spoke again, her voice low. "Um… Cross? I think we have a problem. Does this particular sharpshooter look familiar to you?"

"Jones, all I saw when I got to them was _gun._ " I crossed my arms flatly. "Why, do you recognize them?"

" _Yes_. And unless your memory sucks arse, you will too." She shot me a flat look before standing up and stepping off to the side.

I took one look… aaaaand promptly froze in the _utmost_ of horror.

"…Soundbite?" I whispered numbly. "Can you connect to Robin?"

" _ **Have you not been—**_ **waaaait, wait a second…"** Soundbite cut his indignant rebuttal off partway through, a contemplative look coming over his face before he grinned triumphantly. "HA, GOT BRAIN! _AND THROUGH HIM…_ _What is it, Cross?"_ Smugness was swapped for smugness as Robin's voice cut in.

I swallowed heavily, glancing back and forth and rubbing my neck. "…say, Robin," I finally managed to get out. "Hypothetical question for you: say I suddenly came under sniper fire and I managed to KO the sniper before getting a good look at them." I glanced skyward miserably, begging for mercy in light of what I was about to say next. "Then say that said now-KO'd sniper was your mother."

I felt a bolt of utter _terror_ shoot through me at how flat Soundbite's face became. "… _my mother. My mother who's been dead since I was a child and whose absence I feel every day like a white-hot knife._ That _mother."_

I tugged on my collar, trying to alleviate the suddenly stifling pressure in whatever way I could. "Let's… say she were present thanks to the fact that time is more twisted than a pretzel here?" I prayed to hell Robin hadn't pegged onto what I was talking about.

" _Hypothetically, of course,"_ Robin reiterated dryly.

Fuck. Well, in for a beri…

"Of course…" I whimpered weakly.

There was a _pointed_ silence for a full minute before Robin finally deigned to speak, her voice staying perfectly level the entire time. " _Well, in that case,_ hypothetically speaking _, I would be hurt, outraged, and on top of twisting you into a Gordian Knot, I most likely wouldn't speak with you for a straight month."_

I restrained a tortured moan as I dragged my clawed hands down my face. "…love these hypotheticals, keeps the brain active!" I said, my voice doing its best impression of Pica's.

"… _Mister Jeremiah."_

I was frozen for a bit before slapping my hand over my eyes in defeat. "Yes, Robin?" I groaned.

" _Did you knock out my mother?"_

"Weeeeeell…" I cracked my fingers open and stared miserably at the woman I'd assaulted in pure self-defense.

More specifically… I watched blandly as while Jones checked her condition, her pet chewed on her hairdo.

Or rather… on her _mohawk._

"Not _your_ mother."

 **-o-**

"No, Ruatha, bad." I slapped my dragon on the muzzle when I caught him nibbling on Bellemere's hair. "Nami's mom is not for eating."

Oh, Rainbow Mists- if you weren't inspired by _Star Trek: Generations_ , I'd eat my hat. Not far away, Cross was pacing and…

"Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God-oh-Goooooood I'm gonna _diiiiiiiie!"_

Was essentially all but pissing his tighty-whiteys with how bad he was flipping out, and going by the way the shell on his shoulder was shivering, his partner in noise wasn't far behind.

Unfortunately, warranted as his apparent terror was, it was equal parts distracting and confusing. Aside from a broken nose and being unconscious, Bellemere seemed to be fine. Although she'd probably have a… concussion. Ooooh… alright, let's end this.

I glanced up at the alt-Straw Hat and snapped my fingers. "Cross," I spoke up, trying to grab his attention.

Going by how he snapped his around to stare at me with wide, twitching eyes, I'd succeeded.

I rolled my eyes in exasperation, but still I put on the best air of serenity I could. "I realize you're scared, Cross," I spoke, slowly and methodically. "But please be serious. Nami is not _that_ bad."

Cross scowled at me accusingly. "You are _lying,"_ he shot back just as firmly.

"Come on, Cross!" I flung my arms wide in exasperation. "You're overreacting! What's the _worst_ she could do to you?!"

Aaaaand there was the 'are you stupid/crazy' look again. "You're _kidding,_ right?" he demanded incredulously.

"It's _Nami,"_ I reasserted firmly. Sure, she was a little too liberal with the staff-to-the-head thing sometimes, but not dangerous.

"Yeah, _my_ Nami!" Cross emphasized frantically.

I raised a finger and opened my mouth to reply… aaaaaand then I thought about what he'd just said, and I slowly lowered my finger with a sympathetic wince as I got what he was getting at. "Oooooh… yeeeaaah, you're fucked." Note to self, keep my Nami _far away_ from any and all rare Dials.

" _Ooooooh…"_ Great, now the poor bastard actually sounded like a wounded _animal._ …ah fuck it, this was going to suck, but I couldn't just leave him to his fate. No matter how much said fate scared the shit out of me.

So saying—or thinking or… narrating, whichever—I tried to reach out and pat Cross on the shoulder to comfort him, but my hand fell halfway. Nope, couldn't do it. "Well, look on the bright side." I tried to make up for it by sounding as chipper as possible. "At least we're fucked _together,_ right?"

 _That_ snapped him out of his panic in favor of pure confusion. Heck, even _Soundbite_ poked his eyestalks out in surprise. " _ **Come again?"**_

"Weeeell," I waved my hands in a so-so manner. "I _did_ drop the mast she was hiding in, right? And, I mean," I gestured at Bellemere's face helplessly. "Just look at the poor woman! Her face is so beat up, it's impossible to tell if she got hit by one person or, say… two?"

Cross gaped at me as though I were an angel come down to earth. "I would very much like to hug you right now," he breathed reverentially, starting to step towards _oh hell no_.

"If you touch me, I will track down that Sea King, chop you up, _and feed you to him as chum,"_ I promised him in a solemn whisper.

"Fair 'nuff," Cross transitioned smoothly, stepping past me and walking around to Bellemere's head. "Alright, enough dilly-dallying. Come on, Soundbite's got a bead on the Sunny and I'd rather follow the rotten-wood road while we have the chance."

I glanced down at Bellemere's ankles uncomfortably before shooting my counterpart a pleading look. "You… _sure_ you can't do it on your own?"

Really starting to hate that 'idiot' look. "Me and what muscle tone?" he demanded.

I… really couldn't argue with that, could I? _Tabarnak_ this was going to suck. I crouched down and began the awkward process of getting Bellemere up onto my back. Ruatha was _not happy_ about this, as it meant someone else had his place on my shoulder, but he could walk. "I don't have enough hands. Help me get her arms around my shoulders so I can get a decent grip on her legs without her falling over backwards."

"On it," Cross nodded, circling around behind me and heaving Bellemere's torso into position before loosely putting her arms around my neck. This was so much easier with conscious people who could hold on under their own power. At least the Marine wasn't _that_ heavy.

"Alright, let's go," I grunted, starting to trudge forwards as I tried to convince myself that I was carrying a sack of potatoes rather than something that would _definitely_ trigger a panic attack.

Keeping pace with Cross as we made our way across the broken ships wasn't exactly the easiest feat to pull off. Stupid tall people and their stupid long legs and _doubly_ stupid uneven and unstable footing. Either way, between my… _ahem,_ 'conservative' stature and my endeavoring to remain upright, I spent a lot of time looking at his back. His very stiff, tense back. Guess he was still worried about Nami's reaction, not that I could rightly blame him.

…screw it, his tenseness was making _me_ tense. Coming to a decision, I jogged for a moment so I could try to comfort him face to face, forcing a small smile into place. "Still freaking out about Nami, eh?"

"Absolutely not in the slightest," Cross ground out around the armored thumb he was gnawing on.

"THANK GOD OUR SHOW _is audio only,"_ Soundbite deadpanned, though the fact that he was sweating like a pig didn't really give his words much weight.

"Tell me about it…" I mused for a moment before tilting my head to the side thoughtfully. "Eh, try not to worry, it only makes you suffer twice over. And… if it helps? Look on the bright side."

"We are hauling the concussed body of my volatile, lightning-slinging crewmate's _mother_ ," Cross deadpanned. "What _possible_ bright side is there to this situation?"

I made my expression as flat as his. "You only have to deal with one of her as opposed to two at once."

"And just like that, I'm bouncing back!" Cross perked up instantly, his smile radiating hope and positivity.

 **-o-**

Meanwhile, back on the Thousand Sunny, Merry, who was standing on the forecastle with Franky, was staring down a spyglass at something off the port quarter. Something that, in hindsight, they really should have seen coming.

"Y'know, I'm getting the distinct impression that Cross was absolutely correct when he said that this place is a temporal clusterfuck," she remarked, her voice pointedly calm.

One bright blue eyebrow arched over Franky's sunglasses. "What makes you say that, sis?" he queried.

Sliding her spyglass shut with a distinct 'snap!', Merry indicated in the direction she'd been looking, a _very_ clear twitch in her jaw. "Because _I_ am sailing right towards us, and there's someone _very_ familiar on my forecastle."

Flicking his sunglasses up and out of the way, Franky followed her gaze towards the horizon, where a familiar sheep-headed caravel was slowly tacking towards them, an equally familiar shock of orange hair visible standing right next to said sheep's-head.

"Huh," Franky slowly blinked in surprise. "So you are."

 **-o-**

Funny, I actually did feel better about that. And hey, even if she was and would ever be Nami, she was still my friend and she had notably mellowed out quite a bit since Enies. Hell, who knows, I might just be able to fast-talk my way out of this yet!

…alright, most likely I was just bullshitting myself and we'd still both be crapping thunder for a few hours, but at least a man can dream!

Still, the feeling cleared away the last of the panic and let me think clearly again, and the first thing I noticed was that Jones' shoulders were hunched up. And looking closely, she just seemed tense in general. No idea why though; even if she was willing to stand alongside me against Nami, chances were I'd catch a load more flak than her. So why did she flinch just- aaaah, and considering the sheer level of pissed at my hug offer earlier…

"You sure you don't want me to try and carry her, Jones?" I offered. "Because you look, well…"

"LIKE SHE'S ABOUT TO HOCK _everything from the stomach_ _ **down?"**_

"I was trying to be subtle, but…" I shrugged helplessly. "Soundbite can be a blunt ass, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's always wrong."

She winced uncomfortably, but set her jaw and didn't even pause in marching onwards. "It's fine… alright, that's a lie, but don't worry about it. I just… I don't like being touched. But I can handle this." Jones' expression of discomfort turned into- yeaaaaah, that was one of the fakest smiles I'd ever seen. Alright, change the conversation, change the conversation… that'll do it.

"So, 'Newton's Second', eh?" I queried with an inquisitive look. "Lemme guess… Dyna-Dyna Fruit?"

 _Now_ Jones visibly perked up, life re-entering her countenance. "Force-Force, actually, but yours is clever. Still, mine's more accurate because it's only _physical_ energy I can deal with. See, I absorb, reflect, and manipulate force- although if I absorb too much, or too quickly, I tend to just sort of 'explode' without control. The force of impact is easiest, but I've started having some success with friction too. I'd demonstrate, but…" She shrugged, jostling Bellemere lightly.

"Oooh, neat!" I grinned eagerly. "Now _that_ is a brilliant and highly exploitable ability! What're your highest and lowest moments with it?"

"HIGHEST FOR ME WAS BLASTING _Lucci's feather-rat with mah BASS CANNON!"_ Soundbite cackled… before grimacing to the side. " **Lowest was when I let** _**a prototype of Phony slap me UPSIDE MY SHELL."**_

It took a long moment of thought before Jones answered. "Hmmm… Lowest would be blowing myself backwards off a cliff while fighting Eric… the Scythe-bastard?" she clarified at my confused expression. "Back before I knew what my fruit _did_."

I couldn't help the cheeky grin that spread across my face. "You thought it was—!"

"Yeah yeah, I thought it was _Star Wars_ , get off my ass, I was desperate!" she waved me off with a scowl. "Anyways, highest… Probably blowing up a T-Rex's head when it tried to eat me. Although I don't remember that one very well; you'd have to ask Vivi. I kind of lost consciousness right after."

"Nice!" I barked enthusiastically. "Escaping, surviving, killing and riding a T-Rex are the coolest actions you can perform concerning those things! I only managed one, but you got two at once! Seriously impressive!"

" _OH, OH, IDEA!"_ Soundbite waved his eyestalk eagerly before dropping his voice into a guttural growl. " _ **Once, a T-Rex bit Jones. And in a blood-filled, gore-soaked instant… it was dead."**_

"Sesehihihihihi!" Jones jerked forward as she giggled ecstatically. "D-Don't make me laugh! Nami really _will_ kill us if I give Bellemere a second lump!"

"Chuck Norris jokes? Really?" I deadpanned as Soundbite and Jones revelled together. "Whatever…" I contemplated what else we could talk about that didn't involve a done-to-death (if admittedly epic) meme. "So… any good movies come out recently?"

"Eh, Disney and Dreamworks have done alright, but that's not really important- although there was a new _Star Wars_ movie supposed to come out about a month after I… left." Jones shot me a curious look. "Really, though? You ask about movies, not how your own story's going? Aren't you the least bit curious?"

I shrugged with a dismissive scoff. "Why ask about the obvious? Good SIs are a once-in-a-blue-moon deal, and the One Piece fanfiction community is both comparatively minuscule _and_ polarized, with fics being either amazing or awful. And the combination of both? The lowest of both sides, bar none. Face facts, we both suck… er, in a literary way, I mean. No offense."

"None taken, and you're a bit off the mark," Jones deadpanned. "Last I saw? _This Bites!_ was pretty popular."

"Oh, yeah?" I shrugged without a care. "Eh, I guess that's nice, then. How many faves does it have? A hundred? Two?"

"Try over two _thousand."_

I nearly snapped my _spine_ I spun around so fast, but hell if I could give half a damn about that! "Ex- _squeeze me!?"_ I choked out.

Jones shrugged carelessly and rolled her eyes. "You heard me, Jar-Jar. When I left, you were on the front page in terms of reviews, follows _and_ favorites. Undeniably the most popular SI in the fandom- although I'll agree, that's not necessarily saying much on its own- aaaand eighth most popular fic overall in terms of favorites. Might be higher by now. Basically?" She freed a hand to give me a thumbs-up. "Congrats, friend, you're officially what's known as an e-celebrity."

I—? But that—! How—? _What the fu—!?_

 _has encountered a fatal error and has to shut down._

 _Reboot? Y/N_

 _Y_

 _Reboot accepted. Formulating appropriate response._

" _WHAT?!"_

Any further responses were cut off by a loud thump on the deck behind us.

 **-o-**

My first inkling that something was wrong was how hard and ungiving my bed seemed to be. I like a firm mattress as much as the next guy, but to my sleep-addled subconscious it felt more like a hardwood floor. Not comfy.

My second inkling was that I was asleep in the first place, though my brain was decidedly unhelpful in telling me _why_ that was a problem.

The third and most important was a finger jabbing into my ribs.

With the ease of long practice, I pried my eyes open and sat up, locking my gaze with Robin's brown orbs for a brief second, long enough for the worry in her expression to dim somewhat. It also served to reassure me; the last thing I remembered was seeing _Enrico-fucking-Pucci_ out and about on the street and then… and then… yeah, that blank spot in my memory was all kinds of worrying.

I slowly turned my head around, a sinking pit opening up in my stomach as I took in the derelict ship—a _wooden_ one at that, and massive too—we were on, as well as the multitude of others that were surrounding our perch, and the rainbow-colored mist we were enshrouded in, which was nigglingly familiar. And I dealt with that the way I usually do.

"Well, this definitely isn't Louisiana," I remarked. Unfortunately, that didn't get even a snort out of Robin, which was worrying, since she usually laughs at even my worst jokes.

"No, it's not," she agreed, glancing around. "A-Are we in the Bermuda Triangle?"

"I doubt it. Contrary to popular belief, the Triangle isn't any more dangerous than the rest of the ocean. Believe me, we've checked," I replied as I stood up, my jeans crackling. Ugh. Salt water. "Unless some rogue Stand user has set up shop there since we last checked." I frowned as I realized that in addition to not knowing where we were, I also had no idea how we'd gotten here. "How did we get here, anyway? I remember seeing Pucci on the street…"

I glanced over to Robin for answers to see her shuffling back and forth on her feet, looking away. Aw, hell, I knew what that expression meant. "I lost it and attacked him, didn't I?" I sighed, rubbing my forehead.

"Yeah, you didn't even use The Catalyst's abilities," Robin replied, her tone readily relaying what she thought about _that_ decision. "And then this fat slob in glasses stepped out of an alley and touched you and you vanished. I almost didn't grab him—he stank, seriously!—but I used my arms to try and lock him and then I blacked out and woke up on this ship a few minutes before you did."

"Ugh, that damn priest must have been there to recruit Stand users. And got one," I groaned, moving my hand away so I could look around again. "Alright, now, where are we—"

I froze as the memory that had been tickling me since I saw that fucking rainbow mist hit me like a thunderbolt. And as someone who's actually been _hit_ by lightning (long story), let me tell you, that was pretty hard.

"Rainbow mist…" I breathed. "Son of a gun…"

"You know where we are, then?" Robin asked hopefully.

"Yeah, I know where we are. We're in your old world."

Those words got the reaction I expected: anger and fear flitting over her face, her fists clenching at her sides, and her Stand, Pompeii, springing into sight, glaring at me. Thankfully, I knew the remedy for this sort of thing.

I pulled her into a hug.

"Don't worry," I said, stroking her hair, feeling her tense muscles under my other hand. "If I remember correctly, that ice bas—guy's nowhere nearby. More importantly, you're not the same as you were back then. It's okay, we're safe…"

I made soothing noises, continuing my stroking, and slowly I felt the tension ebb out of her. Finally, I felt her push against me, which was the usual signal that she'd had enough.

"Feel better?" I asked as we separated.

"Yeah…" she said softly, brushing at her eyes. "So, now what?"

I grimaced. My rather hazy memories of this arc—thank you… X-Chick, I think it was—indicated there was supposed to be an island here. But all I was seeing were dead ships, as far as the eye could reach.

"I don't know," I answered, frustration leaking into my voice. "What I remember of this part of One Piece is both super hazy and clearly wrong. I simply don't know enough about the Rainbow Mist to know what to do."

Robin nodded grimly. "Then we should probably find somebody and see if they know more."

"Heh," I chuckled. "We'll make a Stand warrior out of you yet. That's exactly what I was thinking." I glanced up at the mast rising above the deck, and pressed a hand to it, The Catalyst manifesting and overlaying its own arm. "And the first step towards that is to find a mast that hasn't been rotted through with seawater."

Stepping up, Robin gave the mast a hearty poke, and then stepped back. After a brief second, the mast creaked and began to fall over, making that classic cartoon falling tree sound before crashing onto a neighboring wreck.

"Yeah, probably a good idea," she drawled.

Getting to other ships was a simple matter of having our Stands pick us up and ferry us over. Navigating the ships themselves was trickier. Salt water and the creatures within it did nasty things to ships, steel, wood, or otherwise, but it was still surprising how bad off many of the wrecks were. I didn't want to think about how long some of these wrecks must have been here to get that bad. After the first time Robin nearly fell through a rotten patch of planking I had The Catalyst out constantly to keep an eye on the chemical composition of the wood.

And that was how, after landing on one of the more intact ships, I sensed something very important.

"Wait," I ordered, stopping Robin in her inspection of this ship's mast. I began to pace over the deck, trying to pinpoint a chemical that was in decidedly short supply around here.

"What did you find?" Robin asked, before glancing up. "And can I climb up the mast?"

"In order, I think I found fresh water, and yes, but be careful," I replied, stopping on a particular piece of deck. I could've used The Catalyst's ability to rot away the wood, but I was on the mood for something a little more visceral.

" _Oyoi!"_

My Stand's fist crashed into the deck, smashing apart the planking, and I hopped down onto the gun deck below. Another " _Oyoi!"_ brought me down to the hold, which had so far avoided being flooded, my senses pointing me to several barrels.

Picking the nearest one, I pried it open, and in it was water. Water that, once I tasted it, proved to be fresh, if a bit brackish.

"Perfect…" I muttered as I replaced the lid.

"Did you find something?" I heard Robin call down.

"Yeah, we've got water now!" I called back up. "Give me a minute!"

Getting up again was a bit tricky, but there were plenty of footholds. The only problem was when I was trying to climb out of the gun deck. As it turned out, trying to climb off of a slick iron cannon was a bad idea if you didn't want bruised shins.

"Ratchafraszin'…" I muttered as I got back up on the main deck. I glanced up at the mast, seeing Robin staring off into the distance. "You see anything?"

"Yeah, I see a ship that isn't beat to shit!"

"Language!" I halfheartedly shouted up. "Now, let's get you down before something-"

 _SNAP!_

"Yaaaaahhh!"

"Breaks!" I yelped, shifting onto the balls of my feet so I could dive in any direction. I shouldn't have worried, though; a glance up showed her hanging off the mast by the many arms sprouting from it.

"I'm okay!" she reported.

"Yeah, you seem to… have things in hand," I said, grinning.

"Snrk… That was terrible, Lee!" Steadily dropping herself down, she tapped her foot on top of my head before landing. "Terrible!"

"My great sense of humor aside—"

"Ha!"

"—you said you saw an intact ship, right?" I continued.

"Yup," Robin confirmed, dropping to the deck. "Well, mostly intact. The masts are kinda broken."

"We'll go there, then," I decided. "We have water here, but I want to find food, too. That's a lot harder to die from, but also harder to recover from, as well."

"Good," Robin said, sniffing and haughtily raising her nose. "When we are there, you shall cook me the most exquisite banquet you can!"

I stared at her for a few seconds, then shook my head and began chuckling. Oh, this was going to be good. Makes me wish my phone hadn't apparently gotten dunked in saltwater.

Robin, who had just started walking towards the ship, turned around at that, worry creasing her features. "Why are you chuckling?" she asked, her voice wavering.

"You'll see," I said cryptically, waving her forward. "Let's keep moving, okay?"

"Okay…" she said dubiously. We continued on, Robin in the lead, and she kept on glancing behind herself at me. Ah, I love it when I get to do this. And I love it even more when it's due to something that I didn't actually do! Does that make me an asshole?

Hm…

Nah, everyone enjoys a good bit of schadenfreude here and there. And not everyone's an asshole.

Secure in my logic, I went silent and focused on keeping an eye on the rotten decks. Thanks to our Stands carrying us over gaps and Pompeii temporarily patching up a few rotten spots, we made good time, and soon I could see the beached ship Robin had pointed out looming on the fog-shrouded horizon.

Still, we'd need to stop soon and take a break; Robin was beginning to flag. She hid it well, but the little quivers in her legs, particularly her calves, and the sweat running down her neck were obvious tells. We just needed to find a good, solid deck to stop on.

I was still debating where to do that when a loud squawk of "WHAT?!" echoed out over the graveyard, very loud and very close.

"Stay here!" I barked, noting in my peripheral vision Robin slumping to the deck as I dashed over to the side. Whatever this situation, throwing an internationally wanted young girl into the mix was unlikely to be a good thing, and honestly, she seemed relieved to get the rest.

The damn fog, naturally, was still obscuring things as I reached and peered over the side of the ship, but I could make out a pair of silhouettes, one person-shaped and one an amorphous blob that I recognized as one person carrying another. The Catalyst helpfully informed me a second later that the person being carried had a lot of black powder and residue on her person. Interesting.

Unfortunately, that was all the information I could get from here, and I still didn't know who these people were. I'd have to do this the hard way.

Jumping off the deck, I let the Catalyst float me down most of the way before dropping me the last few feet. My arrival was heralded by an audible thunk, and I was treated to two pairs of eyes shooting my way.

My mind quickly ran through the scene. On the right, young blond man, wearing a black cap, jacket, and pants; somewhat tanned, but still obviously of North European descent; bandage over his nose; armor over his forearms and shins; and a checkerboarded… Den-Den Mushi, I think they were called, on his shoulder. He also looked vaguely familiar, even though I'm pretty sure he wasn't anyone I'd ever seen before. On the left, young…

My eyes narrowed as I tried to make out the other figure's gender. Looked vaguely feminine… I'd go with female, until she indicated otherwise. Shorter than Blondie, same taste in dark clothing (black and dark purple), though with a fedora instead of a cap and a splash of red at her neck. Dirty blonde hair, olive skin that looked natural instead of tanned… and a utility belt jammed to the gills with _stuff_. I counted at least eight pouches, as well as a flintlock pistol and a sai practically touching.

Neither of them looked particularly threatening; both had rather slim builds and only one was even armed. Still, in both JoJo and One Piece, appearance was often a _terrible_ indicator of threat level, so I didn't drop my guard.

That, and there was a third person in what I'm pretty sure was a Marine uniform being carried on Fedora's shoulders, unmoving and limp. The woman—at least, I'm pretty sure it was a woman—had dark _orange_ hair trimmed down to a buzz cut on the sides, and it was tickling my memory. That hairstyle, and the Marine uniform…

Ah. Bellemere, I'm pretty sure. I guess my memory about time fuckery is accurate.

For whatever reason—whether surprise, my close scrutiny, or something else—neither of them reacted for several seconds. Well, that wouldn't do. These people were our best ticket out of here.

Standing from the crouch I'd been in, I indicated the unconscious woman. "Friend of yours?"

"…Uh, friend of a friend?" Blondie posed.

"Close enough," Fedora nodded.

I hummed thoughtfully. "And is there any reason she's covered in enough gunpowder and gunpowder residue that I can smell it?"

" _She's a_ **sniper who just tried to give us EXTRA HOLES IN OUR** _ **bodies**_ **,"** the snail scoffed, its voice swapping in pitch, tone and even gender. " _ **NO DOI SHE REEKS LIKE A ONE-WOMAN ARMY."**_

I narrowed my eyes at the checkerboarded Den-Den Mushi, which appeared to be talking on its own in some weird radio patchwork. Could they do that? And that sense of familiarity was back and stronger than ever…

"That makes sense," I said slowly, nodding. I plastered a grin on my face, and I clapped my hands together. "So! Since it seems you're both stuck here, too, do either of you know any way to get out of here? We've got some time-sensitive stuff to take care of."

Fedora snorted. "Time-sensitive. _Here_. Please, tell another one." Her words were accompanied by amused chattering from an overgrown lizard—with _wings_ —scrambling around her ankles. Right, dragons are a thing around here. I mentally raised her threat level a notch.

"Heheh, that's a nice one, Soundbite, rewind his last sentence," Blondie transitioned from laughing to dead serious in a second as he suddenly pointed at me.

There was a brief rewinding noise from the snail before it started to speak in my voice. Okay, seriously, I knew this guy. I swear, it's on the tip of my tongue… " _We've got some time-sensitive stuff to take care of."_

Blondie tensed up and started to clench and unclench his fists. "You heard what I heard, right?" he asked his companion tersely.

"Yep." Fedora turned to scowl at me. "Tabarnak… I like a good fight as much as the next crazy person, but not when I'm carrying precious cargo."

" **Walk 'em out** _ **OR ELSE I GET THEM**_ _CHUCKIN' EVERYTHING THEY'VE eaten in the last week!"_ the Den-Den Mushi snarled grimly. " _ **And for the record? I'm not fuckin' exaggerating."**_

I resisted the urge to sigh. Man, I suck at negotiating. But then, I already knew that. Call in Koichi for diplomacy, call me if you want someone dead. Hell, even Jotaro's better at negotiating than me, and he has all the emotive capacity of a brick wall!

Anyway, I could probably take them, but I'd rather not kill our only ticket out of here, or piss off the companions they inevitably had. And I still didn't remember who Blondie was despite that nagging recognition. I _hate_ it when that happens!

"Woah, okay, let's not go crazy here," I said, raising my hands in placation. "I don't want to fight, and I wasn't planning on ambushing you guys."

Yet.

"But if it'll make you all feel better… Hey, Robin!"

"Yeah?" Robin called down from the ship above, both Blondie and Fedora exchanging glances, likely at the youth of her voice.

"Come on down, they want to meet you!"

"Aye-aye!"

There was a moment of silence, and then a mast crashed down to the deck several yards away from us, shattering into chunks of rotten wood. Then the wood crumbled into ash, swirling into a vaguely mast-shaped mass, which promptly snapped together into a pristine new mast. Robin skipped down a few seconds later, a happy grin on her face.

"Hi, my name's Robin Fung!" she said in greeting, waving her hand. Behind her, the mast collapsed back into shattered, rotten wood. "Weird name, huh? Blame this guy." That last was accompanied by a thumb jabbed my way.

Fedora's scowl morphed into what could only be called a puzzled glare, her mouth falling open with a hiss. "Son of a—!"

Blondie's reaction, however, was leagues more extreme… and rather amusing, too. Seriously, I didn't even _know_ jaws could go so low, or that a person could survive without a drop of blood in his face.

"R- _Robin?"_ he choked out incredulously.

Aaaaand just like that this wasn't funny anymore. I could see Robin's eyes widening slightly in my peripheral vision, though it was more out of surprise than fear. "Uh… have we met?" she asked.

"Or have you just seen the _wanted poster_ that's been floating around these waters?" I added, barely keeping from snarling. The Catalyst, as it's wont to do when my emotions run high, sprang into view behind me, looming ominously.

Robin opened her mouth, presumably to ask about that, but I raised my hand and she closed it. I wanted to see how they reacted to my words. I tried to watch their eyes, but that was a bit difficult, because they were looking over my… aaaah, shit, the Mist was making my Stand visible, wasn't it?

"Did I pull an all-nighter without noticing it?" Fedora wondered aloud, reaching one hand under her glasses to rub her eyes. "Because I think I'm hallucinating a modernized version of Red Skull."

…Scratch that, they can _fucking see it._ What the hell?! Do these two have Observation Haki? Oh, that would be bad news if they did.

"You… have a Stand…" Blondie choked out. Then his expression turned downright sickly as he snapped his attention back to Robin. "Wait… Stands and—!? Oh, frack me, _Bohemian Rhapsody!?"_

"How do you know that name?!" I snapped almost before he'd finished speaking, the Catalyst flashing out to grab Blondie by the throat and slam him against the nearest hard surface; the deck-edge railing, in this case.

As he gurgled, my mind was awhirl. How did this guy know about Stands, let alone one as specific and short-lived as Bohemian Rhapsody? And—

Wait.

The blond hair. The armored arms and legs, the Den-Den Mushi. Someone who's read JoJo, in a world where that didn't exist.

"—Lee? Lee!"

I blinked, seeing Robin tugging at my arm, looking angry. Then I glanced out, seeing the person I finally recognized starting to turn an unhealthy shade of blue, and Fedora in a fighting stance looking ready to jump into the fray. At a command, the Catalyst released him, letting him drop to the deck, hacking and coughing and clutching a clearly bruised throat.

"Xomniac?"

 **-o-**

"Gagh, I, wha— _WHAT!?"_ I managed to bite out as I got my throat working again. "Sonnuva, how the hell do _you_ know _that_ name!?…wait…" I glanced skyward miserably. "Oh, come on, _another_ self-insert? Dunno how the hell you jiggered things so that we don't suck back home, but I'm still serious about a crossover being a shit gimmick!"

The grizzly-looking mofo who'd just _nearly ripped my spine out_ snorted at that, getting an exasperated sigh from tiny Robin (still trying not to freak out about that), and he took a deep breath, seeming to collect himself.

"I dunno, you didn't seem to think that when you dumped Priscilla and… what's his name, that ice dragon guy from… Dark Souls, was it? Anyway, when you dumped those two in Resuscitatio. And don't even get me started on Franken Fran."

"I WAS ON A SUCCESS HIGH, I ALREADY ACKNOWLEDGED THAT I FUCKED UP!" I roared indignantly at the impudent son of a bitch. Damn it, how long was he going to hold that shitfest over my head, it'd been weeks since we'd even… talked about…

…wait a second.

" _CV!?"_ I squawked, my eyes nearly popping out of my sockets.

Jones looked from me to CV and back again. "So… You know this guy? Do we have to fight him or not? I'm confused."

"You and me both," Robin muttered. "And just so you know, he could totally kick both your asses!"

"In the flesh," fucking _CV12Hornet_ said. He then proceeded to poke Robin in the back of the head. "Also, Robin? Please don't write checks that I have to cash."

My brain stalled and jarred as I tried and failed to to process just what the hell I was seeing. CV. CV12Hornet. An extremely skilled writer, my best editor. One of my best friends in the whole— _WHY THE HELL AM I STILL SITTING!?_

"DUDE!" I laughed elatedly, shooting to my feet and spreading my arms wide. I was promptly knocked off my feet by the man wrapping me up in a hug, strong arms squeezing the air out of me.

"You're alive, you crazy bastard!" CV crowed. "I told you going into a 'verse with superhuman baseline durability was a bad idea!"

"And you have a fucking _Stand!"_ I laughed back as I rammed my hands down on his back. "You went into JoJo and you crawled out the other end _in one fucking piece!_ Holy _shit_ dude, you—!… you…" I trailed off slowly before leaning back to give my old pal a bemused look. "Yooou've pulled a Joseph. Eesh, dude."

"What are you—?" CV began, before scowling. "I'm forty-six, dammit! And I like to think I look good for my age!"

"SORRY TO TELL YOU, _bub, but you look like you're pushing_ _ **SIXTY!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

"And I think you need to get your eyes checked, Squashy!" Robin interjected, adding a stomp on the deck for emphasis. "He doesn't look a day over forty-five!"

"Thanks…" CV grumbled.

" _YOU WANNA SAY THAT_ **TO MY FACE,** _ **shortstack!?"**_ Soundbite snapped his jaws menacingly.

"Oh, lordy…" I slapped a hand to my face with a groan. "I see where this is going… bah, while they're ripping each other's heads off—"

Beside us, Robin glared at Soundbite and drew herself to her full 5'5" height. "Yeah, I do! Your mother was a slug and your father was a hermit crab!"

"—wanna catch up?"

" _Ohoh, you wanna dance?_ **Bring it, cause I'm** _ **soooo**_ **scared of that knife in your face!** _ **OH WAIT, THAT'S YOUR**_ **NOSE!"**

CV eyed the insult-fest between Soundbite and Robin for a second before shrugging and nodding. "Sure. D'you want to start, or…?"

"Dude, I've been on these seas for six months, you've been in JoJo for the majority of your _life,"_ I deadpanned. "Who the hell do you _think_ has the more interesting story?"

"Still you," he replied with a smug grin. " _I_ haven't been hanging around a protagonist the whole time. Just some of the time."

"…fair 'nuff!" I grinned cockily as I started fiddling with my gauntlets. "And if I'm going first, let me cut off any 'comparing scars' nonsense early, because nothing you've got can top what I've got."

"I _seriously_ dooouoookay, nevermind…"

I revelled in the way my friend recoiled from my unbandaged arm, the vindictive joy pushing me through the sting of salt on my exposed nerves. "Yeaaaah, like a limb of molten mozzarella! Gooey and solid in all the wrong places! Touch it."

"How about _no?_ The last time I saw burns that bad, it was on a _corpse!_ "

"C'moooon, touch it!"

"Xom, get that thing away from me!"

"Touch it touch it touch it!"

"I will _melt_ the rest of you from the lungs out, so help me God!"

 **-o-**

I laughed as Cross started chasing his friend around the deck waving… not the _most_ badly scarred hand I'd ever seen, since I used to work for a surgeon, but certainly up there. To be able to meet someone you knew in a place like this, so far from home… Although, this CV person seemed a lot older than I would've expected of someone Cross hung out with on Earth. Maybe he aged differently on his alternate timeline thingy? Oh, the joys of time-warp shenanigans.

Wait… Time-warp shenanigans—I'd come to _One Piece_ about a _year_ after Cross had, if not a little longer. The manga had progressed so much… Should I warn him about Sanji's family?…wait, warn—? Oh, holy hell, _Ace._ He still thought he was free and clear on that front, he had _no_ idea about the shitstorm waiting for him! Screw it, I know I would've wanted _him_ to warn _me_ , if our situations had been reversed. The more information you had, the better it was for making plans. That was something I'd managed to learn from _him._

Something flashed across my peripheral vision as I opened my mouth to speak. No one else noticed, still engaged in their banter. Suspicious, I turned to find whatever-it-was. Were we under attack? But no, all I saw was a ratty scrap of sail that had fallen from a nearby wreck. It had something written on it though. The dripping red text piqued my curiosity; I moved closer to read it.

 _Go ahead and tell him._

Halfway through reading the note, something _flashed_ across my skin, and I was forced to lean over with a hiss when my forearms began to sting and burn. I almost dropped Bellemere in surprise. Twelve glowing lines of pain, almost as bad as when they'd been fresh. When I looked back, there was a sheet of impossibly sturdy paper lodged in the wood. One edge was lined in red; I was able to read three words before the pervasive moisture caused it to begin crumbling into pulp.

 _ **I dare you.**_

Tabarnak. This was that B.R.O.B. thing, wasn't it? Didn't want me messing with Cross' fate. …tch, fine, message received, you omni-everything fuck. Wasn't like it would matter anyways, because knowing Cross, he'd meet whatever challenges were coming head-on and grind them into the _dirt._ I paused at that thought. Huh. A lot more admiration there than I usually showed for anyone… except maybe Sensei. Hello, not-my-usual-writer.

Still, just in case… I freed one hand for a second to flip the sky off. "Merde! Fine, fine, have it your way. Just quit messing with the scars, my own writer does that enough already. And I may not be able to see you right now, but if I ever do find you… _Mon tabarnak j'vais te décalisser la yeule, calice!_ "

Slamming my foot on the note-mush for good measure, I grit my teeth and forced back the pain. It slowly subsided as I clenched and unclenched my muscles. Deep breaths; force a smile so no one would suspect I'd seen anything unusual.

Even if she wasn't all that heavy, carrying Bellemere was starting to get tiring. I'd _really_ appreciate getting to the ship so I could put her down and stretch out my shoulders; the muscles in my upper back were starting to seize up. Time to get people back on track. But how?

… _Yes_.

I crept up behind Cross while he was going after CV, my steps quiet on the worn wood. Not that I expected anyone except maybe Soundbite to hear me over the banter that was still in progress. Slipping one hand free, I reached for a famous and much-hated button, crazy grin growing across my face.

 _ **BWAAAAAAAAAH!**_

The noise hurt my ears something awful, but it was worth it. Everyone jumped, including me; I made sure my leap carried me _away_ from Cross and any possible vengeance. Five pairs of eyes fixed on me; Ruatha let out a reproachful croon of pain.

"Sesehihihihihi! Oh, that was _fun_. I can't believe I actually got the chance to do it!"

 **-o-**

I recovered first from the incredible noise of the foghorn; the one benefit of being around so many explosions in my twenty-four years in Jojo. "Dang, that's loud," I groused, rubbing my ears. "You okay, Robin?"

"My eaaaars…" she groaned from where she was curled up on the deck. "Gimme a few minutes for the world to stop ringing…"

I nodded, and turned back towards Fedora, who was looking quite pleased with herself. "Soooo. I don't think we were ever introduced and I suppose blowing our eardrums is as good an introduction as any." I held my hand out towards her. "Lee Fung, better known as CV12Hornet in online circles."

She stared at my hand for a moment before awkwardly freeing one of her own to shake it. "Jones. Also an SI, although I don't know what name my writer uses. So… What was that Red Skull thing that grew up behind you earlier? Or was I _actually_ hallucinating again?"

Again? "Don't worry, you're not hallucinating," I explained once we broke the handshake. "This is my Stand, The Catalyst." Said Stand popped into view behind me as I mulled over how to explain this. "Think of it as… a manifested fighting spirit that gives you superpowers. I'm honestly surprised you can see it."

"So, sort of a cross between Haki and a Patronus? Cool." Jones shrugged at my latter words. "Afraid I can't help with the seeing thing, if people normally can't. Between the glasses and the crazy, it's hard for me to tell. Now, since you reacted so well to it, I hope you don't mind me using you as a human shield if anyone else was pissed off by the foghorn. Like I said, I don't like fighting with precious cargo." So saying, she ducked around to put me between her and the rest of the group.

On the plus side, while Robin was rubbing her ears and glaring at Jones, it seemed to be mostly annoyance. Xomniac and Soundbite, on the other hand, looked actually angry.

"And for the record, now that I _have_ a human shield?" she spoke up from behind me. "I see why you guys like doing that!"

"WE KNOW!" Xomniac and Soundbite hollered irritably.

"Sesehihihihihi!"

"Ugh… alright, moving on," Xom groaned. "You know the story as well as I do… uh, would you prefer CV or Lee?"

I let a grin spread across my face. "Yes."

"…Right." He slapped his hand to his face with a sigh before splitting his fingers and… glancing at Robin? "So. Child Robin. Considering the setting you walked out of, I take it that my guess about Bohemian Rhapsody was right?"

I opened my mouth to respond—

"That's right!"

And then Robin cut in, grabbing my arm and grinning sunnily.

"He tried to save me from the ice guy but kept getting frozen and then this weird arrowhead cut me and it really hurt but it gave me a Stand—" And here Pompeii - a humanoid, vaguely female figure in grey plaster and jagged black volcanic rock, Roman numerals making a clock over its chest - sprang to life and gave a wave. "So I could keep him alive and then he went and kicked the bad guy's a—butt, and then because I had a Stand I was able to stay and not go back into that comic book for weird reasons I don't get and Lee adopted me and it was awesome!"

"What she said," I interjected in the silence that followed before glancing back at Jones. "Also, maybe I should carry Bellemere from now on."

My suggestion earned a scowl, of all things. Despite looking like she could use a break, Jones was glaring like I'd just threatened to kill her dragon. "No. No, I'm good."

Well, alright then. Let her suffer in silence. Arguing with that kind of stubbornness generally got you a boot to the head. At best. "Suit yourself."

Meanwhile…

"Riiiight…" Cross stared at Robin for a second longer before affixing me with a flat glare. "For the record? If my Robin pulls a Joestar and gets a Stand by extension or association or what the hell ever and starts shifting art-styles, I blame _you."_

"Duly noted," I blandly stated. "Anyway, now that the exposition's out of the way, I hope one of your ships is around so we can sit down and hash out how the hell we're going to get out of here."

"Sunny's over… thattaway," Cross jerked his thumb in the direction his snail indicated. "We're planning on regrouping there so that Chopper… actually, now that I think about it, do I need to clarify him as 'my' Chopper?" he glanced at Jones in askance.

"Nah, I think you're good." She shook her head. "I doubt we'll need to deal with _those_ kinds of hijinks…" Her expression fell flat. "And it's not like your Chopper could be confused with mine by any sane person anyways."

"Uh…?" Robin slowly raised her hand curiously. "If they're the same person, why not?"

" _It MIGHT have_ **something to do with the fact that** _ **one is NUTTIER THAN A**_ **SQUIRREL AND** _ **strapped with**_ EXPLOSIVES," Soundbite responded flatly.

"…Withdrawn," Robin muttered, Pompeii shimmering briefly into existence and rubbing its neck nervously behind her.

"Shall we?" I interjected, indicating the direction Cross had pointed.

"Allons-y!" the relatively native pirate proclaimed as he forged on energetically.

 **~o~**

"Ah, mi casa at last!" I laughed in relief, swinging my arms out wide as the beautiful, tri-masted form of my home and steed came into sight through the mists. "It's not su casa, but he'll take you in all the same. Nice, eh?"

Lee didn't say anything for a long moment in favor of staring with furrowed brows at the ship. "…Wasn't the Thousand Sunny supposed to be a brig sloop?" he asked at last.

"That was with a ฿200 million budget. Thanks to me, we had ฿500 million, _and_ a ship-whisperer involved in the construction process." I couldn't help but shoot a cocky grin over my shoulder at Jones. "Top _that,_ rookie."

"That implies a situation where we need Sunny in the first place, asshat," Jones deadpanned.

"…also implies you make it to Water 7 period?" I offered sheepishly.

"As if we won't," Jones rolled her eyes before shifting Bellemere about with a grunt. "Look, quit rubbing your superior experience in my face and help me figure this out; I don't have enough hands to climb while holding a person." Her words were accompanied by what I was pretty sure was the dragon equivalent of a raspberry from Ruatha.

"Right, I thought the Wikipedia page for barques looked familiar…" Lee muttered, ignoring the exchange as he kept looking over Sunny. "Oh, and speaking of hands? Robin just climbed up the side while you two were arguing."

"Wait, _what!?"_ I snapped my attention to him in shock. "Why didn't you—!?"

" _Brace,"_ Soundbite droned flatly.

I hastily snapped my headphones over my ears…

"EEEEEEE!"

 _Just_ in time to dodge the supersonic shriek that came within milliseconds of rending my eardrums. Prepubescent girls: an aspect of modern life I _so_ did not miss.

Others, however…

" _Dick…"_ Jones ground out as she got a hand free and dug a finger through her ear.

"Yeah, she's got a _fantastic_ set of pipes, doesn't she?" Lee said, a smug grin on his face telling just how much experience he had with this. "Oh, and to answer your question, Xom, I didn't say anything because I try to be fairly hands-off as a parent. Oh, and because I thought it'd be funny."

" _HE'S AS_ **BAD AS** _ **YOU, PARTNER!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

"And as confusing to boot."

"GRK!" I went ramrod stiff as a _specific_ voice spoke up behind me, and I slowly turned a twitching grin up to the Sunny's railing. "H-Heya, Robin. IIII'm guessing you have a few questions."

"I'll save the ones for your… _friend_ for a later time," she cast a pointed glance at Lee for a moment before refocusing on me. "Currently, however?" She hefted… _an_ arm up, exposing the fact that her mini-me had latched onto her like a lamprey and was staring at her with particularly twinkly eyes. "I'd very much like an explanation for _this."_

"Lee, you were right!" Younger Robin giggled ecstatically as she rubbed her cheek against… well, her _own_ arm. "I'm gonna be _sooo hooot_ when I grow up!"

"Told you that brat Mikaela was just jealous!" Lee shot her a thumbs-up.

"Ergh…" I dragged a hand down my face with a groan before jerking my thumb at Jones and her… _baggage._ "Look, I'll explain things soon enough. For now, mind if I start by trying to explain _that_ to the crew?"

Robin hummed noncommittally for a moment before shrugging and conjuring a makeshift ladder of limbs on Sunny's side. "Pass her here. Best you come on first though, so that you can help me lift her up."

"On it," I saluted, hastily clambering up her limbs and waving down at Jones once I was on deck. "Alright, pass 'er up!"

" _Finally_." There was a relieved sigh as Jones heaved Bellemere up high enough that Robin could grab her and start passing her up. "Merde… I'm gonna be so stiff tonight. Make sure you watch her head, eh? And get her to Chopper ASAP."

"Yeah, yeah, I got her," I nodded absentmindedly, keeping my head on a swivel even as I hooked my arms under Bellemere's arms. "Now let's hurry up and do this before Nami sees—!"

"Before Nami sees _what_ exactly?"

A loud smack echoed from down on the shore where Lee still was.

"GRK!" I barely kept from fumbling the Marine as I shot a panicked glance over my shoulder at Nami and Vivi, who'd _somehow_ managed to walk up behind me without anyone warning me. I spared snarls at a _far_ too satisfied Soundbite and Robin (the older one I mean, damn this was going to be confusing…) before smiling tersely at the two. "N-Nami! Good timing, _great_ timing really! I-I-I was just going to go and get you! I, ah, j-j-just discovered something in the Mists you'll want to know about!"

"Yeah, funny story about that…" Vivi cocked her eyebrow at me. "See, we found something pretty incredible too."

And with that she stepped aside to reveal… an older woman who looked just like _oh bloody hell!_

"QUEEN TITI, MA'AM!" I yelped, hastily spinning around to snap her a saluuuu _oooh shit._

 _THUNK!_

I flinched as the meaty thump of flesh and bone striking flesh and bone rang out. "I can explain that."

"GAH! _TABARNAK,_ YOU DROPPED HER RIGHT ON MY _HEAD_ , YOU ASS!"

"I can explain that too."

I tried not to flinch as our navigator leaned to the side to look past me, where Bellemere was sprawled out on the deck in front of a sour-looking Jones, who wasn't rubbing the top of her head only because Ruatha was licking the spot.

"Cross," Nami asked dryly, her eyes slowly narrowing. "Would you care to explain to me why my _once-dead-mother_ is lying down there and why she looks like she got kicked in the face?"

"Er…" I rubbed the back of my neck uncomfortably as I tried to look anywhere but at her. "Beeecause someone kicked her in the face?"

"I thought you described your friend as 'eloquent'?" the un-deceased queen of Alabasta asked her daughter with honest curiosity.

"Eh," Vivi waved her hand. "It comes and goes with the tides."

" _Bite me,"_ I hissed out of the corner of my mouth, slapping my resident pest's shell before he could get any bright ideas.

"Would it be too crass to make a concussion joke?" Lee chose that exact time to _very helpfully_ cut in as he climbed up the side. "Because this is, what, the third time she's gotten knocked on the head today?"

"Only the second, you bastard!" I called down acridly, before flinching as Nami's fingers dug furrows into the railing. "Aaaaand that is _so_ not helping my case, is it?"

"No. No, it's not." Hands appeared on the rail as Jones heaved herself up. Ruatha came up separately, and a little ways away- dragon must have good instincts for avoiding trouble. Jones sighed. "Anyways, look… Nami, my name is Jones. I know you might not know me, but I just want you to hear me out: Cross might be an idiot—!"

"Oi!"

"—But to be fair, this time this mess isn't _entirely_ his fault."

"OI!"

Jones shot a glare at me before looking at Nami regretfully. "As I was saying… yes, some of it was me, and I'm really sorry about hurting your mother. Feel free to exact your pounds of flesh as needed, just don't hurt us too bad; can't have Soundbite and Ruatha becoming orphans now, can we?"

For the longest time, Nami just stood in place, spinning her Clima-Tact, at her side. Finally, she thunked it in place at her side and heaved a sigh. "I'm… actually _not_ going to hurt you two."

It was like some great divinity had chosen to _smile_ upon us, my heart felt so light. "Really?" I breathed euphorically, tears of hope glistening in my eyes.

"You're serious!?" Jones asked in shock.

"Entirely," Nami nodded solemnly, gesturing at her ear. "See, after a recent incident? I have a bit of a hard time working up as much temper as I could before. I'm not exactly _happy_ about this situation, by no stretch of the imagination, but I'm certainly not going to fly off the handle and _maul_ the both of you. So yeah, you don't need to worry about me."

I was sitting on Cloud 9, but apparently Jones was a bit more distrustful, if the sheen of sweat on her brow was anything to go by. "And… why doesn't that reassure me? _At all?_ "

"Oh, that's an easy one," Nami's suddenly _demonic_ smile killed my joy cold, and the way she snapped the Eisen-section off her staff and started tossing it up and down in her palm didn't help either. "See, without my temper, I can't really get riled up enough to do shit to you."

Without warning, Nami tossed the tube of metal to the side, and I traced its flight through the air - before locking up in terror as a positively _irate_ Nami snatched it out of the air.

"That's why _she's_ here," my Nami smirked as she walked over to her alternate, carrying Bellemere on her back as she walked around the stormfront that was rapidly expanding behind her double. "I'd wish you good luck… buuut honestly I really hope that this _hurts."_

"You." The alt-Nami hissed murderously, a downright deadly look in her eyes as the clouds around her roiled and snapped grimly. "Concussed. My _mother."_

 **-o-**

White nibbled at the edges of my vision; I felt like I was about to faint. "Parlay?" I offered weakly- not that I really expected anything to come of it. And surprise, surprise, nothing did, unless you count my Nami - my normal, un-altered, _still_ rage-filled Nami - turning her terrifying gaze on _me_.

"You. Concussed. My. _Mother_ ," she hissed.

And then… the air _exploded._

"YOU _IDIOTS!_ "

A wave of solid cloud slammed into me and Cross before we could say shit, taking us clean off our feet and pinning us to the galley wall with bruising force.

My first reaction? Ow. My second reaction? _Owwwww_. Tabarnak, clouds were _not_ supposed to be this hard. Funny how _that_ was the first thing to go through my head, instead of something like 'oh crap, the Namis have met,' or 'don't cross the streams.' Although it was probably a little late for the latter. I gasped, trying to get my wind back, but apparently Cross got there first.

"N-Nami!" he wheezed frantically, struggling against his binds. "I-I know you're pissed at us, but if you'll just let me explain-!"

"Gag him," the _This Bites!_ Nami instructed mine coolly as she examined her fingernails.

"— _MMPH!?"_ Cross let out a muffled howl as a tendril of iron cloud clamped down over his mouth.

 _This Bites!_ Vivi—ah, screw it, I'm not doing that forever—TB!Vivi whistled in awe. "Wow, that was actually impressive."

Titi tilted her head towards her daughter, her attention never leaving our pinned forms. "Yes, this _is_ quite the impressive display of how unique the Grand Line can be, isn't it?"

"Hm?" TB!Vivi blinked at her mother in confusion before 'ah'ing in understanding. "Oh, no, not that, our Nami has those clouds out 24/7, they're practically her own personal aura. _I_ was talking about her gagging Cross. Smartest thing anyone's ever done in a fight against him by far."

"MMPH MU!" Cross let out a smothered roar at her.

"Language!" Lee laughed up at him.

"MMH MPH!" The anarchy-raiser snapped his glare to his old friend, who only reacted with a smile and wave.

My Nami shot a glance at TB!Nami. "Should I do something about the snail too? Or is it just there for decoration?"

TB!Nami—man, this was confusing—thought for a moment, then waved her off. "Nah, it's fine. Not like it would stick anyways, and without the puppetmaster he's mostly harmless."

" _ **OI!"**_ Soundbite roared indignantly.

"Oh, so you're saying that _you_ know how to break someone's spirit with just a few words?" TB!Nami questioned flatly.

" **I—!"** Soundbite started to bark before glancing to the side uncertainly. " **Alright fine, emotional torture is** _and always will be_ CROSS'S FORTE." He then perked up eagerly. " _ **On the other hand,**_ **PHYSICAL TORTURE** _OF THE AUDIAL VARIETY_ _ **IS MY FORTISSISSIMO!"**_

"Nice pun," Lee remarked.

"MRPH!" Cross flailed furiously.

" _ENOUGH."_

All conversation stopped as my Nami's voice lashed out over the deck.

Then, eyes a few millimeters of blood pressure away from glowing red, she advanced on us until she was just out of kicking range. The clouds tightened around us, a promise inherent in their binds. "Jones… I'll give you one chance to tell me _who kicked my mother's face in_. And I'm warning you now." She snapped her finger over her shoulder to point at where both Robins were watching over the KO'd Marine. "You might be my friend, but that is my _mother._ So! If I wind up being unhappy with the answer…" Her grip on the metal tube tightened to the point where her knuckles popped.

Nope, not saying anything. I'm not a snitch. Biting my lip, I did my best to avoid Nami's gaze. Hopefully she'd get whatever punishment she had in mind over with quickly and we could move past—!

" _It was Jones!"_

WHAT.

" _MRPH?!"_ Cross squawked just as incredulously.

" _YOU HEARD ME!"_ Soundbite cackled madly, his eyestalks jabbing in my direction. "SCARFACE HERE _decided to punt the Marine dead center!_ _ **Quite viciously too, I might add!"**_

Oh, that little… "YOU FOUL, SCHEMING LITTLE _TURD_ OF POND SCUM!" I spat at the slimy shit, straining at him as much as physically possible. "I SHOULD BAKE YOU IN GARLIC BUTTER AND SERVE YOU WITH FRENCH BREAD! AND I HOPE THAT WHEN YOU GET REINCARNATED, IT'S INTO A FUCKING _SALT-SHAKER!_ "

" _ **Bring it the hell on, you two-faced, TWO-MINDED,**_ **HALF-BAKED Impact Dial!"** the slimy git leered. " _I ain't goin' down for the shit YOU'VE DONE!"_

Half-baked? _Half-baked_? Oh, we'd see who was half-baked. "When I get out of here, I'm going to shove my ' _half-baked'_ Newton's Second down your _goddamn—_ GAH!"

" _ **GYRK!"**_

"Oh, will you both just SHUT UP?!" The clouds tightened even further, also extending to wrap around Soundbite. If my Nami wasn't livid before, she was now. Oops. "I don't care who, but _someone_ better give me a straight answer, or—!"

"Well, I'm no doctor," Lee cut in from where he had moved to examine Bellemere. "But besides the boot to the face, from the bruising and her pupils she took a nasty fall onto her side, and also a bright light in her face. Which of those two does that sound like?"

The Namis looked at each other. "Bright light sounds like Cross' Gastro-Flash," TB!Nami offered. My Nami's expression darkened.

"And Jones tends to blow up and throw people across the battlefield. So it was _both_ of them. Thank you."

"You're welcome!" Lee cheerfully replied. "So, what're you gonna do—?"

Suddenly, crackling noises filled the air and the atmosphere _reeked_ of ozone.

TB!Nami's eyes shot wide as she shot her hand to her suddenly lighter hip. " _Shit!_ Nonono, wait—!"

Lee, too, looked rather panicked. "Shit!" The Catalyst sprang to life. "Stop!"

 _Tabarnak_. This wasn't gonna be pretty. Sparks began to dance around the iron clouds, blue and white and gold. Tiny zaps of static- like you get from a wool carpet- preceded the incoming storm. I grit my teeth and closed my eyes, bracing myself for pain.

" _OKAY, HAPPY-HAPPY-FUNTIME_ **STOPS HERE!** _**SUCK IT!**_ "

No- no pain? "Eh?" I cracked an eye open. Nami- my Nami- was kneeling on the ground, her hands over her ears, looking like she was about to vomit. TB!Nami stood over her, clutching two thirds of a Clima-Tact. The iron clouds receded, dropping me and Cross to the deck with a thud. Not far away, I heard a groan in a vaguely familiar voice. Oh, good, Bellemere was waking up.

Both Namis froze at that sound. They turned in slow unison to look at the red-headed Marine. Cross and I were forgotten in a clatter of heels as the navigators raced across the deck to check on their mother. I let out a sigh of relief at the lack of lightning treatment.

" _Bellemere_!" The Marine was engulfed in hugs as soon as she made to sit up. Both Namis looked like they might start crying at any moment; Bellemere, for her part, was totally confused.

"N-Nami?" Glancing at the two women hugging her didn't help the Marine's confusion. She reached up to wipe blood from her face, wincing as she touched her nose. "This- This is a dream, right? Because last time I checked, you were three years old, and I'm pretty sure I didn't have twins."

"If it _is_ a dream, I'm not sure I want to wake up." My Nami glanced back at me out of the corner of my eye. "It's almost good enough for me to forgive those idiots for what they did."

"Really?" I couldn't quite keep the eagerness out of my voice. Beside me, Cross sagged in relief. Half a second later, a thrown bottle bounced off my head. Nami smiled.

"Okay, _now_ I can forgive them."

"Ow…" I grumbled, rubbing the spot where the bottle had hit me. Thankfully, both Namis were now focused entirely on their tearful reunion with their mother, leaving only TB!Vivi, who was looking thoughtfully at me, and her mother Titi, who seemed content to just watch with an amused smile on her face.

Actually, Vivi was outright staring at me. And then she was staring at Lee. And then back at me. Creepy…

"So, which one of you is Cross's?" she asked.

Lee shot a confused glance my way, to which I could only shrug. Cross's what? Who knows? Denied an answer from me, he turned back to Vivi, raising a finger. "Uh, Cross's what?"

"Oh, his loved one," she clarified, looking a little sheepish. "Sorry, it's just… everyone else ran off to who knows where because after my…" There was a slight hitch to her voice that was _rife_ with both disbelief and joy. "My _mother_ and Serra - Conis' mother," she clarified at our confused looks. "After they came out of the mist, we all figured out that our loved ones were somehow coming out of the Mists. I was just wondering which of you was Cross's."

"That would probably be me," Lee answered, raising his hand. "I was one of his best friends back, uh… home."

When TB!Vivi looked askance at me, I rolled my eyes with a heavy sigh. "I'm with the _other_ Straw Hats. You know, the crew a dimension to the left and a few months behind?"

The princess opened her mouth, closed it, and frowned. "…I cannot, for the life of me, _believe_ that I'm not questioning that sentence. Now, if you'll excuse me…" A dreamy look came over Vivi's face as she turned towards where her mother was happily helping keep a _visibly_ shellshocked Bellemere stable. "I have to get back to a _long_ overdue reunion."

And with that, she left.

 _I_ wanted to question that sentence as I looked out over our two ships, which were slowly starting to fill with recently returned members of separate Straw Hat crews and their _often deceased_ loved ones. But… weird as it was, this still had nothing on _-All You Zombies-_ , so if I could accept that… I sighed and shook my head.

"So… Lee, was it?" I looked over at the by-far-oldest of the three of us. "When did you leave Mother Earth to descend into a realm of madness?"

"Tail end of 2016," he answered, leaning back onto a nearby railing. "Right before I was set to leave on a family New Years' vacation to Los Angeles, if I remember correctly. You?"

"November of the same year."

Lee grinned. "Hey, Xom!" he called out. "D'you want us to- *snrk*"

I frowned in confusion as Lee hastily clamped his hand over his mouth to dampen the amused snort I'd heard. Whatever it was that had provoked that, it had to do with Cross, so I turned around and—

Okay, I have to admit: Cross' comically angry face, accompanied by fingers jabbing at his cloud gag and a lot of angry "Mrph!"s, was definitely something to laugh at.

Still grinning like a loon, Lee said, "Ladies, I don't know how you made those clouds last, and while I think it's _hilarious…_ would you remind removing Cross' gag for him? I want him speaking for this."

" **AGREED!"** Soundbite chimed in. " _He can't_ **appreciate my** _ **genius**_ **LIKE THIS** _ **!"**_

"Mmph mm— _GAH!"_ Cross yelped as a tendril of Iron Cloud literally slapped the gag off of him. "Oh, thank God! Finally!" The anarchy-lover shot a scathing glare at his crew's navigator. "I want two digits off my debt for that, you… damn…" he trailed off into a smirk as he eyed Bellemere nearby.

TB!Nami, for her part, waved her hand dismissively. "Yeeeah, that's not happening in a million—eh?" She interrupted herself when a hand landed on her shoulder - and then paled when she trailed it back to the _very_ twitchy face of her visibly displeased mother.

"What was that…" Bellemere intoned darkly. "About a 'debt'?"

" _Meep,"_ TB!Nami squeaked unintelligibly, sounding for all the world like a kid whose hand had been caught in the cookie jar.

"Hehehehe, sucker," Cross chuckled sadistically as he watched a suddenly-lively Bellemere browbeat our navigators before refocusing on our conversation. "Aaaaaanyways, CV, you were saying?"

"How would you like to hear how 2016 went?" he said, grin stretching ear-to-ear.

I blinked in confusion as Cross perked up intently. Why would he be looking forward to that? I mean, sure, it was a crazy year, but- wait a minute. _This Bites!_ was published in _2015_. Cross doesn't know anything about that year, and Soundbite most likely wouldn't have cared enough to share with him.

Oh, this was going to be fun.

"And I'll make sure this guy stays _accurate_ and doesn't _embellish_ ," I added, a grin of my own spreading over my face.

Cross glanced back and forth between us before heaving a sigh. "I know I'm going to regret this, but… fire away. It can't have been that crazy."

"Oh, very poor choice of words," Lee chided. "Hey, does anyone have any booze handy?"

From the Merry, docked next to the Sunny we were currently on, a bottle came sailing up. From the way Lee hastily crossed his arms over his face, he hadn't been expecting tha- Tabarnak! That… _Stand_ keeps surprising me. In fact, it seems almost automatic. In any case, Lee took the bottle, popped it open, and took a deep gulp from it.

"Terrible," he grumbled, his face a mask of disgust. "Alright. 2016. It all started with this _fucking_ gorilla…"

 **-o-**

Steel clashed against steel, forming a strange, ringing battle music. Anyone not bearing a sword had the good sense to stay well away- even if they were a person usually lacking in good sense. This wasn't a spar; this was a curbstomp, this was a _massacre_ , this was—

This was, Yosaku reflected as he was thrown into the air by a miniature tornado, going very poorly.

He didn't blame Big Bro, really. As a swordsman, he understood what an amazing opportunity it was: a chance to spar with your older self, to learn things from him. But really, was the appropriate reaction to having your opening salvo blocked so effortlessly that you _couldn't even tell if your opponent had woken up_ **really** to grab two friends who were just _minding their own business_ in the galley and declare it an exercise in teamwork? And then that little girl had charged in, momentarily shocking both Zoros before the battle heated up more than ever.

…Okay, maybe he _did_ blame Big Bro. Just a little.

Further philosophizing was cut short by the imminent impact with the nearest bulkhead. The green hunter wheezed as he landed hard; Johnny came down on his back a second later.

"Is it just me, or are we getting our asses kicked?" he groaned.

"Rhino Cycle!"

Yosaku looked up just in time to see the older Zoro flick two blades up in a quick spinning maneuver that tore lines across the younger Zoro's chest and sent him staggering backwards into a rail. "Nope, it's not just you, Bro. It's you, me, Big Bro, and that weird Li'l Sis with the shinai. We're _all_ getting our asses kicked."

"Well, technically, she's not getting her ass kicked," Johnny pointed out as said shinai-wielding young girl tried to land a thrust on the older Zoro's leg. "He's just letting her flail at him without getting hit." Sure enough, the swordsman sidestepped the blow with almost criminal ease, his focus rooted entirely on his younger counterpart. "Honestly? I know he's trying to be kind, and I get why, but that's pretty insulting as a swordsman."

True enough, the young girl was _livid_. Her face was red as a tomato as she continued to swing futilely at the man who was ignoring her. The girl's attacks became sloppier and sloppier as her anger took control, until she finally snapped and started _screaming_ as she fought.

"TAKE ME SERIOUSLY, DAMN IT!" Tears welled up at the corners of her eyes, but she didn't let them fall. "YOU MEN- YOU THINK YOU'RE SO TOUGH! THINK GIRLS ARE DELICATE, CAN'T TAKE ANY PAIN! NEWS FLASH! WE HAVE TO GIVE _BIRTH_ TO YOU NUMBSKULLS! THAT HURTS A HELL OF A LOT!"

She paused, panting, before launching back into both her attack and her rant with renewed vigour. And this time, a disproportionately large number of her strikes seemed to be targeting Zoro's groin. "I CAN DO _ANYTHING_ A BOY CAN DO, AND I'LL PROVE IT! YOU THINK YOU'RE _SO_ GREAT BECAUSE YOU'RE TALLER THAN US AND YOU HAVE TESTICLES—LET'S SEE HOW _YOU_ FUNCTION WITHOUT THOSE _DELICATE_ BITS OF ANATOMY! AND WHILE YOU'RE ON THE GROUND WHIMPERING IN PAIN, _I'LL_ GO ON AND BECOME THE WORLD'S GREATEST SWORD-FIGHTER! TAKE _THAT_ , YOU MISOGYNISTIC MOSS—!"

"Kuina, will you SHUT UP ALREADY?!" the elder Zoro roared, his swords flashing out—!

"Yosaku!" Johnny yelped, shooting to his feet, sword in hand.

"Right behind you!" Yosaku replied, doing the same.

Their urgency came from the fact that, after pushing away his younger counterpart (read: knocking him into a wall hard enough to rock the ship), Zoro had turned his blades—his very sharp blades—on the young girl. As they watched, both swords… hooked their blunt edges under her armpits? And lifted her? And—

"Oh, shit!" both swordsmen yelped as the hilt of Wado Ichimonji flashed up and slammed into Kuina's temple, launching her at them at a pretty respectable clip. And with their own forward momentum, they had no chance to dodge.

As such, Kuina slammed sideways into Johnny, the sudden reverse in momentum carrying both of them into Yosaku behind, and from there into the wall and then a groaning heap on the deck.

"It's not because you're a girl that I'm going easy on you," the insensate swordsmen heard the elder Zoro grind out. "It's because—" Silence, stretching for several seconds. "Because it's really hard to step on ants without killing them."

Johnny and Yosaku gaped, and Kuina looked murderous. It was his younger self, however, who responded, his voice livid.

"You can't even be a year older than I am. How did you get strong enough to earn the right to start talking like Mihawk?!" he snapped.

"I'm still nowhere close to beating _him,"_ the older Zoro scoffed, refocusing his attention. "But I doubt that you're too far off from where I am. What's the last island you left?"

"Drum," Yosaku and Johnny groaned in unison.

The older Zoro nodded. "Just a few more months, then. The Grand Line has a tendency to push you past your limits. Over, and over, and over again," he added with the barest hint of exasperation. He considered for a moment, and shrugged. "Then again, I had some help. It's amazing what beating up on another swordsman all the time reveals about your own fighting style."

Johnny and Yosaku had already fainted before their Zoro turned back towards them.

Kuina forced herself to her feet, a teary smile on her face. "I guess… Congratulations, Zoro. You finally got good enough to beat me. But I won't give up! If you've gotten this good, then I just have to get even better! I _will_ prove that girls can be master swordsmen!"

There was more steel in her words than any child that age should be capable of. It made both Zoros flinch. They glanced at each other, questioning. Then, through the sort of mental rapport only possible for identical twins and clones, they came to a decision. The elder Zoro sighed.

"I'm gonna tell her."

"Don't you dare!" the younger Zoro hissed.

"Tell me what?" Kuina asked innocently.

The two Zoros exchanged a stricken look, and came to some sort of mutual agreement. "Nothing," they said in unison and more than a little haste.

Kuina frowned and folded her arms. "You may have improved with your swords, but you're still a terrible liar. Both of you."

 **-o-**

"—but the year went by, and none of the king's wives had a child!" The younger Usopp paused dramatically before rushing on with his story. His elder counterpart and their mother shot him amused looks.

"Yet when the king came in the next day, the eldest of his wives informed him that he now had a beautiful daughter. He was delighted. But when he asked to see the child, his wives wouldn't let him. It was not a human child that had been born in the nursery that morning, but a small, white kitten. When pressed, his wives told the king that he couldn't see his daughter because it had been foretold that if any man should look upon her before her wedding day, the princess would die a terrible death."

"Many years passed. The feline princess grew up into a beautiful cat under the care of the king's wives. Soon the time came for the wives to seek a husband for their precious daughter. But where would they find a prince willing to wed a cat? It took a year and a day of scouring the land, but finally they found a lad who would do as they asked."

"The prince married the cat, and continued to find excuses to look after her in secret as the wives had done. By this point the king was anxious and restless, having had a daughter for fifteen years without laying eyes on her. He demanded to see the girl, but the prince continued to deny him."

"One day, a watching goddess saw the white cat crying in her room. Full of pity and confusion, the goddess descended to ask what was wrong. The cat princess lamented that she was forever trapped in that room, and could do nothing to help the increasingly harried prince. She loved him, as much as a cat could love a human, and wished she could in some way lessen his burdens."

"Touched by the cat's story, the goddess brought her a magical fruit. One bite, she told the princess, would be enough to turn her into a human girl- albeit one with animal traits, that her prince might still recognize her. The cat princess didn't need to think; she thanked the goddess and immediately took that fateful bite. Seconds later footsteps came stomping down the hall. The goddess vanished as the door opened."

"Imagine the prince's surprise when he opened the door to find not the cat he'd married, but a lovely girl wrapped in white cloth. At first he was enraged, demanding to know what had happened to his precious feline. But the princess wept and told him of what had occurred, pointing out patches of white fur on her shoulders and back that showed what she had been."

"Once over his shock, the prince was delighted. He and the princess spent many days together, getting to know one another in truth and falling in love as humans do. Eventually, the prince brought his beloved to meet her supposed father- and thus, even the king got his happily ever after."

"That was great." The elder Usopp applauded briefly before puffing out his chest. "But wait til you hear mine!"

 **-o-**

[So… this is the Chopper we were supposed to get before Cross showed up,] Leo remarked.

[I'm… honestly kinda disappointed. Is anyone else disappointed?] Raphey said.

"Sorry…" the tiny reindeer hugged the strange stick he was carrying, his ears drooping.

[No, no, don't apologize!] Mikey said, waving his flippers in apology. [We'd have been perfectly fine with you if you'd been on our crew!] That said, he shot a glare at his fellow ship's guards. [ _Right_ , guys?]

[Changing the subject away from Mikey's rather sad attempt at intimidation—]

[Hey!]

[What is that outfit you're wearing?] Donny finished.

"This?" Chopper plucked at the sleeve of his very odd shirt. "This is my jersey. I play hockey—well, usually I'm the mascot, but I got to be a defenseman one time. It was a lot of fun!" He turned to proudly display the number on his back. "Look! I was number 17!"

Two completely blank stares met the reindeer's nervous gaze. The other two dugongs' faces lit up, each coming to their own conclusion about what the tiny doctor meant. Their voices competed as they simultaneously blurted out their conclusions.

[Cool!] Mikey beamed. [Too bad you weren't a goalie though; those masks are freaky awesome!]

[You already know Haki?] Raphey asked, impressed. [How does that work? I thought your crew just left Drum Kingdom.]

"No,no, no! Not _Ha_ ki, _hoc_ key!" The tiny reindeer waved his stick around and pulled a small, heavy black object from beneath his jersey to show them. "It's the national sport of Drum Kingdom, almost everyone plays or watches every chance they get. You need two teams of between eleven and sixteen players, some good ice, and a puck—like this one! And they all have sticks. Now, the point is…" Chopper's voice became gradually higher and higher as he began to explain the rules of this game, his stick swinging ever more erratically as he used it to emphasize his words. More than one of these swings forced passersby to jump or duck, lest they be brained by sturdy wood.

Mikey's eyes followed the stick as if hypnotized. [I am both extremely disappointed and extremely happy with this development.]

"—And because Larry couldn't skate with a scalpel lodged in his sciatic nerve, I got to play defense for a Leafs-Seas game!" Chopper's expression turned into a dark, angry pout. "But we lost… Stupid Seas and their stupid Rocket brothers. They always steal all the glory! The Leafs haven't won the Bighorn Cup in almost fifty years!" This final exclamation was accompanied by a particularly violent swing, which the dugongs were forced to duck.

[…I am no longer disappointed,] Donny whimpered dumbly.

Chopper didn't appear to hear him. In fact,the little reindeer appeared to be searching for something, his eyes lit up with a manic light. "I'm sure we'll win next time though! We have to! Maybe it'll help if I—!"

 _THWACK!_

"Ow!" Chopper yelped, clutching a rising goose egg on his skull. He turned his gaze on the culprit, Donny, who was lowering his bo staff and staring at it in bewilderment. "Why did you do that?!"

Shaking his head, Donny said, [Sorry, force of habit. We have to do this to our Chopper all the time, and you were starting to sound like him.]

Chopper stared in something akin to horror at Donny, then slowly creaked his gaze around to a disappointed Mikey putting his nunchucks away. He thought of the lather he was working himself into, how angry he got whenever the thought of the Seas and their _thrice-damned_ Rocket Brothers either beat his Leafs or won another championship. Really, that left him only one possible response.

"…what kind of person did I _become!?"_ he demanded.

" _Salutations, colleagues!"_

The poor reindeer nearly shifted into Jump Point from sheer surprise at the voice coming from behind him.

[That kind,] the four Dugongs sighed.

It was easy to tell the difference between the two reindeer; the Dugongs' crewmate's hat and pants were identical, but the senior Zoan was topless and hefting a notably larger backpack. The face, though, was the main difference: after all, the younger reindeer certainly didn't go around with a smile that belonged in a Lewis Carroll novel and a look in his eyes that screamed ' _I'm going to do violent, bloody SCIENCE to you!'_

The hockey-obsessed reindeer clutched his stick to his chest in an attempt to slow his rapidly beating heart. "He-Hello!" Glancing around, the sight of two Zoros scowling at a little girl reminded Chopper of what he'd been doing before he ran into the dugongs. The little doctor smiled nervously at his older self. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to help me look and see if Doctor Hiriluk is around here somewhere?"

 _"Eh? Oh, I already found him, he's somewhere over that way, but more importantly—!"_

 _THWACK! THUD!_

Everyone stared in varying levels of shock and bemusement as Hockey Chopper slammed his hockey stick on his doppelgänger so hard that he knocked him down, a look of fury in his eyes.

"'More importantly'? 'MORE IMPORTANTLY'? _WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN OUR FATHER?!"_

"Geh…" Doc Chop's eyes spun blearily for a moment before they blinked back into focus… and then he slapped a hoof to his face with a miserable groan. "When I'm normal, nothing short of my skills being necessary to save someone's life. But when I'm 'sparking out,' as Cross calls it?" The mad-reindeer withdrew a notebook from his backpack and flipped through it for a second before grimacing regretfully. "Apparently the longevity-inducing properties of the Mists. Ergh…" He pinched the bridge of his nose between his hooves. "I should have waited to start getting excited about this place's application to the Panacea Project until _after_ I was back in my lab…"

"WHAT ABOUT UNTIL AFTER WE FOU—wait, you have your own lab?" Hockey Chopper's face lit up, his fear and anger evaporating like non-eldritch mist. "Lucky! I wish I had my own lab; I have to share the galley with Sanji. He keeps getting lettuce in my petri dishes!"

"Oh, I hate when that happens!" Doc Chopper winced sympathetically. "Oh, or what about whenever Luffy eats our nascent protozoa cultures? I have no idea _how_ he can keep mistaking them for bacon!"

"I've found that dying the cultures blue helps prevent that- although all my streptococcus pneumoniae samples still manage to get contaminated with his saliva somehow, but Jones helps me clean things, so with two of us it's easy enough to remove that from the—" Hockey Chopper stopped and shook his head. "Gah, getting sidetracked, not important, sorry for jumping on your back earlier. Now, quick, before we get sidetracked again! _Where_ did you say you saw Doctor Hiriluk?"

"Ah! Come on! Go in the vial, you stupid—!"

Both Choppers turned to see the very familiar backside of Dr. Hiriluk as he dashed along the side of the ship, desperately trying and failing to waft some of the rainbow mist into a test tube.

"Right here, apparently," Doc Chopper deadpanned.

Hooves clattered across the deck. Tears in his eyes, Hockey Chopper launched himself at the lovable quack, wrapping his little arms around Hiriluk's leg. "Doctor! I'm so happy I get to see you again- I missed you so much!" He glanced up at his father's face with a watery smile. "I haven't been this happy in _forever_ , not even when the Leafs got to the playoffs!"

"Er, ah, th-thank you?" Hiriluk stammered. Hockey Chopper visibly wilted.

"Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry…" He released his hold on the quack's leg, dropping to the deck and backing off. The little reindeer clutched his stick for comfort.

"No, no, little fellow, it's alright. I was just surprised; I never expected to see a little reindeer person out here." Hiriluk bent down to pat Hockey Chopper on the head. "Let alone two. You know, you and your brother remind me of a little reindeer person I know back home. You two should come visit sometime; I'm sure Tony Tony Chopper would love to meet you."

The two Choppers looked at each other. "But… _I'm_ Tony Tony Chopper."

"So am I."

Doctor Hiriluk stared at them numbly for a moment. "That… That's not possible. There can't be two of the same person- two of the same _Devil Fruit_. And neither of you are anything like Cho-pper…" The quack's voice trailed off as he caught sight of the identical hats the reindeer were wearing- hats identical to the one he had given Tony Tony Chopper just recently.

"These mists have some interesting temporal qualities that led to our crews meeting across the barriers of space and time," Doctor Chopper offered. "I was attempting to study their effects on longevity earlier."

"But, but, but…" Hiriluk groped around desperately. "But Chopper isn't a mad scientist. _Or_ a rabid hockey fan."

That earned him a pair of stares partway between flat and curious. "Doctor," Doctor Chopper said slowly, raising an eyebrow. "We're much older than the Chopper you know. We've grown up a lot, and we've adapted with the times." The mad reindeer snorted. "And besides, your Chopper never met Cross."

"Or Jones," Hockey Chopper added, puffing his chest out with pride. "I'll have you know that studying Otherworlders can be quite enlightening."

Hiluluk's eyes took them both in, two reflections of routes that his son had gone before. A scientist and an athlete, both growing into great pirates in their own way. Tears welled up at the corners of his eyes- pride, hope, happiness. Then, slowly, a smile came over his face. "I see… you've grown up so strong."

Both reindeer twitched almost imperceptibly, their eyes taking on an extra shine. There was a brief clatter of hooves as the two Choppers launched themselves at their father figure, clinging to his waist and burying their faces in his jacket. Damp stains spread slowly across the dark fabric. Hiriluk stumbled backwards under the force of the tackle, unable to keep his balance. Eventually, after a few staggered, futile steps, the lovable quack fell into a seated position.

" _ **We missed you so much!"**_ the Choppers bawled. Hockey Chopper sniffled and rubbed his nose on Hiriluk's shirt; Doctor Chopper hiccoughed.

The lovable quack didn't question them. Of course; even if he didn't know the exact moment of his death, he already knew of his own illness. Doctor Hiriluk patted and hugged both reindeer, rubbing soothing circles on the backs of their heads. "There, there… It's alright. A man only dies when he's forgotten; as long as you remember me, I'll always be with you. I'm so proud of you both."

Twin watery smiles beamed up at him. Off to one side, four amphibious mammals slowly edged away. This was a private affair, not for their eyes. Besides, they wanted to see what their teacher was getting up to, and who—if anyone—had come for him. And maybe them.

 **-o-**

"He raced down the mountain, fleeing from the Thunderbird's lair as though his life depended on it- which it did. But the Thunderbird didn't want Man taking the secret of fire, for fire was the source of his power. Great wings beat the air as the Thunderbird chased Man down the mountain, gaining with every second."

"Just before he was captured, Man raced into the forest. He begged the trees as he ran, pleading with them to hide him from the Thunderbird's wrath. But even were the bird himself not so deadly and frightening, Man was cloaked in _fire_. His clothes were slowly burning off, his skin turning red and blistering… Ash, oak, maple, elm- one by one, all the trees denied him."

"All except the slender white birch. When Man came to the birch tree, it accepted him under its branches and hid him from the enraged Thunderbird. Man hid there for some time, until all the danger had passed. Eventually, the Thunderbird gave up his hunt and Man was free to make his way back towards his home. He thanked the birch tree as he left."

"The birch was pleased to be of service, though it had suffered mightily in the effort. Its branches were charred and crispy, its bark streaked with soot and blisters. Many moons passed before the birch could once again stand straight and proud as part of the forest, rather than bent with the pain that wracked its trunk. And even once the birch had recovered- and indeed, to this day- the bubbled, darkened lines remained on its bark, a reminder of the service the birch tree rendered towards man."

Whistling, the younger Usopp rubbed nervously at his nose. "That was awesome! A little short, but still… Wow. But I can do you one better! Wait until you hear the story of…"

 **-o-**

A well-aged dugong sat with his back to a wall of the ship. Around the corner, another dugong of similar age sat similarly. At the corner itself was a bottle and two cups.

Such was the position they had been in for several minutes, occasionally filling and draining the cups, neither saying anything or moving to so much as glance at the other. Finally, as one dugong poured the last drops into one of the dishes, the other one broke the silence.

[You have come a long way, Disciple.]

[Mmph,] Boss née Disciple Dugong angled his head to the side ever so slightly. [I suppose I have. I'd say that I'm not the dugong you left on the shores of the Sandora, but we both know that if that weren't true even the day after you left, I'd be a disgrace.]

[No, no, not a disgrace,] the other dugong hummed, tapping a staff of bamboo on his shoulder. [Merely… a disappointment.]

[Po-tay-toe, poh-tah-toe,] Disciple shrugged dismissively.

[Heh heh, if you say so…] Sifu balanced his sake cup on the tip of his flipper's finger before glancing to the side, his grip tightening _ever_ so slightly on his staff. [So… up for a bout?]

Disciple, meanwhile, didn't even twitch. [Not a chance. I may have almost fifty years on you, but all but three months of that has been in Alabasta, and in those three months, which have been in Paradise, I have already grown stronger than those fifty combined. You, meanwhile, have lived your entire life off of our shores. If I tried to fight you…] Disciple tapped his unlit cigar on the deck next to himself. [I'd be crushed.]

Then… a slight smirk appeared on the camo-wearing Dugong's muzzle. [So, thank you, but I'll wait to kick your wizened ass in the New World.]

Sifu was silent for a bit before allowing a wide smile to spread across his face. [I officially need to include Wadjet in my prayers,] he breathed reverentially. [For her children have granted me the absolute best student I could have ever conceived, even though I never even asked.]

A small girl, pale as moonlight with crimson eyes, scrambled across the deck, followed by a harried man wearing a dragon jacket. He scooped her up before she could climb onto the rails, earning a loud giggle. "Ghin, stop! Put me down!"

"Not until you stop running off like that! You're gonna fall in the sea and drown if you're not careful, and I won't be jumping in after you again. I do it enough for Don Luffy." Ghin lifted the little girl up onto one of his shoulders; she pouted at him and poked his head.

"Liar. You'd never leave me like that; you're too much of a mother hen." A jab into his shoulder, a tug at his ear, and suddenly the little girl was flipping backwards and away while her caretaker winced and rubbed at the assaulted areas. Something—it looked kind of like guilt—flashed across the man's face.

"Tippy, will you stop that? There are _reasons_ I don't want you running off like you did when we were kids, especially in a place like this!" Ghin ran a hand through his hair, looking for all the world like a worried parent. He grumbled the next bit under his breath. "I'm only twenty-seven, but between you and Jones, I already have grey hairs…"

"Bleh!" The little girl stuck out her tongue. "You've grown up into a grumpy old man, Ghin. I always told you that would happen if you kept worrying so much."

"Argh… You little—! What am I gonna do with you?" Ghin recaptured Tippy, holding her more securely this time. Once he had a secure grip on the squirming girl, he looked around at a loss, as if he actually needed an answer to that question.

"I'll lend you a flipper."

Ghin blinked at the raspy voice, and turned to see a strange creature, an upright manatee with a turtle shell. Another, similar one was behind him, looking his way.

[Oh, Soundbite's nearby, that makes things easi… wait a second, I'm not talking.]

Ghin couldn't comprehend the other one's barking, but he could easily comprehend his shock by the dropped jaw and subsequent dropped cigar.

[Sifu, you can talk?]

[Not easily; I learned to speak human, but it's murder on my throat, so I only do it when I have to,] the first Dugong said, before switching back to words Ghin could understand as he gestured to Tippy. "I just came in here to ease my worries about my apprentice. I can see her home if you'd like." He emptied a flask of liquid into his throat as soon as he finished, gargling it with a wince. [Damn the human language and damn it _hard.]_

Ghin and Tippy both blinked in surprise, exchanging doubtful looks for a second before Ghin hesitantly spoke up. "I… thought there _wasn't_ a way out of here? Unless the Mists actually want to let you go, I mean."

"There is always a path," Sifu waved his flipper dismissively, cracking his back slightly as he rose from his seated position. "I just happen to know the right one for this place."

Staring, Ghin turned his head from one amphibious mammal to the other, finally settling his gaze on the one that was a member of the alternate Straw Hat crew. "Can we trust this guy?" he asked with some hesitation.

[Of course you can—!…ergh, can't believe I'm actually reduced to _wishing_ for that damn pest's _help_ …] Boss muttered acridly before settling for giving Ghin his most confident thumbs-up. [I'll let you guys figure this out. Nice seeing you again, Master, and I look forwards to the day we can do this for _real._ ] And with that, he began waddling away.

Ghin and Tippy exchanged dubious glances again before looking at the wall Sifu was behind. "Right, so, how does this work?" the older man queried.

Boss, meanwhile, hadn't gone far before he ran straight into his four apprentices, who were looking as excited as when they had joined the Straw Hats.

[Boss, there you are!] Leo said happily. [So, have you found Sifu yet?]

The senior dugong blinked at his students in surprise. [How'd you know Sifu was the one who came for me?]

[Come on, Boss, who _else_ would you get, that blowhard Lan- I mean, First Mate Dugong?] Mikey scoffed.

[Now c'mon, where is he, where is he!?] Raphey vibrated eagerly. [I wanna jump him, I wanna jump him straight outta the blue, I want the honor of getting pounded by the greatest Kung Fu Dugong to ever kick ass!]

Donny roughly shoved Raphey aside, a pad of paper and a pencil in his hands and a massive grin on his face. [Not before I get my autograph from the greatest staff-user in all Dugong history you're not! Now c'mon, where is he, where is he?!]

Boss cocked an eyebrow at the display before jabbing his 'thumb' over his shoulder. [Right now, he should be—!]

 _SPLASH!_

[Gone,] Boss completed smoothly, not even missing a beat. [Eesh, tough luck, you just missed him.]

[Meenbrl…]

Frowning at the odd sound, Boss refocused on his students and found them, to a dugong, slumped over on their flippers, clouds of despondency hanging over them and tears dripping to the wooden deck from their blank eyes.

[…mmmaybe I should have asked him to stay for a bit…] Boss muttered.

[YOU THINK?!] all four of the TDWS suddenly roared. Boss took a nervous step back; their still-blank but gleaming eyes and eager, toothy grins that totally belied their vocalized anger were just a tad unnerving in tandem.

' _Correction,'_ Boss silently amended as his students began to advance on him. ' _It's_ very _unnerving.'_

 **[We get a chance to meet Sifu Dugong, the most famous fighter of our species,** _ **the driving force behind everything that's happened to us since we started training,**_ **outside of the transcending madness of the New World** _ **.**_ **And because you didn't consider that we would want to meet him, we've lost that chance,]** Donny intoned, his staff in one flipper and a brace of kunai spread in the other.

 **[I was going to fight him,]** Raphey droned, one flipper holding a sai in reverse and the other idly spinning her giga-shuriken. **[I was gonna lose, badly, but by the Sandora itself, I was going to be able to say that I had actually** _ **fought**_ **with** _ **the**_ **Sifu Dugong.]**

 **[And now we can't,]** Mikey stated in an almost _casual_ tone of voice as he slowly and methodically loaded his pistol, clicking it shut before drawing out a nunchuk and letting it swing idly. **[Because of you. You bastard.]**

 **[You're about to regret training us so well,]** Leo said simply, his tongue brushing along one of his katana.

At that moment, for the life of him, Boss would not be able to say that it was an entirely irrational fear that he held from his students.

[…don't suppose it'd help if I said I was sorry?] he offered uncertainly.

 _ **[SUFFER!]**_

[GAH!] Boss howled at the top of his lungs, Rip Tide-ing away from the murderous posse that was suddenly pursuing him at all speeds. [HOW'S THAT FOR FUCKING _GRATITUDE_ , YOU PUTRID GUTTERSNIPES!]

 **-o-**

Banchina cut her sons off with a smile and a gentle cough. They'd been going at this ever since the crews met, their stories growing steadily more outlandish. "I thought you two were going to tell me about the Grand Line, not compete to see who knew the most fairy tales."

"But _mom_ , they're not fairy tales!" both Usopps whined indignantly. "And we weren't competing! Were we?"

The pair looked at each other. Shrugging, the younger rubbed his nose; the elder fiddled with his wristband. "I was just trying to explain how Devil Fruits work; mom's never seen one."

"And I just wanted to tell her about all the cool plants and animals there are on the Grand Line."

Both snipers grinned sheepishly at their mother. "Sorry… Guess we got a little carried away. There's just so many cool things to tell you about!"

Laughing, Banchina pulled both of her sons into a tight hug. "Oh, boys… What am I going to do with you?"

That gave the storytelling snipers pause. Not for long though, as they immediately began talking again. "You could help us decide which legend of Elbaf is coolest?"

"Yeah! And then I could tell you all about the time I defeated a demonic shark fishman who even managed to almost kill Luffy! _And_ Zoro!"

"What?! But Luffy beat Arlong- you're lying! Besides, _I_ can read Luffy's mind and see the future."

"A likely story!"

Banchina rolled her eyes and smiled as the two snipers proceeded to squabble. They segued into stories of their own adventures, so similar and yet so different… She couldn't tell if they were competing with each other to see who had the stranger experiences, or honestly trying to tell her what had happened to them. Either way, she would treasure this moment forever.

 **-o-**

"So… Merry?"

"Yes?" both the ship-girl and the behorned butler said in unison, looking away from their embrace towards their mistress.

"Uh… the young—guh, the _shorter_ one," Kaya doubly corrected herself shyly. "I was just wondering… about this crew that we gave you to. Do you… well, would you have been happier if you'd stayed with me?"

"Uh, Kaya… don't take this the wrong way, but…" Closing her eyes, the caravel sucked in a deep breath and let it out.

"Oh, nothing good ever follows that statement," Merry the butler muttered.

"Look, I'm a ship," Merry stated, opening her eyes. "I exist to carry people and cargo safely across the seas. You would have used me for puttering about that island. Maybe making short trips to neighboring islands if you actually did become a doctor. You'd have loved me and maintained me and I would have been content." At this time, a fire blazed in Merry's eyes. "But being the ship of the Straw Hats? It's been _so much better_ , and I'm not just talking about the journey, which is awesome on its own. My bond with the Straw Hats was and is far stronger than it ever could have been with you; I would have been content to be scrapped rather than…" She shuddered, idly reaching behind her to rub her back before continuing. "Sorry. Ask Franky or my Usopp for that story. My point is, I'm sorry, but fuck no I wouldn't have been happier with you."

The rich girl visibly wilted. "I… I'm sorry," she murmured.

"For what? For asking that? I know you cared for me, and I know what I look like. I don't blame you for asking. For dredging up bad memories? That's not something you could have expected. And if it's for giving me to the Straw Hats…" Merry flashed Kaya what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "Well, if that was a mistake, then that was the best mistake you've ever made."

The last statement made her smile lightly. "What I meant was… for not being able to do any of that for you myself. You were my ship, and I can't do anything for you like they can."

"Miss Kaya," the older Merry sighed, kneeling before his mistress to look her in the eye. "If your ambition is to become a doctor, then that's a grand ambition, and one that you can fulfill in the East Blue. But the crew that we entrusted Going Merry to is full of individuals with ambitions that only traveling through the most dangerous sea in the world can fulfill. The best thing that you could have done is what you did, and we see the proof before us." He looked back at her. "And I don't believe she holds anything against you."

The ship-girl shook her head, smiling lightly. Somewhere above her, a loosely tied knot came undone with a rasping hiss. A thick line fell to drape itself over the ship-girl's shoulders as still-a-ship _Merry_ vibrated and warmed with approval.

Meanwhile, on the rear deck, a blue-haired cyborg sat rubbing his jaw, an action attributable to the soreness that came from it being dropped for too long a period. The reason for that lay beside him, a green-haired mermaid that he knew well. There was just one tiny difference between her and the one that he had grown up with.

The one beside him wasn't yet used to having legs.

"Razza-frazzin split tail and razza-frazzin center of balance…" a _notably_ younger Kokoro grumbled as she rubbed the tip of her bifurcated appendage. She then glanced up at the cyborg with a hopeful look. "You said ya knew an older me, right? Did she ever gripe about any old tricks to getting this whole 'walkin' business down? I could really use them about now!"

"Er…" Franky scratched his steel-plated cranium uncertainly, trying and failing to parse what he was hearing. "I… don't remember anything like that, sorry… ah, wait!" He hastily rallied his thoughts. "A-Are you _really_ not going to question the fact that you're, ya know, in a 'time hellmouth', or that you're meeting someone who says they know you in the _future?!_ I mean, I know, Grand Line and all that, but even _I_ think this is crazy!"

The mermaid gave him a wry smirk. "Kid, lemme tell you something my older self obviously forgot to let slip: Fishman Island is literally the gateway to the New World. In other words, it stands at the very _tip_ of an _actual_ hellmouth. You don't go long living there without becoming at least a little familiar with the craziest that the world has to offer. I mean, sure," She waved her hand dismissively. "I wasn't expecting anything like this when I went out on my morning swim, but all things considered? Not as bad as it could be. Ya get me?"

Franky blinked in surprise, and then slowly nodded. "Yeah… I guess that's a good point," he mumbled. Then, thinking about the version he knew, he glanced down at the bare fins meant to support the mermaid. "You know, Granny Kokoro never said anything about it, but I never saw her without shoes that were pointed at the ends. Maybe that could help?"

Before the mermaid could respond, a door opened from the kitchen, and the subsequent assault of noise drowned out any chance of hearing anything else.

"But I wanna show you the—!"

"Gah! No spoilers!" Two rubber captains bounced out of the galley. The one in the fore had his hands clapped over his ears, which seemed to be doing little to drown out the voice of his loud, eager counterpart.

"We have a submarine, though!" TB!Luffy chased 12!Luffy into the rigging as the latter struggled to escape. The younger captain was still trying to keep his ears covered, so the sight was even _more_ comical than it already would naturally have been.

"Don't tell me! I don't wanna know what happens next- it's not a good adventure that way! Besides, future things are Jones's job!"

As the pair continued on their swinging path through the rigging, a young woman came out on deck and followed them with her gaze. She was smiling, nearly silent, although the air around her was filled with the sound of quiet giggling at the Luffys' antics.

TB!Luffy thought for a minute before his face lit up with demonic malice. "Oh! Okay then- how about something that's already happened instead? Sabo's alive!"

His counterpart paused to shoot him a flat look. "Well, duh. I knew _that_. Sabo met everybody in Loguetown, and he calls Jones all the time to talk about sneaky ninja spy stuff." 12!Luffy's face took on a similar demonic light to TB!Luffy. "Wait… did your crew _not_ meet him? Shishishishishi! Wanna know what he's like?"

"Eh?" TB!Luffy shrugged and picked his nose. "Why? That's your Sabo, not mine. They're prob'ly different anyway. But wait till I tell you about the special comm system Franky built for Cross!"

"I SAID NO SPOILERS!"

"IT'S NOT A SPOILER IF CROSS ISN'T ON YOUR CREW!"

And so the Luffys resumed their awkward chase, through the rigging and over every possible surface of the ship, much to the amusement of the young woman watching them. Although for some reason, she also had tears in her eyes. Happy tears, but tears nonetheless.

"Do you think we should tell him that our Sunny is completely unique and almost guaranteed to be different than what he'll be getting?" Franky asked.

"No way," came another voice, and they looked over to see Sanji emerging from the kitchen as well, laden with bags of ingredients and with a young girl beside him. "That rubber moron puts us through hell all hours of the day. I say we let him suffer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get a look at the dream kitchen that I'll have someday. Reiju, you coming?"

"Of course," the girl responded coolly.

 **-o-**

"…seriously? _Seriously!?"_ I gagged in disbelief. "Ye gods, did the whole nation collectively dump their IQ for 24 hours or something?!"

"I WEEP _for the past,_ **present,** _ **future,**_ **OR WHATEVER TIME THAT IS** _ **TO US,"**_ Soundbite groaned. " _Ya think_ **you-know-who** _ **can make us THE VOICES OF ANARCHY**_ WHEN YOU FINALLY GET BACK HOME, _TOO?"_

"Doubt it," I scoffed, but I hastily reworded matters as I actually thought about it. "…alright, I think it's _capable_ of it, but I doubt it _will_. If we tried pulling what we do here back home, the ones running the show might break out the nukes. We could _literally_ cause the end of the world."

"… _you're trying to threaten me WITH A GOOD TIME,_ **WHY,** **exactly?"**

I shot him a flat look. "So you're saying you _want_ to be at ground zero of the technological equivalent of a Raigo?"

And _that_ turned him white. "GOOD TIME GO _bye-bye,_ _ **shutting up now."**_

"I'm not sure if it's reassuring or disturbing that your standards for chaos stop at 'fuck the world'," Lee dryly stated. "But yes, I was screaming the whole time as the election proceeded. And then Carrie Fisher died as one final 'fuck you' from 2016."

"WHAT?! PRINCESS LEIA'S DEAD?!" Jones fell over backwards in shock. "When—? How—? Crisse de calice de tabarnak d'osti de sacrament de trouvvierge!"

Lee sighed and bowed his head, suddenly looking far older than forty-six. "Yeah… it was in December. And while I remember something about her being strangled with her own bra, I don't think that's what actually happened."

" _Her own quote ON HOW SHE WANTED_ _ **to go,"**_ Soundbite sighed regretfully. " _ **TRUTH IS…**_ **yeah, all signs point to heart attack."**

"Ah, geeze…" I grimaced, rubbing the back of my neck with regret. "Well, that's all kinds of sucky right there isn't it? Moment of silence, then?"

" _EVEN I'LL SHUT UP FOR THAT,"_ my partner in anarchy nodded solemnly.

And so we all bowed our heads, adopting a respectful silence for the great actress…

"Ohhhh yeah, _veeeeeery_ nice. But I see your 'flying island' - which I _still_ call bullshit on, by the way - and raise you… The homeland of the dragons! And this one's not even on the Grand Line! Whaddaya say to _THAT!?"_

"Aaaand of course, One Piece won't accept no broodin' bullshit from no one," I sighed as we were interrupted a mere seven seconds later. I twisted around in place to eye the source of the noise. "Okay, what's _this_ little sideshow about?"

The source, as it turned out, were the two Namis butting heads - literally, they were pressing their foreheads together - as they pointed at a set of maps and tried to incinerate the other with looks alone. Sitting cross-legged on the deck next to them was Bellemere, who was looking mighty amused by the whole display.

"I say that that's impressive for something that nature made," TB!Nami hummed, a 'content' grin on her face as she unraveled yet another chart with an air of triumph. "But let's see you pull out anything showing a manmade island that rivals Water 7."

"Water—is that a giant fountain?" 12!Nami asked, her smug calm slipping just enough to betray a flash of awe before she hastily recomposed herself. "Wow… that _is impressive…_ but… I'm not sure it beats _Clockwork_ Island," she finished, producing her _own_ chart.

TB!Nami's jaw all but slammed into the deck as she ogled the chart. "How… bwa… I might not know architecture, but I _know_ that that has got to be structurally impossible," she managed to get out.

"I won't deny that, I _still_ don't understand how it works," 12!Nami grinned wide enough to put the Cheshire to shame. "But I _assure you_ that it is completely real!"

"Riiiight…" TB!Nami stated as she examined the map. Then she frowned, jabbing a finger on a specific spot. "What is that?"

"… That's a whale," 12!Nami deadpanned, giving her counterpart her best 'You're a fucking idiot' glare.

"Okay… And why is there a whale in your ocean?" TB!Nami leaned in a little closer. "Scratch that, why are there a _bunch_ of whales in your ocean?"

"Because whales live in the ocean?" 12!Nami stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and to be fair, it was pretty close to it. "Why, what do you put in your open waters?"

TB!Nami promptly clammed up, but she couldn't stop her younger self from glancing at the map of Water 7.

"Doodles," she said, a grin widening on her face. "And not just any doodles, those fantastic animal doodles we made when we were _eight_."

"I have seen _every single one of these animals!"_ TB!Nami protested just a little too loudly, her cheeks flushing indignantly.

"Really?" Bellemere perked up with a grin that was equal parts eager and teasing. "Can I see?"

I could practically _see_ Nami's eyes defaulting to blue. "Uh…"

"Is it just me," Lee remarked as TB!Nami frantically tried to politely say no _to her own mother_. Needless to say, all she succeeded in doing was flail about. "Or are they not only arguing over stylistic differences, they're arguing over stylistic differences that don't even _remotely_ affect the quality of their maps?"

Apparently so, and seeing my Nami this completely flustered was quite the treat.

There was a tremendous… bouncing thud a second later as a pair of Luffy's fell from the rigging, one having tackled the other. 12!Luffy clapped both hands over my Luffy's mouth, glaring at his counterpart with comical anger. "Shut up already! I said no spoilers!"

"Mrph mmm mph—!"

 _CHOMP!_

"YOW!"

My Luffy had bitten 12!Luffy's hand in order to break free, which did nothing to make their squabbling any quieter or less funny. He then turned the tables on his younger counterpart, tackling him across the deck. The pair were about to roll into the duelling Zoros when a quiet voice cleared her throat.

" _Ahem_."

I blinked as a familiar figure stepped onto the deck, but my surprise didn't last long; her showing up made just as much sense as Ace or Sabo.

"Luffy and Luffy, weren't you two about to tell me about the giant whale that ate your ship?" Makino asked.

"OH, YEAH!" Spoilers and violence forgotten, two rubber captains bounced over to the barkeeper with eager grins on their faces. Makino wandered over to the rail and sat down; the Luffys followed her like ducklings and flopped on either side of her to tell stories about Laboon.

"Heh. Nice to have someone who knows just what to say to calm Luffy down," I remarked.

"While I'm inclined to agree, Cross…"

"Hm?" I glanced up and noticed both Robins wandering by our group, both keeping an eye on the meeting of the Monkeys.

"I was rather expecting Ace, or that second brother you mentioned," older Robin hummed inquisitively as she analyzed Makino. "Who is she?"

"Huh? Oh, her! Her name's Makino," I explained with a careless wave. "She's a bartender from Luffy's hometown, closest thing to a mother all three of them had growing up. One of the kindest people I ever saw in the story, to boot."

Robin nodded, a wistful… but for some reason melancholic smile on her lips? What the—?

"Hey, older me?" young Robin piped up, drawing all attention. "If everyone's family is showing up…" She dipped her head uncertainly. "Does that mean that our mother could be here, too?"

I realized the significance of Adult Robin's smile as it dropped and her eyes widened at the possibility, looking suddenly nervous.

"Yeah, Olvia is probably around here," I piped up with a casual wave of my hand. "And knowing our luck and her skill? I'd be willing to bet that she is currently—!"

 _CLICK!_

I grimaced miserably as I sloooowly raised my arms over my head, only just fighting my instinct to glare over my shoulder at the white-haired… _woman_ I _knew_ was right there. "…standing right behind me with a gun to my head. Seriously, what is _with_ you Nicos and threatening interdimensional immigrants?!"

"Must be your winning personality!" Lee called out, looking thoroughly unperturbed at my mortal peril. The jackass. Seriously, I was gonna find a way to make him—!

 _THWACK!_ "GAH!"

"Enough talk," Nico Olvia snarled in a notably unhinged tone as she shoved the barrel of the gun she'd pistol-whipped me with into my neck. "Here's what's going to happen: I'm going to take that ship—" And here she jerked her head towards the Merry _aw hell no._ "And whatever supplies are on it. But before that…" I felt the iron barrel press into my neck. "Who the hell are you, and how did you detect me?"

"Robin?" I called out, my tone indicating barely restrained outrage. "Either Robin? Would one of you mind getting your _deranged mother_ off of me? You know, before I abandon what few self-preservation instincts I have and do something that will get you _really_ mad at me?"

"Eh, Lee's got this," the younger Robin said nonchalantly as she walked up to us. For a long moment, she stared up at Olvia.

"Uh, hello? Gun to my head?!" I demanded. "Lee, get off your ass and get your damn kid to _help me!"_

"Like she said, I've got this," Lee replied, still grinning like the smug bastard he was. "See, Olvia, you pull that trigger, and two things are going to happen." I blinked as The Catalyst sprang into being. "First, your gun is going to explode in your hand, filling it with metal and wood fragments. And then, I'm going to light your lungs on fire from the inside." His grin widened a few molars. "Believe me, it's not a pleasant way to go, choking on smoke like that."

Everyone stared at Lee; even Olvia and adult Robin were staring at him in naked—! Oh, wait a second.

 _THWACK!_ "GAH!" Olvia grunted in shock as I rammed my elbow into her gut, followed by my reaching over my shoulder, grabbing her arm and flipping her over my shoulder onto the lawn, the impact jarring the gun loose from her hand in the process.

"God bless Zoro for kicking my ass on a daily basis," I sighed in relief, before glaring bloody murder at Lee's _smugly_ grinning ass. "And god damn _you_ for taking the convoluted route, asshat!"

"Dontcha mean _Uncle_ Asshat?" he smirked back with a tilt of his head. "And besides, I meant every word; you were in no danger, and I know you get off on that sort of thing."

"Phrasing!" both Robins called out, before glancing at each other and giggling.

I scowled at both the reaction _and_ his little self-entitling before grunting as I was forced to fight against a furiously scrabbling Olvia's attempts to free herself. "Hilarious! Now if one of you two would help _bring your paranoid bitch of a mother back to reality!?"_

"Er…" Robin the Tyke frowned nervously, most likely realizing the severity of the situation as she knelt before her mother and waved her hand in her face to no great effect. "I'd like to, but… what's… wrong with her? Does… Does she not remember me, remember _us_ or—?"

"No, I highly doubt that…" the Older Robin reassured her younger counterpart, albeit with an uncomfortable frown. "If I had to guess, going by the situation we're in and the situation she's _been_ in for who knows how long now, I'd say… she's probably gone into an extreme survival mode. Essentially, she's imposed a form of tunnel-vision on herself that blocks out all else but her mission and her survival instincts."

I frowned sympathetically, even as I redoubled my grip on Olvia's arm. "Personal experience?"

My Robin gave a terse nod before allowing herself a calming breath. "And due to that experience, I know that it's going to take something very jarring to—"

 _ **BWAAAAAAAAAH!**_

I blinked blearily as my head slowly stopped ringing, and I became aware of Lee saying… _something_ that was indiscernible to me due to the fact that even if my skull no longer felt like a bell, my _ears_ were still putting up a decent act. "WHAT?"

He rolled his eyes and ticked off his fingers for a second before repeating himself, just as my hearing cleared up, at least to the point where I could parse his words. "I _said,_ 'One of these days, Xom, you're going to need to learn to keep your fucking mouth shut'."

"WHAT DID I DO?!" I snap—er, make that _roared,_ my volume control was still a bit shot.

"Sesehihihihi!" a suddenly-present Jones snickered at my side. "For once, it's actually not his fault. And just so you're aware? I've _always_ wanted to do that."

Lee and I _made_ to respond, but then trailed off with a tired sigh and defeated groan, respectively.

"You don't have a good response to that statement either?" Lee said, shaking his head.

"Not a one," I shrugged dejectedly.

"And if we're all quite done," Young Robin groaned as she rubbed her ears. "Can we get back to _helping my mom?"_

"If you mean 'help me put them in an early grave', I'd appreciate it," Olvia groaned into the lawn.

I blinked as I considered that little statement before getting off of the proto-Revolutionary's back. "I _think_ she's sane again. Though I won't apologize for the consequences if I get _another_ gun in my face."

"You _think?"_ Young Robin said, skeptically eyeing her mother as she stood. " _I_ think I want a second opinion. Lee?"

"Hmm…" the man hummed, stroking his beard. "Even odds either way, I'd say. That's the sanity rate of everyone else I've ever met who's like this."

I noticed Young Robin's eyes tear up and her lip quiver, and I stepped aside just as Olvia got the presence of mind to blink in confusion as she parsed what had been said. "Wait… 'mom?' Who are you—?"

"MOMMY!"

The woman then had to brace as the younger Robin slammed into her midsection, gripping tight and sobbing into her shirt. Olvia blinked a couple of times, before the older Robin knelt beside her, face in shadows.

"To be as brief as possible, time does whatever it wants here. Space is the same. Her name is Nico Robin. She is your daughter," she said quietly, before raising her head, unshed tears glistening in her eyes. "As am I."

Olvia took in the figure before her, as well as the one crying in her arms, and the identical features and voice to hers. It was only a few seconds before she pulled the other woman into an embrace, holding both versions of her daughter close to her and sobbing in bittersweet joy with them.

Honestly, it was almost enough to bring tears to my eyes, but Lee was walking over to me, looking concerned.

"Yeah, she needed this," he said, his concern not slipping a bit. "And… I'm kinda worried about that. How many people will want to bring their loved ones with them, or stay behind to help?" He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "I know I'd have trouble resisting."

"Under 'normal' circumstances, as much as that word applies in a situation like this, I might be, but there are two big reasons why we don't have to worry about that. First, there's a certain bastard looking out for me, and I doubt it would let its fun end because of something like a paradox."

Lee looked like he'd bitten into a lemon, and I smiled lightly as I continued. "And second, as much as it must be nice for them to be with the ones they're meeting here…" I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "They'll still want to go back to the ones they have waiting outside of the mist. Really, when it comes down to it, do you think even one person here would be willing to subject their younger selves to missing out on the happiest years of their lives?"

"… Point," he conceded, a smile creeping onto his face. "I know Shizuka would never let Robin stay here and make her lose her pranking buddy. She'd probably spontaneously appear just to drag her back."

As I made to respond, something landed on the rail beside me with a heavy thud, making me jump back in surprise as I turned to face them. Brown fur, black and white feathers, a familiar spotted jacket—

I had Lassoo aimed at the otter and vulture that had just appeared beside me in under a second, and they made it abundantly clear that the feeling was mutual: Miss Friday's machine gun was armed and ready, and Mister Thirteen's shell-blades were drawn and tense. And then, for a few long minutes… none of us moved. Which was… _definitely_ different. And it wasn't the only thing off, either.

There was something not right here, and with the barrier between dimensions currently being made of Swiss cheese… I raised Lassoo up into a resting position as I took a better look at the animals that had landed beside me.

"You're… not our Unluckies, are you?" I divined.

"Eh? What was your first clue?" The otter held up a sign as he spoke in a _very_ Canadian accent, his words echoed by immaculate handwriting. It seemed to be his usual method of communication, judging by the way hearing his new voice caused him to start, tail fluffing out. His vulture companion hissed and puffed up her feathers.

"Besides the fact that our versions of you two ditched those digs and upped their arsenals two islands ago?" I shrugged as I let Lassoo drop to the ground. "You're not exuding an aura of pure murderous intent."

" _Going by how you sound…"_ Soundbite mused. " **Different birthplaces?"**

"That depends. Aboot where're yours from?" This time Mister Thirteen was halfway through writing his sign when he remembered he didn't need it. Capping his pen with a snap, the otter folded his arms with a scowl.

I grimaced as I yanked my collar to the side and indicated the 'souvenirs' our Friday had left me in Alabasta. "Kuraigana. Trust me, it shows."

 _That_ got some actual emotion out of the furry fricks. Namely, they jerked _hard,_ their glasses going askew enough to reveal how they were staring at us in naked shock."…How the ever-loving _fuck_ do ya hosers still have your skin?" the otter asked numbly.

Soundbite, of course, responded with a taunting snap of his maw. " _Why dontcha try your luck_ **and find out,** EH?"

 _That_ got them bristling and hastily snapping their eyepieces back into place. "Don't mock my accent, ya hoser! Or I'll slit ya like a helpless bedlamer!" The otter's eyes flashed dangerously. "And I _always_ get my man- even if he's just a snail."

"Not the last four times I checked," I smirked tauntingly. Because really, why miss the chance to sling some shit at my worst nightmares?

"AND THOSE WERE THE _KILL.0 MODELS!_ **Do you** _ **really**_ **wanna test THE LUCK OF THE** _ **VANILLA?"**_ my companion concurred.

"Why, you little—!" Thirteen snarled, starting to go for his blades.

I spread my arms invitingly, one of them straying down towards Lassoo. "Bring it on, you wannabe-Moun—!"

" _OYOI!"_

 _ **WHAM!**_ CRASH!

"…did anybody get the flavor of that Sea King?" I moaned blearily.

" _ **Rubber BABY**_ **buggy** _bumpers I think I'm gonna be siiiick,"_ Soundbite slurred.

"It's sad enough that you railroaded your versions of those two into anything resembling nemeses, Xom," Lee's somewhat muffled voice came from behind me. "Maybe _avoid_ repeating the mistake?"

"In my defense, mine were evil son-bitches from the word go…" I got out as my vision cleared enough to see the Catalyst pulling back a fist, the other cradling its face. Sonnuva bitch must have punched me in the head.

Jones, meanwhile, came over to stand by the Unluckies, fingers buried in feathers and fur. She was _petting them?!_ What gives? And then she started crooning at them as if they were a pair of cats or something- those were tiny assassins, not pets! "Shh, calm down. It's okay. Cross is just an idiot; he didn't mean to offend you. And the snail's just a baby and doesn't know any better."

"…Fine." Mister Thirteen put his blades away with a huff and leaned into Jones' hand. Miss Friday wasn't nearly as affectionate, standing stiff as she fixed me with a beady glare. But at least she had put her gun away.

"Before you guys get into a glaring contest," chuffed Lassoo, changing to his full Zoan form from where I had dropped him nearby. "How about some alternative entertainment? Pretty sure Sanji has some fresh crayfish he could cook up for you, if you want."

Mister Thirteen and Miss Friday looked at each other, then back to Lassoo. The vulture fluffed her feathers. "Would he have steak and eggs too?" she asked after a long moment, her voice creaking like pines in a high wind.

"Of course."

"Then we accept." The pair hopped down off the rail and followed after Lassoo as the dog-gun lumbered off towards the galley.

 **-o-**

After the Unluckies left with Lassoo, I silently excused myself from Cross and Lee's presence. I needed a walk, needed to clear my head. Why? I wasn't sure, exactly. Just that, despite my antics with the foghorn, I was suddenly _not_ in the best of moods. I think maybe I was a little jealous…As everyone was reuniting with their loved ones all over the Thousand Sunny, a heavy was feeling growing in my chest. It distracted me. I didn't notice someone was approaching me until I'd practically walked into them, twisting out of the way at the last moment when I caught a glimpse of pale blue hair.

"Sorry, your highness."

"Actually, Jones, you're just who I was looking for." The princess smiled at me. Oh. Not _my_ Vivi, then. "Look, I know you're probably not too pleased with me- and after spending ten minutes with the version of me you've had to deal with, I understand completely- but I was wondering if you'd consent to a friendly spar. No powers, no Ruatha or Carue- just our weapons."

That- actually sounded like a lot of fun. Still, while my Vivi had been getting better as of late, I was slow to trust anyone who shared her face, at least in terms of motivations relating to myself. "Sounds great, but why?"

TB!Vivi's eye twitched; her fingers tightened around chains I could've sworn she wasn't holding a moment before. "Because, to reiterate, I just _met_ with your version of myself in all her suicidally naïve glory, and as a result I have an _incredible_ amount of frustration with that girl, and I'm guessing you do too. This way, we can work off some of the shared tension and _my_ newfound self-loathing before one or both of us does something we regret that will most likely land _me_ in intensive psychotherapy with my Chopper for a _month_."

Well, that was a pretty good reason. I nodded and shifted back into a fighting stance. "Sure, then. Let's go."

"Excellent." And just like that Vivi was racing towards me, her Lion Cutters starting to spin. I automatically blocked her first strike as I rotated into a round kick, only to have the chain wrap around my forearm. The blade itself continued around and drew a shallow line across my clavicle, carried by its momentum. And while I got in a decent kick at Vivi's side, making her wheeze and stagger, this left me in a very bad position.

Namely, I was trapped.

Bringing my foot back down and planting it, I heaved back on the chain with all my might. This brought Vivi flying towards me. Normally, having my opponent's center of balance would've been a good thing. But before I could _do_ anything with it, I saw a second chain swinging around towards me- and my tug had given the princess' attack extra momentum. I scrambled to draw one of my sais and get it up to block; it was ripped out of my hand a second later, flung across the deck by whipping chains.

"You're strong," Vivi said as she regained her balance. "But slow." The princess spun her second Lion Cutter at me again, forcing me to duck at the last second. I barely made it; the strike clipped the brim of my hat and knocked it off my head.

"And you're quick, but if I get a hit in… TAI!" My abrupt switch from speaking to a kiai startled Vivi into taking a step back. This wasn't great for me, since her weapons gave her a longer reach, but it didn't matter much- her Lion Cutter may have trapped my arm, but that meant she couldn't go very far from _me_ either, not unless she wanted to give up that potential advantage.

Of course, I didn't _just_ kiai; that would've been stupid. As Vivi was stepping back, I drove in with a three-level punch- face, throat, sternum. The princess dodged the first two, but the third caught her. Even as she wheezed, though, she took the opportunity to entangle my free arm with her second Lion Cutter. I growled. This close in, I couldn't get off a decent kick, and now mobility in my arms was severely limited. Damn flail weapons… How was I supposed to counter their ability to wrap around everything? I'd never learned techniques for _that_.

Well, there was nothing to lose by screwing up here- that's what sparring was for. So I dropped my weight and rolled backwards, shoving my feet up into Vivi's stomach as I fell. The princess coughed and flipped over me with the force of my throw, as had so many sparring partners in the past- and then kept going with a dancer's grace, coming to her feet with a slight stagger, her face an inch from the mast. Then she reversed, rolling back towards me to plant a foot on my stomach before I could get up. It didn't hurt, but it left me in a very awkward position.

"Yield?" she asked, stepping to the side to let me breathe and answer. My crazy grin appeared with a hissed inhalation.

"Sesehihihihihi! Not even close!" It hurt my shoulders- they weren't supposed to bend _quite_ that way, especially under pressure- but I heaved on the chains again, forcing Vivi to roll down and across. I used the momentum to twist to my feet. The princess came up with me.

A flick of Vivi's wrist freed one of my arms, plus her corresponding Lion Cutter. The princess sliced down on an angle as I drove in with a reverse punch; the chain wrapped around my shoulder, bruising, while the blade stung my lower back. Once more, my punch made Vivi wheeze and stagger. I pivoted on one leg, heaving on my still-trapped arm, desperate to get the princess into position for a good kick. Only, I'd forgotten that doing so only gave her more momentum to use in her own attacks. Cold metal wrapped twice around my throat, the blade coming to rest at my spine with another slight sting.

"How about now?" Vivi's voice was practically right in my ear. I reached up stiffly to tug at the chain around my neck. No slack whatsoever, although it wasn't exactly tight either.

"Fine. I yield."

Steel links unwound from my windpipe. Vivi stepped back, looking slightly worn and ruffled, but quite pleased. "Thank you for that. I feel somewhat better now…" she trailed off before sighing despondently. "For all that wanting to merely throttle my duplicate is an improvement over wanting to scalp her, but still, thank you."

"No problem." I examined the shallow cuts I'd gained, but none of them were in need of immediate attention. Satisfied, I turned and raised an eyebrow at the princess. "Now, if you don't mind me asking- why didn't you use that Sovereign Will thing on me the first time? You could've made me surrender immediately."

"Two reasons." Vivi brushed a few loose hairs back into place. "One, I _did_ say no powers- that goes for me as much as for you, even if mine aren't from a Devil Fruit. And two… No, I couldn't have. Sovereign Will requires that you _respect_ me in order for it to work, and seeing the version of me you've had to put up with, I highly doubt that's the case."

"Well, in that case, you'd be wrong." I retrieved my lost sai, slipping it back into place beside its mate. Vivi shot me an incredulous look.

"You respe- _how_? I was only with her for ten minutes and she was acting like- just _how_?"

I shrugged. "After some of the people I've known, it takes a lot to lose my respect. And even if I don't agree with her, I understand at least part of where she's coming from. It hurts a little, but I'm used to it. Plus I know you're one of the strongest versions of yourself- emotionally, as well as combat-wise- to exist in the multiverse, so I might do what you said even without Sovereign Will. _Might_ \- I don't like taking orders. Buuut anyways…" Here I let my grin take over again. "Up for a round two? I'd like to play around a bit, see if I can figure out some counters to your Lion Cutters. I've never had a chance to fight someone who uses flail-type weapons before. Plus I've been in the mood for a good fight or six ever since a certain armoured idiot and I got chased across the wild blue yonder by the giant Nemo slayer."

Vivi hesitated before shaking her head with a smile. "As much as I would like to oblige, I should probably be getting back to my mother. I left her with my counterpart in the hopes that it would help the latter adjust, but…"

"Understood. I hope you enjoy the rest of your visit with your mom." I bowed- and then automatically snapped a salute when I straightened. Since the first motion was Japanese in style, and the second British, I assume I looked rather silly. Vivi certainly thought so, stifling a giggle at my actions.

"Thank you, Jones. And I hope you enjoy getting to see your…" She trailed off, uncertain. I waved her off.

"Don't worry about me. Just having everyone together like this is enough. Interesting, fun, makes my friends happy- what more could I ask for?"

"If you're sure." Vivi stared at me briefly before making her way back towards wherever she'd left Nefertari Titi and my own princess.

Happy and loose after my bout with Vivi, I wandered over and flopped down back near Cross and Lee, where they were looking over the various scenes with contented smiles. Watching them together made me frown as I came to a slow realization. "Hey… If you're _both_ here… When's the third member of the Cross-Brain showing up? Shouldn't he be around somewhere?"

Both turned to look at me- Cross with shock, Lee with amusement.

"Well—"

"Third?! Cross-Brain?! What?!"

Grin now even wider, Lee waved his hand. "No, go ahead, Xom, get it out of your system."

"Where do I even start!?" he sputtered, eyes wide in shock. "The fact that I actually _have_ a second friend as good as you, or the fact that we've actually managed to stick together long enough that we've actually got a group name going!? Are… we sure we're not talking about some freaky _adjacent_ Earth me or some— _GAH!"_ Cross suddenly started clawing at his skull with a growl of agony.

"I don't think that's ever going to get— _YOW!"_ Lee blinked, rubbing his temples.

Then, just as swiftly as their fits came over them, my seniors swiftly relaxed, albeit with far-off looks in their eyes.

"…two things," Cross deadpanned, his eyelid twitching menacingly. "First, one day I _will_ find a way to shove that omni-everything bastard's mobius loop of a skull inside his fourth-dimensional ass. And second… I, one of the biggest Leeroy Jenkins in the history of fiction, have a cowriter named _The Patient One._ I've been on these seas almost a year, and _I_ think that's insane."

" **Seconded,** _and I've heard MORE INSANITY_ SINCE I MET YOU _**than most people ever do,"**_ Soundbite said in the same tone.

"Yes, you do have a cowriter named The Patient One. And he milks that name for all the puns he can produce," Lee stated, just as flat. "As for BROB, if I ever find that asshole I'm going to give him a FOOF enema. Still…" The older Stand-user rubbed his chin contemplatively. "Assuming his plans went through, he was inserted into Yu-Gi-Oh!, and I wish him good luck."

"Oh." I felt a twinge of disappointment. It would've been _awesome_ to meet _three_ of the greatest fanfic writers from when I'd been reading. About to apologize for bringing it up, I froze as the disappointment was followed up by another, stranger sensation. It felt like someone was standing behind me, close; I could feel warmth at my back. And arms… Like someone was hugging me from behind. Except it didn't make me feel anxious, for once. Instead I felt protected. Wanted. The feeling faded slowly, leaving me confused… and wishing a little for its return.

"One more thing," Lee continued, holding up a finger. "We have _how many_ favorites and reviews?!"

"IS IT _**over 9000?!"**_ Soundbite chortled.

Cross wound up to dopeslap his partner's shell…

"Eh, with enough time…" I grinned as I waved my hand back and forth.

And _there_ was the pole-axed look I'd been looking for. "That popular?!" he choked out, and I noticed Lee being equally attentive.

"Put it this way," I spread my arms demonstratively. "You're the _Sword of Shannara_ of the One Piece fandom!" I waited and… jack squat. I matched their blank looks with one of my own. "Seriously? I thought you guys were readers."

"We are!" Cross protested before coughing sheepishly. "Just… not in this case, you know?"

"Ditto, though in my defense the world I was punted into was divergent enough that I doubt it had that book either," Lee shrugged indifferently. "So what's the significance of that reference exactly?"

"Well—!" I started to explain.

" _Massively popular novel_ **that proved that THE FANTASY GENRE HAD WORTH** _ **beyond Tolkien's Lord of the Rings,"**_ Soundbite fell silent for a bit… before scowling irritably at our dumbstruck looks. " _HEY, I CAN LISTEN AND GET USEFUL_ INTEL OFF THE INTERWEBS! **I don't do it often, sure,** _**BUT IT HAPPENS!"**_

"Yeah, once in a blue moon when pigs spontaneously grow wings and _fly_ over Satan skating to work," Lee snarked.

" _AS I SAID,_ **not often,"** the little pest shrugged, inasmuch as he could. "OH, AND BY THE WAY? _**The scouts**_ _are all COMING BACK."_

"GIVE IT A REST ALREADY!" Boss's voice roared out of nowhere. I looked around, and saw him coming to a stop on a far side of the ship. The TDWS appeared a moment later—and I dreaded to ask what in the world Boss had done, because he and they were effectively re-enacting Jurassic World's raptor scene, only those four were glaring him down with the kind of sadistic anticipation that I'd only seen in the story before the crew starting beating down Oars while he was stuck.

"I'd suggest begging for mercy, Boss!" Cross called over with an ill-hidden snicker.

"A REAL MAN NEVER BEGS FOR HIS OWN LIFE!" the wizened dugong roared indignantly.

 _SHINK!_

He then froze as he found Leo's blade stuck clean in the middle of his face. "He does, however," he amended calmly. "Know when to perform a tactical retreat." And with that, the Dugongs fell into the water, kicking up a frothing mess around the Sunny and Merry the Younger.

"Fare thee well, Boss," Cross saluted the poor bastard sarcastically.

" _I AIN'T DEAD YET, YOU SONNUVA—_ GAH!"

"No, but you will be soon enough…" Cross snickered, watching the bash go on for a bit…

 _BOOM!_

Before glancing up with interest as a few of the wrecks in the distance started to shift, some from explosions and others from sliding apart. "Ah, looks like Chopper and Zoro are on their way back."

"Guess they must have found Hiruluk and Kuina," I deduced. "Wonder if Johnny and Yosaku are with them."

"Oh, so you dropped in early enough to pick up the cleaver twins?" Cross asked with interest. "Huh, bit cliché, but I don't doubt you're making it work. Good for you."

"Actually…" I leaned back against a rail and tilted my hat back out of my eyes, the standard 'cowboy about to tell a tall tale' pose. "I dropped in just before the Baratie. Have you not seen Ghin wandering around? Between his overprotectiveness, and Johnny and Yosaku's… being themselves, it was like getting an older brother and two younger ones in the space of a few days…"

 **-o-**

High above, the rigging bounced as two silvery foxes chased each other along the lines, snapping playfully. Chattering calls sounded as the mother-daughter pair bounded along the ropes. Meanwhile on the deck, a slightly more grounded reunion was going on- only _slightly_ more grounded, seeing as the young women getting to know each other were a pair of literal angels.

"AHAHAHAHAHA!" Conis wiped tears of mirth from her eyes. "I can't believe Father managed to do _that_ to your wedding cake!"

Serra smiled beatifically as she tapped the tip of her parasol on the lawn. "Really, dear, is it _so_ much harder to believe than what you told me about him blowing up the bathroom when he refused to call a handyman?"

"…No, I guess not." The younger angel shook her head with a bright smile. "It's Father; I shouldn't be surprised. He'll knock his own beard off one of these days."

The older angel chuckled. "Even so, if he ever decides to bake you a cake, ensure that he remembers the difference between cinnamon and cumin."

An indignant squawk interrupted the pair's story exchanging; not far away, two more women were glaring at each other so intensely it almost seemed they had lightning crackling in between them.

The redhead took a challenging step forward as she snarled at her white-haired opponent. " _What did you just call me?_ "

"You heard me, Government _Dog_. There's no such thing as an ex-marine," the taller woman sneered. "We're lucky these mists are impenetrable to normal acts of time and space, otherwise you'd turn us _all_ in."

"My daughters are on these ships, you Void-hunting bitch! How dare you suggest I would do _anything_ to harm them! GRAH!" Bellemere bellowed furiously as she swung a wild punch at Olvia; the archaeologist slid around the blow, a dark glint in her eyes _promising_ pain.

The sight dragged a pair of exasperated sighs from Conis and Serra. On the opposite side of the irate pair, another woman had the same reaction. Nefertari Titi shook her head as if she were regarding a pair of naughty toddlers before sending a significant glance Serra's way. The elder angel rose, shooting her daughter an apologetic look. "Just a minute, Love. Let me see if I can get those two to pipe down."

Serra approached Bellemere and Olvia with her hands raised, a sign of peace. They paused in their squabbling to frown at her as she came closer. "Ladies, this is supposed to be a happy day. Please stop fighting- you'll worry your daughters."

The response was… _less_ than peaceful.

"Shove it, ya filthy pirate!" Bellemere shot an obscene gesture Serra's way. "I don't wanna hear about worrying family from some floozy who took off when _her_ daughter was barely out of her diapers."

"That's the one thing we _can_ agree on," Olvia sniffed. "At least _my_ only crimes were being literate and having my own opinion."

Well, that was just—! Serra struggled to hold onto her temper. Opposite her, Titi sighed again and rolled her eyes. The queen approached Bellemere from behind as the ex-marine turned to snarl something at Olvia, motioning discreetly to Serra as she did so. The angel nodded and moved so she was slightly behind the archaeologist.

"There's a _reason_ you're not supposed to hunt those stones, you—!"

 _THUNK!_

Skull met skull as Titi and Serra slammed the combatants' heads together, the argument dying a brutal death as Bellemere and Olvia both keeled over with pained gurgles, their blank eyes indicating a distinct _lack_ of consciousness.

Titi turned to Serra with a smile and granted her a graceful bow. "Thank you for your assistance, ma'am."

"No problem, Love." The angel grinned and dusted off her hands. "Honestly? It was just like being back on the Jackson. It feels like we have to solve a problem that way every hour on the hour."

Titi hid a snicker behind her hand as she righted herself, an impish glint in her eye. "Funny, I was about to say the same, only in regards to the last Reverie I attended."

Serra's grin widened as she held her elbow out to the queen. "Oooh, please _do_ tell."

Titi eagerly hooked her arm with the pirate's and the pair started to walk off…

"Mrgh…" Bellemere groaned as she started to sit up, rubbing the latest goosebump she'd accrued. "This is why I _hated_ the damn Royal postings…"

 _THWACK!_

Though not before the handle of Serra's parasol _accidentally_ swung into the Marine's cranium, dropping her like a sack of potatoes.

 **-o-**

"Other me, can you pass the garlic?" 12!Sanji called over as he rifled through the Sunny's cabinets, making a face as he processed what he'd just said. "Never thought something like _that'd_ be coming out of my mouth…"

"Sure thing. And me neither." The twin cooks were just finishing up dinner, their older/younger sister sitting on a stool watching them. TB!Sanji had just tossed 12!Sanji a garlic bulb when the door creaked open behind them. Heavy boots thudded against wood.

"Hey… Older, less shitty Shit Cook, can I talk to you for a bit?" Ghin leaned against the counter beside TB!Sanji. Both cooks huffed- their domain was _sacred_ , couldn't the war dog at least _wash his hands_ before he touched everything? But the elder nodded as he carefully tossed an immense Caesar salad.

"Sure, I guess. What about?"

"Jones said you were the one who saved me, in versions where she wasn't there. Mostly just wanted to say thanks, on behalf of the me from your world. Although… I'm kinda surprised not to see him here."

"Ah, don't worry about it," TB!Sanji waved him off indifferently as he flipped the contents of a frying pan. "He's doing well enough for himself- found his own shittier captain to serve. Though last I heard, he was pissed at the guy for stealing his credit over punching out a Celestial Dragon."

A dark grin crossed Ghin's face; he managed to tilt his head at just the right angle to make his _headband_ shadow his eyes. "That so? _Good_. Those bastards have it coming, and more. If I could take out every last one of 'em… Although I guess that means yours is one step ahead of me. Figures." The older pirate let out a huff of laughter. "Ah, well, I'm sure I'll catch up soon enough."

Pushing off the counter, Ghin wandered back out of the galley. He waved over his shoulder before slamming the door; 12!Sanji shook his head, but said nothing.

Reiju smiled at the sight. "You've made some good friends, Sanji. Both of you. You're happy here, aren't you? More than you could've been at home?"

The Sanjis looked at each other. "This _is_ home," they said in unison. "This, and the Baratie. Nowhere else."

"Oh. That's good. I'm proud." Hopping off her stool, Reiju was at the counter before either of her brothers could blink. "You were always too good of a person for Father; these pirates deserve you more. And you're even a decent cook now." The little princess reached out and absconded with a small spoonful of pudding before skipping out of the room. Both Sanjis stared at her, aghast.

"Reiju, wait! That's for dessert!"

"You're supposed to eat your vegetables first, you little—!" The cooks both gave up the fight with defeated sighs as they shook their heads. It was no use; Reiju wasn't going to listen. She never had. But she loved them, in her own strange way, and even after all these years, they still loved her too.

"Alright, we should probably start moving these out; they'll be kicking a party off any second now." TB!Sanji suggested.

"Tsh, damn right," 12!Sanji nodded sagely. "I can already hear Luffy shouting at the top of his lungs: 'Sanji, food!'"

"Did someone say 'food'?" both Luffys said in unison, one at the door and the other at a porthole. The Sanjis rolled their eyes as they picked up various dishes and brought them out on deck.

"Yeah, yeah, we're coming. Keep your hats on."

"We always do! What's that got to do with food?"

Someone—likely the Choppers and Usopps—had dragged a bunch of tables together on the deck to use as a buffet. The Sanji's set their precious burdens down, then turned in unison and punted their captains across the Sunny when the Luffys tried to jump on the food.

"Wait until the ladies have a chance!" TB!Sanji shouted.

"And preferably everyone else too!" was 12!Sanji's addition.

To their credit, both Luffys backed off and waited until the food was placed on the tables before quite literally diving in… though thankfully, by that point the Sanjis were prepared and the duo slammed face-first into their boots, prompting the quartet to fall into a brawl.

Reiju stood to the side, watching the exchange with a raised eyebrow. "Well, _this_ is certainly a new sight."

"Not for me it isn't," Makino giggled to herself. "Luffy and his brothers fought all the time."

Reiju's expression fell flat. "So did Sanji and his," she muttered melancholically, before she donned a fond smile. "I'm talking about the fact that he's actually holding his own."

Makino blinked at the young girl in surprise, but she swiftly gave her a kind smile. "Well, as nice as that is, I'm afraid it won't last long if he's standing between Luffy and food, so let's get some while we can. Shall we?"

"No need, I saw this coming a mile off," Reiju waved the bartender to the side. "I hid a stockpile of food while Sanji and Sanji were cooking. Care to have some?"

Makino took one look at the throng of people surrounding the small banquet before following the young girl with a beaming smile. "I'd love some, thank you."

The two headed for the kitchen, but paused as they saw the crew's ship-girl emerge with a large bowl filled with what looked very much like a trifle.

"Hey, how come _she_ gets dessert first?" Reiju questioned, drawing everyone's attention. Most of the TB!crew just gave a glance before going back to what they were doing, but most of the rest seemed indignant.

"She has a point," 12!Sanji said. "I can understand serving the ladies first, but—"

"It's not a dessert, it just looks like one," Franky grunted as he piled a plate high, holding it out of reach of his crew by dint of his outweighing most of the crew by half. "And it's not even _edible_ unless you were born a ship, so unless you want your stomach pumped, keep away from—"

"Fos?" A white dragon hatchling jumped up on Merry's shoulder and shoved his muzzle into her dish. The ship-girl let out a squawk of surprise. Ruatha was gone before she could do anything to him, tumbling down and across the deck while his scales turned a sickly shade of green. An instant later, the dragonet was retching over the side. "GYACH! Krastov! Hyech, hyech!"

"…Merry's food," Franky groaned as the dragon began coughing, prompting Jones and both Choppers to rush over, one in alarm, one in exasperation, and one in exasperated alarm.

"What is it, _poison?"_ Reiju asked.

"Assorted cloth, oil, and pitch," TB!Sanji deadpanned. "Like Franky said, gourmet for a ship-girl, inedible for anyone else."

Reiju and everyone who wasn't of the TB!crew blanched, and Sanji turned to his counterpart. "…OK, even I have to draw the line here. How do you make something that looks and smells so delicious out of cloth and oil?"

"With a lot of practice and help from some of the world's best shipwrights," TB!Sanji responded with a miserable grimace.

"And he has had a _lot_ of practice!" Merry hummed happily as she started to suck down her distinctly _unappetizing_ confection.

Mikey promptly shoved his plate back into place with a distinctly green hue to his face. "Aaaand just like that I've lost my appetite."

"Speak for yourse~elf!" Robin the Younger grinned as food was piled higher and higher on her plate, Pompeii's patchwork arms reaching out to grab Mikey's discarded plate.

"Wait, wha—WHAT THE HELL!?" Franky blurted out as he noticed that not only was the tyke skimping off the top of his plate, but so too was a certain meteorological tentacle, belonging to a certain navigator. "Aww, c'mon, you too, Big Sis?! Don't you girls have first come first served privileges!?"

"What can I say?" TB!Nami grinned as her Eisen Tempo piled her food into her hands. "Somehow, it just tastes better when it carries the spice of theft! Aaaall the sweeter!"

"I'll eat to that," Robin the Elder hummed pleasantly.

"That's the ide- _HEY!"_ TB!Nami barked as she noticed an autonomous limb swiping food from her _own_ plate.

"All's fair when you're a pi~ra~te," Elder Robin sang cheekily.

"Why, you—!"

A short ways away, Nico Olvia was watching with no small amount of bemusement as an indignant cyborg tried to fend off the thieving efforts of both her younger daughter and a meteorological-controlling navigator, who herself was duelling with the thieving hands of her _older_ daughter.

The rebellious archaeologist watched the exhibition for a few seconds longer before slowly tilting her head to the side in confusion. "How the _hell_ am I seeing this while I'm still sober?"

"My thoughts exactly!"

Olvia's blaring instincts prompted her to spin on her heel, bringing her face to face with…the label of a bottle? Her unasked question was answered when she noticed that said bottle was being held up next to the grinning and flushed face of a certain mohawk-bearing Marine.

"Bellemere," she greeted coolly, confirming with a glance that the angel and queen nearby had their attention on her before glancing back at the Marine. "I see you managed to find where they keep the liquor?"

"Not like it was hidden anyways!" Bellemere snickered before shaking the bottle in a tempting manner. "More importantly, seeing as you were just griping about being too sober, wanna fix it?"

Olvia gave the Marine a look of sheer disbelief. "I thought your opinion of me was that I was a, and I quote, 'Void-hunting bitch'."

"Oh you most definitely are, no question!" Bellemere agreed wholeheartedly, her smile wavering an inch _._ "Which makes it all the more important that I get you drinking!"

The Oharan's eye twitched as she tried to process just what she was hearing. "I beg your pardon?"

The Marine's grin took on a taunting overtone as she shoved it in her rival's face. "No way in _hell_ can I let myself fail in a contest of livers against a reckless idiot like you. We Marines have _pride!"_

Olvia cocked her eyebrow in a decidedly unimpressed manner. "And?"

Bellemere's smile changed to a grimace as she glanced in the direction of the 'peacemakers' that had broken them up, and who were still eyeing them even now. "Aaaaand I've already had _three_ concussions today. This seems like a good way to avoid a fourth while still trying to show your scrawny ass up."

Olvia's eye twitched yet again, only a lot more violently. Her eyes flicked from Bellemere to Titi and Serra, and then to the display at the buffet table; her daughters were still using their powers to snatch up food, and thoroughly enjoying it. She took a moment to appreciate the smiles that they had before turning back to the Marine, and accepting the bottle.

"Fine, then. But all bets are off if either Robin asks me for something," she said.

Bellemere's smirk widened tauntingly. "That's the one thing I can respect about you. Now put up or shut up, or are you too chicken-shit of a bookworm to—?"

Olvia cut her off by snatching the bottle out of Bellemere's hand, knocking it back and draining it of its contents in a matter of seconds a few decisive gulps. Once she was finished, she pinned the Marine with a firm glare as she shook the bottle out. "You're looking at the results of spending the better part of half a decade on the run, bitch."

Bellemere blinked at her in surprise for a moment, but she swiftly rallied in favor of donning an ecstatic grin as she raised her own bottle in a toast. " _Now_ we're talkin'! Let's have us some _fun!"_

As it became clear that there was no danger of them acting up, Titi and Serra were able to relax and focus on more enjoyable things- namely, their daughters and the defense of their dinner. Titi and Serra both turned their attention to the buffet table, their daughters coming up alongside them. Smiling, the elder angel picked up a set of chopsticks along with her dinner. "Oh! I know a delightful party game we can play with these!"

"Really?" Titi picked up her own set, staring at them questioningly. "I've never heard of such a thing. How do you play?"

"Like this!" Serra promptly stuck the chopsticks up her nose, settling the other ends on her lower lip to create a bizarrely stretched smile. Conis blinked at her in shock for a moment before dissolving into a giggling mess as she grabbed up another pair of wood and started to imitate her mother.

TB!Vivi glanced at her counterpart with a sly smile. "Come on, Mother; we do it all the time." So saying, the elder princess retrieved her own utensils and stuck them up her nose. Titi stared a little longer, then shrugged.

"Well, I suppose it can't do any harm." Much to the horror of her younger daughter, the queen joined in as well. And was soon having a lot of fun, dancing around with chopsticks in her nose, arm in arm with the others. 12!Vivi stared as if the other women had all grown extra heads.

"You… wha… _Mother!"_ she yelped indignantly, "I realize that my _alternate_ might have grown… _uncouth_ in her exile—!"

"I'd like to politely tell you to _shove it,_ other me!" TB!Vivi grit out through her rictus grin, a vein prominently throbbing on her brow.

"But _we're_ still civilized, so could you… _please_ not do that? It's undignified, and it looks painful." 12!Vivi shot a scowl in TB!Vivi's direction. Titi laughed.

"Of _course_ we can talk about something more ladylike if that's what you'd like, dear. So… Are there any cute pirate boys either of you have your eye on? Hmm?"

"Ah! I think I stabbed myself in the sinus!" 12!Vivi yelped as she hastily jabbed a chopstick at her nose. Her eyes were wide and her face was flushed red. "How do you fit these in without doing serious injury?"

"Or are you still waiting for that nice boy back home? What was his name again?"

Frantically looking around for an out, her eyes alighted on Cross and Lee, who so far had been standing back, away from the carnage and looking thoroughly amused by the whole scene. "Uh, would either of you like me to get something for you?" she desperately asked.

Cross' only response was to raise his Vision Dial and snap a picture, while Lee- was suddenly holding a full plate of food?! What?! But ho- oh, right. "Stands are precisely as bullshit as advertised, aren't they?" Cross asked offhandedly.

"B-rank speed is very nice," commented Lee as he took a bite. His face immediately lit up. "Oh my God, this is so good…"

Upon seeing a number of women with chopsticks up their noses, the Usopps and Choppers let out little yelps of glee. Soon there was a pair of snipers dancing around arm in arm, wooden utensils on proud display. The Choppers were slightly slower to join in, although that was only because they paused to show Hiriluk how to shove _his_ chopsticks up his nose without hurting himself. Banchina didn't rise to join the dance, but even she had chopsticks up her nose almost as soon as her sons did. She'd probably learned it from her husband.

"Alright Big Bro!" Johnny and Yosaku raced in a second later, taking their places on either side of the linked Usopps to form a chopstick kick line.

Fuming, the Sanjis glared around at the spreading epidemic, unable to decide who to kick first. "What's wrong with you shitheads? Can't you just sit down and eat like civilized people for _once in your shitty lives?!_ "

"Big Sis Serra started it!" Johnny yelped, a small leap dragging his end of the kick line further from the irate cooks. Both Sanjis froze, unable to comprehend the idea of an angelic woman being the leader of the so-called 'shitheads.'

Smiling, Reiju snuck up behind her brothers, making them jump when she announced her presence with a cough. "Relax, Sanji. It's all in good fun- enjoy it." So saying, the tiny blonde girl snatched her own pair of chopsticks off the buffet table and stuffed them up her nose. Both Sanjis were too flabbergasted to do anything.

Off to one side, the Zoros leaned back against a rail, Kuina sitting in between them. No one, not even the Luffys, dared try and steal from the little girl's plate while she was under the fond eyes of the twin swordsmen. Munching thoughtfully on a carrot, Kuina looked from one Zoro to the other.

"You've come a long way since we were little. I'm proud, even if you still have a long way to go." The little girl sighed heavily. "I'm glad you talked Father into letting you have Wado after… She wouldn't have been happy hanging on a wall."

"Of course. I couldn't just let—!"

"It wouldn't have felt right to—!"

Both Zoros stopped suddenly when they realized they were talking at the same time, their ears turned slightly red. When neither of them resumed speaking immediately, Kuina smiled. "I know. That's why I'm especially glad it was _you_."

"It's still not right…" 12!Zoro grumbled. "You should've been here the whole time, giving the shit cook hell with me."

TB!Zoro nodded. "Even if we fulfill your dream too, it still doesn't… We'll never know how strong you _could've_ been, whether you _could've_ made World's Strongest Swordsman."

"Hey! If either of you can, I can too!" Kuina's eyes flashed. "You know what I think? I think that when you die, you'll find your versions of me waiting for you. I'll keep training in the afterlife so when we meet again, we can have our duel. Even if I can't be the greatest swordsman in this world, I'll be the greatest in the next one."

The Zoros each placed a hand on one of Kuina's shoulders, chuckling. "We'll see. After all, to earn that title—"

"You'll still have to beat us."

With both Zoros thus distracted and Ghin off somewhere with Tippy, there was no one to tell either Sanji off for wolf-whistling when an unfamiliar—and rather attractive—woman appeared in the midst of the chaos. Not that she paid them much attention at first. Smiling broadly, the newcomer waved at Kaya and Merry, who were off on one of the rails. "Thanks for letting me borrow the shoes, Hun. They fit great, and it sure helps my balance."

"Don't mention it." Kaya smiled. "And they look lovely on you."

"Who's that?" 12!Sanji breathed to his counterpart. "She's gorgeous!"

"No idea." The smoke from TB!Sanji's cigarette morphed into little hearts. "So, she's not on your crew, then?"

"I thought she was on yours. Must be someone's older sister or something."

The newcomer finally seemed to notice that the cooks were talking about her- and she didn't mind one bit. Sauntering over, she slung her arms over both their shoulders and hung between the Sanjis with a slight giggle. "Aww… Are you boys staring at my butt?"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Well, at least one of you's honest. Go right ahead; I'm kinda proud of it, and just looking don't hurt anyone." The woman winked, causing both Sanjis to flush bright red. "And don't worry; I'm nobody's sister, so you won't have to worry about any angry brothers getting on your ass."

"But if you're not someone's sister," 12!Sanji wondered. "And you look too young to be anyone's mother… Who are you?"

"Name's Kokoro. Apparently I'm here for Franky; my future self raised him or something. Interesting boy."

TB!Sanji paled noticeably. He froze as Kokoro continued to hug and giggle. "I am… _so_ conflicted right now…"

"Really?" his counterpart mumbled dazedly. "Why's that?"

"Trust me when I say, you don't want to know." And with that, he slunk off back to the food table, muttering something about a man's dream and dugongs.

"IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME, SANJI, I'M A LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT!" roared a ballistic seal-turtle hybrid as he shot across the deck, snagging a few strips of meat from the buffet table before blurring out of sight again. A moment later, the TDWS came into view; despite their ever-murderous appearance, they were panting a little.

"Dang it… we're slowing down," Leo growled.

"The hell we are. Hit the caffeine!" Mikey declared, shooting forward and snagging a mound of chocolate from the table, scarfing it down, and vanishing.

"Damn it, for once the nunchuk numbskull's right!" Raphey snapped, grabbing a sugary treat of her own off the table. "Sugar for energy, GO!" And with that, the dugong shoved the pastry down her throat and _also_ blurred out of sight.

Donny and Leo hesitated with their own choices of 'food', glancing at each other uneasily. "…this is gonna _suck_ later, isn't it?" Donny deduced miserably.

"Yeah…" Leo nodded grimly. "But at the least, we're gonna make _**him**_ suffer first, so bottoms up!"

With that, they each downed a can of the unholy brainchild of Franky's cola and Chopper's adrenaline serums that they had simply named 'Monster.' A second later, the pair seemed to start vibrating in place. From the perspective of everyone else that is; Donny and Leo had a very different view. Namely, from what I could get out of their insensate mumblings after the fact? To them, the world suddenly _froze_. Even sound- while they could understand each other perfectly, everything else seemed like a low, senseless roar. And when they moved, they didn't blur away from the viewing parties; they simply vanished.

 **-o-**

"Thank goodness we only had two cans of that stuff," Franky muttered, eyeing the starry-eyed Luffys who were staring at where the two Dugongs had been a moment before, then picking up the cans and surreptitiously heading for Chopper's lab.

"I'll second that," I nodded, flashing back to the last time Luffy had gotten ahold of an adrenaline-inducing solution and promptly shuddering in bowel-voiding horror.

So… much… _goulash…_

A thud beside me drew me out of my thoughts; Jones had returned, vaulting over her Luffy's arm to land beside me. Ruatha was perched on her shoulder once more, looking no worse for wear despite what he'd tried eating. Little dragon must have a stomach of iron. The dragon mother sat down and portioned out food for her hatchling before getting started on her own dinner. A soft smile, much different from her earlier grins, grew on her face.

"It's nice to see everyone so happy. I'm glad… This will at least give everyone a little closure." Her voice was quiet, and a little… sad?

It took a second for things to ping for me, but once they did I adjusted my place in my seat so that I could lean forwards and get a clean look at her. "Hey… Jones?" I started tentatively. "I… geeze, can't believe we forgot, but… do you… want to slip out real quick? Just, I dunno, do a quick circuit of the place? With Soundbite's range, I'm sure it wouldn't be that hard to find-?"

"No point." Jones shook her head promptly, her expression unchanged. "There wouldn't be anyone out there."

"Hey, come on-!" I started to assure her.

"Really, they're not," she pressed on, a slightly melancholic smile coming across her lips. "If anyone I used to know was coming, we'd know by now. My friends weren't exactly masters of stealth, and Great-Grandpa… Imagine Garp, but German. I haven't heard or seen any signs of _anyone_. They're not out there."

I did my best to hide a grimace as I considered who she had and, more specifically, _hadn't_ included in her list of possibles. "Ah, geeze, Jones…"

"I-It's fine, Cross, really," she assured me, a renewed kind of energy coming into her smile. "For a while I was… _resigned_ to the idea that maybe no one was coming for me at all. But I've been thinking about it, and I think… I know better now."

"Seriously?" I perked up eagerly, casting surreptitious glances left and right. "Well that's great! Who is it? Is it someone he-?"

Out of the blue I was cut off… by Jones poking me in the dead center of my forehead?

"You, moron," she snickered, her tone indicating that she meant that both with and without the comma. "I think it was supposed to be you. Weird, I know, we- we'd never met before- but it's the only explanation I can think of for…" She trailed off, waving a hand at the two crews surrounding us with joyful chaos.

I blinked at her numbly before running my hand through my hair with an exasperated laugh. "Ah, _geeze,_ Jones… way to put pressure on a guy…" But, just as swiftly, I gave her a wide grin. "But hell, way to make him feel special too. And seeing as that's the case!" I clapped my hands and rubbed them together. "Seeing as that's the case, I might as well act the part by asking the essential question!" I leaned in to give her an inquisitive smile. "How's life on the Blue Seas been treating you?"

"Like a goddamn chew toy," she answered swiftly, not even a _hint_ of hesitation in her voice. "Everything seems to be out to eat me, all my plans get flipped on their side, even fights that should be easy aren't what I thought they'd be… But maudit, I'm having so much _fun_." She broke off for a moment, staring into space. "I could've died a number of times already- could die tomorrow, for all I know. But you know what?" Here, her mad grin returned with a vengeance. "If I do, I'm taking the _whole_ _ **fucking**_ _Grand Line_ down with me."

 **-o-**

I slammed my fist into my palm to emphasize my words, releasing a small, harmless shockwave from the impact. Ruatha chirped in agreement.

Beside us, Cross was… oddly silent for a long moment. His expression blank as he stared at me, and I could tell that… _something_ was churning in his head.

Finally, he folded his hands on the table, and pinned me with a _hard_ look. "Jones," he stated firmly. "I want you to do me a favor, alright?"

"Eh?" I cocked my head to the side in confusion, Ruatha following my example. "Sure. What is it?"

"Keep going. No matter what, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts… you keep going, alright? Because… you can make it, understand? I can see in you the exact same kind of guts that are in me. The _exact_ same will to succeed. And I want you to know… when you reach the top? When you hit the top of the world… we'll be there. We'll be there, waiting to welcome you with open arms… because you have _earned it._ And because we know that you can _make it._ "

Whaaaa…? My brain momentarily ceased all function. No one had ever… The next thing I knew, Ruatha was tumbling off of my shoulder as I launched myself forwards. I collided with Cross in a hug that probably would've been _painful_ without my fruit, clinging to him for all I was worth. Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes; I hid my face against his shoulder so no one would see them. "Thank you… Just, thank you…"

I felt another body press against my back, arms wrapping around the both of us. A thick beard tickled the top of my head. Lee. He didn't say anything; he just hugged.

And then there was a third presence as well, though not physical, as the warmth from earlier returned. An invisible force that made me feel safe… What I would give to be able to find the source. It felt like… love?

I don't know how long the… four? of us were in that position, but when Cross and Lee pulled back, I saw pretty much everyone looking at us. Some in shock, some in confusion, and some in approval. And of the ones in the third category, the two Luffys were the most notable with their D-shaped grins. A second later, they moved in unison, raising a pair of mugs. Within seconds, everyone onboard had joined them. The captains were clearly on the same wavelength at this point, as they spoke in unison as well:

"To the craziness of the Grand Line that brought us here, to the best meat we've ever had—"

I _wanted_ to feel exasperated at that, but with two Sanjis in the kitchen? Yeah, it was worth mentioning. Especially the bacon.

"—And to our friends from another world, and all their shenanigans!"

Suddenly, Lee had a mug in his hand, and was holding out another pair towards us via Stand. Which was still freaky, by the way, but it didn't stop us from taking the mugs.

" _KANPAI!"_ both Luffys declared in unison.

" _KANPAI!"_ was the unanimous response from everyone surrounding us.

Cross and I exchanged bemused looks, before we both grinned from ear to ear and slammed our mugs together.

" _KANPAI!"_

 **Cross-Brain AN: Now, for clarity's sake: Jones, Ruatha, and the alternate Straw Hats are from another One Piece SI called** _ **Twelve Red Lines.**_ **Its author, Vikingr, graciously collaborated with us on this chapter, and we would like to extend our thanks.**

 **Vikingr AN: As I would like to extend a great many thanks to the Senpais for allowing me to work with them. I'd never collaborated with anyone on a fic before; this was a good learning experience and a lot of fun.**

 **Xomniac AN: For the record, Cross's words at the end? They're** _ **exactly**_ **why we chose to write this omake, because upon reading the first few chapters of** _ **Twelve Red Lines...**_ **well hell, we just** _ **knew it**_ **to be true. We might be the up-and-coming kings, but that doesn't mean we can't go ahead and name our heir.**

 **Hornet AN: As for Lee, as you might have guessed he's from a JoJo SI of my own that's currently still in the planning stages.**

 **Patient AN: The same goes for the Yu-Gi-Oh! SI mentioned above. Now you have something else to look forward to when we go on our hiatus. Oh, yes, and one more thing: regarding the canonicity of this omake? Think of it like Omatsuri: a couple of lasting effects, but unlikely to be mentioned again in the story.**


	58. Chapter 51 - Thriller Bark Pt 5

**Chapter 51**

 **Xomniac AN: Sorry for the massive delay, people, this just didn't wanna be written! And hey, look: posted from France! Woot!**

 **Patient AN: Credit to the Ego for the planning of the chapter-long fight. Credit to the Superego for the writing of the chapter-long fight. And… well… I guess I may have helped some, too?**

 **Hornet AN: We apologize for the relatively short length, but we refuse to stretch the chapter, and honestly, I think you'd all prefer getting the chapter ASAP.**

My first thought upon waking was _'Owwwwwwwwww…'_ My second was… non-printable because of the stream of omni-offensive profanity that spewed from my metaphorical mouth, a sliver of it actually managing to claw its way out of my throat. It was only with my third thought that my brain decided to get its shit together and 'helpfully' inform me that I was still alive. My natural response to that, of course, was to stir and attempt to sit up, only to feel a familiar pair of hooves still my movement.

"Easy, easy," Chopper said in a somewhat loud but _definitely_ fear-choked whisper. "I just finished packing and bandaging that wound in your side, I'd rather you not spill your intestines all over the ground… again."

 _SMASH!_

The Spark of Genius cast a fearful glance up and to the side as the sound of _something_ getting smashed somewhere else rang out. "Also, really don't want you inadvertently provoking the shadow-wielding psychopath."

I followed his gaze up to a solid wall of dirt, then further up to a roiling mass of _black_. Right. Moria. Awakening. And in other news, _owwwwww son-of-a-biiiiiiitch!_ I curled up, trembling from the mother of all gut-burns, and it was several seconds before it subsided enough to crack an eye open at Chopper. "What'd I miss?" I whispered back.

Chopper let out a miserable snort and shook his head as he started working on an injured Rolling Pirate, one that I couldn't help but notice was practically cut to ribbons, and much more importantly, one of a whole _hell_ of a lot of them that were lying around us in the… trench? Yeah, I think it was a trench, earth was ripped up around us but it was still a—

Right, Chopper speaking, focus. Though, there was something odd about the dirt…

"Not much," the reindeer grit out as he worked on patching the allied pirate up. "It's just that, ah… h-he basically made every shadow around us become… _tangible_ at the same time. After that…" He shook his head. "Yeah, I don't know the exact specifics and I doubt anyone could follow it. Just, one second there was absolute _chaos_ and the next the ground was ripped up and Moria was stalking around attacking anyone he could find!"

"And we haven't run yet _why,_ exactly?"

"Because of _that."_

I followed the doctor's hoof, found he was pointing at the mass of black that extended above the dirt wall's edge, and paled as I realized that it wasn't just writhing black, it was a shadowy and fully mobile _thorn hedge_ , one that would have made even Maleficent herself applaud.

And it was then that I realized something else, something that had been bugging me and made my stomach practically fall out of my ass. The trench was too bright. There was _no shadow_.

"…that's a damn good reason."

As another thunderous smash sounded out, noticeably further away than the first one, I turned to look at my partner, who was shivering within his shell. "Soundbite?"

 _ **"**_ _ **Come out, come out, wherever you are~!"**_

I shivered at the distinctly _unhinged_ voice that washed over me, rife with sadistic glee. "Ooookay, did _not_ need to hear that."

 _"_ _Wasn't me…"_

You can damn well be sure that I stiffened at _that_ little whisper. "I beg your pardon?"

Soundbite poked his quivering eyestalks out of his shell to give me a panicked look. "IT'S THE SHADOWS… _THE SHADOWS THEMSELVES are speaking with him!"_

Well, that was a thing. "Okay, so, before I go completely catatonic from _totally justified mind-rending terror_ …" I blinked, realizing I didn't actually know what Moria was doing. "Actually, hang on. What _is_ he doing, exactly?"

Chopper hesitated briefly, but then hung his head with a weary groan. "Well, seeing as your guts aren't in any danger of falling out right this moment and no one else is going to keel over if I don't get to them immediately… it'll be easier if I just show you."

And with that, the Zoan-doctor helped me get to my feet—not an easy feat given how it felt like I had a freaking red-hot _rod_ through my side—and helped me make my way up the slope of our trench. Once at the top, we peeked over the edge and beheld… well, _hell._

It's… hard to come up with a better name for it, really. Imagine the war-torn fields of No Man's Land that arose in World War One: barren plains crisscrossed with trenches and blown all to hell and back. What I saw was that cranked to a 100: the trenches were less purposeful structures and more gouges that had been ripped open in the earth, and the eviscerated remains of the long-deceased covered practically every square inch of the scarred ground.

And what better to complete an image of hell than a _devil_ stalking the field of the damned?

It was a _little_ hard to tell what Moria's _exact_ mental state was at the moment, seeing as his back was to me, but going by how his foot was encased in a colossal spiked boot made of shadow that he was using to stomp one of the trenches flat, it wasn't hard to guess the gist. The fact that he was twitching like a tweaker and laughing like a loon was also _kinda_ a hint.

Aaaand then there was the _song:_

 _ **"**_ _ **All the little bugs Hiding in their holes~ Should come out to play!"**_ Moria crooned in the wispy Voice of the Legion he'd adopted, before suddenly snarling as he _tripled_ the rate at which he was smashing his shadow-encased foot into the ground. _ **"OR ELSE I'LL TURN YOU ALL TO PASTE AND BE DONE WITH YOU!"**_

I gurgled miserably under my breath at the display of literally _insane_ violence. "And nobody's tried to put him down yet _why,_ exactly?"

"Weeeell…" Chopper dragged out with a grimace. "First off…"

 _ **"**_ _ **SKREEEEEOOOOONK!"**_

Chopper was cut off by a very sudden and _familiar_ roar splitting the air, prompting both us and Moria to snap our heads around.

Turns out that either Chopper was an even better surgeon than we thought or Franky was better with his designs, but either way the end result was the same: A fire-belching robotic Tyrannosaurus Rex that was back on its taloned feet, barreling towards Moria like a runaway sea train.

 _CHOMP!_

And that then proceeded to sink its fangs into Moria's neck like a rabid Sea King.

For an intense and… somewhat confusing minute, I felt hope at the sight of a fellow… human? Let's go with 'sapient' being, being devoured by the king of all lizards.

 **"** **Useless…"** Soundbite whispered in terror.

And then that hope was cruelly extinguished by 'Moria's' pitch-black head suddenly rotating a full 180 degrees to unveil the rabidly-grinning face of a Doppleman, which let loose an ethereal cackle as it grabbed the instantly panicked cyber-dino's throat and held it in place.

"He keeps doing _that,"_ Chopper gulped, shivering in place. "And then… there's the _others."_

Before I could question what he meant by 'others', I was answered by _two other_ shadow-men rising from the shade around the dino-borg's feet. The trio of umbral marauders all howled with maddened glee and raised their unnaturally taloned hands. And then…

 _ **"**_ _ **SKREEOOOOOR**_ _RRRGghgghhhhr…."_

 _ **"**_ _ **KISHISHISHISHISHI!"**_

"Oh, _fucking hell!"_ Gagging, I ducked my head back into the trench, fighting to keep my bile in check. I'd heard the words 'ripped limb from limb' plenty of times over the years, but no way did I ever expect to actually see it in _action!_ "How the hell is he doing that?!"

"A complete psychotic break for starters, but I'm fairly certain the fact that he was almost certainly a sociopath of the highest order to begin with doesn't help," Chopper droned in a dead voice muffled by the dirt he'd buried his face in.

"No, I mean _literally!"_ I hissed frantically. "Moria only ever showed the ability to produce a _single_ Doppleman out of his _own_ shadow! Even if he _could_ make more than one, they'd have to be smaller from division of resources! How does he have more than one of that thing that are at full size!?"

 _"_ _Devil Fruits are bullshit, Awakened Devil Fruits make mere bullshit their bitch?"_ Soundbite replied in my voice.

"What are you—ah," I finished lamely as I recalled exactly _how_ this whole shitshow had started. "You're… certain he—?"

 _ **"**_ _ **Beyond the MACRO-**_ UMBRAKINESIS HE'S SLINGING, YOU MEAN?" my partner in slime snarked. He then shuddered and lowered his eyestalks. _**"I… I heard it happen.**_ **And lemme tell you, ON TOP OF WHAT WE ALREADY DID TO HIM?"**

 _ **"**_ _ **Come out, little buggy-bugs!"**_ Moria's voice floated through the air. _**"COME OUT SO THAT I CAN RIP YOUR SKIN OFF WITH MY FINGERS!"**_

Soundbite shivered in terror. _"In case it isn't obvious,_ **he's gone chair-leg savaging, carpet gnawing, baying-at-the-moon** _ **bonkers."**_

"Fucking…" I groaned, dragging my hand down my face. That done, I shoved my mind into gear. "Alright, first things first: roll call, who's still conscious and who's down for the count?"

"Vivi, Carue, Merry, the TDWS, and most of Lola's crew all went down with you in the opening attack," Chopper answered with a grimace. "I treated them first, but they already took too much damage in the fights before this; they won't be waking up anytime soon. Conis got hit pretty hard, too; I'm pretty sure that Su's the only thing keeping her awake at this point."

 _"_ _Franky has plenty of fight left_ **, but he's out of cola,"** Soundbite picked up. " _ **Lassoo and Funkfreed are playing dead**_ **in their weapon forms** _at different spots, which is the only_ THING THEY CAN DO SEEING AS _**THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF**_ **THE KILLING FIELD!"**

 _"_ _The rest of us are ready to fight,"_ Robin's voice came in softly. _"Unfortunately, however, everyone aside from Usopp and myself are dealing with varying degrees of weariness from the fights up until this point, especially Luffy, Zoro, and Nami."_

I grimaced miserably as I ran the numbers. That was half of our crew out of commission, and while we still had the Monster Trio and Boss, it did a fat lot of good for us when Moria had a seriousface _killzone_ going on around him.

Still, priorities. "Alright… not necessarily _good,_ but it's better than nobody…" I sighed heavily, flinching at the sound of Moria smashing _another_ trench flat. "Next, before we do jack—!"

 _ **"**_ _ **Hmm… what's this~?"**_

I froze as Moria suddenly spoke up, a distinct tone of menace undercutting his otherwise serene (if insane) query.

 _ **"**_ _ **None of the bugs want to come out and play? Well, if that's how it is…"**_

A slight rustling noise drew my attention, and my gut _froze_ when I noticed the thorn hedge keeping us penned in beginning to shift.

 _ **"**_ _ **I'LL JUST SQUASH YOU FLAT RIGHT NOW!"**_

"We need to move, now!" Not waiting for a response, I grabbed Chopper and began _sprinting_ down the trench. "Before he floods the trenches with thorns and turns us all into slurry!"

"Wait, Cross, if I move these guys—"

The reindeer-man cut himself off with a choked gurgle when the tip of a thorny vine began to poke through the soil of one of the trench walls.

"That is a _great_ plan and I will get right on it!" Chopper yelped, suddenly shifting into Heavy Point. " _HEY, MORIA, HEADS UP!"_ Reaching into his pouch, he grabbed and flung a vial at the rabid Warlord. "CHERRY BLOSSOM!"

A glance over the edge showed Moria turning a bloodshot glare on the vial. _**"Pest,"**_ he rumbled dismissively, a Doppleman popping up to swat the glass—

 _FWOOSH!_

 _ **"**_ _ **GWAH!"**_

Only to yelp in shock when he and a _lot_ of the field was suddenly consumed by a pink haze.

"HAZE!" Chopper concluded victoriously, standing proud for a second. After that second, he promptly shrank back down and shot me a frantic look. "Alright, he's distracted. Now what do we do!? We're still trapped!"

"Uh…" I erred uncertainly as I drew a raging blank. Damn it, I must have been woozier than I thought; I usually only got bitten in the ass on the _second_ step ahead, not the first!

"THE MANOR!"

"Wha—?" I jumped when Soundbite suddenly barked.

 _"_ _EVERYONE INTO THE MANOR!"_ he ordered. **"IT'S A TOTAL MAZE** _ **IN THERE! WITH ANY LUCK, WE CAN LOSE him in the corridors!"**_

 _"_ _But won't we get pretty lost, too?"_ Luffy pointed out.

 _"_ _I knew it, it IS the apocalypse!"_ Usopp sobbed miserably.

"JUST TRUST ME, DAMN IT! _**I know what I'm doing!"**_

 _"_ _Alright, good enough for me! Come on guys, let's do what he says!"_

 _"_ _I really wish you'd stop pinballing and make up your mind about whether or not the world is ending, Luffy…"_ Nami groaned wearily.

"Enough, let's just go before Moria stops bothering to _aim_!" I cut in.

"But what about everyone who's hurt!?" Chopper demanded, casting a desperate gaze over his patients.

"We leave them, _and they'll be fine!"_ I hastily added when Chopper's eyes flashed blue. "Because Moria's looking for a fight, he wants _live_ targets! So long as he knows the 'bugs' are in his manor, he'll ignore everyone else to focus on _us,_ alright?"

The cyan faded, but the way Chopper was biting his lip made it clear that he was still uncomfortable with the plan. Nonetheless, he ran with me as I made a beeline through the fog, stumbling over corpses and writhing shadows as I headed for the haunted mansion. I detoured just enough to follow Soundbite's directions to where Lassoo and Funkfreed lay, strapping them on my back as I ran. As a result, I fell far behind Chopper and the rest of the crew, leaving none of them in sight when I crossed the mansion's threshold.

 _"_ _And nine… ten…_ TWELVE… _**and the rest of the Rolling Pirates arrrrre CLEAR!**_ **NOW, SOMEONE TAKE A POTSHOT** _TO LURE HIM TO US!"_ Soundbite barked.

 _"_ _We can't see anything through this fog!"_ came several voices. A pause…

 _"…_ _This is the first time in my life that I'm resenting being such a good marksman,"_ Usopp moaned. _"Alright, alright… Special Attack: NOVA STAR!"_

 _FWA-BANG!_ A blast of insanely bright light, coupled with an ear-shattering explosion of noise, penetrated the pink haze.

 _ **"**_ _ **GYAGH!"**_ Moria howled irately, his silhouette flailing about. _**"YOU MISERABLE BASTARDS! I'LL RIP YOUR SPINES OUT THROUGH YOUR—!"**_

Suddenly, the threat was cut short, Soundbite making a face. "I LIKE PROFANITY AS MUCH **AS** _ **THE NEXT GUY, BUT**_ **even I have my limits,"** he deadpanned. " _And by the way, doesn't_ ** _that attack literally_** **TRANSLATE TO 'STAR STAR'?"**

 _"_ _LESS SNARK, MORE STRATEGY!"_ Usopp shot back. _"We need to figure out some way to finish him, before—!"_

 _ **"**_ _ **So, infesting my humble abode, are you?"**_ I came to a screeching halt as Moria's voice suddenly rolled over me like a wave of tar. _**"Well, if you want to play… THEN LET'S PLAY!"**_

I twitched as the Warlord's voice suddenly took on an unmistakably homicidal tone. "Uh… are there suddenly _more_ of him?"

 _"_ _By my count?"_ Soundbite replied flatly. **"About a dozen more TO BE SPECIFIC,** _ALL PURE SHADOW."_

 _ **"**_ _ **FEE FI FO FUM!"**_ the chorus of the deranged cackled. _**"READY OR NOT, YOU'RE**_ **ALL** _ **DEAD!"**_

 _"_ _I hate ruined rhymes,"_ someone muttered.

 _"_ _I hate the fact that even though I'd already resigned myself to an odd death the second I joined this crew,_ this _tops everything I could have possibly imagined,"_ Nami deadpanned.

Before anyone could pitch in with more snark, Soundbite suddenly barked _"EVERYONE, DUCK!"_ I didn't question it, immediately throwing myself to the floor.

 _SMASH!_

And a _good fucking thing,_ too, as I felt something ruffle my hair before smashing into the other wall of the dining room. I chanced a glance up, catching a glimpse of a spiral spear the size of a large tree sitting on a pile of shattered wood and plaster that promptly unfolded into one of the Doppelmen, which then proceeded to turn around and split in half at its too-too wide mou _OH FUCK ME!_

"NOPE," I summarized, promptly spinning on my heel and running like—oh, I'm sorry, I mean _because_ hell was right on my ass. And going by the plethora of screams I could hear echoing through the halls of the manor, I wasn't the only one being chased.

After sprinting a dozen or so meters down the hallway, I caught sight of an upcoming intersection. I tried to decide on which path to take—

 _ **"**_ _ **HANG A LEFT**_ _and then duck behind the SUIT OF ARMOR!"_

When my partner's hasty hiss directed me to a side of the passage I was currently traveling. I followed his instructions, and the wall proceeded to—why was I even surprised? Of _course_ the haunted mansion had secret passageways built into it for normal people, not just the spider-mice. I ducked inside and closed the 'door' behind me, leaning against it with my heart pounding in my chest as I awaited either my salvation or my inevitable demise.

Thankfully, the continued shaking of the ground from the Doppelman's stomps indicated that the umbral homunculus had passed me by and that I was safe for however long I could keep dodging it.

"That was too close, thanks for that, Soundbite," I sighed in relief, before affixing my partner with a confused look. "But… _how_ did you do that exactly?"

 _"_ _Ah, t-that's right…"_ Conis bit out, Soundbite's bleary look communicating her effort to stay conscious. _"Weren't you… having a hard time mapping out the manor? Because of… uh…"_

 _"_ _Because of the zombies being so damned silent, right?!"_ Su prompted, no small amount of desperation in her voice.

 _"_ _Y-Yes, that…"_

 _ **"**_ _ **New move of mine**_ **I JUST WORKED OUT,"** Soundbite informed us tightly, his expression one of pure concentration. "BY BOUNCING SOUNDS OFF OF OBJECTS, _I CAN GET A GOODLY MAP OF MY SURROUNDINGS. Trying to ping the whole of my radius wouldn't fly,_ **but I can manage for just the manor."**

"Gastro-Sonar, got it," I nodded in understanding, before frowning as a thought struck me. "But… wait, why are you only using this now? Why not before?"

 _ **"**_ _ **Before, I could only**_ **THROW MY VOICE SOMEWHERE AND THAT WAS THAT.** BUT NOW, I CAN TELL WHERE _I CAN AND CAN'T_ **raise a racket and build a map based off of that—!"**

"—thanks to your Awakening!" I divined before scowling acridly. "Okay, seriously!? Soundbite, if this is what Awakened Devil Fruits can do, why the hell didn't you do anything like this at Enies Lobby?!"

 _"_ _BECAUSE I WAS HALF-DEAD IN MY SHELL THEN,_ **AND I AIN'T FEELING SO HOT NOW EITHER!"** my snail snapped back with just as much venom. _"DO YOU KNOW MUCH_ ** _energy it takes to piledrive reality?!_** I'VE TRIED PRACTICING MY ABILITIES BEFORE, **AND EVERY TIME IT ALMOST WIPES ME OUT IN TWO MINUTES!"**

I winced as the sound of splintering wood and shattering rock echoed throughout the manse, and promptly used it to rally my indignation. "Doesn't seem to be a problem for _him!"_

 _"_ _Some 'God of Noise' you are when you're the only one on equal ground with Moria and you're as helpless as the rest of us!"_ Su barked furiously, though I _think_ a load of her temper came from the way Conis was groaning.

I jumped enough that I actually fell down as what sounded very much like a freaking _sonic boom_ split the air. I glanced at my shoulder intent on asking about it, only to immediately come to the correct conclusion. Scarlet skin instead of gray and a more ferocious expression than any snail had the right to have on their face? It wasn't hard to figure out that I had just _heard_ Soundbite's composure snap. And then he exploded in a rant.

 **"** _ **Equal grounds?!**_ **EQUAL GROUNDS?!** _I A̴M̕ A_ ** _͞F̛R҉EA͘K͢I̷N̸G_** _̢_ **SN͢ĄIL!** ḐO ̨YOU ͏REAĹLY̸ THI̧N̴ _Ḱ I ́H͜AV̶E̕N'T BE̛EŃ TŖYÍNG̕ ̸T͜O̵_ CHA͞N̨N͜EL M͘Y ͢POWER͠S ͞ḾORE̷ _͜AF͠T̛ER I ͘AWAK̨E͘N̷ED?!̨_ **̨AFTE̡R͜ ҉C̢ROSS ̕G͏O͞T ͝S͝CAR͏RÈD F̡OR ͜LI̕FE** _ **A̢GAI̛N͏**_ **M̸̢̛Y ́B̴̵Ó͠DY̨̕'̵S̨ ̨̛JÚS̵̡T͘ ̨̕N̶̶͝O̵T̡ ͟B̀͜͜U̶̕͡Į̸̡L̢T̸̷ T͞O͞ ̵C̢̧͡H͘̕͜AN҉̛̀Ń̀̀EL͜͢ ̕T̴͢H̵͏ÀT ̧̧M͝U͏C͟H͡ E̕NE̕R̶̡G͜͏͏Ỳ͡͞ Ą͡T͢ O̡͡Ǹ͜C͠͞Ę!́** MY LIM͟I̧TS͏ ͟GR̴O҉W _͏THE͠ M̸ORE ͞I̡ PR͜A҉C̛TIC̴E͢_ ** _,̕ ͡B̛U͡T̛ T̵HE̕Y'̧RE̴ ͡S͠TIL̴L̛ ̸LOW͢_** _!҉"_

 _"_ _E-Even Awakened?"_ Chopper asked hesitantly, obviously as off-kilter as I was from my partner's sudden outburst.

 _ **"**_ _ **E̶SPE̶CIALLY ͞AW҉AKE̷NE҉D̨! ͜IT'S͜ ̛GO̢D-̧TIE͟R ŔEA̡LI̵T̶Y W͏A̸RṔING,̵ and҉ y̕ou ̀cąn't ͡us͏e̶ ̷t͜h̶a͠t͟ wi͏thou̸t ͟GOD̷-TĮE͝R EN̷ERGY!"**_ Soundbite fired back, turning his gaze in Moria's general direction. **"** EVEN MORIA IS PUSHING IT, _DOING THIS MUCH RIGHT AFTER HE AWAKENED! He might be hopped up on rage and adrenaline, but take it from me:_ **that shit doesn't last forever! EVEN IF I HAD TEN TIMES MY ENERGY,** _ **I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO USE THIS MUCH POWER FOR MORE THAN TEN MINUTES BEFORE—"**_

Soundbite's tirade abruptly ceased, the rage on his face fading as both his eyes and mine widened in realization.

 _"_ _Before burnout,"_ we breathed in realization.

I promptly broke out in a massive grin as I high-eyed my partner-in-slime. "And _that_ is why we stick together!"

 _ **"**_ _ **That and**_ **you wipe my ass!"**

 _"_ _W-W-W-Wait, let me see if I've got this right…"_ Usopp stammered hopefully. _"S-S-S-So w-we don't_ need _to beat him? We just need to outl-l-last him?"_

"Bingo," I confirmed. "He can only last so long the way he is, and with his sanity shot he won't see his crash coming until it whacks him upside the head. All we have to do is wait for his energy levels to flatline—!"

 _ **"**_ _ **WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU BASTARDS!?"**_

I flinched as the manor shook around us from the force of the bellow, a worrying amount of dust falling on my head and prompting me to start scrambling down the cranny we were stuffed into.

"…which could take awhile, during which time he could still find us all and grind us into paste, so I think we'd better burn the candle at both ends by giving him a push," I continued. "In pursuit of that goal, our first order of business is to figure out what _exactly_ Moria can do now. Right off the bat, the most obvious thing is that he's not just capable of controlling his own shadow anymore, but others around him."

 _"_ _Well, if it's any comfort, I don't think he can control_ our _shadows!"_ Brook commented, with at least a _hint_ of positivity. _"He's passed me close by once or twice, but he hasn't taken the opportunity to parade me out and torture me for his amusement."_ Above us, Moria let loose another deranged cackle. _"And I don't think he's_ quite _mad enough to willingly pass up that opportunity."_

I nodded in agreement. "Makes sense. He always needed a big pair of scissors and a particularly bright light to steal someone's shadow, he couldn't just take it without effort, so controlling them must still be out of his wheelhouse even now."

 _"_ _But wait…"_ Nami interjected _. "Shouldn't he still be able to tell where we are from the places he can't control, like with Soundbite's sonar?"_

"DOUBT IT," Soundbite interjected. " _HIS RANGE JUST_ ** _SKYROCKETED TO WAY BEYOND_** **what he normally operates with.** _ **It'd be like trying to pick a half-dozen specific dots out of AN ABSTRACT PAINTING.**_ _Trust me, learning how to handle that much awareness isn't something you do fast,_ EVEN WITH A CLEAR HEAD. **JUST LOOK AT ME:** _ **I've had a mile- long range for months now,**_ **and I still miss things."**

 _"_ _Still, I assume we're_ not _going to just push our luck and stay where we are?"_ Sanji asked dryly.

 _"_ _If you've been sitting still like an idiot this whole time, then you deserve whatever comes to you, swirly,"_ Zoro snorted.

 _"…_ _Note to self: come up with a technique that imitates a meat grinder after we're out of this mess,"_ Sanji grumbled.

 _"_ _Ugh. Those two morons aside, what's the strategy here, Cross?"_ Nami asked. _"Waiting him out is suicide, but so is confronting him head-on, and it's going to be next to impossible to pull a sneak attack if the shadows literally have eyes and ears."_

 _"_ _Not as hard as you'd think, actually…"_

"Robin?" I queried.

 _"_ _I think that Moria has less control over the shadows than we previously assumed,"_ our archaeologist clarified. _"He's consciously controlling the shadows he's immediately aware of, certainly, but when he's not paying attention, I believe his powers are tapping into his subconscious."_

I blinked in confusion. "The hell? What led you to that—?"

I feel like I should have been used to having my question answered before I finished asking it by now. Maybe I was overthinking… but then again, how the hell could I have expected the secret passageway I was in to let out into a crowd of shades?

To be specific, I found myself standing dumbstruck in a lightly bustling crowd of effigies made of shadow, half-people as corporeal as wisps of smoke. An experimental whiff of my hand minimally disrupted one, but it re-coalesced just as swiftly without even a hint of acknowledgment.

I shuddered, pulling back my hand. "I retract the question."

 _"_ _Why the hell_ AM I GETTING AN ADDAMS FAMILY REUNION _**VIBE?"**_ Soundbite swallowed nervously.

"Greetings, dearest brother."

 _"_ _GAH!"_ Soundbite and I yelped in sync, nearing jumping out of our respective shell and skin as we wheeled around to face… Robin, reclining on an overstuffed armchair, swirling a goblet of champagne!?

"I see you've walked into my parlor," she smirked.

 _ **"**_ _ **Withdrawn.**_ **TOTALLY WITHDRAWN,"** Soundbite shivered.

I spared a moment to nod in agreement before casting a look at Robin's drink. "Tell me, _creepiest_ sister, do you really think it's _wise_ to be drinking in this situation?"

"Considering how I'm fairly certain I'm down three fingers for the rest of the fight?" she remarked, holding up the hand not holding the goblet and displaying a trio of bandaged and bloodied digits.

I winced sympathetically. "Carry on."

 _"…_ _I'm going to get started on that meat grinder technique_ now, _actually,"_ Sanji said, his voice as calm as a fresh, unmarked minefield.

 _"_ _Duly noted,"_ Lola grunted in understanding. _"But back to the matter at hand, this helps us how, exactly?"_

"Well, I, uh—Eh?" My stream-of-consciousness brainstorming was strangled in its crib by a sudden shuffling of motion. Turning around, I was treated to the sight of the umbral assembly parting clean down the middle. "What the heck?"

"Well, now," Robin mused, standing from her seat to peer over the crowd. "It would appear that we have a guest of honor."

"Do we, now…?" I wondered. Curious, I tentatively edged my way through the crowd, passing through several shades before finally making it into the cleared path. Indeed, there was a procession marching down the aisle, with one figure in particular surrounded by others.

A… familiar figure…

A familiar figure with an _unmistakable smile!_

I watched, dumbstruck, as the smiling shadow was led past me. "Holy… that's… that's Gold Roger."

"What?!" Robin reeled in surprise.

 _ **"**_ _ **QUE!?"**_ Soundbite concurred.

 _"_ _WHAT!?"_ piped up… preeeetty much everyone else.

 _"_ _THE PIRATE KING?! AAAAWESOOOOME!"_ Luffy exclaimed. _"WHERE IS HE? WHERE ARE YOU?! I WANNA MEET HIM, I WANNA MEET HIM!"_

"Ah, no no!" I hastily clarified. "Not the _real_ Roger, just… a copy, an imitation, a fake that the shadows are drawing from Moria's memory."

 _"_ _How the actual… wasn't Roger_ before _Moria's time?"_ Franky asked.

"For the most part, yeah…" I nodded slowly. "Moria never _actually_ met Roger, but he _was_ present for his _last_ day alive."

"Interesting…" Robin cupped her chin thoughtfully. "So we're standing in the middle of a shadow theatre that's recreating Moria's memory of Gold Roger's Execution…"

"His powers must have been able to pick it out of his head at random because of how broken his psyche is, and I doubt that this is the only scene like it that's going on at the moment," I added, tacking on a sympathetic wince as a thought occurred to me. "Eesh, with how his brain is right now, I bet if he walked in on one of these displays, he wouldn't be able… to…"

I trailed off as my synapses started to fire on overdrive.

 _"_ _Your stunned silence is either very reassuring or an indicator of doom, Cross. Mind doing us all a favor by_ not _leaving us in suspense?"_ Boss demanded.

"Oh, sure, kill my coping mechanism," I scoffed before smirking. "But fine. I just came up with a plan. Just two questions first. Franky, have you refilled yet?"

 _"_ _Soundbite led me to the kitchen as soon as we got to the manor, Cross."_

"Just making sure. Other question: does anyone have any objections to preying on a mentally infirm person's trauma?"

The responses ran the gamut from _"No,", "Nah," and "Nope,"_ to _"Fuck this bastard but good."_

I steepled my fingers with a malevolent grin. _"Excellent."_

 _BOOM!_

We all glanced up nervously as the room suddenly shook, dust falling from the ceiling.

 _"_ _Might want to_ RUSH IT, _CROSS._ ** _Moria's tired enough of_** **looking for things that move THAT NOW HE'S ATTACKING** _ **THINGS THAT DON'T."**_

"Rushing," I confirmed with a wince. "Here's what we'll do…"

 **-o-**

Gecko Moria, Warlord of the Sea and currently mad as a hatter, snarled and muttered like a scorned ex-boyfriend, his berserk but widespread awareness amplifying his senses and keeping his search for someone, _anyone_ he could attack. Unfortunately for him, nothing was forthcoming. The only bodies he came across were the purified corpses of his zombie army, which did very little to help his mentality, his already frayed sanity unraveling at a pace that would have terrified most telepaths.

Lashing out at another wall, punching a Doppelman-shaped hole through it like a macabre cartoon, his frustration made itself known in an enraged roar.

 **"** **Where the** _ **unholy Aesir ARE THOSE PESTS?!"**_

Before his rant could pick up speed, however, a flash of movement in the corner of Moria's bloodshot vision caught his attention. Grinning malevolently and moving with a swiftness his mass didn't do a _thing_ to belie, he spun around, swung up a shade-wreathed arm—!

 _"_ _CAPTAIN! HELP!"_

And froze when a voice echoed from somewhere far off. It came to him loud and… well alright, the voice wasn't _that_ clear, but… through the haze of his rage, he thought it sounded familiar.

 **"** **Ơ̕̕H̶̴͜ ̷G̵͝O҉́͠D̢̕ ̛̛́͝N̛Ơ̧̧͜͠!̴̛͘͟?** " he called out, slowly and hesitantly turning towards the voice **. "Ơ̕̕H̶̴͜ ̷G̵͝O҉́͠D̢̕ ̛̛́͝N̛Ơ̧̧͜͠!̴̛͘͟,is… i** s that you?"

 _"_ _C-CAPTAIN!"_ the voice wailed, becoming clearer and clearer with every word. _"Y-YOU HAVE TO SAVE US CAPTAIN! H-HE'S TOO STRONG! WE'RE BEING—_ AGH!"

"NO!" Moria cried desperately as the unmistakable voice of Ơ̕̕H̶̴͜ ̷G̵͝O҉́͠D̢̕ ̛̛́͝N̛Ơ̧̧͜͠!̴̛͘͟, his navigator, cried out in agony. "Nonono, this can't be happening… hang on, Ơ̕̕H̶̴͜ ̷G̵͝O҉́͠D̢̕ ̛̛́͝N̛Ơ̧̧͜͠!̴̛͘͟! I'm on my way!"

All thoughts of infamous rookies/monsters/beasts and purified zombies/army/comrades fled his mind as he rushed down the halls of the manor, his subconscious plunging him into the nightmare he had never awakened from… and yet, his eyes refused to close, even as they piped reminders of that tragedy straight to his brain. There on one side as he ran… a group of tatters that bore his cook ̨͝H̷̵͏҉E̵̢̧͢L̷̀̀͏̶Ṕ̵̷̧͢ ̴̷́͡M̸̷̵̢͡É̶̶!͢͡'s symbol. Over there, the shattered remains of a familiar helmet and stave, which ̶̧́H҉͏E̕͡҉̢͢'̛͘͜͝͞S̷̨̡͘͏ ̷́͢͝K̶̴̵̡͠I̴̢͠͞Ļ̷̷̷ĻI̢͜͡͝͡N̵̢Ģ̶ ̴̧͞Ù͢͏҉S̢̧!͘͏̀̕͡ would never have parted with, unless he wa—-! And those swords… those giant swords, shattered and strewn about like trash, they could only belong to ͟M̷̨̛̕o̸̡͜͠m̴̛͟͝m̨̛̕ỳ̷̕̕.̡̡…̀m͢҉ờ̵̧́ḿ̕͡͡͝m̡͢͡͞y͏̨̡̕͜.̴̴̴̛…, one of his strongest fighters. But if all these precious items were here, then… _then…_

"No… my precious crew… my precious crew…" Moria breathed, tears of rage and agony trickling from his eyes, even as he moved even faster towards the one he knew/hoped/prayed was yet alive.

Time lost all meaning as he ran for what felt like hours/days/years, and the world blurred into a dull obscurity around him. The terrified captain sucked in massive gulps of air as panic sank its claws into his heart, the frigid air stabbing into his lungs like a knife. It was cold, so cold, he could barely feel anything at all… save for the blood.

Moria choked out a horrified gasp as he waded forwards, the putrid liquid sticking to his feet. Blood, blood everywhere, a lake, an ocean, extending as far as he could see. There was no horizon, for the crimson of the setting sun melded perfectly with the soiled earth. The only thing interrupting the liquid death/life/death, proving that there was _actually_ ground beneath it… were the _physical_ remains. Piles of bodies, dozens of them, each higher than the last and each mangled worse than the one before. Crushed, ripped apart, decapitated, _slaughtered…_ the only thing that couldn't be found in this hellscape was the merest sliver of mercy.

 _"_ _Cap…tain…"_

But in spite of all the death, there was still _one_ fragment of life remaining. A single mangled hand, belonging to a single mangled body, shakily reaching out to grasp at something, _anything._

"No!" Moria gasped, falling to his knees and grabbing the survivor's hand. That voice, their face… he could barely believe the state his first mate was in. "No, nonono… C̛̛̛̀͡a̸͠p͞.͞.҉̛́.̵͘t̛͘͠͝à̷̛̛ì̴̡n̕͢͢.̶͟…͜w͏h̸̨́y҉̧.͏̴͘҉.̢̕͝.̸̸̡̕?̶̀͞͞͠, C̛̛̛̀͡a̸͠p͞.͞.҉̛́.̵͘t̛͘͠͝à̷̛̛ì̴̡n̕͢͢.̶͟…͜w͏h̸̨́y҉̧.͏̴͘҉.̢̕͝.̸̸̡̕?̶̀͞͞͠, stay with me! Y-You can't—! E-Everyone else is… y-y-you can't—!"

 _"_ _Cap… tain…"_ C̛̛̛̀͡a̸͠p͞.͞.҉̛́.̵͘t̛͘͠͝à̷̛̛ì̴̡n̕͢͢.̶͟…͜w͏h̸̨́y҉̧.͏̴͘҉.̢̕͝.̸̸̡̕?̶̀͞͞͠ panted, blank eyes staring past Moria. _"You… have… to run… he's… coming…"_

"Who?!" Moria demanded desperately, shaking his first mate as much as he dared. "Who's coming? Who did this to you? W-Who did this to my crew!?"

 _ **"**_ _ **ME."**_

Moria froze as the world suddenly fell dark. But not because of the sun completing its descent. Rather, darkness fell because everything was shrouded in the deepest, most tar-like shadow Moria had ever seen.

Slowly, so slowly, the pirate turned his shaking head skyward… and beheld a mountain, a devil, _THE_ Devil, silhouetted against the crimson expanses of heaven.

In the face of such might, what else could Moria do but shiver and tremble in terror, gasping for air. "Ah… a-ah…"

 _ **"**_ _ **HM?"**_ the Devil's head shifted slightly, as though it had only just now taken notice of him. _ **"OH, A LITTLE BUG CRAWLING IN THE MUD."**_ The devil shifted, and Moria's world was engulfed by a hand. _**"BETTER CRUSH IT."**_

That was all Moria's shattered mind could handle. With a shriek of terror, the shell of a pirate turned and made to run as fast as he could, scrambling on the slick ground—!

"NOW!" _BANG!_

 _"_ _GAH!"_ Said shell then howled and threw his hands up in agony when the world suddenly exploded into pure _light and heat and PAIN!_

 **-o-**

Time on target, a concept Conis had told us about once while maintaining her arsenal. Basically, it was firing a barrage of ranged attacks of different types in such a way that they all hit at once. From what she'd described, it was something that usually took a lot of practice.

As it turns out, blind desperation worked in a pinch, as evidenced by the _slew_ of attacks that pierced the air at once. To summarize, the horde consisted of…

"LIGHTNING BOLT TEMPO!"

A tangle of crackling electrical tendrils;

"BURN BAZOOKA!"

A pillar of hyper-heated and iridescent air;

 **"** **GASTRO** -CANI _COMBO:_ _BASS_ ** _MORTAR!"_**

A second pillar of hyper-heated air, only this one was surrounded by a shimmer of dangerously vibrating air.

"108-CALIBER PHOENIX!"

A wave of razor-keen air.

"ULTRA SPECIAL ATTACK: FLOCKING FIREBIRD STAR!"

And finally, a half-dozen blazing bird-shaped infernos.

That half the attacks were fire-based helped, too. In any case, every one of them struck Moria clean in the middle of his face, eliciting a howl of pain and rage liberally tinged with fear and, more importantly, sending the Warlord staggering back, and resulting in his teetering on the very edge of Freezer 900's cavernous interior.

Unfortunately, Moria chose then to show just why he'd been selected to be a Warlord by exhibiting enough wherewithal to hold his balance when he hit the freezer's railing, in spite of the clear agony written on his features. Still, that was something that could _easily_ be rectified.

"Robin!" I ordered hastily.

 _"_ _Cien Fleur!"_ Robin exclaimed, crossing her arms.

Arms sprouted like ivy all around Moria, grabbing at the pale bastard's body and doing their best to either push or pull him off the edge of the abyss. Unfortunately, the instant the hands made contact with Moria, everything _once again_ went to pot.

 _ **"**_ _ **RAAAAAAAAGH!"**_ Namely, he appeared to snap for a _second_ time if that was possible, throwing his head back and howling to the heavens as the shadows _exploded_ in a torrent of jet-black madness.

 _"_ _DODGE!"_ Soundbite warned me.

"Sonnuva—!" I only _just_ managed to duck under a pillar of shadow that came _way_ too close to knocking my block off for comfort—!

"GAH!" "AGH!" _"GRGH!"_

But apparently they came even _closer_ for several others.

I spun around in panic, watching with naked horror as several of our crewmates and allies were batted around like rodents; Usopp was slammed into the ceiling and spit up a mouthful of blood, Conis was laid out flat by a knock to her temple that had Su frantically shaking her shoulder, and the Rolling Pirates that were still with us were bowled over by a stampede of shade.

But the worst part was catching sight of what looked for all the world like a many-fingered _claw_ lancing at a Brain-Point Chopper, whose mind had stalled in panic.

"Shell Body: Hermit Sta— _GAH!"_

And then, just like that, Boss was standing before Chopper, his arms spread wide defensively… and the spears punching through his shell.

"T-To protect your comrades…" the dugong coughed out, blood spurting around his gritted teeth. "Even at the cost of your own body… that… is the greatest… of all… Man's… _Gugh…_ " That was as far as Boss got before collapsing as the spears retracted from his shell and removed any support his limp body had left.

I could only stare at the display in numb shock, trying and failing to work out what I should react to first—!

 _"_ _Look out!"_

"Gah!" I grunted in shock when I was suddenly shoved from behind. I turned around to see what the deal was, and my blood froze.

Robin coughed in pain as she swayed on her feet, trying to stem the flow of blood that was flowing around the spike of shadow that had rammed through her side. She grimaced briefly before giving me a shaky grin. "Look on… the bright side… now we… match…" That was all she managed to get out before collapsing against the corridor's wall.

My next course of action became as clear as my vision was _**RED.**_

 _"_ _PACHY-CHARGE!"_ I roared at the top of my lungs as I ripped Funkfreed from his scabbard and stabbed him at the rampaging Warlord, intent on treating him to a faceful of stampeding ivory and steel.

And going by the simultaneous roars that erupted from behind me?

"GUM-GUM JET BAZOOKA!"

"FLAMBÉ SHOT!"

"CLOVEN ROSEO METEL!"

 _"_ _SUPER!_ STRONG RIGHT!"

"AUBADE COUP DROIT!"

I was _so_ not the only one pissed off at that. Specifically, Luffy, Sanji, Franky, Brook and Chopper all rammed their respective limbs into Moria's gut at the same time that Funkfreed gored him.

Time seemed to freeze for a moment as the Warlord was bombarded by our attacks, his face a mask of agony and outrage. And then time resumed and the pale bastard was sent flying as he so justly deserved. He shot out over the edge of the freezer's pit, and even went so far as to slam into and stick to Oars' horn for a second before peeling off and plummeting into the darkness of the abyss that lay below us.

I panted heavily as I stood on the edge of the freezer, combing the pit for any signs of life or movement before heaving a sigh of relief as all remained quiet. "If that didn't kill that bastard, then at least it bought us some breathing room."

"He had better still be alive; he's done too much to get off that easily, _"_ Zoro snarled, shades of Asura flickering around him as he nursed a quilt of slashes layered across his body. "Not even Aokiji did this much damage to our crew."

"Only because he wasn't really trying to kill us," Chopper bit out as he knelt beside Robin, hastily working to patch her up. "The one advantage of fighting somebody fit for a mental ward: they don't actually _aim_ when they fire. If he did, I wouldn't have to put in half as much effort as I am now."

Robin gave her current caretaker a bemused (if dizzy from blood loss) look. "Feeling a bit jaded, I take it?"

"Put it this way: I'm starting to see why Doctorine's tolerance for alcohol is so high," Chopper grumbled acridly as he stitched her up. "And _you_ shouldn't be awake for this, _so—"_ Without further ado, the Human Zoan jabbed a needle in her neck. It was a credit to how far his aptitude with chemicals had progressed that Robin blacked out with barely even a press of the plunger.

"Ergh, well at least she's getting taken care of, and everyone else doesn't look to be in too critical a condition, so…" Lola grit out as she nursed a particularly nasty-looking bruise to her face. "While we have a moment of peace, would you mind explaining _what the hell that freak show was while we were luring that bastard here!_?"

I shuddered in agreement, inching away from the shadows nearest me. The Captain of the Rolling Pirates definitely had a point there; if ever there had been a case of a plan working _too_ well, then that was it by far!

See, the plan itself had been simple enough: Soundbite called out to Moria with a voice that was incredibly generic, thus allowing Moria to mistake it for that of one of his old crewmates, Moria follows the voice into Oars's freezer while getting enmeshed in his shadow theatre and regressing to the loss of his crew, and finally, upon catching sight of Oars and flipping out, we beat the tar out of him. Easy, right?

Yeah, turns out we got leagues more than we bargained for where the shadow aspect of our plan was concerned. To be specific, we sure as hell didn't expect Moria's sick, twisted mind to vomit out a scene yanked straight from Resident Evil! I _still_ swear that there was texture to that ocean of… I don't even wanna _imagine_ what he thought he was wading through.

"Got me beat," I said, shaking my head. "I know that Kaido wiped his crew out, sure, but even for an Emperor I don't see how he could have _possibly_ created a scene straight out of hell like that!"

"Unless I miss my guess, I imagine that that scene never _actually_ occurred in reality."

We all looked at Brook in surprise as he observed Oars' corpse with an even more inscrutable expression than usual.

"W-Wait, you mean that Moria just _imagined_ that whole thing?" Nami asked in disbelief. "But wasn't he supposed to be remembering the day his crew died?"

"And that's exactly what he did," Brook nodded morosely. "He reproduced not how that scene actually occurred, but the memory he is in possession of today. A memory that has been corrupted with his every recollection of the event, degrading over time until it is little more than a fleeting nightmare he dares not consider for even a moment. I'm quite familiar with the phenomenon…" He bowed his head sadly. "The final battle I fought with my crew suffered a very similar fate."

We all shared a moment of silence as we considered the implications of _that_ particular statement before Luffy raised a questioning hand. "Sooo… if you know that, do you know what that creepy stuff he was saying was too?"

We all held our breaths as Brook raised his head. "I," he stated with great import and portentousness. "Have no earthly idea."

My head and most everyone else's heads bounced slightly as they jerked downwards. "Oooof course not," I sighed.

"Yeah, well… whatever it was, I can definitely say that it was creepy as all hell." Nami's Eisen Tempo hugged her as she shuddered. "I could barely even tell what he was saying, his voice was so garbled."

 _"_ _Except… that wasn't_ HIS **voice…"**

I glanced at Soundbite in surprise, both at the fact that he'd spoken up after staying quiet for so long and on account of how his expression was ungodly wan. "You know what that was?"

Soundbite swayed his eyes noncommittally. "I CAN GUESS… _**like I said, the shadows WEREN'T SPEAKING IN HIS VOICE.**_ **And going by their words…"** Soundbite grimaced, his face descending into the utmost of ashenness he was capable of. " _I-I THINK HE WAS TRYING TO CALL OUT HIS CREWMATES' NAMES…_ _but instead, all he could say were… were…"_

Chopper's eyes widened as he made the connection. "All he could identify his old crew by…" he whispered in horror. "Was… their final words…"

Zoro snorted and shook his head. "He's barely even a person anymore. He's just a husk, every bit of substance he had utterly consumed by that one day." I did my best to ignore the tone of familiarity his voice held.

"Yeah, well, he's a husk that could still _kill us_ if that didn't take him out," I quite reasonably pointed out. "Anyone want to place any bets on that?"

Silence for a few seconds, then Nami spoke up. "If someone placed that bet, I'd actually feel sorry for taking their money." Another pause as everyone, myself included, stared at her in shock. She shuffled back and forth on her feet, looking sheepish. "I mean, I'd still take the money, and I'd only feel sorry for maybe ten seconds…"

Ah, that was the Nami I knew.

"Point is, we need a plan for if—or knowing our luck and how hard-headed most all Warlords are, _when_ —he climbs out of that pit," I continued, indicating said gaping void. "Now, I don't have any ideas off the top of my head, but with a little brainstorming, I'm sure that—!"

"Uh, Cross?" I heard Luffy's voice echo from _towards the pit what._ I snapped around to catch sight of my captain crouching on the railing and peering into the chasm, his head tilted to the side curiously. "Was the dark down there always so… uh, y'know, _dark_?"

With no small amount of trepidation, I inched over next to Luffy, leaned over the railing… aaand promptly choked on my spit as I found myself staring into the kind of absolute abyss that _loves_ to stare back.

"Ahhh, _sonnuva_ —!"

 _ **"**_ _ **HVERGELMIR!"**_

And just like that, before any of us could so much as _twitch_ , the abyss broke the staring contest by, for all means and purposes, _puking itself in our faces._ In the space of a second, we were all devoured by the unholy bastard spawn of a riptide and a tidal wave, composed _entirely_ of shadows.

It was hectic, absolutely out of control, nauseating even in spite of the fact that my stomach was bone dry… Basically? Soundbite had been right about one thing, way back when: spin cycle _sucks_.

After what felt like both an instant and an eternity, our unwelcome ride concluded with all of us—if the chorus of groans and cries of surprise around me being anything to go by—being unceremoniously dumped on our asses… somewhere. I _would_ have looked around and confirmed where we were, but I had _one_ pressing bit of business to handle first.

 _"_ _BLARGHRL!_ Urk… _"_ I wiped my mouth off with a bone-deep shudder. "I officially _hate_ this island…"

"Get in line…" Brook gurgled as he worked his way into a sitting position, his calcium cheekbones somehow managing to look green. The fact that Chopper jostled him in his rush to get to our downed comrades didn't do him any favors either.

"Ugh…" Nami shook her head miserably as she recovered from her own gastrointestinal distress before warily glancing around. "Where… are we?"

"Erm…" Lola swung her head around and blinked in surprise. "It looks like… we're back outside? In the courtyard, even? What the…?"

I quickly surveyed our environs myself and realized that she was right: we'd landed in the very same enclosure that the crew had fought Oars in in the story. The place hadn't been ripped a new one by a rampaging titan, but it was hard to mistake the place, what with Perona's Garden hanging above us and the mast that propelled this maritime hellhole looming so close.

"Whoa…" Franky breathed, craning his head back as he tried and failed to spy the top of the mast. Then his face contorted into a scowl. "He went to _this much effort,_ and still neglected it after it was done…"

"Of course he didn't care for it," I tsked darkly. "After all, what 'king' pays a second thought to their carriage when they think their throne lies right around the bend?"

The cyborg clenched his jaw, metal creaking. "When I get my hands on that bastard's slimy neck, I _swear_ I'm going to—!"

"Shut up, Franky," Zoro ordered, not even looking at him.

"You son of a—!" Franky jerked towards the swordsman.

"He means shut up and _listen,_ Franky," Sanji interrupted him, glaring intensely into the air.

We all hushed up, trying to listen for whatever it was they were talking about. It took some straining, but we found it. And I almost wished we didn't; the chorus of whispers that was echoing from the shadows was so much ice in our veins.

"Oh, now that's just _disturbing,"_ Nami muttered, shuddering as if the temperature had dropped twenty degrees.

"W-What's it saying?" Chopper swallowed heavily.

"Er…" I strained my ears, slowly starting to make it out. "I… think it's just one word, over and over again. Sounds like… 'Draugr'?" It took all of two seconds for that to sink in, following which I stiffened and exchanged a panicked look with Soundbite. _"Ohshit."_

"Draugr… I think I recognize that," Brook tapped his jaw thoughtfully. "Isn't that a creature out of Norse mythology? The 'again walk—' _…ah._ " Aaand that was when the beri dropped like a supersonic meteor.

Though the sound of groaning and pounding feet that suddenly rose up was also a source of concern.

"Uhh… guuuuys?" Luffy asked slowly, a rare hint of uncertainty in his voice.

Soundbite shuddered with a grimace. " _Well, we're officially a_ ** _few hundred steps closer to burnout,_** **AT THE COST OF A FEW HUNDRED MORE THINGS FOR US TO FIGHT!"**

"But _how!?"_ Brook demanded, strangling his sword's hilt. "We couldn't have missed that many!"

 _"_ _That's because they're NOT ZOMBIES,_ ** _THEY'RE DRAUGR!"_** my snail clarified. "REMEMBER WHEN I SAID _**his range skyrocketed?**_ _RATHER THAN INFUSING THEM_ **WITH LIVE SOULS, he's just shoved them full of inert shadows** _ **AND IS USING THEM TO PLAY**_ _ **PUPPETMASTER.**_ **TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY…** _ **they're literal meat-puppets."**_

And as the horde of undead came into view, I could see the difference. It was subtle, all things considered. Like a sledgehammer to the face, which was particularly pertinent in that most of these rotting bastards _looked_ like they'd suffered just that.

See, where before the zombies had at least been acting like relatively normal if malformed humans, now they were far more similar to the classical Romero zombie. Their movements were stiff, jerky… the perfect picture of shambling corpses.

But what really sold it were their faces. The zombies, they were undead, sure, but at least they'd had souls; stolen souls, imperfect substitutes for life, but they had emotional range, to an extent. But the creatures that were swarming towards us now, these, these _draugr_ … empty, hollow rage and nothing more. If ever there was an example of unlife upon this island, we were staring them down right this moment.

"So, feeding them salt won't do any good anymore?" Sanji growled.

 _"_ _Probably not, there's no tenuous bond to snap._ BUT WORTH A TRY _**anyway, before we resort to PLAN B… OR A, SEEING AS THIS IS US WE'RE TALKING ABOUT."**_

"No sooner said than done," Brook stated, running towards the draugr and slashing faster than I could see. Some of the corpses turned and tried to grasp after him as he weaved through their ranks, but they didn't even come close to the skeleton's speed. A few seconds later, arms, legs, and heads severed off of a good chunk of the mob, but they hardly even slowed down. And more to the point, they were right on top of us.

 _ **"**_ _ **GO-TO**_ **TACTICS** _ **it is!**_ _Cross,_ PUT ME ON _FUNKFREED!"_

I nodded, picking the snail off my shoulder and planting him on the elephant-blade's crossguard. He took a second to properly anchor himself to the flat of the blade, and then screwed his eyes up in concentration.

"GET READY, 'CAUSE _**this is gonna tickle!**_ **GASTRO-PACHY COMBO!"**

I was forced to strengthen my grip on Funkfreed's hilt when his blade suddenly started to vibrate, the sharp metal becoming fuzzy to the eye.

 _ **"**_ _ **TREBLE BLADE!"**_

Even in the face of the oncoming horde, I couldn't help but grin like a _maniac_ at the fact that I was currently holding a frikin _vibroblade_ in my hands. I… think at that point something just _clicked_ in my head, because my grin widened malevolently as my adrenaline shot through the _roof._ "Alright, you undead rotting mooks," I hissed, slowly raising my left hand over my shoulder. "I know you can't understand me anymore and I don't care. Because I'm gonna say what needs to be said, no matter what."

I grabbed Lassoo's grip and wrenched him into position, spreading my arms and weapons wide in invitation, accompanied by an absolutely _mad_ cackle. "PREPARE TO DIE _THRICE_ , YOU ZOMBIE _BASTARDS! PFHAHAHAHAAAAA!"_

Lassoo punctuated that point with a salvo of baseballs that exploded in the mass of zombies, blowing massive holes in their ranks. And then the wave of zombies hit us. The front line promptly melted away like snow in a spring rain, only to be followed by another line. And then another. And another.

In most ways, it was Alubarna or the Bridge of Hesitation all over again: a frantic defense not only against an enemy that outnumbered us, but also against our own exhaustion and injuries, thankfully mitigated by the fact that we were individually superior to all of said opponents. In that last respect, I was actually better off than before; between Lassoo blasting chunks out of the horde as they approached and Soundbite and Funkfreed's combination practically _disintegrating_ any zombies it hit, my partners and I were probably accounting for the most draugr of any of us.

Unfortunately, the one way it was different from those fights was rather important: namely, the draugr just didn't. Stop. Coming. Seriously, these guys were persistent past even the regular zombies, because _those_ didn't have their limbs or severed torsos try to keep crawling after us. They also didn't break, and probably would _never_ break. Even the age-old method of decapitation didn't help. That just left a headless body shambling towards us and a head snapping its jaws on the ground that we had to avoid.

Surprisingly enough, Nami actually seemed to be having the easiest time out of all of us, for all that one could have an easy time in the midst of a zombie horde. She was still hard-pressed to pay attention to where all the undead were striking from, of course, but her Eisen Tempo was doing a frighteningly admirable job of keeping them all at bay. If ever there was any doubt that Nami made a habit of holding back the full extent of her Clima-Tact's power, the charred and blackened corpses her lightning left in its wake did a good job of laying that doubt to rest.

But even Nami's style of attack, effective though it was, meant she had to fight three battles we all had to fight: against the walking dead, against our exhaustion and pain, and against the severed limbs and heads that littered the ground like so many _land mines._ And lemme tell ya, having to watch your every step was _exhausting._ The only solution seemed to be to destroy the bodies entirely, and actually _destroying_ a human body is _miles_ harder than it has any right to be!

…That would sound _so wrong_ out of context.

Anyway, the result of it all was that we very quickly had to start giving ground, lest the zombie horde trip us up and then overrun us. We had no margin: lose one fighter, and our entire defense crumbled. Whiiiich would mean all of our wounded were dead meat. So yeah, _noooo_ pressure.

"SERIOUSLY?" Lola yelled as a freshly decapitated draugr kept walking towards her, hastily kicking it in the chest in order to give herself some breathing room, which was just as swiftly filled by a de-limbed draugr from behind. "We're chopping these things to pieces and they're not stopping!"

"I say we go back to anti-zombie plan number one," Franky growled, bashing away one corpse before rearing back his head—

"Fresh… FIRE!"

And spewing flames at the disassembled corpses. They kept moving, of course, but unlike with the shadow-zombies it was clear that the flames were doing their job. The wrecked bodies fell apart even faster under the flames. And yes, they _were_ falling apart, whole chunks of flesh falling off at a time before we even touched them, I could see it now that my blood had cooled enough for my vision to clear.

"I think he's right," I said, glancing at the cannon balanced on my shoulder as I shifted him forwards. "Lassoo, Plaster-Palm Combo!"

My cannon chuffed in agreement before vomiting forth a spray of viscous tar that coated the fore portion of the horde, which he then followed up with a lick of flame that lit up the fuel. The entire front line of zombies lit afire and began to crumble away, and the zombies stepping over them _also_ befell the same fate.

I paused in surprise as I watched the conflagration spread with an almost disturbing efficiency. "Huh. Fire's working a lot better than it did before," I remarked as I dove back into the fray, Funkfreed quite literally shaking entire sections of the horde to pieces while Lassoo's bulk doubled as both a hefty shield and a brutal club.

 _"_ _I actually have a theory on that,"_ Chopper cut in via Soundbite. _"I can't confirm without seeing things, but Moria's almost certainly pushing the corpses too hard. Without the pseudo-soul of a stolen shadow, all of these corpses are just that: corpses long past any prime they might have had. And now that they're dead again, rigor mortis is setting in and they're becoming stiff. Basically, by puppeting the bodies like this, Moria is_ literally _making his army fight itself to pieces!"_

"Well, that's… great…" Zoro grunted as he quartered another shambling husk. "Still… way too many… of these… things…!"

"You know we're in deep shit," Nami grunted as she wrenched the her staff back and forth in an effort to dislodge it from the ribcage she'd accidentally rammed it through. "When our _battle-hungry_ first mate is complaining about the fight."

"Don't you dare keel over yet, Mosshead," Sanji growled. After me and Nami, he was probably doing the best of us all, treating the zombies like so many soccer balls. Though the fact that he had been using Diable Jambe from the start might have had something to do with it, too. "We fall, the girls die horrible, messy deaths."

"And why should I," Zoro snorted aggressively as he tore through another throng of draugr. "Care if _your_ prissy ass gets torn apart?"

"'Cause then they'll get the rest of the crew, too!" Luffy provided with the utmost gravity he was capable of.

"… _damn it,"_ our swordsman snarled as he redoubled his aggressive efforts.

Almost immediately, however, a diving draugr nearly bowled him over before being kicked off, and everyone shut up in favor of dodging or knocking out of the air the many draugr that had decided _dive-bombing us_ was a great idea. And the worst part of it was that it actually _was_ a great idea, splitting our attention even _more_ ways.

As I descended back into the unconscious flow of the fight, I was considering what the hell Moria was thinking. Swamping us in numbers would work, yes, what with all the corpses he had available, but it would be a slow process. Even the dive-bombing draugr were unlikely to speed up the process, too. With how utterly deranged Moria was now, I seriously doubted he had the patience for that. No, this was a distraction while he got something _big_ pulled together, and I was really not looking forward to that.

On the other hand, maybe the draugr horde would take us out fast after all, judging from the groans coming from _behind us oh son of a—!_

"Fuck! We've—"

"Been flanked, we know!" Lola bit out as she cast a venomous glance over her shoulder. "If we turn away, these… draugr will overwhelm us!"

"They're _going_ to overwhelm us anyway if we don't deal with the flankers!" I snapped. "Lassoo, can you—?"

 _"_ _Belay that, Cross!"_

I gave a shaky grin as a Heavy Pointed Chopper waded into the thankfully thin line of draugr behind us, sending bodies flying with every sweep of his arms. With that immediate concern taken care of, I could share the thought I'd had earlier.

"Heads up, everyone!" I called out. "I think Moria's planning something big, and this is just a distraction!"

 _"_ _Warn us again when you've got some kind of_ IDEA _what we need to watch out for!"_

I winced as Chopper snapped at me; this situation must have really been getting to him.

"He has a point, though; there's not much to plan on if you just say 'something… big…'" Lassoo's voice took on a whimper as he seemed to realize something. "Unless by 'big' you mean 'titan'."

The meaning sunk in fast for me, and I wasn't the only one. Every eye darted towards the manor to find… nothing. Any relief we felt was short-lived, mostly because the draugr took advantage of our distractedness to push a full-court press that sent us scrambling back, but also because of a thought that followed shortly on the heels of the first.

"So… we got a plan… for when that thing… _does_ come out…?" Sanji huffed and puffed.

"No, but—"

Suddenly, Funkfreed went through air instead of necrotized flesh, and yes, that did feel different, vibroblade or not. I barely had time to process that the draugr had just _stopped_ when—

 _KRASH-BOOM!_

…Okay. Oars had been scary enough when he was just an immobile mountain of meat locked in a freezer. Him bursting out of Thriller Bark's manor like some demented parody of the Kool-Aid Man? Utterly terrifying. And that was _before_ I got a good look at the changes to his appearance.

For starters, there was no _life_ in his eyes, or his movements. His eyes were black holes in his skull, his jaw hung limply from its sockets, and his body was both stiff and fluid in unnatural ways, as though he had bones in all the wrong places. By contrast, the roiling mass of _black_ in his belly snaking up and around and all over, leaving no doubt that Moria was still in the damn driver's seat, was barely a footnote.

And then his gaze fell on us, and it all coalesced into one horrific whole, for as much as he lacked _life_ , this _thing_ that had once been Oars' corpse still had all the hallmarks of _intelligence._ Like, y'know, scanning his surroundings and picking a target. Namely _us_.

 **"** **JO…TUN…"** the behemoth rumbled, slowly but _definitely_ starting to trudge its way towards us.

"Mister Cross," Brook said in a voice that would have been calm if not for how he was shaking in his boots. "I believe this is the part where you either come up with an outstanding plan to deal with this monster or you lose a large measure of your credibility as a tactician."

"I get it, I get it, I'm working on it," I responded, wiping away the sweat from my brow as I ran through the situation.

One second to review: Oars, titanic giant—whoops, I mean _gigantic titan—_ standing there and being puppeted by Moria. Capable of flattening us effortlessly if we gave him an inch, but going by his current state, undoubtedly hindered by the apparent frailty of draugr in general and the spinal damage we'd inflicted… and the ice too, if the way tracts of his skin were cracking were anything to go by. So, he wouldn't last long. Our goal wasn't to beat him to pieces, it was to accelerate how soon _Moria_ caused the corpse to tear itself apart.

Another second as Oars wound up a fist: in the story, it took a whole-crew combination attack to just get him down… including that 'Pirate Emperor' thing, good thing I'd butterflied _that_ abomination away—FOCUS! How did they get one up on him?

Yet another second as it came flying, even as I started to run like hell: they brought him down, beat his face in (to little effect), failed attempt at the Pirate Emperor, then the thing with Luffy's weakness to meat, and after that— _eureka moment._

Fourth second as I took a flying leap, bracing myself and flinching as the shockwave from the literal megaton punch smacked me in the gut, mentally running through the eight fighters we had and their capabilities, and confirming one: "Chopper, are you good to use a Rumble Ball?"

 _"_ _Wha—maybe? I took one in the freezer; I can take one more without going berserk, but I won't be able to control what form I change to!"_

And that was five seconds as I landed and rolled into a ready position. "That'll do, just cycle through them as fast as you can. Here's the plan, everyone: Gum-Gum, Waver, Sky Walk, Jumping Point, and Bone Skinny, it doesn't matter how you do it, just get up on that thing's body, make sure it knows where you are and _keep moving_. It's literally all brawn and no brains, so it won't hesitate to bash itself to pieces with its full power! And everyone else—" I took aim with Lassoo. "Go for its feet!"

"RIGHT!" everyone shouted as they sprung into action.

"CANI-CANNON BARRAGE!" I pulled the trigger, and explosive baseballs bracketed one of the feet, tearing off flesh in chunks, while Zoro, Franky and Lola went to town on the other limb.

Meanwhile, our more acrobatic combatants started shooting around the undead titan like demented fleas: Chopper and Brook leapt into the air, landing gracefully on the Jotun's arm and darting for the torso. Luffy grabbed the other arm and rocketed up, reaching out at the apex of his arc to grab one of the horns. Sanji kicked off the air itself, positioning himself opposite Luffy, and Nami rode her Waver up its legs.

And then, all at once, they lashed out. Two feet, one at the end of a stretched leg and the other blazing, slammed into opposite temples. Hoof and blade carved into the chest, leaving deep trenches behind. And I could _hear_ the lightning crawling up its back.

The giant, of course, reacted immediately, but poorly, by trying to simultaneously slap its chest, stomp one foot, and scratch its back at the same time. The massive overextension of muscles and the strain on the already-stressed tendons must have been massive, but the boom of the open palm hitting the chest and the resultant air-pressure was… _less_ than encouraging.

But never mind that! Oars was shifting its foot! Opportunity!

"CANI-SLICK!"

Black oil sprayed out of Lassoo's muzzle, coating the ground beneath the Jotun's colossal foot, and I could only pray that the ground team got my idea.

"STRONG HAMMER!"

I shouldn't have worried. Franky immediately slammed his fist into the back of the Jotun's ankle. There was an almighty snap as something important broke, and more importantly, the foot slid forward on the slick, losing any remaining grip it had.

Five figures darted off the body as it suddenly described a 180-degree turn, flailing limbs demolishing more of the manor as it crashed onto the back of its neck - right on the spot where we'd powderized a few vertebra.

We weren't done, of course. High above the body, a foot fit for a giant ballooned into existence before rising even higher into the air. For a brief moment, it hung there, and then it came crashing down, slamming into the titan's chest to a chorus of snapping bone.

Still the titan attempted to rise, only for a black and red meteor to streak out of the sky and slam into the Jotun's forehead in a burst of flame. Bone shattered, shortly drowned out by the colossal skull impacting the packed earth below.

And _still_ the damn thing was trying to get up! Despite the massive footprint in its chest, despite one leg not working at all, despite everything above its shoulders looking like it was made of so much jelly, it attempted to lift itself on its arms. And yet, it was clear to everyone that it wasn't going to last much longer. Just needed one… last… damn… _push!_

 _"_ _HEY, MORIA!"_ Soundbite roared, his jaw set in a murderous scowl. _**"HOW'S THIS FOR**_ **A LITTLE DITTY!** _ **GASTRO-NATION!"**_

Without warning, the air was suddenly filled with the most skull-churning, gut-shredding grindcore I'd ever heard. On its own it was pretty bad.

 _ **"**_ _ **AAAAAAAAARGH!"**_

But going by how the shadows around us suddenly _screamed_ and Oars' corpse started to writhe like it was undergoing an exorcism? I think there was more going on than what I was hearing.

"Gastro-Nation?" I asked quietly, warily eyeing Soundbite as he ground his teeth, a look of intense concentration on his face.

 _"_ _For 'domination',"_ he grit out. _"It's a_ ** _triple-threat assault._** FIRST LAYER IS TO MUTE THE AREA. _YOU THINK WHAT YOU'RE HEARING IS LOUD?_ **IT'S UP TO ELEVEN IN THERE. Second is that there's some Phony mixed in to stir the guts.** _ **But third? Ohohoh..."**_ He shook his head slowly as a distinctly vindictive tone entered his voice. _**"THIRD IS WHEN I MAKE HIS BRAIN AND SKULL VIBRATE**_ **JUST** _ **SO.**_ _In the simplest of terms,_ ** _it feels like his gray matter is grinding itself to paste_** **from the inside out."** Soundbite's grin grew absolutely _satanic_. _"NEAT, RIGHT?"_

"That's _one_ word for it…" I muttered under my breath. I was silent for a bit before giving him an accusatory glance. "…you're gonna be blowing chunks because of this, aren't you?"

 _"_ _Somebody get me a bucket…"_ he moaned queasily, letting his eyestalks hang. And despite quickly perking up, he still looked rather green. "OR COTTONTAIL'S TAIL."

"Somebody help me, I'm actually _considering it,"_ Su said offhandedly with no small amount of deserved awe as she watched Oars' corpse _literally_ shake itself to pieces in its agonized convulsions. Massive chunks of flesh were sloughing off and shattering into chunks, though thankfully the flailing arms weren't producing _oh for the love of—!_

"DUCK!" I yelped as one of Oars' fingers soared towards us. Following my own advice, I threw myself to the ground, feeling a cold wind of a _stupidly_ close miss brush my everything, followed by a loud crash. "Victory has never sucked so hard," I groused.

"Stupid giant… why couldn't Moria have used a sea king or something else that would be tasty?" Luffy grumbled as he got out from under the finger he's been slammed with.

"Wow, that nearly took your head off," Su blandly remarked.

 _"_ _Get your_ **LAST LICKS in,** _COTTONTAIL,"_ Soundbite moaned. _**"'Cause I'm about to go MUTE.**_ HURP!"

I repositioned my partner so that he was free to hock his lunch anywhere but on me as I watched the end of the body that had once been Oars the Titan. And what an end it was: simply put, the corpse gave up the ghost by just… _literally_ falling apart at the seams. Every joint, every _single_ one came undone, and just as soon as it had started thrashing, the being fell still. There was simply nothing _left_ that it could possibly move. It… wasn't even a _corpse,_ really. Just a pile of rotting, freezerburned _meat_.

"I-Is it over?"

Hey, I knew that quavering voice! I turned around to find Usopp, leaning heavily on a tree branch, walking towards us. "Hey, you sure you're healthy enough to be walking around?"

 _"_ _He's fine!"_ Chopper called out. _"He wasn't hit as badly as everyone else, and if he didn't think he could handle it he wouldn't be doing it. That's just who he is."_

I thought over that, and then shrugged. If our doctor said so…

"Well, then, to answer your question, probably," I explained, indicating the mountain of flesh. "That was Moria's big trump card, and it's gone. Soundbite also rattled Moria's bell in the process." I frowned. "Though, Oars went down pretty easy compared to canon. But then again, Moria was overstressing it, and we'd already damaged it pretty badly, so I guess that makes sense?"

"Cross," Nami started testily as her halo started to darken. "If you are actually complaining about us having an easy time taking down a _multi-story goliath,_ then _so help me—!"_

"I'm not complaining!" I hastily assured her. "Just… with our luck, if things turn out easier than expected, wouldn't you want to try and think of anything you might have missed?"

"Kill… you…"

"Gurk…" I choked, going ramrod straight. "Like, for example, a certain raging _bastard_ still somehow having the strength to remain _conscious?!"_

Nobody had a response to that, on account of how they'd all apparently turned to stare at the renewed threat in gape-mouthed horror, and the second I joined them I _completely_ understood why.

Bloodshot eyes completely rolled up in their sockets, a _topographical map_ of bulging veins, pink foam dribbling from both corners of his mouth, and all tied together by the kind of shivering you only ever saw in the most hardcore of junkies and the kind of looks you only ever get by going through a meat grinder besides? Yeah, I think it's safe to say that we were currently witnessing Gecko Moria at the all-time _lowest_ point in his life.

If he were anyone else, I'd probably find this kind of tenacity admirable. Given who he was, what he'd done and what he was most likely planning to _do_ to us, however…

"Kill… you…" Moria gargled through all the blood and whatever other fluids were clogging his throat. "Kill… you…"

Yeah, _not_ my idea of fun.

"Okay…" I breathed _sotto voce_ as I _delicately_ raised Lassoo's barrel _._ "Everybody, he's still stalling out from pure rage. No sudden movements, nothing to set him off. Just get ready to take him out all at once, very, _very—!"_

"Kill… you… Kill… _kill…_ ** _kill…_** _"_

Ooooh that vocal devolution was _not_ a good sign.

 _CR-CR-CRACK!_

Nor Moria's teeth _cracking_ in his mouth from just how hard he was _clenching them_. _**"KILL YOU ALL! NIIIIIDHOOOOOOOGG!"**_

The yell to attack was on the tip of my tongue when a mass of blackness that I _barely_ recognized as a Doppelman erupted between Moria and us. I braced myself for an assault from the ragged simulacrum, but the rather than attack us, the shady demon instead started clawing at the ground, ripping out handful after handful of… of…

"Uh… guys…" Luffy asked slowly, his voice rife with confusion. "How come the shadow's eating other shadows?"

As much as the very idea sounds utterly ludicrous… indeed, the Doppelman was shredding what shadows it could get its ragged claws on, tearing them out by the talonful and shoving them down its gaping gullet. I honestly couldn't comprehend the action until I noticed the thing starting to swell, and suddenly everything clicked into place like the gears of a freaking _doomsday device._

"No… no _fucking way…"_ I drew out in breathless terror, already starting to inch away on trembling legs. _Fuck_ adrenaline rushes, if what I thought was happening was actually happening—!

"Cross! Talk! _NOW!"_ Nami snapped, her panicked voice managing to ground me in reality.

"M-Moria once showed that he could manipulate reality, actual _flesh_ , via manipulating the shape of someone's shadow!" I babbled. "How he warped it was harmless enough, b-but they still had the same general mass. B-But now, his own shadow, i-it's taking in _extra_ mass from the shadows! A-And that name, Nidhogg…"

I gulped audibly, trying and failing to clear the ash that had filled my mouth.

"That's the name of… a dragon…" I finally croaked, staring at the gradually distending gut of the shadow demon in horror. "The dragon… of the end of the _world."_

It took all of two seconds for that to sink in, and as Doppelman began devouring a straight-up _stream_ of shadows from the earth and both it and its caster _really_ started to swell up, everyone recoiled in horror.

"Cross," Nami whispered with rapidly mounting dread. "Are you trying to say that Moria's going to _turn himself into a dragon!?"_

I shook my head, slowly at first but accelerating as my panic _really_ started to hit its stride. "I think he's going to damn well _try,"_ I hissed, spinning around and throwing Funkfreed. _"And I'm not planning on sticking around to find out!"_ I was halfway up the elephant's back before he'd even fully transformed, and he was stamping his legs impatiently as was.

"Hey, Cross, wait a—!" Luffy started to protest.

"LUFFY!" Chopper barked. He was carrying Robin, Conis, and a frantic Su on his shoulders, the latter two clearly still unable to move. "We can stay here and fight Moria or we can get our friends somewhere safe, but if we try and do both then someone's going to get hurt in a way I won't be able to fix!"

 _That_ brought Luffy up short. The rubber man cast a final glance at the Asgard-sized blimp that Moria had become before gritting his teeth, shooting an arm out to snag Boss and booking it like Garp was on his ass. "EVERYONE RUN!"

"Don't have to tell me twice!" Funkfreed brayed as he stampeded after our captain as fast as he could, Franky and Lola grabbing their way onto the sword's bulk as he passed.

And so, for the first time in the crew's history, the Straw Hat Pirates began retreating from the battlefield, hauling ass and hauling our friends' asses besides. What we would do once we got them to safety was still up in the air, but it was better than leaving them where they could easily be trampled in the pummeling, no matter who was on the receiving end. For now, I was just glad that the attack took so much setup, because it was buying us the time we needed to put distance between ourselves and the doubly mad Warlord.

Which was a damn good thing, because looking over my shoulder, I could scarcely _believe_ how rapidly the situation had devolved: Moria and his shadow were both massively gorged, and the shadow's suction had grown to the point where, judging by how trails of shadow were lancing through the air to its maw, it was devouring the very same thorn hedge Moria had used to pen us all in. That was both encouraging, _and_ a reason for yet more panic.

Still, either way, the build-up meant we had time. I just hoped we had enough.

"Uh, guys?" Franky shouted warily. "Don't wanna start any panic or nuthin', but that shadow-puppet thing just stopped eating!"

I started to turn in my seat to look back—

 _KRNCHRRRCH!_

And then I snapped my head forward and kept my eyes locked firmly dead ahead, because there was no way in _hell_ that I was going to so much as _glance_ at the source of that… that… _ergh,_ even the mere _thought_ brings me inches from tossing my entire digestive tract.

The closest approximation I can think of would be a meat grinder. A titanic, _industrial-grade_ meat grinder. Snapping, crunching, squishing, ripping, grinding, all these sounds and more sounded through the air, and each was more flesh-filled than the noise ever had any right to be.

However, just as soon as the _noises_ started, they stopped dead, leaving behind a far-too-still silence that permeated the air as thickly as the Florian's fog.

If only it could have lasted.

 _ **"**_ _ **GROOOOOOOAAAAAAARGH!"**_

"GAH!"

I let loose a yelp of both shock and pain as I was literally _slapped_ upside the back of my head by a _wall_ of pure sound and air pressure. So strong was the force of the bellow that we were all sent tumbling due to our mere proximity, not even Funkfreed's massive bulk capable of doing keeping him upright. The sound of shattering glass echoed in my ringing ears, the shards thankfully going nowhere near us. Instead, we were engulfed in wind-blown grit and ballistic bits of dead flesh, and I'm honestly unsure what was worse.

Lemme tell you, regaining your wits only to find yourself lying face down in a pile of desiccated human flesh and feeling like you've been worked over by the mob? _Not_ an experience you want to have twice in one day, or at all. And yet, here I was having undergone that very same experience twice in the span of _hours._

"Hate… this… island…" I moaned as I sat up and clutched my throbbing skull.

"You, me, and everyone who's been living on it for any amount of time," Lola tsked, wincing as she pushed herself to her feet.

"Contemplate burning this hellhole down later…" Nami grit out as she used a wall to claw her way to her feet, her clouds hastily patting down any dirt or rubble that the blast might have caked on her. "Figure out what just happened _now._ Did… did Moria _really_ just—?"

 _ **"**_ _ **GROOOOARGH!"**_

We all froze as another roar echoed behind us. It was quieter, thankfully, but in all honesty? The lowered volume just made things _worse._ After all, higher volume leaves a bigger impact, but lower volume has _all_ the details.

The gorey, echoing, _twisted_ details.

In a moment of foolish thoughtlessness, I glanced over my shoulder in an effort to catch sight of our enemy—

 _"_ _HURGH!"_

And just as swiftly I snapped my head back, hunched forwards and clamped my hand over my mouth in order to arrest a second helping of bile. I-I hadn't _actually_ seen Moria's form in that glance, the dust and fog were still hanging too thick for that, but I'd seen its silhouette, and that was enough. Sweet Lucifer's hellfire, it was more than enough for a lifetime.

As it turns out, I'd been both right and wrong in my assumption. Right in that Moria had obviously _tried_ to turn himself into a dragon, but wrong in that he'd _failed._ At least, _I_ considered it a failure, because the silhouette of the _thing_ I could see in the distance, roaring and thrashing and _demolishing_ section after section of the manor with its every careless movement? That… that was absolutely no dragon.

It was stretched, twisted, warped in ways I can't even begin to conceive of, and at its core, the very _core_ of its being, this thing was every kind of wrong possible, but the one thing I absolutely _refused_ to call it besides human was 'dragon'. Because this thing… this was another beast entirely, and I… I don't rightly know what.

Chopper was curled up on his knees, heaving violently as he clamped his hooves over his nose. "I-I-I can't even… I don't… the _trauma_ he just put his body through! How is he still _alive…_ t-this is just… just…"

"You know what?" I heard Lola say with a strained but flat voice. "I've done a lot of crazy shit on these oceans, done a lot of crazy shit today for this crew. But no way in _hell_ am I fighting _that."_

I winced and turned my head to reply, and then I froze up as I noticed something _crucial._ "That's… actually a very good and very viable idea because _that thing ate the thorn hedge!"_

"What!?" most everyone yelped in shock, spinning around to confirm that, yes, the writhing wall of shadows _was_ gone and the route to the forest and freedom was indeed free and clear.

"I have never been more thankful for an enemy getting high on rage in my entire life," Lassoo breathed reverentially.

"And I never thought I'd say this, but same here," Zoro grunted, yanking Conis onto his shoulder. "Now come on, everyone grab a body with a pulse and let's get out of here!"

Everyone gave signs of assent, and we started moving accordingly—

"Go on without me."

When a very familiar voice caused everyone to freeze, and turn to see our captain tossing his hat behind him and crouching down. Nami's clouds caught it automatically as Luffy's body turned red and began steaming.

"The plan all along was for me to kick Moria's ass, and I owe him that even more after what he's done to us," our captain spoke in a tone that didn't allow for even a _hint_ of protest. "I'll finish him off. You guys go on and get back."

I exchanged hasty looks with my fellow officers before we all gave Luffy firm looks of our own. "We'll fall back to the treeline," I conceded. "But no way are we leaving you alone."

Luffy nodded with a steam-filled snort. "Good enough. Now, get moving. Franky!" He turned a side-glare on our shipwright.

"Right! Gimme a second, aaaand… there!" Said shipwright shifted around a bit in place before procuring a writhing bundle of darkness from… _somewhere_. "75 shadows, right up the old address! All yours, Luffy!" And with that, he tossed the umbral bundle at and _into_ our captain, who hunched forwards with a groan.

As Luffy transformed and Moria remained occupied with wrecking his own domain, I couldn't help but feel a slight inkling of curiosity. Sure, I knew that we'd kept a cache of shadows in reserve for this exact sort of situation, but I hadn't known Franky had been hanging onto them this whole time. I guess I'd kind of assumed he'd lost them at some point. After all…

"Where… _exactly_ were you keeping those shadows?" I asked slowly as I gave his wardrobe, or rather lack thereof, a onceover.

Franky grinned. "Oh, I kept them in my—!"

"On second thought, never mind, I _really_ don't wanna—!"

 _"_ _GrrrrRRRAAAAGH!_ HEY! MORIA!"

Our collective attention was suddenly arrested by a very pissed and now very big and very _blue_ Luffy shooting forward, skidding to a halt in front of the smoky shadow that was once Moria—no, that was _Nidhogg_ now—and bellowing in outrage.

Then, Luffy sucked in a chest-expanding whoosh of air…

"I AM THE MAN WHO WILL BECOME THE PIRATE KING!"

And shook us all to our very _souls_ with a bellow that was accompanied… not so much by a —statement of _fact,_ but more like a divine _mandate_. And while it inspired awe in most of us, others reacted a _bit_ more… _viscerally._

 **"** **GRR…** _ **GRAAAAAAAGH!**_ **"** roared the unholy love child of Smaug and Tim Curry, head flung back.

Outrage that Luffy weathered with ease, glaring at the wyrm with neither fear nor hesitation, but simply primal _disgust._ "I'm going to be the Pirate King," Luffy repeated frigidly, with all the finality of declaring that the sky was blue. "And not you. It'll _never_ be you. You can't be the Pirate King, because besides the fact it's gonna be me?"

Luffy crossed his arms with and stared down the monster.

"You're not actually a _pirate."_

I _swear_ you could have sliced the following tension and silence both with a rusty spoon. But of course, like all tense silences, it was born only to be broken. In this case?

 _ **"**_ _ **GROOOOOOOAAAAAAARGH!"**_

By _another_ ear-rending pseudo-draconian roar that, while it didn't send us all sprawling, still hit us like a semi-physical wave and left us all clutching our ears in agony.

All, of course, save Luffy, whose _entirely sane_ reaction was to blur forwards, reel his arm back—

"GUM-GUM JET PISTOL!" _CRUNCH!_

And extend his fist into Nidhogg's jaw, sending the wyrm reeling. While the monstrosity was still reorienting itself, Luffy charged past its bulk and disappeared into the dust, heading into the manor's ruins. And once Nidhogg recovered, it ignored us in favor of giving chase with as much speed as its bloated, mangled frame could manage.

For a few seconds, we stared silently in the direction the two had gone. Then I felt a jab in my shoulder and I glanced over to Funkfreed.

"One night, and I've gone from having a lifetime of no combat to almost too much," he breathed. "It's official: even if I don't survive this, I made the right choice joining the Straw Hat Pirates."

"We get it, we get it," Lassoo chuffed as he started wandering around and grabbing the TDWS onto his back. "Now less talking, more _hauling!"_

And so we all set about gathering up our fallen comrades from where we'd left them without a moment's hesitation. Well, actually _some_ hesitation.

"Hey, does anyone have any idea what the hell Luffy was on about?" Franky asked, wincing as he heaved Carue onto his back.

"Hell if I know, but I imagine he's going to break it down for Moria in the same breath he breaks his face," I replied, before nearly face-planting as their blows shook the ship again. "In the meantime, let's get a little more distance, shall we? Being on the same island as this shitshow's gonna be bad enough, I am _not_ intent on experiencing ground zero!"

 **-o-**

Monkey D. Luffy winces as he ducks under a grasping claw, eyeing his right arm, recently returned from a meeting with Nidhogg's soft core. Even with seventy-five shadows strengthening his rubber body's natural toughness, thin tracks of blood crisscross the limb.

Another claw comes in, and he hops back, rearing back one leg. "GUM-GUM JET STAMP!" he roars, one sandal-clad foot slamming into Nidhogg and pushing it back. This limb, too, comes back bloody, the sandal reduced to so many straw scraps. The beast roars in pain and rage, and somewhere in his heart he understands the unspoken question.

"Pirates sail the seas for a reason!" he yells, hopping over an overhead smash. As he winds back a fist, he continues to speak. "They sail for freedom! They sail for their dreams! I've run into a lot of people who called themselves pirates until now, but they had some kind of reason that kept them going, even if it was something stupid like money or power! You can't eat money, you can't eat power, and they don't help you get friends!"

The blow lands, pain stinging the limb like all the other blows. He ignores this, for he can take it, and his opponent is the one coming off the worst. That the shadows now grasp the limb is far more of a problem. He only has time for an exclaimed "OH—!" before Nidhogg slams into him and doesn't stop. The shadows lick at his chest and gut and vest, stinging like so many mosquitoes, and the two crash into the manor, wood and plaster and even stone giving way under their far stronger bodies. This is too much for the much-abused building, and the walls give way, collapsing the structure on top of their heads.

But even this doesn't stop Nidhogg, and it outraces the destruction, throwing him through the far wall. It shows no sign of stopping. He must stop it.

His sandals clap together, his muscles tense, and he roars: "GUM-GUM JET SPEAR!" A spearhead, formed by clasped toes, slams into Nidhogg's midsection, breaking its weakened grip and sending it flying back into the still-settling wreckage of the manor. For a moment, he takes his chance to catch his breath—and with a sudden pulse, he nearly loses control, his chest swelling up as the umbral souls empowering him attempt to return to their rightful place.

Time to end this.

Setting his feet, he pumps his fists in front of him, waiting for Nidhogg to reappear. And the shadow beast does not disappoint, erupting from the manorial wreckage roaring its defiance and accompanied by a plume of splinters and rock dust. With no regard to thought or strategy, it charges head-on at him.

It is perhaps the worst thing it could do.

"GUM-GUM JET GATLING!"

This time, it is not a single blow that the shadows can grasp and tear. It is not a single blow that Nidhogg's form, long past caring about damage, can simply shrug off. It is a barrage, fast and unrelenting and offering no purchase.

It is with the one hundred and seventy-third blow that the inevitable happens: he freezes, slumping to his knees, veins rising all over his body… and in a burst of the darkest of black, seventy-five shadows flee the body of Monkey D. Luffy, his skin reverting back to the usual bronze. He doesn't move. He can't.

And Nidhogg is in no better shape. The great beast writhes on the ground, roaring—or perhaps screaming—in pain and rage and grief and a hundred other emotions. Through his exhaustion, he eyes the great mast looming above him, and knows that he will need to draw it up that towering trunk.

But he is tired, so tired. His muscles ache with strain and lactic acid, his heart gallops like a panicked horse, lungs vainly trying to suck in enough oxygen. His very soul and will quiver with exhaustion, and a dozen different wounds sting him with pain.

And yet.

And yet every time his mind screams 'Fall!', he cannot. For he sees the monster in front of him, and he sees the smiles of his crew, his friends, and he knows down to his bones that he cannot let the two meet.

He will not fall. Only when the monster of shadow and hate falls, and not a second before. And it must fall soon, otherwise the decision becomes not his.

"BUT YOU!" he roars, briefly glancing up. "You don't care about any of that! All you want is the throne, and for _what!?"_ Standing to his feet, he pins it with the best glare he has. "For revenge?! Because you lost your friends?! You don't even remember them! You're just sailing because of your pain! Because you don't know what else to do! And you're making everyone else hurt too, just because! You're not a pirate! You're not even a person! You're a shadow! A ghost! _YOU DIED WITH YOUR CREW!"_

Astoundingly, Nidhogg falls silent. A creature that roared and spat and snarled for its entire existence, that was always roiling and twitching and _moving_ , freezes, utterly quiet. For several seconds that may actually be an eternity, the two stare at each other, and then he shuffles one foot back.

That movement provokes the beast, Nidhogg flipping to its feet and charging forward, still utterly silent. He stretches his arms up, grasping a spar and soaring into the sky as the rubber pulls back. Below, Nidhogg skids to a halt, reverses, and grasps the mast with its claws, beginning to climb. It climbs steadily, but slowly; he climbs in bursts, each taking him further up the mast. Blades of shadow shoot up, seeking to impale him, but swinging in the air as he does allows him to avoid all but minor nicks.

Within minutes, he has reached the top of the mast, the fog encompassing all even at this atmosphere and Nidhogg two spars down but rising fast. Gritting his teeth, he bites into his thumb, and _blows._ His arm swells, the air flowing into his chest and then other arm as he continues to blow. Within seconds, both arms are fit for a giant, and he cuts the flow in favor of taking a colossal breath into his chest, ribs stretching to fit. Sandaled feet grasp the mast and muscles in the back and chest flex, spinning him around into a tightly wound spring.

"GUUUUM-GUUUUM—!"

And then Nidhogg is there, faster than he had any right to be. Shadow skitters off the massive arms, merely adding to the thin lines already present, but umbral jaws find purchase in his gut.

"Gah!"

Air hisses out from the punctured torso, and he knows he must act _now_. And thankfully, his opponent is right there. Two massive arms pump, smashing into Nidhogg from above, dislodging him and sending him spiraling towards the ground far below.

"GIAAAANT STOOOORM!"

And he follows, screaming, spinning like a top. Each fist is a meteor with the weight of a mountain, and they fall like a monsoon rain, swift and unrelenting. The fists are too large to receive damage, and in any case, Nidhogg is now utterly senseless, unable to counterattack.

The torment is only ended when it is squashed between titanic fist and the small landmass floating on the sea. Dark shadows and a small dot in black and blue and bronze and red fly away, signifying to all one thing:

This fight is over.

 **-o-**

 _K-K-K-_ **KRACK!**

"Sonnuvabitch!" I yelped, cartwheeling my arms in panic as the _flipping island shattered beneath us._

I mean, it was to be expected of course after the _cataclysmic_ beatdown we'd just seen Luffy deliver, of course, but it was another entirely to _feel_ the very earth tremble beneath your feet. And then it was a tier all of its own when you and everyone around you had to scramble to stay together as massive rents and cracks ripped the earth apart, and seawater sloshed up and sprayed us in drenching, salty gouts.

Thankfully, the devastation was as swift as it was brutal, and as soon as it was over, we were left panting in shock, wet, dumbstruck… but alive.

Zoro huffed heavily as he stared at the crack before glancing at me. "Is this… going to be a regular thing?" he managed to get out.

I shook my head, a slight jerk in the motion. "Not until New World, that's for damn sure."

 _That_ got me a heck of a lot of attention, several people opening their mouths to speak at once—

"Wait…" Usopp cut in, hand shading his eyes. "Is that… Luffy?"

When they were all silenced by that query, and followed his line of vision.

And indeed, right there in the sky, sailing on the breeze of his own rapidly exhaling breath...

 _"_ _WHO-O-O-O-O-OA! SOMEONE CA-A-A-ATCH ME!"_

Was our captain, and the winner of this long and arduous fight, Monkey D. _'That Freaking_ GLORIOUS _Straw Hat'_ Luffy!

"Oh, yeah, forgot he tends to do that…" I commented weakly. I paused briefly, tilting my head. "Somebody should catch him before he falls in the drink, huh?"

"I got this," Chopper said, weary but fond. Shifting to Heavy Point, he stepped forward, and then right, and then forward again, just in time for him to catch Luffy against his chest. His head leaned down, several curious hums coming from him, and then he turned around with a sunny grin. "Alright, he's not going to keel over immediately or bleed out anytime soon, so I hope you don't mind if I take a moment to celebrate the fact that we fucking _survived_ that!"

I allowed a massive sigh of relief to exit my lungs, now that we were safe at last from that monster that Moria had somehow become. And out the corner of my eye I could see everyone else—Zoro, Sanji, Nami, Franky, Brook, Lola, Usopp, Lassoo, and Funkfreed—doing the same. But it couldn't be that simple; the second I began thinking about the whole fight with a perfectly clear head, my blood ran cold as I realized that there was something I had overlooked.

"Hold everything, guys."

"Not that tone, _please_ not that tone, not _now_ of all times, Cross," Usopp moaned, he and everyone else immediately on their guard.

"Sorry, Usopp, but I have to," I said, Lassoo and Funkfreed moving back towards me as I scanned around. "Thinking over the situation, all of the zombies were purified. All of the Mysterious Three were taken out. All of our allies were present and accounted for. And the mansion was a _long_ way away from the graveyard, isolated from all the noise we were making. I wasn't able to spare enough thought for this until now with Moria's Awakened rampage, but thinking about it now?"

I turned so that I was facing everyone.

"If we sedated him—which we _did_ — _who or what woke him up from it?"_

I registered the looks of horrified realization come onto my friends' faces… but just barely. What happened next was Eneru all over again, it just happened _so freaking fast._ A dark shadow looming behind me, the sound of fabric leaving flesh, and a soft, almost gentle voice, speaking a single word.

"Me."

I barely had enough time to start panicking when I felt something touch my head. Then everything went dark.

 **Cross-Brain AN: Some things simply cannot change…**

 **Hornet AN: On a lighter note, when Moria was hit by the Nova Star, he was going to say "Rip your spines out through your nostrils." How that's anatomically possible will be left as an exercise to you, dear reader.**


	59. Chapter 52 - Thriller Bark Pt 6

**Chapter 52**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Before we move to the conclusion of Thriller Bark, we have a few things that we would like to say to our fans.**

 **To those who edit our TV Tropes pages, thank you; it means a lot to us that you give us so much. To recognize a few: PutotyraNoZarus, Eddy1215, euan112358, Gaby007, ThePoarter, lilyofthevalley, Hujwernoo, darkhabit, NXTangl, JD2K, and The Sinful. Thank you all.**

 **Next, to those of you who leave anonymous guest reviews on . First, those of you who ask questions: if you want us to answer them, please spend a few minutes creating an account so that we can actually respond. Second, those of you trying to bring politics in, or who have more recently called for… 'removing' the dugong characters, if you can't be arsed to face any possibility of a response, we're just going to keep deleting them. Or, to put it shortly: kindly** _ **get fucked**_ **.**

 **Patient AN: For the record, I don't approve of the language… but the frustration is no less with me.**

 **Xomniac AN: And for my record, I've got some even harsher language! I'm the one with the account, I have to field that braindead crap first! If you wanna flame, either grow the pair needed to do it with an account I can report, or** _ **shut. UP.**_

 **Cross-Brain AN: And now, brace for flying hammers. Specifically, mason hammers.**

For once in my time on the Blue Seas, my senses returned to me faster than I expected. Unfortunately, it didn't do much good with my subconscious DOSed trying to figure out what was going on. A few key facts slowly became apparent: I was lying on a rough, uneven surface. There was a rancid stink in the air, like rotting pork, and there was noise coming from nearby. Voices… they sounded like my crew. What was going—?

 _Thriller-Bark-Moria-Awakened-Nightmares-Crew-Decimated-Draugr-Oars-Eating-Shadows-Nidhogg-Luffy-Victory—_

 _ **Kuma.**_

My eyes snapped open, and I leapt to my feet and looked around the area, taking in everything I could. It was still dark… still foggy, even. We were still in the Florian Triangle. The next thing I noticed was some of my crew nearby. In ten words or less… they all looked like utter shit. To elaborate, everyone looked like they'd been personally worked over by Impel Down's finest, sporting almost uniform expressions of pain, though thankfully not agony.

To name but a few: Conis was cradling her cranium, a bloody bandage indicating she'd most likely gotten a second scar to go along with the one Ohm had given her. Boss was steadily burning through a cigar as he leaned against some rubble, his flipper pressed to the near shirt of white wrapped around his torso. And Merry… well, I knew it wasn't right to laugh at another's pain, but damn it, you watch a tyke like her gnawing at a cast-covered arm and say it's not funny as hell! Lassoo and Funkfreed snickering nearby was just further support for that theory.

Moving on, the TDWS and Carue were bandaged up from head to toe, and Robin and Vivi weren't shy for them either; I noticed that the latter was glaring at her necklace, and I winced as I wisely elected to leave that particular hornet's nest the hell alone. And Chopper was lying on his back; from what I could tell, he was regaining his breath from treating so many so fast, hooves twitching spastically from overuse.

Then… there was Luffy, on his feet and grinning like a loon. My panic calmed briefly as I confirmed that my captain was safe, and then it shot right back up as I realized that Luffy was bouncing around after all of that, as though he hadn't taken any damage.

And as I ran towards them, my panic shot through the roof as I realized something else: _so was I._

Luffy perked up as he caught sight of me. "Hey, Cross! You're up too? That's great!"

"It's also, to repeat, _impossible…"_ Chopper groaned.

"Seriously, I expect this kind of physics-ignoring weirdness from Luffy, but you too, Cross?" Usopp moaned as he poked at his nose.

"Bah, who cares?" Luffy laughed. "Woohoo, this is awesome!"

" _NOT EVEN CLOSE, LUFFY!"_ I roared, injecting as much terror and desperation into my voice as I could manage.

The good mood flew out of him as he and everyone else conscious looked at me with alarm and concern, and I made to look at my partner—

" **CROSS."**

—and instead shot a glare at a newly awakened and very irate Sanji. "I fucked up and I know it, crap cook, but me facing the music can wait until _after_ we save that noble idiot's life! And in pursuit of that, _Soundbite!"_

I waited for a reply. After a few seconds of silence, I began glancing around, patting down my clothes with mounting panic. "Soundbite? _Soundbite!?"_

" _I'm_ _ **here… further**_ **OUT…"**

My relief at my partner speaking up was weak; I hadn't heard him this exhausted since Navarone.

"…Is he there? Is he alive?" I asked softly.

" _For now…_ _ **but hurry,**_ **they need BLOOD,** _ **PRONTO,"**_ his voices warped and warbled. "HEAD STRAIGHT _left from_ **where you are."**

"Sonnuva—!" I'd barely taken two steps when Soundbite's words sunk in, and I felt a chill like Brook's post-time skip swordplay.

"What," I said slowly. "in the name of Roger do you mean by ' _THEY'?"_

Rather than wait for an answer, I swung my head around, took a hasty headcount, and promptly felt my brain _crash_ when I realized who was missing.

"ROCKET US, _NOW!"_ I roared, grabbing Chopper's scruff with one hand and reaching out to Luffy with the other. He didn't hesitate to grab the nearest anchor, and a few seconds later we landed in the right location.

…I thought I had seen the worst when Moria awakened, but no. Even with the nightmares of the Shadow-Shadow Fruit annihilated, Thriller Bark still had one last scene ripped straight out of hell to torture us with. And here it was.

A barren crater of ground, stripped of all life, the soil straight out of a drought-ravaged wasteland, and smothered in blood. The crusted substance cracked beneath my feet, long since dried, and spread throughout the entire crater, more than one human body seemed able to hold. And in the very center stood a single figure, immediately recognizable.

"Z… ZORO!" Luffy screamed.

Chopper blearily took in the scene. Then his eyes snapped open, showing off bloodshot sclera, and he flipped down and dug a flask out of his bag marked with a skull and the label "LAST RESORT". He chugged the entire thing before tossing it aside and snapping into his Walk Point, sprinting over to Zoro with an expression that was equal parts furious and horrified.

" **What happened here?"**

"Nothing… absolutely—"

"DON'T GIVE ME THAT SHIT!" I roared, grabbing what was left of his shirt with both hands and ignoring the shout of protest Chopper let out. "You've just endured every last bit of punishment that Luffy has over the past _who knows how long_ but we can deal with your suicidal honor code later because you can take it, _NOW WHERE THE HELL'S THE OTHER IDIOT?!"_

"H… Here…"

I gagged as a raw and barely audible voice floated over to me, and I hastily shoved our fine-shredded swordsman off to our doctor before running in the direction of the voice. I rounded a stray block of rubble, and stopped dead in shock, barely capable of understanding what I was seeing. Finally, I managed to choke out a single word.

"Nami…"

Our navigator lifted her head what few inches she could manage, her expression flushing with relief, and somehow found the _gall_ to direct a bloody glare at me. "Took… your damn time…" she wheezed. "You _always_ have… to sleep in, don't you?"

I… I couldn't say anything. How could I in the face of the horrific tableau before me?! I'd seen a lot of bad shit during my time as a pirate, I'd _experienced_ bad shit aplenty! But the sight of Nami, one of my closest friends, the one who'd always managed to come out of almost every last one of our escapades squeaky clean, looking like she'd been put through a titanic paper shredder? It was… just _overwhelming._

Nami was propped up against the rubble, leaning into it without a hint of energy and for good reason. Her legs and her face looked like sandpaper had been rubbed over them, and her arms… her right arm was relatively unmarred, but her left looked like it had been mauled by some kind of a rabid feline, it was such a mess, a segment of her Clima-Tact held so tightly in her fist that I think some of the knuckles were dislocated. And going by the blood-caked state of her right hand's fingers, well…

And it was crazy that she could even move her head; the rest of her body was limp and almost gray, removing any doubt—if there _was_ any considering the maroon and red trail towards her—that there was more blood outside her body than in it. She was on the brink of death, and somehow still had the strength, strength I'd never even _suspected_ her to have, to keep on _living._

"Did you… see that idiot?" She gave her head a minuscule jerk in the direction of Zoro, her lips twisting into a broken but still catty sneer. "Seriously… I told him posing was… a stupid gimmick but he… just wouldn't budge… But then again, I— _ack!"_ She coughed and wheezed, a mouthful of blood and I don't even _want_ to know bubbling out of her throat. "I-I guess I'm no better, huh… every one of us, a big ol' idiot… Do you… think it's in the water, or…?"

My legs gave out under me, bringing me to my knees just in time for my throat to finally respond to my will and choke out a single word.

"Why?"

" _Couldn't stop her…_ **could only watch…"**

I followed the direction of the voice to a branch hanging overhead. Soundbite was there, sagging in his shell from grief and fatigue, his eyestalks drooping and barely open.

"S-Soundbite, what—!?"

"Don't… get mad at him…" Nami coughed, staring up at my partner with a weak smile on her face. "He tried… to stop us… but we… wouldn't listen. It's not like… he tried to do something… as stupid as us…" Don't ask me how, but the damn madwoman somehow managed to make a smile on the edge of death look _sunny._ "He was… pretty damn brave. Stayed with us… through the whole thing… even though he was scared… out of his mind. He… actually might have even… saved my life… a few times…"

"I… you…" I sputtered. Those sputters died shortly thereafter when I noticed that Nami's eyes were starting to lose focus.

"I-In fact…" she slurred, her head starting to sway back and forth. "After what… he did…" She chuckled, a wet noise that was equal parts bittersweet and delirious. "You don't… owe me… anything now. Heheh… I-In fact…"

Nami slipped to the side, and I only _just_ managed to grab her in time to hear her breathe out one last thing before she slipped into oblivion.

" _I owe you one, friend…"_

 **-o-**

"Alright, you metal-limbed bastard, start spilling your guts or I'll spill them mys—ACK!" Sanji's burgeoning rant was headed off at the pass by a brief cyan glare from our doctor, who was in the middle of stabilizing the crew. Instead, he settled for glowering at me with as much heat as he could muster, and given what he could do, I was sweating like a pig for a variety of reasons.

After discovering that little… _scene,_ we'd relocated everyone into the most stable section of the ruined manor we could find. We then spent several minutes waiting with bated breath and raging questions as we waited for Chopper to finish properly stabilizing our semi-eviscerated friends. It had been touch and go for a while, but thanks to some help from the Rolling Pirates, it looked like things would be fine.

Chopper had mended Zoro and Nami's abundance of injuries as fast as he could, desperate enough that he even recruited Merry's skillset and Robin's arms to help. The two of them sped matters along considerably, and he had their much-needed transfusions up and running in a matter of minutes. It was a very tense few minutes, but as Chopper measured the progress, he informed us that there was no immediate danger to anyone anymore. Which meant that while his attention turned back to handling everyone else, everyone else's attention attention immediately turned back to me.

Attention I met with a miserable groan as I continued to pace, as I'd been doing since we arrived. "OK, first of all, _yes,_ I forgot that he was supposed to show up. I thought I'd managed to head his presence off a while back, but _clearly_ I was mistaken. I overlooked the possibility that the World Government could send him because of the SBS or for some other reason, in which case I fully accept the blame. On a related note, I need to double-check something as soon as we're done here, because if he was here why I _think_ he was…" I lapsed into silence for a second, gnawing on my thumb, before shaking my head and moving on.

"Second of all, in this case? Even if I _had_ mentioned the possibility of his presence, it wouldn't have made any difference; you all saw what he did, some of you more than the rest." I shot a pointed glance at Sanji, which got him strangling his lighter so hard I think its casing cracked. "So you've probably figured out that against Bartholomew Kuma, the only thing we _could_ have done at this time was put our heads between our legs and kiss our asses goodbye. Crocodile and Moria are the only Warlords alive who are even _close_ to our level. The rest are just _that_ powerful, and Kuma's in the upper tier even for them." I sighed tiredly and rubbed my face. "Make no mistake, it's the fact that individuals like Kuma are part of the Warlords that they're viable counterweight to the Marines and Emperors."

"I guess we were sort of getting spoiled with arrogant bastards," Vivi said with a ferocious grimace as she kneaded the bridge of her nose. "That's the kind of power that Warlords are expected to have; if Crocodile's pride hadn't driven him to sorely underestimate Luffy, we never would have beaten him."

Sanji continued to fume, clearly not satisfied with my explanation. "Even if I accepted that, I would have expected you to tell us that it would put Zoro and Nami-swan in this much danger!"

"It was _only_ Zoro in the story!" I shot back, glancing in a brief panic to make sure no Rolling Pirates were in earshot before continuing. "The metal bastard came for Luffy's head, but when Zoro stepped in to take his place, Kuma fed him Luffy's pain, expecting him to die from it. Naturally, he _didn't_ because he's that freaking tough! _BUT,_ going by how I feel light as a feather, _apparently_ Kuma was after my head too! That doesn't really surprise me, given how my head could kickstart a small nation's economy, but _Nami_ going through this!?" I jabbed my finger at our comatose navigator, packing all my incredulity into the motion. "Trust me, I'm as confused as you are! And for once, things are flipped because while I don't have the answers we need or want, _he does!"_

I turned my eyes onto the gastropod who was currently guzzling his second bottle of liquid lozenge, and Sanji as well as everyone else in earshot joined me. He eyed us for a second, spat the emptied bottle out, and met our questioning gazes. " _ **Yo."**_ And just that one word provoked a pained wince from him

Ignoring that wince, Sanji painfully shoved himself to his feet and loomed over my partner, cigarette tearing between his teeth. "Everything you saw, snail, or I might actually carry out one of my threats."

I warily side-eyed Sanji. "Not endorsing the death threat…" I hedged. "But I'll second the urgency."

Soundbite took a second to glance around and take in everyone's anxious expressions before slumping forward, his eyestalks hanging heavy with sorrow. "ALRIGHT, _**HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED. After Kuma showed up out of nowhere and pulled a 'think of the rabbits' on Luffy and Cross, Lola recognized him and asked what he was doing here. He said that they—that is, the World Government—had lost contact with Moria and he came to see what was wrong—"**_

I allowed myself to relax at that, though I was still going to check every inch of the card, which, in retrospect, I should have been watching religiously over the past who-knows-how-long.

"— _and then he said that while he had the chance, he was here for Luffy and Cross's heads. I MUST NOT HAVE BEEN A PRIORITY THOUGH, HE JUST FLICKED ME OFF YOUR SHOULDER LIKE I WAS SO MUCH LINT._ SWEAR THAT BASTARD CRACKED MY—! _Ugh… Anyways…"_ Soundbite cast a pitying glance at my other two partners, who were both nursing some hearty bruises to both flesh and ego. " _Lassoo and Funkfreed charged him and got blown away first."_

"Felt like _I_ got shot out of a freaking cannon for once…" Lassoo moaned from under his paws, clamped to his head.

"What the _hell_ was that bastard packing?" Funkfreed demanded, an icepack pressed to his forehead with his trunk.

"The Paw-Paw Fruit, one of the most _ludicrously_ jailbroken Devil Fruits I've had the displeasure of witnessing," I explained grimly. "It gives the user paw pads on the palms of their hands that have the power to repel or deflect—or more specifically, 'push'—anything that they touch. And that means _anything,_ from projectiles to air to more abstract concepts like, well…" I gestured between Luffy and myself. "Pain and fatigue. And the force of his pushes are often disproportionately powerful, too."

"Tsk, so _that's_ why you and Luffy had my tranquilizers in you. That explains how he woke Moria…" Chopper grumbled as he held a pair of blood-filled vials up to his… eyes…

I briefly contemplated whether or not I was suicidal enough to ask _when_ he'd drawn our blood, but I just as swiftly snapped my attention back to Soundbite. "So, those two got slammed and then… I'm guessing he laid down the ultimatum?"

"What's that mean?" asked… Luffy, worryingly enough, considering the amount of seriousness in his voice.

"That individual, Bartholomew Kuma, was it?" Brook spoke up, his head bowed solemnly. "He gave us all a choice to make: we could let him take the two of you unmolested, or we could refuse and suffer for standing in his way. Naturally, not a one of us hesitated to oppose him with every fiber of our beings… even though I myself no longer have any fibers to speak of! YOHO—! Ah, wait a moment…" The musician tilted his head quizzically. " _Do_ skeletons have fibers? I forget… tentative skull joke."

"Robin?"

 _THWACK!_ "YEOW!"

"Thank you."

"After that is when things get… _fuzzy."_ Keratin rubbed fur, a pained grimace on Chopper's face. "I think I might have gotten desperate enough to take a third Rumble Ball."

"No, that's the concussion talking," Usopp clarified ."You're fuzzy on the details because there _aren't_ any."

Chopper's chin-scratching stopped in favor of shooting our sniper a blank look. "Aren't any what?"

After a moment of staring, Usopp sighed and turned back to the rest of us. "Anyways, Kuma must have thought that the surroundings weren't wrecked enough, because he used some big air-blast attack to flatten everything and everyone that was left standing near him. That's the last thing I remember."

" _ **LUCKY YOU,**_ _long-nose,"_ Soundbite groaned, shuddering.

"And how exactly did _you_ stay conscious?" Franky cut in. "You may have a thick shell, but it's not thicker than my _super_ metal body, and I got knocked out right away, too."

Soundbite frowned in thought. " _Short version, I tried a new technique,_ **IT WORKED.** _BUT FYI, THAT TONIC WAS ONLY TEMPORARY._ **My throat still feels like I've been** _ **gargling gravel.**_ I CAN TALK SHOP, _**OR I CAN TELL YOU ABOUT THE HELL I JUST WENT THROUGH.**_ **WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER SUFFER?"**

I briefly entertained the easier notion, but… "Proceed."

" _ **Well…"**_ Soundbite slowly turned his gaze as he stared off into oblivion.

 **~o~**

"Now suffer the Ursa Shock."

 _ **FWOOM.**_

The Ursa Shock was a technique steeped in contradictions; while an incredibly destructive attack, it was both simple and relatively silent in its execution. And yet, in spite of this simplicity and hushed delivery, it was made deadly and massively loud due to the sheer _scale_ of the assault. A singular blast of air and wind, but the tsunami-sized quantity of air pressure resulted in widespread destruction, and thus a cacophony of demolished and collapsing debris.

Trees and stone, architecture and nature alike, none were capable of withstanding the full, unmitigated fury that was the Ursa Shock.

When the howling winds died down, they left utter silence in their wake. Nothing stood much above chest height. Anything that had was now sprawled out on the ground, and anything that was once intact was now irrevocably annihilated.

Most people, in the aftermath of such destruction, would have been left gaping as they experienced any of a variety of emotions, from terror to awe to satisfaction at a job well done. Assuming they were still conscious, of course.

As he witnessed the devastation he had wrought with his bare bear hands, Bartholomew Kuma felt none of these things.

Instead, the Tyrant merely shifted his massive bulk with his head, systematically scanning his environs with cold efficiency for any signs of life. A glance downwards confirmed that the first of his primary targets that he'd acquired, the 'Voice of Anarchy' Jeremiah Cross, was still where he'd left him after successfully removing his involvement from the situation's equation: pinned in place beneath his boot, incapable of being shifted even an inch by any on the island, much less the meager blast the Warlord had unleashed.

Satisfied that any potential interfering elements had been dealt with, Kuma reached down, hefted his target by the back of his jacket, and strode into the debris. His secondary target, tracked through the maelstrom by the systems crammed into his head, was still right where he'd left him.

Reaching the calculated location, Kuma dislodged a slab of debris and beheld the slumbering form of his other target, Monkey D. 'Straw Hat' Luffy. The titanic entity reached down towards the rubber man—

 _ **WARNING!**_

And froze as his sensors and Haki both blared out a warning of imminent danger. In accordance with the warning, Kuma erected a minimal, non-hardened barrier of Armament Haki over his body, a precaution that was very much overkill in the waters of Paradise.

" _IMPERIAL LION'S ANTHEM!"_

SLASH!

"Gh…" Kuma's mind and processors alike reeled when a disproportionately strong attack was registered slamming into his chest, actually forcing the naval bioweapon to take a step back for balance. No critical damage arose from the assault, obviously, but it was with no small amount of silent respect that Kuma observed the opening rent in his shirt, and the infinitesimally small scratch in the **[CLASSIFIED]-** alloy plating that lay beneath.

Not a trace of this respect showed on Kuma's face as he turned to observe his assailant—just cold apathy. "Roronoa Zoro," he calmly stated. "Your power exceeds that which has been previously observed. I shall inform my superiors that your threat level is to be re-evaluated."

The swordsman didn't respond, too busy glaring daggers at the expanse of metal he'd exposed. "A goddamn Marine _cyborg._ As soon as I save Cross's ass, I am going to _kill him."_

Formulating a strategy based around the new information he had analyzed, as well as the information on the swordsman's intent and ability he'd gleaned through his reacting Observation, Kuma spoke the words he knew he would incite the desired reaction. "That is false. Monkey D. Luffy and Jeremiah Cross shall both meet their ends at the hands of the Marine's executioners."

An _inferno_ of outrage flared into existence in the swordsman's eyes, and he roared, pouncing on the Warlord. "LIKE HELL, YOU BASTARD! ONI—!"

Kuma snapped his arm up, interposing his insensate captive between himself and his assailant.

Zoro choked, aborting his attack and rolling past Kuma to avoid bisecting Cross. "Sonnuva—!"

That was as far as he got before Kuma stepped forwards and _shoved_ his chest. A shove that sent Zoro _skipping_ across the debris and desperately gasping for breath, ribs creaking ominously.

Finally, the green haired swordsman collided painfully with a raised rock, his lungs still gasping for air and the lack of oxygen leaving his vision hazy. Even in his condition the swordsman did have enough of his wits about him to flip himself onto his hands and knees and react appropriately when he caught sight of the light building in Kuma's gaping maw. That is to say, pale dramatically. "Oh, you have _got_ to be—!"

Rather than finish that thought, Zoro bodily heaved himself away, not particularly caring _where_ he landed so long as it was somewhere that qualified as 'not remotely close to the starting point original position'. And it was a good thing he did too, because a second later—

 _Ping!_ _**KABOOM!**_

"Gah!"

—he was sent sprawling by the thermoluminescent reaction that erupted from whatever the hell was stuffed in the Warlord's throat.

Beaten, bruised, wounds from fighting Ryuuma throbbing painfully, and now partially flash-fried all over, all Zoro could do was wheeze in pain as he lay prone on the uneven ground, eyeing the melted remains of the rock he'd been lying against moments earlier. "What…" he bit out. "The hell _are_ you?"

"A Pacifista," Kuma answered bluntly, his voice still devoid of inflection. "A human weapon made to the serve the World Government, built by—"

"On second thought, save it," Zoro interrupted, growling with effort as he painstakingly forced himself into a kneeling position. "Cross'll just tell me everything important about your tincan of an ass later."

Kuma took a moment to delete that comment from his memory before replying. "Again, that is incorrect." To emphasize the point, the cyborg hefted his captive again. "Jeremiah Cross and Monkey D. Luffy will be coming with me, and you will never see them again."

Zoro bit out a sharp _tsk_ at that, and then was silent for a long moment, hands balling into fists. "The reason you're taking them… it's because the World Government wants blood, is that right? It wants heads to roll?"

Kuma slowly bowed his head, deepening the shadows cast by his hat. "…that is correct."

"…then in that case, how about a trade." The swordsman met Kuma's glowing gaze dead on, without a trace of hesitation or weakness. "My head for theirs. I'm not worth as much as them, and their faces might be more infamous… but…" He rammed his fist into his chest, his teeth grit with pride and determination. "I _am_ the man who will be the strongest swordsman in the world. Given time, I'll kill a Warlord with nothing but my blade, and my name will be known the world over, more than both of those idiots combined! That has to be worth something to you! That has to be worth their lives!"

Kuma remained impassive throughout the speech, and for a little longer after it was finished. "Your claims bear merit, and I am amenable to what you propose… save for an error you have made."

Zoro tensed furiously. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Kuma's held up a single finger on his free hand. "One life in exchange for one life. It does not matter how much acclaim any one person might hold, the fact remains: one does not equal two. You may take the place of Jeremiah Cross, or you may take that of Monkey D. Luffy." Kuma bowed his head, glasses shining from the shadow of his hat. "But you are not worth both. Choose."

For one of the few instances in Zoro's life, his very core was stricken with doubt and hesitancy, and true fear etched itself across his face.

"Tsk. What the hell are you so worried about, mosshead? Sounds easy enough to me."

Both Zoro and Kuma turned their attention to a clearly exhausted Sanji, who was working his way over to them with a scowl on his face.

"You take the shitty captain," he coughed out painfully. "And I'll take the shitty bigmouth. It's not _that_ hard. It's gonna suck like hell, of course, but hey…" The cook shot a bloody grin at his rival. "The things we do for this crew, right?"

"You—!" Zoro started to protest.

"Hey, leadbelly!" Sanji shouted, ignoring the first mate in favor of striding up to the Warlord. "You want a second head? You got one. I'll admit, I'm not as infamous as the rest of these clowns, and my dream… well, compared to them, some might even call it lacklustre…" He jabbed his thumb at his chest. "But damn it all, I've got _some_ worth in me, and if ever there was a time to use it, it's now." He cast a wistful glance back at Luffy's body. "Sorry, Captain… guess you're gonna need a new—"

" _ **MORON!"**_

 **~o~**

 _WHAM!_

"GAH!" Sanji winced as Luffy brought his fist crashing down on top of his skull. "Sonnuva—! What the hell do you think you're— _grk!?"_ Any protests the cook were about to make were cut off by our captain grabbing his collar and dragging him face to _apoplectic_ face.

"If you _ever_ do anything that boneheaded again, then I'll kick your ass inside out! GOT IT?!" Luffy snarled

"YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON I WANT TO HEAR THAT FROM!" Sanji roared right back.

Luffy… actually blinked in confusion at that. "So, wait, you'll still do it again?"

"Me and every other person on this damn crew! Right, everyone?!"

There was a general rumble of agreement from everyone present, which I myself was a part of. "He's gotcha there, Luffy," I noted.

Luffy eyed us all before slumping in defeat. "Awww… that always worked when Sabo and Ace did it…"

"Probably because they were, ah… more… mature?" Vivi offered tentatively.

Luffy slumped even further. "That's the one thing everyone's always said I can't be…"

Vivi palm promptly met her forehead before any of us could strike ours to the back.

" _Anyway,"_ Su cut in, focusing on our chef. "Sanji, if you were laying your neck on the line, why didn't you go through… _that_ instead of Nami?"

"Zoro stopped you, right?" I posited. "I mean, even with that ultimatum, God knows he's bone-headed enough to _try."_

Sanji grimaced and slowly looked away. "Ah…"

"RIGHT POSITION…" Soundbite cut in with a downcast look of his own. " _ **But… WRONG RANKING."**_

 **~o~**

"Sorry, captain… guess you're gonna need a new—"

 **KRRRR-** _ **ZAP!**_

" _GRK!"_ Sanji shuddered in agony, his every muscle locking up from the live current invading his body. "What… the…!?"

That was all he managed to get out before his tenderized frame gave up the ghost, and he collapsed into a boneless heap.

Zoro could only blink at the spectacle in shock. "The hell—?!"

"Sorry, Sanji…"

Both Zoro and Kuma—one incredulous and one impassive—stared as 'Weather Witch' Nami hobbled up to them, Eisen cloud wrapped around her bleeding right leg and her body leaning heavily on her Clima Tact as she limped her way across the shattered stone.

"But just this once…" she huffed painfully. "The knight in shining armor… is going to have to step aside… for the big bad _witch."_

"You—! How the hell are you still standing!?" Zoro demanded.

The navigator rapped her knuckles on her Eisen cloud, which momentarily broke the strong front she was putting up with a full-body shudder of pain. "My Eisen Tempo. I froze up too long to shield anyone else, and I still got hit pretty bad… but it was enough to keep me going. Meaning that now…" She glared at the Warlord with fierce determination. "I'm available to do my job."

"And what the hell— _gugh,"_ Zoro coughed as his body was wracked with tremors. "Do… you think _that_ is!?"

"Easy," Nami growled, her tone brooking no compromise. "I'm the second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, ranking right below you. If it's _anybody's_ business to be offering up their lives for this crew, then it's just as much mine as it is yours! SO COME ON!" This last bit was roared at Kuma, the arm not holding her Clima-Tact gesticulating wildly. "Take me too! I'm the second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, I'm one of the groundbreaking rookies of this generation and _damn it!"_ A fire blazed in Nami's eyes. "I'm the _best goddamn Navigator_ in all of Paradise, and I was going to map every inch of this godforsaken world with my own two hands. I'm one of the best… so if you swap me for him?" She jabbed a finger at Cross. "Then congratulations on the bargain, because you won't lose a single damn _thing."_

For a long moment, Zoro stared at her in disbelief before frowning solemnly. "You're not backing down about this," he said more than asked.

Nami responded with a defiant nod. "I've been in this position before. I've been here…" Her hand ghosted over the tattoo on her shoulder, drawing a grimace from her. "And I am _not losing someone again."_

Zoro regarded for a moment longer before slowly shifting his glare back to Kuma. "Me for the rubber-brain," he repeated.

"And me for the loudmouth," Nami concurred. "What do you say, Kuma? Deal or no deal? Though either way…" An offshoot of her clouds started to crackle and darken. "They are _not_ leaving this island."

"Now show us you have some honor," Zoro growled, throwing his swords at his feet.

The Warlord stared at them, his shielded eyes and perpetually frowning mouth giving away no hint of his feelings. Finally, once more, he sighed.

"If I were to lay a hand on either of them now, I would be put to shame."

The first and second mates relaxed marginally.

"However."

And just like that the tension rammed right back to maximum.

"As you have both pointed out, for all that you have dreams, you are worth significantly less than your crewmates. As such, you will make up the difference yourselves…" The shadows around Kuma seemed to deepen into pitch-black darkness. " _By venturing into the depths of Hell."_

Before either of the crew's officers could ask what he meant, Kuma raised his captive in one hand, and pressed his other to Cross's back. A large pink sphere with dots floating above it, resembling a pawprint, ballooned out of him and came to a rest in the air before them; it was almost as tall as Kuma himself.

"What the hell did you just do?!" Nami demanded.

"Do not worry. I simply repelled the pain and fatigue that Jeremiah Cross has accumulated over the last twenty-four hours," the Warlord calmly answered. "If you are prepared to take their places, then you will take them in their entirety. With the pain that the two of you have taken already, you will die excruciating deaths from taking in your crewmates' as well. Observe for yourselves." And before the other pirates could react, he ghosted his hand through the orb, withdrew a pair of softball-sized bubbles of the energy, and lobbed them at the mates.

Nami and Zoro grit their teeth, mustering up every ounce of resolve they had in preparation to weather whatever was about to strike them.

The moment that the bubbles entered their bodies, their resolves _shattered._

" _YEEEEAAAAAAAAAARGH!"_

A full five minutes later, Kuma loomed over the pair's twitching forms, his expression still resembling a stone wall.

"Do you still want it?" Kuma asked softly.

Nami ignored him in favor of hacking up a mouthful of blood. "How… the hell is _that_ … what Cross was feeling?" she wheezed hoarsely.

" _Huff… huff…_ the freaking _hell_ we've all just gone through… he got a hole in his side… he's probably gotten used to his limbs while we aren't… all those other _health issues_ he has…" Zoro bit out. "Take your pick."

"Argh…" Nami winced as she slowly inched herself into a sitting position _._ "I don't suppose… you'd be up for a trade?"

"Ah, yes, I suppose I should show you your captain's as well," Kuma mused. So saying, he walked over to where Luffy was, replaced Cross with him, and then started to push out another bubble of distilled suffering. And then he kept pushing, and pushing, and _pushing._

Zoro's eye twitched as he beheld an orb that was _bigger_ than Kuma. "Better not."

The only response Nami could muster was a squeak of agonized terror.

The swordsman let out a tired _tsk_ and shook his head _._ "Whatever… hey, bear bastard," he said, a glare directed at the Warlord. "We'll do it. Just… let us change the place we do it, alright?" He grunted when Nami looked at him in confusion. "Don't wanna hit anyone by accident while we're…"

The navigator shuddered as she conceded the point, and slowly, painstakingly made her way to her feet, a shaky tendril of clouds moving to offer a hand to the swordsman. "Let's just get this over with before my nerves give out."

And so the two started to walk off into the woods…

 **~o~**

The snail was tearing up by this point, fighting to stay focused. " _I, AH, I SPOKE UP THEN. DIDN'T TRY TO STOP THEM, NO POINT IN IT, but…_ **in the end, I, ah… got them to take me with them** … COULDN'T JUST… **LEAVE THEM ALONE, AFTER ALL.** SO THEY… PUT ME _on that branch…_ _ **and I watched.**_ **THEY PUSHED INTO THEIR BALLS,** _ **and… and…"**_ He started shivering in place, staring at nothing.

"What happened _after_ that?" I asked, as gently but firmly as I could.

Soundbite jerked out of whatever hell he'd been revisiting, allowing himself a massive—if redundant—snort before powering on. " _It, uh… n-not much,_ **really. KUMA… H-HE SAW THAT** _ **they were still alive, and then, uh… h-he left, easy. YOU GUYS… YOU ALL WOKE UP A BIT AFTER THAT, A-AND HERE WE ARE."**_

Soundbite was silent after that, probably resting his voice, and nobody spoke, letting the magnitude of what had happened sink in. But it didn't last more than a couple of seconds before Chopper set another bottle of liquid lozenge beside him and moved back towards Nami and Zoro.

"Soundbite, can you give me some specifics on what they went through?" he asked grimly. "I'm sorry, but the more information I have, the better and faster I can make their treatment go."

Soundbite shuddered, but before I could stop him he snatched up the bottle and took a swift chug before spitting it out. I only just managed to catch it before it hit the ground. " _The external wounds, they… they did it to themselves._ THEY WERE FLAILING ON THE GROUND, SLAMMING INTO ANYTHING NEARBY. _**Internals though… I-I don't know, I think some was sheer overexertion, but…**_ **OTHERS SOUNDED LIKE THEY JUST OPENED SPONTANEOUSLY."**

Chopper frowned, tapping intently at his temple. " _I recall reading about a few cases of injuries appearing after dreams due to the dreamer suffering intense pain in the middle of the fantasy… perhaps this is the same phenomena, the mind making the fantasy real due to the transference of pain being so accurate?"_ Closing his eyes, he exhaled, and the madness eased from his still-tense frame. "Alright, that'll help, but… what about the more…" He glanced at Nami, or more specifically her mummified arm.

Soundbite shook his head. "ZORO… _**he was hurt bad,**_ **BUT EVEN THROUGH THE PAIN, THE AGONY, HE COULD PUSH THROUGH IT!** _ **AFTER ALL, HE'S ZORO!"**_ For a second, he wore a confident grin, and then the look shattered. "… _B-BUT NAMI… she wasn't that strong._ _ **She was crying and crying,**_ **literally** **ripping herself to shreds… T-THEN SHE STARTED… T-TO GO FOR HER OWN THROAT.** _ **I-I couldn't do anything…**_ **so I did THE ONLY THING** _I could._ **I SHOUTED MYSELF** _hoarse for hours,_ I KEPT TELLING HER _SHE WASN'T ALONE,_ _ **that she could make it through this.**_ _I JUST…_ _ **I COULDN'T LET HER GO THROUGH IT ALONE…**_ "

Soundbite could barely keep swallowing as he finished, tears streaming down his eyestalks. I reached out and patted his shell, as did Sanji and several others.

"You did good, Soundbite," I murmured, and everyone else echoed my words. We watched as he slowly calmed down, the tension that had been present the whole time draining out of him. Then he smiled thankfully and retreated into his shell, asleep in a second. Sanji turned to me, clearly gathering his thoughts, and then, finally, he huffed out a sigh.

"…I'm not misguided enough to keep blaming you now that I know all of the facts, Cross," he said quietly. "But this kind of oversight… the two of them almost _died._ Even if you knew that we couldn't do anything to change this part of the future… we could have at least changed what came next."

"I get it, and you know that I'm already beating myself up to hell and back for this—"

"Cross."

Luffy's voice ended my babbling almost before it started, the rubber man frowning seriously at me. "You did the best that you could. The only one to blame for this is the World Government. And you already know that Nami doesn't blame you. Zoro won't either. We still beat Thriller Bark, we still beat Moria, and we're all still alive. Don't beat yourself up." He turned to Sanji sternly. "And don't tell him he needs to."

"I'm not." Sanji huffed out a cloud of smoke as he looked me in the eye. "I just want to make sure that we don't end up blindsided like that again. Just… from now on, make sure your plans have a fail-safe for the worst-case scenario, no matter how unlikely it is. That's all I'm asking."

"I…" I searched for a response before finally nodding sadly. "I'll do my best. Though, just to reiterate, in this case there _was_ no viable fail-safe. Going up against Kuma… can't win, can't run. Fighting him's as hopeless as fighting _Mihawk_ again, and Mihawk we can _try_ and run from if he doesn't care enough."

"Just gimme a few years…"

Chopper snapped into his Heavy Point and rammed a needle in Zoro's chest in almost a single move. "I am not," he growled out with as the swordsman slipped back under. "Dealing with him conscious. _For three more hours._ _ **Any complaints?"**_

"Nope!" Funkfreed hastily saluted.

"Not a one!" Conis shook her head vigorously.

"TAKE THE WOMAN, SPARE OUR WORTHLESS LIVES!" Mikey wept as he shoved Raphey in front of him—

"ASSHOLE!" _WHAM!_

—only for her to spin around and clock him something fierce.

"When I'm done with you—!" the pink-bandanna'd dugong swore furiously, ramming flipper into flat—

 _THWOCK!_ "GAH!"

Before yelping in shock when a _needle_ rammed into her neck.

"I believe I heard something earlier," Chopper grinned a very _twitchy_ grin at her. "About _sucking side wounds?"_

Due to how fast she paled, it was hard to tell whether Raphey went down due the drugs in her system or the sheer fear that flooded her brain. Personally? I give it fifty-fifty.

" _Now…"_ He _sloooowly_ rotated his head around so that he could eye the rest of us, faint traces of cyan madness just _waiting_ to be unleashed. " _Does_ _ **anyone else**_ _have something they want looked at?"_

"Ah, C-Carue! Get me a ride back to Big Bro Sunny, I've got to make sure he's OK!" Merry yelped, swinging onto the duck's back, who shot off like a bullet.

"HEY, THAT'S _MY_ DUCK! GET BACK HERE!" Vivi shouted, sprinting after the pair as fast as her own bandages allowed. Which, considering how he was a supersonic duck, was pretty admirably fast.

"Uh, wh-why don't we start looting the manor? Get a _niiice_ and sizeable horde going so we can appease Nami once she's up?" Donny suggested in a panicked voice. He waited for a response…

"All in favor? Guys?"

Before finally realizing his fellow pupils had already ditched him, a dust cloud indicating their route, and he zipped off after them.

"Welp!" Boss stretched energetically, wholly _ignoring_ the swathe of bandages wrapped around his chest. "I'm not going to let something as trivial as a hole in my chest—or several—slow me down. Time to get right back to training." He then snapped a flipper up, nonchalantly catching a syringe-dart out of the air moments before it struck his neck. "Sorry, _Doctor,_ but my schedule trumps your ord—GRRK!"

Unfortunately, his gloating left him open to the _second_ syringe that found itself lodged in his flipper.

"Whale… barnacles…" _THUD!_

Aaaaand that was him down.

"…Well, then. With your permission, Doctor, I believe I'll go investigate the mouth-gate to see if Absalom is still there," Robin said with a cool smile that fooled absolutely no one, walking off into the forest at a slightly too-brisk clip. Sanji glanced between her retreating form and the unconscious Nami presided over by Chopper, sighed, and followed after Robin into the woods.

"Franky, you know the way to the kitchen, yes? Could you lead me there?" Brook asked, actually sounding entirely casual. Either he really wasn't scared (probably foolish enough to think that Chopper _didn't_ have a way to down him at a moment's notice) or he was just… really good… at hiding his… no, he was just an idiot. "It's just that I'm parched you see. Why, you could even say that I'm—!"

"Yeah yeah, bone dry, hilarious, _let's go!"_ And then they were gone.

"Hey, Luffy! I think I just saw a ghost! You wanna go ghost hunting? Let's go ghost hunting!" Usopp exclaimed, dragging Luffy along with him… or at least, his arm, which was presently stretching out while Luffy stared curiously after Usopp. Now, _he_ was obviously oblivious.

"Eh? What are you talking about, Usopp?" Luffy asked with honest curiosity. "All the ghosts on the island were fakes, remember? There aren't any real ones… here, anyways. How come you're lying? And why's everyone so scared of Cho—?"

" _JUST GET OVER HERE ALREADY!"_

"WAH!" Luffy yelped when he was suddenly jerked out of his seated position by a particularly hard yank.

I watched after them with a bit of amusement before glancing to my side. The transceiver was still there, thank goodness; no matter what our crew had done, I wouldn't have put it past Kuma to abscond with it. I made to lift the flap—

 _TH-TH-TH-TH-TH-THUNK!_

And then my hand froze as half a dozen scalpels embedded themselves in said bag, tracing around my fingers in such a way that twitching a millimeter would draw blood. _Veeeery_ slowly, I turned my head, and beheld a pair of pure cyan eyes glaring back at me.

" **Jeremiah Cross,"** Chopper intoned darkly. " **I have been pushed to my limits even more than Enies over the last several hours, and** _ **this**_ **is pushing me even more. As soon as I finish restocking my supplies, I am going to sedate** _ **myself**_ **and spend the next few days sleeping off my exhaustion. So, while I have the chance, I am giving you a doctor's order: do not do** _ **anything**_ **that would invite the chance of the Marines sending someone to track us down and finish us off before I wake up,** _ **or I will tear your limbs out of their sockets and have Sanji prepare them FOR MY DINNER. Do I make myself clear?"**_

"Crystal," I squeaked. Once he turned away from me, I frowned as I considered what to do; doctor's orders aside, with Soundbite out cold, I wouldn't be making any broadcasts or calls anytime soon. I looked over the few that were still left, and nodded as I decided on a plan of action.

"Hey, Conis, could you teach me how to shoot… basically anything that's a _sane_ caliber for people to carry? I'm not planning on using a pistol anytime soon, but I'd be more comfortable if I could hold one without having to worry about a case of leadfoot."

"Oh? Sure thing, Cross," Conis smiled, unstrapping one of her spare pistols and handing it to me.

"What about us, Cross?" Lassoo asked, some indignation in his voice.

"You two are going to be working on something else entirely. And the same goes for you, Su," I ordered, my serious tone causing all three of them to straighten. "I want you to go through what's left of the manor, every nook and cranny, and then comb over the island itself. If by some miracle we missed any zombies, salt them and free them. But more importantly, keep your eyes, ears, noses, and anything else you have available open for the Mysterious Four. If you find any of them, report back to the Sunny; none of them _should_ be combat ready if they're still here, but I think we can all agree we don't need to deal with _another_ sneak attack. Got it?"

"You can count on us, Cross!" Funkfreed saluted proudly.

Su, meanwhile, grinned widely before jumping onto Lassoo's back and jabbing a paw forward. "Mush, faithful steed!" she sang.

"This 'faithful steed' is gonna chew your tail off…" Lassoo grumbled, but he still started trotting off in the indicated direction, Funkfreed following close behind.

That done, Conis and I both headed off in the general direction of the Sunny. Going by how neither of us wound up taking an anesthetic-aided dirt nap after a few steps, I'm fairly certain that Chopper begrudgingly approved.

 **-Three Hours Later-**

Sunny, once again decked out in paper lanterns to shine like his namesake, fairly glowed in the dreary fog of the Florian Triangle. Part of my mind dwelled on that part as I secured my headphones and took aim at the bull's-eye again. In canon, Thriller Bark had wound up sailing out of the Florian Triangle by sheer dumb luck courtesy of Oars-Luffy messing with the sailing, which of course hadn't happened here. I grimaced at that; sure, we still had the Log Pose, but I didn't fancy staying in this dead sea any longer than we needed to. And after the literal nightmares of this island, I was _seriously_ aching ready to see the sun again. Hell, I'd even take the moon and the stars if they were available, just so long as it meant I wasn't being _strangled_ anymore. And I knew I wasn't the only one with this opinion either.

I fired twice, frowning slightly as I took in the placements of my bullets: an improvement from an hour ago, but a long shot from perfect. Like my plans, it seemed. Sure, I had spared the time to discreetly sneak another glance at Luffy's (read: Ace's) Vivre Card before coming back to the Sunny, and it was as whole as ever… but Kuma still came.

Even if forewarning wouldn't have made a difference, and even if it hadn't been due to the SBS, I should have figured he _was_ going to come, and I should have acted on it. Maybe then Zoro and Nami…

I shook my head, refocusing my body on shooting while I let my mind focus on matters to come. The past was the past, and it _sucked,_ but that was it. Instead of wallowing, I had to focus on what was pertinent: that we'd be seeing Kuma again sooner rather than later, and that I needed to start thinking about what I'd do when that time—

 _THWACK!_

"Yeow!" I yelped, clapping a hand to the new lump I had growing on the back of my head. Damn it, note to self, start wearing my hat more religiously, _but for now—!_ "What the hell was that for!?" I snapped at an _irritatingly_ pleasant Conis, who even had the gall to keep her hand in a post-chop position.

"'That', as you call it, was what we White Berets tend to do when our trainees fail to properly focus when they're in the middle of training," Conis sunnily answered, her smile never wavering. "I hope you honestly don't think I'm going to cut you any slack just because you're only doing this as a 'just-in-case' skill. I won't have you disgracing me as a White Beret~!"

I frowned in protest. "But I—!"

 _THWACK!_

"Mother—!" I clapped my free hand over my throbbing brow.

"Now, Cross," Conis admonished, shaking her finger at me as though she were disciplining a child. "Unless whatever you're thinking about is liable to kill us all in the next few minutes if you _don't_ think about it, then I'm sure you can take a break, even if just for a bit!" Her pleasant demeanor then crumbled into worried fretting. "…uuuunless whatever it is you're thinking about actually _could_ kill us all if you don't think about it, in which case please carry on thinking about it post haste. Could it?"

I spent a few seconds gaping in awe of her emotional 180… "Pft!" Before hiding a chuckle behind my fist, my tension slipping out along with it. "No… no, you're right, a few minutes _won't_ be the death of us…" I raised my pistol back into a ready position, and focused intently on my target. "So, I'll just have to use it making sure that it'll be the death of someone else!"

Conis smiled anew, stepping back and giving me a thumbs up. "Clear!"

 _BL-BL-BLAM!_

I set the gun down and waited with bated breath as Conis stepped up to inspect the target, cupping her chin as she looked over it. A second later, she nodded. "Three hits… two on the outermost circle and… one just grazing the bullseye? Not bad at all, Cross!"

"Tsk, speak for yourself…" I let out a frustrated sigh, scratching the back of my neck. "Come on, I habitually hit ten for ten with a two-ton _cannon,_ shouldn't my aim with a markedly lower caliber weapon be better?"

"Hweehwee, you hit _jack,_ loudmouth."

I cast a disgruntled glance over my shoulder as our search party returned, Lassoo leading them with an annoying smirk on his muzzle. "Something you wanna add to the conversation, howlitzer?"

"Just that you're glossing over _my_ part in your prior bouts of applied firepower," Lassoo sniffed haughtily. " _You_ point me in the right directions and hold me steady, while _I_ do the itty-bitty work! Alone? You can't hit a target worth spit! Hweehwee—!"

"Wanna see how well I can plant my boot between your legs?" I asked flatly, tapping the toe of my greave on the lawn.

"—YIP!" I was subsequently treated to the unique sight of a dog trying to cross its hindlegs in desperate panic. "I'll be good, I'll be good!"

"Anyway," Funkfreed cut in, drawing my attention away from the mutt. "We couldn't find Moria or any of his lackeys. The rest of the crew even helped us out, but… it looks like they're truly gone."

"And all of the zombies have been purified, too," Lola added as she came up onto the deck, waving in greeting. "The only shadows left on this island are all in their proper places. Though…" She scowled irritably. "I'm of two minds about the fact that our tormentors aren't here anymore. Any ideas where they've gotten off to?"

"Hrmph…" I cupped my chin in thought. "If I had to guess? Kuma must have taken them with him when he left. Hogback's got a lot to answer for, and heinous though he might be, Moria _is_ still a Warlord, and the other two's Devil Fruits are useful besides, so—"

" **No…** _ **that's not…**_ **RIGHT…"**

"Soundbite?" I asked in surprise, snapping my attention over to the barrel where my snail _had_ been snoozing. Now, however, he was clearly newly awakened and blinking blearily at us. "What do you mean?"

" _Forgot until now, but…"_ Soundbite loosed a jaw-cracking yawn before continuing. " **KUMA DIDN'T TAKE MORIA. He took Hogback, yeah… but that's it.** _I HEARD HIM SEARCHING AFTER…_ THAT, _BUT HE COULDN'T FIND HIM._ _ **ABSALOM TOO… and Perona for that matter.**_ _Hogback was arrested_ **nice and clean, but the rest of THE MYSTERIOUS FOUR…** THEY'RE JUST GONE…"

"Cross?" Su eyed me warily.

"I…" I frowned in thought. "I don't know. _Normally,_ I'd guess they did the same thing they did in the story: take the backup ship that they had stashed here and sail away to regroup, but…" I shook my head slowly. "With Moria in the state he was in, and without Hogback around… I… honestly don't have a clue…"

"So they're just… gone?" Lola confirmed slowly. She shook her head in awe as she took it all in. "I… just don't know how to feel about that. To think that everything, well, _evil_ about this place could just disappear like that. It almost doesn't seem _real,_ you know?"

" **Well…"** Soundbite offered slowly. " _I think I can give you_ ONE EXPLANATION…"

"Oh, yeah?" Su sneered. "What's— _gah!"_

Our powderfox's exclamation didn't need an explanation, as we were all made aware of a slight bit of misinformation. Despite our expectations, we actually _weren't_ in the Florian Triangle anymore. Or rather, going by how _some_ fog still hung over the island's sky, we were on the very edge of it. While half of the island was still shrouded in fog, a look the east made it impossible to think we weren't outside the Triangle.

After all, the first light of day shining over us couldn't happen in that dead fog.

"It's the sunrise," Conis breathed.

" _And there's your explanation…"_

"Soundbite?" I blinked at him in surprise.

My partner responded with a wry grin before starting to speak.

" _ **If we shadows have offended,**_

 _ **Think but this, and all is mended—**_

 _ **That you have but slumbered here**_

 _ **While these visions did appear.**_

 _ **And this weak and idle theme,**_

 _ **No more yielding but a dream."**_

We were all silent for a bit as we mulled it over. After chasing a few thoughts down their rabbit holes, I decided to give him a flat look as I scooped him onto my shoulder. "… OK, that's nice, but seriously."

" **Fucked IF** _I know!"_ Soundbite shrugged unashamedly.

"Also, wasn't there another line after that last one?" Funkfreed queried.

" _Oh, shut up and let it RHYME."_

I chuckled at the exchange, and then perked up as a thought occurred to me. "Ooh, now that I think about it, if ever there were a time—!" I turned in the direction of the manor… and slumped in disappointment when the horizon remained frustratingly silent. "Aww…"

"What did you think was going to happen?" Conis tilted her head expectantly.

"Zoro and Nami would wake up and then Zoro and Luffy would start raising a ruckus. Come on, the timing would have been perfect!"

"Yeah, _too_ perfect!" Lola snorted in amusement as she finally tore her gaze away from the rising sun. "Come on, that'd be clichéd as anything! What, do you think this is some comic or something?"

We Straw Hats all considered that statement for a moment, before leaving Lola as the confused odd-woman-out as we all collapsed into fits of mad laughter.

 **-o-**

"So… how bad is it?" Nami asked, her voice almost cracking.

I flinched, glancing away from her as I tried to think of the right thing to say.

An hour or two after the sun had risen and dispelled the last of the shadows that were haunting Thriller Bark, our crew had all regrouped in the manor's ruins where Chopper had been tending to our crewmates. We'd _been_ partway through discussing whatever the hell our next step was supposed to be, but we'd been interrupted by more pressing matters. Namely that, thanks to Chopper's improved IQ and medical skills and their _very_ slightly lessened injuries (relatively speaking), Nami and Zoro had woken up far sooner than I'd expected. This, quite predictably, resulted in a pause in our discussions in favor of handling _that_ particular ball of worms.

Currently, everyone was occupied with their own affairs. Chopper, for his part, had apparently conked himself out the moment the sun had risen, and was snoozing away in Nami's lap.

Conis was running long-overdue maintenance on her arsenal, triaging what could and couldn't be salvaged while Su lent a paw where needed. Usopp and Franky had excused themselves to go start working on… _some_ project or other.

Sanji had run off to where the Rolling Pirates had started stockpiling supplies, in order to prepare the battery of dishes most everyone would need once they realized just how hungry they were. Leo, Mikey and Donny were all in the midst of committing what I was silently defining as an _involved_ form of suicide by practicing their… _artistic stylings_ on the still-sedated forms of Raphey and Boss.

And everyone else, well… they were all occupied with watching the little 'show' that was going on in the background.

Hence, that left me in the nominally uncomfortable situation of having to speak with Nami, who was currently fingering the bloodied bandage that covered her left shoulder.

For those of you who have a hard time remembering, that would be the shoulder where Nami's tattoo was located.

Or, to put it another way, that was the arm that Nami's free right hand had been able to claw into while she was trapped in the throes of _my_ agony.

"It's not… _completely_ ruined, if that's what you're worried about," I attempted to reassure her. "For the most part, it's fine."

Nami's fragile expression wavered as she ran her fingers through Chopper's fur. "But the part that isn't?"

I flinched, glancing to the side as I cursed just how damned sharp she was. "…you ripped off one of the pinwheel's larger arms. Not the one with the tangerine on it, don't worry!" I hastily reassured her when she suddenly flinched. "…but still. Ah, but! Fret not, I took the time to ask around the Rolling Pirates, and there's a tattoo artist ready and waiting. Just give them the design, and it'll be good as new—!"

"'For the most part'." I flinched as Nami brought up the one thing I hoped she wouldn't. "That's what you're not saying, right?"

I scratched the back of my neck with a pained grimace, because… well, she really wasn't wrong. Besides tearing the hide off her shoulder, Nami had also left her own mark on her skin below her shoulder too. Nothing crippling, thank goodness, but… well, no matter what world you're from, bloody claw marks just do _not_ scar well.

I was wrenched out of my thoughts by Nami heaving a massive sigh and clapping her hands together. "Well!" she announced with a sunny expression. "Guess that's that. Damn, and I had a rough enough time getting it on the first time, now this is just going to _suck."_

I blinked dumbly at our navigator. "Uh… seriously? _That's_ your reaction?!"

Nami shot a catty grin at me. "What, did you expect me to break down or something because my tattoo got a little ripped up? _Especially_ after you just told me that you've already found a way for me to fix it? Psh, come on, Cross, there's no way your opinion of me is _that_ low!" Sticking her tongue out at me, she continued, "I think I actually _am_ hurt, hurt beyond all belief! Big meanie~!"

"Ah, well… what about the—?"

"Scars? Come on, Cross…" She heaved an exaggerated sigh as she raised her shoulders in a shrug of defeat. "Your memory must be some kind of sieve or something. Remember _this?"_ She held her palm up to me and pointed out a… pale line on her…

"Oooh, right, forgot about that," I said, grabbing my own hand in sympathetic throbbing.

"Yup~" Nami sang casually. "As you can see, I'm thoroughly familiar with how the pirate life can leave you marked. It's totally fine, no need to worry about me! After all!" She grabbed her non-injured bicep and flexed it proudly. "I'm the infamous Weather Witch, a world-class scrooge and Second Mate of the Straw Hat Pirates! Nothing can bring me down!"

"Uh, well… if you're—?"

" _You realize you just_ _ **spouted that shit in front of someone**_ **WHO CAN READ YOUR HEART RATE LIKE A BOOK,** _ **RIGHT?"**_ Soundbite flatly stated.

And just like that I re-tensed as Nami suddenly flinched. "Soundbite, you little—!"

"I-It's alright, Cross," Nami reassured me, looking away as a few key parts of her visage crumbled—a twitching eye here, a trembling cheek there, all very hesitant—and betrayed her true feelings. "Fine, so I _was_ affected by what I went through, who the hell wouldn't be? That was… Kuma wasn't kidding when he said he'd put us through hell. But!" Nami took a _very_ slow and deliberate breath before looking me dead in the eye, true steel gleaming in her gaze. "As bad as that was, it _still_ doesn't compare to eight straight years sitting in that _damn room_ wishing for death. I'm used to it, I'll deal with it in my own time, and for the moment I. Am. _Fine._ Alright?"

I glanced back at Soundbite, who was frowning but didn't say anything. Ultimately, I decided that if I could trust her with my life, I might as well put a _little_ faith in her now. "Well… alright, if you say so. But if you need to talk or anything—!"

"Then I should clamp your maw shut and make _you_ listen to _me_ for a change? Can do!" Nami snickered into her fist.

I glanced away with a scowl. "Well, you don't need to say it quite like _that…"_

"Still, while we're talking about how each of us is feeling…" I looked back to Nami and caught her scrutinizing me intently. "How about you? Are _you_ feeling alright?"

"Um… pretty much, yeah?" I asked more than anything. "Better than I have in a while, which _you_ of all people should know better than anyone."

"Well, I only ask because…" Nami slowly turned her head to cast a flat glare at the madness going on in the background. "Well, if you're feeling alright, how come you're not putting on the same show that our beloved captain is?"

I glanced in the same direction, taking in the sight of Luffy leaning over Zoro's bed and Zoro leaning up towards him, both of them butting heads and shouting their lungs out at each other. It seemed like even Luffy didn't need to be told not to aggravate Zoro's wounds by way of percussive maintenance (though that may have only been because of how Chopper's snoring kept spiking whenever he started to move), but at the same time, he wasn't taking what his first mate had done lying down.

Buuut it was sort of hard to take them seriously considering that they seemed to be yelling more for the sake of yelling than anything. Most comical way to blow off stress I had seen since the journey started.

"Yeeeeaaaah, I guess I can understand your confusion…" I muttered, scratching my head. "I mean, if you want me to shout at you for being an idiot I can, but… honestly, I'm satisfied with just _calling_ you guys idiots. Which, by the way, you are."

"Hey, we saved your—!" Nami started to snap—

 _CLONK!_

" _Ow!"_ she yelped, cradling the spot where I'd chopped her noggin.

"You willingly walked into massive-ass bubbles of pure _pain_ while already on the verge of death!" I snapped, shaking my finger at her. "That is the _textbook definition_ of the word stupid!"

Nami growled bloody murder at me, before glancing away, mouth drawn into a surprisingly cute pout. "If it's stupid and it works—"

 _CLONK!_

"That only applies when _we_ do it, moron!" I shouted as I shook my hand out. Damn, and I thought _Luffy_ had a tough skull.

"DO YOU REALIZE HOW INSANELY HYPOCRITICAL YOU SOUND RIGHT NOW!?" Nami roared in my face, teeth in full-on shark mode.

"PIRATE, BITCH, WHATCHA GONNA DO!?" I roared right back.

Nami sucked in a deep breath to continue yelling. Then her mouth closed as she _finally_ noticed the shit-eating grin I was sporting. "…you're just screwing with me, aren't you?"

"Pfheheheh, kinda!" I chortled, casually leaning back and stretching my arms above my head. "I mean, I _am_ pissed at you for doing something so, to repeat, _bone-dead stupid,_ but I'd do it myself in a heartbeat, so as you said, guess that makes me a bit of a hypocrite, too. That's life, neh?"

Nami glared furiously at me. But at the continued ruckus from the rest of the crew she heaved a sigh of defeat and looked back towards the rest of our crew with a goofy grin playing across her face. "Hypocrites, idiots, mannerless savages, and uncouth barbarians. We are one _diverse_ bunch of bastards, aren't we?"

"Don't forget the monsters, demons, and assorted spectrum of psychotics!" I added.

Aaaand _that_ broke the camel's back.

"Snkrt…"

The sudden snort from Nami was enough to get me to look at her in surprise.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA _HAAAAA!"_

And then she _flung_ herself onto her back, flailing around as she howled like an absolute _lunatic._

All commotion around us came to a screeching halt as Nami's howling caught the attention of the rest of the crew, all of them staring in awe at the once-in-a-blue-moon sight of Nami almost literally busting every stitch she had to bust.

Luffy finally broke the awed silence by suddenly giggling like the crazy bastard he was. "Shishishishishi! FINALLY!" He threw his hands up victoriously. "Everyone's alright and everyone's happy!"

"Hey, I'm not done—!"

Luffy didn't lose a beat as he 'poked' (read: shoved) Zoro back onto his back, still grinning like a loon. "We're! All! Happy! So, now there's only one thing left to do!"

Everyone slowly exchanged eager looks as we all figured out where he was going with this, and as one we all shouted what we were all thinking.

" _LET'S PARTY!"_

"PARTY!" Boss and Raphey roared in agreement, snapping clean out of their drug-induced slumbers, all amped and ready to rock before blinking as they noticed one another's faces.

"Uhhh… B-Boss? Y-You've got a little somethin' on your…" Raphey gestured weakly at her teacher's face.

"Y-Yeah, you too, it's, ah…" Boss's eye twitched as he pointed back at his student.

There was silence as the two dugongs stared at one another, and then the air started _crackling_ around them as they snapped their heads around to glare at their fellow dugongs—who, it should be noted, froze into pale-eyed statues the instant their compatriots awoke—with murder literally _glowing_ in their eyes.

"Tell me, Boss," Raphey hissed in a low voice, slowly grinding her sais against one another, the action drawing _sparks_. "Is it a Man's Romance to kick the ever-loving _shit_ out of one's comrades for screwing around with a person while they're asleep?"

"Why, yes, Raphey," Boss stated in a _far_ too serene tone as he _somehow_ managed to crack nonexistent knuckles in his flippers, one after another, each as loud as a gunshot. "Yes, it _very much_ is."

The increasingly terrified Dugongs slowly inched back as much as their tails would allow. "Please tell me one of you guys has a plan…" Mikey whimpered. "Because I've got _jack…"_

"Can't think," Donny barely managed to get out. "Too scared. Regretting _so much."_

Leo, meanwhile, seemed only mildly nervous in the face of his fellow disciple and master's fury. "Don't worry guys," he calmly said. "I have a plan."

Mikey and Donny glanced back at him with newfound hope gleaming in their eyes. " _Really!?"_

"Yes," Leo nodded firmly, his demeanor astonishingly still calm. "You really think that I would go along with something this barnacle-brained if I didn't have a reason to think we would get away with it?"

" _Get away with it?"_ Boss snarled. " _How_ in Sebek's name do you think you're going to get away with _this?"_

"Well, Boss," Leo said, turning to look in a very particular direction. "Are you really mad enough that you're willing to take what will happen to _you_ if you aggravate our injuries?"

The other Dugongs followed his eyes, and Mikey and Donny smirked while Raphey and Boss stiffened as they saw their snoozing doctor.

"Actually, he left a message for me in case of something like this happening."

The Dugongs' attention turned towards Merry, who had a flat look on her face. "He said, and I quote, ' _If any of these morons provoke each other just because they think I'll magically intervene, the only help they'll get is me patching them up once I've woken up'._ "

Raphey and Boss's anger returned in full force while the other three gulped. "Please tell me you have a backup plan, Leo," Mikey squeaked.

"Of course I do," Leo said, notably more nervous but still possessing enough wits to slowly drag his new cutlasses out of their sheathes and position himself behind his fellow students. "Now, listen carefully. I need you both to look dead ahead."

The two snapped their gazes forward, meeting their compatriots enraged glares without flinching.

"Steel your backs, draw your weapons."

They drew their weapons and held them with pride, ready to fight to the death.

"And no matter what, don't you worry for even a moment!" Leo lowered his stance and tensed in preparation. "Because no matter what… I will definitely enjoy two more seconds of sweet sweet life!"

" _RIG—!"_ Donny and Mikey started to nod, aaaand then the words fully registered in their minds. " _Wait, wha—!?"_

 _SLAM!_

Leo rammed his hilts of his blades into his fellow students' backs, launching them at their comrades even as he ran the other way as fast as he could. "EVERY DUGONG FOR HIMSEEEEELF!" he wailed in a tearful panic. "I'LL REMEMBER YOUR SACRIFICE!"

 _WHAM! CRACK!_

Leo was _way_ off, Raphey and Boss didn't even need half a second to bat Mikey and Donny through the nearest walls before charging after him. "TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN, YOU BASTAAAAARD!" was the enraged howl that trailed after them.

We all stared after the dust trail that the trio left in their wake. And that just wouldn't do, would it?

"PARTY!" I shouted energetically.

"PARTY!" everyone cheered anew, though this time with a bit less enthusiasm overall.

"Eh?" Usopp blinked as he and Franky walked back up to us, layered with soot but otherwise looking pretty darned content with themselves. "What's going on?"

"PARTY!" Luffy whooped eagerly.

"We heard you the first time, Cross!" the Risky Brothers cut in as they poked their heads into the room, drawing our attention to the hustle and bustle of the Rolling Pirates setting up what promised to be one _helluva_ party.

"Alright, I'll lead the way to the kitchen!" one of them said before charging off in that direction.

"Alright, I'll start setting up tables!" the other said as he went off in his own direction with just as much energy.

"ALRIGHT! Ah, wait!" Luffy paused mid-charge, swinging his head left and right. "Who was going to the kitchen again!?"

"That one!" Vivi hastily answered, pointing at the one that had gone after the tables. She sighed in relief as he charged after him. "Carue, you go after him and keep him occupied. I'll go and warn Sanji to batten down the hatches."

"Aye-aye!" Carue saluted before heading after him, with Vivi departing at a far more sedate pace.

"I need to retrieve my violin!" Brook yelped in realization, scrambling frantically out the room.

"And I think I saw an intact piano somewhere around here, if you'd prefer," Robin added as she too began to wander off.

"Oh, that's better! Lead the way!"

"Hey! Franky! Usopp!" Merry shouted to the newcomers. "I've got an idea! Let's shoot up some fireworks! That'll be _really_ fun!"

"Uh…" Usopp and Franky exchanged perplexed looks before the sniper slowly raised a finger. "You _do_ realize that it's the middle of the morning, right?"

"Then we'll just have to make our fireworks all the brighter!" Merry decided.

Franky considered that for a moment before shrugging. "Eh, always _did_ appreciate a good challenge. Come on, let's get to it!"

I grinned as everyone began heading their own way, and was about to join them myself, only to eat a sudden jab to my side. I doubled over with a woof of pain, and shot a glare at a still-giggling Nami instead. "The hell— _GRK!?"_ I was cut off by the navigator grabbing my collar and dragging me face to face.

"First off, that was for being inconsiderate enough to make me laugh, because my _everything_ hurts right now," she grit out, her smile clearly pained. "And second, this is the best chance you're going to get to collect Merry and Vivi, duck out, and contact the Masons, so make the most of it!"

After only a few seconds of spinning its wheels, my brain decided that that was a great idea. So decided, I nodded and marched off, and a glance at my shoulder rewarded me with Soundbite nodding to confirm that he'd already called for our co-conspirators. I had just made it out the door when a thought occurred to me. "By the way, now that you've recovered, what was that new technique you mentioned earlier?"

"OH!" Soundbite perked up. "GASTRO-BARRIER, _a literal_ _ **wall**_ **of noise. I JUST** _WRAP MYSELF UP_ IN A SPHERE OF _**POLARIZED SOUND,**_ _and it_ DIVERTS _**most of whatever**_ **damage comes my way.** _It's a_ **WORK IN PROGRESS."** He frowned. " _Case in point:_ I COULDN'T SPEAK UP UNTIL _THE END OF THINGS_ _ **BECAUSE WHEN I USE IT, it eats up so much energy I**_ **black out."**

" _Real_ useful there, slimeball," Su drawled as she trotted past us.

" _AHH, SHADDAP!"_ Soundbite shot back.

"Huh. Nice lampshade," I commented idly.

"ARE YOU _**SERIOUS!?"**_ my partner snapped.

"What?" I blinked at him in surprise, pointing at the piece of furniture I was referring to. "It goes well with the wallpaper, that's all I'm saying."

The gastropod swung his eyes to where I was gesturing, then swung a flat stare back. " _I can't tell if you're A SMART ALECK OR JUST_ **really freaking stupid."**

"Yes," I answered as I exited the ruined manor. "Now, back to business—"

"Cross?"

I paused mid-step, taking a moment to shove down my frustrations at being interrupted, and turned back towards the voice. "What is it, Lola?"

I must not have managed to keep as much of the annoyance I felt out of my eyes as I'd intended, if the way the Captain flinched was anything to go by. "Ah, if this is a bad time—!"

I let out a hiss of exasperation and pinched the bridge of my nose, forcing myself to relax before addressing her again. "Sorry, sorry, I was just looking forwards to… _something._ But, in retrospect, I realize we've got a surplus of time on our hands right now, so I can talk. What's up?"

Lola perked up visibly at the reassurance and gave me her best grin. "Well, first off—"

"No, I won't marry you," I deadpanned, with… actually quite a bit of desperation in my voice, I'm not ashamed to admit.

"REJECTION NUMBER 4460!" chorused every Rolling Pirate in earshot, a call that echoed throughout the castle as it bounced from person to person.

"Well, it was worth a try," Lola shrugged before grinning anew. "Anyway… I actually wanted to ask for your advice on something. Assuming that the kings of insane plans don't mind hearing mine out?"

"Ma'am, you misconstrue us horribly! _Luffy_ is the grand supreme overlord of insanity." So saying, I swept my hat off and fell into a mock-bow. " _We_ are his humble generals. But still," I smirked as I straightened up and put my hat back on my skull. "You have our undivided attention."

"Heheh, fair enough," Lola chuckled in amusement before glancing away at the crowd of her crewmates. "Alright, I'll cut to the quick of it: Before today, I never really had a really solid plan in mind for what I'd do when I got my shadow back, because it all seemed so far off. Best I had was get us all a ship and hopefully burn this place to the ground before running for the hills. But… your talk on the SBS, the one that punted this whole thing off? It… inspired me." A grin slowly spread on her face. "In particular, that last line you said to the maid _really_ spoke to me: 'By daybreak, Thriller Bark won't even exist anymore'. And it got me thinking…"

Those words _really_ got my blood going. I leaned in, intent on whatever she had to say.

"Now that Moria and his lackeys have disappeared and the zombies are all gone, and like your little buddy said, with the rising sun the curse of this island is gone too… Well." She gestured eagerly at the ruins of the manor around us. "Just look at this place! I may have spent the better part of my stay here in the forest, and I may have hated every second of it, but now that we're in the sun again? Somehow, I actually think that this emptied out 'hell of shadows' doesn't seem like that bad of a place. And besides that… it's still completely seaworthy."

Suddenly, she threw her head back and barked out a harsh laugh. "I never would have even considered this before, but you Straw Hats… after meeting you, fighting with you? I feel like doing something _crazy_. As soon as my men have recovered and I get their OK, which I don't doubt I'll get? We're going to change up this whole island, from the ground up, and when we're through…"

Lola's grin was at the same time absolutely massive and incredibly vindictive. "We are going to spit and piss on the grave of Moria's dream in the most poetic way we can think of. We're going to take this prison of nightmares and darkness… and we're going to change it. We'll take this hell, and turn it into a heaven!" She spun around to face me and spread her arms wide with a mad cackle. "Feast your eyes, Jeremiah Cross, because you're looking at the future site of the biggest, boldest, and above all else _brightest_ pirate haven this world has _ever_ seen! And that's a promise on my pride as Captain 'Marriage Proposal' Lola!"

If my blood was racing before, it was positively _singing_ as she finished, my mind flashing over the sheer _awesome_ of what I had inspired. Destroying the enemy's base was all well and good, but _stealing it?_ Defiling it by _redeeming_ it!? I couldn't quite bring myself to do more than gape and grin at what was going on. I mean, the possibilities of having an entire island like this in the hands of an ally were _endless._ Of course, it'd be hard as hell for a single crew to pull off, no doubt, but—!

…but then… I had access to more means beyond my own crew, didn't I?

My lips slowly twisting into a maddened grin, I raised my hand and clapped it down on her shoulder. "Lola, your idea is a work of pure genius. But I think I can help you make it even _better."_ I stepped away and gestured for her to follow. "Come with me. I'd like to continue this in private, if we could."

Lola blinked at me in surprise before shrugging and following.

We walked for a minute or two, exiting out into the marginally clear—if rubble-strewn—courtyard of the ruins. Directed by Soundbite, we easily located the spot where Merry and Vivi had sequestered themselves. And going by how Merry was vibrating on the stone she'd pulled up and Vivi had her hands folded before her mouth in thought…

"I take it you heard all that?" I confirmed.

Vivi hummed in affirmation. "It's… certainly feasible. Places like Mock Town fall into hives of scum and villainy because of a lack of any central authority, but with the Rolling Pirates and whatever other survivors of Moria who join them running things…" She shrugged. "Plus, I can already tell you want to get Goat involved in this, so yes, I can see this place remaining respectable. What worries me are the resources, though…"

"Oh oh oh, that's _easy!"_ Merry hopped in place eagerly as she waved her hand in the air like a toddler on caffeine. "She can use the wrecks! There are _loads_ of sunken brothers and sisters in Thriller Bark's bottom! Some of them are rotten through, sure, but others were way way hardier, and their timbers and bodies are still good to go! Plus, I bet Ox can get _him_ to spare some muscle and skill to help with it, and Sagittarius probably has _loads_ of surplus he can funnel on the sly; we've got all we need!"

"Now, now, let's not get ahead of ourselves, we still need one last piece," I said, waving the hyperactive ship-girl down. Once Merry was down from 'ADHD chipmunk' to 'sugar high', I turned a serious face to Lola. "Captain Lola, from what I've seen thus far, I know for a fact that I can trust you. Implicitly, even. And with that in mind, I'd like to make you a proposition. _And not that kind._ "

"Damn," Lola swore, snapping her fingers. "Alright. You have my undivided attention."

"I would like to invite you into a…" I splayed my fingers against one another as I sought the right word. "Mutually beneficial alliance, of sorts, with our crew. An alliance that incorporates several other notable individuals, all on the down low, as you have no doubt gathered by now. Should you accept, not only would we be able to grant you the substantial resources you would require to accelerate the construction of your haven by a matter of…" I glanced questioningly at my co-conspirators.

"Years," Vivi offered.

"Decade to decades, easy," Merry corrected.

"But in the process!" I continued, starting to pace side to side. "We would also provide you with the extra manpower and liquid assets you would need to crew, govern, and maintain this behemoth of a paradise you envision. But of far more importance…" I tossed a mysterious grin her way. "You would be part of something _greater_ than either yourself or this new haven of yours. An undertaking, titanic in scale and scope, and extremely discreet in nature. And one whose goals, I believe, you would be _quite_ amenable to. And all that would be required for you to join this alliance…"

I offered my hand out to her.

"Would be for you to say _yes."_

"…I'm caught somewhere between seeing this coming a mile off and being utterly blindsided," Lola breathed as she stared at my hand. She then snapped a cautious stare at me. "Last time I accepted a free lunch, I walked right into hell itself. What's the catch?"

"Broad strokes would be that you help us in every capacity that a place like what you're envisioning has to offer, details will be specified once you join," Vivi returned smoothly, her gaze focused on her nails.

"And just in case you had any doubts, hopefully our presence here should make it clear that your closest confidants can be made aware of this arrangement," Merry sang, kicking her legs against her seat.

"Exploding offer, by the way," I warned her. "Technically goes bye-bye only when we leave the island, but the sooner you can—?"

"I am very interested, Cross," Lola interrupted. "And I'm certain that any investment involving you guys is going to pay off big time. So…" She grabbed my hand and shook it firmly. "Yes, I'll join. Now, about those details?"

I smiled, and wandered over to a nearby couple chunks of rubble, where I sat down and placed Soundbite before me. "Knucker, if you don't mind?"

" **Dialing now…"** the snail confirmed, and a few seconds later…

" _Pisces,"_ came a low voice.

"Ophiuchus," I responded. "I and mine are still alive—" I winced as the new scar in my side reminded me of its presence by throbbing painfully. "—Albeit pretty badly tenderized all around. Details later, but for now, I've got big news, on the scale of Sagittarius. Contact everyone who's available and call me back, and if Goat is occupied, tell him it's priority one. But stick to codenames until I say otherwise."

The line was silent for a moment.

" _I'll be back in a minute. KA-LICK!"_

There was a second of silence after Soundbite hung up, a second that Lola spent glancing around at my crewmates. "And you guys would be…?"

"Copperhead," Vivi offered.

"Cottonmouth~" Merry sang. "And Nami's Callie and Zoro's Sidewinder. You'll be learning a lot more soon, hope you've got a good memory!"

Lola nodded slowly in understanding. "And Luffy is…?"

"Uninvolved, but aware of our existence, as is the whole of the crew," I answered. "If they ask or really need to know we tell them, but…"

"They're focused on the adventure," Lola continued slowly. "While you deal with the wider world."

" **That's about the** LONG AND SKINNY _OF—_ PURU PURU PURU PURU!— _IT!"_ Soundbite agreed, interspersed with the ringing. " **Wow, that was quick! LET'S GET THIS—** PURU PURU PURU PURU!— _party started! KA-LICK!_ _ **And you are live!"**_

"Ladies, gentlemen, and assorted dregs of society!" I grandiosely proclaimed. "Ophiuchus checking in here, with Knucker, Copperhead and Cottonmouth at my side. Glad you all could make it, and I am just as glad to confirm for you all that _yes,_ we managed to kick Moria's hide. The SBS is currently delayed on doctor's orders in order to minimize the chances of the Marines coming calling for us while we're at a location they can readily access, but apart from that, we came out clean. So! Now that that's out of the way, who's present at the moment?"

" _I'm standing in for Cancer while he's off handling certain affairs,"_ Tashigi explained. " _Capricorn is occupied with her present assignment, which is apparently quite urgent, Sagittarius is on vacation for his anniversary, and both halves of Ox are occupied with their project."_

" _Leaving Pisces, Aquarius, and myself on the side of the Divine,"_ T-Bone wheezed. " _And Rooster and Monkey on the side of the Damned, with Goat present as well as per your request."_

" _And authority matters aside, this had better be important; you made me walk away from a—! From some very important matters, and I'm iffy about letting P—! My second call the shots on it!"_ Foxy growled.

"Worth it for all involved, not to worry," I assured him. "For the sake of not watching our words for too long, I'll get straight to the point: I've found a new candidate for the Damned, and she's standing next to me right now."

" _Well, of course, Heaven forbid we actually recruit anyone notable without your help,"_ Apoo groaned good-naturedly.

" _Chalk another one up for the Straw Hats! Haha!"_ Bartolomeo cackled.

" _I resent those implications!"_ Tashigi petulantly protested. " _Heck, I'll even have you know that Cancer and I have recruited a new possible addition to the Cleaners."_

"Only possible?" Merry asked 'innocently'.

Soundbite ground 'his' teeth for a second before slumping. "… _we're still convincing the stubborn little bastard, shut up."_

"As much as I'd love to use this to torment you, are you sure we can trust whoever this is? Where did you recruit him from?" I asked.

Tashigi snapped 'her' eyes up, but not soon enough to hide the gleam of murder in them. " _It's a very long story, weirder than some of the shit_ your _crew has done, and I've already had to tell it twice, and one of those times was tastefully redacted to hell and back. I'll give you the quick version after we deal with why you called in the first place. So! Who are we considering for membership here?"_

Taking that cue as it was presented, I nodded to Lola, and she stepped up and announced herself. "'Marriage Proposal' Lola, Captain of the Rolling Pirates. My crew and I have been Moria's prisoners for the last three years, and are now free again thanks to the Straw Hat Pirates. I've chosen to claim Thriller Bark for my own now that Moria's curse is gone, and I intend to transform it from a hell to all sailors into a haven for all pirates, where they can dock, resupply, and overall enjoy themselves to their hearts' content. It's… it'll be a hard endeavor, I know, but—!"

" _Full approval!"_ Apoo, Bartolomeo, and Foxy all shouted at once.

" _No more going to Mock Town~!"_ Foxy sang joyously.

" _No more dealing with those assholes~!"_ Apoo sang in the same tone.

" _This is gonna be sweet!"_ Bartolomeo cackled in finale.

"' _Sagittarius-grade', he said…"_ Tashigi grumbled, before sighing. " _Alright, how much has Cross told you about us?"_

"Only that you have the resources to sponsor my efforts, that the scope of your undertaking is literally global, and I think that if I couldn't figure out that this is a one-way street, I would be _way_ too stupid to be a part of this," Lola answered, ticking the points off on her fingers.

" _Then allow me to be more specific,"_ Tsuru cut in. " _We are a secret organization known as the New World Masons, assembled largely as a result of the efforts of Jeremiah Cross. Law enforcers and outlaws alike comprise our forces, allied for the same purpose: destroying the World Government and creating a world of freedom for all in its place, whether the 'all' refers to civilians or those pirates who aren't utterly amoral monstrosities… whose existence we few keepers of the peace have come to acknowledge."_

Lola's eyes went wide as she took that news in. For several seconds, she was silent. Then her eyes hardened, and she nodded.

"I owe my life to the Straw Hat Pirates, and I've lived with a boot on my neck for the past three years," the Rolling Pirate Captain stated firmly. "Safe to say that the idea of a world of freedom is a _damn_ appealing goal to me. If I accept, what do you expect of me?"

" _Off the top of my head, the duties that would be expected of you would be simple enough,"_ the elderly Vice Admiral explained. " _Setting up a pirate haven as you are, you will be expected to screen any pirates that come through, identifying potential recruits for the future as well as any pirates that would be best off arrested, and passing the knowledge on to us associated with justice. Discreetly, of course, so as to avoid losing the faith of your clientele. We will also expect for the law enforcers among our number to be able to take refuge on your island if necessary, incognito of course. And naturally, you are expected to inform all subordinates you have that you can trust and swear them to secrecy. There may be other requirements, but those are the immediate ones."_

Lola didn't hesitate before nodding this time. "That sounds reasonable. Alright, I accept."

" _ **Excellent.**_ _Your codename_ **will be 'RABBIT,'"** Soundbite piped in, his grin ear-to-ear.

Lola slowly nodded in acceptance, while I sent him a curious look. "I don't mind that, but why?"

" _ **BECAUSE**_ _HER NAME_ IS LOLA!" Soundbite snickered.

I hung my head with a tortured groan while a chorus of palm-flesh meeting face echoed across the connection, accompanied by a general rumble of " _Don't ask…"_

Moving past the maddening in-joke, we proceeded to inform Lola of the current leadership roster, as well as the secret of my success. As we did so, she started gnawing on her thumb with a look of intense thought, her face screwed up in concentration. And then, when we were done…

Lola raised her head to look at me, her face… no, her entire _body_ blank, devoid of any tells. "What, exactly," she asked in a voice as blank as the rest of her. "Do you know about me?"

As off-putting as the sudden shift was, I was still able to just shrug as I responded.

"Not a lot; Nami befriended your shadow's zombie in the story, and you by extension, and you gave her a Vivre Card that belonged to your mother, saying she was a powerful pirate in the New World. The only candidate we knew of at the time was Big Mom, so there was a lot of speculation that you were talking about her, but… eh." I waved my hand dismissively. "There are bound to be countless others, so wishful thinking, right?"

Lola's blank expression quivered, her fists clenching and unclenching as sweat shone on her brow. Finally, she heaved a weary sigh and seemed to slouch in place. "You all have trusted me… so I'm going to trust you when I tell you that you're wrong. That's not wishful thinking in the least."

The air practically _shattered_ it froze so fast.

" _You're not serious…"_ Tashigi breathed, eyes wide in shock.

"No, I'm as serious as a heart attack," Lola said, shaking her head. "I apologize for not doing so sooner, but now that you all have introduced yourselves to me, I shall do the same in full: My name is _Charlotte_ Lola. I am the 23rd daughter of the Charlotte Family. The 23rd daughter of the only woman amongst the Four Emperors of the New World, and the ruler of the archipelago of Totland. I am the daughter… of Charlotte 'Big Mom' Linlin."

Dead. Silence.

Apoo was the first to react.

" _Apa… You are_ not _a guy who does things in halves, huh, Cross?"_ he swallowed heavily.

"No _shit_ …" I breathed right back, barely able to keep my jaw functioning.

On the side of the Divine, meanwhile, Tsuru was the first to recover, and eyed Lola with intense gravity. " _Under any other circumstances I would question your loyalty, and rightly so… but giving up a piece of Charlotte Linlin's soul, which the Marines have literally_ killed _to try and obtain for the past three decades, to an outsider without asking for anything in return is enough to arrest my suspicions. Nevertheless, I must insist you share your story with us. A necessity, you understand; the last thing we need is for any nasty surprises to rear their heads down the line."_

Lola sighed irritably, though thankfully it didn't appear to be directed at the Vice Admiral. "I left home for love… and a bit of self-preservation. A prince from another kingdom fell in love with me, and Mama was ready to give me away for the sake of the alliance that the marriage would seal; it's a common practice in our family, but I've never liked it. I left in the dead of the night…"

Lola scowled darkly, though there was _definitely_ an undertone of terror in her expression, too. "And I've worked to keep my head down since then to make sure that those _psychotic bastards_ I called siblings don't come looking for me. And trust me, that's _not_ an exaggeration. My brothers and sisters are some of the strongest pirates in all the New World, and while I might love my mother, she _fosters_ ruthlessness and violence in our upbringing." The New Worlder sighed wistfully as she gazed into the half-mist laden sky. "She wouldn't seriously harm her own blood, but if _they_ ever found out where I, a traitor to the family was…"

She shuddered before violently shaking her head. "From the time I left until the time I was captured by Moria, I've been laying low in Paradise looking for a husband. None but those who've been with me since the New World know my full name, and none have used it since we crossed into Paradise. Until our operations move into the New World—"

"Not _for awhile, I can tell you that much,"_ T-Bone coughed.

"—then I don't see my identity coming into play much." Lola scowled and slapped a hand to her forehead. "Though I'll have to _not_ advertise on the SBS lest they recognize my voice and come looking, damn it…"

There was a few seconds of silence as everyone digested the tale we'd just heard. And theeeen…

" _BWAAAAAAH!"_

"GAH!" Lola, Vivi and I all flinched in shock when both Merry and Soundbite suddenly started bawling their eyes out.

"The _hell—?!"_ I questioned incredulously.

"Th-That's so saaaad!" Merry wailed, Franky's influence shining through as she wiped away at her tears and _copious_ snot. "Having to abandon your own f-f-family to find lo-o-ove… don't give up, Big Sis Lola!"

"Riiiight…" I saw a sweatdrop bloom on Vivi's head as she glanced at Soundbite. "And as for you—?"

"BLAME THE HIJACKERS!" the gastropod snarled through his tears.

" _To think such t-t-tragedies could actually occur,"_ Tashigi wept, lip quivering. " _Oh, you poor woman! Pirate or not, nobody deserves such a fate!"_

" _IT'S JUST LIKE ONE OF MY NANNA'S ROMANCE NO-O-OVELS!"_ bawled… _Bartolomeo!?_

" _Ye gods of the sea, Bartolomeo, pull yourself together,"_ Foxy muttered uncomfortably.

" _Have you no pride as a man!?"_ Apoo demanded.

"Oooh, I dunno." An eager grin slowly slid across Lola's face, and she slowly sauntered her way up to Soundbite. "I quite like men who are sensitive! It's a good quality to have! You know… in a _husb—?"_

" **BRO-TO-BRO ALERT:** _ **HELLS NO!"**_ Soundbite squawked in panic.

Lola's widened, and she tried to wave Soundbite off. "Hey, wait a—!"

" _Hells no."_

" _Not happening!"_

" _THE SEA IS MY ONLY MISTRESS!"_

"…sonnuva!" Lola spat.

"HEY, RISKIES!" I called towards the party that was happening a little ways away. "REJECTIONS 4461 THROUGH 4463, ALL AT THE SAME TIME!" The party roared with laughter and a sudden burst of energy in response.

"Damn it, you little bastard, that was the closest I've gotten in years!" Lola snarled at my snail.

" **Sorry, bro-code.** _ **Didn't have a choice!"**_ my partner sneered in response.

"Slimy piece of—!"

" _And I thought we were getting good headway on serious business…"_ T-Bone sighed wistfully.

" _Quite,"_ Tsuru tersely bit out, her tone dry but… matronly? Nevertheless, it served to quiet the sobbers, and she then turned her attention on Lola, her gaze somewhat softening? What the…?

" _Lola… you truly believe that your mother wouldn't wish you ill?"_

"Eh? I don't believe it, I know it," Lola blinked, clearly confused by the question. "We're her children. Charlotte Linlin is a very dangerous pirate, I know that better than anyone, but she'd never harm us, her children. It's a fact."

Tsuru gnawed on her lip for a second before lowering her gaze. "… _two years ago, the Marines received an SOS message from within the boundaries of the Totland Archipelago. The sender identified herself as one Charlotte Macarron, the—"_

"27th daughter, one of my younger sisters when I left, though I don't doubt Mother's had more!" Lola completed in a rush. "She was also one of the kinder and saner of my siblings! She sent out an SOS!? Why?"

" _Essentially, the same as you: Macarron desired to leave the Charlotte Family and your mother's crew, and she was even willing to defect to the Marines to see it through."_

"Macarron…" Lola pinched the bridge of her nose, the following words tight. "She was always sweet, but never too bright. If she used an SOS, that means my family picked up on it too. She never made it, did she?"

" _I regret to inform you that that is the case,"_ Tsuru nodded solemnly. " _I was part of the detachment that sought her out at the edge of your mother's territory. We found her charred remains exactly where she said she'd wait for us."_

"Charred…" Lola repeated before scowling furiously. "Opera or Oven, one of those bastards."

" _Unfortunately… that is not the case."_

The New Worlder blinked in surprise. "…eh? What do you—?"

" _We did not just find her charred remains, Captain Lola."_ Tsuru gazed dead into the Charlotte daughter's eyes through my snail's. " _We found her remains in the middle of a tract of land that had been_ incinerated _. Not just her, but everything around her for fifteen metres was reduced to ash."_

"What?" Lola blinked again. "Wait, but that's not right, none of my siblings are capable of _that_ level of destruction. The only thing in the Charlotte Family that could do that would be—!" And just like that Lola _paled,_ her face going white as a sheet. "P-P-Prometheus…" she breathed weakly. "B-But he could only—! Th-That would mean—!"

" _Prometheus would only utilize its powers in such a manner on Charlotte Linlin's explicit orders,"_ Tsuru finished gravely. " _I am sorry, Lola, but the facts cannot be changed: Your mother murdered her own daughter, your sister, in cold blood. And I have no doubt in my mind that if given the chance, she would do the same to you in an instant."_

Silence fell, in which I could see that my partner and my co-conspirators were coming to a similar conclusion regarding Big Mom that I was. To be specific? Even if we somehow unintentionally butterflied away Luffy declaring war against her as he did in canon, I was going to be waving _this_ little tidbit and whatever else I could in front of him to _guarantee_ that her little culinary wonderland _burned._

A sudden scream interrupted my murderous thoughts, as did the sudden sound of stone crumbling. Lola had ignored the swords on her back in favor of slamming her fist into—

 _CRASH!_

—strike that, _through_ the nearest stone wall. It crumbled to pieces, but she remained in place, her face shadowed and her shoulders heaving with every furious, shuddering breath she took.

"… _Upon further thought, we certainly don't need to focus so much on serious business,"_ T-Bone said quietly.

"No!" Lola bit out as she snapped her head around, glaring daggers at the Captain through my snail. "No, I'll have time to mourn and rage and swear vengeance later. Right now…" She took a deeper, more calming breath, dragging a hand down her face as she fought quite admirably to suppress her rage. "Vice Admiral Tsuru, I thank you for informing me and relieving me of my misconceptions. Now, back to business."

" _Indeed,"_ Foxy cut in. " _I see now why I, specifically, was called here; I have no shortage of manpower under my command, and conveniently enough, I find myself in sudden and dire need of a large-scale_ punishment duty."

There was silence as everyone digested that, before Tashigi spoke up. " _Um, is there anything we should know about—"_

" _Oh, nothing, just a mutiny,"_ Foxy informed us with a casual—if twitchy—grin.

"That doesn't sound like nothing!" Merry yelped in panic.

" _Ah, no, let me clarify. It was a mutiny, that was an utter_ INSULT _to proper mutinies on all six oceans! Who posts a_ notice _that they're going to mutiny THREE DAYS IN ADVANCE?!"_

Lola blinked in surprise, shocked clean out of her earlier dark thoughts. "Er… are you sure that these guys aren't, too, ah… well, are you sure that they'd be of use here? Or… anywhere?"

" _Actually, they're perfect for it,"_ Foxy huffed with a shake of his head. " _They didn't put up the notice because they're idiots; they put it up because their sense of protocol and decorum is through the roof. It's not intellect that they lack but common sense. So putting them to work in construction along with whatever other shipwrights and craftsmen I can spare, which is a substantial number? You ought to make quite a lot of headway in very little time."_

" _And tack on the resources that Navarone and Water 7 oughta be able to funnel your way too, with enough time? Fuhget about it!"_ Apoo cackled eagerly. " _Your place'll be up and spitting in the face of the Marines in no time, apapapa—!"_

"If it even lasts a day, that is…"

"Eh?" I blinked in surprise, me and everyone else present all turning our attention on Vivi, the princess's head bowed in deep thought. "What do you mean?"

"Well…" This was serious, she was worrying at her thumbnail. "I'm sorry that this only occurred to me now, but… even _with_ the resources to build the haven Lola's proposing, what about the way to _protect_ it? I mean, think about it: the only reason that the Marines haven't levelled Mock Town by now is that, as we've pointed out, it is a _hellhole_ that's rotting into the ground and not worth the gunpowder it'd take to level it. Also, the pirates would just throw it back up anyway. The joys of the cheap wooden buildings.

"An _organized_ , well-fortified haven, on the other hand?" She shook her head in denial. "Even if it didn't come from hijacking one of the Warlords' home islands, the World Government wouldn't take the founding of such a place lying down, and secrecy isn't an option as that would defeat the purpose of a haven. Am I wrong?"

There was a moment of silence as we all pondered that, followed by all of us groaning in concert.

"Damn it…" Lola sagged in frustration.

"Come on…" Merry growled as she yanked her hood down over her face.

" _Seriously!?"_ Bartolomeo groaned miserably. " _I wanted a new watering hole that was actually_ worth _a damn! Is that so much to ask for!?"_

" _In this world? Apparently so,"_ T-Bone groused.

" _So, what, this whole thing is dead in the water until we can get a fleet or something to protect this place, or…?"_ Apoo trailed off uncertainly.

" _OH, IT WON'T BE A PROBLEM!"_

I blinked in confusion, glancing down at my snail. "You have an idea?"

" _ **IDEA SHIT, I GOT A SOLUTION!"**_ he grinned eagerly. " _ **The defense of this place will**_ **STAY THE SAME AS IT'S ALWAYS BEEN, but better!** WE'VE JUST GOTTA _strike a deal_ _with_ THE FLORIAN TRIANGLE, _**TO KEEP**_ **THE ISLAND** _**safe."**_

"… _What,"_ was the general response.

"I second that emotion, this is the first _I've_ heard of this," I said, staring down at the invertebrate with a complete lack of understanding. "Care to share?"

" _YEEEAAAH, SEE, HERE'S THE THING,"_ Soundbite swung his eyestalks side to side in a would-be gesture of innocence. " **Remember how I woke up once dawn broke?** _ **I didn't wake up at dawn, I WOKE UP AN HOUR EARLIER.**_ BUT I DIDN'T TELL YA _because I recently met and was chatting up_ **A NEW FRIEND OF MINE!"**

"And… that friend would be…?" Merry slowly queried, hesitation clear on her face.

Soundbite glanced over his shell, towards the fog of the Florian that was still hanging over half the island, and started whistling a few notes, that almost sounded like—?

"Is that… Binks' Brew?" I questioned incredulously. "What are you—?"

" _YEAAAAAARGH!"_

"Wha— _GAH!"_ I was almost bowled clean over by our tyke-sized helmsgirl suddenly pulling a facehugger and latching onto my face with a screech of terror. "SONNUVA—GET! OFF! OF! _GAH!"_ I wrenched her off my head and held her flailing form at arms length. "What the hell, brat!?"

"B-B-B-BIG! _BIIIIG!"_ she shrieked in response, flailing her arm frantically in the fog's general direction. I saw Vivi staring in the same direction, a petrified look on her face that looked… familiar? Oh, yeah, I'd seen her look like that back when we saw the Skypieans when they… were…

Dreading that I knew exactly what I would see, I slowly turned around, faced the mist…

And there they were.

"…Cross, please tell me this is another trick of the light, _please,"_ Vivi whimpered fearfully, looking to be two seconds away from falling to her knees.

"I only wish…" I whispered breathlessly, not daring to move even a muscle. "And for those of you who aren't here to see? We're currently staring up at a trio of, ah, _silhouettes_ who are staring down at us with glowing red eyes. And when I say up…" I forced myself to swallow, a futile action with a bone-dry mouth. "Thriller Bark is about the size of a gnat compared to them. Making us gnats on a gnat's ass."

" _Holy shit…"_ Tashigi breathed, terror infecting her voice even over a hundred miles away.

" _ **Ladies and gentlemen,"**_ Soundbite had the nerve to purr in _Rod freaking Serling's_ cool and collected monotone, his teeth never shifting from their mysterious yet impish grin. " _ **Allow me to introduce you all to the three thirds that compose the Florian Triangle's tripartite consciousness. An entity that is several in its aetherial bodies, yet singular in its overmind. The undisputed lords of all that lies within their boundaries. What you gaze upon… are the Obelisks of the Florian."**_ The snail's smile took on a _lot_ more of his usual shit-eating gleam. " _FOR THE RECORD, I SUGGEST YOU ALL SAY HI._ AFTER ALL…"

The fog-enshrouded horizon suddenly seemed to ripple and writhe, and the humans present all shuddered as the wind picked up into a light gale that sounded almost like a moan.

" **They just did! HEEHEEHEE** _hoohoohooHAHAHA!"_

After a few stunned seconds, Vivi, ever the diplomat, hesitantly raised an arm and waved to the Obelisks.

A moment later, she proceeded to faint as one of the Obelisks suddenly sprouted a limb-analog and mirrored the action.

"…Soundbite. Speak," I managed to choke out as I fought to keep my terror energizing rather than debilitating. " _Fast."_

" **Funny you should mention speaking,"** the little demon chuckled. "REMEMBER THE LAST TIME _I heard something speak_ **WHEN I HAD NO EARTHLY RIGHT TO?"**

I choked out _some_ kind of noise as I made the connection. "You're hearing them through the Voice of All Things…"

" _Hmmph… I suppose that I should have seen_ that _ability coming back to the fore where this crew is involved…"_ Tsuru muttered.

" **EEEXACTLY!"** Soundbite nodded proudly. " _See, while I was sleeping off my exhaustion,_ _ **the Triangle slipped its way into MY DREAMS—!"**_

"BAAAAAH!"

I jumped when a bleat suddenly erupted from Merry, who I was still holding by her hood… and who was now staring dead ahead stiff as a board? Wait a second… I tapped her cheek and adopted a deadpan expression when her whole body swung in my grip. "Aaaand Merry's just pulled a fainting goat on us. Apparently she draws the line at eldritch abominations—"

The winds howled again.

"—Sorry, eldritch… gentle-abominations?"

Aaaand now it was a whistle.

"Eldritch gentle-abominations being capable of infiltrating our dreams."

Foxy 'surreptitiously' coughed out a laugh.

"Oh, like you wouldn't do the same thing?" I snapped irritably as I laid Merry out to sleep her terror off.

From the wet spluttering sound that came over the connection, that shut him up.

" _AAAANYWAYS,"_ Soundbite rolled his eyes with a snicker of amusement. " **THEY GOT IN MY HEAD,** _ **woke me up, and I was chatting them up FOR AN HOUR BEFORE THE SUN ROSE.**_ I WAS PLANNING ON SAYING SOMETHING LATER, BUT THIS JUST MAKES THINGS EASIER! **Neat, huh?"**

"Can… Can we get back to the deal you were mentioning earlier?" Lola asked weakly. "These… things, these Obelisks, the Triangle as a whole, it'll… _protect_ the island?"

" _UH-HUH!"_ Soundbite nodded firmly. " _AND MORE! SEE, BEFORE, THE FLORIAN NEVER MOVED_ **from where it is because it** _ **didn't feel like it, and as such MORIA KEPT THRILLER BARK FLOATING**_ _within the triangle's confines._ **BUT TAKE THE DEAL, AND THE FLORIAN** WILL FOLLOW THE ISLAND WHEREVER IT SHALL FLOAT, _**obscuring it from any who might seek to DO IT HARM!**_ _NEAT, HUH?"_

Lola took a second to mull that over before glancing warily up at the Obelisks. "And… what would they want in return?"

"THAT'S THE EASIEST PART OF ALL: _JACK SHIT YOU WON'T_ _ **ALREADY BE DOING!"**_

" _Uh, come again?"_ Barty questioned incredulously.

" _ **It's all about how the Florian itself works, see?"**_ Soundbite raised his eyestalks in a proud manner. " **See, there's a bit of a misconception about the Triangle we all hold:** _it's NOT evil or dead. RATHER… THE FLORIAN TRIANGLE IS A MIRROR, REFLECTING THAT WHICH IT HOLDS."_

" _Come again, again?"_ Barty requested. " _Clearer this time?"_

"ALRIGHT, LOOK, IT'S LIKE THIS!" Soundbite rolled his eyes with a huff. "THE TRIANGLE INGESTS AND REFLECTS EMOTIONS! _**Way back when it was first found, people were**_ **afraid of it because it looked creepy, AND SO IT REFLECTED AN AURA OF TERROR AND, EVENTUALLY, DEATH.** _ **AND WHEN MORIA SET UP SHOP AND CREATED THE HORROR HOUSE OF THRILLER BARK,**_ _the Florian reflected the darkness and terror being exuded, and was locked in the state that it's held for the past ten years._ AND IF YOU JUST LEFT, ITS REPUTATION WOULD KEEP IT LOCKED THAT WAY _FOR ALL TIME…_ _ **BUUUUUT…"**_ Soundbite leant his head towards me with a conspiratorial grin. " _ **WE ALREADY KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT.**_ **WANT ME TO SHOW YA?"**

I tried to respond, but found that I couldn't due to the words dying the second they left my mouth. Actually… that wasn't the only sound that died: _all_ sound in the courtyard slammed to a dead halt, and was promptly replaced by a _barrage_ of sound.

" _Gather up all of the crew!_

 _It's time to ship out Binks' brew!_

 _Sea wind blows. To where?_

 _Who knows?_

 _The waves will be our guide!"_

The noise from the party going on a short distance away suddenly became the only thing that we could hear. And as it filled the air, I was treated to the most surreal sight that I had seen in all my life: The Obelisks of the Florian, the _second_ most powerful eldritch beings I'd ever met in my life (so help me God, I actually have to _make_ that distinction) had all shifted in color.

Or rather, the _entire_ Florian Triangle had shifted along the color spectrum. The horizon encompassing fog rippled, and gradually but swiftly (somehow), it shifted from a bruised, eery purple, to a bright and radiant yellow. A yellow I recognized, even: it was the same shade the fog had turned to when our crew had started singing Binks' Brew while we were sailing through it!

Before our dumbstruck eyes, tendrils of the mist snaked down into the courtyard and metamorphosed, taking the forms of… of _people,_ dozens of them, dancing and celebrating and having an all around good time. It was, it was _surreal._

"Ugh… what's with the noi—WAAAAAaaahuh?"

I glanced to the side and grinned cheekily at the sight of a newly reawakened Merry and Vivi gaping up at the sky. "Enjoying the show?"

"Are _you?!"_ Merry retorted, jabbing her finger at the Triangle.

Following where she was indicating, I found that she was right: I most definitely hadn't been. For you see, not only had the Obelisk's palette changed in such away that their 'bodies' were yellow and their eyes were a light blue and shaped like happy, upside down U's, but they were also moving, swaying side to side almost as if—

"They're dancing…" Vivi breathed in awe.

" **I'll say it again,"** Soundbite whispered reverentially. " _THE FLORIAN IS A MIRROR. IF IT IS SHOWN FEAR, IT WILL REFLECT NOTHING_ BUT _FEAR._ BUT OFFER IT A HEART FULL OF SONG AND GOOD WILL, _**offer it cheer and joy and LIFE… AND IT WILL REFLECT IT TENFOLD."**_

"And that's what we'll be doing…" Lola breathed, staring up at the dancing entities with newfound respect. "So long as we keep our haven bright and full of life, then it'll stay with us and protect us so that it can stay the same way…"

She then frowned in concern. "But… even if the Florian _does_ stay this way, bright and cheerful, that doesn't mean it'll be pleasant. My crew and I, we've just spent _three years_ locked in its sunless shadows. Even without the fog's gloom, I…" She grimaced and clutched at her sleeve. "I don't know if I can _willingly_ go back to that."

The winds sang and whistled eagerly in response.

" _ **Easily fixed,"**_ Soundbite said, waving his eyestalk dismissively. " **LOOK UP!"**

And indeed, those of us present did just that, and were treated to the sight of the fog centered directly overhead of the island receding to give way to an unobstructed view of the sky.

" **Like I said, the Florian has perfect control of itself.** YOUR SUNRISES AND SETS WILL ALWAYS BE A BIT BLURRY, AND THE HORIZON'S A NO-GO IF YOU WANNA STAY SAFE, BUT APART FROM THAT? _You'll never miss the sky again…_ _ **UNLESS THERE'S A STORM OR SOMETHING, AT WHICH POINT YOU'RE SHIT OUT OF LUCK."**_

And just like that, Lola's face lit up, a grin stretching from ear to ear. "If that's the case, then I couldn't be happier to accept! Even Mama is unnerved by the Triangle, I won't have to worry about keeping my head down anymore! This is going to be great!"

Going by the way the Obelisks waved and whistled, I'd say they agreed with gusto.

" _Well, I, for one, am glad that this matter has been settled,"_ T-Bone sighed in relief. " _Now, seeing as the matter of our latest base of operations no longer has any obvious issues to address, shall we move on to other matters? We have managed to assemble quite the agenda since our last meeting."_

" _Actually, before we move onto that other crap!"_ Bartolomeo butted in. " _I wanna stay in the here and now for a bit! You can't possibly tell me that I'm the only one here who wants to know the story of the Straw Hats beating Moria!"_

 _That_ drew a wince out of all of us present.

"Don't sound so eager, Barty," Merry warned him somberly. "This run around? The ass-whipping ratio was _way_ skewed out of our favor."

That little proclamation cast a gloomy pallor over our fellow Masons.

" _Do you…_ actually _want to talk about this?"_ Tashigi asked in a gentle voice.

I clicked my tongue as I clamped a hand down on my suddenly throbbing side. "Want to? I'd rather forget this day ever happened. But… we'll tell you anyways. Let's start at the beginning, with our plan…"

 **-o-**

"And… that was pretty much it," I concluded with a defeated sigh. "We woke up a few hours ago and we've only just managed to piece ourselves together enough to start throwing a victory party. So… yeah, _not_ the most fun 24 hours of my life, I can tell you that much. Word to the wise, if anyone sees Moria? Shoot first, ask questions never. The world will be better once we're certain he's _out_ of it."

" _Apapa… I can't even imagine it…"_ Apoo said, incredulity and awe in his voice. " _To pull off everything you did and then take down a monster like that… Kidd's an asshole, but damn if he wasn't right: your crew is the gold standard for this generation of pirates."_

"Fancy words," Merry winced as she cradled her cast. "Doesn't stop the fact that we all feel like we were used as kickballs."

"You say gold standard, I have a few other choice words…" Vivi agreed, gripping her abdomen's scar.

" _Well, at least you all managed to survive. It is better to survive, even in pain, so that one might live to fight again."_

" _ **You're the last person**_ **I wanna hear that from,** _**WAX-FACE!"**_ Soundbite snorted.

" _If we may proceed,"_ Tsuru cut in, quieting any further commentary. " _Jeremiah Cross, I've heard many rumors over the years pertaining to the Warlord Bartholomew Kuma, but I am afraid that they are just that: rumors. Whatever truth there is pertaining to him or whatever contract he holds with the World Government, it is held at the highest levels of confidence. All I know for certain pertaining to the man is his previous affiliation with the Revolutionary Army—"_

"Not relevant right now," I cut in, what with Vivi and Merry gaping at me.

" _And his Devil Fruit. Can you shed any light upon his true nature?"_

I grumbled uncertainly, scratching at the back of my head. "Can't help you with much, I'm afraid, he was still a major mystery when I left, along with Vegapunk himself."

" _Who is jealously guarded by the World Government, above any Marine's head, blast…"_ Tsuru tsked. " _I would have liked to know how far his modifications go…"_

"Now that I _can_ tell you!" I informed her. "But it's _not_ good news. To call Kuma a cyborg like Franky would be grossly inaccurate, because not only is Kuma leagues more advanced than Franky… he's more machine, too."

I bowed my head solemnly. "Back in my world, we had a word for what's happening: Kuma's being _cannibalized_ by his upgrades. Piece by piece, the man known as 'The Tyrant' Bartholomew Kuma is being devoured by technology. Flesh and blood, replaced by metal and oil. And his brain… _literally_ hardwired into complete and total loyalty to the World Government. In another month or two, Bartholomew Kuma will be dead; all that will be left in his place is a Devil Fruit-empowered android that will follow the World Government's every command. The ultimate soldier of justice: PX-0, the original Pacifista."

There was a horrified silence as everyone processed _that_ little tidbit.

And then, Tashigi swallowed heavily and spoke with a voice full of dread. " _The…_ original _Pacifista?"_

I nodded grimly. "He's the _prototype._ The first of an entire program of unstoppable, unkillable soldiers meant to uphold justice without hesitation or remorse, all molded in Kuma's image. They're not easy to make, mind you; to my knowledge, the budget for building one is the same as a Marine battleship, so the damage and fallout from Enies Lobby may have cut down on their numbers… but…" My fingers curled into fists as memories of fire and hell wafted through my mind. "They still found the money to build two _dozen,_ and you know as well as I do that they'll acquire however much they need to make more. Mark my words: the future is plated in metal, and it is marching forward every day."

Another span of silence. " _So… what you're telling us,"_ Foxy bit out uncomfortably. " _Is that the World Government is modifying other humans the same way that they're modifying Kuma, turning them into—?"_

"Thankfully, _no,"_ I said with a sigh of relief. "From what I remember of what Sentomaru said when he took a few out for a test drive? Kuma was the only upgraded human. The rest were all built around corpses. Makes sense, really," I sneered derisively. "After all, you know what they say: Dead men tell no tales… nor do they ask any questions."

Going by the way Soundbite's face twisted up, I'm _guessing_ he was showing Tashigi's expression now. " _I'd… I'd_ really _like nothing more than to move on from this_ right this instant, _but… but before we do…"_ She took a calming breath before giving me a hard look. " _Why didn't you mention this sooner, Cross? We might not have anyone in Vegapunk's labs, but scuttlebutt still exists, and we could have tried keeping an ear out for missing corpses, to estimate how many Pacifistas have been generated. This isn't exactly a bad thing, but… I just have to know, Cross: why wait until now to tell us about them?"_

I found myself left completely flat-footed by the question. I thought as hard as I could about it, plumbing my mind for an answer, and unfortunately, there was only one response I could give. On that was weak, even to me, and yet _terrifying._ "I… hadn't really thought about it until now."

Tashigi heaved a weary sigh. " _Cross—!"_

"Or, rather…" I grimaced as I brought a hand up to tap furtively at my temple. "I _forgot_ about them."

And if _that_ didn't damn well freeze the air solid.

"C-Cross," Vivi breathed in horror. "Are you trying to tell me that—?"

"No no, not _that_ bad!" I quickly assured her. "I remember the plot of the story just fine, _that's_ easy, but… well…" I glanced away sheepishly. "Vivi, it's been almost a _year_ since I last read the source material. I can remember the plot with ease, but details… are you telling me that _any_ of you can recall the exact wording of a page from a book you read a _week_ ago?"

"Quite easily, yes," a voice offered from my shoulder.

"Beat it, ya photographic-memoried freak o' nature."

" _Everyone has a photographic memory, Jeremiah Cross. The difference is how quickly the photos degrade,"_ Tsuru said, and I could _hear_ the smirk in her voice. As could everyone else, judging by the snickers.

"I have a foghorn and I'm not afraid to use it," I growled, bringing _that_ little episode to a close.

" _In all seriousness, Cross, I think our newest Cleaner may be able to help… if Cancer can convince him to come with us,"_ Tashigi grumbled, before shaking her head. " _His abilities are a bit… esoteric, and you're not gonna have a fun time experiencing them, but if anyone can help_ literally _refresh your memories? Next to someone with a mind-based Devil Fruit, it'd be him."_

"Uh, excuse me?" Lola said, raising her hand. "What do you mean by Cleaners?"

" _We cannot risk the knowledge of our organization spreading to hostile ears, so the few among our number capable of hypnosis or otherwise brainwashing have been tasked with ensuring that no such leaks occur by wiping the minds of any who should learn of us without being truly loyal to the cause, but who would also be best kept alive,"_ Tsuru explained. " _And on a related note, I am grateful that you suggested forming such a group, Mister Cross. Were it not for your suggestion that I be a bit more innovative with my ability, I would have had to do something quite regretful a week ago."_

"Oh?" I leaned forward. "Care to share, Vice Admiral?"

" _I would."_ Tsuru rolled her neck slightly before continuing. " _A week ago, I was approached by another Marine who had discovered our existence much like I had, and asked to join our ranks. This Marine was Vice Admiral Komei, one of my success stories; he didn't show much promise when he was recruited, but I allowed his commission to go through for his dedication, if nothing else, and he has more than repaid that faith over time. He's an honorable man, decent even, and a strong proponent for the strength of the common man; through ingenious tactics and his own rigorous training, he's downed even the most powerful ability users who have the misfortune of making an enemy of him."_

" _A genius tactician, eh? Sounds like a Marine after my own heart,"_ Foxy whistled admirably.

" _A genius, a powerhouse, and an all-around incredible leader! Vice Admiral Komei, aka 'White Feather' Komei, is one of the most respected Marines alive!"_ Tashigi gushed ecstatically, sounding on the verge of outright _squeeing_. " _You mean to tell me he's a Mason now!?"_

" _Hmph, not in this lifetime. I wiped his memory and sent him on his way almost as soon as he made the proposition,"_ Tsuru snorted dryly.

"… _eh?"_ Tashigi blinked dumbly, her smile frozen in place.

" _Why would you—?! Ooooh…"_ Foxy grimaced in realization. " _Right, a tactician I would like, meaning… intellect combined with an enormous survival instinct?"_

" _Exactly, mister Fox."_

" _Someone wanna speak English for us normal yahoos!?"_ Bartolomeo demanded.

" _It means,"_ Foxy said. " _That he's essentially a very big, very smart rat. If we'd let him into our ranks, he would have been loyal for a time, and then if he ever got a hint that the New World Masons would be going under, he'd jump ship and sell everyone else out to save his own skin. Not out of malice, but simply because it'd be the smartest move to make."_

" _Precisely,"_ Tsuru nodded regretfully. " _I told Komei as much, and he did not deny that it was a likely scenario. Still, he was very gracious in my rejection, and willingly subjected himself to the memory wipe. He walked away unscathed, and life continues on as normal, though now I have my eye on him, and I also suspect that this will not be the last time I see him. Hopefully the Tone Dial he recorded for himself in the future will prevent any…_ untoward _incidents."_

I sighed, as did a few others. It was unfortunate, but, well, we couldn't count on everything going our way.

" _That really is disappointing, though,"_ Tashigi wept miserably. " _His membership would have helped us grow our numbers much faster. So many recruits look up to him, especially since he got to where he is without relying on a Devil Fruit."_

"I _seriously_ resent those implications…" Merry grumbled petulantly.

"We know, Merry," Vivi said sympathetically, before looking back at Soundbite. "Any other recruitments that we should know about?"

" _Well, one of our more ambitious plans has been to plant a mole within the walls of Impel Down,"_ T-Bone sighed in a tone that did not foreshadow anything good. " _Unfortunately, it seems to be as difficult for anyone aside from incoming prisoners to get into the gaol as it is to get out of it; the institution is not, strictly speaking, in the World Government's chain of command, but rather self-polices and handpicks its recruits with rigorous discipline. We cannot truly 'infiltrate' them as they are a closed system, and as such there is nowhere we can feasibly enter. For the time being, I am afraid the walls of Impel Down are sacrosanct."_

"Regretful, but…" I sighed in defeat. "That's life, I suppose. We'll just have to approach from another angle once we really have to."

" _A 'Get out of Jail Free' card_ would _have been nice, though…"_ Apoo sighed longingly.

" _Mm, quite,"_ Tsuru hummed in a disapproving tone. " _Still, while we're speaking of Impel Down, there's something you should know. Something that Jonathan has recently discovered, and is investigating with the aid of the Blackarm Instructors."_

"The Black—?" I sat up straighter as I made the connection. "You mean the Marines who _explicitly_ stone-walled Jonathan's offer to join us because they rightfully hate pirates more than the average _good_ Marine?!"

" _It's_ that _serious."_

"Ulp." I tugged nervously at my collar. "And this discovery would be…?"

Tsuru's gaze became steely. " _There are prisoners missing."_

"… er…" I glanced away sheepishly. "If you mean from Impel Down, I can—"

" _I'm interested in that and_ will _be addressing that later, but no,"_ Tsuru shook her head in denial. " _I mean there are prisoners missing from Justice itself."_

I turned that phrase over in my head every which way I could, but no, there wasn't a _single_ way that sounded good. "Explain. Now."

Instead of addressing me, the Vice-Admiral turned her attention to my crewmate. " _Princess Nefertari. I trust you'll recall the incident involving Prince Calidin of Thoulosa a year ago, in the Kingdom of Kazlok, the South Blue?"_

"Ergh, I wish I didn't. I always knew there was something wrong with that little monster's head…" Vivi shook her head in disgust before eyeing the rest of us. "For those of you not in the know, Calidin was a _disturbed_ product of royal inbreeding who was high on the line of succession for Thoulosa's throne. And when I say disturbed, I mean 'missing pets and terrified servants' disturbed. But as a royal, it was all tolerated and swept under the rug… until one day he snapped and went on a broad-daylight _spree_ in the neighboring kingdom, Kozlak. Now, obviously the bastard was arrested by the World Government, but the Kingdom of Thoulosa raised a stink about wanting him back. It was a front page sensation for days—!" Vivi suddenly choked off, her eyes wide in terrified realization. "Until… Until suddenly it just stopped. Any mention of Calidin disappeared…"

" _As did Calidin himself, in person and paperwork alike,"_ Tsuru completed with the utmost solemnity. " _The mad prince of Thoulosa fell off the face of the seas."_

"And… you're sure he wasn't discretely shipped off to Impel Down or…?" Merry offered uneasily.

" _Corpses and prisoners alike leave traces, but here there are_ none," Tsuru replied. " _Without any warning, the prince vanished and with him the entire scandal. And he is far from the only one."_

Lola swallowed heavily, cold sweat gleaming on her brow. "H-How many?"

The elderly Vice-Admiral's lips twisted in a grimace. " _The better question is 'how long', and the answer… is_ centuries. _Over the course of the World Government's existence, there have arisen many individuals like Calidin: sensitive prisoners and criminals, who could not be executed or imprisoned through normal means without blowback or due to some form of extenuating circumstances. Some of these individuals were of political importance, others were 'mentally disturbed', and would have been threats in both general population and solitary confinement alike… and of course, more than a few earned the personal ire of the World Nobles. What they all share in common is that once their incidents reached peak complexity, they vanished into the aether, never to be heard from again."_

"…I'll repeat," Vivi whispered in horror. "How many?"

" _Since the start of this Age… several hundred, without a trace."_

" _And… no leads, whatsoever? Nothing!?"_ Bartolomeo choked out.

Tsuru slowly closed her eyes. " _There is one thing. A single word, in a scant few locations, but… I doubt it to be random."_

" **And that would be…?"**

"… _Darkness."_

"…the _one_ fruit that could explain it, and we know for a _fact_ that it's impossible. Perfect." I clawed my hand down my face with an angry sigh. Then I looked up again as a thought occurred to me. "Wait a second, what about CP9? This seems like something they'd do."

" _A reasonable assumption, but sadly one I have already exhausted,"_ Scorpio interjected with a shake of his head. " _I have already asked Lucci, the oldest of the current generation, about those who vanished during his tenure as an agent, but he knows not a thing about any of them. It is possible he simply wasn't involved, but…"_

"No, I get it, Soldier of Justice, if anyone would have been involved…" I hummed in thought. "If things were different I'd finger Aegis 0, but they're exclusively at the World Noble's beck and call, so they'd only fit if _all_ the prisoners pissed them off, but that's not the case…" I clapped my hands with a firm nod. "Right, this is definitely a deep rabbit hole, and I'd rather know where it leads rather than wait for something to leap out and gnaw at us. You'll keep us informed if you learn anything?"

" _Of course,"_ Tsuru nodded.

" **AND MOVING RIGHT ALONG!"** Soundbite piped up eagerly. " _BONEMEAL! YA MENTIONED TALKING TO LUCCI!_ _ **I take it that means our favorite**_ **band of unscrupulous assassins** NOW WORK FOR US?"

T-Bone's mouth twisted into a self-satisfied grin. " _After a fashion, yes. They contacted us two weeks after Enies Lobby, and most of them accepted the offer at the outset. Rob Lucci was a bit more difficult, but after some…_ persuasion _on my part, he willingly swore his loyalty to us. However, the moniker of CP9 is obsolete; they now call themselves 'Jormungandr.'"_

Soundbite's eye and grin both twitched slightly. " _ **As in the Asgardian serpent of Ragnarok fabled to,**_ **what was it again… OH RIGHT!** _POISON THE HEAVENS?"_

"They are _not_ subtle about their opinion of us, are they?" Merry smirked.

" _Actually, that name was_ my _suggestion as their new commanding officer."_

I blinked in surprise before adopting a flat expression I prayed got through to T-Bone intact. "Come again?"

" _I have personally assigned the agents of Jormungandr to act as a, ah,_ precaution _, if you will,"_ T-Bone explained succinctly. " _Should any of us or, heavens forbid, all of us wholesale, abandon our mission and turn our backs on our morals, they will see to it that we do not live to see many days past our betrayal."_

" _WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT!?"_ Bartolomeo yelped in panic.

" _APAPA! I'M WITH THE HOOLIGAN, WHAT THE HELL, T-BONE!?"_ Apoo wailed.

" _It's nothing personal, you dunces,"_ the dilapidated Captain huffed with a weary roll of his eyes. " _And in case you didn't quite grasp my meaning, they're hanging over my head too."_

Tashigi's eyes widened in realization. " _You… set up a Damocles Sword contingency?"_

" _Precisely,"_ T-Bone nodded. " _We are all influential and powerful individuals, and it would be too easy for us to abuse our power. Should that occur, I would prefer that we have someone ready to lay us low rather than allow our good memories to be sullied by our own actions. I trust you all can agree?"_

Tsuru snorted rebelliously. " _I would have_ preferred _to be informed of such a decision before the blade was swinging over my neck, but, now that it is present, I see no reason to protest it."_

" _You're kidding, right?!"_ Foxy whimpered, his face sweating like a stuck pig.

"I, ah, actually get where they're coming from…" Lola rubbed the back of her neck with a wince. "I mean, look at Moria. Before Kaido killed his crew, he was a pirate like us… but then, one bad day turned him into a monster. I don't know about you, but… if I could become like him?" She shuddered heavily. "No. No, I'd rather die first."

The other Damned were silent for a bit before grumbling out their assent.

" _Not like it's the first time I've had a gun to my head anyways,"_ Barto grumbled reluctantly. " _Still don't like it though."_

" _Look at it this way: You planning on doing anything_ really _stupid any time soon? And you know the kind of stupid I mean,"_ Apoo asked.

" _No?"_

" _Then ya got nothing to worry about."_

" _Mrph, I suppose."_

T-Bone nodded firmly. " _Glad to hear it. That all being said, I assure you all that that is merely their last-resort order. In terms of current operations, well…"_ The grin T-Bone bore would have sent most anyone else running for the hills. " _Suffice to say that we of the Divine have have assigned them an assignment we found…_ fitting."

" _Allow me to elaborate,"_ Tashigi offered primly.

 **-o-**

"I'm sorry, I _must_ have misheard you." Sengoku whipped his glasses off in order to better stare in disbelief at the World Government— _not_ Marine—officer standing before him. "You're trying to tell me that we have lost all contact, and there is no trace of where they are or where they may be? No snail calls, no notes, no sign of forced entry or exit in their bases? Because _that_ is what you imply when you say that they have _disappeared."_

It was a true testament to the quality of the World Government's training that the officer showed not even a hint of emotion as he nodded. "I am afraid so, Fleet Admiral, sir."

Sengoku tried to remain calm. He really did.

" _HOW IS IT THAT NOT ONE, BUT_ _ **TWO**_ _CIPHER POL UNITS HAVE DISAPPEARED?!"_

But ultimately, it was a losing battle, and one that shook more than a few walls in Marine HQ.

Once his indulgence was fulfilled, however, Sengoku pinned the officer with a scathing glare. "I assume that CP1 through CP6 have already been assigned to investigate the disappearances of 7 and 8?"

"Cipher Pol 5, yes," the officer nodded in confirmation. "Cipher Pols 1 through 4, however, are maintaining their current operations, while 6 has been given other orders."

It didn't take a genius to make the leap of logic. "They're being put into hiding?"

"It was deemed prudent, yes," the officer confirmed. "Considering how they were the next to be targeted, we assume that so long as they remain untouched, CP5 will be able to investigate in peace."

Sengoku started to nod in understanding as he conceded that the precautions being taken were valid ones, before freezing as a thought occurred to him. Slowly, he turned an acidic gaze on the officer. "Did anyone," he ground out. "Think to _inspect_ the security of CP6's safehouse before they went to it?"

If the way the officer froze up before bolting out of the room like his ass was on fire was anything to go by, the answer to that question was a resounding _no._

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

Sengoku turned towards the snail on his desk, who was already sweating and cowering in his shell in the face of his rage. Breathing hard, Sengoku picked up the receiver.

" **If you are calling to report that the Cipher Pol 6 unit has disappeared,** _ **for the sake of your well-being, I suggest that you hang up now."**_

"…KA-LICK!"

It was a _testament_ to how much practice Sengoku had acquired over the past few months that he _actually_ managed to keep himself from blowing Marineford's roof off again. "Why the _hell_ did I want this job again…?" he lamented miserably.

 **-o-**

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that's just poetic justice if I've ever seen it!" Merry cackled.

" _If I didn't think we were all completely insane_ before," the Lieutenant Junior Grade breathed reverentially, a goofy smile shared on Soundbite's face.

"When this comes to light…" Vivi slowly shook her head with a dumbstruck expression. "Th-There's just no better way to put it: They are going to lose their _shit."_

" _That was our intention with the endeavor, yes,"_ Captain T-Bone chuckled malevolently.

"… _Have I said recently that I'm very happy that I'm on your side? Because I am_ very _happy that I'm on your side,"_ Foxy chuckled weakly.

"Who ya talkin' to, Foxy?" Merry leered. "Him, or us?"

" _BOTH!"_ both the fox and the would-be cannibal roared, while the DJ settled for cackling.

"Alright, moving on from this deliciously evil plan," I said with some reluctance. "Does anyone else have any topics they'd like to bring up?"

" _Actually, Cross, I have a plan in the works, too,"_ Apoo offered. " _A plan to take our rivalry to a whole new dimension!"_

"A little late for that, I'm already here," I snarked, and in response to the groans, I added, "Oh, come on, how many people have even been able to make that joke? But fine, what exactly are you talking about?"

"It's simple, really."

All present turned their heads upward at the sound of flapping wings and a new voice. The reactions varied: Vivi and Lola were taken aback, Soundbite's eyes narrowed somewhat, and Merry waved warmly. "Hi, Coo!"

"Coo!?" I myself stuck with exclaiming in shock. "What the hell are you—!?"

"We're talking about a head-to-head between the realms of audio and visual," the seagull smirked proudly, a smirk that was directed at my snail. "Long time no see… _slimy-crawly._ "

Soundbite recoiled in shock, letting loose a bark of laughter. "AIN'T EVER GONNA BE _LONG ENOUGH, FEATHER-RAT! STILL, THOUGH."_ He eyed the bird with an appreciative air. " _ **Glad to see you've finally grown a spine under all the fluff."**_

"Heheh, what can I say?" Coo chuckled as he landed on some rubble, dipping his newsboy cap down. "I'm done being on my best behavior. After all, what's the point when I'm about to undergo a change of profession?"

I jerked my head in shock. "Repeat that!?"

" _I've reached my limit on suspense for the day, can we get on with it?"_ Bartolomeo groused.

Coo's response to that was to look off to the side, his expression darkening. "How much do any of you all know about the Editor in Chief of the World Economic Journal, 'Big News' Morgan?"

I could only shrug helplessly. "Jack all, but going by your tone I'm gonna take a wild guess and say there's nothing good _to_ know?"

"Well, let me summarize," Coo snapped, beak doing the same. "The bastard is a pompous, overly fluffed _hack_ of an editor who has morning tea with Charlotte 'Big Mom' Linlin, brunch with any number of World Nobles, lunch with the Marine's Propaganda and Public Relations offices, and who prefers that his dinners be any honest and _good_ journalists, spiced with their own integrity, and sautéed and served on a _spit."_

"Or, to summarize," Vivi offered, looking like she smelled something foul. "He's a headline-seeking gloryhound whose pockets are as wide open as the pit of Enies Lobby. Trust me, it's standard practice amongst the nobility to cross-reference every paper ten times over."

" _ **Alright, he's an ass, we get it,"**_ Soundbite muttered.

"Undeniably," Coo nodded right back. "And as such an ass, we News Coos _really_ have no love for him. But, our whole life, he's been our only option for employment, it's how things have always worked for as long as we live, yadda yadda yadda…" He spun his wing for a bit before grinning and pointing a feather at me. "And then _you guys_ come along, and show us all something quite eye-opening: that the times… oh, they _are_ a-changin'."

" _So, a number of News Coos decided to look into batting for the other side of the law on the sly,"_ Apoo picked up, his grin back in place. " _And they all had the smart idea that, seeing as you're already busy with your own schtick, they oughta try their luck with someone like-minded and like-skilled, but different. I.E., ME! APAPAPA!"_

"You're doing pirate radio. Well, we're gonna be printing and publishing pirate _papers!"_ Coo nodded proudly. "A journal that reports the truth, the whole truth, and nothing _but_ the truth, no matter what anyone says or how they try and stop us! Ladies and gentlemen…" Coo spread his wings and puffed his chest out. "You're looking at the ace reporter of the brand-spankin' new publication that's going to take the world by storm: the Free Feather Report!"

There was a round of vaguely pleased muttering that prompted Coo to slump over in depression. As a result, Tashigi speaking up caught everyone's attention.

" _Um… Apoo? Not that I don't_ love _this idea, because really, having an honest newspaper—and an alternative to Cross—"_

"OI!"/ " _ **TRAITOR!"**_

"— _would be_ fantastic, _I'm assuming you've actually planned this out?"_ Tashigi asked.

" _Of course I have!"_ Apoo said, a touch of offense in his tone. " _I'm good at planning things for the long term!"_ His cocky grin remained in place for a few seconds before it faltered somewhat. " _Apa… w-when I have to be, anyways… A-And besides, the News Coos themselves had most of the groundwork laid out before they came to me! They just wanted me because my ship's a great mobile base for their paper, and_ I'm _almost as good a rabble-rouser as Cross!"_

"Who, by the way, is responsible for us being so prepared in the first place," Coo picked up with a smirk. "See, ever since the SBS got started, a lot of the world's population has been wising up to the fact that 'dumb animals' isn't a very accurate label… in both senses of the word whenever the living snot-bubble is present."

" _ **I WILL**_ **give you a Muppet's voice,** _YOU LIVING DUSTER, don't think I won't."_

" _Any-_ ways," the gull continued with a roll of his wing. "Ever since you started raising global opinion of us, we Coos have been getting a _lot_ of generous tips whenever we make our delivery, and we've been saving them up in a communal fund since a little before you burned down Enies Lobby. And considering how we're a literally _global_ organization with a population-wide clientele, well…" The bird's grin spoke volumes.

" _Holy shit… and our paychecks are worth_ how much _again!?"_ Tashigi incredulously demanded.

" _In light of this? Nowhere_ near _enough_ ," T-Bone grit out in a long-suffering tone.

"Heheheheh, yeeeaaah," Coo nodded proudly. "Couple that with the fact that most of us are completely literate after doing our jobs for so long, along with help putting together the resources thanks to the On Air Pirates and Samson's Transponder Snail Palace, and you have the beginning of an independent pirate newspaper that's gonna match the SBS in both scale _and_ impact!"

" _Over a hundred Coos are already on our side,"_ Apoo boasted. " _And at the rate things are going, not only will the first issue will be ready to print and publish in a month, two at most, but when we put it out, we'll be leaving the WEJ stripped_ bare _in the process. Like I said: get ready, 'cause this rivalry's going to the next level!"_

"…Wow," was all I could get out, and weakly at that. I mean, really, what else _could_ I say? "This is… holy _wow…_ Nicely played, Apoo. Nicely played _indeed."_

" _Apapapa! Gotta keep pace with you_ somehow! _Your captain might be my opponent as a pirate, but when it comes to raising hell, it's you I butt heads with! If you think I'm gonna slack off even an inch, you've got another thing coming!"_

"Heheheh!" Coo flicked his cap's brim up, feathers ruffling in pride. "I'm betting that once this picks up, even your loud-mouthed pest won't be able to keep disrespecting us!"

" _ **FAAAAT CHAAAANCE,"**_ Soundbite drawled in a sing-song tone. " _YOU'VE GRADUATED TO THE_ TIER ABOVE _the rest of the world's_ _ **feather-rats,**_ **I'll give you that. BUT THE ONLY BIRDS I'VE MET** _ **AND ACTUALLY LIKED are**_ CARUE'S SQUAD _and_ _ **Terry and Isaiah."**_

 _That_ drew a horrified shudder from the bird. "Oh, don't even _mention_ those two lunatics to me, I oughta peck your eyes out for giving them my name!" Coo groaned. "Ever since I stopped by Navarone, all I can hear is 'Swagger, Bear Glove, Swagger, Bear Glove.' It gives me a headache, it does~"

" _ **And there goes**_ _any chance of you_ CHANGING MY—"

"After all, every News Coo knows that none are greater than the Wing and Hammer flock!"

A pause followed those words. Then, slowly, Soundbite's face split into a grin.

" _ **Congratulations,**_ **NOW** _I like you,"_ he drawled. Then he glanced at me. "SHOULDN'T YOU BE **headdesking** _ **right now?"**_

"We have established that I'm having problems remembering details," I said through gritted teeth. "Meaning I have no brain cells to spare. It is taking everything that I have to _not_ do it. Don't push me or I will use your shell as a convenient blunt instrument, both now _and in the future."_

Soundbite recoiled fearfully before adopting a scowl. " _ **Why do you have to have an excuse**_ _that I can't argue with?"_ he grumbled before looking back at Coo, a curious look in his eyes. "BY THE WAY, **you mentioned that YOU'RE WORKING WITH SAMSON?"**

"Yeah, but he's a silent partner," Coo responded with a dismissive wave of his wing. "He's privy to the details and he's open to providing whatever resources he can, but he doesn't want his name anywhere near it. We don't begrudge him for it."

" **That's good enough,"** Soundbite grinned. " **SEE… MY GEAR'S BEEN** _ **GIVING ME A FEW IDEAS**_ _HERE AND THERE._ _ **Specifically, in regards to my**_ **cousins…"**

 **-o-**

The most impactful meeting of the New World Masons to date went on for a while longer after that as we hammered out the finer details of the Free Feather Report, the abbreviated version of Tashigi (potentially) recruiting the new Cleaner, and the supply transference and security measures for the pirate haven, including rechristening it. From there, after gathering a status report on the new additions to our number—and between Navarone and Foxy, suffice to say that Lola wouldn't be short on helping hands—the meeting finally came to an end.

Our return to the party was eager, Lola to share the news with her crew, Vivi and Merry to enjoy the party, and me? Well, part of it was the party, but with our newly established bargain with the Triangle, I could start up the SBS after all. But there was one tiny detail I had to hammer out first.

"Excuse me, Cross."

I glanced at my side to see Funkfreed walking past me, snatching Soundbite from my shoulder in the process and with Lassoo on his back. Wait, what?

"We need to work something out, we'll be right back," Lassoo called as they headed into the distance. I stared dumbfoundedly for a few minutes before ultimately shrugging it off; if they didn't want to tell me, I guess it was their business.

It worked out anyway, I reflected as I walked towards the piano, where ivory bones were tickling the ivory keys. This… was something I'd rather do solo.

"Taking requests?" I asked casually as I leaned back on the piano with my elbows, my eyes never leaving the party. Or rather, never leaving the guests of honor who were located on the edge of the party courtesy of one of said guests forcibly keeping the other in place whenever he tried to leave.

"If you can hum it, I can try and fake it," Brook mused, wholly engrossed with his craft. "Who knows, perhaps I'll even recognize that which you wish for."

"Then in that case, how about…" I glanced over my shoulder at him. "'What I Saw on Kuma Way'?"

"Yohoho~" Brook chuckled with honest amusement, his digits never missing so much as a note. "Ahh, but of course you'd know. I'd have joined them, you know, but with how I was pinned by the rubble—"

"No need for excuses, I don't doubt you would have jumped in if you could," I interrupted. "Just… your personal point of view?"

"Ah, well in that case…" Brook's empty gaze grew somewhat far off as he played on automatic. "I can only imagine what it must have looked like once, but to see it again up close, and worse… and _yet…"_ Brook followed my gaze, eyeing my fellow Mates. "They knew. They knew exactly what they were getting into, even before they took that first taste… and they did it regardless. Such bravery is only witnessed once in a generation, and yet I've seen it more times in the past day than I ever did while I still had my flesh. Truly, what a time to be alive…" His grin widened as he returned his gaze to the ivories, the music gaining a newfound uplifting tone. "And what peerless peers you have. They are both quite incredible, aren't they?"

And as I watched Nami keep Zoro in place next to her, laughing as he grabbed her cheek and stretched her grin out, all while she jabbed her finger in his side, I realized something.

"You're right," I breathed softly, pushing myself off of the piano. "They are incredible. And I'm gonna make sure that I never take that for granted again."

And so I set off. First to speak with Robin and Luffy, and then to go and get what I needed, so that I could do what I needed— _needed—_ to do.

Because after everything those two had done for me, both now and in the past, how could I not return the favor?

 **-o-**

A fair distance into the deep forest of Thriller Bark, far from any prying ears, Cross's three amigos exchanged looks with each other. It was hard to tell what they were thinking, but it was plain to see that they were not, by any stretch of the word, training. And were anyone familiar with them in hearing range, they would immediately know that they were intent on nobody overhearing them. After all, for the first time in months, they were not speaking the human tongue.

[So, what's the deal with this secret meeting?] Lassoo asked cautiously.

[ _And_ with you actually lowering yourself to our level to ask me to swipe you without anyone noticing?] Funkfreed concurred, before wincing and scratching the back of his head sheepishly. [Ah, no offense, of course, it's just that I've never actually _heard_ you speak normal before, so—!]

 **[Desperate** —gugh, hold on.] Soundbite shook his head diminutive head, wincing. [Sorry, hard to turn it off. Anyway, desperate times, desperate measures. I…] The snail's expression crumbled sorrowfully. [I… can't risk someone overhearing this, but if I have to keep it to myself I'll freaking pop my shell…]

The two half-animals shared knowing glances.

[You didn't tell them everything,] Funkfreed deduced.

[And it's not light, either,] Lassoo chuffed, settling in for a long talk.

Soundbite nodded solemnly. [Don't get me wrong, Cross is… well, you both know what I mean, of course—]

The Zoans exchanged looks again, but this time they shocked.

[—but… sometimes…] the Noise-snail trailed off, his gaze stretching off for miles. [Sometimes, there's just some shit you can't say to anyone…] He snapped a warning glare up at them. _**[EVER.]**_

The animal-weapons raised what limbs they could in surrender, no small amount of fear in the movement due to the air around them suddenly buzzing.

Soundbite let the threat hang in the air before slumping in defeat. [Because if he ever heard this… I'm almost positive that it would _destroy_ him.]

 **~o~**

And so the two started to walk off into the woods…

" _ **HOLD IT!"**_

Before a full blown medley of their crew roared out in perfect synch. A kind of synch that could only be achieved by—!

" _Soundbite!?"_ they blurted out, spinning around to catch sight of the omni-vocal snail perched on a stray chunk of rubble.

" _YEAH,_ _ **me!"**_ he spat, panting heavily from the exertion of crawling from wherever he'd landed. "IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GET THE MEMO, _**YOU CAN'T KEEP A**_ **slimy bastard down!"**

"Will you be putting your life on the line as well, 'Voice of Anarchy' Soundbite?" Kuma asked.

" _NO!"_ Zoro barked at Kuma and Soundbite both.

"Soundbite, you can't! If you even _brushed_ that stuff—!" Nami started to plead.

" _How stupid do you think I am?!"_ Soundbite snarled indignantly. " _ACTUALLY,_ **DON'T ANSWER THAT.** _ **The point is, I**_ **know** _**that that shit would kill me. IT'S ALREADY GOING TO DO A NUMBER ON YOU two…**_ AND I WANT TO BE THERE WHEN IT DOES. _I want to make a difference, however I can…_ _ **for once in my life…"**_

Nami blinked in shock, her expression slowly shifting to pity. "Soundbite…"

"I COULDN'T DO _SHIT_ TO ENERU, _**ONLY JUST MANAGED TO STOP THE WHITE FEATHER-RAT, and there's jack-all I can do for him now,"**_ Soundbite listed off in a dead tone. Then, he slowly lifted his eyestalks and gazed at her in tears. " **Don't…** don't take this from me… please…"

While Zoro and Kuma stared back at the snail with vaguely pitying dead-eyed expressions, Nami shuffled over to him and pick him up. Wordlessly, she carried him back towards Kuma and Zoro, who were already moving alongside the spheres of pain.

They moved in silence, most of their strength focused on getting their legs to move, and eventually came to an area that had already been mostly flattened from the war against Moria. Zoro stopped, and Kuma positioned the ball of Luffy's pain before him and the one of Cross's alongside it.

Nami hung back, using her Eisen clouds to place Soundbite on a branch within the view of the action, but far off the ground. Then she discarded the majority of her staff, the clouds retreating inside, as she moved back to face her fate with a benign tube of metal clutched in a deathgrip. Kuma regarded them both for a moment.

"…You would truly sacrifice your dreams for their lives?" he asked at last.

"…We're Straw Hats. Any of us would sacrifice our dreams for the rest of us without a second thought if that was what it took…" Nami picked up, hesitating for a bare moment. Then her resolve crystallized.

"But it's not just that. All of us have dreams of changing the world; Chopper's going to invent a true Panacea, Robin's going to uncover the Void Century, Vivi's going to become queen of an entire _kingdom!_ And sure, we're making an impact…" She shook her head. "But Cross is doing _so much more_. He's doing the impossible, taking a crowbar to a monolith that's been crushing us all for _centuries._ He's started something incredible… and I can't, in good conscience, let it end here. Too many people depend on him, there's too much weight in his words. He just… he _can't_ die now. So…"

Nami's mouth slowly lifted into a serene smile. "If the price to pay for him to follow his dream is my atlas, a dream that someone else can and will pick up, and can and will accomplish? Well…" she chuckled self-deprecatingly as she scratched the back of her head with a projected air of nonchalance. "You know how much of a miser _I_ am, right? No way in hell I'd pass up that kinda bargain!"

"As for me," Zoro said, a smirk on his face that was somehow bestial as well as peaceful. "Kuina may be pissed at me… but I made my decision long ago. The World's Greatest Swordsman has already sworn his life to the King of the Pirates."

"Ehhh?" Nami glanced at him with a catty expression. "Is that so? That's not how _I_ remember it. Didn't you once tell me that you swore, and I'm paraphrasing here, that you'd _always_ follow your own ambitions first, and that if Luffy _ever_ got in your way he'd have to, oh what was it again… oh right, _end his life on your sword?"_

Zoro smirked right back at her. "Have you forgotten, witch? I'm the big bad drunken oni. Who knows _what_ crazy shit I say, right?"

Nami chuckled lightheartedly as she looked back at the ball of agony, newfound life injected into her smile. "A witch and an oni, sacrificing themselves for the King of the Pirates and the Voice of Anarchy…" Her smile twitched ever so slightly. "It's almost like a bad joke…"

"You can take out the almost," Zoro growled as he double-tied his bandanna around his skull. "After all… we both know that the punchline is going to _suck."_

And so, the Pirate Hunter strode into his captain's suffering, and the Weather Witch followed him into her own ordeal barely a second after.

What followed next will _not_ be described, for the sake of all reading, due to the universally horrific nature of the event.

And yet, for all that what transpired was horrific, for all that it was gruesome and terrifying in every possible regard, it did not leave so much as a trace of an impression upon 'The Tyrant' Bartholomew Kuma.

"Did they know that such banter would comfort them…" the hyper-advanced cyborg mused. "Or was it sheer happenstance? And were they attracted to him because he was a D.… or was such confidence inspired because he's _your_ son…?" He remained silent for a moment before sighing and shaking his head slightly. "In the end, it is not so much the 'how' that matters as what comes of it. The only true question that remains is how far he will be able to continue at his current level."

And with that, the bio-metallic giant fell silent, and continued his vigil.

 **~o~**

Lassoo and Funkfreed stared at the sniveling snail as he came to the end of his story.

[No wonder you couldn't tell Cross that…] Funkfreed breathed. [Or even _Luffy,_ for that matter…]

[If those two ever found out that Zoro and Nami put their dreams of the throne and a new world ahead of their own…] Lassoo muttered, more to himself than anyone.

[If they managed to come out of that without the knowledge completely tearing them apart inside,] Soundbite sniffed woefully. [Then the resulting butting of heads would almost _definitely_ rip the crew in half. I… I can't tell _anyone_ about this, you hear me? If this ever got out…]

[The end of the Straw Hats… and you're trusting _us_ with it?] Funkfreed said incredulously. Soundbite looked up, puzzlement on his face beneath the tears.

[Ummm…] The snail swung his eyes between the two in honest confusion. [No duh? Why wouldn't I? You're Cross's partners, too.]

[In case you haven't noticed, you've been a bit of a little shit to us the whole time we've been on the crew.] Lassoo only managed half of a deadpan, unable to fully hide his disbelief.

[I'm a little shit to everyone on the crew, _why_ would that mean I consider you lesser than anyone else?] the snail questioned in genuine bewilderment.

The two Zoan-weapons locked eyes, a silent exchange passing between them. After a mutual nod they gave the snail reassuring smiles.

[Well, look, it's going to be alright, alright?] Funkfreed softly offered. [Nobody's ever going to hear about this, because you've gotten it off your chest, and we'll never say squat.]

[I mean, come on,] Lassoo chuffed, the vocalization shaking his bulky frame. [You _know_ what we did way back when. If there's anyone who knows a thing or two about keeping mum, it's us. You've done everything right, so now all that's left is to—]

[Let it go?] Soundbite finished with a shaky smile. He bowed his head and chuckled, shaking his eyestalks. [Heh… never thought I'd draw comfort from _that_ earworm, especially after Aokiji…] He held his position for a bit before perking up. [Ah… say, seeing as we've still got some time… wanna go fortify that excuse into an actual fact? I wouldn't mind some feedback on the best frequency to vibrate you at for maximum damage.]

Funkfreed nodded proudly, picking the snail up with his trunk. [You got it… _partner.]_

And with that, the trio started to make their way out of the depths of the forest they'd ensconced themselves in, but after taking a few steps, Lassoo slowed his pace and lagged behind, sniffing inquisitively at the air.

He kept his nose raised for a few seconds, but ultimately chuffed dismissively and loped back up to his fellow weapon before either of the animals could notice his absence.

Of course he'd noticed their tail, how couldn't he? Even if Soundbite was too absorbed in his grief and self-loathing to pay attention, Lassoo had sniffed them out as soon as they'd started hanging around at eavesdropping distance. But really, it was no problem. After all, if there was one person on the crew the dog-cannon trusted to be circumspect under the right circumstances, then it was definitely this one.

 **-o-**

[Guuuuh, damn it damn it _damn it,]_ a certain peeved gull cursed to himself as he flapped his way back down onto the island-ship once known as Thriller Bark. [Doing something so _rookie_ as forgetting to deliver the damn paper?! I know that we're breaking ties with that over-fluffed moron and I know that his rag's barely worth lining my roost with, but _still!_ Bah, with any luck he'll at least gimme a good tip or _somethi—WAGH!]_

Without any forewarning, the coo was suddenly knocked clean out of the air by something small and furry and _fast_ shooting out of the window of a structure that was still standing, _tackling_ him in midair. The impact knocked the wind out of Coo's sails, and more importantly, the rhythm out of his wings, sending both himself and his attacker plummeting to the earth.

The bird slammed into the ground with a " _Woof!"_ of pain, and the second he got his bearing back he started scrambling desperately to get his wings back in motion.

 _[Don't.]_

[Urgh!] Coo winced when a heavy weight landed on his chest and, more importantly, a paw slapped down onto his neck and held him in place.

[Don't move,] his attacker intoned. [Don't cry out for help, and don't give me any shit, or I swear that I will _ground you permanently._ Do I make myself clear?]

[Ggh… w-what the hell—? Who are—?] Coo cracked his eye open and tried to twist his head around to get a glance at his attacker. He promptly blinked in shock when he actually _recognized_ both what _and_ who had him pinned. [What the— _Cottontail?!]_

[In the flesh,] the fox responded coolly, her normally squinting eyes opened enough to pin the newsbird with enough ice to give Fire Fist Ace a nasty case of frostbite.

[Wh-What's the big idea?] the bird squawked indignantly, trying and failing to get some leverage to move. [I've been nothing but helpful to your crew—!]

[And you're going to give us a little _more_ help,] the cloud fox calmly interrupted. [Specifically, you're going to help _me,_ and you're _not_ going to let anyone else on the crew know about it, _especially_ Soundbite. If anyone ever finds out, I will track you down and feed you your own beak. Are we clear?]

Something in Su's tone gave Coo pause, and after a moment he nodded frantically. [Alright, alright, my beak is sealed! Now let me up, damn it!]

The fox quickly acquiesced, stepping off the gull, and immediately began barking out a blue streak when he flapped into the air. [SON OF A—!]

[Oh, calm down, I'm not going anywhere,] Coo groused as he landed on a nearby piece of rubble, well out of Su's reach. [I just want to actually talk to you _without_ giving you the chance to bite my head off if I say anything you don't like. And before you say anything, this isn't just for my sake, I'm _actually_ worried about you.]

Su twitched in place, honestly taken aback at that. [Wh-What? What are you—?]

[You're a _Straw Hat Pirate,]_ Coo snapped impatiently. [For all that you guys _love_ to screw around and be smartasses, you're also almost all genuinely good people. You wouldn't do something like this unless the reason for it was serious, and I'm not doing anything until I know what that reason is. So talk.] The bird's gaze softened, ever so slightly. [What's this about?]

For a second, Su fought a very visible war with herself, her diminutive frame shaking and twitching as her pride clashed with her pragmatism. Neither won; she slumped, defeated as the weight of the past twenty-four hours crushed both sides wholesale. [My best friend, Conis, is enamored with Cross,] she whispered in a broken tone.

Coo blinked, trying to make sense of the sudden non-sequitur. [That's… ah…? I'm… happy for her? Happy for me too, seeing as it means I win that thousand-to-one betting pool—!]

[Not _romantically,_ you moron!] Su snarled at the bird, hackles drawing back in a momentary burst of energy. [She _admires_ him in a mostly platonic way and that's _it!]_ And then, as fast as it came, the energy left Su and she shrank in on herself. [Cross… Cross was the entire reason Conis became a pirate. She admires Cross as an inspiration; his tenacity, his intelligence, his will to go forth and venture, she holds them all up as the standards that she aspires to every day.] Su's head drooped as she sighed. [And… she's not alone…]

Coo's eye-feathers shot up as he connected that with the oddly specific threat she'd pinned him with earlier. [ _You_ admire _Soundbite?]_

[How could I _not!?]_ Su demanded incredulously, sounding as though she were on the verge of tears. [He's just a snail, for crying out loud; his physical abilities are jack, he's rock bottom on the food chain, he's barely bigger than my paws, he's not even two years old, and in _anyone_ else's limbs, his powers would be practically _useless_ … and he's _still_ earned every _beri_ of his bounty! He's defiant in the face of the world's dangers, he fights like a wolf even when against a Sea King, and…] She sagged in defeat. [And he never, _ever_ fails to support his partner… no matter what…]

Another piece fell into place for the gull. [This is… about Eneru, isn't it?]

[Cross gave Conis the chance to see the world,] Su whispered tearfully. [Soundbite let me _fight._ He gave me a voice and a chance to ask for help, when in the past all I could do was suffer in silence, incapable of lifting a _paw_ as my best friend in the whole world _died_ , a little bit more each day. He gave me the courage I needed to leave the only home I've known my whole life, and support Conis as we sail through every kind of hell imaginable. That snail… h-he's more than one of my best friends… he's my _hero…]_

Coo remained silent, unsure how to respond to such an explanation and not wanting to risk the cloud fox getting angry again. That seemed to be a fool's goal, however, as the fox slowly uncurled and looked at him, cold fury back in her eyes.

[He's my hero… and today, he was made to feel _worthless,]_ she bit out. [Not ten minutes ago, he was brought to tears at the mere memory of what we endured. What he went through? It's _never_ going to leave him. I'm never going to be able to look at him again without remembering how low this day brought him… and I _refuse_ to ever see him that way again if I can help it. But…]

She glanced away, scowl still marring her features. [The fact is that I literally _can't_ help it. I can talk as big a game as I want, but at the end of the day I'm just a small fox with a big mouth, and unlike Soundbite, I _can't_ make that work.]

She kept her position for a bit before slowly looking up at Coo, the scowl now steely with determination. [And that's where _you_ flap in.]

Coo flinched back, more than a bit unnerved by the sheer conviction in the fox's gaze. [And… what do you think _I_ can do to help with that?]

The gaze cooled off as Su sat down on her haunches, her tail lashing back and forth. [You not only work for an organization made to gather information, you're founding one yourself. Your flock is spread all over the world, and you're going to put each and every last one of them to work, finding me _exactly_ what I need to stand a fighting chance in this mad world of ours, and actually make a damn _difference.]_

Coo thought it over for a moment before slowly nodding his acceptance. [And… what they'll be looking for would be…?]

[An old legend. One that my mother told me when I was a kit. One that all foxes, no matter where they're from and despite all the endless variations and mutations, know by heart.]

Su's eyes cracked open, shining from within.

[You're going to find me _everything_ you possibly can on the Children of Inari.]

 **-o-**

I've gotta admit, even after living in this world for somewhere over half a year now and living through the craziest and most unique experiences imaginable? I might not have a dearth of experience in the field of such things, but I'm _certain_ that there isn't anything in the world quite like a Straw Hat party, victory or otherwise.

And I'm certain that these parties are unique because nowhere else in the world will you find sights or experiences even remotely similar to what a Straw Hat party has to offer.

Nowhere else will you find a Five-Star East Blue cook from the North Blue fending off a rubber captain from the buffet with kicks capable of shattering concrete, all while lovingly serving whatever female might come by him _and_ tossing measured portions of food down the aforementioned captain's mouth whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Nowhere else will you find a tengu-nosed sniper leading whoever he possibly can in seventy unique songs all praising his crew, with a living skeleton providing background music.

Nowhere else could you find a band of martial-arts-practicing dugongs trying to wrestle a sleep-walking scientist that is also a mad doctor into submission, while an artillery-toting angel scrambles with said mad doctor's bag to find something to put him back down.

And _certainly_ nowhere else in the world will you find a demon-witch tangling with a monster-oni on a couch on the outskirts of said party. Or, rather, a monster-oni snapping at the demon-witch who was baiting him while wearing a grin befitting a certain gaseous feline.

"Still don't get why _you_ get off scot-free, while Luffy's still riding my ass and calling me an idiot! Him! Calling _me_ an idiot!" Zoro groused, scowling furiously into the bottle he was holding with the hand Chopper hadn't triple-bandaged to his chest.

"Well, while I'll admit that Luffy calling you that _is_ a bit hypocritical…" Nami grinned cattily as she stretched her threaded fingers above her head, only slightly hampered by the bandages that had been freshly applied to her arm. "I think I can give you an honest and completely logical reason as to why I'm being left alone."

"Why do I get the feeling I'm going to want to cut you?" Zoro grumbled, his scowl twitching into a half-smirk.

Nami's grin grew in both size and innocence as she got on her knees and pushed her head into the First Mate's personal space, the image only emphasized by the halo of pure white shining around her. "Because I am a cute and adorable lamb of innocence, who can do no wrong~" she practically _sang_ to him.

"I resent that!" Merry called from nearby, not pausing in her consumption of an entire barrel of hot pitch.

Zoro, meanwhile, turned his head to the navigator entirely and butted his forehead with hers, a rictus grin on his face, a vein bulging on his temple and murder gleaming in his eyes. "The shit cook is currently occupied with our idiot captain. What the hell is keeping me from doing what I should have done a long time ago and kicking your ass right here, right now?"

Nami's eyes cracked open and her grin grew malevolent as her halo darkened ominously. "Because if you do, I will fry your smarmy ass into a briquet and use your ashes to fertilize my _beloved_ tangerines."

Zoro's own grin widened significantly as his free hand started to drift towards Wado. "Bring it—!"

"WELL, NOW!"

" _GAH!"_ /"HOLY—!"

My erstwhile superiors promptly almost sent themselves tumbling ass-over-teakettle when I suddenly leapt over the back of the couch they were sitting on and landed between them.

I gave the pair my best winning grin as I watched them scramble to get their composure back. "You two are acting quite lively! Feeling better, I take it?"

My cheeky smile remained in place even as Zoro's hand slapped me upside my head. "Good enough to kick your ass twice over," he growled good-naturedly at me.

And it still didn't change when Nami gave me her own brand of 'attention' in the form of a chop to the skull. "And make it _thrice_ for me!" she laughed, sounding like she was more than a little drunk on the atmosphere.

Amused chuckles sprang from my throat as I received proof that my friends were hale and hearty. Once they subsided, I sent a glance at the bandage on Nami's arm. "So, I take it you got your tattoo touched up?"

Nami hesitated briefly before adopting a light smile as she ghosted her fingers over the bandages. "Ah… yeah, yeah I did. It'll take a week or so for the scars and ink to finish settling, but… yeah." She nodded, before continuing with considerable more conviction. "Yeah, good as new!"

"Great!" I clapped my hands and rubbed them together eagerly. "Well, if that's the case, then what say the three of us celebrate, eh?" And with that, I dug through my bag and withdrew the items I'd temporarily left the party to gather.

It wasn't anything special, really. Just a small bottle of sake and three saucers, perfectly average.

Still, however average the items were, Nami and Zoro took one look at them and froze up, looking like they'd seen a flying purple people eater sprout from the table.

Don't ask me how I know what that looks like. Seriously, South Blue tequila: _never again._

"Uh, Cross?" Zoro said, cold sweat shining on his brow. "I, ah, this could be a cultural thing or something, but this is—!"

"Eh?" I hummed idly, my innocent smile not shifting an inch as I filled all three saucers, with plenty of overlap between them. "You say something?"

Zoro fell silent as for _once_ he read between the lines, and Nami picked up the torch in his stead, snapping her head around in frantic desperation. "Cross, I-I don't think Robin would—!"

And then our navigator's words died in her throat when she caught our archaeologist's eye, and her only reaction was to smile knowingly and raise her glass in toast, a motion that Luffy eagerly mirrored with his own frothing mug of… what I _really_ hoped was Cola. Drunk Luffy is not something the world will ever be prepared for.

Nami held her open-mouthed stare for almost a minute, and when she finally returned her gaze to me, I met it with a saucer raised in salute. "Cheers?" I offered.

It took a few minutes before their shock finally grew numb enough that they could respond with any semblance of composure.

"You _are_ serious about this, aren't you?" Nami softly stated.

I could only keep my cheeky grin up for a moment longer, at which point I slowly sobered up. Gazing into my saucer, I traced the bottom of the cup through the clear liquid. "Ever since I came here," I said softly. "You two have stuck by my side. Through thick and thin, hell and high water… through every troubled time, all the heartache and pain. You've only ever doubted me with damn good reason and have _never_ let me down. And then today you put your lives on the line for me… and… and…" I swallowed heavily before saying what I had to. "If you… honestly agreed to do this… this downright _crazy_ thing with me… I would be honored and _privileged…_ and I _swear_ that I will stand by you through every inch of whatever comes next… just as I know you'll stand by me."

Nami stared at me with wide eyes, every gear in her brain visibly turning at full speed in an effort to make sense out of everything I'd just… _poured out_ to her. And finally, her expression still dumbstruck, she slowly raised a finger to point at me. "You," she breathed in a low tone, her voice raw with emotion. "Are an insufferable _bastard._ And _you—"_ She snapped her attention to Zoro. "Are a suicidal _moron…_ "

And then she scooped her saucer up, head shaking. "And God help me, I'm worse than the both of you combined because for the life of me I can't think of anywhere else in the world I'd rather be!" she spat out in a single breath.

Zoro mulled that over for a bit before heaving a sigh of defeat. "Well, you're right about one thing…" The swordsman leaned over and raised his saucer, smirking all the while. "Only someone with a real death wish would agree to try and keep you clowns safe."

I slowly looked between the two, scarcely able to believe it, to believe that they'd _actually_ agreed to this, and when I did, I steeled my gaze and nodded firmly. "OK… OK then. Let's do this. On the count of… ah, screw it!" And with that I knocked my saucer back, my fellow officers doing the same moments after.

We all drained our cups, holding our positions for a few moments…

"GAH!"/"HOLY HELL!"/"URGH!"

Before we all hunched forward as we suddenly experienced the _wonderful_ sensation of having our faces kicked in by a heaping helping of—!

"THAT WAS _VODKA,_ YOU JERK!" Nami and Zoro raged at me together, slamming the back of my skull at the same time, not that I could _notice_ at the moment!

"Not my fault! Who puts _vodka_ in a _sake pitcher!?"_ I wheezed, massaging my burning throat. "And aren't you two supposed to be our resident _anti-drunks?!"_

"Not against _South Blue COMЯADE-grade Spirits!"_ Nami hacked, furiously wiping tears from her eyes.

"Those ice-toting bastards use it to tan _Sea King hides!"_ Zoro choked out.

"Alright, alright, my bad," I conceded, waving him off. "Should I, what, go and get an actual bottle and we try again or—?"

"NO NEED!"

"GAH!"

We all jumped when Luffy suddenly bellowed from the rafters, where he was swinging like the animal that gave him his surname.

"YOU GUYS DID IT!" our captain whooped. "CONGRATS, ALL OF YOU! C'MON! _PARTY HARDER!"_

We all stared at him and the intensifying celebrations before collapsing bonelessly onto our couch.

"Fuuuuck that sucked so hard…" I breathed through my still-burning throat, my eyes clenched shut.

"Yeah…" Nami and Zoro nodded in agreement, in much the same state.

I paused for a second as I considered things before tilting my head slightly. "…either of you regret it?"

Even without looking, I could _tell_ that the pair had both adopted shameless smiles. " _Nope."_

"Yeah…" I could tell, because I'm pretty sure I had one myself. "Me neither."

And that, as they say, was that.

 **-o-**

" _Don don don don!"_

"Oh, thank goodness," Kaya sighed in relief, laying aside the pen that had been writing her thesis on Devil Fruit-inflicted illnesses as Merry moved to pick up the snail. "I was starting to get worried with the delay."

"Given that they seemed to have all but won when last we heard them, I will admit to sharing the sentiment, Miss Kaya," Merry responded as he dutifully made his way to his master's side with snail in hand—or on-platter, as it were. "But it _is_ Luffy and his comrades. I suspect that they've earned _some_ modicum of faith, no?"

"Just to confirm, when you say Luffy…" Kaya spread her fingers against each other as she raised her gaze heavenward. "You mean the _brilliant_ young man who got lost on his way to the north shore because he thought he was supposed to head in the direction that felt _coldest,_ yes?"

Merry chuckled… well, sheepishly as he scratched the back of his head. "Point taken, m'lady: Faith with a grain of salt."

"A lot of salt!"

"A big pile of it!"

"The whole shaker!"

Both mistress and servant looked to the window to see the Veggie Trio perched on Usopp's old branch outside.

"One day I'm going to pour syrup on that branch, just to see how you three react…" Merry mused thoughtfully.

"One day!" Pepper laughed.

"But not today!" Carrot snickered.

"Now c'mon, c'mon! Pick up already!" Onion whined.

"Patience, boys," Merry chuckled, removing the receiver from the snail. The sounds that came out removed what tension remained among them; it was easy to pick out the sounds of a party going on in the background.

"— _take one down, pass it around, no more bottles of rum on the wall! So, how many of you believe that I actually made it all the way down from a thousand bottles?"_

The occupants of the room all glanced at each other.

"No way he did that," Onion finally said. "It'd take him, like, five hours to do that! Even Cross wouldn't talk for five hours straight."

"Well, I don't know about that…" Merry hedged. "Jeremiah Cross does love to talk. But I do agree that singing down from a thousand bottles is unlikely."

"Also, how did you get to five hours, Onion?" Kaya asked.

The boy immediately flushed, not-so-surreptitiously glancing towards his buddies. "W-Well, I saw how long it takes to count to a thousand in a book somewhere—"

"Neeeeeerd!"

"—a-and then I timed one of the verses and did a little math—"

" _Neeeeeerd!"_

" _Well, the answer_ should _be obvious, but for now?"_ Cross grinned cockily, saving Onion from further embarrassment. " _We have more important matters to attend to—WHAAAH!"_ Suddenly, the feed was overwhelmed by a choked squawk. " _WHAT ARMMPH!"_ This was followed by the snail the pirate was talking to gagging on its own tongue.

" _ **RISKIES!**_ **WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU—** mmph?!"

" _Got them both gagged!"_ a foreign voice cackled impishly. " _Rolling Pirates, altogether now!"_

" _START THE SBS!"_

"GAAAH!" Cross bellowed, veins bulging on the snail by proxy. "I'M GETTING FREAKING SICK OF PEOPLE DOING THAT TO ME!"

" **GET BACK HERE, YOU TWO!** _TAKE YOUR BEATINGS LIKE MEN!"_

"They're gonna get it!" the ex-Usopp pirates sang, Kaya and Merry snickering in agreement.

" _Alright, fine. You want to play hard to get? FUNKFREED, PACHY-RIOT!"_

The laughter cut off into somewhat confused awe when the snail started transmitting the noise of a _lot_ of rushing, cannoning water all at once.

"…Oh, dear," the five said together.

 **-o-**

"Huh, so Moria actually kicked it?" Charlotte Pudding mused to herself as she stirred a bowlful of chocolate. For the most part, listening to the SBS was just background noise while she laid foundation for a new building she was planning to add to Cacao Island. "Sheesh, and after Crocodile went down, too? Either the Straw Hats are really just that strong… oooor the Paradise Warlords are just a bunch of weak bitches, and Hancock doesn't count because she's in the Calm Belt." She glanced over at her personal homies. "What do you guys think?"

Nitro and Rabiyan glanced at one another, and the returned to grinning blankly at their mistress.

"Little bit of both?" Pudding nodded. "Yeah, you're right, probably a bit of both."

Meanwhile, Cross huffed and puffed with exertion as he came down from his rage-high. " _Ugh, I liked those two better when they were stuck in frickin'_ squirrels… _Anyway, where was I?"_

" _Any chance I could cut in here?"_

Pudding blinked, outright staring at the snail. "Was that…? No, it couldn't be, she wouldn't dare. I mean, sure, she was always a bit of an idealistic moron, but even _she_ wouldn't be so—!"

"… _Well, that depends. Did you take part in—?"_

" _Of course I did, do you really think anyone in the world wouldn't?"_

" _ **I'll concede**_ _that much,_ IT IS **fun,"** Soundbite said.

" _Mmrg… eh, fine, go ahead. Can't be too upset in the face of news like this!"_ Cross said cheerfully, before blinking. " _Oh, but let me lead in first. Ahem… people of the world, in case the fact that we're celebrating here isn't evidence enough, Thriller Bark has fallen and Moria and his cronies have disappeared… which actually isn't as good as it sounds, seeing as we have no idea where the hell they've all assed off to. If anyone sees hide, hair or… well,_ shadow _of them? Call it in to the nearest Marines. Corrupt or not, I feel safe in saying that the whole world wants those monsters locked away."_

"Huh, so they couldn't seal the deal?" Pudding pouted cutely, glancing in a mirror to confirm that her mask was as good as ever. "Aw, that's too bad. I guess they really are just a bunch of loud, worthless scum after all. Would have been nice if they could have squirmed a _little_ bit before Mama ground their skulls into paste… _ergh, that's revolting!"_ Pudding shuddered as she took a taste from her bowl. "Ugh, too bitter, needs more sugar…"

" _Now, onto more present affairs: See, despite the fact that the denizens of Thriller Bark are all gone, and despite the fact that we… really all but literally raised hell trying to put that shadowy bastard down, the island itself—which, to elaborate, is a massive landmass from the West Blue that Moria converted into a gigantic ship—is still intact, as are all of the seaworthy parts. And as a result of that, one of Moria's more notable prisoners, whose name all of you are very quickly going to come to know, has come up with a crazy brilliant idea. Which we, as a brilliantly crazy crew, have decided to endorse with one hundred percent of whatever rep we might have! And thus, I cede my speaker to her. Rock the world, my friend!"_

" _With pleasure! Ladies and gentlemen, assorted buccaneers and corsairs across the six seas! My name is Lola, Captain of the Rolling Pirates, former prisoner of Moria, and newly made ally of the Straw Hat Pirates!"_

 _SMASH!_

Pudding gaped at the snail with all three of her eyes wide in shock, ignoring the fact that her bowl had slipped through her fingers and sprayed chocolate all over her cute shoes. "That _idiot,"_ she breathed in honest, if disgusted, awe. "She actually got away while being that _stupid?_ Holy _shit."_

" _I'm taking this opportunity to deliver an announcement with the world: my crew and I have decided that in order to truly desecrate the memory of Moriah's reign upon the island-ship once known as Thriller Bark… here, upon this tainted soil, we will found the single_ greatest _pirate haven this world has ever and hopefully will_ ever _see! A truly free city, beholden to none but those within! A city wholly dedicated to laughter and pleasure and joy for all who have the courage to go out to sea and hoist the black flag in the name of freedom and adventure!"_

"Heh… HAHAHAHAHA!" Pudding threw her head back and cackled madly, her years of culinary expertise allowing her to shriek her sadistic joy while also getting a fresh batch started. "She really _is_ that stupid! And now Mama's gonna grind her and anyone _stupid_ enough to be near her to _dust!_ Ooooh!" Her laughter ceased, an eager glint in her eyes. "And then, when she and the rest of the neanderthals that I call siblings are celebrating afterwards, maybe I can loot their pockets for spare change and—!"

" _Oh, and if anyone's thinking of swinging by for_ whatever _reason that doesn't involve a good time?"_ Lola added almost as an afterthought. " _Fair warning to you: We're still located in the Florian Triangle."_

Pudding froze mid-celebration, even her stirrer stilling in shock. "…eh?"

" _It sounds a bit farfetched, I'm aware, but rest assured that we of the Rolling Pirates have found a way to… let's say_ coexist _with the Triangle. As such, those who come here with good intentions will be free to enter, but everyone else?"_ The way the snail's eyes narrowed menacingly, there was _no_ doubt in Pudding's mind as to who _specifically_ her sister was addressing. "Tough luck."

Pudding didn't need a fully functioning Third Eye to see where _this_ was going, and she showed as much when she cursed furiously and leapt at Nitro. "Congeal, _congeal!"_

Thankfully, the slimy Jelly Homie immediately did just that, its gooey mass thickening right as Pudding stuffed it in her ears…

"— _ **AAAAAAGGGHHH!"**_

And _right_ as a wave of pure rage slapped clean across Cacao Island, shaking the walls of Pudding's recently cooked house and cracking every sugar-glass window in its pane.

Once the assault was over, Pudding slowly dragged Nitro's slime out of her ears, wincing at the sensation, and stared at the relative destruction around her, this far from Whole Cake Island, in awe, her mind trying and failing to imagine what ground zero looked like.

"Kudos, Lola…" she breathed to herself. "You just managed to paralyze the whole of Totland for _weeks."_

 **-o-**

" _From now on, when a pirate ventures into the mists of the Florian Triangle?"_ Lola proclaimed proudly. " _No longer will they be devoured by the foreboding jaws of Thriller Bark! But rather, they will be met with open arms and good cheer_ by the pirate nation of SKELTER BITE! YEEEAAAH!"

" _YEEEEAAAAAAH!"_ the rest of the Rolling Pirates cheered alongside their captain.

"…Well. That's the last time I miss a group meeting," Hina said tightly, a breath away from setting the tip of her cigarette aflame. "If this isn't what Ophiuchus called about, I'll eat my gloves."

"You think she's going to clue the rest of the world into how they expect to create an effective haven in that dead, sunless patch of sea?" Fullbody wondered.

" _Now, of course, this haven_ is _still a work in progress; it could hardly be anything else when it was Moria's hell not even a day ago, but we can still promise you all a place to rest without worry of persecution,"_ Lola continued. " _Once we're up and running, we'll take standard payment, but in the meantime, labor to help make this place what it's meant to be will suffice. For anyone who's alright with that, it won't be hard to find the place; the Rolling Pirates will have scouts on the lookout for any ships that take the leap of faith and venture into the fog, and we'll hail anyone without malicious intent and lead them to the island."_

"Guess not," Jango shrugged carelessly. "Makes sense that they would want to keep the secret of how they're keeping the island safe and hidden… well, a secret!"

"I suppose the finer details are for Masons' ears only," Hina muttered. She then side-eyed her seconds-in-command. "And _no,_ we are not swinging by there if they ever have a Dance and/or Karaoke Night!"

" _Damn it!"_ the pair cursed, snapping their fingers in synch.

 **-o-**

"…I still can't get past it!" Namur snapped in exasperation. "How does a group of rookies come out of nowhere and not only topple two Warlords but recruit entire _islands_ in the process?"

"Maybe he's getting a head start on coming after Red-Hair and me," Whitebeard mused with a rumbling chuckle. "But it's still impressive that they managed to get anything good out of that ocean."

" _Alright, that's the basics, and hopefully I'll be able to offer more details in a month or two. Now, back to your regularly scheduled Voices of Anarchy."_

"Hmm…"

The septuagenarian Emperor glanced down at his First Division Commander, who'd just hummed thoughtfully. "Got something on your mind?"

"Yeah…" Marco nodded slowly, a smirk starting to play across his face. "A dilemma, of sorts: Should the name of the bar our representative sets up on Skelter Bite be named as a reference to the crew, or should they choose it themselves?"

All eyes snapped straight to the First Division Commander, everyone present trying to make sense of what he'd just said.

"A… bar?" Haruta repeated blankly.

"Or rather…" Vista picked up as he sported an eager grin. "An _embassy,_ yes?"

The phoenix-man nodded proudly as he pointed at the other Commander. "Hole in one, swordsman."

"Hrm…" Whitebeard leaned back in his seat ( _not_ a throne, as he'd emphasized many a time; at this point, he swore his children were doing it on purpose) and scratched at his cannula. "Now that you mention it… it _does_ sound like the Warlords _have_ been getting uppity back in Paradise… and it _would_ have been nice to give Ace more backup during his hunt than just two of our allies…"

"Still whole!" Speed Jiru dutifully informed them all, the Whitebeards' Vivre card catalogue open at his feet. "Along with Whitey and Squard, and still pointing to Paradise! Probably, I dunno, lost their snails or somethin'?"

"And those issues _could_ have been rectified if we'd kept an active presence across the Red Line, which a base of operations would facilitate," Marco smoothly concluded. "Plus, another line of income never hurts."

"Mmph," Whitebeard nodded in agreement. "Very well then. Get me a list of volunteers and I'll choose who goes. Can't have all of you running off for a vacation posting at once, now can I?"

While the rest of the crew chuckled good naturedly at the jab, the SBS forged on.

" _Thank you very much, Lola,"_ Cross said with exaggerated—though not mocking—politeness. " _Now, as much as I'd love to jump right into the victory party, I have a promise to fulfill. All of you former shadowless all over the world… if you'd like to call in and share your stories? Now is the time. The lines are open."_

"You know, I have a feeling that if anyone in Marineford is second-guessing that _ludicrous_ bounty," Jozu said. "They won't be for much longer."

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ **AAAAND** _ **here comes Caller Number One**_ — _Puru puru puru puru!"_ Soundbite sang.

" _No time like the present! And you are_ live!"

" _Marine Code 32296, Chief Warrant Officer Ernest Gheilt. May I speak, Jeremiah Cross?"_

Any further discussion of embassies was promptly stabbed in the face, all attention going to the snail, which held a carefully neutral expression.

" _I won't hang up on someone just because they're a Marine,"_ was all Cross said in response. Gheilt took the silence that followed for the cue that it was.

" _I enlisted in the Marine Corps at the earliest opportunity I got, and my iaijutsu helped me advance through the ranks. Two years ago, I was promised a promotion to Ensign and a post in Marineford, but sailing for the Tub Current to reach it, my ship was caught in a storm, and was blown off course into the Florian Triangle. It goes without saying what happened there… when I came to and realized what had happened, I called my superiors and informed them… and ever since that day, I've been denied my promotion and kept out of sight. Deskwork and chore duty… I kept my rank, my men, and my ship, but I was reduced to nothing more than a glorified grunt that they would rather forget about! I found myself falling into despair… but I've realized since then that there's one good thing that came of it. Being trapped inside all day as I was, what else could I do… but listen to the SBS?"_

The snail's face split into a malicious grin.

" _Jeremiah Cross, I am here to affirm,_ completely, _your words about the Marines' corruption, and now that you have restored my life and the lives of my men, it is with great pleasure that I announce our collective resignations. If we ever meet, we are at the service of the Straw Hat Pirates. KA-LICK!"_

Gheilt hung up abruptly, and it took a moment for Cross to regain his bearings. And then… he _smiled._

"Hoo boy," Haruta winced sympathetically.

"That is the sign," Jozu huffed heavily. "Of the start of a _very_ bad day for the World Government."

" _That,"_ Cross smirked victoriously. " _Is what I would call a sign of today… being a_ very _good day. For aaaaaall sapient-kind."_

And so, over the next few hours, the SBS turned out several more shadowless, some anonymous, others undisguised. Tales such as a teenager talking about his parents being able to step into the sun for the first time in as long as he could remember, a pirate crew that swore out of newfound respect to the Straw Hats to live by their standards from then on, a few more Marines announcing their resignations to the world, and Margarita the maid calling in once more, with a party going on in the background that was just as rambunctious as the Straw Hats'… or, alternatively, the one that was being thrown by the Whitebeards themselves, and likely dozens of others the world over at that point.

In the end, it could be said that both statements, oceans apart, were ultimately played out to their logical extremes.

 **-o-**

A few hours later found me sighing as I stared over the Sunny's edge at the open sea; with the party done, our crew decently recovered, the World Government presumably licking its new wounds, and Skelter Bite ready to start forming as it needed to, there was no more reason to put off setting sail for the next adventure. And so I stood on the edge of the King of the Waves, gazing out unto the horizon… even as two of my closest comrades walked up to stand beside me.

"So, Cross," Nami started, leaning on her elbows as she observed the blue skies with a lazy grin. "What's coming up next on the agenda?"

"Heh," Zoro scoffed dismissively as he waved a hand in the air. "Should be obvious already, witch: Everywhere we go, there's a fight ready and waiting for us. Isn't that right, chatterbox?"

I snorted at that. "'Chatterbox', _that's_ a new one!"

" **More appropriate** _for me too~!"_ Soundbite singsang as Lassoo, who along with Funkfreed had apparently become his _second_ favorite mount on the crew sometime during the party, wandered behind us.

"But, ah, anyways…" I scratched my chin contemplatively. "To answer your questions… I'll admit, things are going to be a bit… _interesting_ going forwards."

Images started to flit through my mind, one after the other.

An octopus hanging in a cage, followed swiftly by the same cephalopod tearfully begging for forgiveness.

"Some matters will be a bit personal," I grimaced.

Chains and shackles and blood and misery and _**THEM.**_

My fingers dug into the railing as I bore a scowl. "Others will require a _hell_ of a lot of control."

An iron mask, daunting and furious, shattering to reveal _PFHAHAHAHA!_

I hunched forwards with a barely contained snicker. "There'll be some good times, that's for damn sure!"

And then… and then I sobered up as I thought of him. Thought of Kuma, and everything that had once followed him. "And then… and then there are some parts I'm really gonna need some help figuring out. Important things, that I just can't handle alone."

We stewed in silence after that, until I stood up straight and dusted my hands off with a victorious grin. "Ah, but _big fights,_ Zoro? Sorry, but we're plumb out!"

 _That_ got them staring at me incredulously.

"Wha—? _Seriously!?"_ Nami's mouth fell open in shock.

"You're kidding me," Zoro evaluated flatly.

"Eeeee _nope!"_ I popped the P proudly, swinging on my heels as I tugged on a pair of imaginary suspenders. "Thanks to _my_ careful planning and masterful investments, I've successfully wiped out what _should_ have been _the_ ultimate clusterfuck of the century, topping even our little ditty down at Enies Lobby! But now? Poof! As far as my own knowledge and _expert_ opinion is concerned, it's clear skies and smooth sailing from now on apart from one or two _iiiity_ bitty hiccups!" I splayed my hands proudly. "Aaall thanks to me! No money required, I accept payment in the form of everlasting adulation!"

I waited patiently for them to start said adulation… and was awarded with the two _bastards_ exchanging flat looks!

"We're sailing straight into calamity, aren't we?" Nami asked flatly.

"Big time," Zoro nodded with undeserved sagesse. "You go and get Merry to ready Sunny, I'll make sure everyone's at their battlestations."

"OI!" I waved my arms indignantly. "I'm standing _right here!"_

"Yes, you are," Nami gave me a half-lidded look. "You, who gave a seminar just yesterday about taunting fate, and who just waved the _mother of all red capes_ in fate's face."

"You. Complete. _Idiot,"_ Zoro summarized with a defeated sigh.

I opened my mouth to reply… and promptly spun on my heel and started marching down the deck. "GUNNERY MASTER CONIS! Start inspecting all weapons, doubletime! I want every rifle, pistol, cannon and other such peashooters ready to rumble at a moment's notice!"

"Aye-aye, sir!" Conis saluted instinctively, dashing over to the pavilion and disgorging the ship's arsenal, which she proceeded to inspect with a fine-toothed comb.

"SHIPWRIGHT FRANKY! SNIPER USOPP!" Zoro barked. "Whatever the hell you two were working on before the party started, doubletime it and get it finished _ON THE DOUBLE!"_

"AYE-AYE!" the two of them said hastily, diving below deck.

"CAPTAIN LUFFY!" Nami roared. "Spit that out, you don't know where it's been!"

"Awww…" Luffy groaned momentarily before spitting out Mikey's head, who waddled off with a shudder and mutters of 'BBQ sauce' and 'last time I ever'.

"Oh, Chef Sanji~!" Perona sing-sang as she stretched out in her lawnchair, which did _wonders_ for the moderately skimpy bikini she was sporting. "A platter of six Wake the Dead tequila shots, on the double please~!"

'RIGHT AWAY, MILADY!" The love cook swooned as he spun up and away into the kitchen.

"PERONA!" I snapped my finger up firmly…

 _CLANG!_

Before all but _Shaving_ across the deck and cuffing the pasty bitch's wrist to her chair with the pair of Sea Prism Stone cuffs I kept in my bag.

" _WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?"_ I roared at the top of my lungs, drawing the attention of anyone who _hadn't_ been watching us before now.

"Uh… Sunbathing? _Obviously,"_ she responded calmly, though there was an audible bit of venom, probably due to the cuffs. "What, do you think I decided to show this much skin for _your_ benefit or something?"

" _Not_ what I asked, Ghost _Princess,"_ I spat, enough venom in my voice to put down a cobra.

"Looks like we missed one after all," Lassoo growled, his hackles raised in preparation to maul.

"Apparently so," Su said, her calm tone seemingly betrayed by the way her tail was swishing over our arsenal. "Well, there's only one thing to do now."

"Absolutely," Vivi agreed, before _turning towards me!?_ "Cross, start talking."

"THIS IS NOT— _grgh, Scramble!"_ I paused momentarily to snap a glare at Soundbite, and then I nodded gratefully when the buzzing started and Perona blinked in confusion. "Thanks, now where was—? Oh, right, _NOT_ _REMOTELY_ MY FAULT!" I continued to roar irately, this time pointing at the snail. " _HE_ said she was gone, so I thought that either she left with Moria or Kuma blew her away!"

"What?!" Sanji suddenly appeared at my side, a scowl on his face and a platter of shot glasses in his hand. "You were going to leave this sweet young lady to die to another Warlord?"

"NO! Not that kind of… ugh." I ran a hand down my face in exasperation. "Alright, ignoring the 'sweet young lady' bit, I glossed over one other aspect of the Paw-Paw Fruit's power because it wasn't relevant at the time: one of the most creative usages Kuma has for it is pushing _himself_ from place to place, giving the appearance of teleportation."

Sanji simmered down as he understood. "And… he can do it to other people too?"

I nodded, keeping my expression carefully neutral. "That and then some; as far as I can tell, he touches you, and the next thing you know you're waking up three days later on an island you've probably never been to before. His range is _insane,_ spans the Blues themselves… but the bastard's wind up is to ask the victim where they'd like to go for 'vacation' before sending them off to some place that fits the bill."

"…So… he's not a bad guy?" Luffy asked with a frown.

"Eh," I waved my hand in a so-so manner. "I'd more compare him to Mihawk: not a lot of conscience, but not a lot of inclination to hurt innocent people, and fair to those who have earned his respect. Force of nature made humanoid and all that."

"Sounds about right," Zoro muttered before refocusing on me. "But we're getting off track. Whatever was supposed to happen didn't, and she's here now. And that really does automatically make it Cross' fault."

I stammered indignantly as all attention turned back to me, and I scrambled for something to say… and an answer came to me.

"Hey, even if _I_ didn't know she'd be here, there are still some people here who have no excuse!" I swung an accusatory finger at my partner. "Soundbite, how did you not hear her!?"

"Because I took precautions," Perona answered.

We jumped in surprise, and then we turned our eyes towards Soundbite, who was looking similarly surprised.

"I HAD THE _**scramble UP!"**_

"Not on my hollows," Perona said dryly, gesturing to a trio of ghosts hovering above us, the sea prism stone cuffs on the ground beside her. "And don't bother trying; I ruled out your powers as being able to affect them a long time ago. And before you ask about the cuffs…" She gestured to her pigtails. "You only got _one_ of my hands, dumbass. Any woman pirate who doesn't know keep a hairpin on their person at all times and know how to use it is not only not a pirate, but criminally ignorant to boot."

"She has a point," most of the females of our crew admitted, while the remaining three turned towards Nami with pleading eyes.

"Later," our navigator sighed tiredly. Then she did a double take. "Wait a—! You don't even _have_ hair, Raphey!"

"But I have _pride!"_ Raphey vowed tearfully.

" _Anyways!"_ Perona drew attention back to her with an impatient snap. "As I was _saying…_ I took precautions; I snuck into your ship's hold while you were all unconscious, and then, to make sure it was completely silent, and trailed behind you in my astral form. My body halts all functions when my soul leaves it, so there was nothing for the snail to hear; no heartbeat, no breathing, just a corpse until I returned. Then, when we were far enough out to sea that you couldn't turn back, I came back, came out here, and _tried_ to properly enjoy the first truly beautiful day I've had in over a decade…" she shot me a scathing glare. "Before _you_ decided to so _rudely_ interrupt it."

"Lady," Boss snorted as he slowly cracked his neck side to side. "If that's the _worst_ thing that happens to you today, after all you've _done?_ Then you can count yourself _lucky."_

Credit to the goth where it was due, if her one-birdie response was anything to go by, she was either stupidly brave or bravely stupid in the face of Boss's implied wrath.

"…OK, so Soundbite has a good excuse… but what about _you?"_ I demanded, pointing at our resident shipgirl. "Why didn't you hear from Sunny right away that we had someone else onboard?"

Merry opened her mouth—

 _Mrrrrrr…_

Only for Sunny to cut in with a soft growl. Merry's eyes widened as her mouth closed.

"…What exactly was that?" Perona asked nervously.

"Aye'd ask if you've nevah been on a ghost ship befoah, but that's an obvious question…" Carue muttered.

"What did he say, sis?" Franky asked.

"He, uh… said…" Merry hemmed and hawed uncertainly before drawing her hood down over her eyes with a self-conscious moan. "That he was following my example…"

"Huh?" was the collective response… until Robin pointedly cleared her throat.

"I believe you're referring to me?" she asked lightly.

Merry nodded miserably. "The last time a surviving member of a criminal group stowed away… she became a beloved crewmate."

…Well, even _I_ couldn't say anything against that. But apparently Perona could.

"Oh, please, I have no interest in joining your band of lucky rookies," she waved her hand with a snooty sniff. "I'm only here because I don't have anywhere else to go, and because you wrecked the only home I've known for years now, _you all_ get to take responsibility!"

Dead silence, _fiiiilled_ with dread.

Perona glanced around in confusion. "What? What is it?"

"That's _exactly_ what Robin said," deadpanned most of those who had been present for her recruiting, with the archaeologist herself chuckling and blushing quite a bit.

Perona's eye twitched, and she mumbled something beneath her breath. I didn't need Soundbite's help to catch the words, 'knew I'd regret this,' before she huffed and folded her arms proudly. "Alright, let me make it clear what I want!" the ghost princess announced in a haughty tone. "Since you uncute but badass bastards seem to be able to get through anything, I want to hitch a ride on your ship until I can find another island where I'd be happy living, and where the Marines _can't_ get to me! That's! It! After that, no more piracy! I only ever did it because Moria asked me to, and _that_ blew up in my face spectacularly! As of this moment, I am a guest on your ship and _nothing more!_ Happy?"

Our reactions were wide and varied, but most prominent of all were Sanji's "MOST DEFINITELY!", Vivi's "Not a chance in—!", Usopp's "THE POWER OF SOGEKING COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF SOGEKING COMPELS YOU!"…

And of course, the _crowner_ of them all… Luffy's "Meh, sure."

 _That_ drew a chorus of defeated groans from all of us, and a bout of preening from Perona.

"Glad even a dumbass like you can see reason!" she nodded contentedly, even going so far as to give us all a bastardized curtsy as she remained in her supine position. "I am in your care. Please, take _good_ care of me." I swear, _butter_ wouldn't have melted in that frigid bitch's _anywhere_ at that moment.

"Well, this isn't a cruise ship, honey," Nami cut in, her fierce growl in stark contrast to her completely pleasant demeanor. "If you want passage, you're going to have to work like the rest of the crew."

Perona's response was to glance at our second mate out of the corner of her eye before withdrawing a file from somewhere and beginning to buff her nails. "Did I mention I offloaded Moria's treasure room into this ship's hold while I was leaving? Because I did that. I think it was worth around, oh… 300 million beris?" She drew the file away and started examining her nails. "I don't really need it, so call it a payment for the passage."

"I _knew_ it didn't make any sense for Moria to not have _any_ treasure, stupid, _stupid,_ " Donny muttered as he rapped his forehead against his staff, his fellow disciples nodding in defeated agreement.

"Like I said, Sanji, get our passenger those shots she requested," Nami swiftly replied, her expression shifting not an iota.

"Of course, Nami-swan~!"

"That happened with Robin, too," I observed blandly, taking my well-deserved staticky dopeslap on the chin. "And now that I think about it, aren't you supposed to be some kind of a perky goth chick? And don't the goth avoid the sun like _acid?"_

"Uh, yeah, no duh?" Perona snorted as she squeezed a glob of tanning gunk into her hand. "That's the whole point. Thanks to you getting Moria running and Hogback landing in the Marine's hands, they're going to be after me and Absalom's asses as soon as they can squeeze our descriptions from that fat sack of sweat and slime. And when they start looking, they'll be looking for a pale, pasty goth…" The Ghost Princess's grin widened as she liberally applied the oil to herself. "And _not_ a tanned beach bunny."

"…OK, credit where it's due: that's actually smart." I reluctantly admitted.

"Trickster crew, bigmouth," Perona giggled as she dabbed a stripe of sun- _screen_ down her nose, "I might be a brat, but I'm definitely a brat with a brain."

I took that in, along with everything else… and what I had seen of her before. She was an outright _ally_ last time I saw her, and though I had apparently butterflied that chain of events away, it wasn't unsalvageable. Far from it. For the time being…

"Alright," I said, turning to face everyone else, the look on my face doing enough to reassure them. "I think we can trust her for now; Moria, Hogback, and Absalom may have been incorrigible, but she isn't. Even if she doesn't join us, I'll be happier knowing where she is rather than playing a guessing game. Agreed?"

I took the unsatisfied but relatively affirmative rounds of grumbling I got with a nod. "Close enough. Alright, freak show's over everyone." I swung my arms out. "Dismissed."

And with that, everyone trickled off to return to whatever it was they'd been doing before, though this time around with a _lot_ more sidelong glares in a certain sunbather's direction.

And that was _almost_ that… except that before Nami could leave, Perona sat up. "Oh, say, hang on a sec," she requested hastily. "Thanks to you guys' demolition derby through the manor, a lot of my wardrobe got wrecked and I couldn't grab much in way of changes of clothes. You look like you're my size, mind if we share?"

"Vivi and Robin all over again…" Nami grumbled as she glanced skywards before nodding reluctantly. "Fine, you can borrow some clothes until the next town we reach, but that's it!" She then jabbed her hand at the Ghost Princess. "And no borrowing my jewelry!"

Perona pouted petulantly. "Awww, seriously?" She pointed at Nami's wrist. "Not even that chic bangle you've got there? It looks really—!"

 **ZAP!**

"GAH!" Perona flinched when a bolt of lightning seared the corner of her chair.

" _ESPECIALLY_ not this," Nami intoned darkly, her Eisen Tempo crackling ominously. "Touch it, and you'll spend this trip tied to the _prow."_

Perona snapped her hands up in surrender. "OK, OK, no touch, got it!" The second Nami turned her back in a huff, she allowed herself to relax with a scowl. "Greedy _bitch…"_

I blinked in surprise as I followed Nami, honestly taken aback at how steamed she was. "Well, that was new. You've certainly never threatened _us_ like that before… I take it that _that,"_ I pointed at the hoop of gold. "Isn't a typical part of the hoard."

Nami stopped short in her tracks, blinking at me in surprise. "Everything you know, and you don't know what this means to me?"

"I told you before, I'll tell you again: I'm well-informed _,_ not omniscient," I reiterated with a roll of my eyes. "Seriously, what's so important about it?"

"Eh…" Nami hesitated slightly before shrugging dismissively. "In all honesty, not much…" A grin grew on Nami's face as she caressed the bangle lightly. "And at the same time, everything."

Nami looked up and smiled brightly at me.

"Nojiko gave it to me, before I left. She said she wanted me to have a way to always remember the East Blue. Sweet, huh?"

 **Xomniac AN: Break out the climbing gear, fellas, we done gone and done it again.**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Our apologies in advance, loyal fans, but the next chapter may be a while; now that the Thriller Bark arc is finished, we have no excuse left not to plan out the final saga of the first half. We already have the basics, of course… but when it gets started, it's going to be a continuous chain of whams, and we need to do it right.**

 **Patient AN: There's also the fact that I'm in the midst of job-searching and Superego is in the midst of a week-long family reunion.**


	60. Chapter 53 - Little East Blue Pt 1

**Chapter 53**

 **Cross-Brain AN: The following arc shall be a unique one: As the Straw Hats enjoy themselves a blissful little bit of shore leave in this mini-saga, so too shall you readers enjoy a break… from Cross! Hit it!**

"Hammer."

Tool pressed into his hand, Usopp slipped his goggles down, kneeled in the grass of the Thousand Sunny's pavilion, and carefully maneuvered the hammer to _just_ the right spot. He hoped. Sea prism stone, for all its hardness and the fact that it was a metal, was _very_ brittle fresh from cooling down from forge temperatures. He and Franky, who was watching closely behind him, had found _that_ out the hard way, and neither was very eager to wait for _another_ island where they could heat a forge hot enough to melt the stuff.

Finally locating the spot, he raised the hammer and brought it down, the clay covering the hook cracking and flaking off. Underneath, the stone was pristine, and Usopp breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, looks good," he reported, straightening up as he wiped his forehead. "Even if the heating function doesn't work, Boss'll be able to brain people just fine."

"It'll _super_ work," Franky stated with all the certainty of most conspiracy theorists. Taking the hook, he slotted a Dial into an open crevice, clicked a panel into place, and tapped it on the anvil, a telltale heat haze rising seconds later. "See?"

Usopp whooped victoriously and pumped his fist. "Finally! Man, this was taking _forever!"_ The tinker-sniper grinned eagerly as he wrung his hands. "The next ones should be _super_ easy now!"

"Don't steal my line, long nose," Franky chuckled in warning, absentmindedly reaching for their cache of weapons. His hands closed on air and sackcloth, and he glanced over at the limp, sad, empty sack. "Hey, Usopp, where _are_ the next ones?"

"Huh?" Usopp glanced over at the bag before snapping his fingers. "Oh, yeah, I decided to wait on getting those because of how tricky I thought it would be to make the materials cooperate."

"Well, you were right, but we've got it now. So, where's—aha!" Franky exclaimed, leaning out of the pavilion and pointing upward.

Usopp followed his finger to the sleeping form of Cross, lying on a few ropes tied between two of Sunny's lines. He frowned. "Hey, Franky, did you consider putting some hammocks on Sunny's masts during the design process?"

"Nope," Franky replied. "But I'm not surprised Cross improvised one anyway. Honestly, I'm amazed that the whole thing hasn't come undone yet."

"And… for curiosity's sake, where's the control panel for those lines?"

A grin slowly came over Franky's face as he jabbed a thumb at a nearby section of paneling. "From what I've managed to get out of Merry's modifications? Third panel from the right, right over there," he said, voice brimming with anticipation.

Usopp nodded, and then eyed Cross snoozing contentedly in his makeshift hammock. He looked back at the hidden controls for the Sunny's lines, and then at the tactician again, an evil grin growing on his face, joined by an equally evil glint in his eyes and a silent thumbs-up from Franky. Creeping up to the controls, he took a few seconds to examine them and then rapped his knuckles against the panel.

To Usopp's alarm—and a little amusement—Cross was _not_ flipped onto the deck by the lines suddenly unraveling as he'd planned. What _did_ happen was arguably even better: a pulley came falling out of the sky and did verily smack him right on the forehead. Letting out a cry of pain, Cross clutched his forehead and immediately flailed himself out of his resting place and onto the deck with a meaty thump.

"Sonnuva—what the hell, Merry!?" he yelped, clutching his forehead.

"NOT IT!" Merry called out from the helm, more amusement than offense in her voice.

"Sorry, Cross!" Usopp called back as he vaulted out of the pavilion, hiding the urge to snicker. "That was me! I was just trying to get the ropes to flip you onto the lawn!"

"Same question!"

"Fastest way to wake you up, and it would have been a soft landing, plus it was going to be, and still was, funny," was the shameless answer. "And now that you're up, I just finished confirming that sea prism stone doesn't interfere with Dials, so I need to borrow your hat and armor so I can upgrade them."

Cross blinked, and then he flipped himself into a sitting position, his annoyance and frustration visibly gone. "Sea prism stone upgrades? That's what you were working on?" he asked.

"What the heck did you expect after that fiasco on Thriller Bark?" Franky replied, slipping his fist's skin off and displaying his new (literal) brass knuckles. "If we had some of this on hand when Moria woke up, it wouldn't have been half the nightmare it was. I doubt that's the last time we'll get blindsided, but thanks to the Accinos and Enies, it _is_ the last time we'll be completely unprepared. Any Ability-user that messes with us in the future is gonna be in for a _nasty_ surprise."

"And so will you unless you can explain why you didn't think to consult anyone else about this."

The trio turned to Zoro, who was climbing down the mast, his usual scowl even more pronounced than normal. "I was willing to go with the salt paste because it was a one-time thing and easy to get off. But I'm not going to lace my swords with—"

"Oh, give it a rest, Zoro, we all know how much of a purist you are," Cross stated flatly, waving away the objections.

"And we took that into account," Usopp added, tossing some bottle cap-like objects at the swordsman, who caught them reflexively. "We designed caps to go on the bottom of your hilts. They're not touching the blades, so no problem there, right?"

Zoro looked from the caps to his swords and then to Usopp. Eventually, he nodded in acceptance.

"I'll need to think about practicing pommel strikes…" he muttered. "Haven't done those in ages…" With that, he stalked off, probably to start training. With his back turned towards them, Usopp visibly relaxed.

"Whew… thank goodness that worked, I saw my life flash before my eyes…" Usopp sighed in relief, before turning his eyes to the third mate. "So, Cross?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll get them to you in a second," he groused, knocking on the mast to bring down a rope. "And for the record? _Watch your head."_

Usopp swallowed nervously as the tactician shot up and out of sight before glancing around. "A-Alright, now, where's Nami?"

"Right here," Nami called, emerging from the back of the ship and walking towards him. "What do you need?"

"I need to borrow your Clima-Tact to refit it with sea prism stone."

Nami blinked, glancing at her staff, then back at Usopp. "Not gonna question it, I'll just roll with the good fortune. How long will it take?"

"Two hours to fit the entire staff, or one if I just do the orbs or the rods."

"Just go for the orbs, then," Nami said, handing over the staff. "I'd rather not have it out of reach for longer than I need to, and we're better off leaving some space so that if someone other than me needs to grab it, they don't get conked out."

"Ditto there!"

 _CLANG!_

"GAH!" Usopp yelped, his heart rate spiking as a mass of armor sailed inches above his head. He immediately turned on Cross as the third mate rode a line back down to the deck, his limbs wrapped in bandages. "What was that for!?"

"Oh, lighten up, it was _funny!"_ the transdimensional traveler said in a god-awful imitation of Usopp's own voice. "But, ah, in all seriousness, I'm with Nami. I'd prefer it if Chopper could actually touch me while he put me back together."

"And if we didn't conk right out whenever he grabbed us, that'd be _great,"_ Lassoo added from where he was snoozing in the sun.

"Don't worry, I'll just give him Sea-Stone knuckles along with a few traces on the inside for reinforcement," Usopp assured them. "They won't be anywhere near you."

"Then in that case, do your best!" Funkfreed chimed in.

Light glinted off of Franky's teeth as he flashed them all a thumbs-up. "You can _super!_ count on us!"

"Well, while we're counting on them…" Cross mused thoughtfully, shooting an eager grin at his larger partners. "You guys wanna touch up on me dual-wielding you? It'd be nice to get some input on how to coordinate using the two of you at the same time!… Y'know, outside of pitched combat."

"Wha— _Seriously!?"_ Lassoo barked eagerly, scrambling to his paws and loping up to his wielder with an eager whoof, nearly bowling Cross over in his slobbering enthusiasm. "Hells yes! Let's see some action!"

" _ **WATCH IT, ODIE!"**_ Soundbite gagged as he snapped into his shell. "I CAN TAKE SOME FOREIGN SLIME, _NOT A FLOOD!"_

"Gah! Alright, alright, down boy!" Cross laughed, holding the dog away by his chest. Once he had some breathing room, he eyed the dog with an appreciative whistle. "Eesh, boy, watch it, you almost flattened me! Seriously, have you put on weight or something?"

"The better to blast them with!" Lassoo crowed, fangs flashing.

"He's got a point there!" Funkfreed said as he used his trunk to haul his fellow weapon off. "But, ah, first, before we get into it, _maybe_ we should talk a little first so that we can hash things out?"

"Ah… eheh, right…" Lassoo smiled sheepishly, one hind leg going up to scratch at his ear. "Fair 'nuff…"

"LET'S GET TO IT!" Soundbite commanded.

And with that, the quartet moved to a corner of the deck and started to talk.

Franky, meanwhile, had gone back into the pavilion, and as Cross and his partners went to work he'd hauled a large bag out and dropped it on the lawn. "Alright, that's all the Dial-based weapons except for Conis's—"

"And I've already got enough non-Dial weapons of hers outfitted, along with some ammo that I'll be splitting with her," Usopp finished, digging through the bag and handing out the appropriate equipment to everyone as they passed by. "For everyone else, we've got a new pipe for Luffy with the ends reinforced—!"

"WOOHOO!" Luffy whooped as he swung by and snatched the pipe out of Usopp's hand. The marksman, to his credit, didn't miss a beat.

"—two pairs of detachable soles for Sanji, four scalpels for Chopper, a butterfly knife for Robin—and I still say it's freaky how good she is with those things, former assassin or not."

"Well, I _am_ from the West Blue," Robin chuckled, spinning the blade through her fingers with terrifying expertise. "And… 'former,' hmm? Cute."

Usopp gulped audibly, tugging at his collar. "R-Right… anyway, the blades for Vivi and Carue's weapons have been tempered, along with Raphey's shuriken and sai, and we've reinforced Mikey's nunchucks and Donny's staff. With all that, we don't have a lot of sea prism stone left unless we wanna cut into the half-dozen pairs of cuffs we have left—"

"Hell to pay if you do!" Cross called over.

"Noted!" Franky shouted back before cocking an eyebrow at his partner-in-forge. "So what else do we need and can we pull it off with what we have left?"

"Uh, let's see…" Usopp muttered. "A few of Donny's Kunai if we can manage it… and we still need something for Brook and Merry. Brook is easy enough, we can just reinforce his sheath, but what about Merry?"

"Easy enough! But first!"

 _CLONK!_

"OW!" Usopp yelped as the ship's helmsgirl dropped out of the rigging and bounced off his head.

"Leggo my Big Bro! _Got it?!"_ she ordered, puffing out her cheeks with an adorable scowl on her face. "It was funny that time, but you could have done something really dangerous! Or stupid! Or stupidly dangerous or dangerously stupid!"

"Noted…" Usopp groaned as he poked at the growing lump rising from his scalp. "Anyway… you were saying?"

"Oh, right!" Merry brightened up. "Yeah, it's easy: just make some sheaths or casings or something for some hooks and pulleys. One or two oughta do, and then I can let Big Bro do the rest!"

Usopp and Franky exchanged looks, then turned back at her. "And what about if you're not on the ship?" the marksman asked.

Merry's expression fell flat, and she cast a pointed glance to the side. "Then _someone_ screwed up, and _someone_ is going to get their ass kicked."

"Love you too, Merry," Cross called back, rolling his eyes at the not-so-subtle warning. "And fair warning, you two? Brook should be indisposed right now, so you'll have to fetch his blade yourselves."

"Indisposed? Doing wha—? OK, stupid question, not like anyone's doing much else today," Franky said. "What kind of training is he doing, then?"

"Eh… well, you already know that Brook was in the Florian Triangle for fifty years before we met him," Cross began, grimacing. "But in all that time, he never tried exploring the limits of the Revive-Revive Fruit. Coming back from the dead granted him a few powers that he hasn't explored, and once he unlocks them he's going to get a major boost in abilities. But it all depends on him getting back to the basics of his power first."

"Aaaand… he's doing that _how,_ exactly?" Merry slowly queried.

Cross's grimace deepened, and he glanced to the side and scratched his cheek. "Weeeell…"

 **-o-**

"I am experiencing _many_ conflicted feelings at the moment…"

Brook shivered, shaking the bag he was trussed up in as he uneasily eye-socketed the barrel of water sitting under him.

"Trust me, this isn't my idea of fun either," Chopper groused, furiously scribbling his stream of thoughts into a notebook. "But, as uncomfortable as this idea might be, I can't fault Cross's logic. So unless you'd rather go for meditation or something like that—?"

"Grk!" Brook's jaw set uncomfortably, teeth clicking. "My, ah, m-my mind is not exactly the kind of place I would like to willingly delve into, no thank you."

"Then this is the best option we have to get the best results in the shortest amount of time… no matter how much I might not like it…" Chopper sighed in conclusion.

"Not exactly having a fun time here either, ya know!" Donny piped up, gritting his teeth as he shifted his grip on the rope that was keeping Brook suspended above the barrel of seawater. "And why is it that you picked _me_ for this, anyway? Half the crew, _including_ all of my bros outrank me in muscle, and Merry, Robin, and even _Luffy_ outrank me on Devil Fruit knowledge on top of that, and none of them were busy last time I checked!"

"Simple, Donny," Chopper stated, locking eyes with the dugong. "Effective five minutes ago, you're my assistant."

Donny's brain froze up, unable to process the reindeer's statement. He just managed to catch himself before he let Brook's rope slip, but he was still left staring blankly at Chopper with his mouth slightly open until the doctor elaborated.

"The crew is taking too many and too serious injuries for me to handle on my own anymore, and while Merry has the skills to help me, she's got muscle memory but not much else," Chopper answered, not looking up from his note-taking. "She'll do for first aid, and nursing with a little training, but I need someone else for a more permanent position, and until further notice that's going to be you, unless you're going to tell me that you don't want it."

Donny blinked several times as he thought it over. He was always the smart one among his siblings, and often was the one who told them how to patch up their injuries with the local remedies back in Alabasta. All things considered, he wasn't really opposed to the idea of standing by Chopper, and he was reasonably sure that Boss would allow it (however grudgingly) It was still a big a decision to make, though, and he frowned in contemplation as he weighed the pros and cons.

"And before you ask if you can have more time to think it over, know that I very nearly defaulted to pinning you with a needle of paralytics before dragging you up here; _you do not want to live with me if I need to spend a week in sedated sleep again,"_ Chopper added.

Donny snapped his flipper into a salute. "I accept this position with— _GYAH!"_ he yelped as his one-handed grip on the rope promptly slipped and he was awarded with a painful rope burn. Immediately, he scrambled to get the rope back under control, earning more rope burns in the process.

"ACK! CAREFUL, CAREFUL!" Brook cried as he jerked downwards and swung precariously over the watery coffin.

"Watch it, we need to be careful about how we do this!" Chopper chastised his newly chosen apprentice.

"And what exactly _is_ 'this'?" came another voice.

The trio all turned their attention to a corner of the quarterdeck, where a previously sun tanning Perona had lifted her sunglasses onto her forehead and was regarding them with a cocked eyebrow.

Chopper and Donny exchanged uncertain looks, silently considering how much information they could or should divulge, only for the choice to be taken from their hands when Brook spoke up.

"Per Cross's advice, I am attempting to explore the capabilities of my Devil Fruit powers," he casually explained.

Both hybrids looked at the skeleton in askance, to which he responded with a light shrug, inasmuch as he could manage in his sack. "She's a young girl who had no active part in either parts of my torment, I see no reason for a grudge or secrecy." He then turned back to Perona. "You see, as you've no doubt already guessed, I am as I am thanks to my Devil Fruit: the Revive-Revive Fruit, which, upon my first death, allowed my soul to return to the mortal coil and repossess my fallen body… if in a degraded state."

Perona blinked in legitimate surprise. "…Wow. Somehow, I'm actually still surprised by just how BS Devil Fruits can be," she deadpanned. "But how is dunking you in the water supposed to help you get a better grip on your powers? I don't need to why that doesn't make sense, I hope."

"Simply put, I'm returning to my power's roots," Brook explained. "As you'll recall, I said I returned to this world as a soul and then repossessed my body. According to Cross, this possession was _not_ permanent, and I am fully capable of returning to my astral state, which could be useful for a variety of reasons. Most of all, disassociating myself from my body and ignoring such limitations as pain or injury to my corporeal form, which should rightly have no effect on me so long as I acknowledge that my skeleton is a mere shell. A convenient and dear shell, but _just_ a shell. However…"

Brook's jaw twisted into as much of a grimace as it could manage. "Returning to my astral form is not as easy as it would sound. It has been fifty years since I returned from the afterlife, fifty years since I regained my body…"

Perona's expression fell into a deadpan. "And… you forgot how."

"Less that I forgot, more that I never knew that I could return to my soul state in the first place, in addition to not thinking there was any advantage to such a 'devolution', as I initially viewed it," Brook shrugged.

"Hence, this undertaking," Chopper spoke up, tapping the barrel. "Cross suggested this as an alternative to long hours of meditation, and as much as I don't like it, I agree with the train of thought: By slowly dunking Brook into the water, his instincts as a Devil Fruit user will make him desperate to escape, but his restraints will leave him only one possible means of doing so. In essence, we're going to be scaring him from… his… body…" Suddenly, Chopper turned his full attention to the ship's guest. "Unless you have any better ideas?"

The self-titled Ghost Princess snorted derisively as she flicked her sunglasses back down and leaned back into her chair, snapping her reflector board open. "None I'm going to share with _you_ , furball."

"What!?" the doctor yelped in honest shock. "But we just—!"

"Lemme take a flying guess at her next words," Donny interrupted as he affixed the stowaway with a cold glare. "'Pirate', right?"

"You really struck gold with blubber-butt, Doc Hatchet," Perona sang, a smirk clear despite the reflector in the way. "He's already smarter than you."

Chopper glared at her for a second longer before snapping his head away with a harsh click of his tongue. "We're beginning the experiment. Donny, lower him in. Just a half-foot, we'll start easy."

"Aye," the purple-marked Dugong nodded, loosening his grip and slowly allowing his rope to slip through his flippers. Brook tensed as he lowered closer to the barrel. Water soaked into the fabric, and then through, engulfing his bony feet and prompting him to squirm.

"Anything?" Chopper called up with no small amount of concern.

"Ah…" Brook flinched uneasily as he shifted about. "A bit uncomfortable, and I'm trying my best to… to go _up,_ as it were, but, well…"

"If you want to stop—"

"No, no, I can continue," Brook assured him.

"Alright then…" Chopper nodded slowly before glancing at his assistant. "Donny, another half-!"

"For the sake of my being able to relax without your _pathetic_ whimpering, let me give you some advice."

"Wha— _GAH!"_ Chopper yelped when a foot was suddenly planted in his back, sending him sprawling him to the ground to be swiftly pinned.

Perona sniffed haughtily as she ground her heel into the Zoan's spine, casting a dispassionate glare at the skeleton. "The key to separation? You just need to _let go,_ numbskull _._ And on that note…" An unearthly cackling aura suddenly bloomed in her palm. "Good luck because you're gonna need it. NEGATIVE HOLLOW!"

It would be untrue to say that Donny didn't have the reflexes to dodge out of the way of the speeding specter. However, the fact that he was holding a rope that was keeping his crewmate out of hot water—or water, period, as it were—caused him to hesitate for a moment. And that moment was all the time he had.

Donny moaned and fell to his 'knees' as the specter passed through him. "I wish someone would just cook me into a—!"

 _SPLASH!_

"GAH!" Water splashed onto Donny's body, knocking him out of his depression with a flash of horror. "BROOK!" Donny cried, staring in horror at the water sloshing from the barrel.

"BROOK, NO!" Chopper yelled, snapping into his Heavy Point—which was actually unnecessary as Perona had already stepped back as soon as she'd cast out her Negative Hollow—rushing over to the barrel and plunging his hand into the water, in spite of how it took a good chunk from his stamina. "Shit-shit-shit-shit—!"

"Hurry, Chopper! You have to get me out before I drown!" Brook pleaded desperately as he hovered over Chopper's shoulder.

"I'm trying, I'm trying!"

"Please, I can't hold my breath!"

"You don't have any breath to hold, numbskull. More than usual, even," Perona deadpanned, casting a dispassionate glare over her reflector.

"Eh?" Brook blinked in confusion, turning to stare at the Ghost Princess. "What are… you…?" He blinked again (even though he lacked eyelids), and turned back to his crewmates, who were staring at him in shock. "Ah… why are you looking at me like that?"

Chopper, devoid of words as he was, could only weakly point his finger into the barrel.

Tilting his head in confusion, Brook followed the Zoan's finger and stared into the water. Beneath the water's surface, a skeleton was slumped lifelessly. And reflected _in_ the water's surface was—!

"AH! A ghost!" Brook recoiled with a shriek of terror. Then, just as swiftly, he calmed down as realization struck him. "Oh, wait, that's me. AH! I'm dead! Oh, wait, that's not new… OH! A cute woman!" The spectral pirate grinned eagerly at Perona. "Say, could you show me your—?"

"Could someone give Grampa his body back before he goes _completely_ senile?" Perona demanded impatiently.

"But… isn't his brain _already_ dead?" Donny questioned weakly.

"Yohohoho! That was funny! I think I'll call it a Skull Joke!" Brook chortled before jerking back in shock. "AH! A talking animal! Oh, wait, you're my crewmate… AH! Where am—!?"

Moving fast, Chopper shot his fist into the barrel, yanked the skeleton's afro out and effectively slapped the spirit upside his astral head with his own skull.

Brook yelped in shock, his skull vibrating slightly, his mood quickly ratcheting down to a relieved sigh. "Ah… ack… wow… that was… hoo…" the newly re-undead skeleton sighed in relief. "Well, at least I'm back to normal."

"Uhh… For… a given measure of the term anyways…" Donny hedged uneasily.

"Huh? What are yoouu _WAAAAGH!"_ Brook's question devolved into a terrified shriek when he suddenly realized he was missing his body, and was in fact just a talking head in Chopper's shaky hands. "I'VE BEEN DECORPITATED!"

"And yet, much to my misery, you are still very much alive and still very _noisy,"_ Perona grumbled irritably. "Looks like loudmouth was right: You're just a soul, you don't need your body… well, you still do for now, until you manage to get ahold of yourself in astral form."

His breath back, Chopper slowly turned a wary but pleading look to the girl. "Do… could you _please_ tell us what just happened… _Ghost Princess?"_

Perona blinked at the usage of her title, but then leaned back in her chair with a careless wave of her hand. "Eh… it's no big deal, really. It's just that going astral can be _really_ disconcerting. Without your body, your mind gets set loose or something and you can lose track of yourself pretty fast. You just need to make sure you've got a good sense of self before you try, otherwise?" She shrugged carelessly. "You'll devolve into a will-o-the-wisp and scatter into dust on the aetherial wind."

Chopper and Donny both shuddered fearfully at the Goth's sheer nonchalance at some serious existential horror, but Brook… Brook's gaze, however expressionless, softened somewhat as he regarded the Hollow-girl. "Personal experience, I take it?"

Going by how Perona's body locked up in frigid fury, that was the wrong thing to say. "Get out. Of my light," she grit out through a scowl that had twisted her face, and a trio of cackling Negative Hollows slowly started to orbit around her hand. "Or I will make you idiots wish you were never even _conceived_ , let alone _born_."

For a moment, the trio stood stock still. As it turned out, that was a moment too long.

Perona snarled murderously, her eyes rolling up into blankness. " _ **You asked for it."**_

 **-o-**

From her position on the quarterdeck, Merry was well-positioned to both monitor the sea ahead and catch the first screams wafting up from the main deck below. Curious, she quickly confirmed that she could leave the helm at least briefly, and left the wheel to go poke her head over the railing.

She was thus just in time to see Donny, carrying a sloshing barrel of water, and Chopper, carrying Brook's _still-undead_ _head,_ run below her in a panic, all three screaming their, ah, heads off. The cackling, grinning specters heading after them answered the question forming in her mind before it was asked. She blinked a couple of times before sighing fondly and leaning against the stand holding the wheel up.

"This crew never ceases to amaze, do they, Big Bro?"

A soft purring vibrated beneath her fingers and feet, causing her smile to grow. She made to head back to the helm, only for a familiar sound to cause her to head significantly faster in the opposite direction.

" _Puru puru puru puru!_ **AW,** _ **dang it!"**_ Soundbite groused, his ringing drawing the ire of everyone else under the tree he and Cross were under. " _For once,_ THEIR TIMING— _Puru puru puru puru!—_ **bites."**

"Well, if you _really_ wanna split hairs, you're the only one who really needs to go," Lassoo snorted dismissively. "I've got an idea for a new attack I'd like to try out."

"I've… got one, too, actually," Funkfreed said tentatively. "And I think you'll like it, Cross."

"BLOW IT OUT YOUR TAILPIPE, _flea-bag, I've got something up my_ — _Puru puru puru puru!—shell too,_ _ **and you'll wanna hear it**_ **SEEING AS IT** — _Puru puru puru puru!—_ **INVOLVES YOU LUGS!** _ **THE SNAIL STAYS!"**_

The tactician glanced between his partners, visibly hesitating. "I… suppose I could skip _one_ call…?"

And _that_ was when Merry decided to intervene. "Orrrr you _could_ rely on someone else for a change!" she called down in a 'what an idiot' kind of tone.

The quartet all blinked and looked up at her in surprise. "Huh?" Cross questioned. "What are you—?"

"It's easy: Soundbite can shunt the call over to Brain and I'll handle them! If your input's critical, Soundbite can still hear me if he needs to. If not, no harm lost! Easy, right?"

"Hmm…" Merry watched as Cross visibly chewed on his cheek. After a moment of thought, he looked up at Merry. " _Anything_ well-and-truly critical—"

"Five alarm call-out, on the double!" Merry agreed, saluting. "…I'm being literal, I can trigger five alarms at once from the lounge."

"…eh, alright, fine then," Cross sighed, snapping his fingers. "Soundbite, can you—?"

"PATCHED THROUGH— _Puru puru—klack!—_ NOW, _TO BRAIN IN THE LOUNGE!_ _**HAVE FUN,**_ **GIVE 'EM HELL!"**

"Got it! See ya!" Merry said with a grin, giving them all a final wave before kicking open a trapdoor right below her and dropping into one of the many boltholes she'd installed in her Big Bro.

As Merry clambered through her personal passageway, she reveled in the sense of sheer exclusivity she always felt when she used them. The network stretched everywhere throughout the ship, but they were damn small; Chopper's antlers and the Dugongs' blubber meant that even they couldn't enter, leaving only the shipgirl and Su at the right size and physical capability to properly navigate them. It wasn't purely hers, true, but Merry could think of worse comrades to share her network with (She liked Robin well enough, loved her even, but if that woman's incessant patting of her head resulted in a _bald spot…_ ) than the cloud fox.

After a minute of travel, Merry emerged into the Aquarium Lounge. Once she confirmed that the room was indeed empty of any of her crewmates, and in fact of any living thing besides herself, Brain, and the large octopus lounging in an upturned helmet at the bottom of the tank, she sealed the room with a quick knock on the wall and loped up to the ringing chubby snail sitting on one of the tables.

She had just been reaching for the receiver when she paused and, after a moment of thought, adopted a devilish grin that she quickly banished in favor of her _cutest_ look possible. It was with this cute look that she clicked Brain's button. "You've reached Minnie's Maid Service Manor! How may I help you, Master?"

" _Bwuh—!? Er, ah, I-I-I am so sorry, I think I have the wrong number—!"_

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Merry burst out cackling at the poleaxed expression the snail was wearing by proxy. "Now I see why Cross does this so often, it's _hi-i-ilarious!_ MWAHAHAHAHA!"

Brain's gobsmacked look suddenly swapped to deadpan. " _And now you see why I wanted_ you _to be the first on the line instead of me."_

"HAHA—eh?" Merry's laughter cut off in a confused blink. "Wait, Tashigi? But if I didn't prank you, then who—?"

" _Ah, t-this is Lieu—geh, force of habit… Seaman First Class 'Ironfist' Fullbody. I, ah… I actually ran into your crew back in the East Blue. Do you… remember me?"_

Merry's grin creaked into wooden brittleness, and her fingernails started to dig into the table's veneer. "You mean do I remember the _raging asshole_ who tried to sink me on a whim in order to impress the bimbo he was carting around? Even though my crew didn't have a single bounty to its name at the time?" The shipgirl's grin started twitching murderously. "I think I might have a _vague_ recollection of you."

"… _I never thought I'd be_ un- _happy to be remembered,"_ Fullbody gulped audibly, glancing _very_ nervously to the side.

" _We'll discuss this_ later, Seaman," Lieutenant Junior-Grade Tashigi frigidly informed him. " _Alright, moving on from what was even less funny than I expected, Cottonmouth, is Ophiuchus there?"_

"Indisposed with training, along with Knucker and pretty much everyone else except Callie." Merry informed her. "I mean, I could get them if you need them, but—"

" _It… depends,"_ Tashigi said hesitantly. " _This is a status report for the most part, though there is one thing I'd like to get his input on if possible, just to see if he knows anything about it."_

"Priorities first, what may or may not need his know-how?" Merry inquired.

" _Ah, ahem! That's actually why I'm here!"_ Fullbody offered. " _As you'll recall, my superior, Captain 'Black Cage' Hina, wasn't available for the last meeting of the Masons that was convened. The reason for that, and the reason why I'm here now instead of her, is that at the moment, Captain Hina and the rest of the Black Cage Formation are on an assignment in the East Blue, investigating something rather…_ disturbing."

The shipgirl cocked her eyebrow. "In what way, exactly?"

" _Picowana Island,"_ the Seaman started solemnly. " _Up until, as near as we can estimate, a month ago, it was an uninhabited tropical island. No valuable resources, no notable native species, just jungle and not much else of interest. And then, a month ago, somebody or something_ destroyed _it."_

Merry couldn't help but swallow slightly, a sheen of cold sweat coming into being on the back of her neck. "…care to, ah, _clarify_ that statement a bit?"

" _The island itself is still there, if that's what you're asking, the physical rock has not been touched… but that's essentially_ all _that remains."_ Fullbody's gaze became somewhat haunted. " _It was… I'm honestly at a loss to describe it. The entire island, the whole of the jungle, was_ savaged. _Trees were uprooted, crushed, sliced to pieces, the animals were all ripped to shreds in every way imaginable, blood was_ everywhere, _and that was the_ conventional _damage. Some tracts of land were burnt to cinders, there were dozens of animal skeletons that looked like they'd been picked clean, and there were even several swamps of_ literal _poison bubbling away! The carnage, it was just…"_ Fullbody slowly shook his head. " _It was absolute in ways I've never seen before."_

"Holy hell…" Merry breathed softly.

" _We wanted to ask Cross if he knew anything about this,"_ Tashigi picked up, voice solemn. " _We know this isn't technically Mason business, but we—the Marines, that is—have no idea what caused or could have caused that kind of destruction, and we want to find it before it can do so again on another island or, God forbid, one that's actually inhabited."_

"No, I understand, and I'm sure Cross would too…" Merry slowly nodded before transitioning to a shake. "But… while I'll pass this on to Cross, I'm afraid he won't have anything to contribute."

Tashigi grimaced unhappily. " _You're sure about that?"_

Merry let out a slight 'bah' of apology. "Cross said our next destination was the Sabaody Archipelago, and that as far as he knows, we're not due for any more big fights for awhile. I'm pretty sure that if he knew anything about this, he'd have said. So, either this is something totally new or, more likely, it's something that came up outside of his Straw Hat-centric scope of knowledge. And if that really is the case…"

" _He'll have jack to tell us, right, right,"_ Tashigi nodded reluctantly before heaving a sigh. " _Damn, and I was just getting used to getting anything other than a few vague, unsatisfying answers out of him… bah!"_ She shook her head and nodded again, this time with determination blazing in her eyes. " _Whatever! We did fine without Cross in the past and we'll be fine now! We Marines have our pride too, you know!"_

" _Aye-aye, Lieutenant!"_ Fullbody concurred eagerly.

"You go, four-eyes!" Merry pumped her fist encouragingly.

Tashigi maintained her prideful expression for a minute or so. Then, she blinked in honest surprise. " _Wait… so… you're_ not _going to point out some eensy weensy flaw in my logic or jab another hole in my uniform and let all the air out of my renewed confidence and pride in my flag?"_

"Uhhh… nnnoooo?"

"… _I've gotta call while Cross is away more often, I don't think I've ever been on the line with you guys for so long without wanting to stab something before."_

Merry kept her smile in place even as she mentally pinned a note to tell Cross to _haul the hell back_ on his heckling of the Lieutenant, lest he earn himself a semi-justified shanking when next the two met in person.

" _Woo, I-I'm actually feeling quite good right now,"_ Tashigi breathed euphorically. " _Alright, what else were we gonna talk about?"_

" _Uh… general status update, ma'am?"_ Fullbody asked, a slight twitch in the corner of his mouth.

" _Ah, right, right!"_ Tashigi nodded confidently. " _Cottonmouth, do you want to get a pen and paper or…?"_

"Nah, 'sfine," Merry waved her off. "Robin's memory supersedes Vivi's, my mind's a steel trap."

" _Right, well, it's all basic stuff anyway. First off, Ox and Goat have both deployed men and supplies to Skelter Bite; Ox's have already landed thanks to their proximity and are greatly contributing to construction efforts as we speak, go giants, and we've made sure that Goat's men are aware of Marine patrol routes on the way, so weather permitting they should arrive within the next three weeks,"_ Tashigi summarized. " _According to Rabbit, Skelter Bite will be open for business in a little over a month. Nowhere near the peak it'll reach in a few years, but they'll certainly be able to accept patrons."_

"Sounds great!" Merry chirped happily. "Maybe we'll even be able to visit before we hit up Sabaody! What else?"

" _Next on the agenda… word from Navarone,"_ the lieutenant continued. " _Their first batch of recruits just shipped out for assignment. The majority will be bolstering bases up and down Paradise, no surprise there, but we did get lucky. Two dozen or so, all loyal to us, have been split between the West and South Blues. They'll work on getting us footholds in the Blues. It'll be awhile before we have anything as major as an actual base turned to us, but it's still a start."_

"This all sounds great!" Merry pumped her fist victoriously… before hesitantly lowering it as she caught sight of the dark look on Brain's face. "Or… not?"

" _No, no, that news is great, but the news that's coming up is notably less so,"_ Tashigi sighed grimly.

" _There have been rumors coming down from Marineford,"_ Fullbody pitched in. " _Bege's raid on Fort Lumose hamstrung our budget, to be certain, but apparently the higher ups are still finding funding from somewhere because they're amassing the money for an undertaking whose true form we can only guess at but whose bones are… already uncomfortable in nature."_

" _Have you ever heard of 'privateers', Merry?"_ Tashigi asked.

Merry's expression devolved into an offended scowl. "The _proper_ name for those salty bastards would be 'low-priced scum who dip their flags in _tar',_ thank you very much," she stated in a voice that would have given a yeti frostbite.

" _You pirates never cease to amaze with how much pride you take in being criminals,"_ Tashigi sighed, though her true feelings were clear in her light smile. But she was quick to sober up. " _Anyway. The reason I bring them up is that from what I hear, funds are being pooled to hire them. Now, mind you, the Marines have hired privateers in the past, to help bolster security in particularly rough waters, but this…"_ She shook her head uncertainly. " _I've never heard of the numbers that are being tossed around, and certainly never from Headquarters. We'll get back to you when we have something more concrete, but for now—"_

"Enemy movement on the horizon, most likely something Cross isn't aware of, got it," Merry confirmed. "I'll pass it along ASAP."

" _Well, that's everything really important on our end, what about you?"_ Fullbody asked. " _Anything on the Straw Hats' mobile stormfront that we should be aware of?"_

Merry opened her mouth to reply—

 _SMASH!_

—and only just managed to dodge biting her tongue off when the ship was suddenly rocked by a massive impact, followed swiftly by the sounds of a small-scale war erupting out on deck. The only reason she didn't go on full alert and instead skipped straight to exasperation was that amidst the sounds of battle she could hear the usual insults between the two usual suspects being bandied about, punctuated by the snide commentary of their new arrival.

"Well, I _was_ going to say that it's been business as usual lately, but it looks like Perona just decided to incite a riot or something. Other than that, no, nothing critical."

Brain's mouth opened with a look of panic, but it just as swiftly clamped shut as though someone had slapped a hand over his mouth, and his expression swapped to Tashigi's deadpan. " _Low-hanging fruit, Merry, and I'm not rising to it. Just make sure she's either out of the way when you dump her or decent if she stays, got it?"_

"Aye-aye, _mon ami!"_ Merry saluted in a chipper tone. "Cottonmouth, over and out!"

" _Pisces, same._ KA-LICK!" And with that, Brain gave her a final condescending glare before retreating into his shell with a defiant snore.

The ship-girl fondly rolled her eyes at the snail's grating personality before spinning on her heel and grinning eagerly as she rammed her fist into her palm.

And really, who could blame her for being enthusiastic?

It was time for her to bear witness to whatever new insanity her crew had fallen into! An endeavor she charged into with open glee.

 **-o-**

Robin watched the ongoing brawl between the crew's usual suspects with scarcely-hidden glee and amusement, her amusement especially intensified due to the addition of an unusual but not unwelcome element in the fight.

It was almost admirable, honestly: every other day, barring exceptional circumstances, Zoro and Sanji fell into brawls like clockwork, and every other day they somehow _always_ managed to keep their clashes as fresh as the first time she saw it. Truly, there was an _art_ to it.

Why, even their banter still managed to remain current and engaging for all those observing!

"What the hell were you thinking, you two-bit fry cook!? Tossing out my weights!? I'm gonna peel the flesh cleaner off your bones than you could ever hope!" Zoro roared.

"Go ahead and try, your slices are gonna be as rough and shoddy as they ever are!" Sanji scoffed with forced casualness. "And you should be _thanking_ me! Not only is it an honor for a seaweed-wrapped gorilla like yourself to give up your room for a cute and charming princess, but you needed to up your game anyways! You call these things weights? More like—!" Sanji hopped back, hefted a gong-sized ring of metal on his foot and flung it at the first mate. " _Paperweights!"_

Zoro ducked the impromptu discus with an infuriated snort. "If even one of these goes overboard, I'll replace it with your _corpse,_ you bastard!"

"Hey!"

 _That_ exclamation originated from the aforementioned 'unusual element', prompting Robin to switch over to where Mikey and Leo were dueling, Mikey having only just managed to dodge the ballistic weight.

"Watch it, I'm on your _side!"_ Mikey protested, finishing a good octave higher as he caught one of Leo's sabres in the chains of his nunchucks.

"Why _are_ you helping him anyways?" Leo questioned, entirely casual as he pressed down with enough strength to make his fellow disciple strain. "Pick up an interest in cooking or something?"

"Not by choice!" Mikey sobbed as he shoved the blade back and retaliated with a wide sweep of his clubs. "Bastard said that if he didn't find a sous chef, he'd cut down on how many mouths he had to feed and pick up some spare ingredients at the same time!"

Zoro paused in his slashes to grace first Mikey, and then Sanji with a flat look. "You really scraped the bottom of the barrel for a protégé," he dryly stated.

"Not a lot of options to work with, and in his defense, I wasn't _completely_ joking," Sanji grumbled.

"I can't tell either way, so like hell am I taking any chances! So do me a favor and lay down and die _before I get turned into lunch!"_ Mikey howled as he renewed his onslaught.

Robin's gaze slid away again, this time to the _last_ bit of entertainment: Raphey blocking an onslaught of punches from Boss, a look of intense concentration on her face much akin to Nami writing a map or Chopper with a medical mystery or Luffy trying to think at all.

"You sure I can't take a break to watch this?" she grunted, the question costing her a half inch of ground.

"You're the one who wanted to practice counters," Boss replied, his own concentration failing to waver. "If you want, we can do the Nori Arts training you also requested instead."

"On second thought, I love practicing counters!" Raphey hastily backpedalled. "In fact, I—yow!"

That last exclamation was due to one of Boss' punches finally slipping through and clocking the female dugong right on the snout. She flopped backward, clutching the injured body part as she let out a string of expletives, while Boss frowned in thought.

"Hmm, this isn't working as well as I thought," he mused to himself. "Take ten, Raphey. I'll try and think of a better training method."

"Yay…" the female martial artist bemoaned as she let herself go limp.

Robin chuckled at the exchange, reveling in the fact that she didn't have to hide her amusement anymore. Honestly, the only thing better than being free to laugh free—

"What's the context for this tête-à-tête, my dear devious… damn, can't think of a good D-word."

Robin's smile widened eagerly. Indeed, the only thing better than laughing free was laughing with friends. Case in point, she turned her smile on the white-haired friend that had strolled up next to her. "Damsel, perhaps?"

Merry snorted derisively, her smirk not shifting an inch. "Not on your damned life." She then shifted her attention back to her clashing crewmates. "And you haven't actually answered my question."

Robin chuckled as she returned her attention to the main attraction, observing with keen interest as Sanji actually managed to backflip off of the flat of Zoro's new blade. "On the surface, it's quite simple really: Sanji and his shanghaied sous chef emptied the crow's nest of all of Zoro's training equipment, and our first mate… _took offense,_ if you will. Most likely because he and his living training dummy—"

"I RESENT THAT!" Leo roared as he shot by, in hot pursuit of a fleeing Mikey.

"—were ejected in the same movement."

Merry blinked in surprise before tilting her head in a confused motion. "That's… _new._ Usually they butt heads when they cross paths, they don't actually antagonize the other. Why would Sanji go out of his way to provoke him?"

 _That_ got a frown out of the archaeologist, the circumstances of the situation serving to sober her up. "Because he himself was provoked."

Merry looked up at her in shock. "By who?"

Robin opened her mouth to answer—

"Well, I _would_ say me, but I resent the wording. 'Provoke' is such an _uncute_ way of putting it."

—and instead closed it just as fast as her answer floated by.

Merry huffed and frowned up at Perona. "Shoulda guessed… well, how would _you_ put it, then?"

Perona smiled beatifically as she ever so casually flipped onto her back. "Why, I just asked that gallant knight in shining armor if he'd be so nice as to clear the ugly troll's junk out of his cave so that I could have a room all to myself!" She folded her fingers under her chin as she tilted her head to the side. "Is that so wrong?"

"I'M GONNA MAKE YOU INTO A _REAL_ GHOST, YOU LITTLE—!" That was as much as Zoro managed to get out before Sanji shut him up with a boot sole that had to be blocked.

"I'LL BE DONE WITH THIS MOSS-RIDDEN MENACE SOON ENOUGH, MY PULCHRITUDINOUS POLTERGEIST PRINCESS!" Sanji whooped as he erupted into a full blown amorous inferno.

Robin cocked her eyebrow at the moniker, glancing up at the phantasm. "Your idea as well, I take it?"

Perona didn't seem to hear her, content to hum a chipper tune to herself as she walked away on the air, spinning her parasol on her shoulder.

Merry whistled herself, a low, appreciative tone. "And I thought _we_ had issues…"

Robin's frown deepened as she watched the Ghost Princess wander off. "Yes, but most of us have a handle on our neuroses, whereas she's making herself into an active threat." She and Merry both turned her eyes towards Cross, who currently occupied with looking his cannon over while Usopp talked with his sword, gesturing animatedly at the pachy-blade's sheath.

"Well, threat or not, whatever Cross foresaw was enough to give her a chance. I mean, once he got over the shock, he didn't even hesitate," Merry reflected. "But… how do we get to the point where she's our ally, let alone our friend?"

Robin pushed off the mast she'd been leaning on and cracked her neck in anticipation. "Simple enough: we fix her."

Merry snorted in amusement as she started to wander back towards the helm. " _You_ want to make someone on this ship sane? Good luck to ya."

"Do recall, Merry," Robin chuckled confidently. "I'm a Straw Hat. We don't rely on just any luck…" And with that, she started to walk towards Cross. "We make our own."

Cross didn't look up as the archaeologist approached him, more engrossed with shifting Lassoo around on his shoulder and trying out different grips and positions for the dog-cannon. "Something tells me you're not here to spar," he mused as he shifted the weapon's weight around.

Robin hummed in confirmation as she came to a halt behind him, facing opposite him with his right scapula knocking against hers so she could keep an eye on the soon-to-be topic of their conversation. "I believe our guest is in need of some attention," she started without preamble.

Cross smirked as there was a spike in the clash of rubber on steel. "Sanji's got _that_ covered in spades."

Robin smirked right back at the quip. " _Female_ attention."

 _That_ got Cross to pause and glance dubiously over his shoulder. "…are you _sure_ she swings that—?"

Robin didn't even bother to grace him with her unimpressed deadpan. "She needs a friend, Cross."

"Ah, heh, right, right…" Cross coughed, a blush dusting his cheeks. "And… yes, I can see how that'd be an issue… Vivi sure doesn't like her because of how she's been throwing that 'Princess' moniker around, and Conis considers her a bit too creepy to handle… what about yourself?"

Robin clicked her tongue in amusement. "I'm afraid that she finds _me_ a bit creepy."

Cross snorted. "Of course… moving on, Raphey's not interested in someone who can't throw a punch to save their life, and Perona's opinion on 'cuteness' runs counter to Merry, which leaves…" The Voice of Anarchy trailed off into a grimace. "Yikes."

"You see my dilemma," the Devil Child sighed. "Any thoughts on how to create an opening?"

"Hmm…" Cross glanced upward, tap-tap-tapping a thoughtful beat against his cannon's barrel before snapping his fingers. "One: she had time to sneak aboard at her leisure, so that means she probably brought _some_ of her possessions on board, with which she'll be filling her new room. If you can find a giant bear somewhere onboard? _That's_ your opening." He poked his thumb towards the snail that was on top of his sword's head, nodding along with whatever it was Usopp and Funkfreed were talking about. "Want any help with it?"

"Thank you but no," Robin allowed herself a smirk as she crossed her arms. "I believe I'll be able to handle myself. _Ojos Fleur._ "

Robin filtered rapid-fire through her rapidly blooming viewpoints, analyzing them at a glance before moving on.

' _No, no, good blackmail material but no, no, still looking forward to Luffy finding that, need remember to warn Sanji that the dill has gone bad, no, no—ooh, black lace.'_

"Feeling confident today, your majesty?"

" _OUT!"_

Robin chuckled as she withdrew the eye before the Cutter could make an eyepatch necessary. ' _She's getting faster, good for her. Now, where was I… ah yes. No, no, n-wait… ah, there you are.'_

The flower-woman harrumphed with grudging respect as she returned to herself. "Credit where it's due, for all that she's a brat she does indeed have a brain. It's hidden in a compartment in the crow's nest."

"Smart, hidden in the place she's already taking over," Cross nodded in agreement. "Now all you need to do is get the witch to pity the princess."

Yet another liberty her friends had granted her: Robin could smile with honest eagerness whenever she chose, a fact she indulged in as she flipped her newly acquired knife out and ghosted her fingers _just_ over the blade. "I _love_ a good challenge," she purred eagerly.

 **-o-**

Ensconced within the Thousand Sunny's aft-cabin library, Nami was hunched over a table, slowly and intently drawing her fountain pen over the sketch lines of a new map. This one was of Jaya—and briefly, she lamented how _behind_ she'd gotten with her maps—and it was really quite astonishing how obvious it was that half the island had just been… chopped off. Yeah, yeah, eliminate the impossible and all that, but it was the Grand fucking Line, for Aeolus' sake!

Shaking her head, Nami dispelled the thought rather than descend into another rant over the stupidity of the common person, which was pleasantly easy these days, and refocused on her inking.

"KYAAAAAAA!"

"SONNUVA—!"

Nami snarled venomously as she recovered from her heart nearly jumping clean out of her chest on account of a sudden feminine scream shattering her concentration. Her rage originated from the fact that the shriek had caused her hand to spasm from shock and tear a long line of ink across the paper before she'd flung the pen against the—

She blinked. Actually, make that _through_ the wall, with almost a quarter of the pen lodged in the wood.

"Huh," she remarked, glancing down at her arms and flexing them. "All that work with Donny is actually paying off…"

She then scowled as she clamped her hand into a fist. "The better to give someone a piece of my mind and actually have it _stick_ for once!"

So saying, Nami stomped out of the library to find out what catastrophe had resulted in such a scream and, more importantly, _ruined her map_. And while 'life-size teddy bear stuck in the rigging' wasn't even on the list of possible reasons, Nami wasn't much surprised; it was positively mundane compared to the typical Grand Line insanity.

What _did_ surprise her, however, was the sight of a very frantic and, more importantly, very _corporeal_ Perona trying and failing to scramble her way up the lines after said bear. And by 'failing', Nami was honestly unsure how she'd managed to tie herself up that way without any help. Were she of a more liberal disposition, she'd say that Perona had somehow managed to truss herself up like a cured ham prepped for shipment.

"—prepped for shipment!"

That drew her gaze back down to the deck, where a small crowd of crewmembers was busy snickering up at Perona's attempts to get at the bear, with more than a few bills swapping hands. "And you guys aren't helping… why?"

"Hey, she said she could handle it," Franky said, a touch defensively. "And none of us want to find out what getting hit with those Negative Hollows Cross mentioned feels like."

"Spoiler alert: it sucks!" Donny concurred with a frantic nod.

"AGREED!" Chopper and—Brook's head? Apparently? Eesh, this crew—piped up fearfully.

"That still—ERGH!—stands!" Perona snarled viciously as she yanked at the lines pinning her leg behind her back. "I'll—GRAH!—dance on each of your graves before I let you— _SONNUVA!_ —TOUCH MY BEAR— _WAGH!"_

The Ghost Princess's tirade devolved into a terrified shriek when the lines suddenly unwound and unceremoniously dumped the hollow-girl clean overboard.

"WHOA, WATCH IT!"

Or rather, _nearly_ dumped her overboard, thanks to Nami being close enough to dash over and grab her wrist before she could hit the drink.

The navigator wheezed with exertion as she braced her foot against the bulwark in an effort to keep her balance. "You _really_ take that 'let them eat cake' stuff to heart, I take it?!" she grit out.

"You freaking—!" Perona snarled venomously, a Hollow bubbling into existence in her palm. "Let me go, you uncute—!"

 _SPLASH!_

Her protests, Hollow, _and_ composure all died at once as a spray of sea foam blasted her. "PULL ME UP! PULL ME UP!"

"As you wish, your highness," Nami ground out with all the snark she could muster. With one final yank, the navigator hauled her load up, grabbed her other arm, and then yanked her up and over the side and onto the deck, where Perona immediately began kissing the lawn.

"I never thought I'd be so happy to be back on your crummy—!"

"AHEM!" Merry 'subtly' intoned from where she was standing on the foredeck's railing.

"Er, I mean _delightfully cute_ ship again?" Perona hastily corrected.

"Better~!" Merry sang as she returned to her duties.

"Yeah, well…" Nami huffed as she got her breath back in her, not used to exerting that much of her strength. "If you pull anything that stupid again, you'll be taking the express route _off_ our 'cute ship'. Seriously, what the hell were you thinking!?"

Perona got to her feet. It looked like she then tried to jump back to the lines again, but she didn't have the strength for it, her body almost entirely devoid of energy due to her struggles. The end result was that she staggered on her feet as she looked back up at where her bear was caught in the line, her expression more anguished than angered. "I-I couldn't—! I had to—! I-I need to get Bearsy, I _need—!"_

Nami rolled her eyes in exasperation, pointedly ignoring the Princess' melodrama. "Ergh, if you want that ratty thing so bad then I can just get it for you. Hang tight."

"Wha— _NO!"_ Perona spat viciously. "Don't you dare touch my—!"

"Oh, do you _ever_ shut the hell up?" Nami groaned more to herself than anything, ignoring the Hollow-girl in favor of clambering her way up the Sunny's rigging. The navigator might not have had the muscle of the rest of the crew, nor anywhere near as much experience working ship lines, but she was still familiar with the workings; you had to be to properly direct a ship. As such, it was child's play to reach the threadbare bear—Nami took a second to slap herself upside the head for the mental pun—unwind it from its bonds, and drop back down to the deck. "There, done. You happy n—?"

"BEARSY!" _THWACK!_

"GAH!" Nami grunted in shock when she was suddenly _bodychecked_ into the ground. She raised her head with a snarl the second she had her bearings back. "What the hell is your—!?" Said snarl died in her throat when she actually _saw_ Perona.

The guest on the ship was on her knees, trembling miserably, hunched over the ragged bundle of cloth that was almost twice as big as she was, a millimeter away from breaking out into full-blown sobs as she ran her fingers along the tears in his cloth. "No… no, Bearsy… n-not again… p-please, not again… B…Bearsy…"

Nami's jaw worked up and down at the display, trying and failing to come up with a proper reaction to what she was seeing. Finally, her heartstrings twisted in just such a way that she knew she didn't have any _other_ option. She slowly got to her feet, inched her way over to the Princess, and tapped her on the shoulder. "Hey…"

Perona jerked Bearsy away and _snarled_ at the Straw Hat. "Don't you fucking dare—!"

"I can sew… _him_ up for you."

And just like that, Perona froze in place, blinking tearfully at the pirate. "Y-You… wait, wha—?"

"I was the first woman on this crew of psychotics," Nami continued in a placating tone. "If I didn't know my way around a needle and thread, we'd have been buck naked in days. I can stitch Bearsy up for you and get him good as new. And… he's hollow, right?"

Perona sniffled, nodding jerkily.

"Then I can probably turn him inside out somewhat, store all his mass inside himself. That way, you can carry him around with you without any problems and you won't have to worry about losing him." Nami smiled kindly as she rested her hand on the ex-pirate's shoulder. "Does that sound good? Is that alright with you?"

A weak hiccup was followed by an almost inaudible mumble from the ghost girl.

"Alright, then," Nami said, taking Perona's hand and slowly helping her to her feet. "Come on, we'll go to the women's room. It's where I keep my supplies and we'll have some privacy there."

As they started to make their way across the deck, Nami subtly glanced over her shoulder to glare at her crew, and instead blinked in surprise to find that they'd all long since dispersed, with only Robin looking even remotely in their direction. Upon noticing Nami's gaze, the archaeologist simply smiled and winked before walking away.

Briefly, Nami considered puzzling out whatever was going through crewmate's head, but she just as swiftly dismissed the notion with a shudder. She wanted to _keep_ what little sanity she had left, thank you very much!

Perona was silent as they entered the ship and settled in the women's room, sitting on the bed and practically strangling Bearsy as Nami retrieved her sewing kit. She considered putting him on her desk, but once she realized how white-knuckled Perona's grip on the bear was, she instead conceded to laying him out on her bed instead, with the Hollow-girl reluctantly swapping her grip on the deflated doll for a pillow that she hugged to her chest.

After a few minutes of examining the damage, Nami retrieved a soft brown thread that matched the animal's coat and began threading the needle through the first tear. As she continued sewing, she turned the bear's appearance and condition over before coughing politely. "So… Bearsy, you said his name was?"

Perona made a slight sound in the affirmative.

Nami nodded. She looked the bear over again before glancing at the Ghost Princess. "So… he's… a bit of a creepy little guy, huh?"

Good news, bad news: Good news, that actually got a new reaction out of Perona. Bad news? Said reaction was a vicious twitch and an even more vicious scowl. "Bearsy isn't creepy, he's cute," she bit out.

"Sorry!" Nami hastily placated. Really, what else could she say to that? The girl looked ready to bite her head off. "I didn't mean anything by it, there's nothing wrong with it. Some people _like_ creepy—!"

"He's not creepy he's _CUTE!"_ Perona suddenly roared out of the blue, her face a rictus of rage.

"Okay okay, he's cute, he's cute!" Nami nodded rapidly, keeping a wary eye on the astral matter that was starting to bubble from Perona's body. "You're right, I'm wrong. He's _very_ cute."

Perona stayed frozen in place, chest heaving as she slowly came down from her outburst, re-burying her face in her pillow. "He's cute," she repeated weakly, though at this point Nami wasn't entirely certain who Perona was speaking to. "Bearsy is cute, he has to be cute. He has to be… He… creepy… creepy _has_ to be cute… because… if he isn't…" She lapsed into silence, shuddering and clutching the pillow like a life preserver.

Nami kept a wary eye on Perona, but she kept working in diligent silence for the next few minutes, carefully removing what traces of flesh remained in Bearsy and stitching up the more obvious rips in his fabric and pelt.

After she finished resecuring the bear's arm, Nami cast a tentative glance towards Perona. "I… I really _am_ sorry, you know," she tried softly. "What I said was insensitive, and I should have known better. I…" Nami faltered slightly, but after a moment's debate she made her decision. "I know… how important something like Bearsy can be."

A derisive snort sounded out, and Nami was suddenly doubly thankful for what Kalifa had put her through, because if Perona had snorted like that in front of the old Nami, she'd have had her head ripped off.

As it was she calmed herself down with a slow, methodical breath before nodding her head at a nearby dresser. "The top drawer, there's a false back."

Perona eyed her doubtfully but nevertheless complied; she got up, worked the drawer open and jimmied open the back. And what she found within made her tilt her head in confusion. "Uh… what… is…" She held up the tiny shirt she'd found and looked over the design on its chest. "Is this supposed to be a sunflower or—?"

"It's a lion," Nami replied softly, her fingers continuing their work even as her voice was quivered with emotion. "We… my family… we didn't have a lot… of anything except love and tangerines, really. That shirt, it used to be my sister's before she outgrew it. My mother redesigned it for me, and…" Nami shook her head with a sardonic chuckle. "Brat that I was, we got in a fight over it. I was an idiot, I said such _stupid_ things and then…"

Nami was forced to come to a stop as her shivers became too much, her fingers bunching up the bear's pelt. "And then… Arlong and his crew came and took over my village. And I had… barely enough time to apologize to my mother before…" Nami lapsed into silence as she shook her head; some pain was too deep-seated for anything to wash away.

"…Go figure," Perona finally responded, gently returning the shirt to its place. "And here I was thinking you were an idiot for wanting to get rich all the time."

Nami turned to look at Perona, whose face had darkened some as she looked to the side. She didn't elaborate, and after a few moments, Nami returned to her repairs, the silence far more comfortable. Finally, as she moved to the last tear, the ghost princess sighed.

"I was born the youngest daughter of a wealthy family," she said without preamble. "Four older sisters, and five older brothers. Nice and uniform, just the way my parents liked it. I had anything I wanted…" Perona's face twisted up in a scowl. "Except anyone who actually _cared_ about me, all because of what I liked."

Nami glanced at her in polite askance.

Perona narrowed her eyes scornfully as she twisted up the sheets in her fists. "While my sisters all dressed up in their ugly dresses and played with their ugly dolls… I liked cute things. I liked cute dresses, cute dolls… but everyone else hated them. They said _they_ were ugly, that _they_ were creepy…" The pinkette raised her hands and gazed longingly at the Hollows that swirled up around her, cackling and giggling obliviously as they lavished brainless praise on their Princess. "And then I ate my fruit, met my friends… and things became _so much worse."_

Perona curled in on herself as her friends hovered around her, laughing as they raised their arms in a facsimile of a hug, though they kept well away from actually touching her. "They moved my room to the lowest basement… took Bearsy away and…" She trailed off listlessly for a moment, her gaze far off. "Said that I would only get to come out if I got rid of the creepy toys… that it was a shame because I was so cute…" She dug her fingers into her legs. "But… but they just didn't _get it._ They didn't understand that my friends… my toys, my clothes, everything… they _were_ cute. I chose them because they _were_ cute, I chose them because… because…"

"Because they reminded you of yourself."

Perona glanced at Nami in surprise, but after a second of silence she nodded in tearful confirmation.

Nami shook her head sadly. "Creepy is cute. What others call creepy has to be cute. Bearsy has to be cute, because if he isn't…"

"Then I'm creepy too…" Perona completed weakly, nodding in confirmation. "And nobody loves a creepy haunted _freak."_ the girl then unwound slightly and knocked the back of her head against the wall. "Nobody except the giant twisted bastard who came to town one day, wrecked the mansion, and said he found my powers interesting. Who cares if it was only because I was useful to him? He was the one person in the world who actually cared for me… for _me._ That's…" Perona let out a cracked chuckle. "That's gotta count for… for _something,_ right?"

Nami seriously doubted that Cross knew any of what she had just learned. But regardless of what he _had_ seen, she now understood a lot more why he had given Perona a vote of confidence. Smiling softly, she finished the final stitch and held out the repaired and minimized bear to its owner. "There's at least one other person who cares about you, Perona," she said.

"BEARSY!" Perona cried, snatching the doll and hugging him to her chest with a joyful sob. "Oh, thank you thank you thank you _so much…"_

"No problem," Nami nodded with a polite smile before dropping her hand on Perona's shoulder. "And… I did say _at least_ , you know." Her smile grew fond as Perona looked up at her in shock. "I've gotta admit… now that he's not a giant murderbear, Bearsy really does look _very_ cute."

"I… ah…" Perona fumbled around slightly with her words before glancing away with a cough. "Your… mother did good work with that shirt, too. Your… your mom must have loved you a lot."

Nami glanced away. "…More than life itself," she confirmed, a tear slipping down her face. Shaking her head lightly, she turned back towards the ship's guest, a change in subject mercifully jumping out at her as she took in the look of her skin. "Hey, your tanning technique is, ah… kind of impractical, you'll end up looking all lopsided. If you want, I could… teach you, maybe, or…?"

Perona perked up eagerly. "R-Really? That'd be great, thanks! I'll go wait for you near the- ah, by _your_ tangerines!"

"Alright, be right there!" Nami waved with a smile, before slumping and sighing to herself as the door closed. Still, she'd wait a couple of minutes to compose herself before she got changed and headed out. After that… well, it looked like her maps would have to wait for yet _another_ day, though damned if she could find it in herself to be resentful of the fa—

Nami sat bolt upright as she realized what had been bothering her the whole time she was working on the bear: the library was _soundproof._ The door had been closed and the windows shut, so the only way that the sound of Perona's scream could have gotten in was… Cross's… pipe system…

And just like that, everything clicked as she remembered what Robin's new weapon was and how _smooth_ the slits in Bearsy had been. Then there was the fact that Perona couldn't have possibly gotten that tangled or tired in the lines in the time it took her to get there…

She sighed again, shaking her head in exasperation but incapable of hiding her fond smile. "Those devious _bastards…"_ Nami lamented to herself. "It takes a special kind of sneaky to not only manipulate a person, but make that person _not care_ that they're being manipulated…"

Nami then looked up intently. "Soundbite, do me a favor and tell Robin and Cross that I'm _still_ going to kick their asses for this later."

" _ **Done and done!"**_

"Thank you~!" Nami singsang as she started to get changed.

 **-o-**

"Well, we knew that that was bound to happen," Cross said cheerfully, not pausing in his swinging of Funkfreed in his sword form as Soundbite laughed his non-existent ass off. "Good thing that for once, it wasn't _my_ idea, _and_ that Nami hardly has a prayer of getting one over on you."

Robin smiled sweetly back at him. "For your sake, Cross, I hope that you are not trying to jinx me," she simpered.

"Maybe," Cross responded. "Or maybe I have the thought in mind that most of the people on this ship have seen _me_ humiliated and comically injured more times than I can count, whereas _you_ have been all but untouched since Water 7, and _maybe_ they'd be interested in a change of pace."

Robin's smile remained fixed even as a sheen of sweat formed on her brow. Wordlessly, she turned away and entered the ship, closing the door behind her. Cross snickered shamelessly, wondering to himself if that was a bluff before resuming his training. Though in his defense, it _was_ a bit hard to concentrate due to the show going on at the other end of the deck.

 **-o-**

Raphey panted as she strained her hearing for the telltale sound of rubber stretching, wishing as she did so that it was only something as trivial as Usopp's rubber bands. But _noooo_ , Boss _had_ to kill two Bananagators with one punch by having Luffy combine his pipework with her reaction training. It wasn't a bad idea… you know, other than the fact that it meant she was being hit by a metal pipe with ends as hard as diamonds that was being swung by _literally_ the strongest person on the crew.

The only thing that kept her from complaining, loudly and insistently, was the fact that, like all of Boss's training methods, it was actually working, as evidenced by the fact that she managed to block an attack from the side with a sound of clanging metal thanks to one of her sai, following which she locked the pipe in place with her second sai.

This turned out to a supremely _bad_ idea when Luffy demonstrated his status as, to reiterate, _strongest person aboard_ when he swung his pipe, dugong and all, and launched Raphey tail-over-skullplate into the ship's railing.

"Owww…" the female dugong whimpered, her flippers twitching minutely.

"Shake it off, Raphey!" Boss barked before turning his attention to the matter he himself was currently occupied with. "And as for you, Conis! Put your hips into it! No, not just your hips, put your whole body into it, whole body!"

And there was the other reason why Raphey wasn't complaining: because rather than handling him herself, Boss was occupied with willfully taking a few lumps of his own. He was playing defense against Conis, simultaneously blocking her weapon strikes and offering up a continuous stream of criticism. And _that_ was working, too. Even just the glimpses Raphey had managed in between getting her ass handed to her by the, third time's the charm, _strongest person on the crew_ showed the angel exhibiting a far tighter and more effective usage of her firearms in melee combat than she'd ever exhibited before.

And Boss wasn't just standing still during this fight either, so as to offer some training to another crewmate at the same time.

"Right snap!"

Conis swung her bazooka around and used it as a barrier to catch the snap punch Boss lashed out at her.

Boss whistled appreciatively. "Niiiice! You're getting good at this, Su!"

"And just in time for the feeling to come back to my legs! I _really_ appreciate it!" Conis concurred with a sunny smile.

Su snorted, smirking at her friend from her shoulder perch. "I can't tell if you're being sincere or if you're _finally_ learning how to sarcasm. Either's likely with you."

"What can I say, I'm just _really_ happy you're getting better with your cold reading!" Conis folded her arms behind her back and started to swing back and forth on her heels. "After all, you've _always_ had a bit of an issue with poor judgement…"

Su froze and her fur started to fluff up. "Conis, sweetie… don't. You—!"

Conis' smile didn't waver an inch. "Remember the chicken?"

" **Moremoremoremore** _ **TELL ME MOOOORE!"**_ Soundbite cackled out of the blue.

"NOOO!" Su wailed miserably.

"YES!" Conis pumped her fists and jumped for joy, her half-ton bazooka bouncing in her grip. "Finally I managed to get one over on you! Hahaha!"

"THAT'S NOT FAIR! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT CHICKEN WAS ON, BUT IT WAS ON _SOMETHING!"_ Su yowled as she ground her pawpads into her temple. "YOU CAN'T JUST—Boss is open."

"Wha—?" Said senior dugong blinked in confusion as he was broken out of concentrating on Raphey and Luffy's exchange.

"Sorry, Boss!"

 _THWACK!_

"GAH!" Boss yelped as Conis sent him _flying_ as she thwacked him with her bazooka like he was Tiger Woods' golf ball on a 500-yard tee-off.

Any other day, that small victory would have been the end of it.

 _This_ particular day, Luffy was going a bit overboard in his training, winding his arms up and letting loose on his poor training partner (read: _punching bag)_ with a killer wind-up.

"GUM-GUM HOME—!"

 _ **THWACK!**_ "YEEEAAARGH!"

"—run? Eh?" Luffy blinked in surprise as his body stopped rotating. "What was that?"

"A _load_ of pain and trouble for me and my bros once he gets back…" Raphey whimpered tearfully as she traced a black dot's course through the air.

"Whoops," Luffy had the good grace to wince and scratch the back of his head with his pipe as he joined her in watching. "Nami was right, I really _should_ start paying attention to what I'm doing in a fight. My bad!"

"Oh, dear…" Conis covered her mouth in shock. "I didn't mean for _that_ to happen! Do you think he'll be okay?"

"Eh?" Raphey blinked as the question drew her out of her terror before waving her flipper with a scoff. "Oh, yeah, sure, he'll be fine. We dugongs are tough and he's stupid strong. So long as he hits the water—"

It was at that moment that _something_ rammed into Boss in midair.

Conis slowly blinked in shock. "…oh, my."

Su, meanwhile, was grinning like a white devil. "This… is an unfortunate situation," she summarized, sounding like she was on the verge of breaking out into mad cackling.

Raphey swallowed heavily in agreement before raising her voice to address the rest of the crew. "Uh, hey, guys? Juuuust for the record, the next time we see a beetle?" She gestured weakly out at the insect that had hit Boss midflight. " _That_ is the current largest that we have ever seen. Just for the record."

Cross gave the display a flat look as he walked up to the group, a sweat-soaked towel slung over his shoulders. "Why do I have a feeling that this is going to get way worse before it gets any better?"

" _SO COOOOL!"_ Luffy finally burst out, stars beaming from his eyes. "I'm gonna go and catch it! Franky! Get a cage ready!" And just like that, before anyone could say or do anything, he shot his fist out and was gone.

Cross rolled his eyes and kept walking with a fond chuckle. "Called it."

 **Xomniac AN: And that's all for now, folks!**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Those of you who speculated that we were including Strong World? You were right. However, that brings us to an issue that we need to resolve.**

 **Last time we wrote in a movie, as you recall, we published it as one monster chapter, and unlike last time, we haven't been planning out said chapter for months with only a week or two's worth of finishing touches to put on to make it publishable, so whatever happens, it's going to be a while before we publish it.**

 **So, we have two options: either publish it in two to three chapters, depending on length and plot progression; or publish it all at once. The latter option will take more time, but there won't be any cliffhangers part of the way through; likewise, the former option will seem to come faster, but we'll probably cut off at the best parts of the action. You know we will. But the choice is a difficult one, so what shall we do?**

 **Why… leave it to you, of course. A poll is now open on Xomniac's profile. We will only accept votes cast there, and the poll will remain open until we publish the next chapter, which will cover the Little East Blue filler arc. At that time, the decision of the majority will stand. Until then…**

 **? AN: So. This would have been out last night, but I insisted on looking through it and making a few last-minute suggestions. Apologies for the twelve-hour delay, however unannounced before this note. I look forward, dear readers, to meeting you all** _ **very**_ **soon.**

 **Hornet AN: Oh, and for anyone who's been watching the news, Xomniac is currently safe from Hurricane Irma, have no fear.**


	61. Chapter 54 - Little East Blue Pt 2

**Chapter 54**

 **Xomniac AN: A little something for the Rare Sentences: "[TPO], think you could edit in Largo strumming or tuning his guitar menacingly?…dear god that's actually a thing in this instance."**

"Uhhh…" Sanji blinked slowly, taking in the scene before him as he walked across the deck, fresh from his most recent brawl with Zoro. "Yeeeaaah, I got nothing. Someone want to fill me in on what just happened?"

"Oh, we're training!"

Sanji turned his head towards Donny and _felt_ his eye twitch at what he saw.

"Is that Brook's skull?"

"Yep!" Donny nodded in confirmation. "Like I said, training. Got a bit… eh, _weird,_ but, hey." He shrugged dismissively. "Devil Fruits, right?"

The Straw Hats' cook _slowly_ pinched the bridge of his nose as he felt a migraine coming on. "Please tell me that this training didn't end up killing our musician."

"Actually, if we want to be pedantic, I was killed by the first poisoned arrow that struck me. Went clean through my knee! I eventually walked it off, though! I have no idea _why_ so many people make such a big deal out of that kind of injury."

Sanji pointedly ignored the plaintive " _Soundbite…"_ and taunting " **STILL NOT ME!"** that wafted over from the quarterdeck in favor of cracking his eyes open and taking in the fact that Brook's skull was _literally_ smiling up at him. "Dare I even ask where the rest of you is?"

"My skeleton came apart when I lost my head, so Chopper is reassembling my bones as we speak, and wiring them together for good measure," Brook glibly informed him. "Until then, Donny has been so kind as to grant me mobility! It's actually quite nice!"

"…It's a _wonder_ that I actually find the sight of one of my crewmates carrying a _talking skull_ around to be _normal,"_ Sanji deadpanned.

"Oh, I dunno!" Donny piped up, an eager grin slipping across his face. "I think there are some advantages to the situation! Observe!" The dugong proffered the afro'd cranium with dramatic flare. "Alas, poor Yorick!" he declared in a grandiose tone as he gesticulated with his free flipper.

" _ **I knew him, Horatio! A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy!"**_ Soundbite piped up happily.

"Oh, please stop, you're making me blush! Even though I have no cheeks or blood to blush with! YOHOHOHO! SKULL JOKE!" Brook cackled in Donny's palm.

A very prominent sweatdrop bloomed on the back of Sanji's skull as he watched the scene. "This is just morbid."

"You say morbid, I say hilarious!" Donny sniggered as he casually bounced Brook from flipper to flipper. "And Mikey says I don't have a sense of humor! HA!"

"Horohorohorohoro," Perona giggled behind her hand as her spirit floated by, causing Donny and Brook to fearfully glance up. "I have to admit it, that _is_ funny."

"I beg to differ," Vivi huffed as she came up from below deck, clad in a sundress and taking it all in with a flat expression. "At least it was better than the stunt Cross pulled…" Her expression fell even flatter. "Though I'd just like to make it known that I find it _deeply_ disturbing that both times that part has been re-enacted by this crew, it's been with separate, genuine human skulls."

"Noted, my most dearly beloved of princesses!" Sanji sang rapturously before snapping back to serious and jabbing his thumb over his shoulder. "But, ah… seriously, I was more asking about the giant bug that our captain is riding?"

"Captain and captain of the ship's guard, to be specific," Cross offered with a cheery smile as he came over, having changed into a fresh hoodie. "And if _that_ weirds you out, I suggest you not delve further. It's just as weird with context as without, so you're not missing much."

"Delightful," the princess deadpanned. "So, anything to tell us, or—?"

"Hey, don't look at me," Cross raised his hands in casual surrender. "Until we hit the Red Line again, you all are outta luck for spoilers from me."

"Oooh, so the smartass isn't quite so smart anymore?" Perona chuckled tauntingly as she floated in Cross's face. "I'm both disappointed _and_ delighted!"

" _ **Ya ever hear that saying**_ **ABOUT KEEPING YOUR TRAP SHUT** _ **IF YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY?"**_ Soundbite sneered at the ghost, before blinking as everyone stared flatly at _him._ "HEY, WHAT GIVES!?"

"We're just all surprised that _you_ know that phrase, you undercooked hors d'ouevre," Sanji said.

" _OF COURSE I KNOW THAT PHRASE!"_ Soundbite sniffed indignantly. " **I just** _ **CHOOSE NOT TO**_ **FOLLOW IT."**

"Hypocrisy at its finest," Zoro scoffed from across the deck. "So, now what?"

Nobody noticed the impish smirk that flashed across Perona's face, but they _did_ see the angelic expression she adopted. "Well I _do_ hope something is done about that big mean bug soon enough!" she lamented in a pretentious tone of voice. "After all, when you Straw Hats are involved, who _knows_ just what could happen!"

Cross cocked his eyebrow at her as he slowly took a step back. "You _do_ realize that that phrase is like painting a big fat bull's-eye on your face, right?"

To that, Perona just smirked harder. "Mm, I don't think so. I wasn't very specific, after all."

Before Cross could respond to that, the insectoid buzzing that had formed a constant white noise for the past five minutes suddenly picked up in intensity, suddenly joined by grunts of dugong exertion and Luffy's joyous whoops. All eyes turned seaward to find the massive beetle making a beeline for the deck—and more importantly, to fly right over Cross' head.

"And _you_ do realize that I'm intangible right now, _right?"_ Perona shoved her smirk in Cross's face.

The strategist paled in terror. "You _little—!"_

"HEY, GUYS! NEED SOME HELP UP HERE!" Luffy yelled down at his crew.

And before anyone could react, a rubbery hand shot clean through Perona's chest and latched onto Cross's collar.

Cross stared blankly at the fist for a moment as the arm it was attached to started to go taut before heaving a tired sigh. "Luffy, you might have gotten smarter, but you are still a _dumb_ son of a—YARGH!"/" _ **WAHOOHOOHOOIE!"**_ Cross and Soundbite wailed in unison as they were yanked clear off the deck and up onto the writhing insect's back.

The crew all watched, silent, as the titanic beetle zipped back into the air with a particularly rapid-fire aileron roll.

"Ooooh, he is _not_ going to like that…" Brook breathed… well, breathlessly.

"Different story for me~!" Perona sang, and before anyone else could say anything, she soared back through the air to the quarterdeck, where she landed in her bikini-clad body and promptly set about hugging her Bearsy, the cloth only barely muffling a squeal of mirth.

"What's got you all cheery?"

Perona glanced over to where Nami was looking up from her own seat with an expression that was equal parts curious and concerned. Normally, Perona would have just scoffed and dismissed the woman with a flippant comment or an offhanded Negative Hollow, but…

"Oh, I just got Cross to get snagged onto the big buggy up there by your captain." Perona jabbed her thumb upwards with a confident smirk.

Nami glanced up—

"Snrk!"

And promptly had to cover her mouth to suppress a snort of laughter. "Oh, _man,_ that's a good one! But, uh…" She then trailed off into a nervous grimace. "I hope you do remember that Cross is a _vindictive_ bastard and that he's going to see that you pay dearly for that."

"HA! What do I have to worry about… from…" Perona trailed off, her expression falling flat. Then her face grew slightly ashen, and she chuckled nervously as she slowly pointed towards the main deck. "Uh… I, ah… Imma just… gonna go and stash my body, if that's alright with you."

"You go do that if you think it'll do you any good," Nami chuckled. "Just hope that Cross's landing is a good one, otherwise he's going to be _really—!"_

Out of nowhere, the giant beetle suddenly bucked like it'd been kicked in the face before turning over into a nosedive face-first into the cliffside of a nearby island, really just a spire of rock poking out of the horizon at this distance.

Nami sat up and blinked in surprise. "Huh, wouldja look at that, they found land. Lucky us." She then directed a sympathetic wince at Perona. " _Unlucky_ you."

The Ghost Princess let out a sound not unlike a whimper.

 **-o-**

"Urgh…" Boss groaned as he sat up on his tail, head pounding like the entire Royal Army was using it for marching maneuvers. "Where's the flying Sandora Dragon that body slammed me?"

He glanced to his right, where a familiar giant beetle was sprawled on its back, eyes spinning. Beside the beetle was Cross, lying face-down in the dirt and Soundbite's shell spinning wildly on its back with the snail's eyes sticking out and spinning dizzily. Oh, and Luffy trying to yank his head out of where it'd gotten lodged in the cliff face, naturally.

"Oh, right," he drawled, shaking his head as it all came back to him.

"S'ndb'te…" Cross muttered into the dirt before weakly pushing himself onto his back and spitting out a few strands of grass. "I just want you to know… I both applaud and _disdain_ your idea to blast that thing in the face with a Gastro-Blast."

" **I AIN'T THAT** _proud of myself, either,_ DON'T WORRY…" Soundbite gurgled as his spinning slowed to a halt.

"Good, good… and just out of curiosity, have you ever wondered what rubber tastes like?"

" **Well,** _**now that you mention it…"**_

"You'll have to get your pound of flesh some other time," Boss cut in as he slowly slid into a fighting position. "Because right now, we're still a bit busy! If a hit that weak took down that big lug, then I'll eat my own flippers!"

"Eh?" Cross tilted his head over to look at boss. "The heck are you—?"

Out of the blue, the giant beetle regained its senses and flipped back to his (and it was definitely a he, if its tone of voice was anything to go by) heavily armored legs with a flanging roar. At the same time, Luffy ripped his head out of the cliff and brought most of it down with him as he loosed a bestial roar all his own.

"NOW I'M FIRED UP!" the rubber-man bellowed. He then donned a viciously eager grin as he raised his fists into a ready position and squared off against his insectoid rival. "Man, you're a _really_ tough beetle! Really cool too!" Luffy's grin slowly doubled in size as he lowered his stance. "And… you _really_ want to keep fighting, don't you?"

The titan-bug hesitated slightly, and then his mandibles curled into a grin and he bucked his head in an insectoid approximate of a nod. He let loose a warbling, eager-sounding cry as he pawed at the ground, his wings literally buzzing with eager, pent-up energy.

Luffy blinked in surprise before glancing at his third mate's partner in confusion. "What'd he say?"

" _DAMMIT, CAPTAIN, I'M A_ **MOLLUSK,** _NOT AN_ **arthropod!"**

"And since when has something as trivial as _species_ ever stopped you before?" Cross snorted, having yet to shift from his prone position.

Soundbite, meanwhile, abruptly stopped his spinning and flipped onto his more stable and sticky side, casting a bemused look at his armored cousin. "BEFORE, YOU'D HAVE A POINT. _NOT IN THIS CASE._ _ **I can't make heads or tails**_ **of what he said… OR ANYTHING HE'S SAYING FOR THAT MATTER.** _I'd say it's all Greek to me,_ **but I know that too!"**

Cross blinked in surprise before leaning up into a sitting position. "You… can't translate him? Not even with his Voice?" he said in surprise.

" **Oh, well, of course** _ **THAT**_ **works…** _but that's like looking at the binary for a piece of digital art! IMPRESSIONS, EMOTIONS,_ THE GENERAL GIST."

"Well, what're those, then?" Luffy asked, almost oblivious to the increasingly annoyed beetle.

" _ **Uhh…"**_ Soundbite's eyestalks crossed inquisitively. " **Ignoring the mounting temper at being ignored…** _you're a good fight, BOTH YOU AND BOSS ARE A LOTTA FUN TO BRAWL WITH,_ _ **he's looking forwards to grinding you two into the dirt—"**_

"You're dead," Boss stated as he slammed his flippers' 'knuckles' together, drawing a warning growl and glare from the insect.

"You're gonna fit right in!" Luffy cackled eagerly, gearing up to launch forwards—

" _ **WHOA, RED FLAG ON THAT PLAY!"**_ Soundbite's eyestalks suddenly snapped to attention in alarm as pure fury flashed through his cousin's being. "LUFFY, THIS ISLAND IS THE BUG'S PROUD HOME AND DUTY IN ONE, _IT CAN AND INTENDS TO DEFEND THIS PLACE_ **until it's dead and gone!** _ **No way in hell you're getting him off this island!"**_

Luffy and Boss both blinked in surprise at that comment, followed by Luffy sagging despondently as the beetle snorted and nodded in clear agreement. "Aww, really? There's seriously no way?"

" **PUT IT THIS WAY:** MERRY WOULD HAVE AN EASIER TIME _getting you to let her swallow your hat,"_ Soundbite vowed solemnly.

Luffy's eyes darkened for an instant, his hand shooting up to his treasure. Then he sighed in disappointment. "Alright…" Then his bad mood evaporated as he turned back to the beetle with a sunny grin. "Hey, we're not here to hurt anyone or steal anything. If you don't wanna fight anymore—"

 _That_ got a particularly irritated-sounding roar and some earthshaking stomping.

" **Did you forget the parts about 'FUN TO BRAWL WITH' and** ' _grind you into the dirt'?"_ Soundbite deadpanned.

"I'm with him there!" Boss cut in, a few degrees down from snorting out a blast of steam. "Sorry, Captain, but you're just gonna have to get in line, because I've got a reputation to defend! I haven't lost a CQC brawl yet, and this oversized _fly_ ain't gonna break it!"

"WHAT ABOUT _**literally every fight**_ **with the other Mon—?"**

"THOSE ARE DRAWS!" Boss snapped without missing a beat. "I ain't gone all-out and beaten those guys to a bloody pulp yet because the costs outweigh the benefits in terms of training and the Sunny couldn't take it. But beetle-boy here?" He grinned fiercely as he rolled his shoulders. "He doesn't have that _advantage_ to him, so I'm not gonna hold back on him!"

"Hey, no fair, you're stealing my fight!" Luffy whined… and then he blinked as something hit him. "Wait… you've fought Sanji and Zoro!? But _we_ haven't fought yet! RAGH!" The rubber-man started stomping and swinging his arms furiously. "C'MON! YOU'RE ONE OF THE STRONGEST AND COOLEST FIGHTERS ON THE CREW! I WANNA FIGHT YOU! _AND_ I WANNA FIGHT THE BEETLE! RAAAGH, WHO DO I FIGHT FIRST!?"

Said beetle snorted and shook its horn in an unimpressed manner.

" **Big boy's got a** _ **good point,**_ YOU'RE AN IDIOT," Soundbite deadpanned. " _ **WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU**_ _just go battle royale AND BE DONE WITH IT!?"_

Beetle, man, and dugong all froze, and a significant look passed between them.

"Y'know, Soundbite…" Boss said, in a voice akin to having seen a unicorn. "That's actually a really good idea."

" _WHY DO YOU SOUND SO SURPRISED?!"_

Cross, meanwhile, snorted and cackled in honest—if still tired—amusement. "Oh, I _love_ when that happens to someone who's not me!"

"Anyway…" Boss slowly cracked his 'knuckles' as he grinned at his soon-to-be opponents. "No more delays. Let's find out… who here's the _real_ strongest Monster in these seas!" The dugong then _slammed_ his tail into the ground, cracking open a decently sized crater around him. "LET'S GO! THREE!"

The beetle threw its horn back and roared, the primal sound requiring _no_ translation.

"ONE!" Luffy cackled, snapping his arm back in such a way that it was clearly angled towards the beetle. "GUM-GUM—!"

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

"—GWAH!?"

Out of _nowhere,_ a three-foot and change tyke in a pastel pink and yellow shirt and shorts along with a Marine cap and coat that were a few sizes too big for her, leapt onto Luffy's back and started going to town on his head with a thick-ended branch. The makeshift club didn't do any damage, obviously, but it _did_ tilt his hat down over his eyes, and in the confusion Luffy's fist went out of his control—

 _THWACK!_ "GWAGH!"

And slammed clean into his own cheek, sending both himself and his impromptu passenger tumbling in the dirt, though that didn't hinder said passenger from continuing to wail on him in the least.

Cross's eye twitched slightly as he took it all in. "Oh, what fresh hell is this."

Boss cocked his eyebrow at his crew's third mate in surprise, the sudden show having knocked him clean out of his battle lust. "Since when are you this snippy?"

Cross let out a garbled grumble as he scratched at his hat with both heads. "Since our idiot captain batted you onto the giant bug over there, followed by said idiot captain then stretching himself up to said bug, and finally our resident Ghost Princess—who I still need to swear vengeance against, by the way— tricked said idiot captain into dragging me up to said bug, which culminated in our high-fiving a cliff with our _bodies_. Final count?" The tactician's eyes rolled up in his head and he flopped onto his back in a spread-eagled position. "Blame the idiot captain, leave me to my pain…"

"…It is a _wonder_ that that whole series of events actually makes sense to me," Boss breathed. He then grimaced and kneaded his brow. "It also gives me a raging headache and pisses me off for some reason, why the _hell_ am I pissed off?…ah!" The dugong pounded his flipper in his palm in realization. "Sonnuva seahorse! I lost my cigar!"

Soundbite boggled at the dugong. "HOW ADDICTED TO _**nicotine ARE you?"**_

"Tchyeah, like you don't eat lettuce almost religiously you little mrgrfrkr…" Boss trailed off into grumbling as he patted down his shell, followed by his perking up joyously as he withdrew one of his cigars. "Got one!" A few more seconds patting, however, got him sagging in dismay. "Don't got my flints and my weapon's back on the Sunny… damn it, anyone got a light?"

"Ah, here you go." There was a flick of metal, and a lighter was held before the Dugong.

"Thanks!" Boss hastily lit his cigar and took a greedy drag, which he snorted out with a contented hum. "Ahhhh yeah, _that_ takes the edge off… thanks for that!" He then took a slower drag, and let the smoke hiss out slowly as he glanced up at the portly, gray-mustachioed old man wearing a boater hat and carrying a pipe who'd offered him the light. "And if you're expecting me to jump in surprise from you showing up like that, you're sorely mistaken."

"Hahaha, no worries, I wouldn't dream of it!" the old man chuckled good-naturedly as he waved the dugong down. "And it wasn't like I intentionally snuck up on you! I just wanted to say hello, and also to confirm something! You four, you're all members of the Straw Hat Pirates, correct?"

"Considering you had enough respect for Soundbite to count him as a crewmate?" Cross said. "I feel like you're nice enough to warrant an honest yes."

"Then in that case, allow me to introduce myself!" the old man laughed as he held his arms out invitingly. "My name is Fabre; I'm the mayor of these parts! Allow me to be the first to welcome you as the honored guests of Kansorn Island!"

"Well, I guess that means we don't have to introduce ourselves," Cross remarked. "But you'll understand if I take your warm welcome with a grain of salt."

" **Just say** _ **HE'S SUSPICIOUS,**_ _DON'T MENTION THE_ SALT!" Soundbite snapped.

The mayor laughed again, waving a hand. "I understand your concern, but I promise you have nothing to fear from us. I was going to save this for when you reached our humble town, but once we confirmed that it was your ship on the horizon that Boss had buzzed, I decided to come here alone to ease your suspicions. You see, the reason you'll find you're quite welcome here is that most all of this island's inhabitants hail from the East Blue, where your crew originated. And even beyond that, quite a few of us actually hail from islands your original crewmates came from! Throw in your SBS sessions chronicling our exploits and, well…" Fabre beamed proudly. "Suffice to say that much of the island's been set up as a shrine to the Straw Hat Pirates, and everyone on the island is a big fan of your crew!"

"OWOWOWOW! GET OFF OF—!"

"NO, _YOU_ GET OFF _MY_ HOME!" _CHOMP!_

"—AAAARGH! LET GO LET GO LET GO!"

Everyone flinched and turned to watch in half bemusement, half sympathetic pain as Monkey D. Luffy, one of the strongest and most renowned pirates of his generation, ran around screaming his head off in pain as a little girl bit and scratched at his head.

"IIIII'm going to go out on a limb and say that you're going to tack on a 'most' to that last statement of yours?"

Fabre's weary sigh was all the answer the Straw Hats needed.

The beetle's reaction, meanwhile, seemed equal parts exasperated and fond, and it was with heretofore unseen delicacy that the titan stepped towards the squabbling pair. Then, with the same amount of delicacy, the beetle stretched its leg out, hooked the barbed tip in the back of the girl's shirt and pulled her off of Luffy, leaving her struggling in the air.

"Ah-hah-hah-haoooow…" Luffy whined, massaging his bite marks. "Why does stuff that shouldn't hurt me always hurt so much mooore…"

"Because the muse of comedy has Haki," Cross informed his captain.

"Oh, okay then…"

"Yoko!" Fabre spoke up, addressing the girl in a chastising tone. "I know you're not happy with this, but _please!_ Surely you must understand that just attacking a person like that—!"

"I wouldn't ever attack someone like that, but I _will_ attack a _pirate_ like him each and _every_ time!" the newly named Yoko spat venomously, swapping her glaring between Luffy and the mayor. "You and everyone else on the island might have gone crazy, but I haven't! No matter what you or anyone says, pirates are pirates! I won't let them hurt my home, no matter what!"

"We're not gonna hurt your home," Luffy said, much akin to saying that the sky was blue.

"I SAW YOU ATTACKING BOSS!" the girl roared, swinging in the bug's grip.

Luffy and his ship's guard both blinked and glanced at one another in confusion before the dugong slowly raised a flipper.

"Uh… I _wanted_ him to attack me, and I was going to return the—" Boss Dugong started hesitantly, unfortunately missing how the local mayor was desperately chopping his hand across his neck in a plea for silence, which unfortunately came to naught when the rebellious girl interrupted him.

" _Not you,"_ Yoko snapped, her anger freezing over as she glared bloody murder at the amphibian pirate.

"Boss… was the name we gave to our large friend here when he came to us," Fabre clarified, drawing a friendly wave from the insect.

"But ever since your stupid show started, everyone's started calling him Boss _Kabuto!"_ Yoko hissed, as though the words were heresy. "It was his name and you stole it! Boss is Boss, and only he can ever be the _real_ Boss! You're just a dumb, smelly, pirate _fake!"_

Boss-the-Dugong blinked in surprise at the sheer vitriol in her words, and then he closed his eyes solemnly, his cigar bobbing up and down. "'Zat so…"

"Hey, you're wrong!"

Three of the present Straw Hats and the local mayor all winced at the sound of one of the few things that could escalate matters worse than Cross opening his mouth: Luffy opening his.

"My Boss is way stronger than your Boss, so that makes him the _real_ Boss!" Luffy stated, accompanied by a foot stomp. "The other dugongs told me how he got his name! Only the strongest person around gets to be called… Boss… wait a second…"

Several confused glances were shared when Luffy suddenly trailed off, his head bowed and his face screwed up in intense thought. Cross, the lone exception to the above, leaned up into a sitting position and gave his captain a half-lidded stare. "Oh, this is _bound_ to be good."

"The strongest fighter is called Boss," Luffy muttered under his breath, grinding his finger into his temple. "And I was gonna fight two other guys named Boss… and I was going to beat them too…"

"OI!" Boss Dugong barked indignantly, with the Kabuto edition giving an annoyed grunt of his own.

Several more seconds passed, and then… "AH!" Luffy's head snapped up in realization, and he pounded his fist in his palm. "When I beat the two of them, I'll be the Boss!"

"That's what he got out of this?" Fabre asked, his tone equal parts amazed and amused.

"A Boss Dugong, a Boss Kabuto and a Boss Monkey; did I stumble into a myth of some sort when I wasn't looking?" Cross questioned with familiar amusement.

"That's ' _IF'_ you beat me, Captain!" Said Boss Dugong shook his fist defiantly at the rubber-man. "You can come at me with all barrels blasting, but I'm not gonna go down without giving you one hell of a fight!"

"And you're not fighting the _real_ Boss at all!" Yoko cut in. If looks could kill, Luffy would have keeled over with a dozen stab wounds in his skull. "He's going to kick your ass so that you leave our island and never come back, but he _won't_ fight you for fun! You might be a brainless thug, but not Boss!"

The beetle let out an offended sound, to which the Straw Hats looked at a frowning Soundbite. "UH… _difference of opinion here, he's both as eager as a hound with a scent…_ _ **and nostalgic as all hell?"**_ Soundbite gave his odd sort-of shrug. " _DON'T ASK ME."_

"You're wrong, lying, stupid, or some combination of all three!" Yoko snorted. "Boss isn't like that! Right, Boss?" She smiled proudly at the titan bug, only for her face to fall when he failed to meet her gaze. "B-Boss?"

The Kaiser-sized kabuto gave out a lilting, apologetic rumble, gazing at the girl with regretful eyes.

"B-But why?!" Yoko demanded, anger and a little bit of betrayal coloring her voice. "You've always been by my side, protecting this island from pirates like _them—"_ That last barbed word was accompanied by the girl jabbing her finger at Sunny, which had sailed closer over time. "—and now you want to—!"

Whatever rant Yoko had been working up to died in her throat when Boss Kabuto suddenly perked up and snapped his gaze to the ship. He then dropped the girl from his leg, lifted off, and buzzed a bee—er, _beetle_ line straight towards the Sunny. And the reason it died became clear when she turned a smug grin on Luffy, Boss Dugong, and Cross.

"Hah, looks like you guys were wrong!" she crowed with _way_ too much eager pride. "Now Boss is gonna go sink your ship, and you're all gonna leave crying, just like all the others!" She glanced back out to sea, where the titan-beetle was circling above the Sunny. "Any second now." A long pause, Yoko's foot tapping on the stone. "Aaaaaany second now…"

"Eh, do you think he's lost or something?" Luffy asked, head tilted in confusion.

Yoko snapped an affronted look at the rubber-man, ready to yell.

"Nah, there he goes," Boss Dugong interjected.

The girl then snapped her head around with a massive grin as the beetle dive-bombed the ship. "HA! See, I told—!"

Said beetle then merely buzzed the deck of the Sunny before pulling up and soaring straight back towards the island.

Yoko blinked in confusion. "What?"

Within moments, the beetle had returned and had plopped itself right back where it had been previously. And the blue and white trunked fish flopping incongruously from his mouth was both new and utterly impossible to miss. Once it was certain everyone had gotten a look at his prey, Boss Kabuto tossed the fish up into the air before swallowing it all in a single gulp. He then followed this move up by giving them all a cocky grin and pointedly licking his mandibles.

It didn't take long for everyone present to put the pieces together.

"Was that an Elephant Blue-Fin Tuna?" Fabre wondered.

"Did that come from our ship!?" Luffy demanded.

"Did that thing just eat our lunch in front of us to spite us!?" Boss fumed.

"Were those assholes _fishing_ while we fought for dear life!?" Cross raged, his gaze focused more on their own ship.

Yoko didn't say anything. At least, not anything with words. Following the wordless scream of frustration she let loose, the girl stomped off. Boss Kabuto tried to trot after her, but the scathing glare she snapped at him halted the ten-ton insect in his tracks. When she tromped into a cave in the cliffside, he didn't follow.

In fact, he stayed in that position for a solid few minutes before glancing guiltily at the other fighters and warbling regretfully.

"No need to translate that, it's clear he's not that keen on fighting anymore," Boss said, waving his flipper dismissively.

" **Actually, that's only half** _THE EXPLANATION,"_ Soundbite informed him, staring at the titan Kabuto in awe. " _That… That big guy,_ _ **BOSS KABUTO… his Voice, his being,**_ HE'S… HE'S _changing…"_

"Oh, it's that time already?" Fabre perked up and shot an inquisitive look at Boss K, who grunted and nodded in confirmation. "Huh, the tuna must have pushed you over the edge. Well, if it's a fight you boys want, then you came at the right time! See, Boss Kabuto here? Every month or so, he molts his skin and becomes bigger and stronger than he was before! He's easily twice as big now as he was when he first came to our island! You're going to be _literally_ fighting him at the peak of his strength!"

"So… a delay for a spike in quality?" Boss's grin widened with bloodthirsty eagerness. " _Perfect!"_

"Wow, you're actually going to _evolve!?"_ Luffy squeed, stars sparkling in his eyes. "SO COOL!"

" _ **So impossible, more like!"**_ Soundbite sputtered incredulously. " **LUFFY, THIS BUG'S GROWING BEFORE** _MY NON-EXISTENT EARS!_ **Even by Grand Line standards, nothing breaks the rules of biology so blatantly, not like this!** _Cross, back me up here!"_

The Voice of Anarchy in question blinked as he was taken out of his thoughts, having been focused on other matters from the moment Yoko had yelled. "Eh? Ah… I guess? Sorry, Soundbite, I've got more important things to worry about at the moment."

" _ **LIKE WHAT!?"**_

Cross directed a glare at his partner before regarding the local mayor with a compassionate expression. "Which parent, how bad, and how long ago?" he asked sadly.

 _That_ got the snail choking on his tongue.

Fabre, for his part, blinked in surprise before sighing heavily, his pipe bobbing up and down as he worried at it. "You really _are_ smart…" he muttered. "Her father, bad, and a few years but to her it might as well have been yesterday. A damn shame, really; he was a good man, both as a father and as a Marine. And she'd already lost her mother before that, so Boss—er, Boss Kabuto is the only family she's got left." The statement drew a regretful warble from the bug.

Cross hung his head and scratched at his nose's bandage, sighing. "Yeah, I figured that last bit… and my words haven't reached her at all?"

The old mayor winced and glanced away sheepishly. "Yyyyes and no. At first, when she heard you say you were a pirate, she took off running. Ours is a small village on a much bigger island, so it's been easy for her to make herself scarce whenever you start to broadcast, and she just won't listen to us when we tell her you're different. The yes… doesn't actually help. See, we insisted she at least listen to _one_ broadcast, she conceded…"

The pirate cocked his eyebrow at the mayor. "And…?"

The mayor coughed into his fist. "You started talking about corruption in the Marines and she took off like a bat out of hell."

Cross slapped his hand to his face with a groan. "I'd say that God hates me, but that's already public knowledge."

"Mm," Fabre nodded. "Either way, I'm quite sorry to tell you this, but it's likely she'll do her level best to make your stay here with us… _difficult_ , to say the least. I apologize for her in advance."

"Fan-frickin'-tastic," Cross groaned as he grabbed the brim of his cap and yanked it down over his eyes. "Why can't this shit ever be easy?"

The mayor cocked an eyebrow at the pirate. "If… you don't mind my asking, how did you…?"

"The coat and her own condition. If she had anyone left or if the owner were still alive, she'd have let the coat get tattered and worn out like any old family keepsake. But it's unique and irreplaceable, so she maintains it religiously and keeps it immaculate. She, meanwhile, is picking up bruises and scabs that no one looks at, and her other clothes and her hair are getting worn out and dirty because they don't matter as much as the mission. The mission, her father's mission, comes first ever and always while she lets herself slowly fall to pieces. Which—" Cross pushed himself to his feet with a huff, casually dusting off the seat of his pants. "Is where _we_ come in."

Fabre blinked at his island's guest. "Oh? How so?"

Cross smiled impishly as he slammed his fist into his palm. "Simple," he chuckled. "We're the people who help her put the pieces back together." He then blinked and looked down at his hands. "Oh, now there's a thought…" After a moment he shook his head, eyes refocusing. "Eh, we'll see how it goes. For now…" He looked back at Luffy. "So, orders, Captain?"

Luffy grinned as he looked at his third mate's shoulder. "Soundbite, call the Sunny. We're staying here until I get my rematch! It's, ah, what's the word… SHORE LEAVE!" He threw his arms up victoriously. "Tell the crew we've got shore leave!"

"Ah, Straw Hat? Make sure they dock on this side; our village is on the other side of the island, but there are reefs that prevent all but the smallest ships from reaching us from… the…" The mayor trailed off at the _looks_ that the Straw Hats were giving him, but he swiftly recovered once he realized what it was all about. "Ah, my apologies! I'm an old man, I forget things! If the famous Weather Witch asks, tell her I meant no disrespect, alright?"

" **Done and done, old man,"** Soundbite confirmed. " _Done and done."_

 **-o-**

"It was bad enough that the entire village became fans of a bunch of _pirates,"_ a certain young girl muttered murderously as she stomped through the island's labyrinthine caverns. "But Boss… he was the only one I could rely on to help protect the island, and now he's gone over, too… and now… _and now…_ "

Yoko vented her frustration in a singular howl of primal fury as she kicked a nearby wall. She held her ground for a few seconds before she began hopping around in pain, clutching her shoe. "Owowowow _OW_ , dang it!" she cried. After a minute or so, she regained her composure, and made her way to the highest point of the village. Looking down, she shook her head in disgust as the mayor and Boss led the pirates into Little East Blue.

"Those pirates… they may have fooled everyone else, they may have even fooled _Boss_ , but they can't fool me. And I'll prove it to all of them!" she declared triumphantly. "I'll keep track of those criminals and everything they do, and when I tell the mayor what I've seen, he'll have to see sense!"

With that plan in mind, she made her way back to the main level of the village, binoculars in hand as she began looking around for the first pirate to stalk—oh, sorry, _observe._ "No matter what happens, I _will_ take down these pira—" She froze briefly before shaking her head and starting again. "I _will_ do my duty and protect this village, even if I have to do it alone."

Soon, the young girl burst out of the trees surrounding the village, though still raised up on the bluffs surrounding the town. From there, she had a good view of the Thousand Sunny as it nosed its way through the reefs that helped defended the town.

"Mark my words, Straw Hat Pirates," she muttered as she crouched down and put her binoculars up to her eyes. "I'll see you run out of the Little East Blue before the day is out! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! _MWAHA—GAH!"_ Yoko cut herself off with a harsh slap to her cheeks. "No, no, no, I'm supposed to be the _good guy_ here, _they're_ the bad guys!" She shook her head firmly, clearing it of all impure thoughts before putting her binoculars up to her eyes. "Right. Lot of targets. Where to start?"

"WHOA, YOU GUYS HAVE A WINDMILL!? AWESOOOOME!"

Yoko blinked in surprise as a blur of red shot across the island's verdant fields, but she promptly swapped her dumbstruck expression for a determined grin.

"Asked and answered," she nodded to herself before jogging after the pirate captain as fast as her young stature allowed. To her chagrin, she wasn't able to keep pace with him, and fell behind quickly, but the fact that she knew exactly where he was heading meant she did little more than frown in annoyance.

She arrived at the village's symbol a minute or so after the rubber captain, who had secured himself to one of the windmill blades and was riding it around and around. Blinking several times, she tried and failed to parse how the pirate wasn't falling off when it looked like he was just sitting cross-legged on the top of the blade.

"How is he…" she began, before shaking her head. "Nonono, more important: _what_ is he—?"

"WOOOOW!" the pirate captain called down in a clearly awed tone of voice. "You can see the whole town from here! This is so cool!"

Yoko blinked at the statement before scowling grimly. She then dug a notepad and pencil from her fath— _her coat_ and started scribbling on it. "'Captain… surveying local geography… for more efficient pillaging…"

She shoved her pencil behind her ear as she shot a final glare up at the laughing menace. "He'll probably be up there for awhile, and that dumb blond with the stupid lying snail and that smelly blubberbutt that were with him looked like they were just a pair of muscleheads, so they probably won't be doing anything _too_ bad just yet…" She nodded decisively. "So I should make my way to the shore and follow the rest of them as they come into the village."

Nodding, Yoko was about to do just that when a roaring crashing sound, like a martial artist unleashed on a lumber store, sounded out from the trees. She flinched at the familiar sound, and any thought of going down to the shore was tossed out the window.

"Whatever that is," she said through _fire screams bangbangbang_ clenched teeth. "It needs to be stopped. Now."

Sprinting into the woods, she quickly picked up the trail, not that that was hard. She'd barely gotten past the tree line before being confronted with a line of stumps and sawdust that terminated in—

"Agh, stupid!" she berated herself, smacking herself a few times. "Muscleheads can be directed! Stupid stupid stupid!"

Boss Dugong, going to town on the hapless trees surrounding him. And not like a lumberjack, either. More like a saw mill, not that Yoko'd ever seen one. It was a simple pattern: Boss would chop a tree down with his bare flippers, the attack somehow tossing said tree in the air, and as it fell he attacked it even more fiercely, stripping off bark and branches and simultaneously turning the wood into perfect planks. And judging from a pile of split logs that Yoko had instinctively ducked behind, that wasn't the only type of wood he was producing.

There was only a single sane conclusion that could be drawn from the dugong's actions.

"FAIRY GODPARENTS!"

Yoko whipped her notepad out and started fiercely scribbling in it. "'Smelly Blubberbutt is… denuding island… of trees… for spare wood for their ship… and to keep us from rebuilding… after they take everything…'" Peeking up and grimacing out of disgust, she continued. "'Also super smelly… chemical warfare, maybe…'"

With that noted down, she left the area, her vendetta against that particular member of the crew keeping her more focused on defacing her sketch of the dugong rather than where she was going, up until a familiar voice broke her out of her haze.

"Look, I'm grateful for what you've done, but for the love of syrup, _why the cannons?!"_

Dreading what she would see, Yoko slowly turned and started jogging towards the façade of Luigia's house—not a mansion no matter how much the old woman insisted otherwi—!

Yoko skidded to a halt and stared up in awe.

Correction… it wasn't a façade anymore. It wasn't even a _house_ anymore.

No, Luigia's… dwelling was now a true, sprawling mansion in resplendent brick and glass. From her admittedly hazy memory of the few photographs Luigia had managed to get of the original, it looked mostly accurate.

'Mostly' being the operative term. The two stone turrets sprouting from corners of the mansion and bristling with cannons, Yoko knew she would have remembered from the pictures. She squinted at the structures, but from what she could tell, they looked authentic. _And_ it looked like they were complete, to boot!

Though, the manor itself was still in the process of being constructed, as currently said manor's apparent owner and its apparent builders were clustered around the side of the building, near a gazebo that was halfway completed. And one of the figures was responding to Luigia's protests.

"'I'm Franky, _super!_ shipwright extraordinaire! I can build anything!' Yeah, sure! You're the best! You also can't resist putting cannons in _every damn thing you build!_ " the long-nosed sniper, Usopp, shouted in exasperation.

"I'll keep telling you, these guys need better defenses in case the worse kind of pirates show up," said pompadour'd cyborg shipwright stated, not looking up from his work.

"If you want to build us a militia or a garrison or a fortress or whatever, fine, by all means!" Luigia griped, throwing her hands up as she stomped furiously on the pile of planks she'd gotten onto so that she could be at the pirate's height. "But save that for the cove, not the highest hill where my house is!"

"With these cannons!?" Franky boggled at the senior citizen as though she'd gone mad. "This is the best place for it!"

"But—!"

"Sorry, but that's our shipwright for you," the shipgirl helmsgirl, Merry, sighed with a fond tone and smile from where she sat next to the oldest woman on the island, her legs swinging lazily. "Stubborn to the point that not even having his coconuts crushed will change his mind. Buuut, if we really need to, I could go find Robin."

"GAH!" The shipwright crossed his legs with a panicked yelp. "Please don't!"

Luigia cocked her eyebrow at the reaction, and then she hung her head with a sigh. "Oh, never mind. If nothing else, it'll make a nice conversation starter…" Her demeanor then softened as she looked up at her newly acquired manor. "Seriously, though, I just can't thank you brats enough! I mean, to live in a manor, _the_ manor like this… this is literally my dream coming true here!"

Usopp perked up instantly, smiling proudly as he rubbed a finger beneath his nose. "Not a problem! I was a bit iffy at first, but in the end, it was the right thing to do! After all, we need to stick together, we lia— _ACK!"_

"Shut. _IT!"_ Luigia growled venomously as she clamped her hands over the sniper's mouth.

"And as for us, our reasons are easy too!" Merry raised her hand eagerly. "I just wanted to see my maker's and old mistress's home, and Franky wanted a challenge! His speed made it all a bit anticlimactic, sure, but you can't deny he gets results!"

"Mm, that he does…" Luigia nodded approvingly, before side-eyeing the structure Franky was working on. "Though it does beg the question as to why _this_ is taking so long? What, is it gonna get up and eat people or something?"

"But of course!" Usopp proclaimed, puffing his chest out with grandiose pride. "After all, it's only natural! Gazebos are vicious, bloodthirsty creatures! They're difficult to tame, but once you manage it, they're loyal for life! Neat, huh?"

Yoko stiffened at those words, and hastily scribbled in her notebook. "Planting… vicious attack gazebo… within defenses…"

Luigia, however, merely gave the sniper a decidedly unimpressed look. "Kid, what part of my wrinkly, liver-spotted ass looks like it was born yesterday?"

Usopp flinched before smiling sheepishly. "Ah… so you knew I was lying?"

"He was _lying!?"_ Yoko hissed to herself in shock, pondering the revelation for a second before hastily scribbling out her latest note with a blush on her cheeks.

"Heheh, yeah, that's Usopp for you: Great at telling tales and sniping… not so much at lying convincingly," Merry snickered. She then ignored Usopp's indignant spluttering in favor of shooting a curious look at Franky. "Though there is a good point raised: Why _didn't_ you complete this thing in a flash?"

"What are you, nuts?!" Franky reeled back from his companion as though she'd blasphemed during a Sunday service. "Merry, please! This is a _gazebo!_ You don't just _rush_ one of these things, it's not right! No, you take your _time_ , you work it with finesse and subtlety. There's a lot of art to making one of these, you know."

"…of course, what was I thinking." The second the cyborg got back to work, Merry spun her finger around her temple with her tongue stuck out the corner of her mouth.

Meanwhile, a ways away, Yoko's brows were practically attempting to merge as she tried to puzzle out why the pirates would be doing something as seemingly altruistic as building an old lady a mansion.

And then it hit her like a bolt from the blue, prompting Yoko to snap her fingers and adopt a disgusted look as she scribbled the realization into her notebook. "Wiling… their way… into Old Lady Luigia's will… to steal her fortune."

Nodding firmly, the young do-gooder moved on from the mansion. She didn't get very far before a scream of terror in a familiar voice assaulted her ears.

"Mendo!" Yoko hissed, sprinting for the dojo.

Yoko wasn't sure what she expected to find at the dojo, though a series of increasingly lurid slaughterhouse visions led her to assume the worst. Worse, a part of her mind—a part she was _really_ trying her best to ignore—was loudly proclaiming that such a scene would be good, since it was a surefire way to convince the mayor.

When she arrived, however, she was rather relieved to see that Mendo was alive. Though bemusement overpowered that relief, as both he and the Straw Hats' green-haired swordsman, Zoro if she remembered correctly, were currently all but mummified in bandages, and a pint-sized bipedal reindeer was pacing before them as he stared down the dojo's students, who were all sitting seiza and regarding him intently.

"Now, let's review," the reindeer—Chopper, that's what his name was!—stated, holding up his hoof. "For a minor closed wound, what's the right treatment?"

One of the boys slowly raised his hand. "Uh… ice on the skin for twenty minutes?" he said tentatively. Chopper frowned, and he hastened to amend. "Uh, I mean, with a cloth between the skin and the ice!"

"Good. And?" Chopper asked, pointing to another apprentice, who froze.

"A-Ah… bind it tight? B-But take it off if it looks like it's doing more harm than good?" he stammered.

"Exactly." The pirate nodded in confirmation. "What else?"

"If you can, prop the injury up so the blood doesn't flow?" another student ventured.

"And what's the most important part?" This time, Chopper turned to glare at his crewmate.

"Rest the injury, don't aggravate it," Zoro said through gritted teeth.

"But what's _also_ an important part of maintaining good health?" So said, the Zoan turned his attention on the other bandage-mummy.

"Uhh…" Mendo glanced away sheepishly as he used what little mobility his plaster-covered arms granted him to scratch at his cheek. "Don't do something stupid like challenging someone way above your weight class in a spar?"

"Or in _simpler_ terms?"

Mendo hung his head in defeat. "Don't be an idiot and get hurt in the first place?"

"Precisely," Chopper nodded, clapping his hooves. "Anyways, that's basic first aid for minor muscle strains, and if you have trouble remembering it, just think RICE: Rest, Immobilization, Cold, Elevation. And what do you do for major muscle strains?"

"Call a doctor," the students said together.

"Preferably one who's _sane,"_ the pirate swordsman muttered under his breath.

"Sane doctors don't do well with insane patients," Chopper shot back, his eye twitching slightly as his hoof inched towards his pack. "Wanna see how we deal with the _rowdier_ ones?"

"Shutting up!"

"Huh…" Yoko muttered as she took in one of the pirates apparently teaching the students first aid. Still, it wasn't too hard to divine the purpose to this whole charade: Mendo and the green-haired swordsman must have really gotten into a spar, which was a bit odd for the former, but oh well.

"Testing… our best… defenders…" she quickly scribbled down, though she also noted down the mnemonic that the reindeer had said. Good info was good info, no matter the source (the irony of her avoiding the SBS didn't occur to her). Once she was done, she moved on from the dojo, frowning as she considered where else the pirates could be.

"The library!" she exclaimed, several nearby villagers sending her odd looks. "They'd want be trying to get all the information they can on us!"

So saying, Yoko turned on her heel and jogged towards the building, scanning around for other pirates as she did so. She was almost to the building when something out of the corner of her eye caught her interest. She slowed to a stop, and for a moment, she considered pretending she hadn't seen what she knew she had. Ultimately, duty overruled sanity, so she gritted her teeth and turned to take in the impossible sight before her.

Despite that determination, she still blinked several times, trying desperately not to believe what she was seeing. But unfortunately, the group of library books that had sprouted human feet and were walking single file into the woods did not vanish in a puff of logic. As such, Yoko had no choice but to sigh, close her eyes and count to ten while silently reminding herself that she was in the Grand Line. She knew about Devil Fruits. She knew about strange things. _This was entirely possible._

None of that made her feel any better.

' _At least they're not heading towards that smellyhead,'_ Yoko mused to herself as she followed the waddling books into the woods.

Away from the fake-Boss's impromptu saw mill, as it turned out, was towards a relatively recent addition to the village: the Grove of Unusual Animals. The Marine-girl hastily hid behind one of the trees surrounding the area, and she tried not to frown again (it was starting to give her a headache) at the sight of three of the female pirates standing within the grove. She wasn't able to stop a grimace, though, as she took in the angelic wings on one of them, and the former royal state of the other. How could pirates corrupt even the most wonderful people?

Then again, the image before her provided a decent answer: all three of the pirates were looking over the animals and reacting like any animal lover would, cooing over the cubs, hatchlings, or whatever else they were. The angel and princess were both cuddling the cuter animals, and the giant duck alongside them was preening as he lorded his size over the other birds in the grove's pond.

The source of the walking books, on the other hand, was leaning against a nearby tree with a book in hand. Beside her was a steadily growing stack of books, and through the foliage Yoko spotted a hand sprouted out of the ground on the other side of the tree, out of sight of the other pirates and tickling a pig-pug… pug-pig? A dog-faced piglet. Whatever it was, it had a face that would send even a mother screaming the other direction.

"Ooooh, these little guys are so _cute!"_ the blue-haired ex-princess, Nefertari Vivi, squeed as she held up a turtle-duck and nuzzled its adorable beak. "It's like when Carue was a duckling all over again, all downy and adorable! No offense, Carue."

"None taken!" the duck, Carue apparently, replied. "Ah'm nawt adowable anymoah, but that's just because Ah'm badass now!"

"When you're not acting the coward and panicking, of course," the reading woman, Nico Robin, chuckled in a teasing tone, which drew an angered squawk and a bout of flapping from the duck.

Vivi snickered, most likely at her crewmates' antics, before giving the angel—Conis—a curious look. "What about Su, Conis? Was she this cute when she was younger?"

"Hm?" Conis glanced up from where she was dangling a foxtail over a fish-tailed cat-fish that was batting at the fern from within the pond. "Oh! Yes, she was, maybe even more! Just about the most _adorable_ little ball of cotton you'd ever seen!" The angel glanced around the glade before puffing her cheeks out. "Now if only Su were around to be properly embarrassed…"

"Oh?" Vivi glanced around, starting in surprise as she noticed what was missing. "Hey, where _is_ Su?"

"Oh, I saw her wandering off about… a half hour ago, I think?" Conis shrugged indifferently. "It's fine, she does this all the time. She'll be back when she feels like it. I just hope she's having fun!"

Yoko frowned at the information, and she toyed with the idea of jotting it down, but dismissed the notion with a shake of her head. After all, it was just one fox. What kind of trouble could the dumb animal get into?

 **-o-**

Out on one of the rocky outcroppings that formed the island of Little East Blue's 'mandibles', a seagull was perched on the water-worn stone. Well, a lot of seagulls were perched on the water-worn stone, but this one was unusual. Mostly, it was the fact that it was wearing a trenchcoat, fedora and a pair of too-large sunglasses. Or maybe that it had its beak buried in a newspaper. Still, despite how much it stood out from the rest of the flock, it was still anonymous to the casual eye by dint of its apparel obscuring any distinguishable features.

Then again, it was a seagull. What were 'distinguishing features' for its kind might as well not exist in many other species' eyes.

Regardless, the seagull continued to casually read its newspaper, unflinching as waves broke against the outcropping and lightly misted it with saltwater, and unmoved as a small shadow trotted up from behind him and sat at his side, sending seagulls skyward in a cacophony of caws.

For several minutes, Su pointedly kept her gaze away from the seagull, her attention on the horizon. Suddenly, she asked, "How's the 'catch of the day'?" in a casual tone, as though the two animals had been discussing the weather since her arrival.

The seagull ruffled its feathers slightly, attention still fixed on its paper. "Still 'medium-rare' at this time, but…" The bird glanced at the fox from over the paper. "If the madam allows, the chef can have it as close to 'well done' as possible with time."

If the way the cloud fox snarled and snapped her head around to full on glare at the bird, that was the exact wrong thing to say. "Tell the chef to hurry," she warned him. "Or else my tastes will turn to a more…" She lunged forward and pinned the gull's tail feathers under her paw, so fast he couldn't even _flinch._ " _Avian_ variety."

The incognito News Coo swallowed heavily and hastily nodded his desperate understanding. "S-S-So noted, I'll inform the chef at once." The second Su let his feathers go, the Coo tossed the paper into the ocean and flapped off as though its tail feathers were on fire.

Su watched the bird fly off before turning away and trotting back to the island-proper, an annoyed sigh escaping her lips. "So hard to find good help these days…"

 **-o-**

Putting thoughts of the fox out of her mind, Yoko pulled out her notebook again and scribbled down the obvious reason the pirates were here. "Scoping out… unusual animals… for poaching… and black market sale…" After a moment of consideration, she added another note. "Possible… morale boosting… effort…"

Her recon complete, Yoko spared a half-moment to give the animals a determined look, silently vowing that she'd see the adorable animals rescued from the pirate's heinous clutches, before she turned around and made a beeline for the village, intent on discovering what other nefarious schemes the pirates had in store.

 **-o-**

"She's gone," Robin reported. "Honestly, you'd think if she were taking the time to form a vendetta against us she'd also take the time to learn our capabilities. Ah, and just to clarify, she was apparently unfazed by our innocuous behavior. Apparently, we are planning to poach and sell these adorable creatures to the highest bidder."

"Oh, what terrifying fiends we are," Vivi deadpanned.

"Well, we could hardly expect it to be _that_ easy," Conis sighed. "It's times like this that make me miss the lack of overt discrimination that we had on Skypiea."

"Washn't that onwy because of how hawd it was foah anyone down hewe to adapt to sky wahfayah?" Carue asked.

Conis blinked at the duck in confusion. "Uh… I'm sorry, what was that last word, Carue?"

The supersonic duck grumbled something under his breath and then glanced skyward. "Tone it down a nahtch, would ya? And I said 'warfare'."

"Ah, yes. That probably did help, from what I learned in training."

"Either way, we'll leave that mess to the ones who can actually clean it up," Vivi said. "In the meantime…" she stood up and brushed her dress off before walking over to her older crewmate. "Robin, I've been meaning to ask you something for a while."

The archaeologist glanced up from her book and hummed a curious hum. "Hmm?"

"How hard was it for you to learn to read the Poneglyphs?"

Robin blinked twice, her whole body twitching slightly. Slowly, very slowly, she closed her book, eyes staring vaguely in Vivi's direction but really off into the distance. "I… will need a second."

"Ah, i-if that's a bad question—!"

"No, no, nothing like that," Robin assured, pausing to take a deep breath and pull herself together. "It's just, ah…" She gave the princess a sheepish smile. "You are… _literally_ the first person to ask me that. I… I need to think about my answer."

Vivi nodded flashed Robin a sympathetic smile, stepping up to sit next to her. "Please, take your time."

Robin nodded absentmindedly. Her gaze remained unfocused for a bit longer as she mouthed a few calculations, and then she turned her full, somewhat unsettling attention to the princess.

"It took me roughly two years to learn, and that was with my already phenomenal IQ and… plenty of free time. The Void Language is not an easy tongue to learn. The alphabet is incomparable to any modern lexicon, and their grammar is… circuitous, to say the least, with as much emotional connotation involved in translation as clinical denotation. It's a feat, to say the absolute least."

Vivi nodded slowly, giving the Oharan a contemplative look out the corner of her eye. "Save that that was from first principles with limited reference information, in hiding, and nobody helping you, right?"

Robin nodded her head side to side, humming contemplatively. "Yes, I suppose you have a point there…" She then chuckled and glanced over at Vivi with a curious smile. "But why do you ask? Were you interested in learning the language for yourself?"

Robin's chuckling intensified at that, only to die a swift death when Vivi failed to make a sound. Eyes wide, she grabbed the princess' shoulder.

"This is the part where you tell me that that notion is entirely ridiculous, _which it is,"_ Robin said in a tone of voice that was more fearfully desperate than threatening.

Vivi's expression was pointedly neutral at first. Then it changed to solid determination as she fully faced the archaeologist.

"No, it isn't," she whispered solemnly. "You're exactly right. I want you to teach me the language of the Void Century…" Vivi's composure shook slightly, but she a steady inhalation restored it. "And I want you to teach me using the Alubarna Poneglyph."

The inscrutable Nico Robin paled in shock and horror. It wasn't a full-on sheet-white pale, but any shift in her expression was dramatic. The furrows her fingers dug in her book's leather hide spoke volumes, too.

"Vivi, that information—!" she started to protest in a weak voice.

"That information is my _heritage,"_ Vivi interrupted in a heated, almost desperate tone of voice, her expression taking on a pleading demeanor. "And I don't just mean my heritage as a person born in this world, I mean _me,_ _personally._ My _ancestors_ were in the dead center of whatever the hell happened 800 years ago, and they had that stone in our family's _crypt._ And what was written on it…"

Vivi paused, biting her lip, and shook her head. "My ancestors… they knew. They _knew_ , they _had_ to know what they'd taken custody of, what they dedicated themselves to protecting, until the end of their lives, and even after _that."_ Her gaze returned to Robin, eyes blazing. "And I want to have that knowledge, too. I want to know what was worth the lives of my countrymen. Mine… and yours. I want to know the knowledge of what happened in that lost century, what my ancestors did. I want to know what was so horrific that the government _my ancestors_ helped found decided to kill an entire island to erase it. I…" Vivi trailed off helplessly before bowing her head. "I-I _need_ to know. And I'll do whatever it takes to learn. So, please…"

Nefertari Vivi, Corsair Princess of Alabasta and descendant of one of the Twenty Kings who had founded the World Government, got on her knees and bowed her head before Nico Robin, the Devil Child of Ohara who posed one of the greatest existential threats _to_ said government, and spoke blasphemy.

"Teach me the Void Language," she pleaded. "I beg of you."

Robin did not respond for a few moments. And ultimately, it was neither she nor Vivi who broke the silence.

"Actually… I'd like to know, too."

Devil Child and Corsair Princess both snapped their heads around to stare at…

"Conis!?" they chorused in disbelief.

The Skypiean bit her lip and shuffled nervously at the attention, but she still nodded an affirmative. "I'm sorry if this is out of place, but the war that shaped all of Skypiea's culture for the past four hundred years… I thought it was over the vearth, and on my ancestors' part, it was…"

She wrung her hands and looked to the side sadly. "But I talked to the Shandians during the victory party. And the whole reason that they fought for so long was to safeguard the Poneglyph in the Fire of Shandora. I may have only recently learned of the Void Century, but it's as much a part of my life as it has been yours, even if it was for a completely different reason."

Conis stepped forward and looked Robin in the eye, her earlier nervousness gone. "So many people suffered for so long for a single stone… and I want to know why. I want to know what was so important, I want to know why it existed to begin with, I want to know it all. So I'm sorry if this is forward…" Conis bowed as low as she could. "But I have to learn why, and to learn I need your help. So… please…"

Robin didn't move, didn't even _blink_ , just staring incredulously at her two crewmates. This lasted for several seconds… and as those seconds stretched into minutes, Vivi and Conis exchanged looks. Silently coming to an agreement, Conis stood, planning to snap Robin out of her stupor.

Then, all at once, Robin burst out laughing.

"DERESHISHISHISHISHISHISHI! DERESHISHISHISHISHISHISHI!"

And this laugh wasn't like Robin's previous, if still genuine, bouts of laughter. Those, for all their sincerity, were still mild and controlled, easily muffled by a hand and closed jaw. This bout had Robin bent over, both hands clutching her gut and another pair sprouted from the tree she was leaning against holding her up. Tears streamed from her eyes, and if it went on much longer they'd probably be running from her nose. And a six-inch dragonfly could have flown in her mouth with room to spare, let alone a common housefly.

"Dereshishishi! Not just one, but _two_ people asking me, of their own free will, to teach them the Void Language for the genuine pursuit of knowledge!" Robin giggled with ecstatic mirth. "And I honestly consider those same two people my _friends!_ Ahh…" She wiped a wistful tear from her eye. "Life as a Straw Hat will never fail to reach new heights."

The would-be students perked up eagerly.

"So does this mean—?" Vivi queried.

Robin nodded at the princess, a hint of steel entering her gaze. "I warn the both of you: if you undertake this task, it will be like nothing you have ever experienced. I will not merely teach you, I will hold you to the standards of Ohara. I will work your eyes until they are little more than shriveled husks and drill your minds as they have never been drilled before. I caution you!" She stared at them with the utmost seriousness. "There will be pop quizzes. Are you truly prepared to live up to the standards of the greatest academic institution in the West Blue, if not the world?"

"Absolutely," Vivi said at once, her being brimming with confidence. Conis took a moment longer to nod firmly.

"Excellent! Then in that case," Robin said, an earnest smile on her face. "Let's begin!"

Without warning, simultaneous impacts to the backs of Vivi and Conis' legs brought the women to their knees, and in the same second they found their arms locked behind their backs and their heads yanked to attention.

"What the—!?" Conis exclaimed as Robin's expression contorted into an expression of childish bliss.

"Ohhh, this is going to be so much _fun!"_ Both women straight-up _froze_ with existential dread as Robin actually _squeed_ with enthusiasm, a notebook suddenly in her hand with a pencil in the other scribbling furiously in it. "I just need to jot down what we'll be starting on, and I can update my lesson plan when we get back to the Sunny!"

"H-H-How do you haf a wesson pwan if you nevah thought you'd be teaching anyone?" Carue stammered out.

"Why, I've had this lesson plan since I was a little girl, of course!" Robin replied, a perfectly sunny aura surrounding her as she continued to write. "I've always wanted students of my own, whom I could groom and teach and help mature into _wonderful_ archaeologists! Every young scholar's dream!"

Vivi paled as the pieces all came together. "Oh, dear sweet Horus, we're her _dollies,"_ she squeaked.

Conis glanced at Carue in terror. " _Help!"_

The supersonic duck took _one_ look at the _humming_ archaeologist before affixing the newly minted students with a flat look. "Yeeeaaah… you two bwought this on yoahselves, and wheah Vivi is concewned, my job descwiption expwicitwy excwudes pwotection fwom tutahs. And on that note!" The pond exploded with displaced water as the duck shot away.

" _Traitor…"_ Vivi sobbed tearfully.

"Lesson one!" Robin suddenly announced, smiling brightly as she flipped the notepad so that her students could see. "Basic forms of the characters. I expect you to pay close enough attention that you'll have no less than half of it done within the next five hours. Perhaps then we can take a break for dinner. Isn't that great?"

So far out in the woods, nobody could hear the girls' pleas for mercy. Well, nobody except a certain cloud fox, who immediately perked up and lost her bad mood upon hearing the sound.

"That sounds like Conis," she mused. "Maybe I should go check on her." As she considered that, her survival instincts fairly _screamed_ at her to stay away. "On second thought, maybe I should go find someone else to bother…"

 **-o-**

"I guess this is supposed to be flattery?" Perona deadpanned, looking at the haircuts and shirts of the four adolescents she and Nami had reluctantly followed into the island's cave system at their… _enthusiastic_ insistence. "This _is_ still the 'attraction' stage, right?"

"I wouldn't know," Nami replied with surprising calm. "I spent most of my adolescence _away_ from teenage boys."

"Lucky."

Nami gave her… she would be generous and term the spirit a 'friend' a flat look. "Because all through puberty, I was a slave in all but _chains_ to the bastard who killed my mother."

Perona had the good grace to cough heavily in her fist and avert her gaze so that she was looking anywhere _but_ at the navigator. "…my condolences?"

The Straw Hat maintained her flat look for a few seconds more before raising her hands in a dismissive shrug. "It's fine, it's fine, you couldn't have known." Perona's guilt alleviated, she turned back to the four boys who, quite admirably, were visibly suppressing their excitement in light of what they'd just heard. "Same for you guys. Now, are we almost where you wanted to show me something?"

The members of the—Nami hid her grimace with expert ease—Orenami Fan Club all perked up at the reminder of why they were there, and picked up their pace. "Just a little farther, Lady Nami! Right around here!"

The four of them rounded another few columns before coming to a stone structure covered by a large sheet. Both women looked with a bit of apprehension as the boys, with a flourish, removed the cloth. Then they blinked.

It was an intricately carved, life-sized statue of Nami, apparently going off of the image on her wanted poster. The sunny but mischievous smile on her face, the tattoo on her shoulder, the revealing clothes, even the Clima-Tact and clouds were all carved with all the skill that the navigator would expect of an artist like Usopp.

"Oooookay, screw attraction, _this_ is obsession…" Perona whistled. She then glanced at the subject of the teenager's 'admiration'. "Hold off on the lightning till I'm out of the line of fire. I don't know how that stuff affects my astral projection, and I don't _want_ to know."

"Mmm…" Nami mused with a slight frown, her Eisen Tempo shifting around and her fingers playing with the other sections of her Clima-Tact.

And then, the cloud stilled and she brought her other hand up to cup her chin as she observed the statue. "To be honest… I don't really mind this. It's actually kind of flattering."

Perona straight up boggled at the pirate, her incredulous " _Really!?"_ syncing up with the teenagers' eager remix.

"Well, sure," Nami nodded kindly, walking up and giving the statue an appreciative once-over. "It's a skillfully rendered version of me at my most badass, why _wouldn't_ I like it? It's so good… you know what?" She clapped her hands and beamed at the nearly swooning fan club. "I think I wouldn't mind autographing this! Free of… of…" Nami trailed off, her mouth working but no sound coming out. Grimacing, she coughed into her fist and held her hand out, a blush staining her cheeks. "Five hundred berries for the autograph. For all four of you."

"Worth every bit!" one of them declared, counting out the bills and laying them in her palm.

"What, no pencil?" Perona snarked.

"Of course not!" another member of the club snorted pridefully. "Lady Nami is the world-class navigator who'll chart the world! She has a writing implement on her at all times!"

Nami smiled and blushed bashfully as she confirmed the words by drawing a pencil from her back pocket. "These boys have my number, alright." And with that, she signed her name on the statue's un-tattooed shoulder with a flourish. She then stepped back so that the fan club could admire it. "Enjoy, boys!"

And enjoy they did, crowding around the statue and admiring the signature with glee. Nami, for her part, stood back and watched with an inflating sense of pride while Perona floated off, her interest in the ongoing spectacle expended.

"We actually got an autograph from Lady Nami! _The_ Lady Nami!"

"Do you think the island'll have good weather all the time now? I bet it will!"

"I told you guys showing her this would be awesome, I _told_ you!"

"Good thing she didn't find the other one, huh?"

And with that one line, everyone in the cavern froze up.

After a moment, Nami said "'Other one'?", one brow climbing towards her hairline.

The teenager who'd spoken winced miserably. "Whoops…"

" _Duuuuude."_

"Yeaaah, about that…" Perona droned.

Seeing the expression on her face, Nami followed the pink-haired woman's gaze to where, tucked into an alcove of the cave, there was _another_ statue. This statue had two main differences from the one on the pedestal: first, it was by all appearances a _nude_ statue, though thankfully without much anatomical detail… and second, the face looked like one of _Luffy's_ paintings.

She honestly wasn't sure which was worse.

"Some fans you've got here," Perona deadpanned.

"Boys?" Nami asked tightly, her Eisen Tempo starting to writhe, though it still maintained its white coloration.

The boys' survival instincts promptly showed their worth, as they immediately fell to their knees, pressed their foreheads to the stone, and began pleading for forgiveness.

"We're so sorry, Lady Nami!"/"We couldn't get it right the first time, so we succumbed to our whims!"/"We swear we didn't mean any offense!"/"Please forgive us!"

Nami glared at them for a few moments longer before turning on her heel with a huff. "Because the final draft is this good, I'll let you off this _once_. And I expect you to destroy that abomination ASAP."

The teenagers all sighed in relief.

"Thank you most merciful Lady Nami!"/ "You are a goddess!"/ "We're the luckiest bastards alive!" /"It's a _really_ good thing she didn't find the rest!"

And _hello_ freeze again.

Perona shoved her fingers in her ears with a defeated sigh. "Oh, this is going to be _loud."_

" _DUDE!"_

Before the other three teens could lambast their friend, all four were frozen by the reek of ozone suddenly ramming its way into their nostrils.

Shivering in terror, the boys returned their attention to Nami, to find that not only was she trembling and scowling with fury and not only had she deployed her Clima-Tact to its full length, but her Eisen Tempo was looming over them all like a tempest born of hell itself.

"' _The rest'?"_ Nami repeated in a frigid tone.

"I'd say it was nice knowing you boys, but…" Perona trailed off as she slowly backed out of the zone of fire.

"' _THE REST!?'"_

The flickering lights from her clouds served to illuminate another alcove. And this one had at least a dozen statues in it. And while the face improved steadily with each one… every last one of them was nude, with the craftsmanship of the chest and pelvic regions particularly impeccable.

And the instant that Nami comprehended that sight, the boys' world became light, sound, and _pain._

 _ **-o-**_

Yoko blinked rapidly, trying to get rid of the spots in her eyesight as fast as possible. It had been a long time since she had been on her father's ship, since she had dealt with an assault on her eardrums like a cannon going off beside her. Too long, judging by the fact that her ears were ringing as badly as the first time she remembered, but going by how she could almost feel the latent charge crackling in her clothes, the endurance would have been something of a cold comfort even if she still had it.

"Any comments, Perona?"

Yoko hastily silenced a curse, pressing herself further behind the stalagmite she'd been using as cover as she watched the pirates pass by. The one who'd spoken was the ginger, whose mood was still quite stormy.

The girl took a second to muffle a snicker at her pun before listening in as the ghost girl gave her reply in a faux-pleasant voice.

"…Well, off the top of my head, I wanna say that this isn't normally what they mean by the 'destruction' stage, but—!" The ghost girl trailed off into a coughing fit as the weather-woman's cloud started to darken. "Ah, I mean, no, no comment."

Yoko's eyes twitched at the exchange, and she waited for the pair to pass before doubling back to check the stretch of cavern she'd evacuated.

Within a minute, she reached the scene of the carnage. She took in the charred, still-groveling forms of the four adolescents. She took in the stretch of cavern that had almost certainly been magnetized from the lightning and the rubble that had once been finely carved stone. She glanced back in the direction of the pirates who were stalking off, obviously responsible for the devastation and clearly devoid of remorse.

And, once she'd taken it all in, she shook her head as she calmly tore the page she'd been working on out of her notebook and threw it away. As much as she hated to admit it, in this case the fact that that cloud woman, Nami, was a pirate didn't matter. What she had done was a fair reaction from any decent member of their gender, and Yoko herself was honestly happy with the results. Even ignoring the fact that the boys had been obsessing over a _pirate_ , that level of interest in _anyone_ was just… creepy!

Ugh. _Boys._

 **-o-**

Meanwhile, as they walked out of the cave system, Perona and Nami glanced at one another.

"So," Nami started politely. "How'd you realize she was there?"

Perona gave her parasol a polite twirl. "A decade of experience recon-ing a dank and dark hole," she answered, along with another twirl. "You?" Twirl.

The navigator spun her finger in the air. "Air currents. I can't read too much, but a little girl a few feet away is child's play."

"Impressive."

"You too."

 **-o-**

A half hour later, Yoko found herself skulk— _infiltrating!_ She was _infiltrating_ the less visible parts of the Little East Blue's only and spread-out population center, maintaining her stealth so as to better observe the interlopers in her home.

Yoko was quite pleased with herself, if she was being honest. She'd already gathered copious amounts of evidence against almost all of the pirates, evidence that was _sure_ to show everyone just how dangerous these pirates were, and how they needed to get them off their island and sunk to the bottom of the sea _yesterday._

Still, as good as what Yoko had right now was, she still felt she could do _better._ If she wanted to do this and do it right, she'd need to peg the whole crew, every last one, to a T. She was already well underway, thankfully enough; after all, she'd even managed to start with the cap—!

Every curse her father and his men had ever let slip near her shot through Yoko's mind as she spun around and confirmed her worst suspicions: the windmill's blades were devoid and the Straw Hat's captain was nowhere to be seen. He'd disappeared when she wasn't looking!

"Damn it damn it _damn it!"_ Yoko spat, all notions of subtlety lost as she broke out into a dead run. She had-had- _had_ to find that pirate, and fast! He was the leader of the bunch, so if he decided to start anything on her watch, then it was on _her_ conscience!

Her panic only intensified as she failed to find any sign of the pirate, despite running all over the village. The possibility of him going back to his ship was brought up and promptly discarded; no way was the captain going back with all his crew still scattered throughout the village. So, the question was, just where _was—?_

"No! Please! Have mercy upon this poor soul! Please, no more, _no more!_ "

Yoko's head snapped towards the Little Baratie's pond as a terrorized scream shot through the air. "Mitsuboshi!" she cursed, panic filling her veins as she ran towards the floating restaurant. Her feet thumped across the bridge to the restaurant, and she _nearly_ burst through the front doors, but at the last moment the girl's self-honed sense of stealth and self-preservation kicked in and diverted her to the nearest window. She took a moment to brace herself for a gruesome scene, and then stood to look through the glass, braced for a scene of carnage such that she hadn't seen since her father's death.

If she hadn't braced herself so much, she would have face-faulted rather than stared in flat disbelief, one eye twitching furiously.

Before Yoko's eyes, in Chef Mitsuboshi's beloved restaurant, said chef was looking rather panicked. The source of that was clear: the captain had apparently gotten tired of the windmill after a short while, and was currently sitting in the middle of the restaurant, clinking together a knife and fork and grinning widely, a large stack of dirty plates already right next to him. The sharp-dressed pirate chef was also there, a hand on Mitsuboshi's shoulder that was as much comforting as it was dragging him along to the kitchen.

"'Eating all of our food'," she growled, carving the words into her notepad. She glanced back up into the restaurant, and flinched.

Easily the most disturbing member of the Straw Hat Pirates, and the only one that everyone else in the village was as ignorant about as she, was also in the restaurant. The angle she was at and the fact that his back was turned hid his skinless face from the girl, thank goodness. All she could see of his deathly form were the bony fingers that held a violin, upon which he was fiddling away a tune that she couldn't quite keep herself from tapping her fingers in rhythm to.

Yet, she was having trouble determining exactly what the point of the song was; it was too upbeat to just be accompaniment for eating…

And then Mitsuboshi and the pirate chef walked back in and put new plates of food before the gorging captain, setting the dishes down to the music's tempo, and things became _far_ too clear to Yoko.

"Employing… mind control… through music…" she bit out as she barely refrained from putting her pencil through her pad. She no sooner finished writing the words down than she sprinted away, with no intention of subjecting herself to that mind control.

She shortly found herself near one of the older settlements on the island, a place known as the Dragon Shrine. The old man who lived there was apparently the brother or cousin or something of the elder from his home, Warship Island, and he offered free history lessons about the place's history and the Millennial Dragons. Yoko had stopped by the shrine a few times in the past, but the only thing she ever remembered was waking up on the floor after sleeping all day.

But seeing a familiar being in front of her, she trudged grimly up to the shrine, wondering what the fake Boss's lackeys were up to. Coming closer, she eyed the four dugongs standing before the old man as he gave his lecture, and settled in to watch whatever nefarious deeds they were committing.

Unfortunately, this also meant she had to listen to the dragon priest, but she was sure she could manage. After all, how bad could he be?

"—and so it was that in the fifth era, Miriola XII replaced his father, Miriola XI, as the high priest of the island. Five years later, his son, Miriola the XIII, was born. Three years later, a fire burned down the east dormitory, which you will recall was built by Jisro VII. Several were killed in the fire, but the most notable lives lost were those of Inzi LII, Kisa XXII, and _die filthy pirates, die die die—!_ "

"SNRK!"

Yoko snapped her head up, ripping herself out of the dream she'd been drifting into. ' _For the love of—!'_ the girl cursed silently as she wiped away what little drool she'd let slip. ' _How can a man known as a_ dragon priest _from a place known as_ Warship Island _be so damn boring!?'_

Still, in spite of the shame she felt at herself for letting her concentration slip, Yoko felt sufficiently absolved of any wrongdoing by how the dugongs hadn't moved an inch while she snoozed, and they didn't look like they were going to move at all anytime soon.

"I see, I see. So that would mean—! _Fascinating!"_ the one in the purple bandanna muttered to himself, his pencil moving so fast that smoke was wafting up from the notepad he was, by all appearances, _gleefully taking notes in_.

The blue-bandanna wearer, however, seemed to disagree, if the way he was scowling and swinging a pair of wooden boken through a series of elaborate katas was anything to go by. "It… should be… a _crime…_ for something… to be… this _boring!"_ he grit out.

And as for the final pair…

"Zzzzz…"

The other two dugongs were leaning against one another, skullplates knocking together as they blatantly and openly snored. Though… 'blatantly' was a bit of an understatement. In truth, their mouths were hanging open and literally overflowing with drool.

And if the birds that were bathing in said basins of saliva were anything to go by, they'd been that way for awhile.

Yoko stared at the scene for a few seconds longer, but that short time was enough for the Sandman to start ensnaring her mind again. Now that she was paying attention she could feel it coming, and so she slapped her cheeks a couple of times before turning on her heel and bolting away until the shrine was no longer in earshot. She looked down at the page of notes she had scribbled—

"' _The cat in the hat smells like a rat that's way too—'_ Oh for the love of—!"

—and expressed her exasperation at the nonsensical content by tearing it to pieces. She shook her head in dismissal; the worst that those blubber-butts could do with whatever they were getting out of that history lesson was lull innocent civilians to sleep, and she doubted that any pirates would have any reason to be that patient or subtle, and that went double for pirates as destructive as these.

One more skim of her notes brought a smile to her face as she saw how close her endeavor was to fruition; despite the two hiccups, she had enough evidence that she was sure they would run the pirates out of their town. Her mind filling with increasingly vindictive fantasies, Yoko resumed her run back towards town, intent on finding the… final… _pirate…_

Yoko suddenly halted in her tracks, a horrified realization sinking into the pit of her stomach. She'd run through the entire crew, she'd seen each and every last one of them, gotten dirt on them all… except for one.

The one she hated the most for insulting her father's service, the one who was the entire reason that the entire village and even Boss had been brainwashed into thinking that any pirates could be considered good people: The Voice of Anarchy, Jeremiah Cross himself.

And if she'd already run through the whole crew, then that could only leave the blonde guy she'd completely dismissed as a harmless musclehead. It was with that thought that she remembered that said man was also famous for always having a _talking snail on his shoulder!_

"STUPID, STUPID, _STUPID!"_ Yoko raged, slamming her notebook against her face repeatedly. She then spun on her heel, ready to go looking for him, only to fall flat on her face out of dizziness. Dizziness, perhaps, that came from too many blows to the head?

"Stupiiiiid…" she groaned.

The young girl spent the next minute or so getting her head re-centered. That done, she slowly climbed to her feet and began to look, picking up speed as fast as she went, and straining her eyes and ears while trying to narrow down the search a bit. She'd checked the library, the dojo, the windmill, the Mini-Baratie, so where else—?

" _ **HONK-HONK!"**_

Ah, right. A talking, very _loud_ snail.

Yoko immediately made tracks towards the source of the noise, bracing herself for whatever horrors she might behold…

And was forced to fight down a _blisteringly_ strong urge to cuss out a blue storm when all she 'beheld' was the sight of the blond pirate, the loud mouth who was shattering the world, Jeremiah Cross… sitting at the table of a local café, with his snail on the tabletop across from him, a dog devouring a steak at his feet, and an _elephant_ of all things sitting to the side and digging its trunk through a bowl of fruit.

Now, it should be clarified that the reason for Yoko's outrage? It wasn't entirely because of the pirate's apparently peaceful demeanor; it played a part, sure, but the lion's share of her fury came from the pirate's location for relaxation itself. The café he was offering patronage to was known as the 153's Pride. It was named after the 153rd Marine Branch of Shell Island, and it was run by a Marine who'd left active duty and come to live out his glory years in the Little East Blue.

So, basically, the pirate was sitting at a café whose flag-adorned wall blatantly announced the establishment's affiliation, and the owner, who was one of Yoko's _best friends on the island besides Boss,_ was standing next to said pirate's table, clearly ready to take his order, though he _was_ looking at the snail with clear confusion.

"I think," Jeremiah Cross informed the owner, an eyebrow cocked at his snail. "That that translates to him wanting a hard-boiled egg, which we will not be having as I will not be paying for anything more than lettuce for this joker."

" _FINE BY ME,"_ the snail grumbled, rolling his eyes. " **FOR SOME REASON,** _ **that gag wasn't as fresh**_ **as it could have been."**

"Heheh, of course," the elderly Marine chuckled kindly. "So, to confirm… lettuce for the snail, French toast, sausages and hot chocolate for you?"

"And another rib-eye for me!" the dog barked eagerly, lapping up the last of the juices on his plate.

"And an even bigger hole in my pocket for me…" the pirate lamented. "Least I'm not in debt anymore…"

"Don't worry, son, you won't be with me either," the old Marine reassured the pirate. "And before you protest, one of the first things your captain did after going to sea was doing good by the 153rd. As far as I'm concerned, any Straw Hat who eats here has had their tab paid ten times over…" He then grimaced reluctantly. "So long as that Straw Hat isn't Luffy himself, I mean. I'm generous, but I don't want to be bankrupted, either."

"Yeah, that's more than fair," Cross replied, waving the owner off. "In that case, thanks, the order you gave me will be just fine."

"Alright, I'll get right on that. You boys hang tight!" And with that, the old Marine went back into his establishment.

Once the old man was gone, the elephant chuckled and glanced over at the happily panting hound. "Eesh, you want to slow down there, Lassoo? You're starting to match Luffy steak for steak in terms of appetite!"

"HAHA! _He's right,_ **you know!"** Soundbite cackled. " **We might be loaded,** _ **but the saying is 'FAT CAT',**_ _NOT 'FAT DOG'!"_

"Stick and stones might break my bones, but I'll eat them _and_ your words any day!" Lassoo shot back at his fellow animals. "This diet isn't anything new, it's _normal_ for me! And just so we're clear here, I'm not fat, I'm hefty!"

"Hmm…" Cross hummed thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "I don't think you're wrong… but I also think Funkfreed and Soundbite have a point, too."

"I'M NOT FAT, I'M HEFTY!" the dog barked.

"What happened to 'eating our words', huh?" the elephant asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Alright, alright, I was agreeing with you!" Cross backpedaled with an untroubled smile, warding off the angry mutt with his hands. "I was…" He leaned back in his seat and looked at his dog, an apparently thoughtful look on his face as he gave the canine a once over. "Just looking at it from another angle is all."

The dog, Lassoo, raised an eyebrow at Cross before laying down with a dismissive wuff.

As she watched the scene, Yoko, for the life of her, couldn't divine the nefarious purpose behind Cross's actions. He had to be up to something; he was wearing armor on his arms and legs, for crying out loud! And besides that, he was punching his right palm with his left fist, repeatedly. That screamed 'itching for a fight', but he wasn't doing anything active.

But this was Jeremiah Cross, Voice of Anarchy. He was the Plan Guy. She could concede that _some_ of the pirates were not immediately doing nefarious things, but not him! Even that talk of 'another angle' was no help. _What_ other angle?

When the answer did come to her, her spine suddenly felt like it'd been replaced by a chunk of ice. "He's operating at such a higher level…" she breathed, despair coloring her voice. "That I _can't_ figure out his plan!" That despair was promptly chased away by renewed determination. "Well, fine! Sooner or later he's going to enact his plan! I just need to follow him, and react when I need to!"

As it turned out, however, that point in time would arrive sooner than Yoko expected. Or rather, it would arrive _immediately._

Without warning, the snail, Soundbite, snapped its eyestalks to attention, an alert look suddenly on his face. Barely a second later, Cross glanced at him with his own serious expression, and slipped his earphones over his head. After a few seconds of listening, the pirate's expression darkened and he turned his gaze to his suddenly attentive pets. "Gear up," he ordered sharply.

To Yoko's shock, the dog and elephant transformed before her very eyes; the dog morphed into a titanic cannon that was only slightly larger than his original mass, while the elephant shrank into a somewhat ornate saber. And then, to her terror, Cross picked them both up, slinging the dog-cannon into a strap on his back and slotting the blade into a sheath that was on his back as well, angled opposite the cannon, and then placed his snail on his shoulder.

And finally, to her _horror,_ the pirate started walking towards the door of the café. Before she even knew what she was doing, Yoko found herself running full tilt at the pirate. She couldn't let him harm anyone, she couldn't lose anyone again, _she couldn't—!_

Cross leaned his head into the storefront. "Hey, old man!"

The slide onto her ass, a result of trying to stop fast and hide on wet grass, would probably result in grass stains. Yoko didn't care. She just strained her ears to listen.

"Yeah? What's up, kid?" she heard the owner call out.

"I, ah," Cross glanced over his shoulder before continuing. "I'm gonna need you to put my order on hold for a bit. Just 'til I get back is all."

"Eh? You goin' somewhere?"

"Just for a bit," Cross assured him. "I've got some business I've got to take care of real quick of is all. It's…" Cross glanced to the side, his finger tapping on his thigh. Yoko wasn't any expert on reading people, but even _she_ could tell when someone was lying out their ass. "It's nothing serious, should just take a second or two. Just hold off on the cooking until I get back, alright?"

"If you say so."

"Thanks!" And with that, the Straw Hat drew back from the establishment and Yoko hid herself even further behind her vantage point, prepared to bolt or scream as was appropriate as he… started walking _away_ from the town and towards the shore!?

"What the…?" Yoko breathed to herself. The Marine girl glanced around uncertainly, weighing her options. After all, for all that she was something of a fanatic, Yoko was not stupid enough to be ignorant of the risks of a young girl like her running after a pirate—especially one as dangerous as Jeremiah Cross—all on her own.

But… But if the alternative was to just stand by and do _nothing,_ to watch as a pirate ran rampant, on _her_ island, _again…_

Yoko sent a silent prayer for forgiveness to her father before sneaking after the pirate.

Thankfully, the local topography worked in the girl's favor. The short cliffs that were arrayed between the town and the shore allowed the girl to stagger out her observation without any risk of being spotted or losing sight of her quarry. And once the pursuer and pursued hit the tree line, it only got easier.

However, it was much to Yoko's surprise that her quarry _defied_ her expectations, in that rather than heading straight for the shore, the pirate suddenly stopped in the middle of the woods for no apparent reason. Cross glanced at his snail, the pair speaking too softly for Yoko to hear. Once they finished, the pirate leaned himself against a tree, his head bowed, cap tilted down to shadow his eyes, and arms crossed over his chest. He didn't move from that position, and Yoko didn't move from where she was watching him, trying to figure out what he was doing. Waiting for something, obviously… but what?

It was a minute more before she got her answer. Cross looked up from his position and raised an arm in a wave. " _¡Eh! ¡Buenos días! ¿Que pasa?"_ Despite the call being in Cross's voice, Yoko didn't see his lips move until after the call went out. Straining her ears, she caught the exchange that followed:

"I hope you didn't provoke them right away."

" **Give me a little credit!** _All I did was GREET THEM."_

Before Yoko could start to puzzle anything out, she got her answer: Footfalls, and lots of them, approaching their position.

Yoko tensed as a large group of sombrero-clad men in western outfits filtered through the trunks, led by a comparatively short luchador clad in a sombrero that was as wide as he was and a decorated poncho. All of them looked mean and were packing heat, and it didn't take long for Yoko to come to the correct conclusion. For all that, however, Cross neither flinched nor spoke. The luchador did, however.

"You… You're Jeremiah Cross, right?" the luchador questioned, giving the blond pirate a onceover. "Third mate of the Straw Hat Pirates?"

"Pfheheh, yup!" Cross grinned brightly as he thumbed up the brim of his cap. "And seeing as you already know me, it's only fair you return the favor, no?"

The other pirate chewed his lip briefly, before nodding. "Corto." He nodded his head at the mariachi-outfitted men with him. "Vice Captain of the Amigo Pirates." The newly named Corto glanced around hesitantly for a second before looking back at the armored pirate. "The ship we saw on the coast when we landed, it was yours, sí? Meaning… the rest of your crew is on this island as well?"

"Yep," Cross casually answered. "Just stopped by for a bit of shore leave on our way to Sabaody before we hopped the Line. It's a nice place, nice people. Pretty sizeable too, I'm sure they could handle catering two crews at once."

Yoko bristled viciously at whatever the hell the Straw Hat was getting at, but when the larger pirate shook his head with a dismissive grunt she shoved it down. "Nah, we're here on business, not pleasure. We've got a job to do, and it's here on this island."

One of Cross' eyebrows shifted up. "Oh? 'Zat so? Anything we could help you with? Y'know…" He tilted his head to the side slightly. "Help you get on your way without any problems?"

Corto paused, visibly weighing his options before slowly nodding. "Well… if you're offering… You seen a giant beetle anywhere 'round here?"

Yoko's whole _world_ froze, but even through her nascent panic, she still saw Cross' jaw twitch slightly, and she also heard Corto continue.

"We're not gonna hurt it or nothin', _no se preocupe,"_ the luchador assured the Straw Hat with a smile that _almost_ managed to look sincere. "It's just that it's, ah… it's _lost_ is all. Its owners lost track of it awhile back, and we're just lookin' to get it back to where it rightly belongs. So, think you can help us out?"

Cross didn't answer immediately, his arms crossed and head bowed. After a moment, he looked up and tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm, beetle, beetle… you mean a big ol' bug, about…" He held his hands apart in demonstration. "Ten tons heavy, armored to the nines, with a massive-ass horn in the middle of it's face?"

"Yeah, that's the one! You seen it?"

Yoko did her utmost best to burn a hole through Cross's skull, and she was _certain_ she would have succeeded—

"Nope!" Cross chirped, a pleasant smile on his face. "Sorry, can't help you!"

If it weren't for Cross saying _that_ , throwing both the foreigner and the local _way_ off their game.

The luchador sagged with disappointment. "So… you _haven't_ seen it?"

"Oh no, I _did_ see it," Cross clarified, his smile unflinching and his tone of voice as pleasant as ever as he raised his arms in a helpless shrug. "But I forget the details of it, and am thus incapable of helping you. So~rry~"

Apparently Corto was smarter than he looked, because from his visible fury he clearly smelled the rat that was all over Cross. "Listen, you—!"

"No, you listen."

The tension that Yoko had been feeling since entering the forest abruptly intensified as Cross's expression suddenly sobered up and he stood from the tree he'd been leaning against, his face taking on the visage of the bloodthirsty pirate she knew he really was.

"If you know what's good for you," Cross warned the Amigo's First Mate. "I'd suggest you and your pack of banditos forget about that beetle. Monster-hunting is a dangerous sport, you see. Very…" He rolled his fingers in the air. "Very _treacherous._ It's just, you never know just what beastie might get in your way and decide to tear a strip out of your hide…" Cross cocked his head to the side with a tight smile, and slid an inch of his sword's blade out of its hilt, so that it could glint in the light. "If you catch my drift."

Corto tensed at the move, eyeing the other pirate before him in disbelief and, to Yoko's surprise, more than a little trepidation. "You… You _really_ think that we're scared of you?" he grit out. "That an overhyped, big-mouthed wannabe like you can beat us?"

The Straw Hat gave the Amigo Pirates a onceover before snapping his head down with a derisive snort. "No no noooo, that's not right. See, what I _think_ is that you're little more than a fat _bully_ who's never once in his life had the guts to pick a fight with someone who could actually defend themselves."

Then, before Corto could react, Cross stepped forwards and shoved the tips of his fingers in the larger man's chest, forcing him to take a step back.

"What I _know,"_ Cross bit out venomously. "Is that I can kick your tub of lard ass right back to the shoreline and clean off this island. And something tells me that somewhere in that fat skull you're hiding behind that mask which you are _disgracing_ by wearing, you have just enough brain cells to know that if you try and do anything to me, one way or the other, you'll be spending your next few _siestas_ sipping your _horchata_ through a _wired jaw."_

"SO!" Cross barked, taking a step back from the Amigos. "I'm going to tell you this once, and _only_ once, before I get madder than I already am: do the smart thing. Forget you ever heard about that beetle…"

Out of the blue, Cross lashed his left arm out, slamming his fist into a nearby tree—

 _ **SMASH!**_

And causing everyone nearby to jump when the bark splintered readily, creating a wide crater that was almost deep enough to compromise the tree's stability.

"And get the _hell_ off this island," Cross finished coldly. "Before I _throw_ your ass off it."

The Amigo Pirates all glowered ferociously. Corto especially looked to be supremely ticked off, and _so close_ to taking a swing at Cross. But in a show of restraint atypical for people his build, the large pirate's only response was a derisive snort before he spun on his heel and marched off. His underlings glanced between him and Cross for a moment before electing it better to follow their First Mate's lead than take their chances with the Straw Hat.

A minute after the last of them had disappeared into the tree line, Cross spoke again. "Soundbite, warn the rest of the crew. The first mate looked to have half a brain, but if a captain who's so cocky he doesn't lead from the front doesn't come back to try a better assault, I'll eat a biscuit."

"YUCK," Soundbite gagged.

"Oh, yeah, and you should probably warn the village, too."

"… **was that last part** _ **to me?"**_

Yoko stiffened.

"Nah…" Cross nonchalantly replied, to the point of digging a finger into his ear. "That last part was to the person who failed to consider that listening to the SBS would give knowledge about our fighting abilities." He then glanced straight towards Yoko and her hiding spot. "Like, say, the fact that Soundbite can hear everything that goes on within a _one-mile radius_ , even if it's no louder than a heartbeat?"

Yoko abruptly remembered that all of those animals had been talking throughout her vigil, which she knew was the snail's doing…

"Or the fact that I could smell her a few meters away?" the dog-cannon added.

A dog-cannon. A _dog…_ and of course it would have the nose of a freaking bloodhound!

"You're _really_ not good at the whole clandestine thing, are you?" the sword finished flatly.

Her face red as a brick, Yoko finally hit her limit for how much bullshit she could handle, turning on her heel and bolting for the town, heedless of any attempt at stealth.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Cross grimaced at his primary partner. "IIII'm gonna guess that that all could have sounded better?"

" _Liiiiiittle_ **bit, yeah,"** Soundbite snarked. He then glanced aside. "BUT, MOVING ON FROM THAT…" The snail flicked his eyestalks at the mutilated tree. " **WHAT THE HELL WAS** _**THAT?"**_

Cross dismissed Yoko as well in favor of ghosting his fingers over the crater he'd made in the tree. "Me acting out a hunch that I'm actually surprised paid off…"

" _OKAY, LEMME TRY AGAIN:_ _**since**_ WHEN _**could you do that?"**_

"If my hunch is right?" Cross grinned eagerly as he turned and started to walk back towards Little East Blue. "Probably for awhile now."

 **-o-**

The mood inside the _Xibalba_ was at once impatient and reluctant.

On the one hand, Captain Largo was still enjoying his siesta, and everyone had had the consequences of interrupting said siesta thoroughly impressed upon them long ago, which left them waiting for him to wake up on his own. On the other hand, they weren't exactly delivering _good_ news, either, and every instant that they lingered on the island's shores after being told, _explicitly_ at that, to get the hell _out_ by one of the last crews anyone on the Grand Line wanted to piss off was an instant closer to them all getting their asses kicked seven ways from Sunday.

So great was their trepidation that Corto was actually entertaining the idea of suffering his brother's wrath if it meant they got off the island sooner, but the decision was taken out of his hands when Largo's snoring suddenly snapped off in a harsh snort.

For a full minute, the inside of the _Xibalba_ was frozen, nobody breathing, nobody even twitching.

And then every one of the Amigo Pirates save for one flinched, as that 'one' lifted his head just enough for a single eye to glare out from under his sombrero at the person who acted as his First Mate.

"I believe," Largo intoned. "I told you… to go out and get me that beetle. And that unless you had a love for pain, you had better not even _consider_ the idea of returning without it. This leaves two options. Either that beetle is both invisible and utterly silent, in which case _mis disculpas…_ or you are just _itching_ for me to introduce you to a whole new _world_ of agony. So. Tell me."

Shivers wracked the pirates as Largo slowly rose from his resting position, looming over his brother and towering over the rest, and gave him a lazy yet no less lethal glare.

"Which is it," he inquired frigidly.

It was a credit to Corto that he managed to refrain from dying on the spot of heart failure, or even show terror to his older and _seriously_ dangerous brother. Instead, he swallowed minutely (both saliva and his nerves) and met his brother's gaze. "We have a problem. Recovering the beetle has been rendered _impossible._ "

"This had better be the best explanation of your life," Largo sneered.

The heavyset luchador swallowed uncomfortably, still looking his brother in the eye even as his mask became increasingly muggy. "We are landed," he whispered in a hoarse tone. "Directly beside the _Mil Soleado."_

Those words actually got Largo to pause, and it was to the Amigos' _immense_ relief that their captain slowly sank into a sitting position on his bed. "The Straw Hat Pirates," he confirmed. "You're sure."

Corto nodded with almost frantic desperation. " _Completamente!_ I spoke with Jeremiah Cross himself, and he made it clear, in _no_ uncertain terms, that we weren't welcome on this island! The beetle is here, _sí,_ but the Straw Hats are protecting it! And before you say it, _sí,_ I could have _absolutamente_ punched the little weasel's head off his shoulders, but then I'd have gotten the whole crew down on our heads! I might be afraid of failing our employers, and I might be terrified of failing _you,_ _hermano…_ but one thing I absolutely am _not_ is _estupido_ enough to anger the pirates who _invaded Enies Lobby and lived to tell of it!"_

By the end of his diatribe, Corto was panting and staring at his brother in outright terror, silently begging him, _begging_ him, to do the right thing, and for once, let them just walk away.

And for a few glorious seconds, as Largo was thoughtfully silent, Corto felt _hope_ that that would happen.

Finally, Largo spoke. "You are right about one thing, _hermano…_ To tangle with the Straw Hats is to court disaster."

Corto let the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding slowly leak out of his nostrils, relief flooding his being.

" _But."_

And just like that, all that hope and relief turned to dread and bile.

Largo slowly rose from his bed and cast his gaze out over his crew. "We will go through with our mission nevertheless."

Terror overrode his survival instinct—or more accurately, half his survival instinct drop-kicked the other half—and Corto did the unthinkable and grasped his brother's shoulders to shake him furiously. " _¿Estás completamente loco?_ I repeat! Straw Hats! _Enies Lobby!_ We have _one_ Devil Fruit, _yours,_ and not only do they have almost half a dozen of their own, but their _unpowered_ members have managed to take out almost a dozen total ability users _on their own!_ They will chew us up and spit us out before you can even ask ' _¿Quieres leche con tu horchata?'!_ _Hermano_ , I respect you and I fear you, and I _will_ die for you… but not like this, man! Not like—"

"Corto."

The larger pirate froze under his older brother's half-lidded stare. It was a stare that he'd seen many times as they'd grown up together and had thankfully seen less and less as the years had gone by. It was a stare that screamed—

"Are you done?"

Yeah, that, only a lot less politely.

"I… think so?" Corto hesitantly squeaked, before reasoning that yes, he was indeed done. "Yeah, I'm done."

"Thank you," Largo deadpanned. "Now, you all listen to me, and you all listen _good."_

Every last sombrero-clad man nodded, facing their captain with complete and terrified attention. Largo graced them with a flat gaze before he spoke again.

"The Straw Hats are strong. Stronger than most crews, and undoubtedly stronger than us. I acknowledge this, _sí_. They are also insane, insanely lucky, and all around some of the most dangerous _pendejos_ to sail the Grand Line. This too, I acknowledge…" Largo nodded slowly, before giving them all a chilling glare. "But _you all_ must acknowledge _this:_ that if there is one man who the Straw Hats are not stronger than, it is the man whose patronage we seek. Whose favor _we_ have garnered."

The tall bandito started to pace back and forth. "That man is not merely a New World veteran. He was a contemporary, a _rival_ , of the Pirate King, Gold Roger. He was feared by Marines and Pirates alike the world over, and he _clawed_ his way out of the blackest pits of Impel Down itself, a feat never accomplished before, or after. That man…" Largo let loose a grim chuckle. "He is, without a doubt in my mind, the single strongest human being in all of _Paraíso._ And we are working _with him._ Do you truly believe that rookies like the Straw Hats, no matter _how_ strong, can stand up to _him?"_

"Yeah, sure, they'd fall before _him_ of course, _hermano!"_ Corto agreed before grimacing as he tugged at the collar of his poncho. "But we aren't him! We're just… _us!"_

" _Sí, sí_ , we're us…" Largo grinned venomously as he jabbed a thumb to his side, indicating a crate stored in the corner of the room. "And in case your memory fails you, _we_ have in our possession the trump card our benefactor left us. A means through which our victory shall be confirmed. In light of this detail… do you still think we have _any_ chances of defeat?"

Corto looked aside, thinking furiously. A good amount of the crew's fear melted away in favor of confusion and amplified respect for their captain. There were some, however, who were still nervous.

"Ah, but of course…" Largo spoke up again, apparently noticing the hesitation. "I am not without mercy. Should anyone still harbor any doubts as to the chances of our victory, feel free to speak up, and I shall hear you out as I would any other."

A moment of silence, and then…

"Ah, w-well—!"

 _ **BANG!**_

A mariachi-themed pirate in the back of the room crumpled with a cry of pain as a ball of lead tore through his knee. Nobody saw this on account of the fact that all eyes in the room were glued to the pistol that Largo had drawn and fired near-instantly.

"Anyone _else?"_ he queried, his voice cool enough to give a polar bear frostbite.

Dead silence.

The man spun his gun back into its holster.

"Didn't think so."

 **-o-**

Yoko's breath came in ragged gasps as she sprinted back into town. She had to warn them all… not just about the Straw Hats and their nefarious plans, but also the far more imminent threat of these new poncho guys.

It was disappointingly easy for her to locate the mayor, considering that he was in the village helping set up a party to celebrate the presence of the Straw Hats. Well, she'd see to it that _that_ didn't last. She quickly came up to the portly man, and spent a few moments catching her breath.

"Yoko?" Fabre asked in confusion. "What's wrong?"

What the girl _tried_ to say was something along the lines of, "I've got proof the Straw Hats are actually hostile, and there's another pirate crew that's trying to kidnap Boss!" What actually came out on account of her lack of breath was "Proof-Straw-host-pirate-kidnap- _Boss!"_

The town's mayor blinked in surprise before slowly heaving out a sigh as he brought a hand up to massage the bridge of his nose. "Yoko, I know you don't like them, but I thought the Straw Hats made it _very_ clear that they have no intentions on kidnapping—!"

"Not the Straw Hats, _someone else!"_ Yoko snapped, oxygen finally refueling her lungs. "The Straw Hats _are_ evil pirates, but there are _other_ pirates that just came to the island looking for Boss!"

Fabre's relaxed demeanor vanished in an instant. For a brief moment, he looked panicked, before covering it up by attacking his pipe. "Blast it all… they just had to show up when he began molting."

Any thoughts Yoko might've had of a continued rant fled once she processed that statement. "Wh-What? But that wasn't supposed to be for—!"

"Dooon't worry about it."

' _I… am getting very tired of all this mood whiplash,'_ was the incongruous thought Yoko had as _that voice_ brought her anger back to life at full cylinders. Spinning around, she glared bloody murder at Jeremiah Cross as he approached, weapons crossed on his back and a casual grin on his face.

"There's a pirate crew coming up, sure, and they look to be utter bastards, sure," the pirate continued, waving his hand dismissively. "But we'll handle them. Although…" He then gave Yoko a flat look. "I'm _guessing_ none of that is going to make you hate us any less, am I right?"

Yoko initially confirmed the accusation in a nonverbal manner by flushing furiously and sputtering. It took a moment for the actual words to come out. "You… You _bastard!_ Idiot! Murdering, bloodthirsty… _shiitake!"_ Admittedly, her true feelings were a bit garbled due to her not having even hit puberty yet, but at least she was _trying._

Cross blinked before slowly tilting his head in confusion. "I'm… a homicidal mushroom that's delicious with noodles?" he asked in honest, bemused confusion.

" **Never call someone a word** _ **you don't understand,**_ KID. _That's Insults 201,_ " Soundbite helpfully informed the Marine child.

"What, it's not 101?"

" _NUH-UH!"_ Soundbite shook his head with a shit-eating grin. "101 DEALS WITH _sentence structure, run-on sentences and the like._ **I COULD GET YOU A COURSE CATALOG IF YOU—?"**

"WILL YOU TWO BE FUCKING _SERIOUS_ FOR ONE SECOND!?" Yoko practically screamed, several veins bulging in cross patterns on her brow.

" _Language, young lady,"_ the pair deadpanned at her, before breaking down into uncontrolled snickers. "Nah, we're just fucking with you," Cross chuckled.

Fuming impotently, Yoko whirled around to glare up at Fabre. Her mood did not improve when she saw that he too was muffling chuckles. "Mayor Fabre," she grit out. "I have _evidence_ of the fact that the Straw Hats are no less the same scum than every other pirate alive! They are _not_ good people because _good pirates don't exist!"_

Fabre's good cheer evaporated at the announcement. "Yoko…"

" _And she decides to tell him this_ _ **in front of the very pirates she's denouncing?"**_ Soundbite stage whispered to his partner.

Cross could only shrug in response. "It's probably desperation. She's not thinking straight and all that, you know?"

" **Fair point. YOU'VE DONE SOME** _ **STUPID THINGS YOURSELF."**_

"I choose to take that as a compliment."

" _EVIDENCE!"_ Yoko furiously repeated in an effort to retrieve the attention she'd lost, jabbing her notepad at Fabre, who eyed the paper with no small amount of dread. "Evidence, _right here,_ that every last _one_ of these pirates is up to _absolutely no good!"_ She flipped the pad open to the first page. "My first piece of evidence, pertaining to their Captain, is that he was—!"

"Surveying the local geography for more efficient pillaging."

"Surveying the— _Wha?!"_ Yoko boggled at Cross in shock when he answered before she could.

"Don't worry, you're not _that_ predictable," the pirate assured her with an impish grin.

" _ **But you**_ **ARE** _**kinda careless!"**_ his snail snickered.

"Soundbite was listening in on you talking out loud while you were writing," Lassoo informed her. "Don't take offense, he does it to all of us."

"Th-This just proves my point!" Yoko jabbed a finger at the uniquely packed quartet. "They're not denying my point, they—!"

"Actually, I _am_ denying your point, based on a _supremely_ relevant fact that renders your suppositions null and void." Cross smirked as he folded his arms behind his head. "It's simple enough: Luffy doesn't know how to pronounce even _half_ the words you had written down on that page, much less their meanings."

The girl swore she pulled _something_ with how hard her eyelid twitched. "You're telling me," she grit out. "That your excuse is that your captain is too _stupid_ to be evil!?"

"It's a _good_ excuse!" Cross protested with almost honestly affronted indignation.

"Er… one that I can confirm," Fabre cut in, weathering the betrayed look she gave him. "Straw Hat Luffy has a good heart and a healthy appetite, but I wouldn't exactly call him… ah, well…"

"To reiterate: the excuse that Luffy's too stupid to do something is a _valid_ excuse," Cross said.

The eye-twitching intensified. "They. Are. _Pirates._ You can't believe _anything_ they say!" Yoko snapped.

"We're not here to cause trouble," Cross droned.

"YES, YOU ARE!"

" _We've never_ **killed** ANYONE," Soundbite added.

"LIKE I BELIEVE THAT!"

"Your name is Yoko," Funkfreed piped up.

"NO, IT'S NOT!" Yoko roared, before grimacing and slapping a hand to her face. " _Dang it."_

"Yoko, you really need to try listening a little more," Fabre pleaded.

"No, _you_ need to listen to _me!"_ Yoko protested, rapping her finger on her pad. "He might have an excuse for that instance of his captain's actions, but I have _dozens_ of pieces of evidence! He can't explain them all!"

"Oh, you would be surprised," Cross hummed pleasantly, his mouth never shifting from the smirk that had been there the whole conversation.

Sighing, Fabre gave his town's guest a long-suffering look. "I am _so sorry,"_ he apologized.

"Don't be, I'm having the time of my life!" Cross laughed, waving his hand in a gesture that was both dismissive and good-natured. "Trust me, I've heard worse, and once this is all over, it'll be good for a laugh."

"You won't be laughing once _I'm_ done with you!" Yoko swore, flipping to the next page in her pad. " _Second_ instance of nefarious wrongdoings!"

And so it went: Yoko ran down her list of dastardly deeds and nascent plans of varying levels of notoriety…

"The smelly blubber-butt faker that calls itself Boss has been denuding the island!"

"You're planning on poaching the Unusual Animals!"

"Your captain's eating all our food and that… that _skeleton_ is using his music to control people's minds!"

And every time, Cross and his compatriots had answer after answer to reply with, all delivered with varying but invariably elevated levels of teasing snark.

"It's called a training exercise. Maybe you've heard of them? If this boggles you, know that normal people split mere _bricks_ for training. It's just that Boss—Boss Dugong, I mean—has higher standards than most when it comes to his strength."

"Yeah, because we haven't seen _way_ more unusual animals during our journey. _Oh wait._ Hwee hwee hwee!"

" **TRUST ME,** _ **that's nothing new. Luffy tries to eat everything**_ _he can get his teeth on._ BUT, AH, WE _ARE_ GOOD FOR IT, **just to clarify**. _**AND AS FOR BROOK…**_ **huh, interesting trivia. He says he was helping that cook, Mitsuboshi, keep pace with** _Sanji. Apparently it's an old trick used by_ **SHIP'S MUSICIANS THE WORLD OVER!"**

Suffice to say that by the time Yoko had reached the bottom of her list, she had truly bypassed 'infuriated'… and was more than a little desperate, to boot.

"Mrgrggh…" Yoko grumbled furiously as she flipped to another page in her book. "T-T-Then what aboooout… ah, the sniper, the cyborg and the girl!?" The glare this time was challenging. "They're building—well, they _built_ a mansion for Miss Luigia! They're _obviously_ trying to wile their way into her will so that they can steal her fortune! What do you have to say to _that!?"_

 _That_ actually got a change of expression out of Cross. He boggled at the girl for a moment before slowly exchanging wide-eyed looks with his snail. "I… am honestly stumped," he admitted in a blank tone. "Congratulations on accomplishing that. Seriously, I… am kind of at a loss for how to respond."

"That's where we differ…" Fabre groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Yoko, up until today, Luigia lived in a shack that had a mock-up of a mansion nailed to it. You acknowledge that, yes?"

"Uh… yeah, why?" Yoko nodded in confusion, pointedly ignoring Cross's outburst of "Wait, we've met _two_ loonies with the same delusion!?"

"Great. So tell me this!" Fabre swept his hands out in frustration. " _What_ fortune!?"

Yoko sucked in a breath to respond as she raised a finger… then bent her finger and let out a choked gurgle as that one week the old woman had eaten nothing but miso soup forced its way into her conscious mind. "Gugh…"

"Yoko," Fabre said kindly, kneeling before the girl and grasping her shoulders in his large hands. "I understand your pain; I knew your father well, and I miss him, too. And I will admit without reservation that most pirates are the same kind of monsters that took him from us. Even the Straw Hats admit it!"

"True that; we're an exception, not the norm, and we know it," Cross piped up, and his voice was no longer playful.

"But even so!" Fabre forged on. "You _cannot_ continue denying the truth! The truth that we have all accepted, that the _world itself_ has accepted!" The mayor pointed at the pirate. "The Straw Hats are not just good pirates, they're good _people._ Yoko, please, I am _begging you_ … enough is enough. Just in this one instance, for this one crew… please, see reason and acknowledge that these are the _last_ people in the world that we _need_ to be protected from! For your own sake, if _nothing_ else!"

A tense silence fell over the small gathering, everyone's breath held in tense anticipation of the girl's answer.

Finally, with tears welling in her eyes, Yoko gave a dry sniffle and began to shake. "Dad… Dad would never forgive me if I collaborated with criminals," she whispered as tears slowly dripped down her cheeks. "It… It goes a-against _everything_ the Marines stand for."

For a long moment, Cross just looked at her, apparently considering something, before glancing up at Fabre, expression questioning. Once the older man nodded hesitantly, he spoke.

"Yoko, you need to understand that when you heard my broadcast, you heard it out of context," Cross gently stated. "I wasn't talking about how the Marines are corrupt, I was talking about how there is corruption _in_ the Marines. Being a Marine doesn't automatically make someone good, even if it should… just like being a pirate doesn't automatically make someone bad, even if it should. Underneath the black and white, we're still _human."_ When he saw how Yoko was considering a response, but also that she looked thoughtful instead of hostile, he pre-empted the words. "Consider: Would your father want you to carry on with this vendetta, or would he want you to reconsider in the face of evidence?"

Okay, _now_ the attention was hostile. "You never knew my father," she spat with surprising venom. "So don't you _dare_ say you—!"

"No, I didn't know your father," Cross cut in. "But I _do_ know Marines like him, Marines who would sacrifice everything for the sake of the ones they swore to protect, for the sake of the spirit of their oaths, not just the word. And I know that all of them would tell you to _think,_ not blindly follow. That's all I want you to do: listen to what your eyes and ears are telling you, and draw your own conclusions."

Yoko's body shuddered as her gaze fell to the ground, indecision and hesitation literally wracking her body. Finally, she looked up at Cross, and he was gratified to see a glint of reason in her eyes, but he could only wince at the far more prominent haze of deep-seated pain that clouded her gaze. "Even _if_ what you say about the Marines is true," she whispered harshly, tears gleaming in her eyes. "I will _never_ trust a pirate."

A swift chomp on his cheek silenced an aggravated grumble, and instead Cross settled for a conciliatory waving of his hands. "Mah mah, that's fine," he chuckled tightly, barely masking the disappointment in his voice. "I'm pretty sure you'll be singing a different tune when we cast off to leave. Everyone does. But for now, you're entitled to whatever you want to think."

Yoko… didn't respond to that. Couldn't, really, and as a result an uncomfortable silence settled onto the small group.

Thankfully, Fabre was unburdened with any serious thoughts, and thus quickly clapped his hands to break the silence. "I!" he announced in an almost grandiose tone. "Have just realized that I am famished, and I'm almost completely certain that neither of you two have had much to eat all day, either. And if there is one thing that I've learned in my meager career as a politician, it's that talking about important matters on an empty stomach is an idea that's destined for disaster. What say we all go to the Mini-Baratie and treat ourselves to what little Luffy hasn't gorged himself upon, hm?"

Yoko twitched slightly at that, but wiped her eyes clear with a petulant grumble. "Food's always your answer to everything… 'ts why you're so… big."

Fabre let out a jolly chuckle as he patted the girl on the back and slowly led her towards the island's premiere restaurant. "Yes, I suppose that's true, isn't it? But if anything, I'd like to think that my girth is a testament to my success rate! And as such, I take _pride_ in it!"

"Eh, makes sense to me," Cross commented, his arms folded behind his head as he walked alongside the two. "I mean, I've been on over a dozen islands and I've _certainly_ seen and heard people take pride in weirder things."

" **Heheh,** _if that ain't the damn truth!"_ Soundbite chortled in agreement with his partner in prime. "SERIOUSLY, THIS ONE TIME— _ **!"**_

Yoko and Fabre both looked at the snail in confusion when it suddenly belted out a sharp violin-sting, which in turn drew a scowl from Cross. "Are you fucking—!?"

"USOPP, _**EXPLOSIVE ORDNANCE!**_ **INTERCEPT** _NOW!"_

"Say wha—?" Yoko started to question.

" _FIRE MAIN CANNON!"_

 _ **KABOOM!**_

"—GYAH!"

Before she swapped to a shriek of shock as the air suddenly ripped itself apart in a blast of air pressure and fire a few meters away.

Yoko's hearing cleared before her vision un-blurred, just in time to hear the current bane of her existence roaring in the air.

"Hey! You just stole my shtick, you metal asshat!" Cross roared towards the newly built mansion overlooking the village, which currently had a plume of smoke rising from it.

" _What the heck are you talking about, Cross?"_ the pirate's shipwright's voice asked in honest bewilderment.

"What am I talking about? You just stole number three on my list of things I want to say!" Cross fumed as he tapped his foot in irritation. "I had it all lined up for when we pulled out _that_ trick! It was going to be all badass and awesome and you just stole it!"

" _Are you really comparing_ that _to a standard turret!?"_ Franky asked, his tone now offended.

"Of course not, but what I'm _pissed_ about is you stealing the line! It's the principle of the matter, man, the principle! And you—"

"What's going on, Cross?"

"…We're not done with this," Cross growled at nothing before rolling with his captain's sudden presence. "A group of fakers are here to kidnap Boss the beetle. I gave their crew and first mate a chance to run, but apparently their captain is determined to carry out their mission or die trying."

Luffy frowned, tossing the bone he'd been picking his teeth with into the air and swallowing it in a single chomp. "Need any help?" he asked seriously.

Cross blinked at his captain in surprise before frowning in thought. After a moment, he nodded, slowly and hesitantly at first but picking up speed. "I… think I can take them."

"Then they're all yours."

The tactician shot his captain a thumbs up, and walked forward to put himself between the smoke cloud rising over the lower reaches of the island and the village. "Keep everyone back," Cross called over his shoulder to Fabre. "These idiots might fire full blast and the last thing anyone wants or needs is to get caught in the crossfire."

"Hey, wait, what do you think you're—!?" Yoko started to belt out—in indignance? Confusion? Not concern… right?—before she was cut off by a hand landing on her head.

"Just shut up!"

Yoko looked up in confusion, and could do nothing but blink dumbly as she stared right into Straw Hat Luffy's dumb, but somehow still _proud,_ smile.

"Shut up and watch!" Luffy chuckled before turning his beaming expression towards his third mate. "This is gonna be _so cool!"_

Yoko blinked, trying and failing to reconcile what she was seeing with what she knew, _knew_ to be _fact_ about pirates. All she could do was default to following Luffy's gaze, which fell on Cross glaring bloody murder at the swiftly clearing cloud.

When the cloud finally cleared, the girl swore she felt her blood freeze in her veins.

Over fifty pirates, all arrayed before the village, all dressed like mariachi, all packing sizable firearms that they had at the ready and were visibly ready to use. And then there were the two at the front of the horde; she recognized the heavyweight luchador, Corto, who had now unveiled a pair of large-bore _Gatling guns_ of all things he was dual-wielding without any apparent strain, and then there was _him._

She could only assume that the tallest pirate around was the Captain of these 'Amigo Pirates', but that man… _that man._ The look in the tall man's lazy eyes, his _coldness…_ for whatever reason, the man's _lack_ of a weapon made him all the more menacing.

And now, this man, this… this _monster_ had come to Yoko's island, set his sights on her village, set his sights on Boss—!

Yoko's breath hitched as the thought tore through her like a bolt of lightning. ' _Boss! Oh, no, he's still in his chrysalis, he's still evolving! They could find him, they could take him away! T-They'll take everything… I'll lose e-everything ag—!"_

"I thought I made myself damn clear to your first mate!"

Once again, Yoko was wrenched out of her spiraling thoughts by the voice of a pirate, and she returned to reality to the sight of Cross unwaveringly glaring down the horde.

"I told you all, _explicitly_ , to pack up and hit the horizon," Cross stated, his voice packed with steel. "You mind telling me just _why_ the hell you decided to do something so asinine as to attack the village we're _blatantly protecting!_?"

The tall man blinked slowly before staring down his nose at Cross. "Yes, I _do_ mind, _tu patético insecto."_

Cross's whole being _twitched,_ his jaw setting in a downright vicious smirk that was emphasized by a throbbing vein just below his right eye.

"Oh, this should be good," Fabre said with obvious relish, prompting Yoko to throw him a brief but incredulous glare.

Either ignorant or entirely dismissive of Cross's ire, the tall man turned his gaze just pass the most wanted of the Straw Hats and almost gave Yoko a heart attack when he looked at her… no, _above_ her.

"You," he spoke in a dry tone, staring at the pirate at Yoko's side. "You are the _capitan_ of the Straw Hat Pirates, 'Straw Hat' Luffy, _sí?"_

Luffy raised his hand in response, his expression blank. "Yo."

"Hmph," the other captain sniffed disdainfully, raising his admittedly impressive nose. "Let me be as clear as possible, so that even one as imbecilic as _you_ might understand: I am Largo, captain of the Amigo Pirates. My crew and I are here to retrieve the giant beetle we _know_ to be on this island. If you hand it over without trouble, then we will only _masacrar_ some of the people on this island, and leave your ship in a salvageable condition. Try to resist, however…"

Largo's smirk turned vicious as his stout brother raised his arms and spun his weapons' barrels menacingly. He himself hefted his guitar and strummed a few tunes, Yoko flinching at the discordant sound that the instrument produced.

"And we shall turn this place into an _isla de los muertos."_ Then he frowned, eyeing the guitar, and began tuning and testing it, though on the same discordant chords.

There was a tense pause as that murderous sentence hung in the air, broken only by the menacing vibrations of Largo's guitar as he tuned it. Then the person most capable of the job broke the silence.

"When I met your brother, I expected his captain to be just as stupid, if not worse," Cross growled out through a rictus smile. "But I damn well didn't expect you to be _suicidal."_

 _That_ actually drew a reaction from Largo, though it was merely an annoyed snort and a roll of his eyes. " _Cállate, mestizo._ I'm talking to your _capitan._ I won't lower myself to address a _parásito_ like you."

The number of veins bulging on Cross outright _tripled._ "Arrogant piece of—!" he ground out through his increasingly tight scowl, but Largo ignored him in favor of Luffy.

"Oh, _definitely_ good," Fabre stated, now outright grinning. "Kinda wish I had some popcorn."

This time, Yoko found herself nodding along. ' _Yeah, if these two groups can break each other…'_

The Straw Hat captain, meanwhile, silently returned the flat look before bowing his head. "This island is Boss's precious home, that he cares about more than anything. You're not going to take him from it."

The spike of terror she felt as Largo's gaze hardened squashed Yoko's conflicted flare of agreement. "So you have decided to fight us, then? A pointless sacrifice…" He then smirked slightly as he bowed his head and plucked a string on his guitar. "But then, you Straw Hats _are_ reputed to be a band of noble fools."

"Nope." Luffy shook his head in denial.

Largo glanced up in honest surprise. " _¿Perdón?"_

The Straw Hat tilted his head slightly, looking at the tall mariachi in a matter-of-fact manner. "I'm not gonna fight you."

The reaction was instantaneous, everyone in the vicinity staring at Luffy in shock and confusion.

"What!?" Yoko and Fabre belted out.

" _¿Qué?"_ Largo queried incredulously, his composure broken. " _Completas idiota,_ did you or did you not just tell me you would not let us take the beetle? Do you think we'll just leave you alone because… what, you _asked_ nicely?"

Luffy's response was a half-lidded deadpan. "Geez… everyone calls me an idiot, but you're the one who isn't listening to what I'm saying." The Rubber-Man pointed at himself. "I said that _I'm_ not gonna fight you, 'cause I'm not." He then pointed forward. "Cross is."

There would have been dead silence, if not for the sour note Largo suddenly struck. " _What,"_ he spat.

"Well, duh," Luffy shrugged as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Cross told you guys to get lost or else and you didn't listen to him. So now Cross is gonna kick your asses."

Largo glanced at Cross, giving him a onceover before returning his flat look to Luffy "…you realize that we are going to rip him into a _millón_ pieces, _sí?"_

"Nope." That flat response actually caused an outbreak of raised veins on the other captain's forehead. "'Cause Cross is stronger than all of you and he's gonna kick your asses." Luffy turned a massive grin on his third mate. "Right, Cross?"

Cross's look of cold fury faded as he returned his captain's grin and slammed his fist into his palm. "They won't know what hit 'em, captain!" He then turned back towards the Amigos and cracked his neck, his smirk taking on a near-manic tone. "You heard the man!"

At this point, Fabre, no longer looking eager, leaned in close to Luffy. "Uh, are you sure Cross can take them?" he whispered nervously. "I mean, no offense to Cross, but isn't he…?"

The look Luffy shot him should not have made the mayor feel stupid. There ought to have been a law of the universe against it. "Of course?" he said, sounding confused that it was even a question. "He's my crewmate. No way he'll lose."

Yoko glanced between the two in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

Fabre gave the girl an uncertain glance. "Well… you see, Yoko, while Cross might have the highest bounty of the Straw Hats, that's only for the verbal threat he presents. In terms of combat, he's admitted himself he's one of their _weakest._ Him alone against that many pirates…?" The mayor gnawed on his thumb in worry. "I… actually don't know if he'll be alright."

"Man, you guys really _are_ idiots…" Luffy sighed with a tinge of annoyance. "I just told you, didn't I? He'll be _fine._ They won't beat him." He grinned with honest eagerness. "Just shut up and watch! This is gonna be _awesome!"_

Upon hearing those words, Yoko could do naught but clamp her mouth shut and stare at the slowly brewing fight. For all that she was outwardly quiet, however, her mind was in chaos as she tried to resolve the tripartite conflict raging in her head.

" _Oh no!"_ wailed a Yoko, dressed in a full Marine uniform that actually fit her small frame. " _He's gonna get massacred! And then there's gonna be no one between these assholes and our town! No way we can count on the rest of the Straw Hats fighting them, not with their captain like this!"_

" _Yessssss…"_ another Marine-Yoko cackled, rubbing her hands gleefully as the bloodstains on her uniform gleamed radiant crimson. " _He's gonna get massacred! And he's a Straw Hat! He's going to take so many of those filthy pirates down with him!"_

The last Yoko just stood there, silently gaping at the conflict still paused outside of her head. This Yoko was essentially identical to the one standing in the real world, save that she had no coat, no burden. This Yoko wasn't a Marine… just a normal girl. " _He's going to be killed,"_ she whispered. " _I… I don't want him to be killed…"_

" _Traitors!"_ Justice!Yoko howled right as Marine!Yoko fired off a " _MORONS!"_ of her own. The two immediately locked gazes, and then jumped each other, biting, scratching, and pulling at hair. The third Yoko merely continued to stare.

Out in the real world, Yoko whimpered, "I am… conflicted…"

Meanwhile, Largo proudly jutted his chin out as he looked down on his opposition. "I expected more from the infamous Straw Hat Pirates," the captain sighed lazily, sparing Cross only the barest of glances. "I come ashore expecting the fight of my life, and I find that the only one who's even going to put up a fight is some spineless smartass of a _pendejo_ who only got his bounty for _talking."_

The Amigo's captain swept his arm out to indicate his men, his face never losing its condescending expression. "You _do_ realize that we are not playing around, _sí?_ These aren't your usual fun and games, _hombre._ You Straw Hats, you might play at being _piratas…_ But we are the _artículo genuino_. We are actually going to kill you, in cold blood."

Cross couldn't help but scoff derisively at that. "Men both better and worse than you in every way have been trying and failing to do just that for almost a year. And with more men, too. But hey, if you insist…" With that, he tucked one arm behind his back and raised the other with his palm up, tweaking his fingers towards himself. "Come test your luck."

Largo snorted, raising his hand and snapping his fingers. "Men. Kill this _gusano._ "

As one, the Amigo pirates roared and charged the lone man and his weapons, rattling their sabers and muskets like noisemakers. Cross, for his part, just stood there, even when the musket-wielding mariachis brought their weapons down and fired from the hip.

After all, not only was firing from the hip a decidedly inaccurate endeavor, but Cross only needed a second to draw his sword from his side, and Funkfreed only needed _half_ a second to shift into his hybrid form and encircle his wielder, deflecting the few on-the-mark slugs.

"Pachy-Shield!" Cross called out as Funkfreed unwound and hovered at his side, grinning proudly. "Neat, no?"

"Coward!" one of the pirates shouted. "Put down your Devil Fruit weapons and face us like a man!"

For a moment, there was silence. And then… and then Funkfreed returned to his natural form and Cross smiled the smile that toppled governments. "Sure," he said, before planting Funkfreed blade-first into the ground and tossing Lassoo, who was in his gun-form, at one of the Amigos charging him. Said Amigo reflexively caught the cannon—and was promptly thrown backwards and into his comrades by the gun's weight.

That brought the pirates up short, their charge screeching to a halt as they all stared at their groaning comrades pinned under the gun-dog.

"Hey! _Idiotas!"_ Corto barked. "The hell are you doing, he's _right there!"_

Their first mate's shout brought them out of their paralysis and _almost_ got them charging Cross again, except that the blonde caused them all to freeze again by strolling up to one of the Amigos—one who outweighed him two-to-one—and grabbing him by the throat.

"See, a funny thing happened while I've been wielding Lassoo. You know, my dog-cannon?" Cross stated conversationally, even as the Amigo he was holding by the throat gurgled and scrabbled ineffectually at Cross' armored fingers. And that scrabbling only intensified as he was slowly lifted off his feet by Cross's single, apparently scrawny arm. "As you'll all recall, he's a living weapon. This is important because as it would so happen, as time has passed on our journey, he's gotten _heavier_. I'd say he's even heavier now than he was when he was serving Baroque Works, let alone after we lightened him."

The gun-dog in question promptly snapped into his hybrid form, teeth gnashing. "YOU _ARE_ CALLING ME FAT!" he bellowed indignantly, all while ignoring the pirate he was _still_ crushing with his mass.

" _DO WE REALLY_ GOTTA DO THIS **NOW?!"** Soundbite snapped, as much amused as he was annoyed.

" _The point being_ , I've been wielding two tons of gun-dog exactly like I wielded a half-ton. Or, in layman's terms… I might not have realized it until now, but over time? I've. Gotten. _Stronger._ " Cross' grin turned positively _feral_ at the sudden looks of fear that produced. "So, yeah. I'm not what my crew would call 'Monster Trio' material, by any means, but I'm strong enough to swing around a _literal_ two-ton cannon like it's nothing. And that means… I'm more than strong enough to take care of you mooks." He cracked his neck side to side. " _Sucks_ for you, don't it?"

" _Will someone just kill him already!"_ Corto belted out in a tone that was a decibel short of a scream.

That was the cue for the Amigos to shake their paralysis and charge the Straw Hat. Considering they surrounded him on three sides, the conclusion should've been a no-brainer.

Unfortunately, they failed to consider that Lassoo and Funkfreed were their own thinking beings. Hence, nobody saw it coming when Funkfreed joined his fellow weapon in adopting his hybrid form and the pair _plowed_ into the rear of the crowd, sending Amigos aflight and the front crowd around Cross looking over their shoulders instead of at their opponent.

The smiling man in question eagerly took advantage of that fact by throwing the poor bastard still held in his hand hard enough to bowl over a good third of the crowd he hit, the front line collapsing in an unconscious heap and the rear struggling to rise. Almost immediately after, Cross whirled around and planted his fist square in the nose of the Amigo behind him, cartilage crumpling under the metal and the pirate also flying into and bowling over his comrades. That left just one cluster of Amigos left both standing and un-distracted by rampaging Zoan weapons.

To their credit, they immediately tried to close to melee range. Key word being "tried", because Cross immediately counter-charged them. The first Amigo took an armored elbow to the noggin and dropped like he was made of wet cardboard. The next took an uppercut to the gut. The third took Cross's shin between his legs _._

And so it went, until that group of Amigos was no more than a carpet of groaning carcasses. Cross took the moment of calm to catch his breath, which was coming in ragged gasps.

" **DOOOOOODGE!** _Blade, top-down._ "

Spinning, Cross brought his arm up in time to catch a sword on his gauntlet, and followed it with the toe of his armored boot meeting his opponent's chin. That also gave him a good look at Funkfreed and Lassoo chasing the remaining Amigos still on his feet right at him. The ones in front had looks of hope, as if they thought that Cross would be easier to beat than the elephant and dog at their heels.

Morons.

The Straw Hat merely grinned wider and raised his fists, before pausing and looking down.

"You know what?" he mused as he crouched down and grabbed one of the unconscious Amigos by his ankle. "I'm going to try something. Something I never thought I'd get to do but that I've _always_ wanted to." And with that, he hefted the unconscious Amigo and charged again.

Unfortunately, limp bodies, as it turned out, didn't make very good bludgeoning weapons. After the third Amigo took three hits and several steps back to put down (not to mention nearly got Cross brained three times by flailing limbs), Cross mentally shrugged and tossed a body at his opponents for the second time that day. Much like the first time, it succeeded in knocking over the front lines, at which point the people running up behind them tripped over their downed comrades and wound up piling into a spectacular traffic jam.

And that wasn't the worst of it. Cross winced in sympathy as Lassoo and Funkfreed eagerly joined in on the scrum. "Okay, _now_ I feel a little sorry for them," he said.

He then turned to eye the Amigo's Captain and First Mate, both of whom were watching the scene with poorly disguised disgust and fear, respectively. "Though whether that's because they're all pathetic or because they have exceedingly poor leadership, that remains up for debate."

"You're going to pay for that, _gringo."_

Both partners glanced at the tall captain indifferently, who, judging from the deathly calm expression on his face and the way he was strangling his guitar's neck, had bypassed the "steaming rage" stage entirely.

"Is he talking about his bad leadership, or me beating up all his men?" Cross muttered.

" _Does it_ **matter?"** Soundbite shot back. " _LET'S JUST KICK THIS INTO_ _ **high gear."**_ His eyestalks shifted back up to Corto, and the snail ostentatiously cleared his throat. "YOU DIPSHITS CALL THAT AN INSULT!? _THIS_ **is an insult!** _ **¡Tu padre era un chupacabra y tu madre era su merienda de medianoche!"**_

Lassoo promptly collapsed into a fit of giggles, crushing the last few conscious Amigos. " _HWEEHWEEHWEEHWEEHWEE!"_

"NOBODY SAYS THAT ABOUT MY MOTHER!" the large first mate bellowed, and before Largo could say anything to stop him, the luchador charged the tactician.

Cross immediately sobered up and blew out a sharp whistle. In response, Funkfreed and Lassoo abandoned their mauling and leapt at their partner, shifting into their weapon forms mid-flight so that Cross could catch them and brandish them against his opponent.

If Soundbite's intent in insulting Corto was to make the first mate forgo his Gatling guns in a blind rage, it worked perfectly. Instead, the man first tried to bash Cross' skull in with one of the guns, and when the Straw Hat fluidly leaned away from the blow, Corto tossed one of them aside, massive swinging cannon strikes mixed in with surprisingly fluid jabs.

This worked only somewhat better, because while Corto had power in spades, rage had badly deteriorated his form, and he was nowhere near as nimble as Cross to begin with. The Straw Hat made sure to stay in the gun's arcs rather than face the jabs, and after the first two gun swings sailed wide, Cross slipped under one of his opponent's thick arms and spun Lassoo's butt into Corto's side.

Insulating fat and a thick, padded shirt under the poncho mitigated the impact, but it was more Cross' one-handed grip on the dog-gun and a lack of proper momentum that kept Corto from outright having the wind knocked out of him. As it was, the blow 'merely' rattled his whole body. Teeth grinding, Corto wrapped his right arm around Lassoo and brought the gun in his left hand down on Cross' skull. Funkfreed promptly met it on the flat, the elephant-sword hastily flipped into a reverse grip.

Stalemate.

Well, for two seconds before Cross introduced his knee to Corto's gut. This time, the padding wasn't enough; there was too much force concentrated on a small point right above the man's diaphragm. Corto's breath whooshed out of him, and he slumped over, arms slackening. Miracle of miracles, he stayed standing. He was just getting his breath back when he felt a cannon muzzle ram into his back.

"Lemme introduce you to the latest tool in my mutt's arsenal. Cani-Blank!" he heard Cross intone. There was a click of a trigger—!

And nothing happened.

Nobody spoke. Nobody _moved_. The only sound was a gull flying overhead, cawing for food. Only when the gull was gone did anyone move, and Cross pulling his index finger against the trigger again only _barely_ qualified as 'movement'.

Once again, there was a click, but nothing came out of the big gun's muzzle. Cross, his face utterly devoid of emotion, simply clicked again. And then again.

By now, Corto had his breath back, and he clenched his fists. ' _I've got you now.'_ He tensed, and all of a sudden he spun around, shoving his now-spinning gun's barrel into his opponent's face—!

"Time out!"

And could only _freeze_ in dumbfounded shock. Said opponent had his hands in a T-shape and an expression of total seriousness. Then, while Corto was still frozen, he turned and held out his dog-gun, and all of a sudden Usopp was at his side, with Merry hanging on his back.

In less than a second, the pair had a panel open in the cannon's side and were fussing over the mechanical innards, arguing and fiddling about in hushed tones and tossing out more than a few rude gestures, before finally the ship-girl just slammed the panel shut and gave the cannon a harsh rap. Somehow, _that,_ of all things, served to satisfy the pair, and Usopp gave Cross a thumbs-up before zipping away again.

Cross nodded in satisfaction, then smiled at Corto in a manner _most_ unkind. "Time-in!" he chirped, before jerking forward, jamming Lassoo's muzzle into Corto's gut and pulling the trigger.

 _FWOOM!_

" _GUH!"_ Corto let out a _whoof_ of pain he was blasted off his feet, and could only groan in pain once his back slammed into the ground. He blinked blearily at the sky. "What the hell just hit me…?"

"Apparently, a cannon shell of air."

Corto choked on his tongue as the last face he wanted to see at the moment loomed over him. "A-Ah, is that—?"

"Why the hell did you give him time do whatever he wanted, _idiota?"_ Largo questioned in a tone that was harsh and flat at the same time.

"A-Ahhh…" Corto's mind flatlined as he tried to come up with a response, and the only thing he could respond with was, "…Straw Hat bullshit?"

"…hurry up and kill this _cabrón_ and _maybe_ I'll let you get away with that pathetic excuse."

Hastily nodding, Corto noted that he'd landed next to his other Gatling gun. It was a mistake he would gleefully take advantage of.

"Alright, _pendejo_ ," he declared as he picked up himself and his other gun. "Now we—"

"CANI-BLAST!"

"Yow!" Corto yelped as he dove away from the pillar of flame that nearly cooked him. And not medium rare, either. Turning that tumble into a roll, he sprang up and pulled the triggers on his guns. After a brief few milliseconds to warm up, bullets flew out of ten barrels of death.

Ten barrels of death that did absolutely nothing against Funkfreed's Pachy-Shield. Nor the cannon muzzle that poked out of the snake-like folds.

But this time Corto was fighting smart, and he'd already been moving even as he'd opened fire. Flames and blast and the tremendous recoil of his weapons buffeted him, but he continued to stay one step ahead of the explosive shells that lashed out. Unfortunately for the luchador, however, he couldn't keep firing forever on account of the sudden searing against his knuckles.

The luchador snapped his barrage off with a hissed " _¡Mierda!"_ There was only one thing to do: stop firing and let his gun's glowing barrels cool before they set off the ammo or _melted_. And that had been exactly what Cross was waiting for.

All of a sudden, Funkfreed's serpentine coils vanished, and Cross had drawn back his arm, the elephant-sword's tip pointed _right at him._

"Pachy-Charge!" the Straw Hat declared, and Corto almost wet himself at the sight of a dozen tons of bladed _elephant_ shooting at him at breakneck speeds.

Still, no one could say the man lacked courage. The luchador held his ground as the massive blade shot towards, and then, at the last possible second, he slid out of the way.

' _Now's my chance!'_

This was, indeed, Corto's chance. His _only_ chance. The Pachy-Charge pulled back as fast as it shot out, and while Corto didn't know how long that was, he was gambling that it'd be enough to get close before his opponent could reform the Pachy-Shield. So he ran. He ran like he'd never run before. Faster even than when his grandmother had made her famous tamales for the neighborhood kids and he had to run there before she ran out. And…

He made it. Cross had just pulled Funkfreed back into sword form when Corto skidded to a halt in front of the Straw Hat, guns aimed. The luchador had to frantically bat away an explosive baseball, but one of the guns was still aimed. It would have to be enough. Corto pulled the trigger, the guns spun up—!

And then, with a loud, ominous grinding sound, came to a halt, and _stayed_ halted no matter how many times he pulled the trigger. Which was _many_ times. Glaring at his own gun, Corto demanded, "Are you _fucking_ with me?!"

" _Somebody_ is!"

Before Corto could react, hands grabbed the collar of his poncho, and then his head was pulled in for a meeting with Cross' skull. Oooor at least, a meeting with the iron plate in Cross's hat.

 _THWACK!_

Everyone watching, even Largo, winced as the two fighters staggered back. Corto was clutching his nose, blood flowing freely between his fingers. Cross looked mildly dazed, but otherwise was in far better shape.

"I have several questions," Yoko stated flatly during this short lull. "Where's the fat bastard getting all that ammo?! And how did his gun just… _jam_ like that?! People aren't that lucky!"

"I'm not really an expert on combat…" Fabre demurred.

"I dunno," Luffy shrugged.

" _Estoy rodeado de idiotas,"_ Largo growled, grinding his palm into his forehead before raising his voice. "Corto, if that _bastardo_ isn't dead in the next minute, _Lo juro por Dios—!"_

" _Quítate de encima, hijo de un—!"_ Corto growled under his breath, shaking his head to clear away the latent dizziness. Once that was done, he pinned Cross with a furious glare. "Alright you _pequeño bastardo,_ let's—!"

"Hey, I know how to end this!"

He was cut off by Cross suddenly laughing in amusement, and he and everyone present watched, puzzled, as Cross suddenly tossed his weapon-partners away and took off his jacket, waving it off to his side. That puzzlement lasted as long as it took for Cross to open his mouth.

" _Toro, to—!_ Oh, no, wait, my apologies!" Cross slapped a hand to his face with _almost_ honest regret before resuming the motion, his grin positively shit-eating. "Allow me to be more appropriate: _fatso, fatso!"_

Corto straight-up saw _red._ "THIS IS ALL MUSCLE, YOU BASTARD!" he howled, stomping his foot for emphasis.

Cross lowered his head, letting the shadow of his cap emphasize the smirk he was wearing. " _Prove it,_ meathead."

And that was all he could take. Pawing at the ground and snorting like the bull he wasn't _supposed_ to be, Corto charged straight at Cross, bellowing in inarticulate rage. Cross, for his part, neatly sidestepped the charging luchador, jacket flapping as Corto passed through it.

" _Olé!"_ Cross proclaimed, the pronouncement ratcheting Corto's fury up another notch.

Seeing as the first charge hadn't worked, the natural response was to wheel around and charge again. Equally natural was Cross sidestepping Corto again.

" _Olé!"_ And that was _another_ roar.

And, of course, that simply meant Corto began gearing up for a _third_ charge.

Largo was just about to tell his absolute _imbecile_ of a brother to take this seriously when he noticed that Cross wasn't tensing up to dodge again. Fabre and Yoko missed this, but Luffy also spotted the change, and his grin widened even more as he leaned forward.

Corto, of course, was way too far gone to notice anything of the sort. All he noticed was that that damn _thing_ wasn't moving. Good. Now he could trample it underfoot and finally _end_ its bleating—

Was that a snail in front of his face?

 _SPLAT!_

The luchador stumbled in shock when the ball of slime slammed into the middle of his face, and before he could truly set about wiping it off?

" **OLÉ,** _ **BIOTCH!"**_

And Corto's whole world became _pain._

"The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round…" he gurgled through a mouthful of bloody foam, all his brain was capable of as it tried to cope with a fair amount of his skeleton fracturing at once.

The issue was only compounded when, after retrieving Soundbite from his face, Cross planted his boot on Corto's chest with a cry of victory, shaking his clasped hands in the air in a self-congratulatory manner. "And the crowd! Goes! _Wild!_ Raaah, raaah!"

" _And that's another_ stunning victory _for Jeremiah Cross and Soundbite of the Straw Hat Pirates!"_ Soundbite proclaimed in a grandiose tone. " **Tell me son,** _ **anything you wanna say to your**_ **ADORING MASSES?"**

"Well for starters I'd like to thank the Academy, as well as offer them my most sincere apologies. I _did not_ mean to ram that antique car into the side of the building, I was aiming for the Dairy Queen next door! Furthermore—!"

 _Thnk._

" _Ghgrk…"_ Cross trailed off into a gurgle, his eye twitching frantically. "S-Son… of a…"

" _ **CROSS!"**_ Soundbite yelped.

Luffy perked his head up in concern. "Cross, are you alright?"

"Uh… aheh… that's, uh… that's up for debate…" Cross grimaced weakly as he stumbled back from Corto, actively working to keep his feet under himself. "How, uh… how bad does _this_ look to you guys?"

And with that he turned around. Perfect way to show off the _dagger_ lodged in his back.

" _Ooooh,_ yeah, that'll hurt," Luffy winced sympathetically.

"Son of a—!" Fabre gasped.

And Yoko… Yoko shocked _herself_ when she jerked forwards and screamed out a panicked " _CROSS!"_

"What, not 'pirate bastard!'?" Cross chuckled. "Hear that, Soundbite? We're making progress!"

" _You realize that you're_ **a special kind of TWISTED,** _ **right!?"**_ Soundbite frantically demanded.

"Hmph."

Soundbite winced at the sound of a derisive snort before turning his eyestalks to glare bloody murder over his friend's shoulder. "AND THEN THERE'S YOU, _WHO REDEFINES THE FUCKING WORD!"_

" _Cállate, bichos,"_ Largo stated indifferently, another dagger twirling in his fingers. "In the end, your owner's loud mouth was truly the only formidable weapon he had. One knife thrown into his back and it's already over; I think I'll enjoy living like a king once I turn his head in for a bounty. But for now…" He leered viciously at the onlooking civilians. "I'll settle for taking that damn _beetle."_

And with that, the Amigo's captain stepped forward, intent on claiming his prize.

"Pfff… are you… kidding me…"

And _froze_ when Cross suddenly started to chuckle. The tall man shot a glare at the world-infamous loudmouth. "You're _still_ not done?!"

Cross ignored him in favor of continuing to laugh, chuckle escalating to full-on cackle. More, his footing had stabilized. "Pfff… PffhahaHAHAHA! Are you… _kidding me?"_ The Straw Hat smiled malevolently at the enemy captain. "You absolute _idiot._ Buddy, I _ate_ several million volts of _lightning_ because I wouldn't stop verbally defending my _personal beliefs!"_

Cross then spread his arms wide. "So when I'm standing here… defending a village of innocent civilians, kind and generous people who welcomed us with open arms, from raging _bastards like you and your brother,_ what the hell…" There was a furious scowl on Cross' face as he reached over his shoulder and grasped the handle of the dagger in his back. " _MAKES YOU THINK THAT A LITTLE PIECE OF METAL IS GONNA MAKE ME EVEN_ FLINCH!?" And with the final word, Cross tore the dagger from his back with a somewhat impressive spray of blood and tossed it away. He then pinned Largo with a furious glare. "What else you got?"

" _Cabron!"_ Largo cussed, scowling at Cross in open outrage.

" _YOU'RE NO RAY OF SUNSHINE EITHER,_ **JACKASS!"** Soundbite snarled.

"And a _liiiitle_ bit overenthusiastic to boot," Lassoo scoffed, rubbing one of his toes under his nose.

"Yeah, one _tiny_ dagger?" Funkfreed chimed in. "If it were something _me-sized,_ I'd be worried… but it wasn't, so I'm not."

"Shishishi! Kick his ass, Cross!" Luffy cheered from the sidelines.

"Forget kicking his ass!" Fabre roared, jabbing his pipe at the pirate. "Shove your boot so far up there that he's choking on the leather!"

Yoko only hesitated a bare second before Girl!Yoko slammed Marine and Justice's skulls together and joined in. "Get these pirates offa our island!" she shouted, shooting her fists in the air.

Sighing at the enthusiastic cheers, Largo stepped over to the prone form of his brother and leaned over him, his back obscuring whatever it was he was doing. To the shock of the onlookers, Corto shot up with a nasal yelp, a hand clamped over his neck.

"What the _hell—?"_ Cross breathed in shock while Corto began cursing up a storm.

" _Mierda, eso duele como un—_ GAH!"

Said cursing quickly devolved into a strangled yelp when he noticed his brother glaring down at him.

"That," Largo scowled. "Was _patético._ And I'm already going to kick your ass once we're done here. Help me kill these shits and _maybe_ you'll be able to walk again in a week, rather than a _month."_

" _Sí, señor…"_ Corto wheezed, shakily pushing himself to his feet. And in a further surprise to the onlookers, in little to no time at all he managed to steady his footing. Still, the luchador looked to be in bad shape.

Cross, meanwhile, hastily shook off his surprise in favor of re-brandishing his partners and shifting back into a combat stance, heedless of the blood dripping down his back. For a second, no one moved. And then Corto silently charged Cross, Gatling guns brandished but not firing.

"Really?" Cross sighed. "I'd cite the definition of insanity, but…" Ducking under a wild swing, Cross planted Funkfreed and used the sword as a platform to swing around and plant his foot in Corto's gut. Apparently, though, the luchador was expecting that, because he didn't get the wind knocked out of him, and instead aimed one of his guns at Cross.

"Shit!" Cross bit out. He tried to counter whatever was coming, he really did, but his earlier kicked left him half-sprawled on the ground with one hand occupied using Funkfreed to hold himself up. The best he could do was put Lassoo in between himself and some of the gun barrels.

But what came out of one of the barrels was not a bullet.

 _KA-BOOM!_

Instead, it was some sort of explosive, flame and smoke engulfing the combatants.

"Cross!" Yoko and Fabre shouted. Luffy said nothing, but his fingers dug into the skin of his arms.

Then Corto staggered out, scorched and covered in soot, and Cross tumbled out the other way, coughing and burnt himself, but more stunned than injured. The audience breathed sighs of relief. Relief that was short-lived as Largo suddenly began ostentatiously clearing his throat. To the disgust of the onlookers, Largo then spat out a glob of saliva and mucus… that suddenly bloomed into a wide net that lofted up to envelop Cross.

"Devil Fruit!" Fabre hissed.

Cross, thankfully, saw it coming, giving him a chance to—stand up and punch the net? The confusion only intensified when the net suddenly… unraveled, for lack of a better word, into a glob of snot that landed on his coat and covered his gauntlet.

"That," Cross blandly stated as he waved the mucus off. "Is disgusting,"

" _¡¿Qué diablos?!"_ Largo spat, his face set in a murderous scowl. "How the _hell_ did you do that!?"

The tactician adopted a smirk as he held his fist up and flipped his middle finger at Largo, flashing his armor's off-color knuckles in the process. "We've run into Devil Fruit users on pretty much literally _every_ island we've hit since we entered the Grand Line! Did you really think we wouldn't wise up and grab some sea prism stone!?"

"Very well," Largo growled. "Then we'll just have to make sure you can't use it! Corto!"

"On it, _hermano!"_ Corto replied, firing another explosive shell at Cross. This was met by one of Lassoo's own explosives, resulting in another, larger blast.

The two settled into a brief exchange of artillery, one that Corto came off the worse for. Lassoo simply had a greater rate of fire with his baseballs than Corto's banged-up Gatlings, and the luchador was soon driven back lest he get blown up again.

Worse, the exchange didn't distract Cross as much as he'd hoped; while Lassoo managed his own aiming, for the most part, Cross kept Largo in his peripheral vision, and so when the captain upended a can of oil in his mouth and tossed a match in, the Straw Hat was ready. A net made of fire flashed out… and splashed harmlessly against Funkfreed's ballistic steel hide.

" **Y'all realize you're just using** _a knock-off of the Munch-Munch Fruit,_ **RIGHT?!"** Soundbite chortled tauntingly.

"And you realize that you can't keep this up forever, _así?"_ Largo shot back. "Sooner or later—!"

"I'll have to go on the offensive or lose stamina and slip up and die, yes, yes," Cross dismissively replied. "You want offense?" He grinned malevolently as he held both his cannon and blade at the ready, Lassoo baring his fangs and Funkfreed rearing up to his full height. " _Here's_ some offense: Pachy-Cani Combo: Superhot Hell Riot!"

Fire and water blasted out of Lassoo's maw and Funkfreed's trunk respectively, meeting at a somewhat equidistant point between the three combatants. Upon contact, the water reacted as it usually did when sprayed on fire that hot: it immediately vaporized in a massive, spreading cloud of steam.

A cloud of steam that Cross ran headlong into.

" _Come and get me!"_ his disembodied voice jeered. Said jeer was followed up by a barrage of explosives and a ballistic elephant-blade that withdrew as swiftly as it shot out. " _Or I'll just take you down from here!"_

Grinding his teeth, Largo shouted into the mist, "Find him, _hermano_! I don't care how, but find him!"

"Already on it!"

'Already on it', in this case, meant that Corto had run into the haze with absolute recklessness and was blindly swinging his Gatlings through the mist. Not a smart way to search, but in fairness to the man whatever Largo had done to him couldn't completely erase the concussion he'd sustained, and did absolutely nothing for the 200% strength rage coursing through his veins.

After a few exhausting minutes, Corto slumped over, panting, and felt someone tall and skinny press against his back.

"Ah, _hermano_ , good," he panted. "Just you wait, I'll find him, and when I do—!"

"Well, in that case, congrats! You found me!"

Nearly shrieking in surprise, Corto jumped up and spun around, Gatling swinging around with him. It struck, right in Cross' palm, and when he tried to move the weapon he found he couldn't. "You little—!"

"Hold that thought," Cross's voice leered before he cleared his throat and started speaking again… in _Corto's_ voice. "Hermano, _I found him! Get him!"_

Corto paled in realization, but before he could react a grid of dark lines became visible through the mist—

 _SNKT!_ "AAAAAARGH!"

And the luchador _howled_ in agony as a net of piano-wire sliced into his body.

"What the—!?" Largo's voice called out in confusion.

" _IDIOTA!"_ Corto roared, his pain fuelling his indignant rage to unparalleled heights. "YOU HAVE THE GALL TO CALL _ME_ AN _IMBÉCIL!?_ WHO'S THE _RETARDAR_ THAT USED HIS EARS AGAINST THE FUCKING 'GOD OF NOISE', EH!?"

" **But wait,** _there's more!"_

Corto spun towards the source of the voice, intent on inflicting _pain,_ and then he paled as he realized that all that was visible through the fog was Cross's arm and two glowing dots where his eyes would be.

"Ay caramba…" the luchador whimpered, right before Cross brought Lassoo down on his head with as much force and momentum as he could muster.

 _CRUNCH!_

And that was all the luchador could take, collapsing back into the sweet embrace of oblivion.

"And then there was _one,"_ Cross's voice wafted out of the murk, practically _looming_ over Largo.

Largo immediately spat out another net, this one green and studded with both sharp thorns and red flowers. Unfortunately, another combined gout of water and fire lashed out, incinerating the net and enveloping more real estate in obscuring steam. By now, Largo's confidence and anger alike had vanished, his head on a swivel as he tried to catch a glimpse of something, _anything._

" _Do you even realize how screwed you are?"_

Largo lashed his arm out at the voice that sneered behind him, but all that accomplished was to disturb some of the steam.

" _I see right through you, Captain Largo of the Amigo Pirates. Corto's not used to having to fight someone who can fight back, but you?"_ _That voice_ chuckled disdainfully. " _Oh, you're not used to fighting_ at all."

The tall captain muttered out curse after curse as he tore his gun out of its holster and fired one, two, three blind shots into the mist—

 _CLANG!_

—before crying out in pain and shock when the gun was suddenly smacked out of his hand.

" _You're not a bully, you're an armchair commander. A_ commissar. _You sit back and relax while everyone does your bidding for you, and if ever things get out of hand, then you just stand up, flash your powers and smack down whoever's in your way, and all goes right back to normal. Well guess what,_ hombre?"

Desperation ruling his mind, no matter how much he tried to deny it, Largo lashed out a reckless punch. He then hissed in pain and panic when his fist was suddenly crushed in a grip of metal and he _felt_ a significant portion of his stamina just _vanish._

Cross loomed out of the swiftly fading mist, glaring viciously at the bandito. "Today," he announced. "The only one getting smacked is _you._ And you're not gonna get back up from it either."

Largo tried to wrench his fist free, but it was an exercise in futility. Still, he found the courage somewhere to sneer in Cross's face. "You think a rinky-dink punch from _you_ will do anything to me? I train with _Corto!_ I might be thin, but I've got a body of steel!"

"Good for you," Cross snarked, before grinning as he reeled his right arm back, his fingers splayed and palm on display. "But how do you think you'll handle the force of a punch from Corto…" Cross's grin became downright sadistic. "Combined with _every single time_ I've punched my fist into my palm, full-strength, over the last few hours?"

The blood shot straight out of Largo's face.

"I gave you one chance to walk away. You should have taken it." And with that final line, Cross slammed his palm into Largo's gut. "IMPACT!"

 _BWONG!_

In a final blast of pure force, Largo was blown clean off his feet, flying almost halfway across the field before he was _lodged_ through a tree down to his waist.

Cross scoffed as he adjusted the brim of his cap. "Tsk tsk… say, if you ever come after us again, do me a favor." He flipped the brim up with his thumb, unveiling a cocky smirk.

"Try and give me an actual _challenge."_

That final line was punctuated by the tree giving out the ghost and collapsing completely, giving Largo a final thump on the head on the way down.

And with that, Cross allowed himself to relax, his body un-tensing and one hand flashing to the bleeding wound in his back. It didn't seem to be life-threatening or anything, it just _hurt_ without the adrenaline rush; and all his movement hadn't done his torn muscles any favors either.

" _YOU OKAY?"_

He flashed his partner a somewhat weak smile. "Not batting at a hundred, but I don't think I'm going to keel over anytime soon."

A moment's silence, and…

" **MEH,"** Soundbite shrugged inasmuch as he could. " _I'll take it."_

"Hey, what about me?" Lassoo whined. "I took that bomb point-blank! I've suffered way more than you!"

"Yeah, if you call scorch marks and burned fur _suffering…"_ Funkfreed muttered under his breath.

Straightening somewhat, Cross chuckled and began to walk back over to his audience, the slight hitch in his walk almost unnoticeable.

Luffy met him with a proud grin, punctuated by a finger scratching under his nose. "Heheh, you got badass, Cross!"

That drew a derisive snort from Cross. "Luffy, on the last island, you managed to pancake a shadow-dragon into the _dirt._ Compared to you? I am _not_ hot shit! I am just a perfectly decent Paradise Pirate!" He then grinned proudly, his thumb jabbed towards himself. "And honestly, that's badass enough for me!"

"Shishishi! Well, so long as you're happy!" Luffy laughed. He then sobered up and tilted his head thoughtfully. "Though… I _did_ see one or two places you slipped up. Mind if I give you some tips?"

"Luffy giving tips…" Cross chuckled, shaking his head. "What is the world coming to? But hell, you're the one who's got the highest kicks-to-ass ratio of the whole crew! Hit me with your best—!"

"LOOK OUT!" Yoko suddenly shrieked, genuine panic and concern written across her face.

" **MEXICAN INQUISITION!"** Soundbite swiftly added.

Cross spat out a curse and spun around. "Damn it, shoulda seen this coming!"

In all fairness, Cross probably couldn't have foreseen both of the Amigo brothers charging him with weapons drawn and their eyes rolled into their heads in signs of pure berserker rage, with how banged up they were. Cross braced himself for the oncoming clash, wincing as the motion pulled against his stab wound—!

 _WHAM!_

And then he could only stare in dumbfounded shock when Corto was suddenly _blasted_ into Largo on account of a white-and-gold pommel slamming into the stouter man's cheek with all the force of a cannonball.

For a moment longer, Cross stared dumbly at the now completely—and more importantly, _effortlessly—_ pummeled bodies who'd once been his opponents. He then turned an indignant eye on the source of said pommel strike.

"I had that handled!" he protested in an almost whiny tone.

Zoro blinked at the lower-ranked mate in surprise. "What, were these guys important or something? Sorry, I was just looking for some training dummies I could practice my pommel strikes on, and they looked like they were convenient. Still…" He jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "You gonna have a problem with it if I take _them_ on too? Repetition and all that, you know."

"Take…" Cross followed the direction Zoro was indicating, and _paled_ when he saw the Amigo Pirates' mooks _all_ staggering to their feet. "What… What the _hell?!_ The captain and first mate I can buy, barely, but I _know_ that I put _them_ down! How the hell are they still—?!"

"Dunno, don't care," Zoro grunted indifferently. "Come on, can I take them or—?" He suddenly cut himself off and scowled skywards. "Ah, damn it. Too late."

"Say wha— _ah hell…_ " Cross groaned, looking up himself. Those dark clouds had most definitely _not_ been there two minutes prior.

"Hey, boys!"

The sound of fingers snapping accompanied the cheerful greeting.

 _KER-ZAP!_

And then came a shower of lightning that struck down every last one of the Amigos.

"How're things?" Nami continued pleasantly as she walked up to her friends, as though she _hadn't_ deep fried several dozen enemy combatants at once.

"You… sonnuva… _killstealer!"_ Cross blurted in offense. "I had _dibs_ on those S.O.B.s!"

"And I needed the practice!" Zoro scowled.

Nami glanced between the two before waving them off with a sheepish smile. "Ohhh man, sorry, sorry! I didn't mean to jam you up, really! I just thought I was taking out some trash is all, _honest_ mistake… But…" She stuck her tongue out, her Eisen Tempo swirling into an aura most angelic. "You'll forgive me because I'm so cute, right?"

Cross and Zoro exchanged flat looks, before bringing their fists down on top of her skull. "Not on your life," they deadpanned.

"OW!" the navigator yowled, clutching at the growing lump on her skull and sticking her tongue out further as she glowered at the other two officers. "YOU MADE ME BITE MY TONGUE, ASSHOLES!"

"Bitch!"

"Grinch!"

"Morons!"

" _Can't we all agree_ _ **YOU'RE ALL JUST TERRIBLE PEOPLE?"**_

" _SLIMEBALL!"_

"And they completely ignore the bleeding wound," Fabre sighed indulgently. "That's the Straw Hats for you. I'd better go find that doctor of theirs…"

A few feet away from the bickering, Yoko could only stare on in shock. She stared at the leaders of the Amigo Pirates, who'd essentially been _swatted_ like pests; she stared at the small army of pirates that had been deep-fried in moments; she _boggled_ at the trio—quartet if you counted the snail—of pirates who were lobbing insults at one another all while sporting massively teasing smiles.

And finally, the girl could only fall back on her ass as her grasp on reality flatlined.

"Wh-What _are_ you people?" the Marine girl stammered weakly.

"Shishishi! It's obvious, isn't it?"

The thump of someone sitting next to her drew Yoko's gaze, and she beheld Monkey D. Luffy shooting a wide smile at her. "We're the Straw Hat Pirates!"

"B-but… but!" Yoko sputtered incredulously, waving her hands frantically. "T-That's not… not _right!_ Pirates, they… they aren't like that! They're not like you! They-they don't _protect_ people, they aren't cool or awesome or… or _nice!_ Pirates are… they're…"

Luffy's smile slowly fell into a frown, and he glanced at the tenderized brothers. "You think pirates are meant to be like _them,_ right?"

Yoko bit her lip, but she slowly nodded in agreement.

"Well… yeah, I know what you mean," Luffy said, his arms crossed and head nodding. "I don't like it, and I always _say_ those guys are fakers, but… I'm dumb, but not that dumb. I know that most pirates are like that. I know that to the rest of the world, we're not really traditional pirates, y'know? It's stupid, but it's the truth."

Luffy took off his hat and looked at it, smiling wistfully. "But… I made a promise, see? I promised, on this hat, that I'd become the King of the Pirates. The one who gave it to me is the greatest man I've ever known, he saved my life when I was a kid… and he was the strongest pirate I've ever met."

Yoko gaped in stunned disbelief as Luffy looked back at her with a grin on his face. "I'm never gonna break this promise. I _am_ going to become the King of the Pirates… but I'm not going to change to do it. I'm not going to let the world change me so that I can achieve my dream. I won't let the world change my _dream._ So, if the world says that my dream is wrong, impossible?" He pumped his fists with a confident nod. "Then I guess I'll have to change the world to fit my dream!"

Though Yoko's jaw still hung open, it was now a case of awe rather than disbelief that was the cause. "Wh-What are you talking about?"

"The way I see it?" Luffy said as he shoved his hat down. "While I become Pirate King, I'm gonna do one traditionally pirate-y thing." He shot Yoko a massive grin that was full of pure steel. "I'm going to steal the _word_ 'pirate'." Upon seeing Yoko's look of confusion, he elaborated. "Well… not the word… the… the idea? _Concept!_ I'm gonna take the concept of pirates for myself, and change it! People like me, people who just want to see what the sea have to offer, we'll be the _real_ pirates. And all those assholes just in it for the treasure and other stupid stuff like that, _they'll_ be the fakes, playing around at things they don't understand. How does that sound?"

"…you're weird," was the only thing Yoko could finally muster.

"Duh!" Luffy laughed uproariously. "I mean, c'mon! What's the fun in being normal? You know what I'm talking about, right? I mean, you're friends with a really cool giant beetle!"

Yoko's expression wavered slightly at the reminder of the last time she'd seen Boss, but ultimately she decided to just look away and try to get her thoughts in order.

Seeing her confusion, Luffy frowned thoughtfully before nodding his head at Cross, who was now snorting and butting heads with Zoro, while Nami off to the side consumed by giggles. "If you're still having a hard time getting it… I dunno, maybe talk to Cross? He's really smart, and he's always talking about morals and stuff on the SBS. He'd know more about it than me."

Yoko looked towards them just as Zoro scoffed at Cross. "Didn't you say you were happy with how badass you were?"

"I did and I am! But _that!?"_ Cross stabbed his finger at the carnage arrayed behind them. "Shit like _that_ makes me feel inferior! And also, _this_ is when you guys show up!?" Growling wordlessly, he swung his arms out. "I was going up alone against several dozen bastards here!"

"Eh, it wasn't that big a deal, you had it handled," Zoro waved him off.

Cross's eye twitched as he spun around and gestured at the bleeding wound in his back. "I got _shanked!"_

"Like I said, no big deal," the swordsman rolled his eyes.

"Didn't you even _boast_ that it wasn't that big a deal?" Nami asked with a thoughtful frown.

"It is the _principle_ of the matter!"

"…Since when do _you_ have _principles?"_

"Now see here—!"

" _AHEM!"_

"GRK!" Cross froze mid finger-jab, his face paling dramatically as he slowly turned to see that Fabre had just returned with a glaring Chopper in tow. "Aheh… hiya Chopper… how's tricks?"

The human-reindeer cocked his eyebrow in an unimpressed manner. "What's this I hear about you getting, oh, what's the word you used… _shanked?"_

"Ah…" Cross waved his hands defensively as cold sweat coated his brow. "I-It was nothing, really! So very shallow, barely even a scratch, I swea—!"

Chopper jabbed his hoof downward, his glare unwavering. "On your knees, shirt and jacket off. _Now."_

"Yessir," Cross yelped, swiftly following the orders.

Chopper gave the stab wound a single look before redoubling his glare at his patient. "Cross, you're savvy, you know stereotypes and tropes and such, right?"

"…right?"

"So you _know_ how absolutely boneheaded it is to remove a penetrating object from a stab wound, _right?"_

Cross swallowed heavily, positively refusing to meet Chopper's accusing gaze. "Twisting the knife would cause more damage and I was moving around too much to be sure it wouldn't?"

"Nice story," Chopper crossed his hooves firmly. "What's the truth?"

The streams of cold sweat intensified further. "…Half intimidation factor, half adrenaline is both a steroid and an anesthetic."

Chopper snorted as he laid down his bag and started getting out his tools. "Well, if that's the case, then I'm sure you'll be able to go without _my_ anesthetics for a bit."

"Wait, say wha— _GAH YOU FURRY LITTLE BASTARD!"_ Cross howled as Chopper started to sew him up without warning or painkillers.

"Oh, suck it up, you took a _dagger_ to the back, this is a sliver of metal, plus I need to ration out how much anesthesia I use with how fast you guys are burning through my supplies," Chopper said, rolling his eyes as he continued to work. "Meanwhile, let's focus on more _important_ matters! You know, like how it's absolutely incredible that that thing didn't hit anything more important? Like your aorta. Or spine. Or a kidney. Or your lungs. Or liver. Or—!"

"Alright, I get it, there's a lot of important shit in my torso and I should stop blocking things with it, get off my— _BACK!"_ Cross yelped at a particularly harsh tug.

"Unless you're going to get more armor, you probably should," Nami admitted.

"Psh, wishful thinking," Cross grumbled. "I might have just realized I'm stronger than I thought I was, but no way in hell am I strong enough to lug around a full suit of the stuff."

"Awww, that's too bad," Nami teased. "After all, isn't wearing a suit of armor a—?"

"MAN'S ROMANCE!"

" _GO, BOSS, GO!"_

"GAH!" Nami reeled in shock when Boss and his merry band of nitwits suddenly put on their usual show. "Where the hell did you all come from!?"

"I was _summoned!"_ Boss shot a thumbs-up at her (somehow), a sparkling smile decorating his mug. For a moment, an illusion of a bowl cut and black, bushy, caterpillar-like eyebrows superimposed themselves over Boss' face.

And then, thankfully, it was gone.

There was a haunted expression on Cross's face as he clamped a hand over his eyes. "This ocean is going to kill me before we hit the damn Red Line again…"

"Like how this crew's shenanigans and blatant disregard for their own health is rapidly killing my childish sense of wonder and amazement?" Chopper asked flatly as he finished tying a knot in Cross's stitching. "Because I am _far_ too intimate with you people's innards for comfort. Done, by the way. And I swear, if I check this again later and find it split—!"

"Hey, don't insult me! I am _not_ Zoro!" Cross glared over his shoulder in offense.

"Bite me," said green-hair snorted.

Cross responded by holding out a leering Soundbite. "Don't tempt me. I _will_ use this."

Soundbite opened his mouth—

" _Arghghgggrgh…"_

And then shut it just as swift with a blink of confusion. "UHHH… _**that wasn't me?"**_

"No, it was him," Zoro said, jabbing a thumb towards Corto. Following his gaze, Chopper's eyes widened; the luchador was shuddering on the ground, gurgling on the blood and foam that was shoving its way out of his throat.

"What did you do to him!?" the reindeer demanded, rushing over to the large pirate's side and starting to look him over.

"I did jack _shit!"_ Cross growled. "Damn it, I knew them getting up was suspicious. I think they _all_ dosed themselves with something to keep fighting, but Corto's ODing because his _brother of the year_ gave him an extra dose earlier so that he could walk off a Gastro-Blast!"

"Damn damn damn _damn…"_ the doctor cursed, intently looking the pirate over. "Fever, low blood pressure… Cross, did you see where he was injected?"

"Uh… he grabbed his neck when he first got up."

Chopper gently tilted Corto's head back and forth, and his eyes widened in shock when he beheld a _visibly_ growing discoloration on his neck. "What on… this rash looks like toxic shock syndrome, only it's on steroids! What the hell did he take?!"

"Going by how they all managed to get up after Cross kicked their asses? Something _stupidly_ effective that doesn't like to be double-dosed?" Nami hesitantly offered.

Chopper's eyes darted about in frantic thought. "Shit shit shit _shit,_ and I can't give him an antibiotic if I don't know what that was…" Suddenly, he clicked his hooves. "Ah! I can still see the infection spreading, meaning it hasn't had time to circulate yet! Still dangerous though…" Chopper eyed Corto for a moment before shrugging. "Meh, he can survive losing a pint or two."

"A pint or two of wha— _HURK!"_ Yoko's question promptly died in her throat as Chopper suddenly withdrew an empty and very large syringe from his pack and jammed it in Corto's neck. Slowly, he pulled the plunger out, along with a _considerable_ amount of the luchador's blood.

"Alright…" Chopper nodded with a relieved smile as he observed that not only had the luchador's seizure abated, but his rash had stopped spreading. "That seems to have done it, now let's see just…. What… the _hell…"_ Chopper's jaw slowly dropped in shock and horror as he held the syringe up to eye-level and watched as the blood held within visibly shifted its coloration.

"Ah, holy _hell…"_ Cross brought his fist to his mouth with a sickly moan. "That just can _not_ be right."

Chopper stared for a moment longer before scowling in utter fury. He then marched up to one of the less fried Amigo mooks, grabbed their collar and wrenched them up to stare into his infuriated eyes. " _Who gave you this drug!?"_ he snarled. " _You bastards aren't smart enough to have made it on your own! Who gave it to you?! Who gave you this—this_ poison!?"

The Amigo pirate gurgled in terror, visibly struggling to stay conscious. "I-It… b-but that's not… i-it was… h-he told us—!"

" _A NAME!"_

Shivering like mad, the pirate stammered out a single word. "I-I-In… di… go…" And with that, the pirate's eyes rolled up into his head and he collapsed entirely.

" _Useless!"_ Chopper swore. Dropping the pirate, the doctor went still for a solid minute. When he turned back to Cross, the cyan anger was still there, just… buried. "Please tell me you know this 'Indigo'."

"If _this_ is the shit he's peddling?" Cross scowled down at Corto's ravaged body. "I wish I did, if only so I could let you dissect his most assuredly _twisted_ ass." He shook his head. "The only guy I know of who could come up with something like this has a totally different name, didn't use aliases from what I saw, is on the wrong side of the Red Line, and is more into weapons than boosters anyway. Sorry."

"Tsk…" The human-Zoan ground his hoof into his temple before heaving a deep sigh and glancing at the onlooking mayor. "I need help hauling these morons back to their vessel, where I can make sure none of them are going to get melted from the inside out before we send them on their way. Could you spare a few of your townsfolk or…?"

"Oh, no, that's perfectly fine!" Fabre nodded hastily. "I think we have a few carts we can use, too! We'll fetch them right away for you."

"I'll come with you," Chopper nodded morosely, following the mayor back into the town.

The rest of the Straw Hats could only watch as their doctor walked off in silence, his shoulders slumped and speaking of considerable stress. Once he was out of sight, though, the captain of their ship's guard heaved a massive sigh and clapped his flippers together. "Well!" he announced in a lamenting tone. "Not that this hasn't been _fun,_ but I've worn my flippers raw splitting trees all day, and I wanna put that practice to practical use. Either someone gives me a good fight, or—!"

"CAREFUL WHAT YOU **wish for,** _ **blubber-brain,"**_ Soundbite snickered.

The dugong glanced at the mollusk in confusion—

" _GWOOOOOGH!"_

And then grinned in absolute _elation_ as an insectoid war cry warbled out, and a massive shadow shot over the meadow. Before the onlookers' eyes, Boss Kabuto, even larger than he'd been when the Straw Hats had first laid eyes on him, landed on a nearby hill, roaring and snorting as he pawed at the ground and swung his beady eyes around in search of a good brawl.

"HE CAME THIS WAY BECAUSE _**he smelled a load of strangers AND HE WANTS TO TEST OUT HIS NEW UPGRADES…"**_

Boss Kabuto's gaze latched onto the downed Amigo Pirates, and as soon as he processed that there was no fun to be had, he slumped with a disappointed warble.

" _AND that_ _SHOULD REQUIRE NO TRANSLATION."_

"Boss!" Yoko cried, running forward and embracing her friend's horn. "You're looking great! But you shed so early, are you alright?"

The beetle grunted reassuringly, though his demeanor was tense. It didn't take Yoko long to realize, and she looked down. "I'm sorry about earlier, Boss. I was… I was being stupid."

Boss slowly blinked, and then began rubbing her gently with a couple of feelers. Before long, Yoko was laughing uncontrollably. "HAHAHAHA! S-S-Stop it, Boss, that t-tickles! A-And!" She shoved the feeler away with a tearful smile. "I-I still have to say something important…"

The feelers pulled back, and Boss followed, his expression one of confusion. "I… I'm sorry for being prejudiced," she apologized sincerely, soothingly rubbing his carapace. "The Straw Hats… they were right, I was wrong. About… a lot of things. The most important thing being that not all pirates are bad." She glanced over her shoulder and gave the Straw Hats a sad smile. "Especially not these ones."

"Don't worry about it," Nami cut in, waving off her concerns with a kind smile. "Many of our crew members used to feel the same way, myself included."

Yoko nodded in acknowledgement. "Yeah, I was wrong about you guys…" Then, _sloooowly,_ she allowed a wide grin to spread over her face. "But there was _one_ thing I wasn't wrong about!"

And with that, she spun back around and used Boss-K's horn to make him look her in her eager eyes. "My best badass bug-friend in the whole wide world can still kick the asses of your rubber brained idiot and your smelly blubberbutt, at the same time and with every single last handicap you can think of, all without breaking a sweat! Isn't that right, Boss!?"

Boss Kabuto only hesitated long enough to give his best friend a look of shock before rearing up on his hind-legs and roaring his defiance to the high heavens.

"THAT'S A FIGHTING ROAR RIGHT THERE!" Boss Dugong cackled euphorically, unwinding his rope-dart and spinning it into a blur.

"GO, BOSS, GO!" The TDWS cheered as one from a safe distance.

" _FINALLY!"_ Luffy whooped, shooting to his feet and windmilling his arm just as fast as his aquatic Boss. "I'M STUFFED, I'M PISSED AND I'M READY TO BRAWL! _LET'S DO IT!"_

"Back the hell up!" Zoro called out, leading the charge _away_ from the prepping fighters. "These three aren't going to stop until this whole field's a crater!"

"And it's going to be _glorious!"_ Nami cheered, beri signs flashing in her eyes even as she used her Eisen Cloud to cart away the fallen Amigo Pirates in a… _less_ than gentle manner. "All three fighters are local celebrities, and this is the prize fight of the _decade!_ I'M GOING TO CLEAN UP WHAT PROFIT THIS TOWN HAS TO OFFER! FIVE PERCENT OF THE HAUL TO WHOEVER HELPS ME WITH THE BETTING!"

"AYE, MA'AM!" the TDWS barked, hot on Nami's heels as she charged into town.

Yoko was no exception to the general evacuation, and she only paused as she ran to glance up at Cross. "You think… that we're… far enough yet?"

The tactician opened his mouth, before almost choking on his tongue as an earth-shattering impact, an ear-shattering roar, and a skin-blistering blast of blazing air washed over them. "Signs point to _nope!"_ He glanced over his shoulder with a cocked eyebrow. "And just for the record, your badass beetle breathes _fire?!_ I am _officially_ jealous."

"Hey, what's going on?! _Are you idiots stressing your—?!_ IS THAT THE GIANT BEETLE YOU GUYS TALKED ABOUT EARLIER!? AND IS IT BREATHING _FIRE!? SO COOOOOOL!"_

"Oh, that's nice!" Cross sighed with an honestly relieved smile as a euphoric squeal sounded out. "Chopper's been so serious lately, it's a relief to know he's still got _some_ kid in him, you know?"

"Heh, if you say so! And you didn't see Boss's fire before? Yeah, he's awe—wait, _what?_ " Yoko glanced at the fight, and then did a double take as she saw what her friend was doing, a massive grin splitting her face. "Whoa, _that's_ new! It was just fireballs before, not an actual flamethrower! Boss is even _more_ awesome now!" Said grin slipped as she started to lag behind. "Or… _not_ if I wind up getting roasted by it…"

"Can't have that, can we? Alley-oop!"

"Say wha— _WAGH!"_ Yoko yelped as she suddenly found herself getting scooped onto the pirate's back. "Watch it, you stinking pirate bast—ah…"

Cross, meanwhile, just barked out a laugh. "Make me, you stuck-up Marine brat!"

Yoko blinked in surprise before snickering right back. "Swashbuckling ne'er-do-well! Ah, but, before you reply," she hastily cut him off with a sheepish grin. "While an insult back-and-forth _would_ be fun, your captain said something about you, uh, being smart and knowing a lot about how the world works and stuff?"

Cross immediately perked up, adopting a truly devilish grin. "Ooooh, a chance to corrupt the mind of the youthful, ignorant and innocent?"

"'TIS AS GOOD AS _**OUR BIRTHDAY!**_ **WOOHOOHOO!"** Soundbite chortled in agreement.

Yoko swallowed heavily as her face drained of blood. "I suddenly regret absolutely everything ever."

"Too late!" Lassoo and Funkfreed laughed from where they were bringing up the rear.

Cross started to nod, before suddenly casting a glare over his shoulder at Funkfreed. "And we're not riding you _why_ exactly?!"

"…yoooou never asked?"

"If you make me, _so help me, ivory farm—!"_

"Up and at 'em!"

"WHOA!" Yoko could only gape in shock as she suddenly found the pirate she'd been foisted on himself foisted onto the back of his elephant sword. She blinked slowly before gracing Cross with a goofy grin. "…I take it back: you guys aren't weird. You're _fun!"_

"All that and more, little lady!" Cross swept his hat off in a mock-bow before giving her a toothy smirk. "Now… where would you like me to start?"

And so, with a brawl for the ages as the backdrop, another soldier in the war against immorality and injustice was slowly and surely forged.

 **-o-**

A world away, a large and imperious man puffed on a cigar, his eyes scanning over the dominion he had claimed for himself. The dominion that would be the vehicle of his conquest… and his vengeance.

At the sound of farting rubber behind him, said man cocked an eyebrow but didn't look away from his view. "Something you need to tell me, Doctor?" the Imperious Man rumbled.

"Piro piro piro," a high-pitched voice chuckled behind him. "Oh, nothing too critical, I assure you. I just thought I'd inform you that I've just gotten a report: the Amigo Pirates have been soundly defeated."

"…the who?"

"Piro piro, I'm not surprised you don't remember them." The Laughing Man grinned as he crossed his arms behind his head, his shoes flatulating quite loudly as he shifted his weight from side to side. "They were the crew that applied to be our 51st Division. You set them the condition of retrieving an old prototype of the Kaen Kabuto line that managed to escape a few years back. _Long_ obsolete by now, but it would have been nice to dissect it, see how time affected its evolution. But, ah well."

The Imperious Man was silent for a few seconds before scratching his head and grunting. "Ah, right, I remember 'dem now. Eh, no big loss, they were just intended to be cannon fodder anyway. Still, so long as we have an opening…" The Imperious Man reached a hand into his jacket and held a sheet of paper over his shoulder. "Send an invitation to them. They've quieted down recently, but they did raise some impressive hell in a short amount of time. They'll fill in our ranks quite nicely."

"Piro piro~! As you order, Captain!" the Laughing Man sang as he snatched up the paper.

The Imperious Man glanced back at the laugher. "What's got you in such a good mood?"

"Two things, sir!" The Laughing Man donned a massive grin as he held up a gloved finger. "First, even though they were total failures, the plant I had in the Amigo's crew has sent me back some _excellent_ data on a project I've been working on!"

"Which would be?"

"Behold!" The Laughing Man proffered his hand, displaying a pair of vials that contained a viscous, reddish-orange solution. "Booster IQ, or BIQ for short. Basically IQ Serum for the common footsoldier. Heals wounds, replenishes stamina, the whole nine yards. In essence, a supersoldier elixir!"

"Hmmm…" The Imperious Man took a long drag from his cigar before side-eyeing the Laughing Man. "And I take it the reason you had yet to tell me about it is that it's still incomplete? And you used these… Amiibo Pirates or whatever as lab rats?"

"PIRO PIRO PIRO PIRO PIRO!" the Laughing Man cackled, eagerly tossing the vials in the air and juggling them about. "The morons never suspected a thing! Bought my spiel about it being 'a sign of our allegiance and trust' hook line and sinker and didn't even ask for change! Ahh, but for all that they were weak idiots, at least they gave us some valuable data!" The Laughing Man's grin then became downright savage as he clutched the vials. "In more ways than one."

The Imperious Man snorted out a cloud of smoke. "How could a bunch of weaklings who couldn't even capture a single obsolete beetle be good as anything other than warm bodies?"

"Why," the Laughing Man sneered as he replaced the vials in his pockets. "Precisely because it _wasn't_ the beetle that defeated them."

"Oh? Then what did?"

"Who, sir, not what. And in this case'…" The Laughing Man withdrew a sheet of paper from his lab coat and held it out to the Imperious Man, displaying the picture printed upon it to him.

The picture of a widely smiling kid.

"The 'who'," the Laughing Man chuckled grimly. "Was none other than the Straw Hat Pirates."

The air around the Imperious Man suddenly tensed as he stared at the bounty held before him, and it was with slow and deliberate movement that he grasped said paper and for himself. "Is 'zat so?" he asked in the rumble that was his version of quiet.

"I'm completely certain," the Laughing Man nodded politely. "In fact, it was the Voice of Anarchy himself who _personally_ dealt with the lot of them. Hard to mistake _that_ voice when it's throwing out taunts, you know."

The Imperious Man tuned out the Laughing Man's words, instead focusing all his attention on the bounty. On a single aspect of the picture.

An aspect that had been burned into his mind on _that fateful day_ twenty-two years past.

"That… damn… _smile,"_ the Imperious Man snarled, the paper crumpling in his grip.

"Pi~ro pi~ro," the Laughing Man sang, swinging back and forth on his flatulent heels. "I take it this means we're taking a detour after we _reintroduce_ ourselves to the good soldiers of Marineford?"

The Imperious Man exhaled a malevolent rumble of smoke, his mouth set in a deep scowl. "You've got _that_ damn right, Doctor."

"PIRO PIRO! Wonderful!" the Laughing Man sang gleefully as he clapped his hands together. "I'll go and prepare that which I can for the festivities! If we don't sink them outright, then they'll make _wonderful_ whetstones for my creations! See you later~!" And with that, the Laughing Man turned to swagger off.

"Hold it."

Before suddenly freezing in place, cold sweat coating his body as existential terror filled his body.

"Relax, relax, you're not in trouble," the Imperious Man waved his hand dismissively, causing the Laughing Man to relax. "I'm just curious is all. You haven't been miming your responses lately, Doctor. Why is that?"

And just like that the Laughing Man tensed up again, but for a _completely_ different reason, as his tense smile revealed. "Forgive me, sir, if I've been a bit serious lately. But I've quite simply had no other choice _but_ to double down and focus on my work. After all…" The Laughing Man's hands snapped into trembling fists, his teeth starting to grind against one another. "At the cusp of the unveiling of my twenty-year masterpiece, I'm at risk of getting shown up by a little pirate _brat_ who hasn't been on the sea for more than a year, and who _hasn't even reached the age of majority!_ Why do you think I came up with BIQ, hm!? I need to prove that that little furry _rat_ doesn't have shit on me! I— _ah…piro piro piro…"_

The Laughing Man trailed off into a grim chuckle, a hand hiding his murderous grin. "My apologies, sir, I lost my composure for a moment. But. Rest assured, my mind is still as on-task as ever. And if you do indeed miss my dancing, well. Rest assured, you _will_ see it once more in this lifetime. I shall dance anew. Oh yes, I shall dance…"

The Laughing Man spun around, his face the mask of insanity that spewed forth maddened laughter, a pair of viridian flames dancing in the palms of his hands. "I SHALL DANCE IN THE PHOSPHOROUS-CHARRED ASHES OF THE ACCURSED EAST BLUE! PIRO PIRO PIRO PIRO!"

The Imperious Man adopted an evil smile of his own as he watched the mad doctor. "That's an _excellent_ answer, Doctor…"

The Imperious Man then turned to face his dominion and spread his arms wide with a raucous roar. "A MOST EXCELLENT ANSWER INDEED! JIHAHAHA! _JIIII_ HAHAHAHAAAAA!"

 **-o-**

"…and as we left, his last word to us was congratulating us for beating him at his own game. Last I heard, the base got rid of any lingering budget problems thanks to relocating a nearby training grounds to inside the base. They certainly had the room for it, from what I saw."

Cross sat up from his reclined position against one of the barrels set up to be loaded onto the Sunny, a soft smile on his face. "But anyways, yeah. Decent Marines are those kinds of people, and anyone who puts their life on the line like that has my respect."

Yoko nodded slowly, her expression carefully neutral; the differentiation between good and decent Marines was even more eye-opening for her than the way Cross had fought off the Amigo Pirates, and the countless examples he had cited of the nicer sorts of pirates like Whitebeard and Shanks, and the wicked Marines like Nezumi and Onigumo…

Her image of her father remained as untarnished as it had always been. Improved, even, seeing how he'd managed to stay moral and uncorrupt in a world like this, but the fact remained: beyond him, her black and white view of the world had been forced into color.

"Wow…" she breathed softly, her mind awhirl as she contemplated the new information she'd been granted. She then glanced up at Cross as a thought struck her. "But, wait… I-I'm just a _kid._ A kid who spent the whole day trying to get you and your friends kicked off this island! Why… Why _tell me_ all this? Why… spare me a second thought?"

Cross blinked at her in surprise before quirking up a smile, standing and adjusting his cap. "That, little lady," he chuckled. "Is a question whose answer is _entirely_ up to you."

Yoko frowned thoughtfully, but before she could ask anything further Cross had already walked off, intent on doing one last round through his crewmates before they set off.

His first stop was the most prominent feature to be found on the beach: a titan-sized beetle that the crew's human-reindeer doctor was keeping drugged into drowsiness. Once he was close, Cross looked over the makeshift barrel-turned-IV that Chopper and Donny were making use of. "Lemme guess… you _never_ thought you'd wind up in a situation like this, am I right?"

Chopper sighed, shaking his head with a wry smile. "Well, while I never could have foreseen having to use my new Cherry Blossom Slumber on my captain, a kung-fu fighting dugong, and a giant beetle because they were at risk of splitting the island or each other's heads in half, I'm not complaining. At least Project Panacea's gotten a lot more data out of the deal!" He then graced Cross with an honest smile. "Plus, in between the heart-pounding, life-threatening situations, it's been really fun too!"

" _PLUS THE TERRIFYING STUFF IS FUN TOO!"_ Soundbite laughed, though he just as swiftly waved his eyestalk dismissively. " **Yeah yeah, I know, different opinions.** _By the way, on the bash brothers, didn't you give them_ _ **a chance to**_ **CALL IT OFF?"**

"Whether you were listening to me when it happened or not, you should know that they wouldn't, and didn't," Chopper responded with a roll of his eyes, tugging the mega-sized needle he was using out of a chink in Boss-K's armor and giving his carapace a final pat farewell. "Anyways, I estimate this one won't have his dose wear off until we're past the horizon, even though his immune system is _insane,_ and I have our own crazies chained up in my office and drugged to the gills. So we should be good to go."

Boss-K warbled morosely as he shifted in place, trying and failing to get his dizzied legs under himself. "Gwowowooooo _oooot_ fair, I just wanted a… good…" Boss trailed off, blinking in surprise on account of how he'd _actually_ started talking, in a deep voice. "What the—!?"

"Finally!" Cross shot a look at his partner out the corner of his eye. "Nice choice for Andre, but still, took you long enough, didn't it?"

" _LICK MY SLIMY ASS,_ **it took me hours** _to get a start on just_ **WHAT HE WAS SAYING!"** Soundbite _tsk_ ed sharply _._

"I'm with the wild-tongued wonder," Chopper concurred.

"SASSY! _YOU'RE LEARNING!"_

The reindeer-human flashed a sign at Soundbite with his hoof before continuing. "Boss's dialect, whatever it is, is as foreign to me as it is to him. For once, I can only understand one of an animal's voices."

"Well, I for one am perfectly happy with the results!" Boss Kabuto rumbled happily, rubbing a leg beneath his horn. "I'm still a bit sore that I can't finish one of the best fights of my life, but this is a close second!"

"Hmm…" Chopper frowned inquisitively as he looked the titan-sized beetle over. "Yeah, speaking about that, you _were_ going at it pretty rough. Boss and Luffy are no pushovers, and you _look_ good, but are you sure you're alright?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm perfectly fine," Boss said dismissively, tapping a leg to the underside of his thorax. "I've gone through way worse in the past. They're tough, sure, but a couple of lightweights like them aren't going to cause me any kind of permanent damage. When I was younger, I'd have been food. But now, after all this time…" Boss bobbed his head side to side. "Way I am now… probably take a hit from an Alpha or something to really ding my shell."

Chopper's frown deepened. "And… you know that _how_ exactly? And what's an 'Alpha' for that matter?"

Boss froze in place, staring at nothing. "U-Uhhhh…"

"UNASKED QUESTION, _BIG BOY: WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU FROM?"_ Soundbite unabashedly queried. " **SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE GRAND LINE-NATIVE,** _ **that much is clear,**_ **but you're completely out of synch** _with this island's ecosystem!_ **Everything else has East Blue as a** _ **BASELINE, BUT YOU'RE WAY ABOVE THAT LINE!"**_

"Final count," Cross brought up the rear, though his tone was far more cordial. "How… exactly _did_ you come to live here?"

"I… ah… I…" Boss blinked dimly, bringing a leg to his armored brow. "I-It was so long ago, but I… I remember, I… I-I fell. I fell, to the island. From high up… farther than I could ever fly, going either way?"

Chopper and Cross exchanged surprised looks. "A… sky island, you mean?" Cross clarified. "An island made of clouds?"

Boss rumbled uncomfortably and shook his head, his gaze slowly turning skyward. "No… it was… it was normal. There was earth, there were trees, there were… there were…" The beetle's voice hitched, his mandibles clicking together.

"…other… animals?" Chopper offered warily.

Boss warbled again, this time mournfully, and it was with no small amount of alarm that the pirates watched the beetle's eyes slowly cloud over. "So many…" he whispered. "So many… always fighting… never stop, can't rest, can't stop. Stopping means dead. Weak means starving. Means dead. Have to fight… have to live…" Boss suddenly hunched over, chittering furiously as his wings fluttered and spasmed beneath his shell in obvious panic. "Have to… have to _run…_ have to have to have to… can't stay, can't… Had to leave… had to leave madness… had to leave the… had to leave the… the…"

At that point, the beetle's newfound eloquence vanished, replaced by the feral rumblings as he sunk into what all present could tell was a PTSD flashback. It was only allowed to last for a couple of seconds before Chopper managed to replace Boss's IV and put him back under.

"I think I'll let him drain the barrel," Chopper stated sadly.

"Smart move," Cross nodded before glancing at his partner. "What was he saying at the end?"

" _ **Same thing, over and over.**_ **COULDN'T GIVE YOU A DIRECT TRANSLATION,** _SO I think IT WAS A NAME. Closest I can give you…"_ Soundbite gave Cross an honestly morbid look. " **He was saying 'Realm Ruled by Power', over and over again.** AND I DON'T THINK YOU NEED ME TO TELL YOU THAT HE WAS _TERRIFIED_ OF THE PLACE."

"Completely traumatized," Chopper shook his head sadly. "I shudder to think what could have scared someone like him so bad it's still fresh in his mind, even now."

"Easy money says we'll be finding out soon, little guy."

All three of them looked up in surprise as someone made their presence known.

"Sanji?" Chopper asked.

The cook blew out a cloud of smoke before gesturing at the other blond on the crew. "Walk and talk, Cross."

Perplexed, the tactician followed the chef away from the reindeer and beetle. His perplexion grew when the chef led him to where Zoro and Nami were relaxing and drinking as the TDWS loaded the supplies. Before Zoro could open his mouth with a customary insult, Sanji spoke.

"It's obvious that you don't know about any of what's going on here, Cross," he said sternly. "But whether you saw it or not, this world is still part of the story you read, and while I was growing up, I learned way more about comic book plotlines than I ever wanted to."

Zoro remained silent, while Cross and Soundbite both seemed bewildered. Naturally, it was Nami who leaned forwards and spoke up. "What are you saying, Sanji?"

"I'm saying that it's no coincidence that we wound up here just in time to keep this place from being blown off the map and that beetle from being spirited away to who-knows-where," Sanji huffed around his cancer-stick. "This is just a preview for us; I'd bet my best shoes that whoever this 'Indigo' is, we're going to be running into him soon. And I'd bet just as much that he and whoever he's with is no pushover if he could hire an _entire_ pirate crew to act as mercenaries. More importantly, that beetle isn't normal even by Grand Line standards, and when you couple that with those faulty steroids that the Amigo Pirates had—"

"Indigo was behind Boss Kabuto, too," Cross finished, frowning. "And if you add _that_ to the PTSD, Boss wasn't the only monster he created…"

"In short, Cross," Sanji finished. "If you don't have a plan, you need to make one."

The first and second mates both contemplated that for a second before turning their own gazes on the tactician.

Cross stared at Sanji, and it was several seconds before he spoke. "I'll admit that that's good reasoning, Sanji, but there are two problems with that assumption. First, Oda acquired the nickname of 'Goda' and the phrase 'Goda never forgets' for his brilliance in the form of _long-term_ plots. Things like meeting Brook and happening to have befriended Laboon, or meeting Oimo and Kashi and happening to have befriended Dorry and Broggy, or whatever Lola's Vivre Card will do for us in Totland. Pft, hell!" Cross shrugged casually. "Easy money says that one day, the fact that you're a North Blue native'll rear its head in more ways than just familiarity with the tale of Noland."

Sanji's jaw tightened to the point that he almost sliced his cigarette in half, the back of his neck suddenly _soaked_ in cold sweat. "Looking forward to it," he mumbled.

"But anyway, that's beside the point. The more important implication, for me, is that all of this just _screams_ 'New World' to me. I mean, seriously…" Cross waved his hand at the slumbering beetle. "An island full of _that?_ And a normal island in the sky at that? Apart from Upper Yard, I can only see that happening on the other side of the Line. The story didn't show much beyond a few islands, but what it did show? There's a _reason_ this half of the reason of the Grand Line is called 'Paradise'."

Sanji frowned, clearly not satisfied.

"There's just one problem with that theory, Cross."

Everyone looked at Zoro, who had his arms folded and was staring with narrowed eyes at Cross. "Everything you know is based off of a world where you never existed, where the SBS never existed. In this world, we've been letting the entire world know about our adventures for months. We can't assume that we haven't given anyone that side of the Red Line any ideas with everything you've broadcast. Just look at Chopper."

"…fair point," Cross nodded his head in concession. "But there's also a counterpoint—!"

" **And I know it!"** Soundbite piped up swiftly. "LEMME SUMMARIZE WHAT YOU'RE TELLING US: _**Something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time,**_ **SO WE NEED TO LOOK SHARP!"** The snail adopted a flat look. " _I trust you see the issue?"_

Sanji and Zoro's faces reddened, and the former lit a cigarette while the latter took another swig of sake in attempts to shake off the blunt statement of the issue with their points.

"Yeah, I see the problem, too," Nami sighed, shaking her head. "We _do_ know just how hard it is to fight a ghost-enemy."

"I could give you a few pointers if you want~!" came a sing-song ethereal voice above their heads.

Cross's response was to flash the faux-princess a specific finger. "Keep moving, phantom bitch, I'll deal with you in a moment."

"Right!" Perona yelped, shooting off into the distance.

Nami watched her go with a cocked eyebrow, then gave Cross a chastising look. "She's not _that_ bad, you know."

"Mountain! _Faceplant!"_

"Alright, alright," the navigator said, her hands raised in surrender. "Just don't hurt her, okay?"

"Hurt? Oh, no, _never."_ Cross grinned as he splayed his fingers against one another. " _Majorly inconvenience,_ however? Pfheheheh…"

Nami shook her head, then turned her head in the direction of the Dugongs, who were just finishing up. "Alright, looks like we're just about ready to go. Soundbite, who else is out on the island besides Chopper?"

The snail took a moment to concentrate before answering. " **Just Vivi,** _ **Robin,**_ _and Conis,_ AND THEY'RE ALL _**HEADING THIS WAY with their respective partners.**_ **PLUS, CHOPPER'S FINISHING UP WITH BOSS TOO."**

"Perfect!" Nami got to her feet and dusted her hands off. "Let's get going, then."

"Ah, just one second," Cross said, then looked at his partner. "Connect me to Fabre and Yoko."

Soundbite didn't question it, nor did anyone else. As soon as the snail nodded, Cross spoke a few soft sentences before chopping his hand across his neck. No sooner was that done than the pirates boarded their ship.

As he passed by Robin, Cross couldn't help but notice how there was a slight… no, a _visible_ spring to her step. "What's got you so happy?"

Robin's response was to _beam_ in the most childish, endearing, and _un-Robin-ish_ manner possible, which almost incited a straight up _heart attack_ from the poor bastard and his partners. "Oh, I've just _finally_ achieved one of my most cherished dreams. …er, well…" She tapped a finger to her chin. "Not the one you're thinking of, a cherished _childhood_ dream. But still, very near and dear! I'd love to stay and talk, but I'm afraid I have _things_ I must attend to, so if you'll excuse me~!" And with that, she was gone as fast as she'd come.

Cross stared after her in slack-jawed horror before slowly turning his gaze on Conis and Vivi, and at the dead look in their eyes he suddenly _understood_ on a primal level what a thousand-yard stare was. "…dare I even _consider_ asking?"

Su and Carue gave their partners comforting pats on their shoulders before glancing at Cross. "You _really_ don't want to know,"

Cross nodded in understanding, but before he could say anything further a sharp whistle cut across the deck, snagging his attention.

"ALRIGHT, YOU BUMS!" Nami shouted from where she stood positioned next to Merry and the helm. "MUSCLEMEN, WEIGH ANCHOR! THE REST OF YOU, I WANT THOSE TOPSAILS AND FORESAILS DOWN TWO MINUTES AGO! _WE'RE BURNING FOAM FOR SABAODY, THEN FISHMAN ISLAND!_ "

"AYE-AYE, MA'AM!" most of the Straw Hats crew chorused.

"And I'm still our communications officer _why,_ exactly?" Cross muttered to himself.

"WHAT WAS THAT!?"

" _YOU HEARD THE WOMAN! WEIGH ANCHOR, DROP MAST! LET'S GO GO_ GO!"

And so the Straw Hats leapt to action, maneuvering their vessel up and out through the island's reefs…

"HEEEEY! STRAW HATS!"

But they all paused when a voice suddenly sounded out, and some quick maneuvering allowed them to see that the whole of the island's population was arrayed on the shore, waving them farewell, but none more animatedly than Yoko, the girl seated on a still-bleary Boss's back and waving her arms like a girl possessed.

"THANKS SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU DID FOR US!" she called out. "WE'LL NEVER FORGET IT! AND… I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH WHAT YOU TOLD ME! I'M GOING TO DO MY FATHER PROUD! I'M GOING TO FIGHT FOR JUSTICE! HONEST, _TRUE_ JUSTICE! BUT…"

Yoko smiled from ear-to-ear and crossed her arms over her chest, which puffed out in pride. "I'LL STILL BE A MARINE, AND YOU'LL STILL BE PIRATES! THAT MEANS THAT IF WE CROSS PATHS, I'LL BE ARRESTING YOUR ASSES IN A HEARTBEAT, _SO WATCH YOUR BACKS!"_

In response, Cross plastered on a cocky smirk and signaled for Soundbite to amp him. "YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO MOVE FAST TO DO THAT, SHORTSTACK! THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE THAT'S GOT AN INTEREST IN OUR HEADS!" He then turned and pointed at the horizon. "WHAT SAY WE GO MEET THEM!?"

" _YEAH!"_

And with that final resounding cry, the Thousand Sunny and the Straw Hat Pirates departed from the Little East Blue.

Though, it should be noted that before they truly departed, Cross ambled up to the Ghost Princess's astral form and smirked up at her. "Just for the record," he purred in a too-innocent tone. "I'm _not_ going to torture you by holding my vengeance over your head the whole time we're together."

"Oh-thank-God!" Perona allowed the non-breath she'd been holding to whoosh out. "You're serious?!"

"Eeeyup!" And then suddenly, Cross's grin lost _all_ of its innocence. "I'm gonna have it right here, right now."

"Oh, well, that's al— _WHAT!?"_

But before Perona could say anything else…

 _BOOM!_

An explosion of discolored smoke erupted from the Sunny's crow's nest. Perona stared up at the structure in blatant horror, choked noises crawling out of her throat. "Did you just… _bomb_ my body?!" she squeaked.

"Bribed Merry to plant it!" Cross thumbed his non-existent suspenders as he swayed back and forth on his feet. "And… technically yes? I used a _specific_ bomb, as it was."

That was when the pieces fit together. "You. _Stinkbombed. My body,"_ Perona wheezed in horror.

"And _my room_ is not only airtight, but I don't mind wearing a gasmask to sleep to boot!" Cross walked off, laughing all the while. "Enjoy, Ghosty!"

Perona was an inch away from draining every bit of happiness from that insufferable young man, but somehow, she retained enough mental capacity to realize that that would lead to a cycle of revenge. And getting involved with one of those with the Voices of Anarchy was not something she had any desire to do.

…And ultimately, that reasoning wasn't quite enough to keep her from sending a Negative Hollow rocketing his way.

Or at least, she _tried_ sending a Negative Hollow at him, but she found that she… just couldn't find the will to do it. She just… couldn't draw up the sheer 'will to terrorize' she needed to do the deed.

Perona stared in horror at her hand, the implications sinking, before she slowly drifted away with a haunted look on her face. "I need to get the hell off this ship as soon as possible…" she muttered to herself.

 **-ONE WEEK LATER-**

"Captain, land ho! Kansorn Island is coming up on the port side!" called down the watchman.

"Very good," the captain rasped, approaching the edge of the ship to observe the island. His eyes narrowed almost immediately, picking something out of the air a moment before the watchman identified it.

"Captain, incoming! Gigantic Hercules beetle heading straight for us… with a girl in a Marine uniform on its back? And... I _think_ the beetle has our symbol painted on its flank?!" he added questioningly.

"Typical Ophiuchus: no shortage of help, no chance of normalcy," remarked one of the grunts.

"Indeed," Captain T-Bone agreed as he stood to his full height, his men clearing a large spot on the deck to allow the beetle to land.

The courtesy turned out to be unnecessary, however, as the beetle instead buzzed clean over the deck before circling around to hover in front of the deck, snorting and bucking its horn in defiance. The girl riding the mega-insect showed just as much nerve as she stood upon the beetle's back, folded her arms and fixed the Marines with a severe stare. Not quite a glare, but certainly far from inviting.

"State your business here!" the girl called out. "And I'm warning you, don't just take our markings for granted. If you're anything less than perfectly polite..."

The beetle snorted out a gout of flame from its horn, punctuating the point.

The display cowed most of the Marines, who lowered their weapons and stepped well back from the not-quite-hostile megafauna, while others drew their arms and prepared for combat.

Captain T-Bone did none of these things, and instead stepped forwards to regard the girl and her beetle with an even gaze. "Your name is Yoko, yes?" he rasped out over the buzz of the beetle's wings. "Daughter of Captain Ryudo? And your friend would be Boss Kabuto, correct?"

The pair of them gave no visible reaction, and after a moment, T-Bone continued. "My name is T-Bone. Captain 'Ship-Cutter' T-Bone. I'm here on a personal recommendation from a..." T-Bone hesitated slightly before sighing with a defeated smile. "From a _friend_ of mine."

"And I should care _why_ exactly?" Yoko questioned neutrally.

T-Bone allowed what little mouth he had left to quirk up into a smirk. "Because I think you _know_ this friend of mine. One… Ophiuchus?"

It took all of three seconds for that knowledge to process, following which Yoko and Boss's jaws promptly dropped open. "Holy _shit,"_ the girl breathed.

"And _that's_ proof enough for me that you've met the man in person," the Captain chuckled good-naturedly, a sunny demeanor shining through his gaunt visage. "Now, if you no longer suspect me…?"

"Ah!" Yoko gasped, hastily dropping to her knees and slapping Boss's shell, which in turn got the beetle dropping down onto the ship's deck. "I-I-I'm so sorry, Mister Captain T-Bone sir, t-t-that was, I-I-I was just trying to—!"

"Fahahaha, it's fine, it's fine!" the good Captain waved off the child's pleas, his smile unwavering the whole while. "I understand, I myself have recently come around to the same line of thought you hold, I can hardly fault you for exhibiting some measure of caution. But, for now!" T-Bone clapped his hands together. "We have business to attend to. I'm led to understand that your island's leader is one Mayor Fabre, yes?"

"A-Ah, yeah, that's right, but… Why do you ask?"

"Why, because I'd like to meet him of course!" the gaunt Marine laughed pleasantly. "And, more importantly, I have a proposition for him—and you, for that matter—that I believe you will find to be mutually beneficial."

 **-o-**

In short order, the ship was docked, and Yoko and Boss had informed Fabre of the situation. The mayor promptly welcomed the Captain publicly, leaving his men to shore leave while leading him on a tour. Almost immediately, Fabre led him to Boss's burrow, where the beetle and Yoko already waited. Leaning against a tree, the portly man cautiously regarded the captain.

"I don't know what I was expecting when he told the two of us as he left that he'd be sending long-term help our way and to trust anyone who knew that name, but the fact that he told us with utmost seriousness not to repeat it to anyone we didn't trust with our lives made me expect something much more… under the table, I suppose," he stated.

"I assure you, our work requires the utmost secrecy, and simply the knowledge of our existence is dangerous," T-Bone responded gravely, shaking his head. "And in any event, that's hardly relevant to why I am here; apart from my reference point, this is strictly Marine business. When I said mutually beneficial, I was referring to the terms of this island and the Navy as… well, not a whole, but a large amount, at least."

"How so?" Yoko tilted her head questioningly. "I mean, it's a small island with not a lot of people, it doesn't have any natural resources, it's far from patrol… routes…" The girl blushed and shrank in on herself as the mayor and Marine looked at her in surprise. "I, uh… I looked up the criteria for Marine bases. I hoped I could put in a petition for the Little East Blue, but… yeah."

"Heh," T-Bone nodded with a kindly chuckle. "You are indeed as smart as Cross claimed."

Yoko's blush deepened even further.

"In any case," T-Bone continued. "It is, in fact, exactly _because_ of your island's qualities, which Cross listed to me, that I believe the Little East Blue would be perfect for what I have in mind. A small island out of the way of patrols is indeed not a terribly convenient location for a base…" He smiled, his melted skin pulling taut across his skull. "But it is the _ideal_ location for a way station."

 _That_ got the island's natives gaping in shock.

"You... want to turn the Little East Blue into a Marine _vacation spot?"_ Fabre confirmed in an amazed tone.

"An idyllic island in the hell of the Grand Line, with absolutely no environmental issues and a perfectly normal populace? But of course!" T-Bone nodded. "Weary Marines will come by the battleship to relax and take in the taste of the East Blue..."

"And only an absolute _moron_ would think to attack an island with a half-dozen battleships at a time floating in its port! A-And even _then_ they'd be met with a _wall_ of blue!" Yoko finished in an eager rush. "Little East Blue wouldn't ever have to worry about pirates again!"

"Precisely," T-Bone confirmed. "All we would require would be a good number of Eternal Poses we can put to use, and those can be fashioned with all due swiftness. Unless I'm ill-informed, so long as you agree, you'll see your first visitors within the month."

"You're damn right we'll agree!" Fabre cheered, before standing up and shaking T-Bone's hand. "Thank you so much, Captain, this is beyond anything we could have ever imagined!"

"Yeah!" Yoko nodded eagerly, a motion that Boss mirrored. "There'll be loads and loads of Marines here all the time and—!" Yoko's cheer suddenly died mid-word, and her previous enthusiasm slowly drained out of her. "And they'll... all be able to meet... Boss..."

Boss glanced up at his friend, warbling inquisitively.

Yoko's head drooped for a long moment, before she looked back up to the Marine captain. "We can't go through with it," she said sadly. "If we did, other Marines would see Boss, they'd see how strong he is..." The girl splayed her fingers out against the beetle's shell. "And they'd take him away, wouldn't they? To use against other pirates?"

T-Bone pressed his non-existent lips together and nodded solemnly, a sad look in his eyes. "That is the most likely scenario, yes."

Fabre stiffened at the admission, and Yoko sighed sadly. Her head drooped again, brow coming to rest against Boss' horn, which drew another concerned warble from the beetle. "Thank you for your offer, Captain," Yoko mumbled despondently. "But... if it's a choice between my dream and Boss, then... there just _isn't_ a choice."

"...and what if I told you that I could give you both at once, no choice needed?"

Yoko snapped her head around so fast she came within a half-inch of whiplash. "R-Really!?"

Nodding, T-Bone began to pace, a finger held up in a clear sign of an impending lecture. "It is true that under normal circumstances, the Navy may express an interest in the unusual nature of your friend, and take him away to research him. However, there are times when Marine Headquarters makes allowances that subvert typical ordinances. These allowances are in respect to…" The Marine waved his hand airily. "Shall we say, _eccentric_ officers and their oddities. Examples include being permitted to wear a helmet and cape over a standard uniform, using a non-standard issue weapon, or being able to recruit a former pirate…"

The gaunt Marine smiled at the local guardians. "Or a giant beetle." All present could only gape as T-Bone continued. "Though, of course, recruiting one such as Boss Kabuto would be exceedingly difficult without also happening to have someone who was capable of working with him. Someone who knew him well."

At this point, Yoko was practically vibrating with joy, and Boss had his best grin on his face.

Fabre, however, was chewing on his pipe, clearly deep in thought. "Captain T-Bone… I have no doubt that you can train her well, and that Boss will be more than enough to protect her in the meantime. And believe me, I know better than anyone that Yoko is _more_ than willing to protect and serve but…" Growling in frustration, he threw his hands up. "But she's still only a child! Would your superiors honestly be able to accept this?"

T-Bone's mood visibly darkened, and his head tilted down just enough for his helmet to shadow his eyes. "There is a… _specific_ clause in the Navy's procedural rules. This clause allows minors to enlist in the Marine Corps… provided they have seen a loved one die before their eyes." He paused, a cold silence hanging over the group. "It is known… as the 'Bloody Tragedy' clause."

A breath hissed past Yoko's teeth, some of them biting into her lip hard enough to draw blood. "…that clause," she breathed. "It's supposed to breed indoc—uh, brainwashed soldiers who'll kill without asking any questions, isn't it?"

"It was penned by the most ruthless Marine alive today, Admiral 'Akainu' Sakazuki, to forge ruthless, vengeance-thirsty killers out of war-torn orphans," T-Bone confirmed with a ferocious glower. "As such, I feel it is only fitting to apply that policy in the pursuit of bringing about a kind, honorable, _decent_ Marine." The glower turned to Yoko, softening into a mere stern gaze in the process. "I do warn you, I will not go easy on you because of your age, or your partner. Your training will be harsh, rigorous and thorough. I was trained in the methods of a strictly traditional branch of Marine culture, and I will put you through the same gauntlet through which I once walked. Are you truly, honestly willing to follow in the footsteps of the countless others who came before you?"

For either an eternity or several seconds, Yoko kicked the idea around in her head. Finally, she looked up at Boss, looked him in the eye, and when he smiled down at her, she smiled back, and as one they smiled at the Captain.

"We're in," she said, Boss warbling in agreement.

Fabre promptly heaved out a heavy breath. Walking over to Yoko, he patted the girl on the back. "I honestly can't say that this is what your father would want," he stated. "But I _can_ tell you that he'd be proud. As am I."

"And I," T-Bone concurred. "There will be more pomp and circumstance…" The Marine winced as a thought struck him. "And _paperwork_ … at a later date. But at the moment?" The skeletal man held his hand out to the girl. "Allow me to be the first to welcome you to the illustrious ranks of the Marines…" His grin widened noticeably. "Seagirl Recruit Yoko."

Yoko outright _squealed_ with joy, leaping up to hug Boss's horn as he warbled just as happily.

"I suppose I'll leave you two to become acquainted," Fabre said, turning to walk away. "I need to inform the rest of the village of the way things will be from now on anyway."

"My second-in-command is Warrant Officer Knalf, he will assist you with spreading the word," T-Bone called after him. Once the mayor was off, he turned back to Yoko and Boss, looking serious as a heart attack. _That_ sobered up the two in a hurry. "Now that you're in my chain of command, however informally, there is another matter to attend to—"

" _Puru puru puru puru!"_

T-Bone's face twitched minutely, and he quickly retrieved a ringing snail from his jacket. Just as he was about to pick it up, though, he hesitated, and then looked at Yoko. "And that would actually be it. As you will be joining me as my protégé, you are entitled to certain… privileges. But I caution you, this is not for the faint of—"

"Sign me up," Yoko said firmly. "I've spent my whole life blindly chasing an ideal, and you can damn well bet I'm willing to fight to make that ideal into reality. I don't know what Cross is mixed up in, but if it's the right kind of pirates and the right kind of Marines, then I definitely want in."

T-Bone smiled wryly. "Glad to hear it, except for one detail. Mixed up in? Hardly… he's the founder."

The captain hid a smirk as the girl's jaw dropped briefly, only for her to click it shut and mutter about how that made too much sense.

The smirk fell from his face almost as soon as he picked up the receiver; his codename had barely crossed his lips before the snail adopted a dead-serious expression, and Black Cage Hina's voice sounded out in the same tone as a death knell.

" **We have a situation."**

 _ **A Crisis of World-Shattering Proportions**_

"Close to a _dozen_ islands annihilated in less than a month, all in the East Blue, and recently islands with civilians have started getting hit as well. Whoever's doing this—and I am _confident_ that they are a who—they're only getting started."

" **I think it goes without saying that the threat being presented is all too dangerous and all too real."**

 _ **An Odyssey into the Pits of Pandæmonium**_

" _This place is insane…_ **that's not a generalization, I'M BEING LITERAL!** _ **THIS WHOLE PLACE HAS LOST ITS MIND ON A PRIMAL LEVEL! Everything we've seen, everything we've experienced, it's all trumped by**_ THE SHEER MADNESS OF THIS HELLHOLE!"

" **Damn… whoever's doing this has to be some seriously** _ **special**_ **brand of twisted."**

 _ **All orchestrated by an Old Threat intruding upon the New Age**_

" _You_ actually think you can hurt _me?_ Jihahaha! Oh, this oughta be good for a laugh. Go right ahead… _give me your best shot."_

" **Well, at least we ain't going into this shitshow alone, right? All for one, one for all!"**

 _ **With Salvation and Devastation hanging in the balance, it's All Hands on Deck**_

"Looks like the Straw Hats have entered the building…"

"Which means that sanity can exit stage left! _Kyahahaha!"_

"Hehahaha! Ain't that the fuckin' truth right there!"

" **No matter what might come, we won't back down until the job is done and it's done** _ **right!"**_

 _ **One Rallying Cry can be heard on the Killing Ground: No Retreat, No Surrender**_

"…Captain. I can give you a hundred and one different plans, right here, right now, but only you can tell us what direction we're headed. Only you can tell us our destination. So… what's the play?"

"…I want to make him _pay."_

"Then we'll make him pay."

" **Everybody watch their backs. Something tells me that we're venturing into something this world has never seen before."**

 _ **In this War for the Right to Live, the only Law that reigns is Survival of the Fittest**_

"So. Final count, it's us two, a loud-mouthed third mate tactician with his partners and a first mate swordsman, against fifty of the strongest captains in Paradise, along with the top fighters in their crews. Close to five hundred pirates against two."

 _ **The Name of this Hell where the Only Options are to Fight or Die is…**_

"… _bring it on."_

 **STRONG WORLD**

" **In the end, no matter who rises or who falls, the facts remain the same. All this…"**

" _A dozen._ TWO DOZEN. _FIFTY,_ **A HUNDRED,** _**TWO HUNDRED**_ … _Sonnuva_ **bitch** , _**I THINK THE WHOLE DAMN ISLAND WANTS TO TRY ITS LUCK!"**_

" _Cross, do you have a plan?"_

" _Well, Luffy, considering how we're surrounded on all sides, vastly outnumbered, and have no way out and no hopes of backup or rescue… yeah, I think I have one."_

" _What is it?"_

K-CHK!

" _How does 'make a stand' sound to you?"_

" _IT SOUNDS GREAT! BRING IT ON!"_

" **Is nothing but a** _ **prelude**_ **of the days to come."**

 **Xomniac AN: Shoutout to TPO's beloved Vikingr, her factoid about musicians keeping the pace on ships helped us give Brook something to do in this chapter! Kudos, most brilliant writer!**


	62. Chapter 55 - Strong World Pt 1

**Cross-Brain AN: Yes, everyone, Part 1 only. We apologize profusely to those of you who voted that we publish this all at once; we hate going back on our word. But with the massive delay that the holiday season brought for us, which had a few people wondering about our well-being, we want to show you all that we're making progress.**

… **That, and if this installment is any indication, the full Strong World is going to be around 100k. Even we** **have to draw the line** _ **somewhere**_ **for absurdly long chapters.**

 **Anyway, we have the entirety of** _ **Strong World**_ **planned out; it will not be too long before we publish the next part as long as real life cooperates with us. Once more, our apologies for keeping you waiting, and for keeping you waiting longer for what comes next. But Part 2 will not take as long as this.**

 **With that said, time to get this show on the road! But first, a word from one of our members.**

 **Hornet AN: One word for y'all: psych!**

 **Cross-Brain AN: Have fun chewing on that until we publish Part 3!**

On a normal day, the docks of Marineford would be buzzing with activity as battleships and other Marine vessels sailed in and out of the docks, directed with clockwork precision by the harbor masters. Countless throngs of the Marines' elite would be bustling about, their every action done in some way to maintain the Justice that protected the peaceful lives of civilians the world over.

As such, the days where Marineford fell utterly silent were both vanishingly rare and the kind of day that led every Marine to fear their headquarters falling so silent.

This burnt orange, twilight-hued day was _very much_ one of those days.

"Well," Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp said through a grim smile, a muscle twitching in his jaw and his gaze directed skyward. "At least Senny can't blame _this one_ on me."

Despite being veritably surrounded by other Marines, it was doubtful that very many heard what he said. Their attention was skyward, gaping astonishment and existential terror written on their faces.

The source of this reaction was the sight of one of Marineford's indomitable, insurmountable fleets of battleships, the very symbol of the Navy's strength, floating listlessly through the air as if the multi-kiloton galleons had the density of cloud vapor.

As swiftly as the spectacle and the awed silence had descended upon Marine Headquarters, a raid siren _finally_ howling out over the island shattered it. Every last one of the gathered troops sprung to action, if only to scramble to find something to _do_ about this inexplicable event taking place above them.

As the soldiers scurried around him like so many rats, Garp snorted derisively. "Tch. The new generation's reaction time is _shit."_

"Cut them a break, Garp."

The Vice Admiral didn't look, instead watching out the corner of his eye as his sole acknowledged superior stepped up alongside him, looking up into the sky just like him.

"This generation has seen wonders and horrors aplenty over their lifetimes," Sengoku grimly stated. "But none have ever seen madness such as this. None but us."

"Madness…" Garp muttered, before he _tsk_ ed and lowered his head. "Yeah, that's really the only way to describe this. There's only one man powerful enough and mad enough to do such a thing—" A sharp inhalation cut Garp off, his gaze snapping back up but even higher than before.

"Tch…" Sengoku spat as he followed his friend's gaze.

Their reactions were due to a far bigger issue than a few floating battleships suddenly intruding onto the moment, freezing the entire island in its tracks again.

In fact, one could very reasonably call the new issue _island-_ sized. And that was no metaphor; a titanic _flying_ island that had somehow been retrofitted to serve as a ship that had just flown clean over the summit of Marineford, essentially buzzing the very office of the Fleet Admiral himself.

Sengoku could only glare in furious trepidation at the island-vessel soaring over the weightless battleships, its every motion a sneering taunt directed straight at him. "Damn it all… and so yet another threat comes crawling out of the woodwork. This one hailing from the age of Roger himself."

"Twenty years of silence, and he picks _now_ of all times to show his face again?" Garp growled, ignorant of the way his old friend twitched at his words. "One of Roger's own rivals, and the only man to ever manage to escape from the depths of Impel Down…"

The fabled Hero of the Marines glared daggers at the island-ship. Glared at the golden-maned titan he _knew_ was standing on the rear of the vessel, whose condescending _smirk_ he could all but feel in the very depth of his being.

"You haven't missed a step, have you?" Garp shouted up at the island. "Shiki, the Golden Lion!"

" _Jihahahahaaaaa!"_

Both Fleet Admiral and Vice Admiral stiffened at the deep, heavily accented voice that suddenly echoed out over Marineford from the island-ship, freezing many a soldier in their tracks.

"The _hell—?"_ Garp breathed.

" _Myyyy myyyy…"_ gloated the voice, a voice that had last sounded in Marineford twenty-five years prior, bringing as much terror now as it had back then. " _What's this now? I must say, Marineford, I'm quite disappointed! I step out for but a decade or two, and already you've forgotten my name? I come back and find that the fight that once made you all so fearsome has withered up into nothing, and that you're concentrating on worthless small fry? That just won't do, you know! After all… I haven't exactly been resting on my laurels for the last twenty years, see; I have_ big _plans, and it's finally time to put them into action. Finally time for the world to remember the sheer power of the Golden Lion Pirates! Ah… but hey, don't just take my word for it…"_

Garp and Sengoku tensed as the air suddenly felt greasy, with a hint of ozone. "Here it comes!" Garp bellowed out.

" _How about I offer you a taste… OF WHAT'S TO COME!"_

Two seconds passed following that announcement. Then, all at once, gravity reasserted itself upon the ten floating battleships. The vessels, sailors and all, plunged downward; some fell into Marineford's bay, the waves from the titanic impacts swamping the shores of the island and dragging countless more doomed soldiers beneath the surface. Others crashed on the land itself, crushing buildings or impacting on the edges of the island before crumpling into splinters.

One vessel careened headlong at the central pagoda of the island, but a swift backhand from the Marine Hero sent the impromptu projectile harmlessly tumbling away. Harmless for the island, mind, not the poor souls who had been trapped on the ship.

Garp spared a second to mourn for the waste of life before glaring at Shiki's retreating vessel, which had left the swath of devastation it had wrought far behind in favor of absconding to the heavens. "Damn it all… why couldn't the son of a bitch just keep quiet and remain a legend?" Garp growled. "What's he been up to? Has he been preparing all this time, just so that he could take his revenge?"

" _JIIIHAHAHAHAHAHA…"_

The laughter echoing over the harbor as the island-ship soared upward, already out of range and soon out of sight, answered Garp's rhetorical question very well.

Once the ship was well out of sight, Garp let out an aggravated sigh and reached up to scratch the back of his head. "Bastard… Well, no matter what he's up to, standing around isn't going to put out any fires. I'm gonna head down, start coordinating search and rescue, repairs, shit like that. At least get us into a _half_ decent state of affairs before some pirate or whatever gets any bright ideas."

"When you're done with that, Garp, report to me immediately," Sengoku said around the hand massaging his forehead. "As soon as I get a double-dose of my stress medication, I want you to be exactly where I can see you at all times."

"Eh?" Garp blinked at his superior in surprise. "And why the hell's that?"

"Because he gloated."

Garp blinked again. "Uh… come again?"

"Shiki," Sengoku elaborated, his gaze still affixed on the horizon. "Just now, he didn't just attack us like he normally would have. He _gloated_ first. In all our years of fighting him, not once has Shiki ever taken the time to grandstand like he did just now. So… what's changed? What, after twenty long years…" Sengoku's head slowly turned to glance over his shoulder. "Is different?"

Garp followed his old friend's gaze in confusion…

" _SHIT!"_ / " _DAMN IT, GARP!"_

And forced Sengoku to violently restrain him once he realized that Sengoku had been looking at a _Transponder Snail._

"YOU CAN'T JUST GO BARRELING OFF, YOU TITANIC IDIOT!" Sengoku bellowed furiously, very pointedly _not_ using his Devil Fruit abilities in wrestling Garp to the ground to keep him from bolting out the doors and most likely clean off the island.

"THE HELL I CAN'T, BASTARD!" Garp howled."THAT ARROGANT SON OF A BITCH CAN'T STAND THE IDEA OF SOMEONE ELSE IN THE SPOTLIGHT! HE'S STARTING A PISSING MATCH WITH THE STRAW HAT PIRATES! _HE'S GOING AFTER MY GRANDSON!"_

Several floors down from the ongoing madness, Vice Admiral Tsuru gazed mournfully out over the devastated landscape of Marineford. After a few seconds, her gaze shifted, casting a regretful glance at her snoozing Transponder Snail and silently lamenting that it would be many tense hours of lockdown before she'd be able to place a critical call without getting caught.

For the time being, she made a mental note to utilize Monkey's connections to ensure every Mason in both Zodiacs had a White Transponder Snail on hand as soon as possible. She then dialed the number of her surrogate sister, Vice Admiral Gion, to begin mustering as many forces as possible to salvage the drowning Marines; as a Devil Fruit user, there was only so much that the old woman could do herself.

Once that was done, and before she walked out to begin the long night's work, Tsuru cast a final glance out at the sun-baked horizon.

"This," she whispered to herself. "Is going to be an ordeal the likes of which the world has never before seen."

And so with those words did the ordeal begin. And with it… an odyssey.

 **The Cross-Brain Presents…**

 **Based on the hit-series by Eiichiro Oda…**

 **An adaptation of the blockbuster movie…**

 **For your enjoyment…**

 **STRONG WORLD**

 _Flying… floating… drifting… looking… looking… looking… looking down… looking_ **in…**

"Gwegh!"

I woke up with a snort, shooting up in my bed in shock. Slowly, I looked left and right, blinking numbly as I got my bearings, before raising my hands before my eyes to give my fingers a quick test.

Once I was sure they worked, I shook my head blearily. "Frickin' weird double-O.B.E. dreams…" I groused before flopping back. I then blinked as I saw Merry's face looking down on me. With a wide grin that showed only teeth and malice.

"Time to wake up, Cross…" she crooned _ever_ so gently, her tone of voice entirely discordant with her facial expression.

I blinked slowly before settling in with a sigh. "Still such weird dreams…"

"THE HELL IT IS!"

My eyes shot open at the sudden roar. "Wait, wha—?!"

 _THWACK!_

" _GAH!"_ I shot up with a howl of agony as a small but heavy mass _cannonballed_ into my stomach. Moving fast, I grabbed her head and tugged her cheeks out with my thumbs. "You little brat!" I wheezed. "What the hell do you have to say for yourself!?"

"Yoah fingersh tashte like shyrup," Merry mumbled out, smiling unabashedly all the while. "You should weally avoid dwinking cola before going to shweep, messhesh your shleep schedule up shomeshing fierche."

"Duly noted," I snarled menacingly, leaning in close so that we were eye to eye. "Now, any last words before I _drown you in the fishtank?"_

"Actually, I have three that will change your mind."

"Eh?" I glanced to the side, boggling in confusion at the sight of Nami, Zoro _and_ Vivi all standing in my room, with Soundbite snickering in Zoro's palm…

 _Puru puru puru puru!_

And _ringing_.

"Call for you," Zoro deadpanned.

My stare held for a moment longer, and then I shot Merry a flat glare. "You got lucky, brat."

Her _oh so mature_ response was to stick her tongue out with a cocky "Bleeeeeeh".

I snorted and let her go, before rummaging around for some clean… er, for some clothes that didn't smell _too_ bad. "Pick it up, would ya?" I requested.

Vivi rolled her eyes with a weary sigh. "Ever the height of decorum, Cross."

"Piss off, it's not like there's video." Once Soundbite's expression morphed from cockiness to that of whoever'd called, however, I took on a cocky grin of my own. "Hello, you've reached Marine Base G-5's cafeteria; our specialty today is poultry carved in the likenesses of the Straw Hat Pirates. Would you like to purchase Going Merry's head or Roronoa Zoro's?"

The named laughed and flashed me the finger respectively.

"… _I am… conflicted,"_ Tashigi deadpanned.

" _Save your morbid fantasies for later, Pisces,"_ Hina said, her voice as hard as steel. " _Members of the New World Masons, Divine and Damned alike…"_ The Marine's expression darkened noticeably. And it was pretty dark beforehand. " _We have a situation."_

My whole room tensed up instantly, and I hastily slipped on the closest clothes I could grab before planting my ass in my chair, everyone else settling in on the floor or against the wall.

"How bad?" I asked.

" _Bad enough that everyone save Aquarius is present, and the only reason we're not waiting for her any longer is that we can't_ afford _to,"_ she answered. " _I trust you've all been informed of the destruction of Picowana Island?"_

I waited out the sounds of affirmation from everyone before speaking up myself. "Merry told us, yeah. Uninhabited island in the East Blue that got shredded down to the bedrock… and that I know nothing about." I grimaced in dread. "It's happened again, hasn't it?"

Hina nodded, her eyes closing in memory. " _We've confirmed eight islands over the past month, with the five most recent destroyed within the past_ week," she said. " _Tikoshi Island, the Isle of Peridox, the Bullion Atoll, Etonori Island, and Rendion Island. All levelled completely and utterly."_

I could feel my teeth grinding at the revelation, but before I could say anything, I noticed our navigator had suddenly turned an ashen gray _._ "Nami? What's wrong?" I asked. "You know those islands or something?"

Nami nodded jerkily, slowly turning her horrified gaze towards us. "Etonori… and Rendion," she breathed. "Th-Those islands… they… they were _inhabited."_

We all stiffened at the news, the implication as obvious as a sledgehammer to the face.

Barto in particular hissed in a breath. " _Capricorn, don't tell me—!"_

Hina's eyes squeezed even tighter together, her jaw visibly clenching. "… _no survivors. I personally combed every square inch of both the islands and any wreckage left, but…"_ She shook her head. " _We were lucky to even find remains that were_ intact, _when we found them at all_. _I… seriously doubt we missed anything alive in that carnage."_

A grave silence hung over us all as we digested that information.

"… _Damn…"_ Lola swallowed heavily. " _That… t-that's just…"_

" _Inexcusable!"_ T-Bone barked, his fists audibly slamming on a surface. " _Such a senseless,_ grievous _waste of life… and there are no clues to who or what is committing these atrocities!?"_

Hina shook her—and by extension, Soundbite's—head. " _Unfortunately, no. There are no traces, no identifying signs, nothing to tie the attacks to anyone. Yet the attacks have two consistencies that show that they are a pattern rather than a simple calamity. The first is the exceptionally thorough destruction."_ There was a pause, and her jaw clenched even tighter.

" _And the second is an exception in the devastation_. _On Etonori and Rendion, every trace of civilization was wiped away,_ except _for the docks and the nearby warehouses._ Those _were left intact."_

" _And unless I miss my guess…"_ Foxy spoke up, an uncharacteristically grim glower on his face. " _Those warehouses were_ empty, _weren't they?"_

While Soundbite nodded, Merry tilted her head in confusion. "Er… empty docks?" she asked. "What's so important about that?"

" _Because under normal circumstances, that shouldn't be the case,"_ Dorry rumbled. " _Any town with any sort of ongoing trade should have_ something _in the warehouses, or_ something _sitting on the docks ready to be moved there."_

" _But for the warehouses to be completely empty and the docks untouched, even after such devastation…"_ Broggy trailed off, letting everyone come to the obvious conclusion.

"Pirates…" Vivi said, her hands clenched into trembling fists. "The warehouses were spared during the carnage and then looted _after_ the fact."

" _Same tactics my crew used back in the old days,"_ Foxy confirmed. " _Less destruction and more looting, obviously, but still the same basic premise."_

" _In summary,"_ Jonathan said. " _We have a group of pirates—a word I only use because it means seafaring criminal,"_ he hastily added when every one of us buccaneers present scowled at the implication. " _Who are scouring islands down to the bedrock, and who have recently escalated to attacking civilians and stealing everything of worth in the process, with no evidence of the attacks stopping any time soon. Worse, it appears that they're only_ beginning." Jonathan let out a weary sigh and shook his head. " _I think it goes without saying that this is a threat we need to take very seriously."_

For a long moment, the only sound was the creaking of the Sunny around us.

Finally, Vivi groaned and began to massage the bridge of her nose. "Anubis and Osiris below, I thought I'd left this kind of madness behind in Baroque Works…"

"Hell of a lot of trouble for a smash and grab, though, isn't it?" Zoro muttered to himself.

" _Unfortunately, Capricorn must agree with Sidewinder,"_ Hina stated. " _But_ only _on the first half of his statement. It_ was _a lot of trouble… but Capricorn does_ not _think the looting was the goal."_

The mood darkened significantly as the statement sunk in.

"… _what are you saying, Capricorn?"_ Tashigi breathed weakly.

" _I think you know exactly what I mean. All of you,"_ Hina explained, Soundbite's teeth grinding furiously on a cigarette he didn't have. " _I will add that the ships in those ports escaped complete destruction by virtue of being underwater when the destruction began."_

Silence, for all of a second, and then, there was thunder.

"They were aiming for the _civilians,"_ Nami growled, a dark malevolence in her eye, voice, and the pitch-black, streaked-with-lightning Eisen Cloud filling the room with the stench of ozone. "Their goal was to _destroy the islands,_ and the looting was just a _bonus."_

" _Like a few other islands I'm sure all of us could name,"_ Smoker rumbled murderously.

As impossible as it seemed, the mood darkened even further at the reminder. " _Bastards,"_ Tashigi spat, her eyes gleaming venomously.

" _Damn…"_ Apoo shook his head in disbelief. " _I've clashed with some psychopaths before, but whoever's doing_ this _has to be some seriously special brand of twisted."_

 _SLAM!_ "ENOUGH!"

We—that is, we Straw Hats—all jumped at the impact that suddenly shook the room, and our attention was dragged over to Merry, her clenched fist planted against the wall and indignant rage wracking her small frame.

"Enough," she repeated, flames flickering in her eyes. Literally. "Enough talking about what these bastards _did,_ enough speculating about what they're _going_ to do. It's too late to save the dead, and the future doesn't matter because we are going to _stop_ these bastards before they strike again. What matters here is the _present:_ what's being _done_ right now?"

Hina's response was to huff and glance aside. " _At the moment, Capricorn and her men are analyzing the affected islands to see if we can turn up any more clues to a trail or culprits. Headquarters, meanwhile, has acknowledged the gravity of the threat, and made it the Navy's top priority; any available battleships on this side of the Red Line are making all speed for the East Blue as we speak. But…"_ The energy seemed to drain Hina, and her gaze became downcast. " _Even with all these resources… Capricorn… Capricorn has her doubts."_

Another bout of uncomfortable silence fell over the room, but this one was swiftly filled by a harsh clap, and going by the fangs Soundbite was sporting, it looked like it was Bartolomeo who'd delivered it.

" _Well, at least we ain't going into this shitshow alone, right?"_ he proudly declared. " _All for one, one for all!"_

" _Huh?"_ T-Bone blinked in surprise. " _Rooster, what are you—?"_

" _It's obvious, ain't it?"_ Barto snorted. " _C'mon, I might be a bloodthirsty, booze-swilling, ship-bumping pirate, but the East Blue's still my turf too, ya know! I've still got the rest of my boys there, family! I'm not just gonna leave 'em out 'ta dry! I'll call 'em, get them to put their ears to the ground. Anybody doesn't feel like sharing with you white hats, they'll share with us!"_

" _Same here!"_ Foxy nodded in agreement. " _I've got feelers all up and down Paradise, I'll reach out and see if they can turn anything up!"_

" _And we'll shake some trees too!"_ Dorry chimed. " _Not only is Water 7 a major trade hub even with the blockade up, but we've had giants streaming in to join the crew! Something like this isn't easy to set up, so if there've been any rumblings over the past few years, we'll find out!"_

" _No matter what might come, we won't back down until the job is done and it's done right!"_ Broggy concurred, a loud thump indicating he'd pounded his chest. " _That's the Giant Warrior way!"_

" _You… you all…"_ Tashigi breathed, moisture building in her eyes.

" _What, you're surprised? Didn't expect this of us? APAPAPA!"_ Apoo cackled. " _Of course you didn't! And why's that? Because we're_ pirates! _We don't play by the rules, so you never know what we'll do! Apapapa!"_

While there was a general rumble of agreement and support, I was less focused on what was being said and more on my crewmates. Or rather, on my crewmates' faces. Merry, Nami, Zoro… they all looked somewhat mollified by the support everyone else was giving, but even I could see the tension hidden below the surface. The _worry._

And seeing that… I knew there was only one thing I could do.

"Chin up, Marine," I said with the utmost seriousness. "We've got a job to do."

Everyone turned to me in surprise. "I actually meant to talk to you about cutting down on the taunting," Merry breathed, a tinge of awe coloring her voice. "And you're doing it already."

" _Did someone replace Ophiuchus's brain when we weren't looking?"_ Smoker said without a hint of jest.

"Oh, come on!" I snapped. "I will admit, shamelessly, that I love messing with people as much as Soundbite does—"

" _ **You wi~sh,"**_ Soundbite sang tauntingly.

"—but you all know that I'm completely capable of turning serious if the situation demands it." I shook my head. "And believe me, the less often that happens, the better. You wouldn't—" I cut myself off, but then grimaced and turned to glare at my slyly grinning snail; there really wasn't a better way to phrase it. "Alright, fine. Say it."

" _You wouldn't like me when I'm angry,"_ Soundbite intoned.

"Yeah, that," I nodded at him before adopting a vicious grin. "And whoever's pulling this shit? They'll like us all even less when Sunny comes _roaring_ over the horizon."

If my words hadn't before, _that_ sentence locked everyone's attention on me.

"Cross, what—!?" Vivi started to splutter.

Started, because my raised hand shut her up. "Look," I said placatingly. "I know I'm not the captain, I know I technically can't make that call, but the East Blue is the home of a quarter of our crew, it's our _alma mater,_ and _damn it all,_ this is the exact kind of shit the Straw Hat Pirates _do not let fly!"_ I punctuated my statement by slamming my fist on my desk… an action I sorely regretted, considering I hadn't put my gauntlets on. Still, even as I resisted the urge to curl up in a ball in favor of cradling my hand, I continued on. "I bet anything that if we bring this up to Luffy, he'll be all for it. From there… it's just a matter of sailing north, hopping the Calm Belt, and raising ten different kinds of hell until we're finished."

My crewmates exchanged looks of uncertainty, thought, and most of all, _hope._

Still…

"But… what about our journey, Cross?" Nami asked hesitantly. "You really think we can just… _start over?"_

…oh, like _hell_ I was letting that pass by me.

"Hmm…" I made a show of humming to myself, clasping my hands and tapping my index fingers against my chin in thought. "Yessss, I suppose that _would_ be an issue, wouldn't it? Now if only, if _only_ we were _veterans_ of Paradise, experienced enough in these waters that we could travel these seas in basically no time at all, with _no_ trouble whatsoever! And what a _boon_ it would be if we _just so happened_ to know some people whose ships can _magically_ cross the Calm Belt at their leisure, without so much as a spot of trouble!" I stuck my grinning face in Soundbite's, raising my hand in a conspiratorial manner. " _Hint-hint!"_ I stage-whispered.

" _Cross is back~!"_ the whole of the Zodiac of the Damned sang-laughed.

"Asshole," Nami sighed, shaking her head.

"Should have seen that coming," Vivi snickered in response, which got our navigator shooting a half-hearted half-glare at both her and our guffawing helmsgirl.

" _Mrrrgh… well, at least I'm not_ entirely _on the receiving end for once…"_ Tashigi grinned, though one corner of her mouth was periodically twitching.

" _Cross,"_ Jonathan sternly interjected. " _I hope you have an idea for how to get there other than using the Marines' sea prism stone hulls. Every ship in Paradise is under tight watch and it would be a nightmare explaining a missing one, at least until_ after _this crisis is resolved. I'm not saying you can't rely on us, we won't hesitate if it's the only option. But if you do, it's going to be a lot of potential trouble; in the worst case, one of us may even have to go public with our rebellion."_

"I have a couple of alternatives lined up, don't worry," I assured everyone. "Rooster, fill… Cobra or Anaconda in on the situation, whoever's available. We may need their help."

" _Oh, no need for that."_

The sudden shift in Bartolomeo's tone made everyone else wince in anticipation.

" _Gimme a second,"_ a gruff voice suddenly grunted.

 _SLAM-SLAM-SLAM-_ SLAM! " _GAH!"_

Followed shortly by the sound of Bartolomeo getting a four-man round of 'concussive maintenance' performed on him.

"I DIDN'T EVEN GET STARTED YET, PISSWHISKEY!" Barto roared at his first mate.

" _I've got a lot of bars I like back there, asshole, you're not starting_ ever _until this is over and done with!"_ Gin growled right back.

"… _Fine,"_ Barto snorted. " _Asshole. Anyway, Cross, our crew got friendly with the Calm Belt's Sea Kings during the sack of Enies—long story, don't ask, still hammering out details on the whole thing—and I'm sure we could get you through the Calm Belt and back. Where do we meet up?"_

"Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves," I said. "We need to tell the rest of the crew first."

"And figure out where the hell we are, too," Nami interjected.

I winced. "And… that, yeah."

" _Fair 'nuff. We'll wait for your call. So unless anyone else's got something to say…?"_ Barto glanced left and right.

" _Just this,"_ Smoker said, glaring at everyone on the call. " _Everybody watch their backs. Something tells me that we're venturing into something this world has never seen before._ "

There was a general rumble of agreement as everyone checked out to attend to their assigned tasks.

" _See you on the flipside, Straw Hats,"_ Barto saluted before he too departed, leaving us alone.

My confidants and I exchanged looks before letting out a myriad of sighs and groans and slumps to the nearest hard surface.

"So, we're facing an ocean-threatening disaster by genocidal pirates, completely and utterly outside of Cross's foresight," Merry summarized. "On a scale of Whiskey Peak to Enies Lobby, how much of a problem does that make this?"

"My guess?" I said around my molars gnawing on my cheek. "Thriller 2, Rotting Boogaloo."

Vivi and Nami both groaned in concert. "Freaking. _Perfect,"_ they sighed in synch, hands clutching their scars.

"Let's just get this over with. At least there'll be a decent fight out of it," Zoro said as he climbed out, my other adjutants on his trail.

Before following him, I made a stop by my desk. "All hands on deck, emergency meeting," I said into my pipes. I was about to head out for real when a thought occurred to me and I moved back to the comms. "And when I say emergency, I mean _worldwide_ emergency, not _we're-out-of-prime-cuts_ emergency, _so move your asses!_ " _Then_ I headed out, the sound of doors opening echoing below the ladder I used to descend. Not ten seconds after I touched the deck, everyone was out with all eyes on me.

"Bad news from the rest of the world, Captain, and with your permission, we'd like to get the entire crew working on it," I said.

"Uh… how bad exactly?" Luffy queried.

"Bad," was all Zoro said.

That drew a surprised look from our captain, before he slapped on his dead-serious face and nodded at me.

Permission granted, I clapped my hands to get everyone's attention. "Alright, everyone, _listen up!_ As of today, we've learned that the East Blue is officially in crisis mode. As we speak, islands are being _levelled_ one by one _._ " As I spoke, I began pacing back and forth. "Close to a _dozen_ islands annihilated over the last month, all in the East Blue, and recently the islands have begun having people on them. Whoever's doing this—and I am _confident_ that they are a who—they're only getting started."

The rest of the crew stared at me in horror.

"East Blue…" Usopp wheezed. "H-Have they hit—?"

"None of ours," Merry quickly assured him.

"Not _yet,"_ Nami pointed out.

Apparently, that did _little_ to reassure our sniper. "Kaya…"

Sanji, meanwhile, glanced aside, no doubt thinking of his family at the Baratie. And going by the way Luffy tilted his hat down to shadow the newly born scowl on his face, he had some names in mind, too.

I gave everyone a moment to stew on that, and then raised a placating hand. "The Navy is looking into matters as we speak, giving the matter their full attention," I explained, before slowly looking at Luffy. "But the fact is, I seriously doubt anyone is satisfied with just that. Captain, I _have_ a way of getting us through the Calm Belt and back, and as far as I'm aware we won't be missing anything truly critical if we were to take a detour. But… this is still a decision you, as the captain, need to make."

In an instant, the crew snapped into serious mode. All attention turned to our captain, and everybody waited in patient silence as he mulled matters over. Luffy didn't even need a minute before he looked straight up at us.

"Nami," he ordered firmly, steel glinting in his eyes. "Set a course. We're going back, to the East Blue!"

The mood shifted into bloodthirsty, edge-of-the-blade anticipation; I would have grinned if the cause was less grim, but at the moment all I could manage was to grit my teeth in determination. "Alright, first things first: Let's find out just where the… hell… we oh what the _fuuuuuck_ …"

Why did I trail off like that? Well, the absolutely _ludicrous_ sight above me that had everyone staring in wide-eyed confusion probably had something to do with it.

Somewhere in the back of my stunned mind, I reached a simple conclusion.

Apparently, Paradise had absolutely _no_ intention of letting the New World top its madness without one _hell_ of a fight.

 **-ONE WEEK LATER-**

For all its insanity, the Grand Line was still a vast ocean; some areas made the worst parts of the Blues look tranquil, while others would have been right at home in said Blues, and could be even considered normal. One such island, Barcanallia Island, was equal parts forest and town, unremarkable in all aspects, with a simple economy based on the crops and game the inhabitants could bring in.

Islands such as this were truly ideal locations, whether to kick up your feet and relax in peace, or to get some time away from the prying eyes of either the public or one's superiors.

"Hmmmph…"

Case in point.

"How vexing…" exhaled the frowning frame of Captain T-Bone over the sound of a whetstone grinding the edge of his blade.

Seagirl Recruit Yoko winced, both in response to her superior's exhalation, and in response to the trio of ridiculously overpowered ex-assassins kicking her mega-sized insectoid best friend into the ground.

And all without using their Zoan forms, at that!

"Sorry, Captain, Boss still isn't used to fighting anyone close to his level, let alone three at once," Yoko apologized, glancing back at him from the fight that was going on and then blinking. "Oh, sorry, did you mean your sword?"

"No, neither the blade nor the brawl is what is troubling me, Yoko," the Captain sighed, continuing to grind at the whetstone. "What troubles me is the exact same issue that has been troubling you for the past week."

Yoko's mood visibly dropped at the reminder. "The Straw Hats."

"Indeed," T-Bone nodded solemnly. "Any period of silence from Jeremiah Cross is worrying in and of itself, but given the circumstances of the silence this time around…"

"I-I'm sure they're alright!" the young girl hastily stated, though her expression made it clear that she was as much trying to raise her own spirits as his. "I-I mean, I know that last SBS _sounded_ pretty bad and… and sure, they got their asses kicked pretty hard, but—!…but… ah…" Yoko slowly lowered her head, a miserable grimace on her face. "I'll stop talking now, sir."

T-Bone sighed and shook his head, his focus back on his attempt to distract himself. The Straw Hats would bounce back… surely they would.

Yoko, for her part, returned her attention to Boss, which did a lot more to distract her than T-Bone's whetstone did him. She had learned of CP9's existence from Cross, but the full story of what was now Jormungandr only became known to her when she witnessed the most terrifying man she'd ever seen bring a report to T-Bone regarding CP4. Said man was among the three Zoans sparring with her close friend, whose scarred carapace was growing even more scarred from the barrages, his horns, feelers, and fire struggling to keep up with the limber assassins.

Yoko winced as a blade of wind put a particularly large dent into her friend's side. His next molting was going to be something to witness.

And once again, this was without using their Devil Fruit powers. She thanked her lucky stars three times a day that they were on her side… or at least that Lucci considered the hell T-Bone would give him more trouble than knocking her block off would be worth.

Yoko shivered and chased _that_ particularly dismal thought away, and instead cast a despairing glance skyward. "To think, I'm actually starting to _miss_ that damn suicidal idiot lightening the mood with his insanity," she groaned. Then she gained a thoughtful expression. "Damn it, Cross, where the _hell_ are you?"

T-Bone let out another sigh before sheathing his newly sharpened sword and rising to his feet. "While I share your concerns, Seagirl, our duties yet remain. For the moment, we must concentrate on the task at hand. That being said, where is… ah, there's Knalf."

The Warrant Officer jogged up to his commanding officer and hastily skidded to a halt before giving him a salute and breathless report. "Captain T-Bone! Situation in the town square! You're going to want to see this immediately, sir!"

The two Marines exchanged a concerned look, and then Yoko blew out a sharp whistle. Immediately, the brawl ceased, Boss splitting off from his opponents to fly over to her… while his erstwhile opponents vanished into the shadows.

Yoko shuddered at the sight. "Said it before, saying it again: _so creepy."_

"You could learn to do it as well, you know," T-Bone remarked, a slight smirk tugging at his mouth.

The 180 was immediate. "Then in that case, so cool!" Yoko cheered. "But for now!" The girl clambered up onto Boss Kabuto's back and slapped at his shell. "I'll settle for the express! Let's go-go-go!"

The colossal beetle immediately zoomed off, leaving T-Bone to shake his head in amusement before jogging after them.

The source of Knalf's urgency was obvious once they reached the town's square. The locals had all congregated around a pair of rather unexpected sights in their town. The first was mundane enough: a large projection screen that had most definitely _not_ been present a few minutes prior. The second, however, was far more unusual: a large, _person-_ sized crate made of metal just randomly sitting in the town's square.

"Ooookay…" Yoko said as she walked around the crate, one hand scratching under her cap. "Thiiis isn't something you see every day…"

"Where did these items come from, Officer?" Captain T-Bone queried.

"Uh… I actually think they've been here for awhile now, sir. See this?" The Warrant Officer indicated several pieces of splintered, shattered wood scattered around the screen and crate. "If I remember right, there were some wooden crates here when we docked yesterday. We've asked around, and apparently they were first seen here all of three days ago. However, nobody can seem to recall who _left_ them there, just that they were left lying around, and then they suddenly burst open a few minutes ago! That screen unfolded, and the other crate… well, exposed the _other_ crate. The metal one, I mean."

"Hrm…" T-Bone scratched his chin, looking the box over. "And I take it you haven't had any luck opening it?"

"Can't even _move_ it!" Knalf huffed in exasperation. "The damn thing's been bolted to the ground!"

"Oh, but we _can_ look into it! There's an opening here, see?" Yoko piped up, pointing out the small opening, on the side facing the screen. Her report made, the girl stood on her tiptoes to try and peer into the slot. "Now, let's see just what's going on in this— _GAH!"_ The second she got a look inside, Yoko jerked back and fell on her ass in shock.

"Seagirl Yoko! Are you alright?" one of the nearby soldiers asked, helping the shell-shocked girl sit up straight.

"Uh… kinda-sorta?" she said, fumbling to re-straighten her cap. "I, uh… you know that saying, about looking into the abyss and all that?"

"Yes…?" T-Bone tentatively said.

Yoko looked up at him, eyes wild. "Well, I don't know if it's the abyss in there, but _something_ sure looked back at me!"

"You mean there's someone in there!?"

"Er, no, I don't think so!" Yoko clarified. "Like I said, some- _thing._ I'm pretty certain it wasn't human. Ah, hey, you!" She pointed at the soldier holding her up. "Help me up, would you? I need another look."

The Marine hastily complied, giving Yoko a literal hand up so that she could peer into the crate again.

"Yup, definitely something! A _familiar_ something!" Yoko reported. "There's a Transponder Snail in here!"

"…you're serious," T-Bone deadpanned.

"I do my best to act professional _and_ I've been staring at snails for a week, I'm both serious and certain!" was the answer, accompanied by an imperious sniff. That lasted all of two seconds before Yoko glanced away with a sheepish expression. "Thooough I'll admit, I had no idea they could _get_ this big!"

T-Bone narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "Wait, big—? Are you saying that it fills the entire crate?"

"Um…" Yoko looked back into the crate and nodded in confirmation. "Yup! He is a _big_ sucker! And…" She took a tentative whiff of the air and promptly reeled back. "Whoo, he certainly _smells_ like he's been in here for awhile! But _why—?"_

 **FLASH!**

" _GAH!"_ Yoko howled as she fell back again, clawing at her eyes. "AGAIN? SERIOUSLY!?"

"Compose yourself, Seagirl!"

"Grgh, s-sorry sir," Yoko grumbled, blinking her eyes in an effort to rid herself of the spots plaguing her vision. "Just got surprised, is all. What hit me?"

" _That_ is a question we'd all like an answer to."

In lieu of questioning her superior, Yoko followed his gaze once her vision cleared up. The light was still coming from the box, and she turned around to find that the container—or rather the Transponder Snail within—was projecting an image onto the projector screen that had accompanied it.

The image displayed on the screen was unlike anything that most of those watching had ever seen or experienced. Visual Snails were rarely used to begin with, but for those that did use them, there was a certain expectation: if the snail sending the transmission wasn't stationary, then its movements were no faster than expected from an average human. And, of course, that meant that one could expect to see no significant and abrupt change in elevation.

This broadcast blew all of those expectations out of the water; the projector screen was showing a bird's eye view of a lush jungle, bobbing and weaving of the viewpoint enough to threaten the watchers with dizziness or loss of lunch. Then the view began closing in on the jungle, the point of view coming to rest in a branch of one of the treetops, before surveying the surrounding area.

Then, as the view peered down into a small pond beneath the tree, the audience received the answer to the first question on their minds. The reflection in the water showed a dark-colored bird of prey with what looked like a mane of gold around its neck—a golden eagle, as muttered by a local birdwatcher ("I keep telling you, it's 'Ornithologist'!" "Shut it, Jerry!") in the audience. The eagle wore a peculiar harness around its torso, which kept a Transponder Snail in a glass case attached to its chest.

While that answered one question, several still remained, but no more answers seemed to be forthcoming; from what the audience could see, it seemed to just be giving a good perspective on nature. The lush trees, the serene pool, the blossoming plants, the sounds of wildlife… though said sounds made it seem like there were rather ferocious animals out there. And they were growing louder, with crashing sounds coming across the connection.

Then, all at once, the foliage began shaking, which intensified for a few moments before it split apart, and out ran—

" _RUUUUN!"_

"LUFFY!" Yoko cried, jerking forward.

And indeed, it was the captain of the Straw Hat Pirates in all his glory. His tarnished, bedraggled and mud-caked glory, mind you. Sure, his outfit was a bit different than most knew, having swapped out his red vest for a blue one and donned an aviator's cap beneath his eponymous hat, but it was _definitely_ him.

And yet, also, unlike his usual cheerful self, Luffy was wearing a somewhat panicked look as he shot out from the underbrush and ran across the clearing as though hell were on his ass.

" _They're right behind us!"_ the world-famous pirate shouted over his shoulder.

Seconds later, he received a response in the form of a blur shooting out of the section of jungle he'd emerged from—

 _SLAM!_ " _GAH!"_

And slamming into a nearby tree, where the blur coalesced into a physical and… rather _irritable_ form. " _Yeah, like I hadn't noticed!"_

[Boss D!] Boss Kabuto warbled in shock.

They were two-for-two on Straw Hat sightings, as the impromptu projectile indeed turned out to be the captain of the Straw Hat's Dugong-composed guard. The amphibious Boss had also undergone a fashion makeover, with a leather, fang-embossed fedora ("It's called an aussie—!" "No one wants to hear it, ya damn hat-lover!" "That's 'millinophile' to you!" "I SAID CRAM IT!") on his skull in place of his usual bandanna, which he'd tied around his neck to act as a camo neckerchief. He'd also put on a leathery vest and equipped a pair of crocodile-scaled leather bracers.

" _Argh, damn bastards hit like Sea Kings!"_ Boss Dugong growled, shoving himself out of the tree trunk he'd been slammed into and rubbing his skullplate irritably.

" _And they've got the attitude to match!"_

" **THEY'RE NOT LETTING UP!"**

"Cross," T-Bone said with narrowed eyes, not particularly surprised at the third and final person that charged into the clearing and skidded to a halt; animals speaking was a tell-tale sign that the Voices of Anarchy weren't far away.

The third and apparently final member of the group was particularly disheveled, his eyes frantic and his head on a swivel. He'd tied his hoodie around his waist, turned his cap around so that it was facing backwards, and had donned a black tank top that featured the outline of a black horse rearing up in front of a pair of golden scales that had the words 'BLACK' and 'FAMINE' placed in its left and right dishes, respectively.

"Eesh, they look like they've gone through hell…" Yoko winced sympathetically.

"But the question is, just where the hell _is_ that hell?!" another soldier wondered.

In addition to his harried look, Cross already had his cannon-dog armed and at the ready, and the second he slid into the clearing he fired off round after round into the jungle he'd come out of. " _Cani-Cannon, cannon, cannon,_ BLAST!" Cross capped off his barrage of explosive ordinance with a pillar of superheated air that set a whole swathe of vegetation ablaze.

However, even with the wave of destruction he'd just caused, Cross's panic didn't abate an iota. Instead, it just seemed to mount further as he stumbled back from the scorching jungle. " _Son of a_ bitch _, they just keep coming!"_

" _THEN WE GOTTA KEEP RUNNING!"_ Luffy shouted over his shoulder, waving his arm for his crew to follow and jogging in place with obvious impatience.

" _YEAH, THAT'S GONNA BE HARD, REAL HARD!_ _ **WE'RE coming up on**_ THE EDGE AGAIN!" Soundbite announced through a terrified grimace.

" _Son of a bitch,_ again!?" Boss growled, dragging his flippers down his face. " _At least tell me there's somewhere to land this time, I'm still feeling the burn from the last near miss!"_

Yoko exchanged confused looks with T-Bone and mouthed the word 'land?', to which the Captain could only respond with a confused shake of his head.

Meanwhile, Soundbite glanced side to side frantically before nodding in confirmation. " _We're good!"_

" _Then let's go!"_ Boss shouted out, charging after Luffy.

" _After you, Captain!"_ Cross shouted, following after his crewmates as well.

Luffy, at this point, was already deep in the surrounding underbrush. " _COME ON!"_ he roared

All of a sudden, the viewpoint lurched as the video-snail's mount took off from its perch and soared after the Straw Hats. The shift in perspective allowed the viewers to watch the Straw Hats charge straight towards a shockingly sudden cutoff in the landscape that lead clean into the void.

"Are they _seriously_ going to jump off a cliff!?" one of the island's civilians demanded.

"This would not be anywhere even _close_ to the craziest thing the Straw Hats have ever done," Yoko deadpanned in response.

" _HERE WE GO!"_ Luffy roared as he jumped over the edge.

Boss punched the air as he jumped after his captain. " _LET'S DO THIS!"_

" _THIS IS GONNA SUCK SO HARD!"_ Cross wailed from the rear.

Once the pirates leapt, the snail soared over the edge after them, and everyone watching was struck dumb.

"…I stand corrected _,"_ Yoko breathed, her eyes glued to the screen. "This? _This_ takes the cake."

"No kidding… Freaking hell, no one told me that Devil Fruits were such great tools for real estate," another Marine muttered. T-Bone made a mental note to pursue that line of thought later.

But for now, he was a little too awestruck by the fact that the Straw Hats were jumping off of not only a cliff, but an _island_ , and that they were falling towards neither the ocean, nor the clouds… but instead yet _another_ island that they could see was floating in the heavens. One island amongst many, even! And it wasn't a group of sky islands composed of island-clouds, oh no; it was all dirt and stone and lots of lush jungle, simply levitating in the air.

And that was all that the watchers needed to see to understand exactly what was going on, and what had happened with the Straw Hats over the last week.

"They're… trapped in the sky…" a Marine breathed in disbelief.

"It's like there's a whole other world, just… _floating_ up there!" a civilian concurred.

Captain T-Bone frowned in thought, orders to his men on his lips, when he stiffened in realization and hastily grabbed the hilt of his sword. "Sorry about this," he hissed apologetically before whipping his blade out—

 _CRACK! "Gwowowooooh…"_

—and downing Boss Kabuto with a single smooth swing that struck the back of all the titan-beetle's legs at once.

"BOSS!" Yoko cried in panic, hastily running up to her friend and clutching his horn comfortingly. "Oh my—Captain, why on earth would you _do_ that!?"

"For his own good, Seagirl," T-Bone sighed regretfully. "Look at your friend. What do you see?"

"I-I—! He's…" Yoko looked into her large friend's eyes, and audibly swallowed at the haunted look in them. "He… was about to _bolt,_ wasn't he?"

"And most likely leave a trail of destruction in his wake, yes," T-Bone nodded. "I'm sorry, Seagirl, but I did what I had to do, for his sake as much as ours."

"Oh, no… I remember this…" Yoko breathed in terror. "Boss… h-he was like this back when I first met him, afraid, panicking… b-but why—?! Damn it, could this get any worse!?"

"Oh, _holy shit!"_

Yoko jumped at the sudden cry, and looked around. Most of the rest of the audience was doing the same, and soon zeroed in on the man scanning the sky with binoculars.

"What is _wrong_ with you, Jerry? This isn't the time for—"

"Transponder Snails have a _limited range,_ idiot! Adult-Audios might be able to go worldwide, but Visuals can only go so far! That means that that floating archipelago _and_ the Straw Hats are somewhere close by!"

"No, it doesn't… there's another option."

A soft yet scared voice redirected everyone's attention once more.

"Yoko?" T-Bone asked his young subordinate, concern written on his features.

The young Marine tugged nervously at her collar at all the attention. "There's one way a Transponder Snail can hit way above its own weight class, remember?"

T-Bone's already gaunt expression paled as he put the remaining pieces together.

"And we _know_ who has it," Yoko continued dully. "And he wouldn't use it to just broadcast this to _one_ island. Unless I'm way off the mark…" The girl trailed off in favor of watching the the Straw Hats plummet towards the impossible canopy floating below them.

"That _bastard_ is putting this show on for the _world,"_ T-Bone finished with a disgusted glower, turning on his heel and marching off. "Knalf, Yoko, gather the troops and return to the ship. Headquarters will be calling with our marching orders any second, and I have news to share with them…" He shot a grim look at his insectoid subordinate, who was still shuddering and warbling in terror.

"News with disturbing implications."

 **-o-**

"Geez, this is nuts! Easily the craziest shit Luffy's ever gotten involved in, no question."

"What about the time him and the other two monsters fell down that rabbit hole and swore they found a land of fairy tales and wonder?"

"First, we _proved_ they just got high off the shroom-spores they kicked up when they fell. And second—!"

 _WHAM!_

"GAH!"

"SECOND, YOU BASTARDS HAD BETTER GET BACK TO WORK BEFORE I POUND YOUR SKULLS INTO YOUR CHESTS!"

"YES, DADAN!"

Dadan snorted furiously as two of her mooks _employees_ canned the chattering and got back to serving the sudden rush of customers her newborn bar was experiencing.

"They _are_ right, you know."

The bandit queen sighed and slapped a hand to her face. "Et tu, Makino?"

The kindly barkeeper gave her new friend a smile, though that didn't slow the stream of refreshments. "Well, in all fairness, this _is_ pretty high on the scale of madness that Luffy has been involved in, no?"

"Mmph… yeah, that's for damn sure," Dadan grunted in acknowledgement. Her eyes drifted up to the impromptu screen she'd set up in her bar, Luffy and friends still freefalling. "Still, that's no excuse for those morons to squander good business!"

"Speaking of which…" Mayor Woop Slap turned in his chair to eye the metal crate from which the show was projecting. "Where _did_ you get that Visual Snail, anyway? Odd enough that one showed up in our village, but I don't see how _you_ could have gotten one!"

"Oh, it's not ours!" Dogra piped up while he swung by the bar to pick up another tray of drinks. "We, uh, _found it_ in the main plaza of Goa Kingdom. It wasn't doing them any good, sooo—!"

"Say no more!" Woop Slap yelped almost desperately.

And luckily for him, Jeremiah Cross chose that moment to say something, effectively aborting any more incriminating comments.

" _SOUNDBITE!"_ Cross shouted, so as to be heard over the wind rushing around him. " _HOW'S IT LOOKING DOWN THERE?!"_

" _Uhhh…"_ The snail crossed its eyes as it stared down—up?— at the ground. " **Good news, it sounds pretty calm, SO MAYBE WE CAN CATCH OUR—!"**

" _BWOOOOH! BWOOOOH!"_

The bar-goers jumped in shock when… _some_ kind of horn-like sound bellowed out.

"What on earth—?!" Makino wondered.

"NOT A-FREAKING-GAIN!" Soundbite wailed mournfully. " _THEY JUST_ _**raised the alarm, WE'RE FALLING INTO A MEATGRINDER!"**_

" _Tcheh! Well, at least things won't be_ boring!" Boss growled. One flipper slammed into the other, and he flipped into an upright position. " _Alright, Cross, I'll help slow you down and—!"_

 _FWOOM!_

"—GAHAHAHAHAAAaaaaa!"

Abruptly and without any apparent catalyst, the Dugong was blasted away from his crewmates by a fat load of nothing. The watchers blinked dumbly, including the ones on the screen. Cross snapped out of it first.

" _OH, YOU HAVE_ GOT _TO BE KIDDING ME!"_ Cross screamed, flailing his arms in terror at the fast-approaching foliage. " _LUUUUFFYYYYY!"_

" _HANG ON!"_ The Rubber-Man angled himself so that he was positioned below the anarchist. " _ALRIGHT, GUM-GUM!"_

"They're going to crash!" Woop Slap exclaimed.

"We're talking about Luffy here, old man. You know, the _rubber man?"_ Magra drawled.

"And the human being who _isn't_ rubber?!"

Magra cocked an eyebrow at the mayor. "Aren't you the one always harping on about how the Straw Hats should just hurry up and bite the big one?!"

"…fair point. LET HIM SPLAT, LUFFY!"

"Mayor!" Makino exclaimed, scandalized. Thankfully, Luffy chose that moment to do what he did best and directly counteract the wishes of those who wished him and his ill.

" _BALLOON!"_

Mere meters from the unforgiving ground, Luffy's body distended to a massive size. When Cross slammed into him, rather than ending up flatter than a pancake, he simply sank into Luffy's inflated flesh.

…and then he _kept_ sinking, deeper and deeper.

"Uh… didn't something like this happen with Ace?" Mogra questioned nervously.

Dadan's only response was to slap a hand to her face.

Apparently Cross had caught on by as well, as his flailing only intensified within the folds of his captain's body. " _EXH'LE! EXH'LE! L'FFY, YU HAF TO—!"_

 _BOING!_

"— _EAAAAARGH!"_

"…That almost looks like fun," someone muttered.

The view followed Cross as he flew into the air. The onlookers watched as he flailed a hand in his belt, which once he managed to do so shot out a grappling hook that lodged in a nearby branch, and altered Cross's flightpath.

"…Where does he get those wonderful toys?"

"Prolly the long-nose sniper guy and the cyborg, remember?"

"Oh, right."

The new flight path took Cross up through the foliage, and when he hit the peak of his arc, he grabbed onto a nearby vine, detached his grapple and swung even further. Two more vines later, he finally let go and landed on a particularly thick tree branch.

Well… 'landed' was a bit of a misnomer. He still had a notable amount of velocity left over from his flight, and so when he touched down he was forced to keep running in an effort to bleed out his momentum, lest he wipe out entirely.

It was through no small feat of balance and quick reflexes that Cross managed to stay upright through his little run, jumping over several gaps between the branches. Eventually, however, Cross's luck ran out: the trail of branches suddenly broke off into a sharp drop, and Cross still had momentum to burn.

The world-infamous pirate tried his best to brake himself, and he _almost_ managed it, too, arms cartwheeling as he desperately tried to balance at the edge of the precipice. However, it was not enough: the panic in Cross's eyes was obvious as he lost his balance, started to pitch forward—

 _CHOMP!_ "GRK!"

And suddenly, that fate ceased to be as Cross's cannon leapt off his back, assumed his hybrid-form, and sank his teeth into the seat of Cross's pants, holding his master _just_ shy of the drop.

Soundbite—who'd been shivering in terror on his partner's shoulder— allowed himself to relax, his eyestalks drooping in relief. " _Hooooly_ SHIT **that was cl** — _MRPH!?"_

" _Shhhh!"_ Cross hushed furiously, one finger pressed to his lips while his other hand clamped Soundbite's mouth shut. In response to his snail's confused look, Cross _slowly_ used his free finger to point downwards.

The snail looked in the direction his friend indicated and stiffened in terror.

The bar collectively blinked in surprise, minds a-whirl trying to figure out what could cause such a reaction.

"Well, looks like _something's_ got Cross spooked," Magra stage-whispered.

"Yeah, but what?" Dogra replied.

As if on cue, the Visual Snail's view panned down to the jungle floor, revealing that the object of the pirates' terror was—!

Dadan blinked in disbelief. "That kid gives the Marines a verbal black eye every week with a grin…" she said slowly. "And yet he's absolutely _terrified_ of a _bunny rabbit?"_

"In all fairness, it's, uh… a very _big_ bunny?" Makino tried.

And indeed, it _was_ quite the large rabbit, at least as large as a human being, but size aside the critter appeared to be your average, everyday rabbit, with its white fur flecked with brown spots that rippled as it hopped about the jungle floor.

"Hey, c'mon, rabbits are tough little things!" one of their Gray Terminal customers shouted. "Seriously, Dadan, you really don't remember that cat that got gutted by one a few years back?"

Dadan was about to respond, but before she could, the sound of trees cracking and the earth shattering belted out across the connection.

In short order, the wall of foliage suddenly split apart and disgorged _something_ that looked like the unholy union of a bull elephant and a wild boar. The beast was moving at full speed, squealing in fury, trees flying with every swing of its tusks.

And yet, Cross was looking at it with an expression of _horror_ , not _terror_. It was a subtle difference, but it _was_ a difference. " _That_ stupid _hunk of pork,_ " he miserably whimpered.

For one more blissful second, the bar was completely confused about Cross's anxiety.

And then the rabbit's head snapped up and all hell broke loose. It was as if they'd blinked, and then the rabbit's foot was carrying the boar down to the ground, head-first. The resulting impact made everyone wince, and the rabbit followed that up by repeatedly hopping up and down on the boar's head with great speed and force, which only made things worse.

While it was doing that, some poor soul with a somewhat weaker stomach glanced away, and instead saw a massive pawprint smashed into the bark of a nearby tree, and it all came together.

"He… He must have jumped and pushed off the tree!" the bandit gurgled. "And then…"

With a final crunch, the boar's head lost all cohesion and was reduced to the consistency of a thick gravy, oozing out from under the rabbit's hind paws and giving the brown spots on its coat a _whole_ new level of uncomfortable context. Only then did the rabbit stop hopping, though it did throw in one last kick to the boar's unmoving carcass.

"Yeah, that."

In the wake of the boar's untimely and gruesome demise, the jungle was silent… up until a twig suddenly snapped and both the killer rabbit and Visual Snail whipped their heads up to stare at Cross, who'd frozen mid-retreat, one eye twitching furiously.

" _Oh, come on…"_ Cross whispered in disbelief. " _You_ cannot _think I'm a better meal than pork purée down there!"_

Apparently the rabbit disagreed, and quite strenuously, given how the monster-rodent's jaw suddenly unhinged to unveil a set of teeth worthy of a bear trap, accompanied by an air-shaking roar.

Soundbite's eyestalks hung mournfully. " _ **Here we go again…"**_

" _Less talking, more BOOK IT!"_ Lassoo howled in terror, leaping onto his partner-in-chief's back as Cross turned and did just that, just _barely_ de-assing before the rabbit's feet utterly pulped the wood.

" _I AM REALLY GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF GETTING ATTACKED BY KILLER RODENTS!"_ Cross wailed. Splinters flew around him, the rabbit hot on his heels and plowing through everything in its path.

" _ **Technically speaking, IT'S ONLY EVER BEEN**_ **the one, hasn't it?"**

" _Four times by the otter,"_ Cross snarled, throwing up four fingers, followed by his thumb two seconds later. " _Once by the pigeon—which is essentially a rat with wings, so I'm counting it—"_

 **-o-**

Elsewhere in the Grand Line, Hattori was struck with a sudden urge to murder someone.

 **-o-**

"— _and now a rabbit!"_ The pirate jabbed a final finger skyward. " _That's six! That means I can count it on two hands! It's too much, I tell you, too much!"_

Makino could _feel_ the sweatdrop hanging on the side of her head. "That boy has the most horrible luck with small animals, doesn't he?"

"Betcha he earned every one of those confrontations!" Mayor Woop Slap sniffed proudly.

"Now, Mayor—!"

" _Achoo!"_ Cross sneezed mid-leap, precariously landing on the next branch in the canopy he'd been aiming for. " _Guh, of all the times for someone to talk about me—WORGH!"_ The scream was accompanied by a hasty duck under the rabbit's teeth, which instead clamped onto the nearest trunk and tore out a chunk you could've carved a chair out of.

Woop Slap shot Makino a triumphant grin, to which the bartendress could only respond with a sigh and weary roll of her eyes.

" _UWAAAAAH!"_

At that familiar cry, any further argument was dropped in favor of going back to the screen. "Luffy!"

Cross snapped his gaze downward, past the rest of the canopy's branches to the jungle floor below. " _Captain!"_

To the onlookers' shock, Luffy ran up beneath the Voices of Anarchy, pursued by a crocodilian… entity. The massive reptile was particularly squat, looking as though it had been squashed flat, but it was still large enough to casually bite off the Lord of the Coast's head.

For the moment, however, the beast appeared to be content with nomming Luffy's head instead.

" _CRAP-CRAP-CRAP-CRA—! Oh, hey, you guys are still alive!"_ Luffy's… swearing, for lack of a better word, cut off mid-word and he shot a careless smile up at his friends as he zipped past. " _That's nice! How's it going, Cross?"_

"That idiot…" Dadan groaned, the base of her palm grinding into her forehead.

Apparently Cross was of the same opinion. " _You_ dumb _son of a—GRK!"_ Cross only narrowly threw himself forward and out of reach of his pursuer's snapping jaws. " _Getting chased by a killer rabbit! You!?"_

" _Giant crocodile!"_ Luffy jerked his thumb over his shoulder, chuckling. " _It looks really weird, too!"_

" _ **That's because**_ _aside from being flat,_ **THAT THING'S A CAIMAN!"** Soundbite blandly informed him.

" _Huh, really?"_ Luffy sent a curious look over his shoulder before scratching his head with an apologetic chuckle. " _Shishishi! Whoops, my bad!"_

" _Don't you morons think you're kind of missing the point here?!"_ Cross snapped.

"Hmph… Well, this is nostalgic, isn't it?" Dadan said calmly.

"Indeed. Brings me back to the days when those brats challenged all the beasts around here, and then almost losing their heads for it," Dogra responded with equal calmness.

"Mmm… But…" Makino chimed in, but unable to hide a clear tone of unnerve in her voice. "This seems… worse than Mt. Corvo, doesn't it? I mean…"

"You're right," Dadan grunted in agreement, swirling her bottle. "There's something wrong with that place. Something… _off._ "

" _GRAORGH!"_

The caiman flung its head back and bellowed, stomping forward through the underbrush. It was joined by a loud skittering sound, a centipede the size of the Lord of the Coast and colored a lurid red bursting out of the trees in an attempt to shove aside the massive caiman still in pursuit.

'Attempt' being the key word.

Even as several bandits fainted, traumatic memories of _normal-sized_ centipedes leaping to their minds, the pursuing caiman twisted its head and slammed its jaws down on the centipede's carapace, shattering the insect's shell in a single decisive blow. Then, without breaking its stride, the gator swung its head to the side in an almost dismissive manner, casting aside the broken insect.

At the sight of that, Dadan growled slammed her bottle on the bar. "And _that's_ what's wrong. The rabbit didn't try and eat the boar, and the gator didn't try to eat the bug. These… These things, these _monsters…_ they're not fighting to eat, like normal animals."

"They're fighting simply to _fight,_ is what you're getting at," Mayor Woop Slap snarled, his knuckles white and trembling around the head of his cane.

With that lovely revelation, a grim silence fell over the bar as they watched the chase rage on.

 **-o-**

"How much deep-fried alligator meat could that beast give us? Owner Zeff, you think we could mail order that stuff if there's anything left of it when the Straw Hats are done and Sanji fillets it?" Carne asked.

"It _would_ be a waste of good ingredients if we didn't try, though chances are that Straw Hat'll just eat it all like usual," Zeff replied, frowning. "Maybe I'll write up a request and hand it off to the News Coo when it shows up. **But meanwhile—"**

"Back to work, got it!" the chef yelped, busying himself with the meal tickets.

Meanwhile, on the screen, the Straw Hats were making no progress away from their pursuers. Considering that fact, the question on the minds of the patrons and chefs was why the strongest rookie pirate of their generation, the man who had smashed Don Krieg's armor like glass, wasn't fighting the beast at all.

Case in point, one steak-eating patron, who said, "The meat-loving monkey should be smashing that thing into the ground and eating its corpse." To emphasize the point, he drove his knife into his steak.

"Yeah, you're right," another nearby customer agreed. "So what's stopping him?"

With the foliage suddenly bursting open, the question was shelved, and everyone watched a familiar dugong to drop onto a branch above Cross.

" _ALRIGHT!"_ the amphibian bellowed, pounding his 'knuckles' " _Sorry for the delay, but I'm here now! Let's kick some tail and get moving!"_

" _Boss! Are we glad to see—!"_

 _FWOOM!_

The watchers' eyes twitched as Boss suddenly flew away again.

"… _OK, that's just not fair,"_ Lassoo huffed.

" _Sonnuva—ah,_ damn it!" Cross cursed, both on account of his backup being blasted _and_ the fact that there was an upcoming turn in the foliage. " _Luffy, I'm heading right!"_

" _Eh? Ah, man, and I've gotta go left! Ah, well!"_ The captain laughed as he sped up to keep ahead of his reptilian pursuer. " _I'll try and lose this guy! Good luck, Cross!"_

" _Same to you, Captain!"_

And with that the pirates split apart, with the Visual Snail's mount choosing once more to follow Cross through the canopy.

For a long minute, the chase remained as tense as ever, with Cross running and leaping from branch to branch, and the killer rabbit pulping a path through said branches.

Then, inevitably, Cross missed a step, his boot hitting a patch of moss instead of bark. He sprawled forward, luckily landing on a particularly overgrown branch but _unluckily_ in an undignified heap.

Or would have, if he hadn't turned his landing into a roll, from which he popped into a kneeling position and took aim at the mega-lagomorph, prompting it to freeze up barely a meter away.

The air was _electric,_ the entire restaurant holding its breath in anticipation for whatever was to come. Breathing slowed, sweat rolled…

And then a twig softly snapped in the distance and the combatants _moved._

The rabbit leapt forwards, Cross fired—

" _Kero."_ _THWAP!_

And then _something_ blurry shot out of the air, slamming into the rabbit and knocking it out of the screen, before retracting both itself _and_ the rabbit up at the same blur-inducing speed.

As one, Baratie blinked in befuddlement.

Cross was right there with them, blinking in confusion as Lassoo's round exploded in the distance. Soundbite, however, did not join him. He was staring upward, and shaking in terror under his shell.

" _ **Croooooss…"**_ he whispered miserably.

The terrified tone shook Cross out of his confusion, and scrunched his eyes shut as he slowly craned his head back. " _This is gonna suck, this is gonna suck, this is gonna—Guh…"_ One could almost _see_ Cross's stomach dropping out from him when he cracked his eyes open and actually go a look at the enemy. "… _damn it."_

The view slowly followed Cross' gaze, revealing that perched high above them was a frog. It was green with a black discoloration on its back, titanic in size, and menacing in appearance. Kicking rabbit legs hung outside of its lips, demonstrating quite clearly that Cross had only a few seconds before he had his place on the food chain reevaluated.

"Hey, Patty, whaddaya think you'd make of that one?" one of the cooks called out.

"Legs are obvious, check for eggs! Now hurry up and get over here! Table six's order is up!" the larger chef ordered.

Meanwhile, the time Cross had before his evolutionary re-evaluation shortened considerably as the frog gave the rabbit a final munch. It then swallowed the rabbit whole, its gaze staying on Cross as its chest distended with a sonorous " _kero"._

Cross's eye twitched furiously. " _Ah,_ shi—!"

 _THWACK!_

"— _GAH!"_ the pirate grunted in exertion as he only just managed to leap away from the blur of a tongue that smashed into where he'd been moments before.

Unlike before, however, Cross's immediate response was to heft Lassoo and aim it at the frog. " _I don't normally go for frog legs, but just this once! CANI-CANNON!"_

 _B-B-BLAM!_

The gun spat out a trio of cannonballs at the titan-amphibian, and they _would_ have neatly roasted the beast.

" _Orekekek."_

If only they didn't suddenly detonate well away from the target.

Even worse, this was not the result of the frog's own actions. Instead, the restaurant was treated to the revelation that the dark discoloration on the amphibian's back… _wasn't_ a discoloration after all.

As their customers recoiled in no small amount of terror and horror, one of the Baratie's chefs shot a questioning look at their comrades. "Hey, Carne, how do you think you'd—?"

"HIT IT WITH A STICK!" the shorter chef cried out from beneath the pot he was cowering under.

Cross was right there with him, gurgling in horror at the clicking, chitin-covered entity that was resting on the frog's back, claws snapping and tail waving. " _I thought that it was supposed to be in the scorpion's nature to_ kill _the frog!"_

" **Nature over nurture…** _or would it be THE OTHER WAY_ **AROUND?"** Soundbite wondered, right before his pupils suddenly dilated. "EITHER WAY, _**AM-SCRAY!"**_

"IGHT-RAY!" Cross belted out, spinning on his heel and dashing away before the frog's tongue could snap him up.

The frog responded with a ruthless, bone-rattling " _KERO!"_ , leaping up to grasp another branch and lashing its tongue out in pursuit.

What followed was essentially a remix on Cross's prior escape. Granted, due to its mass, the frog wasn't quite as fast or maneuverable as the rabbit had been, but its lightning-fast tongue more than made up for it. And while it served for a perfectly stationary target in between its tree-to-tree leaps, the scorpion it was illogically symbiotic with acted as the perfect shield by blocking any retaliation Cross attempted.

"Is this what the Straw Hats have been up to for the last week?" one of the patrons incredulously demanded. "How the heck are they still going strong in this mess?"

"Well, Luffy and the Dugong are monsters, obviously," Zeff blandly informed the customer as he set his dish down. "Also, your soup's ready."

"Ah, thank you!" The patron picked up his spoon before pausing as a thought hit him. "But, uh… that explains those two, but isn't Cross, well, normal?"

Zeff graced his patron with a flat look. "Sir, I can serve you your soup or I can serve you the knowledge of the universe. Which would you prefer?"

"Uhh…"

"Translation, he doesn't have a clue either!" Patty helpfully provided as he passed by.

"Listen, you—!"

" _GAAAAAAAH!"_

"Oh, come on, again!?" Zeff snapped his head around to stare at the screen, where Luffy had popped up running from the same direction that Cross was. And behind him was a literal fish out of water. Or, well, octopus. Giant octopus. That had somehow adapted to land. And was clearly only having so much trouble pasting Luffy with its flying tentacles because he was made of rubber.

" _GO FALL OFF THE EDGE, LAND SQUID!"_

" _ **TAKOYAKI,**_ _NOT CALAMARI,_ **MORON!"**

" _WHA—?! Oh, hey, Cross, what's chasing you?"_ Luffy asked pleasantly.

" _Giant frog and scorpion,"_ Cross casually answered, punctuating the point with another scorpion-blocked blast. " _I see you're having much better luck with edible species. Try not to lose that one to something, would you? I'm in the mood for seafood once we get a reprieve!"_

" _You got it!"_ Luffy shouted back, literally twisted his head around to keep talking as the two crewmates passed one another. " _I'll try and handle it real quick and find you again!"_

" _Same to you!"_ Cross waved back, before hastily snapping his arm down before the Frog could manage to snap him up. He then glanced upward. " _And Boss should be swinging by to be blasted away again in three, two—!"_

SMASH! " _RAAAAGH!"_

Cross snapped his head around and blinked in surprise at the distant sound of impotent fury and trees being bowled over. " _Oooor not. Huh, looks like he's decided to be proactive."_

" **Yeah, how's that.** _ **AND MEANWHILE,**_ _YOU SHOULD_ _ **decide to**_ _**duck!"**_

" _Wha—_ GAH!" The pirate hastily fell into a baseball slide under a low-hanging branch before pushing himself to his feet. He then almost took a tumble when instead of coming out on more branches, he instead stumbled onto an almost floor-like crossroads of several dozen vines.

Cross blinked at the turn of events, then barked out a relieved laugh and ran out to the center of the makeshift clearing. Turning around, he shot the frog-scorpion combo a taunting smirk. " _Come and get me, rubber-belly!"_

The frog narrowed its eyes and skidded to a halt, before glancing over its shoulder at its passenger. " _Keroro."_

" _Orekek,"_ the scorpion clicked in response. The arachnid crawled down off the frog's back, its eight dexterous limbs affording it a much better hold on the vines than its counterpart. That alone throttled Cross's bravado quite effectively, but his growing anger transformed into incredulity when the frog then proceeded to bop down onto the scorpion's back, croaking without a care in the world.

" _But… that's not_ fair," Cross whined plaintively.

From the screeching chitter and roaring croak the pair let out before charging at him, they officially _could not_ give a damn.

We need not repeat the stream of expletives that Cross belted out during his hasty retreat. What does bear saying, however, is that Cross ran across the 'clearing' of vines in an attempt to escape the scorpion, which kept up a swift barrage of tail-strikes and claw-snaps to in an effort to catch up the pirate.

"And I thought that Cross was just being melodramatic after that surfing fiasco, but no. Sanity is truly dead," Patty said, shaking his head wearily but still working at his station.

"It was dead before even I was born, Patty," Zeff scoffed, his eyes trained on the cook's hands with a satisfied look. "This may be on the stranger side, but it's still no big deal for the Grand Line. The only question is if the Straw Hats are crazy enough to make it through it, and that's something they've answered many times over."

"Case in point," deadpanned several chefs as Cross, cornered against a tree with tongue, tail, and claws poised to strike him, drew his elephant-sword and let loose a flurry of stabs at the beasts, fast enough for the sword to blur.

The beasts flinched at the attack, and then blinked in confusion as absolutely _nothing_ happened to them.

The scorpion's demeanor shifted in _just_ the right manner to suggest a sadistic grin in Cross' direction, and it was to everyone's surprise when Cross returned the expression with just as much bloody glee.

For its own part, the frog lacked its partner's enthusiasm and was glancing around in clear hesitation. Then its eyes shot wide in terror, prompting it to slap its webbed feet on the scorpion's shell. " _Kero!_ Keroro!"

The scorpion ignored its partner in favor of crawling closer to Cross, chittering furiously all the while. " _Orekekeke—!"_

 _Crrr…_

" _Ore?"_ The scorpion paused in confusion at the sudden creaking sound. It glanced to and fro, try to locate the source. It found it. And then it turned back to Cross and locked up in terror at the pirate's widening grin, and how he had his sword positioned blade-first over a single, innocent, perfectly innocuous vine.

Somehow, the scorpion's pitch-black chitin _paled_ , while the frog slapped a foot to its face with a piteous " _Kero…"_

Cross, naturally, showed _no_ care for the frog's plight, and simply drove his sword through the vine.

 _CRA-CRASH!_

This caused the vines under the creatures to give way, sending the symbiotic pair tumbling out of the canopy and down to the jungle floor with a crashing thump.

Cross laughed in relief at the sound, and he even leaned over the edge of the branch he was on to flash the pair a… _specific_ gesture. " _Two heads might be better than one, but it takes four to reign supreme, you pests!"_

" _COMING FROM HIM,_ **that's saying something!"**

Thankfully for the loudmouths, the pair appeared to be far more concerned with arguing with one another than exacting their vengeance on the pirate, croaking and chittering and motioning furiously at one another.

"Waiter!" one of the Baratie's customers called out in a cultured voice. "I have a quandary!"

"Well, it didn't come from our kitchen! We run a clean ship here!"

Zeff affixed his underlings with a flat look before picking up one of the customer's cleared dishes. "Let me get that for you, sir." He then proceeded to fling the plate towards the kitchen.

 _THUNK! "OW!"_

"Clean the stupid off it, halfwit!" Zeff roared before returning his attention to the customer. "You were saying?"

"Yes, well," the customer adjusted his coat primly. "Those two overgrown specimens of fauna are clearly communicating with one another, yes?"

"Obviously."

"And so too is the most infamous snail the world has ever known present with them, indeed?"

"Of course."

"Well then, my question is obvious!" The patron gestured inquisitively at the screen. "Wherefore can we not comprehend what these creatures are saying to one another?!"

Zeff opened his mouth to respond… and then slowly closed as he realized there was only one accurate response.

"That," he stated tersely. "Is a _very_ good question."

 **-o-**

"I remain conflicted about the process of rendering a sword sentient with a Devil Fruit… but I will not deny that I now want to duel against Cross and his elephant," Koshiro mused.

"But it wouldn't be much of a duel 'cause Cross isn't much of a swordsman, right, Master?" one of the old swordmaster's students asked curiously. "I mean, that's why Master Zoro is always training with Leo!"

"You say training, I say he's beating him up…" another student muttered under his breath.

"It is not simply a matter of being a superior swordsman. Any world class swordsman has a close bond with his blade… or hers," he added, glancing in the direction of his daughter's gravestone. "But outright autonomy coupled with so close a bond, let alone carrying the extra strength of an elephant behind a common saber, as well as the unorthodox actions of Jeremiah Cross himself…"

He trailed off, trusting that the visual would emphasize his point. Said visual being the symbiotic creatures continuing to snap and spit at one another, before finally relenting to glare viciously up at Cross, who was suddenly far less confident than he'd been a moment earlier.

The frog hopped on the scorpion's back, the scorpion started to skitter its way up the tree's trunk—

" _SCREE!"_

 _CRUNCH!_

" _OREK!"/"KERO!"_

—And _then,_ a mega-sized stag beetle _slammed_ its mass into the pair and crushed them into the tree, entirely ignoring the way the duo struggled and flailed in the larger pest's grip.

Cross stared down at the ongoing skirmish with no small amount of wariness before casting a doubtful look at Soundbite. " _This is not going to end well for us, isn't it?"_

" _ **Signs point to—!"**_

" _SCREE!"_ The titan-stag interrupted the snail with another ear-grating screech, following which it drew back from the symbiotic pair, _just_ enough so that it could swiftly, disproportionately and utterly _crush_ the two between its equally titanic mandibles. It was only a single strike, but from the spray of bloody foam that jetted from the pair and how they twitched in the larger insect's grip, that one strike was sufficient.

The stag then swung its head to the side, throwing away its insensate prey. That done, beetle cast a hateful glare up at Cross, its vicious intentions clear. The insect tested its legs on the bark of the tree, but the wood cracked and gave way under the insect's mass, so the thing drew back and started chewing at the tree's trunk with its mandibles.

"… **yeah, that,"** the snail finished lamely.

" _It's just one thing after another…"_ Cross miserably moaned, dragging a hand down his face.

As if on cue, a revving noise roared out from the mega-stag, and its mandibles started to tear into the tree's trunk, wood-chips and sawdust flying everywhere.

" _THAT WAS AN ADMISSION OF FACT, NOT A TAUNT AT MURPHY!"_ Cross roared skyward, accompanying the statement with a _very_ violently shaken fist.

" _ **YEAH WELL,**_ _**po-tay-to—!"**_

" _GWOOOAAAARGH!"_

 _SLAM!_

Out of the blue, an equally massive kabuto beetle rammed into the stag beetle from the side, nearly bowling the former over and very effectively diverting its attention from Cross. The stag staggered slightly, got its legs under it, and shot a murderous glare on the other insect. Roar was answered with roar, and the two beetles went after each other hammer and tongs.

"… _GIANT INSECT INTERRUPT."_ The snail cocked its eyestalks at the duelling beetles that were circling below them. " **And for the record, I'm getting ticked off** _at getting interrupted by the world."_

" _Better you than me,"_ Cross scoffed, rolling his eyes. " _And on that note!"_

Cross leapt off his branch, sliding down the trunk before leaping off onto one of the beetle's back, vaulting off, and then booking it for dear life on the ground. The video feed turned away from him briefly to show that the two beetles were still busy locking their horns together, despite the brief interruption.

With that established eagle took off and followed after Cross, who soon came into view slumped over slightly with his hands on his knees, panting.

" _That… was so unpleasant… on a whole new level…"_ he bit out before glancing at his partner. " _Soundbite, timer?"_

" _ **18, 19, 20… huh. I think we'll actually reach half a minute this time… 27, 28, 29, 30, 31—AAAND**_ _bogey at 9 o'clock."_

" _Your fault!"_ Cross snarled, swinging up Funkfreed at the foliage Soundbite had indicated, obviously prepared to stab on a moment's notice.

"Alright, guys! Betting time!" one of Koshiro's disciples piped up eagerly. "Ten for two on a bird, twenty for five on reptiles! Mammals are all busts, I repeat, mammals are—!"

 _THWACK!_ "YEOW!"

"No betting near my daughter, please," Koshiro warned his student, shinai tapping his palm.

"Yes, master…"

"Hey, look, here it comes!"

And indeed, come something did.

Admittedly, compared to the earlier monstrosities that had plagued Cross, a man-sized and relatively normal-looking raccoon wasn't exactly the most imposing of creatures. But considering how the thing was, to reiterate, big enough to bite a person's head off and snarling viciously at Cross, it still managed a palpable aura of menace.

Cross's lips parted into a furious scowl. " _Alright, you scummy little fleabag, I have had a_ hell _of a week and I am getting sick and tired of getting chased by monsters I can't kill, so for the sake of my sanity and pride alike, do me a favor and just_ DIE!"

Cross lunged forward and stabbed with his sword, prompting the elephant-blade to shoot forward. To no one's surprise, most likely not even Cross's, the raccoon deftly slid aside and avoided the attack completely.

What _was_ to everyone's surprise, however, was the fact that the instant the overgrown vermin moved, the screens suddenly went pitch black. The connection was _not_ severed, to be sure, as the snails were all projecting noise. After all…

" _GAGH!"_

How else would the world have heard Cross getting slashed and the indignant roar of pain he let out in response?

Koshiro adjusted his glasses in shock. "What on earth—?"

 _"Sonnuva-—"_ Cross's voice bit out painfully. " _My eyes! Damn it, what just happened!?"_

" **No clue!"** Soundbite snapped. " _ **The damn thing just moved AND THEN—!**_ _Its… FUR… FLASHED…_ UH-OH."

" _Wha—_ seriously!?" Cross spat. " _How does a raccoon get the ability to cause seizures!?"_

 _"When a stripe-rat_ _ **AND A STROBE LIGHT LOVE EACH OTHER**_ VERY MUCH! _NOW RUN FOR IT!"_

The sound of someone running, followed by something much heavier, sounded out, heading away from the snail. The screen itself remained frustratingly blank for a full minute.

"…Well, the upgrade didn't last long," one of the students muttered.

"Well, it could have been worse," Koshiro mused, a worried frown marring his features. "If the snail had actually managed to keep its eyes open, people could have actually gotten seizures."

Fortunately, as the sounds began to grow louder again, the vision began to return. This time, it was a bit blurrier and tunneled; probably the snail narrowing its eyes to avoid the raccoon's flashing fur. But it was clear enough to see the raccoon behind a veil of green a distance away pursuing Cross. The eagle took flight in search of another view where it would be less vulnerable to the raccoon, and as a result, got a good look at a sudden change in the scenery.

Specifically, the screen displayed a ragged and very large patch of brown and gray wasteland ahead in Cross and his pursuer's path, sticking out like the scar it was among the green of the jungle. Burned and scorched grass dotted the ground, trees of varying states of burned stuck out at odd angles, and ash covering everything. Cross broke through the treeline and ran across the ashes, a scowl visible on his features.

" _More fire-spitters. Perfect. I thought we managed to ditch them three islands back!"_

" _WELL THEY'RE NOT NEARBY,_ **AT LEAST!** _ **KEEP GOING, maybe flash-mob**_ _will have to slow down!"_

" _He's not the only one,"_ Cross spat as he charged forward. " _I've been training to take hits and give hits, but freaking_ parkour _is not in my repertoire!"_ Cross's expression then became slightly contemplative, and he took a shell out of his pocket and spoke into it. " _Note to self, start learning parkour."_

" **LEARN FAST!** _ **UPCOMING LOG!"**_

Cross reacted fast to the news, leaping up onto the oncoming arboreal obstacle. He then took a nasty dive when his boot slipped on the ash on said log.

Thankfully, Cross turned that tumble into another roll, his hound-cannon ready on his shoulder, although some distraction came from the presence of another living thing there.

"…that place is _weird,"_ one of the students flatly stated.

And indeed, the man-sized, slimy-skinned lizard grinding a stick into a bundle of them and blinking at Cross in bemused surprise was a perfect example of the island's weirdness.

Before the two could react to one another, the raccoon—which was no longer moving fast enough for its fur to be an issue—leapt onto the log with a nigh-rabid snarl. In response, the lizard redoubled its stick-grinding with an almost panicked fervor.

Cross's response, meanwhile, was far more… 'appropriate', for lack of a better word. "CANI-BLAST!"

Lassoo fired a pillar of superheated air, the blast traveling notably faster than Funkfreed had. The raccoon was unable to dodge; it had enough time for a panicked look before the blast struck, reducing it to a charred husk. Still twitching, but not long for the world of the living. The only question was whether it would die from its new injuries or be burned alive by the embers that were steadily building into a greater fire.

The answer, as it turned out, was to be impaled on an elephant's bladed trunk and flung back a few meters.

Cross nodded firmly before turning back to the lizard, clear anticipation of a fight written on his face. Instead, he blinked in confusion, because the lizard's attention was _not_ on him. Instead, the reptile was staring at the raccoon's charred and still-warm corpse. It was kind of disturbing really, how the thing was staring. Something that was like hunger but wasn't… _obsession_ dancing in its eyes.

The confusion was cleared up when Soundbite—pale and shivering in terror—swallowed heavily and spoke up. " **Croooooss, remember how I said** _ **the flamers weren't NEARBY**_ _EARLIER?"_ Message delivered, the snail ducked back into his shell. "ADDENDUM."

"…Oh, no, it's a _salamander,"_ said another of the students, wincing in anticipation.

Cross's face twisted up, initially into a scowl, but it then into a grimace. " _Don't. You. Fucking—!"_

To nobody's surprise, the Voice of Anarchy fell on deaf ears. The salamander just smiled malevolently and pounced for the smoldering raccoon.

Suddenly, the eagle carrying the visual snail swooped up and away and out of the sight of the salamander. Still, the sudden _FWOOSH_ of something igniting was a bit of a giveaway.

The viewpoint briefly soared through an un-scorched section of the jungle, followed by the sound of crashing and searing, and seconds later a familiar form sprinted out of the underbrush.

" _ **I! HATE! THESE! ISLANDS!"**_ Cross and Soundbite bellowed together, closely pursued by the salamander, who'd _somehow_ surrounded its body with what appeared to be a secondary phantom composed wholly of flames that was easily _five times_ its actual size.

"…So, master? Do we have to aspire to be swordsmen that could face that sort of stuff if we're going to train here?"

Koshiro could only groan and slap his hand to his forehead. "This. This is why I don't like you children listening to the more rambunctious broadcasts."

"But we're not listening, we're watching!"

Koshiro groaned further.

 **-o-**

"Commander Jonathan, unless I'm mistaken, you seem to be enjoying Cross's torment despite this meaning that our best allies are indisposed and out of the picture."

"Hardly indisposed, Henrick," Jonathan hummed, playfully flipping a black pawn between his fingers. "The Straw Hats may be scattered amidst the outskirts of their enemy's base, but they're still there. And I believe the Straw Hats have demonstrated more than once that challenging them on _your_ turf and terms… is a very poor idea."

The Vice Admiral's smirk widened. "Though I will gladly admit that given what happened when _we_ learned that the hard way, seeing them run around like this is more than a little cathartic."

The Ensign took a moment to turn that over in his head. And then he smirked. "Permission to requisition popcorn from the kitchen?" he asked with a perfectly straight face.

"Ensign, I _order you_ to bring up the whole car with all the fixings," Drake said, a massive smile on his face.

Henrick didn't need any more prompting, exiting the room as fast as his legs could carry him. Jonathan, meanwhile, turned his attention back to the flaming lizard pursuing Cross, his mind running through the options he had at his disposal.

Cross's gauntlets were powerful weapons, but they only worked in close combat, and that was hardly practical against an opponent covered in fire. Soundbite's abilities should work, theoretically, but since he hadn't already employed them, odds were that the creatures were either unaffected by the weaker attacks, the stronger attacks had too low of a payoff for the energy they consumed, or some combination thereof. Lassoo's ammunition focused on fire, combustion, flammables, and a smokescreen, meaning that the dog could at best inconvenience the salamander and more likely simply make the problem worse.

That left Funkfreed; a near-sonic elephant should do wonders in terms of shortening the salamander's lifespan, though the incendiary second skin and the ongoing pursuit made targeting the creature understandably difficult. But perhaps that Pachy-Riot he'd used could—?

" _HEY BACKUP LONG NOSE, YOU WANNA_ **help out by giving this** _**schmuck a good spritzing**_ **OR WHAT!? I THINK HE COULD USE A DRINK!"** Soundbite demanded in a biting tone.

" _Yeah, well, so could I!"_ Funkfreed shot back in a somewhat raspy voice. " _We've been out here for a week straight, and it's been three days since the last non-swamp body of water! I'm parched!"_

" _And seeing as the only water I have on me is my drinking water and it needs to last until we find_ another _body of clean water, that's not happening!"_ Cross huffed.

Jonathan frowned, slotting that last bit of information into an increasingly distressing picture. Obviously, they were getting more than enough food, even if it was bush meat. But going that long with minimal water while constantly expending energy? And for that matter, going that long without rest? Something was missing…

On-screen, Cross had made it to another clearing, this one particularly massive, at which point he abruptly stopped running. The viewpoint swung around to show the source of his hesitation, a monstrous bear with black and white fur and a gargantuan, absolutely _irate_ praying mantis brawling in the center. The bird flew back, showing that even the salamander had paused at the sight of this clash.

" _Another brawl between Alphas,"_ Lassoo snorted.

" _Of all the times!"_ Cross groaned. The salamander regaining enough wits to roar at him was just salt in the wound.

" _HALF-SHELL STYLE!"_

"Not what I meant by something missing, but not unwelcome," Jonathan muttered.

At Boss's roar, the mega-salamander stopped and looked around in confusion, freezing up when a large shadow fell over it. Slowly, it inclined its gaze upward.

" _BELUGA!"_ the dugong bellowed—

 _WHAM!_

And smashed the incendiary amphibian flat with the large, scale-armored creature he'd brought with him.

" _PILEDRIVER!"_ Boss finished, landing with his arms raised in victory. " _And THAT is how a_ MAN _does it!"_

" _GO, BOSS, GO!"_ Soundbite, Lassoo, and Funkfreed cheered.

Cross was a lot more restrained with his thanks, being bent over sucking wind, but he still had enough energy to shoot his crewmate a grateful thumbs-up. " _Thanks for the save, Boss… huh."_ The tactician examined the twitching scaled behemoth. " _Is that thing what kept blowing you away? What is that, a… pangolin or something?"_

Boss snorted and gave the scaled body another smack. " _Hole in one. Stupid thing was using its tail like a pair of bellows and blasting me with air bullets. Annoying as heck, but I got it in the end."_

"What kind of warped circumstances would lead a pangolin to develop that kind of ability?" Drake asked, only for his expression to fall flat. "Right, the kind where the Straw Hat are involved. My bad."

" _Well, at least, that's most of us back together…"_ Cross nodded in weary gratefulness. " _Now we just need to find Luffy, who is…?"_ He sent an inquisitive glance Soundbite's way.

The snail's response was to adopt a flat expression and jerk his eyes over Cross's shoulder.

" _Hey, guys!"_

And there was Luffy, sitting next to the carcass of the octopus that had been chasing him, smiling and waving without a care in the world. Boss and Cross could only stare, blinking.

"… _well, that's convenient,"_ Boss muttered before raising his voice. " _Hey, Luffy! You alright?"_

" _Shishishi, yeah, I'm fine!"_ Luffy chuckled, sliding off of the corpse and walking up to them. " _And look, I didn't lose the octopus either, so we can eat once I deal with these guys!"_ The rubber-man then tilted his head inquisitively. " _What about you guys? You holding up?"_

" _GROOOAAAR!"_

Luffy's smile slammed into a scowl as the large panda-esque creature finished off the mantis with an earth-shaking suplex, and loosed a bone-rattling howl towards the pirates. " _Actually, give me a second, I need to deal with this guy really fast."_

Boss grinned and slammed his flipper into his palm. " _Right there with you, Captain!"_

" _You two… go ahead…"_ Cross waved them off, still trying to get his breath back. " _I'm just… gonna stay here… start cutting up the octopus… have a heart attack… or ten…"_

" _Right! Come on, Boss!"_ Luffy roared, shooting off with the dugong hot on his tail.

" _Go get him, captain!"_ Cross yelled after his captain, raising a shaky thumbs-up… and then his eyes rolled up in his head and he collapsed to the ground with a pitiful moan.

"One of the highest bounties in history, everyone," remarked Cormac, shaking his head. "Honestly, for all his impossible knowledge, he's not a fighter like Boss and the Monster Trio. I still don't get why the Government isn't sending someone who can just stomp them all flat, at least to take Cross's head."

"Because they can't."

Drake and Cormac snapped their heads to their superior, who was leaning back in his chair with a frown.

"Baroque Works. Navarone. Enies Lobby. Thriller Bark," Jonathan listed, punctuating each name with a spin of the white king he was holding. "The Straw Hat Pirates have challenged armies of hundreds, even thousands, with mere dozens on their side. Sometimes not even that. And consistently, they've walked away victorious with nothing but a few new scars at worst. Including myself, they've personally crossed paths with three Vice Admirals and survived, including the legendary Garp. The Government can't send anyone who can 'stomp them all flat', because at this point I'm not sure they have anybody who _can_."

"And the reason they don't drop an _Admiral_ on their collective skulls?" Drake inquired.

"Aside from the fact that Akainu is on the other side of the Red Line and the other two, while powerful, do whatever they damn well please?" Jonathan dryly replied. Leaning back again, he folded his arms before him. "Aside from that, either result ends badly for the Government: if they send an Admiral and he wins, then it looks excessive and smacks of weakness. And if by some remote chance the Admiral loses…"

"Then the Warlords turn on us and they and the Emperors fall on us like a ton of bricks, right, right…" Cormac tugged nervously at his collar. "I… honestly don't know which is more likely to occur."

"The Straw Hats do not have the capability to defeat an Admiral in direct and fair combat, even if they _have_ most likely incorporated sea prism stone into their arsenals by now," Jonathan stated. "But that's not to say the Straw Hats aren't skilled and dangerous. Besides the other two corners of the Big Three, I doubt anyone this side of the Red Line can match the Straw Hats."

 _THWACK! "GROOOAAAR!"_

"…Addendum," the returning Henrick blandly as the giga-panda knocked Luffy and Boss away, the eagle flapping furiously to keep the viewpoint level with them.

"Give it a moment," Jonathan prompted.

And indeed, as the Vice Admiral had divined, the pirates managed to catch themselves on a bent palm tree rather than going flying through the jungle, with Luffy's arm stretching out to grab a nearby tree and keep them anchored in place.

" _Okay, credit where it's due,"_ Boss muttered, rubbing his jaw. " _That thing is definitely the local boss for a reason."_

" _Yeah, well, we don't have time to deal with him!"_ Luffy snorted, his face a rictus of impatient fury. The Rubber-Man shifted his footing so that he was higher up on the palm tree's trunk. " _I'll go high, you go low!"_

" _Right!"_ Boss confirmed the order with a nod and a pound of his 'knuckles'. " _Pull!"_

Luffy didn't so much 'pull' as 'released', letting his arm unwind and allowing the palm tree they were perched on to snap upright. As a result of their positions, Luffy was sent flying almost straight upwards, whereas Boss was shot directly at the charging bear.

The bear responded with another blood-curdling howl, extending its double-jointed arms in an effort to bat the dugong into its slavering jaws.

And it was without even a hint of hesitation that Boss literally _swam_ through the air, pumping his tail to dodge around the bear's claws and get up close to the mega-mammal's torso.

" _Full-Shell Style!"_ Boss huffed, grabbing hold of the bear's chest-fur. " _Water Spout Throw!"_ And with a spin that by all rights had _nowhere_ near enough leverage to work, Boss threw the bear skyward, right into Luffy and his ballistic path.

Luffy, who, at this moment, was rapidly unwinding his torso and limbs to let loose with his pipe. Though rather than the ascending bear, Luffy snapped his furious attention to something _past_ the beast. " _CROSS! BATTER UP!"_

The snail's view panned downward to show Cross working on slicing into the octopus. Grumbling unprintable words, Cross turned away from the cephalopod, shook his hands clean and dropped into a kneeling position, catching his very eager cannon on his shoulder.

"— _meat-huffing slave-driving idiot-savant son of a-CANI-CANNON!"_ he bellowed.

The hound-gun belted out one of its signature baseball bombs skyward, the projectile shooting past the enemy monster, and instead at Luffy…

"GUUUUM-GUUUUM!" Luffy roared, slamming his pipe into the ball with full force, sending it flying even faster in the direction of the bear. "GRAND SLAM!"

The baseball flew true, striking its target and sinking so deep into the bear's stomach that its back bulged out. The monster kept its position for a second… two seconds… and then it shot back down to the earth, smashing out a large crater in the clearing's stonework—

 _KA-_ _ **BOOOOOM!**_

And meeting its end from a fiery explosion that detonated almost literally in its gut.

[…Ouch,] Terry winced. [Still, that was proper **Bear Glove**.]

He paused for a moment, waiting for the customary reaction. His west-eye moved until he was looking at Isaiah…'s empty perch.

The sudden squawk he let out drew the officers' attention, and Jonathan blinked in surprise. "That's strange. Did any of you see Isaiah fly off?"

The officers shook their heads.

 **-o-**

"Alright, guys, soup's on!" I called out over my shoulder. I then patted Lassoo's barrel, at which he cut off the stream of fire he'd been using to charbroil the land-borne octopus carcass. "Come and get it while it's—!"

 _POP!_

I shivered in disgust at the pustule of blood and… who _knows_ what else that swelled up and popped in the crevasse I'd carved into the beast's rubbery flesh.

"Still utterly revolting in every way," I concluded lamely. "Urgh, sonnuva… have I mentioned I miss Sanji yet?"

"Five times," Boss 'helpfully' informed me as he stripped the bark off a large branch he'd retrieved.

Funkfreed nodded in agreement, rummaging his trunk around in the jungle so he could pick up some grub for himself. "I think the loudest was when that possum we ate gave you diarrhea."

I sent a questioning glance towards my sword. "Which one? The one with the ballistic needles or the one that swallowed Boss?"

"Needles," everyone else chorused flatly.

The memory popped up in my brain, in all its… let's say 'glory'. I grimaced. "Riiiiiight…"

I had little choice but to start eating as soon as the others came within grabbing range; Luffy may have started cutting back recently, forgoing his typical mannerisms seeing as we didn't have time for it while we were in a place like this—which was ironic, since this place was a mirror of where he'd learned it—but the constant fighting and subsequent constant need to replenish his stamina meant that that was only so much help.

Lassoo and Boss, on the other hand, had no such restraint, which meant that it was either nix the revulsion or go hungry. And I wasn't stupid enough to listen to my tongue more than my stomach. At least Funkfreed was content to eat the foliage instead.

Still, I didn't have that much time to 'enjoy' my meal, due to the second mouth on my body scowling and glancing aside. " **Hey guys, just a quick heads up,** _ **BUT TRY AND MAKE YOURSELVES LOOK NICE.**_ WE'VE GOT AN AUDIENCE AGAIN."

I found myself grimacing for a reason besides how it felt like I was chewing on a burnt tire. Yay. "Ugh, don't tell me, the eagle's back?" A glance aside confirmed that, yes, our avian stalker and Soundbite's peeping-tom cousin were back and watching us.

" _Yeee-pah,"_ Soundbite popped the word sourly. " _Even when we've lost our GATEWAY TO THE WORLD, WE'RE STILL_ _ **the number one show**_ **IN THE BLUE SEAS!"** He glanced aside and spat in disgust. " **How comforting."**

I narrowed my eyes at our antagonizer's cronies. "Yeah, well, apologies to our _dear_ viewers, but _surprisingly,_ quality takes a noticeable drop when you're watching a cheap knock-off. Observe." So saying, I showed the eagle my own bird.

"Betcha I could bash that thing's brains out from here," Boss grumbled, a rock tossed between his flippers.

"Don't," Luffy ordered around his meat. "We don't need them calling for backup like last time."

"… _feh."_ Grumbling under his breath, Boss tossed the rock into the underbrush, prompting _something_ to run off with a panicked yelp.

We all froze up at the burst of motion, snapping panicked looks at Soundbite.

He scrunched up his face intently for a moment before sagging in relief. "SCAVENGER, _not a scout._ _ **We're good."**_

We all joined him in relief, though said relief was tempered by our continued circumstances.

"Christ on a blazing pikestaff, this place is _killing me…"_ I groaned. " _When_ are we going to be able to _stop?"_

"When we find wherever the Sunny landed," Boss replied. "Once that's done, we'll find the others and find whichever island his base is on. And when we get there, we'll show him why… why no one… no one…" Boss trailed off, his expression unchanging, but the way his fists were clenching made it obvious what he was thinking about.

I shook my head with a sympathetic sigh. "I know, Boss, I know. That bastard already messed with us… but once we get everyone back together and find him?"

"I'll turn him inside out and punt him straight into Gramps' lap!" Luffy finished with a particularly bloodthirsty snarl.

"…that, yes," I nodded in agreement, _not_ willing to remark on my captain's uncharacteristic viciousness. Instead, I went back to trying to choke down my current mouthful of 'meat'—an endeavor in and of itself—while warily eyeing the jungle around us. "Anyways… seeing as we've got a minute to breathe until the rest of the bastards catch up to us, might as well ask the stupid question: you guys still going strong?"

"Yeah… but it's weird that we are," Boss said with a frown. "I mean sure, I've practiced harsh training on a regular basis for the past few decades, and Luffy's just a damn monster—!"

"Th'nks, Bssh!" Luffy mumbled, adding a thumbs-up.

"—but even after how strong I've gotten since joining up with you guys, it doesn't make sense. A solid week of guerilla tactics against beasts that I will freely admit match me in raw strength, never stopping to rest for more than an hour until they catch up to us, and only raw meat and whatever water we can find keeping us going…"

Boss's frown deepened and he waved his meat at me. "I'm not complaining that I'm not getting tired, it's both useful and badass, but I know my limits, and I should have passed them days ago. And you and your boys should have too, for that matter."

Lassoo looked up from his meal with a thoughtful chuff. "Shellhead's got a point. I'm running low on fumes for my Cani-Blaze, sure, but apart from that? I've coughed up almost a hundred bombs non-stop over the past few days, and I _still_ don't feel empty. That's… not normal."

"Hmm…" I looked at Luffy, who from his expression was thinking the same thing. Something was off all right, but what was it? Sighing, I forced down another mouthful of octopus to keep up my strength… and then I swallowed again when something occurred to me.

"Guys?" I mumbled. "Not to alarm you, but, uh… I think we've been drugged."

Of course, everyone else reacted with the utmost poise and oh who the hell am I kidding, everyone who wasn't Luffy spat out what they were chewing and belted out a panicked "WHAT?!"

Luffy was a lot calmer, taking the time to finish chewing and swallow before responding. "Whaddaya mean, Cross?"

"Well I mean, think about it! This place." I swung my arms out, indicating our surroundings. "It's not natural, right? And I don't just mean the whole floating in the sky bit, I'm talking about the actual environment. The animals. I mean, look at the gauntlet we've run: all carnivores, all the time, omnivores at best, but no pure herbivores _anywhere._ This kind of trainwreck of a food-chain doesn't come into being on its own, right?"

" _Trainwreck nothing, these islands are an asylum!"_

I looked at my shoulder in surprise. "Soundbite?"

The snail grimaced. " _ **Thi**_ _ **s place is insane…**_ **that's not a generalization, I'M BEING LITERAL! THIS WHOLE PLACE HAS LOST ITS MIND ON A PRIMAL LEVEL! Everything we've seen, everything we've experienced, it's all trumped by** THE SHEER MADNESS OF THIS HELLHOLE! I MEAN… _you know how I haven't been able_ _ **to translate these things FROM DAY ONE?"**_

"It _has_ contributed to diplomatic tensions, yes," Lassoo agreed, snickering.

 _THWAP!_

"YIPE!"

Said smirk was promptly wiped off his muzzle when Funkfreed smacked him with his trunk.

"Not like we have much room to talk either, Snoopy," the other Zoan-weapon groused. "None of us can make heads or tails of what that damn thing is saying."

"YEAH, WELL, THAT'S FOR A DAMN GOOD REASON!" Soundbite replied. " **The reason we can't make heads or tails** _ **of these guys is because THEY'RE EVOLVING!**_ **NOT JUST INDIVIDUALLY, BUT AS SPECIES!** _SOME OF THE THINGS WE'VE FOUGHT, THEY COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE THAN A MONTH OLD! Maybe less!"_

"Woah, so those were the babies?!" Luffy sat up in surprise. "But they were so tough!"

"No, Captain, what Cross is saying is that those things _were_ the adults, it's just that they grow up really fast and have kids fast too!" Boss clarified. "Which… explains us not getting what they're saying. They're evolving so fast that their… er…" Boss spun his flipper, searching for the words. "Let's say 'communication skills', have grown way beyond what we recognize."

Soundbite nodded at the dugong. "BINGO. _AND REALLY, THAT'S THE_ _ **STICKY BIT. 'CAUSE AFTER ALL…**_ **we've seen this before, remember?"**

Luffy's eyes widened in recognition. "Wait, you mean—?!"

"Shshsh!" I hissed, shooting a scathing glance at our ever-present watchers.

Thankfully, Luffy got the message and he rethought what he was about to say. "You mean that the same guys who made… _him_ who he was made these things too?"

"It fits what _he_ said. An island in the sky that's not a sky island, animals more vicious than you can imagine…" I slowly looked at the islands listing through the sky above us with new eyes. "A 'realm ruled by power'. A world where the strong devour the weak without pity."

Boss tsked darkly, eyeing the carcasses of our downed opponents. "Strong World… yeah, that's a damn better name for this place than 'Merveille', that's for damn sure."

"Cross," Funkfreed interjected. "We're getting off topic: what did you mean that we've been drugged?"

"Remember the bastards who came to get _him?"_ I asked the elephant. "They said that 'Indigo' was the one who gave them the experimental drugs that pushed their bodies above and beyond their limits." I pointed down at our meal. "Sound familiar?"

"So…" Luffy frowned and tilted his head almost a perfect 90 degrees to the side, the gears almost visibly turning in his head. "You think this Indigo guy is working for _that bastard,_ and he's been using his mystery drugs to turn animals into the things we're fighting?"

"Precisely." I pointed at him. "Indigo doses the animals, the animals become titanic murder-monsters. The poison that makes them monsters stays in their bodies, we kill and eat them and get that stuff in our bodies, letting us keep fighting for a week straight without worrying about sleep." I looked down at my hand and clenched and unclenched my fist. "Thankfully, it looks like whatever Indigo's been giving these things is better than what he was giving the Amigos, so I don't… _think_ we're gonna wind up like those guys. But just to be safe, let's not have any kids until Chopper's given us a once over. Agreed?"

Most everyone else nodded with no small amount of trepidation, but Luffy was still frowning in confusion.

"You still don't understand something, captain?" I asked.

Luffy made to answer, and then we all felt a spike of terror shoot through us when he snapped his attention to the side.

"So what you guys are saying is the reason we're all stronger is because we ate the animals that had that Indigo guy's mystery drugs in them, right?" Luffy said slowly, his eyes steadily scanning the treeline.

"Yeeeaaah," I slowly drew out my confirmation, glancing around to try and find whatever had Luffy so on edge. "It's probably how Funkfreed's been keeping up too: blood from the animals seeping into the ground, and then the plants. "

"Alright…" Luffy nodded in understanding. "Then I've got another question." He glanced at us with dead seriousness. "If that worked for us, wouldn't it work for the animals too?"

Soundbite and I slowly exchanged questioning looks. "Uhhh… maaaybe?" I hedged.

"THAT… DOES MAKE SENSE," Soundbite confirmed with a jerky nod. " _ **Kinda like a perversion of biomagnification, WITH THE TOXINS**_ **HELPING** _**THE ANIMALS…**_ **for a given definition of 'help,' anyways."**

"It'd definitely enforce the whole 'survival of the fittest' theme this place has going for it," Boss mused, cupping his chin in thought. "The strongest animals would eat the most, and thus become even stronger as they horde the toxins, making them the… undisputable… alphas…" The captain of our ship's guard slowly trailed off as he turned his gaze on the trio of beasties we'd just downed.

Lassoo and Funkfreed both broke into cold sweat as they reached the same conclusion we were all achieving.

"Alphas," Funkfreed whispered quietly. "Like the ones we've been running into over the past week. That the other animals have been _driving_ us into."

"And whose corpses we've had to leave mostly intact when the other animals chased us away?" Lassoo whimpered.

"They wanted us to take down the strongest animals around for them," Luffy stated as he slowly stood up, his hand tilting his hat down so that it shadowed his eyes. "So that they could get their jaws on the mystery drugs for themselves."

"And now," I picked up, slowly joining Luffy in standing up, Lassoo and Funkfreed hastily ran to my side and shifted so that I could hold them and brandish them at the jungle, which I was suddenly _very_ wary of. "After a week of running around and killing alphas and who knows how many other beasts, they've gotten their fangs and mandibles on a motherlode of toxin all at once. They've all become significantly stronger. Strong enough to kill any alphas they want on their own." I swallowed heavily, clenching my weapons as tight as possible in an effort to keep myself from shaking. "Strong enough that they don't need us anymore."

"And because they've been trained to think that eating something gives you its strength…" Boss grunted, idly spinning his hook in his flipper. "There's no way in hell that they're going to let prime cuts like us walk away without tearing strips from our hides."

Soundbite slowly closed his eyes with a pitiful moan. " _How'd you figure out they were_ RIGHT **outside the edge of my hearing, CAP'N?"**

"The jungle was too quiet," Luffy grimly answered. "They were pulling back to charge us all at once as soon as they were ready…"

" _And they're ready,"_ Soundbite sighed as the sound of snapping trees echoed from not far away. " _ **This is gonna suck…"**_

 **-o-**

"I actually feel sort of sorry for them at this point," a blue-haired swordswoman sighed as she practiced her slashes.

"Kyuu," chimed her on-looking companion.

" _Soundbite?"_ Cross asked without looking at his partner.

" _A dozen._ TWO DOZEN. _FIFTY,_ **A HUNDRED,** _**TWO HUNDRED**_ …" The snail's naturally ashen complexion slowly became paler and paler. " _Sonnuva_ **RED DOG** , _**I THINK THE WHOLE DAMN ISLAND WANTS TO TRY ITS LUCK!"**_

Monkey D. Luffy, meanwhile, squared his stance and shifted around so that he and his tactician were back to back. " _Cross, do you have a plan?"_

Cross licked his lips, nervously twirling his sword in his palm. " _Well, Luffy, considering how we're surrounded on all sides, vastly outnumbered, and have no way out and no hope of backup or rescue… yeah, I think I have one."_

Boss slowly sucked in a deep breath, calmly reducing what was left of his cigar to ashes before flicking away the remaining stub. " _What is it?"_

K-CHK!

" _How does 'make a stand' sound to you?"_ Cross asked grimly.

" _IT SOUNDS GREAT!"_ Luffy flung his arms out with a massive roar, eyes blazing with primal fury. " _BRING IT ON!"_

"Well, at least they've still got their 'never say die' attitude," Tashigi rolled her eyes, half wearily and half fondly.

"Lieutenant Tashigi."

Said swordswoman looked back towards the grunt who owned the visual snail they were currently making use of—something about it helping with lookout duty—as he approached.

"Our destination is on the horizon; we'll be there in an hour or less."

"Thank you, Petty Officer," Tashigi said, and then turned to her newer recruit. "Popora, could you inform Commodore Smoker that we're nearly to Navarone? I need to alert Vice Admiral Jonathan to our arrival."

The hybrid creature snorted, but still scampered off into the ship.

 **-o-**

The thriving town of St. Poplar was enjoying a massive shake-up in their normal routine. The pirate crew that had arrived a day before to resupply—regulars on the island, well-known for being good customers—had leapt at the opportunity that the sudden broadcast presented; in less than an hour, a full-scale festival had sprouted up around the screen.

And like all good festivals, everything had a somewhat overlarge price tag.

"Oh, sweet Christmas!" 'Silver Fox' Foxy cackled, wringing his hands together. "Some of ze Straw Hats' strongest and most infamous members getting in an all-out brawl with an army of mutant superanimals!? We're going to make a mint!"

"On top of the mint we've _already_ made, you mean!" Porche agreed, poring over the laboriously organized cash box. "We haven't made this much since the Mock Island Massacre!"

A trail of drool slipped out of Foxy's mouth at the memory of that debacle. "Soooo many drunk idiots thinking they could outmuscle us! And every one of them completely wrong! Oh, may the world never run short on suckers!"

"Hey, you!"

The shout snapped Foxy out of his daydream, and he shot a stink eye at the local thug who was pointing a gun at him and his aide. "Case in point… hey, lazy-eyes, you want our hard-earned money, which we earned through honest swindling?" The pirate stepped aside and gestured forwards politely. "Then please, by all means."

The thug gave Foxy a confused look before leering and starting to dash forwards. "Weak-ass piece of—!"

"Slow-Slow Beam," Foxy drawled, freezing the would-be robber in place. Porche followed up ten seconds later by tossing the now empty money-box at the man's head, upon which Foxy froze the box as well.

"Have fun with that, dingus," the Silver Fox called over his shoulder with a wave and a chuckle. As he walked towards the screening area, he started wringing his hands again, fighting the urge to cackle. "Now, time to see the one-sided beat—!"

"Captain, we've got a problem!" Pickles shouted frantically as he jogged up to his shorter superior.

"Oh, come on, don't tell me the three stooges and change _already_ beat them all!" Foxy snarled, shoving past his subordinate. "I know they're ludicrously powerful, but even for them there's a limit!"

"Ah, no, the problem's not really with the fight itself…" Pickles grunted as he hustled after his boss. "But, well…"

"ARGH!"

Foxy could only gape in horror at the screen, which showed a soaring, rapidly moving view of the airborne archipelago _with no Straw Hats._

"It's the fact… that the bird isn't sticking around… to watch it…" the tackle-master finished weakly.

"THE SECOND THAT SKINNY TWERP GETS HIS BOX BACK, I'M RIPPING HIM A NEW ONE FOR ALL THE WORLD TO HEAR!" Foxy roared.

"Hey hey hey, it's not his fault, that's not fair!" Pickles hastily defended their incognito superior.

"The betting on that blowout was going to fund our commission to Water 7 to build the Brass Fox," Foxy snarled in an almost rabid tone, teeth audibly grinding. "You know, the ship that Hamburg was going to be in charge of and that was going to have our own custom booby-trapped Groggy Ring on its deck?"

"I'LL DICE THEM INTO BITE-SIZED PIECES!" Pickles howled, ripping his sabers from their sheaths.

"Boss, Pickles, knock it off," Porche cut in. "Think about it for a minute. This broadcast is obviously meant to show off the Straw Hats struggling to the world. If it's leaving those three right as it's getting good, either it's going to show some of the _other_ Straw Hats—"

"Or it's going to show the big man himself getting a status report," Foxy finished, his irritation ebbing away and his grin returning. "Either way, more of a show… and still something that can be bet on! Someone hurry up and set those odds!"

"You ever think the Boss might be taking this a bit far?" Capote hissed to the crew's announcer.

"You haven't seen the treasure tax that our big boss's treasurer and second mate slapped him with…" Itomimizu sorrowfully replied.

"Oh, cherry blossoms!" Porche squealed in delight.

Attention returned to the screen, where the eagle was currently soaring over a lovely land filled with the cherry blossoms of springtime and where a different variety of monsters was swarming and raging. At the same time, a distant sound drifted across the connection. It took a moment to identify, but the more that the eagle flew, the more it sounded like Soundbite was nearby given the sonorous music blaring out. And alongside it was screaming…

" _NAAAMI-SWAAAN! ROBIN DEEEAR! PRINCEEEEESS VIVIIIII! WHERE ARE YOU, MY LOVELIES?!"_

" _EVERYOOOONE! WE'RE HEEEERE! RIGHT HEEEERE!"_

" _FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, WILL YOU TWO MORONS STOP GIVING AWAY OUR LOCATION?!"_

" _ARF ARF A-ARF ARF!"_

" _WHY DID I HAVE TO BE STUCK WITH THE SUICIDAL IDIOTS!?"_

The eagle finally came into view of the source: Sanji, his face mostly hidden by a large hat and… medical mask; Conis, Tone Dials in both hands blaring out music for all to hear; another one of the Dugongs, Mikey by the color of his bandana; and a very miserable-looking Usopp who was making just as much noise with his exasperated sobs.

"Perfect!" Foxy exclaimed in joy.

" _MIKEY, YOU CANNOT TELL ME THAT AFTER ALL YOUR TRAINING WITH BOSS, YOU'RE STILL THIS STUPID!"_

The Dugong paused his bellowing, glared at Usopp, and flailed his flippers in a somehow significant pattern before resuming his bellowing. The sniper blinked and pulled a book out of his bag, flipping through the pages and muttering. Several people in the audience, meanwhile, just looked confused, lacking a translation.

"I'm pretty sure that he just said 'I don't care, this is fun.'"

Attention turned towards Foxy, who shrugged. "I don't know a lot of sign language, but I've seen _that_ phrase more than enough times over the years."

Usopp's eyes twitched as he found the translation, clearly fighting the urge to throw the book at the dugong.

" _FUN?!"_ he screamed.

And right on cue, the foliage at the edge of the clearing parted, and in charged… a green giraffe.

"… _OK, seriously. Why would anyone ever try to make a_ giraffe _into a killing machine? It was stupid enough the first time,"_ Sanji shook his head.

 **-o-**

Elsewhere in the Grand Line, Kaku was struck with a sudden urge to murder someone.

He then blinked in surprise when something poked him in the shoulder, and turned to find Hattori offering him a flask of… _something_ or other.

"You too, huh?" the long-nosed assassin deadpanned, and then sighed in defeat when the pigeon nodded. "Alright, hit me."

 **-o-**

Predictably, the giraffe was only the vanguard of the mob of animals that the pirates' noisemaking attracted. From all around, a stream of beasts emerged: a gigantic caterpillar, a massive blue tiger with two tails and six legs, a swarm of small bulls that bore a resemblance to tikis, a giant and menacing squirrel, a king-sized boar with porcupine quills over its entire body…if anyone watching was disappointed about not witnessing a massive free-for-all, this was a good consolation prize.

Besides, they kinda _were_ getting a massive free-for-all. Sanji, upon seeing the stampede, dove straight at the small bulls, sending the creatures flying alongside a musical accompaniment of sung beef recipes. That prompted the bulls to put aside their differences and gang up on the chef, though the steady flight of more of the bulls clearly indicated how well _that_ strategy was working.

Conis and Mikey, meanwhile, pulled out weapons that were very much _not_ what the viewers were used to. After all, nobody had heard of Conis using a piece of wood the size of a small cannon in a manner much akin to a staff, nor were nunchucks usually constructed out of bones.

The lack of special effects from Usopp, situated behind the above two plinking away at the quilled boar, merely emphasized the oddness.

"Where's the kaboom?" Pickles complained. "Come on, we know those two are _bristling_ with explosive goodies! Why aren't they using them?"

"Do you know how fast ammo runs out in a sustained firefight?" Porche shot back. "I do. I do the accounting after every battle. You _never_ have enough. Honestly, if they still had any ammo past day one I'll eat my makeup kit."

"Then why's Usopp still shooting?"

"Because he's shooting _rocks_ , dingus," Foxy deadpanned. "You look closely, you can see them shattering on that porcupine boar thing. He doesn't need gunpowder, and you can just pick decent rocks for shooting off of the ground. That slingshot'll keep shooting until something breaks, and from what we know of his work that's a long ways off."

On screen, Mikey dodged out of the way of the caterpillar, before kicking off the air and landing on its head. To the surprise of everyone, he then swung his nunchucks down and around the insect's body, grunted happily after an experimental tug, and then used his tail to slap it into motion.

To the surprise of no one, that just pissed it off, and the caterpillar began thrashing about, trying to dislodge its impromptu mount.

The boar, meanwhile, seemed to have tired of getting shot at, as it shrugged off one last rock to the face before pawing the ground and charging straight at Usopp. One last rock failed to slow it down, and everyone expected Usopp to beat feet away.

So you can imagine the reaction to him planting Kabuto in the dirt and standing his ground.

"Is he crazy?!" Porsche yelped, bug-eyed.

"Has the fear finally snapped his mind like a twig?!" Foxy demanded.

Pickles shook his head. "Nah, he's gonna do something really cool! I know it!"

Usopp continued to stand his ground as the boar drew ever closer. In fact, he wasn't moving at all. The festival atmosphere evaporated in favor of tense silence as everyone in the square watched the feed, and mothers covered the eyes of their children. Were they about to see this broadcast turn into a snuff film? And why wasn't Usopp doing anything?!

The boar was about five feet from Usopp when the camera suddenly panned up. Protests died on the audience's tongues at the sight of Conis falling out of the sky, her log-like weapon grinding into the windpipe of the blue tiger, the creature trying and failing to dislodge her with its tails. With a grunt of exertion, the Skypiean flipped in mid-air, the tiger going along for the ride until it belly flopped right onto the charging boar.

There was a moment where the only sounds were the background battle noises, and then both creatures squealed in pain, a good octave or two higher than their initial voices. Given one had been squashed under two tons of tiger and the other had gotten a bellyful of porcupine quills, this was an entirely appropriate reaction. The tiger promptly clambered off the boar, and both beat a hasty retreat, leaving behind a still-frozen Usopp and a panting Conis.

" _Oh, good…"_ she groaned. " _I wasn't… sure that'd… work… ow… gonna need to ask Sanji for another massage tonight…"_ Straightening, she turned towards Usopp. " _Usopp, the beasts are gone."_

The Foxy trio exchanged confused glances, but shouting from the square drew them back to the show in time to see Usopp keel backwards, which showed _exactly_ why he hadn't dodged: his eyes were wide, tearing, and bloodshot, and his entire expression radiated terror.

" _Oh, I have I-Don't-Want-To-Be-On-This-Island-Anymore Disease again,"_ he whimpered. " _And this time it's fatal."_

"You were saying something?" Foxy queried, one eyebrow raised as he looked sidelong at Pickles. A gaping, poleaxed Pickles.

Meanwhile, the camera panned back up to take in the entire battlefield. Mikey was still riding the caterpillar, and the clearing was now noticeably larger, shattered trees strewn about. Bulls were still flying from where Sanji was fighting. And Su… had just smugly strutted into the picture with the giant squirrel lying in an insensate, twitching heap behind her?! What?

As if sensing the patent disbelief of the distant audience, the cloud fox turned to the camera and stuck her tongue out at it.

"How…" Porche breathed.

"Guess that confirms Cross's hypothesis of the drugs being intended for animal consumption…" Foxy half-whimpered.

"You mean that now she's—?" Pickles began, only to flail his arms.

"Uh-huh…"

After another few seconds of open-mouthed gaping, by some unspoken agreement, the audience collectively decided to forget that had ever happened. At least, that happened with the Foxy trio. Besides, much more interesting things were going on elsewhere on the screen. Sanji, for instance, kicking an opening through the pile of bulls that had been around him, before delivering a " _Party Manners Kick Course!"_ right to the center of the caterpillar as it bounded over him, still trying to dislodge the stubborn dugong on its back.

The massive insect promptly collapsed into a quivering heap, Mikey rolling off and pumping his flippers, at which point Sanji kicked him upside the head. Conis, dragging Usopp behind her, joined the two a few seconds later, and the audience promptly relaxed.

" _Wait. Where'd the giraffe go?"_

" _BAROOOOO!"_

The audience tensed right back up as the giraffe barged back in on the fight, bellowing and stomping.

"Huh, smart," Porche muttered. "Let them wear each other out and then ambush."

"Ssh!" Pickles hissed.

The Straw Hats onscreen tensed up, ready to fight… and then Usopp stood up and stepped in front of them, a confident smirk on his face.

"Great, _now_ what's he doing?" Porche groaned.

"He has a plan, I just know it!" Pickles barked.

Foxy rolled his eyes. "Like the _last_ time?"

Apparently, the Straw Hats agreed if Su's eye-rolling and Sanji's growled " _What are you doing, shit-sniper?"_ were anything to go by.

Usopp, for his part, just told them, " _Don't worry, guys, I got this."_

The giraffe, for its part, demonstrated its utter contempt for Usopp's bravado by letting out a snort that managed to sound derisive before charging. In response, Usopp braced himself and cupped his hands at his side. Many a facepalm echoed out at that.

"He's not seriously gonna…" Foxy groaned between his hands.

"He's gonna do it! He's gonna do it!"

" _Take this!"_ Usopp declared. " _Super Mega Ultra Turtle Destruction Wave: Version Omega!"_

To the shock of everyone, at those words a blue glow built up in Usopp's cupped hands. And 'everyone' included the giraffe. Its eyes widened, and it immediately hit the brakes and reversed course back into the underbrush.

Usopp held his pose and expression until the giraffe was not only out of sight but out of audible range before slumping in relief. He recovered a few seconds later, and grinned, bringing his hand forward and revealing what he had in it.

" _A Lamp Dial,"_ Conis said, her expression growing into a smile. " _Impressive innovation, Usopp!"_

" _Well, what can I say?"_ the sniper said, smugly rubbing his finger beneath his nose. " _I'm the greatest liar this side of the Grand Line! No man nor beast can outsmart me when push comes to shove!"_

"And thus, the Straw Hats remind us that even in a realm of brute force, trickery is still a force to be reckoned with," Foxy crooned, scribbling down in a notebook.

Mikey suddenly either had a seizure or sign-languaged another sentence. "' _Any chance you could teach me that sleight of hand later?' That's what he said,"_ Sanji said, pointing to the dugong and dispelling the confusion.

" _Once we're back with the others and out of this nightmare, sure,"_ Usopp said.

" _Oh, yes, the others,"_ Conis said, fishing around in her outfit. Sanji's eye began to morph into a heart and Mikey grinned eagerly, and Usopp's grin fell away, eyes twinkling with pure malice.

" _ **Oh, like**_ **hell** _**are you three bringing this place down on us again!"**_ he snapped.

Usopp grabbed something out of of his bag and vanished. The viewers blinked as a blur shot around the Straw Hats, blocking them from view. Seconds later, the view cleared, revealing Conis, Sanji, and Mikey fumbling with their faces, which were now covered from upper lip to neck in something gray and shiny; Usopp materialized beside the eagle, nodding in satisfaction as he dropped a pair of shells into his bag. He then turned directly towards the camera, holding up a roll of the same material that his crewmates were now struggling with.

" _Duct tape, ladies and gentlemen. The all-purpose tool, and excellent for shutting up noisy crewmates when you're looking for a little peace and quiet."_

"…Porche?" Foxy deadpanned.

"Already leaving, Boss," Porche responded, heading for the nearest hardware store just as the camera's view started to soar away from the Straw Hats again.

 **-o-**

"Come on, come on…"

"Your highness, you're going to gnaw clean through your thumb at this rate," Igaram chided.

"My daughter and her friends are trapped in a bioweapons lab several miles in the sky that is being maintained by one of the most infamous members of the Old Guard to ever live," Cobra Nefertari grit out, teeth still working at his nail.. "If you think I'm going to calm down before I know she's perfectly safe, you're out of your mind."

" _AAAAGH! SOMEONE HELP ME ALREADY!"_

Chaka slapped a hand to his face with a groan at the familiar voice. "Uh-oh." In front of him, Cobra gripped the handles of his chair hard enough for them to creak.

As the eagle swooped down onto a moderately forested island with an autumn climate, the Alabastians couldn't help but feel tense. It was with no small amount of relief to the royals that the camera soon found a path torn through the brown-leaved trees, liberally decorated with fallen animals.

"Well, at least whoever she's stuck with is clearly strong enough to protect her, right?" Pell weakly pointed out.

" _YOU LAZY BASTARDS! GET OFF YOUR ASSES AND MAKE THIS THING STOP!"_ Vivi yelled.

"' _LAZY' MY THREE-POINTED CHIN, 'YOUR MAJESTY'! WE'VE GOT OUR HANDS FULL, AND THAT'S_ WITH _ROBIN HELPING US!"_

"You just _had_ to say it…" Chaka groaned as the creaking resumed.

The eagle's view finally reached the Straw Hats. And naturally, the scene it showed was an odd one. Vivi had her lion cutters latched in the jowls of a massive blood-red bronco as a makeshift bridle. Her arm wound around one chain while the other arm moved her hair out of her eyes, letting her look back at her crewmates with a growing blush and sheepish expression. Suddenly, Carue materialized a short distance away and began charging towards the bronco, which promptly skipped out of the frame, at which point the camera turned away.

From where the duck had come was a gargantuan banana-yellow serpent. Arms blossomed and wilted all over its body, though Nico Robin herself was nowhere to be seen at first. As the eagle came above the serpent, they saw her struggling within the serpent's grasp, countless arms blooming from all over her body to keep the coils from constricting her. On the outside sprinted Franky, his hair draping down in front of his face; Donny, who had kunai in flipper and seemed to be carving nicks all over the serpent's body; and… another figure in a peculiar outfit.

He had legs clad in black with dress shoes and a sword in one hand. The rest was hidden beneath a _fukaamigasa_ hat with strips of fabric hanging down and covering him from crown to waist. Even the hand wielding the sword that produced more nicks on the serpent wasn't visible.

"That's their musician, I would assume," Kohza said.

The view circled around the serpent for several moments, much to Cobra's ire. When it finally turned back towards his daughter, she wasn't having much better of a time, gritting her teeth while Carue darted among the bronco's legs, apparently looking for an opportunity.

" _SORRY IF I'M BEING A BIT SNAPPY,_ BUT I'M ABOUT TEN SECONDS AWAY FROM GETTING MY NECK SNAPPED!" Vivi shrieked.

" _Yeah, and we're trying not to get pumped full of the acid this thing is using as venom here!"_ Franky snapped back. " _So excuse_ us _if we're a little preoccupied right now!"_ The camera switched back to the snake in time to see Franky punch it and Donny carve another chunk out of its hide, drawing a pained hiss from the beast that seemed to come from everywhere. " _Sonuva- where is this thing's_ head?!"

" _Yohohohoho! I think that's what this entity's evolution was going for!"_ the apparent musician laughed as he zipped by. His voice was somewhat muffled by his headgear, but only enough to obfuscate his voice a little. Otherwise, he was perfectly audible. " _Never fear, though! I have a plan! All I need is… aha, my flute!"_

"Uh…" The three guards all exchanged confused looks, while Kohza looked thoughtful. Cobra was… less restrained.

"WHAT THE DEVIL IS A FLUTE GOING TO DO?!" he demanded of the screen.

" _STOP SCREWING AROUND AND_ HELP _, BROOK!"_ Franky and Vivi roared and screeched, respectively.

" _I say! What hostility!"_

" _Brook,"_ Nico Robin ground out through what sounded like gritted teeth. " _I'm going to assume you have a good plan here. Implement it, now, before this thing breaks any more of my arms, or I shall strip the flesh from your bones piece by piece and use it to wallpaper my library."_

" _A creative threat… but I don't—GRK!"_ The musician was cut off by what they assumed was a hand sprouting on his body and grabbing his throat.

" _ **I will find a way."**_

" _R-Right…"_ Brook gurgled. " _Plan now… joke later…"_

A moment later, a low, haunting melody rang out, one that was almost familiar to the gathered Alabastans.

"I've heard that song before…" Cobra muttered, furrowing his brow in thought.

"So have I," Pell added. "But where…?"

On screen, the snake froze, before beginning to undulate. After about half a minute, something poked out of the mass of snake. Something scaly, and diamond-shaped, with a forked tongue poking out of it.

"Ah, now I remember!" Igaram exclaimed, plopping his fist in his palm. "It's similar to the snake-charming song the priests of Apophis play during their snake festival!"

Cobra raised an eyebrow. "You mean the deathly boring snake festival that ten generations of Nefertaris have begged out of going to?"

"Er…"

"I was thinking more of the street performers, myself," Kohza stated.

"Your Majesty, look!"

Onscreen, the head of the snake was now blatantly obvious, as was the somewhat glazed look in its eyes. But that's not what drew everyone's attention. No, that was reserved for Nico Robin, who had stepped into the visual snail's eyesight and had donned a scowl of… anger wasn't the right word. Aggravation? Regardless, the expression was vindictive as hell when she crossed her arms.

" _Sesenta Fleur: Tie."_

The gathered Alabastians collectively winced as the music cut off and arms sprouted all along the snake's long neck. Each arm reached down, grasped the snake, and then _twisted_ just so. In no time at all, the head had been stuffed through several loops in the neck to make a neat bowline knot, tying the neck—and much of the body—of the snake into a loop.

The snake, now free of the song, attempted to untie itself, but the knot was too tight and it was entirely limited to yanking its head back. And Franky grabbing it right below the knot, well away from the head, didn't help.

" _I am_ SUPER! _done with all of this!"_ he declared, hefting the snake. " _So just… ah, whatever. I'm out of one-liners!"_ And with that, he gave it an experimental twirl and then slung the loop—no, the lasso—towards the bucking bronco. It neatly settled around the horse's neck, prompting it to stop and stare at the impromptu rope.

That pause proved fatal. Vivi took the opportunity to unsling her Lion cutters and then whip the blade into its eye. The horse whinnied in pain, bucked, threw Franky off the snake… and threw the snake up for the blur that was Carue to grab it. A few seconds later, the horse was neatly hogtied on its side, unable to move.

The Alabastians all sagged in relief as the fighting concluded, a motion that the Straw Hats all imitated.

" _Son… of a bitch…."_ Franky wheezed, bent over and puffing like a steam train. " _That… totally… suuuucked…"_

" _Indeed…"_ Robin concurred, wincing as she rolled her shoulders. " _Not to beat a dead horse—"_ Vivi dope-slapped her, the archaeologist barely flinching. " _But I am_ very much _coming to despise these islands. All in agreement?"_

Donny moved his flippers in what almost seemed to be a pattern.

" _Ah, yes, I suppose that you all have good reason to have long despised these islands. My apologies."_ Robin shook her head with a sigh. " _Anyway… all in favor of a ten minute break before continuing our trek?"_

" _Aye!"/ "ARF!"_ was the unanimous reply.

" _Glad to know I don't have to break anyone's shins with their own tibia."_ Robin sank to the ground with a gratified groan. The archaeologist then glanced at the musician. " _Still, while we have a second… Brook, do you need any help removing that basket from your head?"_

"Wait, basket? What bas—?" Chaka cut himself off mid-sentence, one eye twitching viciously. "You mean that that's _not_ a hat?!"

"What else bould—ahem, mah, mah, _MAH!"_ Igaram coughed. "What else would you expect of a Straw Hat?"

" _Hm?"_ the named-again Brook asked, pointing at himself in confusion before snapping his fingers. " _Oh! No, no need for that; I believe that I'll keep it for the time being. I quite like it! Snazzy, no?"_

" _Arf arf,"_ Donny deadpanned, which Carue responded to with a snicker and a high-flipper/wing.

"Oh, yes, he is _definitely_ a Straw Hat," Pell deadpanned.

"Indeed," Cobra sighed in relief before giving his retainers a firm nod. "Now, Chaka, I believe you were giving a report?"

"Wha—Your Highness?!" the jackal-man started in confusion. "But what about—?"

"Vivi is as safe as she can be in this situation," Cobra sighed wearily. "She has others of the crew alongside her and she can take care of herself. I am unhappy that she's in such danger, yes, but such is inevitable with any pirate crew, most of all the Straw Hats. The unknown factor is what worried me most; with her status confirmed, I need to return to our present business. Now, what news do you have, Chaka?"

The jackal-man was only a little slow in nodding withdrawing the papers he'd been reading from his jacket. "Alright, where was I… we've covered the blockade status, or lack thereof… no new reports from the Revolutionaries… ah, here we are. The Accinos have reported a strange trend in pirate movements over the last week."

"Rell—mah, mah, MAH!—really? I haven't heard about any pirate attacks recently," Igaram said.

"Exactly the Don's point," Chaka nodded at the captain. "While the blockade keeps out most of the pirate riff-raff, there's always a few who are foolish enough to run it and attack us. Except that recently, they haven't been doing that. In fact…" The general tapped the paper suspiciously. "According to the Accinos, there haven't been pirate attacks up a very large swathe of the Grand Line, period. For some reason, those who fly the black flag have been falling oddly silent recently. One or two is a coincidence, but this many at once…"

"Hm… a good point…" Cobra scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Chaka, do we know when these anomalies started?"

"Um… about a week ago, Your Majesty," Chaka informed him.

Cobra nodded at that, and then frowned. "Wait, that time frame… isn't that—?" he muttered darkly, glancing at the screen. He barely held back a curse when he saw that the viewpoint had moved on.

 **-o-**

[Well, at least now we know why the hell we couldn't find that island no matter how hard we looked,] First Mate Dugong muttered darkly as he scrutinized the ocean visible between the floating islands. [We were looking in the wrong damn place. Captain, want us to hit the surf again?]

[Don't bother,] Captain Dugong snorted dismissively. [The bastard's taken advantage of one of the greatest blind spots in all life: _nobody_ ever bothers to look up. We'd just be getting a fat lot of nothing.]

[Meaning…] First Mate groaned and kneaded his snout. [That we can only do the same thing we ever do in these situations: suck it up and wait for the Straw Hats to kick ass and take names. Right?]

[Trust me, I enjoy sitting on the sidelines as much as you, but if I can suck it up, so can you. Now shush!] Captain snapped his flipper up to silence any retorts from his second. [The bird's starting to circle again.]

The landscape the bird was circling this time was a land of whites, greys, and muted greens; of snow blanketing the landscape, broken only by the occasional boulder and the taller of the conifers that dominated the visible flora. And dead center in the camera view was a short line of people, a line that included a sight that caused a deep, yawning pit to open up in Captain Dugong's stomach.

See, the group consisted of Zoro, Merry, Chopper in his reindeer form, and Leo all but swimming through the loose powder. _And Zoro was leading_.

[Oh, don't tell me…] the Kung Fu dugong chieftain groaned.

" _This is getting ridiculous…"_ Merry grit out over the howling wind, furiously rubbing at her arms under the furskin cloak she was wearing. " _How the hell can a blizzard last a week straight!? I'm freezing my pitch, here!"_

" _It's not_ that _odd,"_ Chopper pointed out. The reindeer was unchanged in appearance, seemingly impervious to the cold and blinding snowfall. " _Sometimes, we'd have month-long blizzards on Drum Island. You learn to stock up enough food and fuel."_

 _[Personally, I'm more concerned with the_ reason _why we're still stuck in this hellhole in the first place!]_ Leo snarled through chattering teeth.

" _The dugong's got a point! Remind me_ why _we let Zoro lead the way!?"_ Merry snapped.

[The ship-girl can speak dugong now?] First Mate remarked.

[She had Boss, the brats, the reindeer, and the snail on her for months! Makes sense that she'd pick up second language or two, don't it?] another member of the crew barked up.

[Fair,] Captain conceded.

" _We already tried letting you three lead, remember?"_ Zoro said with a roll of his eyes. " _But if any of you want to give it another try, go right ahead. I'm sure it'll work out_ great _for you."_

 _[Gladly!]_ Leo declared, leaping ahead of the swordsman and jabbing his blade into the wall of snow. _[Now! Onwards! To home and to_ — _!…I just stabbed something in the side, didn't I?]_

The Great Kung Fu Fleet, as one, slapped their flippers to their faces.

Leo had, indeed, stabbed something in the side. The snow rumbled and then fell off in chunks, revealing a massive brown yak with horns the size of trees. And from the expression on its face, it was _pissed_ , a conclusion only reinforced by the angry bellow it let out. Leo hastily removed his sword. The yak proceeded to batted him aside with a single contemptuous flick of his head.

 _[WHYYYYyyyy_ — _!?]_ FWUMP!

"… _Right. That's why."_ Merry sighed and slapped a hand to her face. " _Aaaand he just landed in a nest of those ice-raven things, didn't he?"_

The sound of tinkling and windy caws rang out, alongside a miserable _[A-HA-HA-AAAAAGH!]_

[This place just gets better and better…] First Mate muttered sarcastically.

" _Chopper, go save the shellhead. Merry, help me kill dinner,"_ Zoro matter-of-factly ordered. " _And once that's done, you can all stop your bellyaching. I'm positive I know the way out of here."_

The doctor and helmsgirl stared at their erstwhile superior for a few seconds before exchanging flat looks.

" _Chopper?"_

" _Yes, Merry?"_

" _Are we going to die here?"_

" _Ignoring that I'm built for this kind of weather, we have_ _ **a**_ _**72% chance of freezing, 22% of starving, aaand 6% of actually getting out.**_ _So, barring a serious amount of good luck… yes, Merry. Yes, we are."_

A sigh. " _That's what I thought."_

" _ALRIGHT, LISTEN YOU TWO—!"_

The eagle chose that moment to fly away. Or maybe it just didn't want to stick around in the blizzard any longer than it had to.

[…And now I remember the reason why we don't often _mind_ sucking it up and waiting on the Straw Hats,] First Mate remarked.

 **-o-**

"Well, at least Chopper's doing alright, right? …right?"

Dr. Kureha wasn't scowling, but nor was she smirking, and that made Dalton want to jump out of his fur. He had enough composure to hide the fear, particularly after his extended exposure to the doctor. Though the non-zero percent chance the physician could smell fear played a part as well.

"He's doing all right, certainly," she said at last, prompting Dalton to relax a smidgen. "But that's not particularly comforting at the moment. Honestly, Dalton, they've been struggling for their lives against mutated animals in a floating archipelago for the past week. Try to be a little less insensitive, would you?"

Dalton _would_ have responded to that, were it not for a large paw clamping down over his mouth. The president of the Sakura Kingdom shot the doctor's assistant a grateful look for the save, which the lapahn responded to with a soft grunt of acknowledgement. The bison-man turned back to the screen, which was heading back towards a jungle climate. All present wondered if they were heading back to the first group to start the pattern over.

Instead, the eagle soared over to a volcano with a lake in its crater, and not far from it, a large trench that ended within the forest. And at the end of that…

"So, that's the Thousand Sunny," Kureha said, sounding genuinely impressed. "And it's in the same area as the loudmouths and the captain. Well, looks like fortune is still smiling on them. But why's the bird heading there now?"

[BEAT IT, YOU FEATHERY BASTARD! I'LL USE YOUR WINGS TO DUST THE DAMN PANTRY!]

"There we go," Dalton nodded sagely as the bird hastily banked _away_ from the angry barking. "The Straw Hats are as lucky as ever: one of the dugongs managed to stay behind. The… girl, I believe? Raphey?"

"Yeah, that's the one," Kureha nodded in confirmation.

And indeed it was. The pink-bandanna'd dugong was standing on the ship's railing, shaking an oversized shuriken at the bird, the bird quite disinclined to press the matter. It circled around, not coming any closer, leaving the dugong to snort before turning her attention back… to…

"What," Kureha and Dalton deadpanned.

To a pink-haired gothic lolita with a slight tan sprawled out on a lounge chair, apparently out cold, whose face Raphey was in the process of rubbing clean with a wet cloth.

"…They mentioned this on Thriller Bark…" said Kureha, slowly. "Perona. She stuck around with the Straw Hats after the fact?"

"Well, they kept Nico Robin on," Dalton reasoned. "And at least it looks like they're friends or close to it, right?"

On-screen Raphey finished her work, and nodded firmly. She then uncapped a marker and went to work on the recently cleaned face, grumbling audibly. As Dalton kneaded the bridge of his nose, Kureha looked to her assistant, who began signing out the dugong's growling:

{I _want_ to go out and get some action in, but I'm the last guard on the ship,} she muttered. {And of course, Boss will hand me my shell on a platter if I shirk my duty. So, here I am, reduced to experimenting with graffiti on our unconscious 'guest' until someone else shows up… next lion I see is going to get carved in half.}

She paused in her grumbling as a subtle growl came across the connection, and coughed awkwardly. {No offense meant, Sunny.}

Apparently that was enough for the bird, as it chose to wheel up and away from the ship and start flapping away, towards the largest island that lorded over all the archipelago.

"That was all of the Straw Hats, wasn't it?" Dalton asked his surgeon general, while absently counting down on his fingers.

"No, we're still missing two people," Kureha answered, scowling. "Their navigator… and the _raging bastard_ who separated them all in the first place."

 **-o-**

"Nami's _alone_ in that floating purgatory?!" Genzo raged, his sword rattling in his sheath from how hard he was gripping it.

"In all fairness, she isn't the same sneak-thief who left us so long ago…" Nojiko tried, though the real measure of her faith was the teeth gnawing at her knuckles.

"Well, I mean, the bird's probably heading her way now, right?" Chabo posed with more confidence.

Said confidence faltered when the eagle broke through a cloudbank to behold a massively ornate complex perched upon the summit of the archipelago.

Nojiko's teeth broke her skin. "Alright, my little sister is being held alone in the main base of one of the most infamous pirates in history. This officially _cannot_ get any worse," she growled around her knuckle.

Before the village's tense, watchful eyes, the eagle swung through the snow-bound ramparts of the compound, displaying a number of ornate lions and _far_ too many well-armed soldiers for comfort.

Finally, the visual-snail's gaze fell upon what appeared to be a greenhouse built into the side of one of the buildings, and the eagle soared towards it. The avian alighted on a specific panel, which swung inward and allowed it to land in the rafters. Which, judging from the large nests, scattered feathers, and handful of other eagles present, was the aviary. The eagle pecked at its chest, and the view suddenly changed to a rapidly shifting array of colors as the harness spiraled down. Nojiko and Genzo barely managed to keep their eyes open through it while the rest of the village had to look away. When it finally subsided, the snail seemed to have settled on a lawn chair next to a swimming pool… where a very familiar figure was emerging, clad in a dripping-wet string bikini.

"…I am _so_ conflicted," Genzo groaned, grinding his palm into his forehead. "She's safe, that's good. She's not in chains, that's even better. _But she's half-naked for the whole damn world to see, which almost makes me wish she_ was _in critical condition!"_

Despite herself, Nojiko couldn't help but laugh, though it was mostly due to the dual relief of her sister being alright, _and_ the fact that Nami had a trio of metal batons in a holster strapped to her thigh. Wherever Nami was, she might have been alone, but she _wasn't_ defenseless.

Said laughter redoubled when Nami paused in toweling herself off and shot an acrid glare at the snail. Reaching down, she threw her towel over the gastropod's carrying case. " _You wanna see something, look at that. Bastards."_

"Thank goodness, she's safe _and_ still fighting," Nojiko sighed in relief.

"'Course she is, you two are Bellemere's girls," Doctor Nako snorted. "No way either of you could ever be anything less than hard as nails."

Nojiko smiled at the compliment, but before she could respond-

" _Awww, no, let the assholes have their show. These creeps haven't seen a real woman in who knows how long, remember?"_

A shockingly familiar voice left a stunned Nojiko and Genzo gaping in shock at each other.

"Was that—?" Nojiko began.

The answer was given when the visual snail knocked itself against the side of its case, dislodging the towel and showing the world that Perona was floating upside down and over Nami, her arms folded behind her head.

"How the hell—!?" Genzo started to demand.

"Cross… _did_ say she had some kind of ghost Devil Fruit, right?" Nojiko offered. "Though why she's with Nami…"

" _Perona."_ Nami casually looked up at Perona. " _Any luck?"_

The ghost-girl scowled, huffed, and flipped herself into a sitting position. " _Same as yesterday: none. They've got this place locked down tight and all corridors watched._ That _little pest-"_ Here Perona pointed at the world's viewpoint. " _Has a lot of family backing it up. Sorry."_

" _Mmph, not your fault…"_ Nami began to pick up her clothes, but stopped with a shirt held halfway up. She then shot a doubtful look up at the ghost girl. " _Perona… I know I've said this before, but I've got to say it again: you don't_ have _to stay here. This isn't your fight."_

"Wow, _she's_ being generous?" Chabo said in surprise. "I'd say when pigs fly, but we've already seen that happe— _OWOWOW!"_

"Got anything else you want to say about my sister, you little brat!?" Nojiko asked as she ground her knuckles into the sides of the boy's skull.

The astral girl huffed out a breath. " _And I've already told_ you—!"

 _ **PA-DA-DA-DAAAA!**_

Everyone jumped and both Perona and Nami grimaced at the blast of brass music that suddenly came out of nowhere.

" _Oh,_ God, _not again…"_ the spectre growled, clawing her fingers down her face.

Nami, meanwhile, just sighed, shook her head, and finished drying her hair before slipping the shirt on.

Once the clothing was on, the two turned toward the other side of the room, where three silhouettes were visible behind a screen. As the initial fanfare died down and an upbeat song began, the screen flopped down, and three figures were revealed: a gorilla—yes, _gorilla_ —clad in red and pink; a clown-like man in a lab coat with blue hair; and a grinning man with a mane of golden hair, part of a steering wheel protruding from his skull, and swords serving as his legs from the knees down.

And they were all _dancing._

"And _there_ is how it could get worse. They're the _moronic_ sort of pirates," Genzo snarled.

The routine lasted for a solid half minute, ending with a dramatic pose towards Nami. The navigator gave the trio a scathing look before looking away. " _The clown missed a step three seconds in and was off-sync for the rest of it."_

" _He_ wha—DR. INDIGO, YOU MORON!" the sword-legged man roared, naked terror flashing across the clown's face as the larger man lunged for his throat. "WE'VE PRACTICED THAT ROUTINE A HUNDRED TIMES, HOW IS IT THAT SOMEONE WHO _NEVER_ DID IT BEFORE DID IT BETTER… than…" The wheel-head shot an acrid glare over his shoulder at an unrepentant Nami. " _You're just screwing with me, aren't you?"_

" _Br-r-r-r-_ illiant _deduction,_ _genius,"_ Perona drawled.

Glowering, the man released the clown, who began gasping for breath.

"… _Sorry,"_ the wheel-head muttered.

" _N-No problem, Captain,"_ Indigo choked out, forcing a grin. " _F-Far be it for me to take offense over a good joke."_

Nodding, the identified captain turned back to Nami, schooling his expression into a grin that was clearly meant to be warm but only came across as sleazy.

" _Come now, baby girl,"_ he crooned, stalking towards her. He barely got a foot before a rumble of thunder made him visibly reconsider the move, the storminess of Nami's Eisen cloud mirrored in her face.

Genzo blinked in surprise. "Wow, didn't even see her draw."

" _Touch me, and I will turn your wrinkly hide into_ charcoal," Nami acridly stated.

The captain backed off with a semi-impressed snort. The gorilla, on the other hand, outright roared at her, inches away from pouncing into a very electric situation.

" _Scarlet, control yourself!"_ Indigo chided with a hard chop on the ape's neck. The harlequin didn't flinch when the gorilla turned on him, and instead calmly proffered it a banana. " _Here, eat this instead. You get angry when you're hungry."_

" _OOK!"_ Scarlet grunted happily and grabbed the banana before messily chowing down on the fruit.

"I thought monkeys were supposed to eat meat," said one of the child villagers.

"Not actually a monkey. And that place ain't exactly what I'd call a bastion of natural evolution anyway," Doctor Nako pointed out.

" _Upped Scarlet's dosage again, Doctor?"_ the wheel-headed man grunted inquisitively.

" _Indeed, and with most spectacular results!"_ Indigo gave his boss a thumbs-up and a smile that had _far_ too many teeth. " _Ever since I started injecting the serum into bananas and feeding him with as many as I could, Scarlet's aggression has tripled! Ah, yes, on a related matter, Captain, I require some men to come to my lab and help me dispose of… ah… er…"_

" _A body?"_ Nami dryly provided.

The clown tilted his head thoughtfully. "… _I suppose that bodies do indeed compose a significant fraction of the mass, yes… Let me put it to you this way: they will require mops."_

"And there go my last reservations about Nami having a bounty that large," Genzo muttered. "Thank the heavens that she's grown so strong."

Meanwhile, the captain shook his head indulgently and refocused on Nami, who met his gaze with a frigid glare. " _Aaaaanyway… the reason I'm here is the same as always, babygirl: to give you yet another chance to do the right thing and join my crew. You know…"_ The man's grin widened around his cigar. " _A crew that can_ properly _make use of your talents?"_

Nojiko flushed with rage, Arlong's evil grin flashing in her mind's eye.

Apparently Nami had the same feeling, her demeanor becoming positively _glacial_ as she scowled at the lion-like man. " _Word to the wise, the last bastard who used that wording got buried in his own castle. And my answer's the same one I've been giving all last week:_ piss off." And with that, she wheeled around and marched off, Perona floating alongside her and flipping the wheel-man off as she went.

The captain wasn't deterred in the least, however, as shown when he puffed out his chest. " _Awww, don't be like that, baby girl! Here, lemme sweeten the deal for you with a little insider info: whenever anyone joins my crew? I give them_ one _wish I accomplish without fail…"_ His grin widened menacingly. " _And I_ never _go back on my word."_

"There's no way she'll believe that again," said several people in the village.

Apparently that was a sentiment Perona shared, as she sneered viciously at the large man. " _What part of 'go choke on your own ego' don't you get, you putrid—!?"_

" _You mean it?"_

Perona twitched in place and shot a disbelieving look back at Nami, who'd stopped dead. " _Nami, what—!?"_

" _If I join,"_ Nami said slowly, still looking away from the man. " _You'll fulfill my wish, no matter what it is?"_

" _But of course,"_ the man sneered.

"Don't do it, sis," Nojiko hissed.

"… _Fulfill my wish first and then I'll join,"_ Nami tersely said. " _And don't worry, it's an easy one."_

" _Deal!"_ the lion-man barked proudly. " _What is it?"_

The orange-haired navigator turned and displayed an utterly innocent smile that froze the blood of everyone watching.

"Oh, crap," Nojiko, Genzo, and Perona uttered in synch for an _entirely_ different reason than before.

" _Kill yourself,"_ Nami politely requested.

For a good four seconds, the only sound was the quiet lapping of the swimming pool. And then...

" _JIIIHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_ the captain laughed hysterically. That lasted for exactly eight seconds. Then he literally flew forward, his right hand closing around her neck.

"NAMI!" Nojiko cried. Genzo would have been right there with her, if not for Nako tackling him and ramming a needle into his neck, putting him out like a light.

" _Alright, listen here,_ baby—!" the captain started to growl before cutting himself off when he saw Nami's eyes. Saw the way the she was glaring defiantly at him, even as she struggled in his grip. "… _You really_ aren't _afraid of me, are you?"_

" _I… grew up… with evil… and I've… faced death… with a_ smile," Nami wheezed out in a biting tone. " _You're… nothing… new…"_

The captain frowned at that, and then he released her, letting her drop to the ground and get her breath back.

" _I underestimated you,"_ he admitted, a note of respect in his voice. But it was gone when he spoke again. " _But you'll change your tune sooner or later…_ Miss Navigator. _You'll change it soon enough. After all…"_ He sneered and lifted his chin. " _Nobody_ _denies Golden Lion Shiki._ Nobody."

Unaware that her entire village was experiencing a substantial increase of respect for her, something none of them had thought possible, Nami maintained her glare until the legendary pirate and his lackeys turned their attention away from her.

Perona immediately took advantage of the diverted attention, swooping down to Nami's side with a concerned look on her face. " _You alright?"_

" _I'll be better once this place has burned to the ground,"_ Nami coughed, wincing and rubbing her throat. Her expression then turned melancholy as she turned to the frost-encrusted windows. " _And… once I see my friends again…"_

"Nami…" Genzo wheezed out through his drug-induced haze.

"This is even worse than her being in chains…" Nojiko shook her head mournfully. "This can't be happening… the Straw Hats have had bad luck before, but they've never gone a whole _week_ without the situation improving!"

 **-ONE WEEK AGO-**

… **Sorry, loyal readers. That's where we leave off for now. We'll have the next installment as soon as we can.**


	63. Chapter 56 - Strong World Pt 2

**-ONE WEEK PRIOR-**

"The Thousand Sunny is directly beneath us, Captain."

"Excellent," drawled Shiki at the report from one of his navigators, turning his gaze to the screen. "Feh. A bunch of rookies from the East Blue, of all places, becoming the most infamous crew in the world? The Navy has definitely gone to the dogs." A malevolent grin spread over his face. "But all of that's about to change. It's time—hmm?"

Shiki frowned at the image of Straw Hat Luffy on the viewscreen, which was eagerly waving up at him. For a moment, he considered this sight, and then with a flick of his wrist lowered the island ship enough that he was within the range of their snail. It was only just that he, of all pirates, give condemned men a final meal before their execution, no?

"Yeeesss?" he drawled.

" _A cyclone is coming. Turn your ship ninety degrees to port,"_ a female voice ordered.

Shiki blinked in surprise, then turned his gaze down to the navigation pit below him. "Navigator?" he asked.

"No, sir, our readings detect no such thing," one researcher said apologetically.

"The readings on the barometer are normal as well," another said, donning a smug expression. "I'm afraid their navigator is grossly mistaken."

" _You actually think that's even possible?"_ a lazy yet threatening voice grunted in response. " _You morons don't have a witch reading the air. But hey, if you want to die, we won't stop you. Have fun with that."_

"Sir, they're turning their ship to nine o'clock!" another of the meteorologists called out.

"A-AND I SEE WHY! SIR, WE'VE GOT INCOMING!" one of the soldiers on deck cried out in terror.

"IT'S COMING IN FAST!"

Shiki turned his eyes to the front of his ship, and he gaped in surprise. "A beehive wig?!"

"THAT'S A WATERSPOUT!" Dr. Indigo snapped, slapping his captain upside the head.

 **-o-**

" _They've gone out of my range,"_ Soundbite informed us, his gaze on the _floating island-battleship_ above us.

"But they _are_ turning to follow us, so at least they're not _that_ stupid," Nami sighed in relief.

"I'd hope not, especially considering what they're sailing on!" Merry called down as she wrestled with Sunny's helm.

Usopp's reaction to _that_ little tidbit was fairly representative. "Wait, that thing's _actually_ a ship!?" he yelped in shock.

"Oh, yeah, nothing like Thriller Bark!" Merry confirmed. "The core might have once been an island, but it's all ship now. And she is old, proud, and powerful. Really, _really_ powerful." Then she winced. "And really loud, too. She really likes being in charge and making sure everyone knows it, apparently."

I frowned thoughtfully while I wrestled with a particularly stubborn line. "And… does that tell you anything about who's running it?"

Merry tilted her head to the side with an uncertain frown. "Mmrgh… maybe, maybe not… A ship's attitude speaks to itself, its builder and its original crew, with influences from all who come after, but…" She shook her head remorsefully. "Sorry, she's too far to ask, and even then, somebody as grand and proud as that won't consider talking to a caravel or a barque like Big Bro. That's all I got."

"So, be wary if they don't just fly off," Sanji summarized, snorting derisively. "Which, considering the last guy we met who had a flying ship, is pretty obvious."

"That's for _later_ if we don't sink to the damn ocean floor! For now, cyclone at 3 o'clock!" Nami roared at us over the now-howling winds.

"CYCLONE AT 3, AYE!" Merry barked in response, hastily yanking the wheel. "SOMEONE GET AHOLD OF THE MAINSAIL, WOULD YOU!?"

"I'LL GET RIGHT— _ARGH!—_ ON IT!" I yelped, grabbing the line in question. Said line immediately tried to tug me off my feet, and I threw a pleading look around. "COULD I GET SOME HELP HERE?" Then, my gaze sharpened as I realized a _very_ important discrepancy. "AND WHERE THE HELL'S PERONA!?"

"With you in spirit~," her astral form sang as it floated past, upside down without a care in the world, tongue stuck out in a way that would have been cute if I wasn't fighting for my life at the moment. "Isn't that enough?"

"I would prefer to have you in _BODY!"_ The last word was emphasized both on account of my spiking temper _and_ the pulley that suddenly tore itself free that I had to duck…

 _THWACK!_

" _AGH!"_

Though Mikey was less lucky. Still, better a Dugong overboard than a man or hammer.

"And what good would that do, exactly?" Perona asked, half her attention on her fingernails. "My seafaring amounts to the unnatural calm of the Florian Triangle and the rigging and sails of Thriller Bark, and _I_ never handled that. You can rage at me all you want, but if I actually tried to help you, I'd just be getting in the way. So of course you forgive me, _riiight?_ " She capped it all off with a bat of her eyelashes.

"Does _this_ answer your question?" I snarled, working a hand free to shot her a specific gesture. The quarrel might have gone on longer had Nami's voice not cracked through.

"Cross, less argument, more movement! And Perona!" She swung around and snarled, paralyzing the smirking spectre. "If you don't have anything good to do while we're in a storm like this, _stay out of the way!"_

Perona huffed, but returned to silently floating above our heads, while I returned to manning the line, Mikey giving me a hand—er, flipper with it once he got back.

Despite how routine it had become for our crew to go to war against the elements of the Grand Line, combating the ocean's spontaneous meteorological blitz never became any less demanding; lesser crews would have sunk within moments, and I suspect that even some of the more experienced pros in the ocean would have had trouble.

But with the combined might of our camaraderie and Nami's nigh-upon divine instinct for all things meteorological, we managed to pull through.

Once the storm passed, we were all left exhausted and sprawled bonelessly across the deck. But we were alive, and that was what mattered. Though there _was_ something else…

Namely, the island still hanging impossibly high above our heads. "They're still not coming back down?" Luffy said, his head tilted in confusion.

"Maybe they realized Soundbite was down here and didn't want anything to do with him," Usopp snidely suggested.

" _ **LICK MY SLIMY ASS!"**_

"That's… actually probably not that far off," Conis pointed out.

Slowly, Soundbite turned his eyestalks on her, visibly twitching. " _Et tu,_ **boom babe?!"**

"Well, you _do_ have an incredibly large range for eavesdropping," the Skypiean hastily explained. "And while _we_ might be used to it and others ignore it, maybe whoever's up there just appreciates their privacy?"

" _Privacy,_ _ **SHMIVA—eh?**_ **UH-OH,** _MAN—! OVER…_ _ **uh…"**_ Soundbite's exclamation trailed off into a shocked gurgle. "C-CORRECTION! _**INCOMING!"**_

All eyes turned upward, and then the majority of our jaws fell in the opposite direction. There was indeed a man coming down, but it looked far too controlled to be free-fall.

"He's flying?!" Luffy exclaimed.

"Devil Fruit," several people said, though that didn't diminish the shock or awe.

As the man came closer, his form became clearer, and he was one of the more eccentric characters we'd met on the Grand Line thus far: his messy golden hair extended down to his knees and parted around what looked like part of a steering wheel lodged in his skull, and he had swords for legs from the knees down. He was also grinning and smoking a cigar, easily the most mundane parts of his appearance.

Of course, that wasn't what had jaws dropping all around deck. This close, it was very clear that his descent was controlled, and the moment that he landed on the pavilion's roof…

" _ **PA-DA-DA-DAAAA!"**_

A brass fanfare blared out from Soundbite's direction, prompting just about the entire crew to jump out of their skins. The unknown pirate, for his part, briefly looked surprised, and then, out of the crazy blue hell, he began _dancing,_ of all things.

… and then Franky and Chopper (in Heavy Point) jumped onto the pavilion and began dancing right beside him, because _why the hell not_.

Quite frankly, I wasn't sure how to react as the music played and two of our crew commenced a dance number alongside this stranger that fell from the sky, moving in perfect sync and stepping down flawlessly from their impromptu stage, continuing the dance until the soundtrack finished off and they ended with mirroring poses.

After a moment, the applause started.

"So this is what it's like to be on the outside of that…" I muttered to Robin.

"Then I suppose I won't have need to hold back the next time you pull such a stunt, hm?" she hummed 'innocently'.

I had a retort for that, I honestly did, but a sudden interruption made sure it would stay unsaid. "JIIHAHAHAHAHA!" the strange pirate laughed joyfully as he hopped down onto the deck, a strong hint of Jamaica in his voice.

"Jiihahaha… that was impressive. How did you know that song, little snail?"

Soundbite shrugged, still grinning ear to ear. "NO CLUE! _I hear a lot,_ _ **and when you touched down,**_ **something just clicked. IT JUST FELT RIGHT!"**

"Happens more often than you'd think… for better or, more often, worse," I sighed mournfully.

"JIIHAHAHAHA!" he laughed again. "I knew I was getting into _something_ when I decided to come meet the famous Straw Hat Pirates in person, but I never expected _that."_

He paused, looked over the crew, and he opened his mouth to speak again.

"I want his legs."

Then all eyes turned toward Leo, who clapped a flipper to his mouth, apparently not meaning to say that out loud.

"I love this day. Anyone else love this day?" Mikey breathed reverentially, his muzzle stuck in a positively shit-eating grin.

"Yuuup~!" Donny and Raphey both sighed rapturously.

"Jihahahahaha," the man chuckled, extending his legs forward to give a better view of the double-edged swords. "You've got a good eye, dugong. Oto and Kogarashi are famous blades that have fought well with me for decades. I used to wield them normally, but you can't be an old pirate without sacrificing a few things along the way. Ahh, but don't be fooled!" The man's grin widened proudly. "Just because I'm wielding them in a non-traditional manner doesn't mean I can't _use_ them in the proper fashion! Observe!"

Putting up his fists in a boxing stance, the man lifted one sword-foot and let loose a few side kicks. Kicks that blurred from sight, and were accompanied by a metallic whistling sound. Eyes widened or sparkled all-around at the sight.

But he wasn't done yet. Bringing his sword-foot down again, the man lifted the other and then spun a roundhouse kick… and then ended up spinning on his sword tip, shaving grass from the deck and leaving him dizzy, wobbling, and then on the deck once he stopped.

I couldn't help but chuckle as I held out a hand to the old man. "I'd make a crack about sea legs, but I'm guessing it'd be in bad taste?"

"Jihaha!" our guest laughed, taking my hand to pull himself up, clapping me on the shoulder as he went. "You're about twenty years too late, my friend. But you do have the gist of it: when you're capable of traversing the heavens like me, it can be a bit of a chore to get used to being back on the ground. Ah, but anyway, getting back on task!"

He stood tall and raised his head proudly. "I obviously know who all of you are, so allow me to introduce myself. Captain Shiki 'The Golden Lion', a fellow pirate! Now, then, first things first! I believe the one who warned me and my crew about that cyclone was your crew's navigator, Nami, yes? Which one of you lovely ladies might that be?"

"That would be me," Nami said, raising her hand.

"Ah. So I have you to thank, baby doll," he drawled.

The air around our navigator immediately rumbled and began to smell of ozone.

"Watch it, old man," Nami warned him in an irritated tone. A good chunk of the guys standing behind her immediately started chopping their hands across their throats. Shiki chuckled again, raising his hands in mock surrender.

"Too far?" Everyone not in Nami's line of view nodded frantically. "Well, either way, thank you for the warning."

Nami narrowed her eyes suspiciously, but she let her clouds fade back to white with a dismissive grunt.

"Ah, moving on, could we address the elephant in the room?" Vivi asked.

"Hello, Funkfreed," half the crew deadpanned politely. Yeah, we'd worn _that_ phrase out damn quick.

"I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE FLYING ISLAND-SHIP!" Vivi snapped, jabbing her finger at the structure in question.

The elephant-sword dropped his head mock-mournfully. "Nobody ever wants to talk to Funkfreed…"

"Can't imagine why! Hwee hwee hwe—!" _THWACK!_ "YIPE!"

"Ah, well, you see—GAH!" Shiki reeled in surprise as he looked up, and the reason became clear when Perona, already floating between the wheel-headed man and his flying ship, flew down a bit.

The ghostly goth glanced up from her pointless nail filing, apathy written all over her face. "Can I help you?"

"M-M-My fairy godmother?!" he exclaimed.

An awkward silence fell in which some of the crew visibly considered dope-slapping the older pirate. I should know, I was one of them.

"…No," Perona said blandly, before disappearing back into the crow's nest.

"Damn, that would have been convenient," the lion-man snapped his fingers with a tsk.

"…Aaaanyway," Carue coughed into his wing. "Didn't we alweady say it was fwying because of a Devil Fwuit?"

"A-Ah, yes. The Float-Float Fruit, to be precise," Shiki explained, his composure returning as he stepped towards a barbell that Zoro had discarded on the deck. "I can manipulate the gravity of any object I touch, no matter how large or small. I'll give you an example."

He touched the weight, straightened, and then gestured.

Living on the Grand Line, you see a lot of things flying through the air, typically because of some storm or other tossing everything not tied down this way and that. But usually, a _fifty-pound barbell_ wasn't on that list of items, and it most _definitely_ never just floated through the air like some sort of soap bubble!

"Wow," Conis breathed in awe, pushing at the barbell with a finger and causing it to spin lazily before looking up at the ship. "And you can levitate something that big… constantly?"

"Not even that hard, angel!" Shiki replied. "I don't need to 'levitate it' at all! Once I tell something to float, it floats until I _tell it_ to stop floating! Doesn't matter if it's a pebble or a mountain; if I'm involved, it doesn't fall without my permission!"

"Th-That, that's really…" Usopp gagged in shock.

"That's how those kind of Paramecia work," I spoke up, drawing everyone's attention. "From what I can tell, with any fruit that deals with manipulating things, they only wear off when the user wills it or gets knocked out. Though…" I turned back to Shiki. "To manipulate that much mass _is_ impressive. I'm guessing that required a lot of practice to pull off."

"Naturally," Shiki responded with a grin. "But I'm no rookie pirate, Jeremiah Cross. I may have spent the last two decades in hiding since my last grand hurrah, but I've been on these seas since the days of the late King of the Pirates. Why…" His grin widened to display incredible pride. "I'll have you know I even traded blows with Roger more than once!"

My eyes shot wide in shock. "Holy— _seriously!?"_

"Ooooh yes!" Shiki nodded. "If you think Whitebeard was the only one to come out of that era, you're nuts. Now, granted, I didn't exactly come out of it—" He tapped one of his 'legs' in the lawn. "Unscathed, but I still got out, and in the pirate world, that's good enough for me!" He then glanced at the rest of the crew. "You may now lavish me with praise, if you so wish."

The Kiddie Trio and TDWS promptly complied. "SO COOL!" Heck, most of the crew looked decidedly impressed with the man.

"My, to think we would encounter such a famous pirate…" Robin muttered in awe.

"You've heard of him?" I inquired with a cocked eyebrow.

Robin's response was to give me a flat look. "Unfortunately, no. I was… _otherwise occupied_ twenty years ago, as you'll recall." I hastily glanced away with a sheepish cough. "And meanwhile, I believe I should be saying the same to you, no?"

"Ehh…" I tapped my temple, but I quickly had to admit defeat. "I… _think_ I remember something about him? Maybe? Best I've got is that he's telling the truth about knowing Roger. He wasn't… front and center, if you get my point?"

"Either way, it takes a special kind of strength to lose a leg and keep going strong, let alone two legs," Sanji said, looking with grim admiration at the stumps where the swords were lodged. "Though I guess it's not _that_ big of a deal if he can fly."

"Um…" Conis spoke up tentatively, raising a hand. "If you met the Roger Pirates… is there any chance you might have met my mother, Serra?"

The cheering stopped and Shiki's face snapped into a more serious expression the next moment, all of his attention upon Conis.

"S-Sorry, it's just…" Under Shiki's intense gaze, our gunner nervously glanced aside. "I don't remember that much of her, and I only just learned that she was a member of his crew, so… i-if you know anything, would you… well, mind…"

For a long moment, Shiki was silent, and then he looked away with a heavy, smoke-filled sigh.

"…Roger had no shortage of respect from me, but I was not friends with the man," Shiki said, raising a hand to his skull beside the steering wheel. "This was the result of my last clash with him."

An uncomfortable silence fell, but a smirk grew on Shiki's face. "That said, even with the abnormal being normal on this ocean, it's hard to forget a Sky Island native. The finer details escape me, but I distinctly remember how she fought. She was a pillar of strength, she possessed a bottomless stockpile of artifices to employ, and she _never_ backed down…" The lion-man winced and rubbed her jaw. "And now that I think about it, she had freakish good aim with a bottle of rum, too."

Conis rubbed the back of her head, and a few others on the crew snickered, but she smiled gratefully. "Thank you, sir."

Shiki raised his chin with a wide grin that had a hint of… something in it? I 'unno. "Happy to help! Anything for a child of Roger's crew!" he boasted.

"Well, in that case, how about something for the kit of a pet of a member of Roger's crew, eh?" Su piped up in her characteristically impish tone, most of us bracing for snark. "If you can make anything fly, think you could take Carue for a spin? Ya know, make him into a _real_ duck? Tseeheeheeheehee!"

"Ah, shaddap, Su," Carue squawked, rolling his eyes. Then, with a frown, he looked back at Shiki. "Though aye wouldn't say 'no'…"

"Jiihahaha! No can do, it doesn't work on animals!" Shiki replied, waving his hand. "I can make myself float, but that's about it."

"That's _awesome!"_ Luffy gasped, eyes sparkling. And then they lit up in an entirely _different_ light. "Oh, oh! I know, make me fly! I wanna fly!"

"Yeah! Yeah!" Usopp and Chopper eagerly agreed.

Shiki belted out a deep belly-laugh. "Sorry, my friends, but that includes humans."

"Oh." Luffy's expression promptly dropped into a sulky pout. "In that case, that's lame."

"Boo, boo," Usopp and Chopper chorused in agreement.

"Sorry to disappoint," Shiki said, taking a seat at the pavilion. "But there are sights in my hideout that I think you'd enjoy." His smile faded, and he looked to Luffy. "I might offer to take you there as a sign of my gratitude, but I feel as though it may be better served another way. From what I've heard on your show, you all are from the East Blue, yes? I hate to inform you of this, but recent scuttlebutt has said that the Navy is mobilizing to deal with a mysterious threat in your native ocean. It sounds like your homes are in deep trouble."

Aaaand that killed the mood right dead.

"We're aware," I nodded solemnly. "We had just decided to set a course back there when you came along."

"'Zat so?" the pirate said, raising a brow. "So close to the halfway point, and you're turning back now?"

Luffy lowered his hat over his eyes and smiled in the way he only did when he was about to say something wise.

"The adventure and the One Piece aren't going anywhere," he said confidently. "We made it this far once, we can do it again. It's not like we can just keep going when we know that our homes are in danger like that."

"…Quite impressive," Shiki said quietly, getting to his… er, supports. Then he raised his head with his grin as strong as ever. "That settles it, then! You saved my home, and so it is only right that I return the favor!" The man tapped one of his blades in the grass. "I'll use my Float powers to take you there. It'll be easy, I've been using the trick to avoid the Marines even before I went into hiding. And it'll be faster than whatever plan you had."

"Seriously? Awesome!" Luffy pumped his fists with a cheer, an emotion that was shared throughout our crew.

Shiki chuckled at our rejoicing, and I noticed some of the crew stiffen a bit at the twinkle of mischief that entered his eyes. And for good reason, seeing as I myself took a reflexive step back. "That said, I do have one condition for doing this. And before you say anything!" A raised hand, and our objections died in our throats. "I honestly doubt you'll mind."

He turned toward me, his grin growing. "I've been out of the world's spotlight for almost twenty years now. Two whole decades! And in my eyes that… is just not right. If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to speak to the world! Anonymously, sadly, I'm not quite ready for the Marines to come after me yet and I don't want them to know where my base is, but…" Shiki let out a despondent sigh. "I just want to say _something,_ after these many long years. Is there any way that could be possible?"

I blinked in surprise… and then my partner and I slowly adopted our trademark Marines-are-about-to-have-a-bad-day grins. "I think," I chuckled, patting a hand on the weapon of mass-anarchy hanging at my side. "That that can be arranged."

"THEN WE HAVE AN ACCORD!" Shiki bellowed in a most grandiose tone, sweeping a hand skyward. "LET US BE OFF!"

And with that, the Thousand Sunny creaked, and shuddered, and then with one almighty lurch the ship went still. Utterly, impossibly still, outside the services of a drydock. Immediately, everyone dashed to the side, myself included, and stared down at the blue sea. The blue sea that we were rapidly rising from, as Sunny flew in a manner that not even Merry had managed to achieve.

I stared down at the sea falling away below us in awe for a second longer before shooting a grin at my partner-in-shell.

"Soundbite, old buddy," I said with an eager grin. "I think that we're in for one of our most glorious adventures yet!"

 **-o-**

" _Don don don don! Don don don don!"_

"Guuuugh…"

One of the four strongest pirates alive groaned piteously, sitting up despite the Sea King rampaging in his skull. "How the hell does that big-mouth brat _always_ manage to time his show to when I'm most hungover?!"

"Because you're always hungover, Captain," Beckmann deadpanned.

Shanks blinked dumbly. "I am not!" he protested after a moment.

"Right, sorry. You're only _usually_ hungover," Benn revised, still dry as dust.

"Damn straight, now someone pick that up!" Red-Haired Shanks ordered. "And get me some vodka!"

"You sure you wanna do that, cap'n?" Yasopp called. Behind him Roo took aim at their snail with a well-aimed Sea King bone. "Every time you drink while Cross is talking, you just spit it back up three seconds later!"

Shanks' _ever_ so mature response was to transfer the weight of the bottle to his jaw so he could perform the ever-important task of flipping his sniper off _and_ keep drinking. One of the first tricks he'd learned after becoming handicapped and he hadn't once regretted it.

When they dislodged the snail, the song coming across the connection was an upbeat tune with thumping percussion, blaring horns, and an odd sound similar to a guitar. Lyrics emerged after a few seconds.

" _ **SONO CHI NO SADAME!…JOOOOOOO-JO!"**_

"…'The fate of that blood'? Is this some kind of epic ballad or something?" Yasopp wondered.

"Couldn't be," Rockstar shook his head. "No way that someone named 'Jojo' could be that impressive."

" _And that was Sono Chi no Sadame, by… well, someone you'll all never meet anyways,"_ came Cross's voice. " _I'll talk more about that another time; for now…"_ The anarchist's expression slowly twisted into an absolutely vicious grin. " _Welcome back to the SBS."_

' _Oh crap'_ was the reaction of most of the Red-Haired Pirates'. Their captain, meanwhile…

"PFFFT! GAH, DAMMIT!" Shanks roared indignantly, vodka dripping from his chin. "THAT'S IT! WHEN LUFFY HOPS THE LINE, I'M GOING TO BE THERE TO MEET HIM JUST SO THAT I CAN GIVE THAT BRAT A PIECE OF MY MIND! AND A PIECE OF MY FOOT UP HIS—!"

" _ **HA!"**_

A sudden bark of laughter cut through Shanks' rage.

" _YOU THOUGHT IT WAS_ CROSS WHO STARTED THE SBS!" the trademark bevy of voices cackled. " _ **BUT IT WAS ME, DIO—er, SOUNDBITE!"**_

" _YOU SLIMY LITTLE SON OF A… pffhehehe. Alright, fine, that was a good one,"_ Cross admitted.

"…Oh yeah. Come hellfire or high tide, we're meeting them when they surface in the New World, and I am going to have _words_ with the Voices of Anarchy," Shanks glowered, sitting back down and _chugging_ the bottle.

"Does it technically count if it was in his voice?" Benn asked, frowning.

Shanks twitched at the thought before snapping his fingers at Rockstar. "The Wano Reserve we filched off of one of Kaido's boats. _Now."_

The rookie got up and began sorting through the bottles that littered the beach, grumbling all the while. When he walked by Roo, though, he stopped and shot the other pirate a curious look. "Hey, mind if I ask you something? _Besides_ that first question, I mean."

"Spoilsport…" Roo grumbled into his fresh hunk of meat. "But yeah, go ahead."

"How come the captain's always like… well…" Rockstar nodded his head at Shanks. "I mean, he's one of the Four freaking Emperors! I'm not saying he should be another monster like the fatass or the beast, but—!"

"Why ain't he more respectable like the old man?" Roo finished, smirking. "Easy, really. Think about it: The Cap'n is one of the most powerful, most infamous pirates in the whole wide world. One of the four people in the world that the World Government absolutely, totally, completely can't control. One of the closest things they have to equals. And he acts like…"

Roo flailed his hands about, trying to find the words, prompting Rockstar to nod in understanding.

"Well, you know what he acts like. And you know what he told me, a few years back? 'Every second someone like me is the worst nightmare of the World Government, the Elder Bastards die a little bit more inside'."

"…holy hell, that's brilliant," Rockstar breathed in awe.

 _THWACK!_

Then he winced when an empty vodka bottle thumped against his head. "I HEARD YOU AND I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY SAKE!"

"Also, the captain's still a natural stinking drunk!" Roo cackled.

 _THUNK!_

"YEOW!" the fatso yelped as a rifle stock slammed over his skull.

"Shut up so we can listen to the rookie," Benn ordered.

"And _he's_ a raging jackass…" Roo muttered.

 _THUNK!_

"GAH, RIGHT ON THE OTHER LUMP!"

" _Well, ladies and gentlemen, today is a rather special day on the SBS, as we happen to have a guest here!"_ Cross informed the word in his usual animated tone. " _They're going anonymous for the time being, but they're doing a huge favor for us and all they asked for an interview on here, so let's get started!"_

" _ **Hello, people of the world. It's quite a pleasure to to speak to all of you, one that I've wanted for quite a long time now,"**_ came the dual voices that Soundbite used for anonymity. " _ **I'm keeping most of myself**_ **to** _ **myself for now, but it should go without saying that I am a pirate. A captain of a fine crew that has every intention of shaking up the world."**_

"Well, that doesn't narrow it down very much, that could be any of those starry-eyed rookies," someone piped up.

" _So, getting right into the interview, we've got our questions lined up. Primero: What makes you special enough to be able to shake up the world that much?"_ Cross inquired.

" _ **Weeeell,"**_ the guest speaker drawled with a wide grin. A grin that made Shanks sit up and take notice. " _ **I have spent several years mastering my Devil Fruit powers, which are by themselves enough that I hardly need to try against most opponents. Ah, but I am not complacent; I am a master swordsman as well, and my blades are of the highest quality. I am confident that between these two masteries, no adversary in my path will be a threat."**_

" _Well, while I'm sure that your skills in both those areas is impressive, you'll forgive me if I have my doubts about the idea of one pirate crew taking on the Marine organization… well, one crew that's not ours, anyway!"_

" _ **Careful, Jeremiah Cross. Don't get too big of a head."**_

" _Yeah, but think about how useless the Marines will feel the next time they take a swing at us and miss when we're showing that kind of attitude!"_ Cross shamelessly chortled. " _Anyway, let's see, next question… what's your philosophy, what keeps you going through everything the sea spits out at you?"_

" _ **My philosophy?"**_ the interviewee grunted, the snail's teeth gnashing in a way that indicated chewing on a cigar, as Boss had often shown. " _ **Well… in difficult times, I have two sayings that I always come back to. First, you can't rush perfection; I'm as strong as I am because I took the time to refine my skills. And as much as I love massive payoffs, I've learned again and again that they take endless preparation to pull it off. Be it weeks, months, or even years, it can be hard to put in the necessary time and effort, to not leap for the payoff the first chance you get. But it's worth. It is**_ **always** _ **worth it."**_

" _Admirable. Most folks don't have that kind of self-control. And the second?"_

" _ **Second is that you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. It may sound a bit mercenary, but if you want to reach for the top? You won't make it there without a great deal of agony. Whether the pain comes from simple adversity, a failed experiment in growing stronger, or plain old misfortune, patience is not the only price that you must pay for success. Sometimes things turn out ugly even when you get the result you wanted. Again, though, I find that it is always worth it."**_

" _Definitely an admirable worldview, and one we're all familiar with. I'm impressed."_

" _ **Oh stop, you're making me blush!"**_

"Huh, sounds like Luffy and his crew have run into a pretty impressive pirate!" someone piped up.

"Yeah…" Shanks rubbed his chin, a troubled frown on his face. "But for some reason he's also pretty familiar…"

 _That_ sobered up the rest of the Red-Haired Pirates real quick.

"And on this crew…" another grunt slowly clarified. "That's… usually a _bad_ sign, ain't it?"

"Yeah, but… c'mon, it can't _always_ be that bad, right?" someone else asked.

"Mmph… maybe…" Shanks grunted noncommittally.

" _Well, moving on to more material things, I must say your swords are most impressive!"_

" _ **Ha! Your crew just won't get off my back about them, eh? Don't you already have plenty of impressive blades already?"**_

" _Yeah, but except for Funkfreed, they're all katana. I don't even know what yours are. HEY, ZORO, BLADE ID!"_

" _Skillful to Great Grade, now clam it and let me train!"_ the 'rookie' crew's first mate shouted back.

" _Not what I—ugh, never mind…"_ Cross grunted with a roll of his eyes. " _But anyway, yeah, a new pair of Greats is impressive. Especially seeing as I've never seen a matched set before."_

" _ **Yes, well—!"**_

"BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THIS ISN'T ONE OF THOSE TIMES!" Shanks barked, shooting to his feet and dashing over to the snail so he could hastily punch in the SBS's number. "Damn it damn it damn i—!"

"How bad, Shanks?!" Yasopp inquired nervously.

"' _Raging bastard who gave Roger_ and _Garp the fights of their lives'_ bad!" Shanks growled. "The only cigar-smoking asshole I remember to wield both an impressive Devil Fruit _and_ a matched pair of Graded Swords—!"

"Shiki the Golden Lion?!" Benn roared incredulously. Then he ground a the heel of his palm into his forehead. "Luffy, how could you _possibly_ be that unluck—?"

 _THWACK!_

Roo cackled as he smashed the remains of his Sea King ribs over his superior's head. "HA! Payback, asshole! Ah, but no, I do realize that this is serious, so—!"

 _SMASH!_

Roo fell silent as he, Yasopp, and Benn looked back up at Shanks, who had just crushed the bottle he was holding with widened eyes. His mouth moved wordlessly, those capable of reading lips seeing the words 'wanted to for a long time now' form before Shanks redoubled his attempts to type in his protégé's number… which really only impeded him, fingers stabbing into all the buttons but the right ones.

"— _ **and so I've wielded these blades ever since, and they've never let me down."**_

" _Huh. Quite the story, but I shouldn't be surprised considering how Zoro got his swords."_

" _GUESS IT'S_ JUST A **thing for the** _ **BEST—**_ _Dot dot dot dot!—_ _ **SWORDSMEN! Ooh, a call-in!"**_

"Thank goodness," Shanks breathed in relief.

" _ **Heh, maybe someone looking for advice from a professional pirate?"**_

" _And just_ what _are you implying with that, hmm?"_ Cross scoffed in good humor before picking up. " _Alright, caller, who here do you want to talk to?"_

"SHIKI, YOU GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THEM RIGHT THE HELL NOW!" Shanks roared at the top of his lungs. "IF YOU TOUCH EVEN A HAIR ON LUFFY'S HEAD, I SWEAR I WILL—!"

" _The world, Jeremiah Cross,"_ came a voice that was decidedly _not_ Shanks.

"GAAAH!" the Emperor raged, slamming the receiver down hard enough to almost knock out the poor snail. "ONE FREAKING SECOND TOO LATE!"

" _I will get straight to the point: I am Vice Admiral Tsuru of Marine Headquarters, and I would like to borrow the services of your SBS to send forth a warning regarding a significant threat that the Navy has been made aware of within the past two days. Will you permit this?"_

"NO!" the Red-Haired Pirates bellowed as one.

" _Eh… I'll allow it,"_ the snail uttered with a shrug. " _Just keep it clean._ I'm _the only one allowed to spew propaganda around here."_

Shanks threw his hand up in frustration, spinning around and stomping away. "THE ONE TIME WE WANT HIM TO BE AN IRREVERENT ASSHOLE!"

"Captain, we can call in once he's—" one of the grunts began.

"No, don't bother," Shanks sighed, pulling up another bottle. "I really shouldn't be directly interfering in Luffy's journey. Besides, it's not like the Straw Hats haven't taken on impossible odds before."

Toning out the broadcast of the snail, Shanks took a long drink, and then wiped off his mouth, before blinking at the nervous and slightly incredulous looks his crew was giving him.

"So… we wait?" Yasopp asked.

"We wait," Shanks nodded. "We'll see if the Golden Lion has bitten off more than he can chew by challenging them. And if he hasn't?"

Without warning, the better part of the crew nearly fainted as a blast of Haki billowed out from Shanks, his glare on the no-longer-conscious snail.

" **Then he'll wish that he had."**

 **-ONE MINUTE EARLIER-**

"Fleet Admiral Sengoku."

Said man and Garp both turned to face their old friend, the speaker, who had just entered the room with a sterner look on her face than usual, a snail in her hand. Sengoku took a moment to sigh in discontent at her impersonal address before responding. "Yes, Vice Admiral Tsuru?"

"Will you permit me to call in to the SBS?" The elderly Vice-Admiral pointed at the snail the other two Marines were listening to. "I would like to use Jeremiah Cross's range to spread the warning about Shiki. And to potentially warn them about the threat to their lives as well; the better prepared they are, the bigger the strip they might take out of Shiki's hide."

The Fleet Admiral's growing scowl faded into surprise. He went back to frowning a moment later, but nodded. "Do it. The brat's show can finally do _something_ good."

Tsuru nodded, dialing the number carefully.

"—JUST A **thing for the** _ **BEST—**_ _Dot dot dot dot!—_ _ **SWORDSMEN! Ooh, a call-in!"**_

" _ **Heh, maybe someone looking for advice from a professional pirate?"**_

" _And just_ what _are you implying with that, hmm?"_ Cross scoffed in good humor before picking up. " _Alright, caller, who here do you want to talk to?"_

"The world, Jeremiah Cross," Tsuru stated in a no-nonsense voice. "I will get straight to the point: I am Vice Admiral Tsuru of Marine Headquarters, and I would like to borrow the services of your SBS to send forth a warning regarding a significant threat that the Navy has been made aware of within the past two days. Will you permit this?"

" _Eh… I'll allow it,"_ Cross said nonchalantly. " _Just keep it clean._ I'm _the only one allowed to spew propaganda around here. Mind giving me a second here?"_

" **Sure, sure, go right ahead."**

" _You were saying?"_

"Thank you," Tsuru said neutrally. "People of the world, I am here to make two warnings of the utmost importance: first, to all peoples living in the East Blue, we advise you to exercise the most extreme amount of caution possible. Over the course of the past month, several islands have been razed in totality, all living creatures on said islands slaughtered with extreme prejudice. The most recent attacks have annihilated civilian settlements and left no survivors. Recent evidence also suggests that there is a hostile force directing these attacks, so all civilians are urged to report any suspicious activity they notice to their local Marines immediately and without fail. That is all."

" _Geez…"_ Cross shook his head, a scowl on his face. " _Well, that's just horrible in all kinds of ways. And the other thing?"_

"The second warning, perhaps even more critical, concerns the whole world. One of the most infamous pirates in history has resumed activity: Shiki the Golden Lion. He is one of the most dangerous men alive, a ruthless warmonger, one of the greatest rivals of the late Gold Roger, and the only man to ever escape from Impel Down. He is empowered by the Float-Float Fruit, enabling him to levitate himself as well as anything he touches other than animals. And we have reason to believe that he… is…"

Tsuru trailed off, about to say 'responsible for the attacks in the East Blue', but she sighed and grimaced as she registered that the snail's expression had gradually become more and more horrified over the course of her words.

"…he's standing right next to you, Jeremiah Cross, isn't he?" she groaned, kneaded her brow.

" _Guilty as charged, Wrinkles~"_ sang the no-longer blurred voice, which had just taken on a new undertone of malice.

" _YOU! GUM-GUM—WAAAAAAA!"_ came Luffy's sudden bellow, followed by an equally sudden scream of surprise that was echoed by the rest of his crew.

"DAMMIT, LUFFY!" Garp roared. "HOW DID YOU LET YOURSELF GET TAKEN IN BY _SHIKI?!"_

Sengoku, for his part, just had his forehead slumped on his table. It almost sounded like he was sobbing in exasperation as the one good, if reluctant, hope he had of the situation resolving itself without issue _evaporated_.

 **-ONE MINUTE EARLIER-**

"Eh, I'll allow it," Cross shrugged indifferently. "Just keep it clean. _I'm_ the only one allowed to spew propaganda around here." He then shot an apologetic look at the crew's guest. "Mind giving me a second here?"

"Sure, sure, go right ahead," Shiki waved him off airily before wandering away. His grin then widened as the Straw Hat's captain came up to him with an inquisitive look. "Can I help you?"

"Well," Luffy scratched the back of his head with uncharacteristic hesitation. "I know you said that wheel messed with your head, and that you weren't really friends, but… uh… do you… remember anything about Roger at all? What he was like and stuff?"

The guest captain's mood swiftly sobered up, and he glanced away. "…he was a great man. Strong, stalwart. Truly a pirate to be admired in every way."

"So cool!" Luffy grinned ecstatically.

Shiki bowed his head as his expression slowly darkened. "…he was also a damned fool, who refused to grasp the world when he had it in the palm of his hand."

"Huh?!" the rubber-man boggled at Shiki for a second before frowning and bringing a hand to his head in thought. "Wait… why does that sound…?"

"What the—? HEY, GUYS!" Usopp suddenly shouted, snapping Luffy out of his thoughts as he garnered everyone's attention. "TH-THERE'S… THERE ARE ISLANDS UP AHEAD!"

"At almost four thousand meters in the air and without a Cumulo Regalis in sight?! You're kidding!" Nami said incredulously, joining the rest of the crew at the Sunny's sides, Perona shadowing her in her astral form, having vehemently denied any idea of getting anywhere near a several thousand meter drop in person.

But no matter how impossible it should have been, none could deny the facts: That the Straw Hat's ship was floating straight towards an archipelago of totally normal islands, bearing a variety of climates and ecosystems… save that they were floating in the sky. And not a single Cumulo Regalis around.

"Woooah…" Usopp and Chopper breathed in gape-mouthed awe.

"I don't believe my eyes!" Brook exclaimed in shock. "My non-existent eyes! YOHOHO! SKULL JOKE!"

"I'm gonna go and get a Vision Dial! Otherwise the guys back on the Fleet'll never _believe_ this!" Raphey barked excitedly, Rip Tide-ing into the Sunny.

"What is this place?" Luffy asked, voice uncharacteristically soft and quiet.

The shadows upon Shiki's face grew deeper and darker, even as his grin grew wider. "That, my fellow pirate, would be the Hidden Land in the Clouds known as Merveille. My glorious hideout."

"Huh?!" Luffy and his crew all snapped their heads around to stare at the wheel-headed man in confusion. "But you said you were taking us to the East—!"

Shiki suddenly snapped his hand up, silencing everyone and allowing them to hear what was being said by their tactician's snail.

" _The second warning,"_ Vice Admiral Tsuru declared solemnly, " _Perhaps even more critical, concerns the world as a whole. One of the most infamous pirates in history has resumed activity: Shiki the Golden Lion."_

Some of the crew stiffened, but most barely reacted; _they_ were some of the most infamous pirates in history, after all. Yet for some reason, Luffy in particular had a frown on his face. Shiki, for his part, just kept grinning and looking ahead. And as the Vice Admiral spoke, listing the other pirate's characteristics, Shiki's grin grew ever wider while Luffy's frown deepened into an out and out scowl, until finally…

"… _he's standing right next to you, Jeremiah Cross, isn't he?"_ Tsuru groaned.

Shiki shot a vicious leer at the source of the Marine's voice. "Guilty as charged, Wrinkles~"

"YOU!" Luffy suddenly roared at the top of his lungs, his face etched into a rictus of fury as he snapped his arm _way_ back. "GUM-GUM—WAAAAAAA!" The attack, before it could be launched, was transformed into a panicked cry when the Thousand Sunny suddenly rocketed straight into the airborne archipelago, throwing the Straw Hats clean off their feet.

Once they adjusted to the momentum, the stronger members of the crew got to their feet, looking around in an attempt to spot their apparent latest threat…

"I find myself curious, Straw Hat!"

And led everyone in glaring up at the mast upon which Shiki had perched himself, visibly basking in his own superiority with an arrogant leer on his face.

"You somehow suspected me when you had no right to!" the Golden Lion chuckled darkly. "How did that happen?"

"I remembered you from Shanks' stories!" Luffy snarled viciously, dropping into a fight-ready position. "And he said that you were the most evil, hateful bastard of a tyrant that he ever met!"

"Sticks and stones, my boy!" Shiki guffawed. "The words of none will ever hurt me! Not yours, not your third mate's, and certainly not that Red-Haired brat's either! JIHAHAHA!"

"BUT MY PIPE SURE AS HELL WILL!" the rubber-man roared, brandishing said implement—

"LUFFY, NO!"

—only to stumble when Cross hastily grabbed his captain's arm. "Cross, what—!?"

"I want to knock his block off as much as you do, but if you neutralize his powers for even a second, we're gonna hit the ocean like it was pavement!" Cross explained in a panic.

"Listen to the boy, Straw Hat!" Shiki called down, accompanied by a belly-deep laugh. "I'm not quite done with you yet, it'd be inconvenient to have to pick your remains up off the seafloor!"

"I THOUGHT I DITCHED THAT GAG IN SKYPIEA! _I'M NINETEEN!"_

"And look at how much I care!" Shiki boisterously replied, throwing his arms out wide. "And while I'm at it, let me _humbly_ welcome you all to the Island of Merveille, as my _honored_ guests! I am quite certain that you will find it to be a most wonderful home for adventurers such as yourselves… once you've _settled in."_

" _Yoooou…"_ Luffy growled from the pit of his stomach.

"Oh, fret not, I won't be in your hair much longer!" Shiki waved his hand dismissively. "I'll just take what I decided to acquire while I was among you and be on my way! First off!" He shot his hand down towards the crew—

"GWAH!"

And suddenly jerked Cross clean off the deck by the strap of his transceiver's bag, the Third Mate yelping in surprise. Cross wasn't hanging for long, however, for as soon as Shiki had a good grip on the transceiver within, he cut the strap with a swing of his leg, letting him drop back down to the deck.

"This most interesting of gadgets, which I will make _far_ better use of then you ever could," Shiki sneered as he spun the transceiver upon his finger, before shooting a titanically _evil_ eye down at the Straw Hats. "And for the second… MY NEW NAVIGATOR!" Without warning the gold-maned captain shot forwards and pounced on Nami.

The navigator _tried_ to snap out her Clima-Tact, but before she could even twitch, Shiki snapped his arm forward and an autonomous rope shot flew out of his sleeve. The living binding wound itself around Nami, both pinning her arms to her chest so she couldn't grab her weapon _and_ gagging her screams of protest as the larger man slung her over his shoulder like a sack of flour.

The Golden Lion took a victorious tug from his cigar, floating himself and his captive skywards with a victorious leer on his face. "And with that," he gloated. "I shall be taking my leave."

"LIKE HELL ARE YOU GETTING AWAY WITH NAMI-SWAN! _SKY WALK!"_ Sanji roared, leaping up and running on the air toward Shiki as though he were climbing stairs.

" _TIDAL SWIM!"_ concurred the dugongs sans Raphey, swimming through the air after Sanji, weapons at ready. Shiki turned back towards them, his eyes widening in surprise. Then he chuckled.

"So you can fly as well? Impressive. But unfortunately, you're a few decades too young to try challenging _me!"_

With that, Shiki tossed his captive up into the air, where she came to a rest about five hundred feet above. The four aerial fighters didn't respond, instead bracing themselves on the air and then pushing off one last time at Shiki. And then, when they were close enough, Shiki _flipped himself upside down_ and began spinning like a top. A razor-edged top.

Sanji, gritting his teeth, immediately went high. With a cry of "Nori Arts!", the dugongs swayed under the blades, at which point Shiki stopped spinning and brought his knees down on Donny and Leo, sending them falling back to the deck, dazed.

That didn't stop either Sanji or Mikey, who pushed off again to try and sandwich Shiki between them. Shiki didn't move, and for a moment it looked like they might actually get them. But at the last minute he soared up and between them, leaving Sanji, unable to react in time, to kick Mikey square in the nose.

"Oh shit!" Sanji yelped as Mikey soared towards the ground to join his fellow dugongs.

"JIHAHAHAHAHA!"

Flames roared in Sanji's eyes as he spun around and shot a glare at Shiki. "You think this is _funny_ , shit-lion?"

Shiki straightened, wiping a tear from his eye. "You kicked your own crewmate in the snout! Of course that's funny! And you must've seen the look on his face." Shiki grinned wider, and then burst out laughing again. "Jihahahaha—whoa!"

That exclamation was due to a flying shard of razor air nearly taking his head off; as it is, he had enough time to hastily swoop over it, which was where Sanji met him, leg cocked back.

"Eat this!" the cook declared. "Mouton!"

The kick lashed out, and Shiki simply floated above it, legs drawn in. And given the nature of the Mouton, Sanji was left horribly exposed when Shiki began stabbing with his sword-legs as fast as he could. Especially since Sanji didn't—couldn't—bring his hands up, for fear of getting them slashed up.

And so, when Sanji, too, came crashing out of the sky, he looked like he'd gone charging through a patch of sawgrass.

"Well, that was fun," Shiki chuckled as he buffed his nails on his jacket, offhandedly floating up to grab Nami again. "But! As I was saying earlier… _goodbye."_ And with that, the Golden Lion snapped his fingers dismissively.

And to everyone's horror, gravity reasserted itself upon the Thousand Sunny, sending the Straw Hats careening down towards the ocean far below.

"YOU SON OF A—!" Luffy roared, reeling up to shoot his arm at Shiki even as he freefell.

"WELCOME TO MERVEILLE!" Shiki cackled back. "MIND THE _DROP!"_ He punctuated the last word with a sweep of his hand.

Luffy hesitated slightly at the action before stiffening in both shock and horror as he became acutely aware of the fact that the Thousand Sunny, his own ship, was _swinging around towards him and his crew!_ "LOOK OUT!" The rubber-man shot his arms out and _tried_ to grab as many of his crewmates as he could, but he only managed to grasp Cross and Boss before the Sunny's keel slammed into the whole crew at once with the force of a battering ram, a Sea King, and a Sea Train all rolled into one. More than enough force to send the Straw Hats flying to the far ends of the archipelago in several discrete clumps. The Sunny getting tossed onto another island with as much care as a broken toy merely added insult to injury.

As his captive began flailing and screaming muffled obscenities at him, Shiki turned his focus off the distant Straw Hats and to his ill-acquired transceiver. "In case you all didn't get the memo," Shiki leered at the world. "The Straw Hat Broadcasting Station is now signing off. _Permanently. JIHAHAHA!"_ And with a final cackle he slammed the mic down and shut the world off.

Slowly, the Golden Lion's laughter subsided into a contented sigh. He patted his latest acquisitions, prompting one of them to shout more muffled obscenities into her gag. "Ahhh, this has been a _good_ day… I guess there's only one question left now, hm?" At those words, Shiki's mood pulled a 180 in the form of a frigid glare directed over his shoulder.

More precisely, directed at the astral form of Perona, half-formed Negative Hollows flanking a raised hand, just waiting for the order. And as much as she wanted to, she couldn't give that order. For she'd seen that glare before, so many times before, and it sent shivers through her entire body.

She'd seen it in the eyes of Moria… and she knew what awaited her if she tried to defy him.

And so, it was with a final apologetic look at Nami that Perona bowed her head in submission and let her Hollows fade away.

Shiki's demeanor became 'pleasant' once more. "That's what I thought. Now keep up. I wouldn't want you to miss out on the tour." He turned his gaze to the murderous woman over his shoulder, completely unfazed by her rage. "After all… it's the last home you'll ever know."

If Nami was angry before, those words caused her eyes, visible only to Perona, to shine with pure, venomous hatred. And it was at that moment that the ghost-girl knew, without a single doubt, that Shiki the Golden Lion had just made a fatal mistake.

Maybe even literally.

 **-THE PRESENT-**

The sound of farting footsteps drew Nami out of her reminiscing. Dr. Indigo came into view shortly after, and despite their feelings for the man (read: _burning hate)_ , the two prisoners found themselves more than a little intrigued by the massive wooden birdcage he was carrying over his head.

"Captain Shiki!" the clown proclaimed. "We've had another evolutionary breakthrough! A new species! Take a look at this fella!"

Indigo sat the cage down, and Nami and Perona shifted to look at its captive. The creature in the cage resembled a duck, but it had a red comb on its head reminiscent of a rooster or turkey and long tail feathers more appropriate for a peacock. What struck Nami the most were its eyes; putting the pieces together on the local fauna was pretty straightforward, but unlike what she'd expected this fowl didn't seem aggressive at all. Hell, it didn't even have the tension most non-aggressive animals had. It just looked… utterly innocent, somehow.

"HUH?! A guitar?" Shiki gaped at the fowl.

"ARE YOU BLIND, IT'S A BIRD!" Indigo barked, slapping his captain.

The clown, the lion, and the gorilla then struck a pose, and the girls were about to turn away when the cage opened and the duck within squawked and spread its wings. In the space of a second, it flew up, draped itself on top of Shiki—

"QUAAAA!" _ZZZT!_

And then dropped a barrage of lightning on the trio with a perfectly content quack.

"HOROHOROHORO!" Perona and an entourage of her Negative Hollows cackled as the trio's skeletons flickered in and out of view.

"HA!" Nami barked, doubling over. "Oh man, the only thing I regret about this is that I didn't get the chance to do it myself sooner!"

The merriment was short-lived, however, because as soon as Shiki got his bearings back, he grabbed the obliviously happy duck by its jowls.

"Stupid guitar!" he roared, tossing the bird at Scarlet, who then backhanded it with a snarl. It slammed into a nearby tree, snapping it in half, but surprisingly, the duck appeared to be more scared than actually harmed. Still, that didn't keep Nami from being concerned.

"Hey, lay off!" Nami snapped, rushing over to the duck, huddling protectively. Shiki either didn't hear her or didn't care, more concerned with glaring daggers at his scientist.

"So, _that_ was the evolution?" he bit out waspishly as he brushed some charred ashes off of his shoulders.

"Correct," Indigo weakly confirmed. Reaching up with shaking arms, he snapped his fingers under his nose a few times and inhaled the resulting emerald sparks. Almost immediately, he perked up, the shaking gone. "He's evolved to discharge bursts of electricity! And that was actually him being friendly, you should see what he's like when exposed to stress!"

Nami and Perona exchanged befuddled looks, then went back to the duck as it staggered back to its feet and cowered timidly behind them. "Evolved?" Nami asked cautiously. "What do you mean?"

"Eh? What's that?" The Straw Hats' navigator had to fight the urge to hurl as Shiki shot a taunting leer her way. "You want to know? Weeeell… you'll find out as soon as you join my crew, so I guess I might as well tell you now."

Shiki nodded his head at the aggressively natured and colored gorilla flanking him. "Throughout the history of this island, the native animals have evolved in a strange, rapid manner, untouched by the outside world. This development is all thanks to a plant called IQ. Over the years, the plant has found its way into the ecosystem of Merveille, and the chemicals present in said plant manipulate the animals' physical growth to not only adapt to their surroundings, but to aggressively overcome them. Once we realized its effect…" Shiki's grin took on a particularly vicious undertone. "I had every last IQ plant on the entire island harvested for my own usage."

"And after 20 years of experimentation, I've made the breakthrough of the century!" Indigo proclaimed giddily, leaping in front of his captain, producing and proffering a test tube full of green pills and a small container of green liquid. "The synthesized distillation of the IQ plant's potent powers. A drug that is pure evolution in chemical form: SIQ!" The mad doctor tossed the vials up, juggling them hand to hand with a confident smirk. "With a single injection, we can turn any animal into a perfect fighting machine, their astounding strength only matched by their boundless aggression. And the more we give them, the more violent they get! You've never seen such savage animals!"

"Huh…" Perona tilted her head thoughtfully before shrugging indifferently. "That makes sense to me."

"No, it doesn't! That's _horrifying!"_ Nami snapped at her companion before shooting a scowl at Indigo. "And also _familiar. You're_ the same Indigo who gave the Amigo Pirates that poison they injected themselves with, aren't you!?"

Indigo blinked in surprise, still juggling, and then his smile became particularly sadistic. "Ah, yes, now I remember! Yours was the crew that laid low that pack of lab-rats! I must thank you for the data, it was quite the boon!"

"Keep your damn thanks!" the navigator spat. "What the hell did you do, give them the same poison you're giving the animals?!"

"Psh, hardly," Indigo scoffed. "While SIQ works well on animals, the effects are depressingly reduced on humans. Barely any aggression whatsoever because of a long-induced immunity to adrenaline, pah! Hence, I used those hapless fools to test out my latest innovation!" The clown flicked his wrist, adding a third vial, filled with reddish-orange liquid, to his juggling. "BIQ! Booster IQ for the human soul! Still some bugs to work out, but still better than anything that shaggy rug of a quack you call a doctor could whip up!"

Nami let out a sharp 'tsk' and glared the doctor right in his eyes. "You only wish you were half as skilled as Chopper, you damned hack."

Indigo's jolly mood promptly evaporated into a blistering glare. His fists wrapped around the vials he held, the glass creaking under the strain. Slowly, though, he let himself relax, his glare relaxing into a bloodthirsty smile. "Well, we'll be finding out soon enough, won't we?"

A cold chill swept over Nami and Perona, both of them stiffening. "What are you talking about?" the navigator quietly but furiously demanded.

"Weeeell—!"

"You'll understand our ultimate goal soon enough," Shiki cut in, roughly shoving Indigo out of the way. "As long as you join my crew, that is."

"Are you deaf?!" Nami snapped back, her hand twitching towards her Clima-Tact. "I already told you, I'll never—!"

" _You will!"_

Shiki's sudden roar shut Nami's protests down cold. He had a glint in his eye that gave the impression he knew something that she didn't. And more importantly, that pushing him any further would be supremely detrimental to her continued health.

"Not only will you join my crew," the leonine pirate said, chin jutted out. "You'll _grovel_ for your chance to do it. You'll get down on your hands and knees and beg. And once we've got that sad scene out of the way, I'll tell you everything you ever wanted to hear. Just make sure to remember: I'm _always_ willing to grant a favor for one of my own crew. Ji… JIHAHAHA!"

Behind Shiki, Scarlet began beating his chest. "OO-OOK!"

"Er… are you pounding your chest to impress the girl?" Indigo questioned.

Scarlet nodded with an affirmative grunt.

"THEY'RE HAVING A SERIOUS CONVERSATION, YOU DIRTY APE!"

"EH?!" Shiki said, turning back to Scarlet. "I just thought you were my grandma for a second there."

"DOES EVERYONE IN YOUR STINKING FAMILY LOOK LIKE A GORILLA, OR WHAT?!" Indigo demanded, chopping his boss on the head.

Shiki rounded on his resident doctor, a snarl on his lips. "You damn mad scien—!"

"OOK!" _SLAM!_

Any further action was aborted by Scarlet bringing down a _far_ stronger chop on his captain's head that the pirate's head into and through the floor.

"CAPTAIN!" Indigo yelped in horror before rounding on the overly juiced ape. "Damn it, Scarlet, I've told you not to do that! Unlike me, you actually have upper body strength, you could seriously—!"

"OOK!" Scarlet barked again, raising his fist in preparation to slug the doctor.

Said doctor hastily became far more pleasant in demeanor, reaching into his pocket and offering a yellow… 'fruit' to the ape. "Banana?"

That offer didn't please Scarlet much, give the way snarled and drew his hackles back.

"Plus four more if you eat it in my lab!" Indigo hastily tacked on.

"OO-OO A-AH!" the gorilla hooted joyfully, snatching the chemical-loaded banana from the doctor's hand and loping out of the greenhouse.

About a second after the ape left, Shiki let out a pained groan and pushed his way to his knees. "Damn stupid _monkey…_ grargh." Shiki rubbed his temple, drawing a wince before shooting a glare at Indigo. "You can still control him, _right?"_

"I'll up the dosage of mood stabilizers in his next batch of SIQ-nanas, don't worry," Indigo assured his captain.

If anything, that darkened Shiki's mood further.

"Mood stabilizers that I can dispel at a whim!" the doctor hastily amended.

Shiki nodded with a dismissive snort. "Better."

"You bastards are despicable," Nami spat.

Surprisingly, instead of immediately responding, Indigo and Shiki shared a significant look. "Shall we, Captain?" the doctor grinned.

"Absolutely, Doctor," Shiki grinned back, locking arms and posing with the mad scientist.

"Pi~ra~te!"

Rumbling thunder drowned out Nami's snarl as she snapped out her Clima-Tact, though she stopped just short of actually attacking.

Indigo leapt a full meter back from the incensed navigator. "Okay, might have pushed that one a bit far!" the doctor admitted with a whimper.

Shiki barely reacted at all, simply turning away. "I'll give you some more time to think about it. For the time being, I have business to attend to regarding my master plan. I'll be back once I've got everything in motion. And then… you _will_ join my crew."

With that ominous proclamation, Shiki headed for the exit. Indigo composed himself and made to follow, but then slapped his forehead and stopped dead in his tracks. "Gah! Almost forgot!" He turned around and jabbed a finger at the duck that was cowering behind their thundering prisoner. "You, with me! I need to find out the source of your bioelectricity so that I can put it in something less disappointing!"

"Quaaa!" the duck-peacock wailed fearfully, hiding further behind Nami.

Nami's mood darkened further, and she threw her arm out to shield the literal thunderbird. "Back. Off." Perona promptly backed her up by hovering over the clouds, a trio of Mini Hollows orbiting above her hand.

Indigo scoffed at the girls and started to reach into his jacket. "Okay, you two. Back away from the bird, before I—!"

"Leave it."

Indigo started at the order before boggling at the man who'd given it. "B-But Captain, the bird, the research—!"

" **Leave. It,"** Shiki bit out, accompanied by a dark glare that got Indigo breaking out in cold sweat. "If it'll tide her over for a second longer, you can put it off for a few more hours."

"Bite me, bastard," Nami shot back at him.

"You _do_ realize you're just pissing her off more and more with your every word, right?" Perona called at the Golden Lion's back as he finally walked out, his doctor trailing behind.

"It'll make her inevitable groveling aaaall the sweeter. Enjoy the pool, _Miss Navigator!_ " Shiki called back without so much as a glance back, his final words punctuated by the room's doors slamming back shut.

"Ass," Perona groused

Nami let out a weary sigh, letting her Eisen Tempo recede into her Clima-Tact, which she resheathed in her holster. "Ass that's holding this whole archipelago in the air through will alone and who can kill us with a flick of his wrist."

The ghost-girl deflated at the reminder of the severity of their situation. "Point…" Straightening up, she swung around so that she was fully facing Nami, concern written all over her face. "Are you alright, by the way? He got you good earlier."

The navigator winced and rubbed her neck at the reminder. "I'll live. Believe it or not, I've gone through worse. I'll be fine…" Nami said, before glancing out the window with a frown. "It's the others I'm worried about."

"Even knowing how strong they are?"

Nami nodded solemnly. "That should tell you just how worried I am."

Perona nodded sadly in agreement before shrugging. "Yeah, well, we can worry about them later. Right now, let's concentrate on getting _you_ out, alright?"

This was met by a thankful smile, and then Nami before looked towards the duck creature she'd defended, who was watching them with a curious and gentle gaze. "I don't suppose _you_ know any good ways out of here?" she asked in a joking tone.

The duck blinked and tilted its head in confusion. "Qua?"

An expression of horror slowly came over the navigator. "… God help me, I'm a grown woman who talks to animals and expects them to talk back."

"Horohorohorohoro…" Perona chortled. "Don't feel too bad, I got used to all of my animal zombies talking back."

Nami slowly turned a flat glare on the Hollow-girl. "Perona, how in the _hell_ is that meant to make me feel better?" And with that she stomped off, muttering mutinously under her breath.

"Wha—? Hey, come back!" Perona protested, hastily floating after Nami. "It was a joke, a jo—!"

"Sh!"

Silence fell at the glance Nami over her shoulder, a finger at her lips. Any questions Perona had died were answered by surreptitious glance at the snail mounted in the wall, one that had been tracking their every move.

"I can worry about my friends as much as I want because I've found a way out," Nami hissed under her breath. "We are getting out of here _now."_

Perona made sure that her face was turned away from the snail before grinning in relief and joy. "You want me to take a couple of extra minutes to leave a little surprise behind for them?"

Nami's expression would have sent the devil himself running for the hills. "Do you even have to _ask."_

 **-o-**

"Usopp, a fair warning," Conis said in ill-concealed irritation as she tried to rub away the lingering stinging in her jaw. "I've been made aware of some rather _interesting_ punishments since I started studying with Robin, so I'd advise against pulling that off again."

"I'll spare the time to worry about that threat when we're back on the Sunny, back on the sea, and back on our way to the East Blue," Usopp responded, his tone cold enough that Conis's anger faded in favor of surprise. "Meanwhile, I'm more afraid of the monsters who _actually_ want to kill me, so don't get any ideas about drawing them to us just because you want to find the others."

Mikey, who had made exactly no progress at freeing himself, paused to angrily flail his flippers. Sanji, unfortunately, was busy working through bindings that Usopp had made twice as strong as the others', and so was unavailable to translate.

Frowning in thought, Usopp said, "I caught the word 'idea' in there, so I assume you were asking if I had any better ones?" The Dugong nodded, and Usopp huffed before turning back to the cliff they were walking towards, everyone else following.

"With a good couple of hours of _peace and quiet_ , I was able to get my head together. So besides remembering that our homes are in danger and we've lost a _week_ getting there, I realized that all of these islands are floating, but their altitude is constant. We can assume that the rest of the crew has been as busy getting chased everywhere as we have over the last week, including having to jump off of a few islands. And most of them can't use Moonwalk to get back up again."

As they stepped up to the edge of the cliff, he gestured around them. "So, they're probably all heading in the same direction: down. Meaning all we have to do is head for the bottom island and find a safe place to wait for the others; maybe they're even already there. Once we've done that, Sanji, if you want to fly back up and see if you can track down the ones who aren't, be my guest."

Sanji stared at Usopp in silence before tilting his hat down over his eyes with an aggravated but defeated growl.

"Glad to hear it," Usopp sighed in relief. "Now, Conis? Help me scout out a place down there where we can set up camp." So saying, the sniper pulled down his goggles and peered over the edge at the island below them. Conis joined him a second later, her goggles also pulled up. Scant seconds later, they spoke together.

"Whoa, there's a village down there!"/"What? That looks like a village!"

After several more seconds, the two removed their goggles and turned back toward their companions. "I'm not positive, but I think that the people there might be natives," Conis informed them. "From the way their village is set up, it looks like the local beasts are being kept at bay by a thick barrier of trees. If we want to establish a base anywhere, I think that's our best bet."

"Which makes things easier, and some of the rest of the crew may already be there waiting for us," Usopp added, reaching over his back and fiddling with the pack he was carrying.

With one final pull…

"Mmm-mmph—GAH! Finally!"

Sanji got the tape off his mouth, and glanced surreptitiously around for any sign of visual snails nearby. "Damn it, Usopp… if it weren't for that reminder about the East Blue, I'd kick you off this cliff. But for now… Conis, dear, would you like me to carry you down?" he asked, swooning as he often did.

Conis… actually considered the situation and the alternatives. And upon doing so…

"…Alright. And, sorry about this, I normally wouldn't do this to you, but given the circumstances…" The gunner glanced over her shoulder at her onlooking fox. "Su, if he tries anything, make him look like his wanted poster."

"Tseeheeheeheeheehee!" the cloud-fox sniggered as the angel gingerly placed herself in Sanji's arms, bridal-style. Sanji's attention then turned towards Mikey, who had positioned himself at the edge of the cliff and was currently posing in such a way that implied he planned to make the dive an impressive thing.

For a few seconds, Sanji and Usopp watched him stand there, unmoving. And then, at the end of those few seconds, Sanji made his displeasure at being kept waiting clear by booting the Dugong off the cliff.

To Mikey's credit, he recovered his graceful form after a mere split second of falling. Sanji eyed the falling amphibian for a few more seconds before jumping off himself, and Usopp spared the time to double-check the device on his back before following suit.

The sniper only let himself fall for a few seconds before he yanked his ripcord, and with a bellow of "USOPP SKYGLIDER!", his chute unfurled and yanked him above his freefalling crewmates.

[Aaaand here comes our final contestant in the high dive, the greatest of the Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad, Mikey!] Mikey barked as he accelerated towards the lake down below. [Even after a disastrous start, the diver has managed to recover, and is about to perform an utterly perfect straight dive with perfect posture, discipline and—OH OCEANUS ALMIGHTY MY SNOUT IS ON FIRE!]

Sanji, Conis and Su all blinked in confusion when Mikey's dive pose suddenly collapsed into a flailing mess, the dugong wailing in misery behind the flippers clawing at his nose. Said flailing persisted up until the dugong unceremoniously face-planted into the lake.

"Well… guess the village really is protected," Sanji decided.

"Ye—wait…" Conis' eyes widened in shocked realization and snapped to her friend. "What about Su!?"

The fox scoffed and snapped her tail indifferently. "Su su— _KAI!"_ Su's nonchalance shattered into an agonized howl and she practically flung herself from Conis' shoulder, writhing and squirming against an intangible torment.

"SU!" Conis exclaimed. Without thinking, she practically flung herself after her friend, grabbing the fox tight in her arms to try and keep her as still as possible so that she didn't hurt herself.

It took a full second for Conis to realize that in moving to save Su, she'd inadvertently thrown herself clean out of Sanji's arms. And because of how hard she'd pushed herself, she was well below him, too far for him to catch up and catch her in time.

That poor decision was followed up with the supreme mistake of gazing downwards. On the one hand, Conis knew that while it was definitely going to hurt like hell, the impact with the lake below _wouldn't_ kill her; on the other hand, some reptilian part of her hindbrain took one look at the drop below her and triggered every panic reflex her body had.

And on any other day, all those panic reflexes would have done was tempt her to scream, or threaten to send her into unconsciousness. Neither actually happened, because over the past week, all of the SIQ-infected flesh and foliage she'd consumed had grown a brand-spanking-new reflex in her body.

A reflex that killed Conis' shriek in her throat when she was suddenly jerked to a halt by _something_ yanking her up by her shoulder-blades and stopping her momentum dead.

Conis _started_ to look around in confusion, but the first turn of her head provided the answer. Though that still left her with the _glaring_ question of how the hell her wings—her cute but physically useless vestigial wings—had grown to _five times their original size_ and were now letting her glide gracefully instead of drop like a less-aerodynamic stone. Naturally, her mind stalled for a solid thirty seconds as it tried to even _contextualize_ what the optic nerve was sending it. ' _I—how—what the—!?'_

 _THROB!_

The far more angelic angel paled as she suddenly became aware of something else. Namely, the fact that her entire back felt like it was on _fire._ And in response to that pain, her suddenly useful wings lost that usefulness, and her plunge downward abruptly resumed.

Sanji saw the whole thing, all three seconds of it. When Conis resumed falling above him, he shook off his shock enough to kick against the air and let her fall back into his arms.

And that was the end of the excitement; Sanji exercised his Sky Walk to slow his descent and land reasonably gently on the pier below. Su barely lasted that long before resuming her squirming, paws clamped tightly over her nose. Usopp was still a ways up, descending at a controlled pace with his parachute. Mikey was floating belly-up in the pool, at least ensuring that he would not drown. Though from the moans he was producing, he probably didn't think that was a good thing.

For now, though, Sanji was concerned with far more pressing matters. "Conis!" he lamented, cradling the angel protectively. "Are you alright, my dear, sweet, beloved—!"

"Sanji, please don't take this the wrong way, but for the love of Gan Fall, please shut the hell up," Conis hissed in a strained tone, her entire body twitching in distress. "I think I just pulled a million muscles all at once and it is taking every fiber of my being not to _scream_ _bloody murder."_

"Ah… right, sorry," Sanji winced sympathetically. He then glanced down at her wings. "Speaking of which, not that your wings aren't lovelier than those of a dove or—!" _CLICK!_ The compliment died in his throat at the feel of a gun barrel pressing into his gut. "Right, focusing. What the heck is going on?!"

"I… think I can help you with that."

Sanji and Conis turned to see a somewhat older woman walking up to them. She wore a simple dress and had feathers on her arms from the wrists almost to the shoulder. Then, after a moment, Sanji let himself sag. "Please tell me you're a friend, because we have been through a hell like you wouldn't believe."

The woman smiled comfortingly. "Hordes upon hordes of monsters and beasts, each more titanic than the last?"

Realizing his mistake, Sanji winced. "Riiiight… don't suppose you could help us understand the situation we're in?"

The local nodded and moved to give Sanji a hand with his yet-incapacitated burden. "Right this way, I'll help you all get settled in. Though…" She winced and shot a fearful glance towards the village. "We _will_ have to be a bit careful. Even behind the Daft Greens, nowhere is truly safe here."

Sanji narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Because of a certain lion-headed bastard by the name of Shiki?" The woman's grimace was answer enough. "Oh yeah, we _definitely_ have a lot to talk about."

And with that, the woman helped Sanji carry Conis into the village… leaving Mikey gurgling face-up in the lake. [Someone kiiiilllll meeee…]

 **-o-**

"Donny, don't you think that if Boss were here, he would have you Tidal Swimming alongside us for training instead of resting?" Robin posed, not even looking up from the journal she was writing in.

{Oh, shut up. We've all earned a little rest after a straight week of monsters,} the Dugong grumpily signed back.

"Mmm, yes, a good point," Robin conceded.

The two, along with Franky and Brook, were perched on the back of what Franky called a "Crawley-Davidson" and which everyone else called "a giant-ass crawdad with wheels and steering". This left Carue, with Vivi slumped on his back, running alongside the improvised vehicle, something the duck didn't mind despite being at the tail end of a week of non-stop running for his life.

"Hey, it looks like there's something up ahead!" Brook exclaimed, pointing in the direction of a small mountain. Upon closer inspection, a cluster of buildings around the top of the mountain and an Asian-style palace at its peak made themselves known.

"Is that a town?" Franky asked in some surprise.

"Looks like it," Vivi said, perking up. "Maybe we can get some answers there. Carue—WAAAGH!"

The sudden scream was a result of Carue suddenly skidding to an uneven halt, coming within an inch of losing his balance and a wailing quack leaking out between the feathers suddenly clamped over his beak. At the same time, Crawley-Davidson reared up, leaping backward by several meters and nearly bucking its passengers off in the process.

Well, nearly bucking _most_ of them off; Donny fell off immediately, his flippers too busy grinding against his face. Brook fell off mostly, hanging on only by a leg, while Franky kept a firm hold on his handlebars and Robin sprouted a few extra arms to keep herself in place. Shortly after the crawdad stopped bucking, Carue made his way back to the group, Donny in tow.

"I think I bit my tongue… not that I have a tongue," Brook commented weakly.

"DAGH!" Franky grunted in annoyance, whacking the crawfish on the head. "Motorcycles don't jump backward, stupid!"

{Urgh, don't blame him,} Donny shakily signed, one flipper still grinding against his nostrils. {There's some kind of stench in the air around that place, it smells like what Devil Fruits taste like. It must be how they keep those monsters away! It's taking everything I have not to bolt as it is!}

"A rotten smell?" Vivi asked, taking a sniff as she dismounted from Carue. "Huh, I think I _can_ smell something… and that does make a lot of sense. Something like that _would_ be the only thing capable of keeping monsters like the ones we've been seeing from attacking."

Carue squawked in miserable agreement. Looking around and spying one of the many cacti that surrounded them, he dashed over, clawed an arm off and stuck his beak into the juicy inside with a relieved quack.

[GIMME!] Donny barked, leapfrogging off the duck's head and grabbing a cactus branch of his own to plug his muzzle with. [Oh, thank _Gooood._ Ergh, but I can still _smell it_ a bit…]

"Quaaaa…" Carue moaned in agreement.

"But we're in the middle of the desert," Franky protested. "Where could a _smell—!?"_

"Unless my nose deceives me, I think it's coming from those odd trees over there!" Brook said, pointing out a wall of off-color shrubbery. "Though of course—!"

"Yeah yeah, no nose, we get it, _come on already,"_ Franky grumbled, yanking the skeleton free of their twitchy mount's saddle and dragging him along by the leg. All the while, the cyborg grumbled mutinously under his breath. "Stupid trees, stupid smell, stupid instincts and inferior building materials, give me good old-fashioned metal and I could make something ten times better in a damn _heartbeat…"_

Vivi eyed her cactus-snorting mount and how he was still shaky on his webbed feet before hanging her head with a sigh. "Guess we're walking. Don't suppose anyone has any ideas on how to pass the time?"

"Recite the entirety of the review sheet I gave you the day before we met Shiki," Robin immediately stated, still yet to look up from her journal.

Vivi paled at the suggestion and snapped a shaky grin at the rest of her friends. "Anyone else have any suggestions?"

The princess paled even further when the crew's archaeologist slammed her journal shut with a too-loud slam and a menacing gleam in her eye. "I don't recall saying that that was a suggestion, _Your Highness._ "

"A-Ah, j-just a minute," Vivi said hastily. "The stones' indestructibility was determined four years after the founding of the World Government…"

"And she's off," Franky sighed. "You ever feel lucky to not have a woman jamming you up?"

"Honestly, I just feel lucky every time I talk to living people instead of the voices in my head," Brook replied in a perfectly pleasant tone of voice.

The cyborg shot a doubtful look over his shoulder. "We have _really_ got to stick some books about psychology in front of Chopper sometime."

"For all the good that they'd do me! It's quite impossible to treat senility, after all, and I'm twenty years past the pale on that! Yohohoho!"

"See, it's things like that that _really_ don't inspire confidence."

 **-o-**

"How much longer until we get there?" Zoro grunted inquisitively, stubbornly not looking down at their 'guide'. A word he used only under extreme duress, mind you; it didn't matter what anyone else said, that tundra _had_ been moving under their feet, damn it!

Said 'guide' scanned their surroundings before giving him a nod. "Don't worry, we're really really close! Just a few more minutes down this river and we'll be at my home!" Xiao confidently stated, the precious flower she was cradling in her hands nodding alongside her.

Zoro grunted again but gave no further response to the girl sitting before him. Chopper sat behind him, looming over them both and keeping a tentative eye on the girl; he had given her treatment for cold and shock, but the feathers on her arms and the unusual biology they signified kept him anxious.

Looking over all of them from up on the mammoth's back was Merry, a rope wound around each of her arms and tied to the tusks of the pachyderm they were using as a mount as the nearest and easiest thing to a bridle they could assemble on such short notice. And behind her, Leo was as close to kneeling as a creature with a legless lower body could be, taking advantage of their current peace to meditate.

"Glad to hear it, because we've been out of that winter wasteland for for hours and I swear I've _still_ got hoarfrost in crevices I didn't know I had until now!" Merry lamented, wincing as she rolled her neck. "I don't care if I almost drown from it, I need a hot bath _stat!"_ And with that, she snapped her reigns and urged the mammoth to a faster pace.

Xiao looked up in panic at the sudden acceleration. "Ah, no, wait! You can't do that, we can't ride this thing anymore! We need to walk from here on out!"

Merry looked down in confusion at the feathered girl. "The heck are you talking about? Why _wouldn't_ we ride this wooly lug all the way? I mean, there's nothing in our way! It's clean sailing all the—!"

" _BAROOOOOOH!"_

"—UWAH!?"

All of a sudden their mount not only stopped dead in its tracks but actually bucked forward in a blind panic, launching its riders from its back. Free of its restraints, the mammoth turned tail and stampeded its way back towards its natural habitat as fast as its bulky mass allowed.

"Argh, sonnuva—!" Zoro winced as he sat up, rubbing the back of his skull. The swordsman shot an accusatory glare at the crew's helmsgirl. "What the heck, Merry?! What happened to 'clean sailing', huh?!"

"Uwah, nonono, it wasn't her fault!" Xiao hastily reassured him, waving her free hand desperately. "It's my fault! I didn't think to tell you guys about the barrier sooner, I'm really sorry!"

The three-swords master looked at her with a confused grunt. "'Barrier'? What are you—?"

" _Ughhhh…"_

A miserable moan from Chopper drew Zoro and Merry's attention. The human-reindeer had a pained grimace on his face as he clamped his hands over his nose.

" _She must be talking about the smell…"_ Chopper choked out, disgust clogging his every word. " _It feels like someone shoved red hot pokers up my nostrils it hurts so much…"_

"Uh-huh," Xiao nodded, bearing an apologetic expression. "They're called Daft Greens; they're trees that smell really bad, so they drive all the scary monsters away from the village. In fact, they stink so bad that they drive animals away before they even see them!" She paused after that statement, thoughtfully cocking her head. "…Oh, yeah, and they're poisonous, too."

"MENTION THAT FIRST!" the Straw Hats all roared at once.

"Ah, n-not right away I mean!" the girl hastily explained. "Th-The thing is, they're—! I-I mean that they, w-well…" Xiao trailed off and bowed her head mournfully, holding the flower she was carrying to her chest. "It… It's complicated, alright?"

The anger the Straw Hats felt melted away at the sudden shift in her demeanor, and after some swift and silent communication, elected to let the matter drop.

"Well!" Merry clapped her hands. "If we can smell those things, then that means that we're a stone's throw away! Come on, guys! Let's suck in our guts and hop to it, yeah?"

"Hmph." " _Right!"_ "…"

Two of the three answers were as expected, but the third had Merry looking around in confusion. "Eh? Where the heck's Leo?"

"Uh…" Leaning around merry, Xiao quickly spotted and pointed out the dugong. "Ah, there he is!" She let out a whistle. "And he's still holding that pose!"

"That is some pretty impressive meditation," Zoro said sincerely. He waited for a few seconds and then nodded. "Didn't react to me saying that, _very_ impressive meditation."

"Unless _you're_ willing to _carry_ him to the village, you'll still need to snap him out of it," Merry huffed, leaning over the Dugong and poking him repeatedly in the cheek. "Because in case you've forgotten, he's _your_ punching bag, so if you seriously expect me to be the one to haul his blubbery ass, you've got another thing—!"

 _Squish._

Merry froze as she realized she'd missed in her poking, and instead of putting her finger in the amphibian's jowl, she'd put it in his _eye_ instead. "Ah… whoops?"

[GAH!]

Leo suddenly shot up with a pained shriek, clutching his face in agony. [MY EYE! _AGH! MY NOOOOSE!]_ A second after that, his flippers move to his nose, before shoving his snarling face in Merry's bemused one. [YOU LITTLE BRAT, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!? I WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE THIS DAMN STENCH AND NOW I'M SUFFERING WORSE THAN EVER! I DEMAND COMPENSATION, YOU HEAR ME!? COM-PEN—!]

"We've found somewhere where we should be absolutely safe from those monsters for a while," Merry calmly said.

[—pleasure doing business with you, which way did you say this safe haven where I could sleep for a thousand years was?] Leo cleanly segued.

Merry chuckled in childlike amusement at the reversal before turning on her heel and heading right past Leo. More specifically, right back the way they came.

"…I was wondering how much of Zoro rubbed off on her," Chopper muttered.

Proving that she had very good hearing, Merry froze, spun on her heel, and stormed past them in the correct direction, her face red and expression daring anyone to comment. That didn't stop Leo and Chopper from snickering behind the appendages that were already clamped over their noses. She stopped before Zoro for a moment so that she could shoot a rabid snarl at him, and continued on without looking back.

The first mate blinked after her in confusion before looking back at the rest of the crew. "Someone wanna tell me what that was about?"

" _I'll tell you later…"_ Chopper sighed with a wave of his hoof as he walked past, and then glanced aside. " _Or maybe never…"_ he muttered under his breath. " _Yeah, never's better."_

Zoro just shrugged and followed after them, Leo bringing up the rear.

[You think some of the rest of the crew will be there?] the Dugong asked.

"Let's hope so," Chopper said fervently. "The sooner we're all back together, the better."

 **-One Hour Later-**

"Not quite what I had in mind,] Leo and Chopper deadpanned as the usual two-thirds of the Monster Trio got into another spar. An unrestrained spar, mind you, thanks to the majority of the crew—minus Mikey and Usopp, who'd elected to stay behind and keep resting—having relocated to a hill a good distance away from the village to keep themselves away from Shiki's prying, invertebrate-borne eyes.

"Well, at least the last week is keeping them from pushing themselves too hard," Merry said, shaking her head. An explosion of utterly innocent earth drew a slight twitch from her gaze. "…to a point, anyway."

Chopper sighed, turning his attention back to the chemistry set he'd set up between his legs. "I'll worry about them later; for now, I need to work this out." Holding up a triple-sealed test tube, he scrutinized the verdant twig resting inside. "If Daft Green is the only defense against those animals, then it's best I make sure we don't get poisoned in the process. Though…" The human-reindeer's frown deepened as he put down the test tube and held up a beaker, this one containing a unique pink flower. "I'd really prefer it if I had a larger sample size of the cure…"

"Ah, Chopper?" Conis said, tentatively poking him in the shoulder. "Sorry for bothering you, but if you have the time, would you mind taking a look at, well…" She flapped her larger than normal wings for emphasis. "Me?"

"Are you currently in agonizing pain and/or dying?" the reindeer absently asked without looking up from his work.

Said work was promptly interrupted by a white paw clamping down on the vial of daft green, and a snarling vulpine muzzle in his face. [Rethink that prognosis, doc,] Su hissed. [Before I shove this devil-stick clean into your _brain.]_

Chopper shivered at the cloud fox's tone, before sagging with a defeated sigh. "I… I'm sorry, Conis, that just slipped out…" He started to knead the bridge of his nose, wincing. "This last week has been… hard."

"I know, I know, it's… well, not fine, but I understand," Conis soothed, rubbing the doctor's back. "It's not even that I'm worried they're dangerous or anything like that, they're just kind of in the way right now. I just really wish I knew how to make my wings smaller and compact like they were befo—"

 _FWUMP!_

As fast as they had grown, her wings shrank back to their original cosmetic form, and Conis staggered, almost losing her balance. Everyone blinked in confusion.

"…Psychosomatic trigger, got it," Conis said flatly.

"When this mess is over, we _will_ need to look into that," Chopper groused, shaking his head. "But for now…" He held up the beaker and tube again, superimposing one over the other. "I need to figure out _how_ the IQ serves to neutralize the Daft Green's miasma. Seriously, it can't be _that_ … hard… if…" Chopper eyes widened in realization, his voice slowly trailing off into silence.

"Chopper?" Conis asked gently after a few moments.

"I am a Luffy-grade _moron,"_ the human-reindeer breathed.

[Well, yeah, but what does that have to do with— _WAH!]_ Thrown off when Chopper suddenly shifted into his Walk Point and shot off like a cloven bullet, the fox blinked after him and then looked up at her human in confusion. [The heck was that about?]

Conis sighed as she picked her old friend up. "I wish I knew, Su, I wish I knew…"

 **-o-**

"—and so, much like other languages, small marks can make all the difference in the symbol's pronunciation and meaning, as can the variations of the arches forming—"

"That will do for now," Robin interrupted as they reached the entrance to the fortress. The princess sagged slightly in relief, an honest smile on both of their faces; for all that Robin was scarily strict, both of them were happy about the learning.

That did nothing to ease the worries of their companions that Robin might try to rope them into it as well if they made the mistake of showing an iota of interest. Which, in all honesty, all three of them _did_ possess. When Robin knocked at the door of the fortress, though, they all shoved that interest down as deep as they could.

Their wait was brief; the door opened about a foot, and a thuggish individual showed his face, took one look at them, and made to slam it in their faces. He didn't get far; Robin had arms blooming on his body, bending his fingers backwards and covering his mouth before he could so much as _twitch_. Her move to open the door wider proved superfluous, as a second thug yanked it open, brandishing a large sword at her. The others readied themselves, Robin herself growing several arms over him and Vivi opening her mouth, but a sound of splattering liquid, not unlike blood being spilled, prompted both of them to wait.

At the same time as that noise reached them, they saw the thugs' expressions go wide in shock and panic. Then, just as quickly, all emotion left their faces and their bodies slumped where they stood, nearly falling over from the new slackness.

It was obvious to any experienced eye that someone had just taken them out from behind. But Robin and Vivi recognized much more than that, causing a smirk to crawl over the elder's face, and a grimace over the younger's.

"Well, now, this is a pleasant surprise," Robin said calmly. "I suppose I should have realized that we would be crossing paths again soon, but I did not expect it to be under these circumstances."

"Likewise," came an even voice from behind the thugs. "But it's good to see that you haven't lost your touch, Miss All Sunday."

The voice's owner stepped past the mindless thugs and came into view. Franky and Brook both blinked at the girl before them, dressed in a fancy, white, tomboyish outfit, but Donny put together the pieces immediately from the use of the codename and, much more glaringly, the palette and paintbrush she was carrying. Paying them no mind, the girl cocked an eyebrow at Vivi.

"You could stand to be faster on the draw, Miss Wednesday," she said blandly.

"Nice to see you too, Miss Goldenweek," Vivi bit out, doing her level best to obliterate the diminutive assassin with her glare. "Dare I ask what you're doing here?"

"Right this way," Goldenweek hummed serenely in response, waving the Straw Hats inside, though not before she took out her paintbrush again and scribbled symbols on the backs of the men's heads.

Robin cocked an eyebrow at the symbols as she passed. "Forgetful Fuchsia, if I'm not mistaken?"

"Amnestic Aubergine," the painter corrected. "I've been getting a lot of practice with it lately, and it never ceases to be a good thing. It would be inconvenient if anyone finds out you're here."

"At least there's _some_ benefit to working with you…" Vivi sighed in reluctant approval.

While Robin and Vivi walked in, Franky, Brook and Donny all hung back and exchanged confused glances.

"You ever feel like a heaping heck of a lot of context just went right over your head?" Franky asked.

"Well, to be fair, I _am_ half a century behind the times!" Brook noted. "But yes, I felt that as well."

[Honestly, I say we just go with what you said earlier: _women,]_ Donny sighed, shrugging helplessly.

[Just shaddup and follow us, already,] Carue called back from further down the hall, prompting the trio to scramble after everyone else.

The building that they entered was a three story hall filled with bars and sturdy wooden tables. Light came from the many elegant lanterns hanging from the ceilings, creating a homey, classic tavern-type atmosphere. This picture was only enhanced by the rambunctious groups of men—most of them looking like well-dressed thugs—drinking and laughing at the tables. Young women clad in pink outfits with feathers on their arms moved between tables and took the men's orders or delivered food and drink.

Overall, it seemed like an ordinary banquet hall with an only slightly extraordinary clientele and staff. Though Robin's keen eyes noticed that Eternal Poses bearing the name 'Merveille' were on every table.

"What is this place…?" Vivi asked quietly, sticking to the shadows in an attempt to keep her distinctive hair from being noticed.

"Hell," Goldenweek answered. She then paused and glanced back at the frozen-in-shock Straw Hats. "That's what you call a gathering place of demons, yes?" She shrugged and started walking again. "Almost there."

The assassin led the group through the upper level of the hall, until they finally reached a booth tucked away in a corner, mostly out of sight of the room's general population.

"Got them," Goldenweek announced as she slipped into the booth, idly grabbing a rice-cracker off the table. "You were right, they _were_ close enough to find this place. It was a good call. Very surprising."

"Well, what can I say?" a familiar voice sneered from the shadows, causing Vivi to stiffen in shock. "I'm _all_ about being a contourarian kinda guy."

"Contrarian."

"That too!"

"Wait, you're—!?" the princess gasped.

"Well, well, well…" a cool and comported drawl interrupted her. "The Straw Hats have entered the building…"

"Which means that sanity can exit stage left! _Kyahahaha!"_ a far more chipper and manic voice laughed.

"Hehahaha!" the familiar voice cackled, and its owner drew the cover from the lamp's table to reveal a spike-toothed smirk. "Ain't that the truth!?"

The newly uncovered light source revealed more than that, of course. It allowed the Straw Hats to take in their impromptu hosts in all their uncharacteristically well-dressed glory: the Barto Club pirates themselves, or at least their top brass.

Mr. 5's outfit was hardly any different from how Robin and Vivi remembered, the only difference being the absence of his codename plastered all over. Miss Valentine was wearing a wider bottomed dress than they had last seen her in, patterned elegantly in yellow and black. The other young girl was wearing a black, ankle-length cheongsam with a golden dragon embroidered into it. And lastly, the gaunt man that none of them knew by sight was wearing a three-piece suit that clearly had not been tailored well.

The captain wore a yellow-and-orange pinstriped suit with ankle-length tails, a bolo tie with a silver clasp and inset lapis stone, and a dark red shirt. He was the only one that all of them recognized, and that was only because they knew the sharp-toothed grin and green hair—vaguely resembling a rooster's comb—from his wanted poster. The only surprise they found, given what little they knew of him, was that he was staying remarkably calm for meeting his idols in person, and was even displaying his usual bravado.

Bartolomeo nodded at the princess with a cocky smirk. "Glad to see you're still in one piece, Copperhead."

Vivi blinked in surprise, then pulled up a seat and collapsed into it with a weary sigh. "Glad to _be_ in one piece, Rooster," she groaned. "This place has been doing its level best to rip us apart at every turn…"

"Huh?!" Franky glanced in confusion between the princess and the other pirate. "You saying you guys know each other or something?"

"Somewhat," Robin provided in her usual mysterious tone. "He's a friend of a friend of Cross's. I imagine I don't need to tell you to not mention this to anyone else, yes?"

"Uh… yeah, if you say so, I guess," Franky shrugged.

"Yohohoho, whatever you say! Though if I could receive some compensation for my discre—URK!" Brook choked as a hand took hold of his jawbone. "On ffekn' ffot, Ah'nng 'ood!"

Donny barked something out, waving a flipper in front of his muzzle.

"'I'm perfectly content being a pugilistic scholar, leave me out of your shadow-politicking.' That's what he said," the other girl provided politely. She then smiled and waved in greeting. "By the way, I'm Apis. Nice to meet you all!"

"Gin," the gaunt man provided, grimacing as he tugged at the collar of his suit. "Don't worry about not knowing me, you all joined way after I met your captain."

"While with others, their acquaintance with our crew was more…" Robin spun her hand thoughtfully. "Let's go with _recent."_

"Five. Valentine," Vivi stated frigidly.

"Oh, come on, don't be like that. It almost sounds like you hold a grudge," Five drawled grumpily.

"Yeah!" Valentine leaned forward and smirked impishly, resting her chin in the propped up palm of her hand. "You shouldn't address your superiors so glibly, Miss _Wednesday!"_

 _Thunk!_

Both assassins recoiled in shock when Vivi suddenly sank the tip of one of her Lion Cutters into the tabletop with a twitching grin. "First off, you will _address me_ as Princess Nefertari Vivi," Vivi grit out. "Secondly, apart from the fact that I never _truly_ considered myself to be a member of your organization, I'd like to remind the both of you that I can and _will_ cut you."

"And third…" The ex-assassins stiffened as they felt a sensation they were far too familiar with by half. "I believe that if we're going by our old positions, I would count as _your_ superior, no?"

"Barty—!" Valentine whimpered plaintively around the hand that lightly gripping her windpipe, eyes locked on the knife Robin was smoothly flipping around her hand.

"Don't look at me, you dipshits dug this hole, you can dig yourselves out," Bartolomeo grunted, visibly more interested in the finger he was using to dig through his ear. Pulling it out, he smirked at the rest of the Straw Hats who were unfamiliar with him, taking the chance to polish his nails on his jacket. "And as for me, I'm 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo. Worth ฿350 Million, one of the most infamous rookies on the sea—" He flashed a pointy grin at the Straw Hats. "And a _personal_ friend of Monkey D. Luffy and Jeremiah—!"

 _THUNK!_ "YEOW!"

Barty abruptly transitioned into a cry of pain due to the fork Goldenweek sank into his leg without even looking at him. "WHAT THE HELL, BRAT, I WASN'T EVEN FLIPPING OUT!" he roared at his diminutive crewmate.

"No, you were just being an ass," Goldenweek hummed around her cracker.

"You little—!" Barto snarled, reaching for her throat.

" _Rooster,"_ Vivi emphasized with a slap of her hand on the table, getting the captain's attention back on her. "What the hell is this place, and what the hell are _you_ doing here?!"

Barty shot one last side glare at his underling before donning a cocky smirk and raising his arms to gesture at the room of criminals and villains around them. "Ain't it obvious, Princess? This here's one of the many gathering spots the great pirate, 'Golden Lion' Shiki, has set up in his hideout of Merveille for the fifty _other_ pirate crews he's recruited to join in a grand alliance, which he's personally heading up. And as for me? Weeeell…" Barto leaned back, arms sprawled behind his chair, and proudly raised his chin. "You're speaking to the newly recruited commander of his _51st_ division, thank you very much."

Vivi's eyes widened in shock. "You _infiltrated_ his ranks?"

"Not like I had much of a fucking choice!" Barty snarled, leaning forward on his elbow. "He's _Shiki!_ The man fought Roger, for cripes' sake. When he says you're his new commander, you damn well act as his commander! And, well…" He winced and glanced aside, rubbing the back of his neck. "I thought it'd be a good way to try and find you guys and get some intel for the Masons, ya know?"

"Well, you're sitting in front of another Mason now, so what do you know?" Vivi pressed.

Bartolomeo's face darkened, and Gin spoke up.

"If Shiki didn't have a complete ban on bringing snails into this place, we'd have every alarm bell ringing," the old Demon of the East said grimly. "But even if he's loose-lipped about his plans to anyone here, he's got enough brains to take that precaution. Any snail comes into Merveille, he locks it down tight. Total communications blackout. That's the only reason…" Gin slammed his fist on the table with a grim glare. "The only reason the East Blue isn't being evacuated as fast as possible."

The reactions to _that_ particular tidbit were as expected: pallor, rage, and hatred.

"Shiki's behind the attacks on the East Blue—" Franky began, his lips twitching into a scowl.

Robin's eyes narrowed dangerously. "—and he's been using these monsters to pull it off—"

"—and now he's gathered all of these crews together to form a traditional army to make matters even worse," Brook finished, teeth audibly grinding.

"More than just that," Vivi snarled, 5 and Valentine and even Goldenweek edging away from the livid princess despite the fact she was gnawing on her thumb. "This kind of an army… his sights are set higher than just the East Blue, aren't they?"

"'First the East Blue, and then the world'," Apis repeated grimly into her juice. "That's what he said when he recruited us. And with his powers keeping his army out of anyone's reach until they start attacking, and those beasts acting as a vanguard to break any forces that oppose him, there's nothing anyone down there can do about it."

"But the Lion made two big mistakes," Bartolomeo cut in, his grin as savage as ever. "The first was not noticing that our crew was from the East Blue. All he saw was us attacking a Celestial Dragon and getting away with it. And the second mistake?"

He threw back his head and cackled. "HEHAHAHAHAHA! He was actually _braindead stupid enough_ to not only declare war on the Straw Hat Pirates by stealing one of their own, he brought them to this place himself! Oh, sure, he's a monster in combat, no denying that, but my money's still on you guys."

"Naturally, he's going to regret challenging us. But before that, we need to find the rest of the crew," Brook said, most likely poking up a finger behind the shades of his 'hat'. "As you all have access to the video feeds of the archipelago, would you know of our compatriots' current locations?"

"Kinda yes, kinda no," Valentine sigh explosively as she sank down in her seat. "We've been given a frontrow seat to the pummelings you've all been giving and taking, yes, but you're all moving way too fast for us to pin down. One day or even minute you're in one biome, the next you've shoved off to another. Trying to go based off of the feeds would just mean we end up where your friends _were_ and nothing more."

"But thankfully," Five picked up in his usual drawl. "We've managed to find a different solution we think will work just as well."

"And that's where I come in! YO!" Barto barked, hand raised. "CAN I GET SOME DAMN SERVICE OVER HERE?!"

A passing young woman with a red ponytail and the same feathered arms as the rest of the 'wait staff' looked over at the call, and began making her way towards them. "Greetings folks, my name's Ever and I'll be your waitress. How may I help you this fine evening?" she asked with a smile.

Vivi cocked an eyebrow. "Impressive. It took me years to learn how to hide that kind of hate that well."

Ever responded with a more honest smile and her fingers in a v-sign. "Thanks, and don't worry, it's directed more at my 'employers' and the words, not you guys. Barty and his guys have literally been the nicest folks we've met around here in years. It's just a bit hard to turn it off sometimes. Seriously, how can I help?"

Standing, Brook leaned in close to the waitress. "Well, first," he said, looking her up and down. "Would you mind showing me your panties?"

A vein popped to life on Ever's forehead, and she leaped elegantly into the air. "NO WAY, CREEP!" she snapped, slamming an axe kick down on Brook's head that slammed him to the ground and dislodged the basket he had been wearing.

"Ohhh… you kicked my face off," Brook moaned, raising his head.

"Yeah, and I'll damn well do it again if you try… something… like… that…"

Ever's eyes widened as she got a good look at Brook's face, a feeling that was reflected by the majority of the Barto Club.

"But then!" Brook continued with rising mirth. "It's not like I have a face to begin with! YOHOHOHO!" He then blinked—somehow—in confusion when he realized that a good fifteen-foot radius had gone dead silent. "Uh… is everything alright?"

The only response he got was Goldenweek's rice cracker falling from her slack jaws.

"Brook, have you looked in the mirror anytime within the last 50 years?" Franky deadpanned.

"Hm? A mirror? Why? Is there something wrong with my face?" Brook asked, picking up a glass and looking into his reflection. He stared for a second before recoiling in horror. "UWAH! OH DEAR GOD NO!"

{What, is something wrong?} Donny signed in concern.

"Oh, it's terrible, just terrible!" Brook pointed at his eye-holes. "I'm starting to go yellow around my orbital sockets! Now how will I get all the hot young skeletons to love me?!"

 _WHAM!_

Vivi, Franky, Carue, and Donny all face-planted out of their seats. Robin remained more composed, but her palm still met her face, though that didn't muffle the fond chuckle.

"What," Gin managed, eyes wide.

"In," Mr. 5 continued, in much the same condition.

"The," Miss Valentine picked up.

"Actual," Apis squeaked.

"Everloving!" Ever choked out.

"SHIT?!" Goldenweek shrieked at full blast.

Bartolomeo snapped his fingers. "AHEM!" he coughed, all eyes turning back to him. "As funny as this is to watch, Ever, I need you to fill these guys in on the local safe places."

"Wha—? Captain, are you seriously not going to react to—?" Apis started to protest.

Rolling his eyes, Bartolomeo crossed his fingers, and the words "DEVIL FRUIT" traced themselves on the table in big block letters. "Anyway…" Giving Apis and his other two ability-using officers one last disdainful look, which got them blushing and looking every which way but at him, he turned to the waitress. "Ever, we didn't call you here just for more drinks. Tell these guys what you told us."

The feather-armed young woman blinked in surprise at the request, then coughed into her fist and hastily comported herself. "W-Well, as you most likely noticed on your way here, the only areas safe from Shiki's modified monsters are the ones protected by barriers of Daft Green trees. Besides here, I only know of two places where the Daft Greens are planted: Shiki's palace, which is where your friend Nami is—"

"Saving that for once we've got everyone back together," Vivi cut in.

"—and my home village. It's at the lowest point of the archipelago, so that Shiki can literally reign over everyone. Your friends have been moving down and towards the main island this entire time, so they _should_ find it sooner or later. We haven't seen them yet, mind…" Ever pointed out several projections on the wall, which displayed a perfectly normal village, save for the feathers on everyone's arms. "But then, the surveillance on our home isn't exactly subtle. I'm certain that if they are there, they're just staying out of sight of the snails."

Vivi frowned in both confusion and concern. "Wait, you mean to say that Shiki's maintaining surveillance on your village? Why?"

Ever shrugged helplessly. "Beats me. The only people Shiki's left back home are the children and elderly. Some of us think he's showing us a mercy by letting us keep an eye on our loved ones, but… well. You've met him."

"That I have…" the princess muttered in agreement, eyes darting back and forth in thought. She considered for a minute longer before shaking her head and standing up. "Well, I guess I'll go ahead and check out that village; with Carue, I can get there and back faster than the rest of you. I'll find out what I can while I'm there."

{I'll go with you,} Donny signed as he waddled to her side. {I've been without my siblings and master for a week and for some Set-damned reason I _miss them._ Sooo I'd rather see if any of them have found their way to the village than stay here, sitting on my tail and twiddling my flippers…} His expression then fell flat. {And so help me, if you ever tell any of them I said that I missed them, I will _stab_ you.}

"Noted," Vivi chuckled.

"We'll stay here, then, gather more intel and try to put together a plan while we wait for you to get back," Franky said.

"You have fun out there, try not to get eaten on the way," Robin added, a winning smile on her face. "After all, you will be riding around out there on a tasty duck, so the chances of you being swallowed alive are quite substantial. But still, happy thoughts, right?"

Vivi smiled back innocently. "Robin, I'll keep thinking happy thoughts while you **soak your head."**

"Oh, come now, surely you don't mean—!" _SPLASH!_ "— _blurgh!?"_

Blinking stupidly, Robin tracked her hand as it put down the now-empty glass that it had just splashed in her face.

[Aaaaand I'm out. Move it, blubber-butt,] Carue quacked, walking away with Vivi and Donny following close behind.

Robin stared after the princess, frowning slightly, before shaking her head with a bemused smile, gratefully accepting a small towel from Ever. "Mmm… so, new outfits?" she asked, clearly looking for a way to change the subject.

"Eh, it's a momentous occasion for the Golden Ass," Barto shrugged. "After nightfall, all the crews are going to join Shiki at his palace for an allegiance ceremony, and he wants everyone to look their best."

"I could do without it," Gin grumbled, uncomfortably shifting around in his ill-fitting outfit. "I just grabbed the first thing I saw in his tailor's quarters that looked right. Didn't bother to get it fitted…"

"We can get you some too, if you want!" Ever offered eagerly. "The tailor is so overloaded with orders that he won't notice if I slipped a few extra orders in. Though…"She frowned in concern, tapping her chin thoughtfully. "We'd still need the measurements for the rest of your crewmates, so, I guess that's a—"

"Here you go."

Ever blinked in surprise at the disembodied hand currently offering her a folded up piece of paper, but she took it in stride, unfolded it, and then nearly fell over in shock when she read what was written _on_ it. "What the—!? These are measurements for your entire crew! How and why on earth do you have these on hand!?"

Robin's response was a very wide, very _disturbing_ grin, accompanied by an equally disturbing chuckle. "Weeeeell—"

"On second thought, I don't wanna know!" the feather-armed woman frantically pleaded off. "I-I'll just go ahead and get this to the tailor, so that you all can look your best as you kick Shiki's ass! Good luck to you all!"

But before the waitress could properly skedaddle, however, a mook rushed up to the table with a panicked expression. "B-Boss Bart! We've got a major problem!" the pirate hissed out, his eyes darting this way and that as if to spot hidden watchers.

In response, Bart scoffed and started picking his nose again, sending his underling an unimpressed look. "Buddy, we're balls deep in enemy territory and under the heel of one of the worst pirates in living memory. How the _hell_ could shit get any worse?"

Unnoticed by anyone else at the table, Robin brought her hand to her face, then several more.

"I, uh, well…" The underling glanced surreptitiously at Ever before leaning over the table to his captain and hissing something in Barto's ear as quietly as he could.

For his part, Barto nodded and grunted in understanding at the information. Then, all at once, he stiffened as though struck by lightning.

"SHIKI'S GOING TO DO _WHAT!?"_

 **-o-**

The sound of flatulence rose from rubber soles with each step Dr. Indigo took towards the pool room. The not-so-good doctor intended to surreptitiously gather some data about the bird that he had left with the prisoner—er, new recruit. After all, just because he couldn't take it away by his captain's orders didn't mean he couldn't still observe it. It wouldn't be particularly _productive_ observation, not when he was looking to build a better killing machine and those women only saw a probably-cute animal, but at least he would find out what the creature did when left to its own devices with constant human contact.

Upon entering the room, his grinning face scanned the room in search of the peaducken (name pending). Unfortunately, it was nowhere to be seen. Nor, as he took in the entirety of the room, was the former Straw Hat. Paling beneath his makeup, his eyes turned toward the pool—

" _Horo horo horo horo horo horo horo…"_

And then snapped upward at the familiar haunting laughter of the other 'prisoner'. His pallor intensified when he did not see a young tanning goth girl, but instead three large, orb-shaped specters with childlike eyes and mouths. Well, except for the part where the mouths were grinning in blatant, naked malice.

" _Thanks for being such_ wonderful _hosts,"_ came Perona's taunting voice from the specters. " _But we've overstayed our welcome, so we're heading out now. But here's a parting gift for you. TRIPLE SPECIAL HOLLOW!"_

Indigo barely had time to even _begin_ deploying his fumes for Chemical Juggling before the specters completely swamped him. Only the sheer size of the palace kept anyone else from hearing the massive detonation that followed a moment later.

 **-o-**

"Clowns and mad scientists _like_ blowing up, right?" Perona snarked, fighting not to burst into laughter. She waited for someone else to do so in her place and sagged despondently when she realized that no one was around to do so.

"Maaan," she groused, spinning the spectral rendition of her parasol on her shoulder. "It really sucks not having an entourage around to laugh at my jokes anymore." The astral 'princess' cast a glare up and through the lake she was floating beside. "Where the heck _are_ they? It's not _that_ far from the drain to the castle, shouldn't they have been here by now?"

Sighing, Perona mentally gave it another minute and went back to taking in the landscape around her. She glanced at the coral coating the bed of the lake she was floating beside—a lake that defied gravity by essentially being a vertical wall—but she'd been examining that for most of the time she'd been waiting. She glanced down, towards the target island, with its caldera lake, green canopy, and the Thousand Sunny visible at the end of the scar in the jungle it had left, but it wasn't a very visually appealing island.

With little other choice, she turned back to the coral, and the gap Nami was supposed to come out of. Thankfully, a few more seconds the duck and the Straw Hat flew out of the hole, shooting straight for the edge of the lake. Perona flew up out of the way and heard a splash followed by the gasp of someone inhaling after a long time holding their breath. In seconds, she was beside Nami, flying down alongside the navigator, who was clinging to her plummeting mount's back.

"Enjoy the swim?" Perona shouted over the rushing wind.

"Shi— _hugh!—_ Shiki's got almost a mile of plumbing under his monument to his own ego, and my mount took three wrong turns in a row!" Nami shouted back, coughing up a lungful of water halfway through. "If I weren't such a good swimmer, I'd have drowned twice over!"

"Yeah, well, you're in luck, because you can recover and dry off once we get back to the Sunny!" Perona said, beamed ecstatically as she pointed up. Or down, rather, seeing as she was floating downward head first. "Shiki must not be paying attention to where he lets the islands float, because we're falling straight towards your ship!"

"Really!?" Nami gasped happily. "Oh, man, that's great! Hey, duck!" She tapped the back of her mount's head. "Pull up! We're close to… my… uh, duck? Duck!" She rapped his head hard, and paled when he failed to even twitch. "Ooooh crap."

Perona righted herself, sending Nami a look of concern. "What's wrong?"

The navigator cursed colorfully under her breath as she tried to shake her mount awake. "Damn damn _damn!_ _I'm_ a good swimmer, but ducky here isn't! He must have conked out after the last turn!"

"Ooooh… yikes," the zombie princess winced sympathetically. "Well, look on the bright side: At least your landing won't be _too_ hard."

"Huh?" Nami blinked at Perona in confusion. "What are you—?"

 _SPLASH!_

"— _BLURGH!?"_

" _That's_ what I'm talking about," Perona giggled to herself as she stopped _just_ short of the water-filled caldera, while Nami and her ride slammed face-first into it. Once the giggling subsided, the ghost girl peered through the water. "Wow, I'm honestly surprised! Even after a fall that high, it looks like she's gonna be okay."

Perona's schadenfreude-enforced smirk faded fast, her pallid demeanor lightening even further as a group of very large beasts, partly shadowed by the surface of the water, heading straight for Nami. "She'll… probably be okay?" she hesitantly corrected.

 _ **KRZZZZZZZT!**_

The sudden explosion of lightning, and the accompanying flash of light, prompted Perona to wince and shield her eyes. When she lowered her hand, the aquatic beasts surfaced, and Perona readied Negative Hollows almost reflexively before recognizing that that shock had done all that was needed; they were no longer among the living. She stared for a few moments at the corpses, and then the duck emerged from the water, perched on what remained of the least fortunate of the attackers, merely a skeleton, and squawked triumphantly.

"That was a shock," Perona most certainly did _not_ say. What she _did_ do was grin and pump her fists triumphantly. "But now Nami's definitely okay!"

The fresh bravado lasted long enough for both she and the duck looked around, and their jaws dropped in horror at the sight of her body floating nearby. _Face-down._ "Maybe, _maybe_ okay," Perona choked out.

The duck, to his credit, reacted instantly. In a matter of seconds, he had flown over to Nami, taken her in his talons, and carried her to the shore, her limbs skimming the water as he flew.

Perona followed. By the time she caught up, the duck had placed Nami down on the rock and was pacing nervously, then gingerly poked her with his beak. She stirred slightly, and the duck let out a squawk of joy. Then, in a move that was an inadvisable but not unsound leap of logic, he began pecking her much more insistently and forcefully.

"CUT THAT OUT!" Nami roared, sending the duck flying almost to the other end of the crater with her punch.

"Okay, yeah, you're okay," Perona slumped with a relieved sigh.

"Almost— _ugh…—_ wasn't…" Nami hacked miserably, massaging her throat. "What the heck happened?…and why do I smell _toast,_ of all things?"

Slowly, Perona pointed her finger at the paradoxically sheepish duck. "Yellow bill boy here saved your bacon by frying the things coming up to munch on you. Your fault for not being naturally resistant to electricity."

The navigator snapped a paralyzing glare at the electro-fowl, freezing him in place. Tersely, "On the one hand, I _really_ feel like knocking your bill into your brain for _almost killing me_ twice in a row."

The duck flinched and began waving its wings about, quacking frantically. That quacking shifted into a squawk of surprise when Nami threw her arms around his neck and brought him into a hug.

"On the other hand, I am _so freaking happy_ to be out of that hellhole, and it's all thanks to you!" Nami laughed in relief. "So thank you _soooo_ much!"

The duck smiled widely and, with a pleased squawk, returned the affection and hug.

After a few minutes, Nami let go, and she turned her smile on Perona, only this time with more of an edge to the expression. "And now that we're out… you said that this is the island the Sunny is on?"

"More than that, this is the _mountain_ your ship's on!" Perona replied with an equally vicious grin. "It's this way, on the slope! Come on, let's go! I want to get back in my body as soon as possible." And with that, the astral girl swooped off and over the lip of the caldera, with the duck carrying Nami close behind.

The second the duck crested the edge and Nami laid eyes on the Thousand Sunny, her face lit up with joy and relief. Jumping off the duck's back, she took off down the mountain, though she slowed her careening run at the explosions that blossomed in the forest to her left. And she stopped completely, just in sight of the Sunny, when a handful of familiar figures came out of the forest, heading for the other side. They abruptly came to a halt as they saw the familiar form of their ship. One of them fell to his knees, his hands raised in triumph—

" _ **HAAAA-LLELUJA! HAAAA-LLELUJA! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! HALLE-E-ELUJA!"**_

With the loudest of them on his shoulder providing a very loud but undeniably beautiful soundtrack.

"And here I thought that that snail didn't have any good taste at all," Perona muttered.

"I should care more about that, but honestly, I'm a little preoccupied with the fact that they're actually here! LUFFY! CROSS! BOSS!" Nami shouted in joy, waving her arms over her head.

The trio snapped their heads in her direction, and even from so far away, Nami still knew that they were all beaming with just as much exuberance. "Nami!" Cross's voice laughed in relief, the blond collapsing onto his ass as the energy seemed to drain out of him. "Oh maaan, you have no idea how stupidly relieved I am to see you again!"

As if on cue, the omnipresent sounds of roaring animals and snapping foliage suddenly intensified, and before anyone could react three massive, bearded scorpions, with carapaces in blue-black, grey-black, and red-black, shoved aside some trees, claws clacking. Then, not ten feet from that group, a massive, scarred, rotund lion with short stubby legs and sharp, not-stubby-at-all fangs bowled over some more trees, flopping onto its feet and roaring. And on the other side, a massive toad with a grey, pebbly hide that just _screamed_ durable came crashing out of the canopy, accompanied by a loud croak.

By contrast, the oversized komodo dragon that barreled in five seconds later was almost _normal_. Except there was crazed look in its eyes that it shared with the other five animals, and the drool dripping out of its mouth caused hissing smoke to rise above where it dripped onto the forest floor.

Regardless, all six took one look at the humans in the clearing, intensified their respective noises, and then dipped their heads and charged.

Cross moaned and let his head hang. "…these bastards, not so much."

"Uuuurgh…" Boss groaned, falling onto his flippers. "Normally, I'd show off some more machismo and help you with dusting our lunch… but at this point, we're exhausted and you look fresh, any chance you could fry them for us?"

The smirk Nami adopted would have sent any sane being diving off the edge of the island. Less painful that way. "Oh, you have _no idea,"_ she purred, assembling her Clima-Tact as fast as blinking and deploying a mass of iron cloud. That mass of strands quickly bunched up into a ball behind Nami. "You're going to want to get out of the way, because this one's brand new! Divine—!"

"GrrrrRRRRAGH! _ENOUGH!"_

Nami halted mid-attack at Luffy's incensed bellow. She wasn't the only one, either. The cavalcade of monstrosities, so eager two seconds before, all hit the brakes, some tumbling as their legs locked up and the front runners shoved forward by the beasts behind running into them.

Having known the rubber man for as long as she had, Nami could tell the yell was more out of frustration boiling over than actual anger. Not unexpected, considering what they must have been going through over the last week, but why would he ask her to stop? One blast and they'd have some peace and—

"WE'VE BEEN CHASED ALL OVER THESE ISLANDS FOR _DAYS!"_ Luffy roared, glaring hellfire at the oncoming beasts as he marched towards them with his fist strangling his pipe. "WE'VE FINALLY FOUND OUR FRIENDS, OUR HOME, AND WE _BEAT ALL OF YOU!_ YOU LOST, WE WON! NOW GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEADS, AND _LEAVE!"_

Luffy took one more step toward the small horde, causing them to try and frantically backpedal.

" _US!"_

Another step—no, a _stomp,_ this one shattering the earth beneath the captain's feet.

" _ **ALONE!"**_

Luffy's roar hit its peak on that final word, and the air _rippled._ A wave of _force_ slammed clean into Nami, stealing the breath from her lungs and sending her stumbling back. It… It was like the few times Vivi had accidentally snared her while practicing her Sovereign's Will, but at the same time… at the same time it was so much _more._ If it weren't for her staff, she would have fallen to her knees or even collapsed outright as the hazy image of a gargantuan beast imposed itself— _crushed itself_ —into her mind's eye.

After a minute, the pressure eased enough for her to stand upright and look around. What she saw sent a chill over her body; Perona was nowhere to be seen, the duck had collapsed out cold beside her with foam coming out of his slack beak, Cross was slumped over and barely supporting himself on Boss, Soundbite's shell foaming on his shoulder… and most importantly, the three giant scorpions and their entourage were collapsed on the ground, dead to the world with more foam practically flowing from their mouths.

It took a few seconds, but Nami's mind eventually rebooted, and threw up a seemingly random memory. A memory of everyone sharing their tales of battle from Enies Lobby once they'd returned to Water Seven.

A memory of Cross sharing his knowledge of Kings and Conquerors.

 _That_ memory shook the last of the weakness out of her legs, and she sprinted down the slope to regroup with her friends as fast as possible. "Cross!" she gasped out when she arrived, swapping her gaze between the tactician and her captain. "Was that—!?"

"AH!" Luffy yelped, recoiling in shock at the sight of his crewmates' haggard expressions. "What the—!? Did I do that to you guys!? I'm so—!"

"Luffy!" Cross interrupted in a choked voice, visibly fighting to keep his head on straight and his gaze at least somewhat on target. "That feeling, w-whatever you felt just now, the anger, the rage, I-I-I don't know, I don't care, y-you, you need to… you need to remember it. Hold onto it. Th-Th-That _feeling._ Because what you just did…" Cross's dizzied expression slowly grew into a massive, mad grin. "That was a boot… _clean_ _through_ the door… of the Conqueror's throne room."

" _Hail TO_ **THE KING** _ **baby…"**_ Soundbite gurgled through his own foam.

"Yeah, that was really cool and awesome and manly, and I _really_ want to see you learn to get it under control…" Boss wheezed, shaking his head in an attempt to clear the fog from his mind. "Just, don't practice it too close to us, until you're a heck of a lot better at controlling your range, would you? Feels like someone reached through my shell to clock my skull."

Luffy flinched, visibly unsure how to respond. Nami was more than a little shaken herself, but she gathered herself together enough to fall back on what never failed to distract Luffy.

"Hey, Luffy? How do you think those things taste?"

The rubber-man's face lit up, and he charged over to the nearest scorpion. Cross shot her a relieved smile, especially now that he could stand on solid legs, which she returned.

"It'll be nice to enjoy a meal _without_ worrying about something charging at us partway through," Boss nodded in agreement, cracking his neck back and forth in an effort to unstiffen his too-worn muscles.

"Food later, rest now," Lassoo suddenly wheezed, shoving himself off of his wielder's back and flopping to the ground in a boneless heap, his tongue lolling out of his maw. "Cross, drop us off on the Sunny before you do anything else, would you? I've got dire urge to whiz on a tree…"

Cross chuckled at the request, and drew his sword and cast it aside. "I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you feel the same way."

The elephant-sword grew to his full size and then promptly tumbled onto his side, a relieved bray coming from his trunk. "Ohh, you have _no_ idea. First, I'mma drink all the water I can handle. Then, eat as much untainted grass as I can stomach," Funkfreed said in tearful relief.

"Right up that way," Nami jabbed her thumb over her shoulder, up the mountainside. "There's a whole caldera up there filled with fresh water, you can gorge until you burst."

"Halle-frickin'-lujah!" Funkfreed cried, somehow finding the strength to right himself and charge up the mountain far faster than anything his size had the right to move.

"Ah, wait! Soundbite, if you could—?" Nami pointed after the elephant, and was rewarded with a crackle of static. "Funkfreed, on your way back down, grab the knocked-out duck! He's a friend of mine, and if it weren't for him, Shiki'd still have me!"

She got a wordless trumpet and a wave of the pachyderm's trunk for acknowledgement.

Nami nodded gratefully, then began looking around. "Now, where did Perona go?"

A scream like a banshee followed by a familiar astral form shooting from the crow's nest answered that. " _YOOOOOU!"_

Nami shook her head as she made tracks for the Sunny, her mind filling in the details long before Perona's livid and graffiti-covered form floated down to meet her.

"Is it _too much_ to ask that I might _rightfully punish_ someone for _violating my body_ while I was out of it?" she furiously demanded.

"Hey, you go right ahead and rip their psyche apart for all I care," Nami said placatingly, hands raised in surrender. "Just make sure they're breathing once you're finished."

" _No promises,"_ Perona snarled, shooting off in a blind and Hollow-shrouded rage.

Nami stared after her before slowly pinching the bridge of her nose. "Dare I even _ask_ who stayed here and watched over her body?"

"That'd be this blubber-arsed moron right here, ma'am," Boss stated flatly as he Rip Tide'd to her side, holding a slack and soaking Raphey by her tail. "Found her cowering in the fishtank."

"Don't let her get me, I don't wanna be a sea cucumbe-e-er…" Raphey wept.

Boss rolled his eyes. Tiredly, "I am too hungry and too sober for this shit. Tell you what." The dugong stabbed his cigar towards the insensate beasts. "De-meat the two scorpions our captain isn't on in less than half an hour and I won't toss your ass to your rightful comeuppance."

"Yessir, Master Boss sir!" Raphey barked, saluting while still upside-down.

"Get to it," Boss nodded, tossing her away. But before she could Riptide, he snapped his fingers, prompting her to turn her head. "And Raphey."

"S-Sir?"

Boss took a long, slow drag before breathing out a cloud of smoke. "…well done. You did your squad proud. Keep it up."

Raphey immediately beamed. "Yes _sir!"_ And with that she soared away to perform her task.

Nami let the green, brown and pink blur leave her sight before side-eyeing the older amphibian. "…I assume you meant the guard duty and not the graffitti?" Nami deadpanned.

Boss smirked and tilted the brim of his hat down. "Said what I meant, meant what I said. Take it how you will."

For a long while, Nami remained in that deadpan, sidelong expression. And then, out of the blue, she collapsed to her knees and dragged the dugong into a tight hug, burying her face in his skullplate.

"I missed you crazy bastards so damn much…" Nami sobbed into his hat.

Boss, frozen in surprise, let himself relax and returned the hug. "There there. Wasn't much fun without you either, ma'am," he replied, patting her shoulder comfortingly.

 **-o-**

Hearing those words and seeing Nami so relieved felt like getting stabbed in the heart with a knife made out of solid guilt. I couldn't hide the grimace that came over my face; it was just lucky that Soundbite was the only one who noticed it, although the slightly scared look on his face told me all I needed to know about my expression.

"Later, once this mess is over," I said quietly, making every attempt to mask the reminder of what was yet to come with the current situation and the implications thereof: Nami back, and Shiki yet to pay. It helped that it wasn't long before Nami broke the hug with Boss and came over to grab me up instead.

Memories of the same situation on another sky island ending with a tongue shoved down my throat made me twitch involuntarily, but I dismissed the sentiment just as fast and returned the hug with gusto.

"I am going to plant my greave in whatever the Monsters leave intact," I swore quietly.

"And Chopper and I will be right there alongside you backing you up," Nami chuckled back. "Monsters and Demons, I know, I know… but still…" Nami released me and stepped back, her expression deadly serious. "Cross, I have _so_ much that I need to tell you."

I jabbed my thumb over at our future dinner, my good mood suddenly turned somber. "Lemme guess, Indigo is Shiki's quack and this place is his bio-weapons lab?"

Our navigator blinked slowly, and the energy visibly drained out of her. "…not as much to tell you as I thought," she murmured lamely.

"We can compare notes later. For now, you go ahead, grab some new clothes and relax," I said, pointing her to the Sunny. Right as she turned away, though, a thought occurred to me and I graced her with a flat look. "And no baring your midriff; I'm almost positive the bastard ripped a cape off of Little Garden to make this place, and I don't want to have to save your ginger ass a second time from whatever pathogens places like this can cough up."

Nami paused, turned around me, and matched my flat look with one of her own. "I really hope that Tashigi managed to recruit that Cleaner, because your memory clearly needs it. _You_ got sick from Little Garden, Cross, not me."

"Uh-huh." I donned a smirk as I gestured at her stomach. "By the way, nice tick marks. _Oh wait!"_

Nami raised her finger, opened her mouth to ask what the hell I was talking about… and snapped it shut with an aggravated hiss as the penny dropped. "You win this one, big mouth. You win this one."

"Pfheheheh," I chuckled, folding my arms behind my head. "What can I say, eh? I'm on a hot streak lately!"

" _DAMN_ — _Puru puru puru puru!_ — **STRAIGHT!** _**YO!"**_ Soundbite agreed, while also starting in surprise.

"And let's keep that streak rolling!" I chuckled in relief. I popped Soundbite off my shoulder and held him before me. "Freaking finally, I've been waiting for them to call. At least they didn't do it when we were being watched."

"I hear that," Nami nodded sympathetically. "But still, let's hurry this up before Shiki decides to come snooping, right? Because I don't doubt—!"

"No!" I cut in, sticking my raised finger in her face.

"Wha—!? Cross!"

" _No,"_ I repeated firmly, jabbing my finger past her at the Sunny. "Clothes. Shower. Bed. _Now._ And if you don't take the time to rest and relax, so help me."

"Or _what?"_ Nami scoffed incredulously. "You'll send me to bed without dessert?"

" _Or else,"_ I repeated back at her with a malevolent grin. "I enlist Robin and Vivi's help and while you're asleep they give you a haircut that would make Bellemere _proud."_

Nami blinked, then paled and snapped her hands to her scalp. "You wouldn't."

A venomous smile on my face, I leaned in as close as I could. " _Try me."_

The sight of Nami running with her tail between her legs felt _so_ good, almost as good as seeing the Sunny again after… _that week_. "Winning. Streak," I repeated.

"… _Interesting threat there, Cross."_

My smirk twitched harshly. "Aaaand winning streak over. Damn you, snail."

" _ **CUT ME A BREAK!**_ **DO YOU REALIZE** _how annoying that RINGING GETS_ **after the first few seconds?!"** Soundbite groused, rolling his eyes. "AND DON'T WORRY, I MADE DOUBLY SURE _no feather-rats_ _ **hauling my peeping cousins were anywhere nearby."**_

" _He's got a point, you know. The ringing does get annoying,"_ Tashigi _oh so helpfully_ pointed out. " _Anyway, Cross, to answer what I'm sure is your first question here, it took so long for me to call you because for some reason, the Navy is monitoring all Transponder Snails like they're a lab experiment that might blow up. Some of the officers think the brass are paranoid about how far Shiki's stretched his influence over the years. But hey, who knows, maybe they're just concerned that with all the anarchy you've spread, you have some contacts inside the Navy itself. And they're not wrong, really."_ That last was said with a slight smile.

It didn't last. " _Anyway, I had to wait until we reached Sagittarius to be safe; he's had a White Transponder Snail secretly on hand for years in case of an emergency. So I couldn't contact you safely until now."_

I nodded in acceptance of the explanation, and took over the conversation.

"Just as well that you didn't get a chance until now. we've been on the run for the last week, and we only just found where the Sunny landed. Shiki took us to his base, an archipelago held in the sky by his powers, and it's filled with an army of hyper-mutated bioweapon animals that he and his crewmate Dr. Indigo—think Caesar Clown, both in genius and lack of conscience—have created. These things look like they've crawled out of the New World and Soundbite says they're only getting stronger every second, if he lets these things loose, it'll be a _bloodbath._ "

" _Yeah, well, whatever you're imagining, reality is going to be a million times worse."_

I frowned in confusion. "Know something I don't?"

" _Oh-hoh, trust me, you know it as well as I do,"_ Tashigi grimaced. " _Think about it, Cross, imagine it: the result of all those animals set loose at once, whipped into a frenzy at the same time, and then set loose on a location, most_ any _location. What would be the result?"_

I frowned in thought, turning the pieces over. And then I almost puked as my body tried to react in _so many fucking ways at once._ "So… what you're telling me is that not only did Shiki personally attack one of our crew, he's personally attacking _our sea of origin as well?"_

I heard teeth grinding as Tashigi slowly nodded in confirmation. " _For what it's worth, while it_ is _personal, Aquarius doesn't think it's personal with_ you _specifically_. _According to her, Shiki got that wheel he has stuck in his head when he last clashed with Roger, with his entire fleet backing him to take on Roger's lone_ Oro Jackson _. Shiki lost, utterly, and has hated Roger ever since for destroying his dreams of world domination. More specifically, he hated how he was beaten by a man—"_

"—from the weakest, most worthless of all the Blues," I finished. "Which also explains why he came after _us,_ the big-shot rookies from the East who are following almost exactly in Roger's footsteps. He wants to both stamp out the source of his hatred at the source _and_ get the victory he thinks was rightfully his twenty years ago. I hate to say it, but it makes sense. Sense through a twisted lens, but sense."

" _Yeah? Well that 'sense' is going to justify dropping killer rabbits on the East Blue, and unlike you, most civilians aren't quite so good at running."_

"Hey, I wasn't trying to—!" That was as far as I got before what she'd said _really_ hit me, and my eyes widened into an incredulous stare. "Tashigi… how the hell did you know that I almost got my head ripped off by a rabbit this morning?"

Soundbite's expression flattened into a glower. " _Zero for two, I thought you would have put the pieces together already, Cross. Shiki is using your transceiver to broadcast what's going on with your crew all over the world; he delivered Visual Transponder Snails to all across the Blues and the Grand Line; as of noon today,_ everyone _is watching."_

My jaw dropped in horror. "Sonnuva— _that pompous old tyrant got more viewers than me!?"_

"… _Please tell me someone else is listening to you right now, Cross,"_ Tashigi said with absolutely no emotion. " _Because I need to hear someone punching you for getting your priorities out of line. I_ need _to hear you in pain."_

" _Coping,_ woman, focus. Also, you saw what I was going through. Imagine that over an entire week, non-fucking-stop," I retorted acridly, massaging the bridge of my nose as I tried to consider the impli _oh fuck me_. "Hold on a second!" I damn near shouted in my panic. "Does that mean that the world knows about Brook?"

" _Cross, this is not the—"_

"I AM SERIOUS, TASHIGI!" I roared. Soundbite recoiled in shock, but I plowed. "Tell me: does the world know that Brook's a skeleton or not!?"

" _That he's a_ wha—!? _Gah, how does this even… um, not quite? He was wearing a weird hat that looked like a jellyfish; we were craning our eyes, but the strips hanging down made it impossible to see who he was. The world knows his name, his voice, and that he's a swordsman, but they didn't get a glimpse of anything underneath."_

I sighed in relief. "OK, that's workable… makes things harder, but workable." With the only potential pitfall of our crew being broadcast dealt with, I turned my attention back to the call. "Just let it be known that Brook's connection to us, or at least the fact that he's… 'living-impaired', so to speak, _cannot_ become public knowledge, either now or anytime soon. Moving back to the matter at hand, I assume the Masons are working on this?"

Curiosity and other emotions I couldn't identify warred on Tashigi's face, and eventually she let out a defeated sigh. " _I'll save it for after this mess is done. And yes, but there's not much we_ can _do outside of what we're doing already. The Divine is mobilizing against the threat along with the rest of the Navy, and the Damned are out of contact because like I said, communications are under tight watch. The rest of the Masons will be getting White Snails of their own as soon as we can manage it. Actually, if you could contact Monkey once you get the transceiver back, that would make things easier."_

"Alright, good enough for now," I growled tiredly, rubbing aching temples. "Alright, we'll stay the course, regroup with our crew. Luckily, Nami managed to break out of Shiki's hold; without her, this entire place is at the mercy of the Grand Line's storms, so that'll delay things. Once we're all back together, we'll do our best to kick Shiki's teeth in, and then you guys can pick up the pieces. And probably make sure these animals don't fall into the wrong hands, too."

" _Heh, acting as the Straw Hats' cleanup crew. When have I heard that one before?"_ Tashigi chuckled, donning an actual grin. " _Alright, we'll leave this up to you. And Cross?"_

"Mm?"

"… _I'm happy you haven't lost your head yet."_ KA-LICK.

I cocked my eyebrow at Soundbite as he blinked back to his usual self. "Well… call me crazy, but I think I'm growing on her!"

" _You've always been crazy,"_ Soundbite retorted. " **If you'd prefer, I'LL CALL YOU** _ **mad**_ **or** _ **deranged**_ **or** _**insane**_ **or** _ **unbalanced**_ —"

"Alright, nix on the thesaurus," I waved him off. "And lay off the 'unbalanced', would you? Considering the footing… hits a bit close to home."

"YEAH, FINE," Soundbite nodded in agreement. He then cocked his eyestalks. " _AAAAANYWAYS, I'M STARTING TO GET_ **STARVED. LET'S SEE WHEN DINNER'S…whu-oh."**

I snapped a nervous look down at my suddenly pale snail. "Whu-oh? What's whu-oh?"

" _Well, see… the thing is?_ _ **Those beasties may not be waking up yet—**_ "

"GRRRR-RAAFF!"

" **BUT OTHERS** _ **CAN STILL FIND US!"**_

Another monster stormed into the clearing just as Soundbite snapped back into the dubious safety of his shell, drooling like a waterfall as it looked around at the unconscious beasts, and then us.

"I thought Saint Bernards were supposed to be friendly!" Raphey yelped, darting away from the scorpion she'd been carving up.

"YEAH, AND THEY'RE _ALSO_ SUPPOSED TO BE _**IN THE MOUNTAINS**_ **with a barrel of** _**whiskey**_ AROUND THEIR NECKS, _bothering YODELING_ **AUSTRIANS, SO TODAY'S JUST A DAY OF FIRSTS!"**

"I've got this one!" Nami called, stepping to the edge of the deck, a fresh jacket on her shoulders. "It'll be easier for me to relax when I've blown off some stress," she added, looking in my direction. I opened my mouth to argue, but didn't get any further before help came from another source.

"Not before me," Perona cut in, swooping in front of Nami in a freshly cleaned astral form. "You'll still get your pound of flesh from Shiki, whereas _I_ seem to have been robbed of mine, so I'm taking this consolation prize… even if it is such a cute doggy." That last degenerated into a crooning tone, and a thoughtful expression blooming on her face. "Actually… on second thought…"

Before any of us could question what she was on about, the ghost-princess flew past us all and came to hover in front of the Serial Bernard, smiling beatifically at the slavering, snarling beast. "Hell- _o_ there, cutie!" she cooed in an endearing and cutesy voice. "You look like a _really_ nice boy, and I'd love-love- _love_ to keep you as a pet, but _only_ if you _pwomise_ to calm down, m'kay?"

" _GROWF!"_ The giant dog wasn't exactly 'm'kay' with that, if the way it growled and tried to nom on her astral form was any indication.

Perona's expression fell pointedly blank and she raised a hand. "Alright, let's try this again. Negative Hollow."

One of said Hollows shot from her hand, zooming through the monstrous dog's head and out the back of its neck before returning to Perona. For a moment, it remained frozen mid-snarl, and then it fell to the ground. And at that moment, I found out the hard way that monstrous or not, you can't look in the eyes of a genuinely miserable, crying dog and not have it _hurt_ on some level unless you're completely lacking a heart.

Apparently, that included Perona, because she just said, "Bad dog," and threw a heartless glare at the poor mutt. "Do you understand what happened there? You attacked me, and now you're sad. If you make me unhappy, then I make you sad again. Understand?" She shook her finger in the dog's face. " _Don't_ attack me again."

The Bernard blinked a couple of times, shaking off the momentary existential despair before getting back on its feet. This time it was cautious and wary, but, inevitably, it raised its hackles and started snarling again—

"Negative Hollow."

And then a second dose of existential despair brought it back to whimpering.

"Don't. Attack. Me. Again," Perona reiterated in a truly dark tone, leaning in close to the dog to give it a scathing glare. "Or else you'll get three at once next time, and I promise you that you'll never feel as bad as that will make you. Choose: Be nice, or be miserable."

This time, the poor beast let out a positive-sounding whine through its whimpering, and when it regained its composure, its comportment shifted. The Bernard didn't entirely back down, but it didn't attack or make any overt moves towards Perona, either.

And apparently, that was exactly what the hollow-girl wanted. Immediately upon receiving the reaction, Perona's demeanor lightened and she smiled beatifically. "Good boy. Here you go!"

Another Hollow shot from Perona's hand and, before it could turn tail and run for the hills, _through_ the dog in less than a second. I briefly considered lambasting her for animal abuse, because even on a monster like that there was a limit, but then I actually got a look at the Hollow itself: Rather than smiling and laughing brainlessly it was… _sobbing._

Obviously, that meant something important, but I had no time to connect the dots before something else unprecedented snagged all my attention: the Saint Bernard reacting to the Hollow… with pure and unabated _joy._ All of a sudden the large dog perked up and started barking eagerly, like it was a completely normal—if ridiculously overgrown—canine. It was panting and letting out happy "WOOF!"s and shaking its tail into a blur, and it was even jumping side to side like it couldn't wait to play!

Perona, meanwhile, took the shift in demeanor in stride and whistled sharply, catching the dog's attention. "That's it, that's a good boy! Come here, boy, come here!"

The Bernard immediately leaped to her and started acting friendly in an attempt to show her its affection, nuzzling and licking at Perona's astral form and whining when the efforts proved futile. Perona smiled at the dog, and I noticed her flicking her hand behind her back. In response, the still-weeping Hollow that had been looping around above passed through the Bernard a few more times, and it ratcheted right back up to rapturous.

"Don't worry, boy, doooon't worry," Perona soothed. "I'll be right back, I promise."

And with that, the ghost princess flew back up to the crow's nest to retrieve her body, and a minute later, she strolled up to the once-rabid beast in her physical form without a care in the world. And the dog actually continued to act happy, nuzzling and snuffling at her like she was its lifelong owner, and she in turn she showered it with petting and affection.

"…What… What just happened?" I asked weakly.

"Perona, what did you do!?" If Nami's tone was anything to go by, she was just as gobsmacked as I was.

The hollow-girl cast a smirk over her shoulder at us. "Oh, so Know-It-All Cross doesn't know all after all? Lo, how the tables have—!"

"So help me, woman," I growled, raising my knuckles.

"Alright, alright," Perona said airily. "Well, seeing as I'm _such_ a benevolent princess, I guess I'll tell you: my powers work just the way that the name says." She spun her arm and a few of her more normal-looking ghosts began spinning around her arm. "The ghosts I make are called Hollows because they're empty shells that are made to be filled."

One of her smiling goons popped up and wagged its tongue at me. "Negative Hollows are devoid of positive emotion, and when they pass through someone, they fill that hollow with the positivity of their prey, thus leaving the targets as utterly helpless wrecks." The smiling buffoon was joined by a sobbing counterpoint that rubbed at its eyes as it wept. "Positive Hollows, meanwhile, are the opposite: No negative emotion, so they drain all the sadness and misery someone has and leave them feeling like they're in heaven."

Perona smiled as she scratched the obliviously happy Bernard behind the ears. "And by combining those two elements at the same time, negativity to bad behavior and positivity to good… well, I think you can see what I'm getting at."

"I GET THAT YOU'RE A BLOODY SOCIOPATH!" Lassoo howled from Sunny's deck, his expression one of purest panic. "USING THAT BASTARD PAVLOV'S METHODS ON ONE OF MY OWN KIND?! I SHOULD BURN YOU ALIVE, YOU CRUEL WITCH!"

"Cruel, but effective~!" Perona sang back, still scratching. "And don't worry your pretty little heads, this method only works on ani— on _simple_ animals, the ones that aren't on par with human intelligence. Like this big old dummy right here!" she cooed as she intensified her scratching to the dog's delight. "Yes you are, yes you are, you're a big dummy, yes you are!"

Boss's eye twitched as he watched the titan-dog come apart under Perona's fingers. "Yeeeaaah… those ghosts of yours ain't the only things that are 'hollow', lady."

Something clicked in my mind at those words, and I slowly pointed my finger at her as metaphorical light bulb went off. "Hollow… your Special Hollows hollow out pockets in the air, _voids,_ and then you collapse them… they're not explosives, they're _im-_ plosives, aren't they!"

Perona paused in her scratching. Briefly, of course. "Of course you knew already, it couldn't be more than the basic concept that you didn't know…" she sighed, rolling her eyes.

"No, I'm just that smart!" I informed her in a perfectly chipper tone of _**why the hell was I even born…**_ " _ **Somebody step on me, I need to get back to my place in the pecking order: lower than the dirt on the bottom of everyone's boots…" I mumbled into the earth with my pointless, useless bre**_ _SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY! "GAH WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY!?"_ I yelped, snapping up and onto my ass.

" _PERONA!"_ Nami roared over the sound of the ghost-princess's cackling.

"HORO HORO HORO!" Perona cackled ecstatically at my _existential misery._ "HE WAS _ASKING_ FOR IT, SUE ME! HORO HORO HORO!"

" _YOOOOOU—!"_

Not wanting to get another Negative Hollow to the face, I unfortunately had to settle for strangling the air instead of Perona's neck

"Tell me in complete honesty that you wouldn't do the same thing if our places were switched, and I'll apologize," she challenged with a taunting smirk.

I opened my mouth to rebut her, I tried, oh dear lord did I try to rebut her, but when my voice got tangled up in my throat the third time in a row I gave up. "At least I don't need to torture people into being friends with me…" I attempted.

"Wow, what a comeback," Perona sneered, rolling her eyes. "Cutting, witty, sophisticated."

"GUYS, STOP PICKING ON CROSS! IT'S TIME TO EAT!"

My jaw dropped and I sank to my knees as my captain 'helpfully' came to my rescue. "Saved in a battle of wits by my witless captain… how could I have fallen so low?"

" **Should I start playing** _ **the world's smallest violin?"**_ Soundbite asked snidely.

"I've been away from witty repartee and intelligent conversation for a week, let me have my melodramatics!" I snapped as I clambered back to my feet. "Ugh, anyway…" I sobered up _real_ fast as I collected up all the bits of news I had heard over the past hour. "Guys, we need to talk while we eat. I've got news… and none of it's good."

Everyone else exchanged worried looks at my tone. I twas Nami who responded first with an assured nod. "We'll eat, you can tell us your news while we eat, and then once the duck's back on his feet—!"

"Oh, you mean Billy?" Luffy asked.

Nami looked at him in surprise. "Bil—? Wait, he's awake?"

"Nah!" Luffy grinned. "I just think that's a good name for him!"

The navigator contemplated opened her mouth to respond, but then closed it and shook her head in defeat. "I… it's a decent name, I suppose."

" **FOR SOME REASON IT FITS,** _ **but for the life of**_ _me I can't understand why…_ **I mean, yeah,** _HE HAS A BILL,_ BUT MORE THAN THAT…" Soundbite trailed off, deep in thought.

"Anyway," Nami continued. "Once Billy gets up, we can get his help flying us around looking for our friends."

Everyone exchanged nods. And then we began dining on roughly prepared drugged predator meat for what I sincerely hoped was the last time. At this point, I'd give anything to sink my teeth into Sanji's cooking even one. More. Time…

 **-o-**

"NAMI-SWAAAAAN! PERONA-CHERIEEEEE!"

Alright, almost anything. Because seriously, what good was food in my stomach when I felt like tossing it.

To make a long story short, we'd eventually managed to find our way to the village. And Billy wasn't the only duck that arrived there when we did.

It'd been a hell of a reunion, everyone happy to see everyone else, stories were swapped, and even a few ideas and thoughts shared here or there.

But, as always, the good times eventually devolved into quiet sobriety, and it was with a solemn tone that I brought together all the disparate details everyone had gathered over the course of their ordeals, and I put together the pieces of the horrific tableau Shiki had concocted over the past two decades. It took some time to tell everything, to make sure that everyone understood properly, but eventually?

"That's about the long and short of it," I solemnly concluded, taking in everyone's reactions. Over the course of my explanation, some of our crew had relaxed and settled in a bit, such as Usopp tinkering away on a project Funkfreed and I had gone over with him, Chopper working meticulously on some sort of formula he was currently obsessing over, or Sanji exulting his two most recently returned beauties.

But nevertheless, the reactions were still there: disgust, horror, terror, and of course, complete, world-shaking rage.

Luffy slammed his fists together. "I'm going to kick Shiki's head in!" he declared.

"Soon enough, Luffy," Zoro growled, his thumb repetitively stroking the hilt of Kitetsu the Third. "But unless we want a repeat of what happened back on the Sunny—!"

"I told you, he caught me when I wasn't ready _and I was hungry!"_

"—we need to get everyone back together _first,"_ Zoro looked over at Vivi. "How long do you think it'll take for the others to get here?"

"With Franky's… shall we say, _improvised_ methods of transportation?" the blue-haired princess rolled her eyes. "I'd say an hour or two. But if you want me to _get_ there in the shortest amount of time possible?" Vivi jabbed her thumb at Carue, who'd seated himself against a tree and was guzzling a freshly refilled water barrel. "Carue needs time to rest. He's been going nonstop all day, and it won't do us any good if he just up and collapses on me. On the plus side, he'll be good to go in about an hour."

"Mmph, acceptable…" Zoro grunted.

"Although…" Vivi winced as a thought struck her. "In retrospect, it might be a little longer coming here, seeing as we'll have to account for the likelihood that we'll be bringing back someone from Barto's crew too."

I frowned in confusion. "Yeah, that's… something I still don't get. Bartolomeo, he's… he's from _Loguetown,_ the East Blue. Hell, I think most of his goons are too! Why would Shiki invite him, even considering how ruthless he was before I gave him a talking to?"

Slowly, Vivi turned a disbelieving look on me. "…Cross, Bartolomeo has green hair in a mohawk teeth that suggest he has a fishman somewhere in his recent ancestry, and he's the fifth most wanted rookie on the seas. If I didn't know him and you'd asked me where he was from, I would have guessed _any_ Blue except the East."

I turned that over in my head. "That… makes a lot of sense, yes," I admitted. With that settled, I clapped my hands, getting everyone's attention. "ALRIGHT! Any other points to bring up, any questions, anything like that?"

"I have one," Su said, raising a paw. "If this SIQ stuff is supposed to be so volatile for animals, then why hasn't it affected any of us as bad as it affects them? I mean, I'm not _complaining_ that I can bench press your scrawny ass without breaking a sweat, even if that's not saying much—"

"If I were to make you into a scarf and wear you, would I become as clever as you imagine yourself to be?" I asked airily.

"—but I'd still like _some_ sort of explanation, if that's… not too much trouble?" Su shrugged helplessly. "I mean, this _does_ affect a lot of us, after all."

"I can explain that," Chopper piped up, not taking his eyes from the chemistry set he was still tinkering with. "I kept and analyzed the few samples of the prototype BIQ that the Amigos didn't ingest long enough for me to form an antivenom. Not a perfect defense against its cousin, but the innoculations you all got seem to be doing their jobs."

The pause that followed that announcement was _legendary_. I'm pretty sure _empires_ had died in that kind of pause. Some of them had probably committed suicide as a final desperate means of escape. Finally, Zoro voiced the question on _all_ of our minds. "… _What_ innoculations?"

Chopper blinked and looked up from his work, honest confusion written all over his face. "I don't understand the question," he said with the utmost sincerity.

"Never mind, you just answered it…" I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Changing the subject, I have a question too," Merry said, waving her hand frantically. "If we're all here and Robin, Franky, and Brook are at that banquet hall, who's guarding Big Bro?"

"Perona's literal guard dog and the rest of her new pets," Boss gruffly answered around the cigar he was chowing on. "Raphey and I would have stayed behind to do it, but between captain's orders, her promising that they would guard the ship with their lives, and Sunny reassuring us himself that he'd be fine, we're better off here, planning for sending this place back to the blue—MMPH!"

It would have been amusing to see Boss getting dogpiled by his apprentices so they could slap their flippers over his muzzle, but there was nothing funny about the way Conis had started shivering at his words. After a moment, during which several hissed whispers and a slap upside the skullplate were exchanged, Boss shook off his fellow dugongs. "Sorry, Conis," he said.

"I-It's fine, just a bad memory," she said casually, the shudders now down to the occasional twitch. "It's not the same anyway; we're attacking a tyrant and sending this island where it _truly_ belongs."

"Aye have a queshtion, too," Carue squawked from his resting place. "Who's the wowwywowt you fwew in on?" He nodded his head over at Billy, who'd spent our entire time here cowering behind Nami.

"Billy, as Luffy named him, is one of Indigo's new breakthroughs, but he's not hostile like the rest of the creatures on these islands," I provided. "He helped Nami get out of Shiki's base and he seems loyal. And apparently, he makes up for his lack of any physical offensive skills with bioelectric shocks."

" _Macro-_ bioelectric shocks," Perona corrected as she buffed the nails on one hand, the other holding Bearsy tight, having refused to leave the doll behind on the Sunny after being separated from him for so long. "He's got some ridiculously powerful voltage on him, he took down a half-dozen monsters in one full-powered blast without breaking a sweat. Even if they were immersed in water at the time, you can't deny that's impressive."

"Huh… weww, you'we gaht my wespect," the supersonic duck offered his wing to the electric one. "Aye'm Cawue, nice to meet you!"

Billy's response was to let out a panicked squawk and hide even further behind Nami, bumping against her Waver folded across her back, a piece of equipment she'd refused to leave behind when we left the Sunny.

Carue blinked in confusion and glanced at Soundbite. "Ahhh…?"

Soundbite huffed and shook his head. "HE'S CLAMMED UP EVER SINCE _he woke up and we explained MY POWERS TO HIM._ _ **Scared totally quackless. I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN ABLE**_ **TO CHOOSE A GOOD VOICE FOR HIM!"**

"Eesh, poah guy…" Carue winced in sympathy

"Poor guy we can deal with later," I cut in. "Alright, anyone or anything else?"

Silence.

"Right then," I nodded. "Everyone rest up, recover your energy and get ready to rumble. And make sure you stay the hell out of the way of the POV of any mobile snails. Soundbite's warning them to stay out of our way, but that's no guarantee, so be careful. With any luck, we'll be back on the seas tomorrow and Shiki's head'll be on a spit." I swung my arms out. "Dis- _missed!"_

With that, everyone broke ranks, meandering about to get to wherever it was they needed to go.

I myself was on my way to speak with Zoro and Nami, but before I could even take two steps their way, I was grabbed on the shoulder and dragged the other way, courtesy of—

"Vivi!?" I sputtered incredulously, stumbling to keep up with her. "The hell are you—?"

"We need to talk," she interrupted. And going by how little argument her tone brooked… Well, the only sensible thing to do was what I actually did, which was right myself and follow her. "Lead the way."

 **-o-**

Upon dismissal, Mikey, Donny, Raphey, Leo, and Boss had headed to the lakeside where prying eyes were less likely to see. The four siblings exchanged glances, the same feelings in all of their hearts but the same pride on all of their faces.

"So… hell of a week we've had, huh?" Leo asked casually.

Donny shrugged indifferently. "It was… meh, informative."

"Meh, it was no biggie!" Mikey scoffed, folding his flippers behind his head. "I could do it all again in my sleep."

"Pfheh, or you could just sleep outright for all I care," Raphey sneered his way. "I've spent a week doing nothing but sitting on my ass, I could use some action! Heck, bring on Shiki right now, I'm sure I could stuff that wheel of his right up his-!"

"Ahem."

All four of the TDWS fell silent and turned to Boss, who had raised raised a flipper. "Boys, it seems I've neglected to teach you a little lesson about reunions." A smirk spread on his face, but an unmistakably warm one. "Real men don't hold back their tears."

There was a second where the TDWS maintained their composure, kept up their stoic and uncaring facades…

And then the four fell into a group hug, sobbing and clasping each other tight.

" _I thought I was gonna die a hundred times ove-e-eeer!"_ Leo cried in despair.

" _I was so scared without you guys at my back!"_ Donny wailed.

" _I missed all of you crazy bastards getting on my back about my jokes and giving me lumps for them!"_ Mikey whined through his snot. " _Even Raphey, and she hits like a sledgehamme-e-er!"_

" _I was so bo-o-ooored!"_ Raphey whined. " _All I could do was sit around and—!_ Wait, _what_ did you say about my flippers!? Come here, you dingus!"

"ARGH! HELP ME! HELP MEEE!"

Boss snickered as he watched his students interact. It was truly a testament to just how much they'd missed one another that all Raphey was doing was grabbing up her brother in a headlock and noogie-ing the shine out of his shell. Normally, Mikey would be sporting several lumps and a veritable map of bruises for that sort of comment, and Donny and Leo would be right there sharing the pain seeing as _they_ would have been what she was clobbering him against. But instead, all of this was undergone with more tears, less venom… and unrelenting smiles.

"Heheh…" Boss chuckled proudly as he blew out a ring of smoke. "Moments like these… guess there really _is_ hope for us smarter entities after all."

 **-o-**

While the Straw Hats wandered off to prepare for the upcoming battle, and as the village around them ran through its daily activities, one person was conspicuous in her inactivity. As soon as Cross had told everyone to break, Perona had parked herself against one of the outer huts and began examining her nails. After all, she wasn't a part of the Straw Hats, this wasn't her fight, she could leave anytime she wanted to, and more to the point, she had _no_ interest in trying to tackle Shiki, not after the scene in Nami's old gilded jail cell.

Of course, there was one problem with this: boredom. There was only so much nail-examining Perona could do, because Raphey, not being familiar with nails at all, had left them alone in her graffiti-writing rampage. Aside from needing a trim after a week unattended, they were pretty much exactly as they were _before_ this whole mess. So the ghost-girl looked up again in search of something to do, and found it in the form of a red-haired, frog-faced little girl, just… staring at her, right in the middle of the road without even trying to hide herself.

That immediately pricked a nerve, and Perona graced the girl with an annoyed glare. When that failed to stop the staring, Perona resorted to her fallback method: scathing commentary.

"What do you want, brat? Fair warning, if you just want to gawk at the creepy girl, you have ten seconds to leave before I—!"

"Huh? Of course not!" Xiao said, shaking her head frantically like it was the most ridiculous idea in the world. "I'm not looking at you 'cause you're creepy, I'm looking because you're cute!"

"…huh?" Perona said lamely. If there was anything she'd expected, it sure as heck wasn't _that._ "Uh… what… are you talking about? I mean, don't you keep fainting whenever you see something scary?" 'Scary' being somewhat loosely defined here, after seeing the girl go halfway comatose upon seeing Luffy's group arrive _._ And that only because that meant meeting more than four new people at once.

"Uh… w-well yeah, of course, I just get really scared when I see something that's big and weird and _couldeatmealiveohmygodI'mgonnadiiieeee-!"_ Hyperventilating, the girl swayed on her feet, but managed to catch herself and calm down, and then shoot a sunny smile at Perona. "Ah! Ah, b-b-but you're not scary at all! You're really cute and pretty!"

Perona remained thoroughly poleaxed for a while longer before she finally managed to settle on a reaction, one that had protected her many a time before: disdain. And yet…

"…you don't know what you're talking about, kid," she muttered halfheartedly.

"Nuh-uh, it's true! Your makeup's all funny and nice like a panda—!" Perona's hand twitched, whether to summon a Negative Hollow or smack the insensitive little brat upside her head, not even she knew. "And your hair is really really pretty! It's pink like the sakura trees up in the Spring Zone, and your ponytails look a lot like my big sister's only there're two of them, so they're even better!"

Still, reflexive twitch aside, poor Perona found herself completely at a loss for words. Half of her, one that had allowed her to survive on her own for years, wanted to vehemently deny the compliment, tear down the brat, and move on with her life. But a new, louder half wanted to just take the damn compliments already. And maybe hug the girl and never let go.

"I—ah… t-that…" she stammered, eyes flicking back and forth to find some way out of this. Reflexively, her hand twitched to conjure a Negative Hollow…

"Eeee! Ohmigod what is that, is it a ghost, he's so _cuuuute_ , can I hug him, I wanna hug him!"

Now she had a little girl practically leaping for one of her Negative Hollows. A little girl that she could admit, at least to herself, wasn't nearly annoying enough to deserve a Negative Hollow. So she hastily dissolved the ghost, Xiao passing through where it used to be before sprawling in the dirt.

"Aowww…" Xiao whined, pushing herself on her knees and whimpering as she rubbed the spot on her forehead she'd smacked on the ground.

Seeing this—seeing Xiao's gleeful enthusiasm 180 so quickly—stirred something in Perona. Kneeling down, she conjured up a Mini Hollow in one palm and used the other hand to poke the girl in the shoulder blade. "Hey, kid."

Xiao looked up, saw the hollow, and immediately lit up, eyes wide and shining with happy tears. Perona grinned. "Here, play with this one instead," she said.

For a second, Xiao didn't move. Then she took a deep breath…

"EEEE! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!"

And simultaneously nearly blew out Perona's eardrums and nearly knocked the wind out of her with a head-tackle-hug, before carefully scooping up the Mini Hollow in her hands and running off a ways.

Perona, once she recovered, returned back to leaning against the wall, but this time she had something to watch: a little girl, _playing_ with one of her Hollows. And the smile hadn't left the ghost-girl's lips the entire time.

 **-o-**

Brushing aside the curtain used as a door out of the way, I stepped into the house Vivi had ducked into, finding her staring out the window off into nothing. "So, what's up?"

"Something… isn't right here, Cross," she said, turning around to show a deep frown on her face. "I've been trying to figure it out since I found out about this village from Barto, but nothing makes sense."

"We're on a fucked up remix of Moreau's Island a few miles in the sky, nothing makes sense here," I shrugged. I then snapped my hands up in defense as Vivi glared _hellfire_ at me. "Alright, alright, complete and utter seriousness. Can you blame me for wanting to lighten the mood after the week we've had?"

Vivi briefly maintained the glare, but then she sighed, shook her head,and started pacing. "I'm not talking about the typical Grand Line insanity, Cross, I'm talking about Shiki. I've tried putting myself in his shoes: say I've just escaped from Impel Down, I've created an immense biolaboratory in the sky so that I can create an army of living super-weapons and unleash them on the East Blue in the name of my vengeance…"

She stopped and spread her arms, indicating the house around us. "And then I steal all the adults in a nearby village and use them for slave labor? It doesn't make sense."

I blinked in confusion. "Well, why not? He's a raging bastard who sees people as tools, how does this not fit?"

"Well, what _I'm_ wondering is why the village is even here in the first place."

Soundbite cocked an eyestalk. " _ **What do you mean?"**_

The princess waved a hand at one of the landmasses floating by above us. "Shiki's already demonstrated to us that his control over his powers are immense. When he was scooping up islands for his _top secret_ world in the sky, why take an island with a village on it?"

"Beeeecause it had the IQ plants he needed?" I asked more than said, almost positive that wasn't the right answer.

"Then why not _just_ take the IQ plants and call it a day?" Vivi countered. "Why not just crush the village and everyone in it once he had what he needed? He obviously doesn't need their help tending for the IQ, seeing as he's doing it himself."

"Well…" I frowned as an inkling of doubt wormed its way into my head. "As you said, slave labor, right? Again, we know people are just tools to him."

"That's just it, Cross! He sees people as tools, and he _already_ has his own crew gobbling his every word. Why not make _them_ wait on him hand and foot? Why outsource? I doubt he'd go the extra mile for _their_ sakes."

"Maybe…" I glanced aside and scratched my temple thoughtfully, the doubt building in my mind. "Maybe he has them doing dangerous jobs? Ones that could get them killed, and he wants his crew around for the East Blue's destruction?"

"But he could _still_ use his own crew for that," she refuted. "As he's demonstrated, people are expendable to him. All he'd have to do is go down to the Blue Seas, flash his identity, and he'd have people tripping over themselves to join his crew."

"That's…" I hesitated, trying to find a proper answer. Mostly because I did _not_ like where this was going.

"And even beyond that!" Vivi forged on, shifting into a lecturing tone as she went. "When you consider the purpose of this place, when you consider Shiki's ambition, slave labor is an unnecessary luxury. After all, keeping slaves is _expensive;_ even when they're sorely mistreated, you need to provide food, shelter, and even administer medical care if you're intent on maintaining the ones you already have."

I gave the princess a funny look.

She rolled her eyes impatiently. "Paper for my economy teacher on how slavery is a drain on a nation."

"Ah, of course…" I 'ah'd in understanding before frowning in confusion. "But… I do see your point. It's… an anomaly."

"Save that Shiki is intelligent," Vivi rebutted. "He wouldn't _allow_ for an anomaly like this…"

I frowned grimly. "Without some kind of justification, right. Alright, alright…" I started to pace in opposition to the princess. "Alright, let's take it from the top. I'm Shiki, megalomaniac extraordinaire. I've taken a village and am using the adults as slave labor… why exactly?"

"If you just wanted the slaves, it'd be easier to snatch them up from the sea, you know," Vivi pointed out. "Seeing as you've already shown how _easy_ it is to do that."

"But instead I go to the trouble of taking an _entire_ village, both those I want to enslave and those I leave behind… why leave them behind?" I splayed my hands in confusion. "Once I have the slaves, why not kill the rest?"

"Hostages, maybe?" Vivi glanced back and pointed a finger pistol at my head. "Do what I say or I'll kill everyone you love."

I considered that, slowly raising a finger pistol of my own. "Or maybe the reverse: Do what I say or I'll kill mommy and daddy."

Vivi frowned as she lowered her hand. "So the _slaves_ are hostage in order to control the _village?"_

"He _is_ monitoring the village intently," I reasoned. "More so than his own base if what Nami told us is accurate."

Vivi hummed thoughtfully and started pacing again. "So it loops right back around to the start: somehow, the village is _important_ to him. Important enough to keep it around…"

"Important enough to make sure it's kept in the same state, unaltered," I specified as I joined her, gnawing on my thumb's armor. "If he just wanted the people, he could have easily stuck them in a camp or compound he could watch but he _didn't._ He doesn't want anyone leaving, he wants the whole of the village, all of the people, to stay _here."_

"But why keep a community functioning in the midst of the army you're building?" Vivi wondered, shaking her head.

I started to nod in agreement, before pausing as something niggled in my head. "…wait… that's… not right."

Vivi looked at me with confusion etched on her face. "Huh?"

"You said it yourself," I pressed, swiftly building up a head of steam as my mind started to churn. "These things aren't an army, that's the pirates he's recruiting. These things are _weapons,_ _super_ -weapons."

"What difference does it make?"

"Makes a difference to _me,"_ I muttered, tapping my temple. "Something about those words… Super-weapon and… community? No no, something else… society? Populace? Neighbor— _town!_ Yes, that's it! Super-weapons and—!" I choked myself off in horror as realization hit me like a sledgehammer. "Towns… oh… oh, _damn it…_ "

"What, what is it?" Vivi pressed.

"B-Back in my world," I rubbed my neck, sweat streaming down my neck as my mind dredged up the relevant memories. "My people developed super-weapons of our own, weapons of mass destruction, bombs powerful enough to wipe out everything for _miles_ around them."

"Like what Shiki's doing here," the princess nodded slowly in agreement. "But why—?"

"We didn't deploy them straight away, we _tested_ them first, proved their might." I rubbed my hand over my mouth, my horror with the situation rapidly mounting. "And the best way to demonstrate the power of a weapon of that scale, a weapon meant to destroy _everything_ around it…" I slowly turned around, staring in the direction of the village, the very real, very _populated_ village. "Was to construct mock-ups of towns… and blow them away."

Vivi's face turned ashen, her gaze slowly turning back the way we'd came. "A proof of concept…"

"He's going to sic his monsters on this village as an example of what they're capable of," I summarized grimly.

Vivi bolted for the treeline, grabbing me as she passed. "We need to evacuate everyone, _now!"_

" _Little bit late for that…"_

We both froze at Soundbite's grim announcement. "What? Why?!"

" **Because there are people at the Daft Greens** _ **now."**_

Vivi and I started sprinting again before Soundbite finished speaking—

"WAIT! _FALSE ALARM!"_

—and then faceplanted as he said that.

" _ **Sorry, I PANICKED**_ _at actually_ HEARING PEOPLE THERE," Soundbite quickly explained. " **But it sounds like** _SOME OF THE OTHER NATIVES_ **HAVE COME HOME."**

For a moment, we felt good, because we thought we had some time. But then that good feeling was brutally murdered by fridge logic kicking in.

" _Because people fall farther when they're dropped_ FROM AS HIGH AS POSSIBLE," Soundbite whimpered, voicing our thought. " _ **SHIKI wants to give them**_ **A SPARK OF HOPE** _BEFORE HE MURDERS THEM ALL."_

"Alright, we don't have _any_ time to waste," I barked, getting back to my feet. "Call ahead, get everyone working to evacuate the village, _now!"_

I don't think either of us ever ran faster in our entire lives than we did on that dark, darkening day.

 **-o-**

A frantic, energy and desperation-filled quarter hour later, Vivi and I met back up in the once-lively village's center, and even though I couldn't see them, I could _hear_ the rest of the crew running through the village's streets, just as frantic as we were.

"Everybody's safe?" Vivi asked, her head on a constant swivel.

"WE STASHED EVERYONE _WE COULD FIND in a bunker they had in case of stampedes!"_ Soundbite informed her, his eyestalks crossed and eyes clenched shut as he concentrated his hearing on the village. " **It's built like a brick SO IT SHOULDN'T BREAK** _ **TO ANYTHING SHORT OF A MORTAR STRIKE, and no animal around here is ridiculous enough for that."**_

I fought my temper down to a growl, rather than the snarl I felt like uttering. "Is Carue rested up enough for the trip to the gathering hall?"

Vivi let loose the whistle so summon him. "In all honesty I'd prefer to give him another hour, if I could work it, but given the circumstances? I think we can make it a half hour coming and going if he really pushes it."

I nodded. " _Good._ Make sure they're prepped for war when they get here. The _second_ we're back together, we bring a _war_ with this golden-plated bastard's doorstep."

Vivi nodded, her face as stormy as the cyclone we'd dodged the accursed day we'd met our 'host'. "I'm looking forward to it. I swear, I am going to bury my Lion Cutters _so deep down his—!"_ And then out of the blue, Vivi's tirade stopped dead and she paled, staring past me… and _up._ And Soundbite had fallen silent as well.

In spite of how hard my heart was jackhammering in my chest, I slowly, deliberately took and released a deep breath, and then I gave Vivi a piercing look. "Get out of here now," I whispered solemnly. "Get everyone else, get back here as fast as you can. We'll be fine." I cut her protest off with a raised hand. "Just get on the duck and _go."_

Vivi's face _twisted,_ agony and outrage playing merry hell on her features, but ultimately she settled for a sharp nod, and when Carue dashed by she grabbed onto his reins and swung up onto his saddle, vanishing in a blur the second she was properly settled.

Once she was gone, I waited patiently for everyone else to come to the square, with Luffy leading the charge, his face utterly apoplectic.

"Cross—!" he growled.

I nodded sadly. "I know, Luffy, I know…" I turned around and stared upwards with subdued resignation.

Stared up at Shiki, who smirked down at us with all the pomp and pride he had to spare.

I also noted that there was a glass case hovering beside him that contained a snail watching us with a lazy sort of attentiveness, but I had a pretty damn good idea what _that_ was about as well.

"HE JUST… HE JUST DROPPED OUT OF A CLOUD… _**from a mile up…"**_ Soundbite whispered miserably. " _I didn't… I-I JUST COULDN'T…"_

"It's fine, it's fine," I soothed. "It wasn't your fault, you couldn't have known." I then looked back up at Shiki, suddenly feeling the full weight of the past week on my shoulders all at once. "Soundbite's been misdirecting the surveillance snails the whole time we were here. How did you know where we were?" I called up.

"Call it… an act of _divine providence,"_ Shiki replied with a voice that was just pure egotistical conceit. Said sneer then dropped into a scowl that had the _balls_ to look insulted. "But, moving on to more pressing matters... Honestly, Straw Hats, you disappoint me! I thought you'd be better guests!"

I twitched as I felt _something_ stir in my gut, and a ripple went through our crew.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Luffy growled out, his voice a downright murderous rumble.

"Isn't it obvious, _Captain_ Luffy!?" Shiki spread his arms, indicating the whole of his dominion. "Think about what has happened! I graciously invite you into my home! I let you partake in vistas you could never have seen before in your miserable lives and entertained you to the best of my ability! I have shown you _every_ possible courtesy that a host is due to afford his honored guests! And how do you repay my most gracious treatment!?"

The air around Shiki seemed to darken as he folded his arms, and stared at us with contempt. "You steal. My. _Property,"_ he rumbled.

My gut lurched, and our crew shifted and stiffened further.

" _What,"_ Luffy spat, his entire body coiled like a spring and his pipe—uncapped and devoid of seastone—groaning in his grip.

Shiki slowly uncrossed one of his arms and pointed at our group. "My navigator."

Nami flinched back in disgust and horror, her Eisen Tempo falling around her and crackling and rumbling like a meteorological shroud.

Shiki's finger shifted to the side. "And my guinea pig."

Billy let out a panicked squawk and retreated back around the building he'd been cowering behind.

"Both my rightful property, both stolen by you," Shiki said pompously, jutting his chin out at us. "And both _very_ valuable. I think I'm due some compensation. So tell me…"

Shiki's face twisted into an arrogant, despicable, disgustingly _mad_ grin.

" _How do you plan on repaying me, hm?"_

My gut _roared,_ and I finally managed to place what I was feeling: Down and out, unadulterated, murderous _rage._

And going by the chorus of weapons unsheathing that sang around me? I was _far_ from the only one.

" _ **BY BREAKING YOU IN HALF!"**_ Luffy roared at the top of his lungs, slamming his fist into the ground and shattering it beneath his feet, but prudently refraining from boosting his blood flow _just_ yet.

And Shiki? He just kept grinning, laughing, and looking down on us in every conceivable way.

"You… _You_ actually think you can hurt _me?_ Ji… JIHAHAHAHAHA!" Shiki threw his head back and _roared_ with laughter, a deep, belly-shaking, utterly _evil_ laugh. "Oh, this oughta be good for a laugh. Go right ahead…" He spread his arms, inviting us, _begging_ us to do it. " _Give me your best shot."_

And that was just what we did.

 **Cross-Brain AN: If any of you haven't watched JoJo's Bizarre Adventure? Watch it; Oda has been referencing it all through the Whole Cake Island arc, and all three of the Cross-Brain's Freudian Trio recommend it.**

 **Also, you know how we apologized with last chapter's cliffhanger? Weeeell… this time it's just because we enjoy it.**

 **Hornet AN: This was my idea, by the way, so… sorry, not sorry.**

 **Patient AN: But hey, at least we didn't leave the cliffhanger after the fight scene, right?**


	64. Chapter 57 Preview & Top 5 Contest

_**Attention, loyal fans. We of the Cross-Brain have a most momentous announcement: we have finally reached the top five of all One Piece fics. In celebration of this, we are doing two things. Firstly, we are releasing the preview for the third part of Strong World. Here you are:**_

 **Cross-Brain AN: For anyone who was honestly upset about the cliffhanger? Come now, we all knew that that battle would be a curb-stomp, and not in the Straw Hats' favor. This… is just the logical conclusion.**

" _Gum-Gum Homerun!"_

" _Typhoon Lash!"_

" _WATCH YOUR HEAD!"_

" _Jihahaha! Is that the best you—?!"_

"LIGHTNING BOLT TEMPO!"

 _ **KEE-RACK!**_ "— _GRAH!? Urgh… ack… alright… credit where it was due._ That _stung a bit. And more than that, it pissed me off. So… congratulations, Straw Hats, you've made me decide to do the one thing I haven't had to do in twenty years."_

" _SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU SHITTY GOLDEN BASTARD! SKY WALK! MOUTON—!_ GAH!? WHAT THE— LET ME GO YOU PIECE OF—!?"

 _ **CRUNCH!**_

" _GAAAAGH!"_

" _I... am going to give you the courtesy... of actually putting some_ effort _into crushing you all down into the size of a pebble. Honestly now, you should all feel honored..."_

 _A rumble, a heave, the earth itself crying out in tortured rage and agony._

" _The last time I used this technique, it was to take care of a particularly stubborn member of Linlin's brood. Lion's Threat: Earth Bind."_

" _What the—ohfuckme EVERYONE MOVE, NOW!"_

" _No! Nonono! Guys! GUYS! GET OUT OF THERE!"_

" _DAMN IT, IT'S TOO THICK!"_

" _I CAN'T BREAK OUT!"_

" _OH NOOOO!"_

" _SHIKIIII!_ _ **GET BACK HERE!"**_

" _How about... NOT ON YOUR LIFE, BRAT! NOW DO THE WORLD A FAVOR, AND LET THE EARTH SWALLOW YOU AND YOUR DREAMS WITHOUT EVEN A TRACE! JIHAHAHA! JIIIIHAHAHA!"_

" _No..._ no... _this... t-this can't..."_

" _Face reality, Miss Navigator. It has and it is. Now... I suggest you think_ real _hard about my proposal... and about what you_ really _want right now."'_

" _You..._ you..."

" _Think. Hard."_

" _...whatever I want?"_

" _Apart from that little stunt you pulled back in my palace? Yes."_

" _...alright. You leave the East Blue alone… and let my friends go."_

" _That's two wishes, Miss Navigator."_

" _Yeah, well… I'm a greedy bitch. And if my skills weren't worth that much, I wouldn't still be standing here. So now, you choose. Take it. Or. Leave it."_

"… _You drive a hard bargain. But your skills are not impressive enough to make me abandon twenty years of preparation. I will give you my word that I will not attack your home island, and I will even be generous and extend that promise to the rest of your former crew. But the rest of the East Blue... it burned my dreams twenty years ago, and now it burns in turn. Not even_ you _can stop that."_

 _A grind of teeth, pure frustration and rage. "F-Fine._ Fine. _You have a deal. Now let's go, a-and you'll let my crew go, right?"_

" _Heh. Exactly right. Buuuut, I would not have my newest crewmate thinking me without mercy. Or at least, completely without mercy. Here. I trust you know what to do with this?"_

" _I... yeah. Yeah I do. Alright, just-just give me a second."_

 _CLI_ —

SLAP! "—AKE UP, CROSS!"

"GAH!"

I sat up in response to that rude awakening, rubbing my stinging cheeks. "Ugh… Vivi, I'm not Usopp, and I'm not dying of hypothermia, what the he _aaaargh_?" my grumpy demand trailed off into a groan as the rest of me started to straight up _throb_.

"Oi, don't remind me of that, especially not now," a nasally voice—Usopp's I think, though the ringing and doppler effect in my ears made that hard to tell—grumbled from nearby.

"Under normal circumstances, I'd be interested in hearing that story, but right now we have bigger questions to handle," came a cooler female voice from beside me.

I blinked and looked towards the voice, the blur that was its source slowly coming into focus. "Robin…?"

"Namely," Robin continued, her slightly fuzzy arm pointing over my shoulder. "Can you tell us what we just pulled you out of?"

Still dizzy as all get-out, I turned my head to follow her finger, and was confronted with the awe-inspiring sight of a _titanic_ spiral-pillar… of…

I clenched my eyes shut and clapped a hand to my throbbing forehead with a groan as it _all_ came rushing back to me at once. " _Ohdamnitalltohell…"_ I whispered beneath my breath.

When I reopened my eyes, I was finally able to take notice of details that had escaped me just moments before.

I became aware of the _annihilated_ and yet-smoldering ruins that were all that were left of the village.

Of just how deep of a crater we were in the bottom of.

Of the rest of my friends being slowly, painstakingly drawn out of the pillar we'd all been _entombed_ in…

And I became painfully, _agonizingly_ aware of who was missing.

The last of the cobwebs faded from my mind and the jumbled pieces of being utterly flattened pieced together in my mind, and I looked at Robin in despair.

"Shiki?" I croaked. "Nami?"

"They were long gone long before we got here," Franky's voice said from a short distance away. "We found out about his plans to level the village a second after Vivi left, and by that point we couldn't catch up in time to tell her. We spent long enough there to put a plan together with Bartolomeo, but the second we saw Shiki about to face you guys, we were gone. We met Vivi halfway, and when we actually got here…"

"What the hell _happened?!"_ Vivi cut in, gripping my shoulder and shaking me firmly. Her face was flashing with a myriad of emotions, but dizzy as I still was, I couldn't even begin to process them. "I-I thought you said, I thought—!"

"We weren't ready."

It said a _damn_ lot that it was _Luffy_ who growled that out in complete and utter seriousness.

"We underestimated him, we were all still tired, and we got our asses kicked because of it," Luffy bluntly summarized.

"It didn't help that he provoked us the way he did," Sanji literally fumed as he burned his way through his second cigarette since we'd woken up. "Objectifying Nami-swan and making himself seem like the _victim…_ I want to explode just thinking about it. _Grrrgh,"_ he massaged his forehead with a growl. "Which, in retrospect is definitely what he was going for."

"An- _zzt-_ d it sure as he- _kchk-_ ll didn't help that he went s- _bzz-_ traight for Soundbite first," Su provided, her voice shaky and staticky on account of the spiderweb cracks that were decorating the checkerboard shell on her back.

I momentarily glanced at my shoulder once I realized that Soundbite wasn't there anymore, but I then relaxed as I realized that if our non-human crewmates were still talking, it meant he wasn't in critical condition.

"I'll patch him up as soon as my body lets me," Chopper sighed from nearby, no doubt having noticed my confirm. "I knew I was pushing myself too hard… and if I try anything else now, I don't know if my body will be able to keep up as long as I need it to."

"If Soundbite isn't in any danger, then that's fine," Luffy said, his hat shadowing his eyes as he surveyed the mountain, the ruins, and the state of his crew. "But Shiki is going to _pay_ for this. Guards."

"Sir!" the five Dugongs saluted immediately.

"Take Merry and go ahead of us to the Sunny. As soon as we're ready to fight, we're going to Coup de Burst straight up to Shiki's palace. Make sure he's ready."

"Aye-a- _zzt!-_ ye!" four of them reported, Boss already moving to grab Merry.

"A-Actually..." The elder Dugong paused when Donny spoke up, his expression clearly hesitant.

"I, uh..." Donny slowly withdrew a seashell from behind his back, a gold and somewhat ornate one. "I-I was look- _krcht!-_ ng around once I got out and found th- _zzt!-_ is. I... think it's a Tone Dial, but... I don't remember us hav- _eeng!-_ ing one like this. Do… do you guys think...?"

The discomfort on his face slowly transmitted to the rest of us, and we all stared at the shell with dread.

"Should… Should we listen to it?" Conis asked uncertainly.

"It _could_ just be another attempt by Shiki to make us go out of our minds again," Vivi reasoned, slipping out one of her Cutters. "Maybe we should...?"

"Here, give it to me," Robin prompted, materializing an arm in front of Donny and gesturing invitingly. "I'll listen to it myself, and if it's not worth our time, I'll crush it immediately."

Donny glanced at Luffy, but once our captain nodded, he handed off the Dial to her and she swiftly conveyed it out of earshot.

Robin closed her eyes in concentration, and a second later, they snapped open as she became deathly pale. "It's not Shiki."

"Are you—?"

" _It's not Shiki,"_ she repeated, pure desperation etched on her face as she caught the Dial she'd tossed back at herself and played it for us all to hear.

" _Please forgive me for not being able to say farewell to you all directly."_

And our hearts all practically _stopped_ as we heard Nami's voice came from the shell, sounding more defeated and downtrodden then I'd _ever_ heard her before.

And that 'stop' turned into outright _freezing_ for me as she continued to speak, her every word just making... _everything_ so very, very much worse.

 **~o~**

With a grimace, eyes closed, Nami allowed the Tone Dial to fall from her grasp and settle on the altered earth below.

"Very good," Shiki sneered. "Now, let us be going. The ceremony will begin soon."

Nami _so_ wanted to pin the bastard to the nearest intact wall, be it with her glare or her Eisen Tempo or even a _physical bolt of lightning..._ but at the moment, she just didn't have that option. As such, she settled for dredging up her memories of Arlong and giving the lion-bastard the least-obviously stiff nod she could manage. "Fine, let's go."

And so Nami started to march off in the direction the Shiki indicated—

"Wait."

And then froze as a _very_ familiar voice spoke up, and both she and Shiki both turned their heads to face the source: a grim and gaunt goth, with her head bowed low and her expression shadowed by the... well, _shadow_ of her umbrella.

"Perona?!" Nami gasped even as Shiki tilted his head curiously.

"So, you managed to survive the onslaught, hm?" the Float-human questioned. "What, are you looking for a round two or something? Fair warning," he started orbiting a trio of stones above his palm. "I won't be quite so merciful with you as I was with my navigator's old crew."

Nami was about to either protest the threat or ask Perona what the hell she was thinking... and then, that unasked question was answered in the absolute last possible way she expected.

"Will you allow me to join your crew?"

The navigator's brain stalled as the incongruent words hit her ears. "...what?" she whispered numbly.

Shiki, meanwhile, was nowhere near as phased. "Join me?" He huffed out a cloud of smoke contemplatively. "I will admit that your abilities are intriguing. But honestly now, do you _really_ expect me to believe that you too would so easily betray your crewmates? After you helped your friend… _lose her way_ earlier at that?"

"N-No! _No!"_ Nami hastily protested, shaking her head at her ' _captain'_ in denial before running to Perona's side, reaching out to her in desperation. "Perona, please, you don't have to—!"

 _SLAP!_

Nami's words died in her throat, the cold and almost impersonal look that the Goth faced her with stunning her silent even more efficiently than the forceful strike that had knocked her hand away.

"'Have to'?" Perona repeated, her face and tone as expressionless as a statue. "Of course I do. I told you, remember? I am not, have never been, and never will be a part of your crew. The _only_ reason I got on your ship was to find somewhere new I could live in luxury, and what do you know, I found it. Hell, I found my way on to the only hunk of rock that's not going to be _burning_ in a week. Really, the only thing you should be asking is why I _wouldn't_ want to join Shiki's crew, when the Straw Hats mean absolutely nothing to me."

"B-But..." Nami whispered numbly, her mind still playing catch-up. "Y-You're my _friend…"_

" _Horo!"_ the ghost princess barked out a harsh laugh. "'Friend'?! Remind me, have I ever, even _once,_ addressed you as my _friend?_ Hm? Have I?"

The navigator tried to answer… but nothing came out.

"Thought not. And just to clarify things, let me tell you exactly why I hung out with you, even when I didn't think of you as a friend," Perona leaned in close putting her scowl an inch from Nami's face. "You. Were. _Convenient._ A means to an end. And it would have been too much trouble to let you die while I was travelling with that crew. But now, I don't need _them_ anymore, so now I don't need you. So, in short?"

Perona straightened up and adopted a most pleasant and innocent expression. "Thank you _ever_ so much for helping me find a new home where I can live the rest of my days in peace and comfort," And then, just like that, all emotion died from her face in an instant. "Now please, _leave me the hell alone."_

Shiki moved over to look down at Perona, the goth meeting his gaze with neither flinch nor hesitation. He stared for several seconds… and finally, his face split into a grin.

"That was cold, girly," he sneered. "And I love it. Perona, was it? Welcome to my crew. You'll excuse me if I put your wish on hold until later. Now, if that's all, let's be going."

Perona nodded curtly and followed after him, making a point of bumping into Nami in the process. The navigator flinched, clutching at the struck shoulder as she followed with a sad and sour expression.

Shiki glanced at her inquisitively, eyeing the gauze wrapping the joint. "By the way, Miss Navigator, I noticed that you've been wearing that bandage all week. Did you contract that serious of an injury? I can have one of my doctors take a look at it."

Nami flinched again, her nails biting even harder into her shoulder. "No, it's not injured. It's just… not time yet."

Shiki cocked an eyebrow at the answer, but shrugged dismissively. "Whatever you say, Miss Navigator. Aaaanyways, you both go ahead and get started on heading back, yeah? I'll be right behind you."

The women looked at him curiously for a moment, but ultimately shrugged it off and started trudging away in silence.

Once they were past the intact section of the village and out of sight, Shiki's ever-present grin gained a particularly violent sneer. "Should have thought things through a little bit longer, Miss Navigator," he whispered gleefully.

And so, with an almost dismissive flick of his hand, he _smiled_ as he watched a blast of earth erupt from where he'd torn the doors clean off the villagers' bunker.

Shiki chuckled to himself as he took to the air. "After all," he said to himself. "Can't have a proper bloodbath without the _slaughter."_

A minute later, the Golden Lion landed by his new crewmates with a victorious dusting of his palms. "Alright, all good. Let's go!"

And so they went, Shiki hauling up a chunk of earth to transport them to their new home.

And as they rose to the air, Nami cast a final, mournful glance towards the monument her crew had been made into, and could only pray that everyone would understand the message she had left them.

 **~o~**

A picture of grinding teeth, bleeding palms, and eyes reflecting every force of nature imaginable defined our crew as we heard the tape out.

Some of us had more volatile reactions than others: Chopper was twitching on his hooves, eyes flickering in and out of cyan madness, Conis had blood dripping from where her nails had pierced her palms, and where Vivi's face was dead to the world, absent of all reaction, I could see _something_ swirling in the back of her mind, but I just didn't have it in me to parse it right now.

Because in the end, no matter how well we hid it or overtly we showed it, one fact was certain: we were _suffering_ as we listened.

" _That's why…"_ Nami's voice choked out. " _That's why I'm begging you to forgive me for—"_

" _ **WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?"**_

Everyone else flinched as Luffy let out a sudden, livid bellow, drowning out whatever the hell else Nami had been about to say.

And I... I didn't begrudge him. Because I... I just... I just couldn't. I-I literally _couldn't._

For a few seconds Luffy just stood there, snorting and growling in articulately as he glared bloody murder at the offending Dial. Until finally, something just _snapped_ behind his eyes and he spun on his heels, marching off as murderous growls clawed their way from his throat.

Franky cast a worried look after Luffy, but ultimately he just shook his head and pointed at Robin. "Hey, play that again."

And _that_ was when _I_ snapped. "Do it without me," I hissed, fighting to keep my tone under control.

Usopp looked at me in surprise. "But, Cross, she was saying something at the end—!"

"I've heard _enough,"_ I bit out sharply, snapping a glare around and daring anyone to dispute me.

If anybody wanted to, I didn't give them a chance. I just snatched Soundbite off of Su's back, slapped him onto my shoulder and stalked off, my teeth grinding like a chainsaw.

I just... it just... I could barely even _think_ I was so... so...

No words. None. _None._

We'd lost. Lost again. Lost so. Fucking. Badly.

And he hadn't even been trying. He ripped us apart.

Humiliated us. _Laughed_ at us, like we were _trash._

And then Nami.

Not only had he taken her...

But her voice was _there._ Summarizing it, _emphasizing it._

Hammering. It. _In._

Hammering in the fact that I had...

That we had...

That we'd...

We—!

" _ **FUCK!"**_

 _ **SMASH!**_

I huffed and snarled as I came down from the peak of my _unholy rage._ My chest heaved and my throat ached from the roar I'd let loose, but I barely noticed I yanked my foot out from the chunk of wall I'd demolished.

Soundbite eyed me warily, even if he was still a bit dizzy. " **That help?** _ **At all?"**_

I snorted derisively, my fingers twitching and jerking in my gauntlets. "No. And you know damn well the only thing that'll—!"

" _ **GRAGH!"**_

 _ **S-SMASH!**_

I was cut off by a second roar of fury being let loose... but _two_ smashes rang out at the same time.

One was obvious, with Luffy withdrawing his arm from the rubble he'd just created… but the other was something of a surprise.

I looked at Zoro, standing in front of a _mutilated_ track of land with all three of his swords drawn. His fists strangling Shusui and Kitetsu, his teeth grinding into Wado, his body trembling with energy and emotion just waiting to be unleashed. Our eyes met...

And I realized that no, no this wasn't a surprise at all. Rather, it was the only possible outcome.

And as the energy slowly drained from my body, and _some_ of the edge on my emotions dulled, I knew there was only one way this could be done.

I huffed as I took my hat off and started to wipe at the coldsweat building on my brow with my forearm. "…Captain."

Luffy snapped an immolating glare at me out the corner of his eye. A glare I met without flinching.

"…I'm the tactician," I stated seriously. "My job is to make the plans. And I can do that. I can give you a hundred and one different plans, right here, right now, but only you can tell us what direction we're headed. Only you can tell us our destination. So," I spread my arms out wide, indicating... everything around us. Everything that had happened. "What's the play?"

Luffy continued to stare at me... and without looking away, he slowly raised his hand and pointed at the island looming so high above us. "…I want," he whispered, honest to God murder in his voice. "To make him _pay."_

"Alright, then that's what we'll do..." I nodded slowly, the motion gaining momentum as I jammed my hat back into place, right way forwards, as I met his glare with just as much heat. "We'll make him pay."

Zoro snorted in agreement, finishing tying his bandana on with an almost whip-like _crack!._ "Then let's get it done."

We made to go back to the crew—

 _ **FWOOM!**_

And we all came to a dead halt as all of a sudden, an utterly anomalous blast of air struck us full force.

We all blinked in surprise at that, but I just as swiftly brushed it off and walked back over to our crew.

Nobody looked at us as we returned, because they were more concerned with staring at the epicenter of the wave of air pressure.

Staring at Princess Nefertari Vivi.

I gave her a once-over: hunched forwards, hand clamped against her mouth, eyes screwed shut… until they suddenly flew open, and I met the pure, merciless steel in her gaze

"…So," I asked as she straightened up and started looking at her hands in a whole new light. "How did it taste?"

Vivi clenched and unclenched her hands for a second, testing everything out as though to guarantee they still functioned properly. Until finally, she snapped them into fists with a determined nod.

" _Delicious,"_ she declared with pride.

 _ **There you have it. And now, the second part. As of now, we are announcing another contest. An art contest. The requirement: take your favorite scene from This Bites! and draw it out. Because we know that you cannot rush perfection, the deadline for this contest will be the story's third anniversary: September 17, 2018.**_

 _ **We will name three grand prize winners. The Freudian Trio will select the art they like best, the Neurofeedback will select the art they like best, and you our loyal fans will select their favorite.**_

 _ **For as momentous an occasion as this, the prizes are great. The three grand prize winners will be granted a one-year-long backstage pass to our story as well as a one-month comprehensive backstage pass. This reward is beyond anything we have given before, even to our patrons: for the duration of that time, you will have unlimited access to our plans for the future as well as the present (with one exception that the Cross-Brain is keeping to ourselves regardless of anything). Choices may not be duplicated.**_

 _ **Additionally, each member of the Cross-Brain will also select one runner-up who, along with the runner-up among the fans, will receive a one-month backstage pass, six questions about our future plans, and previews for the story until the time skip. Again, choices may not be duplicated.**_

 _ **Any other pieces of art that do not win either of the above prizes but still impress the Cross-Brain will win three chapter previews and three questions about our future plans. We of the Cross-Brain will notify anyone who publishes such art in a timely manner following their publishing of it.**_

 _ **Now, the rules are as follows:**_

 _ ***You must submit your entry to our email address, j . cross . brain -A- gmail . com. Write "Top 5 Art Contest Submission" in the subject line, and include your name/username, which site we post our story on that you follow most, and a description of which moment in the story your art submission portrays.**_  
 _ ****If you submit a second entry, it must have the subject "Top 5 Art Contest Submission 2", and so on with each successive number.**_  
 _ ***You may commission the art from someone else as long as you give full credit to them and, if they desire, share the prize with them.**_  
 _ ***You may not cut and paste images from other pieces of One Piece art. Tracing is acceptable.**_  
 _ ***You may submit as many entries as you wish, but you may not stack a runner-up prize upon a grand prize, nor may you win any of the three prizes more than once. Art commissioned by the same artist that drew another piece of art submitted by another contestant is acceptable.**_  
 _ ***No NSFW entries. We can't stop you from commissioning such artwork, but we will not allow it as a contest entry.**_  
 _ ***Sketches are permitted but discouraged; keep in mind that they will be considered alongside the best a person can make in the next six and a half months.**_


End file.
